#758 - DONNELL RAWLINGS + TREVOR WALLACE

Summary

Kill Tony #758 - DONNELL RAWLINGS + TREVOR WALLACE

Date: March 3, 2026
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, Texas
Hosts: Tony Hinchcliffe & Brian Redban
Panel: Donnell Rawlings, Trevor Wallace
Special Guests: Uncle Lazer, Multiple up-and-coming comedians

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Episode Overview

This Kill Tony episode continues the show's unfiltered tradition of live stand-up, rapid-fire interviews, and sharp panel banter. The main theme is comedic risk-taking, vulnerability through dark humor, and celebrating unique voices, all supercharged by the presence of two crowd-favorite guests: Donnell Rawlings and Trevor Wallace. The episode is rich with honest, sometimes raw, explorations of race, trauma, sexuality, relationships, and the realities of the comedy grind—all through the irreverent and boundary-pushing humor the show is known for.

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Key Segments & Insights

1. Introduction and Panel Banter (01:00 – 05:00)

• Tony welcomes an electric crowd and introduces Donnell Rawlings ("famous for the number one meltdown in Kill Tony history") and Trevor Wallace ("one of the whitest white people on planet earth") (02:40).
• Donnell, fresh off past blowups, jokes:

  "In the words of Nina Simone, it's a new day, it's a new dawn. I'm feeling good..." ([03:06])

• Both Donnell and Trevor are on tour, and Tony amps up their chemistry as panel mainstays.

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2. Uncle Lazer’s Opening Set & Roasting (05:20 – 10:40)

• Uncle Lazer opens strong with “equal opportunity” race/identity material; his punchlines target everyone, including himself—an extended riff about moving furniture is a highlight ([05:20]).
• He needles Donnell about audience representation (“Happy Black History Month!... not represented in this audience.”), and Donnell fires back with classic quips.
• Notable recurring jokes about “baby oil,” Diddy parties, and confusion around trans women (“Donnell thought it was just a thick Mexican chick... turned out to be Juanita!”).

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3. Comedian Rotations – Notable Sets & Interviews

Seth Shepherd (11:12 – 19:47)

• A deadpan, deep-voiced comic discusses being “1/8 black” and losing his virginity while drunk:

  “All it takes is a girl that believes deep enough and keeps drinking after she pukes on you.” ([11:12])

• Seth works at a dispensary, dabbles in gun building, and recounts relationship troubles, mixing sad truths with self-mockery.
• Panel roasts him for his "slave owner voice" and hillbilly roots, generating huge laughs.

Julian Casas (22:04 – 29:47)

• New, 6-month comic; jokes about Stephen Hawking with a ramp, and shares about his schizophrenic mom, living out of a travel trailer, and Ubering for work.
• Tony reassures him:

  “You have a very funny brain... there’s nothing that can stop you, Julian.” ([29:47])

• Poignant moments as Julian details pushing through adversity with humor as his guide.

Jay Legend (30:09 – 38:11)

• Door guy at the Mothership; killer set about dating a "they/them" and paying for "seven fucking people."

  "At this point, it’s us versus them, and we’re losing.” ([31:26])

• Gets real about being a single dad, coparenting with a depressive ex, and nearly being sold for crack as a baby:

  “My dad was a crack dealer, so he knew all the hot spots... he came back two hours later with me.” ([37:06])

Derek Larson (38:31 – 45:39)

• Jokes about fitting into Texas, pocket pussies, and ropes down skyscrapers as a window washer.
• Candidly shares battles with alcoholism and his journey in sobriety:

  “I was a bad drinker... half a bottle of whiskey every night.” ([43:42])

Nick Cano (45:59 – 52:40)

• Delivers a blazing one-biter set about “black hell”, other racialized afterlives, and personal traumas.
• Reveals both parents are dead; the story of his father dying during his own suicide attempt is especially raw.

  “My dad died... he woke up having a heart attack, and I was still overdosing on Xanax. Had to drive him... he died in the car.” ([49:10])

• Tony and Donnell highlight how darkness fuels his humor.

Randolph Davies (53:57 – 67:24)

• First-time comic ("55 years old") with perfect comedic beats, “road dog” tales from years touring with Counting Crows, and stories about massage mishaps and romance with pregnant women.
• Ends with a surreal, musical, slam-poetry riff (“I was driving drunk down the 405... remember what Captain Hook said in Peter Pan...”) ([65:32]).
• Tony awards him a "Golden Ticket" for a standout debut.

Pat O’Neill (68:23 – 74:45)

• A downward-spiraling but razor-sharp set: race, superheroes (“My superhero name would be Black Man”), Japanese stereotypes, and Middle East conflict:

  “Hamas really brought a knife to a space laser fight... half of them face the same way five times a day.” ([69:20])

• Tells of his cocaine habits and personal losses; panel notes his “Howie Mandel” nervous energy.
• Pat is awarded a “Golden Ticket” for his consistency and unique persona.

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4. Regular Set – Dedrick Flint (75:51 – 82:18)

• Crowd-favorite regular from Atlanta; murders with a bit about the dangers of rural Texas and being more afraid of “white guys in the woods than mountain lions.”

  “If we being honest... the scariest bears are white. Polar bears. All they do is kill, nigga.” ([77:56])

• Donnell personally commends Dedrick’s originality and authenticity.

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5. Rest of the Bucket Comics: Quick Highlights

• Vincenzo Marasio: Over-the-top set about eating “black pussy”, heavy on race and sex gags ([82:50]).
• Jerry Debo Smith: 15-year veteran, riffs on eating pussy, chitlins vs. groceries, and why he only eats black women out ([88:42]).
• Ralphie Da Bartender: Six months in, first openly queer comic of the night, motorcycle stunt double, survivor of a chaotic marriage ([95:35]).

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6. Musical Comedy Closer – Tony Scar (Golden Ticket Winner) (102:57 – 109:58)

• At just 21, brings down the house with a wild, musical bit lampooning Epstein’s Island, lampooning political figures, and weaving in dazzling wordplay:

  “If Bill Clinton comes in under four minutes, there’s four more weeks of winter. But he only comes in Asian women, or as he likes to call them, squinters.” ([102:57]) “There was a black stripper... then she was white again. I couldn’t believe she did black face. That’s racist. That’s fucked.”

• Follows with a call-and-response “FOMO” chorus, capping off the show with energy and display of future star power.

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Notable Quotes & Exchanges

• Donnell Rawlings, on Kill Tony’s wildness:

  “I always keep Donnell next to me in case he gets out of control. It’s harder to walk off the show if you’re sitting next to me.” ([02:43])

• Tony Hinchcliffe, supporting new comics:

  “There’s nothing that can stop you, Julian... Only thing that needs catching up is your delivery.” ([29:47])

• Jay Legend, on fatherhood and struggle:

  “I’m like the Jackie Robinson of baby dads.” ([36:19])

• Dedrick Flint, on rural white Texas:

  “Best case scenario, a mountain lion. Worst case, a white guy.” ([76:00])

• Panel on Nick Cano’s trauma:

  “People with two dead parents are always very funny. It’s a thing.” – Tony ([50:04])
  “If you want to make it big, you heard what to do.” – Tony, deadpan ([50:13])

• Pat O’Neill, on his unemployment:

  “I have a severance thing, so I literally cannot [work].” ([72:47])

• Tony Scar, musical closer:

  “I had FOMO… I didn’t want to go, but I didn’t want to miss the show.” ([105:59])
  “That was like putting your dad’s t-shirt on… I was like a toothpick in a Ziploc bag” (on using a Magnum condom) ([109:19])

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Standout Moments & Timestamps

• [05:20] – Uncle Lazer’s raucous opener, moving/furniture/“Magic Johnson AIDS” riff
• [11:12] – Seth Shepherd’s deadpan “slave owner voice” callback
• [30:09] – Jay Legend’s “they/them” dating story
• [36:19] – “Jackie Robinson of baby dads” line
• [45:59] – Nick Cano’s black hell bit and tragic parental loss reveal
• [53:57] – Randolph Davies (first-timer, age 55) proves a natural, awarded a Golden Ticket
• [68:23] – Pat O’Neill’s “Black Man” superhero joke and cocaine confessions
• [75:51] – Dedrick Flint’s “white guys in the woods” vs “mountain lion” bit; Donnell’s high praise
• [102:57] – Tony Scar’s musical close, wild wordplay, and satirical “Epstein’s Island” piece

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Vibe & Tone

True to Kill Tony’s DNA: raw, honest, high-velocity comedy, panel roasts, and frequent crowd eruptions. Tony directs with confidence, Donnell and Trevor sharpen each segment, and even the harshest tales (“sold for crack as a baby,” “death of parents during suicide attempt”) are spun into unexpected, cathartic humor. Diversity of voices—racial, sexual, experiential—drives the episode’s heart.

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Conclusion

If you missed this episode, you missed a quintessential, boundary-pushing Kill Tony: big laughs, hard truths, “Golden Ticket” discoveries, and the merging of pain and comedy into pure, live alchemy. Donnell Rawlings, Trevor Wallace, and the show’s cast of wildcards prove once again why no other show in standup captures this level of unpredictability and comedic risk.

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Listen for:

• Fresh faces earning panel respect and Golden Tickets
• Unfiltered discussions of depression, addiction, and family trauma—always with a punchline
• Live audience energy and iconic callbacks
• Two of the best, Donnell and Trevor, feeding off the chaos and steering killer interviews

[End of Summary]

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Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening

[B]

to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony, Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever, Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Head.

[A]

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

[B]

Yippee.

[A]

Thanks so much for Brian Redban, ladies and gentlemen. And Matt is the best damn band in all the land. How about a hand for them, huh? They've been playing music for in the live music capital of the world. This is Kill Tony, brought to you by Bluechew, Talkspace and Shopify. How we fucking feeling tonight, huh? Feels good in here. Before the show gets started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Foreign. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? You know, every single week I take the two best comedians that I could possibly find and I put them together here on this show. This week, no different. The return of two of the wildest panelists in the history of the show. How many, how many of you consider yourselves die hard Kiltonee fans? Well, you're in for a treat as I present to you two of the hardest working, most working stand up comedians in the world today and two legends of the Kiltoni panel. This is Donnell Rawlings and Trevor Wallach.

[B]

There he is,

[A]

Donnell. Trevor, Donnell, you're next to me. I always keep Donnell next to me in case he gets out of control. It's harder to walk off the show if you're sitting next to me. Donnell, famous for the number one meltdown in Kill Tony history. According to many YouTube videos, in the

[B]

words of Nina Simone, it's a new day, it's a new dawn. I'm feeling good and I want to say, I want to say happy black history month, but it's not represented in this audience. No, I got you right here, Donnell. I got you.

[A]

Trevor Wallace, one of the whitest white people on planet earth, here to celebrate three month with you. Donnell Rawlings is on tour. Get tickets@donl rawlings.com Trevor Wallace, also on tour. He's filming a special March 13th and 14th in Phoenix. And he's dropping a new special at Trevor Wallace on YouTube on April 1st. On YouTube. And hell yeah, you guys both have been on the show. You know how this show works. Donnell is a legend of this game. He is on almost every Kill Tony compilation video of they Hate Me.

[B]

I'm just doing it for the piece. And I'm so happy to announce that I did not make the Epstein files. I was at a Diddy party, but I didn't. That's a whole different baby. Or for everybody.

[A]

I'll just say that we're gonna have fun here. You guys know how it works. Over 300 comedians signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this stage. If their name gets pulled out, you know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which just rudely interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview. Anything can happen. The whole thing is improvised. God only knows. I mean, shit gets crazy here out of this bucket. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? While we go wrangle that first bucket poll of the night, we have a very, very special treat to start tonight's show. This young man is considered, much like Donnell, one of the most polarizing figures in this show's history. Very, very. We've watched him grow up until this point. Every minute seems to be better than the last. Ladies and gentlemen, you remember when he was just a nephew. Now he's an uncle. Make some noise for the great Uncle Lazer, everybody.

[B]

How we doing, Austin, y'? All all right? Okay. Happy Black History Month. They got Darnell here, they got that light skinned feller painting. And they got D Madness dressed like a butler. Unreal. What a trait. Before we get started on it, let you know. Listen, I don't care what you are, okay? It's your right as a human being. Whatever you do, don't impede on what someone else does. That's your right as a human being. Like, look, I don't care if you're gay. I don't care if you're trans. I don't even care if you're black. Your body, your choice, you know? And y' all are like, well, that black's not a choice. Well, they choose to be that loud at the movie theater, don't they? Listen, now listen here, God damn it, listen. I ain't racist to nobody. I don't want to, but there is one I do hate, okay? One motherfucker I can't stand. And that is a motherfucker with the audacity to ask me if I want to help them move furniture from one apartment complex to the other. Okay, listen, dude. The goddamn blatant disrespect. You gotta ask me to help you move a California king down two flights of stairs? Yeah, man. As soon as we get there, you might as well just fuck my wife on that mattress, all right? I'd rather have full blown fucking AIDS. All right? Like, not Magic Johnson AIDS. Quit playing basketball in the 90s. I'm talking Dallas Buyer Club's AIDS. All right? 99 cents a day AIDS. You can swat them flies off that meat. Be opening kid's face. With that being said, I gotta move on. Saturday, if anybody's got a pickup truck I can borrow, my name's Uncle Ezriel Van Graham.

[A]

Uncle Lazar has started this show. Uncle Lee. Let's check in with Donnell.

[B]

I feel attacked. Anytime a white person pronounces my name, Darnell, that's the most racist shit. It feel like I was watching a Turning Point halftime show with Kid Rock. I'll just say this. You made Charlie Kirk happy as a motherfucker, man. He's turning over in his grave. You know what I'm saying? Kid Crack Rock over here.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know it's winter when he starts wearing sleeves. For sure.

[A]

Uncle Laser, how's things going?

[B]

It's good, man. Your girl Kim Karden had a dating show the other night, and I actually won it. I won a date with Heidi.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

But I was wamboozled because she. We went out to the Betty. Right?

[A]

And.

[B]

But she just hooked me up with the biggest friend she has.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

And not like their best friends. Like, this bitch is round.

[A]

That makes sense.

[B]

Real big bear. She just went boozing me, so. That's what it sounds like. He's describing Juanita right now.

[A]

Oh, Juanita. The very famous Juanita. Juanita famously talked about how black guys don't want to. Her. Juanita is a.

[B]

She's trans.

[A]

Is a obese. Trans.

[B]

Darnell, you would bring that up. That's crazy.

[A]

But Donnell thought it was just a thick Mexican chick. And he said, hey, you know, I'd be down. And then I informed him it's basically.

[B]

That's not what the.

[A]

I said.

[B]

But then it was worse.

[A]

It was much worse than that.

[B]

This is what I said.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He did a song, buddy, you're a boy. And then I said. I said, in behalf of.

[A]

I'm speaking on behalf of the Black community.

[B]

I said, this is a song we want to say. We will. We will fuck you. And then I looked, and I didn't really recognize because I know women in the Midwest look just like.

[A]

Women in the Midwest do look like trans linebackers.

[B]

Yeah. And then my DMs was flooded with guys named Tanya.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

I don't know. That was a guy. We figured that part out. Okay. But, you know. But, you know, it's. That's. It's a new day. It's a new dawning. Shout out to Juanita.

[A]

Yeah, we love Juanita. You take her to the Diddy party, did you?

[B]

That's what you did there. No comment.

[A]

Takes a lot of baby oil to get that thing ready to go, I gotta tell you that.

[B]

A drum of baby Crisco or something, too. I feel so insecure. I'm a black man that can't use baby oil because of Diddy right now.

[A]

What are you using?

[B]

If you want to really be test your sexuality, Whatever. You go to a CVS and put eight bottles of baby oil on the counter and see how the fuck they look at you.

[A]

Do they? But they have to unlock the thing for you right when you do.

[B]

The new Darnell is not going to respond to that.

[A]

Uncle Laser. So what did you end up doing with the big girl that Heidi hooked you up with? You know? Yeah, we know. We know that. You know how to.

[B]

CVS got me eight bottles of baby oil. You know, let's just found the wet spot.

[A]

Let's just say you move that furniture around, huh?

[B]

Yeah, I helped. I help. It's a team lift. I love it.

[A]

Well, Laser, great way to get the show started tonight. Came out with the bang. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen, Laser, everybody. We go to the Bucket, everyone. And now to the Bucket we go. Your first bucket bowl. We're going to meet them all together. This is obviously the part of the show where anything can happen. Make some noise for Seth shepherd, everybody.

[B]

Howdy, y'. All. I found out recently I'm 18 black. It's our month now. Now, this doesn't mean that I can say any of the fun words, but I sure have been thinking about it. I lost my virginity with a soft dick. Y' all might be thinking, wow, that's gotta take a hog to work, right? You'd be wrong. All it takes is a girl that believes deep enough and keeps drinking after she pukes on you. I was 17, she was 22. She knew what she wanted. Between me and whiskey, though, we figured it out. It's all right. All right. I wish they got a bigger pop, but thank y' all so much.

[A]

Seth shepherd, welcome to the show. Seth.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

I love your accent. I haven't heard it since you did the narration on the Big Lebowski.

[B]

Yes, sir. Last time I was on, you said the same thing. Yes, sir.

[A]

Really? You've been on before?

[B]

About a year and a half ago, yeah. It was my maybe eighth time on stage. I've been doing comedy about 16, 18 months now.

[A]

Nice. This is your eighth time on stage?

[B]

No, last time I was on. Yes, sir.

[A]

Yeah. You have an unbelievable voice. Thank you both. Your voice and your jokes could talk us all to sleep. Without a doubt. So what's been going on, Seth? Tell us about your life. What are you doing for work right now?

[B]

I work at a dispensary, which is pretty funny because I don't smoke weed, but I went to a jack.

[A]

You vote for it to be illegal every time it's on the ballot. Not my type of thing at all. I'm a simple man. I make my eggs and bacon, put on my camouflage hat, and get to writing the jokes. The squawking eagle of America is what keeps us safe. And I'm a consider myself a true patriot.

[B]

Yes, sir.

[A]

When I'm not making myself breakfast or feeding my dogs, I'm invading the Capitol, oiling up my guns, and just doing what's right for the country.

[B]

Yes, sir. I do support the weeds. I just. I feel like I'm 29. I'm too old to be so scared. It's. I quit smoking because I went on stage after smoking. I was like, God, dog. Why do you all hate me? What's going on? I was so scared because those jokes are trash. Don't think too deep in a. Smoke a joint, too. Smoke crack. What's up, man? Anybody got some heroin in this? Oh, my God. I know this is a platform to support people, but kill yourself? It's over, son. Thank you. You look like you starting a cuckhole video, man.

[A]

I don't know why that colored fella talked to me like that that night. He was disrespectful as hell.

[B]

Here's my wife, and it's her birthday. Make her feel good. He just looks like the guys that that video I always click on.

[A]

Oh, you. You've seen those videos, huh?

[B]

I was part of those videos.

[A]

So, Seth, you. We work at a weed dispensary. What are you doing for fun? What does a guy like Seth do for fun? You look like a man of Many hobbies.

[B]

I like building guns.

[A]

Straight out of my impression of him,

[B]

he said, building guns.

[A]

Building guns.

[B]

Oh, I'm sorry about everything I said about.

[A]

He's also sorry for disrespecting your art form and holding them sideways every time he gets a chance.

[B]

That's. Whenever I first moved down here, I was actually. I called the Mothership, and I said, hey, y', all, I usually got a gun on my hip. Y' all got pistol check. And they're like, what? I was like, if I got a gun on my hip, y' all got somebody I can get my gun to? And they said, no. And I was like, all right. I thought this was Texas. I'm sorry.

[A]

There's only one person that the Mothership allows to have a gun in this place, and that person is D. Madness, ladies and gentlemen. Look out.

[B]

Well, he's not doing a good job. Because if he built guns, you should have took the opportunity to shoot yourself before you came through. Kill two birds with one stone. Yes, sir. I love it.

[A]

Seth, what's your love life like?

[B]

It's doing all right. I actually just this past week, kind of broke up with a lady because she was sending me all kinds of weird, kind of suicidal. And I'm like, I got. Sell her a gun.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I was like, man, I got maybe six and a half good inches of dick and 15 pumps if I'm lucky. I don't know why you about to kill yourself over that. Leave me alone.

[A]

Yeah. Look at that. Six and a half, huh?

[B]

We're doing all right. Yeah.

[A]

How much bad dick do you have?

[B]

I'll be honest, Tony.

[A]

The base is so thick, it doesn't

[B]

go in little tree stump down there.

[A]

Seth, this is incredible. So she was suicidal, so you broke up with her? What a. What an unbelievable boyfriend. Man of the year, everybody.

[B]

Give her a better help read or something. Dude, I avoided her for a few days, and she's like, I'm going in the dark end. I'm like, oh, I'm the dark end?

[A]

Yeah. Amazing, man.

[B]

So, yep, I've learned my lesson. Crazy is the. But it ain't worth it. At the end of the day, that's. You need somebody who can cook you some eggs. Hang out and be a good woman. Hey.

[A]

It's unbelievable. This guy. I mean, unbelievable. Seth, what else do you do for fun? Give us another hobby before I get you out of here.

[B]

I like to go fishing. I ain't been fishing since I moved down.

[A]

He already knew that. Give us another. Give us another one.

[B]

See, I walk around 6th street and just look at the homeless people. It's kind of funny. I feel like you're not a comic in Austin unless you piss in an alley and just taking a look at all the turds back here, what's going on. It just. It's a.

[A]

There is a lot of turds back there.

[B]

It's a lot.

[A]

For those of you that just listened to the show from far away, let me tell you, right behind us, literally behind us. About 15ft behind us, there's turds.

[B]

There's a lot. Yeah.

[A]

Crazy. Okay.

[B]

Red band this.

[A]

Red bands one fart sound effect per episode.

[B]

Trevor, do you think you look any homeless at all? Oh, yeah, I'm sure I do. You look like Luke. No comb. All right. Yes, sir.

[A]

Seth Shepherd. What's your family like? Are they real billy goats, too?

[B]

Yeah. I come from a long line of prejudiced people. Hell, yeah, they're great. But I remember whenever I was on the show last, Cam Patterson followed me up and he. He said he's got a good slave owner voice. Yeah. And for the next two months, every time I called my dad, he's like, what's up? Slave owner voice. I'm like, you can't. No, it's his. You can't say that.

[A]

That's. I can't imagine what your dad's voice is like.

[B]

Oh, it's great. That's. He. Honestly, I have a deeper voice than any I used smoke three packs a day, so this ain't all natural, I guess.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Newports Marboro Reds.

[A]

I thought you were 1 8, black. Sorry.

[B]

Fair point. Somebody did leave schools. Somebody did leave a pack of Newport menthols at Creek last night, And I smoked everyone. I don't know whose they were, but that was mine now. Hate that for you real quick before

[A]

I let you out of here. This soft dick, she puked seven. You were 17. She was 22. How did that end up happening?

[B]

It was my sister's friend. We got drunk. I was at her house. I fucked her on her couch. Your sister? My sister's friend.

[A]

You have a voice like. You would lose your virginity to your sister.

[B]

You ain't wrong. You ain't wrong. Yeah. No disrespect to West Virginia. Kentucky. Yes, sir. Yeah.

[A]

Amazing. And why was your dick soft? Because you were drunk, too.

[B]

I had a fifth of whiskey. I was. We figured it out eventually, but it's. I have an innate tolerance to whiskey. It don't make any sense. It's. I get free drinks at some of the clubs around here, and the other two weeks ago, I had a full maybe 750. I don't even know. But I've never had a hangover, so I'm not learning lessons. I wish I could. The only hangover I've ever had was from Tequila.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah. That's not interesting at all. I'm sorry.

[A]

Yeah, no, I love it. It's good when the people watching the show actually fall asleep watching it because that means that we get the entire view that just stays on and then it rolls and then they have to watch it again. So we get two views by having someone on like you early on in the episode. I'm a businessman on top of a host and a comedian and a roaster, so. All right, you're leaving here with a 18 normal size black joke book. There you go. There you go. Seth Shepard, everybody. On to the next one we go. There goes Seth. There goes Seth, everybody.

[B]

Buddy.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. Look who it is, everyone. The lovely Heidi, everybody. Live in the flesh. Go to heidy regina.com check out our podcast, Love on the Line. Also check out the Kill Tony band on YouTube. They have a new show find you part two. Or they have a new song. They do songs. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. You know, when we started this thing, it seemed like we had to figure it all out on our own. Everybody said, who's going to want to buy tickets to an open mic that they could possibly watch on YouTube for free? Filming, schedule, logos, it was all overwhelming. And then one day we introduced a new decision that needed an answer. When you're starting off with something new, it seems like your to do list keeps growing every day with new tasks. And that list can easily begin to overrun your life. Finding the right tool that not only helps you out, but simplifies everything can be such a game changer for millions of businesses. That tool is Shopify Redband Tony.

[B]

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[B]

So I don't think Stephen Hawking fucked any kids because how. There's only one thing he could have done, only one thing that makes any sense.

[A]

He lined them up on the ground,

[B]

put a ramp on either side and turned his chair up to full speed. And he has the science to make it happen. I could just imagine his tires creating fire tracks. And I'm pretty sure that's how his face got that way. It's just the wind resistance, you know what I mean? He's just like, All right, that's my set.

[A]

Julian Casas. Welcome, Julian. Is this your first time on the show?

[B]

First time.

[A]

I love it. Welcome. How long you been doing standup?

[B]

Six months.

[A]

Six months. Very good. Amazing premise and execution. The delivery felt organic. It felt like you're new, but it was good.

[B]

Yes. Thank you.

[A]

Created mystery, kept us on the edge of our seats, much like Stephen Hawking. So six months in the game. How old are you?

[B]

30.

[A]

30. What made you want to start? Six months ago, I was thinking about

[B]

what I wanted to do with my life because I was working at Amazon. I was just tired of it.

[A]

And.

[B]

And I said, you know, what kind of life do I want to live? And I was like, do I want to be a rock star? Do I want to?

[A]

Hell, yeah. I like the optimism.

[B]

If. If I could put eight to ten hours a day into one of those things. I said comedy, I think, is the one thing that I could see myself working really hard on.

[A]

What came in second place to stand up comedy? Being a rock star. Were you about to go buy. Were you going to. Gonna go to guitar center or something like that and buy a guitar? Like, what was what?

[B]

I think. I don't think there was no second place. It kind of just comedy was like, the only thing I could see myself doing long term and working really hard on.

[A]

For what ethnicity are you Mexican? 100%.

[B]

Both my parents, but I did a DNA test. It's like 35% native Mexican. Okay, how much percentage you need to have to have an actual official ice rate in here?

[A]

Is it like 35%? All right, get it. They're on the way. Very cool. So what do your parents Do Mom's stay at home. Mom, what does dad do? Am I right?

[B]

Mom's on disability.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

And dad's forklift driver.

[A]

Yeah. Perfect.

[B]

That's a direct makeup of Stephen Hawking right there, actually.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. What kind of disability does your mom have?

[B]

I knew you was going to. Schizophrenic.

[A]

Oh, schizophrenic, yes. Is that. That affected you a lot as a kid, I bet.

[B]

Honestly, she's. She's. It's very like low key. She. She has voices in her head, but she handles it well. So she's not.

[A]

Do the voices speak Spanish?

[B]

I never thought to ask. Do the voices know anything Bad Bunny was saying at the super bowl halftime show? I'm just curious. Can your mother translate the halftime. I just. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I don't know what happened. I was watching the T pack halftime show, so. No, I'm kidding.

[B]

I would have to ask her.

[A]

No, it's good. But nothing too nuts that she's ever done any big break meltdowns like Donnell did a few episodes ago?

[B]

No, she's. Her, like, if. If she has like an episode is just really small, her handling it herself.

[A]

Is it an episode or it's novella? What do you call it exactly?

[B]

It's more like. It's more like she's talking to herself and I'm like, what's going on?

[A]

Right. That makes sense. Dad's cool. You and dad are close.

[B]

Me and dad are close.

[A]

Like, what is he think of? Go ahead.

[B]

My parents got separated when I was like in second grade, but he lives in the same town and I see him like pretty often. But which part side of your mother did he separate from?

[A]

That's a good question.

[B]

Yeah, her main personality, I think. But supposedly. Supposedly it changed over time, so who knows?

[A]

Does she live by herself now or does she have another man?

[B]

No, she lives by herself for like the last, like maybe like 20 something years. Okay, but in her head, she lives with a group of people, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Well, she took us with her too. So there's like a whole.

[A]

You. You're. You still live with Mom?

[B]

Not anymore.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

I moved to Austin, actually.

[A]

You live by yourself?

[B]

I live by myself.

[A]

Nice. How are you able to afford that apartment now that you do? You still work at Amazon.

[B]

So I was working at Amazon in California and then I just. I said, you know what I mean? I looked up the cost of living in Austin and I said, you know what? I could pull out my savings, go to Austin, find a job, and then last for like as long As I need to last and then until like, my comedy skills grow.

[A]

And let me ask you this. How much money did you have saved up?

[B]

About 14,000.

[A]

Very good. What's your rent a month?

[B]

Like 500. 575.75. I. I live in a travel trailer. I don't live in. I don't live in a beautiful. You ever see Uncle Laser out there? Hey, Julian. Me. Move this couch over here. Come on, buddy. Come on, give me a hand. Same with him three times. Let's go.

[A]

Wow, Julian. You have any hobbies or anything like that?

[B]

Sometimes I write things other than comedy. Like, I. I like to write poetry sometimes, too. And then draw.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

And what else?

[A]

Anything wild and fun.

[B]

It seemed like he would be a good eulogy writer. Yeah, you know, I have. I made. I made a couple friends here that. And at least one of them, you know, gets me out of the house. You know, make sure that I'm not, like, stuck at home.

[A]

You seem like the kind of guy that could drink tequila all day, have no hangover.

[B]

I don't.

[A]

And if you had whiskey at all, you'd be tremendously hungover. Reverse of the last guy.

[B]

I don't get hungover. Whiskey does make me emotional, though.

[A]

Oh. What kind of stuff happens to you if you drink whiskey? Whiskey.

[B]

I started thinking about my life too much. Ah, poetry.

[A]

Are you going to get a job, though? Are you looking for a job? Just interrupt yourself. Poetry gets emotional.

[B]

That's when I'm ubering now.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Okay. Ubereats or just regular uber with humans?

[B]

Regular Uber. I like it better when the package gets in and out on its own.

[A]

Nice. I love it. Brilliant. Like I said about the Stephen Hawking thing, you have a. You have a very funny brain. I think you're just gonna keep getting better. There's. There's. I don't think there's anything that can stop you, Julian. I see it. I've been doing this way too long. I know what it's like when someone has a premise, and the only thing that needs catching up is their delivery. And that's where you are right now. It's incredible. Sign up again. Here's a big joke book.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Boom.

[B]

There you go.

[A]

It happens. All right. Your next comedian works here. You know him. He became famous for talking about bags and boxes. This is a brand new minute from Jay Legend, everybody.

[B]

Hell yeah, I'm dating. I had a Went on a date with a white woman. It's important that I say that part for the story. And as I was getting to know her. She was telling me how she was into gender pronouns and how she identified as a they them, which is a crazy sentence to hear. But I'm a super chill guy. I didn't overreact. I'm like, if that's how you choose to live your life, I'll call you what you want to be called. But I did let her know. I did let them know before we go out, I can only afford to pay for me and you. And if that's gonna be a problem, we shouldn't do this. Cause they could come. Just make sure they bring money for real. Because if they order anything off of this menu, they gonna pay for the shit, gratuity and all. Not gonna be stuck with the bill for seven fucking people. Cause you don't know who you want to be in life. That's not my responsibility, and I refuse to deal with it. The part that pissed me off the most was they got up when it was time to order. So now I look like a dumbass at the table. Because the waiter take the order. He like, sir, what would you, like, put my order in with confidence. Then he was like, what about your guests? I'm like, I don't know what they want. He said, they? You expecting more people? I was like, no, it's just one them. He said, one of them. I said, yes, nigga, one of them. I don't know what the fuck I just said. I'm confused, too. How about you help me figure this shit out for real? Because at this point, it's us versus them, and we're losing y'. All.

[A]

Jay legend, very strong set. Welcome back, Jay.

[B]

Appreciate y'. All. Tony, can I say something?

[A]

Oh, absolutely.

[B]

This is probably in the mind of everybody in this panel. You can't say. I just want to say, my nigga, my nigga.

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[B]

Appreciate it. Not just because it's Black History Month. Just because you're black. That was it.

[A]

That's it. ICE was on their way. Now we're calling the police.

[B]

Everybody, they already here.

[A]

Yes, there he is, watching with a watchful eye over there, keeping an eye on everything. Jay, how's life going, man?

[B]

It's going good, man. I'm just working here all the time, making sure y' all shares is in order. Before y' all get in here taking out the trash. When y' all leave, all y' all Zen's on the fucking floor. Stop that shit.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

Y' all laughing.

[A]

That's true. Somebody's gotta do it. One of the great door Guys of the mothership. Jay, what's your personal life like? What are you doing out there? You live by yourself?

[B]

No. So I have a house full. So I got a baby. My mom not with. She live with me. And I got my two kids, and that's why she there.

[A]

So you're not with the baby mama, but she lives with you?

[B]

Yeah, I pay every. All the bills and shit. And she there. Cause I come out and work nights. So I need somebody to take care of the kids. So she useful.

[A]

You have two kids with her?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Same baby mom? Before you ask, yes.

[A]

But you don't. That was my next question. But you don't hook up with her at all after?

[B]

No. Oh, that's total toxic. No. Hell no. I'm scared. I'm scared. Cause if another kid happened, I'm like, jump off of something. But you pay all the bills. Yeah. Do you ever look at her and go, I am the captain now. I should. Maybe that should have worked more Arnold than anything. That was horrible. I'm sorry. No, that's perfect.

[A]

When you say it's a toxic relationship, can you give us some examples of what you mean exactly?

[B]

Okay, so she got this super depressive personality where she can't be happy about shit in life. And we know good gun, guys. Somebody said, oh, yeah, I already bought one. It's on the way. Yeah, but I try to make things happy. Cause I'm a comedian. I like laughing and shit. And she be like, no, I'm cool with being depressed. And that could make for a toxic household. Especially when you pay all the bills and you expect somebody to be happy with that. And she comes and be like, you know, you left the lights on. Well, bitch, I paid the bills in here. I get to. I fucking leave all the. Now you gonna sleep in the light. How about that? You're damn right.

[A]

You're damn right. So you don't ever get to hook up with chicks, huh?

[B]

At their places. Yeah. You can't come to my house. There's too much going on in here.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Can you imagine that happening?

[A]

How old are the kids?

[B]

Four and one. My son's four. My daughter's one. He got autism. That's pretty cool.

[A]

Oh, damn.

[B]

Yeah, don't. What did y'. All. It's cool as fuck. He don't talk a lot, so his house is quieter. Gotta think about the positives, dumbass.

[A]

I love it. I love it. I wish more of you were autistic.

[B]

I got a question. What was the demise of your relationship with your baby mom? What was the demise? It always was the depressive shit. I thought it would get better. Like, I was the type of guy was like, I don't want to just walk out. This is what my dad did. We can't do the repeat shit. So I was like, let's stick around and see if it work out. And if I could, like, try to talk greatness into her. And then after a while, I'm like, now I'm talking to a wall. And you kind of just be like, all right, we not gonna figure this out. So we just go our separate ways.

[A]

Now, was she the one that famously left you with bags and boxes?

[B]

Bags and boxes? Yep, she was the one. I wrote a song for her. That was how motherfucker much I tried.

[A]

We remember the legendary song. But then you moved back in.

[B]

No, she moved in with me. Oh, she lived with me. I want people to get that shit straight too. Cause I ain't want to get it wrong. She lived with me. They be like, you live with your baby? No, she lived with me. I'm not one of them sleep couch, sleeping baby daddies. I'm handling.

[A]

It's amazing that you are trying so hard to be a good father.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Incredible. It's like when you see like an Asian basketball player or something. Like, it's the opposite of the stereotype. Like, how did that Asian do that? We know that Asians are good at, like ping pong or like, you guys

[B]

are good at walking out, breaking down barriers every day.

[A]

It's incredible.

[B]

I'm like the Jackie Robinson of baby dads.

[A]

Yep. Yep.

[B]

Every black person is a Jackie Robinson debate.

[A]

Jackie Robinson was the Jackie Robinson Jay. Anything else crazy in life going on?

[B]

I mean, not crazy. I got some passion, you know? Like the blackest shit about me is I was almost sold for crack as a baby. That was insane. Yeah. I had 17 year old parents and they left me with my crackhead grandma, and then they came back from working at Burger King, and my mom was like, where's my baby? And trying to get that answer from a crackhead is pretty hard. And my dad was a crack dealer, so he knew all the hot spots. So he was like, you chill out and I'm gonna go find him. He came back like two hours later with me. That's a crazy fucking.

[A]

That is a crazy story.

[B]

I could have been with a better family. How much did they try to sell you for? I don't know, but I think it was like two dime bags or whatever, which back then, that's. I was born in the 90s. So I feel like with inflation, that would be like, an eight ball, which is a lot of money.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

So I was an expensive ass, baby. This nigga proud. He's like, good job.

[A]

Incredible. Jay, you are very charismatic. Did you happen to hear any weird noises while you were up here? Did you notice anything?

[B]

Yeah, I don't give a fuck. See, I like the fucking fire detector. I don't change the batteries on purpose. It's like white noise for me. It's like a little instrumental waiting to happen. It's a metronome for you.

[A]

Funny that it's white noise to you because it's a black noise to us. Jay, you already have a big joke book, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is it filled up?

[B]

Yeah, it's filled up.

[A]

Okay, here's another one. Jay Legend getting the black one.

[B]

Hell, yeah.

[A]

Little black baby joke book J. Legend. Everybody on to the next one. We're flying through it tonight. Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Derek Larson. Everyone makes the most for Derek Larson.

[B]

Hey, what's up, guys? I'm not from Texas. When I first moved here, I thought I was gonna have to learn, like, the Texas lingo, right? So I started saying things like howdy, I reckon, and yee haw after somebody would say the N word. Yeah. I learned pretty quick that's not how people talk in Austin at all. No. People here, they say things like woke and progressive, and if you live here long enough, you'll say the same kind of stuff, too. Like, the other day, this person walks by, and I turn to my buddy, I go, damn, dude. Check out the ass on that. They them a little about me. I have a pocket pussy. Yeah. I'll be honest with you guys, after I use it a couple times, starts to taste kind of weird. Yeah. But, hey, a chef should never fear his own recipe. Am I right, fellas?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

My pocket pussy is also brown. So, you know, when I'm using it, I'm yelling, e haul. All right. Yeah, cool. I hooked up with this big girl recently. Talk about a heavy sleeper.

[A]

All right, thank you, Derek Larson. All right. Is this your first time on the show, Derek?

[B]

Yes, sir.

[A]

Welcome, welcome. How long you been with standup?

[B]

Like, seven years, on and off. Okay. Yeah. Damn.

[A]

When did you move here?

[B]

Three years ago. Three?

[A]

Where you come from?

[B]

Wichita, Kansas.

[A]

Witchita, Kansas.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Matt doesn't say anything ever.

[A]

Yeah. Speaks once every two months. I said, witchita. He said, where did you go? Where did you come from? Cotton? I. Joe, again, autism is spreading. Through the United States of America. It is an epidemic. Derek. Wichita, Kansas and what do you do for work?

[B]

I am a rope access technician. So I like, clean the high rises and stuff on ropes. Like. Like cleaning windows, maintenance, whatever, but on ropes.

[A]

Very nice. What's the highest you've ever been on a building? Ballpark on the one on the rainy.

[B]

It's one of the rainy new buildings. It's like 45 stories and it has an overhang, which is. It was scary. You ever thought about it, I gotta go to work tomorrow? Yes. No, I'm good.

[A]

No.

[B]

Tell us about this pocket pussy. True or no? Do you eat it like a gogurt? How'd you do it? Just slurp it all the way up. You gotta make it work, you know? No, right.

[A]

Let me ask you this. When you're out there cleaning windows, you know, I can tell you Redband can tell you a lot of stuff goes down. And you never know when you people are coming. What's the craziest thing you've ever seen inside of one of these crazy windows?

[B]

Oh, man, it's so fun. Everybody has such great stories. Mine are. It's kind of gay. Perfect. Just went gay just now. I don't know what happened. It wasn't fun, man. It was so, like, you drop and, like, of course they don't know we're coming. I dropped on this window, and I swear to God, this dude was just jerking off on his couch. And, like, he looked at me and made eye contact and, like, kept going. I swear to God, I would have nutted on the window and be like, clean that.

[A]

We don't think you could see us. I think that's the main thing. Like. Like, I always think they. You can't see because of the reflections and shit.

[B]

We act. We tried to, like, make it seem like we don't see what's going on. That was his day. He was like, boy, if a window washer come down here, it's gonna be Hee Haw.

[A]

No doubt about it.

[B]

Yeah, it was. Yeah, it was so weird. It was a weird situation. And I gotta finish the. I can't just drop down. Just dropped down. You enjoyed this. Yeah, it was new. Yeah.

[A]

You could Mission Impossible that. Go a little bit, go a little lower, but you chose to stay there. You know what I would have done? You know me, I would have stared right at the guy, started jerking off myself, but I would have taken my rappel rope and wrapped it once around my neck, like, really just really gotten into it, you know what I mean? I'm into crazy. There's a certain level of success where you hit where you can't just come like a normal person anymore. I have to absolutely be getting choked out by something.

[B]

What is that called? Pseudo something. Right. What is it called? What is it?

[A]

I. I call it pulling a David Carradine.

[B]

What is it called? That's a freak. Anybody can pronounce that as a freaky.

[A]

Yeah. Autoerotic as asphyxiation. Michael Gonzalez, our resident kink. Okay, so, Derek, give us a crazy fun fact about your life. Wichita, Kansas. You got some hillbilly parents?

[B]

No, my parents are pretty cool. I was a pretty bad drinker. Well, I've had a drinking problem for, like, seven years, and recently I, like, stopped finally.

[A]

What made you stop?

[B]

My parents came and visited and I was like, what, you guys know where I live? No, no, it wasn't like that. It was like a very heart to heart.

[A]

Like, how bad was it? Were you drinking during the day?

[B]

Yeah, basically every night drinking about half a bottle of whiskey.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah. And it got pretty bad to where it was every night. But I wouldn't do it, like, during work or anything, obviously. But I would wake up still drunk and be like, this is horrible. But. And then seven years later, I'm like, I'm gonna do something about it.

[A]

Yeah. Awesome. How old are you again?

[B]

I'm 31.

[A]

31.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Perfect. Yeah.

[B]

Black.

[A]

There you go. There's still time. Red band. Say you just get a bigger bottle of whiskey.

[B]

Get one of those big Costco jugs. Well, I had, like a legit where I would buy the small bottle because I'm a. I like drinking out of the bottle. And then I'd fill it up with a big bottle. So I'd like buy the big bottle and just keep refilling the small bottles.

[A]

Oh, yeah, you had a problem.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, I didn't think it was a problem because I would just stay home and drink. So I'm like, I'm not hurting anybody, but it turns out I hurt myself.

[A]

Amazing. Worst night of drinking you ever had. Would you ever hit a bo before? You kept going.

[B]

I. One time I got drunk and I took my. Obviously in Kansas, it gets cold and it snows. I didn't realize that when people made snowmen, like, after a couple days, it turns into pure ice. Me and my buddy got drunk one night and we just plow through snowmen, through people's yards in my car. Yeah. It fucked my car up.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

And now we were so drunk, we were like, this is so fun. And then the next day I'm like, oh, my God, my dad's gonna beat the shit out of me. Wow.

[A]

Incredible. Incredible. What's your love life like, Derek?

[B]

Non existent. I haven't had a girlfriend in a long time.

[A]

Have you kissed a girl since you moved to Austin?

[B]

Yeah, I moved here three years ago, so.

[A]

Oh, perfect.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, yeah, you gotta snag one every now and again, you know, get em on 6th street while they're.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Incomprehensible. I don't know. I'm sorry I didn't get him with your rope. Come here, bitch.

[A]

I love it. Well, Derek, fun times. Here's a joke book. How about a hand for Derek Larson, everybody?

[B]

Thank you so much, man.

[A]

All right, we're flying through it tonight. Here's your next bucketball. You guys having fun out there? All right, make some noise for your next one. It's Nick Cano, everybody. Nick Cano is next on Kill. Tony.

[B]

I was talking to my black friend the other day on the phone and he was ignoring me. It was really pissing me off. So I was like, you know what, man? Fuck you. Go to hell. You know what? Go to black hell. That got his attention. Yeah, he turned around real quick. Yo, black hell is crazy, bro. Is it? You guys think hell's not segregated? It's run by the fucking devil. Like the most evil guy of all time. What do you think black hell would be like? Just more every day, finding out you are the father forever? Baby's name is Smoke detector. Always needs batteries. You know, there's gay hell. There's two levels of gay hell. There's top and bottom hell. Yeah. Not homophobic. I just hate people that love to gossip. Japanese hell would just be Vietnamese heaven. I don't know. I think Mexican Hills actually froze over right now because of all the ice. I'm just really glad I don't have to go to Indian Hill. Can you imagine how bad that place fucking smells? Holy shit. Thank you so much, guys.

[A]

Fuck yeah. Nick, Canno. Sticking with one bit for a full minute. Great stuff, man. How long you been on stand up?

[B]

A year and a half.

[A]

Year and a half. All of it in Austin.

[B]

Fort Worth.

[A]

Okay. That's where you live now?

[B]

Yes, sir.

[A]

Awesome. What do you do for work?

[B]

I work at Big Laugh, Big Life Comedy Club in Fort Worth.

[A]

Okay, perfect.

[B]

I actually feel like I'm in Black Hill listening to these jokes. Oh, my God. I'm in black Hell in Black History Month. What the fuck am I doing? You didn't have to start with black. Hell, you could have ended. You should have closed with Black Hill. I should have, but I feel like that would be more disrespectful. It is black History month, you know, put in front of the front of the joke instead of the back of the buses, you know? There you go.

[A]

There it is.

[B]

That was a good tee up. That was funny. Now I'm in black heaven right now. That was a funny joke.

[A]

Nick, tell us more about your life. What ethnicity are you? You look like you could be everything.

[B]

I've been told I look ambiguous and I hate it. I'm 100% Mexican. You look like a big mouth character for sure. I fucking wish going on with you, buddy. I fucking wish I'd probably get pussy.

[A]

Wow. So you're 100% Mexican.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What are your parents like?

[B]

They are dead. Wow.

[A]

How did they die?

[B]

My mom had like a fucking brain aneurysm.

[A]

How did your dad die?

[B]

My dad died. Funny story, guys. I tried to kill myself one time and my dad misses dialysis. So one day he woke up having a heart attack and I was still overdosing or like high on Xanax, so I had to drive him like 120 miles an hour to like 30 minute away. Hospital took the wrong turn and he died in the car. Wow.

[A]

That's one of the most amazing answers to a question I've ever gotten on the show. So how long ago did that happen?

[B]

That was in 2018.

[A]

2018? Yes. So I'd imagine you felt a lot of guilt.

[B]

Oh, yeah. It definitely didn't help at all that I was high the whole time, you know? You know how annoying it is to be woken up at all by your parents. Imagine being like, stoned, high off of Xanax, and your dad's like, I'm having a heart attack. What the are you talking about? Dude, I was freaking out. I hated it, so I just delved into it more and went to jail and.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I think his hell is a lot worse than black hell. Yeah,

[A]

that's.

[B]

How is a. That's why I go to church now. Yeah.

[A]

Do you go to church now?

[B]

No.

[A]

That's a lie.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

You're a funny guy, Nick.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

That's what it takes. It takes a lot of darkness. People with two dead parents are always very funny. It's a thing. I agree.

[B]

Yeah. Everybody should kill their parents.

[A]

There you go. There you go. If you want to make it big, you heard what to do. That's right. Amazing. What else? What other trauma do you have in life because you said your parents were dead. Like it was nothing.

[B]

I actually do this show called trauma dumping because there's a bunch of bullshit. This girl one time, I took her to go see Sam Talon and Hyenas and she threw up all over me and told me she was cheating on me.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And then said. I asked her why and she goes, I just find them more attractive than you in every way possible. So I lost like £100. And yeah, started being really mean to girls.

[A]

You started being really mean to girls?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh my God. In what way? Tell us about that.

[B]

Like, I don't know. Apparently you're not supposed to hook up with comics, cuz it makes things really weird. Like, speak for yourself. You make anything really weird. Yeah, dude. Touche. Wait, do you know what to say? Means don't know. I do. Okay.

[A]

Okay, cool. Cool.

[B]

Okay, cool. I'm just. You know what? I've been nice. As I just learned backstage. Yo, if you kill yourself tonight, I wouldn't give a. I wouldn't give a either, bro. In fact, the guy that had a gun, I'm going to tell him to bring it back so you can shoot yourself right in the temple. I'll send you a letter of what hell I end up in. Yeah, okay. God damn it. I love you, D. Yeah.

[A]

Amazing. Nick, before I let you go. What?

[B]

No, let him go. Let him get the fuck out of here, man. I love him. There's some rope on the balcony. Just fucking. This will be the first time I walk before you do, man.

[A]

Hey, Nick.

[B]

I do what I do. Listen, look how much better I make this garbage ass comedian. Now he's got his rhythm, it's dark, we're having fun. And I appreciate that. And what I found for that. It feels like you need to be pushed in a corner to really be funny. You are coming from a dark place. And I think it's something to be said to have as much tragedy as you had in your life to be able to make fun of it. Even though I'm the butt of your jokes. I don't have a problem with that. But something sparked you to be funny because the other shit you did was very suicidal. Now you're gonna live. Let's find.

[A]

Nick Cano, I love your style. Love your jokes. Amazing stuff. Here's a big joke book. Great stuff. Out of here.

[B]

Hey, man, that's racist. Not today. Nick Cano, everybody. I just tumbled his whole dreams. Not too damn. There's a world where legends race across city skylines Romance blossoms in Glittering ballrooms,

[A]

and there's magic around every corner.

[B]

It's a world known to many as Great Britain. You've seen the action on screen.

[A]

Now visit the rail real star of the show.

[B]

Visit Great Britain. To discover more, go to tripadvisor.com Great

[A]

Britain well, this is very exciting. This looks like a new name. Make some noise, ladies and gentlemen, for Randolph Davies, everybody. Randolph. Ow. Okay.

[B]

No way, no way, no way. That's what I said when my masseuse told me she farted in my mouth while I was asleep. I was. I've been on the road with the Counting crows for about 35 years. You know, you see a lot of stuff. You get a lot of things get you down, get you tense. So I try to get a massage from time to time. And I went to this. I used to get a massage from this girl. She started having too many seizures, so had to stop using her. But. So I got a new girl, bigger girl, Fat, you could say, right? And while that would push, push up on top of me, almost get a massage, get relaxed, fell asleep, and I wake up. And she goes, hey, sorry about the fart. And I said, what? And at first I thought she was blaming, you know, blaming me, like, sorry about you couldn't control your asshole, you know. And then I said. I said, my bad. It has a mind of its own. And she goes, no, no, I'm the one that farted. I'm the farter is what she said. I said, I don't.

[A]

Why.

[B]

Don't know why you would, you know, turn yourself in after you rob the bank, but that's not going to help your reviews, you know what I'm saying? I'm not going to go online and say, tina's super honest. I love that. And if you fall asleep at the right moment, she'll put a little secret in your mouth for free. All right, that's all my time. Thank you so much. Wow.

[A]

Randolph Davies. Unbelievable. I've never. I mean, look at you. This is incredible. Unbelievable. Execution, writing, timing, beats. It all seems genuine. The cowboy hat doesn't fit. You're at the top of your head. But you seem like you got a lot of stories, pal.

[B]

I could. I could tell you a few. Wow.

[A]

What was. Working with the Counting Crows for that long, like.

[B]

Yeah, I was basically the guy that tuned the guitars, get them drugs, find. Find restaurants, you know, that were fun to go to, get them pad Thai whenever they need it, you know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

One time. One time we were in New Jersey. Adam Duras and I went to A regular massage parlor. And you can always tell when it's not, you know, the marquee is just a little bit, you know, worn down, kind of like the. The people inside, you know, and we get in there and. And right away, I don't want to do the accent, but you know who it was, you know, and she said something I didn't understand and, and I knew what it meant, though, you know what I'm saying? There was a twinkle in her eye, like she, you know, like she was down to clown, you know. So Adam and I went in. They only had one room, so we had to be in there together. And. Well, long story short, we. We both got jerked off at the same time. And this was two days before Christmas. I learned, I. I looked over to him and I said, boy, this is quite the long December. You know what I'm saying? What? Wow.

[A]

Randolph Davies has arrived to the kill Tony universe. I've noticed that almost every one of your jokes and stories revolves around getting a massage.

[B]

Well, you know, life gets hard, Tony. You gotta relax. And it's the only way for me to shut down mentally and physically. So some people, you know, I'll play a little Xbox live from time to time, but.

[A]

Wow. Wow.

[B]

Free Britney69 if you want to find me on Xbox.

[A]

By the way, that's your handle. Free Britney. Is that for Britney Spears?

[B]

No, for Brittney Griner.

[A]

Oh, he picked up the toothpick and. Right back in the mouth. This is a true road dog.

[B]

Lord knows this thing ain't been worse than places than I have.

[A]

Wow. Randolph, how long have you been doing standup comedy?

[B]

First time.

[A]

This is your first time? First time ever on stage. Absolutely. Worked continuous beats on the audience like a pro. Like someone that's been doing it for decades. Absolutely incredible. What made you want to. How old are you?

[B]

55.

[A]

55. What made you want to start stand up here on kiltoni tonight at 55?

[B]

Well, you know, life gets crazy, Tone. I've been living in Temecula for about the last 14 years, right? My wife. My wife and my ex wife became friends. We opened up a winery called Oops. Which I know sounds like a jokey beverage establishment, but it's actually, you know, it's kid friendly. We got little petting zoo and all that, you know. But my point is, you know, I just, I've traveled everywhere, I've done everything, and I just figured, you know, it's either, you know, a guy or do standup at this point. Wow, you came to the right show. Buddy Y. Bad boy. I like her. I got a question for you. You say this is your first time doing standup. That's right, sir. But it's obvious that you. You had some jokes that you prepared. How long did you think about doing standup before you decided you actually going to do it? Well, you know, I was told there'd be no pop quizzes on this show. I'm just trying to get people to know, get to. I. I just want. I was trying to. I hear you. I hear you. I hear you. I hear you, I hear you. Settle down, Settle down. This is why I don't want to have. Give good advice to try to do some. No, no, no, no. I'll read you. I read you loud and clear. I appreciate it. You know, it's one of those things again, I've done it all. I've been. I've been around the moon and back, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you just get to a point where you go, that's. What else is there to do? But also, I got so many stories, I don't want to put them in a book. You know, nobody reads books anymore, Right. They either listen to the book or they want to go see the book live in film form. How long did it take you to decide if this something you really wanted to do? About 15. About 15 minutes. Okay. You see, you see, you see, you see, you see? I'm not a guy. I'm not a guy. Darnell, that. That does. I don't. He's paying attention. He's paying attention. I'm a fan. I'm not a. I'm not a guy that likes to plan ahead. Life throws so much at you. Laugh at. Laugh is. I mean, I've, man, I've. You know, I've dated girls. I've, you know, I've pregnant girls. I, I. A girl with, you know. Oh, man. She had cervical cancer for about a month.

[A]

What was that like? Can you describe that?

[B]

The sex was unbelievable. Yeah, because she thought it was, you know, it was. She thought this was a rap, you know, so we. We got to do everything, you know. She beat it. She beat it. Shout out to Jill.

[A]

Wow. Absolutely incredible. And the pregnant women. Now, you said women, plural. Randolph Davies.

[B]

I did, didn't I?

[A]

Yeah, you did. What's that like? I've never been with a pregnant woman. Is there something that you notice that's different than a pregnant woman, than a woman that isn't pregnant?

[B]

I mean, look, that's, you know, that's like asking someone to explain the plot of Indiana Jones in the Last Crusade. You know what I'm saying? You want to know, but you don't have time.

[A]

Do you have any fun stories about Courtney Cox?

[B]

Thought you were gonna ask me to do the secret show. I would love to have you on the secret show. Amazing. No, I'm busy.

[A]

I'm busy. But you can't make it to the secret show.

[B]

Gotta get a wart removed. I do. I got a wart on my finger. Those pregnant. Got it somewhere.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

But what was the question, Brian?

[A]

Have any fun stories about Courtney Cox?

[B]

You know, Counting Crows and. Yeah, I partied with Courtney a couple times as pre friends. And she's wild, spunky. You know, people always say Matthew Perry was a crazy one because of the. The whole hot tub thing, but no, she. Courtney Cox was spunky, adventurous. Always. Every other day she's like, you want to go bungee jumping or, you know, go down to, you know, go down to Yoshinoya. You ever. You know what Yoshinoya is? It's a fast food Chinese restaurant. Yeah, I mean, it's. They should call it E. Coli City. Yeah, but she always wanted to eat there, so to me, that was. She's a risk taker. Right? But I saw her tits once.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Beautiful. And I don't want to say like that's, you know, I don't know her personally because of that, but I, you know, once you see someone half naked, you get a little bit more familiarity. Right. What was the question again, Brian?

[A]

The perfect answer. No, you nailed it.

[B]

It was great. Very funny.

[A]

You nailed it. Super roadie for the counting crows for 35 years.

[B]

Or.

[A]

That's right, I'd imagine. You know how to play the guitar, right? Are there any other instruments or special skills or talents that you have?

[B]

I was an auctioneer for a little bit. You know, mostly, you know, there's haikus. You know, my. I had a nephew. Well, half, I guess he's, you know, he's rip. He's not dead. He's dead to me. But he's shout out to Nathan. But he, you know, he's just went down the wrong path, as we all do at some point, and he just needs to find his way back, you know, but. But he would always try to coerce me into going down to his little slam poetry things and. And no offense, but there, you know, one too many Indian people down there, you know, which is fine. I just hadn't, you know, it's. They're always coming up, you know, big Counting Crow fans, you know, the Indian people. So Just a lot of questions from my side of things, and I just, you know, want to be out, enjoy, support my nephew, and here I am, you know. Oh, yeah, no, I was at Sarasota, too, sir. You know, but yeah, so spoken word. You know, if you guys want to hit me with a little something, I can give you a little bit of the slam poetry that I used to.

[A]

Oh, hell, yeah. Absolutely. I could. I could listen to you and talk to you all day. Randolph Davies, let it rip.

[B]

Something in the key of E. But also dealer's choice. You know, it's your show.

[A]

Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, Randolph Davies. The kill Tony debut of Randolph Davies.

[B]

Well, I was driving drunk again down the 405. Couldn't quite remember if I wanted to be alive. So I opened up my book and I remembered what Captain Hook said in Peter Pan. He said. He said, give me all them boys, give me all them girls. I'm going to take them to the plank and watch them vanilla swirl down into the ocean. Deep inside the the ocean, there might be sharks. Look out. Big old fish and trout. Maybe we can get back to land and find my friend Stan.

[A]

He

[B]

has the drugs. Stan always had drugs. I'll tell you this. What? Stan gave me a pill one time, and I danced with a coconut tree for an hour and a half.

[A]

Ooh, she could move.

[B]

She could groove. But one thing I learned in this life at 55 years old is that even through a pandemic, mold is mold. So throw that peanut butter in the trash. It ain't good no more. It ain't good no more. I'm allergic to gluten, by the way. All right, that's it. Thank you so much. That's it. Out of me.

[A]

Randolph Davies. Wait, Randolph. I gotta tell you, every once in a while, an absolute saint comes around. My friend, you are the newest golden ticket winner here on Kiltoni. Miranda. Take that with you. Randolph Davies, ladies and gentlemen, an absolute phenom. I'm sure we'll be seeing more of Randolph in the very near future. Absolutely incredible. Oh, all right. Well, you guys, this is the greatest show in the world or what, huh? There's Heidi. All right, let's get another bucket. Pull up here. Make some noise for Pat o', Neill, everybody. Pat o'.

[B]

Neill.

[A]

Folks, I was watching Batman earlier, and it really got me thinking, you know, because Bruce Wayne, his alter ego, is Batman, inspired by his paralyzing fear of bats. So I guess then my superhero name would be Black Man. Man. Okay.

[B]

And considering how many of these superheroes

[A]

get their power from radiation. Not nearly enough of them are Japanese. Come on. Asian jokes are short sighted.

[B]

And what do I know?

[A]

Until Oppenheimer came out, I thought Nagasaki was about black blowjobs.

[B]

Speaking of,

[A]

speaking of overreactions, Hamas really brought a knife to a space laser fight, huh? Holy out of control. I'll never understand how conflict in the Middle east has lasted so long considering half of them face the same way five times a day.

[B]

Sneak up behind them, problem solved. You are welcome Jews.

[A]

Okay, thank you. Wow, Pat o' Neill has done it again. You are one of the funniest people, Pat. How's life going, buddy? All right.

[B]

How about you?

[A]

I'm great, Pat. I'm great. Good, good, Pat looks like this all the time, by the way. This isn't a character or anything.

[B]

He looks and sounds suicidal, but I would try to save his life. I'm telling you. I don't know too much about you, whatever, but you have a very funny, funny energy. It always remind me of, like, Howie Mandel. When Howie Mandel first started, right, he had this nervous energy and he worked with it. This is my first time seeing you, but you look funny, you sound funny and you're funny.

[A]

Hey, remember the last time you were

[B]

on, you wanted to fuck that trans girl. Thank you, sir. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You know what? That's funny. I'll just leave it at that. My DM's already blown up. I don't need no more Tonya. Tony's in my motherfucking dm. But I do remember that time where I misspoke and I said something that was inappropriate. That's what I remember. But you're still funny.

[A]

Thank you. Thank you.

[B]

Tonya, did you fuck that trans girl?

[A]

I fucking. Let's get to it together after. Oh, hell yeah. Look at that. Someone ordered a charcuterie board. There's three types of crazy meat at this party. Pat, what is your love life like? You seem like the kind of guy that would fuck almost anything out of the Dating Game. Doing that thing lately where you whack off for hours before finishing. Ooh, tell us about that. What's that? What's it called again?

[B]

Oh, yeah, coke. I'm doing a lot of cocaine.

[A]

Oh, tough to come on coke. Wow. In. Incredible. Where are you? How often are you doing cocaine? I don't know. Yeah, no, not anymore. Not anymore.

[B]

Deviated septum. Oh.

[A]

Better to go to sleep every now and then. Yeah. You're such a funny guy, Pat. Are you getting on stage a lot Here in Austin? Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

I just.

[A]

Every night, yeah. What do you do for work?

[B]

Work?

[A]

I got fired two weeks ago.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Fired from, like, a mortgage company. What did you do to get fired?

[B]

Cocaine.

[A]

Yeah. That's how the septum got deviated.

[B]

Yes, I understand the nature of the

[A]

show, but I have, like, a severance thing where I'm getting paid, so I like. Perfect. Literally cannot. Perfect answer.

[B]

I'm sorry.

[A]

No, it's great. No, I love it. Saying I understand the nature of the show, but I have a severance. Severance thing is actually the best answer I think we've ever gotten for that.

[B]

I can't be homeless.

[A]

I'm sorry. No, it's fantastic. If you already look it, you can't actually live it. Tell us something else crazy about your life, Pat. How did you end up like this? Are your parents dead, too?

[B]

My dad is.

[A]

Yes. Yep. There you go. That is a doorknob. How did. How did your dad die? Liver cirrhosis at age 40.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

My God. How much was he drinking to get that at 40?

[B]

A lot.

[A]

Yeah. All day. Yes. Yeah.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Amazing. I ask these questions because I like to have a few drinks at night, and I get scared. I'm a little hypochondriac. 40. That's amazing. How old was he when he had you? I don't know. How old were you when he died? Let's put it that way. Sixteen, I think. Okay. How old are you now? You look like you could be any somehow still look. 16. You locked in? 29. 29. Perfect.

[B]

Jesus.

[A]

Yeah. You guys might not be able to hear it over the podcast, but the entire crowd just gasped and all said different words. A lot of Jesus. Very rude audience. Make these laugh. Pat, you are absolutely hilarious. We love you here on this show. Keep coming back. Is that what you want? More than anything in the world. Really? My whole life.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, I just did the only one I have up here away.

[B]

But I won't disappoint you. I won't bother you to be on a lot.

[A]

You know, we got another one. You Pat o', Neill, you just want a golden ticket. Boom.

[B]

There you go. Thank you.

[A]

Congratulations.

[B]

There you go.

[A]

You're gonna invite him to do this secret show. All right. Well, it's good when you do it on the mic, but there you go. He's got a gig on Thursday. Oh.

[B]

Gonna sell this on Facebook. Marketplace for sure. Yeah. Honestly, I think he was deserved for a long time ago.

[A]

He's won the. Of course. Yes. I completely agree. I completely agree. It Takes a lot to. It takes a lot to. To do that as a normal white guy nowadays. And he always absolutely knocks it out of the park. How about one more time for Pat o', Neill, everybody? There are Golden SEGA winners on this show that leave a veils. And sometimes we can squeeze them into the show. And then there are regulars, ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian is a regular. And there is a big difference between regulars and golden ticket winners. Regulars have to write a new minute every single week. This is one of those guys. He was once the dark storm of Atlanta. Now he is the dark storm of Austin, Texas. Make some noise for the one and only. This is a brand new set from Dedrick Flint.

[B]

Yeah, y', all, me and my white roommate, I had to go do a show in Marble Falls, Texas. It's not a real place, even though I went there. And when the sun went down, I looked at my roommate, I said, I think it's time for us to go. I think that's the rules out here. And so we start driving back, and the shit look on the way. There's no, like, street lights. It look like where you meet the devil. And that nigga charge like he challenged you to play guitar for your soul. So while we driving, I looked at him and I said, yo, I gotta pee. I'm about to pee in this Gatorade bottle. And then he looked at me, his white ass said, I'll just pull over. No, nigga, you're not. We are not. We're not stopping here. And then he was like, what, you scared? Like a mountain lion is gonna come get you? I said, nigga, that's best case scenario. Worst case scenario, a white guy. You know what I'm saying? Like that I'm trying to take a piss, and a nigga come out of the cornfield. Talk about you fellers lost, wrong turn. Now I'm getting raped and slowly eaten. Like, I don't care what you say. If y' all was in the woods and you saw a white guy just appear the whole time in your head, you like, I wish this nigga was a grizzly bear. Cause you can. They have shit for bears. They got the shit called Bear Mace. You spray it on a bear, and the bear get the fuck away. There's a hundred videos of it working. There's twice as many videos of a white guy walking through Bare Mace and getting tased. Still trying to make a point. And I told that bitch to bring my soda over there. Nigga, I don't wanna do that. That's just Scary. And if we being honest, nigga, the scariest bears are white. Polar bears don't. All they do is kill, nigga. That's. My biggest fear, is running to a polar bear with no Coca Cola. Actually, let me change that. My biggest fear is running to a polar bear with Pepsi nigga Dad. Now I'm getting raped and slowly eaten by a goddamn polar bear. That's my time.

[A]

I love y'. All. Cedric Flynn has done it again. Donnell.

[B]

No, I want. This is interesting because I've said this before. This is one of the best. This reminded me of back in the day with Def Jam, where it was a platform where people that you didn't see get to perform. I saw you. You pulled up, I don't know, in my algorithms or something. And I think I commented. You did. On your page. And I said original. I said authentic. And I said something else. You said I was really funny. It was a great written joke, and it was authentic. And this is a real comic. I know. Cause I screenshot it, and I sent it to my mama immediately, nigga. Immediately after I. But even though with this show, you get some duds, but it also gives everybody an opportunity to do their shit. So for me to come see you, I was like, oh, that's a motherfucker. Just randomly. I saw that shit. Cause you don't always see that. So. Not just because you black. You're a funny guy. You're original, man, and I wish you the best. You're gonna be big. Hey, love you, man.

[A]

Marble Falls, huh?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How far is that?

[B]

45 minutes in the wrong direction.

[A]

I'm pretty sure. 45 minutes. Any direction in Austin's the wrong direction.

[B]

I see where they got the airport, because you need to get the fuck over. That shit was terrifying. I thought he was going to get pulled over the whole time. And I. I didn't want to get. Because the cops in Texas, these niggas is like fourth generation cops. Like, they were like, my daddy was a sheriff, and his daddy was sheriff, and hit that. I don't want no nigga with the athletic ability to see that I'm doing crime. Just to let y' all know, he say these niggas, he meant police. Okay. All right, well.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Shout out

[A]

the police. The police. Love you.

[B]

Y' all good, y' all good. But I'm talking about the other ones.

[A]

What's the worst run in with the cops that you've had to drink?

[B]

Oh, shit. These they all right. I'm not gonna lie. Sometimes I do deserve to get caught doing crime. Especially if you smile. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it. That. So we was stealing from the. We was stealing from, like, the gas station when we was kids. And we thought we could run away, but they don't teach you as a kid. You can't outrun a cop car. And that nigga just pulled over there. He pulled me and my brothers over there, like, slammed us on the ground. We were like, seven, eight years old. And the whole time, he was like, what did you take? And I was like, oh, nigga, I took him some gum. And he was like, bro, I can see your pockets. And I didn't see that till I had, like, Flamin Hot Cheetos in one pocket. I had a whole sub. I was like, nigga, that's the easiest they saw me. I wasn't a good stealer, so I started selling drugs.

[A]

Started selling drugs at seven or eight years old.

[B]

Yeah, they need them.

[A]

The hustle starts early. Amazing. Dedrick is from Atlanta, Georgia. You have any history in Atlanta?

[B]

Not that I want to talk about. You did we. You had did the Laughing Skull one time, and I came out because Johanse Collins brought me out to the Laughing Skull, and I had did that Oreo joke, and you was like. When I walked back, they would say, that nigga was dying laughing at your jokes. And I cried in the green room until you walked back in because I was laughing at your joke. Yeah. Yeah, you liked it. I was really good then, too. And no, it's safe to say that I'm telling you this is so random, because, you know, you just popped up on my timeline. A lot of times I was like, boo, boo, boo, boo. But then. And the fact that this was the second time that I listened or heard you tell jokes, and I appreciate it. That's. Not that I'm the fucking God to this shit, but, you know, I really appreciate it. Obviously, I've been appreciating what you've been doing from the longest time. Cause I haven't been to Laughing Skull in a long time. Yeah, that was. That was a long time ago. Because you was. You was pissed off because you wanted the Cowboys to lose so you could talk shit to Charlamagne. The guy. Exactly. Old contour, face, high cheekbone, having ass Maybelline product, wearing that shimmy, shimmy, cocoa pop motherfucker. I'm sorry. Charlamagne. We're at odds with each other. Yeah.

[A]

Trevor Wallace. What is it like to be inside of an Oreo cookie? Cookie right now?

[B]

Gotta be double stuffed. I feel like I'm in a cuck situation right here. They're just glazing each other back and forth.

[A]

You got deaf comedy jam to your sides and blind comedy jam behind you. Dedrick, you are the man. We're gonna keep it moving. Dedrick's done it again. Dedrick did it again. Cedric did it again. And onward we go. Ah, look at this name. This looks new and interesting. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Ladies and gentlemen, it is Vincenzo Marasio. Vincenzo Maraschio.

[B]

I got a confession to make, guys. The first time I ever heard of lgbtq thought it was like a fancy way of saying, I want everything on my burger. Turns out it's a fancy way of saying you love everything up your ass.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm from the east coast, and I'm a foodie, so the first time I heard of Grindr, I thought it was an app for sandwiches. Turns out it's for dicks. Yeah. So I came in the dude's mouth. I was like, where's the sandwich? When does it show up? I'm way hungrier and a lot more gay now. Yeah. I really didn't know that guy was gay till about a week later he texted me. He was like, do you want to go to a Dallas Cowboys football game? That was it. That gentleman. All right, that's been my time. Thank you, guys.

[A]

Vincenzo Marascio.

[B]

Maracio. That was the most interesting way to come out the closet I ever seen in my life. Yeah, you should just open up with, I suck this guy's dick. And then.

[A]

Okay, yeah, it was interesting. It was almost all gay sandwich themed. First joke was about a burger. The next one was about a sandwich, but both were gay jokes, not gay.

[B]

And if you want to know something crazy, I've only ever eaten black.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. I've slept with white girls. Just never got around to eating their pussy.

[A]

How did you get around to eating a black pussy?

[B]

I just hooked up. A lot of black chicks. Yeah, a lot of black. They like me. Yeah.

[A]

Really?

[B]

I like them.

[A]

It's better season.

[B]

Yeah. Lots of flavor.

[A]

Red ban.

[B]

I shouldn't be laughing at this shit, but that was funny.

[A]

So how many black pussies do you think you've eaten? And why do I feel like you're talking about actual cats?

[B]

No, no, no. Probably three dozen, but, yeah, definitely three dozen black pussies.

[A]

You know how many a dozen is?

[B]

The majority of chicks I've hooked up with are black. Yeah, I think you can say it. Some of them do want me to.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

At times

[A]

you think you've eaten? Ballpark. 36 black pussies.

[B]

100%. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

But not one white One.

[B]

No.

[A]

How many white women do you think you've had sex with?

[B]

Not a lot. Less than 10. 10.

[A]

Less than 10. How many black women do you think you've had sex with?

[B]

Probably close to 50.

[A]

Wow. Where are you?

[B]

I want to see if he's telling you. Finish this sentence right here. The black of the berry, sweet of the juice.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

He's had some black.

[A]

Oh, come on. That's entry level. Let's do another one. Wu Tang Clan. All right, well, you get the covers. Oh, you know what? Let's end this game. Jesus Christ Almighty. This show's out of fucking control. Makes me wonder how many black pussies Randolph Davies has eaten.

[B]

So how many black pussies have you. Yeah, shut the fuck.

[A]

We could call Face that way. Face that way. Face that way. Vincenzio, shut the fuck up. What do you do for work?

[B]

I work at the Vulcan now.

[A]

Oh, you work at Vulcan Gas Company. You're a door guy there?

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Okay, what did you do before that?

[B]

I sell sports cards and Pokemon cards and stuff like that. Pokemon card and that got you black?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You ever seen a holographic? Nope. I got a supplier for the Labubus. Wow.

[A]

Okay. Vincenzio. Vincenzio, you've been on this show before, correct?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

What did we find out during that interview?

[B]

Just that I been working out. I lost almost 100 pounds recently.

[A]

How did you do that?

[B]

Thank you, guys. How did I do it?

[A]

Yeah. Only eating black pussy.

[B]

Yeah. Literally. She gets you stressed out. You lose a lot of weight.

[A]

How did you lose the weight?

[B]

Running and eating salad, like. Yeah. Fuck, yeah.

[A]

Salads at Chick Fil A. Salads at Chick Fil A.

[B]

Well, like, if you're like. Because I've been on the road doing a little bit of comedy and stuff, trying to, like, eat healthy, fucking get salads at fast food places. Try to do shit like that. Do as smart as shit you can, you know, Fuck. Eat a bunch of black pussy, too.

[A]

That's okay. Is there anything else interesting?

[B]

Starve. It's not even a lot of black pussy in this audience, right? I did get two beautiful white girls to show me their tits in front of the Sunset Strip. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, okay. It was homeless tits. Everyone loves homeless tits.

[B]

They're like, only fans, girls. Fansly or whatever. Yeah, it was dope.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Ellie, James and.

[A]

Okay. All right, Vincenzo. Very.

[B]

That man's going to want to see their tits. How'd you get him to show it and talk slowly. Hey. So they asked me how many black pussies I had eaten. No. Are they?

[A]

I'm get you out of here. Here's a little black joke book you can munch on later. There he goes. Vincenzio Marasio. We're going to keep it moving along here, all right? We're having fun here. This is a three word name. Make some noise for Jerry Debo Smith. Jerry Debo Smith, everyone.

[B]

I like to eat pussy, but don't get me confused with these young dudes eating ass, calling it groceries. That's not groceries. That's chitlins. And you niggas need to stop. That is chitlins. I think a lot of dudes eat ass because they still don't know where the clitoris is, but I do. And because of that, I have two rules, ladies. Like, the first one is, if I can smell it before you take your pants off, I'm not eating that shit. And they always get mad at you when you tell them that. They pussies think like they don't know. Like, bitch, you knew that pussy smelled like a 91 degree day in Puerto Rico before you came over here. And the second one is if you ever had an abortion. Yeah, I always lose people on that part. But fuck that. Somebody got murdered in there. Y' all know niggas don't fuck around in haunted houses. My tongue, my choice, bitch. Thank you. There you go.

[A]

Jerry Debo Smith. Were you gonna do a pussy eating joke before?

[B]

Had a shit when he was talking about pussy. Like he get something at all.

[A]

He says that he does. He says that he's eaten 36 black pussies. What do you think about that?

[B]

I think he's a white liar. And y' all believe that shit? Look at that. Fat motherfucker ain't eating no black pussy. Do you eat black pussy exclusively?

[A]

You've never eaten a white pussy?

[B]

Hell no.

[A]

When you say hell no like that. Why?

[B]

Because a couple of months ago I seen a TikTok where they asked a white girl if you take a shower on Wednesday, when the next time you take a shower, this bitch say Friday. Fuck that shit. Because of one no, white women don't wash every day. Fuck that shit.

[A]

You think that's a thing?

[B]

I know that's a thing.

[A]

White women. Is that true?

[B]

Of course they gonna say it while they on camera. Them bitches sitting on Krabby Patties. Junkies.

[A]

That was the split decision. Split decision. They do stripper showers, though, where they

[B]

take like Butt wipes and clean out.

[A]

Okay. Red band.

[B]

That's not good. And that's why your eyes look like that.

[A]

Do look a little inflamed, a little swollen.

[B]

How you doing?

[A]

Oh, little bit swollen. Jerry Debo Smith, what do you do for work?

[B]

I'm just a comedian. That's all I do for work.

[A]

Love that. How long you been doing it?

[B]

15 years.

[A]

15 years? Where at? What part of. Oh, San Antonio.

[B]

I'm originally from Washington, D.C. what's up, brother? What's going on, bro?

[A]

All right. Why? Why? How come you guys said hi like that after DC Was brought up?

[B]

That's the city. Chocolate city, baby. Okay, don't let him in on our. I'm not with him.

[A]

Jerry Bebo Smith. So your middle name?

[B]

No, my middle name is Dwayne. Debo is my nickname. And I just use that for my stage name.

[A]

It's your what name?

[B]

My nickname.

[A]

I thought you said something else.

[B]

Dwayne is my middle name.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. So we call. That's the government. I have friends. I didn't even know who they real name was. Like, 10 years later, one of my friends name is. His name is 40. They call him Jermaine. And this girl was like, have you seen Jermaine? I was like, who the fuck is Jermaine? I know 40. But in the black community, it's like this. What's your government? If I asked your government, what do you respond with? My government is Jerry Dwayne Smith. See, that's the real name.

[A]

What's your government?

[B]

Fuck you, Donnell. Maurice Rawlings. I left the black community years ago. I said fuck. It got too confusing. Confusing and shit.

[A]

Oh, my God. So, Jerry, you're born and raised or you started in D.C. what made you.

[B]

No, I started in San Antonio. I started at Laugh Out Loud Comedy Club, but I've been living there since 2010. And that's when I started.

[A]

What made you move to San Antonio?

[B]

My dad. My brother was in the military and he left. And then he had a baby in San Antonio and stayed there. And my dad moved down there. So I just moved. Once I got divorced. Cause I was running from a terrorist.

[A]

Is that just a girlfriend or an ex wife?

[B]

I was married.

[A]

Baby mama.

[B]

No. Ex. Nah. I ain't had no kids with this bitch. You crazy?

[A]

You married her and you didn't have kids with her?

[B]

Thank God.

[A]

Wow. How did that happen?

[B]

By the grace of God. Won't he do it? Wow. Won't he will you're full black? No. I remember I told y' all Last time my mom was white. My mom was white? Yeah.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Your dad was dark as my dad is purple. I like. I know. I had no idea. And you and y' all laughing just for. My mom's white. That's why my daddy stayed. He's still alive. God damn it. Wow.

[A]

That's incredible. You still have a relationship with your mom?

[B]

My mom passed away in 95. We had this conversation, sir.

[A]

Oh, we did. How did she pass away? Here it comes.

[B]

I was waiting for Red Band to do it like he did it last time.

[A]

You got to say how she died.

[B]

Failure. She passed away. Kidney. Kidney disease. I knew he was going to do it. I just did it before he did it, cuz I ain't wanted to kick his ass off to this show. Wow.

[A]

Amazing. Okay, so. But Dad's still fine?

[B]

Yeah, Dad's fine for now. Yeah, he's fine. He good. He just. He's in dialysis right now actually, too. He's 76. Dialysis for his kidneys is messing up. He be having. I already knew he was going. This nigga still ain't got no sleeves on. The sleeveless samurai is at it again.

[A]

He is. What was the last real job that you had, Jerry? Debo Smack?

[B]

I delivered furniture for Aaron's.

[A]

For Aaron's Furniture?

[B]

Yeah. For like seven years. But after that, if you want to consider it a real job. I worked the door at Laugh out loud for 10 years.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

I worked with this a couple times, too. Me and him did a show a couple times.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

He don't remember, Right. It's like a black reunion for me. Right?

[A]

Incredible. All right, Jerry. Well, fun times. You did it again. Did you get a big joke book?

[B]

Yes, I did, but I'll take the Nick.

[A]

Another one. Here's a very, very dark black one. Just like your dad. Boom. On we go. Should be the final bucket pool of the night, I do believe. And what a name it is. Make some noise for Ralphie Da Bartender. Ralphie Da Bartender. Here's Ralphie the bartender.

[B]

So a couple months ago, I go to Home Depot to look for a

[A]

dude, and he didn't really come with a green card, but a really long kink card. So we started dating, and things have

[B]

been going pretty good.

[A]

The other night, we're having a really intimate, deep discussion. He's giving me the reassurance that you want and that you need a new relationship. He's like, I love you forever and ever and always. Amen. I'm like, chingao, dude, did you just bring your Faith into this. How cochino are you?

[B]

And later that night, he's actually trying

[A]

to put me on the dinner table. And can you blame him? You know, boys got to eat.

[B]

And he's getting all sex with me,

[A]

rubbing up on me and whatnot. And he's like, who's your man? And so immediately I stood up and I look him dead in the eyes and I'm like, our one and only Lord and savior, Jesus Christ.

[B]

Amen.

[A]

So he came, which is pretty cool because before this relationship, I really wasn't that religious. But apparently we pray every night now because amen's our new safe word. Thank you. I'm Ralphie. Ralphie DeBartani. Oh, man.

[B]

Golden ticket.

[A]

All right, Ralphie. Am I saying that right? Yes. Ralphie, how long you been doing stand up comedy? About a little less than six months. Six months, Perfect. That's a good answer for what that set was. I love it. What made you want to start stand up six months ago? I've been wanting to do it for 10 years, but last year got a

[B]

divorce and been doing cool new shit.

[A]

Nice. What made you get a divorce,

[B]

motherfucker?

[A]

The wrong ones. And he tried to kill me, so. Really, how did he try.

[B]

I know this is wrong, but what did you say? I just can't jump the gun. What did you do? No, I'm joking.

[A]

Started moving out early?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Nice. So how long were you in that relationship for? Six years. Six years. And once you got out of it, that's when you realized you could start standup comedy?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Doing a lot of bigger things than

[B]

just stand up as well.

[A]

Just kind of like what? Blossoming. I started doing stunt doubling for motorcycle work. Oh, cool. How long have you been riding motorcycles?

[B]

About 3, 000 miles.

[A]

So I'm still pretty fresh. Okay.

[B]

A time limit.

[A]

Wouldn't give the factor here.

[B]

He said how long, not how far left you? I don't know. My mechanic had my bike for over

[A]

a year whenever I first got it. So it's been a while.

[B]

It's hard. It's easier to say. Mileage. I think there's something about this story you're not telling us.

[A]

Which part?

[B]

This one. This relationship. It was a husband. Common law. Yeah. You cheated on him? No.

[A]

He cheated on you?

[B]

Yeah. Oh.

[A]

With girls that look like his mom, so. Oh, you know, you can't compete. Was he Mexican?

[B]

Nah, White.

[A]

We have a brand new man for you. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen. He doesn't see color

[B]

and he won't walk out on you. Okay. Hey,

[A]

So Ralphie tell us more about your life. What else is interesting about you? I'm a welder, a mechanic, J Gym enthusiast. Started acting recently. Interesting. You were raised by a single father? No, he. He died. He died? How did he die? Lace. Batch of h. Oh, Batch of heroin.

[B]

Is that heroin?

[A]

Yeah, that was during the Biden administration. No, way before. Really? Fentanyl. Huh? Was it fentanyl or just something else?

[B]

Rat poison.

[A]

Oh, wow, okay. Yeah, that's pre Biden. Fentanyl was during Biden, right? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Wow. How old were you when he passed away? 4.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Damn, that sucks. You have a lot of siblings? Nope, Only child. Yeah, I have two brothers.

[B]

One's adopted and the other one's half blood. Half? They're not as cool as I am. Wow, I didn't know Mexicans adopt kids.

[A]

Is your mom Mexican?

[B]

No, my mother's white.

[A]

Oh, there you go.

[B]

Yeah, I forgot your.

[A]

Your dad was Mexican. Yes. And your mom's white? Yep. You still close with your mom? No.

[B]

Fuck that bitch.

[A]

Why Fuck that bitch. We don't got all night, Tony. Really? Have you ever thought with all these relationships that you might be the problem? You sound just like my therapist right now. Really? Do you go to the therapist? I do. Nice. I can't wait to tell her about all this tomorrow. Yeah, the manic episode's gonna hit hard after this. Where have you ridden this motorcycle at? What's the craziest place you've driven to? Just in Corpus. I mean, they have horrible driving. Wow. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Have you ever been with a woman before?

[A]

Red band. How could you? Look, this is. I believe this is our first. First female comedian of the night. You can't just. Every time there's a lady up here, sexually harass her with questions like that. Have you been with a woman before? Plead the Fifth, but yes. Well, let me tell you, she does some mechanic work and the rides motorcycles.

[B]

Tell by the face.

[A]

Wait, what? Red band, Ralphie. Fun times. You gotta keep working it. You're only six months in. Keep writing. Keep trying. There's a little joke book. Ralphie Da Bartender, ladies and gentlemen. That is what appears to be her name, Ralphie da Bartender. All right, ladies and gentlemen, have we had a good night tonight or what, huh? So we have a special treat for you. William couldn't make it, Ari. Maddie couldn't make it. Timmy couldn't make it. But I'm excited about how we're closing tonight's show and I think you will be too, because I believe that this is the future of Kil. Tony. This young man has only been on the show once before and he won a golden ticket at 21 years old, ladies and gentlemen. I think he's the future of the show. I think he's the future future of comedy. And I positive he's the future of musical comedy. Make some noise for Tony Scar, everybody. Tony Scar, to close out tonight's show at the age of 21.

[B]

How we doing, folks? Folks, what if I told you there was a place where brilliant minds could collide, where you could be drowning in pussy even if you're only the size of Big Mike? Celebrities around every corner and women that want you bad? Nothing but nines and tens, folks. Would you be interested that. Well, welcome to Epstein's Island. I'm sure you won't forget it. I'm trying not to get sued here. So everything I say is alleged. It's always perfect weather. I wonder who controls that. Probably the guys who with the beady eyes and one fourth of a hat. If Bill Clinton comes in under four minutes, there's four more weeks of winter. But he only comes in Asian women, or as he likes to call them, squinters. In his bathroom, there was a black midget taking a bath. It was the world's first sopping wet 3/5 of 1 half. Trump was at the table tricking Muslims into eating pork. He was sitting on J.D. vance, and J.D. vance was on all fours. They were eating with Anthony Fauci, and right before they prayed, Fauci turned into a fucking bat and flew away. It was crazy. Biden slept with a prostitute. And after they had sex, she stepped onto the balcony to smoke a candy cigarette. Stephen Hawking was on the treadmill yelling rill, rill, rill. Until I hit his eject button and he flew across the room, there was an Arabic stripper. She didn't take cash. She preferred that I threw rocks. She stripped down as much as a Muslim can. She took her socks halfway off. There was a black stripper, a smoke show with beautiful ebony skin. She stripped all her clothes off and stripped all the paint off. And then she was white again

[A]

and

[B]

I couldn't believe she did black face. That's racist. That's fucked. So I only paid her half price once she redid all the makeup. I got dragged to the island by my friend Leanne. She had a tampon in her purse, but no gang game plan. There was racquetball and pinball and badminton too. And not a single ball that left. The island was blue, but I didn't want to Go. But I didn't want to miss the show because ever since I was a young, young boy, I had fomo. I had fomo. I had fomo. I. I had fomo. I had fomo. I had the fear of missing out. I didn't want to go, but I had FOMO, everybody. I had FOMO. I had FOMO. I had FOMO. I had FOmo. I had FOMO. Had FOMO. I had. I didn't want to go, but I didn't want to miss the show. F. I had f. That is Tony Star.

[A]

Tony Star has done it again. I'm getting word that Randolph Davies is plugging Adam Ray comedy.com Adam Ray is on tour. How about one more time for the great Tony Scar. Tony, how are we feeling? Everything good, man. How's. How's life changed for you since becoming a big fancy dude?

[B]

Everything was good up until last night. Last night was. I bit my tongue really hard last night. I'm horrible at eating, dude. I don't know. I don't know how that happened. I am. I had a really bad sex experience recently.

[A]

What happened?

[B]

It was really. I was going back to a girl's RV because, you know what's a house if it isn't also a car, right? And I was back at her place and she wanted to fuck, but she made me wear a condom. And I didn't bring a condom. Because fellas know that if you don't bring a condom, you don't gotta fucking use one, right?

[A]

That's how that works.

[B]

That's how that works. I probably wasn't supposed to tell everybody that. That's my bet. But I went back to her place and she was like, you can use my condom. And she pulled out a Magnum condom. And I'm not a Magnum kind of guy, Tony. I'm not. So that was. That was. It's not like putting your dad's T shirt on. You know what I mean? I was like a toothpick in a ziploc bag. It was tough.

[A]

Yeah, that's a predicament.

[B]

But besides that, I mean, everything's been great. I still have a hard time getting booked around town, but I got managers and agents now. I got women hitting my line, which is awesome.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Yeah, it's fantastic. Mostly 30 year old women, which is great because that's my. That's my bread and butter, bro. Yeah, dude. This guy would get plowed on Epstein's Island. Yeah, dude, I was there. Human fleshlight. But you were there. I was there, yeah. I was on a silver platter with an apple in my mouth. Dude.

[A]

Amazing Tony, you are so funny. The music is just absolutely, absolutely incredible. Every line, every reference. You are a true star.

[B]

Thank you very much brother.

[A]

Amazing Tony star, ladies and gentlemen.

[B]

Thank you all. I love you folks.

[A]

This episode brought to you by Bluechew, Talk Space and Shopify. Guys, I love this man with all my heart. How loud can this place get for the great Don L. Rawlings everybody?

[B]

I love him.

[A]

He is on tour. See him Donnell Rawlings Trust me, he's one of the best stand ups in the world. Go see him donnell rawlings.com how about one more time for the great Trevor Wallace everybody. Check out his special April 1st on his YouTube that's YouTube.com Trevor Wallace find you part two from the Kill Tony band is out everywhere. Heidy regina.com Bonsai makes our amazing joke books. Check out our incredible line [e-mail] the drawing from Ryan J Belt is amazing Donnell Rawlings and Trevor Wallace. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

It's Jeremy. The great Adam Ray character. Jeremy. How about one more time for Randolph Davies debut tonight and Pat o'. Neal, both of them winning golden tickets Red band coming to San Diego American Comedy Code.com in June.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Yeah, don't forget we are at the Intuit Dome in Los Angeles in the month of May making our return to LA doing a real Kill Tony episode for one night only. That's at the Intuit Dome in front of 17,500 people at once. It started in the Belly room in front of 15 people and now 17,500.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We love you guys. Thank you guys. Good night everybody.

[B]

Sam. Sa. The sun shining, birds are singing and all feels right in the world. Until the season changes and suddenly you lose your motivation to get out of bed. In fact, one in five people experience some form of depression no matter the season or time of year. At the American Psychiatric association foundation, our vision is to build a mentally healthy nation for all.

[A]

Because we want you to live your best life and be your best you all year round.

[B]

Please visit mentallyhealthynation.org to learn more.