#741 - PAULY SHORE + ROSEANNE

Summary

Kill Tony #741: Pauly Shore & Roseanne Barr

Date: October 28, 2025
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, Texas
Hosts: Tony Hinchcliffe & Brian Redban
Guests: Pauly Shore & Roseanne Barr

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Episode Overview

This Kill Tony episode was a celebration of comedic icons and up-and-comers, featuring legendary guests Roseanne Barr and Pauly Shore. The evening was packed with sharp feedback, wild panel riffs, raw stand-up from bucket-pulled hopefuls, and the unpredictable energy Kill Tony is known for. Both headliners offered decades of wisdom and irreverent humor—sometimes tough, sometimes nurturing—helping to shape the night's stand-up hopefuls and offering up killer lines themselves.

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Key Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Grand Entrances, Booking Bragging & Setting the Stage

• Tony Hinchcliffe opened by hyping his recent booking talents, welcoming Pauly Shore and Roseanne Barr as “two of the best comedians of all time...about 90 years of combined stand up comedy experience.”
• (02:00 - 04:00)
  “Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you...Roseanne Barr and Pauly Shore! Oh my God. Get on your fucking feet!”

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2. Panel Banter & Personal Revelations

• Pauly described his wild weekend at the Mothership, riffing on the chaos and comparing Austin nightlife to LA:
  Pauly Shore: “How the fuck I get here every night is fucking beyond me, dude...” (04:10)
• Roseanne, in a heartfelt moment, credited Tony for helping her get sober after a previous, rowdier appearance:
  Roseanne Barr: “I got sober because of you, thank you Tony.” (06:27)
• Pauly joked about never getting sober:
  “I’m never gonna be fucking sober like Charlie Sheen, that fucking pussy.” (06:38)

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3. Jack Shaw’s Set & the Value of Anger in Comedy

(08:50 - 14:49)

• Jack did a minute on masculinity, being Jewish, and parental expectations.
• Tony and Roseanne interrogated his relationship with his mother and encouraged him to dig deeper into his latent anger for comedic gold:
  Roseanne Barr: “You should further plumb the deep wells of anger that I feel is inside of you...that simmering just under the surface.” (11:44)
• Highlight: Roasting Jack about his appearance and mother issues, keeping it sharp but constructive.

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4. Ashley Steinmetz’s Set & a Tough Lesson

(15:27 - 26:35)

• Ashley riffed on “Love is Blind” and over-sharing on social media, but was clearly nervous and used cue cards.
• Roseanne gave brutally honest advice about respecting the craft and not reading jokes on stage:
  Roseanne Barr: “Don’t disrespect us with that shit just cause you have a vagina. … You can't go up there with, you know, your shitty jokes wrote on recipe cards and read them off.” (25:17)
• The panel stressed memorizing material and “having punchlines.”

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5. Brian Cook & the K2 Set

(28:06 - 36:12)

• Brian’s premise: pain inspires music greatness (“let’s kill all his friends”...) and musings on synthetic drugs.
• Tony and Redban probed his life, money woes, K2 (“oregano with carpet cleaner on it”), and his viral Kill Tony moment.
• Roseanne’s advice: Lean into the persona of being drugged out—make the material match the performance.

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6. Phoenix Provocateur, Gender, and Family Ties

(37:36 - 51:04)

• Phoenix, a trans woman, joked about her sex life, transitioning, and parental relationships.
• Tony asked about hormone effects, performance art, and steady relationship status.
• Roseanne pushed for richer material from Phoenix’s unique experience:
  Roseanne Barr: “You should have a wealth of jokes and some snapbacks...You’ve been on both sides of the street, and you should have something to say about it.” (44:48)
• Phoenix delivered a message to her dad (who apparently watches religiously):
  “If you called more often, you wouldn’t be surprised to know that I’m growing titties and keep my dick tucked between my shoulder blades.” (47:07)

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7. Tristan Bowling: Punchlines & NYC Comedy Life

(52:06 - 60:41)

• Golden Ticket winner with a tight, pro set on cats, racial/ethnic jokes, NY vs. Austin, and homelessness.
• Tony praised his growth since age 20, and the panel discussed the path of rising through Kill Tony.
• Pauly called out the show’s authenticity: “He really started here. This isn’t fake, man.”

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8. Austin Young: Size, Sleep Apnea & Likability

(61:06 - 69:32)

• Minute around gun ownership, body image, and sleep apnea.
• Panel banter about health, no girlfriend (“I just get really nervous and bring up January 6th…”), and being likable.
• Roseanne Barr: “You are really, really funny. You got all the elements it takes. You’re likable. I want to see you push, put your together, and I think you’re gonna kill.” (65:54)
• Pauly and Tony traded sweet/fat jokes. “Can I squeeze your tits?” (66:40)

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9. Blake Jones: Redneck Persona, Layoffs & the Bangbulance

(70:06 - 78:16)

• Southern self-deprecation, cloud engineering job loss, and collecting baseball/wrestling cards.
• Dreamed of running a “bangbulance” with a VA loan.
• Tony and the panel riffed on the beard, snacks at Buc-ee’s, and weird jobs.
• Roseanne praised the show’s momentum: (Following three strong sets in a row.)

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10. Eric McVeigh: Shock Comedy & Real-Life Surprises

(79:04 - 88:25)

• Opened with a dark premise about cancer patients, followed by ass-eating jokes.
• Tony and Roseanne noted strong premises, but lack of punchlines; panel encouraged finding the finish.
• Real-life: quit comedy once after a sleazy CT promoter, now back and driving for FedEx.
• Weirdest job: Lifeguard at a 50 Cent party for Jesse Jackson.

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11. Sir Winston Pickles: The Pale Clown with the Darkest Punchlines

(89:47 - 96:33)

• British, white-faced clown aesthetic. Jokes about Ed Gein, school zones, his neighbors thinking he’s a killer.
• Used past as a coal miner, sandblaster, and Premier League photographer for weirder material.
• Roseanne: “I think it’s really original…a clown with really dark jokes…you have good punchlines…get a little bit scarier.” (95:47)

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12. Timmy No Breaks: Surrealist Sensation

(98:26 - 110:18)

• Delivered an absurdist anti-comedy set: impression of a boring white guy, then scripted a Kill Tony soap opera where Tony “gets AIDS” and primes Redban to take over.
• Roseanne: “He’s genius, level. I’ve never seen anything like it...making fun of all show business.”

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13. Second Coming (Adam Dies): Puns, Bartending Woes & Saving Kids

(112:30 - 117:49)

• Routine based on puns about his name; revealed getting fired as a Chili’s bartender for serving underage, now back in Wisconsin.
• Offstage, has saved seven lives—two kids from falling through ice.
• Tony and panel had fun with his oddities and attempt at new beginnings.

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14. Pauly & Roseanne Reflect

(118:50 - 119:05)

• Pauly: “I don’t have the best jokes, but I have my heart. And that’s what got me where I’ve gotten.”
• Tony honored the icons and plugged Roseanne’s and Pauly’s projects.

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15. William Montgomery: Surreal Closer

(120:13 - End)

• Killed with a set about bumper stickers, video game obsession, Abercrombie, and not hearing the show backstage.
• Roseanne: “You are so funny and unpredictable, wild. I never seen nothing like you…you crack me up…only crazy people can go.”
• Affectionate panel banter, reminiscences, and the ultimate message of Kill Tony as a proving ground.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Roseanne (to Ashley): “Don’t quit your fucking day job, bitch.” (25:17)
• Pauly’s heartfelt honesty: “I don't have the best jokes, but I have my heart. And that's what's gotten me where I've gotten.” (119:05)
• On Timmy No Breaks:
  • “I mean, he’s the greatest thing in the world...he’s genius level.” – Roseanne (110:18)
• On improving in comedy:
  • “You should further plumb the deep wells of anger that I feel is inside you…” – Roseanne (11:44)
  • “You just got to be able to finish these big premises if you’re going to go into them.” – Tony (83:35)
• Memorable crowdwork:
  • “You ripped up her stuff, Paulie!” – Tony (26:35)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 02:00 — Iconic intro, special guests announced
• 06:27 — Roseanne credits Tony with her sobriety
• 15:27 — Ashley Steinmetz & cue card drama
• 28:06 — Brian Cook’s “pain and pop music” set
• 37:36 — Phoenix Provocateur on hormones, family, and drag
• 52:06 — Tristan Bowling, pro punchlines
• 61:06 — Austin Young and sleep apnea/kindness
• 70:06 — Blake Jones, tech layoffs & the “bangbulance”
• 79:04 — Eric McVeigh’s shock comedy and lifeguard story
• 89:47 — Sir Winston Pickles, bleak clown act
• 98:26 — Timmy No Breaks, impression and show-within-the-show
• 112:30 — Second Coming/Adam Dies, life-saving stories
• 118:50 — Panel reflections, Pauly’s heart
• 120:13 — William Montgomery, surreal and beloved closer

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Tone & Atmosphere

• High-energy, deeply irreverent, and frequently self-deprecating.
• Panel is tough but nurturing—especially Roseanne, who dispenses brutal comic wisdom.
• Pauly blends goofiness with occasional earnestness, culminating in a heartfelt close.
• Audience and comics alike invited to revel in unpredictability; anything, truly, can happen.

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Final Thoughts

Episode #741 is a snapshot of Kill Tony at its best: legends and newcomers, searing feedback, stand-up failures and triumphs, and a loving roasting atmosphere. Pauly Shore and Roseanne Barr deliver wild riffs and sage advice, Tony anchors the chaos with sharp wit, and a parade of comedians get their shot—sometimes ending with tough love, sometimes with triumph and opportunity. Whether you missed it or just want the best moments: this recap has you covered.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death squad podcast network.

[B]

This episode of Kill Tony and every

[A]

episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple Spotify and

[B]

anywhere you get podcasts.

[A]

Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The golden pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death squad merch hats, mugs, whatever, Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redmond coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get over, Tony. It's gl. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee. These are sir Brian Red band, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my God. And how about one more time for the best Stan band in all the land. That's the kil Tony band. Raul Vallejo. Fernando Castillo. Carlos Sosa. Michael Gonzalez. Nachos Belgrande. And this is the great Matt Muhling, John Dees. And that is D madness live in the flesh, ladies and gentlemen, we are here. This episode is brought to you by Bluechew and ziprecruiter. And what a humdinger slobber knocker of an episode we have for you. Before we get to it, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Well, well, well, here we are. And you know, I find myself bragging a lot more than usual about my booking abilities as of late and this week. Holy fucking shit, man. I mean, wow. I am so good at booking this fucking show. Ladies and gentlemen, not only is it two of the best comedians of all time, not only is it two of the best guests in the show's history, but combined between the two of them, many movies, many number one television shows in the world, and about 90 years of combined stand up comedy experience. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you two residents of Austin, Texas. This is Roseanne Barr and Pauly Shore. Oh my God. Get on your fucking feet. Except for you, pregnant lady, you can stay down. Roseanne Barr and Pauly Shore. God bless America. This is Kill Tony. Watch that little fanny back there. The great and powerful, the queen of comedy, Roseanne Barr, the son of Mitzi. Pauly Shore is here, ladies and gentlemen. Two of the biggest Comedy Store icons, two of the biggest comedians, number one movies, number one show on ABC's history, the Roseanne fucking show. And she's here now. She has the Roseanne Barr podcast And Pauly Shore has random rants, his podcast. You've both been on this show before. Welcome. How you doing, Paulie?

[B]

Thank you, thank you. I'm fucking just happy I survived this weekend here at the Mothership. We had some crazy ass shows. I can't believe they have this particular club on this particular street in front of this. So many fucking bars, dude. How the fuck I get here every night is fucking beyond me, dude. They could have put this on Congress where we could have been liberal little fucking queers out there and made it to the place on fucking time, dude. They made me ride the bull downstairs and they don't let me go through the back like fucking Shane Gillis, dude. They had me go for the fucking front, dude. And I got people pissing on me in there, so. And that pizza next door is fucking disgusting. But the good thing is, is Red Band actually, besides being the producer, though. Give it up for Red Band.

[A]

Okay. All right.

[B]

Besides being here, the producer does pedicab on the side. So I've been in fucking his pedicab because it's another job that you can drink and actually drive. So give it up for Red Band and Tony, okay? My boy, the.

[A]

I think it's pronounced petty carbs, by the way. He bicycles while eating. It's an E bike too. It's not a regular bike.

[B]

Definitely an E bike. Thanks. I was really excited to have Roseanne Barr on the show because Are you the host tonight?

[A]

This was supposed to be like a quick hello and then we get to the thing. You have all these local jokes. You think the guy in Sweden cares about the pizza place next door? What the fuck are you doing right now? I'm glad that we're knocking it out early in the show so that I can set a precedent.

[B]

I took acid, which you're not supposed to do in 57, and I took a fucking Waymo, bro.

[A]

All right, well. What? Well, now it's time to take a chill pill because I get to say hello to the Queen herself. Roseanne Barr is here, ladies and gentlemen.

[C]

Thank you so much. And Tony, I am so glad to be back with you. And I just want to thank Tony because last time I was on, I guess I was too drugged and drunk and everything. And I got in a lot of trouble with Tony because I was yelling and stuff and interrupting people. And because of Tony, that was kind of a. What do you call it? Where you, like, confront people and I.

[A]

Intervention.

[C]

Intervention. And I just want to say that I became sober because of Tony.

[A]

Is that true?

[C]

It is Totally true. I have. I got sober because of you. Thank you, Tony.

[A]

Well, we're gonna do the same thing for Pauly Shore tonight.

[C]

I have.

[B]

I'm never gonna be fucking sober like Charlie Sheen, that fucking pussy.

[C]

Thanks. Sir, I just wanna say I have two days tomorrow and thank you so much.

[A]

You're welcome. And welcome back to one of the all time greats, Roseanne Bar.

[C]

I can't wait to see these new guys.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

So excited. We're gonna see people that are like, you know, up and coming and it's exciting.

[B]

So you. Tony, just real quick. You know, she used to babysit me when I was a child.

[A]

Yes.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Roseanne Bar.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

She breastfed me, dude. And, yo. And Whoopi Goldberg breastfed me. Chocolate milk, dude.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. He was raised at the Comedy Store.

[F]

Go.

[B]

You can't say that, right? You can't say that shit.

[A]

You can say it, Paul. You're okay, pal. All right. We're gonna have a lot of fun tonight. You've both been guests before. You know how it works. Over 300 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity. Maybe they've been signing up every Monday for six months. Maybe it's their first time. Maybe it's been years. They've been trying to get on. Maybe they've gotten on before and bombed. Maybe they've gotten on before and done good. Absolutely. Anything can happen. I'm gonna let this recently released convict pick the first name, reach on in there, pull a. And then we'll send it. And they're gonna get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you have the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then. Or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them. I conduct an interview. We give them feedback. We talk to them. Sometimes it's amazing. And some people become a star. Some people find out that they're never gonna make it. Truly, anything can happen. The whole thing is improvised. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Well, have some very special treats. And we're gonna start with one of them. He's a golden ticket winner who's great at opening the show. Lots of energies. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. For returning golden ticket winner, Jack Shaw. Everyone, your first minute, uninterrupted of the night. Jack Shaw. Hey, everybody.

[G]

I've been told to be more confident on stage, so. Hello, motherfuckers.

[H]

Pretty good.

[A]

Okay.

[G]

I need to be more confident. Cause I just moved in with my girlfriend pretty recently. And when we Moved in together. She said, jack, I'm gonna need you to be a man now.

[C]

Uh.

[A]

Oh. Oh, fuck.

[G]

This is a problem, guys. Cause my girl, she's from Texas. I'm from Los Angeles. We have different ideas of what a man is. Okay, you guys know Texas is where men are men, and Los Angeles is where men are gay. And that's. I'm just. I was just raised by a bunch of homosexuals, and now I'm just a gay guy trying to make that pussy bust. And I. I'm just a gay man trying to make that pussy fart. And I don't know. I'm not sure how to do it, dude. And

[A]

I looked it up on Google, man.

[G]

It said, you gotta be more confident to make that pussy fart. But I'm not conf. I'm Jewish, man. We're an indecisive people. Even our name is Jewish.

[H]

Wow.

[A]

I love that. Boom. Great joke, Jack Shaw. An amazing new minute. Absolutely love it, Jack. It is true, if you can't tell by the everything about him, he is Jewish. In fact, he was just recently released from Gaza. Today. He was one of the hostages Fresh. He's excited to have his freedom back.

[B]

Too soon. Too soon.

[G]

That I'm home or that he said that.

[F]

All right.

[B]

You look like Pee Wee Herman's retarded son, bro.

[A]

Welcome, Jack Shaw. Or as I call him, Kermit the Jew. Welcome. How's life going, Jack?

[G]

Okay. Howdy Doody.

[A]

Whoa. You roasted me. Hey. Anyway, how's life going, you fucking idiot? Answer the questions. You're in the interview part there, King roaster.

[G]

Sorry. I'm trying to be a part of the roast show. I'm not a roaster, and I'm trying to do it.

[A]

You're right. You're not a roaster. So don't try it now in front of a live audience. Practice for many years, and then you could do that. How's this week going for you, Jack?

[G]

It's been great, dude.

[I]

I actually.

[G]

I sold out my first. My first headlining show.

[A]

I, I.

[G]

My first time selling out a show

[A]

that was

[B]

the Laugh Factory in Reno. Doesn't count, bro.

[A]

Go ahead, Roseanne.

[C]

I think that I feel, watching you, that you should. I think that you can be successful, and I think you should. I really do. I think that you're likable, and I think you should further plumb the deep wells of anger that I feel is inside of you.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

And I think if you bring them out more like, you know, the Jewish parts, like hatred of your mother, I Think that that simmering just under the surface and I think you should plumb that.

[G]

Oh, she's a bitch, Roseanne. Oh, she's a real bitch.

[A]

Roseanne is very good at this show in the way that she does see things in brand new young, younger, newer comedians that, that, that is almost crystal ball esque.

[C]

And I see seething anger. I really, really do. At all women really with the inability to pop the pussy and all that shit. I think that suggests that.

[A]

I completely agree with Roseanne. Her insight is incredible. I think there is a little, a little angry boy boiling under this fucking. This little clown Jew face ears. What else about women, Jack? What? How do you, how do they really make you feel like a little baby? They make you feel like a baby.

[H]

Like a little, like a little bit of baby.

[G]

I like, I like women.

[A]

You close with your mom?

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[G]

She is a bitch, though. I was, I was serious about that.

[A]

Tell us more. When you say she's a bitch, can you give us an example, a recent example of your mom being a bitch? Yeah, she's going to love this.

[G]

Yeah, she's going to love. She keeps asking me to talk about her on the show and here it is.

[A]

Mom.

[G]

Yeah, you fucking bitch.

[A]

Let's see.

[B]

But she made you funnier.

[C]

Yeah.

[G]

What'd you say?

[B]

Because she's a bitch. She made you funnier.

[G]

Right?

[B]

Right.

[G]

She's a. So she's an acting coach. That's what she, that's what she does for, for work. And she, that's, that's actually a way. She's a big bitch. She's pretty mean. She's pretty mean about how I look.

[A]

More specifically about her disappointment in the way that you look.

[G]

Specific. Specifically. She tells me to eat less and I don't think, I don't think. I mean, I'm pretty regular guy but she, she had anorexia for most of her life and she thinks that's a good thing. Oh, yeah. So shout out, mom.

[A]

Wow. Well, you just gave her a little something chew on there.

[C]

Does she ever. Did she ever give you any advice on how to pop that pussy?

[G]

I've never asked my mom how pop that pussy.

[C]

Maybe you should.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. It seems like you have a lot of semen in your balls right now.

[A]

Our senior semen correspondent Pauly Shore is here. Yeah, he's got a nose for it.

[B]

Don't ejaculate on me, bro.

[A]

Okay, I won't.

[G]

I won't.

[B]

You look like you're about to.

[G]

I promise, dude.

[A]

I promise. Jack. Always fun. Always fun. To watch. This is one of my favorite minutes you've ever done. I'm so glad we started the show with you tonight. Unbelievable. That's how it's. Thank you, Jack Shaw.

[G]

Okay.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Thank you, guys. And now, ladies and gentlemen, the pulsing heartbeat of the show, the Bucket, where we meet someone perhaps for the first time, perhaps for their last time. Anything can happen. This is the opportunity that they have been waiting for for hours, hoping that their name gets pulled. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Ashley Steinmetz, everyone. Ashley Steinmeltz or Metz, we're gonna find out. This is Ashley.

[I]

Oh, I got the mic now. It's gonna go great. There you go. Love is Blind is really fucking up the men of this generation. I said hi to a guy on Hinge and he sent me back a 60 second voice memoir, crying, saying I'm everything he's ever dreamed of. Just like the show that's been happening a lot more lately. Now they love bomb before the first date. It's getting really fucking weird, Right? Are there any true crime people in the audience? Anyone? Yeah, absolutely. We're so obsessed with true crime as a country. Anything that's true is now a fucking crime. Did you know that? Have y' all heard about that? It's true. Yeah. I'm also great at parties. Yeah. I tell things like this. They always say. They always say not to stay home and just watch tv. But every bad date feels like an episode of I Survived. I'll end on this. We're all going to die, but Israel will be fine, so don't worry about it.

[A]

All right? Wow, quite the closing line you got there. What do you mean by that exactly? I have so many questions, but we'll start with the most recent question that popped into my head. What do you mean by Israel will be fine?

[I]

Well, I'm obsessed with politics, so I do social media for a living, so I see fucking everything. So most people don't have the time to see everything like I do. So I'm really fun at parties. I'm great at parties. I'm great on dates. I've been going on a lot of them. If I don't like the guy, I just start talking about politics.

[A]

Okay.

[I]

You know, I know how to end things.

[B]

So you don't like any of us then, right?

[I]

No, I adore you and I love the fuck out of you.

[B]

We love you too. We love your hair. It's beautiful. It's very Halloweeny. Oh, yeah, it's gorgeous.

[I]

Yeah, I Kill in October. I've been called Elvira for years.

[B]

So what was up with the. The cue cards? What's up with that?

[A]

So go ahead, Paulie.

[I]

I'm a.

[A]

Like.

[I]

I mean, it makes sense. So. Yeah, for sure.

[A]

Go ahead, Ashley. Answer Paulie's question first.

[I]

Yeah, great person. So I'm a personality in rock and metal, so I've been interviewing bands for

[A]

Nobody Gives a Fuck Anyway, so, Ashley. No, let's do this. Ashley, how long have you attempted stand up comedy?

[I]

For six months.

[A]

And where have you been doing this at?

[I]

I've been making the rounds up and down the street.

[A]

This street?

[I]

Yes.

[A]

Okay. When you say making the rounds, are you talking about your body type? Ah, come on. What do you think Jack Shaw's mom would say about her? Am I right? Hello, sweetie. I have some advice for you.

[G]

All right.

[A]

Just kidding. Ashley's laughing. Everybody's having a good time here. For those of you watching this clip on whatever, she's smiling, she's thriving. So you say that you spend a lot of time on social media. That's what you do for a living?

[I]

Yes.

[A]

And how exactly do you make money doing that?

[I]

So I've had a social media company for a decade, so I run it for about six. So I just happened to see every court meeting, hearing, every, you know, congressionally hearing everything, so.

[A]

And you have enough time to do that while watching Love is Blind true crime shows and the Show I Survived, which made up your entire minute of material. Three television shows and you're on social media. Are you doing both at the same

[I]

time and watching Outlander and Poldark.

[A]

Wow, you're professionally lazy. Incredible. Ashley, this is amazing. What do you. What else about you? You, what do you do for fun?

[I]

My favorite thing in the world is Friends. So that's my.

[A]

The show. All right. Okay. And you have.

[I]

It's Just a Cannibal Corpse. That's fun.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

All right.

[A]

Do you have. Do you have friends for a long time or do you find you yourself rotating friends a lot in and out like you do with your dating life? Just a genuine question.

[I]

I did just walk away from my best friend of 13 years.

[A]

Tell us about that. I know for you to walk must take a lot of effort.

[I]

It really did. How do I make it yet surprisingly upbeat. A very jealous shark of a horrible person tried to take me out in our friend group. And it worked on my best friend. And it like, I have so many fucking times gone there for her. And I do not let people, people have said her name in vain and I don't let people do that.

[B]

Yeah, that's not cool, right? I know it's not cool. Can I ask you what's up with your cue cards? I just want to figure out what's.

[A]

It is true.

[D]

Get them@Walgreens CVS.

[B]

What do you think?

[A]

Can. I. Can. Do you mind if I read one of the jokes that you didn't do off the cue card? I tend to be a lot funnier with. No. Give me the whole. Paulie. No, no, no. That's not how it works. Paulie. Again, I. I don't know if you're. If you're planning on doing this for the next two hours. You could shove that wig in your mouth, buddy.

[B]

All right, well, I don't know if he should do that. Tony. That's not cool. My name is.

[A]

Nobody knows who you're doing an impression of, Paulie. I literally told you not to do that two days ago when you pitched the idea to me then. Are you out of your mind right now? Paulie, take a sip of delicious water for a second. Okay, let's see if we can make this funny. Definitely not that one. Okay. Any crime people in the audience?

[C]

All right, I'm a crime people.

[A]

Okay. Unstable women. I'm talking about me, of course. See how that got a laugh? But it's funny. It wouldn't have if you said it. My friends come to me for advice. It's my favorite part of girlhood. Like, I solved Becky's problem with her boyfriend. Where do I go to sign up for the Supreme Court? Oh, yeah, that one's rough. What did you mean by that exactly?

[I]

Could I try it?

[A]

Yes.

[I]

The way I do it.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah, go ahead.

[C]

All right.

[A]

Do you need to read it straight off? You've been doing this shit for six months and you're like. And you're just teleprompting, basically. Go ahead. Let's see if you got this.

[I]

Stable women. Me. Other unstable women. My friends. It's my favorite part of girlhood. I love it. Right? Super fun. I like it. Well, I. We support each other in that way. I just solved my girlfriend Becky's problems with her boyfriends last night. This country in these politics, where do I sign up for the Supreme Court?

[A]

It's almost incredible, the amount of silence in the room. I could literally. I believe I can hear the guy in the last row breathing right now. It is unbelievable. Allergies are really affecting people, but I'm pretty sure that's just a normal breath. Normal unpoly chore.

[B]

Yeah, I Find her completely fascinating. And I actually, if you want to open for me in Dallas at Hyenas, you can do because I think this is great material to be quite honest. So we can talk after the show in the back by the taco truck, by the pizza place.

[I]

I love that.

[A]

Roseanne Barr, you were once a, a very thick young female stand up comedian.

[C]

I definitely was.

[A]

What type of advice do you have for Ashley Steinmetz or Meltz? Steinmetz with a T. You have to cross your T shirt.

[C]

The question I'd like to ask is. Well, there are several. One, who told you you were funny? I mean seriously. And who told you you were funny? Really?

[A]

That's a good follow up question.

[I]

A lot of white nerdy men in comedy and when I walk in the room, oh, they're, they just die. But I, I have absolutely killed it in rooms. So sometimes we bomb, sometimes we fucking kill it. And I have fucking killed it before.

[C]

Okay, but like it doesn't seem like, it doesn't seem like you have a lot of respect for comedy. If you come up there reading notes, you didn't even fucking memorize your fucking shitty ass.

[A]

Yeah, it's true. That is true.

[I]

Yeah.

[C]

You can't go up there with, you know, your shitty jokes wrote on recipe cards and read them off. I mean that's rule number one. You should know that. You should at least memorize your shit, you know, and get some delivery.

[I]

Yeah.

[C]

You ever heard of that? Delivery. And also a joke is a premise and then a payoff. You don't even have any punchlines.

[I]

I gotcha.

[C]

I mean really, you. I'm glad you're an influencer on whatever the fuck it is you do. And my advice is, don't quit your fucking day job, bitch.

[I]

I love it.

[C]

And I mean that in the best possible, most positive way I can.

[A]

Can I direct? Absolute.

[C]

And you follow that advice and when I see you again, you know I'll have better things to say to you. But don't disrespect us with that shit just cause you have a vagina. Okay.

[A]

And wow. Roseanne Barr, ladies and gentlemen. Dropping knowledge.

[C]

Yeah, I mean I'm 72. I don't have time to fuck around.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

And let me tell you, you know, you were the first bucket pull of the night. This might seem like some tough medicine to take, but you are lucky enough to get to hear it from the true queen. And if you apply what she just told you to the rest of your life, sign up again, do better. No cards and people will remember you forever. You could be a fucking legend. Who knows?

[B]

And she can't. She can't open for me anymore at fucking hype. Now that I think about it, you're right. I was fucked up before. Now it's starting to come. Well, I have a lot of different personalities. I mean, she breastfed me when I was a child. I'm fucked up, dude. I go wishy washy. I'm bisexual. Give me a break.

[A]

Ashley, your jokes have been returned to you with a little joke book attached. Congratulations. You were the first bucket pull of the night. Take the sage advice. Oh, my God. Wow. Jesus Christ. Paulie is out of control tonight. I mean, he's literally insane. Paulie, we're trying to avoid lawsuits tonight. Please, just. If you could just try to. Try to maybe just.15%. Chill, Polly. There goes Ashley, everybody. There she goes. I mean, you just. You ripped up her stuff, Paulie. Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, the great Heidi and Valerie Vaughn. This is normally only reserved for arenas, having both of them at the same time. Oh, my goodness. What did we miss? A tit pop out or something. What was that second pop for? Yes. Yes. I. How could I guess that a tit popped out?

[B]

Let's give it up to the Kill Tony band. Killing it.

[A]

Okay, we're gonna do that right now. Again. Paulie, I'm about to beat the living out of you. I swear to God, I'm about to beat. You're going to be the first person I guess I ever beat up during the show. All right, back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna meet another comedian. All together. Make some noise for Brian Cook, everyone. Here we go. Brian Cook. 60 seconds uninterrupted.

[H]

Thank you very much, but I have some bad news. Kill Tony. I have a friend, a singer, songwriter friend here in Austin who he got some bad news from back home. He had a friend who overdosed and he passed away. And he's very sad about it and he's down in the dumps, but he's never sounded better. Guitar sounds great, vocals sound great. He was playing for quarters on 6th street the other day, you know, on the sidewalk. Made $80 in one afternoon. He had a high roller give him a hundred dollar bill. So we're getting results like this. Let's kill all his friends. Let's kill everyone he's ever met and take him to the top of the charts. You see, Dave Grohls don't grow on trees. It takes a lot of pain and suffering to create America's next pop Sensation. So let's contribute to it by killing everyone he's ever met. And he'll be opening for Pearl Jam in no time. It's in our best interest as a nation. Okay. It's in these trying times that I had once considered converting to Islam. But instead, I'm converting to K2. You know what? The homeless people smoke out here. Don't they look so happy when they're passed out on the sidewalk? I want in on that. So that's what I'm gonna be doing after this set. Thank you very much.

[A]

Okay, here we go again. No note cards. That's a good sign. You had that memorized. It was that, but you had it memorized. You son of a. And for that alone, we are grateful.

[B]

Can I.

[A]

Yes. Polly Shore.

[B]

I just want to tell you, this show has changed since last time I was on it.

[A]

Yeah, it's true.

[B]

The are the comedians, bro.

[A]

What the.

[B]

I know. This is a political rally here.

[A]

I know, I know. The only ones here tonight are me and Rosanna. It seems to be there's a wannabe host control freak and a sound effects specialist. Sweet Brian. Okay, let's talk about it, because you've been funny on this show before. I remember you. Yes, that was kind of a rock rough set. Yeah, I don't think anybody knows, really. How many of you know what K2 is by a round of applause? Oh, a lot of dirty drug addicts in the room. I had never even heard of it before. Is that like fentanyl? What is that?

[H]

It's the synthetic weed that people used to be on probation. They get drug tested. That's how it started. How it ended is all these people under the red light losing their mind.

[A]

It's ketamine.

[H]

Right in the ballpark. I think it's like oregano with carpet cleaner on it.

[A]

It's an unknown substance, so people are smoking it.

[H]

It's like homeless people mostly. It's their favorite.

[A]

Okay. All right. Okay, Brian, remind us. What do you do for work?

[H]

I was a hospitality ambassador downtown. But, yeah, that didn't work.

[A]

Okay, what happened?

[H]

Well, besides the dire fear of getting stabbed with a screwdriver, it was. Specifically, what happened is I said the F word in the midst of a 911 call when I might have been distracted by someone else. So sorry for the rough language.

[A]

Tell us exactly what happened there as

[H]

quickly as you can, Brian, without airing out another location. On 6th street, some people overdosed and the cops were coming around asking everyone about it. And someone said they had information about the case. And then they started passing out and I'm just on the sidewalk wondering what I did to deserve this.

[A]

Wow. Are you on K2? Not right now. Not right now. Do you do it sometimes? What do you do when you want to let it rip and let loose? What exactly do you do these days?

[H]

It's just smoking a blunt before the show because I honestly blame you for a little bit, Tony, because I had a viral moment the last time I was on.

[A]

What was that? What happened?

[H]

I sang with the band.

[A]

And what did you sing? What happened?

[H]

I was the death metal thing. I was making a bunch of noises like a caveman. It was fun. And then all of a sudden everyone wanted to party with me and it got out of control for about six months. And we might have taken some time off to get our priorities straight earlier this year.

[A]

So because of the moment that you had on Kill Tony, people found you online, hit you up and said, hey, wanna do drugs and hang out?

[H]

See me here on 6th street doing the clubs locally. Like, I'm sure you have people that want autographs and want pictures. I have people who wanna party with me. And I did.

[A]

Wow. Well, I don't think you're gonna have to worry about that after tonight's show. There's a lot of people deleting their outbox and emails to you right now online.

[B]

Except for me, bro.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Let's rock and roll.

[A]

I love it. So Brian, what do you do for work now?

[H]

We're on the job hunt.

[A]

How long have you been unemployed exactly?

[H]

Three weeks.

[A]

Three weeks. How much money do you have saved? That's a question only asked in the Kill Tony universe. A lot of late night shows and people like that, they find it to be private and, you know, they wouldn't go for and ask somebody that. I love to find out. I consider this show raw and real. And I love the fact. Cause with you, I'm looking at you, brother. It could be fucking anything. Could be the answer right now. You could have inherited $3.5 million at some point. You could also have $45. And only Uber eats cash right now. It could be anywhere. Tell us the honest answer. How much money do you have to survive and live off of right now? What is the net worth of Brian Karl Cook?

[H]

$1,200.

[A]

Wow. Amazing. When you.

[H]

There's an asterisk on that because I have rental assistance from the va so it's affordable.

[A]

Okay, so that's great. So you have a little monthly check coming in?

[H]

Yes.

[A]

Amazing. And how much is that monthly check?

[H]

$900, $900, $870.

[A]

What's your rent?

[H]

The portion I pay $600, $600.

[A]

So you have about two months to land something. To land something. Where do you see yourself being a good fit? You were once a hospitality ambassad town. Yeah.

[H]

The delivery driver thing was working out for years. Being in the band by myself seemed to be a good place to be. So I'm open to that. But honestly, it's prospective employers out there. I have, like, appointments and shows here in life and other obligations. So I need that first half of the week off. If I could work the weekend, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, that'd be great.

[A]

Wow. Awfully picky for a guy that nobody wants to hire.

[B]

Paul, I think you can work at voodoo donuts, bro.

[H]

Oh, good call.

[B]

Because I've been there lately. The people that are working there, they're very sweet and they're very nice, but this guy's. You're a. You're a hospitality major, bro. So when you walk in, you're like, welcome to voodoo donuts. You know what I mean? Let me hear you say it.

[H]

Welcome to voodoo donuts.

[B]

Yeah. You want some donuts?

[A]

We're gonna check in. That's good, Paulie. We're gonna check in with roseanne barnes.

[C]

Know, I just wonder if, like, people started killing all your friends if you'd get funnier.

[A]

I love this. We got the real roseanne. We got sober, awesome. Alive Roseanne tonight. Sometimes I'm going to be honest with you guys. Sometimes the last few appearances may be a little bit too much pregaming up in the green room.

[C]

Yeah, I got to stay away from the weed you got up there.

[A]

That is true.

[C]

You do. It does make me out of my mind. And I act like polly.

[A]

You missed it. Redman and I just gave her a standing ovation. And we. I don't think we've ever done that. In 12 and a half years of doing this show, almost 800 episodes, I don't think we've ever just given a guest guest a standing ocean. Why?

[B]

Why? Why you?

[A]

Because.

[B]

Because why the did you give me a standing ovation?

[A]

I missed it.

[B]

I didn't see it.

[A]

Brian, we hope that you find a way to make money. We're going to find out. We're going to get an update next time you're on. How often do you sign up for the show, Brian?

[H]

It's been about every other week. Two, three times.

[A]

Well, you'll get pulled again, and I expect a full update. $1,200. He's got full a about $400 coming in every month and $600 rent. Follow it closely. That's Brian. Yeah. One more piece of advice from the great roseanne bar.

[C]

I think you should act like you are drugged up because then that goes with your material because you're being real straight doing this funky material. But I think you could pull it off if you'd act like you were really effed up. You know what I mean? It goes with your material.

[H]

I accept your advice.

[A]

I absolutely again agree with the great roseanne bar. Ladies and gentlemen, invite you to the lucky duck.

[H]

I get two extra minutes in perpetuity if.

[A]

All right. There he goes. Brian cook, everybody. Wow. We're having fun here tonight. Some wacky bucket pools and icons and legends giving feedback. This is about as much fun as it gets for me. Okay, we know this next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. She has been on this show a few times before, and it they them is a comedian here in Texas, Makes some noise for phoenix provocateur, ladies and gentlemen.

[C]

Shit.

[D]

I just got back from Dallas, popping my pussy everywhere I can. My dad would be so proud. And yes, I know my dad. He literally calls me every other birthday. I actually just turned 29 a few weeks ago, believe it or not. Yeah, yeah. Make some noise. Make some noise. Yes. I couldn't decide whether I wanted to have a pool party or just drink my pool. It was just a lot, but. But I think I'll be okay. My beauty feels like it's still on an incline. Or at least the hormones are still doing their job, if you know what I mean.

[A]

And.

[D]

And. And sucking dick is great for your jawline. If you didn't know that, you didn't know. If you didn't know. I actually just broke a nail giving a hand job in the fucking back.

[A]

Oh, hi.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

All right. I must have missed the cough. Paulie thought he was dying for a second there. Paulie, you okay? Did I. Was that a boner I just saw when you stood up a second ago

[B]

when she coughed, I came in my pants.

[A]

I love it. One more time for phoenix, everybody. Phoenix, welcome back to the show.

[D]

Thank you.

[A]

You know, a lot of Texans might be confused when they see you. Meanwhile, you know yourself better than the last two bucket pools. It appears you were the only person to get any audible volume of laughter from the audience through your set. Congratulations and welcome back. How's life been going for you, Phoenix?

[D]

Pretty good. Pretty good. Been trying to stay booked and busy.

[A]

Perfect. Remind us, the viewers in our esteemed panel how long you've been doing stand up?

[D]

It's been almost three years now.

[A]

Three years. And all of it. You are a trans woman and always were. Yes. Right.

[D]

Well, I transitioned medically about three years ago as well. Maybe a little bit before I did comedy. But I've been socially transitioning since I was probably like 14.

[A]

Right. And medical means hormones.

[F]

Right.

[A]

And how are those affecting you? Is it still the same? Anything new? I always find it so interesting. Are you like feeling more like a woman every day or are you starting to get to like school shooter mode?

[B]

No.

[A]

You know these levels, they have to be checked. If you just keep taking stuff. Turns out that's not always good for everybody's brain. But you seem to have a good handle on yourself. You seem very present. You always have. You don't own any guns, right? A rifle?

[D]

No.

[A]

Perfect. Great. Tell us about it.

[D]

The hormones make me feel soft, for one, and they keep me sane. Really? Because I don't know what I mean. I would look like this no matter what the case was. Whether it was about being a woman or whatever. I'd just be that. That bitch walking down the street being my own person. So they've kind of just helped me with the things, I guess fill up my aesthetic. That's the main thing. Titties, nice skin. Yeah.

[A]

Yep.

[D]

That's about it.

[A]

Amazing. And remind us, what do you do for work again?

[D]

I feel like you asked me this question a lot, but my main thing for work is the stage. I only work on stage.

[A]

What do you do on stage?

[D]

Drag, stand up dancing, choreography, makeup.

[A]

I love it.

[D]

Anything.

[A]

You have a steady boyfriend?

[D]

I do.

[A]

How long you been with this guy?

[D]

It'll be six years at the end of the year.

[A]

Wow, look at that. A steady relationship. Incredible. These people that have their own vaginas and penises and stuff can't even figure it out. Meanwhile, a complex character like you, a six year relationship having fun. Being an artist, you make enough money to live comfortably. Are you pulling a little Brian Cook out there? Surviving off of what appears to be $400 a month? He's the last comedian.

[D]

Hey, I make decent enough money to be comfortable, but I'm not super expensive.

[A]

Right.

[D]

Like, this is a $7 dress with about $200 worth of stones on it that I did myself. So yeah.

[A]

Okay. What does the boyfriend do for work?

[D]

He's a crane operator.

[A]

Oh, wow. Okay. Yes. It's coming back to me now. I remember the jokes that I made last time. There's a lot of good crane operating jokes. When the girlfriend in the relationship probably, I'm guessing, has a huge. Am I right?

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Yes, of course.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

Tonka, you are. You are tall. How tall are you? Without heels or whatever?

[D]

Five' ten.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[D]

Yeah,

[A]

just to get the visuals. He wants to bend over in front of you. Wow, look at that. Look at that.

[B]

Did you know I was a crane operator? For real? We want to come out. Why don't you just tell them that I'm the person that you've been dating for six years? Please. Thank you.

[A]

Phoenix.

[D]

I haven't been paid to say it.

[A]

I love it. Phoenix, how has stand up been going for you? If you find yourself getting better, having more fun, take us through your three year process here.

[D]

Well, I've been hosting an open mic in Dallas with a new club that just kind of started. So kind of building a show there has given me the chance to be able just to speak a little bit more, even though I'm like, shaky as fuck right now.

[A]

Sorry.

[D]

But, yeah, it's been fun. Also hosting drag shows to where I'm used to, like, cussing out faggots and gay boys and all that other fun.

[A]

There you go. I'm pretty sure you can say that word and it doesn't have to be bleeped. By the way.

[D]

Which word do you want me to say?

[A]

Famous homophobe D Madness Suddenly has to pee. Everybody. Notorious resident homophobe of the show. D Madness needing an immediate P. I seen enough of this shit, man. I gotta take a piss. If I ever had to in my life. I haven't had a cup of water in three days, but I got a piss all of a sudden. God damn it.

[D]

Well, that's fucked up. Cause who's gonna tell him he has rainbow glasses on?

[A]

That's a good point. That's a good point. Look at this little rivalry. D Madness versus She Madness. This is incredible. Roseanne Barr. I mean, this is an interesting predicament for you. A powerful woman that swings and punches like a man and has a huge cock.

[C]

Yes, I do. It is. It's way bigger than yours.

[A]

That's true. That's true. I agree.

[C]

I know.

[B]

I don't know about that. I've seen them both. Anyways.

[C]

Well, I think you've got a great look.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

And you have some presents on stage and some confidence. The only thing you ain't got is any jokes. And you should have. I mean, you should have a wealth of jokes and some snapbacks, you know, you should.

[D]

For sure.

[C]

For sure. You should. And I Don't know why you don't. And I'm mad at you because you don't. Because you know you've been on both sides of the street and you should have something to say about it. Yeah, why don't you.

[A]

Roseann is dialed.

[C]

Why don't you. You know, why don't you. You should tell us more about your dad. You tell us why he don't call you. You should be pissed off about it and have some shit to say, girl.

[A]

Roseanne is batting 1001% tonight.

[D]

Right? Well, I think part of the reason my dad doesn't call me. Cause he watched this show. He watches the show religiously. So he's be like, I don't want any relation with that thing.

[A]

Hold on a second. Was your dad a fan of the show before you started coming on it?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Did you know he was a fan before you started signing up?

[D]

I didn't. He called me like, a week before. Like, my episode came out the first time, and I was like, oh, well, by the way, I'm gonna be on that show next week. And then my episode dropped.

[A]

Did he not know about your life and everything?

[D]

No, that's the whole. Every other birthday thing.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

I mean, he's probably gonna call me now. He watches it. Fuck.

[A]

Wow. But, yeah, well, what.

[C]

What do you. What would. What do you want to say to him?

[A]

Yeah, exactly.

[C]

Say something to him.

[A]

This is yours.

[D]

Where's my camera?

[B]

Play some music, please.

[A]

Go to camera. Lipstick on your. Where's the red? Well, I guess it's blue tonight. That little blue light over there. You see that?

[D]

Yes, dad, I'm sorry. Every time you see me, I just get gayer and gayer.

[A]

Every time.

[D]

Thank you. But if you called more often,

[J]

you

[D]

wouldn't be surprised to know that I'm growing titties and I keep my dick tucked between my fucking shoulder blades.

[A]

Okay, Again. Roseanne Barr, with all three bucket pools, is more of a pharmacist than a comedian. Tonight, she is giving the exact, exact dose of advice that everybody needs, and she's bringing this out in people. Phoenix. That's a perfect response to your father who's watching out there. How does it make you feel? Before I let you go, because, you know, you people, I just want to ask you because I feel like America and maybe the world needs to hear it. How does it make you feel? All the recent little boy. This is just one of those moments where I know I'm inside of a viral clip. How does it make you feel? All the school shootings and crime and assassinations. Because it's kind of like, you know, the trans thing, it was like, getting big and popular and people were starting to get accepting, and then all of a sudden and just pop, pop, pop. And it's like kind of, you know, a bad look for you people. Which is crazy because you people had a bad look for many decades, and then all of a sudden we started coming around, and now it's like, you know, we. First we were worried about what's down there, and now we're kind of worried about what's up here, you know? How does this all make you feel? Like, I know that when I find out that an assassin isn't a fucking. You know, when you find out what they are, you know, I'm kind of like, oh, please don't be a this. Right? So I'd imagine for you, when you find out, like, fuck, it's one of us, kind of sucks, right?

[D]

I mean, but that's how I feel about white people in general.

[A]

When you say your people, do you mean boys, girls, blacks, tall people? What exactly do you mean?

[D]

Mean the niggers?

[A]

The be okay again again. I'm pretty sure she can say it. I wasn't done. Yeah, she's just talking about what's in her underwear right now, by the way. Boom.

[D]

And to answer your question, I love the free advertising, even if it does come from a fat cheet. I missed it there, the free advertising, because you asked about how everybody, how I feel, about the attention, about everything. It's free advertising for me because most people don't know a trans person. And then I walk around the corner and lucky for them, I'm the first one.

[B]

Can we just ask what your dead name is?

[A]

That's a good question, Paulie.

[D]

My dead name?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Philip.

[B]

For Philip, bro.

[A]

Philip. That makes sense. I could see that. Php. Hmm.

[C]

Yep.

[K]

Yep.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You have a picture of Philip, Philip and Phoenix.

[D]

No, I don't have it on me.

[A]

Pictures in the back. What do you think she has that fucking old headshot or something on her? So ph, Philip. PH is in Phoenix. And PH levels are one thing that you'll never have to worry about as a woman.

[D]

That's actually not my dead name.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[D]

My dead name is Byron.

[A]

Oh, okay. Wow.

[B]

Yeah, it hurt to say.

[C]

Just.

[D]

It doesn't resonate anymore.

[B]

It's dead.

[D]

Yeah, basically, yeah.

[B]

Now your. Your vagina, is it better, like, the way it is now or before?

[D]

It smells prettier.

[B]

Oh, it smells prettier.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm gonna let you Guys finish this on a date tonight. Paulie and Phoenix, he's gonna try to operate that cur. Phoenix, thanks for coming on again. Fun times. We'll see you again soon.

[B]

Give it up, Byron, ladies and gentlemen.

[A]

No, don't call her that. You that. Mic down.

[C]

Beautiful

[A]

Phoenix provocateur speaking directly to her father tonight. Look at the lovely Heidi. Her and Valerie's new podcast, Love on the Line, is out now. By the way, this episode's brought to you by Bluechew and ZipRecruiter. We have another golden ticket winner for you, ladies and gentlemen. This is very exciting. This young man was one of the first people to ever get awarded a golden ticket about six years ago, the day before his 21st birthday because he cashed in the next day at the Comedy Store legally at the age of 21 on his 21st birthday. So we remember him well from Phoenix, Arizona, and now a New York City comedian. This is a long awaited return for those of you that have been fans for many years of Tristan Bowling. Everybody make some noise for Tristan.

[E]

Hey, Kill Tony. How the we feeling, huh? A little about me. I'm a cat guy. I got two cats. Really? Cats, fine. Yeah, that, that's what I talk when

[L]

I say I love.

[E]

That's what I'm talking about. You know, people are like, I want to crush it. I'm like, really? I want to snuggle it. But I, I got, I got two cats at home. I love them to death. I got, I got a black cat and I got a Puerto Rican cat. I know she's Puerto Rican, all right. She rolls her Rs when she meows. I mean like, tiny, what are you doing? She looks at me like. Which I know just means stupid like, I know, but she's got long nails and she's prone to violence. So I posted me doing that joke on the Internet and one of the comments asked me, what makes your other cat black? He doesn't pay, right?

[A]

I'm kidding.

[E]

My name's Tristan.

[L]

Have a good night.

[A]

And that is the difference between a bucket pool and a true long time golden ticket winner. Getting his golden ticket over six years ago and never resting. Working almost nightly for years and years and years. Took the big leap to New York City. How long ago?

[E]

Three years ago.

[A]

Three years ago. And at the time it was a big deal. You were still right kind of living with your parents in Phoenix, going out on New York on your own was a huge thing. And look at you now, crushing the hardest snapping punchlines of the night.

[E]

Thank you thank you.

[A]

Exactly what Roseanne has been asking everyone to. To do. To fucking bring the heat.

[E]

Don't yell at me, Roseanne. Please don't yell at me. I watched your show a lot.

[C]

No, I was gonna say that's how we do it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Absolutely amazing, Tristan. So update us with your life. We haven't gotten to see you in a while. How's everything going?

[E]

Everything's going tight, dude. Me and actually, like, last month, Day Septim Madness.

[A]

Oh, look who's back for the straight man. This. Put his penis in a vagina or not? All right, I'll go back out. Is that dude gone? Tell us more, Tristan.

[B]

Not love.

[L]

No.

[E]

Last Monday, me and my chick celebrated four years of being together, which is pretty time.

[A]

D Madness just breathed a sigh of relief verbally, by the way. D Mad.

[E]

She ain't gonna survive reelection, though, dude. I'm a dude. Next.

[A]

Whoa. I'm kidding. Oh, there he goes. Dusty has to pee again.

[E]

My bad.

[B]

No, I know.

[E]

I love. It's fun.

[B]

Hell, yeah.

[A]

So, Tristan, tell us more. How's comedy been going? What's. What's happening out in New York City?

[E]

It's been going good, dude.

[A]

I've.

[E]

I've just been hanging out. Just hanging out at. I hang out at the stand a lot. See a lot of weird people coming through there. Just a lot of people getting fucked up, dude. So I saw a chick piss in the hallway the other way, which is hard to do with the dick, but with a chick doing it, it's bonkers to see.

[A]

Exactly how exactly did she do that? Is that pants? A skirt against a wall? How does that happen?

[E]

It was. It was pants against, like, sitting. It was pretty impress. Impressive because she was doing, like a perfect squat.

[A]

No, not against the wall.

[E]

Against the wall. Like a perfect. Like how you do it in, like, middle school. And like that.

[A]

Wow. 90 degree angle.

[E]

90 degree angle.

[A]

That's hard to hold for.

[E]

I know. Her ass was fantastic.

[A]

But.

[E]

But it was just crazy because, like, she, like, people would be like, excuse me, miss your pissing. And she's like, can you give me a second?

[A]

Wow. She thought they were walking in on her.

[E]

Yeah. She's like, the audacity.

[B]

Stop me.

[A]

Yeah, people get up. That's a real thing.

[E]

Yeah, but it's been fun visiting here in Austin. Everyone's been trying to get me to move here, which is. I know. I'm like. I've been talking to my friends. They're like, this is my house. It's beautiful. I'm like, how much do you pay for it? They're like 35 cents.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

And I'm like, I live in a shoe box for so much money. Yeah, dude, it's crazy. 2,900 for, like, less than a thousand square feet.

[A]

Feet. Wow.

[E]

Yeah, it's fun. It's fun.

[A]

Why not move here then? There's no state taxes. It's in the middle of the country, so if you go on the road, it's perfect. What's holding you back?

[E]

Do you know what?

[A]

I know you have Parkinson's. I'm seeing your right hand clearly.

[E]

I watched my last interview last time, and I did the arm wiggle thing, and I need to stop it.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Stationary, strong, steadfast. I'm headstrong, ready to take you on.

[A]

Take on anyone. No.

[E]

Yeah, arm is. Dude, this arm is gonna wiggle one fucking inch now. No, I'm doing good, Tony. No, I definitely. I love the smell of underground piss. That's one thing keeping me in New York.

[A]

We got that here. There's a little three block area that people talk about.

[E]

Dude, that is a militia zone.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

That's fucking terrifying. Dude, I. No, the New York homeless, they, like, you know, you walk past someone, they'll be like, I like your smile.

[A]

God bless.

[E]

And you'd be like, thank you, sir.

[A]

But here, they'd be like, I want to eat your teeth. Yeah. And it's funny. I think it's like a. It's like a thing, I think, wherever you're on home field. Like, I. I like our eat your teeth people here. But when I'm in New York. York, that's where I got eat your teeth people. No, but they're not saying, eat your teeth. They're saying something else. And they seem aggressive. It's funny. You New Yorkers come here, they're like, oh, you're homeless. I'm like, what? I, like, know exactly what two comedy clubs they bounced back and forth from.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

By them acknowledging the homeless, which is here and two blocks that way.

[E]

Yeah, very.

[A]

Whereas in New York, they're over many miles of literally absolute insanity.

[E]

It's more spread out. So we get to know our homeless dude. We got a guy, shout out, stink foot. I love him. Yeah, yeah. He walks around, he's just smelly, and he'll go away. And you're like, did stink foot die? But then he cleaned up, and you're like, yeah, you got shoes.

[A]

Stink foot with the new shoes. Tristan with the new shoes. Dude, you have always been one of the more impressive features of the show. And again tonight, you prove that people working hard, having experience, utilizing their credit from the show and position, and you've taken that golden ticket. You took it to New York with you and you just keep getting better. It's amazing to watch your growth again. He won it the day before his 21st birthday and in Phoenix and then literally cashed in on the show then next day in LA on his 21st. So it's amazing to see you, who also started young at the comedy.

[B]

I just met you the other night upstairs for a half a second. Yeah. Work. I never seen you before, but it's nice to see how real this show is, how people are really. He's really doing it. This guy really started here. This isn't fake, man. You know, this is some real shit. You guys ever want to do it? He started. You probably weren't that good at the beginning. Right?

[A]

Right.

[E]

What?

[A]

That.

[E]

What?

[B]

You're pro.

[A]

Perfect.

[B]

I said you probably weren't that. Do you have to speak English? What the, bro? No, no, no. You probably weren't that good at the beginning and now you're great.

[E]

Nah, I ripped day one.

[A]

Yeah, but he was actually really good. He was. We weren't handing out golden tickets that much back then. It was a very rare treat. So, you know, you go back six years. I think he was like one of the first five ever people to win it. Anyway, great stuff, buddy. You're doing it. Back to New York with you. Go follow him. Go find him. One of the big stars of the future. 26 now.

[E]

27.

[A]

27. Wow. We met him when he was 20. There he goes. Tristan, bowling. You never know. Any one of these people could be the next. The next big thing. Everything's happening. Your next bucket pool that we're gonna meet or see again altogether goes by the name of Austin Young. Everybody make some noise for Austin Young. Oh, we know Austin.

[K]

What's going on, guys? So I've been living in Texas now for a while. I love living in Texas. My dad's a big fan that I live here and he really wants me to get a gun. And here's the thing. I've never owned a gun. And it's not for, like political or moral reasons. It's just I like to keep a gun in the house for the same reason I like to keep ice cream there. You know, I like to keep temptation away. All right? Because sometimes I get sad and I have no self control, so I don't need that in my life. But my dad's, like, really adamant about it. He's like Austin, you're a Texan now. You gotta get yourself a gun. Like, what are you gonna do for home defense? How are you gonna protect yourself? Somebody breaks in, I say, listen, dad, I am six' four foot four and over £300, and I sleep naked. All right, that is scarier than any man with a gun could ever be. All right, I got the body of Shrek in the face of a toddler. Can you imagine seeing this just running out of the darkness? It's terrifying, dude. Thank you.

[A]

Yes. Boom. Momentum has found this episode. Austin Young, absolutely crushing with exactly a minute. Unbelievable stuff. Funny about you. Honest to you. Real.

[K]

Yeah.

[A]

No one here would want to walk in on that in the middle of the night. That is scarier than a gun. Has anything like that ever happened? You ever have any home invaders or anything?

[M]

No.

[K]

No bumps in the night or nothing like that.

[A]

I love it. I love it. They probably hear your snoring and they're like, oh, there's a. There's 10 lions in there right now. We should probably go rob another apartment.

[K]

Yeah. I have really bad sleep apnea.

[A]

I bet you do.

[K]

It's horrible.

[A]

I can't even imagine. Tell us about that. Do you even fall all the way asleep all the way every night?

[K]

Yeah, it's really bad.

[A]

Tell us more. Like, is it just kind of you. You just kind of like.

[K]

It's a health risk for sure.

[A]

Have you talked to a doctor about this?

[K]

Yeah. I had to get it because I. I'm a truck driver, so they wouldn't prescribe me. They wouldn't give me my. My medical card until I got a CPAP machine. Like, I had to get a c. Sleep study. And they're like, you'd probably, like, stop breathing 15 times a night. And I'm just like, all right, you know, wow.

[A]

See, your CPAP machine, is that, like an extra strong one, or is it all normal? I don't understand how that works.

[H]

I don't know, but it's all red

[A]

Band's laughing at me like, oh, look, who doesn't know about CPAP machines over here, Our senior CPAP correspondent, Brian Redband. I just asked him. How was it? Dare you laugh at my CPAP question? If it was a 3XL one, like. Like 3XL different one.

[K]

No, that's just my shirt size. That's. No, it blows air like a. Son of a. For sure. That's.

[A]

Absolutely. So, Austin, remind us, what do you do for work? So you're a truck driver still?

[K]

I was a truck driver. I'm no longer a Truck driver. I actually work at Sunset Strip.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[D]

Wow.

[E]

Wow.

[A]

The comedy. What's it like working for Brian Redband?

[K]

He's just like, the coolest guy ever, you know?

[A]

Wow. Do you guys share CPAP machine? Sometimes. You guys take a little nap at work together? Just hook up and pass out?

[K]

Yeah, we swap nasal guards.

[A]

I love it. What do you do for fun? Austin for fun.

[K]

You know, go to Barton Springs. That's pretty fun. Yeah, it's my favorite spot.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Do you do cannonballs and freak everybody out?

[K]

Yeah, I do that. It's pretty fun. It's nice.

[A]

Amazing.

[K]

Yeah.

[A]

Amaz.

[K]

Dope spot.

[A]

These allergies affecting you at all? I've been hit by the allergies a lot last couple days.

[K]

No, I'm good.

[A]

I'm not a. Wow, look at that. Amazing. Amazing. I'm gonna have to remind myself of what a I am when I lay my head on my pillow and don't have to strap a unit to myself. You ticking time bomb. Jesus Christ. All right. Okay. You'll never believe who wants me to ask you this, but I'm. I just got a. I have one question. Do you have a girlfriend?

[K]

I do not.

[A]

Wow. Why not?

[K]

Why not?

[A]

Yeah.

[K]

I don't know.

[A]

You think you.

[K]

I try my hardest, Tony.

[A]

When you say you try your hardest, what does that mean exactly?

[K]

I mean, I'll ask a lady out and then it just kind of. I don't know. I just get really nervous and I bring up January 6th, and then that's about.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[K]

That's about it.

[N]

Yeah.

[A]

Say that.

[C]

You're so fucking funny.

[K]

Oh, thank you.

[C]

I swear you are.

[K]

Oh, thank you.

[C]

You are really, really funny. You got it all there. You got all the elements it takes. You're likable. You just got a funny outlook. I mean, you're just funny. I want to see you push, put your together, and I think you're gonna kill.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I really think you got it going on.

[A]

Yeah. You are a star. Paulie Shore, he's like.

[B]

He's kind. You kind of remind me like a baby. Baby Gabriel.

[A]

A Babrial Inglesia.

[B]

No. He's so likable. I love your smile. It's beautiful. Don't ever change your smile.

[K]

I never will.

[A]

Will.

[B]

Yeah. It's beautiful. Can I squeeze your tits?

[K]

Yeah, of course. Go for it.

[A]

You really are buster, my man, Buster. You really are a star. It's incredible. Yeah.

[K]

I'm hard as hell.

[A]

You're like John. Too much candy. You're like, soon to be gone. Belushi

[K]

you call me fat in the most creative ways.

[A]

Look, it's, it's. It's not easy. I get a lot of practice with the Great Red Band here. Yes.

[C]

Roseanne, did you ever try to go on a diet at all?

[A]

Great question.

[C]

I just want to hear what you're

[K]

gonna here and there. I used to be bigger. I was like 420. Blaze it.

[A]

He starts dieting.

[K]

That's how big I was.

[A]

Yeah, he starts dieting sometimes and then he gets nervous and brings up January 6th.

[C]

No, but I mean, do you want to lose weight?

[K]

Of course. Try it.

[C]

What stops you?

[K]

Eating disorder? I. I don't know. General sadness, I guess.

[A]

General sadness sounds like. Sounds like some type of military leader.

[B]

What's your favorite sandwich?

[K]

Corned beef hash.

[A]

Wow. Just take note. That answer came in. We're getting word. It came in.02 seconds, ladies and gentlemen. Unbelievable. That was the fastest answer in the history of the show. I'm getting word from Guinness right now that you've set about seven records here tonight. Most of them all fat things. Have you ever tried or thought about Ozempic?

[K]

Doesn't it eat your bones or something?

[A]

That's what you're worried about? Dude, the thing your bones are most in danger of getting eaten by you. Oh, Paulie liked that one. The host of the show, Paulie Shore, giving me some credit over here. I'm just on panel tonight.

[B]

You know what? Yeah, Paul, you know why he answered to that so quick?

[A]

Why?

[B]

Because chubby people love sandwiches. They do. They love sandwiches.

[E]

Right?

[A]

I love it. Paulie's having a real breakthrough here from two and a half minutes ago. Hey, you guys remember that thing with the Phoenix and Philip and all that? You know why? Because she had a bp. Red Band. Austin, I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday, man. And like that. Even though he works there, he's going from the door Checking IDs to on stage this Thursday. Austin, you already have a big joke book. Is it filled up?

[K]

Not yet.

[A]

Okay, well, they keep working. There he goes.

[K]

I'd love another one of his.

[A]

Oh, well, in that case, a guy that just has no fucking does no chill whatsoever. There you go. A true star. Austin Young ladies and gentlemen and gentlemen, this show is so fun. We have some momentum now. Anything can happen. Two strong comedian performances in a row. Back to the bucket. We go with Blake Jones, everybody. Blake Jones.

[L]

What's up, y'?

[K]

All?

[L]

How we doing? Yes. I look like ZZ Bottom. I look like the Duck Dynasty brother got kicked out for doing Gay. Just. I don't want to hunt duck no more, daddy. I want to hunt dick. No, I'm not gay, I swear. I'm getting old. My mom was making fun of me. She's like, Blake, you're 40. Please turn your hat around. And I was like, mom, I can't. Because when I do, I'm starting to look like Forrest Gump. You know, just. I start running. I gotta shave, dude. I gotta shave. Because the women that tend to like this beard also tend to like OxyContin. It's getting. It's a lot of them tweety birchers at the gas station. Just. Cookie monster, pajama pants, and crocs, you know? Like, you guys know Heather? Hell yeah.

[C]

Her.

[L]

Her daddy ain't been right since Dale Earnhardt died.

[A]

Like, it's getting.

[L]

I had a woman recently. I was walking down the street, she grabbed me by the beard and kissed me.

[A]

No.

[L]

So one of you said. One of you said, woo. No, she was bigger than me. That's assault, dude. That's. Guys, I've been. Blake Jones, thank you so much.

[A]

Boom. Another one. Blake Jones, welcome to the show. Blake, have you been on before?

[L]

Negative.

[A]

Amazing. Well, welcome, welcome. How long you been doing stand up?

[L]

About five, six years.

[N]

I took a break, but.

[A]

Yeah, where at?

[L]

I started in the Bay Area and then just moved to Houston.

[A]

Awesome. What made you pick Houston?

[L]

I got. I'm a cloud engineer. I got a job.

[N]

Job.

[L]

I got a job offer. Oil field.

[A]

So you have a real, real job?

[L]

Yeah, well, I got laid off, but, yeah.

[A]

What exact. Oh, you're already laid off?

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

How long ago did that happen?

[L]

Like, two weeks ago.

[A]

Two weeks ago. And what exactly is a cloud engineer? You said?

[L]

Well, it's not the weather. I'm not Jewish. It's. It's like a software engineer, but for the cloud.

[A]

Amazing. You don't look like you would do that.

[L]

No, dude, I stag bodies. I don't know.

[A]

So what made them lay you off two weeks ago?

[L]

There's cuts. We bought Marathon Oil. And then. So they're doing cuts? Yeah.

[A]

And what are you doing to survive? What's the plan? You have a specialty, and now two weeks of complete nothingness?

[L]

No, I mean, I'll just get another cloud job.

[N]

Like, it's.

[A]

There's enough tech, high demand.

[O]

Yeah.

[L]

Yeah. There's not a lot of meat.

[N]

Me.

[A]

How long have you been in Houston?

[L]

About a year and a half.

[A]

Have you fallen in love with it?

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[L]

It's like the Bay Area of the south. It's just like, it's got more racism.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, there's a lot of tech. Yeah. Homeless.

[L]

It's not that bad. It's. The Bay Area is way worse on the homeless. You know, everybody, but it's not.

[A]

I know.

[L]

It ain't California.

[A]

Yeah. I'm not gonna get into it. I love it. Blake, what do you do for fun? Fun?

[L]

I collect sports cards.

[J]

Like, what.

[A]

What kind?

[L]

Mainly baseball and wrestling. Those sell the best. Like, I guess it's. It's fun, but it's also like a job.

[A]

Yesterday, just for fun, I typed in to the ebay search engine, just broadly, I just typed in the words O.J. simpson just to see what would pop up. And, well, my buddy Shane Gillispie took part in the auction. They auctioned off a bunch of stuff and he got so many cool things and it's. I'm honestly jealous of Shane yet again. Yeah, he got like all of OJ's old ties and. And an autographed thing that hung on OJ's wall, autographed by Bill Clinton. So it's Bill Clinton and OJ Simpson on the golf course. Just two absolute criminals. And so I think it's like the coolest thing that he was able to, at an online auction, buy this stuff that belonged to the OJ Simpson estate. Anyway, I don't forget what I was. Oh, there's so many OJ cards available. Do you have any OJ cards?

[L]

No, no, I've got some. The Undertaker. I mean, like. Yeah, both murderers, you know, that's how that. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

One of them's not really a murder. That's true.

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

It's written oj. Anyway, I bought an OJ card. It came today, and I opened it. First thing that happened, I got a paper cut. So, you know, it's a real OJ Simpson card. There you go. That's like a. That's like a late night show joke. Paper cut. Anyway, moving on. Anyway, we're back. Did Jimmy Kimmel live. I just want to say that America needs my. Shut the fuck up. Anyway. All right, that's my Jimmy Kimmel impression. We love Don Barris, but Jimmy's gay. Anyway, Blake, tell us the craziest thing that you've ever had happen to your life. You. The beard, the hair, the skin tone. It tells us that you've seen a lot. You seem like the kind of guy that would eat OxyContin candy.

[L]

I mean, I have. Yeah. I just had back surgery, so I was on oxys. That was bad. Yeah. Craziest thing I Tried to buy an ambulance once.

[A]

Ooh.

[L]

Yeah. When I was getting out of the marine corps, me and my buddy tried to get the small business VA loan to buy an ambulance to create a bangbulance.

[A]

Oh, yeah, that's. That, that would be different. I've never seen a bangbulance.

[L]

Yeah, they. They denied it. It was.

[A]

Wow. That would have been a smart thing, right? So instead of like a gang bang bus or whatever it is, you pick up the person that needs help and then they get fucked.

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

Amazing.

[L]

I mean, I was gonna use me, but yeah, we could pick people up, I guess.

[A]

Is that something that you are interested in doing? You see yourself having the capabilities and accessories and parts to be a successful porn star?

[B]

No.

[A]

I'd imagine the pubes are out of control.

[L]

Fucking bare floors, baby. You know, it's.

[A]

Yeah. By you mean bear. B e a r

[L]

I've growled at before. I don't know.

[A]

I do too. When I see pussy, I go, stay away. I'm kidding. I'm straight. Roseanne. See? Okay. Blake Jones. So you're working in Houston. How often do you sign up for the show out?

[L]

I've been coming like the last month and a half probably.

[A]

So you make this two and a half, three hour drive?

[L]

Yeah, every Monday. Wow. Probably like six, seven weeks in a row now.

[K]

Yeah.

[A]

Stop at Buc Ees halfway, you get bastard. Goddamn right. Now let's talk about that, my friend. What is your go to order at Bucky's? What. What did they have you hooked on?

[L]

I like the sliced brisket. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's. And they got rid of my favorite snack, though. They had the, the cookie dough bites. They just got rid of them.

[K]

I don't know.

[F]

Like.

[L]

Yeah, they're gone, dude.

[A]

Yeah. I actually knew they got rid of their cookie dough bites. When I walked by red band's place and his flag was flying at half stack. I'm like, what is going on? And then I, I, I immediately knew buc ee must have gotten rid of their cookie dough.

[M]

B.

[A]

Well, I wish we had horn players here that could. I wish I, I wish I, I wish I sp spend fifteen hundred dollars a night on horn players. You sons of. Do something, you goddamn bastards, or I'm calling ice. There you go. There you go. That's what you. That's.

[F]

All right.

[A]

All right. That's enough. You keep playing that, I'm gonna call ice on you. All right. It's fun. Nowadays you really get to use anything. You can get a Mexican to do anything nowadays. It's incredible.

[D]

I love it.

[A]

All right, Blake. So awesome. The momentum of the show is incredible. Three in a row. Good comedian. And you are that third. Here's a big joke book. Come back again. Sign up again.

[L]

Bridge.

[A]

Blake Jones, everybody. Blake Jones. Blake Jones. You know Mike Jones. You know Mike Jones. All right, back to the bucket we go. We have the legends. How about one more time for Paulie and roseanne? Hanging out with us. What a special treat. When I started stand up 18 and a half years ago, I mean, holy shit, to think that I'd be here with you guys, wanting to be on a show like mine. Such an honor. Incredible. I love you. Your next bucket pole goes by the name of Eric McVeigh, everybody. Here we go.

[N]

I like to fuck cancer patients

[A]

not

[N]

because they still deserve to get penis, but because I don't have to worry about pulling out. All right, now, I think this new generation of butt stuffers and ass eaters is doing it wrong. See, when I was growing up, it was considered real sexual for a woman to taste herself. So after you put your dick in her pussy, she'd suck her juices off. Right. All right. Now, personally, I haven't put my dick in the diarrhea dungeon because when I was younger, I concocted this irrational fear that when I pulled out, I'd have a piece of shit corn stuck in my pee hole. Then I'd have to shoot my way out of that ass with my own pee pee gun. I wonder if that's how the Indian women get their red dots. That's my time. I'm Eric. Thanks.

[A]

Eric McVay.

[B]

Fantastic material.

[E]

Great.

[B]

You know, can you be my writer, please?

[A]

Eric McVeigh, welcome to the show. This is your first time on, correct?

[N]

Yes, sir.

[A]

Have you been doing stand up between eight and nine months?

[I]

Months?

[N]

No, a little less than that. I started a few years ago and I had a bad experience, so I took a break for a while.

[A]

Well, looks like you just had another one. So what was the bad experience from a few years ago? It was just, by the way, take note of how hard Roseanne and Paulie are laughing because the thought of quitting because of a bad experience is hilarious to them.

[N]

Well, well, I'm from Connecticut, which is real small, and the borders of your

[A]

state control your destiny.

[N]

So. So the promoter at the time, the guy that was booking everybody, was just a real sleazeball, and it just gave me a bad taste in my mouth.

[A]

Wow. Okay. Does that mean he came in your mouth?

[N]

No.

[A]

Okay. So you quit comedy because the booker was A sleaze ball. Amazing. And how long have you been back at it again?

[N]

Just recently. I moved here about eight months ago. I've only been at it a few months.

[A]

So when I said 8 to 9, how long did you do it the first time?

[N]

Probably about six months.

[A]

About six months. And now you've been doing it a few months. Let's add that together because I wrote down Redban is a witness to this. I have eight, nine months. And you know how I know you've been doing it between eight and nine months total?

[N]

Because you're the man.

[A]

That's what I would say if I wasn't in public right now. But I actually know. Because you came out guns a blazing. Correct. I've been fucking cancer patients. You had everybody immediately instead of what someone that has been doing it four months or less would do, which is how you guys doing? Kill Tony. And then everybody's like, yeah, come on, fucko. Right. Rookie mistake. And it's also something that a veteran of comedy would do. How you guys doing? Great. Momentum, momentum, momentum riding off of that. You didn't do that. You came out with a fundamental strong start of cancer patients. You had us all bought in on the premise and then it all went downhill from there. Do you know that coming inside of cancer patients, first of all, sometimes. Sometimes they survive?

[N]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

So the premise is a little bit wobble. Radiation therapy would kill anything that's inside them. Tony. Whoa. Our senior cancer correspondent Brian Redband is here. Wow, look at that.

[B]

Give it up for Brian Redband. He's our friend.

[A]

Yeah. We figured out how he cheered himself up after Bucky's cookie dough bites went out. He started nutting inside of cancer patients. All right, Eric, what do you do for work?

[N]

I'm a driver for FedEx.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Wow. Okay, very good. FedEx.

[C]

I'm never sending anything through FedEx or accepting anything.

[B]

FedEx just got himself fired, bro.

[H]

For real?

[A]

No, think. No, he's gonna.

[C]

Your act was terrifying, actually. Very terrifying.

[N]

Yeah. I go for shock and awe sometimes.

[A]

It is. It is. You have. That's. Again, that's. You know, you just got to be able to finish these big premises if you're going to go into them. You got it, though. Which is its own talent. Having an eye for a good premise and having the control and performance.

[C]

Punch lines.

[A]

Yes. Punch lines are important. It's a one, two punch. You have the package, but you need to deliver it to the doorstep.

[N]

I got to.

[A]

I like your premise, but where you go, you're taking a long route. You're taking too many right turns to save gas or whatever the fuck you guys do. Eric, what's your love life like? Are you as lonely as you look?

[N]

No, no, no. I'm in a relationship.

[A]

You're in a relationship? How long has that been for?

[N]

About a year and a half.

[A]

Have. Okay, what does she do?

[N]

She works at a kid's dentist.

[A]

A adorable.

[N]

And she talks too much.

[A]

Wow. Okay, when does she talk too much?

[N]

All day.

[A]

Okay.

[N]

As soon as I get home.

[A]

Wow. What does she talk with you about?

[N]

Just her day. Just normal relationship stuff.

[A]

Does she normally complain about the kids or the dentist boss of hers?

[N]

The kids.

[A]

Kids, all right.

[N]

Screaming kids.

[A]

Right.

[N]

She'll send me videos of, like, kids screaming in the back. Sounds like torture.

[A]

Oh, Redband does that to me sometimes. He'll send me a video of kids screaming in the back. Is this the first woman you've ever dated? Like, yeah. I noticed they talk a lot and they don't have a pee pee. All right, tell us the craziest thing about your life, Eric McVeigh. Something that makes you different than everybody else. Something you've seen or done or been part of. Perhaps it has to do with your family or something.

[N]

When I was in high school, I ended up working for 50 Cent Curtis Jackson as a lifeguard.

[A]

You were? Hold on, when you say lifeguard, do you mean you were his. His personal, like, lifeguard for when he's swimming?

[N]

So he threw a party for Reverend Jesse Jackson.

[A]

Oh, my God. Now I've already told you that you have unbelievably good premises with no finish. This is exactly that. Being a lifeguard at the Reverend Jesse Jackson's house, hired by 50 cents is unbelievable. So I'm guessing, as everyone here is assuming, that you spent the entire day saving people's lives?

[N]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. It was. It was the most work I've ever done ever.

[A]

Every.

[N]

Every 30 seconds we were jumping back in the pool.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[N]

30 seconds.

[B]

And why is that?

[A]

Oh, well.

[N]

Well, when they start to walk to the deep end, they can't touch anymore.

[B]

Who's day?

[N]

So then they start the younger kids.

[A]

Hell yeah. It's like if Baywatch was on BET or something, right? Holy. Oh, my God. So really, I mean, it was. There was a lot of work, right?

[N]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We got paid $100 an hour, though, so it wasn't too bad.

[E]

Okay.

[C]

Where do you get the ideas for your jokes?

[A]

Good question.

[N]

Well, I just think of a lot of random stuff and I just tend to Write it down and keep notes and.

[C]

But it's all sexually perverse

[N]

sometimes.

[A]

Yeah. What's a joke you have that's not sexually perverse? You talked about coming inside of cancer patients and then.

[B]

And then he talked about poor p pulling your dick out and having pee poopy on it or something. Yeah. That's disgusting, right?

[A]

Yeah, there was pee poopy on it. That's not good. Yeah. Give us a joke, ladies and gentlemen. Do you got one? You have one in mind? A single joke from your 8 to n Monon long career total. After you.

[I]

You.

[N]

That's not dirty.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That's not sexual. It can be dirty but not sexually perverse. Roseanne's asking for Kena with a single spotlight. And here we go. The pressure is on. He's closed one eye to try to force the joke to the front of his brain. This is real life, ladies and gentlemen. You can't make it up. Eric McVeigh trying to summon his one non sexually perverse joke. And here we go.

[N]

It's sexually perverse.

[A]

Oh, well, then that's. You could turn the lights back up, China. Eric, I like your style, though. Come back again. Here is a medium sized joke book. All right. There you go. Eric McVeigh, everybody. One more time for Eric, everyone. He's still trying to pick up the joke book. Eric, you have great premises. You have to finish the thing. Put the mic back where you found it up there. Now turn the little thing out so the KT points to the crowd. There you go. There he goes. Eric McVeigh, everybody. I have a special treat for all of you. Oh, my goodness. The lovely Valerie Vaughn, ladies and gentlemen. Her and Heidi normally only split duties in sold out arenas, but here we are, a very special episode at the mothership as they're recording episodes of their podcast. I have a special treat for y'. All. This guy is not a golden ticket winner or a regular, but I just find him to be a compelling, interesting, aesthetically pleasing joke writer and joke teller. Make some noise for the long awaited return of sir Winston Pickles.

[J]

What were the traffic on i35 tonight? There were more arseholes on i35 than in ED Gein's lampshade collection. Talking of Ed Geins, my neighbor was arrested yesterday for cutting his wife and kids up with a chainsaw. I know. I was appalled. I only went to see him last week and asked to borrow a chainsaw. He said he didn't own one. No one likes a liar, Derek. What's for the 15 mph school zones in this country. I always floor it to 75 miles per hour. There's no way I'm taking a bullet in those war zones. I get a lot of hassle for my jokes. I did a dyslexia joke last week and you should see the Blow back my neighbors again. Thank you. My name's Sir Winston Pickles.

[A]

You've been wonderful, Sir Winston Pickles. Dark premises with punchlines. It's almost incredible. That's exactly the note from the last comedian. And you are living that dream, Sir Winston Pickles. Look at you. And you're only slightly paler than Eric McVeigh with was.

[J]

Yes, slightly.

[A]

Welcome back, Sir Winston. Remind us all, how long you been on standup?

[J]

Six years. Stand up. Ten years. In white face.

[A]

Yes,

[J]

I do the white face because black face is frowned upon.

[A]

That is true. It's all the same to D Madness, though.

[J]

Unless you're Jimmy Kimmel.

[A]

That's true. That's true. Another Kimmel reference. Jimmy did blackface. Guys so good at fake crying. Sir Winston Pickles, let's talk about something we haven't talked about before. What is something in your life that we don't. Haven't found out about you just yet.

[J]

I've had multiple occupations call. Miner was one of them.

[A]

Wow. So you did do blackface.

[J]

I did do blackface at one point, yes. Yes, I did.

[A]

What else? What other jobs did you have? Coal miner.

[J]

I've been a sandblaster. I've been a premier league photographer. Wow.

[A]

A sandblaster. That's when you go to the Middle east and fight for our military.

[J]

Fighting for the British military.

[A]

Blast the sand people. Lasers. Yeah, amazing. So, coal miner, a sandblaster. What was the third thing?

[J]

Premier league photographer.

[A]

What is football?

[J]

We call it.

[A]

Oh, that's right.

[J]

Premiere soccer in your world.

[A]

That's right. Absolutely amazing. And what made you stop being a photographer?

[J]

Licensing laws.

[A]

License and what?

[J]

Licensing laws. Oh, yes, sir.

[O]

Okay.

[J]

People got greedy wanting too much of my money, so I build on it.

[B]

Got it?

[O]

Got it.

[A]

Okay, Sir Winston, how's living in Texas going for you? Go.

[J]

It's cooling off now, which is just as well there.

[A]

Is it hard on the hot days with.

[J]

Not as hot as Florida, believe it or not.

[A]

Right. Does your makeup run?

[J]

No, it's waterproof.

[A]

So amazing. Amazing. What else? S. Winston Pick. How do you wash it off then? Actually, I'm getting word that is the smartest question red bands ever asked in the history of the show. Unbelievable. You never know what another episode of Kill Tony will bring.

[J]

Alcohol.

[A]

Yes, Alcohol. So you have to go all over the head. You just like, dump it.

[J]

Yeah. And just wipe it away.

[A]

Wow. And you do you go full face every day? You take some days off some days, Yeah.

[J]

I let my skin breathe a little bit.

[A]

What do you do on those days when you're just Winston Pickles?

[J]

Well, I'm trying to avoid all the. The weird emails I'm getting lately from these clown fetish people who once talked

[A]

about, ooh, they want to see your pickle.

[J]

Yes. They want to see my pickle.

[A]

Yes. The old Sir Winston.

[J]

They have amassed in numbers now, Tony, so.

[A]

Absolutely. Pauly Shore, you seem like you've been had experience with clowns in your life. What do you think about Sir Winston Pickles?

[B]

Well, I just want to know what he does. I mean, you just stand up, but what else do you do?

[J]

Just stand up.

[B]

That's it?

[J]

That's it.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You can do other things too. You can sing like David Bowie. No, you have a David Bowie voice.

[J]

I have a David Bowie voice? Yeah. Well, a dead one.

[B]

Yes. No, it's a beautiful voice. People love David Bowie. And have you ever seen that movie Powder?

[J]

Yes.

[L]

Yeah.

[B]

You remind me of the guy from Powder. You could be an actor as well. There's a lot of things you can do, Senor Picco.

[O]

Yes.

[B]

You can go down to the bayou and you can maybe get some crazy stuff and some ostriches and maybe you can go there and see a whole bunch of things.

[A]

Yes. Things that famous in England are bayous and ostriches.

[J]

Yes.

[A]

Your knowledge of the Brits is incredible. Polly. I'm gonna check in with our the Queen Roseanne by.

[C]

I think it's really original what you're doing. I mean, I like the idea of, you know, the clown with really dark jokes.

[J]

Well, thank you.

[C]

I think that's really original. And I like you getting really, really dark about serial killers and stuff like that. I think it's.

[J]

Well, my neighbors think I'm a serial killer, so.

[A]

You're what?

[J]

My neighbors, they think I'm a serial killer.

[A]

Yes, without a doubt. We still kind of think you might be a serial killer. By the way, there's a lot of people that think you're a serial killer.

[C]

I mean, I think you. I think it's an intriguing act that you can really work with. I mean, I'm intrigued by it.

[J]

Thank you.

[C]

And you have good punchlines with it too.

[J]

Yes.

[C]

So keep on.

[A]

Yeah.

[J]

Thank you.

[C]

Get a little bit scarier.

[A]

I agree. I like that. Now out. I like it. Lean into the Darkness a little bit more.

[C]

Lean into it more.

[A]

Your social media is great. I follow you on Instagram. And your videos, you're like daily up, you know, you do these cool one

[J]

lines, 15 minute one liners.

[O]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah, they're great. What is it? Sir Winston Pickles. Just straight up Instagram. Yes, on Instagram. Okay, perfect. Follow him there. Thank you. Sir Winston Pickles. A fantastic performance always.

[J]

Thank you.

[A]

Fun to watch, right? Man, I'd love to have you on the Secret show again. Thursday. Boom. Thursday night yearbook. Real show in the city of Austin. Nino Hino's excited about the booking of Sir Winston Pickles. Oh, okay. I've been informed that this bucket pool is on the inside. It's one of you, ladies and gentlemen, one of you that signed up. Make some noise for zip. Everyone unzip. We got in inside lights. Is that possible? No. Zip. Any movement? Is that zip? Kino, you got inside lights? Kino, no. All right. Okay, we got movement. Is that zip? Nope. That's a guy going pee. Now's. Now is a funny time to go pee. All right, Is. Let's do something very special then. While we go wrangle this next bucket pool, you can turn those inside lights off, Kino. As I present to you one of the greatest brand new forces of nature in the Kill Tony universe. I mean, oh, my goodness. This kid is taking off. Off. I present to you who may be the newest, biggest star of this year. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the return of Timmy. No. Break.

[M]

All right, you dumbass. Retards like impressions, okay? This is an impression of a generic white guy named Tim Stiefler from San Diego. Okay.

[H]

Okay.

[M]

Who likes charades.

[H]

Yes.

[N]

Horny.

[A]

Okay.

[O]

Okay.

[M]

There is not enough time. It was. It was. It was Horny Officer gives Asian girl huge cream pie after deep Patty search. It was.

[A]

Wow. Just.

[M]

That was my impression of a generic white guy named Tim Staeffle from San Diego. And I'm glad I'm not that pussy.

[A]

That guy fucking sucks. Wow. The force of nature. The undeniable anomaly. Timmy. No breaks is back. And we've never seen anything like that before. We never thought we'd see an impression of what appears to be just a normal human being.

[M]

Just a boring, sad little Jew.

[A]

Is he a Jew? Is that a thing?

[M]

Yeah, I'm working on him. I made him Jewish. I'm a small dick Jew. I shaved off about 4 inches of my cock for the character. Went pretty method.

[A]

It.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Amazing, Timmy. I mean, an absolute superstar. So many trademarks. Such a freak. People Say, release the doves. He famously. He famously. At Madison Square Garden on Netflix.

[M]

Roll the clip.

[A]

Roll the clip right now. There it is. A dove fell out of his leather jacket when he came out. And then he saw, said, release the doves and opened his jacket and one more dove fell out. Because a dove accidentally fell out.

[M]

It was intentional. Tone. I don't like your tone, Tone.

[A]

Timmy, you know me. Nothing but respect. Whatever you want, whatever you need. You're the whatever I want. Yeah.

[M]

Okay. Well, I took care of the interview tonight. Here are your scripts.

[A]

Amazing. Absolutely perfect.

[M]

Okay, so this one is for D Madness. Okay, I'm gonna do scene directions. I'll be reading for myself. Tone, you have the first line.

[A]

Wow. You are the fastest rising stock in the show. Why don't you control the situation a little bit and tell the. Actually, I can't do this. I need to be honest with everyone. I've waited long enough. Spotlight.

[M]

A Spotlight shines on Tone.

[A]

I have a. We're good on the spotlight.

[M]

The lighting returns to normal as the rock monster from Fantastic Four strikes a sad tune. That's obviously you.

[A]

No. Okay. What the fuck?

[M]

Sex Man. You seen this horror? John de Plays had keys. Take it, Red Band.

[A]

Wait, you have aids? I think you're playing yourself in this, by the way. Yeah, it's. It's stage four. When it's stage four, you turn red. There has to be a cure. Maybe Joe Rogan has a supplement for it.

[M]

Cone shushes Red Band by gently pressing a single finger to Red Band's lips.

[A]

I already tried elk piss. Look,

[M]

There's a lot to get through.

[A]

We knew my promiscuous gay lifestyle would catch up to me sometime. You have to let me go. And you have to host this show. I don't think I'm ready, Tony. Don't think, Red Band. Just do.

[M]

The music subsides as a drum roll begins. Red. Quietly, Red Band takes a deep breath, preparing to deliver one of the funniest riffs in the show's history. Three, two, one.

[E]

Oh, God, Tony, if you have aids, then why does it taste like you

[A]

have so much more? Never mind, Timmy.

[M]

It bombs really hard.

[A]

Yes. Never mind, Timmy. You host the show.

[M]

Tone stands, clutches his hands together, and does that weird little thing where he shakes it on either side, then he leaves behind the curtain. Timmy takes his spot. This is kill timmy. Heidi, let's get a basket of garlic bread for the table. Heidi enters. Over. Overcome with desire, she goes down on Timmy. Timmy comes.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Whoa, whoa.

[M]

All right, we're good on Heidi, should

[A]

we go back to the bucket?

[M]

You know, I got a better idea. Ladies and gentlemen, the man I'm about to bring to the. Take it from the top. Ladies and gentlemen, the man I'm about to bring to the stage is without a doubt going to have the best minute in the show's history. The combination of words and sounds coming out of his face will change comedy forever. There is absolutely no way he won't live up to the hype I am building for him right now. He has only appeared on this show 741 times. He is the roaster of Rwanda, the Bermuda Buff boy, the Napoleon of Complex. Some people are saying the next big thing.

[A]

This is Tony's Cliff Sam. Well, man, these lights sure are bright. How we doing, Kiltoni? AUDIENCE

[M]

not so easy, is it, bitch?

[A]

That was very easy. That was a minute for me.

[M]

Okay, let's start the interview. Tone, how long have you been attempting stand up comedy? Oh, this is improvised.

[B]

Oh,

[A]

I've been doing it 18 and a half years.

[M]

18 and a half years?

[A]

Yeah, I started at the Comedy Store.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Moved here five years ago, so.

[M]

18 and a half years, Tone. Okay, let's, let's do this. I want to hear your best joke in 18 and a half years. No pressure, Tone.

[A]

Wow.

[M]

Let's just see a best joke.

[A]

Glad you asked, Timmy. And let me tell you, what you've built here is absolutely incredible. I gotta say, the opportunities that you give people.

[M]

Here's a small joke book.

[A]

And that's how you catch a small joke book. We can go all day, okay?

[M]

D. Hate your line. You have the final line. D.

[A]

This thing is completely improvised. I had no idea you were gonna do this.

[I]

This.

[A]

And I had to pee so fucking bad that I went pee. And while I was doing it, I actually read that you did write Dee Madness's part out. Is it okay? Can I read that?

[M]

Yeah, I, I forgot. D doesn't know how to read. Yeah, you could take it, Tone. You could take.

[A]

And I mean, it's real. It says D Madness. You see that? Say dig it, cats. I'm about to piss my drawers, you feel me? Need a righteous brother to haul my black ass to the junk quick like. Ah, shit. Too late. Done baptizing my britches. Hey, Tone, sip dis. Elk piss might cure the aids, you dig? Ha. Just jiving slim type shit and sheen. Okay, Timmy Newbrain. Good night, New Jersey. Timmy. No breaks, ladies and gentlemen. I mean, he told me. All he told me is that he was gonna try something crazy tonight and the kid is unbelievable.

[C]

I mean, he's the greatest thing in the world. That guy just kills me. He's so great.

[B]

Yep.

[C]

I've never seen anything like it.

[A]

Full command. Full.

[C]

Don't you agree?

[D]

Yep.

[A]

And that's exactly how I felt about him since the first time I saw him. You know, a lot of people are like, ah, he sounds like Dice. He's doing Dice. But it's like, that's a totally different.

[B]

It's doing a version of Dice.

[A]

Yeah. And in control somehow, more even confident version. A super controller of everything, light, sound, and elements.

[C]

Making fun of all show business.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

You know, which is just so original and so great. I mean, when I saw that guy, I told my son Jake, I go, he's. Why am I not married to that?

[A]

Yeah, you know, you're exactly right. Somebody making fun of show business.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

It's genius. He's genius. Level.

[A]

One of my favorite things I've ever seen him do is at Madison Square Garden, he's said, pop open the roof. I want the natural moonlight for this.

[C]

I know. It's so genius. Nobody's ever gone to that level. Anti. It's like Andy Kaufmanship.

[A]

Exactly.

[C]

I mean, you guys are so lucky that we got to be here with you.

[A]

It's amazing. This show, as corny as it sounds. We are lucky because the people that really think or that are, you know, that talented to be the next thing. I mean, you know, Cam's on fucking SNL every week, and isn't that fun? He's the reason why people are watching. You know, a lot of people are watching that show and whatnot, pulling out the rock and everything. You know, it's a whole thing. How about one more time for Timmy? No breaks. All right, we're going deep into this episode right now. It's a long one, but we're having fun. What time do we start? Okay, we're gonna meet this person. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Second coming. Is that right? Second. Kunaming. All right, here we go.

[O]

Hello, world. If one of you guys get abducted and ask for your leader, come to me. My name is Adam Dies, and I am the second coming. Second. If you break it down, say Condi. Kind of sounds like somebody deceiving somebody about the size of their dick. But really, we know second is really second, because the second unit of measure in an hour, there's a minute and there's second. So when somebody says it's going to take a second, it's implied. It's going to be More than one. Always. Kind of like when I told my kids I'd be back in a second. Now I'm in my second week in Austin, fucking off with y' all shit. And my second year away from them. I remember way back when I was seconds into a sexual session with my ex, and she was like, pull out, pull out, pull out. And I was like, in a second. Now we have a second child. I should have about, what, 17? Oh, that's a min it you thought you had for your time.

[A]

I'm gonna cut you off. You thought you had 17 seconds left there. You're a little up. Oh, with time.

[B]

I thought you did pretty good, bro.

[O]

Thank you, Paulie Shore.

[B]

Yeah. I'm the only one I think that got it, which is important.

[O]

Good, good.

[B]

This is good. We could talk after the show, right?

[O]

I appreciate it.

[A]

Let me ask you something.

[O]

Yes, sir.

[A]

When you say you're a little up with time, what do you mean exactly?

[O]

Oh, I. I guess I was off 17 seconds in this particular case.

[A]

Yes. So have you practiced that or something?

[O]

I. I thought I timed it a little. Yeah, I guess my time was a little off.

[A]

Your time's a little off. Interesting. What were you gonna do with the last 17 seconds?

[O]

I was gonna say some. And tell the. And ask the panel and tell a real joke. I was gonna say a bunch of horseshit, actually, so it worked out.

[A]

Have you been doing stand up comedy? No.

[O]

This is like maybe 50, 60 sets over the last year and a half, give or take.

[A]

Okay, so you've been doing it for a year and a half? A little bit. You're an interesting creature.

[O]

Right? You are.

[A]

Okay. What do you do for work?

[O]

I recently got fired from a restaurant chain.

[A]

Okay.

[O]

In Wisconsin.

[A]

What's the chain?

[O]

I'm allowed to say it like that.

[A]

Yeah, if you're. If you don't currently work there. I used to be a Chili's head.

[O]

I was at Chili's.

[A]

Okay, you were working chili line cook. Look, head chef.

[O]

You know what? They put me on the floor, Tony, a waiter. I waited tables at 42 years old.

[A]

Okay, all right. I don't think the age really has anything to do with it. It's probably the best job at a Chili's. They probably make more than the GM and whatnot. Okay, so what did you get fired for? Having greasy hair?

[L]

Yeah,

[O]

they started letting me bartend. I served an underager. What's crazy is I carded the person. I looked at the date, and I thought it was the date under 211 issue. So if anyone's looking for a bartender, I'm available. It was actually. It was actually the date issued date. It was so close, and it just kind of made. I guess my math was a little off. Tony.

[A]

Oh, wow. So literally anybody could have drank at that bar with a Wisconsin ID because the date issued date would always be

[O]

before 4 years old tries to underage drink at Chili's.

[A]

Anybody you guys go to, anybody trying would try there.

[O]

That you got. You was. You Texan nights are a lot cooler than mine or Ohio ends. Excuse me. Okay, right now.

[A]

So you still live in Wisconsin?

[O]

I do.

[B]

I do.

[A]

And what are you doing now? What's your next big plan?

[O]

Well, I had a. I decided to come down here for a couple weeks and try to get on. Thank you for the opportunity, everybody. Like, holy fucking cow, I'm here now, and I'm gonna go back and try to get a job at the. Not as a bartender at the improv place in Brookfield. I was gonna simultaneously practice dealing. I'm really proficient in cards and things of that sort.

[A]

Brookfield?

[O]

Yeah. Adam Ray just was there recently.

[A]

Poor guy. The late, great Adam Ray. He died in Brookfield that night. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Adam's thriving. Okay, well, before I let you go, what's the craziest thing about your life that you've ever seen or done? You look like a guy that likes hiding under people's beds and scaring them.

[B]

I've.

[O]

I've saved seven people's lives. I mean, usually ask if someone.

[A]

Wait, let me guess. You were a lifeguard at Jesse Jackson's birthday party. I was an 50 cent called you

[O]

ambulance rider for sure. Yeah. Know just right place, right time, Tony.

[A]

Like what? Give us an example where you.

[O]

When I was 15 years old, I saved two children that fell through the ice and risked my life in doing so. It was a cool moment.

[M]

Can.

[A]

Where did they fall through the ice at?

[O]

It was McCarty Park Lagoon in West Dallas, Wisconsin.

[A]

Latinos, right? Were they.

[O]

One of them was.

[A]

Were they Latinos?

[B]

I. I.

[A]

ICE has been taking out a lot of Latinos lately. All right. Okay. This is a long show. We're going to keep it moving. There goes what. What is your actual name?

[O]

My name is Adam Dies.

[A]

Adam Dies. Oh, there you go.

[C]

And you did.

[A]

Boom. Roseanne Barr batting a thousand. Unbelievable. The queen, like, execution of Roseanne tonight. Oh, yeah. Okay, great. All right, ladies and gentlemen, what an episode it's been. I mean, holy. Absolutely incredible. Who could forget the first comedian that came out here? Absolutely bombing Tonight goes by the name of Paulie Shore. Ladies and gentlemen, so far, One of my best friends were sauna buddies. We're cold plunge buddies. I'm friends with his dog Buster. I've been friends with him for 18 and a half years. I worship his mother, the late great Mitzi Shore, who got all of our careers started all of our careers except Red Band. She never started Red Band's career.

[B]

I, I thought, I thought I've laid my, my heart out for you this evening.

[A]

Absolutely, I thought.

[B]

And that's all I can do, you know what I mean? I don't have the best jokes, but I have my heart. And that's what's gotten me where I've gotten. So. I love you.

[A]

That's true. I love you. Brought to you by Bluechew and Zip Recruiter. Those are the actual sponsors and we've had so much fun. Somehow she has. Now after this, this last couple hours, she's without a doubt making her own ride. Running for guest of the year 2025. How about one more time for Roseanne Barr? The Roseanne Barr podcast is out. Everything Roseanne Barr. Follow her. Worship her. Bend the knee when you see her. That. Where can we go from here? There's only one place to go and that is with the all time record setting hall of fame regular, a man who created Right on note cards. The Strangler of Memphis, the Gorilla of Vanilla. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the big Red machine. William Montgomery.

[F]

I saw earlier today. Red Band has a new bumper sticker that says I'd rather be hijacking United 93. Dude, what does that even fucking mean? Redman. That's the airplane that went into the ground. That's such a weird fucking bumper sticker, dude. You know why the pony express failed? The horses formed a union. Did y' all see that Dateline episode where a prominent housewife was murdered and the husband was having an affair? For once I wanna watch an episode where nobody dies and everybody lives happily ever after. Dateline. I don't see anybody going on no date. Welp, I got locked in the Abercrombie and Fitch store again. Okay, this is my time.

[E]

Thank you.

[A]

You William Montgomery. Still got that little puppy cut.

[F]

Still got the puppy cut, Tony. And I'm actually really excited. My favorite video game. There's now a. The Ghost of Yote. It's like it's the second one of Ghost of Tsushima. And Tony. I've been having a wonderful time playing that.

[A]

Wow.

[F]

Tell us what 75 hours into it, the past five day.

[A]

Whoa. That's a lot.

[F]

75 hours in five days, Tony.

[A]

Are you.

[F]

I've been rowing a bunch of the row machine and then playing that. Now I have a horrible knot in my back.

[A]

Wow.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, my goodness gracious. So tell us what exactly happens in that video game. I don't play video games.

[F]

I'm a Japanese lady and I roam around the countryside of Japan, and I've been killing a lot of people, and I get different weapons to upgrade, and it's just such a wonderful time. It's a wonderful.

[A]

In this game, you're a Japanese woman. What's your name, lady?

[F]

Yote.

[A]

Yote.

[F]

Yeah, Yote. And then I can change her outfit all the time. So I'm constantly changing her outfit.

[A]

Wow.

[F]

For different scenarios.

[A]

Incredible.

[F]

Attack different people.

[A]

I see different outfits. You get to just amazing. You get to play make believe just like Phoenix Provocateur.

[F]

Yes.

[A]

I'll look at everybody. A bunch of Texans in here. Like a. How could you? It's a joke, Tony.

[F]

That was kind of hot. I didn't hear anything. The volume was off on the television, so I heard nothing that was said. But, yeah, she was pretty attractive.

[A]

Wow. Okay. The volume was off on the television. What do you mean?

[F]

I mean, I couldn't hear what y'

[A]

all were saying, so I. Oh, in the green room.

[F]

Yeah, I just saw the pretty lady on the stage. I couldn't tell okay what was being said.

[A]

All right, well, that's good. It's good to know that they're shutting off the volume in the green room. Who would want to pay attention to the show at all? Why would you want to know?

[F]

The fucking clown dude up there, He's a real nightmare up there. He literally turned the volume off.

[A]

Really?

[F]

Seriously. And I didn't even know what accent he was using, but he was using an accent. I could think he's from England or something. He's up there. I'm like, dude, I want to watch the show. I've been on it for a long time. Let me watch. Watch the show. And he's like, no, not tonight.

[A]

Wow.

[F]

Seriously. And he looks like a scary clown, so it's, like, horrifying. I hate it up there. Please tell me. Can't be up there again. I wanted to watch. It was looking like every. It looked like Demi. No, Briggs had a wonderful set. It's like, I can't hear any of it.

[A]

Seriously. Insane. I've never thought about even asking you about this before. You always close the show. You always are on the show. You're the hardest working man in the history of Kill, Tony. Except for me. And especially much harder working than Red band.

[F]

Who's he texting right now? Oh, he's on the phone. That's real rude, dumbass. What are you doing?

[A]

It's. It's. He's texting postmates right now. He's putting in his order. But I've never thought about having the green room report from you because you do get here a bit early.

[L]

What else?

[A]

Else. What else goes on in that green room, William? What else? What else drives you crazy about that green room?

[F]

Oh, my gosh, Tony. Well, it's weird. Liz Splat is up there tonight with somebody's dog. I don't know whose dog it is, but there's some big. Is that your dog?

[B]

Yeah, that's my dog.

[F]

God, your dog is really bad, Paulie. It is all on the floors up there.

[A]

Wow. Like, he's all over this stage out here. So like father, like son.

[B]

What?

[F]

Liz doesn't even have the dog anymore. The clown took the dog outside.

[B]

Paulie, up. Are you serious?

[A]

Dog is this.

[F]

He took your dog out back.

[B]

What did he do with the dog?

[F]

I don't know. I wasn't with it. Don't walk with his ass to the alleyway.

[B]

Don't bring him to Hans Kim, bro. That wouldn't be cool.

[F]

Well, Hans. Hans, yeah, Hans is up there right now.

[B]

First of all, why the didn't you text me back when I asked you to open for me and I got Hans instead? Bro, this weekend you. That's the word on the street playing that video game.

[F]

I'm sorry, I was wondering if you were going to bring that up. It was very rude of me. I did not respond to this message. I'm sorry.

[B]

He's too much of a star now.

[A]

Dude, it's not that.

[F]

I've just literally I've been playing that video game and I saw that you're texting. I'm in the middle of like changing her outfit up and I'm like, ah, I'll get to the.

[B]

I just like you so much and I'm so happy for you. Look how good he looks. He lost all the weight from Ozempic.

[F]

Yeah, I am the Ozempic poster child. It's been wonderful. I actually use Manjaro.

[A]

Roseanne Barr, the queen of comedy, the one of the all time goats of the art form. You've seen the show, You've seen William multiple times. What do you think of him?

[C]

I love William. He's one of my very favorite comics. You Are so funny and unpredictable, wild. I never seen nothing like you before in my life. And you have the best pot in the whole goddamn world.

[F]

Yeah, we need to smoke later. And Roseanne, I'm going to be honest with you. I was heartbroken. One time you texted me to bring you a joint and I brought you a joint and I left it in the mailbox. And I was maybe hoping that we'd be able to smoke together, but I was looking through the fence for a while. I was thinking, ah, this is weird. And then I left.

[C]

But I remember I didn't know you wanted to come in and smoke.

[F]

Well, I should have been explicit about.

[C]

You said, I'll just drive it by and leave it in the mailbox. So I thought, oh, he doesn't want to come in and get high with somebody.

[F]

Well, next time I'll respond differently. I messed.

[C]

Yeah, you should have said, I'll drop by and come in and smoke it with you. But you said, I'll just drop it off. That's great because I hate people anyway. I didn't want to really hang out or any of that. I was just in my adult diaper laying there. But I love you and I love your pot.

[F]

I love your comedy tonight. I have a joint in my pocket right now.

[A]

Let's go.

[C]

But I love your comedy and you know it. You crack me up of where you go. Places that only the, I don't know, crazy people can go. And I love that.

[A]

It is.

[C]

I love him.

[A]

Me too. He's a wild boy. Pauly Shore.

[B]

Yeah. So the whole thing is pretty fucking cool what Tony's doing here. And in reality, he's giving people breaks. He came from the streets just like. No, he was outside fucking homeless for a while. And now look at him. All the guys, Hans, John, all the people.

[A]

Who's John? Who the fuck is John?

[B]

I meant to say Ari. Maddie.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I'm just saying that you've done this. It's such a beautiful thing. You opened for me one time in San Antonio and you had just done this. And I'm like, you gotta get off your notes, remember? And he used to just always do his notes. And then he finally got rid of his notes and he'd start featuring. And now you're headlining everywhere now and it's beautiful. So I love to see it. It beautiful. Yeah. For real,

[A]

William. I mean, what an amazing, amazing time we always have. And it's incredible to watch your amazing expansion through the kil. Tony universe. What are some of your favorite outfits to change into in this female role playing video game.

[F]

Oh, my gosh.

[A]

Tony, rattle some off for us.

[F]

There's this one where looks like a ghost mask.

[A]

Wow. What else?

[F]

That's probably my favorite. There's a ghost mask.

[A]

What are some of your least favorite ones? Okay. So nice to be here tonight. Oh, okay. I can't think of the. It's all Japanese. You can literally just say anything. Say one mellow one so the horn players can do their sad thing that everybody loves. And then we'll do one more where it's a big one and then I'll end the show. It's like we do this every goddamn week. There's an unbelievable clear method. Okay. Yeah, just do the thing.

[F]

There's like this.

[A]

Just do the thing or what are you, red bear?

[K]

Okay.

[F]

There's like a green shirt I like

[O]

to wear,

[F]

but then also one that looks like a samurai alpha.

[A]

Wow. He's done it again. Ladies and gentlemen, the great will William. Lights out, Montgomery. What a fun night it's been. The drawing from Ryan Jeboat is in. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew. Oh, old school Paulie. Vintage Paulie Shore. He's gonna be selling that. Probably autographed after the show. Down in the lobby there's a bunch of cool kill Tony merch down there. New year's Eve still has a couple tickets at the moody center and a bunch of other. I'm doing a couple fun gigs. It's stand up, Tony. Hinchclip.com Roseanne Bar has the Roseanne bar podcast and so many amazing things. If you're not following Roseanne on Twitter and Instagram, your feed is boring. One of the most compelling, interesting, powerful, hilarious women on planet earth. How loud can this place get? One more time for Roseanne bar. Paulie's on tour. Paulyshore.com he's playing Richard Simmons in a movie next year. He's got his podcast random rants. How about one more time for the son of Mitzi, A man who bleeds black and red of the comedy store. The great poly shore. This episode brought to you by BlueChew and Zip Recruiter Red Band. Check out the secret show every Thursday at the sunset Strip.

[L]

Love you guys.

[A]

We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody.

[I]

The sunset strip comedy club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out red band secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.