#763 - JEFF ROSS

Summary

Kill Tony Episode #763 Summary – With Guest Jeff Ross

Date: April 7, 2026
Venue: Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX
Host: Tony Hinchcliffe
Co-host: Brian Redban
Special Guest: Jeff Ross (“Roastmaster General”, new Netflix special “Take a Banana for the Ride”)

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Episode Theme / Overview

This episode of Kill Tony features legendary roast comedian Jeff Ross as the sole special guest. The show blends its signature live, improvised stand-up competition—where aspiring comedians get “one minute” in front of the hosts and live crowd—with a focus on classic roasting, riffing, and comedic mentorship. The episode is filled with sharp banter, rapid-fire roasts, heartfelt moments, and a few standout performances, making it both hilarious and authentic in Kill Tony style.

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Key Segments and Highlights

1. Opening and Announcements (00:08–07:00)

• Tony announces Kill Tony’s return to Madison Square Garden and a new Netflix run.
• Sponsors and shoutouts (skipped here).
• The band is introduced; crowd hyped for Jeff Ross.
• Tony praises Ross as a mentor and close friend.
• Notable Quote:

  “Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you … a genius, my mentor, and one of my best friends, the great roast master, General Jeffrey Ross.” — Tony (06:24)

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2. Host & Guest Riff (07:15–09:15)

• Jeff Ross teases Tony: “You are the Nikki Glaser of Austin.” (07:19)
• Both roast the crowd:

  “This guy looks like he sharpens his head… your poor name is ‘used paintbrush.’” — Jeff Ross (08:07)

• Jeff and Tony reflect on Kill Tony’s early “Belly Room” era and unexpected rise.

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3. Comedian Performances & Interviews

A. Martin Phillips (Golden Ticket Winner) – [10:18–17:17]

• Stand-up bit about traveling with his drugged shih tzu service dog and dog pooping during a flight.
• Funny dialogue about service animals vs. handicapped comics.
• Jeff Ross shares his recent cancer recovery, chemo port removal.
• Notable Quotes:

  “Great memory. Back then in the Belly Room, there were, like, 80 people in the room and then another 80 watching on YouTube.” — Jeff Ross (09:09)
  “You look sicker than I do.” — Martin Phillips to Jeff, referencing both their health struggles (16:32)
  “It’s extra funny because I’m healthy. I just had my chemo port taken out a week ago. I got the scar right here.” — Jeff Ross (16:44)

B. Aaron Spaller [17:58–26:59]

• “Midwestern” comic, three years in, wears overalls (no boxers in six years: “I just gave up during the pandemic.”)
• Story about once crashing into a tree at 90 mph, almost losing job, valeting cars with a baby left inside.
• Quip:

  “Turns out this guy got raped by his barber six years ago.” — Tony, joking about Aaron’s aversion to haircuts and boxers (24:39)
  “I crashed a tree going 90 miles an hour. ... It was either kill her or the tree. I chose the tree.” — Aaron (25:46)

C. Vanessa Scaduto [30:35–39:19]

• Bit on “aging out” of sexual acts; participatory interview reveals she’s into “spiritual healing” and mediumship.
• Tony pushes her into demonstrating (“flex this medium work”) but Vanessa concedes she doesn’t improvise.
• Engaging, awkward, self-aware, and open with crowd.
• Quote:

  “I mean, pushing a child out of your coochie is pretty powerful.” — Vanessa (36:52)

D. Michael Hines [39:47–46:27]

• Stand-up touching on Native American ex, algorithm confusion, “alpha males.”
• Reveals colorful backstory: ex-Marine, MMA instructor, large debt due to DUI, now struggles to pay rent and faces eviction.
• Moment:

  “You were both a Marine and an MMA instructor … and now you’re getting evicted for weed.” — Tony (44:47)

E. Katie Carter [49:48–56:09]

• Edgy, well-crafted pedophile/grooming material, “never much of a closer.”
• Moved from Denver, works marketing job, aiming for comedy full time.
• Gets invited to the club’s “secret show.”
• Praise:

  “I like that all your jokes were connected. You came up here with an act.” — Jeff Ross (51:55)

F. Chris Celio (Golden Ticket Winner) [57:01–66:06]

• Blind comic, brilliant bit on Neuralink and “robot eyes,” clever musings on dating apps as a blind man, mushrooms at SXSW.
• Interview with Jeff: lost sight at 18, jokes on dreams consisting of 90s sitcom scenes.
• Standout Quotes:

  “I fucking can’t wait for robot eyes. Elon Musk keeps telling me … but it’s just old school Atari graphics—Pong pussy!” — Chris (57:11)
  “Your minute was killer. … I think you’re a really good joke writer.” — Jeff Ross (65:51)

G. Michael Scott [67:44–74:54]

• Stand-up: Riff on his Roomba (“He’s black. He cleans my house. I named him Toby…”)
• Discusses his life as a comic, being fired, working valet, odd dating experiences.
• Memorable Roast:

  “You met her at Shakespeare's? I was drunk before.” — Michael (71:13)

H. Eric Biggs [75:27–83:11]

• Set about being Midwestern (“I believe in binge drinking, not counseling.”)
• Tony and Jeff challenge him to do a better, second minute—he delivers marriage and trailer park humor.
• Reveals solid “normal” upbringing, lost brother to drunk driving, open about insurance day job.
• Quote:

  “You're built like a snowman … beautiful round head; beautiful round body.” — Tony (77:41)
  “Super confidence with no talent at all!” — Jeff (77:58)

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4. Notable Features / Moments

Comedy Music Highlight: Victoria Lang [95:17–105:11]

• Opens with quality jokes about pole dancing and her boyfriend's “sounding” kink.
• Delivers original, surprisingly well-constructed comedy song about living with her mom while dating, leading the house band live and riffing musically.
• Quote:

  “That was actually a good song—not just a comedy song.” — Tony (103:30)

Comedy Veteran Spotlight: Davey Wester [84:55–94:02]

• The original “cerebral palsy comic” from Comedy Store days; brings both edge and authenticity.
• Reminisces with Tony about LA, current Austin comedy scene, run-ins with police, eating mushrooms during an arrest.
• Button-mismatched, self-deprecating, roasts himself and the panel with wit.
• Quotes & Moments:

  “Alternative high school; we had lawn mowing as a course.” — Davey (85:54)
  “Everywhere we went, [Brian Holtzman] goes, ‘I have a handicap. I have a handicap.’” — Davey (91:55)

Regular Set: Dedrick Flynn [122:11–127:40]

• Headliner “dark storm of Austin/Chicago”, discusses being homeless despite recent career successes, and how that affects his dating life and “homeless dick package.”
• Riffs about absurd rental procedures, systemic issues (“they want me to write an essay about my bad credit”), humorously furious at bureaucracy.
• Quote:

  “I learned I was a better boyfriend when I was homeless... I learned how to fold a fitted blanket when I was homeless.” — Dedrick (124:41)

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Notable Quotes & Roasts (w/ Timestamps)

• “You are the Nikki Glaser of Austin.” — Jeff Ross (07:19)
• “He looks like he sharpens his head…your porn name is ‘used paintbrush.’” — Jeff (08:00)
• “I crashed a tree going 90 miles an hour…It was either kill her or the tree. I chose the tree.” — Aaron Spaller (25:46)
• “I mean, pushing a child out of your coochie is pretty powerful.” — Vanessa Scaduto (36:52)
• “I fucking can’t wait for robot eyes … Pong pussy.” — Chris Celio (57:11)
• “You’re built like a snowman…You have a beautiful round head; you have a round body.” — Tony (77:41)
• “Super confidence with no talent at all.” — Jeff Ross to Eric Biggs (77:58)
• “Alternative high school; we had lawn mowing as a course.” — Davey Wester (85:54)
• “You learned how to fold a fitted blanket when you were homeless.” — Dedrick Flynn (124:41)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 07:15 – Jeff Ross intro, Nikki Glaser/roasts
• 10:18–17:17 – Martin Phillips set & interview (blind, handicapped, dog stories)
• 17:58–26:59 – Aaron Spaller (overalls, tree crash, valet horror stories)
• 30:35–39:19 – Vanessa Scaduto (spiritual medium, cult-like group)
• 39:47–46:27 – Michael Hines (Marine, eviction, debt, life problems)
• 49:48–56:09 – Katie Carter (grooming material, Denver comic)
• 57:01–66:06 – Chris Celio (blind comic, “robot eyes”, strong set)
• 67:44–74:54 – Michael Scott (Roomba bit, valet gig)
• 75:27–83:11 – Eric Biggs (Midwestern, marriage, dead brother)
• 84:55–94:02 – Davey Wester (Comedy Store days, CP, mushrooms)
• 95:17–105:11 – Victoria Lang (song performance, pole dancing, boyfriend “sounding” bit)
• 122:11–127:40 – Dedrick Flynn regular set (homelessness, rental struggles)

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Tone & Atmosphere

The episode maintains the classic, raucous Kill Tony energy:

• Roasting is central—Jeff Ross and Tony roast each other, the audience, and the comics (often affectionately, always sharply).
• Comics are given space to riff and reveal quirks and backstories; there’s both mockery and genuine encouragement.
• Notable balance of heart and humor: Surprising moments of vulnerability from regulars and newbies, met with both comedy and support.
• The band's improvisational support is particularly strong this episode, especially during Victoria Lang’s music segment.

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Final Notes

• Jeff Ross is plugged throughout for his Netflix special “Take a Banana for the Ride” and the May 10th Kevin Hart roast.
• Tony encourages everyone to keep writing and signing up, emphasizing how the interview/banter portion is often as important as the material.
• Memorable moments: Blind jokes and roasts, unconventional living arrangements, a surprising comedy song, tales of survival (homelessness, health battles), and audience engagement.
• For New Listeners: This episode is a microcosm of what makes Kill Tony unique—live risk, comedy, the merging of veterans and strivers, and the full spectrum of humanity and humor.

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Bottom Line:
A quintessential Kill Tony episode featuring stand-out sets, classic roasting, unique characters, and infectious comedic energy with Jeff Ross at the helm.

Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every

[Jeffrey Ross]

episode of Kill Tony can be found

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony, Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever, Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hello there everybody. We are excited to announce, you know, we were the first podcast to ever do Madison Square Garden. We were the first podcast ever on Netflix and we're coming back to Netflix as you know. And now we are proud to announce we are going back to Madison Square Garden for the third year in a row. Completely unprecedented. The world's greatest arena. Tickets go on Pre sale special two day passes available on Wednesday morning at 10:00am Eastern Time. That's Wednesday, April 8th at 10:00am Use the promo code KILL to 6KILL26 and you can get special two day passes or you can get a one night pass. But you might as well come both nights. You're going to be in New York City, make a trip to the greatest arena in the world, support your favorite show on planet Earth and see all your favorite talents of the future, the past and the present at Kill Tony live at Madison Square Garden. Tickets go on sale Wednesday, 10am don't mess it up. Hey, this is Redneck coming live from the comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode to Kill Tony. Get up for Tony hits. Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? Make some noise over right, right there, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. Oh my goodness, how excited. How you. How we feeling tonight, huh? You're at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony Brad by Shopify, Tovas and Zip Recruiter. Oh my God, it feels good in here. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, everybody. Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Anachos Belgrande, the great Matt Muling on the electric guitar, John D's on the keys. 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Because the only thing that should define your brand is you. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Wow. Every single week I book it. You've seen it before. Sometimes it's three guests, sometimes it's Two. And then every once in a while, you're on a night here. On a night where it's so magical that I have one guest that I love so much, that our chemistry is so good for where we roll with one. This is one of those nights. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you not only one of my favorite humans in the world, a man that I consider a brotherly, fatherly super friend, but a genius who right now, his new special, take a banana for the Ride is on Netflix just came out and you will see him on the roast of Kevin Hart on May 10th. Ladies and gentlemen, my mentor and one of my best friends, the great roast master, General Jeffrey Ross. Yeah, baby. You can get louder than that. Austin, Texas. Yes, My man. The best. And he is ready to unleash the flame throwing power of another roast. May 10. The roast of Kevin Hart.

[Jeffrey Ross]

It's gonna be the best. It's gonna be the greatest roast ever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It really is.

[Jeffrey Ross]

I don't know if Tony will ever be able to top his last set, but you are the Nikki Glazer of Austin. Thanks for having me, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is the harshest roast joke I've ever had told to me, by the way.

[Jeffrey Ross]

That's exciting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm just gonna take that one. Absorb it.

[Jeffrey Ross]

The best jokes, the most unattractive front row I've ever. Ice truckers over here. Welcome, welcome, welcome, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is a wild looking crowd. This guy looks like he plays the organ at a vape store. Look at this guy. It's absolutely incredible.

[Jeffrey Ross]

This guy right here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, look at him, dude.

[Jeffrey Ross]

He looks like he sharpens his head. Look as this guy got.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's incredible. The human dildo in the front row.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Jesus.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is amazing.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Like your head should be part of a car wash. The bristles. I'm jealous. Look at me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He asks his. This guy goes in and asks his barber for the felt tip. Can I have an old paintbrush, please?

[Jeffrey Ross]

That's nice. Your poor name is used paintbrush.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're gonna have fun tonight, Jeff. You've done the show so many times. You were with us in the belly room when barely anybody knew about the show. He used to let me leave the writers rooms early on Monday. The rest of the writers used to make fun of me going, what is this stupid pot? You think you get to leave at 7pm to do the some stupid thing? They would bust my balls about it.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Great memory.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. You remember it when Tony would have

[Jeffrey Ross]

to leave to go do kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. And yeah, and they all thought I was just trying to flake out of work early on Mondays.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Back then in the Belly Room, there were, like, 80 people in the room and then another 80 watching on YouTube.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So you know how it works. We've done it all the way from the Belly Room at the Comedy Store to Madison Square Garden. Over 200 human beings signed up. They are packed like sardines in a dilapidated bar next door. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get six 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up. When you hear the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview and they get feedback and take questions from me and the roastmaster general, Jeffrey Ross. Anything can happen. The whole thing is improvised. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? We're gonna start it with a bang. Ladies and gentlemen, I have one of the best golden ticket winners of all time, maybe the goat golden ticket winner, here to get tonight's show started, the automatic machine. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the one and only Martin Phillips, everybody.

[Martin Phillips]

What's up? What's going on? I. I flew with my dog, and he was freaking out. I was like, man, chill. I haven't even hijacked the plane yet. You're blowing my cover. You know, I'm gonna get a new dog, get a drug dog and use it for good, you know? Say, yeah, Sparky, let's find out where the party's at. Okay. I see these erectile dysfunction medicine commercials. It's always the guy working on his farm or fixing his truck. It's like, yeah, that's what I need, a motor when I had shit to do, you know, when I were out livestock. Okay, cool.

[Michael Hines]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. The great Martin Phillips with exactly 59 seconds. Oh, yeah. Thunder and lightning, as always. Is that true? You travel with a dog?

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, I don't always, but great. Set up to a story I wanted to tell, you know, Perfect. I don't always travel with them, but every now and then operate if it's like, a short trip. So anyway, usually I drug him the fuck out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you do that?

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, well, he gets a cocktail of gabapentin and trapezone. And it works. It works.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. And you, like, break this up. You're just a special. You're just the old trusty pharmacist over here.

[Martin Phillips]

I mean, the vet told me. I mean, I didn't do my own research. Head in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

HE snorts it, right?

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah. Shove it in his nose.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. How long have you had this dog for? Most handicapped, Most people with a condition of any kind, if they have a service dog, they're taking that thing around everywhere. They troll it around with them. Honestly, I find it kind of annoying with my handicap friends. You. I didn't even know you had a dog at all.

[Martin Phillips]

Remember, the dog has said you made jokes about,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, what a piece of you were. I mean, that happened during my time. Agree. That happens. Luckily the dog was just tripping out on pain pills or whatever.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, it was. It was chill and. But. But yeah, usually, you know, he's like just, you know, high as. You know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of dog is it?

[Martin Phillips]

He's like shih Tzu mix.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's like a small guy, you know, and it's legs. Everything's operational or you guys like tw.

[Martin Phillips]

We don't have that. We don't have that in common.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're pretty. Yeah. You guys don't walk together through the airport.

[Martin Phillips]

He's kind of blind, so. Oh, he doesn't know where he's going.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A little bit there.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. D. Madness. Laughing at your blind dog. You gotta love it. You gotta love it. Does it wear wacky light up glasses

[Martin Phillips]

like D. Does they look as just like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it, I love it.

[Martin Phillips]

But yeah. Anyway, so usually he's, you know, sleep in it and stuff. And then we were on the plane and for some reason he started to like freak out or something. I don't know what was happening. He started to get out of the carrier, but I calmed him down. The drug said that two minutes later I had like a hoodie on. I looked at my sleeve, I was like, is this. Yeah. Taking us.

[Aaron Spaller]

He took a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In the carrier.

[Davey Wester]

The carrier.

[Martin Phillips]

During the fight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

During the fight with you? The flight. Oh, okay. I thought you guys got into a fight trying to keep him in the carrier.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, because he was shitty and that's why we were fighting. Yeah, you do little terrorist, no uncertainty thing. But I'm sure they're looking at being like, I think this guy shit himself.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You didn't smell it at all?

[Martin Phillips]

So I. If I, if I leaned out, I could smell that. I definitely was like, oh, but there's nothing we could do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What airline was this?

[Martin Phillips]

Delta.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. Normally you can pick up a scent on Delta, Southwest. It always smells like dog shit. So people would have thought it was a downgrade of. Of the scent in Southwest, but Delta, that's interesting.

[Michael Hines]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you in. Were you in business? Class or normal?

[Martin Phillips]

I think I was just Nora. We were in the back, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, cool.

[Martin Phillips]

Shit goes down back there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right.

[Jonathan Jernigan]

Literally.

[Michael Hines]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

He lived up to the Shih Tzu name.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, indeed.

[Martin Phillips]

Really? So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's incredible. So you had it on your hoodie. Yeah, I had you a little bit insecure after that. Was anybody sitting next to you?

[Martin Phillips]

Luckily, there was nobody next.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. That would have been great if it was like a. An Indian guy or something and you're like, God, it's this guy over here. Did you turn it inside out? Well, good question. Master Brian Redband. The master of having poop on him, everybody. Our senior poop correspondent, Brian Redb with the tough questions.

[Martin Phillips]

I. I just. I just had to say sleep. Roll it up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So amazing.

[Martin Phillips]

Know what? Good that is?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So amazing. Jeff, is this your first time seeing Martin?

[Jeffrey Ross]

I. I've seen Martin before. Never this close. Does your dog. Maybe your dog thinks you're wet all

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the time, you know?

[Jeffrey Ross]

Well, he's always like shaking, like the way dogs shake when they're wet.

[Martin Phillips]

Always try.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Anyway, how much money have we raised so far? Such a. For such an important cause.

[Martin Phillips]

You look sticker than I do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You vote and the.

[Jeffrey Ross]

It's extra funny because I'm healthy. I just had my chemo port taken out a week ago. I got the scar right here. Yeah, son.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Juan, I love that joke.

[Jeffrey Ross]

I love you for that joke.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay, sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Everyone is the healthiest I've ever been.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Well, I look like Bruce Willis if his trainer also had dementia. But how's my hair? Is my hair okay?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Martin Phillips, what a way to start the show. You are unbelievable. The automatic party starter, Martin Phillips has done it again, ladies and gentlemen. He is the man. Hell yeah. And now to the bucket we go. You guys know how this goes. It could be an insane person trying it for the first time. It could be the future of comedy that's been signing up for two years in a row and waiting to get pulled and it hasn't happened. It could be anything. Something in between. We're gonna find out all together. Your first bucket pool of the night goes by the name of Aaron Spaller. Everybody put your hands together for Aaron.

[Aaron Spaller]

How you guys doing? Hell yeah. So I've never lived in a city before. I've always been like a small town kind of guy. Just real simple, easygoing, like normal. When I saw something living on the side of the road, it'd just be a little animal, something cute, fuzzy. And now here I just got all these homeless people when I first moved here. Like, I felt bad for him. Give them a dollar, do what you can. But I saw this one guy that just ruined it all for everybody. He was holding his sign that said Cancer can't work. How are you gonna use your zodiac sign as an excuse to being homeless? You're not out here because you were born in July, dude. That's insane. I'm working three jobs, struggling to feed myself, and you just sitting. I was born in July. Can you help me?

[Davey Wester]

Like, no.

[Aaron Spaller]

Fuck you, dude. I try to look for the bright side and everything. I really do with having the homeless people here. I think I finally found it. It's like if you're out here on 6th street and anybody starts like shooting and they start blasting, we got a lot of meat shields we can use. I'm grabbing the guy in the wheelchair, I'm charging straight at him. We're gonna be the heroes of the day, man. But I'm just fucking with you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, there it is. The complete allotted time of Aaron Spaller. Welcome to the show, Aaron. How are you?

[Aaron Spaller]

I'm doing good, how are you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your first time on the show?

[Aaron Spaller]

No, Third.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right. Well, your look's always changing. Today you look like a full grown Chucky doll. So it's very exciting.

[Aaron Spaller]

I'll take it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been doing stand up?

[Aaron Spaller]

May will be three years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All of it here in Austin, Texas.

[Aaron Spaller]

I did nine months in Michigan to start, then moved here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, awesome. And when did exactly did you get the overalls?

[Aaron Spaller]

Christmas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Christmas? You got them for yourself?

[Aaron Spaller]

No, my mom, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your mom got those for you?

[Aaron Spaller]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's adorable. I didn't realize they made overalls for 6 foot 4 crackheads or whatever you are.

[Aaron Spaller]

It's easier to get overalls that fit me than goddamn jeans, man. And they're cheaper.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Overalls are cheaper than jeans? Yeah. Isn't that an incredible fun fact? All that extra fabric? Yeah, but I guess when nobody wants them, it kind of makes sense. It's kind of supply and demand or something like that. Cigarettes, Hundreds when they cost the same. Yeah, it's a really great point. Our senior cigarette correspondent, Brian Redband. Full of cigarette analogies. Aaron, what do you do for work?

[Aaron Spaller]

I do valet during the day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do valet?

[Jeffrey Ross]

Yeah, mostly tractors.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

John Deere. Amazing. Aaron, how long have you been valeting for?

[Aaron Spaller]

A year and three or four months, I think.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the craziest thing you've seen? Valeting? Craziest or anything. Come on, there's got to be something wacky. I know you're trying to keep your job. But you got a car. There's something sitting on the passenger seat. Just a lot of shitty dog. In a carrier, perhaps, or something like that?

[Aaron Spaller]

No, Somebody has left their kid in the back seat. And I was like, oh. Like, baby, baby. Like, I started driving off. And how much did you get for it? Not enough. I'm still working there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I noticed that you called it a baby. Baby. That means, like, it's a. It's like an extremely young child in a carry.

[Aaron Spaller]

Less than six months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Aaron Spaller]

Like, it's not. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. What did. What. How far did you make it until you realized there was a baby in the back?

[Aaron Spaller]

Halfway around the block.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Was it a dad or a mom?

[Aaron Spaller]

Both.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Aaron Spaller]

It's the family man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy.

[Aaron Spaller]

Yeah, it was weird.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. And how did they react? Did you drove? Did you realize before leaving the car, or did someone call you?

[Aaron Spaller]

Yeah, so, no. Every now and then somebody leaves the car. Something in the car. And there's the bike lane. So you got to, like, watch that mirror. Real heavy, look in the mirror for the bike. And I just see the parents, like, oh, shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh.

[Aaron Spaller]

I'm like, what's going on? And then you hear the. I'm like, oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Extra crazy because they had to hand you the keys or something, right?

[Aaron Spaller]

Exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you look like the last guy anyone would want to leave their little baby with. Luckily, you guys were dressed the same, so it was perfect. Absolutely incredible. Probably wear the same brand diapers, too. Aaron, what do you do for fun? What?

[Aaron Spaller]

I do for fun, mainly, like hunting, golfing, working on cars, going fast.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you hunt for?

[Aaron Spaller]

I've done deer pretty much my whole life because I was born, raised in Michigan. That's pretty much all that's there. Deer, ducks, squirrels. Simple squirrels.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you play music or anything? Why do you look like that?

[Aaron Spaller]

I don't have an answer for that. It's just free will.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Aaron Spaller]

Don't like going to get haircuts. Haven't had it in, like six years. I just go for as easy as possible. Like, I hate put in effort.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us what else you do in life in which you're going for easy as possible. You have one ply. Toilet paper. Jeff, what were you gonna ask?

[Jeffrey Ross]

Joke writing. Oh, that's for sure. It was so quiet during your set. I could hear the guy painting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What other shortcuts in life do you take? You don't get haircuts. Come on, There must be more. How often do you do your laundry?

[Aaron Spaller]

Oh, once every other week.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Aaron Spaller]

No I just have like, all, like, those pack T shirts, so they all look the exact same. You don't have to try at all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Give us another example, though. I kind of gave you that one. Give us another example of a shortcut in life. You know what it is? See, some people, they get pulled out of the bucket during this interview part. They don't want to, you know, they don't want to give. Give us anything good to work with. They want to look cool so they can show perhaps future girlfriends their amazing appearance on Kill Tony. You might as well get that out of the way. So, like, what is it, a shortcut?

[Aaron Spaller]

I don't wear boxers ever.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So there's just nothing going on underneath there. So those are true overalls?

[Aaron Spaller]

Yeah. Six years? Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Would you say. What do you say? Six years? Yeah.

[Aaron Spaller]

I haven't had boxers in six years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Aaron Spaller]

Or seven.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Haircut in how long?

[Aaron Spaller]

Six years.

[Jeffrey Ross]

What happened six years ago?

[Chris Celio]

What happened?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're cracking the case. Turns out this guy got raped by his barber six years ago. What happened six years ago?

[Aaron Spaller]

It was the pandemic. I just gave up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[Aaron Spaller]

I mean, nothing like, serious. I didn't get diddled or. I was living with my mom. Life was easy.

[Jonathan Jernigan]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Living with your mom, just free balling. Yeah. Wow. And she's like, here's some overalls, dude. Please, for the love of God, cover that up. Wow. That's incredible. What's your living situation like?

[Aaron Spaller]

Three roommates.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three roommates. How many bedrooms?

[Aaron Spaller]

Four.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many bathrooms?

[Jonathan Jernigan]

Four.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Look at you. It's absolutely shocking.

[Aaron Spaller]

Yeah. We all got our own bathroom, own shower, own shitter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Yeah.

[Jeffrey Ross]

But y' all share the same pair over.

[Aaron Spaller]

Aaron, tonight was my turn. It's my night out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Aaron Spaller. Anything else? Absolutely crazy about your life we should know about before letting you go?

[Aaron Spaller]

I mean, I crashed a tree going 90 miles an hour.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You crashed? You were driving a tree?

[Aaron Spaller]

Yeah, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Aaron Spaller]

Like a. Yeah. No, in a car. Into a tree? Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Okay, can I take a guess that this was six years ago?

[Aaron Spaller]

No, it was. That would make sense. But no, that was 2016 or 17.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. And where. This was in Michigan.

[Aaron Spaller]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And why were you going 90 miles an hour?

[Aaron Spaller]

Because I had this job where I was, like, I was in auto shop and I was their parts bitch. So I'd have to run around and pick stuff up. And I got too high and I missed all my turns, and they were on the phone just screaming at me, like, you got seven minutes if you don't pick this up. You're fired. Yada, yada. I was on a dirt road and just floored it and then there was like a cross and this lady pulled out, stopped, and then just stayed there. So I just. It was either kill her or the tree, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You decided to kill the tree.

[Davey Wester]

Yeah, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Let me ask you this. Did you end up getting fired from that job immediately?

[Dedrick Flynn]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. So they were gonna fire you for being late, but running into a tree saved you?

[Aaron Spaller]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Yeah. It seems like the story of your life, Aaron.

[Eric Biggs]

Smaller.

[Aaron Spaller]

It's something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Well, here's a little joke book, buddy.

[Davey Wester]

Little one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I almost made it into multiple pockets there. There he goes. Aaron Spaller. This is the bucket portion of the show very clearly. And here we go. We're gonna keep it moving here. Seem like a nice guy. Oh, there she is, the lovely Heidi. Everybody has made it to the show. The one and only. Watch her show. Love on the line. See it all.

[Dedrick Flynn]

L'.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Chaim. To your health.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

To Jeff Ross, ladies and gentlemen. Remember, watch take a banana for the ride out now on Netflix.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Thank you. Thank you for coming to opening night and everything.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was awesome.

[Jeffrey Ross]

That was so cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So cool.

[Jeffrey Ross]

I found a cool picture of us backstate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that's the best. You guys have to watch it. It's a heartfelt and hilarious one man show.

[Jeffrey Ross]

By the way. I tried it out in this room like three years ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Jeffrey Ross]

I. I did a some run throughs a couple years ago and some people earlier told me they were here. So yeah, it's kind of a full circle moment.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But I love it. I love it. We're all doing it. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by prize picks to playoff. Push is heating up in tournament. Hoops are here. Every bucket, every diamond, every win means more when you're playing on prize picks. And with their brand new team picks markets, you can now pick game winners spreads in total. So cash in if you're right during all the clutch buckets, slam dunks and Cinderellas this spring with team picks on prize picks. Red Bam. Tony. I love prize picks. I always loved making player picks on prize picks and now with team picks, there's so many more opportunities to cash in if you make the right picks. I even won my first pick. Oh, wow. Pick the winner straight up on prize picks. Back your takes with real money. Prize picks has team picks here in my state. I downloaded the app and I've been picking winners, spreads and totals ever since. Whether it's battles for playoff seating or Tournament hoops. You could make all your picks right in the same Prize Picks app. Team Picks are available now in 35 states including California, Texas, Georgia, Washington and more. It makes it super easy to pick game winners, spreads and totals all on Prize Picks. Download the Prize Picks app today and pick your first game winner, spread or total as the playoff push rolls on. And get fifty dollars in daily Fantasy Lineups when you play your first five dollar lineup. There's no doubt about it when you use code Tony. That's the code. It's Tony to get fifty dollars in daily fantasy lineups when you play your first five dollar lineup. Price Picks Predict is a registered FCM offering Team Picks and Culture Picks as event contracts. Trading involves significant risk not for all. The content provided is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute investment advice, recommendation to trade any commodity interest or an offer to open an account. Kiltoni is not registered with the CFTC or NFA Prize Picks Predict does not endorse or guarantee any statements made by third party promoters or influencers. Please consult with a qualified professional before making any trading decisions. Not sure how to tackle your taxes? Are you sweating the small print? You may be experiencing FOMO, the fear of messing up the answer using TurboTax on Intuit credit Karma. They help you get your biggest refund and then we help you do more with it with a personalized plan designed to help you hit your money goals. It's time to take your taxes to the max. Start filing today in the Credit Karma app. Ladies and gentlemen, your next Bucket poll goes by the name of Vanessa Scaduto, everybody.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

What is up Austin? I'm an older broad, you know, it's kind of obvious a little bit, right? And every day though, I'm reminded of it. The other day I was driving down the road and I saw a car swerving. It's broad daylight and I'm like, what the fuck is going on? All of a sudden I see the passenger, I can't bend over too far, sorry. Pop up and do this number. And I was like, oh, fucking roadhead, dude. I used to do that, you know, before I went to therapy and realized my dad does love me, he just doesn't know how to show it. What else, ladies? Titty fucking. Are you in your 30s still doing that? It's like we're playing an accordion, right? A shake weight, right? We're opening a pickle jar. Maybe I'll use my mouth if you're lucky. What else? Getting cummed in the face. That's not a Facial. Guys, it's not. I know, in your time, probably, but what else? Why does it always smell like bleach? I'm waiting. Nobody's been able to dispel that mystery. But the one thing I know that never changes as I get older is the shame I feel after coming in the shower by myself. My name's been Vanessa Scuduto. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Vanessa Scuduto. Welcome, Vanessa.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

What's up?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you been doing standup, Vanessa?

[Vanessa Scaduto]

I honestly didn't think I'd be doing it this long. So like seven plus years. I don't have an anniversary, but okay. Yeah, I know, right? That's the story of my life, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where have you been doing standup at what hospice have you been doing?

[Vanessa Scaduto]

Jacksonville, Florida, believe it or not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Okay.

[Dedrick Flynn]

That's right.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

Give it up for Florida comics, you guys. Dude, we are. We're the dude. I don't know what you guys are talking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Winning over the crowd with a classic. You guys.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

Yeah, I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really turning around the moment.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

Sorry about that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

After that. You've been doing it seven plus years. Do you get on stage a lot?

[Vanessa Scaduto]

I haven't in the last four weeks, actually. I just moved to Austin, so congrats.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What made you move to Austin, Texas?

[Vanessa Scaduto]

Actually, I came here for my spiritual. My spiritual group. I didn't come here for comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Believe you were in a cult. Let's talk about it. Amazing. Tell us about this spiritual group. Yes. You were right. I knew you were gonna. Just like your parents and your. Your siblings told you, but yeah, it's.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

It's really just a community. It's not like we have a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It sounds like they are weeks away from a mass suicide. Ladies and gentlemen. It's just a community, everybody. It's just spiritual.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

Don't worry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We just all wear the same outfits.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

At least there's a record of this, right? If something happens. No, I. I mean, it's literally. You guys may have even heard my mentor. Her name's Sarah Reeves. She's been on the Night Owl podcast.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. A lot of name drops and whatnot. Can you explain to us what it is?

[Vanessa Scaduto]

It's. It's basically just a community of different practitioners of different things. We just support each other and we develop our intuition.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What type of practitioning do you do? What's your specialty?

[Vanessa Scaduto]

I can do a lot of things. I can do medium work. I can do. Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, this sounds exciting. What type of.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

I can do healing.

[Jeffrey Ross]

You also do medium comedy?

[Vanessa Scaduto]

Yeah.

[Victoria Lang]

Ain't wrong, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You ain't Wrong. Oh, can we. Can we shout out to Davel I love it. The great bumping mics.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Awesome. What are you, the tennis coach for the.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

You know what? I honestly didn't know I was going to be here tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That happens. That's the risk we take.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

Signing up for a show to just sign up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Who told you? Your master at the spiritual group.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

My buddy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You should have known you were getting pulled, being a medium and all.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You didn't feel it in your.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

I told him I was. Was going to get called. I did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Amazing how you. Amazing how you psychics always guess. We always know, right?

[Vanessa Scaduto]

Don't we always know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. I didn't know. I mean, I totally knew, but I didn't know. Oh, cigarettes.

[Jeffrey Ross]

That's a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a. You can't make fun of this. You see that? A cigarette just jumped out of my hand into a bucket of paper. I'm done making fun of you. You are an angel. I'm joining the spiritual group.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

Appreciate that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Appreciate that. Holy.

[Jeffrey Ross]

This show is on fire.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I just.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

I just want to tell you guys, every one of you guys have abilities. That's it. I'm going to put that out there. All of you guys do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so what kind of. Let's. Let's flex this medium work right now because we never get to do anything like that.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

Not how it's done, but. Okay, I'll try.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Real master improviser you are.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

I'm not, actually. That's. I can't stand improv, so that's my fault. Okay, I know. I'm sorry, but it's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're crushing it. Right?

[Chris Celio]

You're doing great.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

Appreciate you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Everything is okay. So why don't you do some medium work for us? What can you tell us about anything in this room? Do you feel any energies? Kino, give me a spotlight. John Dees, give me a little medium music. Medium music, John, Here we go.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

I will tell you. There is something in the alley and I think some of your doormen have seen something. Movement in the back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, ask them. Okay, hold on. No sound effects during this part.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

Ask them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, ask him if he's seen movement.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

The doorman have probably seen movement, like shadows. And in. In the back alley area.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You felt a presence in the alleyway there?

[Vanessa Scaduto]

Well, it's. It's not necessarily a presence. It could just be residue, like energy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. There's a lot of energies in the alleyway. Let's talk about inside this room. Keynote. Stick with me again, John D's. Give Me, Media, music. The Is going on here? These. Are you awake? You put my keyboard player to sleep with your powers. My super stoned keyboard player. You made him fall asleep. That's incredible.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

I know. Sorry if I'm flashing my twat on any of you guys. I did not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Apology accept. All right, here we go. Medium work with Vanessa Skadutta.

[Victoria Lang]

Oh, God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, tell us something. Do you feel anything from the energies out here in the audience? I know they look very unhappy right now. That looks like.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

No, I don't. I don't really sense anything.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, great. Well, amazing. Can you explain to us something that you've done before, medium wise, in which it was a breakthrough in which everyone was like, wow, you're so powerful.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

I mean, I have a daughter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

I mean, that.

[Victoria Lang]

It's.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

I mean, pushing a child out of your coochie is pretty powerful.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about the medium stuff?

[Vanessa Scaduto]

I mean, I saw her before she was born. I knew what she was gonna look like. I don't know what else to tell you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Does she have brown hair and. Brown hair? No, no, no, no. You saw a blonde child?

[Vanessa Scaduto]

No, she does not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It came out looking like. It came out looking like Jeffrey Ross.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

Right, Exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The nose was a little more smushed, but.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

Yes, her nose was a little more smushed when she came out, but a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Why was there nose smushed from your vagina?

[Vanessa Scaduto]

Yeah, well, I. Yeah, I have a. I guess I had a tight womb. So you're trying to push.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

See, now that is something I wouldn't have guessed. I would have guessed that medium is an extra large.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

Well, I. I had her at a very young age. I had her at a very young age. Okay, so my daughter's in her 20s now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, cool. All right. Other than mediuming for the spiritual group, is there anything else before I let you go? Vanessa, for the spiritual group, do you have any special powers or anything?

[Vanessa Scaduto]

Well, yeah, a lot of them. We can do healings and stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys. Wow, that's amazing.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What. What type? What. What have you healed before exactly?

[Vanessa Scaduto]

Oh, like if somebody. I know. This is. Dude, I knew I shouldn't have brought this up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it's good. Vanessa, this is so entertaining. The last guy's a ballet guy that wanted to look cool and gave us nothing to work with. You're killing the interview part.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

Yeah, I'm sorry. You can heal almost anything. So it depends. Sometimes you can see.

[Davey Wester]

Well.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

I would have to go into a lesson. Like, we have auras and shit. You can see when People's auras are broken. You can clear them for them and you can remove certain energies. I mean, yeah. I don't know. I mean, okay, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But have you ever. Is there anything you can cite something that you've done? Like, have you ever, like, was there ever, like, a person?

[Vanessa Scaduto]

Yeah. My friend Scarlett, I help. Helps heal her. She's an artist here too, in Austin. If you guys want to check her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Her, like, spirit was broke. You just keep name dropping.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

She had. She had a pain. She had a pain on her back, and I removed the pain from her back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

So you can do that. I mean, but you guys can do it for yourselves too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. I love that you all are mediums that have the power to the heel.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

You. You do. You are divine beings. Remember that. Don't let this tell you different.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Absolutely is. Vanessa.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

Love you, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love you. You're nutty as hell. I love it. There she goes. Vanessa Doo. Very cool.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Vanessa. You're divine being.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Jeffrey Ross]

You're divine. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, Vanessa. We love all different shapes and sizes, and she was vulnerable.

[Jeffrey Ross]

She.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Jeffrey Ross]

If she was.

[Davey Wester]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like I said, I love it. That's why I. I say it so that the people watching the show that want to sign up at some point are good during the interview part. All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Michael Hines. Everybody put your hands together for Michael.

[Michael Hines]

I got cheated on by a native American girl. She was a Navajo. I've been getting a lot of Andrew Tate alpha male content in my feed lately, so the algorithm hasn't figured me out. Just because I hate liberal doesn't mean I like conservative ones. And it's cause they'll make one video make in front of some dork's pronouns, but then the next one, they call themselves an Omega Sigma Alpha male. And those are just pronouns for frat dudes, which is fucking gay. AI scammers and Indian scammers have both been evolving at a breakneck pace to compete. It's a real space race to see who can act human first. And it's impressive the Indians are keeping up with the digital war because they're fighting a physical war of Pakistan, World War II. Are you familiar? Let's hope it doesn't go pukeular. You know, every trans woman I've ever met has been mentally ill, so maybe they are women.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Michael Hines. Michael Hines with a strong dismount.

[Michael Hines]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. You've been on this show before. I remember you, Michael. Always funny.

[Michael Hines]

Yes, sir. Thank You.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What have we talked about in your other interviews?

[Michael Hines]

Last time we talked about me sleeping with a torta at the Nor the Dinar bar.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that's right.

[Davey Wester]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Torta. You don't know about this?

[Jeffrey Ross]

That's a sandwich.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In one way it is. It's also a very thick Latina girl.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Oh, torta.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very thick.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Got it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Heck, yeah. Has that happened again since the last time?

[Michael Hines]

No, things have been bad. I need to find a new apartment. They won't let me sign my lease again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, tell us about that.

[Michael Hines]

Well, my downstairs neighbor called the cops on me over 200 times in the last year for smoking weed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Jeffrey Ross]

The cops came 200 times to the leasing office.

[Michael Hines]

Apparently weed's legal for now, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah, very interesting.

[Michael Hines]

But they won't let me stay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Do you ever run into this neighbor? Do you ever see them physically?

[Michael Hines]

Oh, yeah, all the time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah? What do they do?

[Eric McLaughlin]

They.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are they mean to you?

[Michael Hines]

She used to yell at me a lot, but now I think the apartment told us we're not allowed to talk to each other.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, great. You love it?

[Michael Hines]

Oh, yeah. It's nice and quiet now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you smoke indoors? You don't have a patio or anything like that?

[Michael Hines]

No, I blow it outside.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You. So you smoke indoors and you blow it outside?

[Michael Hines]

Yeah. You know, they're not letting me sign my lease anyway, so might as well. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You, like, blow it out of a window?

[Michael Hines]

Mostly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So when is Your lease up?

[Michael Hines]

69 days from today. I'm counting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Okay. And what are you gonna do? Have you been looking?

[Michael Hines]

I've been looking, but I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm like $18,000 in credit card debt, so maybe I'll go back to New Jersey for a little while.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. And how would you. How would you save up money in New Jersey? Exactly. What would be the plan? Be there.

[Michael Hines]

I live near, like, a vacation spot, so in the summertime, I'd work there for a little bit, grind it out, and then probably get a worship.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In New Jersey?

[Michael Hines]

Well, nothing. I live in Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So the spot in New Jersey. Where is next to a vacation spot that's here or in New Jersey?

[Michael Hines]

It's in New Jersey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what? You just said you would go there,

[Michael Hines]

work and grind it out like a bar or something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you have no idea.

[Michael Hines]

No idea.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Trying to make me look like an. I was dialed in the end.

[Michael Hines]

I have no idea what I'm gonna do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have no idea. How did you get exactly $18,000 in debt? You're a guy that Knows that you have 69 days left on your lease. I'm guessing you're spot on. 18,000 and some change.

[Michael Hines]

Yeah, I had a DUI.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. Tell us about that.

[Michael Hines]

It was when I first came out of the Marine Corps, like three years ago. But since the pandemic, they didn't do my trial for like two years. And then while I was living here doing comedy, I got hit with like $12,000 in bills, and now there's interest in bullshit. So it's been like another two years since then.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

$12,000. Where was the DUI at? In Jersey.

[Michael Hines]

Yeah, in New Jersey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What part of New Jersey exactly? Jeffrey Ross is our senior New Jersey correspondent here.

[Michael Hines]

Long Beach Island.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Oh, man, you're going to jail. Jersey. Jersey. That's Jersey shore. Jersey.

[Michael Hines]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Michael Hines]

I knew the cops had arrested me, so I thought I was going to get away with it.

[Jeffrey Ross]

How'd you know them?

[Michael Hines]

I used to be an MMA instructor and they were students in the class.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I. A couple things in this interview that's boggling my mind is the fact that you were both a Marine and an MMA institute.

[Michael Hines]

Used to be in good shape. I've gained 35 pounds since I started doing comedy. Hell.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Amazing. Tell us how you gained the weight exactly.

[Michael Hines]

Mostly eating at night. And this is a sad thing to do, man, when you're not on the other side of the microphone, it's. This is a sad place to be a lot of the time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know if you see, but red band's also on the other side of the microphone. He's also put on 35 pounds on the last three months. It seems like all your problems actually stem from smoking weed, by the way.

[Michael Hines]

It was an alcohol dui.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I mean from the weight in your neighbors, your apartment, you're.

[Michael Hines]

That's probably true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How much did you drink the night of your dui? Did you hit something or just.

[Michael Hines]

No, they just pulled me over because it was 11 o' clock on a Saturday in the summertime in Long beach island, and it's a beach town.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Remind me again, how did the cop know you again?

[Michael Hines]

I was an MMA instructor in the classes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you taught him well?

[Michael Hines]

I mostly taught the kids, but I helped out during the adult classes. And I used to joke, you could never arrest me if you wanted to. Cause I could beat him up. And turns out he could arrest me.

[Chris Celio]

Wow.

[Michael Hines]

He got me.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Did you say anything to him when it was going down?

[Michael Hines]

Yeah, you know, I tried to do my best. They put their knee on my neck but you didn't see me complaining. But wow, they were scumbags. Cause once they were trying to book me as fast as I can because I said, we got to get out there and get more people. They were pieces of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, no, you could have killed somebody.

[Michael Hines]

Well, it was just below the legal limit or just above, rather. It was right there. So I was. We kind of should be allowed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, I see.

[Michael Hines]

It's an arbitrary number. That's close to it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But you were smoking weed that night as well.

[Michael Hines]

No, I waited till I got home. I didn't want to get in more trouble.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, you waited till you got home so you could blow it in the neighbor's vent.

[Michael Hines]

That is true. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Michael Hines, anything else crazy we should know about before I get you out of here?

[Michael Hines]

No, not really.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Perfect.

[Michael Hines]

Oh, yeah.

[Jeffrey Ross]

This shows what people dedicate of their lives to be comedians. This guy was an in shape MMA instructor. Probably got tons of, you know, chicks and had a great life. But you're like, I have to express myself on stage.

[Michael Hines]

Yeah, I know. Come on, at least give me a big joke book. I did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, didn't you get one last time?

[Michael Hines]

Yeah, but I wrote in it. I write all the time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You filled it up?

[Michael Hines]

Yeah. Dude, you hear how much I write?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Geez Louise, Here you go. This guy's gonna sell it. Find that joke book on ebay in a couple weeks. This guy's 18 grand in debt. Handmade joke books by the Great bonsai. Available at killmerch.com Howdy Cal folk. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. Talkspace is the number one rated online therapy, bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatrists that you can access anytime, anywhere. It's easy to get started. You can easily sign up online and get paired with a licensed provider, typically within 48 hours. You can take your appointments from the comfort and privacy of your own home. And you can even talk it out between sessions by sending text messages to your therapist. Unlike other telehealth companies, psychiatry is available through talk space, so you can get the medication you need to supplement your talk therapy if needed. Talk space makes getting the help you need easy, accessible, and affordable. Plus, most insured members have a zero dollar copay. I'm gonna let my man Red Band tell you about why he loves Talkspace. Tony, I fancy me some talk space.

[Chris Celio]

They're providing some of the best mental health treatment out there, and therapy has led for me some real moments of transformation.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've really noticed it ever since you started using them. It's been amazing. And as a listener of this podcast, you'll get 80 off your first month with Talk Space when you go to talkspace.comtony and enter promo code space8.0. That's S, P, A, C, E80. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to talkspace.comtony and our promo code space80 right now. Do it. Support the show. Hello.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This podcast is sponsored by Into Cloud. You know, when some comedians bomb so hard, the whole room goes silent? Getting a little buzz might be the only thing that makes that experience funny. And I'm not talking about beer or wine. And if you're settling in to watch the best live podcast on the planet, Into Cloud makes it even better. Into Cloud is a fully legal online cannabis dispensary for gummies, exotic flower, premium pre ro and zero sugar THC sodas, red Bam. Tony. I love Into Cloud.

[Chris Celio]

It's the best online dispenser I've used. Everything is federally legal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hemp, THC lab tested and shipped discreetly to your door. And with 420 around the corner, new

[Chris Celio]

customers can get 40% off all month

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

long with Ind Cloud's biggest sale of the year. I think he's using Into Cloud right now. If you're 21 or older, go to indecloud co. That's.conot.com and use code Tony for 40 off your first order. That's indecloud. Code Tony for 40 off all month long. Ship discreetly to your door. Plus free shipping on orders, over $50, $30 in free gifts on qualifying orders. And don't forget to fill out the quick survey when you order to support the show. Please enjoy responsibly. And big thanks to in the Cloud for supporting your 420 Coded Comedy Nights. Please enjoy responsibly. All right, another bucket pool. Put your hands together for Katie Carter, everybody. Katie Carter.

[Katie Carter]

I got groomed when I was in high school. Groomed, not molested, because I've never been much of a closer. So I told a comic this recently. He was like, oh, was the guy, like, a real pedophile or did you just, like, develop early? Yeah, that's like saying, was the guy a real pedophile or were you, like, a really sexy kid? And I was. So you guys get it. I read a statistic that 20% of pedophiles have erectile dysfunction, which is crazy to imagine being a pedophile and working so hard all day to get a kid to come into your van. And then you finally do and you have to be like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. This never happens to me. Please don't tell your parents about this part specifically. This is humiliating and the kid has to console you. He's like, no, this probably just because you had, like, too much of the Eucharist or whatever. So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Right on the money. Exactly a minute from Katie Carter. Welcome to the show, Katie. How long you been on stand up?

[Katie Carter]

Two years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where at?

[Katie Carter]

Denver.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice. You still live there?

[Katie Carter]

Nope, just moved here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sweet. How long ago?

[Katie Carter]

Like three months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Awesome. Absolutely incredible. Do you have, like a day job or something?

[Katie Carter]

It's like dumb chick shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice.

[Katie Carter]

Not only fans. I have, like a marketing job, but it's boring. It's. Comedy is the real goal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very cool. And you get on stage a lot around Austin? There's a lot.

[Katie Carter]

Yeah. I'm trying to get, like six and

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

seven nights a week.

[Martin Phillips]

Cool.

[Victoria Lang]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. What do you do, like, for hobbies

[Katie Carter]

and stuff, you know, more dumb chick shit, I guess. I just. Yeah, like running and fucking, jerking off, all that stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I love that. Incredible red man.

[Katie Carter]

I thought you'd like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Katie Carter]

Give you some material for later.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're definitely doing the secret show on Thursday, so congratulations. Let me be the first to tell you. I'll still let him do it at the end and everything. It'll be great. You'll be real surprised.

[Katie Carter]

That's why I did the show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, it's just incredible. Jeff Ross, are we going to.

[Jeffrey Ross]

I like that you're all your jokes were, like, connected. Like, you weren't doing random shit. You came up here with an act.

[Katie Carter]

Thanks. Hey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Katie Carter]

Bars low. I appreciate it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Stayed on topic. Stayed in the pocket. Incredible. Katie, what else is going on in life?

[Katie Carter]

Just moved here. It's cool. You guys have a different. You have a pretty crazy homeless situation here. It's a lot different than Denver. It's cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it is. It is a little. Again, it's very concentrated like here.

[Katie Carter]

Yeah, well, it's different. Like in Denver, if someone, like, asks you, like, like to get them something from a gas station, you're, like, legally required by Joe Biden to do it, you know? But here, you can just say no and shoot them. So it's awesome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is. It is very awesome. We take full advantage of that.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Tony's like, there's only homeless people right here in this neighborhood. Not in my 18th floor penthouse. Yeah, there's no. It's like. It's only certain places I do. Not in my hot tub. Although there probably has been homeless people in your house.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, we have some wild nights here in Austin. No doubt about it. Maggie has to wash off every once in a while. The lovely Maggie. Available at 5th and the alleyway between Nueces and Rio Grande. No, it kind of is, though. I mean that like there's like a. There's like a four or five blocks. Pretty much the street. Yeah. And. And they know, you know, it's like the tourists. It's kind of like Hollywood and Highland in. In LA or all of New York City. You know what I mean?

[Jeffrey Ross]

This is the worst plug for the mothership.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, it is true. There was a psychotic liberal mayor, I guess, like six years ago that built a homeless shelter right here on 6th Street, 7th street, and wherever the creek and the cave is. So like kind of in the middle of all the comedy clubs, there's just homeless people and then there's homeless comedians and there's comedians that have. Have four bedrooms and whatever. What's your living situation? You live by yourself?

[Katie Carter]

You just done an underpass on I. No, I'm kidding. No, yeah, I live alone. It's super cool. Thinking about doing h here soon, so we'll see.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Doing what?

[Katie Carter]

Heroin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, nice. Very good. But you have like a normal girl setup. You have like that fluffy white plain comforter and like, you know.

[Katie Carter]

Yeah, Yep. Red man's gonna think about it later.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, he's thinking about it right now. Oh, he's got something to say. Look at this. What kind of post posters or paintings

[Chris Celio]

you have on your wall?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Posters. Yeah, they have posters. You could tell this guy fantasizes about a lot of 12 year olds over here. Yeah, My Little Pony.

[Katie Carter]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you have any art?

[Katie Carter]

Do I have any art?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Do you have art hanging on your walls?

[Katie Carter]

You know, honestly, right now, no. It's kind of sociopathic, but. So sorry. I can put up some hello Kitty posters if you want. If that would just finish or whatever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You just have. You just have like one of those like standup mirrors that you got off Amazon or something.

[Katie Carter]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the one from Target that makes you have body dysmorphia. Keeps me going, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely incredible. Jeffrey Ross.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Tony has. Tony has like Tom Brady quotes hanging up at his house.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love that you think that Theodore Roosevelt quote is a Tom Brady quote,

[Jeffrey Ross]

because I get it. The man in the arena. But I tried to. I wanted to make it funny. It's inspiring.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's very inspiring.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Every few weeks, every few months, Tony sends me the great Theodore Roosevelt poem. The man in the arena.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is true. It is true.

[Jeffrey Ross]

It's inspiring.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It really is.

[Aaron Spaller]

You ever had Hitachi?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Red band. You're not allowed to. Every time there's a pretty girl on, you're not allowed to ask them disgusting questions like that. It's wrong and it doesn't represent what the show is. Do you have a doi.

[Katie Carter]

Wait, what is that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, it's nothing. It's a television brand. Anyway, Katie Carter, will you tell me

[Katie Carter]

on the secret show later, what kind

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

of car do you have?

[Katie Carter]

What kind of car do I drive? What kind of car do you think I drive?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Kia.

[Katie Carter]

Okay. You think I'm a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's fair.

[Katie Carter]

No, I drive a Hyundai Elantra.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was the next guess. That's basically slightly better than ikea.

[Katie Carter]

Think I'm poor, Tony?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, probably. Yeah, very likely.

[Eric Biggs]

Timmy.

[Chris Celio]

No break breaks jacket.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They actually call me.

[Katie Carter]

They call me Timmy. No tits is my nickname around here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. That's unfortunate. Katie, you are a true comedian. I see nothing but wild success in your future, Red band. Pretend like you're thinking about it. Here's the thing. On the secret show. You did it. Awesome stuff, Katie Carter. Awesome. You're a dirty boy, Brian Redband. You're a naughty, naughty, dirty boy. We have another golden ticket winner, ladies and gentlemen. It is that time to bring him out. He is incredible. You're gonna love him. He's blind. Put your hands together for Chris Celio, everybody. Here we go.

[Chris Celio]

Shit, is she even hot? I fucking can't wait for robot eyes. God damn it. I miss tits so much. Elon Musk keeps telling me he's going to put a computer chip in my brain that'll let me see again. It's fucking crazy. He calls it Neuralink. But he says the first version of it is gonna look like old school Atari video game graphics. That's not an upgrade. I finally get to see tits in their squares. I get to go to a strip club and it looks like Super Mario World in there, man. I don't want Pong pussy. You know, I'll wait for Tomb Raider titties at least. Dude, people are so mad at Elon that they were breaking and vandalizing Teslas. That's so fucked up. Because the coolest part about a Tesla is that one day I'll be able to buy one and drive it home. It'll be the happiest day of my life. Somebody will immediately spray paint Nazi piece of shit on it. That's fucked up. I'm not even gonna know. I'm just Gonna drive around for two weeks like the happiest Nazi in the

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

world, like this,

[Chris Celio]

this smiling skinhead piece

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

of shit

[Chris Celio]

blaring Kanye west out my speakers like I didn't even know there was a problem, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck yes. A true golden ticket winner. Chris Celio has done it again. Another brand new minute. Amazing stuff, Chris. I notice an amazing, amazing quality of yours is you always have a great opening line that feels organic, and then you ride your own wave of momentum that you build. Is she even hot? With Heidi? I hope this is real, is what you said. Your first appearance on the show, and immediately I fell in love with you because obviously you could be anywhere and it could be. It could be a bunch of people pranking you and it's just so darn funny. For a guy that's blind, you hit it right on the nose every time. It is incredible, Chris, how's life going?

[Chris Celio]

It's going good, man. Just did mushrooms at south by Southwest and listen to bands.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. What were the visuals like?

[Chris Celio]

God, I wish. Dude, give me one color. I would love anything right now, dude. It's as black as deed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Incredible. Amazing, Amazing. So what was the band? What, you took mushrooms and you saw or heard what?

[Chris Celio]

We just. Yeah, I do say I saw a thing all the time. Yeah, no, I. We just popped around random spots. Like, I didn't even know. I was just like, this is the best band I've ever seen, dude. Yeah, don't know their name at all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Amazing. That was at a festival, would you say?

[Chris Celio]

South by Southwest? Just like random bars around town.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was cool, Very cool, very cool.

[Chris Celio]

A lady. A lady just was dancing with me and just was like, here, I'll put you in a better spot. And then just put me right next to a speaker and almost killed me. I was like, holy shit, you're gonna ruin my life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Chris Celio]

I can't handle that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Chris, tell us more about what it's like being blind in this crazy world that we're living in. Or anything at all. I mean, it doesn't have to be about being blind, but.

[Chris Celio]

No, no, it's good. It's like, it's a lot of fun. I was dancing with this girl at this last festival that I didn't even know was there. And then she started trying to take off my sunglasses.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, shit.

[Chris Celio]

And I was like, no, no, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right?

[Chris Celio]

You don't want to see those on the drugs you're on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah,

[Chris Celio]

These are bad. Bye. Byes, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Chris, how do you know when you're

[Chris Celio]

done wiping God damn it, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God damn. Redback. Our senior wiping correspondent, Brian Redband asking the tough questions here today.

[Chris Celio]

Give me a bidet sponsorship.

[Jeffrey Ross]

All right,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

it is a tough question,

[Chris Celio]

but are me and D Madness going to do a ladders match at WrestleMania?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That would be absolutely incredible. That would be incredible. Chris, have you. Do you ever go on dates or anything like that?

[Chris Celio]

No, I don't. Like, it's hard. It's hard meeting girls. Like, the apps are just like, picture, picture, picture. Yeah, it'll like, read me their bios. Girls bios suck. It's like Puerto Rican flag, Mexican flag. It's like they're listing their dog breed, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Chris Celio]

Only when I, like, bump into girls in the world, I'm like, oh, it was amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And remind us, how long have you been blind?

[Chris Celio]

It's been like 10 years now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. And you had, like, you had, like, easily detachable retinas.

[Chris Celio]

Super easily detachable retinas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And it kind of happened before and then it went all the way off.

[Chris Celio]

Yeah, yeah. I had like, one eye that, like, they had to remove because I just had like four retinal detachments and like a ton of like, super painful surgeries.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But you did see for a while.

[Chris Celio]

18. Till I was 18.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. So even when you take drugs now, like you did at the festival, say, you really don't see anything?

[Chris Celio]

Yeah, I don't get any visuals. I think my imagination is shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's now dumber. What?

[Jeffrey Ross]

What the.

[Chris Celio]

What the fuck was that? Dude?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know what that was. That was not redbay. That wasn't redbay. That was a J. John D's keys over there. So, okay, so there's no visuals, but you do have just. You only have your memory before 18.

[Chris Celio]

Yeah, yeah. Like, I can still see in my dreams, you know, like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah, that's interesting.

[Chris Celio]

Yeah, but it's all I saw before I went blind.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right?

[Chris Celio]

So it's like every night my dreams are the world's shittiest 90s sitcom. Like Blind Meets World or like Fresh Prince of Blindness. That one's weird.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you.

[Chris Celio]

I'm black.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you take us through? Can you, for example, just like, take us through. Like, the most recent dream doesn't have to necessarily be funny, but then it's a 90s sitcom. What. What is like, the most recent dream that you remember?

[Chris Celio]

I'll have, like, stand up dreams about, like, you know, doing comedy. And every time it'll just be like, me doing comedy. And then I think back when I wake up and I'm like, that was my lunchroom.

[Davey Wester]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You hear that? It really is a 90s sitcom. Didn't work as good as I thought it would.

[Chris Celio]

Yeah, I'll just be, like, running away from, like, monsters, and it's just, like a hallway that I knew from fucking ten years ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn. That's incredible, Chris. All right, well, anything else crazy we should know about before we let you go, Chris?

[Chris Celio]

No. Thank you guys so much. You guys rule. Dude, thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on, Chris. Stelio, you are the fucking man.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Chris.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, check her out. Hold on. On.

[Chris Celio]

Yeah, sorry, Jeff Ross is here.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Hold on.

[Chris Celio]

Dude, I didn't even get to talk to Jeff Ross.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, let's talk with Jeff Ross.

[Chris Celio]

Was he hiding from me? Why is he hiding from me? Jeff Ross, you look like

[Jeffrey Ross]

the one guy who came roast me. I love this.

[Chris Celio]

No, dude, you. You sound like a Sesame street semi.

[Jeffrey Ross]

I think I get it.

[Chris Celio]

I. Yeah.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Chris, what's your last name?

[Chris Celio]

Sileo.

[Jeffrey Ross]

I'm gonna remember you. How long have you been doing stand up?

[Chris Celio]

Like, 10 years.

[Jeffrey Ross]

So about the time this happened to you, you decided I need to channel it into something artistic?

[Chris Celio]

Yeah. Yeah. I was, like, figuring out what I want to do. Like, I was like, first semester of college and when I went blind, so obviously I dropped out of that. And then I was like, what can I do? And I was just listening to all you guys on podcasts, and I was like, I had always wanted to be a standup, and I was like, this seems like, like something I could do with minimal effort, you know, like, just me and a microphone seems like. Right. A perfect amount of work for me, you know?

[Jeffrey Ross]

Yeah. But you came out. Your minute was, like, killer. That wasn't the first time you did that minute. It was the first time you did it here. You've been working.

[Chris Celio]

Yeah, I worked.

[Jeffrey Ross]

I can feel that. And I think you're a really good joke writer.

[Chris Celio]

Thank you so much.

[Jeffrey Ross]

And I was wondering what color your shirt is.

[Chris Celio]

God damn it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dude.

[Chris Celio]

What? A Tesla will always fail.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are awesome.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Give it up for Chris.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Chris Celia. Ladies and gentlemen, a true golden ticket winner has done it again. Absolutely incredible. Where is Daredevil? I'm right here. Don't miss the return of Marvel Television's Daredevil Born again. So what's next?

[Davey Wester]

I feel liberated.

[Jeffrey Ross]

We're going to take this city back. Although in an all new season now

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

streaming only on Disney plus. They're hunting us. It's time we started hunting them.

[Michael Hines]

I can work with them.

[Victoria Lang]

This should be tons of fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Marvel Television's Daredevil Born again. Now streaming only on Disney+K.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

Pop demon hunters, Haja Boy's Breakfast Meal and Hunt Tricks Meal have just dropped at McDonald's. They're calling this a battle for the fans. What do you say to that? Is that Rumi?

[Katie Carter]

It's not a battle.

[Victoria Lang]

So glad the Saja Boys could take breakfast and give our meal the rest of the day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is an honor to share. No, it's our honor. It is our larger honor. No, really, stop. You can really feel the respect in this battle.

[Vanessa Scaduto]

Pick a meal to pick a side

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

and participate in McDonald's while supplies last. You guys having fun out there? If anybody wants the dried paintbrushes autographed, he's going to the restroom right now. The lucky hallway has a chance. All right, your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Michael Scott, everybody. We're gonna keep it moving with the stylings of Michael Scott. Here he is.

[Michael Scott]

I got a Roomba recently.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's black.

[Michael Scott]

He cleans my house.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a sweet deal.

[Dedrick Flynn]

What is?

[Michael Scott]

The black base model for every object that's supposed to improve our lives. Why is it always black? I gave mine a pair of white gloves and a bow tie. I push clean on him and he goes up and down the hose.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Mm hmm.

[Michael Scott]

Mess will keep my batteries charged. The other day I hit clean on Toby. Oh, oh, his name is Toby? I couldn't name him Kunta. My mom comes over, I'm like, watch your feet. Kunta's trying to get by. So the other day I hit clean on Toby. He goes towards the end of the hall and he's cleaning and he starts beeping and goes back to recharge his batteries. And I nearly spilt my sweet tea. I get up and I go, the hell you will.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nobody said you could take a break.

[Michael Scott]

So I got up and I watched him clean my house until he died. And when he died, I bought a new one at an auction for 3/5 the price of one of those black ones.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Michael, stop pushing it to the limit of time with an incredibly racist set that only you could do. Only me. Amazing. You could can get away with it. Yeah, Incredible. Remind us all, Michael, how long you been on stand up?

[Michael Scott]

Nine years, four months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nine years and four months. Amazing. And most of that here in Austin? No.

[Michael Scott]

Bakersfield, California? A little bit in Fresno. I moved here December 30th of 23.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, awesome. What do you do for a day job?

[Michael Scott]

I got fired from one, but I still have a valet job job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're working ballet too? This is the official show of valet drivers.

[Michael Scott]

I've gotten a lot of comics hired, like, quite a few.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Michael Scott]

You called Aaron McFerson earlier. He didn't get up here in time. I got him a job there. But I noticed you called a different Aaron right after, and I thought that was funny. You called a white Aaron?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I pulled names out of him.

[Davey Wester]

Yeah.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it was like.

[Michael Scott]

Yeah, I know it wasn't you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I don't know what happened to him. I didn't actually call him. I hand off the piece of paper, and if they're not, like, where they're supposed to be or whatever, then I have to pull another name. I know it's not. It's not like, rocket science or anything crazy. I know there's a lot of. There's a lot of conspiracies about this bucket, but it's fair. Pieces of paper. Oh, there's D Madness, everybody. Peekaboo. Your Roomba just came back. So, Michael Scott, tell us more about your life. What else is going on? Your Roomba plays a hell of a base. I got to tell. It is absolutely incredible.

[Michael Scott]

Did somebody tell him I was black backstage? And then he came. Oh, I got to make it back for this one. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know what's going on in life, Michael.

[Michael Scott]

In life?

[Eric Biggs]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have a girlfriend?

[Michael Scott]

No, no, I'm.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When's the last time you went on a date?

[Michael Scott]

Let's say three months maybe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What happened there?

[Michael Scott]

Not great. Just. I mean, it was all right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You met her online or something like that. On a.

[Aaron Spaller]

Dating.

[Michael Scott]

At a show. Met her, hung out, got messed up,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

and you had drinks.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then what? You went back to your place?

[Eric McLaughlin]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then what happened?

[Jeffrey Ross]

The fucked her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. What a romantic. What a romantic, man. Straight to insertion.

[Aaron Spaller]

Yes.

[Michael Scott]

I was already unbuckling as we were driving now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Amazing. And then you never talked to her again after that?

[Dedrick Flynn]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why is that exactly?

[Michael Scott]

I don't know. It's just. Wasn't feeling it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This a white girl?

[Jeffrey Ross]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Michael Scott]

What gave it away?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It could have been anything. I don't know. I wouldn't. I. I wouldn't be surprised about anything. I think you would. Whoever would want to you. Am I correct?

[Michael Scott]

I think he's right.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing stuff. And you met her at just a regular open mic, Shakespeare. And she came up to you afterwards and was like, what's up? Yeah, okay.

[Michael Scott]

Yeah, yeah. I've been kind of. I don't know. I. I've been doing comedy, and then people come up to me and Tell me. Talk to me afterwards. Just lately, I'd usually talk to nobody. I just do my thing and leave. Now I'm trying to hang out and make friends.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you got drunk with this girl at Shakespeare's.

[Michael Scott]

I was drunk before, but okay. At Shakespeare's and other places, I walked around.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Very cool. All right. Michael, what kind of car do you drive?

[Michael Scott]

2019 Chevy Equinox.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice. What's the weirdest thing you have in your refrigerator?

[Michael Scott]

A salmon girl he fucked three months.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Wow.

[Michael Scott]

Yeah, she's thawing out right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Michael, let me ask you a question that I asked another valet driver earlier. What's the weirdest thing that you've seen inside of a car that you were valeting at the time?

[Michael Scott]

Guns? Condoms.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not in the same car, that's for sure.

[Michael Scott]

Different.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Different. Nobody. Nobody with guns is using condoms. No way, Jose. That'd be absolutely contradictory to life itself.

[Michael Scott]

One person parked their car overnight and they had a German shepherd that they left in the car in a crate in the bed, strapped down. He'd come out maybe every four hours and check on it. But it stayed. Yeah, and it was the winter, too. I was very upset about that.

[Chris Celio]

Was it like a Tesla that had

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

dog mode on or anything like that?

[Michael Scott]

No, it was like a Dodge Ram truck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was a German. German shepherd. Perhaps it was a Jew trying to get revenge for the Holocaust because it was a German shepherd being kept in a crate inside of a car in a torturous situation. Perhaps it was revenge for the Holocaust. Not. Still not getting the laugh I think it deserves. Can't really plan to do a joke like that. It has to just be served up in the air. You only have one chance at it. I guess that was my chance. And it's yet still not really connecting the way that I was hoping it was because it was because the Jews were held captive by the Germans in very tight quarters. Very tough situation. You said it was during the winter time. Yeah, yeah. Really doesn't get much more spot on than that. Thank you. There it is. There it is, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. We only get to laugh at good Holocaust jokes while Jeff's going pee. So that was. That was our one chance. I'm kidding. Michael Scott. Fun times. Yeah. You know, tremendously racist set. That's why you're leaving here with a big joke. Michael, I'd love to have you on the secret show, brother.

[Chris Celio]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, Tony. There he goes. Michael Scott. We're having a good old time here tonight. There he Is. I knew it. I.

[Jeffrey Ross]

We.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're right on time. I didn't want you to miss this guy. Ladies and gentlemen, your next set, your next bucket pool. Goes by the name of Eric Bigs, everybody. We're going to watch them all.

[Eric Biggs]

What's going on, Austin? I think too many people in this town, especially men, go to counseling. I don't like it. I'm Midwestern. I'm very Midwestern. I'm so Midwestern. I don't believe in counseling. I believe in binge drinking. All right? You shouldn't be talking to strangers. You should be having a problem in a garage with your friends. So because I love scamming white people, I'm always down for that. I do think I'm gonna start the Midwestern counseling service. That's how I'm gonna go and reinvent counseling. What it's gonna be is you're gonna come over to my garage, hang out with me, drink my beer, work on my car. It's a Pontiac. You can't be sad working on a Pontiac. That's illegal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, guys?

[Eric Biggs]

That's what freedom is all about. And then we're just gonna talk and get drunk all night long, have a good time. And maybe as the night goes, you'll start to open up and tell me about the woes of your life. Then you'll look me in the eyes and be like, yeah, it got hard when dad died. I'll look you dead in the eyes. I'll turn up the radio and say, shut up, pussy. We'll move on. All right, I've been Eric Biggs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Is it okay if I go to the bathroom again?

[Eric Biggs]

That's fair.

[Michael Hines]

That's fair.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Eric Biggs. I see why. I see why Jay didn't let you talk in all those movies. Yeah, yeah.

[Eric Biggs]

I kept trying. He said no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Eric, how long have you been attempting stand up comedy?

[Eric Biggs]

Six years of attempting, Tony. It's been.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn. Six years. What happened here? That's just a new minute. A tough minute.

[Eric Biggs]

Yeah, I don't know, it's been. It's been kind of working. I've been trying it around, but it did not work. It did not work.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Six years. Where at?

[Eric Biggs]

Mostly Missouri. I started off in Columbia, Missouri.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then. Where else have you been?

[Eric Biggs]

Been here ever since then. Been down here about three years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three years. Okay, here's what I'm gonna do. Because, Eric, I'm telling you, I see it in you, dude. Look at you. You're built like a snowman.

[Michael Hines]

I am.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are.

[Chris Celio]

Just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have a Beautiful round head. You have a round body.

[Jeffrey Ross]

It's built like a snow globe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think for.

[Eric Biggs]

I'd never have a carrot in my mouth.

[Michael Hines]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think you could. They don't have it in that. That's their nose. That's their nose there. That's.

[Jeffrey Ross]

I love your, like, super confidence with no talent at all. It's, like, amazing.

[Eric Biggs]

That's what the Midwest is.

[Jeffrey Ross]

I love it.

[Eric Biggs]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for a living, Eric?

[Eric Biggs]

I'm an insurance salesman. It's the only thing that can be worse than sucking a comedy, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Eric Biggs]

You do this, you do that all day and you go, you know what? I can eat on stage in front of people that can't be anywhere.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I just think that Pontiac thing for some reason. Did you, did you, did you write that in Missouri?

[Eric Biggs]

No, I wrote that down here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Eric Biggs]

Sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm really.

[Eric Biggs]

He gave me an out. He said, take it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm gonna. I'm still, I still. And I might be wrong, but, Eric, I, I. There's something behind those eyes. I think you can do better than that. I'm going to give you one more minute. Do a totally different minute. You got it right. You've been doing this six years. You must have a second minute. Whatever you think your best minute is, because I'm positive this is the only time that you've been in front of millions of viewers right now. No, it's, it's better than where this was going.

[Eric Biggs]

Yeah, that's fair. That's fair.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Topics.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What. What are some of your bits?

[Jeffrey Ross]

And we'll tell you what are your.

[Eric Biggs]

I got some stuff about marriage.

[Michael Hines]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you been married?

[Eric Biggs]

Yes, sir. I'm married right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what? Just run. Just get right into it. Ladies and gentlemen, one more time. Reese, we're gonna start the talk. One minute from Eric Biggs, everybody.

[Eric Biggs]

Yeah, I, I just celebrated my one year wedding anniversary. Yes, it's. It's very nice. It's nice knowing you and still trick white women into making bad decisions. Like, my wife looked me dead in the eyes and said, our lower credit score sounds great. Who doesn't want to live in a house that has wheels on it? That sounds fun. You know, the worst part about it is, is I got married young. So you get a lot of bad advice whenever you get married young. Like, have you ever just been about to blackout at a bar? You just have some old guy sitting next to you and he goes, don't do it. Don't get fucking married. She'll Fucking take everything. You just gotta look at him and go, I live in a trailer. I have nothing. Nothing can be taken. You can't split shit in half.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, perfect. It was better. That was better than your first minute. Makes me wonder if I gave you another minute, if that would be better than that minute. So you live in a trailer?

[Eric Biggs]

No, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you in Missouri?

[Eric Biggs]

No, no. My parents were way too successful for my life to have turned out this way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Incredible. What do your parents do for work it.

[Eric Biggs]

And a school teacher. Middle school.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Amazing. And what do they think about you attempting stand up comedy?

[Eric Biggs]

Oh, they wish I made different decisions.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did they like that you're an insurance salesman?

[Eric Biggs]

Yeah, yeah. My mom every time goes, it's okay, you can back out. None of them know you do this. It's okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. All right. And so what else about you, Eric? What would we find interesting about your entire life? Because you're not really white trash, but you're from Missouri. You're kind of like a. Kind of like a. You were. You have an American Pie kind of family.

[Eric Biggs]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But yet you kind of dress like jelly roll.

[Eric Biggs]

Well, yeah. Yeah. This is what happens whenever you go to a bass pro and go, yeah, that looks classy, you know?

[Katie Carter]

Know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Eric Biggs]

A 35T shirt will look cool on stage, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You know, you could buy a pair of overalls at the same price. Well, I didn't know that until tonight.

[Jeffrey Ross]

What was it? Jay and Silent Blob?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah. So what else about your life? You ever have anything crazy happen? You good at any. You have any other special skills or talents? You seem like the kind of guy that like wins at like a vape competition or something.

[Eric Biggs]

Oh, no, no. I smoke cigarettes like an adult. I'd never vape. What am I, a coward? Pussy? No. I don't know. I think I got into comedy. Cause usually everyone comes from a broken home. Or your dad beat the shit out of you or whatever. I didn't have that. I had a very normal family. I even had my brother. Very cool, very supportive. I think that he saw I wanted to be a comedian, so he decided, I'm gonna give this kid some trauma. So he died in a drunk driving accident to just really get me going down the road.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Party. All love a dead brother. Drunk driving story.

[Jeffrey Ross]

A lot of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A lot of tales of drunken driving here tonight. A reminder, we do not endorse that in the kil Tony universe. Do not drink and drive. Absolutely. All right.

[Jeffrey Ross]

You eat and drive.

[Eric Biggs]

Yeah.

[Michael Hines]

Okay.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Seems it would be equally as dangerous.

[Eric Biggs]

Yeah, it's a problem that black out a couple times.

[Aaron Spaller]

Hell yeah.

[Eric Biggs]

See the Pete's Harry lights and you're

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

like, I gotta go. All right.

[Eric Biggs]

I'm on my way home.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Eric, we're gonna keep it moving. Fun times. Sign up again. Keep writing, prove your parents wrong, and maybe take your time a little bit more. Don't try to squeeze it all in. Take your time so that people understand you and stuff. You speak perfect English, but you. You talk a little fast and words get together and then. You know what I mean? Like, take it a little bit.

[Jeffrey Ross]

You're right. You're absolutely right. That's good advice. And also, I like that he reset and did a whole another minute.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you did it good. Y. Eric Biggs.

[Katie Carter]

All right, you're here. But are you here here? You go to Hawaii in your head all the time during meetings in the car.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hawaii is on the mind.

[Katie Carter]

But when you're ready to go, there's Expedia, the one place you go to go places. Flights, hotels, vacation homes, cars. You can save when you bundle or book as you go and still save.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what are you waiting for?

[Katie Carter]

Expedia, the one place you go to go places. Members only.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Savings vary. With Sam's Club, you have the freedom to shop your own way. Curbside pickup delivered to your doorstep. Come in and grab it yourself. Yes, yes, yes. They've got plenty of options. Your call. Say yes to shopping the way you want. Join [e-mail] yes, and you must be 18 years or older to purchase a membership, and membership is subject to qualifications. Visit samsclub.com yes, and for details. Oh, my goodness. This is one of those special moments where someone very talented signed up for the show. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy. I. I mean, I. I grew up in comedy with him. We were door guys together at the Comedy Store. He's been a paid regular at the Comedy Store longer than I have. Ladies and gentlemen, it's a very cerebral palsy episode of Kill. Tony. We already had Martin Phillips, but this is the OG from the Comedy Store, now lives in Austin, one of the funniest people out there. Make some noise for Davey Wester, everybody. Davey Wester. Make some noise for my pal, dude.

[Michael Hines]

Yeah.

[Davey Wester]

You guys have had rednecks and cerebral palsy people. You've never had it blended together. You fucking cocksuckers. Some of you assholes are gonna ask me how to spell it, but I don't know shit about cerebral palsy, so I'll just make up shit. They'll Be like, what is cerebral palsy? I'll tell you. It's superpowers and large tallywacker cocksucker. That's people. You know, like when people ask me how to spell it? Cause everybody's inquisitive as fuck. Does it look like I ever want a fucking spelling bee ever in my lifetime? I went to alternative high school. We had lawn mowing as a course. Fucking dickhead. Because they knew I was gonna fucking go to court sometime in my life. I don't know, man. Like, some of you have jobs that you dream about hitting a telephone pole as you go to work. You're like, man, I got six days of pto, and I could just take this fucking light pole right now if I have to talk to Al one more time about his mental health.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Him. Keep going, Davey. Just keep going for a bit. Keep going.

[Davey Wester]

Yeah, I'm gonna keep going.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just keep going.

[Davey Wester]

You know how you know it's a shitty job when they tell you it's, like, your family? I avoid my family. My uncle is king tweaker that steals kid bikes on Tuesday. All right. If you ever talk to my uncle with a Batman rv and you be like, hey, Dave, why don't you get your life together? He'll tell you he's fighting capitalism. And I think Batman lost that cause he's fucking homeless. That's just. You want me to do some more time or. Yeah. I don't know, man. Like. And where I grew up, people didn't really know I had cerebral palsy because I'm from a town where people watch parallel parking.

[Michael Hines]

And.

[Davey Wester]

Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

that's.

[Davey Wester]

I mean, one of my best friends didn't know I had cerebral palsy till she came to a comedy show. She goes, amy, I didn't know you had cerebral palsy. I was like, shannon, what do you think I had? She goes, I thought you just didn't tie your shoes tight enough. That's.

[Jeffrey Ross]

David. You killed tonight, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You killed today. Oh, my God.

[Davey Wester]

What's up, boys?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Jeffrey Ross]

See you, my man. Good to see you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is what I love about this show, is that sometimes you pull out someone that's real white trash.

[Davey Wester]

Like, the fucking assholes went to Bass Pro. I heard that little fucking. I wanted to fight him, Tony. Don't take my 77 Fleetwood away from me, you son of a bitch.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Like, I feel like cerebral palsy is, like, number one, number eight on the list of shit that's fucked up about you. Like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's not even a bit, right?

[Davey Wester]

Yeah, there's A lot of up shit about me right now. That's why I'm on probation right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are? Yeah.

[Davey Wester]

Well, so I decided to get. I was up in Minnesota and I like, I went to go sit in my car cause I little drunk and then I had nine cops arrest me. And like, when you're getting arrested, Jeff, don't have the fuck it button in your head. Because I had a pocket full of mushrooms in my pocket and I decided I was gonna eat them right in front of the fucking cop. If I'm going to detox, I'm going in there high. That's.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Might as well enjoy it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. This is a master class with Davey Wester. Look, Davey, you have your buttons mismatched. Oh, yeah. That is incredible.

[Davey Wester]

You go fuck your AI robot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is the Western Midnight. She's Korean, you racist.

[Davey Wester]

Can you get me two golden tickets? Cause Ari, Matty, if I get that, he'll take me to the wellness clinic and fucking help me out. Like, I won't have cerebral pals anymore. I'd just be a downsy son bitch. Or

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't think there's enough. Enough stem cells in the world to balance you out, baby.

[Davey Wester]

No, I get you. I get you. I like seeing blind people. I don't trust you.

[Jeffrey Ross]

But.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Davey, you are on fire. What I love. I mean, I love Davey Wester. I mean, this guy was one of the door guys at the Comedy Store when I got was.

[Davey Wester]

They had. Had crippled people, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, exactly. It's a testament to the times. This comedy store in 2007 was a dark, dark place with a lot of very pessimistic, negative people. And you were roommates with a lot of them. And you.

[Davey Wester]

Oh, please don't like. Yeah. Oh, you want to talk about cokehead? Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, I mean, the. The. The crew was absolutely insane that you literally lived with. And meanwhile, you were always funny somehow. You were almost always positive and optimistic in a very, very dark time. And it meant the world to me. And the guys that I started with that were in our extremely early 20s, starting out there, we always looked up to, believe it or not, we looked up to Davey.

[Davey Wester]

That's a sad state of affairs when I'm a hero.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But here in Austin, you're absolutely thriving. You got out of LA and you've like kind of become a rock star here in Austin. People are able to find you and see you and you're selling tickets and stuff. Tell us more about your life here in Texas.

[Davey Wester]

Well, me and Holtzman went to a rodeo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Can you imagine if, even if there weren't bulls there, I would go to the rodeo just. Just to see what you and Holtzman were doing together. Well, it started off, what could go wrong? That's like O.J. and Cosby sharing a cell together.

[Davey Wester]

Yeah, well, he went to the wrong place. He thought my apartment was this abortion clinic, because that's what. And then he. I don't know. It was just crazy. Holtzman bought a bunch of shit, yelled at me a bunch. He told me. He yelled at me for not having a handicap placard that I carry around.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He thought he was going to good parking. Yeah, that's why he brought you. Oh, my God.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Bring it.

[Davey Wester]

Everywhere we went, he goes, I have a handicap. I have a handicap.

[Chris Celio]

My God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. I almost fainted just then. Oh, God. I really picked. You're not. Tell these people. It's just so that you know why I'm laughing so hard. Tell them you're not kidding. I know you're not kidding.

[Davey Wester]

No, there's. All these stories are true, so you can. You can look it up, go to Ephra, Washington, and you'll be like, oh, this is the. What they look like. Just so you understand, Drew Mickens is from my area, too, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, that is true. Anytime I see somebody and I've blown a few people's minds like this, I'll be like, where are you from from? They're like, the state of Washington. And if I notice if their eyes are ever not aligned, like, if they have one eye here and one eye there, I'll be like, you're from near Euphrate. And they're like, how do you know that? It always blows their minds, but they just have to keep an eye on offset eyes from Washington.

[Davey Wester]

Yeah. You just have to, like. You have to understand there's a nuclear plant. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. I love it, Davey. I mean, you are just one of my favorite types of stories because, you know, you're not an actor, you're not a writer, you're not a this. You're not a sketch. You're not. You're not trying all these things. You're a pure standup comedian, the kind of guy that I just love to drink with and hang out with and whatever. You know what I mean? It's.

[Davey Wester]

Eat mushrooms.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, maybe I don't think I could eat mushrooms with you, Davey. I kind of. I'm very. I'm high. Highly. I'm highly sensitive already. The buttons thing alone would me up the entire time. First thing I would do is I'd Be like, davey, get over here. Let me fix this for you.

[Chris Celio]

Take off his clothes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I got. I got a pair of overalls. It was very cheap.

[Davey Wester]

No, I. I tried the overall thing. That didn't really work out for me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What happened? Well, yeah, when you don't button those correctly, everything thing comes out.

[Davey Wester]

Yeah. And I'm fine with that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Davey, if you're in town, I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday. You are the man, Davey Wester. And now the world knows about it. So cool that you signed up for this show. Amazing. What an honor that you signed up for my crazy show. One more time for Davey Wester, everybody. It's been doing comedy, like, at least 20 years. One of the first people I ever met in la. He's the man. He's the man. The original. The original cerebral palsy, super powerful comedian cleanser Heidi's. Yeah, the. The sage of the room to get your penises out from inside of you. After staring at Davey Wester for 10 minutes, here's the lovely Heidi here to reset your testosterone levels. Everybody go to heidy regina.com. it's all good. Oh, you got it. Okay, there's a 50. 50 shot at it. How about one more time for the lovely Heidi, everybody? All right, back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pole goes by the name of Victoria Lang. Victoria Lang, our third female of the night.

[Victoria Lang]

So I. I'm a pole dancer, and when I say that, a lot of people think that means stripper, and I'm not. But if I was, I would have a really cool name like Miss Honey Bun. It's because I'm sweet, I'm dense, and after a couple bites, I really taste like nickels. It's like a cup holder. A loose change. Yeah. I have a boyfriend and he's a little bit of a freak, so he likes it. He's into this thing. It's called sounding. It's when you shove something in your dick. Yeah. At first I was like, ugh, too.

[Jeffrey Ross]

I was like.

[Victoria Lang]

But he makes this really cool noise. He goes like this.

[Katie Carter]

Eh.

[Victoria Lang]

It's like a little kid in the fan in the summertime. You know how they go, eh? In the fucking fan. It's so beautiful. I've been calling him Urethra Franklin. And our relationship's been great. Our relationship's been great ever since.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. All right, 55 seconds from Victoria Lang. Welcome to the show, Victoria.

[Victoria Lang]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's your first time on correct. How long you been on stand up?

[Vanessa Scaduto]

Three years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three Years. All of it here in Austin, Texas.

[Victoria Lang]

No, I'm from Connecticut slash New York. I do a lot of comedy over there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, what part of Connecticut exactly?

[Victoria Lang]

Like Hartford County.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yeah, yeah. There's a fun fact about Connecticut. While it is literally a freeway, the state is a freeway. There's a very, very, very, extremely fancy part, Greenwich. And around there, where, of course, like, you know, the McMahons live and the WWE started. And then there's where you're from, right?

[Victoria Lang]

Yeah. Not over there.

[Eric Biggs]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us what it's like growing up in the hood of Connecticut.

[Victoria Lang]

It's like. It's the shit. It's got a lot of stuff going on over there. I mean, it's. I would say we have the best comedy, I think, in that part of Connecticut.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, there are a lot more in Connect. You have the best part of. You have the best comedy in Connecticut

[Victoria Lang]

in that part, you know, because they're all kind of pieces of like me. Yeah. So they get me more.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Wouldn't you call yourself a piece of shit? What do you mean? What are some piece. What are some shitty things about Victoria Lang? Give us the dirt. Some shitty things about me, other than your nickel pussy.

[Victoria Lang]

I would say that one's pretty standout. That one's pretty standout. I. I'm kind of like. I'm a little bit of a hater self, admittedly, and I say a lot of things, and I regret it immediately. I go, I regret that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you. Are you talking about, like, online or just like.

[Victoria Lang]

No, in person, I'll be like, ah, that person's a. And then I go, oh, why'd I say that type of thing?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Yeah. Has that ever backfired on you? Is it.

[Victoria Lang]

Yeah, everybody hates me. I'm like, Connecticut's most hated, so that's what happens.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Incredible. But your boyfriend likes you.

[Victoria Lang]

He loves me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you been with him?

[Victoria Lang]

I've been with him for two years, and he's a comedian as well, so he gets it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys live here now?

[Victoria Lang]

No, we're just visiting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Did he sign up as well? Yes. Okay, we'll talk about that in a second. You're a pole dancer. How long have you been pole dancing for?

[Victoria Lang]

I've been pole dancing. You know, I'm about as good as pole dancing as I am at comedy, to put it that way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. So you fall a lot.

[Victoria Lang]

Yeah, I'm falling, yeah. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But you make it to the top of the pole in the bottom. The bottom of the pole.

[Victoria Lang]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Because you're Bipolar.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Do you ever straddle the microphone stand?

[Victoria Lang]

I have. Usually I'm a lot more active. I do kind of something like that, but I think I got. Tony made me nervous.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it's okay. It's all right. Don't be nervous around me.

[Michael Hines]

What.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What could I possibly say about you that you haven't already thought about yourself? That's correct. Victoria, you have any special skills or talents or anything like that?

[Victoria Lang]

That. Yes, I make comedy music. That's. I would say, my forte.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. That's your specialty?

[Vanessa Scaduto]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you have a. You have like a song in your head that you've written that's original to you?

[Victoria Lang]

Yeah, I do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's it about?

[Victoria Lang]

So I have a couple. I have one about storming the capital.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's just do one.

[Victoria Lang]

Okay. Take it slow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have one about storming the capital?

[Victoria Lang]

Yeah. And I have another one that I really love about dating while living at your parents house.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Which one do you think's the funniest?

[Victoria Lang]

The one about dating, living at.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you know what chord progression that is?

[Michael Scott]

Is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that a dgac? Dgac?

[Victoria Lang]

It go. Goes like this. Something like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. I feel like if you.

[Victoria Lang]

If you play me kind of like a beat, like I can like follow it, type.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, they got you. Yeah. What's the beat that you like? Boom.

[Victoria Lang]

Do it like this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here she is, ladies and gentlemen, the Torch. Everybody.

[Martin Phillips]

Here we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

First, spotlight.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Kino.

[Victoria Lang]

Thank you. All right, here we go. I woke up today in the pink room in the pink room that I grew up in My mom takes out the trash like she always does I. I check my phone. I got a text. The text is from my mom, even though she just left it says at least one of us is getting some. Oh, my God. My mom saw the condom in the trash. But that's what happens when you're living at your mom's house. Pick it up. There is a feeling you can't hide when your mom seen your boyfriend sliding but there's really nothing I can do when our economy is in the tubes and maybe one day we'll live in a studio apartment but till then it'll be us and also my mom. Cause this is her house oh, you want me to go? I woke up today in the blue room in the blue room that I grew up in My mom wakes me up for work like she always does. I usually text when I have a girl over, but last night was different. I guess my mom walks in to see my dick getting sucked. Like me and my mom, we're close but not that much and now she's caught me with my balls out Chorus There is a feeling you can't hide when your mom senior dick's receding hairline but there's really nothing I can do unless I shoot a CEO or something too and maybe one day we'll live in a trailer park or something great. But until that day it'll be us and also our moms. Take it down for a second and let's not forget about my stepdad Sometimes when we're getting in submit not me and my stepdad I can hear him farting through the walls cuz I share it with my bathroom same wall Please don't look at the the stain. My 20 year old cat died my senior year of high school it's not that noticeable unless you look at it Gotta walk by really fast

[Katie Carter]

There are

[Victoria Lang]

some sounds you cannot hide Even when the TV volumes real high My whole family hears Young Sheldon and you that's how they all know I I'm getting screwed and yes I said young Sheldon I know that might be inappropriate but it gets me hard so fight me outside Bazinga. That's the end of my song.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Wow. My mind is is blown. Redman looking to see if she's gonna get booked at the secret show.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Victoria Lang. I gotta tell ya, I did not see that coming. That was actually like a good song. Not a comedy song. That was just a good song. Yeah, it was an actually good song.

[Victoria Lang]

Thank you. I wrote it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's amazing. And I love how you directed the band. I mean, this is that type of band that if you give them a thing, they are right there. They feel the energies and just roll with it. And you. I've never actually seen anyone conduct them perfectly. They followed every single one of your leads. It was incredible. You're so add you're talking about a lighter that's on the table right now. It's incredible. Absolutely amazing. Victoria, Comedy music is definitely your thing.

[Victoria Lang]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that's great. You have more stuff available online or something? Where can people find you at?

[Victoria Lang]

At Victoria does comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Only fans. Also very funny.

[Victoria Lang]

I used to have a Playboy account but they took me offline because I wasn't making enough money.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That happened. That happened. Happens, Victoria. When all you can do is sing, that happens. But you are very talented. You really got lost in it when you were sitting down. I was so impressed. When you're commanding the band, it's like a. It's like a real, real treat to see somebody Come in and start kind of shy and. Exactly. Jeff just said showmanship. I mean, you really came out. You know what I mean? And. And that was incredible. Congratulations, Victoria Lang. The set was okay, but after that amazing performance, you're leaving her with a big joke book. Here you go.

[Victoria Lang]

Thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. There you go. Sure.

[Victoria Lang]

Do I leave now?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Victoria Lang]

Or do I stay?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You, you're gone.

[Katie Carter]

Oh.

[Victoria Lang]

What the. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anything can happen here. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a show filled with magic. Sometimes, Ladies and gentlemen, let's make it your final bucket pull of the night. Goes by the name of Eric McLaughlin, everybody.

[Eric McLaughlin]

I was at the airport yesterday. I was thinking you could just point at anybody in here and yell, that guy has a bomb in his ass. And they kind of have to check that guy's ass, Right? They gotta put a finger in that guy. But then they're probably gonna put a finger in you after because you said that. Which could be fun. Like, if you're into that. That's like your thing. You can be like, yeah, he's got a bomb in his ass. Check me now. You know, I got here two hours early. Go ahead, fucking check my ass. You imagine you do that all the time and the guy actually has a bomb in his ass. And then TSA is like, holy shit, that guy was gonna blow up the plane. 200 lives saved because of you. You're a fucking hero. And you'd be sitting there like, I don't think he's gonna check my ass.

[Dedrick Flynn]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Upset from beginning to end, Eric McLaughlin.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Hello.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome, my friend. Very funny. How long you been on standup?

[Eric McLaughlin]

About a year and a half.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Incredible. Where at?

[Eric McLaughlin]

Here. I'm a. I'm a local. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Born and raised in Austin.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Well, no, I've been on the show before. I, I, I moved here when I was, like, 12.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, what?

[Eric McLaughlin]

I moved here when I was 12 years old.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, got it.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Yeah. Sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I thought you said you were on the show when you were 12.

[Eric McLaughlin]

No, no, not that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. Okay. Where were you at before you were 12? Just out of Canada.

[Eric McLaughlin]

I was in California.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Yeah. San Jose.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice. How old are you now?

[Eric McLaughlin]

I'm 32.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

32. Okay. What do you do for work?

[Eric McLaughlin]

Well, I sell mortgages. Kind of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Kind of.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Well, I mean, I'm not very good at it, so I've been doing, like, TikTok and Facebook and, like, content creation kind of lately.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But how's that going?

[Jeffrey Ross]

Good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that profitable?

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah, it's good.

[Eric McLaughlin]

I mean, you know. No, it's okay. Yeah, it's fun.

[Jonathan Jernigan]

It's good.

[Eric McLaughlin]

I enjoy it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cool. What else do you do, content creation wise?

[Eric McLaughlin]

I do movie reviews mostly. Right now it's kind of like a big thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice.

[Jonathan Jernigan]

Yeah.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Can I have a cigarette?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sure. Yeah, yeah, why not? I'm not gonna give you a lighter, but you can have a cigarette. No, I'm kidding. What's a movie you've seen lately that was good?

[Eric McLaughlin]

I watched Batman Begins last night. It's great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, that's a 19. What is that, 91, 93.

[Eric McLaughlin]

No, 2005. With

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

what? Batman Begins.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Christian Bale, Batman Begins 2005.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Maybe it's like a. Is that like a. I mean, I saw last night Berenstein Bears thing. Look it up for me. Just. I thought Batman Begins was the Tim Burton one, but maybe that's just Batman, huh? Batman Begins. Yeah, I guess so. Batman Begins. Oh, yeah, there it is. 2005. Okay, well, what'd you think about the 2005 classic Batman Begins? The unforgettable Batman Begins, often confused for Danny DeVito is the Penguin.

[Eric McLaughlin]

It's good. It's pretty good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What a review.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I saw one very recently called Heal. You want to see a crazy movie called Go see Heal? H E L on Amazon heel? Yeah.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Is that a new movie?

[Jeffrey Ross]

It is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is a new movie. It's about a guy who. Who gets. Who gets trashed. Really, really big party boy. And he gets taken hostage, put in somebody's basement. And I won't give anything else away, but it's a very interesting movie.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Interesting. That's cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Jonathan Jernigan]

Put it in a list.

[Eric McLaughlin]

I'll.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I recommend Flow. There's not one.

[Chris Celio]

One word in the whole entire movie.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Flow.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Yeah.

[Eric McLaughlin]

You like any of the Oscar picks? Marty Supreme.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now that's all absolute dog.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Oh, really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Beyond all dog. We. We're not. Yeah, we don't. We don't play that.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Yeah, we can move on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But I will give one more for those of you that can handle subtitles. I know that's not a lot of the Kill Tony fan base, but if you can check out a movie movie on Amazon called the Coffee Table. If you want your heart to beat out of your chest. Oh, there's one person that knows about it out there. One real freak out there.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. It's a crazy movie. Gotta watch that one.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Coffee Table.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, the Coffee Table.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Okay. Yeah, that's.

[Davey Wester]

Yeah.

[Eric McLaughlin]

On the list. Yeah.

[Jonathan Jernigan]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, absolutely. What. What is your favorite movie that you've seen that you've reviewed that blew your Mind a newer movie.

[Eric McLaughlin]

To be honest, like I. I feel like new movies kind of suck. I saw Castaway the other day. That was just amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable. Any day you're gonna make it to Pulp Fiction or Forrest Gump or Shawshank Redemption.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Yeah, those are good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus Christ.

[Jeffrey Ross]

What made you watch Castaway out of nowhere?

[Eric McLaughlin]

It was on Netflix.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Redband pointed out a good one. While we're in movie mode for the first time in our 13 year history because we did have this conversation, I avoided Demi Moore's the Substance cuz I thought it would automatically be a chick flick cuz it's just Demi Moore's face and all the promos. But if you want to really go for an insane ride. The substance.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Sexy, incredibly watchable. I have seen that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have seen that. Did you see the Substance, Jeff? You got to see this movie. It's nuts. Well, it's about, it's about the. I guess the overall principle of the movie is it's about like trying to preserve your beauty and the sacrifices that you make would make to do that could cost you the opposite effect on the back end. So a temporary look. Now for a. For instant gratification. Now for a nightmare situation. Perhaps later.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Great review.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Did you see Song Sung Blue? That was really good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uhuh. Is that a Japanese movie?

[Jeffrey Ross]

Oh, it was a Hugh Jackman and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And Song Song Blue, I believe is one of our golden in ticket winners.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Song Song Blue. It's about Neil diamond impersonators, but it's really good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh cool.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Yeah. And, and you know Kate Hudson.

[Chris Celio]

Hugh Jack Jackman.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Hugh Jackman. Very good movie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm just watching Eric smoke the first cigarette of his life over there.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Always like, like it's a really nice club. I didn't want to ash on your.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's an ashtray. There's. There's an ashtray right there. Oh yeah, there it is.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Holds it like he's French or something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I do a movie review.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perhaps you've seen La Mayonnaise starring Pepe le Peu?

[Eric McLaughlin]

That's pretty good.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Yeah, it's like he's like waiting for Conan o'. Brien.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know, Eric, what else have you done with your life? Tell us something else.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Oh, I tried to sell my shit last year. That was something interesting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did you sell?

[Eric McLaughlin]

Well, no, like shit, like actual poop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh wow.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Yeah, there's a website.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Bury the lead, why don't you?

[Eric McLaughlin]

Yeah, no, there's a website called the Human Biome Project and they pay like 180 grand a year to buy your poop. So I signed up to, like, donate or whatever. And it's like a real thing. They pay you money for your poop, and they put it, like, in a pill because it, like, helps with bacteria for other people. It's like, a whole thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you get. You got money for this?

[Eric McLaughlin]

No, I just. I applied, and I didn't get in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you have to send them your poop to apply?

[Eric McLaughlin]

So it's a weird process. Like, the first part is you do an IQ test, which I thought was weird.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Past that, thank God. I. And then the next part, you send him photos. That's where I failed because I had diarrhea on the last day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So.

[Chris Celio]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's like Crohn's disease or something like that.

[Eric McLaughlin]

No, I don't have that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no, it's for Crohn's disease.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Oh, yeah. Maybe I just wanted the money.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Amazing. Other than selling, what else have you done with your life, Eric?

[Jeffrey Ross]

Red band's, like, new merch idea.

[Chris Celio]

That's corny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Another poop joke, Red band. Our senior poop correspondent. Eric, tell us one more fun fact about your life.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Man, am I interesting. I'm Brazilian. That's a big one. I told you that last time. I'm a Brazilian guy, which is kind of interesting. I go there every year to see family, and it's just fun being white in Brazil and speaking port Portuguese.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You get to go to Brazil often?

[Eric McLaughlin]

I do, yeah. I go every year to see my family, and that's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you ever feel like you're going to be kidnapped or taken for money? That's a big, big deal over there.

[Eric McLaughlin]

It's not Mexico. It's like. It's, like, a little nicer. I mean, it's. But it's not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you in the. Are you in a specific, gated white part of Brazil? Brazil famous for kidnapping and trying to take hostage white people, though.

[Eric McLaughlin]

There are places like that in Brazil?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's called Brazil. That's the place in Brazil in which that's a thing.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're. What are you, the head of tourism over there or something?

[Eric McLaughlin]

Hey, I'm just, you know, trying to represent is all. But it is the second most dangerous country in the planet, right behind.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. There it is. It's not Mexico. You're right.

[Eric McLaughlin]

You're right.

[Michael Scott]

It is.

[Eric McLaughlin]

It is dangerous. But they do, like, they separate people, which is bad. But also, I mean, I'm in the nicer parts, which is good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. I had a feeling. Took a while to get there, but there it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what you're about. Talking. Talking about Tony Brazil is so nice.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Yeah, you're right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. What's your dating life like?

[Eric McLaughlin]

Not really dating. I mean, I. I go into the apps every now and then. I, you know, I kind of hit around and then see what's up, but I'm not really, like, actively getting out there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Last.

[Eric McLaughlin]

What about you?

[Dedrick Flynn]

Last.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. Thank you. Way to change the subject there. Last date you went on, what was that like?

[Eric McLaughlin]

It wasn't really a date. She just sort of came over, which was cool. That was fun. But that was around September. That was the last time she just hit me up. She was drunk. She was like, what are you doing? And she was like, you want to go out? And I'm like, no, I'm at home watching a movie. And she was like, well, wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Batman begins. Here's a medium sized joke book. It's all I have left left. There he goes. All right, Eric McLaughlin. Actually, switch that. They'll give you a big joke book on your way out. Give them a big one. Trade that medium for a big. All right. Since we were running a little ahead of time, ladies and gentlemen, I decided for one last bucket pull. Huh? Put your hands together for Jonathan Jarrigan. We'll make this one quick. No matter what happens, we got to keep it moving. John Johnathan Jarrigan is your final bucket pool of the night.

[Jonathan Jernigan]

What's going on? Anybody ever change your entire personality because of a TV show? I had to stop wearing my glasses because of that one show. Dahmer. Still eat people, but that's just for the flavor. But I'm actually not a comedian. I'm just here to announce my candidacy for mayor of the Friend Zone. I've been a pretty good city councilman. I feel like I'm ready for the push for the big office. First initiative is to tackle the homeless situation. I saw this homeless couple strung out on the side of the road, and I just felt horrible. I'm just like, this dude has a girlfriend. What the hell am I doing wrong? It's my fault, though. I don't have the most commanding personality. If I were like, in a biker gang, you'll be sons of Applebee's. Like, going out on a date with me is so cold. It's how it feels to chew five gum. But y' all been. We'll just end it there.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Thank you very much.

[Jonathan Jernigan]

I'm Jonathan Jernigan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There it is. Solid set from Jonathan Jernigan. Welcome. Welcome to the show, Jonathan.

[Jonathan Jernigan]

Who's Jernigan? Close enough.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's what?

[Jonathan Jernigan]

Jernigan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jernigan. Okay, everybody's. Your ends look like ours. Yeah. All right. There you go. Jonathan. Jernigan. So, Jonathan, what's up? Where are you from?

[Jonathan Jernigan]

Houston.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you been doing stand up?

[Jonathan Jernigan]

It'll be eight years in August.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, cool.

[Jeffrey Ross]

How long have you been named Jernigan?

[Jonathan Jernigan]

Oh, for a long. My whole life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah? What are the Jernigans like? What are your parents like? What's the family?

[Jonathan Jernigan]

Well, my dad was an ex hippie, and then my mom is unfortunately no longer with us.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What happened to Mom?

[Aaron Spaller]

Oh, she.

[Jonathan Jernigan]

She had cancer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[Jonathan Jernigan]

I kept pointing the TV remote at

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

her, but that'll do it. That'll do it. So when you say your dad's an ex hippie, what do you mean exactly?

[Jonathan Jernigan]

Well, like, he used to have, like, really long hair and play chess, but now he doesn't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What made him kind of snap out of it, you think?

[Jonathan Jernigan]

My mom dying.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, all right. Okay. So what is dad. How's dad keeping it together now? How long ago did mom die?

[Jonathan Jernigan]

I want to say, like eight years ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Has your dad moved on? Has he gotten a new lady yet?

[Jonathan Jernigan]

No, no, but we're trying to get him to move on, but, I mean, it's tough.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You have a lot of brothers and sisters?

[Jonathan Jernigan]

I have one brother.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Older, Younger?

[Jonathan Jernigan]

Younger.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. What does he do?

[Jonathan Jernigan]

He, like, does, like, financial analysis.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for work?

[Jonathan Jernigan]

I teach painting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You teach painting? You make a living doing that?

[Jonathan Jernigan]

Not really.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. How are you surviving?

[Jonathan Jernigan]

I live at home.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. With dad? Oh, yeah, with dad. Okay.

[Jonathan Jernigan]

It's less embarrassing now that my mom's dead.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, exactly. It makes it seem like you're there supporting him.

[Jonathan Jernigan]

Well, like, according to the TLC rules, I'm technically not a scrub anymore.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very good. Very good. It's important to follow the TLC rules. Don't be a scrub, and don't go chasing waterfalls. Brian Redback. So are you a pretty good artist? Like, what kind of paint do you are?

[Jonathan Jernigan]

It's acrylic. And I mostly teach, like, new painters. So it's like you sign up for a night and, like, you with a date and you have. You get drunk and you paint and

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

stuff, and that's cool. You get a lot of paint. Pussy.

[Jonathan Jernigan]

Not really. I don't. I don't try because I feel creepy if I try to, like, hit on the guests and I try to. I like being employed oh, yeah. But other than that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Where can people find your art at, Mr. Journey?

[Jonathan Jernigan]

I wish. I don't paint that often.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. Quite the. Quite the salesman.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Jonathan Jernigan]

Been focusing harder on comedy, Morton.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice. Yeah, you're very, very good at it.

[Jonathan Jernigan]

Well, thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Keep it up. Sign up again sometime. Jonathan Jernigan. Good to see. We're gonna. We're at the end of the episode, so we're gonna keep it moving. Thank you so much. Look, sign up again. Jonathan Jernigan, a funny man. Get him a big joke book. There we go. I ran out of big joke books. It's been such a good ep, you know, It's a good episode when I ran out of big joke books. All right, everybody, we've made it to the final part of the show. William Montgomery is sick. Ari. Matty is adding Monday shows to his sold out weekends on the road, taking full advantage of the Kill Tony bump while not showing up for the thing that made him so famous. But luckily for you guys, we have one more superstar that's on the super rise, everybody. Every single week, this guy does more than a minute. It's amazing to watch. He was once the dark storm of Atlanta, and now he's the dark storm of Austin, Texas. Make some noise for the rising star, Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen,

[Dedrick Flynn]

Austin. Honestly, I'm not gonna lie to y'.

[Michael Hines]

All.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I got some beef with Austin, Texas. I don't wanna be the darkest storm of Austin, Texas no more. How y' all been treating me? Because right now I'm homeless. And I'm the richest homeless nigga in Austin, Texas. I applied for three houses to move into and one of the houses texted me. No matter what pay stubs I sent them, I said, I'm doing good right now. One of them hit me back and they said, you credit is bad. What the landlords want is for you to write an essay. About why your credit is bad and what you intend to do about it. Nigga, this is the essay. I was poor, now I'm not. That's why I moved here, bitch. Did you look at anything? Did you Google me at all? I was homeless before and now I'm not. But you want me to write an essay. Nigga, that feel like slavery to me. You want me to write you an essay about why I was poor and why my nigga credit wasn't real. And it's still not to me. I don't need credit. I'm making the money. But they want me to write them an essay. That shit is ins. What the fuck is Austin, Texas doing? You want me to write you an essay so I can stay in a house you don't want to live in no more? You want me to live in there and then pay you money to live? That shit actually let me be homeless. Let me be homeless. Cause honestly, I miss my homeless dick package that I used to give women I used to fuck good as fuck when I was homeless. I was a better boyfriend when I was homeless because you had to fuck a girl so good that she go to sleep. I've been using rich nigga dick for fucking six months, which is mostly like I'm too tired. I just. This a nigga that ain't got nowhere to go. I'mma fuck you whenever the fuck you want to. I'm doing moves I never even thought possible. Leg up, sideways. I want to get back to that package. You ain't hurting my feelings until Nick. I learned I was a better boyfriend when I was homeless. I learned how to fold a fitted blanket when I was homeless. I learned how to fold clothes when I was homeless. Normally, I just wash clothes. I put them on a bed, and then I sleep on it because my bed is too hard. That's my time. I love y'.

[Eric McLaughlin]

All.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dedrick Quinn, ladies and gentlemen. Deep, deep and true. It's some insight into the true life of Dedrick Florida.

[Dedrick Flynn]

That shit hurt my. I thought. Cause I was in Texas, right? And I was a Kill Tony. That's what I put on the application. Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Regular

[Dedrick Flynn]

let me in. Yeah, I'm making enough money to buy the house. Yeah, but they told me my credit was too bad, and they wanted to. Nigga, I've never written an essay for pussy. You want me to write an essay so I can live in your house? Fuck. Austin, Texas, right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did they. Did they know? Did they know? Did they. Well, I guess your name on the application was Dedrick. So you think it has anything to do with the possibility that perhaps you were.

[Dedrick Flynn]

No, Dedrick is a German name.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

German and chocolate.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on.

[Davey Wester]

They.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I put Dedrick Flynn on there, and I thought they would just Google me and be like, that's okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, well, we found out recently you call it a heavy debit card. You don't even have a credit card, so you.

[Dedrick Flynn]

No, I have a heavy debit card right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red.

[Dedrick Flynn]

White dad. Don't treat me like this in front of the credit card. White. White Dad. I. I did everything I could not do. Also to ask me why I was poor before. As if you never heard a rap song. That's what happened. I just listen to Gucci, listen to fucking Young Dolph, listen to fucking Meek Mill. I was poor and now I'm not. That's the end of it. That's every rap song that started. Why you act like this is the first time you've ever heard of a black person making his dreams come true?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dedrick, this is true. Have you been selling. The chains are looking a little tight tonight night. Have you been selling links of your gold chain for the down payment of this house? It's starting to look like you're a pit bull or something like that. You already look like you own a pit stray dog.

[Dedrick Flynn]

You look like I went back to being a stray dog. All I do is push ups. I'm a pit bull. Like, I'm a good boy, but I'm a bad dog. You know that, Tony?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Like I'm a good boy. Everybody love they want to pet me, but I'll buy the kid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true.

[Dedrick Flynn]

How dare. Look. What the. I have so much gold.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is this house that you put. That you're applying to, is it. Does it happen to be a dog house? Dead.

[Dedrick Flynn]

It's not even nice. It's not even nice. How dare you ask me to write an essay. Has anybody in this audience ever written an essay to rent a place?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There are a couple other black people out there. I see them. They all raised their hands at once back here.

[Dedrick Flynn]

D. Don't play with me.

[Davey Wester]

I

[Dedrick Flynn]

either play it or don't, Dedrick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What else is going on in life? Anything else crazy?

[Dedrick Flynn]

I just want to say right now that officially, I'm the dark storm of Chicago. I just sold out four shows out of five in Chicago, and I had a great time out there. That was fantastic. So mad. Yeah, Zany's.

[Eric Biggs]

I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They.

[Dedrick Flynn]

They were ripping.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So much fun.

[Dedrick Flynn]

They told me they sold the most alcohol they've ever sold in the last three years for my five shows.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Little fun fact about Zany's. I've headlined there probably somewhere 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 times or whatever. But at one point, I opened up there for Jeffrey Ross. I was just. Just a measly opener.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah. They looked at me.

[Aaron Spaller]

Me.

[Dedrick Flynn]

While I'm looking at your. They look. My roommate texted me, being like, hey, they want an essay while I'm looking at your fold. I hate touring, cuz every time I go somewhere, you're there and I can see you watching me. So I'm like, I can't do bad. Tony Hinchcliff is right there on the wall.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I am.

[Dedrick Flynn]

And I. I just can't do no bad. That's just that I

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

can't hate on the city of Austin, by the way.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yes, I can.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, that. No one where go see if Chicago's going to sell you a nice house without an essay.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I looked at it that. No, it was 33 degrees outside when I left and I got here and it was 91. I was like, this is where I'm supposed to be.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pro tip, Dedrick, don't write them an essay. Send them your upcoming schedule. You can. You can literally get your agents to, like, compile a thing that says what you're doing.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wondered why my credit score was bad. As if they've never heard a dream come true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's true. It happened.

[Dedrick Flynn]

They wanted me to write an essay so they could jack off with their racist. They wanted to be like, oh, that was poor. Now he living in my house.

[Chris Celio]

Create an LLC and have the llc.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I have a LLC and an escort Red Pan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You helped me make it llc. Yeah, he's got littler and littler chains. That's the LLC he's got.

[Dedrick Flynn]

It's called llc.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Those things are sh. Either those are shrinking or your neck is growing in real time. You're having an allergic doing the push

[Dedrick Flynn]

ups cuz these online. Want to fight?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dedrick, we love you. Everybody loves you.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The richest homeless man in Austin, ladies and gentlemen. Guys, if you've ever listened to anything I tell you, I implore you, go to Netflix now that the episode is over and watch Take a Banana for the ride. And without a doubt, as you know, make sure you watch the Roast of Kevin Hart on May 10th live on Netflix. Anything can happen. Maybe someone trips up the stairs or whatever, throws a shot glass on the ground and glass flies everywhere. It's as. As long live as it gets on Netflix.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Going to be a lot of fun. Thank you, Kill Tony. Thank you, Redman. Give it up for these incredible musicians tonight.

[Chris Celio]

Yeah. Tony, I love you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Jeffrey Ross]

I love you letting me be a

[Chris Celio]

part of your crazy world.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love you. You're the man. One more time for the great Jeff Ross. This episode's been brought to you by Shopify, Pagovas, and Zip Recruiter. Let's check in with a local artist, Chris Rogers, See what he drew. It's Jeff Ross, everybody. Hell, yeah. That's absolutely incredible. I can let you know that indeed, you still have a chance, perhaps of getting tickets for Kill Tony Wrestlemania Las Vegas, Nevada. It's an absolute incredible hybrid of your favorite of The Greatest Entertainment 2 Two of your favorite entertainment sources, WWE, WWE and KT, all together at once. Madison Square Garden is now on sale for early August in New York City. And we're doing the Intuit dome. And that's May 7th, I do believe. And then the 8th, 9th, 10th. Yeah, I think it's the 7th. Thursday, May 7th at the Intuit Dome. The week of the Netflix is a joke week which ends with the roast of Kevin Hart. Red Band San Diego. I'll be there July 9th through 11th, bringing some friends. American Comedy Co.com thank you to our sponsors. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land for Jeff Ross. Take a banana for the ride right now, every single one of you. Go watch it. Keep it on. Let it run all the way to the end for his retention ratings. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night everybody. Sam.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Sa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Marriage. This episode is brought to you by Athletic Brewing Company. No matter how you do game day, on the couch, in the crowd or manning the snack table, Athletic Brewing fits right in with a full lineup of non alcoholic beer styles you can enjoy bold flavors all game long. No hangovers, no buzz, no subbing out for water. In the second half, stock the fridge for tip off with a variety of non alcoholic craft styles available at your local grocery store or online@athletic brewing.com near beer fit for all times. Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. I don't know if you knew this, but anyone can get the same Premium Wireless for $15 a month plan that I've been enjoying. It's not just for celebrities. So do like I did and have one of your assistant's assistants switch you to Mint Mobile today. Today I'm told it's super easy to

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[Tony Hinchcliffe]

month required intro rate first 3 months

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[Tony Hinchcliffe]

and Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual. Even if it means sitting in front row at a comedy show.

[Victoria Lang]

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[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Check out this guy and his bird. What is this your first date?

[Chris Celio]

Oh no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual.

[Eric McLaughlin]

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[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're married. Me to a human, him to a bird. Yeah, the bird looks out of your league. Anyways, only pay for what you [e-mail] Liberty, Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Spring is calling weddings, patio sessions, barbecues and you want that drink vibe without sacrificing tomorrow. That's RK zero proof. As the world's first zero proof spirits brand, RK created the warm molecule, giving you the smooth kick of whiskey or tequila with zero alcohol, zero calories, zero sugar and all the peace of mind you need to enjoy every moment. Step into the zero proof season at rk0proof.com.