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Tony Hinchcliffe
Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every
Jeffrey Ross
episode of Kill Tony can be found
Tony Hinchcliffe
at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony, Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever, Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hello there everybody. We are excited to announce, you know, we were the first podcast to ever do Madison Square Garden. We were the first podcast ever on Netflix and we're coming back to Netflix as you know. And now we are proud to announce we are going back to Madison Square Garden for the third year in a row. Completely unprecedented. The world's greatest arena. Tickets go on Pre sale special two day passes available on Wednesday morning at 10:00am Eastern Time. That's Wednesday, April 8th at 10:00am Use the promo code KILL to 6KILL26 and you can get special two day passes or you can get a one night pass. But you might as well come both nights. You're going to be in New York City, make a trip to the greatest arena in the world, support your favorite show on planet Earth and see all your favorite talents of the future, the past and the present at Kill Tony live at Madison Square Garden. Tickets go on sale Wednesday, 10am don't mess it up. Hey, this is Redneck coming live from the comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode to Kill Tony. Get up for Tony hits. Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? Make some noise over right, right there, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. Oh my goodness, how excited. How you. How we feeling tonight, huh? You're at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony Brad by Shopify, Tovas and Zip Recruiter. Oh my God, it feels good in here. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, everybody. Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Anachos Belgrande, the great Matt Muling on the electric guitar, John D's on the keys. And this, believe it or not, live in the flesh is D Madness. Ladies and gentlemen. Oh my goodness, what an exciting episode we have for you tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Go further with the American Express Business Gold Card. Earn 3 times Membership Rewards points on flights and prepaid hotels when you book through amextravel.com whether your destination is a business conference or a client meeting. Your purchases will help you earn more points for future trips. Experience more on your travels with AMEX Business Gold Terms apply. Learn more@americanexpress.com Business Gold AmEx Business Gold Card Built for business by American Express this episode is brought to you by State Farm. You know those friends who support your preference for podcasts over music on road trips? That's the energy State Farm brings to insurance. 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Because the only thing that should define your brand is you. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Wow. Every single week I book it. You've seen it before. Sometimes it's three guests, sometimes it's Two. And then every once in a while, you're on a night here. On a night where it's so magical that I have one guest that I love so much, that our chemistry is so good for where we roll with one. This is one of those nights. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you not only one of my favorite humans in the world, a man that I consider a brotherly, fatherly super friend, but a genius who right now, his new special, take a banana for the Ride is on Netflix just came out and you will see him on the roast of Kevin Hart on May 10th. Ladies and gentlemen, my mentor and one of my best friends, the great roast master, General Jeffrey Ross. Yeah, baby. You can get louder than that. Austin, Texas. Yes, My man. The best. And he is ready to unleash the flame throwing power of another roast. May 10. The roast of Kevin Hart.
Jeffrey Ross
It's gonna be the best. It's gonna be the greatest roast ever.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It really is.
Jeffrey Ross
I don't know if Tony will ever be able to top his last set, but you are the Nikki Glazer of Austin. Thanks for having me, Tony.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That is the harshest roast joke I've ever had told to me, by the way.
Jeffrey Ross
That's exciting.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I'm just gonna take that one. Absorb it.
Jeffrey Ross
The best jokes, the most unattractive front row I've ever. Ice truckers over here. Welcome, welcome, welcome, guys.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It is a wild looking crowd. This guy looks like he plays the organ at a vape store. Look at this guy. It's absolutely incredible.
Jeffrey Ross
This guy right here.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, look at him, dude.
Jeffrey Ross
He looks like he sharpens his head. Look as this guy got.
Tony Hinchcliffe
He's incredible. The human dildo in the front row.
Jeffrey Ross
Jesus.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It is amazing.
Jeffrey Ross
Like your head should be part of a car wash. The bristles. I'm jealous. Look at me.
Tony Hinchcliffe
He asks his. This guy goes in and asks his barber for the felt tip. Can I have an old paintbrush, please?
Jeffrey Ross
That's nice. Your poor name is used paintbrush.
Tony Hinchcliffe
We're gonna have fun tonight, Jeff. You've done the show so many times. You were with us in the belly room when barely anybody knew about the show. He used to let me leave the writers rooms early on Monday. The rest of the writers used to make fun of me going, what is this stupid pot? You think you get to leave at 7pm to do the some stupid thing? They would bust my balls about it.
Jeffrey Ross
Great memory.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, yeah. You remember it when Tony would have
Jeffrey Ross
to leave to go do kill Tony.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. And yeah, and they all thought I was just trying to flake out of work early on Mondays.
Jeffrey Ross
Back then in the Belly Room, there were, like, 80 people in the room and then another 80 watching on YouTube.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So you know how it works. We've done it all the way from the Belly Room at the Comedy Store to Madison Square Garden. Over 200 human beings signed up. They are packed like sardines in a dilapidated bar next door. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get six 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up. When you hear the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview and they get feedback and take questions from me and the roastmaster general, Jeffrey Ross. Anything can happen. The whole thing is improvised. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? We're gonna start it with a bang. Ladies and gentlemen, I have one of the best golden ticket winners of all time, maybe the goat golden ticket winner, here to get tonight's show started, the automatic machine. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the one and only Martin Phillips, everybody.
Martin Phillips
What's up? What's going on? I. I flew with my dog, and he was freaking out. I was like, man, chill. I haven't even hijacked the plane yet. You're blowing my cover. You know, I'm gonna get a new dog, get a drug dog and use it for good, you know? Say, yeah, Sparky, let's find out where the party's at. Okay. I see these erectile dysfunction medicine commercials. It's always the guy working on his farm or fixing his truck. It's like, yeah, that's what I need, a motor when I had shit to do, you know, when I were out livestock. Okay, cool.
Michael Hines
All right.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. The great Martin Phillips with exactly 59 seconds. Oh, yeah. Thunder and lightning, as always. Is that true? You travel with a dog?
Martin Phillips
Yeah, I don't always, but great. Set up to a story I wanted to tell, you know, Perfect. I don't always travel with them, but every now and then operate if it's like, a short trip. So anyway, usually I drug him the fuck out.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How do you do that?
Martin Phillips
Oh, well, he gets a cocktail of gabapentin and trapezone. And it works. It works.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. And you, like, break this up. You're just a special. You're just the old trusty pharmacist over here.
Martin Phillips
I mean, the vet told me. I mean, I didn't do my own research. Head in.
Tony Hinchcliffe
HE snorts it, right?
Martin Phillips
Yeah. Shove it in his nose.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I love it. How long have you had this dog for? Most handicapped, Most people with a condition of any kind, if they have a service dog, they're taking that thing around everywhere. They troll it around with them. Honestly, I find it kind of annoying with my handicap friends. You. I didn't even know you had a dog at all.
Martin Phillips
Remember, the dog has said you made jokes about,
Tony Hinchcliffe
I mean, what a piece of you were. I mean, that happened during my time. Agree. That happens. Luckily the dog was just tripping out on pain pills or whatever.
Martin Phillips
Yeah, it was. It was chill and. But. But yeah, usually, you know, he's like just, you know, high as. You know.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What kind of dog is it?
Martin Phillips
He's like shih Tzu mix.
Tony Hinchcliffe
He's like a small guy, you know, and it's legs. Everything's operational or you guys like tw.
Martin Phillips
We don't have that. We don't have that in common.
Tony Hinchcliffe
We're pretty. Yeah. You guys don't walk together through the airport.
Martin Phillips
He's kind of blind, so. Oh, he doesn't know where he's going.
Tony Hinchcliffe
A little bit there.
Martin Phillips
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I love it. D. Madness. Laughing at your blind dog. You gotta love it. You gotta love it. Does it wear wacky light up glasses
Martin Phillips
like D. Does they look as just like.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I love it, I love it.
Martin Phillips
But yeah. Anyway, so usually he's, you know, sleep in it and stuff. And then we were on the plane and for some reason he started to like freak out or something. I don't know what was happening. He started to get out of the carrier, but I calmed him down. The drug said that two minutes later I had like a hoodie on. I looked at my sleeve, I was like, is this. Yeah. Taking us.
Aaron Spaller
He took a.
Tony Hinchcliffe
In the carrier.
Davey Wester
The carrier.
Martin Phillips
During the fight.
Tony Hinchcliffe
During the fight with you? The flight. Oh, okay. I thought you guys got into a fight trying to keep him in the carrier.
Martin Phillips
Yeah, because he was shitty and that's why we were fighting. Yeah, you do little terrorist, no uncertainty thing. But I'm sure they're looking at being like, I think this guy shit himself.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You didn't smell it at all?
Martin Phillips
So I. If I, if I leaned out, I could smell that. I definitely was like, oh, but there's nothing we could do.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What airline was this?
Martin Phillips
Delta.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, okay. Normally you can pick up a scent on Delta, Southwest. It always smells like dog shit. So people would have thought it was a downgrade of. Of the scent in Southwest, but Delta, that's interesting.
Michael Hines
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Are you in. Were you in business? Class or normal?
Martin Phillips
I think I was just Nora. We were in the back, so.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, cool.
Martin Phillips
Shit goes down back there.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's right.
Jonathan Jernigan
Literally.
Michael Hines
Yeah.
Martin Phillips
He lived up to the Shih Tzu name.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yes, indeed.
Martin Phillips
Really? So.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's incredible. So you had it on your hoodie. Yeah, I had you a little bit insecure after that. Was anybody sitting next to you?
Martin Phillips
Luckily, there was nobody next.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Amazing. That would have been great if it was like a. An Indian guy or something and you're like, God, it's this guy over here. Did you turn it inside out? Well, good question. Master Brian Redband. The master of having poop on him, everybody. Our senior poop correspondent, Brian Redb with the tough questions.
Martin Phillips
I. I just. I just had to say sleep. Roll it up.
Tony Hinchcliffe
So amazing.
Martin Phillips
Know what? Good that is?
Tony Hinchcliffe
So amazing. Jeff, is this your first time seeing Martin?
Jeffrey Ross
I. I've seen Martin before. Never this close. Does your dog. Maybe your dog thinks you're wet all
Tony Hinchcliffe
the time, you know?
Jeffrey Ross
Well, he's always like shaking, like the way dogs shake when they're wet.
Martin Phillips
Always try.
Jeffrey Ross
Anyway, how much money have we raised so far? Such a. For such an important cause.
Martin Phillips
You look sticker than I do.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You vote and the.
Jeffrey Ross
It's extra funny because I'm healthy. I just had my chemo port taken out a week ago. I got the scar right here. Yeah, son.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Juan, I love that joke.
Jeffrey Ross
I love you for that joke.
Martin Phillips
Okay, sorry.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Everyone is the healthiest I've ever been.
Jeffrey Ross
Well, I look like Bruce Willis if his trainer also had dementia. But how's my hair? Is my hair okay?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Martin Phillips, what a way to start the show. You are unbelievable. The automatic party starter, Martin Phillips has done it again, ladies and gentlemen. He is the man. Hell yeah. And now to the bucket we go. You guys know how this goes. It could be an insane person trying it for the first time. It could be the future of comedy that's been signing up for two years in a row and waiting to get pulled and it hasn't happened. It could be anything. Something in between. We're gonna find out all together. Your first bucket pool of the night goes by the name of Aaron Spaller. Everybody put your hands together for Aaron.
Aaron Spaller
How you guys doing? Hell yeah. So I've never lived in a city before. I've always been like a small town kind of guy. Just real simple, easygoing, like normal. When I saw something living on the side of the road, it'd just be a little animal, something cute, fuzzy. And now here I just got all these homeless people when I first moved here. Like, I felt bad for him. Give them a dollar, do what you can. But I saw this one guy that just ruined it all for everybody. He was holding his sign that said Cancer can't work. How are you gonna use your zodiac sign as an excuse to being homeless? You're not out here because you were born in July, dude. That's insane. I'm working three jobs, struggling to feed myself, and you just sitting. I was born in July. Can you help me?
Davey Wester
Like, no.
Aaron Spaller
Fuck you, dude. I try to look for the bright side and everything. I really do with having the homeless people here. I think I finally found it. It's like if you're out here on 6th street and anybody starts like shooting and they start blasting, we got a lot of meat shields we can use. I'm grabbing the guy in the wheelchair, I'm charging straight at him. We're gonna be the heroes of the day, man. But I'm just fucking with you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right, there it is. The complete allotted time of Aaron Spaller. Welcome to the show, Aaron. How are you?
Aaron Spaller
I'm doing good, how are you?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Your first time on the show?
Aaron Spaller
No, Third.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. All right. Well, your look's always changing. Today you look like a full grown Chucky doll. So it's very exciting.
Aaron Spaller
I'll take it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How long you been doing stand up?
Aaron Spaller
May will be three years.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. All of it here in Austin, Texas.
Aaron Spaller
I did nine months in Michigan to start, then moved here.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay, awesome. And when did exactly did you get the overalls?
Aaron Spaller
Christmas.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Christmas? You got them for yourself?
Aaron Spaller
No, my mom, man.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Your mom got those for you?
Aaron Spaller
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's adorable. I didn't realize they made overalls for 6 foot 4 crackheads or whatever you are.
Aaron Spaller
It's easier to get overalls that fit me than goddamn jeans, man. And they're cheaper.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Overalls are cheaper than jeans? Yeah. Isn't that an incredible fun fact? All that extra fabric? Yeah, but I guess when nobody wants them, it kind of makes sense. It's kind of supply and demand or something like that. Cigarettes, Hundreds when they cost the same. Yeah, it's a really great point. Our senior cigarette correspondent, Brian Redband. Full of cigarette analogies. Aaron, what do you do for work?
Aaron Spaller
I do valet during the day.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You do valet?
Jeffrey Ross
Yeah, mostly tractors.
Tony Hinchcliffe
John Deere. Amazing. Aaron, how long have you been valeting for?
Aaron Spaller
A year and three or four months, I think.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What's the craziest thing you've seen? Valeting? Craziest or anything. Come on, there's got to be something wacky. I know you're trying to keep your job. But you got a car. There's something sitting on the passenger seat. Just a lot of shitty dog. In a carrier, perhaps, or something like that?
Aaron Spaller
No, Somebody has left their kid in the back seat. And I was like, oh. Like, baby, baby. Like, I started driving off. And how much did you get for it? Not enough. I'm still working there.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I noticed that you called it a baby. Baby. That means, like, it's a. It's like an extremely young child in a carry.
Aaron Spaller
Less than six months.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Aaron Spaller
Like, it's not. Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. What did. What. How far did you make it until you realized there was a baby in the back?
Aaron Spaller
Halfway around the block.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, my God. Was it a dad or a mom?
Aaron Spaller
Both.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, my God.
Aaron Spaller
It's the family man.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Holy.
Aaron Spaller
Yeah, it was weird.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. And how did they react? Did you drove? Did you realize before leaving the car, or did someone call you?
Aaron Spaller
Yeah, so, no. Every now and then somebody leaves the car. Something in the car. And there's the bike lane. So you got to, like, watch that mirror. Real heavy, look in the mirror for the bike. And I just see the parents, like, oh, shit.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh.
Aaron Spaller
I'm like, what's going on? And then you hear the. I'm like, oh, yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Extra crazy because they had to hand you the keys or something, right?
Aaron Spaller
Exactly.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And you look like the last guy anyone would want to leave their little baby with. Luckily, you guys were dressed the same, so it was perfect. Absolutely incredible. Probably wear the same brand diapers, too. Aaron, what do you do for fun? What?
Aaron Spaller
I do for fun, mainly, like hunting, golfing, working on cars, going fast.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What do you hunt for?
Aaron Spaller
I've done deer pretty much my whole life because I was born, raised in Michigan. That's pretty much all that's there. Deer, ducks, squirrels. Simple squirrels.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Do you play music or anything? Why do you look like that?
Aaron Spaller
I don't have an answer for that. It's just free will.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Aaron Spaller
Don't like going to get haircuts. Haven't had it in, like six years. I just go for as easy as possible. Like, I hate put in effort.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Tell us what else you do in life in which you're going for easy as possible. You have one ply. Toilet paper. Jeff, what were you gonna ask?
Jeffrey Ross
Joke writing. Oh, that's for sure. It was so quiet during your set. I could hear the guy painting.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What other shortcuts in life do you take? You don't get haircuts. Come on, There must be more. How often do you do your laundry?
Aaron Spaller
Oh, once every other week.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay.
Martin Phillips
Yeah.
Aaron Spaller
No I just have like, all, like, those pack T shirts, so they all look the exact same. You don't have to try at all.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Give us another example, though. I kind of gave you that one. Give us another example of a shortcut in life. You know what it is? See, some people, they get pulled out of the bucket during this interview part. They don't want to, you know, they don't want to give. Give us anything good to work with. They want to look cool so they can show perhaps future girlfriends their amazing appearance on Kill Tony. You might as well get that out of the way. So, like, what is it, a shortcut?
Aaron Spaller
I don't wear boxers ever.
Dedrick Flynn
Wow.
Tony Hinchcliffe
So there's just nothing going on underneath there. So those are true overalls?
Aaron Spaller
Yeah. Six years? Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, my God. Would you say. What do you say? Six years? Yeah.
Aaron Spaller
I haven't had boxers in six years.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow.
Aaron Spaller
Or seven.
Jeffrey Ross
Haircut in how long?
Aaron Spaller
Six years.
Jeffrey Ross
What happened six years ago?
Chris Celio
What happened?
Tony Hinchcliffe
You're cracking the case. Turns out this guy got raped by his barber six years ago. What happened six years ago?
Aaron Spaller
It was the pandemic. I just gave up.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, okay.
Aaron Spaller
I mean, nothing like, serious. I didn't get diddled or. I was living with my mom. Life was easy.
Jonathan Jernigan
I don't know.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Living with your mom, just free balling. Yeah. Wow. And she's like, here's some overalls, dude. Please, for the love of God, cover that up. Wow. That's incredible. What's your living situation like?
Aaron Spaller
Three roommates.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Three roommates. How many bedrooms?
Aaron Spaller
Four.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How many bathrooms?
Jonathan Jernigan
Four.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. Look at you. It's absolutely shocking.
Aaron Spaller
Yeah. We all got our own bathroom, own shower, own shitter.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. Yeah.
Jeffrey Ross
But y' all share the same pair over.
Aaron Spaller
Aaron, tonight was my turn. It's my night out.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Aaron Spaller. Anything else? Absolutely crazy about your life we should know about before letting you go?
Aaron Spaller
I mean, I crashed a tree going 90 miles an hour.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You crashed? You were driving a tree?
Aaron Spaller
Yeah, dude.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Aaron Spaller
Like a. Yeah. No, in a car. Into a tree? Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. Okay, can I take a guess that this was six years ago?
Aaron Spaller
No, it was. That would make sense. But no, that was 2016 or 17.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. And where. This was in Michigan.
Aaron Spaller
Oh, yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And why were you going 90 miles an hour?
Aaron Spaller
Because I had this job where I was, like, I was in auto shop and I was their parts bitch. So I'd have to run around and pick stuff up. And I got too high and I missed all my turns, and they were on the phone just screaming at me, like, you got seven minutes if you don't pick this up. You're fired. Yada, yada. I was on a dirt road and just floored it and then there was like a cross and this lady pulled out, stopped, and then just stayed there. So I just. It was either kill her or the tree, right?
Tony Hinchcliffe
You decided to kill the tree.
Davey Wester
Yeah, man.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Amazing. Let me ask you this. Did you end up getting fired from that job immediately?
Dedrick Flynn
No.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. So they were gonna fire you for being late, but running into a tree saved you?
Aaron Spaller
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Amazing. Yeah. It seems like the story of your life, Aaron.
Eric Biggs
Smaller.
Aaron Spaller
It's something.
Tony Hinchcliffe
There you go. Well, here's a little joke book, buddy.
Davey Wester
Little one.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I almost made it into multiple pockets there. There he goes. Aaron Spaller. This is the bucket portion of the show very clearly. And here we go. We're gonna keep it moving here. Seem like a nice guy. Oh, there she is, the lovely Heidi. Everybody has made it to the show. The one and only. Watch her show. Love on the line. See it all.
Dedrick Flynn
L'.
Jeffrey Ross
Chaim. To your health.
Tony Hinchcliffe
To Jeff Ross, ladies and gentlemen. Remember, watch take a banana for the ride out now on Netflix.
Jeffrey Ross
Thank you. Thank you for coming to opening night and everything.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It was awesome.
Jeffrey Ross
That was so cool.
Tony Hinchcliffe
So cool.
Jeffrey Ross
I found a cool picture of us backstate.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, that's the best. You guys have to watch it. It's a heartfelt and hilarious one man show.
Jeffrey Ross
By the way. I tried it out in this room like three years ago.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, yeah.
Jeffrey Ross
I. I did a some run throughs a couple years ago and some people earlier told me they were here. So yeah, it's kind of a full circle moment.
Tony Hinchcliffe
But I love it. I love it. We're all doing it. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by prize picks to playoff. Push is heating up in tournament. Hoops are here. Every bucket, every diamond, every win means more when you're playing on prize picks. And with their brand new team picks markets, you can now pick game winners spreads in total. So cash in if you're right during all the clutch buckets, slam dunks and Cinderellas this spring with team picks on prize picks. Red Bam. Tony. I love prize picks. I always loved making player picks on prize picks and now with team picks, there's so many more opportunities to cash in if you make the right picks. I even won my first pick. Oh, wow. Pick the winner straight up on prize picks. Back your takes with real money. Prize picks has team picks here in my state. I downloaded the app and I've been picking winners, spreads and totals ever since. Whether it's battles for playoff seating or Tournament hoops. You could make all your picks right in the same Prize Picks app. Team Picks are available now in 35 states including California, Texas, Georgia, Washington and more. It makes it super easy to pick game winners, spreads and totals all on Prize Picks. Download the Prize Picks app today and pick your first game winner, spread or total as the playoff push rolls on. And get fifty dollars in daily Fantasy Lineups when you play your first five dollar lineup. There's no doubt about it when you use code Tony. That's the code. It's Tony to get fifty dollars in daily fantasy lineups when you play your first five dollar lineup. Price Picks Predict is a registered FCM offering Team Picks and Culture Picks as event contracts. Trading involves significant risk not for all. The content provided is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute investment advice, recommendation to trade any commodity interest or an offer to open an account. Kiltoni is not registered with the CFTC or NFA Prize Picks Predict does not endorse or guarantee any statements made by third party promoters or influencers. Please consult with a qualified professional before making any trading decisions. Not sure how to tackle your taxes? Are you sweating the small print? You may be experiencing FOMO, the fear of messing up the answer using TurboTax on Intuit credit Karma. They help you get your biggest refund and then we help you do more with it with a personalized plan designed to help you hit your money goals. It's time to take your taxes to the max. Start filing today in the Credit Karma app. Ladies and gentlemen, your next Bucket poll goes by the name of Vanessa Scaduto, everybody.
Vanessa Scaduto
What is up Austin? I'm an older broad, you know, it's kind of obvious a little bit, right? And every day though, I'm reminded of it. The other day I was driving down the road and I saw a car swerving. It's broad daylight and I'm like, what the fuck is going on? All of a sudden I see the passenger, I can't bend over too far, sorry. Pop up and do this number. And I was like, oh, fucking roadhead, dude. I used to do that, you know, before I went to therapy and realized my dad does love me, he just doesn't know how to show it. What else, ladies? Titty fucking. Are you in your 30s still doing that? It's like we're playing an accordion, right? A shake weight, right? We're opening a pickle jar. Maybe I'll use my mouth if you're lucky. What else? Getting cummed in the face. That's not a Facial. Guys, it's not. I know, in your time, probably, but what else? Why does it always smell like bleach? I'm waiting. Nobody's been able to dispel that mystery. But the one thing I know that never changes as I get older is the shame I feel after coming in the shower by myself. My name's been Vanessa Scuduto. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Vanessa Scuduto. Welcome, Vanessa.
Vanessa Scaduto
What's up?
Tony Hinchcliffe
How long have you been doing standup, Vanessa?
Vanessa Scaduto
I honestly didn't think I'd be doing it this long. So like seven plus years. I don't have an anniversary, but okay. Yeah, I know, right? That's the story of my life, dude.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Where have you been doing standup at what hospice have you been doing?
Vanessa Scaduto
Jacksonville, Florida, believe it or not.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. Okay.
Dedrick Flynn
That's right.
Vanessa Scaduto
Give it up for Florida comics, you guys. Dude, we are. We're the dude. I don't know what you guys are talking.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Winning over the crowd with a classic. You guys.
Vanessa Scaduto
Yeah, I know.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Really turning around the moment.
Vanessa Scaduto
Sorry about that.
Tony Hinchcliffe
After that. You've been doing it seven plus years. Do you get on stage a lot?
Vanessa Scaduto
I haven't in the last four weeks, actually. I just moved to Austin, so congrats.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What made you move to Austin, Texas?
Vanessa Scaduto
Actually, I came here for my spiritual. My spiritual group. I didn't come here for comedy.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Believe you were in a cult. Let's talk about it. Amazing. Tell us about this spiritual group. Yes. You were right. I knew you were gonna. Just like your parents and your. Your siblings told you, but yeah, it's.
Vanessa Scaduto
It's really just a community. It's not like we have a.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It sounds like they are weeks away from a mass suicide. Ladies and gentlemen. It's just a community, everybody. It's just spiritual.
Vanessa Scaduto
Don't worry.
Tony Hinchcliffe
We just all wear the same outfits.
Vanessa Scaduto
At least there's a record of this, right? If something happens. No, I. I mean, it's literally. You guys may have even heard my mentor. Her name's Sarah Reeves. She's been on the Night Owl podcast.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. A lot of name drops and whatnot. Can you explain to us what it is?
Vanessa Scaduto
It's. It's basically just a community of different practitioners of different things. We just support each other and we develop our intuition.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What type of practitioning do you do? What's your specialty?
Vanessa Scaduto
I can do a lot of things. I can do medium work. I can do. Oh.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, this sounds exciting. What type of.
Vanessa Scaduto
I can do healing.
Jeffrey Ross
You also do medium comedy?
Vanessa Scaduto
Yeah.
Victoria Lang
Ain't wrong, sir.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You ain't Wrong. Oh, can we. Can we shout out to Davel I love it. The great bumping mics.
Jeffrey Ross
Awesome. What are you, the tennis coach for the.
Vanessa Scaduto
You know what? I honestly didn't know I was going to be here tonight.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That happens. That's the risk we take.
Vanessa Scaduto
Signing up for a show to just sign up.
Tony Hinchcliffe
There you go. Who told you? Your master at the spiritual group.
Vanessa Scaduto
My buddy.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You should have known you were getting pulled, being a medium and all.
Vanessa Scaduto
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You didn't feel it in your.
Vanessa Scaduto
I told him I was. Was going to get called. I did.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Amazing. Amazing how you. Amazing how you psychics always guess. We always know, right?
Vanessa Scaduto
Don't we always know?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Amazing. I didn't know. I mean, I totally knew, but I didn't know. Oh, cigarettes.
Jeffrey Ross
That's a.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's a. You can't make fun of this. You see that? A cigarette just jumped out of my hand into a bucket of paper. I'm done making fun of you. You are an angel. I'm joining the spiritual group.
Vanessa Scaduto
Appreciate that.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Appreciate that. Holy.
Jeffrey Ross
This show is on fire.
Dedrick Flynn
I just.
Vanessa Scaduto
I just want to tell you guys, every one of you guys have abilities. That's it. I'm going to put that out there. All of you guys do.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay, so what kind of. Let's. Let's flex this medium work right now because we never get to do anything like that.
Vanessa Scaduto
Not how it's done, but. Okay, I'll try.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Real master improviser you are.
Vanessa Scaduto
I'm not, actually. That's. I can't stand improv, so that's my fault. Okay, I know. I'm sorry, but it's.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You're crushing it. Right?
Chris Celio
You're doing great.
Vanessa Scaduto
Appreciate you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Everything is okay. So why don't you do some medium work for us? What can you tell us about anything in this room? Do you feel any energies? Kino, give me a spotlight. John Dees, give me a little medium music. Medium music, John, Here we go.
Vanessa Scaduto
I will tell you. There is something in the alley and I think some of your doormen have seen something. Movement in the back.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay, ask them. Okay, hold on. No sound effects during this part.
Vanessa Scaduto
Ask them.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I mean, ask him if he's seen movement.
Vanessa Scaduto
The doorman have probably seen movement, like shadows. And in. In the back alley area.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You felt a presence in the alleyway there?
Vanessa Scaduto
Well, it's. It's not necessarily a presence. It could just be residue, like energy.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Absolutely. There's a lot of energies in the alleyway. Let's talk about inside this room. Keynote. Stick with me again, John D's. Give Me, Media, music. The Is going on here? These. Are you awake? You put my keyboard player to sleep with your powers. My super stoned keyboard player. You made him fall asleep. That's incredible.
Vanessa Scaduto
I know. Sorry if I'm flashing my twat on any of you guys. I did not.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Apology accept. All right, here we go. Medium work with Vanessa Skadutta.
Victoria Lang
Oh, God.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay, tell us something. Do you feel anything from the energies out here in the audience? I know they look very unhappy right now. That looks like.
Vanessa Scaduto
No, I don't. I don't really sense anything.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay, great. Well, amazing. Can you explain to us something that you've done before, medium wise, in which it was a breakthrough in which everyone was like, wow, you're so powerful.
Vanessa Scaduto
I mean, I have a daughter.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, my God.
Vanessa Scaduto
I mean, that.
Victoria Lang
It's.
Vanessa Scaduto
I mean, pushing a child out of your coochie is pretty powerful.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How about the medium stuff?
Vanessa Scaduto
I mean, I saw her before she was born. I knew what she was gonna look like. I don't know what else to tell you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Does she have brown hair and. Brown hair? No, no, no, no. You saw a blonde child?
Vanessa Scaduto
No, she does not.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It came out looking like. It came out looking like Jeffrey Ross.
Vanessa Scaduto
Right, Exactly.
Tony Hinchcliffe
The nose was a little more smushed, but.
Vanessa Scaduto
Yes, her nose was a little more smushed when she came out, but a.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. Why was there nose smushed from your vagina?
Vanessa Scaduto
Yeah, well, I. Yeah, I have a. I guess I had a tight womb. So you're trying to push.
Tony Hinchcliffe
See, now that is something I wouldn't have guessed. I would have guessed that medium is an extra large.
Vanessa Scaduto
Well, I. I had her at a very young age. I had her at a very young age. Okay, so my daughter's in her 20s now.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay, cool. All right. Other than mediuming for the spiritual group, is there anything else before I let you go? Vanessa, for the spiritual group, do you have any special powers or anything?
Vanessa Scaduto
Well, yeah, a lot of them. We can do healings and stuff.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You guys. Wow, that's amazing.
Vanessa Scaduto
Thank you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What. What type? What. What have you healed before exactly?
Vanessa Scaduto
Oh, like if somebody. I know. This is. Dude, I knew I shouldn't have brought this up.
Tony Hinchcliffe
No, it's good. Vanessa, this is so entertaining. The last guy's a ballet guy that wanted to look cool and gave us nothing to work with. You're killing the interview part.
Vanessa Scaduto
Yeah, I'm sorry. You can heal almost anything. So it depends. Sometimes you can see.
Davey Wester
Well.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay.
Vanessa Scaduto
I would have to go into a lesson. Like, we have auras and shit. You can see when People's auras are broken. You can clear them for them and you can remove certain energies. I mean, yeah. I don't know. I mean, okay, yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
But have you ever. Is there anything you can cite something that you've done? Like, have you ever, like, was there ever, like, a person?
Vanessa Scaduto
Yeah. My friend Scarlett, I help. Helps heal her. She's an artist here too, in Austin. If you guys want to check her.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Her, like, spirit was broke. You just keep name dropping.
Vanessa Scaduto
She had. She had a pain. She had a pain on her back, and I removed the pain from her back.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, my goodness.
Vanessa Scaduto
So you can do that. I mean, but you guys can do it for yourselves too.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. I love that you all are mediums that have the power to the heel.
Vanessa Scaduto
You. You do. You are divine beings. Remember that. Don't let this tell you different.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I love it. Absolutely is. Vanessa.
Vanessa Scaduto
Love you, Tony.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I love you. You're nutty as hell. I love it. There she goes. Vanessa Doo. Very cool.
Jeffrey Ross
Vanessa. You're divine being.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yes.
Jeffrey Ross
You're divine. Thank you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Thank you, Vanessa. We love all different shapes and sizes, and she was vulnerable.
Jeffrey Ross
She.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Jeffrey Ross
If she was.
Davey Wester
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Like I said, I love it. That's why I. I say it so that the people watching the show that want to sign up at some point are good during the interview part. All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Michael Hines. Everybody put your hands together for Michael.
Michael Hines
I got cheated on by a native American girl. She was a Navajo. I've been getting a lot of Andrew Tate alpha male content in my feed lately, so the algorithm hasn't figured me out. Just because I hate liberal doesn't mean I like conservative ones. And it's cause they'll make one video make in front of some dork's pronouns, but then the next one, they call themselves an Omega Sigma Alpha male. And those are just pronouns for frat dudes, which is fucking gay. AI scammers and Indian scammers have both been evolving at a breakneck pace to compete. It's a real space race to see who can act human first. And it's impressive the Indians are keeping up with the digital war because they're fighting a physical war of Pakistan, World War II. Are you familiar? Let's hope it doesn't go pukeular. You know, every trans woman I've ever met has been mentally ill, so maybe they are women.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Michael Hines. Michael Hines with a strong dismount.
Michael Hines
Yes, sir.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I love it. You've been on this show before. I remember you, Michael. Always funny.
Michael Hines
Yes, sir. Thank You.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What have we talked about in your other interviews?
Michael Hines
Last time we talked about me sleeping with a torta at the Nor the Dinar bar.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, that's right.
Davey Wester
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Torta. You don't know about this?
Jeffrey Ross
That's a sandwich.
Tony Hinchcliffe
In one way it is. It's also a very thick Latina girl.
Jeffrey Ross
Oh, torta.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Very thick.
Jeffrey Ross
Got it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Heck, yeah. Has that happened again since the last time?
Michael Hines
No, things have been bad. I need to find a new apartment. They won't let me sign my lease again.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, tell us about that.
Michael Hines
Well, my downstairs neighbor called the cops on me over 200 times in the last year for smoking weed.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow.
Jeffrey Ross
The cops came 200 times to the leasing office.
Michael Hines
Apparently weed's legal for now, so.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Ah, very interesting.
Michael Hines
But they won't let me stay.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. Do you ever run into this neighbor? Do you ever see them physically?
Michael Hines
Oh, yeah, all the time.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah? What do they do?
Eric McLaughlin
They.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Are they mean to you?
Michael Hines
She used to yell at me a lot, but now I think the apartment told us we're not allowed to talk to each other.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, great. You love it?
Michael Hines
Oh, yeah. It's nice and quiet now.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And you smoke indoors? You don't have a patio or anything like that?
Michael Hines
No, I blow it outside.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You. So you smoke indoors and you blow it outside?
Michael Hines
Yeah. You know, they're not letting me sign my lease anyway, so might as well. Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You, like, blow it out of a window?
Michael Hines
Mostly.
Tony Hinchcliffe
So when is Your lease up?
Michael Hines
69 days from today. I'm counting.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. Okay. And what are you gonna do? Have you been looking?
Michael Hines
I've been looking, but I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm like $18,000 in credit card debt, so maybe I'll go back to New Jersey for a little while.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. And how would you. How would you save up money in New Jersey? Exactly. What would be the plan? Be there.
Michael Hines
I live near, like, a vacation spot, so in the summertime, I'd work there for a little bit, grind it out, and then probably get a worship.
Tony Hinchcliffe
In New Jersey?
Michael Hines
Well, nothing. I live in Texas.
Tony Hinchcliffe
So the spot in New Jersey. Where is next to a vacation spot that's here or in New Jersey?
Michael Hines
It's in New Jersey.
Tony Hinchcliffe
So what? You just said you would go there,
Michael Hines
work and grind it out like a bar or something.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, you have no idea.
Michael Hines
No idea.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Trying to make me look like an. I was dialed in the end.
Michael Hines
I have no idea what I'm gonna do.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You have no idea. How did you get exactly $18,000 in debt? You're a guy that Knows that you have 69 days left on your lease. I'm guessing you're spot on. 18,000 and some change.
Michael Hines
Yeah, I had a DUI.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, wow. Tell us about that.
Michael Hines
It was when I first came out of the Marine Corps, like three years ago. But since the pandemic, they didn't do my trial for like two years. And then while I was living here doing comedy, I got hit with like $12,000 in bills, and now there's interest in bullshit. So it's been like another two years since then.
Tony Hinchcliffe
$12,000. Where was the DUI at? In Jersey.
Michael Hines
Yeah, in New Jersey.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What part of New Jersey exactly? Jeffrey Ross is our senior New Jersey correspondent here.
Michael Hines
Long Beach Island.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Ah.
Jeffrey Ross
Oh, man, you're going to jail. Jersey. Jersey. That's Jersey shore. Jersey.
Michael Hines
Oh, yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Michael Hines
I knew the cops had arrested me, so I thought I was going to get away with it.
Jeffrey Ross
How'd you know them?
Michael Hines
I used to be an MMA instructor and they were students in the class.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I. A couple things in this interview that's boggling my mind is the fact that you were both a Marine and an MMA institute.
Michael Hines
Used to be in good shape. I've gained 35 pounds since I started doing comedy. Hell.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. Amazing. Tell us how you gained the weight exactly.
Michael Hines
Mostly eating at night. And this is a sad thing to do, man, when you're not on the other side of the microphone, it's. This is a sad place to be a lot of the time.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I don't know if you see, but red band's also on the other side of the microphone. He's also put on 35 pounds on the last three months. It seems like all your problems actually stem from smoking weed, by the way.
Michael Hines
It was an alcohol dui.
Tony Hinchcliffe
No, I mean from the weight in your neighbors, your apartment, you're.
Michael Hines
That's probably true.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How much did you drink the night of your dui? Did you hit something or just.
Michael Hines
No, they just pulled me over because it was 11 o' clock on a Saturday in the summertime in Long beach island, and it's a beach town.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Remind me again, how did the cop know you again?
Michael Hines
I was an MMA instructor in the classes.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And you taught him well?
Michael Hines
I mostly taught the kids, but I helped out during the adult classes. And I used to joke, you could never arrest me if you wanted to. Cause I could beat him up. And turns out he could arrest me.
Chris Celio
Wow.
Michael Hines
He got me.
Jeffrey Ross
Did you say anything to him when it was going down?
Michael Hines
Yeah, you know, I tried to do my best. They put their knee on my neck but you didn't see me complaining. But wow, they were scumbags. Cause once they were trying to book me as fast as I can because I said, we got to get out there and get more people. They were pieces of.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Well, no, you could have killed somebody.
Michael Hines
Well, it was just below the legal limit or just above, rather. It was right there. So I was. We kind of should be allowed.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Right, I see.
Michael Hines
It's an arbitrary number. That's close to it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
But you were smoking weed that night as well.
Michael Hines
No, I waited till I got home. I didn't want to get in more trouble.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Right, you waited till you got home so you could blow it in the neighbor's vent.
Michael Hines
That is true. Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right, Michael Hines, anything else crazy we should know about before I get you out of here?
Michael Hines
No, not really.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right. Perfect.
Michael Hines
Oh, yeah.
Jeffrey Ross
This shows what people dedicate of their lives to be comedians. This guy was an in shape MMA instructor. Probably got tons of, you know, chicks and had a great life. But you're like, I have to express myself on stage.
Michael Hines
Yeah, I know. Come on, at least give me a big joke book. I did.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Well, didn't you get one last time?
Michael Hines
Yeah, but I wrote in it. I write all the time.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You filled it up?
Michael Hines
Yeah. Dude, you hear how much I write?
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right. Geez Louise, Here you go. This guy's gonna sell it. Find that joke book on ebay in a couple weeks. This guy's 18 grand in debt. Handmade joke books by the Great bonsai. Available at killmerch.com Howdy Cal folk. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. Talkspace is the number one rated online therapy, bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatrists that you can access anytime, anywhere. It's easy to get started. You can easily sign up online and get paired with a licensed provider, typically within 48 hours. You can take your appointments from the comfort and privacy of your own home. And you can even talk it out between sessions by sending text messages to your therapist. Unlike other telehealth companies, psychiatry is available through talk space, so you can get the medication you need to supplement your talk therapy if needed. Talk space makes getting the help you need easy, accessible, and affordable. Plus, most insured members have a zero dollar copay. I'm gonna let my man Red Band tell you about why he loves Talkspace. Tony, I fancy me some talk space.
Chris Celio
They're providing some of the best mental health treatment out there, and therapy has led for me some real moments of transformation.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I've really noticed it ever since you started using them. It's been amazing. And as a listener of this podcast, you'll get 80 off your first month with Talk Space when you go to talkspace.comtony and enter promo code space8.0. That's S, P, A, C, E80. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to talkspace.comtony and our promo code space80 right now. Do it. Support the show. Hello.
Dedrick Flynn
Oh.
Tony Hinchcliffe
This podcast is sponsored by Into Cloud. You know, when some comedians bomb so hard, the whole room goes silent? Getting a little buzz might be the only thing that makes that experience funny. And I'm not talking about beer or wine. And if you're settling in to watch the best live podcast on the planet, Into Cloud makes it even better. Into Cloud is a fully legal online cannabis dispensary for gummies, exotic flower, premium pre ro and zero sugar THC sodas, red Bam. Tony. I love Into Cloud.
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Katie Carter
I got groomed when I was in high school. Groomed, not molested, because I've never been much of a closer. So I told a comic this recently. He was like, oh, was the guy, like, a real pedophile or did you just, like, develop early? Yeah, that's like saying, was the guy a real pedophile or were you, like, a really sexy kid? And I was. So you guys get it. I read a statistic that 20% of pedophiles have erectile dysfunction, which is crazy to imagine being a pedophile and working so hard all day to get a kid to come into your van. And then you finally do and you have to be like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. This never happens to me. Please don't tell your parents about this part specifically. This is humiliating and the kid has to console you. He's like, no, this probably just because you had, like, too much of the Eucharist or whatever. So.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. Right on the money. Exactly a minute from Katie Carter. Welcome to the show, Katie. How long you been on stand up?
Katie Carter
Two years.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Where at?
Katie Carter
Denver.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Nice. You still live there?
Katie Carter
Nope, just moved here.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Sweet. How long ago?
Katie Carter
Like three months.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Awesome. Absolutely incredible. Do you have, like a day job or something?
Katie Carter
It's like dumb chick shit.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Nice.
Katie Carter
Not only fans. I have, like a marketing job, but it's boring. It's. Comedy is the real goal.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay.
Vanessa Scaduto
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Very cool. And you get on stage a lot around Austin? There's a lot.
Katie Carter
Yeah. I'm trying to get, like six and
Tony Hinchcliffe
seven nights a week.
Martin Phillips
Cool.
Victoria Lang
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Amazing. What do you do, like, for hobbies
Katie Carter
and stuff, you know, more dumb chick shit, I guess. I just. Yeah, like running and fucking, jerking off, all that stuff.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, I love that. Incredible red man.
Katie Carter
I thought you'd like that.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Katie Carter
Give you some material for later.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You're definitely doing the secret show on Thursday, so congratulations. Let me be the first to tell you. I'll still let him do it at the end and everything. It'll be great. You'll be real surprised.
Katie Carter
That's why I did the show.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I mean, it's just incredible. Jeff Ross, are we going to.
Jeffrey Ross
I like that you're all your jokes were, like, connected. Like, you weren't doing random shit. You came up here with an act.
Katie Carter
Thanks. Hey.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Katie Carter
Bars low. I appreciate it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Stayed on topic. Stayed in the pocket. Incredible. Katie, what else is going on in life?
Katie Carter
Just moved here. It's cool. You guys have a different. You have a pretty crazy homeless situation here. It's a lot different than Denver. It's cool.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, it is. It is a little. Again, it's very concentrated like here.
Katie Carter
Yeah, well, it's different. Like in Denver, if someone, like, asks you, like, like to get them something from a gas station, you're, like, legally required by Joe Biden to do it, you know? But here, you can just say no and shoot them. So it's awesome.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It is. It is very awesome. We take full advantage of that.
Jeffrey Ross
Tony's like, there's only homeless people right here in this neighborhood. Not in my 18th floor penthouse. Yeah, there's no. It's like. It's only certain places I do. Not in my hot tub. Although there probably has been homeless people in your house.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Hey, we have some wild nights here in Austin. No doubt about it. Maggie has to wash off every once in a while. The lovely Maggie. Available at 5th and the alleyway between Nueces and Rio Grande. No, it kind of is, though. I mean that like there's like a. There's like a four or five blocks. Pretty much the street. Yeah. And. And they know, you know, it's like the tourists. It's kind of like Hollywood and Highland in. In LA or all of New York City. You know what I mean?
Jeffrey Ross
This is the worst plug for the mothership.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Well, it is true. There was a psychotic liberal mayor, I guess, like six years ago that built a homeless shelter right here on 6th Street, 7th street, and wherever the creek and the cave is. So like kind of in the middle of all the comedy clubs, there's just homeless people and then there's homeless comedians and there's comedians that have. Have four bedrooms and whatever. What's your living situation? You live by yourself?
Katie Carter
You just done an underpass on I. No, I'm kidding. No, yeah, I live alone. It's super cool. Thinking about doing h here soon, so we'll see.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Doing what?
Katie Carter
Heroin.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, nice. Very good. But you have like a normal girl setup. You have like that fluffy white plain comforter and like, you know.
Katie Carter
Yeah, Yep. Red man's gonna think about it later.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. Oh, yeah, he's thinking about it right now. Oh, he's got something to say. Look at this. What kind of post posters or paintings
Chris Celio
you have on your wall?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Posters. Yeah, they have posters. You could tell this guy fantasizes about a lot of 12 year olds over here. Yeah, My Little Pony.
Katie Carter
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Do you have any art?
Katie Carter
Do I have any art?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. Do you have art hanging on your walls?
Katie Carter
You know, honestly, right now, no. It's kind of sociopathic, but. So sorry. I can put up some hello Kitty posters if you want. If that would just finish or whatever.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You just have. You just have like one of those like standup mirrors that you got off Amazon or something.
Katie Carter
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the one from Target that makes you have body dysmorphia. Keeps me going, you know.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Absolutely incredible. Jeffrey Ross.
Jeffrey Ross
Tony has. Tony has like Tom Brady quotes hanging up at his house.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I love that you think that Theodore Roosevelt quote is a Tom Brady quote,
Jeffrey Ross
because I get it. The man in the arena. But I tried to. I wanted to make it funny. It's inspiring.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It's very inspiring.
Jeffrey Ross
Every few weeks, every few months, Tony sends me the great Theodore Roosevelt poem. The man in the arena.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It is true. It is true.
Jeffrey Ross
It's inspiring.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It really is.
Aaron Spaller
You ever had Hitachi?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, my God. Red band. You're not allowed to. Every time there's a pretty girl on, you're not allowed to ask them disgusting questions like that. It's wrong and it doesn't represent what the show is. Do you have a doi.
Katie Carter
Wait, what is that?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, it's nothing. It's a television brand. Anyway, Katie Carter, will you tell me
Katie Carter
on the secret show later, what kind
Tony Hinchcliffe
of car do you have?
Katie Carter
What kind of car do I drive? What kind of car do you think I drive?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Kia.
Katie Carter
Okay. You think I'm a.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's fair.
Katie Carter
No, I drive a Hyundai Elantra.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That was the next guess. That's basically slightly better than ikea.
Katie Carter
Think I'm poor, Tony?
Tony Hinchcliffe
I mean, probably. Yeah, very likely.
Eric Biggs
Timmy.
Chris Celio
No break breaks jacket.
Tony Hinchcliffe
They actually call me.
Katie Carter
They call me Timmy. No tits is my nickname around here.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Hell yeah. That's unfortunate. Katie, you are a true comedian. I see nothing but wild success in your future, Red band. Pretend like you're thinking about it. Here's the thing. On the secret show. You did it. Awesome stuff, Katie Carter. Awesome. You're a dirty boy, Brian Redband. You're a naughty, naughty, dirty boy. We have another golden ticket winner, ladies and gentlemen. It is that time to bring him out. He is incredible. You're gonna love him. He's blind. Put your hands together for Chris Celio, everybody. Here we go.
Chris Celio
Shit, is she even hot? I fucking can't wait for robot eyes. God damn it. I miss tits so much. Elon Musk keeps telling me he's going to put a computer chip in my brain that'll let me see again. It's fucking crazy. He calls it Neuralink. But he says the first version of it is gonna look like old school Atari video game graphics. That's not an upgrade. I finally get to see tits in their squares. I get to go to a strip club and it looks like Super Mario World in there, man. I don't want Pong pussy. You know, I'll wait for Tomb Raider titties at least. Dude, people are so mad at Elon that they were breaking and vandalizing Teslas. That's so fucked up. Because the coolest part about a Tesla is that one day I'll be able to buy one and drive it home. It'll be the happiest day of my life. Somebody will immediately spray paint Nazi piece of shit on it. That's fucked up. I'm not even gonna know. I'm just Gonna drive around for two weeks like the happiest Nazi in the
Tony Hinchcliffe
world, like this,
Chris Celio
this smiling skinhead piece
Tony Hinchcliffe
of shit
Chris Celio
blaring Kanye west out my speakers like I didn't even know there was a problem, dude.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Fuck yes. A true golden ticket winner. Chris Celio has done it again. Another brand new minute. Amazing stuff, Chris. I notice an amazing, amazing quality of yours is you always have a great opening line that feels organic, and then you ride your own wave of momentum that you build. Is she even hot? With Heidi? I hope this is real, is what you said. Your first appearance on the show, and immediately I fell in love with you because obviously you could be anywhere and it could be. It could be a bunch of people pranking you and it's just so darn funny. For a guy that's blind, you hit it right on the nose every time. It is incredible, Chris, how's life going?
Chris Celio
It's going good, man. Just did mushrooms at south by Southwest and listen to bands.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. What were the visuals like?
Chris Celio
God, I wish. Dude, give me one color. I would love anything right now, dude. It's as black as deed.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. Incredible. Amazing, Amazing. So what was the band? What, you took mushrooms and you saw or heard what?
Chris Celio
We just. Yeah, I do say I saw a thing all the time. Yeah, no, I. We just popped around random spots. Like, I didn't even know. I was just like, this is the best band I've ever seen, dude. Yeah, don't know their name at all.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Amazing. Amazing. That was at a festival, would you say?
Chris Celio
South by Southwest? Just like random bars around town.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It was cool, Very cool, very cool.
Chris Celio
A lady. A lady just was dancing with me and just was like, here, I'll put you in a better spot. And then just put me right next to a speaker and almost killed me. I was like, holy shit, you're gonna ruin my life.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Amazing.
Chris Celio
I can't handle that.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Amazing. Chris, tell us more about what it's like being blind in this crazy world that we're living in. Or anything at all. I mean, it doesn't have to be about being blind, but.
Chris Celio
No, no, it's good. It's like, it's a lot of fun. I was dancing with this girl at this last festival that I didn't even know was there. And then she started trying to take off my sunglasses.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, shit.
Chris Celio
And I was like, no, no, no.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Right?
Chris Celio
You don't want to see those on the drugs you're on.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah,
Chris Celio
These are bad. Bye. Byes, you know?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Amazing. Chris, how do you know when you're
Chris Celio
done wiping God damn it, dude.
Tony Hinchcliffe
God damn. Redback. Our senior wiping correspondent, Brian Redband asking the tough questions here today.
Chris Celio
Give me a bidet sponsorship.
Jeffrey Ross
All right,
Tony Hinchcliffe
it is a tough question,
Chris Celio
but are me and D Madness going to do a ladders match at WrestleMania?
Tony Hinchcliffe
That would be absolutely incredible. That would be incredible. Chris, have you. Do you ever go on dates or anything like that?
Chris Celio
No, I don't. Like, it's hard. It's hard meeting girls. Like, the apps are just like, picture, picture, picture. Yeah, it'll like, read me their bios. Girls bios suck. It's like Puerto Rican flag, Mexican flag. It's like they're listing their dog breed, you know.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow.
Chris Celio
Only when I, like, bump into girls in the world, I'm like, oh, it was amazing.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And remind us, how long have you been blind?
Chris Celio
It's been like 10 years now.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. And you had, like, you had, like, easily detachable retinas.
Chris Celio
Super easily detachable retinas.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And it kind of happened before and then it went all the way off.
Chris Celio
Yeah, yeah. I had like, one eye that, like, they had to remove because I just had like four retinal detachments and like a ton of like, super painful surgeries.
Tony Hinchcliffe
But you did see for a while.
Chris Celio
18. Till I was 18.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. So even when you take drugs now, like you did at the festival, say, you really don't see anything?
Chris Celio
Yeah, I don't get any visuals. I think my imagination is shit.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It's now dumber. What?
Jeffrey Ross
What the.
Chris Celio
What the fuck was that? Dude?
Tony Hinchcliffe
I don't know what that was. That was not redbay. That wasn't redbay. That was a J. John D's keys over there. So, okay, so there's no visuals, but you do have just. You only have your memory before 18.
Chris Celio
Yeah, yeah. Like, I can still see in my dreams, you know, like.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Ah, that's interesting.
Chris Celio
Yeah, but it's all I saw before I went blind.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Right?
Chris Celio
So it's like every night my dreams are the world's shittiest 90s sitcom. Like Blind Meets World or like Fresh Prince of Blindness. That one's weird.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Can you.
Chris Celio
I'm black.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Can you take us through? Can you, for example, just like, take us through. Like, the most recent dream doesn't have to necessarily be funny, but then it's a 90s sitcom. What. What is like, the most recent dream that you remember?
Chris Celio
I'll have, like, stand up dreams about, like, you know, doing comedy. And every time it'll just be like, me doing comedy. And then I think back when I wake up and I'm like, that was my lunchroom.
Davey Wester
Whoa.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You hear that? It really is a 90s sitcom. Didn't work as good as I thought it would.
Chris Celio
Yeah, I'll just be, like, running away from, like, monsters, and it's just, like a hallway that I knew from fucking ten years ago.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Damn. That's incredible, Chris. All right, well, anything else crazy we should know about before we let you go, Chris?
Chris Celio
No. Thank you guys so much. You guys rule. Dude, thank you so much.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Hold on, Chris. Stelio, you are the fucking man.
Jeffrey Ross
Chris.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, check her out. Hold on. On.
Chris Celio
Yeah, sorry, Jeff Ross is here.
Dedrick Flynn
Hold on.
Chris Celio
Dude, I didn't even get to talk to Jeff Ross.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, let's talk with Jeff Ross.
Chris Celio
Was he hiding from me? Why is he hiding from me? Jeff Ross, you look like
Jeffrey Ross
the one guy who came roast me. I love this.
Chris Celio
No, dude, you. You sound like a Sesame street semi.
Jeffrey Ross
I think I get it.
Chris Celio
I. Yeah.
Jeffrey Ross
Chris, what's your last name?
Chris Celio
Sileo.
Jeffrey Ross
I'm gonna remember you. How long have you been doing stand up?
Chris Celio
Like, 10 years.
Jeffrey Ross
So about the time this happened to you, you decided I need to channel it into something artistic?
Chris Celio
Yeah. Yeah. I was, like, figuring out what I want to do. Like, I was like, first semester of college and when I went blind, so obviously I dropped out of that. And then I was like, what can I do? And I was just listening to all you guys on podcasts, and I was like, I had always wanted to be a standup, and I was like, this seems like, like something I could do with minimal effort, you know, like, just me and a microphone seems like. Right. A perfect amount of work for me, you know?
Jeffrey Ross
Yeah. But you came out. Your minute was, like, killer. That wasn't the first time you did that minute. It was the first time you did it here. You've been working.
Chris Celio
Yeah, I worked.
Jeffrey Ross
I can feel that. And I think you're a really good joke writer.
Chris Celio
Thank you so much.
Jeffrey Ross
And I was wondering what color your shirt is.
Chris Celio
God damn it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Dude.
Chris Celio
What? A Tesla will always fail.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You are awesome.
Jeffrey Ross
Give it up for Chris.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Chris Celia. Ladies and gentlemen, a true golden ticket winner has done it again. Absolutely incredible. Where is Daredevil? I'm right here. Don't miss the return of Marvel Television's Daredevil Born again. So what's next?
Davey Wester
I feel liberated.
Jeffrey Ross
We're going to take this city back. Although in an all new season now
Tony Hinchcliffe
streaming only on Disney plus. They're hunting us. It's time we started hunting them.
Michael Hines
I can work with them.
Victoria Lang
This should be tons of fun.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Marvel Television's Daredevil Born again. Now streaming only on Disney+K.
Vanessa Scaduto
Pop demon hunters, Haja Boy's Breakfast Meal and Hunt Tricks Meal have just dropped at McDonald's. They're calling this a battle for the fans. What do you say to that? Is that Rumi?
Katie Carter
It's not a battle.
Victoria Lang
So glad the Saja Boys could take breakfast and give our meal the rest of the day.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It is an honor to share. No, it's our honor. It is our larger honor. No, really, stop. You can really feel the respect in this battle.
Vanessa Scaduto
Pick a meal to pick a side
Tony Hinchcliffe
and participate in McDonald's while supplies last. You guys having fun out there? If anybody wants the dried paintbrushes autographed, he's going to the restroom right now. The lucky hallway has a chance. All right, your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Michael Scott, everybody. We're gonna keep it moving with the stylings of Michael Scott. Here he is.
Michael Scott
I got a Roomba recently.
Tony Hinchcliffe
He's black.
Michael Scott
He cleans my house.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It's a sweet deal.
Dedrick Flynn
What is?
Michael Scott
The black base model for every object that's supposed to improve our lives. Why is it always black? I gave mine a pair of white gloves and a bow tie. I push clean on him and he goes up and down the hose.
Jeffrey Ross
Mm hmm.
Michael Scott
Mess will keep my batteries charged. The other day I hit clean on Toby. Oh, oh, his name is Toby? I couldn't name him Kunta. My mom comes over, I'm like, watch your feet. Kunta's trying to get by. So the other day I hit clean on Toby. He goes towards the end of the hall and he's cleaning and he starts beeping and goes back to recharge his batteries. And I nearly spilt my sweet tea. I get up and I go, the hell you will.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Nobody said you could take a break.
Michael Scott
So I got up and I watched him clean my house until he died. And when he died, I bought a new one at an auction for 3/5 the price of one of those black ones.
Dedrick Flynn
Wow.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Michael, stop pushing it to the limit of time with an incredibly racist set that only you could do. Only me. Amazing. You could can get away with it. Yeah, Incredible. Remind us all, Michael, how long you been on stand up?
Michael Scott
Nine years, four months.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Nine years and four months. Amazing. And most of that here in Austin? No.
Michael Scott
Bakersfield, California? A little bit in Fresno. I moved here December 30th of 23.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay, awesome. What do you do for a day job?
Michael Scott
I got fired from one, but I still have a valet job job.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You're working ballet too? This is the official show of valet drivers.
Michael Scott
I've gotten a lot of comics hired, like, quite a few.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay.
Michael Scott
You called Aaron McFerson earlier. He didn't get up here in time. I got him a job there. But I noticed you called a different Aaron right after, and I thought that was funny. You called a white Aaron?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, I pulled names out of him.
Davey Wester
Yeah.
Dedrick Flynn
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
No, it was like.
Michael Scott
Yeah, I know it wasn't you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And I don't know what happened to him. I didn't actually call him. I hand off the piece of paper, and if they're not, like, where they're supposed to be or whatever, then I have to pull another name. I know it's not. It's not like, rocket science or anything crazy. I know there's a lot of. There's a lot of conspiracies about this bucket, but it's fair. Pieces of paper. Oh, there's D Madness, everybody. Peekaboo. Your Roomba just came back. So, Michael Scott, tell us more about your life. What else is going on? Your Roomba plays a hell of a base. I got to tell. It is absolutely incredible.
Michael Scott
Did somebody tell him I was black backstage? And then he came. Oh, I got to make it back for this one. Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I don't know what's going on in life, Michael.
Michael Scott
In life?
Eric Biggs
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You have a girlfriend?
Michael Scott
No, no, I'm.
Tony Hinchcliffe
When's the last time you went on a date?
Michael Scott
Let's say three months maybe.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What happened there?
Michael Scott
Not great. Just. I mean, it was all right.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You met her online or something like that. On a.
Aaron Spaller
Dating.
Michael Scott
At a show. Met her, hung out, got messed up,
Tony Hinchcliffe
and you had drinks.
Dedrick Flynn
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And then what? You went back to your place?
Eric McLaughlin
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And then what happened?
Jeffrey Ross
The fucked her.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, wow. What a romantic. What a romantic, man. Straight to insertion.
Aaron Spaller
Yes.
Michael Scott
I was already unbuckling as we were driving now.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Amazing. Amazing. And then you never talked to her again after that?
Dedrick Flynn
No.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Why is that exactly?
Michael Scott
I don't know. It's just. Wasn't feeling it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
This a white girl?
Jeffrey Ross
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay.
Michael Scott
What gave it away?
Tony Hinchcliffe
It could have been anything. I don't know. I wouldn't. I. I wouldn't be surprised about anything. I think you would. Whoever would want to you. Am I correct?
Michael Scott
I think he's right.
Martin Phillips
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Amazing stuff. And you met her at just a regular open mic, Shakespeare. And she came up to you afterwards and was like, what's up? Yeah, okay.
Michael Scott
Yeah, yeah. I've been kind of. I don't know. I. I've been doing comedy, and then people come up to me and Tell me. Talk to me afterwards. Just lately, I'd usually talk to nobody. I just do my thing and leave. Now I'm trying to hang out and make friends.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And you got drunk with this girl at Shakespeare's.
Michael Scott
I was drunk before, but okay. At Shakespeare's and other places, I walked around.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. Very cool. All right. Michael, what kind of car do you drive?
Michael Scott
2019 Chevy Equinox.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Nice. What's the weirdest thing you have in your refrigerator?
Michael Scott
A salmon girl he fucked three months.
Jeffrey Ross
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Wow.
Michael Scott
Yeah, she's thawing out right now.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Michael, let me ask you a question that I asked another valet driver earlier. What's the weirdest thing that you've seen inside of a car that you were valeting at the time?
Michael Scott
Guns? Condoms.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Not in the same car, that's for sure.
Michael Scott
Different.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Different. Nobody. Nobody with guns is using condoms. No way, Jose. That'd be absolutely contradictory to life itself.
Michael Scott
One person parked their car overnight and they had a German shepherd that they left in the car in a crate in the bed, strapped down. He'd come out maybe every four hours and check on it. But it stayed. Yeah, and it was the winter, too. I was very upset about that.
Chris Celio
Was it like a Tesla that had
Tony Hinchcliffe
dog mode on or anything like that?
Michael Scott
No, it was like a Dodge Ram truck.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It was a German. German shepherd. Perhaps it was a Jew trying to get revenge for the Holocaust because it was a German shepherd being kept in a crate inside of a car in a torturous situation. Perhaps it was revenge for the Holocaust. Not. Still not getting the laugh I think it deserves. Can't really plan to do a joke like that. It has to just be served up in the air. You only have one chance at it. I guess that was my chance. And it's yet still not really connecting the way that I was hoping it was because it was because the Jews were held captive by the Germans in very tight quarters. Very tough situation. You said it was during the winter time. Yeah, yeah. Really doesn't get much more spot on than that. Thank you. There it is. There it is, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. We only get to laugh at good Holocaust jokes while Jeff's going pee. So that was. That was our one chance. I'm kidding. Michael Scott. Fun times. Yeah. You know, tremendously racist set. That's why you're leaving here with a big joke. Michael, I'd love to have you on the secret show, brother.
Chris Celio
Thank you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Thank you, Tony. There he goes. Michael Scott. We're having a good old time here tonight. There he Is. I knew it. I.
Jeffrey Ross
We.
Tony Hinchcliffe
We're right on time. I didn't want you to miss this guy. Ladies and gentlemen, your next set, your next bucket pool. Goes by the name of Eric Bigs, everybody. We're going to watch them all.
Eric Biggs
What's going on, Austin? I think too many people in this town, especially men, go to counseling. I don't like it. I'm Midwestern. I'm very Midwestern. I'm so Midwestern. I don't believe in counseling. I believe in binge drinking. All right? You shouldn't be talking to strangers. You should be having a problem in a garage with your friends. So because I love scamming white people, I'm always down for that. I do think I'm gonna start the Midwestern counseling service. That's how I'm gonna go and reinvent counseling. What it's gonna be is you're gonna come over to my garage, hang out with me, drink my beer, work on my car. It's a Pontiac. You can't be sad working on a Pontiac. That's illegal.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right, guys?
Eric Biggs
That's what freedom is all about. And then we're just gonna talk and get drunk all night long, have a good time. And maybe as the night goes, you'll start to open up and tell me about the woes of your life. Then you'll look me in the eyes and be like, yeah, it got hard when dad died. I'll look you dead in the eyes. I'll turn up the radio and say, shut up, pussy. We'll move on. All right, I've been Eric Biggs.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay.
Jeffrey Ross
Is it okay if I go to the bathroom again?
Eric Biggs
That's fair.
Michael Hines
That's fair.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Eric Biggs. I see why. I see why Jay didn't let you talk in all those movies. Yeah, yeah.
Eric Biggs
I kept trying. He said no.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. Eric, how long have you been attempting stand up comedy?
Eric Biggs
Six years of attempting, Tony. It's been.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Damn. Six years. What happened here? That's just a new minute. A tough minute.
Eric Biggs
Yeah, I don't know, it's been. It's been kind of working. I've been trying it around, but it did not work. It did not work.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Six years. Where at?
Eric Biggs
Mostly Missouri. I started off in Columbia, Missouri.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And then. Where else have you been?
Eric Biggs
Been here ever since then. Been down here about three years.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Three years. Okay, here's what I'm gonna do. Because, Eric, I'm telling you, I see it in you, dude. Look at you. You're built like a snowman.
Michael Hines
I am.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You are.
Chris Celio
Just.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You have a Beautiful round head. You have a round body.
Jeffrey Ross
It's built like a snow globe.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I think for.
Eric Biggs
I'd never have a carrot in my mouth.
Michael Hines
All right.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I think you could. They don't have it in that. That's their nose. That's their nose there. That's.
Jeffrey Ross
I love your, like, super confidence with no talent at all. It's, like, amazing.
Eric Biggs
That's what the Midwest is.
Jeffrey Ross
I love it.
Eric Biggs
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What do you do for a living, Eric?
Eric Biggs
I'm an insurance salesman. It's the only thing that can be worse than sucking a comedy, you know?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Eric Biggs
You do this, you do that all day and you go, you know what? I can eat on stage in front of people that can't be anywhere.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I just think that Pontiac thing for some reason. Did you, did you, did you write that in Missouri?
Eric Biggs
No, I wrote that down here.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right.
Eric Biggs
Sorry.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I'm really.
Eric Biggs
He gave me an out. He said, take it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I'm gonna. I'm still, I still. And I might be wrong, but, Eric, I, I. There's something behind those eyes. I think you can do better than that. I'm going to give you one more minute. Do a totally different minute. You got it right. You've been doing this six years. You must have a second minute. Whatever you think your best minute is, because I'm positive this is the only time that you've been in front of millions of viewers right now. No, it's, it's better than where this was going.
Eric Biggs
Yeah, that's fair. That's fair.
Jeffrey Ross
Topics.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. What. What are some of your bits?
Jeffrey Ross
And we'll tell you what are your.
Eric Biggs
I got some stuff about marriage.
Michael Hines
I don't know.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Have you been married?
Eric Biggs
Yes, sir. I'm married right now.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You know what? Just run. Just get right into it. Ladies and gentlemen, one more time. Reese, we're gonna start the talk. One minute from Eric Biggs, everybody.
Eric Biggs
Yeah, I, I just celebrated my one year wedding anniversary. Yes, it's. It's very nice. It's nice knowing you and still trick white women into making bad decisions. Like, my wife looked me dead in the eyes and said, our lower credit score sounds great. Who doesn't want to live in a house that has wheels on it? That sounds fun. You know, the worst part about it is, is I got married young. So you get a lot of bad advice whenever you get married young. Like, have you ever just been about to blackout at a bar? You just have some old guy sitting next to you and he goes, don't do it. Don't get fucking married. She'll Fucking take everything. You just gotta look at him and go, I live in a trailer. I have nothing. Nothing can be taken. You can't split shit in half.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay, perfect. It was better. That was better than your first minute. Makes me wonder if I gave you another minute, if that would be better than that minute. So you live in a trailer?
Eric Biggs
No, sir.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Did you in Missouri?
Eric Biggs
No, no. My parents were way too successful for my life to have turned out this way.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. Incredible. What do your parents do for work it.
Eric Biggs
And a school teacher. Middle school.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Amazing. Amazing. And what do they think about you attempting stand up comedy?
Eric Biggs
Oh, they wish I made different decisions.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Did they like that you're an insurance salesman?
Eric Biggs
Yeah, yeah. My mom every time goes, it's okay, you can back out. None of them know you do this. It's okay.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Hell yeah. All right. And so what else about you, Eric? What would we find interesting about your entire life? Because you're not really white trash, but you're from Missouri. You're kind of like a. Kind of like a. You were. You have an American Pie kind of family.
Eric Biggs
Yeah. Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
But yet you kind of dress like jelly roll.
Eric Biggs
Well, yeah. Yeah. This is what happens whenever you go to a bass pro and go, yeah, that looks classy, you know?
Katie Carter
Know.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, yeah.
Eric Biggs
A 35T shirt will look cool on stage, you know?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. You know, you could buy a pair of overalls at the same price. Well, I didn't know that until tonight.
Jeffrey Ross
What was it? Jay and Silent Blob?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. Yeah. So what else about your life? You ever have anything crazy happen? You good at any. You have any other special skills or talents? You seem like the kind of guy that like wins at like a vape competition or something.
Eric Biggs
Oh, no, no. I smoke cigarettes like an adult. I'd never vape. What am I, a coward? Pussy? No. I don't know. I think I got into comedy. Cause usually everyone comes from a broken home. Or your dad beat the shit out of you or whatever. I didn't have that. I had a very normal family. I even had my brother. Very cool, very supportive. I think that he saw I wanted to be a comedian, so he decided, I'm gonna give this kid some trauma. So he died in a drunk driving accident to just really get me going down the road.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Party. All love a dead brother. Drunk driving story.
Jeffrey Ross
A lot of.
Tony Hinchcliffe
A lot of tales of drunken driving here tonight. A reminder, we do not endorse that in the kil Tony universe. Do not drink and drive. Absolutely. All right.
Jeffrey Ross
You eat and drive.
Eric Biggs
Yeah.
Michael Hines
Okay.
Jeffrey Ross
Seems it would be equally as dangerous.
Eric Biggs
Yeah, it's a problem that black out a couple times.
Aaron Spaller
Hell yeah.
Eric Biggs
See the Pete's Harry lights and you're
Tony Hinchcliffe
like, I gotta go. All right.
Eric Biggs
I'm on my way home.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right, Eric, we're gonna keep it moving. Fun times. Sign up again. Keep writing, prove your parents wrong, and maybe take your time a little bit more. Don't try to squeeze it all in. Take your time so that people understand you and stuff. You speak perfect English, but you. You talk a little fast and words get together and then. You know what I mean? Like, take it a little bit.
Jeffrey Ross
You're right. You're absolutely right. That's good advice. And also, I like that he reset and did a whole another minute.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, you did it good. Y. Eric Biggs.
Katie Carter
All right, you're here. But are you here here? You go to Hawaii in your head all the time during meetings in the car.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Hawaii is on the mind.
Katie Carter
But when you're ready to go, there's Expedia, the one place you go to go places. Flights, hotels, vacation homes, cars. You can save when you bundle or book as you go and still save.
Tony Hinchcliffe
So what are you waiting for?
Katie Carter
Expedia, the one place you go to go places. Members only.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Savings vary. With Sam's Club, you have the freedom to shop your own way. Curbside pickup delivered to your doorstep. Come in and grab it yourself. Yes, yes, yes. They've got plenty of options. Your call. Say yes to shopping the way you want. Join now@samsclub.com yes, and you must be 18 years or older to purchase a membership, and membership is subject to qualifications. Visit samsclub.com yes, and for details. Oh, my goodness. This is one of those special moments where someone very talented signed up for the show. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy. I. I mean, I. I grew up in comedy with him. We were door guys together at the Comedy Store. He's been a paid regular at the Comedy Store longer than I have. Ladies and gentlemen, it's a very cerebral palsy episode of Kill. Tony. We already had Martin Phillips, but this is the OG from the Comedy Store, now lives in Austin, one of the funniest people out there. Make some noise for Davey Wester, everybody. Davey Wester. Make some noise for my pal, dude.
Michael Hines
Yeah.
Davey Wester
You guys have had rednecks and cerebral palsy people. You've never had it blended together. You fucking cocksuckers. Some of you assholes are gonna ask me how to spell it, but I don't know shit about cerebral palsy, so I'll just make up shit. They'll Be like, what is cerebral palsy? I'll tell you. It's superpowers and large tallywacker cocksucker. That's people. You know, like when people ask me how to spell it? Cause everybody's inquisitive as fuck. Does it look like I ever want a fucking spelling bee ever in my lifetime? I went to alternative high school. We had lawn mowing as a course. Fucking dickhead. Because they knew I was gonna fucking go to court sometime in my life. I don't know, man. Like, some of you have jobs that you dream about hitting a telephone pole as you go to work. You're like, man, I got six days of pto, and I could just take this fucking light pole right now if I have to talk to Al one more time about his mental health.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Him. Keep going, Davey. Just keep going for a bit. Keep going.
Davey Wester
Yeah, I'm gonna keep going.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Just keep going.
Davey Wester
You know how you know it's a shitty job when they tell you it's, like, your family? I avoid my family. My uncle is king tweaker that steals kid bikes on Tuesday. All right. If you ever talk to my uncle with a Batman rv and you be like, hey, Dave, why don't you get your life together? He'll tell you he's fighting capitalism. And I think Batman lost that cause he's fucking homeless. That's just. You want me to do some more time or. Yeah. I don't know, man. Like. And where I grew up, people didn't really know I had cerebral palsy because I'm from a town where people watch parallel parking.
Michael Hines
And.
Davey Wester
Yeah,
Tony Hinchcliffe
that's.
Davey Wester
I mean, one of my best friends didn't know I had cerebral palsy till she came to a comedy show. She goes, amy, I didn't know you had cerebral palsy. I was like, shannon, what do you think I had? She goes, I thought you just didn't tie your shoes tight enough. That's.
Jeffrey Ross
David. You killed tonight, man.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You killed today. Oh, my God.
Davey Wester
What's up, boys?
Tony Hinchcliffe
I love it.
Jeffrey Ross
See you, my man. Good to see you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
This is what I love about this show, is that sometimes you pull out someone that's real white trash.
Davey Wester
Like, the fucking assholes went to Bass Pro. I heard that little fucking. I wanted to fight him, Tony. Don't take my 77 Fleetwood away from me, you son of a bitch.
Jeffrey Ross
Like, I feel like cerebral palsy is, like, number one, number eight on the list of shit that's fucked up about you. Like.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, it's not even a bit, right?
Davey Wester
Yeah, there's A lot of up shit about me right now. That's why I'm on probation right now.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You are? Yeah.
Davey Wester
Well, so I decided to get. I was up in Minnesota and I like, I went to go sit in my car cause I little drunk and then I had nine cops arrest me. And like, when you're getting arrested, Jeff, don't have the fuck it button in your head. Because I had a pocket full of mushrooms in my pocket and I decided I was gonna eat them right in front of the fucking cop. If I'm going to detox, I'm going in there high. That's.
Jeffrey Ross
Might as well enjoy it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. This is a master class with Davey Wester. Look, Davey, you have your buttons mismatched. Oh, yeah. That is incredible.
Davey Wester
You go fuck your AI robot.
Tony Hinchcliffe
This is the Western Midnight. She's Korean, you racist.
Davey Wester
Can you get me two golden tickets? Cause Ari, Matty, if I get that, he'll take me to the wellness clinic and fucking help me out. Like, I won't have cerebral pals anymore. I'd just be a downsy son bitch. Or
Tony Hinchcliffe
I don't think there's enough. Enough stem cells in the world to balance you out, baby.
Davey Wester
No, I get you. I get you. I like seeing blind people. I don't trust you.
Jeffrey Ross
But.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Davey, you are on fire. What I love. I mean, I love Davey Wester. I mean, this guy was one of the door guys at the Comedy Store when I got was.
Davey Wester
They had. Had crippled people, dude.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, exactly. It's a testament to the times. This comedy store in 2007 was a dark, dark place with a lot of very pessimistic, negative people. And you were roommates with a lot of them. And you.
Davey Wester
Oh, please don't like. Yeah. Oh, you want to talk about cokehead? Okay.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Like, I mean, the. The. The crew was absolutely insane that you literally lived with. And meanwhile, you were always funny somehow. You were almost always positive and optimistic in a very, very dark time. And it meant the world to me. And the guys that I started with that were in our extremely early 20s, starting out there, we always looked up to, believe it or not, we looked up to Davey.
Davey Wester
That's a sad state of affairs when I'm a hero.
Tony Hinchcliffe
But here in Austin, you're absolutely thriving. You got out of LA and you've like kind of become a rock star here in Austin. People are able to find you and see you and you're selling tickets and stuff. Tell us more about your life here in Texas.
Davey Wester
Well, me and Holtzman went to a rodeo.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, my God. Can you imagine if, even if there weren't bulls there, I would go to the rodeo just. Just to see what you and Holtzman were doing together. Well, it started off, what could go wrong? That's like O.J. and Cosby sharing a cell together.
Davey Wester
Yeah, well, he went to the wrong place. He thought my apartment was this abortion clinic, because that's what. And then he. I don't know. It was just crazy. Holtzman bought a bunch of shit, yelled at me a bunch. He told me. He yelled at me for not having a handicap placard that I carry around.
Tony Hinchcliffe
He thought he was going to good parking. Yeah, that's why he brought you. Oh, my God.
Dedrick Flynn
Bring it.
Davey Wester
Everywhere we went, he goes, I have a handicap. I have a handicap.
Chris Celio
My God.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, my God. I almost fainted just then. Oh, God. I really picked. You're not. Tell these people. It's just so that you know why I'm laughing so hard. Tell them you're not kidding. I know you're not kidding.
Davey Wester
No, there's. All these stories are true, so you can. You can look it up, go to Ephra, Washington, and you'll be like, oh, this is the. What they look like. Just so you understand, Drew Mickens is from my area, too, so.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yes, that is true. Anytime I see somebody and I've blown a few people's minds like this, I'll be like, where are you from from? They're like, the state of Washington. And if I notice if their eyes are ever not aligned, like, if they have one eye here and one eye there, I'll be like, you're from near Euphrate. And they're like, how do you know that? It always blows their minds, but they just have to keep an eye on offset eyes from Washington.
Davey Wester
Yeah. You just have to, like. You have to understand there's a nuclear plant. Okay.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. I love it, Davey. I mean, you are just one of my favorite types of stories because, you know, you're not an actor, you're not a writer, you're not a this. You're not a sketch. You're not. You're not trying all these things. You're a pure standup comedian, the kind of guy that I just love to drink with and hang out with and whatever. You know what I mean? It's.
Davey Wester
Eat mushrooms.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Well, maybe I don't think I could eat mushrooms with you, Davey. I kind of. I'm very. I'm high. Highly. I'm highly sensitive already. The buttons thing alone would me up the entire time. First thing I would do is I'd Be like, davey, get over here. Let me fix this for you.
Chris Celio
Take off his clothes.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I got. I got a pair of overalls. It was very cheap.
Davey Wester
No, I. I tried the overall thing. That didn't really work out for me.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What happened? Well, yeah, when you don't button those correctly, everything thing comes out.
Davey Wester
Yeah. And I'm fine with that.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Davey, if you're in town, I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday. You are the man, Davey Wester. And now the world knows about it. So cool that you signed up for this show. Amazing. What an honor that you signed up for my crazy show. One more time for Davey Wester, everybody. It's been doing comedy, like, at least 20 years. One of the first people I ever met in la. He's the man. He's the man. The original. The original cerebral palsy, super powerful comedian cleanser Heidi's. Yeah, the. The sage of the room to get your penises out from inside of you. After staring at Davey Wester for 10 minutes, here's the lovely Heidi here to reset your testosterone levels. Everybody go to heidy regina.com. it's all good. Oh, you got it. Okay, there's a 50. 50 shot at it. How about one more time for the lovely Heidi, everybody? All right, back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pole goes by the name of Victoria Lang. Victoria Lang, our third female of the night.
Victoria Lang
So I. I'm a pole dancer, and when I say that, a lot of people think that means stripper, and I'm not. But if I was, I would have a really cool name like Miss Honey Bun. It's because I'm sweet, I'm dense, and after a couple bites, I really taste like nickels. It's like a cup holder. A loose change. Yeah. I have a boyfriend and he's a little bit of a freak, so he likes it. He's into this thing. It's called sounding. It's when you shove something in your dick. Yeah. At first I was like, ugh, too.
Jeffrey Ross
I was like.
Victoria Lang
But he makes this really cool noise. He goes like this.
Katie Carter
Eh.
Victoria Lang
It's like a little kid in the fan in the summertime. You know how they go, eh? In the fucking fan. It's so beautiful. I've been calling him Urethra Franklin. And our relationship's been great. Our relationship's been great ever since.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Thank you. All right, 55 seconds from Victoria Lang. Welcome to the show, Victoria.
Victoria Lang
Thank you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It's your first time on correct. How long you been on stand up?
Vanessa Scaduto
Three years.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Three Years. All of it here in Austin, Texas.
Victoria Lang
No, I'm from Connecticut slash New York. I do a lot of comedy over there.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay, what part of Connecticut exactly?
Victoria Lang
Like Hartford County.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. Yeah, yeah. There's a fun fact about Connecticut. While it is literally a freeway, the state is a freeway. There's a very, very, very, extremely fancy part, Greenwich. And around there, where, of course, like, you know, the McMahons live and the WWE started. And then there's where you're from, right?
Victoria Lang
Yeah. Not over there.
Eric Biggs
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Tell us what it's like growing up in the hood of Connecticut.
Victoria Lang
It's like. It's the shit. It's got a lot of stuff going on over there. I mean, it's. I would say we have the best comedy, I think, in that part of Connecticut.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You know, there are a lot more in Connect. You have the best part of. You have the best comedy in Connecticut
Victoria Lang
in that part, you know, because they're all kind of pieces of like me. Yeah. So they get me more.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Right. Wouldn't you call yourself a piece of shit? What do you mean? What are some piece. What are some shitty things about Victoria Lang? Give us the dirt. Some shitty things about me, other than your nickel pussy.
Victoria Lang
I would say that one's pretty standout. That one's pretty standout. I. I'm kind of like. I'm a little bit of a hater self, admittedly, and I say a lot of things, and I regret it immediately. I go, I regret that.
Tony Hinchcliffe
When you. Are you talking about, like, online or just like.
Victoria Lang
No, in person, I'll be like, ah, that person's a. And then I go, oh, why'd I say that type of thing?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. Yeah. Has that ever backfired on you? Is it.
Victoria Lang
Yeah, everybody hates me. I'm like, Connecticut's most hated, so that's what happens.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. Incredible. But your boyfriend likes you.
Victoria Lang
He loves me.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How long have you been with him?
Victoria Lang
I've been with him for two years, and he's a comedian as well, so he gets it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You guys live here now?
Victoria Lang
No, we're just visiting.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. Did he sign up as well? Yes. Okay, we'll talk about that in a second. You're a pole dancer. How long have you been pole dancing for?
Victoria Lang
I've been pole dancing. You know, I'm about as good as pole dancing as I am at comedy, to put it that way.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay.
Dedrick Flynn
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right. So you fall a lot.
Victoria Lang
Yeah, I'm falling, yeah. Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
But you make it to the top of the pole in the bottom. The bottom of the pole.
Victoria Lang
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Because you're Bipolar.
Jeffrey Ross
Do you ever straddle the microphone stand?
Victoria Lang
I have. Usually I'm a lot more active. I do kind of something like that, but I think I got. Tony made me nervous.
Tony Hinchcliffe
No, it's okay. It's all right. Don't be nervous around me.
Michael Hines
What.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What could I possibly say about you that you haven't already thought about yourself? That's correct. Victoria, you have any special skills or talents or anything like that?
Victoria Lang
That. Yes, I make comedy music. That's. I would say, my forte.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. That's your specialty?
Vanessa Scaduto
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Do you have a. You have like a song in your head that you've written that's original to you?
Victoria Lang
Yeah, I do.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What's it about?
Victoria Lang
So I have a couple. I have one about storming the capital.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Let's just do one.
Victoria Lang
Okay. Take it slow.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You have one about storming the capital?
Victoria Lang
Yeah. And I have another one that I really love about dating while living at your parents house.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Which one do you think's the funniest?
Victoria Lang
The one about dating, living at.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Do you know what chord progression that is?
Michael Scott
Is.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Is that a dgac? Dgac?
Victoria Lang
It go. Goes like this. Something like that.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. I feel like if you.
Victoria Lang
If you play me kind of like a beat, like I can like follow it, type.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, they got you. Yeah. What's the beat that you like? Boom.
Victoria Lang
Do it like this.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Here she is, ladies and gentlemen, the Torch. Everybody.
Martin Phillips
Here we go.
Tony Hinchcliffe
First, spotlight.
Dedrick Flynn
Kino.
Victoria Lang
Thank you. All right, here we go. I woke up today in the pink room in the pink room that I grew up in My mom takes out the trash like she always does I. I check my phone. I got a text. The text is from my mom, even though she just left it says at least one of us is getting some. Oh, my God. My mom saw the condom in the trash. But that's what happens when you're living at your mom's house. Pick it up. There is a feeling you can't hide when your mom seen your boyfriend sliding but there's really nothing I can do when our economy is in the tubes and maybe one day we'll live in a studio apartment but till then it'll be us and also my mom. Cause this is her house oh, you want me to go? I woke up today in the blue room in the blue room that I grew up in My mom wakes me up for work like she always does. I usually text when I have a girl over, but last night was different. I guess my mom walks in to see my dick getting sucked. Like me and my mom, we're close but not that much and now she's caught me with my balls out Chorus There is a feeling you can't hide when your mom senior dick's receding hairline but there's really nothing I can do unless I shoot a CEO or something too and maybe one day we'll live in a trailer park or something great. But until that day it'll be us and also our moms. Take it down for a second and let's not forget about my stepdad Sometimes when we're getting in submit not me and my stepdad I can hear him farting through the walls cuz I share it with my bathroom same wall Please don't look at the the stain. My 20 year old cat died my senior year of high school it's not that noticeable unless you look at it Gotta walk by really fast
Katie Carter
There are
Victoria Lang
some sounds you cannot hide Even when the TV volumes real high My whole family hears Young Sheldon and you that's how they all know I I'm getting screwed and yes I said young Sheldon I know that might be inappropriate but it gets me hard so fight me outside Bazinga. That's the end of my song.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. Wow. My mind is is blown. Redman looking to see if she's gonna get booked at the secret show.
Dedrick Flynn
Wow.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Victoria Lang. I gotta tell ya, I did not see that coming. That was actually like a good song. Not a comedy song. That was just a good song. Yeah, it was an actually good song.
Victoria Lang
Thank you. I wrote it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's amazing. And I love how you directed the band. I mean, this is that type of band that if you give them a thing, they are right there. They feel the energies and just roll with it. And you. I've never actually seen anyone conduct them perfectly. They followed every single one of your leads. It was incredible. You're so add you're talking about a lighter that's on the table right now. It's incredible. Absolutely amazing. Victoria, Comedy music is definitely your thing.
Victoria Lang
Thank you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, that's great. You have more stuff available online or something? Where can people find you at?
Victoria Lang
At Victoria does comedy.
Tony Hinchcliffe
There you go. Only fans. Also very funny.
Victoria Lang
I used to have a Playboy account but they took me offline because I wasn't making enough money.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That happened. That happened. Happens, Victoria. When all you can do is sing, that happens. But you are very talented. You really got lost in it when you were sitting down. I was so impressed. When you're commanding the band, it's like a. It's like a real, real treat to see somebody Come in and start kind of shy and. Exactly. Jeff just said showmanship. I mean, you really came out. You know what I mean? And. And that was incredible. Congratulations, Victoria Lang. The set was okay, but after that amazing performance, you're leaving her with a big joke book. Here you go.
Victoria Lang
Thank you so much.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right. There you go. Sure.
Victoria Lang
Do I leave now?
Tony Hinchcliffe
What?
Victoria Lang
Or do I stay?
Tony Hinchcliffe
You, you're gone.
Katie Carter
Oh.
Victoria Lang
What the. Thank you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Anything can happen here. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a show filled with magic. Sometimes, Ladies and gentlemen, let's make it your final bucket pull of the night. Goes by the name of Eric McLaughlin, everybody.
Eric McLaughlin
I was at the airport yesterday. I was thinking you could just point at anybody in here and yell, that guy has a bomb in his ass. And they kind of have to check that guy's ass, Right? They gotta put a finger in that guy. But then they're probably gonna put a finger in you after because you said that. Which could be fun. Like, if you're into that. That's like your thing. You can be like, yeah, he's got a bomb in his ass. Check me now. You know, I got here two hours early. Go ahead, fucking check my ass. You imagine you do that all the time and the guy actually has a bomb in his ass. And then TSA is like, holy shit, that guy was gonna blow up the plane. 200 lives saved because of you. You're a fucking hero. And you'd be sitting there like, I don't think he's gonna check my ass.
Dedrick Flynn
What?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Upset from beginning to end, Eric McLaughlin.
Eric McLaughlin
Hello.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Welcome, my friend. Very funny. How long you been on standup?
Eric McLaughlin
About a year and a half.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. Incredible. Where at?
Eric McLaughlin
Here. I'm a. I'm a local. Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Born and raised in Austin.
Eric McLaughlin
Well, no, I've been on the show before. I, I, I moved here when I was, like, 12.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wait, what?
Eric McLaughlin
I moved here when I was 12 years old.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, got it.
Eric McLaughlin
Yeah. Sorry.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I thought you said you were on the show when you were 12.
Eric McLaughlin
No, no, not that.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. Okay. Where were you at before you were 12? Just out of Canada.
Eric McLaughlin
I was in California.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay.
Eric McLaughlin
Yeah. San Jose.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Nice. How old are you now?
Eric McLaughlin
I'm 32.
Tony Hinchcliffe
32. Okay. What do you do for work?
Eric McLaughlin
Well, I sell mortgages. Kind of.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right. Kind of.
Eric McLaughlin
Well, I mean, I'm not very good at it, so I've been doing, like, TikTok and Facebook and, like, content creation kind of lately.
Tony Hinchcliffe
But how's that going?
Jeffrey Ross
Good.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Is that profitable?
Dedrick Flynn
Yeah, it's good.
Eric McLaughlin
I mean, you know. No, it's okay. Yeah, it's fun.
Jonathan Jernigan
It's good.
Eric McLaughlin
I enjoy it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Cool. What else do you do, content creation wise?
Eric McLaughlin
I do movie reviews mostly. Right now it's kind of like a big thing.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Nice.
Jonathan Jernigan
Yeah.
Eric McLaughlin
Can I have a cigarette?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Sure. Yeah, yeah, why not? I'm not gonna give you a lighter, but you can have a cigarette. No, I'm kidding. What's a movie you've seen lately that was good?
Eric McLaughlin
I watched Batman Begins last night. It's great.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I mean, that's a 19. What is that, 91, 93.
Eric McLaughlin
No, 2005. With
Tony Hinchcliffe
what? Batman Begins.
Eric McLaughlin
Christian Bale, Batman Begins 2005.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Maybe it's like a. Is that like a. I mean, I saw last night Berenstein Bears thing. Look it up for me. Just. I thought Batman Begins was the Tim Burton one, but maybe that's just Batman, huh? Batman Begins. Yeah, I guess so. Batman Begins. Oh, yeah, there it is. 2005. Okay, well, what'd you think about the 2005 classic Batman Begins? The unforgettable Batman Begins, often confused for Danny DeVito is the Penguin.
Eric McLaughlin
It's good. It's pretty good.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What a review.
Eric McLaughlin
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Amazing.
Eric McLaughlin
Yeah. Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I saw one very recently called Heal. You want to see a crazy movie called Go see Heal? H E L on Amazon heel? Yeah.
Eric McLaughlin
Is that a new movie?
Jeffrey Ross
It is.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It is a new movie. It's about a guy who. Who gets. Who gets trashed. Really, really big party boy. And he gets taken hostage, put in somebody's basement. And I won't give anything else away, but it's a very interesting movie.
Eric McLaughlin
Interesting. That's cool.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Jonathan Jernigan
Put it in a list.
Eric McLaughlin
I'll.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I recommend Flow. There's not one.
Chris Celio
One word in the whole entire movie.
Eric McLaughlin
Flow.
Jeffrey Ross
Yeah.
Eric McLaughlin
You like any of the Oscar picks? Marty Supreme.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Now that's all absolute dog.
Eric McLaughlin
Oh, really?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Beyond all dog. We. We're not. Yeah, we don't. We don't play that.
Eric McLaughlin
Yeah, we can move on.
Tony Hinchcliffe
But I will give one more for those of you that can handle subtitles. I know that's not a lot of the Kill Tony fan base, but if you can check out a movie movie on Amazon called the Coffee Table. If you want your heart to beat out of your chest. Oh, there's one person that knows about it out there. One real freak out there.
Jeffrey Ross
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right. It's a crazy movie. Gotta watch that one.
Eric McLaughlin
Coffee Table.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, the Coffee Table.
Eric McLaughlin
Okay. Yeah, that's.
Davey Wester
Yeah.
Eric McLaughlin
On the list. Yeah.
Jonathan Jernigan
Thank you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, absolutely. What. What is your favorite movie that you've seen that you've reviewed that blew your Mind a newer movie.
Eric McLaughlin
To be honest, like I. I feel like new movies kind of suck. I saw Castaway the other day. That was just amazing.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Unbelievable. Any day you're gonna make it to Pulp Fiction or Forrest Gump or Shawshank Redemption.
Eric McLaughlin
Yeah, those are good.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Jesus Christ.
Jeffrey Ross
What made you watch Castaway out of nowhere?
Eric McLaughlin
It was on Netflix.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Redband pointed out a good one. While we're in movie mode for the first time in our 13 year history because we did have this conversation, I avoided Demi Moore's the Substance cuz I thought it would automatically be a chick flick cuz it's just Demi Moore's face and all the promos. But if you want to really go for an insane ride. The substance.
Eric McLaughlin
Sexy, incredibly watchable. I have seen that.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You have seen that. Did you see the Substance, Jeff? You got to see this movie. It's nuts. Well, it's about, it's about the. I guess the overall principle of the movie is it's about like trying to preserve your beauty and the sacrifices that you make would make to do that could cost you the opposite effect on the back end. So a temporary look. Now for a. For instant gratification. Now for a nightmare situation. Perhaps later.
Eric McLaughlin
Great review.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Jeffrey Ross
Did you see Song Sung Blue? That was really good.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Uhuh. Is that a Japanese movie?
Jeffrey Ross
Oh, it was a Hugh Jackman and.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And Song Song Blue, I believe is one of our golden in ticket winners.
Jeffrey Ross
Song Song Blue. It's about Neil diamond impersonators, but it's really good.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh cool.
Jeffrey Ross
Yeah. And, and you know Kate Hudson.
Chris Celio
Hugh Jack Jackman.
Jeffrey Ross
Hugh Jackman. Very good movie.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I'm just watching Eric smoke the first cigarette of his life over there.
Eric McLaughlin
Always like, like it's a really nice club. I didn't want to ash on your.
Tony Hinchcliffe
There's an ashtray. There's. There's an ashtray right there. Oh yeah, there it is.
Jeffrey Ross
Holds it like he's French or something.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, I do a movie review.
Jeffrey Ross
Yeah. Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Perhaps you've seen La Mayonnaise starring Pepe le Peu?
Eric McLaughlin
That's pretty good.
Jeffrey Ross
Yeah, it's like he's like waiting for Conan o'. Brien.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I don't know, Eric, what else have you done with your life? Tell us something else.
Eric McLaughlin
Oh, I tried to sell my shit last year. That was something interesting.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What did you sell?
Eric McLaughlin
Well, no, like shit, like actual poop.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh wow.
Eric McLaughlin
Yeah, there's a website.
Jeffrey Ross
Bury the lead, why don't you?
Eric McLaughlin
Yeah, no, there's a website called the Human Biome Project and they pay like 180 grand a year to buy your poop. So I signed up to, like, donate or whatever. And it's like a real thing. They pay you money for your poop, and they put it, like, in a pill because it, like, helps with bacteria for other people. It's like, a whole thing.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Did you get. You got money for this?
Eric McLaughlin
No, I just. I applied, and I didn't get in.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Do you have to send them your poop to apply?
Eric McLaughlin
So it's a weird process. Like, the first part is you do an IQ test, which I thought was weird.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I.
Eric McLaughlin
Past that, thank God. I. And then the next part, you send him photos. That's where I failed because I had diarrhea on the last day.
Tony Hinchcliffe
So.
Chris Celio
Yeah.
Martin Phillips
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It's like Crohn's disease or something like that.
Eric McLaughlin
No, I don't have that.
Tony Hinchcliffe
No, no, it's for Crohn's disease.
Eric McLaughlin
Oh, yeah. Maybe I just wanted the money.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. Amazing. Other than selling, what else have you done with your life, Eric?
Jeffrey Ross
Red band's, like, new merch idea.
Chris Celio
That's corny.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Another poop joke, Red band. Our senior poop correspondent. Eric, tell us one more fun fact about your life.
Eric McLaughlin
Man, am I interesting. I'm Brazilian. That's a big one. I told you that last time. I'm a Brazilian guy, which is kind of interesting. I go there every year to see family, and it's just fun being white in Brazil and speaking port Portuguese.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You get to go to Brazil often?
Eric McLaughlin
I do, yeah. I go every year to see my family, and that's.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Do you ever feel like you're going to be kidnapped or taken for money? That's a big, big deal over there.
Eric McLaughlin
It's not Mexico. It's like. It's, like, a little nicer. I mean, it's. But it's not.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Are you in the. Are you in a specific, gated white part of Brazil? Brazil famous for kidnapping and trying to take hostage white people, though.
Eric McLaughlin
There are places like that in Brazil?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, it's called Brazil. That's the place in Brazil in which that's a thing.
Dedrick Flynn
Thing.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You're. What are you, the head of tourism over there or something?
Eric McLaughlin
Hey, I'm just, you know, trying to represent is all. But it is the second most dangerous country in the planet, right behind.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. There it is. It's not Mexico. You're right.
Eric McLaughlin
You're right.
Michael Scott
It is.
Eric McLaughlin
It is dangerous. But they do, like, they separate people, which is bad. But also, I mean, I'm in the nicer parts, which is good.
Tony Hinchcliffe
There you go. I had a feeling. Took a while to get there, but there it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what you're about. Talking. Talking about Tony Brazil is so nice.
Eric McLaughlin
Yeah, you're right.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right. What's your dating life like?
Eric McLaughlin
Not really dating. I mean, I. I go into the apps every now and then. I, you know, I kind of hit around and then see what's up, but I'm not really, like, actively getting out there.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Last.
Eric McLaughlin
What about you?
Dedrick Flynn
Last.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Thank you. Thank you. Way to change the subject there. Last date you went on, what was that like?
Eric McLaughlin
It wasn't really a date. She just sort of came over, which was cool. That was fun. But that was around September. That was the last time she just hit me up. She was drunk. She was like, what are you doing? And she was like, you want to go out? And I'm like, no, I'm at home watching a movie. And she was like, well, wow.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Batman begins. Here's a medium sized joke book. It's all I have left left. There he goes. All right, Eric McLaughlin. Actually, switch that. They'll give you a big joke book on your way out. Give them a big one. Trade that medium for a big. All right. Since we were running a little ahead of time, ladies and gentlemen, I decided for one last bucket pull. Huh? Put your hands together for Jonathan Jarrigan. We'll make this one quick. No matter what happens, we got to keep it moving. John Johnathan Jarrigan is your final bucket pool of the night.
Jonathan Jernigan
What's going on? Anybody ever change your entire personality because of a TV show? I had to stop wearing my glasses because of that one show. Dahmer. Still eat people, but that's just for the flavor. But I'm actually not a comedian. I'm just here to announce my candidacy for mayor of the Friend Zone. I've been a pretty good city councilman. I feel like I'm ready for the push for the big office. First initiative is to tackle the homeless situation. I saw this homeless couple strung out on the side of the road, and I just felt horrible. I'm just like, this dude has a girlfriend. What the hell am I doing wrong? It's my fault, though. I don't have the most commanding personality. If I were like, in a biker gang, you'll be sons of Applebee's. Like, going out on a date with me is so cold. It's how it feels to chew five gum. But y' all been. We'll just end it there.
Jeffrey Ross
Thank you very much.
Jonathan Jernigan
I'm Jonathan Jernigan.
Tony Hinchcliffe
There it is. Solid set from Jonathan Jernigan. Welcome. Welcome to the show, Jonathan.
Jonathan Jernigan
Who's Jernigan? Close enough.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It's what?
Jonathan Jernigan
Jernigan.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Jernigan. Okay, everybody's. Your ends look like ours. Yeah. All right. There you go. Jonathan. Jernigan. So, Jonathan, what's up? Where are you from?
Jonathan Jernigan
Houston.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How long have you been doing stand up?
Jonathan Jernigan
It'll be eight years in August.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay, cool.
Jeffrey Ross
How long have you been named Jernigan?
Jonathan Jernigan
Oh, for a long. My whole life.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah? What are the Jernigans like? What are your parents like? What's the family?
Jonathan Jernigan
Well, my dad was an ex hippie, and then my mom is unfortunately no longer with us.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What happened to Mom?
Aaron Spaller
Oh, she.
Jonathan Jernigan
She had cancer.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Hell, yeah.
Jonathan Jernigan
I kept pointing the TV remote at
Tony Hinchcliffe
her, but that'll do it. That'll do it. So when you say your dad's an ex hippie, what do you mean exactly?
Jonathan Jernigan
Well, like, he used to have, like, really long hair and play chess, but now he doesn't.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What made him kind of snap out of it, you think?
Jonathan Jernigan
My mom dying.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right, all right. Okay. So what is dad. How's dad keeping it together now? How long ago did mom die?
Jonathan Jernigan
I want to say, like eight years ago.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. Has your dad moved on? Has he gotten a new lady yet?
Jonathan Jernigan
No, no, but we're trying to get him to move on, but, I mean, it's tough.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. You have a lot of brothers and sisters?
Jonathan Jernigan
I have one brother.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. Older, Younger?
Jonathan Jernigan
Younger.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right. What does he do?
Jonathan Jernigan
He, like, does, like, financial analysis.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What do you do for work?
Jonathan Jernigan
I teach painting.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You teach painting? You make a living doing that?
Jonathan Jernigan
Not really.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, wow. How are you surviving?
Jonathan Jernigan
I live at home.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Amazing. With dad? Oh, yeah, with dad. Okay.
Jonathan Jernigan
It's less embarrassing now that my mom's dead.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Right, exactly. It makes it seem like you're there supporting him.
Jonathan Jernigan
Well, like, according to the TLC rules, I'm technically not a scrub anymore.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Very good. Very good. It's important to follow the TLC rules. Don't be a scrub, and don't go chasing waterfalls. Brian Redback. So are you a pretty good artist? Like, what kind of paint do you are?
Jonathan Jernigan
It's acrylic. And I mostly teach, like, new painters. So it's like you sign up for a night and, like, you with a date and you have. You get drunk and you paint and
Tony Hinchcliffe
stuff, and that's cool. You get a lot of paint. Pussy.
Jonathan Jernigan
Not really. I don't. I don't try because I feel creepy if I try to, like, hit on the guests and I try to. I like being employed oh, yeah. But other than that.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Amazing. Where can people find your art at, Mr. Journey?
Jonathan Jernigan
I wish. I don't paint that often.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, wow. Quite the. Quite the salesman.
Jeffrey Ross
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay.
Jonathan Jernigan
Been focusing harder on comedy, Morton.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Nice. Yeah, you're very, very good at it.
Jonathan Jernigan
Well, thank you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Keep it up. Sign up again sometime. Jonathan Jernigan. Good to see. We're gonna. We're at the end of the episode, so we're gonna keep it moving. Thank you so much. Look, sign up again. Jonathan Jernigan, a funny man. Get him a big joke book. There we go. I ran out of big joke books. It's been such a good ep, you know, It's a good episode when I ran out of big joke books. All right, everybody, we've made it to the final part of the show. William Montgomery is sick. Ari. Matty is adding Monday shows to his sold out weekends on the road, taking full advantage of the Kill Tony bump while not showing up for the thing that made him so famous. But luckily for you guys, we have one more superstar that's on the super rise, everybody. Every single week, this guy does more than a minute. It's amazing to watch. He was once the dark storm of Atlanta, and now he's the dark storm of Austin, Texas. Make some noise for the rising star, Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen,
Dedrick Flynn
Austin. Honestly, I'm not gonna lie to y'.
Michael Hines
All.
Dedrick Flynn
I got some beef with Austin, Texas. I don't wanna be the darkest storm of Austin, Texas no more. How y' all been treating me? Because right now I'm homeless. And I'm the richest homeless nigga in Austin, Texas. I applied for three houses to move into and one of the houses texted me. No matter what pay stubs I sent them, I said, I'm doing good right now. One of them hit me back and they said, you credit is bad. What the landlords want is for you to write an essay. About why your credit is bad and what you intend to do about it. Nigga, this is the essay. I was poor, now I'm not. That's why I moved here, bitch. Did you look at anything? Did you Google me at all? I was homeless before and now I'm not. But you want me to write an essay. Nigga, that feel like slavery to me. You want me to write you an essay about why I was poor and why my nigga credit wasn't real. And it's still not to me. I don't need credit. I'm making the money. But they want me to write them an essay. That shit is ins. What the fuck is Austin, Texas doing? You want me to write you an essay so I can stay in a house you don't want to live in no more? You want me to live in there and then pay you money to live? That shit actually let me be homeless. Let me be homeless. Cause honestly, I miss my homeless dick package that I used to give women I used to fuck good as fuck when I was homeless. I was a better boyfriend when I was homeless because you had to fuck a girl so good that she go to sleep. I've been using rich nigga dick for fucking six months, which is mostly like I'm too tired. I just. This a nigga that ain't got nowhere to go. I'mma fuck you whenever the fuck you want to. I'm doing moves I never even thought possible. Leg up, sideways. I want to get back to that package. You ain't hurting my feelings until Nick. I learned I was a better boyfriend when I was homeless. I learned how to fold a fitted blanket when I was homeless. I learned how to fold clothes when I was homeless. Normally, I just wash clothes. I put them on a bed, and then I sleep on it because my bed is too hard. That's my time. I love y'.
Eric McLaughlin
All.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Dedrick Quinn, ladies and gentlemen. Deep, deep and true. It's some insight into the true life of Dedrick Florida.
Dedrick Flynn
That shit hurt my. I thought. Cause I was in Texas, right? And I was a Kill Tony. That's what I put on the application. Kill Tony.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Regular
Dedrick Flynn
let me in. Yeah, I'm making enough money to buy the house. Yeah, but they told me my credit was too bad, and they wanted to. Nigga, I've never written an essay for pussy. You want me to write an essay so I can live in your house? Fuck. Austin, Texas, right now.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Did they. Did they know? Did they know? Did they. Well, I guess your name on the application was Dedrick. So you think it has anything to do with the possibility that perhaps you were.
Dedrick Flynn
No, Dedrick is a German name.
Tony Hinchcliffe
German and chocolate.
Dedrick Flynn
Yeah. Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Come on.
Davey Wester
They.
Dedrick Flynn
I put Dedrick Flynn on there, and I thought they would just Google me and be like, that's okay.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, well, we found out recently you call it a heavy debit card. You don't even have a credit card, so you.
Dedrick Flynn
No, I have a heavy debit card right now.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Red.
Dedrick Flynn
White dad. Don't treat me like this in front of the credit card. White. White Dad. I. I did everything I could not do. Also to ask me why I was poor before. As if you never heard a rap song. That's what happened. I just listen to Gucci, listen to fucking Young Dolph, listen to fucking Meek Mill. I was poor and now I'm not. That's the end of it. That's every rap song that started. Why you act like this is the first time you've ever heard of a black person making his dreams come true?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Dedrick, this is true. Have you been selling. The chains are looking a little tight tonight night. Have you been selling links of your gold chain for the down payment of this house? It's starting to look like you're a pit bull or something like that. You already look like you own a pit stray dog.
Dedrick Flynn
You look like I went back to being a stray dog. All I do is push ups. I'm a pit bull. Like, I'm a good boy, but I'm a bad dog. You know that, Tony?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Absolutely.
Dedrick Flynn
Like I'm a good boy. Everybody love they want to pet me, but I'll buy the kid.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That is true.
Dedrick Flynn
How dare. Look. What the. I have so much gold.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Is this house that you put. That you're applying to, is it. Does it happen to be a dog house? Dead.
Dedrick Flynn
It's not even nice. It's not even nice. How dare you ask me to write an essay. Has anybody in this audience ever written an essay to rent a place?
Tony Hinchcliffe
There are a couple other black people out there. I see them. They all raised their hands at once back here.
Dedrick Flynn
D. Don't play with me.
Davey Wester
I
Dedrick Flynn
either play it or don't, Dedrick.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What else is going on in life? Anything else crazy?
Dedrick Flynn
I just want to say right now that officially, I'm the dark storm of Chicago. I just sold out four shows out of five in Chicago, and I had a great time out there. That was fantastic. So mad. Yeah, Zany's.
Eric Biggs
I.
Tony Hinchcliffe
They.
Dedrick Flynn
They were ripping.
Tony Hinchcliffe
So much fun.
Dedrick Flynn
They told me they sold the most alcohol they've ever sold in the last three years for my five shows.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Little fun fact about Zany's. I've headlined there probably somewhere 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 times or whatever. But at one point, I opened up there for Jeffrey Ross. I was just. Just a measly opener.
Dedrick Flynn
Yeah. They looked at me.
Aaron Spaller
Me.
Dedrick Flynn
While I'm looking at your. They look. My roommate texted me, being like, hey, they want an essay while I'm looking at your fold. I hate touring, cuz every time I go somewhere, you're there and I can see you watching me. So I'm like, I can't do bad. Tony Hinchcliff is right there on the wall.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I am.
Dedrick Flynn
And I. I just can't do no bad. That's just that I
Tony Hinchcliffe
can't hate on the city of Austin, by the way.
Dedrick Flynn
Yes, I can.
Tony Hinchcliffe
No, that. No one where go see if Chicago's going to sell you a nice house without an essay.
Dedrick Flynn
I looked at it that. No, it was 33 degrees outside when I left and I got here and it was 91. I was like, this is where I'm supposed to be.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Pro tip, Dedrick, don't write them an essay. Send them your upcoming schedule. You can. You can literally get your agents to, like, compile a thing that says what you're doing.
Dedrick Flynn
Wondered why my credit score was bad. As if they've never heard a dream come true.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It's true. It happened.
Dedrick Flynn
They wanted me to write an essay so they could jack off with their racist. They wanted to be like, oh, that was poor. Now he living in my house.
Chris Celio
Create an LLC and have the llc.
Dedrick Flynn
I have a LLC and an escort Red Pan.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You helped me make it llc. Yeah, he's got littler and littler chains. That's the LLC he's got.
Dedrick Flynn
It's called llc.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Those things are sh. Either those are shrinking or your neck is growing in real time. You're having an allergic doing the push
Dedrick Flynn
ups cuz these online. Want to fight?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Dedrick, we love you. Everybody loves you.
Dedrick Flynn
Thank you so much.
Tony Hinchcliffe
The richest homeless man in Austin, ladies and gentlemen. Guys, if you've ever listened to anything I tell you, I implore you, go to Netflix now that the episode is over and watch Take a Banana for the ride. And without a doubt, as you know, make sure you watch the Roast of Kevin Hart on May 10th live on Netflix. Anything can happen. Maybe someone trips up the stairs or whatever, throws a shot glass on the ground and glass flies everywhere. It's as. As long live as it gets on Netflix.
Jeffrey Ross
Going to be a lot of fun. Thank you, Kill Tony. Thank you, Redman. Give it up for these incredible musicians tonight.
Chris Celio
Yeah. Tony, I love you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Thank you.
Jeffrey Ross
I love you letting me be a
Chris Celio
part of your crazy world.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I love you. You're the man. One more time for the great Jeff Ross. This episode's been brought to you by Shopify, Pagovas, and Zip Recruiter. Let's check in with a local artist, Chris Rogers, See what he drew. It's Jeff Ross, everybody. Hell, yeah. That's absolutely incredible. I can let you know that indeed, you still have a chance, perhaps of getting tickets for Kill Tony Wrestlemania Las Vegas, Nevada. It's an absolute incredible hybrid of your favorite of The Greatest Entertainment 2 Two of your favorite entertainment sources, WWE, WWE and KT, all together at once. Madison Square Garden is now on sale for early August in New York City. And we're doing the Intuit dome. And that's May 7th, I do believe. And then the 8th, 9th, 10th. Yeah, I think it's the 7th. Thursday, May 7th at the Intuit Dome. The week of the Netflix is a joke week which ends with the roast of Kevin Hart. Red Band San Diego. I'll be there July 9th through 11th, bringing some friends. American Comedy Co.com thank you to our sponsors. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land for Jeff Ross. Take a banana for the ride right now, every single one of you. Go watch it. Keep it on. Let it run all the way to the end for his retention ratings. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night everybody. Sam.
Dedrick Flynn
Sa.
Tony Hinchcliffe
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Tony Hinchcliffe
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Tony Hinchcliffe
Check out this guy and his bird. What is this your first date?
Chris Celio
Oh no.
Tony Hinchcliffe
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Eric McLaughlin
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Tony Hinchcliffe
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Date: April 7, 2026
Venue: Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX
Host: Tony Hinchcliffe
Co-host: Brian Redban
Special Guest: Jeff Ross (“Roastmaster General”, new Netflix special “Take a Banana for the Ride”)
This episode of Kill Tony features legendary roast comedian Jeff Ross as the sole special guest. The show blends its signature live, improvised stand-up competition—where aspiring comedians get “one minute” in front of the hosts and live crowd—with a focus on classic roasting, riffing, and comedic mentorship. The episode is filled with sharp banter, rapid-fire roasts, heartfelt moments, and a few standout performances, making it both hilarious and authentic in Kill Tony style.
“Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you … a genius, my mentor, and one of my best friends, the great roast master, General Jeffrey Ross.” — Tony (06:24)
“This guy looks like he sharpens his head… your poor name is ‘used paintbrush.’” — Jeff Ross (08:07)
“Great memory. Back then in the Belly Room, there were, like, 80 people in the room and then another 80 watching on YouTube.” — Jeff Ross (09:09)
“You look sicker than I do.” — Martin Phillips to Jeff, referencing both their health struggles (16:32)
“It’s extra funny because I’m healthy. I just had my chemo port taken out a week ago. I got the scar right here.” — Jeff Ross (16:44)
“Turns out this guy got raped by his barber six years ago.” — Tony, joking about Aaron’s aversion to haircuts and boxers (24:39)
“I crashed a tree going 90 miles an hour. ... It was either kill her or the tree. I chose the tree.” — Aaron (25:46)
“I mean, pushing a child out of your coochie is pretty powerful.” — Vanessa (36:52)
“You were both a Marine and an MMA instructor … and now you’re getting evicted for weed.” — Tony (44:47)
“I like that all your jokes were connected. You came up here with an act.” — Jeff Ross (51:55)
“I fucking can’t wait for robot eyes. Elon Musk keeps telling me … but it’s just old school Atari graphics—Pong pussy!” — Chris (57:11)
“Your minute was killer. … I think you’re a really good joke writer.” — Jeff Ross (65:51)
“You met her at Shakespeare's? I was drunk before.” — Michael (71:13)
“You're built like a snowman … beautiful round head; beautiful round body.” — Tony (77:41)
“Super confidence with no talent at all!” — Jeff (77:58)
“That was actually a good song—not just a comedy song.” — Tony (103:30)
“Alternative high school; we had lawn mowing as a course.” — Davey (85:54)
“Everywhere we went, [Brian Holtzman] goes, ‘I have a handicap. I have a handicap.’” — Davey (91:55)
“I learned I was a better boyfriend when I was homeless... I learned how to fold a fitted blanket when I was homeless.” — Dedrick (124:41)
The episode maintains the classic, raucous Kill Tony energy:
Bottom Line:
A quintessential Kill Tony episode featuring stand-out sets, classic roasting, unique characters, and infectious comedic energy with Jeff Ross at the helm.