#748 - ARI MATTI + EHSAN AHMAD

Summary

Kill Tony #748 - Ari Matti + Ehsan Ahmad

Filmed at the Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX | December 16, 2025
Panel: Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban
Guest Panelists: Ari Matti ("Estonian Assassin"), Ehsan Ahmad ("Brown Bomber")

Episode Overview

This episode of Kill Tony, hosted by Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban, features guest panelists Ari Matti and Ehsan Ahmad—both Kill Tony "legends" and accomplished comedians with roots in the show. The night was a classic display of Kill Tony’s blend of raw comedy, unpredictable interviews, and raucous audience interaction. Comedians from across backgrounds share one-minute sets, leading to candid and often outrageous conversations on jobs, relationships, vices, diet confessions, and more. Special moments include the debut of Woody Harrelson's stand-in "Jedi," trans comic Alexa Irizarry taking the room by storm, and surprise glimpses into the lives of both rising and seasoned comics.

---

Key Discussion Points & Comedic Highlights

The Panel & Running Gags

• Panel Chemistry: Tony, Redban, Ari, and Ehsan bounce with irreverent banter and riffing, targeting each other, the comics, and the audience (notably a group of flashy "Gucci guys").
• Running Gags:
  • “Disgusting food confessions” competition between panelists and comics.
  • Overly detailed breakdowns of audience members’ attire and finances.
  • On-stage advice: how to handle the mic and own the room.

“You both know the show well… one of the best jokes of 2025, the famous Indian woman's vagina joke.” (Tony, 03:48)

---

Notable Sets & Interviews

Mason Bird (Golden Ticket Winner)

Time: 06:57 – 14:30

• Jokes:
  • Self-deprecating set on stalking, not being able to “catch” women, and trans identity vs. God.
  • Abortion "teardrop tattoo" punchline.
  • Follow-up: fired from Jersey Mike’s for lateness and sandwich theft (“I was always in the back eating cookies or mixing pop together”).
• Panel Discussion:
  • Fat guy food hacks (“Pizza: eat the cheese then the bread, feels like two slices”).
  • Parties with a party-size Doritos bag “Frito pie style.”
  • Panelists add their own: Brian’s “Olive Garden breadstick filled with Alfredo sauce.”
• Memorable Quote:
  “You said tacos and then listed the two most disgusting ingredients for tacos…” (D Madness, 10:20)
• Personal Confession:
  • Half-black sister addiction to keyboard duster.
  • Drug stories elicit more audience laughter and riffing.

---

Luke Aaron (First Bucket Pull)

Time: 15:20 – 28:31

• Jokes:
  • Wordplay on Lizzo, insults/turn-ons, and a “retard” punchline.
• Interview:
  • Only four months into stand-up.
  • Used to manage “Sully Steamers” in Greenville and worked a sales job selling windows and doors (awkward audience interaction with a Gucci-clad spectator).
  • Reveals strict religious upbringing, struggles adjusting to secular dating, and celebrating a three-month anniversary with a new girlfriend.
• Panel/Advice:
  • Ari: “Get the mic stand out of the way immediately, and hold the mic naturally.”
• Memorable Quote:
  “You have an older half-black sister. And what does this computer duster addiction... How is this affecting her life?” (Tony, 13:27)
• Comedic Tension:
  • Audience and panel openly deride his monthly gift ritual (“I bought her a necklace at one month…”).
  • Vulnerable, unintentionally funny interview.

---

Charles Adams Jr.

Time: 29:40 – 38:56

• Set:
  • Bachelor party story—throwing up into a stripper’s crotch while trying to tip her.
  • Indian customer ordering a “negroni,” mistaken as a slur.
• Life Update:
  • Security guard at Cap City Comedy Club; odd Domain-mall incidents.
  • Panel riffs on his weight, living arrangements, and food in his fridge (“baking soda”).
• Love Life:
  • Girlfriend’s DMs with "all-black" guys; “pimping her out” on FeetFinder; owns foot fetish.
• Memorable Quote:
  “You looked in her DMs?... Oh my God. Just looking for trouble.” (Tony, 36:32)

---

Alexa Irizarry (Trans Comedian)

Time: 47:50 – 58:55

• Relevant Set:
  • Thanksgiving with a Native American Tinder date.
  • Jokes on being trans: Taco Bell metaphor (“they want it drunk, then ashamed”), faking out “retarded” straight men at bars, and deadpan delivery.
• Long-form Interview:
  • Started in Cleveland, lived in Austin 4 years.
  • Past in porn (“I’m bad at sex—they flew me in on Delta, flew me back on Spirit”).
  • Addiction recovery (“six years sober from meth and heroin”), turning point was hearing John Mulaney’s special.
  • OnlyFans hustle (self-deprecating, “only one subscriber”).
  • Candid about trauma, rape, and perseverance.
  • Lampshades on trans stereotypes and internal squabbles (“Trans people best baristas? ‘No, those are non-binary.’”).
• Panel Reaction & Praise:
  • Ehsan: “You took over. Roller coaster comedian.”
  • Ari: “You’re a pure entertainer. Lived a full life, now you have perspective.”
• Memorable Quotes:
  • “This is my arch enemy, my Venom…”
  • “I only come when called a perfect f*ggot.” (~51:38)
• Impact:
  • Hands-down crowd favorite. Tony: “The trans woman stole the show.”

---

Dedrick Flynn (Show Regular)

Time: 59:41 – 69:09

• Set:
  • Riff on “The Blind Side” film – “They made that nigga retarded for no reason…”
  • Breakdown of Hollywood’s portrayal of Michael Oher.
• Interview:
  • Emotional: His and Ari’s comedy journeys crossed paths 7 years ago.
  • Celebration of his regular status—bought his mom an Uber for Thanksgiving.
  • Live musical performance: “Kill Tony” rap debut.
• Memorable Quote:
  • “K9s get ‘protective instincts.’ That’s not a test you give humans!” (Dedrick, 61:05)

---

The "First Timer" – Jedi (Woody Harrelson's Stand-in)

Time: 90:33 – 101:17

• Set:
  • Heavy on pedophile jokes and misdirection about "expecting a child."
• Interview:
  • Stand-in for Woody Harrelson for 25 years, close with McConaughey’s stand-in—a comedic vignette in itself.
  • Discusses marijuana store “The Woods” and set life with Woody and Matthew.
  • Reveals his love life: “Since June 15th, had my first Asian taco.”
• Tony’s Takeaway:
  • Warm, inside look at behind-the-scenes Hollywood + comic energy.

---

Other Memorable Moments & Comics

• Evan Quigley: Upbeat, sexual, and circumcision bits; wild tales of wearing an alcohol-detecting ankle monitor after a DUI.
• Sancho Pancho Villa: 5’1”, rotund, and candid; notorious “side piece” history, tales of bedding married women; discussed hotel trysts and post-game strategies.
• Mitch: Army vet with nerve damage/seizures, discusses dark relationship breakups, living with a cat (“Timid C III”), and recovery.
• Ryan Shields: 14-year standup veteran; jokes about “suburban gangs” and peanut allergies. Panel critiques his material and laughs about "Colonoscopy Brothers."
• Matthew Lor: Grew up seeing his mom top another mom; used door-guy access at Cap City to hone his act; confessed to “douchebag” life choices including an affair with a swim coach while married.
• William Montgomery (Regular/Closer):
  • Performed new “one-liners”; riffed on being bald and organizing thousand-piece puzzles.
  • Planned to booby trap a FedEx worker with rope and mud balls (“Memphis childhood memories”).
  • Delivered signature oddball humor and end-of-show surreality.

---

Panel & Comedians’ Advice

• Ari Matti:
  • To beginners: Move the mic stand, use your eyes (don’t hide behind hats), and value silence as much as material—let audience acclimate.
  • “Sometimes silence has more information than noise. You can only learn so much from a guy 14 years in and still not there.”
• Dedrick Flynn:
  • “If you stay persistent and keep writing…stay in it, it can work out.”

---

Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• “Sometimes it’s fun to introduce new people…this one is a homegrown episode.” (Tony, 01:01)
• "We almost nailed it all...onto the next one 9/11 press conference." (Tony, 03:46, dark riff)
• “I used to do that too…poor people whippets.” (Hasan, 13:47)
• “Three month anniversary? There’s grown men cracking up at that.” (Tony, 22:22)
• “If you want people to relate, don't put the hat so low over your eyes.” (Ari, 44:49)
• “I only come when being called a perfect f*ggot.” (Alexa, 51:44, delivered deadpan, crowd shocked+laughing)
• “When you get a seizure when you’re having sex, would it cause infinite energy? Pretty hot.” (Ari, 78:09, riff on Mitch's seizures)

---

Conclusion & Show Wrap

The episode demonstrates why Kill Tony is a breeding ground for raw comedic talent—providing a stage for underdogs, risk-takers, and the brutally honest. Alexa Irizarry’s set epitomized crowd-stopping, confessional comedy; Dedrick Flynn’s regular spot brought slick musicality and hometown connection; and Ari Matti delivered practical comedy wisdom. In between, the hosts, guest comics, and audience riffed relentlessly, making for another wild night at the Comedy Mothership.

• Biggest Standout: Alexa Irizarry (“You are a pure entertainer…roller coaster…lived a full life.” —Ari Matti, 55:33)
• Most meta moment: William Montgomery details his puzzle-solving techniques while plotting revenge on a FedEx worker.
• Advice to comics: Practice, stay present, and develop vulnerability alongside jokes.

Check out Tony’s dates at tonyhinchcliffe.com and Ari’s first American tour at arimatti.com. For deep podcast cuts, the answer is always at the bucket.

---

Quick Reference: Timestamps for Memorable Segments

• [06:57] Mason Bird’s opening set & “Trans as God” joke
• [15:20] Luke Aaron’s awkward, honest interview
• [29:40] Charles Adams Jr. stripper vomit story
• [47:50] Alexa Irizarry’s show-stopping set & candid interview
• [59:41] Dedrick Flynn’s “The Blind Side” breakdown
• [90:33] Jedi’s Kill Tony debut (Woody Harrelson's stand-in)
• [121:09] “Worst lifeguard on earth”: D Madness, swimming bit
• [122:49] William Montgomery’s puzzling finale

---

"God bless this audience, and God bless the United States of America. We love you guys. Good night, everybody." – Tony Hinchcliffe [133:42]

Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Redban and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network.

[Brian Redban]

This episode of Kill Tony and every

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhenchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony, Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever. Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[Brian Redban]

Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get over Tony Hitler.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? Make the noise for Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen. And the best damn band in the land. This episode is brought to you by Prize Picks. How about a hand for Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez. That's where you would clap. Matt Muhling, John Dees, and this is the great D Madness on the bass guitar, everyone. What an episode we have for you this evening. This is indeed the number one live podcast in the world and so much in store for tonight. Very excited about it. And before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. She's wide awake in her whiskey hole. You guys ready to start tonight's episode? Every single week, I have two of the funniest comedians in the world on this show this week. Absolutely no different. I mean, wow. Sometimes it's fun to introduce new people. Sometimes it's fun to have a guy from New York or Philly or LA or somewhere that you've never met before. This one is a homegrown episode. These two guys are absolute Kill Tony legends. One of them for being one of the best panelists, one of them for being one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. Both of these men, while one of them looks like an American and the other one doesn't, the one that doesn't look like an American is an American. And the one that doesn't look, the one that looks like an American is actually from the land of Estonia. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's guests are Ari Maddie and Asana Maas. Hasan Ahmad, Ari Matti, the Estonian assassin and the Brown Bomber. How exciting is this? Ladies and gentlemen, Ari. Welcome to back to the panel of the show.

[Ari Maddie]

Happy to be here. Me and Hassan look like we're planning the next 9 11.

[D Madness]

This does look like the press conference for that.

[Ari Maddie]

I'm getting the funding.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We almost nailed it all. They shot down. United 93 took a loss there, but we have to plow forward onto the next one 911 press conference. You guys know how the show works. You both know it very, very well. A son with one of the best jokes of 2025, the famous Indian woman's vagina joke. He says, do you want to see what an Indian woman's vagina looks like? And then he goes like that. You guys get it? There's a little slow audience here. It's a hairy vagina, everybody. This crowd. I don't know about this crowd. Might be some locals trying to. I mean, look at the Gucci hoodies.

[Ari Maddie]

Yeah, I should be with them douchebags.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I should be with these guys. Yeah.

[Ari Maddie]

What's up? Uncut Gems. What's up? The boys. Earrings and gel.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a lot.

[D Madness]

It did look like you guys planned this.

[Ari Maddie]

Yeah.

[Jedi]

100.

[Ari Maddie]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It wasn't planned. That guy says. Absolutely incredible. Are those real? You guys really have that. What do you do for a living to have Gucci and you don't work. You retired. You sold your company. What kind of company was it?

[Evan Quigley]

It was.

[D Madness]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Software. Software? What kind of software? What does it do? It's complicated. You sold SAP? What's SAP? SAP.

[Ari Maddie]

Rich People was real vague. We sold it to SAP. We got the gbt. Now we get into ebts. It's a tla.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[D Madness]

Keep throwing more letters at. Yeah, I think that's the right answer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're coming across as a real fag,

[Ari Maddie]

so

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you should be able to explain what the company was that you sold. But if you're gonna wear a Gucci hoodie out at night, I mean, you have some explaining to do. Sir. Well, welcome to the show, everyone. You guys know how it works. Over 250 human beings signed up for tonight's show. Very exciting. If they get pulled out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. Yeah. Some audience member did it better than the man who's been doing it for 12 and a half years is where he panics and just starts hitting random buttons for no reason anyway. They have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There it is. And that interrupts their set. And then I conduct an interview with them. They go from being a lucky comedian to being interviewed on the biggest live podcast in the world. They have no idea if they're going to get selected or not. I've pulled the name. We go wrangle them from the bar next door. And in the meanwhile, while that first bucket pole finds out that he, he or she is indeed about to have the opportunity of a lifetime, I have a golden ticket winner that's going to show you supposedly how it's done with a brand new 60 seconds. You guys get it. Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian. Tonight is the long awaited return of golden ticket winner. This is Mason Bird, everybody.

[Mason Bird]

I was walking late at night and I saw these two women walking down the street. And one of them looked at her friend and said, oh, my guy, that guy is so creepy. But the other lady, the other lady looked at her friend and said, it's not like he can catch us. Anyways, I turned around, I fucking stopped. The bitch was right. I couldn't catch her. She was so fucking fast. Uphill, not a good advantage. I was talking to a trans woman. Don't ask why. And she asked me, she said, mason, do you believe in trans women? Do you think they're real? And I was like, I view trans women the same exact way I view God. Only in a time of dire need. You will find me on my knees praying,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go, Mason Burt. Ending with a big applause break there. Was there something else?

[Mason Bird]

I'll do a quick little one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[Mason Bird]

I think abortion should be legal.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Mason Bird]

All right. But every time you get one, you get a teardrop tattoo on your face. Catching bodies out here, not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Way to set the tone. Mason Bird with the first new minute of the night. Welcome back, Mason.

[Mason Bird]

Thank you for having me back, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. How's it going?

[Mason Bird]

Pretty good. I got fired from Jersey Mike's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, was it because of talking about it on this show?

[Mason Bird]

No. I was 28 days late and they caught me stealing three sandwiches.

[Ari Maddie]

When you hire you, you know you're gonna steal some sandwiches. You know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Mason Bird]

What are we doing here, Matty?

[Ari Maddie]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

What are we doing?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were 28 days late in a row.

[Jedi]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, got it.

[Mason Bird]

In a row. I was like three minutes late every day because I hated my boss. It's horrible.

[Ari Maddie]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. So that's what it takes to get fired from a Jersey Mike's?

[Mason Bird]

Yeah. I was also pretty bad at the job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How can you be mad? How can you be bad at making sandwiches?

[Mason Bird]

I wasn't very fast. I was always in the back doing something I was supposed to be doing, like eating the cookies or, you know, so I'd mix pops together. They get really mad about that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You mix pops together.

[Mason Bird]

If you do, like, mountain Dew and like cherry, you make your own Code Red.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you just look at you.

[Ari Maddie]

Jesus Christ.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A real, real chemistry set over here.

[Mason Bird]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[D Madness]

It feels like Cherry Mountain Dew is your blood type.

[Ari Maddie]

Yeah,

[Mason Bird]

it's a Mountain Dew livewire.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Actually, are there any more wild mixtures or food experiments that you're good at?

[Mason Bird]

Food mixtures? Yeah, I love just. I call it doing chopped at the house where I'm like, let's make tacos, but with potatoes and apples and see what we can get with. It's just like, I'm hungry. I have no food. I've been doing this new thing to try to lose weight where if you eat a pizza, you eat the cheese and then, like the actual bread, it feels like you're eating two slices instead of one.

[Ari Maddie]

Jesus Christ.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. This is incredible.

[Ari Maddie]

That's the fattest thing I've ever heard.

[Mason Bird]

Yeah. Hell yeah.

[D Madness]

You said tacos and then listed the two most disgusting ingredients for tacos I

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

think I've ever heard in my life.

[Ari Maddie]

I've been trying a new thing, A

[D Madness]

potato and apple taco.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. So you put those in a taco shell or you're using the potato as the shell.

[Mason Bird]

I should do that. It's such a good idea, dude. I should flatten it and fry it and make it into a tortilla.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have good vacuum ideas. I. I have some. I was really. I came home a little bit the other night and I made myself a sandwich in the middle of the night. You would love this red band. This was so you. This is the most you thing I think I've done all year. I had a sandwich and the only. I looked at my fridge and there's a, you know, a little, you know, one of those yogurt. There's like a little yogurt there and I open the yogurt and I have the sandwich, but I forgot to grab a spoon, so I fucking started dipping the sandwich straight into the yogurt. Ate it, dipped it.

[Hasan Ahmad]

Normal shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, normal. Okay. Is that a normal fat guy thing, Mason?

[Mason Bird]

I mean, I'm fat, but Jesus Christ.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's wild.

[Mason Bird]

That's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's funny. I eat like a fat guy sometimes and look at me. God loves me. What do you think? The fattest. What is one of the guiltiest fattest? Like, just ab. What you were. You're like, God, I can't believe myself. He's ready. Here we go.

[Mason Bird]

So what I do is I got like a. Like a party sized bag of Doritos and then I'll cut The top off. Like, not the top, like the side. So you get like a bowl and then you put meat. She used make a bag of nachos. All right. Sad. All right.

[Hasan Ahmad]

What a party at Frito Pie, but with Doritos. Pretty much.

[Mason Bird]

Exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red Band is the senior disgusting food correspondent here live on the scene. How about you? Do you have any confessions? I mean, you literally have no shame in your game. You post in the middle of the night.

[Hasan Ahmad]

I mean, my favorite, of course, the classic. You take an Olive Garden breadstick and you put your finger all the way through it. So you hollow it out and then you just pour Alfredo sauce inside of it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy shit.

[Hasan Ahmad]

It's like a gusher. An Italian gusher.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Brian Redban, ladies and gentlemen. Wow.

[Ari Maddie]

It's a fan off. Your turn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What do you got? It's a fan off. How do you top that? Big boy.

[Ari Maddie]

Big boy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Boy.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck.

[Mason Bird]

I gotta try that later.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's hard as a rock right now. For those of you just listening to the podcast, he has a blatant direction at the thought of a hollowed out Olive Garden breadstick filled with Alfredo sauce.

[Mason Bird]

Do you eat that or have sex with the red man?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go, Mason. Anything else crazy happening in your life?

[Mason Bird]

Let's see. Half black sister, half black. She's addicted to huffing keyboard duster. So that's a fun thing we're doing. Keyboard duster. It's like, whipped, I guess.

[Ari Maddie]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. So she's half black. So you guys have the same mom?

[Mason Bird]

Yeah, my mom came back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you mean?

[Mason Bird]

She's older, so they. What? They say once you go black, you never come back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. You have an older half black sister. And what does this. Computer duster addiction. How is this affecting her life?

[Mason Bird]

She got into a car accident because she was huffing and it made her pass out. Were there kids in the car?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, boy. Wow.

[Mason Bird]

Sorry, Shelby. Sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Hasan Ahmad]

I used to do that too. Like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, what? Wow. Our senior top pig correspondent is here.

[Hasan Ahmad]

I could tell you from the Midwest too, because of this and pop. But we used to shoplift keyboard cleaners for Myers. And we would hit it, it'd be like poor people with whippets. Pretty.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Hasan Ahmad]

And my friend did it while he was driving and he passed out and I had to pull up the emergency brake and we crashed his car. And he blamed me for it. I'm like, dude, we're going towards a train.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, what the f. Wow. Absolutely amazing. Have you ever taken Olive Garden breadstick? Emptied it and sprayed Computer dust in it and then inhaled through the Olive Garden breadstick.

[Hasan Ahmad]

Wouldn't work.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cuz we could hit black belt levels of pigotry. Mason, you had a solid minute. Anything else for Mason, guys?

[Ari Maddie]

I love that trans God joke. So good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it was. It was good.

[Ari Maddie]

It was a really good one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Trans God joke is.

[D Madness]

And. And it was impressive. After you. You did the joke after everyone gave you the applause for that one and you landed that as well. I thought that was really tough.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

Awesome.

[William Montgomery]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Great stuff. Mason, you're showing the difference between a golden ticket winner and a red pole. And this is the part of the long one where we go to the bucket, everybody. The. The hollowed out bread and butter of the show, if you will. The bucket. Now, this is where we meet people. Anything can happen. They could be the future. It could be an insane person. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket poll of the night goes by the name of Luke Aaron, everyone. Luke Aaron.

[Luke Aaron]

I think that people need to stop making fun of Lizzo. I mean, she's one of the most popular artists of our generation. And I just heard that she's starring in a new anime show. I'm not sure if y' all have heard of it. It's Avatar, the last chair bender. I think it's funny that people use the same word of the thing that turns them on. Also as an insult. Like, a girl will be like, I need some dick right now. And then she'll also be like, that guy's being such a dick. But then guys will do it too. They'll be like, you know, I can't wait to get some pussy tonight. And then they'll be like, bro, why you being such a pussy? But, I mean, I'd be lying if I said that I don't also do that because I say to my friend, come on, man, why you being such a retard? You know, I'm sorry if that joke offends you. I'm just looking for my special someone. Thank you. That's all I got.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Luke Aarons. Ari. Maddie.

[Ari Maddie]

Number one. How long have you done stand up? Sorry.

[Luke Aaron]

Like four months.

[Ari Maddie]

Like, four months. Number one suggestion to everybody who watches Kill Tony. And everyone's done this when they start. Stand up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Ari Maddie]

The mic stand is the focus point of the vision of the crowd right now. That needs to be out of the way as soon as you get on stage.

[Luke Aaron]

Move it over.

[Ari Maddie]

As soon as you get on right now. Half the crowd look at him. They look at the stick. I don't even see your cool hat.

[Luke Aaron]

Thank You. Thank you.

[Ari Maddie]

Yeah.

[Luke Aaron]

Okay.

[Mitch]

Okay.

[Ari Maddie]

That's just a suggestion.

[Luke Aaron]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you gotta put the mic up closer to your mouth.

[Luke Aaron]

Okay. I'm sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Command and control of the room.

[Luke Aaron]

Okay. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go.

[Ari Maddie]

Also, hold it more naturally. You're like. It's creepy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ari Maddie]

Sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go.

[Luke Aaron]

Okay. Okay. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Luke, let's talk about it. What made you want. How old are you?

[Luke Aaron]

I'm. I just turned 26.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

26. What made you want to start stand up a few months ago?

[Luke Aaron]

Well, I was just. I had two jobs after I graduated college. I was hating them, and so I wanted to try something fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What were the two jobs I had?

[Luke Aaron]

I was managing a restaurant, and then I had a sales job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What was the restaurant?

[Luke Aaron]

It was in Greenville. It was called Sully Steamers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what. What. What type of food did they have?

[Luke Aaron]

It was like a. It was like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was it called again?

[Luke Aaron]

Solly Steamers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sully Steamer.

[Jedi]

Steamer.

[Luke Aaron]

It's. It's not a sponsor.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Gucci guy's asking question. Shut the up. Gucci guy. Was that in South Carolina? Shut the up. Dude, you. God, I hate you.

[Ari Maddie]

It's r. Okay. It's rich people attitude. No Mike in the crowd. So tell me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at him with his pink drink. This entitled Gucci hoodie pink drink. Just asking his own questions. Like he's on panel tonight. God, I hope you get hit by a car after the show.

[Luke Aaron]

Get him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Luke.

[Luke Aaron]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One job was the salty steamer, which sounds like a gay sexual maneuver.

[Luke Aaron]

It was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And the other one was a sales job. What were you selling?

[Luke Aaron]

I was selling windows and doors.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Windows and doors. Well, that must have been easy. Everybody needs windows and doors. No, sell me a window or a door. Right?

[Ari Maddie]

You go door to door?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Just go to someone that doesn't have a door, like, hello, is anybody in there? Good news for you.

[Ari Maddie]

Do you feel a draft in the building?

[Luke Aaron]

Exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're having to look outside. So how would you do windows and doors? Would you go door to door? Was it a phone call job?

[Luke Aaron]

No, it was even worse. It was like I was. I was the kind of person that's like, standing when you're about to go into a store and, like, try to get your attention.

[Ari Maddie]

Oh, you have that face, by the way.

[Hasan Ahmad]

Thank you.

[Ari Maddie]

It's always cutie patooties, like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You okay? Yeah.

[Jedi]

They want to talk to me about.

[Luke Aaron]

That's the worst. That's the worst insult I've ever got.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So let's hear it. Let's say a guy like Hassan is walking up to where would you be? Lowe's or something like that.

[Luke Aaron]

Assume he didn't have a home.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. But there you go. Okay, Luke. Luke with his biggest punch of the night right there.

[Luke Aaron]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Quick on his feet. So. But seriously, if he. Obviously, he would need windows and doors

[D Madness]

for a building I need to take down.

[Luke Aaron]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So I would say I'm a willing

[Luke Aaron]

customer, so I'd be like, hey, how old is your home?

[Ari Maddie]

That's how you open.

[Luke Aaron]

I knew he didn't have one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I knew he didn't have one.

[Ari Maddie]

This is your home.

[Luke Aaron]

Yeah, exactly. I know, I know. Yeah. And then I would say, and then how old is your, you know, daughter? That was. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Forget, forget.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Luke Aaron]

Too far, Too far. I would say, how old is your home? And then they would say, you know, it's this many years old, which would mean it was either wood or vinyl. And then I would say, oh, so I'm guessing there's draftiness or rust or whatever it was made of. It was. I hated it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Yeah. I could see comedy. I hate it.

[Luke Aaron]

That's what I'm trying. Yeah.

[Jedi]

Thank you.

[Luke Aaron]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so, Luke, you're 26. You just started this. What have you learned in your few months of doing standup, of doing open mics? What surprises you about this industry? Tell it to the people at home.

[Luke Aaron]

I'm surprised how many people are trying it that are horrible at it.

[Hasan Ahmad]

Right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you are part of that. No, I know, but it's good.

[D Madness]

Windows, not enough mirrors.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Asana mod. This is all. The lights have been activated, ladies and gentlemen. Hasan has activated the light. That means that the lighting and sound guy in the back found that hilarious. Ah, song. All right, so, Luke, Aaron, here you are. You're chasing your dreams. What else surprises you about the industry? You do a lot of open mics?

[Luke Aaron]

Not enough.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why haven't you been practicing? Why haven't you been trying hard?

[Luke Aaron]

Luke, part of me is scared that people will steal my jokes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Christmas is around the corner.

[Luke Aaron]

I know. I know better. I'm better at writing them than delivering them, to be honest. But, I mean, I just wanted to get a job doing something that I actually enjoy, and, you know, so that's why I'm here. But I still. I know. I need practice. I should hit more open mics. I've just been working a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah?

[Luke Aaron]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Working at what?

[Luke Aaron]

I. A guy just the other week said he works at. Well, should I say it? Will I get in trouble?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know.

[Luke Aaron]

I Work.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know what you're about to say. You could be Jersey Mike.

[Luke Aaron]

Hotel and resort type deal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A hotel and resort? Here in Austin?

[Luke Aaron]

Here in Austin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And is that. Are you having fun doing that?

[Luke Aaron]

You know, it's a job. Pays the bills. Gee, I don't love it. It's not. Not my dream.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's your love life like, Luke?

[Luke Aaron]

I actually. I actually have a girlfriend. And we just did our three month anniversary.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three month anniversary. There's grown men cracking up at that. Wow. So what is the. You've got yourself in a trap, buddy. If you have her counting on the 27th or whatever being a special day every month, I figured.

[Luke Aaron]

I know, I figured that like. Like if I turned, you know, 37 and I'm still like, I'm trying to become a comedian, then that might be like a red flag, but 26, you still got some room to. You got some wiggle room.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does this have to do with your.

[Luke Aaron]

Well, I didn't hear what you said.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did you know? So like you said that you just celebrated.

[D Madness]

So you just answered a random question.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you know, I've been 11 years. This isn't working out. Well, that's why I did it.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so Luke, I hear them play bells. All right, so Luke, you said that you just celebrated your three month anniversary.

[Luke Aaron]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did you know it was your three month anniversary? What date does that land on?

[Luke Aaron]

Oh, the 29th.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so I was close, by the way. So how did. How did that start. You started dating on the 29th. Did you ask her like you were like, you want to be my steady girlfriend?

[Luke Aaron]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And that happened three months ago.

[Luke Aaron]

Three months ago on the 29th.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So then after a month you're like, oh, it's the 29th, I gotta do something special for her.

[Luke Aaron]

She definitely reminded me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so what did you do on the 29th, your first anniversary? This is very.

[Luke Aaron]

I bought her a necklace.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God. One month. That's all it takes. Four weeks of trickery to get a necklace from you.

[Luke Aaron]

I know, I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Four weeks of straight trickery, ladies. You get a necklace out of this guy, all you have to do.

[Luke Aaron]

It was on sale.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well,

[D Madness]

my favorite part of that was listening to all the men in the audience slowly start to lose respect.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, exactly.

[Luke Aaron]

Oh yeah, exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What little they had left. Okay, so let me ask you this. This is the huge million dollar question. What did you do for her on the two month anniversary? What some people would call the paper anniversary or perhaps the yarn anniversary. You've Heard of these? Gold, diamonds, silver, platinum. This would be the yarn anniversary. The two month. Normally it is a string of yarn. What did you do on the two month anniversary?

[Luke Aaron]

Argued.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah, hell yes. Looks like that necklace wasn't on sale quite enough.

[Luke Aaron]

That's true.

[Ari Maddie]

Do you bring your girlfriend to the open mics too?

[Luke Aaron]

No.

[Ari Maddie]

You're scared they're gonna steal her?

[Luke Aaron]

Yeah, definitely.

[Jedi]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, here's the billion dollar question. The world wants to know. Luke, the three month anniversary just passed a couple days ago. What did you do on the three month. There's this cool Texan guy like, come on, Luke, we're rooting for you, buddy. This guy's rooting for you right now. What did you do for her on the three month anniversary, AKA the Oxygen anniversary?

[Luke Aaron]

Argued.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? Is this true?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

So you've.

[Ari Maddie]

No.

[Luke Aaron]

I mean, I don't. I don't remember. What did we do on the three month anniversary? We probably went for a walk.

[Ari Maddie]

Wow.

[Luke Aaron]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, what have you guys argued about the most? Just tell the truth. This is the vulnerable, compelling part of the interview. That's what makes this show different.

[Luke Aaron]

I'm like. Well, I'm. I grew up like super religious, so I'm. And I'm just trying to like go into like the real world and date like regular people. So I'm having trouble with.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Explain to us exactly what you mean by that. Be very specific. It's your argument that you got into so you will know the answer to this question. You don't want.

[Luke Aaron]

I don't want to say too much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on. It's okay.

[Luke Aaron]

Well, I mean, just like she'll understand

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you're on a big show.

[Luke Aaron]

My sisters had to wear skirts past the knee, so.

[Jedi]

Yes.

[Luke Aaron]

You know, and you only.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Great. There's a guy booing skirts below the knee right now.

[Luke Aaron]

So, you know, like if her. On her Instagram, there's bikinis.

[William Montgomery]

What's your Instagram?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is Red band? Wants to know.

[Ari Maddie]

Jealous.

[Luke Aaron]

You know, there's. I mean there's a whole bunch of. But then.

[Jedi]

Yeah.

[Luke Aaron]

I don't know when. Then she goes. I went. I had. I went to like a super small Christian school. Yeah. And then she goes to a big school a lot of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anyway, what did that lady say? What?

[Ari Maddie]

Mormon or Amish?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what she said.

[Luke Aaron]

It was Independent Fundamental Baptist.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God. Jesus Christ.

[Ari Maddie]

So you only want to use the back door, huh?

[Jedi]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Luke Aaron]

Exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Luke Aaron]

Yes. Amen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. So what types of things? What's the most religious thing you ever had to do? Is that really how long I've been interviewing this guy? Jesus?

[Luke Aaron]

Well, I mean, I mean, I grew up going to church Wednesday, Sunday morning, Sunday night. And then the school was part of the church. So anyone that like wasn't really involved in the church was like an outsider. So anytime I even like I'm going to the grocery store, I'm thinking like, those people are like lost people. And the goal is to recruit. Tell the recruit.

[Ari Maddie]

Recruit.

[Luke Aaron]

Exactly.

[Mason Bird]

Recruit them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you would go up to them and you'd be like, so, and how old's your, how old's your home?

[Luke Aaron]

Exactly, exactly. Exactly. Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old is your church?

[Luke Aaron]

How old is your church?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, that is crazy, Luke. So what do your parents think about you dating for three months? What you seem to think is a straight up hooker.

[Luke Aaron]

Yeah, exactly, exactly. Actually, I, I, she's a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

By the way, that exactly you just said is what's going to get you in trouble. I know that's going to be the part right there, but it was funny. Everyone enjoy their four month anniversary?

[Luke Aaron]

No, yeah, no four month anniversary, but yeah, we'll see. We'll see. I actually, she, they met her. I, I brought her home with me for a wedding.

[Ari Maddie]

What did you wear?

[Luke Aaron]

Not enough.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, look at that. Well, Luke, a very compelling interview. Welcome to the art form of stand up comedy. Here's a little joke book. You're four months in. Sign up again, Luke. Congratulations. Old lucky Luke getting up four months into his youthful career, barely practices. Oh my God, that sound can only mean one thing. Make some noise for the lovely Heidi, everybody. Brilliant, smart, beautiful, charismatic. Tits. Tits. Who loves tits? There you go. All right, your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. We've seen him before. It's been a while. Make some noise for Charles Adams Jr. Everybody. Let's go, Texas. Texas A and M. Yeah.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

They fucked up my parlay though. I kind of had them winning, I ain't gonna lie. Yeah, man, my brother's getting married next week to a woman. A black woman. Shut your bitch ass up, man. What the fuck? All right now. Took me a whole two days to write that joke. Motherfucking big ass. Damn. Anyway, we went to the motherfucking bachelor party other night and I got real wasted, I ain't gonna lie. The dancer was dancing and I went to give her $20 and I threw up on a. I mean, I didn't, I threw up on a. But like I caught it in my mouth and I, and I squirted in her pussy. I don't give a fuck. You know how I look? I Look like I get fired from a lot of jobs, right? So one time I was bartending and this Indian guy came up to me. Hey, my friend, can I have a negroni? I was like, what you call me? Hey, that's my time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Charles Adams Jr. Very interesting. I'm pretty sure that's assault. I'm pretty sure vomiting inside of a

[Ari Maddie]

stripper's is $20 too.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

It was squirt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was a. Wow. Is that real nice?

[Charles Adams Jr.]

True story.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did she do?

[Charles Adams Jr.]

She couldn't tell because I put the 20 like, oh, wow. I tried to cover it up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What an industry. What an amazing industry that these strip club was this.

[Brian Redban]

Damn.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

For real. You want to know? It was perfect 10.

[Ari Maddie]

Perfect, perfect 10.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's about a three.

[Luke Aaron]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

Can I get my change back?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Ari Maddie]

Did they kick you out or.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

No, they couldn't tell. I covered up just enough.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that is.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

But I did sneak out, though. I did get out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is incredible. That is. I don't even know what to say about that.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

Just squirt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then what did you do? Swallow the rest down or spit it out like. This is disgusting. Frightening.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

I just held it together and I got out of the club.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was amazing.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

Outside, it was a different story.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Story Amazing.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Well, your one month anniversary is coming up any second with this woman, so it might be time to buy a necklace. Charles, you've been on the show numerous times over the past years. Ever since we moved to Texas, man. Tell us how life's going.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

Been on this spot. This is six times right now, man. It's been doing great, you know. Yeah. I'm headlining this roast out this right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What happened? Explain to explain to the people.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

My minute man, how did he it up? He was just like. I was like, shut your Torres up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This front row is filled with rich entitled douchebags tonight. It is quite shocking.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

I definitely served him a couple of drinks before probably some negronis.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sir, if you have. If you yell one more thing out, I'm going to have him vomit on your crotch. Better get it together, Charles. Anything else crazy happening in life, Tell us about it, man.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

Man, I'm. Let me see. I'm working security over at Cap City Comedy club.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what I'm saying? Okay.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

Yeah, I'm dealing with some just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, do you have to really deal with anything? It's up at the Domain. It's like a shopping center.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's been there for years. I still am yet to even walk into the place, the cap city. It's in such an odd place in the city.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

Yeah, but the. The. Just. Where's the restroom at, boy? Like, what the. Why you talking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They call you boy?

[Charles Adams Jr.]

They call me boy? Yeah, you know what I'm saying?

[Brian Redban]

The Domain.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

Yeah. Just because they, like, dress like that, they act stupid to be fair.

[D Madness]

Where the restroom was. So.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

It's right there. The handicap restroom is right there. Yeah, man, they with me. But you know, I'll keep it strong. I don't give a. I still get paid. I still help them out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ari.

[Ari Maddie]

Maddie, guys who wear T shirts that say sportswear are never too sporty, are they?

[Charles Adams Jr.]

That's not fun. This is a throwback. This is stickums. Okay. I fit anything.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I do feel like you've been gaining a little weight. Is that correct?

[Charles Adams Jr.]

Thanksgiving just passed, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Jesus.

[Ari Maddie]

You can't blame one for £60.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that is.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

I'm trying to hold it together, you

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

know, you're supposed to cut the turkey.

[Ari Maddie]

Does the zipper close?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a good question. Does the zipper on your jacket close?

[Ari Maddie]

Does the zipper close?

[Charles Adams Jr.]

I mean, you know, not right now because I'm nervous.

[Luke Aaron]

It's like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nah, just stay open.

[Brian Redban]

Just stay up.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

I gotta let people see me, you know? I got a really nice belly button, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Charles, what's the craziest? You live by yourself?

[Charles Adams Jr.]

No, I got a roommate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

White boy. White boy. Two bedroom.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

Oh yeah?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many bathrooms?

[Charles Adams Jr.]

Two bathrooms.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Two bathrooms. So you have your own bathroom?

[Charles Adams Jr.]

Yeah, My clean too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Ari Maddie]

Is he clean?

[Charles Adams Jr.]

I don't. I'm going this right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, but here's a big question. What do you have in your refrigerator that would surprise us? That's yours. Oh, you know the answer to this. Don't try to think of a number two. We want that first one. Red band. Don't make a chicken noise. That's so. That is so. That is disrespectful. Do you have chicken in your refrigerator?

[Charles Adams Jr.]

I got baking soda in there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right. There you go. Red band is an opportunity of a lifetime, period. It's only six seconds late tonight. He was taking bong rips tonight. That's a new thing he's been doing lately. His bong rips before. The one thing a week that he does that anybody sees. Nothing more professional than vodka, Red Bulls and bong rips. This is my. This is my partner here, Brian. Redband trunk is filled with bacon fat.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

I know how to pick him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fat? Is that what you said, Charles? What's your love life like? My who Your love life.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

I mean, it's something.

[Ari Maddie]

Oh.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

Single, but, you know, something. Something's happening. I guess it was complicated. I don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, what's happening exactly that. Okay, what exactly is going on there? There?

[Charles Adams Jr.]

Well, a lot of other guys are that.

[Luke Aaron]

Oh, okay.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

Not me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you know that? How do you know other guys are your girl?

[Charles Adams Jr.]

I looked in her DMS. I was like, oh, who's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You looked at her DMs.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

Hell yeah.

[Ari Maddie]

Meanwhile, you're puking on strippers.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

I was stressed. I was stressed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She can't DM a couple of guys. You are puking in

[Ari Maddie]

at the perfect tent.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

I was stressed. Take it out on somebody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So how'd you end up finding her DMs?

[Charles Adams Jr.]

I went to what's. I went through her a tablet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Look at you. Just looking for trouble.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went to a tablet. I was like, who the is Tyrone?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, ah.

[Ari Maddie]

She has a time.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

Yeah, yeah. They all black.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

All black.

[Luke Aaron]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's infuriating, isn't it?

[Charles Adams Jr.]

I hate it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

Get you a good white boy. It let us come up. You can them but like, give me the money. You know what I mean? Yeah, I made. I let her start a. Was it feats the feet finder? Yeah. I was like, get on feet, baby.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you pimping out your girl's feet?

[Charles Adams Jr.]

That's what I ain't. I ain't gonna say it too loud.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

Door guy jobs don't pay that much. I'm like, yeah, she has nice feet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. You're in defeat.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

You.

[Evan Quigley]

Her feet.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

What? I mean, I suck them a little.

[Brian Redban]

Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at you. You're like San Quentin Tarantino over here. It's a prison and a foot fetish joke at the same time. You're not going to. You can. It's impossible to do that. I just did it to almost no laughter or applause whatsoever. No, it's okay. No, it's okay. The people on the online will go, wow, that crowd sucked. Anyway, so when you're you her feet sometimes. What else do you do?

[Matthew Lor]

You.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're. You're a freaky guy.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You puking and feet.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

Damn, I'll be hungry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, I. I would expect foot. Yeah, you're into foot longs as well.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

Fine. Oh, my God, No.

[Ryan Shields]

All right.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

Yeah, that's gay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Charles, fun times. You already have a big joke book and that's set. This guy threw you off this racist.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

It's all good. You.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sorry, Charles.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

Robbing your ass in front of this

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Today, this guy's gonna be asking you where the restroom is right after this. All right, there he goes. Charles Adams, Jr. Ladies and gentlemen. We're gonna keep it moving here. These interviews are flying. Time is flying tonight. All right, your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Evan Quigley, everyone, Evan Quigley.

[Evan Quigley]

I'm trying to undo my circumcision. They stole what they stole. It's gone. I think I still have enough left for a two and a half or three skin. I think that is the N word for vaginas. And queef would be the outward. I love eating pussy. It's like a board game. Or a game I never get bored of. Specifically, it's like Battleship, you know, I C6 nothing. Cool. Your turn. Necessity. They say necessity is the mother of invention. She must have been desperate or drunk the night rollerblades were conceived. I'm not sure who the father would be in that analogy, but I'm sure he wonders whether or not his son is gay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Evan Quigley. Welcome. Evan, how long you been doing stand up, buddy?

[Ari Maddie]

Two years.

[Evan Quigley]

I got a DUI in the middle of it, so I wasn't allowed in, like, bars for open mics.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you weren't allowed in bars?

[Evan Quigley]

Yeah, I had to wear, like, an ankle monitor that what, could have been my sweat for alcohol. It's crazy.

[D Madness]

You don't have to drink at the bar.

[Evan Quigley]

No, but, like, if someone spilled a beer or something.

[Mason Bird]

I'm back.

[Hasan Ahmad]

You kill somebody?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on. Yeah, wait, just a regular old DUI here. In the great state of Tex.

[Brian Redban]

Texas.

[Evan Quigley]

No, in the great state of Florida.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, so in Florida.

[Ari Maddie]

Florida.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Hasan Ahmad]

Jacksonville.

[Evan Quigley]

UI capital.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So was it your first dui?

[Evan Quigley]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And on your first dui, they put a strap on your ankle that could sense alcohol.

[Evan Quigley]

Technology's crazy, man. We're in the future.

[Ari Maddie]

How up were you?

[Evan Quigley]

I totaled my car on some train tracks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah, so not.

[Ari Maddie]

You were, like, next to the car when they arrived, all up.

[Evan Quigley]

Yeah, I called the cops on myself, actually.

[Ari Maddie]

Really?

[Evan Quigley]

I was worried about the train. I was like, what if I get, like, a terrorist charge or something for blowing up a shipment? You know, supply chains.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Hasan Ahmad]

Okay.

[Evan Quigley]

It was dumb.

[Ari Maddie]

It was dumb. I want to get a tape of that call. Yeah, I don't want to be a terrorist or nothing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly. Wow.

[Ari Maddie]

Our senior terrorist correspondent

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

usually have to

[D Madness]

wait till the train is there to crash into it, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's very.

[Mason Bird]

Right.

[Hasan Ahmad]

Yeah.

[Evan Quigley]

Be proactive.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So I find this so interesting. I've never heard of a alcohol detecting ankle bracelet before. That's what it was. It was on your ankle.

[Luke Aaron]

Yeah.

[Evan Quigley]

And I live in, like a residential neighborhood, a lot of families, and I got into fitness because I couldn't drink. So I was worried about the judgment of the ankle monitor. And I would put another sock under my sock and do like, when I'm running, like leg lifts at the stop sign so people think I'm stuck in the 80s and not like a rapist.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have no idea what you just said. I could. I'll never be able to make that out. Exactly. Even if you repeated it a thousand times, I don't think it would ever actually make sense.

[Ari Maddie]

Ankle monitors are kind of cool.

[Evan Quigley]

It was fun.

[Ari Maddie]

They kind of put people at, you

[Evan Quigley]

know, people would just point at me and say, ankle monitor.

[Mitch]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So how long did you have to wear it for?

[Evan Quigley]

A full year.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A full year? You couldn't drink?

[Evan Quigley]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you were afraid that someone would spill alcohol on your ankle, so you didn't even practice comedy.

[Evan Quigley]

Wrote.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

I wrote.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You wrote. Okay, sir. All right. What do you do for work, Evan?

[Evan Quigley]

I'm an arborist. I. I look at trees for people. I don't do anything with the trees. I just tell them that it's sick and they pay me. It's kind of good game.

[Ari Maddie]

Oh, like a sick tree. What is a sick tree?

[Evan Quigley]

It's a tree with yellow leaves.

[Ari Maddie]

You kind of thought about that, huh, didn't you?

[Evan Quigley]

It can be sick.

[D Madness]

Are you confusing sick trees with fall?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, exactly.

[Ari Maddie]

This guy's walking around. These are a bunch of sick trees.

[D Madness]

A lot of sick trees in September.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you noticed this business is booming?

[Ari Maddie]

Sorry, we need to take all these down.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Evan, do you make good money doing that?

[Evan Quigley]

Pretty good for like, right out of college.

[Ari Maddie]

I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old are you?

[Evan Quigley]

I'm 20. About to turn 25. 24.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

25. You're 24?

[Evan Quigley]

I am currently.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very easy question. When do you turn 25? Just out of curiosity, since you said you're about to turn 25 like a 5 year old does when they're about to turn 6. I'm curious now. Same thing with the guy that had the three month anniversary. How soon until your actual birthday?

[Evan Quigley]

It's in January. January 2nd.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. It is right around the corner. You have any big plans for this big birthday of yours?

[Evan Quigley]

No DUI this year.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you drinking again? Since everything's off?

[Evan Quigley]

A little bit of metered it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've metered it, though?

[Jedi]

Yeah.

[Ari Maddie]

Metered it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you mean by metered it?

[Evan Quigley]

I don't let myself go crazy once I start wanting to sing Pearl Jam. I stop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. That's a good joke. That's better than everything you did in your set. I would make that one of your jokes.

[Luke Aaron]

I will.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. There you go. Do you ever talk about wearing an ankle monitor for a year, the leg lift thing.

[Evan Quigley]

But I don't do that one much. That's, you know, not great. I want to portray myself as a rapist.

[D Madness]

You know, where are you getting rapists from? You said this twice now, and it feels like you're confessing something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[D Madness]

No one's saying rapist.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Even with. Even with his job. He was like, I don't, like, do anything with the trees. I just, like, see if they turn yellow or not. You know, I don't, like, touch them or rub up against them or stare at them from across the forest for a while and then approach this tree.

[Ari Maddie]

So weak.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you got bark. But do you have bite? What do you say we branch out of here?

[Ari Maddie]

I'm an arbor rapist.

[Evan Quigley]

I'm not.

[Ari Maddie]

Also a suggestion in comedy. I understand that hats can be, like, a comfort zone for somebody, but. Yeah, if you put your hat really low, people can't see your eyes. And your eyes are the window to the soul. And it's really hard to relate. Sometimes guys will put the hat really low. It kind of sits.

[Evan Quigley]

It's better.

[Ari Maddie]

Do you always wear a hat? Is that like your always.

[Evan Quigley]

Yeah.

[Ari Maddie]

Yeah. So maybe put it a little higher.

[D Madness]

You know, I hide the fact that you're a rapist.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, there it is. It's very clear. All of a sudden. It's very clear. Evan, what else do you. Do you have any special skills or hobbies or talents or anything like that? You seem like the kind of guy that knows how to, like, jump rope really well or something.

[Evan Quigley]

I wish. I try to sing. I've been trying to get out to do karaoke more and see if.

[Ari Maddie]

Here we go.

[Evan Quigley]

It's a talent, but it's not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. No, it's not. What else?

[Ari Maddie]

What's in your pocket? Front pocket. Heavy. Heavy. Heavy pocket.

[Evan Quigley]

Oh, that's my joke book.

[Ari Maddie]

Okay.

[Evan Quigley]

I didn't wanna. Nobody saw that, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nobody wants to see it.

[Luke Aaron]

Yeah.

[Evan Quigley]

This. This is my hobby. My what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What else? There must be something else. You. You collect anything. Are you a fan of anything at all?

[Evan Quigley]

I'm a fan of a lot of music. I like. Like Rush. Oh, the band Rush a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Evan Quigley]

Been trying to get into movies. I watched Jackie Brown recently.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you just watched that for the first time?

[Evan Quigley]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. That's the only Movie D Madness. Likes. He just said, hell, yeah.

[Evan Quigley]

Have you seen it?

[Ari Maddie]

Here we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

D Madness. Just said, it's about time. As in you finally said something funny. He's. He'll get you. You try to. You try to make fun of D Madness. He'll get you. But you like. So you like. There's some movies that you like listening to and you can just kind of digest and. On D. I love that. Are there any other ones that you can think of? Like the Color Purple?

[Luke Aaron]

Huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Death Warrant. Okay. Jean Claude Van Damme. That's interesting. That an action movie. I find that also intriguing. Isn't that interesting?

[Hasan Ahmad]

Like hearing men's grunt and stuff?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Definitely not. If there's anyone I know for a fact that doesn't like hearing men grunt, it's our famous resident homophobe, D Madness, who hates everything gay. He likes hearing other men getting their ass whooped. Death Warrant, ladies and gentlemen. All right, Evan. Well, you were here. Here's a little joke book. Congratulations. You got pulled tonight. Evan Quigley. We go on and on, ladies and gentlemen. This looks like a new name here. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Alexa Irizarry, everybody. Alexa Irizarry.

[Alexa Irizarry]

I had a great Thanksgiving this year. I found a Native American guy on Tinder. I celebrated the traditional way by giving him syphilis. It's hard to date as a trans person because here's the thing. Straight men view trans women the same way they view Taco Bell. They want it when they're drunk. They're ashamed of what it does to their asshole. Dude, I love fucking with straight guys because sometimes they don't realize I'm trans. You know the name for those type of people? Retarded. So sometimes they'll come up to me and they'll be like, yo, can I buy you a drink? And I look them dead in the eyes and I'm just like, nah, man,

[Ari Maddie]

I ain't fucking gay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're the man.

[Brian Redban]

We ain't done with that fact sheet on this show, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah, brother. You did it, man. It sucks.

[Alexa Irizarry]

I can't turn that voice off. Oh, I can't. That's the sound that comes out when I orgasm. Thank you, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy shit. Alexa Irizarry showing the boys and the girls how to do it.

[Ari Maddie]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolute dominance. Welcome. Thank you so much, bro. This is like looking in a mirror or something like that. This is my art. Crazy. It's my arch nemesis. It's like my venom. This is my venom. It's Venom. Hinge clip. I love It. Alexa, how long you been doing stand up?

[Alexa Irizarry]

About five years.

[Brian Redban]

That's awesome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

See what I mean? Five years. Where at?

[Alexa Irizarry]

I started in Cleveland, Ohio.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, nice. Look at that. That's where you're born and raised.

[Alexa Irizarry]

Yeah, I think I opened for you at one of the glory holes at the truck stops in Warren.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. There you go. I've been performing at a lot of of truck stops. This is true. Guilty as charged. Welcome, Alexa. This is absolutely incredible. So five years. How long have you lived in Austin?

[Alexa Irizarry]

About four years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Four years. What made you move to Austin four years ago? Comedy?

[Alexa Irizarry]

No, I was actually working construction sales because I got fired from doing porn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. How did you get fired from doing porn?

[Alexa Irizarry]

Well, here's the thing. This is the only thing I learned from doing porn. I am bad at sex.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay?

[Alexa Irizarry]

I know this because they flew me into the shoot. They flew me in on Delta. They flew me back in spirit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God, This is amazing. So you only did it once?

[Alexa Irizarry]

No, I shot for. The company is called Grooby. It used to be called Shemale Strokers. You probably know what it is, but buy that tracksuit. That's all I'm saying. But no, no, it used to be called she Male Strokers, but they thought the name was offensive.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Again, there goes resident homophobe D Madness. I've seen enough of this.

[Ari Maddie]

D Madness was like, how many people

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

are doing a set?

[Hasan Ahmad]

This,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

this, this, this, this, this be sounding like. Junk off and.

[Brian Redban]

Damn. What the is going on in there?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[D Madness]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so you did a lot of porn shoots.

[Alexa Irizarry]

Yeah, because back then, like, trans people couldn't get. Because I'm. I like transition bc. And for y' all good Christians, that means before Christ. For trans people, it means before Caitlyn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so you're og. You're a throwback. You're. You're like back when trans people used to get, like, bullied and stuff.

[Alexa Irizarry]

I know. And that's. Honestly, I loved it because I can only come when being called a perfect.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One more thing that you and I have in common. Absolutely amazing. This is incredible. I've met my match here today.

[Ari Maddie]

Caitlyn, you're an icon.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. This is amazing. So, Alexa, what surprised you about shooting porn?

[Alexa Irizarry]

Honestly, probably the biggest thing that surprised me is that the. The guy will you not on camera. And they get really offended if you don't fake orgasms off camera the same way you do on camera off camera.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, like, when you say fake orgasms, you mean like, moaning?

[Alexa Irizarry]

Because I don't like sex.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Explain what you mean by that.

[Alexa Irizarry]

I. I don't. I've been raped too many times to like sex. Oh, I've been raped so many times. I bought my mom a T shirt. It says, my son got raped four times. All I got was a daughter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Did. They did. Brought to you by. I don't think now's the time to play the Netflix sound effect. We may have just lost our contract. Right, then let me ask you this. Did the guy that raped you, did he up in the comments on how yellow the trees were getting right beforehand?

[Alexa Irizarry]

He was only focused on how yellow my teeth were getting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, all right. That's a wild answer. Alexa, Alexa. So you literally don't like sex?

[Alexa Irizarry]

No, I don't. Like. The only thing I ever liked in the bedroom was one time my ex boyfriend got on top of me, put my legs over my head, and they died of a heroin overdose while trying

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

to have sex with you?

[Alexa Irizarry]

Yeah, pretty much. I'm from Ohio. You know how it is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, a lot of people do die from heroin overdoses, especially in northeast Ohio.

[Alexa Irizarry]

I'm six years sober from meth and heroin, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, all right. How did you.

[Ari Maddie]

The energy's still there.

[William Montgomery]

Thank you.

[Ari Maddie]

It stays with you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did you get sober? What helped you get sober?

[Alexa Irizarry]

Honestly? Him dying, to be quite honest.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[Alexa Irizarry]

I remember. That's actually kind of why I started doing comedy, because one time I was like, I was digging through a trash can while I was on meth at our dealer's house, because, you know, on meth. And I was. John Mulaney's special New in Town was playing in the background.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. This is the gayest part of your whole set. This is incredible. That's when you know you have to get your life together.

[Alexa Irizarry]

No, but yeah, so I was like, I want to do that one day. And he was like, you're not funny. So then I was like, I want to prove him wrong, you know?

[Ari Maddie]

So now he's dead.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. I mean, now he's looking up at you from wherever he is, thinking, wow, she really did it. So other than him dying, was there things that you did to. To fill that gap of. Of meth and heroin? Two of what seems to be the most addictive things in the world probably.

[Alexa Irizarry]

Well, besides cocktail. No. Just kidding. But no. Oh, I'm just count. Like, no. I got back into what I was, like, doing, like, before I did all that. Like, I started college at 16. I studied Russian language and Mandarin. I was. Wow, into politics. I wanted to Be a lawyer when I was younger.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you say things in Russian?

[Evan Quigley]

Oh,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

looks like someone's gonna have a pierogi in his ass later. You're about to get a little potato filling up there, huh? Oh, my goodness.

[Ari Maddie]

Multiple languages. Good at comedy. It's almost like you have the brain of a.

[Hasan Ahmad]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is amazing.

[Alexa Irizarry]

Wow.

[Ari Maddie]

I love the energy you came out with, by the way you took over the stage. Beautiful job. Holy shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is incredible. Clearly you are made to do this. My goodness. So how do you make money now?

[Alexa Irizarry]

Alexa, I have an only fans.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Alexa Irizarry]

Not going well. I only have one subscriber.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Yep. I pay good money for that. Wow. Where can people find your only fans? You will probably get more now if you want to promote it.

[Alexa Irizarry]

Yeah. Jasmine Steel 7 on only fans, streammate and strip chat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Red Band just made multiple accounts. Okay, so, Alexa, tell us what else would surprise us about being trans in Texas. You've been here for four years. Is there anything else that you deal with? Do you make a good cup of coffee? I've noticed that trans people make the best baristas. Do you drink coffee?

[Alexa Irizarry]

No, those are the non binary.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, good to know. I don't know the difference.

[Alexa Irizarry]

You could tell by the purple color hair and the annoyingness in their voice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like that. So you're kind of anti trans?

[Alexa Irizarry]

No. Yeah. No, I don't think people. I think it's a mental illness, to be quite honest.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. Keep going. Keep going. You're about to become the next President of the United States. Just keep the momentum going.

[Ari Maddie]

Holy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Keep telling us. You're very close. You could win the 2028 election if you just keep.

[Ari Maddie]

I just found out you've been booked on Joe Rogan Experience.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The Texans in the front are literally like, I'll vote for that bitch. This is amazing. Amazing, Alexa. So you did become. When did you start to feel like a woman? When? In your life?

[Alexa Irizarry]

The first time. My dad's dick was inside me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your actual father?

[Alexa Irizarry]

No. I mean, I'm from Cleveland. You think I know my actual father?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know anymore.

[Alexa Irizarry]

Honestly, it is one of those things. I do think it's a mental illness. It was from probably my earliest memories. I remember I would always put on my mom's dress, hiding in her closet, you know, things like that whenever she was at work. So just from my earliest memories. And then at the time, you had to wait till you were 18 to do it. So just the minute I turned 18, I started hormones.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. What did your mom say about that

[Alexa Irizarry]

when that happened, well, she said, I don't want to live with a freak. And then she kicked me out for a little bit. But she's come around. Honestly, she's one of my biggest supporters, and I love my mom more than anything else.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that's amazing. I love that, Alexa. So fun. Anything for Alexis.

[Ari Maddie]

You're a star. I love it.

[Alexa Irizarry]

Thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ari Maddie]

Sometimes I think it's always, like, too late to star stand up. When to start stand up. But you lived such a full life that now you have perspective to tell it, and it's awesome and it shows.

[Alexa Irizarry]

Thank you so much. I really appreciate that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Seems like you're. Yeah. Hasan.

[D Madness]

And just the straight up roller coaster that this whole experience was with you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

From the set being like that. I got raised raped.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

I'm off heroin.

[D Madness]

That the guy died inside of me. You could be president.

[William Montgomery]

My dad raped me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just amazing.

[D Madness]

To shitting on people with purple in the hair.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you have purple in your hair. There's just a touch of purple back there. There's a little bit back there.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

You are a pure entertainer.

[D Madness]

So funny.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

So haram.

[William Montgomery]

I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yes. Alexa, sign up again. Pretty please. Okay, let's see if you can catch this joke book. Oh, got it. Unbelievable. She catches like a man, ladies and gentlemen. Holy. How about one more time for the Kill Tony debut of Alexis Alexa Irizarry, everybody. Isn't that something? Well, we have momentum, ladies and gentlemen. And your next comedian is one of the newest, most prolific regulars in the show's entire history. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Dark storm of Atlanta. This is Dedrick Flynn,

[Brian Redban]

Kill Tony.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

I was.

[Brian Redban]

I ate an edible the other day, and I started watching the Blind side. What the fuck is that movie? All right, nobody ever told me this movie's gonna be bullshit when I started it. So you've seen the blinds out. You know what I'm talking about? So all the blinds I was supposed to be about was this dude named Michael Oher is a real person, and he played football, but he was a homeless teen in Memphis, and he got adopted by a white family, and they get a nigga white privilege, and he made it to the NFL. All right? And that's a beautiful movie. All right? That's a beautiful movie. That is the sequel to Remember the Titans. It's got football in America. Everybody can come together. And then somebody in Hollywood was like, let's make this nigga retarded, right? I don't even like using that word.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right?

[Brian Redban]

I don't Even like using that word. But they made that nigga retarded. They made it for no reason. Let me tell you the first scene where he get adopted by Sandra Bullock, right? He get adopted by Sandra Bullock. You walk him into the house, they walk him up the stairs, and they walk him into a bedroom. And he goes, what's that? And then Sandra Books says, it's a bed. That nigga know where the bed is. That nigga know where the bed is. I, I, Bro, I've coached so many retarded. All the fucking specialty. Them niggas go to sleep when they know where to go to sleep. Crackheads make beds out of anything. This nigga know where the bed is. Then later on in the movie, later on in the movie, just to make sure you know, this nigga is dumb as fuck. And it's not a real. He's not dumb. He made it. He's doing good. He made it. He made a lawsuit against it and won it just recently. This is the way they did. They fucking did it. They said, hey, hey, Sandra Bullock, your new son that you brought to this private school to play football, we gave him these tests to see where he's at. They said, you got a zero in math, zero on science, zero on social studies, zero on everything. But don't worry, he scored 100% in protective instincts. That's not a test. They give humans who got the highest protective instinct. That's the shit they give the K9s to become police dog. I'm done.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dedrick Flynn with a new 2 minute, 20 second set. As only our regulars get to do. Very powerful. The dark storm has arrived. Welcome back, Dedrick. Good to have you back, buddy.

[Brian Redban]

God, I fucking missed it. I had a good time in Atlanta, but that whole Monday, I was like, I was so used to coming out here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

From doing it, like, week to week. I couldn't wait to fucking get back. Dude, this is so. Fuck this. This club is fucking gorgeous. This fucking stage, the band, everybody's so fucking good. Y' all don't know what it feels like to walk out here, but it is better than drugs. I used to sell them, all right? I used to sell them, so I know what they do. And it doesn't do this, all right? This shit is fucking great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love. Fuck yeah. Perfect analysis. It is true. Mondays are weird without the show. Once you're part of this thing, Mondays are really weird for Red Band and I. If we ever, ever randomly have a

[Hasan Ahmad]

Monday, what, like seven times? Maybe six times in 12 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah, that we take one off, but we back tape those episodes so that we can take a Monday off if we ever wanted to. Oh, look at this. Look who sensed a straight man on stage. Here he is D Madness.

[D Madness]

He heard the Blind side and, like, they're talking about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A saw, a mock. Oh, my God. Oh, man. Did you hear what I did about you? So, Dedrick, welcome back. Ari, Matty, this is a co regular of yours.

[Ari Maddie]

Dedrick, you know what I'm about to say. How crazy is it that the day you became a regular, both of our personal Facebooks reminded us that we were at an open mic together seven years ago on that day?

[Brian Redban]

How crazy is that same day, October 27th.

[Ari Maddie]

And I remember that open mic that. It was horrible for you. It was. By the way, he's right.

[Brian Redban]

I smashed that bit, by the way.

[Ari Maddie]

You're right. Cause I remember you killed it. And I remember it's just funny how in comedy you meet somebody and then, like, I didn't see you for. So I didn't even know you live in Austin or something. And I saw you at sunset. I just wasn't sure it's you because we never really talked. And then you became a regular. So that shows what happens if you just stay persistent and keep writing and keep pursuing your dream. So that's awesome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true. I mean, imagine if he would have started and been scared that people were just gonna steal his jokes. So he didn't perform that often at all.

[Brian Redban]

You sent me a great message, and that made me real happy, like the same night that you said it and I saw you because it was on your Facebook, so I didn't get the message. And you saw me. I thought, actually, the whole Kill Tony Mafia family has been fucking great to me. Actually, last Monday, I was at David Lucas house filming his fishing podcast. This nigga is rich as fuck. Dave Lucas is the fucking black Georgia Tony Soprano. His house just got shit in it for no reason. And he fat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He definitely is fat. Is that a new grill I'm seeing there?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, yeah, no, I got. I got.

[Ari Maddie]

He different now.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, I'm. I'm not going.

[Ari Maddie]

He different now.

[Brian Redban]

I'm doing good. I'm doing good. I. I got the Kill Tony tattoo that I got. I told you that I got that. I sent it to you. Got. I got my dated. I got made a regular. This is fantastic. I'm making so much money. I bought my mama Uber. From Augusta, Georgia, to Atlanta, Georgia, on Thanksgiving, there and back. I'm doing good. I couldn't pay to fix the Car.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I always love to see it. I always love to see the come up. You know, when we first had Cam Patterson on, he said, I'll never stop wearing sweatpants and white T shirts and sandals. That shit ended like, three weeks later. He hasn't worn it since. When David Lucas became a regular, he also got a new grill. It was a George Foreman, and he made everybody grilled cheeses.

[Brian Redban]

He got terrible teeth too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

David Lucas does?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. David Lucas got bad teeth, but he cooked good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, wait, did you just add another layer of grill? Just do, like a magic trick or something.

[Brian Redban]

Well, here's the thing is, Tony, I'm not gonna lie to you. I already talked to the man. We was working on this song that we want to do right now for Kill Tony.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

Right now.

[Brian Redban]

We gonna debut it right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right. Okay. Oh, hey, yo, Mike.

[Brian Redban]

Give it to me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about a hand for Dedrick Flynn?

[Brian Redban]

I came up on the money just to kill Tony. I showed up on the money just to kill Tony. I'm making blue fats that's on red band. I'm making blue stats that's on red band. I'm making foreign money. I gotta call to Ari. My pocket's looking good. You can call them, hottie. Get my pockets fat David Lucas. Get my pockets tat. I'm talking David Lucas. Yeah, my pocket's fat. I'm talking David Lucas. First pull, first round regular. My sass is good but ain't enough on regular. I show up on a Monday just to kill Telling me here y' all showed up on a Monday just to kill Tony I shot up on a Monday just to kill Tony I shot up on a Monday just to kill

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

everybody I shot up on a money

[Brian Redban]

Just kill Tony. I talking daddy Lucas. I'm talking fast jazz. I'm talking daddy Lucas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, that's amazing. I'm so glad you did a song. I thought you were gonna rob everybody for a second.

[Brian Redban]

No, I'm doing good now, Tony. You.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

You.

[Brian Redban]

Y' all is lying online.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, they.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They.

[Brian Redban]

They try to slander me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Brian Redban]

Try to cut the mic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There it go.

[Brian Redban]

When I got this tattoo they try to slit. Why would you do that? I said if your bank account look like Heidi, you would feel like just like me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. I love it. Dedrick, you are absolutely killing it. Ari, what do you think about this guy?

[Ari Maddie]

They do love grills in Atlanta.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, you win with me.

[Ari Maddie]

Atlanta is the only place where I've seen a sign that says grills on happy hour.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, I didn't know.

[Ari Maddie]

Grills was a decision that you just walk past and see a sign and you're like, ah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I be like that.

[Brian Redban]

There's a lot of white people in here. These gold teeth are called grills. I know you was looking at me. You like, I got a green egg in the hell. I got a green egg. He's fucking with a balance. That's how you talk. Is that how he talks? Cause I can look at him and tell.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, it is. He hasn't been able to shut up all night. He is so retarded that he didn't know what a bed was, let's put it that way. Dedrick, you are absolutely the man. Welcome back. We'll see you again next week. Stoppable force. That is Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. And back to the bucket we go. We have a one word name. This is always interesting. It's either usually great or horrible. Anything can happen. Make some noise for Mitch, everybody. Here comes Mitch.

[Evan Quigley]

You in a way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, one more time for Mitch, everybody.

[Mitch]

As y' all can tell, I'm used to pulling out. So, yeah, my. My name's Mitch. It's like, but with an M. That was my nickname all throughout school. And then finally I moved out of my dad's house. Yeah, he taught me that my name was. My nickname was a hand me down from my mom.

[Ari Maddie]

Right?

[Mitch]

But it's cool because my mom taught me that my nickname or that my dick is a hand me down from my dad. Because it's small. Yeah, my bad. Just a little nervous. We got this though, boys and girls. Speaking of which, I don't have much luck with the ladies, so I don't know why, but my parents could decide on one thing, and it was that I needed a hat. So they went ahead and went with the blue chew hat, right? And I was like, mom, dad, how's that gonna help me get laid? And they're like, well, because, you know, women will read it and get super horny and then want to you. I was like, how dumb do you think they are? And they're like, if they're my son dumb enough. Thank you, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Mitch, let's talk about it. How long you been doing stand up?

[Mitch]

About 2 and a half years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where at?

[Mitch]

San Marcos. And then I moved to Austin, but I started having seizures.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So it's like, oh, why'd you start having seizures?

[Mitch]

I think it's from gabapentin. What is prescribed it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is that exactly?

[Mitch]

For me, it was a nerve blocker.

[Brian Redban]

For.

[Mitch]

I got my Back blown out.

[Ari Maddie]

Okay.

[D Madness]

All right, Tony, someone else you have something in common with.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. This is amazing. Okay. How did you blow out your back?

[Mitch]

I. Arguably from the army. Okay. But so I didn't. It wasn't while I was in things. It was a little bit afterwards. It just kind of happened. But it was a herniated disc, and that was most likely from the army. And then it pinched my sciatica nerve. So then that's like a nerve that goes all the way down your leg?

[Evan Quigley]

Yep.

[Mitch]

So, like, I can't feel half my toes right now. Yeah.

[Jedi]

At all?

[Ari Maddie]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Like.

[Mitch]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Mitch]

Since 2023.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Since 2023. And that's how long you've been on this medicine?

[Ryan Shields]

Yeah.

[Mitch]

And then I stopped taking it in July of this year. 28th birthday. Yes. Because I made it past 27.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. A lot of grown men celebrating their weird birthdays in this episode.

[Mitch]

Well, 27 Club.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Mitch]

If it can happen to them, it

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

can happen to me.

[Brian Redban]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The most innocent human on the stage, Matt Muling. Every once in a while strikes. He has no mercy. For people that have a of lot of seizures. Yeah.

[Ari Maddie]

You don't get into the 27 Club by being a random.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you stopped taking that medicine, and then how soon after did the seizure start?

[Mitch]

Like, two weeks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Jedi]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then what's that like?

[Mitch]

I don't know, but the girl that was with me left me, like, in a puddle of my own blood and piss.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why were you in a pile of blood? You hit your head or something?

[Mitch]

No, it bit my tongue.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh.

[Mitch]

Yeah.

[Evan Quigley]

I was like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And she just left you like that?

[Mitch]

She smoked my.

[Jedi]

Yeah.

[Mitch]

And then she what? She smoked my weed. That's legal in Austin, Texas, and then left?

[Ari Maddie]

Yeah. She was high and you're freaking the fuck out on the floor.

[Mitch]

No, it was right in the morning, so I was in bed.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You hadn't smoked yet?

[Mitch]

No, I. I just. I was asleep and then I guess the sun triggered it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you say that it's legal in Austin, you just mean regular weed. You're making a joke joke or it's with some kind of weird Delta 8 or something.

[Mitch]

Well, I have family that I'm gonna hopefully have watched this that are in different states, and I don't want them to look down upon me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You think that you smoking marijuana once in a while is gonna be. What?

[Ari Maddie]

Not the blue chew hat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. All right. I mean. Okay, so you're sure that you had the seizure, she smoked your pot after that? Positive. I had the seizure. But I mean, you're positive that she smoked pot after.

[Mitch]

Told me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She said, yeah, I left you. I smoked some pot and then I left. Yes.

[Mitch]

She said that my cat Timothy was going mel help. Like, asking her, like, I'm not. I have text messages.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She woke up. The cat Timothy?

[Ryan Shields]

Yeah.

[Ari Maddie]

Timid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

C. What?

[Mitch]

T. Like timid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

See?

[Mitch]

Courageous cat. Like courage. The cowardly dog having a seizure?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was just gonna say crazy.

[Ari Maddie]

Are you having a seizure right now?

[D Madness]

I smell burnt toast.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, all right. Okay, let's just skip this. What did you do in the army?

[Mitch]

I was a forward observer, 13 fall.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What exactly does that mean?

[Mitch]

Fire sports specialist. So, like, I would get grade coordinates for field artillery and then send it to the field artillery.

[Ari Maddie]

So they would shoot it to Palestine.

[Mitch]

No, no, this was back in 2016-2020.

[D Madness]

Does me sitting here give you some sort of PTSD?

[Ari Maddie]

All of it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. What do you do now, Mitch? How do you survive?

[Mitch]

I'm VA Disability, actually looking for a job right now, but it's hard because I can't drive for another until the end of this month.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why? Oh, because of seizures.

[Ryan Shields]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you figured it out? When's the last time you had your last seizure?

[Mitch]

Three months ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And what exactly happens? What does. Is there something that, like, tends to give you a seizure?

[Mitch]

No, it's always whenever I'm waking up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Interesting. And how many do you think you've had?

[Mitch]

Four.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Four? Yeah. Do you always bite your tongue and leave a mess?

[Mitch]

Yeah.

[Ari Maddie]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. How long do they last?

[Mitch]

Anywhere between, like, from what I'm told, a minute to three minutes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Mitch]

But I think it's from Gabapentin. Doctors don't. So it's up in the air.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, interesting. So this is an interesting thing. The doctors are defending the big pharmaceutical companies directly to your face.

[Ryan Shields]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But you never had a seizure before that, and you had one, two or three weeks after quitting the medicine. Right. And they'll defend it, Right. All the way. Right. Interesting.

[Mitch]

I'm not a conspiracy theorist.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Me neither. Me neither. But I find that also interesting things are coincidental. Yes. Okay, so, Mitch, give us another fun fact about your life. Life.

[Mitch]

I used to work at a helicopter company.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Another.

[Mitch]

As the pilot or anything. I was a photographer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Mitch]

Yeah. So I take photos of the people that were going on the helicopter. It's just south on 35.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Ryan Shields]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. All right. What's your love life like now, Mitch? Single. Okay. You live by yourself?

[Mitch]

Yeah, I live by myself with my cat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your cat? Timid. Timid C III or whatever.

[Mitch]

The Timothy Courageous Cat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you had this cat?

[Mitch]

3 1/2 years. I got him whenever my back got blown out.

[Ari Maddie]

I know the phrasing is crazy. Got my back blown out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's.

[Ari Maddie]

Yeah. When you get a seizure when you're having sex, the would it cause infinite energy, so. Because if a girl gets a seizure while I'm banging, it's pretty hot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Some people are into that.

[Mitch]

So after they found out about it, I've woken up with them, like just flashing a light in my eyes at night.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

Damn.

[Ari Maddie]

Yeah, I had my first blue chew in Mexico, but.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, really?

[Ari Maddie]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah. Was it a brown chew? Okay. What was that like?

[Ari Maddie]

Crazy. First time I've ever had it. You ever had a dick pill lesson?

[D Madness]

Nope.

[Ari Maddie]

Yeah, it's like I don't even know how to continue life without it. Like maximum potential all times.

[Mason Bird]

Wow.

[Ari Maddie]

After coming still the vein is out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you woke up after that first night, were you wearing that jumpsuit that you're in? All right, well, Mitch, anything else crazy about your life we should know about? Okey dokey.

[Mitch]

I really like the lime scooters. And I've been getting back into religion and feeling like everything happens for a reason. And I feel like the seizures were a good thing that happened low key because it taught me how to get out more and how to be more productive using the things around me and not be anxious.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like that. Good answer. Keep writing, keep signing up, it'll get better. Mitch, here's a medium sized joke book. There you go. There goes Mitch, everybody. All right. Sometimes interviews just go back to seizures and the cat every once in a while. Is that thing in there good and deep, Heidi? Now it is. Very good.

[Hasan Ahmad]

The old tape, the microphone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The old taping. The microphone. Yeah. Just how it all started in the beginning. Twelve and a half years ago, we were taping our microphones together. And now look back at our roots. Nothing like one of the biggest shows in the world. And we have red duct tape. That's how you know we made it. Back when we first started, we just had regular old black duct tape. Okay, you guys still having fun out there? Back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Sancho Pancho Villa. Sancho Mancho Villa.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

A lot of people can't tell by looking at me, but I am a veteran. I used to let the crowd guess what branch I was in. But with every guess, my feelings kept getting hurt more and more. So I'll just tell y'. All, I actually served six years in high school. Jrotc. I'm Just kidding. I'm just kidding. I was only in high school for four years. No, I should also mention, after high school, I went and served in the Marine Corps for four years. Let's go.

[Brian Redban]

Ooh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Rah.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Yeah. I was five three when I went in, and then I came out at 5:1, so I lost 2 inches where it really mattered. There's a lot of disadvantages to being short, but some advantages to being short. In the Marines, for instance, when I would walk through fields with tall grass, I didn't have to worry about snipers anymore. I would, however, have to keep my eyes peeled in the sky for like, hawks or other large birds. Crazy story. A hawk actually tried to pick me up one time. It got like a foot and a half off the ground before dropping me. I guess even mother Nature was like, eh, too much cholesterol.

[Jedi]

Thank you.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

I'm such a Pacho Villa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sancho Pancho Villa. I gotta tell you, dude, you are one of the most adorable things I've ever seen in my entire life. I didn't know that baked potatoes could do comedy. This is absolutely adorable. How old are you?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

31.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

31 years old. Have you ever accidentally used. You look like you would accidentally, like roll down a hill or something like that. Do you roll your ball shaped?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Yeah. Whenever ice is over in Texas, I gotta be careful. It's like very easy for me to be top heavy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have to be scared of two kinds of ice. That's incredible. Sancho Pancho Villa. Absolutely amazing. Did the kids used to bully you and make you a soccer ball at any point?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Nah. Most of the kids in my high school were the same height as me at that time.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Amazing. So what, what do we call you? Are you considered. What are you? What are you?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

I'm just a regular five one Mexican man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right. I guess it's like. I guess it's the width that kind of makes. It kind of makes you compact looking. Yeah, you seem a little. A little, A little. Oh, there's Redbam.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

It's also my eyes. My eyes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys are shaped the same. He's just slightly taller than you, old Sancho Pancho Villa over here. So tell us about your life, Sancho. Is that your real name, Sancho Pancho?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

It's a nickname. So Sancho is a term of endearment in the Hispanic community.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Those are the Mexicans laughing at you right now. If you're wondering what that normal noises,

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

it pretty much means side dude. So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Side dude?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Yeah, side dude.

[Brian Redban]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why do you go by that, no.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Whenever I used to work out a lot, and I was, like, more fit. I used to, like, sleep around with, like, committed women.

[Jedi]

So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really, you mentioned this last time.

[Hasan Ahmad]

You're, like, proud of, like, guys, wives and like, that?

[Ari Maddie]

I'll be gonna hide everywhere when they come home, huh?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

I can get out most average sized Windows. Windows. I'm five one.

[Ari Maddie]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah, windows. Windows is a ongoing theme in this episode. I don't remember this from your last time. Remind us, how many. How many married women do you think you've slept with in your life? If you had to guess, just a

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

ballpark, not to be specific, but probably like, 18.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. So this is what you're into, specifically as married women?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Well, I'm not into it that much anymore.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you imagine, by the way, can you imagine, like, what's his name? Charles Adams Jr. Was mad that his lady was hooking up with Tyrone. Imagine, just for a second, imagine you. You pull into your place early from work one day and you see this human pillow crawling out of a window. This tempurpedic Tomaso over here, this little softy Sancho, this little garbanzo. What do you think about all this?

[D Madness]

It's almost like karma took it out on him in real time. You're gonna 18 married women. Five one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's.

[D Madness]

Yeah, that's the deal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You want to be a side piece? You'll be a wide piece. My goodness gracious. So, Winslow, last time you slept with a married woman?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Oh, man. Not to be specific, but probably like three. Three months ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. So, like, where did you find this woman? Give us an example. We want to walk a day in the life of Sancho Pancho.

[Ari Maddie]

How about these women?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, how do you do it?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Step ladder, usually. I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on. No, give us the real tea here.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Like, hanging out, you know, just like, on the bar scene. I'm really good at, like, shooting pool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

And I guess you pull really well. So just hanging out, drinking, and then, you know, I see someone that kind of looks heartbroken. I'm like, hey, looks like you're having a hard night. Like, you know, just trying to be that. That, you know, lap or shoulder to cry on.

[Ari Maddie]

It's always those guys that your wife. It's never the big handsome guy. It's always a little poncho in the corner.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

And they'll be like, oh, you know, just my, you know, baby daddy ain't.

[Ari Maddie]

You look like a pillow to cry on.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Because I was like. Like, you know, it's mostly ghetto women with like, baby. Like, no baby daddies or God damn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you know, like, wow, you a small, huh? So three months ago was the last one. Take us through it. Exactly. What happened? You're at. You're at a pool hall.

[Alexa Irizarry]

No.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Well, a bar with pool table.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, but that one exactly three months ago. How did you find that one?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Yeah, so I was at a pool hall.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

And I was just, like, waiting for my turn on the table.

[D Madness]

Now, when you play pool, are you, like, visualizing being the cue ball?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Yeah, I'm one with the ball. Yeah. No, it's so. Yeah. And so, like, I just, like, was looking around, and, like, my buddy had gone to the restroom, and I saw some girl just kind of, like, sad at the end of the bar. And, you know, I do okay for myself, monetary wise. So I was like, you know, tall

[Ari Maddie]

is the bar that you hop on.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Probably like to, like, we're like, like,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

a little bit, like, a little bit,

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

like, shorter than that. Probably, like, chest deep.

[Jedi]

Wow.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

And so, yeah, I was like, hey, you know, girl, like, how you doing? You all right? Looks like you're sad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what did she say?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

And she was just like, oh, you know, my baby daddy be tripping. And she was like, oh, you know, he's out with my car right now. And he left me here, and I don't know where he's at. And I was like, it looks like you could use another beer. What are you drinking, Modelo? She was like, yeah. And I was like, all right, cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then what?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

So then, like, after a few more Modelos, I was like, hey, well, I mean, the bar is gonna, like, close soon. I have a car. And she was like, all right. And so then from there, we went to, like, a hotel, and I had, like, tequila as well and, like, my cooler.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, like, you have a little cooler that you keep. Hold on a second.

[Ari Maddie]

It's not a little cooler to him? It's a fridge.

[D Madness]

This feels like gnome fan fiction.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

See, you have a little cooler that you keep where? In the back seat in the trunk.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Usually behind the driver's seat. Because my feet. My seat's far up, so it can fit behind it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Ari Maddie]

Dream lift driver.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. So what made you get a hotel and not take her back to your place?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Oh, I never took it back to my place. Because then, like, when they make up with their baby daddy, they come clean, lean, and they're like, oh, you know, Sancho, blah, blah, blah. Oh, my God, you know, like, you were cheating on me. So I was cheating on you with so and so. And I can't have them coming back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where does this guy live? And they're like the Holiday Inn Express.

[Brian Redban]

Exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Holy. So you're like a master of this craft.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Yeah, I mean. I mean, I've ate time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is there a place big for him?

[Hasan Ahmad]

Yeah, exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's 400 square feet. It's a mansion.

[Ari Maddie]

And he looks at an elevator like damn brooms.

[D Madness]

A sweet at the Holiday Inn Express.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Yeah, My personal beds are full size, but I still have to do a few rolls to get out of it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah, absolutely.

[Ari Maddie]

How small are you? Let me stand next to you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, let's see. Exactly. Oh, my God. Look at that.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

It's like an episode of Twins. You know what I'm saying?

[D Madness]

You guys look like mascots for human trafficking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ari, if you stand there too long, he's going to be asking you why you look so sad. Wow. Sancho Pancho Villa, I am going to give you what appears to be a. I can't remember, how is the set? Is it okay?

[Ari Maddie]

Well, any book is big.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm going to give you what appears to be a huge joke book. It's a massive joke book. There you go. Ladies and gentlemen, Sancho Poncho Via. All right, I'm gonna pull a name out. We're gonna go wrangle that person. In the meanwhile, we have a special treat, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my goodness. There's the lovely Heidi, everyone. All right, hold on a second, because we have a special treat, everybody. This is this man's first time ever doing stand up comedy. This is a new friend of ours that comes from our. Our new found friendship with one of the newest Texans, the great and powerful. Well, I guess we'll just get to it. We'll talk about it in the interview portion. But for now, ladies and gentlemen, this is the Kill Tony debut and his first time doing stand up. A special treat. This is the debut of make some noise for Jedi, everybody. This is Jedi.

[Jedi]

How are you guys doing? I am very, very nervous this evening. I've just been informed by my wife that we're expecting a child. Let me finish. We're expecting a child to come out with some serious allegations against me. And I think this child has a pretty strong case. I'm just kidding. I'm not married, but I would get married. I mean, I've been looking for some love out here. It just seems like the women here, you know, they're older women, you know, junior high.

[Hasan Ahmad]

High.

[Jedi]

Hey, wait, wait a second. I wasn't gonna tell Those jokes. But I actually am looking for. Looking for a woman. I'm looking for a woman. You know, she has to, you know, listen because I talk a lot. She also has to mix it up in the bedroom a little bit. You know, maybe start on her back, maybe move to her stomach, maybe her knees. You know, we'll see. Also, wow. But if I could leave you with one thing, it's just that not all middle aged single men without children or pedophiles, because a lot of us are. Thank you so much. Take it away, Redman.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jedi, specializing in pedophilia jokes, Ladies and gentlemen, gambling it all on pedophile jokes tonight for his debut set. So, Jedi, first of all, how about one more time for Jedi, everybody? Why don't you tell these fine people, Jedi, what you do for work?

[Jedi]

I work with the wonderful Mr. Woody Harrelson. Love you, brother.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The great Woody Harrelson, who just so happens to be a newfound fan of Kill Tony and one of the coolest people in the world. And you've been his stand in.

[Jedi]

Stand in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So when they're setting cameras and doing everything that they have to do for Woody Harrelson and he doesn't have to be there for that, you get to just be there.

[Jedi]

Yeah, that's. That's me. 25 years we've been hanging out together. He's basically family to me. And yeah, I love him so much. And solid. He's super solid, you cats.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Jedi, what made you want to start stand up here tonight?

[Jedi]

You know, I just kind of like, you need to go get on Kill Tony. I mean, I do this every day on a set with cameras in front of me, but for 25 years, I've heard you need to do stand up. You know, I'm not funny when somebody tell jokes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Jedi]

But I mean, I don't know.

[Mason Bird]

I'm here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Jedi]

Great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. What made you commit to purely pedophile jokes here tonight?

[Ari Maddie]

The force.

[Jedi]

I'm not married. No, no. I just saw people on set when they said, hey, we want to. You've got to get on Kill Tony. I had some people help me write some stuff. You know, I was like, is it okay for other people to write jokes? I mean, I've done that for comics. So I just went with it. You know, it. Right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is true. And Jedi is the life of the party when everyone's hanging out. And I'm telling you, Woody and his whole crew knows how to have a lot of fun. It. There's an unbelievable amount of creative energy and Marijuana and tequila and it, it turns into a lot of fun every time we ha out and you're always the life of the party and we never hear a pedophile joke. Then this is the first time I'm finding out about, about your.

[Jedi]

It's a joke, dude.

[William Montgomery]

No, I know, I know, I know.

[Jedi]

I love kids. I have four nieces. I love them to death. They're great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I. I bet you, uncle. I bet you do. Jedi.

[Ari Maddie]

Hey, Jedi. Just, just for some information, the legal age of consent in Estonia, huh? 14.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is it really?

[D Madness]

And you legally have to say that in a tracksuit?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So Jedi, tell us what's some. What's something crazy that, that you've seen out there, you know, while filming. It's got to be a crazy job. It sounds like a show that hasn't been made yet. Like stand ins, like a fun fact. Part of the crew is McConaughey. Stand in and you are like buddies. You guys hang out and you kind of, kind of look like Woody and he kinda kind of looks like McConaughey.

[Jedi]

Well, Henry is incredible. We make a lot of jokes about these guys all the time. It's like we're doing our own show with these cats. You know what I mean? Because it's pretty awesome. It's. You guys are going to love the show. It's called Brothers. It's going to be on Apple tv. I don't have Apple tv, so I won't see. But it's pretty fun. And these guys, I mean, I have so many stories. I don't know if I could. I mean, I guess I could say whatever I wanted, but I want to keep working. Yeah, probably best, you know, we, you know, it's a lot of standing around. You know what he's, you know, either playing hacky sack or looking for a coloring book or something, you know. And Matthew's giving me statistics on a Texas football game.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Jedi]

You know, I could.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was on the sideline with them on Friday night, Texas versus Texas A and M. And it was a lot of fun. Me, those two, the Governor rolling around, popping wheelies on touchdowns. And it was an incredible. It's an incredible thing. Woody has the best marijuana on planet Earth. Do you smoke weed?

[Jedi]

I smoke a lot of weed. I'm gonna do a little plug. Woody has a store called the woods in West Hollywood.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Jedi]

And it's out of control. I mean, you can say there's tree houses, toy.

[Ari Maddie]

I've been there.

[Mitch]

You have?

[Ari Maddie]

Yeah. Just like birds and.

[Jedi]

Yeah.

[Ari Maddie]

It's crazy.

[Jedi]

He got Rid of two of them because Peter showed up like, oh, you know what? You know what?

[Mason Bird]

He.

[Ari Maddie]

Yeah, these birds were all up. This bird didn't know what he is, dude. He was barking

[Brian Redban]

it.

[Ari Maddie]

These birds are up, dude.

[Jedi]

Real Molly and George, I believe we kept George, but the other birds, like, we're getting high. And then, you know, Peter shows up. All these birds are here. And, you know, we love animals, you know what I mean? But a couple of the birds were a little out of control, you know, Amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How does one get into the stand in game? I guess you just have to be cool as hell and people have to want you to be around them. You have to have a good energy and stay positive all the time. Right?

[Jedi]

Yeah. I mean, I just kind of. It was so crazy. I was working on a show called Will and Grace. I don't know if you remember that.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Hasan Ahmad]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you never saw. You don't have a tv.

[Ari Maddie]

Will and Grace is coming out soon in Estonia. We're a little behind.

[Jedi]

Oh, I could go Will and Grace jokes forever, but I don't want to end my career the first night I'm on stage.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're not ending it tonight. You're just getting started, Jedi. But how'd you meet. How'd you get into that?

[Jedi]

I met Wood through our director, Jimmy Burrows, who created Cheers. He introduced us and he's like, you got. You guys are going to love each other. You know, I was like the weed guy working on the show, you know, I was like, it was crazy. I don't even, like, read the scripts. Jimmy would come in and he's like, hey, you know. Well, he's like, I want you to meet my friend. I'm like, I don't give a. About celebrities. He's like, I want you to meet Woody Harrelson. I'm like, I love that guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[Jedi]

And he goes, you guys are going to be friends forever. Here we are 25 years later.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But so you've stood in on everything.

[Jedi]

Not everything. You know, somebody has to water the plants.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Ah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you mean exactly?

[Alexa Irizarry]

Weed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yes. Got it.

[Ari Maddie]

True Detective. Did you do that one?

[Jedi]

I didn't do True Detective weed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is ridiculous weed. By the way, I have been lucky enough to smoke with all the big smokers. Right. Snoop is a buddy. Worked with him on and off for the last 15 years. All about them. I smoked Woody Harrelson's weed recently and I had to go for a walk. Like a legit walk. In fact, I did again on Friday night. We ended up gravitating from the sideline up to McConaughey's suite. He handed me a little sneaky vape pen, which is like the size of a. I don't even know, like a. Like, it was a. It's a giant vape pen. I don't even know where it came from. I hit it twice. I handed it back, back. And he goes, you want to hit it one more time? And there's a part where you're. I kind of knew, like, I should let that settle in. And now I. He. But he's kind of like, come on, come on, buddy. And when Woody Harrelson's like, come on, come on, buddy. Like, it's a little peer pressure. And. And I did. And then almost immediately afterwards, I'm like, okay, I'm gonna. I'm gonna go for a little walk. I'll be. I'll see you guys in a little bit. And I got lost outside of Texas stadium for about 20, 25 minutes. I was outside, back inside, outside, inside. It was crazy. And I'm a grown ass man, and this is how good. And I smoke every single day continuously.

[Jedi]

Well, you're lucky you can walk.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, it's very tricky. So, Jedi, let me ask you this. You're definitely. You were making jokes, but what's your love life actually like? Tell us about it.

[Jedi]

My love? You mean my rub life?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you mean?

[Ari Maddie]

Do you stand in for Woody on that one, too? All right, she's ready to bust Woody.

[Jedi]

What I mean is you're almost out of lotion in the green room is what I mean. I'm, like, this close to getting sponsored by jerkins. Seriously.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? What do you do? What do you. You watch, like, porn or something? When you ask?

[Jedi]

No, I don't. I don't have cable dude. Internet. I live in a cable dude.

[D Madness]

Dude,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

do you have a. You do you just use your imagination?

[Jedi]

No, I. It's been since June 15th. I had my first Asian taco. It was incredible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, what do you mean?

[Jedi]

I mean, I slept with an Asian woman.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[D Madness]

Why was that more gross than when you were talking about pedophilia?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was crazy, dude.

[Brian Redban]

That was a joke.

[Ari Maddie]

Asian taco.

[Jedi]

I've got writers, dude.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

Yeah.

[Jedi]

Come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So this Asian taco, how exactly where did you meet this girl at?

[Jedi]

In Texas?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Just the great state of Texas. Just somewhere between El Paso and Corpus Christi.

[Ari Maddie]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You met her?

[Jedi]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, and what did you learn that day? Was that your first Asian woman that you.

[Jedi]

It was. It was said, hey, I'm going to, you know, I'm going to give you this taco and it's don't fall in love. Love. And. And, you know, I was like, I kind of did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Jedi]

But I'm over it now.

[Hasan Ahmad]

Do you pay for a 30 minute massage or.

[D Madness]

So you were saying you were hungry for more. 30 minutes later.

[Jedi]

That weed is really strong. She spent the night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah, Jedi, you have made your Kill Tony debut. The sand in Jedi.

[Hasan Ahmad]

If you ever want to do a couple minutes at the secret show, it's

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

open for you anytime.

[Hasan Ahmad]

Want to try it out?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you want it. If you want to do it again.

[Alexa Irizarry]

Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thursday night. Thank you so much. Absolutely. Guys, how about a hamper? Jedi, ladies and gentlemen. Who knows? Maybe when Brothers comes out on Apple tv. When's it. When do you think that's coming out, Jedi? February, March, If I had to get.

[Jedi]

Oh, no, it's coming out next. Next fall.

[William Montgomery]

Next.

[Jedi]

And it's incredible, you guys. It's insane.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It.

[Jedi]

It's Kenny Power. It's hilarious.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Love it. The return of McConaughey and Woody back together.

[Jedi]

Thank you guys so much. Thank you, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jedi ladies and gentlemen. Maybe we'll be able to talk Woody and McConaughey into joining us on panel sometime. Who knows? Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Ryan Shields, everybody. Ryan Shields. Woo.

[Evan Quigley]

Thank you.

[Ryan Shields]

So I raised my kids in the suburbs of San Antonio. And when my daughter first started dating, one of her friends let it slip that her boyfriend was in a gang, I said, no, he's not. He lives in the cul de sac. First time I met the kid, he was. I looked at him, I was like, who you repping the lactose intolerant kings? Hey, take your wheat out of you and get the fuck out of here.

[Ari Maddie]

I know.

[Ryan Shields]

Like, look, all I'm saying is if you can't process dairy or certain multigrains, I'm not afraid of you. Yeah, fuck off, Tanner. I will end you with a milkshake and a bagel right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I see this all the time,

[Ryan Shields]

and it needs to stop.

[Ari Maddie]

I don't know.

[Ryan Shields]

Who needs to tell them? Maybe it's me. But look, how are you supposed to be for these streets with peanut allergies and autism?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Him?

[Mason Bird]

I don't know.

[Ryan Shields]

Some of you ladies, you're still worried about walking alone in the park or going to your car at night. Just start moisturizing with peanut oil. Yeah, take his breath away. If that doesn't work, I just use my dad voice and I just go, hey, and they freeze because it activates their autism. It was like seeing a tiger in the.

[Mason Bird]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Ryan Shields, welcome of the show. Ryan, Ari, give it up for a

[Ari Maddie]

stand in for a fat creepy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, somehow you make Jedi look like Dave Chappelle. That's incredible. Ryan, how long you been doing standup?

[Ryan Shields]

About 14 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

14 years? Holy man. Wow. That's crazy. Where at? In the Liver King's backyard. My God. Where have you been doing stand up for 14 years?

[Ryan Shields]

Oh, I'm out of San Antonio.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, out of San Antonio? That's where you've always lived?

[Hasan Ahmad]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Ari, what do you want to say? I see you.

[Ari Maddie]

No, no, no, it's over.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it's okay. Do it.

[Ari Maddie]

No, the joke. It was a Liver King joke and you said it. And I fucked up, okay? And I got nervous and now I'm. I'm over it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Ryan, what do you do for a living?

[Ryan Shields]

I do stand up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God damn it. That's exactly what I was hoping you wouldn't say. So was that just a rough, rough, rough set?

[Ryan Shields]

Yeah, that usually goes a lot better. I think I just led into it. Weird. It's more of a lead up to it, but, eh, you know it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Here we are. Here we are. Ryan, 14 years. Do you think you have like a better joke that you could have done instead? Yeah. So like a banger of a joke that you have after 14 years. Yeah. All right, let's do that. Ladies and gentlemen, Ryan Shields. All right, let's.

[Ryan Shields]

Let's try this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's try it again.

[Ryan Shields]

14 years I. I've been hanging out with these young comedians. So they get me to try this new shit. Like I've tried aluminum free deodorant.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ryan Shields]

It doesn't work. And the problem is it's deceptive because like you put it on as soon as you get out of the shower, you're like, oh, that does smell like coconuts. But then like four hours later you're like, oh, those coconuts have turned. I think I found out where the rum is gone. So I went right back to aluminum. I know it's bad for you. I know RFK's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like it causes autism.

[Ryan Shields]

I don't give a shit. I could use a touch of the tism.

[Mason Bird]

I'm fine.

[Ryan Shields]

Like, I could be into trains.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

Yeah.

[Ryan Shields]

It's better than the other trains I've been a part of. Look, I was an engineer on that train, all right? I want you to think something weird, like that's where you want to be. You want to be an Engineer on those trains. You do not want to be a caboose because you're pushing a lot of loads in front of you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Ryan, let's talk about it. How much money are you making a year doing stand up? A year? Yeah.

[Ryan Shields]

About 50 grand.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And you love it? You love it. Oh, you do. You would never do anything else.

[Ryan Shields]

Nothing else.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So do you have any, like, side hustles or anything like that? Oh, I'll do a podcast.

[Ryan Shields]

I do.

[Mason Bird]

I act a little bit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What have you acted in?

[Ryan Shields]

There's a little show on Paramount plus called Landman.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. You've been on Landman?

[Ari Maddie]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Ryan Shields]

For 37 seconds. But I'm in it, so I'm counting it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yep. Well, you have a little cheering section over there of what appears to be mentally ill hillbillies. Ryan, tell us something wild about your life that would surprise us.

[William Montgomery]

Wild?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ryan Shields]

You just had a colonoscopy. I don't know if that's wild.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Red band just had his first colonoscopy. You guys are calling Osce Brothers over here.

[Hasan Ahmad]

Let me tell you, it sucks. When I was getting mine done and they're wheeling you down the hallway with all the nurses and doctors, and one of the nurses or doctors recognized me and goes, you're really doing it, Red Man. It.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you serious?

[Hasan Ahmad]

I'm serious.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So funny.

[Ari Maddie]

You're really doing it, Ran.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Man, that is so funny.

[Ari Maddie]

What came out of your ass?

[Hasan Ahmad]

That's why Jre asked, like, do you go to, like, a special private doctor?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. That's amazing. What did he say? Does he go to a special doctor?

[Hasan Ahmad]

I guess he's like, it's none of your business.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, that makes sense.

[Ari Maddie]

But isn't it like, you. You can't eat a few days before, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Because 24 hours.

[Hasan Ahmad]

Yeah, it's cool because you actually go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I would have loved to. To have seen that reality show.

[William Montgomery]

Holy.

[Ari Maddie]

One of the most difficult things Redman

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

has ever done in his red band was like the. The old lady in A Requiem for a Dream. Like, the kitchen's just like, hello, red band. Come on over here. The cupboards are, like, shaking. Just cereal boxes spilling themselves onto the floor. No, no.

[Ari Maddie]

The bread that you could stick your thumb in and use liquor would.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This was floating Olive Garden bread sticks in the air. Just Alfredo sauce pouring out of the kitchen sink. No, no. Oh, that's amazing. How did you make it through that 24 hours time?

[Hasan Ahmad]

It really sucks. It was our buddy's birthday party. Matt and I had this great idea, like, oh, you know, let's get, I can drink tonight. Let's get wasted tonight. And then I thought I could eat in the morning and I read when I got home you couldn't, so I had a hangover. I couldn't eat anything. I was actually, I, I, I chewed stuff and just spit it out in the trash can.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cuz I, Jesus Christ.

[Ari Maddie]

That's the fattest thing, that's the fattest thing I've ever heard in my life.

[D Madness]

I've never heard anyone micro do food before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's crazy. I almost just fainted right then. That is the most red band thing I think I've ever heard.

[Hasan Ahmad]

And they give you all this medicine so you just yourself every like five minutes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Let's go back. What type of food were you chewing and spitting out?

[Hasan Ahmad]

I had leftovers from the place. It was like a steak. And you're just chewing it, drinking the juice. And then, then I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and spit it out. That's about it. Yeah. Oh, and ice. I, I, I had a lot of ice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You swallowed the ice? Wow. God. Oh God. Oh, it's so funny. God, that's amazing.

[D Madness]

Can you even spit out all of peanut butter and jelly? You just ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He had a little shrapnel.

[Hasan Ahmad]

Little bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He had a little, there's no peanut butter juice coming out of there.

[Ari Maddie]

And then you yourself there too, right?

[Hasan Ahmad]

I didn't myself there. No. I, I got to the point where I couldn't sleep that night because I was every 10 minutes to the point where stomach bile, just stomach bile. But what was interesting is like when I could eat, how long it took to get to become food. It was like, like seven hours. Like I didn't, wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It takes about, not a lot of people know this, but that night, red band diarrhea and a stripper's at perfect 10. All right, Ryan Shields. You know, I mean, I don't know what it is. Maybe it's, maybe it's just the sound or the lights or something, but 14 years, maybe it's just the pressure, maybe your timing's a little bit off, but it just wasn't, it wasn't great, it wasn't connecting here tonight, but sign up again, come back, it's a short drive from San Antonio. Ryan Shields, very interesting thing. Brian Shields, everybody. Wow, that's just wild. 14 years, huh? And there we go. We end up talking about your colonoscopy for half his interview. All right, let's do this. This will be our final bucket pull of the night. We're in overtime here. Make some noise for Matthew Lor, everybody. Matthew Lo.

[Matthew Lor]

Going over time for me. Thank you. I was about 11 years old, on a play date. My friend Kyle. The first time I walked in, my mom having sex. It's my fault. I was on my way to the kitchen. Real private place. The Rice Krispies were taking a while. I'll never forget. I was walking down the hallway. I turned the corner. A small detail, tiny detail. There's only two adults in the house. My mom and Kyle's mom. That's it. So I turned the corner. I'll never forget. That's true story. I see my mom pinning this woman to the wall. Left hand throat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, just plug it in there. Now that there's tape there, you can't even see where to put it in. Yeah, just give him that one. Yeah, put that down. There you go. Matthew Lor, everybody. Continue. My bad, guys. God damn. Keep going.

[Matthew Lor]

I turn the corner, and she's pinning this woman to the wall. Left hand throw, right hand thigh. I freeze. Right before I can run back to the room, she grabs her other ass cheek, picks her up, and pins her to that. She pushes her pelvis forward. I don't know why, but I'm so proud that my mom's at top. Does that make sense? Like, I never told Kyle, but I didn't feel a sense of superiority. Like, kids at school be like, my

[Alexa Irizarry]

dad will beat up your dad.

[Matthew Lor]

My mom will will your mom dog. What are we talking about? What the are we talking about? Am I. I'm a 90s kid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She does De Rebot.

[Matthew Lor]

That works.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, we got there. Matthew Lor. Welcome. All right, Matthew Lor. Okay. Welcome, Matthew. Is this your first time on the show?

[Matthew Lor]

Second time. I used to have long hair, but I shaved it so I can do slurs again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of slurs are you doing exactly?

[William Montgomery]

Why.

[D Madness]

Why did the hair stop? You're like,

[Matthew Lor]

it was do hip be. People thought I was left wing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Matthew, how long you been doing standup?

[Matthew Lor]

I say like four to five years, but I didn't start taking it seriously until I moved to Austin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When was that?

[Matthew Lor]

About a year.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

About a year ago?

[Matthew Lor]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, that's amazing. Short time. Somehow eight times funnier than a guy that's been doing it 14 years. What do you do for work, Matthew?

[Matthew Lor]

I actually work at Cap City. A door guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right. So that's the second employee from Cap City tonight. How do you like working up there at the domain.

[Matthew Lor]

That's cool. Yeah. I'm just trying to do everything that I can to get as close as I can to comedy, honestly.

[Ari Maddie]

You get to watch comedians?

[Mason Bird]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ari Maddie]

I used to be a door guy too. It's a great opportunity to watch comedians and learn. It's awesome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Son and I were tour guys at the Comedy Store. Yeah.

[Ari Maddie]

Any young comedians, that's the number one thing, how you get closest to the comedy. I mean, of course you can do open mics, but you can only learn so much much from a guy who's 14 years in and still at Narar.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Ari Maddie]

So you can learn from professional comedians. Yeah, they get good comedians there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They get good comedian. Yeah, that's.

[Ari Maddie]

Do you sometimes like, how do you get on stage at Cap City?

[Matthew Lor]

Do you sometimes open open mic? But they don't give us a lot of stage. That's a cuz.

[Ari Maddie]

That's like the bonus of also being a door guy. Nobody going up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It also depends where you're a door guy big time. Right. Like the comedy store has three rooms and those rooms all have comedians doing 15 minutes. So you end up with 16 comedians in one room, 14 in another, and eight in another. And then they flip two of those three of those rooms to do it all again. Whereas Cap City probably only has what, four? Yeah. Two comedians, two rooms. But there's an opener, a feature, and a headliner. Right? That's every show, pretty much.

[Matthew Lor]

I'm trying. I'm just trying to get as much time as I can.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Camp, that's. Where were you a door guy at? Tell us. We don't know.

[Ari Maddie]

I was a door guy shortly at Comics Lounge in Australia and I was a door guy at another club in Vancouver called Yuk Yucks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I remember Yuck Yucks. And I've been to the Comics Lounge many times.

[Ari Maddie]

Yeah.

[Mitch]

Yeah.

[Ari Maddie]

Comic sounds didn't work out too much. I had to like, do the work. I was watching too much comedy. Nice guys, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were once on a show many, many, many moons ago.

[Ari Maddie]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

First time we met, me and Joe Rogan invaded Melbourne, Australia. And you were randomly on that show.

[Ari Maddie]

Yeah, I did a guest spot. You guys were doing the theater and then you came down to the club. This was like nine years ago or something. Y. Yeah. And also that night was one of those magical nights where. Yeah, somebody was missing. And then they gave me three minutes. I ran the light to the five and bombed. But you guys didn't see that you were smoking weed in the back. It was cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perfect.

[Ari Maddie]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It all worked out perfect.

[Ari Maddie]

It was awesome. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Matthew, tell us something crazy about your life, your real life, that we would find interesting or compelling. You were on the show once before. You've had enough time to think about a second interview on this show. You're in it right now.

[Matthew Lor]

Actually, I'll be competing Thursday night. Jiu Jitsu on.

[Ari Maddie]

You look like you.

[Mason Bird]

Yeah.

[Matthew Lor]

December.

[Ari Maddie]

Oh, yeah.

[Matthew Lor]

I got the ear stuff.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Ari Maddie]

That was the only thing I didn't get. I really want the ears.

[Mason Bird]

Yeah.

[Ari Maddie]

I want the cauliflower. Yeah.

[Matthew Lor]

If he's a smasher between.

[Ari Maddie]

I know. I actually tried it. You put two bricks and smash it. But my ears are so malleable. You literally fold them up in your ass and nothing happens.

[Matthew Lor]

No, no.

[Ari Maddie]

I love those ears.

[Matthew Lor]

No, thank you. It's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's all.

[Matthew Lor]

It's all for show. That's why we do it.

[Ari Maddie]

Don't belt. Are you.

[Hasan Ahmad]

Don't you do a podcast with Brian Callan?

[Brian Redban]

All right, never mind.

[Hasan Ahmad]

That did not work.

[Matthew Lor]

Oh, yeah. That's. Don't ever disrespect me like that again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I get it. That's great. Oh, that's crazy.

[Matthew Lor]

Sorry.

[Alexa Irizarry]

Sorry.

[Matthew Lor]

I just don't like that guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red, man, I wish you could chew that joke up and spit it out.

[Ari Maddie]

But, yeah, you came out and you did. Like, you went straight into material, and it was like, multiple. The last joker, of course, the mic. Such a fucking mishap. But in standup, always that happens. There's heckles, there's whatever. So you have to adapt to that. But sometimes, yeah, when you come out here, there's a lot of pressure, and sometimes it's good to leave a beat of silence before you go into material. So the cognitive functions, like, get a. Get accustomed to what you look like. So sometimes if you go, okay, well,

[D Madness]

you said cognitive functions.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's like, I think I have some cognitive functions.

[Ari Maddie]

And so sometimes if you go straight into it, they miss the first joke. Okay, but I get it. You want to get it out. You want to get it out. Sometimes silence has more information than noise, so you can.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is very, very true.

[D Madness]

And, like, there's a whole thing of, you know, you want to get as many jokes as you, but you sometimes just got to quit when you're ahead.

[Brian Redban]

The.

[D Madness]

My mom will fuck your mom got a big laugh. It was after the meow end the set right there.

[Matthew Lor]

Yeah, fair. That's true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Okay, so, Matthew, I'm gonna be honest with you. Jiu Jitsu. That jacket, you kind of seem like you could have some real douchebag qualities, too.

[Jedi]

That's fair.

[Matthew Lor]

That's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Give us an example of what the douchiest thing about you is.

[Matthew Lor]

Douchiest thing?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Oh.

[Charles Adams Jr.]

Oh.

[Matthew Lor]

Do we go honest? I had an affair. Had an affair.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's talk about it.

[Jedi]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you were married?

[Matthew Lor]

I was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then what happened?

[Matthew Lor]

The marriage wasn't going well. And then I met this beautiful yoga teacher that broke my heart.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so you. Did you take her yoga class? Where'd you meet her at?

[Matthew Lor]

We were actually working together. I had just gotten out the military, and she was a swim coach. I was a lifeguard at a gym.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. And you were a lifeguard.

[Mason Bird]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And she was a swim coach. And then what happened?

[Matthew Lor]

We. We gave each other the eyes across the pool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then what happened?

[Matthew Lor]

And then. And then, you know, things happened. I ended up being honest with my wife. I did do that. And afterwards.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. No.

[Matthew Lor]

I didn't do anything physical with her until. Until me and my wife were divorced.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you said to your wife, you go, look, I've been given eyes to a swim instructor.

[Matthew Lor]

To the swim instructor.

[Jedi]

Yeah.

[Ari Maddie]

And the instructor know you're married, too?

[Jedi]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn.

[Ari Maddie]

Yeah, but that's harder for me.

[Matthew Lor]

Yeah, Dude, I think she was into it.

[Ari Maddie]

Women love that.

[Matthew Lor]

She's like, I'm. I take them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. So you told your wife that you were going to leave her?

[Brian Redban]

That.

[Matthew Lor]

Yeah, I was. I was in love with this other woman.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then how were you in love if you had never done.

[Matthew Lor]

Because I was 24 and retarded.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And now how old are you?

[Matthew Lor]

32.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

32. And

[Matthew Lor]

so last, but still pretty.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long after you told your wife? So you started hooking up with a swim instructor? Shortly thereafter. And how long did that last?

[Matthew Lor]

About three months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three months. And then what happened? You said she broke your heart.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did she break your heart?

[Matthew Lor]

She decided to stay with her husband.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Ari Maddie]

Oh, my God. This is so hot.

[Hasan Ahmad]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is amazing thing.

[Ari Maddie]

This is so hot.

[D Madness]

This story is a one five one Mexican away.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Mitch]

Perfect.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was just gonna say Sancho Pancho Villa is going to be finding the shallow end of that pool real quick here.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Ari Maddie]

If your wife is banging dude and you show up and it's this guy, cauliflower or douchebag, then you're like, I get it. But Poncho.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Poncho, she's gonna be sipping that back seat tequila any day now.

[William Montgomery]

Now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Ari Maddie]

And then like, what, now you have no wife? No new love?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no, no.

[Mitch]

I'm.

[Matthew Lor]

I'm with somebody. And in a stable relationship. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you regret leaving your wife at the time for her?

[Matthew Lor]

Do you think I regret the way I handled it? I was just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was just, you know, 24.

[Matthew Lor]

Yeah, I was 24 and stupid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Matthew Lor]

I wish I would have handled it incredibly different.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you save anybody's lives as a lifeguard?

[Matthew Lor]

I mean, I helped some silly kids that didn't know how to swim.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fun fact. A lot not a lot of people know this. The world's worst lifeguard of all time D Madness, ladies and gentlemen. Not only is he blind, but he also definitely can't swim. Is that right? D oh, he's always full of surprises, this guy. Of course he can swim. You swim a lot. D okay, very good.

[D Madness]

Hitting the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, Matthew, you don't. You're not allowed to make jokes at D Madness. Shut your mouth. I will find you.

[Ari Maddie]

Now I'll feel you.

[D Madness]

Were you swimming or did someone put you in a bathtub?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Hasan, how dare you? D man is about to beat you to death with a bass guitar. Damn right. All right, Matthew. Fun times, buddy. Here you go. Here's a medium. Medium joke book. Congratulations, Matthew LaCour. On to the finale of the night, ladies and gentlemen, with Ari, Maddie here, Dedrick in the middle. There's only one way to end a show like this, and that is with our Hulk Hogan, if you will, our hall of famer with the most appearances, the most interviews, a living member of the kil Tony hall of Fame. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Memphis Strangler. The big red machine, the vanilla gorilla. This is William Montgomery.

[William Montgomery]

I told Red band about Black Friday, and he said they already get February. Now, Friday, I feel like the results of my polygraph tests are gaslighting me. The other day, I watched a David lynch film dubbed in Portuguese, and it finally all makes sense. A doctor ran some tests on Kim Kardashian and concluded that she has low brain activity. A few years ago, that same doctor ran some tests on Lebron James and concluded that he is black.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, that's right. Time. Thank you, William. Lights out Montgomery, the fighting pride of Memphis, Tennessee. And here he is with a brand new look. I love it. What have you been y.

[William Montgomery]

Freezing outside.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are adorable.

[Ari Maddie]

Very nice.

[William Montgomery]

I'm very bald. I don't know if people. It's always very. It gets in my head a lot when I have to lean down and get to grab a napkin or something when I'm on stage and I lean over and I'm always like, wait, hold on. Am I going bald or something?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not a lot of people know this but that's what a Indian woman's vagina looks like.

[D Madness]

We do look like a photo negative of each other.

[William Montgomery]

I know. You look good, Assan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You too.

[D Madness]

You do got a good Elmer Fudd

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

vibe going on right now.

[D Madness]

Thank you.

[William Montgomery]

Thank you. Yeah, I bought a bunch of these hats on ebay. I've been going on a tear, Tony. I, I, I grew up with this hat. But I got some other ones coming in the mail and I actually caught the FedEx.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The.

[William Montgomery]

That works at FedEx. I caught her today not delivering one of my packages up the steps. It pissed me off and I said, hey, thanks so much. I'll grab that from you. And she doesn't even look up to do. She doesn't even look at me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

So I think I'm going to try to do something to her next time, I think.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, like, whoa.

[William Montgomery]

Wrap her in something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you. What exactly do you mean? What are you going to.

[William Montgomery]

There's a place you could walk. When you're walking out to my plate, there's a place where I'm gonna put some string or some rope or something and her stupid ass is gonna trip.

[Ari Maddie]

You're really bad. Scary guy to look at while you're working. At.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, look at me. Yeah.

[Luke Aaron]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

Just on ebay. I've just been on ebay a ton.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You can't tell the kil. Tony regulars are making a lot of money. You have William on ebay?

[William Montgomery]

Say that.

[Brian Redban]

No.

[Ryan Shields]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. That's right. You know, it's not.

[William Montgomery]

No, but seriously, I mean, it seems like this year the economy is maybe not as good. That's what I'm finding. Maybe people just don't think I'm funny. I don't know. I think I'm doing a wonderful show up there, but it's. It's less and less tickets being sold. I mean, it's turning into a real nightmare for me, so. Tony, that's why I stopped you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got Ari Maddie coming in with custom made jogging suits. You have Dedrick, who's only been a regular for like four weeks. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

What the.

[William Montgomery]

How his money.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what I. You already have a. Yeah. You have 15 oriental rugs that you've been talking about the last couple weeks.

[William Montgomery]

They were from ebay. They were kind of cheap.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is your thing with not admitting that you've done well for yourself?

[William Montgomery]

It's okay. I mean, I'm 38. There's a. Hopefully a decent amount of time for me to live. It could all just end tomorrow, Tony. I have to Be just so careful. And now I'm stressed out about. I'm still in the funk. I still have not done the row machine. It's very sad. I have.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So your sciatica acted up and you've been taking a big break from the row machine and that has affected you in a great many ways. Is that correct?

[Charles Adams Jr.]

Yes.

[William Montgomery]

It's been about a month.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. And are you thinking about getting back into rowing?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, I have to. I have to just go force myself. I've been staying up all night. I finished a puzzle. Everybody would be proud. I think I finished a thousand piece puzzle in two days in less than. Less than 48 hours. And I'm starting on another one tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

I already literally, I went through. I have a method now. I get all the pieces up, I get piles of them and I get it. Get them separated into the colors while I'm also looking for the edge pieces.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow.

[Ari Maddie]

Somehow you are way scarier than the jiu jitsu guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ari Maddie]

A guy doing puzzles.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you organize the column colors while also looking for the edge pieces. That is amazing. I've never heard of an approach of doing puzzles like this. What was the last puzzle you did? What could people. What would people expect to see on the puzzle that William Montgomery did?

[William Montgomery]

Oh, my gosh. Talk about the last one. The one I just finished.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What's on that puzzle?

[William Montgomery]

The one I literally.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, let's hear about it. It's the one you just did. The puzzle. People are guessing. Wolves and trains. Wolves and trains. What an idiot.

[William Montgomery]

No, it had nothing to do with fucking wolves and trains, dumbass. Wolves and trains. You think I'm doing a fucking puzzle with wolves and trains? No, this puzzle was an open fucking refrigerator, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[William Montgomery]

I worked on a watermelon for a while last night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. What else was in there?

[William Montgomery]

I don't know. That was the most exciting. That had a lot of red in it. I had a bunch of red pieces of red pieces of red cake glass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You could see the seeds too, probably, right?

[Jedi]

No.

[William Montgomery]

Is it seedless water?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, seedless watermelon.

[William Montgomery]

The texture. I was looking for the red specific red texture with that red.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Interesting.

[Hasan Ahmad]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Almost like a dark paint pink.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, it was like a dark pink color.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So there was just a open refrigerator with just a watermelon in it. A cut open watermelon. That's the whole puzzle.

[William Montgomery]

There's also a gallon of milk today.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, a gallon of milk. Wow. The world wants to know what else was in the refrigerator.

[William Montgomery]

Tony. I have been drinking a bunch of milk but not with my protein shake, because I'm doing the row machine. Because I'm eating two giant bowls of. What is this cereal? It has all branded Mini Wheats.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you love frosted Mini Wheats. This is my mom's favorite cereal.

[William Montgomery]

Oh, it's wonderful. Yeah. So I'm off of the fiber. I'm eating that. I'm hurting myself a lot right now, Tony. I've got to get out of it. I've got to snap out of it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[William Montgomery]

It's getting scary.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us more.

[William Montgomery]

You don't want to hear it. It's getting real scary. I'm literally planning on tripping the woman from FedEx tomorrow. And I don't think I should be talking about it right now. We have a nice looking police officer. Some nice guy over there. I don't think I need to be talking about this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The police love us. They'll cover for you.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, I'm gonna get her ass tomorrow. I have something real heavy coming tomorrow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, something very heavy.

[Ari Maddie]

Just keep ordering heavier and heavier things.

[William Montgomery]

But I gotta snap out of it, Tony, so we'll see.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay? All right. And what are you gonna do if this FedEx woman is carrying that box to your place? Place sees the string and steps over the string. Exactly. What's your plan then? Maybe. Maybe just straight up assault or something.

[William Montgomery]

Like a mud ball.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A mud ball?

[William Montgomery]

It's been raining.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A mud ball?

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

Mud ball.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're gonna find. You're gonna accumulate.

[William Montgomery]

Put some rocks in it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've never even heard of.

[Ari Maddie]

That's the most white truck.

[D Madness]

A mud ball?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah. Oh, my gosh. Back in Memphis, my buddies and I there.

[Brian Redban]

My.

[William Montgomery]

One of my friends lived on this very dark street. And the cars would go very fast. And after it would rain, we would all be on the side and we would honk. These just things of. Of mud and rocks slam into the glass windows. And we would all go run and hide and it was very exciting. I did that a lot growing up.

[D Madness]

Say balls of mud and rocks. It's very Muslim of you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A mudball does sound like a slur that I would call a son in the green room on a Tuesday or Wednesday night. I usually call him a sand rabbit. Little fun fact. You can call anybody you want a slur. If you make the slur up yourself, you can't use a slur that's been used before. It's very easy. You take something of that ethnicity and you mix it with a cute animal.

[William Montgomery]

What's that one you've been. You were talking about? The Other day, red band. You were doing something. You've been talking.

[Hasan Ahmad]

Actually, I called David Lucas a mud. That's what where you found that for him?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that true?

[Hasan Ahmad]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh

[Luke Aaron]

yeah.

[William Montgomery]

That'd be embarrassing, Tony. If that's really what I talk mud balls cuz his dumb ass. That would be.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, well, what's on the new puzzle? Before I let you go, what's in the puzzle that you're working on?

[William Montgomery]

This one has a bunch of cakes. I was confusing myself. This one has a whole bunch of cakes and it's got a bunch of primary colors. It's got red, reds, it's got blues, it's got yellows.

[D Madness]

I feel like you're feeling yourself putting this puzzle together. You have the whole like Bob Ross of puzzle thing.

[William Montgomery]

I'm about to go do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

Well, I'm very excited. I'm about to. I'm about to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nothing brings this show to a climax better than you. Thanks for having starting a new puzzle. We love you. Thanks for having me, Tony. William Montgomery, this episode brought to you by Prize Picks. We did it again. This is a crazy, crazy show with a crazy bucket. Tonight we had a lot of fun. Somehow other than the regulars, somehow the. The trans. Trans woman stole the show. The drawing from Ryan J e belt is in. It is absolutely incredible. That is indeed a sauna Mod and re Maddie. Let's see what the local artist Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, it's Dedrick. Dedrick Pre grill. Dedrick Red band.

[Hasan Ahmad]

Check out my fake band Cap Red 7 on iTunes and YouTube.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you guys want to plug?

[D Madness]

I got a podcast called the solid show with my friend Derek Poston and then I have a special coming out soon in January called too soon. Look for it on the podcast channel.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Ari Matti.

[Ari Maddie]

I am on my first national American tour called here to stay and tickets are really, really low at the moment in Atlanta. We have 900 available, three sold. So for the love of God, do you like me or do you like me?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He is one of the best standup comedians in the world. AR maddie.com It's a. It's a brand new tour. He's being very humble right now. Pre sale starts well, it's going to be on sale when this episode comes out. So go to remaddy.com support the great and powerful Estonian assassin. He. He could be weeks away from becoming the newest citizen of the United States of America. Ladies and gentlemen, shout out again to our very good friend Jedi who made his debut tonight. Shout out to team Woody Harrelson. Who?

[Ari Maddie]

We bought a knife on Thanksgiving.

[Luke Aaron]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A new knife? That is an American $10 from the corner store. That is amazing. Amazing. I'm glad you pulled it out. After the bucket pools are all gone, we could be dead. God bless this audience and God bless the United States of America. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody.

[Alexa Irizarry]

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas, is now open. Check out out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.