#766 - SAM TALLENT

Summary

Kill Tony #766 – SAM TALLENT (May 5, 2026)
Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX

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Episode Overview

This high-octane episode of Kill Tony features Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban, and returning guest Sam Tallent at their sharpest and most unfiltered. With the Comedy Mothership crowd on fire, the show brims with rapid-fire jokes, diverse new-ish comedians, wild interviews, and memorable, sometimes wholesome, moments. Sam Tallent, known for his quick wit and roast prowess, plugs his new novel (Brute, out September 22), and proves why he's a fan-favorite regular guest. Comedians from a range of backgrounds take their shot on stage, and tonight's show makes Kill Tony history with a rare and meaningful promotion.

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Key Segments & Discussion Points

1. Opening Antics & Sam Tallent’s Entrance

Timestamps: 05:12–06:42

• The band intros feature festive jokes (and a birthday shoutout to Carlos on sax).
• Tony Hinchcliffe hypes Sam Tallent as “one of the greatest guests in show history” (05:21).
• Sam plugs his upcoming novel Brute, “an erotic thriller about a hitman in Paris doing one last job” (06:07).
• Sam’s body transformation is ribbed: “Last time… I was wearing what many described as a tarp. I have a new hot body. And I want everyone to know that it fits.” (06:26)

2. David Jolly Kicks Off the Madness

Timestamps: 08:57–16:59

• Golden Ticket regular David Jolly opens with a bit about older friends “Twitch streaming” and the strength of crackheads:
  “Don’t nobody want to see no old n**** twitch. … Only one type of people I want to see stream, and that’s crackheads.” (09:11)
  • Tony & Sam riff on the “crackhead/methhead” cultural divide.
• Tony “grills” David on whether he’s smoked crack (“I ain’t never smoked crack, Tony!” 11:55), leading to an extended, hilarious exchange capped off with David’s dental implant saga and their mutual roasting.

3. New Faces from the Bucket

Timestamps: 17:43–101:36
Each set is followed by a burst of impromptu interviews, crowd work, or riffing by the hosts and Sam Tallent.

Notable Sets & Moments

• David Edwards (first open mic, 6 months in):
  “I am the unwanted lovechild of Uncle Lazer and Ellen DeGeneres.” (17:44)

  • The haircut is an immediate riffing target, but Sam encourages his stage confidence:
    “Your jokes are gonna catch up to what you’re currently doing, and it’s probably gonna be a lot easier to do more than a minute.” (22:09)

• Candace August ('weight loss challenge' moment):

  • Candid about online roasting (“they said I was so fat, does she have diabetes? … that was not me being fat, that was me being pregnant!” 32:02).
  • Steps on the scale (live on stage), sparking weight-loss bets and challenges for a return spot and possible arena set.
    “You're at 239 today... If by some miracle you’re able to get to 199 or less in six months, I will put you up at the Moody Center on New Year’s Eve.” (42:59)
  • Inspirational & supportive, with genuine moments of camaraderie and humor.

• Seabass Matar (Miami’s tattoo and jerk-off bit):
  “I got this tattoo in memory of my dad… the only thing I regret is where I put it, ‘cause it’s on my right hand—I gotta go jerk off, I’m like ‘Papi! Oh yeah, you already had your time!’” (44:31)

  • Sam Tallent riffs:
    “I had the exact same premise early on... on my hand… But if you go southpaw... it says ‘mom.’” (45:24)
  • Seabass discusses being a “game show host” and moving back to Miami. (“It’s like a higher version of an escape room.” 48:26)

• Pat O’Neill (Golden Ticket winner, now promoted regular):

  • Dark, fast, and fearless—kills with one-liners on trans kids, midgets, and school shootings:
    “My son just came out as trans... shouldn’t call him my son anymore... now that he’s dead to me.” (61:29)
    “Puberty blockers... or as pedophiles call them, preservatives.” (61:49)
  • Sam Tallent: “Every fucking line was a punchline, bro. That’s how standup should be. That was sick.” (63:04)
  • Tony promotes Pat O’Neill to a full regular—first time ever live on air:
    “If you want it, you can have it. You’re the first person ever, I do believe, elevated from a golden ticket winner to a full time regular.” (64:31)

• Impromptu Drum-Off (Akshay Bimbet):

  • After a psychedelic Santa bit, Akshay is invited for a “drum solo-off” with Justin Heights and Sam Tallent—Tony jokes, “Our first ever Indian-white-black drum off.” (71:16)
  • Indie band, Wall Street defector, now taking “shepherding lessons” with his Blue Heeler dog: “I’ve been taking shepherding lessons... becoming a shepherd… with Wiley. But we’ll f*** you up.” (74:51)

• Joe Jacks (Forrest Gump race-skewering bit):
  “It’d be really funny if Forrest Gump was involved in a bunch of really racist shit and had no idea.” (77:34)

  • Riffs lead to a crowd-rousing, on-stage flirtation with Heidi, the show’s assistant—a charming, awkward, and funny sequence.

• Caleb Andrews (surprisingly polished first-timer):

  • Banker from rural Mississippi, brings clever credit score/small-town jokes and marriage-golf analogies.
    “Nothing’s quite as humbling as denying someone for a loan... and they pull off in a truck nicer than yours.” (111:05)
    “Being from a small town, your credit score and your grandma’s reputation are pretty much the same thing.” (111:07)
  • Tony: “That’s the best [inside-bucket] I’ve ever seen.” (111:58)

• Special “Wholesome” Moment:

  • Caleb’s wife, Michaela, joins on stage, sharing her medical birth story (“My butthole was not fully developed,” 123:27) and working as a bank portfolio manager.
  • Couples' humor flies—Sam: “Can we get a picture of your wife's butt later?” (125:14)

• Closing Comedian: Dedrick Flynn:

  • Delivers a powerhouse set about single vs. taken men’s hygiene, using women's bath products, and the “science” of bath bombs:
    “Single dudes look and smell like what happens after years of kicking ice cubes under the refrigerator...” (126:27)
    “When you go to a girl's bathroom... looks like Gordon Ramsay’s seasoning cabinet mixed with two Southern black ladies.” (127:10)
    • Sets the room ablaze with his energy and inventive metaphors.

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Notable Quotes & Signature Moments

• “Tony’s the hot one, Redban’s the pervert.”
  – Sam Tallent (06:42)
• “You can do it, I can definitely do it.”
  – Candace August on her 6-month weight loss challenge (43:10)
• “Every fucking line was a punchline, bro.”
  – Sam Tallent’s praise for Pat O’Neill (63:04)
• “You're the first ever... elevated from a golden ticket winner to a full time regular.”
  – Tony promoting Pat O’Neill (64:31)
• “Single dudes look and smell like what happens after years of kicking ice cubes underneath the refrigerator.”
  – Dedrick Flynn (126:27)

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Major Milestones & Firsts

• Pat O’Neill becomes first Golden Ticket regular promoted to full-time show regular (64:31).
• First ever “Indian-white-black drum off” between Akshay, Sam, and Justin Heights (71:16).
• Live on-stage weight challenge—Candace August commits to 25-40 lb loss for a return MSG or Moody Center spot (42:59).

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Thematic Recap & Tone

The episode blends brash, risky comedy with moments of community, encouragement, and genuine feeling. Whether it’s teasing up-and-comers for awkward haircuts or raw onstage anxiety, celebrating weight loss or oddball animal rescue stories, or giving legit career-changing opportunities, Kill Tony #766 is an unfiltered snapshot of stand-up’s present and future.

Sam Tallent’s presence ratchets up the zingers, but he also offers kindness and mentorship, exemplifying why he’s a fan favorite. Front-row moments—like Pat O’Neill’s promotion, wild interviews, and Heidi’s flirtation with a comic—capture everything that makes Kill Tony a wild, must-watch live comedy experience.

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Quick Reference: Key Segments & Timestamps

• [05:12] Sam Tallent intro & plugs
• [09:11] David Jolly's crackhead streaming bit
• [17:44] David Edwards (first-timer, wild haircut)
• [29:29] Candace August (weight challenge)
• [44:31] Seabass Matar (tattoo/jerk-off bit)
• [61:29–64:31] Pat O’Neill historic promotion
• [71:16] Akshay drum-off segment
• [77:34] Joe Jacks’ Forrest Gump joke
• [111:05] Caleb Andrews, polished first-timer
• [126:27] Dedrick Flynn, closing headliner

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Episode in a Sentence

A riotous, sprawling night of raw comedy, genuine heart, and Kill Tony history—anchored by Sam Tallent’s quick wit and the ascent of new regular Pat O’Neill.

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(Summary excludes advertisements and non-content sections. All comedian names, jokes, and interactions appear as in the original show.)

Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever.

[B]

Shop Squad tv.

[A]

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[C]

Hey, this is Redmond coming to you

[B]

live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[D]

Get it for Tony Hitchcock.

[B]

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their life, huh? Yippee. Big fun for Brian Red family. Oh, yeah. And how about one more time for the best stam band in all the land. Everybody playing for you live here in the live music capital of the world, Austin, Texas. That's Carlos SOS on the saxophone. It's his birthday, everybody. Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo.

[E]

Normally it's Nachos Bell Grande, but tonight, tonight I think it's Tres leches over there.

[B]

How about a hand for Justin Heights sitting in tonight on the drums we

[E]

have the great Matt Muhling on the

[B]

electric guitar, John Dees on the keys. And this is indeed deep madness. Live in the flesh, ladies and gentlemen, this episode's brought to you by Netflix.

[E]

The Roast of Kevin Hart on May 10th. Some of your favorite roasters and human beings and just overall great people are going to be on that. So you're going to want to watch that because, yeah. May 10 live on Netflix following the Roast of Tom Brady. Fun fact about the Roast of Tom Brady, the most watched comedy event of the past decade.

[B]

So we'll see where Kevin Hart will lands and everything should be fun.

[E]

Should be fun. I specialize in making fun of small black people.

[B]

So this could be good.

[E]

This could be good. Before we get started tonight, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Surf Shark. With the help of AI scammers are getting smarter every day. They're sending emails that look legit but are designed to steal your data, passwords and money. If you want to stay protected, you gotta check out Surf Shark. It's way more than your good old vpn. It's an all in one online security tool. They have a ton of advanced features and one in particular is called Email Scam Checker. This thing notifies you if an email you received is a scam or phishing attempt. So instead of guessing whether that bank's email is real, you can check it before you click it.

[A]

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[E]

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[E]

And here we go.

[B]

You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Ladies and gentlemen, we have one guest. Cause that's all we need. Cause he's one of the greatest guests

[E]

in the show's history. How many of you are real, die hard, Kill Tony fans, huh?

[B]

Well then you're in for a special treat. One of the absolute best, one of the smartest, one of the funniest. Make some fucking noise. For one of my favorite human beings and comedians, it's the great Sam Talent, everybody. Here we go. The man, the myth. You've seen him on all your favorite episodes. The best. The absolute best. Sam Talent is the fucking man. And he's coming to Buffalo, Chicago, Madison, a bunch of places bunched up. Live.comsamtalent that's with two L's and his new novel, Brute comes out September 22nd.

[C]

Yeah, pre order that, please. I'm competing with Mr. Beast. And James Patterson.

[B]

Yes, that is tough.

[C]

Two Dead Eyed Ghouls and me. So yeah, get the book, please. It's an erotic thriller about a hitman in Paris doing one last job.

[E]

Ooh, I like that. It's called True B R U T.

[B]

Pre order it now.

[E]

It's available September 22nd. My friend Sam Talent, you fantastic.

[C]

Feeling good. I wore a shirt that people online will say fits. I hope. Oh, good. Last time I was on here, I was wearing what many described as a tarp or some kind of boat cover. And I have a new hot body. And I want everyone to know that it fits.

[B]

It fits.

[C]

And it's. Look, I know I'm sexually distracting now, but let's focus, please. Tony's the hot one, Red band's the pervert. You know, I'm just here so we can get a nice cake for old

[B]

Carlos over there, buddy. That's right, Carlos.

[C]

Birthday Carlos and his twin butting off his shoulder there.

[B]

That's.

[C]

Yeah, just asexual reproduction at its finest. That's crazy.

[B]

Rogan said if you're gonna have horn

[E]

players, they all have to a bald head like me.

[B]

And trust me, the trombone player is well on his way.

[E]

It's.

[B]

He's like.

[C]

And hey, man, we can tell it's a wig. All right. Wait, that was red band.

[B]

Yeah, that was red band. He got you. He got you, Fernando.

[E]

Oh, wait, that's not Fernando.

[B]

That's Raul. I get them all confused. It's like a. It's like George Foreman's kids over here. You know what I mean? I wish they all had the same name, but they do not.

[E]

Sometimes I order the wrong thing when I'm at Matzah Rancho. It happens.

[C]

Carlos, does your twin have the same birthday? Does that count that way or. So you get a birthday. Oh, you don't speak English? I'm sorry. Lo siento. Feliz cumplianos quesiera la musica.

[B]

As you can tell, Sam Talon is the man.

[E]

Multiple time guest, always a guest of the year, contender, nominee, always in the mix. And we're doing it again. Sammy, bro.

[C]

Glad to be here. This is my favorite thing in show business. Thank you guys for coming here.

[B]

200 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity to perhaps get pulled out of this bucket. If they are, they get 60 seconds on stage. You know their time is up. When you hear the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring

[E]

out the angry West Hollywood bear.

[B]

I'm going to let this dead eyed ketamine Addict. Pull the first name. Go right ahead, sir. Yes, I know we can all tell. Hand that to Red Banner. We're going to go wrangle that person. Could be anybody, clearly.

[E]

And while we wrangle that person, ladies and gentlemen, starting the show is one of our favorite golden ticket winners ever in the show's history. You know him, you love him.

[B]

Makes noise for the great David Jolly. Everybody back. David. How y' all doing tonight? White people in Puerto Rico?

[G]

Hell yeah, man, life been going good. I've been on the road and shit, you know, but most of my homeboys my age, autumn boys, been going through like a midlife crisis. My homeboy Johnny called me the other day and he was like, hey, Dave, I'm about to start streaming. I said streaming, man. I hung the phone up. Don't nobody want to see no old nigga twitch. 5:30am chat. Taking my blood pressure medicine. So I'm pass out at work. There's only one type of people I want to see stream, and that's crackheads. I paid top dollar to watch a crackhead stream. 3:30am Just sucked my knifedigger today. Dirty bird gets to work. They doing all kind of crackhead shit in the camera. I'm about to take this full size washer and dryer nine miles away on a ten speed bicycle. Hell yeah. Thank y'. All, that's been a bunch of fun, man.

[B]

57 seconds on the nose by the great David Jolly.

[E]

Yeah, Fantastic stuff you're talking about.

[G]

Hell yeah. You don't want to see a crackhead stream.

[D]

That's.

[E]

No, I'm, I'm agreeing with you, my friend. I literally would watch that. And I'm not one to watch streams, but I would watch that.

[G]

Yeah, yeah.

[E]

Sometimes I look out of my giant, you know, penthouse condo windows down in

[B]

the alleyways and I love that.

[E]

Sometimes I'll grab a Captain Ship.

[B]

Monica. What? A telescope, monocle, whatever that thing is.

[E]

And I'm just interested in what's going on down.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, there's a lot of.

[G]

I bet you see some good up there, don't you?

[B]

Non stop.

[E]

A lot of people that look like you, but it's not you,

[B]

David, it's me. Oh, sorry.

[H]

Oh,

[C]

I've never heard a bit about streaming. Yeah, honestly, have you heard a bit about streaming?

[B]

Oh, I know, I love it, dude.

[C]

Crackhead streaming. Yeah, the crackheads are like, like, that's how they, they transport like Vietnamese families, you know.

[G]

Hell yeah.

[C]

You know, go to like Laos, it's all bicycles with like, you know, like the Washing machine. That's a great bit.

[G]

Yeah, yeah. Crackh. Stronger than a motherfucker. I seen that.

[D]

For real.

[G]

I seen a crackhead put a washer and a dryer on a ten speed bicycle.

[B]

Oh yeah.

[G]

And ride the way he was going with it. It was amazing, man.

[C]

And you know what? Meth head's not that strong.

[G]

Yeah. Nah, man, you gotta do the real kind of drug like crack cocaine. Fuck that. Fuck that homemade shit, you know what I'm saying?

[C]

I think this is a cultural thing, David. Yeah.

[G]

You know? Yeah, yeah.

[C]

This is white versus black right now.

[G]

Yeah. That's why all crackhead is so strong. You know what I mean?

[C]

That's why the meth heads, you know, I'll still live with their mom.

[G]

Yeah, exactly. Oh, crackheads live with their mom too. They just live on the other side of the house, you know, they mom

[C]

doesn't know that they're in there.

[G]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

Yeah, they're in the attic. Yeah, yeah.

[E]

Now, David, you've smoked crack before.

[G]

No, I ain't never smoked.

[B]

Really?

[G]

Man, You. Tony, I ain't smoking.

[B]

No, I am. I thought, I thought we were gonna have a good in depth interview about crack. Use you a real.

[E]

You mean you've never smoked crack?

[G]

You're a real fucking asshole, Tony, you know that?

[B]

I mean, I could have sworn this was part of his backstory story.

[G]

Hell no. Look at my teeth. This good. Like crackhead teeth.

[B]

We are not your teeth, David. I was literally there that night. You can't say that. By the way. Here's a little behind the scenes for you. David had a spot in the other room. I was doing this room one night,

[E]

just a normal Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday night of standup. And for some reason he didn't take the night off the day that he got full on teeth implants. And I don't know, Sam, if you've ever had the unbelievable plan pleasure of being in a comedy green room when a comm.

[B]

Another comedian walks in the day of.

[E]

Clearly he needed whatever it is, 75 or 100 bucks or whatever you got paid for that set. You know what? I. I don't know what it is.

[B]

Doesn't matter.

[E]

But clearly he could not spare a night off of work because his entire mouth was swollen.

[B]

He had these.

[E]

I mean, I. David, I. Instead of me rambling about how long. If you had to guess, did I

[B]

make fun of you non stop jokes about your teeth.

[E]

If you had to guess a time

[G]

length, hey, it was a long time.

[B]

Come on, David.

[G]

Like about an hour. Then I gave him the old classic you. Tony and I walked out, you know what I'm saying? It was some good jokes, too.

[E]

Think about what he just said. An hour, ladies and gentlemen, is 60 Minutes.

[B]

That's not like each one of my

[E]

jokes was a minute long. No, no, we're talking about perhaps six to ten jokes per minute for 60 minutes.

[G]

They were. They were that rapid fire. Now they was some good ones. You.

[E]

There's something about. Have you ever seen someone get new teeth the day up?

[G]

Yeah, yeah.

[E]

I mean, like, they were like out. The whole thing was swollen.

[B]

It was crazy.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Did you have to learn how to talk like a horse with peanut butter in its mouth?

[B]

Oh, no, no, it was pretty bad.

[G]

I mean, that. That was. Yeah, that was a rough day.

[B]

But do you remember any of the

[C]

good ones he said to you?

[G]

Nah, they was. I. When Tony started rambling and go on the hot fire, I just block it out, you know what I mean? I'm used to it now. You got to block. Cause he'll keep going. If you act like you ain't paying attention to him, then he'll stop.

[B]

Eventually the whole band's agreeing with you. Like, I bully them all the time.

[G]

You gotta know when to just walk the away, you know what I mean? That's what I usually do.

[C]

I think your teeth look great.

[G]

Thank you, Sam. I think you look great. And your shirt is not too big. You look amazing, man.

[C]

Thank you.

[G]

Hell yeah, man. Little positive energy. How about that? Tony? I know you don't like that.

[E]

So you never smoked crap?

[G]

No, I ain't smok no crazy crack.

[B]

I could have sworn I want to go back when re watch the tapes of your first interviews.

[G]

Hell no.

[B]

I can swear when you had the

[E]

old teeth, you would admit that.

[G]

I ain't never smoked. You know what crack do to the black community. I would not be up here if I smoke crack. I'll be breaking in people cars or something.

[C]

You'd be in Parliament Funkadelic.

[G]

Yeah, they smoke crack, but the crack was different. They were freebasing. You know, something they. They put in a crack. It's the difference between freebase and crack.

[C]

That was that cameo.

[B]

Yeah.

[G]

You know what I mean? Freebase is like cocaine and whatever.

[E]

They know all of these scientists.

[G]

Because I'm from the hood, motherfucker. That's how they teach you that? Yeah, yeah. No, I don't do nothing illegal. I just go on the road and have a good time now, you know, I live a better life. You know, I got health insurance. Wow, that's pretty Good.

[B]

That's very good for a recovering crackhead.

[G]

Hey, you, Tony, you're a real piece of. Tony, you know that crack you have?

[C]

Yeah, of course. How do you like. I lost the weight. No, I. I've smoked crack, though.

[A]

I've done free base, I guess. I've never done crack.

[B]

What the fuck is going on up here? You mean you two have smoked crack and David's offended that I even asked that he smoked crack?

[C]

I have smoked crack. Yeah.

[E]

What was that like, awesome?

[B]

It was.

[C]

I was really high for like 12 seconds.

[B]

Wow.

[E]

Yeah. How about you? How would you describe it?

[A]

I didn't like it. It was very panicky and it smelled like burnt plastic.

[B]

Smells bad.

[C]

And now when I smell it in the wild, I know every time actually, it was really bad. I smoked crack and I brought these guys back from the bar where I got the crack and then they stole my laptop.

[E]

So I would imagine those are the types of things that happen.

[C]

Hey, that's David. I don't know.

[E]

Yeah,

[B]

like, I never smoked crack, but I did steal a few laptops.

[G]

I'm living a pretty good life. And I really don't like that negative energy that's coming from over there. It's a lot of negative energy. And, you know, I'm having a great day.

[A]

Yeah.

[G]

You know, I've never smoked crack, Tony.

[B]

Okay.

[G]

I did cocaine, though.

[B]

How much cocaine have you done in one day?

[G]

What are you talking about? I used to be a bartender. I remember me and this white girl. She. Her name was what, Christy? She was like 135. Me and her move.

[B]

Is that her weight or her credit score?

[G]

£135. She might have been like 115. Actually. She was real little. Like, we were doing cocaine after work one night and we moved a whole two bedroom apartment, just me and her.

[B]

Wow. Cocaine.

[G]

The hell of a job, boy.

[B]

David Jolly, you're the man. Way to get tonight's episode started for us. We love him. America's favorite uncle David Jolly, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. And now we move to the bucket, everybody. This is obviously where the show, you know, this is the meat and potatoes of it. Anything can happen. It could be the next great talent of the world. It could be a crazy person. It could be somebody that's great, that had a rough night. It could be somebody that stinks, that had a great night. Their set could suck. Their interview could be great, or vice versa. Anything could happen. Your first bucket pool tonight, getting 60 seconds uninterrupted, goes by the name of David Edwards. Everyone here we go. David Edwards.

[I]

Hello.

[J]

I know I look like I just fucked a pair of balloons. I've also been known to look like a chicken that just got done pecking the ground is what it is, man. No, guys, really. I just wanted to come out here and acknowledge the fact that I am the unwanted love child of uncle lazer and Ellen DeGeneres. Just the ultimate gay baby. It's been years. They refused to contact me, so I actually moved down here from Utah to get in touch, but I kind of got distracted. Guys, lot of just amazing Latina women here. To all my Latina women, I am like a baboon under the sheets. Brutal hemorrhoids. Guys, it's. It's. Have you guys ever seen the Ring? Specifically the scene where the ghost lady is, like, crawling out of the tv. That's me on the shitter, dude. I am just grunting sweat like an NFL linebacker, dude.

[I]

It is.

[B]

It's.

[J]

It's quite the sight. Thank you, guys.

[B]

David Edwards. Keep it going for his barber, who really got most of the laughs tonight.

[E]

Amazing.

[B]

David, how are you, buddy?

[J]

I'm doing great.

[E]

How long you been doing stand up comedy?

[J]

This is my tenth mic.

[E]

Your tenth mic ever?

[C]

Wow, Mike, calling it a mic is the biggest thing in show business.

[J]

Yeah, professional.

[E]

Typical mic. Just millions and millions of people watching.

[C]

Like most open mics, you know, an attentive crowd, a band behind you.

[E]

Yeah, exactly. So, David, how long ago was the first mic?

[J]

Six months ago, when I moved here.

[E]

Six months ago. What made you want to start comedy six months ago?

[C]

Probably the haircut.

[J]

Yeah, yeah, no, I. Well, in Utah, I fell in love with a bisexual women.

[E]

Bisexual women?

[K]

Woman.

[J]

Yeah.

[L]

Okay.

[E]

There's only one.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[J]

She started to have sex with this blonde guitarist.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Guy or girl?

[I]

Girl.

[J]

She's just getting finger blasted to the moon right now.

[E]

So wait, so she left you for a female guitarist? Is that what you're saying?

[J]

We were never together, Tony.

[E]

You just fell in love with her.

[J]

I fell?

[M]

Hard.

[J]

Hard.

[C]

From how far away did you fall in love with her?

[J]

Mandatory hundred foot.

[C]

Excellent.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

What gr.

[E]

You got this, David?

[J]

My age. My age.

[E]

So how old are you?

[J]

I'm 22 now.

[E]

22. So you moved from Utah here six months ago?

[J]

Yes, sir.

[E]

Awesome. What were you doing with your life up until that point?

[J]

Doing fiber optic works.

[E]

Construction.

[J]

Construction.

[B]

All right.

[C]

Why? Because the end of the cable matched your head?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[E]

Amazing.

[C]

What'd they do, put you in a pipe and you, like, scurried around like a badger?

[J]

I just. A Power outlet, Dude, I don't know.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

So how are you surviving in Austin, Texas?

[J]

I finally got a job, I was in debt. That's why I only have 10 mics.

[C]

Open mics are so expensive.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

It's a big barrier to comedy.

[E]

Exactly.

[J]

Yes, sir.

[E]

If you don't have money, it's hard to do. Go ahead.

[J]

But I finally got a job doing fiber optic works again.

[E]

You specialize in fiber optics?

[B]

Sure, yeah. Wow. Wow.

[E]

Amazing.

[C]

And did you grow up all of your life in Utah?

[J]

Yes, sir.

[C]

LDS or.

[J]

No, no, no, no.

[C]

All right. No, no, that means Mormon jerks.

[G]

Yeah.

[E]

So, David, you're 22. You're starting now. Do you do your hair like that specifically only when you go do stand up comedy or.

[J]

Yes, sir. Yeah, just for tonight.

[B]

Yeah, right, exactly. Yeah.

[E]

So the stuff was working. You got a big laugh coming out and then, you know, you got a good chuckle from Red band on the. On the. What is it? Baboon hemorrhoid joke?

[C]

Yeah.

[J]

Yes, sir.

[E]

But then it kind of. It kind of. It kind of all went away after that. So do you plan on doing more mics?

[J]

Yes, sir. Now that I have a job, I can fix up my jeep.

[C]

And what's your job? Human ferret?

[J]

Yes.

[C]

I'm gonna say this. You came out, you have confidence, you're doing good in the interview. You're doing the funny faces, you have timing, your jokes are gonna catch up to what you're currently doing, and it's probably gonna be a lot easier to do more than a minute.

[B]

Exactly. And you're 22. Thank you. That's how old I was when I started the good age to say, start at thank you.

[E]

So what else are you into in life? Do you have any hobbies or. You collect things? You seem like the kind of guy that would do like those finger skateboards or something like that.

[J]

That's my brother, actually.

[B]

Really?

[J]

He's actually a Yo yo guy too.

[C]

Hey, save some. This guy's brother.

[M]

Yeah.

[E]

Good.

[J]

Believe it or not, I have the looks, so.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

Yeah, you're a handsome kid. You got piercing green eyes. You're just doing a weirdo thing. I get it.

[J]

Thank you.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

So how about you? Your brother's into Yo Yos and finger skateboards. What are you into?

[J]

Well, I was into like hiking and video games and stuff like that, but since moving out, I've just been jacking it.

[E]

Wow. Okay.

[C]

It's illegal in Utah.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[E]

What have you been jacking it to? What are you into? What are your Some of your wild fantasies. Let's talk about it.

[B]

You're 22.

[E]

We don't get to. To talk about jacking it with a

[B]

22 year old very often.

[C]

Not enough.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[E]

Normally we'd have to have our own

[B]

island to have these kinds of conversations.

[C]

And you wouldn't be 22. I'll tell you what.

[B]

Yeah, not on our island.

[C]

We'd have the sweetest young ass.

[B]

Yeah, you'd be a cougar in our world with that lion mane ears.

[C]

You'd be run through and gross.

[J]

We, we, we can still make something happen.

[C]

No, we can't.

[B]

Yeah, we can.

[C]

What? You and us.

[B]

Oh. So, yeah.

[C]

What are your sexual proclivities?

[J]

Well, I kind of had like a rough come up. So step family.

[N]

Mom.

[B]

Okay. Stepmoms.

[E]

Yeah, you said step family first as

[B]

though might be a dad or an uncle in there.

[G]

Category.

[C]

That's like the Brady Bunch stuff.

[E]

So what happened to you in your childhood that makes you think that psychologically you're attracted to stepmoms?

[J]

Oh, well, my mom, she's cool now. She's great. She's killing it. She's like an old man in a rocking chair, man. She's rocking it.

[I]

All right.

[C]

Okay.

[E]

What was she doing before?

[J]

Well, she was like an alcoholic.

[G]

Hard.

[J]

And just wasn't there a lot when she was there. She was drunk and. Oh, she's cool now, man. She's doing great.

[C]

But when she was gone, your new hot stepmom showed up, right?

[J]

No, my dad was a bigger guy.

[C]

So what's wrong with that?

[J]

Well, no, you're looking good now, man.

[C]

Hey, right back at you. Just kidding.

[E]

Well, any other crazy thing we should know about the life of David Edwards? Any fun facts? You ever almost die? You ever save a life? You ever.

[J]

Well, when I graduated high school, I got four baby raccoons. I just kind of found them. So I raised them up and then I let them free, and now there's like so many raccoons in Utah. Dude, that's all me.

[B]

Out of absolutely nowhere at an absolute insane time to come out.

[C]

Eyes up, Eyes up. Thank you, Heidi.

[E]

Okay, that was wild. All right. Okay, here you go. Here's a medium sized joke book.

[J]

Thank you so much.

[B]

Just getting started. David Edwards, everybody.

[C]

David Edwards. Haircuts will take you a long way early in comedy.

[E]

Oh, I'm against it.

[C]

Well, I'm not saying everyone should have cool hair, right? Red band.

[O]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, redband. Gross.

[E]

You know, doing your hair to be able to do jokes, it's just something that I'VE kind of always been against, but you know, he's starting out, he's just getting his legs underneath them. He's got hemorrhoids. He'll figure it out.

[B]

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[B]

You guys get it?

[E]

You having fun yet?

[B]

All right, here we go. Number two goes by the name of Candace August. Everybody, here come Candace August.

[L]

Hey. I am in an interracial marriage and so I'm the only black person in my husband's family. And because of that they always have annoying ass questions for me. One time my sister in law was like, hey Candace, can you please talk to the kids about Juneteenth? That shit pissed me the fuck off. Cause then I had to go look up what Juneteenth was. I had absolutely no idea. I snuck in the bathroom and searched that shit on Google. I was like, oh, this is why I was off work on Monday. Oh, okay.

[D]

What's this?

[L]

Since they always got questions for me, I decided to start making shit up. Just giving us superpowers. They ask me a dumb question, I give them a dumb answer like, hey Candace, do black people like fried chicken? Of course we do. And we can see in the dark. Did you know that? That's my time. Y' all have a good night.

[B]

Candice August, everybody.

[E]

Hi Candice.

[B]

You've been on this show before?

[L]

I have. Hi Tony. Hi Reggie.

[E]

Hello. Very funny. Welcome back, Sam. Is this your first time seeing Candace?

[C]

I think so. And I gotta say, Candace, you came out with like 20 seconds of setup and paid off that Juneteenth joke and I. It was awesome. That was great.

[L]

Thank you so much. Yeah, Sam, it's not our first time meeting?

[B]

No, no.

[L]

We were on two comedy festivals together. One in Santa Fe and one in Hawaii.

[C]

Oh, that Santa Fe one. Can you believe it only lasted one year?

[I]

Yeah,

[B]

I love it.

[C]

It's an industry joke.

[B]

Yeah, I get it.

[C]

And that Hawaiian one was also like, a real. Who cares, Jack off?

[L]

Who the. Going to comedy shows. You live in paradise. They don't give a fuck. They just are like. But it was beautiful.

[B]

It was a beautiful.

[C]

You're telling me.

[B]

Welcome back. Remind us how long you've been doing stand up, Candace.

[L]

Thirteen years.

[E]

Thirteen years.

[B]

Where at?

[L]

All over. Actually, all over the east Coast. I started in D.C. then I did New Jersey, New York, Then I did Tampa, Florida, and then I moved here. Thank you. There's a couple things I want to clear up. Can I have a moment?

[E]

Okay.

[L]

All right.

[E]

So you're clearing up things from previous appearances?

[L]

Yes.

[E]

Okay. How long ago was your last time on the show?

[B]

About Ballpark.

[L]

No, I remember it was in June, 2025.

[E]

Perfect. Okay.

[C]

That's Juneteenth, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

No, let's do it. Let's make our corrections here. Clear some things up for us, Candace.

[L]

All right, so two. It's only two things. So number one, I got really good feedback. They were like, oh, she was so funny. Blah, blah. But then no one could find me because no one spells my name right. My name is spelled K, A, N, D, Y, C, E. Last name is August. Like the month. If you're looking for me online, please follow me. So that was number one. Number two, even though they said great things about my comedy, they said horrible things about my appearance. They were so mean. They were just like, she's so fat. Does she have diabetes? I would like to say the last time I was on the show, that was not me being fat. That was me being pregnant. I just had a baby.

[B]

Wow. Thank you. Wow.

[L]

Thank you.

[B]

Look at that. Red band. Red band. You can use that excuse every week.

[E]

Yeah. I love it.

[B]

You really just had a baby?

[L]

She's two and a half months old.

[E]

Okay.

[C]

Congratulations.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

Do you know whose it is?

[L]

Huh?

[B]

Red band. You can't just.

[E]

Just ask people questions like that.

[B]

That's crazy. Could do.

[L]

What happened to the Mexican dude? Hi, sir.

[B]

What the is going on over here?

[E]

Do you know who the father is?

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

Is that him?

[B]

Yes, my husband, the drummer.

[L]

Okay.

[B]

All right. Perfect.

[C]

I can't believe that people online were mean to a black woman.

[B]

They were.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

They're mean to everybody. And it's a roasty show.

[E]

I wouldn't. I Wouldn't take a two person.

[C]

No, they, they. They say some real wild stuff on.

[E]

Yeah, I know.

[L]

But. Yeah, I know that one of the things that you do on the show is when people need to lose weight, you weigh them and then you invite them back with a weight loss challenge.

[B]

True.

[L]

And I'm ready if you want to do it.

[E]

Really?

[L]

Totally ready.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, you are wearing your jeans backwards tonight. You know, the times are tough.

[L]

That's the problem.

[B]

Buttons are holding on for dear life. Heidi, can we get a scale out here? Let's see what happens here.

[L]

So what is. What is going to be the challenge? Like, how much do I need and when do you want me to come back?

[E]

I mean, I'll give you six months.

[L]

Okay.

[E]

And well, let's see how much you have.

[B]

And then it's a lot.

[L]

It's a lot.

[E]

And then we'll set it's post baby weight.

[L]

So understand that you're still glowing. Thank you. Oh, thank you, Sam. Give it up for Sam. He's such a nice guy. I know you don't remember meeting me, but you were so nice every time.

[C]

I actually do remember meeting you because we hung out in that bad restaurant in Santa Fe.

[L]

We did.

[C]

And your name is spelled with a Y, which I also remember. Yes.

[L]

And remember you said it's pronounced Yucca and I said it's pronounced Yuka.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And that's why we're not friends.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Now I remember canned ice.

[B]

That is true. Her name is spelled with a kid. Candace is on the scale.

[E]

Let's see what we got here. What do you got?

[L]

239.

[B]

239. Red band says that's what he weighs. There's not a chance in hell red band weighs that. Red band famously lies about anything. He once said that he could suck his own dick. Everybody. Not only is he not flexible, but his dick is not big enough to reach that far.

[L]

I was there. That was the arena show, and he failed miserably.

[B]

You think you weigh 239 or less?

[A]

I weigh 239 this morning with clothes on.

[B]

Okay, how about this? I will bet. I will bet $1 million right now that you come in over 239.

[L]

Let's do it.

[B]

No, no, no.

[C]

That's what I'm saying.

[B]

That's what I'm saying.

[L]

No.

[B]

Has anybody ever seen a live $1 million bet before?

[L]

No.

[B]

Anybody want to go live for a quick millie? Million dollars. Million in for Tony. Tony's going to win. No way. 249. 249. I said 249. Last episode, we found out that the

[A]

scale's about 10 pounds off. So you actually weigh about 229 probably.

[L]

You think so?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[L]

Okay.

[E]

No, no.

[B]

Remember last episode? No, it's. It's been recalibrated. We recalibrated it. You want to get up there, see if you weigh less than 239? I'm a little bit nervous. You didn't shake on the back. That so? It's not official, but I'm still guaranteeing 245 or higher here.

[A]

No, I. I meant 249.

[E]

249.

[B]

All right. No, in that case, I'm gonna go 252. 252 is my guess.

[E]

Candace.

[B]

Read it when it pops up there.

[L]

242.8.

[B]

Whoa. Still over 239. A fun fact. I would have won the million.

[C]

All right, I'm gonna get on this.

[B]

I'm gonna go. Oh, my goodness. Sam Telley took his shoes off. Whoa. 252.

[L]

I was waiting for you to put me.

[C]

It's your turn, Tony.

[B]

134. Come on.

[C]

134. What do you got, Tony? 128 pounds.

[L]

150, I think. 166,

[C]

Tony. You should have put my shoes on before you weighed in.

[B]

166.

[E]

You guys all have just at least over 50 or 60 pounds on me.

[B]

Absolutely.

[C]

You remember that?

[E]

Boy,

[B]

I can squish you. That's right. Candace.

[E]

How's mom life going?

[B]

Is that your first kid?

[L]

It's my first. My very first.

[E]

How is it? What have you learned? What surprises you? It's.

[P]

It's.

[L]

It's a lot. Yeah, it is a lot. But she's perfect. She's perfect. She's half black, half Indian. I gave birth to a little Kamala.

[E]

Oh, my goodness gracious.

[C]

That the character from Mortal Kombat.

[L]

New.

[B]

He probably already talks better than Kamala.

[L]

She's actually very smart, very alert. You can see, like, she follows things with her eyes. She's only two and a half months. She's great.

[C]

What a blessing.

[L]

Yeah. Thank you. I love it. I love her so much.

[E]

And the Indian dad is being a good dad.

[L]

He's perfect.

[O]

Yeah.

[L]

So perfect. Watching her right now so I can come out here and follow my dreams, right? Yeah, he's great. He's great.

[B]

When the Indian dad holds her near

[E]

his armpit, does she start to cry?

[L]

No. No, Tony, he smells fantastic. Not being an nailed it.

[B]

Gotta get Some good Indian dad jokes

[E]

in there, you know?

[L]

No, he's perfect.

[C]

What is he, Cherokee or Choctaw?

[L]

No.

[C]

Sometimes you don't know if it's the

[B]

diaper or him that smells. No, no, no. Dance, Red, dance.

[L]

Absolutely not, y'. All.

[B]

He's perfect. He's.

[L]

He's wonderful.

[E]

Amazing. And he works with computers and stuff.

[B]

Yeah, right? I mean, they all do.

[E]

Yeah.

[L]

That's like.

[B]

That's not even racist. That's just a fact.

[E]

Am I correct or.

[C]

They're doctors.

[L]

Well, I mean, he actually has an accounting degree.

[B]

Yeah. Okay. What does he do for work, though?

[L]

He works at a debt consolidation company, helping people get out of debt.

[E]

On a computer? Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[L]

Everything's on a computer, sir.

[C]

And did he clear up your debt?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I don't know how you met. I assume you know, I don't have any.

[L]

Cause I'm with him and he's really good with money. Cause he's an accountant.

[B]

Hell, yeah.

[E]

Amazing. Well, Candace, we're looking forward to seeing

[B]

you in six months. Yeah, let's set the goal.

[E]

So you're at 2. 39 now. What seems reasonable for six months? Sam, you're a weight loss master. What do you think is fair, yet challenging?

[C]

You know what? I feel like if you were able to lose 20 pounds in six months, that's a great step forward in your progress to your goals.

[E]

And I'm gonna jump in here because it seems 20 is a little easy for me.

[C]

That's what you think. You're 108 pounds?

[B]

No, I'm 166.

[C]

Yeah, you have all those gold bars in your pocket.

[L]

Yeah. You never had to lose a pound in your life, Tony. You don't know what you're talking about.

[E]

I used to cut weight for wrestling.

[B]

I used to wrestle. I used to wrestle with man. Best days of my life.

[C]

Was it hard to cut from 115 to 112?

[B]

I did at times and down to 103. When I was a freshman, I had to cut 103.

[C]

I had to cut from 325 to 275. I played football at 325 and have to cut 50 pounds. It's insane.

[L]

Sam, how much have you lost total? Cuz you were way bigger when I saw you.

[C]

Oh, thanks. I'm a human.

[L]

You look fantastic is what I'm saying.

[E]

Thank you.

[C]

Well, I was pregnant when we met. I've lost. I've lost. I think based that, that's 96 pounds.

[B]

Wow. That's more than my fiance weighs.

[C]

I know.

[B]

Wow.

[L]

That's incredible. Oh, the book was great, by the way.

[Q]

I read it.

[B]

Thank you.

[E]

Thank you.

[L]

Fantastic. But that's amazing. Almost 100 fucking pounds. Great.

[C]

I want to get down to, like, 115,

[L]

but you're like, 6 4.

[C]

I'm going to get back to my birth weight. No.

[E]

So, Candice, let's have some fun with this.

[B]

You're 239 today.

[E]

You're coming back in six months. I think we set it at 215.

[C]

That's 25 pounds.

[E]

Let's set it at 25, but let's add a little bit. A little something. $1 million, let's say.

[L]

What do we have? I know what I want to win, but go ahead.

[E]

What do you want to win?

[L]

I would like to win. I just want to be a part of the show. I would like to win. What?

[B]

Shut up.

[C]

They're auditioning for Black Drummer.

[L]

I would like one of two things or both. You tell me.

[E]

Okay.

[L]

Either a golden ticket or a spot at Madison Square Garden.

[B]

Okay, let's make a deal here.

[E]

Let's make a deal, because six months will be after Madison Square Garden.

[L]

Okay?

[E]

So that's impossible. But let's do this. If you lose £25, I'll give you one more spot in addition where you won't have to sign up.

[L]

Oh, beautiful.

[E]

But to make things exciting, since you're 239, if by some miracle you're able to get to 199 or less in

[L]

six months under 200 pounds. Okay. Okay.

[B]

I mean, I'm just saying it's not that hard. Okay, well, if you only eat steaks,

[E]

you'll actually do it. So the stakes would actually be the path.

[L]

Okay.

[B]

All right.

[E]

What is it?

[L]

I'm ready.

[E]

If you get 199 or less, I will put you up at the Moody

[B]

center on New Year's Eve. Go. Sold out. Arena here. Not a little fun. Weight loss challenge.

[C]

And you can do it.

[L]

You can do it. I can definitely do it.

[E]

In the meanwhile, ladies and gentlemen, here's

[B]

a big joke book for you, Candace. There you go. Now she's 240 with that joke book. Look out. Going the wrong direction. There she goes. Candace August, everybody. Hell, yeah. All right, we're having fun up here. We're gonna keep it moving. I'm gonna hand for the lovely Heidi, everybody. Crushing it. All right, your next bucket pole goes by the name of Seabass Matar, everybody. Seabass Matar. Okay, here he is. Hey, what's up? What's up?

[K]

What's up. All right. No gratitude here. No problem. That's the problem with people today. There's no gratitude anywhere. I saw a guy with a full head of hair say he had a bad hair day. I was like, bitch, I look like I drive a Honda CRV as a stepdad. That's what people are missing, man. And one of the things that I was gratefully blessed with was my dad had a heart transplant. So every day he woke up was a grateful day, right? And I got this tattoo in memories of him, and it says, all this extra time, that was my dad's motto. I had a Cuban guy tattoo it, and I was like, mira, Emmanuel, I don't want to see no silent H's in that bitch. No tildes.

[G]

And I love it, and I love

[K]

everything it stands for. But the only thing I regret is where I put it, because it's on my right hand. I gotta go jerk off. I'm like, papi, oh, yeah, you already had your time. You know what I mean? But it does stay true to something my dad always told me. Said life's gonna get hard, life's gonna get rough, but if you need a hand, I'll always be there for you. And I was like, God damn. Not like that.

[B]

Thank y'.

[N]

All.

[K]

My name is Steve Asmart.

[B]

All right, Seabass. Matart. I kind of got lost there. You said the dad had a heart transplant. Did he pass away?

[K]

Yeah, in 2013, but he lived 27. That's what I'm talking about.

[B]

Redband party time.

[K]

He lived 27 years extra with the heart transplant. He was supposed to live five. And he outlived the surgeon who gave it to him, so.

[B]

Wow.

[K]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was supposed to be sterile. Had me seven years later.

[B]

So I.

[C]

Surprisingly enough, this tattoo on your right hand, I had the exact same premise early on in comedy because I have 303 because I'm from Colorado.

[K]

Okay?

[C]

So Right. So. But when you jerk off, it looks like, wow. You know? But if you. But if you want to go. I'm just remembering, if you want to go southpaw, you flip it over, treat yourself, Then it says, mom.

[B]

And that's crazy.

[C]

So it's kind of the same thing, bro.

[H]

Yeah.

[K]

This one, if you kind of look at it, it looks like dick and balls. You know what I mean? So it's always like, my dad reminded me, like, my dick's bigger than yours. And I was like, I guess that. I guess.

[C]

Well, we're not doing tags, but very fair.

[B]

All right, Seabass. Matar.

[E]

Let's talk about it. How long have you been doing standup?

[K]

About eight years now. Closing in on year nine.

[E]

Wow.

[B]

Where at?

[K]

Miami for about four years and then over here for about another four years.

[E]

Okay. How's it going? Good?

[K]

Oh, yeah, it's going dope, man. I mean, I love Austin. I love Main, like, Texas. All of Texas has shown me a bunch of love. And I'm actually moving back to Miami next, next Friday. So this was my last sign up and I got pulled again. I was on here like two years ago, but.

[E]

Okay.

[C]

Texas must have been showing you a lot of love if you're moving.

[D]

No, my.

[K]

That's my wife. My wife and my mom, we need the family.

[E]

They live here with you now?

[K]

My wife lives with me. Our families live in Miami. My mom lives in Miami.

[E]

What ethnicity are you?

[K]

Cuban? Chileno. Yeah. South American, not Mexican.

[E]

Okay.

[K]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

All right.

[C]

We didn't say you were.

[B]

Yeah, the accent.

[K]

The accent Tony said was a little,

[C]

you know, it's Carlos's birthday and it looks like you're ready to play horns with that. Amen.

[G]

Whatever you need.

[B]

How about the wife? What's the wife's ethnicity?

[K]

She's full Cuban. Both parents Cuban, but she's a bit

[C]

of a handful, right?

[E]

Yeah.

[K]

Oh, my God.

[E]

Tell us about the Cuban wife. That's a real firecracker.

[K]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

[Q]

She's.

[E]

How many times have you. Has she broken your glasses?

[K]

Ah, no, never that. Never. Never the glasses? Nah, nah, we've never. Thankfully, I'm very blessed with my wife.

[E]

And you have kids?

[K]

Not yet.

[B]

That.

[K]

We're working on it though. Definitely. That's part of the reason why we're moving back to Miami. Being around family, trying to have kids.

[C]

Easier to conceive when your family's there.

[K]

That's right. Especially in your in laws house because that's where the fuck I'm going.

[C]

All right.

[B]

You're moving in with her parents?

[K]

Yeah, thankfully they got a bit. We're not sharing like a small house. They have a four bedroom house. They're empty nesters. So we're gonna try to get our feet under us over there and then see what we do.

[E]

Very nice. And she believes in you doing stand up. She supports you?

[K]

Yes, thankfully.

[E]

And did the in laws support it? Have they ever seen you do a show?

[K]

Yes, they're actually my biggest supporters. I actually got a show lined up in Miami, just a small little brewery show, nothing crazy. And they're already like, you know, buying tickets and telling all their friends and everything. So, thankfully, the whole family. Thank you all. I appreciate that. They appreciate this.

[E]

Yeah, I think they're doing them an injustice. What do you do for work? What do you do for a job?

[K]

I'm actually a game show host. There's a place called Game Show Battle Rooms just opened up in Austin, Nationwide. And I am a host for the game shows.

[C]

What the fuck are you talking about?

[K]

It's, it's, it's like game shows.

[C]

It's just an escape room and you're ruining it for everybody.

[K]

It's like a higher version of an escape room, but yes, right in that same ballpark.

[C]

What a nightmare. Is that a tough gig for you?

[B]

Not at all.

[K]

It's fun, it's great, people have a blast.

[E]

I think I've seen this before. I think I've seen an ad or a promo.

[K]

Yeah, it's all over. I think it's all over. Yeah, yeah, it's very dope. Honestly. It sounds very like, man, who's gonna come to this? But when people go, they like. I've seen people walk in very like, I don't want to fucking be here because it's a lot of team building. And then when they leave, they're like, oh, my God, this is amazing. So it's a fun time.

[E]

Incredible.

[C]

I'll have to take your word for it.

[B]

You know what that sound means?

[E]

Anyway, Seabass, what's another fun fact about your life before I get you out of here?

[K]

I used to be a hype man for the Miami Dolphins. I actually came out on the Miami Herald is our local newspaper against the Cleveland Browns back in 2016. Jay Ajay drove in the game winning touchdown. I think it was in overtime. And I came out of the Miami Herald like, high fiving him. So that was. That was dope, man, you know?

[C]

What does that have to do with you coming out?

[G]

Yeah.

[C]

Thought you were married to a woman and you're going to have.

[P]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, all right, now, what's Seabass? Man, I didn't know that was a name in Spanish.

[K]

Sebastian's my name. And then Sebas is what everyone would call me. Sebasteva. So then in Miami, 95% of the people speak Spanish and Sebas just stuck. And it was Seabass.

[E]

Well, we hope that you have a wild success in Miami. Keep chasing your dreams. Have a good time.

[K]

Appreciate it.

[E]

Yeah. Here's one last little joke book.

[K]

There you go, another little one. Oh, that's the half Cuban side of me. I would have caught it if I

[B]

was full yeah, the Chilean.

[E]

The chileno would have caught it.

[G]

Yeah.

[E]

Am I saying that correctly?

[K]

Yes.

[E]

What are they known for, the chilenos? I mean, I don't have any racist jokes.

[K]

Empanadas. All right, Easter Island.

[E]

Okay, that's enough.

[B]

There he goes. One more time for Steve as Miami. He goes. That should be a new. That should be a new part of the show. If you don't do good, you have to move to Miami.

[E]

Oh, hello. I didn't see you over there. Just to let you know, this podcast is sponsored by Shopify. Picture this. It's late at night and you're scrolling through your feeds when all of a sudden you see it. That one product that you've been looking for. You click on the link, add to the cart, maybe even shop around a little bit more before finally hitting checkout. As you're filling in your address, you realize you don't have your card anywhere near you. That's when you see it. That purple pay button that has all your information saved, making checkout as simple as a tap of your screen.

[B]

Red band.

[A]

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[E]

Oh yeah. And best yet, Shopify is your commerce expert with world class expertise in everything from managing inventory to international shipping, to processing returns and beyond. If you get stuck, Shopify is always around to share advice with their award winning 24. 7 support. So see, less carts go abandoned and more sales go with Shopify and their shop pay button. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at shopify.com kill Tony go to shopify.com kill Tony that's shopify.com

[B]

go

[E]

to shopify.com kiltoni right now.

[F]

This episode is brought to you by State Farm.

[E]

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[B]

All right, your next bucket poll. Anything can happen folks. Goes by the name of Austin Ingalls, everybody. We're gonna meet Austin altogether.

[E]

Here he is.

[C]

How we doing everybody?

[O]

How we doing? Thank you so much. I'm from the Midwest. My family's old fashioned Is what you say when your family's still racist. And all my friends are starting families of their own. And one of my friends, his kid has Asperger's, ADHD and autism. I can never remember little fuckers names, so I just call him aaa. I used to work at a prison for like three years. And you meet a lot of interesting people when you meet. When you work at a prison. Employees as well. We worked with this one guy who would eat his own hair and if you can believe it, he didn't crush it with the women. There was reason for that. He was into child porn.

[B]

Yeah.

[O]

He got busted at his house with a computer full of child pornography. That was the last time I trusted a co worker with my laptop.

[E]

Thank you.

[O]

I saw a homeless person outside holding a sign that said dying of aids. Could have used that sign before the blow job. Thank you, guys. I'm Austin Ingalls.

[B]

Austin Ingles, everybody.

[E]

Is this your first time on the show, Austin?

[O]

Second.

[B]

It's been a while.

[E]

What did we find out about you last time you were on the show?

[O]

Not much. I bombed the interview pretty hard.

[E]

Really?

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

Can you describe it a little bit better for us?

[O]

Matt Rife was on. I was like one of the first times in comedy that I've had like an out of body experience and it was on this show, so happens pretty terrible.

[E]

Matt Rife does that.

[O]

Yeah, he's a handsome fella.

[B]

Beautiful, that guy. Yeah, out of my body.

[C]

Usually he only does that to women though.

[B]

But hey, speak for yourself there.

[C]

I would never speak for you, Tony.

[B]

That's right.

[C]

Where in the Midwest are you from?

[O]

Like the Quad Cities, Peoria area. Donnie Townsend on your.

[C]

Yeah, I just put out Donnie Town. All right. I put out a special on me.

[B]

Yeah, YouTube.

[O]

On his YouTube.

[C]

It's interesting because I'll be in the Midwest, so I'll be in Chicago and Madison and Grand Rapids where I grew up. I'm doing my plugs.

[N]

Sorry.

[C]

No, but you're wearing the Comedy Cabin. That's a great club.

[Q]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, dude, good for you.

[O]

Thank you.

[E]

So Austin, you really worked at a prison?

[O]

Yeah, for like two and a half years. And then like by Kiwani, Illinois.

[E]

Very. What did you do at the prison?

[O]

Correctional officer.

[B]

Wow.

[E]

Hated it. Tell us something that was. That was going on there. What did you learn that surprised you? Being a crush.

[O]

There are murderers free in the street right now that like murdered people in the 80s and they're just out now.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Tell us something we don't know.

[O]

Yeah, well, I didn't Know that? Oh, yeah, Until I worked as.

[E]

They get probation and stuff.

[O]

Yeah. And one of them was, like, about to die. He was, like, 85. And they're just like, yeah, you can just go, dude, just.

[E]

There's the door.

[O]

He was a great worker, but, yeah, he told me he watched somebody's soul leave their body on pcp. And he's free now, so.

[E]

Okay. All right.

[C]

That was pretty cool.

[E]

What do you do for work now?

[O]

Door guy stuff on Rainey Street.

[E]

There we go, ladies. Maybe go one at a time, bozos.

[B]

There's just two women walking side by side with each other, knocking over everything that exists.

[E]

Absolutely, you idiots.

[C]

You ever see anything crazy like that?

[O]

Ruined everything for me. Thanks, ladies.

[B]

Literally.

[E]

Women can't even. They have to hold on to each other to do anything in society. It's unbelievable. Sorry that the stuff happening out there is more entertaining than you, Oscar, but, I mean, holy.

[B]

I've never really seen anything like it.

[E]

It took two or three drinks getting knocked over for it to get my attention. And then, sure enough, there they are just holding on to each other through a tight alleyway.

[C]

No tits at all.

[B]

Fuck yeah.

[C]

You ever see a man get raped at your job?

[O]

A guy in a wheelchair?

[B]

Oh, I got.

[D]

No.

[C]

I'm going to let that.

[B]

No.

[O]

A guy in a wheelchair was getting raped by another, like, retarded person in health care. I didn't do it. I don't know why you're grounding at me. Like.

[C]

Yeah, I know why you had to say he was.

[O]

He was, though.

[C]

He's a rapist. But you don't have to go crazy.

[O]

He was.

[C]

He's a wheelchair guy. Rapist. We don't have to cast aspersions.

[E]

Let me ask you this. This happened in the showers or something?

[O]

The healthcare area? Yeah, back in the shower areas, like, they have their own little cells.

[E]

Was the guy showering in his wheelchair?

[O]

He just couldn't move. So, like, the. Would go in there and when.

[B]

Jesus.

[O]

I mean.

[B]

And you say it like you just watched it every. Every day. Get the hose.

[C]

Mikey's up to it again.

[B]

I.

[C]

We got to put a bell on Jeff. His wheelchair is all over. Oh, they're using the stoma.

[E]

Did you ever see this take place?

[O]

I see it.

[B]

No, you never saw it.

[O]

I was in the healthcare area on first shift, and apparently this was happening on third shift, so.

[E]

Got it.

[O]

I just. I just missed it, so.

[B]

Damn. Just like the.

[E]

A security camera outside of Epstein's cell.

[O]

Nope.

[A]

At least his ass is clean. The wheelchair guy's ass is probably, you

[B]

know, the cleanest it would ever be. Red band.

[O]

He did get washed by people. Red bands onto something there he was

[C]

getting washed and, like, cleaning a baby in a sink. Right?

[B]

Yeah, if that. But yeah.

[E]

What do you do for work now, Austin?

[O]

Work at a place called Crazy Conscious on Rainy. It's like a door guy, so security. Do some comedy shows there.

[E]

Okay.

[O]

And then just, you know, do spots around town as much as I can.

[E]

All right.

[B]

What else?

[E]

You in love? You have a girlfriend?

[O]

No, I love all the Mexican. It's a Mexican restaurant, so see a lot of beautiful Latinas. And I would love to get with one of those someday.

[E]

Have you ever been with them?

[B]

All right, yeah.

[C]

Quit saying one of those then.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

I'm gonna put you on some game, young blood. All right.

[B]

Hey, hey.

[C]

I want them. One of you should suck me.

[E]

So you've been with a Latina woman?

[O]

Yes, I have. Yes.

[E]

What have you noticed is different being with a Latina woman than a white woman? What is it about them that you think psychologically you find satisfaction from?

[C]

You have to get that they're loyal.

[O]

I mean, they are loyal.

[C]

Getting the corn skin off of the pussy, that's tough tamale. Come on, Carlos. Happy birthday.

[B]

Happy birthday. Oh, that's good.

[E]

They're loyal. That's your answer?

[O]

No, I mean, you know, like, they get psycho and I like that. Like, it was just. I was just hooking up with one and she took it further. So, you know, like, what?

[E]

What do you mean?

[O]

Like, went through my phone when I

[E]

was asleep and just wanted your Netflix password.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

This is an actual thing. That is. You can go through the history of Tony and you will find out that Latina women go through your phone when you're sleeping. A little fun fact for you.

[B]

Jealous as I didn't have.

[O]

It was a Tinder matchup. I didn't think that. I thought we were both, you know, on the same playing field. But she took it further and, yeah, I went through my phone after, like, the second time hanging out.

[E]

When you say Tinder matchup, this was like a first date or something.

[O]

Early second time hooking up.

[E]

We never really hooking up. And she's already going through your phone.

[O]

Yeah. Never really went on a date.

[L]

Okay.

[B]

Red band.

[E]

Stick with the soundboard.

[B]

Stick with the soundboard. There's a lot of buttons you could hit. Look, look.

[E]

Turn up your volume. Look, there you go.

[B]

There you go. Hit that one. It's a perfect time for that one.

[E]

There you go.

[B]

Jesus Christ.

[O]

Then I found out she worked at McDonald's. And she didn't bring me food. I wasn't happy about that. And then the whole night afterwards. Yeah. Is when she went through my phone. So.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

That's crazy.

[E]

On the second hookup.

[O]

Going second hookup.

[C]

Can't imagine.

[E]

Extra crazy. Yeah, that's what Latino women are like.

[C]

Did you eat the McDonald's before you had sex with her?

[O]

No, I didn't. I didn't find out till after. That's why I was mad.

[C]

Because everybody's dead.

[O]

Yeah.

[E]

Amazing.

[O]

Well, don't sound great in that situation, but, Austin, sometimes.

[E]

Here you go. There's.

[O]

Thank you, sir. Appreciate it.

[B]

All right, let's have some fun in here. Right now we have one of our newest golden ticket winners who is an absolute machine. Ready to go. Very funny, man. We love him. You're going to love him. He's getting spots. He just recently got passed here at the mothership from being seen by the talent coordinator, Adam Egot. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back the great Pat o', Neal, everybody. Here he is, the very funny Pat o'. Neal.

[E]

Thank you.

[B]

My son just came out as trans.

[E]

Well, shouldn't call him my son anymore

[B]

now that he's dead to me. They got him on puberty blockers, or as pedophiles call them preservatives, Miracle medicine. The other day at my job, I was explaining puberty blockers to one of the midgets.

[E]

I work in a circus.

[M]

And.

[B]

He goes, there's people choosing to do this. Fucking calm down. Tyrion, you bigot. You there. Sir, let me ask you, what do you call a little person with adhd? That's right. A fidget. Good answer. Speaking of little people, I want to switch topics to school shootings. The ultimate puberty blocker.

[K]

And

[B]

you know, these shootings are often done by the same race. I'm looking at you, honkies. White. White kids need to learn from their black classmates and save the shootings for after school. For them, it's an extracurricular activity. Okay, thank you.

[D]

Wow. Pat o'.

[B]

Neill.

[C]

Every fucking line was a punchline, bro. That's how stand up should be. That's very good jokes.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Jokes, man. No, no. Waste Fucking opportunity to get a laugh out of these people, bro. You respected their time. That got me fired up, dude. That was fucking sick.

[B]

Above and beyond. Me, too. I forgot how good it can be. That is like, not only the set

[E]

of the night so far, but, I

[B]

mean, that's like some of the best

[E]

material I've heard, period, In a long time.

[B]

Fucking love you Pat.

[C]

Preservatives. Preservatives is sick. And then you call back to it like three jokes later in a one minute set. Like, dude, just. Way to go, bro.

[E]

It's amazing.

[B]

I think it's a good crowd too. Who wants some candy? Whoa. You wanted one too? Oh, my goodness.

[E]

Look at that.

[B]

Got a cannon on him. Pat, what's your, like, writing process? Like, how much material do you think

[E]

you have if you were to do the longest set possible? And. And yeah, I'll follow that up with another question.

[B]

I mean, I like, I can do like, there's only so many black and trans jokes you can do in one set, right? So like minute by minute on this show, quite a lot. But like, I've done like 40 minutes

[E]

before when it actually has to be

[B]

like, how about like different topics per week.

[E]

If you had to guess or so or per month, how many new minutes that you like, do you think you're writing?

[B]

I do like 15 new jokes a week and then like three or four. Okay, you know what I'm gonna do, Pat, right now is something that I've

[E]

never done in the show's history.

[B]

Right now, if you want it, you can have it.

[E]

You're the first person ever, I do believe, elevated from a golden ticket winner to a full time regular.

[B]

Yeah, that's a promotion, a live promotion in real time.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Pretty amazing.

[C]

You gotta reward that, man.

[B]

Yes, dude, I want to see it. I want to see it every week, dude.

[C]

I have like hosts on the road who do like the same amount of jokes you did in like a 10 minute set. Pro. Yeah, like keep this coming.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. You could be one of the true greats.

[E]

How old are you?

[B]

30 now. Yeah, man, 30. They always laugh. I know, it's. It's unbelievable.

[C]

You look like Beavis and Butthead.

[B]

You are so built for this. I've said it every time since the first time I saw you. I mean, you are just a true comedian. And now we're going to get to see you every week on this show. Welcome. Your life just got a little bit crazier. Welcome to the family one more time, please, for Pat o', Neill, everybody. Yeah. That's how you do it. It's that easy. You fucking absolutely destroy. You get rewarded if you just do okay. You don't. If you do bad, you get made fun of and then you're embarrassed and then you leave. It's a very simple show. If you're unbelievable, I want to see more of you.

[E]

It's like common sense.

[C]

You can't Reason with the sun. Trust us, We've tried. This summer, it's time to put that angry ball of fire on mute. Columbia's Omnishade technology is engineered to protect you from the sun's harsh rays that

[B]

can burn and damage your skin.

[C]

The sun is relentless, but so is our gear. Level up your [e-mail] to spend more time outside and less time slathering on aloe lotion. You're welcome, Columbia. Engineered for whatever.

[B]

Anything can happen. You guys still having fun out there? Make some noise for your next bucket pool. I mean, again, this could be the future. Anything can happen. Make some noise for Akshay. Hell, yeah. Thank you.

[P]

I've been doing a lot of drugs and dwelling on my traumas and mushrooms showed me that my biggest trauma was learning that Santa Claus was not real. But here's the thing. When you think about Santa when you're on mushrooms, you realize they've been talking about Santa for thousands of years. And they're going to keep talking about Santa for thousands of years, yet I'm only going to live for, like, 80 years. So, in a way, isn't Santa more real than me? So here's my question. If Santa is not real and I'm less real than Santa, then why did it feel real when he molested me at the mall? Our traumas ground us in the physical reality. Thank you.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

What a spooky final line here at the comedy show.

[B]

Spooky is a good adjective for these styles of. Akshay.

[E]

Bimbit.

[B]

Welcome. Thank you. Welcome, Akshay. We met your black wife earlier. How's being a father going for you?

[C]

I was like, I'm going to say it.

[B]

I'll roll with it. No, you're good.

[P]

Is she lovely?

[B]

She was so lovely, actually.

[E]

How long you been on standup?

[P]

I've been all in since COVID but it's been around a decade.

[E]

Okay. Where have you been doing it at?

[P]

I started in New York.

[E]

New York City.

[P]

When I left Wall Street, I moved to la.

[E]

Okay, Wall Street.

[P]

And then I moved with my band from LA to Austin.

[E]

Your band?

[P]

Yes, sir.

[E]

What's the name of your band?

[P]

The Ancient Asses.

[E]

Ooh. Wow. I'm surprised I haven't heard of you.

[C]

Red Band. You're gonna have a hard time Googling that with your search history.

[B]

That's.

[C]

That's. You're. You're gonna have to close some tabs, I think.

[B]

Wow.

[E]

That is amazing. The Ancient Ass.

[C]

Few E's. Sick.

[P]

Few E's.

[B]

The.

[P]

Just.

[C]

What kind of music do you Guys do.

[P]

We're going with post psychedelic is the genre we're rolling with.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

And it says here on your website that you are a drummer. Is that true?

[P]

I am the drummer, yes.

[E]

That's amazing. You know Akshay and I don't. I don't even think think.

[B]

I don't know if you know this. Justin Heights. I don't know if you know this. Do you know about this? There's a part of the show every once in a great while, once every

[E]

10 episodes or so, when we find out someone's a drummer, they have a drum solo off. Are you down to do this?

[B]

All right. Justin Heights is down a. Put the mic in the mic stand there. We're going to hear a little drum solo from Akshay. Whoever I'm guessing is going to play the drums with his bare hands, by the looks of things. Well, there's no Mexican here, so this is our first ever not Mexican drum off. This is our first ever Indian black drum off, everybody. Here we go. This is very exciting. Very good. Red band. Very good. All right, ladies and gentlemen, the first ever Indian black drum up here. He is Akshay Bimbic. Wow. All right. Actually. Yeah.

[E]

Well, yeah, no. Let's do it, Sam. You know what, Justin, before you get back there, because I believe Here. Come this way real quick. We're gonna get to you in just a second. Because I do believe that in this crazy world that we live in, I'm gonna. I'm betting that Sam Talent can actually

[B]

beat Akshay Bembit in this. Drum off. Ladies and gentlemen, this is our first ever Indian white, black drama. That's right. It's the first time you've ever heard that sound effect before. That is terrorist.

[E]

With the friends theme and baking soda.

[J]

Soda.

[B]

Ladies and gentlemen, here to beat action.

[E]

Step back here with Justin so the cameras can get Sam Talon defeating you in your own thing that you do, supposedly.

[B]

Ladies and gentlemen, Sam Talon on the drum.

[C]

Oh,

[B]

Yes. What a show. Unbelievable. Now, here to put the icing on the cake, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the great Justin Hydraulic Heights. Justin, let's bring this party home. Even though we. Without a doubt, without a doubt, Sam

[E]

Talon just beat Akshay.

[B]

But actually, we're gonna.

[P]

He doesn't have talent in his last

[E]

name, so we're gonna bury you one more time.

[B]

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Justin Heights. Oh, yeah. Yes. Unbelievable. And that is your first ever Indian black white drum off. Everybody won except for you, Akshay. Pretty amazing.

[P]

I'm just happy.

[B]

Happy to Be here.

[E]

I love it. I love it, actually. What were you doing on Wall Street?

[P]

Traditional investment banking and that?

[E]

You didn't like that, right?

[P]

I. I got my solid decade in and time to move on.

[E]

You made good money.

[P]

I did okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

Did you save it?

[P]

I did save it.

[E]

And you still have some.

[D]

Yes.

[E]

So you get to live your dreams, you get to play music, you get to do comedy, wear cool outfits.

[P]

Thank you.

[B]

Thank you. Yeah, yeah.

[P]

Pursuing comedy and music is pretty much all I do. And trying to get it all off the ground.

[E]

I love that. I love that. What else, actually, do you have a job now or are you just going off your savings?

[P]

I'm just going off savings.

[B]

Nice.

[E]

Very cool.

[B]

Thank you.

[E]

How much do you have left?

[P]

Enough to be present right now.

[B]

Can I guess?

[E]

And you tell me higher or lower? Would that be okay? You're gonna be shocked.

[P]

That would not be a fun game for me now.

[C]

Yeah, but it's fun for them. The millions of viewers at home.

[B]

Yeah.

[P]

You already had two drummers beat me. You know, just go easy on that, all right.

[E]

Actually, I was gonna guess. I was gonna guess $550,000. Is it higher or lower? It's less than that. Oh, damn.

[C]

$545,000.

[P]

But I don't need much more to be happy, so.

[B]

That is true.

[E]

That's a good point. What makes you happy? What brings you great joy other than comedy and playing music? Give us one more fun fact about action.

[P]

I've been taking shepherding lessons with my dog. Learning to become a shepherd.

[C]

Talking action. Y. Yeah, you should have led with this. Okay, You're a nomadic. What kind of things are you going to shepherd?

[P]

Well, goats is all.

[B]

Sorry, not goats.

[P]

Sheep is all the training facility has,

[C]

so I got too excited for this.

[B]

What kind of dog is he? He is a blue heeler.

[P]

Cattle name is Wiley and he's adorable. But we'll you up.

[E]

Yes, he will. I once. Yeah, we once had a friend that had a blue heeler, and this was a very long time ago. And yeah, that dog was ruthless.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

To say the least.

[C]

Did you call them blue healers? We call them blue tick healers where I grew up.

[P]

I actually just bought him a shot collar.

[C]

We're talking.

[B]

Okay, sorry, sorry.

[C]

We're trying to get down to the recent differences in dog names, so. No. What were you saying? I'm very sorry. You killed a moment.

[P]

Move on.

[C]

No, no, we can. I don't think I did.

[E]

Do you know why they called it them healers? No, I actually found your heels.

[B]

Yes, yeah.

[K]

Yeah.

[E]

That's what they do. That's right. You knew that, right?

[P]

I did know that. And I actually bought him a shock collar. And no kidding. I was inspired by Timmy no Breaks his performance.

[B]

Yeah.

[P]

Legendary to make that happen to get the nip out. I live with my bandmates, and one of the dog does not. Does not like one of my bandmates.

[E]

So why. What do you think it is about that bandmate that the dog does?

[P]

I don't know. I think he.

[C]

Is he shiny?

[P]

Maybe has seen into his past life and doesn't approve. I don't know. That's about all I can think of.

[A]

You should look up Hassan shot collar.

[C]

You might like that.

[O]

Okay.

[P]

Weird kink I don't know about.

[B]

Sure.

[E]

Okie dokie.

[B]

There's red band again. On the mic, please.

[E]

All right, Akshay. Anything else crazy we should know about?

[B]

You?

[E]

You have a girlfriend?

[P]

No girlfriend.

[E]

Okay.

[B]

Okay.

[E]

You into women?

[P]

I am into women.

[E]

What's your favorite type of woman? You could have anyone. What would it be?

[P]

Well, apparently, lack.

[B]

All right. All right.

[E]

Okay.

[D]

All right.

[C]

Now, why. Why do you have this affection for the. For the ebony goddess?

[P]

Because it was bestowed upon me by you guys.

[E]

So, actually, here's a little brown joke

[B]

book just like you. A little brown joke book. Akshay Bimbit kill to Tony debut.

[E]

And the show just keeps moving along.

[P]

Thank you.

[E]

You're welcome, Akshay. There he goes, everybody.

[B]

One more time for Akshay, everyone. All right. Your next bucket pool. This is an easy to say name after Akshay Bimbit.

[E]

It's spelled very hard. This one's easy. Joe Jacks. Everyone make some noise for Joe Jacks.

[M]

Jo.

[I]

What's up, dogs? Chill. I was watching Forrest Gump the other day. Where my Gump heads at? I don't know. I just had this thought when I was watching the movie. Is, you know, the plot of the movie. It's like a guy, like, goes through history. He's, like, slow. He doesn't know what's going on. I thought it would be really funny if Forrest Gump was involved in a bunch of really racist shit and had no idea. You know, it's like I went to the woods with my new friends. All of a sudden, we was dressed as ghosts. They started burning a big tea, and I left because I got. Vietnam. Lieutenant Dan's just, like, waterboarding Vietnamese villagers. Forest in the corner. Like, August. They was thirsty.

[B]

Mama said bubba.

[I]

Was it?

[E]

Fuck yeah. Joe Jacks, welcome to the show.

[B]

Joe, this is your first time on, right?

[I]

Yes, sir.

[B]

Welcome.

[E]

How long you been on stage? Stand up.

[I]

It's like seven years. Ish.

[E]

Where at?

[I]

I started in Orlando. My boy, My boy Cam.

[E]

Where my boys in New York now?

[I]

Yeah. Yeah. Started out in Orlando. Came in his public's uniform. I don't know, I just want. Yeah.

[E]

How old are you?

[I]

I'm 26.

[E]

Okay, 26.

[I]

I know I look like a lesbian and I can't grow a beard, but

[C]

you look like Tig Nataro.

[I]

Dude, that's not cool, man.

[C]

I thought you were very nervous when you came out, but you totally landed it, you know?

[I]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Good work.

[E]

Yeah. Very comfortable, very cozy. It makes sense you started at 19, you're 26.

[I]

And I was even cuter back then, bro. I know I'm cute as fuck now, but it was, you know, saying curse words on stage. They loved it.

[E]

All right, Joe, what do you. What do you do? What do you do for work?

[I]

I'm like blue collar esque. I hang blinds. Like job sites.

[E]

You hang blinds?

[I]

Yeah.

[B]

Good thing D. Madness is in here right now. That would be terrible. That'd be horrendous. Boy, he chose the right time to go pee. Wow.

[E]

How long you been hanging blinds for?

[I]

Only a few months. I'm still earning my, you know, my man status.

[E]

How do you get into the hanging blinds business? You just get a footstool and say,

[B]

let's go to work.

[I]

Four foot ladder.

[C]

I figured their dog just bit you one too many times.

[I]

I mean, I am an alpha male.

[C]

Joe, you're rubbing off on me now. Joe, with the blinds, are you enriched people's homes quite often?

[B]

Not really.

[I]

It's just like construction sites and stuff. But we're the finishers, so we get air conditioning and it's pretty tight. I mean, it is blue collar and I feel like a man when I say that on dates, but really it's like the easiest, the easiest shit I could be doing.

[E]

That's great. It's good that you found a job like that. How often are you going on dates?

[I]

I'm. I mean, I was in a little bit. A little bit of a non pussy getting

[E]

era.

[G]

And now I'm.

[D]

Now I'm back.

[B]

Dude, I got.

[E]

Okay, let's talk about the difference between

[B]

a non pussy era and a pussy getting. Getting error.

[I]

You know, like, like spoon.

[C]

This woman's an expert.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[I]

Spoon in your pillow thinking about your ex. And then the non getting era is like, you know, like every couple weeks it's like something new.

[E]

Okay, so you're on like dating apps and stuff. Like that?

[I]

Yeah, I use hinge. It's not great. You know, I want to meet someone in real life.

[C]

Go to a bowling alley with a hundred dollars. Yeah. You walk in there with, like, a cool chain, maybe a swinging pair of sunglasses, you know? Yeah, Maybe you're black and good at drums, too. That'd be.

[I]

I don't know.

[B]

Have a little rhythm.

[I]

I can't imagine going up to a stranger.

[B]

Why?

[C]

You went up to a bunch of strangers and you did the job.

[I]

And being horny, too, though. That's like.

[E]

I want to see what it's. I want to see you talk to a woman. I want to see what it's like when you talk to. Because you're so comfortable on stage. I can't believe.

[B]

Where's Heidi? Can we get Heidi up here? Heidi? See what happens if he tries to look Heidi right in her eyes? Because that's where we all look when Heidi's around. Right in her eyeballs.

[R]

You're supposed to look at me.

[B]

I'm over here.

[I]

Tony, why are you doing this?

[B]

Get a little spotlight Kino. Come on, Joe, go for it.

[I]

Are you from Tennessee?

[R]

No, I grew up in Wisconsin.

[I]

Fuck. That ruins the rest of the. Cuz you're the only ten eyes see.

[E]

Oh, where my dogs now you got

[B]

to roll with Wisconsin. She gave you Wisconsin to work with.

[E]

What would you say if she said Wisconsin?

[I]

Wisconsin is nuts.

[G]

No.

[B]

Oh, Jesus. I mean, now, Heidi, that's not what

[I]

I expected out of this.

[C]

Now, Heidi, when you hear that, are you soaked?

[B]

Immediately dripping.

[I]

You guys took my phone. I was going to get the inside Instagram, dog. No, I mean, I'm. I'm sensitive and. What's up?

[R]

There's something about you that's just so charming. I can't, like, put my finger on it, though.

[C]

What's.

[I]

What's your pronoun? Shorty.

[B]

She her

[A]

taller than you, dude.

[I]

Yo, yo. I'm trying to she them titties.

[R]

Did you go home and practice this? You're actually so good.

[I]

I told you, I get a lot of pussy.

[B]

Incredible. He's really coming out of his shell.

[I]

I said, did I mention blue collar, y'?

[C]

All?

[I]

You need your curtains hung or

[L]

you

[R]

can hang my curtains any day.

[B]

Wow. Look at that. Oh. Oh, my goodness.

[I]

I love you.

[B]

Wow. Absolutely amazing. What a first moment.

[R]

Are we. Are we going to start dating right now?

[I]

Hey, I'm looking for love, dude.

[B]

Me too.

[I]

I'm out here. How old are you?

[R]

I'm 10 years older than you.

[B]

Perfect.

[I]

That's awesome. Yeah. Let's hang out after this. What are you doing?

[R]

Look at it right now. I'm on kill, Tony.

[I]

No, after where? There's a bar of Mama Deer serv.

[R]

I don't drink, but.

[I]

Get her out of here, bro.

[E]

Who's.

[B]

Wow, look at that. Amazing.

[I]

I'm. I'm. I'm serious.

[B]

Amazing. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi, everybody? Unbelievable. She's the fucking best. Should you check out her website, heidi?

[C]

Regina.com Now Redban Heidi sat on the table. If you want to smell it, I will.

[B]

Oh, he will be right after the show. Watch him walk out of here. Ladies and gentlemen, a fun fact for those of you that get to linger

[E]

during the end of the show, you will.

[C]

D Madness comes floating through the curtains like a cartoon smelling a pie d

[B]

no, this guy hangs blinds. He hangs blinds d no,

[E]

This guy says he hangs blinds D Madness. What do you think about that?

[B]

I don't like it.

[I]

Yo, get him out of here.

[B]

Joe, Very fun times. You did very good. Very amazing interview. Everything went absolutely perfect. You're 19. I mean, you're 26. You started at 19. I don't think anything stop you, dude. Just keep, keep at it. There he goes.

[C]

Joe.

[B]

Jack. She saw him here first.

[I]

Appreciate you.

[B]

The fun train keeps moving along.

[C]

That was really funny.

[B]

Yeah, that was really funny. He was great. Quick, improviser. Heidi's great.

[E]

He was great.

[C]

Heidi, you're a dream.

[B]

She really is. How about another hand for Heidi, everybody? A beloved. Beloved part of the kill. Sony.

[C]

She always gets turned down by God.

[A]

Christ, it's so sad.

[B]

All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket bowl goes by the Name of Aaron McPherson, everybody. Aaron McPherson.

[N]

Damn. All right, hold on. All right.

[B]

It's your boy, the Pipe layer.

[N]

The throw throat slayer. It's the Immaculate pimp. No draws, man. And I'm here to fuck. But not just anybody in particular I gotta thank in particular for disgusting bitches. Yeah, the nastier the better. Like a bitch. If you go to the gym, I don't want it. But if you could be on my 600 pound life now that's my kind of bitch. And you know why, dude? They give you money, man. That's why I'm also known as Deuce Bigelow, the American Negro Gigolo. I be charging $250 a pump. Got lifting big ass, legs up and shit. I'm trying to get swole. But see, when you like these disgusting things, sometimes you forget to turn off your Bluetooth, you know, and then you be, you know, doing your thing. 30 seconds into the Video. You're like, fuck, Ain't no sound. Then you hear a car door slam. He like, oh, well, anyway, more of the story is it. I'm Mary McPherson. Thank you.

[B]

All right, Aaron McPherson.

[C]

We had David Jolly. Now we have David Melancholy.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

Here he is with no hesitation.

[B]

When he came out, Red band called him Fat Kanye. He whispered in my ear, he goes, oh, Fat Kanye.

[E]

And he's.

[N]

I've heard him the best.

[E]

Pretty amazing.

[B]

Red band hoopity.

[E]

Oops.

[B]

Welcome to the show, Aaron.

[E]

I have so many questions for you. Let's start here. How long you been doing stand up?

[N]

For about six years now.

[E]

Okay, where at? Detroit? Jacksonville?

[N]

No.

[B]

Atlanta?

[N]

No, man. From Kansas, man.

[B]

Whoa.

[N]

Yeah.

[E]

And that. I was 5,000 guesses away from nailing that. What do you do? What do you. Why can't Kansas.

[N]

That's where I was born. Shit, I don't know.

[C]

Where in Kansas?

[N]

Winfield. And then I used to do it out of Wichita. That's where I started.

[C]

Now where are those places exactly?

[N]

One's got an airport, Wichita. The other one, I live 45 minutes south of that in the country.

[C]

What do you do in the country?

[N]

Hunting shit. I used to ride some pigs once upon a time. But now I live here though, so. Hey.

[E]

Okay, so, Aaron, let's talk about your choice of women. You said that you would be into a 600 pound bitch. I do believe you, sir. Where do you find these women at? Where do you find these big bitches?

[N]

Shit, at your local country bar or something, you know?

[E]

Okay. Have you been with some in Austin? How long have you been here?

[N]

For about four years now.

[E]

In Austin?

[N]

Yes.

[E]

Okay. And you go to your local country bars and you find big white?

[N]

Hell no.

[E]

Oh, no.

[N]

I just do it for the love of the money.

[E]

For the love of the money?

[N]

Yes.

[E]

Like the OJs, famous artists out of the state of Ohio that wrote the song for the Love of Money. It was the theme song of the Apprentice. Donald Trump bought the rights to it in order to save money because he thought the show was going to get picked up many times. And it did. Smart move. Anyway, Aaron McPherson, let's get back to it. So you do like the last big woman you were with, where'd you find her at?

[N]

On Facebook. Dating.

[B]

Oh, hell yeah. That is a fun fact. That is the app for 600 pound bitches.

[C]

That and Facebook Marketplace too.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Facebook.

[B]

Dayton.

[N]

Yes.

[C]

Is that Dayton, Ohio?

[E]

Okay, so tell us, Aaron, what are some of your favorite things about hooking up with a bigger woman?

[N]

Shit, they pay me some money. Shit, Everything can be used.

[E]

Oh, you're talking about, like, fucking a flap or something.

[N]

Shit. You never know, man. I don't know.

[E]

The back of a knee or something.

[B]

Something.

[N]

It happens. But they. They request these things.

[E]

They what?

[N]

They request these things.

[E]

Okay, like what. What are some requests that you've gotten

[N]

me in the back of my knee?

[E]

Okay. All right.

[C]

Do you lube it up?

[N]

No, I'm gonna put some chicken grease in there. Shit.

[E]

Aaron, you are a wild guy. What do you do for work?

[N]

Should I valet?

[C]

Oh, my God, I'd love to hand you my keys.

[N]

Wow. Ballet. I grill some chicken and shit.

[E]

You what?

[N]

Be grilling some chicken and ribs and shit.

[E]

You grill chicken and ribs?

[N]

Yeah, I was just selling some tonight. Yeah.

[E]

You were what?

[N]

I was selling some.

[E]

You're selling chicken and ribs?

[N]

Just chicken today. No ribs.

[B]

Where are you selling this chicken out of exactly?

[N]

Shit. At the back of the bar, over around the way.

[E]

You're making chicken and selling it tonight out of the back of a bar?

[N]

Yeah, it's so. Yeah. It's sold out, though, already. You know, all the other conversated.

[E]

You sold out of chicken tonight?

[B]

You made chicken out of the back of a barbecue?

[N]

No, I didn't make it out the back.

[D]

I brought it.

[N]

I already grilled it.

[B]

You grilled it at home?

[N]

Yeah.

[C]

Come here to be on Kill Tony, or to sell chicken outside of Kiltoni?

[B]

Both.

[N]

I'm trying to get paid.

[B]

I love it. I love the hustle. Barbecue chicken. What kind of chicken you got?

[N]

Yeah. Barbecue chicken. All day, every. Yeah. I make the best motherfucking barbecue chicken in all of Austin, Texas. Yeah. Fuck with me.

[E]

This is incredible. You are a true walking stereotype. This is amazing.

[C]

No, he said barbecue chicken.

[N]

Yeah.

[C]

I think the traditional rating.

[N]

I don't. With fried chicken.

[E]

You don't with fried chicken. Tell us about that. Why do you not with fried chicken?

[N]

Trying to watch my. I'm trying to watch my figure, man.

[B]

So you're sticking with grease?

[E]

So you're sticking with grilled?

[N]

Yeah, grilled chicken. It's a little bit healthier.

[E]

Wow. Sugary barbecue sauce, red band, actually looks at the details of everything. Yeah. And he knows that there's sugar in barbecue sauce. He learned this because of his doctor's advice, I'm sure.

[B]

Weight Watchers.

[E]

There you go. All right, Aaron, this is an interesting interview. How many times have you ever been arrested?

[N]

No, no.

[C]

Are you saying that just so you can maintain your chicken license?

[N]

Shit. License.

[C]

We're not gonna tattle license. Is that. Can you walk us Through a bit of, like, your chicken preparation process.

[N]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[E]

Where do you buy the chicken from originally?

[N]

Heb.

[B]

Okay, we love Heb. We love H E B around here.

[E]

All right, so you buy the. How much chicken do you buy at once?

[N]

I just bought three packs tonight.

[E]

Three packs?

[N]

Some slight cheap. Yeah.

[E]

And then what kind of barbecue sauce are you using?

[N]

Famous Dave's.

[E]

Famous Dave's barbecue sauce. You ever use Sweet Baby Ray's?

[N]

I have, but it's not good for the barbecue. No, I don't like it.

[E]

It's not good.

[N]

Good for dipping.

[E]

Can you describe the difference for our black fan base? What the difference between Famous Dave's and Sweet Baby Rays is exactly? Can you describe it? It's one little more bold or savory or sweet.

[N]

Famous Dave's just. It just tastes better.

[E]

Okay.

[N]

Yeah. I don't know.

[C]

Yeah, this is the worst plug ever.

[N]

Yeah, Famous Day. It's just better. It tastes better. They actually use. I don't know. It just. Sweet Baby Ray's for white people, man.

[E]

Oh. Famous Stage is an actual restaurant. All right. Okay.

[C]

Well, you know, I always think Sweet Baby Ray's more of a rib type application there. We meet in the middle here.

[N]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we can meet in the middle.

[C]

We're not so different, you and I. The nation's healing right now. This is.

[N]

Yes, it is.

[B]

Yes.

[E]

All right, Aaron, you are leaving here with a. I only have one of these. It's a black. The Black medium joke book. There you go, pal. There he goes.

[B]

Aaron McPherson, the reviews of Famous Dave's

[E]

barbecue sauce are absolutely amazing. They are all five star reviews. Isn't that incredible? Have you ever seen anything that has all five star reviews? Is there a single one star review on Famous Daves?

[B]

There is.

[E]

Let's see what that looks like. Wait, what?

[C]

Why are you looking at your phone when your laptop's open?

[B]

Oh, he's not logged into Amazon. They don't let you see one star reviews.

[E]

We're doing a little digging to find out what kind of human being could possibly complain about a barbecue sauce. Oh, there's no one star, but there is one.

[B]

Two star.

[C]

This is Russian bots for sure.

[E]

Oh, wow, look at that. All right.

[C]

Hey, Tony, I love you, but I think that was probably the worst moment in the history of the show.

[B]

Well, you'd be surprised. We. We have had some amazing moments reading reviews of things in the past, but it turns out that people just hit two star and. And didn't leave a review at all. And I'm guessing Sweet Baby Ray got online and left that review. All right, you guys still having fun out there? All right, here we go. Your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Paul M, everybody. Paul.

[H]

So I don't know why, like, women get all upset when you ask them to make them a sandwich. It's not that hard. It's not like we're asking ladies to smoke as a brisket. Takes time and patience, qualities of which no woman possesses. So black people can't get lice. Just so you know, like, 97% of the cases are like, white people. Which makes sense if you think about it, because, like, if I was a parasite, I wouldn't have to feed off inferior blood either. I would only want the best and the purest blood for my family. My name is Paul Mendoza. I am from Napa, California. It's a very beautiful place, filled with beautiful people, very low crime. A lot of people know Napa is a wine country. Well, they don't know that it's an acronym. Stands for no African people allowed. But we do allow the Mexicans. You know, grapes aren't gonna pick themselves.

[B]

All right, Red band. Thank you. A lot of oohs and ahs, but you know what? I kinda liked it.

[E]

Paul M, welcome to the show.

[H]

Thank you.

[E]

How long you been doing stand up, my friend?

[H]

One month.

[E]

One month. Oh, they are.

[C]

I've heard all those jokes before.

[E]

Oh, I didn't. I don't. Have you heard those jokes before?

[C]

Yeah, for sure. The thing about tics don't go on black people.

[B]

I mean, I don't know who the fuck you've been hanging out with, but I never heard that before.

[C]

You know, the Internet's a big place and there's a lot of big ideas,

[E]

you know, I mean, I'm sure.

[B]

I'm not arguing with it. I'm just.

[E]

I'm just.

[C]

You've heard that joke before, right? Red band.

[A]

Yeah.

[H]

Yeah, I'm. I didn't know that.

[B]

What are you [e-mail]? i've never. We go to Reddit.

[C]

I grew up in rural Colorado. I heard them all.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And I wrote a couple of the best ones.

[B]

Paul.

[E]

So, Napa. Brisket sandwich. Brisket thing. What's your writing process like, Paul? What made you want to start stand up?

[K]

I don't know.

[H]

I just kind of like going on stage and making ass myself.

[B]

Oh, yeah?

[E]

You've been having fun doing it?

[H]

Oh, yeah.

[E]

How old are you?

[H]

I'm 40.

[E]

What have you been doing? Jesus.

[B]

Wow. Fuck. Fuck. Okay. Holy shit.

[C]

You look like one of the guys from Ed, EDD and Eddie, all grown

[E]

up,

[C]

racist, this hack.

[B]

What have you been doing with your

[E]

life up until this point?

[H]

I ran a dog kennel for, like, 20 years.

[E]

A dog kennel?

[N]

Yeah.

[E]

Okay. What made you get into the dog kennel business?

[B]

Just.

[H]

I dropped out of high school and just went to trade school to become a dog groomer and a trainer, and that's just what I did.

[E]

All right. Craziest thing about your life that we would find surprising. Paul M.

[H]

Absolutely nothing.

[B]

Perfect. There he goes.

[C]

Paul lamp.

[E]

There he goes.

[B]

We're gonna keep moving along here.

[E]

We're gonna just fly through it. Thank you, Paul. Hell, yeah. You know, just keeps moving along.

[C]

They are good jokes. I'm not arguing that.

[E]

Hey, I mean, I don't know.

[B]

I just didn't. I just haven't heard it. I don't know. We're gonna keep moving along.

[E]

He's a month in.

[B]

You know, who knows?

[O]

Knows?

[E]

Maybe it'll get better.

[C]

Just don't steal jokes. That's all I say.

[B]

Yeah, obviously.

[E]

Definitely don't steal jokes.

[B]

You heard the Napa thing before?

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[E]

Jesus.

[I]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

I can't believe it here.

[B]

I mean, if you guys weren't here, I would have given him a golden ticket. Yeah. All right, your next bucket bolt goes by the name of Sammy Smith, everyone.

[E]

Sammy.

[B]

Sammy Smith.

[Q]

What's up, you filthy fucking animals? It's 2026, guys, okay? If you're making good financial decisions in 2026, man, you a. Okay.

[B]

All right, listen.

[Q]

Let me tell y' all something. Money's digital and life is perspective. If I pull my bank account up right now and I cover up that little hyphen, man, I'm rich as fuck.

[B]

Ain't shit.

[Q]

You can tell me. Yeah, I'm broke, and I'm not broke because I go to the strip club, but I do go to the strip club, even though I'm broke. You know, when I go to the strip club, I go with a smooth $40. Yeah. But it's $20 to get in. So when I go to the strip club, I got $20, and a lap dance is about $40. So when I go to the strip club, I'm looking for a bargain.

[B]

Yeah.

[Q]

I walk in that bitch like I'm Indian. I'm looking for a very good deal. Yeah,

[B]

right. Sammy Smith.

[C]

Racism can be funny.

[Q]

Yeah, it's not bad. Not bad.

[C]

Yeah. Good work, man.

[E]

Sammy, how old are you?

[Q]

I am 25. I'm about to be 26.

[E]

Okay. How long you been on stand up.

[Q]

Two years.

[E]

Two years. All of it here in Austin?

[Q]

No, I started in Columbia, South Carolina, and. And then it was the scene out there, real small. So I was like. I was like it. I decided I was going through some things that time. I was broke as a. I was landscaping. I was like it. I decided I was going to live in my car. I was driving a 2001 Ford Focus. It was a two door. It was a tiny car.

[B]

Yeah.

[Q]

I was like, I'm living this shit. I went to Orlando, Florida. I lived in my car out there for like a month to just like, test it out. And then I came out here, and I was having a blast in Florida being homeless. But then when I came out here, I was like, yeah, this shit don't. You know, I hear the market is saturated.

[B]

Yeah.

[Q]

Too much complex.

[B]

You are correct. Wow.

[E]

So can you tell us the difference between. Can you explain it to the people? Because they don't all know what the difference between being homeless in Orlando and homeless in Austin is. Like.

[Q]

Well, Orlando's right in the middle of Florida, so, like. And I'm living in my car, so I can go anywhere. I was living on the beach, man. Going to Daytona, going to Tampa, you know, Orlando. It's fun. And, you know, people in Orlando, they're having. People in Florida in general having so much fun that everyone's kind of home homeless out there, you know, I mean, in spirit. Everyone's spiritually homeless in Florida. Nobody goes to Florida to find themselves, you know?

[B]

Yeah.

[Q]

Emma and my sister lived out there, so it was convenient. Shout out Sophie.

[C]

Wait, her name is Sophie?

[Q]

My sister's name is Sophie.

[C]

My sister's name is Sophie and my name's Sam.

[B]

Oh, right there. Do you hate her, too?

[Q]

No, I'll not play out.

[B]

She.

[Q]

She's all right.

[C]

Wait, your sister or mine?

[Q]

Well, I hate yours now.

[M]

Come on.

[Q]

Hey, I yours, you mine, bro.

[N]

It was.

[B]

Whoa, look at this.

[C]

That's a good deal she does. You are her style, I'll say that.

[Q]

Oh, right on, right off.

[C]

You have. Yeah, your skin is the right tone.

[Q]

Oh, yeah. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[C]

She's happily married to a black guy, though, so.

[Q]

All right, man, we can change that.

[C]

Oh, come on, sister.

[B]

How about that?

[C]

I'm gonna. You, Sammy.

[M]

I'm sorry.

[B]

Anytime, bro.

[Q]

Can I get a spot? You know, I can open.

[C]

I don't book anything.

[Q]

You don't?

[C]

You can open off stage.

[Q]

Oh, okay. Now I'm nerd.

[M]

Now I.

[C]

You're doing good, Sammy.

[B]

You're a very Naturally.

[E]

Funny young man. Tell us more about your life.

[Q]

My life, man, I've. I feel like I've lived multiple. I'm very young, but I. I've lived a lot of places. You know, I've had a lot of jobs. I didn't go to college because. That's correct. Yeah.

[E]

What jobs have you done? What have you been doing?

[Q]

Well, when I first moved to it. Well, when I moved to America when I was 16.

[E]

I don't care.

[Q]

From England.

[E]

What?

[N]

Yeah.

[B]

These people say anything nowadays and not get.

[C]

This is.

[Q]

No, this isn't. Like I lived a weird. I had a weird childhood.

[B]

How'd you.

[E]

How'd you end up being. Being born in England.

[Q]

I wasn't born in England. I was born in Malaysia.

[E]

Okay, so you went from Malaysia to England and then England to America. What was the.

[Q]

Yeah, kind of. So my earliest memories were in Atlanta, Georgia. I was like. Yeah, I think I started like. I think I was like conscious at like 4 years old. Cause I don't really remember anything before then, but I was in, you know, Atlanta. And then my family, we lost our green card, so we moved to Trinidad. Trinidad and Tobago. It was a good time, you know?

[B]

Yeah.

[Q]

Lived there for like three years. Parents got divorced, I moved to England. My dad, my brother, my mom, my sister, they moved to South Carolina. When I was 16, I moved to South Carolina. And yeah, South Carolina sucks, man. I'm sorry. I got a love hate relationship with South Carolina.

[E]

What made you move 16 to South Carolina?

[Q]

So I was living with a teacher because the boarding school I was going to closed down.

[E]

The boarding school?

[Q]

I was. No, no. So I was in boarding school and the boarding school closed down.

[J]

So.

[B]

But.

[Q]

And, but my dad wasn't in England at the time he wanted. I was supposed to finish school out there. I lived with a teacher and then

[E]

like a guy or a girl who? The teacher.

[Q]

Oh, teacher. It was a woman.

[E]

Okay. One of those teachers was.

[Q]

No, no, no, no. She had a family and shit.

[E]

Okay. She was being nice.

[Q]

Yeah. She like, she worked at the boarding school and she knew that I had to finish like secondary school out there. So she was like, you can finish your last year with us.

[C]

Did you ever finish inside of her?

[Q]

No, no. It would have been nice. No, no, no, no, no.

[C]

We were all wondering if he fucked the lady.

[K]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Q]

It wasn't porn.

[B]

Yeah. So 16, you're in South Carolina.

[E]

What was it like getting to like hang out with your mom for the first time?

[Q]

For the first time. I mean, it wasn't the first time. But it was. It was nice, you know, but it's like, you know, I was away from her for, you know, a while. So it's like, you know, you grow up away from your parents, you go back, they think you're still like the kid, but you're, like, traumatized now. You know

[B]

this great natural answer.

[E]

So, Sammy, there you are. And now you've moved here. How long have you been in Austin?

[Q]

One year. I moved here March.

[E]

The whole time you've been in your car?

[Q]

No, no, no, no. So I moved out here like I said. It was rough. So I was like, I'm gonna get an apartment. Got a studio apartment. Rent out here is really cheap. But then a week later, I got hit by a drunk driver. Totaled my shit. And at the time, I had like a thousand dollars to my name or less than that because I just got the apartment. But doordash was my only job at the time. So I was like, fuck. I was like, fuck. But, you know, I'm a hustler. Like I said, I've had so many fucking jobs. First thing I did is like, my back was real fucked up after the injury. But next morning I just went up, went to every single, like, business in the area, just trying to find a job. None of them were interested because you

[C]

came in all fucking. Yeah, I need work quick.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[Q]

She beat my back in, man.

[A]

The drunk driver have insurance?

[B]

Like, did you get paid for that?

[Q]

I did have insurance. That money did not. Did not last me long, cuz I. I decided to live off of it. But I did get a nice paycheck, like, months later.

[E]

So what do you do for work now?

[Q]

Now I work at the airport.

[E]

What do you do at the airport?

[Q]

So I started off at the airport selling credit cards.

[C]

Where? The parking garage?

[Q]

No, you know, that, you know, Delta got like the lounge and they got

[B]

the credit card, the reserve.

[C]

Delta reserve purple card.

[B]

Yes, that's right, sir.

[Q]

But, yeah, I don't work for them no more. They fired me.

[E]

Okay, so how about now? Where do you work?

[Q]

At the airport.

[E]

But what do you do at the airport?

[Q]

Now I work at a smoothie shop.

[B]

Whoa, Jamba Juice.

[C]

No, still slanging purple stuff. I like that.

[Q]

Oh, not right in their mouth.

[C]

Yeah, man.

[B]

A local one. Yeah.

[E]

Okay. And do you enjoy working at the smoothie shop?

[Q]

Yeah, I like working at the airport in general. Austin airport's, like, cool as. Because it's like all, like, local Austin businesses and stuff. Like, it's got a lot of personality. You meet people from all over the world, you know, I feel like I fit in out there, you know? Very, very glad to be working by the smoothie shop. Right on, bro. I'll get you. I'll get you a free smoothie, bro. I got you.

[B]

Oh, no. I do. I need a free smoothie. I am struggling.

[E]

I got hit by a drunk driver recently.

[B]

I don't have insurance. My back hurts.

[Q]

Don't tell them it was free. I don't want to get fired. I don't work at a smoothie shop, guys. I was lying. Yeah, I just don't want to get fired again.

[E]

Yeah, you're not gonna get fired. It's.

[C]

Don't worry, man.

[Q]

I've been through some, man.

[C]

I can tell, man. Your eyes are haunting and dark. Are they really?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You're staring through me into a place I forgot about.

[Q]

Still there. We can reignite it.

[E]

You're doing good, Sammy.

[C]

Do you fly out of the airport or still?

[E]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

What do you think I take a hot air balloon or something?

[C]

A blimp? Yeah. No, I didn't know if you were a private guy.

[B]

No, no.

[E]

I mean, only once in a great while anyways, you know what I mean?

[B]

All right, Sammy Smith, I think you're

[E]

a really funny guy.

[B]

Keep it going. Keep signing up. Keep doing it. Keep writing. You're doing everything right, buddy. Chase your damn dreams. Okay, this guy is. Has been signified that he is on the inside representing you, the audience. The rare inside bucket pool. So this should be interesting. Normally this is half written and they say.

[E]

I didn't.

[B]

Didn't think I was gonna get pulled. Anything can happen. Make some noise for Caleb Andrews, everybody. Where's Caleb at? Is that Caleb? We have movement by Caleb Andrews. Is that Caleb? Yes, it is. All right, here he goes. He looks like a serious man.

[C]

A lot of attraction.

[B]

He may have prepared for this. He may have prepared. He may have memorized a minute. The rare inside bucket pool. That means they're normally visiting. They don't live here. How about make some noise one more time for Caleb Andrews, everybody.

[M]

Hey, guys. I am a banker. I'm from a small town in Mississippi, and I was raised by a single mother. So if you don't laugh at this set, I'm used to disappointment. Being a banker, you see a lot. Nothing's quite as humbling as denying somebody for a loan. And they pull off in the truck. That's nicer than yours.

[N]

Yeah.

[M]

Being from a small town, it's kind of funny. In my industry, your credit score and your grandma's reputation are Pretty much the same thing. Like, sir, you filed bankruptcy last year, but your nana made a mean apple pie, so let's see what we can do. Yeah, I'm also married. I got married last year.

[K]

Thank you.

[M]

Thank you. I went on a bachelor trip with my buddies. We went golfing. Because nothing says celebrating love like hating yourself for four hours silently. But golfing prepared me for marriage because both involved me spending a lot of money at something I'm not really good at and then waking up the next morning and deciding to try again because I like the challenge. Thank you, guys. That's my time.

[B]

Smart, well executed. Caleb Andrews. Surprisingly good inside bucket pole.

[C]

Yeah, thanks. That's the best one I've ever seen.

[E]

Yeah.

[K]

Thank you.

[E]

Very rare. Welcome, Caleb. So how long have you done stand up before?

[M]

First time.

[B]

What? Look at that. I love it. Caleb. And you decided you came here.

[E]

Where are you visiting from?

[M]

So I'm from Fulton, Mississippi.

[E]

Okay.

[M]

It is okay. Yeah.

[C]

Are those your friends? For sure.

[B]

Probably came with you.

[M]

Close to Tupelo. Birthplace of Elvis, actually. Just plugging weirdly. Uncle Lazer came to Tupelo Thursday, so I got to see him Thursday and then come here Saturday.

[C]

He does all the best markets.

[B]

He's like a God in Tupelo sippy. I'm sure it's like the returning Elvis.

[C]

Yeah, the hardcore legend returns.

[B]

Amazing.

[E]

Okay, so you're a banker in Fulton, Mississippi.

[M]

Correct, Correct.

[E]

So it is. It's a lot of people trying to get loans and whatnot.

[M]

Actually is we have, like, a $50 million portfolio in a very small town. Less than 10,000 people, so a lot

[C]

of former plantations, right?

[M]

Yeah. Yeah. That's a lot of license.

[B]

A lot of lice, a lot of lies. Look at that. A callback from earlier.

[E]

Oh. So, Caleb, that's where you're born and raised?

[M]

I was pretty much. I was born in a small town in Alabama, moved over to. To Fulton.

[E]

You just drove the riding lawnmower over there.

[N]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

Set up a whole new life for yourself.

[C]

I want to be in Fulton full time.

[B]

Yeah.

[M]

Yeah.

[C]

Have you ever done any kind of speaking publicly before?

[M]

Not really, no.

[C]

Damn, you did a good job.

[E]

Really, really good.

[B]

Good.

[M]

Appreciate it. Appreciate it.

[N]

I used to do.

[M]

Used to do theater, so. Theater kid. So.

[I]

Okay.

[M]

Yeah, I guess that helps.

[E]

What'd you do in theater?

[M]

That's funny. I was actually Donkey and Shrek.

[B]

Whoa.

[M]

Yeah.

[C]

You're a back.

[E]

Can you do one.

[B]

Can you do one of your lines

[E]

from the hit Waffles? Wow. Very good.

[B]

You still got it.

[C]

It's like I was there.

[E]

Yeah. What is the most white trash thing you've ever seen in Fulton, Mississippi?

[M]

Oh, God.

[E]

There's something that pops into your head.

[C]

Is the dog a mayor?

[M]

Close, close. No. Honestly,

[E]

you ever seen anybody, like, eat a sandwich while having chewing tobacco in their mouth?

[M]

Oh, absolutely.

[E]

That's.

[M]

That's common thing you can think of, man. The gas station people are pretty funny. That's pretty white trash. Like, we have a local shell station. People just go pull up and hang out, you know?

[A]

Got it.

[E]

Yeah. How about ghetto? What's the most ghetto thing you've seen in Fulton, Mississippi? Because there's. There's that too. There's that aspect of things. The white people are extremely white. The black people are extremely black. Am I correct?

[M]

Correct. Correct.

[C]

There's white ghettos, brother.

[M]

We have a local who has chrome fingernails. It's pretty ghetto.

[E]

Oh, boom. Wow.

[M]

Chrome fingernails. Yeah.

[E]

Wow.

[M]

Yeah. Is that Drives a Crown Vic?

[E]

Wow.

[C]

Okay, so there's a real cool person in Fulton.

[E]

Does he make chicken at home and then sell it to people?

[B]

Hang blinds?

[M]

He actually cuts hair. He's a barber.

[E]

Oh, wow. Interesting.

[C]

Did he give you that one?

[M]

No, actually a white guy cut my hair.

[E]

That makes sense. Yeah, it's like a white guy haircut. Caleb, any other crazy fun facts that we'd find interesting about your life before I get you out of here?

[M]

So, fun story real quick. I married into a dog or dated into a dog. It's my wife's dog. Previously. Dogs are like children. So he was our great child. And basically he kept leaving the neighborhood. He would go to like this subdivision and eat Cheetos off these kids faces. And so what was that? He would eat Cheetos off their faces, like the kids faces.

[C]

You know, Southern thing. Tony. He wouldn't get it.

[M]

Yeah. So he kept going to that same neighborhood less than a mile from my father in law's house. And so we're like, hey, we're just gonna let him go, you know, just enjoy your time. He's having a good time. Whatever. Well, about a few months after he left, somebody picked him up and dropped him back off at my father in law's house and was like, hey, you're not taking care of your dog. Like he's. You can see his bones. He's covered in fleas. And we're like, this dog has been given to somebody, like, side of our care. And so we took him back in, kept him for a little bit longer. And then my mom was like, I really want the dog. Like, I know you all have another dog now.

[B]

Da, da, da, da.

[M]

So we gave them to my mom. Well, my mom just happened to get involved with this guy, and he burned her house down, stole the dog, and funny fact at my bank.

[C]

We'll be the judge of that.

[M]

We did a. Like a post your pet day at work. And so when I started working at the bank last year, we did that post, and this girl at the bank posted that dog. So she ended up with the dog. The same dog.

[E]

Wow.

[M]

So we now know the owners of the dog, and she's like, very. Feels like, oh, it's your own dog. It's like, no, it's your dog now. Like, cheers.

[B]

Wow.

[E]

That you actually answered the most white trash thing I've.

[M]

There you go.

[B]

Questioned from before while simultaneously answering the fun fact question about your life.

[E]

It was you.

[B]

You were the white trash guy. But this mysterious, furious dog. That is obviously the life of Forrest Gump.

[C]

Yeah, for sure.

[E]

With the million.

[B]

I was eating Cheetos off kids faces one day. Next thing you know, the house is on fire. I'm just a simple dog. And then I had a new owner, and then.

[C]

All right, so has your mom always been attracted to arsonists?

[E]

Yeah, that was. That's where I was going next.

[B]

Is the mom's house on fire?

[E]

We kind of glazed over that pretty quickly.

[M]

Yeah.

[E]

Were they in an argument? Human or something or.

[M]

He was just on meth.

[B]

Ah. Fulton, Mississippi.

[E]

I almost forgot.

[M]

Yeah, actually, it. County is the county, and they're actually like, back in the Civil War, that was like, the big, like, mess spot. But when during the Civil War?

[E]

Even in the Civil War.

[C]

What are you talking about? Yeah, the Civil War was in, like, 1861-1865. That one. The War of Northern aggression, as you call it.

[M]

Right, yeah, the one where. Yeah.

[C]

I feel like the traditional crystal methamphetamine wasn't synthesized until much later than that.

[M]

And possibly that's just a.

[C]

That's your claim to fame in your town, not mine. Oh, the county.

[G]

Yeah.

[C]

Sorry. Yeah, Right, right, right. Yeah.

[B]

I'm sure whatever it was gave some pretty powerful effects.

[Q]

Yeah,

[B]

but, I mean, you've smoked cracks. Yeah.

[C]

You voked math, too.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

1893.

[E]

1893, by Japanese chemist Nagai Nagayoshi, saying,

[C]

Know your history, 30 years removed.

[M]

I'm sorry. That's right.

[C]

Son of a. We liked you so much. And then you lied about meth being a big part of your upbringing.

[E]

Right.

[M]

My mom's also attracted to Mexicans, so that was a big.

[C]

Give him the joke book.

[M]

Yeah. She liked the M's. She stayed in the category.

[C]

We're doing some research.

[E]

Yeah, amazing being Coca Cola, actually. There you go, Red band.

[B]

Mixing up three fun facts at once.

[M]

Can I tell you a real quick, real quick story?

[C]

I don't think so.

[M]

Okay, okay. So last year. So it's my wife's birthday tonight.

[E]

Okay, okay.

[M]

So last year. Last year you were in Nashville. It was Saturday night, tornado siren. Oh, yeah.

[E]

Wynonna Judd singing the national anthem.

[B]

What? Yeah.

[M]

So my wife, big fan. She sucked the crumb off a ball hitch to just be your doormat.

[B]

Yeah.

[M]

Makes me feel great. Sorry, babe,

[C]

she here.

[M]

So she is here. That's why I said sorry.

[C]

Hey, you want to prove it to it? Heidi, find us a doorknob.

[B]

Come on up here, birthday girl. We're gonna put this to the test. We're gonna have her suck the what? The chrome off a ball hitch.

[M]

Like a truck ball hitch.

[B]

Like towing?

[E]

Amazing.

[N]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Does anybody have a truck ball hitch by any chance?

[M]

So last year I surprised her with Kill Tony tickets. I didn't tell her we were going anywhere. We picked her up. Like, her mom called work on a Friday and was like, hey, your. Your cat got out, you gotta come home.

[E]

What is this thing with your family? Losing animals?

[M]

It was the only thing that would get her home from work. So she runs home. It's me and her friend there. We have her bag packed, like, hey, we're going out of town. She's like, okay, where are we going? I'm like, nashville. She's like, you didn't have to kidnap me to go to Nashville. I'm like, okay, come on. So we get to Nashville, we're hanging out. Saturday morning. Obviously the storms come, and I'm like, hey, let's go back to the room. We're going to get settled in. She's sitting in there, I'm getting ready. She's like, what are we getting ready for? And I throw her at the shirt and to kill Tony shirt. And I'm like, hey, you're going to kill Tony. And she starts balling.

[E]

Oh, amazing.

[B]

So let's bring her out. Here's the birthday girl. What's her name?

[M]

Michaela.

[B]

Michaela, everybody.

[E]

Wow.

[B]

Hi, Michaela. You're in it. You're in the eye of the storm.

[E]

Michaela. How does it feel up here? You're a die hard fan. You would suck the chrome off of a tail tag pitch or whatever.

[C]

Can you get the red off that microphone?

[E]

No, no. What do you do for work?

[R]

I work at the bank, too.

[B]

Oh, my God, look at this. One in the bank. Two in the stank. Shocker. The old. There you go. Two in the stank. Very good.

[C]

That was King Tony.

[B]

Two farts. I read down. That's why red bands like. I don't know if you heard, but he did. Did two fart sound effects. You guys two were in the stank on this one. Yeah.

[E]

What exactly are you doing at the bank?

[R]

I was doing what he's doing. I was a loan officer, but I'm now a portfolio manager.

[C]

Congratulations.

[E]

Look at you. Wow.

[R]

Look, I work there first, though.

[E]

Okay. Let me ask you guys this. You guys ever at the bank and you guys end up in the safe together, something like that?

[M]

Unfortunately, no.

[R]

We work at different locations.

[C]

Oh, because you kept fucking at work like, hey, honey, I got a roll of quarters I want you to count.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Hey, can you make change for this hard penis?

[B]

What's your routing number? All right, right.

[M]

I'll give you that if you'll give me your account number.

[B]

Whoa, look at this.

[E]

There's some type of Ethiopian piracy going on. Michaela, before I let you go, what's a fun fact about your life that we would find interesting? You're a big fan of the show. I mean, I'm sure you must have something up your sleeve that's interesting. Oh, he already knows. He's.

[R]

I'm not saying that.

[B]

Whoa.

[E]

What?

[B]

What is it? You have two vaginas or something? You have, like, a crazy vagina or something. What is it?

[R]

No, I was born early and my butthole was not fully developed.

[B]

Whoa. Amaz. Carl's so slightly.

[C]

That's the show, folks. Thanks.

[B]

I mean, this is just as pure of a Kill Tony moment as you can have. This is what we live for, is finding the type of stuff we've never heard of before.

[C]

We'll be right, boy.

[E]

So your butthole wasn't fully developed.

[B]

So what did they have to do?

[E]

They had to, like, cut a little one out or something?

[R]

Yeah, basically. But this was in the 90s, so they actually sent me home and my mom kept calling the hospital, like, my baby hasn't pooped. And they're like, that's normal. And it was like, two weeks later, they took me back and, yeah, they just cut it.

[E]

I mean, the mom didn't notice that

[R]

I was her first kid and she was 21. Wow, that's amazing.

[B]

How's it doing now, girl?

[C]

It's.

[B]

It's redband. That is disgusting. That isn't. That is insulting to all women everywhere. You're out of control. Red band. How is it doing now, girl?

[E]

It's great.

[B]

I'm positive of it. Here's a big joke book for you, Mikayla. And here's the big one for you. You guys got it all tonight. You did it. A huge victory. There you guys go. Mikayla and Caleb, newly married. It's her birthday. Make some noise for them, everybody.

[C]

What a sweet, pure moment. That was great.

[B]

Sometimes the show can be very wholesome.

[C]

Can we get a picture of your wife's butt later? Thank you.

[B]

Yeah, tag us in it. Yeah, tag us in that butthole pit.

[C]

Not tag you in, red band, no. Yeah, man. I want to see that lady's butt. Right, folks?

[E]

Oh,

[C]

what's up?

[E]

Oh, we have to finish the mics.

[B]

How about a hand for the great Sam Talon? Switching the mics for us. His new novel, brute, comes out September 22nd. His stand updates are available at punchuplive.com backslash samtalent.

[E]

That's with two L's in talent.

[B]

Buffalo, Chicago, Madison, Wisconsin.

[E]

A bunch of fun things happening.

[B]

Remember the roast of Kevin Hart May 10th on Netflix. Ladies and gentlemen, your final comedian of the night is a force of nature, everybody. He is absolutely awesome. We are watching him take off in a great, unbelievable way. At one point in his life, he was the dark storm of Atlanta, Georgia. Now he's the dark storm of Austin, Texas. Make some noise. Closing it out tonight, a new set from Dedrick Flynn, everybody.

[D]

You know, women are going to tell you that other women only want you if you have a girlfriend. Because women want something they can't have. And I'm here to tell y', all, that's not what's happening. We just look better than single men. Cause we're using your healthcare products in and out the shower. Like, single dudes look and smell like what happens after years of kicking ice cubes underneath the refrigerator. And then the radiation from the refrigerator melts the ice cubes. Cubes makes a certain mold. It makes a human body. And it's like, hey, ma', am, you should smile more. Cause when I moved here to Texas, I only moved with, like, single dudes. And my skin has been terrible. Cause we only got the 7 in 1 body wash, right? It's shampoo, conditioner, body wash, zen juice, four locos from 2009 with the caffeine in it, a DUI and a domestic battery charge. Because when you go to a girl's bathroom, that's like somebody you want to keep. When you rip open that shower curtain, the products that they Got it looks like Gordon Ramsay's seasoning cabinet mixed with two Southern black ladies. You can do whatever you. They got all kinds of shampoos. They got all kinds of. Do you know they got a shampoo and conditioner? It's called purple shampoo. It's just for people with blonde hair. Or a nigga that got free time. You know what I'm saying? Like, that's all it is. Every girl ever been with thought I was jacking off in the shower. No, nigga, I was trying everything you had in there. You know, I used to go to Taco Bell and you would suicide the sodas like, you know what I'm saying? You would put every soda in there and see that? That's me with every product you got. Nigga, I used to look glorious. You know what a body wash gel is? What is it?

[P]

You don't know?

[D]

You just try to fit in. This nigga's a liar. This nigga's a liar. They got a jail that just got glitter in it, nigga. I used to look like a cheerleader from Bring it on, nigga. I used to look like Gabrielle Union. I used to put all kind of shit together. Just make a smorgasbord of a pretty N. When they used to leave, I used to steal they bath bombs and put it in the bath. You know what a bath bomb is? What's a bath bomb? This nigga want to fit in, too, all right? This nigga has no idea what a bath bomb is. You take a grenade and you. You put it in the bathtub and it's got colors and glitter and essential oils. Nigga, that is fucking fun as fuck. I don't ever want to be single again. N. I hate being dry. That's my time. I love y'.

[B]

All.

[D]

Thank you.

[B]

With a new 3 minutes, 20 seconds. I wait too long. So much fun. New angles. That's something new.

[E]

I love it.

[D]

Hey, I'm trying to do my best, man.

[E]

You are? How you doing? Dead Trek.

[D]

I'm doing too good.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

I ain't gonna lie. There's so much I love touring. Even when a city. I don't know how to get there.

[L]

Like.

[D]

Because you have to fly into a city now. I'm doing the cities that you gotta fly into and then get transit after that to get to.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Like I did Springfield, Massachusetts.

[B]

Oh, shit.

[D]

You see how those two people just said something? That's everybody in Springfield. Matthew. That's all two of them. All right? We went to a casino. It was a MGM grand, okay? I won 200 on the slot machine.

[E]

Whoa, look at that.

[G]

Did you.

[D]

Oh, $600.

[E]

That was my next question.

[B]

Did you quit while you were up?

[D]

No.

[E]

Amazing.

[B]

What else?

[E]

Springfield. Was that the only stop this weekend?

[D]

Yeah, that was. I did three shows in Springfield. Next week I'm doing Minneapolis, Minnesota. I'm going right inside where the Mall America is.

[B]

Oh, that's a long week.

[D]

10,000. I love it.

[C]

That's a long week.

[D]

No, they got. They got the amusement parking.

[C]

I've been there before. Yeah, you're gonna be there for, like,

[D]

Sam, you've been everywhere. We know.

[K]

I'm just.

[C]

I'm just saying, you're touring. Make sure you get outside, because I was in that mall for, like, five days when I did that gig, and I did not go outside for most of it. And I was deranged, strange and gray by the end.

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

Can I ask you a personal question?

[C]

Anytime.

[D]

What do I do outside of it?

[O]

Avoid.

[E]

Avoid the ice rallies.

[B]

I can tell you that. Somehow everybody gets killed in Minneapolis.

[D]

No, I'm too high to be in rallies.

[C]

What about Popeyes? Maybe Checkers? White Castle? Who knows? You know, I've been high in many a Taco Bell in my day.

[B]

Sorry.

[E]

There's things to do in Minneapolis.

[B]

It's up to me. We would donate it to Canada. I think Canada deserves Minneapolis, Minnesota, 100%.

[E]

You can make a. A good trade. Maybe take a little Toronto or just a little Toronto. I'd even be willing to negotiate an Ottawa for Ottawa.

[C]

Yeah, they're like a fourth round draft pick.

[E]

I know, but what is Edmonton off the board? I don't know if you've seen what Minneapolis has Contributed the past 15 years

[C]

or so, but I love Vietnamese cuisine.

[D]

O w. Is that where it comes from?

[C]

Yeah. Vietnam's in Minnesota.

[B]

Yeah, Vietnam's a little neighborhood in Minneapolis. Dedrick.

[E]

Anything else crazy going on, man?

[D]

I'm about to sell this cartoon to Adult Swim.

[E]

Nice.

[A]

Adult Swim went out of bankrupt about

[B]

three years ago, by the way.

[D]

You said what?

[A]

Adult Swim is bankrupt, by the way. It's not a thing anymore.

[D]

I don't care where they get the money from.

[C]

They.

[D]

They told me they had the money, all right? I don't give a fuck. Why the fuck. Oh, they were bankrupt, and so was I. Redband. I was bankrupt before I got here. I don't care how the niggas get on. Maybe Adult Swim went on Kill Tony. I don't know.

[B]

That's true. We saved Adult Swim's life. Dedrick, we absolutely love you. You're the fucking man. Thank you so much. Way to put a ribbon on the episode.

[D]

The new regular Phil.

[B]

Tony.

[G]

Yeah.

[B]

You've been ripping it.

[D]

I'm so proud of you, dog.

[B]

I love y'. All. Thank y' all so much. Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. And he is right. What a night. Pat o' Neill made history by being elevated from a golden ticket winner to a regular.

[E]

It was a hell of an episode.

[B]

How about one more time for the great Sam Talon, everybody? September 22, his novel comes out, but you can pre order order it right now. It's Brute B R U T. Where

[E]

can they pre order that?

[B]

Amazon.

[C]

Amazon, Barnes and Noble. It's coming out from Random House, so you can get it anywhere.

[E]

Yeah, perfect.

[B]

Yeah, he's on Buffalo, Chicago, Madison and a bunch of other places.

[E]

Go to punchuplive.com SAMtalent with two Ls.

[B]

Remember the Roast of Kevin Hart? May 10 on Netflix. It's must see television. Yeah. And the Kill Tony Mania episode is. Is already out on Netflix because it

[E]

came out April 20th.

[B]

And we're going to Madison Square Garden again. So make sure you get tickets for that if you're anywhere near the New York area. And a lot of other fun stuff coming and happening because the fun train never ends. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there tonight. Oh, my God, look at that. Sam Talon back in the day. That's old Sam. Told me, man. He was looking at an old picture of you.

[C]

Thanks for the worst painting of me ever, bro. I came so far and you're reminding me.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

Keeps me humble, Chris. Thanks, bro.

[B]

Old fat Sam Talon over there.

[C]

Look. I look like Red band.

[B]

How about one more time for the great Sam Talon Redband, you guys.

[C]

Red San Diego. Be there July 9 through 11.

[A]

Bringing some friends.

[B]

Go to americancomedyco.com you guys are a great audience. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. Sam. Wide awake in her whiskey hole.

[E]

Out here, if you're doing nothing, you're doing everything right though on a cruise with Norwegian, even if you're doing nothing, you're still basking in the warm sun, enjoying the peaceful ocean waves.

[B]

You're breathing.

[E]

Don't forget about breathing. Definitely need to be breathing.

[B]

So you get to do nothing or

[E]

everything, but you still need to be breathing. It's like really important experience.

[F]

The difference with cruises to Alaska, the Caribbean and Europe. Norwegian cruise Line. It's different out here. Visit ncl.com, call your travel advisor or 188 NCL Cruise Norwegian Cruise Line ships register through the Bahamas and USA.