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Sam. Hey, this is Fred B. Coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill. Tony, get a friend. Donut. Heads up. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Big four for Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God. And how about one more time for the best stam band in all of the land. Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Michael Gonzalez and Nachos Belgrande. Ice officer Matt Muhling, the great John Dees on the keys and D Madness on the bas guitar. We're keeping the ice officer separated from our Latino, our Latino wing. This episode of the number one live podcast in the world is brought to you by Tocovas and ExpressVPN. How we feeling tonight, people, huh? It feels good in here. We are home at the Comedy Mothership. So many fun things going on, so many announcements, so many great sponsors. Here's some of them that made this episode available for you right here, right now, now at the Home Depot. Receive 12 months special financing and free basic installation on carpet projects with lifeproof. Lifeproof with pet proof technology, Home decorators, collection and traffic Master carpets. Bring a new look to your floors or give them a durable surface that stands up to life's tough messes. Get 12 months special financing on installed carpet projects right now at the Home Depot. Offer valid March 12 through March 29, 2026. Exclusions and additional charges may apply for licenses. See homedepot.com LicenseNumbers this episode is brought to you by Nordstrom. Spring calls for a wardrobe refresh, and Nordstrom has the best styles of the season, from dresses and denim to standout tops and accessories. Find the trends and essentials that feel right for you. Discover new arrivals from brands you love like Waif, Princess, Polly, Mango, Adidas and free people. Plus free shipping and returns and free styling appointments. Make everything so easy. Shop in stores@nordstrom.com or download the Nordstrom app. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Listening to this podcast. Smart move. Being financially savvy. Smart move. Another smart move. Having State Farm help you create a competitive price when you choose to bundle home and auto bundling. Just another way to save with a personal price plan like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Every single week, I have two of the funniest human beings in the world on this show this week, no different. One of them is one of my favorite comedians and movie stars. Truly one of the stars from what I think is the funniest movies of the past. I don't know, what would we say, three decades. The other one is Truly, who I believe is one of the top young rising comedians in the world. Truly one of the funniest humans on planet earth. They both are. Ladies and gentlemen, get ready to freak out as I introduce tonight's guests. It's Steve O. And Tim Butterly. Oh, yeah, baby. Yeah. And Tim Butterly. Here we go. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Hell yes. The Crash and Burn tour is everywhere. Steve O. Is the great Aaron Belial out there on the road with him. Fucking unbelievable. My man. I love Aaron Belial. Yeah, we do too. How about a hand for the great Tim Butterly, one of the breakout stars of the past year. A recent move to Austin, Texas has made him one of my favorite guests to book. And he's on tour. Timbutterly.com he's everywhere. Columbus, Dayton, Boston, Tacoma. Filming his special here May 23rd at the Creek and the Cave. A new 30 minute special. So much fun. You guys have both been on the show numerous times before. We're so happy to have you back. Stevo, Fresh off of filming the newest, what some people are saying might be the final Jackass movie of all time. Yeah, dude, it's the fifth last movie. I love it. Brilliant marketing. I'm gonna watch it no matter what. I swear to God. The Jackass. I've always said Jackass and South park are the only two things other than kill Tony in the comedy world that you can always trust and it's always there. I can put them on any time I crack up. Even the one. What's the one where it's like the deleted scenes kinda. Oh, the point fives. Yeah, that's the shit. Anyway, we're gonna have fun tonight. You guys have done the show numerous times, Butterly and Steve O. So, you know, hundreds of people signed up with a chance, the opportunity to get on this stage. Some of them are some of the top talents in the world that know their life will change with a minute of standup comedy. Some of them completely mentally ill people that literally just want to be seen for a second and realize that anyone can sign up for the show so they take full advantage of the situation. Recently we've had some stalkers on the show. We've had some people that are physical threats to our, to our audience and us. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear which rudely interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview with them. I find out if there's anything else interesting about their lives and we get to all meet them together or see them again if they've been lucky enough to be pulled before. That's about it. You guys ready to start tonight's show? I'm going to pull a name now. And while we go wrangle our first pull of the night, boy, do I have a treat for you. To get this show jolton from the start, I present to you a guy so powerful that he's normally the closer. He's a hall of famer known for having more sets on this show than any other human in the history, the 13 year history of Kill Tony. Some people call him the Saratoga singer, the Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla. This is the big Red Machine. The one and only William Montgomery. Tony, I'm about to be fucking threatening violence against Red bands. Moms. Pussy. Denied. This town is not big enough for the both of us. Said two clinically obese people. And by the way, Redband, your mama was so fat. Now there's an ozempic shortage. The reverend Jesse Jackson just died and I'm trying to figure out what he did to piss off Hillary Clinton. I asked ChatGPT to explain the concept of God in the shortest terms possible. It wrote back two words, Aphex twin. A Texas grand jury declined to indict a man who shot and killed his daughter because she said bad things about Donald Trump. I'm no lawyer, but isn't that called justifiable homicide? Okay, that's my time, Tony. 57 seconds exactly from the man. Well, Tony, I was going to say to Redband, I actually put his job application on. Indeed. I actually applied you for a job today, Red band. So you fucking owe me one, dude. Sick. Wait, what? Job application on Indeed On Indeed. Yes, I signed him up to be the new ayatollah. Whoa. I don't know anything about it. Indeed. But I'll tell you this, you should put it on ZipRecruiter, an official sponsor of Kill Tony. Use the promo code, Kiltonian. You get a month free. I do believe I love ZipRecruiter. Yeah, we love Zip Recruiter and Redbin. You're about to love Iran because you're about to be ruling Iran for a Little bit. And it was on ZipRecruiter.com you are applied now for the Ayatollah Supreme Leader of Iran. So, red, get ready, dumbass. You're really going to have to lose weight over there, dude. Oh, my goodness. When you're riding on your motherfucking camels, man, your ass going to get to lose away. The Supreme Leader, ladies and gentlemen. Did your mom write that joke? Wow. Red band knows how to bring the crowd to a screeching halt there. All the momentum and laughter and then just redband. No, but your mom did. Pussy. Oh, last night. Okay, yeah, stop. That wasn't good. That was not a good exchange. I love it. I love it. So you signed him up to be the new Ayatollah? I did. I did. I said he's really good at computer stuff. He's going to be able to help y' all with all of y' all's yalls, search engines and computer stuff. And he's just really. I said he's basically a tech wizard. He's going to be able to really help y' all with that. He's cool with having a bunch of different wives because he has a bunch of different wives in America. I told him about that. He's already going to be cool with having a bunch of different wives. They have to be Asian women. He needs a bunch of Asian wives over in our Iran when he's the Ayatollah. So, red band, we'll see what happens. Just please let me come over there. If you become the Supreme Leader, that'll be the first time you'll be able to ever say that I ran from you. Because you've never. You've never ran before. The Ayatollah of Breads and Rollers. Yeah, that's what you're going to be eating every night for dinner. Hey, can I have some more breads and rolos, please? You're gonna be. You're gonna be the burrito Supreme Leader. Sick, funny red band. You need to get on the rowing machine, my friend, so we can add some years to your life. He's been on the growing machine. I don't know if you've seen that. He does a thing. It's on his recliner. It's called the growing machine. He does a lot of this instead of that. Yeah, you're a big. You're a big little boy, ain't you? But it's okay. He put a splash of Gatorade his vodka soda. So he's super healthy. I remember one time in high school Tony, I drank a bunch of vodka Gatorade cuz I always heard it could make you drunker. And I got wasted that night and ended up driving back to my parents house and I crashed into their brick wall. And I wake up the next day to my mother screaming. It's everywhere. She was in the bathroom. I'd vomited everywhere and forgotten about it. So Redband, be careful tonight since you're drinking vodka Gatorade. I can't believe. Let me just say it's like you're a high schooler or something. Drinking and driving is not safe to do. We do not condone that. And if your life has gotten to that point, may I suggest going to betterhelp.com using the promo code Kill Tony and talking with someone within 30 minutes. You could be talking to a licensed professional from anywhere in the world. They sure help me, Tony, so much. What? You laughed at that? He loves it. No, they helped William. Yep, that was a good set. William, you had only three jokes about Red Band's mom. An Apex twin reference. This town is not big enough for the two of us. And I loved the Jesse Jackson, Hillary Clinton joke. Thank you. I know that happened about three weeks ago, Tony, under suspicious circumstances. He fell. Fell out of his office building in Atlanta. Wait, he did? Yeah. Jesse Jackson fell out of his office building in Atlanta and people really are saying it's a connection with Hillary? I did. I don't think that's how he died. Yeah, no, he got pushed out of his office building in Atlanta, Georgia, Tony. Oh my God. My goodness gracious. Yeah, no, I found this website where people are talking all about it and I've been on it non stop. And also redbay. And by the way, I told that weird stalker guy about your mom. He's about to be stalking your fucking mom. I'm serious. You need to change the locks at your house. I'm not kidding. Redband, he's after your mom. Next. You've been going to a. You've been going to a website where you find out all this information? Yeah, Jesse Jackson, he fell out of this high rise building in Atlanta. I just hope you're using your browser properly. The best way to do it is to use svpn.com you enter the promo code Kill Tony. This way people can't see what you've been. This guy's nodding along. He knows he uses a vpn. It's nice. I love it. Yeah, it's very nice. The VPN is so nice. This guy pushes VPNs to their limit. Yeah, yeah, he does steam coming out of it. He goes deep into the dark web. He literally looks like Red Band's wife on VR. That's what Red Band's wife on VR looks like, this guy. And you know, speaking of VR, gyms, can regrow your hair by using this topical solution. It's great for your forehead. Okay. Maybe next time try not to mess it up at the beginning. There you go. Yeah, Even if it's really bad. Maybe. Let's hear some sound. Let's hear some of those wacky sound effects. Red Band. Anyway, so tell us about your process, your writing process for this set this week. Where do you write most of your jokes? William, where are you? When in this. I was. Brilliant stuff comes into your head. I am in my little office that I've created, Tony, and has a lot of Star wars stuff in there. And yeah, I was in there and I was thinking, okay, Red Band's mom, she does look pretty good. She's not that fat. She lost some weight. Normally people say your mom is so fat. I was thinking, okay, if you could do the past tense, do it, that would be funny. Why would it be that? Because she lost a bunch of weight. Because it was a big. And then I was literally just thinking about his fucking mom, the rest of it. But yet, Tony, I sit in there. Wow. Just a random noise for no reason whatsoever. You know what, Redband, pick up the mic. Why don't you just jump in anytime you want? All right. No, I'm kidding. Go back to the sound. Yeah. Okay. And then Ozempic had my mind thinking, okay, something about fat people. Then I was thinking, for whatever reason, oh, old, old Western kind of say, this town isn't. Isn't big enough for the big. The both of us. Okay, who would say that? Oh, yeah, a fat person. So thinking, okay, we got two fat people jokes right here. Perfect. What else did you do this week? What are you passionate about in life right now? Well, Tony, I mean, I've been. I did 200 miles on the rowing machine in February. Okay, but that doesn't matter. But. No but, Tony, I've been put. Doing these walnuts in my hand. This random subreddit came on my computer called Win Juan Walnuts. And Tony, I've been doing it. My hands are already really sweaty. And I just sit in my little desk and I put them. Roll them in my hands, and then I brush them like they're little pets for, I don't know, an hour or two at a time. And then I'm slowly seeing this color change. And, Tony, I've literally been doing that. You've been brushing walnuts at a time. Yeah. Brushing walnuts. How much do you love brushing walnuts, Tony? It's like one of the best things. Wow. Red pan does not look impressed whatsoever. Yeah, he doesn't like it. Did you look up a picture? Oh, they're really wonderful. And they feel good in your hand. They're really enjoyed it. I don't think we need to look up a picture. No. Yeah, yeah. It's just like a walnut. Wow. Guys, any parting words for William Montgomery? Steve O. You've seen William a few times. I have. I think you look particularly healthy. Yeah. That is true. I. I believe that you've been on the rowing machine every bit as much as you claim. And I think so far, the joke of the night was growing machine. I really thank you. Thank you. Red band makes it very easy by being a disgusting monster. Gives me. Gives me enough to make fun of. He really does his job. Look at him. Look at what a little cutie pie. Wait, so the walnuts are changing color? Yeah, they're changing color. They change from a kind of a beige color to this very dark red color, and that takes a couple of years. So I'm gonna have to be handling these walnuts for years at a time. But I'm up for the challenge. I'm up for the task. Wow. Wow. Up for the challenge. Up for the task. And I do it, I don't know, four hours a day now, but it's nice. It keeps my hands literally busy. Tony. It's good. I'm not looking up porn. I'm not doing anything bad. I'm just messing with the walnuts. Okay. Seriously, Steve O. I'm trying to figure out if you healthier is even more unhinged. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know, but I like it. I like it. Don't change. Thank you. What do you do with your mind when your hands are occupied with the nuts? Thinking about stuff. I mean, again, I was thinking about Red Band's mom fucking losing weight. Fucking. When he used to drink. Drink and say all this crazy. It made sense because we're like, oh, that crazy drunk guy on all the Drunk. Yeah, he's sober. It's just weird, right? It really is. He's healthier than ever. And it. He's just. He's up for the challenge. He's up for the task. Up for the challenge. Tony, William, everybody loves you. We love you. How about one more time for William Montgomery? He got the show started. Tonight we're off and running, and on to the bucket we go. This. This is where the magic happens. This is where every single person that's ever been on this show comes from. It's very exciting. We're going to meet your first bucket pole at once. Goes by the name of Chase Alexander, everybody. Your first bucket pool of the night is Chase Mothership. How we doing? I'm not doing good, guys. People say up shit to me all the time, man. Someone said, I look divorced. I'm 30. All right? Another person said I look like Will Smith is my favorite rapper. And then someone else said I look like a substitute that just got out of prison. I'm like, all right, that's three insults. There's two people in this group chat. This is why I never asked my parents for shit. Anyways, you know, like, I'm going on a date. I'm trying to send the selfie. How do I look in this shirt? This is what they fucking say to me. But I go on the date and I'm getting fatter. I'm trying to articulate that in my profiles, right? So, like, every photo, I get, like, a little bit fatter. And, like, the current one is like, what I am now. But I go on this date, the chick's looking at the phone, looking at me, and she's like, you look like a Russian doll that ate all the other versions of yourself. And I'm like, are you in that fucking group chat with my parents? Because, like, that is just too fucking good. But I am seeing a chick right now, believe it or not, and I feel like I really get the best of both worlds with her because she's got a master's degree and a dui. Guys, I've been Chase Alexander. That's my time. Thank you so much. Ch. Alexander. Welcome. Welcome. Thank you. Have you been on this show before? I have not, no. Okay, welcome. How long you been doing standup? Three years. Where at? San Diego. That's where you live now? Yeah. Okay. What do you do for work? I got a boring tech job, and then I work at a comedy club at night and do hosting and just. What comedy club? American Comedy Company. Nice. Yeah. Red Band's going to be there in the month. July. Hell, Yeah. N through 11th. Oh, I'll keep all the homeless out on the door, guy. So there you go. That's some of those San Diego homeless people. It's. It's hard. They're everywhere. You guys know Austin knows? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay, so you're With a girl that has a master's degree and a dui. Is that true? I misunderstood. It's a nursing degree. I thought she said she was a doctor, so. Yeah, that's not true. No, but your girlfriend has a degree. No, she's. I'm not dating her either. She's. Oh, not real, everybody. No, no, no. I tried to make it last, but, you know, I really did want someone with a degree. How long That's a requirement for you? Yeah. I mean, clearly. Look at me, I'm degree worthy, you know? How tall are you? Five, eight and a half. I would take a diploma, a high school diploma, if I was. Yeah. Hey, I'm trying to shoot for the stars, you know? So are you dating anyone at all? No, I'm not dating anyone right now. Okay. I'm living with my grandma, so. It's hard to get pussy when you live with your grandma. Yeah. Where was that in your minute? I had a little more about her. You know, she's Jewish and just doesn't shut up about it, so that's pretty annoying sometimes, but hadn't gotten to it yet. Are you Jewish? Not technically. Because she's my dad's mom and it's like the mom's side, I guess. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. What? What is living with your grandma actually like, do you see her first thing in the morning when you wake up? Yeah. Does she make you breakfast? No, she. I just try to avoid her as much as I can, cuz she gives me anxiety and I work at home, so I'm like trapped with her, you know? Exactly. What does she do that gives you anxiety? Tell us, like the worst parts of living with your grandma. Just spill the beach. Why don't you go out and get some pussy? Why? You're in the house all the time. That's a part of it, I guess. Just like const. Panic attacks that, like, I have to deal with. And then she's like, maybe I should die. And I'm like, all right. Like, I can't deal with this. I'm not qualified. So it's a little stressful, you know? How long have you lived with your grandma? Like six months. Okay. Yeah, it's pretty new. What made you move in with her? Grandpa died. Ooh. How did grandpa die? He just got cancer. I think she honestly killed him because he did not want treatment. He was like, I'm good to die, let me go. What kind of cancer did he have? Have pancreatic. Works every time. Get that pancreatic party started. Yeah. Now when somebody has a Job in tech. You don't imagine they're living with their grandma. What do you do in tech? I work with cities to help modernize their transit stuff. You're degree worthy, man. Thank you. Thank you. Have you ever been with a girl that has a degree? I mean, probably not, but I'm not, you know, I just started looking for the degree women, so, you know. Have you ever been with a girl? I have. I have. Thank you. Thank you. One or two. You know. Is Will Smith your favorite rapper? No, but people say I look like. Like someone who would be like that, you know? Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like you. Thank you. Thank you. I like you, too, Steve O. Thank you. Have you ever tried to take a girl back to your grandma's house? No. But here I think I could because my grandma's room is far away. It's got her own bathroom, and I could close the doors. And the doctor has upped her nighttime. Lyrica. Ooh. Lyric Lyrica. Yes. What is that? Her nurse. Stay at home. Black nurse. Yeah. Lyrica Jenkins University, Alabama linebacker. I wish. I need Lyrica in my life. That's right. Bad news, Lyrica. There's not a Lyrica in the world that has a degree. Buddy, where are you? Lyrica, you don't even. They don't even have degree. The deodorant. Oh, great. Oh, come on. What are you talking about? What is it? What exactly is he implying there? D. Madness is laughing. Deez is laughing. We're good. All right, Chase Alexander, before I get you out of here, tell us what is the most interesting thing about your entire life's history? What's something crazy that you've been part of? Maybe an award that you won? Maybe a special skill or talent that you have that you. You excel at. Something like that. There must be something in which out of your entire life. There we go. What is it? People really think my earlobes are soft. Really? Yeah. Come over here. Oh, no. You fell into Tony's trap. No, those are normal earlobes. Oh, no. You fell into his trap. People have been lying to me. I thought everyone told me they're soft. You know, that was. That was kind of my thing, and I guess I don't have a thing now, you know. Fuck. Has anyone besides Grandma told you this red man has softer earlobes than you did? Well, he's probably got a lot of lotion on him. He's a moisturized man. You know, rumors about me. It's crazy. Amazing. Well, Chase, since the most interesting thing about you is your Very normal earlobes. Is there anything else? You don't have any hobbies or anything like that? There's nothing that you're passionate about in life. You just do your tech job, fucking, and wait for grandma to fall asleep and then jerk off and do it again the next day. I do mics and then I jerk off. Yeah, yeah, that's. That's the order. But no, I mean, yeah, no, I don't got. I don't know. I'm fucking. Yeah, I've got shit. I just work. Ever catch you or anything? She doesn't really see more than like 10ft out, so I'm pretty good. If I just. So sometimes. Sometimes you just do it in the same room. Just across. I could get away with like a real dim light. I could. I could do dirty. Wow. Imagine this all from the grandmother's perspective. By the way, your husband died. You're waiting for the end yourself and your incel grandson. Brutal. Dude, You guys don't own any guns, do you? Maybe. No, don't do that. No killing yourself. At least not until six months after this episode airs so that we don't get blamed for. Perfect. Perfect. Now, Chase, fun times. You've been doing it three years. You're out there hustling in San Diego. Sign up again next time. Keep up the good work. And here's a medium sized joke book for you, Chase. There goes Chase Alexander. And the bucket has begun, ladies and gentlemen. You see what it is. Anything can happen. And that young. That young buck. Oh, it's Heidi and Val, everybody. What a special treat. What did we miss there? What? What just happened? They kissed. Oh, my God. Wow. Chase Alexander's earlobes just got hard. All right. Hello there. 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NA Select Schools available Venmo Stash terms and exclusions apply at venmo me termsterms max $100 cashback per month. Everybody, your next bucket poll. Looks like another new name. Goes by the name of Timmy D. Timmy D. Oh, hell yeah. Oh, this part. Just make some noise for Timmy D, everybody. First try. Sony. Somebody told me back there the shirt looks is racist. I'll tell you what's racist is elephants. You never hear any white people getting killed by an elephant. How much do you got to be not paying attention to get killed by an elephant? I'd be like, hey, look, y', all, here comes the elephant. Ole. Anyways, worst part about getting killed by elephant is you're laying there and I'm going blank. You're like, well, yeah, well, I've been killed by elephants. And it's exactly the opposite of what you thought it would be like when you died. You're surrounded by surrounded by loved ones, candles and a priest trying to put his cock in your mouth. And you're like, hey, man, I'm dying over here. He goes. And the priest is like, that's what makes it extra dirty. So you're laying there. All right, you reach your time, limit it one more time for Timmy D, everybody. Thank you. Or as I call them, scary the cable guy. I'll take that. I'll take that. Timmy. Welcome, welcome. I surreal. Tony. I love it. Look at you. You are just a dream bucket pool. I cannot wait to find out all about you. The last guy was giving me nothing that lived with his grandma. Doesn't do anything. I feel like you have bodies buried in the backyard, you know what I'm saying? Anybody that steps foot in your yards, carcasses in the back. Oh yeah, mostly deer and stuff like that. Okay, very good. Timmy, how long you been doing stand up? Off and on for about 10 years. I love it. All of it. Here in Texas? No, I was. I went to la. You went to la? I did. The first time I ever did it, I got up at the Ice House in Pasadena. How many gay men got slaughtered in LA when you. I got the out of. Yeah, I do. Like somebody would slaughter a gay guy. Yeah, I'm learning a lot about myself tonight. You're learning a lot that a mirror could have taught you. This is just. I decided this is what I'm doing, you know, you just make a decision. This is what I'm fucking. Do you like my boots? It's great, it's great, it's great. Timmy, get back up to the mic. It's a wise choice. Camouflage. People are wondering what the the floating arms are doing out there blending into 6th street tonight. Timmy, how old are you? 63. Really? Damn, you look great for 63, buddy. I just had a little boy at 60. You had a little boy? I have a little boy that's three years old. Turned three years old in January. Oh, my goodness gracious. Is he healthy and everything? Is he okay? Is he healthy? Yeah, he's kicked me in the balls about 75 times in the last three years, so yeah. Perfect, perfect. He's doing good. What have you been doing for work your whole life, Timmy? I'm a guitar player, songwriter, engineer, producer. Wow, look at you. Guitar player. How long you been playing guitar for? Since I was 6. Oh, my God. Wow. And you've been doing that for a living? You made all your money for the last. Well, I was a carpet installer for years and then I moved to Nashville and then I picked up enough work on Broadway. How old were you when you moved to Nashville? 2002. I moved there and then my wife and I had a baby and her family's from Wisconsin and she just wanted to live up there for a while. I just sold that house and I'm moving back to Nashville in April. So how many kids do you have total? One that I know about. Well, you said you had one when you were in Nashville. 1 6. Yeah, I just had and then you had a. You lost me, Tony. And then. Then you have a. Then you have a three year old. I have a three year old. That's all I got. That's all you got. I turned 60. I had. Got it. Is this planned, by the way? What's that? Having a baby at 60. What was the question? Yeah. This is a lot, man. I haven't been on a stage in like four years. A planned pregnancy. How old's the lady you got pregnant? She's going to be 39 in March. Damn. Look at you. Yeah. Let's go, big dog. Look at you. This. Listen, did she know that she was getting by you or did she did or was the camouflage throwing her off? She thought. She thought her dildo had a mind of its own that night. This dildo. The dildo. Me. And it was trying to tell me jokes the whole time. Talking. Wouldn't shut up about elephants. For some reason. I thought that I wrote that bit just to do this. I love it, dude. I did. It's one. It was a minute and five seconds. But I missed some stuff. So. Yeah. Wow. Apparently took me longer to tell it. Sure. Yeah. Absolutely. Anyways. So. Huh. It's okay. I'll ask you a question. Come on. Yeah. Don't lose me. Yeah. I'm not. We're not losing you, Timmy. I'm very good at this job. And you're exactly the type of person I watch every week. And that's what I do in my spare time. I watch this show and have anxiety attacks because I knew I was going to be here. I knew I was. I just got here last week. Week. And I came here and signed up today. And here. I knew this was going to happen. Okay. I did. I knew. Knew it. Hey, I get it, dude. Intuition is strong. I love it. So I'm going to go back to Tim's. Very good question. You had a baby three years ago. My wife did. Right. But were you guys planning. Idiot. Yeah, I was way confused. He spent enough time in LA to where he might have a pussy. So, Timmy, was it the plan? Were you like, I'm gonna. Let's have a baby. I was in Florida. I was fishing and I came in from fishing. You caught a baby while fishing? Yeah. And I came in from fishing. She's like, I'm pregnant. I'm like, yes. It's awesome. Awesome. No, it's been great. I almost missed it. You don't do. You don't want to miss that. You almost missed it. You almost missed what? Having. Having children. Oh, the birth it's unbelievable. Tell us about it. Is that how you dressed? He wears camo. Did the kid try to call, Crawl back into the. When he saw you? Wow, that's a little dark. Tony, come on. My wife's watching this. I think. Do you think being. Being a new father, do you think you're gonna start to, like, get your act together and. Well, I don't have a job. I don't. I, I. I hustle. I hustle acoustic eggs and. Okay. Do some engineering, some session work. And. Tony, bro, you better get good at making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or something. That is going to leave you. Tony, will you do me a favor? Yeah. Will you ask me about the low point in my musical career? Sure. There you go. What's the. What's the low point in your musical career? When I was playing guitar for Blake sheldon for about 10 years. Okay. Is that it? You're just. You're just taking shot at a guy that. It was not good, Tony. Why was it not good? I mean, I was throwing my life away. Would you like to expand on that at all? Well, the low part, the low point, we did Good Morning america and, like, 6.2 million people watch that show. Yeah, that's what they said. And I was standing there. No way. That song, Some beach. And I was thinking to myself, there's 6.2 million people just watching me throw my life away right now. That's. Listen, can you guys play any Blake Shelton songs? No, we can't. No. You can't play any? No. Well, that's a YouTube copyright. Are you just taking shots of Blake Shelton, a guy that paid you for 10 years? The whole reason I'm here. Okay, well, that's good. No, it's not. The whole reason we don't. Like. I thought it would be interesting. It's not. But I will let you play a guitar. Heidi, are you back there? You have the house guitar. Is that thing tuned? We keep it tuned. Okay. We keep it tuned. Heidi. There she is, everybody. The lovely Heidi. We got a cord for that. We know what we're doing here. Is there anything to drink? What the do you think this is, dude? Michael, hand him that. This. This is like a dream right here, people. Crack it open for him. Michael, open. I need a pit. They took all my shit and made me put it in that bucket back there. There you go. Take a sip of that. Here's to all the lesbians. Just take a fucking sip of the water. Jesus Christ almighty. Take a sip of the fucking water. This is taking way too Long. I see why Blake Shelton fired your ass. Very good red band. It's a great mouth noise that we needed. I need a pick. Awesome. You need a pick. What else do you need? A fucking. Some lyrics and talent. Let's go, dude. Let's go. Come on. You just hit D madness in the head with your guitar. Get up there. You guys gonna play with me? Just play for a little bit. They'll join in. Jesus Christ. It's gotta be an original song. Hey, hey, hey. Timmy, Timmy, look at me. Timmy, you have to play an original song. You can't cover something, okay? YouTube's got wacky rules and they'll give all the money to Blake Shelton if you. You play his music on the show. Well, I mean, it literally can't be the same chords and sound as anything else. You've been playing guitar for six years. You don't have one original. So I have a cut on Blake, you said you're a songwriter. Yeah, I do. You cut one of my songs. I played guitar on that fucking record, too. Do you have anything that isn't a famous song or a published song at all? Well, it was supposed to be the next single off the purebs record, and I got fired. And then I didn't get my song singled and it cost me about a million. Can you do a solo? Just really rip it? Yeah, just. Just. Just destroy on guitar. Campfire burning on a Mississippi riverbank My own pickup speakers are cranking out a lot of Hank, Sheriff's daughter dancing on my hood with an empty bottle this can't be good. Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it. I've now been informed that he is indeed covering someone else's song. I wrote that song. Song? What do you mean you wrote it? I wrote that. But it's. But it's out there by somebody else. It's. It's a cut on a Blake Shelton record, and I. Okay. Jesus Christ, Timmy. Do you not listen at all? Oh, my God. Was your parents 60 when they had you? Red bat. Wait, what's your sound when you do a good one? No, you had that one sound that we play. It's been so long since you made a good joke that we literally. Oh, there it is. It's this one, right? Red band with a joke that made the whole room laugh at once. Timmy, we appreciate your approach. We're going to have to edit that one. One part out where you played the song because it literally. The publishing on that song. I. I'll pay you to leave it in. I don't believe you. I don't believe you. Google this can't be good by bl Writer. It says Timmy Ditz. I swear to God. All right, Timmy, you're out of here. I love you. Good job. Here. It's good enough for a big joke book, I'll tell you that. Entertaining interview. There he goes. There he goes. There he goes. There he goes. Goes. There he goes. Timmy, go. There he goes. Okay, go. Jesus Christ. Back to Nashville you go. Tony, I. I don't mean to be like, paranoid or anything, but he really violated that microphone while he was. Oh, it was unbelievable. His nose, his lips. You guys couldn't see from where you were, but his entire face days is a little worried about whoever talks into it next. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. They're. Maybe we can switch it. Yeah, they're going to get some. They're going to get some. Her Nashville herpes from the 1960s. All right, your next comedian, ladies and gentlemen. She's been on this show before. Funny young lady, goes by the name of Emily Wade, everybody. Here we go. I'm from Boston. You can't really hear it from my accent unless I say certain words like fak or khakis or suck my fucking dick, bitch. You know the classics. My guy friend heard my accent once, and he was like, emily, I think it's kind of hot that you have a Boston accent. Do you use it in the bedroom? I was like, what the fuck do you think I do in there? I'm just like, how to. Faster. No, you show me who's in charge. Daddy, I want you to pack that big Mack truck right in, have a garage or whatever. Caddy B says, I was having sex recently, though, and he was hitting it from the back, and out of nowhere, I just turn and go. Use me like a fucking fleshlight. Sex stops immediately. Nothing will get you softer than Mark Wahlberg's voice coming out of my body. Thank you guys so much. Wow. Emily, wait. Wow. Unbelievable. That was fantastic. You've been on the show before, but that was your best set yet for sure. Thank you. Welcome, welcome. Remind everybody how long you've been on stand up. Coming up on three years now. Three years. And you're originally from Boston, but before this, you were in Miami? Yes, I was. Is there anything you miss about Miami? Besides the hookers? Yeah. Is there anything I really miss? The weather. It's fucking cold in Austin. Even though it, you know, it only gets to, like, 60 degrees out here. Yeah. Well, it'll get warm. Say the least. It's gonna get real Hot. That's fine. Is there anything you miss about Boston? Yeah, the people. We're such assholes up there. I love it. I made eye contact with somebody on the train the other day and I was like, why the fuck are you looking at me, dipshit? Avert your eyes. I'll go. Yeah. Sorry. No, it's great. You really are from Boston. Fuck yeah. And how's Austin treating you? What do you love about Austin, Texas? You know, I really love the outdoor people. They always bring entertainment. It's fantastic. I'm never bored here. Are you talking about the homeless? That's a great word for them. I've never thought about that before. We have a lot of outdoor people here. It's brilliant. She was talking about, like Patagonia vest guy. A lot of people dress like Timmy D out there. A lot of camouflage muscle shirts. Outdoor people. Amazing. Amazing. And what do you do for fun around town when you're not doing stand up? Emily, I don't want to tell you what I do because I don't want to make you make me do it. But I love karaoke. Oh, my God. Well, unfortunately, we already had a guy do a little karaoke right before you. I swear to God, I wrote that song, Tony. Oh, shit. I just accidentally had another baby. I love it. What do you guys think about Steve O? Tim? What do you guys think about Emily? I loved it. And I'm just mesmerized by the tattoo of a jellyfish. Hey, my eyes are up here, Steve O. Yeah. All I can see is this jelly. Why did you get a jellyfish tattooed on your arm? Okay, so I'm really scared of the ocean, like, but I love the ocean. And one day my karate sensei, like, showed me his tattoo. Your karate sensei? He's overpowered. Yeah, yeah. I'm a second degree black belt. Are you serious? Yeah, but don't ask me to show you anything because I'm kind of fat and out of practice. No, come on. There must be. Can you do just one little front kick or something? Can you beat the fuck out of the. No. She's so pretty. You want me to beat the shit out of the blue haired liberal? Yeah, actually, she's perfect. Blue haired lady that looks like she wants to protest the show. Why don't you just take a. Take a front kick. Let this poor. Let this ice protester from minute from Minneapolis take a. All right. What kind of shoes are you wearing? Nikes. Yeah, you could throw a kick. Throw a kick. Come on, Michael, give me that kick music. Whoa. Oh, my goodness gracious. That's incredible. I'm here all week, so let's go back to it. Your karate sensei. Karate sensei had a tattoo. He had a tattoo of a spider. And I was like, why the fuck do you have a black widow spider? He was like, I'm terrified of spiders. So he was like, I put something that scares me on my body, so I have to face my fear every day. And I was like, 15. I was like, whoa, that's so fucking deep. And then I got money and my buddy tattooed me in his bed. And it was a jellyfish. So, yeah, that tattoo looks like it was done laying down in bed. That's incredible. Steve O. Is that why. Is that why you have a tick on your forehead? How do you know about that? My sensei told me to get whatever I'm most scared of. If I did that, it would be a vagina on my forehead. Wow. You have a jellyfish. That's incredible. Yeah. Red Band's thinking about getting. He's going to get a peanut butter and jellyfish tattoo. Wow. Emily, what else was going on in life since the last time we saw you? Anything else crazy? I did my first three feature spots in the past year, which is very exciting. Nice. Thank you. Longer sets. For those of you that might not know, that's the spot in between the opener and the headliner on the road, usually. I'm ready for my opening 20, 30 minutes. It's a growth spurt. Your karate sensei would be very proud. He did me very well. Well, Steveo, who did you feature for? I featured for Davy Jacks, and then I did, like, two different feature spots in, like, showcases. Oh, sweet. Do you have any other tattoos? Nothing as nice as your eyebrow one. Oh, thanks. I have. I can show you. I have this one. Sorry, my bad. I'll clean it after, guys. It's fine. This one says never Less. Ooh. And this one says Nevermore. And again, I thought it was deep as fuck. Okay. Wow. Oh, wow. You must be scared of bad tattoos. Sit on it and rotate. Emily, I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday. Boom. You just got booked on this secret show. Here's the big joke book. Emily Wade, ladies and gentlemen. Growing. I love it when people get better and better on this show. Sometimes every once in a while, people stay stagnant. People get worse. Turns out that one minute that they did the one time was their best minute. And they haven't been writing. How about one more time for Emily Wade? We're going to keep it moving on here. Hello there and welcome. This podcast is sponsored by Zip Recruiter. What's the latest trend in hiring? Skills based hiring, which emphasizes capabilities over education and direct experience. According to experts, this leads to faster hiring and better job performance. I hire well. I mean, look at this bag of potato chips right here. And if you're an employer who's adopted skills based on hiring, the best way to ensure that your applicants have the right skills is ZipRecruiter. ZipRecruiter recommends smart screening questions to help you hone in on that perfect match for your role. And right now you can try it for free@ziprecruiter.com Kill Tony everybody knows that I asked Heidi a lot of difficult questions questions to get this job. Redban Tony I love ZipRecruiter. 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When you use code tonight, Tony, that's code Tony. To get fifty dollars in daily fantasy lineups when you play your first five dollar lineup prize picks. It's good to be right. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Blake Apatow, everybody. Here we go. Great to be here. What's up, folks? I don't know how y' all feel about immigration, but I feel like all things, we need some balance. Like, I think we should build a wall. We should also install a doggy door for hot Latinas. We need them desperately. I think we should import millions of gorgeous Latinas. And for every Latina we import, we can deport one obese white chick. Maybe 2 to 1 or 3 to 1. I don't know what the exchange rate it is. My big white gal. It's been a tough year. My best friend died from a fake Xanax that had fentanyl in it. Yeah. He would take Xanax to help him chill out now. He's about as chill as you can possibly get. Eternally chill. My other friend facetimed him the night he died. He still feels horrible. Feels like he could have saved him somehow. Imagine how I feel. I sold him that Xanax. Thank you, folks. Blake Apatow, welcome to the show, Blake. Thank you, sir. How are you doing? Wonderful. You've been on before, right? Yeah, recently. Yeah. This was better than last time, right? Definitely. Much better, yeah. Hell, yeah. You've been picturing this and preparing for it mentally. Yeah, brother. And writing and doing open mics. Definitely. How often do you get up on stage A week. Yeah. So just in the last couple months, I've really found, like, an upshift. I was probably doing on average the last couple years in Austin, maybe three minutes a week, and now I'm doing like 30 minutes a week. There you go. It shows. It shows, my friend. Amazing. Loved the ideas the whole way through. Did you really have a best friend that died? Yeah, it's actually he was like, my middle school best friend, and it's kind of a complicated death, you know, because we jacked each other off as middle schoolers. Ah. Now our secret is. Yeah, it's safe. It's six feet underground. Yeah. He made you come and you made him go. Hell, yeah. Absolutely. Obviously you didn't really sell him that Xanax. That's a joke. Correct. Okay, correct. Because I had to ask because you literally look like you sell smells bad. Xana. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People try to buy coke from me all the time. I bet. You look like an outdoor person. I get that. But he looks like a really hot outdoor person. I mean, yeah, it is amazing. I work in the neighborhood in. Some hotel valet went like the other day, he saw me, he's like, dude, I don't know your vibe. I can't figure out. I can't figure out if you're a billionaire or homeless. Yeah, that's fair. Percocet, Forrest Gump. Yeah. Chris Dilaudid. Yeah. You get a lot of girls. You're a good looking guy. You dress like a. Like a. Like you're like you're trans or something. I do okay. I do okay. A lot of women just like, instantly. Yeah. Either feel me or they don't. I guess they make it very clear if they don't. Sometimes I'll kind of wander up in short shorts, shirtless and flip flops and around like Lady Bird Lake and instantly a girl. I won't. I'll just go to say hi and I'll be like, not interested. All right, fair. That makes sense. We try. But every once in a while, one of them is into it. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Any of them with alive dads? Ah, I don't know about that, brother. I don't know about that. Can you give us an example of a time that went extremely well for you? Ooh, yeah. You ever just. You ever just bang a chick against a tree there at Lady Bird Leg? Ooh, one time I went on a Tinder date by the Lady Bird Lake and she was. She was a mom. And we kind of strolled for an hour. It got dark, and then we sat at a bench and she ended up blowing me twice. Twice. Twice. I didn't even want the second one. Oh my God. I'm like, that's amazing. D Madness is going to meet this girl right now. Enjoy, brother. Enjoy. Where the fuck is Lady Bird Leg at? That. This? Heck yeah. It's amazing. She made you come twice. Well, I guess when you're used to getting jerked off by middle school boys, it's pretty exciting. Get your dick sucked on a park bench and now you would know. So explain to us twice how much time is in the middle there? And are you using bluechew, using the promo code? Kill Tony? Sounds like a good idea. Maybe in the future. Future. But no. So we Were kind of just hanging out and people were coming, you know, slowly, sporadically. And then we started. Started kind of hooking up, started going for it, and then it was very hot because people were coming. Like, she had to. We had to stop the blow job multiple times and, like, kind of pretend like we were doing nothing and then, like, cover it up and very hot for her to resume that. What did you cover it up with? Oh, I just. We threw the pants on quickly, and then I kind of, like, threw my leg over. I was curious if you maybe had, like, a newspaper or something. Yeah. And so one of the times she makes you climax. Oh, yeah. And then how much time goes in between the first blowjob and the second blowjob? An uncomfortable amount. I wasn't even ready really for the second one. It was. It was clear that she wanted that 20 or 30 minutes. No longer than that. Two or three minutes. Wow. Yeah. But it was so hot. Like, I'm not even an exhibitionist, but I guess then I discovered I kind of was. Was. And. And I don't know. Yeah. And it's like. It's beautiful. I know. I mean, obviously, blowjobs are amazing. Anywhere but in nature. Yeah. With the sounds of the little evening squalls and. Yeah, and that. And that's just. That's just you. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Amazing. Do you know how many kids this mother had? She had one. How old's that kid? I think it's seven. Wow. Yeah, think about that. He's got a. You were all seven. At one point, your mom could have been sucking outdoor people at the park. Think about that. And no one wants to believe that your mom would do it, but just remember, she did. Your mom's also. All right. Amazing red band Tony. What kind of car do you think he drives? This is easy. I'm gonna go with a bird scooter. Now you are a Mitsubishi Eclipse clips. Oh, the 06 Mustang GT. Okay. But currently you're on. You're on the money scooter, right? Yeah. So I am, right? Yeah. It really is a scooter, but I prefer the lime bike. That's like, classy to me. That's like the millionaire kind of version of the scooter. Hell, yeah. What do you mean currently? What happened to the car? Well, I got a d. Yeah, no, 100 a year ago. Really? Yeah. Yeah, spot on. Just. Just almost wrapped it up now. Take us through that. Oh, God. What exactly happened that night? Okay. Couple drinks with my co worker and a couple comments that came back to kind of haunt Me that night I was like, wow, I'm so proud of my drinking. Lately I've been being so responsible. And then I. After like two or three drinks, I went and stopped in to get a drink at my friend's bar. And I genuinely remember that first drink. Nothing at all for the next four hours. Complete blackout. Complete blackout came out of the blackout with multiple cops with firearms on me. Yeah. Yep. Let me ask you this. How many drinks did you have at that second bar? Did your buddy tell you? Did he tell you the next day or whatever? So that's the thing is I, I was too shameful. I didn't even go back and ask, honestly. But I had a number of drinks. Is this buddy the same guy that you blew? Maybe his revenge? You're getting, you're getting all the stories. Crazy cross here. It was a hand job. It wouldn't suck his buddy's dick. I mean that, that'd be gay. And that's the thing is, is we did, you know, we did actually blow each other. Oh yeah. So FYI. Yeah. 13 year old boys give terrible head. God awful. Wow. Wow. Wouldn't recommend wow. Clip it. I'm on my Epstein. That's a brand new sentence. I'm a young Epstein. I'm looking for my Just Lane. Amazing. Just Lane is in prison. Amazing. Blake Apatow. Did you know at the time it was terrible or was it after, you know, you finally had a woman's touch that you went wow, that was actually not that good. No, dude. So bad. It was mid, bro. Yeah, it was really terrible on impact act. But it was so nice to have somebody touching me for, for reference, it wasn't my first blow job I had. I was able to self suck when I was a 13 year old. So it was just nice to have somebody else sucking it, man. Right? Yeah. That ghoul's got to get back to class. Riband. You got any secret show spots left? Pervert. Get yourself a hand job. Red band. Can you still self stuff? Yeah. No, bro. I lost the magic power, dude. Heidi, bring out the yoga mat. Have you tried recently? I haven't tried recently. You haven't? No, I haven't. Now when you would self suck? Tim, hold on to that question because I want to get back to that. But when you would self suck, would you go on your back leg, legs up and over or would you go get hard Indian style hunch over the old master Yoda, you know? Yeah. So I tried everything. I'm an experimental guy. I will say I was kind of a Pro level, though. I could self suck just standing up. I could just bend over and. Can you show us exactly? Can I get a drum roll and you show us exactly? Steve O's very interested. He's getting ready for Jackass 6 over here. Whoa. Very good. Okay. You said you could self suck until you were 13. Yeah. So at what age did the goo come out and how did you handle that? Well, that's the thing is I started jacking off and I had goo and then I was sucking with goo, so I had like a hot six month run. Okay, so what were you doing with the goo? You know what? I was swallowing it by. Yeah. Come on. This is kill Tony 2026. And for that, my friend, you're leaving here with a big joke book. He just catches it in his mouth and swallows it. Blake, appetite. Towel. I love you. Thank you. I'm trying to figure out what was the crazier confession. Sucking his buddy's dick when he was 13 or swallowing his own. Yeah, somehow it's less gay if it's your own dick, isn't it? I think almost everyone agrees. Yeah. Yeah, that. But that was heavy. That was really, really heavy. You know, most people online that have sucked their own dick say it feels less like getting your dick sucked and more like you're sucking a dick. Yeah, it's like an elbow. Yeah. Red band said on an episode that he used to be able to do that. We put. We put it. We put it to the test. His. His head was about three feet away from the belly now. Yeah, the belly blocks everything. I used to only be able to do the tip of it was so horrible. Red band has a four foot long penis, everybody. Wow. Amazing. Let's. Let's get another bucket pull up here before going to one of our great regulars. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Michael Good, everybody. Michael Good. All right. I had to go to a baby funeral, and I'll make it silly, but I don't know why I thought I was gonna see other babies at the funeral. I'm just looking around like, I guess this wasn't one of the popular ones. Wow. That's the only funeral where you can't talk to the coffin with the same voice that you talked to the person when they were alive. You can't just come up like, you might if I say a few words. A. A lady got mad at me recently for saying the word. This woman's like, you're saying the R word. What year is it? Did. And I was like, huh? This doesn't even know what year it is. Bless her heart. Wow. What the. Can I say? Holy amazing. Michael Good has entered the Kil Tony universe. Welcome, welcome, my friend. Where. Where have you been doing comedy at this whole time? So I've been in New York for about seven years now. Two years in Florida and about seven in New York. Wow. You are hilarious, dude. Thank you, man. What brings you to Austin? I was just kind of going down here trying to do shows and I have some friends in the scene, so I was like, let me just mix it up and get down here. Amazing. Amazingly talented. Where do you tend to perform in New York City? My two main spots are New York Comedy Club, then the Grizzly Bear. Nice. Yeah, you're doing it, dude. That's hilarious. How much? What's the longest set you've ever done? Done? I've done 50, but it's stretch like it's like the headliner road gigs that are just like, like, dude, on Saturday it was like nobody below 65 in like Greenville, Texas. Sure, yeah, that happens. Yeah. That's part of the game. But you open for people? Do you feature for people, anything like that? No, I mean I'm featured for one of my friends doing online next month, but then for the most part it's just road gigs and club spot. But like, like, like low level headliner gigs. You are fantastic. Do you make a living doing stand up in New York? No, no, I'm poor as. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I sold feet picks like two days ago, so. Really? Yeah, my podcast listeners, they're into the feet and I waited till the last minute, then I was like, ah, it. We have a D. Madness is in defeat. He's coming back in. He just got done getting a double blow job at Lady Bird. Lady Lake. I still. He thinks it was Ladybird Lake. It was really, it was really just a piss stream in the alleyway, but we told him it was Ladybird Lake. Anyway, Michael, tell us more about your life. What else about you? Such great jokes. So well. Thank you. So perfectly executed. What else? Well, I grew up doing pretty well, so this is a big drop offs. Like I grew up rich. Yeah. Just getting blown in my dad's Range Rover and then now I sell plasma and feed pics. So yeah, yeah. I'm like a washed up Disney Channel star. It feels like just amazing. What did dad do for a living? He works in real estate. Nice. And that was in Florida? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. What part of Florida? Orlando. Yeah. Hell yeah. The home of Cam Patterson. Yes. Did you Know Cam, when you were coming up. So I went back for the holidays because I lived in New York and he buried me when he was like six months in. And I'm like, how long Zach, have I done comedy? Like six months. I was like, yeah, I'm gonna kill myself. That was. Yeah, he's a special freak. He's great. I love it. And so you still live in New York? Yes, I leave tomorrow actually. What's your situation? Like, how many square footage you live by yourself? No. Two other comics under a train, basically. Okay, allow. Is it a two bedroom? No, it's three bedrooms and then toilet though. You got your own bedroom. What part of town? Brooklyn. Williamsburg. Brooklyn. So you're sharing one toilet with three? Two. Two other dudes. Two dudes? Yeah. Wow. What's that like? It is. It's pretty brutal. You can. I can break into my laundry room's bathroom. The. The landlord like locks that. But I'll just go in there and break it if I really have to take it though. Wow, that's crazy. He has one toilet. Three dudes. I live by myself and have three toilets. We're like the opposite. We're like opposites. Michael. Good. It's incredible. I have toilets I've never even seen before. Just to let you know, when you think about me, just remember I love it. What else about your life? Tell us more. You're so funny and interesting. Interesting, dude. Thank you. I. This is. I'm bad with money, so I'm. I'm. I put money towards becoming a UFO field investigator. Yeah. Cuz I want like the id. Like you get a card from this thing called muon, the Mutual UFO Network. And I'm like, dude, to have like a little badge with my face on it seems like I could do a lot of fun with that. So. A lot of plans that don't actually move my career forward. And I'm like, why did I spend 300 bucks on that? But wow. What else else you slinging? Cutco knives or anything like that? Like you are. You just have the wildest money making schemes. It is absolutely incredible. Yeah. I'm trying to think ways to make money or how to. How much money do you have? How much money do you have saved up right now? This is the only show in the world where people ask that question. By people I mean me. I have 600. 300 is borrowed right now. Yeah, you gave away 300 or. No, you're borrowing 300. 300 of the 600s. Borrowed. Who did you borrow it from? A friend or a Parent or a parent. Yeah. Okay. Are they charging interest? Your dad owns real estate. Is there an APR or something like that? No, no, no, no. It was a secret one that my mom's like, oh, we love those secret mom borrowings. I never got one in my life. That's why I ended up wildly successful. But I mean, you can't have. Have people helping you. You know what I mean? You gotta struggle. Yeah, I agree. So what is that extra 300 doing for you? Exactly. What are you doing? What are you doing with that extra 300 that you wouldn't have done had you not had it? Just getting rent covered so I can like. Yeah, and I'm gonna pay it back, of course. Plasma feed pick. She doesn't have to know where I got her. Yeah, exactly. She might be the one to support you secretly without dad knowing. She might be the one buying your feet picks. Yeah. Just something to keep at mind, sweetheart. I just want to like. I'll do anything. Just don't let dad know. Dad's tough on you, huh? Yeah, yeah, but he's. He's a good dude, but he believes in what you're doing. Yeah, yeah. We've got some argument. We got an argument a couple months back. I was like, I don't even want to have this conversation. I've never borrowed money from you. And then like a two months later I was like, oh, I got to ask this guy for money. But he, he's. He's supportive, but like, I don't know, he's like, you know, we'll see. But yeah, I don't know know. Amazing. Amazing. You remind me of the guy from office space. You. Oh yeah, I get that a lot. Yeah. Yeah. How much money do you get for plasma? Like, and have you ever done double red? Cuz that pays more, right? Double. Double what? Double red. No one knows what you're talking. That's like the, that's. How. How do you know about that? Are you selling plasma? Yeah, dude, red pants buying plasma. Yeah, every six months, bro. I think we just found out how Covid started Everybody Red band donating plasma to people in Wuhan. Well, your dad doesn't know you're going to make it. Thank you, dude, I appreciate that. Thank you. Thank you, man. I appreciate a lot. He's a good dude. He just cautiously supportive, no? Your dad. I'm going to beat the out of your dad. I'll tell you what. You've been doing comedy in New York, New York for seven years total. What do you think the greatest venue to possibly play in all of New York is like outside comedy. Like Madison Square Garden. That is correct. And I want you to tell your dad that you will be doing a minute on Kiltoni in August at the greatest arena in the world, Madison Square Garden. You're doing it, buddy. Here's a big joke book. Thank you so much. We'll see you in August at Madison Square Garden. Tickets going on sale extremely soon. I'm technically not supposed to announce that. It's supposed to be a surprise. But we do it every year. We go to Madison Square Garden every year, just like every other podcast does. All right. @blinds.com it's not just about window treatments. It's about you. Your style, your space, your way. Whether you DIY or want the pros to handle it all, you'll have the confidence of knowing it's done right. From free expert design help to our 100% satisfaction guarantee, everything we do is made to fit your life and your windows. Because@blinds.com, the only thing we treat better than Windows windows is you. Visit blinds.com now for up to 45% off site wide, plus a professional measure at no cost. Rules and restrictions apply. Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile with a message for everyone paying big wireless way too much. Please, for the love of everything good in this world, stop with Mint. You can get premium wireless for just $15 a month. Of course, if you enjoy overpaying. No judgments. But that's weird. Okay, one judgment anyway. Anyway, give it a try@mintmobile.com switch upfront payment of 45 for 3 month plan equivalent to 15 per month required intro rate first 3 months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra. See full terms@mint mobile.com Ladies and gentlemen, we have one of the greatest regulars in this show's history here. An absolute phenom. A freak of nature that was once at one point known as the Dark Storm of Atlanta. He's now the Dark Storm of Austin, here with a brand new minute like he does every single week, every single episode. No weeks off. This is Dedrick Flynn. Armadillos are just Mexican turtles. I thought that's what the world word armadillo mean. Cause I've been trying to create some secret ooze to turn these niggas into Teenage Mutant Ninja, Mexican Turtle. You don't even gotta change the name. You know what I'm saying? It's just Raphael, Leonardo, Michael. But I'm Master Splinter. Now that I got y' all in a silly thing, I gotta get to some Beef that I got. Fuck the nigga who made the low battery noise and smoke detectors. N how the fuck I got so many white friends that move next door to me? They smoke detector don't never go off. But when my black ass family move in, that shit be on for 15 years. Nigga, either kill yourself or not. I hate a battery that don't actually want to die. But then I know it's a conspiracy. They turned us into sleeper agents. They want us to be ghetto because in 2001, I opened up the smoke detector. And if y' all remember, Duracell used to be able to have these buttons that you could press and see how much energy was left in the battery. Nigga, it was full. I'm done. I'm such a shit. Too fast. Dead drinking. Unbelievable. Every single time. My God. Oh, my God. So many great references. The armadillo really is a Mexican turtle. Your tail take on the battery is incredible. I forgot about Duracell's amazing technology back then. Yeah, it was an interesting thing. I mean, you would almost. What? We would kind of take things out just to check. You would, like, take the batteries out? Yep, still there. Super cool technology. It was. You know why it. It chirped, though, even though the battery was full? Say something mean. I know. No, it's because that means the sensor was done. You had to replace it. It wasn't the battery, it was the censor. It expires after like three. How come my white friends didn't have no sensors? Right, well, please tell me more about your fucking technology that your people did to my black people to make us poorer than what we thought. Because we can't have a full conversation about somebody going, yeah, well, we did this. We have. We have the same thing. The white people have the same thing. But when we hear it, we do whatever it takes to stop it. That shit be over there, Tony. We ain't got time. I gotta knock down cobwebs and shit. I gotta go outside and be black. In the 90s, it was a lot, Steve O. I did what it took to stop mine. I got a fucking broom and I fucking javelin that thing. No more smoke. Detective, have you ever thought about taking a gun, holding its side and shooting the smoke detector. Yeah, the other day I got a fucking gun and I fucking went up there and I fucking. I robbed that nigga's voice. No, that's my impression of you. I'm so sorry. It's not me being mean. I love you. Black people love you. Thank you so much, man. I love You. I love you too, man. Ain't it uncanny? That's my black Steve O impression. Wait, this is Steve O saying nigga, nigga. That's amazing. That's amazing. I've always wondered what it would sound like coming from that voice. Nigga. Y' all gotta check out Wild Boys. Y' all gotta check out Jackie Potter movie. Black Steve gonna be in there. I think you got a new character. Yeah. Steve O. Harvey. Welcome to the Fuse, dude. So why. Let's go to the AN scoreboard. Family Few says number turtles. Not you. What do you call Mexican turtles. So, Dedrick, you did it again. What else have you seen? An armadillo. I've seen a lot. No, I saw one when I was high and I never want to see that nigga again. They really are a freaky little girl, that. Them niggas move too quick, you know? That's why they not turtles. Yeah. A turtle take his time. Say what's up to you. Can I cross here? Yeah, like an armadillo. That nigga just run up on you and he want to. He want a taco or some shit like that. You know what I'm saying? It's really like a armored raccoon from Mexico from my dad research and seeing one of them niggas and I never want to see. I keep actually two more. I'm moving back to Atlanta. If I see two more armadillos, why the y' all got them out here? We should do something. You can't even eat them niggas without getting like a STD or some shit like that. Cuz I looked into it, Tony, you know I cook. I wanted to make some armadillo fried rice. Amazing. How about bats? You've seen a lot of bats here in Austin. No, I'm waiting for the bats to come out. Yeah, I bought a little mini bike and I bought a Batman costume and I'mma go be the. You might have bats in your place and not know about it because they hang from the ceiling and chirp every once in a while. Oh, but I think black. Like bats. Not blacks, but bats. Meet the Bat History Month is. Meet the Bat. Bats it is. It's Bat History Month. March is Bat History Month. Was that your joke? You put the mic down immediately. Tim, we're friends. Don't do this to me. I was say bats are just black birds. That's why they be hanging all the time. Let's go. The butterly Hinchcliff connection, alive and well. Oh, man, I wish I was well equipped to say something Back, but just. You wish there was an nword for white people. They have crows, though. Oh, we do have. They have. They have white word. They have like nwords for white people. You can't say. Yeah, crows. Crows are different, though. That's a whole different. They're out there working the fields and everything. That's a whole different world. You guys would never. The. The bats eat the insects because I googled it. Cause I was dating a white witch one time and that bitch had a bat box in the backyard so she could have bats to take care of the mosquito. Because down south all mosquitoes bigger than me and like, they gotta eat all that. That's why we got lightning bugs. I don't know you. Y' all like lightning bug. Y' all calling what fireflies out here? That's dumb as fuck, nigga. Them shits is called lightning bugs in the real self. You know what I'm saying? I remember lightning bugs very well. Awesome. I don't really see them. No, they don't have them out here. They don't have them out. You know, Batman didn't have a either they got those ones. It look. Wait. Red band, ladies and gentlemen. Bring up the sound effect. I don't know if you guys heard it. It happened quick. He's not one that's known for timing and enunciation, but he did just crank another home run. He did. He said Batman also didn't have a father. And just for that, my friend, you. Oh, he can't find his own sound effect. Dumbass. 13 years. That's from William Montgomery. He told me tell you, you dumbass. Wow. Red band with two jokes in one episode. If you have that on your bingo card. If you bet. If you bet $1 on Poly Market, you just won $5 billion. That is the first time redback Batman be Robin. Also. Sunset. Sunset. Wow. Wow. Come on. Wow. Yeah. Redman on his today. Do you believe in miracles? USA beats Canada in hockey. Yeah. And red band pulls a hat trick on kill Toby. This is unbelievable. Someone's going to drink himself to death tonight. I can already tell he's there. He's gonna be holding court in midseat. So gather round, kids. Let me tell you how I got to this point in my life. Shout out white dad. That's what I call red man. White dad. Oh, my God. Dedrick, you're the man. You did it again. We absolutely love you. You're watching a shooting star. Ladies and gentlemen, live in the flesh, the one and only Dark Storm of Austin, Dedrick Flynn. What an episode. You guys having fun out there? I know we are up here. All right, your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Gus Swanda. Gus Swanda. Here we go. Thank you. I recently moved back to the United States after living in South Korea for 30 years. So I'm experiencing a bit of a culture shock. The biggest difference is the things you can't say now in America that you could. Thirty years, you can't say. Apparently, you can't say homeless. You have to say unhoused. I tested this theory out. I saw a homeless guy the other day, and I said, do you prefer the term homeless or unhoused? And I will never forget what he said to me. It was so poignant. He said to me, stop stealing my thoughts as he stabbed me repeatedly. I'll put that down as an unhoused after I get back from the hospital. You know, you can't say the word retard anymore. That's a new one. You have to say Democrat. Yeah. You know, a mechanic kicked me out of his shop the other day just for telling them that I blew a tranny. It's like, that's homophobic. I'm like, no, it's just I drive too hard. And the worst one, you can't say anymore. Go ahead, Go ahead, finish it. No, I mean, you have to say a bundle of sticks with which to start a fire with. You know, I mean, but that's so long. I mean, that's a good word. I. I love. All right, all right, all right. There you go. You did it. Gus Swanda, Welcome. Okay. How long you been doing stand up, Gus? I started in 2007. Wow. I started in 2007. Did you? Yeah. That's the same level of success I could see. I love it. I mean, you went on to make all those great Mythbusters episodes, and I focused mostly on the comedy. Comedy, yeah. Why didn't I think of that? What have you been doing the whole time? Where were you in 2000, 2007, when you. I was in Busan, South Korea. Busan. Busan. Yeah. And we had a comedy group. You know, pretty big community there. It's like the second largest city. Seoul had a comedy group and we tour around. I was lucky enough. Remind me again, where's Pusan? It's on the very southern tip. It's on the coast Beaches. It's known for its beaches. South Korea. Oh, sorry. Yeah, sorry. Okay, go ahead. You were saying? And. Well, you know, I was fortunate to meet and open up for some really big name comedians. Comedians like Kyle Kinane. Danny Cho. I'm good friends with Tom. Tom Rhodes. Nice. Yeah. So I came back here. I was a university professor. And where at? In Busan. Oh, you were at Busan University. You taught English? No, I taught international relations. So I came back here and I tried to do that, and I found out I can't do that. So I thought, well, you know. Do what? I love comedy. And I found out I can't do that tonight as well. How old are you? How old am I really? Or how old do I tell people I am? Jesus, you're also gay. Anyway. Sometimes you find out the answer to two questions at once. How old do you think I am, Tony? Hell, yes. How old does my look? Did you bleach it? How old are you, Gus? I'm 55. 55. How old do you tell people you are? 53. You think it's worth it? You think the juice is worth every squeeze on that one? Yeah. Shave up. You know what? You know what? I swear to God, if you were two years older, I wouldn't be down, but I'm gonna suck your on a park bench towards twice in three minutes. All right. Wow. Call back to earlier, Gus, A call back is when you. No, I'm joking. What? No, I think it's so funny. Call me back later and we'll work on. Whoa. Are you actually gay? No. Oh, okay. Gosh darn it. But I really want to be on the secret show, so. Whoa. That's Red Band's deal. Look at him. I'm. He's taking a phone call. He's taking a phone call. Rogan, man, Come on. He's got pretty big, dude. Rogan, Rogan. I got three big laughs. Tonight on Kill. Tony, did you bring back any good Asian women? Dead Asian women. Good, good Asian. I was married for 10 years. Wow. Yeah. You met her there? Yeah. What went wrong? All right. Okay. All right. Another callback. No, it's not. It shouldn't have gotten that. They're literally just rooting for. It was. They're rooting for the underdog at this point. Or in this case, the under pig on fire. Tony, stop hating, dude. The problem was communication problem. For example, like, one time she came home all excited, and she's like, huh? Honey, honey, the man on the first floor is therapist. And he just moved in. And I was like, oh, well, Koreans really don't believe in therapy. How cool is that? Does he speak English? And she's like, yes, he was therapist in America. And what she really meant to say was, the man on the first floor was the rapist. And he was a rapist. Well, I didn't know that. So I saw him in the elevator, and I'm like, wow. You know, I heard what you did. And he's like, oh, you did? I said, yeah. And, you know, I really sometimes would just like to come over and just unload. We swap stories. I would like that very much. It never happened. You're a silly goose. Okay? I am. What did your wife do for work? What type of massages did she give exactly? No, it's okay. Cheap ones. What did she do? She was an artist. So nothing really. I mean, like. Like, she didn't really earn any money. But sex was good. Yeah. And did it last the whole 10 years? Why did it fizzle out? Well, I wanted to come back to America, and she really didn't. And, you know, it ended amicably. Amicably. I mean, I only got three minutes of material out of it, so had. Had it been more contested. She only got 3 inches of material out of it. She did. Go on, Gus. Wanda, give us one more crazy fun fact about your life. Life. I just want to say that a guy named Jace I met this weekend, he's supposedly some really lucky guy. He put his hand on me, and he's like, you're gonna get on Kill Tony. I. It wasn't him. Oh, it was. The odds of this happening are literally like 1 in 250. Yeah. And you just got lucky. It was my hand. Oh, okay. My hand going through. I just want to say thank you to Tony's hand. Well, you don't have to thank anything. You have to thank me for the creating this format. Okay? I just don't want some guy that thinks he's a psychic getting credit for you. I just like to thank Jay. Who? He's a homeless guy at Nues and fifth Street. He put his hand on my shoulder, and he's like, you're gonna do it, dude. Well. Or he makes ads and as Cena and Kill Tony. All right. Well, well, Gus, the set was. Okay. Here's a medium joke book. All right. Come back again sometime. I will. Here goes Guswanda, everybody. All right, we're flying through it. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Jerrel Beeman, everyone. Jerrel Beeman, ladies and gentlemen. What's up? What's up, man? I'm happy to be here in Texas, man. I actually live in a spot called Dayton, Ohio. Yup, yup. And that's all it gets right there. That's It. That's it. Now, for real, man. People don't get too hyped when I say I live in Dayton. It always gets real weird and awkward and quiet, you know? And I get it, man. Y' all must not be a big fan of a heroin I see. Cause that's all we got in Southern Ohio, baby. All we got is heroin and fat white women. That's it. That's it. Hey, hey, but hold on. I'm addicted to both, okay? No, stop it. Stop you laughing at the truth. Stop it. Stop it. He more like Drel. Why don't you move out of Dayton? You so talented, man. You should move. But I won't. Cause the rent's too low, man, so cheap rent. My crib right now is $217 per month. Now, the week before I got it, I found out that a triple homicide happened right around the corner, which explained a lot. But when I found that out, that shit had me thinking about killing four people just to get that rent down to 150. Absolutely hilarious. Jerrel Beeman has arrived. A lot of new names and faces tonight. It's a fun show. Welcome, Jerrel. What's up? Hell, yeah. How are you? I'm good, man. I'm feeling. I'm feeling good and gravy, man. Thanks for having me. I love it. I love it. What a great set. You look fantastic. You look like you took a convertible rocket here from never. Never quite seen somebody who looks more blasted back than you do right now. I was feeling the outfit over here. Not exactly sure what video game character you remind me of. I don't know if it's Sonic or Tails or exactly what's going on here, but. Jerrell, how long you been doing standup? I've been doing standup about seven years now. Seven years. I love, love it. And you still live in Dayton, Ohio? Yeah, I travel all around, but I'm based in Dayton. What keeps you in Dayton? The rent. Nigga, that rent's fantastic. I can't even imagine. Can you tell the people here exactly what your situation is? Well, at first I was living in the ghetto that was helping me out, paying that, that. But then I started living on campus with my girlfriend, and that was real cheap. I've been with her for five years. Clap it up for young black love Clap it up, Clap it up It's a black woman. A black woman. I know, I know. Yeah. It's not a fat white woman. I know we all. We all thought, but no oink. What does your girl do for Work, man. My girl, man, she's a full time musical theater student and she works at a grocery store, which means we're broke as. So yeah, I'm the breadwinner. Yeah. Hell yeah. What grocery store is it Kroger? Nah, it's Myers. Okay, we know Myers very well. Redban and I are both from the great state of Ohio originally. So is Tom Segura. Okay. And young Jamie. Okay. I was waiting for more. I didn't know. I thought it was more. Dave Chappelle spent a lot of his youth there. So did Richard Pryor. Okie dokie. Big names don't matter either. Matt Rice. Harvey's from Cleveland. Yeah. Steve Harvey. Absolutely. We could go on and on. I don't understand how we last so long. Must have superpowers. So, Myers. And you make all your money doing stand up or you do a little Uber Eats? Yeah, man, you do. No, no, no. Stand up mostly just, you know, doing shows, selling merch. Producing shows. A lot of it from producing shows. What's your merch like? What is that? Well, my merch, man, it's these little stickers of me with my image on them and got my social media at the bottom and they donation base. Oh, okay. You know, people give me what they feel from they heart, you know, $1, 5, 10 would, you know, whatever it is. But after the shows is how I sell them. I put a cardboard sign around my neck since I'm begging. Fuck you. Since I was begging and the sign says I'm not. I wish I could have brought it out. But the sign says I'm funny, but being a broke comedian ain't no joke. Please donate, nigga. That's what it says says on the B. I added in the nigga. Right now there's no on the sign. But. And it helps me out, you know. But producing shows mainly is what kind of helps me put on my own. But you're staying in Dayton where the rent is cheap, but it's also tough to make money. Yeah, yeah. Have you ever thought about moving with your talents, you know, seven years experience, have you thought about moving to a city that might have a better economy and more opportunities for you? I've. I've thought about it, man. You know, I'm starting to really build up a lot of shit in the scene out there where I'm kind of like on top of this like mountain a little bit kind of fish in a small pond. But you're going to die in Dayton if you keep building that mountain. Yeah, exactly. What is your rent Just be honest with us. I got to know exactly what the rent that keeps you in Dayton is. Well, my rent now is. Is different. I live in Huber Heights now. Oh, Huber Heights. It looks like I'm not the only one with three toilets here. Well, I didn't realize I was talking to royalty. Jerrell. Jarell. Jarell. He lives quite a life of luxury in Huber Heights. Oh, you must be the only black in the neighborhood. The population of black people is like, 2%, and when it went up. When I moved, it went up 2%. That's how black I am. I'm wearing my own name on my jersey. That's how black. I'm very black. No, when he drives down the street, every white person's like, there he is. There's the one actually currently on the Cadillac. That's not working. So that's. That's how black. Wow. I. Wait, I'm getting word the. It's now three. They're counting that 3% in Huber Heights. They're. They're counting. Your Cadillac is one of the. Well, it doesn't work. It just sits around all day. Might as well be black. Yeah, the rent now is, like, at. It's like 700 now, so that's still amazing. So you and your girl are splitting 700 rent? I. I wish. Splitting. No. She's gonna kill me for saying that, but. No, no, that's. That's all me. It's you, huh? You. You let her keep her grocery store money? No, she keeps all that, man. She needs it. What. What did she spend it on? She takes care of the phone bill. You know, she got phone bills. Oh. Oh, my goodness. So you got. Yeah, she. She phones other things. You know, honestly, these are questions I should be asking her. Tony, I. You kind of me up. I was like, damn, what the. If I'm helping, she pays for the phones. But does she also pay for the beepers? I'm talking about. I'm talking about your smoke detector. Of course. My smoke. Ah, nah, that's. Yeah, I gotta find out what's going on with that. Do you have a smoke detector in your apartment? You don't even know. The stereotype is incredible. I don't know my living. You're making me question my life. That's what I do to people. It's a lot of fun. Did you. Did you hear that? Do you know what that is? Is that the smoke detector? Yes. Very good. Since you answered that correctly. No, but yeah, a lot of it, too. Producing. I produce my own shows. And take them out on the road sometimes. Do you know our friend Layla Ingalls? Oh, yeah. Layla's the little homie. I fussed with her, man. That's my little, like, minty man. Yeah, she's a little thing. Let's check in with. Let's check in with Steve O here. Steve O. What does. What do you do to produce a show? I'm just trying to picture that. Maybe I'm dumb, but you're gonna love it. You're gonna love it. Actually, it's called Black Ass. Touring everywhere. But not, like, what kind of shows do you produce? Yeah, I help run out things. It's on the independent Closer where we book different acts. But a show that I produce myself is actually called Jerell's Will of Comedy, where, like, I get me and my co host, Kakaroo. Y' all could guess. All right. Wait, you said the word of the day. What's your co host's name? Kakaroo. Wow, that's crazy. Yeah. How do you guess? What? Race? How do you spell that? How do you spell that? C, O, C, K, A, R, U, E. Cockaroo. Cockaroo. For some reason, every time you say that, that weird noise plays. Yeah. Yeah. It's actually scaring the shit out of me right now. I wish that smoke detector was back on. It's freaking me out. But, yeah, me and Kakaroo, we co host it called Jerrel's World Comedy. We invited guests, you know, comic on the panel with us. And what we'll do is we'll bring different comedians that we locked in for it, and they have a winner. Jerrell's Will of Comedy, they spin the wheel, and whatever the wheel lands on based on the topic, they gotta do a joke based on that topic. So it'll be like relationship joke or crowd work or, you know, family joke, dirty joke. And they just do it on that. And we take that show about four different clubs out in the Midwest. Awesome. I'm sorry for asking. I saw it in your face, Steve O. I fucking saw. Check in with the great Tim Butterly. I'm actually gonna be in Dayton in March, and I would love to have you on my not so secret show. Look at that. Oh, my God. He really is. It does say date in here. What are the odds of that? That's incredible. Yeah. Yeah. I wish I. I could, man. But I take it back. You, dude. Looks like. It's just I'm already featuring on a show in Hartford, Connecticut. Wow. You know what, Tim? I have a suggestion. I think Cody, can you edit that part out? I'm going to say something mean now. I really want. I have good news for you, Tim Butterly. While Jerrel is not available. Available. You can book Cockaroo. You gotta book. No, you don't want to book Cockroach. Oh, me and Kakaroo are doing heroin and dating. Dude, you can't stop us. I almost, almost accidentally threw my wallet at you. J oh dude, that would have been fantastic. Well, it ran off. We do have from the great Bonsai Hairy joke. Look. Oh my goodness. There he goes. Jarell beaming everybody. An exciting time this is. What an episode. Let's keep the momentum up. Here we have one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the entire show's history. How about a hand for Heidi and Val? Their hit podcast Love on the Line is available@Heidy Regina.com be sure to follow the band the Kill Tony band on YouTube and Instagram and follow Bonsai. He makes the best stuff made out of leather in all of Texas. This episode is brought to you by White Claw Surge. Great podcast pick, friend. No surprises there. After all, you're all about finding the tastiest flavors out there, just like White Claw Surge. And with big bold flavors to enjoy like blood orange, BlackBerry, cranberry and more and more. Time to go all in on taste. Unleash the flavor. Unleash White Claw Surge. Please drink responsibly. Hard Seltzer with flavors 8% alcohol by volume White cloth seltzer works Chicago, Illinois I get so many headaches every month. It could be chronic migraine, 15 or more headache days a month, each lasting four hours or more. Botox Onobotulinum toxin A prevents headaches in adults with chronic migraine. It's not for Those who have 14 or fewer headache days a month. 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Literally, perhaps the best golden ticket winner in the history of the show. Make some fucking noise for the one and only Martin Phillips, everybody. What's up? Hey. The medication I take is called oral Baclofen. I take oral Baclofen because I don't want to take anal Baclofen. You know, it could fall out. You know, some people smoke weed through an apple. I smoke through a squash. So when I'm high, I'm like, oh, I'm so squashed right now. Let's get squashed. Try to make it a thing. Okay. Scientists say, scientifically speaking, you can sleep with your second cousin. And. And I don't know, it sounds like that scientist just had a really hot cousin. You know, I did the research. It's cool. Yeah, that's it. But hilarious. Martin Phillips. Martin, welcome. Another very, very funny set. I'm. This backpack that you have. Can I ask you what the hell's I brought? All right, so the. Is that. Is that. So does that to help you stand up straight? What exactly is that? It's a parachute. In case I follow. Okay. Child's backpack. Yeah, exactly his style. Yeah, it's cool. It's just what you needed to look a little bit more like a pedophile. Okay, so the most negative feedback I get it is nobody wants to hear my voice. So Steve gets it. So. Okay, I'll admit this is a child's toy, but it changes your voice. Oh, my goodness. So we had the option of robot, ghost, alien, or monster. Ooh, what are you gonna say into it? Do you already. Do you have a pre planned thing that you're gonna say, hey, we can redo the joke and see if it's better. Oh, my goodness. Which one do you. Let's do. What are you doing first? Robot. Here we go, the robot. Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen. This could be the future. Wow. Perfect. Wait, wait. Okay. Oh. Sound like now that the robot. Right? Okay. I really only hear you saying, what's the deal with airlines, food, that thing? Wow. Stephen talking, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my goodness gracious. Let's hear that. Ghost, ghost. Yeah, I want to hear the ghost, dude. Wait a second. What? This thing is crazy easy. It's a ghost of a robot. Wait a second. I know. This is for. I know how to work this. This is for 5 year olds. I can. Yeah, you could do it. You could do it. Was that in the backpack that you stole from the kid? I can't. They can't afford this book bag. Okay, okay, okay, okay. This might be monster action. Wow. This is still a grasshopper. This megaphone does every voice from Epstein's Island. This is incredible. There's. There's. There's child ghosts, there's Stephen Hawking. Is there a Bill Clinton on that thing? This is alien. It's what? Alien. Okay, it's gonna start speaking span. Wow. Is there anything left? What's left? Did we do monster yet? I think we did my. I think there's this regular megaphone. Oh, that's gonna be great. Black helicopters. This thing might be a piece of shit. Yeah, for all. For all the parents out there. Let me review the. Let's switch it to alien. I have an idea. Let's switch it to Alien, shove it up Steve O's ass and let you rip a fart. All right. Martin, you got anything else in that backpack? No, I just. Just. Serious question, though. Is that your real backpack? Do you wear that backpack around? Because that's hilarious. I don't use it that much, but it's. It's a cool, stylish book. That little Asian girls backpack. No, it's cool. Okay. It's sweet sugar. Tim Butterly. Imagine how disappointed the guy that robs him on 6th Street's gonna be. What the. This stupid ass megaphone, man. I can't even buy no crack with this. Yeah. No. Oh. So. Okay, I made it worse than I usually sound, but you are. Yeah. Unbelievable. That was so entertaining. Yeah. The haters. Goddamn right, the haters. The haters. One more time for the undeniable Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen. Wow, what an episode. We're coming around the mountain here. You're coming around the corner. Two more bucket pools. Let's get through it. Your next one goes by the name of Freddy Do Lessi, everybody. Freddie Dulesi. Here comes Freddy. Make some noise for Freddy, everybody. I just realized I think everything is a little racist. Like, my brother got a Tesla five years ago, and in five years, Tesla went from clean power to white power, just like that. That's crazy how you hate people but love the environment. That's like if the KKK was like, yo, we not burning no more crosses. We LED lighting them. Strobe effect. We ride at dawn. We're solar powered. I don't know, man. I think everything a little racist. Cause I'm from Virginia. Virginia. You know, Virginia's racist. Like, we don't have sports teams. We gotta support the D.C. teams. I didn't even know the football team's name was racist until the first game I went to. It was the Cowboys versus the Redskins on Thanksgiving. That's not a game. That's a reenactment. You know, that's like if they had a team called the Tops and they play the you on Juneteenth like that. Absolutely fantastic. Freddy dul. This your first time on the show, Freddy? Yes, sir. Welcome, welcome. You live in Virginia still? No, I live in Austin now. How long ago you move here? About an hour and a half. A year and a half. Hour and a half. About an hour and a half, Tony. I just got year. Wild, wild success for an hour and a half. Yeah, you know, I try my best. I love it. What do you do for work? I'm a sign language interpreter. Really? Are you a real one, or are you like those fake ones that get caught and get in trouble? I. I'm a real one. I'm a real one. Really? Do something in front of D Madness. D. Tell me what he's signing it. Oh, wait. Oh, I think I got it backwards. A little backwards. I love it. Dee's back here talking to. Shut the fuck up, motherfucker. You know I can't see that shit. I love it. Freddy, do you get a lot of work doing that? Doing what? Sign language. Yeah, yeah, not too bad. I do mostly, like. I interpret, like, phone calls for deaf people. Got it. So, yeah, that's most of my days. So, like, you are on the phone and the deaf person's sitting next to you? No. So a deaf person calls me on FaceTime, and I, like, answer the phone, and then I just call a hearing person. Inform. Okay, let's do it. Let's mimic a call. Let it ring one more time. Hello. Are you. Are you white or black? Oh, wait, they're not blind. I keep thinking that they're blind. They're not talking. What is wrong with my brain today? If that was the case, they would have called themselves. What the is wrong with me? No, I'll tell you. Like, it's like. Like a woman will call or something, and she'll be like, hey, I'm calling the doctor's office. Like, set up an appointment for me. And she'll just be signing. And I'll be like, hey, yes, my name is Britney Thompson. And then, like, the receptionist be like, you don't sound like Britney Thompson. You sound like a man. You know? And I'd be like, It's 2026, Tim Butter. I think Tony was Kind of on to something, though, is there? Do white people and black people do sign language a little bit differently? Yeah, black people. Black people are like, you need to have a blood transfusion. We need to go to your doctor's appointment. On the west side, are white people, like, hitting the consonants hard and you guys are just, like, vibing with it? Yeah. No, white people, they sign in public. Black people sign in private. You know. What do you mean by that? It's. It's dangerous. If I'm just outside signing. That looks. It looks. It's amazing. It looks like I'm gang banging a lot. Very well. Yeah. I love that. So let me ask you this. Like, every 30 seconds, does your smoke detector go like it does? I love it. We need to find a smoke detector sponsor at this point, because we are just crushing. Where are you? First alarm. Yeah, first alarm. Get in. The podcast game. It's the only thing in entertainment people are actually still watching or listening to. Shout out. First alarm. Use the promo code. Kill Tony just to let them know we exist. All right, Freddy, what do you do for fun? What are your. Oh, you did hear. I did hear that. Is there a sign, like, is there a sign for the word beep? Beep? Yeah. No, just like beep or something like that. What's the craziest. What is the most shocking sign language thing? Like, I once did. I once did a show where there was a sign language person, and I said it was a. It was a white woman, and I put her on the spot and I said, white penis. And she was like, I can't remember exactly what it was, but it was a thing or. Right. And then I go, black penis. And then it was longer. Yeah. It's like, why? It's like, white penis. Yeah. Black penis. Yeah. You know, something like that. How about for the word enema? Enema. Yeah. What the is that? That sound like some gay. I'm not even going to lie. What the. You are. Your instincts are not that far off. You have. I think you do. You have a dick on your forehead right now. That's. That's absolutely insane. Right? Yeah, I've been getting a lot of comments on my. My forehead tattoo. Yeah. A lot of compliments, Tim Butterly. You really don't know what an enema is? No. Explain it to me. Okay. It's like. Like a. You lost me. Stick it up the butt and you squeeze it and you fill your butt up with water so you can blast out everything out of your butt. Why the fuck would I know what that is? Bro, he made $20 million on this, Okay? Show some respect. Can you sign this? Okay, what you want? You stick it up your butt. Nope, not doing it. I'm not doing it. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't. You're making doctor's appointments. You might have to know this stuff. Yeah, but mostly for, like, STDs and like that. Really? You specialize and making calls for STDs? Can you explain yourself? I can't even laugh at that. I get paid from them, so no, like, one. I mean, it's tough. Like, you never know what you're going to interpret. Like, one time, I had to interpret, like, a doctor's office, and there's a deaf doctor and there's a hearing patient, and the lady was, like, signing to me outside. She's like, hey, it's going to be quick, 10, 15 minutes, but heads up. You got to tell this person he has cancer. Oh, my God. And I'm look. I'm looking at her like, we ain't telling him shit. You know what I mean? Like, you went to school to learn how to tell someone they have cancer? I went to school for, like, two years, and I was like, best I could do is chlamydia. You know? That's the best I could do. So you didn't tell the guy that he has cancer? No, I just let him die, you know, I just. Perfect. I didn't. I didn't give him cancer, man. That was his plan, you know, his destiny. You didn't even give him, like, a. I was just like, yeah, that's it. No good. Wow. Tim Butterley. Well, I don't want to ask this one a lot, but. Oh, this is kind of. Does sign language have the N word? Oh, great question. It. It has. It has the N word. I sign it all the time. We'll blur it out, but can you show us? I. I can't. It's too many white people in here. Come on. I can't tell it, bro. Come on. You ever been beat up by deaf people? They got the strongest hands you've ever seen, bro. All they do is practice hand muscle strength, and I can't. You trying to give me $100 to show me the N word in sign language? Me. Right now. Send it right now. Send it right now. All right, all right. Don't do it. It. What the is. Matt, shut the up. Don't do it. You know how many talented black guitarists there are waiting to take your spot? Matt, shut the up. Don't do it. Don't do it. Well, you have a choice to make here. Well, you know what? I. This the thing. This the thing. Deaf people with comedy, they. With the show. So they got even to sign for Tony and like that they got signed for. Oh, I know what that is. Tim Butterly. Catch. Tim Butterley is the new guitar player on Kill. Tony starting next week. I'll be in Dayton, Ohio sometime in mar. He's gonna be in Dayton with. What the. Was it, I don't know, cockroach or something? Seriously, we gotta know what's the sign for the N word? Are you ready? No one wants it more than the lighting guy. Obviously, he's been putting that spotlight on you. He's back there. He's got it dialed in. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the N word. We are about to change the world. By the way, when this episode comes us out, we are about to. Just when you thought there was less racism than ever, white people are about to learn away to call people the NWORD without them knowing. And here we go. The man that changed the game, the Booker T. Washington, if you will, of signing the N word. Some people are calling him the Barack Hussein Obama of the sign language world. Breaking down barriers. Righty, Hope and change. This is the nw. Hilarious. We have any big joke books back there? Yeah, we have a. We have big joke books out back. We've run out of them here today, but. Freddy Delesi. Unbelievable. Freddy Das. Freddy D. What the is a Dulesi? What is that? Well, you put an I at the end of your name. No, it's not an eye. It's an exclamation point. It's an exclamation point with the dot touching the line. By the way, the dot is on the top for an eye. The dots at the bottom. You're so used to signing, you don't know how to write any. Incredible. What the. A Dulcie. I don't know. I know. I thought I was. I was expecting a Italian guy to come out. What do you want? I could see why your last name is due less, by the way. I do too much as you know what it is. You know how I go. A great set, fun times, unbelievable interview. Thank you so much. Freddie. Do less. All right, final bucket pool the night. We are running deep into overtime, ladies and gentlemen. We're gonna do a quick set and a quick interview with Kendall junior To close the bucket portion of the night. Kendall junior. Y' all remember the first time you heard a black British guy talk? It's like, you're not supposed to sound like that. Unrelated, but you ever see a girl a little too close with her dog? And thank God, I hope I ain't fucking. That's all I gotta say. Meth heads, though, you know, I've been thinking, they probably do have the best pullout game. Cause of all that copper wiring. Eh, Eh. But when a meth head has found the one and she's got one of those copper IUDs, they cannot help themselves. And someone wants to be a father. No. I did know a girl once, she had so many abortions, she didn't even have a landing strip. It was just a Gaza strip. Kendall, Kendall, Kendall. You've been on this show before, right? Yes, once. What did we find out about you in the interview portion that I found interesting about you? That I was once a super fat heroin addict. Yeah. Is there anything that's changed since your last time on the show? I gained five pounds. It's. It's. It's a mess. No, no, there's nothing. I got in a. Like, my car got like rammed into. It was crazy. Outside of my house. I had to get a new one. Who rammed into you? It was a drunk guy outside of my house, just rammed into it. It was crazy. I was almost getting into it with my girlfriend. So it was like a whole thing you were getting into? Yeah, like we were about to leave, like at 7. It happened right at 7. Supposed to get out of there. I had back surgery like crazy before, so it would have sucked because I would have, like, needed another. Another one. But it didn't happen. I'll tell you this, man, you have great premises and you don't finish them. Black British guy, you're not supposed to talk like that. In other news, and it's like you should have. You have great setups. The copper with the meth head, you think when they find an IUD like you, you have this thing where you have great ideas and you're not finishing them. You're taking the. You're taking what would be the note in the. In the book that you write, like, like a set list and you're just saying the thing and then you're moving on. Does this make sense? No, I can understand. Yeah, yeah, I follow you. I was ready for the mess. Meth head pulling out to be hilarious. Yeah, yeah. And the same with the black British guy. Like, there's so much there to draw from. Yeah, yeah, No, I understand. But you're doing what you did with your premises, what you did with meth and you're just quitting. What I think is you should just keep going. Yes. Here's a little joke book, buddy. We got to keep it moving. It's been a very long episode because it's been a very, very fun episode. And we started with William Montgomery. We had Dedrick Flynn. Ari. Maddie is doing so many sold out shows on the road that he's adding Monday headlining shows in different cities. It's unheard of. We've created so many monsters that they're not even available for the show anymore on a Monday, which has never happened before in the show since history. However, I do have one last trick up my sleeve. One very, very special moment. Because your next comedian is very rarely available. He's not one of those guys that does every single week. He is as special as it gets. An anomaly, in fact, the only person ever, ever on the show in which I let him do whatever he wants. To be quite honest with you, he scares me. I'm intimidated by him, and I hope that one day he lets me open up for him in the arenas that I already do. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a force of nature unlike anything we've ever seen before in this show's 13 year history. Ladies and gentlemen, dare I say, this is Timmy. No break. What's up? My name is Timmy. No breaks. And welcome to Timmy ass. You got a Jesus fucking Christ. This guy won't let people say the N word or play the fucking guitar. This is insane. Okay, on my neck is a shock collar, and in my hand is the remote. If you press this orange button, it will shock me. Now if I bomb, one of you guys will get to shock me. I won't bomb because I don't bomb. But this, this is the bombshot collar. This is fucking terrible. Now because this is a dog collar, I will give it to this lesbian bitch. Jesus Christ. No, you can't start the timer. But redband. Did you guys see during the Olympics how that girl Lindsay Von broke up? What the are you doing, you dumb. I'm in the setup. Wait for the punch. Hold it up, lady. Hold it up a little bit so that we can see it. There you go. And keep kind of not that high tone. This is an uninterrupted minute. I know. Shut the up. I know. Just keep it there so that we can see when you do do it. This is show Bisley. Take it from the top. Here we go. And action. Did you guys shut the up? Matt, I'm trying to do the minute. It doesn't even Sound like the thing I'm about to say the N word. If you do it again, I'm going to freak out. Okay, start the timer. Now. Red Ben. Here we go. Did you guys see the Olympics? Had that, that scare. Lindsey Vaughn broke a leg. You know. Sad. You know where that wouldn't have happened? The kitchen. Boom. You. What the are you doing? I did. Bob. Relax, relax, relax. I'm going to be honest. I, I, I love the women's Olympics. I do. Yeah, I do. I think every woman's sport should only be televised once every four years. Suck a dick. Boom. What the fuck? You fucking bitch. Guys. Everybody give it up for the women's hockey team. They won't gold. Yeah. Yeah. Finally a positive video featuring white woman and ice. Take that, you lesbian. Boom. Murk. Ya. All right. One more. I love the wnba. I do. I really do. I'm serious. Yeah, I mean it's lame that they can't dunk, you know. It's just a bunch of twos and threes. They're ugly. Bull. Fuck. All right. Okay. Relax. You gotta fucking relax a little bit. Wow. Does this guy have a dick on his forehead right now? These are getting big, pops. Is she really hitting it? Yes. Why are you hitting it so much? Ladies. Having the time of her life. She has waited what appears to be 45 years to have this kind of control over a man. This is incredible. We need to get. We may have solved how to fix every blue haired woman in America. Give them one day the man in a shot collar. Unlimited power. Who is this guy? No, I'm serious. Who the. No, Tim, but who the is this guy? You don't know who you are. You mean. You mean you're just paying Jackass homage? I don't understand what's Jackass Shock this. Hold it down. Stop. Stop. That thing's not working. Stop, stop. We need to turn it up. Is there a die on that? Is that what he taped over? Take the tape off. My name is Timmy. No breaks. And this is the copyright infringement. On the count of three. Get it? The band will play Limp Bizkit. Snooki. And this entire episode will be demonetized. 3, 2, 1. Go. What the. Okay. Oh. I. I turned it up to 10. Don't do. I'm not. Both. I'm not. There's tape on the side of the deck. Hold on. It goes. It goes up to 15. Why did you do this? You stupid. You cut. Why'd you do this? Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. It's fine, all right? Just. If I If I bought, I'll give it to you. I'll give it. I'll give it to the guy you don't know. He won't do anything wrong at all. Okay, all right. Okay. All right, everybody. Everybody relax. Okay, Everybody relax. All right? I mean, just do my next segment. All right? 15. Seems you're not in control anymore. This was never supposed to go past six. Hi, my name's Timmy. I'm so scared right now. Hi, my name is Timmy. No breaks. And this is the taste test. Heidi. Oh, my God. Inside of that cup is 3real actual fluid ounces of horse cum from a man. Tone, Your challenge is to not drink it. Redman, put 30 seconds on the clock. Let's get a spotlight on Pone and some dramatic music. What the fuck is this? It's horse cum. He's picking it up to drink. Really? Looks like it's very thick. Don't act like you don't know exactly what that is. Steve O. Is that horse cum? There's. There's a horse pubic hair in it. I'm going to throw up. Dude, don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. You. You don't have to drink it. Just. Just keep it there. Okay, Go. The next segment. We'll go. Okay, let's do the next segment. Steve. Okay, we'll go back to Steveo here. Let's just slide it here. You had a bunch of come before this and you're full. I told you not to. I told you not to. He had come. He's full. I understand. I get it. Son of a. I get it. I get it. Okay, I got one backup. I got one more. Okay, 15 hurts. That's enough. Stop, stop, stop, stop. I'm gonna fucking kill you. I'm going after this show. We're gonna go to Mitzi's bar and I'm gonna punch you in the dick so hard that it falls off. And none of the gay guys are gonna be able to suck it anymore. That's what's gonna happen. Okay? It's fine, it's fine. Hi, my name is Timmy. No breaks. And this is trivia for retards. If you get the question wrong, and these are fifth grade level questions, you have to take a sip of Tone's tap water. Tone, you have to continue to not drink the horse cum if you get it wrong. Okay? But we're gonna up the stakes. Heidi. Give it up for Heidi, everybody. That's all right. There's no way Tone is going to be able to Resist that horse. Come now. I'm just gonna reach over and do it. Wait a second. Shut the fuck up, Tone. I'm moving on to the questions. Okay. All right, Steve O. Let's start with you. Tone's tap water was created by A, Tone Hinchcliffe, B, Tone the Tiger, or C, Liquid Death? I'm gonna go with A, you do not have to drink that water. Next question is for you, Tim. In 2020, in a 2025 double blind, peer reviewed study conducted by independent researchers, what was found in Tone's tap water? Was it A, mercury, B, lead, C, arsenic, D, Teflon, E, Zyklon, B, F, Zyrtec, G, msg, H, blue ch, I, horse cum or J, all the above? J, all of the above. Nailed it. And you didn't have to drink that fucking piece of shit. Okay, red band for you. Where is Tone's tap water sourced? Is it A, Flint, Michigan or B, all the above? Above. All the above. You don't have to drink Tone's tap water. Last question. Tone, this is for you. Who flew on Epstein's private jet eight times? Was it A, Barack Obama, B, George Bush, or C, Donald Trump? I have to buzz in for the answer. Okay, all right. Okay, all right, all right. This I'm to going to leave right here. And I'm leaving right now. You Timmy. No breaks, ladies and gentlemen. I bet 16 hurts. This episode was brought to you by Tokova's and ExpressVPN. How loud can this place get for the great Stevo? Go to Stevo.com. he's all over the place. The country. All over the world. The Crash and Burn tour. He's the man. One more time for the great Tim Butterley, everybody. Tim Butter.com for tickets. Columbus, Dayton, Boston, SOMA May 23rd here in Austin, Texas. Thank you very much, Tony. Hell yeah. Amazing. Thank you, everybody. Thank you to. Of course, Steveo. Anytime, Always. You guys are always a part of the family. Red band. Check out the Sunset Strip. ATX.com Every Thursday Secret Show. The drawing from Ryan J. Belt is in. We're at the Intuit Dome in la. We're doing a lot of crazy. You're going to find out all about it. New York, Vegas. A bunch of crazy announcements coming up that I'm accidentally leaking right now. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Whoa, Steveo. I guess he didn't add the hair yet. I. Unbelievable. Where's the dick on my forehead? The hell was I going to say? Drink the c. Drink the. Drink the. Drink the c. Drink the C drink the we love you guys. Thank you so much, so much. Make sure you follow the band follow bonsai go to killmerch.com A lot of brand new merch, state of the art stuff. You're absolutely going to love it. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night everybody. Sam. It. Monster Energy. Everybody knows White Monster Zero Ultra. That's the OG it kicked off this whole zero sugar energy drink thing but Ultra is a whole line up now. You've got Strawberry Dreams, Blue Hawaiian Sunrise and Vice Guava and they all bring the Monster Energy punch. So if you've been living in the White can branch out. Ultra's got a flavor for every vibe and every single one is Zero Sugar. Tap the banner to learn more this Women's History Month Paramount plus celebrates with the Women who Move Mountains Collection. Let it ride. For the women who take control and push boundaries in Landman Under Underestimating me is how I buy you out. Who forge their own paths and stay true to themselves in the Madison. This is the most love I have ever shown you. 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