#761 - KIM CONGDON + ADAM RAY

Summary

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Kill Tony #761: KIM CONGDON + ADAM RAY

Date: March 24, 2026
Location: Smart Financial Center, Houston, TX
Guests: Kim Congdon, Adam Ray
Hosts: Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban
Description: A raucous, fast-paced live comedy experience where comedians draw names from a bucket for a chance to perform a minute of standup, followed by interviews and roasts by the hosts and guests.

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Episode Overview

This special on-the-road edition of Kill Tony, taped at a packed Smart Financial Center in Houston, brings returning hall-of-famers Adam Ray and Kim Congdon back to the panel. The episode is a classic blend of rapid-fire sets, candid interviews, and unsparing roasting, with plenty of local flavor and audience participation. From golden ticket winners to total first-timers, each comedian navigates the infamous 60-second set followed by wild banter with the hosts and guests.

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Notable Segments & Discussion Points

1. Opening & Introduction (05:06–08:18)

• Tony Hinchcliffe kicks things off, celebrates Houston, and brings out guests Adam Ray and Kim Congdon (“arguably, statistically, the greatest guest in Kill Tony history”).
• Bandleader intros—shouting out the ensemble and crowd-pumping.

2. Golden Ticket Winner: ENRIQUE CHACONE (08:18–13:48)

• Notable Set: Tales of growing up in Southwest Houston, animal rescue to impress a girl, and locals’ casual use of the N-word.
• Quote (09:54): “Every time I wanted to say the N-word, I would snap a rubber band on my leg.”
• Chat about DACA status, blending in by drinking Busch Light, and “reciting the Ten Amendments.”
• Memorable Moment: Tony and the guests riff on Enrique’s hometown and style, blending local humor and social commentary.

3. First-Timer, MAX WISSINGER (14:39–21:01)

• Set Highlights: Jokes about looking young, being gluten-free, and working in supplements.
• Quip (17:01): “People call me R.F. Gay Jr.”
• Interview teases Max’s style—always ready with a new punchline. Good-natured roasts focus on his appearance and material delivery.

4. JAKE MCFARLANE and the “Black Comedian” Routine (24:27–31:25)

• Set: An intentionally provocative riff on sexual exploits and racial stereotypes.
• Best Roast (26:21):
  • Kim: "If white pussy tastes like nickels, what does black pussy taste like?"
  • Jake: "Like cocoa butter and original wings."
• Notable Story: A meandering but crowd-pleasing tale about a confrontation at a black comedy show, pulling a gun, and being “Jigaboo Jake.”
• Memorable Tagline: “Not black. Not black. Not black.”

5. COLIN SLEDGE – Golden Ticket Hometown Favorite (32:18–39:22)

• Finger-blasting quips and UTI jokes:
  • “God gave us ten fingers, so we should be finger-blasting all the time.” (32:18)
• Jokes about parents in the crowd, working at Express, and old mall tales.
• Vasectomy tales, hair transformations, and “dumping loads.”
• Guest Flirts: The panel jokes about Colin’s transformation since getting a girlfriend.

6. UNCLE LAZER’S Houston Homecoming (60:03–68:25)

• Manic, southern storytelling about the Houston Livestock Show & Rodeo.
• Quote (62:21): “She’s Louisiana, she’s Cajun... the proper nomenclature is 'queef.'”
• Wild Story: Losing virginity at 12, a “trailer three-way,” and a comedic bit about a black man’s mythical status.
• Memorable Roast (68:02): “The only kind of downs black people get are first downs on the football field!”

7. KYLE CLINTON – Substitute Teacher, Ex-Meth Head (69:05–77:26)

• Jokes about Kentucky roots, cousin dating stereotypes, and being a “crystal Methodist.”
• Interview: Opens up about meth addiction, wild substitute teaching stories, being called “Mr. Epstein,” and surviving student bullies.
• Notable Exchange: “You really are a pussy-ass bitch.” / “Kid was right.” (75:09)

8. NUNZIO GIANNI – “The Halftime Show” Flop (78:03–85:14)

• Miami transplant falters with nerves but reveals he grew up in a funeral home and that his mom works at strip clubs (as a VIP host).
• Adam and Kim advise to lean into his Italian/Puerto Rican heritage for authenticity.

9. YOUNG – Rising Star, Golden Ticket Winner (86:57–93:05)

• Set Highlights: Zings about “racial calendar months” and bloodlines—“Where I grew up, they don't ask about race, because we’re better at keeping our bloodline pure.” (87:02)
• Memorable Quote: “I aborted a half-black baby. Rest in peace, Laquinxia.”
• Reveals her mom had three abortions before her—leading to jokes about gender preference in China.

10. SMITHY – The “Dancing Ass” Truck Driver (94:22–105:23)

• Raucous minute about gay friends, the changing times, and old Black men.
• Quote (95:34): “I’m not gay, I’m just competitive.”
• Reveals military background, moving for Kill Tony, struggles with insomnia, and pigeon-toed walk.
• Dance-Off with Adam Ray (104:44): Crowd-pleasing highlight—“Go, pigeon toe, go pigeon toe, it’s your birthday!”

11. HANS KIM (125:09–135:36)

• Set: Houston, race, crime, and his “honest Hans” persona.
• Tells an explicit story about a double-team gone wrong, complete with anatomical details and “tickling” sexual preferences.
• Best Panel Exchange:
  • Tony: “So your soft penis was in her mouth... did you tell your friend you already nutted inside her?”
  • Hans: “I lubed him up.” (130:07)

12. DEDRICK FLYNN – The Dark Storm (144:00-151:05)

• Shouts out Houston and Pimp C; tells a hilarious story about “chasing that iodine poisoning.”
• Discusses Atlanta and Houston life, drinking, and the stress of New York comedy clubs.
• Sporting new BUC EE’s gold chain.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• "You know, a place that you need to visit, though, Tony, is Biss in that, bro. You got to go to Biss in that." – Enrique (12:00)
• "Sometimes you have to save the kitty to eat the kitty." – Enrique (09:46)
• “I look like Lizzo’s waiter, bro.” – Enrique (13:31)
• "If white pussy tastes like nickels, what does black pussy taste like?... Like cocoa butter and original wings." – Jake & Kim (26:15)
• "My German half likes to turn the bathroom into a gas chamber." – Max (20:30)
• “She said, ‘You gonna make this pussy shard.’” – Uncle Lazer (60:50)
• "God gave us ten fingers, so we’re supposed to be finger-blasting all the time." – Colin Sledge (32:18)
• Hans: “I lubed him up.” (130:07)
• "Rest in peace, Laquinxia." – Young (90:19)
• Dance-off: "Go, pigeon toe, go pigeon toe, it's your birthday!" – Tony (104:44)
• Jasmine gets her first kiss in years on stage—from a white-bearded audience member (123:12)

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Highlighted Timestamps

| Segment | Timestamp | Notable Action or Quote | |---------------------------|-------------|---------------------------------------------------| | Tony intro/guests | 05:06-08:18 | “Tonight’s guests... Adam Ray and Kim Congdon...”| | Enrique Chacone | 08:18-13:48 | “Every time I wanted to say the N-word…” | | Max Wissinger | 14:39-21:01 | “R.F. Gay Jr.” & German/Mexican gene jokes | | Jake McFarlane | 24:27-31:25 | “White pussy tastes like nickels...” | | Colin Sledge | 32:18-39:22 | “Ten fingers... finger-blasting…” | | Uncle Lazer | 60:03-68:25 | “She said, make this pussy soir...” | | Kyle Clinton | 69:05-77:26 | “Crystal Methodist... Mr. Epstein...” | | Nunzio Gianni | 78:03-85:14 | “Mom’s a VIP host at a strip club...” | | Young | 86:57-93:05 | “Rest in peace, Laquinxia.” | | Smithy & Dance-off | 94:22-105:23| “Go, pigeon toe, go pigeon toe…” (104:44) | | Hans Kim | 125:09-135:36| “I lubed him up.” (130:07) | | Dedrick Flynn | 144:00-151:05| “I ate so much shrimp I got iodine poisoning.” |

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Guest Panel & Tone

• Adam Ray brings high-octane energy, physical comedy, and sharp riffs (including a wild dance-off).
• Kim Congdon shines as the cool, sharp-witted foil, calling out self-awareness in comedians, pushing for more personal material, and consistently landing self-deprecating and crowd-pleasing roasts.

The panel is irreverent, multi-layered in their ridicule, quick to riff on local Houston culture, and perpetually pushing comics and guests into wild territory.

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Episode Tone and Takeaway

The tone is chaotic, raunchy, brash, and deeply interactive. The Houston crowd is wild (sometimes booing, sometimes roaring), and the panel isn’t afraid to double down on edginess, race, and sex jokes, or to turn bombing sets into gold with ruthless (but often good-natured) roast commentary. This episode is a showcase of what makes Kill Tony unique: a roulette of real talent and total trainwrecks, all made hilarious by comedians who know how to mine the moment for every possible laugh.

For new listeners: Expect a rapid rotation of upstart comedians, lightning interviews, unsparing honesty, and a live crowd riding every moment. Watching new comics succeed, and spectacularly fail, while pros volley with them, you get a sense of the raw underbelly and hilarious risk that defines the scene.

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[END OF SUMMARY]

Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything.

[B]

The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe.

[A]

You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever. Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Who's ready for the best night of their lives?

[C]

The undisputed number one live podcast in

[B]

the world is coming to Wrestlemania.

[A]

Tony. Triple H. Have you seen these auditions? Hey, hey, Tony.

[D]

Last year I became the most must

[A]

hear rooster of all time. It's comedy you're looking for.

[E]

I don't like to brag, Gabby.

[B]

A party show. Let me show you what I can do.

[A]

Is this thing even on a priest?

[B]

And a Rabi walks into a bar?

[A]

I didn't really mean everything I. I said that night. This is going to be insane. This is going to be awesome.

[B]

Kill Tony. Saturday, April 18th. Tickets on sale.

[E]

Hey, this is Redback coming to you

[A]

live from the Smart Financial center here

[E]

in Houston, Texas for a brand new episode to Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony. It's good.

[A]

Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? Make some fucking noise for Brian Redman, everybody. Oh, my God. How about one more time for the best damn band in all of Sugarland? The great Michael Gonzalez, Raul Vallejo. Carlos Sosa. Fucking Raul Vallejo. Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, John Dees. And that right there is the great D Madness, everybody. Matt Muhling on the Electric. We got everything in place. This is very, very exciting. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. So good, so good, so good.

[E]

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[B]

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[A]

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[B]

Light them up.

[C]

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[B]

That is fantastic. And critics say it's one of the

[A]

best superhero movies of all time.

[C]

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[A]

now streaming on Disney Plus. Rated PG 13.

[E]

What time is it, Ben?

[B]

It's clobber time.

[A]

I gotta ask. Houston, Texas. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? What a pleasure it is to be on the road in my favorite state in the United States of America. Holy shit. What a beautiful day. 80 degrees and sunny. You can't beat it. Tonight's guest, two of my favorite human beings in the world. Two of the greatest Kill Tony guests of all time. Very hard, very hard to book this show on a Saturday night when everybody that touches the show is a sellout theater act. But I did the Lord's work for you as I present to you multiple time over, without a doubt, arguably, statistically, the greatest guest in Kill Tony history and the first ever regular in Kill Tony history. Tonight's guests, ladies and gentlemen, are Adam Ray and Kim Congdon. Oh, yeah. Live in the flesh.

[G]

You name it.

[A]

The man who gets promoted by Dr. Phil, Jeremy. What's her name? Elaine. Elaine. So many characters I forget sometimes. Wow. And the great Kim Cong. Didn't everybody? And she is currently being stalked by many men.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

So I'm here tonight.

[F]

I have a gun.

[A]

She's got a gun. She's got a new dog. Everything's happening. And ladies and gentlemen, here he is. Kill Tony hall of famer, multiple time guest of the year, Adam Ray is here. Great to be here.

[C]

Great to be here. Thanks for having me. Houston, let's go. Houston, home of Hakeem Olajuwon and, I don't know. Fat. Fat sex. I don't know.

[A]

Yeah, a lot of.

[C]

So, yeah, yeah, I looked. I looked up fun facts on the airplane about Houston and it said, you guys eat out more than any other city in the world. So, yeah. Yep. This guy. That's not what I was talking about. I meant like fast food, but for sure, yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Right here.

[C]

Later, hopefully in the Uber.

[A]

Hell, yeah. There is a lot of blacks in Houston. And what I've heard, they don't eat out at all. I don't.

[C]

That's not what I was talking about, but yeah, for sure. Yeah, they probably are.

[A]

El Tiempo is here. How many El Tiempo fans do we have out there? El Tiempo, gosh darn it. The home of the Colorado. You guys ever been to the Colorado before? It's a fun place. All right, you guys know how this show works, everybody. If I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up. When you hear the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry. Is there a gay part of Houston? They all said it at once. What is it? Montrose? Oh, yeah, you gotta wrap it up then, or else you bring out the angry Montrose bear. Oh, yeah, that's a big gay bear.

[C]

A little southern twang on it, too.

[D]

Hell yeah.

[A]

Rare. Rare. Oh, my goodness. The first name has been pulled. And this is a very special show because since we have been in Texas for over five years now, we have accumulated many great golden ticket winners from the city of Houston, Texas. And tonight, while we go wrangle our first bucket pool. Starting off the show with a brand new minute for us is one of our elite golden ticket winners from Houston, Texas. He got his golden ticket, I believe, when he was 21 years old. Since then, he has worked as Bucky himself at a buc ee's. Make some noise. Starting tonight's show, Houston Zone. Enrique Chacone,

[E]

Houston, Texas. How the fuck we feeling tonight?

[H]

This is looking like a racist Lakewood Church, bro.

[E]

What the fuck?

[H]

I heard that ice is killing white people now, man. What's up with that? You're telling me I can't even hide inside of Lululemon anymore? My girlfriend, when I met her, she was way out of my league. So I found out everything I could about her, man. I found out that she was really into animal rescue. So 2019. Fuck it, bro. I rescued 34 cats, bro.

[I]

Fuck.

[H]

Sometimes you have to save the kitty

[A]

to eat the kitty.

[H]

And that's what I was doing. You can say I was in heat too, man. Anyways, I have an Australian cattle dog,

[A]

a blue heeler at home.

[H]

I like to use that dog for small talk with older white guys. I like a tractor supply. I tell them I have a blue

[E]

heeler, and they're like, oh, my granddaddy

[A]

had a blue heeler.

[E]

That's a very intelligent dog.

[B]

That's a very hard working dog.

[H]

We have a beautiful moment and suddenly

[A]

they remember that their Granddaddy wouldn't like

[B]

him talking to me.

[H]

And that's the end of the conversation. Thank you.

[A]

Enrique Chacone.

[H]

Tony Hinchcliffe.

[A]

Hi, buddy. How are you, my friend? How does it feel? This is the biggest crowd you've ever performed in front of in Houston, Texas.

[H]

It is, bro. It's looking pretty fucking beautiful.

[E]

Southwest Ailey, Texas, in the house. Southwest.

[A]

Wow. What's the southwest of Houston like, exactly?

[H]

Southwest Houston. It's a beautiful place where everybody says the N word, no matter what ethnicity you are.

[A]

Oh, perfect.

[J]

It's.

[H]

That's why whenever I moved to, like, Austin or starting doing comedy, I had to, like, train myself. Every time I wanted to say the N word, I would snap a rubber band, you know, on my leg or something. But, yeah, that's my fucking. That's my hood, man. That's where I grew up.

[A]

And, yeah, I love it. I don't know all the different areas that. Well, I know I was able to convince Red Band to do this show because I said, it's in Sugar Land. And he's like, I'm ready to go.

[B]

That's close to Candyland.

[H]

I'm not mad at that, bro. My fat ass. We're gonna turn Sugar Land into a caramel, bro. What's up?

[A]

Oh, my goodness, Enrique, why are you so fat? Tell us what you eat exactly.

[H]

Well, you know, a lot of straight guys eat, Tony. That's what I do, you know.

[F]

That's not what's making you fat.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What are you putting on? Are you putting a whipped cream on it or something? Or cream cheese or cottage cheese? What is not, you know, protein powder?

[H]

Duck eggs, chicken eggs, bro. We cook everything with lard, dude. This is a normal thing, dude.

[A]

I eat chocolate candy eggs. The Cadbury eggs, dude. I got eggs and ham, dude.

[H]

But you know, a place that you need to visit, though, Tony, Is Biss in that, bro? You got to go to Biss in that.

[A]

What is that?

[H]

This. And that is the best neighborhood in Houston, Texas.

[A]

Why you. You'll have to.

[H]

If and if you're stuck in traffic and this and that, you might as well get your dick sucked. You know, It's a. I will see

[C]

you guys after the show.

[A]

Yeah, but I'm going to go to Southwest. I'm going to go to. I'm going to go between Bisset and Southwest Houston so that I could say the nword while getting my dick sucked.

[C]

That is the American dream.

[H]

It's like, a beautiful plan, Tony.

[A]

I love it, Enrique. Such a fun set. Ice white people. Lululemon I love it.

[H]

So that ice shit got me terrified, Tony.

[A]

Really?

[H]

Yeah, it really does, dude. Cause I have something called the DACA status, which means that I'm a celebrity immigrant. You know, there's only 2,500 of us, man.

[F]

I don't think you should be saying this.

[H]

Fuck it, you know, I'm prepared for the consequences, man. That's why I'm trying to camouflage myself. I don't even drink Modelos anymore in public, Ton.

[A]

Perfect.

[H]

I'm drinking Bush Light, bro. Like some of these river oaks white guys, bro.

[A]

What the hell? Yeah, I love it. Are there any other white things that you're doing to try to hide out, you know?

[H]

I'm reciting the 10amendments, Tony.

[A]

The 10amendments? Did you listen?

[H]

One of those is the right to eat.

[C]

Is one of them to dress like you look like you work at the Olive Garden.

[H]

I look like Lizzo's waiter, bro. What the was I thinking, bro?

[F]

You look like you squeal when someone hugs you.

[A]

You are absolutely adorable, Enrique. And you have the show started for us tonight with nothing but laughter and likability from Houston, Texas.

[H]

Thank you, Houston.

[A]

And we got it started. I love you, Houston. And now we go to the bucket, everybody. There are a lot of of Houston local comedians that have been dying for us to make the two or three hour trip up here. And now it begins. They get 60 seconds and then I conduct an interview with them. Anything can happen. Sometimes people get a little bit shy in front of such a big group of people, so I'm gonna try my hardest to find out. Crazy about your first bucket pool. Doing an uninterrupted set. Goes by the name of Max Wissinger. Everybody, Here comes Max Wissinger to get the bucket started tonight.

[K]

So I was making out with my girlfriend last week. Yeah, Things were heating up. She started taking her clothes off.

[L]

Yeah.

[K]

She was like, max, you look like a kid in a candy store. I said, babe, hey, it's not you. I look like a kid in any store.

[A]

Yeah.

[K]

Just kidding. I don't have a girlfriend. Yeah, I can't keep a girlfriend, all right? Cause they don't feel safe with me because I'm gluten free. I mean, I can't even fight off a little Debbie. It sucks, right? Like someone brings donuts to work. I can't have any apple fritter. Straight to the shitter. Being gluten free is so depressing. The only time I even think about using a toaster is when I'm taking a bath. Guys, come on my therapist said I need an outlet. Thank you.

[A]

Max Wissinger. Welcome. Max jokes about being youthful. How old are you, Max?

[K]

I'm 27.

[A]

Oh, wow. 27.

[K]

I don't even have chest hair yet.

[A]

It's okay.

[C]

Prove it.

[A]

Me neither. I'm 41.

[B]

Matt.

[A]

Yeah? How long you been doing standup?

[K]

So, two, one and a half years. But my first time was on this show, like. Like three, four years ago.

[A]

Yeah, at Vulcan. Oh, okay. Yeah. You made the drive down to Austin. You live in Houston?

[K]

I'm in Houston now, yes.

[A]

What do you do for work?

[K]

I'm a product developer for supplements.

[A]

Wow. What kind of supplements?

[K]

The ones that make you healthier that RFK Jr. Likes.

[C]

Yeah, well, it doesn't look like you're taking any of them. So far it looks like you're taking the drugs that make you age backwards.

[A]

It's a new Benjamin Buttons compound.

[C]

You need to eat more fruit by the foot. It's a kid's snack. That's what I mean by that. You look five.

[F]

Yeah. I think they accidentally gave you estrogen, right?

[K]

Yeah. People call me R.F. gay Jr.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Oh. Which parent? What's the. What's the best supplement? I don't know what to ask you. What's the.

[A]

You don't have to ask them anything. Remember, Tony, take it away. Thank you. One of the funniest running jokes in the history of the show. If you look back, you can make a 45 minute long compilation of me looking at Adam going while he asks the people questions.

[C]

That's why I wear a costume, so it doesn't hurt as bad.

[A]

Max, tell us what's been going on in life since the last time you were on this show.

[K]

Well, girls have been hitting on me lately.

[M]

Ooh.

[K]

With their cars.

[L]

Yeah.

[K]

You know, I think girls are so dangerous when they drive because they're too busy trying to look hot. Like, I saw this One chick going 100 on the freeway, putting on mascara, swerving all over the road. I mean, hey, at least you died a bad bitch.

[A]

I see what you did there. You snuck in a little joke. Comics Unleashed. Yeah, exactly. Well, Tony, funny you should ask. These women be driving crazy.

[F]

Dude, you're perfect for cruises.

[A]

Yeah? Yeah.

[C]

Do you do that when you hang out with your friends? Is that how you pitch bits? They're just like, dude, traffic was nuts today. You're like, yeah. And then you just turn and face a different wall and go. Let me tell you about the 405. Everyone's like, dude, dude, over here, you got jokes. I Like it?

[A]

What? Have you been on dates? Do you have a girlfriend?

[K]

No, not right now.

[L]

No, don't.

[A]

When's the last time you hooked up with a chick? What's that like? Oh, what playground did you go to exactly?

[K]

I think it was.

[A]

No, I can't say that one.

[C]

Yeah, you can. Come on.

[A]

You almost gave the actual location of a playground.

[K]

No, I was like the children's museum, but that's.

[N]

What.

[K]

That's why I didn't say it.

[A]

Children's museum. Yeah. Okay, so. But seriously, last time you were with a woman or boy or whatever you're into, it was last year?

[K]

Yeah, end of last year.

[A]

So what happened then? What was that? Was that just a random hookup? Is this a little booty call for some reason? That's funny when you ask like a youthful 27 year old.

[K]

No, that's my ex. Ex girlfriend.

[B]

Yeah?

[A]

Yeah.

[M]

In Florida.

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, you.

[O]

I was living.

[K]

I was living in Florida for two years.

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

And what made you move to Florida?

[K]

My job. Yeah, I was living in a retirement community. Yeah, the weather was great. It was in the 70s, just like the people.

[A]

Yep, I saw that one coming.

[C]

Are we on a hidden camera show right now? The way you're launching into bits is amazing.

[F]

Impractical. No jokers.

[K]

I was. I was like, I can't just get freaking roasted the whole time. I gotta.

[C]

Yeah, I like it. You're on the. On the aggression.

[A]

You're doing perfect. Max. Max, what's your ethnicity? What is a wissenger?

[K]

I'm about to go into another bit.

[A]

Well, if you. If you say that beforehand, it's very hard to do.

[K]

I'm half Mexican and I'm half German.

[A]

Uh huh. Go ahead.

[K]

My Mexican half likes to cook spicy.

[A]

Your other half likes to cook juice. No. Hey, did I accidentally write a better joke than you had? Yeah, it's okay.

[B]

This round goes to Tony.

[A]

What was yours?

[K]

I like to. My German half. Okay. So my Mexican app likes to cook spicy. My German half likes to turn that bathroom into a gas chamber.

[A]

Yep. You should take my. My. Yeah, do it my way.

[C]

What the fuck was that? Was the most unholocost noise I've ever heard.

[A]

That's the sound of what happens when your blood stops flowing. You did all right. Here you go, Max. There you go, buddy. Bing bong.

[C]

Good job, Max.

[A]

Wissinger has begun the bucket portion of the show. We're gonna keep it moving along. There he goes. There goes Max, everybody. Luckily too far away for Adam's favorite handshakes over your old handshakes. Oh my Go Jesus Christ Almighty. The thoughts that go through my head when Heidi's on stage. It's unbelievable. Oh, Jesus Christ. It's hotter here. The old Houston Butter Cakes. How about a hand for Heidi everybody? It's real. It's real. This podcast is sponsored by To Covas. Anywhere worth going is worth going in good boots Find your perfect pair with To Covas To Covis crafts quality western boots for everyone from generational ranchers and lifelong cowboys to first time boot buyers. No stiff break in period. Just instant out of the box comfort. From cowhide and goat to exotic leathers like ostrich and kaiman. I mean things we haven't even heard of or looked at. How it's pronounced. That's how good this stuff is. Whether it's your first pair or your 50th pair, to Covis has you covered. Red Band Tony I love my To Covas. They make me feel so confident. I get tons of compliments on them when I'm strutting around. Awesome. Ah, when you're riding in the back of a pedicab or perhaps on an electric bicycle using only the electric part, Never pedaling. Shop to Koba's Western Goods online at tokova's.com or swing by a To Cova store for the full experience with free drinks, boot shines and complimentary boot branding to make your pair feel personal. They're expert and friendly staff are at your service to answer any questions and help you pick out that perfect pair of boots right now. Get 10% off at tokova.com kill Tony when you sign up for emails and texts, that's 10% off at t e c o v a s.com KelTony to cova.com KelTony see site for details. To Covas Point your toes west hello everybody. This podcast is sponsored by ExpressVPN. Going online without ExpressVPN is like driving without car insurance. You might be a great driver, but with all the crazy people on the road these days, why would you take that risk? Every time you connect to unencrypted networks in cafes, hotels, airports, et cetera, your online data is not secure. Any hacker on the same network can gain access to and steal your personal data. It doesn't take much technical knowledge to hack someone. Just some cheap hardware is needed. A smart 12 year old or even Red Ban could do it. She's Tony I love ExpressVPN. I use it when we travel so I know my Data is safe. ExpressVPN has its lowest prices Ever. With plans starting at just3.49amonth, that's 12 cents a day. Oh, so price effective. That's right. It could take a hacker with a supercomputer over a billion years to get past ExpressVPN's encryption. Just fire up the app and click one button to get protected. No wonder it's rated number one by Top Tech reviewers like CNET and the Verge. Secure your online data today by visiting ExpressVPN.comKiltoni that's E X P-R-E-S-S-V-ComKiltoni to find out how you can get up to four extra months. ExpressVPN.com Kill Tony. All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Jake McFarlane. Let's see what happens here. We're gonna meet Jake. Put your hands together for Jake, everybody. Jake McFarland. Here he comes.

[M]

Hey, Sugar Land. I just want to start this by saying I'm five years sober and clean from white pussy. Yeah. Wasn't a hard choice. White pussy tastes like nickels.

[A]

Yeah, it does. That's true.

[M]

Yeah, it's February, baby. Yeah. Not a lot of black people in here. That's crazy. Yeah, it's February. And as a black man, I. I'm just gonna tell you, as a black man, I'm doing my part. Yeah. I'm out there doing it. Yeah. I've been eating black pussy. Yeah. And I was actually recently eating some black pussy just a couple days ago, and I was down there in them thick thighs, you know how it is. And I was down there doing my thing, you know, hey. But I was running out of air quick.

[D]

All right.

[M]

I come up for air. I go. She grabs me by the back of the head and goes, nah.

[P]

Reparations.

[M]

I was like, oh.

[A]

Oh,

[M]

yeah. I.

[A]

All right. He's gone his full length of time. Hi, Colin. How are you? When you're eating puss, are you just making noises inside of a. Grab that mic.

[M]

I'm making a lot of noise.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

I thought it was her gun.

[M]

She was holding it to my head. That's true. Yeah.

[A]

Are you really eating black pussy?

[M]

Every chance I get. I mean, I'm telling you, when I get done with this, I'm sure there's going to be a line of them. So, you know, I. I'm looking forward to that.

[F]

I have a question.

[A]

Yeah, go ahead.

[F]

If white pussy tastes like nickels, what does black pussy taste like?

[M]

Like cocoa butter and original wings.

[C]

Follow up question.

[A]

Hi.

[C]

Adam Ray from comedy.

[M]

Yeah, I think I recognize.

[A]

Thank you.

[C]

And a very good rat at that to you. What? How about Asian or Jewish pussy?

[M]

I think if you like Asian women, you're secretly gay, and. I don't know. Let's play a game. I'll pull up a bunch of trannies from Asia and then just regular Asian women, and we'll find out who's hot and who's not. All right, let's do it. Come on. I'm just saying, I think we know what's gonna happen. Your boyfriend's gonna look gay, okay?

[A]

So stand on that red circle for me there.

[M]

Is this where the anvil is?

[C]

Fuck the anvil from Looney Tunes. All right, you're cool.

[A]

Let me ask you something, Jake. Where are you meeting these black women whose pussy you're eating?

[M]

Anywhere.

[A]

I can but, like, give us an example of where it's actually happening.

[M]

I. Man, I do a lot of. So, like, I'm a black comedian, okay.

[A]

Why do you keep saying that? I am.

[M]

I'm a black comedian. I was banned from all white comedy rooms until, like, six months ago.

[A]

Why ginger.

[M]

I am a ginger

[A]

man.

[M]

You really want to know?

[C]

Nah, we're all right.

[A]

I mean, Jake, I'm asking you, dude. Yes. I really want to know. We're on a live show. I don't know if you know that. There's 7,000 people out there, Jake. I do really want to know the answer to the question that the host of the show just asked you. Stand in the middle of the red circle, Jake.

[M]

I'll keep it real. I'll keep it real. I'm going to stay right here.

[G]

I got you.

[A]

The middle of the red circle. There you go. Just stay there.

[M]

Okay.

[G]

That's the target.

[A]

Okay.

[F]

Black people love to run.

[A]

Yeah,

[G]

I don't know.

[M]

I'm not. I'm not that black. I honestly. I pulled a gun on a guy.

[A]

Okay, tell us more about that, Jake.

[M]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[M]

So I was at a comedy show. It was a black comedy show. Y' all don't have those in Austin, but in Houston, it's when you go to a place and everyone's lack. You know what I mean? Just.

[A]

Yep, sure. We all lived in. We all did comedy in LA for a couple decades.

[E]

Right?

[M]

Okay, so you do.

[A]

Okay, yes.

[M]

And I was about to leave, but one of my buddies who had went on the show, he actually didn't get on the show. He got snuffed by another comedian. He started crying. He got a little drunk, threw a fit, walked out, and I was like, well, fuck him, right? But then I thought, you know what? I better smooth it over with the host. So I walk up to the host, but I left my keys in my truck. So we're out in the parking lot this time.

[A]

Time.

[M]

By the way, I want to prep this. Preface this by saying I was at Carrington's, if you know what Carrington's is. That's the hood.

[A]

Jesus Christ.

[M]

That's the fucking hood.

[A]

Come on, get to the point of the story, Jake.

[M]

Anyways, my bad, my bad. I'm wasting time. Wasting time.

[C]

This story better end with a rat.

[M]

A different kind.

[A]

Yeah, okay, so get to the fucking story, Jake. Do you really want to know? Do you really want. They want me to be honest about what happened.

[C]

All right, here we go.

[A]

Come on.

[M]

So I was. I was out in the parking lot talking with the comedian, and the host, and another comedian started talking shit. And I told him that he's being disrespectful. And he said, what are you gonna do about it? And I said, take them glasses off. And he walked around his car and I said, are we fighting or what? And he said, no, I'm just gonna shoot your ass. I'm just gonna kill your ass.

[D]

It's the hood.

[O]

This is the streets.

[A]

It was a black guy.

[M]

It was a black guy, right? Which is crazy because when I pulled a gun on him and told him to take his hands out of the trunk, after he popped the trunk to grab a gun, he closed the trunk.

[O]

Damn.

[M]

They don't like it when black people get guns pulled on him.

[A]

I guess. Now your story takes forever.

[F]

This is, like, how hard it is for a woman to come.

[A]

It's incredible.

[F]

Thank you, ladies.

[O]

Wow.

[F]

The moral of the.

[G]

The story is.

[M]

The moral of the story is.

[C]

There's a moral. All right, go ahead.

[M]

I put my gun back in the trunk after or the car after. He closed the trunk and he said he's calling the police. So I was like, okay, well, Jesus, I thought I was black, but, you know, apparently he's not.

[A]

This thing where you keep calling yourself black.

[M]

I'm Ginger. What are you talking about? I'm light skinned.

[A]

Why do you keep saying that?

[D]

I got.

[A]

Hey, I could call.

[M]

Man, I could call my black friends right now.

[F]

Do you say the word?

[M]

No. No, I don't say.

[F]

Then you're not black?

[G]

No, no.

[A]

What do you do for work?

[M]

I'm a handyman.

[A]

You're a handyman? Yep. What exactly do you specialize in?

[M]

Woodwork and stuff like that.

[A]

Ah, well, maybe you are black because they would work if they could work. See what I did there? Yeah, it doesn't make sense, but Maya,

[M]

my black friends call me Jigaboo Jake, actually.

[A]

Okay, all right, okay. Well, since you're so black, guess what you're leaving with A little black joke book. Jake McFarlane, everybody. Oh, can't catch. Not black.

[M]

Not that black.

[A]

Not black. Not black. Not black.

[F]

Not black.

[A]

Not black. Not black. All right, here it is. Clean the slate. Oh, my goodness gracious. That's right. Since it's a road show, the great Valerie Vaughn is here. Everybody. Put your hands together for Valerie. She attends and works with us on every single non Austin, and sometimes in Austin, but always on the road show. We have another Houston golden ticket winner, ladies and gentlemen. Can you believe it, Mr. Make some noise for him here with a brand new minute. It's Colin Sledge, everybody. You know him. A brand new minute from Houston's own Colin Sledge.

[L]

Okay, thank you. You know, so God gave us two ears and one mouth because we're supposed to listen twice as much as we talk. But he also gave us 10 fingers, so we're supposed to be finger blasting, like all the time. Okay.

[O]

Okay.

[L]

I always tell girls you should never fake an orgasm with me, you know, because I don't care. I found out women are supposed to pee after sex to prevent a UTI every time. But I always tell them, just to be safe, you should pee during sex. Cement to that. Hell yeah. My parents are here, by the way. Can I. Can I do one more joke?

[A]

Okay.

[L]

My girlfriend says I don't make enough eye contact during sex. And it's not even true. I make a lot of eye contact during sex. It's just with myself in the mirror. Not in like a narcissistic way. I just like to pretend I'm getting cucked by my evil twin.

[E]

Wow.

[A]

Colin Sledge in front of the hometown crowd. That is what every comedian hopes to do. Amazing, Colin. Fucking hilarious as always.

[L]

Thank you.

[A]

What do you think your parents think about that set?

[L]

They've seen it before, probably.

[A]

Oh, nice. I love it. I love it. Tell us, what part of Houston are you from?

[L]

I'm from northwest Houston by the heights.

[A]

Ooh, Northwest Houston. Say the N word there, you might get in trouble.

[L]

Yes.

[A]

Different than Southwest. Uh huh. Uh huh.

[L]

I feel like I would get in trouble anywhere if I said it.

[A]

No. Yeah, you definitely would. White people would beat you up if you said it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Colin, tell us about your experiences here in Houston, Texas. You ever. What else might people know you from? Did you ever have jobs here?

[L]

Well, I used to work at the Galleria.

[A]

What did you do at the Galleria?

[L]

I worked at Express, you know, Express Galleria. Go ahead, Red man. Whatever you're trying to do. He's got nothing. And then I worked at Willowbrook.

[A]

Ooh. Where?

[L]

Willowbrook. It's like. It's like, further northwest. It's kind of ghetto.

[A]

Was that the Express at Willowbrook?

[L]

Yeah, they moved me over there.

[A]

Transfer. Express employee.

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

Worked for Lex Wexner, who was on the Epstein files.

[L]

Oh, yes. Yes, he was. He was. I didn't. I never met him personally, but he did exploit my labor.

[A]

Amazing. Can't believe he didn't show up to one of his many locations in Willowbrook.

[L]

Yeah, Willowbrook. Like, there would be, like, stabbings every week at Willowbrook, and we would be, like, the only store that didn't even close.

[A]

Right. Because white people need their skinny jeans.

[L]

Exactly.

[A]

I love it. I love it. Colin, what else is going on in life?

[L]

I went shooting with Hans, Kim and Dusty and Sportsman's Finest and stuff. It was.

[A]

How was that?

[L]

It was fun. Everyone was very nice. Especially when I had a gun. I never shot a fully automatic weapon before, and they just gave me, like, an energy drink and they were like, you're our friend, right?

[A]

Welcome to Texas. I love it.

[L]

I think they're hooking Kim up with a gun. Maybe at some point.

[F]

They are.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

And I have one already.

[A]

Yes, she already has one. If there's any stalkers out there watching or listening to the show, I'm also

[L]

a victim of that, because used to be, if you search creepy Kill Tony guy, I would come up.

[F]

To be honest, I'm on edge right now. And when he came out, I was like, whoa. But you look like a nice stalker. Like you just stroke someone's cheek or something.

[L]

Yeah. I would roofie a girl, but I would just hold her hand the whole time.

[F]

So sweet.

[C]

Yeah. You look like when you eat blood, you'd blow on it instead of going rat. Tat, tat, tat, tat.

[F]

It's too hot for him.

[A]

Yeah. Too hot.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Cool it down.

[Q]

Jesus saw this.

[O]

Hot.

[F]

Puts in his mouth like an airplane.

[A]

Have you ever been with a black woman? Call?

[L]

No.

[A]

Oh, geez. Bring her out. Bring her out. She comes.

[C]

Everybody thought we had one. Ready.

[A]

Wow. Why do you think you've never been with a black woman? All the time here in Houston, a large populace of those people, it was.

[L]

I wasn't always good looking. I used to be. Yeah.

[A]

Oh.

[F]

Oh, my God. Men are so confident.

[A]

I mean, when he first got on the show, his hair looked different. Ever since he's been dating his girl. Look at this hair he has right now.

[L]

Yeah, she started taking care of me. I'm like a stray cat, but, you

[A]

know, that makes sense. How else has your girlfriend changed you? Is there anything else? You been trimming your pubes and whatnot?

[L]

No, she prefers that I don't do that.

[R]

Ooh.

[A]

Is there any other changes that she's made to you, though?

[L]

You know, people used to say, girl's like a neat place, you know, Gotta be a very clean. And since I've had a girl, my place has never been messier in my entire life.

[A]

So, yeah, they leave their stuff.

[L]

So I used to be very organized, and now I'm not so much.

[A]

Right. But it's worth it.

[L]

Yeah. Yeah, I think so.

[A]

On balance, you get to dump loads.

[L]

Well, vasectomy hasn't happened yet, but it's. It's on the way.

[A]

The what?

[L]

The vasectomy.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[L]

I'm working on it. So I tried to, you know, I talked to the doctor, and he didn't want to do it on me because I didn't have kids, but I don't want to have kids just to get a vasectomy. And so I said, I'll go visit my niece in Honduras. My brother had a baby, and then I'll come back. If I still want a vasectomy, will you give it to me? And he said, yes. And then I did that, and then I came back and I called him and he retired. So I'm sort of back to square one. But it still works.

[F]

Call me insane, but I feel like you don't have to go to Honduras to get a vasectomy. Like, you could just find a different doctor.

[C]

You can do it in Red Bane's VR world.

[A]

I'll do it for you. I love it.

[C]

Do you do drugs?

[L]

Do I. Do I just take weed gummies?

[C]

You look like you sell mushrooms to Scooby and the gang.

[A]

That is true.

[L]

That's my girlfriend's influence on me.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Colin, you were absolutely hilarious tonight. Congratulations, hometown crowd, in front of your parents. You did it. We're getting back to the bucket. One more time for Colin Sledge, everybody. And back to it we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian is Brandon Brown. We're going to meet Brandon Brown. All together now. Put your hands together for Brandon, everybody. These people wait their whole lives for a moment like this.

[D]

Holy shit. We're doing it. Mr. Hinchliff, I got to tell you, I'm. I'm a big ass fan. You too, Adam Ray. Me and my wife, we're such big fans of Kill Tony that we role play Kill Tony in the bedroom, right? So sometimes, like, I'll be hitting it from the back and I'm like, oh, yeah, we're really doing it, baby. We're really doing it. And then sometimes I like to pretend I'm one of the black guys that get on Kill Tony. I'm like, oh, yeah, we're really doing it, baby. But my favorite people who come on Kill Tony are the Asians, right? So sometimes I'll be back there going,

[E]

oh, yeah, we really going it, baby.

[D]

Right? Oh, man. But it goes both ways, right? So sometimes because she's like, I want to be Tony. I'm like, all right, you can be Tony. So I'll be eating her, right? And then she'll go, we've done this a thousand times. You still can't hit the buttons, right?

[A]

Like, what the.

[E]

I've known you for 10 years and you still can't get it right?

[D]

Everybody, I'm Brandon Brown and that's my time. We really doing it, baby.

[A]

Look at this guy. Are you pointing at your girl out there?

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Where's she at?

[D]

Hey, we pay big money. We're right in the front row.

[A]

I love it. I love it. How do you get big money? What do you do for work, Brandon Brown?

[D]

I'm an insurance broker.

[A]

I love it. Amazing. How long you been doing that for?

[D]

I've done it for about four years now.

[A]

You are one of the buffest insurance brokers I've ever seen before. It's incredible.

[D]

Thank you.

[F]

Do you repo insurance?

[O]

What's going on now?

[D]

I say, you going to get some protection for your family or what?

[F]

Yes.

[D]

Sometimes it works.

[C]

You look like Rogan if you stop doing the podcast.

[D]

That's a compliment. I appreciate it.

[A]

Is that retired Rogan? You do? You really do.

[C]

We're really doing it, baby. Have you. So you. How long did you practice that set?

[O]

A lot.

[D]

I came up with that at 3:43 this morning.

[C]

No one's going to dispute that.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

I was so excited. I was actually. So what's funny is I knew you were going to be here. Here we have a little connection, you

[A]

and I. Oh, go ahead.

[F]

Now you have a stalker.

[D]

So me and the wife's been to a couple of your shows. Oh, yeah. And you know, so when you were doing Dr. Phil, we'd come see at Dr. Phil. We loved you and I appreciate it and I sent You a Facebook message late one night. High as sure.

[C]

And I try to respond to everybody. Did I get back to you?

[D]

So, because me and my girl were like. I was like, I wonder if we can get married on Dr. Phil. And you and I went back and forth in a shit ton of messages and then my Facebook got hacked and I could never get ahold of you again. And like, we were like, you're just like, I'm ordained. Like, yeah, let's do this shit. Yeah, look it up. Brandon Brown in your phone.

[C]

I'll take your word for it, player, but don't tell me how to live my life after you dry hump the fucking stage. No, that's enough. No, no, stop it. Going to have nightmares. Wait, so. But you guys got married?

[D]

Yes, we did. Without you, it was.

[A]

Where'd you get married at?

[D]

We did at the courthouse.

[A]

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And how many times have you beaten your wife since you got married?

[E]

I.

[D]

You know, it depends when the trend starts to kick in. I don't really remember, but, you know,

[A]

what did she do for a living?

[D]

She is a nurse.

[A]

Okay. You guys have kids?

[D]

No, we do not.

[A]

Are you finishing inside of her?

[D]

Oh, every time I gotta. I got bad back, so I got a weak ass pool game. Like when I did this, like there's a reason why God didn't make me black.

[F]

How many times do you make her meow in bed?

[D]

Oh, I'm very good at that.

[A]

Very good.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you have any special moves in the bedroom in real life? Are you usually on bottom because of your bad back?

[R]

No.

[D]

You know, man, she's gonna kick my ass for.

[A]

I'm saying this is the good parts. These are the good parts.

[D]

So I got very, extremely lucky and I got hurt in Afghanistan. I took an armored plate to the left side of the dick bag. So like, my dick gets hard and like, I can go forever because I have limited feeling, right?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

So yeah, I normally just go till she gets tired and then I'm like, woo hoo. Or sometimes I hit her with a. But that's only when I'm Tony.

[A]

It's incredible. Do you finish? Do you come?

[D]

Yeah, I. I still come.

[A]

How do you come if you don't have feeling?

[D]

Now it's only on like the left side. Like, my dick has feeling, but like I have like half the feeling that I had before. So like, I go three times longer.

[C]

The question was, what's your favorite TV show? Yeah, I don't know how we got on this tangent.

[A]

Dr. Phil live I love it. So Afghanistan, that was. What was it? You rolled over a ied.

[D]

We got hit by an ied.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, my God. Okay. Can you take us through that? What was that like? Is it traumatizing for you or not?

[D]

For me, A lot of people have different experiences in the military. I was very lucky. We were more on the attack side of things.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

So, like, we went out every day. We were part of an EOD group and, like, it was just like, who's going to get blown up today? We'd laugh about it as long as nobody died. Like, it was just fun. It was just work.

[A]

I miss it. We loved you. We love you for your service. Thank you. That's goddamn right. Greatest country on planet Earth. Amazing. Any other crazy stories from. From being on the other side of the planet?

[D]

Oh, yeah. So my favorite is.

[A]

Right.

[D]

This made me think of you, too. I did this at about 402 after I came up with my bit. So I sitting there like, what the Am I going to tell, you know, Tony? Well, then I was like, Mr. Hinchcliffe. Do I call him Tone? Like that one guy? I'm like, so, like, I've been playing around. I'm just going to sit with Tony.

[C]

The question was, what's your favorite food?

[D]

Yeah, I'm getting around to it. Right. So we would deal with a lot of people who blew their self up being on an EOD team. And I had the magic ability. I would always find the dick. Like, we'd be walking around looking for body parts and shit.

[F]

I have that ability, too.

[D]

It's okay for you to find dick. It's weird when I find dick.

[A]

Yeah. Okay. We're very, very antsy on this.

[D]

I thought you'd like that. You know, that's probably something we have in common.

[A]

So give us an example of, you know, when people get blown up. Yes. I find a lot of dicks. Do you do what I do when you find it and immediately just. Oh, yeah.

[D]

I picked it up with two sticks and I chased people around with it.

[A]

Ah, yeah.

[D]

I love that you touch them. You're gay.

[A]

I love that. Amazing. Brandon Brown. Well, so much fun. Congratulations. You got to do it.

[D]

Thank you.

[A]

Right in the heart of the show.

[F]

Thank you.

[A]

Here's a big joke book, man. You fucking did it, dude. Another drop. The Houston Droppers are legit here. Houston can't catch a cold. It's amazing. Okay, your next bucket pool. Live in Houston, Texas, Goes by the name of MacKenzie Jewel, everybody. Here we go. MacKenzie Jewel. Put your hands together for Mackenzie, everybody. Hey, gang.

[G]

Hell yeah. I'm gay and autistic. So technically I'm a double minority. But because I'm white, it just levels out, you know what I mean? I'm bisexual. That kind of sucks, you know what I mean? Because I feel like bisexual is gayer than being gay, you know? Because when you're bi, that means that you like dick and pussy, right? So if you choose some dick over pussy, that's gay. That's really gay. But I'm autistic, and bitches love the tisum dick. I be stimming in they shit, you know? I'm like, damn, bitch.

[A]

This wasn't giving me a sensory overload right now. I'm in whole.

[G]

I'm like. So when you store your large files, do you use Dropbox or onedrive? You know, I'm really bad at Netflix and chilling. Cause I always just want to pay attention to the movie, you know? I'm like, babe, stop sucking my dick. This is the scene where Michael Keaton becomes the founder.

[C]

Cool.

[A]

Amazing set. Mackenzie Jewel with a breakout performance. Welcome, Mackenzie. You're hilarious. How long you been doing stand up?

[G]

I'm coming up on my third year. April.

[A]

Yeah. All of it here in Houston?

[G]

Yes, sir.

[A]

I love it. What part of town do you live in?

[G]

I'm over in Westchase right now, but I was on the show before and I mentioned I grew up in the fo. Fo Acres homes.

[A]

Okay. Okay. You're like, if Mike Jones sucked on bones.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Hell yeah. Amazing. That's one of my favorite. You know, there's a lot of gay opportunities, autistic comedians, but you came out with energy act outs. You kept everybody's attention.

[E]

Thank you.

[A]

Guns ablaze. And absolutely incredible question for you. Are you the new Blippi? Who's Blippi? That's what I asked myself.

[G]

Just about a. I'm Gen Z, but I don't. You know, I'm reformed from Tik Tok.

[B]

You know, it's not autistic.

[A]

How old are you, Mackenzie?

[G]

I am 23.

[A]

23 years old. What are the kids up to nowadays? I mean, other than. Than anything that moves?

[G]

All the ones I know just. Just hang out and are sad at open mics and shit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. What's the most. What do you think is the most autistic thing about you? What's like, your specialty? Everybody has a thing. Some are good at chess, some are good at numbers, this, that, and the next.

[G]

Honestly, I feel like I got fucked on the autism thing. I feel like I'm just like depressed, lazy, autistic.

[C]

Like, what are the superpowers you were hoping to obtain?

[G]

I don't know. Being able to just have like, one of those cool library brains that just knows a bunch of, you know. I fried my brains on my brain on drugs, but I'm better now.

[A]

What kind of drugs?

[G]

I was hella into coke.

[A]

Really?

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

Adderall.

[G]

I did DMT on stage one time.

[A]

Well, that's cute. But the coke, I can't imagine. I've never seen, like, a nerdy cokehead before.

[G]

Just. Yeah, you know, I. And I was. And I wasn't cool.

[A]

What were you doing? You would get drunk with your pals or whatever?

[G]

Yeah, just doing open mics for three people and shit, you know?

[F]

Wow, Mackenzie, I swear to God, when you came out, I thought you were a woman.

[G]

Yeah.

[P]

Yeah.

[F]

I'm not gonna lie. I'm still not sure.

[G]

Can I. I actually. I lived as a woman for a year.

[F]

You could tell?

[G]

Yeah.

[C]

Let's cut to a clip.

[G]

It's not a joke.

[B]

No, yeah.

[A]

No, I believe it. Yeah. She actually made a couple Netflix specials. That's Hannah Gatsby, everybody. Live Flesh. Incredible. So tell us about living as a woman for a year, by the way. I feel like this is every 23 year old in the country right now. We're all gonna die.

[G]

Oh, the McChickens and got the estrogen, you know. You got the estrogen from the McChickens?

[A]

What do you mean?

[E]

I don't know.

[C]

Quit trying to fix that. Give us some time.

[A]

RFK. RFK. Joining us, the McChicken Report.

[G]

Yeah, but, no, I just. I had pink hair. I worked at a comic book store. I was the happiest I ever was, actually.

[A]

When you were a woman, tell us what you were doing to be a woman, though. You were putting on a dress, were you?

[G]

Yeah, Hot Topic clearance sales.

[A]

You were working at Hot Topic?

[G]

No, no, but I would buy from Hot Topic a lot.

[A]

What would you. What would you buy exactly?

[G]

Skirts and shit and cute little frog shirts and shit.

[F]

Did you go buy McKenzie?

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[G]

It's a cool thing, gender neutral name, you know?

[A]

Can we see your tits now that you're not a girl? No. Red band. Red band. You can't do that because that's harassment. When you ask somebody that's sharing things with us to show us their tits, whether it's a boy or a girl, that's disrespectful. And it's unacceptable in today's normal society. Can we see your taste?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Whoa.

[A]

Look at those. He's still a man, everybody. He kept the dude tits. No double scars for this guy.

[F]

What pulled you out of it?

[G]

You know, I started taking edibles and I just was on an edible and I had this ego death that was insane. And I was like, wow, I'm kind of ugly as a woman.

[A]

Yeah, that's amazing. I wish we could could send that exact clip to every half gay kid around the world right now.

[G]

Oh, no.

[A]

Clap. Yeah, no, it's good, it's good. We keep an open mind, but at the same time it's just contaminating. Everybody tell us, how do you think you were led down that path? You have liberal parents.

[G]

I mean, they kind of let me run for. Yeah, yeah. You know, I was homeschooled.

[A]

Ah.

[G]

I, I never got. I never went to high school, but I have a diploma that says certified improv badass. So that's something.

[A]

Your parents made that for you?

[G]

No, I. I did two years of improv for it, you know.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

That's the gayest thing about you.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

Amazing. So what's your preference? At the end of the day, you think you're 50. 50 dudes and girls. Like, what kind of guy are you? 75. 25.

[G]

I honestly.

[F]

What about pets? Pets?

[A]

What do you mean?

[G]

With Peter.

[F]

You're into animals?

[G]

Not into like sexually.

[B]

No.

[C]

Because you're giving off ferret vibes.

[G]

Yeah, I'm a meerkat. I'm a meerkat. AI told me. I'm a meerkat.

[A]

Oh, my God. He now identifies as a meerkat. Okay, let's go back to the question where we at? 50, 50, 50.

[G]

Honestly, my track record is mostly women, but I have probably fooled around with two guys and I've had one boyfriend.

[A]

Ooh. First of all, let's give credit to the loud. What the. From the Houston man sounded drives a truck for. For a living.

[C]

Let's put a spotlight on Harry homophobe up there in the third balcony.

[A]

He made it. He made it all the way through until Mackenzie goes. I had one boyfriend. What the.

[C]

Better not have been in my neighborhood.

[B]

I mean, you can them and all,

[A]

but Jesus Christ, Satan, you're in a

[B]

relationships gay as you keep that tism dick and that female haircut out of

[C]

my cold AAC like my Burger King.

[A]

What the. I'm going to have to drive to southwest Houston, just scream the nword in a field after this. So tell us you were a woman.

[F]

And the gayest thing you said is that you had a boyfriend.

[A]

Yeah. Tell us about his boyfriend, he actually

[G]

came on the show one time. His name is Jackson Namy.

[A]

Nobody cares about that. Tell us about your boyfriend.

[G]

That was him? It was fine. It was okay. I have a girlfriend now. I like it better the first time.

[A]

Tell us why you like it better.

[G]

Well, something softer about women.

[A]

It almost seems like that's what your biology wants, isn't it?

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

Right.

[E]

Wow.

[A]

Wow. Turns out we're all natural human animals. My goodness gracious. You almost said the first dick you ever. And then I cut you off. Let's go back to that.

[G]

The first dick I ever sucked was black.

[A]

Ooh, what's your name?

[C]

Judy Bloomberg. All right.

[F]

It was that ginger guy.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Tell us about this black dick you sucked. How exactly does that happen? And were you just bullied and he forced. Forced it into your face?

[G]

You know, I thought because he had like magic the gathering cards, the dick would be like, kind of like not.

[A]

You were playing magic with a black guy?

[E]

No.

[A]

Is it Magic Johnson?

[G]

I just thought because he had. I just thought because he had the cards, he would be like, it wouldn't be that. But it was big and I didn't do it good. Probably.

[A]

When you say you didn't do it good, probably, what exactly do you mean? Sir? Hold your. What the.

[B]

I'm going to go get another drink before this answers that question.

[C]

Give me a Mike's hard lemonade.

[B]

I don't care if he's hard.

[C]

I ain't gay.

[A]

Can't even twist a tweet.

[B]

Tweez. Twinks.

[D]

Tw.

[C]

What?

[G]

Twisted tw. Twisted TE's are called tweeze. Maybe Twink Joe.

[A]

Whatever. Okay, so stick with me over.

[G]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. When you say you probably didn't do a good job, what exactly do you mean?

[G]

I just feel like I remember like half assing it. Yeah, like it was toothy. Like probably.

[A]

Ooh, Ratat. Toothy over here. Amazing. Toothy probably means 100% toothy, by the way, if you think your teeth might be hitting it.

[F]

Oh, Toothy was the name of the black.

[A]

Toothy Jenkins, wide receiver, University Alabama. Number 34, Toothy Jenkins, wide receiver. Amazing, amazing stuff. Mackenzie, you are doing such a good job. Great answers, great interview, great set. Red band McKenzie. If you're ever an Austin, I'll have you on the secret show. Hell yeah, dude. Boom. You're booked on a third Thursday in Austin. The gay guy caught it. The first local to catch a joke book tonight was a bisexual 23 year old. Let the record show that guy will catch any type of. Any type of thank you so much. How about one more time for Heidi and Val, everybody? Are they not every time gets a little too gay up here? We bring them up here to remind us all what we're into. Right after you're done picturing a boy giving a toothy blowjob to a fat black Heidi and Valor. Here to remind us all that we're straight. Life is full of choices. But the choice between getting crispy chicken nuggets or a crunchwrap slider isn't one. You'll have to make the new crispy Chicken Crunchwrap slider at Taco Bell. All white meat chicken nuggets breaded in tortilla chips, wrapped up sauce and all inside a slider sized crunch wrap. Choose from creamy chipotle or jalapeno honey mustard. Well, there we go. Life still full of choices. The new crispy chicken Crunchwrap slider. A brand new classic, only a Taco Bell. And participating in us Taco Bell locations for a limited time and while supplies last. Here we are, two bucket pools. And now I present to you yet another boy born and raised on the outskirts of Houston, Texas. You know him very well. While never officially being a golden ticket winner or a regular, he became famous for being funny off stage and then starting comedy on Kill Tony and then growing non stop. And now he's to the point where he's headlining all over the country. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Houston's own Uncle Lazer.

[B]

City of syrup, Screwstick Texas. How we feeling tonight? God damn. Just in time for rodeo season. Favorite time of the year. Best thing I love about that goddamn rodeos. Them big fat black women and them goddamn jeans, them jean shorts. Just throwing ass to our lord and savior, George Strait. You, you ain't live till you seen somebody pop their to Amarillo by morning, I tell you what. And you got them cataphoric tortoise, them big ass category four tortoises, walking around in airbrushed shirts says Rip Miguel barbecue stains on it, looking like a feral dog looking for a goddamn slice of brisket. I pissed drunk out there last night, shacked up with this creature, you know. I said, where you from, baby? She said, I'm from the bayou. Louisiana bayou. I said, buffalo Bayou. That's where you're from. You're from. But there I am in the back of the Ford Focus, okay? Gutting that pig in lot C, all right? And she goes, baby, you gonna make this pussy fight. I said, do what? He said, you gonna make this pussy fought. I said, keep your Fucking boys down. Keep your boys down. I said, what are you asking me? She goes, you gonna make this pussy shit. I text my mom. I said, hey, I'm at the Houston Live Shock show on roadie. I need you come get me real quick. You're going to have to come get me. Hey, security man, you ever made a fart? Strong and silent type. I like that saxophone. You ever made that fart? What that sound like? No, that ain't it. That ain't it. You need to see a doctor. That ain't it.

[E]

Michael Gonzalez, you ready to fight?

[B]

What that sound like, boy? Michael Gonzalez, ladies and gentlemen. My name's Uncle Laser.

[A]

Y' all been great, Uncle Laser. I don't even know where to begin with that Manic Wild set, but it was very, very awesome. Great stuff. Tell the people watching the podcast around the world what you're talking about, about the Houston Rodeo, which is an annual super weekend that just so happens to be right.

[D]

Right now.

[B]

Right now. You know? You know, they got Indians, Mexicans, blacks, white, pretending like country, dressing up, pretending to know what they're doing during the rodeo. It's fun, man. You get piss drunk. The Astrodome, you can buy the art. It's great, man. Art, like. Like the little elementary kids draw art. You can bid on it. I bought a horse there last year.

[A]

Wow. You got the place running wild, right?

[B]

Yeah, baby.

[A]

The what? The guys enjoying himself right now.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Wow. So. So you're hooking up with a big girl, and she said, make this f. F. She's.

[B]

She's Louisiana. She's Cajun. But, like, they speak their own language,

[A]

so, like, that means so hard that a bunch of air gets in there.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

So, like, the proper nomenclature is queef, Right?

[O]

And.

[B]

And, fellas, if you ain't never had it happen to you while it's inside it, it's going to startle you at first. It feels like when you put two magnets together and they push you away. And I told her once, what the fuck was that? And she goes, that's my pussy. Leaving you a review. I said, bitch. I said, bitch, I hope you fucking crash in the Brazos river when you go home.

[A]

Wow. Wow. Absolutely incredible. It is unsettling when a woman does that.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I had a girl go, you did this to me.

[B]

Like, yeah, well, but listen, this is one rule of thumb when. If it smells, she actually farted. You hear me?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

A dead giveaway every time.

[A]

Yeah, no doubt about it. I'm interested to hear what the other horn players might think a F. It sounds like we only got the saxophone. What else do we have anything from you guys? Is there another fart noise that you guys can. Can muster up? Okay. You know, I need that sweet, sweet trombone down there. There it is.

[F]

That's it.

[B]

That's it.

[A]

That's what I like.

[C]

We found a winner.

[A]

That smell's Gonna hit about 5 seconds, seconds after that one. That's the old regular, old F. F. Amazing. So this beautiful beast from Louisiana that you made love to. How does, how does an event like that end for you? You just. You get her an Uber. Like what, where this took place in a car.

[B]

Ford Focus. Those are in Ford Focus.

[A]

Oh yeah. The. The primary vehicle of most Louisiana of

[B]

people balling on a budget. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Yeah. So you're in the back seat of the Ford Focus.

[B]

We had to lay the front seats down and it. I mean it was getting hot and heavy. Cuz she's heavy. You know. At one point I tried to lift

[D]

her up all me.

[B]

My leg was going numb. I put my hand up on it. Went up like Titanic, you know what I'm saying? In the back of the scene. So yeah, I miss home, you know?

[E]

And

[A]

that's Houston for you.

[B]

That's it, man. I actually lost my virginity about six minutes down the road in a little trailer like a colonia down there.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Richmond Rosenberg.

[A]

Yeah, tell us about that. Tell us how. What was your age and which relative was it?

[B]

I was, buddy.

[E]

I was.

[B]

I was 12 and holy. The Mexican girl was 14. The black dude was 16.

[A]

Wait, hold on a second.

[C]

There was guest stars in this.

[A]

Was Mackenzie Jewel sucking his while this was happening. Happening. Well, was the black guy getting a toothy blow job in the corner?

[C]

Yeah, make that five. Come on, Laser.

[B]

So like I stole my mama's Jeep. I stole my mama's Jeep.

[G]

Drain gar.

[B]

Key. And we drove down to there. We. We got in the window and he's like, I'm going to let you go first. He's a gentleman. And when I got in there and I'm just foolings about, just happy to be there. I have no idea what I'm doing. About 15 minutes go by, I feel a tap on my shoulder and I turn around, this big beautiful black man, just. Just naked, just a foot of dick on him, you know? Look like when you take them shitty pictures of your kids out of your wallet and unravels, it was. And he's like, let me show you how it's done. And they start and I'm just Sitting there like, you know, I know what to do. And he, you know, trailer houses, you know, they're kind of flimsy, you know. And he up against a wall and they fell through that little plywood wall into her. Thea's room.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

And then she starts hollering in language I don't understand. And then we jump out of window and I get so nervous. I actually rolled my mama's jeep off in the ditch and cop came and my mama took me home. They took the black dude jail. Turns out he was actually 47. So that called everybody. I made that part up, God damn it. I made that part up.

[A]

It's true. There are no real black pedophiles. A little fun fact. You'll never see a black pedophile. And also a fun fact, black people do not sneeze. I don't if you guys know this, but it's a real thing. John D. Can you confirm this? Have you ever sneezed before?

[M]

I just did.

[A]

I've actually never seen him really sneeze. Yeah, he's joking, but have you ever really sneezed?

[L]

Yes.

[A]

Shut the up.

[B]

I. I know black people can't have down syndrome either. This feels like a fact. That's a fact. They all can get sickle cell, but you can't get the retardation stuff of. That's a fact, God damn it.

[A]

Anyway, I miss home. The only, the only kind of downs black people get are first downs on the football field. Am I correct, everybody? Am I correct? Toothy Jenkins University, Alabama. Uncle Laser, to watch you grow. Set after set on this show is an anomaly.

[C]

Hometown, baby, baby.

[A]

It's incredible. In his hometown, six minutes away from where he lost his virginity in a trailer with a 14 year old and a 16 year old black man. One more time for Uncle Laser, everybody back to the bucket we go. And your next bucketful goes by the name of Kyle Clinton, everybody. Kyle Clinton. Oh, my goodness. A hand for Heidi as well. Jiminy crickets. That's a real ass. She works that every week. Here's Kyle Clinton, everybody.

[P]

My big brother recently told me he got a vasectomy. And then he asked me if I was going to get a vasectomy. And I was like, I think I got to be getting some pussy first. Being from eastern Kentucky, sometimes people ask me if I banged my cousin. I'm like, no. She was homecoming queen. She was way out of my league. Plus I had a big brother, like six cousins. My family had some real stiff competition growing up in Kentucky. Sometimes people Think I was brought up Baptist, but I was actually raised Methodist. Then in my 20s, I became a crystal Methodist.

[A]

Thank you, everybody. I'm Kyle Clinton. Kyle motherfucking Clinton has done it again. Always funny. Love your delivery. Love everything about you. How you feeling, Kyle?

[P]

Feel fantastic. Thank you, everybody. Sugar Land.

[A]

Have you been here before to Sugarland?

[R]

I have.

[P]

I saw Chris Rock in here. I saw Jay Leno in here.

[A]

At this venue.

[P]

At this venue.

[A]

Smart Financial Center. Yeah, I love it. Amazing. Is this is Houston where you're from? Yeah.

[P]

No, I grew up in Eastern Kentucky, but I live here now.

[O]

I live.

[A]

What made you choose Houston? Work. Perfect.

[P]

But now fun.

[A]

Yeah. What do you do for work?

[P]

Well, I was managing shopping centers, and right now I'm substitute teaching.

[A]

Okay. What shopping centers were you managing at the time? Perhaps Woodlands or something? Well, is that what it was called?

[P]

Most of them were in small towns. I worked for a guy whose family owned a chain of department stores in this area and throughout Texas.

[F]

Claire's Wieners.

[A]

What's Wieners?

[R]

Wieners.

[P]

I know some people out there are familiar.

[A]

Stop saying that. You're making me hard. What is that place?

[P]

It's where everybody got their school clothes growing up, apparently.

[A]

Really? Yeah. You guys got your school clothes at a place called Wieners? Right now, that guy up there is

[G]

like, what, the

[B]

Rite Aid wasn't open?

[A]

Wow. I just thought they started selling kids wieners recently. Society, media, propaganda. It's a whole thing. Kyle, I loved your vasectomy joke. Did you really do crystal meth?

[P]

Yes. I'm 13 years not doing it.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

How did you end up starting. Explain to me. I've always been curious. How does one start. Start doing crystal meth?

[P]

Being very distracted is where it might start.

[A]

Okay. Can you give me an example of what you mean?

[P]

Well, thinking about other things. Having to cram for a test, and then taking Adderall and then advancing whenever. I did not have Adderall.

[A]

Right. Because crystal meth can fill in for Adderall. For those of you that are running a little low on Adderall, just remember to substitute. Yeah. Isn't it crystal method, like, you see shit? Like ride the snake and shit like that? If you take enough Adderall, you'll see. You'll see shit. But tell us about it.

[P]

Okay. Should I. No. I mean, I had. So I had some. I had neighbors who could get it, and that became an option for me whenever I was out of Adderall. You know, a good neighbor help a guy in need.

[C]

So some neighbors give you baking soda. These neighbors like crystal?

[M]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[P]

And I don't know.

[A]

Works. What's the wildest thing you've ever done on crystal meth?

[P]

Oh, that's a very good question, Tony. That's an excellent question.

[A]

Look through your peephole a lot. Out to outside.

[P]

Yes.

[A]

Let your.

[C]

Let your students dress you with their hand me downs from wieners?

[P]

Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. Searching through the carpet naked. Looking for more maybe.

[A]

Ooh. Why 3:00am why naked?

[P]

Because porn's on.

[A]

Oh, okay. What kind of porn you watching on crystal meth? Anything crazy? What's the wildest porn you've ever watched?

[P]

That's a great question.

[A]

Penguin porn?

[P]

Straight porn.

[A]

Ooh.

[P]

Interracial porn.

[A]

Ooh, right.

[C]

Getting warmer.

[F]

Now say the truth.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Clowns and midgets.

[F]

You know, I hate to say this. This might not hit unless you're up close. You do look like the clown from IT on his day off.

[P]

I'll tell you.

[A]

Thank you.

[F]

Facially.

[P]

Perfect. Perfect. I get told I look like a lot of people. Somebody said I look like Charlie Kirk this week.

[C]

Not great.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Not great.

[P]

I got Mr. Bean.

[A]

Yep.

[D]

I was like, wow.

[P]

Middle schooler knows Mr. Bean. That's. I was impressed.

[A]

Yeah. What do you substitute teaching Exactly.

[P]

Everything. All grades.

[A]

You the guy that puts on, like, a video sometimes?

[P]

We watched a video.

[A]

Yeah, but sometimes you try to go with the current. Current program.

[P]

I try, yeah.

[C]

You ever throwing some interracial porn just to see what they.

[P]

No, never.

[C]

Just make it small talk.

[P]

I was called Mr. Epstein this week.

[C]

That was also not great.

[A]

Not great. Yeah.

[P]

But I was surprised they knew who that is.

[A]

What did you have to do to get that moniker?

[P]

Walk around.

[A]

Wow. Just be me.

[F]

Do they bully you?

[P]

Yes, they bully me every day. The middle schoolers just. I was called a ass.

[A]

Oh, there we go. Okay. The guy that called you, the kid that called you that, what did he look like? What race was he?

[P]

He was black.

[A]

Yeah, there you go.

[C]

Do you fire back?

[P]

I did not.

[F]

Oh, you had a word you could have used.

[R]

I did.

[A]

Depending on what part of Houston you were in. Yes. So when they call you. So what were you. Why did that kid call you a pussy ass bitch? Was there context to that situation?

[P]

He said I disrespected him. After I told him that, I said, this is an ab conversation. You can see your way that way.

[B]

Wow.

[F]

Black people hate the Alphabet.

[A]

Yeah. He's like, like, I'm going to stay n it.

[P]

And I was like, hey, come over here and tell the coach what you said.

[C]

It's like, well, you try to rat him out?

[F]

Are you tattled?

[A]

You?

[B]

I.

[A]

You really are. You really are a ass.

[D]

Yeah, I am.

[F]

Kid was right.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

You're like, say it to his face,

[P]

cuz I'm too big of a to say it.

[A]

That's right.

[C]

No, Cap, you are patient. But I would like to see you or hear about you snapping on one of the kids. Because I feel like there's for every patient. Sweet. You know, affable dude is a streak of rage.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Certainly feels like it's building up within you. You seem like the kind of guy you might be. The first ever teacher that is the school shooter. Oh, God. It's only a matter of time. No, it would be a first. For those of you keeping track, no teachers. Almost 85% trans people nowadays are the shooters. So it could be. The odds are higher that it would be McKenzie Jewell than Kyle Clinton.

[P]

Now I have an intercom. I have to get louder than them. I have to get my voice above theirs so they can hear me, but I can't.

[A]

Yeah.

[P]

Do anything like.

[G]

Shut up, pussy.

[A]

The kid that called you Mr. Epstein, did it make the class laugh because your real name is Mr. Clinton. I'm starting to make that connection in my head right now. Is that what it was? Ah, Mr. Clinton. Wow, look at that. Those kids are smart. That wasn't even president when those kids were born. Okay, you had a great set, Kyle. We absolutely love you. Here's a big joke book. Boom. We're having fun here tonight. You guys having fun out there? How about the upper balcony? Are you guys having fun? Whoa. My goodness gracious. All right. Onward we go, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise. To your next bucket bowl. It is Nunzio Gianni, everybody. Nunzio. A little pop. A local pop for Nuncio.

[J]

How we doing today, Houston? Awesome. My name's Nunzio Gianni. I'm actually coming from Miami for my birthday.

[R]

So I don't know if we got

[J]

any folks from Miami or Miami. I know the strippers are amazing. I love them too. I'm fairly young. I moved to Miami when I was 16. Dating was actually really hard. 16 into 18, early 20s. Because Miami's not a place for somebody young like me.

[O]

But I guess I got a taste

[J]

and some strippers and hoes, so I think I could do all right. I'm Puerto Rican and Italian. My ethnicity is kind of hard to pick. When I come to Texas, I'm either Mexican or colored.

[R]

So.

[J]

Guys, I'm really nervous. Guys. This is my first time.

[A]

All right? I'm Gonna cut you off there, Nunzio. Gianni. This is the first time Kill Tony's had its own halftime show. Everybody. How exciting to have an illiterate Puerto Rican up here responsible for entertaining us. Absolutely amazing, Nunzio.

[F]

Horse bunny.

[A]

Yeah, Bad, funny. Okay, Nunzio, did you prepare for this at all?

[J]

You know, I did about a year ago. I wrote a minute we were supposed to come for my birthday, but I didn't review, so.

[A]

You didn't review.

[F]

Puerto Ricans are lazy.

[J]

Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's all right.

[A]

That set was garbage.

[J]

It was. It was certainly garbage.

[A]

Okay, okay, Nunzio, let's at least try to salvage this in the interview portion. How old are you?

[J]

I'll be 22 next week.

[A]

Okay. What do you do for work?

[J]

I'm a mortgage broker.

[A]

A mortgage broker? Jesus God. Is that what you wanted to do?

[J]

No, but I do want to do it now I kind of find myself into it and I. I do really like it cuz I. I genuinely do have the opportunity to help people.

[A]

So you're into it? Yeah, yeah, it's amazing. We're doing the Intuit Dome in Los Angeles. Angeles. 16,000 seat venue in LA in May at the Netflix is a joke fest you set into it. It made me think of the wild success that I got by not being a mortgage broker and chasing my dreams.

[C]

Right.

[A]

Amazing. So you seem like a decent looking guy. Right? What's your love life like?

[J]

A little difficult. You know, I'm really busy with work a lot of the time, but. Whoa, guys, come on on. You guys think I'm not laying some puss? Give me a break.

[A]

You guys don't think I'm laying puss over here, huh?

[J]

I'll tell you. Look, look, I'll tell you honestly. Miami's a tough place to, to genuinely find somebody that you like.

[A]

What are you talking about? It's literally like it's always hot. Like it's like everyone's like humid and they're pulling out their all the time.

[J]

Oh no, I love it.

[K]

It's great.

[J]

Great for me to have a good time, but in terms of.

[A]

But you're trying to settle down.

[J]

Oh, I would appreciate a girl to like kick it with, you know what I mean?

[A]

But you can't find one.

[J]

Miami's tough, okay?

[A]

You just keep saying Miami's tough.

[J]

Well, especially for me, guys. I moved to Miami when I was 16.

[A]

So where did you move to Miami from? I'm trying to save you here. If you just focus on me, pretend like it's just me and you you in the room, but don't be gay about it.

[O]

All right.

[A]

Okay. So where are you trying to find good women at in Miami? Where are you going to try to find them or what are you doing? Are you on the apps?

[J]

No, I don't like the apps. No, usually, usually at strip clubs.

[A]

Just focus over here. Focus over here. Oh, you're trying to find a good girl at a strip club.

[J]

Well, you know, sometimes you can find a good one.

[A]

Have you ever found a good one at a strip.

[H]

Strip club?

[J]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Okay.

[J]

My, my, my mom actually works in a lot of the major clubs in.

[A]

Your mom works at major strip clubs? Yeah. Yeah. What does your mom do at the strip clubs?

[J]

Well, she does not strip. I want to make that clear.

[O]

Okay.

[J]

She VIP host.

[C]

The crowd was hoping for that to be your one redeeming fact.

[A]

Yeah, everybody wanted her to be a, like a 35 year old strip stripper that shoots ping pong balls out of her ass or something. Yeah, yeah, I just made the. What, the guy come in his pants? All right, there's got to be a saving grace here. Nunzio Gianni, I'm trying to save you here. Give us one fun fact about you or your entire life that will win over the entire crowd here in Houston, Texas. There has to be something that you've done, some accomplishments, something. He's looking to his family like this is the Price is Right. He's looking for advice in section 101 here.

[J]

I grew up in a funeral home.

[A]

Oh, you grew up in a funeral home. Okay. How did you grow up in a funeral home? Tell us about that.

[J]

It was my great grandfather's funeral home and then it became my mother's. She handled it for the most part.

[A]

Your mom was working at a funeral home and strip clubs home? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you have a dad in your life?

[B]

You know, I did.

[J]

It was kind of difficult, but yeah,

[A]

I, I did have a dad. What do you mean it was difficult?

[J]

We, I was split between two households, so.

[A]

Ah, yeah. Let's check in with hall of famer Adam Ray here. I'm going to see what's going on in your head.

[C]

Yeah, this is not great what's happening, but, you know, you're staying in the pocket. I got to give you some credit. You're, you're, you're not like, you know, crying or turning and running out through the curtains, so it is tough to be up here. What the people booming don't realize is it is tough to walk out here and even try.

[A]

So yeah, that Is true.

[C]

You know, but this is. This has been pretty bad.

[G]

But.

[A]

But.

[C]

But you got to. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. Can we. Can we ask Carrie homophobe what he thinks up there in the third balcony?

[A]

Hey, the. The.

[P]

The.

[A]

What the fuck guy. What do you think about Nunzio Gianni? Only. Only that guy and everyone else be quiet. Everyone else be quiet. And here we go. Okay, A bunch of people tried. We knew that was gonna happen. Turns out a lot of guys have an opinion about you. Let's check in with Kim Congdon here.

[F]

Well, I just. I just really noticed something, and maybe I could give a little piece of advice. You're half Italian, half Puerto Rican, but you're like. Like, the energy you're giving is like cokehead frat bro. Like, I think you need to lean into more who you are. Like, what's the most Italian and Puerto Rican thing about you?

[A]

What is the most Italian? Well, let's start with Puerto Rican here. What's the most Puerto Rican thing about you? You don't recycle.

[F]

You don't work on a joke for a year.

[J]

I like the dance.

[A]

Okay, you know what? Michael. Michael and the horns. Give us a little Puerto Rican something here.

[R]

That much?

[A]

Come on. 1, 2, 3, 4. Oh, there it is. Hey, that's what they're good at. Everybody. There you go. That's good. That's good. All right, stop. That's enough. It's unbearable.

[F]

Oh, there's ice.

[A]

Okay, I'm getting you out of here. Nunzio Gianni. Here's a little joke book o right off the chest. Wow.

[J]

Thank you.

[A]

Y. I mean, if you're going to boo, you might as well boo. There you go. Get it out of your systems. The good news is this is working out. The flow of this show is working out perfectly. Because coming off of. Oh, my God. Valerie Vaughn. Like I said, every time someone struggles, there's always something there to clean up the mess. And this is working out great. After every golden ticket winner or regular or whatever we've had so far, Someone does good, and then some. Someone does bad, and then I always have something to clean up the mess. This is another one of those situations. This episode is brought to you by White Claw Surge. Nice choice hitting up this podcast. No surprises. You're all about diving into tastes everyone in the room can enjoy. Just like White Claw Surge. It's for celebrating those moments when connections have been made and the night's just begun. With bold flavors and 8% alcohol by volume.

[E]

Unleash the night.

[A]

Unleash White Claw Surge. Please drink responsibly. Hard seltzer with flavors. 8% alcohol by volume. White Claw Seltzer Works Chicago, Illinois. Ladies and gentlemen, this next comedian won a golden ticket live in an arena on Netflix on New Year's Eve. She is with us here tonight. An absolute sensation makes the noise for one of the newest stars of Kil Tony. This is the Houston day of Young everyone. You know her, the little Chinese devil.

[N]

What's up?

[A]

Yesterday,

[N]

We just finished the Black History Month. Fuck Black History Month. Fuck Asian hair this month. Why did they make our calendar racial? Seems like everywhere I go, they want to ask for my race. You apply for a school, what's your race? You apply for jobs, what's your race? See, where I grew up, they don't ask that question. Because we're better at keeping our bloodline pure. So many different races to pick from under that question, too. Hispanic, non Hispanic, black, white, Pacific Islander. In Asian countries, we'll just put people into two categories. Asian or intruders. Thank you.

[A]

Boom. Another exactly. Exact minute from Young. Very funny. Great stuff. It is true. You guys keep your breadline pure. Very. Remind us, how long have you been in America?

[N]

Since 2012.

[A]

14. Is there anything that surprised you about all the white people that you saw all of a sudden?

[N]

I think white people are very good at being functional. Drug addict. I snorted cocaine for 10 years, and I'm helping people with the health care.

[A]

That is amazing.

[C]

That was pretty good.

[A]

It's like RFK junior And you're like PF Chang's junior.

[C]

I think I met you at the Rubbing tug about six days ago.

[A]

I love it.

[C]

Too soon.

[N]

I love you, Adam. Can I please get on Dr. Phil live?

[A]

There you go. Yeah, sure. She wants to be on Dr. Theo Live.

[O]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Dr. Theo. Yeah, yeah, Yang. So your introduction to all different types of cultures was here in America because in China, there really is basically just Chinese people. After meeting black people, what do you think is the blackest thing about you?

[N]

I've done a lot of black things. I was trying to save up for Dodge Challenger.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[F]

Black as hell.

[C]

That is tonight's Doritos joke of the night.

[N]

I was actually. I aborted a half black baby. I was pretty bad.

[A]

You did? Yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[N]

Rest in peace, laquinxia.

[C]

Oh, God damn it.

[A]

Goodness.

[N]

If I kept her, she'll look like King K. That is true.

[A]

That is amazing. Oh, goodness.

[N]

No, no, I'm just kidding. I never had an abortion. My mom did, though. My mom had three abortions before me.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Let's cut to a clip. We don't have it. We don't have it.

[A]

Why did your mom have three abortions before you?

[N]

She just hated my dad.

[A]

Were they boys? It's the opposite in China. Red band. Yeah. They abort the girls.

[N]

Not anymore.

[A]

Not anymore.

[N]

Now they need girls. Now they have too many boys.

[A]

Right? Yeah. It backfired stuff. I love it. Now, one thing that we've learned about you, Young, because you, you've had a lot of appearances since you became a golden ticket winner on New Year's Eve, is that you're a very sneaky roaster. You make fun of people. Has anyone ever roasted you?

[N]

I mean, I get attacked online all the time. People, you know, trying to say shit online all the time, but I don't take it personally. But one time, you know, in this country, like, it's hard to survive. And one day my mom called me. She's like, you know, it's hard. Why are you here? You're struggling, and she said, nobody's going to help you. Nobody's. You'll never find anyone that will truly love you in this country. And that kind of hurt.

[A]

I'll help you. Oh, look, you got Redband here.

[N]

Redband has been stalking me online like he follows all my social media. Like, I see him popping on my TikTok suggested account.

[F]

Yeah, well, your name is his type of girl.

[A]

Onlyfans. Yeah. You went from breadline to the breadline.

[N]

Yeah, I'm not concerned. I think red bands, like his face is getting dark. I was concerned that his wife is being slowly poisoning him because

[A]

could be a lot of. A lot of, a lot of late night home cooked burrata cheese. Gives me a lot of pills.

[N]

No, she's gonna play the sound effect at his funeral. Cha ching,

[E]

mommy.

[B]

Cha ching.

[C]

Only you can say that.

[A]

I got in trouble for saying that once.

[N]

Yeah, I can say it. Let me say it.

[A]

Hell yeah.

[N]

Just like how you point the cam.

[A]

Young, you are hilarious. Adam, is this your first time seeing Young?

[C]

First time. Hilarious. Met you at the mothership a few times. But very funny to see you live. Great job.

[A]

This is your first time in Houston. I happen to know for a fact you had your first time ever at a Buc EE's on the way here.

[R]

Yeah.

[A]

What did you think about BUC EE's?

[N]

Well, everything is bigger and better in Texas.

[A]

Smart. Hell yeah.

[F]

I love Texas Pandering.

[N]

What?

[A]

Okay.

[N]

Puerto Rican together would cause the most traffic in America.

[A]

Could do some red light, yellow light. That's what I call you two Young. You are a gem. You're so different than everybody else. I just see a little superstar every time I see you. How about one more time for young everybody? Let's keep it moving. Moving along. We have our first one word name of the night. Now these always historically, historically, if you end up looking at the statistics of the last 13 years of Kill Tony, you will find that the one word names are always, always a little something. They're either brilliant, insane, anything can happen, make some noise. But what I believe is the Kill Tony debut of Smithy, everybody. SM I F L fy Sniffy. Oh, hell yeah. Here we go.

[O]

Sup? You guys are easy. Y' all ever try to be friends with a gay person? I have, cuz I'm progressive. But you got to watch out for them, cuz them niggas, they will try to you. Like, I went out with Buddy and we went shot for shot. We was having a great fucking time. But he waited until I got good and drunk and he started trying to challenge me to like, weird games. He was like, yo, I bet you I could beat you in a dick sucking competition. And that shit really blew me. Cause I'm like, there's no way I'm gonna lose to a. Like, wait, listen, I'm not gay. I'm just competitive. Listen, times are changing. Times are changing. We got old nigga Y N's now. Like, I don't know if y' all ever thought about this, but whatever happened to old black people? They used to be in the church. They used to give great advice. A old nigga at my job last week came up to me. He was like, where the hoes at, nigga? Your kids are the hoes. What are you talking about? All right. Yeah, that was my time.

[A]

Smithy. Yeah, Smithy. Welcome, welcome.

[O]

What's up, Tom?

[A]

How you doing, buddy? How long you been doing standup?

[O]

About a year.

[A]

I love it. All here in Houston?

[O]

No, I started in Savannah, Georgia.

[A]

Okay. Is that where you're born and bred?

[O]

No, I'm from Connecticut.

[A]

Okay. Wow. The rare, very rare Connecticut black. What made you move to Savannah?

[R]

I don't know.

[O]

I just got out. I was living in Missouri. I was in the military. So, like, after living in Missouri, being around like, like white country people, I was like, I want to be surrounded by black country people. So, hell yeah.

[A]

What. What branch in the military did you swing from?

[O]

Oh, wait, you, you, you, bitch.

[A]

You got you. I got ya. No, but seriously, what'd you do in the military? Black ops.

[O]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Black Black Hawk down. All right.

[O]

This guy's good.

[A]

Yeah.

[O]

No, I was in the army. Yeah.

[A]

Okay. What did you do in the army?

[O]

The real man. You said what.

[A]

What did you do in the army?

[O]

I was a mechanic.

[A]

Nice. Okay.

[H]

Awesome.

[A]

Did you serve overseas at all?

[O]

Just Korea.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[O]

Like, a little bit in like Kuwait.

[A]

What was. What was Korea like? Any. Did you get to have any fun out there to go out?

[O]

Not at all. Really. Honestly, it was like the most depressing time of my life.

[A]

Tell us about that.

[B]

Why?

[O]

So I had an ex at the time and we had broke up. So I was just in Korea, just heartbroken, just eating chicken, getting explosive diarrhea. It was. It was really. It was really a. It was a. It was a trying time. Like, I got to buy like a bunch of. They have like all the clothes there, so it was like I got to get like a bunch of drip. It was cool.

[A]

Okay. Korean drip.

[O]

Yeah.

[A]

Amazing. Okay, Smithy. Now do you live here in Houston now?

[O]

Yes, sir.

[A]

What made you move to Houston?

[O]

Honestly? Your show. I just didn't have any money to move to Austin.

[A]

Three hours away

[O]

takes money, Tony.

[A]

Do you sign up for Kill Tony? Sometimes.

[O]

Actually, I've only. This is my second time.

[A]

You signed up once in Austin. Didn't get up. Up.

[O]

Funny. Funny enough. It's like, I didn't go to Austin. I went to LA to like the Forum show.

[A]

Interesting.

[O]

Yeah, but I didn't you pick la? I don't know, I just. I just trying it. I was like, I don't know. I like sometimes I like trying my luck. I was like, this might work out.

[A]

It worked out tonight.

[O]

Yeah.

[A]

Amazing. So you live here in Houston now. What do you do for work?

[O]

I'm a truck driver.

[A]

A truck driver?

[O]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, my goodness.

[O]

I'm bringing sexy back.

[A]

I love it when. When people drive by you and go like this, do you honk the horn? Okay, Red band. We know you have a soundboard.

[C]

Thank you.

[O]

Only little kids, right? Grown ass man is get the.

[A]

Really? Because I do it. I do it all the time.

[B]

Me too.

[O]

Like this.

[A]

Oh, you son of a. No, you son of a. I. I swear to God, you do that one more time, I'm going to give you the toothiest blowjob you've ever gotten in your life. I'm telling the tooth. Tooth or false?

[O]

Don't throw at me with a good time.

[A]

Okay, well, you relax. You relax, Smithy. All right. Okay. So why haven't you made the drive to. If you moved to Houston for Kil, Tony, why Haven't you made the drive to Austin to sign up?

[O]

Cuz it's like I be working, man. It's like, it's hard. It's like I be tired and I got insomnia. So I'm like always tired. I'm wearing these. People think I'm wearing these guys because I'm lit. I'm just tired.

[A]

Okay. That's the same reason why D Madness wears his. Not a lot of people know that. Not blind. He's just tired sometimes.

[C]

How do you stay awake if you're driving the truck for so long?

[O]

Caffeine.

[A]

Yeah, I'm wired. What do you exactly do you have a special regimen that you go through? What?

[O]

I just usually, to be honest, it's probably not healthy. It's like, just like thermogenics and like Celsius.

[A]

Okay.

[O]

Yeah.

[A]

Thermogenics and Celsius. Those are your cousins names?

[O]

Yeah. You know what's funny? I actually been trying to like. I don't know how to pronounce your name. Is it Kim Condom or is Ken? How do I say that?

[F]

It doesn't matter.

[O]

Okay, Sorry.

[A]

Smithy, do you have a girlfriend now?

[O]

No.

[A]

No. What's your dating life like?

[O]

To be honest, I like. I'm pigeon toed. So it's like I don't get a lot of girls because of that. Like when I walk, it's like.

[A]

Let me see. Put the mic in the mic stand and then walk past Michael's drums. Walk that way. Sweet ass.

[O]

That's not bad at all.

[A]

All right. Walk back towards me. Damn. I know, I. Yeah, fun fact. He did his pants halfway on that walk. Your pigeon asked as well. Anyway. You think that's what's stopping you from having a girlfriend?

[O]

Probably.

[A]

Wow. No it's not. It's amazing. When's the last like date you went on or something?

[O]

I don't even know.

[A]

How long have you lived in Houston?

[O]

Probably like two years.

[A]

Two years?

[O]

But it costs like 50 bucks to just go outside. So I was like, like I just play video games.

[A]

Don't you make money driving trucks?

[O]

Yeah, but it's like I gotta save it.

[A]

For what?

[O]

For my dog.

[A]

You have a dog?

[O]

Yeah,

[C]

for your dog's drinking hat. Like what is. What are you buying for your dog that he needs so much money?

[O]

He's spoiled man.

[C]

What are you getting?

[O]

And I'm a black guy, so it's like I don't dress like a black

[A]

guy, but oh, I remember he's saving across the chain. Saving up for a dodge challenge. What do you spend your money on? Give us some fun things that you. A belt.

[O]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, well, you stole that. But what. What do you spend your money on? What kind of dog do you have?

[O]

He's a hound slash boxer mix.

[A]

Okay.

[O]

Yeah. Jumpy little.

[A]

Yeah. Why not a pit bull? Well, that is a racist question. Red band. And when you say things like that, it makes. Makes people of color not want to sign up for the show. Why not a pitbull?

[O]

They have, like, pet laws, like, so they have an aggressive breeds policy. So if you stay in, like, apartment complexes, you can't, like. Yeah, you can't have certain dogs.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So instead you got a boxer hound.

[O]

Wait, you said what?

[A]

Nothing. Smithy, give us one more fun fact about your life before I get you out of here.

[O]

I just found out a couple weeks ago.

[L]

Weeks?

[O]

I'm a dancing ass. It's like, me too. I could tell. So usually we can spot our own.

[A]

Yeah. When you say you're a dancing ass friend of ours, what exactly do you mean?

[O]

It's like, I was walking in, like, HB a couple days ago, and, like, I had my.

[A]

Make some noise for heb, ladies and gentlemen. I mean, it can't go. I will not let it be mentioned without giving it its own special time on this show. It is just an unbelievable anomaly. We were talking about it literally on the way here on the bus here, because we stopped at BUC EE's, which is a national treasure, and the conversation just comes up every goddamn time. Texas has the best gas stations. We have the best grocery stores. We have just the life. Winter life lasted two weekends this year. It is unbelievable. Tell us about this trip to HEB Now.

[O]

I just had my headphones in. It was like I was playing, like, grinding by the Neptunes and I just freaking pop lock.

[A]

So crazy. I was literally playing that on the drums earlier, asking my dear black friend John Dees if he knows that song. And. And it's the only song that we talked about about before the show was Grindin by the clips. Am I correct? He can confirm. And then what happened when you were playing Grindin? You were dancing in the heb. And then what? Someone entered you into a dancing competition? You found out you were dancing?

[O]

Nah, it's like sometimes you just come to realizations. It's like, you know, like, the first time you probably figured out you was gay.

[A]

Yes, absolutely. I was in an heb. I had my headphones on. I fell onto a breadstick, and why don't we hear? Why don't we see a Little bit of dancing from you. And then we're gonna have the great hall of famer, Adam Ray, who happens to also be a dancing ass. We're gonna have a little dance competition here. I'm gonna throw Adam on the spot. The legend, Adam Ray. Let's let him go first. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Smithy, everybody. This is our cover of the Clips. Grinding. Oh, whoa, oh. Go, pigeon toe. Go pigeon toe. It's your birthday. Oh, whoa, whoa, oh. Oh, my goodness. There he goes. There it is. Breaking into the jewelry store. That's what we call that dance.

[C]

Oh, wow. That's literally what I was gonna do.

[A]

Now, ladies and gentlemen, a man who's never taken a loss in the history of the show doing his dancing ass. Oh. Oh, my God.

[E]

Oh.

[A]

Oh, the peep over the window seal. Oh, the. I'm. I don't know how to swim. Oh, my goodness.

[I]

It's.

[A]

Whoa. Oh, he transferred it.

[E]

Whoa.

[A]

Oh, he's got his heart. Oh, he took a bite of his heart. Oh, my God. Oh. Oh, my God.

[B]

He got a junction.

[A]

How about a hand for Adam Ray, ladies?

[C]

I panicked. I thought, what would the closet of gay guy do?

[A]

What?

[E]

The butt.

[A]

You were getting smiffy with it. Smiffy. You are so fun. Amazing stuff. Here is a big joke book from Bonsai that just so happens to be plated in gold. Because I know your people like things like that. That Smithy. Ladies and gentlemen, take note. A black man has never dropped a joke book in the history of the show 13 years running. They don't know how to not catch things, including hiv. Now your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. That's so stupid. Goes by the name. Make some noise for Chris Martinez, everybody. Your first, what appears to be Houston True Latino up at night. There he is.

[S]

Hell, yeah. Sorry for spilling that drink on you, by the way. That was rude of me. Appreciate you guys up there. Yeah, I'm not, but I spent $15 for rocks. Anybody have that problem? I don't know. I'm starting to think that Cam Patterson sold out. You know, he. He jumped off the Kill Tony show, went straight to SNL, and all of a sudden, he's selling rocks for $15. It's like they were promised to him 3,000 years ago. Am I right?

[I]

All right, all right.

[S]

Well, enough about the Jews. Let's talk about Corpus Christi. Texas is where I'm from. Donald Trump was just there yesterday. Everybody give a hand for Donald Trump, the greatest president to ever live. You see this beautiful bridge? I Built that bridge. My administration, we built it in 2017. Sleepy Joe Biden. Sleepy Joe Biden, he cut. He cut the port, he cut the funding, and then we brought it back in 20. In 2020. You can boo all you want, but he's the greatest president. Am I right, Tony? Am I right? Let's not get too political, though, okay?

[A]

He went over his time there, Chris. I'm gonna stop you. He's the only president, right? There's only one. So you spent the first 10 seconds apologizing to a group of people that you spilled a drink on that no one would have ever known about.

[S]

Yep.

[A]

And then you took shots at one of the most beloved humans in the history of the show, a person that these people all watch do a new minute and an interview every single week. You don't like him? Is that the implication?

[S]

No, I love camp. I bought his rocks for 15 bucks. You know, you gotta love them. They told.

[A]

Is that true? I'm confused. No, it's like an online store or something.

[S]

No, it was actually at the Austin show.

[P]

The Austin.

[S]

The New Year's Eve show?

[A]

Okay.

[S]

Yeah, $15. They told me they might be signed, so I fell for it, I guess.

[A]

Dumbass. Yeah.

[S]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't understand. But all right, so you made a deal about that no one knew what you were talking about.

[S]

Yeah.

[A]

When you said that, and then you went on to do a bad impression of the current president in which you just said things that he's actually said before. There was no comedy added to it or anything like that.

[Q]

Yeah.

[A]

Did you. Have you ever done standup comedy before?

[Q]

Twice.

[S]

At the little pizza shop in Corpus Christi.

[A]

Okay, we know about that little pizza shop. Brick City or something. What's it called?

[S]

Mesquite Street.

[A]

Mesquite street, that's right. Okay, Chris, before I get you out of here, because you did nothing here tonight, somehow you're the only true Mexican that's been pulled, and you did less work than anybody.

[S]

Shout out.

[K]

Shout out.

[A]

Out to you. Okay, all right.

[S]

I love you, Adam Ray. You're the best.

[C]

Okay, I. I love you too, player. I thought we. I thought we deported all you guys.

[B]

What's going on?

[S]

And that's your topo chico joke of the night.

[A]

All right? No one knows how to bring the room to a halt like you do. It's incredible.

[S]

Love it.

[A]

Chris, before I get you out of here, give me one redeeming quality about you that'll make all these people fall in love with you, because right now. Now you've wasted three Minutes of I'm

[S]

just going to lean into the hate. I'm a door, too. Solar rep. I knock on your door for solar.

[A]

Yeah,

[S]

there's no.

[A]

That's okay. We're going to keep it moving along. Here's a little joke book. There you go. Chris Martinez, everybody. He caught it. Got to give him that. Caught it. There you go. There he goes. A strange eye contact and pointed. Adam Ray as he went, walks off.

[C]

I don't think I found a fan of my dance moves. He's like, I didn't know you could move like that.

[F]

That made me miss my mom. I don't know. That was sad.

[A]

Sometimes I just keep it moving along. Sometimes I think there might be an interview.

[C]

Trust your instincts.

[G]

Don't.

[A]

Sometimes I keep it flying. Your next bucket pool goes by the Name of Clay McLaren, everybody. Clay McLaren. Here we go. Here comes Clay McLaren. There we go.

[I]

Hey, everyone. How's it going tonight? Well, I'm probably gonna suck harder than that other guy, but I'm gonna do my best. So I had my first sexual interaction with a female to male transgender person. What sucked is that her clit was bigger than my dick. Also, I went and met some dude named, I don't know, like, Dr. Phil or something a while back. I gave him a hand job at BUC EE's. Also, I work at a comedy club, and I give many hand jobs there. The best part about it is that I get to eat all the cum.

[A]

What the. That was the punchline that you held your hand up and, like, made us all wait for. Just hand jobs. Hand jobs. Jerked off this guy, jerked off that guy. Thank you. Good night. You work at a comedy club. What do you do at the comedy club?

[I]

I'm in a bit sapping.

[A]

This must be the worst comedy club in the world. Where's this comedy club at?

[I]

It's in Houston.

[A]

What's it called?

[I]

Punchline Houston.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And you do event staffing?

[I]

Yes, sir.

[A]

Okay. You're adorable. I think you're funnier than what you did on stage tonight. So let's talk about it. I just want real answers out of you. Okay, Clay?

[I]

Yeah, of course.

[A]

How old are you?

[I]

I am 30.

[A]

30. When you wake up in the morning, truly, without trying to be funny, take us through your routine. What's the very first thing you do? Do you lay in bed for a little bit? Do you get out of bed immediately? What do you do?

[I]

Take a drink of alcohol.

[A]

I couldn't hear you because of the loud sound effect. That happened because my partner here is just so Good at his job. Go ahead.

[I]

Thank you, Red Van.

[J]

Go ahead.

[A]

What? What's the first thing you do?

[I]

Take a drink.

[A]

You take a drink. Alcohol?

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

You drink alcohol while still in bed? Yeah.

[I]

Even though I just got out out of rehab a while back.

[A]

Okay, perfect.

[I]

I fell off the wagon.

[A]

Okay. Oh, my. Yeah. Okay. Okay. So were you on rehab for alcohol? What's that? Were you in rehab for alcohol only?

[E]

Yeah.

[F]

Okay, that was a lie.

[E]

Yeah.

[I]

Yeah. I had to hesitate.

[A]

Let's talk about this drinking problem of yours. You're 30.

[I]

Yes.

[A]

And so what? Take us through a day of how much you drink.

[I]

Before I went to rehab, it was at least half a gallon a day.

[A]

Half a gallon of vodka?

[K]

Yes.

[T]

Wow.

[A]

Amazing. How did it get to that point? When did you start drinking? 21 or before?

[C]

Before.

[A]

Okay, how young were you? 19.

[I]

Maybe 20.

[A]

And were you drinking by yourself back then? No. You were drinking with friends?

[I]

Yes.

[A]

And then when did you start drinking by yourself in the morning like that?

[I]

Around 25.

[A]

25. What happened at 25 that made you start doing a little bit of heartbreak or something?

[I]

Yeah, I had some tumultuous relationships.

[A]

Okay. All right. When you say tumultuous, what exactly do you mean?

[I]

I was supposed to get married, and then I didn't.

[C]

Yeah.

[I]

Thank you.

[A]

Why didn't you? She walked out on you. She left you?

[I]

No, I left her.

[A]

What made you leave her? Hold on. Everybody. Shut up with your angry booze. Shut up. This is why the Astros can't win a World Series. You stop your booing. You, Houston. We laugh about you all the time, and meanwhile, you're only two and a half hours away from us, and we think you're sad. Shut up. The Rockets suck. The Astros suck. Yeah, he'll turn hinge. Click you. I'm interested in this guy's story.

[C]

For the record, Hakeem is my favorite player of all time. He's a man.

[A]

Yeah. I'm kidding. I like you guys, but go ahead. Oh, no.

[I]

She wanted kids. I wasn't financially stable, so I thought that it would be inappropriate to bring a kid into the world without being able to take care of it.

[A]

Right. Man, what did she do for work?

[I]

She didn't do jack lot about nothing.

[A]

She didn't work at all?

[I]

No.

[E]

No.

[A]

Meanwhile, she wanted a kid, and you're doing event staffing at a comedy club that barely has any events?

[I]

Yes, sir.

[A]

All right, so that's rough.

[C]

Can I ask the. The come punchline. When you said we were all like, it was, you know, you had. You came out with good energy, right? You came out, people were cheering, they were rooting for you. They wanted you to succeed.

[B]

Eat.

[D]

And then.

[C]

And then you built up, and you had this formula of like, I did this and I jerk out the thing, but the board. The best part about it is. And then you said, I eat the cum, and that felt like more like a confession than a. Than a punchline. So did you have other alternative punch lines like that you were deciding between, or did you just think that?

[I]

Just off the top of my head, yeah.

[C]

Eating come. You're just like, they'll love that.

[I]

Yeah, I. I eat come regularly.

[A]

Say it again. When you say you eat come regularly, what exactly. Exactly do you mean?

[I]

I mean, it's not like a recreational thing, but.

[A]

Answer the question. What do you mean when you say you eat come? It's a very simple question. You said it. I'm asking you what you mean.

[I]

Sometimes it shoots on my face.

[F]

Hold on, sir. I got this. What the.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, so you're gay? Sometimes.

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Okay. Are you. You consider yourself bi?

[C]

No.

[A]

You're just gay.

[I]

No, straight.

[A]

You're straight. But guys shoot. Come on your face sometimes.

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. I'm going to get you out of here. This is.

[I]

Hey.

[A]

D D Madness.

[I]

Did it.

[A]

Okay, Very good. There you go, buddy. There he goes. Yep, another drop. What is this? What? What is this, the Astros and the World Series? What are all these drops happening here tonight? Look how mad this is. Good. I love it. Your middle finger does nothing. You guys all have tiny middle fingers in this whole city. Look at all the tiny Houston middle fingers. You know, that's a thing in the water here, makes your middle fingers go small. It's a Houston thing. Look at. Look how tiny they are. They all look like little pinkies. O you love From Houston. Yes. From Ohio. Very good. The home of world leaders and whatnot. Yes, Mike. All right, we still haven't. How's my favorite, the upper deck doing up there? Oh, yeah. That's where the real winners are tonight. I'm telling you, I'm in love with the upper deck. There's a lot of sore losers with extra money down here. A bunch of spoiled kids that inherited it from their oil mining fathers. The real workers are up there. How about one more time for the upper deck, huh? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You hear that?

[C]

The chaos up there.

[B]

Look at this guy.

[A]

These people get it. All right, your next bucket pole, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Jasmine Flowers, everyone. Jasmine flowers. Hello.

[T]

I noticed patterns for a living, and I Noticed something. The Amish, they used to be elusive, but now they're everywhere. Tlc, hbo. I don't even have cable, but I see them every day. I'm starting to think that maybe there's a scam going on here. I'm not sure. I'm at that age now where everything I think is a scam.

[A]

But.

[T]

But, you know, they pretend they can't have cell phones, but then. But then that's scamming 101. Oh, my camera doesn't work. But anyway, so I feel like they had a meeting sometime. They had. They said, let's. There was no electricity, candles, let's build Barnes, churn butter and confuse the hell out of society. That's what it's like, basically. And I know one person at meeting said this could have been an email, but anyway, I'm just saying check the barns for WI fi. This has really changed. Anyway.

[A]

All right, Jasmine, that's overtime right there. I love it. Jasmine, welcome. Keep that microphone. I'm going to do an interview here because I love Madea does kill Tony. This is incredible. How long you been trying stand up?

[T]

About 90 seconds.

[A]

90 seconds, perfect. What made you want to start here tonight?

[T]

Saturday? Didn't have anything else to do, so let me drive out there and see what's happening.

[A]

I love it. But you. You watch the show sometimes. You know what it is?

[L]

Yes, yes.

[A]

So you tried it. You said that these Amish people are. There's. They're coming out of nowhere. There's a lot of them nowadays. Yeah.

[T]

They used to be elusive. You never knew an Amish person. I didn't know about Amish people, but now they're everywhere and everything. And they're supposed to be kind of against technology, but I just thought that was different.

[A]

Yeah. Jasmine, what do you do for work?

[T]

I'm an accountant.

[A]

You're an accountant? Yeah. Oh, my goodness gracious. What type of accounting are you doing?

[T]

Doing corporate accounting.

[A]

Wow. It's fun.

[T]

Really?

[A]

I love it. And you live here in Houston, Texas?

[T]

I do. I do live in Houston.

[A]

I love it. What part of Houston do you live in?

[T]

I live in the Westbury area near Meyerland. If people know that where that is in the city, Houston proper.

[A]

What are some of your favorite things to do here in Houston? You ever go to the Turkey Hut?

[T]

I've never been to the Turkey Hut, but I've had turkey legs at the Renaissance Festival. I like that.

[A]

Ooh, the Renaissance Festival. I didn't know black people went to Renaissance Festival.

[T]

Me and my friends a couple of us.

[A]

You guys probably really stand out at that Renaissance festival.

[T]

No, we don't.

[A]

Blacksmith. Red pan. Okay. Jasmine, you have a family?

[T]

Yes, I do. I have two kids.

[A]

I love it. How old are they?

[T]

23 and 21.

[A]

Okay. You did it.

[E]

Yes.

[T]

It's finished.

[A]

Heck, yeah. What are they up to, boys or girls?

[T]

I have a son that's a Texas Tech. This is his last year. Mechanical engineering.

[A]

Nice.

[T]

I have a daughter that lives in Milwaukee. She's a dog groomer.

[A]

Oh, nice. Yeah. Heck, yeah. Love it. And Jasmine, what do you do for fun? Do you have any hobbies or anything like that?

[T]

I walk a dog. I like to garden. Hang out with my friends. I like to garden.

[A]

Garden.

[T]

We're going fishing next month.

[A]

Okay. All right. Amazing. Interesting. Jasmine. So the kids are all grown up. You still have a man?

[T]

No.

[A]

Okay.

[T]

I don't have a man.

[A]

When's the last time you were with a man?

[T]

I've been divorced for probably about 10

[A]

years, but do you go on dates or anything? Have you been getting, you know, the old.

[T]

No, not really. Maybe, you know, I'm just enjoying doing stuff.

[C]

Kim wants to know when your last kiss was.

[T]

My last kiss? Maybe two years, three years.

[A]

Really? It's been that long?

[T]

Wow. Oh, God.

[F]

She's such a beautiful.

[A]

I'm enjoying it. I'm happy. I mean.

[F]

And she's such a beautiful lady.

[A]

Is there a guy out there that wants to give Jasmine a big smooch? Huh? Be part of Hill Tony history? You got to make it a good one. If I bring you up here, who do you think it is? Who's really going to go for it? Blue shirt right there. You think?

[T]

I need some water.

[A]

You need water? Have. Have some. Have some. Have anybody's water you want. You got it. All right. Who's going to do this? Are you going to do it? Pick one, Jasmine. I'll let you pick.

[C]

In the words of Uncle Laser, who's gonna make that five?

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Guy with the white beard.

[C]

Let's get January 7th over here.

[A]

Do you have a preference?

[T]

You have to be over 50.

[A]

You have to be over 50. Yeah, that guy with the guy with the beard can do it, but.

[C]

Oh, how about the guy with the cowboy hat? Cowboy hat?

[T]

The guy with the beard.

[B]

No, we should let you pick.

[A]

That guy with the white beard's gonna do it. Ladies and gentlemen, you're about to watch history. Oh, my God. Here we go. Only here in Houston, Texas. Here we go. Will a powerful black woman kiss a man that looks like he fought for the south in the Civil War. Watch your steps, sir. Please don't trip over courts. Ladies and gentlemen. What an amazing. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh, my God. Wow. Incredible. Wow. Thank you.

[T]

Thank you.

[A]

Look at that. Not the first time this guy's freed the slaves. Look at this guy. Holy.

[C]

This is what comes out of the game when you roll double sixes in Jumanji.

[A]

Watch your step, sir. Watch your step, Jasmine. How did that feel, you squirt?

[T]

I forgot. I forgot already. I. I can't remember.

[A]

I love it. She's mesmerized. All right, Jasmine. Thank you so much. There she goes. Jasmine. Flowers, everybody. She's a sweetheart. Guys are out here booing during sets. These guys are relentless here in Houston. All right, here we go, ladies and gentlemen. Your next comedian is one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. An absolute force of nature that you know that you love. One of the greatest interviewees in the history of the show. Sing it if you know the words, because I present to you the one and only. This is Hans Camp.

[D]

Hey,

[Q]

what's up, Houston?

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[Q]

Don't worry, I speak English. This isn't the super bowl halftime show. If I wanted to hear a bunch of Spanish, I go to a kitchen at Chili's. Stop trying to make me learn things. This is America. What's the point of having all these bombs if I have to learn? I do think it's fucked up that a lot of Mexicans are getting deported. I think if you're trying to reduce crime, deporting Mexicans is the least efficient way to do that. I've never been walking down a dark alley and heard the voice behind me be like, give me your money. It's usually some form of Ebonics, the language of robberies.

[A]

Yeah.

[Q]

I recently saw a black guy gardening. I was like, dude, you don't have to do that anymore. You can do larceny and retail theft as well now. I am working out right now. You know, I don't have to be stronger than a black guy. I just have to last long enough till the cops get there. All right, well, that's my time. Thank you guys so much.

[A]

Hans Kim has done it again. Again.

[E]

Wow.

[A]

How about the reception from that crowd just upon arrival?

[Q]

I know.

[A]

Thank you. Amazing. Thank you. Hansi Boy Kim live in Houston, Texas. How does Houston make you feel? How do you feel about all this?

[Q]

Oh, it's great. It's a big Texas city. A lot of anger can be unleashed upon me. So I. Yes. Trying to stay on the good Side of Houston. Lots of different types of, you know, Republicans and Democrats here that to piss off. It's just a lot of.

[A]

A lot of.

[Q]

A lot of people here.

[A]

A lot of different kinds of people.

[Q]

Yeah. Lots of love.

[A]

Lots of love. Absolutely. Have you been to Houston before?

[Q]

Yes. I actually double teamed a female here.

[C]

Whoa, that's got cool clip. No, still don't have it. Still don't have it.

[A]

My goodness. This was a fan.

[Q]

Yeah, she was pretty enthusiastic.

[A]

Who did you double team her with?

[Q]

Wonderful Austin comic that I don't think I should name.

[A]

Right. But. But a. But a buddy.

[Q]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[Q]

Not like, you know, Brian Redban or something.

[E]

Right.

[A]

It definitely wasn't Brian Red. You'd have to be able to get hard to have. Have sex with a woman. Just kidding. This reminds me. Bluechew, the official sponsor of Kill Tony. Wow. Tell us what it was like, double teaming. Which hole did you pick?

[Q]

Well, I actually. She was like bonded with me, which is pretty cool. So I actually had sex with her before my friend got there. So I already came inside of her vagina.

[L]

And then.

[C]

Thank you for that. I was about to ask where.

[Q]

I mean, that's.

[A]

Let me ask you. Did she tell you she was on the pill or something? Like, what made you come inside of her? Did you just do that?

[Q]

I just felt very open to the idea of that.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

That's not gonna hold up in court, by the way.

[Q]

It was a long time ago, but yeah, it was all legal.

[C]

Jesus.

[A]

She.

[Q]

Yeah. So I already came and then my friend came and she's like, I always wanted to do this thing. A roast pig or stuck pig. I talked about this before, but then I actually took the mouth area and he took the vagina. And I really wasn't as hard as I could have been.

[A]

Failed.

[Q]

Yeah. She wasn't really a roast pig. More like.

[A]

Now let me ask you this shishkabob. Let me ask you this

[C]

shish kebab.

[A]

Wow.

[Q]

Corn dog.

[C]

Okay, we got it. We got it.

[A]

Yeah, we. You don't need to keep naming it. Yeah, yeah. So your soft penis was in her mouth and your buddy was the hole that you had already nutted inside of. Did you tell your friend that you. That you came inside of her?

[Q]

Oh, I. I don't think I. I did.

[A]

So there's a chance that your buddy is gonna find out from watching this show.

[Q]

Yeah.

[A]

That the time that he hooked up with a chick with you, he was your cum.

[Q]

Yeah, I lubed him up.

[A]

I love that. He still looks like Hans has just Enough autism to look to think of it like you helped him out a little bit. Amazing.

[C]

If she gets pregnant, who's going to claim the baby?

[Q]

I. I mean, he was white and I'm Asian, so if it's smart, then it's mine.

[A]

It's a good point.

[C]

Touche.

[Q]

Let's see how he does on the SATs before.

[F]

How did. After work, like, right after you guys came, did you just keep hanging out

[C]

or he just five or.

[Q]

We crashed. He took the couch, I took the bed a little bit, and then we left. We drove back to Austin.

[A]

You said you crashed. Does that mean that you drove immediately afterwards?

[Q]

A cool, cool way to keep imagining

[F]

Hans trying to do an Eiffel Tower, but his dick is soft for her face keeps falling.

[A]

Oh, I'm so sorry. I can't get hard again. This is my Hans impression. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so soft. Oh, I'm so. So. Is there anything that you try to think of or do when you're trying to get hard? Is there? Okay, go ahead. Always the most honest answers. If you look at the history of the show, no one has better answers to my questions than Hans.

[Q]

Totally.

[A]

Always. Before I'm even done answering the question. Yes, Tony. Yes, actually, I do.

[C]

Honest Hans should be the name of your special.

[A]

Honest Hans. Yes.

[Q]

I think a lot of tickling stuff helps me a lot.

[A]

Dude, it's gross. Why is it gross?

[F]

No, Hans being tickled is disturbed.

[Q]

I'm not getting tickled. I'm tickling.

[C]

I'm the tickler K. Jesus.

[A]

Yeah. Somehow. Somehow it is disgusting. I'm starting to agree with Kim. I thought you were getting tickled, which is just weird. But now that I'm finding out that you're doing the tickling and that makes you hard. What is it about tickling a girl that makes you hard?

[C]

Great question, Tony.

[F]

When she squirms.

[A]

Yeah. The part where she's like, no, no, please don't.

[Q]

Yeah, that's most of my relationships with women. So it seems accurate. It seems period accurate.

[A]

Let me ask you this. I asked you what it takes, what you think about to make you hard. Here's a question I've never asked you before. Is there something that you think of when you're about to come too fast and you think of that to try to stop yourself from being so overly excited? Hans. Kim.

[Q]

I usually try to think of the woman that I'm making love with and what she would want. And I'm like, she wouldn't want me to come next.

[A]

Now.

[C]

We'll be right back. Felt like taking a break. Wait, Hans, do you and the guy chitchat during the do. All right, I don't know what I'm trying to ask, but you guys. I mean, is there. You know, there's dirty talk, right? But if he starts to talk, do you go, oh, sorry. Yeah, you go ahead. Or like.

[Q]

Yeah, I think there was a moment where we did, like, we did that exact thing. I forget, like, why, but yeah, I think we made like, hey, you can take the bottom, I'll take the top. And then it was just like, yeah. She was, like, making noises she didn't with me, which was kind of concerning.

[F]

Oh, no.

[C]

Were her noises better with you than with him? Like, did you get. Do you take it personal?

[Q]

Yes, he was getting better noises.

[A]

Wow. Wow. Amazing.

[F]

Were you guys, like, talking or, like, looking at each other?

[Q]

No, he wasn't trying to look at my.

[F]

I was like, can you sign me up for the mic later?

[Q]

I was looking at his dick.

[A]

You were?

[K]

Yes.

[A]

How was he not looking at you if you were looking at him?

[Q]

He was just like, head down, task at hand. He was a very.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And your dick was like boba T over there, like, in the mouth?

[Q]

Yeah, it was like boba tea. It's chewy.

[C]

Oh, God.

[A]

Oh, my God. Okay. Was he a white guy or a black guy?

[Q]

White man.

[A]

Okay, Right.

[C]

By the way, I don't think any girl's ever been like, yeah, Hans, give me that chewy dick.

[A]

Wow. My goodness, Hans, you are amazing. Anything else you want to tell the beautiful people of Houston, Texas?

[Q]

I bought a van for $13,000. That doesn't work. I wasted $13,000. I love your city, I think.

[A]

What do you mean you bought a van?

[Q]

I bought a sprinter van, thinking I could make it a van life van, even though I already have a van. I just bought a stupid van for no reason.

[A]

What made you do that?

[Q]

I was looking at my old van. I'm like, this van sucks. Let me. And then one of my friends was like, you should just get a new van. So I just got a new van, but it was a shitty, shittier version of the van.

[C]

What if this is what he and the other guy were talking about while they were double teaming the girl? I bought a second van. Did I tell you? Oh, sorry.

[A]

Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, coochie, coochie, co. Wow. So one could call you Von's Kim.

[Q]

Yeah. Van. I have the vans logo as my logo.

[A]

All right, ladies and gentlemen, that was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. All right, ladies and gentlemen, it's been a hell of a show. This is your final bucket pull of the night. How about one more time for Heidi and Val, everybody? You can check out their podcast, love on the line@Heidy Regina.com, follow the band on social media. Follow Adam Ray. He's on the you is me tour, going to Vegas at the Wynn and everywhere else. Adamraycomedy.com KimCongden.com and follow her at kimcongden. C O n G D O N. All right, your final bucket bowl tonight goes by the name of Devon Callahan, everybody. One last Houston bucket po.

[R]

All right. How you guys doing? Yeah. Yeah. I'm Devin Callahan. Callahan. Like Dirty Harry? Yeah. I see your face confused. He, like, I remember Dirty Harry. He wasn't this dirty. What the fuck's wrong with you? So, yeah, so I figured out not to bring it down. And I talk about death. I figured out the afterlife. I got it. It's two types of jokes. Go. One ghost, full body guy standing under a light, hey, it's my grandfather. Probably smoking a cigarette. Head to toe, it's a ghost. Second ghost, you just get like, a little haunting thing, and it's just like, no legs or nothing. Just feet up. Like, feet gone, knees up. And they're just running around like, oo. Their second type. Those are the motherfuckers. They died of diabetes.

[O]

Yes.

[R]

So it turns out in the afterlife, you don't get your feet back. It's like a punishment.

[D]

Yeah.

[R]

It's crazy. It's crazy. I need some friends. I need some new friends. I was chilling with my homies, and we were on a road trip, and I was like, hey, man, I'm getting kind of tired. Let's pull into somewhere. And I saw a hotel. L, A, Q, U, I, N, T, A. And I told my homies, hey, let's stay at La Quinta. Right? And they started laughing. They were like, ah, this fool crazy. It's Laquenta, fool. It's La Quinta.

[A]

Okay. Was that the end of the joke?

[R]

No.

[A]

Okay, finish it.

[R]

And so I was telling them, no. Laquenta is the chick that works at the front desk. But the establishment is La Quinta. Right?

[D]

Right.

[R]

Like, right, so.

[A]

Absolutely. Devin Callahan making his Kill Tony debut, right?

[R]

Yes.

[A]

You live here in Houston?

[R]

Port Arthur and Beaumont. I stay in Port Arthur, pa. Look at that.

[A]

All right.

[F]

Can you say the N word there?

[S]

Yeah.

[R]

But no, no, I don't want to though. We're nice. We're nice people.

[A]

You don't have to. You don't have to say it. Okay. Devin, what do you do for work?

[R]

I play piano. I play keys.

[A]

You're a professional piano player? Yeah. Really?

[O]

Yeah.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

How long you been doing that for like 20.

[R]

20 years.

[A]

20 years?

[O]

Yeah.

[R]

I'm all right. I'm alright. I'm alright.

[A]

Really?

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

That's amazing. I don't think we've ever had an actual piano player on this show before. You guys want to hear him play some piano? Fuck yeah. John D. Is the band leader. Normally doesn't share his piano with anybody. He's a tough cookie. He's old school. A lot of musicians don't like sharing their instruments.

[R]

And I know how it is, bro.

[A]

And he knows how it is. But now that he said. Oh, see, all he had to say, John, all he had to say was, I know how it is. I get it. And then look, he broke John Dees's little heart. Here he is, ladies. Look at this, look at this. Couple cousins just giving handshake. Oh yeah. Don't play anything copyrighted. It's got to just be kind of like your own, like original jam. John D's this my uncle. Oh, all right. Uncle Devin in the hisy housy won't say the N word cuz that's not nice. See, that's. That's how I think they should all be. All right. Oh my God.

[C]

This is what Hobbs was listening to during his double team.

[A]

Keep going, keep going. I'm gonna sing a little song when I'm in Houston. My favorite kind of pub is Gas Astro. I cheat like I'm an Astro. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep playing. Keep playing, dumbass. Keep playing.

[Q]

Oh.

[A]

Ooh. I put my finger in an electrical sock. He played music in an electrical socket more shocking than a wind from the Houston Rockets.

[E]

Oh yeah.

[A]

There's traffic all over this shithole town and there's no real live entertainment to be found. Cause all the artists moved to Austin or even Boston or anywhere to get lost in. Cuz art doesn't exist in Houston. But you can wash it down with some Aquafina. There's some left from Hurricane Katrina. Stupid. Stupid. How about one more time? Devin Callahan on the keys. Wow. His clip on the. I'm riffing. I'm just goofing around. Me and Adam used to play with the great Jeff Scott at the Comedy Store. We were the only two guys that used to rip with them. Rest in peace. We lost him during the pandemic cuz he got Covid and aids at the same time. All right, Devin, anything else crazy we should know about you before you go? What's the biggest white L lady you ever impregnated?

[R]

I, I, I hadn't had a chance yet. So we just saying.

[A]

I don't know if you saw Jasmine Flowers earlier, but there's a black woman that makes no sense whatsoever when she talks that really needs to be dicked down.

[R]

Oh, I met her. I saw her.

[A]

Yeah.

[R]

Nah, I'm, I'm, I'm okay.

[A]

Welcome to another episode of Nah with Devin Callan.

[F]

Is there a white lady that wants to be impregnated right now?

[A]

Yeah, of course.

[F]

Guys, that guy just hit his wife.

[A]

Of course, Devin. Thank you so much. There he goes. Devin Callahan.

[E]

Oh, the Puerto Rico.

[A]

You're the Puerto Rico guy. Thank you. Thank you so much. There he goes. Devin Po. He just realized who I was, everybody. Hey, wait, you're the Puerto Rico guy. There's a joke book. See you later. Ladies and gentlemen, like I said, Saturday nights are hard. On this show. We have created so many superstars that a lot of them were booked tonight in their own sold out shows around the world. However, I was able to secure the man who I think is one of the fastest young rising comedians in the world. You see him every week writing and performing a brand new minute. At one point, he was recognized as the dark storm of Atlanta, Georgia. And now he is the dark storm of Austin, Texas. I present to you the future. This is Dedrick Flynn, Houston.

[E]

Oh my God. And we in the South. This feel like the South. I love Houston. It's like a big ass Atlanta. My favorite Houston rapper, Pimp C. Pimp C once said something that meant everything to me. He said, nigga, I ate so much shrimp, I got iodine. Poison. Now Pimp C is known to lift his raps. And I'mma tell y' all that ain't shit. That nigga researched that happened to him. That nigga woke up in a hospital and a doctor was like, your blood levels with iodine. You about to die, pimpsy. He said, is somebody trying to poison me? He said, no, I don't think that. Let me think. Mr. Pimp C, do you ever eat a baller amount of shrimp? He's like, hell yeah. He said, how much shrimp do you eat? He was like, I don't know about this much. This much money is how much shrimp he eat. I've been chasing that iodine Poisoning my whole goddamn life. Thank y' all so much.

[A]

Houston.

[O]

Al.

[A]

Yeah, buddy. How's it going, Dedrick?

[E]

Man, them is mad at me for getting drunk in New York. Story wars. Which is. Which is crazy, cuz. What else was. It was 17 degrees. I got a drink at least to be warm. Yeah, it cost $100. Like, to breathe in New York. I got a drink. I had to take a $130 Uber to get from New Jersey all the way to Brooklyn. Nigga, I'm gonna drink. I had seven Long Islands. I was in Long Island. We call that a pantry.

[A]

Preach. Keep going. Keep going. For the love of God, keep going. I.

[E]

There's nothing but stairs in New York. This. I got lost as a on the train. I'm gonna drink. I'm a country boy. It was too cold for me to be up there. I don't know that I thought I was in a New York state of mind. I thought in New York it's supposed to be hard, but when a drink hard, y' all get upset. I thought we was having a party. If you came from where I came, you be in Paris getting up too.

[O]

Ah,

[A]

yeah. My goodness gracious.

[B]

Come on now.

[A]

Unbelievable. Dedrick, have you been around Houston a lot?

[E]

No, this is my first time in Houston.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

I love y'.

[L]

All.

[B]

I love y'.

[A]

All. Hell yeah. Houston loves you as well. Well, Derek, this is amazing. Would you like to tell the people what you got today on the way here?

[E]

Yeah, I just got this new Bucky's gold chain, cuz, that Matt R. Was talking about. Hey, I got match my teeth.

[T]

These chains.

[E]

These other chains is fake, as though they like $30 on Amazon, but they are gold colored.

[A]

You know, I have have so much buc ee stuff. It is incredible. I have blankets, I have mugs, I have magnets. I have so much buc ee's merch that it's incredible. And every time I stop at one, I obtain more. However, I never even knew there was a case with gold necklaces in it.

[E]

They walked me to it. When I got in, I put on my jewelry just to go to the BUC EE's.

[A]

You know, I don't even know how you found that.

[E]

It called out to me, Tony. I. I went to go buy some buc ee slides at first, and then as soon as I touched the slides, it said, you got to match it with a chain.

[A]

Yeah. Yep, Absolutely. Dedrick Flynn, what's been going on in life, buddy, other than that, that New

[C]

York,

[A]

it's no big deal. You got to remember, only 1.2% of the kel Tony fan base watches that show.

[E]

Yeah, but they was nice to me when I was in Brooklyn.

[A]

You do drink hard, though, right?

[M]

Like you.

[A]

You. You are a big drinker.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

Yeah, I'm from the South. Yeah, we make moonshine. Y' all make hunch punch out here. We don't make that cold here. I thought we was in the South. I thought we was in the South. I said, do we get our drink, though, when we get our paycheck? None of your business what I put in my body. What's in my cup is in my cup. If I want to drink a liquor casserole because it makes me feel good, that's what I call Long island, is a liquor casserole.

[A]

I'm getting word your preaching is going so hard in the paint. The jasmine flowers just had her diabetes cured.

[E]

Now. I've been. I've been cut. I cut back sometimes, cuz, but that wasn't even really me on the show because I didn't even have my grill. Because when I went to go check in my New York hotel, the hold on the card was more than I had on my debit card, so I just left my grills with them.

[A]

Are you kidding me?

[C]

Is this a real story?

[B]

Yeah, I didn't.

[E]

I didn't. I wasn't wearing girls on Star wars, so that really was. Wasn't even me for real. That was just Dedrick Flynn. That wasn't a dark storm. You know what I'm saying? But, you know, you asked for the storm, I bring the storm. You know, I gotta be a tornado sometimes. Tony let me off the leash.

[A]

You're the one putting yourself in chains, buddy.

[E]

Yeah, that makes hilarious. On the last day of Black History Month.

[C]

We'll be right black.

[A]

We'll be right back. I love it. Tedric, is there anything else crazy we should know about before we put a ribbon on this damn thing, man?

[E]

Huh?

[A]

Why you come to.

[E]

Why you come to Houston?

[A]

Why are you Houston?

[E]

Because I love this place. And I heard great things in rap songs. Why would I not want to come to Houston? If Kill Tony's in Houston, I'm in there. If K. Tony's in Dallas, I'm in there. When K. Tony's in Austin, I'm in there. And when Kim Tony go back to New York, bitch, I'm in there. We're not talking about love and shit. We in the sound.

[A]

Edric Flynn, the Dark storm of Austin for tonight is the dark storm of Houston. A little fun fact, everybody. And Tickets are not on sale yet, but we are coming to on October 17th. Save the date. We are doing a Kiltoni in Sugarland here at the Smart Financial Center October 17, so you could put that in your little calendar. We're coming back. Back. Whole different show, whole different everything. What else? Did you guys have a great night tonight? We did too. I know some people tonight are going to be partying out at the Colorado which is owned by some friends of the Kiltoni family. So there's a little heads up there and we love you guys. Band play a little music. Music One more time for Adam Ray, everybody. Adamrae comedy.com KimCongden.com Make Some Noise for Kim Congdon, everybody. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight, everyone. Whoa, that's a good one. Oh, look at that. A little Miami Vice. Skinny. I love it. How about one more time for our golden ticket winners and regulars. Enrique Chacone, Colin Sledge, Uncle Laser Young, Hans Kim and Dedrick Flynn. We love you guys. Red BAND guys, I love you.

[S]

Houston.

[O]

Houston.

[E]

Lap Stop.

[A]

Sherlock Laport, Texas Love you so much, guys. We love you. God bless Houston, Texas and God bless the United States of America. We love you. Thank you. Good night everybody. Sam. It. Sa. New Year, new me. Cute. But how about New year, new money? With Experian, you can actually take control of your phone finances. Check your FICO score, find ways to save and get matched with credit card offers giving you time to power through those New Year's goals. You know you're gonna crush start the year off right. Download the Experian app based on FICO scoring model offers an approval not guaranteed. Eligibility requirements and terms apply subject to credit check which may impact your credit scores. Offers not available in all states. See experian.com for details. Experian.