#767 - LUIS J GOMEZ + ARI SHAFFIR + PEYTON RUDDY

Summary

Kill Tony #767 - Luis J. Gomez + Ari Shaffir + Peyton Ruddy

Date: May 11, 2026
Venue: Comedy Mothership, Austin, Texas

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Episode Overview

This vibrant episode of Kill Tony spotlights the heart of its legendary live format: unpredictable stand-up, rowdy audience engagement, and razor-sharp panel banter. Hosted as always by Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban, the episode features a three-guest lineup: comedian and Skankfest founder Luis J. Gomez, storytelling king Ari Shaffir, and first-time panelist, rising star Peyton Ruddy. The episode is heavy on roast-style humor, bold crowd work, and unsparing feedback for the comics who brave “the bucket.” Throughout, the panel’s chemistry is electric, particularly the clash of Ari’s dry wit, Luis’s bombastic style, and Peyton’s nimble comedic instincts.

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Key Discussion Points & Show Highlights

1. Panel Introductions & Vibe Set (04:19 – 07:14)

• Tony introduces Ari Shaffir, Luis J. Gomez, and debuting panelist Peyton Ruddy.
  • “Ari Shafir, the real deal. Luis J. Gomez. And introducing... Peyton Ruddy, everybody. This is the future right here.” — Tony Hinchcliffe [06:05]
• Banter around hats, panelist personas, and friendly jabs about Jewish identity (06:01–07:14).

2. Comedian Sets & Panel Feedback

Each comedian is given a tight one-minute set, after which the panel weighs in.

Dedrick Flynn – Regular Set (08:17 – 12:26)

• Bemoans the death of “silly” comedy and the straight-faced seriousness of today’s audiences.
• Engages the panel in loose, roast-heavy banter.
  • “I just wanna be silly and... uncross your arms, nigga. Silly up. You see what I'm talking about?” — Dedrick Flynn [08:18]
• Peyton and Dedrick trade jabs about their physicality (“I've never clipped my dinner to my belt.”) [10:47]; Luis tells Dedrick his outfit is “like a bumper sticker on a pickup truck in Texas.” [09:49]

Tom Frank (13:06 – 17:23)

• Self-identifies as a “gypsy” with Jewish ancestry; jokes about not having a home country.
• Struggles to give straight answers; gets roasted for being vague about his job as a tour guide.
  • “So you give tours to... nature?” — Tony [15:54]
  • Panel accuses him of “serial killer” energy—Peyton jokes, “Are you making all this up on the spot right now?” [16:05]

Chris Gerasimo (21:40 – 29:06)

• Jokes about his Greek heritage and bullying from high schoolers in his non-profit career.
• Shares a personal story of his father dying in front of him and attempting CPR.
  • “There was this Asian chick... I just said hi to her and she said, ‘You seem toxic as fuck. And I bet your ex is right about you.’” — Chris [25:02]
  • Ari asks insensitively, “Was there a second where his eye just kind of did that move where you thought you had saved him...?” [28:26] Chris: “No, that was it. Sorry, Ari.”

Keegan Carmichael – The “Mitch Hedberg” Comic (30:21 – 38:20)

• Performs short, punchy, Hedberg-esque one-liners about debt, queso, vegan relatives.
• Tony and Luis debate if Keegan should lean into or break away from his “ghost of Mitch Hedberg” persona.
  • “Mitch ain’t alive, and here you are. So if it’s the ghost of Mitch, I’ll fucking take it.” — Tony [31:31]

Royal Oats (49:56 – 61:47)

• Physique jokes (“a lot of muscle up under here”), ball-size bits, and extended set on Black holidays and an OJ Simpson tattoo.
• Reveals his past: faced life without parole for drug trafficking until case overturned due to a dirty cop.
  • “I do Uber. I do Uber... At one point in my life, I was doing life without in prison.” — Royal Oats [56:31], [59:17]
  • Recalls viral video where he hit an audience member with a mic after being heckled.

Sir John (62:50 – 73:01)

• Nepalese immigrant; jokes about pressure to be a doctor (“imagine being named after your job”) and his family's names.
• Earnest, stumbles through timing a knock-knock joke.
  • “After 96 times on your phone, you're like, I need more videos.” — Ari [65:34]
• Panel is gentle, supportive of his immigrant journey and comedy aspirations.

Miranda Meadows (111:07 – 119:49)

• Dark, self-deprecating, and openly sexual lesbian material; crowd work on family history.
• Roasts Ari/Jews, jokes about the technicalities of lesbian sex.
  • “You Ari give. Why would you do this to us?”
• Peyton: “You're a real Bart Simpson type personality—instead of ‘eat my shorts,’ you're like ‘eat my pussy.’” [119:17]

Pat O’Neill – Closer, Regular Set (127:18 – 131:32)

• Edgy, smart jokes on autoerotic asphyxiation (the “cinnamon challenge”), porn consumption, dating lesbians, and Jewish history.
• Gets huge panel praise; invited to Skankfest by Luis, and the secret show by Tony.
  • “You just have the beats, man. I cannot stress enough how funny I think you are and how excited I am for you.” — Tony [130:49]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Luis J. Gomez: “Dedrick, always so funny. But you are dressed like a bumper sticker on a pickup truck in Texas.” [09:49]
• Ari Shaffir (re: Keegan): “Try one of those jokes in a different style.” [36:50]
• Tony Hinchcliffe (to Miranda): “Right there between the balls and the penis. We know where [the clit] is. That’s the part they really like.” [114:22]
• Peyton Ruddy (to Miranda): “You're a real Bart Simpson type personality. Instead of ‘eat my shorts,’ you're like ‘eat my pussy.’” [119:17]
• Royal Oats (on Black holidays): “All you know is the bank is closed.” [53:50]
• Panel (on Sir John’s knock-knock joke): “How are you planning on timing that? That’s a lunatic move.” — Ari [65:13]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Panel Introductions & Jabs: 04:19–07:14
• Dedrick Flynn Set: 08:17–12:26
• Tom Frank Set + Interview: 13:06–17:23
• Chris Gerasimo Set + Dad Story: 21:40–29:06
• Keegan Carmichael (“Mitch Hedberg” comic): 30:21–38:20
• Royal Oats Extended Set: 49:56–61:47
• Sir John Interview: 62:50–73:01
• Miranda Meadows Set + Lesbian & Family Material: 111:07–119:49
• Pat O’Neill Closer: 127:18–131:32

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Additional Highlights

• Role of the Band: Extended shout-outs, playful banter, banjo breaks, and a “Mexican Drum Off” with Keenan Womack going up against Michael Gonzalez—classic Kill Tony tradition, panel cracks wise (“Apply a napkin, ladies!”—Ari [101:54]).
• Audience & Comic Antics: Newcomers struggle with the format, receive intuitive, sometimes brutal advice and roast lines. Multiple “rookies” (e.g., “PHX98”) get schooled on how to actually prepare for a minute.
• Surprise Drop-In: Wee Man from Jackass swings by to promote “Jackass: The Best and Last,” entering seamlessly into the comic riff-off, to the audience’s delight. Shares a wild story about a co-star injuring their finger during a stunt. [120:42–125:03]

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Thematic Threads

• Comedy’s Diversity & Vulnerability: From prison stories to coming out, tragic family losses to tales of immigrant struggle; humor and resilience run as deep undercurrents.
• Meta Stand-Up Discussions: Frequent fourth-wall breaks about joke structure, delivery, stand-up as a career, and the show’s own traditions—kind of comedy on/for comedians, as well as fans.
• Roasting & Camaraderie: The episode is full of friendly savagery—panelists, comics, and even the band taking hits and giving them back, with genuine camaraderie and respect.

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Final Thoughts

This edition of Kill Tony is an explosive blend of raw new talent, old friends, and unapologetic comic invention. Ari, Luis, and Peyton provide relentless wit and insight while Tony steers the show with his usual quick tongue and crowd mastery. Newcomers get the full Kill Tony baptism—some bomb, some rise to the occasion, all get a taste of the real comedy circuit. By the end of the night, the sense of community, chaos, and comedic sharpness that defines Kill Tony is on full display.

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For fans and new listeners alike:
This episode delivers everything you love about Kill Tony—hilarious, unpredictable, and unfiltered stand-up, with the sharpest panel in the business.

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Navigation

• Want pure standup sets? Jump to [08:17], [13:06], [21:40], [30:21], [49:56], [62:50], [111:07], [127:18]
• For advice/big panel laughs: [09:49], [31:31], [36:50], [65:13], [119:17], [130:49]
• Notable drop-ins: Wee Man appearance [120:42–125:03]

Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening

[Redban]

to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhenchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever. Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get it for Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's close. Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? Make some noise for Brian, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, yeah. And that's the best damn band in all the land. Make some noise for them, huh? Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa. That's Tres Leches on the horns. You had Michael Gonzalez in the mix. That's Nachos Belgrande. Joining the band tonight, the banjo player from Mumford and Sons, and unbelievable artist Winston Marshall, ladies and gentlemen. Huge part of the Kil Tony family. We know him, we love him. The homie Big SW from Matt Muling on the electric guitar, John D's on the keys, and believe it or not, that man sitting right there, that's not Adam Ray. That's D Madness. Live in the flesh, everybody. The backbone, the eyes and ears of the band. What an episode we have for you. This is indeed the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Shopify, Talk Space and ZipRecruiter. This is Kill Tony. And here is a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that make the whole thing possible. Hello there, everyone. This podcast is sponsored by Saily. Whether you're hitting the road for a comedy tour, just trying to escape the country for a vacation, getting off a long flight and realizing your phone doesn't have Internet is an absolute nightmare. That's where Saily comes in. Redband.

[Redban]

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[Tony Hinchcliffe]

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[Stephanie Ann]

an elephant in the room or a

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

bull in a china shop.

[Stephanie Ann]

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[Tony Hinchcliffe]

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[Stephanie Ann]

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[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Terms and exclusions apply.

[Stephanie Ann]

See paypal.com rewardsterms

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

who's ready to start tonight's show, huh? Ladies and gentlemen, I'm proud to say you have three guests tonight. The rare triple threat guest lineup. Two of them are two of the most used guests in the show's history. One of them is first time brand spanking new on panel because I think he's one of the funniest people on earth. Coming up the ranks, truly one of the top young rising comedians in the world. Your three guests tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Ari Shafir, Louis J. Gomez and Peyton Ruddy. Oh, my God. It's Ari Shafir, the real deal. Luis J. Gomez. And introducing to the show, Tony universe, Peyton Ruddy, everybody. Peyton Ruddy, everybody rhymes.

[Ari Shaffir]

I legitimately did that hat back. It's all fun and games. I got that at bodega. It's a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Don't give it back. What are you doing?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Keep it. He's a legend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, come on.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, my God. I understand you don't want to touch anything that has been on a Jew's head, but just throw it away.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He needs that hat so he can get through the tunnel quicker. It's aerodynamic. Ari Shafir, ladies and gentlemen, is here. My big brother. Everyone's big brother in the end is out now. He's back with a brand new storytelling series. It's [e-mail] so many great comedians on it. I'm on it.

[Ari Shaffir]

You're on it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shane Gillis is on it. Nate Bargazi. The list goes on and on. It's must see TV. Available now at arishafir.com the end. Louis J. Gomez is back, everybody. The master and grand leader of the Skank Fest world Series. Skank Fest tickets are [e-mail] might be sold out by the time this gets out. If they're not, make sure you get them. It is the comedy file. I'll be there. Red Band. I'll be there. Everyone's there. It's a crazy big dirty, sweaty fun festival. And Peyton Ruddy, everybody. It's his first time. Look how adorable this sweet boy is.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Speaking of dirty and sweaty and fun.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Hey, thanks for having me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, we're happy to have you. His tour. My best work [e-mail] for tickets. Go see them. This is the future right here. You're seeing them for the first time on Kill. Tony. Peyton Ruddy, everybody. Follow him on Instagram at Peyton Ruddy comedy. That's ruddy. And we're gonna have so much fun. One more time. This episode is brought to you by Shopify, Talk Space and Zip Recruiter. You guys know how it works. Over 200 innocent souls, some of them not innocent at all, some of them guilty of many crimes, signed up for tonight's show. Anything can happen.

[Ari Shaffir]

And it's funny to do a zip recruiter thing with a bunch of guys who haven't had jobs in years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's true. We're gonna find out all about it. They get 60 seconds uninter. If I pull their name out of the bucket, you know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. I'm going to let this guy that looks like if you put one of Donald Trump's sons in a microwave, pull the first name. There you go, sir. There you go. Very exciting. Send it along. We go wrangle that person and while we wrangle the first comedian, we're going to have one of our great regulars do a brand new set. Sometimes this guy does over a minute. He never calls out sick. He never misses a set. You're watching one of the great comedians of the future grow in front of your very eyes. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a guy that was once known as the Dark storm of Atlanta. He's now known as the dark storm of Austin, Texas. This is a brand new set from the great Dedrick Flynn, everybod.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Guys.

[Dedrick Flynn]

What happened to silly people? Like, everybody in this country just wanna be upset or the saddest or the madness. And I just wanna be silly and. Uncross your arms, nigga. Silly up. You see what I'm talking about? Why are you. You ain't come here to have a good time. You laughing through your team. What happened to the silly laughs that used to. We used to have goofy ass laughs at comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Niggas be.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Y' all don't even do that no more. Do y' all remember. Y' all remember silly Jews? Do y' all remember Jews were the silliest people in America? Larry David and Seinfeld and Sarah Silverman's finance. Y' all remember that? Just fucking Ahrii went into the wilderness for a year because he couldn't be silly anymore. And we just need to just let that out. I don't know why. Because I just wanted to say that so I could do this silly joke real fast that I wrote down just to get y' all to mindset day. And yo ex is a lot like reheating French fries. All right, I'm do the next one. Sir, you ever been hit with the rocket ship effect? The rocket ship effect? You know what that is? That's when you see somebody who thinks attractive and they walking towards you and you like, oh, that's a 10, 9, 8, 7. All right, y', all, that's my time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love y'. All. Damn. He's done it again. 1 minute, 22 seconds from Dedrick Flynn. Very funny. I love it. Hell, yeah. Lis J. Gomez.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Dedrick, always so funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're. You're hilarious.

[Luis J. Gomez]

But you are dressed like a bumper sticker on a pickup truck in Texas,

[Dedrick Flynn]

usa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very patriotic.

[Ari Shaffir]

Just got here from Nigeria. Is trying to pretend he's. I love the yankees.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I hate Jo hat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very bad. Welcome, Dedrick. You got a little rabbit's foot over there.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah, some lady at the cause we went to WrestleMania after the show. She came up to me, she's like,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

this is for you.

[Dedrick Flynn]

And then she didn't give anybody else one, so I just wanted to just. Oh, you got one too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, shit.

[Dedrick Flynn]

She didn't give it to us at the same time. You was back to there. Break it down the drum set. You didn't. Why you ain't wearing it? Why you got it in your pocket ready to go? Is it supposed to be in your pocket?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Supposed to be right here where it's supposed to be.

[Dedrick Flynn]

All right, Don't.

[Peyton Ruddy]

I mean, wow. I mean, dude, I'M a big guy, but I've never clipped my dinner to my belt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

After I'm done eating,

[Peyton Ruddy]

I'm going to save some of this for later.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, hey. Peyton Ruddy has arrived. I love it.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Them buttons is fighting for their life. Pton, I wouldn't do. You look like Mikey from recess growing up, nigga. I would not do it. See, we're silly.

[Areola]

We're friends.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I know him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're just.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Your chain is too tight, buddy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is too tight. What's going on over there? You've been doing minute workouts.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I do a lot of push ups. You wouldn't know nothing about this. I do a lot of push ups when I'm at home. Cause I want to feel like I'm back in jail so I can work harder.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do push ups with your neck? Yeah, I love it.

[Ari Shaffir]

Double up the chain. Is it like. Yeah, around twice?

[Dedrick Flynn]

No, it's two steps. So stop counting the gold.

[Ari Shaffir]

How many legs are there?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many specific carrots?

[Dedrick Flynn]

How much would you give me for it? On your New York strip market,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

it

[Luis J. Gomez]

looks like the most expensive lynching ever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's good. I like that a lot.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Thank you so much for that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I appreciate you.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Thank you so much. You look like the top of a s' more with your graham cracker skin and that dumbass marshmallow hat on.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Now I like you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you get cold from there. Are you bald?

[Dedrick Flynn]

Is that why you're wearing that car?

[Ari Shaffir]

Heart?

[Peyton Ruddy]

You know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, There it is.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Scared being bald. Just let it go, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dedrick, you got the show started yet again, ladies and gentlemen. You should do it every week. Not an easy job, but he did it again. The great desert Flynn, everybody. And it has begun. To the bucket we go. Everyone. This is where gets crazy. We're gonna meet people all together. A lot of it's gonna be their first time. Maybe it's someone who's been on before. Maybe they bombed last time they were on and they're here for redemption. Maybe they did good and this time it didn't go so good. Maybe they did good twice in a row. Anything can happen. The whole thing's improvised. Make some noise for your first bucket pool. It's Tom Frank, everyone. Here comes Tom Frank. That's right.

[Tom Frank]

Tom Frank. No relation, but I'm gonna try and lock in right now like that gray woman. My name is. I'm a gypsy. Yeah. That just means I have a hard time answering simple questions like where are you from? What are you doing here? And have you seen my dog? Yeah. My family's from Czechoslovakia. Yeah, back then wasn't a good time to be Jewish. So turns out Gypsy is just a Jew that lost their documents. Still sucked.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But a lot of people like to

[Tom Frank]

remind me, hey, that's not a country. Like, thanks for reminding me. I don't have a home.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Tom Frank]

We should have been clever and named it something that would stick, like Israel. Then it would still be around and real today.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Tom Frank]

But I'm a little suspicious, you know, I think like, Greenland is an iceberg. Turkey, it's full of cats. And then whenever the immigrants come to the border, Hungary is like, sorry, we're full. But it was easy growing up with immigrant parents. Actually, they were clever, you know, they knew enough. Kids at school were calling me a fat retard. Why would they pay money for me to hear that from a professional? I used to be fat, but still stupid. So the school system's broken, but fat shaming works.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Tom, Frank. How you doing, Tom?

[Tom Frank]

It's a good day to be alive.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right.

[Ari Shaffir]

Is it though, with you guys?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. How long you been doing stand up comedy?

[Tom Frank]

Longer than I should be.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Want to answer the question?

[Tom Frank]

Yeah, like six years, on and off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, six years. And why do you look like an old timey explorer? You look like you'd be standing at the front of a ship ready to take over some African country or something like that.

[Tom Frank]

I just got back from a festival, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was the festival?

[Tom Frank]

Peak state. You ever, you know Brent Pella?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nope. Oh, yeah. What. What's that? Festival.

[Tom Frank]

He made a movie at a festival about a festival. It's pretty cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Doesn't sound cool at all. How many people go to this festival?

[Tom Frank]

Like 500.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's pretty big.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is it like, is there music? What goes on at the festival?

[Tom Frank]

Yeah, all the fixings, you know, cosplay and dancing and, I don't know, camping, pretending homeless.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sounds like skank fest to me. Tom, Frank, what do you do for a living?

[Tom Frank]

I'm a tour guide.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Of what? What kind of tours are you giving?

[Tom Frank]

Go hiking.

[Ari Shaffir]

Do give tours of the Boogie Night set.

[Tom Frank]

I go to the nature.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Tom Frank]

Go hiking in the parks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You give tours to nature?

[Royal Oats]

Of course.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. You get paid to give tours to

[Tom Frank]

nature, Drive people around, walk them up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where? Where exactly?

[Tom Frank]

The national parks. It's a beautiful country.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Payton, are you making all this up on the spot right now? What the are you talking about right now? Yeah, you know, I drive people around and

[Tom Frank]

I told you I'm a gypsy, right? It's not so easy to answer, what

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

does that mean to you exactly?

[Tom Frank]

You're on the road,

[Luis J. Gomez]

we're all gypsies.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, exactly. All right, Tom, what's the most interesting thing about you? You're on a podcast right now. You're barely answering questions honestly. Let's get to some meat and potatoes here. You got anything about you that you might find interesting?

[Tom Frank]

I speak a few languages.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like what?

[Tom Frank]

Czech, Slovakian.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Was that two languages?

[Tom Frank]

It counts. Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Why do you keep pronouncing it that way? Slovakia?

[Tom Frank]

Because we were the original slaves.

[Ari Shaffir]

No, the Akia part.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Tom Frank]

You know, classic white guy taking credit for slavery.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Okay, Tom, are you funnier in those languages?

[Tom Frank]

It's easier, you know, when they don't understand you and they just. You just got a funny face.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Tom Frank]

Like in Brazil, they don't understand so much English, but they love it when a gringo dances.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Tom,

[Ari Shaffir]

he's got the vibe of. His last tour to the woods was with Gabby Petito.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Right before he killed her, he went,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

my wife,

[Peyton Ruddy]

she's a dad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tom, Frank, here's a little joke book. We're going to keep it moving along. There he goes. Tom Frank, everybody. Yeah. How about more? Make some noise for Winston Marshall. I love a good banjo. Make some nice little lovely Heidi, everybody. This is her alive in the flesh. Feast your eyes on the real deal. Go to heidy or gina.com. a lot of fun stuff going on over there. Isn't she the best? We got cigars, we got drinks. It's a party here. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. Picture this. It's late at night, you're scrolling through your feeds, when all of a sudden you see it. That one product you've been looking for. You click on the link, add to your cart, maybe even shop around a little before finally hitting checkout. As you're filling in your address, you realize you don't have your credit card anywhere near you. That's when you see it. The purple pay button that has all of your information saved, making checking out as simple as a simple tap of your screen. Great band, Tony.

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[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oee. That's right, Redban. Get the word out. Like you have a marketing team behind you. Easily create email and social media campaigns wherever your customer customers are scrolling or strolling and Best yet, Shopify is your commerce expert with world class expertise in everything from managing inventory to international shipping to processing returns and beyond. See less carts go abandoned and more sales go with Shopify and their shop pay button. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at shopify.com kill Tony go to shopify.com kill Tony that's shopify.com kill Tony shopify.com kill Tony shopifY.com shopifY.com kill Tony that's right. Go to shopify.com kill Tony right now. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Talk Space. May is mental health Awareness month and Talk Space, the leading provider of online therapy, wants you to strengthen your relationships and know that a caring licensed therapist can help. It's easy to get started. You can easily sign up online and get paired with a licensed provider, typically within 48 hours. Talk space makes getting help convenient. You can take your appointments from the comfort and privacy of your own home and exchange text, voice or video messages with your therapist too. Talkspace makes it easy, accessible and affordable to face your challenges, whether that's a mental health condition, relationship conflicts, past trauma, or everyday stress. As you find so many people out of this bucket have you can find your path to move forward with resilience and peace. Plus, most insured members have a $0 copay. Now here's my man Red Band to tell you more about why he loves Talkspace.

[Redban]

Thanks, bro. Tony, I think Talkspace is providing some of the best mental health treatment out there you can find. Therapy has helped me transform.

[Royal Oats]

Hey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. Wow.

[Redban]

Can't see. In so many meaningful ways, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It has helped you transform in so many meaningful ways. I mean, you lost £6 just this month eating sandwiches alone. That's beautiful. Red Band. Take care of yourself this month and every month with Talk Space. Talk Space is in network with most major insurance plans, but if you pay out of pocket as a listener of this podcast, you'll get $80 off your first month with Talk Space. When you go to talk space.comtony and enter promo code SPACE80. That's S P, a C80. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to talkspace.comtony and enter promo Code SPACE80. Make some noise for your next bucket poll, everybody. Looks like a new name to me. It's Chris Jurassimo, everyone.

[Chris Gerasimo]

Thank you. You nailed my last name. Jurassimo. Sounds like I'm a dinosaur from Jurassic Park. Unfortunately, I have a neck long enough to also be a dinosaur from Jurassic Park. How far in that joke is really depends on where you're sitting, this guy had the perfect view over here. Careful, this is a splash zone. But it's a Greek name. You know, my people invented both democracy and anal. You're welcome, Tony. But it's a stereotype because in ancient Greece, the Spartans actually had gay sex to help the armies Team chemistry. That's pretty crazy, right? To think that fucking your boys makes you fight better. How did they find that out? And how embarrassing was it? And they realized there's like no correlation between anal of the boys being better soldiers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Guess we're just gay. I don't know. All right, Chris Gerasdimo, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome, welcome. You got your cheap Tony is gay joke in there and I was fine. Made Lewis laugh really hard. This giant 7 year old for no reason whatsoever. It's a loophole in the show according to you guys, where you just go, hey, Tony loves anal. And everybody laughs. So fun. How exciting. Instead of it being a real show about standup comedy, there's just a blatant loophole and you just let people get away with it. You loved it too. I saw your ass Adam's apple get three sizes bigger with you. Freak. Welcome, Chris. How are you? What is your. Is that Italian? What is that?

[Chris Gerasimo]

It's Greek.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Greek. Yeah. All right.

[Chris Gerasimo]

It was the whole minute.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, perfect.

[Peyton Ruddy]

I mean, Tony, why don't you pay

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

attention and we'll be right.

[Ari Shaffir]

He was seething off that gay joke

[Luis J. Gomez]

and he was like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, furious. I couldn't hear anything before or after.

[Ari Shaffir]

Tony, your neck looks like you try to make a meme of yourself in chat. Gbt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's Chris, by the way. I'm Tony.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, yep,

[Adam Malave]

that'll.

[Ari Shaffir]

That'll hold the joke back for sure.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Chris, it looks like you're always gulping.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Chris, how long you been on stand up?

[Chris Gerasimo]

Three years now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where at?

[Chris Gerasimo]

I'm from Windsor, Canada, but I live in Toronto now, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh, big upgrade there. How's Toronto treating you?

[Chris Gerasimo]

It's fun. I got the Kill Tony boys. You got Jared and Kansai?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yep. Those are your homies. You do shows with them a lot? Yeah. You get a lot of Kansai's ramen?

[Chris Gerasimo]

Actually, my mom met Kansai because she stayed in my place and he bowed and my immigrant mom said get up and laughed at him. Thought that was pretty racist, but yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Chris, what do you do for a living?

[Chris Gerasimo]

I work for a non profit that has career days in high schools, so I travel around running career days most

[Ari Shaffir]

of the Kill Tony open micros. Work for a non profit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Chris Gerasimo]

Yeah, I get bullied by high schoolers all the time. It's great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do they say about you?

[Chris Gerasimo]

There was this Asian chick that was really mean to me one time. I just said hi to her and she said, you seem toxic as fuck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Chris Gerasimo]

And I bet your ex is right about you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn. Yeah. Amazing.

[Chris Gerasimo]

How'd that girl.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Okay, Chris, so three years in stand up, you're in Toronto. How often do you get to make it to America?

[Chris Gerasimo]

I used to live in Windsor, so I used to go over to Detroit a lot, but not much anymore. You guys are far and you hate us.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that makes sense. Chris, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand up? Comedy? What are some things. Things that you do? You collect Pokemons or something?

[Chris Gerasimo]

No.

[Ari Shaffir]

Okay, good answer.

[Chris Gerasimo]

I don't know. I guess I used to fight. I used to kickbox a little bit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. Like professionally?

[Chris Gerasimo]

No, I just. Amy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I used to pop out. Okay. What else? Just kickbox. Is that your thing?

[Chris Gerasimo]

Hang out with my girl, my mom, my roommate?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. At the same time?

[Keenan Womack]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you and your girl do together?

[Chris Gerasimo]

Long walks on the beach. Typical stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The old Toronto beaches. Yeah.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Are you. Are you making all this up on the spot right now?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no, she's real. She's real. I promise she's real.

[Peyton Ruddy]

I got two fucking serial killers in a row hang out with my mom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm boring.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Is your mom a dead body in your attic?

[Ari Shaffir]

I change her outfit every day.

[Chris Gerasimo]

Lewis, that's your mom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you. He got you. Ah, he got you.

[Dedrick Flynn]

So.

[Luis J. Gomez]

So what are you like German or something?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's Greek. What?

[Dedrick Flynn]

You paying attention?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Chris, come on, give us something crazy about your life. There's got to be something. You ever have a near death experience? No.

[Luis J. Gomez]

He is going to after the show. You talking about my mom again? I'll kickbox your ass back to Canada. You piece.

[Stephanie Ann]

Me?

[Chris Gerasimo]

No, I've never almost died.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You ever saved anyone's life?

[Chris Gerasimo]

I almost saved someone's life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us about that.

[Luis J. Gomez]

They died?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What happened?

[Chris Gerasimo]

Well, it's gonna get a little sad, but my dad died like two years ago, like in front of me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. How did your dad die?

[Chris Gerasimo]

He had a heart attack and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Chris Gerasimo]

And I hopped in. It's CPR and no mouth to mouth. Like, don't worry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Chris Gerasimo]

He's not Tom Brady or anything, but.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Got it. But you did do mouth to mouth?

[Chris Gerasimo]

No, no, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you do chest compression?

[Chris Gerasimo]

Chest compressions? Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Did you do mouth to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long did you do chest Compressions

[Areola]

for

[Chris Gerasimo]

about five minutes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Wow. And then the paramedics arrived.

[Chris Gerasimo]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Canadian paramedics.

[Chris Gerasimo]

Yeah, they were like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So. They were like real wacky. Yeah, just chest compressions on his belly

[Ari Shaffir]

button or show up. Shut up. On a horseback.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm sorry.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, he just needs some maple syrup.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm sorry. We lost them. We lost them. I'm sorry. Oh, my goodness.

[Ari Shaffir]

How long ago was this?

[Chris Gerasimo]

Two years next month.

[Ari Shaffir]

Damn.

[Chris Gerasimo]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Did you get. This is going to sound insensitive. When you were doing the chest compression, was there a second where his eye just kind of just did that move thing where you thought you had saved him and then realized. No,

[Chris Gerasimo]

no, no, that was it. Sorry, Ari.

[Redban]

Do you have to wear two scarfs?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good question. Great question. Do you have to wear two scarves on those cold Canadian days?

[Chris Gerasimo]

I'm anti scarf, anti turtleneck. Those two products have discriminated against my neck size.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Amazing. Peyton, anything else for this guy? I see eyeball.

[Peyton Ruddy]

I. I mean, I don't think so. I really. I like your vibe.

[Chris Gerasimo]

Appreciate it.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Yeah.

[Chris Gerasimo]

I had nothing mean to say to you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you have a good energy, Chris. You're a good guy. I'm sorry that I didn't hear you say that. You're Greek. Here's a big joke book. We'll keep it moving along. There you go. Chris Gerasdomo, everybody. Oh, this is an interesting name that got pulled out of the bucket. This guy is a very compelling character in the history of Kiltoni. I think he's been on twice before. Very much accused of stealing the style of Mitch Hedberg and. But, you know, it's kind of a bizarre situation because. Yes, but he's also kind of like that, but also not. But kinda is. But he is a really great joke writer. I will say that. So let's see what he does tonight. Make some noise for the return of Keegan Carmichael, everybody.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Hey,

[Keegan Carmichael]

a guy stole my wallet. He was like, ha ha, I have your wallet.

[Stephanie Ann]

I was like, ha ha.

[Keegan Carmichael]

You have 8k of credit card debt. Start paying it back, you bum. Hey, you get cheese on a burrito? Queso, it's free queso. It's extra, so I'll take it in English. I can't afford a bilingual burrito. Just make it in a language that's cost effective. Hey, my sister is vegan. On Thanksgiving she eats alone. I saw a sign. It said, in case of fire, use stairs. Fuck that, let's use water.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Keegan Carmichael. Looks like Mitch. Sounds like Mitch. Writes like Mitch, but I Mean, Mitch ain't alive, and here you are. Mitch is dead, and here you are. So if it's the ghost of Mitch, I'll fucking take it. People will complain about it, but God damn it, you're doing it. And that's crazy, but I think you should just go buy the ghost of Mitch Hedberg. But I don't know. What do I know? The whole thing, things very compelling to me, because you are your own person and you do sound and look like that, Right?

[Ari Shaffir]

So these are not Mitch Hedberg jokes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not ones that he did I don't believe. Right. No, but. But it is in the style. And he looks like that and he sounds like that. It's very bizarre.

[Ari Shaffir]

I think I was here your first time.

[Royal Oats]

What?

[Ari Shaffir]

And I think last time you were like, I've never heard of Mitch Hedberg.

[Keegan Carmichael]

No, I actually never said that. But then. And the Internet just ran with it, so whatever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that's exactly what Mitch Hedberg would say.

[Ari Shaffir]

I will tell you my favorite part of that, is when you do that queso and cheese joke, Michael Gonzalez just goes,

[Luis J. Gomez]

You did that queso and cheese joke. And Peyton almost came.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is an anomaly. You find these. You find these. You find these. These great premises. I mean, the credit card debt, you know, whatever, that's kind of a kind. But you. You're warming up there. You're just starting. But other than that, everything after that, very funny. Very interesting angles and premises. You have a real knack for it. How much time, out of my own genuine curiosity, do you think you have of jokes like that all put together if you had to do the longest set possible?

[Keegan Carmichael]

Oh, I've. I've done an hour.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like. Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

[Keegan Carmichael]

I have, like. I have 1500 jokes, but I had an epiphany two nights ago, so I got to rewrite them all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, take us through this epiphany. Take us through it step by step. What happened exactly?

[Keegan Carmichael]

I was hot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, we know. We know that. There's no doubt about that. We knew that part. Keegan, where were you? How does it happen? What did you think? What was the epiphany?

[Keegan Carmichael]

Oh, I can't give that away. I can't give that away. Come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you can. Come on. You're on. You're on the show. Come on.

[Keegan Carmichael]

I just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I watched the Question.

[Keegan Carmichael]

South park and Jordan Peele.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Ari Shaffir]

Care to elaborate?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, can you. Can you give us some more

[Keegan Carmichael]

the ghost pivot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Can you keep going?

[Keegan Carmichael]

Absolutely not. I gotta. I have to gatekeep the ghost pivot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, let's check in with Peyton Rowe.

[Peyton Ruddy]

I'd like to return to this free queso idea you were talking about. How exactly does this work?

[Keegan Carmichael]

You gotta tell them. They ask you if you want queso. You just say, I don't need the translation.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Yeah, I will try that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is interesting, right? They have an oven. They have the stovetop thing. They have the cheese. The melted cheese is queso. Queso's extra cheeses. And the cheese even melts else if you put it in the thing. What do you think about it?

[Keegan Carmichael]

But how much is it? If I add fromage,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

it's a lot more.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I. Keegan, I think you're very funny, dude. I. I know that the Mitch Hedberg thing, I could tell it kind of bothers you that people compare you to Mitch Hedberg. So much so. Yeah, I mean, I get it. So have you thought about maybe moving away from it and working on trying to differentiate yourself a little? Because you really. All bullshit aside, dude, your set was fucking brilliant. Like really, really, really smart joke jokes.

[Keegan Carmichael]

I'm just trying to shower and shave, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Keegan Carmichael]

Yeah.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Somehow he missed all three today.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know. Wait, and Roddy, I'm telling you, this is the future. As long as that heart holds up, he's going to be.

[Peyton Ruddy]

You know what, Tony?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are gay. I like it when you say it.

[Ari Shaffir]

You should.

[Royal Oats]

You should.

[Ari Shaffir]

You should call your new tour the 2026 and then we'll See tour.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You're having a heart attack and Chris is going to come out here and fail, saving your life.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Hey, guys, Lay off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Keegan, I do find it so compelling that I am going to get back into this line of questioning that I'd imagine you hate. But again, it's so interesting. And people. You know, maybe I'm playing devil's advocate here, but have you thought, because of what everyone will think every time they see you, of maybe, let's just say cutting your hair and changing your delivery or something like that? Have you thought about it? What? Can you take us through the process of being exactly like Mitch Edberg?

[Luis J. Gomez]

You said delivery. And Peyton's about to come again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Keegan Carmichael]

You know, nobody with nice hair ever tells me to cut it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, sure. But seriously, seriously, Keegan, back to the question. I hear you. That's a good answer. But I'm not saying to cut it. I'm saying, have you thought about getting away from the Mitch Hedberg thing?

[Keegan Carmichael]

Oh, I just like to write jokes, man.

[Ari Shaffir]

Try that joke. Try one of those jokes in a. Like a different style.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Yeah, throw the N word in there.

[Keegan Carmichael]

I can't do. I can't do that translation.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Telling you he's a funny guy.

[Redban]

And you're right, Tony, I seen interviews with you where you don't act as Mitchie. You act kind of more normal. So it's kind of weird to me that you don't understand that. It would be way better for your career if you do that.

[Keegan Carmichael]

Why would I do something that makes people stop talking about me?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh, interesting. Wow. Okay. I like this.

[Peyton Ruddy]

That's why I said throw the N word in there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Peyton Ruddy]

I'm trying to help you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, well, Keegan, I gotta tell you, great jokes, man. You are your own kind of thing, even though you're exactly like something else, but you are your own thing. It is something else. There's just no way to describe it. And if I just hated on it all the time, that would just be annoying. It would be dismissive of the fact that you have great premises and great jokes and a whole thing going on for you. Keegan, you know, I. I would like to have you on the secret show if you want. Look at that. What a turnaround. Thanks for looking up for Keegan Carmichael with me already. Yep. There you go.

[Keegan Carmichael]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes. Keegan Carmichael.

[Ari Shaffir]

Dreams do come true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This podcast is sponsored by Zip Recruiter. You know, I hired someone recently who was not only qualified, but also genuinely interested in the open role. And that really influenced my decision to hire them. They were eager to learn more about the job, and their excitement about the role made them stand out. If you're hiring, you want a candidate who's passionate about your role, but you can't get that insight from a resume unless you post your job on ZipRecruiter. And now you can try it for free at ZipRecruiter.com kill Tony Redback. Whoa, Tony.

[Redban]

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[Tony Hinchcliffe]

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[Redban]

Thanks, Tony. I think superpowers do some amazing things in the health space. Superpower gives actionable health plans. That's not affordable. It's super affordable.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Whoa.

[Redban]

Supplement recommendations. They got it. And prescription suggestions like peptides, lifestyle and behavioral adjustments. And you can even get your true biological age that you can track over time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Stop only reacting to health problems and start proactively improving your health based on real personalized data. Other testing services can charge up to 500 1000, sometimes more for similar or less. So make this the year you stop guessing about your health. With Superpower for a limited time, our listeners get $20 off to unlock their new health intelligence. Head over to superpower.com and use code Tony for $20 off your membership. That's Code Tony. After you sign up, they'll ask you how you heard about Superpower. Do us a favor and tell them Tony sent you to support the show. That's right. Go get Superpower. All right, we're going to keep it moving along. We're having fun here tonight. You guys having fun? I'm having fun. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Adam.

[Adam Malave]

I'm born in 2001. It was a great year for me. Not so great for lower Manhattan. Growing up in school, we had a kid whose birthday was on the actual 9 11, 2001. So every year, we would have that moment of silence at the end of the day, and the class would get real quiet, and then the teacher would break in. Boys and girls, on this day, we must remember that Francesco's mom brought Cupcakes. Oh, my gosh. Are those chocolate frosted? Because this is a day I will never forget. We actually had a twin in the class, too. Francesca the teacher would tell us. Boys and girls, I just got word from the office that a second tray of cupcakes has hit our classroom. A second tray of cupcakes has hit our classroom. It's really crazy because There was another 911 birthday in our school. Across the hall from us. There was another 911 birthday. A third tray of cupcakes hid over there. Really crazy. Is that classroom.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Hold on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go ahead now. I want to hear the end of it. Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

[Adam Malave]

That classroom was pentagon shaped. And there was supposed to be a fourth tray, but that one fell in the hallway on the way to the class.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. There you go. Adam Malave, everybody. An entire minute, 15 seconds. About the greatest tragedy in American history. Everybody.

[Luis J. Gomez]

We thought it was Francesca's mom that brought him those cupcakes, but it wasn't. It was Jews.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, the whole time it was the Jews. You'd be surprised on the original 911. That's how we also celebrated it. We had cupcakes ready. How do they have their cupcakes ready?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's check in with Pton. Ready down there?

[Adam Malave]

No gelatin. There was.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Is it just me? Does this guy not look and sound exactly like Mitch Hedberg to you? Am I tweaking over here? He looks a little.

[Adam Malave]

I got heroin in the back too, if you want.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Adam. Adam Malave. Why does it sound like you have the other guy's Adam's apple stuck in your throat? You have a little RFK junior to you. What's up with your delivery? I don't know.

[Adam Malave]

I've never. I've never felt too rfk, you know? Really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No one's ever brought this to your attention before?

[Adam Malave]

Someone told me I sound a little like McLovin, but I've never heard RFK before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

For. Am I the only one hearing the fact that he sounds like.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, you got it.

[Adam Malave]

Maybe a little raspy today. Sorry about that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You under the weather or something?

[Adam Malave]

No, no, no, not at all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[Adam Malave]

But, yeah, you clocked me as Jewish, so good job there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you Jewish? I am.

[Ari Shaffir]

I saw it right away. What did I say to you?

[Tom Frank]

Come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, he did.

[Peyton Ruddy]

He walked out and Ari leaned over. He goes, yeah, he's one of mine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Adam Malave]

Yeah. I play for the team.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Adam Malave]

Proud with.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Okay. Adam. Yeah? How long you been doing stand up?

[Adam Malave]

Seven years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Seven years?

[Adam Malave]

Where from?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

New York, Right.

[Adam Malave]

I took the train here, actually.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Very, very.

[Adam Malave]

It took three days, two nights to get here. I took Amtrak. You know, in Japan, they got high speed rail. I feel like in America, we have the opposite. And I feel like they try to, like, make the train slower on purpose. You know, the conductors, they take smoke breaks at stations.

[Luis J. Gomez]

They like, you're turning more into RFK as we speak.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Have you guys ever taken the Amtrak? I mean, what is with Those things

[Adam Malave]

getting 420 voice, so breaks are too long.

[Redban]

I'm gonna go to the snack cart.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'll be right back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Adam, what do you do for a living right now?

[Adam Malave]

Well, I used to do financial consulting, but.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. No way. You a Jill in New York York? Finances? Come on. No, on the train. No,

[Adam Malave]

no, no. I. I actually started the open mic website in New York called Comedic. I have stickers for you guys if you'd like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Hey, speak for yourself.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh. AR's going to resell the sticker. AR's going to resell the stickers.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Dayton.

[Adam Malave]

Thinking me empty my pockets. I'll give you.

[Ari Shaffir]

After you tease.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm sorry.

[Adam Malave]

Wait, what do I. I got something on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, relax. No one cares about your gay stickers. Let's keep it on the.

[Adam Malave]

I got a kiwi.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. It just blow.

[Peyton Ruddy]

It blows up.

[Adam Malave]

They didn't check the hoodie pocket. That's the one pocket.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They didn't put it away. I'm the only fruit on this stage. Let's go. There you go. I can do it to myself, you guys. Eat it up, homos. All right, Adam, tell us more about your life. Tell us something interesting about you that would surprise us.

[Adam Malave]

Yeah, I mean, the. I do stand up all over New York. I have a weekly show in Brooklyn. I started the open mic website again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We. You already said that.

[Adam Malave]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're so annoying. They just keep saying that. You keep. You just open mic. No one gives a about an open mic website in New York.

[Adam Malave]

That's fair.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you say anything other than an open mic website in New York?

[Adam Malave]

York? Yeah. I'm about to have my 69th body party.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Adam Malave]

My 69th body party.

[Ari Shaffir]

What is that?

[Adam Malave]

To celebrate my 69th body.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you explain that more?

[Luis J. Gomez]

I can't believe I have sex with 68 men. I don't believe it.

[Adam Malave]

No other way. No. But yeah. 69th body party. I'm very excited. Gonna be at the Brooklyn Art House May 23rd. You guys are all invited. Come by.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Are you for real?

[Adam Malave]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

You're celebrating almost 70 people you've had sex with.

[Adam Malave]

Yeah, I'm at 70 now, but yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right.

[Adam Malave]

And 15 of them are going to show up, so it's going to be nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Wow. So, Adam, tell us about that. What are your tricks to. How do you trick these women?

[Adam Malave]

I mean, I'm very like, enthusiastic, positive person, and I. I listen to sometimes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I swallowed a diamond ring earlier. You think you can get it out for me?

[Ari Shaffir]

Are you. I. I'm just looking at your eyes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you part Asian or part newt?

[Adam Malave]

No, no, no, not at all. People say I look like a young Mark Zuckerberg or like a Gen Z elon Musk. But then, yeah, other people think I just look like a bisexual awasian. So I don't know if that's.

[Peyton Ruddy]

I think you look like Mitch Hedberg. I think

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you got the berg part right. That's for sure. Yeah, yeah. Take that. Okay. Adam Malave from New York. Have you ever seen Adam before? You're a big guy.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I've never seen him and I hope I never do again. It's the last time I will ever hear this name. Now, you're. You're funny, dude. I can tell. You got chops. You're a funny dude. I. I really can't believe that 70 women have let you say you're 24 years old.

[Adam Malave]

24?

[Peyton Ruddy]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

First of all, I. I wouldn't let you near my finances. Yeah, you're a child. Second of all, I can't believe that in just 24 years you've been able to bed 70 women. That's crazy.

[Ari Shaffir]

I have a question. I have a financial question.

[Adam Malave]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

How much does a 70 pack of GHB cost?

[Adam Malave]

It took a second. I didn't realize what GHB was for a sec, but I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's what you put inside of the kiwi that you keep inside of your pocket. That would be cute.

[Adam Malave]

Adam, can I trade you a kiwi for the joke book?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I don't want your kiwi.

[Adam Malave]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here's the joke book, though. There you go. There he goes. Adam Aave, everyone.

[Adam Malave]

Thanks, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm going to keep it moving here. Bye. There he goes. Adam Alave. There he goes. All right. Little fist bump from the fellow Jew. There it is. When they see each other out in the wild. How about one more time for the lovely Heidi? Everybody clearing. Saging the room of all those Jewy 911 jokes we just heard. All right, this looks like a fun name. Put your hands together for your next bucket pool. It's Royal oats. Royal oak.

[Royal Oats]

Yeah. I don't know if you could tell by looking at me in the cleavage that I'm showing right now, but it's a lot of muscle up under here, right? And you know the first thing they say about people when they got muscles, right, Is they on steroids. And I don't have a problem with steroids because steroids is cool, right? I have a problem with what they say about people on steroids, right? Like this one trick tried to come at me, and she was like, I know you're addict and shriveled up to this small because of all the steroids you use. And I had to correct her, right? I was like, first of all, bitch, it's not your dick. They say it's your balls, right? And I've never had sex with a woman when she get home. I've never had sex with a woman. And she get on the phone with a homegirl the next day, and she's like, hello? She's like, hello? She said, hey, bitch, what you doing?

[Wee Man]

Nothing.

[Royal Oats]

What you doing? Going nothing. Did you royal.

[Keegan Carmichael]

She said.

[Royal Oats]

And did she? How was the dick? She said the dick was good, but she said, but what? She said he has small balls, right? I'm talking about ball so small, you could have went to Vegas and shot dice with the okay, right? She said, here I am being all right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was there more there? Royal oats. Let me finish it. I'll let you finish it, all right. I'm sorry. Royal sorry. Royal oak. Your honor.

[Ari Shaffir]

Let me finish.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your honor. Please let me finish. Your honor, you giant black man. Finish the joke.

[Royal Oats]

Let me finish it. She said. She said, here I am being a freaky bitch, trying to get teabag, and this nigga brought salt and pepper packages. That's the end.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, There you go. Royal. Yeah. Hell, yeah. Welcome, welcome.

[Royal Oats]

Appreciate it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. First of all, congratulations on beating Brock Lesnar at Wrestlemania. Second of all, welcome. How long you been doing standup?

[Royal Oats]

I've been doing it for 10 years, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where at Atlanta or Florida?

[Royal Oats]

I'm from Tulsa, Oklahoma.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. I would not.

[Royal Oats]

I'm the only there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell. I was going to say, you see him now. Exactly what I was going to say, Tony. Yes. I was going to use those exact words. You go ahead, tell me whatever you want.

[Royal Oats]

I want to tell another joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what? I'm gonna let you do it. Spotlight, give him the spot.

[Royal Oats]

Pino, give me the goddamn spotlight. Listen, white people, I love holidays, man. I really do. My favorite holiday would have to be no doubt St. Patty's Day. You get to run around wearing green, pinching people on the ass and saying Irish shit like Conor McGregor. Conor McGregor. You know, lucky me Charms. I don't know. I'm fucking racist, right? My second favorite holiday would have to be, no doubt, Cinco de Mayo, right? That's when Mexicans get together, sell cocaine and kill each other. Trust me, I seen four seasons of the Narcos. I know exactly how this shit works. The problem I have with holidays is black people don't have any cool holidays, right? You know, when you think about black holidays, what do we have? Martin Luther King Day. And what is Martin Luther King Day? A bunch of niggas running around the cold with sweaters on with Martin Luther King face on it. Y' all white people don't even show up for that shit, right? And then our other holiday is Juneteenth. Like, my man, if I was to ask you, what Juneteenth, what would you say? Nigga, that's the day they freed the slaves. All you know is the bank is closed. Okay, So I have a suggestion, right? I have a tattoo to suggest a holiday that I think that black people would love. Okay? Right. Let me show y' all right now. Oj day, right? Is this not Kill Tony or what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, shit.

[Royal Oats]

Could you imagine that? Running around with knife, skirt white, half to death.

[Ari Shaffir]

I'm here.

[Royal Oats]

Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, you're here. Here, you're here. I got a lot of notes. I don't think it's okay to pinch people on the ass on St. Patty's Day. I'm pretty sure you're committing.

[Royal Oats]

I think that's the rule, ain't it? Where the Irish people at? You piece them on the ass, they don't have Greenoff. That's the rule.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't do the ass, though. You just pinch them.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Can I have my wallet back?

[Ari Shaffir]

Hold on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Royal, Royal, Royal, Please don't take anything out of the wallet.

[Royal Oats]

Please. The ain't got no money in there anyway.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's tied up.

[Royal Oats]

It's a fake robbery.

[Peyton Ruddy]

It's. It's in savings.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He. He has. He's fully invested in Chipotle. All right, Roy. Royal, you just interrupt whatever you want. Perfect.

[Royal Oats]

Let me pick my jacket up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. Okay. All right.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Royal, if I gave you $200, would you be willing to. My girlfriend in front of me?

[Royal Oats]

Yes, as long as I can open for you the next night.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, yeah, you can.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You can. You can headline the show. To be honest, I'll open for you,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Royal Oats this Is amazing. So let's talk about the OJ Tattoo too. Yeah, cuz that really go there too.

[Royal Oats]

It's the knife, the Bronco. I brought it all together.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He really does have the glove. The Bronco. I don't know if you're in on that. I don't know if that camera one can zoom or what we can possibly do, but it might be truly the most diabolical tattoo I've ever seen in my 41 years on planet Earth. Again, all we're looking at, all we're applauding is the tattoo. The body is just okay. But I'm sure you work hard at it. Trust me, I know. I stare at black muscular men all day when I'm not here. If you're wondering what I'm doing, kiss oj huh?

[Royal Oats]

Tony, kiss oj.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Royal, it's not your first time

[Royal Oats]

kissing a black guy, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Chill the out. I'm taking back over here. How long you been doing stand up?

[Royal Oats]

10 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

10 years. What do you do for work? Exactly. Exactly.

[Royal Oats]

I mostly try to post my dick on only fans hoping a bunch of gay dudes subscribe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uhhuh. But how do you make money?

[Royal Oats]

I do Uber. I do Uber.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Royal Oats]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Have you ever thought about combining those two things?

[Royal Oats]

Uber on the something there. I liked it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You say you do Uber, but from the looks of you, it looks like you do lift.

[Royal Oats]

Yeah, I love to live, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very good.

[Ari Shaffir]

I love to live positive, positive joke. I won't be go.

[Peyton Ruddy]

There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. So you do Uber and Uber eats. Do you do all the Ubers?

[Royal Oats]

Just Uber. I don't really.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of car do you have? What are you picking people up? And I got it.

[Royal Oats]

I got one of those electronic Ubers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was going to guess you're a piggyback Uber driver. They're all different types where you order an Uber and they give you a piggyback ride. Okie dokie.

[Peyton Ruddy]

You know what they say, Tony. If the joke doesn't hit, you must acquit. That's what they.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's true.

[Royal Oats]

If I had a wallet, I'll give it to you for that one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Royal Oats, an incredible. You took a real stab at it here tonight. What else would surprise us about your life, Royal Oats?

[Ari Shaffir]

Everything.

[Royal Oats]

Everything about my life is crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of women are you into? How big of white women are you into exactly?

[Royal Oats]

Size depends on the woman.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, if we put a woman wig on Peyton right now, how hard

[Royal Oats]

I. I can get a bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uhhuh.

[Royal Oats]

I can still Get a bad. I got a little love left in me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. But what do you settle for is what I want to know.

[Royal Oats]

I don't know, man. It's depend on what. What time of night it is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. You know, I like that. Hell yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

If I had one critique

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

of your

[Ari Shaffir]

act, it's just like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, the.

[Ari Shaffir]

The. The premise of the. Of the. That having small balls is bad. I didn't care for it. Think having small balls is some of the most powerful things you can have.

[Royal Oats]

Would you rather suck big ones?

[Ari Shaffir]

No, but I'd rather have big ones. And.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Or is huge balls big balls?

[Royal Oats]

Not to get in the way of big dick, crazy balls. It sounds like extra work for a woman.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can't believe I'm about to say this, but enough talk about balls and dick up here. How many times have you been pulled over in Tulsa, Oklahoma?

[Royal Oats]

Oh, my God, 183 times.

[Ari Shaffir]

When they pull you over, do they

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

go, I thought we got them all.

[Sir John]

Yeah.

[Peyton Ruddy]

This tattoo. This tattoo, it's actually you handing the cops your license and roster.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Desert. Does it really happen a lot?

[Royal Oats]

I'll kick your ass for that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, does it really happen a lot? You get pulled over a lot in Tulsa?

[Royal Oats]

Not as much as I used to when I was younger.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Royal Oats]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you been arrested before?

[Royal Oats]

Of course.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Of course for what?

[Royal Oats]

Well, at one point in my life, I was doing life without in prison.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. Tell us more about this.

[Royal Oats]

So I got life without for a drug trafficking case, and the police end up being like, a dirty cop. So the shit ended up going back to trial, and they ended up giving me a plea deal that I took, and I was able to get out of prison again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Did you really commit the crime or.

[Royal Oats]

Yeah, I was definitely selling.

[Ari Shaffir]

Got me.

[Royal Oats]

They got me down. I was like, sid, right up, dude.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Life without. Life without parole. That was some crazy drug.

[Royal Oats]

Well, they offered me life, and they was like, either you take the life and do like 15 years, or we take it to trial. Like, you know, like, if I'm gonna wait 15 years, I might as well just take it to trial. And it worked out in my behalf by taking it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah. You saw the O.J. trial. He was like, I got this. They're going to be on my side.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Check in with our.

[Ari Shaffir]

You know, you're in the criminal justice system when you shorten it to life without.

[Royal Oats]

Yeah, straight up. I meant to be here. Yeah, I was meant to be here, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. So when you. How long were you in there when you got word that the prosecution was

[Royal Oats]

dirty I knew all. Not the prosecutor in the be. It was a dirty cop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sure. Oh, that's what. Sure.

[Royal Oats]

So I knew all the time that he was a dirty cop, but it was like three years before they actually took him to trial.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, amazing. Peyton Ruddy.

[Sir John]

Why, man?

[Peyton Ruddy]

Great. Till they gotta be great. I had nothing on that one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Royal Oats. I mean, the set was just okay. But I love your interview.

[Royal Oats]

You missing out on some things you

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

want to do more.

[Royal Oats]

So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm just kidding. I'm not giving.

[Royal Oats]

I want you to know, like, I don't know if you ever seen me. Like, I was viral on the Internet for. I had a fight at a comedy show where a dude ended up getting. I ended up hitting the dude with a microphone. Oh, yeah. Like. Like, it was like, really crazy, man. Big fight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Ari Shaffir]

You hit a comic with a microphone?

[Royal Oats]

No, I hit a fan. I hit like a crowd guy. He came up to the stage.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What exactly.

[Wee Man]

You can look it up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's like, I believe it. We're not going to look it up right now. What. What can describe it? You have a microphone. You're a professional.

[Royal Oats]

I had a microphone. And I'm telling jokes, right? And I hear a guy booing, right? So I look in the. I look out on the stage like, okay, well, you're booing. I can roast, right? So when I look at him, I'm like, oh, you look like Jaheim 2001. Put that woman first outfit on, right? So I'm thinking, he's going to come back with another roast. He was like, you getting. And I was like, it sucks, doesn't

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

it, when that happens? And the co op fucking goes crazy. It's a loophole in the system and I'm sick of it. That happens to you too, did it? Did you know what? You and I should have dinner and talk about this. Get out of here. Royal Oaks. Great appearance. Great interview. Great tattoo. We love his set tattoo. It's a great tattoo. Very funny. All right. This is a hoot. Nanny of a show. I love it. Oh, my goodness gracious. Every time Heidi leans over our Ari, he gets a full two and a half inches erect.

[Orhun Tamor]

He's son of a.

[Ari Shaffir]

You know, I did, though. You know, I did know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, one word. Name your next bucket pool. Our first one word name of the night. Always interesting, these one word names. Make some noise for Sir Jan, everybody. Sir Jan.

[Sir John]

So my name is surgeon. I don't know if you guys can tell by looking at me, but my parents are brown immigrants and my mom, she wanted me to be a doctor so bad. She named me surgeon. It's fucked up, I know. So much pressure. Imagine being named after a job. But my name's kind of cool. My siblings, they got it so much worse. My older brother, his name is Engineer. Yeah. And he grew up to be an engineer. Cause he's a suck up. But my little sister, she has the worst name. I feel so bad for her. They didn't really believe in her that much, so they named her Abortion. Just to get real for a second. I don't know if you guys are still doing your New Year's resolution, but as of today I'm officially four months sober. Thank you, thank you. It's been four months since I last said the N word.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sir John]

Staying strong, staying strong. And for my last joke, I need you guys to play along with me. You know how this goes. Knock knock. My cat,

[Keegan Carmichael]

Leo.

[Sir John]

Oh, I was hoping I was at a minute, but I didn't get it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Sir John]

I sped through it. I sped through it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah, there you go. We were close though.

[Sir John]

What's up, Leo?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, check in with Peyton Reddy.

[Peyton Ruddy]

That's okay. I think that was a Mitch Hedberg joke anyway that you did.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I think Mike Gio difference between like Royal Oats who's like a real man and how much he came through the microphone and every other comic 10 is

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

like so yeah, it's been four months since you said the nword. But be honest, when Royal Oats just walked off by you with his jacket completely unzipped, you definitely thought about it. Am I right?

[Sir John]

After you, after you walked away.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right? Yeah, exactly. You don't want them reading your mind.

[Sir John]

Yeah, yeah, I'm staying sober. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sir John, how much time did you prepare your eyebrows for tonight?

[Sir John]

25 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that how old you are? Yes, sir, 25. How long you been doing stand up?

[Sir John]

Two and a half years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where at?

[Sir John]

Dallas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's where you live? That's where you were born and raised.

[Sir John]

I was born in Nepal, but I came to America when I was 6 years old.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Well, that set was Nepaling.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Sir John]

Damn. Sorry, I thought, I thought it was good. I thought, I thought Tony would like it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm sorry, I will say, dude, if that cat thing hit, it would have been a standing ovation in here.

[Sir John]

I, I, that would have been the

[Luis J. Gomez]

most brilliant moment in Kill Tony history.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But it was eight seconds of us staring at you.

[Ari Shaffir]

How are you planning on timing that? The guessing what 60 full seconds is while you're talking. That's a lunatic move. There's no way you get that?

[Sir John]

I've done it many times at comedy clubs in Dallas. There's 100 videos on my phone. Exactly a minute. I think I was. I thought, and they have a cat

[Luis J. Gomez]

sound at this comedy club.

[Sir John]

I do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've practiced that a hundred times.

[Ari Shaffir]

And after 96 times on your phone, you're like, I need more videos.

[Sir John]

I have two terabyte storage, so, like, I can just keep recording.

[Areola]

But yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow, Bragger.

[Peyton Ruddy]

I love how you were like, all right. I love how you're like, all right. How can I land this plane? A knock knock joke.

[Sir John]

Yeah, I, I. It's one of the most traditional forms of jokes, and I love jokes.

[Peyton Ruddy]

And yeah, back in 1932, maybe you

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

explaining to us a knock knock joke right now. Well, it's one of the oldest forms of joke.

[Sir John]

Why.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get the away from your scent.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Cross the road to get to his cat Leo.

[Sir John]

Eat up that chicken.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you really have a cat named Leo? Okay, so, surgeon, what type of brown are you exactly?

[Sir John]

I'm from Nepal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you are Nep. Nepalese. Exactly. Both parents. Are both parents. What made them move to Dallas?

[Sir John]

So we got the diversity lottery. Shout out to my mom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The diversity lottery?

[Adam Malave]

Yeah.

[Royal Oats]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Ari Shaffir]

They were white until then, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So it's like a Powerball or something.

[Sir John]

I think it was Reagan or Carter. They had this policy where 50,000 people from around the world. Nepal was selected around that side.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Talk slower. And into the tip of the microphone. Sorry, the other thing.

[Sir John]

Yeah, I need some.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck. Is going on over there right now. Yes. Okay.

[Sir John]

So my. My mom won the lottery in 2006 when there was a civil war happening in Nepal. And then luckily I was from a village. Literally grew up, like, taking a shower the same river that my grandfather did

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

and taking a shower in the same river.

[Sir John]

Like, as kids, we had like, a little, like, pump, pump thingy, but, like,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

we didn't jump in.

[Sir John]

I mean, it was like, for fun and stuff as a kid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yes.

[Areola]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go.

[Sir John]

Thank you, Ari.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. Welcome back. Very rare for a Jew to help a brown guy in any way.

[Sir John]

My favorite Jewish.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right, sir John. Go ahead. So you were showering in a river with a water pump. This is incredible. That's how. By the way, that's how Peyton gets butter on his toast in the morning. All right. That sucked.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Hey, why did the chicken cross the road?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

To get into your rotisserie.

[Sir John]

You were.

[Wee Man]

You're falling from.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I was gonna say you ruined my setup. Sir John, go ahead.

[Sir John]

So, yeah, I was born in a village, like literally in Gitanagar Village. And then I came to America when I was six years old. I bought a car and a plane within the first time. Within the same week. Right. I came to America in Dallas, Texas. I lived in Irving and then now I live in Euless. I mean, my first job was Water Burger. I feel like I'm a Texan even though I'm an immigrant. Right. I feel like America, like immigrant is land of immigrants. And I feel like I'm very Texan even though I was born.

[Luis J. Gomez]

This audience hates this. They're like, you, dude.

[Sir John]

Am I? Am I?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're building momentum. We're building. Lewis refuses to let anything build. He's from the Legion of Skanks where they interrupt each other every five seconds for no reason.

[Sir John]

Can I take my jacket?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Doesn't make any sense.

[Sir John]

Can't take my jacket off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You want to take your job? What are you gonna sweat? What are you.

[Sir John]

No, I don't sweat. I actually.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell me you have an OJ tattoo. This guy's got a 9 oh 11 tattoo. 100% deodorant. Okay, go ahead. Whatever you're doing, go ahead.

[Sir John]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The arms are less hairy than anybody would have expected.

[Sir John]

My ch. They. I have the hair on my chest.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, there it is. Yeah. Jesus Christ.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Wait, now that you got the jacket off, you're feeling yourself a bit do the knock knock joke again.

[Sir John]

Could I.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You really.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can I just come back out?

[Sir John]

We cut this. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sir John. So you said your first job was at Whataburger. What exactly is your job now?

[Sir John]

I work as a solutions architect for an IT company. So I just help find customers, find problems to technical. Like find solutions to technical problems.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. Ari Shafir.

[Ari Shaffir]

That's such a build up from Whataburger to that.

[Sir John]

I mean, this is why people. I've had a lot of jobs. Like I always work. I grew up like, you know, wanting money, so I always work and I started my way up and you know, I'm. I'm. I mean, hopefully one day I can be a worker. I can work here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where exactly? Like, right, you want to fix the neons or something? What are you pointing out?

[Sir John]

I. I can find a solution for that too, if you need, but I want to be on this stage. I've never done comedy in front of this many people. It's amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good for you, dude. You're doing it.

[Sir John]

And I was, I came today. I. I signed up since my 15th time signing up, I signed up once a month, every month last year, and I kind of like stopped coming this year, but it was 4:20 on a Monday. I was like, my driver license has a 420 on it. I gotta come.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What has a 420 on it?

[Sir John]

My driver license starts with 420 and ends with 69. So I think I'm born to be a comedian. I swear to God I'll bring it out. I swear to all my Hindu gods, I'll bring it out. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like your style, man. You're so genuine. And you're kind of like a sweet boy. It's incredible, right? It's like, you know, I'm just happy to have the opportunity. I started at a whataburger, worked my way up. I took a car and a train or whatever to get here.

[Sir John]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

He's kind of like you, Tony, if he's brown but had no confidence.

[Sir John]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Sir John, what's your love life like? I've been. Do your parents only allow you to date Nepalese girls?

[Sir John]

They did.

[Ari Shaffir]

Who have you been promised to?

[Peyton Ruddy]

They.

[Sir John]

They thought, they thought they wanted that. And then, I mean, I started dating this girl in high school on my girlfriend, high school sweetheart. We've been dating for eight years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Sir John]

So we've been still together. And my parents love her more than me, probably.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

White girl?

[Sir John]

No, she's Indian. So, like, I just, I just went south. The border. I was like, close enough.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's as close as it'll get.

[Sir John]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Up in Dallas?

[Sir John]

Yeah. I mean, the poly girls are probably all my cousins anyways. I was like, let me get a little bit less incest going, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I want to know what that sex smells like. It smells great in Indian sex.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God. I can't even imagine.

[Sir John]

If you want to join us, like

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

now. What are your. What are your. Good job, Redbird. Very good.

[Sir John]

That was good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is correct. What do your parents think about you doing stand up comedy?

[Sir John]

They were iffy about it and they were like, I mean like, you have like, good job. Why are you going out Wednesday at 10am 10pm to go to do an open mic. But I mean, they support it. They think it's like a. They don't really understand what it is and they don't understand, like what I really want. Like, like, like this dream that I have. But one day they'll understand and I'll show them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But in the beginning it was rough. And now you're even still today.

[Sir John]

My mom's like, why Are you driving through? I live in Dallas. I drove here. So why are you driving in the rain?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But.

[Sir John]

But I mean, now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's going to see in three weeks.

[Sir John]

I'm going to be on guilton.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's going to see. You're so deep into it. So deep. Is also the name of your brother.

[Sir John]

My. My brother's name is Nen and he's actually. My brother's name is Nuran.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm Surgeon, he's Lurin, and you're Surgeon Nean.

[Peyton Ruddy]

What is your mom? Dr. Seuss?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He actually is a doctor.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Yeah. It's one fish, two fish, brown fish, brown ground fish. You know

[Sir John]

I love fish. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah, Sir John, Keep doing the work, man. Work hard. Dallas has a lot of places you can get up, go to all the clubs. Keep working. Do it. Chase your dreams, buddy.

[Sir John]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go, Austin. Happy 420. Have a great show.

[Ari Shaffir]

He's such a positive guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, he really is. Especially for one of the brown people, you know what I mean? It's like the nicest terrorists we've ever had on this show. Speaking of immigrants that are living their dreams, this guy won a golden ticket a couple months ago. He is very funny and we're gonna see him right now. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the return, the third ever appearance, I do believe, of Orhun Tamor, everybody. Here he comes.

[Orhun Tamor]

This comedy bit is gonna lose its potency after a black guy. But I love fat girls so much. I love them. And you guys are looking at me like, is it the blowjobs? No, it's the love. I'm 33 years old. I am fine being the pretty girl in the relationship at this point. Like, I. Nothing. Well, actually, I've dated someone who. Whose boyfriend before me killed himself. That's the best. Okay, I'm not saying go find a girl and depress her boyfriend. I'm saying if you did, it would be worth the time. Because, dude, every time you're sad, you get a blowjob so you don't kill yourself. And it's like, not normal blowjob. Like, normal blowjob, you finish and then it ends. This one, like, if you come, you're like, I'm done. She's like, I'm not. She does it till sadness comes out effervescently. And that works with blowjobs, by the way. Blowjobs come, comes out, then sadness, then blood. If you keep going. So you gotta stop. You gotta stop between sadness and blood. But after a while, it's dangerous because it's like every Time. You're horny, you get sad like Paul loves dick over there. Okay, you guys don't read. You don't know who Paulo is, but good, good. I should have ended right before or tomorrow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good set. Welcome, Orhun.

[Orhun Tamor]

Good to be back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good to have you here. And you are originally from Turkey, correct?

[Orhun Tamor]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ari Shafir, what's your analysis process of Turkey?

[Ari Shaffir]

I think that's the.

[Royal Oats]

The.

[Ari Shaffir]

The life story of Turkey. If they had to do a movie about Turkey, it should be called Between Sadness and Blood.

[Orhun Tamor]

Oh, sadness and blood are not separate. They're together.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did I know you were gonna knock that out of the park? That is incredible. Orun, welcome back. What's been going on in life?

[Orhun Tamor]

Oh, you know, heartbreaks, good sets. You know, my car got vandalized in Houston.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us about that.

[Orhun Tamor]

I rented a car and I got the cheapest insurance because I was trying to save $17.84, and somebody vandalized my car because. And I told Houston comics, they were like, yeah, welcome to Houston, bitch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That does happen in Houston a lot.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Did this man happen to have an O.J. simpson tattoo on his. His stomach?

[Orhun Tamor]

I'm from Turkey, so O.J. simpson is not evil there. When you tell a woman In Turkey, hey, O.J. simpson, they said, yeah, well, why was she cheating? It's not as potent, but I appreciate your effort.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What type of vandalizing did they do to your car exactly?

[Orhun Tamor]

They, I think, took a big stick that. With a pointy end to the hood, and. Yeah, and they scratched it like they made it so. Because I was gonna go to a Mexican guy to get it fixed, but it was unmexicable. Like, it was too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Orhun Tamor]

Too much.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's funny because in Los Angeles, and I know you won't do this, but in Los Angeles, if you've got a dent in your car, you go to an Armenian guy. And I know, oh, I'll go to an Armenian guy, you guys.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Did the guy say, I Mexican fix this?

[Orhun Tamor]

No, that's. He just. He said stuff that was. I don't even know, just Spanish

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

amazing. So he couldn't fix it, but you tried.

[Orhun Tamor]

Yeah, yeah. He was also a comic. You can't. With these people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

For sure. Those people. Yeah, comics. That is.

[Ari Shaffir]

Let's get back to this. Insurance that didn't cover it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Our senior insurance correspondent, Ari Shafir.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, so you got insurance, but it covered everything but vandalism?

[Orhun Tamor]

No, no, no. It actually didn't cover anything. So basically the deductible was $3,000. Why are you making Me Talk about insurance, but okay. You're laughing. All right, cool. I'll do it. So there's a $3,000 deductible. If I paid $17.84 more, it would have been 500. Deductible? Yeah. Are you happy you asked? Is this a comedy corridor you're glad you walked into?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what I'm talking about.

[Sir John]

Some.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Or there's the team. We know. There you go. How was your set, though? Did you have a good setup?

[Orhun Tamor]

Oh, I had great sets. I. I'm the only person who did, like, 16 shows in seven days and lost money,

[Royal Oats]

you know?

[Orhun Tamor]

How much did this end up costing you in $1,000.40. Oh, no. $40 and, like, 60 cents.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. The sense. By the way, future reference scents don't really matter here.

[Ari Shaffir]

Not really.

[Orhun Tamor]

It matters to me and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And to Ari, by the way. It does. Yeah. Add up.

[Ari Shaffir]

They add up.

[Orhun Tamor]

That's why people survive thousands of years. Those scents, we make it count.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing, Oron. So fun. What else is going on? Anything else crazy we should know about?

[Orhun Tamor]

Honestly, I used to have a life before this. Now it's only comedy. Which life? I don't give a. About life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, you know, it's what you want.

[Orhun Tamor]

I'll play volleyball after I'm dead. You know, I. I want to do comedy, and it's been great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. You're doing a good job. Or who?

[Orhun Tamor]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm proud of you. You're living the journey.

[Royal Oats]

Thank you.

[Orhun Tamor]

I love validation.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you love what?

[Orhun Tamor]

I love validation.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Esther, John's other brother.

[Orhun Tamor]

I'm not being ironic, by the way. And every now and then, I need to be passive.

[Adam Malave]

It.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you got it. You're doing good, bud. You look good. You're killing it. Everything's good. Orun to more everybody. We're going to keep it moving along. Good stuff. Oron. He'll be back soon. He's a defending golden ticket winner. So there he go.

[Ari Shaffir]

You get with the golden ticket. Explain.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I don't know.

[Ari Shaffir]

Golden ticket, you get to what, Anytime you want.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, it's kind of anytime you want. It used to be, but now there's so many that you kind of leave. Ails and I look at things every week and see how many regulars we have and how many spots there are and usually can only squeeze one in based on, like, a rotation kind of of when the last one was. It's a good question that most people don't know about.

[Ari Shaffir]

So are they playing you off for your discussion about what they're saying? Wrap it up with music.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. It is crazy.

[Orhun Tamor]

That's crazy.

[Ari Shaffir]

That's a crazy thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know.

[Ari Shaffir]

Legitimate question.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very hard.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Has no sense of how hard he's hitting the drums over there. There it is. Yeah, it's these wacky earpieces so they can all communicate with each other. Can't hear us.

[Ari Shaffir]

Treat it like an.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They can be like, does anyone have a blunt? Be.

[Ari Shaffir]

Be Minor means pass it down.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll. There you go. Michael, you get to play on the drums. Every everybody goes by the name of Stephanie Ann. Everyone, Stephanie Ann.

[Stephanie Ann]

I just got out of a 22 year lesbian relationship. Not with a female. With a man who is a real bitch. Let's talk about it now. Men say things to me like, whose pussy is this? I'm like, I think it's mine. I mean, if this pussy at 45 and I don't own it, it better be a land contract or rent to own situation. Otherwise, please, everyone give me a dollar tonight to pay off this affirm loan. Okay? I've just lost a ton of weight with gastric sleeve surgery. For those of you who don't know what gastric sleeve is, it's where they surgically alter your stomach to only hold 4 ounces of food. But like, don't worry, boys, I can still fit 8 inches down my throat. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if y' all got that, but you know, we got a ruler in the car down the road somewhere. I don't know, Austin. I'm from Detroit. All right. Anyway, I'm done, I think. All right, cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

59 seconds. She had the timing that Sir John wishes he had.

[Ari Shaffir]

Nailed it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Stephanie Ann]

I don't know why I put the mic over here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, welcome, welcome, Stephanie Ann. This is your first time on the show?

[Stephanie Ann]

Yes, my first time in Austin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Welcome. When did you get into town?

[Stephanie Ann]

On Saturday morning.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice. What have you done since you got here?

[Stephanie Ann]

They did a show with a couple of my friends that are comics here and got really high because, you know, 420.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where'd you come from? Detroit.

[Miranda Meadows]

Nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been doing stand up?

[Stephanie Ann]

I've been doing stand up since the pandemic. I started doing like TikTok videos and then I started doing actual stand up comedy right after everything opened up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When did you lose all the weight?

[Dedrick Flynn]

Weight?

[Stephanie Ann]

It's been a 13 year journey. I've lost £350.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. That is, for those of you wondering, that is a Peyton ruddy worth of weight.

[Stephanie Ann]

Yes, yes. Yes.

[Ari Shaffir]

Well, guess what? You lost it. Red band found it.

[Miranda Meadows]

Yeah.

[Stephanie Ann]

Yeah. I also. I also lost the last 50 pounds with the help of Wegovy.

[Areola]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shout out.

[Stephanie Ann]

Yeah, I call her by her name because that bitch has been inside me for months. So.

[Ari Shaffir]

Hey, can I just tell you, that should not be the last 50.

[Stephanie Ann]

This should not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Miranda Meadows]

I'm working hard, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I rock.

[Miranda Meadows]

I'm gonna go on the Ari Shakir diet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Crack.

[Stephanie Ann]

Okay.

[Miranda Meadows]

You.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You crackhead. You crackhead Jew crackhead Jew crackhead Jew crackhead. For you, Louis. One chant per episode. Hayton, ready?

[Peyton Ruddy]

I just want to return to this real quick. I'm like 160. I just wanna. I felt like that kind of got. We skimmed over that real quick,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

bro.

[Ari Shaffir]

I have been crossing my legs this whole show.

[Sir John]

I.

[Peyton Ruddy]

That's because you're an old Jew, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Stephanie, you said you're 45 years old.

[Stephanie Ann]

I'm 45 years old.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I feel so bad. Women age. Like ari Shafir is 78 years old.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Stephanie. Let's talk about that. Was that true you were in a 22 year long relationship?

[Stephanie Ann]

Yes, I was married to. I'm actually still currently married, but we're separated. But I was married to my husband for 22 years.

[Royal Oats]

Black guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Okay. When did. When did the relationship end?

[Stephanie Ann]

It ended when I started comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

During the pandemic. During.

[Miranda Meadows]

Just.

[Stephanie Ann]

Just slightly after the pandemic. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. So what weight were you during the pandemic?

[Stephanie Ann]

What weight was I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ballpark?

[Stephanie Ann]

About 250.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

About 250.

[Stephanie Ann]

Yeah. I had lost the. The first amount of weight beforehand and then. And had my two kids. I have two boys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old are they?

[Stephanie Ann]

My oldest is 12. Going through puberty right now. I just fucking had to take a vacation. And my youngest is 10 and he is level three autistic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, level three.

[Stephanie Ann]

So if you need a den mother.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Isn't it interesting that he ended. The one that's 10, ended up being autistic?

[Stephanie Ann]

Yeah, that's why we cut that shit off right after that. No more babies after that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But I mean, mean, you're also using a bunch of medicine to lose weight during that time. Oh, no, no, no.

[Stephanie Ann]

I've only been on GLP for the last year.

[Ari Shaffir]

Just old.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, right? Just old.

[Stephanie Ann]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perfect. Are you.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Are you counting your son's weight and the weight that you lost?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, son.

[Stephanie Ann]

My son is pretty big for his size. Yes, He's. He's about.

[Ari Shaffir]

You lost a bunch of weight and then your husband then dumped you?

[Stephanie Ann]

My Husband then dumped me because I couldn't run away from a mini Lamour. Yeah. Yeah, he did.

[Peyton Ruddy]

I use GLPs, too.

[Stephanie Ann]

No, I dumped him, basically.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do? What kind of GLPs do you use?

[Peyton Ruddy]

I use Ginormously large pants.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

160.

[Peyton Ruddy]

100.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. So, Stephanie, tell us more about your life. I find you so intriguing. You seem like you're taking these jokes. You're laughing, and I love it. You're like a real comedian. This is great.

[Stephanie Ann]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us more about your life.

[Stephanie Ann]

I'm an insurance claims adjuster for like a union insurance.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you help a guy that rented a car in Houston, Texas?

[Stephanie Ann]

You know, I probably can't because I chose not to rent a car just for that fucking reason. I was like, no, thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nothing but trouble. So how did you get. You flew, obviously from Detroit.

[Stephanie Ann]

Yep, I flew from Detroit. What airline to your on? Delta, of course.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Course.

[Stephanie Ann]

Yeah, yeah. No, I'm a white woman. Come on. I'm not around.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That makes sense. We had to actually fly Southwest this weekend to Las Vegas. It's the only airline that flies directly from Vegas to Austin and back. So Red Ban and I. If you're wondering, even though I got choke slammed by the undertaker last night, my back mostly hurts because of flying Southwest this weekend. So it's absolutely incredible. Not kidding, by the way, Stephanie. So you flew Delta, you landed here, you had fun with your. How many comedians did you come here with?

[Stephanie Ann]

I just came by myself. I. I had a little meeting thing I had to do and then came here, so I just spent the whole weekend here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very cool. Meeting for work.

[Stephanie Ann]

Yeah, got it.

[Ari Shaffir]

You work at Alcoholics Anonymous?

[Stephanie Ann]

Yeah. No, totally.

[Sir John]

Totally.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. So since you have been broken up with your husband, you've been out dating. Are you on the sites? What's going on?

[Dedrick Flynn]

I've.

[Stephanie Ann]

I've like, dated a couple guys, but, like, honestly, I'm so busy with my kid, I'm kind of like. And you know what? People are like, train wreck, you know? So guys don't want to date you. They just want to you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So how's that going?

[Stephanie Ann]

You know, they.

[Luis J. Gomez]

They don't want to you. They.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Will you speak for yourself? Why don't you?

[Dedrick Flynn]

I don't know.

[Miranda Meadows]

Yeah, I don't know, bro.

[Stephanie Ann]

There was this homeless man outside and he was trying to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

To get it. His name is Royal Oats. And.

[Stephanie Ann]

Okay. I mean, this guy seems to like me. I think he's blind, though, dude.

[Ari Shaffir]

She's like 120 and spelt.

[Stephanie Ann]

Yeah, totally.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He'll feel it. You can't trick D. Magnus, by the way this guy reads that. Look at him laughing like. Tell him, Tony. Tell these Jew I ain't stupid.

[Ari Shaffir]

She's a Persian princess.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He will wrap his hands around that and be like, what The Is this 120?

[Stephanie Ann]

I'm a Hungarian gypsy, not a Persian princess.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. You were a hungry Hungarian.

[Stephanie Ann]

Yes, yes, yes. Hungry, hungry hippo.

[Adam Malave]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. No, Stephanie, you're great. What's the longest set you've ever done?

[Stephanie Ann]

I did do a 40 minute set once. It was a train wreck. Okay. Yeah, I was not ready, but. But I usually do about ten 15 minute sets here and there in Detroit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So how long you in town for?

[Stephanie Ann]

Just until tomorrow, actually. I stayed for this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Yeah. Got lucky. Yep. Did totally got lucky. Well, Stephanie, very fun. I love your style. I love your energy. Congratulations.

[Miranda Meadows]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You did it, Stephanie and everybody, we're having fun tonight. I like this episode. Episode. I love a banjo. Feel free to stay in here in America with us, please.

[Ari Shaffir]

I noticed. I noticed he didn't banjo when the black guy was up here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's that?

[Ari Shaffir]

He didn't banjo when the black guy was up here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's unbelievable. Yeah, the banjo. How about another hand for Winston Marshall, everybody? Make sure you follow him on social media. Great musician. He's got great takes on the world and stuff, too. A lot of common sense for a musician and for a person.

[Ari Shaffir]

Can I say Al?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Especially for a music break in it.

[Ari Shaffir]

But I saw him play with Big J Okerson.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

At Bonnaroo. Like, I don't know, 10 years ago. Years ago. You guys destroyed. Yeah, we all went. We're like, all right, let's check it out. And then we were confused. Converted in eight minutes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Amazing. Make some noise for your next bucket poll, everybody. It's Adam Beck. Areola.

[Areola]

I recently met a girl of herpes and, well, I think I'm in love. I mean, what are the odds? The first woman I talked to in months has aftermarket parts. It was kind of a surreal moment for me, you know, talking to a woman, but I really think she could be the one. I mean, think about. If I'm ever losing an argument, I can just pull the herpes card. Oh, sorry. We couldn't afford groceries this month, honey. Maybe if you didn't ruin my life by getting pregnant. Oh, and you have herpes, bitch. But, you know, I'm really considering getting herpes. Think about it. There's so many beautiful women out there with herpes that no one wants to have sex with? Well, almost no one. Sorry, red band. They want to not include you. I was like, wow, this is what black men must have felt like when they discovered fat white women. You got a whole category for yourself. Thank you. That was my time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, that was crazy. Grab that microphone. The hell's going on, Adam?

[Areola]

A lot of things, man. A lot of things.

[Ari Shaffir]

How you hand. How are you handling this? Herpes.

[Orhun Tamor]

Girlfriend?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not a girlfriend.

[Ari Shaffir]

She's struggling with it.

[Tom Frank]

Huh.

[Areola]

I got blocked in the. So you got blocked? Yeah, I got blocked.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What happened? How'd you get blocked? How was a chick with herpes like this idiot.

[Areola]

I don't know, man. She started talking to another guy at the bar. I was like, you know what? He can get it, not me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Areola]

And so I just passed it on. Well, that sounded bad. That sounded bad. I don't actually have herpes. It's just part of the joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whatever. Sure. So, Adam, how long you been on standup?

[Areola]

This is like, my first real time, so. Yeah. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does that mean exactly to you? First real time, what does that mean?

[Areola]

Well, I went to. I just. I went to one open mic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, sorry. Now. Now the question will be answered on.

[Areola]

The question was I listen to your podcast, man. Not cool, dude.

[Ari Shaffir]

You rule.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right.

[Areola]

So I went to one open mic in Fort Worth, and it was like I could walk butt naked and no one would have seen me. You know, there's no one there. And then. So that was a few weeks ago. Then I decided to come down to kill Tony because I had a Monday off of work.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Peyton, can I give you some pointers?

[Areola]

Yes, sir.

[Peyton Ruddy]

If you're trying to close, strong knock, knock jokes are. It's the best way you can end. It's one of the most classic styles of comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. So, Adam, here you are struggling through a set on the biggest show in the industry. Industry. Do you regret the decision? Are you looking forward? Is this something you want to do, like, for the rest of your life? How old are you?

[Areola]

Oh, 23.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so now answer the question from before.

[Areola]

No, I don't regret it at all. You know, I think failing will only make me better.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. I like that.

[Areola]

I love stand up, but, like, long term, I want to be more like a writer. So I figured if I just get into stand up, because I want to be a script writer for scripted comedy, and, like, I don't really know anyone in the industry, so I figured if I try doing stand up, hopefully get myself out there, maybe someone thinks I'm funny, maybe they'll give me a chance to, you know, just get in the writers room. Let me just learn.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Gomez, I feel like you're further away from that goal after this set. You set yourself back years just tonight.

[Chris Gerasimo]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now the people that would have hired you are like, I will never work with that guy.

[Ari Shaffir]

Buddy, I got to tell you, I personally know everyone in the industry, and I can put in a good word for you. Can you hold me up with somebody with herpes?

[Peyton Ruddy]

I think you're very funny.

[Areola]

Thank you.

[Peyton Ruddy]

And for the first time, you were pretty confident, and you were. You were. You were killing it. And I like your. Your honesty and vulnerability. Talking about your game plan. Most comics come up here and they're like, I don't know, I just. And you had, like, you know, all these things. So I admire.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Completely agree with Peyton here. For 23 years old, it's an amazing start. It is kind of always weird to start here, but you're 23 and have a lot of time ahead of you. This is a good time to start. Ari Shapir, was there any thought before

[Ari Shaffir]

you went on stage today of not wearing shorts on a 57 degree day?

[Areola]

Well, I live in Fort Worth, and it was sunny there, and, like, I don't check the. I just. I don't check the weather. I just walk out and I'm like, if I made a bad decision, like, fuck it, I just got a man up.

[Ari Shaffir]

Fuck yeah, dude.

[Luis J. Gomez]

How many comics are Dallas today? Like, Dallas Fort Worth is like half the lineup tonight.

[Adam Malave]

Night.

[Areola]

Yeah, sorry, what was that?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Never mind.

[Ari Shaffir]

It wasn't about. It wasn't about you. It wasn't. It was a. It was just an observation for really no reason.

[Peyton Ruddy]

It's your first time doing standup, and your shirt says, not my first rodeo.

[Areola]

Shout out, Mike stud.

[Peyton Ruddy]

It indeed is your first rodeo.

[Areola]

Yes, sir.

[Ari Shaffir]

Fake it till you make it. That's what that shirt says.

[Areola]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Adam, before I let you go, tell us one more crazy thing about your life. You have any special skills or talents other than, well, anything at all?

[Areola]

I mean, I could try to trauma dump, you know, to get some envy, but I don't know.

[Dedrick Flynn]

What.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you have a crazy traumatic thing that happened to you?

[Areola]

I mean, who doesn't? I mean, my mom recently got canceled.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did your mom get canceled?

[Areola]

I don't know. It's kind of impressive to get that done in 2026, but go ahead. So it's kind of a. I'll make a long story short. So My birthday was February 1st. My grandpa's is February 3rd. And I had like a tweaker uncle who wanted to plan a birthday for my grandpa. He's like 20 years sober and the drugs still mess with him a little bit. So he's like, let's schedule a family gathering, get everyone together for my grandpa's birthday. I was like, you know what? My family's a little dysfunctional. I'll fade that and just stay here in Texas instead of going back home.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where's home?

[Areola]

California.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, go ahead.

[Areola]

And then so my mom, the family's all there and she's like, you know what? Screw this. I'll do what any normal person will do with a dysfunctional family. I'll go to the bar at 12 on a Saturday, you know, get a

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

midday fade in and then make the long story shorter.

[Areola]

Yeah, sorry. Yeah, sorry.

[Ari Shaffir]

They'll tell stories like a woman.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Dude, we need more detail.

[Areola]

They planted these ice protesters right outside the bar. And so obviously my mom has that 2pm fade in after the bar, you know, Cause family drives us all crazy. And she's walking out and there's these ice protesters. And you're drunk from the bar, of course you're gonna go talk to them. And she's talking with them. They get a little bit of arguments, you know, a little pushing and shoving happens and obviously they're recording it. You know, they're clickbaiting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uh huh. Keep going.

[Areola]

And they get in a little like argument, a pushing fight. And then they get separated. But they recorded it and send it to my mom's work. And they didn't renew her contract at her job type sh.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Prostitutes have contracts.

[Areola]

Red band. I don't know. You have the answer.

[Ari Shaffir]

Let me tell you. I have a storytelling show myself, so let me tweak that for you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

True. It's called the end.

[Ari Shaffir]

[e-mail] Tony Hinchcliffe is doing the final story ever done on my show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right.

[Ari Shaffir]

My mom was talking to these ice protesters and then all the other stuff. Yeah, you talked about your relatives. They never came back in the this y.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Ari Shaffir]

The bar. None of that matters.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The fact that the birthday is February 1st 3rd. None of it had anything.

[Peyton Ruddy]

What was that?

[Ari Shaffir]

The 1st and 3rd. I was like, okay, this is going to pay off.

[Peyton Ruddy]

It is his first time and it's

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

good for him to learn.

[Ari Shaffir]

Misdirect central.

[Tom Frank]

Sorry.

[Areola]

I like riding, so I just like oversharing, I guess.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It was a tweaker uncle, it was a grandpa. It was a whole cast of characters that never reappeared in the story.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Building out now.

[Ari Shaffir]

This takes place in a city I call.

[Peyton Ruddy]

You know what that sounds like to me, though? A future TV writer.

[Royal Oats]

That's right.

[Peyton Ruddy]

He's got characters, he's got an arc. He don't know where he's going with it yet, but at the end of that episode, we will find out why that chicken crossed the road.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true. Here's a little something for you to start writing. And there's a medium joke book for Adam. Thank you, Areola, ladies and gentlemen, Keeping it moving. Here we go. There he goes.

[Ari Shaffir]

Put me in a show. For real? Put me in a show. I need a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your next bucket bowl. Ooh, it's a show with. Oh, that's Keegan. This is Keenan. Make some noise for Keenan Womack, everybody.

[Keenan Womack]

What's up, guys? I'm Keenan. I'm from a military family. I'm very proud of that. My cousin is actually overseas right now. Yeah, he joined isis.

[Areola]

Yeah.

[Keenan Womack]

Now he's a viral star. You can find all his stuff on LiveLeak. I hear a lot of stories about students and teachers having inappropriate relationships. And I'm not gonna lie, when I hear that, I get a little bit jealous. You know, I think back, you know, I was a handsome guy. Why couldn't that have happened for me when I was a teacher? You guys seen Crazy Rich Asians? Anybody seen that? Yeah, they're making a sequel. It's called Crazy Poor Asians. It's about Filipinos. They're also making a movie about Hunter Biden. It's called White Lines Matter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, there you go. Keenan Womack. Some funny jokes in there. How long you been and stand up, Keenan.

[Keenan Womack]

About three years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're at.

[Keenan Womack]

I just did a show at Shakespeare's Next Door on Thursday. It was a lot of fun. Had a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I mean like the whole three years here in Austin.

[Keenan Womack]

Oh, yeah, in Austin. Yeah. So, I'm sorry, I'm not very good at answering questions.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, that's super smoothly, though. Yeah, for sure. What do you do for work?

[Keenan Womack]

I'm in sales.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you selling?

[Keenan Womack]

Well, if I told you that, I might get in some trouble. No, I'm selling tech. It sounds cooler if you say you're selling drugs, though. I feel like that's a lot more interesting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah. You're a funny guy. How old are you?

[Keenan Womack]

I'm 32.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

32?

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What made you start stand up three years ago?

[Keenan Womack]

Well, so I actually started in high school in Dallas. I started as an 18 year old, and then I got drunk for 12 years, and then I stopped drinking. And then I started doing stand up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. So, yeah, we started at 22 and have been drunk ever since. Yeah, yeah, I.

[Keenan Womack]

Well, I've actually got five years sober last weekend, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, congrats. Don't.

[Keenan Womack]

Don't clap too much. All right. Saturday is my cheat day day, of course, but.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Keenan, you have any special skills or talents that would surprise us?

[Keenan Womack]

Yeah, I can rip a drum set like. No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you serious? Are you dead serious? Are you? I'm going to be so pissed if you're with me. How long have you been playing drums for?

[Keenan Womack]

Like, since I was 12.

[Keegan Carmichael]

No way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Serious.

[Keenan Womack]

I played in more bands and done more shows music than I've done stand up.

[Ari Shaffir]

If only we had a fucking drum set here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And if only we had a running historical part of the show called a Mexican drum off. I don't know if you guys know how it works. Looks like some people drag their liberal girlfriends out with them tonight. So let me explain how this goes. Historically, on this show, if a comedian knows how to play the drums, they get to have a drum solo competition with the resident drummer. All time. Every resident drummer has won this competition. But if, if. If Keenan wins this, the rule, the house rule, is that he would become the full time drummer here on Kill Tony. And that Michael Gonzalez would have to go into tech sales. That's the big twist. They have to trade Dragons jobs, literally.

[Ari Shaffir]

Tony, I got to give a word of warning for the audience here. For all the women in here. You're about to gush wet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's simple. I think you know how it works, right?

[Ari Shaffir]

Keen, you got a napkin? Your table. Apply it now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And if you get too wet, remember, just look back at AR and suck it back in the. Cue it. Okay, whatever.

[Ari Shaffir]

Go ahead.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is a Mexican drum. All right. Pretty good. Pretty good.

[Royal Oats]

Unimpressed.

[Ari Shaffir]

Rest.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I would have gone. I would have gone a little crazier playing since 12. I would have really, like built up. Built it up a little bit. Told a story there that was just kind of. Hold on. This blonde bimbo really wants to say something. Let's hear. Let's hear from this. Let's hear from Hulk Hogan's ex wife for a second. What? What are you saying?

[Dedrick Flynn]

Michael Gonzalez.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, hell yeah. This has been pounding Miller lights. That are six empty Miller lights on this table. I love it. She's wearing a Kill Tony shirt. The other guy's got a Buc ee Buckeyes. I never made the connection that BUC EE's and Buckeyes are that close. It's Probably a brand deal. We could.

[Ari Shaffir]

That bouncer just told you something your boyfriend never would. Shut up.

[Sir John]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, ladies and gentlemen, here to defend his throne. I mean, if he.

[Chris Gerasimo]

If.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If the drumsticks break or something, amazing. He could lose this thing. This is Michael Gonzalez.

[Ari Shaffir]

Man, that was a close one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, the craziest part of this competition historically is that the audience decides. Make some noise. If you have Keenan Womb Mac winning that competition, throw that guy out.

[Ari Shaffir]

Throw whoever the clapped Mosad agent, throw him out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And how many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning? There you go. But, Keenan, good news. You're a very funny man. So you're leaving with a big joke book. You got that? There goes Keenan Womack, everybody. Funny man. All right, we're keeping it moving along here. We're gonna. We're gonna go a little. A little long tonight. Is that all right with you guys? All right. Your next bucket pool. Very interesting name. This should be interesting. They're definitely covering up the real identity, so we'll see what happens.

[Stephanie Ann]

Here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some noise for Phx98, everybody. The license plate. Here we go.

[Phx98]

Hey, Tony. I heard you were gay, Tony. No, gta, Tony. I'm like, no way, Tony. Anyways, Tony. You fuck with raves, Tony. Nah, for real. You fuck with raves, Tony. Shit, Tony. I think you my twin, Tony. You looking kind of thin, Tony.

[Areola]

Shit.

[Phx98]

Bring that shit in, Tony. Damn, Tony. I've been hitting squats 50 times. Every time I wake up working on my ass, Tony. So let me ask. Tony. You fuck with raves, Tony. Oh, that's my minute, man.

[Ari Shaffir]

They really do not like people mentioning Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, it's kind of nuts. Have you ever seen the show before or anything?

[Phx98]

Like three times.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then what made you want to do this here?

[Phx98]

When it. My friend said do it. It.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, well, hang on.

[Sir John]

I think.

[Peyton Ruddy]

I think I know what can help that set. Sir, grab the microphone. More time. Exact same thing. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't think it would really help. He didn't even rhyme. He just kept saying Tony.

[Phx98]

Not.

[Ari Shaffir]

Not Tony. With Tony, it's phony. It's. It's. It's Cony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, or Tony. Bony, what was your.

[Peyton Ruddy]

What's the name again? I'm sorry.

[Phx98]

98.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Is that.

[Keegan Carmichael]

What was.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Is that the number above your cell or something or.

[Phx98]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you. Are you a rapper?

[Phx98]

Yes, unfortunately.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Why do you keep on doing this?

[Phx98]

I mean, it's a distance from the mic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. All right. Okay. There you go.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You bummed everyone out.

[Ari Shaffir]

You walked a guy.

[Luis J. Gomez]

The guy's leaving to kill himself right now. Dude, that guy's going to kill commit suicide because of what you just did up here.

[Ari Shaffir]

He's gonna hang himself in the most beautiful world.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's just jump into it. You ever done stand up before?

[Phx98]

I have not, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you ever done anything on stage before? Rap? That's about it. Do you really rap? I For real rap? Yeah. Really?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where the is our drummer at?

[Peyton Ruddy]

Right here.

[Royal Oats]

Here?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, it's like, what are you doing? What? Okay, well, I'm glad. Glad you're back. It's a real professional show and everybody goes pee fucking eight times an episode. All right. I want to see if you can fucking do anything because I don't think you can do anything. That's the gut instinct that I'm having. So even though this fucking whole thing that you just did sucks, I'm still going to give you a chance to rap for a second and then we'll decide whether we fucking edit you out of the entire episode. Because I can't have people thinking they can just be a complete piece of shit that just doesn't prepare anything funny for the minute. And then does this a little bit lighter because you guys are very loud. So there you go.

[Phx98]

Don't jump that ship when you see you inside one bitches want to flip like a brick no outcome out come truth when the income you but what they finna do when the cold let loose Peter Piper picked a couple peppers on the way Demons fighting why the legion gonna lead the way Look I won't get sprayed from a her slash agent I could use flows that I heard replace it Face it I can make words more fragrant Face it like a J Suzy blaze it hate it I would never fake shit, bruh. Bars got clever when the kid woke up Bars got clever from the neo jump hard got 7 when my up street punk trying to ride away Smile for the TikTok ho got laid found a on the Tik tok Chris watching

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

to stop you there I'm going to

[Peyton Ruddy]

stop you there N I was feeling that though.

[Ari Shaffir]

I I I I got some feedback.

[Adam Malave]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pton Pton.

[Ari Shaffir]

I get it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Peyton liked it cuz he thought it was a crunch wrap.

[Wee Man]

Hell yeah.

[Peyton Ruddy]

I got to say your brother Sir John is way funnier, man. I got to say.

[Ari Shaffir]

Can, can you just eyeball the spacing or do you have have. Do you have to do this? Like maybe this and then go. Got it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Imagine if you did that. You'd have to use your whole arm. Yeah, that's about Right? It's about right. Yeah. PHX98. There you go.

[Dedrick Flynn]

You man,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

put the mic in the mic stand. Phx98. There you go. There he goes. Phoenix checks 98, everybody, one more time. There you go. Thank you. You're welcome.

[Ari Shaffir]

Tony, you made him leave. Like someone who got fired at a high level business. Yeah, that was. That was so cool where like I put that mic in the mic stand. Okay. I talk to you over here for a second. That was so you just offset any problems there. That's a criminal that you're like, won't be today.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Yeah, that was nuts.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's crazy.

[Peyton Ruddy]

You really said, go ahead and clock out for me if you could. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

People watching at home, please don't sign up for this show without preparing a minute. It's like a psychotic thing to do. And I don't respond to you during your one minute long set. So if you're asking me questions like, do you like Graves? I will not answer. And the entire panel has been instructed, instructed to not respond or interrupt the minute either. So you can't really play off them. You have to really try to really try on this show. Just for a minute.

[Ari Shaffir]

He tried with a handshake, but he left it way over there. He was like, yo, what's up?

[Luis J. Gomez]

No.

[Ari Shaffir]

Okay.

[Tom Frank]

All right.

[Ari Shaffir]

Anyway, Tony, I've been having a good time. Tony. This has been a fun show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're having a good time. We have another bucket pool. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for. We know this young lady, Comedy Store door girl. Big, very funny person. Make some noise for Miranda Meadows, everybody. Miranda Meadows.

[Miranda Meadows]

When I finger my girlfriend. On her period, dude, my finger goes in like this and it comes out like this. And when I'm done with ursa be crepe walking away. When I was a kid, I used to have nightmares. And I'd pee the bed. And recently I found out I'm a squirter. So I think back to those times I had nightmares and I'd pee the bed and I realized, oh, I was just sleeping next to my uncle. The uncle that molested me taught me a lot. He taught me how to roll my Rs so that when I got older, I could say rape. I was molested in the state of Michigan. He touched me here. I've been Miranda Meadows.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck yeah, Miranda Meadows. We know Miranda. She's like a distant little sister to us over there at the Comedy Store, holding it down. Great energies. Always there and on stage. Luis J. Gomez.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, Miranda. You remind me of my niece, which is kind of Ironic.

[Miranda Meadows]

Wait, wait, wait. I would much rather you have molested me than my ugly ass. Uncle

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Miranda. Remind us all, how long you been

[Miranda Meadows]

with stand up again on the 25th it'll be eight years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Eight? Hell yeah. Always fun. A true. You still work in the door at the store?

[Miranda Meadows]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice. You ever wear that red vest I left you? You?

[Miranda Meadows]

Yeah. Yes. When it's cold.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Miranda Meadows]

I wish I brought it here. I packed horribly for this trip.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It happens. This weather here is very wonky somehow. It was 100 degrees in January. And cold and rainy right now. Very bizarre. For those of you that care about the weather here in Texas, boys. It hot out here.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Ari certainly cares about the weather. He controls it. So.

[Miranda Meadows]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You Ari give. Why would you do this to us?

[Ari Shaffir]

Ari said it was too hot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't.

[Ari Shaffir]

I wanted to make sure everybody came inside for the shows. Miranda, you work the door still?

[Miranda Meadows]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

You know, you're the. I guess me, you, Tony, we've all done the same job.

[Miranda Meadows]

Oh, that's cool.

[Ari Shaffir]

Are there any.

[Miranda Meadows]

I'm the only one that can find the clit out of all of us, but.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. How dare you. Right there. Right there between the balls and the penis. We know where it is. That's the part they really like. Miranda, what else is going on in life, you know?

[Miranda Meadows]

Big ballin', scissoring it up. Fucking bitches getting money.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you had this girlfriend for?

[Miranda Meadows]

2 and a half years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

2 and a half years. Now normally lesbian relationships last that long.

[Miranda Meadows]

I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is your trick to keeping everything steady? You've been with her two and a half years. So I'm guessing you've lived together for two for three years.

[Miranda Meadows]

No, she doesn't want to live with me yet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Why do you think that is?

[Miranda Meadows]

Probably because I'm too good at the bedroom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Or because you dress like a conductor Trained.

[Miranda Meadows]

I'm dressed like the best eater in Aus. Goddamn it.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh yeah.

[Peyton Ruddy]

No, they weren't eating much over there, I'll tell you that.

[Miranda Meadows]

Exactly why had to eat,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

dress like that. You clearly don't eat. You also chew. Chew

[Peyton Ruddy]

all the live long day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. Do you really scissor? Is that a real thing? I find it to be so strange. One of the funniest things in all of any sex. It might be funnier than anything gay dudes do. But I mean like bouncing your off of each other.

[Miranda Meadows]

It's really hard. Honestly. At the end of it my knee just ends up up there and it's. It's really hard. It doesn't feel good and when it does, it's two seconds and it's over.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Real ballpark. How many is there like a ballpark of how many times a year if you had to guess that you guys bounce your off of each other. I have to know, cuz it's just hilarious.

[Miranda Meadows]

Honestly. Not this year we haven't this year. Yeah, last year a few times.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Business was booming. Last year was scissor.

[Ari Shaffir]

What's their normal 69 in?

[Miranda Meadows]

I mean we call it 45 and a half, but it's just sucking each other's tits.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Girls can't really 69, can they? So a little bit, yeah.

[Miranda Meadows]

It's a neck crank, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Seems like it's possible almost. It seems like one would be kind of. You would have to like loop your arms back and one would be like

[Redban]

kind of up to you, legs down

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

on the back of her head. Yeah, it's almost like a. It's almost like a Scots. It's like a Steiner recliner. From Scott Steiner, the brother of Rick Steiner, the father of Bron Breaker.

[Redban]

Either of you have like extended labias? You could stretch it out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, good question. That's a good question. Is over the line. That is a crazy question to ask and it's disrespectful to women on the show. Do any of you have extended labia?

[Miranda Meadows]

I mean, it's probably easier 69ing as a two men. You'd probably know a lot about this, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. No, it's true. It's very true. 69 in with two men works depending on the height of the other man. Okay. How many. If you had to guess how many toys you have between the two of you? I always find that intriguing about true as well. Because it takes so many things to replace one penis. I'm interested to hear, I'm interested to hear how many toys?

[Miranda Meadows]

Yeah, you want to take a guess?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm going to guess 14.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, I'm going to guess one train set.

[Miranda Meadows]

It is one. And it is a nicely sized green dildo. He can see in the dark.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I imagine at night when you guys go to bed, it comes alive like Toy Story. It's just like me, literally.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is it two sided? It's just a one sided dildo. You guys ever do a two sided dildo like out a requiem for a dream or anything?

[Miranda Meadows]

No. That shit scares me. Right, because you can't feel it either way. I mean.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, wait, wait.

[Miranda Meadows]

When it's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, what, what, what?

[Miranda Meadows]

Okay, wait, no. I've had sex before. Guys, I swear, I swear I'm bisexual, if you believe it or not. No, I've never done a two sided dildo.

[Ari Shaffir]

Have you ever had sex? Have you ever had, like a threesome with another person who's going to hell?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Because if not, Ari's happy to join you and your girlfriend.

[Ari Shaffir]

I've heard about text, but I. Could you teach?

[Miranda Meadows]

I have seen Ari's dick before while he's on stage, and I will say it's perfect size.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's also green. Like your favorite dildo

[Ari Shaffir]

said that it would go away on its own.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Miranda, you have the energy like you should have a slingshot and a frog in your pocket.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Yeah, you're a real Bart Simpson type personality.

[Ari Shaffir]

I mean, I'll pat your fence for your apple.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Correct.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Instead of eat my shorts, you're like, eat my pussy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Miranda, you are just fantastic. We love your energy. Great jokes. My favorite appearance on your show, on this show so far in the history.

[Miranda Meadows]

Thank you, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Of it. You're just great. We love you and we will see you when we come to Los Angeles for the dome in just a couple short weeks. And we love you. Here's a big joke book just for fun. There you go. Let's go. Hell, yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

She may be gay, but she catches like a girl.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what? I just.

[Sir John]

I have. I have.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm gonna bring somebody out who specializes in eating pussy, believe it or not, because he can do it. Wow. They're both standing up. Ladies and gentlemen, just here to say hello, an old friend of the show, former panelist, who's just swinging by in town. Make some fucking noise for one of your favorite stars from the hit movie Jackass. And the new Jackass is coming out June 26th. Jackass the best and last, ladies and gentlemen, just to say hello. Make some fucking noise for Wee man, everybody. What's up, brother?

[Wee Man]

How you doing, Tony?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome, welcome.

[Wee Man]

How you doing, Red man, we man.

[Luis J. Gomez]

This is not Preston Lacy.

[Wee Man]

This is Preston Lacey and Ice Child.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Oh, my God, it's that last chick's double sided dildo.

[Wee Man]

Am I huge? Yeah. But I'm not green. No, no, no, no, no, no. You're not 160, by the way.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Yeah, well, you're 160 centimeters, buddy. So.

[Wee Man]

This way?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. I love this.

[Wee Man]

By the way, lesbian 69 is L7. Oh, L7.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like that. Wee man, welcome back to the Kill Tony universe. We've missed you. You've been out in la. We accidentally abandoned everybody out there. You did? Yeah.

[Wee Man]

It's all right. You abandoned your favorite neighbor, too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And he said Absolutely, yeah. The great Rick Kosik, one of the more famous. The famous cameraman for all the Jackass movies, and I were extremely close next door neighbors for a long time. We had a very home Improvement like relationship. His head would come up to my fence and I would be out there obviously chain smoking and writing and whatnot. And. And we would talk every day. We'd go to the farmer's market. We all would get some chili cheesesteaks.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Tony, you're not gay at all. I said you're not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not if you saw Rick Kos, you would know it was not a sexual relationship.

[Wee Man]

Come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, I would totally, Rick. Absolutely.

[Ari Shaffir]

I've seen that guy barf on film more than anyone in the world.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's hilarious. And we love Rick. We're all very good friends with them. We man, this movie is coming out June 26th. I've heard so many great things about it. We all know that. I am a massive fan. I've always said there's only two. Two funny things left in this world, and that is Jackass in South Park. We are so excited, so excited to. To see it. What. How did you. How do you feel about what you guys got on film?

[Wee Man]

It's actually really, really good. This time we went right away in the beginning we went and shot for five days. That's it. We got 40 minutes. That's over half the movie in five days. Usually we take like six, six months and we take breaks and Knox is like, well, now that we're working at this speed, who knows what's next? Yeah, yeah, no, it's. It's going to be a fucking good one. And we went viral on Friday because we blew up the back of Simi Valley and there was like a family park and everybody's like, oh, shit. There was two explosions and okay, we're going to hear helicopters soon. And all of a sudden it was nothing because we had all the cops in fire department. They all knew we were going to blow shit up. So they.

[Ari Shaffir]

Jackass started the fire in Los Angeles and like, hey, this is Jackass and we're destroying Pasadena.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. We, man, what else is going on in life? Anything else crazy we should know about?

[Wee Man]

Nothing crazy. I just got a old Canon Elon film camera and I started taking shots. And I have a photo show coming up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Nothing better than low angle photos.

[Wee Man]

Oh, yeah, double skin. Little cheers on everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Skirt pictures.

[Luis J. Gomez]

We meant that that's a GoPro.

[Peyton Ruddy]

He's like, and this one is a shot of ankles and this one is a Shot of ankles as well.

[Ari Shaffir]

Who got the most PTSD this year?

[Wee Man]

What's up?

[Ari Shaffir]

Who got the most PTSD this year?

[Wee Man]

Dave England. He shoved his finger into Zach's ass and he tore his. His middle finger. He tore the tendon right here in a butt.

[Ari Shaffir]

What in a butt?

[Wee Man]

In. Straight in towards tendon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And he had to go.

[Wee Man]

And he didn't realize it at first. We did this whole crazy bit and then he went. He goes, dude, I can't move my finger, guys. So he goes to the doctors and we're like, yes. And we're like, did you tell him?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Wee Man]

Out he goes, yeah, I told him. And the assistant. I shoved my finger up a dude's ass and broke it. And my first thought was the doctor's wife that night was like, so, honey, how was work? Oh, wait till you hear this one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I am hard as a rock right now.

[Ari Shaffir]

You know that dude? That dude is like. He's now going around Hollywood going, I literally have the tightest ass in la.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where can people see that photo show that you're doing?

[Wee Man]

It's at a small little venue called House of Danger in Costa Mesa, May 2nd.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice.

[Wee Man]

Gonna be fun. Awesome Drinks and burgers and low angle photos.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We love you. We man. Jackass. The best and last it's called comes out June 26th. You guys know what to do. Go have fun, smoke some pot and go watch a funny ass undeniable movie. A lot of our friends and former guests of the show, of course, are part of the cast. Basically. Basically everybody. I think everybody's been on it except for Knoxville, who was almost on it but lost to my. We had some crazy stuff going on that day. Had a little gig at Madison Square Garden the night before. Little something happened. We don't worry about that, though. It's all behind us. Okay. I mean, guys, what a episode we've had. And there's only one way to end an episode like this. And believe it or not, it's probably not how you think. William Montgomery is going through it. Ari, Maddie's doing extra sold out shows and Timmy, no breaks is recovering from a big fall at WrestleMania, which is available now obviously on Netflix. Kill Tony Mania went live. Yeah, go watch it. But ladies and gentlemen, I promise you, when I tell you that one of the most amazing regulars with the most potential and only a couple appearances under his belt is waiting right behind that curtain. He will be, if he's not already one of your favorite comedians in the world. Make some noise for the future, everybody. This is a new set from Pat o', Neill, everybody. Folks started doing that thing where you choke yourself while you masturbate. You guys have heard about this? The cinnamon challenge.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Fun times.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Last time I did that, I was watching some midget porn. At least I hope. Got a big porn crowd here.

[Ari Shaffir]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Most of you are either Amish or liars. It's fine, though. You know, watching too much of that stuff growing up, I think it gave me unrealistic expectations of women, you know, like thinking lesbians would be pretty rarely the case. I dated a Jewish girl once, ended up being a lesbian. The old double Ike. Court of the LGBT Jew. You know, the ancient Jews, as legend has it, they saw Jesus Christ at the last supper picking up the tab for 12 other dudes, and we're like, he must be God. We have to kill him. Okay, thank you. Unbelievable. I mean, he does this. This is what he does. That's clearly the fucking set of the night. The hardest hitting jokes. Totally. Almost made me take a spit take. I thought I could take a full sip of water while he was coming out. And the folks got me real good right from. Right. You're folks. You're. You just have a. You just have the beats, man. Let's check in with Lis J. Gomez.

[Luis J. Gomez]

First of all, you are very funny. That's unique and funny. Great jokes, but you do look like Pennywise in high school.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pennywise is also what Ari Shaffir calls his pocket still filled with pennies that he finds on 6th Street.

[Ari Shaffir]

So many out there. The snake guy, no one's looking at him. I'm picking up pennies right behind him. Dude, you have the most hair of a ball person I've ever seen in my life. You have a black widow's peak.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, let's have the third person tell me how ugly I am.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Peyton, it's not about how ugly they are. I'm just surprised how funny you are when you spend most of your time trying to reanimate dead flesh at your house. You're like Dr. Frankenstein, dude, your bedroom's just full of, like, you know, like, bubbling tubes and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, I kill ladies.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Yeah, I'm calling you a psychopath. Yeah, yeah, you get it, o'?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Neal? You are so funny.

[Royal Oats]

Rules.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. Crazy question. What's your writing process? Is it daytime, nighttime at a desk? Does it come to you and you write it on on your phone? Is it in the shower? Is it driving? Yeah, just like, all day. Yeah, Shower and driving.

[Ari Shaffir]

Lay down in an open grave and wait till it comes to you.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I feel like he writes all of his jokes by quote, clipping out letters from magazines and newspapers.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Yeah, there's a great spot. I go to write. I fly on in. I hang upside down by my feet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God damn it, Pat o'. Neal, I cannot stress enough how funny I think you are and how excited I am for you to be be a full time regular on this show. You did it again, buddy. You're amazing. Don't change a thing. Want to do it?

[Luis J. Gomez]

So Pat, you're great, dude. And we just announced that Skank Fest tickets are on sale today. How would you like to come?

[Ari Shaffir]

Let me just break it right now

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

and say that I am inviting you

[Luis J. Gomez]

myself to Skank Fest.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what? I would like to have you.

[Peyton Ruddy]

I would like to have you on the secret show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This.

[Adam Malave]

Hey,

[Ari Shaffir]

All expense paid trip. There's a suite that some named Dave Smith not using. You can have that.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, I want you at Skank Fest.

[Ari Shaffir]

To be honest with you, dude.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Peyton, are you coming to Skank Fest this year?

[Peyton Ruddy]

I was planning, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pton, let me be the first one.

[Ari Shaffir]

I am inviting you to Skate Fest. You are now a proud member of Skest Fest. You're there.

[Peyton Ruddy]

I was going. I didn't get in last year and. And then, then this year.

[Sir John]

Yeah.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Can you believe it? No. I'm going to be in in DC at the time.

[Luis J. Gomez]

So you're going to be in dc?

[Royal Oats]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

And doing shows.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Yes.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Cancel the weekend. Come party at Skank Fest.

[Peyton Ruddy]

What are you doing, dude? All right.

[Ari Shaffir]

Just asking for a week later.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

D.C. it's a hole.

[Peyton Ruddy]

Okay. All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Pton Ry is going to be Pat o' Neal's going to be be at Skank Fest and the rest of us are going to be at Skank Fest. Believe it or not, everybody. How about one more time for the great Pat o' Neal, everybody. Your soon to be favorite comic if he's not already. Make some noise for the great Louis J. GOMEZ Everybody. Skank Fest.com. for the final tickets to Skank Fest there's not going to be a Kill Tony. Just to make it clear. However we're all doing stand up and everybody shows story wars, all the fun stuff.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Well it's a 10th anniversary. You never know what could happen Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I do know what can happen

[Ari Shaffir]

did happen on the last time you did Kill Tony on Skank Fest.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did happen? Yeah, you took a on the stage

[Ari Shaffir]

and anything could and will happen at SK Fest. Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anything can happen.

[Ari Shaffir]

I'd like to guarantee right now Kill Tony will happen in stage it's definitely not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do not.

[Ari Shaffir]

You heard it here first Kill. Tony is hungry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what? There's gonna be two Kiltonies at St. Yeah, definitely not. However, there will be a Kiltoni at Madison Square Garden on Aug. 7 and Aug. 8. The Intuit Dome in Los Angeles and the Moody center on New Year's Eve minor arenas.

[Ari Shaffir]

You need to do it at 130 seat room at school gag first.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

130 would be, I think an upgrade compared to the rooms that we've done before. One more time for the great Ari Shafir, everybody. The end the storytelling super series is available now. Go to arisha.com guys. Boy oh boy, what a first episode. Perhaps one of my favorite first episodes time panelists of all time. I knew it Makes a noise for Peyton Roddy, everybody. I'm telling you, this guy's a freaking nature. Follow him on Instagram at Peyton Ready comedy. That's R U D D Y. And go see him live. Go to peytonreadylive.com his tour. My best work is happening now. Thank you.

[Ari Shaffir]

The DC show is being rescheduled as we speak.

[Peyton Ruddy]

That's right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you to our sponsors, Shopify, Talk Space and Ziprecruiter for this episode. One more time for Winston Marshall on the banjo joining us everybody. I love the fact that some of the best musicians in the world join us sometimes randomly on this show. It's so awesome, so crazy. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight. Just for shits. And oh, Shane Gillis.

[Ari Shaffir]

That goes my storytelling show the end.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's also on the storytelling show available@ar shaffir.com and he'll also be at skankfest gang fest.com Red Bam.

[Redban]

You know I just. Peyton used to work at the Sunset Strip and I'm so happy for you, Peyton. When you left Sunset it made me really depressed. But you could check out sunsetstripatx.com and find the next Peyton.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is true a lot of people ask me to do panel on the show and and when Peyton asked me, there was no hesitation whatsoever. Even as after that Lewis said he's coming in town and Ari said he's coming in town. I said I wanted to keep it three people because I knew Peyton would crush one more time for the debut of Peyton. Ready to the Kill Tony universe. We did it again. Go watch Kill Tony Mania on Netflix and come see us live in New York, la, aa, everywhere and life goes on. Good night everybody.

[Sir John]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

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