#757 - JEREMY (ADAM RAY) + MATT RIFE

Summary

Kill Tony Podcast – Episode #757 Summary

Date: February 24, 2026
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, Texas
Featured Guests: Matt Rife, Adam Ray (as “Jeremy”), plus recurring and new comics
Hosts/Band: Tony Hinchcliffe (A), Brian Redban (B), plus in-house band

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Overview & Theme

This episode of Kill Tony is a classic blend of chaotic live standup auditions, roasts, and raw, unpredictable interviews—turned up to 11 by a cast of oddball comics and unscripted audience interactions. The show features hot comedic talent Matt Rife, the persona “Jeremy” (impersonated by Adam Ray), and a wild carousel of amateur and regular performers, ranging from debut standup attempts to bizarre stalkers and costumed clowns. Themes include surviving bombing on stage, confessional moments (sobriety, cancer survival, strange hobbies), and the ever-present possibility of absolutely anything happening in real time—sometimes uncomfortably so.

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Key Segments & Highlights

1. Opening: Welcoming Matt Rife and Setting the Tone

• [01:34] Tony builds anticipation for the show, praising Matt Rife's rise to stardom and their decade-plus friendship.
• Matt Rife takes the stage to massive applause, joking with Tony about mutual admiration:
  • Tony: “You are just a specimen. Charming, good looking … I’m in heaven here tonight.”
  • Matt: “Stop.”
  • Tony: “You’re damn right.”

2. William Montgomery’s Feature Set

• [04:55 – 13:44]
• William, a Kill Tony staple, opens with intentionally rambling, surreal humor covering lost scooters, Blippi conspiracies, email spam, and traveling with kids’ shows for “comfort.”
  • Notable quote: “Give Epstein credit where credit is due. The guy had zero spam in his inbox...” – William [04:55]
• Deep-dive into why William binge-watches Blippi, ongoing Blippi actor changes, and William’s attachment to kid stuff and rowing for mental health.

3. Comic Auditions ("Bucket Pulls") and Interviews

Monique Jones

• [14:11 – 21:44]
• Returns after 8 years: talks beating breast cancer, being a massage therapist in LA, connections to Paul Rudd, Adam Scott, and Oliver Stone, and the role of hormone-blockers in her life.

Jeremy (Adam Ray)

• [24:29 – 35:19]
• Jeremy delivers a punchy, high-energy set filled with self-deprecating humor, pop culture riffs, and wild props from his fanny pack (space food, toy snakes, Dr. Pepper Tic Tacs).
  • Notable quote: “I used to ride scooters in Austin. But then I got hurt when a bunch of kids pointed at my helmet and called me a pussy. Now I take the bus.” – Jeremy [27:00]
  • Extended after-interview includes a deep dive through his oddball fanny pack for comic effect (“I'm a snake guy…”), which brings huge laughs from the crowd and panel.

Anthony Fink

• [36:59 – 46:36]
• Bread and yeast-infection puns, admits to taking standup breaks due to work at Lockheed Martin, reveals he can “bomb in six different languages,” and discusses details of a sex tape with his black girlfriend: “Way more cheeks. It’s warmer.” [43:04]

J.P. Leonard

• [47:14 – 54:43]
• Stories from Cajun Louisiana, Popeyes Buffet, 23 years in education/special ed, weight loss, and Eeyore-themed bedroom role play.
  • Notable exchange:
    • Jeremy: “Any of the kids ever try to fight you?”
    • JP: “[...] I was the cool teacher.”

Kyle

• [55:48 – 62:20]
• Raw, anxious first-timer with “woodland hermit” vibes, lives alone in a cabin built by his dad, has no job, does bird calls (“just a general call to all birds”).
  • Quote: “My life's too tragic to be taken seriously by the way I look.” [57:27]

Sir Winston Pickles

• [64:48 – 71:43]
• British clown with pitch-black jokes (“I've been sponsoring this little guy in Africa for the last three years…last March, my credit card expired. So he's dead.” [65:06])
• Discusses clown persona, refuses birthday party requests, and dark worldview.

Hey Bullstad

• [72:25 – 83:55]
• Newly sober at 51, stories of $200k rehab and AA, awkward motivational speaker gig, and former wild-living exploits.
  • Tony’s roast: “There’s nothing interesting about that man whatsoever on planet Earth.”

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4. Wild Card Segment: Real-Time Stalking Drama

• Ryan Dorr ([88:03 – 102:44])
• Delivers set about spending on weed and escorts, then confesses he drove 25 hours to meet comedian Kim Congdon after becoming “obsessed” with her. Attempts calling her live, admits to sending flowers and a ring.
  • Notable moment: Tony, Matt, and Lindsay break down the situation for crowd safety and reality check, with Tony labeling it “one of the scariest things in the history of the show.”

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5. Regulars and Closers:

Drew Nickens

• [103:33 – 110:12]
• Celebrates first sex in 18 months, jokes about lovers with mullets, and WWE matches.
  • Tony: “Drew, do you like the show Blippi?”
  • Drew: “Fuck yeah. [...] Bring back my Blippi.” [107:49]
• Ends with riffing on Black History Month: “I went to Ross five times this week.”

Thomas La Mountain [115:32 – 120:08]

• Fast-sex-with-old-women jokes, discusses a breakup where rescuing his Lego set was the high emotional point.

Dedrick Flynn (show closer)

• [121:04 – 127:02]
• Extended, rapid-fire bit about Frontier Airlines, racial profiling, bag fees, and shooting dice/selling snacks on the plane.
  • “Worst set of the night is better than no set.”
  • Flirts with Matt Rife, roasts the crowd, and closes with his signature energy.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “[About Blippi:] It makes me smile, it makes me laugh. I love it. It’s better than Toddlers & Tiaras.” – William [07:00]
• “You can bomb in six different languages.” — Tony to Anthony Fink [40:02]
• “I’m a snake guy.” — Jeremy, after pulling animal toys from his fanny pack [31:23]
• “All I’ve ever wanted is to be a bellhop…My dad was a bellhop, my grandpa was a bellhop.” – Thomas La Mountain [117:51]
• “Every other show in the world… has been predetermined and was planned before you ever saw it. Except for this moment…” – Tony on the live stalker moment [93:47]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Time | Segment/Highlight | |-----------|--------------------------------------------------------| | 01:34 | Opening remarks, Matt Rife intro | | 04:55 | William Montgomery’s set & Blippi talk | | 14:11 | Monique Jones: Cancer survival, massage therapy, 2018 | | 24:29 | Jeremy’s set, fanny pack props, joins panel | | 36:59 | Anthony Fink: Bread jokes, sex tape, languages | | 47:14 | JP Leonard: Special ed, Popeyes Buffet, Eeyore roleplay| | 55:48 | Kyle: First time, life in woods, bird calls | | 64:48 | Sir Winston Pickles: Grim clown, dark gags | | 72:25 | Hey Bullstad: Rehab, AA, motivational speaker | | 88:03 | Ryan Dorr: Stalking Kim Congdon, live call attempt | | 103:33 | Drew Nickens: Sex after 18 months, Blippi, Reddit beef | | 115:32 | Thomas La Mountain: Old-lady sex, Lego breakup | | 121:04 | Dedrick Flynn: Rants on Frontier Airlines, closing set |

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Episode Tone & Takeaways

This episode oscillated between playful chaos, authentic vulnerability, and edgy, sometimes cringeworthy moments. The inclusion of a real-time stalker/intervention segment was perhaps the most uncomfortably authentic moment in Kill Tony history—showcasing, as Tony said, the unpredictable, live-wire nature of the show versus any “planned” comedy format.

Amid the anarchy, strong performances and comedic camaraderie shone through—especially from Matt Rife, Jeremy/Adam Ray, William Montgomery, Sir Winston Pickles, and Dedrick Flynn, showing the resilience and rapid-for-fire wit that anchors the show.

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Final Notes

• Best Sets: Dedrick Flynn (closer), Sir Winston Pickles (clown), William Montgomery’s surreal opener
• Wildest Interview: Ryan Dorr’s awkward obsession with Kim Congdon
• Recurring Jokes: Blippi, snacks/props in bags, weird breakups and sex tapes, “is it real or is that cum?” street game

In sum:
A quintessentially unfiltered, unpredictable, and laugh-packed Kill Tony episode—blending earnest personal stories, misfit comedy, and slices of live show madness—with Matt Rife and Jeremy (Adam Ray) as top-tier comedic foils for the chaos surrounding them.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network.

[B]

This episode of Kill Tony and every

[A]

episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and

[B]

anywhere you get podcasts.

[A]

Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything.

[C]

The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe.

[B]

You can also check out shopsquad TV

[C]

for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever, Shop Squad tv.

[B]

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is grandma coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get it for Tony Hitchcock.

[A]

Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? Thanks so much for Brian Randam, ladies and gentlemen. And that is the best damn band in all of the land. Everybody, you made it. You're here. You're at the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Bluechew, Talks, Space and Shopify. We got a little hoot nanny in store for you. How you guys feeling tonight?

[C]

Good.

[A]

Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. We live in Austin, Texas, but we are jumping in a tour bus, ladies and gentlemen, and we are taking the actual Kill Tony show to Houston, Texas, February 28th and Dallas March 28th. Go to Tony Hinchcliff.com for tickets right now. Come see an actual Kill Tony show in the the great state of Texas. One in Houston February 28th. One in Grand Prairie March 28th. Tony hinchcliff.com get tickets. Now, who's ready to start tonight's show, huh, guys? Every single week, I book one or two of the world's funniest human beings. One of the biggest comedians on planet Earth is with us tonight. One of my favorite humans, a guy who I can say I've literally basically watched grow up over the past decade and a half and. And now he is a phenom. One of the biggest in the world, one of the best in the world. One of my favorites. Make some fucking noise for the one and only Matt Rife. Oh, yeah, baby.

[B]

Boom. The man, the myth, the legend is with us.

[A]

Matt motherfucking Rife on a Monday evening in Austin, Texas. Oh, yeah. Matt does arenas. He's doing Jacksonville, Louisville, all over. How's it going, buddy?

[C]

Dude, good, man.

[B]

Happy to be back in Austin.

[A]

So good to see you.

[C]

48 hours. Thanks for having me.

[A]

You're such a relief on my eyes. I'm used to. I'm used to looking at red band and I get to look at. You are just a specimen.

[C]

Stop.

[A]

Charming, good looking. I mean absolutely incredible. I'm in heaven here tonight.

[C]

This is hospitality. I love this.

[A]

You're damn right. Always. We've had so much fun in the past. You know how the show works, Matt. I have a bucket with about 300 comedians names in it. It's absolutely incredible. I'm going to let. I'm going to let this. Gonna let this woman whose mother got kidnapped a couple weeks ago pick the first name out of the bucket. Good for you. Little special treat. You're getting away from all the stress. Having a night out of laughter. Good luck with all that. By the way, if your name gets pulled out of the bucket, you know how it works. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. That means their time is up. When you hear the sound of a kitten, you have to wrap it up then or else you bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which just loudly interrupts their set. And then I conduct an interview. Anything can happen. The entire thing is improvised. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Well, we have a special treat for you guys. Normally this guy would close the show, but tonight he is opening the show. He is the record holder for all time appearances on this show. All time interviews. What a way to get things started. Some people call him the Vanilla Gorilla. The Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine. This is indeed the one and only William Montgomery.

[C]

Give Epstein credit where credit is due. The guy had zero spam in his inbox. Meanwhile, Stubhub emails me every hour asking, wanna go to 17 concerts this weekend? I don't even get Viagra spam anymore. They're probably like, nah dawg. This dude helpless. Don't even waste a digital stamp. Okay, quick housekeeping note. Probably not the best timing, but when I was in Tucson, somebody stole my razor scooter. So, you know, any help from the local authorities would be greatly appreciated. Okay, that was that one. Let's keep moving. So the mother of a morning show host goes missing and all y' all freak out.

[A]

Where were y' all when the old Blippi went missing?

[C]

Oh, look, new Blippi. No explanation, no outrage. They replaced the Blue's Clues host and

[B]

we stormed the Capitol.

[C]

Okay, that's my time. Thank you.

[A]

Exactly one minute of I can only describe as pure insanity.

[C]

Yeah, I was hoping the Blippi stuff. I finally got some sort. I've been watching a whole bunch of Blippi recently, Tony. It's a children's show and there's some new Guy that is not the original Blippi anymore, but nobody's talking about it. What's a blitz? What is Blippi? Blippi is a character in a children's television show and there's some new guy parading around his Blippi, but it's not the same Blippi. And it just pisses me off. It's like the woman on the fucking Today show. Her fucking mom's gone and everybody's this uproar with everybody and Blippi. Are you looking at who Blippi is?

[A]

Yeah, we're trying to look up new Blippi. We're trying to follow this conspiracy of yours. Make some noise if you heard a Blippi before William talking about it. Oh, wow, look at that. Matt looks me and you are too busy. You don't have.

[C]

You know what that is? You're a freak.

[A]

Yeah, that is true.

[C]

That's great.

[A]

Why are you watching this?

[C]

I don't know. It makes me smile, it makes me laugh. I love it. It's better than Toddlers and Tiaras. I'd been watching that a bunch recently. Seriously?

[A]

No, but in a sweet way.

[C]

Cuz I think if I ever have way, if I ever have kids, I want them to do that. I think so. That's why I've been watching Calling the Police. Dude.

[A]

See, that's sad.

[C]

That's what my parents say as well.

[A]

Seriously, it's sad.

[C]

That's why I'm watching Blippi. It's a fantasy of mine. Maybe a little child sitting a Blippi.

[A]

Do you think you've watched William 30

[C]

or 40 the past week?

[A]

What is it about doing the Row

[C]

Machine and then watching Blippi in the afternoon?

[A]

Did you say this week?

[C]

This week.

[A]

Oh my God.

[C]

40 episodes. Yeah, I've been real. It's been real weird, Toady.

[A]

It really is an example of some of the things that happen in an episode of Blippi.

[C]

Well, there was one where all the kids are on the playground and Blippi shows up. It was the new Blippi. And he starts kind of messing with some of the kids in a weird kind of way. He's touching some of them in their butt area. Seriously, the new guy is this freak kind of person. Tony. And there's it Michael Jordan because he's black or. No, no, no, no, no.

[A]

You didn't see.

[C]

You didn't see the video from last night? From. Was it?

[A]

Oh, yeah, no, I. I saw, yeah.

[C]

Oh, he's diddling, dude. Oh, really?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

But I guess if you're Michael Jordan, you're allowed to. It's okay. I think he gets one.

[A]

Yeah. There is more than one actor who has portrayed Blippi. While creator Stephen John originated the role in 2014, actor Clayton Grimm took over the role for live tours and later appeared in videos, followed by Ben Mayer in other separate productions. The change was made to.

[C]

Yeah, see, nobody's even talking about Ben Mayer. Tony. That's a third person you're talking about.

[A]

I didn't even know about three blippies. This is absolutely incredible. Red Band is shocked. It's very popular with many autistic children and adults.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Red Bane.

[C]

How would you describe yourself? How would you say yourself? But I do love it. I recently watched your tw. What is it? 12 hours of just cartoon noises and static noises.

[A]

I watched that.

[C]

That was a great new video of yours. Red band and fucking 12 hours of cartoon noises.

[A]

That was genius. It's for.

[C]

And you can do it when you're sleeping. Yeah, I was awake when I watched it and it was really good. But it was 12 hours of that. Red Band. That's nuts. That's nuts. Red Band.

[A]

Red Band specializes in making videos that help you fall asleep. The black screen with muffled cartoon sounds. You can also use any of the podcasts that he does or any of

[C]

his stand up comes on in the background. Oh, the dolphins having sex.

[B]

We get it.

[C]

You always say that joke, dumbass. No, I'm kidding. It is a funny joke. People having sex with dolphins or whatever.

[A]

It is a funny joke. So let's talk about it. We went Epstein spam, StubHub. What was the joke in between the Epstein. I love these emails and being in Tucson.

[C]

Just quick housekeeping announcement. I need my razor scooter back because I was in Tucson when I was there. It was. Honestly, it was a couple months ago. I left my razor scooter. I had it locked up on a telephone pole outside of the comedy club. And when I went back out there, it was gone and nobody's helping me.

[A]

Take your own personal razor scooter on the road with you.

[C]

I've been doing it recently. I get really fast in the airports. I was going. I was flying in Chicago recently. Tony.

[A]

So you use that as your carry on?

[C]

Yes, I have it in my backpack. A razor scooter can go down and it goes out of your back. But I can't. I can't bring toenail clippers. You can have an entire scooter in your carry on. What do you mean you can't bring toenail clippers. It's a work. You're kidding. No. You can't bring like small sharp objects. You're bringing an entire blunt object on an airplane.

[A]

That is true razor scooter weapons. Especially with a guy walking through with a face like that, like. Oh, we can trust this guy. Nothing suspicious about him having a razor scooter. Yeah, but can have a razor scooter but not an actual razor.

[C]

Interesting. Yeah, that's the time we live in.

[A]

What else do you sneak through tsa? Give us an example. Of what.

[C]

I don't think I need to be talking about what I'm sneaking through tsa.

[A]

Give us an example, please. Name some things that are in your carry on bag. What else is in that bag? How many of you want to know what's in William's backpack? O the world wants to know, Tony.

[C]

I mean, a lot of the time I got a couple boxers in there, Tony.

[B]

What else?

[A]

Wait, what was that?

[C]

Boxers. Like boxers or boxer breed? Oh, yes. Can you back up half a stone? Sorry.

[A]

Please.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

I have a bunch of cords in there, Tony, for different charging stuff.

[B]

Yeah, that one wasn't.

[A]

Yeah, not that exciting. Okay, what else do you got in there, William?

[C]

A whole bunch of marijuana to. I'm kidding. I never travel with that.

[B]

Really?

[A]

You can. It's okay. They don't care about that. What else?

[C]

Always my notebook to Cuz I got my. I got to look into my jokes on the set, so I got to.

[A]

Right, Come on, give us something that's a little off the beaten path. You have any. Anything in that area in the front where it's like a bunch of little things kind of clanking around in there. Oh, he's thinking hard. This is gonna be good. And he oink. Look at him thinking. This is what people that watch Blippi do with the microphone against their face. Makes them feel comfortable, like a fire truck. A lot of Blippi fans.

[C]

Oh my gosh, no, Tony, you know

[A]

what I have been bringing?

[C]

I got this really nice little Winnie the Pooh squishmallow, a real small one. And I sleep with that at night. And I've been bringing that with me.

[B]

God help me, Tony.

[C]

All right, I'm starting to sweat up here.

[A]

That's good. It's good for you to sweat sometimes. It's good for you. You've been rowing.

[C]

Yeah, I'm up to 210,000 meters since the beginning of February. We're talking of over a hundred, what, 120 miles or something?

[A]

I've it's It's.

[C]

I'm obsessively doing it now, so it's good. I feel good. I'm watching the kids shows. I'm doing fucking rowing. Things are getting better.

[A]

There's no better time for a successful person to be watching children's shows than right now. Nothing suspicious about it whatsoever. If anyone out in Tucson sees a razor scooter, the green wheels. Green wheels, Yep. There you go. If anybody has it, I made Matt laugh on them return it because it's so specific.

[C]

The green wheels on there.

[A]

It is shockingly specific. William, what a great way to start the show.

[B]

Thanks so much.

[A]

We love you. The legend, the hall of famer, going up first. What a way to get tonight's show. So you guys having fun already, huh? That's right. So now we slide over to our first bucket pull of the night. This is where things get interesting. This is where we meet people. This is the biggest moment of their lives, without a doubt. So make some noise for your first bucket bowl. Monique Jones, everybody. Here we go.

[C]

How we doing? I'm aware that when you heard Monique Jones coming to the stage, this is not what you expected. I look like the lady who called the cops on Monique Jones. Dude, your Cabbage Patch Kid grew up, right? Makes it easy to look me up. It's Monique Jones, and I'm the white one. I first became aware of the racial profiling of my name in high school. From North Carolina. Anybody from the South? Hell, yeah. Grits, baby. What's up? How you doing? I went to meet my boyfriend's parents at his house, and his mom answered the door. I said, hey, I'm Monique Jones. And she said, really? God, look at you. Look at you. We were just talking about you over prayer. It was so nice of them to pray for me before they even met me. So nice. Get out the good napkin. She's a keeper.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

It's fucking racist. Hey.

[A]

Hi, Monique. Welcome.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

Good stuff. You've been on this show before, correct? I have. How long ago was that?

[C]

Minute. It's 2018.

[A]

2018. That is indeed a minute.

[C]

Dom. It was on the Dom. Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Awesome. The main room of the Comedy Store. Yep.

[C]

It was live, I believe, back then. 303.

[A]

2018. Wow, look at that. Amazing. Here we are.

[C]

Here we are. It's fucking packed in here. We used to be able to sit there.

[A]

Okay, enough about 2018. We're in 2026 now, you batty bitch. Welcome to the present. Here we are. So tell us, Monique, update us with your life. What's changed in the past eight years.

[C]

I've. I'm still sober. I had just gotten sober in 2017. Thanks. Yeah, yeah. I beat breast cancer. Whoa.

[A]

Amazing.

[C]

I got a pop.

[A]

This is all absolutely incredible because it looks like you have tits and you sound drunk, so this is amazing. It's all.

[C]

Do I sound drunk? Am I not?

[A]

No, I'm kidding, Monique. Keep going. What else?

[C]

I moved out here a couple of years ago right after the surgery. Anyway, so now I took one of your boobs. They just took a lump. Lumpectomy. Oh, okay. But then they took my hormones because they put you on those hormone pills that block your hormones. So I was a shell of myself until now. Until now. You guys are like, fuck, this is a comedy show.

[A]

Okay. Anyway, I say you were a shell of yourself. What exactly do you mean?

[C]

Imagine like zero hormones, non detectable, and they give you drugs to block them because it was estrogen receptor positive. Blah, blah, blah. Anyway, like, you can't get. You don't want to get out of bed, you want to fucking die. I mean, just. And then one day you're like, okay. And then I do some comedy. And then I was. Anyway, it was just, you know.

[A]

How did you get out of it? What?

[C]

I started taking hormones again. Pretty ungrateful. Some people pay good money for hormone blockers these days.

[A]

Yeah, no doubt about it. A lot of lumpectomies going on around. Where do you live now? Mo.

[C]

I don't recommend it. I'm here.

[A]

You live in Austin, Texas?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

How long ago did you move here?

[C]

I moved here end of 2023.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. Have you been signing up for the show since then? I have a little break.

[C]

It's been intermittent. I. I wasn't right out. I mean, I actually got here. I did some showcasing for Adam. I just. My body was not ready. That was a year ago.

[A]

You bombed and the booker. And you're blaming your hormones on that?

[C]

Yes. Yes, dude. I was like. But he called me back twice. Okay. Yeah, yeah. So I've gotten a little bit of.

[A]

Look at that. Sounds like you had one of the breasts out of the night. All right. There's no getting that one back. That lump is gone. Okay, so, Monique, tell us about what you've been doing for fun. Give us something exciting about your life other than your lack of hormones and whatnot.

[C]

I was gonna. I was like thinking, like, what do I say? What am I gonna talk about? I can't. I went to acting school with. Sorry. Now I'm gonna forget Paul Rudd and Adam Scott. So I thought that would be interesting to talk.

[A]

What year was that?

[C]

That was like 94. I graduated. They graduated in 93 and 91. Wow. I was born in 95. I know, dude. You could be my kid, dude.

[A]

Wow,

[C]

that is insane. No, my mom's got huge tits. Huge, huge, huge tits. So I guess cancer free tits.

[A]

I guess the t. I guess the funny skipped a generation with this family over here. Oh, no, Monique, you're. Oh, my name was Monique. I'd have the great first joke too.

[C]

You gave me on that show. I look like the lady who would call the cops on Monique Jones.

[A]

You're exactly right. So technically I wrote your one good joke for you. There you go. Eight years ago and it's still working.

[C]

I thought I. For you.

[A]

Hell yeah. Monique, any other crazy fun fact about your life that we'd find interesting?

[C]

I. My first roommate in. In that school, the American Academy, was Tim Conway's stepdaughter. It's pretty cool. Tim Conway?

[A]

Sure.

[C]

It's an old reference and stepdaughter. Yeah, it's like, Like a direct relative. Well, yeah, it's a Kill Tony crowd.

[A]

So Monique's a rough interview. I'm like, what's interesting about you? She's like, I once uber drove for Blippi number three.

[C]

I'm a massage therapist. Oh.

[A]

Oh, okay. Now, Red band's going to invite you to the secret show on Thursday. Congratulations.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Got something out of this.

[C]

That was Oliver Stone for two years.

[B]

Whoa.

[C]

Really? Yeah.

[A]

Wow. Oliver Stone is.

[C]

Heard of him.

[A]

The director?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Right.

[C]

In Los Angeles.

[A]

Monique, over here. I don't know why you keep fucking looking over there.

[C]

How bad of an actor can you be to massage famous director and still not get work?

[A]

That's a great point.

[B]

I know that for sure.

[A]

I don't know that for sure. That is a great point. You're talking about Oliver Stone, the director? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

What did he direct? I was not trying to get acting work from Oliver Stone. I was trying to just stay mistake number one. And you're exactly fucking right. I would have jerked him off. So I wasn't trying to get that kind of work though. But no, I should have. Yeah, I didn't. What did he. What did he direct?

[A]

Red Band said, jfk, Natural Born Killers. I do believe there's some good ones. It's a little. It's a little. Yeah. JFK is a good one Year.

[C]

Did that come out? He's. He's still direct. He's been. He's like one of the most famous directors. I mean, he was watching this. I will jerk you off.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Wherever he's.

[A]

He was smart enough to be one of the few directors in Hollywood that would let know you something like this, give him massages instead of. Instead of children or whatever they were doing. Oliver Stone. Red Band's typing in Oliver Jones and now he's officially typed in Oliver Stones, plural. Everybody, if you're looking. There you go. There you go.

[C]

Thanks, Redb.

[A]

Yeah, the Doors was a good one. He contributed to Scarface, but I don't think he directed it. But it says Scarface they're giving him credit for. But that was directed by what's his name. That's right. Okie dokie. Well, Monique, fun times. Here's a. Here's a medium sized joke book from Bonsai. Boom. There you go. Caught it right against the quarter tip. There goes Monique. Everybody. This is Kill Tony. It has begun. All right. To the bucket we go. Oh my goodness.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Two blonde bombshells at once. I can't handle this.

[C]

I thought it was William again for a second. It scared the shit out of me.

[A]

Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. You know, when we started this little tiny podcast, it seemed like we had to figure it all out on our own. Who's gonna go up, set up, filming schedule, logos? It was super overwhelming. And every day seemed to introduce a new decision that needed an answer. When you're starting off with something new, it seems like your to do list keeps growing every day with new tasks. And that list can easily begin to overrun your life. Finding the right tool that not only helps you out but simplifies everything can be such a game changer for millions of businesses. That tool is Shopify Redband Tony.

[C]

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[B]

It is him.

[A]

And it's the.

[B]

Don't call me mother. Makes a noise if you have H. Hiv. Gotcha. So what's up? My name is Jeremy. A little bit about me recently tried to get a job at Burger King, but the closest one to me was within 500ft of a school. So I guess I can't have it my way. And that's what's up. Been doing a lot of Legos recently. Let's give it up. Yeah, they show you on the box what it's supposed to be when you finish it. But a friend of mine told me you can turn anything into titties. Thanks, Redband. I'm single. Tobey Maguire's not single. Tobey Maguire's 50 years old. He's dating a 20 year old. When asked to comment on the situation, Batman said, so I guess Spider man isn't a gay guy.

[A]

Hi,

[B]

My dream girl is Erica Kirk. Oh, yeah. I'm thinking about shooting my shot. No, she's fucking and she's fucking. She's hot, man. She fucking got over him quick. She was like. She was sad for two days and then she was like, it's all good. And then she was like, who wants a merch? My mom took my Pokemon cards when I was seven. I still haven't forgiven that bitch. That's what's up. My mom's boyfriend Jerry. Fuck him. I hope he dies in his sleep. He's always calling me a virgin. I'm like, that's not what your fleshlight said last night. No, but I can't wait to have sex. I can't wait to do intercourse. I already know what flavor I want. Super duper black, but not like Halle Berry or Queen Latifah. I want that fucking girl on TikTok who sings Dr. Pepper, Baby. It's good and nice, doodle. That's what's up. I'm a fucker. So good. She's gonna be like, jeremy's got a sweet dig, but he comes too fast.

[C]

Dooley Loo. All right.

[B]

Fuck, that sucks. I got a few others, but I was nervous if I do these real quick. I used to ride scooters in Austin. But then I got hurt when a bunch of kids pointed at my helmet and called me a pussy. Now I take the bus. Rosa Parks refused to sit in the back of the bus, which is crazy. Cause that's the best place to match the. Okay, you guys see if Bill Gates got an STD on Epstein island, he should have downloaded some antivirus software. That's what's up. You guys see that Michael Jordan video? Oh, you. Matt Rife was talking about Michael Jordan video. He got. Dude, he got fucking. He was at Daytona 500 fucking. Just going like, fucking. He was like, I know. Scottie Pippen. Just some little kid. It's so fucking weird. What's with all these Michaels touching fucking butts? Michael Phelps is sitting at home like, I'm gonna just stay in the pool. I've been watching the Olympics. Don't let the media lie to you. The Jamaican Bob team. Fucking dog shit. They be Jamaican. A bunch of mistakes out there. Ah, shit. Nicki Minaj is a trumper. It's all good. All politics aside, I'd still banger that ass. Is a bipartisan issue, and that's what's up. Keep it going for red band. More like bread pan, you fat bitch. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Fuck. I'm sorry. I love you, red pants. Fuck. I'm sorry. Shit. What else? Roger Parks, Tobey Maguire. Get him going for William Montgomery. That's one of my favorite comics of all time. William Montgomery. William Montgomery looks like Kathy Griffin. Fuck Peter Griffin. And gave birth to Blake Griffin. And that's what's up. That's my time. Thank you so much, everybody.

[A]

Wow. The great Jeremy ladies.

[B]

Oh, whoa.

[A]

Jeremy is back.

[B]

Heart is pounding. Wow.

[A]

We have watched Jeremy make his comedy debut on this show.

[B]

We've super nervous.

[A]

He's been on panel once before, and now he's back. You signed up tonight, Jeremy. What brings you to Austin, Texas?

[B]

So I live in San Antonio and quick drive down. My mom's boyfriend Jerry had some work to do. I was like, he's talking to me. So I got in the car and I said, fucking go sign up for Kill Tony. And I did not expect to be called, to be honest with you. This is fucking.

[A]

What did you pull out of your fanny pack?

[B]

Oh, I recently got into these astronaut ice cream bars.

[A]

What?

[B]

They're high in protein. Just in case Gayle King and Katy Perry are like, yo, Jeremy, you want to go to space tonight? I'll be like, yeah, I got some treats.

[A]

That's a Real space bar.

[B]

Space ice cream bar.

[A]

Oh, it looks very Matt rife.

[B]

I know you don't eat like this, but you want some?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

No, it's not. Oh, you are funny, dude. Tell me this doesn't feel fake. Dude, no way.

[A]

These are real.

[B]

They're everywhere. They were six bucks, dude.

[A]

Got to be real. Jeremy, you take a bite before you kill Matt the great wife.

[B]

I mean, it's. Cheers. Cheers, baby.

[C]

Oh, dear.

[B]

Diarrhea. Just cheers. Ice cream sandwiches with Matt Rice. That sucks. You want that break? You don't have to eat that.

[A]

What is that? I don't.

[C]

80% fentanyl.

[A]

Oh, yeah. That's wild. Jeremy. What else you got in that? You guys want to see what Jeremy has in his fanny pack?

[B]

So glad you asked.

[A]

Here's the thing. It's not that bad, really. For real. Those are all that bad.

[B]

Oh, dude, NASA's so pumped right now. NASA? NASA.

[C]

I heard you.

[B]

Oh, all right. So I got a tiny box of city critters with, like, mini animals in case you're bored. You. You got, like, raccoons in here. And.

[A]

Wow. What exactly do those do? Oh, my goodness.

[B]

Dude, I've been. I've been to, like, three parties, and every time I'm sitting around a party mall, it's like, this fucking place, this fucking vibe sucks. Everyone's fucking, and I'm just sitting there playing my second game gear, you know, listening to some Sugar Ray. And then I'll just. There'll be some fucking girl next to me, and she's like, so, what do

[A]

you do for work?

[B]

And I'll be like, fucking. I'm a snake guy. You know? And she's like, oh, shit. And her boobs are like, so what else? Oh, koosh ball.

[C]

Oh.

[B]

I mean, how many times you been sitting around? Just been like, I'm so bored. And they just go, boop.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Not bored anymore.

[A]

It's amazing. You have so many fun things.

[B]

Oh, I got this buck at Buc ee's. It's a fucking. It's a. Like a match. Gay ball. It's got. You press it. It says yes. Try again maybe. So go ahead. You want to ask. You want to ask me a question?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

How was your day today?

[C]

Is it going well?

[B]

Okay.

[C]

How could that even be on there? No.

[B]

Thanks for setting me up for that. So that's fun for parties and shit.

[A]

Can I.

[B]

Can I. Dr. Pepper Tic Tacs.

[A]

Whoa. I didn't know.

[B]

Tell me that, girl.

[A]

I didn't know they made those.

[B]

Well, you gotta get on Google, Tony. You got pretty much everything.

[A]

Dr. Pepper, Tic Tacs.

[B]

Yep, they're good. And nice cinnamon toothpicks. Big toothpick guy in 2026.

[A]

Oh, okay. Wow, Jeremy, this is absolutely incredible.

[B]

Little bag in case you got, like. You want to be a good. You know, you pick up some or something. Austin, you know, Austin, there's a game I always play when I go outside on 6th Street. I go, is that real? Is that real or is that calm?

[C]

You know?

[A]

So then you grab it and what then what do you do? How do you find. How do you find out if it is real shit or not?

[B]

I don't want to answer that. I pick it up, try to clean the streets. And then I got Advil just in case I get heartburn, headaches, migraines.

[A]

You take Advil for heartburn?

[B]

Yeah, and I get. It's not. I don't say the boners are. You ever see those commercials where it's like, if your erection is lasting more than four hours, you're fucking. You know, you're probably black, you know, But. But there my. I. Last doctor I went to, he was like, jeremy, you guys taking Advil for your heart, your cholesterol? And like, I get random boners and stuff. And like, I'm only 38, so I'm like, that's what's up. But I don't want to be. You know, it's just.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I probably take too many pills, but. Matt, right, if you take pills, you take supplements and stuff, right? Dick pills or supplements, like vitamins and stuff?

[C]

No, not really.

[B]

All natural, huh?

[C]

All natural.

[B]

What's up?

[C]

I popped a him or two, though. Who hills him?

[B]

Who's that?

[C]

You never taking the pronoun pills?

[A]

No.

[C]

Oh, dude, they're so good. You guys ever take a hymns pill? Okay.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Lie about it.

[C]

Pretty funny, you guys. Pretty funny to not act like.

[B]

You know what?

[C]

That is pretty funny.

[A]

Better than hims is Bluechew. If you guys really wanna Blue Chew. It happens to be tonight's sponsor. Yes. Talk Shopify. So if you're wondering what he said before when that beep happened. It was the nw, everybody. Matt said the nword.

[C]

I'm kidding.

[A]

I'm kidding. You have to say I'm kidding now we're like a conspiracy theory will start anyway. Jeremy, I gotta tell you, you are so interesting. And even though I have one of the biggest comedians in the world right now here, I think you know, I've always loved you, Jeremy. I've always considered you part of the family. I don't know what it is. You remind somebody that I maybe have an unbelievable working relationship with. You guys think we should have Jeremy join on panel for the rest of the episode, huh?

[B]

Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.

[A]

Come on, Jeremy, get over here. Wow. Come on, Jeremy. Joining for the rest of the show. Jeremy, everybody. Wow, wow, wow.

[B]

You got snake. Oh, oh, oh. Red Ban's good.

[A]

Oh, D. Madness. Sorry, D. Red man figured out the one stupid thing he could have done with that snake. Oh, don't throw it at the blind guy.

[B]

It was super funny.

[A]

Luckily, D's laughing.

[B]

What's up, D? Not much. She still looking at me?

[A]

No. Well, Jeremy, we're gonna get back to this bucket. We had Monique Jones on earlier. William Montgomery. Seems like you're all caught up.

[C]

Don't touch me.

[A]

What a great. What a great panel.

[B]

I mean, walking Matt Rife.

[A]

Dude, this is incredible. You can.

[B]

When I met you, I looked like this.

[A]

How long I've known you?

[C]

That's crazy.

[B]

So you're saying it gets better? Yeah.

[A]

Yes. All right.

[B]

That's what's up.

[A]

10, 15 years. You could look exactly like that.

[B]

Jerry or Red Man. I'll take either, though. I'll take either.

[A]

We're going to get another bucket. Pull up here. How about one more time for Jeremy, everybody? Your next bucket full has to follow that. Not easy to do. We're going to meet them all together. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Anthony Fink. Everybody. One minute uninterrupted for Anthony Fink.

[C]

Thank you. Thank you. What's up, Austin? I'm not a really smart guy. I've had two disengagements in my life. My last ex, she broke up with me because she had a yeast infection. And, yeah, she really loved this joke for two reasons. One, because I kept bringing up the fact that she had a yeast infection. The second reason was because while she was going through it, I kept chasing around the house asking her what kind of bread she was making. Like, is it sourdough? Then she'd get mad. I'd be like, well, you're definitely being a bit of a sour puss. Sorry, guys. I know you're tired of these bread jokes. Much like her, she got over them pretty fast. Just a real gluten for punishment. Like I said, I'm not really a smart guy. I used to think Lance and Neil Armstrong were the same guy. Until about 2009. Yeah. Nobody else. Okay. Got a crowd full of liars.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I don't have time to finish it. That'll work right there. Yeah.

[A]

Wow. All right. Anthony Fink. Anthony, do you have a hilarious stuff in your fanny pack by any chance that could help this?

[C]

They took it backstage.

[A]

Anthony, how long you been doing standup?

[C]

Five to seven years. I took a few years off during

[A]

COVID but I started back when you say a few. Did you. Do you perhaps mean five to seven years?

[C]

Yeah, five to seven.

[A]

It's more like how often do you perform? How often do you get on stage these days?

[C]

Just like two to three times a week.

[A]

How come?

[C]

You know, just didn't get back in the swing of things until recently. So just kind of working my way back.

[A]

What happened? Why did you take a break?

[C]

A couple reasons. Well, one, Covid shut everything down and then waiting for it to come back, work kind of got in the way. And what do you do for work? I don't work there anymore. I was working for Lockheed Martin.

[A]

Wow. What were you doing there?

[C]

I was working on the production line. No alien or cool stuff. Don't worry, guys. Nothing cool at Lockheed, there's no big secrets, but I was just.

[A]

Nobody thinks you're doing anything cool.

[C]

Yeah, no, I didn't think.

[A]

Don't worry.

[C]

I didn't think so.

[A]

So Lockheed Martin took a lot of your time and your energy, and now you're getting back in the stand up slowly at about two or three times a week.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

And you just did my girlfriend has a yeast infection bread jokes and closed it out with a big Lance and Neil Armstrong because they have the same last name but no real connection. You just said that you thought they were the same person and you called the audience liars.

[C]

I feel like everyone else has made that misconception. I'm not the only person.

[A]

Right.

[C]

Does anyone else?

[B]

Nope.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, they both have the last name Armstrong. Let's talk about your. Your life. Anthony, give us something interesting about you.

[C]

Interesting? I speak six different languages.

[A]

Wow. You can bomb in six different languages. It's incredible. What are the six languages?

[C]

I do English, Spanish, German, Chinese.

[B]

Can you do like a mashup,

[C]

like

[B]

a comp, Like a. Like a German, Japanese, Like a.

[A]

Like a Chinese, German type of Asian fusion. Like,

[C]

Wow. I don't know enough to call.

[A]

Yeah, I don't think any of us do Spanish and German. What did you say?

[C]

Hola. Como estas? And gemini Zam Zinvers. Dark just means together. We are strong in German.

[B]

Yay. No, that's. What's up. That's a sweet sentiment. That's a sweet sentiment.

[C]

This got called gay by the guy with blonde bleach hair?

[A]

No, that was Jeremy. That was.

[C]

I was being nice.

[A]

Drowning.

[C]

Sorry. Matt.

[B]

Anytime.

[C]

And if Matt was doing a Matt R impression.

[A]

No, it's okay. Sorry. It's okay. So tell us, what is your love life like? Do you have a girlfriend right now?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, I do. Surprisingly enough. She lives in New York. She's a black woman.

[B]

Hell yeah. Oh, whoa.

[C]

It's all right. She's making pumper nickel. Yeah.

[A]

Yes. That is the Black east infection joke.

[C]

Zing.

[A]

There you go.

[C]

Good.

[A]

I think we just pulled a Monique for him. I think Matt Rife just wrote your joke for you. Good. There you go.

[C]

Take it.

[A]

That's the joke.

[B]

Where'd you meet her?

[C]

On Hinge? Yeah, she lived in Dallas at the time and we met at a DeLuca pizza place.

[A]

You met like you met online and then at a pizza place? So you ran into each other at a pizza?

[C]

Yeah, we met on Hinge. Messaged a couple times, back and forth. And then.

[A]

And then what happened? So you're eating pizza. What kind of pizza did you get that day? Do you remember?

[C]

I got a dude, I treat DeLuca like it's Cici's pizza. And I had like 25 slices and leaving the crust on the table like an absolute piece of. And yeah.

[A]

You ate it on stage here tonight.

[C]

I sure did. That's what I usually.

[A]

How about her? Do you remember what kind of pizza she got?

[C]

It was. It's like a buffet style, so it's kind of really hard to say. They have like everything from like basic to a bunch of unique ones. It's like a think of.

[A]

Unique Is her sister's name Okie dokie? Anthony. So how long have you been with this black girl?

[C]

It's been a year and three months.

[A]

What does she do for work?

[C]

She is a communications director for tech company.

[A]

Is there something that you realized when having sex with your black girlfriend that is different than having sex with a white woman? Can you tell this audience, especially Jeremy, really wants to know and if you

[B]

have any sort of video proof, that would be fucking awesome.

[C]

Funny you should mention that.

[B]

Oh, I'm very serious.

[C]

Get with me after the show. I got you.

[B]

Let's go.

[C]

I got you. Yeah, no big difference. Would just be way more cheeks. That's for sure. It's warmer.

[B]

What does that mean?

[A]

It's true. That is.

[B]

That is what. What's.

[C]

What's warmer?

[B]

I think that's what I'm trying to ask.

[C]

Yeah. What's warmer?

[A]

Yeah, like the inside of the vaginas.

[C]

The inside? Yeah, like the whole thing. Even the outside.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Why is the outside also warm?

[A]

Well, there's. There's a couple reasons.

[C]

Yeah, that's a good question.

[A]

They absorb the sun

[B]

Too much vitamin D will do that to you.

[C]

Yeah, it's from all the perineum sunbathing.

[A]

Okie dokie.

[B]

Oh, wait a. Suck the energy out of that.

[A]

Anthony, you said. Funny you mentioned that. Like, you might actually have a sex tape out there. Do you. Did you have you guys recorded yourselves having sex? Yes, but it's only for your own personal viewing.

[C]

No, it's.

[A]

You guys made a porno?

[C]

Yep. It's out there.

[A]

Where. Where can people find this?

[C]

At Red band. You've got it pulled up.

[B]

Oh, you just got snaked.

[A]

Oh, oh, here it comes. Oh, whoa. Different couch.

[C]

No.

[A]

Oh, my goodness.

[B]

Sorry.

[A]

D D. There's a snake on the loose. All right. Okay. So is it really out there? Did you really make a porn? Can you at least describe the porn to us? Are you playing a character? Is it just like, hey, what's up?

[C]

No, it's not great. Like, we don't have a production crew like this.

[A]

Didn't you go to acting school with Paul Rudd in 94?

[C]

Do I look that old?

[A]

How can people find it?

[C]

How What?

[A]

How can people find the sex tape? It's out there. What would it be labeled under?

[C]

It's on Reddit.

[B]

Is it on dashboard confessional.com? because you look like the lead singer of Dashboard Confessional.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Nobody knows who that band is. That sucks.

[C]

Hey, you're vindicated, okay? Yeah.

[A]

All right.

[C]

One person got that.

[A]

It's gonna be able to see Anthony's finest work.

[B]

What was the coolest movie you did in the tape? Like, what was like. Because I haven't done it. So, like, what's the. If I'm gonna make a sex tape, what's the opening move?

[C]

It's the opening move on the sex tape.

[A]

Well, what's. What was the highlight of the sex tape? Let's ask that.

[C]

Coming. That was the best part of the sex tape. It was mostly just pov, close up. So no really, like, good moves to really see. Just. Yeah, I don't know that I want to see him.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Gotta keep our faces out of it, you know? Yeah, I've never jerked off the Danny Masterson before. That would be kid porn, so you wouldn't want to do that. Probably.

[B]

That is probably a good idea.

[A]

You do be looking like that. No doubt about it. Do people tell you that a lot?

[C]

I've Gotten it lately? Yeah, I've gotten the high.

[A]

Are you going for that? Because it seems.

[C]

No, no, I'm not going for it. But I have been getting it lately. I don't know if it's the sideburns

[B]

or the yellow glasses, but with a real rapey vibe. Maybe it's that. You ever think about that?

[C]

Y' all are so safe with me. Y' all are so safe. Not you. You're safe. You're definitely safe, Anthony.

[A]

Let's try again another time. Here's a little joke book. There he goes. Anthony Fink. We're gonna keep it moving along. I tried. I tried with that one.

[B]

Time is valuable. That's why Lowe's blueprint takeoffs turn blueprints into quotes faster. Bring us your plans, and we'll generate itemized material lists to make quoting easier so you can get back to Building Plus. At the Lowes Pro desk, you get access to thousands of building materials not sold in store. And when your order's ready, we'll deliver everything to the job site. Improving is easy at Lowe's.

[A]

All right, let's meet somebody else. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for J.P. leonard, everybody. Oh, there's Heidi. Make some noise for Heidi, everybody. J.P. leonard.

[C]

I am from Louisiana, Cajun country. Settle down. And everyone wants to come to Cajun country. They want to see all the stuff we have. And I'm like, look, I live there. My favorite place closed during COVID and that was an all you can eat Popeyes Buffet. That's right. I don't know if you know this. Lafayette, Louisiana, is home to the only Popeyes Buffet in the world. And it was beautiful. Full menu. Fried chicken, white meat, dark meat, all the sides you can have, and all the biscuits and ketchup you can fucking eat. And people ask me, was it good? And I'm like, you shut your damn mouth. And then I look them in the eyes and I tell them. In May 2018, world class chef Anthony Bourdain came to Lafayette to film an episode of his TV show. And he ate at that Popeyes Buffet three days in a row. And less than six weeks later, he killed himself. So was it good? You goddamn right it was good. All I'm saying is, how do we get Bobby Flay to Waffle House? So, all right. That's it.

[A]

Okay. 56 seconds of J.P. leonard. J.P. you look like you're new here, right?

[B]

I am.

[C]

First time?

[A]

Yeah. Welcome. How long you been doing stand up?

[C]

A little over 10.

[A]

10 years. Where at?

[C]

Lafayette, Louisiana.

[A]

Okay. You've been there the whole time?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Still live there?

[C]

Yep. I run a scene out there.

[A]

Nice. You have a family?

[C]

Yeah, I do. Wife, two kids, two dogs, three cats.

[A]

Wow, look at that. Yeah, I love it. I love it. What do you do for work?

[C]

I'm education, so I work from home now, so. Virtual school.

[A]

Nice. Virtual school. What are you teaching?

[C]

I'm not. I do special ed stuff. Ieps, all that good stuff.

[A]

Oh, Jeremy, this may be one of your.

[B]

You speak my language.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I also love Popeyes.

[C]

I know. Good to see you again, though.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

One of your former great teachers.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, no, I definitely did. I did all that all the way through grade school. It was. I mean, I was one of the more advanced. You know, everybody was, like, chewing on, and I was like, let's.

[C]

Yeah, but you can swallow.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What's that?

[C]

You can swallow.

[B]

So I could swallow. What?

[C]

Okay, keep going.

[A]

All right.

[B]

I might be a virgin, but I. I still like girl. Yeah, but what the was that?

[C]

None. None.

[A]

I just.

[C]

No.

[A]

Jp, can you get him?

[B]

Tony?

[A]

Jp, can you give us an example of times where you've noticed something funny while teaching special ed online?

[C]

I didn't teach for long, so I do, like, IEPs and stuff, and I was a supervisor, like, the. The plant. Jeremy. You got it. The plans for special education kits. You know, it's like the document. Yeah, but I was an assistant principal before that. I've kind of been in everything, so mostly out the classroom my whole time, so.

[A]

Okay. Is it. Is it easy doing that for the special ed industry? Because, like, I would call them an

[C]

industry, but yeah, it's. I mean, they're not out of the Dow, but, you know,

[A]

they're on the dirt. You said it. Amazing.

[C]

No, man, I loved it. I mean, I. I did teach for a couple years and then moved into supervisor roles and everything, but, yeah, I love education. It's been 23 years I've been doing it.

[A]

Wow, that's great. That is just great. Jeremy, that's enough.

[B]

Any. Any of the kids ever try to fight you?

[C]

No, I've. I've been cool. I was cool. I was a. I was a cool teacher at the time I taught, so.

[B]

But did you. But did anybody ever, like, just off their meds on the spectrum just come for you?

[A]

No.

[B]

Did you ever think. Did you ever take self defense? Like, did you ever think about, like, what if? Because you always got to be in any sort of supervisor role. You got to play the what if game, right?

[C]

Yeah, you. You do. It's called cpi. Training, crisis prevention. So you try to de. Escalate the thing. All right.

[B]

Hit me with some music real quick, fellas.

[A]

Yeah. Let's see what happens.

[B]

Let's say there's a little crisis. Let's say.

[A]

Let's see if you remember your cbi. Here's Jeremy.

[B]

Let's say. Let's say you're at a ATM machine, so you're trying to get some cash out. And I just got.

[A]

What?

[B]

I just got done getting Taco Bell, and I realized I was a little short on cash and I gotta get some money to go back to get the nachos. Right?

[C]

Okay.

[B]

And you're at the machine, and all of a sudden.

[A]

And here we go. Wow. Look at that.

[B]

Hey, give me a gun or give me. I have a. Wow.

[A]

So.

[B]

All right.

[C]

So.

[A]

Okay, here we go. You got a little.

[C]

I gotta get more money.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Hey, do you mind if I borrow a five dollar bill?

[C]

No, you go sit.

[B]

I was just kidding. Suck my dick. What do you do?

[C]

I won't suck your dick. And you. You just go sit down.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

It fucking works. I'm gonna be staying with them.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Way to fucking improvise, dude.

[A]

Crisis prevention, without a doubt.

[C]

I've never had that much spit on my ear, so it was kind of weird, you know, so.

[B]

Well, it's not the first time. You probably had that.

[C]

Oh, boy.

[B]

From the kids, that spit.

[A]

Jp, how long have you been with your baby Mama?

[C]

We made 22 years in December. Married.

[A]

Wow. How do you keep things fresh in the bedroom? How do you keep things exciting?

[C]

We role play.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Can you give us an example of some things that you've done?

[C]

Yeah. So the latest one, I act as, like, cartoon characters. So my new character, I'm. I'm doing the children's level with donkey Eeyore.

[A]

Oh, yes. This is gold. And who is she in this?

[C]

She's just herself.

[A]

Oh, nice. Hell, yeah.

[C]

She likes donkeys.

[A]

I love it. Who doesn't love a good old donkey dickon? Yeah.

[B]

I mean.

[A]

So can you give us an example of how you come in the room when you're donkeying it up?

[C]

I walk on two legs because I was trained. And then. And she wants to do stuff and I'm like, okay.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

I'm like, I guess we can talk. Do that position.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And then.

[C]

And she keeps going. And I'm like, I've never done anal. Oh, look, Poo. All right, so we need the poo joke.

[A]

All right.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

How do you.

[C]

How do you come as Eeyore? Also buckets.

[A]

You're a donkey.

[C]

It's gotta be. You gotta go hard, dude. I'm pretty mellow, so you must have. I get that vibe.

[A]

Gone to the same acting school as Monique. Not a lot of commitment. Commitment there. Give us one more crazy fun fact about your life, J.P. leonard. You seem like you've seen a lot. A lot. Lafayette, Louisiana, is a crazy place.

[C]

Yeah, it's. It sits there. It's interesting. No, I mean, then in comedy, you know, run shows, produce shows, do a lot of podcast editing, and if I'm at home, I just like. I like a good cigar, a good glass of whiskey, and share rotisserie chicken with my dogs on the back patio, you know?

[A]

Hell, yeah. Look at you. A real. Just good old American man.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Living the life. I love it. Anything else for J.P. gentlemen?

[B]

Too mellow? Yeah.

[C]

What's. There's.

[B]

So. There's gotta be something going on. Like, you can't just be like, I just like chicken and hanging out. Like, what's.

[C]

That's what I do.

[B]

Oh, there's something up going on here, dude. No, what is it?

[A]

Your whole set was about a Popeyes buffet.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Highlight of your interview was rotisserie chicken.

[C]

I used to be a really fatter dude food, so, you know.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

I lost, like, 80 pounds over the last year or so.

[B]

Oh, that's where all this comes.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, that Ozempic.

[C]

No, I couldn't afford exempic, so I got the bootleg stuff, but, you know.

[A]

Oh, nice. Yeah.

[C]

Just eating right, you know, and working out, I guess.

[A]

All right.

[C]

Oh, you don't have to look at my.

[B]

Say it again.

[C]

You don't have to look at my pecs when I said that.

[B]

No, you look good.

[C]

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

[B]

I bet you swallow

[C]

rotisserie chicken. Yes.

[B]

Yeah, sure. If that's what you want to call it. Do you ever have. Does your wife ever, like. Because, like, I know I've. My. You know, my. My. My boyfriend Jerry is always like, you know, your mom. Have been her for a while. So, like, at some point, we're gonna mix it up, bring somebody else into bed. Your wife ever suggest that or do you ever get. I always feel that that's like coming in a marriage where it's like, you gotta spice things up. Somebody else into the.

[C]

No, the biggest thing I did, I got a vasectomy. So that's it. So prove it.

[A]

All right.

[C]

Give me a cup. All right. Okay.

[A]

Gross, J.P. fun times. Here's a medium joke book. Nice to meet you, buddy.

[B]

Sorry.

[A]

Make the trip again. See, another minute. This is a one word name coming at you right now. So anything can happen here. What we've learned from many years of the show is one word names can be a little bit more wild than two word names. So make some noise for Kyle, everybody. One word, Kyle.

[B]

Guys.

[C]

So the last, like, since for like an hour, I was talking to a real comic and he was like, telling me like, dude, this is the worst thing that could ever happen to you. Like, coming up on stage your first night, I'm like, well, I don't want to do that. And dude, here we are, of course. But like, my minute, I don't know when it started, but like, when you. When you come to sign up for this, you, they're like, why do you

[B]

think you would be good?

[C]

And I'm like, well, you're right, I

[B]

don't think I'd be good.

[C]

And I just like, I heard there's this, like, exquisite joy from, like, failing, like, public humiliation that you can't get anywhere else. And

[B]

I'm here right now experiencing that,

[A]

Kyle, with somehow the best bucket pool set of the night. No preparation whatsoever. Wow. So this is your first time ever attempting stand up. I love it. Welcome, Kyle. Welcome. Straight from the Vietnam War, Incredible Afghanistan. This is going to be a hell of an interview. I don't see how we can fail here, Kyle. So tell us what made you want to start stand up comedy today?

[C]

Okay, the answer I was going to give to the guy.

[A]

Give the honest answer, but go ahead.

[B]

My one minute was.

[C]

Was like, my life's too tragic.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

My life is too tragic to be taken seriously.

[B]

Like, by the way I look.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Evil William Montgomery.

[A]

Yeah, it's okay.

[C]

Where's his scooter? Dude, you heard about it.

[B]

It's right over there.

[C]

You can't miss it again.

[A]

Not only were you one of the more genuine sets, you're also one of the better looking bucket pools that we've had here tonight. So welcome to the Kill Tony universe. Okay, stick with me here, Kyle. What have you been doing with your life this entire time? You could just ramble it all off at once.

[C]

Well, I was talking another comic about that.

[A]

Again, you don't need to reference other conversations. You could just answer the questions directly.

[C]

I live in the woods. In Oklahoma.

[A]

Perfect.

[C]

In a cabin.

[A]

Okay, are you. Are you on the run from something?

[C]

Like wildlife?

[B]

What the does that mean? Are there a bunch of moose that are trying to get money out of you or something?

[A]

In Oklahoma?

[B]

In Oklahoma.

[A]

Oklahoma moose. The old.

[C]

It's not a joke there.

[A]

There's.

[B]

Nobody thinks it is. Dude.

[A]

What the.

[B]

Go ahead.

[C]

Elks. Mostly elks.

[A]

Okay, what makes you want to make. What made you move to a cabin in Oklahoma?

[C]

Family trust. We have a trust up there. Me and my dad built it when I was like nine.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

A kid.

[A]

And is your dad still alive?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, so you hang out with your dad?

[C]

I hang out in the woods by myself.

[A]

Pretty much by yourself. Your dad's not there anymore.

[C]

He's like. He has a. A law firm in.

[A]

Your dad has a law firm in Dallas. Okay. And he built you a cabin in Oklahoma and said, here you go, kid.

[C]

You stay here.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Dude.

[B]

If you need a roommate, I am free because I'm in an Airbnb in San Antonio right now. It's not cheap.

[C]

I know I'm like, kind of alone this. But I love my dad. He's awesome.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Like the smartest guy I've ever known.

[A]

Okay, Jeremy, you don't need to start. Applause breaks for loving dads.

[B]

I don't know mine.

[A]

You hate Jerry. You hate Jerry.

[B]

He's just set my mom's voice.

[A]

Boyfriend.

[B]

I don't have a dad. Do you want me to

[A]

relax? Okay. Kyle, have you ever. You. You have a job? No.

[B]

No.

[A]

Look at you. You are dressed like a guy that doesn't have a job. Have you ever had a job? Okay, you would say yes at that part into the microphone, Kyle.

[C]

My last job was at 7:11.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Love that place.

[C]

I worked there for like two weeks. And then.

[A]

You ever commit any crimes?

[C]

I was trying to get back in the army.

[A]

And then project into the tip of that microphone. You have to talk a little bit louder.

[B]

You don't.

[A]

To cup it. You could just talk. You don't have to do that. Just talk like a grown up into the tip of the mic.

[C]

What was the question again?

[A]

Have you ever committed any crimes?

[C]

No. Violent crimes?

[A]

No. Okay.

[B]

Ever steal any Kit Kats?

[A]

Do my very specific question, Jeremy questions. Trying to get.

[C]

You ever steal any valor?

[B]

No. When you were in the woods, did you ever see. You ever see a snake? Sorry, dude.

[A]

Kyle. Kyle, there any ladies out there in the woods? What do you do for fun? Like, what do you. How do you. Can you.

[C]

I do bird calling.

[A]

Okay, let's hear some bird calls. Thank God Almighty, we got something out of him. Here we go with some bird calls.

[B]

Falcon.

[A]

Is that a falcon?

[C]

It's just a general call I do to all birds.

[A]

Okay. Do you know any other calls? Bird calls. That's true.

[B]

Female Falcon.

[A]

Female falcon. Jeremy is a bird specialist. Wait, Kyle, I'm gonna ask you again. What made you come down to Austin, Texas for this? Do you know what this. Have you ever watched the show or

[C]

something when you're that bored in the woods? Like, I just do shit like drive 500 miles on a scooter, and I'm like, this is kind of fun.

[A]

You were on a scooter?

[B]

Yes, it was Scooter.

[A]

Did you find this scooter in Tucson, Arizona, Green wheels?

[C]

No, I bought it in Plano, Texas.

[A]

Thank you.

[C]

Sorry.

[A]

Well, that appreciate a good call back there.

[B]

Wait, like, Dumb and dumber style? You fucking came all the way here? Yeah. Let's go, dude.

[A]

All right.

[C]

You ever ridden a train? Yes. Steam engine. Not a steam engine. Should try it. I want to. You'd love it.

[B]

I would love it.

[C]

How'd you know I was autistic about trains?

[B]

Because you look like a conductor from a kid show.

[A]

That is true. That is true.

[C]

It

[A]

looks like you could be there.

[C]

That's actually my dream job right now.

[A]

Okay. All right, Kyle. I recommend preparing for this. Writing, memorizing your set and. And signing up again. Sometimes come back, sign up again. I'm gonna send you back to Oklahoma with a little joke book. I think you got to give Jeremy a snake back. Here you go. There you go. Boom. There you go. All right. There he goes. Welcome to Kill Time. Will you let this guy go? What the is going on?

[B]

I felt bad he was gonna take it, and I was like, he's by himself. Maybe he could talk to him. But then I was like, I really. I didn't want to give it away.

[A]

I heard Jeremy say, I paid for it. What the fuck?

[B]

It's 7 11, ironically.

[A]

Unbelievable.

[C]

This episode is brought to you by White Claw Surge.

[A]

Nice choice.

[B]

Hitting up this podcast.

[C]

No surprises. You're all about diving into tastes everyone in the room can enjoy. Just like White Claw Surge. It's for celebrating those moments when connected have been made.

[B]

And the night's just begun.

[C]

With bold flavors and 8% alcohol by volume.

[B]

Unleash the night.

[C]

Unleash White Claw Surge.

[A]

Please drink responsibly.

[C]

Hard seltzer with flavors. 8% alcohol by volume. White Claw Seltzer Works, Chicago, Illinois.

[B]

We heard you.

[A]

Nine years of bring back the snack wrap and you've won.

[B]

But maybe you should have asked for more. Say hello to the Hot honey snack wrap.

[C]

Now you've really won.

[B]

Go to McDonald's and get it while you can.

[A]

All right, ladies and gentlemen, we have a special treat for you. We love this guy around here. He's so different than everybody else here with a brand new minute. Make some noise for Sir Winston Pickles, everybody. Oh, listen to the pop for Sir Winston Pickles.

[C]

Hello.

[B]

This, by the way, is little Kwame. I've been sponsoring this little guy in Africa for the last three years at

[C]

99 cents a week.

[B]

And unbeknownst to me, last March, my credit card expired. So he's dead.

[C]

No worries. His family's still getting a little bit of money.

[B]

They sold his shrunken head to a tourist. I love America. Right? It's the only place you can go to work, especially Olive Garden. Start your shift as a chef and end up as a head chef. Thank you.

[A]

First of all, one of my favorite jokes of the night. How about a hamburger? Winston Pickles. But let's talk about that Olive Garden joke at the end. Chef. Head chef. What do you mean?

[B]

A guy just fried his head? Committed suicide.

[A]

Oh, got it, got it. Oh, that did. Yes. And you. Red band. Red Band's flag is at half staff for that. He's a huge, huge Olive Garden fan. It's been a rough week for you. Olive Garden guy killed himself in the deep fryer. And Wendy's are closing 400. 400 locations?

[B]

Wait, why? No, they're downsizing and they're trying to

[A]

redo their menu, make it cheaper because

[C]

of the economy and all that.

[A]

Five letters.

[B]

You'll be downsizing.

[A]

What?

[B]

Red Bun will be downsizing.

[A]

That's true. He's going to be down 400, too. All right, Sir Winston Pickles. Amazing, amazing material. Explain to the people what the half and half is. I don't know if everybody can see exactly what's going on there, but I

[B]

actually saw this lady in Tucson last week, Nancy Guthrie.

[A]

You saw her in Tucson?

[B]

Yeah, she was on a razor scooter.

[C]

She was.

[A]

That is Nancy Guthrie on the. The side of a half and half.

[B]

Well, somebody's got a double thinking, because the FBI isn't.

[A]

That is true. Nothing's happening. It seems Sir Winston Pickles is back. Jeremy, this must be very exciting for you.

[B]

Yeah, this is a real treat. I am afraid of clowns. But. But you're super funny, dude.

[C]

Do you.

[B]

Do you don't do birthday parties or do you.

[C]

No, none of that.

[A]

No.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Where are you from? England.

[A]

Let's go.

[B]

Which. Which part? I. Yorkshire. Is that the Harry Potter part or. No, no. How long did you.

[A]

Oh, it's just a. You ever.

[B]

You ever.

[A]

You thinking of the question right?

[B]

I've got it. Just don't know how to ask it. When I said I'm afraid of him.

[C]

What.

[B]

When you're having. So virgin. Let's get out of the way. When I do do it, does it help to look like that? Like, do you. When you're. When you get to do it, do you fucking stay like that or do you fucking change it. Change it up. When I do a walk. When do I need to act it out? Like when you. When you. When you get to. When you get to.

[A]

Okay, maybe, maybe, maybe use your words.

[B]

Yeah, just when you get to do intercourse.

[A]

And.

[B]

Yeah, of course I do you say you stay like that. Yes. Let's go. Yes. Do you have a little squeaky towards you? Yes, squeaky. Tell you. Yes. Let's go. All right, that's it. Matt,

[A]

how far do you go with the paint? Is that. Is it full body?

[B]

Just finish it at the chest.

[A]

Okay. Yes, that makes sense.

[B]

You black under there? Yes. I'm hiding from ice.

[A]

Yeah. Black people can do that. Black people can do white face.

[C]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Cool. The other way around.

[C]

You got a problem.

[A]

It's true. Or a career. Yeah.

[C]

You do any tricks? No, the.

[B]

I don't own three of anything at home just to deter jugglers.

[A]

Well, we got news for you. If you want some tricks, we got Jeremy right here. Yeah.

[B]

There's Wally of one trick. So. All right, so close your eyes. Imagine you're on a beach right now. Yes. Give me some beach music, guys.

[A]

Here we go.

[B]

You're on a super, super sexy beach, right? And there's nobody there. It's just.

[A]

It's just a lot of drums. I don't know if that's beach music.

[B]

Yeah, it's a Caribbean beach. And there's a lot. There's a lot of people that are out there. A lot of big ass titties, right? Everyone's hanging out, a lot of sexy women. And all the women start coming up to you. They go, oh, shit. What's up, man?

[C]

You.

[B]

You black under there. Keep your eyes closed. And then. And then all of a sudden, there's, boom. There's like 30 women. And they're all like, hey, I don't know if those clothes come off easily, but we would like to. And then open your eyes and then there's a fucking snake in front of you. Sorry, dude. That was so disrespectful. I'm sorry.

[A]

Could have thrown it at his chest. You didn't have to hit my fucking. Out of his face.

[B]

I'm so sorry, dude.

[A]

We had him close.

[B]

God, is 7:11.

[A]

He had a. He has a snake.

[B]

But you really don't do any tricks, huh? No.

[C]

So you're just the scariest drag brunch ever.

[B]

Yes. Oh, my God.

[A]

It's terrifying. I love his dark jokes. The he's dead punchline was so crisp. Crisp. I absolutely loved it. Yeah, crisp. There was a decisive delivery. It wasn't like, really anything we've seen tonight. Jeremy tagging with. That's what's up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then there was a bunch of people that have done it for a total of 55 years that talked about bread and yeast infections, Popeyes, buffets, and. And grits. The South. He's Dead was my favorite punchline so far.

[B]

You're welcome.

[A]

So Sir Winston Pickles getting us through another great set. Thank you, Sir Winston.

[B]

You're welcome. Thanks for having me.

[A]

Fun times. Sir Winston Pickles, ladies and gentlemen. Nothing quite like him. A British evil clown. They don't make them like that anymore. It is terrifying. One more time for Sir Winston. You guys having fun out there? Back to the bucket we go. As you've seen tonight, absolutely anything can happen. It could be a evil British clown. It could be a man from the woods in Oklahoma. Anything can happen. Make some noise for your next comedian out of the bucket. Hey, Bullstat. Hey, Bull.

[C]

Last time I was in Austin was about $200,000 earlier last year in rehab and. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah. Let that marinate for a second. So they don't take insurance in rehab, but you do get to learn one thing about rehab. Your roommate will always be the one that's trying to jerk off when they're on volume. It's two hours. Two hours of hearing this when you're trying to sleep. And it's not even the fucking good shit. Like, it's not even anyone that's next to you. So that's what I have to say about rehab. That and. Right. And the fact that you go to sober living, which is right next door. So my view from sober living house was all these fucking buildings that I couldn't come to, which was really exciting. And then I got served divorce papers. Yeah, it's just getting there. Right. And then on top of that, I decided to become single again at 51. Well, I didn't decide. Ew. I didn't decide to become single. I was told that I'm single now, and I still have a credit rating of 820, so.

[A]

All right. They both making what I believe is your Kill Tony debut, correct?

[C]

It is my Kill Tony debut. Yes, sir.

[A]

Wow. Okay. Have you ever done stand up before?

[C]

A couple of times.

[A]

A couple of times. Where at?

[C]

So I host the hey Bolstad show in San Antonio and Shout Out.

[B]

And you also look like you host an AA music meeting in San Antonio.

[C]

A lot of them. Hey, I got six months of sobriety this month.

[B]

Let's go, dude.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Let's go.

[A]

All right. No, hey, let's talk about. Right.

[B]

He's gonna go see if Jurassic park is still open.

[C]

Oh, it's a tough crowd.

[B]

There gonna be any dinosaurs in this dinosaur tour? Where we're going, we don't need roads. But that's. That's a different movie. Oh, a dear movie. I've always seen Dragon Park 2, by the way.

[C]

Hell, yeah.

[A]

Hey, Bullstad. Yeah, let's talk about it. How old are you?

[C]

I'm 51.

[A]

51? You don't look a day over 65. That's.

[C]

Well, that's incredible jitsu for me. Jiu jitsu Makes my life a lot easier.

[B]

You do Jiu Jitsu?

[C]

15 years.

[B]

What belts are you?

[C]

Four stripes on my blue belt. Getting ready for my purple.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Is that your new catchphrase?

[C]

Getting ready to. Yeah, why not?

[B]

For my purple.

[C]

All right.

[B]

Can I give him a little scenario?

[C]

All right, I'm ready.

[B]

Let's say you're at the atm, and I'm just got back from getting some Taco Bell.

[C]

I'm an atm.

[A]

Don't hurt them. When this happens. Three tables. That don't hurt them. This looks like it could be a real. Yeah. Face the atm. That's the atm.

[B]

Give me all your money, punk.

[C]

Word.

[A]

Don't hurt him. Don't hurt him. Hey.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

All right. This is a bad idea. Jeremy, this is a bad idea.

[B]

Hold on.

[C]

Give him a minute. Give him a minute.

[A]

Oh. Whoa.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Jeremy. Jeremy, get back here. You're a lawsuit waiting to happen.

[C]

Happen.

[B]

Get ready for my purple.

[A]

All right, all right.

[C]

All the way in.

[B]

Do we just start dancing out of nowhere?

[A]

The only. The only person having any purple up here is John D's and D Madness, their beverage of choice.

[C]

Everybody, purple full set.

[A]

I have a thousand questions for you. Let's get into it. You're 51. You're six months sober. What kind of party were you having exactly? To where you had to go to a $200,000 rehab facility?

[C]

Ready it. Let me see a gallon and a half of vodka a day. No one's allowed to tell me no. Basically, fly wherever I want, do whatever I want, and. Yeah.

[A]

What do you do for work? How'd you make that money to be able to do that? Fly wherever you want drinking a gallon?

[C]

How shameless am I allowed to get?

[A]

Just answer the question, dude. Been a rough, rough night for interviews tonight.

[C]

Yeah, I own a. I own a river outfitter in New Braunfels, Texas. Nice. And I just been doing this.

[A]

You've done that your whole life?

[C]

For a good 16 years now. Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

And yeah. I don't know, man. I just hustle. I'm a grinder like everybody else. Not grinder.

[A]

Okay. All right. Hey, Bolstadt. So a gallon about good day. You were flying all over.

[C]

Gallon and a half.

[A]

Okay. All right. There you go. Was there drugs involved?

[B]

What?

[C]

Cocaine is always going to be a beneficial thing to almost anything if you want to stay up for a couple of days and shit your brains out. It's a skinny drug. I know. What the

[A]

six months sober. You're right.

[C]

You know what? I love you too. I love you too, man. I don't like that I can see your dick in these sweatpants. I know.

[A]

Oh, it is very clear.

[C]

I really don't love it, dude.

[A]

That is very clear.

[C]

Hey.

[B]

Yeah. You're ready to go to the strip club? That's what's up, San Antonio. Oh, I go to that one, too.

[C]

I'm having the best time ever. This is awesome.

[B]

Wait, you said you were divorced.

[C]

Halfway through it.

[B]

Oh, Gallon and a half.

[A]

Oh, go.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Tony, come on.

[C]

Yeah, it was.

[A]

You know what?

[C]

I, I, I, I wish her the best. I got nothing negative. Wish her the best.

[B]

But if you had to say one thing about it, wouldn't be here on YouTube forever.

[C]

No, I wouldn't be here on Everybody happy in life.

[A]

I love that you have kids, Bulstad.

[C]

I got a daughter that's going to turn seven next month.

[A]

Okay. All right. You're still in her life?

[C]

Yes, absolutely.

[A]

That's great. So what made you, what made you want to get into stand up comedy?

[C]

I talked to Pauly Shore when I was 17, when I lived in San Diego. And he, he dragged me around because I kept talking shit and Mitzi and them let me go on for Friday night and a Saturday night. And then here was this, this was. Would be 1990. 92.

[A]

Wow. Still three years pre matt Rife. And then that's absolutely incredible.

[C]

Yeah. And then on. And then after that I went surfing and then went and got a job and whatever the fuck else happened.

[A]

What was the job?

[C]

Motivational speaker.

[A]

What were you speaking about?

[C]

Positivity and how to raise money for high school athletics and I would tell the football players, if you have two girlfriends, you make them both. Sell that one that sells the most, you keep her. The other one's a loser anyway.

[A]

Sell what?

[C]

Chocolate. You gotta say that. Chocolate.

[A]

And bro, this is a night of confusing interviews.

[C]

It's a night of.

[A]

Polstead, stick with me up here just for a second, because I want to know for my own information. And then maybe we'll circle back to this crap. But you talked to Paulie Shore. So you're basically like, yeah, he was

[C]

walking by, he had two blondes, one on each side.

[A]

And then you said.

[C]

I went. And I was like, man, what you do? That ain't. I had no idea. I'm 17.

[A]

But you definitely knew who he was.

[C]

Yeah, cuz he had two blondes, one on each.

[A]

And also because he had the face and hair of Paulie short.

[C]

Well, that. He also, I think Encino man or something. Something was out and he was.

[A]

No shit. Yeah.

[B]

Word.

[A]

Okay? That's the answer. So you knew who Pauly Shore was. You talked shit to him. I want to know about. You met the actual Mitzi Shore? Yeah, and then she.

[C]

And I also met the man with the. With the crutches that had all the. He had all the stuffed animals on his crutches.

[A]

Okay. It doesn't matter.

[C]

They made me sit outside in the back in the parking lot because I couldn't come in.

[A]

Correct. That makes more sense because earlier you said that they put you on stage.

[C]

They did.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

But I had to wait outside.

[A]

Okay, stick with me here, Bullstead, stick with me here. You ready?

[C]

I'm ready.

[A]

When you say they put you on stage, was it by yourself?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

For how long?

[C]

Five minutes.

[A]

Was it three minutes?

[C]

No, it was. It was. They have a light? I didn't know what the light was.

[A]

Was it upstairs?

[C]

No, it was in the main room. In the main room, did it have

[A]

a red stage or was it carpeted? Small room.

[C]

There was a piano. I just remember there was a piano there because I used it the second night I came up.

[A]

Was it a keyboard or an actual piano? You were. Was it a red stage with red neon lights?

[C]

I. That part I don't remember. But I mean, everybody was super cool. It's just. It was in La Jolla.

[A]

Okay, there you go.

[B]

We'll fucking start with that.

[A]

Yes. Total different.

[C]

Can someone. Can you just.

[A]

Venue?

[B]

No, I think the damn thing.

[A]

You get nothing.

[C]

Nothing. And love it.

[A]

Okay, Bull. Stat.

[C]

Uphill, both ways.

[A]

What did you do on stage since you had no comedic experience?

[C]

I talked about getting My wisdom teeth pulled.

[A]

What did you say about that?

[C]

I said that I had gone to the Planet Drool because I couldn't really do anything other than drool while I was getting it done. And there was a dentist that was in the audience, and he started heckling me, and so I just went all in and I just told him that maybe he needed a better profession.

[B]

Got him.

[C]

Got him. Fucking good, dude. 17, bro. Why you got to pick on a 17 year old?

[A]

There you go.

[B]

Which Paulie in the back? Like, boo, bro.

[C]

No, he was so cool. Like, he was. He was really, really cool about the whole thing. And when I was done, then they. I got down, walked down off the stage, and they brought me over to the. Kind of towards the front, and then there's that hallway that goes back. And they wouldn't let me go in the back, but they let me hang out there. And then. Yeah, man, I just. Someone offered me 25 bucks for one of my jokes, okay?

[A]

See, every time I'm about to move on to something else, something like that, which is completely fucking insane. Insane when you say that. What was the joke that someone offered 25 bucks for? Do you remember that, by the way? That is the first time I've shushed somebody in 13 and a half years. That's how you make me feel. Bullstad. I've literally never said sh before. Thousands of hours of this show exist, and you're the first person that.

[C]

No, you roll.

[A]

Okay?

[C]

You'll be all right.

[A]

Do you remember the joke?

[C]

So it was from the Planet Drool, and I was talking about them pushing the needle, which was at this point, it was like this long, and they put it all the way through my gum. And I guess the guy, the comic that was back there, he was wearing a blazer and.

[A]

Not the question I asked. Go ahead.

[C]

Well, I'm getting to it. So he said, hey, man, I like that. He said, I like it. And he offered me 25 bucks. And I was like, well, fuck, all right, I need the money. 25 bucks, bro. That's like.

[A]

You don't remember the joke?

[C]

I just told you the joke.

[A]

You didn't. You just said that you shove a needle in his thing, and then you described what the guy was wearing.

[C]

Talking about the needle. You can't hear D Madness behind me going, oh, my.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Everyone's all right. He said he's the worst comic he's ever seen.

[A]

It is amazing.

[B]

Hell, yeah. Here comes the purple.

[A]

I got it.

[B]

Oh, you got tattoos?

[A]

No, it doesn't matter. Jeremy, pay no attention to the tattoos. There's a little joke book. There goes. Hey, Bolstad, everybody. There's nothing interesting about that man whatsoever on planet Earth. Your girlfriend's here. You want to bring your girlfriend out?

[B]

Can she come out?

[A]

Yeah, sure.

[B]

Guys, can you bring my girlfriend out? Is that cool if she hangs out for a bit?

[A]

Jeremy's bringing your. You're bringing your girlfriend out?

[B]

Yeah. Drove up from San.

[A]

This is insane.

[C]

You dropped your ass.

[A]

This is one of the most carnival esque episodes of Kilt. Oh, my goodness. What? What in the world is going on here? What is. What is going on?

[B]

Check, check, check.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Wait, don't worry about it. Don't worry about it.

[A]

Oh, my God. God. What the.

[C]

Man.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

What's up, Matt? Good to see you again.

[A]

What is your girlfriend's name? Jeremy.

[B]

I'm right here, Tony.

[A]

Oh. What's your name?

[B]

It's Lindsay. I can talk for myself. What I say about talking too much,

[A]

I love.

[C]

He doesn't even try not to move his mouth.

[B]

Yeah, well, maybe take me to dinner, Matt, and I'll move my mouth a lot more.

[A]

Whoa. What was that? A celebratory. What is that thing you did there with your. You.

[C]

Tony,

[A]

this is the first time we've ever had a lady like you on this show. Lindsey.

[C]

Yes,

[A]

Lindsay. You sound a lot like Jeremy. I gotta tell you. You guys must hang out a lot.

[B]

Well, I have a cold.

[A]

Jesus.

[B]

What's up, Redman? Redman and I are in the same VR channel.

[A]

Wow, look at that. Oh, yeah. These are the types of people that hang out with you in the VR world should see her Fraggles. All right, back the.

[B]

Did you say to me?

[A]

This is amazing. Is Lindsay gonna join us for the next bucket pull?

[B]

Is that cool?

[A]

Yeah, no, that's.

[B]

You guys mind if he hangs out for a couple? She's real to me.

[A]

Ooh, that sounds exciting. Someone's gotta be around here.

[B]

Oh, yeah. We're doing mostly mouth stuff.

[A]

A lot of these people have been.

[B]

How much of a lower half on this one?

[A]

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[B]

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[C]

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[A]

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[C]

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[B]

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[C]

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[A]

All right, here we go. Your next bucket pull. Lindsay, you know how the show works.

[B]

Yeah, I have Facebook.

[A]

Okay, 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to Ryan Dor, everybody. Ryan Dor. Here we go. The show continues.

[C]

I know I look like a Mormon CrossFit instructor or maybe only an extra in a Viking movie. I didn't get a supporting role. I have no lines. I have. Despite that, I have the emotional and financial stability of a 14 year old with a stolen credit card and divorced parents. I spend most of my money at the strip club on escorts and on weed, honestly. So my solution is I'm going to go to a medical trial here in Austin. They're going to inject my butt with HIV medication. And. In the cheek, not in the hole. In case anybody was wondering. I'm really staged. I'm really afraid of public speaking. So the only reason I did.

[A]

You want to finish that?

[C]

The only reason I did this was to try to get Kim Congdon's attention. I tried to send her flowers here.

[B]

Holy shit. Holy shit.

[A]

This is a live stalking. This is what this show's come to. Yes, the show has arrived. It was one thing when everyone was bombing guys just coming down from the woods to get all their socializing out of their system at once. But you coming. You are here to get Kim Congdon's attention.

[C]

I drove 25 hours from car.

[A]

Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, you are witnessing a part of Kil Tony live in which will one day be on one of those crime shows. Incredible. It's happening in real time.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Wow, Ryan, so you're. Is that really why you're here? Where did you drive 25 hours from exactly?

[C]

Carson City, Nevada.

[A]

Carson City, Nevada.

[B]

I've been there.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

I say about talking. Where in Carson City?

[A]

Oh, great question, Lindsay. I love that you go right to questions. Maybe you missed the part that I always tell Jeremy and Dr. Phil. Elaine. In which don't ask stupid questions for no reason because it derails the entire interview portion of the show. Lindsey. Sorry.

[B]

This is harder than it looks.

[A]

Okay, Ryan, let's talk about it because this is going to be More of like a interrogation.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Solving a crime more than an actual Kill Tony interview. What was it that were you. Where did you see Kim Congdon where you fell in love with?

[C]

September 1, 2022, at.

[B]

Oh, my God. What the fuck?

[C]

At Mic Drop Comedy in San Diego. Kearney Mesa, to be more specific. I talked to her for about two hours and I. Do you really want me to say, like, some crazy stuff?

[B]

Fuck, yeah.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

This is most likely. This is most likely going to be edited out of the show because. No, no, no. We need beyond all insanity.

[B]

But I. I know how I look.

[C]

I know how I look.

[A]

It's not about the look.

[B]

It's more about the demeanor and the voice and everything else.

[A]

Again, you're. You're actually the best looking bucketball. You just beat out Kyle from the woods in Oklahoma. So again, it's not about your look. It's about the tone and the. What you said. But go ahead.

[C]

I told her that night. I said, you know Tony Hinchcliffe and Nikki Glazer. I assume you guys should roast my favorite athlete, Tom Brady. That was in 2022.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

The prophecy came true.

[C]

The prophecy came true.

[B]

Dude, you should tell me to fucking get a bunch of fucking sex going.

[C]

What, sex or sesh?

[A]

I didn't.

[B]

Sex, sex.

[C]

Gotcha. Gotcha.

[B]

Fucking.

[A]

So, Ryan, you talked to her that night. Do you try to communicate with her since then?

[C]

Yeah, I mean, this is like a. I could spend an hour explaining the psychosis.

[A]

I'm. It gets scarier with every answer you give, Ryan.

[C]

It really does. It really does.

[A]

Okay. Okay. So that's a yes. You guys do talk sometimes.

[C]

No, no, she doesn't answer my DMs. I got a comment reply, so that's pretty good.

[A]

All right, if she was here right now and you could say anything you want to her, what exactly would you say if you had to keep it under 30 seconds?

[C]

I would say I think about you

[A]

all the time since the first man. No, wait, wait.

[C]

Can I.

[A]

Yes, Lindsay.

[B]

Can I maybe offer up some female. Can I offer up female perspective? And what's your name again? Jeffrey.

[C]

Ryan.

[A]

Brian.

[B]

Sorry, you're giving off Dahmer vibes.

[C]

Dahmer vibes.

[B]

So I'll be Kim. And let's say you're meeting me right now for the first time. Cool. Do, do, do, do, do. Ooh, I have such a cool pussy. Oh, what's up, Ryan?

[A]

Hey.

[C]

I didn't expect to see you here.

[B]

Oh, yeah, you fucking did.

[A]

What's up?

[B]

How are you?

[C]

Long time no see. I'm not sure if you remember me. I like everything you post. I listen to every podcast.

[A]

Wait, hold on, hold on a second. I have to. I have to interject here.

[B]

I thought it was going pretty great so far, but that's.

[A]

The thing's great, but I gotta jump back into this. Hold on a second. Because this is the only show in the world. I don't know if you guys know this. The moment that's happening right now is very interesting because every other show in the world, you have a podcast, you book the guest, you do a little research on the guest, you ask them a few pre planned questions, right? You try to stretch it out, you try to make it conversational. On television, everything is in a teleprompter. There's cue cards everywhere. Every single thing you've ever seen before. Spoiler alert. Has been predetermined and was planned before you ever saw it. Except for this moment happening right now live in this room. This is a live stalking that is happening right now with our very good friend, one of the first regulars ever in the history of the show, the hilarious Kim Congdon, who is amazing and has been doing stand up 13 years.

[B]

Yeah, she rips.

[A]

So funny and so hilarious. You became obsessed with her and you think about her all the time.

[C]

All the time.

[A]

Is there anyone else that you think about? This like never in my life. Right. Okay.

[C]

I love her like more than my mom and my mom's dad.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

When you say more than your mom, do you get along with your mom?

[B]

She.

[C]

She's dead, so I like her a lot more now.

[A]

Okay. Ed Geen.

[C]

Jesus Christ, man.

[B]

Plot twist.

[C]

Oh my God.

[A]

Did you do that to her, dude? Did you do that to your mom?

[C]

Maybe with my personality, I don't know. Oh my God. Kim's gonna turn into a fucking lampshade, dude. Oh my God.

[A]

So you've sent her flowers. She hasn't responded. He has. What does that say? A ring and flowers. You have a ring and flowers for Kim is what I've got. I've been handed a note. Is that true?

[C]

Yeah, it's in a bucket and back. I didn't bring it on stage.

[A]

Right. We don't allow people to bring things on stage and. Because they might end up like you. So, Ryan boy, again, this is real. Pretty much all I can say right now. You've stumped me. And yeah, very, very highly likely that this won't make it to the show because it's kind of nuts.

[C]

Tony.

[A]

Go ahead, Matt Rife.

[C]

Can I call Kim and Let him talk to me.

[A]

I don't need to. It's a great idea. Again, red band. When someone's making a call, the phone doesn't ring.

[B]

Oh, this is going to be so good. This is better than Love is Blind.

[A]

Wait, put it on speaker. Hit the speaker button.

[B]

Hey, it's kim condon.

[A]

Wait. What? Wait. Oh, yeah. Hello? Hello? Hello. It's. Well, you.

[C]

Hello?

[B]

Hello?

[A]

You'd have to. You'd have to not have your headset mic on for this bit to work.

[C]

Nope.

[A]

No, you wouldn't.

[B]

Sorry.

[A]

The table. You wouldn't. You wouldn't use that one either.

[C]

You would.

[B]

Let me call her back. Let me call Kim back. No, not.

[C]

Not answering.

[A]

It's. Ladies and gentlemen, this is.

[B]

You just got slaked or Dr. Prepper Tic Tac.

[A]

So when you brought a ring and flowers here.

[C]

So much potential.

[A]

You're expecting what exactly to happen? To run into her. That she'd be here, Perhaps.

[C]

You want the realistic perspective.

[A]

Yes. Yes, we do.

[C]

Realistically, I expect to be rejected. But just for closure, I have to. You know, you have to swing.

[A]

But what kind of closure exactly are you looking?

[C]

Either. Either she's like, yeah, we could date. We could see how it goes. Or, no, like, this is crazy. This is a weird way to approach a woman.

[A]

A lot of women, at the same time just said, that's it. Yes, that's it. Almost every woman, for the first time I've ever seen, agrees on something on one thing. They all agree on this. They're all looking at me and shaking their heads yes, all at once. It's almost incredible. Let's check in with Jeremy.

[B]

Well, I got no experience here, so I think what you're doing is pretty chivalrous, but thank you. Thank you. Also, some girls like a guy to play hard to get.

[C]

Right.

[B]

Or they want you to chase them. I mean, not literally chase them, but I'm fast. You're fast. See, that feels like something you should not stop.

[A]

But, like.

[B]

So this is what I want to

[C]

know from the ladies.

[B]

At what point when he's given a gift and they. And she doesn't respond, does he just take a hint? Like that time. Oh, that.

[C]

The first time.

[B]

What'd you say?

[C]

Let's see the ring. Oh, good question.

[A]

Oh, is it a real ring? Is it a legit ring? How much? How much? Where'd you get it from? How much did you spend?

[C]

Not a lot. 250.

[A]

Wow. That's a lot. That's a lot.

[C]

It's. It's a. Well, open it. And I'll explain it if we have it.

[A]

But let me ask you this, Ryan, because you met her once before, right? Only once. Well, hasn't communicated with you since then, so.

[C]

She used to talk to me on stage at the Belly Room.

[A]

Wait, so you went to her show all the time?

[C]

Dozens of shows.

[A]

And sometimes she would respond to you if you asked a question or heckled? Is that what you're saying?

[C]

Yeah, it was kind of conversational.

[A]

Right. During her set. Yeah. You would yell something out, she would

[C]

address me and then I would respond.

[A]

Right. She would make fun of you. She would make a joke, and then you would respond, yes. Right. Okay. Fuck.

[C]

I can't remember.

[A]

Question was. Hold on. God damn it. God damn it. Hold on.

[B]

Fuck.

[A]

Nope. Hold on. So I'm getting suggestions from the crowd for questions. By the way, again, that's another first in the history.

[C]

This is such a good documentary, dude.

[A]

Yeah. This is incredible, because I don't think. Don't you think that if you talk to her one more time and she said to you, you know, Ryan, this is kind of wild. You're not my type. Right. I'm not into this. Don't you think that since you've only talked to her before once, in reality, that you're going to only like her more?

[C]

Probably, yeah. Every time I hear her talk, I tend to like her more. So.

[A]

Right, okay.

[C]

Which is either stalkerish or nice, depending if I'm.

[B]

No, it's the first one.

[A]

Stalkerish. Ryan, one of the scariest things in the history of the show. Have you ever had another girlfriend?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, don't say it like that.

[C]

Yeah, I'm 29. I'm 29.

[A]

Come on, 29. Okay.

[C]

What's been dry 29 years?

[A]

It's very possible. This is Jeremy right here. Okay.

[C]

Your belt is at the end.

[A]

That is a great setting. It's an unbelievable observation. There are 32 ways on the.

[C]

32 ways.

[A]

No more loops left. It is incredible. What's the longest relationship you've ever been in?

[C]

10 months.

[A]

10 months. Did the girl know that she was still in the relationship the whole 10 months?

[C]

Yeah, but she was. AI. I'm just. I'm kidding.

[A]

I'm.

[C]

You can't make jokes like that, man.

[A]

All right, Ryan, we're going to let you out of here. I'm not sure whether this is one of the most compelling, compelling interviews and moments in the show's history or if it will.

[C]

You going to set them loose back in the club?

[A]

No, it's not going. They go right out the back door, this part. And I can tell you there's a lot of security guys looking at me, very concerned.

[C]

I'm nonviolent.

[A]

I know we can tell. You seem like. You seem like you have good intentions, but it is a little creepy. Ryan. All right, there he goes. Ryan Daughtery, everybody. No joke book. Oh, nothing. Lindsay slamming her hand on the table. She liked him.

[B]

I thought he was hot, but I'm a crazy girl.

[A]

You are a wild girl, Lindsay. All right, you know what? Let's cleanse the stage. Let's sage the stage a little bit. With the return of a golden ticket winner who hasn't been on this show in a very long time. Here, ladies and gentlemen, could be a story of redemption. And who knows? Anything can happen. He's one of the wildest characters in the history of the the show. You know him. He has the record for most all time appearances on one episode of Kel. Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the return of Drew Nickens.

[C]

Unlike the last guy, I just had sex for the first time in 18 months.

[B]

She had a mullet.

[C]

And I don't think I was her

[B]

first special needs body because she knew

[C]

how to seduce me.

[B]

She was like, hell yeah, brother.

[C]

You look like Marv from Home Alone. And a sexy Napoleon Dynamite trying to go back to my hotel room and watch YouTube.

[B]

I was fucking jazzed. Cause I knew exactly what to throw on. Eddie Guerrero versus Rey Mysterio Halloween Havoc 97. Am I right, ladies?

[C]

I was a little nervous because I don't have the lover's touch.

[B]

Cause sometimes I bet animals too hard. But we got it cracking, dog. It's so much clapping and screaming during that hotel room session. People thought we were watching a black high school graduation.

[C]

And I got a tbi.

[B]

But that night, I gave her a tpi.

[C]

A traumatic pussy injury.

[B]

Cause I beat that thing up. And sensually.

[C]

Thank y'. All.

[A]

Hell yeah. Welcome to Sex Offender Kill. Tony, everybody. This is a very special night.

[B]

It was consensual to.

[A]

No, I'm joking. I'm joking.

[B]

That guy scared me. I almost had to break out strength.

[C]

Don't with my homies.

[A]

That's right. Kim Congdon is the homie. I got to tell you, I love this set, Drew. And for those of you that might not know that Eddie Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio match at Halloween Havoc. Absolutely amazing. You can show it to anybody. Believe it or not, you can actually show that to your girlfriend and watch that and she will be completely mesmerized. It's a true one of the Greatest luchador matches of all time. It is for your professional wrestling. Two of the all time greats, and they're in their absolute prime at that period of their lives. Look at Michael Gonzalez agreeing. Our own little. That's right. Okay, Drew, how's life been going?

[C]

Life's been great, Tony. I just did my first sold out headlining set a couple weeks ago.

[A]

Nice. How long did you do? How long was it?

[B]

I did 45 minutes.

[A]

That's great. Amazing, Drew.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

How many people were in the audience?

[C]

There was about 120 people.

[A]

That's amazing, Drew.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Were they all there at the end of the 45 minutes?

[C]

They were.

[B]

They were having a good time.

[C]

I give a good show, Guys, don't listen to Reddit.

[B]

I fucking hate them, Tony.

[A]

I don't even know why you go on there, Drew.

[B]

No, they send shit to me on Instagram. They're real mean.

[A]

Okay, again, you don't need to, like, read these things. Have you gotten work off of your social media or anything?

[C]

Okay, so here's why I look at it. Because I've had two people come to me with suicidal thoughts in my general, and I've had to calm them down and say, hey, true life's okay.

[A]

True. That's not your responsibility, buddy.

[B]

I did appreciate it, though. You're welcome. Jerry. Jerry. Dude, it was a dark time in my life. I know.

[A]

I think if people are coming to you as a last resort for their suicidal thoughts, Drew, that it might be time to just let them do what they're gonna do. You know what I mean?

[C]

I do.

[B]

Ask if they're tabloid fans first.

[A]

Very funny, Drew. What else is going on in life? Shows, wearing awesome shirts. What else?

[C]

Yeah, my mom got me this.

[A]

We know.

[C]

Yeah, I've been just touring the road with a lot of golden ticket winners, trying to get my set better, writing a bunch of stuff. Just doing the thing that you're supposed

[B]

to do when you're a comic. Steadily improving and getting better, because that's what we're. That's what we're here for. I want to do this for the

[C]

rest of my life. So we're never gonna stop.

[A]

Drew, do you like the show Blippi?

[C]

Fuck yeah.

[A]

Tell us about Blippi. Describe to the people what Blippi's about.

[C]

I'm so excited.

[B]

Yeah. I love Blippi, man. So I don't like the new guy. Fuck that guy. Fuck him. Bring back my Blippi. I loved Blippi because it's such a.

[C]

It's like such an innocent show.

[B]

They show educational things. The guy's a personality. Like, he wears. He wears the same thing every time.

[C]

He's fucking awesome. And then they brought this new guy and I was like, what the fuck?

[B]

It turns me to fucking red. I went on the Blippi Reddit.

[A]

What is it about the new Blippi that you don't like?

[C]

He's not the same guy that's like Joe and Steve. Hold on. How do you feel about the new Jake from State Farm and why he's not black and it's Black History Month.

[A]

That fun fact. Drew Nickens is black. I'm not kidding. His father is 100% black. If you saw a picture of his father, you wouldn't believe it. I swear to God. No, he's like an albino.

[B]

In and out, dog.

[C]

My snake. But my.

[A]

Like an albino black guy.

[C]

No fucking way.

[B]

Yeah, him.

[A]

Have you done anything black this month to celebrate black history? Hell, yeah.

[C]

I went to Ross five times this week.

[A]

Oh, shit.

[B]

That's how get my toiletries a rights, brother.

[A]

Amazing.

[B]

Wait, let's see how black you are. Here's a snake. There's a snake on the goddamn plane. Pretty funny. We'll keep it in.

[A]

There you go. Jeremy really belts people with that thing. There's no, like, show biz like tossup with this guy. Still looking for a picture of his dad. That's how black he is. He can't find a picture of his father. Father. If you needed any more confirmation, let the two minutes that it took for him to find a picture. This guy's Puerto Rican at best.

[B]

There's no way, dog.

[C]

He's. He's really black. It's just light outside.

[A]

It's light outside.

[C]

This is a. This is a good photo, though.

[A]

I do like this.

[B]

That's my mom.

[C]

It's your very white mom.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay. Say it.

[B]

Hell, no.

[A]

Yeah, that's what I thought.

[B]

That's what I thought.

[A]

Drew, fun times.

[B]

Thank you so much.

[A]

We love Drew. We love Drew. Drew loves me. All right, make some noise for your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen, it's Greg Bergman, everybody. Greg Bergman.

[B]

I don't know about you guys, but I am sick to death of pedophilia. Right?

[C]

I used to sick of it.

[B]

I don't mean sick of adults having sex with children. I've never been for that. Just the way I was raised. But I'm sick of hearing about it. You know, in New York, it was. All I heard about was privilege and race, and that got annoying. Then I come to Texas and all I hear about is vaccines and pedophilia.

[A]

Vaccines, pedophilia, it's all people talk about.

[B]

Vaccines and pedophilia. If I hear about vaccines and pedophilia one more time, I'm going to take 10 booster shots and fuck a kid. You know, I'm just, I'm bored of it. So not far.

[C]

Right?

[B]

I want to see what the, you know what all this fuss is about. You know what I mean? And autism, that's another thing. What a scam. Everyone in Austin says they're autistic.

[C]

I'm autistic.

[B]

You know, you want to be. You want to be autistic.

[A]

You want to be neurodivergent. You think it makes you interesting.

[B]

Okay, you're not autistic if you're too much of a stupid little creep to look the barista in the eye, okay, You're a pot. You want autistic? That's what people like you.

[C]

I'll tell you.

[B]

Autistic or neurodivergent? Last summer during the flood, I walked around in 100 degree heat and I was afraid to use the bus card.

[A]

But the mental hospital gave me for

[B]

fear that the invisible material I thought would explode when I swiped it to the bus and blow everybody up. That, my friends, is neurodivergent. Okay? So if you want a stupid lunatic, here I am.

[A]

Alright, Greg Bergman prepared, memorized his set, went through the words in the order that he prepared it. And meanwhile, I kind of still wish the stalker was on stage. Special kind of. Special kind of planned deliverance. Oh, Greg, has anything changed since the last time you've been on the show?

[B]

Well, yes. Two things happened. This is both true.

[A]

Greg was on very recently as a penis implant.

[B]

Yes. When I left here, I was very.

[A]

I got a big joke, very happy.

[B]

A couple Australian guys saw this step. They said, go to the creek. This is true. Go to the creek in the cave.

[A]

I went to the creek in the cave.

[B]

I slipped on the ice, fell, lost

[C]

my joke book and bruised all my ribs. That's true.

[B]

At least I think it was ice. It could have been the little greasy Mexican they were dragging away.

[A]

Wow. Okay.

[B]

No, but it was true. That's a true story. We'll be right back. I thought that's one thing, dude. Oh, Dr. Pepper. Tic Tac.

[C]

No, that was.

[B]

That was true. True though.

[A]

It's destiny when God takes your big joke book from you.

[B]

I know.

[A]

That's how you know it was never meant to be.

[B]

Oh boy, Greg.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, it's just been I just gotta. I just. Anything else that you thought about since the last time you were on? That would have been good to talk about in the interview portion, but now here we are.

[B]

Oh, that's good.

[C]

I did.

[B]

I did that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

My dog died.

[A]

That's.

[B]

That's sad. That's.

[A]

That happened in the past. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Past two weeks.

[A]

True. Well, how'd your dog die? Kill itself.

[C]

It's.

[B]

It's. Or did Christy Gnomes shoot it in the face? Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, that was a suicide. Yeah. No, she died.

[A]

Yeah, she died.

[B]

It was just sad. And my grandmother died three weeks ago. But the dog died two weeks ago. Sorry, dude. I know. Hey, man. I know.

[A]

It's a party. It's a party. It's a party.

[B]

I had jokes that were good, too. I thought you wanted the.

[A]

Why didn't you do them?

[B]

Because I. I thought the first one was good. What the.

[C]

The kid that was gonna.

[A]

Here's a little joke book, Greg.

[C]

I'm gonna keep it.

[A]

Moving along.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

He said no. No.

[C]

Oh, okay.

[A]

There he goes. Greg Bergman, everybody. All right, one last bucket pool. This episode is demented. Let the record show that I'm aware that this is an insane episode. Are you guys having fun?

[C]

We.

[A]

We have the most insane fans in the world. You guys will. You guys are loyal to the soil. One last fucking pole. Make some noise for Thomas La Mountain. Thomas La Mountain.

[B]

I like having fast sex with old women. Yeah, I said I like having fast sex with old women. I call it going 90 to 70.

[A]

Yeah,

[B]

I love it. Fast sex with. I love having fat. Call my balls Werther's originals the way I like these hip replacement hussies sucking on them. You know what I'm talking about? I like having fast sex with old women. Ladies and gentlemen. Am I the only one here? Do I look the woman looks out yet?

[C]

No.

[B]

No way. I like having fast sex with old.

[C]

Oh, my gosh, folks.

[B]

You know what I hate, though? I hate having slow sex with old. With young pussy. I hate having slow sex with young pussy. What, am I running the government? No. And even if I was, I would. If I was running the government, I'd be having fast sex with old women. Folks, thank you. I've.

[A]

Thomas Mountain. Thomas La Mountain. I loved it. I almost forgot what it was like when people came up here and just did jokes. Hell, yeah, dude. Welcome, welcome.

[C]

Hey, thanks.

[A]

Is this your first time on the show?

[B]

No, I've been here before.

[A]

Okay, welcome back. Very funny. Where are you from?

[B]

I'm from Nebraska.

[A]

And how long have you been in Austin?

[B]

I've been in Austin for eight months now.

[A]

Eight months? Yeah. You've been on the show only once before.

[B]

Only once before.

[A]

What do we find out about you? What was the most compelling? What was my favorite part of that interview, you think?

[B]

Oh, well, you. You found out that, like, I used to be a male model and you made me take my shirt off. And you were. You liked it a lot.

[A]

Yeah, I did. Hell, yeah. Now I remember having flashbacks. Yeah, I love it. Hell yeah. So how's Austin been treating you? What's been going on now?

[B]

It's been pretty good, man. You know, I got a cool job now. I've been doing a lot of spots.

[C]

It's amazing.

[A]

I love it here, but that's a cool job.

[B]

I. Now I. Now I'm a. I have the greatest job of being a. I'm a bell hop for a hotel, dude.

[A]

Hell yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Amazing. Jeremy Linta.

[B]

No, I'm an awards rewards member there.

[C]

Oh.

[B]

So if that's where you bellhop, then that's what's up. Lucky rewards.

[A]

What kind of rewards?

[B]

We can't all fly on private planes, man.

[A]

What kind of rewards do you get at the La Quinta Inn?

[B]

Oh, breakfast before everybody else.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You have to wake up earlier. This is the crazy deal. That almost seems like it would be.

[B]

I thought this was a safe space. Guys are really hostile towards fun stuff.

[A]

Breakfast before everybody else.

[C]

Wake up at 4.

[B]

Breakfast is at 7. Also, I get the first dibs on clean seats. I usually get, like. I don't know, like sometimes they. They have only a certain amount of waters behind the front desk, so I get first dibs on, like, the coldest waters. They're all room temperature, man. They're all of them.

[A]

La Quinta has only room temperature. That is your mind.

[B]

Well, you're clearly not in the rewards program. So cold ass water, but so bellhop. That's cool. Do you love it?

[C]

It's a dream come true. Truly it is.

[B]

It's a dream come true. I've always wanted. My dad was a bellhop. My grandpa was a bellhop. I hope someday my son is a bellhop. Live on the legacy of hopping bells.

[A]

That's right, you know. Do you have a girlfriend, Thomas?

[B]

No, I don't. I just recently. Just recently got out of a relationship.

[A]

Oh. How'd that end? Why'd that end?

[C]

I'll.

[A]

I'll start the.

[B]

Well, commitment. Commitment issues. What's up, Matt R. What's up, dude?

[A]

Tell. Tell us about that, Thomas.

[B]

Well, funny, Funny. Ass. It just happened, like, last week. And she was like, can we have a serious talk? And I'm like, for sure. And I got there, and she's like, let's not have it right now.

[C]

I was like, all right, cool.

[B]

And so, like, I brought over, like, Legos, you know, because I'm like, let's do some Legos. A cool, like, Obi Wan Kenobi ship. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Hell right?

[B]

Hell yeah, dog. And so I started doing the Legos. And then she was like, hey, can we talk now? And I was like, yeah, man.

[C]

We're playing.

[B]

I'm doing Legos right now. But sure, you know. And so we talked, and, you know, it was like, oh, it's probably, you know, not good. We keep coming back to each other, you know, it's probably best. We're not really growing as people, you know? And it was. It was sad. Like, we. You know, but we both cry.

[A]

We both hugged each other, you know,

[B]

and at the end, she was like, oh, well, you know, I was like, well, maybe I should go. And she's like, yeah, you probably.

[C]

That's probably best if you should go.

[B]

And then I had to pick up my Legos, like, and for a second, I was like, should I just give her the leg? Should I give them. You know, they're like, no, they're my Lego. You know, I'm gonna have the. I want the Legos, you know, So I had to be like, can you get up? I think you're on a leg. You know, it was. It was. It was really embarrassing. And then I. I packed up everything, and I was like. I put on, you know, my backpack, and I was. I said bye to. And I. I took a. Like, took like, a look around the

[C]

room and being like, oh, this might

[B]

be, like, the last time I, you know, ever see this room. And then on the windowsill, I saw the Obi Wan Kenobi, like, minifig with, like, the lightsaber. And I'm like, oh, thank God I didn't forget that. Oh, my God. You know, it's his ship. I had to. It's his ship.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

It wouldn't be. It'd be weird if it. If I didn't have. Have the Obi Wan Kenobi minifigure with the light set. Yeah, it's the. Yeah. You get it?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You get it. So, yeah, that. That's. That happened.

[A]

Amazing. That's a great breakup story.

[C]

You know who be a great rebound. Kim Congdon.

[A]

It's true.

[C]

She's super available. Right. I could Put you on cond. You seem super safe.

[B]

Does she with Legos?

[C]

I'm sure she does. Almost positive.

[B]

Call her and see if she with Legos.

[A]

Did you get a big joke book last time you wrote?

[B]

I did, yes.

[A]

Perfect. There you go. You already have it. There he goes. Thomas La Mountain, everybody. And now we've arrived at the end of the episode, and we have one regular that's going to close it out. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy is an absolute sensation. Formerly the Dark Storm of Atlanta, he's now the Dark Storm of Austin. Austin, Texas. Make some fucking noise for the one and only Dedrick Flynn with a brand new minute, everybody.

[C]

Y' all. Motherfuck Frontier Airlines. Nigga, I hate them bag Nazis.

[B]

And I don't support Nazis. These niggas. If you never had the unfortunate time to go fly Waffle House Airlines, these niggas got a metal box right there.

[C]

And they say, this is a bag.

[B]

No, nigga, that's a box. And then they say, you gotta put your bag. It's gotta fit in here. And if it don't, everybody that work at Frontier get to beat your fucking ass. They do. And they only hire niggas from Waffle House. So they know how to fight individually and as a unit. And if you didn't get your ass whooped, it's' cause you paid the $300,000 it cost to not have your bag fit in there. And the only reason they get to charge 300,000 motherfucking dollars is they ask you 300,000 motherfucking times. Do you want to buy a bag? Nigga, you should buy a bag. I wouldn't fuck with us. Buy the guy, nigga. Buy. We've been waiting for a nigga not to buy a bag. We've been waiting. So I bought the bag online, and I got the bundle where you can pick your seat. How about these niggas sold me a windowless window seat. D gonna tell me to take my phone down. Cause I had it duct taped. Cause I'm claustrophobic, so I gotta look at something, son. Did Nigga had a nerve to come back there, talk about. The pilot said, you can't be selling snacks on the plane. Nigga, I gotta get this money back. I was just selling, like, little burritos and shit, trying to become an entrepreneur. You know what I'm saying? It's Black History Month. And they was like, but what about the gambling, cuz? We was shooting dice on the planes. And so I said, hey, man, you telling me the captain told you to come Say that the same. I just sold two Adderall to before we took off this. Go. Get on the intercom and go.

[C]

Yo, I ain't. I ain't going to hold you.

[B]

We might not go. That's my time.

[C]

I love y'.

[A]

All. Thank y'.

[B]

All.

[A]

The great Dedrick Flynn with another two minutes. This guy does twice the work that he has to do. Without a doubt, the best set of the night. Dedrick, you are a fucking freak of nature. How's life treating you, dude?

[C]

It's so fucking cool, dog. I get my favorite thing now is like. Cause I have other friends that are doing. Like, my boy Cam was opening up for you. Cam Bertrand?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

That's my best friend.

[B]

Yeah, we got like, five matches tattoo. Like, we've been best friends for forever.

[C]

Hey, but. All right, all right, five.

[B]

You had an opportunity to go get

[C]

a tattoo with him, and you didn't go do it. Well, it shows up on me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, yeah, I'll get a tattoo. Never sees it.

[B]

You handsome ass nigga. I don't have to. You. You. New hair. You look like Kyle from Street Fighter. I love you so much. Yeah, fuck you, man.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

How you got gold teeth and a silver chain?

[B]

Yeah, I was getting that neck.

[C]

Getting that neck.

[B]

I just got on. Dumbass. You stupid fuck.

[C]

You look so dumb right now in

[B]

front of fucking everybody. Everybody knows I gotta take it a step at a time. You're such a stupid bitch, dude. I fucking hate. And I know that shit you said about Atlanta, too. I've been waiting to run into your ass.

[A]

Good.

[C]

The airport's trash, and I'll die on that hill. Oh, my gosh. Die on that hill.

[B]

You are so mean to people, dude.

[A]

And you.

[B]

To have a face like that and be mean is.

[C]

You're just so.

[B]

That's just so up you, dude. Can I ask one question? What? That's you. I'm hot, so you get it.

[A]

Why do you have a slingshot?

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Cause that weird ass nigga was talking

[C]

about, I gotta protect Kim, so I.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Yeah. And it's a Louis Vuitton when this redneck nigga made it for me in Huntsville, Alabama.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

How long have you had a slingshot for? Yo, I got several slingshots. Let's go. I got different ones for different, you know, things. Different occasions. Yeah, I got, like, a water balloon slingshot.

[C]

I got

[B]

the motorcycle that black people ride called Slingshot. I got that shit, too. What's that called again? It's called a slingshot.

[C]

Yeah,

[A]

what do you Load into that to shoot anything. We have some Advil right here or Dr. Pepper Tic Tacs. Anybody want to get. All right, who went to.

[B]

Who went to Advil?

[A]

Yeah, let. Let's. Oh, it's. We don't know if that'll work. Quite.

[B]

This guy in the second row. Once it. That'll be dangerous and hilarious.

[A]

Make sure you loft it up for sure.

[C]

Doesn't want it.

[A]

Oh, wow. That thing's aggressive.

[B]

Shut the fuck up, dude. Oh, shut the fuck up. You're not on the goddamn show. Never in 13 and a half years

[C]

has a nigga ruined a bit. I'm sick of you.

[B]

Get his ass out of here.

[C]

The guy who looks like he's on 60 days in. Yeah, now.

[B]

Actually, you know what? Say something else.

[C]

Bitch ass nigga.

[B]

Dang said ruin. One more on my bitch. We all thought he went over there, dumbass. Fuck your glasses. He kind of looks like men in pinup. Real quick. I hate you.

[A]

Have you ever shot anybody with your. Oh, absolutely.

[B]

I just. Sometimes I just sit on the roof

[C]

at sunset and then we just.

[A]

I open up the window.

[B]

Just hit niggas on 6th street with shit.

[A]

Oh, perfect.

[C]

Try to clean up the streets, Tony.

[B]

There's some bad people out here.

[A]

You didn't have to say sunset right there, by the way.

[C]

That's where I was. Yeah.

[A]

It's the truth.

[C]

You look. Everybody looks so stupid.

[B]

Why would I lie? This is YouTube.

[C]

They're going to. They're going to know.

[A]

Dedrick, you are the absolute man. Your set was twice as much as you had to do. A brand new unbelievable. Two minutes. How about one more time for Dedric Flynn, everybody. Love y'.

[B]

All.

[A]

Matt R. Official.com get tickets. He's one of the best in the world. One more time for Matt Rife, everybody. Jeremy is representing Adam Ray tonight. Adam Ray comedy.com Jeremy's a big fan of Adam Ray. Adam is on the who is me tour. He's going to Vegas, North Carolina. South Carolina. He's going everywhere. AdamRay comedy.com for tickets this episode is brought to you by Bluechew, Talk Space and Shopify. The drawing from Ryan Je Belt is in. It is incredible. It is indeed. Jeremy and Matt Rife. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, yeah, that's Matt Rife and Rapineau with a mustache. That is a. Where he got my mustache.

[B]

Machine gun Kelly.

[A]

Shout out to the great bonsai for making these amazing joke books and so many great leather handmade goods [e-mail] which is thriving with a bunch of great merchandise out there right now. Red band. Check out the secret show every [e-mail] thank you. All right, people, we did it. We love you. Thank you. Good night. God bless this audience. God bless the United States of America. Thank you, everybody. Everybody. Bye, guys. Sam, Close your eyes. Exhale. Feel your body relax and let go of whatever you're carrying today.

[C]

Well, I'm letting go of the worry

[B]

that I wouldn't get my new contacts

[A]

in time for this class.

[C]

I got them delivered free from 1-800-contacts. Oh, my gosh, they're so fast.

[A]

And breathe. Oh, sorry. I almost couldn't breathe when I saw the discount they gave me on my first order.

[C]

Oh, sorry.

[B]

Namaste. Visit 1-800-contacts.com today to save on your first order.

[A]

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