#736 - JAMES MCCANN + DAVE LANDAU

Summary

Kill Tony #736 – Summary & Highlights

Guests: James McCann & Dave Landau
Recorded: September 23, 2025 | Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, Texas

---

Overview

This episode of Kill Tony brought together comedians James McCann, promoting his special Black Israelite, and Dave Landau, author of Party of One. Hosted by Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban, the show featured their trademark chaotic fun: comedians performing one minute sets drawn at random, followed by often wild, revealing, and sometimes deeply personal interview segments. The conversation careened through bits about relationships, family, sex, identity, mental health, and the weird side gigs of comics, exemplifying why Kill Tony is the "number one live podcast in the world".

---

1. Opening & Band Intros [00:00 – 04:15]

• Brian Redban introduces the show and energetic atmosphere at the Comedy Mothership.
• The house band is introduced with comedic banter around the musicians’ sunglasses, sleep habits, and Redban’s penchant for chaos.
• Tony Hinchcliffe teases the unpredictable “fly invasion” that persists throughout the show.

---

2. Guests On Stage [04:15 – 06:30]

• James McCann and Dave Landau join the panel to enthusiastic applause.
• James’ new special, Black Israelite, is out on YouTube; Dave’s book is discussed.
• Hinchcliffe praises both as "2025 guest of the year frontrunners".
• James McCann: “What a joy it is to be here with these beautiful people.” [04:36]

---

3. Comedian Bucket Pulls: Comedy, Chaos & Interviews

Each comic gets ~1 minute to perform, then is grilled/interviewed by Tony, the guests, and the band.

---

3.1 Colin Sledge [06:45 – 13:59]

Highlights & Quotes

• Stand-up highlights: check engine light = feminine energy; Godfather vs. girlfriend’s coworker stories.
• Details relationship tensions with his comic girlfriend.
• Admits to using sunglasses to pull his shirt down because the fabric bothers his neck: “The feeling of sunglasses on your neck is better than a shirt.” [11:00]
• Interview devolves into tales of edible-induced jazz confusion at a band show, visiting sex museums, and birthday confessions.
• Quote: “I went to the sex museum… did a 4D thing, it sprayed water in my face. It was really upsetting.” [13:13]

---

3.2 Juanita [15:01 – 23:33]

Highlights

• Self-deprecating, sharp trans comic material about friendship, suicide, and work.
• Discusses being trans, family not knowing, working as a waitress, and “dressing down” for family visits.
• Juanita: “My family doesn’t know I’m trans. Just my two sisters.” [18:14]
• Panel riffs on quinceañeras and gender/ethnic interplay.

---

3.3 Pat O’Neill [24:23 – 32:56]

Highlights

• Edgy humor: Tiger Woods, midgets, and dark family jokes.
• Admits to being “bad at networking” because he’s “unlikable.”
• Revealed as an “open micr,” works at a mortgage company, and has the look of someone from the 1980s.
• Hilarious back-and-forth about dating, steak, candy, and awkward breakups.
• Quote: “I like steak, I like candy, I like girls, I like movies.” [28:04]

---

3.4 Olivia Coughlin [33:18 – 42:44]

Highlights

• First stand-up ever: awkward “cleaner eating my salad” story.
• Admits family’s “life-long cleaner,” tries to clarify privilege; panel roasts her for using “cleaner” and not “housekeeper.”
• Works at a tennis shop, tried screenwriting, did stand-up because people say she’s funny.
• Interview peppers her about relationships, manliness, and sexual disappointment.

---

3.5 Mario Z [42:23 – 48:56]

Highlights

• “Giantess porn” filmmaker with wife; no nudity, only fetish elements.
• Explained as “50-foot woman stuff… like GI Joes on her crotch.” [45:57]
• Panel tries to understand the market for “clothed but dominant” content.
• James McCann: “Don’t you miss the old days when Playboy just showed you a smiling blonde’s nipples?” [47:10]

---

3.6 Hans Kim (Regular) [49:12 – 57:39]

Highlights

• Solid, joke-packed set about Jewish-Asian relationships, Ted Cruz, and “trans fats.”
• Interview dives into Hans’ distaste for being tickled, Starcraft addiction, and being pulled over in Mississippi.
• Signature overshares: “I hate being tickled. Like a sexual nightmare.” [52:01]

---

3.7 Isaac Kane Brown [58:08 – 64:02]

Highlights

• Jokes blending dark takes on relationships and veterans’ spouses.
• Revealed as a Marine Corps veteran living on VA disability, hustling Yu-Gi-Oh cards.
• Openly says, “Fuck the troops… most people in the military are 18 to 22. The only reason you join is ‘cause you got C’s in high school.” [62:13]
• Comedy panel tests boundaries about ethnicity, military, and Jewish stereotypes.

---

3.8 Augie Lee [64:35 – 72:04]

Highlights

• Offbeat delivery, “walked in on girlfriend cheating,” black cousin’s baby, working in thrift stores.
• Admits to past acid use and recent rat hallucinations.
• Will “try anything once” and loves karaoke.
• Quote: “I don’t think I’ve ever done anything good in my life.” [71:12]

---

3.9 Jon Bechtel [72:42 – 83:26]

Highlights

• Wild, rapid-fire wordplay, references, and absurd premises.
• Life stories: falling into a sewer in Austin, attacked by pelicans at SeaWorld, getting a district manager fired.
• Embraces his unkempt “plastic-eating” persona; panel loves his look and storytelling.

---

3.10 Alex Tarnow [84:11 – 92:19]

Highlights

• Set revolves around missing “chick shit,” like Hobby Lobby and farmer’s markets, and discomfort in strip clubs.
• Is best friends with blind comic Chris Silio, tells amusing story about lights-off bathroom scares.
• Gets a “first Austin kiss” from audience member Elena on stage—playful “Kill Tony” tradition.

---

3.11 Jackson Namie [92:30 – 105:36]

Highlights

• Fearless queer comedy: “PTSD—Preconceived Tendency To Suck Dick.”
• Details being institutionalized, slow-burn relationship with a girlfriend who was a friend, now pregnant with his child.
• Candid on sexual fluidity: “I still dabble… We have a good time.” [102:39]
• Panel marvels at the arc: “He went from gay to straight, got a girl pregnant, and he’s still probably a little gay.”

---

3.12 Frank Kidd [105:57 – 113:34]

Highlights

• Solid first-time set about comparing black/white reactions to plantations and weddings.
• From Baton Rouge, degree in journalism, delivers Amazon packages.
• Panel asks about relationship experiences, family background, and minor life anecdotes.

---

4. Panel Banter & Notable Guest Moments

• Panel (Tony, Redban, McCann, Landau) riff heavily after almost every set, mining comics’ interviews for bits about privilege, sexual orientation, relationships, work, family, and more.
• James McCann shares about adult circumcisions: “You ever had the rope on a hoodie tied too tight? Anyway, we had something like that sort of develop over the years…” [119:06]
• Dave Landau jokes about redhead solidarity and fetish porn.

---

5. Hall of Famer: William Montgomery Closes [115:41 – 124:42]

• Surrealist anti-one-liner set (“Spoiler: he rapes a lot of inmates”, “Redban was racist, voted most likely to secede”).
• Banter about going to a Chinese medicine doctor because it's the only place that takes his insurance.
• Montgomery: “I have a condom on my penis right now.” [119:46]
• Redhead privilege, A1C and blood sugar, and fake “gas station” purchases, capped by his rambling trademark energy.

---

6. Closing (Panel Farewells) [124:42 – End]

• Tony plugs James McCann’s special (Black Israelite), Dave Landau’s book (Party of One), and upcoming shows.
• Art from in-house artists is shown.
• Final thanks to sponsors and a reminder about the New Year’s Eve taping at The Moody Center.

---

Standout Quotes & Moments

• Colin Sledge on sex museums:
  “Did a 4D thing, sprayed water in my face. It was really upsetting.” [13:13]

• Hans Kim on tickling/fetishes:
  “I hate being tickled. Like a sexual nightmare.” [52:01]

• Jackson Namie on identity shift:
  “How does it feel going from gay to straight in record time? Crazy.” [102:24]

• Juanita on trans/living double lives:
  “My family doesn’t know I’m trans. Just my two sisters.” [18:14]

• James McCann on giantess porn:
  “Remember when Playboy just showed you a smiling blonde’s nipples?” [47:10]

---

Segment Timestamps

• 04:36: James McCann joins – “What a joy…”
• 06:45: First bucket pull – Colin Sledge
• 15:01: Juanita’s set/interview
• 24:23: Pat O’Neill’s set/interview
• 33:18: Olivia Coughlin’s set
• 42:23: Mario Z’s “giantess porn” set
• 49:12: Hans Kim's regular spot
• 58:08: Isaac Kane Brown’s set
• 64:35: Augie Lee’s set
• 72:42: Jon Bechtel’s set
• 84:11: Alex Tarnow’s set / On-stage kiss
• 92:30: Jackson Namie’s “bi-arc”/institutionalization story
• 105:57: Frank Kidd’s debut set
• 115:41: William Montgomery, Hall of Fame regular, closes

---

Tone & Language

Unfiltered, raucous, irreverent, and at times deeply personal—the tone veers from roast to sincere, with both world-class pros and wide-eyed new comics subjected to the same playful gauntlet. Panelists and host maintain high energy and relentless riffing throughout.

---

Conclusion

Episode #736 is a classic Kill Tony blend: a mix of wild new stand-up, raw personal confessions, edgy banter, and real moments of heart, all unified by the hosts’ ability to wrangle chaos into sharp, unforgettable comedy. Essential for fans of comedy’s sharpest live showcase.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever. Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Rabid coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony. Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? Brian Redman.

[B]

Hey.

[A]

And that is the best damn band in the land, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise. Fernando Castillo. Raul Vallejo.

[C]

Carlos Sosa. Michael Gonzalez. Nachos Belgrande.

[A]

Matt Muhling on the electric guitar back here, sunglassed up like a real rock star.

[C]

And John D's sunglasses. Cause he naps during the show. Secretly napping during the show. And there's D Madness.

[A]

Also sunglasses, ladies and gentlemen. But he stays awake the entire time, just in case.

[C]

Just in case that vision comes back for a sweet, sweet second.

[A]

He doesn't want to miss it. He does not sleep.

[C]

He stays awake. Eyes open. How do we feel, everybody? We in a good mood tonight.

[A]

Very, very exciting stuff happening.

[C]

This is Kill Tony, the number one comedy live. Something in the world.

[A]

We're almost everything.

[C]

We're number one in a lot of different categories now. Brought to you by nicked and prize picks tonight. How exciting. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what, huh? That fucking fly out of here. It's the CNN fly. They have little drones. They bring them to Joe Rogan's club and try to get fucking like, I'm gonna kill this thing before we do this. I'm gonna kill this fucking thing. Come on. Where is it?

[D]

Come on.

[C]

Here we go. Okay, here we go. I think it's gone.

[A]

Who's ready to start tonight's fucking episode, huh? Here we go. Every single week, I purposefully book two.

[C]

Sometimes one, sometimes three. But I have fun matching up the chemistries.

[A]

I envision how would these two work together every single week?

[C]

I put a lot of thought into this.

[A]

This one is a special one. Two of the guest of the year.

[C]

Front runners right now for 2025.

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for two of the greats, James McCann and Dave Landow. Oh, yeah. James Donald Forbes McCann is back and his new special, Black Israelite is on YouTube. Dave Landau's new We have one out now on Amazon. Welcome back, gentlemen. James McCann, one of the most used guests in 2025.

[E]

What a joy it is to be here once again at this beautiful club with these beautiful people. Dave, hello.

[F]

Hey.

[A]

Hello. Wow. James is the man.

[C]

We love you, Black Israelite. Out now on YouTube.

[A]

His new special.

[E]

Unless it's been taken down by now, but at the moment, it's out and it's cold there.

[C]

I love it. I love it. James is one of those monsters coming up. I love it. You're truly one of the funniest people around. You guys will see when you watch his new special, Dave Landau. Welcome back, buddy. How are you? Make some noise for Dave.

[G]

I'm doing good, man. Hey, how are you?

[C]

Fresh off a big weekend.

[A]

Books out. We're gonna have fun.

[C]

Brought to you by Nickton Prize picks. Now, you guys have both done this show before, so, you know, but maybe, just maybe, someone brought their, you know, significant other that, you know, while you're there watching the show every week, maybe they're out doing the dishes perhaps, or vacuuming the floors or folding the laundry, and you don't know what your. What your loved one is listening to. Well, let me tell you while you're out there working on your secret only fans page, the show's about comedy. Ton of comedians signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds. If I pull them out of this bucket, their time is up. And you hear the sound of a kitten, they could be the next big stand up comedy superstar, you know, their time is up. When you hear the sound of a bear, that is the West Hollywood bear.

[A]

Interrupts them, comes after the cat. We've been doing this 12 and a

[C]

half years, so I. Jesus Christ, I ain't fucking tripping today.

[A]

This coffee's banging. Six shots.

[C]

All right, while we wrangle that first bucket pool, we have a golden ticket winner that's gonna do a minute for you, ladies and gentlemen. He is one of the top young rising comedians in the world. Make some noise for Colin Sledge.

[H]

Okay, thank you. I need a paralegal, a pair of legal titties to suck on. Should have saved that for the end. My check engine light's been on for a few months, and I feel like the check engine light has very feminine energy. You know, it's like something's wrong. What's wrong? Well, if you cared, you would already know. My girlfriend thinks the Godfather is Too long. But her story about when her co worker was bitchy to her two years ago is the perfect length. Okay, thank you.

[A]

Colin Sledge. Very funny. You've done it again.

[C]

One of the very few non handicapped golden ticket winners that come in and really set it off every time. How do you feel, Colin?

[H]

I feel pretty good.

[C]

How's life been going for you here in Austin?

[H]

Good. I. In Austin? I haven't quite moved here yet, but.

[C]

Oh, you're still up in Houston?

[H]

Yeah, we're looking at places tomorrow.

[C]

Who's we?

[H]

Me and my girlfriend.

[C]

Okay.

[I]

Yeah.

[C]

All right. What does she do again?

[H]

She takes care of me. Yeah, she's. She does comedy.

[C]

Oh, okay. Did she start after you?

[H]

She started sort of like four or five years ago.

[C]

When did you start?

[H]

Well, I started. I did two years in college and then I took eight years off. So she started before and after me.

[E]

James McCann, do you find this is difficult on the relationship that she was the big star and, you know, now you're here doing this and. Are you worried that in a Lady Gaga, Bradley Cooper situation you'll return home one day and. Because that can be tricky on a relationship.

[H]

Yeah, somewhat. I'm not sure I understand the question.

[E]

Is she threatened by your enormous success?

[H]

There might be some degree of resentment.

[C]

Does it ever come up?

[I]

Yes.

[C]

Can you tell us what that's like?

[H]

She accused me of using the chutes and Ladders.

[C]

What does that mean?

[H]

It means I took the ladder up or something.

[C]

Can you explain that better?

[H]

So you know the game Chutes and Ladders?

[C]

Do you use this as an analogy a lot?

[H]

It's her analogy.

[C]

Oh, she said this?

[H]

Yeah.

[C]

Wow. No wonder she's not as famous as you. Shoots and ladders from childhood. Milton Bradley, 80s board game.

[H]

Please don't get me in trouble.

[C]

Oh, shit, Mike. Four's not on.

[H]

Try it again.

[G]

So you really are a pedophile?

[C]

No.

[H]

Take his mic away.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Son of a bitch.

[C]

Biggest comedy show in the world.

[A]

We just have mics that don't work up here.

[C]

Unbelievable.

[H]

We went to New York.

[J]

You.

[H]

You met her? I don't know if you remember my girlfriend.

[C]

What?

[H]

You met my girlfriend in New York.

[C]

Okay, thanks.

[H]

Thanks for having us. That was fun.

[F]

Okay.

[A]

I don't know if I really had you.

[C]

What do you.

[A]

What?

[E]

Your girlfriend wasn't the little boy who was cut from broadcast?

[H]

No.

[E]

Okay, good. Just. Cuz he said you were a pedophile and I wondered what that was in reference to.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Finnegan, there are some things about you. Why do you still have sunglasses on your shirt right now the.

[H]

My. My shirt touching my neck bothers me so I wear sunglasses to pull it down.

[C]

God, you're creepy as very funny, but annoyingly creepy. The feeling of sunglasses on your neck is better than a shirt.

[H]

Yeah, well, I don't really feel a son cuz it's just right here that bothers me. This isn't what I wanted to talk about.

[A]

What do you want to talk about? Segue into something that you want to talk about.

[H]

New York was fun. I went to. I went to Brooklyn.

[C]

Hive of flies around here, guys. Something happening. Someone pranking the show. Did someone bring frozen flies and then

[A]

thaw them out like ants?

[C]

You ever make an ant farm before you just throw them in the fridge? Those. Chill out.

[H]

Oh, I went to the Kill Tony band show in New York.

[C]

Okay.

[H]

That was actually. I was. I was high up in edible. It was so good.

[A]

Hell yeah. Seriously.

[C]

Everybody had a blast.

[A]

I heard all about it. Blue Note packed up.

[H]

CJ Pander gets get some back on you. No, there is this Swedish lady and she was like playing these old bagpipes and I had taken edible so I was like freaking out. It was really fun.

[D]

Great.

[C]

When you say you were freaking out, what does that mean to you?

[H]

I don't understand jazz music and I usually don't enjoy it either. But it was a really good show.

[E]

Okay.

[C]

I thought that was a big setup coming there for.

[H]

I went to museums. I went to where Luigi shot that guy.

[K]

All right.

[H]

I took a train to a train museum.

[A]

All right, that's enough, Colin.

[E]

I promise. That's just where it's getting good. Heckler's the train museum. I went to a train museum in Sacramento last month. It was sick.

[C]

Some people are good at the set. Good at the interview. Some people are bad at the set. Great at the interview. You are one of the. That was great at the set. And then just. It's like talking to a giant 5 year old. I took a train to the train museum. It was nice. Thanks for having us.

[H]

I went to the sex museum.

[C]

Why don't you say something funny about

[H]

made me never want to have sex again.

[A]

Why?

[H]

Because it was gross. It was weird. I did a 4 like a 4D thing where like the chairs are rocking and it's sprayed water in my face. It was really upsetting.

[C]

Was it like a squirt?

[A]

Like what was the reason for the water?

[H]

It was like. I don't really. It was like you go into like. I think you go into a pussy and it sprays water. In your face.

[C]

There it is. That's how it goes.

[H]

Should I have open with that?

[A]

No, no, you're doing fine, Colin.

[C]

It's all good, buddy.

[H]

Okay. It's my birthday. Bye. Okay.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

All right. One more ultra lame thing to say.

[E]

Okay.

[C]

Super crazy.

[A]

All right. There he goes.

[C]

Colin Sledge, everyone.

[A]

Oh, lord.

[L]

These.

[A]

These slow moving flies.

[C]

These flies are out of control. Guys, we need to make sure this doesn't happen again.

[A]

I'm sure there's ways around it. We have 12 fucking production assistants, all of them just watching flies all day.

[C]

I'm sure it's like, wow, that'll be fun. Maybe it'll add an exciting element to the show.

[A]

Joe Rogan's fly museum.

[C]

All right.

[A]

I mean, what can I say, ladies and gentlemen? This is one of the wildest bucket pulls. She just happened a couple weeks ago. She's back.

[C]

She is back.

[A]

Make some noise for Juanita, everybody.

[L]

Kill Tony. Do any of you suffer from depression, anxiety, mental health? Make some noise.

[C]

Yeah,

[L]

that sucks. I don't to perfectly normal, 37 year old, overweight, transgender comedy prodigy killing the game. I am now a friend of the show. And my 400 pound friend, Celia Contreras, she struggles with her mental health, and she confided in me one day. She said, hey, I'm talking myself into a psych ward because I'm not feeling well. And I told her, that is good because you're taking action. She goes, people keep telling me that, but what I want to do is walk my ass onto oncoming traffic. I told her, girl, don't you dare say that. And don't you dare do that. You're just gonna fuck up somebody's car.

[C]

£400.

[L]

I'm a good friend, though. I gave her advice. I said, you should walk in front of a train. It's more efficient.

[C]

Okay, Juanita. Hell yeah. How do you feel about that, Juanita?

[L]

I feel great.

[C]

Hell yeah. You? Yeah. I find it odd that you called out your friend by name on a huge show.

[E]

Oh.

[C]

And then talked about how they were suicidal. It's kind of crazy today. You notice that you did that at all?

[L]

No, I did. It was. We've talked about talking about it on the show.

[C]

So you kind of like plugged her just then, talking about how she wanted to kill herself on the biggest show in the industry. Do you think about these things, or have you become a woman that much to where you've become that selfish?

[L]

Yeah, The latter. No, no, but we did talk about that. That was actually a conversation that we had.

[C]

So it was planned.

[L]

No, it happened a long time ago, but this is the first time I was able to do it as a bit.

[I]

All right.

[C]

I like how your voice gets deeper. The deeper.

[A]

The deeper into sentences you go, no,

[C]

we talked about it, but it's really

[A]

what we wanted to do here. There's a point where you get tired of having to keep up the act a little bit. We all see it. It's about seven seconds into a sentence, she just starts hooking you. Yeah.

[C]

No, I mean, like, it was really

[A]

cool because, like, that's what we're into. You know what I mean?

[C]

Come on, now. Say my name three times.

[H]

Let's go.

[A]

All right.

[C]

Want you to remind us. How do you make money?

[L]

Oh, I work at a. As a waitress at a restaurant right now.

[C]

Waitress? Where are you? At Tucky's.

[A]

All right. Doesn't even make sense. That's a gas station

[C]

instead of Buc ee's. Tucky's. Anybody? Tuck e cheese. Tuck e cheese. Even red band Tuck e cheese.

[L]

Tucky Dick cheese. No, I work at a restaurant called Fressas.

[C]

Fressas. Oh, yes, absolutely. Absolutely. Juanita, what do you do for fun? What do we not know about you? You've been on the show a couple times. You're very lucky with getting pulled out of the bucket.

[L]

It's been crazy. I actually was thinking about, like, I didn't ever mention my family doesn't know that I'm trans. Just my two sisters.

[C]

Really? Who would be most shocked to know that you're trans?

[L]

Oh, probably my mom.

[A]

Right?

[C]

I love it when you get serious.

[A]

Probably my mom.

[C]

Is it bad that I'm making fun of you for that? You're good. No, that's right. You have a great sense of humor, Juanita.

[D]

I love you.

[G]

Can your family see you?

[C]

That's a good question.

[L]

No, I, like, I have to, like, dress down. Like, I'll wear a hat or something. Wear, like, a button down.

[C]

Do you answer? Yeah, go ahead, Dave.

[G]

I'm almost to the point, but honestly, like, you're. You're. You're male to female.

[L]

Yes.

[G]

Oh, no, I know.

[C]

I don't. Quarter. Quarter T. Rex, maybe?

[I]

No.

[G]

Why? Juanita.

[L]

Oh, that's just a stage name. Like, your name is, like, Juana.

[G]

Oh, that's your. Okay, so what nationality are you?

[B]

Pardon?

[G]

What nationality?

[L]

Oh, I'm Mexican.

[G]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Okay.

[G]

I just was curious. Okay.

[C]

There's a lot going on south of her border.

[M]

I.

[I]

Seriously?

[N]

Yeah.

[G]

Is it legal? No, I'm kidding. I'm sure it's not.

[L]

Not for long. In Texas.

[C]

It's amazing that your family doesn't know. How often do you see your mom? What do you mean me?

[L]

Like, once a year. Like Christmas.

[C]

And what do you do? You just wan up for that? Yeah, just go straight wand.

[A]

Literally put on a baseball cap.

[C]

Fucking.

[G]

Would your mom want you out of the family?

[L]

She might. I don't know.

[E]

I assume you started to trans later. But you're Mexican, so did you. You didn't have a quinceanera?

[L]

No, I didn't.

[E]

So you're a girl.

[L]

Oh, yeah, you're right. I still have a.

[E]

You're not a woman.

[C]

Explain to the 96% of people listening

[A]

that don't know what you're.

[E]

When a Mexican girl turns 15, the community decides that she's now sexually available, and they put her in a very low cut, busty gown and they go to a park and they clog it up for, like, hours. I didn't know about this before I came to this country, but.

[G]

Did the last comic tell you about that?

[E]

No. I like that you mentioned trains as well, though. That's great.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

Will you have a quinceanera?

[L]

I mean, if you help me throw it, James.

[E]

No, that would be fun, but I was interested.

[L]

I mean, like, would you show up? Would you make an appearance?

[C]

Would you?

[A]

Would you make an appearance? James? Will you make an appearance?

[E]

Very.

[A]

Where is she? Tell us, James. Will you go to the park? Do you want to go to the park?

[E]

You have fallen into the woman. But I was born.

[A]

Go to the park and you will find under second base on the third little league field a note. Read that note and it will tell you what to do next. You don't go to. If you don't solve the riddle. I'm going to butt you, James. Sincerely, Juanita.

[J]

He's.

[L]

He's right.

[K]

Wow.

[C]

Juanita, you ever get bullied in, like, real life or anything? Like, out on the streets? Any of these wild crackheads ever talk or flirt with you on?

[L]

One of them called me a. Yeah, I was, like, walking by, he was

[G]

like, hey, I apologize for that.

[L]

Apology accepted. I know. I was like, oh, man. Can I say the N word like

[C]

it was a block?

[A]

Oh, yeah, he called me.

[E]

Let me tell you, just because someone says you can or it feels like the right time, I found out you still can't.

[C]

It's absolutely.

[G]

You can if he's sucking your dick.

[A]

Juanita, how's the sex life been lately?

[C]

Whiskey hole or has it been all moistened up?

[L]

No, I'm like, I live with this comic, he's like a six two jujitsu guy.

[A]

All right?

[C]

Don't say his name or his fucking address or anything.

[A]

Juanita.

[L]

No, but, like, I. It used to be that I'd, like, go and hang out at the bar by myself, and then somebody always, like, approached me, but now I'm always with him, so I'm going through a dry spell. Everyone, I think, like, they're going through a dry spell.

[A]

Huh?

[C]

So I've been in the air, and

[A]

I've been going through a dry spell. Do you realize you do that, though? Like, you literally, like, have, like, a meltdown through a sentence.

[G]

It's when you say words that aren't feminine. When you're like.

[C]

It's very dry,

[L]

I feel like that's very feminine.

[G]

It's kind of. No. Hard.

[L]

Oh, okay.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

Juanita, we love you. You've been on the show many times. You did it again. Another minute. There you go. Another interview. Another. Juanita. There they go. Oh, my God. Thank God almighty.

[C]

No cocking balls there, boys.

[A]

Oh, you have a bug zapper. And we handed it to the least likely person to effectively handle that without knocking over anything or hitting anyone. So perfect. How exciting. All right, make some noise for your next bucket pool, everybody. It's Pat o', Neal, everyone. Pat o', Neal,

[O]

Folks. Been vaping, but it's just not as satisfying as cigarettes. You ever try putting one of these out on your kid?

[J]

Nothing?

[A]

No.

[O]

Reaction generation. Soft is a big reason why. Other day, my friend told me Tiger woods is Native American. I was like, no shit? His name's Tiger Woods. Dad's name Bear Forest. Gotta watch what you say now, though. Like, we all know you're not allowed to say the word anymore. So now I just ignore my little brother to be on the right side of history. And you shouldn't call them midgets anymore, either. No, they prefer the term Mexican women. Ah, yes, midgets. The original pocket pussies. Or as pedophiles call them. Close enough.

[P]

You know what I mean?

[O]

Not saying that.

[A]

O', Neill. You did it, buddy. Fuck, yeah. Full minute, 15 laps throughout. I didn't hear the cat.

[N]

I'm sorry.

[C]

You're good.

[O]

You're good. So nervous, Tony. I wish I was retarded right now.

[A]

I bet there's a lot going on in that head.

[C]

You constantly look like you're being electrocuted at all times.

[A]

Unbelievable.

[C]

You look like you could charge phones just by touching them like that.

[O]

All right, well, I think we could

[C]

still be friends after that, but hell, yeah. I don't know what the that means, but you're doing great, Pat. You're a funny guy. You were. I remember you from the Netflix taping here a while back. How's life changed since being on? I'm an open micr. Oh, perfect. Still so perfect. Bad at networking.

[H]

Bad.

[O]

And by that,

[C]

bad at networking, what do you mean by that? Tell us more.

[O]

That I'm unlikable.

[C]

Okay. All right. That doesn't mean you don't have a chance. Look at me.

[O]

Fair enough.

[C]

I would say you're much more likable than me. I would say. I mean, look at you. I like you. Thanks, buddy. You know what? Let's get the fuck out of here. Dude, remind us, Pat, what do you do for work?

[O]

I work for, like, a mortgage company.

[C]

It's not. I thought you said morgue at first. And I wouldn't believe that you have Morgue Energies. James McCann.

[E]

I've been thinking about the energy. I think you have the energy of, like, documentary footage of a comic from the 80s.

[A]

Yeah, he looks like a headshot, but,

[E]

like, who goes on to have a huge cocaine problem and do voiceovers in cartoons. But there's. You look like you're from the past. You have a 1980s young man face. Am I wrong? Am I just. Am I going insane?

[C]

No, you're right. You're spot on.

[G]

No, like, Dennis Wolfberg, like, he died in the 80s.

[C]

It's.

[E]

You're of another time.

[A]

I love these references, guys.

[C]

But let's keep it on.

[A]

Pat here.

[G]

Dennis Wolfberg. No. Yeah, nobody would. I'm 40.

[A]

That's perfect.

[C]

Okay, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat. Let's talk about it, buddy. What do you do with the rest of your life? Looking what you. You look like.

[G]

I don't know.

[C]

I like steak, I like candy. Okay. I like girls.

[O]

I like movies.

[C]

You go on dates a lot? Yeah, I'm straight. Okay. When you go on dates, how do you find. How do you find people?

[A]

Gay people go on dates, too, by the way. I don't know if you know that, but they do.

[O]

They just.

[C]

All right, okay, straight to that. You're very excited tonight.

[K]

Hey, Pat.

[A]

Look at you.

[N]

Come on.

[C]

Kill Tony.

[A]

You're damn right.

[C]

Like steak.

[E]

I like girls, I like candy.

[B]

Yeah.

[G]

That's the best response I've ever heard.

[B]

It's great.

[A]

This dude's an alien that studied us and just came here. I like what everybody likes.

[E]

You've watched a lot of old test footage from the earlier part of the 20th century, and you're going, they're like girls. They like candy. Like, big smiles and good times. Okay, guys, just fuck. All right. I can say that. I like. You got a. I like. I like everything I'm seeing.

[O]

Thank you.

[G]

James, where are you from?

[O]

Massachusetts. I live here now.

[C]

Okay. Okay.

[A]

There's one retarded lady from Massachusetts in the back.

[C]

So, Pat, when you go on these dates, where do you find these victims? People like, is it a dating app you that you're on or something or.

[O]

Well, I'm single now. Fingers crossed. We're still early on. I was talking to that girl backstage.

[A]

Heidi.

[E]

Heidi or Juanita.

[O]

Yeah.

[A]

You could be next. You could be next. So, like, the last date that you

[C]

went on, tell us what that was like. What did you do? What was. What happened?

[G]

Quinceanera.

[J]

I don't know.

[O]

I've never understood quinceaneras because it's like the day they become a woman, but they're already pregnant.

[C]

Oh, shit.

[A]

Pat o' Neill's got it. Pat o' Neill's got a quinceanera joke. There it is. So, Pat, this last date that you've avoided the question on nine times, successfully, we're back at it. Last date you were on.

[Q]

All right.

[O]

I mean, honest answer. I just broke up with my lady friend who's also a very delightful comic and perfect.

[C]

Why did you break up with her?

[O]

I live here.

[C]

Oh, she lives somewhere else. Massachusetts.

[F]

Still?

[N]

Yes.

[C]

Oh, my goodness. How did you do it over the phone? Well, I didn't do it. Look at me. She broke up with you, Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Okay. What did she say to you? Did it come as a surprise to you?

[O]

Ah, she said we're not dating.

[C]

I don't know.

[O]

Sort of a blur.

[C]

Did it break your head?

[G]

Did you break into her house?

[C]

No, it's a long distance relationship or else he would have. So she kind of broke your heart when this happened? No, no. How recently did this happen?

[A]

No, no. It just starts crying. See?

[C]

Nah, nah, never.

[A]

You can't break a heart which doesn't exist.

[C]

I ate candy and steak and filled that part of my soul. Because that's what I do. Cause I'm a real human being. Come here. Let me charge your phone for you. Let's talk about it. Pat, you hear that gentle piano music? You know what that means?

[O]

Twas three weeks ago.

[A]

Okay, Pat. All right.

[C]

You're such a funny looking guy. It's incredible. Everything about you is so comedic.

[O]

It was three.

[L]

Oh.

[C]

Spotlight's gone.

[I]

I don't know.

[C]

You ever do funny stuff? At the mortgage place? No, no.

[O]

Just I was lucky to keep it after Netflix, so. They're good people, and they will.

[A]

When you go on dates or you work, do you, like, comb your hair

[C]

different or anything like that or. That's actually a great question.

[O]

I put the Rogan on way too close to a sun hat this afternoon, so it's worse than normal.

[C]

The question was, when you go on

[A]

a date, I don't know what it

[O]

looks like right now, but, yes, I tried.

[E]

It's pretty wild right now. I don't know if you've ever seen the portrait of Mao Zedong, but it looks like.

[A]

Looks like your forehead has a thong on right now.

[C]

Bread, man. Wow. It is incredible. Do people just, like, laugh at you sometimes when they see you?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

I mean, I don't know.

[O]

I'm having my looks insulted by Redban right now, so.

[J]

If that isn't all you need to

[C]

know about the shit I get.

[A]

Wow. You're a funny guy, Pat Redban. I would love to have you on the Secret show Thursday. You already have a big joke book, right?

[E]

There he goes.

[A]

Pat o', Neal, everybody. Hell, yeah. Wacky looking guy. All right, we're gonna keep this fun train moving along. Your third bucket poll goes by the name of Olivia Kaufman, everybody. Olivia Coughlin.

[Q]

Jill Biden is a historic figure. She was a First lady and a fake doctor, and during the Biden administration, she actually took over presidential duties, historically becoming the first fake female president of the United States of America. The Biden administration was kind of like America's Next Top Model, but for female presidents with different random women all taking turns trying out his power. It was a shit show, and Jill won. So, speaking of America, I came home the other day and I found my cleaner eating my salad. She was in the kitchen, hunched over, eating out of the takeout box, and I walked in, and then she freaked out when she saw me and ran to put it away and was like, ow.

[A]

Amelivia.

[Q]

Oh, forgot. I forgot my bit. I forgot the rest of it. Sorry. June's like, ah.

[J]

Olivia.

[C]

Oh.

[Q]

And I didn't realize. I didn't know what was going on at first because I didn't realize it was my salad she was eating. I thought she was just eating her own food.

[G]

So.

[Q]

Okay, that's all.

[C]

Wow. Olivia Coughlin. Welcome. Welcome. Is that your first time trying to stand up?

[P]

Holy.

[C]

Yeah, I could tell. Congratulations. That's amazing. What made you pick this show to start on? I find it so intriguing when people are like, yeah, I'll just go out There and show everybody what's up right from the get before learning, you know, mic technique or being able to Remember an entire 60 seconds or calling your housekeeper. Or made a cleaner.

[E]

Yes.

[C]

Somehow that's the most racist thing I think anybody's ever done in the history of the show. You just call them a cleaner.

[Q]

I thought people would know more if I said cleaner rather than house cleaner. I don't know why? Because house, well, people will call cleaner.

[C]

I didn't even say that. A housekeeper, the keeper of a house.

[Q]

I call her my cleaner.

[C]

Oh, my God. What ethnicity are you?

[Q]

I'm white.

[C]

Yeah, but what kind of white?

[Q]

I am mostly Irish. I know I don't look like it, but.

[C]

Yeah, right.

[G]

You should have just said Mexican and saved yourself.

[A]

Yeah, that's what I was gonna say. No doubt about it.

[E]

Like it as just a tip moving forward. It can sometimes be hard for people to like you on stage when you boast about having a cleaner. Like, we would all love to have cleaner money.

[C]

It's true.

[E]

But I just, I heard that and I thought, fuck, I wish I was able to afford a salad and a woman to help me. I say eat Taco Bell after Taco Bell alone in filth. Maybe you got some jokes about your private jet to share with us all as well.

[G]

I mean, you don't even pay her enough that she can afford to eat her own fucking salad.

[Q]

It was an awkward moment, for sure. She's like our lifetime, like lifelong cleaner. And so I felt.

[E]

So. I'm sorry.

[A]

Long cleaner. Just call her a slave, dude. Call her a slave.

[J]

Call her a slave.

[A]

What ethnicity is she? Oh, yeah, the horn players know what ethnicity she is.

[C]

How do you have a cleaner? What have you been doing with your life?

[Q]

This was back when at my parents house. So this was a while ago.

[C]

Your parents rich?

[Q]

They're doing okay.

[C]

What did they. What did. What did your dad do for a living?

[Q]

My dad's a pilot. My mom's a travel agent.

[C]

Okay. All right. That's cute. And how about you? What do you do for work?

[Q]

I just got a job at a tennis place.

[C]

Tennis place?

[Q]

Tennis.

[C]

What exactly are you doing at a tennis place?

[Q]

Tennis thing. I. I clean. No, I'm just kidding.

[C]

Hey, there's a glimpse of funny in there.

[A]

Look at that. Look at that.

[C]

She accidentally was funny there. I like that. It's the big moment right there. What the are you doing at a tennis for play?

[Q]

Stringing rackets and helping people.

[C]

You play tennis your whole life or something? You just got into the tennis business?

[Q]

I just thought I could walk in and just do it and nothing would go wrong and everything would be great.

[C]

That's crazy.

[Q]

And it. It worked out. It worked out. It's okay.

[C]

So you just basically would have done any job at all, and you ended up in tennis?

[Q]

Kind of.

[C]

And then what did you do before that?

[Q]

I was trying to be a screenwriter. It's difficult.

[C]

Wow. Yeah, it's very.

[Q]

But, yeah, I forgot all my words again. Oh, my God. So, yeah, I guess that didn't work out. Okay.

[C]

Olivia, do people tell you that you're funny a lot?

[Q]

Yeah.

[C]

What's, like, the funniest thing you've ever done in your life? You think that it's something that happened in which you're like, wow, I think I belong on a comedy stage.

[Q]

I don't know. It's more. I say funny things when I can remember them, and then I don't really do funny things. Yeah.

[G]

Did you ever yell at a housekeeper?

[Q]

No. I was very nice to her. I pretended like nothing. I never saw it, and I was just like, hey, what's up? And then we just kept going on.

[G]

And you put fentanyl in her salad?

[Q]

No, I was gonna say that I. Whatever. I forgot my joke, but I, I, I'll do it next time.

[M]

What salad is.

[C]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You don't even know what the fuck a salad is. Shut up.

[A]

You don't know what the a. You just know the dressings.

[C]

All right. Do you have any, like, special skills or talents? Have you ever done anything in front of a group of people before?

[Q]

Not. Not really.

[C]

Not what?

[Q]

Not really in front of a crowd? No, not really.

[C]

Like, nothing ever before.

[Q]

Nothing? Like on stage? No.

[C]

How about not on stage? What did you do?

[Q]

Like, what do you mean? Have I ever done anything or what do you.

[C]

I don't know anything. Anything at all about you other than the fact that you do string tennis rackets.

[Q]

I smoked a lot of weed. I.

[C]

There you go. That's a way to get the people on your side.

[Q]

Yeah, I chill at home with my roommates.

[C]

How many roommates do you have?

[Q]

Two.

[C]

Why?

[Q]

Just because I thought that it would be better to live with some people rather than by myself.

[C]

Okay.

[Q]

Alone.

[C]

No man in your life.

[Q]

No man.

[C]

Why is that?

[Q]

I'm very picky.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[Q]

I sound like an asshole, but I'm not.

[J]

It's great.

[C]

It's great. It's great. Let's talk about it. When you say you're picky, what are things that guys have had or Wrong with them in the past that you

[Q]

didn't like, maybe, like, not like, manly enough?

[C]

Can you give us an example of a time that a man was manly enough? Maybe he did something that wasn't manly enough?

[Q]

Now I can't.

[C]

This is from your life. You can think about anything that's happened to you.

[Q]

Now I'm just thinking about the tennis place. Maybe I can't think of anything. Well, tennis is pretty feminine. Anyone that plays tennis is not really my type.

[C]

So, like James McCann, what are you thinking over here?

[E]

I think Rafael Nadal is sufficiently masculine. I mean, who. There are a lot of men on stage. Where. Where is the midpoint? Where is the least manly but acceptably manly man? Do you know what I mean? I mean, am I manly enough for you? My voice.

[P]

Wow.

[Q]

Yes.

[A]

Whoa.

[E]

Is Tony manly enough?

[Q]

I think so.

[E]

Okay. The bar is pretty low.

[A]

Good answer.

[C]

So you've broken up with guys in the past because they weren't manly enough though?

[Q]

Yeah.

[C]

But you don't recall an example of what they did or wasn't manly enough about them?

[Q]

I can't think of a specific example now.

[E]

They said, go out there and punch the cleaner in the throat right now. You wouldn't have said that. Sexually weak. What, like they couldn't fuck good? I'm sorry.

[G]

Well, that's

[Q]

it. That is a turn off for sure.

[C]

What's a turn off?

[G]

Sexually weak coming too quickly.

[C]

Has that ever happened with you?

[Q]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay, so can you give an example of that where a man was too sexually weak? This is where you would reference during an interview, a part of your life.

[G]

Do you like to have your pussy eaten?

[C]

Good.

[A]

Here you go, Olivia. Here's a little joke book.

[C]

You did it.

[A]

You had your first time on the show. She started here, as you could tell that Jill Biden material. Struggling for 45 seconds. Ended it with a cleaner. Something about a salad. We'll never really know.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Imagine that. The roommates are going to have to watch that set. All right, you guys still having fun out there? Make some noise for your next bucket poll, everybody. It's Mario Z.

[D]

So I'm 45 years old, and on top of looking like Ian Financial ruin, the thing that sucks the most for me is all the things that I loved when I was a kid are ruined. You know what? I loved Bill Cosby. And I know that shit sounds mental to say nowadays, but, like, I grew up with Bill Cosby. Watch all of his shows. Kids say the darndest things. Fat Albert, the Cosby show and all of these shows had Lessons that taught you how to be a good person, Ironically from Bill Cosby, you know, like,

[C]

he was my hero, right?

[D]

So the allegations came out. I couldn't believe it. I was like, that's America's dad. And the evidence came out, and I was like, fucking Bill.

[H]

You know?

[D]

But even though I couldn't defend him, there were people who said dumb shit like, well, it happened so long ago. What does it even matter? And fuck those people, all right? Bill Cosby's going to be remembered for all the bad shit that he did because he wasn't on the Lakers.

[C]

Kobe.

[D]

Hey, maybe Bill had a fistful of rings instead of a fistful of Quaaludes. Maybe we can overlook a couple of things. You know, Bill Herzogen was dying to get on a helicopter, y'.

[C]

All.

[N]

Thank you.

[A]

All right, Mario Z.

[C]

You've been on this show before, Mario?

[B]

I have.

[C]

Right. Good to see you again. Remind me back. Remind us how long you been on stand up? What do you do?

[D]

Stand up? 12 years.

[C]

For work.

[D]

I. I make porn. Okay.

[C]

What kind of porn do you make?

[D]

Giants is porn with my wife. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was on in December.

[C]

You have a big.

[D]

Giant is porn, like 50 foot women. You guys don't like big titties?

[C]

Okay, what is it again?

[D]

Giantess porn. So, like, 50 foot woman stuff?

[C]

Is she really big?

[D]

My wife is taller than me. Okay, I did it.

[C]

But what makes it a giantess porn? Oh, so okay. Again to everyone else in the world.

[D]

Got it.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Other than Red Bands. Pig ass. I love Giant. Is poor boy out. This guy's a Tarantino trying to. You don't even know, dude. This guy, I'm after Pride. So many questions for him, dude.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Excited.

[M]

Red pand.

[A]

I think my childlike wonder over here, I think my ex, actually, he made

[C]

a movie with my ex. Okay.

[A]

All right, Juanita, let's shout out more people. Jesus Christ.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. So I. I do video editing. And so Pandemic happened. We moved to Philly, and I got a job, and we were fucking broke. I lost a job because it was a shitty job. And we were trying to figure out shit to do, and we threw out a video. And somebody's like, hey, can you make me this custom? And we're like, well, these are the things we won't do. And they're like, done.

[C]

List of things that you wouldn't do.

[D]

List. Nudity. No nudity. And that's basically it.

[C]

Wait, no. Damn it.

[A]

I'm the one wondering if I'm.

[C]

If, like, I'm Kind of loopy this episode or if the answers that I'm getting are so retarded. One of the things you wouldn't do in a porn is nudity.

[G]

Okay, that's what I was thinking.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so fetish porn isn't necessarily about sex.

[G]

Yes, it is.

[D]

I don't know what your geeks are, man.

[G]

I like sex.

[D]

Me too.

[E]

So the video is just one, like, the camera on the floor and the woman looking big.

[D]

I was. I do video editing. So we do, like, green screen stuff. We put her, like, in a city. She stomps around and like, GI Joe's on her crotch.

[A]

Okay. Red bam. Please, for the love of.

[F]

Go.

[E]

Is that what it is?

[C]

Let the guy.

[D]

No, no, no, no.

[C]

I don't.

[G]

Hot Wheels, Cars on a fat woman.

[D]

Feel like you know more than I do.

[C]

So it's basically green screen.

[A]

Make believe.

[C]

Giant girl.

[D]

Yeah, it's more like the story of.

[C]

What's the most sexual thing that she does in this porn?

[D]

She wears a bikini, but you call it porn. Okay, so a lot of it is, like, who buys it? Well, people say his name.

[C]

Creepy short guys.

[D]

A lot of people buy it, actually. Yeah. Well, maybe. I don't know. But it's more about like the. Like, the domination of it. Like, the action. So it's like, not necessarily the sexuality of the woman, but, like her presence in a scene.

[B]

It's fetish porn.

[G]

I don't think I've ever.

[E]

Don't you miss the good old days when Playboy would just show you a smiling blonde woman's nipples? Wasn't that. Wasn't America whole back then, before all of this degenerate big woman with clothes on stuff.

[G]

Remember? A unbothered vagina with hair on it.

[E]

You're very old,

[C]

and this is how both of you make your money is by doing this.

[D]

We don't do that anymore. She's a behavioral therapist. And.

[C]

So how do you make money?

[D]

We make passive income on the porn. So, like, stuff that we made, like, five years ago is still.

[C]

You're getting residuals on your giantess porn?

[O]

Oh, but she's tall.

[G]

Not like.

[D]

What's that?

[H]

Clips for sale.

[D]

Clips for sale. We have our own personal site. We also do, like, other stuff, like, only fans and stuff like that. We do, like, picture sets and like that.

[C]

Jesus Christ, man. All right, anything else during COVID you know it's over, right?

[D]

Well, that's. That's why we stopped doing it. But we're still making the money on it.

[C]

Okay.

[G]

Can anyone do this?

[D]

I mean, sure. Yeah, Anybody can do anything, right?

[G]

Well, I mean, it sounds like the most doable porn ever.

[C]

It really is.

[D]

That's what I'm saying. That's why, like, we were able to do it. If I was like, hey, can I bang you in front of a camera? She'd be like, you. You know, so, like, I'll do a

[G]

lot of porn if I don't got to get naked.

[A]

Technically, I think we're doing porn right now is what I'm finding out.

[D]

Somebody's gonna jack off to this, I promise.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, 100%.

[G]

We're doing some giantist shit.

[C]

Yeah. No doubt about it. We're the giantest comedy show in the world. All right. You already have a little joke book.

[D]

No, I have a big one.

[C]

There you go. You're getting a little one.

[A]

This was a lot of clunk around that, but the Lakers part was funny. Long setup, ineffective tags. Let's change the mood in here a little bit, everybody.

[C]

We have one of our most famous

[A]

regulars of all time here to do a minute. Ladies and gentlemen. Sing along if you know the words. This is Hans Kemp.

[I]

Hey, what's up?

[E]

It's good to be here.

[I]

I got kind of nervous when all those Democrats left the state earlier this month, because usually when politicians leave Texas, it means there's a natural disaster coming. A lot of people have a Nancy Pelosi stock tracker. I have a Ted Cruz weather app. Whenever he's in Cancun, you know, to layer up. Yeah, I have a Jewish girlfriend. I found out. So that helps with the weather thing. My girlfriend is Jewish, which means we're gonna have Asian Jewish babies. There's just gonna be lines of computer code that reset your credit score. But, yeah, just a different time. When I was a kid, trans fats were bad. Thank you, guys.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Carl.

[C]

Tony's own Hans Kim. Absolutely crushing. Multiple punchlines scattered throughout a minute. Honest, pure, from your perspective, all stuff true to you. And there he is. This is the man who's notoriously the greatest interviewee in the history of the show. He cannot tell a lie. He constantly overshares. And the interview begins now.

[A]

Welcome back, Hans.

[I]

Thank you, Tony.

[A]

How do you feel?

[C]

I feel great.

[I]

I'm ready to tell you about my sex life.

[C]

Go right ahead if that's what you want to do.

[A]

I mean, I wasn't even going to ask about that, but if that's what

[C]

you want to talk about, you can go right ahead.

[I]

Well, I mean, I think I covered all of it.

[C]

Have you ever seen giantess porn before? You have yeah, you're the kind of guy that would be in there.

[A]

That.

[I]

Yeah, I was kind of. Kind of intrigued.

[C]

So you've seen it before? What happened in the giantess porn that you've seen? Can you describe it for us? Ha ha ha.

[I]

Well, it's Amazon Amanda. Some of you,

[A]

you know Amazon Amanda?

[C]

Really? Let me see. You can look. Amazon Amanda.

[I]

Yeah, she just dangles woman and tickles her feet.

[C]

Which part are you into?

[I]

Just the tickling. The whole tickling thing.

[C]

You love tickling, huh?

[I]

Yeah, tickling. Not tick, not. I don't like to be tickled.

[A]

You don't?

[I]

No, I hate it.

[C]

How bad do you hate it?

[I]

It's like a. A nightmare. Like a sexual nightmare.

[E]

Well, you never should have let me know.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, James, you in the

[C]

mood to tickle him a little bit? How many of you think we should

[A]

let James tickle Hans? Is that hurt? Oh, my God. Amazon Amanda is huge. No, here's what you do.

[C]

You get behind him, Hans. You face the crowd. He's looking at it.

[A]

You can't see it happening. It's different when you see it. Don't turn around, Hans.

[C]

You're not allowed to turn around.

[A]

I could tickle him. That's poking.

[C]

He's.

[A]

He's doing some kind of wacky Australian Irish poking.

[E]

I'll get you when.

[C]

Here's how we tickle in the other hemisphere. Ew.

[E]

He just poked.

[C]

That's not a good feel.

[A]

You gotta go in there. You gotta hit those riblets, dude. The armpits don't really work.

[C]

This is fun.

[G]

Now I get why it's porn.

[A]

Yeah, you could find that clip on clips for sale.

[C]

Amazing. Amazon Amanda is humongous, by the way.

[I]

Yeah, it's like a power thing. It's crazy.

[J]

Wow.

[C]

And you're into that?

[I]

Yeah.

[C]

That's gross. Talk to Dave Land.

[A]

Oh, God.

[C]

What,

[G]

did you get your watch back?

[A]

No, no, he didn't get the watch back.

[G]

Oh, that sucks. I feel bad about that.

[I]

It's okay. It's not your fault.

[G]

Was she bigger?

[I]

No, she was petite.

[C]

Here, give me that. I want.

[G]

Is that the swatter?

[C]

You see this, Hans?

[I]

Yes.

[C]

So this is a new feature on the show. You know what we do with this? It's the super tickler touch. You with this, you're gonna feel a. All right, Hans, what else is going on in your life? You commit any crimes lately? You get pulled over by the police?

[P]

I did.

[C]

You did. In Mississippi.

[I]

A black police officer pulled me over, so I don't know where that lies in MLK's dream.

[E]

But no, she. She obviously pulled you over not for the color of your skin, but for the quality of your drive.

[C]

Tell us how this went down when you got pulled over.

[I]

I was going 78 and a 70 or something like that. And you know, it was just like a speed trap. And.

[A]

Tell that I need my racket restrung.

[C]

78 and a 70.

[O]

Yeah,

[I]

it might have been 84, but yeah, he was just a quick, you know, it's like that's, it's like very efficient. He just, you know, wrote it, you know, sent me on my way. Great having black cops, you know, they know what it's like.

[C]

Well, here he is.

[A]

We have the official state trooper of Mississippi, famously one of the worst state highway patrolman in all of Mississippi.

[C]

I swear to God, when I find you, you're going to be in real trouble. I felt that breeze. That's at least 82, 83 miles an hour. Hansi boy Kim, having fun in Missy? The shows have been good. Everything's good.

[I]

Yeah, I went to San Antonio with Timmy, no breaks.

[A]

Ooh, the new newest superstar.

[C]

Another non handicapped golden ticket winner.

[I]

Yeah, San Antonio was made for Timmy, no breaks.

[C]

Tell us what you mean when you say that.

[I]

It's just like, you know, just rowdy. People just drinking and just yelling at Timmy. It's kind of aggressive, but no, it was great. He murdered. It was amazing. I was in other situations, cities, you know, I had to go through Mississippi. So, you know, it's kind of, you know, ups and downs. But yeah, I. I got a lot of guys coming up to me, tell me about guns and like, guys that can kill me now, like, just tell me that they can do that. You know, it's not very tactical to tell everyone you have a gun. So I'm kind of at a disadvantage here, but yeah, I'm kind of just chilling. I have my guns.

[G]

Was it mainly white people in Mississippi showing you their guns?

[A]

Yeah,

[I]

I don't think black people are into like the, you know, the round millimeter shit. They just like, you know, using it.

[C]

How about nerdy stuff? Hans, how's your nerd life been going? What have you been doing in that department? Any new hobbies in your.

[I]

I got back into Starcraft 2. I'm a Diamond League 2v2 player.

[C]

Wow. Incredible. Are you good at Rubik's Cube?

[I]

I'm very bad. I could do the first two rows, but not the bottom row.

[C]

All right, perfect. Guess we won't be using that tonight.

[A]

All right, Hans, fun times. Thank you so Much the legend. Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen. All right, your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Isaac Kane Brown. We're gonna meet them all together now. Isaac Kane Brown.

[M]

My girlfriend's a type one diabetic and a type two Fucking bitch all the time. I think we should start thanking the spouses of veterans for their service. For real, guys, they're warriors. I mean, could you imagine hearing a firework and just getting the shit kicked out of you for absolutely no reason? Fuck the troops, dude. Fun fact. I don't know if you guys know this. Hennessy is made from grapes.

[J]

That's fucked up.

[M]

That's like light beer being made from ranch. You know exactly who's drinking it. Autocorrect can be confusing. For three months I thought my dad was scared of ninjas. Which, looking back, doesn't make sense. Why would ninjas have pitbulls?

[C]

Damn it. Just a little too long here to say it again. Why doesn't it make sense?

[M]

Why would ninjas have pit bulls?

[C]

Wow.

[A]

There you go.

[C]

There it is. Isaac Kane Brown, is this your first time on the show? No. Okay.

[P]

Third.

[C]

Third time? Yeah.

[F]

Okay.

[C]

All right. How long have you been doing stand up?

[M]

Three years now.

[C]

What do you do for work?

[M]

Nothing.

[C]

How do you. How are you able to survive without working?

[M]

VA disability.

[C]

Really? You're a veteran?

[M]

Yeah.

[C]

What branch?

[M]

Marine Corps.

[C]

Okay. What did you do in the Marine Corps?

[M]

I was an infantryman. Nothing too much.

[C]

You ever, you ever battle? You ever go to battle?

[M]

The only thing I battled was gay thoughts. And that was about it.

[A]

Wow. In that case, I deserve the medal of honor.

[C]

But the VA gives you enough money to totally survive and live a normal life.

[M]

I make it work. Yeah.

[C]

Can you give us an example of how you, you know, use your budget to your advantage?

[M]

Ramen noodles, Chef Boyardee. And then I. I sell Yu Gi oh cards.

[A]

Ah, there it is.

[C]

The truth is out. I remember you now. Red band going, you don't know Yu Gi oh. You don't know Yu Gi oh. What the hell? Yu Gi oh. And giantess porn. It's a whole evening.

[H]

What?

[A]

Pretty damn.

[C]

What's your love life like, Isaac? You seem like a good looking guy. You seem like you'd be the third Franco brother or something like that.

[M]

It's going good. I have a girlfriend.

[C]

Yeah?

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

She do comedy too?

[M]

No, she's a dog groomer.

[C]

Oh, a dog groomer. All right.

[M]

I love it when she calls me a good boy.

[C]

Everybody's in the some wild tonight. Amazing fun. What do you Guys, think about Isaac Kane Brown.

[A]

I'm asking the panel, not you guys.

[C]

Anything there, James? Do you ever DY Bob?

[E]

Well, you. You attacked the. The armed forces, but you were obvious. You were set. You were being negative about military servicemen. No.

[A]

What did he say?

[E]

You said something nasty about the Army.

[C]

Is that true?

[E]

You said, fuck the troops?

[M]

Yeah.

[E]

But you were the troops?

[N]

Yeah.

[E]

Did you not get along with the troops?

[F]

No.

[B]

They suck.

[C]

What do you mean when you say that? That they suck?

[M]

Well, most people in the military are 18 to 22. The only reason you join is because you got C's in high school.

[C]

Is that why you joined? Yeah. How old are you now, Isaac Kane Brown?

[M]

I'm 28.

[C]

28. And did you suffer a specific injury?

[M]

I got ejecto seatoed out of a vehicle.

[C]

And you. What?

[M]

Vehicle hit a trench and I flew the fuck out the top of it. Yeah.

[G]

If there was any country you could wipe off the earth, which one would it be?

[C]

Great question.

[G]

Just one?

[C]

Yeah.

[M]

Israel.

[A]

Oh, all right. Okay. And we're back, everybody. We had to take a little commercial break there.

[E]

That hair and nose, you're gonna pick Israel.

[G]

Look, he already hates himself with the troops thing.

[C]

One of the flies flew into the hard drive there. So if the video came out a

[A]

little jittery, it's all wacky.

[C]

Beep, boop, beep, boop, beep, boop. It's all fixed now. And we're back. Oh, there he is. When you hear the sound of a jungle bird, you know.

[G]

No way that's going on Netflix.

[C]

It's true.

[A]

Maybe on Al Jazeera, but not.

[C]

All right, Isaac Kane Brown, you're not Jewish yourself. No, no. You just look like that.

[M]

Yeah.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

I love it.

[A]

What do you think about CEOs of healthcare companies?

[C]

You do have a look, and we

[M]

gotta teach them a lesson.

[A]

All right, Isaac.

[C]

You. You already have a big joke book. There he goes.

[A]

Isaac Kane Brown, everyone. The lovely Heidi, everybody. Heidy Regina.com is her new website. What a smoke show. I'll tell you if I was into women. All right, this looks like a new name. Everybody makes a some noise for Augie Lee. Augie Lee. Here we go.

[H]

Hey.

[P]

So I caught my girlfriend cheating on me. I got home from work and walked into our house because we lived together, and I saw her making love with a man in my living room. So I bolted up and I said,

[C]

what's the big idea? No, I mean, really, what's the big idea? I mean, what the. No, no, no, no, no.

[A]

What the.

[P]

Anyway, speaking of black guys.

[J]

Right?

[P]

I mean, what the. No. My cousin's dating the black guy, and she's having a baby soon, and.

[H]

Yeah. Okay.

[P]

That's it?

[C]

No, no, no. You go. And I'm like, what's that baby gonna be like?

[P]

You know, like,

[C]

Hey, yo, where the Y babies at?

[J]

Can I get a chocolate?

[C]

Newport.

[J]

Wa.

[C]

Can you.

[P]

I need some studio time.

[H]

All right.

[P]

Thank you.

[J]

Yeah, no, no, no.

[A]

Keep going. Just. Do I do all the material that you have? I'm very interested by you.

[C]

Do you have more jokes?

[J]

No.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Perfect.

[J]

All right.

[P]

That's good. That's good.

[C]

Augie Lee.

[A]

I wanted to see if all your jokes, halfway through, you just turn into, like, a.

[C]

Seems like you have a little thing there.

[J]

Yeah.

[P]

Yeah.

[C]

You're like a really, really, really lazy Casey Rocket. I like it. Not a lot of movement, but a ton of charisma and very compelling material.

[L]

Thank you.

[C]

You have a little bit of your own style. How long you been doing stand up?

[P]

About, like, seven months.

[C]

Okay. All of it here in Austin?

[P]

Yeah. Well, started in Seattle. From Seattle.

[C]

And you just moved here?

[H]

Yeah.

[C]

Nice. Congratulations.

[P]

Thank you.

[C]

All right. What do you. How do you. Yep. James.

[E]

I just wondered what else you've been doing since LMFAO broke up.

[G]

Yeah.

[E]

I like the hair. The hair is cool. No, no.

[P]

Thanks. Yeah, no, I know. I'm like, Shimmy Chonga Libre? I don't know. Nacho Libra?

[J]

Never mind.

[A]

Forget about it.

[C]

Perfect. Yep. Are you Mexican?

[A]

Yeah.

[P]

Well, I mean, yeah.

[J]

Hispanic.

[P]

Something like that, yeah.

[C]

What do you do for work, Augie Lee?

[P]

I. I work at a thrift store.

[C]

Do you?

[P]

I do, actually.

[G]

Steel carburetors.

[P]

No, but I do work with some Mexicans.

[A]

You see some crazy stuff working at

[C]

a thrift store, People trying to make deals.

[P]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[C]

Tell us about it.

[P]

I got, like, guys coming in, and, like, someone will drop something off, and the. The thing is, it's required to bring it inside, and we tag it, price it, whatever. And I'll get. People be like, hey, Slippy, a 20. You know, and I'm like, I don't. I don't know. But, you know, we get, like. I got, like, Seinfeld collections and like.

[C]

Like vhs. Yeah, like, cool.

[B]

Yeah, just cool.

[P]

Like vintage shit, I guess.

[C]

Wow.

[P]

Gucci sunglasses.

[E]

They pay you for bringing stuff to a thrift store?

[C]

No, no.

[G]

Other people.

[P]

I get paid to bring it in while other people donate.

[E]

I'm sorry. I had a very exciting moment where I thought I could get rid of all my shit, but what you said they're coming in and they're complaining. They're like, this should be 20.

[J]

Yeah, exactly.

[C]

They're not getting any money for it.

[E]

They just want the dignity of the product to get a high price. Yeah, that's weird.

[P]

It is weird.

[O]

It is weird.

[P]

It's like, come on, we're doing it, like, a third of the price anyways or whatever.

[C]

Augie, do you do drugs?

[P]

I don't know, Tony.

[B]

Does it look like you do drugs?

[P]

You know what? Yeah, it does a little bit.

[C]

What kind of drugs do you do?

[P]

I like acid a lot.

[C]

Okay. When's the last time you did acid?

[G]

What time?

[F]

Today?

[P]

Actually, I did it, like, a couple weeks ago, and while I was on acid, we, like, we were just chilling on the couch and we were trying to write something, but we saw a rat running across into my bathroom. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[P]

I was like, is this real?

[C]

Yeah.

[J]

And they. Yeah, the rat.

[P]

It was a whole thing on rat. On acid. And my friends were just with me the whole night. That was the last time I took acid, by the way.

[J]

That was it. I mean, I.

[C]

A few weeks ago.

[P]

Yeah, a few weeks ago.

[C]

Yeah.

[P]

Yeah.

[A]

Awesome.

[C]

How about drinking? You do a lot of drinking, Like

[P]

a Jack and Coke guy?

[C]

How about bath salts?

[B]

Sorry.

[C]

Did you drink today?

[J]

What if I just eat his face off?

[C]

Kill Tony.

[A]

You're a wild boy, Augie.

[C]

Did you drink today, Augie? Oh, yeah, a little.

[P]

I had one drink. My friend Matt was like, you're getting one drink, only you don't. Don't, you know, just going to.

[H]

With you.

[P]

And I kind of. Yeah, I was like, okay. And then I'm here.

[C]

It happened.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

You scared? How do you scare?

[J]

A little bit.

[P]

I've been watching. I've been watching you guys since I was, like, 13 years old.

[C]

Wow. How old are you now?

[P]

I'm 24.

[C]

Amazing. Okay, so with that said, you've been watching that long. You're in the interview part right now. What would you want you to do in this part of the show you've been watching for a long time.

[P]

Wow.

[C]

This is it. Like anything.

[J]

I know.

[P]

I know, right?

[C]

You good at anything? You have any special skills or talents? You know how to yodel or anything like that?

[J]

No, I can't.

[P]

I can, so, no, no, but

[K]

I.

[P]

I don't always try. I'll try anything once. I like karaoke. I love karaoke.

[C]

I bet you do.

[P]

I make music and stuff, too, but I will sing anything. No, but.

[F]

No.

[P]

Yeah, no, don't let.

[A]

You know.

[P]

Don't let me do that. Because I.

[C]

Anything crazy about your family or your life history, any near death experiences, save anybody's life. You ever do anything good? Anyone's life or done an act of service? Oh, boy.

[P]

That's a good question. I don't think I have ever done anything good.

[C]

Okay. What's the worst thing you've ever done? You ever committed a crime or anything like that? We. Have you ever had brain injuries? Brain injury, concussions? We.

[P]

No. I don't know.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

No.

[P]

I don't know if I've done anything bad or good. Tony, this is a hard question. I'm trying to think of, like, when

[G]

you say we, or do you mean you?

[J]

He likes you.

[C]

No, he doesn't.

[J]

Yes. Yeah.

[P]

No, I. I meant my. I meant you, too.

[C]

Right.

[H]

No.

[C]

Yeah. All right, Augie, you're a silly boy.

[P]

Thank you.

[C]

But you know what? I'm going to give you a big joke book. Augie, Congratulations.

[F]

Thank you.

[P]

Thank you.

[A]

I liked your set. I appreciate you got a little. All right.

[C]

Tightened up during the interview. But there you go, Zoggy Leo.

[P]

Thank you.

[A]

I like silly.

[C]

Like when it goes silly. Yeah, he's pretty silly. He's a silly guy. Let's keep it moving along.

[A]

You guys still having fun out there? How many you like going? Comedians do good on this show. How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Well, you must be having a blast tonight.

[C]

Mix moose for your next bucket pool.

[A]

It's Jon Bechdel. John Bechdel.

[J]

Well, ladies and gentlemen, you're in a for a treat, so let's see how it goes. Austin, Texas. How's it going?

[C]

Rfk.

[J]

It's on fucking sight without these food dyes. How am I going to know which Eminem I want to fuck now? Joke's on you. It's the yellow one. I love that big dumb slide. Hey, y'.

[L]

All.

[J]

Give it up. Mother Chip.

[D]

I know.

[J]

This is a crowd of true blue red, 40 blooded Americans. Am I goddamn right?

[C]

No.

[J]

These music biopics, they're crazy. They're making like a Bruce Springsteen one.

[F]

What?

[J]

In 20 years, the clone of Timothee Chalamet is going to star in a One Direction movie that gets nominated for an Academy Award where we learn what direction that band was about.

[B]

Down.

[J]

We'll get a story about XXXTentacion's older brother. Xi Xi Xi. Elevion. The story of little Uzi Vert's dad. Big Gatling gun. Horizontal. All of his friends are alive. How?

[C]

How?

[J]

Rob Thompson, matchbox 20. It's just like. Yeah. Hindsight's matchbox 20 20. I know Joanne, she loves fabrics. I wouldn't trust a single Jason Vidali. Hell yeah, y'.

[A]

All. Jon Bechtel, you're a wild boy. Look at you again. This is like the third guy tonight

[C]

that just looks like a pure fucking comedian. I mean, you look like you've been extreme exclusively only eating plastics your entire life.

[J]

I can't even buy macro plastics.

[C]

Yeah, you look like you pour the water out of the plastic bottle and just exclude. Just start chewing on it. Just straight plastic bottle eater.

[J]

Bourbon flavor is like. That's an upgrade.

[C]

It is incredible. You are something else. I mean, look at you. You are a wild boy.

[J]

Thank you very much.

[A]

Okay, good, good, good.

[C]

Fantastic. How long have you been a full grown garden gnome?

[J]

Ever since I made that wish three full moons ago.

[C]

How long have you been exclusively only eating beef jerky? Seem dry.

[J]

I've never been able to afford that.

[B]

I'm not poor.

[C]

Okay, tell us about your budget. Tell us how you. What do you eat?

[J]

So luckily I work at a restaurant that gives us free food. I think that that's great. I think that legally that should be the case.

[C]

Yeah.

[J]

Cuz godamn it, I can't afford anything on these mother.

[C]

My God. Incredible. So what's your living situation? You live alone?

[J]

I've got some roommates.

[C]

Okay, tell us about the situation. How many? How many roommates?

[J]

Two roommates. They're married. Josh, Maria McCauley. They're.

[A]

Everybody's just shouting people out tonight. This is a ticking time bomb.

[J]

No, they're absolute saints. I wouldn't have a living like situation.

[C]

You had a what?

[J]

I wouldn't have a living situation if I wasn't doing comedy. I met cool people.

[C]

Yes, absolutely. So where'd you meet them?

[J]

At a open mic at Tiniest bar in Texas.

[C]

Okay.

[J]

Yeah.

[C]

Thought you were gonna say a A there for a second. Are you sober?

[J]

We went over this last time. I'm two years sober eventually.

[C]

Okay, but not yet.

[J]

Not yet.

[C]

Did the line work better the last time you did?

[J]

It kind of did, actually.

[C]

Okay, so John, you're working at a restaurant, you got roommates, you guys share one bathroom?

[P]

Two.

[J]

Oh, God. That is the biggest upgrade of my quality of life I've ever had. Having my own goddamn bathroom. My old roommate, Jake. Oh, this dipshit. My old roommate, Jake Anderson.

[A]

Okay, stop calling people out by their full names.

[J]

Would take. Would take a four hours. Like this Grendel ass just sitting in there. Like, he would just sit there and be like, dude, like you could just, like, you know, knock. And I'm like, you've been in here for five hours.

[C]

Do you ever take a while he's sitting there in the bathtub.

[J]

He kept the curtain closed. So I took a piss in protest once.

[C]

Wow. Look at you. You look crazy.

[A]

John.

[J]

Yeah.

[C]

What do you drink exactly?

[J]

Kettle.

[C]

Sure. Yes.

[A]

We're totally comparable, John.

[C]

What's your drink?

[J]

Vodka tonic.

[C]

How many of those do you drink a day?

[J]

I've had two today.

[C]

Really? Yeah. Only two?

[J]

Only two. Now, they do serve. They do serve pictures next door at Shakespeare's.

[C]

Did you have one of the pitchers?

[J]

I tried to. And then y' all called me.

[C]

Okay, you know what we're gonna do? Let's do a breathalyzer test on this guy.

[A]

We have a new. We have a new breathalyzer that we've never tried out before. This is a brand new test in

[C]

the history of kil.

[A]

Tony, this is gonna be great. We've never done this before. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the lovely Heidi, everyone. You know how to do this thing, Heidi.

[C]

Okay, it's on.

[J]

I'm a professional taking breathalyzer test.

[C]

All right. Fucking blow, you creep. The thing reads disgusting.

[G]

It just says halitosis.

[C]

What does it say? Heidi Point zero. Yeah, you gotta blow, you. Jesus Christ Almighty. All right. There you go.

[J]

I think that's just genuinely crazy.

[C]

Slightly over the legal limit, right?

[A]

Or.

[C]

No, it's under.

[G]

No, it's way under. Yeah, way under.

[C]

You look trashed.

[J]

I look like trash? To me.

[C]

What's your love life like, John? Is there anyone that's into that? We found out tonight people have a lot of crazy fetishes.

[J]

Oh, God. Well, mine's about, like, not having a fetish. So. So I had an old fuck buddy of mine, she told me not to tell the story.

[A]

Great. Please do not say her full name.

[J]

So her name is Michelle Obama? No.

[C]

No.

[J]

So. So she just recently became a jugglette, and we're hooking up and she's like, john, I think this is going to be a deal breaker. And it's like, we've been fucking for, like, eight years.

[C]

So what's going to be a deal breaker?

[J]

Well, her playlist. She's just become a jugglette.

[G]

There's nothing else.

[J]

It's all brand new, like, music to her. So there's like, four songs.

[G]

Did you go to the gathering?

[E]

Not yet.

[J]

Didn't get invited.

[D]

All right.

[J]

She starts stocking the fridge of Faygo,

[C]

you know, so why would it not work out if she's into different music.

[J]

Well, she. She wants me to be into it. This is what she started listening to, right? There's about four songs in the playlist. What, does she have that on repeat during sex?

[E]

But she's got that insane clown pussy now, so you're out as cheap as cheap and wrong. You should fix your situation. This long term fuck buddy thing is a real mistake.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[J]

No, no, I'm out of the situation. The Insane Clown Posse is now in the situation.

[G]

Well, at least they didn't come out here with a blood test.

[C]

John, before you go, tell us the craziest thing about your entire life that we don't know about you right now.

[J]

I fell into the sewer last year. I'm trying to find a good lawyer to help me sue the city of Austin to help with that.

[C]

Okay, please tell us exactly what happened.

[A]

I think we're finding out exactly why you look the way you look. It took seven. It took seven and a half minutes for us to get there. The old bot cons calling the kettle black.

[D]

Old.

[C]

Old nuclear wiener dog over here.

[J]

So this is the story of how I went home. I'm walking down the street, I'm going down South 1st and Barton Springs by that Whataburger. What a lovely day. I turn to the left, I fucking fall about eight feet into a fucking sewer. Oh, the fucking guy walked like working on it. Didn't put a sign. He's just like smoking a joy on the side and being like, oh, what's going on over here? And I'm like, help me, please.

[K]

Oh my.

[A]

You could definitely sue for that, dude.

[J]

I've got like 90 stories like that.

[G]

You're gonna die.

[J]

Probably. Yeah.

[G]

No, seriously, you have everything.

[J]

Yeah.

[G]

You might be the strongest person alive. Immune wise, though.

[J]

That's what I'm saying.

[G]

You're like the toxic adventure without the know hero part and strength. Yeah.

[J]

And also unemployable, right? Yeah.

[E]

You've got 90 stories similar to falling down an open sewers.

[C]

Can you tell us one more? Do you have one more that you could think of?

[J]

When I was a kid, I was attacked by a pelican on a school trip.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[J]

You don't. You can't believe how hard it was to convince that teacher I didn't have my homework anymore.

[G]

Where were you?

[J]

Visiting seaworld, so the teachers didn't have to work.

[C]

Oh my God. How hard did it attack you?

[J]

I mean, like, I'm no longer friends with those goddamn dirty birds.

[C]

You were friends with the pelicans before?

[J]

I thought they're pretty neat. You know, I like to. What? Who's the one like the. It's the tuna guy. Like the. The fish?

[C]

Yeah.

[J]

Restaurant. I don't know.

[C]

Yeah.

[P]

Sun.

[C]

Charlie. Charlie Sun.

[E]

Mr. Tuna.

[J]

Yeah, Mr. Tuna.

[C]

Mr. Tuna.

[J]

Classic character.

[E]

Sorry, but there are like 90 of these stories.

[B]

Okay? Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[J]

You could be here all night.

[E]

No, but just rattle them.

[C]

I'd like to hear one more story. Number 88.

[J]

Number 80 is.

[C]

Fell into a sewer. Was 90. Attacked by pelicans. SeaWorld number 88.

[J]

All right. One time I got the district manager of my job fired because he owed me $270 and he could not stop me from calling HR every single day.

[C]

So how did you get him fired?

[J]

Well, you. You know, this guy would hire like 16 year olds, you know, just. That was kind of his most operating.

[C]

Where was this shot? What was this job?

[J]

Potbelly on Guadalupe.

[A]

Wow. Calls everything out by name. Kevin Snow, old blackmail Bechtel the Doxer. John Bechtel is here. Samantha Appleby. You happy?

[C]

Party's not too hot. You're a wild boy, John. You already have a big joke book.

[J]

I do not.

[C]

Here you go. There it is.

[A]

John Beck, everyone

[C]

talking about how he

[A]

wants to Eminem's and honestly, I believe him. I believe him.

[C]

Whoa, whoa.

[E]

91.

[A]

Yeah, there it is. Story number 91. I was once walking off Kil Tony and I almost drove died tripping on a court. I need a lawyer, if anybody has one. I did have a lawyer before, but he screwed me. His name,

[C]

the. Is it Henry Thomas.

[A]

J. Henry Thomas.

[C]

J. Henry.

[A]

All right, your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Alex Tarno. Alex Tarno, everyone.

[C]

Here we go. How are you guys doing tonight?

[F]

Good.

[E]

Yeah, I'm doing good myself.

[B]

All things considering. I'm single. I miss my ex girlfriend because I miss doing chick shit. I love chick shit. Most guys in this room are like football cars. Me, I'm like Hobby Lobby Bath and Body Works. Love all that shit. I try to convince my guy friends to go with me, but they all just think I'm trying to fuck them. They're like, yo, let's go to a strip club. I'm like, that sounds fun. But, you know. Sounds fun. A farmer's market. Let's go get some locally sourced honey, dude. Some fresh produce.

[L]

Dude.

[B]

I did go to that strip club, right? I like strip clubs, but I don't like that the gender roles were reversed at a strip club. The women come up to the men and that's terrifying to me. I'm not used to that shit at all. And they're aggressive as fuck. Ladies, I understand your plight. I now know what it's like to be a hot chick. Cause I'm just there with my boys, just trying to have a fun time at the strip club. And these money hungry strippers are like, ah, you want to dance? You want to dance?

[C]

And I'm like, leave me alone.

[B]

Trying to have fun with my friends just because I dress as sweet as me. I want attention.

[C]

All right, thank you.

[A]

Alex Tarnow. Hell, yeah.

[C]

Welcome. Welcome, Alex. We know you, right? Have you been on this show before?

[B]

Yes, I have, sir.

[P]

Yes.

[C]

You've been pulled out of the bucket.

[B]

Not pulled out of the bucket. I brought Chris Silio, my roommate.

[C]

My best friend. That's right.

[I]

Yeah.

[C]

The golden ticket winner. That's blind. Incredible. How long have you guys been roommates?

[B]

We've been roommates for a short period of time. Best friends for 10 years.

[C]

Wow. Amazing. What's it like being best friends with a blind guy?

[B]

It's fine. I mean, like

[A]

D madness. Plug your ears, dude.

[B]

Bro, like, you know, like simple, where, like, it'll be.

[J]

He's.

[B]

This one time, I go into the bathroom, lights are off, doors open, right? I open the door and then he goes, ah. I did. I'm like, well, you.

[C]

Oh, that's amazing. Of course they don't need the lights on. Why the fuck would they?

[A]

I've never even thought of that before.

[C]

Blind people's electric bills must be incredible. God damn it. 35 cent. What the fuck did I do? How the hell is this even motherfucking possible?

[A]

It's all from the doorbell.

[C]

Who been ringing that fucking door bill that much? I'm gonna charge those doing my D madness impression. D. I don't know if you could tell that's you. I'm not really good at impressions, but that's. I love it. So what. What do you do for work, Alex Tarnow?

[E]

Me?

[B]

So I am. My background is in teaching. But right now, the first job I was able to get when I moved to Austin, I'm currently a server at a retirement community.

[G]

Whoa.

[A]

Okay.

[P]

Yeah.

[C]

You're just serving final meals.

[B]

Constant, dude, just. I mean, bro, I was, like, excited when I first got the job because I'm like, yo, I'm gonna crush some old pussy, dude.

[E]

And then.

[B]

And then I got. And then I got the job. And then I was like, oh, bro, gross. This is not like what you Google online, dude.

[C]

Have any of the ladies. Have any of the old ladies tried to you.

[B]

No. Come on, buddy.

[P]

Not at All.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

You would have crushed them, though.

[A]

You are adorably chubby.

[C]

I mean, it is a special. It is a very special kind of fat. I love that you lean into it by wearing shirts like that.

[B]

If you poke my belly, I giggle.

[C]

I bet. I bet you do. What's. What are your foods of choice? What. What does it take to exactly make that shape?

[B]

So I. I have, like, a legendary chipotle order.

[C]

Ooh, tell us about that. Pretty crazy.

[B]

I get state a steak bowl, but triple steak.

[C]

Oh, my God, yes.

[B]

Double large guac, extra toppings.

[C]

Dude, what are your toppings of choice?

[B]

My top cheese, like the shredded cheese right at corn.

[C]

You know, the chili corn.

[B]

The corn, yeah.

[C]

You go red and green.

[B]

I do red and green, yeah.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

M M's.

[B]

I go rice crispy treats.

[A]

It's like one of those wacky.

[C]

Wacky ice cream sundaes by the end, but crumbled Oreos.

[B]

I go ham with that too.

[P]

Dude.

[B]

Dairy Queen is.

[C]

I miss you. Go ham with ham. What's your love life like, Alex?

[B]

It's. I've been single now for two years, you know.

[C]

Yeah.

[H]

Yeah.

[B]

So you know.

[C]

You from Austin? No, I'm from Miami. Have you ever kissed a girl since you lived in Austin?

[B]

Not yet.

[A]

No, not yet.

[C]

Is there a girl out there?

[A]

Is there a fan of the show that'll come up and give him his big first Austin kiss? This adorable boy? We have some of the greatest fans in all of show business. And famously, there's always a woman that for the sake of the goodness of the state, of. Of the union. Come on, whoever you are. This is where the magic happens, everybody. This is a very long, famous portion of the show. It's called Kiss Me here on Kill.

[C]

Tony, this is Alex Tarnow, and this

[A]

is his first kiss Me as an Austin, Texas resident. Okay. Hell, yeah. That was a quick little peck there. How do you feel, Alex?

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

I appreciate that.

[A]

Thank you. Thank you.

[E]

I believe this is a couple.

[A]

Yeah, it really is.

[C]

You guys are both wearing Halloween shirts.

[E]

What? Why you booing? Why are you. Who are you offended by in that right thing? Just right now? You don't think he's a handsome, charismatic man with a funny joke about the strip club?

[B]

I look like a poor man's John Belushi.

[E]

Like a Jo. Jim Belushi. You look like a Jim Belushi.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

A poor man's J. Balushi is.

[E]

That's what I was trying to say.

[A]

I thought it was funny. It is.

[P]

Yeah.

[C]

It's so funny. It's Incredible.

[G]

Okay, Alex, just make sure she's on top.

[B]

It's fucking murder if I'm on top.

[C]

What's your name, sweetheart? Talk into that microphone right there. Elena. Elena, how did you feel kissing Alex on this stage?

[Q]

Well, he's quite charming.

[A]

Wow, look at this. Oh, my goodness.

[C]

Hell yeah.

[A]

This chick's gonna be walking in on

[C]

a blind dude taking a in the

[A]

dark in no time. This is incredible.

[C]

Amazing. Amazing. Elena, where are you from? Michigan. Oh, okay, so this guy's. This is like a 10 right here. This is a Michigan 10.

[B]

We do look like we make the perfect 10, though.

[A]

Yeah. 01 perhaps. I think Michael's seeing the 10 back there. All right.

[C]

Thank you so much, Elena. Thank you. Alex Tarnow.

[A]

Fun times. Alex, how long's your longest set? I'm gonna hand for Elena, everybody being a good sport, what's the longest set you've ever done?

[J]

30 minutes.

[C]

30 minutes.

[E]

I would love to have you and

[A]

the blind guy on the secret show Thursday. Chris Celio and Alex. Alex Tarnow just got booked on the secret show. Oh, my goodness. Here we are. Coming right around the corner. All right, we have another bucket full, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Jackson Namie, everyone. Jackson Namie.

[C]

Appreciate it.

[F]

I know I look like I got turned out at A Planet Fitness. It was a ymca. Fuck you for real. I got ptsd. Preconceived tendency to suck dick and it's a disorder and it's hereditary, so some of you hoes better watch out. They call me Cronus the way I be eating kids.

[E]

Pause.

[F]

Pause. What the fuck? That's a Greek joke. They call me Percy Jackson the half blood. For real fuck. They call my throat Schlitterbahn the way kids be sliding down it. But it's a magic school bus on my tongue. Come on. The magic school bus. Arnold, stop sucking dick behind the school bus again. I can tell there's some closeted energy. I can feel it in the crowd. That one time in college with his uncle with that girl who wasn't a girl, who he thought it was a girl, but you ever get so horny you scoot on the carpet like a dog? Just me. Just me. Nah, the dykes are in the front row, are like, nah. We just munch it, the fuck. This guy asked me if being gay was a choice. I said, not to my victims. The fuck?

[A]

Damn Jackson Navy coming in and absolutely destroying counts for double people being that gay in the middle of Texas. You double killed.

[C]

Absolutely incredible Jackson. Last time you killed this hard, it was your parents Expectations of you.

[A]

What a huge change from last time.

[C]

You were. Huge growth spurt since the last time you were on this show, which was very.

[A]

It was just gay. Wasn't.

[C]

And you came out.

[F]

I only half gay now.

[C]

That had to be.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Amazing. Amazing, Jackson. So remind us, how long you been doing stand up now?

[F]

Seven, eight years, maybe.

[C]

Seven or eight years. All of it here in Texas?

[F]

Yes, sir.

[C]

Okay. This is where you're born and raised?

[F]

Houston, Texas.

[C]

Okay. What are your parents like? What do they think of this whole thing with you?

[F]

They're just regular folk. Conservative Methodist.

[C]

Yeah. What does your dad say to you when you.

[F]

What?

[C]

When he hears material like this, what do you think he's gonna say? Like, jackson, God damn it.

[F]

He's boomer. Autism. So, like, I give him credit. I give him space. You know what I mean?

[C]

Like, what do you mean by that? Can you explain it?

[F]

Like, he can knock on the walls and be like, that's hardwood right there. Like, he just. He just knows shit like that. So, you know, we get along in a weird way. So, like.

[A]

Like Hank Hill shit?

[F]

Definitely Hank Hill shit. Yeah. If Bobby was trans and me. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. What do you guys do for fun? What do you and your dad do for fun?

[F]

We used to go camping. We don't, you know, estrain relationships, you know, we trying.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

How about Mom?

[C]

You closer with Mom?

[F]

She cool? She. She was in remission for breast cancer.

[C]

Okay.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

Look at that. Amazing. Full remission. Okay. So what do you do for fun, Jackson, when you're not doing comedy? You're sucking cock. What's your third favorite thing to do? We know what the first two are. This guy is killing and filling. He's crushing and gushing.

[F]

I got me a girlfriend.

[C]

Really?

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Okay. Where'd you meet this guy?

[E]

Guy?

[C]

No, no, it's a real girl.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

You. You have. You have a. You're gay, but you have a girlfriend.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

Help us to understand.

[F]

Like, I was her gay friend.

[C]

Uhhuh.

[F]

And now she, like, needs a gay friend.

[E]

It finally worked for one of us. We finally.

[A]

Ah.

[E]

It's been a strategy for a.

[C]

This is amazing. So explain to us the slow burn that was you being her gay friend to starting to. How long were you guys just friends? For years.

[F]

Years, definitely.

[C]

So then what? Explain to us the moment, the day, the date, the movie, whatever it may have been, where all of a sudden you.

[F]

It was the day I was. I was being institutionalized. It was that day.

[C]

Okay, so tell us about that.

[F]

So, like, she called me after a while I'd been a while, and I was like, yeah, because you remember I said, I suck dick up here, and million views and.

[C]

Yeah, you just did it again.

[A]

You just did it again.

[C]

Yeah, that's it. I mean, it's.

[F]

Whatever. But I'm just saying, you know, I got a lot of traction on Grindr after that. That was crazy. But.

[C]

Okay, so you're. You got institutionalized after your appearance on the show, for sure. But why?

[F]

What?

[A]

Why?

[G]

Was it for the pressure of being on the show? Honestly?

[F]

No. Okay, man.

[G]

Okay.

[C]

Tell us why you got institutionalized.

[F]

The gay.

[C]

What do you mean?

[A]

Who?

[C]

I was sad.

[A]

Juanita was here earlier. She's not going to jail.

[C]

She's not going to a psych ward.

[F]

Put me on some Prozac. That's the medicine company. That was it.

[C]

Your parents?

[P]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, that's the answer.

[F]

Yeah, it was fine. It was fine.

[C]

Okay, so how long did you get institutionalized for?

[F]

Two months. Two months?

[C]

Two months. Tell us about that. What was that? Like?

[F]

I was popular for the first time ever.

[E]

It was awesome.

[A]

Okay, explain to us what you mean by that.

[F]

Well, like, they do this group therapy, and, like, I was just running laughs around.

[A]

It's like getting big laughs.

[F]

Yeah, like, kill it. Oh, mama cancer. Oh, I was a sweetheart like, motherfucker. Oh, yeah, yeah. Them girls with the bracelets around, they cut wrists, that shit. Oh, I was. I was everyone's best friend.

[C]

So you met this girl, this new girlfriend of yours in the psych?

[F]

No, sir.

[C]

No. So where'd you. Oh, that's right, right.

[F]

Hometown. Hometown girlfriend.

[C]

So why did she come out of the woodwork the day of your institutionalization?

[F]

God, I don't know. I don't fucking know.

[C]

Okay, so when you got out two months ago later, she picked you up. Yeah, we waited.

[F]

Slow burn. Just doing gay friendship. Going to the Galleria Botanical Gardens.

[C]

Right.

[F]

That's gay. It's just it.

[C]

Okay, so tell us about that moment, where it went from being super gay to not gay at all anymore.

[F]

I would sit in the cup chair

[C]

in her bedroom while she was having sex with guys.

[F]

Well, when I would do comedy, she would do some of that. But like that. Cause we wasn't together, so it was like I was doing some of that, too. We just. Keeping the friendship.

[C]

Okay, let me go back to the root question here. Let's.

[A]

I'm trying to fight Prozac right now. This is a live battle. Tony versus Prozac, and a battle of the Titans. If you're wondering why these interviews go nowhere, sometimes it's because it is. The big health care companies have a tight grip on my show so far. Prozac is up one round against me.

[C]

There had to be a moment, a true moment. Say you're at the Botanical Gardens or something like that. A moment where you're like, I think I could. I think I want to have sex

[F]

with this National Geographic show.

[C]

Okay. I know.

[A]

No, seriously, in real life, it doesn't

[C]

have to be funny.

[F]

Like, we just fucked. I was in the bedroom, I was laying down. We were tired of scissoring. It was time. It was time. It was time. Motherfucker. I scored it. She scored it. My pussy was wet. We got the ph meter metifier. We was ready.

[C]

So you're regularly having sex with a girl?

[F]

She's pregnant? Yes.

[A]

Wait, what? There are some. I'm confused. I can't even imagine. I'm looking out at some Texans that definitely drove a F250 here from a. From an hour and a half away. Some real ranch folks that are just

[E]

l. Down on it. This is good. This is what you wanted.

[B]

I don't.

[E]

He ain't gay no more. He like women.

[C]

This is incredible.

[G]

Are you still on the SSRIs?

[F]

No, sir.

[A]

Okay.

[F]

No, sir. I'm free wheeling it.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

How long has the girl been pregnant for?

[F]

She's due in October.

[C]

Due in October. Unbelievable. And so what are you gonna name the little.

[A]

Well, Jesus Christ, that thing's coming out gay as. Dude, you're going to go through what your parents went through and you're going to find out how karma works and they're going to think you're the conservative autistic one.

[F]

Lil Jaden, I don't know. You going to be light skinned? We going to fuck around.

[C]

Oh, it's a black girl.

[F]

Oh, she Nigerian? Yes, sir.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

This is incredible.

[C]

This guy's making up for all the

[A]

interviews that went nowhere today every time I ask him a question.

[G]

But isn't it nice that he's still disappointing his parents?

[A]

It's unbelievable.

[C]

Have you told them that you're straight now? Have you broke the news to your parents that you're having a baby?

[F]

Yeah, they were. They're. Yeah.

[C]

Are they happy?

[F]

They know? Yes, sir.

[C]

How do they feel about it? They're relieved.

[F]

They're like, thank God.

[C]

They're incredible. How does it feel going from gay

[F]

to straight in record time? Crazy. And split speed? Yeah.

[C]

What's funny is that you still. You got so good from doing it seven or eight years as a gay man that all of your material is crushing and you're talking about sucking dick.

[F]

Well, you know, I still dabble, but do you really?

[C]

You really need their hobbies. Wow. Does she do that too? Is the night.

[F]

Yeah, we fuck around, we have a good time.

[C]

Wow. Incredible. I know where I'm sleeping tonight.

[A]

My new friend's house.

[C]

Pregnant Nigerian and super gay guy.

[A]

Sounds like a fucking.

[E]

You gotta get ready to be a father to this child. You gotta stop fucking around. You gotta buy some real pants. You gotta now believe in your ability to be there for this woman and this child. But you running it until October is soon.

[F]

I'm busting my ass here, motherfucker. I'm trying my best.

[G]

No, you gotta not bust your ass.

[A]

Your ass has been busted enough.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Jackson, does she have a job?

[F]

Yeah, sure.

[C]

What does she do?

[F]

We don't got a job right now.

[A]

You guys, Neither of you have jobs.

[C]

How are you planning on supporting the child?

[F]

Give me a gig.

[C]

No, that's not how it works. How are you going to do it period?

[F]

You know, you know, only fans. I don't know.

[C]

Do you guys do things on only fans?

[F]

No, sir. No.

[C]

Okay, so how they got a big. How are you planning on taking supporting the child? This interview is going to get sad ass job. Like what I was.

[F]

I worked at a hair store. I can do that again.

[C]

A hair store? Yeah, Sally's. Okay. I don't know.

[F]

I don't know what that is exactly.

[G]

Dude, you got. You got immense talent to be a professional comic though.

[I]

For real.

[C]

Thank you.

[F]

Thank God somebody said thank you so much. Right?

[A]

Send this guy some money. Send this. Send this.

[C]

What do they call it when they transfer this?

[E]

Transfer what?

[A]

You play that born again straight guy.

[E]

Listen, it's all well and good to be homophobic, but unless you're willing to give money to an exish homosexual. What does it all mean?

[C]

What's your Venmo?

[E]

Give your vent.

[F]

Yes, Jackson. Namy1.

[C]

N a M I. Yes, Jackson. And namey1.

[E]

You're going to want to get a Venmo. The cash app. People don't give as generously, right?

[C]

It's true.

[A]

You're going to need a Venmo. Venmo is one more V you have to get into. Incredible. What's your longest set you've ever done, Jackson?

[F]

10:15.

[A]

I'd love to give you an eight minute spot spot at secret show Thursday.

[C]

There you go.

[A]

And here's the big joke about Jackson. Here you go. He caught it. He's straight. It's official. Wow. Unbelievable.

[C]

What an intriguing interview.

[A]

One more Time for Jackson, everybody. All right, your final bucket poll of the night. Make some noise for Frank Kidd, everyone. Frank Kidd. Here we go. We're almost there. One more time for Frank, everybody.

[C]

All right.

[N]

Hello. Sounds like you guys have been having fun, but if I could bring the mood down for a little bit, I want to talk about a difference between black people and white people. Like, black people drive past a plantation and think about the years of horrific injustices put upon us and just how it impacts us today. Just the number of souls lost to the annals of time, crushed under an oppressive system. And then white people drive past that same place and go, what a nice place to have a wedding.

[C]

Why don't we get married here, babe?

[B]

Let's do a silly one.

[N]

Put the shackles on me. That's crazy.

[C]

I don't know.

[N]

Ma', am, have you ever been to a wedding at Auschwitz? Has that ever happened to you? No. That'd be crazy, right? Okay.

[C]

All right.

[N]

Thank you.

[C]

All right, Frank Kidd, welcome. Frank, is this your first time on the show?

[N]

Yeah, first time on the show.

[C]

How long you been doing stand up?

[N]

Four years now.

[C]

Where at, Houston?

[N]

Baton Rouge.

[C]

Baton Rouge. That was gonna be my next game.

[N]

Great game.

[B]

Great game.

[N]

Yeah. Go talk.

[C]

Yeah, absolutely. It is college football season. Did you go to college?

[N]

Yeah, I went to lsu.

[C]

Oh, sweet. What did you get your degree in?

[N]

Journalism.

[C]

Okay. What do you. Do you use that at all for anything?

[N]

Delivering Amazon packages.

[C]

Perfect. Did you pay off your college debts yet?

[N]

Parents pay for it.

[C]

Oh, nice. Okay. What do the parents do?

[N]

Real estate.

[C]

Nice. Look at that. You lucked out.

[N]

Thank you, mom and Dad.

[B]

I love it.

[C]

I love it. What do you do for fun, Frank?

[N]

I like to go out, hang out with my girlfriend, watch football.

[C]

Okay.

[N]

Do gay remixes songs.

[C]

Do what? Remixes.

[N]

Gay remixes.

[C]

What do you mean, gay remixes?

[N]

It's like. Just like a. Yeah, he was about to. It's like a regular song.

[C]

James, go ahead.

[E]

Sorry. We just saw a gay remix come out earlier on. That won't make sense to you, but I apologize. It was a gay guy who's not gay anymore.

[N]

Oh, yeah, I heard the last part of it.

[E]

He sort of not get any.

[G]

Well, he dabbles.

[E]

Yeah, he dabbles.

[A]

Yeah, he'll still suck your dick in

[C]

a heartbeat, but totally straight now. No anal. Frank, how long you been with your girlfriend?

[N]

About a year now.

[C]

What does she do?

[N]

She works at Dillard's.

[C]

Oh, okay. All right. White girl, black girl, black. Okay.

[N]

I don't like how he.

[A]

What?

[N]

He was like, white girl, black girl. I Was like, she's black.

[C]

Yeah.

[N]

Yeah.

[C]

Is that weird? It's a weird question.

[N]

No, I'm just saying, I was like. It seems like you looked at me and you were like, he dates white women.

[C]

And I was like, you don't think

[A]

you look like you would.

[N]

Not anymore.

[C]

Right, right. You've been with white women before.

[N]

No comment.

[C]

Of course. When you have, what's something that you notice that's different about white women?

[N]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Man.

[L]

Man.

[C]

White pussy.

[N]

No, white pussy. Be like black. But I. I really didn't notice anything different, you know?

[C]

Nothing at all. Huh? Nothing.

[E]

There's so many huge differences.

[C]

Yeah, huge.

[E]

Like, I bet this, you know, touching of the hair is, I'm told, a big thing. And it.

[C]

No doubt

[A]

white women have that cauliflower thing deep inside them that black people don't have.

[C]

I don't know who.

[E]

What does that mean?

[A]

You feel that cauliflower?

[E]

Black women not have that.

[C]

What the is wrong with you? What is wrong with you? What the is wrong with you? Have you felt the cauliflower thing before?

[M]

It was.

[N]

It was broccoli. It was broccoli.

[C]

Broccoli.

[A]

Broccoli.

[C]

Cauliflower is. If it's a white woman.

[A]

Broccoli. It's a darker woman.

[C]

Okay. So, Frank, what else. What do you do for any other hobbies or anything like that?

[N]

Play Xbox. I go to the gym, I guess I wish I did, like, rock climbing or bungee jumping or killed people or something for fun. That would be more interesting.

[C]

But, you know, that makes sense, though.

[N]

Yeah.

[C]

I love it. I love it. What's your favorite food, Frank?

[N]

Mac and cheese.

[Q]

Ah.

[C]

How often do you eat Mac and cheese?

[N]

Probably once every two weeks.

[C]

Wow. What a special treat. That's. That's a. I eat it more than that.

[A]

Yeah. Red band has to go to a meetup group. If he goes two weeks without his Mac and cheese. What's your favorite Mac and cheese? Oh, what?

[C]

Here we go. Different levels to the game. Perhaps some bacon bits in the mix.

[N]

Oven baked with the bacon bits and the breadcrumbs on top.

[A]

Red band. Red band sometimes does a breadcrumbs only remix of that. Breadcrumbs.

[C]

All right. Frank. Frank, Frank, Frank. Kid. You have any kids?

[N]

No, I do not have any.

[C]

You want to.

[N]

Is that. Are you offering me something?

[E]

Yes.

[A]

Would you like to make a baby with me? No. Are you.

[C]

Look, do you want to have kids one day?

[N]

Yes, I'd like to have kids.

[C]

Do you see them also?

[N]

I will take you up on your offer to have kids. With you.

[A]

Perfect.

[N]

Because, you know, divorce. I'm coming for half.

[C]

Absolutely. Absolutely. I had a feeling you were going to try to steal something from me.

[A]

When I first. I didn't realize you were going to play the long game, Frank. I thought you were coming straight from my wallet.

[N]

I got a long game. I can play with you, Tony.

[C]

I love it.

[A]

I missed that.

[C]

What did he say?

[E]

He said he was playing the long game with you.

[N]

No, I said I've got a long game. I can play with you, Tony.

[A]

Oh, I.

[E]

Sorry. That's very similar to what I.

[C]

Absolutely. Okay. Frank. Anything else crazy about your life we should know about? Anything ever happened or a weird thing with your family or weird thing with my family. Something. Anything about your entire life makes you different.

[N]

Okay. So I was out this weekend and this old dude walked up to my girlfriend's friend and he stopped like this and he looked her up and down and pulled his glasses down and walked away. I thought that was pretty funny. That was insane. I can't believe I saw that in real life. That was ridiculous.

[C]

What did you do?

[N]

We looked at each other and laughed. We were like, has that ever worked for you or something? He's like 60 something years old in the club with like 25, you know, 30 year old.

[A]

He's just appreciating it.

[F]

Like, that's a compliment.

[A]

Yeah.

[N]

Yeah. Is that how you hit on women?

[H]

Sure.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

He's got the look.

[A]

That's my thing. Oh, God.

[P]

Wow.

[N]

You want to be on secret show? Can you keep a secret?

[Q]

No.

[C]

Frank.

[A]

Fun times.

[C]

Congratulations on getting pulled. There you go. There's a joke.

[A]

Frank. Kid, everybody. There he goes. Everyone.

[C]

Frank Kidd.

[A]

Well, we've been through so much tonight. I mean, how could we forget Colin

[C]

Sledge starting it off with a great set and an awkward interview. And then Juanita being Juanita, the giant

[A]

Mexican woman with a cock.

[C]

Then there was the electrical energy of

[A]

Pat o', Neill, the huge bombing of Olivia Coughlin, talking about Jill Biden and her cleaner. It was Mario Z, Hans Kim, Isaac

[C]

Kane Brown, Augie Lee, Jon Bechtel, Alex

[A]

Tarnow, Jackson Namie, who went from gay

[C]

to straight coming inside of a woman's vagina after the dick had been in many assholes of men. Men's assholes. Where poop comes out of and then it's in where a baby comes out of a vagina. And it came inside of it to the point to where a baby will come out of the shit stained vagina.

[A]

Amazing to think that one day little baby Navy will come out of the shit Slide. Vagina.

[E]

It's like this is really Tiny's internal monologue. I think at all times.

[A]

We've had so much fun with James.

[C]

The black Israel Israelite, is out on YouTube.

[A]

Dave Landau's book, Party of One, is out.

[F]

Now.

[A]

I think there's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen, and it is with. Only one man can do it. The hall of Famer who has more appearances than anybody ever in the history of the show. Some people call him the nicked nuisance. The Prince of prize picks. The vanilla gorilla. The Memphis Strangler. This is the Big Red Machine. William Montgomery, everybody.

[K]

Quick survey. Who here has not seen the remake of the Longest Yard with Adam St. Sandler? Okay, spoiler alert. He rapes a lot of inmates.

[A]

It's graphic.

[K]

The sun has gone bad. I repeat, the sun has gone bad. That is the guy who's never seen black people. If anybody ever hacked or figured out my Social Security number, I would be screwed, because they would know my password to literally everything. In high school, Red band was so racist, he got voted most likely to secede.

[A]

Yeah.

[K]

From the union. During school photos, they'd be like, red band, you can't wear that hood. Okay, that's my time, Tony.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Very interesting set. Accusing Red Band of racing racism when he was younger.

[C]

That's an odd, different maneuver. We've never seen this before.

[K]

I had never seen his yearbook picture before. I actually got his. His yearbook from his mom. His mom sent me a bunch of wow. In the mail. We're pen pals.

[C]

Does. Does his mom send you a lot of things?

[K]

Yeah, I mean, all kinds of stuff. But, yes, she did send me his old yearbooks. And it was because normally it's most likely to succeed, right? Yeah, they said sissy, and he's wearing his Stars and Bars shirt. It was really weird. I get it. He's in Ohio or whatever. But, yeah, it seemed pretty racist.

[C]

Wow. William, are you ever racist? What do you think about other people?

[D]

No.

[K]

Oh, my gosh. I try to take people as they are, Tony. I try to. I tried. But I'll be honest, though.

[A]

Somebody.

[C]

Somebody.

[K]

I can be racist against those other redheaded people every now and again. I liked. I generally like to be the only redheaded person.

[E]

You starting this up again? You start with me.

[K]

Once again, Tony's asking me what I feel racist against. I do feel racist against other red edit people.

[E]

We got to stick together. We got to do something for the community.

[K]

Yeah, but I want to be the only one when I'M in a room. I want to be the only redheaded person when I'm in a room. You don't feel that way, you guys.

[E]

I don't care about it.

[K]

That's weird. Is it weird? Yeah.

[E]

We don't get any special powers or strengths. There's no redhead advocacy group out there trying to get us an Oscar.

[C]

Sounds like William.

[K]

We require more anesthesia. That seems like a superpower to me.

[C]

James, is that true? Do you. Have you known that? Have you had to use anesthesia?

[E]

Only the women. It's a fun. I only. It's only the women.

[C]

What?

[E]

Red headed women need more anesthesia. They don't really understand why it's not fun and it's not funny. So I didn't really want to talk about it, but that happens to be a fact. It's like Mexicans not getting knocked out or, you know, black guys doing a marathon.

[C]

That's true. There are certain anomalies with different. Different skins and colors and blood types.

[E]

I will say I once was under anesthetic for my adult circumcision and it was the best day of my life.

[C]

How old were you during this circumcision?

[E]

I was 30 and I.

[C]

You were 30 years old? Three. Zero.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay. What. What happened there? Tell us about that.

[E]

You ever had the rope on a hoodie tied too tight?

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

Anyway, we had something like that sort of develop over the years. The doctors assured me it was not too much masturbating, but I have to think it was too much.

[G]

How many days did it take to heal the circumcision? Yes.

[E]

Ages, man. I had to wear a condom in public.

[C]

Really?

[E]

As a leathery exterior developed on the head of my hitherto unexposed penis. I like to lose the whole room right at the end of the show. That's what I'm all about doing. You've done so well up to this point, Tony.

[K]

I have a condom on my penis right now.

[E]

You do?

[K]

People do that? Redheaded people walk around, yeah.

[P]

Wow.

[C]

What kind of condom is it?

[K]

Ultra ribbed.

[A]

Wow.

[E]

Wow.

[K]

I could get at the gas station tonight.

[C]

Oh, my.

[G]

The age of your circumcision, huh? Circumcised at birth or 30?

[K]

At the.

[C]

birth. Oh, very good, William. What you got? Ultra ribbed condoms at the gas station?

[K]

Yeah, there's literally one on my dick right now.

[A]

Wow.

[K]

Kind of don't give a anymore, dude.

[C]

Jackson Nami would suck it right off

[A]

if you just stuck it through that curtain right now. I'm sure.

[K]

Yeah, I can't Believe he got a girl pregnant. What a stupid to let that cake.

[F]

Beautiful.

[I]

It's beautiful.

[K]

Get her ass pregnant.

[E]

That seems stupid.

[C]

Yeah.

[G]

What do you think he should name the AIDS baby? Isn't it solid?

[K]

Maybe Dan. Dan could be a good name.

[C]

William, what else did you get from the gas station?

[K]

Oh shit, Tony. I mean the Peanut Butter Snickers. You know I am eating those things non stop. I'm drinking.

[C]

How do you feel?

[K]

My A1C still fucked up. Tony.

[C]

You're what?

[K]

My A1C still fucked Up. I'm not doing good.

[C]

You're. What is a 1C? What is that?

[K]

It's something in my blood.

[H]

It's.

[K]

The numbers are messed up. So still nothing I'm doing is working.

[C]

Tony, are you going to a like a normal doctor?

[K]

It's a Chinese medicine place. They're the only people that take my insurance. He has this weird ass Chinese.

[C]

Why are you going to a Chinese medicine place?

[K]

It's the only place that takes my insurance rate.

[G]

And they jerk and they jerk you off.

[C]

Get bad news and. And a happy ending at the same time. What do they say your A1C is?

[A]

You have too much hemoglobin or whatever the.

[C]

Yes, thank you.

[A]

Redband. Our senior medical correspondent, Brian Redband.

[C]

It's a glucose issue.

[K]

What did you just call it?

[A]

Red.

[K]

I was just thinking that was like the stupidest mess that up.

[C]

Hemoglobin.

[K]

Hemoglobin. It's like, God, am I. I having a stroke right now? Am I really dying right now listening to this idiot?

[A]

I'm going to double right with you right now.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Our senior medical correspondent. Hemoglobin. Hemoglobin.

[A]

All right. It's funny because he looked it up and everything. It's just right there. It's written in big letters. You were so close. If only you could read.

[K]

It's hobgoblin. The hobgoblin.

[C]

It's Spider Man's arch nemesis.

[A]

The hemoglobin. Hemoglobin.

[J]

A1C.

[C]

Wow. What else did you get from the gas station, William?

[K]

I got some Twizzlers today.

[A]

Wow. What else, William?

[K]

Godzilla.

[C]

Gatorade.

[A]

Oh my God. What? What flavor?

[C]

Gatorade. Did you get?

[K]

Lemon ice. No, that's a fake name. I just get scared when you put me on the spot like this. I get scared.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's great. Yeah, that's what happens. That's why it's a hit part of the show. William, it ain't easy. It ain't easy. Improvising every week. What else did you get from the gas station? Don't look at James.

[J]

Don't.

[E]

Cheap sunglasses. Donut.

[K]

Okay, I'm sweating now. Tony. It's not.

[C]

It's okay.

[K]

Seriously.

[C]

You got sunglasses. Were they like, the athletic kind or normal? Or like, what kind of sunglasses? Like D. Madnesses or John D's, perhaps? Were they like Matt Mulings?

[K]

It looks like D. Madison's glasses are made out of this material that is zapping the bugs. It looks like his glasses could zap the bugs. D. Baddest. It looks just like it.

[C]

What else did you get from the gas station, William?

[K]

Lotto dickens.

[C]

Tony.

[K]

But it's so nice to be here. Tony.

[A]

William, we love you so much. You are the best. He's done it again. Thank you to Nick and prize picks. How about one more time for the great James McCann, everybody? Go to his YouTube, James Donald Forbes McCann and watch the new special Black Israelite on YouTube.

[C]

Anything else you want to say, James?

[E]

I got a new single out on Spotify. I got a new book of poems coming out. I'm doing five things badly. Wow.

[A]

Incredible. James McCann, we love you. Make some noise for Dave Landau, everybody. His book, Party of One, available now on Amazon. He's on tour. Davelandau.com it's all happening.

[C]

Thank you, Dave. Anything else?

[M]

That's it.

[G]

Thank you for having me. Check out my show, Normal World. Other than that, thank you all.

[A]

Davelandow.com the drawing from Ryan J E Belt is in. It's a perfect drawing of J, James and Dave.

[C]

Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there.

[A]

Oh, it's Timmy. No breaks, everybody. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? Red band. Check out my fake band, Cat Bread

[E]

7 on Spotify, iTunes and YouTube.

[A]

We love you guys. Tickets are on sale now for the Moody Center New Year's Eve. Everybody says they can't get tickets to a kil Tony. Now is everyone's appropriate official chance.

[C]

One of the largest tapings of the

[A]

show we've ever done and the largest ever in Austin, Texas, only on New Year's Eve this year. We love you guys. We'll see you there. Thank you. Good night, everybody.

[C]

The Sunset Strip Comedy club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

[Q]

Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

[A]

Sa.