#768 - SHANE GILLIS + JAMES MCCANN

Summary

---

Kill Tony #768 - Shane Gillis & James McCann

Date: May 19, 2026
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, Texas
Hosts: Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban
Guests: Shane Gillis, James McCann
Notable Band: Nachos Belgrande

---

Episode Overview

This episode of Kill Tony features two powerhouse comedic guests: Shane Gillis and James McCann. Filmed live at Austin’s Comedy Mothership, the panel delivers classic Kill Tony chaos—with a packed lineup of bucket-drawn comics, wild interviews, and running jokes about cock rings, Latino goths, and the wild pasts of both audience and comics.

The energy is high, the roasts are accidental (and sometimes intentional), and the comedy is fully improvised and unfiltered, with numerous memorable and outlandish moments.

---

Main Guests Introduction (05:12)

• Tony Hinchcliffe warmly welcomes distinguished comics Shane Gillis and James McCann, hailing them as “two of the greatest Kill Tony guests of all time.”
• Shane’s recurring “under the table” antics are joked about, setting a playful tone for the episode.

“Sometimes I mean… Well, I mean, we’ve had the President of the United States on this show—[and] sometimes as himself. Welcome back, Shane!”
—Tony Hinchcliffe (05:17)

---

Episode Highlights: Key Comics & Interviews

1. Martin Phillips (Golden Ticket Winner) (07:31)

• Material: Jokes about human trafficking, cross-dressing, and a “dog whistle” around his neck.
• Memorable Exchange:
  • Jokes that his adopted dog is deaf—making the dog whistle pointless.
• Panel Riff: Tony and Shane riff on the sexual implications of “bringing in dogs if you’re getting raped,” demonstrating the panel’s notorious boundary pushing.

“If it’s you getting raped, the dogs would probably join in... The only thing holding me back from nothing in guys is I’m not a dog.”
—Shane Gillis (10:09)

---

2. Cameron Shepherd (First Timer) (12:59)

• Material: Documentary about Robert Wadlow (the world’s tallest man) and “leapfrog Naked”—uncle joke; deadpan delivery; Michael Jackson/Elvis “homosexual covers.”
• Interview: Reveals he just moved to Austin; works in a hardware store; admits to loving “Sugar Ray Drill rap.”
• Memorable Quote:

  “I like to do homosexual covers of songs... Michael Jackson, specifically.”
  —Cameron Shepherd (18:06)

• Panel Highlights: Shane encourages him: “Next time, open with that.” (18:33)

---

3. Liv Taylor (24:03)

• Material: Jokes about “Negro spirituals,” her crackhead dad, Waffle House family, and perverse ZipRecruiter job listings.
• Personal Backstory: Her mom recently died (hit by a car), inspiring her into stand-up.
• Panel Riff: Shane remarks, “It’s weird to see a racist goth!”
• Memorable Moment:

  “My mom was like...the peacemaker of the Waffle House... She just smoked weed, that was about it.”
  —Liv Taylor (28:22)

---

4. Frankie Gonzalez (31:19)

• Material: Coming out stories, LSD hiking adventures, photo mix-ups with Bigfoot/Black friend, DoorDash/Popeyes/9-11 bit.
• Interview: From San Diego, works reception at YMCA, anime tattoos.
• Big Reveal: Frankie’s brother is “hella gay”; parents didn’t speak to him for two years.
• Panel Riff:

  “What’s the gayest thing you’ve ever seen him do?”
  —Tony Hinchcliffe (36:33)

  • Frankie recounts waking up after a party to multiple men leaving his brother’s bedroom.

---

5. Dicky (First Time as 'Dicky') (41:56)

• Material: Mormon hymns vs. Hims (ED/hair loss), getting older, Pepto vs. LSD.
• Interview: Bartender/server; six months sober after wild DUI stories (point .25, mushrooms, resisting arrest, being raided by DEA for wild ex stories).
• Memorable Quotes:

  “What weapons did you have?”
  “Just like... normal weapons.”
  —Tony Hinchcliffe & Dicky (54:23)

• Raw Honesty: Unfiltered discussion of addiction, jail, and being Salt Lake’s wildest man.

---

6. Ronaldo Mercado (55:48)

• Material: Mixed-race jokes, single mom “filling dad’s shoes,” drinking stories, roast battles.
• Panel Riff: Continues running theme of “Latino goth energy.”

---

7. Dedrick Flynn (Regular Set) (60:18)

• Material: “White friends” take him to sandbar parties; island-hopping with flip cup vs. white people; family, race, and friendship.
• Panel Banter: Extensive discussion of Black folks and swimming, sandbar party games, and genetic memory jokes.

---

8. Brandon Fields (66:18)

• Material: Black guy with iPhone/Android jokes, swimming, military, quitting jobs, new career as a tire salesman, childhood theft.
• Confession: Admits to robbing a white woman’s wallet as a mall security guard (“inside job”).
• Memorable Line:

  “I robbed a couple people... I was a petty thief.”
  —Brandon Fields (74:02)

---

9. Lucas Hinderliter (75:58)

• Material: Porta-potty & sock gag, grandpa’s “barely legal” porn but it’s just interracial, “white girl sad music” musician girlfriend.
• Backstory: Mom died of drugs, long-distance relationship, selling motorcycles, girlfriend got a boob job in Canada.
• Cock Ring Thread: Jokes about mom’s cremation being “with implants.”

---

10. Matt Gonzalez (Third “Gonzalez” of the Night) (84:27)

• Material: Fat and Mexican (“Ozemspic” joke), Catholic guilt, sleeping in a hammock, green card via white girlfriend.
• Notable Segment:
  • Cock ring in the shower: Discovers one on his shampoo—launches extended riff into family’s cock ring habits.
  • Live Call: Calls his brother ON AIR to determine owner of found cock ring (99:03).
• Classic Exchange:

  “Describe the cock ring you saw.”
  “It was black and it said Ox Balls on it.”
  (100:42–100:46)

---

11. Dusty Carter (102:22)

• Material: “I’m racist against anything not the human race” (robots, cyborgs, etc.), nostalgia for brick weed.
• Personal: Former meth cook, only “chocolate I eat has a pulse”—dating a Black woman for six years.
• Panel Riff: Discussion of setting spray (makeup), and the differences between Black and white women’s relationship gifts.

---

12. James Swanson III (108:24)

• Material: All about dating a “midget”—visual and sexual punchlines, 34.5 instead of 69.
• Backstory: 53 years old, from Vegas, lost 84 lbs, quit 6-figure timeshare job to do standup; now drives Uber.
• Panel Moments: Tony asks for a quick new joke but James is an all-story guy. Shane: “You’re gonna steal these people’s TVs?”

---

13. Matt Worldley (116:34)

• Material: High school Arabic calligraphy class, learning phrases from Call of Duty, oddball persona.
• Interview: Former body painter specializing in female anatomy—also never cut nails, alien wizard scientist “shining light through glass.”
• Panel Riff: Shane & James marvel at his odd energy and nails; Redban samples his trippy YouTube channel on-air.

---

14. Pat O’Neill (Regular Closer) (end)

• Jokes: Spitting in his girlfriend’s mouth, herpes, new girlfriend vomiting on his cock, toxic woman, “bleeds out of her goddamn crotch.”
• Panel Feedback: James McCann and Shane Gillis praise the tight writing (“You’re so charming I didn’t notice that you mouth a sleeping woman.”)

“You seem like a classy, not rapist kind of guy!”
—Shane Gillis (128:49)

---

Notable Running Jokes & Bits

• Cock Rings: Several comics and even musicians confess to ownership or use. Highlight of the night: Matt Gonzalez’s “Ox Balls” cock ring detective story, culminating in a LIVE call to his brother to confirm ownership (98:23–101:24).
• Latino-Goth Vibe: A persistently referenced theme due to multiple Hispanic comics with alt/goth style.
• White/Black/Jewish/Jewish Intersectionality: Panel riffs heavily on racial and ethnic self-deprecating jokes, especially involving family, sex, and religion.
• Military/Mall Security/Theft: Comics bounce between macho backgrounds and humble admissions of failure or minor crime.

---

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• “The only thing holding me back from nothing in guys is I’m not a dog.”
  —Shane Gillis (10:13)

• “What’s the gayest thing you’ve ever seen him do?”
  —Tony Hinchcliffe (36:33)

• “If you want to be around a bunch of wired beans, I’d have kept cooking meth.”
  —Dusty Carter (103:19)

• “Describe the cock ring you saw.”
  “It was black and it said ox balls on it.”
  —Matt & Sammy Gonzalez (100:42–100:46)

• “You seem like a classy, not rapist kind of guy!”
  —Shane Gillis (128:49)

• “We’ve only been here a month. This city's gonna be yours any day now.”
  —Tony Hinchcliffe to Cameron Shepherd (19:49)

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Introduction & Band: 00:44–05:12
• Shane & James Welcome: 05:12–06:21
• Martin Phillips (Golden Ticket): 07:31–12:29
• Cameron Shepherd: 12:59–21:03
• Liv Taylor: 24:03–30:55
• Frankie Gonzalez: 31:19–39:26
• Dicky: 41:56–55:48
• Ronaldo Mercado: 55:48–59:51
• Dedrick Flynn (Regular): 60:18–65:37
• Brandon Fields: 66:18–75:37
• Lucas Hinderliter: 75:58–84:09
• Matt Gonzalez (Cock Ring Call): 84:27–101:30
• Dusty Carter: 102:22–108:01
• James Swanson III: 108:24–116:34
• Matt Worldley: 116:34–125:39
• Pat O’Neill (Regular Closer): 127:48–130:33

---

Conclusion

Episode #768 is a freewheeling, thoroughly unhinged showcase of burgeoning and seasoned comics, highlighted by the dynamic interplay between guest judges Shane Gillis and James McCann, whose riffing amplifies each interview’s absurdity. Themes of family, identity, growing up without privilege (or with wild relatives), addiction, and self-doubt surface, but always with the characteristically irreverent Kill Tony edge.

For fans, this episode stands out for its live “cock ring whodunit,” its string of deeply personal and honest comic interviews, and the rare chemistry of the main guests—delivering improv comedy at its rowdiest.

---

Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found

[B]

at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and

[A]

anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything.

[B]

The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever, Shop Squad tv.

[A]

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redneck coming to you

[C]

live from the comedy mothership here in

[B]

Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony. Hit. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee.

[D]

Thanks for joining for Brian.

[B]

Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. And that is the best damn band in all the land, everybody. Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa. Tres Leches on the horns. The great Michael Gonzalez on the drums makes them together. Nachos Belgrande, Matt Muhling on the electric, John D's on the keys. And believe it or not, this is indeed the one and only D Madness. Live in the flesh, everybody. Tonight's episode of the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony is brought to you by Quo Prize Picks, surfshark and Cheers Health. So many fun advertisers we have. And here's a little bit more that made tonight's episode possible for you here right now. Hey, y'.

[C]

All.

[B]

This podcast is sponsored by Surf Shark. With the help of AI, scammers are getting smarter every day, sending emails that look legit but are designed to steal your data, passwords and money. If you want to stay protected, you need to check out Surf Shark. It's way more than your good old vpn. It's an all in one online security tool. They have a ton of advanced features, and one in particular is called Email Scam Checker. This thing notifies you if an email you received is a scam or phishing attempt. So instead of guessing whether that bank's email is real, you, you can check it out before you click red ban.

[A]

Tony, I love Surf Shark. It's totally awesome. It's the best online protection you can get. And of course, Surf Shark still provides the standard VPN benefits of hiding your online activity or allowing you to virtually change your location and access geoblock content while traveling.

[B]

No doubt about it. And the final kicker, one subscription covers unlimited devices, so you can protect your phone, laptop, and even share with your household. Pay for one tool, protect all aspects of your online life. Go to surf shark.com/kill Tony or use Code Kill Tony at checkout to get four extra months of Surfshark. Surfshark.com kill Tony or code kill Tony for four extra months. Ready to soundtrack your summer with Red Bull Summer All Day Play. You choose a playlist that fits your summer vibe the best. Are you a festival fanatic, a deep end dj, a road dog, or a trail mixer? Just add a song to your chosen playlist and put your summer on track. Red Bull Summer All Day Play. Red Bull gives you. Visit RedBull.com BrightSummer ahead to learn more. See you this summer. Pool days call for cookouts and lots of laundry this Memorial Day at Lowe's. Save $80 on a Char Broil Performance Series 4 burner gas grill.

[C]

Now just $199.

[B]

Plus get up to 45% off. Select major appliances to keep dishes, clothes and food fresh. Having fun in the sun is easy with us in your corner. Our best lineup is here at Lowe's. Valid through 527, while supplies last selection varies by location. See associate or lowe's.com for details. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? You know, some nights are just a little bit better than others. Every single week I book this thing. And I could not be more excited about tonight's booking. I think you're going to be excited to two of the greatest comedians in the world. Two of the greatest Kill Tony guests of all time. Most importantly, two of my favorite friends on planet Earth. Make some fucking noise for Shane Gillis and James McCann, everybody. Oh, my God. Oh, nutty. It's a slobber knocker. Yeah. Indeed. Oh, my God. Wow. Two of the greatest guests in the history of the show. Shane Gillis is back.

[C]

Hello. Hey.

[B]

Shane has been a guest numerous times under different aliases. At times. Sometimes I mean. Well, I mean, we've had the President of the United States on this show and sometimes as himself. Welcome back, Shane. Shane has a knack for tickling me under the table. Yes, he does.

[C]

He wishes. It's weird.

[B]

He just squozed my thigh. Really? He squoze it? He squoves it like it's a little pet gerbil or something down there. My little gerbil thigh. The great James McCann is back, everybody. He is the host of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan podcast. The only one of its kind. James, welcome back.

[D]

It's an honor to be here. I've never heard such a big warm welcome for me before.

[B]

They love you, James.

[D]

That's Just great. I'm so honored to be here. What a show. I'm really happy to be here.

[B]

You guys have been guests numerous times before, but I'll remind you anyway because it's been a while. James, you've been in Australia and now you're back. So let me remind you, over 250 innocent souls signed up for tonight's show. If they get pulled out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up. When you hear the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which is just loud and interrupts their set. And then I conduct an interview. We talk with them about anything and we find out more about them. The whole thing's improvised. Anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? I'm gonna let this disabled truck driver pick the first.

[E]

There you go.

[B]

Here it is. And it's out of the bucket. There it goes. And it's off. Here we go. While we go wrangle that first bucket pole. I have one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show here to debut a brand new minute. He does more minutes than any golden ticket winner in the history of the show. This will be fun. Make some noise for the great Martin Phillips, everybody. Oh, my God. The great Martin Phillips.

[F]

What's up?

[C]

Cool.

[F]

Okay, cool. I would never do human trafficking because I hate regular traffic. You know who's doing this, right? Okay. Sometimes I like to wear women's clothes, you know, it's really tight. It makes me feel buttiff, you know, and people are like, man, you look so swollen. Like, nah, this is my sister's dress, you know?

[B]

Okay, okay, okay, Okay.

[F]

At school, dancers, they used to say, make room for Jesus. And they say, yeah, he's trying to grind too. He wants in on this. Is that a minute?

[B]

Exactly a minute. Martin Phillips. Welcome back, Martin.

[F]

Hello.

[B]

How's it going? Okay. Okay.

[F]

It's all right, you know.

[B]

Yeah. What do you got around your neck there? What is.

[F]

You know? So this one time I was out the show and I try to play harmonica. I thought it could be my tank, but then I found out everybody fucking plays. I mean, fucking Uncle Laser.

[B]

Yeah, Funko. Yeah, Funko. Laser can do it.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, exactly, you know, So I looked for a unique instrument nobody else could play. I found the dog whistle.

[B]

That's a dog whistle.

[F]

Dog whistle. Now, I. Not a rape whistle, but it's a rape whistle. It's gonna be Assaulted by dogs.

[C]

Or it could be fun if a bunch of dogs saved you.

[F]

Well, yeah, I guess it won't work if I climbed up this.

[C]

Either way, if you're getting raped, bring some dogs in the mix.

[F]

Yeah, bring my dog.

[B]

I mean, if it's you getting raped, the dogs would probably join in. They'd probably be like, this is eas. I'm gonna bust a nut in this wobbly dude real quick. If I was a dog, that's what I would do. If I was a horny dog, I would.

[C]

The only thing holding me back from nothing in guys is I'm not a dog.

[B]

Wow. God damn it. I set myself up for that one. Oh, what is wrong with me? So did I'm. I'm ignorant to the dog whistle. Does that attract dogs or does it scare them away?

[F]

They can scare some. Well, hey, yeah, I think.

[B]

Let's hear a note there. Okay. All dogs listening to the podcast, take your headphones off for a moment. Oh, by the sound of things that are scared dogs out out there Pretty good, right? Right. I think it's working. Okay, so what. So that's what you have. Have you played it around a dog yet?

[F]

My. Well, my dog's deaf, so. You definitely care about your dog. Your dog's deaf and kind of blind. Yeah.

[C]

You guys. You guys are a hell of a squ.

[F]

Yeah, he's not my assistant dog. He cannot assist me whatsoever.

[G]

Wow.

[C]

Neither of you can get on the plane. He's a service animal.

[B]

Amazing. How long have you had this dog for?

[F]

Oh, I dip last summer, and then I fostered him for, like, six months. And then I remember, we lost him.

[B]

Right? Was he already deaf?

[F]

Yeah, he's fucking old, dude.

[B]

You adopted an old dog?

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

What made you want to do that?

[F]

I mean, after I lost it, I could talk kind of bad, you know? Yeah. You know, paying for have you.

[B]

But you've blown the whistle near your dog.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

No reaction whatsoever.

[F]

No. Well, you open the door and come inside the apartment, he doesn't even know you're there.

[G]

Wow.

[F]

Yeah, he's the worst guard dog. Actually, that's why I need this whistle, because Tony comes into my house.

[B]

That's right. That's right. Well, Martin, you got the show started with another brand new minute. Thank you very much. We're gonna switch over to the bucket now. This is where gets crazy. This is where we meet new people. Maybe it's someone that's been on before that's done bad, and maybe they do good this time. Maybe they did good last time. And bad this time. Anything can happen. You're gonna see it. 60 seconds uninterrupted, going to your first bucket bowl. Cameron shepherd, everybody. Here we go.

[H]

Yeah, those are my tits. Make some noise, everybody.

[B]

Hell yeah.

[H]

I recently saw the worst documentary of my life. Everybody. I saw a documentary on Robert Wadlow. Now, Robert Wadlow is the world's tallest man in American history, okay?

[I]

This son.

[H]

Bitch was 8 foot 11, all right? And on this documentary, they told you all the shit you didn't want to know, right?

[B]

Like, oh, he had big glasses, he had big shoes.

[H]

They didn't talk about his big stupid cock one time. Yeah. Not once. That's an 8 foot 11, man. That's a hell of a pecker. And I wanna fucking see it.

[J]

Dude.

[B]

What the hell?

[H]

That could have been the greatest documentary in American history. And it could have been really short, right? Robert Wadlow, world's tallest man, 15 inches soft. The fucking end. That's the end of the documentary. Leapfrog Naked. Anyone ever tried it?

[K]

No.

[H]

That's odd. You know, as a child, folks, I thought that's how you played the game. You know, I thought Leapfrog was a game you played nude. Come to find out, my uncle's just a weird guy. Thank you guys for your time. I love you all.

[B]

Cameron shepherd making. I'm guessing it's your Kill Tony debut, correct?

[H]

Yes, sir.

[B]

Hell yeah. You wore your best tank top out tonight.

[H]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Fantastic. I love that there's a pocket on it. I don't think I've ever seen a pocket on a tank top quite like that before. I mean, the. The design stops there. It looks like you put it on yourself. Is there something that you keep in that pocket specifically?

[H]

Mainly fentanyl, but nothing else.

[B]

Okay. How old are you, Cameron?

[H]

I am 26 years old, Mr. Tony.

[B]

Wow. And you could have guessed anything there and I. And I would have accepted it, but 26 is one of the more depressing answers. Oh, my goodness. What have you been doing with your life this whole time? A lot of.

[K]

A lot of.

[B]

A lot of stress. No, man, you look like you're your own dad.

[H]

I'm feeling good.

[B]

You look like you made you.

[A]

Where's Butthead at?

[L]

Sir?

[B]

Where's Butthead at? Very good. You know it's bad when Red Bands roasting your ass. By the way, fun fact we found out earlier, Red Band has lost six pounds in two weeks. Everybody, hold on, hold on. Before you clap, let me tell you how he's doing it. He switched from fried foods to only sandwiches. He's on his sandwich only diet and his body,

[C]

he told us in the green room and three other fat guys were like, for real? That works, man. All of us were like, what is happen?

[D]

What's going on with these child rapists and sandwich diets? That's crazy.

[B]

Now Cameron, you look like you've extended exclusively been eating McDonald's french fries your entire life. How exactly do you keep that amazing frame that you have? What do you. What type of protein package are you on, Cameron?

[H]

So I'm not on any protein. I exercise a lot. So I climb trees and then I do backflips off of them.

[B]

Okay.

[H]

400 reps a day, okay?

[C]

You should have been in the 90s, bro. You're perfect. What type of music do you like? You like like some 41?

[H]

No, I like Sugar Ray Drill rap. I like that type.

[C]

Drill rap?

[M]

What the fuck are you like British stabbing music?

[H]

No, I'm an American.

[D]

You like hard black killing people in the street?

[H]

Oh yeah. Straight from the block, baby girl.

[B]

You know what, how many Drill rappers can you name? Can you rattle off some for us? Four? Two.

[H]

Duck, Chief Keef.

[B]

Okay.

[H]

Fbg, Duck fortwo Dug. I messed that up cause I'm white and I lied.

[B]

Okay, what do you do for work, Cameron?

[H]

I work at a hardware store.

[B]

What exactly do you do with the hardware store?

[H]

Okay, so some guy comes there and he's like, okora bischatar y manako. And then some guy comes to me and he's like, hey, I need a hammer, I need a drill and some plywood and I go get it.

[C]

Wow, that's why you like Drill rep?

[G]

Yeah.

[C]

Come on. Folks, folks, folks, folks, folks.

[B]

Amazing.

[D]

Were you being serious about the backflips? Was that a joke?

[H]

Dude, I'm super serious about that.

[D]

Can you do a backflip?

[B]

This. There's. This guy will break his neck. This guy has Owen Hart Energies for days right here. It'll be the first corpse we have to drag out of here. That coroner is gonna have a lot on his hands. It's gonna be like, wait, he's got the body of a 50 year old but his ID says 26. It's incredible. Cameron, what do you do for fun? What are some hobbies in real life? Like not silly backflip tree climbing, like the real.

[H]

So I like to sing a little bit, you know I like to sing some songs.

[B]

Are they originals?

[H]

No, I like to do homosexual covers of songs.

[B]

Okay. That's basically everything that I sing. That's incredible. So what exactly does that mean so,

[H]

like, Michael Jackson, specifically.

[B]

Oh, the mic's out of the mic stand, folks. Hey, pretty baby, can you. Okay, you can't. Hold on, let me stop. Yeah. That's crazy. That's insane. Luckily, it's short enough that I think the YouTube sensors won't pick it up.

[C]

But next time, open with that.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

No.

[C]

No context at all. Just walk out, flash your tits, sing that. Yeah. Do a backflip and leave.

[B]

Yeah, that's it.

[C]

Be the best.

[B]

Yeah. You'll be a golden ticket winner right away. I love it. Cameron, are you close with your parents?

[H]

Yeah, very close. I love my Miami. And Pia. Pia very much.

[B]

Where are they at?

[H]

They're in Nashville, Tennessee, where I'm from.

[B]

Is that where you still live?

[H]

No, I just moved here a month ago.

[B]

Okay. What made you move to Austin, Texas?

[H]

It's just a great comedy scene with a lot of chance.

[B]

Hell, yeah. And do you think that Robert Wadlow material is your finest minute, or is this something new that you're working on? Like, what made you go with that tonight?

[H]

I just love that joke and his big stupid cock.

[B]

Yeah. All right.

[C]

Okay, now sing Michael Jackson.

[D]

I was going to. Are there any other Michael Jackson homosexual covers?

[M]

That was great.

[H]

I have an Elvis one I can do.

[B]

Okay. Is it. That's.

[N]

Well, since you.

[K]

My ass.

[D]

All right.

[B]

There you go. That's great. So it's basically everything? You just switch the lyrics to the ass?

[J]

Yep.

[B]

Amazing. Yeah. That is incredible.

[H]

Super simple. Love it.

[B]

Amazing. I can tell you, we've only been here a month. This city's gonna be yours any day now. Yeah, it's all yours, Cameron. Here's a. Here's a big joke book. Why not? Thank you. Oh, my goodness. It's the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Unbelievable. Live in the flesh. Her podcast is@Heidy Regina.com. also check out the Kil Tony bands. YouTube at the Kil Tony band. Look at the love one more time for Heidi, everybody. Somehow wearing more clothes than Cameron shepherd was. Hey, y'. All. This podcast is sponsored by Quo. If your business communications are basically a burner phone and a prayer, at some point you might just hit that wall where you're like, all right, I'm done with all this. Let's quo. That's why today's episode is brought to you by Quo, spelled Q U O. The business communication system, built so that you never miss a call. Your entire team can handle calls and texts from one shared number. So no more missed messages or drop conversations. Everyone sees the full thread, replies are faster and customers actually feel taken care of. Redban Tony I love Quo.

[A]

It's the best business phone system hands down. Kuo is the number one rated business phone system on G2 with over 3000 reviews. Built for how modern teams work for solo operators to growing teams, you can rely on it and stay connected, professional and constantly reachable.

[B]

Quo works wherever you are right from your phone or computer. Keep your existing number, add teammates in minutes, sync your CRM and let the call routing handle itself as you scale. Plus Quo isn't just a phone system, it's a smart one. AI automatically logs calls, generates summaries and flags next steps so that nothing falls through the cracks. Calls, texts, voicemails, transcripts and contact details all in one clean view so your team always has the full picture and can show up for every customer conversation. Money is on the line and say hello with Quo. Try Quo for free plus get 20 off your first six months when you go to Quo.com Tony that's Q-U-O-COM Tony Yeehaw. This podcast is sponsored by Prize Picks. The regular season is wrapped in the NBA playoffs are finally here and there's no better way to cash in on the high flying hoops action than Prize Picks, a preferred partner of the NBA. Every bucket, every dime and every win means more when you're playing on Prize Picks. So don't pass up your next shot with Prize Picks and get fifty dollars instantly in lineups when you play your first five dollar lineup. And right now I'm personally excited about the do it live 2026 NBA Finals sweepstakes. Pick live squares during the NBA Playoffs and you could win a trip for two to the NBA Finals. To enter, just make a five dollar lineup with at least one live NBA player picked during any part of the 2026 NBA playoffs. Live player picks or picks made after a game is already in progress. You know what else is already in progress?

[A]

Brian Redb Prize Picks. You know that it's so simple to get started. You just pick more or less on two to six players stat Projections. If you get your picks right, you can cash in. Pick from all your favorite sports, anything from NBA basketball, hockey, UFC, soccer, tennis, golf, esports and more.

[B]

Plus Prize Picks is available in all 50 states including California, Texas, Florida and Georgia. Plus Prize Picks now has early payouts if your player gets off to a hot start. You now have the option to cash out those winnings before the game even finishes. So download the Prize Picks app today and use Code Tony to get fifty doll dollars in lineups after you play your first five dollar lineup. That's Code Tony to get fifty dollars in lineups after you play your first five dollar lineup. Prize Picks A preferred partner of the NBA Prize Picks Predict is a registered FCM offering team picks and culture picks as event contracts. Trading involves significant risk not for all. The content provided is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute investment advice, a recommendation to trade any commodity interest or an offer to open an account. Kill Tony is not registered with the CFTC or nfa. Prize Picks Predict does not endorse or guarantee any statements made by third party promoters or influencers. Please consult with a qualified professional before making any trading decisions. Your next bucket pool. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for 60 seconds. Going to live. Taylor. Liv Taylor, everybody.

[I]

What's up, Austin? I've been here for about a year now and there's one thing I knew about Texas before living here. It's hot, right? But it does get. It gets pretty cold at night. It got pretty cold during the winter. So cold that I needed help to sleep at night. So I started listening to Negro spirituals. Yeah, you're like, this crazy bitch has got like Wade in the Water radio on Spotify. That's fucking crazy. No, it was just me being too lazy to change the battery in my smoke detector. Hell yeah. I like to think that my dad was somebody to look up to as like an entrepreneur. It was just a really nice way of saying that he was a full time crackhead. I don't know if you know this, but ziprecruiter Excuse. Fuck. A sponsor of Kill Tony actually used to report the average salary.

[B]

All right, that's all your time.

[I]

That's it.

[B]

Where were you going with that? ZipRecruiter.

[I]

ZipRecruiter used to actually report the average salary of a full time crackhead.

[B]

What does that mean?

[I]

You know how like they have like salaries that you know, for different careers? They had full time. Like they had a full time crackhead on there at one point.

[B]

Is that true?

[I]

It is. No, I'm just upset I didn't screenshot it at some point. But yeah. When I first started writing, I wrote a lot about my dad and he was actually a crackhead. At one point I was like, I wonder if this actually was a thing. So I looked it up and it was surprisingly $97,000 a year to be a crack.

[B]

I don't understand still, like, no matter how much explaining you do, that just makes no sense.

[I]

I'm sorry, I'm the crackhead. It's fine. It passed down.

[B]

Is your dad still alive?

[I]

He is.

[B]

Okay. But he's not a crackhead anymore.

[I]

Not anymore.

[B]

How did he get. How did he. What made him stop doing crack?

[I]

Probably copd and, you know, just getting old and it gets old.

[D]

So I hear it stays young and beautiful forever. I've heard the reviews and it seems like the best drug there is. I won't go into anyone.

[C]

You sing Michael Jackson at all?

[D]

I thought the set was going really well until you used a word and then people were concerned.

[B]

Yeah, Negro.

[C]

It's weird. It's weird to see a racist goth.

[I]

That's,

[C]

you know, it's an interesting. It's a new racism. I never saw goth. That's so crazy.

[I]

I'm Hispanic. Does that count?

[C]

That's even crazier. Hispanic, racist Goth.

[I]

Yeah. Hell yeah.

[C]

Where are you from? Sorry, Tony.

[B]

No, it's good, go ahead.

[I]

I moved here from Georgia, so.

[E]

Yeah.

[I]

Yeah, checks out.

[C]

Checks out.

[B]

And how long have you been doing stand up?

[I]

About 2 and a half years.

[B]

How's it going out here on these streets?

[I]

It's going pretty okay. Yeah, I mean, I'm. I work a lot, so I'm. I.

[B]

Where do you work?

[I]

I'm a vet tech. I. Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

[B]

Where'd you get the cool Waffle House?

[D]

Jack, I wanted to ask.

[B]

Yeah, my.

[I]

My mom worked for Waffle House for like over 20 years.

[B]

That's amazing.

[C]

All right. You can say it.

[I]

Yeah. What?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You work at Waffle House.

[C]

20 years. That's a pass for a generational pass.

[B]

Wow.

[I]

Yeah. Dude.

[B]

Oh my God. That is so cool.

[I]

Last time I was on, I wore my mom's undertaker shirt. It just wasn't noticed. It's a dope ass shirt.

[B]

We love the undertaker right here. Yeah, we do. His action figure has been connected to the bucket for a long time.

[I]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. So did your mom ever bring home any Waffle House drama?

[I]

My mom was like the peacemaker of the Waffle House.

[B]

Whoa.

[I]

So she. She like took it. So she took in my. So my sister in law has been with my brother since he was like 13. She was. She's only like three years older than him, but she. My mom took her under her wing. She was in like a really bad relationship and so my mom was like, I need a babysitter, come work at my house instead of here. And yeah, she was just more of like the. She didn't. She didn't bring home drama. She was a good old Christian lady that just smoked weed. That was about it.

[B]

Very good. And both parents are Latino?

[I]

No, my. Well, my dad is Puerto Rican. My mom's Italian. Was. Italian.

[B]

Was.

[I]

Yeah. She. She. Where's it at? Red band. Come on, now.

[B]

You have to say how she did. How did she die?

[I]

She got hit by a car.

[B]

She got hit by a car. There you go.

[I]

There it is. Goddamn test.

[B]

Wow. Amazing.

[I]

Yeah.

[B]

Man. I bet by the end of that accident, she was smothered and covered and. There it is.

[I]

Yeah, I can remember.

[B]

Yeah. It's all right. How long ago did that happen?

[I]

August of 23.

[B]

Okay.

[I]

She's the reason. Her passing is the reason I started comedy, so.

[B]

That's great. Yeah. And it helps you. You perform a lot?

[I]

I try to, yeah. I mean, like, I. I have a. I like living well now. You know, I've been. I've been a vet tech for almost 10 years, and if anybody knows, vet techs don't make money, but, I mean.

[B]

You ever blow a dog whistle before?

[I]

No.

[B]

What do you think it does? Do you think it attracts dogs or scares them away?

[I]

I think it perks their little ears, you know? Unless they're sad and cropped and they're just up all the time.

[C]

Have you killed a lot of dogs?

[I]

It's not the only thing I do, Shane.

[B]

I'm sorry, but it is stories.

[I]

I give them drugs they don't want. I hold them down when they don't ask for it.

[N]

Nice.

[I]

I make them.

[B]

You ever. Nah.

[I]

Well, I was. I was gonna say, like, I make them go to sleep and, you know, we do things that they don't know about and wake them up. It's like nothing ever, ever happened. I'm like, you know Snoop Diddy.

[C]

Yeah, it's good.

[I]

Thanks, dude.

[C]

Should have done that. Don't do the spirituals one again.

[B]

Hallelujah. Liv Taylor. You already have a big joke book.

[I]

I. I do. I don't have a medium one, though.

[B]

No, that's okay.

[I]

That's okay.

[B]

Go fill it up.

[I]

Hey, better to ask than to not, right?

[B]

There you go. Liv Taylor, everybody, with another new minute. We're moving on, moving, moving on. Third bucket pool of the night. You guys having fun out there? Make some noise for your next bucket pool. It's Frankie Gonzalez, everybody. Here comes Frankie.

[O]

Hey, Austin. How we doing? I come from a pretty weird family. My brother, he just came out of the closet. I threw him in there for being fucking gay.

[K]

But.

[O]

Now we love him. We love him. Not publicly, but we love him. You know? I have to ask my dad. We'll see.

[E]

No, I know.

[O]

I'M not gay. Because I kissed a man once and I felt absolutely nothing after I came. Like, I was. I was good. Yeah. We're roommates now. That's besides the point. You know, I've been doing a lot more acid lately. Anybody else? Acid heads? Yeah. All right, Pussies over here. I love it, dude. I like taking a tab. Going hiking, like in the forest. I found Bigfoot once, dude. I checked my phone later. It was just a bunch of pictures of my black friend like this. Can't use those. He's got a fresh ass fade. You know what I mean? He looks good. I've only had one bad experience on acid. It was this one time I forgot that I ordered doordash and I got a notification on my phone that said Mohammed has your orders. He's on.

[B]

Is that it, Frankie?

[O]

Oh, it's like 10 seconds more.

[B]

Go ahead.

[O]

I forgot that I ordered doordash and I got a notification on my phone that said Mohammed has your orders. He's on the way. So for like six hours, I thought I planned nine, 11. I was like, what orders did I give out, dude? Popeyes, Pentagon, they're right next to each other, dog.

[B]

Yeah. Frankie Gonzalez, rock solid set. Welcome, welcome. How long you been doing stand up, Frankie?

[O]

Sorry?

[B]

How long you been doing stand up?

[O]

Oh, six years.

[B]

Six years. Where at?

[O]

San Diego.

[B]

Nice. You still live there? Are you here now?

[O]

I know I still live here. Just visiting.

[B]

Nice.

[O]

Yeah.

[B]

What do you do for a living? How do you make money?

[O]

Well, mainly stand up is taking up half of the income now, so that's what's up. But the other half work at the ymca.

[B]

Okay. What do you do at the ymca?

[O]

Shout out the Y. I'm a trainer. No, I work reception, dog. They don't let me in the back. They don't let me in there. It looks bad if I work people

[C]

out, you know, I just like. I like the Hispanic pronunciation of ymca.

[O]

Oh, wait, what?

[B]

How?

[C]

I haven't heard what ymca.

[O]

What YMCA we call. You can hear it? Can you guys hear it?

[C]

No, Let me hear it. Let me hear it.

[O]

Ymca.

[C]

All right, that was fine. All righted it up.

[O]

Sorry.

[B]

San Diego, no matter what ethnicity you are, if you're born in San Diego, you're white. I have a lot of black friends from San Diego that are all white.

[O]

Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.

[B]

Except for when, like, there's a chance to have, like, a guilt or anything. Then they're like, I'm totally black. You know what I mean?

[O]

Unless they're in court, you Know.

[B]

Are you really a trainer at the ymc?

[O]

Oh, no, dude, I work. I work reception at the wife.

[B]

Okay, that makes sense.

[D]

I don't know if you guys can see me. You got a lot of cute anime tattoos.

[P]

A little.

[D]

You got a little ghost here. You got a lady on the.

[O]

Oh, this is an actual one, though. Yeah.

[D]

What's happening with all that anime?

[O]

I went through a phase when I was 20. I regret it.

[C]

Horny as hell.

[O]

I was. It was during COVID I.

[C]

So horny. You got a fucking tattoo.

[O]

Well, yeah, I. You know, she was dope in. In that one show. Nobody knows.

[D]

Okay.

[O]

This is. That's okay. Yeah. How are you doing?

[B]

Okay, Good question.

[D]

Frankie, I want to tell you this. I'm actually coming to San Diego to do a show next week, and I would like to invite you to come and watch that show.

[B]

Whoa.

[O]

Oh.

[B]

Frankie Gonzalez has activated the lights. Front row.

[D]

Yeah, sure.

[B]

Still available. Front row seats still available for James's big show next this week in San Diego. Frankie, do you really have a gay brother? Is that just a joke?

[O]

I do.

[B]

Yeah.

[O]

Hella gay.

[B]

Yeah. Okay. Has he always been gay? How did. When. How old were you when you realized your brother was gay?

[E]

Oh, he.

[O]

He's a couple years older than me, so he's. He's like. He's about 30 now. He used to. He used to eat his ice cream cones, like, a little bit too passionately.

[B]

Oh, shit.

[O]

I. He used to let it drip down his hand. I was like, that's just, like, inconvenient. Why would you want that to happen? That's when I realized it.

[B]

And what do your parents think about him being gay?

[O]

Oh, they didn't like it for the first couple years, but my dad's getting older, so I think he's. He feels bad now.

[B]

When you say they didn't like it, like, did they verbalize that?

[O]

They didn't speak to him for about, like, two years.

[B]

Okay.

[O]

Yeah.

[B]

So did they talk to you about it?

[O]

Yeah, they did. Like, why is he gay?

[B]

Right?

[O]

And I was like, I don't know. There was that one time when I was 8.

[C]

You guys have a quinceanera for him?

[O]

He wanted one. He wanted one.

[B]

What's the gayest thing you've ever seen him do?

[O]

Oh, I woke. I fell asleep on the couch one time. I got really drunk. I was like, 20 years old. I fell asleep on the couch. I wake up, a man comes. I was living with him alone. A man comes out from the room. He comes out. They both walk out the Front door. Two minutes later, a second man comes out from the same room and leaves out the front door. He comes back in and says, don't tell mom and dad. And that's all we ever talked about. He's about 5 foot 4. I don't think he was one of the guys on top, if you know what I'm saying.

[B]

Spinner. Wow.

[O]

Yes.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Wow. Wow, Frankie. That is incredible. And how about you? Do you have a girlfriend?

[O]

I do, yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Where'd you meet her?

[O]

At San Diego.

[B]

Where in San Diego?

[O]

Just at a bar. Just a brewery.

[B]

And then you went up to her. What'd you say?

[O]

Yeah, she looked like. She. I. I. Like, I have a Jewish fetish.

[B]

Oh, she look. Wow. So you saw her. She was. She was picking up a nickel off the ground.

[K]

She.

[O]

Why? Tossed it. So, like, there we go.

[B]

Hell, yeah.

[O]

So it's cool. She had the right hair. She just looked extra Jewy that day.

[B]

And it's like. It was, like, dark and curly or what?

[O]

Yeah, dark and curly. Yeah. I was like, I could catch this one, you know?

[B]

Hell, yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. And what. What was your first date? What was your first experience with her? Like? Was it. Did you hook up with her that night after the bar?

[O]

We. We hooked up that night.

[B]

So let me guess. You picked up the tab.

[O]

I did, yeah. Well, we split it.

[B]

Whoa. Wow.

[E]

Yeah.

[O]

No, it was a big move by her, so I knew she was one of the good ones, you know? Yeah, no, we went. We went. We went back to her place that night, and the problem is I had a shift at the Y at 7am and I told her that, and she said, okay, well, if you have to go to work. And I was like, well, if somebody who really wanted this dick would be like, hey, skip work for me. And she didn't say that, which really kind of hurt me a little bit.

[H]

And then.

[O]

But we did end up fucking, and it was cool and everything hairy, but, you know, Jewish. It was fine. I woke up the next morning, no foreskin. Where did it go? You know.

[E]

Wow.

[B]

Frankie.

[O]

How many happened, though? She's not mad that I told everybody that, because that's literally what happened.

[B]

Dad, Jewish girls get mad about anything.

[O]

Oh, that's. She complains a little.

[B]

Yeah. But this wasn't your first Jewish rodeo.

[O]

Oh, God, no.

[B]

You love the Jewish.

[O]

I'm sniffing them out. I gotta.

[C]

Wow.

[O]

I like to invest. I like to.

[C]

It's like Inglorious Basti, he goes into bars. He's like, are you harboring enemies of the state? I'm gonna speak Spanish now.

[B]

Amazing, Frankie. Congratulations. Very fun said. Very fun interview. Here's a big joke book. There you go.

[O]

So much.

[B]

Frankie Gonzalez making his Kill Tony debut. We are rolling everybody. How do you do? This podcast is sponsored by Cheers Health. You know, recently I woke up after a totally normal night of drinking alcohol. Still felt bad the next day. Even though I drank responsibly, I did everything right. Water, food, sleep. And somehow it didn't matter. I felt awful. And then I discovered Cheers Restore. I slept well. It made me feel at least 50% better. It even caught me off guard how normal I felt. You just take it after your last drink or before bed and then it works while you sleep. Their claim to fame is you feeling 50 better or your money back. So you wake up feeling like you drank roughly half the amount. You know who could use that red band?

[A]

Tony. Actually, I've been using Cheers for years. I love those guys. I love Cheers Restore. I take it whenever I consume alcohol responsibly. Cheers Restore helps you metabolize alcohol more efficiently and supports overall liver health. Most people think dehydration is why you feel bad, but the real issue is what happens in your brain and liver while you sleep.

[B]

Oh, I felt that before. You ain't lying, red band. When alcohol leaves your system, your brain goes into rebound mode, which is what makes you feel bad. The DHM and Cheers works while you sleep to smooth out that rebound. At the same time, alcohol converts into a toxic byproduct that your liver has to clear out. The cysteine in Cheers helps speed that up. Cheers is backed by doctors. Cheers is also available in 30, 000 retail locations. Take cheers Restore after your last drinker before going to bed and wake up feeling at least 50 better your money back. For a limited time, our listeners are getting 20 off their entire order by using code kill [e-mail] just go to cheershealth.com and use code KEL TONY for 20 off. After your purchase they will ask where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them we sent you. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. You know those friends who support your preference for podcasts over music on road trips. That's the energy State Farm brings to insurance. With over 19,000 local agents, they help you find the coverage that fits your needs so you can spend less time worrying about insurance and more time enjoying the ride. Download the State Farm app or go online@state farm.com like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. This is a one word Name your next bucket pool, everyone. Those are always interesting. Our first one word name of the night. Make some noise for Dicky, everybody. It's Dicky.

[E]

Stuck on there. All right, my name's Dicky. I'm from Salt Lake City, Utah, home of the Mormons. I never realized how blessed I was to be Mormon until I got older and started really living that life of sin. You see, I started seeing ads and the number one solution for men who like, can't get hard or losing their hair or need to lose weight is called hymns. I've been singing those Mormon hymns like a motherfucker lately. Like, pray to God. Every time I need some chick to be into me. I just start doing a little hum when I'm doing my business. Just humming a little him. But yeah, now I'm getting older. I'm 36. My homies stopped partying as much. I actually got sober now. We went out to eat some dinner the other day and I told him I had acid. Two of them were buckling up for a good time. The other one tossed me some Pepto B. I was like, God, man. I mean, it's true. I'm capable of both. I have the good times and I have the fucking reflux. Damn, that was. That was rough.

[B]

Dicky, Dicky, I thought you were gonna end up on drums. By the end of that 60 seconds, you're moving farther and farther back from the microphone. You understand that? That red device is what picks up the sound.

[E]

It's getting me hotter, I swear to God.

[B]

Okay, but you have to talk right into the tip of that thing.

[E]

Okay, baby boy, what the hell?

[B]

Yeah, the set man have gone better. But I. I could hear it perfectly fine. It wouldn't have James MC no one

[C]

says the tip of that thing. I've done this for a while. I've never heard someone go, you got to talk right into the tip of that.

[E]

I'm not used to working the tip like that.

[D]

Right into the bulbous head is the microphone.

[C]

Put your mouth, hold it by the shaft talking to the tip. That's what's going on.

[D]

But Dickie, all I was gonna say is there's a lot of setbacks in this business and there's a lot of things that are gonna make you think you can't keep going. But I've never seen anyone. I just thought getting it out of the mic stand would one of the easier ones to get over

[E]

because there's

[D]

gonna be so much worse stuff that happens in your dream of being a stand up comedian. Oh, yeah, getting the microphone out of the mic stick.

[E]

Dude, that thing was scary. I was like, is this thing working?

[D]

You still haven't taken it out?

[C]

I know.

[B]

Grab it.

[D]

I in you?

[B]

Yeah. Oh, my God, I feel the power now.

[D]

Let me.

[C]

Let me start that over.

[B]

Powerful, powerful God.

[E]

Excalibur over here.

[B]

Dicky is sweating bullets, ladies and gentlemen.

[E]

Humid over here.

[B]

Soaking wet. He was dry as hell when he came out. He's dripping at this moment.

[D]

God damn.

[E]

I flew out here. I didn't sleep last night at all. Nervous as.

[B]

Okay, let's. It's okay, Dicky. We're gonna get to that. Relax.

[E]

Oh, man.

[B]

So how long have you been doing? Attempting stand up comedy?

[E]

Dude, this is like my second time.

[B]

Okay, so where was your first time? When was that?

[E]

It was in Salt Lake.

[B]

When?

[E]

Probably six months ago.

[B]

So six months ago you did an open mic?

[E]

Yeah, I was on mushrooms.

[B]

Okay.

[E]

Somehow I did way better.

[B]

Well, you think you did. You were probably nowhere near the microphone

[E]

magic of mushrooms, I guess.

[B]

Dude, you were probably in the lobby by yourself.

[E]

At least I was having a good time.

[B]

Absolutely. So, Dicky, was that at Wise Guys in Salt Lake City?

[E]

Yeah, it was a Wise Guys.

[B]

Okay, and. And you're saying that it went well for you?

[E]

It went pretty well.

[B]

It didn't so well that you're like, you know what? I'm gonna take six months off and go on the biggest comedy show in the world.

[E]

That's what the fuck I did. I was like, no bars. You know, I just went sober. And I feel like. Like I'm pretty much invincible almost. Just basically. Obviously not. But I feel that way. I feel like I'm some sort of genius as well, but I'm just not really stupid anymore.

[B]

It's perfect. Let's check in with James McKay.

[D]

Well, I was just. I mean, I know you said you're a Mormon from Salt Lake City, but are you also Hispanic? Because the last few people were Hispanic and you have the same intonation.

[E]

No, man, no. I'm.

[D]

The mustache and the tattoo and the. Yeah, well, great.

[E]

Yeah, I'm just a good old white boy from Utah.

[D]

It's just a vibe. The last three X. There's a strong vibe tonight.

[B]

There it is. An extremely Latino presence here. Maybe contrary to what, a haircut maybe? Oh, I don't know. All right, Dicky, relax.

[E]

I figured, you know what?

[B]

Step back from the microphone a little.

[D]

Little bit.

[B]

Got getting a little too close to that thing. So, Dicky, what do you do for work?

[E]

I'm a bartender and server.

[B]

A bartender and A server. But meanwhile, you're saying that you've been sober for how long?

[E]

About six months.

[B]

So what made you get sober six months ago?

[E]

Just a lot of really bad.

[B]

Like what? The good stuff. That's what we like to find out about here.

[E]

I. I got an accident. I just. Just.

[B]

You were drinking and dragging kind of.

[E]

Dewey.

[B]

Which is what kind of accident? Let's talk about. We love.

[E]

There's, like. There wasn't a ton of damage or anything. I side swiped something. Sideswiped.

[B]

What did you side. Okay. A tr. Yeah, I thought it was. I thought it was the one girl's mom.

[E]

Well, that too, dude.

[B]

S. She's in Utah.

[C]

There's a high chance that you. Did you at least step up to the breathalyzer or were you like.

[E]

Yeah, I was running. That's where I got that from when I was. I'm scared. I just go back into the drums.

[D]

Sorry, brother.

[B]

He's literally running into the drum set.

[E]

Dude, fight or flight?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Okay.

[E]

And I did get resisting, so it was.

[B]

Okay. Tell us about that. Like, take us through the experience. So. So you sideswipe a truck. Do you immediately see lights? Like, what happens?

[E]

I just. Up. I was an idiot. I was just like, man, I'm not even drunk.

[B]

And hold on. Again, take us through it. So you're driving. Do you remember hearing you hit a truck? Do you remember any of it?

[E]

Yeah, I was like. I was like, holy. I just hit a truck.

[B]

Okay.

[E]

And so it was actually parked illegally. It was sticking out, but it was my fault. So I was an idiot. I was an idiot. I was like, oh, that car sparked illegally.

[B]

Did you stop and pull over immediately after sideswiping the truck?

[E]

Yeah, because I didn't want to get the flee in the scene. I literally didn't think I was drunk, so it fucked me over.

[B]

Okay, how long until the cops showed up?

[E]

It was probably, like three minutes. It was right downtown, so.

[B]

Wow. And see, you just waited there.

[E]

Dude, I didn't think. I was drunk, and I didn't want to get fleeing the scene.

[B]

But you were more worried about getting fleeing the scene than getting a blatant dui.

[C]

The truck driver wasn't the truck. There was no one there. It was just. You.

[B]

What?

[C]

The truck was parked.

[E]

No, there was someone in the other truck.

[C]

Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I thought it was parked illegally.

[E]

God, it.

[B]

Yeah, it was.

[F]

Oh, it was.

[C]

It was.

[E]

Someone was in it.

[C]

Oh, okay, I see.

[E]

Yeah. No, it was stupid. Definitely stupid.

[C]

What you. What was your. What you blow?

[B]

What did you Blow.

[E]

Now. I wish this mic was off.

[C]

You don't have point, but it's funny.

[P]

I got.

[E]

I got 25.

[C]

Oh, you didn't do.

[E]

That was just another day, dude. That was just another day. I was like 11am and it's in that Utah time.

[D]

No, no.

[E]

I'd been partying the night before. It was pretty wild, dude. I have some wild stories.

[D]

That's why you're sweating. You're a pickle.

[E]

Yeah. Cuz I'm not used to being sober with this much stress on me, man.

[B]

So that's three times over the legal limit.

[E]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Were you on drugs at the time? It's okay. You just got to let it out now, buddy.

[E]

Shout out to my probation officer, Tracy, for writing me off on coming over

[C]

here six months ago.

[E]

Well, yeah, six months ago, but I was. I was on a little bit of boomies and just.

[B]

What exactly is boomies? Mushrooms.

[E]

Just mushrooms? Yeah.

[B]

Okay, so. So you were three times over the legal limit and on mushrooms. So tell us.

[E]

And I nailed the test, dude. I swear to God, like, if you see the footage. If you see the footage. I nailed the test.

[D]

That's so much worse than if you didn't. If you were at 0.25 and you were getting that. You're slamming that test. That's so scary.

[E]

I know. That's why I stopped drinking.

[D]

What do you have to get to to be drunk? You got to be just one.

[E]

That was so I've. I've been checked into the hospital at like point four or something. Yeah. So that's when I was like. And that's not even when I stopped drinking. I just stopped drinking like six months ago after I got out of jail the last time. I was like, man, this.

[B]

So tell us about the resisting arrest that you got on this chart.

[E]

They just can't handle little dude.

[B]

Like, what, man?

[E]

They up my day, I'm going up theirs, you know?

[B]

Okay, you're saying everything except answers to the question right now.

[D]

I love you didn't flee the scene. I'm fighting.

[B]

I'm staying. I'm not going to flee, but I'm going to stone cold stun this police officer.

[E]

They didn't want none, dude. I was just chilling. I was just like kind of telling them take off their body cams and trying to go head up, you know, like they weren't.

[B]

You were going to fight the police?

[E]

I would love to, but I can't. I can't. My officer is after this dude backstage. He's ready for me, man. Get stunned Before I go back.

[B]

You are a wild boy.

[E]

Yeah, dude. I'm chilling now, though. I'm sober. I'm not trying to go back to. To jail no more.

[B]

Was this comedy set that you did, was that before or after that open mic at the.

[E]

The comedy set? Yeah, that was open mic. That's all I've done is that one time.

[B]

Now I'm asking if the charge that you got was before or after you started.

[E]

After.

[B]

Okay. Yeah, okay.

[E]

Had a couple before that, but whatever. Keep that out of there.

[B]

Wait, what? There's another one? No, it's good. Tell us about that. It's very compelling you're doing.

[C]

It's very likable. You're very likable.

[B]

Yeah, you're. You have the.

[E]

Sound good.

[B]

No, it's great. You have the best interview of the show so far. Right, everybody?

[E]

Thank you, guys.

[B]

The honesty is bleeding through.

[E]

I know. Like, I'm, like, ashamed to all my Mormon family right now.

[B]

It's great. You've turned your life around.

[E]

Don't come home.

[B]

No, it's great.

[D]

It's great.

[E]

Now I've turned my life around. Yeah, it's good.

[B]

Okay, so what was the other charge? What else have you been arrested for?

[E]

I have a couple like it.

[G]

Just.

[D]

What do you.

[E]

What do we want to talk. I have another dui. I got, like, rated when I was, like, a while ago.

[B]

You got rated? Oh, yes. What did you. What did you get rated for?

[E]

Just having fun, dude. Living life, man.

[B]

This guy is unbelievable. You have, like, your own thing. I don't know if you. I don't even think you know how funny you accidentally are.

[E]

I own Salt Lake, and they just, like. They're like, man, we have to arrest them again. They don't like doing it, you know? Like, I bring the good times to Salt Lake, so.

[B]

Oh, my God, this guy's a machine. So what were they rating you for?

[E]

Well, that was. Okay, this is a story.

[B]

Okay, here we go.

[E]

I got a restraining order against this crazy chick because she kept showing up to my house. So she went so crazy that she reported me to the dea.

[B]

Oh, yeah? For what? Growing mushrooms?

[E]

Dude, they just.

[B]

No, no, there's no G in dea.

[E]

No, that was it. That she's like, this guy's. Steve is off the charts. He's got to be on something. That's all it was.

[B]

So they raided you, and what did they find?

[D]

For me?

[B]

They found. They found that you were a g. No.

[E]

That's when I found out, dude. I had to find the hard way, but no dude, they hit me with some, like, weapons charges.

[B]

What kind of weapons? Hold on. This guy is guilty as fuck, dude.

[E]

I rolled with. I did my shit, you know, I took care of it, man. I'm out here to form. Yeah.

[B]

What kind of weapons did you.

[E]

Crazy.

[D]

Oh, formed.

[B]

Oh, my God. Oh. Tracy's the probation officer. Yeah. Okay, so what weapons did you have?

[E]

Just, like, normal weapons.

[B]

Like, what kind? What's a normal.

[E]

So, like, me, personally, I had a couple roommates at the time. One of them had, like, an ar. I had, like, a shotgun and three pistols.

[B]

Three pistols? Yeah. Just in case you have to shoot people with both hands and your feet.

[E]

You just shoot for fun, man.

[J]

Right?

[E]

Depends on, like, someone really with you. It's like, well, just, you know, just.

[B]

Right.

[E]

Might get a little AR action. You never know. Absolutely wild out there, man.

[B]

You are so wild. I spent so much time with you on the interview, it's crazy. But. And I. And I, by the way, I don't want to move on. I have, like, a thousand more questions, but I literally have to for the sake of the format of the show. But I feel like we. I feel like we are just cracking the surface of your wild ass. So sign up again sometime, and we'll ask you more questions. There he goes, everybody. That's Dicky, everyone. Thank you, guys. I feel like Dicky's gonna break his sobriety tonight. Be careful out on those streets, everybody. Dicky may have rented a car here tonight. All right, your next bucket bull goes by the name of. Of Ronaldo Mercado, everybody. Ronaldo Mercado.

[Q]

What's up? My name is Ronaldo. Good to see you guys. I am. I'm a Mexican guy. I'm a half. My mom is white. My dad is missing. I was, like, raised by a single mom. My mom had to raise me herself, so she had to be, like, a single mom. She had to do both things at the same time, you know? My mom had to fill my dad's shoes, which is hard, you know, because my mom had to be a mom and a Mexican dad. Do you know how hard that is? My mom had to take me to baseball practice, and then she had to mow the outfield afterwards. Okay?

[B]

I'm serious.

[Q]

My mom had to put a roof over my head, literally. She built it. She shingled it.

[B]

Okay.

[Q]

My mom had to build the table so she could get paid underneath it.

[G]

Okay.

[D]

All right.

[B]

And I think if it was like

[Q]

that for me growing up, that means it's like that for other kids who also have mixed Race parents, but only have one parent in the house. Right? So that means that somewhere out there,

[H]

there is a black mom

[G]

who has

[B]

to be a white dad.

[Q]

And every day she has to go up to her kid and go,

[G]

hey,

[B]

you ready, Freddie? Yeah. Ronaldo Mercado, everybody. Fantastic set.

[G]

Thank you.

[B]

You've been on the show a couple times before, right? Yeah, yeah. Awesome. It's my third time. I love it. Fantastic. Welcome, welcome.

[N]

Thanks for having me.

[B]

Of course.

[M]

Yeah.

[B]

It's the bucket's fault, but. Yeah, of course. So tell us, how's life been? What's going on?

[Q]

It's good, man. Things have been fun. Been doing a roast battle here in the city. To roast battle here at the club and I wonder. Was awesome. It's been fun, man. It's been great.

[B]

Yeah? Yeah. What else? How about in, like, real life?

[Q]

Just been boozing a lot, you know, doing. Doing a lot of drinking and mostly that. I got so drunk the other night, I went and ordered a torta from a Mexican food truck. And then I was walking down the street and I was trying to find where my Waymo was, but I was looking at my phone with my torta in this hand, and then I tripped and I hit the curb and I smacked my knee and I fell really hard. And I fell so hard that some dude behind me was like, yo, are you okay? And I didn't turn around. I was embarrassed.

[B]

Did you drop the torta?

[Q]

I did.

[D]

Tell me there's not a big Hispanic vibe tonight.

[B]

There is. There is. I can confirm. There's definitely a vibe. Contrary to the mainstream news reports of deportations, they appear to be deporting them to Shakespeare's, the bar next door. It was what I is doing. Shane, what's going on? You cooking up something?

[C]

No, no, no. It's just. He's got the knocked loose on. It's another goth Hispanic.

[B]

Yeah, they are. They're very gothy, right? When I was El Nino. Hey, sometimes the fato just gets sad and.

[Q]

But it's different for Mexican emo guys.

[B]

We.

[Q]

Because you guys, right? You white emos like Shane. Shane's a. Shane's a white emo. He likes corn, right? You listen to corn, but we listen to elote. It's.

[C]

That's good. How you say counting worms in Spanish?

[Q]

Yeah, I'm no sabo. I don't know how to speak that. I'm from St. Louis. I'm from the Midwest. I don't. I've built nothing in my life.

[D]

Santa Luis Weez,

[B]

the. The P. A. Ronaldo Phantom. What do you do for work, Ronaldo?

[Q]

I. I used to work at a Home Depot.

[E]

Wow.

[Q]

That is true. But now I just. I am. I'm a door guy at the Sunset Strip. I work over there.

[B]

Whoa, look at that red band had that sound effect ready. Sunset Strip's a real party down there. There. I love it. Well, Ronaldo, you did fantastic. I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday.

[Q]

Absolutely. Let's do it.

[B]

Here you go, Ronaldo.

[J]

Boom.

[B]

Ronaldo Mercado, everybody. We have a regular, ladies and gentlemen, who is awesome. He writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. You know him, you love him. He was once the dark storm of Atlantis. He's now the dark storm of Austin. Make some noise for the great Dedrick Flynn, everybody. Hell, yeah.

[G]

Oh, man, it's summertime. I love summertime. Because my white friends show back up. They go into hiding when it's winter time. And I just. I miss flexing how good my white friends is, like, on the Internet. Like, all of my black friends and family, they hit me up after I posted a story of me on another jet ski that I didn't just pay for. And they're like, hey, share your white friends with us. And I'm like, no, nigga. Y' all don't know how to act. Y' all don't know how to act at all. Like, I got better white friends than white people. Like, what did you do last weekend? I was at WrestleMania. I was at Wrestlemania. Cause my white friends took me. It was a great time. So I finally decided to take my brother out to a sandbar party. Sandbars is this thing that happened in the ocean, and, like, a piece of land come up, and then you take the. You take a boat over there, and then you get to claim the land, right? So I'm really giving my brother his 40 acres and a mule, right? I got. I'm really just putting on for him. And after about 40 minutes of arguing with that nigga, he finally took his Air Force ones off at the beach, right? Cause he looked me dead in my eyes, and he was like, ain't nobody gonna see my toes, right? And I respect boundaries. And so this nigga, he got his socks in the sand. And when you had a sandbar, it's important that when, like, another group of white people come, you gotta fight these niggas to the death. You gotta play, like, beer pong and flip cup. And then the loser gotta. They gotta go. And they was real happy to have two black friends there. Nigga we held the island the whole day after. Cause, like, the week before, they was like, yo, Dedrick, when you coming out? We just lost six islands. You know what I'm saying? They brought they black friend. You was supposed to be here. You know, suit up. That's my time.

[B]

Dedrick Flynn with another brand new 1 minute, 55 seconds. Always working overtime every single week. You did it again, Dedrick. Sir, what are sandbars like? I've never actually been to one.

[G]

Oh, bro, you gotta. I. I introduce you to my white friends. It's literally like, just like a mini beach.

[B]

And then take, like, a boat out there.

[G]

Yeah, we take the boat. We got, like, kegs of beer and, like, we have our own bar. We got, like, bring out, like, the portable speaker and just party on that, like, beach bar.

[B]

Okay. Yeah.

[G]

This is a lawless country.

[B]

Country sounds like fun. But there's water all around you, right?

[G]

Yeah, Yeah. I don't get in that.

[B]

Right.

[G]

I do the drinking games like that where we play, like, dizzy bat. You know what dizzy bat is?

[B]

Uh.

[G]

Oh, let me fucking tell you. You take a plastic baseball bat, and you cut it off by the handle, and you gotta pour a beer in there, and then you chug it. And however many seconds it take you to. To chug it, you got to put the bat on your head and spin around, and them niggas throw the can at you. And if you hit it, you good, but if not, you gotta go again.

[C]

Oh, I mean, this totally out of respect. Can you swim? No, I don't.

[E]

I ain't really.

[C]

Look, I get it. I take, I take. I, I. I'm the white guy that takes some black guys out on boats sometimes. Not like Tony would, but. But they. Then we start drinking. They start getting confident in their swimming ability.

[G]

No, I put that, and they jump in.

[C]

At first, they're, like, holding on to the side boat. Like, no drink five. They're like, I can swim pretty good. And then I gotta save them. Yeah, it's Lamar and Nate.

[B]

Yeah, it really is.

[C]

They're big. They're tough to grab.

[D]

I can imagine why, deep in the genetic memory, black guys might not want to get on a white guy's boat. That was cheap.

[B]

I apologize.

[G]

Don't bring that up, okay?

[C]

Bring that up.

[B]

Well.

[D]

Cause I didn't do it, so it's funny to me. But you guys.

[C]

Yeah, but what'd you guys do?

[D]

We don't want to talk about what we did. It wasn't great what we did.

[C]

Hey, I know exactly what you did. They Eradicated an entire. Yeah, whatever.

[G]

Aborigines.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[G]

Y' all love taking them out.

[D]

Well, we say sorry sometimes.

[C]

It was also like the 70s crazy when they did it. Like men down under came out or met at work came out. Like, while that was happening.

[D]

Gotta have a good soundtrack when you're doing a genocide.

[C]

Vietnam. That right?

[B]

Hell yeah.

[D]

What a cool Eddie Guerrero shirt you're wearing. I just want to say,

[B]

hell yeah.

[G]

That was good. You tricked me. I was high enough for that.

[B]

Damn, Dedrick, you did it again. Another fantastic two minutes. We love you, Dedrick. It goes on and on. Later, buddy. Your next bucket pool, everybody goes by the name of. Oh, how about one more time for Heidi, everyone. There's the lovely Heidi.

[C]

Zootopia 2 has come home to Disney Plus. Let's go get ready for a new case.

[B]

We're gonna crack this case and prove we're the courtest partners of all time.

[C]

New friends.

[B]

You are Gary the Snake. And your last name, the Snake. Dream team.

[K]

Hindu habitats.

[B]

Zootopia has a secret reptile population.

[C]

You can watch the record breaking phenomenon at home.

[B]

You're clearly working at Zootopia 2.

[C]

Now available on Disney plus, rated PG.

[B]

And we're going to keep it moving. Your next bucket pool, 60 seconds uninterrupted, goes to Brandon Fields, everybody. Here comes Brandon, everyone.

[P]

Oh, my God. I am high as alien right now. Don't smoke weed before you do this. I'm telling you, it's not a good thing. Anyway, my. My name is Brandon. Yeah, I'm a black guy with a white name. So, I mean, believe it or not, I get judged more by what kind of phone I have. More than being black these days. Believe that. It's like, oh, you got an Android? Oh, this ugly. Got an Android. I can't take it. Why y' all judge people off of their phones, man? Cause I got an iPhone. I'm not cool. Cause I don't have an iPhone. I'm not cool. Maybe.

[K]

All right.

[P]

Fuck y' all. Anyway. Yep, I got a white name. White thing about me, I could swim. Unlike that dude on House Arrest back

[C]

there that just left the stage.

[P]

He was actually on House Arrest. I saw the angle monitor and thank you on Brandon.

[B]

Okay, Brandon Fields, welcome to the show. Brandon, you did nothing. Let's talk about it. How long you been doing Stand up

[P]

up on and off for like, three years.

[B]

For three years? Where at? What part of Tampa or Atlanta exactly?

[P]

Actually, I started in Colorado.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[F]

Yeah.

[P]

Colorado Springs in Denver. And now I'm here.

[B]

Okay, what were you doing in all these white places?

[P]

I was in the military. I was in the army.

[B]

Oh, nice. Hell, yeah. What were you doing in the army?

[L]

Shooting.

[C]

Bombing?

[B]

Hell yeah. Amazing. Did you ever fight overseas?

[P]

I did not. I didn't want to because I joined at a older age. I was 32 when I joined.

[B]

32. So what's the craziest thing you did when you were in the military? What's the hardest thing?

[P]

Well, we had a cool night shoot with big 50 cows and white hot scope and stuff like that. And all night out there blowing up.

[C]

Yeah.

[P]

So that was pretty cool.

[B]

Where do you live now?

[P]

I live in. Close to Maynard.

[B]

Maynard, Texas?

[P]

Yes.

[B]

How far is Maynard?

[P]

About 15, 18 minutes.

[G]

Oh, okay.

[P]

Yeah, it's not far.

[B]

All right. So you're doing comedy in Austin a lot?

[P]

Not that much. I'm on and off. This is actually my first time signing up.

[B]

You always wear that hat? Do you always look like someone dipped the Gordon's Fisherman in chocolate? Is that hat your thing? Are you attached to the hat?

[P]

I mean, I'm trying to get used to it, but I have a big forehead, so.

[B]

Can we see it? Do you mind showing it to us? The world wants to see that big forehead.

[H]

All right.

[E]

Oh.

[B]

Oh. See?

[Q]

Oh.

[G]

Shut your ass up.

[B]

Michael. Good.

[P]

I saw you coming outside. I know where you park.

[B]

Michael Gonzalez with a very loud God damn when he saw that forehead.

[C]

Yep.

[P]

I'm kind of used to it.

[B]

So you're fighting the good fight with the forehead.

[P]

Yeah.

[B]

Wow. When did that start? Was that recent or.

[P]

No, that was from birth.

[B]

Oh, okay. You always had a big forehead.

[P]

I kind of dropped his elbow in the back of my head and.

[O]

Yeah.

[K]

Yeah.

[P]

Came out the front.

[B]

Absolutely. So what do you do for work now?

[P]

Actually, I just quit my job last week.

[B]

What was the job?

[P]

I was a salesman.

[B]

What were you selling?

[P]

Flooring, tile, hardwood floors, stuff like that.

[B]

Okay. You weren't good at it.

[P]

Nah. No.

[B]

How long did you do that for?

[P]

About a year, since I got here.

[B]

All right.

[P]

And I worked at like Floor and Decor and before, so selling floors.

[B]

And did you quit real professionally? Did you give like a two week notice or was it like that day?

[P]

You say I'm black, right?

[B]

Well, I mean, I know I'm just setting you up.

[P]

Hell no. I could quit right on the spot. Actually, my manager, my old manager, he watches this show at work all the time, so he's probably gonna see this.

[K]

Sorry, bro.

[P]

I had to quit. Got a better job.

[B]

What was the last straw? What made you quit on that day?

[P]

I just didn't feel like it no more. And I got another job.

[B]

So what's the new job?

[P]

New job. Selling tires.

[B]

Okay. All right.

[C]

Hey.

[P]

Selling tires. Yes, sir.

[B]

I think you'd be good at that since you kind of look like one.

[P]

Yeah, I'll start tomorrow, so.

[B]

Hell, yeah. It's going to be a good year for you. Come on. Come on, folks.

[D]

Toyo, you didn't.

[B]

That was a tire joke. What?

[C]

It was good. It was a. Yeah, yeah, I got it. It was good.

[B]

Speaking of Tire, Season 3 still Netflix

[C]

coming soon. Did you make any money with the flooring thing?

[P]

No, I kind of sucked. You can. It's commission.

[C]

I tried to sell bathtubs.

[P]

Yeah.

[C]

$0. I worked there. I didn't make a single dollar.

[P]

Yeah, I've been. It was pretty broke.

[C]

They just trick people at Home Depot. So, like, do you want us to come remodel your house? And they're like, yeah, sure, you the dumbest people on earth. Say yes. And then you got to drive to their house and be like, I can design you a bathroom.

[B]

Never let Home Depot design your.

[C]

Get out of my house.

[P]

No, I never let Home Depot design your shit. I was just a shitty salesman. I don't know. I'm a short, black shit that looked like, he'll steal your shit.

[D]

I think you're gonna be a great tire salesman. I think you could sell anybody a pair of tires. You gotta believe in yourself. I was a great door to door salesman. I sold cable television after Netflix had been invented. That's not easy, but I believe in you. Got to look them in the eye and you got to say, you better buy these ties or I'm going to kill your family.

[B]

Yep.

[P]

Like I said, I'm black, bro. I can't like that.

[C]

Are you. Are you from Colorado Springs?

[P]

Hell no. I'm from Florida.

[C]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Wait, I was right.

[C]

Yeah. The army. Yeah.

[P]

Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

[B]

Close to Tampa.

[P]

Fort Lauderdale.

[B]

Yeah.

[P]

I'm close to Miami.

[B]

Close enough.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, close enough. Amazing. So have you practiced selling tires yet? Are you prepared for this?

[P]

No, I mean, how hard can it be? You got a flat tire. I got a new one here.

[B]

I agree. You made everyone in the room tired in just 60 seconds.

[D]

There's more. I've had tires sold to me in this country. You got to do the pitch. You really do. You gotta go. Well, we can give you these cheap tires. I guess that's fine if you're ready to spin off the road and die, I guess if you're ready to accidentally sideswipe a truck that's parked, park badly or have your mother explode in a car accident. I guess those are the tires you could get or you get these fancy tires.

[P]

Oh no.

[D]

You gotta upsell, man.

[P]

You want to help me out on my first day?

[E]

No.

[B]

Brandon, let me ask you a question.

[P]

What's up?

[B]

What do you think is the whitest thing about you like in your daily routine or at home or something like that? Or even maybe your nightlife? What do you. What's something that you do that you think might be the whitest thing about you, Brandon Fields?

[P]

I actually don't know, man. I'm pretty black, bro.

[B]

Okay, well then let me ask the follow up question.

[P]

I swim like.

[B]

Oh, okay. Perfect. That'll. That will count. That all right. Yeah. Here's the good part. What's the blackest thing about you?

[P]

Got a couple charges done. Robbed a couple. And back in my dad day. Back in the mom too old.

[B]

What did you do with the friends of yours? I missed that part. You?

[P]

I robbed a couple people.

[E]

Okay.

[P]

No.

[B]

Okay. How did you do that? Did you do that with a weapon perhaps or. No, I just steal this.

[C]

Oh.

[P]

Why did not look it? I was a petty thief.

[B]

I wasn't good at it.

[P]

Okay.

[B]

What's the most you ever got in a thievery?

[P]

I actually got like 601 time.

[C]

Whoa.

[B]

Not bad. That's pretty good.

[C]

Yep.

[B]

Was that a off of a white woman?

[K]

Yes.

[P]

How did you know?

[D]

I'm sick of you talking yourself down. You're saying I'm bad at selling floor, I'm bad at selling tires, I'm bad at robbing a white woman. I think you were good at robbing that white woman. I think you could you focus, you set your mind to it. You do anything you want. Damn it.

[B]

Just out of my own curiosity, even though I should end this now, where what was the situation with this white woman? Just out of curiosity. It Was it at a bar, Was it at a beach? What was going.

[P]

I was working security at a mall.

[B]

Uhhuh.

[F]

And perfect the least it was an inside job.

[C]

That's great.

[J]

Hell yeah.

[P]

She lost her wallet.

[E]

Ah.

[P]

And I found it.

[C]

She did? She reported to you?

[P]

No, she reported to the store. And I'm like oh yeah, I have a wallet came out. Here you go.

[D]

That's not a robbery. Stealing from the Lusten found. Yeah, well you I want you to grow to have the self confidence to threaten to kill a.

[B]

Damn it.

[P]

You never sold from the lost and found?

[Q]

No.

[P]

Why not man?

[B]

It's free shit.

[D]

Well, I might rummage through on the way out of here.

[B]

I never thought of it before.

[D]

Do we have a lost and found at the pub? I shouldn't talk about it, man.

[B]

Brandon, you are leaving here with a small black joke book. It goes along with your everything, but sign up again. All right, we're going to keep it moving along here. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Lucas Hinderliter, everybody. Here comes Lucas Hinderliter. Yep. Yeah, that's a Lucas Hinderliter.

[M]

Wow. Thank you, guys. My name's Lucas. I had a weird day today. I walked into a porta potty that didn't have any toilet paper in it.

[B]

Yeah.

[M]

So I walked out of that porta Potty wearing only one sock. Yeah. Yeah. Because I had to wipe with the rest of my clothes. Y' all ever do that? Y' all ever walk out of a porta Potty with a sock on your dick? Oh, you thought it was on my foot. Oh, nosy. Who's on my dick? It's good to be here. I was hanging out with my grandpa recently. My grandpa's getting old. I was in his room recently. I found a box in his room. It was labeled barely legal porn.

[E]

Yeah.

[M]

Now in 2026, barely legal porn is 18 year old girls. But my grandpa's so old that it was all just interracial. Thank you.

[B]

Fantastic. A genuinely good joke. Lucas Hinderliter. I love it. Welcome, welcome. Have you been on this show before, Lucas?

[M]

Yes.

[B]

I remember you. Welcome back. How's everything been going?

[M]

Fine.

[B]

I love it. How long you been doing stand up?

[M]

Ten years, on and off. Ten years?

[G]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay, very good. Where at?

[M]

I started in St. Louis and I did in New York for a while.

[B]

And now, now I'm here. How long have you been here?

[M]

About two years.

[B]

What do you do for work?

[M]

I sell motorcycles for a living.

[B]

Oh, interesting. One of the more interesting things we've heard being sold tonight. How do you. How do you do that? What's your pitch?

[M]

I Do you want to get.

[B]

Dude, yeah. I'd be like, no. No way.

[C]

No. What about a sidecar?

[B]

Oh, what a dream.

[C]

That is your dream.

[B]

Yeah. You should get a motorcycle and I'll ride in the sidecar. Dude, come on.

[C]

You love those rickshaw bike rides. You want to get a sidecar?

[B]

So I love pedicabs.

[C]

Actually. Sidecar would be.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I would like to be in a sad car. I don't know if they may. I'd just be in a regular car my size. Yeah, whatever.

[B]

I love it. Lucas, you got a girlfriend? Yeah. Okay. Does she do comedy, too?

[M]

No, she's a musician.

[B]

Oh. What kind of musician is she?

[M]

Like, you know, white girl, sad music.

[B]

I love it. Yeah, she's successful.

[M]

Yeah. She just got a boob job today.

[B]

Whoa.

[N]

Yeah.

[B]

Red Band wants to know her Instagram account.

[C]

Her music must be great.

[N]

Yeah.

[D]

Like, how big? You've never had a better opportunity to help her career and give her a shout out, and you've gone straight to fresh new tits.

[C]

Yeah, music's whatever. But she did get new tits, so her career is about to take off.

[B]

Redban had a good question. How big did she go with the tits?

[M]

I don't think. Too big. Yeah.

[E]

I don't know.

[M]

I told her I didn't want her to get them. I protest.

[B]

Yay.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

Why?

[M]

That's exactly what she said. She called me gay.

[B]

What was your theory on her not wanting her to get a boob job?

[M]

We haven't even been dating that long. We've been dating, like, three months. And I just got used to her body. Now she's about to change it. I don't know.

[B]

Right.

[G]

You're scared.

[B]

What size?

[M]

Yeah, here's what I'm scared of. I'm scared she is way hotter than me. Yeah, I'm scared. Yeah. She's gonna leave me.

[B]

Right, that makes sense. But maybe she wants to please you. Have you seen them yet?

[M]

I have. No, she just. Just got out, like, a couple hours ago. She's gonna be so mad at this.

[B]

It's okay. No, she's not gonna be. So you have seen the new tits?

[M]

I have not.

[B]

Okay, so you must be excited. Are you gonna see them tonight?

[M]

I don't think that's how. I think she's bandaged up or something.

[E]

I don't know.

[M]

I don't want to see, like, stitches and, you know.

[B]

Wow.

[M]

I don't know how they do it, though. Maybe they just aired them up.

[N]

I don't know.

[B]

Could be.

[A]

They don't have stitches.

[B]

They don't have. And you have to massage them for a couple months so you get.

[C]

Yo, you are so fucking weird. See, why would you know anything about that?

[B]

He knows everything. My ex did that.

[C]

But she left you after the tits.

[A]

Exactly.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not a good sign, but whatever.

[M]

It's coming.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Amazing. So you're. You don't want to see stitches or any damage whatsoever, man.

[M]

I don't. I'm afraid, like, I know they're gonna look fine, but I'm like, that first picture, I'm afraid they're gonna look crazy like, I don't know, like lopside or some. She lives in Canada, so it was like free health care tits. That was taxpayer tits.

[B]

Yeah, those are.

[C]

Yeah. That's ridiculous. Yeah, but that.

[M]

I told her to go to Mexico, she went to Canada. She went the other way.

[B]

Free tits. You might be the one leaving her.

[M]

Yeah, no, she's. She's way too good for me.

[B]

She lives in Canada full time.

[M]

Yeah.

[B]

So you're in a long distance relationship?

[C]

Yeah, we met a titch up.

[M]

What's that?

[C]

Yeah. You guys are not together?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

At all? I'm sorry to tell you that we

[M]

met after my last appearance on here. She slid in my DMs afterwards.

[B]

Wow. Yeah, look at that. So what do you guys do? You like FaceTime?

[M]

Well, so, I don't know. She's been here like three times in the last three months. I just pay for tickets for her to fly here.

[P]

Wow.

[B]

You make that much money selling motorcycles?

[M]

No, don't finance that.

[B]

And with the. Oh, they were free tits. That's right.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

But she didn't tell you what size she was going to.

[M]

No, she knew I didn't to want like it, so she just hasn't talked to me about it.

[B]

Oh, I hope. I hope they're like those obnoxiously huge tips. Oh, I hope so. I hope they're like anime giant like the ones in your newly banned AI videos. Cat bread.

[E]

All right.

[B]

Lucas Hinderliter, what are your parents like? Because the Hinder lighters seem like they would be in going off of your complexion. The whitest white. White people of all time.

[M]

Yeah, my. My grandpa was German. My grandma was British. My mom's dead. Yeah.

[B]

How did mom die?

[M]

Crack.

[B]

Wow. That's a theme tonight.

[M]

It was drug related. I don't know. I didn't ask too many questions. She was kind of wild.

[B]

Interesting. How recently did that happen?

[M]

Like four years ago. Five years ago.

[B]

Amazing.

[A]

She have good tits, right?

[B]

That is a sat. That is a crazy question to ask. And it's disrespectful to the people that come on this show, spilling their soul and their spirit. Did she have good tits?

[C]

They.

[M]

They let me keep the implants after they cremated her.

[B]

Whoa.

[C]

And you sent them up north? You fedexed them right up to Ottawa.

[E]

But.

[C]

So your. Your mom OD'd at like 60 years old?

[M]

She was like 40.

[G]

My.

[E]

My parents.

[C]

Wait, how old are you?

[M]

I'm 31.

[C]

And your mom's 9. When she gave birth to you.

[M]

She was like, 40 something. I had young, dumb parents. Yeah.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

Damn.

[N]

Yeah.

[C]

How she. Wait, how. How old was she?

[M]

She was like 46 or something.

[C]

Okay. And I guess you were probably 20.

[M]

26.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. All right, that makes sense.

[N]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[M]

She liked to party. She was fun. She was cool.

[C]

She did it.

[M]

She just partied a little.

[B]

Were her and your dad still together when this happened?

[M]

Oh, no, my dad was military. It was a whole.

[O]

It never.

[M]

It never works out, you know?

[B]

Right. That makes sense. Well, Lucas, very funny set. I loved it. Here's the big joke book.

[D]

Good luck.

[B]

Hell, yeah. On a very Latino episode indeed, we have our second Gonzalez of the night, our third Gonzalez on stage tonight. Make some noise for Matt Gonzalez, everybody.

[J]

What's up? I'm fat and I'm Mexican. My friends call me Ozemspic. Now, being Mexican, obviously, I grew up Catholic. Growing up Catholic, I'd always have, like, the old ladies at church. They'd be like, mijo, pinch my cheek. One of these days you're gonna grow up and you're gonna be a priest. I don't know how to tell him. I don't want to fuck kids. Like, that's not my journey. And that's definitely not my cross to bear. God's plan for me was to fuck, of age, white women.

[B]

And it's going pretty good.

[J]

I can't lie. It's going pretty good. I have a girlfriend. It's sick as fuck. She's white as hell. I give her a good dick, she gives me a green card. Thank you. That's my time.

[B]

All right. Matt Gonzalez. You've been on the show a couple times before, right?

[N]

Yes, sir.

[B]

Welcome back.

[J]

Thank you.

[B]

What's changed in your life since the last time you were on?

[J]

Last time I was on, I was trying to save money to, like, get out of the hammock, I want to say.

[B]

Yeah, you were sleeping in a hammock for how long?

[J]

Like a year and a half, two years.

[B]

Oh, God, that's so bad for your back. So where. Where are you? Still in the hammock?

[J]

No. I want to say through hard work and determination, you guys can own two hammocks.

[B]

You have a second hammock now?

[J]

No, this is a joke.

[B]

I got a bed.

[J]

I leveled up. Whole bed.

[B]

Regular bed. What size?

[K]

Full.

[B]

Wow, look at you. Totally split.

[J]

Skip the twin. Fuck the twin.

[B]

Skip the crib, too. Yeah, that counts. Incredible. Probably the first person out of the bucket tonight that has a full size bed. Incredible stuff. What do you do for Work, Matt.

[J]

I am a mechanical designer and shit with AutoCAD. It's kind of dom and gay.

[B]

Okay, cool. What do you do for fun?

[J]

I like to go fishing. I don't know. You go fishing? A little bit.

[B]

What else?

[L]

Golf.

[J]

I try to be white as hell, honestly.

[B]

Why?

[J]

So, you know, they don't deport me.

[B]

Why would you be deported? Weren't you born here?

[J]

Yeah, but I mean, I know what I look like.

[C]

Yeah, they get some mix ups every once in a while. Yeah, every once in a while. I just sent a guy from Maryland to Venezuela. He's like, oh, I play golf. I listen to Knock Loose. Do you like, like heavy metal? Are you a Mexican Goth as well?

[J]

No.

[C]

No, you're not?

[J]

I wish I was, dude.

[C]

No.

[B]

All right. What type of music are you into?

[J]

I listen to like, I don't know, I call it Desert Rock. You know, like, you guys are weird.

[C]

You guys, what's Desert Rock?

[J]

Desert Rock, you know, like shit you'd listen to and like, you know, fucking like, you know, like America. You know, it's like that one fucking horse song. Like I've been through the desert on a horse with no name.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[M]

Come on.

[J]

You know, don't act like I don't.

[D]

Wait, are you saying that the whole genre is just songs about the desert?

[L]

Yeah.

[D]

Name one other desert. Wrong song.

[J]

Oh, fucking Hotel California. I don't know.

[B]

Wow.

[D]

I don't know that there's a desert mentioned in that song.

[C]

Yeah, but I get it.

[I]

Yeah.

[J]

You know what I mean, right?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Are you trying to say that you like the Eagles?

[L]

Yes.

[P]

Yeah.

[K]

Yeah.

[B]

As you could on a dark desert highway.

[O]

Yes.

[B]

That is a lyric. It's literally. You like songs with the word desert in it? Yeah.

[J]

I thought it was dessert at first.

[B]

Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. Matt, what's the weirdest thing in your refrigerator right now?

[J]

Probably like. It's nothing really weird. I don't know, just like some empanadas or something.

[B]

Nah, there is. Think about it for a second. I'll give you a second to think about it. Think about the door. Perhaps a condiment. An odd thing.

[J]

I don't know. Like, I live with my. My grandpa and my brother.

[B]

Perfect.

[J]

So.

[B]

So what's in the fridge?

[J]

I don't know. I haven't gone in there. I. I know. They're in my bathroom though. There's some weird shit.

[B]

Like what?

[J]

I saw my roommates sex toy. It was like a little cock ring in the shower.

[D]

So you live with your. Live with your hermano and your puppy.

[C]

Wait Who's. Wait, it was a cock ring. I thought it was gonna be a Fleshlight or something. You found one of them?

[D]

A cold ring for the penis?

[B]

Yeah. You found your grandpa's cock ring in the shower? Yeah. Really? Did you ask him about it?

[J]

No, no, it was either my brother's or my grandpa's.

[E]

So.

[C]

How old's your Grandpa?

[J]

He's like 87.

[B]

What's his phone number?

[C]

It's like from the Titanic with the hawkering at the bottom of the seat. His.

[J]

His Social Security card was on like stone. All right. What the guys.

[C]

No, that's. They were right.

[B]

Yeah. That was crazy. Crazy to go from a ring to that.

[C]

They found a cock ring.

[J]

Yeah, it's. It was on my shampoo.

[B]

So let me ask you, man.

[C]

Wore it into the shower?

[J]

I don't know. I don't want to ask those questions, man.

[B]

What makes you think it was a ring? What is that even.

[J]

I mean, I know what they look like.

[B]

How. How do you know what they look like?

[J]

I got one myself. A matching.

[B]

You have a cock ring?

[J]

Yeah, I did. I did at one point.

[K]

Yeah.

[D]

That's crazy that you're not talking about with this, with the family. Cock rings are not so common that we not at all just all accidentally have a cock ring, you know, there's gotta be something deep in the blood calling out for this family that loves having a cock ring around the place. I've never used a cock ring once.

[C]

I've never seen it either.

[J]

You're missing out, honestly.

[D]

Who introduced rings to the family? Did a ring salesman come to the door?

[C]

Was there a little secret Santa at the house? Guys pass around, go, oh, well, you got me a cock ring. Thank you, dude.

[N]

Thank you.

[D]

You got me a ring last.

[B]

Wow. So I believe you said that you at one point you had a cock ring and now you no longer have one. What made you take your coffee to

[C]

cast it into the fire?

[D]

If you push your together, Shazam. Comes out of. Sorry.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

How many are in your house right now?

[D]

Planet jumping out at the family reunion.

[C]

Anyway, what made you your family? Your grandpa has that Michael Jordan photo, like six ring.

[P]

What.

[B]

What made. What made you take you're cockering out?

[J]

Oh, I had to throw it away, dude.

[B]

Why? I'm. I don't understand.

[J]

It was a little disgusting and a little too powerful.

[B]

So tell us what you mean by that.

[J]

Like, like it had like one of those like little like little pill shaped things on top of it. You know you.

[B]

No, we don't know you. You are a Cockering Master. You are the Frodo of Cockrings. You are the Lord of the Cock Cockerings. You are Johnny Cochrane. So tell us what you mean. Describe this.

[C]

The ring. Doesn't it.

[D]

That's not fit.

[C]

Yeah, it must be my grandpa's.

[J]

No. So it was, like, one of those rings that had, like, a small vibrator on it as well,

[C]

and you were just too good at sex? Is that what you're trying to say right now? No, I'm saying I need a shot.

[J]

I needed a little help. That's all I'm saying.

[C]

Look, we get. I didn't. Well, hold on. You gotta tell me about this thing. How powerful and good is it? Why shouldn't it be mine?

[B]

Now, Believe it or not, I actually didn't know what a ring was. It turns out I thought we were talking about a piercing of some kind the entire time.

[C]

Nuts.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

This is weirder than a piercing.

[B]

Now he has brought it up, and I'm realizing that a ring is actually the thing that you, like, strap around your balls and then the shaft of the base of the shaft of your penis. Is this correct?

[J]

I must be doing it wrong, then.

[C]

You've been wearing it on your hand.

[B]

How are you doing it? What are you talking about? What do you mean?

[J]

You just go around the shaft. That's what I thought.

[B]

You know, you just have one that squeezes around your shaft.

[J]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

To keep it hard. Is that.

[B]

Yeah. What do you use this for exactly?

[J]

Not really my stuff. It's, you know, it's got the vibrator on it. That's why I had it.

[B]

Okay, so you had. Well, something extra for the ladies.

[N]

Yes.

[B]

So you would put it around the shaft of your penis and then flip a switch.

[C]

No offense. Were you getting a lot of pussy?

[J]

No.

[C]

Okay. No offense. So the occasional. You'd get some. You'd go. Hold on one second. Go. Wait till you see this.

[J]

I had to, like. I had to turn it on first.

[C]

And how did these fat white women. How did they feel about it?

[E]

Don't.

[C]

That's.

[J]

That's mean and nasty. I don't like that.

[Q]

Dude.

[J]

My girlfriend's really nice.

[C]

No, no, no. I'm not saying her. I was saying the previous ones. When you have the ring, I would never disrespect.

[J]

Oh, yeah, those.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. Fat white. Yeah.

[N]

Yeah.

[B]

So, like, you would literally bust this thing out. Let's say you just met a girl and you're lucky enough to have her back to your place on your hammock or whatever. At the time, you would literally. I'm just trying to confirm our beliefs here. This was hammock days, right?

[J]

It was pre hammock days.

[B]

Pre hammock. What the were you sleeping on before? Newspapers. What's going on?

[J]

This is before I got evicted from the bed and then I got, you know, a hammock.

[B]

Okay, so you had a bed at the time in which you were turning. Flipping the switch.

[J]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. And so there were times in which it would be like a one night stand or whatever, someone that you just met. Okay. Now.

[P]

Yeah.

[J]

Correct.

[C]

Yeah, bro. That's nuts.

[B]

It's actually just above the nut.

[C]

Tony.

[B]

Hey, come on. That tickled. Stop that.

[C]

I did not tickle him. Did you ever did so in the. Was that was the shower in the morning when you saw the cock ring?

[J]

It was at night.

[C]

Okay. I wasn't sure if your grandpa passed out with a cock ring on. Still buzzing. And I got in the shower, I was like, oh, I forgot.

[B]

So one could assume that this was your grandpa's ring and that perhaps he was jerking off in the shower while simultaneously using the vibration while trying to hold out or something like that.

[J]

I mean, it's one of two people.

[B]

Okay. Right. So it's either the brother or your grandpa. It runs in the family. It's a lot like Teen Wolf. I don't know if you guys have seen Teen Wolf where my Michael J. Fox reveals to his father that he's been turning into a wolf. And the father shows him he indeed is also a wolf. This is a cockroach. It's in the bathroom. It is in the bathroom. It's a bathroom mirror. And it opens on the dads, who looks a lot like James McCann, by the way. The dad. Pull up the dad in Teen Wolf. It shockingly looks like James McCann.

[D]

I think it's beautiful that your granddaddy took that opportunity to hand the ring down to you.

[C]

I haven't look like dead

[B]

here. You got to just zoom in. Oh, you can't really, you gotta. Well, there's.

[C]

Well, it. You look like a hairy guy.

[B]

Yeah, that's what you look like. James.

[C]

Wait. Have you and your brother discussed Cockrans?

[J]

No.

[C]

That you guys have just both stumbled upon it equal? Like.

[J]

No, I don't. I don't bring it up. I don't say anything.

[B]

Do you have your brother. Do you have your brother's phone number? Can we call your brother right now? How many you think we should call his brother? We are in overtime in this interview. This has gone on way too long. I think it's time we solve problems. Because let me remind you, if the brother says that that's not his ring, that means it is the grandfather's cockring, ladies and gentlemen. And then we will have to call the grandfather. Can we get. Can we unlock Matt Gonzalez's phone, please? Oh, my God. All right, so here's what we're going to do, Matt. When you hit send on that, hand me the phone and I'll flip it on and you can put it on speaker because I have to put the. Put it to the base of the phone, much like a cock ring. Here we go.

[C]

We are calling from the bass down to the base of it.

[O]

Hello?

[B]

Hey, Sammy, how are you?

[C]

Good. What's up?

[B]

Good. I'm here with your brother. This is Kill Tony. You're on a live podcast right now. I just want to warn you. And your brother's crushing on stage. He's 14 minutes into an interview, and we have a crazy question to ask you. Okay. All right, go ahead. This is a lot like who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Phone a friend.

[C]

But was it A, your grandpa? B, yours?

[B]

So here is the situation, Sammy. Your brother Matt was in the shower recently, and we know that you live together with your grandpa. So can you hear me okay, Sammy?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay, here we go. There's a big question happening because we found out that your brother once owned a ring, and he had to. And. And then he. He threw it out. He no longer has the cock ring, and the other day he was in. It was. It was very recent, right? Yeah. Yes, the other day he was in the shower. So we are curious because it's either your ring that he found in the shower or it's your grandfather's ring. So that was definitely mine. Hold on, Sammy, we can't hear you. The crowd's going too crazy. Okay, what were you. What were you. Hold on. What were you just saying, Sammy? We haven't heard anything since you said it was yours. Go ahead. I was just wondering which one it was.

[D]

Oh, my God.

[B]

How many different ones do you have, Sam?

[D]

Me?

[B]

Well, there's one that just goes around everything.

[C]

There's one that just goes around the balls.

[B]

Holy. Which one? What? Matt, can. Matt, can you describe to your brother the cock ring that you saw?

[J]

It was black and it said ox balls on it.

[B]

Do you recall having one that's black that says ox balls on it? Yes, I do. Wow.

[E]

One of my favorite brands.

[B]

Now, Sammy, what was that doing in the shower? Sometimes you just gotta clean it off

[C]

with your body too wow.

[B]

You just shower together with everything on. Wow.

[D]

It's like when you got bathers after a chlorine pool. You gotta leave the cockroach.

[B]

And then, according to your brother, you decided to put your cockroach on his shampoo bottle. What was the purpose of that exactly?

[C]

I don't know.

[B]

Honestly, I didn't know that was his.

[E]

Maybe it's just to show dominance.

[C]

I don't know.

[B]

Wow. Sammy, thank you so much for answering these questions. The crowd loves you. Thank you for taking part. We'll talk to you soon, Sammy. Unbelievably entertaining. Cool, brother. Ladies and gentlemen, how about one more time for the Lord of the Cockrings? Matt Gonzalez, ladies and gentlemen. Here's the big joke book, buddy. Wrap your cockring around that when you get home. All right, everybody, your next bucket pool is one of our favorite co producers around here, someone that helps out with the show all the time. Make some noise for Dusty Carter, everybody. He's back. Dusty Carter.

[L]

After a bit of self reflection, turns out I too am racist. Because if you're not the human race, I don't like you. I don't like AI. I don't like robots. I don't like humanoids. I don't like cyborgs, Waymos, or Roombas. Basically, if you ain't got blood vessels, we ain't friends. What do I look like hanging out with a bunch of wired beans? If I want to be around a bunch of wired beans, I'd have kept cooking meth. Speaking of drugs, they've been talking about legalizing marijuana in America. And I've got one problem with that. This new generation will never understand the prohibition. They will never remember peeling apart Mexican brick weed. They won't know the frustration of sifting seeds for five minutes to roll a joint. They won't even know what it tastes like to smoke the resin out of your bong.

[B]

Cause that asshole won't answer his phone.

[L]

Other than that, I'm okay with it.

[J]

That's my time.

[B]

Dusty Carter, ladies and gentlemen. Did you say wired beans?

[L]

Wired beings, like Wynne's. Things that exist.

[B]

Got it.

[G]

Got it.

[B]

Wired beings. Got it. I couldn't hear that correctly. Fun set. Dusty, how's it going? How's it going?

[L]

Good, good. I had a blast at WrestleMania last weekend.

[B]

Hell, yeah. Hold on. I'm looking at this fat guy ducking to try. That's a. That's a fool. That's a. That's a lot of work, that guy. That's a lot of work.

[J]

That.

[L]

That stressed him out.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. No doubt about it. Yeah, WrestleMania was fun. We were there.

[J]

I almost.

[C]

I want you to know how hard it is to walk a fat guy.

[N]

Yeah.

[C]

Last thing he wants to do is leave. And your set made him go, all right, I've had enough.

[B]

Or it made him hungry. He may have heard wired beans. And he's like, I need some beans. Amazing. So, Dusty, tell us more about your life. You used to cook meth, right?

[L]

Yes.

[B]

Yes, I did.

[L]

I was an interest in being in myself in a former life.

[B]

You were a bean?

[L]

Yes. Not. Not the one in Chicago that you found out about recently.

[B]

I know nothing about the bean.

[L]

We talk about the meth stuff every time I'm on here, but we never talk about the fact that the only chocolate I eat has a pulse.

[B]

Really? Wow. Let's talk about that.

[L]

That I've been with a black woman for six years now.

[B]

The same black woman for six years? Yes. Wow. What that. What that be like?

[L]

Let's see, that. The reason I brought it up is you always ask that question. And these guys are always talking about the difference, the true difference between a black woman and a white woman. When a black woman buys you something, she expects you to wear it. And she will remind you every time you get ready to go out. Out that you should wear it. But she also reminds you if you entertain any compliments, you will be buried in the same thing.

[I]

Wow.

[L]

A white woman will buy you some. Never say nothing about it. Next thing you know, you wake up on snapped.

[B]

What do you mean? Unsnapped.

[L]

You know the show where white women kill their.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[L]

You just get.

[B]

Kid. They.

[L]

They trip.

[B]

Got it.

[D]

They trip.

[A]

Yeah.

[L]

White be crazy.

[C]

Well, you'll just be tripping.

[P]

Yeah.

[L]

But there's certain things you have to know when you're with a black woman. Like you have to know what setting spray is.

[B]

What's setting spray?

[L]

It's a special spray that the ladies use after they do their makeup. Kind of seals it up. Clear coat and a paint job, if you will.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[L]

It's very interesting because if they're not wearing it, you end up fucking looking like the love child of Jimmy Kimmel and Justin Trudeau.

[B]

Oh, blackface.

[C]

Yeah.

[L]

And when you're out in the public and you realize she's not wearing setting spray, the first thought you have is, is she trying to have me killed or canceled?

[B]

Damn. Very interesting. Where'd you meet this black woman at?

[L]

She was a military lady and we met on the Internet.

[B]

Okay. When? First date. What was that like?

[L]

Like we went To a comedy club.

[B]

Was that the first black woman that you've been with? No, sir. Okay. Wow, look at you. You ever wear a cock ring, Dusty?

[L]

Yes.

[B]

Wow. Look at this. We are the last to the cockering party. Shane, how about you?

[L]

I was back there listening, thinking I could explain this whole story. Grandpa can't keep it up. He wrapped it, but it turned out wasn't Grandpa.

[D]

How many members of the band are there? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. Who's used a cock ring? Just as a sample size.

[B]

I know you're Carlo Sosa over there. Definitely. Yeah. Hell, yeah. Of course he did.

[D]

This is more common than I expected. You never see a cock ring in a pornography.

[C]

You ever use a cock ring? No. Yeah. D Madness.

[B]

One. How many car. How many cock rings have you had, Carlos? Only one. And you still have it?

[D]

No.

[B]

Wow. You got rid of it?

[K]

Yeah, I guess. I don't remember what happened.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

This cop sit on the couch. What do you mean?

[L]

I think I lost mine in the divorce.

[B]

I don't remember.

[C]

Oh, shit.

[B]

All right, Dusty. Well, we love you, you fun times. There goes Dusty Carter, everybody. We'll see him again. All right, here's another bucket pool. This looks like an interesting one. Make some noise for James Swanson iii, everybody. Hell, yeah. Make some noise for James, everybody.

[K]

I recently got engaged to the woman of my dreams. Love is blind. And it is also 3ft 6 inches. I fell in love with the midget. I can only handle half of a woman's problems. When we go out on dates, I carry her in a front pack like a little baby kangaroo. We always get our 50% off discount and we only have short arguments. But the best part is my dick looks huge next to a midget. First time I've ever been in two hands at the same time. And I feel like a giant. Cause when I'm standing up giving her the money shot, she's standing up too. Like she's in the shower. We only got one problem, Austin. She's always trying to 69, but she can only 34.5. So while she's sucking my dick, I'm licking her kneecap.

[B]

Kneecaps.

[K]

Don't laugh. Like kneecaps is delicious. I just put a little honey on them. That's my time.

[B]

James Swanson iii.

[K]

Yes. The third.

[B]

Welcome.

[K]

Thank you.

[B]

Is this true? You're really with the Mitchet?

[D]

Yes.

[K]

I like shorter people than me.

[B]

Oh, my God. That is incredible. And very hard to find.

[K]

I know.

[B]

You do look like unsuccessful Kevin Hart heart.

[K]

Well, not after tonight, Tony.

[B]

That's right. The star is born. James Swanson iii. Yes.

[C]

And you're. You're currently. You're in love with a.

[K]

No, I just made the joke.

[C]

Oh, I wanted to sing. T Pain. I'm in love with her.

[B]

She's short and she's short.

[C]

That's good stuff.

[K]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Amazing. James Swanson III, how old are you?

[K]

I am 53.

[B]

How long you been doing stand up?

[K]

I started like I first touched the mic 2011, but I fell off. I got in and out of it, in and out of it. But I've been really serious about it the last three years.

[B]

Okay. You live here in Austin?

[K]

No, I'm traveling from Las Vegas.

[B]

You live in Vegas?

[J]

Yes.

[B]

What do you do in Vegas?

[K]

My Uber driver.

[B]

Why'd you smile and hesitate there for a second?

[K]

Because I quit a six figure job to follow my dream. So.

[B]

Wow. What was the amazing. What was the job that you quit?

[K]

I sold timeshare upgrades in Las Vegas.

[B]

Timeshare upgrades?

[N]

Yes.

[B]

Wow.

[K]

People actually like timeshare.

[D]

The crowd so fast. Everyone was like, he quit a six figure job. What a bald man on a dream. And then they're like, you sold timeshare? And they got. What a fucking piece of shit this guy is. I'm sorry, I've never heard.

[C]

I don't know what the fuck his problem is.

[I]

I don't know.

[K]

Me neither.

[C]

No. Mario. Fuck him up.

[B]

Teen Wolf. Dad looking ass. James Swanson iii. This is incredible. James Swanson III means that you knew your father. Right?

[K]

Right, I did.

[B]

And that your father knew his father.

[K]

Yes.

[B]

That is incredible. Three generations in a row. That's like a Powerball or something like that.

[K]

Yeah, that's the trifecta. Yeah, it's a trifecta.

[B]

Absolutely amazing. Do you have any kids, James?

[K]

I do not.

[B]

Okay. How have you gone avoiding that your whole life?

[K]

Well, I'm still a kid, so I love it. Kids can't raise kids.

[B]

Amazing, amazing. 53 year old child you are. What do you do that's so childlike? Like James just.

[K]

I just like to have fun.

[B]

Like what?

[K]

Well, recently I've been. I've been working out. I'm getting my together like the last three years. I don't smoke weed, I don't drink anymore. I go to the gym every day. I lost £84.

[A]

Wow.

[K]

Yeah.

[B]

Amazing. Red bands on pace to do that if he sticks with only sandwiches. Are you doing sandwiches? How did you lose your weight? What kind of diet did you do?

[K]

Well, I just had bad habits. I tried I drank a lot. I smoked weed. I ate, you know, ate after dark. Just 53 years old. You gotta get your shit together.

[B]

Yeah. Was there something that happened that made you have this great awakening?

[K]

I videotape everything I do on standup and I watched myself. And I really love comedy and I want to take it as far as it could go. And I was on a thin line of being laughed at or laughed with.

[B]

Right.

[K]

So that was it. I love comedy more than anything, so I gave all that up.

[B]

Amazing.

[K]

Yeah.

[B]

What did you replace it with? Just comedy. Is there any other vices or anything that you.

[K]

No, no, I go. Guilty pleasures I go to sometimes twice a day, but. And I drive Uber because, I mean, with the six figures and going to five figures, you just gotta work.

[B]

Right.

[K]

A lot harder.

[B]

What's the craziest thing in Vegas that's ever happened in your Uber? What's the wildest shit you've ever seen? That place is absolutely nuts.

[K]

Nuts. So I dodge all the nutty drivers. I drive half time in the morning and a little bit in the evening. But I had this. I swear to God, this lady was like a lunch teacher. I mean, a lunch lady lady. Yeah, in high school. But she had a hell of a night in Vegas and she got in my car. So I waited for like 10 or 15 minutes. She begged me to wait. She couldn't find where I was. At the Uber pickup.

[B]

Yeah.

[K]

And she finally was coming around the corner, her fucking shoe was hanging off her foot.

[B]

What time of the day is this?

[K]

This was 8 o' clock in the morning. So she had been in the. She was in the casino all fucking night?

[B]

Yep.

[K]

So shoes falling off, money's falling out of her purse. She jumps in my car and first thing she says is, you are the worst worst Uber driver ever. Oh, I told that she was the worst passenger to get the out of my car.

[B]

Yeah.

[K]

But she refused to get out of my car. I had to go get security and the police to get this chick out of my car.

[B]

I think I know the security guy. He ended up with her wallet that night. Amazing. Wow, James. So living in Vegas must be hard to avoid all of those temptations. Drink and smoking weed is legal there.

[K]

Yeah. You just gotta find something you love more than all that.

[B]

Is there a joke that you want to do that's not an imaginary related. I'm just curious because it seems like you really love doing this and you were just kind of one note tonight. I'm curious if there's something else that you might have up Your sleeve.

[K]

I got something on my sleeve. But it's longer than a minute, though.

[B]

Well, in that case, do you have anything short, quick, shorter than your 3 foot 6 imaginary girlfriend?

[K]

Let me see, what can I come up with? Damn, they longer than a minute? Everything is almost longer than a minute. Everything is longer than a minute. Can I get two minutes?

[B]

No, we can't do that. That's a whole different show.

[C]

That's tough though. I couldn't do that either. Somebody was like, tell me a joke. I would.

[K]

Well, I'm a storyteller. All my is stories. That's all I do.

[B]

All right, well, anything else crazy about your life we should know?

[K]

No. That you will see me. James Swanson will be coming to us your televisions very soon. I love it. I'm hilarious.

[C]

You're gonna steal these people's TVs?

[K]

Oh, yeah. Whatever it takes. Whatever it takes.

[B]

James Swanson iii. Here's a medium joke book for you. Come back, sign up again sometime. All right, let's get one last bucket pull up here tonight. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi? Sweat and bullets keeping these boys hydrated tonight. All right, you're final. Bucket pool of the night. This is definitely a new name, I do believe. Make some noise for Matt Worldly, everybody.

[N]

In high school, my art teacher was like, hey, does anybody in here know how to speak Arabic? And she was getting ready to train us for like a calligraphy lesson. And I was like, it. I'm like, yeah, yeah, I speak Arabic. She goes, go ahead, Matt, speak some Arabic for us. And I said, la, la la, la la. And everybody left in the classroom except for her. She was like, matt, that's rude. That's insensitive. Does anybody in here actually know how to speak some Arabic? And I was like, well, yeah, I do. And she was like, are you actually going to say something in Arabic this time? And I'm like, for sure. I said, but I just did. Wasn't cool. I'm like, not going to do it again. She goes, go ahead. And I said in perfect Arabic. I said. And she gasped. She was like, oh my God. She's like, that was beautiful. Do you know what it translates to? I said, hell yeah. I learned it from Call of Duty. It means we've got control of a hostage.

[J]

Okay, that's just.

[N]

True story, you guys. Thank you so much.

[B]

There you go.

[N]

Matt World.

[B]

Matt Worldley, everybody. Welcome to the show, Matt.

[N]

Thank you very much.

[B]

Amazing. How long you been doing stand up?

[N]

You know, I tried it like 15 years ago. Took a Big break. And now I've been at it for maybe two months now in Denver.

[B]

Okay. What made you want to start again two months ago in Denver?

[N]

You know, my dad came into town and I thought it would be a really cool bonding experience for us to like go out and do some stand up. So we did some stand up at the Lions Lair on Colfax.

[B]

Your dad did it too?

[N]

Yeah, he did. He did.

[B]

Was it his first time?

[N]

Pretty much. I mean. Yeah, it was. Yeah. It didn't go so good.

[B]

Wow. Did it go better for you?

[N]

A little bit, yeah.

[B]

Okay. Was he happy that he did it afterwards?

[N]

He did, he did. He just like, he took. He was too in his head about it because like before we were pre gaming watching Kill Tony because Lion's Lair is on Monday. So I'm like, dad, like, have some drinks. Like, come on, let's loosen up. He's like, no, I gotta stay focused for comedy. And I'm like, all right, all right.

[C]

Is your dad also a sinner's vampire?

[N]

No, he's like. He's like a three foot buff.

[C]

Oh, you better watch out. That black eyes are gonna eat your dad's

[B]

some. Matt, I'm. Yeah, I agree with Shane. You have a very interesting look. And you have pointy fingernails.

[D]

The nails. Can we talk about the nails?

[N]

Yes, thank you very much.

[C]

They're really up.

[D]

I thought you were playing. I thought you were like a guitar player. But then I looked at the other hand and it also had the big nails. What's.

[N]

No, no. Jesus just blessed me with like perfect nails.

[K]

Yeah.

[D]

Co head.

[C]

You think your fingernails are from God?

[N]

Yeah, yeah, for sure.

[C]

Can I see? Can you hold them up? So. Yeah, no, not to me.

[D]

Don't show them, show them.

[N]

Sorry, I mean, I mean, ladies, come on. Those are real fucking nails. I'm not playing around here. Thank you, Queen.

[B]

Wow.

[N]

Shit.

[B]

Wow. Amazing. It's like a. I just saw Ari

[N]

Maddie at Comedy Works last night. Okay, that was badass.

[B]

Yell. Hell yeah.

[C]

Why do you have the fingernails?

[N]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So never done coke. Not a coke guy, right? I just have. Naturally, my fingernails have grown kind of profusely and have been strong.

[D]

No, but hold on. You know that there's a device that you can use.

[N]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

That will make them shorter.

[N]

But I like it this way because it kind of plays into my Persona and my personality.

[C]

What is that?

[N]

Yeah, it's like what I would call like an alien wizard scientist.

[D]

Yeah, you look like the state of New Mexico in one person.

[B]

So an alien wizard scientist can you explain what you mean by that.

[N]

Sure, sure, sure. So alien wizard science is an art form that I invented, essentially, where I essentially, like, shine light through rotating glass.

[B]

Wow.

[D]

Excuse me, I have to go to the toilet.

[N]

Yeah, please do, Please do.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

So that, you know, that's. You know, that's.

[N]

You'd be surprised you're near one to talk.

[C]

I would be.

[D]

Oh, hell no.

[C]

Feels good, doesn't it?

[N]

Yeah, it does.

[B]

I'm sorry.

[C]

Oh, that's okay.

[N]

It's so good to meet you, bro.

[C]

Yeah, it's nice to meet you.

[N]

You're God.

[C]

It's all right. So you do wizardry through glass?

[N]

Yeah. So I have, like, this crazy laboratory in Denver, Colorado.

[B]

You have a lab?

[N]

I have a legit laboratory.

[C]

Make anything else?

[N]

There's, like, lights. There's, like, lights embedded in the floor. The floor is sound activated. And I conduct these crazy light experiments on my YouTube and I essentially manipulate light and then make music to it in real time.

[B]

You make.

[N]

Exactly.

[B]

You make music to that.

[C]

Is it dubstep?

[O]

So.

[N]

Not really.

[J]

No.

[C]

No, not really. But no,

[N]

no, no. No notes. It's like a very, very meditative experience.

[C]

Okay.

[N]

It kind of puts you in that, like, state of mind of tripping without tripping because it's like natural light refractions.

[C]

But then you could also trip and it would be better.

[N]

It would be so dope.

[D]

All right, what did I miss? What kind of wizard are you?

[N]

Alien wizard. Scientists.

[C]

Sick. Wow.

[B]

So other people go there and they do this, right? They trip. We have. We brought up your YouTube. Oh, fuck, yeah, dude, that's me. We are the fourth viewer on this video. I've never even seen that before. It's actually crazy that they let you know that there's been three views before this.

[A]

Even bots are like, oh, no.

[B]

What the fuck is this shit? This guy's like, fucking psycho. All right, so there is definitely a berry. How did you.

[N]

The shitty ass video Red band.

[B]

Come on.

[E]

Literally, your latest video, pick, like, number 27.

[N]

Pick that one right. Right above your finger there.

[A]

The one the most views, which is zero views.

[N]

Okay, thank you.

[C]

You didn't.

[B]

No, come on, go back. Let's see his most viewed do. The one with 61 views there. That one right there.

[N]

Okay. Nobody can see this. This must be so boring for you guys.

[C]

No, it's all right.

[B]

It's okay.

[C]

You can imagine exactly what.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[C]

It actually is pretty good. Like, production wise, you're doing pretty good stuff. Zero views is crazy.

[N]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Visually, it's very nice.

[B]

Visually, it's.

[N]

Yeah. Thank you. It's like a work in progress. I actually just started it.

[B]

So how did you come up with this idea? How did you realize this is something that you want to do?

[N]

Well, it was just been the series of like, you know, spiritual connection to like my art. And it's kind of brought me to this place. I've always been like a hypocrisy. I've always been like a, like it, like, like, like an innovator. Like I don't follow rules, I just do whatever the I want.

[B]

What, what's another instance where you innovated something?

[N]

So like, like for the past seven years, I've been a professional body painter. So I've, I've, I, I've, I've painted tits for seven years.

[C]

You painted tits for seven years?

[G]

Painted this.

[N]

That's what I've been doing for seven years, two days a week.

[D]

Do you ever accidentally scratch the women?

[N]

No.

[B]

No, no, no, no, no.

[G]

How about not good?

[C]

How about scratch yourself?

[N]

I'm not good. No.

[C]

Do you accidentally scratch yourself? Cuz I've done that one time.

[N]

Yeah, like in my sleep. Fucked myself up pretty bad. Yeah, right here.

[C]

Try to itch my belly. I just cut my chest. I got in the shower, I was like, oh, Tony.

[B]

Oh wow. Okay. This guy's hosting over here.

[C]

Yeah, Mike, he had enough of my belly story. He said, come on man, you're bombing back to my sculpture video or whatever.

[B]

So you, you're, you paint women? They just sign up for this? They pay you to do that?

[N]

Yeah, absolutely.

[B]

How much is does it cost for you to paint a woman's tail pets?

[N]

So like I have price range ranges from like 15 to like 35. And I walk around with like a lanyard and a tray.

[C]

15.

[N]

And I walk around this dope ass club and I just paint women all night.

[C]

I've been doing kids and buy a sandwich. 15 bucks.

[D]

That's a good idea.

[B]

You'll lose some weight. The sandwich diet. Red Band's famous sandwich diet. Have you ever painted a man before?

[N]

Oh, yeah, I paint men and women, but like I, you know, predominantly women.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you happen to mention painting, painting tits for seven years. How many dicks do you think you've painted?

[N]

Well, some people, people are like, you know, paint, paint a dick on my friend. I'm like, that's expensive. I don't want to, I don't want to paint dicks on people.

[C]

But how many dicks have you painted?

[N]

Has the dick like painted on an actual dick? Yeah, I haven't painted on any dicks.

[B]

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't get so defensive.

[N]

Sorry.

[C]

That's not very alien wizardry of you.

[B]

Yeah, sorry.

[N]

Peace be with you.

[B]

Yeah, dude, didn't mean to get all up in your fractals over there. Wow. All right. Matt Worldley.

[C]

Well, yeah, you rule. Yeah.

[B]

Here's a medium joke book. And there you go. There he goes. Matt Worldley, everybody. All right, that was a full episode. We have one regular, everybody. He is the newest regular here on Kill Tony and we absolutely love him. He's been on a terror. He's hilarious. Make some noise for him. This is a brand new minute from your newest regular, ladies and gentlemen. This is Pat o', Neill, everybody. Folks, my ex girlfriend, she would love it when I spit in her mouth. And my new girlfriend hates when I mention that. First time we hooked up I didn't have a condom. So I tells her, hey, you better not have herpes because then I will have double herpes. Last weekend she got so drunk she threw up on my cock. Yeah. So next time I'm just going to let her sleep. Telling that story last night and this woman in the crowd called me toxic. I was like, that's pretty rich coming from somebody that bleeds out of their goddamn crotch. Okay, that's enough for me. Thank you. Pat o' Neill has done it yet again. So funny. Amazing stuff, Pat. Thank you. Tony. You're a wild boy. Everything about you is hilarious, especially the way you look, the way you write and everything that you do, your delivery, everything. I absolutely Love it. James McCann, this is your first time seeing Pat?

[D]

Oh, it's the second I saw you just before I left town. And I'm so proud of the glow up. I'm so proud of where your career is going.

[B]

Thank you, James.

[D]

I can't believe you haven't had a haircut yet.

[B]

I'm really holding on to all of it.

[D]

I'm really. I'm really impressed.

[B]

Thank you.

[D]

I don't have anything nasty to say. Proud of you.

[B]

Hell yeah. Shane, this is your first time seeing Pat, right?

[C]

I don't think it is my first time. That was great.

[B]

Yeah, he was on the Netflix one.

[C]

Yeah, it was very funny.

[B]

Thank you. Thank you.

[E]

Yeah, it was great.

[C]

Could have done without the end.

[P]

Yeah, I kind of.

[B]

I lost the timing of it. I didn't want to just sign off on it.

[C]

Yeah, that's all right. But it was.

[D]

I like that one where you woke a sleeping woman up by shoving your penis down it throat, you know, because you're so charming. I didn't notice that what it was. That's what it was about. And then I thought about it later and I thought, I think he was mouth a sleeping woman. And I didn't know that could be so funny.

[C]

And you don't look like the type of guy that would do that.

[D]

You don't.

[C]

That's what's so fun. It's a nice misdirect because you seem like a classy, not rapist kind of.

[D]

You're a cruelty nocturnal mouth.

[B]

Pat o'. Neal.

[C]

Always mouth ratu. Thanks for laughing.

[A]

Are you dirty in bed?

[B]

Like, are you. Are you freaking the sheets? Are you a freak in the sheets pattern? Neil, this woman just goes, okay, Rip. Welcome to my world, lady. Not just missionary, you know what I mean? I don't give nearly. Yeah, I don't give nearly the.

[D]

None of that fancy stuff, brother.

[C]

No showboating north and south like a white man running the football.

[B]

Yes, sir. Yeah. Eye formation usri.

[C]

Yeah. Usa. Usa.

[B]

I love it. Pat, what's. You ever use any toys in the bedroom? You ever have a. You ever read a ring or anything like that? No. No. I don't give nearly the fingering that last guy does with those green claws. Yeah. Any woman ever do anything crazy in the bedroom that freaked you out? You had to stop it. Had to stop it down, full stop. It was like the tongue got a little too low. And I don't play. I don't play that funny business. I'm trying to get into the pearly gates. Yeah. Yeah, I bet you're right.

[C]

I mean, this guy's exactly right.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

No cock rings. No, dude, no.

[B]

Does the carpet match the drapes? Are your pubes longer on the sides than they are in the middle? Pat, Pat, you're the man. I love you closing out this show. Such great joke. You did it again. The great Pat o'. Neal. Guys, make some fucking noise. To the great Shane Gillis, everybody. We did it. The drawing from Ryan Je belt is in one more time for James McCann, everybody. Make sure you check out the roast of Kevin Hart Higher, season three. All the fun stuff is out there on Netflix. James McCanna's the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan podcast. So type that into your Google and find that it's available everywhere. Thank you to Quo Prize Pick Surf Shark and Cheers Health. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight. Over there. Oh, it's Shane. Hell, yeah. That's Shane in a flyer's hat. Did they win? The Flyers win?

[C]

Oh, Flyers lost. We got a series.

[B]

Damn.

[C]

Pittsburgh, the Penguins.

[B]

Well, I'm sure they'll close it out strong. Red band, San Diego.

[A]

I'm coming to the American Comedy Co with some friends.

[B]

American Comedy co.com We're going to Madison Square Garden, ladies and gentlemen, August 7th and 8th. And a lot of other fun stuff happening. So stay tuned for a lot of other fun announcements upcoming. We love you guys. Thank you so much, everybody. Good night. You can't reason with the sun.

[E]

Trust us. We've tried. This summer, it's time to put that angry ball of fire on mute.

[B]

Columbia's Omnishade technology is engineered to protect you from the sun's harsh rays that can burn and damage your skin.

[E]

The sun is relentless, but so is our gear. Level up your [e-mail] to spend more time outside and less time slathering on aloe lotion.

[B]

You're welcome, Columbia.

[E]

Engineered for whatever.