#780 - FLUFFY - HARLAND WILLIAMS - ADAM RAY (INTUIT DOME, LOS ANGELES CA)

Summary

Kill Tony #780 – FLUFFY – HARLAND WILLIAMS – ADAM RAY (INTUIT DOME, LOS ANGELES)

Recorded August 11, 2026

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Episode Overview

In a milestone arena episode, Kill Tony descends on the Intuit Dome in Los Angeles for a riotous, high-energy live show. Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban host an epic lineup including superstar guest Gabriel “Fluffy” Iglesias, hilarious wildman Harlan Williams, and a cavalcade of regulars, legends, roasters, and aspirational bucket-pull comedians. Roasts, crowd interactions, musical bits, and boundary-pushing stand-up fill a night that celebrates the Kill Tony format—spotlighting both comedy’s brightest talents and freshest dreamers—in front of 15,000+ raucous fans.

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Key Topics & Segments

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1. Opening & Arena Atmosphere

• [01:02] Tony Hinchcliffe: Kicks off with characteristic bravado—“Los Angeles, Califuckin Fornia. Who’s ready for the best night of their fucking lives?”
• The band gets a massive intro (feat. Teddy Swims, Jelly Roll, Nachos Belgrande), setting the musical, arena-sized tone.
• Hinchcliffe reflects on Kill Tony’s 13-year journey from a tiny LA room (“couldn’t even sell $5 tickets”) to tonight’s huge sold-out crowd.

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2. Rules & Show Structure

• [08:30] Explanation: 250+ comedians signed up to be drawn from the “bucket.” Each gets 60 seconds for a set, then immediate feedback/interview from the panel.
• Tonight debuts the “Legends Bucket” in LA, allowing all-stars and regulars to hit the stage alongside bucket hopefuls.

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3. Headliner Guests Introduction

• [04:51] Tony Hinchcliffe: Welcomes Gabriel Iglesias (“the biggest comedian in the world”) and Harlan Williams (“defending 2025 undisputed guest of the year”), teasing the possibility of surprises in the third seat.
• [06:30] Harlan Williams launches into bits about LA’s Latino audience and a joke “in Spanish,” immediately establishing his offbeat, absurdist energy.

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4. Notable Regular & Bucket Comedians

Dedrick Flynn [09:44]

• Opens with a strong set about preferring above-ground swimming pools (“If it’s safe, then it’s fun. I don’t fuck with inground swimming pools. No, I can’t swim. I can see you doing the math...They don’t got no respect for the non-swimmer.”)
• Jokes with panel about LA traffic and podcasts: “You could raise a family of four in the traffic while you wait. That’s why y’all started podcasts here — three hours in traffic just going down the street and back.”

Shay Freeman [15:36]

• Buckets jokes about living with Crouzon syndrome; “My face—people always ask me why does it look like that?... Both my parents are hot—mom’s a spicy Latina, dad is mom’s brother.”
• Earns praise for confidence and comedic control. Hinchcliffe offers him a guaranteed spot next time he’s in Austin: “You have been gifted with the face of a true comedian.” [17:38, Tony]

Jack Shaw [22:56]

• Mushrooms/trauma joke (“My girlfriend and I did mushrooms. She goes, Jack, my pussy feels crazy. And I said, me too...During the trip, I start writing about Epstein. You shouldn’t do drugs with me!”)
• Brings out LA-themed gag gifts for Tony, including a “Jewish wallet”—bit lands mildly (“This one was not great…”).

Chris Aguilar [27:13]

• JCPenney/mall security bit flops; panel heaps brutally honest feedback (“They didn’t like your punchlines, delivery, or setup.”)
• Tries to redeem with closer but is cut (“You gotta go, dude. You gotta go.” [31:36, Tony])

Damien Regal [38:52]

• Only his 2nd ever open mic; edgy lines about NFL trans athletes and wooden dildos (“Do you know how hard it is to carve a dildo out of wood? And why did she want me to stain it black?”)
• Panel impressed by confidence for a rookie. Fluffy: “If you said you’d been doing it a year, I would have believed you. Kudos, bro.” [42:40, Gabriel]

Poncho Molar [54:29]

• Jokes about being a little person married to a much taller woman (“My wife is taller than me on her knees!”)
• Shares fun facts: 12 pets, pro skateboarding, and “got jerked off in a taxi with Wee Man.”
• Earns big love for self-deprecating and playful energy.

Tony Scar [62:31]

• Performs a musical “American Dream Song.” Stumbles, but the panel encourages him: “No one knew you were messing up until you said you were.” Gets a surprise stage kiss from audience member (“Dude, I’m in love! My husband’s going to be pissed...”).
• Tony: “We’re watching you grow up in real time, blossoming.” [66:24]

Louis Ooze [77:30]

• Minneapolis-based Mexican comic; jokes about being called “a lesbian George Lopez,” and working in metrology.
• In a wild callback, invited to do a stage kiss with previous “kisser”—prompted into a funny/awkward makeout moment.

Mario Bosco [105:39]

• Sneaks from the audience onto stage. Stores a high-energy, rapid-fire set about his tiny stature (“ABC called—they want me as the next Bachelor. On Nickelodeon!”)
• Reveals rare disease ("pan hypopituitarism"), 53 years old, full career in comedy/acting (“I was born with a disease...Left me like this. And now I’m on Kill Tony!”).
• Huge panel admiration for his stagecraft and hustle: “In all these years, I don’t think we’ve had anyone successfully jump on stage from the crowd.” [110:23]

Greg "the Blind Man" Garcia [135:55]

• Blind for 14 years due to diabetes; jokes about weed, plungers, and “raising your hand for a blind man.”
• Has panel and crowd roaring (“What do you do for work, Greg?” “I drive for Uber.”).
• Heartwarming moment delivering a gift to D Madness, the show’s blind bassist. [142:44]

Martin Phillips [144:27]

• Golden ticket winner; self-aware, vulnerable, and surreal (movie pitch: “guy turns his cat into a hot chick, then debates fucking her…”).
• LA experience: “They towed my car. I scanned the app, assumed it meant free after 3pm, turns out it means towing…”

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5. Return of the Legends

Ron White [33:20]

• Emotional tribute to a comedian lost to suicide, then classic “Ron White” observational storytelling (“Had to move from Beverly Hills. Hated my neighbor’s wife...she accused me of stealing their newspaper...Lady, if you know anything about me, you know I don’t steal—and I don’t read a fuckin’ newspaper!”)
• Massive applause for wisdom and signature growl: “Let’s all have a good time tonight. Don’t forget to love each other.” [38:06]

Joe DeRosa [86:47]

• Confessional club tales—self-medicating heartbreak with strip clubs and massage parlors (“Hand job—happy ending...That’s half the thrill!”)
• Signature filth meets sharp construction; brings laughs dissecting menu choices, sex work, and American shame (“I don’t know why they call it a happy ending—nobody’s happy at the end, especially her!”)

Ari Matti [111:48]

• “Estonian Assassin” riffing on sobriety (“If you’re sober, just don’t come out. I don’t want you walking around remembering shit at my party—she’s making memories!”)
• Tells story of being in a hotel next to a porn shoot in LA—ends up “jacking off onto his own feet.” [120:14]
• Panel praises his relentless hustle and “Kobe” work ethic.

David Lucas [125:27]

• Returning Hall-of-Famer; merciless, crowd-pleasing set about “fat girl confidence” and “BBW” culture.
• Epic roast showdown with Harlan Williams (“Lift that thing up—I bet there’s a zebra on the back of your head.”/“I hear you’re in the new Star Wars—they created a new character, ‘Jabba the Pizza Hut.’” [133:04])
• Tony: “It’s like 145 punches landed for Harlan and like 14 for you. Nobody has the advantage on you except him.”

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6. Panel, Roasts, and Memorable Moments

• Panel Chemistry: Hinchcliffe, Redban, Fluffy, Harlan Williams, and more riff and destroy each other, plus crowd and comic participants.

• Self-Roasts: Tony does a “Tony vs. Tony” roast segment (46:33) with savage lines about himself and his own regulars (“Timmy has the enthusiasm of a child and the mustache of a guy who fucked that child…”).

  • Notable Quotes:
    • “Red Band has produced podcasts for me and Joe Rogan. Shame his body isn’t as good at producing insulin.” [48:33]
    • “Me and me—can’t wait to watch that go down.” [92:22, Harlan Williams]

• Roast Battles: Timmy No Breaks delivers a closing roast (“Pone is a queen. He looks like if a drag queen fucked a band queen in a Dairy Queen in Queens…” [152:11]), brings up “Kevin Hart” (played by Harlan), and Redban for a final rapid-fire roast cluster.

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Notable Quotes & Moments (With Timestamps)

• Tony Hinchcliffe: (01:02) “Los Angeles, Califuckin Fornia. Who’s ready for the best night of their fucking lives?”
• Gabriel Iglesias, on Dedrick Flynn: (14:15) “What’s not to like? He’s so funny.”
• Harlan Williams: (41:01) “For the COVID model for Just for Men hair color to come in here and blow this room apart—God bless you, you funny little freak.”
• Ron White, on suicide awareness: (33:24) “Remind everybody you never know when it’s going to be the last time you see someone. So never, ever hesitate to tell somebody…I’m gonna need that money.”
• Joe DeRosa, on happy endings: (89:00) “No matter which city I’m in, all massage parlors have the same menu: 30 minute or 60 minute massage. Both end with a hand job.”
• Ari Matti: (112:22) “If you’re sober, just don’t come out…Nobody remembers shit—who’s raping who, that’s what happened to P. Diddy…”
• David Lucas vs. Harlan Williams (Roast battle): (131:39) Harlan: “You’re the only guy in the world, for everyone else, that is a plaid shirt. For you, it’s a picnic blanket.”
• Tony Scar: (62:50) “It’s my dream to struggle to pull the mic…stand up at an arena.”
• Shay Freeman (on adversity): (17:01) “Super polished, very comfortable…thousands of people and you walked out like you’ve been doing this every day.” (Gabriel Iglesias to Shay)

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Unique/Highlight Segments

• Crowd Kisses: [67:51, 82:06] — Audience members invited up (multiple times!) for on-stage makeout moments with comedians, becoming viral fan interaction moments.
• Blind Comedian Gift Exchange: [142:44] — Greg the Blind Man brings a gift for D Madness, the show’s blind bassist: “I’d like to meet him eye-to-eye if I can.” They shake hands after the crowd helps them connect.
• Surprise Crowd Member Appearance: [105:39] — Mario Bosco, a 53-year-old comic/actor, sneaks from the audience to the stage and wins everyone over with killer energy and jokes about his rare disease.
• Abundant Roasting: From panel-to-panel, roast battles break out constantly, punctuated by especially sharp lines during feature sets and post-bucket interviews.

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Final Segments & Closing Celebration

• Timmy No Breaks Roast: [150:58–160:45] Closes the show with a “roast of Tony,” invites “Kevin Hart” (Harlan), Redban, and audience participation, ending with Tony’s own roast lines.
• Recognition and Farewells: Tony thanks all the regulars, panelists, guests, and crowd (“How loud can this place get?!”)
• Gabriel Iglesias’ closing note: [162:08] “In case you were wondering where I was, I walked the blind guy all the way to his car.”

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Conclusion

This episode shines as an all-encompassing spectacle: an arena-sized celebration of Kill Tony’s unique blend of comedy, raw risk, crowd chaos, and unfiltered roasts. Fluffy and Harlan Williams’ veteran presence mix beautifully with regulars, newcomers, musical moments, and heartwarming interludes. From fierce crowd work to touching stories of resilience, the show delivers a non-stop cavalcade of memorable moments—cementing Kill Tony as a comedy juggernaut in the city where it all began.

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Stay Gay, LA!

Transcript

[Brian Redban]

Hey, this is Redband and you are listening to Kill Tony. Find everything Tony Hinchcliff at his website, tonyhinchcliffe.com including all the latest tour dates for Tony and Kill Tony, Deathsquad tv. There you can find every past episode of Kill Tony. You can also find my cat, Bread seven and all the things I do at Deathsquad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill to Killed Tony.

Hey, this is Rayman coming to you live from the Intuit Dome here in beautiful Los Angeles, California, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchler,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Los Angeles, Califuckin Fornia. Who's ready for the best night of their fucking lives? Yippee. Next to the list for brian red dan, ladies and gentlemen.

[Audience Member]

Wow. Holy.

[Brian Redban]

Holy.

[Harlan Williams]

Huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God, guys. How loud can this place get? One more time for the best damn band in all the land. Teddy Swims and Jelly Roll and all the great musicians. The art has begun to flow with We Are Here. This is is indeed the number one live podcast in the world. It started here in Los Angeles 13 years ago in a room built for 65 people. We had 15 tickets that we didn't even sell. We couldn't even sell $5 tickets at the time. And here we are at the state

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

of the art fucking Intuit Dome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What an unbelievable honor. The American dream alive and right here with us two bozos.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Guy that hits an iPad with fart noises for a fucking living. Unbelievable.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Michael Gonzalez, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Tres Leches and Nachos Belgrande. The great Matt Muhling on the electric. John Dees on the keys. And believe it or not, that is the real deal. D Madness, ladies and gentlemen, live in the fl.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

made it all possible. And this is not a real commercial

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

break, everybody, but it is a chance for us to tell you. Try to control your booing.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

When it's a bucket pool, wait until

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

they really, really earn it. I know Arenas love you. Cowards that don't have the balls to sign up. Love ruining it for the courageous people that wait for hours out in the

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

blazing sun trying to chase their dreams. So at least give them a chance. Don't boo on the setup. You could boo at the end of the sixth seconds.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Deal? Deal.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I love you guys. Who's ready to start this fucking show, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, what can I say? We haven't, you know, a lot of people. I hear at these big arena shows, I hear from my team that some

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

people complain that we don't get enough bucket pools up, but they're not here, you know, they're not here with us. And I stocked this lineup with constant fun of your favorite comedians of the history of Kill, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're going to get through hopefully quite

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

a few bucket pools, but I just have a fucking unbelievable show for you guys. It's probably going to go a little long.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We started a little late. Tip the babysitter, extra money. You guys are with us tonight. Let's have some fucking fun. We made the long drive. We went through the fucking traffic.

[Brian Redban]

We're here. Let's fucking party.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, your first guest that I'm bringing to the stage is one of the all time greatest guests in the history of the show. He has the most watched Netflix special of the year. He is the biggest comedian in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Gabriel Ingles. And your second. Guess I wouldn't sit just yet. Your second guest is the reigning, defending 2025 undisputed guest of the year, Kill Tony legend, the one and only, Harlan William. Yes, literally, arguably the two greatest guests in the show's history. Back here for a big return to Los Angeles, California. We have a third empty seat. Who knows what could happen as this episode goes on?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Maybe I invite somebody over to join us.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But guys, welcome. How about one more time for Gabe Iglesias and Harlan Williams, everybody.

[Audience Member]

Los Angeles.

[Harlan Williams]

Hey, guys. It's great to be here in Los Angeles. And wow. I, I, I did something a little special for this one. T Bird. Oh, yeah, I know there's a lot of Latinos here in Los Angeles. Where are you? It's great

[Gabriel Iglesias]

they do speak English.

[Harlan Williams]

Why? See the city of anals. But you know what? I did Fluffy. As a little treat, I learned Spanish just because I knew there'd be a lot of Latinos here tonight. So I'd like to start the comedy off with a joke in Spanish.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah, I would love that. I think a lot of people out here want that.

[Harlan Williams]

All right, here we go. I gotta concentrate. Hang on. These three gringos walk into a bar and you won't understand the rest. He will, but not you.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Harlan Williams]

By the way, was it the beach today? I was at Santa Monica beach and I saw a sea turtle laying eggs on the sand. And I ran up with my camera and it was a homeless guy taking a shit in a hole. And I said, these three gringos walk into a bar.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

We're going to have some fun tonight.

[Brian Redban]

We are.

[Wesley Brenner]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's get the party started. No reason to hesitate. You're two of the most unbelievable guests ever. We have two buckets here tonight. The Legends Bucket has arrived for the first time time ever to Los Angeles, California. It has made four appearances in Madison Square Garden. One appearance at the Mamoudi center in Austin, Texas. It's its first time here in la.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Welcome to Legends Bucket, everybody. I think you're going to learn to love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Over 250 people signed up earlier for the show. If I pull one of their names

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up. When you're the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then. Or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Yeah, we're back where the actual bear is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's happy to get to be home and visit his family.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

When that bear happens, it rudely interrupts their set and then I conduct an interview. We talk to them, a lot of them. Obviously almost none of them have ever

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

performed in an arena this big.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

And that includes our regulars and golden ticket winners. Maybe not the Legends, but it's pretty much the greatest night of everybody's lives. So let's all enjoy it together.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The first guy I'm going to bring to the stage to get tonight's show started while we wrangle whoever this first bucket pool is, Ladies and gentlemen, is a regular on the show. He writes and performs a new minute every week. Not easy to do. He's here to do it again. Makes the noise for the former dark storm of Atlanta, Georgia and now the dark storm of Austin, Texas. The one and only Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen.

[Brian Redban]

What is up la?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh my God.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Guys, just follow your dreams and don't let people be mean to you. I had somebody tell me cuz I said, they said, what's your dream? I said I want the biggest above ground pool in the state of Texas. And then they said, Dedrick, above ground swimming pools are trash. No n they're safe. So if it's safe, then it's fun. I don't fuck with in ground swimming. Fuck in ground swimming pools. No, I can't swim. I can see you doing the math. They don't got no respect for the non swimmer. That shit go from 3 to 8ft way too swiftly. We playing Marco Polo all of a sudden ain't no more Deadrick. And if we being honest, if you google, search in ground swimming pools, nobody's in them during the summertime, nobody's having fun. There's no love there. They only build in ground swimming pools at they house so they can raise the property value for the divorce. But I dare you Google search any above ground swimming pool in this great nation. I guarantee you it's got too many niggas in there. It's got too many. They got a trampoline on one side and a basketball goal on the other side and a chubby nigga on the roof saying, watch this. And N. I'm watching. That's my time.

[Tony Scar]

I love y'.

[Louis Ooze]

All.

[Harlan Williams]

Boom.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Dedrick Flynn live in Los Angeles, California, in the Intuit Dome. How you feel, Dedrick?

[Brian Redban]

I feel fucking amazing.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Hell, yeah. We went from Teddy Swims to Teddy Can't Swims.

[Dedrick Flynn]

And that's my brother, too.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You know him.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I've known Teddy for almost 17, 18 years. Even before we was over there crying. I'm looking at his cute little fucking white pretty nails right now. Look at him.

[Louis Ooze]

Oh, my goodness.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Crying over there.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Hey, what you tell me? You said. You said Mimi at the top, baby.

[Brian Redban]

We here now.

[Ron White]

Oh, shit.

[Brian Redban]

We here now.

[Harlan Williams]

Teddy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Teddy is about.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Teddy's about 11 face tattoos away from doing blackface, by the way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How does that make you feel?

[Dedrick Flynn]

Well, he got a black voice, so we'll give him a pass.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

That is true. That man's got soul.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One more time for Teddy Swim.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Unbelievable. How's your trip to LA going? How are we feeling?

[Dedrick Flynn]

Man, I was good until I lost my phone in that Uber.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, yeah, you did?

[Dedrick Flynn]

I don't got no phone right now. And then it's impossible to, like, get help. I went to the Verizon people, I said, can I buy another phone? Yeah, but you don't need your card. I said, well, my phone's missing and my phone's on the card. And then he looked me dead in my face and he said, can you do Apple Pay? Nigga, I just told you I had no.

[Harlan Williams]

Dude, I got to tell you, if you lost your phone, just melt those teeth. You can make anything. And by the way, I got to tell you, man, I've never seen anyone wear coleslaw so nicely. Does that look like he's got coleslaw on?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, he's wearing coleslaw.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Dedrick Flynn]

You all right, Harlan?

[Harlan Williams]

All right.

[Jack Shaw]

I'm hungry.

[Harlan Williams]

Your pants.

[Dedrick Flynn]

These are just shorts. He got on shorts, too.

[Harlan Williams]

Shorts, too. Yeah, but yours don't look like coleslaw. Yours just look like shop.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Well, you can't wear.

[Dedrick Flynn]

You can't wear shorts, can you, Harlan? Because your Legs just look like machine mozzarella rolled around and lint and like that.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, really?

[Brian Redban]

Do it. Do it, Harlan.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

They're better.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is going on? Harlan Williams. Oh, my God.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's got a huge cock.

[Harlan Williams]

That's the microphone.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Harlan's packing over here. I looked.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I looked.

[Harlan Williams]

And that's just the profile.

[David Lucas]

That thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That thing's so big, we might let

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

it sit in this third seat for a second.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Might need a seat of its own. He's over there sitting on your lap,

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

cutting off the circulation of those mozzarella sticks.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

He got.

[Harlan Williams]

Anybody got an empty can of Pringles?

[Damien Regal]

Yeah,

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

two in the back. Gabe, you get to see another fun set from Dedrick. He killed it. Yeah.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

What's not to like? He's so funny.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I love it.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

What have you felt being out here in L. A versus being out in Texas doing the shows?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You said what now?

[Gabriel Iglesias]

What have you felt being out in LA versus being out where we've seen you in the past, Man. Moody center, or, you know, even Vegas.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I feel like you could raise a family of four in the traffic while you wait.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's like you.

[Dedrick Flynn]

You can get a girl pregnant, and then she'll wait nine months, had a baby. That nigga graduate in the car. So I get why y' all got a lot of great comedians. Y' all got time to write y' all jokes.

[Brian Redban]

Y' all got nothing to joke.

[Dedrick Flynn]

That's why y' all started podcasts here. Cause y' all had three hours in traffic just going down the street and back.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Dedrick, what a way to get tonight's show started. One of the best regulars.

[Brian Redban]

I love y' all so much. Thank y'. All.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Ladies and gentlemen, there you have it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It has begun. And now we go to the bucket, everybody. This is a real human being that's

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

been waiting for hours that had no

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

idea that they were going on stage.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

And here we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your first bucket pull of the night. Goes by the name of Shay Freeman. Everyone makes a noise for Shay.

[Shay Freeman]

Real quick. Before we get started, I just want to let you guys know you're not drunk. This is what my face actually looks. Okay. People ask me all the time, why. Why does it look like that? A few years ago, I got the Johnson and Johnson vaccine. That's what you're looking at. This is my fauci ouchie. That's what we call it at home. No, I was actually born like this. I was born. Both my parents are hot, actually. My mom is a spicy Latina. My father is my mom's. Brother. Still good looking guy. I was born with something called Crouzon syndrome. Not a lot of people know what that is. I don't even know what it is. When people ask me, I just tell them it's the brand of tequila my mom drank while she was pregnant with me. But she didn't have her first drink until after she saw what I look like.

[Wesley Brenner]

So.

[Shay Freeman]

Yeah. I recently just got married, actually, which is pretty cool.

[Wesley Brenner]

Yeah.

[Shay Freeman]

Thank you. Thank you. Shout out to the Make a Wish Foundation. Those guys are amazing. They make dreams come true. Did you know that? My name's Shay Remiga.

[Christina Mariani]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shay Freeman.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What a way to get the bucket started.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, my God.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

Dude, how long have you been doing standup?

[Shay Freeman]

Seven years.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

Seven years, man. It looks like you've been doing it much longer than.

[Shay Freeman]

Thank you.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

Super polished, very comfortable. You're in front of thousands of people and you walked out here like you've been doing this every day.

[Shay Freeman]

Yeah. No, thank you. Thank you so much.

[Ari Matti]

Very callous.

[Poncho Molar]

Hell yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

You're amazing. And I'm gonna save you a little money. Do you like a good deal? Do you like to save money?

[David Lucas]

What's that?

[Harlan Williams]

Do you like to save money, my guy?

[Shay Freeman]

Yeah, of course.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

I'm gonna save you some money on Ancestry.com. surprise. You're a pug.

[Shay Freeman]

Well, actually, my father was Sloth from the Goonies, so I do know who he was.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

This is incredible. Shay, you have been gifted with the face of a true comedian.

[Sponsor Voice]

A tr.

[Shay Freeman]

Yeah, You've been doing it for radio, but not a face. For the Jumbotron.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

It is incredible. You've been doing it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Seven years. All of it here in Los Angeles

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

or mostly under children's beds or. What?

[Shay Freeman]

The burn victims, really, they. They gravitate towards me. No. Yeah. Seven years. All of it here. I'm actually. I live in Las Vegas now, but I drove down here to do the show, man.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You made the drive just to sign

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

up and look how lucky you got.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Sponsor Voice]

Mike.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Goodness.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This lady you married. What the hell? What is going on? What is.

[Shay Freeman]

Well, she.

[Brian Redban]

She.

[Shay Freeman]

She's great, actually. She's smart, funny, beautiful. You guys wouldn't know her, she goes to another school, but she's fantastic. She. She's good lady. No, she. She's also a comedian, actually.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, awesome.

[Shay Freeman]

Yeah. Which is pretty cool.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I love it.

[Shay Freeman]

I love jokes a lot. She's from Spain.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Nice.

[Shay Freeman]

She has a funny accent, you know, it's great.

[Harlan Williams]

Can I ask a question, guy? Be honest. If a fly went by way up There. Would your tongue get it?

[Shay Freeman]

That's why my wife married me. So. Yes.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I love it. Shay, what do you do for work?

[Shay Freeman]

I do this mostly. I dedicate my time to going around and doing as many shows I can feature and stuff. And I write on the side. My wife makes most of the money, so, you know, I love it.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What does she do?

[Shay Freeman]

She's an actress.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, awesome.

[Shay Freeman]

Yeah, we do a lot of gigs and stuff. We're an entertainment couple.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I love it, man. I find you to be so funny and such a special treat. I'll tell you what, next time you come to Austin, no matter what Monday you pick, I'll automatically give you a spot.

[Brian Redban]

Thank you.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

On another show at on Hill.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony on a Monday.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Live from the comedy mothership.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about one more time for the kill Tony debut of Shea Freeman. Ladies and gentlemen, we are off and running.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

There goes Shay.

[Harlan Williams]

He was awesome.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Hell yeah. The lovely Heidi and Val have arrived, ladies and gentlemen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very nice to see them. After looking at Shea Freeman for five

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

minutes straight, I gotta tell you, get

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the blood circulating back to my lower

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

half a little bit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But the good news is you can always picture Shea Freeman. If you're ever about to come too

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

fast in bed, always remember, picture Shea Freeman.

[Harlan Williams]

Do people do that? Do they come too fast?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Sometimes?

[Harlan Williams]

Have you ever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

How? Like how fast?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Very, very fast.

[Harlan Williams]

Like in terms of seconds. How many seconds?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Man, there's been some times where it's been between five and ten seconds.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow. Dude, you're like the flash. Yeah, wow. How about you?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

As far as.

[Harlan Williams]

As far as. Have you ever come real fast?

[Gabriel Iglesias]

Daily.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay, how about you? What's the fastest you've ever come?

[Harlan Williams]

I don't know about coming, but I'm moving over into the next chair real fast. Now. You have your arm around me, so I'm moving.

[Sponsor Voice]

Hello there, my dear friends. You know, if you've been sitting on a business idea, Shopify makes it easy to turn that idea into something real. You know, when I launched the Kiltoni storefront, I was surprised by how much was already taken care of. I didn't need a bunch of different tools or complicated setup steps. Everything I needed to start selling was there from day one. Shopify checkout helped more people complete their purchases, and returning customers could check out even faster because their information was already saved. That friction free experience gave me confidence that the sales side was working the way it should. Once that foundation was in place, my focus shifted from building the store to actually growing the business. Instead of worrying about the technical side I could spend more time improving products, connecting with customers, and finding new ways to grow. You know, being creative, right? Bam.

[Brian Redban]

It's also reassuring knowing Shopify powers millions of businesses worldwide. From first time entrepreneurs to major brands.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The infrastructure is already there. You just bring the idea.

[Sponsor Voice]

That's right, Redban. I couldn't have said it better myself. With Shopify, nothing stands between your idea and a real business. So go make it one. Start your free trial at shopify.com killtony start your free trial at shopify dot

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

com killtony best thing that's ever happened to you, financially. Go easy.

[Carvana Advertiser]

Sold by car on Carvana. Amazing offer, really.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I hit 200 on a scratcher.

[Carvana Advertiser]

Did the scratcher come to your house and hand you a check?

[Wesley Brenner]

No.

[Carvana Advertiser]

How many scratchers did you hit to get that? I hit a button on Carvana.com once.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay, that's fair.

[Carvana Advertiser]

It's like the lottery, except you always win.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Not like the lottery at all, actually.

[Carvana Advertiser]

Exactly. Inexplicably good offers worth bragging about. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pickup fees may apply.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, let's keep this fun trade moving along.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

We have a golden ticket winner who

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

was born and raised in Los Angeles, California. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the return of Jack Shaw, everybody. Los Angeles.

[Jack Shaw]

Oh, my God, man. My girlfriend and I did mushrooms together pretty recently, you know? Oh, you guys like mushrooms? I fucking hated it. I had a horrible time. She was having a great time. I started panicking and she tried to calm me down. But the only thing I remember her saying to me was, Although there's another thing I remember too. At one point she goes, jack, my pussy feels crazy. And I said, me too. And then during the trip, I start writing about Epstein. I start journaling about Epstein. I'm such a bad hang. You should not do drugs with me. This is. I start writing about Epstein. But I did get something good out of it. I realized to me, the funniest part about the Epstein files is that when you log on to the library to look at the files, the first question it asks is, are you 18? And if you click no, you're in. Thank you, guys.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Jack Shaw doing it in his hometown. How do you feel, Jack?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is amazing.

[Jack Shaw]

This is so cool.

[Harlan Williams]

Holy.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I'm.

[Jack Shaw]

I'm actually having a bit of a panic attack right now, so. That's awesome.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I love it.

[Jack Shaw]

Holy. Okay.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I love it, Jack.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

The curiosity's killing me. What's in the bag?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, what's in the bag? What's in the fucking bag, Gabriel?

[Jack Shaw]

Okay. So I'm from la, right. And I wanted to bring you some gifts from Los Angeles, Tony. Would that be cool?

[Poncho Molar]

Would you?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Absolutely. I lived here for almost 20 years, but sure, yeah. Give me some gifts from LA.

[Jack Shaw]

Well, you gave me a golden ticket, so I wanted to get you a Pray the Gayaway camp ticket. And so I made you something important. This first one. This first one. One's an anal chastity belt. Let me get it out really quick. Can we play some music?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I don't think you're supposed to say what it is before giving it, but.

[Mario Bosco]

Okay.

[Jack Shaw]

We'll play some music while I get it out.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

All right. Is it a menorah with dildos instead of candles? All right, here we go. This is a real live show, everybody.

[Jack Shaw]

Okay.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

All right, all right, all right.

[Jack Shaw]

Okay, bear with me, bear with me. This first one, if you. You can put it on and you

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

turn around, it says, oh, my goodness. Wow.

[Jack Shaw]

And since we're in Hollywood, you can have a little fun with it, dude. You can have it. A little fun.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

So you got a little. You've heard a Carrot Top. This is Yarmulke Top, everybody. Okay. All right.

[Jack Shaw]

Okay, I got two more. Don't worry, we'll get out of here. Don't worry.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay.

[Ron White]

All right.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Here he is, taking up a lot of real estate like a typical Jew.

[Jack Shaw]

Okay. All right. All right. So this next one I got for you. I got for you in. You know, surfing's big in Los Angeles, so I got you this from West Hollywood. This is a boogie board from West Hollywood.

[David Lucas]

Okay.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

It's another.

[Jack Shaw]

Okay, It's a boogie board, dude.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay, okay. All right, all right, let's do the third one.

[Harlan Williams]

Dude, I gotta tell you, if this doesn't work out the way you're dressed, you could get a job at any. Any funeral.

[Jack Shaw]

We'll get out of here on this one. We'll get out of here on this one. This one I got from you for you from my synagogue. This is a Jewish wallet. So on one side you can have the media, and on the other, the World Bank.

[Audience Member]

Wow.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Incredible.

[Jack Shaw]

Okay, this was not great. All right, thank you guys so much.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

One more time for Jack Shaw, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So Jewish that he literally just bought

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

bombed civilians here at the intuit, though. The only guy that I think brought family out tonight just bombed live on this show, everybody. It's incredible. How about a hand for the Latino man mopping? Absolutely nothing. It's a man with a mop standing out in front of 15,000 people doing nothing at all whatsoever. Very excited.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Chris Aguilar.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Everybody, here comes Chris Aguilar.

[Chris Aguilar]

Thank you. I went to JCPenney the other day, guys. Nobody shops there anymore. It's all just Mexicans. I went to the front entrance and they had a 12 year old chubby boy guarding the entrance. Now hear me out,

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Hear me out.

[Chris Aguilar]

I went up to the boy. Hold on. I went up to the boy and asked him, aren't you a little too young to be working here? And he said, mind your own business, playboy. I was like, okay, apologize.

[Harlan Williams]

So I.

[Chris Aguilar]

So I went up to him and apologized. Wow, this is going a lot worse than I thought.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

All right, are you done?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Okay.

[Louis Ooze]

All right.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Chris, how long you been attempting stand up comedy? Chris.

[Mario Bosco]

Chris.

[Chris Aguilar]

I'm sorry.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

How long have you been doing comedy?

[Chris Aguilar]

A year.

[Sponsor Voice]

A year?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Where at?

[Chris Aguilar]

San Diego, California.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay. What do you think happened tonight? They don't like you. They don't like San Diego.

[Chris Aguilar]

They don't like JCPenney either.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

They don't like JCPenney. They didn't like your setup. They didn't like your punchlines. They didn't like the fact that you pranced out here like a little reindeer real quick. That was kind of weird. They don't like your delivery. Tell them something that's gonna make you like them. You're here in the heart of Los Angeles. You're right by the airport.

[Chris Aguilar]

Well, it might come as to a surprise to you, but I'm actually gonna be moving here in a couple months to pursue comedy full time.

[Wesley Brenner]

I know.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow.

[Ron White]

Sorry.

[Harlan Williams]

If you've ever wondered what it's like to do comedy in a haunted house, this is the most booze you're ever going to hear.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you gay, Chris?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I'm getting a little gay vibe from you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You gay?

[Harlan Williams]

What?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Are you gay?

[Chris Aguilar]

No.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, I'm in a relationship.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Am I that gay?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I'm not that gay. Right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That he's more gay than me.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Right. Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Chris, I'm trying everything here before let's letting you go. I'm trying everything for you to get

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

one pop, to get the crowd to like you one time. Is there something about you, Chris, that you think the people of Los Angeles would love to know about you?

[Chris Aguilar]

Yeah. Sometimes I'll go to gay bars just to see if guys hit on me.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Hold on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I asked if you're gay, you said

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

no, but I'm not.

[Chris Aguilar]

I'm not gay. You know, I'm just, you know, I go just to see if I get, you know, Just get my spirits up a little bit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, you go to gay bars to see if gay guys will hit on you. Taking an opportunity from an actual gay man, much like you did signing up for the Bucket tonight, taking an opportunity away from a comedian.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

And either way, it's nice to get

[Chris Aguilar]

a compliment everyone once in a while.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

At least Red band got rid of

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

his one fart noise already.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

Can ask him something.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Gabriel Iglesias.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

Okay, brother, you've been doing this for about a year, right?

[Chris Aguilar]

Correct.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

You've been doing this for about a year?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

A year, yeah.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

Okay, how many shows do you think you've done? How many performances?

[Chris Aguilar]

I. I perform, like, two or three times a week.

[Louis Ooze]

Okay.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

The question I asked. I want to ask is, what is the funniest closer? What's the way that you get off stage every night when you perform that makes you go, you know what? I'm funny enough to be on Kill Tony. What's that Closer joke?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Give us the one joke right now.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

The one joke that you're like, this is what I close on your best joke right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're giving him one chance.

[Chris Aguilar]

All right, so I saw in the news that San Diego police department is going to start using ketamine darts on wild animals that roam populated areas. Have you guys heard about this?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You can't. You can't ask questions like that. You gotta go, dude. You gotta go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're leaving.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Go ahead.

[Sponsor Voice]

Jesus.

[Chris Aguilar]

If anyone finds a realistic bear costume, please come find me. I'll be outside.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

All right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Chris.

[Harlan Williams]

I think there'll be a realistic bear costume at that gay bar you're having hanging out at.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here's a little joke Bug and man, I forgot to give. I forgot to give the face guy real joke book.

[Harlan Williams]

Wait, the what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Face guy. That was face. There he goes. Chris.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, I thought you meant elevator door face, Pug.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys remember when the guy with

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

the crazy face was up here and

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

then Heidi and Val came up and,

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

like, it was all hot and fun again?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm about to do that with comedy right now. I'm going to the legends bucket, everybody. We're gonna stage this room of Chris Aguiare's set. Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the reason why so many of us ended up in Austin, Texas. He convinced Rogan. He convinced a lot of people. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the greatest comedians of all time. This is Kill Tony. Legend, comedy legend. One of my best friends, the one and only Ron White.

[Ron White]

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. I know, we're having a really good time tonight, but I. I'm going to start with this. We just had to bury one of our comedy brothers who took his own life two weeks ago. And I would like to remind everybody that you never know when it's going to be the last time you see someone. So never, ever hesitate to tell somebody. I'm going to need that money. I. Netflix festival, man. How great, right? I think they added some categories to the warnings on Netflix films to make them seem more interesting. I was watching a movie the other night, the warning was this long, had categories I'd never heard of. It said, warning, violence, gore, adult situations, nudity, sexual situations, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, smoking. I'm like, am I in this? You know, during the. During the pandemic. I know on Netflix they had that one button that said, surprise me. And I never pushed it because I just don't trust those motherfuckers, you know? And I. And eventually I watched everything on television on Netflix there was to watch. I was just staring at that thing and I. Eventually I pushed it and it was my parents fucking. And I gotta tell you, I was surprised. I was. Where did you get this footage? So I lived here for years. I lived in Beverly Hills and moved to Austin. And what spurred the move on was I hated my neighbor's wife. And that's the worst thing you could have is a bad neighbor. You have to move. You can't kill them. I looked it up and we lived on a cliff with views from downtown LA all the way to the ocean. And I spoke to this woman twice in three years. Both times ridiculously unpleasant. The first time, she accused me of stealing their. Of stealing their newspaper.

[Dedrick Flynn]

And.

[Ron White]

And she was really shitty about it. We had the company and she banged on the door. You stole our newspaper. You know you did. You've done it before and blah, blah, blah, blah or whatever she said. And I said, lady, if you know anything about me, you know I don't steal and I don't read a fucking newspaper. And I slammed the door in her face. Now I totally stole their newspaper. And they had footage from their security camera they were able to send to my phone. I don't how they did that, but I'm like, yeah, it looks like me and my robe walking over to your house. That's your driveway bending over. Those are my balls picking up a newspaper. You could be on to something sleuthy. But I still thought it was shitty over to bring it up in public. The second time was just a little while back. I bought some new patio furniture. And the new patio furniture had an umbrella that was blocking her view of Century City. And she came over to my house with steam just shooting out of her stupid little fucking ears. And she bangs on the door, and she goes, you got to move that umbrella. You got to move it now. You're blocking my view of Century City. It makes my house worth less money. I can call the police now. Move that umbrella and move it now.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

So she talked.

[Ron White]

Move it now. Now. I gotta tell you, if she would have asked me nice to move it, I probably would have done it. Cause I like to be a good neighbor. And I really wasn't sold on the umbrella one way or the other. But now, ooh, I love it.

[Martin Phillips]

It.

[Ron White]

I do. And my favorite thing about it is where it is. And that's where it will always be. Until the bigger one I ordered on Amazon prime gets there on Tuesday. And I will essentially be able to block the sun from her home. She will no longer be able to grow vegetables, and her entire family will die of scurvy. Thank you. What I hate about myself is when I get into a verbal altercation with somebody, I just get vicious, and I don't even know why. And sometimes it's like I'm watching myself doing it. Ron, you really think they deserve this? I'm like, you go get them, cowboy. And that's what happened to this lady. She's walking away, and she goes, I'm gonna tell my husband.

[Brian Redban]

You said I was a. And I said, he knows.

[Ron White]

Thanks for playing along. Let's all have a good time tonight. Don't forget to love each other.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Hell, yeah.

[Ron White]

Kill Tony's ruling the roost over here. We're not leaving a stone unturned. We're gonna find the best, funniest person in this planet, and we're gonna have him on this stage. Thank you to you guys. Thanks a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One more time for the great Ron White, everybody.

[Audience Member]

Come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A bucket pool has to follow that.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to meet them all together. Make some noise. For bucket pool number three, it's Damien Regal. Damien Regal.

[Damien Regal]

I think all female turned male transgenders should have to play year of football in the NFL not to prove that men are stronger than women, but so that scientists can study a brain that's been damaged twice. My girlfriend and I have been going plastic free lately. Do you know how hard it is to carve a dildo out of wood? And why did she want me to stain it black? We did try it once, but I got splinters in my ass. My girlfriend and I have been in an open relationship for the last six months. I just haven't told her yet. I'm afraid to tell her because dating again is hard for a guy that's five nine. You know, honestly, the hardest part about about being five nine is having a big dick. I never get to use it. She did find out though, when we broke up. Now the only time I touch women is when I titty strippers and hug my mom.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damien Regal.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Welcome.

[Damien Regal]

Damien Regal.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Damien Regal.

[Damien Regal]

Thank you.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

You made him sound international. The way you said it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's spelled differently.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

It's R I G E L, R

[Damien Regal]

I, R I, G, O, L. Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay.

[Sponsor Voice]

Welcome.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

How long you been doing stand up?

[Damien Regal]

This is my second mic.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What made you want to sign up for this in front of 15,000 people?

[Damien Regal]

I've been watching your show since the Vulcan gas company days and I just really love it.

[Wesley Brenner]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Hell yeah. Shout out Vulcan. It's where we built a fucking little empire in Austin, Texas, while waiting for the mothership to be built. And after Real Shitty club in Austin

[Sponsor Voice]

decided that we were too racist for them.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Bunch of pussies. But anyway, Balkan's the shit. You are correct. Where was the other open mic at that you tried?

[Damien Regal]

It was in Seattle. And that transgender joke got booed so hard.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I bet Seattle. Seattle's a real dumb. Let's check in with Harlan Williams.

[Harlan Williams]

You know what I love about comedy, Tony? You just never know who's going to do it. Like anyone from any walk of life could do stand up comedy. And for the COVID model for Just for Men, Hair color to come in here and blow this room apart. God bless you, you funny little freak.

[Audience Member]

From.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I must say, it looks so natural that no one can tell. Just for Men gel.

[Damien Regal]

A guy in the back asks if you start in that Elton John biopic.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, yeah.

[Damien Regal]

And I told him no.

[Ron White]

Okay.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

It is your second mic.

[Ron White]

Good job.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Damian. Welcome.

[Harlan Williams]

Stick to material. Stick to material, you bearded freak.

[Sponsor Voice]

Welcome.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay, I'm changing it from Just for men to isis. How about that?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You look good. Damian, what do you do for a living?

[Damien Regal]

I'm a certified public accountant. I do tax returns for a living.

[Audience Member]

Wow.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Wow. Oh, this is. This is South Los Angeles. They do not believe in pay paying taxes here.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, you're an accountant. Can I ask you a math question?

[Damien Regal]

Sure.

[Harlan Williams]

Why don't they just call 711 stores? 18.

[Damien Regal]

I don't know.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

I don't know.

[Harlan Williams]

You're not an accountant. You're a model. You're a model for beard color and hair color. When I get home, I'm gonna slap my sister's giant fat face. Just because you were born, that's.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You're causing a lot of trouble here, Damien.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

I gotta say, I'm thoroughly impressed at the fact. If you would have said. I've been doing this for a year. I thought your confidence, the way you came out, the way you present, you had to follow Ron White.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

And for doing this two times, thank you. I wasn't that funny.

[Damien Regal]

Yeah.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

It took me a long time to have that kind of confidence and that poise and so kudos to you, bro.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

There's a little gay guy that's been doing it for a year in San Diego. He bombed his ass off up here earlier. First, a second mic. You're absolutely crushed, buddy. And for that, you will redband I.

[Damien Regal]

I did write a. A Kill Tony song. I don't know if you want to hear it. It's a rap song, but I don't.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I don't believe in letting accountants do rap songs.

[Audience Member]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red band. You said you painted wood for your

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

girlfriend like black dildo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Isn't there a lot of black wood in Malibu right now? Like you could have.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

That's what happens when Red band talks, everybody. Wow, look at that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can't quite hear you. What's that noise you're making for Red Band?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

There you go. You deserve it, buddy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Even though it's your second time and you started strong and it flailed out

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

at the end because it's such a good second time, you're getting a big joke. But congratulations.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

His second time ever on a stage in front of 15,000 people.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

That can only happen on Kill Tony, by the way.

[Harlan Williams]

Hello.

[Sponsor Voice]

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[Shay Freeman]

Hello.

[Sponsor Voice]

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[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Red band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just like physical fitness requires regular exercise,

[Brian Redban]

mental health demands ongoing care.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know how easy it is to

[Brian Redban]

put self care on the back burner. But taking this step makes a massive difference. Better mental health directly supports physical vitality, builds self awareness, and improves daily stress management.

[Sponsor Voice]

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[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But you know what? We could go to the next bucket

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

pool, but I got a little itch. I'm in the mood to go back to the Legends bucket again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know why this early in the show. I probably shouldn't.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

It's probably a mistake on my part, but. Oh, all right. So somebody's pranking me. Obviously. This can't be real. What a joke. Very funny, guys. This is hilarious, but I'll. I'll say the name anyway because it's in the bucket. Make some noise for Tony Hinchcliffe, everybody. Who's ready for the best night of their lives?

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Oh, my God. What's up? One more time for the best goddamn band in the. You know, Kale, Tony just signed a huge deal with Fox. Yeah, the show is in great hands until 2028 when we lose all our regulars to the Special Olympics. Hey, what's the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? A zit will wait till you're 12 before it comes on your face. Guys, want to hear some jokes on my favorite KT regulars? Dedrick Flynn moved from the ATL to the atx, but he's most comfortable when he's robbing white women at an atm. Black. You know, Dedrick is one of my best regulars. We gave him a regular spot after his first minute, and then I realized it was his only good minute. He's like Scam Patterson. Black. Dedrick is from Atlanta, which is why he looks like Andre. $3,000 in overdraft fees. Dedrick is from Georgia, like Ray Charles. You know what else he has in common with Ray Charles? Neither of them have seen Dedrick's father. I'm kidding. Dedrick's father is dead. He was going to get him cremated, but the funeral home said he was already ashy enough. All right, that was Chatgpt wrote that Black Dedrick's been inside more fat white women than Ozempic. Dedrick is from Atlanta. He was conceived when his mom let 10 guys run a midnight train in Georgia. Timmy no brakes. Keep it going for Timmy motherfucking no brakes. I love Timmy, AKA Andrew Dice Gay. Timmy is the first guy to become a Kill Tony regular by pretending to be retarded. Timmy has the enthusiasm of a child and the mustache of a guy who fucked that child. Timmy wears aviator sunglasses just like Joe Biden because they're both brain dead morons that everyone likes to laugh at. Unlike me and Donald Trump, who are both cool, strong alpha males that definitely like to have sex with women.

[Mario Bosco]

Oh.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Oh my God. Newsflash, Timmy. If I wanted to see a bad comedian succeed with a stupid fake character, I'd call Adam Ray. Timmy looks like he has Freddie Mercury poisoning. Brian Redband is here. Keep it going for Brian motherfucking Redban the peanut butter to my jelly. Brian, if you're here, who's down at the body shop asking the strippers if they want to do a set on the secret show? Red Band is like the Harvey Weinstein of the open mic scene, except instead of a potted plant, he jerks off into a pot pie. Fat Red Band loves AI. It looks like he was generated by Chat Pig. Red Band has produced podcasts for me and Joe Rogan. It's a shame his body isn't as good at producing insulin. Red Band's vibe can best be described as the one guy who comments on pornhub videos. Ari Matty looks like every guy Bruce Willis killed in the Die Hard movies. Ari used to do MMA and went 03. Do you know how bad you have to be at fighting to go03 in Estonia? That's like being a black guy and losing a big dick contest in Hong Kong. Sorry, I forgot my next joke. I started talking about big dicks and got distracted. And now we get to the man of the hour, the greatest roaster of all time, Me. What can you say about me that hasn't also been said about Jesus? Mainly that he's a little twink who will get voluntarily nailed by 12 guys. We're really doing it. Fifteen years ago, I declared myself one of the top young rising comedians in the world. But no matter how much I rise, I'm still at bottom. Tony, if we're here, who's haunting an abandoned carnival? I look like a vampire who only bites people with aids. Look at this. Two Tonys. Now I can finally live my dream of having sex with myself. Every time I fuck a guy, I start off by saying, oh, my God, we're really doing it. Red Band, thank you so much, Los Angeles.

[Audience Member]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, it simply doesn't get any better than that. My favorite comedian of all time. One more time for me. I'll tell you what.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Me. Why don't you join the panel, Cuz

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

there's no one I'd rather have than me up here.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, my God. Wow. We're really doing it, Tony. It's so good to have me up here tonight.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Keep it going for the lovely Heidi, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

The lovely Heidi.

[Audience Member]

Perfect.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

My cigarettes. I'm so good at smoking these. Thanks, Heidi. Oh, it's not Heidi.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Part of being me is having a man put things, attach things to your body.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Perfect.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

How about one more time for me, everyone? Well, I'm glad I'm here to enjoy the show with me. Let's get to our next bucket pool, shall we? Bucket pool number four. I'm so excited you're here. How about one more time for Tony Hinchcliffe? Ladies and gentlemen, United States of America.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

And God bless kill Tony.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

That's true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some noise for your next bucket pool. We're all together. The panel is complete. And now we all see for the

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

first time the comedy stylings of Poncho Molar, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here we go.

[Poncho Molar]

Every time I grab this microphone, I feel like I'm giving Lebron James a hand job. Any married couples in there? Out here? Nice. Nice. Me too. Yeah, I'm happily married 10 years now to a tall woman. So you could clap for her

[Damien Regal]

because

[Poncho Molar]

she definitely did it to disappoint her father. He was expecting Prince Charming and he got me. Or as my mother in law says,

[Martin Phillips]

the handsome one of the bunch.

[Poncho Molar]

And she's totally right because the other six are hideous. But my wife is smart, funny, beautiful, fantastic tits. They're my best friends. And there's questions that come when you're married to a taller woman, like Pancho. Dude, are you cool with her wearing heels? Absolutely. Why? Well, because it makes her even taller. I'm like, dude, my wife is taller than me when she's on her knees. All the heels do is just make it easier for me to eat her box standing. And I'm really good at it. Most of you guys call it going down on a chair. I just call it motorboating.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

All right, I got to cut you up there, Poncho. That's all we got.

[Wesley Brenner]

Perfect.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Welcome, Poncho.

[Poncho Molar]

Thank you.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You are absolutely adorable.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

Thank you.

[Poncho Molar]

And so are you, Tony.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Thank you, buddy. How long you been Tony?

[Poncho Molar]

Both, man.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

How long you been doing standup?

[Poncho Molar]

5 and a half years.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

What about on your people's Years.

[Poncho Molar]

That's ten and a half years.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What do you do for work, Poncho?

[Poncho Molar]

I. I'm a stay at home Dad. I have 12 animals and I just get an allowance from my wife because I got it like that.

[Sponsor Voice]

What does your wife do for work?

[Poncho Molar]

She works in pharmaceuticals.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Wow. Okay. All right.

[Sponsor Voice]

And what do you have?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

12 different animals?

[Poncho Molar]

Yeah. I have six dogs and six. Six cats.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Audience Member]

Wow.

[Sponsor Voice]

My goodness.

[Audience Member]

Goodness.

[Louis Ooze]

Wait a minute.

[Harlan Williams]

You're a stay at home dad?

[Poncho Molar]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

You're not very good at it. I see you.

[Poncho Molar]

I got nothing to say to that.

[Harlan Williams]

That's right.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Is your wife a normal sized human?

[Poncho Molar]

Yes, she is. She's 5 foot 8 inches tall.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Wow.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Holy.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

That's a huge.

[Poncho Molar]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where did you guys meet?

[Poncho Molar]

We met on the Radio City Christmas Spectacular. She was company management and I was one of the workshop elves.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, my God.

[Poncho Molar]

I just lured her in with snickerdoodles. Like, come on, come on. I got what you need, baby.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Were you in the elf costume when you actually met her?

[Poncho Molar]

Yes.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Poncho Molar]

She's definitely got a fetish.

[Ron White]

My God.

[Harlan Williams]

If you hold your breath, will you turn into Winnie the Pooh?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Don't hold your breath, Poncho.

[Harlan Williams]

Cute. I just want to throw him on my back and break into Legoland or something.

[Poncho Molar]

Let's do it, dude. I can choke you out from up there.

[Harlan Williams]

I'm not into that, but maybe this freak.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

I'll leave you my cell number on Facebook.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

What made you want to get into comedy?

[Poncho Molar]

Honestly, like, I'm a full time actor and it just gets to the point where it's just you do these auditions and they just. You're not in control of them and you don't hear anything back. And comedy was. Is something where you kind of get an instant gratification from people's laughter.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah.

[Poncho Molar]

You know, and you have more control of it, you know, and it's fun and it. I like teaching through, like, humor, like, you know.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Have you been in anything that we'd recognize you from?

[Poncho Molar]

I've been in lots of two Rod zombie movies, Candy Corn, a lot of horror movies.

[Damien Regal]

Short films.

[Audience Member]

Films.

[Poncho Molar]

No, Red Band. Those aren't short films, Red Band.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Those are full length films. Red band.

[Harlan Williams]

Do you ever jump up and down on your bed until you can grab the ceiling fan and just twirl around like a demented helicopter?

[Poncho Molar]

I wish I could. I can't.

[Wesley Brenner]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What are some of the advantages to being a little person that maybe us normies don't know about?

[Poncho Molar]

Well, I mean, let's see.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

How long does it Take you to get Frosted Flakes off the shelf.

[Poncho Molar]

Well, I have. My shelves are at the bottom. I have everything on the bottom shelves.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

I love it.

[Poncho Molar]

Everything up there is empty.

[Harlan Williams]

There's a shelf on your bottom.

[Martin Phillips]

Thank you.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

And you don't have any actual kids, right?

[Poncho Molar]

No.

[Wesley Brenner]

No.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Have you tried. Is that something you guys are interested in or.

[Poncho Molar]

I tried with one of my girlfriends and we had to have an abortion. It sucked.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, my God. Do you get a discount if the abortions. Half size abortion?

[Poncho Molar]

Definitely.

[Damien Regal]

Okay.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

All right. And the dogs and the cats, do they ever. They. They act up. What goes on over there with. With your little zoo that you're running?

[Poncho Molar]

It's crazy, dude. We got to put them outside when we have sex.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Why?

[Poncho Molar]

Because one of the dogs has its tongue in my ass. One time when I was fucking my wife and it felt really good, so I was like, doesn't it? Yes, it does.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yes, it does.

[Harlan Williams]

That's what they call doggy style in my world.

[Poncho Molar]

Yes.

[Martin Phillips]

Yes.

[Harlan Williams]

You ever throw a frisbee in the air, catch it in your teeth, and then jump under a bulldozer?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Good question, Harland Poncho. What's that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Before I let you go?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What's like the craziest thing that's ever happened to you in your life?

[Joseph Garcia]

Life?

[Poncho Molar]

Well, I was a professional skateboarder for a long time. I was actually the first little person professional skateboard in the entire world.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Low center of gravity.

[Poncho Molar]

It's not a big deal though, because there was only two of us, so it's like.

[Greg the Blind Man]

Right.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Amazing.

[Poncho Molar]

And I got jerked off and back of a taxi with. With Wee Man.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

We man was with you. We love We Man. We Man's the man.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Wait, can you do that again real quick? Got

[Harlan Williams]

looks like a baby chicken trying to fly. Do that.

[Poncho Molar]

I love you, Harley.

[Harlan Williams]

Can you do that and run at the same time?

[Poncho Molar]

No.

[Harlan Williams]

I'll make the chicken noise if you do. Come on.

[Poncho Molar]

I just do this.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Absolutely.

[Poncho Molar]

I'm a rooster.

[Harlan Williams]

Rooster. Okay. Act like a cock.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

This show's out of control, Pancho. Even though it's funny to give you a small joke book and a medium joke book and say that it's a big joke book, I'm just gonna give you a big joke book, buddy.

[Greg the Blind Man]

There you go.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Poncho Moeller, everybody.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Great job.

[Audience Member]

Job. Wow.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Let's just keep this fun train moving along. I'd imagine it's going to take him a while to get off the stage. Doesn't have the largest gate, if you know what I mean. There he goes. One More time for Poncho, everybody. Adorable. That's a full grown right there, ladies and gentlemen. Only on Kil, Tony, can you see things quite like this.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Never seen an Ewok live before.

[Harlan Williams]

Nub gub, yub nub. So they talk. Yub nub gubnub the walks.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

What does it mean? Yub gub, nub wub. Anyone know?

[Sponsor Voice]

We. We should.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

We should ask them when he was still up here.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. Yub gub nub wub.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, we're gonna keep it moving along.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, can a guy be curious anymore? God.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, we're very curious, aren't we? Me.

[Harlan Williams]

Hi, curious.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

I love that you're doing an impression of yourself.

[Jack Shaw]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian is a golden ticket winner.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is one of the youngest ever

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

golden ticket winners in the history of the show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Some people call him the first ever kill.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Tony musical prodigy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is his first ever appearance in la. Make some noise for Tony Scar, everybody.

[Tony Scar]

Folks, this is my dream. This is fantastic. This is amazing. It's my dream to struggle to pull the mic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Stand up at an arena.

[Shay Freeman]

Dude, it really is.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Jesus Christ.

[Tony Scar]

So I wrote a song about the American dream. You guys want to hear it? The American dream is supposed to be to get a wife and kids and then divorce. Cause every real man knows the sign of a great woman is that she's under 24. How about that last bucket pull? Wasn't that shit great? Oompa Loompa, Charlie Chips, Chocolate Factory. Mommy. As a kid, I dreamed that I could be an astronaut. If Katy Perry can do it. But why can't I? So I trained just like she did. I kissed a girl and I liked it. Then to get to space, I blew a hundred guys. My upstairs neighbor's dream is to be the best tap dancer in the world. And my dream is that his little boy grows up to become a little girl. There's a six year old dwarf out there whose dream is to grow up.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Good luck.

[Tony Scar]

There's vegans that spend every day trying to save the earth. Who gives a fuck?

[Audience Member/Interjector]

You want a wife?

[Brian Redban]

Get a fat wife.

[Tony Scar]

Dream bigger. Hire your favorite black guy to sing.

[Brian Redban]

Nigger.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I don't got all day, bro. At five. Come on.

[Tony Scar]

I've done that bit a lot around the country. I owe a lot of money. Black guy's money. I did that bit in South Detroit and they punched me in the tummy. 2 Tony Hinchcliffs, Harlow Williams by the side. So Tony can sit in the cup chair as he gets coconut pied. The American dream can Be anything. So set aside the time. If I wouldn't have bombed that first line, I swear that this would be mine.

[Brian Redban]

Thank you. I'm a Tony Scar, little rapper.

[Timmy No Breaks]

We got there.

[Tony Scar]

We got there, folks.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Tony Scar, ladies and gentlemen.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Ladies and gentlemen, Tony Scar.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I thought it was great. Tony, you're something else, man. There's just simple things that you know.

[Timmy No Breaks]

You.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

No one knows that you're messing up until you say that you're messing up. No one knew you were having a problem with the mic mic stand until you said it. You know what I mean? You just gotta stay in that pocket. These people absolutely love you. You're a young guy.

[Brian Redban]

Thank you.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

We're watching you grow up in real time, blossoming.

[Tony Scar]

I love you.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

He loves LA.

[Tony Scar]

I love LA.

[Martin Phillips]

Oh,

[Tony Scar]

dude, LA's been awesome.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah.

[Tony Scar]

This place rocks. I went to the Comedy Store, I bought like four jokes. It was great.

[Louis Ooze]

Dude.

[Tony Scar]

I went to Venice Beach. That was fun. Dude, this place is. It rocks.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah, we love it.

[Chris Aguilar]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Did you see the Sea Turtle?

[Gabriel Iglesias]

Can I ask, what is your process for finding the black guy in every city to do that? Do you just walk up?

[Tony Scar]

I find the worst neighborhood and I hold out my wallet it. And then you just wait. You know what I mean? It's like leaving.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Leaving bait. It's easy.

[Tony Scar]

I pay him well.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah. Okay.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

How's your love life, like, Tony?

[Tony Scar]

My love life is. Is going all right? It's going okay. It's not.

[Ari Matti]

It's.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

It's horrible, dude. That's okay.

[Tony Scar]

It's all good. You gotta sacrifice some things to chase your dreams, and that's one of them. Where you can't hold down a relationship and be touring.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you kissed a girl since being in Los Angeles, California,

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

on the lip? I have not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is there a girl out there that wants to come give Tony Stark kiss real quick? That one right there.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Come on up, sweetheart.

[Fiona Collie]

Right here.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Bring her up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hurry up. Make it faster than that.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Come on.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

Come on.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Get her up there, Colt.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

She's sitting next to any animal from the Muppet.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Or that way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Normally, I don't think we've ever actually

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

done this in an arena before, but

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

for 13 years, we've had a segment where if someone hasn't had their first

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

kiss in that city. This is Tony. This is her first time in la, right?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Yeah.

[Tony Scar]

And I'm so glad you picked a woman.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at this.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Go ahead, move your guitar.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make it a good one.

[Harlan Williams]

French, French. French. Buck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Thank you.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Hey, take a big joke.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Buck with you. Yeah, exactly. I'm going to. I'm going to throw one at her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Get her to sign a release.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

She looks like the type that would sue.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Was that Tia Tequila?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Tila Tequila. That's a good topical reference. You got it. Tila Tequila is very topical right now.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

She died.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's get a replay of that. That might be one of the greatest

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

kisses in the history of kill. Tony.

[Audience Member]

Wow.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, my God. Absolutely incredible. Tony, look at you.

[Ron White]

You.

[Tony Scar]

My husband's going to be pissed.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Dude, he's funny. Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that your girlfriend, sir, with the pink hair? No.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Absolutely unbelievable. How about one more time for the girl that did that? Where'd she go? That's great. I love her.

[Shay Freeman]

I'm in love.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Here you go.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Wasn't she the lead in Two Girls One Cup?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pink hair.

[Tony Scar]

I can taste it on her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, Pink hair. Give this to her. Hey, up here. Hey, you dumb slut.

[Louis Ooze]

Hey.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

All right, pass it forward to her. Sorry. I'm a little bit stronger than usual. Rogan injected me with big peptides this morning.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Joe's got the best peptides ever.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

He's my best friend in the world.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

I love me some Joe Rogan.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I love Joe Rogan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One more time for Tony Scar. Ladies, I got a couple things, if

[Tony Scar]

you don't mind, Tony.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

All right. Right, Tony, go ahead.

[Tony Scar]

I got a podcast out right now called the Too Soon Podcast, where I don't up the lines.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

That's out right now.

[Tony Scar]

I'm on tour right now. Golden ticket tour. And if you want to vote on my next song, you can vote on my Instagram Scar comedy. I want to hear what you guys want to hear.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

There you go. Tony Scar, ladies and gentlemen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Getting some plucks out there.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

There he goes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're going to keep it moving right along. Normally, I would go back to the bucket, but I'm feeling itchy again.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I want another golden ticket winner.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I want, want to bring this place down. Down. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. You know her, you love her. She is here in the flesh, alive and stronger than ever. Make some noise for the great Fiona Colle.

[Mario Bosco]

Sa.

[Fiona Collie]

Hell, yeah. I recently was asked to headline a Disability Comic Con. Little redundant. I assumed it would just be, like, a room full of wheelchair people, you know? I showed up and I was the only wheelchair person there. It was literally a room full of 400 furries. Yeah. So the disability they were talking about, it was autism, right?

[Christina Mariani]

Dude,

[Fiona Collie]

I go up there, I'm doing my material And I am bombing my fucking dick off, okay? Like, it's so quiet in this room that you could hear a tail drop, okay? So I'm like, scrambling and I start doing crowd work, okay? But I will tell y', all, it is impossible to do crowd work to a room of people that will not make eye contact with you. I'm bombing so bad that I open this up to a fucking Q and A, all right? And I shit you not, a fucking cat in the front row raised her paw and she goes, yeah. Why haven't you killed yourself yet? Rare like, bitch, we don't all have nine lives. Okay? Thank you. Thank you so much.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

The great Fiona Cauley. Hell, yeah.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Hell, yeah.

[Poncho Molar]

Oh, my God.

[Fiona Collie]

Seeing a second Tony, it's so scary. It's like I feel like a baby saying it's dead without its beard for the first time. I don't like it.

[Audience Member]

You got me.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

You got it.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Fiona, how's it going?

[Fiona Collie]

Really good. I did just get to do one of the craziest things. I'm from Nashville, and there's this place. Hell, yeah.

[Christina Mariani]

Yep.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

Yep.

[Fiona Collie]

It is true. There's a place in White House, Tennessee, called Zooland or something.

[Christina Mariani]

Zootopia.

[Joseph Garcia]

Okay.

[Fiona Collie]

A fucking monkey stole my wheelchair.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

No.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah. And monkeys have, like, really big clits. Did y' all know that?

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Yep, sure.

[Martin Phillips]

Of course.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

I have the Internet.

[Harlan Williams]

They also have bubble gum on their ass.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah. I'm scared of monkeys. And I didn't know that, but

[Sponsor Voice]

what

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

did the monkey do with your wheelchair, exactly?

[Fiona Collie]

Well, it was like biting the nipple.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, yeah.

[Fiona Collie]

And it kept driving it around and I was scared to touch it. Cuz monkeys are really creepy.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah, man.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

There was one that came up here earlier during Tony set and said the nword.

[Sponsor Voice]

It was crazy. Dude, anything?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Is that a groan I heard?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Los Angeles.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, okay. Just making sure.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Fiona, that looks like a new chair. Is it a new chair?

[Fiona Collie]

It is a new chair. Oh, yeah. It's still a super handy. Thank you.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Fiona, you are just unbelievable. Everybody loves you. They got up on their feet when you came out this. You're a huge part of the Kill Tony world. We love you. Everyone loves you.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

Can I just say.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

Gabriel, you know, on top of being very funny and creative with your comedy, you're incredibly likable. You're very just. There's something about you that just automatically. We just. We love you. Continued success to you. Every time I see you do this show, you kill it. Keep killing it. And put a lock on your chair for those monkeys.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

We love you, ladies and gentlemen, the great Fiona Collie, everybody. Come on. Ladies and gentlemen,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red band.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Red band. Jesus.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Red band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about one more time for the

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

lovely Heidi and Fiona Collie, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Back to the bucket. We go bucket pull.

[Sponsor Voice]

Number one.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

After it is Louis Ooze, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here comes Louis Ooze.

[Louis Ooze]

Wow, this is crazy, man. I love doing stand up because after a show, people say really nice things to you. Other times, they say things that keep you up at night. Like, one night after a show, lady came up to me. She's like, you're really funny. She's like, you remind me of a lesbian George Lopez.

[Audience Member]

Damn.

[Louis Ooze]

I don't like how hard you guys laughed at that.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

No, I'm.

[Louis Ooze]

I'm from Minneapolis, but like most Mexicans, I was born in California. At least that is what I've been telling a lot of white people lately. No, but I grew up in a town so small in Minnesota, like, I didn't always live in Minneapolis. Like, the question I got the most growing up is, what kind of Mexican are you? That is a hard question to answer when you are six years old, because I didn't know if I wanted to be the drywall kind or the roofing kind. Once I got older, I realized I wanted to become the landscaping kind.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Hell, yeah.

[Louis Ooze]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Luis Ooze, ladies and gentlemen. One more time for Louis Ooze Lewis.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

How long you been doing stand up?

[Louis Ooze]

I've been doing stand up for three years.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Where at?

[Louis Ooze]

Minneapolis.

[Sponsor Voice]

Okay.

[Tony Scar]

Wow.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What brought you here today?

[Louis Ooze]

I opened for the Mutts.

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, little Momo.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Hell, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did you meet him?

[Louis Ooze]

I opened for him in St Paul after the show. He's like, I don't really listen to people that go up before me. But he's like, you were funny. You were cracking me up, and you got good reactions from the crowd.

[Tony Scar]

I like.

[Louis Ooze]

I want to bring you on the road.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

It's incredible. Absolutely amazing. What's Minneapolis like nowadays? Is it. We only see it on the news when it's dragging our country down.

[Louis Ooze]

You know, there is one. There is one benefit to having these nice visitors in Minneapolis. And I was cleaning up with white women on the dating apps. It's been pretty good.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

What's your favorite type of woman, Ooze?

[Louis Ooze]

Blue hair. The real liberal kind.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

A Smurf, as we call them.

[Louis Ooze]

If they're short enough, I don't want to give them labels.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

I will.

[Audience Member]

All right.

[Louis Ooze]

Thank you. Thank you, Tony.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

So how do you make a living?

[Louis Ooze]

I'm actually a metrologist for a pharmaceutical Company.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What exactly is that?

[Louis Ooze]

Metrology is the science of measurements.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Louis Ooze]

It is the most boring science out there.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Amazing.

[Louis Ooze]

Yes.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

How did you get into that?

[Louis Ooze]

Well, I went from dealing drugs to making them. That's the pipeline.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Amazing.

[Sponsor Voice]

Amazing.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

That's the dream.

[Louis Ooze]

It is the dream.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You have a girlfriend. What's your love life like?

[Louis Ooze]

It's terrible. I do this.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah. You don't ever get, like, lucky on the road or anything?

[Louis Ooze]

I don't really try, but, I mean, I'll take some suitors tonight.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

No, no, we already did that. We don't. We don't do it twice an episode.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

No, no. First kiss in la?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

No, no. But I will show you what you missed. This could have been you. Do you still have the replay loaded up?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Guys?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Can we get that make out one more time? That Tony Scar got to have have. Just to let you know, this would have been you.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Could have been you if. If you

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

were luckier. Yeah, that would have been you. That I know.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan and you've got mail.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I know right now you're jealous of him and I'm jealous of her.

[Louis Ooze]

I could never be a white guy that plays guitar.

[Harlan Williams]

I gotta ask Tony.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Go right ahead. The Great Harlan Williams. 2025, guys. Guest of the year, Dumb and Dumber. So many great movies. The new hit movie Wingman.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, yes. My new movie, Wingman, out on May 26th. Please support it, Apple TV, all the streamers. May 26th in Australia. Here, Wingman. Thank you, everybody.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah, go ahead. What's your question for Lewis?

[Harlan Williams]

My thing is, why don't we bring Lady Lavender back up and give him a shot? He is a lesbian.

[Mario Bosco]

Again.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You wouldn't do it again, would you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's a lesbian. She does.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

She won't do it again. No, she's not. She's a good fan, but she's not that good of a fan.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow. She could have had a lesbian. She could have.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's go. Come on up.

[Harlan Williams]

Come on up and make out with George Lopez.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A little bit faster. A little bit faster.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, a little faster.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

How you feeling, bro?

[Louis Ooze]

This is crazy.

[Harlan Williams]

You should definitely take your shirt off.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

It's about to get crazy.

[Harlan Williams]

Take your shirt off. Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Take your pants. Take your pants off, too.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Take your pants off.

[Harlan Williams]

Keep the shirt off while she's making out so she can play with your dirty areola eyes. Doesn't it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look now keep it up.

[Harlan Williams]

Punched a baby in the face.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Could we get her up here a little bit faster? Come on, Cole.

[Harlan Williams]

Come On.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus Christ. This is one of the slowest sluts

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I've ever seen in my life.

[Harlan Williams]

You mean slug?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's go.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Here she comes.

[Harlan Williams]

Here we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're great. You're fantastic. Do you believe in miracles, ladies and gentlemen? Oh, my God.

[Ron White]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Take a Sharpie.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Take a Sharpie. Oh, she's gonna.

[Harlan Williams]

She's gonna draw. Oh.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, my God.

[Harlan Williams]

Katy Perry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Look at that. Wow. You can keep that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's an official Kill Tony Sharpie.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You earned it.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

Oh, my God.

[Harlan Williams]

Now you go home, tell all your friends you just molested George Lopez.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about one more time for this girl?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Everybody, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The best fans in the world.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Best are here in the Kill Tony universe.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

Make a wish, bro.

[Harlan Williams]

You're welcome.

[Brian Redban]

That was my.

[Louis Ooze]

Make a wish. I can get deported happily now.

[Harlan Williams]

That was your makeup. How about that?

[Audience Member/Interjector]

This is the first time in Kill Tony history that two people contracted hpv.

[Louis Ooze]

Somehow I ended up feeling like a. After that. I don't know. That's crazy.

[Harlan Williams]

It looked like it. Tell me again why your areola eyes are so small. They look like fish eyes.

[Louis Ooze]

I don't know. I got them from my mom.

[Harlan Williams]

Good Lord, give them back. I can smell them from here.

[Louis Ooze]

They're killing me. They're killing me. This is crazy.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

How did it feel? How did it taste?

[Louis Ooze]

It tasted pretty good.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Let's see a replay of it.

[Louis Ooze]

No, we don't gotta. We don't gotta. Wow.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think I see some matching tattoos there.

[Harlan Williams]

This looks like a Shazam.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

It looks like red band when he gets a beef and cheddar at Arby.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, she's a trooper. Look at.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, he's the one that pulled back. Wait a second. Wait. Let's go back to that replay. Let's see that replay one more time. There's a moment where he pulls back.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Lewis, much like at the ufc, I

[Brian Redban]

want to know what's going on.

[Harlan Williams]

You ain't no lesbian. You ain't no lesbian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Keep the replay going there. Just go back and forth on him pulling back, please. Louis, I want to talk to Lewis here. Lewis, tell me what is going on through your mind when you're pulling away from that slut's tongue.

[Louis Ooze]

I was expecting a sensual kiss. I didn't know I was about to be tongued like that.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

The good.

[Louis Ooze]

It is the good, but I wasn't expecting it. You know, my first time on stage, I didn't think I would be making out with another lesbian.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

So this is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is so.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

That is so Minneapolis of him. I didn't realize I was going to be taken advantage of up here tonight. You fucking.

[Sponsor Voice]

You little.

[Louis Ooze]

I'm going to live in my nightmares. I'm going to have.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

It's also going to live on the Internet forever.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

So we're live on tubi.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Louis ooze. Here you go, my friend.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

There's a big joke. But look, you did it. Wow. There goes Lewis. Go ahead. There he goes, Lewis. All right.

[Sponsor Voice]

Wow.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Louis Ooze]

Tony.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

Tony. You guys are making dreams come true today.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

It is amazing.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

He looked uncomfortable, but I think, you know, he's going to be high fiving somebody backstage.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, yeah. He just had the time of his life. You can't have fun like that in Minneapolis, Minnesota, nowadays.

[Harlan Williams]

Have you ever seen areolas like that before, Bob?

[Gabriel Iglesias]

Try not to focus on stuff like that.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

They were very tiny. They were very purple. It almost looked like little grape jolly ranchers or something like that.

[Harlan Williams]

Like a raccoon peering out of a dumpster.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You guys think we should go to

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the legends bucket again, huh?

[Audience Member]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

It's time. Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, Kill Tony legend, front

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

runner 2026 guest of the year, along

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

with the many other greats. You know him, he has one of

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the best specials ever on YouTube.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for one of our favorites right now in the kill Tony universe and one of

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

my personal best friends.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

This is the return of one of

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the best comedians in the world. Joe derosa, everybody.

[Brian Redban]

Los Angeles, how are we? Good to see you guys. I. I actually went through a breakup recently. I've been self medicating with strip clubs. Strippers are getting lazy, man. They're getting lazy. I had a stripper come up to me the other night. I go, hey, how you doing? She goes, I'm tired. I'm sorry, miss, did you just talk to me like a regular woman in the middle of my fantasy place? I didn't know this was a fantasy nag. Could have went to my mother's house for this. Would have been a lot cheaper. I'm going to be honest. I haven't just been self medicating with strip clubs. Been hitting a few massage parlors, too.

There's only one reason as a man

you go to a massage parlor.

Hand job. Hand job.

The happy ending. And for anybody in the audience feeling a little uncomfortable that I'm addressing this subject matter. I know what you're thinking, oh, my God. What about human trafficking?

That's half the thrill. God damn it. You're laying in there with your nuts

out going, ice could kick this fucking door open.

At any minute right now, this place is wild.

But here's the funny thing about massage parlors. No matter which one I've ever been to, and it hasn't been a ton in my life, eight or nine dozen.

[Jack Shaw]

But

[Brian Redban]

no matter what city I'm in, they all have the same menu. It's like McDonald's 30 Minute Massage or 60 Minute Massage.

Both end with a hand job.

So you might be wondering, why in God's name would you wait twice as long as and pay even more money to get to the same happy ending? It's a great question, and I have an answer. 60 minute massage is actually better. It's better. It's more involved. They work the tissue a little deeper. They work the extremities a little longer. You get a full foot and hand rub. Sometimes they walk on your back. It's better. They also finger your asshole. Now, to me, that's the biggest Perk of the 60 minute. I think that beats the foot rub, is the fingering of the asshole. I was in one one time like this, on all fours, like a dirty little doggy wagging my tail. The lady tapped my asshole and she held her finger up and she said, sir, inside or out? That's not what she said. She said, oh. So inside or out? I don't know why they call it a happy ending. Nobody's happy at the end, especially her. She's like, this isn't what they said. Delaware would be like, this country stinks. And I'm not happy either because it's expensive. I can't even enjoy the orgasm because all I can think about is what I could have spent that money on. Whole orgasm.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I'm like, oh, there goes the Nintendo Swift. All right, I gotta go, everybody.

[Brian Redban]

Thank you for. Thank you for listening.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Make some noise for the great Joe derosa. Joe, we fucking love you. Thanks so much for doing this and being a kill. Tony fucking icon. So many episodes we've recorded this year. You're one of my best friends.

[Brian Redban]

I love you, buddy.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

We fucking love you.

[Brian Redban]

I love all of you.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Brian Redban]

Thank you for having me.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Harlan, you ever been to one of those massage parlors?

[Harlan Williams]

Yes. And I was so pissed off because the girl, the masseuse, when she laid down and ordered me to give her a massage, I was pissed.

[Brian Redban]

Did you give her a happy ending?

[Harlan Williams]

He's laughing. Won't you please join him?

[Brian Redban]

Did you give her a happy ending?

[Audience Member]

No.

[Harlan Williams]

What I did is I've been taking these pills where I don't know how it happened, but I can Actually lay an ostrich egg. So I sat on her face and laid an ostrich egg, like, right on her stupid, fat, puffy, veiny, smelly, zit covered, diarrhea coated face. Well, he's asking. If he didn't ask, you won't have to hear all this. Would you, you cauliflower soup sucking freaks.

[Brian Redban]

It's. You're very venomous tonight. I've never heard you be this mean.

[Harlan Williams]

You bring it out. Me, my guy. I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

I'm gonna have sex with you later.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

You could try, but I'm made of cork.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Me and me. Can't wait to watch that go down.

[Audience Member]

That'll be.

[Louis Ooze]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Joe derosa, we love you.

[Brian Redban]

I love you guys. Thank you for having me, boys.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You are the man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, guys.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Another great set by legend Joe DeRosa.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Joe DeRosa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That thing with the bow tie. What the Are you.

[Louis Ooze]

You.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you sign up?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Do you have a minute? Yeah. You do? I got to see what you're going to do. Go over there to these people. I have to see what the. You are exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Colt, you got this.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Look at this thing. You got a camera on this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is coming up.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

We're one bucket pool away from this.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

It's Peewee Sherman.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Got a. It's got a little attitude.

[Poncho Molar]

Cold.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Get its name, write it down, send it to me. In the meanwhile, we're going to go

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

to this bucket pool. It is Wesley Brenner, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wesley Brenner event now.

[Wesley Brenner]

Hey, how's it going, guys? My name is Wes. People have told me I. I look like a genie. If you're to rub an old, dirty bong instead of a lamb, I would come out, you know, But I just asked to borrow $30. Like, instead of granting three wishes, I just take three things away. I just drove up from San Diego. San Diego's pretty cool. We have. Yeah. Hell, yeah. Yeah. A lot of reactions to San Diego. We've got SeaWorld in San Diego, you know, or as the whale else call it, Auschwitz, Atlantis. So that's fun. I've been looking into it, though, and I looked back in the day. Guys in, like, medieval times, they had pocket pussies. I was looking this up. They had pocket pussies. I mean, they called the midget back

[Timmy No Breaks]

then, but they did.

[Wesley Brenner]

They had them, you know. Yeah. Yeah, dude. I actually some. I told that joke the other day and somebody told me that, like, midget is an offensive word. I didn't know that. I guess they don't like to be called midgets now. You're supposed to call them little. All right, that's my time, guys. Give it up for your host.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. An aggressive set.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Wesley Brenner. Wesley, just hold the mic in your hand, pal.

[Wesley Brenner]

Sure.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Wesley, welcome, welcome.

[Sponsor Voice]

What are you?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What ethnicity are you exactly?

[Wesley Brenner]

A quarter black, quarter Mexican, and half

[Harlan Williams]

white and part Hamburglar.

[Wesley Brenner]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Right here.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Wesley, welcome to the show. How long you been doing stand up?

[Wesley Brenner]

Three and a half years.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Nice. What vape store do you work at?

[Wesley Brenner]

Vapes R Us.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Really? What do you do for work?

[Wesley Brenner]

I play music. Like, yeah, I sing and play the guitar and stuff.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Really? You sing? You like original stuff?

[Wesley Brenner]

I have original music.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Is it reggae?

[Wesley Brenner]

It touches on that, you know, sometimes.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Can you give us just an example, like one line of a song? Let's see, you're in the Intuit Dome right now. You just jump, right?

[Wesley Brenner]

Original song or. Or just a.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yes.

[Wesley Brenner]

Okay.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Or else you'll set off the YouTube sensors.

[Wesley Brenner]

You are my life, you are my

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

soul Rise to you, you make me

[Wesley Brenner]

shine make everything feel I.

[Tony Scar]

All right.

[Audience Member]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's pretty good.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Amazing, Wesley.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

They should have sang a set.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Wesley, how long you been doing music for?

[Wesley Brenner]

21 years.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You seem very talented. What made you want to start standup?

[Sponsor Voice]

Three years.

[Wesley Brenner]

Plus, music didn't work out, you know.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Why? How?

[Wesley Brenner]

Oh, I'm still here, you know. I'm just in obscurity.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You drove up from San Diego just for this?

[Wesley Brenner]

With a couple buddies. Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Nice.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

You look like Whoopi Goldberg. Fozzie Bear. That's a compliment.

[Wesley Brenner]

I like it.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

No, it is true.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

What's your favorite thing to do when you're not doing stand up?

[Wesley Brenner]

Ketamine.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Wow. It's amazing.

[Wesley Brenner]

Oh, yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Maybe that's why you look like Bob Marley's foot at the end of his life. That's where his infection was. A little fun fact for the those of you that don't know. In fact, amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wesley,

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

when you say you make money

[Wesley Brenner]

doing music, though, I mean, barely, you know, but we're paying the bills.

[Sponsor Voice]

Just doing music and comedy.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Wesley Brenner]

Right now. Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Amazing. How hard is that? What's your living situation like?

[Wesley Brenner]

I'm in a house, but I'm about to move into a car and head to New York, so I was going to get.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What makes you want to move to New York? Comedy.

[Wesley Brenner]

More of the transportation. I love the subways and trains, so I don't want to drive everywhere.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You're gonna live in your car and take the train and subway places?

[Wesley Brenner]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

That's a very interesting method that you figured out.

[Wesley Brenner]

Yeah, the car is gonna stay. Be standalone. It'll be, you know, I hope it's

[Audience Member/Interjector]

a fast car, because you look like Tracy Chapman's brother with aids.

[Harlan Williams]

Can I ask him something? As a singer? I mean, normally I ask comedy questions.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah, go ahead. Go right ahead, bro.

[Harlan Williams]

As a singer, and I'm just curious this. Can I hear your highest note that you can hit?

[Wesley Brenner]

I'm really bad at, like, a falsetto, but, yeah, it's going to be really embarrassing, and my voice is going to crack.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Do it.

[Wesley Brenner]

I, I don't even know.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

How about low?

[Harlan Williams]

Wait, wait. Keep doing it. Keep doing it. And now you're a train, my little friend.

[Wesley Brenner]

Thank you.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I love it, I love it, I love it. Wesley, give us one more other crazy, fun fact about your life.

[Wesley Brenner]

I was the one who gave Doug Stanhope ketamine at Skankfest.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, wow. I actually watched him snort that.

[Wesley Brenner]

And it was in the bathroom with you. He. He was in the urinal. He stepped away from the urinal. He said, tony, I just open for you. And then I gave him ketamine.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah, I, I watched him. He snorted it. Not in the back. I mean, he may have snorted some in the bathroom. I wasn't paying attention. However, believe it or not, I don't look at other people when they're in the urinal. But I can tell you that he definitely did do a giant bump off the top of his hand on the other side of the curtain after the guy said his name.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So he's like.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

They're like, ladies and gentlemen, Doug Stanhope. He's like, watch this. And then he went out. He's a real rock star. I, I, I can't fathom anything like it. We love Doug Stanhope. So you're doing the Lord's work, giving him his ketamine. Let's check in with the great fluffy Gabriel Iglesias.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

The question, I think we're all wondering, is the. The person that you rolled up with s. Was from San Diego? Was it the other comic that was up here earlier?

[Wesley Brenner]

No, but my other friend is in the Bucket. They got bold, so hopefully they're going to be out here. Another.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

Another.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

All right, Wesley, here's a. Here's a big joke, but congratulations. There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wesley Brenner.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Don't do drugs, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your next comedian is not out of the Legends bucket, nor is she a regular, nor is she a golden ticket winner. However, she has somehow, and I mean

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

by good reason, she's one of the funniest comedians in all of Austin. And Los Angeles, California, and has the most viral joke perhaps ever in the

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

history of the show. She's here. She's back again.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You know her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some noise for the great Christina Mariani, everybody.

[Christina Mariani]

Thank you. Yeah, thanks. Thanks. A lot of people don't know this about me, but I'm Italian. I'm from Italy. Yeah, thanks. Yeah, thanks. I feel like Italians were a pretty likable group of people.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah.

[Christina Mariani]

Which it's weird how much more likable Italians are than Germans. Right. Because we both kind of did a pretty bad thing. But Italians, we're more likable, even though we were both. And I think it's because. I think it's because we have pizza. I think Italians, we have pizza. And Germans, That's not how they use their ovens. Mamma mia. That's the spicy Jew, I think. I tend to date other foreign people. I get along with people from other countries more. We just have a vibe. My ex boyfriend was Indian, so, Yeah, I really liked that he was Indian. We got along in a lot of ways. I think the only thing I didn't like was how hairy he was. But it's okay. I'm Italian. We're hairy too. But he was a lot hairier than me, but I never said anything. I loved him. You know, it's fine. But you know how Instagram can kind of hear your thoughts? So I saw a video on Instagram and it was of this girl putting Nair in someone's body wash. I know it's pretty fucked up, but. But I tried it, but it's okay. It didn't work because turns out you gotta use it. And he cheated on me, so he really was a stinker. Thank you, guys. Thank you.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

The great Christina Mariani. Christina, fantastic set. How do you feel?

[Louis Ooze]

Good.

[Christina Mariani]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Thank you. Yeah. You really have an Indian ex boyfriend?

[Christina Mariani]

Yeah.

[Sponsor Voice]

That's crazy.

[Christina Mariani]

Yeah. No, I don't. Is it?

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I can't really picture that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, well.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Did he smell?

[Christina Mariani]

I think I'm just petty. I think that was more. What? That was more. He was fine. I said. Yep.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Perfect.

[Christina Mariani]

Yeah. Thank you.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Gabriel, is this your first time seeing Christina?

[Gabriel Iglesias]

I want to say that I saw your set online.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Oh, cool.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

Did you wear a ball cap before?

[Christina Mariani]

Yeah, I kind of wear a hat a lot of the time. Thank you.

[Fiona Collie]

Very, very fun.

[Christina Mariani]

Thank you so much. It means a lot.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

The extremely famous joke of crossing.

[Christina Mariani]

Oh, yeah. The wallet. Thank you. Thank you so much. I got a lot of. I've been on tour and stuff. That really helped being on Kill Tony. So thank you for the opportunity.

[Sponsor Voice]

That was indeed awesome.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

She is a rising star. Superstar. Make some noise one more time for the great Christina Mariani, ladies and gentlemen. Making her Intuit Dome debut. I have a feeling, knowing her in her trajectory, that she'll be back here real soon. Soon. Best thing that's ever happened to you.

[Audience Member]

Financially.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Go easy.

[Carvana Advertiser]

Sold my car on Carvana. Amazing offer, really.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I hit 200 on a scratcher.

[Carvana Advertiser]

Did the scratcher come to your house and hand you a check?

[Wesley Brenner]

No.

[Carvana Advertiser]

How many scratchers did you hit to get that? I hit a button on Carvana.com once.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay, that's fair.

[Carvana Advertiser]

It's like the lottery, except you always win.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Not like the lottery at all, actually.

[Carvana Advertiser]

Exactly. Inexplicably good offers worth bragging about. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pickup fees may apply.

[Eight Sleep Advertiser]

She loves it hot, he loves it cool. The Pod by eight Sleep is a smart mattress cover that fits on your bed and keeps each side at the perfect temperature all night long. By staying comfortably warm or cool, the Pod helps you sleep deeper and wake up feeling more rested. Every morning. You get daily health insights and a sleep fitness score. However you sleep, the Polyp by Eight slate adapts to you. Try [e-mail] all right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This show's so wild that if I see somebody that looks interesting in the

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

crowd, I get to do whatever the I want. And this person looked very interesting. So I'm gonna bring them on stage. They said they had a minute prepared. Let's see how it goes. Make some noise for Mario Bosco, everybody.

[Mario Bosco]

Louisiana. How the fuck are we? I gotta tell you, I took an Uber here. The guy shows up, rolls down his window and he starts yelling, he can't take me. And I was like, why not? He said he forgot the car seat. It's crazy, right? But I do have some exciting news for you all. I got a call today from ABC tv, and they want me to be your next Bachelor. Yes. They told me to tell you all to tune in this season on Nickelodeon. Come on, guys, wake up. Imagine me, your next. A half stacked man with the kind of voice a tranny would kill for. Speaking of voices, everywhere I go, they call me ma'. Am.

[Audience Member]

Ma', am. Ma', am, ma'. Am.

[Mario Bosco]

I was in Disneyland. The guy goes, hey, ma', am, you forgot your purse. I said, yeah, fuck you. Keep it. Somebody asked me backstage, why am I like this? It's because my mother got drunk in Disney World and had sex with Mickey Mouse.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You left, Mario. You went over your time. I love it. You Good set. Rock solid. Look at you.

[Mario Bosco]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I don't even know where the fuck to begin.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

The most impressive thing for me was the fact that you got yourself on stage from the crowd.

[Mario Bosco]

I was here for.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

That was incredible.

[Mario Bosco]

Online for four hours. Like a Mama Luke. Yeah.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

See, I thought you were gonna show me scars. I'm like, it's not worth it.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Don't do it.

[Mario Bosco]

Had to wait on line today like a. Like, you know.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

How do you feel after doing that?

[Mario Bosco]

Like a civilian. What?

[Gabriel Iglesias]

How do you feel right now that you've done that set and you got yourself up there?

[Mario Bosco]

Amazing.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I love la.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

That's awesome.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Fuck, yeah.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

You crushed it.

[Mario Bosco]

Thank you.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Mario Bosco. You're Italian, huh?

[Fiona Collie]

That's right.

[Mario Bosco]

Brooklyn.

[Ron White]

Wow.

[Sponsor Voice]

Brooklyn, New York. And look at you.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What brought you out to LA this week?

[Mario Bosco]

I do a lot of shows. I'm a comedian, nine years actor, SAG actor, 40. And I open up for a friend of mine, Little Moments at El.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Also open up for Little Momo. And you're just sitting in the crowd by yourself. That's incredible.

[Mario Bosco]

These two gentlemen gave me a ticket to get in here so I could try to sneak on.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I love it. It actually worked. That's funny. Little Momo's like, get him in the front row. Tony sees this thing, he's probably drag it up there. Little Momo got two fucking openers up here tonight, and he's not even doing a spot. That's so funny, Mario.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

You look like the trainer who had the monkey that tried to eat Fiona's wheelchair.

[Mario Bosco]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You look like photocopied him to yourself.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Okay.

[Mario Bosco]

Like a fucking Mama Luke.

[Carvana Advertiser]

Okay.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Get it out.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Mama Luke.

[Harlan Williams]

What is a Mama Luke? I've heard that term. What is it?

[Mario Bosco]

It's like a guy from the neighborhood that's just like. Just a stupid, cheap, you know. He's a Mama Luke.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Yep.

[Mario Bosco]

Can't take him no place.

[Harlan Williams]

Have you ever heard the term? Term porcupine?

[Mario Bosco]

Porcupine? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We have a couple.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, surprise. You are one.

[Mario Bosco]

Oh, thank you. It's my trademark.

[Harlan Williams]

Have you met the pug?

[Mario Bosco]

Had I met the pug? No.

[Harlan Williams]

You two should get together later and do a children's book.

[Mario Bosco]

Oh, lovely.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Thank you, Mario. I think. I think it's overdue at this point. I gotta ask.

[Sponsor Voice]

You have, like.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What is it? Like Benjamin Buttons or some.

[Mario Bosco]

No. I was born with a disease called pan hypopituitarism, where a doctor gave my mom cold medicine after her water broke and left me like this. And I'm on Kill Pony.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Fuck yeah.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

You're killing it.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

That is incredible. How old are you, can I ask?

[Mario Bosco]

53 years old.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

53, wow. I gotta tell you, you are the youngest looking 53 year old I've ever

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

seen in my life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is incredible.

[Sponsor Voice]

What do you do for work normally in real life?

[Mario Bosco]

Just show business.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Mario Bosco]

Write jokes in the day, go to the city, do shows all over Manhattan. Get on planes, come to la, baby, and rock it out.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Mario, I love your energy.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Obsessed with you. How many bow ties do you have?

[Mario Bosco]

About 250.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

What the.

[Mario Bosco]

About 150 jackets.

[Sponsor Voice]

Holy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're the real.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Love it.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You're the real deal, Mario. So cool.

[Mario Bosco]

Thank you.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

It's amazing that you got yourself on stage from the audience. I don't think that's ever happened before.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

No, it is a very rare.

[Mario Bosco]

You gotta do it. You gotta take chances in life. Right.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

And I gotta tell you, you dressed the part. You wore the nice jacket, the bow tie, the fucking everything. You got your ass up here. That's. That is 40 plus years in show business. You choose. Tricked my ass. I thought I had it all figured out, but here I just got played like a fool. And you made the best of the opportunity and you made the show a

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

little bit that much more crazy and original.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

So thank you, Mario.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here's a big joke book. Boo.

[Mario Bosco]

Thank you.

[Brian Redban]

I love you guys.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Make some noise for Mario Bosco, everybody.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

I want to buy cotton candy from her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This place is about to go apes. You guys want to go ape shit? I'm about to bring to the stage one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show, a man who is absolutely dominated 100% of the time that he's ever been on this stage. He is without a doubt one of your favorite comedians in the world. I truly believe. I truly believe. Listen to what I'm about to say. That this man is on a non stop trajectory to be one of the biggest arena acts in the Hill history of comedy. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a man who one day will be a citizen of the United States of America. But for right now, he remains the Estonian Assassin.

[Brian Redban]

This is Ari Matti.

[Louis Ooze]

Sa.

[Ari Matti]

Everybody's drinking tonight, huh? Thank God. I hate sober people. Listen, if you're sober, just don't come out. I don't want to see your ass at my party just walking around remembering what happened. She's making memories. I need everyone to be fucked up at my party. Nobody remembers shit. Who's raping who? That's what happened to P. Diddy. Beautiful Hollywood party, banging bitches, baby oil. And then somebody was sober and an empire fell. All of my friends are alcoholics. I trust them. I need to see behind the facade. For me to trust you. I don't care who you are at 10am, I need to know who you are. 22 shots deep, 3am that's when men start saying shit like, you know Hitler, Now I know you're cool. All of my friends are alcoholics. They have the best stories. If you're sober, what do you talk about? Perfection doesn't resonate. Mistakes too. What do you talk about? Oh, I had a full REM cycle on my whoop.

[Audience Member]

On my whoop.

[Ari Matti]

My friend Joe Derosa, absolute animal, retarded alcoholic. The best stories, he went to New Orleans for a comedy festival and got blown by a tranny in the bathroom. I bet that doesn't happen at the run club, does it? What do you guys talk about? Peptides, my friend is banging men.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I love fucked up people.

[Ari Matti]

You know when you're at a party and you see just a sea of hammered people, everyone's moving and grooving. And then you see that one guy in the back, you know the guy, the sober guy with the water, you know this guy just hydrated and sharp. That's the rapist. Thank you guys so much.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

I love la.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Thank you guys so much. Done it again. The great Ari Mati. Truly, all the time showing who the fuck he is on this show. One of the hardest workers, one of the biggest writers, non stop writing. Crashed into him, ran into him at the pool. We're staying at the same hotel, ran into him at the pool. Writing, just constantly facing the notebook, constantly doing more, outworking everybody. Every night when everyone else has one or two spots, he's doing five or six. There's no coincidences in this world.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You hear about the.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Kobe was practicing, practicing all the time. You hear Jordan Tiger was putting all fucking day. And then you're a perfect example in this comedy business of hard work pays off on top of being naturally funny.

[Harlan Williams]

Thank you.

[Ari Matti]

I really appreciate you.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah, and it is true, we do drink a lot and have a lot of fun.

[Ari Matti]

I become a degenerate alcoholic after moving to America and I've gained. Hey, by the way, everyone in the comments, don't you think I know I. I'm getting fat.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You don't think I've noticed?

[Ari Matti]

Dude, I've gained 38 pounds on the dot after moving door two years. 38 pounds. I look like, dude, I feel like this country is trying to kill me. Dude, I'm on the road. I'm jacking off in weird hotels. Oh, my God. Things are pretty bad. But fun. But fun.

[Harlan Williams]

Have you been to Cracker Barrel yet?

[Ari Matti]

My guy a Cracker Barrel. I have not. I've seen the logo.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, you got to get in there. You'll add an extra 30.

[Ari Matti]

Wish I got the reference.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

A lot of gravy on country fried steak and whatnot.

[Sponsor Voice]

Me?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do I think about Ari?

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Matty, Ari, you're killing it. You've been killing it for years. You came over from Estonia. You brought your swagger, your pants. You've got that cool Estonian bracelet on your neck. You're starting to look like Ellen in her final form. But you're a beast.

[Ari Matti]

Thank you, Tony.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Tony, I love you.

[Audience Member]

You're welcome.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

We have some fun in Austin, don't we, man?

[Ari Matti]

I was at the. Dude, I was at the. Being on the road, you know, it's so tough. You're always lonely. I was at the hotel by. You saw me where? By the pool. So yesterday I hear one of the most exhilarating. When you stay at a lot of hotels, one of the most exhilarating things is when you overhear people fucking or domestic violence, whichever.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Sometimes both.

[Ari Matti]

Sometimes both.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Sometimes both sound a lot alike.

[Ari Matti]

So at the hotel. I don't want to say the name because it's a nice hotel, but still.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

La Quinta.

[Ari Matti]

Yes, the La Quinta. Well, La Quinta is where you hear domestic violence and other things, but I was. So I was walking by the. In the hallway, and you know when you're like. So I go for my coffee, I go for my coffee. I hear them banging. Banging, banging.

[Brian Redban]

Ah, ah, ah.

[Ari Matti]

I hear them banging. And it's kind of like performative. Like, I'm skeptical. I'm skeptical. I'm behind the door, like this. This is fake. I go for the coffee. I go for the coffee. I come back like 15 minutes later, still going. Now I know this is fake. 15 minutes, sure.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

So, yeah, what is the guy gay? Not already.

[Sponsor Voice]

Oh, okay.

[Ari Matti]

So then. Then I go to the pool and I see three giant black men. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Gets interesting. I'm very interested. Three black men. I'm interested. I'm interested. They take the elevator. I ask what floor. They go, 11. I'm on 11. Are they coming for me?

[Brian Redban]

So,

[Greg the Blind Man]

boys.

[Ari Matti]

So we go to the. They are next door to me at the room where this is all happening, and I figure out they're shooting porn at the hotel room next to me. Oh, boy. And then I don't know what it is about la, but the devil took over. I closed. It's midday, by the way. Next, I put my coffee down, I put the blinds. I make it dark.

[Harlan Williams]

Dark.

[Ari Matti]

I get my iPad out, I put it on mute. I start watching porn while next to the wall, like, listening. And I'm, like, jacking off, watching the iPad just fucking come all over my feet, my toes, the hotel carpet.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Let's cut to a clip. We don't have it. We don't have it, man.

[Ari Matti]

And the shame you feel, you know, when you're just. With an iPad, just. How's that for VR, Brian?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Never done that before. That's a new one.

[Ari Matti]

So something about LA just gets the darkness out of me. I don't know what it is, dude.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

It is incredible. Darkness in you, Darkness staying next door to you. It's everywhere. Ari, you have done it again. What an imprint on this show. What an imprint.

[Ari Matti]

I love you guys so much.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Much, Ari. Maddie, ladies and gentlemen,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

let's get another

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

bucket pool up here.

[Sponsor Voice]

We're.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

We're running a bit long, but I like it like that. You guys having fun out there?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about up in the upper bowl? How's the upper deck doing? Make some noise for your next bucket poll.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Ladies and gentlemen, it is Joseph Garcia, everyone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here we go.

[Chris Aguilar]

What's up, y'?

[Wesley Brenner]

All?

[Joseph Garcia]

My name is Joseph. Fun fact about me, my mom had me when she was 16. Anybody else Mexican?

[David Lucas]

Damn.

[Joseph Garcia]

La Raza. Yeah, this used to be Mexico. That makes sense.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

Sense.

[Joseph Garcia]

That completely checks out. Every time I tell someone, a teen mom growing up, they give me the same reaction. It's always a white person. They'll corner me. They'll be like, that must have sucked. And yeah, I get why someone would say that. That's the normal response, But I don't know, man. I like that shit. I thought it was pretty sick because when your mom's 16, you don't have to listen to her.

[Brian Redban]

What?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I liked it, bro.

[Joseph Garcia]

Yeah, Just be realistic, bro. Cause imagine having a teen mom. My mom would try to ground me growing up. She was like, miho, go to your room. You're grounded. I was always like, nah, fool, you go to your room. Grandma grounded you first. You should listen to Grandma. Cause grandma's like 33.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

She's all right.

[Joseph Garcia]

That's it for me. Thank you guys so much.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Joseph Garcia. A lot of numbers, a lot of ages, a lot going on there. I'm gonna check in with me here. Go ahead, Joseph.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Joseph, what's your love life like?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Well, I mean, that's not where I would start. Okay, okay. It's a little bit deeper. That sucked. Joseph, what's going on? How long you been doing stand up?

[Joseph Garcia]

That sucks.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah. Oh, no, my dreams. How long you been doing stand up?

[Joseph Garcia]

Like about seven, eight years now.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, where at?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, out here in la.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where. Where do you live?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Where do. Where do you live?

[Joseph Garcia]

I'm from Santa Ana.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Santa Ana.

[Joseph Garcia]

I'm from Orange County.

[Damien Regal]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You live in Hollywood now?

[Joseph Garcia]

No.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You live in Orange County?

[David Lucas]

No.

[Joseph Garcia]

So I stay in the Inland Empire, but I have to travel up here a lot for comedy.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You stay where? Inland Empire. Okay, so that's the answer. That's where you live? That's where you perform.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Got it?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah. All right. So, Joseph, what do you do for work?

[Joseph Garcia]

I just do this and I do music production. I make beats for rappers and stuff like that. So that's pretty cool.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Joseph, you're la, it seems, through and through. At least that's what you're claiming. Give us something about your life that'll make this arena love you. This is la. You're in it right now. What's a redeeming quality about you that'll make these people love you?

[Joseph Garcia]

All right, so you asked about the dating life. I'm not good at dating, dude. It's not going. I'm just not good at it. Like, I hooked up with a chick recently and the first time we were hooking up, up, she tried to get me dirty talk. I learned I'm not good at dirty talk. She whispered in my ear, she was

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

like, yeah, you like that?

[Joseph Garcia]

I didn't know what to say. I was like, I'm just happy to be here.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okie dokie.

[Joseph Garcia]

That's crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Gabriel, you got anything for this guy?

[Gabriel Iglesias]

I. I thought he was from San Diego.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

He does have San Diego energies tonight.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

San Diego Energy.

[Harlan Williams]

And find Andrew Ridgley and get this Wham. Ass out of here.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, I love Wham.

[Harlan Williams]

You are Wham.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I am Wham.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You don't like the haircut, Harlan?

[Damien Regal]

I love it.

[Harlan Williams]

I want to take you to the beach and rub you all over a starfish.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Joseph, I'm going to save you. I'm going to get you out of here. There's a little joke book.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Everybody on to the next one we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm going to cleanse the room.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I'm going to do it. I'm gonna do it. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian is a full time former regular of the show. He is a member of the Kill Tony hall of Fame.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He is on Top of being one of the best, biggest touring comedians around,

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

he is also literally the best roaster other than me in the show's entire hip history.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Back here where it all started. In Los Angeles, California, I present to you, kill Tony hall of famer, the great David Lucas.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, The world is fucked up and a lot of people are blaming it on the President. But I. I think the biggest problem that's plaguing the world is that fat girls have way too much confidence. Like, I miss the good old days when fat bitches would walk by you with they fucking head at the ground and shit. Now these hoes walk by you with they fucking head in the sky. It's like, hey, look at the ground when you walk past me. What the fuck is that? I hate that shit.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Bro.

[David Lucas]

We got a fucking coddle fat bitch's feelings. You can't even call him a fat bitch no more. You gotta call him shit like, like curvy or voluptuous or bbw. But if you see a fat guy, it's like, look at this fat piece of shit. It's delusion. I hate it. Fat girls go to Lululemon and buy the biggest pants they can and pull it above a belly button. Then put a halter top on and have one inch of stomach showing. It's like, I still see that gut. Like, imagine if I did that shit. Imagine if I came in here with my pants above my belly button and I had a cut off shirt. Y' all would be like, call the cops on this nigga. What the fuck? But I do love fat girls. I think my favorite type of fat girl is a fat girl that lost a lot of weight and she got that loose skin. I love them fucking loose skin bitches. I took one of them loose skinned bitches to the swimming pool and. And she started swimming. That bitch was in the pool looking like a stingray. It was like, I'm like, oh my God, look at this bitch. You ever tried to fuck one of them loose skinned hoes from the back, bruh? Spreading out her ass cheeks is like spreading out bat wings, you know what I'm saying? I thought I was holding an endangered bird. I'm like, like throwing a fat girl. Throwing a fat girl with loose skin on your bed is like folding out a blanket, you know what I'm saying? Don't have a fan on that. Going to start floating like, get, get the. All right, that's my time, y'.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

All. Hall of Famer legend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've seen hall hundreds of his sets

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

and he's Back in LA with us where it all started with him.

[David Lucas]

It's two gay. That's crazy. That's when you get he feel it.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

That and meanwhile you're the size of three gay people.

[David Lucas]

Tony your look like Joe Rogan's ear. Yo. You got cauliflower, Asshole.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I'm surprised you even know what cauliflower is with your history with vegetables.

[David Lucas]

I bet you know what a cucumber is, ain't it?

[Audience Member/Interjector]

I do, I do. And it's none of your business, but I do with it.

[David Lucas]

Mexican Ryan Seacrest over here. What the is this?

[Audience Member/Interjector]

I'm not gonna take that. Odell Beckham Carl's Jr.

[David Lucas]

You look like Tony before he moved to Austin.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Yo, you look like Bebop Abe. Rocksteady.

[David Lucas]

I don't know how y' all filed two of them stupid ass vests. I hate them fucking vests. Let me see if they bulletproof, man.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

It's a very expensive vest. I'll have you know.

[David Lucas]

Shoot a dildo bullet at you niggas.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh my God.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Bring it on.

[David Lucas]

Tony look like the type of nigga that go to sleep in a T shirt with no bottoms.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love sleeping like that.

[David Lucas]

Unbelievable.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

That's how you swim, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm kidding.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

He can't swim.

[David Lucas]

Tony practiced drowning so he can get mouth to mouth.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You give mouth to to mouth to meatloaf.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

You look like the bouncer at Jurassic Park.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

More like Jurassic Dark. Am I right?

[David Lucas]

Y' all look like y' all taste test the new lollipops. Get the out of here. Look at Harley. You look like one of them preachers that get bit by rattlesnakes then pray it off.

[Brian Redban]

God got me.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, well.

[David Lucas]

I had to wake him up.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I had to wake him up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I almost forgot. One of the greatest roast rivalries in the history of Pil pony. Haren Williams versus David Lucas. We've seen this before. Old arch nemesis.

[Wesley Brenner]

Hell yeah.

[Mario Bosco]

Black.

[David Lucas]

Get your white frozone looking ass about it.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, well, well. If it isn't the lie, the witch and the whataburger. You're the only guy in the world. Everyone else to that is a plaid shirt for you. It's a picnic blanket. This guy's gonna go into a park later and eat a seven course meal off his own shirt. This is the only guy that drives around Austin in a shitty old car. But he calls it a BMW. Cause the only time anyone sees it is at Burger King, McDonald's and Wendy'.

[David Lucas]

It's hard to roast this old ass. Diamond Dallas Page looking ass.

[Harlan Williams]

What the Hell's on your head. Lift that thing up that thing, there'll be a zebra's on the back of your head.

[David Lucas]

There we go. Hell yeah, boy.

[Harlan Williams]

Have you seen that movie Eat pray Love. You're the sequel. Eat, eat, eat.

[David Lucas]

How the I supposed to rose all three of these, man?

[Harlan Williams]

This is the only guy in the world who steps on a landmine. And the landmine goes underground.

[David Lucas]

We gotta turn it up for these, bro. You Harley. It's hard to roast your old Canadian ass. You look like a preacher rooster. Get the up

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Garland Williams somehow summons being a roach ghost God. Anytime David Lucas is in front of him.

[David Lucas]

I think this only time he really go hard is when I blame my black ass up here.

[Harlan Williams]

That's right, buddy. Look at you. Holy. You're like an Orange Julius that got tagged. What are you sucking on?

[David Lucas]

Is that a vape? You want to hit it?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, give me a hit. It's the only guy in the world that vapes. And it tastes like Thanksgiving dinner.

[David Lucas]

What do it taste like, Harlan?

[Harlan Williams]

Tastes like it was in your ass. What the hell is that?

[David Lucas]

It's called fab, you old.

[Harlan Williams]

It's called what?

[David Lucas]

Fab.

[Harlan Williams]

Did you call me old? M. Yeah. Well, screw you, fat honky. I would blow a smoke ring, but you'd probably think it's an onion ring ring and eat the thing.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh my God.

[David Lucas]

The roast master right here. It is true love you, bro.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

The most fun showdown.

[David Lucas]

It's impossible to roast that bro. He's a character. He don't give a how his hair look.

[Shay Freeman]

He.

[David Lucas]

He just come up here. He is dressed like Rocky Balboa when he got that new Corvette or Thunderbird, whatever the fuck it was.

[Harlan Williams]

I hear you're in the new Star Wars. They've created a new character. Jabba the Pizza Hut.

[David Lucas]

Fluffy, say something. God damn. Help me out.

[Jack Shaw]

No.

[Tony Scar]

Are you kidding me?

[Gabriel Iglesias]

This is all man.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah.

[David Lucas]

Damn it.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

I'm waiting for you to take shots at me.

[Chris Aguilar]

Yeah.

[David Lucas]

You look like a Mexican turkey ready to go in the oven. Bitch your ass. They got that nigga injected with tahim and chamoy. I gotta roast somebody else. Harlem destroyed.

[Harlan Williams]

Dude, you got so much gravy dripping out of your pores you could roast yourself.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh my God.

[David Lucas]

Harlem makes me hot.

[Audience Member]

You?

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

He is the only one that ever stumps you. I've never seen anything like it in the history.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's like.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

It's like 145 punches landed for Harlan and like. Like 14 for you.

[David Lucas]

I can never get this thing.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Nobody is the only guy to have an advantage on you. And he literally has your number, which I think is 575.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that your weight?

[David Lucas]

Hell, yeah, it is.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

David, whether it's you crushing or setting other people up like this to win, every single time you're on this show, you elevate it.

[David Lucas]

Yes.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Which is incredible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He just. He just rubbed his head with the grocery store receipt, and I just wrapped

[David Lucas]

on my first feature, bro. They saw me on Kill Tony, and, bro, it comes out of October, man. So, like, what? Whatever you feel about us, bro. Tony is really making stars out this, bro. He wants everybody to succeed.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Damn right.

[David Lucas]

Hell, yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I love you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make it.

[Harlan Williams]

Love you, too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make it. Make it some noise.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

One more time into a dome for

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the Kil Tony hall of Famer David. Lights out, Lucas. All right.

[Harlan Williams]

The only guy in the world who has underwear. Large, Extra large. And bouncy house.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This looks like it's going to be good as.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Make some noise for Greg the Blind man, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Greg it the Blind man.

[Greg the Blind Man]

Hey, how's it going? All right. Am I facing you guys? All right, all right, all right. Hey, how's it going? Nice to see you all.

[Wesley Brenner]

Yeah.

[Greg the Blind Man]

Forgive me if I up up here, because I'm pretty high, man.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I am.

[Greg the Blind Man]

Yeah. It's no secret. I like to smoke weed. I do. How many of you guys out there like to smoke weed? Raise your hand. How many of you guys raise your hand to a blind man? That's up, man. Hey, but the weed be with me sometimes, man. It does. Just like the other day, I got really high. I got so high that I thought I could see. I thought I had my fucking vision back, man. I got so excited, I ran to go tell my wife. Ran right into a fucking wall, man. My wife comes in, she's like, what's all the commotion? I'm like, I thought I could see. She's like, damn, Greg again. But I do want to leave you with one thing, though. Very important. If you guys ever live with someone blind, there's one thing you guys should never do, and that's leave a fucking plunger in the toilet. Try to explain that to the doctor. Thank you. My name is Greg Garcia, and I

[Brian Redban]

go by the blind man.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Greg Garcia, the blind man has arrived. Welcome, Greg.

[Greg the Blind Man]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you been blind your whole life?

[Greg the Blind Man]

No, I've been blind for 14 years already.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What happened 14 years ago?

[Greg the Blind Man]

Just lost a sight. Diabetes.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Ron White]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

Damn.

[Damien Regal]

I know.

[Greg the Blind Man]

Yep.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

How long you been doing stand up?

[Greg the Blind Man]

I've been doing it for, like, about Two years, two and a half years.

[Joseph Garcia]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You love it?

[Greg the Blind Man]

I love it. You know what? Doing it got me out of my depression from going blind.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah.

[Louis Ooze]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I love that.

[Martin Phillips]

Beautiful.

[Greg the Blind Man]

I always stand. NAFTA was. It's the best medicine ever. Yeah, dad in weed, you know.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Are you based out of here? Los Angeles?

[Greg the Blind Man]

No, I'm from Indio. From the.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, wow.

[Greg the Blind Man]

California.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Look at that. Way up there, huh?

[Greg the Blind Man]

Yeah. In the desert. Yeah, it's down there. It's.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

It's okay.

[Greg the Blind Man]

You guys ever heard of it?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you do for.

[Sponsor Voice]

What do you have it. What do you do for work, Greg? Is. That's a crazy question.

[Greg the Blind Man]

No, it's not a crazy question. I drive. I drive for Uber.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You got me.

[Greg the Blind Man]

Yeah, I just stick my cane out the window and I just.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

I will be walking home tonight.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about your wife?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

How long you been with her?

[Greg the Blind Man]

34 years.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

34 years.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Louis Ooze]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Amazing. You guys have kids?

[Greg the Blind Man]

We got three kids and I just. Brand new, grandpa. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, look at that.

[Louis Ooze]

Yeah.

[Greg the Blind Man]

Excited about that. I love my little juju. I call it jujubee.

[Ron White]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

34 years with your wife. You ever wish you were deaf?

[Brian Redban]

Nah.

[Dedrick Flynn]

You know what?

[Greg the Blind Man]

But she's. She's a good woman, man. She's a good woman. She's a real good woman. I love her to death.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

She stood by it through it all. That had to be quite the process.

[Greg the Blind Man]

Stood by my side even when I lost my sight.

[Ron White]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Stuck by you. Either that or she has really quiet sex with another man.

[Greg the Blind Man]

Right?

[Damien Regal]

Yeah.

[Ron White]

Yeah.

[Greg the Blind Man]

Yeah. For reals.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

What was the last thing you remember seeing?

[Sponsor Voice]

Good question.

[Audience Member]

Me.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Thank you.

[Greg the Blind Man]

Yeah, that is a good question. I think the last thing I seen was me naked.

[Harlan Williams]

I would have gone blind too.

[Greg the Blind Man]

Yeah.

[Ron White]

You know.

[Harlan Williams]

Do you read Braille?

[Greg the Blind Man]

Huh? No, I don't read Braille. I can a little bit, but not that good.

[Ron White]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

You ever walk up to pimply faced teenagers and read their face?

[Greg the Blind Man]

That's funny. No.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Greg, was there something that, like, you loved when you had diabetes that you just couldn't give up?

[Sponsor Voice]

Were you like addicted to Four Locos or something? Like what.

[Audience Member]

How.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What type of diet?

[Greg the Blind Man]

I used to like to drink a lot and could never put down the sodas. Ah, yeah, man. Loved it.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah.

[Sponsor Voice]

You still drink? Sometimes.

[Greg the Blind Man]

Occasionally. Just every now and then. But I've been keeping my health, you know, pretty good.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah.

[Greg the Blind Man]

Yeah.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Do you ever eat Ses candies?

[Greg the Blind Man]

Funny. Oh, sorry you forgot the drums.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Now we can. Thanks, Michael. Michael, thank you.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Amazing.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Amazing.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Greg, you. You Crushed up here. You're so funny. I love your story. I love how you're doing things, man.

[Ron White]

Tony, Tony, Tony.

[Greg the Blind Man]

I got something for your bass player. I got. I brought him a little something, man.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay.

[Sponsor Voice]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

The great D Madness over here.

[Greg the Blind Man]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Representing two blind guys absolutely crushing on stage tonight.

[Greg the Blind Man]

I love that, what he's doing. He's a real inspiration to the blind people out here. Holding it down right here in your set would kill Tony.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah.

[Greg the Blind Man]

Hell, yeah, man.

[Mario Bosco]

Yeah.

[Greg the Blind Man]

Big fan of his. Yes, sir. I got him a little device. I call it the Blind man device. Picked it up at a store. It's always an icebreaker. It's always a conversation. It's something like this. So I would love to give him something like that, you know?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You got it. Yeah.

[Greg the Blind Man]

I'd like to give it to him. I like to see him, meet him eye to eye if I can.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Well, I got news for you. He's 15 steps behind you. Heidi, come on out here and introduce those two. Pretty magical moment.

[Greg the Blind Man]

Hey, who's this?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

That's Heidi.

[Greg the Blind Man]

Heidi.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

That's not D Madness.

[Ron White]

Okay.

[Greg the Blind Man]

Are we going somewhere?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Even though they do both have a juicy ass.

[Greg the Blind Man]

Sorry.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

The great Gabriel Iglesias, ladies and gentlemen. Hell yeah. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

D Madness is a legend.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

How about one more time for D Madness? He is indeed a hero to blind people. Hell yeah. They're about to shake hands. And there it is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Greg the Blind Man. Man, meeting the madness.

[Audience Member]

Get this honky away from me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This. All right?

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Should we bring the girl up to kiss him?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What?

[Poncho Molar]

Nothing.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I forgot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here's a medium joke book.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, that was. Christ, that was close.

[Sponsor Voice]

Everybody.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Right off Heidi's hot tit.

[Sponsor Voice]

There goes Greg the Blind Man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One more time for Greg the Blind man, everybody.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Good job, Greg.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's have some more fun. I'm gonna bring to the stage the greatest golden ticket winner in the history of the show, ladies and gentlemen. You know him very well. He's here to do it again.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen, is here live in the flesh.

[Ari Matti]

Hey,

[Wesley Brenner]

what's up?

[Martin Phillips]

What's going on?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay.

[Martin Phillips]

Sick. Ever, ever hop out. I tried to act hot buttoned my garage by turning on my car and didn't work. Like I thought it was difficult. I but still got fucked up. So that's all the matter.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay.

[Martin Phillips]

I went there corporate magic in my act literally saw the magic is modern medicine. Let's see they save her. Okay.

[David Lucas]

Okay.

[Martin Phillips]

If I had a time machine by the time of shame I go back in time and I would circumcise Baby Hitler. Everybody's like, kill baby Hitler. I'm like, convert. Get him on your side. You know, he could get a lot done. So Bada bing.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay, that's a great premise. Convert baby Hitler. Why would you kill him when you

[Sponsor Voice]

can fucking utilize him?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Have him kill the Germans.

[Martin Phillips]

It sounds good.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Martin, I love this get up you have tonight. Is this your LA fucking attire?

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, in the building.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Have you been having fun this trip?

[Martin Phillips]

It's been okay.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Why? Why do you say it like that? What happened?

[Martin Phillips]

They towed my car.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, shit.

[Martin Phillips]

I know. I just were at the parking sign. I scanned the app and I couldn't pay after 3:00pm So I thought, oh, shit. Free parking after 3:00pm but turns out it means towing after 3:00pm Damn. Yeah, I hear that's your LA experience is getting your car towed.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Did you have your handicap placard on the.

[Martin Phillips]

Dude, I respect it at all in this podcast, you know.

[Audience Member]

Damn.

[Martin Phillips]

Trust me, I always make sure I put that shit up.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Okay?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

So, yeah, I always make sure I put mine up. And then I try to walk like you away from the car.

[Martin Phillips]

You know, you got to do. You know. Yeah, but you know, totally. This for Netflix. It's a joke. So yet again, I want to pitch another movie idea of mine. Okay, so this movie is either a raunchy comedy or it could be a porno. It just depends on the direction you take it in. Okay, okay. So it starts out, this guy, he's cleaning his grandpa's basement, and he finds an old book. And he can't. He can't decipher what the writing is. And he tries to say it out loud. And it turns out it's a book of spells. And he turns his cat into a human. And the human is like a hot chick. So then he's conflicted whether he should have sex with this new hot chick. Cause he also knows it's his cat. And, you know, in the end, he kind of gains confidence in himself and learns it talk to him because he almost tries to fuck his cat. Anyway, it's called. It's called that. What? New cap.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Wow. I just got word they just towed your car again because of that. No, Martin, you're fantastic. You're an unstoppable force. We love you. Did you have any other movie pitches

[Martin Phillips]

or anything like the movie? Everybody accept it's the President of the United States. So what?

[Audience Member/Interjector]

What you say?

[Martin Phillips]

The airbod. Except he becomes the President of the United States of America.

[Shay Freeman]

Okay.

[Martin Phillips]

Because, you know, that's not in the Constitution, you know.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

All right. I think Martin's On. I think Martin's on ketamine tonight, everybody. No. We love you. One more time for the great Martin Phillips, everybody. Doing the Intuit Dome in Los Angeles. We love Martin, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We fucking did it. There's only one comedian left. Are you guys ready for it?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Unfortunately, the great William Montgomery again couldn't make it tonight. However, there is one final comedian, ladies and gentlemen. You know him and you know him well. He's a man who ever since his first appearance on the show, is absolutely dominated. And he has his own rule set where he gets to basically do whatever he wants. Wants to do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

An unstoppable force that sells out all over the world. After his appearances on Kill.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

a force of nature unlike anyone else in the history of the show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here to close us out tonight. Make some noise for the one and only Timmy. No brace.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Make some fucking noise, Los Angeles. Sit down. Sit down. What a beautiful night. What a beautiful group of people. I'm so excited. We are here to celebrate the best roaster of all time.

[Audience Member]

Me

[Timmy No Breaks]

and I will be conducting the official roast of Tone Hinchcliffe tonight here live on Netflix. Well, maybe not on Netflix. I did not know Adam Ray was essentially doing the same fucking thing. Start the timer. Red Band. Look, we could have done this in a lot of different places.

[Audience Member]

We.

[Timmy No Breaks]

We really could have. But to chose the Intuit Dome because when Tone's given dome, he's into it. No, seriously, this guy's more buttholes than a crunch rap supreme.

[Ari Matti]

Boom.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Red band knows what I'm talking about. Look, Pone looks like a ventriloquist dummy, but when he put a hand in his ass, he just says, incredible. He's gay. He's a gay man. Pone is a queen. He looks like if a drag queen fucked a band queen in the bathroom of a Dairy Queen in Queens and gave birth to a drama queen whose first words were yes, Queen. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Remember when you took that from me, you motherfucker? That was fucked up.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Speaking of fuck ups, Redban is here, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, this is. This is my impression of Red Band having sex.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, fuck. She woke up

[Timmy No Breaks]

pretty good. Big pop. Big pop. Guys, give it up for fucking Heidi. She's been doing a great job all night. People talk shit about her, but I fucking love that bitch. I mean, people say blondes are dumb. I don't agree with that. Heidi scored very highly on her STDs. Boom.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, and be sure to check out

[Timmy No Breaks]

Heidi and Valerie's new show. I think it's. I Think it's called Skankfest. Bomb the horse. And let's not forget D Madness, everybody. The fucking legendary D Madness. D Madness is blind and black, so he definitely has not seen his kids. Let's be real. Let's keep it real. On that note, and this is also real. I was told Kevin Hart was gonna be here, but, you know, like D Madness, he didn't show up. So, Harlan Williams, you will be Kevin Hart for the rest of this roast. Kevin's so short and black, I call him David Lucas. Life expectancy, boom. Double black road. Two black guys, one joke. Kevin has to get on his tippy toes, deep push, okay? Not because he's short. You just have to be extra quiet when you're cheating on your fucking wife. Take that, bitch. Okay, so everybody on this date tonight sent me their jokes. They want to do them as part of the roast. Kevin, you sent me a joke, so I'm going to have you go first. Give it up for Kevin Hart, everybody.

[Audience Member]

Hey, how's it going, everybody? Where my black people at? Where my white people at? Where my fat people at? That one was for David Lucas.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay, so I gotta read this. Okay? Yeah.

[Audience Member]

Yo, ho up, ho up. I'm gonna be 100 with y'.

[Ari Matti]

All.

[Audience Member]

Ain't never seen a kill like that. Give it up for Timmy. Hey, yo, check it out. Let me talk. Look at this hot dog skin. You know, if Tony getting his dick sucked, he the type of motherfucker to be like, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. Let me show you how to do that.

[Harlan Williams]

Thanks. I wrote that.

[Audience Member]

You know, Tony's ass should be called Red Bear. You little red ass motherfucker. Tony, why you red? Does grown ass black men like you make you nervous ass?

[Harlan Williams]

I didn't write that one.

[Audience Member]

Hey, Tony's face baby looking like ass. We Gucci. More like Gucci Gucci goo. Little baby F face looking ass. Thank you. I'm mark norman.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah.

[Timmy No Breaks]

That was incredible. I mean, that was so good, Kevin. Very good job. One more time for Kevin Hart, everybody. All right, your next roaster is known for licking his fingers after he takes a shit. Give it up for fucking Red Band, everybody.

[Brian Redban]

Make it loud for fucking Red Band. Wake the fuck up. Make some noise. Make some noise.

You know, I spent a lot of time doing VR vaginal rape.

[Ari Matti]

Make some noise.

[Damien Regal]

Come on.

[Brian Redban]

I had to marry an Asian woman because her squinty eyes can't see how ugly I am.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some noise.

[Joseph Garcia]

Every.

[Brian Redban]

Every time I leave the strip club, I have stains on my pants. Dance, but it's from the buffalo wings. Another guy's.

[Audience Member]

Come

[Brian Redban]

make some noise.

[Timmy No Breaks]

This crowd sucks.

[Louis Ooze]

Guys,

[Timmy No Breaks]

to bring this to a close, we have one roaster and I think you know who it is. He looks like a jazz dancer who invented jizz hands. He is literally celebrating, and this is true, his 19th year doing stand up comedy. I am talking about the one and only Pone Hinchcliffe.

[Brian Redban]

He's gonna show up us how it's

[Timmy No Breaks]

done tonight with the jokes that he sent me.

[Brian Redban]

He's going to close it out. Everybody on your feet for the king.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Thank you. Timmy, you made a big mistake giving this hungry wolf the mic. Let me show you how it's done. Red band's club has high ceilings. Red band, you're not supposed to give your ceilings weed again. I.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

All right.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okie dokie. Okay, I'm gonna try out one of the roasts from the Kevin again.

[Brian Redban]

Yo, shut the up. This is let the king work. Shut the up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is all written by Timmy.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

No breaks, ladies and gentlemen. So play along, everybody. Okay, I'm going to try out one of the roasts from the Kevin Hart thing. Here it goes. Kevin works out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Too bad his movies aren't also having

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

enough success so that people consider them to also be working out in the same sense as his exercise.

[Brian Redban]

Guys, give him another chance. He knows he's going to get it back. Guys, give him another chance.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Timmy, no breaks is here.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Love that guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bring, bring. Hello, Mr. President.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

What?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

There's a food shortage because red band ate all the food, so there isn't any left.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, now we're going to do

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

a 30 minute Q& a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who has a question?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Timmy, no breaks, everybody. He produces his own segments and writes everything.

[Audience Member]

Thank

[Timmy No Breaks]

guys, I have nothing else to say. That was really bad. I thought it was going to be a lot better.

[Brian Redban]

You're the best. I have so much fun with you. Stay gay la. Yeah, Timmy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No breaks, ladies and gentlemen. And what a way to end tonight's episode. How about a hand for the guy

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

with a mop that's looking around with a running around. He's the hero of the night. Did you guys have fun tonight, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a long episode. How about one more time for Teddy Swims? Jelly roll. Dedrick Flynn, Ron White, Tony Hinchcliffe, ladies and gentlemen, believe it or not, this is ADAM Ray, everybody. Dr. Phil, everything in between. The great Adam Ray.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Kill Tony hall of famer, Fiona Collie. Tony Scar, Joe derosa, Christina Mariani, Ari Matty, David Lucas, Martin Phillips. So many greats tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How loud can this place get for the great and powerful guest of the

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

year 2025, Harlan Williams, ladies and gentlemen.

[Harlan Williams]

Don't forget We Wingman. Wingman May 26th. Stream it. You're going to love it. Wingman. Thank you, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And how about one more time for one of our favorites. Front Runner 2026 Guests of the Year, one of the best of all time, Gabriel Ingles, ladies and gentlemen.

[Gabriel Iglesias]

And in case you guys are wondering where I was, I walked the blind guy all the way to his car.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's check out the the art from our artist. That's local artist Ryan J. Ebel, drawing all the way from the beginning of the show. And the great Chris Rogers from Austin, Texas. We did it again, Red band. It's great being back in la.

[Brian Redban]

I missed you guys.

[Shay Freeman]

Love you.

[Brian Redban]

Thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We love you. We missed you. Come see us again. Madison Square Garden, August 7th and 8th, Austin, New Year's Eve tickets going on sale for that soon. Dallas, Houston, everything. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody.

[Jack Shaw]

Sa.