#747 - HARLAND WILLIAMS + NICK ROCHEFORT

Summary

Kill Tony #747 – Harland Williams + Nick Rochefort

Date: December 9, 2025
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, Texas
Guests: Harland Williams (2024 Guest of the Year), Nick Rochefort (Comedian & Antiquarian)

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Episode Overview

The 747th episode of Kill Tony brings high-energy chaos, unfiltered stand-up, and unpredictable crowd interviews from Austin’s Comedy Mothership. This week’s panel features the legendary Harland Williams and first-timer Nick Rochefort, anchoring a night that oscillates between career-level sets, wild interviews, and laugh-out-loud crowd work. Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban orchestrate with their trademark blend of roasting and encouragement, making space for both breakout moments and on-the-fly evisceration.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Panel Introductions & Opening Banter ([02:08])

• Tony Hinchcliffe welcomes Harland Williams (returning, reigning guest of the year) and Nick Rochefort (first timer).
• Harland jokes about rushing out of the house, leaving a seven-layer lasagna in the oven, leading to a running lasagna gag.

"The highest I've done is a 12. Back during the space shuttle era... I did a 14-layer lasagna, stuck them all over my Corvette, and went 102 through Bakersfield." —Harland Williams (04:18)

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2. Comedians from the Bucket

Each bucket pull gives comics 60 seconds, followed by panel critique/interview.

a. Danny Martinello ([06:53–13:19])

• Jokes: Taking baths as a masculine man, "floating penis," mispronouncing "charcuterie."
• Panel: Roasts his pronunciation and ADHD energy; story about being forced to take Ritalin as a kid, and giving it to a friend who snorted it in the bathroom.
• Harland Williams riffs on bath penises:

  "The penis does float. The little hole in the tip gasps for air like a koi fish." ([09:08])

• Stories include dealing with "Montezuma's revenge" in Mexico after a wedding.

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b. Matthew Coffin ([13:55–19:18])

• Jokes: Trump operation names, dog named Lucius Fox, phone giving dog discipline tips.
• Reveals: Works strip club parking, hangs with dog 24/7, calls dog "furry fleshlight" (cringe joke), history of head injury and carny/clown work.
• Panel: Deeply skeptical and quick to roast for awkwardness.
• Tony:

  "This is a real human being, ladies and gentlemen. Just know these aren't character actors that we hire." ([17:41])

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c. Offender ([20:02–28:43])

• Jokes: Southern stereotypes, Florida/Alabama roast, becoming a "pot grower," and homeless stories.
• Shares: Lived in a short bus, now has an apartment, recently fought at Skank Fest and won with an arm bar.
• Panel probes tattoo choices; Harland asks about hygiene strategies among homeless people, riffs about "cracking a loaf" on the street.
• Offender answers candidly:

  "Shockingly, nothing. They don't wash their hands either." ([24:42])

• Harland:

  "Ever wipe your crack with your golden fleecy hair?" ([25:11])

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d. Emo Maw ([29:13–39:51])

• Jokes: Being from South Sudan, living in Australia, black/African diaspora, Olympics reference.
• Panel: Harland compliments his skin, leading to riffs on white anxiety and reverse slavery.
• Discusses experiences with racism, moving as a refugee, working call centers and warehouse jobs, fiancée from Indian background.
• Tony:

  "When I was a kid, I was afraid of the dark, and now here I am... Meeting you. So what scares you?"
  Emo Maw: "White people." ([32:12–32:14])

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e. Ashley Ann ([40:33–46:15])

• Jokes: Bisexual ex, discovering Grindr, wild threesomes.
• Interview: Relationship trauma, ex in prison for DUI and armed robbery, new fiancé is legally blind.
• Panel: Roasts for lack of answers, slow pace, and crazy relationship history.

"This is perhaps one of the craziest ex-girlfriends we've ever had on this show." —Tony ([42:02])

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f. Ari Matti (Regular) ([47:25–58:05])

• Jokes: "How American movies play overseas" (Oppenheimer, Marley and Me, Denzel Washington).
• Relates: Stories about Russian bullies in Estonia; trip to Mexico, seeing Jewish tourists haggle scooter deposits.
• Panel discusses Halloween costumes and Islam; Harland riffs as always.

"Every Denzel movie is just him at a diner. Kills 26 people, Takes down a whole syndicate. It's a hot hooker though, you gotta save a hot hooker." —Ari Matti ([48:13])

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g. Jack Hemphill ([58:41–63:48])

• Jokes: Lesbian barber shop, male/female enhancement pills, dad’s abusive seafood diet, and racial punchlines.
• Shares: Fired from cold-calling job for lateness, plans to “become Mexican” by learning Spanish in Mexico.
• Panel roasts for resemblance to Natalie Portman; Harland:

  "It breaks my heart to see Natalie Portman out of work." ([62:34])

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h. Doc Ferry ([65:44–76:32])

• Jokes: Surrounded by women, ex-wives, wild punishments, wife horror stories.
• Interview: Three failed marriages, ex-wife causing PTSD, stories about military contract work, and urology visits.
• Harland:

  "Do your hands get bigger every time you beat the out of one of your wives?" ([69:31])

• Wild tangent on getting "DP'd at the urologist" and bodily woes.

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i. Jack McWilliams ([77:17–86:47])

• Jokes: Lana del Rey “Pepsi” reference, TV product placement, Walking Dead.
• Panel: Praised for professionalism and stability, potential Mothership door guy.
• Shares: Golf caddy, long-distance relationship, praise for Texas supermarket HEB.

"What you have to understand is that it's real and it's an anomaly." —Tony, on HEB ([83:22])

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j. Paula ([87:30–94:56])

• Jokes: Synchronized swimming, jokes about product durability, tighty whities.
• Interview: First time doing standup, stories about being on Steve Harvey, family mob hit, background as fitness trainer.
• Panel: Roasts for "child-catcher" Pulp Fiction and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang references.
• Harland repeatedly:

  "Children, come out children…" ([91:23])

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k. Jenny Ann ([95:36–102:46])

• Jokes: Nerd emoji, "hot or not," AI outsourcing, dating.
• Interview: Former Hoka shoe model, struggles to say anything interesting, dates, selling a vintage car on the show, cold interviews.
• Panel: Continually riffing on lack of personality, threatens to make her “wait a year” before signing up again.

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3. Closing Regular – William Montgomery ([104:56–114:31])

• Fresh, rapid-fire one-liners on Kevlar, ChatGPT, and sports bras, followed by riffing on personal life.
• Shares a slump due to giving up rowing and bird incidents ("Birds flying into my windows. Dying. Seriously, it's been weird." ([111:03]))
• Nick offers lamp rugs for sale, more lamp and rug tangents, Harland throws in references (Alfred Hitchcock, Arby’s, Jamoca shake), and William’s mood is thawed by the panel’s affection.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Harland Williams (on lasagna):
  "The highest I've done is a 12... I did a 14-layer lasagna, cut it up like space tiles, stuck them all over my Corvette Stingray, and I went 102 through Bakersfield." ([04:18])

• Danny Martinello (on baths):
  "If having a bath makes me feminine, then tuck my nuts and call me Danielle." ([06:53])

• Offender (on homelessness):
  "Shockingly, nothing. They don't wash their hands either." ([24:42])

• Tony Hinchcliffe (on bucket randomness):
  "This is a real human being, ladies and gentlemen. These aren't like character actors that we hire." ([17:41])

• Emo Maw (on American guns):
  "I'm from Africa. Of course I've shot guns." ([33:19])

• Ashley Ann (relationship drama):
  "It was actually because he's a whore. Bisexual I can deal with, but bi-loyal, absolutely not." ([40:53])

• Doc Ferry (urology):
  "He...shove it in my ass. I'm just holding on. He pulls it out...and then I joked, 'cleaned up and joked with the guy.' He said, 'that's the next room.' And I said, 'fuck me.'" ([75:37])

• Harland Williams (roasting Paula):
  "It's nice to see the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang making a comeback." ([90:31])

• Ari Matti (Denzel):
  "Every Denzel movie is just him at a diner. Kills 26 people, takes down a whole syndicate. It's a hot hooker, though. You gotta save a hot hooker." ([48:13])

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Highlighted Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment/Highlight | |------------|----------------------------------------------------------------| | 02:08 | Guest introductions, lasagna banter | | 06:53 | Danny Martinello's set: baths, charcuterie, ADHD jokes | | 13:55 | Matthew Coffin: dog, strip club parking, odd revelations | | 20:02 | Offender: homelessness, pot growing, Skank Fest fight story | | 29:13 | Emo Maw: Sudan/Australia, race humor, life as a refugee | | 40:33 | Ashley Ann: bisexual ex, wild relationships, fiancé's blindness| | 47:25 | Ari Matti regular set: movies abroad, Russian kids, Mexico | | 58:41 | Jack Hemphill: joblessness, racial jokes, relationship stories | | 65:44 | Doc Ferry: ex-wives, PTSD, urology, military career | | 77:17 | Jack McWilliams: Pepsi joke, real comic, golf caddy life | | 87:30 | Paula: Olympic past, Steve Harvey, mother, child-catcher gags | | 95:36 | Jenny Ann: nerd emoji, shoe modeling, awkward dating life | |104:56 | William Montgomery closing: one-liners, fighting a slump, birds|

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Tone & Language

• Panel: Relentless, sarcastic, at times absurdist. Harland Williams dips into surreal bits, Tony is quick-witted, Nick Rochefort brings dry, biting humor.
• Comedians: Range from seasoned pros to raw amateurs; authenticity and awkwardness are both milked for comedy. Audience laughter often comes from the interview/roasting phase.
• Notable Riffs: Lasagna jokes, HEB grocery-store worship, running gags about blindness/deafness, bath penises, child-catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, and "waiting a year" for improved talent.

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Summary

Kill Tony #747 is a prime example of controlled chaos – a live podcast that feels like open-mic night veering between uncomfortably real strangers, brilliant off-the-cuff panel humor, and an enduring faith in the lottery system that sometimes–just sometimes–turns up gold. The contrast between earnest hopefuls and the towering wit of Hinchcliffe, Williams, and Rochefort is both the source of pain and pleasure for the audience. Not every bucket pull is a home run, but the ones that hit, hit hard – and the panel makes sure everyone, audience included, knows exactly why.

Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're

[Red Band]

listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe.

[Red Band]

You can also check out shopsquad TV

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever, Shop Squad tv.

[Red Band]

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Redman coming you live

[Red Band]

from the comedy mothership here in Austin,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hitscan. Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? Thanks a night for the Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. And the best damn band in the land. Raul Vallejo. Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Matt Muhling, John Dees. And that is DE D Madness. Live in the flesh. Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed Kill Tony, the number one podcast live podcast in the world. Brought to you by ExpressVPN and Shopify. You guys ready for a good time tonight? Good looking crowd we got. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

[Harland Williams]

She's wide awake in her whiskey. Hope.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys ready start this show or what, huh? Every single week I have two of the best comedians in the world on this show. This is a fun one. This is a little chemistry set for you. Cuz sometimes I take great pride in introducing some of the top rising comedians in the world on this panel. We were one of the first shows ever to show you, you know, Tim Dillon coming up and Shane Gillis coming up many, many years ago. This is one of those nights where you get a little bit of both. You get one of the, the first time guests who I think is funny as and you have an absolute complete legend. In fact he is the reigning defending 2024 guest of the year. Ladies and gentleme two guests tonight are Harland Williams and Nick Rochefort.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God, there he is. Harlan Williams. Nick Rochefort. Harlon is back. Ladies and gentlemen of the Harlan Highway. Nick Rochefort is on the stage, scuffed real tour. Welcome Nick. Holy, how exciting. Harland Williams, buddy.

[Harland Williams]

I am, I gotta say I'm a little anxiety ridden tonight. I rushed out of the house and I don't know, mostly the women might relate to this one but I'm a. I don't like to come up here nervous or out of sorts. But I'm gonna be honest, I left a Seven layer lasagna in the oven. Well, if you're gonna laugh. Seven layers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are the different layers?

[Harland Williams]

Well, let's not be nosy. The highest I've done is a 12. And this was during back during the. Do you remember the space shuttle era?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

And they used. And they used to put those. They used to put the space tiles on the space shuttle. Do you remember that? And they deflected the heat and they allowed the space shuttle to ease back into Earth. And kind of like what you do to wife, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

And what I used to do, Tony, Daddy likes to drive fast. And so what I do, I did a 14 layer lasagna. I cut it up the same size as the space tile, stuck them all over my Corvette Stingray, and I went 102 through Bakersfield.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, that is amazing. Nick Rochefort is here. Ladies. The debut of Nick Rochefort in the Kill Tony universe. How we doing, Nick?

[Nick Rochefort]

I made an eight layer lasagna. Here's the thing about space. I worked on the Space is Fake,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

but I know we're gonna have some fun here tonight. Nick's first time on the show. Nick, you might not know, but over 300 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity to get pulled out of this bucket if it happens. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. I'm going to let this convict on the run. Pick the first name. It's very exciting. He dug in there a little bit. He pulled one out. Very, very exciting. And like that, we go wrangle that comedian who has no idea that they just got selected. They're over. It's dark, it's gloomy. At Shakespeare's next door, people are. There's a little water cooler. They keep refilling their little plastic cups. And some of them are drinking. They have a deal with what is a vodka soda pitcher for like $3. Some of them are like, I'm not getting pulled. And they just start getting drunk over there. We have a DUI breathalyzer to check them in case they get too up. Anything can happen. We crush dreams here and we make superstars all the time. Anything happen. Let's start the show. Your first comedian, he's from Canada. He's a very, very energized young bunny rabbit. Make some noise for the return of Danny Martinello, ladies and gentlemen. Here he is.

[Danny Martinello]

Recently, I was told, taking a bath Makes me feminine. And if having a bath makes me feminine, then tuck my nuts and call me Danielle. Cuz I do not give a. You know how many times I've seen you girls take those bathtub photos with your foot underneath the faucet and like a half a glass of chardonnay in the corner. Mind you, it's a full bottle. And then the little motivational quote of like, live your best life, queen. Be who you're supposed to be. Like, I want to have that so bad. I saw a girl have a chartreuse tray in the back of her bathtub. I'm like, why can't I have a bruschetta and a bath bomb as a bro, you know? Like, I already take a shit and I eat a parfait. I might as well have a meat and cheese spread while I bathe. I'd have to make it more manly though, right? I'd have to have a half crushed Modelo can in the corner. And instead of a chartreuse tray, though, just a floating zen puck in the background, you know? But I fear if I took that photo, one of my buddies would just zoom in on the stainless steel faucet, catch my dick just floating right in the middle of the tub.

[Red Band]

Cause that's what it does. I'm not gonna lie.

[Danny Martinello]

It's just a buoy sitting in the middle of the lake, flaccid, just chilling, you know, because that's what I do whenever I see you girls take those photos. I'm fucking zooming, dude. To the point where I can't zoom no more. And then I just take a screenshot and zoom in an extra little bit just to see if I can catch a dorsal fin underneath the water.

[Red Band]

Thank you, guys.

[Danny Martinello]

I'll be Danny Martinello.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Danny Martinello, representing Canada here tonight. Let me ask you a question, Danny.

[Red Band]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you ever heard anyone else. Have you only read the word chartute? Have you ever talked with anyone about shark shootery? Have you run that by anybody?

[Danny Martinello]

Honest, Like, I don't even really know

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

how to read, dude.

[Danny Martinello]

Have you ever just sounded out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you ever spoken with anybody about chart?

[Danny Martinello]

Yeah, usually I'm like, can I just have some extra cheese and then like meats and stuff on it? But it's charcuterie, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you're doing it on purpose.

[Danny Martinello]

Well, you guys figured it out, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, we thought you were for a second.

[Danny Martinello]

I mean, it ain't no difference than any of day. Tony, you always think I'm retarded.

[Harland Williams]

The way you say it, bro. It sounds Like a bowel disease, honestly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

And if I can just add to the floating penis thing. I mean, I think there's something you really forgot that we got to add. And most. You might not know this, but the penis does float. And the little hole in the tip gasps for air like a koi fish. So if you throw fish food in a man's bath, you'll eat it all up. And for you ladies, let's be honest, you just drown in a corned beef sandwich when you take a bath.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true. That is true. So you've been enjoying baths? This is all real?

[Danny Martinello]

Yeah, I've been trying to, like, just relax and stuff. And I sit in the bath. I like the shower anyway, so I was like, I might as well just fill it up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have roommates?

[Danny Martinello]

No, not really.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. Like, not really, No.

[Danny Martinello]

I have a roommate, but he lives in Canada. And then he only comes like a couple times a year. So, like, I'm kind of like, just living on my own, which is pretty sick. Yeah, I miss him so much and I wish he would show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, I thought you guys would

[Danny Martinello]

have fun with that, but Wacky don't really gave a. He thought I was gonna jump on and do a five star frog splash on the table.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Danny, what kind of Adderall are you on exactly?

[Danny Martinello]

Canadian, Mexican, severely over diagnosed and undermedicated. I don't. I don't do any of that stuff because I feel like it takes away from my spirit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. So you've tried it? You've tried it?

[Danny Martinello]

Yeah, I was. I was forced to take Ritalin in grade four through seven and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you felt like it affected your creativity in grades four through seven?

[Danny Martinello]

Yes, I was. I was a. I was a stunted artist in that year and. And it took away my shine. And my mom said he's just a difficult spirit. You should be able to handle them as a teacher. But Edmonton public school board made me, like, take Ritalin if I wanted to stay in Edmonton.

[Harland Williams]

So this Ritalin you took, you said you took it daily?

[Danny Martinello]

Yeah, I had to take it at lunch.

[Harland Williams]

How many cases a day did you take?

[Danny Martinello]

Just one pill. And it was funny. Like they lined us up like little lab rats and we'd have to go check in at the office and go.

[Jack Hemphill]

And then.

[Danny Martinello]

But. But I didn't take. I'd put it under, like, in the pocket, and then I would give it to this kid named Jamie Anderson, and I'd watch him snort it in the urinal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Danny Martinello]

Grade 5. It was pretty sick.

[Harland Williams]

You were like, A riddle and Pez machine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Red Band]

I just.

[Danny Martinello]

And then it would come.

[Harland Williams]

Well, that's a cunnilingus machine right there.

[Red Band]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

Are you shooting them into your girl's vulva?

[Danny Martinello]

Yeah, from afar. Like. Like a Thai ping pong.

[Harland Williams]

Let's see.

[Nick Rochefort]

Can you do that with your mouth again?

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, yeah.

[Danny Martinello]

I don't know why two men want

[Jack McWilliams]

nervous open my mouth like that, but here we are.

[Harland Williams]

That's a Pez vulva right there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very scary. Danny, what else is going on in your life? Anything else?

[Danny Martinello]

Nothing much. I came back from. I went to Mexico for wedding, which was pretty fun, except for I got Monuma's revenge.

[Harland Williams]

What.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What exactly is that? Describe that to the people.

[Danny Martinello]

It's where you just basically through a badminton racket for five days.

[William Montgomery]

So.

[Danny Martinello]

Yeah, I had traveler's diarrhea, was pretty good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You drink the water like Charlotte from

[Red Band]

Sex in the City?

[Danny Martinello]

Yeah, we got a little bit up and an ice cube took me out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Offender]

You know, you're tough.

[Danny Martinello]

Hey, you just get a slushy drink and you're like. But it was pretty good. I mean, yeah, I enjoyed it. It was fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You enjoyed the diarrhea in Mexico? Yeah.

[Danny Martinello]

So I was hitting the buffet a little too big. And then. So then I. By the end of it, I was

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

like, so Canadian, right? Oh, I was hitting a buffet too big.

[Danny Martinello]

Yeah.

[Matthew Coffin]

What?

[Danny Martinello]

Well, you know, right? You like just. You just gorge yourself at it, right? Because it's like. You're like, it. You're like a Roman and you're like, I'm gonna eat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Don't look at the Mexicans like that. What are you turning around for? You're spinning around now, Immigrant to another.

[Danny Martinello]

I don't know. This is the safest place over here besides Harlan Eyes. I'm looking at Tony and then he's like, oh, no, something's going to come. I don't trust you, dude. I don't know what's up, but I don't.

[Nick Rochefort]

Shouldn't, pal. You're fucking damn right you shouldn't,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Danny.

[Danny Martinello]

Yeah, no, I was all right, and it was good. And then I. There's. Yeah, I don't know. I don't feel like I'm talking too much right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perfect. Danny, congratulations. You started the show with a minute.

[Red Band]

Thanks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes. Back to Canada he goes. Danny Martinello, everybody. This is where things get interesting because we are going to the bucket for our first time tonight, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to meet human beings all together. This is the bread and butter of the show people can become stars out of this bucket. They can blow it. The pressure can get to them. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket bowl of the night is Matthew Coffin, Ladies and gentlemen. Here we go.

[Matthew Coffin]

So, of course, Trump would call an operation that requires massive missiles to deeply penetrate a mountain to destroy a nuclear facility, Operation Midnight Hammer, which I don't even feel creative saying it at all, because I'm sure me just like millions of other people, all thought the same thing. And that's the perfect name for a black porn star. I mean, come on. Coming tonight, Midnight Hammer. But anyways, just for the proof, he's our dick. Anyways, the older I get, I feel like the more I'm turning into an old black lady. Especially during the winter time. I always feel like I need a little afghan or a little shawl around my shoulder. And I'm always saying, lord have mercy. For some reason, my cell phone thinks that my nuts stink and I beat my dog. And I don't know how. I mean, I don't know why my phone thinks my nuts stink. It's that, like, the phone has a nose or anything, and I don't talk about that stuff or anything, but it thinks I beat my dog. I get these little alerts on my phone that says, don't abuse your animal. There's other ways to discipline it. And it's because I sing to him and say stupid, like, oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy, holy. Matthew.

[Matthew Coffin]

I just get that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is checking with Nick Rocha for it.

[Nick Rochefort]

That's one suicidal Pomeranian right there, I'll tell you that much.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Nick Rochefort]

Yeah. Saddest do that's ever lived.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That poor dog, just walking around. Not even walking around. Probably dying to run away right now.

[Nick Rochefort]

He's happy you stopped talking.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, I thought it was a cat, to be honest. A suitcase cat. It's got a fucking handle.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The dog is the most interesting part of your entire set. You really just like. Do you practice this, Matthew? Do you, like, try?

[Matthew Coffin]

Yeah, it's been a really busy week. I haven't actually been on stage in about three weeks because I've been busy, like, work working.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What have you been doing for work

[Matthew Coffin]

work between over here? Like I told you last time, I've been working over at the strip club now, too. Working a parking lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're working the parking lot at the strip club? What exactly are you doing in the parking lot?

[Matthew Coffin]

Would you like general parking or vip?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And that's what you do mostly, and

[Matthew Coffin]

try to direct Uber drivers that don't speak English where to go in the right way. And Stuff like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's fun, right? And do you have your dog with you when you're doing that?

[Matthew Coffin]

Nope. He hangs out by the car and he's, he got his little leash attached to the inside of the car and he's got his little pillow out there and everything. Hangs out there with me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How long have you had this dog for?

[Matthew Coffin]

All eight years of his life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All eight years of his life. And what's the name of the dog?

[Matthew Coffin]

His name's Lucius Fox.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right. So Matthew, that is what you would call your service animal, correct?

[Matthew Coffin]

Yeah, I had to pay the extra for it. Cause I can't be without him. He can't be without me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He can be without you. He could be with anybody else.

[Matthew Coffin]

Ask anybody next door.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And have you been diagnosed with anything? Is there a reason why you have a service dog or is that just your trick to life? Is that what makes people think you're okay?

[Matthew Coffin]

I didn't even know it was a thing like to use like service animals like to get your not have to pay for certain things for your apartment and stuff. I had no idea. I was just like, I was talking too late on the, like I, I can't be without him. He can't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You answered an entirely different question.

[Matthew Coffin]

I'm saying I can't be without him. I, I have to talk to a lady to get the license and all that. So I was like, I, I, I can't be without him. He can't be without me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is a real human being, ladies and gentlemen. Just know these aren't like character actors that we hire, something like that.

[Harland Williams]

Like, do you think you're sending the wrong message? Standing in a parking lot holding a dog in a place where you're trying to sell pussy?

[Matthew Coffin]

Like I said, he hangs out by the car and some people like him and say hello and stuff and it's

[Nick Rochefort]

pretty cool, everybody's thinking it. Do you, the dog.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you the dog.

[Matthew Coffin]

One of the other guys likes to call him my little furry fleshlight. But no, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Matthew Coffin]

But he's not. His bed is my bed though. He's, he's, he's got an interesting story.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy. Dude, this is crazy.

[Harland Williams]

Matthew, your sleeve isn't up his ass, is it?

[Matthew Coffin]

There's, there's, there's nothing, Nothing normal. Nothing Abs. There's nothing normal about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is there anything that you do without the dog?

[Matthew Coffin]

Not since I moved out here to Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're just always with, always sat on

[Matthew Coffin]

my lap all 1600 plus miles cross country to get here.

[Emo Maw]

Uh huh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you came here to do stand up comedy.

[Matthew Coffin]

Well, like I said, after I got struck in the head with that steel girder, I took that settlement money and I was like, I can't keep denying who I am. I'm a carny. I'm a clown. I have to go where everything's happening at. What makes you do big swings for defense?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, I can't handle another second of this.

[Nick Rochefort]

That dog is going to be leaking in 10 minutes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Matthew, you already have a very small joke book, correct?

[Matthew Coffin]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. There he goes. Ladies and gentlemen, Matthew Coffin, everybody. Matthew, you got to take like a year off or something. Take like a year off. Sign up in a year.

[Harland Williams]

Absolutely, psychotically, years off. How about that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God, we're all little service dogs when the lovely Heidi comes out. Am I right? How about a hand for Heidi, ladies and gentlemen? All right, let's see if this bucket pole does any better. Make some noise for a fender, everybody. Here comes a fender.

[Offender]

I know what you guys are thinking. My hair says California, but my voice says I'd fuck a cousin. Being from the south is challenging. Usually doesn't take people long to accuse me being some type of no good, meth up wife, beaten racist, toothless Trump supporter. But that's not true. See, in Alabama, you can only be three of those things because once you're four, we ship your ass to Florida to become a legal resident of that state. You got a fucking alligator, They're gonna try to tell you it tastes like chicken. But I promise you this does not fuck. Like, one. Other day, my friend said I reminded him of a young Ron White supremacist.

[Ari Maddie]

All right, I'll leave it there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go, Offender getting actual laughs this time. Believe it or not, Offender's been on this show before, and at one point, he was doing as bad as the last comedian that was on. I swear to God, believe it or not, an incredible amount of growth shown this set. Offender. Oh, look at Matt Muling. He likes growth, everybody.

[Emo Maw]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I am a grower. So, Offender, how long have you. And what, What?

[Offender]

A pot grower, guys? A pot grower? I'm a pot grower.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're a pot grower? Yeah. That's what you do for a living?

[Ari Maddie]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, where do you grow it?

[Offender]

Oregon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oregon, yeah.

[Offender]

Williams, Oregon. Do you want that exact, like.

[Nick Rochefort]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Ari Maddie]

Yeah.

[Danny Martinello]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, offender, no. And the business is going good for you?

[Offender]

I just, you know, I was living on my short bus for nine months chasing this dream in comedy. I left for three months. I just paid for an apartment for six months up front.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, look.

[Ari Maddie]

Almost.

[Jack Hemphill]

No more.

[Offender]

I am not homeless no more.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible. Got a bathroom.

[Harland Williams]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Six months worth of bathroom. How are you playing? Have you decorated this apartment at all? Or are you treating it like it's still a bus?

[Offender]

No, no, I decorated. So I got a medicine cabinet. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A medicine cabinet.

[Emo Maw]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is important. Yes.

[Offender]

Really cool. I've never had a medicine cabinet before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. Somewhere to put all of your medicine.

[Offender]

All of my medicine. I got my rolling papers in there, my grinder above it. I got the cologne and the eye drops, which I forgot to bring right now. Sorry about that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's not decorating, though. That just like. That comes with the apartment, is your walls just like you spread poop. I got a medicine cabinet. I've done a lot of decorating.

[Emo Maw]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

Can I ask you something, bro?

[Matthew Coffin]

Just.

[Harland Williams]

I just. This is just a reaction thing. It's almost like a. Like a test when they. When they hit your knee at the doctor's office. It's a reflex thing. Okay, I'm gonna say something. I just want to. Thanks for crouching. I can still see you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go ahead, Harlan. I'm sorry about that.

[Harland Williams]

Crouching tiger, like a giant crawdad went by in the mud. This is just like a reflex thing. I'm gonna say it. I just want to see how you react. All right, guy. I can't believe it's not bada.

[Offender]

All right, he was my stepdad, so that makes sense.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, A little Fabio reference straight out of 1994 for you.

[Harland Williams]

Back when I'll never forget, I was in my bedroom playing with a lasagna and

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

offender. Tell us more about this new apartment. This is a big deal for you. A lot of. Yeah, dude.

[Offender]

I was living amongst these homeless.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

These savages, dude.

[Offender]

They take shits in the street. You gotta be respectable. You gotta put it in a bag, and then you gotta find a trash can far, far away from the mothership.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Harland Williams]

I've always wanted to ask this question. I'm not trying to be a wise guy, but when. When a homeless dude or woman cracks a loaf in the street.

[Offender]

Okay.

[Harland Williams]

Like when they drop a cracker barrel, Thunderloaf or Olive Garden chicken souffle, whatever you want to call it. What do you wipe with?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

With. It's a great question. What do they wipe with? You were out there, you had a firsthand account, I'm pretty sure.

[Offender]

Shockingly, nothing. They don't wash their hands either.

[Harland Williams]

So they're just walking around with the leftover in their crack?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, a little.

[Harland Williams]

Wow, dude. I wasn't ready for that. Answer

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

a little sule for later.

[Harland Williams]

Did you ever, like, bend down? You were desperate. Maybe you had a hot date with another homeless chick the other night and you bent down backwards and wiped your crack with your golden fleecy hair.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a great question. A great question, offender. Are you making money anyway while you're here in Austin, Texas?

[Offender]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How are you doing that comedy? You're making money. You're doing paid gigs?

[Offender]

I do pay gigs. I bark, whatever. However, I can help any show or anybody that has an opportunity for me, I extend my offer and say, hey, I'm willing to do this. I live here for this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, how often do you bark? More or less than the last comedian's dog? Not a real question, offender. What's your love life like? You're a handsome man.

[Matthew Coffin]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How does that work out for you now that you have your own apartment? Is that something that you're doing?

[Offender]

You know, it's something that every man probably is thinking about, but me personally, I don't have time for it, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't have time for the ladies now?

[Harland Williams]

Well, you got yourself. Look at you.

[Nick Rochefort]

What is the tattoo right here on the. On the arm? I'm glad I asked.

[Jack Hemphill]

Okay.

[Offender]

I don't know if you guys can see it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you describe it with words?

[Harland Williams]

Yes.

[Offender]

All right, so it's got a wood handle, a metal shaft. Some would call it a shank, but it's not.

[Nick Rochefort]

Okay.

[Offender]

It's an old school can opener.

[Nick Rochefort]

Nice. I was more talking case I have

[Offender]

to open a can of whoop ass on somebody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what I mean?

[Nick Rochefort]

I was more talking about the predator. CIA coding. You have on your wrist right here. What the hell is that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, what's that?

[William Montgomery]

Frightening.

[Offender]

Okay, so I have this right here is usetty, and then this is Dottie. That's Croatian for give and take. Because life is all about the give and take wild.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right.

[Harland Williams]

You ever meet a homeless woman with a tattoo of a can of beans on her leg?

[Ari Maddie]

Yeah.

[Offender]

Celia Contreras.

[Harland Williams]

Dude,

[Offender]

I did just. You guys were at Skank Fest. I was actually working there, which was a fucking great time. I actually fought in the skank fights.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, how did that go?

[Offender]

25 second submission, arm bar. The fastest submission of the weekend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You won?

[Offender]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. You hit the. You hit the can opener on somebody.

[Red Band]

Oh, yeah, I did. Good thing. I have it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Absolutely incredible.

[Nick Rochefort]

Triple hiv.

[Harland Williams]

That's me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

I gotta ask, though. I gotta follow up. Up. You're in the street Right?

[Offender]

I was. Yes, sir.

[Harland Williams]

Well, you still are.

[Offender]

Yes, sir.

[Harland Williams]

And it's a tough world out there, right? We've all watched Animal Planet. Right?

[Offender]

Okay. Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

Ever since you do have some mad skills in the ring. You ever get into any tussles out on the mean streets? My guy?

[Offender]

Yeah. So I'm actually, like, notoriously known for breaking up fights down here, trying to protect people from harming themselves even further.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, wow.

[Offender]

One night a guy did aggress me and I had to, you know, take care of myself.

[Harland Williams]

But you jerked off on him.

[Emo Maw]

Yeah, I did.

[Offender]

Yeah.

[Matthew Coffin]

They.

[Offender]

They pulled out a stretcher and everything. No, but I did have to wrap up a guy, but I try to do it in a respectful way that doesn't harm anybody. The worst thing is in today's. Especially on the street, it's pretty violent. People need to be aware.

[Harland Williams]

Did he put hands on you? Did you take any shots?

[Offender]

My guy dip and then hip toss and put him in a triangle. Choked him till the cops showed up.

[Harland Williams]

Broke into a square dance from what you just showed me. What the. Well, let's not act that out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, offender, Congratulations. You've never gotten a big joke book on this show before. Correct. Have you?

[Red Band]

I have.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The very first. Well, then, there you go.

[Offender]

Hey, it got filled up and I would.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you just saying that? Are you going to sell this on the streets to somebody? All right, there you go, offender, ladies and gentlemen. There we go. Two return bucket poles to start the show. This looks like a new name. Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong. We're going to find out. But let's hear it for Emo Maw, ladies and gentlemen. Emo Maw. Here we go.

[Emo Maw]

Nothing book? No, I'm around. I speak English, guys. Holy. There's a lot of white people here. I'm Tariq's stepdaddy. The black as one. I'm from South Sudan. I'm from South Sudan, but I live out in Australia. I love the diversity you got here in America because there's no black people in Australia. There's like, literally, like, me and my cousin Chad. So I'm out in LA right now, and I love doing the comedy in la. I do the black rooms over there. The black rooms are kind of like this, but with black people. And I love performing with African Americans, you know, because as an African, we see African Americans as our cousins. Like, an African American is technically an African that got caught. And every four years at the Olympics, they remind the world that you will never catch them again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Emojak Ladies and gentlemen. Wow.

[Emo Maw]

What up, Tony?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Great set. Emo. Welcome. This is your first time on the show?

[Emo Maw]

I'm out here. Yeah. I've tried a couple times, but this is my first time on here, so, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. And how long you've been doing stand up?

[Emo Maw]

I've been doing stand up for about seven years now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Seven years and all of it in South Sudan. How much?

[Emo Maw]

No, no, no, no, no. Not out in Australia. I'm from Perth, Western Australia. I've been doing it out there, but I'm mainly in Melbourne. I'm all around Australia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All around Australia?

[Offender]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at you. Amazing.

[Nick Rochefort]

He wrote a shipping container to get there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did you end up in Perth?

[Emo Maw]

It was. We got sponsored as refugees, so we got taken to Australia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old were you when that happened?

[Emo Maw]

Like a reverse slavery? I was eight years old. I was eight years old.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Yeah, amazing.

[Harland Williams]

Can I give him a compliment?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, give him a compliment.

[Harland Williams]

Can I give you a wonderful compliment, my friend?

[Emo Maw]

Yeah, absolutely, man. Go for it.

[Harland Williams]

We all have different gradients and shades of skin. Black people, white people, Asian people.

[Emo Maw]

You want to touch it? Is that what you're trying to.

[Harland Williams]

I think I would, yeah. You have like dark skin, but it's a beautiful. I just love the tone and the shade of your skin.

[Emo Maw]

Thank you, man. When white people show that much interest in black people, I got nervous.

[Harland Williams]

What's your address?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Emo.

[Emo Maw]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When I was a kid, I was afraid of the dark, and now here I am.

[Emo Maw]

How about now?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Meeting you. So I have to ask you, what scares you?

[Emo Maw]

What scares me?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Emo Maw]

White people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That makes sense. White people in cuffs, that makes perfect sense.

[Harland Williams]

What's your address?

[Emo Maw]

What's my. Exactly what I'm talking about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Emo. What else are you into? You have any special skills or hobbies or talents?

[Emo Maw]

I love standout, man. I love traveling. I travel a lot. I try to expose myself to as much cultures as possible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What have you learned from these different cultures? What are some of your favorite cultures that we.

[Emo Maw]

What have I learned that we. One race.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on, wait, what?

[Emo Maw]

One race? One human race.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One race.

[Emo Maw]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so you're a marathon guy. But like, what. Where are the. Your favorite places that you've traveled places?

[Emo Maw]

I've been out to Asia, but I. I love. I love being out here in America. You do make me a little bit nervous with your guns and. But, yeah, America's cool. Every different state has got their own little different rules and different cultures and stuff. So I really like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You say that Texas guns make you Nervous? Have you ever shot a gun?

[Emo Maw]

Yeah, I. Shotguns? Yeah. Come on. I'm from Africa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Danny Martinello]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. You shot guns in Africa?

[Emo Maw]

Shotguns in Australia and. Yeah, in Africa. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What were you shooting in Africa? Was that at a range or just cans? What?

[Emo Maw]

Cans.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cans.

[Nick Rochefort]

Container ship captains. That's who we shot.

[Harland Williams]

You ever shoot a slingshot or throw a rock?

[Emo Maw]

Yeah, I made a slingshot when I was a kid.

[Harland Williams]

Okay, well, go to Canada. You can do it some more.

[Emo Maw]

I just came from Canada. I had my first Canadian winter just recently.

[Harland Williams]

You had your first what?

[Emo Maw]

My first Canadian winter.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, my God.

[Emo Maw]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

How did it feel?

[Emo Maw]

Cold.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cold.

[Emo Maw]

It felt cold.

[Harland Williams]

That's the right answer.

[Emo Maw]

I was out in Saskatchewan, which is. Nobody knows where the fuck that is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, we know where that is. Yeah, of course.

[Harland Williams]

That's the prairie. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you know. You're a Canadian.

[Harland Williams]

An old comedian of mine, Gary David, a Canadian comedian, used to do this joke. He'd say, saskatchewan is so flat, it's the only place in the world you can sit on your front porch and watch your dog run away for three weeks. And he wasn't very good. You can tell. Do you want to touch it?

[Emo Maw]

You want to touch.

[Harland Williams]

How about now? I got a lasagna in the oven. Don't with me,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Emo. You're. You. You're a world traveler. You are. You're a specific shade. As mentioned earlier. What's the most racist thing anybody's ever done to you? You seem like such a nice, sweet guy and, like, it's interesting how people judge a book by its cover.

[Emo Maw]

Yeah, I'm from Australia. Like that. That place is racist as. But. But that is my kind of speed, though. Bit of the races, you know, than the races. You don't. Yes, but someone touched me and try to rub it off. That was. That was. That was a little insulting. In Asia, you. Bali.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

An Asian in Bali asked if you could rub any of that off.

[Emo Maw]

No, no, no. They.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They tried.

[Emo Maw]

They tried to wrap it up. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy shit.

[Harland Williams]

Did they use, like, Lemon Pledge or anything?

[Emo Maw]

I think she just trusted her own hands and was unsuccessful.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you had any jobs other than being a comedian?

[Emo Maw]

Yeah, I had a ton of jobs. I work in coal centers. I worked.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What. What was the first one?

[Emo Maw]

Call centers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I thought you said coal centers. And I was wondering if you were the coal for a. He said he likes racism, ladies and gentlemen. He feels at home.

[Emo Maw]

My kind of speed. Yeah, I worked in warehousing, but stand up was definitely my favorite job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. How about Your love life. You seem like a handsome, handsome man. I'm sure.

[Emo Maw]

I got a partner.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have a partner?

[Emo Maw]

Yeah, I got a partner. Fiance who just got engaged.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a. Where'd you meet this partner at?

[Emo Maw]

She's Canadian. I met her at a festival in Australia back in 2018.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice.

[Harland Williams]

Is she a girl?

[Emo Maw]

Yeah, by my studies. Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

When someone says partner, I don't know if it's a girl or.

[Emo Maw]

No, she's a girl. She's a girl.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, she's a girl.

[Emo Maw]

She's a woman. Not a girl.

[Harland Williams]

She's a woman.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, right. Canadian woman. White?

[Emo Maw]

No, she's Indian background.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, brown girl. Okay. Indian background. Yeah. You met her at the call center, I'm guessing.

[Emo Maw]

I met her at a festival in Melbourne. Is there any water right now?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

Why don't you just call for some?

[Emo Maw]

Oh, yes. All right.

[Matthew Coffin]

Yes.

[Emo Maw]

Let's get it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Danny Martinello]

You have.

[Emo Maw]

You have.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have. You have cotton mouth. I don't even have to do the rest of that joke. I don't even have to do it. You can't even make it up. Ladies and gentlemen, first person asked for water in years just so happens to be one of the darkest human beings I've ever seen in my entire life.

[Harland Williams]

Just for fun at the. The call center. I'm just curious. You ever just do a. Like a Tarzan call?

[Emo Maw]

Well, Tarzan was. Was not black.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's true. That's true. Harlan's been watching the Disney remake of Tarzan. On Netflix only.

[Danny Martinello]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Only on Netflix.

[Emo Maw]

Bunch this up in one pile.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's too late now. Red. Red Bands just has his fingers hovering over the Lion King. King setup that he has right now. Nothing. Okay. It's a Tracy Chapman reference. Does anybody ever.

[Nick Rochefort]

Grace Jones?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. This is amazing. You have to understand, Emo. We're very excited to have someone like you here. It's our first time interviewing the curtains, so it's very exciting. It's very exciting for us, technically. You've been on every episode of the

[Emo Maw]

show, probably sponsored by me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right.

[Nick Rochefort]

Tony. He's the captain now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, absolutely. Oh, my goodness. He gets serious quick. I love it. Emo, what do you think? Because you are indeed dark. We've covered this. But I have to ask. What do you think is the whitest thing about you? If there's something about you that you do? Maybe you're teeth. Oh, okay. It's a good answer.

[Emo Maw]

My teeth ain't my credit report. I thought you found my.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Emo, you are fantastic. What a great interview. What a great set. What a great sense of humor. Welcome to the Kiltoni universe, The debut of Emo Ma, ladies and gentlemen. There you go. That's how. How it's done. It's exciting. We've come a long way from that first bucket pull.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, he was good. Solid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Solid. Oh, we liquefied him and put him in a drink for Harland. Look at that. There he is. That fast. He goes from a solid to a liquid. Ladies and gentlemen, only on Kill Tony do we have this type of technology. Rogan has a lot of money as a human liquefier in the back.

[Harland Williams]

He's bubbly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He was bubbly on stage, too. Yeah, dark and bubbly. Wow.

[Harland Williams]

Wonderful.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll. Goes by the name of Ashley Ann, everybody. Here we go.

[Ashley Ann]

What's up, guys? So I found out my ex was bisexual when I found the Grindr app on his phone, which I thought was just like a GPS app to the gyms. And it was to gyms and Mike's and Tony's. That's not why we broke up, though. It was actually because he's a whore. Bisexual I can deal with, but bi? Loyal, Absolutely not. Then I found out my boyfriend's best friend's girlfriend, she confessed to me that they had had a threesome, which is crazy. Like, they tied her up naked in the bed. She thought she was gonna get some kinky good fun, but they actually just forgot she was there and went out just, you know, right next to her, which to me, sounds a lot less like a threesome and more like a coming out party that took a hostage. It actually took him two years to admit that all of those things were true too. Which is fair if you consider the fact that most people can't admit that they're the problem, let alone admit that they're at the bottom.

[Nick Rochefort]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ashley Ann getting her revenge on her ex boyfriend publicly on, I'm guessing what this is. Did he introduce you to this show?

[Ashley Ann]

Totally crush on you? Absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Ashley Ann]

No.

[Harland Williams]

What?

[Ashley Ann]

He did not. I haven't talked to that man in a very long time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, how long ago was this breakup?

[Ashley Ann]

It was, like, 13 years ago.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is perhaps one of the craziest ex girlfriends we've ever had on this show.

[Harland Williams]

Wow.

[Ashley Ann]

I. I want to say revenge is

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

sweet, ladies and gentlemen. 13 years she's been plotting and planning. Wow. How long was the relationship?

[Ashley Ann]

Well, it took me that long to get over the trauma. First of all, I'm now writing about it. You know, release maybe like three years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so three years. Held onto it for 13. Yeah.

[Ashley Ann]

There's a good reason why, but I can't say it publicly.

[Nick Rochefort]

Aids.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

AIDS is the answer.

[Ashley Ann]

That's definitely not it.

[Harland Williams]

Okay, good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You can't say, is he famous or something?

[Ashley Ann]

I would tell you. Not them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What a great podcast guest you are. Sure the people, the millions of people at home are going to go, okay,

[Ashley Ann]

fine, I'll tell you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perfect.

[Ashley Ann]

It's my daughter's dad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's your daughter's dad. Okay.

[Ashley Ann]

It was actually eight years ago. I was trying not to be too specific for him, but.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you've answered. Nothing.

[Ashley Ann]

Listen, he's in prison, so, I mean, he's happy. It's fine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. All right. This interview is moving at an interesting pace. What's he in prison for?

[Ashley Ann]

Dui.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dui? How do you get sent for prison for a dui?

[Ashley Ann]

Running away with a car and then running. Running it into the back of another car.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so all right, how long is he in prison for?

[Ashley Ann]

Oh, he did five years, but he went right back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why did he go right back?

[Ashley Ann]

Armed robbery.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There it is. Hey, everybody, there's. Seriously? You can't answer the simplest of questions. It's amazing.

[Ashley Ann]

Yeah, he thought it was crazy. Crazy. He just never touched a gun a day in his life. He just knew where he wanted to be and how to get there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's never touched a gun a day in his life. He knew where he had to be, but he went. But he did have a gun during the robbery. Okay, sure did. All right. Okay. How long is he in prison for this time?

[Ashley Ann]

I don't care. I don't know. I. I actually don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perfect. You are literally the worst interview in the history of the show. This is unbelievable.

[Ashley Ann]

Listen, when my. When my fiance watches this, he's gonna make makes fun of me so bad. He's here. He's here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right. Yeah, he's probably gonna cheat on you in a bisexual threesome. I can see how this is all working out, by the way. He's probably going to get himself thrown in prison by doing whatever it takes just so that he doesn't have to deal with you anymore. I'm starting to all make sense. Ashley, how long have you been attempting stand up comedy?

[Ashley Ann]

About a year.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A year? All of it here in Austin. Where do you live?

[Ashley Ann]

No, I live in dfw.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dfw? Dallas.

[Ashley Ann]

I live in Fort Worth. Yeah, but I. I work all over the place.

[Nick Rochefort]

So you found a rich cowboy to buy you a 10 karat diamond ring. After all that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is a huge ring monster.

[Ashley Ann]

It is legally blind. He had to find me somehow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So he's actually blind.

[Ashley Ann]

He is legally blind, yes.

[Harland Williams]

Wow. It all makes sense now.

[Ashley Ann]

Listen, listen. He can see me. He just has no peripheral. He's like a roomboat on low battery.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He probably wishes he was deaf.

[Ashley Ann]

He is a little bit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's a little bit deaf too. Yeah. Wow. Where did you find this guy?

[Ashley Ann]

I don't know. My standards were like, over here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's an easy question. Where did you meet this guy?

[Ashley Ann]

A bar. Karaoke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The bar karaoke? What was your song? What were you singing that night?

[Ashley Ann]

He made me sing. Some Reba McIntyre fan.

[Nick Rochefort]

So, see, you're like Courtney Love.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Harland Williams]

More like Courtney.

[Ashley Ann]

Except I'm a natural blonde, so.

[Nick Rochefort]

You're a monster.

[Ashley Ann]

I know. Yeah. I make fun of my blind fiance a lot. I'm sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did he end up blind and partially deaf?

[Ashley Ann]

Partially deaf because he sits next to my speakers when I host karaoke blind. He was born. He's got rp. Retinitis pigmentosa. Okay, so he just was born with full vision and loses it gradually until.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So he has double pigmentosa, huh?

[Ashley Ann]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

Double pigmentosa.

[Ashley Ann]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okie dokie.

[Harland Williams]

Wasn't that one of. Wasn't that. What is it? How do you say it?

[Ashley Ann]

Retinitis pigmentosa. I know, it sounds like a Harry Potter spell. Retinitis pigmentosa.

[Harland Williams]

Sounds more like one of Winnie the Pooh's little buddies.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pigmentosa.

[Ashley Ann]

Yeah, totally.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Ashley Ann, I gotta keep this thing moving along here.

[Ashley Ann]

For sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here's a really small joke book. Can you catch it?

[Paula]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm gonna leave it a little bit short because you seem like a walking lawsuit here. There you go. Perfect. Ashley Ann, there you go. Good God almighty. All right, let's get a little palate cleanser up here. Ladies and gentlemen, we are had some giggles with these bucket pools. But now it's time to drop the hammer. I present to you one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, here doing a spot in the middle of a random episode of Kill Tony, I present to you a man who one day, perhaps, by the grace of God, will be a citizen of the United States of America. But for now, he remains the Estonian assassin. This is Ari. Mattie.

[Ari Maddie]

I love thinking always how American movies play in other markets. Like if you're in Japan and you went to see Oppenheimer. Palmer. No Japanese people in that movie. Just a sexy scientist smoking cigarettes. Just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Should I.

[Ari Maddie]

Just banging chicks at university, just click back to banging. Or like, if you're in Korea and you went to see Marley and Me, The whole time you watch that movie, you're like, how long is this meal gonna take? Sometimes they rename American movies to fit for the local market. Like Taken with Liam Neeson. In Albania, it was called Normal Business Guy Does Honest Business Business Until American Asshole Intervenes. Schindler's List. In Germany, it was called Scheisse. So close. But my favorite movies are Denzel Washington movies. He makes killing look so easy. He's just a lazy, fat old guy. You're at home eating chips, you're like, yeah, I got it. Like that. Every Denzel movie is him at a diner trying to finish a meal, but then a hooker gets in trouble. Every Denzel movie is just him at a diner. Kills 26 people, Takes down a whole syndicate. It's a hot hooker, though. You gotta save a hot hooker. Okay, this is an act out of Denzel Washington trying to finish a meal. But then the hooker who gets in trouble is a fat cow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ain't nobody saving a fat cow. Thank you guys so much. Wow. 3 minutes and 30 seconds. The only human that we allow and that can take the ball and run with it and crush a presentation. No, we love it.

[Ari Maddie]

I didn't have time to cut it down.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it's great. You're. That's a movie chunk right there. And we love it. Someone's been watching some movies this week. You look fantastic. You're crushing. Life is good.

[Harland Williams]

I look.

[Ari Maddie]

I look like a lead singer in like, you know, like a vampire band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, a very emotional band.

[Ari Maddie]

Death is infinite.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ari, what have you been up to?

[Ari Maddie]

Yeah, not much. I had my first Halloween in America. You know, I know it's a while ago, but. Yeah, yeah, we don't have Halloween in Estonia. We have Russians. Things are scary enough.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did the local Estonians and the Russians, like, what's the difference? Explain to these.

[Ari Maddie]

One are Murder and Raping Empire. And the other are really nice, intelligent, beautiful people.

[Harland Williams]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. And you've seen that firsthand. You've seen some Russian pillaging, if you will.

[Ari Maddie]

Yeah, and when I was like 14, I remember I got beat up by these two Russian kids. They were also 14, but in Russia. 14. They got, like, hair on their knuckles. Two kids, a divorce, three jobs, you know, I was like an Estonian 14 year old. I had a doll, you know, I was doing parkour. No, literally, I was doing parkour. And then they saw me doing parkour and they came up to me and they said in Russian they go. Which means, like, Estonian, which I don't know how they already knew.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then what? Did you throw the first punch or.

[Ari Maddie]

No, never. No, they threw the first punch, and then they claimed it was necessary to do NATO, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. You seem well rested. What have you been up to?

[Ari Maddie]

Yeah, I went to Mexico for a week.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, look at that. A lot of fans of Mexico here. Wonder why we have a large Latino fan base here tonight.

[Ari Maddie]

So a lot of Mexicans that I wish would come here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you in love with a Mexican girl?

[Ari Maddie]

I fell in love every day. Every single day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ari Maddie]

The way they look at you too. It's crazy, you know? Like, Mexican women, they look at you like, I'll fuck you, you know?

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, they will.

[Ari Maddie]

I walked around with a Kill Tony hoodie, and so many Mexicans would look at my hoodie, look at me, and they would go, hey, what did ton

[William Montgomery]

just.

[Ari Maddie]

It was like the main joke. It was so funny. I saw them. Every time I saw them look at the hoodie, I'm like, here it comes. What they to do? I don't know. That sounded Italian. Yeah, I went to Cozumel, beautiful island. And, dude, when I was there for the first night, I had such a funny incident where, okay, I Google restaurant, Google map restaurant, and a lot of kosher, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh?

[Red Band]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, a lot of kosher. And I'm like, what the.

[Ari Maddie]

Is this Mexico kosher, you know? And then I go outside of my hotel. First thing I see in Cozumel, two Jewish guy. Full. Full Jew. Full Jew. Not, like adopted, but, like, not hiding at all. Just full with the things, you know? You know, like fool, like.

[Emo Maw]

Yeah.

[Ari Maddie]

And they were arguing. Two Jewish guys arguing with a Mexican guy.

[Nick Rochefort]

Who.

[Ari Maddie]

He's the guy who rents out scooters and, like, motorbikes. And the Mexican is just. When I walked by them, the Mexican is saying, I keep deposit. Look, scratches. I have evidence. No scratch here before. I have picture. Look, there is scratch. And then the Jewish guy goes, no, no, we need deposit. I also have picture. And then they show the picture, and then I go and eat. About 10 minutes later, I see the Jewish guys walking away from there with, like, a wad of money in their hand.

[Matthew Coffin]

Hand.

[Ari Maddie]

And then the other one looks at the guy, he goes, photoshop is free. And so are we. Just.

[Harland Williams]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So they're like that in Mexico too.

[Harland Williams]

Wow.

[Nick Rochefort]

Punta Judea.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was just funny. That is incredible. Wow.

[Ari Maddie]

Amazing racist, huh, Harland?

[Harland Williams]

Well, only if you're Jewish or Mexican,

[Ari Maddie]

but, yeah, I Had fun? Yeah. Halloween party. Did you go to a Halloween party?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No no no.

[Harland Williams]

You got to be careful with Halloween, my guy.

[Ari Maddie]

Tell me.

[Harland Williams]

Well, you're a. How long you been in America, my guy?

[Ari Maddie]

Like one year and a half.

[Harland Williams]

One year and a half. Tony will back me up on this red band that the key is to be careful with the costume, okay? I blew it last year. I went out dressed as a pinata and went trick or treating down in the Latino community and they beat the three musketeers out of me.

[Ari Maddie]

You know what?

[Paula]

I.

[Harland Williams]

If I could get some kind of noise me up. Funnier, funnier.

[Ari Maddie]

I did go to a Halloween party and what I noticed is every chick is like a sexy, slutty cat. Huh? That's like the only hot animal they can think of. Yeah, there are a lot of chicks that should have been a sexy elephant. You know what I'm saying?

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, you should have gone to Jeffrey Dahmer's house. He had a bare skin rug. Funnier, funnier.

[Ari Maddie]

But there were like. There were like so many. So many chicks dressed as a sexy cat at this party where I was at, that I. When I was at this party and I saw all these titties and pussies out, I kind of understood Islam

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

because

[Ari Maddie]

there would be like all the chicks with the sexy pussy, pussy cut out. And then there'll be that one chick, you know, dressed like as a banana. You know, just the faces out. And I would look at her like, fuck, what's under the banana.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Creates a little bit mystery.

[Ari Maddie]

Just like the Burkham mystery is just as hot as sluttiness.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I couldn't agree more. The banana wins. Ari, you are unbelievable. What a set. Triple the work that you had to do this place. Creating stars. If Cam's on snl, I can't imagine what Ari Maddie is going to be doing in the very near future. One more time for Ari Maddie, ladies and gentlemen. Onward we go. Back to the bucket, ladies and gentlemen. And your next comedian goes by the name of Jack Hemphill. Here we go. The opportunity of a lifetime.

[Jack Hemphill]

Yo, I don't know if you could tell by looking at me, but I got my haircut at the lesbian barber shop. They kind of me up though. It's my fault. They asked me what I wanted. I said, I don't know, just scissor me.

[Jack McWilliams]

Me,

[Jack Hemphill]

I keep seeing ads for male enhancement pills. They're supposed to make your dick bigger, longer, stronger.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know about that.

[Jack Hemphill]

I wish they come out with something for female enhancement yeah. How about a pill that makes you shut the. Up. Growing up was weird.

[Harland Williams]

My dad.

[Jack Hemphill]

My dad, he was always on this seafood diet where if he got home and he didn't see food on the table, he'd hit my mom. Shit, man. Life's hard these days. Like, if a white dude wants to be black, they call him a wigger, right? I'm a white dude and I kind. I really want to be Mexican. What does that make me? A wiener.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That would make you a. That would make you a white back. Just to let you know what the funnier punchline is there. Jack Hemphill, welcome. Jack. This is your first time on the show?

[Jack Hemphill]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been doing stand up?

[Jack Hemphill]

Like two and a half years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where at?

[Jack Hemphill]

Fucking Hitting Creek. Open mics, green room.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, here in Austin, Texas?

[Jack Hemphill]

Yeah, here in Austin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice. What do you do for work?

[Jack Hemphill]

I'm unemployed right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uh. Oh. How much money do you have saved?

[Jack Hemphill]

Like 15, 20, you know, just fucking living, bumming, bumming for the rest of the year.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

15, 20,000?

[Offender]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Total?

[Jack Hemphill]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what's your rent?

[Jack Hemphill]

1150.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

1150. So you have about a year. That's about half as much as a fender has. Or twice as much. Okay, so what's your plan? How are you going to make money? Just. Jack.

[Jack Hemphill]

I'm going to go to Mexico for the month of December, learn Spanish, come back and get a sales job or something. I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, what's your plan? How did Mexico enter the chat exactly?

[Jack Hemphill]

Well, I kind of want to be Mexican, you know, I want to go there, take classes to learn Spanish, take some cooking classes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In one month?

[Jack Hemphill]

Yeah. Yeah, I think I can pull it up off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't know Spanish at all?

[Jack Hemphill]

I know a little bit. I. I grew up in Texas, so I took it in elementary school, middle school, high school.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How old are you?

[Jack Hemphill]

24.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

24 years old. You're unemployed right now. But what was the last job that you had?

[Jack Hemphill]

I was. It was a sales job. Just cold calling, bullshitting, you know, Construction dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long did you have that job for?

[Jack Hemphill]

Like six months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. They fired you?

[Jack Hemphill]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why?

[William Montgomery]

I deserved it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why? Because I kept.

[Jack Hemphill]

I kept staying up all night on my phone and then showing up late for work the next day.

[Offender]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What would you be doing on your phone in the middle of the night, dude?

[Jack Hemphill]

Fucking scrolling Instagram reels.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is your algorithm? Like? If we looked at your.

[Jack Hemphill]

Really racist.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? Yeah.

[Ari Maddie]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anything else? Just racism.

[Jack Hemphill]

Racism, fucking jokes, random bullshit. I don't know, like, stuff. Stuff that is unfulfilling Just fulfilling enough for me to try and see if there's something better on the next scroll, but nothing more than that midgets with

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

giant tits have entered my algorithm. I clicked on it one time, one time. And now it's my entire recommendation. And I don't know exactly how or why, but I. I do keep clicking on it and staring at them.

[Harland Williams]

So wait, you've been. You're out of work right now?

[Offender]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

Dude, it breaks my heart and I'm gonna be emotional here and I think you people are the. It breaks my heart to see Natalie Portman out of work. Yeah.

[Nick Rochefort]

You look like the meanest lesbian out of lesbian bar, man.

[Harland Williams]

You're awesome.

[Red Band]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really does. You would probably get a job at like Medieval Times or something like that. Like, probably.

[Jack Hemphill]

I know I can't juggle, but I'll learn if they pay enough.

[Harland Williams]

Have you ever put your lips on the front of a Tesla and just sucked?

[Offender]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What part exactly would he suck on?

[Harland Williams]

The hood.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The what?

[Harland Williams]

The hood.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, the hood.

[Harland Williams]

Because that's the biggest area for his giant Natalie Portman suck mouth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, what is your love life like? What are you into?

[Jack Hemphill]

I mean, honestly, I catch a lot of lesbians, you know, but seriously, recently, I mean, recently, I mean my only options are like dating apps and I feel like the fucking app runners are like digital E pimps, you know, selling twat and I don't want to be a digital like simp.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the last date you went on? The last hookup you had? Perhaps.

[Jack Hemphill]

I 37 year old lady at like south by Southwest.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

At south by Southwest? Yeah, just like there. On location or you met her there?

[Jack Hemphill]

There's like a bar show. Yeah, I just met her there.

[Nick Rochefort]

What'd she look like?

[Jack Hemphill]

Dude, she.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When it starts with dude, you know it's gonna be good.

[Jack Hemphill]

Dude, she was. She was wide, right? And like looked like. Looked fat under her clothes, but she had a flat stomach. It was weird. It was a weird body type. Big old titties. She smelled like corn tortillas and pozole. It was. It was pretty nice and torta.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Jack Hemphill]

Yeah, you could say that. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was a Latina.

[Jack Hemphill]

Yeah, for sure.

[Harland Williams]

Okay, how do you think she felt looking up and seeing she's fucking Natalie Portman with. With an altar boys mustache. Ash.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So how did that. How did that. Where did exactly did that sexual hookup take place?

[Jack Hemphill]

At her place.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

At her place.

[Harland Williams]

Her piece.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

At her. At her place.

[Harland Williams]

I'm sorry, I heard herpes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You did, you did hear herpes? Her place. So how did that. How did that end? Did you last long Stop talking to her? Oh, okay, perfect. Well, that's not exactly the. All right, Jack. Well, congratulations. Here's a. Here's a medium sized joke book for you, Jack Hemphill, everybody. Her place. All right, keeping it moving along. Make some noise for your neck. Oh my goodness. There's the lovely Heidi. Check out our podcast Love on the line@Heidy Regina.com. let's make some noise for your next bucket pool. It's Doc Ferry, everybody. Anything can happen. It's Doc Ferry.

[Red Band]

I love pussy. I just can't stand you fucking bitches. Let me explain. I'm surrounded by females. I got nine aunts, only two uncles. I got three ex wives. I got four daughters, no sons. And I got seven grandkids, six which are girls. So what I'm trying to tell you ladies is I'm onto your fucking bullshit. And y' all are fucking crazy. Let me give you an example. My dad caught me smoking a cigarette when I was younger. He made me smoke the whole pack in front of him. I get it, you know, Punishment fits the crime. Now my mother, she caught me jerking off in the bathroom. She made me. I can't look my uncle in the eyes to this day. It was horrible. My dumb ass wife asked me a dumbass question. She said, do you have a favorite song? I said, yeah, you want to hear it? She said, yeah. I said, all right, here it goes. Second verse, same as the first. She said, that's not a song. I said, it's music to my ears, bitch. Now suck my cock. Thank you very much. My name's Doc.

[Jack McWilliams]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God, Nick, you just turned

[Nick Rochefort]

every pussy in this. In this place to sand. Good job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's frightening.

[Harland Williams]

Harold says ISIS doesn't have a sense of humor. Sir, you're still crouching and I can see you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes. Doc, welcome. You've been on this show before, right?

[Red Band]

About two months ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, well, welcome back. Remind us, how long you been doing standup?

[Red Band]

About two years now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Two years. And what do you do for work?

[Red Band]

I am going to school currently for H Vac.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

H Vac? You're going to learn H Vac? Well, that. That sucked. You see what I did there? Were you. What were you going to do?

[Harland Williams]

I was going to say the exact same thing. Yeah, exactly, my brother.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There we are.

[Harland Williams]

Thanks for standing erect.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There she is. Look at that. Someone that dresses like a banana for Halloween. Anyway, So Doc, is that true what you said? You have three ex Wives and four daughters.

[Red Band]

Three ex wives, four daughters.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do these marriages all end? What's.

[Emo Maw]

What?

[Red Band]

Horribly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Give us. Give us a little breakdown.

[Red Band]

My first wife was my high school sweetheart.

[Matthew Coffin]

She.

[Red Band]

I actually lost my virginity to her, which was ironic because 10 years later, I lost my car, my kids, half my money for 16 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Red Band]

My second wife was the meanest woman walking the face of the earth. Still is. She's in Germany. She's German. True German. I don't need to say any more about that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was rough. She was the worst. She was the meanest.

[Red Band]

She was the meanest. I actually, we talked about this before, but I got PTSD after going to war three times with the military from the ex wives.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Red Band]

So I went to therapy and everything.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you give us an example of what type of Tony, I believe she was on the show earlier, by the way, now that I think about it. Is her name Ashley Ann by any chance?

[Red Band]

I can tell you this. I can tell you horrible things because it's not just the ex wives. I don't date anymore. I'm done with women. They're fucking just obnoxious. I can't take. Sorry, ladies. Get your sisters together, okay? Because they're up. So here's some.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here's some.

[Nick Rochefort]

Sorry, ladies. Not a chance. Sorry, girls. You're not getting a shot at them.

[Red Band]

Yeah, I'll be outside after. I'm available. I'm single.

[Nick Rochefort]

Hey, do your hands get bigger every time you beat the out of one of your wives? You got myths on you.

[Red Band]

Dude just gets flattered right here.

[Harland Williams]

You ever lay in bed at night, rub your beard and pretend you're fingering a girl from the 70s?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a good question. You're on to me.

[Red Band]

Does it show?

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, exactly.

[Red Band]

I do that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Keep telling us about the most traumatic wife you have.

[Red Band]

Well, the most traumatic wife things that she did the last two years of our marriage, I was locked in the basement, scared to death of her. She would come to work and she would show her ass. Ass, I mean, bad. She didn't care who was there. She just act a fool up and down.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does that mean exactly? What does that mean to you? What exactly would she do?

[Red Band]

Here's a good example.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys worked together at the time? No, she would go to her work.

[Red Band]

She came to my work.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Which at the time was what?

[Red Band]

In the military.

[Jack McWilliams]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She would show up to a military base. Okay, go ahead.

[Red Band]

And she would act crazy. But one of the things that happened while I was in the military and married to her was I was in the bathroom taking a shower and she literally kicks in the door, right? And I look like this. And she goes, I want you to take the shower on your knees. And I was like, what the are you talking about? She said, the water. The sound of the water is going to wake the baby. I said, get the out of the bath. She was serious. She was.

[Nick Rochefort]

Who are you married to, Fat bastard?

[Harland Williams]

What the fuck are you talking about?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's Fiona.

[Red Band]

It's Fiona talked about when she got mad. That's what she sounded like. It was horrible. And she was mad all the time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. What ethnicity are you exactly?

[Red Band]

I am half white and half Mexican.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Half white, half Mexican. Okay, tell us about the third wife.

[Red Band]

Third wife was the whore. We went in depth with this one. Oh, yeah. This one was. I'll just give it quick. Yeah, she put her. While I was contracting overseas, she was back here putting herself on Craigslist Personal. And she was dating a lot of people, usually five to seven guys at a time. And so when I came back, I said, you know, why did you do it? And she was like, well, the relationship had just lost its romance. I was like, good luck finding a romantic gang bang bitch. And then I thought, oh, holy shit. I gave her permission. You know, I didn't know if a romantic gang bang was a real thing, so I had to go do a pornhub hub. I went to pornhub and put romantic gang bang in the search bar. And I tell you what, it took me 15 hours, a half bottle of Jergens and a trip to the emergency room. And by God, I was right. She's a nasty.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, you ended up in the emergency room? Are you making a joke?

[Red Band]

I'm making a joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, I can.

[Red Band]

But she's a. In the end.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, doc, let me ask you this, cuz you seem to really hate women at this point in your life.

[Red Band]

I. I am not fond of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Of them. Right. What's the last date you went on? Have you ever had a positive interaction as of late with a woman at all? Do you kind of go into it thinking this isn't going to work you out?

[Red Band]

No, I go in there with a very positive attitude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so what's that like? Can you give us an example of a recent date that you went on

[Red Band]

where I haven't dated in two years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You haven't been on a date in two years? Have you hooked up with anybody in the last two years? Not at all. Not at south by Southwest West.

[Red Band]

December 22nd.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What happened in December of 22?

[Red Band]

That was the last time I got laid. That's the last date I had.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did that happen? What went down there?

[Red Band]

No, she was a girlfriend and she just got jealous because I had. I live in Bernie, so there's a lot of money over there. So my, the main house has seven bedrooms and so I, you know, pick up some people sometimes and they live there. So I had a friend who was a female who lived there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on, time out, time out, time out, time out, time out, time out. One. You said the main house has seven bedrooms, right? That's your house?

[Red Band]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You live there?

[Nick Rochefort]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

By yourself?

[Red Band]

Well, I have, my brother lives there. I got my daughter now with four of my grandkids and her husband. But it's Mexican.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But it's your house.

[Red Band]

It's my house.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. How were you able to afford a seven bedroom house in Bernie?

[Red Band]

I was working overseas. I was contracted. I was making a quarter million a year for like eight years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yeah. Look at you.

[Red Band]

Well, I was protection service for the ambassador.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The ambassador of what?

[Red Band]

Of Afghanistan. The U.S. ambassador.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You protected the ambassador of Afghanistan?

[Red Band]

You got this weird looking guy off to the side there. I'm like him, only like way better.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm pretty sure that guy would rip your fucking arms out of your sockets there, dog. Pretty sure he would just absolutely do whatever he wanted to you.

[Red Band]

Yes. I'm getting older now. I used to be a little bit more in shape stuff, but not anymore to the younger one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old are you, Doc?

[Red Band]

56.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

56. Tell us what recently, what's. Tell us how age is affecting you as of late. It's the most recent.

[Red Band]

Yeah. Okay. I piss funny now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you say you piss funny, what exactly do you mean?

[Red Band]

That means I got a piss really bad, but I just pissed two minutes ago. So I go to go to the bathroom again and a dribble a little bit and then come on, you know, nothing comes out. And then I go back again. Then I don't pee for an hour and then it's just kind of up and down, up and down. So I thought I might have a prostate problem. I didn't even think about this story. I got DP'd at the urologist.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us about that.

[Red Band]

All right, so I go in and I have this pee problem. I don't know what's on going. So I'm like, man, they're gonna try and I don't know what, I don't know what's gonna happen, but I think they're gonna try and go up my dick. And I don't want that to happen. So I've kind of stayed away from things like that. So I go in and they go into a room. Mood lights and everything. I'm not comfortable. They put me on my side and then they take this wand with like a baseball type thing on there and they shove it in my ass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uh huh.

[Harland Williams]

Okay. I hate to tell you this, buddy. You were at Ruth Chris Steakh.

[Red Band]

I knew there was something wrong with the coupon. Invite d back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. All right, keep going, doc.

[Red Band]

So this guy puts this thing in my ass and then not only that, but now he's, you know, he's moving it around and doing. And I'm just like holding on. I'm just holding on. Okay. So then at the end, pulls it out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That hurt.

[Red Band]

And I was like, oh, thank goodness. I said, said. And then I kind of joked, cleaned up and joked with the guy. I thought I was going to get something in my pee hole. He said, that's the next room. And I said, me. So I go into the next room and swear to God this is true. They have the tray, there's like a mound of the goo, the gel, and the thing that's going to go in my pee hole looks like the wand at a car wash.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's that you said the word of the day. Car wash is the word of the day.

[Ashley Ann]

Hey,

[Nick Rochefort]

dried up all the. And you shriveled up all the, my friend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true. That is true.

[Red Band]

You're going to have a calmer world after this show.

[Nick Rochefort]

The most unfuckable man on the planet right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No wonder these women hate you. I'm going to make you shower on your knees tonight, doc. Shower on your knees. Yeah, you're going to wake at the baby. All right, doc, we got to keep it moving. Here's a little joke book. Thank you. There goes Doc, everybody. It's a lot of you might think that this episode is like a psychiatry office or something tonight. And it kind of is. There's a lot of, you know, a lot of wild people get into standup. It's a crazy thing. Anything can happen. Make some noise for your next bucket. Bullets. Jack McWilliams, everyone. Jack,

[Jack McWilliams]

I hooked up with a girl who put on music to set the mood. I was about to go down on her when the song Cola by Lana Del Rey came on. For those that don't know, the first line of that sexy song is, my pussy tastes like Pepsi Cola. So that threw me off. I'll be honest, I was not expecting her to taste like the Choice of a new generation didn't seem sexy to me, but I didn't want to ruin the moment, so I just asked her, can I go down on you? She said, is Pepsi okay? Not my first choice. You know, I ordered a nice cold cock. Let me hear you fellas. Homophobic crowd. Seriously, there's no way that Lana Del Rey thinks it's sexy and it tastes like nobody's favorite beverage.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right?

[Jack McWilliams]

That's. That's gotta be an advertisement for Pepsi. That product placement sticks out more than a shockingly clean car on the Walking Dead. I'm watching that show. Like, how did they get a brand new Chevy silverado in the fifth year of a zombie apocalypse? All right, I'm Jack McWilliams. Thanks so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jack McWilliam Williams. This guy seems stable. He looks like a comedian, he acts like a comedian, he moves like a comedian. Doing jokes.

[Jack McWilliams]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is a relief. Out of this bucket tonight. Jack, how long you been doing stand up? Yeah.

[Jack McWilliams]

10 years this Valentine's Day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

10 years this Valentine's Day. What made you start on Valentine's Day 10 years ago?

[Jack McWilliams]

That was the day when I just. There was an open mic and I clearly was single.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I love it. So 10 years. Where'd you start? I at?

[Jack McWilliams]

That was in Bloomington, Indiana when I was in college. But I was in Chicago for eight years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. You live here now.

[Jack McWilliams]

So I'm in a long distance relationship with a girl who lives in Austin and I'm a golf caddy. So I go like six months at a time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice.

[Jack McWilliams]

I was just passed on another callback to be a door guy here literally tonight, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow.

[Jack McWilliams]

Hopefully I get that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that's amazing. Fuck yeah, that'd be great. What an amazing thing happening here.

[Red Band]

Him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hire him. The guy.

[Jack McWilliams]

Charge this guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Emo Maw]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Adam Eot. Yes. So you met Adam tonight.

[Jack McWilliams]

You got met him last Monday and

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

he told you to come back for another one tonight. And you did good tonight. Y and he said you have a chance of being a door guy. Yeah, he said he has to check his things. They have to do a little FBI, little research.

[Jack McWilliams]

And it was like you said, jokes. You look stable. But let's really find it out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We'll give you a. Now they'd go through a high level research thing.

[Nick Rochefort]

Right.

[Jack McWilliams]

I've got a battle. Eight different jiu Jitsu.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly. Rogan's club, the video game.

[Jack McWilliams]

I've got a month to get it all down. So I think I'll. I'm a shoe in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you mean you Got a

[Jack McWilliams]

month to learn all the Jiu Jitsu.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, exactly.

[Jack McWilliams]

Just a little Jiu Jitsu riff.

[Harland Williams]

We'll. We'll get back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, totally. I love it, Jack. So you're a professional golf cat daddy?

[Jack McWilliams]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And how long have you been in a relationship with a girl from Austin?

[Jack McWilliams]

Two years next month.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice. What does she do?

[Jack McWilliams]

She works at heb. She's a manager.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's an American hero is what she is. That's right.

[Harland Williams]

Wait, what's heb?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't know about heb? Harlan.

[Harland Williams]

We're Canadian. We don't know what that is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're Canadian, too?

[Nick Rochefort]

I'm just a piece of French Canadian. I'm like half.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Harland Williams]

I'm French Canadian, too, too. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Nick Rochefort]

Cousins?

[Harland Williams]

Yeah. What's an hpb?

[William Montgomery]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hb.

[Nick Rochefort]

Hpv.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

HB is the world's greatest grocery store, ladies and gentlemen. Now, it sounds like. Hey, what do you mean, world's greatest grocery store? Like what? What does that even. All grocery stores are created equal MO my friend. Every single thing at an H E B is better than every single thing anywhere else. Literally in every single way. If anything happens has the HB logo on it. Even if it looks like it's generic, it's better than the actual product that it's competing with.

[Harland Williams]

Can I ask a question?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You can ask any question you'd like. I would love to answer. We love hb. That is not even a paid sponsorship, by the way. That is just our hearts.

[Harland Williams]

And it is lasagna.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A. Unbelievable. Can I tell you something? 22 layers. Good luck, buddy. I put one in the oven on my way here.

[Emo Maw]

No.

[Danny Martinello]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I slow cook it. I put it on before the show. I come to sound check. Yeah. Good luck, you French Canadian. You'll never get up to 22 layers. You would need a goddamn crane to pull off such a feat. The lasagna layer.

[Harland Williams]

I barely know her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Does your girl ever bring home any special treats from H E B? Some exclusive treats. Perhaps their unbelievable jalapeno stuffed peppers. Stuffed jalapeno poppers.

[Jack McWilliams]

It's actually my pet nickname for my girlfriend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Indeed.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Jack McWilliams]

She bring. We always shop at H E B.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are some of your favorite things from heb? Tell these Canadians what the fuck is going on here.

[Danny Martinello]

Let's see.

[Jack McWilliams]

See, I'm having tr. Hey, Adam. Egot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Be quiet.

[Jack McWilliams]

I'm having trouble thinking of a specific thing. But she just went through the management training, and I know that they, like, spend years with, like, a group of scientists developing their products as good, if not Better than, like, normal products like Doritos. They only hold Doritos because then everybody needs to still shop at HEB because they want to. Harlan, get with the program, man.

[Harland Williams]

Wait, so it's like science food?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Jack McWilliams]

Yeah, that's the perfect way to describe it. But, like, they'll develop a product for years before they release it, making sure that it's superior to whatever they're trying to replicate. So, like, look, it's, it's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's real.

[Jack McWilliams]

So does.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What you have to understand is that it's real and it's a anomaly. And you kind of hear about it when you first get here. You know, I'm red band and I've been here five years now. And you learn a lot. HEBN for five years. Years. And different HEBs actually have different specialists and chefs and cooks and stuff that specialize in different things. For example, speaking of Bernie, I was at my buddy's ranch in Bernie a couple weeks ago, and it turns out their bakery is literally out of control. To where the guy, my buddy, Nick's dad, is like, hey, man, you gotta try these snickerdoodles, baby. And I'm like, I'm not a big cook cookie guy. I'm not into sweets. He's like, no, you gotta try the snickerdoodles from the heb, baby. The. The lady at the bakery at this HEB here in Bernie, out of control. And I swear to God, like, 72 snickerdoodle cookies. It was like I was wasted on snickerdoodles.

[Harland Williams]

What does HPB even.

[Nick Rochefort]

It's pronounced HPV is what it is. And you guys are.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Don't you guys take this grocery store name it vain.

[Harland Williams]

What's. What does it mean? What is it? What are the letters?

[Nick Rochefort]

Human papillomavirus, people call it.

[Jack McWilliams]

Here everything's better. But I believe it's just after somebody's name.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is. And you're not going to believe the name. I believe it is. Is it Herbert? Herbert E. Butts, ladies and gentlemen. B U T T S.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, that's where I want to shop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's red bands, one fart noise.

[Harland Williams]

Thank you. No Buttered.

[Jack McWilliams]

The buttered tortillas. My girlfriend makes breakfast.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, absolutely. The place goes wild. Make them fresh. I know. And again, I imagine that the people listening around the world right now are going, shut the up. There's no way you guys have a superior grocery store.

[William Montgomery]

You.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We do. It's an anomaly. It's just one of the things we also have, as you may Know a superior gas station. Our grocery stores, our gas station, our tax breaks, our real estate, our booming economy. So many things are better here in Texas.

[Harland Williams]

I shop down the street at Wally Eats Ass. How about that?

[Emo Maw]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, it's Howard. I've been. I thought it was her Herbert, because that sounds cooler than Howard, but it's Howard E. Butts.

[Jack McWilliams]

Yeah. So we were gonna. My girlfriend and I were gonna have her move up to Chicago in June if something didn't take off comedy wise for me. And she was like, I don't know where I'm gonna work, where I'm gonna shop. And I was just like, yeah, we got Jul Osco, but that sucks compared to Heb.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. There's no comparison.

[Harland Williams]

Are you sure you're just not a valet in Key Largo?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do have that VI vibe somehow.

[Harland Williams]

You look like you might be guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, It's a golf caddy. Are there any promising golf caddy positions here?

[Jack McWilliams]

I work at Spanish Oaks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, nice. So you already work here? Perfect, man.

[Jack McWilliams]

So I go six months at a time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're doing a cap?

[Jack McWilliams]

Oh, I play the least amount of golf I ever have now that I caddy. So like bogey golf. But I was like a 10 in college, so good enough to keep up and have fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perfect.

[Nick Rochefort]

Like you smash it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you do, Jack. Congratulations, Jack. A fantastic performance. Jack, are you around Wednesday for a secret show?

[Jack McWilliams]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Boom. Doing the secret show.

[William Montgomery]

Boom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

On a real gig. Very possibly the newest door guy here at the mothership. Here's the big joke book, my friend. Boom. Jack McWilliams. Getting real gigs. That's how possible things are. With just a little bit of jokes and mental stability, you can actually have good things happen to you on this show. This bucket pool is representing the inside, but I believe they've already wrangled her. Ladies and gentlemen, representing the audience. Make some noise for Paula, everybody. Here we go.

[Paula]

Hi. I'm going to do something a little different here. I'm not going to talk about the number one topic usually on this show, which is dicks. I'm going to talk about a former Olympic sport. You might not notice, but I was a competitive athlete at one point. I'm kind of surprised too. Anybody want to guess what sport that might have been? No. Synchronized swimming. That's what made me question the Olympics. If I could do it, I'm not convinced. So what made me realize that I I that that I couldn't take my gift to the next step was because I hated getting my hair wet. One more One more joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, I'm going to save you here, Paula. Go ahead. And now, even though the bear is played. Go ahead, do the one more. How long do you think the one more is?

[Red Band]

Just.

[Paula]

Just 20 seconds.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, here we go. 20 seconds.

[Paula]

Paula, have you noticed that nothing lasts anymore? Your car, five to seven years. Your phone, two to three years. Your washing machine, five years. It's a revolving door for constant revenue. I think it all started with tighty whities. They were white. And. Oh, there was one more part to that. Anyway, there was. It was impossible to hide your biohazards.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Paula. Jiminy crickets. Good Lord almighty. Paula, I gotta tell you, you are the opposite of an heb. Paula, grab that microphone. You're in the interview part now. Have you ever done stand up before?

[Paula]

Never.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What made you want to sign up for this here tonight? What in the world would make you want to sign up for this?

[Paula]

I watched the show for at least five years and I thought it would be kind of fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did it feel? How does it feel? You're in it right now.

[Paula]

I was a little nervous back there, but it's okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Paula, let's talk about your life. You've seen the show, so obviously the set didn't go that good. But you can save it with an amazing interview.

[Paula]

I got some stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, tell us about your life, Paula.

[Jenny Ann]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like your haircut.

[Paula]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You look like what Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction would have looked like if she would have died all the way from the overdose. If Travolta didn't hit her right in the heart with that syringe. That would have been you.

[Harland Williams]

It's nice to see the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang making a comeback.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What. What is Chitty Chitty wasn't even old.

[Harland Williams]

Lollipops Ice Cream. All three today.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are these references?

[Harland Williams]

Lollipops Ice Cream. Come on, children. All three.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Today we're gonna have to overlay on the YouTube show.

[Harland Williams]

We're gonna have the worst villains of all time. The child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I. I don't know anything about the

[Harland Williams]

top hat on that. That's it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. I do see it. Red band has pulled it up. And indeed, you look like the ch.

[Harland Williams]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely amazing.

[Harland Williams]

Children. Come out, children.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, all right. We get the. We get.

[Harland Williams]

Well, it's going a lot better than her act. I mean that. And by the way, can you do one more when you haven't done the first one yet?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's great.

[Harland Williams]

Lollipop today, children.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's incredible. Harland is so funny that he's able to kill with an impression that nobody's ever even seen before.

[Harland Williams]

Right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is amazing. So, Paula, tell us about your life. What's a fun fact about your life?

[Paula]

My dad's brother was killed by the mob.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Wow.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, I up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

Lollipops, graveyard, shallow graves. All free today.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, but what about you, Paula? Let's talk about you. You look like you've been through about nine or ten divorces or something like that. No, I'm kidding. All right, let's. Let's hear it, Paula. What you been doing with your life?

[Ari Maddie]

Wife?

[Paula]

I've been on Steve Harvey before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What were you doing on Steve Harvey's show?

[Nick Rochefort]

Divorcing Peewee Herman?

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, she said she was on Steve Harvey. Put it together.

[Paula]

I submitted and asked Steve.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Paula]

And then they called me and they interviewed me, and then we did that on the show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right. What. What was the. What did you want to ask Steve?

[Harland Williams]

It was.

[Paula]

It was probably back in, like, 2015 or 16, but it was something about. It was when one of our kids was in college and he. He lived in walk up. And we had never been in the place, but we were paying the rent. Rent. And he wouldn't let us in. We had to sit on the stoop. And so that's what the question was regarding. And then Steve Harvey went.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Paula. Jesus, this is amazing, Paula. Sorry. Are you sure you've seen this show, Paula?

[Paula]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right. How many kids do you have?

[Paula]

Two.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did you do for work your entire life?

[Harland Williams]

She's got all the kids. She's the child catcher.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on. Okay, all right. Enough of the.

[Danny Martinello]

The.

[Harland Williams]

I'll do it again. Watch it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, we got.

[Harland Williams]

All right, all three children.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Answer the question, Paula.

[Paula]

I did.

[Emo Maw]

I tried.

[Paula]

I was a fitness trainer for a while.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Fitness trainer. And then what, you. You got married, stopped working, had kids?

[Paula]

No, no, I. It was when my kids were older.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How old are your kids now?

[Paula]

One is almost 40. And. And one is in his 30s.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, cool. And you have a boyfriend now?

[Paula]

I'm married.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're married. How do you keep things fresh in the bedroom?

[Paula]

I don't, Lolly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Jesus Christ, Paula. Here's a little joke. Get out of here. Get off of me. Here's a little joke. But can you catch? Here we go.

[Danny Martinello]

Oh, Boom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's an Olympian. Paula the Olympic. Great catch. She really is an athlete. Jesus Christ. Some wild bucket pulls Tonight, folks, this is what the show is. Sometimes it's Home Run Derby, and sometimes it's Strikeout City. You never know what's gonna happen here. All right, it appears to be your final bucket pull of the night. Your third female comedian of the night goes by the name of Jenny Ann, everybody. Here we go.

[Jenny Ann]

Hi, everybody. Hello. So I've been thinking about my celebrity doppelganger, and I finally found it. It's the nerd emoji. Yeah, I've been a nerd for a really long time. Back when the Internet asked women one question, you probably know, was it hot? Were you hot or were you not? Yeah, I was. On a scale of one to ten, and I was a nine. Yeah, don't laugh. I was nine years old. Okay, Epstein, now I'm an adult, and the Internet asks me more questions like, what's your name? What's your Social Security number? Are you a girl boss? Are you a trad wife? And I'm like, I'm single and tired. I'm so exhausted. I'm outsourcing all my decisions to AI. I'm scared. I'm actually turning into a robot eventually. I think the question might be not are you hot or not? But are you a bot or not? Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, God. Strike me down. Just slit my throat.

[Harland Williams]

I think I might be able to save this one. Even I see your picture here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you do the thing, I'm going to blow my brains out. Oh, my God.

[Harland Williams]

You're going to free today, children. I saved it off. I saved.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is amazing, Jenny. An, you've been on this show before, correct?

[Jenny Ann]

Yeah, I sold a 69 Mustang on your show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that's right. You pitched a 69 Mustang and then you ended up selling. Selling it.

[Jenny Ann]

Yeah, to a dad and his sons. And they're gonna fix it up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice. Very good. How exciting. What else is going on in your life, Jenny? You've had enough time to maybe think about what else you could have talked about in the interview portion of the show. Since the last time you were on, any fun facts about your life or anything interesting about you?

[Jenny Ann]

I don't. I don't know where to begin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Any one of the things would be where to begin. Any one of the things. Things.

[Jenny Ann]

I used to run a lot, and I ran in college. And then after college, I was briefly a shoe model for HOKA Shoes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow.

[Jenny Ann]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How much did that pay? How much does a shoe model pay? Is your face in the things or is it like.

[Jenny Ann]

No, you know, we were chased by a giant marshmallow to explain how soft Hoka shoes was.

[Harland Williams]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I have good news. The giant marshmallow sits right next to me now. This is him. Damn you Ghostbusters. Well, it's in, like, a shoe model.

[Red Band]

Like, a mannequin can do that, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, you don't. What's.

[Jenny Ann]

Yeah, I mean, we just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's just the shoe.

[Jenny Ann]

It was just us. We, like, ran around on a track in, like, a giant marshmallow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about anything else interesting about you, Jenny Ann? Anything else about your life? What's your dating life like? You seem like the third craziest woman that's been on the show tonight.

[Jenny Ann]

Thank you. My dating life is. I'm starting to date more, so that's good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you doing to do that? Are you on the apps or something?

[Jenny Ann]

Yeah, I am on the apps.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Is your avatar the nerd emoji? What does your bio say on these apps?

[Jenny Ann]

Basically looking for someone who likes to make things and go on long walks and get coffee.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. So boring.

[Nick Rochefort]

This is one foxy dork right here, Tony. Jesus Christ.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is.

[Nick Rochefort]

Are we hitting it off? Yeah, like, keep looking at me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm married.

[Nick Rochefort]

I can't. But God damn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I still think she's, like, a dominatrix or something.

[Harland Williams]

Like how she's something. I think she's got a Gilligan's eye island fetish.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, another super topical Harlan reference. We've eked our way to the early 70s, ladies and gentlemen.

[Harland Williams]

I'm this close to pulling out the lollipop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. All right, so, Jenny, give us an example. Like the last date that you went on, what was that? You. You matched with somebody and then you met them for coffee or something. Good.

[Jenny Ann]

Yeah, we went for a walk around Lady Bird Lake.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Jenny Ann]

Don't worry. I'm not the Lady Bird Lake killer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, keep going. Keep going. Jenny, that's not funny. Just keep going. It's just crazy. It's crazy what's going on here tonight. It's the least funniest, people. Like, I'm going to sign up for Kill Tony.

[Harland Williams]

I've never had narcolepsy, but I think I'm about to get it real quick.

[Jenny Ann]

Policy, that's what.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, let him sleep before he does the lollipop song.

[Harland Williams]

All three today, children.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Okay, so, Jenny, you went for a walk around Ladybird Lake and then the date. What happened?

[Jenny Ann]

I told him about what I did last week.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh. What did you do the week before for?

[Jenny Ann]

I went to Las Vegas to help sell AI Guns.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right. Okay, so then. Then what happened on the day. Jenny, Jesus. God.

[Jenny Ann]

Just. Somehow I made him laugh. I don't.

[Nick Rochefort]

All right, Tony, she's boring.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it is incredible.

[Nick Rochefort]

God damn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's. Jenny, Last.

[Harland Williams]

Last.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Last question I could possibly ask you before we. I think. I think this might be a new thing. Just the new wait a year program. Before I put you on a year of no signup allowance, bring back blacklist, give us something interesting about your entire life. Anything could work right now. Anything. It was the car, wasn't it? You sold a Mustang, and that was it. That was your entire personality. Last time you were on. On. And now you're back.

[Jenny Ann]

Yeah, I'm back. What I get.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've seen the show before.

[Jenny Ann]

I watch it every Monday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you see, like, I'll ask somebody a question and then they'll answer honestly and I'll say something honestly. Okay. Most interesting thing about your life.

[Nick Rochefort]

200 body count

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

again. We keep answering for you here, Jenny Ann. You're not saying anything while claiming that you're answering on honestly. It's normally not this hard. You can say anything, any thing. Any thing about your entire life.

[Jenny Ann]

I don't. I think it's interesting that I sold AI guns last week.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, there she goes. Jenny Ann. A year. You'll have to wait a year to see her big return. Holy. There she goes. Golly gee. What the. You know, if I was a fan of this show, I'd be thinking, maybe it's burnt out. You know what I mean? Maybe, just maybe, maybe they ran their course. In the end. It was just a bunch of crazy people signing up for the chance to do a minute. But let me remind you, we find stars almost every other week or so. There's another absolute monster, monster comedian that we find. Dedrick Flynn has the week off. He's in Atlanta with his family. For those of you that. That. That are fans of the show, may I say we have a book to recommend. The great Louis CK Wrote a book. It's called Ingram, everybody. I read it. It's amazing. You should. Should read it. Why not read a book while listening to your favorite podcast, Kill Tony? How about a hand for Louis C.K. ladies and gentlemen? It's an amazing book. You're gonna love it. Harlan, what were you gonna say there?

[Harland Williams]

No, it's the moments past. I was gonna say this was more like entertaining than.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it literally was the highlight of her set.

[Harland Williams]

It was the most interesting thing she did. Really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Anyway, we can always count on our regulars. The great Ari Maddie performed earlier and the only way to end a show like this is with the hall of famer with the record for the most appearances on this show, the most interviews during this show in the show's history. And he is here again, ladies and gentlemen, closing us out. It's the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the. The Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery, everybody.

[William Montgomery]

Did y' all know that a woman discovered Kevlar? And then she said, I'll just turn this into a little vest. I recently asked ChatGPT if AI would one day replace Red Band's job as podcast producer, and it responded. You mean Red Band hasn't been replaced yet? I watched Donnie Darko dubbed in French the other day, and I definitely didn't know what the fuck was going on. My girl don't need a sports bra. She needs to sit on the couch and watch Bravo bra. My girl don't need a sports bra. She needs to call the American Idol hotline and issue a bomb threat bra. Okay, that's my time. Thank you, Tony.

[Harland Williams]

Ooh, in and out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William Montgomery. William, have you watched any of tonight's show? Have you seen any of it?

[William Montgomery]

Sometimes you're saw just a little of it. I haven't been paying attention, but what a bunch of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Of.

[William Montgomery]

Bunch of kind of weirdo kind of people, right?

[Nick Rochefort]

Yeah, psycho.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, psycho. That last girl, she seemed strange when she was walking out. I just touched her shoulder, just trying to be nice. And then I went on with what I was doing and I turned around and she was just sitting there staring at me. And I was like, okay, keep walking. I was trying to be nice. I was trying to be nice. What the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is wild proof that the but bucket is real, that anything can happen. Because if these things were pre. Picked or produced at all, clearly none of. None of that. I like Demo Magock, the Extremely Black Man. And. And yeah, the. The Caddy, the. The Jack McWilliams was fun, but. And then there's just funny. You and Ari, Maddie.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, well, I've been so busy up there. I've been hanging out with Ari, Matty's friend, also from Estonia. He will not get off my back in the green room. He's. It's Tony. It's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's an Estonian comedian that's annoying you in the green room.

[William Montgomery]

It's really. No, I'm kidding. He's been very nice. I only briefly said hello, but he seem.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think.

[William Montgomery]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't.

[William Montgomery]

What have I been doing up there tonight, Tony? I'm trying to even think about What I've even been doing up there tonight? Not a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're asking me what you've been doing in the green room while we've been taping the show?

[Emo Maw]

Huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nothing. All right, William, how's life been going for you? What have you been?

[William Montgomery]

Not good, Tony. Well, it's not funny. No, not good. I gotta snap out of it. I haven't done the row machine in three weeks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've been. What made you stop rowing?

[William Montgomery]

Kept my sciatic nerve. And then I just. I was worried I wasn't I was gonna to just stop doing it. Now I've just stopped doing it. So I've got to get back. I've been in this horrible funk. I've been in it for three weeks now. So I just gotta get out of it.

[Danny Martinello]

Tony.

[William Montgomery]

I've been on ebay.

[Emo Maw]

I've.

[William Montgomery]

I've bought all the oriental rugs I can literally fit in my place. And now I'm on to lamps. Now I'm buying a bunch of lamps on ebay. But I'm a little worried because I got this really cool kind of old school looking ashtray and I got the package finally arrived today and it was broken. Broken.

[Nick Rochefort]

Why didn't you buy it from me? William, we're friends, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you could go to Nicaroshafort's antique store at Shamanic.

[William Montgomery]

I'm talking about. You told me. No, you don't have very good looking rugs. I looked at your rugs.

[Nick Rochefort]

I have good looking rugs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's great rugs. Ch. You saw me like M O N I X house, Chamonix house.

[Nick Rochefort]

And you went on a ebay behind my.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, I got a ebay and they smell like. All of them smell like. They all smell moldy. I should have bought.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of lamps have you bought off ebay this week?

[William Montgomery]

Oh my gosh. I got one that looks like a duck. A. A brass looking duck. I've got a. One that looks like another oriental. It's another oriental thing. It's a. It looks like a. It's some sort of cookie jar. It's some sort of jar that. That. Yeah. I gotta get a. Gotta get a lampshade. So I've been looking on this lampshade website and that's real kind of boring. I mean, they got. Got different kind of lampshades. They got ones that kind of look like a cylinder. They also got ones with like a small top.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What else? What other kind do they have?

[Jack Hemphill]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're make something up here. It's Getting a laugh.

[William Montgomery]

Like spherical

[Jack Hemphill]

more.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

There's also fiber optic. Optic stuff. Yeah, I'm getting fiber optic out in my apartment. Tony. Sorry. Yeah, it was just so boring. It's hard to even do that.

[Harland Williams]

I heard I saw something on social media the other day that you were sitting in your living room the other night and an owl smashed into your window. Is that true?

[William Montgomery]

It is true, and it's very weird. I didn't know if it was a demonic kind of thing. I didn't really understand because I've literally. In my car recently, almost all these birds hit my side window.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, my God.

[William Montgomery]

Literally, when I met, like, a red light, birds will just start going into my side window. And now it's happening in my apartment. And now it's happening with owls, now it's happening with hawks, now it's happening with all different kinds of birds they have around here.

[Harland Williams]

Seriously, you're not eating Alfred Hitchcock, are you? Another old reference.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, it's the late 50s. No big deal.

[Harland Williams]

You want to go to Arby's later?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah. Double beef and cheddar.

[William Montgomery]

Ooh, Steak bites. I love the Arby's steak bite.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you do? What else do you love?

[William Montgomery]

From Arby's jamoka shake to.

[Harland Williams]

Whoa.

[William Montgomery]

No, but that's all I really love. I really do love a jamoka shake.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's it.

[William Montgomery]

Just do that right there.

[Harland Williams]

What do they call.

[William Montgomery]

No, nothing else from our.

[Harland Williams]

What do you call them?

[William Montgomery]

A jamoka Shay car.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's how I order them.

[William Montgomery]

And the birds are flying into my window. Dying. Dying. Seriously, it's been a weird. That's why I've been down recently, Tony. It's weird.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Birds have been flying into your windows.

[Jack Hemphill]

Correct.

[Nick Rochefort]

And it's.

[William Montgomery]

Now it's on some social media stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There must be.

[William Montgomery]

You heard about that?

[Harland Williams]

I saw that. I also heard an ostrich. An ostrich ran up your ass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is there something that you're leaving out, perhaps? Do you have some type of food that you've left out? The. Why would birds fly into your wind windows? Have you. Is there something going.

[William Montgomery]

Energy thing, I think, Tony.

[Harland Williams]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

Worried about. Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

Don't they say if a bird flies into your house, it means somebody's gonna die? And I don't want to be morbid, but isn't that, like, a thing?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

God, I've been watching a whole bunch of police cam videos. That's what I've been doing. And dear Lord, Tony, right before this, again, I kind of haven't been feeling great. And I'm watching this One I didn't even click on. The next video just goes on, and it's these two police officers, and there's this crazy guy won't roll down the window, and he to give the light the fucking driver's license. And then they end up breaking out the window. And then he shoots the one guy in the neck in the stomach. And then it shows a process of them blocking off the roads with the other police cruisers from their fucking police scams. It was police scams everywhere, but it kind of didn't help my mood before I got here.

[Harland Williams]

What's that got to do with a bird?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A lot of people say you laugh like an owl. Okay, well, I mean, stupid. Recommend the book Respond Ingram by Louis CK One more time since a lot of people have decided to take up reading instead of watching Kill Tony. We want to see say a fond farewell to the millions of people that believed in us for a long time. William, you might have to start rowing again, buddy.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, I. I have to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I have. Yeah. Do you think I noticed that three weeks ago you stopped rowing? Three weeks ago was also about the same timeline as that one show that you did? Do you think. Do you. Do you think there's any correlation to you stopping working out? Birds flying into your windows? Do you think there's any correlation between what is being considered, you know, a very viral moment for you and all of these things? Birds flying into your windows? Owls.

[Harland Williams]

All these tearing up. He's tearing up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, he's not.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you trying to make yourself

[Harland Williams]

put

[Nick Rochefort]

a spell on you, Will?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William, Are you trying to make yourself cry right now?

[Nick Rochefort]

Some witch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William, don't try to make yourself cry. This is the first in the history of the show. William has never gone to acting school. He's never taken an acting class. He's never talked to an acting coach, and he's trying to make himself cry.

[William Montgomery]

I was really crying the other morning.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Toy, tell us why you were crying. Oh, come on. It's. It's okay. You tell her. No. Come on.

[William Montgomery]

I could never. Not in this situation.

[Emo Maw]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, fine. Yeah, well, the world. What the. No. You stupid.

[William Montgomery]

Somebody kill this guy.

[Ashley Ann]

Here it is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William Montgomery. This has been another episode of Kill Tony Brady, you by ExpressVPN and Shopify. The Moody center is New Year's Eve. The drawing from Ryan Je Belt is in. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, a Timmy. No breaks. Look at that. Guys, make sure you listen to the Harland highway podcast with Harland Williams. Harlan. Anything else? You want to plug, you're on tour.

[Harland Williams]

I'm on tour. I'm doing theaters with with the Killers of Kill Tony. And in 2026 I will be doing my own Comzilla comedy tour all over the country. Check out Harlan Williams.com and lastly, my new movie that I wrote and directed called Wingman is coming out in 2026. Keep your eyes open for it. It's gonna be great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Harley directed and wrote the movie. It is incredible. Nick Roort, ladies and gentlemen, is on the Scuffed Real tour. Tell them where they can get tickets for that.

[Nick Rochefort]

You can get tickets@shamasics house.com. i appreciate it. Thank you. Head over there, buy antiques and buy tickets to a comedy show. Like a weirdo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He really does have his own very successful antique store. It is cool as hell. Check out Shamonic's house C H A M O N I X House on Instagram and the website. Thank you to ExpressVPN and Shopify and Red Band. Check out sunset stripatx.com love you guys. We did it again. One more time. Moody Center, New Year's Eve. It's your last chance to see a Kill Tony live in 2025. Thank you, live audience. We'll see you guys again soon. Good night, everybody.

[Paula]

The Sunset Strip Comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sam.