#691 - JAMES MCCANN + ARI MATTI

Summary

Kill Tony #691 — James McCann + Ari Matti (Nov 12, 2024)

Main Theme / Purpose

In this raucous episode of Kill Tony, host Tony Hinchcliffe (with sidekick Brian Redban) is joined by return guest James McCann (Aussie comic) and regular Ari Matti (the “Estonian Assassin”). Filmed at Austin’s Comedy Mothership, the show kicks off after Tony’s controversial Trump rally set, with banter and a theme of defiant free speech. As always, a bucket of aspiring comedians delivers one-minute sets, followed by rapid-fire interviews, roast jokes, and unscripted chaos. Special appearances include regulars like Cam Patterson and the first-ever regular, Puerto Rican comic Kim Congdon, who delivers a headline-grabbing roast of Tony. The energy is high, with international flair, political digs, and an ongoing celebration of comedic risk-taking.

---

Key Segments & Highlights

1. Tony’s Opening—Free Speech Backlash (00:00–03:26)

• Tony addresses recent controversy from his Trump rally performance, referencing backlash over Puerto Rico landfill jokes and standing by his comedic style:
  • “I apologize to absolutely nobody. Not to the Puerto Ricans, not to the whites, not to the blacks, not to the Palestinians, not to the Jews, and not to my own mother, who I made fun of during the set.” (01:30, Tony)
• Theme of “comedy without apology” is set for the night.

---

2. Meet the Guests & Panel (05:45–14:00)

• James McCann returns, pokes fun at being the “last-minute” guest after other acts dropped:
  • “I can’t imagine how many people must have turned this down for me to get this tonight. I’m glad those fucking cowards aren’t here.” (05:46, McCann)
• Ari Matti (regular, “Estonian Assassin”) opens with political material, lampooning both left/right:
  • “On one side, there’s unarmed pussies, on the other, there’s Nazi rapists. Everybody has to have fun.” (11:44, Ari Matti)
• Ari is invited to the panel for the episode.

---

3. Notable Comedian Segments

Matt the W (14:44–25:16)

• Bit: Spells out words riffing with his girlfriend (“K I S S”, etc.), offbeat energy.
• Works at McDonald’s as a “shift leader”; writes rap music; does a live rap:
  • “An open book but closed minded at times I find myself misunderstood… A hungry minded adult is the result.” (23:00, Matt rapping)
• Tony jokes about his “autistic” comedy style.

Chad Mitchell Rogers (25:47–37:03)

• Bit: Jokes about murdering girlfriend for Netflix fame, having only one testicle.
• Panel riffs endlessly about his single ball, genetics, and sex life.
  • “Is there less come?” (28:03, Ari Matti, repeatedly)
  • “When you get it out, do you tell girls? Just so you know…” (29:48, Ari Matti)
• Very supportive and roast-heavy, veering into musical parodies about “having one ball.”

Fiona Cauley (37:44–48:34)

• Wheelchair user; jokes about catching boyfriend cheating, outsmarting him with “contagious disability."
  • “I told him my disability was contagious … that motherfucker was, like, how contagious?” (37:54, Fiona)
• Shares airline stories about handicapped boarding, wheelchair malfunctions, and being recognized by Kill Tony fans.

Danny Martinello (49:41–61:30)

• High-energy Canadian comic, delivers tight first-aid/CPR bit, followed by a rapid, honest, and heartfelt interview about pursuing comedy in New York/Austin.
  • “No one’s ever told me to hide my teeth unless it was like, my mom and it fell out and you’re getting a five buck for it.” (55:35, Danny)
• Gets emotional about being inspired by Ron White’s MSG speech. Surprise: Ron White appears, invites him to perform at a future MSG show.

Benjamin Dahlke (72:07–82:20)

• Young, androgynous comic with quiet, awkward humor about Tinder and roadkill: “I have a cat that vomits for attention, so obviously it’s a girl.”
• Reveals he’s never had sex, awkward dating experience where Kill Tony fandom torpedoes a Tinder date.
• Arms and looks get good-natured ribbing (“Your arms look like chopsticks.”)
• Grandfather was a test pilot at Area 51.

Mark Sinclair (82:59–88:36)

• Opens with a dark molestation/dementia joke: “Glad one of us can forget the molestation.”
• Moving to Dublin; surprise: shares a name with Vin Diesel (whose real name is Mark Sinclair).
• On the Canadian terrorist watch list at age nine.

Kim Congdon (Special Set + Panel) (89:57–92:59)

• Roasts Tony with Puerto Rican pride:
  • “Tony, you called Puerto Rico an island full of piles of hot trash, which is very close to what you like: islands full of piles of hot boys.” (90:51, Kim)
  • “Puerto Ricans are American as fuck. … We love our music. We’re racist just like you guys.” (91:28, Kim)
• Tosses paper towels into the crowd (callback to Trump’s infamous incident), joins the panel, inciting crowd energy.

Matthew LaCour (93:41–101:52)

• Mixed-race comic (black/white/Irish), jokes about ancestry and military life (“25% Nigerian—so now I can use the N word. I just gotta break it into syllables…”)
• Purple belt in jiu-jitsu, works with kids at the YMCA.
• Honest about awkward dating and fears (heights).

Dallas Turner (102:18–107:53)

• Canadian, white rapper (“Lil God”), delivers a rap about “ice cream and meth”:
  • “We don’t wanna die / Wanna live long still / Ice cream and do meth …” (105:54, Dallas rapping)
• Panel and audience roast his stage persona, but cheer his bravado.

William Montgomery (Headliner/Closer) (109:16–117:32)

• Kiltony regular, comes with topical Zingers about Tony’s Trump rally:
  • “After hearing Tony's jokes at the Trump rally, Donald is now wishing he would have been shot in his other ear too.” (109:18, William)
• Shifts into absurd tales about Tetris, shitting in club bathrooms, respecting women, and dealing with impressions from Jeff Richards.

---

Notable Quotes & Moments

• James McCann on immigrant comedians: “As an Australian, the closest thing to a Puerto Rican you could get at short notice, I’m assuming. I’m from an island full of criminals and we’re coming here taking your jobs.” (06:28)
• Ari Matti: “I’m gonna vote for whoever lets me stay… If Kamala wins, I’m transitioning!” (11:50)
• Tony on performing at the White House: “If Trump wins, I’ll be at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner roasting the shit out of him. If Kamala wins, I will be revealing that I was a plant at the rally.” (12:19)
• Kim Congdon: “These are my white slaves, and I really wanted to take this opportunity to do something that every Puerto Rican wants to do right now.” (90:23)
• Ron White’s cameo: “It’s come full circle. Ron White spoke at MSG, inspired [Danny Martinello] to come to Austin, now he’ll perform at MSG too.” (59:53–61:31)
• Panel riffing on dating struggles, disabilities, race, and sexual anxieties—kept playful but biting throughout.

---

Panel Chemistry / Tone

• Comedic Mayhem: The panel keeps the energy unfiltered, hype, and “equal opportunity offensive,” especially in crowdwork.
• International/Cultural Vibes: An immigrant-heavy panel (Estonian, Australian, Irish, Canadian, Puerto Rican, and more), all trading friendly jabs about heritage, accents, and outsider status.
• Self-awareness: Frequent jokes about the show’s reputation and the host’s controversies—self-roasting for being “problematic.”
• Vulnerable Confessions: Guests and bucket comics share sincere details—work at McDonald’s, physical disabilities, dating woes, and family secrets.

---

Useful Timestamps

• Opening / Tony’s Speech – 00:01–03:27
• Intro Panel: McCann & Ari Matti – 05:45–14:00
• Matt the W set/interview/rap – 14:44–25:16
• Chad Mitchell Rogers (One Ball Saga) – 25:47–37:03
• Fiona Cauley on disabilities & dating – 37:44–48:34
• Danny Martinello set + Ron White cameo – 49:41–61:31
• Cam Patterson regular spot – 62:36–71:02
• Benjamin Dahlke’s debut (awkward date/Area 51) – 72:07–82:20
• Mark Sinclair—Molestation jokes/Ireland move – 82:59–88:36
• Kim Congdon roast + joins panel – 89:57–92:59
• Matthew LaCour (military, dating) – 93:41–101:52
• Dallas Turner/Lil God rap – 102:18–107:53
• William Montgomery headliner stories – 109:16–117:32

---

Final Notes

• The episode is a microcosm for uncensored live comedy—roasting, personal honesty, wild crowdwork, and surprise drop-ins (Ron White).
• Political and social issues are lampooned but always brought back to the human/absurd.
• Best for listeners who enjoy relentless crowdwork, inside comedy ball-busting, and over-the-top, boundary-pushing interviews.

---

Notably Memorable Moments

• The running joke about Chad’s one testicle, resulting in a ballad of ball jokes.
• Kim Congdon’s Puerto Rico roast, complete with paper towels.
• Danny Martinello’s passion, earning a surprise invite to Madison Square Garden from Ron White.
• Ari and Cam riffing about “dropping dick off and making eggs” as an unlikely buddy comedy duo.
• William Montgomery’s closing set pivoting from Trump zingers to tales of public bathroom hygiene and Tetris addiction.

---

If you missed this episode, you’ll get:

• The full spectrum of American (and immigrant) stand-up chaos,
• Battle-tested bucket comics and heartfelt under-dog tales,
• A rare blend of brash topicality and classic Kill Tony mischief.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV and now on Spotify and Apple podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to tonyhinchcliff.com everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates at tonyhinchcliff.Com if you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to Death Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Rick coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Teddy, geared up for Tony Edge CL. Last night. Guys, hold on a second. Hold on a second. Ladies and gentlemen, last night I gave a speech. I don't know if you've heard about this. It was a speech about free speech, believe it or not. And I'm currently under attack. I'm the news. I don't know if you guys know this, but on my speech on free speech, I referenced Puerto Rico, which currently has a landfill problem in which all of their landfills are filled to the brim. I guess I'm the only person that knew about this, unfortunately. And with that said, I just want to say that I've been. I love Puerto Ricans. They're very smart people. They're smart, they're street smart. And they're smart enough to know when they're being used as political fodder. And right now, that is happening. And I apologize to absolutely nobody. Not to the Puerto Ricans, not to the whites, not to the blacks, not to the Palestinians, not to the Jews, and not to my own mother, who I made fun of during the set. Nobody clipped that. No headlines about me making fun of my own mother. Perhaps that venue at that time wasn't the best fucking place to do this set at. But in any matter, to the mainstream media and to everybody trying to slander me online, that's what I do. I go hard. And that's never going to change. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Make some noise for Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen.

[C]

Hola.

[A]

Feels like home in here. You're at the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Squarespace, Zipix. Simply safe in game time. How about one more time for the best goddamn band in the land? Groove line. Horns. Carlos Sosa. Raul Vallejo. Did I fuck it up already? And Fernando Castillo.

[D]

Michael Gonzalez.

[A]

I swear to God, this Has been my band the whole time, people. Matt Muhling, everybody. The token of the band if you will. John Dees, ladies and gentlemen. And D Madness, everybody. You know my band for years. Typical racist band. Typical hater of the browns and blacks. Life is good. Business is a booming. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

[C]

The Sunset Strip Comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to Sunset Strike stripatx.com for tickets.

[A]

Who's ready to start the goddamn show, huh? Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to start this evening with one guest and one guest only. This is his second time ever as a guest on the show and he is batting a thousand percent. He is one of the most requested guests for return. He is unbelievably hysterical. Ladies and gentlemen. Make some goddamn noise for the long awaited return of James McCann. James McCann, ladies and gentlemen. Famous from an unbelievable episode with his right hand man, Shane Gillis. James McCann is back.

[D]

What a privilege to be here of all nights. Listen, I know where I'm at in the pecking order of American comedy. I can't imagine how many people must have turned this down for me to get this tonight. I'm glad those fucking cowards aren't here. I'm proud to be here on this show. Goddammit.

[A]

We are so happy to have you. Indeed, there were a couple. We will not name anybody. There were a couple Hollywood gentlemen that like working in Hollywood, specifically in Hollywood of Los Angeles, California who dropped out today. So let how about one more hand?

[D]

Hey, it's my gain. I'm happy for that.

[A]

Fearless.

[D]

Genuinely. McCann, as an Australian, the closest thing to a Puerto Rican you could get at short notice, I'm assuming.

[A]

Absolutely.

[D]

I'm from an island full of criminals and we're coming here taking your jobs. And I'm happy, happy to be a part of it.

[A]

I hit up every Puerto Rican I know. Nobody wanted a piece of this action tonight. I tried to make anyone. I was finding Puerto Ricans on the street saying do you want to be a regular on a really big show? Can you write a minute? Every week, anything goes. It doesn't have to be good. We'll make you better. Just come on. And no one wants to play. But James, you know how this works. Believe it or not, ladies and gentlemen, I don't know what the. What the conspiracy is here, but we have set a record tonight for signups. 283 human beings are at a Bar across the street, hoping that a producer runs over there with a megaphone and yells their name. These names are in the bucket.

[D]

It's almost as though the mainstream media is bullshit and they don't know what they're fucking talking about. It would almost.

[A]

It would definitely appear that way. Comedians are excited to take a shot here at this show tonight. This is very, very exciting. And so it begins. You know how it works. If I pull your name out of a bucket, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your time is up. When you hear the sound of a kitten. That means you have to wrap it up then or else you bring out the angry West Hollywood. I interview you, you wrap up the set. I interview you, we find out more about the person. Anything can happen. The whole thing's improvised. Chaos should be a lot of fun. You guys ready to. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Huh? Nah, it's not. Forget it. It's canceled. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Ladies and gentlemen, performing first tonight with a brand new 60 seconds, one of the greatest regulars in the entire show's history. A man so fearless, so strong, so powerful that we must. We must make him an American citizen To start tonight's show. I present to you a brand new minute from the Estonian assassin.

[D]

This is Ari Matt.

[B]

Hey, America, whoever you vote for is your business, but the sign outside of your house on the lawn is fucking insane. That's where your wife and kids live. Even if you vote for Kamala, don't put a sign out there for the maniacs to see that in this house there's an unarmed pussy waiting. I'm gonna rob you out of principle. I'm just gonna walk in, give me all your shit. Some Sam Smith looking fuck is in the kitchen wearing a mask in his own house.

[A]

Honey, come down.

[B]

He's here to rob us. Some green haired bitch comes down, don't assume they are here to rob us. That's why the sign outside my Lawn has Trump 2024 with two swastikas. In this house, we grab pussy, we shoot people.

[A]

Come on in. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. This is Kill Tony. And that is. Is Ari. Mattie, the Estonian pride of the Kill Tony universe has done it again. Absolute chaos. Ari, where do you. How do you. What is your fucking process? Where does this stuff come from?

[B]

I don't know. I really wanted to have something. I really wanted to have something political, but I don't know shit about shit.

[A]

Me neither. I guess. I guess that's a theme.

[B]

So, yeah, I was walking. I saw the signs on the lawn. It's fucking insane. And then I tried to write a bit that, you know, makes fun of both sides. So everybody has a bit of fun, you know, on one side, there's unarmed pussies, on the other, there's Nazi rapists. Everybody has to have fun.

[A]

Absolutely incredible, Ari.

[B]

I'm gonna vote for whoever lets me to stay. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Okay, I know who that is.

[B]

Kamala wins. I'm transitioning. You know what I'm saying? It's her time. And if my boy Trump wins, you know, I'm gonna. Daddy said it's okay. Get your pussies out.

[A]

Anything could happen. If Trump wins, I'll be at the White House Correspondent's Dinner roasting the shit out of him. If Kamala wins, I will be revealing that I was a plant at the rally,

[B]

taking him down from the inside.

[A]

That's right, an inside job. No doubt. No doubt. What else is going on, Ari? Matty? Anything else crazy in life?

[B]

I went to. Oh, I came. I went to Estonia for a bit to visit my kingdom. And listen, Kiltoni fans, you're all great, but when I'm at immigration, please don't yell estonian assassin. Okay? Don't say Kill Tony while they're asking me for the purpose of travel.

[A]

Ari, you are too much fucking fun. And I see between us an empty seat. How many of you think Ari Matty should join panel for the rest of the episode, huh?

[D]

Doing the fucking credits.

[A]

That's right. Welcome, brother man. And it has begun, ladies and gentlemen.

[D]

They've got the fucking nerve to say this man hates immigrants. We are taking over this country.

[A]

Absolutely. Absolutely. Couple of the good ones. Yeah.

[D]

No, honestly.

[A]

Yeah. So we're gonna have fun tonight. Ari, Maddie, welcome back to the panel.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

My friends, going for the triple double tonight. An unbelievable performance to start the show. And now joining the panel. And with that, I have made our first bucket pool of the evening. We're gonna meet them all together. Anything could happen here. Could be one of the bright future stars, could be made a regular right here on the spot. Could totally fail. Anything can happen. This is 60 seconds uninterrupted. I do believe the Kill Tony debut of Matt. Matt the W.

[E]

Hello.

[F]

H E E L L L L L that's how me and my girlfriend speak. So I told her the other day, I was like, hey, bae, come give me a kiss. K C I I S Sizzle. She says, you're a fool. F O o O l I said, I know what you did, my little bro. B r r O o she said, you better run R r u n I said from you I'd run all the way to Mississippi. Mmm. Thank you, guys. Thank you, guys.

[A]

Matt the W coming out with a laugh there. I think that was bad.

[B]

B

[D]

a Ah D sometimes people have a bad first three minutes and then save it at the end. That's what I find.

[F]

Hey, Tony, maybe you'd like it better if I said T r er U

[A]

m p. Okay, that's weird. That was weird. Yeah,

[D]

I like it. It's a fresh new style. Comedy's become old and stale. We're gonna slow it down. This man's Andy Kaufman, people.

[A]

Matt the W, welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand up comedy altogether?

[F]

About seven years.

[D]

Okay, seven years, but that was just two sets. They went for a really long time and.

[A]

Wow, seven years. Where at?

[F]

Mostly in New York.

[A]

New York City?

[F]

Yep. Long Island. But I did a lot of time in the city.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

When you say you did a lot of time in the city, is that okay?

[F]

A lot of stand up comedy. The minutes add up.

[A]

Okay. All right. How's it going for you?

[F]

You know, I can't complain. You know, starting from the bottom in a new place, just getting to know everybody. Everyone in mothership school. Everyone. I love Sunset Strip.

[A]

You moved to Austin is what you're saying.

[F]

I moved to Austin?

[A]

Yes.

[F]

I've been here about a year and a half.

[A]

Okay. Year and a half. What do you do for a living? What women's prison do you work at?

[F]

Well, it's actually funny you say. It is a woman's prison. It's. It's called McDonald's.

[B]

Holy shit.

[D]

Were you involved in an E. Coli outbreak recently? I've got to know because there's.

[B]

You're McDonald's. Get your boy.

[D]

I was angry to learn we couldn't order the Quarter Pounder at the moment. Is anyone else furious about that?

[A]

Is that a thing?

[D]

Yeah. There was an E. Coli outbreak and they said no more Quarter Pounders. But today, as you well know, my friend, the Quarter Pounder's back. It was the onions the whole time. You qua.

[B]

You.

[A]

No, no, no. Don't do it. So what do you do at this McDonald's?

[F]

I'm a shift leader.

[A]

A shift leader? Yeah.

[F]

So I. Yeah, I'm sorry. I just lightly manage.

[A]

Okay, tell us what a light manager does at a McDonald's.

[F]

Make sure the checklist gets all done. Everyone's up doing their job. Well, and McDonald's stuff, you know.

[A]

Do you fire people? Sometimes.

[F]

The boss has given me the power, but I do not use it because I don't think I should out. I'm not going to determine someone's fair. You know what someone. People make a living, they rely on it for their families. And I'm not going to. I'm not going to end that.

[A]

Incredible. Absolutely incredible. How long have you worked at McDonald's?

[F]

I started in New York during the pandemic. We were actually considered essential workers, so I worked the whole pandemic. It's not funny. You all are going to McDonald's after this, so I'll probably see you. But so then when I knew I was gonna move here, I called the local McDonald's. I said, hey, you guys hiring? And said, actually, our shift leader's leaving. I was like, perfect. They said, are you sure theater? I said, yes. So then I just gotta. Got a gig, you know.

[A]

Wow, amazing. Yeah. So what were you doing before the pandemic?

[F]

I would bounce job to job. I actually, I was big into comedy, so I would literally. I was living my parents, so I had that security. I would literally just quit jobs and just spend my money going the lir and just into the. What? I don't know if I said. I call it the train. I never call it the lirr. The Long Island Railroad. And I would just spend my whole paycheck on tickets and just mic to mic and just do my thing.

[A]

Wow. Okay. Is that minute that you did like a newer minute?

[F]

I've been doing that for a few months. I actually go actually do a whole second part to it.

[A]

Oh my God, no. Seven years in the industry. Matthew, I'm interested to hear what you think your best joke ever is. Instead of doing a newer joke where you spell it out and you only have a minute and it's longer than that and da da, da, da. I'm interested. It could be very, very short, perhaps, or just the root of it. What's your best joke in seven years? What's your go to heavy hitter? If you had a audition for the Tonight show and you took the lar to the four rail or whatever the fuck, like, what exactly would you do?

[F]

I don't really do jokes per se. I do more bits.

[A]

You do bits? Okay. Can you do one of the bits?

[F]

If you want me to. It's a little long.

[A]

It's not too long. Is there anything. Is there anything kind of like.

[F]

Well, I do mostly improv. Improv and riffing. I like the joke you just heard. I riffed that on stage once and I edited it.

[B]

Scene McDonald's.

[A]

Incredible. Incredible. What would be something about your entire life that we would be surprised by? What's the most interesting fact about your life?

[F]

Well, I do this. This really takes up all my time. I also make music.

[A]

What kind of music do you make?

[F]

Rap.

[A]

You make rap music? Yeah.

[D]

Watch out, he's gonna make you rap now. I've seen this before.

[A]

Well, geez, way to really step on the big surprise here, James.

[G]

I just.

[D]

I don't know that we have 45 minutes to listen to one rap song.

[B]

I.

[A]

Wow, this is incredible. Do you rap yourself?

[F]

Yeah, you know, it's all I love to do. I love comedy and music and I don't. I don't do much other than that besides my day job, you know.

[A]

Okay. All right. I like your style. Were you vaccinated? You must have been an essential worker in New York City, right?

[F]

I don't think that's anything to do with what we're doing.

[D]

I know a man who's trying not to answer that question when I see it. Respect.

[E]

Yeah.

[F]

I mean, get back some good backs. That's on you.

[A]

Do your thing. Absolutely. Absolutely. Get facts. Be a shift leader.

[F]

So you said that. You said that.

[A]

I said it. I want to hear you rap a little bit. Michael, if you could just give him a light beat. Nothing too loud and crazy, because I want to hear him. I can already tell he's not going to be that loud. He's not gonna project. Nice and soft, guys. Nice and easy. Even. Even slightly easier than that. There you go. Yo.

[F]

Made in his image so get a good look. I'm an open book but closed minded at times I find myself misunderstood and it gets me shook it's just how I feel inside. And these kids getting kids meals. Food for thought, you know. A hungry minded adult is the result. Bolts of truth pass through the youth as it rains Gotta shed those tears if you wanna know the pain if there's bad blood then someone's gotta bleed Gotta air it out so everyone can breathe but violence ain't the answer, it's the error Means someone messed up Know you need to bless up what connects us Nothing. Cause we divided by block, by city, by country Gotta reunite and give peace a chance like John Lennon. Cause even this earth need a happy endin.

[B]

Word.

[C]

Wow.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

All right. Wow.

[D]

Is.

[A]

Is the chicken Big Mac going to stay on the menu? Red Band wants to know if the chicken Big Mac is going to stay on the menu after your Performance. That's all we are curious about.

[F]

I'll be honest. That's all I was thinking about as well. And wow. It's gonna be a McRib situation. Definitely. It's gonna come and go.

[A]

That sucks, man. Right? What's your living situation?

[F]

I live with three other roommates. Two from comics, Another one's engineer, sound engineer.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[F]

Three of us from New York. Other one's from Cali.

[A]

Okay. All right. You have your own bedroom, own bed on bath.

[F]

It's crazy. Texas,

[A]

it's a life of luxury. Matt the W, probably.

[F]

No, you couldn't. Couldn't do that in New York. Couldn't live like that comfortably.

[A]

Absolutely. Here you are. You're a little spread out. Welcome to Texas, Matt the W. And congratulations on getting pulled out of the bucket. There's a little joke book. Thank you. Matt the W, ladies and gentlemen. Matt. How'd you come up with the name Matt the W?

[F]

It's. It's the take Matthew and split it into threes.

[A]

Oh, my God. Matt the W. Oh, my God. He is so autistic, it's unbelievable.

[E]

McDonald's.

[A]

It is unbelievable. Little autistic comedy for you from Matt the W. It took me 10 minutes to realize how autistic he was. It is incredible. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian out of the Bucket. These people have been waiting all day for this. Let's see what happens with the stylings of Chad Mitchell Rogers.

[H]

What's up, dude? My girlfriend and I love to travel together, and when we started traveling, we would film everything and post it on social media, and we thought we were gonna go viral and get famous, but that didn't really happen. And I'm starting to get impatient because I've always wanted to be famous. So I'm planning our next trip right now, and we're gonna go on a backpacking trip, but this time, instead of vlogging it, I think I'm just going to murder her. If I murder my girlfriend in the woods, I'm going to get a Netflix special for sure. Dude, move over, Gabby Petito. There's a new dead white bitch in town. Can you guys imagine my mugshot? Fucking Chad. I love it. I'm happy I'm with her, though, because I don't like dating apps. I've never been a fan of them, and I'm like, you know, how do people meet before dating apps? You know, it's like. Like, how do they meet in caveman times? Was it just one dude who knew how to invent fire getting all the cave Pussy. I mean, he was the first guy in the history of mankind to get laid by using Tinder. Thank you.

[A]

All right, Chad Mitchell Rogers, welcome to the show. Chad, how you feeling? Great. You've been on before, right? Yeah, I remember that face. How's it been going? Was it once before?

[H]

Twice.

[A]

Twice, yeah.

[H]

Last episode was with your mom, actually.

[A]

Oh, yeah, absolutely. That sounds a lot dirtier than it actually was. My mom. My mom has been on the panel of the show before. 77 years old out there, absolutely killing it. What did she say to you? Did she say anything to you in your appearance?

[H]

I mentioned that I only have one testicle and she asked me to prove it.

[A]

She is so funny.

[B]

Was it like cancer or stuff?

[H]

No, no cancer. Just God hates me.

[A]

What happened?

[H]

I was just born with only one. I don't know. That's. That's all the news I got.

[B]

But can you still like.

[E]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Is there, like, less come?

[H]

You know?

[B]

Is there less come?

[A]

It's kind of like.

[H]

And like a little flag comes.

[B]

Is there less come? Is there less come?

[A]

That's all they want to know if

[D]

there's less come on, camp.

[H]

I'll be.

[B]

Listen, is there less gum?

[A]

Is there less.

[B]

Okay, let me blow you real quick in the back.

[A]

Check bags. What do you got a carry on?

[H]

It seems like a normal. Normal amount of gum.

[B]

But how do you know what's normal?

[A]

Yeah, that's a great question. Mouthful or like one mouthful?

[D]

Guys, listen, some. Some very important men in history have had one testicle. Men that we're trying not to talk about tonight for obvious.

[A]

Wait, who?

[D]

Oh, Adolf Hitler had one testicle. Yeah.

[A]

Really?

[D]

Hitler had only one good ball. Do you not know that song?

[I]

Hitler?

[A]

Is that a big Australian song?

[D]

They teach us that song at primary school.

[A]

It's the Australian national anthem, ladies and gentlemen.

[D]

Why were we fighting him if it wasn't over his weird testicle? I don't. That's what they teach us. Maybe it's different here.

[A]

That is incredible. I had no idea about this. This sounds like propaganda.

[B]

Is there like a second prosthetic ball in it to make it esthetically look good? I've heard they do that.

[H]

They do that.

[I]

I. I have. I'm.

[H]

I'm poor. I can't afford.

[B]

So it's just one ball and a lot of sack. Prove it.

[A]

That's a good question. That's a great question. Did you end up with a normal size sack and it kind of just looks like. It kind of looks like the. Like an empty grocery bag or something? Like that A V. Is there something?

[H]

Yeah, it's my H e balls.

[F]

Oh.

[H]

I mean, the sack does feel small. I've seen larger ball sacks in my

[A]

day, I bet you.

[B]

Okay, so when you get it out, do you, like, tell girls? Just so you know.

[H]

Dude, this is so funny. So I've never told a girl about it before we have sex, like, first time ever. I just. I let them just find out on their own.

[B]

Jesus Christ.

[D]

Yeah, just.

[B]

Just before you're blowing in. Just this one.

[A]

Wow. Do you grow the bush out more so to, like, hide it?

[H]

I like to keep it shaved, dude. Elephant trunk.

[A]

Ball to the wall. Incredible.

[G]

Wow.

[A]

Absolutely incredible.

[D]

Is this the exact same conversation you had last time when you were on the show about the ball? Were you coming out here hoping the ball wouldn't come up again?

[B]

The ball has to come up.

[D]

I'm sure there's more to you than a ball. There's a man behind that ball.

[H]

Thank you, James.

[D]

Is there?

[H]

Yes.

[A]

Half a man.

[D]

Who are you?

[H]

I'm fucking Chad, dude.

[D]

Beyond a name, more than a sound. Who are you?

[H]

Oh, I just feel like I need to yell now. I just.

[A]

Wow. I'm kind of fired up from Ball Out Boy over here. This is incredible. Where are you?

[H]

My other testicle.

[B]

Wrong band, Wrong.

[A]

You would have thought he was the improv riffing guy that we pulled out of the bucket tonight.

[B]

It's Blink 182, right?

[A]

It was the ball sack of friendship. I miss my ball.

[B]

Wow.

[D]

One ball in my skin. This wound. I know that's a very different band, but we're all doing the voice with ball wide open.

[B]

There we go.

[A]

Under my ball sack, there is so much skin. But only one ball with a wild pearl. All right, that went way too long. Oh, I should have shaved it down a little bit, but. Absolutely incredible. So when you were born, the doctor told your parents, look, everything's good, except one little thing.

[H]

Yep.

[A]

Did they have any idea how. How rare is that? Do you know how common that is? I would have googled it when I was two and a half. I would have literally figured out how to Google and been like, what the.

[H]

I actually never looked it up.

[B]

How did you, like, find out? Because. Did you, like, figure it out? Yeah. Seeing, like, other balls and you were like, what's that? You have

[H]

one?

[B]

Yeah.

[H]

Two.

[A]

Huh. Like, how did you find. Watching Redband Google. The odds of having one ball is that when you type T into Google, right now, I'm the first thing that pops up. Just a little fun fact. Anyway, what is It. It's not normal to be born with one testicle, but it's possible to live a healthy life with one testicle. The medical term for having one testicle is. Do you know the what having one testicle is? Cryptochitism. Did you know that? You're a crypto. Crypto guy.

[H]

I knew I shouldn't have listened to Matt Damon. Dude, that's a call that.

[I]

All right.

[A]

Okay. Ball. My life, my baby babe I pray for someone like you Anyway, Got ball songs in my head. So what do you do for work?

[H]

I'm a bartender.

[A]

Ah, bartender. Okay. Highball, Screwball. Okie dokie. You're bartending here on 6th Street?

[H]

4th.

[A]

Okay. Whoa, fancy. Is it a gay bar? No, it's a sushi restaurant. Oh, okay. All right. Okay. Ball. You can eat sushi or. A lot of testatarians going, okay,

[I]

this is.

[A]

I can't believe how happy I am right now. I love it. Absolutely incredible. So what's your love life like? You having a ball?

[D]

Yeah.

[H]

I've got a beautiful girlfriend. She's awesome. Her name is Jennifer. She's the best.

[A]

What does she have like one tit or something like that? Where'd you meet her at?

[H]

We met in Los Angeles. We were in the same acting studio.

[A]

Okay, this does indeed sound like you're going to end up murdering her in the woods one day.

[D]

Yo, I did forget that you threatened to murder your girlfriend in the woods.

[E]

Really?

[D]

You darted into the testicle de gear to kind of COVID up for the girlfriend murdering material.

[B]

And before you started that joke, as soon as you walked out, I literally had that thought. I look, I was like, this guy looks like he kills his girlfriend.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

Tries to suffocate her by stuffing his testicles down her throat. But it doesn't. It doesn't quite do it. Cause he's only got one ball.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

She's like, I'm sorry. That's terrible, girl.

[A]

Wow. Absolutely incredible. You guys ever do fun things together? You guys vacation or anything? How long you been with her before?

[H]

Years in January.

[A]

Wow. Yeah. What have you guys done?

[H]

Oh, man, we've been. We went to Hawaii twice. We've gone to Thailand.

[A]

Wow. What do you see in Hawaii? Beautiful water balls. Okay, I'm really chasing a dragon here. That doesn't exist.

[D]

You should go to bowling.

[A]

I love it. Were you jealous of all the girls in Thailand for having more balls than you? That's the new sound for when you have a good one. It's called victory. That's what that sound effect's Called. Oh, man, I love it.

[H]

This is gonna go on the Internet.

[A]

Yeah, that's what this is. You're in it, buddy.

[B]

I just can't stop staring at your. Like, the whole.

[D]

No, just trying to figure balls. That's an arri thing. He loves man and their genitals. You grab my thigh every time we're alone in a green room together.

[B]

I.

[A]

Do you have a joke book already?

[H]

Yes.

[A]

What size?

[H]

Big and small.

[A]

Wow. There you go. Just like your. All right, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. Chad Mitchell Rogers, ladies and gentlemen. It's all happening. Yep. Your next comedian is a very special treat. You know her, you love her. An absolute legend of the game. This is the great and powerful Fiona Cauley, ladies and gentlemen. Here she comes.

[J]

So I used to date this guy, and I went over to his house and caught him cheating on me. Yeah, I think the most frustrating part about that was just how lazy it was, you know? Like, go upstairs. Yeah, he wasn't really a thinker, you know? He was the kind of guy that would, like, argue with me about having to wear a condom. I did. I figured out a foolproof way to end that argument. I told him that my disability was contagious, But, you know, that motherfucker was, like, how contagious?

[A]

The great Fiona Colley has done it again, ladies and gentlemen, all the way from Beauty, Beautiful Nashville, Tennessee. Hello, Fiona. Welcome back.

[J]

Hello. Thank you for having me.

[A]

Absolutely. Absolutely. Great. Fantastic. How's life been going?

[J]

Really phenomenal. I actually. I had chosen Fort Worth a couple days ago, and when I got to the hotel, my wheelchair broke, which is a nightmare. And I was stranded and alone, and a random man recognized me from Gildoni.

[A]

Thank God. Yeah, I thought that story was gonna go a whole nother direction. Still go bad. Like, the easiest raping of all time was about to take place there.

[J]

Rape to go.

[A]

Yeah. Hell, yeah. Did he have one testicle by any chance, this guy? So a guy found you and he helped you out?

[J]

He did help me. Everyone talks about, like, the Kill Tony Bump, but they don't talk about the Kill Tony push.

[A]

I love that. I love that. What did he do? Did he jump your battery or something like that? What exactly? Did he plug you into a wall? What exactly. What exactly had to happen there for that to work? What was wrong with your chair?

[J]

I have no fucking idea. These chairs keep breaking every six months. I, like, asked them, the company what the fuck was going on, and they said I was using it too much.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[D]

That's pretty cruel of the Company to be making chairs that are disabled.

[A]

I think they should just making sure

[J]

I feel connected to it. Yeah.

[A]

Wow. Wow. Absolutely incredible. So he gave you a push and you were all good after that?

[J]

Yeah. The chairs started working again.

[F]

Ah.

[J]

Yeah. I think it was also scared of that man. Yeah, it do happen.

[A]

I love it. So, Fiona, that's incredible. What else is going on in life? How's Nashville? Everything good out there?

[J]

Yeah, it's really good. I'm selling out every show I have, which is really fucking cool.

[A]

Beautiful. Beautiful. You're on a roll. Absolutely incredible. There you go.

[D]

I. I met you in Nashville before you did kill Tony for the first time.

[J]

Oh my God. I was black girl.

[D]

You were very drunk. You were really drunk. But it is a testament to how beautiful you are that everyone talked about how much they wanted to have sex with you. And then the cheer. It was really. She's very hot. Was all. People kept saying. I thought you should know that I don't know where your self esteem is at.

[J]

That means a lot.

[D]

You're a beautiful lady.

[A]

Absolutely.

[D]

You're also very drunk. And you kept grabbing me. But it felt bad to press charges against.

[A]

You know Fiona gets fucked up. I know.

[J]

Okay. You would do.

[A]

I know you. I know you're in a relationship. Right. But do you ever. Do. Have you ever done that before? Have you ever just hooked up with a guy and had a one night sit?

[J]

Yeah, I used to be a. Oh, nice.

[A]

Abolutely.

[J]

You can't tell

[A]

since your last appearance. When you brought that up, we couldn't find any of the videos on Reddit. Are you.

[J]

Dude, that has become the. Okay, it's true.

[A]

You're the only one that googles girls videos after their appearance. Parents don't say. We don't say. We couldn't find any of your videos. You creepazoid.

[J]

Jesse. All together in a dark room.

[A]

I love that.

[J]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Come on, Red band. Dig it up. Red band. Come on, Red band. You're supposed to be the tech guy. Come on. Search it. Search it. Red band. I love it. So how's your boyfriend doing? Really good.

[J]

Yeah, we're happy.

[A]

Okay. Very good. And any word on your condition? I think you were trying some new stuff last time.

[J]

Yeah, the. The trial I'm waiting on it got paused because someone had a like bad reaction to it. Fucking pussy.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

What's a bad reaction at this point?

[J]

They were right.

[A]

Ye. Chair deactivated. Chair shut down. Shut down chair. What was the. What happened?

[J]

Oh, they won't tell me. But we're waiting. They said maybe mid November, but I don't believe anything they tell me. Is who right?

[A]

Yeah, that makes sense.

[J]

We're just dying.

[A]

James McCann.

[D]

Look, there's at least a 50% chance this country's still going to be here by mid November. So I'm praying for you, and I hope it gets done.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

When you board a flight, right, do you look at the people who are on a mobility scooter because they couldn't stop eating McDonald's like, you fat tub of.

[A]

Yeah. Is there an order?

[B]

Because I've seen you guys square off.

[J]

They have the upper leg in that situation. No, dude. I was actually on a flight recently, and I bored first because I am special. And these obese people were very mad that I was first.

[A]

Wow.

[J]

And it was, like, a weird dynamic, but they were second.

[A]

Yeah.

[J]

And there's, like, the handicap rose on the front. So I'm on this side, and they're taking up that row on this side.

[F]

Jesus.

[J]

And then, like, I let this guy sit in the window seat.

[A]

The obese guy?

[J]

No, like a normal guy.

[A]

Oh, nice.

[J]

And at the end of boarding the flight, an incredibly sick man, like, with cancer, he was dying. He comes on the plane, and they try to ask the fat people if they would move from the handicapped red band.

[A]

What did you say? Wouldn't that what happened?

[J]

And they said, no, of course. And then they asked me to move.

[D]

What?

[I]

Get the.

[A]

Could they really? Do they have, like, an order to these things?

[J]

Yeah.

[A]

They're like, who's dying the fastest here?

[D]

This is quickly turning into a sad European film. This is. Did they make you move?

[J]

Well, no, I refused to move.

[D]

That's right.

[J]

But I cared about this, like, sick man. So I scooted over, and now I'm in the middle seat. All of a sudden, this guy is so sick, he's throwing up the whole floor.

[I]

What?

[A]

Where does he got to go?

[J]

He has cancer. He had cancer.

[D]

You're telling. Sitting in the disabled section of the plane isn't all fun and games? Because I have been wanting to get down there.

[J]

It depends. Depends on your bird's back, dad. Yeah.

[D]

About 10 boxes of little Debbies away from getting. So I'm.

[J]

You'll get there before me? Yeah.

[B]

Do guys in wheelchairs give you, like, a little.

[J]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah.

[J]

I don't fuck with disabled people.

[B]

And you're like, yes. One of us has to go to the door.

[A]

Like, yeah, this relationship ain't ramping up at all. Incredible. Anything else we should know, Fiona, before we let you go?

[J]

Oh, one goofy thing Fort Worth. I was zooming around outside, and some guy comes up to me and he goes, oh, my God, I love your costume. I was like, what? And he looked me. It was nighttime. And he looked me in my face, and he was like, holy shit, you're Fiona Collie. And I was like, yeah. And he thought I was in a Fiona Colley Halloween costume.

[A]

I think I have my outfit, like, and it spins.

[J]

That's a costume.

[A]

That is absolutely incredible.

[D]

I saw a lady in a Fiona from Shrek costume out on 6th street, and she was slightly fat, but not ogre fat. But I assume she had to have an argument with her friends about whether she was fat enough to be human Fiona or big Shrek Fiona.

[J]

She was in that sweet spot in the pocket. Yeah.

[B]

When I was younger, I actually liked the big, big Fiona more in the movie.

[D]

Reminded you of those beautiful Estonian women that you grew up with.

[B]

Strong shoulders that Fiona had. The other one was a bitch.

[A]

Fiona, we absolutely love you. It's so awesome. Anytime you show up to Austin, Texas, you're on the show. How loud can this place get for the great Fiona Cawley, ladies and gentlemen. All right, we're back to the bucket again, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. He goes by the name of Danny Martinello, everybody. Here we go. Danny Martinello.

[I]

I recently took a first aid course, and I think I'm ready for my hero moment now where, like, if I go out and about and I see someone choking and they're like. And then they drop. I go to them and say, hey, my name's Danny. I know cpr. Can I help you? But they don't give me consent. But no, consent in the CPR world is consent. So I jump into action. Some girls like, yo, that's not it. And I say, keep your trauma to yourself. I'm trying to save a life here. And then I jump in and I go, you call 91 1, you grab an ad. Are you coming back? Do you understand me? Right? And I just have to hope they know. English guy squirms away. Pablo, no English ad, right? And then I just start jumping seed and compression, right?

[A]

Just staying alive, staying alive, right?

[I]

And then I. I don't even care. I'll grow a mustache. I don't need a mouth barrier, right? And then all of a sudden, a guy comes out and goes, yo, dude, his mouth's over there.

[A]

I'm like, you shut the fuck up. Stay with me. Stay with me, right?

[I]

Paramedics show up. And I'm like, oh, thank God, you're here, dude.

[B]

Fuck.

[A]

Holy shit. Oh, yeah.

[I]

No, I think it's a cerebral fluid. Something's coming out of his mouth, man. For sure.

[A]

Yeah.

[I]

No, it's milky. Yeah, that's spine.

[D]

That's fine.

[A]

That's it, dude. Hilarious. Danny Martinello. God damn it. Look at that. Guns a blazing welcome, Danny. Hilarious. How long you been on stand up?

[I]

Like, 15 years.

[A]

I love it. It shows. That seems like a 15. 15 year set.

[I]

Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, dude. I was stressing out that silence for the first 15. Dude, I looked at you and you're like, it's not going good,

[A]

right?

[I]

But I just stayed in the pocket, you know? I'm like, fuck it.

[A]

Boom. Oh. Threw a bomb.

[I]

And then luckily, some defender tipped it and my buddy caught it. So I'm like, sick.

[A]

Yes. Look at this little bundle of energy and testosterone. We got it. Martinello has arrived.

[I]

Yeah, it's fun. I like Austin. People have been thinking I'm on drugs, though, this whole time I've been here.

[A]

You're not.

[I]

No, dude. Unless you call Christ a drug. Am I right, brother?

[D]

Am I right?

[A]

You know what I'm saying, bro? Keep those children in the bellies.

[I]

Sometimes it hits, sometimes it doesn't.

[A]

You really high on Christ. I don't know, man.

[I]

It feels like I'm playing with the devil right now after that joke.

[A]

You are.

[I]

No, it's fun, man. I don't know.

[A]

I get it.

[I]

I don't really like blinking shit, but, like, whatever.

[A]

I like you because you are an easy interview. Danny. I like this. I feel like I could just go. What else?

[I]

Well, let me tell you about yesterday, my friend.

[B]

I actually used to do gigs in Canada with Danny. He used to be such a killer. Imagine this energy following that.

[H]

Yeah, but I was.

[I]

I was like, super. So all my buddies would say I was like Cyclops without the glasses, just. But now I can shoot dinner plates, right?

[A]

Wow.

[D]

If they ever make another one of those Police Academy movies, you're going to be ready.

[I]

Yeah, thanks. I don't know what you just said, but yeah.

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

It felt right, though, eh?

[D]

Movies? Hell, yeah. Oh, yeah, man.

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

Canada's a perk. There's nothing wrong with Canada. Oh, we all want to move to Canada.

[A]

No, bro.

[I]

We're Commonwealth, Brown. We're Commonwealth.

[D]

Let's say the King.

[B]

I'm here, too.

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Bunch of fucking wacky white guys up here. That's what's going on. A Canadian, an Australian, and an Estonian walk into A comedy club, this is.

[D]

No one in this business has done more for immigrants and the disabled than Tony Inchcliffe.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

I feel that is being missed from all of these stories.

[E]

Whoo.

[A]

Can you please tweet that? Oh, my goodness. Hell yeah. So tell us more about you from Canada? Toronto?

[I]

No, I'm from Edmonton, Alberta.

[A]

Okay, thanks.

[I]

What's up, dude? That's why I feel like a home. I've been living in, like, New York for the last eight months, and it's just brutal, dude.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[I]

Well, it's just, like, nice to, like, be in a place where you smile at someone and they don't go, what the you want? It's up, man. When I first moved to New York, I literally was smiling because, like, I'm a happy go lucky guy. You can't tell, right? Like, no, I am, dude. I got two.

[A]

Are you all right? My name's Danny. I know cpr. Can I help you?

[I]

No, but. But I've been in New York, dude, and, like, I'm a happy go lucky guy, right? I live my life where I got two feet in a heartbeat. And if the sun's shining on me, my smile's shining on you. You know? Like, that's. That's.

[A]

That's. That's.

[I]

That's just how I live my life. And I was smiling. Cause it was a beautiful day. I don't know what fucking Fahrenheit it was, right? But like, you know what I mean? So I'm with the rest of the world, for fuck sakes.

[A]

And then.

[I]

And it was nice. Probably like, let's say like 82 Fahrenheit. And, right? And I'm literally smiling. And I heard this guy go, hey, you're smiling. That's what he said. And immediately I was like, friend, you know? Like, I looked at him, right? I did. I know he's a stranger, but a stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet, right?

[B]

So.

[A]

And then he literally goes, hide your fucking teeth. No one needs to see that shit.

[I]

No one's ever told me to hide my teeth unless it was like, my mom and it, like, fell out and she's like, you're getting a five buck for it. You know, Like. But I was pissed, though, dude. Cause like, I wanted to be like, fuck you. You know, right? Like, show your teeth. I got all mine. What are you working with, bud? Right? But, like. But then I'm like, I'm a raw dog and no insurance in America. So I just took it. Just took it.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

This is what this show is all about. James McCann.

[D]

That was a better minute than sucking off the unconscious guy. That was great.

[E]

James.

[A]

I'm nervous.

[I]

All right. No, I was joking with those guys back there. I'm like, this is the closest thing I'll get to, like, the Gladiator, like, arena.

[A]

This is it.

[I]

It is, man. You're back there, you hear?

[A]

And like, people are like, I'm dying tonight. Yeah, but there's people just being pulled out in wheelchairs.

[D]

Are you not entertained?

[A]

She was walking when she went out there. She was totally fine before. Be careful.

[I]

Oh, I thought her and her manager were gonna run me over like a crackhead on six, dude. It was crazy. He's like, get the out of the way.

[A]

I'm like, I'm sorry. Absolutely incredible. So you do stand up comedy for a living?

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

And what else about you?

[I]

My father wanted me to join construction. You know, I'm an Italian background, so. No, what is this question? Sorry, bro.

[A]

Yeah, you're good. Thanks, man.

[I]

I appreciate it.

[A]

Don't stop.

[I]

No. Yeah, I've been in New York for like eight months, and then it's brutal. Like, just signing up, standing in lineups with backpacks, wanting to do, you know.

[A]

You still live in New York?

[I]

Yeah, I'm there eight months. But then I came back here and I don't know, man, like, the one thing that made me come here was I saw Madison Square Garden and then Ron White's speech at the end or of his set, and I was like, I don't know. I think what's going on right now is super special.

[A]

Well, look, what, Leah, can I tell you something? You're in the storm right now. You are perfect example of what this show is built for. Someone that can just take the ball and run with. Cracks me up. You know, I see sometimes I see some comedians that we've known for a long time, you know, some of these people that maybe don't align in a lot of ways with us. And every once in a while, you know, when someone's down or you know, going through something, they get a little chimy on that Internet. And it's so funny to see them talk about this show. But meanwhile, someone like you, with 15 years of experience can come on here. Your life will never be the same after this. Are you aware of that, Daniel?

[I]

I'm hoping it's not, dude.

[B]

I'm.

[I]

I'm serious. I'm hoping it's not, man. It's like. It's like a grind as a Canadian comic. And then Getting here and then like, don't get me wrong, like I still think New York, like as a kid growing up in Canada, wanting to do stand up, like that's where you know the hardest iron gets cut. But I'm trying to, I'm trying to fucking ride a wave and slap a little.

[B]

But it's so clear that all that pent up energy in New York is just coming out now.

[I]

Yeah. You know, you see a lot of people in New York and they're like,

[A]

oh yeah,

[I]

Like just come and go, you know, like take the rope away. But I don't know, man, I'm just, I just, I just think what's going on here is fucking deadly. And seeing what you're doing and I just want to be part of it. So that's why I'm here.

[A]

You are, you're officially part of it. Danny Martinello. Are you going to be in town Thursday?

[I]

I gotta go back to New York and chop some podcasts and shit. But I'll come back on the weekend. I don't give a.

[A]

Let me know next time, man. I'd love to have you back on the Secret show. Thanks.

[B]

Hell yes.

[A]

Whoa, what are the odds of this? Look at this, ladies and gentlemen. It has come full circle. Make some fucking noise for the great Ron.

[C]

Right?

[A]

Did you hear what this kid said about your speech in Madison Square Garden? I was up there and heard it. I came down here. Well, I walk out, give him a hug. Give him a. I love it, I love it.

[D]

Danny. Danny.

[A]

Danny, come back out here. Danny Martinello, how long have you lived in New York? Get back to that mic.

[I]

February, Just since February.

[A]

February. And before that you were in Edmonton?

[I]

No, I lived in Toronto for like eight years. And then I applied for my visa,

[A]

made the big move.

[I]

Yeah, and then I just said it and then went up to the oil patch for like six, seven months to work there and stack cash.

[A]

What you said is that New York is always the place that you looked at, like the place to do stand up comedy. Am I correct?

[I]

Yeah, but like from like a level where it was like, like, you know, you're like, you want to be the past at the seller. You want to be past all that. And then you see from like a kid growing up in Canada, you're like, oh, this is, is the, the epicenter of like some of the best of the best. But what's happening here is like, it's true. Like, like I, I thought this while I was here walking and like, I don't know, cuz it maybe it feels like my. What you laughing at?

[A]

I'm just being vulnerable as an artist.

[I]

You guys want to make fun of me, huh?

[A]

Can't all be dick jokes, Danny. I'm going to get to my point real quick before you ruin everything. Before you absolutely ruin.

[I]

Everything's better than New York in the sense where you can pop off more here and there's a lot of good.

[A]

You don't have to say that. What I'm going to offer is this. Is that if by some crazy chance, who knows what could happen in this world as we know, but if by some crazy chance this show happens to do Madison Square Garden again, would you like to do a set there?

[E]

Fuck, yeah.

[A]

Maybe.

[K]

Let's ride.

[A]

So there you go. Danny Martinello. How loud can this place get for the great and powerful Ron fucking White? It's come full circle. Ron White spoke at Madison Square Garden, inspired him to come to Austin. He comes to Austin, says it. Ron White comes out, and he'll be at Madison Square Garden. That is if I'm allowed in New York City again. Only time will tell. Who knows? You guys having fun out there? Okay, let's do something fun. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the greatest regulars in the entire show's history is here. This is that moment. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the undeniable comedy stylings. A brand new minute. This is Cam Patterson.

[D]

So

[E]

my cousin just got out of prison recently, and some niggas should be in prison, not all. A lot of people very smart. My cousin is not one of those people. He should stay in prison. My cousin, he kind of raised me a little bit as a child, right? And now that people know who I am, he want to tell all my new friends about how we grew up together, right? But he don't tell none of the cool stories. Like, we used to rob people together. We had jump people together. But he got around my new friends. Remember that one time we was at your mama house, we were humping them pillows. You can't be telling niggas shit like that, man. That's between us. We was doing. Listen, first of all, it was Usher in the background. That's gay as hell, right?

[A]

What made it weird?

[E]

My homegirl was like, y' all gay for doing that together. Like, no understand something. They were girl pillows, so it's not gay. They had, like, tassels and shit on them, so it's fine, right? And it was weird. Cause, like, this is the weirdest. The weirdest thing about the whole situation is that he don't understand, like, that's not cool. You understand what I'm saying? Like, I remember, and this is why I say you should stay in prison. That's why. Say you used to stay there. He wanted to talk to my homegirl, right? He was like, your homegirl look good. Put me out with your homegirl. So I was like, yeah, move up, I will. So I told him she could talk to her, and they were talking to shit. And then she was like, hey, your cousin keep choking me. And I was like, why are you choking this girl? He was like, I'm not choking a nigga. I'm massaging her throat. And I'm like, they gonna put you back in prison. I want you to know that. And you should be there. That joke didn't work at the end, but that's fine. The rest of that shit did. Fuck out of here.

[A]

Absolutely. It's part of the game. You got to do it every week. This is not easy. That was fantastic. Is that true?

[E]

Yeah, he's out of prison.

[A]

How many cousins do you have in and out of prison?

[E]

He the only one. I was in prison.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

He went in for like a robbery. He good now?

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

Yeah, he a good guy, man. He should be free. I believe in him, okay? I was playing. I believe in that nigga. He doing good, man.

[A]

I'm proud of him, okay?

[K]

Hell yeah.

[A]

Is he staying with you?

[E]

No, no, no. He live in Atlanta.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

He just came to my show in Atlanta and shit. It's funny. He not my real cousin, right?

[A]

Are they ever your real cousin?

[E]

Wait, you gotta wait, listen.

[A]

Is they ever really. This is my uncle's child.

[E]

I mean, yeah, I got real cousin that I love and shit one day I used to go to my house a lot when I was a kid, right? And she had like a room for me where I could stay at. One day I got in my room, it was a light skinned nigga in my room. I'm like, who the fuck is this light skinned nigga? And she was like, that's your cousin? That's not my fucking cousin. Who is this nigga, right? And it was her boyfriend's son. And I'm colorist.

[A]

What does that mean?

[E]

I think all light skinned niggas is bitches, right? So.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

Yeah, right? You know what I'm saying? All light skinned.

[F]

Yeah.

[E]

Well, wait, what do you mean by that? What do you mean when you that mean? I think all light skinned niggas is bitches, right? And so I told him, I said, hey, man, you a bitch. When I met him Right? And he was like, I'm not a bitch. Nigga, you a bitch. Right? He was like, you call me a bitch again, I'm gonna show you a bitch. And I called him a bitch. And then he stomped me out for, like, three minutes, right? And he was like, am I still a bitch? And I was like, no, nigga. We family. Leave me alone.

[A]

Right?

[E]

We cousins. Why would you do this to me? I love you. And we've been cool ever since. And then we hump pillows together. That's what we did. Cause that's what cousins do. And that's the whole joke. But it was too long for the minute. Fuck y' all online. Okay, Bet.

[A]

Boom. I love it. Cam Patterson. What else is going on?

[E]

Oh, nothing really, man. Just running around and shit, doing shows, stuff like that. My grandma called today.

[A]

Oh, boy. Oh, I know. I could tell by the way you're looking. What does that mean?

[E]

Nah, she love you.

[D]

Still.

[A]

Yeah. Still love you. She loves you. She loves you. I don't want to get in the Tucker Carlson corner with you.

[E]

No, no, no. She love you.

[A]

She love you. Okay. She love you. She love you.

[E]

It's all good.

[A]

She was just asking some questions.

[E]

She asked some questions. She asked a question.

[A]

Yeah, I'm getting that. I'm getting that.

[E]

And I said. I said, my grandma's cool. Like, she. He love everybody. She like. I heard what you're saying. My grandma say, too. And she love you. She love you. Lock there forever. You know what it is?

[A]

I get it.

[E]

I kill somebody about you. I swear to God. You know that.

[A]

I don't think you say that out loud, but

[E]

you know I'm playing. This is obviously a joke.

[A]

Yeah, maybe an armed robbery, but not a murder.

[E]

Nah, nigga. Murder. You're killing somebody.

[D]

Death.

[E]

You gonna be with me, right, Aura? Hell, yeah.

[A]

Name's coming. Nah.

[B]

Okay. Hey, Tony. We gonna kill somebody for you.

[E]

For you, nigga. I swear to God. Me and Ahrii. Yeah, together.

[D]

Tony. Hinchcliffe Gang threatens murder. I'm saying it now.

[A]

It's true. This is the closest thing to a Nazi rally I've been to in a long time. Hey, hey, it's all good.

[E]

Jesus is here. We fine now. It's okay.

[B]

Jesus is here.

[A]

Jesus here, nigga, we good. Jesus Christ. What the fuck? Is that, Brown? Jesus. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Has he been there the whole time?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Now he just wrong. What does that say about me? If I feel like I've looked everybody in the audience in the eyes at some point, all of a sudden There it took someone pointing out Jesus.

[D]

Sometimes, Tony, that's what it takes. You know? He's always there waiting for you to turn to him. And you just need a friend by your side to let you know.

[E]

Hey, he here, baby. He made it.

[A]

I found Jesus.

[E]

This is good, man.

[D]

You're doing the Russell Brand. That's how you get out of the scandal.

[A]

Who?

[E]

Russell Brand. Who that is?

[A]

What ethnicity is that? Jesus? Ask him for me.

[E]

Hey, what's. Who is, nigga?

[A]

What is your race? That's not real Mexican. Say Mexican.

[E]

Yeah, you say Mexican.

[A]

Man, he must have accidentally nailed the nail through his own hand at some point. Whoa, a Mexican show.

[D]

Tony, if you keep doing jokes like that, you're gonna get in trouble.

[A]

You gotta be careful. Oh, my goodness gracious. I love it.

[E]

No, this is good, man.

[B]

I'm having a good time.

[A]

We are having a good old time. I like it, Ari. Maddie, what do you think about your little.

[B]

I love Cam?

[A]

Yes.

[E]

Come on, man. Why can't I go to Estonia?

[B]

No, you can. I never.

[A]

Oh, you heard about that?

[E]

Yeah, I heard. I want to hear that. I can't go. They don't like black people.

[B]

All the women that. Now I can't.

[I]

Come on.

[E]

So we can do it together, nigga. You ever heard of a train? You ever heard of a train?

[B]

The train to where?

[D]

Never heard.

[E]

Same place we started, brother.

[A]

Look, it's.

[E]

It's. You know how it's a girl. Me and you, we got high five and like that.

[B]

Come on. I can't follow you, though. What if you give her, like, really good dick and then I'm like. For the conversation?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Hey, how about you? I make breakfast.

[E]

Dang. Shit.

[A]

Come on. Come on.

[B]

Overall back and shop in this bitch.

[A]

Who want to with us, man?

[D]

We outside.

[E]

Who want to?

[B]

Us.

[A]

Who in the. I drop dick off, he make eggs. Stop playing crazy.

[B]

I'll make you go to Ramsey.

[A]

Toast, eggs, salt, tool, avocado. Come on.

[D]

Wheat bread.

[E]

And I'm just dropping dick on.

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[E]

Going home.

[A]

Amtrak in the front, Coltrane in the back. Jesus.

[E]

Oh, man.

[B]

Don't take that Lord's name in vain.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. I think after this. Ari, Maddie might be one of your new cousins.

[E]

He's my cousin. We locked in.

[A]

Absolutely. We.

[E]

Cousin James. My cousin.

[A]

Come on now.

[D]

I love you, Ken.

[E]

I love you too, man. We family.

[D]

I believe so.

[E]

Locked in forever. We locked in for life now.

[B]

Hell yeah.

[E]

Come on. For life.

[A]

Watching James interact with very black people is absolutely. I. I do believe, Sarah. I do believe so. I Am in agreeance with you. All right.

[D]

The black community have no greater friend than I. I'm a great big fan.

[E]

Come on, gang. Shit. We outside.

[A]

Come on, come on, come on.

[E]

Ah, this is good.

[A]

Absolutely incredible, ladies and gentlemen. That is the presence of Cam Patterson. Woo. Fuck yes. We're in it tonight, ladies and gentlemen. This is a special one. All right. We got another bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Everybody's going pee at once. Look at this. This is absolutely, absolutely incredible. Wow. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. This is Benjamin Dalki. Benjamin Dalki is next.

[K]

I went to Japan and I went to the world's largest anime store. Now, I don't like anime, but the top five floors were all gay porn, so we're good. Everybody knows Tinder is a selector for people with problems. You'll scroll and you'll see all kinds of crazy stuff. Teen moms, girls with crazy face tattoos. Other times it's goth girls looking for men who will retrieve roadkill. Like, bitch, I'm not giving you my roadkill. I have a cat that vomits for attention, so obviously it's a girl. I went to the Museum of African American history in D.C. when I got there, found out you needed to register ahead of time, so obviously no black people in there. That's all my jacks.

[A]

Benjamin Dahlke. Welcome, welcome. How are ya?

[K]

Good, how are you?

[A]

You look fantastic. This is amazing. I can't believe we have Kamala Harris's stepdaughter here on the show. This is incredible. What do you weigh? You seem so light.

[K]

Like £120.

[A]

All right. I thought I was guessing less than that. Your wrist stays the same size the entire way up your arm. Never seen anything quite like it. Have you ever done anything?

[K]

No, not with my arms.

[A]

Right.

[K]

I made pasta today that.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. In a pot. You had a pot of boiling water?

[K]

Yeah, like in my hands by itself.

[A]

Wow. How much water did you boil? Was it like a. Like a little pot or was it like a big pot?

[K]

It was a little pot, if I'm being honest.

[A]

There you go. That's the actual sound of you carrying a little pot of water. Over to the. Over to the. There it is. Okay. So how long you been doing standup?

[K]

About a year.

[A]

About a year. What do you do for a living?

[K]

Nothing right now. I was working at a grocery store for a while.

[A]

Okay. What were you doing at the grocery store?

[K]

I was a cashier.

[A]

That makes sense.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Hard to stock with arms like that. Hard to stock cereal boxes only for this kid. Okay. Okay, so you're. You were a cashier. What do you do now?

[K]

Right now I'm looking for a job.

[A]

What happened at the grocery store?

[K]

Nothing. I just moved here, so I had to leave the job.

[A]

Where'd you move from?

[K]

Virginia.

[A]

Okay, and now you're in Austin, Texas?

[E]

Yep.

[A]

How much money did you save up to move here?

[K]

A lot. Like 20 grand.

[A]

20 grand?

[B]

Damn.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

Shit.

[B]

Working cashier.

[K]

Well, it was not just from cashier.

[D]

I'm also a drug dealer.

[B]

A drug dealer? It's drugs. It's drugs.

[D]

Posing as a child prostitute. What's your opinion?

[K]

Sometimes they like to dress me up like a lady.

[A]

I don't know.

[E]

Wow.

[A]

Okay. So what else were you doing to help make that money for a.

[K]

Well, for a while I was working as like, a car mechanic. But also I inherited some money.

[B]

Yeah, I could tell.

[A]

Oh, there it is.

[K]

Sorry. I wanted to lie to you guys, but, you know, he forced it out of me.

[A]

Easy to do, easy to bully.

[D]

James, I was just going to say, Kamisa, I'm sorry that you lost someone. I wasn't funny and I stopped myself saying it. But, you know, we'll pray for them. And I'm sure even though the money has helped you do this thing, that's a difficult time.

[K]

Yeah, no, it's fine.

[D]

Don't take the Lord's name in vain anymore.

[K]

It happened a while ago. It wasn't recent.

[A]

Okay. All right. So, Benjamin, what's your life like? What do you like to do for fun? Tell us more about you.

[K]

I'm a big car guy.

[A]

You're a little car guy?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What kind of cars? What kind of. My goodness. Even random women are bullying you right

[B]

now in the audience.

[A]

It's incredible. What kind of patonka. Wow, the audience. We've never had this before. The audience is literally taking part.

[E]

Wheels.

[A]

Hot wheels. He's a hot wheels mechanic. Wow. What kind of cars do you specialize in?

[K]

I know a lot about Japanese, old Japanese and European cars.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

What, the compact Japanese?

[K]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A car that makes me feel too small. It's not good.

[A]

Makes sense. You specialize in Japanese cars. Your arms look like chopsticks. So what's your love life like? I gotta know.

[K]

Non existent.

[A]

Really?

[K]

Yeah.

[A]

Tell us more about that. When's the last time you were with a woman or a boy or whatever you're in. Into stuffed animal? A furry. Whatever you're into.

[K]

I've never. I've never been, like, with a woman.

[A]

Really?

[K]

Yeah.

[A]

Interesting.

[D]

That's beautiful. James McCann, he's keeping himself chasing.

[B]

Jesus approves. Jesus approves.

[A]

Mexican Jesus. I thought you were a Mexican Jesus.

[B]

Mexican Jesus approves.

[D]

Don't you let these degenerates tear you down into a life of meaningless casual sex. That's exact right. Don't you do it.

[A]

Amazing. Have you ever been on a date before?

[K]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, where did you meet this person? Where did you go? What did. How did that go down?

[K]

I met him on Tinder. It was.

[A]

It was a guy.

[K]

No, no. You met him on I met the

[D]

world's first virgin homosexual. If you can't get a route as a gay guy, I'm sorry. You're not trying very hard.

[B]

Very true.

[K]

No, not gay. It was a girl.

[A]

It was a girl. Yeah. So you met her on Tinder. Very good. So you met her on Tinder. Where'd you go?

[K]

We just, like, hung out in a park and smoked weed. It was pretty terrible.

[A]

Okay. Did you strike up a conversation with her at all?

[D]

Yeah.

[K]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

How'd that go down? Was it good?

[K]

It went all right. And then I brought up the show, and she was just.

[A]

You brought up this show? Oh, yeah. You were just like. What did you say exactly?

[K]

I was just like. We were just talking about stuff, and she brought up. What's Duncan Trussell show on Netflix? She brought up that show, and then I brought up that I liked the show.

[A]

That you liked this show, and then that was the end of the date?

[K]

Yes.

[A]

She knew about this show?

[K]

Yes, unfortunately.

[A]

God damn it. I wanted to fuck you before you said that. You ruined our relationship. Did she say something about this show before exiting?

[K]

Not really. Other than just like, oh,

[D]

It's the worst O face you can get out of a woman on a. On a first date, I do believe.

[A]

Wow. So you.

[D]

Oh, it's an orgasm, Mari.

[A]

So you've been a fan of the show for a little bit. Is that the. Was the mainframe of the conversation?

[K]

That was a big part of it. I don't remember. This was like a year ago. It does not happen often.

[A]

Right? Yeah, but do you try to go on Tinder? Do you try to go on dates?

[K]

Yeah, I'm not good at it, though. Like, I don't get a lot of dates off Tinder.

[I]

Really?

[A]

Why do you think that is? What does your bio say?

[K]

I don't remember what it says, but I think it's cause I look like a girl, mostly.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

You gotta pursue different women. I dated lesbians exclusively for many years. I've never dated a woman who wore makeup or perfume. You Find out if their parents aren't together and that's a better shot. And you're gonna spend a lot of time in bookstores, but hang tight.

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

Anything else crazy we should know about your life, Benjamin?

[K]

Not really. My grandpa worked at Area 51.

[B]

Tell me, is it real?

[K]

I don't actually know.

[B]

But like, what did you do?

[K]

He was a experimental test pilot.

[A]

For what?

[K]

The. So for the F117, which is a stealth jet. And then the tacit blue, which was like the. The UFO from the 80s.

[D]

I gotta say, with the big. With the glasses, you do look a little bit like one of the Roswell aliens. A little bit cute one. Take it back.

[A]

This ET Phone. Homo. Ouch. Say ouch. That's a first.

[D]

It was helping me.

[B]

Yeah, the audience can tell, but from the side I saw the thickness of your glasses. You're blind as.

[K]

Huh?

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

It's.

[K]

It's bad. I can't see.

[B]

Like, if you lose him, what happens?

[A]

Hold on, let's. I don't know. Can you. Can you look out there and. Can you look out there and take your glasses is off slowly. Oh, there it goes.

[D]

Now shake your hair like a pretty librarian.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Oh, he's gorgeous. Heath. Young Heath Ledgers turned up to the show.

[B]

It is better a little like this.

[E]

Do.

[B]

Do Americans have contact lens?

[K]

I used to wear them.

[A]

Is that contact lens?

[B]

It's like.

[A]

Yeah, but when it's that. That thick, you can't do it. It's too much like. Have you looked into perhaps getting contact?

[K]

I had them for a while, but they make my eyes super tired by the end of the day.

[D]

Have you thought about two big monocles? I think that could.

[A]

Benjamin Dahlke. Congratulations. You were on this show. Here's a little joke book. There he goes. Benjamin Dahlke, everybody. All right, let's get through another one here. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. Ladies and gentlemen, it is Mark Sinclair is next on call. Tony. Mark Sinclair,

[M]

My grandpa was recently diagnosed with late stage dementia. I'm just glad one of us could forget the molestation. You guys, I'm joking. I'm like 60% sure. I've never been molested. But I opened with that show once. I opened with that joke once, and someone came up to me after the show and they were like, hey, man, I really like that first joke. It's super relatable.

[E]

Yuck.

[M]

I don't want to hear about your hoe phase. I should have been surprised. My little brother's always been chatty. That's my Time. Thank you.

[A]

Very funny. Mark Sinclair. Welcome. Welcome.

[M]

Thank you for having me.

[A]

How long you been doing standup?

[M]

Two and a half years.

[A]

Where at?

[M]

Seattle and San Diego.

[A]

You still live in San Diego?

[M]

Just moved. I'm about to move to Dublin right after this.

[A]

You're gonna move to Dublin? I'm gonna hand it off to my senior European correspondents.

[B]

Dublin? Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Why do Dublin?

[M]

I'm a citizen.

[A]

Oh.

[M]

I'm first generation American.

[B]

Oh, don't do that.

[D]

Don't you tell my Irish brethren how to celebrate his heritage. You fucking Eastern European dog. You got the greatest blood in the world throwing veins. I've had a couple of drinks. Excuse me.

[B]

Looking at you, I don't think it's the greatest blood.

[D]

We don't look great, but we have good songs and we get into fist fights and oh yeah, we let Google do whatever they want.

[M]

Violent people.

[A]

We're violent people. This is a shockingly Irish episode here. We have two Irishmen on this stage. We had a shift leader of the Shamrock Shake on earlier. This is absolutely incredible. Have you had a Shamrock Shake before?

[M]

I have not. I don't know what that is.

[A]

It is a seasonal beverage that is served at McDonald's. It is green, tastes around St. Patrick's Day, has a slight mint flavor to it. There's some fat bitches out there.

[D]

Do you know. Do you know there was. Do you know. Grimace. Do you know there was an Irish Grimace for one year?

[A]

No.

[D]

They brought him out on an event and he got drunk and started talking about how great the IRA was and they. They buried it and never did it again.

[A]

Yeah, that really happened.

[D]

Yeah, I think so. I saw it on Google, so it's probably true. Well, you can't. You can't trust everything you read on the Internet about people who incite race hatred. That's what I believe.

[A]

Is that the truth? No better time for that to be said and known than now. Okay, so, Mark, let's talk about it. What do you do for a living?

[M]

I'm a software engineer. At a bank.

[A]

At a bank?

[M]

At a bank.

[A]

Very good. And what types of things do you do for fun? You seem like a very serious man.

[M]

Thank you.

[A]

You're welcome.

[M]

I like to go hiking and I like to binge drink.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Irish.

[H]

Irish.

[A]

What are your drinks of choice?

[M]

Irish car bombs are very fun.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

You're a fucking man, Archa. Is that a good Irish. I like to fucking kiss ya.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

Toot ya.

[D]

Yeah, it's a little too good.

[A]

Mark. What is something that we would be Surprised to know about you.

[M]

I was put on the Canadian terrorist watch list when I was nine years old.

[A]

Fuck yes. What exactly do you have to do to end up on a terrorist watch list? I'm about two weeks away from finding out myself. My own people cackling. My own people. How did you end up on a terrorist watch list? What did you do in Canada? Did you do something and not apologize? Apologize? He's a terrorist. Okay, go ahead.

[M]

I went there and I think my name was already on the list, so they just decided to tag me along.

[A]

It was just a different Mark Sinclair.

[M]

Yeah. Vin Diesel's real name is Mark Sinclair, so it might have been him.

[A]

Oh, my God. Are you family?

[F]

Wow.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. I don't even get the reference, but it was very good. Wow. Mark Sinclair. So what are some of your goals? What are you looking forward to in life? Anything that you got. You got a bucket list.

[M]

I just want to travel around and have the most exciting life possible. Nothing really that inspirational.

[A]

I love it. I love it. Well, Mark, you did fucking fantastic here today. Welcome to I Love the first A Big Joke book. And there he goes, the great Mark Sinclair. Claire, everybody. One more time for Mark. And on to the next one we go. Is that. Is that bucket pool here? Is that here? Oh. Oh. What the Is this? Oh, no. Oh, no. What is going on? Oh, God. Oh, God, save us all. Oh, my God. It's Kim Condon, resident Puerto Rican roast comedian. Oh, no. Oh, God. Make some fucking noise. For the first ever kill Tony regular Kim Congdon.

[C]

Thank you very much. How we doing, Austin? Hell yeah. My name's Kim Congdon and I'm one of the first Kiltoni regulars. And I am a Puerto Rican comedian. These are my white slaves, and I really wanted to take this opportunity tonight to do something that every Puerto Rican wants to do right now.

[A]

Oh. Oh, oh. Oh,

[C]

no, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. But I did watch the. I watched the Trump rally, dude. I watched Tony's speech. I was a little bit upset. You know, I gotta tell you, half my blood is Puerto Rican. It's true. Unlike Tony's blood, half of his is hiv. As you see. As you see the back, my white slaves are holding some Puerto Rican flags. Those are Puerto Rican flags, people. They look different. They do. They have one star. Just like Tony's first Netflix special. Tony, you called Puerto Rico an island full of piles of hot trash, which is very close to what you like. Islands full of piles of hot boys. You it. And I'm here to Stand up for my people tonight because I'm going to say Puerto Ricans are American as fuck. We're just like y'.

[I]

All.

[C]

We have a lot of contra American contributions and traits. We love our culture, we love our music. We work in aerospace. We don't want white people on our island. We're racist like you guys. And this is the last thing I'll say. Tony, I think it's fucking insane that you don't like Puerto Rico. It's a beautiful place and the only dirty parts have been taken over by white billionaires. It's literally Austin, you idiot. Thank you guys so much. I'm Kim Congdon.

[A]

Kim Congdon, ladies and gentlemen. Paper towels. She's throwing paper towels into the crowd. Oh, my goodness. She's got a fun life. Oh. Oh, my God. Whoa.

[D]

Kim Condon,

[A]

you want to join the panel? Kim's gonna join the panel for the rest of the show. One more time for Kim Congdon. This is a special episode.

[C]

Viva Puerto Rico.

[A]

I completely agree. I couldn't agree more. Great people. We love them. Thank you, Tony. You're Welcome. You're welcome, Mr. President. Y' all having fun out there? How about one more time for Kim Congdon joining the panel? It's going down. Another bucket pull coming at you. Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe this is the kill Tony debut of Matthew lacour, everybody. Matthew lacour.

[L]

How we doing, bubbas? Fucking. Do we have any mixed people, Any mud bloods in the audience? I grew up white and black, right? But I grew up the black side. I would be self conscious, dude. I'd be at the cookout. It's Where's Waldo on the easiest level. You know what I mean, bro? But my grandma, she was amazing. She'd be like, no matter what anybody tells you, you are black. Which is a lot for an eight year old when I don't know that Pokemon aren't real. That's all right. I got the 23andMe, 25% Nigerian. So now I can use the N word. I just gotta break it down in, like, syllables. I'll be out the cookout. Like, I can't believe that. Nah. Acting like a G. What an er. Thank you. I'll leave you with this. I was in the military. I learned three. Three essential things, right? One, never judge a book by its cover. Two, 1% every day. And three, LSD don't pop on a drug test.

[A]

Thank you. What was the last thing?

[L]

LSD doesn't pop on a drug test.

[A]

Gotcha.

[L]

Yeah, but, like, even when you're on it.

[E]

Gotcha.

[A]

LaCour.

[L]

Yes, sir.

[A]

Matthew LaCour, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the show. Matthew, how long have you. How long have you been doing stand up?

[L]

About three years, I'd say.

[A]

Where at?

[L]

So I was in Illinois. I was near the U of I, where I would do a mic like once a month. Yes.

[B]

Yeah.

[L]

And then I moved closer to like the Romeo Van Naperville area.

[A]

Okay.

[L]

Suburbs.

[A]

Seen the Bean?

[C]

He hasn't seen many. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

[L]

You're right.

[C]

You said you were half black.

[L]

I am.

[C]

That makes sense. Quarter like you and Harlem. Shake a baby, baby.

[L]

That's so black.

[A]

What's the other half like?

[L]

Portuguese, Just white, Irish, French.

[A]

Okay.

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

All right. Way to get the panel on your side.

[L]

Hey, you know what? That's.

[A]

I love it. I love it. What do you do for work, Matthew?

[L]

Work at a YMCA after school program.

[A]

A YMCA after school?

[L]

Yeah. I love to bully these kids.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

I go to YMCA to work out.

[A]

You do?

[B]

Yeah, down lake. Ymca. It's great.

[D]

Work out which gay guy is going to have sex with him. All right, fellas, come on now, hurry.

[A]

Straight YMCA is from one of my favorite bands, the Village People. It's a song. What do you do for fun, Matthew?

[L]

A lot of jiu Jitsu? I actually train with quite a few of your security guards. They me up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I saw your cauliflower years.

[L]

Yeah, just a little bit.

[A]

When you say you're talking about the mothership security.

[L]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And how long have you been doing

[L]

that for combat sports? About eight years.

[A]

Okay. What level belt are you?

[L]

Purple.

[A]

Purple. That's pretty good, right?

[L]

Yeah, I.

[B]

Supposedly, if you do mma, you're the only guy allowed to have that haircut.

[A]

Just like that's.

[L]

I want to come up with something for your shitty hair, but I can't.

[B]

I think it's. What do you think?

[L]

Too far. Oh, sorry. I'm sorry. I had nothing.

[B]

I think. I think it's good. I tried some new gel today.

[A]

Okay.

[L]

Should have seen it. This was braided a day ago.

[A]

It was what?

[L]

It was braided a day ago.

[A]

It was braided a day.

[F]

Wow.

[A]

Okay. You seem like a real womanizer. What's your love life like?

[L]

Dating somebody, actually.

[A]

Really?

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

Where'd you meet her at? Here.

[K]

Here.

[L]

On Bumble.

[A]

Here.

[K]

Here?

[L]

Yeah. On Bumble. Yeah, On Austin.

[A]

Bubble. Gotcha. All right. On Bumble. So is that the one where.

[L]

That's the one where they have to make the move.

[A]

Okay. And so what happened? She made the move.

[L]

And then she made the move. We met at the coffee shop.

[A]

What'd you say to her? So, like, so want to get the out of here when?

[L]

You don't have to say more.

[D]

Yes, you do.

[A]

Yes, you do.

[D]

Yes, he does.

[L]

Oh, no, I don't mind my shit.

[D]

If that's all you get out of a lady before taking her to bed. That's a crime.

[L]

No, that's how she got me.

[B]

I think that's a crime.

[L]

I tried to kiss her. She curbed me.

[C]

You look like a. Like, you look like a mean guy, but kind of. You look like if you raped a girl, you'd eat her out first.

[L]

Oh, always. Is that not how you're supposed to do it?

[A]

Incredible.

[D]

It wasn't rape. I saved it with 45 minutes of solid clit work.

[L]

That's when they have to thank you.

[I]

Right?

[L]

That's. That's how you get away with it.

[A]

Do you have any.

[D]

I'm sorry.

[A]

It's a joke.

[L]

What the.

[A]

Matthew, over here. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom? Is there any. Do you have any tricks you use your.

[I]

Do I have any.

[A]

Do you use.

[L]

I pop out the jiu jitsu sometimes.

[C]

Yeah. I think he likes the smother.

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. You do the old Waffle House Hash brown smother cover. Pickled. Okay.

[L]

It's been a Rooney Five knuckle shuffle.

[A]

What are your other hobbies?

[L]

Hey, I keep it kind of simple. I'm music.

[A]

What do you do with music?

[B]

Huh?

[A]

What do you do with music?

[L]

I don't do anything. I just listen to a lot of music. Listen to a lot of music.

[B]

How does this guy get pussy? And I'm struggling. You're matching on Bumble with those pants. Oh, my God.

[A]

You.

[L]

I like them. They're comfy.

[A]

What scares you, Matthew LaCour? Heights.

[L]

Whoa. Heights. Terrifying.

[A]

That was a quick answer. What's the worst thing that's happened to you at a high place?

[L]

When I was in the military, we were doing rappel training, and I went forward and there was this infantry dude.

[A]

Big, big dude, right?

[L]

And I'm, like, shaking my leg. Shake so hard.

[A]

That's how I get when I'm around a big dude.

[B]

Oh,

[A]

so your legs are shaking?

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

And then what happened?

[L]

And then I. I sat down and this man was like, yo, if you're not gonna do it, then get out the way. So I. I did it. That'll get you moving.

[A]

All right. What. What? Military? What?

[L]

Marine Corps.

[A]

And what did you do in the Marine Corps? How about a hand for an American Hero.

[L]

I thank your parents for paying for my alcoholism. It was awesome.

[D]

I just found out about this. What is. What is your favorite crayon flavor?

[L]

Purple.

[D]

I just found out about that. That's so nice. That's the thing. Purple.

[A]

Wait, what's a thing?

[L]

So in the Marine Corps, the jokes between are like, marine Corps is dumb. We eat crowns, and then we. We talk about the other branches because we fuck their wives.

[F]

Wow.

[A]

There's another one over there. Hell, yeah. Absolutely.

[C]

You guys are eating crayons, but Puerto Ricans are retarded.

[A]

For the record, no one said that about Puerto Ricans. And it wasn't hot piles of trash. It was because their landfills are over. They are at capacity. Google it. Google it. The mainstream media doesn't want you to know it about it because it sounds terrible. I brought attention to it, and I'm getting no credit for it because these

[D]

Democrats don't really want to help Puerto Rico.

[A]

It's true. It's true.

[D]

Donald Trump will fix the garbage on Puerto Rico.

[A]

That is true. That is true. It's going to build a wall. Okay, so, Matthew, fun times. Congratulations, Ari. What do you think, big or little?

[B]

Okay, Maureen, let's give the big one.

[L]

Hit me with it.

[A]

You think so?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

James McCann, you want to put in

[B]

a boat here from the set? Little but the pants.

[D]

This man's a fucking American hero, Ari.

[A]

Sure.

[D]

He's about to have to go and defend your country from being taken over by a bigger, stronger country.

[A]

Sure.

[C]

Which is every other country

[A]

the votes are in. You're getting a big joke book. There's Matthew LaCour. There he goes. All right, let's get one last bucket pull up here, huh? Make some noise for him. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Dallas Turner. Here we go. Dallas Turner. One more time for Dallas Turner, everybody.

[G]

So right at the top here, I just want to take a moment to honor my girlfriend. She just recently

[N]

died

[G]

from fentanyl. Yeah, Fentanyl. This dick in her mouth. So yesterday was a historic day for comedy. Tony did a set at the Trump rally, as you guys know, and he spoke on the Clintons. And, you know, just personally, I hope that the Clinton foundation does not take the podcast name seriously. Not for real, though. It was really good to see you up there on that stage yesterday. It's just nice to see, you know, Trump has the support of a solid support from the gays.

[A]

There you go. Dallas Turner using all minute 12 seconds to the bear. Fantastic. I've always wanted a comedian with white rapper energy. Welcome to the show.

[G]

Dallas, I have. I am a rapper.

[A]

You are?

[B]

Of course you are. I could see the way you hold the mic.

[A]

I was like, this guy thing, a 1, 2. You'll never guess what I do for a hobby. Hell, yeah. So you are a rapper?

[G]

Yeah, my name is Lil God.

[A]

Oh, okay. You've been on this show before.

[G]

I'm that Canadian rapper guy.

[A]

That's right. That's. That's right. I remember now. That's why I was thinking white rapper. That makes sense now. That is locked in my memory. What else about you? Anything else? Or should we just get right into the rap and get the fuck out of here? Do you do stand up sometimes? Yeah.

[B]

Every time I see comedians on this show hold the mic like this, I'm like, okay. The minute's gonna get out of the way and then they're gonna do their thing. Yo, yo, yo.

[D]

I'm just glad the lead singer from Vampire Weekend moved on to something like this.

[C]

You do look like you've been lost in Wonka's factory for, like, 11 years.

[D]

It is a cool sweater.

[H]

Thank you.

[G]

It's $20 at Walmart.

[D]

You don't have to concede that. It's a very cool sweater and you should be proud.

[A]

Do you ever hide in the clothing racks and, like, pop your head off and scare people? You seem like you have the face that would be good for that.

[H]

Yeah.

[G]

Here and there.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You look like someone melted Timothy Chamilet

[A]

or whatever his name is.

[D]

I think he looks cool. That's how I'd like to look. I won't have this negativity. You've got a beautiful bum chin. Ladies love that.

[A]

That's cool.

[D]

Your hair's hanging on. I respect that. You have the eyes of a serial killer. Women find that very attractive.

[A]

It is true. So let's just jump into it. You want to ask Michael Gonzalez for a beat over there? Yeah, sure. Let's try to not get too loud bands so that we could hear him. These raps kind of get drowned out sometimes.

[G]

So I have this song called Ice Cream.

[A]

Oh, shit.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

Sounds cool.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Who's that driving in the van? That's the Ice cream man. But they take your fucking money. Ay, this is where it all began. I need to find Seth. Where's my meth? I'm close to death don't wanna die I don't wanna die we don't wanna die we don't wanna die Wanna live long still Ice cream and do meth I can wait till Thonics come I yo, new York City.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Okay. All right. There you go. Woo. There's some. Some people booing in the crowd, some marines booing in the audience. The ice cream. The ice cream. Me at you. Eat it before it melts.

[D]

I think it's a fresh new sound that they're. Radio Vanilla isn't ready for.

[A]

My life's been a rocky road. I have a chocolate chip on my shoulder. I'm making that cookie dough. I write better ice cream wraps than you in 10.

[G]

Yeah, thanks, man.

[D]

Like, that's what got you angry with this man's ice cream.

[A]

Raps were not good enough. Vanilla Ice.

[D]

Pistachio.

[A]

Oh,

[G]

Yeah, that. That song went viral on TikTok and Instagram.

[D]

Come on.

[G]

Kill myself in the comments.

[D]

Do you know why things go viral on TikTok? It's because the Chinese government's trying to make America stupider.

[B]

Exactly.

[D]

That's not something to celebrate. I still think you look really cool.

[A]

Wow. Okay. Dallas Turner. Fun times, Fun times. You already get a little joke book last time you were on?

[G]

I got a big one, surprisingly.

[A]

Here's a little one for you.

[G]

All right.

[A]

One of those. Oh, shit. There you go. Give them that. Make some noise for Dallas Turner, ladies and gentlemen. And we. And we've come to that time of the night, ladies and gentlemen, where there's only one possible thing left that we could possibly in this wild world do. There's only one comedian that could even follow an episode like this. He is the record holder for all time appearances on this show, all time interviews. Some people call him the Madison Square Gardener. Some people call him the Manhattan Mauler. We'd like to thank Squarespace, Zippix. Simply Safe in Game time. Oh, yes. The Squarespace Strangler, the Zippix Zebra, the Simply Safe Salutatorian, and the Game Time Goat. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Vanilla Gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery.

[N]

After hearing Tony's jokes at the Trump rally, Donald is now wishing he would have been shot in his other ear too. Tony asked the Trump campaign if he could ever work with them again. They said, yeah, we'll contact you using this special beeper. I asked Tony if he was worried about being chased by the Puerto Ricans, and he said, no, I bought a jet ski. What did you mean by that, Tony? Dear Catholics, if the Pope is so powerful, let's see him part the Red Sea.

[A]

Okay, that's my time. William Montgomery focusing in on the super topical me situation. And then a random Pope joke at the end.

[N]

I know I messed up on it. I was doing pretty good with the other stuff.

[A]

And then he was able to write 49 seconds of me material. And he's like, how do I fill this in? Right? I love it. William, that is the other ear joke is perhaps the funniest take I've heard. And I have, believe it or not.

[N]

Well, thank you.

[A]

I've read about 75,000 other people jokes about me in the past 24 hours. So that's very good that you immediately rose to number one.

[E]

Yeah.

[N]

How are you doing?

[A]

I'm good.

[N]

Okay. I mean, really? I'm asking. Okay.

[A]

I'm totally fine now. Yeah, things are good. Good. I've gotten some amazing. Some very nice messages from your parents.

[D]

Oh, really?

[A]

Yeah. They're big fans, Francis and Larry.

[N]

Very sweet of them.

[A]

They are very, very sweet. I've gotten a lot of support and none, none from you, but your parents. Very sweet.

[N]

Tony. I didn't know what to say. I just didn't know what to say. Not in a bad way or anything. I just didn't know what to say. And I knew I would see you tonight.

[A]

I know, I know. I'm kidding. I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

[N]

Well, Tony, I actually found something that might be able to just hold over your mind for a little bit, if you want. I actually. I'd always heard of the game Tetris, but I'd never played Tetris before. That is a fun game with the blocks. I never played it before. Yeah, I spent like a couple hours last night.

[A]

You were playing Tetris last night?

[N]

Yeah, I was thinking about you. I was playing Tetris.

[A]

I was

[N]

seeing how Red Band was doing. He was eating a bunch of birthday cake last night. I can't believe you ate so much birthday cake last night.

[A]

Why were you eating birthday cake? It was our friend's birthday. I didn't eat that much, but. Yeah, you had a bunch of birthday cake. No, I just had a little bit.

[K]

Janice had a lot.

[A]

Did you eat any ice cream? Rocky road ice cream, man. Neapolitan. Did you hear the guy's ice cream wraps? William, are you around?

[D]

Yeah.

[N]

Lil God. Yes.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Cool.

[D]

God.

[C]

That's who was there for Tony during the speech. Little God. Are you just playing Tetris now, like on a computer or a phone?

[L]

Yeah.

[N]

Will I be Donkey Kong country one? That game is hard as. I beat donkey Kong Country 2. Flying to Portland this weekend. I finally was able to beat donkey Kong country 2. That is also hard as. And then I started playing donkey Kong Country 3. And I didn't have it in me. Tony.

[A]

Interesting, interesting.

[N]

And then it's like this comedy of errors. I love the Pacific Northwest. Portland was wonderful. I've really, I've loved it up there. But it was kind of a comedy of errors. I mean, the. The hotel room where I was staying, it wouldn't get above seats. The carpet was soaking wet. I get to the comedy club, the dude getting the tickets is mean, mugging my ass the whole time. I'm being really nice to him, but I'm thinking, this guy hates me for some reason. The toilet breaks. I have to end up putting my hands in the back of the toilet to flush. And I was having to shit in there. I hate shitting in public. But they had these washcloths I was able to use and then do in the. In the trash can. But then I was having to put other toilet paper stuff on top of them because it was just these big things of shit in the trash can with shit all over them. And then the Internet went out on Saturday night. Then everybody has to freaking pay at the beginning and get their two drinks at the beginning. And the show starts an hour late. Jeff Richards was there. He was wonderful.

[A]

Love Jeff Richards.

[N]

Love Jeff Richards. I get into the green room and he just starts mimicking me the entire time.

[D]

On Thursday.

[A]

He's very good at that one. All time great impressionist. A freaky, freaky, great impressionist.

[N]

Wonderful. But, yeah, it was a lot of fun. And now my voice is hurting. But we'll see how it goes in Cincinnati.

[A]

See how it goes what, in Cincinnati?

[K]

This week?

[A]

You're going to Cincinnati? Wow.

[B]

I had a couple of friends from Estonia see your show a couple of weeks ago. They don't know nothing about comedy. They don't know nothing. What's the norm? And he said, you called his wife a bitch seven times and it was the greatest show he's ever seen.

[N]

Well, I wonder if that's one bitch.

[B]

That's what you get going?

[A]

Yeah.

[N]

I mean, it's been throwing me off. I get these bitches who have their titties all out front, and I'm looking down these bitches shirts and it's like, I already kind of. There's times I don't always respect women like I should. I mean, I totally have an issue.

[A]

Are you looking for one right now?

[N]

Yeah, I was trying to see some titties right here. But that guy. Nah.

[A]

Wow. Wow. William Montgomery on the prowl, eyeballing his next innocent victim. I look at him.

[N]

You have to be careful Around Heidi, I just look at her face. Whenever I'm around Heidi, I just keep my head up.

[C]

Yeah, you're a fucking dickhead.

[F]

Oh.

[A]

Uh.

[L]

Oh.

[A]

Look at the look on William's face. My throat hurts.

[N]

And I'm a changed man. After all this Tetris, Tony, I'm feeling a lot more mellow. I swear. It's really been helping with my high blood pressure. I think it's a good thing I've been doing Tetris.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Because we. We had a stash the last time I was on the show, but since then, I feel like we've warmed to one another and. And I really enjoyed, you know.

[A]

Yeah.

[N]

Oh, my gosh.

[D]

Being a warm acquaintance of yours, at very least, I hope one day. A friend.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Did you guys have a beef?

[D]

I called him retarded. It was not my finest moment. And he kept making.

[N]

What did you say? Dumbass. I can't understand that.

[A]

You know, it was like, what?

[D]

There were no real clear, you know, good parties.

[A]

Clear. I'm from South Africa.

[D]

Well, we don't have to keep doing it, guy. But I was gonna say South Africa. Here we go. Okay, we're back into a bad routine, but I was trying to say something nice.

[C]

I like the more that he gets you. You turn less red and he gets more red. It's like he's winning.

[A]

It's like a transfer. William, what else is going on? Anything else going on?

[N]

Nothing exciting. Just same old.

[A]

Just. God. Okay. Whoa. Cold as ice.

[N]

Yeah, I'm feeling a little cold tonight.

[A]

Yeah, it's okay. Is there anything that fires you up? Is there anything that you're passionate about other than Tetris right now?

[N]

I wish. Tony, there's really not.

[A]

Let me ask you something. You've been playing a lot of video games.

[D]

Have you ever played Stardew Valley? I just downloaded that on a flight, and I was growing turnips, and I felt like I was really achieving something.

[A]

It's not start. You start.

[B]

You Valley Start.

[D]

No, no. I might be playing a different game. In this game, you play Jeffrey Epstein and you lure small children to your valley. Yeah.

[A]

When Bobby Lee plays. What is going On? What is this music? What's happening?

[D]

Tetris music.

[A]

Oh, Hey, make some noise for the great William Montgomery. Ladies and gentlemen, the drawing from Ryan J. E Belt is. Is in. Oh, my God. I do believe that's the two guests that were originally booked for the show. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, a little Jeremy, a little throwback. Classic hall of Fame. Adam Ray, legendary character Jeremy. Guys, please, for the love of God, make some noise for Puerto Rican Kim Congdon, the Estonian Ari Mati, and the Australian James McCann Red Band.

[D]

Check out the Sunset Strip comedy club

[A]

for the secret show every Thursday. This week, Halloween show. We love you guys. God bless America.

[D]

Giving up a Tony Hinchcliffe every morning.

[A]

H Clean, come on. No matter what happens, we're here, and we ain't never going to stop. We love you. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Sa. It. Dance party with Beyonce. Dance party with Beyonce. Beyonce.