#755 - DR. PHIL + GREG FITZSIMMONS + SAL VULCANO

Summary

Kill Tony #755 Summary

Guests: Dr. Phil, Greg Fitzsimmons, Sal Vulcano
Date: February 10, 2026
Venue: Comedy Mothership, Austin, Texas
Main Theme:
A classic Kill Tony episode packed with irreverent live stand-up, on-the-spot roasts, and wild crowd work. Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban, regulars, and an electric panel of guests (Dr. Phil, Greg Fitzsimmons, Sal Vulcano) riff with bucket-pulled comedians and regulars, with running themes of confidence, real-life struggle, and the absurdity of the open mic comedy hustle.

---

Episode Overview

This episode delivers the signature Kill Tony format: open-mic hopefuls are randomly drawn (“bucket pulls”) to perform short stand-up sets, followed by panel interviews blending brutal honesty, support, and irreverent jokes. With Dr. Phil returning as a Kill Tony favorite alongside comedy veterans Greg Fitzsimmons and Sal Vulcano (Impractical Jokers), the night zigzags between inside jokes, surprisingly touching moments, and trademark Kill Tony roast culture.

---

Key Moments and Segments

1. Panel & Regular Introductions (02:06–06:46)

• Tony Hinchcliffe and Redban introduce Sal Vulcano and Greg Fitzsimmons, playing up their tours and projects.
• Panel welcomes Dr. Phil with comedic flourish—he tosses Magnum condoms into the crowd:

  “One might be open. I got bored in the Delta lounge. Hold on to these two for later.”
  — Dr. Phil (05:24)

---

2. William Montgomery (Regular) Opens the Show (07:02–14:04)

• William, a Kill Tony Hall of Famer, starts with his high-energy, oddball comedy, mixing wordplay and absurdity.
• Jokes about “doxing,” being catfished, and flat-earthers.
• William candidly shares about battling a mental funk and returning to rowing:

  “I've started rowing again, and I've done 60, 65 miles. Six days, Tony!”
  — William Montgomery (09:18)

• Panel riffs on William’s unique vintage vest (“looks like little nachos”) and rowdy banter ensues.

---

3. Bucket Pulls—Notable Stand-Up & Interviews

Sancho Pancho Villa (15:04–24:14)

• Self-deprecating short-guy material, jokes about dating tall women and urinals.
• Reveals background as a Marine and humorously brags about dating larger women:

  “If she's not 180, she ain't a lady. You know what I'm saying? Let's go.”
  — Sancho Pancho Villa (20:27)

• Hilarious on-stage weigh-ins with Sancho, Tony, and Redban comparing weights.

Mario Zapata (24:36–33:45)

• Mixes risky jokes (offensive wordplay, race/religion observations), described by the panel as “confident” and “topical.”
• Greg and Sal prod Mario about his “buckle up” catchphrase and penchant for edgy material.
• Reveals he makes “giantess porn” with his (tall) wife and edits wedding videos—draws a big reaction.

Robert Carroll (34:11–41:20)

• 60-year-old first-timer, openly “shrooming” on-stage.
• Shares losing 80 pounds, background acting, and getting started in comedy "after going broke."

  “How many times can a 60 year old man jerk off in one afternoon? 38. The answer’s 38.”
  — Robert Carroll (34:29)

• Panel attempts to unravel Robert’s wild, fragmented storytelling.

Tariq Morales (42:01–49:11)

• Risqué material about race, Tesla, and identity—clarifies controversial setup.
• Interview fixates on his mysterious "red/green" button-pushing remote work job:

  “They come in... I hit like green or red. Childcare, and then—”
  — Tariq Morales (43:57)

• Shares stories about dating, being new in Austin, and a disastrous date with a female bodybuilder.

---

4. Regular Segment – Dedrick Flynn (49:59–60:31)

• Standout set about hating “self-driving ass cars” and the perils of falling asleep drunk in a Waymo.

  “They took my phone, unlocked it with my face, and called my mama.”
  — Dedrick Flynn (51:26)

• Panel discusses Atlanta street violence, wild bar tales (“a sock attached to a string as a weapon”), and cultural touchstones.

---

5. Further Bucket Pull Highlights

Teja (Tai J) (60:36–68:45)

• Jokes about sleeping with his first white woman, premature ejaculation, and family dynamics with a biracial/blended background.
• Shares work as an electrician and family stories, with Dr. Phil probing into his sexual honesty and coping skills.

Greg McCowan (68:47–79:04)

• Playful Android vs. iPhone bit (“I have a dream…”).
• Reveals living in a homeless shelter by choice to pursue Austin comedy; candid discussion of struggling for opportunities.

  “I, I live at the homeless shelter that's like right down the street from here.”
  — Greg McCowan (74:13)

• Real talk on life at the shelter, the food, and watching “crackhead energy.”

Jack Shaw (Golden Ticket Winner) (79:11–85:03)

• Jewish “identity” material and props segment (“chew props”—including a Hasidic gas mask, “Oinkment”).
• Good-natured in-jokes about Jewish stereotypes and the panel’s running Jewish references.

Layla Engels (109:47–124:17)

• Jokes about confidence, being single, and using OnlyFans to fund comedy hustle:

  “It started out very wholesome...then they'd be like, get your tits out. If you're not doing anal, we won't listen.”
  — Layla Engels (114:41)

• Discusses navigating the request/demand terrain on OnlyFans (never “spread,” frequent posts, feet requests), and clarifies it enables more stage time.
• Dr. Phil invites her on stage to upcoming shows—panel applauds the entrepreneurial grind.

Timmy No Breaks (Closer) (125:26– end)

• Returns as a crowd favorite, parodying previous joke structures, energetically mocking the show format, and debuting his “entourage”—culminating in musical improv with Dr. Phil.

  “I call him gay.”
  — Timmy No Breaks (128:17)

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dr. Phil tossing out condoms: “One might be open. I got bored in the Delta lounge.” (05:24)
• William Montgomery: “I finally have been in a horrible funk... I've started rowing again…” (09:18)
• Sancho Pancho Villa: “If she's not 180, she ain't a lady.” (20:27)
• Mario Zapata on his giantess porn: “I make giantess porn with my wife.” (32:10)
• Robert Carroll embodying chaos on shrooms: “How many times can a 60 year old man jerk off in one afternoon? 38.” (34:29)
• Dedrick Flynn: “They took my phone, unlocked it with my face, and called my mama.” (51:26)
• Greg McCowan: “I live at the homeless shelter that's like right down the street from here.” (74:13)
• Layla Engels: “It started out very wholesome… then they'd be like, get your tits out. If you're not doing anal, we won't listen.” (114:41)
• Timmy No Breaks: “Make some noise for my album, you retard.” (127:24)

---

Show’s Energy & Running Gags

• The panel leans into self-deprecation and inside jokes (repeated “buckle up,” “sorry grandma,” jokes about bucket pulls, weight, and sexual prowess).
• Dr. Phil’s mock book chapters (“Chapter 25. Fat bitches are people too.” 20:30; “Black people have quarters.” 60:00).
• Multiple discussions of OnlyFans, working odd jobs (or not at all), living out of cars or in shelters, never missing the chance for a roast.
• Regular roster and audience members join in via recurring, crowd-sourced bits (on-stage weigh-ins, “foot” fetish jokes, improv singing, telephone role-play).

---

Episode Structure: Timestamps for Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment/Event |
|-----------|--------------| | 02:06 | Panel intros (Sal Vulcano, Greg Fitzsimmons)
| 05:14 | Dr. Phil entrance & condom giveaway
| 07:02 | William Montgomery regular set
| 15:04 | Sancho Pancho Villa bucket pull
| 24:36 | Mario Zapata ("buckle up")
| 34:11 | Robert Carroll, shrooming 60 year old
| 42:01 | Tariq Morales (Tesla, race jokes)
| 49:59 | Dedrick Flynn regular set, “Waymo story”
| 60:36 | Teja (Tai J), first white woman jokes
| 68:47 | Greg McCowan: homelessness revelations
| 79:11 | Jack Shaw golden ticket, “Jew props”
| 109:47 | Layla Engels, OnlyFans segment
| 125:26 | Timmy No Breaks closer, entourage & music bit

---

Tone & Language

The episode is fast-paced, raunchy, teasing, and supportive—a blend of dark humor, honest advice, deadpan delivery, and standing jokes. The panel “goes there” by pushing comics on self-awareness, confidence, and taboo topics, but also celebrates hustle, uniqueness, and perseverance.

---

Takeaways for New Listeners

• Expect the Unexpected: Sets range from chaotic to heartfelt, with interviews that can be both nurturing and brutal.
• Comedy Hustle Spotlight: Genuine moments on mental health, creative struggle, and the sacrifices new comics make—juxtaposed with wild roasts and rowdy crowd work.
• Panel Chemistry: Dr. Phil, Fitzsimmons, and Vulcano riff with comfort and wit, weaving recurring show traditions with hilarious off-the-cuff banter.
• Episode Standouts: William Montgomery and Dedrick Flynn’s clever regular sets, Layla Engels' OnlyFans narrative, Greg McCowan’s harrowing yet inspiring homeless grind, Timmy No Breaks' outlandish closer.

---

Overall:
A rollicking, quintessential Kill Tony episode—unapologetically raw, unpredictable, full of inside jokes, awkward honesty, and moments that give a glimpse into both the absurd and real struggles within the world of aspiring comics.

---

For more, check out Kill Tony's YouTube Channel, or visit tonyhinchcliffe.com for tour dates and tickets.

Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever, Shop Squad tv.

[Sal Volcano]

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[Redban]

Hey, this is Redneck coming to you

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

live from the comedy mothership here in

[Dedrick Flynn]

Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[Redban]

Get it for Tony Hitch.

[Greg McCowan]

Click.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? Thanks so much for buying. Right there. Oh, my goodness gracious. How exciting is this? You guys happy to be here or what? Oh, shit. Sounds amazing. We are brought to you by Shopify. This is indeed the number one live

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

podcast in the world. Before we get to all the chaos, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. We live in Austin, Texas, but we are jumping in a tour bus, ladies and gentlemen, and we are taking the actual Kill Tony show to Houston, Texas, February 28th and Dallas, March 28th. Go to tonyhinchcliffe.com for tickets right now. Come see an actual Kill Tony show in the great state of Texas. One in Houston, February 28th. One in Grand Prairie, March 28th. TonyHinchcliffe.com, get tickets now. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking episode or what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Every single week I book this mama Jama doesn't get.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, this is just so amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Two of our favorite guests in the

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

history of the show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some fucking noise for the great Sal Volcano and Greg Fitzsimmons. Oh, my God. Yeah, baby.

[Redban]

Greg Fitzsimmons, Sal Volcano.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Very exciting stuff, ladies and gentlemen. Sal Volcano is on tour.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Salvolcanocomedy.com he's doing the Ryman theater in Nashville.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's got a brand new season of the impractical jokers coming out on tbs. Thursdays on tbs.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And his podcast Minouche is available everywhere.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Greg Fitzsimmons, one of the greatest guests in the show's history, touring fitzdog.com.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

he's in Philly, Lexington and Houston coming up very soon. How you guys feeling? You excited to be here?

[Sal Volcano]

I'm so excited. Hell yeah, I'm excited. Are you guys excited?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah, it's Kill Tony.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Are you guys excited or what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

These thick Latinas love the impractical jokers. Sladies screaming Sal's name over and over again.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Little fucking the tortas. Love you, Sal. You guys know how the show works. 300 plus comedians are stacked on top of each other in a bar right next door. And if I pull one of their names out of this bucket, our trusty assistant goes, grabs them. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted on stage. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

the angry West Hollywood bear, which is just loud and annoying and cuts them off. And then I conduct an interview. We find out more about their real life or their careers or anything really that I find interesting about them. I'm so excited about this, Sal and Greg. I mean, we have you guys. It literally just does not get any better than this.

[Redban]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. There he is. The 2024 guest of the year. Oh, my God. Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed the 2024 guest of the year. Dr. Phil is here, ladies and gentlemen.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Oh, I'm out of breath. I'm out of breath. But I brought some treats. We don't need any more red bands out there.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dr. Phil is throwing out Magnum condoms.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

One might be open. I got bored in the Delta Lounge. Hold on to these two for later.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dr. Phil live in the flesh. Literally recognized as one of the greatest guests in this. Well, what was that?

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Monkey pox.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness gracious.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We didn't even get to hang out yet. How'd you get those?

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Sad to be back to.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's been way too long, Dr. Phil.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've been out selling out all around the world.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Did it. We did it. We're going to Australia and Canada next year.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's right.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This year, the who is Me tour. Wow. That is. That's a wild thing that's happening.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Excited?

[Sal Volcano]

I'm excited.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Well, I guess you don't need one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's wild how you do.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

We're gonna keep it right here.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This is very exciting. Dr. Phil is here live in the flesh with Greg Fitzsimmons and Sal Volcano.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This episode is brought to you by Shopify. My goodness. I mean, what a start to this show. I mean, that's absolutely crazy.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

You gotta joke. Water.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah, we do.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Shouldn't quit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We absolutely do. We shake them up before the show

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

to add vibes and energy to the show.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

It's working.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's working. And it's squirting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what we call that. So what's amazing is that while this

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

is an incredible, perhaps one of the greatest starts of the show ever, why don't we take it one step further and have the first comedian be the record holder for all appearances, normally the

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

closer of the show, One of the few living members of the Kill Tony hall of Fame. Some people call him the Memphis Strangler. The Vanilla Gorilla, the Titan of Tacoma, the Weirdo of Washington. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery.

[William Montgomery]

My mother was watching the news the other night, and she heard people talk about doxing one another. She goes, honey, what is doxing? I said, oh, it's when two guys get in a ring and punch each other with their dicks. The waiter walks out and goes, who ordered the amberjack? I raised my hand, and he sets it down in front of me. I look and I say, wait, this has whiskers. Have I literally been catfished? Can you imagine if you were a flat earther, Like a depressed flat earther, and one day you tell your flat earther friends, I really can't take it anymore. I'm just gonna walk this way, and I'm never gonna stop. And they're all like, no, don't do it.

[Redban]

No.

[William Montgomery]

And then around 80 days later, you show up from the opposite direction, and you're in a hot air balloon, and you're like, guys, y' all are never gonna believe this. Okay, that's my time, Tony. Because the earth is round, Tony. That's why you would show up from the other end, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But that would mean that it's not flat, right?

[William Montgomery]

It would mean it's round. It's proving it's saying to his friend. It's ultimately teaching his friends that the earth is round.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right?

[William Montgomery]

It's kind of like a passion play. Oh, my gosh, Tony. I'm so nervous. Seriously. Going up first, I love it. It's. It's literally my favorite thing. But I'm so nervous right now because normally I have time up there to hang out and whatever, and, oh, my gosh, here we are.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So I love it. Yeah, I love it. Out of your comfort zone.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Proof that you can do it all you got. The show started with a bang.

[William Montgomery]

And, Tony, I do have to say I finally have been in a horrible funk. I'm still actually in a pretty bad funk in my brain, but I've. I've started rowing again, and I've done 60, 65 miles. Six days, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very good, William.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's 10 miles and some change per day.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

Listening to melancholy and the infinite sadness by Smashing Pumpkins the whole time.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Greg Fitzsimmons.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's.

[Janice]

Well, it's just great that you're rowing. I know you guys have a long history of that as well, but it's good to see that you're rowing.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

We'll be rpic. Take it from here, Greg. William, how is the. How's the AIDS going?

[William Montgomery]

It is not going good. That's part of why I'm in my funk. I messed up. I messed up. When I was in Vancouver last year, I allowed this guy to have sex with my ass. Literally with my ass. Seriously.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Well, it's good to mix things up.

[William Montgomery]

I know. It was fun. I was kind of in a funk. I've been in these bad funks and I've. I've. The puzzles don't help. Nothing really helps, but when I was having sex with that guy, it was crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that was fun.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Redband.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was that noise? Yeah, that was the noise you would have been making in the corner.

[William Montgomery]

Redban when you're watching my ass, you fucking weirdo. That's exactly what you would have been. And just in the corner wearing your fucking tank top, you fucking nasty weirdo. Your little blue tank top. Yeah. Have you ever seen it? Tony wears this little blue fucking tank top with these little swim trunks and

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

he acts like a little bad boy

[William Montgomery]

and he's showing everybody pictures of his fucking girlfriend's feet. Stop doing that. Seriously, stop doing that. He's doing that in the fucking green room before he even start tonight. That's part of why I'm nervous, Tony.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I did. I did walk by and you were showing somebody a picture of a foot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was that your girlfriend's foot? It's tradition. Anytime Greg's around, Janice shows her foot to him because he likes that. And. Wow, this is not a great start for Greg.

[Janice]

You know, there's certain things that stay in the grain room, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Whatever happened to taking it to the grave? Red band.

[Janice]

Yeah. Jesus Christ. Now I have to cut them off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I love it. William. So you've been rowing again?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, doing the rowing. Trying to hopefully please come see. I promise, if I've been to a city before, I have a whole different set. It's mainly new jokes. I've been. I've got to get my tickets. I got to get better at marketing. Tony has turned. I got to figure it out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, well, this. This.

[William Montgomery]

What did you just call me? A nacho vest or what did you say?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You should say everything. You should encourage your woman to say

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

everything that comes to the Front of her brain, sir. You're doing a really good job. The Lakers had always a dead giveaway for not having your woman under control.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Shut up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, seriously.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Seriously.

[Tariq Morales]

Whoa, whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm trying to have fun Red bands.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Throwing Greg under the bus.

[William Montgomery]

Weird of you, dude. Seriously, it's really weird. Why'd you.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Will. William, I get. I get what's happening with you right now. You're getting fired up, you're getting angry. You're getting more red, which I didn't think was possible. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Everyone else on right now.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Where can we get some of it?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That is.

[Sal Volcano]

But look, it looks like little nachos.

[Jack Shaw]

I know.

[Sal Volcano]

I see it.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Yeah, so maybe you're right.

[Robert Carroll]

I see it.

[William Montgomery]

I know you are right.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

All right, Sal, that's not how this works.

[Sal Volcano]

You guys all see those little nachos? Okay, we all see the nachos.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It is an incredible vest. William, what are you wearing?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Or.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It is award season and the world wants to know, where do you get a vest like that?

[William Montgomery]

So I literally clicked into ebay.com, my account. I click in vintage 90s Columbia vest, large.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Nailed it.

[William Montgomery]

And then I get a bunch.

[Timmy No Breaks]

And then.

[Scion Lazar]

Yes.

[Sal Volcano]

This shows. Was not in the keyword search.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Greg McCowan]

Wow.

[Sal Volcano]

Because the. The red little zags there, they look like little nachos.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They do. They do. It is absolutely incredible. William, always a master of style.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

It is a nice vest. You look like you're about to lead a safari for a bunch of kids who are definitely going to get molested.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, true.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Which isn't a. Which is a tough gig to get. So I want to compliment you on the.

[William Montgomery]

Thank you. Thank you so much.

[Greg McCowan]

True.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You look like the tour guide at Epstein Island.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

There it is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The guy that walks you off the dock when you pull up on the.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

On the show. We'll keep it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, everybody come in here.

[William Montgomery]

And it's just red being. Jacking off with all the. You weirdo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, William, you got the show.

[Robert Carroll]

Nice to meet you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got the show started with a bang, my friend. Unbelievable. Lights out. The great and powerful William Montgomery showing us how it's done. Now we go to the Bucket, everybody. Oh, my goodness. Oh, Dr. Phil getting his own book delivered to him. That is incredible. You do. You are a marketing genius. Philip C. McGraw, PhD. You and me, it's as easy as 1, 2, 3.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

I'll talk about that in my book.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. Page 73.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Page 73. If you can't rhyme, get the. Out of my garage.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, so the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, Your first bucket pool of the night is Sancho Pancho Villa with an uninterrupted minute.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

What's going on? Hell, yeah. So Even though I'm 5:1, I am into taller women, and so that can be hard. So I got these shoes that make me five three. Don't believe me? We'll call this mic stand five three. And now we're at five one. But even with the shoes, like, tall women are starting still hard to hit on. Like, I was hit on this one super tall girl. She was like 5 5. And she looks down at me and she's like, boy, you're so short. You would have to go up on me in the bedroom. I'm like, that's a weird way to ask if I keep a stepladder in my trunk. I'm like, girl, what do you think I'm wearing this shirt for? Like, I'm trying to eat my way to your heart. You know what I'm saying? But on the same note, I hate tall dudes who use the short urinal in the men's restroom. Because, like, now I'm over here having a tippy toe, fucking putting my chimichanga on the fuck over the rim. Like, how am I going to explain to a girl that I got crabs from a men's restroom? It doesn't work like that. Hey, I'm Sacho Pancho Villa. Thank you. That's my time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Adorable. Absolutely adorable.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

One of the largest full grown babies

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

to ever do stand up comedy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Ladies and gentlemen, giant when it comes to the weight class of babies, Sancho Pancho Villa.

[Lorenzo Tyrie]

What's up?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're standing at 51, is that what you said?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Yeah. Five three with the shoes on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Five' three with the shoes on. Incredible. When's the last time you measured yourself, like, height wise? Yeah,

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

yeah, Funny, funny.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

When I went to get my driver's license.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. You got one of those? Your people normally don't have one of those. Do you have car insurance, Sancho Panchobia?

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Yep.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Through usa. Let's go.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Shout out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, right.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Hopefully they lower my rate. I don't know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. Usaid, usaa, US aid. Aid.

[Redban]

Aa.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Like the military.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, got it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You were in the military?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Yes, sir. I'm a Marine.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. Absolutely incredible. What the hell were you doing in the Marines?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What was your specialty, man?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

I was an engineer company. So, like, we worked with generators. We built stuff. We blew it up. Like, I have more certifications than my cousin with three fake IDs. Like, I could do any Texas job.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow. Yeah. Amazing. Sancho Pancho, you've been on the show a few times before.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Yes, sir.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You get very lucky.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

I'm hoping to tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Now why the fuck did you do that?

[Tariq Morales]

Yeah.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Cause we're. We're pretty rocking the same haircut, Dr. Phil.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Like, come on, like, when did you go bald? Do you mind me asking?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Oh, probably when I was like, 19.

[Teja (Tai J)]

God damn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, man.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

And how it work out for you? How did you adjust, you know, with the comedy?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, well, there you go. I'm still struggling, obviously. So, Sancho Panchobia, you went bald at 19, standing at 5 foot 1. What do you think you did in this life or a past life for God to treat you like this?

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Question, Tony.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And he apparently also made you extremely horny. A lot of your act has to do with women. You just said you're hoping to get lucky tonight. When's the last time you got laid, Sancho Pancho?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

A week ago.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow. A week ago. Who was this? What was this innocent person? Where'd you meet this person at?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Just in my hometown, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was she married?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

This one wasn't. This one was not married.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That is true. We found out about you that you're into married women. You like wrecking other people's lives.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Listen, like, the door's already cracked open. I just walked through it. You know what I'm saying? Even if it's the dog door. Like, I'm. You know, the dog door is open.

[Sal Volcano]

You walk, right?

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

That was tonight's Doritos blooper of the night. Put it on the cutting room for sale.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What were you guys gonna say at the same time?

[Janice]

I was gonna say, yeah, he walked under the crack. He didn't have to go.

[Greg McCowan]

Oh, yeah.

[Sal Volcano]

I was gonna say, he walks right

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

through the dog, right? He does. He doesn't have to duck down or anything like that.

[Janice]

Work together.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We all have. We all have different doggy door jokes. For you, Sancho, that's a good sign. That's how you know you're a hot dude when. When you bring up a doghouse and we're all like,

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

you're adorable, Sancho. So you find that there's a lot of girls that are into whatever you are.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Women love a confident man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes, Tony, it is confidence. You do carry it well. When do you cry? When, like, do you let it out? Is there a moment ever? You work out, Sancho Pancho?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

I do. I'm down £10.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What have you been doing exactly? Explain to some of these people out here how they can lose Weight.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

I quit alcohol, so that was a big one. For now. Yeah. But on St. Patrick's Day, I dress up like a leprechaun, so, like, I'm one month away and I can drink again, so.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah, that's perfect.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

And then, yeah, quitting alcohol and then just working out every day, so, yeah, amazing. Back to benching 245. That's cool.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You bench 245?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow. Enough about your date from last week.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

If she's not 180, she ain't a lady. You know what I'm saying? Let's go.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

I talk about that in my book, chapter 25. Chapter 25. Fat bitches are People. Too Copy at your local Barnes. And no.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What's the biggest girl you've ever hooked up with before I let you go? Sancho Pancho?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

I'll probably Redburn. Probably. She's like 233. Probably.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Okay. That's an interesting guess.

[Sal Volcano]

Wait, wait. Sorry.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Not to be. Not. Not to be.

[Sal Volcano]

That was such a specific weight. Yeah, like you. That's something you knew. That's a down.233 is a very specific answer.

[Dedrick Flynn]

And that's how much I weigh.

[Sal Volcano]

Is it really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's my real weight. You really think so? Let's get the fucking scale out, everybody. No doubt about it. Oh, yeah.

[Redban]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. Come on.

[Redban]

There it is, Red Bear.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, it's too good. Oh, it's too good. Come on, Red man.

[Janice]

All right,

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So. So I will say I'm fully clothed, and that's. That was naked. He's wearing 27 pounds of clothing, everybody. Here. He is. My real guest, though. Oh, my God. My real guess is I weighed myself. Like, by the way, if a bucket pool gave this many excuses before getting on this, I might do it. I'm just gonna say I bet I weigh about 239.

[Jack Shaw]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. You're wearing your 233, everybody. Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen. He's been here for every episode of the show. Sal, read it off for me. When it comes up, it just says. All right. It says, ouch.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, We're.

[Sal Volcano]

Do you want me to report that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, report it.

[Sal Volcano]

251.4.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right, folks. He's wearing 17 pounds of clothing.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Hey, it's getting cold outside.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you mean? Sancho Pancho, get on that thing. Let's see what it says.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

All right. I'm gonna take my shoes off, though. I'm gonna take my shoes off.

[Jack Shaw]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

193.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

193

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

now, what do you mean?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You weighed in today?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What does that even mean?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you're right. This thing is pretty heavy. Yeah. Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm 165, 164.6.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Everybody give it up for Tony Hitchcliff, everybody.

[Redban]

Let's go.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What is this?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Kill Sancho Poncho? Give it up for me.

[Lorenzo Tyrie]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's about £10. You're right. I'll give you £10.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Maybe.

[Sal Volcano]

Take yourself a joke book, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's the lovely Heidi, everybody. And Sancho Poncho.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sancho Poncho, what size joke book did you get last time?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

I think you said, like, oh, a small joke book is the same size as a big joke.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you got a small one?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Yes, sir.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, today you're getting a medium one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's go, Sancho, Pancho Villa, everybody. There he goes. And the show is off and running. You weighed in at 2:33 today. No, 239 today. 2:39. Were you naked? Yeah. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. All right. Oh, it's the lovely Heidi, everyone. A lot of drinks coming tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys having fun out there? We got Dr. Phil, Greg Fitzsimmons and Sal Volcano, everybody. And a ton of water. An absolutely shocking amount of water on the table.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Can't have enough beverages.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your next bucket pole goes by the name of Mario Zapata, everyone. Mario Zapata.

[Mario Zapata]

How we doing, mother shiv?

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Hell, yeah.

[Mario Zapata]

A lot of crazy stuff going on in Minneapolis. Why is everybody mad at all these Somaliers? Kind of.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Why?

[Mario Zapata]

They whine a lot, but that's cool. Whatever. Don Lemon recently got arrested. That shit's crazy. Just goes to show you, when life gives you lemons, get legal aid. I don't know what he did, but whatever. All right, buckle in, guys. What is the difference between a Jewish person. And an undercover cop? You may never know you were talking to a cop.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Thank you.

[Mario Zapata]

All right, guys. I think the reason the word retarded is such an offensive word is because so many people are. You can see it everywhere. I saw a school that said, get your Ms. In business. And I'm like, who wants to run a board meeting with multiple sclerosis? Can you imagine standing in front of everybody going, this company is built on a solid foundation.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Mario Zapata, is this your

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

first time on the show?

[Mario Zapata]

It is not.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, you better. You look different or something.

[Mario Zapata]

Yes. I recently started shaving my head because I was looking like Angelica's Barbie doll.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, Dr. Phil.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

See, that's possible. You could do that at any point, Dr. Phil.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Yeah, well, if I look. If I look like I was about to shoot up an anthropology store, I'd also shave my head. Now, what I mean by that is, you came in hot.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

For a minute there, I thought you were running for office because you just kept being like, there's too many Jews, you know, and then you said. What was the last thing you said?

[Mario Zapata]

I think the reason the word the retarded is so offensive is because so many people are right.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Okay. And how do you feel about that joke? Like, when you say it out loud to the silence, does it feel I'm behind it, dude.

[Mario Zapata]

I know a lot of retarded people.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sal, what do you think about this guy?

[Sal Volcano]

Well, I like that you had topical stuff, so you're writing new stuff. And I like that you really went for jokes. You really did.

[Mario Zapata]

Thank you.

[Sal Volcano]

I will say, though, you know, I noticed that you told. I noticed that you told everybody to buckle up before one of the jokes, and then you really. I mean, it really didn't deliver. You know, that was. Say, just be mindful of that. Are you going to tell everyone to buckle up? Like, because the inference was that you were going to blow their fucking balls off with this next joke. And then it was really just a. Just a, you know, a real par. Type of joke. And so it's funny. I never saw anyone tell anyone. Buckle up for this next one. And then basically just. It was a very mellow. Mellow joke after that.

[Mario Zapata]

That was more for me.

[Sal Volcano]

It was more for you.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Okay, catchphrase, or did you just feel like coming out saying something sassy?

[Mario Zapata]

It does feel sassy, baby.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't know.

[Mario Zapata]

Maybe I could use it as a catchphrase.

[Layla Engels]

So.

[Mario Zapata]

Yeah, buckle up, guy. Hey, buckle up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Let me just say something real quick. Did you. You said that he said to buckle up and that it felt. I'll agree to disagree, Sal, because I feel like the comedy set was a little turbulent, and when you're on a plane, they tell you to buckle up because things aren't going to go according to plan, which is kind of.

[Timmy No Breaks]

No, no.

[Mario Zapata]

Buckle up, folks. Yeah. Hell, yeah.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

But you do have confidence, and that's important.

[Mario Zapata]

I appreciate it.

[Sal Volcano]

Buckle up, everybody. Jewish people will let you know they're Jewish.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, that's another. That's exactly what I was getting to next. You're good at spotting Jews.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Is that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is that what.

[Mario Zapata]

No, they usually tell me pretty quickly in a conversation.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They tell you they're Jewish. Oh, yeah. Where are you talking to these Jews at exactly?

[Mario Zapata]

Wherever I go.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wherever you go.

[Mario Zapata]

They're everywhere, right? I mean, like, oh, that sounds bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Starting to see why this guy shaved his head all the way.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Good Lord.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Lord. This guy.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Yeah.

[Robert Carroll]

Keep.

[Sal Volcano]

Keep talking, guys.

[Mario Zapata]

All right, this what I signed up for. Let's do it. Okay. I mean, people are everywhere, right? You'd run into different people everywhere.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It doesn't get much more racist than that. Everybody but these people are everywhere. I can't go anywhere without seeing these people.

[Mario Zapata]

Yes.

[Sal Volcano]

Okay, Mike, how about this?

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Who's your favorite type of person?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, that's a total nice people direction changing question. You just did Dr. Phil. Let's stick with the Jews here for a second,

[Mario Zapata]

okay?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Let's not shift at all. Doctor, let me ask you this. You're seeing them everywhere. This and that. Is there anything, Is there anything. You've noticed a way to spot Jews before they tell you that they're Jewish?

[Mario Zapata]

No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How long have you been doing stand up comedy?

[Mario Zapata]

I've been doing a stand up for six years. I've been doing comedy for 12. I used to do music, musical comedy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, well, you would sing.

[Sal Volcano]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You would write your own song, guitar

[Mario Zapata]

and stuff like that? Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You have any original songs?

[Mario Zapata]

I do.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, What. What notes are they in? What chord is it?

[Mario Zapata]

Most of them are in G because it's an open.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, you guys want to play an open G? Why don't you sing us something, Mario?

[Mario Zapata]

Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They'll follow you.

[Mario Zapata]

Here we are, me and my best friend out at the bottom bar and we're hammered again. And we're talking about all the girls we banged. We both drink until we can't see. Then my friend leans over and he says to me, hey, I love you, man. You're my bro. And I'm like, yeah, bro, I love you too. The part that's weird for me is he's telling me this while he's rubbing on my knee.

[Redban]

My name is Mario, and if you're having a bad time in the show so far, well, buckle up, buckle up. I'm dressed like I'm ready to go work the late shift at Home Depot. Buckle up, buckle up. Buckle up. Buckle up, everybody. And if you're driving drunk through the Taco Bell, make sure to call your dad, who's in hell, and say, dad, I'm gonna get that. That same order you used to get.

[Teja (Tai J)]

All right.

[Redban]

Hell yeah.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, Dr. Phil making Mario Zapata hilarious then, on Pandora.

[Mario Zapata]

Appreciate that, Phil.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Hell yeah.

[Redban]

Hell yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hell yeah, Mario Zap pata. So you did musical comedy. Now you just do stand up. Pure stand up. What do you do for work?

[Mario Zapata]

I edit wedding videos. I make porn and I write.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's stop right there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

When you say you make porn, what exactly do you. Buckle up.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Where was that personal stat before I improvised a shitty song.

[Mario Zapata]

Trying to be discreet. Yes, we talked about it last time.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We.

[Mario Zapata]

I make giantess porn with my wife.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, that's right. You have a big wife. And you.

[Mario Zapata]

Tall wife.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes, a tall wife.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Mario Zapata]

Big difference.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Big difference.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're not pulling a Sancho Poncho villa out here. You're.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're going for the tall girls.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Not.

[Mario Zapata]

Yeah, I like. I. I like to set the bar high.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Very interesting. And that's been good for you.

[Mario Zapata]

Fantastic, dude.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You guys are making good money.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Good money.

[Mario Zapata]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Have you ever thought about. You know, because those guys probably like the. Of the difference in height right. Between the two people. Have you ever thought about letting Sancho Pancho Villa join in?

[Mario Zapata]

Because I would charge him to be in the movie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That makes.

[Mario Zapata]

Probably love it. Oh, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right.

[Mario Zapata]

Somebody's gonna jerk off.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dr. Phil.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Where do we. Where do we. Is it all available online or is there a specific.

[Mario Zapata]

We're looking up films. Dot something. It's on. It's on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is that a dot org or something like that?

[Timmy No Breaks]

No, no, no.

[Mario Zapata]

Okay, it's on.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

You sure it's not too.

[Mario Zapata]

We sell it through square. We sell through square? Yeah.

[Sal Volcano]

You don't know the website of you and your wife's porn?

[Mario Zapata]

I copy and paste everything, dude. It's like, wow.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mario Zapata]

Looking up films.gov. yeah, look that up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Mario Zapata]

We're not doing great things.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Mario Zapata, our second extremely confident Latino in a. You as well. Yeah, it was good, Mario. You know what? I'll give you a big joke book. There you go.

[Mario Zapata]

I appreciate that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you get one last time?

[Mario Zapata]

No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, there you go. Boom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good catch. It's a little off. Little sticky one. There he goes. Mario Zapata, everybody. That's perfect, Mario. That's okie dokie. Well, there. All right, There he is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

12 years of comedy experience.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes. Mario Zapata, everyone.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, our next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. Goes by the name of Robert Carroll. Here we go. Robert Carroll.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, this looks like a new face. Make some noise for Robert Carroll, everybody.

[Robert Carroll]

A kill Tony. Wonderful.

[Redban]

So

[Robert Carroll]

I'm on shrooms. I gotta lead with that. Sorry. What are the odds? This is my second time I sign up.

[Dedrick Flynn]

There's no way.

[Robert Carroll]

They're picking me. I'm shrooming pretty hard, so give me a little benefit. Okay. So I got stuck here for the ice. Stayed at a goddamn hotel. Very nice hotel, but you know, how many times can a 60 year old man jerk off in one afternoon? 38. The answer's 38. 69 would have been funnier, but it's really 38. So the mushrooms thing, anybody do psilocybin? But God damn it sprouted.

[Redban]

Oh, yeah.

[Robert Carroll]

Anybody shrooming tonight?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Whoop, whoop.

[Robert Carroll]

Well, I am. That was a bad idea. It's gonna turn out fine, I'm sure. So I talked to all these young people and I'm like, psilocybin's legal now. And they're like, oh, that's so cute. Are you microdosing? And I'm like, no. I don't know what the fuck is a microdose. Is 7 grams a microdose?

[Layla Engels]

Go.

[Robert Carroll]

Yes. I guess I'm microdosing Anyway, I'm Robert Carroll. Thank y'.

[Greg McCowan]

All.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You gotta love A guy who, 50 seconds in, says, it's gonna turn out just fine.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Amazing. You're certainly dressed like you're on a bunch of mushrooms. This all checks out. Robert, grab that microphone. Let's talk about it, man. How long have you been doing comedy for?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I lied.

[Robert Carroll]

This is my absolute first time in front of a crowd and a microphone.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So there you go. Okay, perfect.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We got it. All right, great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you're 60 years old.

[BHC Tommy]

I'm six.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What made you want to start comedy now?

[Robert Carroll]

I went broke.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What?

[Robert Carroll]

I went broke.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, ladies, stop. Dude. Okay, relax. Did you hear the laugh?

[Greg McCowan]

That got.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Not at all. Shut the out. What is going on with the women in this room tonight? It is unbelievable.

[Robert Carroll]

Midline.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Some weird improv troupe.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Kamala loss, lady. Shut the up.

[Layla Engels]

God.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What the is going. Oh, this one's back now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Red band, very good. Wow. Can the ladies start heckling if Red band's going to jump in with his comedy?

[Robert Carroll]

I understood that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My God. Okay, Robert, what made you want to start here today?

[Robert Carroll]

It's a long story, but going broke, in short.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And just how did you go broke? Let's talk about it. It's okay. You're on the show.

[Robert Carroll]

Decades of working as a builder for the commercial construction industry built a little quiet there, Robert.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've really fizzled out. Years of working.

[Robert Carroll]

Fine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How?

[Robert Carroll]

The short version is I just suddenly realized, fuck it, I'm going to be 60 and if I keep scraping, things will be so them. I just literally went nuts. My Whole family. They've decided to keep me. Me, maybe. But like I said, I think it's gonna work out.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

I think he thinks he's in a Bed, Bath and Beyond right now. Is your talk. You gotta talk. I couldn't understand. I wanted to follow that story.

[Robert Carroll]

Well, it's a rambling bunch. I did lead with him on mushroom. I really thought mathematically the likelihood of me being on today was not very good. But I do function at a reasonably good level.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Mathematically, your odds are the same whether you're on or not on mushrooms. If you take an. An overload of mushrooms, that's when you wouldn't sign up.

[Robert Carroll]

I'm not sure about that. I'm not sure that's true. I'm here, man. I have my second try, and here you got it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you signed up last week as well?

[Robert Carroll]

I did. I was here for the ice storm.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What would you have talked about last week if you would have gotten pulled. Not on mushrooms. Were you on mushrooms?

[Robert Carroll]

I was on mushrooms.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So you were.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your whole plan was just to come

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

out and go, I'm on mushrooms.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I hope this goes okay.

[Robert Carroll]

And it has been working so far.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where. Where has it been working?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Have you been doing other open mics?

[Robert Carroll]

I mean, my bank accounts aren't looking very good, but everything else is pretty sweet.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Well, how'd you afford that scarf if you don't have any cash? You make that out of pubes and queeves?

[BHC Tommy]

It's.

[Robert Carroll]

Everything's negotiable.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

What the did that mean? I ain't trying to haggle that from you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is an impossible interview.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

That's a you purchase.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us a fun fact about your Life, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're 60 years old, and all you've said so far is, I'm on mushrooms.

[Robert Carroll]

Okay? I'm 60 years old. I'm a commercial builder. I'm a grandfather of three wonderful grandkids who I. We had play day Saturday. I was not on mushrooms for that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Robert Carroll]

I behave when the kids.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How often are you doing mushrooms nowadays?

[Robert Carroll]

Often as I can. Like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have found that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Are you dealing with some type of trauma or something like that?

[Robert Carroll]

Aren't we all? Yes. Yeah.

[Jack Shaw]

Like what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you give us some.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Some. Something compelling about your Life? You have 60 years to reference here.

[Robert Carroll]

Well, I lost £80 last year.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, well, that's so.

[Robert Carroll]

February 10th. Thank you. Thank you. And then somebody said, hey, you're kind of funny and you're kind of so. I've been. I was here because I was working on the show. Meemaw with Roseanne Barr. I don't know if I'm. Anyway, I was here as a background actor.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Robert Carroll]

I got stuck. Joe Ellis is someone you know. Joe said, hey, you should do Kill Tony. I came with her.

[Sal Volcano]

You didn't know if you were supposed to mention that you did background work on the show Mima. Who would want you to keep that to yourself?

[Robert Carroll]

Excellent point.

[Sal Volcano]

I'm trying to follow. I know, but I have one other question. Do you put on all the jewels after you take the mushrooms?

[Robert Carroll]

I was wearing these things before I was doing the mushrooms. But I do wear this pretty well all the time. I mean, I do not sleep strictly

[Sal Volcano]

aesthetic or do any of those things have a certain special meaning?

[Robert Carroll]

It's probably ocd. Once you start wearing them, then you're like, oh, I don't have that on. I'm sure my lips.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

When about in your life, did you start doing a lot of mushrooms?

[Robert Carroll]

Oh, well, I did a lot when I was in college back in the 80s. Talking about this new one recently, My son just graduated from college and he's got a degree in engineering.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A ballpark.

[Robert Carroll]

Oh, a year ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Year ago. Perfect. Let me ask you this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

When did you start wearing that type of jewelry? Exactly. What's around your neck? That type?

[Robert Carroll]

Probably two years ago.

[Mario Zapata]

Two years.

[Robert Carroll]

It was a fading set.

[Sal Volcano]

Answers, when did you become turquoise, Mr. T?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Cool.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Yeah, you've definitely got a Jeff Bridges. Jim Henson. About to get me, too, to the Wechel's pretzels type of vibe.

[Robert Carroll]

Jeff Bridges and Jeff Bridges, the other guy.

[Teja (Tai J)]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Robert, I've kept you up here way too long.

[Robert Carroll]

Well, thank you for putting up with me. God damn it. Snuck in and. And you didn't torture me. The crowd was great. I am going to do something.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're like, write.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Write a set.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, right, right, right. Jokes sometime, and then. And then you'll be back on, and

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

then we'll know something about you.

[Janice]

I love that you're on mushrooms. And now we all feel like we're on mushrooms.

[Lorenzo Tyrie]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Contagious.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dr. Phil's throwing him a Magnum condom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

He probably thinks it's a gummy worm.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There he goes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes. Robert Carroll, everybody.

[Teja (Tai J)]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing grandkids. There he goes. Hell, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There he goes.

[Greg McCowan]

Yeah.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Show him how to show Joe Biden how to get out of here

[William Montgomery]

is now dumber.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's tripping so hard. These old people doing mass amounts of mushrooms out of nowhere. Insane. Make some noise for your next bucket pool, everybody. It's Tariq Morales.

[Tariq Morales]

Hell, yeah. You guys remember when driving a Tesla made you a Nazi? I miss those days. I like being called a different type of N word, which is ironic. I'm from Idaho. That place is full of N words. I had to go out and buy myself a Tesla model.

[Janice]

Third Reich.

[Tariq Morales]

That's where I drive now. See, this joke is only fun and silly if you can remember that the N word means Nazi.

[Lorenzo Tyrie]

Right?

[Tariq Morales]

So anyway, I see this group of filthy fucking N words coming down the sidewalk and they were headed right towards me because I was screaming out N word. Lives don't matter. Yeah, I hate black people, but not as much as I hate those blonde haired, blue eyed N words. Thank you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, 50 seconds from Tariq Morales. Good job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anything after Robert Carroll's Amazing. Anything after an old man going, I'm on mushrooms. That's just incredible. At least you tried, Tariq. Amazing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

First time, Second time. Second time ever doing standup. What made you want to sign up?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no.

[Tariq Morales]

Second time on the show.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, it is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How did it go your first time?

[Tariq Morales]

It went well. Yes. I had a full 60 seconds. It was great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right. Okay. And how long ago was that?

[Tariq Morales]

Maybe November.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What did we find out about you then? What was the interview based around?

[Tariq Morales]

Oh, I had a gong. Not that black.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You had a gong?

[Tariq Morales]

I had a gong. Yeah. I didn't get to pull it out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh.

[Tariq Morales]

I had it in my passenger seat.

[Robert Carroll]

Oh.

[Tariq Morales]

Car. The whole time. And I just had to drive home with it in the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That wasn't anything we covered in the interview last time. No, that was in your car.

[Tariq Morales]

It was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Give us. What do you do for work, Tariq?

[Tariq Morales]

I work from home, so I'm just like, getting paid to be unemployed.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What do you do?

[Tariq Morales]

Honestly, I don't know. It's like the documents they come in. I hit like green or red childcare, and then.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. He's a Somali daycare worker, everybody. Good job. Red band.

[Tariq Morales]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mr. 233 over here.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, so you don't know what you do. You're getting paid?

[Tariq Morales]

I'm getting paid.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How much do you get paid?

[Tariq Morales]

It's $20 an hour.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How many hours a day are you working?

[Tariq Morales]

Eight hours a day.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Eight hours a day. And the checks clear?

[Tariq Morales]

The checks clear?

[Teja (Tai J)]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What do you do for fun?

[Tariq Morales]

I like to play the piano. The piano player.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're a piano player? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right.

[Tariq Morales]

Bit of a beige Beethoven?

[Layla Engels]

A little bit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Are you the kid from Fresh Prince of Bel Air?

[Tariq Morales]

That's me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Tariq Morales]

There you go. Absolutely.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Are you from Austin, Texas?

[Tariq Morales]

No, I just moved here in July.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. Where were you at before that?

[Tariq Morales]

Boise, Idaho.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Nice.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, tell us about being whatever you are in Boise.

[Tariq Morales]

Yeah, I was the blackest person there, which is. Is super embarrassing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you. Are you black?

[Tariq Morales]

Half. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Half black, half Mexican?

[Tariq Morales]

Puerto Rican.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, Puerto Rican. Okay. All right. Fair look.

[Tariq Morales]

Yeah. You've been long enough out here.

[Sal Volcano]

I. I just want to double back on the job. You do, because you said that. I don't know. The documents come in, you said. And I hit red or green.

[Jack Shaw]

Yeah.

[Tariq Morales]

There's like a. Literally a thumbs up or a thumbs down. I just.

[Sal Volcano]

You literally do not know what you do.

[Tariq Morales]

Literally. Yeah, it's like something with finance. I don't.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But what do you do?

[Tariq Morales]

The fucking. The document comes in.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I hit.

[Tariq Morales]

I check these numbers to see if they match up with, like, client information.

[Janice]

Are you on the cast of Severance?

[Tariq Morales]

The work is mysterious and important. Definitely. The work is mysterious and important.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow. How long have you worked for this company?

[Tariq Morales]

Like, three months.

[Greg McCowan]

Yeah.

[Tariq Morales]

Not long.

[Sal Volcano]

Why would you hit it green?

[Timmy No Breaks]

The nump.

[Greg McCowan]

Because the.

[Tariq Morales]

The numbers match up with the client information.

[Sal Volcano]

It's fucking lumen.

[Janice]

That's it.

[Teja (Tai J)]

That's it.

[Sal Volcano]

That's it.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah.

[Sal Volcano]

And you would hit red when the numbers don't match?

[Tariq Morales]

When they don't match.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you do this for eight hours a day.

[Tariq Morales]

Eight hours a day. I'm watching movies, I'm on the phone, I'm hanging out with my comic friends. That's it.

[Sal Volcano]

Was there training for this?

[Tariq Morales]

Not really. No. Yeah, it's like, day one, they're like, all right, here's what you're going to be doing. And then they.

[Sal Volcano]

And the name of the company.

[Tariq Morales]

What the.

[Sal Volcano]

You don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't think he's going to lose this nothing. Burger job if he says that.

[Tariq Morales]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Tariq, what's your love life like?

[Tariq Morales]

Single.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right?

[Tariq Morales]

I can't afford to date. I make $20 an hour, so. Yeah.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

I'm surprised.

[Tariq Morales]

Yeah. Yeah. Single right now. I haven't been on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How long have you been in Austin?

[Tariq Morales]

Since July.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And so you've been on no dates? You've met no women?

[Tariq Morales]

I went on one date. I met her, like, at a show at NAR Bar, and it didn't go well.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What happened?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This is perfect. Take us through the night, Tariq.

[Tariq Morales]

Yeah.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

She was just like.

[Tariq Morales]

She was like a bodybuilder. And I didn't. I didn't. I couldn't see it. She was wearing a hoodie. And we went on the date. She was Wearing, like, a tank top and she had, like, some biceps. I wasn't ready for that. I think I was a little. She was, you know, thick neck.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Thick neck, biceps.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is there any chance she had a dick?

[Tariq Morales]

Didn't make it that far.

[Sal Volcano]

I think you went on a date with Joe Rogan.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Milk meat. Involved in the foreplay.

[Tariq Morales]

Yeah. A lot of venison.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's it.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

She was jacked. Now, now. And permission to speak freely. Did. When she took her hoodie off and you saw. Just goon. Goon, right? And you saw. You were like, oh, there's a potential opportunity for me to peck her, right? Did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you say, wait, what was that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dr. Phil Peck fucker. What does that mean?

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

So, you know, she's so muscular, her. Her boobs have turned into pecs. So if you still want to achieve a titty foot, I'll send you a link.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, there's.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

But when she. When she derobed or declode, did you get excited? Did you. Did you take a step back and go, this isn't what I ordered?

[Scion Lazar]

Yeah.

[Tariq Morales]

I broke out in a small sweat. I said, it's not what I ordered.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Yeah. How'd you get out of there?

[Tariq Morales]

I. I paid and I was like, pleasure meeting you. She went in for the kiss and.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Yeah, you mean the headlock.

[Tariq Morales]

Yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

When she went in for the kiss, Exactly. What happened?

[Tariq Morales]

She went in for the kiss, and I had enough time to, like, kind of think about it, so I leaned back a little bit and then I just looked away. Her eyes were closed, so I just looked and pretend I didn't see it. And then I looked back. I was like, oh, hey, great meeting you.

[Teja (Tai J)]

Wow.

[Sal Volcano]

She was like a red document.

[Janice]

Yeah.

[Tariq Morales]

That was a thumbs down for me, doc. It was a thumbs down.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow, Tariq, absolutely incredible. What size joke book did you get last time you were on? You got a big one. All right, well, there you go then. Tariq Morales, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bonsai is making all kinds of different joke books. Small, medium, large. Some are black, some are brown, like Tariq. Okay, so things are moving along here,

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

but I think we need to shift the momentum. I mean, wow. This has been Sancho, Pancho, Mario, Robert Carroll, and Tariq. I'm going to say none of them really not knocked. Knocked it out of the old.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Oh, I disagree. It's been my favorite so far.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

After Banger, I'm gonna bring up one of our unbelievable regulars. Ladies and gentlemen, to Sage the room. He is fantastic. Make some noise for the great and powerful. The Dark storm of Atlanta. This is Dedrick Flynn, everybody.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I hate Waymos and I think only reason that we got these little self driving ass cars in Austin is cause there's not enough black people to go,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

uh,

[Dedrick Flynn]

I hate these little self driving ass cars cause they don't, they don't leave the human factor in there. Cause if I'm drunk and I'm going home, who's gonna wake me up in the Waymo? When you get drunk and you get into a Uber, the Uber driver wake you up and they so hey sir, you're at your house, you know who wakes you up in a Waymo? The Tempe police in Phoenix, Arizona. That's where I went to sleep in a Waymo. And these niggas weren't nice or kind at all. Take it from one example one time. Cause I'm a heavy sleeper. That's why they was mad at me about waking me up in a way mode. They couldn't wake me up for 30 minutes. One lady one time tried to wake me up, she couldn't wake me up, she couldn't wake me up. She took my phone, unlocked it with my face, and then called my mama. Nigga. I was up Daddy. Christian Allen playing nigga. I woke up immediately and I was like, I'm so sorry. I started cleaning. Cause like. Cause when I was a kid, when I was a kid, if your mama start whooping your siblings, if you cleaning, she not gonna whoop your ass too. And so I woke up, just started doing push ups, cleaning, and then she

[Redban]

was like, how dare you let this lady get it.

[Dedrick Flynn]

And the next day I had to go to that same Uber lady place and then cut her grass and then wash her car. That's my time. Thank you all so much. I'm Texas plan that flame.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Two minutes of material, tons of punchlines throughout, cleansing the room of the debacle

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

of the past four bucket pulls.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I'm so sorry.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What are you apologizing for?

[Dedrick Flynn]

The bucket pulls?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah, exactly. Great work, Dedrick. That really happened, didn't it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, it did. It sounds real.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I texted the Instagram the night after that. I apologize to the Tempe police. And I was so scared the whole time. Cause it was like when you drunk and they wake you up, you still lying when you wake up and you're like, oh, I shouldn't have been lying this whole time. And the whole time I was like, I'll be fine. I'll just call Joe Rogan.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's right, Phoenix Tempe police love Joe Rogan.

[Dedrick Flynn]

They do. They Told me that when they was walking me to the Omni where I was. I just did a sold out show. I felt so bad. I didn't know I for. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Tim. And police to the two officers and I don't know y' all name and the Instagram asked me that too. They said, what officers? I said, nigga, I told you I was drunk.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's amazing. That is incredible. I've always. I never really thought about that. Falling asleep in a Waymo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's no real I. I heard that they start playing music really loud is

[Dedrick Flynn]

what I. I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Slept through that too.

[Dedrick Flynn]

They don't have good music. That's what fucked me up because I had went. I was leaving Rochester, New York and then I had a 5am flight so I stayed up, went to that flew. Did two hours in Tempe, Arizona. And I was expecting to see my grandma, but my grandma was diamond right now and she's from. She lives in Tempe. And so I didn't know until after the show. So I got drunk and I started hanging out and I started getting sad. I said, you know what? I'mma leave. And then I got the Waymo and the Waymo. They have suggestions for music, but none of them are good.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

What are they?

[Dedrick Flynn]

Music that you listen to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dr. Phil music.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Vertical Horizon.

[Redban]

Sure.

[William Montgomery]

I know.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I love Shania Twain. Don't play with me, baby.

[Teja (Tai J)]

I'm not.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hell yeah. Shania Twain, Mark Twain. He listens to it all.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Sure. Yeah.

[Robert Carroll]

Well.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Well, maybe. Maybe next time I'll. I'll around that Waymo with you and we can go get some fish sticks or something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Or not.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Or you can just look at me and say, we'll be right black. You know that's right. Don't do that again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's terrible, Dedrick.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

I love those teeth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is there a specific song that would

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

be on a Waymo if. If you needed music to wake up a black person that fell into asleep in a Waymo. As our senior black correspondent, what song would you pick? Too short.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

How does that go?

[Dedrick Flynn]

What too short song again? What too? It's I go on and on. Can't understand how I last so long. That's right. I might have a superpower last 200, 3,000.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's as long as we can go without the copyright strike. So we get it.

[Dedrick Flynn]

You play that nigga, you can bring me out of the grave.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is.

[Dedrick Flynn]

You play too short N I be bouncing. They should have a hits playlist to wake me Up. Don't let the knock it on the window. That don't mean nothing to me. I'm from Atlanta. We go to sleep. The gunshots, nigga, that's not absolutely.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nope.

[Janice]

Think Pancho Sancho listens to Too Short as well.

[Dedrick Flynn]

You live in Atlanta, too, don't you?

[Jack Shaw]

You?

[Sal Volcano]

Yeah, no, I'm in New York.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I thought you was in Atlanta for a while for true tv.

[Lorenzo Tyrie]

No.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Hey, Atlanta. This nigga's a liar.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That would be a great sketch on Impractical Jokers. Just you guys going around the streets of Atlanta telling each other what to say. Say. Say, hello, my friend.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you have an extra wallet to

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the guy I want walking towards you right now? No, but I'm about to up. See, I'm playing both roles in this.

[Dedrick Flynn]

That's crazy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dedrick, what is one of the more dangerous things you saw in your days in Atlanta?

[Dedrick Flynn]

Oh, man. Besides my best friend getting shot in front of me just to a clip.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Sorry, we don't have it.

[Dedrick Flynn]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The police don't come that fast in Atlanta right now.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

That sucks. Go ahead.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I saw with my own eyes. This is crazy. I was at a bar, and one dude walked up to another dude and asked that nigga for a chicken wing. And the dude was like, order your own chicken wings. Because he was like, yo, I bet you $25 I can eat your chicken wings faster than you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You.

[Dedrick Flynn]

That doesn't work anywhere. He said, you did, but take your PO Ass over there. And then that dude, I swear to God, this is the first time I've ever seen this entire my life. He had a. He had a sock attached to a string. It was like, just a string with a knot on the end of it. He started swinging around like it was a nunchuck.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There was something in the sock.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah, it was something that was like. But if you defend your wings in Atlanta, that's. That's your honor.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what I'm saying?

[Dedrick Flynn]

Like, asking for a hot wing in Atlanta is like asking to somebody wife. You know what I'm saying? Like, that is. And this nigga pulled out a gadget. He been waiting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, a sock with something in it at the end of a.

[Mario Zapata]

You watch.

[Dedrick Flynn]

You watch Lord of the Rings. You know when Sauron came out with that little chain thing that was like. That was up the hill.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This was Lord of the Wings.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Lord of the Wings.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Ladies and gentlemen, that is tonight's Fruit by the Foot. Joking tonight,

[Sal Volcano]

Just to summarize, the two craziest things you saw in Atlanta was Your best friend getting gunned down in front of you.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Yeah.

[Sal Volcano]

And someone eating someone else's chicken wing.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And pulling out. So there's a string, and he's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Then there's a sock that's enclosed strings,

[Dedrick Flynn]

and he has it, like, woven into, like, a bigger thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Dedrick Flynn]

It's like a knot. It looked like a. I don't know what you call it, because I'm not from the medieval times.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

You know what that is?

[Dedrick Flynn]

But that had one of those. He was like, how dare you? Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did he. Did he. He hit him with that.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Oh, boy. Did he.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Oh, my God. And then the cop showed up, and he said this. Asked me for a wing. And the cop said, we'll take him to jail.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Dedrick, you're the best, man. Unbelievable. No asking for wings in Atlanta.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Don't ask for no other dude. Wings that up. That's my new boys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's some wisdom.

[Dedrick Flynn]

That's what the dude said. He said, don't ask me for.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That weapon sounds scary.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's usually pennies. They put pennies in a sock?

[Scion Lazar]

Yeah.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Who's they? Red Band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your people.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Who's they?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your people.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Who's they?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The old they.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Them black people got quarters, too. That.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

I actually talk about that in my book, chapter 35. Black people have quarters. Your local Barnes and Noble. Black people are people, too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dedrick, you rebuilt the momentum in the room. Thank you so much. He's done it again. Clint. Everybody. With some tales from the street treats. Socks on the end of strings, and many great things. Your next bucket pole is a one word name. Anything can happen. Make some noise for Teja, everybody.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Tasia.

[Teja (Tai J)]

Oh, my goodness.

[Mario Zapata]

Hey.

[Teja (Tai J)]

I just slept with my first white woman. Hey, I'm glad you proud.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cause.

[Teja (Tai J)]

Cause my girl was pissed. For real. This is bad, nigga. This is bad. I had never been with a white woman before, but I come fast, nigga. I bust quick. Some people say premature. I like to say, right on time. But now, as soon as I put her in, I bust, like, instantly, nigga. I was like, my bad. I'm sorry. Oh, my God. She said, no, Jerome, it's okay. I said, that's not my name. But I like the energy, though. It's real supportive, bro. It's very supportive. This white woman, though, she changed my life, bro. She fucked me up. N. She fucked me so good. I drink IPAs now.

[Jack Shaw]

For real.

[Teja (Tai J)]

My homie hit me up. He was like, you trying to go to the club? I was like, nah, nah. You wanna go to the brewery. We play cornhole and listen to Shania Twain. N we now, look, before we started having sex, she stopped me. She said, what are your kinks? What are your kinks? I don't have any kinks though. She said she had a praise kink, which, like words, affirmation, Good girl. Shit like that. That's not me, nigga. I don't think I did it right. I was like, ooh, you the goat. All right, that's my time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Teja, great set. Fantastic.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You've been on this show before?

[Robert Carroll]

Once.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This went better than last time, I bet, right? Hell yeah. Well, welcome, welcome. How long you been on stand up?

[Teja (Tai J)]

I just hit three years today.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Today's your three year anniversary?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Amazing. What do you do for work?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Work?

[Teja (Tai J)]

I'm electrician.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Teja (Tai J)]

Yeah, I get up at 5am every day and work like 10 hours.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow. Wow. That's when Red Band goes to bed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

New job, right?

[Teja (Tai J)]

Huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

New job? No, no, I've been to work at

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Apple or something like that.

[Teja (Tai J)]

Hell no.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think you're thinking about one from

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

State Farm the other day. Amazing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You ever get hit on when you're doing electrical work at a lady's house?

[Teja (Tai J)]

No, I do like industrial shit, like data centers and shit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Teja (Tai J)]

It was one time, though. It was one time I went to a lady's house as a kindergarten teacher and she tried to sleep with me and my co worker. Yeah, yeah. I ain't do it. I couldn't do it. I couldn't pull it off, but okay. I know, nigga, I'm not happy about it. I'm not happy about it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You work at a daddy center?

[Teja (Tai J)]

Yeah, I'm with the union, so I just get moved around. They just move me around.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you know your data?

[Teja (Tai J)]

I'm half white, so.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Hey.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your dad's white?

[Teja (Tai J)]

Yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

White dad, black mom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They still together?

[Teja (Tai J)]

Hell no.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, no. Why do you think that ended, do you think? Why do you think that happened? Do you have brothers and sisters?

[Teja (Tai J)]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How old were you when they divorced?

[Teja (Tai J)]

They.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They were never married.

[Teja (Tai J)]

They were never married? No, no. I was like one, but you know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Are you sure your dad's white?

[Teja (Tai J)]

I swear to God.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Teja (Tai J)]

White as hell.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right.

[Teja (Tai J)]

Super white.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. Yeah. And what does your dad do?

[Teja (Tai J)]

He a realtor.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And what does your mom do?

[Sal Volcano]

Okay, the documents come in and then.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah, Teja is an interesting name. T, A I, J, A.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Does that mean something or Taje. Oh, TA And a J. Ty J. Yeah. Tai J. Your mom is black. All right. That's what I call target Tai chi. Okay. I bet nobody says that correctly.

[Teja (Tai J)]

Right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Impossible to announce that based off of this spelling. Tai JJ. All right, Dr. Phil.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Yeah. You mentioned the premature ejaculating. When did that begin? And. And how you. How you. How you treating it? Because I would have venture to assume not many women receiving that information are fired up. Right. And I know you may finish. Some of. You're probably real used to hearing right now. Keep it right here. Yeah, but what. What I mean by that, Taiwan is, is there. Is there something that you do to compensate? Right? So if you're gonna get. If you're gonna bust your nut, corn nut style, Right?

[Teja (Tai J)]

Yeah.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

And the girl's still laying there like a dead fish being like, well, where's my. You know, come. You know, where's my. However she says it, you know? You know, what do you say to make her feel like it's not a waste of time?

[Teja (Tai J)]

Hey, I gotta get out of here, bro.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow. That's what your white father said.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Some heads up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You can last longer. Using bluechew Gold. Use the promo code [e-mail]. get 10% off. That's bluechew.com.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

i love it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's right.

[Janice]

You really are like a union guy. You just. You leave before the job is done.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

That is tonight's Frito Lay joke of the night.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Amazing. Ty J. What else do you do? What do you do for fun?

[Teja (Tai J)]

I don't really have a lot of time. I just go to work and then I do comedy, man. My brother's gay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, all right. What's his phone number?

[Janice]

Throwing red meat to the panel. Desperation.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does he do for work?

[Teja (Tai J)]

What does he do for work? Yeah, I think he, like a librarian. Some gay.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's like one.

[Janice]

That means he hangs around libraries a lot. Homeless.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Tai J. Ty J.

[Teja (Tai J)]

Some interest that he did just bring his boyfriend home for the first time.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, let's talk about that now. Did he brought. He brought him home to your black mother, to your white father.

[Teja (Tai J)]

To my white father.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How did white dad take that?

[Teja (Tai J)]

Well, I mean, you know, he's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We'll be white dad.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How did white dad handle that? He, you know, he.

[Teja (Tai J)]

He very supportive. And he. He's supportive. I was mad, though. I was. I didn't like it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. What do you think your black mother would say about.

[Janice]

Well, on my.

[Dedrick Flynn]

On my.

[Teja (Tai J)]

On my mama's side, I got a sister and she gay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, shit.

[Teja (Tai J)]

Yeah. But she a stud.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Teja (Tai J)]

Yeah. And Then my brother on my dad's side, he like, you know, flamboyant. Flamboyant? Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Sal Volcano]

He's a tiger.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's a gay tiger.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's a tigrarian. Okay. Was your brother's boyfriend big fat white guy?

[Teja (Tai J)]

No, no, no. More like Tony's bill.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. 164.9.

[Teja (Tai J)]

But I was mad cause that was ugly, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That.

[Teja (Tai J)]

That's the thing that made me mad about.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

That's what pissed you off?

[Timmy No Breaks]

Yeah.

[Teja (Tai J)]

Cause I don't care if you gay. Don't bring no. You like ugly home.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, but you got to get held

[Teja (Tai J)]

to the same standard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Teja (Tai J)]

He looked like he bite people. I'm for real. He had a up grill. It was bad.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Maybe your brother likes to last longer in bed. And it's easy to do with an ugly person. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. This is some of my tricks. When I want to last long in bed, I hook up with an ugly man. Okay, this show's out of control.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did you get a big joke book last time?

[Greg McCowan]

No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, you're getting one tonight, Tai J.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go, buddy. And it keeps on rolling. On to the next one. As the great JZ once said, on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

On to the next one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Greg McCowan, everybody. Here comes Greg McCowan.

[Greg McCowan]

Yo, what's going on? Kill Tony. Yo. Recently, I've been trying to date, but it's been very hard with an Android phone because for some reason, iPhone users always discriminate on me based off the color of my text messages. You know what I mean? It's always weird. Like, every time I'm in a club and I'm trying to talk to a girl, I feel like Martin Luther King. I'm like, I have a dream that one day, green messages and blue messages will one day come together.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know what I mean?

[Greg McCowan]

It was great. I can imagine I'll have a group of Android supporters behind me leaving the club. They'll be chanting shit like, green or blue, we don't care. Let us see your underwear. Like, shit's crazy. Across the street, you know what I'm saying? You will see, like, the Android supporter. I mean, the iPhone supporters, they'll be saying like, well, if he ain't blue, then he can't come through. Or like that.

[Teja (Tai J)]

You know what I mean?

[Greg McCowan]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

Holy.

[Greg McCowan]

Holy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm pretty sure that's his. This is crazy. That's his closing line there. Greg McCow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Greg, how you doing? Is this your first time on the Show.

[Greg McCowan]

This is my first time on the show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome, welcome.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How long you been doing stand up?

[Greg McCowan]

About two and a half years, Tony.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

About two and a half years?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, sir.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I love it. And Ty J is your brother, is that correct? All right.

[Greg McCowan]

I knew he looked familiar. He's long lost. Long lost.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know that's right. Greg McCowan. Okay. Two and a half years. You've been on Stand up. All here in Austin?

[Greg McCowan]

No, originally from Dallas.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. What do you do for work? All these people have fake ass jobs now.

[Greg McCowan]

Currently unemployed.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

When's the last time you had a job?

[Greg McCowan]

Last year, 2025. The last month of 2025?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

December. Yes, that would be.

[Greg McCowan]

It took a little minute. It took a little minute to collectively get it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The last month of 2025. I think 2025 was a December.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It landed on December.

[Greg McCowan]

Correct.

[Sal Volcano]

December and 25.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sometimes it's February. You never know when the last month's gonna be. What was the job that you had until December?

[Greg McCowan]

I worked as a customer service rep for, like, Spectrum. Basically, I was just calling people about their bill, trying to help them out and like that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Calling people about their bills. Dr. Phil?

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Yeah. I've recently been in too many, uh, Spectrum debacles.

[Greg McCowan]

Oh, hello.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

So maybe, maybe we could do a little role play here and you could give me some confidence in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

In the establishment.

[Greg McCowan]

All right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, Your phone's ringing, Dr. Phil.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Hello? Who the fuck is this? It's 10am you better be on fire.

[Greg McCowan]

Thank you for calling. Thank you for calling. This is Spectrum calling about your bill. It's been overdue for about three months now. So we're calling because you have missed your payments and we're trying to give you a little.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

You get to the point, son.

[Greg McCowan]

We're basically trying to give you a heads up to let you know that we'll be knocking something off your bill if we can get collect right now. Click a little bit right now. You know what I'm saying?

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Don't talk to me like that. I don't know what you're saying. First of all, how'd you get this number? I start 69 to your ass.

[Greg McCowan]

You start 69. We. We got your number on file. We saw that you have been missing a lot of payments or a lot of households, apparently. You just haven't been paying your bill. I don't know how you're not paying your bill.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Well, it's been a rough. Ever heard of COVID motherfuckers?

[Greg McCowan]

Well, you know what? I got you. I got you. This is what we'll do. Well, if you go ahead and pay 100 right now, you ain't even got to worry about the bill, dog. Don't even worry about the shit.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

All right, let me call my friend Redband real quick and see if he can venmo me a hundred bucks.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, Redband, pick up the phone.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Yes. Hey, what's up?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What's up, what's up?

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

257.

[Sal Volcano]

Oh,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you know, I'm just here eating. So.

[Greg McCowan]

So, so he's the one we gotta, we gotta get, we gotta get the money from. So. So me and him are against you over there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is this a three way call?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is happening right now? Who patched Guy I recall to him money. Oh, hello.

[Greg McCowan]

As a fourth caller.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Sorry. This is how we do things at the Philhouse. I know you guys a spectrum, think you can one on one this, but I got a whole half court ready to play.

[Greg McCowan]

Got a whole.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

You ever played a pickup game at 24 Hour Fitness? Guys just show up?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

All right, go ahead.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Tony, how exactly did you lose that job?

[Greg McCowan]

Being basically paying off? A lot of people's like just pushing through and like that. Just, you know, helping some people out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Greg McCowan]

They didn't like that. They didn't with that at all.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, so how much money do you have in your checking account right now?

[Greg McCowan]

Right now?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, just give us a ballpark.

[Greg McCowan]

Ballpark. About 10 bucks.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

10 bucks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Greg McCowan]

Solid 10.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When is rent due?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What's your living situation currently?

[Greg McCowan]

I, I live at the homeless shelter that's like right down the street from here. Oh, okay.

[Timmy No Breaks]

At Arch.

[Greg McCowan]

At Arch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This guy loves the homeless.

[Janice]

That's not as sad as having an Android phone.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How long have you lived at the shelter?

[Greg McCowan]

I've been in Austin for probably like about a month now.

[Lorenzo Tyrie]

So.

[Greg McCowan]

A month.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, and what are you. How are we going to. Wait, you moved from Dallas, so you had a living situation in Dallas, you're sacrificing it all? Yeah, for stand up comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, comedy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. How much material do you think you have all together if you were to do your longest set? We just saw your Android material tonight.

[Greg McCowan]

I would probably say between 10 to 15.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Ten to 15.

[Greg McCowan]

Ten to 15.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, so what can you do? Like what kind of job can you be good at?

[Greg McCowan]

Customer service? Anything sales related. Anything. Just dealing with talking to people is what seems.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What was that? You failed the test. Wild straight. Okay, what's that? What's that from Antonio? What? Oh, Antonio Brown, that's right. Okay, that's a deep cut. All right, that happened on this show. Holy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, I'm about to. I'm about to have to hire a brand new keyboard player. Do you not. Oh, you know how to play my double keyboard?

[Dedrick Flynn]

I don't know.

[Greg McCowan]

I can make. Make some work. I don't know. He seemed pretty solid back there, dog.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm kidding. He's. He's not going anywhere.

[Robert Carroll]

What.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

What sort of food do they serve you at the shelter?

[Greg McCowan]

Literally. Literally. They serve, like, scrambled eggs, regular. You know, sometimes they do a little chicken Bolognese. You know, some. Some types.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Chicken Bolognese, Amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've never even heard of that before. That sounds like we're throwing in new.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Well, you notice how he said Bolognese? Bolognaise, not Bolognese. It's like the dollar store spaghetti.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it's chicken and mayonnaise shaped into a ball. It's chicken Bolognese.

[Greg McCowan]

Well, it's real good. It's real good.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

It's not bad.

[Greg McCowan]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Food is food at some point.

[Greg McCowan]

Oh, hell yeah.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Well, how do you make friends there or you. You're a pretty, you know, chummy guy, you know?

[Greg McCowan]

Yeah, I've met some people since I've been out here in Austin there.

[Jack Shaw]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dr. Phil has a great point. Very rarely do we get to talk to anybody in the flesh about living in the homeless shelter. So kind of take us through what might surprise a normal person or like,

[Greg McCowan]

shit, man, where the fuck do I start?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So it's kind of like a cot.

[Greg McCowan]

Cold, cold, cold cot. Three bullshit meals, if you can call it that. Occasional fights, you know, a lot of crackhead energy. You know, you see people in the corners sniffing cocaine and, you know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But you don't do drugs?

[Greg McCowan]

No, no, no. I don't do drugs.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Greg McCowan]

I. I watched him, dude. I'm an observer, Tony. I watched them do drugs. And they do it in such a terrible fashion, but, you know, they do what they do. They do what they do.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. All right, well, Greg McCowan, easy women, right? Like, do you ever get laid at the homeless shelter?

[Greg McCowan]

Gotten laid outside of the homeless shelter? Yes, in a bush and then like. Yeah, near a tree.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Greg McCowan]

You gotta find it anywhere you can get it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Talk about that.

[Greg McCowan]

It's like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's crazy.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Chapter 47, Old Pussy Bush, depending what year it is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, so you have family in Dallas?

[Greg McCowan]

Yeah, I have family in Dallas.

[Layla Engels]

And.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And did they just not.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Did they.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did they kind of like, kick you out and tell you to go do your own thing or. Was moving to Austin to a homeless shelter your own idea?

[Greg McCowan]

No, actually, they didn't kick me out. I just kind of just left on my own. Was just like, I'm just gonna do it. I'm all in for it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How old are you?

[Greg McCowan]

29. I just turned 29 on the 31st.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Greg McCowan]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

31st. Of the last month of the.

[Greg McCowan]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Of some first month of the year.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right. Happy birthday. Appreciate it. Does the shelter do anything they give you like a cupcake or something like that?

[Dedrick Flynn]

No, no, no.

[Greg McCowan]

They. No. Nothing at all? Nothing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Damn, this is all so interesting.

[Robert Carroll]

Yep.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, we don't have any, like, sales jobs or anything or anything like that, so this is going to be one of the saddest endings to an interview in the history of the show.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Got a job off her?

[Greg McCowan]

Yeah, she raised her hand.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She definitely.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She's been wasted for two hours.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is not the place to find hope, my friend.

[Sal Volcano]

You think you could sell nachos?

[Greg McCowan]

I think I can sell nachos. I can sell the. Out of some nachos.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do Greg McCowan. I'll tell you what, you have a

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

lot of work to do, so here's a big joke book just to fill it up. Just to have something. Worst comes to worst, sell it. Double your net worth.

[Greg McCowan]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes. Greg McCowan, everybody. There goes Greg.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, let's do that. Let's go with one of our golden ticket winners.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who's here to pop in? Just visiting. Swinging by in town. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from Jack Shaw, everybody. Here he is, it's Jack Sh.

[Jack Shaw]

Ever since getting on this show, I have never been called autistic more in my entire life. And when I say autistic, they're saying retarded a lot. And when I say they, I mean my dad, this guy, he won't stop saying it. I'm just Jewish, man. I'm just fucking. I mean, I'm so Jewish. I have family on both Epstein and Schindler's List, dude. You know, I realize there's a lot of similarities between autism and Judaism.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dude, there are.

[Mario Zapata]

Like.

[Jack Shaw]

There are, man. Like, I mean, we're both loud. We're prone to nervousness. We're very socially awkward. Shut the fuck up, dude. No, we're very anxious people. We can be obsessive. But I realize the number one difference between autism and Judaism is that Jews don't like trains. Thank you guys so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jack Shaw. You people really do come out and just say that you're Jewish.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I've always wondered what you were just kidding.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Greg Fitzsimmons.

[Janice]

So the last guy worked for Spectrum. And you're on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's come full circle.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Just like a choo choo train, if you will.

[Jack Shaw]

Jack, that was funnier than you guys gave it credit for.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Or a juju train. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Go.

[Jack Shaw]

Don't play that. Don't play that sound, please.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. There's a little something to cleanse the bones. Jack Shaw, how's life been going, dude?

[Jack Shaw]

It's been going great. You know, the last time I was on the show, Joe Rogan told me to do some props, so I bought some props tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You had some successful props. Last time you were on is the show let's it. Who's ready for some Jew props, huh?

[Redban]

It's Jew props,

[BHC Tommy]

actually.

[Jack Shaw]

No, that makes sense. This first one is to make your Jewish friends feel comfortable on Christmas.

[Redban]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, chew props. We're talking. Chew props. We're talking.

[Jack Shaw]

Really doesn't want me to do this one, but this is a hasidic gas. Oh, God damn it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you got it. We'll picture it. Oh, yeah, Just put it on.

[Jack Shaw]

Put AI on it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just do it. Do it. Do it like it works. And then put the thing over your head.

[Jack Shaw]

Second, this is a hidic gas mask.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A hidic gas mask, everybody. There you go. He said it, not me.

[Jack Shaw]

By the way, this one. This is an ancient dick pic. That's.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

That's.

[Jack Shaw]

That's my dick, dude. That's. What sucks. If anyone has a pig at home and that pig gets hurt, how about some Oinkman?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oinkment? Wow. That's the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my life. Jew props. We're talking Jew props. We're talking Jew props. He's doing the Jew props. Jew props.

[Jack Shaw]

A drawing by D. Madness. I thought that was pretty. I think that's pretty good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It looks great. That's amazing. Great stuff.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Great.

[Jack Shaw]

This is health insurance for a healthcare CEO.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah, bulletproof vest.

[Dedrick Flynn]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bagel and locks top it up.

[Jack Shaw]

This is a. This is Lego Epstein island, everybody. This is. I thought that was gonna go so much better. What the. Jesus Christ. All right, well, we have an expansion pack with Donald Trump and Bill Clinton, I think.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Trump was never on the island, but keep going. Clinton was 55 times. What's that one?

[Jack Shaw]

Stephen Hawking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, he was there.

[Jack Shaw]

God damn it. Okay, well, you know, we tried it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. Jack Shaw lives in la, so they will. They will never let it go that Trump was never on Epstein Island. Just a fun fact, but he was never there.

[Jack Shaw]

Okay, well, that didn't go great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's like Cow Volcano is a little like Carrot.

[Sal Volcano]

Stop.

[Jack Shaw]

Dude, that's what I. I wanted to ask Carrot. I was hoping Carrot Top would be here so I could ask him for some mentorship. So, Carrot Top. I'll be Carrot Bottom right here.

[Redban]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were ready for that?

[Jack Shaw]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's amazing.

[Jack Shaw]

Hey, you want. Do you want this?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow, that's a lot of. That's a lot of red Pew.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Here, I'll trade you.

[Jack Shaw]

Can't have it.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

All right, I'll trade you.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Oh, okay.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. You can't use this. You could use that.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

You could believe in yourself. J.

[Jack Shaw]

If I scrunch it down enough. It's fine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You could just put your whole body into it.

[Jack Shaw]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Put it over my head.

[Sal Volcano]

That if it's one full P. Poncho.

[Mario Zapata]

Sancho.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Take your time. Sound it out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Jack. I. Turns out we love good and bad props here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I loved it. Make some noise one more time for Jack Shaw, everybody. What a hoot. There he goes, the lovely Jack Shaw. Back to the bucket we go. This name came from these inside. Make some noises for BHC Tommy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

BHC Tommy.

[BHC Tommy]

Last Christmas, a Corpus Christi coroner was in court for having intercourse with corpses. And they said it was the best sex ever. Magical, even. Abracadabra, if you will. Now that's what I call Netflix and Chilled. There's a burial plot twist. The offender is actually a woman. Thank the Lord for rigor mortis. She testified that her favorite movies are Die Hard and Rise of the Living Dead. In related news, a local drive by, shooting at 12 casualties. That means she was down there gang banging gang bangers. It was Crips and blood everywhere. With no regard for human life because there wasn't any. She's also facing sexual battery charges, literally, because she had jumper cables hooked up to their nipples. Here's the real shocker. She only got caught because she got pregnant. The dumbass was out there raw dogging zombies when she should have been using the Twilight birth control method. That's when you bang only vampires. And it works because a vampire can't come inside anywhere without permission first.

[Teja (Tai J)]

That's the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay vhc, Tommy. It was. There was a lot there. There was.

[Timmy No Breaks]

It.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, that may have been the. So many. You had so many attempts. You had so many jokes, and only that one at the end. I don't know what the 12 people that laughed at that one saw in the vampire thing. Maybe I'm missing it. Sal. Volcano.

[Sal Volcano]

I think it's. Wayne Gretzky said you miss all hundred

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

attempts that you take.

[Sal Volcano]

No, I appreciate that. That was the most dense minute I've ever seen on this show.

[Dedrick Flynn]

That's true.

[Sal Volcano]

And what you did was you really hitched your wagon to one. One thing. And so once it, you know, was when you. You know what it is? When you came out, the setup was you got into it so quickly, I almost kind of was a little bit, like, confused.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, it was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's.

[BHC Tommy]

It's part of a bigger set that's not quite a minute. So I just try to.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is that your thing? Do you just have jokes about, like, dead corpses and stuff?

[BHC Tommy]

Well, I mean, the only thing stiff about my. My love life is the competition.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's another one. Oh, I'll bhc, Tommy, how long have you been doing standup?

[BHC Tommy]

I've been chasing this selectively since last February.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. Chasing this selectively.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Great way to say I'm not really doing it.

[Sal Volcano]

Yeah, bro, you are gonna make it. That's what you gotta do. When you really want something, you chase it selectively.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. What do you mean by chasing selectively? Take us through your workout.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

So.

[BHC Tommy]

So I've been a fan of the show for a couple years. Started chasing the Bucket last February and.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Chasing the Bucket.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

The Bucket sounds like a Judy Bloom book that never made the cut. Chasing the book.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you there?

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

God, yeah.

[Robert Carroll]

So.

[BHC Tommy]

And I've. So I've done some mics and some practicing to get ready for this because it would be insane to come up here with zero mic.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I agree, I agree.

[Sal Volcano]

And.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And if. Especially if you did that while on mushrooms at the age of 60, that would be insane. And it happened here tonight. Okay, so, BHC, Tommy, how old are you?

[BHC Tommy]

I'm old, Tony. 43.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

43. What do you do for work?

[BHC Tommy]

I work with marine construction.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Marine construction?

[BHC Tommy]

You mean we build beaches.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You build beaches?

[BHC Tommy]

Yes, it's a thing. It's dredging. So we have a. We have a boat that basically has a drag head that sucks up all the material, and then we. We pump it to the beach and the beach constructs the beach.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then red band washes up on it, and that's how you find a redbird in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

BHC taught me. So how long have you been doing that for?

[BHC Tommy]

About seven years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Anything crazy ever happen when you're out there dredging?

[BHC Tommy]

Yes, but I'm not really allowed to talk about it too much just because it's government contracting and whatnot. But I mean, it's Kind of like

[Sal Volcano]

you were a background player on.

[BHC Tommy]

Let me give you an answer that you can. We find like, we find explosives and like Civil War head red missiles and stuff.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And this is mostly off the coast of Texas.

[BHC Tommy]

We do do work. You do okay in Freeport, but I work most. I've been working mostly in New Jersey.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, I can't even imagine what you find in New Jersey. Absolutely incredible.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

How long have has your hair? How long has that been? How long? Looks like your barber was chasing your head. Selectively league.

[Redban]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true, Dr. Phil. Oh, there he is. Mr. McGraw.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Now that's a joke because I can't pull it off. So I'm obviously deflecting and admiring, but also judging.

[BHC Tommy]

When I go to the barber, I just.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I say.

[BHC Tommy]

I say make it look like GI Joe on this side and Barbie on this side.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Well, you're killing it. But for real, how long have you had it like that?

[BHC Tommy]

Probably like 18 months. Too much too.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

So it's a new acquisition.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What made you want to go with that?

[BHC Tommy]

I mean, I've always had like the Mohawk on the side, but I have a nephew, plays hockey and he's got like the flow and the mullet, so kind of grew it out together.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

That's cute.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, why bhc, Tommy? What does the BHC mean?

[BHC Tommy]

So BHC has just like been my handle for all my social media ever since, like AOL Instant Messenger. It's just a nickname I've had.

[Janice]

Banging hot corpses sometimes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, fist bump.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Hey, I want to play. I want to play Big hairy cock.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Sal, your turn. So.

[BHC Tommy]

So it really stands for Big hater Company because just I hate on shit all the time. Like, I just talk shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What do you hate on?

[BHC Tommy]

I mean, I'm just a troll in general. Like, I just.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This fucking brat be hating coochie, I

[BHC Tommy]

think is what she said.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, BHC comedy. Here's a little joke book from the Great Bonsai. Keep trying. Keep selectively chasing your dreams, baby.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There he goes. Bhc, Tommy. Some people just. Some people just try. Some people just hope for the best.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

You gotta try. If you don't first succeed, you know, well, maybe figure do something else.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that in the book?

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Chapter four, you son of a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Lorenzo Tyrie, everybody.

[Lorenzo Tyrie]

So I don't do one eyed stands anymore. I do two night stands. Otherwise it looks, you know, makes the bedroom look uneven. Yeah, last time I hooked up with the girls on 6th street and you know, she takes me home I'm super drunk. She's super hot. You know, we start macking as soon as we walk through the door. And, you know, I go down on her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know why.

[Lorenzo Tyrie]

I was just in the moment. I go down on her. I'm horny. That's why. But, yeah, she stops me. I'm like, oh, is she on her period? No. Like, she trans. No. She told me she had a DUI or. That's what I thought I heard, you know, And I'm like, why did you tell me this now? You drove us here and then you're gonna tell me that that's crazy.

[Teja (Tai J)]

But.

[Lorenzo Tyrie]

But she tells me, no, no. A vyi, I'm like, vy. What the. A vyi, she had vaginal yeast infection. I was like, yeah, I'll take the Mac. You can keep the cheese. Thank you. My name is Lorenzo Tyree.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, Lorenzo Tyree. Lorenzo, have you been on this show before?

[Lorenzo Tyrie]

Yeah, at their time. Third time.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What?

[Lorenzo Tyrie]

Third time?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Third time. Absolutely. Welcome. How's it going, man? Man, pretty good.

[Lorenzo Tyrie]

I didn't expect it tonight. I was drinking a picture of that. Good stuff. The. Yeah, Tequila pineapples.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You had a picture of tequila pineapples?

[Lorenzo Tyrie]

Yes, yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You think that's. You think that was a good idea?

[Lorenzo Tyrie]

Yeah, I was like, you know, chill night. I love being hanging out with the other comedians. It would be fun.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, well.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Are you the second Aunt Viv from Fresh Prince of Bel Air?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I am not.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

All right, let's make it small talk.

[Lorenzo Tyrie]

Thanks, Dr. Phil. Thanks.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It is incredible.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

I like your. I do want to say, you know, the. A lot of sexual content tonight, which is fair. It's a relatable topic. It's something we're all going through and trying to. Trying to figure out. But you said a second stand, so you are out there trying to grease the wheels quite often.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Well, it's a simple yes or no question.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're in active season.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Preseason.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

For what?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wnba.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The are you talking about? You look be reading my way of

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

saying you look like a giant lesbian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Lorenzo.

[Lorenzo Tyrie]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're welcome. Somehow you look like every character from Sesame street at once.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is so crazy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Absolutely incredible.

[Lorenzo Tyrie]

Ladies, any. Any stud likers out here?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This guy's built like a palm tree.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Look at this guy. Oh, my God. Tequila pineapples.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Do you ever make jokes, though, about your appearance? Because that is a one way to get the crowd on your side, right? It's to be self driving, deprecating right out of the gate.

[Lorenzo Tyrie]

Yeah, yeah, I got I got a couple. Got a couple? Yeah.

[Janice]

I missed last season because I was in a Russian prison.

[Lorenzo Tyrie]

That's Alaska, that's why. Yeah, Alaska is basically a Russian prison.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, Lorenzo, what do you do for living?

[Lorenzo Tyrie]

Mainly work a smoke shop job right now. I also work fireworks in Alaska.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

You what?

[Lorenzo Tyrie]

I work with, like. I do fireworks out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You work with fireworks? Yeah. What exactly do you do with fireworks?

[Lorenzo Tyrie]

Cargo containers come in with full of fireworks.

[Teja (Tai J)]

I.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Where are they coming from? China?

[Lorenzo Tyrie]

Yeah, I think so.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You don't know where they're coming from?

[Lorenzo Tyrie]

Well, who else makes fireworks? Tony?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm asking you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're the one that works in the business, Lorenzo. Jesus Christ.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The attitude on these children nowadays, people, it's unbelievable. Lorenzo, anything happen interesting in your life since the last time you were on the show?

[Lorenzo Tyrie]

Me and my girlfriend separated.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, my goodness.

[Lorenzo Tyrie]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long were you with her for?

[Lorenzo Tyrie]

Met her in May of last year. Dated her in August to January.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, you just named a bunch of

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

months and it didn't get a single answer out of you. Perfect.

[Sal Volcano]

Like what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What made this separation happen?

[Sal Volcano]

They were just. They weren't any more fireworks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, the fireworks went out.

[Sal Volcano]

I'll be here for the rest of the evening.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What made you separate?

[Lorenzo Tyrie]

I just think we were too different, you know? Not the yin and yang type either.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What do you mean, too different? Isn't she a woman as well?

[Lorenzo Tyrie]

You know, I like working out. She really didn't. Long term, that's. You know, I need that, you know, future.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Lorenzo Tyrie]

Going out. I didn't.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

She like what?

[Lorenzo Tyrie]

Going out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I.

[Lorenzo Tyrie]

You know, I didn't like going out.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

You're a homebody?

[Lorenzo Tyrie]

Kind of. I go out for mics and stuff like that, but, you know, I like to be out too often.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

I get.

[Lorenzo Tyrie]

I get really drunk sometimes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It sounds like you do that a lot. If you drank a pitcher of tequila pineapple before the opportunity of a lifetime, I'm pretty sure you might have a drinking problem.

[Lorenzo Tyrie]

Sorry, grandma.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's his closer.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's how he signs off his sets.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, that's my time. Sorry, Grandma.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Y. I'm actually not mad about it. It's a little bit better than Buckle up. They're in the same department store, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Lorenzo, we're going to keep it moving along. There goes Lorenzo, Tyrie, everybody of you. There he goes. You got nothing but little joke books, right? I'm guessing little and medium, so. Okay, little medium next time. Keeping it moving along. Make some noise for Scion Lazar. Out of the bucket go you Drunk ass. Jesus Christ.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

You thought it was one of those AMB doors that open? One of those automatic curtains.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on, hold on. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You just missed something crazy. I don't know if you guys heard, but Dr. Phil just said he thought it was one of those gas station doors. He stood there waiting. Let's reset. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Kill Tony debut, I do believe one more time for Scion Lazar, everybody.

[Scion Lazar]

Well, I just came from Shanghai. I'm sorry if some of my humor doesn't land, but I'm used to talking to people who don't speak English. So if you don't mind, I'm going to talk a little bit about some Chinese problems. If you people think that they don't drive well over here, you should see how they walk. There's this one guy, he walked into me about 10 times. It's kind of like those remote cars. When they bump into something, they don't even look up from their phone. They just keep on bouncing into your ass until they just burn out. The other problem is they got a lot of metrosexuals out there. Does anyone know what a metrosexual is? If you don't know what a metro. Calm down, Americans. Calm down. Stand on your head and calm down. Like the police say, sir, put your hands in the air. Stand on your head and calm down. No. Calm down, sir. You need to go. No, what they do is in the metro, if you're walking around and you don't know what a metrosexual is, just watch who's bouncing off of the Poles.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Scion Lazarus.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Scion. Where are you from?

[Scion Lazar]

I'm originally actually from Texas, but I live most of my life Mediterranean.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

In the Mediterranean Sea.

[Scion Lazar]

In Mediterranean area. Yeah. Greece.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How old were you when you moved to The Mediterranean Sea?

[Scion Lazar]

19.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

19.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And how old are you now?

[Scion Lazar]

I'm 34.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

34, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. In 15 years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, guys. Jesus. I see why you moved to the Mediterranean. Fucking drunk Latinos everywhere. So in 15 years, you that. That you're saying that that accent's like, real.

[Scion Lazar]

Well, you work on it, you know, it's. It's not perfect, but you polish it and you sleep on it, and it is what it is. I don't know what to say.

[Sal Volcano]

No, I think you're saying reversed. I think he's saying that the accent you have now, you're. What you're saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He thinks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bear with me. Yeah.

[Sal Volcano]

You think that he's saying that you're trying to achieve a better American accent and you're working on that. Oh, he's saying that you lived here for 19 straight years first and definitely didn't speak the way you're speaking now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sal Volcano]

And then you picked up a heavy accent from the Mediterranean over the last 15 years, which is peculiar.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. This is like me coming back from

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

the two week vacation I took last year to Rome and me coming back

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

like how is everybody you doing? I don't even know what you talk about. It's going to be a home to America.

[Sal Volcano]

He's like how you say cucumber

[Scion Lazar]

if you understand me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I, I don't you hear of these metrosexuala.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I've been in the Mediterranean for about 15 years. I was born in Texas. Can't you hear the Texas in the Mia accent?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy.

[Sal Volcano]

I'm from a Texas. So we like a thing to be.

[Scion Lazar]

And I'm an English teacher by the way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's the worst thing I was born the weather.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Barbecue of flies like a wings.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You never ask another man for his wing book the be the dog every

[Janice]

the owner and then it bump into something

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

the.

[Scion Lazar]

Was that the only accent they know is Italian? Strange.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Sorry grandma.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I mean.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

To ourselves if you, if you got a rhythm.

[Scion Lazar]

Continue gentlemen. I'm enjoying myself too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So the accent, you're, you're you. You would label that more as Greek?

[Scion Lazar]

No, probably more Israeli actually.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, I speak Hebrew.

[Scion Lazar]

I speak a little Greek and Turkish too.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Scion Lazar]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Janice]

Didn't take him long to bring it up, did he?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, baby, he's bank fitz dog.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

If you ask, you're going to find out that is tonight's honey nut Cheerios Joke of the night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. So scion, I got to give you credit. Out of all the interviews out of

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

the bucket I've had tonight, you do seem like the most interesting. You're answering questions. It seems as though you have some, some life experience. What have you been doing over there? What made you leave Texas and go to the Mediterranean?

[Scion Lazar]

Oh, well, I teach English. I, I focus on the adjectives more than the noun, if that makes any sense.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is incredible.

[Scion Lazar]

But not the pronouns. Over in America things are very strange, pronoun wise.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go on, tell us about that. Tell us about that. You have global knowledge.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's good what you're saying so that Americans can hear it.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Go ahead.

[Scion Lazar]

Well, so you see, you have the he and then you have the she. But sometimes in certain circumstances the she or usually the he will decide that he would like to try the Other side. So he looks up a doctor, and the doctor says, turn around. And then he examines the size. That's the first thing. And if it's too large, Then he needs special equipment. But sometimes it's minimal. It's nominal. And in that case, he just says, continue with what you're doing, put on a little lipstick, and you're good to go.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Anyway. To the bride and groom.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yes.

[Scion Lazar]

To the men.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Worst wedding speech of all time.

[Redban]

Can you imagine?

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Your best friend's getting married, and he's up here going, hey, let's get the toad. Let's get the. Go to meet Zelda in the parking lot for some rubbing toads. What the was that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm a sorry. I drink a pitcher of a tequila pineapple. That is true.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It is not the direction I thought

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

that things were gonna go, but I found it hypnotizing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So you teach English in all those different places, and you kind of just go wherever you want?

[Scion Lazar]

Yeah, well, yes, that's the way it is. It's kind of addictive, actually. Once you start traveling, you just can't stop. You just keep running away forever. And you convince people that this is the way Americans speak. So wherever I'm teaching, they're gonna talk like me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And wherever you're teaching, you're gonna talk like this.

[Jack Shaw]

Him.

[Scion Lazar]

You have to assimilate. You have to assimilate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't want to be a Let

[Janice]

say this is the one. Contestant tonight, panelist guest. What do we call them?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Bucket pool.

[Janice]

Bucket pool. That looks like he gets.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true. Or dick.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you do.

[Scion Lazar]

Well, I. I've seen one or two.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's not you. You.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You.

[Sal Volcano]

You present like everything you're saying is

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

so much more important than it really is. Yeah, it's fantastic.

[Scion Lazar]

And you might not think it's funny.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm gonna go home and laugh.

[Sal Volcano]

You got me hooked. I'm like, what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What.

[Sal Volcano]

What happens to the he and the she?

[Scion Lazar]

It comes from Genesis, chapter six. And they knew that they were naked and they hid themselves in the garden.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God agrees. We are getting worried that God agrees with you.

[Scion Lazar]

Christians. Christians. Where the fuck Christians?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, Scion. Go ahead, Dr. Phil.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Do you do drugs?

[Scion Lazar]

Excuse me?

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Do you do drug? Like, are you a casual weed smoker or like.

[Scion Lazar]

No, no, I live in China. They kill you for that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You live in China now, too? That's the death penalty.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I live in China now. Oh, I live in China. So Wong. I talk like did. Now I teach English.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What song

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

can you imagine? Have you ever heard a White guy with a Chinese accent. This guy was born in Texas. It could happen, and I wanted to.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What'd you say?

[Scion Lazar]

If there's any Chinese people, you know what I'm talking about there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, we don't. We have a very small Chinese.

[Scion Lazar]

How dare you say there's Chinese people in Texas?

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

I talk about that. Not here, actually.

[Scion Lazar]

Is this a clan meeting? What the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, Cyan, relax.

[Scion Lazar]

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A Wuang clan meeting, perhaps?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, so. So.

[Scion Lazar]

All right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What does sion mean?

[BHC Tommy]

Sion.

[Scion Lazar]

It's like Zion in English.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you are.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You are Jewish.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, that's enough.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There you go.

[Jack Shaw]

Down.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

He said buckle up in Hebrew. Tomato, tomato, Ray Romano. You know what I'm saying?

[Scion Lazar]

If I killed your gods, don't mess with me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Don't talk about that in this book.

[Timmy No Breaks]

But.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, all right.

[Scion Lazar]

If we killed God, seriously, do you want to mess with the guy who killed God? I'm just saying.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Yeah. Is that what you use on a first date?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Sal Volcano]

How?

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

You've seen two pussies.

[Scion Lazar]

If they come at me with, you killed God. I'm like, so why you want to fuck with the motherfucker who killed God? You know what I'm saying? It's pretty badass if you ask me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, all right, all right.

[Redban]

I. I'm sorry.

[Scion Lazar]

Like you told. You put it on me. You put it on me. If I. God. Killer. I'm gonna put that on my sweatshirt.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here you go.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Here's a medium sized joke book. Zion.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, thank you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Say on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes, everybody. There he goes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Thank you.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Thank you for the conversation.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Those. Those stores will open up automatically if you just standing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

A lot of handshakes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

There goes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There they go. Thank you. One more time for Scion, everybody. All right. Okay, we have one last bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Leila Engels, everybody. We know Leila. She's been on this show before.

[Layla Engels]

Hi, guys.

[Redban]

Hey.

[Layla Engels]

Mother ship. It's good to be here. I've always had a nervous energy about me my whole life, but stand up has helped me a lot. It's been a huge confidence boost. Sometimes after I get off stage now, people come up to me and they'll be like, layla, great set. And that makes me feel good because they're just B cups. Okay. Sick, sick, sick. A little bit about me. I can't watch Kevin Bacon movies with my dad. He's Muslim. I have been single now for like 13 or 14 months. I don't remember exactly. I'll have to recount the slits on my wrist. It's been 14. I was with a guy for six years, and then after six years, he told me he needed blonde hair and big boobs to come. And I was like, well, we can dye your hair. Okay, thank you, thank you, thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Layla Ingalls.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Welcome back. Layla. How's it going?

[Layla Engels]

It's going good. It's going good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Were you gonna say something else there?

[Layla Engels]

No, it's going good. I just wish I had time to finish my joke. I'm sorry.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did you want to do it? Oh, just do it.

[Layla Engels]

Really? It's kind of long.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How. How long is it?

[Layla Engels]

It'll be no more than 40 seconds.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, there you go. All right. Sure. Let's do it. What do we got to lose at this point? Layla?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go right ahead.

[Layla Engels]

He told me he needed blonde hair and big boobs to come, and I was like, well, we can dye your hair. He. And then I felt like the meow interrupted it. But, you know, I'll be quiet now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. There's just something in the air tonight.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, Layla. That's one way to do it. Layla. Okay, welcome. Welcome back. It's been a while since you've been on the show. It's been about a year, right?

[Layla Engels]

I think it's been two years now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There you go. How's life been going? If I remember correctly, you lived in Ohio.

[Layla Engels]

Yes, yes. I. I still kind of live there, but I'm. I'm more like a vagabond. Is that what it's called?

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

It's called Vagisil. Vagabond with an S.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What do you think? What do you think that means?

[Sal Volcano]

I think it's vagasil.

[Layla Engels]

I think I meant to say vagabond.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Layla Engels]

But I made it sound like vagina and bondage. But it just means I don't have a home.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, what's your living situation, then?

[Layla Engels]

I just. I go where the shows are, so I just travel as many places as I can, doing as many shows as I can. And then when I am in Ohio, I'm staying at my mom's house.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Shout out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So where do you stay when you're, say, here? You have, like, friends?

[Layla Engels]

I'm at an Airbnb.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right. That's better than 90% of tonight's bucket pool, so that's fantastic. Where do you get the money to do things like that? Do you have a job?

[Layla Engels]

I. I have. Yeah.

[Tariq Morales]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's a yes.

[Layla Engels]

You know how only fans does those Specials now?

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dr. Phil does.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

I Mean, I've heard of it. Dr. Phil Most days. Going to fall.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Mustache. Holding on by a thread over here. So Layla, you're on Only Fans.

[Layla Engels]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. What do you do on Only Fans?

[Layla Engels]

Oh God.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What types of things do you do? One of the panelists, I'm not going to say who, but they want to know if there's perhaps some pics of your feet on there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I'm actually, I'm not gonna name any names.

[Layla Engels]

No, I'm really insecure about my feet. Those are, those aren't depicted.

[Jack Shaw]

Oh, wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Makes it hotter. Red band. Red band. That is disgusting. He said it makes it hotter because

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

she's embarrassed about her feet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Greg, text Greg.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Doesn't make it hotter.

[Janice]

More layers the better. I like fucking Eskimos.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. So Layla, what exactly are you doing on OnlyFans?

[Layla Engels]

It started out very wholesome.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

It always does.

[Layla Engels]

I would post like stand up clips, you know, like I would just run jokes by OnlyFans. And then if it was getting like laughing faces and people liked it, I got the confidence to put it on Instagram. But I would just post standup clips and then they'd be like, get your tits out. If you're not doing anal, we won't listen.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Well, in my defense, I was drunk when I wrote that, but I, but, but I didn't. It doesn't mean I didn't mean it, but I take it back because you're very funny. Live in the flesh. For real.

[Layla Engels]

Thanks.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Weird thing to do to workshop your jokes on a porn site.

[Layla Engels]

No, I know. I've always thought it's so weird that only fans want. Wanted to rebrand because, you know, like, they want to do like a sports channel.

[Mario Zapata]

Right.

[Layla Engels]

They want to get out of the porn business and they have a cooking channel because, you know, whenever you want to learn how to marinate a steak, you go to a pornhub. Right? So I think it's.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Yeah, if you want to make some Bolognese, you go to a homeless shelter.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Chicken Bolognese, delicious.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you have a QR code or anything?

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Like,

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

so is it just, just your standup on Only Fans?

[Layla Engels]

It really started that way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uh huh.

[Layla Engels]

I was getting so discouraged. Every comedy post I would make, they just really wanted me to take my clothes off.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you're surprised by this?

[Layla Engels]

I was surprised. I was like, oh, it's a comedy. Only fans.

[Sal Volcano]

And I thought, so what is it now?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Answer the question.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, what is it now?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What is it become?

[Sal Volcano]

Like, what are you doing right now on that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Speak?

[Sal Volcano]

Just tell us what are you doing on there right now? If we went on there right now and paid, what would we see?

[Layla Engels]

Oh, my God.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're like, what has it. What has it evolved to it?

[Layla Engels]

So now I have taken my clothes off. I haven't spread anything, though. It doesn't. The flower hasn't blossomed.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Layla Engels]

I'm so uncomfortable.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Why? It's your life. You're the one on it. You're actually about to make vast sums

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

of money now that you're talking about your only fans on the show.

[Layla Engels]

I know. I am extremely blessed. It's the reason I can afford to go places and get Airbnb's and not have to sleep on couches every night. So I am very blessed. But. But I'm just not like. Like a real, like, sexy energy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you shaved? A red band. Red band? You can't ask female comedians questions like that. We're giving these people the opportunity of

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

a lifetime, and this show is built to give people a chance to live their dreams. Are you sure?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I'm kidding. I'm joking. It's a thing we do.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Anyway, they.

[Layla Engels]

They have requested that I keep a blush.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow, look at that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Who's they? The cast of Space Jam.

[Layla Engels]

I feel like it's gonna be you and Sal after this.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Well, no, I'm happily married, but I appreciate the thought. I do like your sweater. Let me ask you this. Do they ask you. Did they ever. Do they ask you something so weird that you're like, I can't even do that? Or is it all pretty hunky dory?

[Layla Engels]

I. Yeah. I mean, I have gotten requested to, like, if I could, like, jerk off a dildo with my feet and stuff. And I'm like, it doesn't even have skin to move. How am I gonna.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Again, When I wrote that, I thought that I was being playful and jovial. The ass. Jovial.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jovial is the word I'm looking for.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Yeah, but, you know, take 100% of the shots. You don't. What is it, Gretzky?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sal Volcano]

You missed 100% of the shots.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

You say we're moving on.

[Sal Volcano]

Yes,

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

it is.

[Sal Volcano]

So you were, like, on Only Fans and you were like, oh, you know, I. I have to check and see the 13 or 14. I have to check my wrists, and

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

they were like, jerk off a dildo with your feet.

[Layla Engels]

Yeah, yeah. No, for real. When I was contracted with Only Fans, part of the contract was you had to go live twice. Twice a month. And so then it would just be me talking about, like, how comedy's going in my life. And then one day I was kind of sad and I was like, guys, I'm kind of sad today. And then they're like, so do you do customs? And it's just, It's a lot. They don't give a. It's a. It's a joke to try to do anything other than sex stuff on only fans. They're not gonna have me back after this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I. I think. I think you're gonna be just fine.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Disagree. I think you've upped the ante.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you have any.

[Janice]

If you have any, spread your wings. And then you said, yet. Is there a date we're all looking forward to? Is there a big payoff?

[Layla Engels]

I don't want to say, like, I don't want to say I'll never do anything because I've already done way more than I ever thought I would.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like what? We know what you haven't done. You haven't spread it. Yeah, but what have you done? What could someone, let's say one of the millions of people watching this. What have you done? It's a fair question. Let me remind you, you could have gotten a job like everybody else did,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

but you wanted to take the easiest possible route, which is posting clips of

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

your stand up on only fans. You signed a deal. And things got a little wild after you started reading what people were writing you.

[Layla Engels]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So what's the most extreme thing you've done?

[Layla Engels]

Oh, my God. It's. It's really not bad. It's a. Once I was just wearing a nice dress, you know, it's a fully nice dress. Much like the ladies here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Slow.

[Layla Engels]

And I. I was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Don't pay any attention to the fucking Weeble in the corner.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah,

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

go ahead.

[Layla Engels]

I. I rolled a blunt on my bed, kind of bending over. And then once the blunt was rolled, I put a big jacket on and I went outside to smoke it because it was cold outside. And then I went back in my room and then I took the jacket off. And then I took everything off,

[Sal Volcano]

even

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

the blunt paper off the weed or.

[Layla Engels]

And then I kind of just like rolled around on my bed like, oh, does this look sexy? And then this was the Stand up

[Sal Volcano]

or this was the.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

How much do people throw at you for that? Because that's, I mean, good on you, by the way. I mean, you know, people want to pay and, you know, you got to give it. You know, it's. You're. I. I support taking advantage of perverts, you know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

So good on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, yeah.

[Layla Engels]

I mean, it's literally the reason why I'm able to like get better at. At stand up and stuff.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Layla Engels]

I can wake up and write and then hit mics every night, do shows as much as I can and like don't have to worry about money. So I'm using it to chase my passion.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you just have to go live twice a month. Is that the.

[Layla Engels]

That was when I was on the contract. I'm not on the contract anymore, so I can post as little or as much as I want.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How often is that?

[Layla Engels]

Right now? I probably. I post like twice a month.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Layla Engels]

I usually. It ranges from like 35, like 30 to 35 for a post. You're nodding. Are you on there? I'm.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So do you have like an only fans name or is it your name?

[Layla Engels]

It's. It's me. It's my name. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Layla Engels]

No alias, right? Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

For those of you watching the show, that's L E Y L A I N G A L L S. We're trying to. We're trying to get you some money.

[Layla Engels]

I appreciate it. It is a mind to me because for about a year now I've been in the top.51% of all content creators on only fans.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Layla Engels]

And it freaks me out because it's like me and then the top porn stars and they like are doing anal

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

and stuff and that's overrated.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You'll get there. We support small business here too. Red band getting awfully chatty on this bucket pool.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You going to invite her to the

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

secret show or you going to pretend

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

like you're shy about it? I already know from her only fan bot that she's out of town Thursday. So next time.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is that true?

[Layla Engels]

I am out of town on Thursday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Well, hey, I've got. I've got an idea.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Dr. Phil.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Well, a good friend of mine, Adam Ray Jew is gonna be here headlining the mothership this weekend. You want to do a guest spot on one of the shows?

[Layla Engels]

Oh my God, I would love.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, look at that. Layla Engels. Wait, she just said she's not in town. The bot doesn't lie.

[Layla Engels]

Well, what, what, what day?

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

March 31st, 2039. No, this February 6th or 7th.

[Layla Engels]

That's this weekend. Is it Friday? Saturday?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Layla Engels]

Okay, well, I was gonna. I'm in just in Houston on Thursday. I'm co headlining the riot. But I will come back and be here.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Yeah, one of those just.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There you go.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Message. Yeah.

[Layla Engels]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dr. Phil's gonna get a little Instagram DM tonight. I hope it goes to the actual Dr. Phil.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. Hey, can I still do guest spots this weekend?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, what the hell? What is this girl?

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Robin? I swear I don't know. The woman in the sweater. You know how I'm allergic to wool.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Layla.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fun times. There she goes. Layla Ingalls, everybody. What an episode we started with William Montgomery. We had the great Dedrick Flynn.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Ari.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Maddie is in Estonia being the celebrity, biggest celebrity in the history of his country. So you must be asking yourself, how do you close an episode that starts with William Montgomery has three of the funniest comedians in the world on the panel. And I think there's only one option. This young buck came on the show, won a golden ticket, and then took over. Just complete full control, became one of the most intimidating forces in the history of the show. So much so that I let him do whatever he wants. It's been a while since he's been on. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the long awaited return of the one and only Timmy. No breaks.

[Mario Zapata]

All right,

[Timmy No Breaks]

Big pop in the beginning, listen, a lot of people have been saying, timmy, no jokes this, Timmy, no jokes that. I know I can write jokes. So I wrote a few jokes for you guys. I have a lot of nervous energy, but stand up has given me a lot of confidence because sometimes after I get off stage, people come up to me and say, great set. And that makes me feel good because they're just B cups. Take notes, you fucking dumbass retards. It's pretty fucking easy. He's another one. Sam J, ladies and gentlemen. She's a black lesbo, which means she doesn't eat pussy. She all hell gnaws on it. Relinquish my time.

[Teja (Tai J)]

Wow.

[Mario Zapata]

What the fuck?

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Timmy No Breaks]

What's up, gay guys? How we doing, everybody?

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

We good?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Timmy Motherfucking no breaks.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Absolutely incredible.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Oh, thank you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That I recognize some of that material.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Well, yeah, Tone, it was a cover. I mean, what are you talking about? In music, we do covers. I do a lot of music now. I'm not just a comedian, so it's totally normal to do covers.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The number one comedy album on itunes.

[Timmy No Breaks]

I am the n. Well, yeah, number one comedy album on itunes, but if you have an ipod shuffle, you're probably bumping that all the time. I bet you love my.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Make some noise for my album, you retard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he is. No mercy, no breaks.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The only person that we should actually buckle up for.

[Timmy No Breaks]

I totally agree. I totally agree with that. Thank you, Timmy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Unbelievable.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Oh, look at this guy. Is this Dr. Phil?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

What's up, player?

[Sal Volcano]

Hey, Timmy.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Good to see you.

[BHC Tommy]

Little.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Good to see you too. What kind of doctor are you?

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

That's a personal question. But if you follow me on Facebook, I'll give you a couple responses that might direct you towards what I have. You know, I haven't been practicing for quite some time, Timmy, but. But originally it was psychotherapy and then just social work stuff. Just kind of a lot of parenting.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Oh, so you're not a gynecologist. You're fucking gay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's fucking gay. Little fun fact for you.

[Timmy No Breaks]

That got way bigger, Pop.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What the is going on?

[Timmy No Breaks]

I call him gay.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

I have seen a co. I've seen a couple vaginas.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Your wife's right, right? You show your wife.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

My wife. And you know, every fourth of July we try to spice things up. She brings a friend over, usually somebody I follow on. Only fans anyways.

[Timmy No Breaks]

What else is going on?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Kong, I was just gonna say a

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

little fun fact for you. Kill Tony. Die hard fans out there. This is the first time in which Timmy. No breaks. And Dr. Phil or any form of Dr. Phil have ever been on the same show at the same time. This is quite the eclipse.

[BHC Tommy]

Very gratic.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it's like the traveling Wilberries or something like that. Two all time greats all of a sudden. Wait a second. What. What is that?

[Timmy No Breaks]

What are you talking. I mean, it.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Grills.

[Timmy No Breaks]

I'm doing. I'm doing good.

[Mario Zapata]

Tom,

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

you have a grill now too?

[Timmy No Breaks]

Yeah, I'm making money. I'm doing good. I got a. I got a entourage now. It's pretty good. You want to meet him?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Jack Shaw]

Yeah.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Guys, come on out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You have an entourage?

[Timmy No Breaks]

I got a fucking entourage.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Teja (Tai J)]

Holy.

[Redban]

Whoa. Yeah.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Give it up for my entourage, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Redban]

Oh.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Give it up for my entourage. This is Ledankti. He's my weed roller. This is Le Suquel. He yells at waiters for me. This is my driver. I don't know who the fuck that

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

guy is, but I mean, Johnny Drama,

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

everyone's black except for that one.

[Timmy No Breaks]

No, he's black.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That.

[Timmy No Breaks]

This is a black man. What are you talking about?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That Asian guy?

[Teja (Tai J)]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What does he do? Teach English in Atlanta.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Is that callback or something? I don't know what that was. Yeah, well, anyways, we wanted to do a quick rap if that's okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Want you guys to hold. Hold off on doing any of the music, but I'm just going to start with a little bit of acapella. So here we go.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. Acapella, Timmy. No breaks. Who is obviously black now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, he brought his own microphone. Is that. Is that hooked up? Shut the up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Holy.

[Redban]

I sound like Morgan J and Tony.

[William Montgomery]

Really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[Redban]

Whoa. What the. What the was that?

[Timmy No Breaks]

Get the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're fine.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Get the out of here.

[Mario Zapata]

Guys.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Tom, sorry. That's crazy. You never can say the N word, Tom. But.

[Teja (Tai J)]

But.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Jesus Christ, that was intense.

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

I thought that was hilarious.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Well, now I don't have an entourage. Any entourage. He wants to be a part of my entourage. This guy. That black guy right there. All right, I'm coming over there. Sorry, Tony, I gotta head over there. Give me a sec.

[Redban]

Hey, John Dees, play the key.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's no black guy over there, baby, with a spotlight.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Tickle those peas, John. This guy is not fucking black. This guy's not black.

[Redban]

I can't see shit.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Everybody looks fucking black.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, look.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Do you still want to be in my entourage?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, I do.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Okay, let's see if you can think on your feet.

[Redban]

Do you think we should defund the police?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, we shouldn't.

[Redban]

Let's get the camera to come in here. Focus on his face. And for the crowd, we're clip. I want you to say yes. Policeman, can you stand right here? Now do you think we should dip on the police?

[Sal Volcano]

No, I'm good.

[Redban]

Can you sing him as Miranda rides?

[Mario Zapata]

I'd have to read it off a card. Cause I didn't go to college.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Holy shit.

[Redban]

You can be in my entourage. Shoot this guy in the fucking face. Where else should we go? Who wants to be in my entourage? Let me ask you. Let me ask you. Do you think I should have shot those people? No, you can't be in my entourage. You can't be in my entourage. Not in my entourage. By the way, if you don't want me to interact with you, lay down on the ground. Face down. Okay, this guy's a patient. Let me ask you a question. Do you know how to read?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, I don't read.

[Redban]

Who knows how to read? This guy. This guy knows how to read.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Can you read this?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Timmy, stand on the other side of him so it's framed properly.

[Redban]

Oh, yeah. Come here.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Push in. Get on his face.

[Redban]

Thanks for the suggestion, Tone. Now shut the fuck up. Here we go.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Read it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have no gun.

[Robert Carroll]

No, seriously, I have a gun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's in my right pocket. I was able to sneak it in because I 3D printed it.

[Redban]

Allah is the one true God. I found a person for my entourage. This guy's in my entourage. We have an entourage. Fuck you, Tone. Now the only way that we could

[Timmy No Breaks]

possibly wrap up a show is with a song.

[Redban]

And the only person that can sing

[Timmy No Breaks]

a song with Timmy no breaks is Redbitt. Just fucking kidding. It's Dr. Phil.

[Redban]

Back to Phil. Hit it. I wanna be in your entourage. What do I have to do?

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

I'll take you there to the airport.

[Redban]

I'll even wipe your butt after you poo.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Well, you're not a guy get college in.

[Redban]

But if it's between you and this old newspaper boy, I choose you. I choose you. You choose me? I choose you. Holy soul. Holy g. And that is your. This will stand in your charge. But if you. Don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Timmy motherfucking no breaks, ladies and gentlemen. What can I say? He gets to do whatever he wants. He's earned it.

[Redban]

Why the world that guy said he has a gun. Are we just gonna skip over that?

[Dr. Phil McGraw]

Okay, shave your head. You're back. You're forcing your friend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One more time for Timmy no breaks, ladies and gentlemen. And how about his entourage? Dr. Phil, everybody, who is proudly endorsing the who is he? Adam Ray theater tour. Get [e-mail] he's going to Australia. Australia, Canada and all around America. One more time for Dr. Phil. And one more time for the great, great Fitzsimmons, ladies and gentlemen. Going to Philly, Lexington, Houston, all around Fitz Dog Radio. That's F I T zdog or fitzdog.com for tickets. And then one more time for the great Sal Volcano, everybody. He's going to Nashville, Texas, Tennessee. Doing the ryman sell volcano comedy.com is podcast Manouche and new episodes of the Impractical Jokers every Thursday on tbs. We're going to the Intuit Dome in Los Angeles, California, a large state of the art arena. To make our return back to where Kill Tony started in la. How exciting is that? How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Red Band. Check out Cat Red 7 on iTunes. And Spotify. We love you guys. Fun times tonight. You guys have a good time. Thank you. We love you. Good night, everybody.

[Redban]

Ram.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Sa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's wide awake in her whiskey hole.