#746 - ADAM RAY + IAN EDWARDS

Summary

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Kill Tony #746 – Adam Ray + Ian Edwards

Date: December 2, 2025
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX
Guests: Adam Ray, Ian Edwards
Podcast Theme: New and seasoned comics perform one minute of stand-up, followed by interviews and panel riffing with sharp comedy legends.

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Episode Overview

This high-energy Kill Tony episode delivers a night packed with wild characters, offbeat comedy, and candid revelations. Returning all-stars Adam Ray and Ian Edwards join Tony, Redban, and the crew in a parade of first-timers, veterans, and fan favorites—offering both encouragement and brutal honesty. The show blends raw standup with hilarious, sometimes roast-heavy interviews, exploring the comics' backgrounds, mishaps, and strangest life experiences.

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Key Segments, Performers & Highlights

1. Opening Energy & Guest Introductions

[02:04]

• Tony Hinchcliffe pumps up the audience, introducing Adam Ray and Ian Edwards.
• Shout-outs to the band and plugs for Adam Ray's theater tour and final Dr. Phil Live show.
• The hosts set the raucously supportive yet unforgiving tone: "Over 300 innocent souls signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this show." (Tony Hinchcliffe, 05:01)

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2. Martin Phillips – Comedy & Cerebral Palsy

[06:05] Performance | [07:16] Interview

• Opener and golden ticket winner Martin delivers offbeat jokes about gambling, schools, and his unique life perspective.
• Standout bits: advice from schoolgirls, Vegas misadventures, and poking fun at himself.
• Memorable quote:
  “If I am going to go gay, it will be with a cripple. That was my high school yearbook quote.” (Redban, 11:22)
• The panel riffs kindly on Martin’s shirt, his cerebral palsy, and attempts frequency healing with a “vibration” device live on stage.
  “With the right vibration, anything is possible!” (Tony Hinchcliffe, 14:08)
• Heartfelt and hilarious rapport, with riffs on fashion, dating, and positivity.

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3. John Chaney – Nervous Vet Stories

[18:15] Performance | [19:40] Interview

• A military veteran offers edgy jokes about his Pakistani ex-wife and raising "snack pack" kids.
• Discusses moving to Austin, painful divorce, and adjusting to civilian life.
• The interview explores his nerves, military mishaps, and childhood in court-ordered rehab.
• Memorable moment:
  “You are very nervous… You’re shaking more than the first guest.” (Ian Edwards, 20:56)
• Panel affectionately teases John for his nerves, weight, and life’s tough breaks.

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4. Michael Hines – Polyamorous Fat Marine

[25:43] Performance | [26:53] Interview

• Michael delivers rapid-fire jokes on being the "fat, gay clown," AI, open marriages, and abortion.
• Bombshell: he got rear-ended en route to the show, is former military, and struggles with weight from bad knees.
• Panel reenacts his romantic exploits and pokes fun at his “raw dogging” adventures and VR comedy.
• Notable exchange:
  “What’s it like getting raw dogged by Michael Hines here?”
  (Adam Ray, 33:12, setting up a hilarious sketch)

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5. Big Stu – Language Apps & Booty Calls

[38:02] Performance | [39:11] Interview

• Jokes about learning the wrong Spanish on Duolingo and the social perils it causes.
• Admits to inconsistent stand-up, weight loss, and motivation struggles.
• Demonstrates bizarre "kick-myself-in-the-head" trick, prompting Redban to fail spectacularly at copying him.
• Opens up about working at a flag shop, hooking up with black women, and awkward booty-call logistics.
• Memorable panel riff:
  “You look like Andrew Santino if he quit comedy to manage a Little Caesars.” (Redban, 44:23)

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6. Taylor Boss – From Addiction to Art

[52:31] Performance | [53:33] Interview

• Standup centers on fruit-by-the-foot and childhood addiction foreshadowing.
• Reveals years lost to drug addiction, time in a mental hospital, and career as a painter for Joe Rogan’s studio and others.
• The panel praises Taylor’s comedic voice, resilience, and artwork.
• Notable quote:
  “I just wanted to say, I lied. I never got banned from your show. I was on meds...” (Paulie Shore, 87:13, apologizing for past behavior)

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7. Mohamed Youall – Dark Skinned, Dark Humor

[58:22] Performance | [59:42] Interview

• Bold set involving the “n-word” in a joke about astronauts, spurring a YouTube-mandated bleeped segment.
• Reveals immigrant roots (Sudan → Egypt → Iowa → Austin), target-sample day job, and heartbreaking truth about having genital warts since age 10.
• Panel Roasts: Jokes on his skin tone (“First time I’ve ever been light-skinned in my life” – Ian Edwards, 60:40).
• Deep dive into his escape from war-torn Sudan, arranged marriage rumors, and struggles dating in America.

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8. Dedrick Flynn – Rags to Regular

[70:41] Performance | [72:10] Interview

• A regular’s triumph: candid tales of adjusting to Austin as a black comic, gratitude for Kill Tony, family anticipation as he returns to Atlanta’s Fox Theatre.
• Moving moment:
  “All I did was scream at the top of my lungs, ‘I got motherfucking regular, bitch!’” (Dedrick Flynn, 75:58)
• Heartwarming panel support for his journey from obscurity to touring opener for Joe Rogan and Ron White.

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9. Stevie Oneleg Wonder – True Grit & Prosthetics

[77:46] Performance | [78:46] Interview

• First-timer riffs on disability, then shares honest story of workplace accident and amputation.
• The panel mines one-legged jokes, engineering their own physical gags, and learns about prosthetic leg gadgets.
• Hilarious moment:
  “Can you kick yourself in the head?” (Ian Edwards, 80:53)
  • Stevie obliges with a prosthetic slap.

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10. Wildcard Appearances: Paulie Shore & Brian Holtzman

[86:13]

• Paulie delivers a public apology for past podcast drama.
• Holtzman launches an unfiltered rant about airports, disabilities, and travel.
• Panel chaos:
  “There should be a separate airline for rich retards and handicapped people that can't get on the fucking plane.” (Brian Holtzman, 89:10)

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11. Notable Bucket Pulls & Quick-Hitters

• Owen Galavin: Inbred Irish family jokes and failed cricket noise.
  “My family tree is just a wreath.” (Owen Galavin, 91:33)
• Sebastian Santa Maria: Absurd Shrek sex dream bit and oil field work.
• Kendall Jr.: Disabled comic with a heroin history.
  “I used to be a fat heroin addict because of it. Well, not because of it, but...” (Kendall Jr., 113:39)

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12. William Montgomery Closes – The Vanilla Gorilla Returns

[120:05]

• William delivers his trademark non sequiturs, fresh dad jokes, and post-Skankfest tales.
• Opens up about emotional struggles, recent viral set reception, and eBay obsession with oriental rugs.
• Classic roasts:
  “You think it probably has a bunch of purpley veins in the inside once you get through the hair on the inside. Because I've seen his ass naked many times.” (William Montgomery, 121:28, on Redban's bellybutton)

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Notable Quotes

• On Live Standup:
  “You gotta get ready to be ready.” (Tony Hinchcliffe, 77:00)
• On Diversity:
  “This is the first time I’ve ever been light-skinned in my life…and I appreciate it.” (Ian Edwards, 60:40)
• On Stand-Up Setbacks:
  “You don’t get better when you crush all the time.” (Redban, 125:37, encouraging William Montgomery after a viral bomb)

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Recurring Themes and Riffs

• Self-Deprecation and Resilience: The comics frequently roast themselves and each other, but always circle back to encouragement—especially for newcomers and those recovering from tough breaks or addictions.
• Physical Comedy & Unique Talents: From prosthetic leg tricks to live “frequency healing,” the show turns quirks into live spectacle.
• Edgy (sometimes cringe) Honesty: Open confessions about STDs, mental health, war trauma, and failed relationships form the backbone of many interview segments.
• Panel Playfulness: Adam Ray and Ian Edwards shine as supportive yet sharp, trading zingers and lighthearted roasts while welcoming even the most awkward comics with wit.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Intro/Guest Setups: 02:04 – 05:45
• Martin Phillips: 06:05 – 17:32
• John Chaney: 18:15 – 25:05
• Michael Hines: 25:43 – 37:41
• Big Stu: 38:02 – 51:53
• Taylor Boss: 52:31 – 57:50
• Mohamed Youall: 58:22 – 69:53
• Dedrick Flynn: 70:41 – 77:08
• Stevie Oneleg Wonder: 77:46 – 86:13
• Paulie Shore & Holtzman Segment: 86:13 – 91:09
• Rapid Comics (Owen, Sebastian, Brandon, Kendall): 91:33 – 119:06
• William Montgomery: 120:05 – End

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Episode Tone and Style

Fast-paced, irreverent, supportive, and sometimes uncomfortably honest. The panel riffs with warmth and a sharp comedic edge, always pushing for vulnerability and unpredictability.

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For New Listeners

Expect a wild blend of comedy, therapy, and spectacle: cringe, laugh, and even get inspired. This episode especially highlights comedy’s capacity to transform adversity—and to turn any odd life detail into a punchline.

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Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Redban and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhenchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever. Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Time. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[Brian Holtzman]

Get over Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? Brian R. Ladies and gen. And how about one more time for the best damn band in all the land. Raul the Vallejo. Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Matt Muling, John D. And that is D Madness on the bass guitar. This is Kill Tony, brought to you

[Adam Ray]

by Bluechew and Quo. You guys ready for a great night?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that

[Adam Ray]

made it all possible. You guys ready to start tonight's or what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here we go. This is it. Every single week I have two of the best guests on planet Earth. Two of the best comedians. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a special one. Both returning guests, One of them a returning guest of the year. A multi layer guest of the year hall of famer with another one of my favorite Comedy Store comics of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. You're here for a special episode. This is is Adam Ray and Ian Edwards. Adam Ray, live in the flesh. Ian Edwards, let's go. It's all happening, people. Ian Edwards new special untitled is now on YouTube under Ian Edwards standup. You must check it out. Ian is a legend Comedy Store super

[Adam Ray]

regular, and I mean him and I have been doing the thing goddamn forever. The old, the old and the new book. Well, the old bookers of the Comedy Store used to have us side by side all the time. 10, 15, 10 30, 10 45, 11, 9, 4, 5, 10. So we are brothers in this. Welcome back in. Make sure you check out his pleasure.

[Ian Edwards]

My pleasure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What can I say? This guy reminds me of Dr. Phil. He reminds me of Elaine. He reminds me of Jeremy. He reminds me of me, of me.

[Adam Ray]

Still got it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is the hall of fame guest of the year, Adam Ray. Absolute royalty around these parts.

[Adam Ray]

Indeed, perhaps not unarguably, one of the greatest guests of all time.

[Redban]

Love the show. Thanks for the intro. Got in today, shaved red bands, back an hour before the show and just fired up to be here. Man, what a night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is going down.

[Adam Ray]

The who is Me theater tour. Adam Ray's first giant theater tour. January through April, get [e-mail] and the final ever they say, even though I think I've heard this a couple times,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the last ever Dr. Phil Live is happening December 16th.

[Adam Ray]

That's a real way to do it. You're like Floyd Mayweather Jr. You're like,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

this is my last fight. Yeah, you're gonna have to get it. It's like that McRib. Yeah, yeah. The McRib's never coming back after this. You're gonna be putting on that bald cap for the rest of your life.

[Redban]

Dude, I'm probably gonna die.

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

Yeah.

[Redban]

This will be the last one for a bit until you call Colin.

[Adam Ray]

Until what?

[Redban]

Until you come calling. We'll do one more.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, absolutely. No doubt about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about one more time for Adam Ray and Ann Edwards, Two of the best guests to ever do it. And so they know how it works. Over 300 innocent souls signed up for

[Adam Ray]

the chance to get 60 seconds on this show. You know how it works. Their time is up. You hear the sound of a kitten,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

that means they have to wrap it up then.

[Adam Ray]

Or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood fair.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yes.

[Adam Ray]

How exciting. I'm going to let this gentleman with a drawn on hairline first. Name of the night.

[Redban]

I didn't want to say anything.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. This guy. So this guy's got a sharpie of a haircut. Welcome, sir.

[Michael Hines]

Hello.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He looks dangerous. He looks like he has a stabbable weapon in his pocket. It's going to be fun.

[Adam Ray]

While we go wrangle that first bucket pool, we have one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show here to start it off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from golden ticket winner Martin Phillips, everybody. And like that, the show has begun. This is Kill Tony brought to you by Bluechew and Quo.

[Martin Phillips]

What's up? Okay, cool. I was in. I was in Vegas. When people play poker, everyone has their tell. My tell is when I accidentally drop on my car and go, don't look. Nobody look. Time out.

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

Okay.

[Martin Phillips]

Come on, get me. And they as I brought my own gun to the roulette table, you know, really, really needed to be 21.

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

Okay.

[Martin Phillips]

When I used to work in their little school, I would get a lot of advice from their little school girls. And one of them told me, she said, if you like someone, you should find out where they live and let them know. And I said, martha, I'm not doing that again. I can't go back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Martin Phillips getting us started with a band. Is that true, Martin?

[Adam Ray]

Do you play poker sometimes?

[Martin Phillips]

No, I saw.

[Mohamed Youall]

No.

[Paulie Shore]

Oh, okay.

[Martin Phillips]

We went to the Inks. I had no idea what the fuck out for, still.

[Mohamed Youall]

And I was.

[Martin Phillips]

I was just feeling chips down, like, let's see what happens. They don't have rules on the table.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Okay.

[Martin Phillips]

Just for dumb people. Okay.

[Adam Ray]

Ian Edwards.

[Ian Edwards]

Yeah. I would love to play poker with you. I don't even play, but this will be the first time I win.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ian Edwards]

Beginner's luck.

[Redban]

Have you played craps before?

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, of course, baby.

[Redban]

I know the answer to that. I just wanted to see him do that.

[Big Stu]

Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Killing it. What's your favorite game in Vegas? What do you tend to do when you're there?

[Martin Phillips]

Slots.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, yeah, that's.

[Martin Phillips]

What's that supposed.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is that supposed to mean?

[Adam Ray]

Martin, is that true about the. What? What is the. What's the what? Did you do the middle school thing?

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, yeah, yeah. There's. Every day she would ask me, oh, Mr. Phillips, do you have a girlfriend yet? I was always like, shut the fuck up. That's none of your business. And get this, her boyfriend. She said she had a boyfriend, but he went to a different school. Yeah, I was like, bitch, I heard that before you made that shit up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So how's your current love life going?

[Adam Ray]

You're a big superstar now. I mean, you're easily recognizable from your face and your walk.

[Martin Phillips]

I'm a distinct figure, you know?

[Adam Ray]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

It's hard to hide, you know?

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah.

[Big Stu]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

You have a lot of fan girls coming up to you.

[Martin Phillips]

Not too many. Nothing. Nothing crazy. Yeah, but it's there for the. It's there for the ones you want, you know?

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

You know?

[Redban]

Can you describe what those look like? Yeah, just for there.

[Martin Phillips]

I think you can imagine. Okay, okay, I didn't say that. Come on.

[Adam Ray]

But I mean, you must get lucky sometimes, right?

[Martin Phillips]

Once in the blue, you know? You know I'm low key, baby. Okay, keep it. Keep it out in the DL, dude, I don't want. Mommy's still out there, you know, let's chill, you know,

[Adam Ray]

I love it, but where do you get a shirt like that from? Where exactly do you get a shirt?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If I stare at that. Yeah, bring out the shirt. If I stare at that long enough,

[Adam Ray]

will I see a sailboat or something? Like, what exactly is going on there?

[Redban]

It's got principal on a safari vibes. But it's nice, it fits.

[Martin Phillips]

It's a cool shirt.

[Ian Edwards]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Literally, though, I genuinely know.

[Martin Phillips]

I do. Every few months, I do this thing called a stitch fix where they send me clothes and I go. I have my own stylist. They send me clothes. I go through and I go, oh, this is nice. Oh, I'm 80. And that's. That's my secret.

[Redban]

You're doing a commercial for stitch fix?

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Taylor Boss]

Yeah.

[Redban]

Promo code.

[Paulie Shore]

Keep it on the DL.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

People have been asking for you to do me, so.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah.

[Redban]

Or just. Are you talking outside? People want me to wait. What do you mean by that? I got to read the comments.

[Martin Phillips]

You read in between the lines.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Okay.

[Redban]

Well, if I am going to go gay, it will be with a cripple. That was my high school yearbook quote.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow. Sick.

[Adam Ray]

Anything else crazy happening in life nowadays, Martin?

[Martin Phillips]

You know, fuck you guys, okay?

[Adam Ray]

I didn't talk to him.

[Martin Phillips]

I didn't fucking say anything. I'm thinking, okay? I have to think. Let him think out loud.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's the noise when he's processing. He's like. He's like, old Internet dial up.

[Redban]

You said you didn't do impression.

[Adam Ray]

Come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's the only one I do.

[Adam Ray]

I know how to do.

[Ian Edwards]

Somebody just did you?

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

So what else is going on, Martin?

[Martin Phillips]

I don't know. I'm always, always somewhere traveling. I'm all over at the place. Come see me. And you're near Salina?

[Adam Ray]

Hell, yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Come check it out.

[Adam Ray]

You're a superstar.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Martin Phillips]

You know, I did. I don't know the health is gonna work, but I ate sand. Multiple videos by people.

[Adam Ray]

You ate sand at multiple theaters?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

By people. Why would you eat sand at theaters by people?

[Martin Phillips]

You knew what I said.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I don't. I really don't. Can you repeat it? Okay, Okay.

[Martin Phillips]

I get sent, yes, multiple videos from people. And sometimes it's like another crippled guy that looks like me, but sometimes I get this. This has been sent more than once. It's like frequency healing where you have, like, a frequency thing, and if you put it to me, I just shake all the way out. And so

[Redban]

I bought you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Oh, shit.

[Adam Ray]

Time for the frequency thing. And Martin Phillips, he can't get it

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

out of the bag.

[Adam Ray]

So, okay, we hit this, huh?

[Martin Phillips]

And barely put it to me. You know, shake everything out and I am, you know, super Superman.

[Redban]

Can we do it while still elapsed?

[Martin Phillips]

Heal me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's heal Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen, with the right vibration, anything is possible. Here goes Adam Ray, our very always active Panelist.

[Ian Edwards]

It's not gonna. It's not gonna give it to us, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ian Edwards,

[Ian Edwards]

just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just before, let's.

[Ian Edwards]

I don't want all of us leaving here.

[Martin Phillips]

You don't know if the frequency waves are gonna go. You know, I have no idea how it works, but what I've seen

[Adam Ray]

that way. Okay, hold on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Say, put it up to the microphone.

[Adam Ray]

Put it up. Put it up to the microphone, Adam. Here we go. Oh, he looks calm.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. He stopped shaking.

[Adam Ray]

Whoa. Oh,

[Michael Hines]

Wow.

[Martin Phillips]

Is it working?

[Adam Ray]

Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You seem still.

[Adam Ray]

No more eating sand outside of theaters for you.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay, do it and then dodge me with it.

[Redban]

Yeah, I thought you'd never ask. You feel better?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think.

[Martin Phillips]

I don't know. This is quite the science experiment.

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is great.

[Redban]

I was told I wouldn't be doing this on tonight's episode.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's the.

[Martin Phillips]

That's a good start.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a good start.

[Martin Phillips]

We'll keep doing it.

[Adam Ray]

Make sure you put the little fancy cover back on it, or else it might get damaged or something. We have to keep that tuner in tip top shape.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's very important.

[Ian Edwards]

How's everybody feel?

[Redban]

Hell, yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Normal.

[Taylor Boss]

All right.

[Martin Phillips]

How do you feel, you feel.

[Ian Edwards]

I feel like if you just take off your glasses, you'll be straight. You're like the most handsome cerebral palsy person I ever met.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He really is.

[Ian Edwards]

I've never asked a. A handicapped person for their skin regimen before.

[Martin Phillips]

A natural baby.

[Adam Ray]

I don't know. I don't know if we've ever.

[Martin Phillips]

It went both ways, but we forgot the skin part, so I don't know

[Adam Ray]

if we've ever seen you take your glasses off. Can you look out there and take your glass off real quick, by the way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, a little disclaimer incoming here.

[Martin Phillips]

I was gonna say these are new glasses. Oh, these are my liberal cuck glasses.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Okay. Wow. Wow. My God.

[Adam Ray]

Unbelievable getting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Martin, you've done it again.

[Adam Ray]

You got the show started for us.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's not easy opening this show. And you did it yet again, one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show, Martin Phillips. And now, ladies and gentlemen, this is where things get interesting as we make the switch over to the big bucket of destiny here. Some of these people are completely insane. Some of them are the next greatest talent in all of comedy. Waiting to be decided, discovered. Some people sign up once they get up. Some people have been signing up for months and months with no luck. Anything can happen. You're watching it all live. Your first bucket pool of the night is John Chaney with an uninterrupted minute. John Chaney, here we go.

[John Chaney]

In 2004, I married a Pakistani woman when I was in the military. They said, keep your friends close and enemies closer. Can't get any closer inside of them. That didn't pay off in Iraq. So much. Let's see what else we want to talk about tonight. I'm nervous as hell. Y' all did bet on this last time a few years ago. I know you're not supposed to talk bad about your ex, but let's just put it this way. My ex, she was a cross breed of dogs. She'd be a mix of a dachshund and a pit bull. Nobody, nobody. A wiener pit. Nobody, nobody got that? Okay. Speaking of kids, I got three of them when my oldest was four. Long time ago. He's in college now, but for Halloween I dressed him up as a suicide bomber. Because what's scarier knocking on your door the 15th Spider man of the evening or a four year old Pakistani kid in a man dress and a suicide vest? That instead of saying trick or treats, yelling, a la snack bar,

[Adam Ray]

A la.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A la snack bar there at the end. From John Chaney. It's a good punchline.

[Adam Ray]

You have three kids, John.

[John Chaney]

Yes, I do.

[Adam Ray]

And it appears as though you have triplets on the way as well.

[John Chaney]

At least.

[Martin Phillips]

I love it.

[Adam Ray]

You were on this show a few years ago, you said. Yeah, it didn't go good.

[John Chaney]

Well, the interview went well.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, big joke.

[Adam Ray]

What do we talk about in the interview? Your Pakistani ex wife?

[William Montgomery]

No, not.

[John Chaney]

I would look. Little bit. But.

[Adam Ray]

Are you still with her?

[John Chaney]

No.

[Adam Ray]

Okay. That didn't last long. How long did that last?

[John Chaney]

12 years. 12 painful years.

[Adam Ray]

Okay.

[John Chaney]

But no, we talked about me seeing a. Watching a guy, a goat. That's. That was the highlight of it.

[Adam Ray]

Saw a guy, a goat.

[John Chaney]

Yeah. In Iraq.

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, okay. The bad guy. Well, the bad guy's. It wasn't an American soldier. No, Right.

[John Chaney]

I hope not.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, that'd be weird. So what's been going on since then, John? How old are you?

[John Chaney]

I am 43.

[Adam Ray]

How long you been doing stand up?

[John Chaney]

This is like my fourth or fifth time.

[Adam Ray]

Fourth or fifth time ever on stage?

[Ian Edwards]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

And you were on years ago.

[John Chaney]

A few years ago, yeah. I was living in Northwest Tennessee in the middle of nowhere. I just spent the last two years trying to sell my house so I can move here.

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

Okay.

[John Chaney]

I had to go to court to get permission to move my daughter with me.

[Adam Ray]

Okay.

[John Chaney]

Made it happen. And moved here this past Saturday.

[Adam Ray]

Congratulations.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at you, John Chaney move to Austin.

[Adam Ray]

All right, John.

[Ian Edwards]

Hell, yeah, Ian, I think you're funny. You're just nervous as shit. You're shaking more than the first guest.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it is true. It is true.

[John Chaney]

That's bad. That's. That's bad.

[Adam Ray]

You are very nervous, right?

[John Chaney]

Very nervous.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

You watch the show regularly?

[John Chaney]

Yes.

[Adam Ray]

And you're in it right now?

[John Chaney]

Of course.

[Adam Ray]

So now you're in the interview portion.

[John Chaney]

Right.

[Adam Ray]

What do you think you didn't tell us last time you were on that we would find interesting in the interview portion this time? You've had years to think about it. Yeah.

[John Chaney]

Let's see. I don't know if they'll find it interesting, but I spent.

[Adam Ray]

Talk right into the tip of that.

[John Chaney]

I spent some time in. Where you're from? Youngstown.

[Adam Ray]

What were you doing in Youngstown?

[John Chaney]

You know, the Lincoln Place?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[John Chaney]

Yep. Was there for a while.

[Adam Ray]

What were you doing at Lincoln Place?

[John Chaney]

Just got put in there by the court.

[Adam Ray]

Wait, what is Lincoln Place?

[John Chaney]

That was. That.

[Adam Ray]

It was like a shopping mall, but now.

[Kendall Jr.]

No, no, no.

[John Chaney]

It was a rehabilitation center for. For kids. Teens.

[Adam Ray]

Well, why were you put there?

[John Chaney]

The courts put me there.

[Adam Ray]

They put you in a rehabilitation center for teens?

[John Chaney]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So when you were a teen, this happened?

[John Chaney]

Yeah, I was 17 at the time.

[Adam Ray]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Adam Ray]

I'm like, what have you done in

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the last few years, John? You've had time to. Well, I got sent to a teen rehabilitation center.

[John Chaney]

That'd be fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I bet it would be. You creepazoid. Look at this guy.

[John Chaney]

Kill them kids.

[Redban]

You sure you weren't the guy who. The goat?

[Dedrick Flynn]

Not that night.

[Redban]

Not that night. You said you're 43, right? Yes, I'm 43.

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

Okay.

[Redban]

You look like my dad.

[Brian Holtzman]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Redban]

What?

[John Chaney]

Two trips to Iraq will do that to you?

[Redban]

Yeah, for sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. So.

[Redban]

Yeah, just. Life is weathered. Weathered.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You down?

[John Chaney]

Yeah. Got three kids.

[Taylor Boss]

Bad.

[Brian Holtzman]

Bad marriage.

[John Chaney]

Yeah.

[Ian Edwards]

Dude.

[John Chaney]

Destroy.

[Redban]

You three?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Hell, yeah. You're like Bert Kreischer if he was called the sleep apnea machine.

[John Chaney]

That checks out. Definitely checks out.

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

That was.

[Redban]

That was funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You look like.

[Martin Phillips]

He look.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You look like Bird of. All of his potatoes were fully loaded.

[Adam Ray]

All right, John, what are you doing for work nowadays?

[John Chaney]

Retired military.

[Adam Ray]

Retired military. And tell us, what else did you see in Iraq? Tell us what it's like being an American hero. And by that I mean the sandwich.

[John Chaney]

Not. Not here. It's boring most of the time, yeah. Most. It's not action every day, so.

[Adam Ray]

Right. What exactly did you do in the

[John Chaney]

military I was artillery.

[Adam Ray]

Okay. You ever shoot anybody?

[John Chaney]

Well, I mean, we shoot bad people. It's artillery kind of shooting the general direction and trying to take out, like,

[Adam Ray]

trying to talk to me like I'm an asshole.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what'd you do, miss? Shot at people? I sucked.

[Paulie Shore]

We are.

[John Chaney]

We don't choose where we shoot. They tell us where to shoot, and we just shoot that general direction.

[Ian Edwards]

Were you shaking like this when you was shooting?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, sometimes.

[Ian Edwards]

No wonder the war took this long. You missed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah,

[John Chaney]

I was. We talked about it last time. I was a drill sergeant also.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, okay.

[John Chaney]

I wasn't always like this. I look like I ate myself.

[Adam Ray]

It's a good point. You do look like you ate yourself. John, are your kids big too? Normal?

[John Chaney]

Not at all.

[Adam Ray]

Healthy kids?

[John Chaney]

Very, very much so. All straight A students. Nerds.

[Adam Ray]

It's weird.

[John Chaney]

I don't know where what's.

[Adam Ray]

So did they seem Pakistani?

[John Chaney]

My oldest does. The other two, not so much. My daughter tans really well, though.

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

Wow.

[Adam Ray]

All right, so they're 50.

[Redban]

You see how everybody was trying to decide how they felt about that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're 50. 50.

[Adam Ray]

You and Pakistani. So that makes them snack packs. Am I correct?

[Brian Holtzman]

Sure.

[Adam Ray]

All right, John. Well, fun times. Welcome back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're getting there. You got a little joke book last

[Adam Ray]

time, I'm guessing missing, right?

[John Chaney]

Big.

[Adam Ray]

You got a big one.

[John Chaney]

Yep.

[Adam Ray]

Well, this time before Christmas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This time you're getting a medium one. I was in the giving mode last time.

[Adam Ray]

John. John Chaney.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. This guy was fighting for our country

[Redban]

overseas many years ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. There he goes. How about a hand for John Chaney? Just moved here this week. That's what I'm talking about. Some of these people sign up for a year straight. They don't get on. Oh, my God. There she is, the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Her show Love on the Line, is@Heidy. Regina.com, your second bucket pool is ready. This looks like a new name. Let's see if it is. Make some noise for Michael Hines, everyone. We're gonna meet Michael all together.

[Michael Hines]

I want to be the strong, silent type like John Wayne, but I'm really more of a fat, gay clown like John Wayne Gacy. I'm polyamorous, just not by choice. Every girl I fuck is banging someone else. The two things taking jobs in this country are AI and hola. I think marriage is a lot like hitting women. If you think you would never do it, you probably just haven't met the right girl. My opinion on abortion is you probably shouldn't. Unless it's mine because I'm just really

[Paulie Shore]

not ready to be a dad yet.

[Michael Hines]

So, you know, same as every guy. Do you guys know why Jesus is in such good shape? Is the original crossfitter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A lot of quick jokes. There he goes. Michael Hines,

[Adam Ray]

you've been on this show before?

[Michael Hines]

Yes, sir.

[Adam Ray]

Welcome back, Michael.

[Michael Hines]

Thank you very much.

[Adam Ray]

How did that feel compared to last time?

[Michael Hines]

Last time went pretty well too, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're doing good, Michael.

[Michael Hines]

Thank you.

[Adam Ray]

Hell yeah. Remind us how long you've been doing stand up?

[Michael Hines]

Just over two and a half years.

[Adam Ray]

Two and a half years. What do you do for work?

[Michael Hines]

I'm a realtor's assistant. Open houses and stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Michael Hines]

Put on a nice shirt.

[Adam Ray]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Adam Ray, you look like you're gonna

[Redban]

shoot up a bass pro shop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Does that is exactly what he looks like.

[William Montgomery]

So.

[Michael Hines]

I think I have a concussion right now.

[Adam Ray]

Why? How'd you get a concussion?

[Michael Hines]

On the way over to sign up for Kill Tony on Frontage Road, I got rear ended by a guy going like 50 miles an hour.

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

Whoa.

[Adam Ray]

I also got rear ended by a guy today. Okay, did. What ethnicity was the guy that hit you?

[Michael Hines]

Take a guess, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I'm going to let you just say it.

[Redban]

Welcome back to America's most racist game show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I. Take a guess, Tony. Yeah. No way. I just ask the great questions and that leads to leaves you with the

[Adam Ray]

responsibility to be the racist.

[Michael Hines]

Hey, man, that's not my fault. If anything, it's on that guy. He's not doing a good job.

[Adam Ray]

I'm gonna ask you again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What ethnicity was the guy that hit you? Michael, the world wants to know.

[Michael Hines]

He was white. No, I'm not. I'm staying out of this one. He was. No, let's we all.

[William Montgomery]

Michael.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Answer the question, you idiot.

[Michael Hines]

Mexican, Tony.

[Adam Ray]

There you go.

[Michael Hines]

We know this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I didn't know that, Michael. It could have been Asian too. Let me ask you this.

[Adam Ray]

He wanted to run, okay?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did the

[Redban]

wow, wow, where's Martin's tranquilizer thing?

[Ian Edwards]

Or

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

did he run, he rear ended

[Adam Ray]

you and then took off?

[Michael Hines]

Well, he apologized first and then he got out of there.

[Adam Ray]

He got out of his car, apologized,

[Michael Hines]

pulled his window down. I got out of my car and he said, my bad, bro, and whipped out of there.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Adam Ray]

Damn. Was your car damaged?

[Michael Hines]

Yeah, it's damaged. He's going 50 miles an hour.

[Adam Ray]

How do you know it was exactly 50? You keep saying 50.

[Michael Hines]

Well, I think he was going faster than the speed limit and the speed limit's 40, so guess. God damn.

[Adam Ray]

Ian Edwards.

[Ian Edwards]

I think the guys here just didn't want to miss Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah,

[Adam Ray]

yeah, he may have signed up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, we're gonna find out later. He's gonna be like, yeah, I rear

[Adam Ray]

ended a guy, I had to get here. It's been a crazy day. I rear ended some ass nerd before I got here. Ah, interesting. Interesting. What, what kind of car was he driving? Red band wants to know.

[Michael Hines]

Some silver, shitty 19, some 1990 something. I don't know. I don't know cars, Tony. Do I sound like I know cars to you?

[Redban]

I don't know, you just rain man guess the miles per hour three times. I think you have some idea.

[Michael Hines]

Fair enough.

[Redban]

Your jokes are really funny.

[Michael Hines]

Thank you.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, very funny. Michael, what else is going on in life? Tell us more about your private personal life. We want to know.

[Michael Hines]

You know, I just been trying to lose weight, Tony. I'm a pretty big fat pig right now.

[Adam Ray]

Well, again, compared to the last guy, you're a fucking.

[Michael Hines]

Well, I don't want to be compared to the last guy, Tony.

[Adam Ray]

Okay, Michael, how have you been trying to lose weight?

[Michael Hines]

Just working out and stuff, but my knees are pretty shot from the Marine Corps, so I can't. I used to like run and do hard, but now I'm a big and my knees hurt.

[Adam Ray]

So you were in the Marine Corps?

[Michael Hines]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's up with all these fat veterans coming in today?

[Adam Ray]

Jesus Christ.

[Ian Edwards]

Did you a goat?

[Michael Hines]

A goat? No, I just fucked ugly girls domestically. I didn't go abroad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's doing it. Michael Hines, tell us about your time in the military.

[Adam Ray]

What'd you do over there?

[Ian Edwards]

Thank you for your service.

[Michael Hines]

It was a tremendous waste of time. Right after boot camp the pandemic happened, so I ended up spending. I went on to my next training schools. There was a six week water survival school and I was there for 14 months because the base was just shut down because the command was a bunch of gay liberals. They hated Ron Desantis, so they were like, if you leave the base, you're gonna get sick. And we just weren't allowed to train for 14. We did a lot of cleaning running the beach. It was kind of nice, but a big waste of time.

[Ian Edwards]

Wow, is that how you hurt your knees?

[Michael Hines]

Yeah, log runs and crawling up hills and other that we didn't need to do. Yeah, it did kind of me up.

[Redban]

Well, we were trying to get you guys shrunk, but you kept eating all the gushers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Joe Biden.

[Adam Ray]

That's right.

[Redban]

This guy was 95 pounds before he got out of the military.

[Adam Ray]

Running on the sandy beaches of Florida. What an unbelievable hero you are, Michael.

[Michael Hines]

Thank you, guys. I appreciate it.

[Adam Ray]

Tell us about your real personal life before we get you out of here. What's your love life like right now, Michael? You seem like a real creep.

[Michael Hines]

I got laid like three weeks ago. Girls don't really like me for more than a day or two, so it's more of a one and done kind of deal.

[Adam Ray]

Okay.

[Michael Hines]

And they're not that good looking either, so I'm not bragging.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Michael Hines]

It's just what it is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome to another episode of the Girls I Hook Up With Aren't Good Looking starring everyone.

[Adam Ray]

So this girl three weeks ago, where'd you meet her at?

[Michael Hines]

At a show at the Nar Bar Comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Adam Ray]

Okay, so what exactly happened? She came up to you after your set?

[Michael Hines]

Yeah, she was a. You know, she was actually not that bad looking as far as for me goes. She probably could have. She probably could have lose 10 pounds, but who's talking? She was a beautiful Latina Tony down by the border. And I raw dogged her.

[Adam Ray]

Okay.

[Michael Hines]

It was pretty cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Adam Ray]

Where did this take place? At your. You took her back to your place?

[Michael Hines]

Oh, hell yeah, Tony. I don't got no roommates.

[Adam Ray]

And then so what happens? You walk her in? What do you do? Do you offer her a drink or something? Take us through the exact order of events at your home. What's it like getting raw dogged by Michael Hines here?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm getting. I'm getting word that the world wants to know.

[Redban]

Can I be the girl?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Paulie Shore]

All right, so let's set the scene.

[Redban]

I'm the girl. Give me some romantic music, guys.

[Paulie Shore]

Wow, Michael, this is such a cool, I guess apartment. Is that what you call it?

[Michael Hines]

Yes, I do.

[Paulie Shore]

What?

[Michael Hines]

Yes, I do call it an apartment.

[Mohamed Youall]

Oh,

[Michael Hines]

remember earlier at the restaurant when you said you can't eat your food all the way if I'm gonna you because you don't want to fart.

[Paulie Shore]

I do remember saying, by the way. By the way you crushed at the Nar Bar comedy show.

[Michael Hines]

Thank you. I appreciate it. I'm gonna finish that burger and then I'm gonna plow you.

[Paulie Shore]

Okay, but don't. Don't record me like you did the whole Uber ride over here.

[Michael Hines]

Well, you gave me your consent on camera, so we're good with that, you know?

[Paulie Shore]

Yeah, but only after you gave me

[Redban]

that pill,

[Paulie Shore]

which was my plan B that I dropped. So it's on me.

[Michael Hines]

Perfect. Yeah.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Which.

[Paulie Shore]

Where do you want to go, by the way? Like, do you have a bedroom or Just this futon.

[Michael Hines]

Well, I do have a bedroom with a mattress on the floor.

[Paulie Shore]

What a weird way to say you have a bed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The girl acknowledges the unframed posters on the wall.

[William Montgomery]

Oh, my God.

[Paulie Shore]

I didn't know there was a Goonies too. Where the fuck did you get that? You must mean business.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He tries to distract her from the Goonies 2 poster girl.

[Michael Hines]

Let's get real loud and wake up my downstairs neighbor. See the.

[Adam Ray]

Wait.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Paulie Shore]

I don't like that type of language unless you're me.

[Michael Hines]

Actually, you do.

[Paulie Shore]

Oh, okay. Am I practical jokers right now? So you said you had something to drink. What sort of beverages are in your fridge, Mike?

[Michael Hines]

Hill Country Farm Diet root beer?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Someone's trying to lose ten pounds.

[Paulie Shore]

Oh, that's just my favorite type of Hillcrest soda.

[Michael Hines]

It's a guilty pleasure.

[Paulie Shore]

You're a guilty pleasure. Can I ask you a personal question, Mike?

[Michael Hines]

Okay.

[Paulie Shore]

Do you have any condoms?

[John Chaney]

No.

[Paulie Shore]

I knew that.

[Michael Hines]

I knew that.

[Paulie Shore]

By the poster next to the Goonies poster that says, I raw dog everything. So I guess I'll take my pants off.

[Michael Hines]

You better.

[Redban]

Whoa.

[Martin Phillips]

Jesus.

[Michael Hines]

But in a loving and affectionate way. After consent.

[Adam Ray]

Very good.

[Michael Hines]

Cover your bases.

[Adam Ray]

Good job, Michael.

[Paulie Shore]

Boy, I guess I'll lay down because it looks like your knees are in pretty bad shape.

[Michael Hines]

Yeah, you bet. You're gonna have to get on top and do most of this, to be honest, because a lot of me's in really bad shape.

[Paulie Shore]

I hope my FUPA doesn't bother you.

[Michael Hines]

I'm a lick that fupa, girl. Bring it over.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. All right. This is out of control. This party is crazy.

[Michael Hines]

I don't know how.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you say after you finish?

[Michael Hines]

Thank you.

[William Montgomery]

Wow. Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Hines. Only on Netflix can you see something like, Michael Hines raw Dog. A Latina fan from Narar.

[Paulie Shore]

Do you mind if my black friend watches?

[Michael Hines]

Girl, I thought we both knew he was.

[Ian Edwards]

I left halfway through. It's the worst porn I ever heard in my life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So did you ever spend the night

[Adam Ray]

or did she leave that night?

[Michael Hines]

I Ubered her out of there, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Michael Uber X.

[Michael Hines]

No, I don't know. I can't afford that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The cheapest one sucks.

[Adam Ray]

Very good.

[Michael Hines]

Yeah, I guess so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You gave her a lift?

[Michael Hines]

Yeah, I got her out of there, Tony. It was over.

[Adam Ray]

All right, Michael, you got a big joke book last time you were on, sir. You still have it?

[Michael Hines]

I do, but it's full, though.

[Brandon Ferris]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Is it really filled?

[Michael Hines]

It's full.

[Adam Ray]

All right. Then you get a new one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go, wow. Still not a cock joke book tonight. How exciting is that?

[Redban]

Good job, dude.

[Michael Hines]

Thank you, Jonas.

[Adam Ray]

All right, ladies and gentlemen, your third

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

bucket pull of the night. Goes by the name of Big Stu. Everybody, it's time for a minute from Big Stu.

[Big Stu]

Oh, what it do? Comedy Mothership. My name is Big Stu. I. I've been using this Duolingo app, right? Trying to communicate better with my co

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

workers,

[Big Stu]

and I just found out they don't even teach you the correct type of Spanish. They teach you Spanish from, like, Spain. So if you use that app and you go to Central America or South America, you're gonna sound like a fucking dork. And they're not gonna tell you either. It's gonna be like, all, como esta ustadas? And they're just gonna be like, bien. But in parentheses, they're gonna be like, this guy's a piece of shit. But that begs the question that if a Mexican dude learned English on Duolingo, would he come to America all like, oh, it's Tuesday, isn't it? My name's Big Stu. What'd it do?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. Filling in the last five seconds of time there perfectly with a catchphrase that nobody needed.

[Adam Ray]

Big Stu, is this your first time on the show?

[Big Stu]

I did this show in 2019.

[Adam Ray]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Adam Ray]

So how long you been on stand up Total?

[Big Stu]

Total. Oh, man. Maybe a year and a half.

[Adam Ray]

Well, that was six years ago, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

How could you be doing about all

[Big Stu]

of them if you add them all together? Because I would do it for a couple of months, quit for a couple of years.

[Adam Ray]

Why do you quit for a couple of years every couple months?

[Big Stu]

It's just hard to stay motivated in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, is that where you still live?

[Big Stu]

No, I moved here a while ago.

[Adam Ray]

How long's a while ago?

[Big Stu]

Almost two years.

[Adam Ray]

Almost two years ago. So you've been doing it a year and a half, but you were on in 2019, and you moved here two years ago because it's hard to do in Tulsa, Oklahoma. But you've only been doing it a year and a half.

[Big Stu]

I mean, all together.

[Adam Ray]

Like you keep saying all together. But, I mean, if you count, I

[Big Stu]

did it for a couple months in 2015. A couple months in 2019? 19. And I've been going consistent since March of this year.

[Adam Ray]

Okay. All right. Why do you think you lose motivation so often, Big Stu, by the way, you have Big in your name, and you're the smallest guy that's been on the show tonight, just to let you know.

[Big Stu]

Well, I. I was like 40 pounds heavier in January.

[Adam Ray]

Okay. How'd you lose the weight? The last four comedians want to know. And Red Band Diet and exercise. Diet and exercise. Have you tried Hill Country Diet? Root beer?

[Big Stu]

No, I haven't. No, I will.

[Adam Ray]

So Big Stew, what got you motivated? What gets you motivated? You're clearly easily unmotivated. How do you stay motivated?

[Big Stu]

Moved to Austin. That helped.

[Adam Ray]

Uh huh. Other than that. Other than that, now that you're here,

[Big Stu]

sometimes I'll take acid and get really motivated to do shit.

[Adam Ray]

Okay, Big Stew, what do you do for a living?

[Big Stu]

Right now I work at a place called Build a Sign.

[Adam Ray]

What is that?

[Big Stu]

I make flags and tablecloths.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, okay. What kind of flags are you making a lot of Trans flags mostly.

[Big Stu]

A lot of businesses. People buy, you know, for their business.

[Adam Ray]

Have you made a trans flag?

[Big Stu]

I've made a few.

[Adam Ray]

Look at that. See, they make flags over there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Looking this whole time.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, I've been. I've been looking for one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can't find one anywhere.

[Adam Ray]

Okay, big stuff, give us some fun facts about your life. Do you have any special skills or talents that might surprise us?

[Big Stu]

I can kick myself in the head.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, absolutely. Put the mic in the mic stand. We definitely need to see this. It's starting to all make sense. Ladies and gentlemen, that is how you end up on. Oh, my God. Oh my God, it counts. That is not how I expected that to go. That was a true sidekick. To the head, to the direct. To the forehead. Yeah, I kind of thought your foot was gonna go up high, but no, you leaned your head down and kind of just side kicked yourself. I think we could all do that, by the way. Just none of us would ever. How many you want to see, Red Band? Try that right now. Come on. Right there. You can do it. He's here to make Kill Tony history right now. We once saw him try to suck his own dick.

[Big Stu]

Oh, he's using his hand.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, oh, Red band. Red band. Coming about 3 and 12ft away from his head on the first try. The physical limitations are incredible. We're getting old, buddy. We're getting old. He's like, I could do that. I heard three discs pop out of his spinal cords.

[Redban]

That was like watching your kid jump off the high dive and just flailing to the bottom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God, your belly hurts now. Oh my God, my belly button. He pulled his belly button. Ladies and gentlemen, not everybody can be the physical anomaly that Big Stew is. Over here. Guy's been kicking himself in his.

[Adam Ray]

How long you been kicking yourself in

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the Head for Big Stew. We're learning a lot about how you

[Big Stu]

ended up like this as long as I can remember.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Like, the family has.

[Paulie Shore]

You do it.

[Adam Ray]

Hey, Big Stu, show them your trick.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Adam Ray]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a big thing in Tulsa, Oklahoma. You could have been mayor with a trick like that. Yeah, yeah.

[Redban]

What's the biggest crowd? You've done that for this one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. Before that.

[Martin Phillips]

How about.

[Adam Ray]

How about before this? You know what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm not gonna make you think that hard about it.

[Big Stu]

What do you do?

[Adam Ray]

Did I ask you what you do for work?

[Big Stu]

Yeah. Yeah. I make flags, and.

[Adam Ray]

That's right. You make flags. What's the craziest flag or sign you've ever had to make in which you're like, God damn, we really have to do this?

[Big Stu]

Somebody had a flag. It was like Super Mario Brothers, but it said something about ketamine.

[Adam Ray]

Very good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very quick on those, Mario.

[Adam Ray]

You got that Mario board figured out.

[Redban]

You kind of look like Andrew Santino if he quit comedy to manage a Little Caesars.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, it is true.

[Big Stu]

Yeah.

[Redban]

Do you ever get that? Like, did you. Who do you get? Like, with the beard and stuff? Like, you get. You have, like, a 90s movie character look, right? You don't get that? Like, you worked at a video store or something?

[Big Stu]

No, I don't think so. I don't. I don't know a lot of that.

[Adam Ray]

All right.

[Redban]

Porn.

[Big Stu]

Porn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ian Edwards]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

What's your love life like? I gotta know. You seem like the kind of guy that would make love to a tree in the woods or something like that.

[Big Stu]

I. I'm not dating anybody, but back home. And also, I've got a few reliable booty calls that keeps me saying a

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

few reliable booty calls.

[Adam Ray]

So, like, the last booty call you had, like. Can you. Can you walk us through that? What's that like? What's it like hanging out with a guy like Big Stu? Hey, babe,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

those are crickets for no reason or. It's a frog.

[Adam Ray]

Okay, There's a frog in your house.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go ahead, Big Stu.

[Big Stu]

Just a hotel and a little bit of tequila.

[Adam Ray]

Wow.

[Big Stu]

That's all?

[Adam Ray]

Why do you get a hotel? Take us through the thought process of getting a hotel. You didn't like your place in Tulsa? Not the kind of place, no.

[Big Stu]

I mean, I. I mean, it's. Whenever I go back to Tulsa, I

[Ian Edwards]

get a hotel for the hookers.

[Big Stu]

For the hookers?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Adam Ray]

So you hook up with hookers?

[Big Stu]

No, no, not hookers.

[Adam Ray]

Okay.

[Big Stu]

No.

[Adam Ray]

How about here in Austin? Have you hooked up with a girl? In Austin? Since you got here in March. Okay, so, like, where'd you find that girl at?

[Big Stu]

It was whenever I was living across the street and working as a door guy, so it kind of.

[Adam Ray]

Where were you a door guy at?

[Big Stu]

I was a door guy at Peckerheads and Burnside.

[Adam Ray]

This is all here on 6th Street. So how did this happen with the girl? Let me guess. You did a show at Nar Bar,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

and the thick Latina comes up to

[Adam Ray]

you because clearly she will fuck anything.

[Big Stu]

Yeah, no, I. I'd seen her around a few times, and then one of my off days, I had cocaine, and I asked her if she wanted something.

[Paulie Shore]

Only if you kick yourself in the head.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Was it a thick Latina?

[Big Stu]

No.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, it was a white girl.

[Big Stu]

Black.

[Ian Edwards]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I would not have expected that. Big Stew.

[Adam Ray]

You look like a racist.

[Big Stu]

No, no, quite the opposite.

[Adam Ray]

Quite the opposite. Is that your. That's your style? That's your flavor?

[Big Stu]

I. I do like black girl.

[Adam Ray]

What do you love about bl? Why? What do you prefer? Why do you prefer black women over whites? Take us through it. Take us through the process.

[Big Stu]

It tastes like honey.

[Adam Ray]

Ooh. Damn. All right. Look at that.

[Redban]

We'll be right.

[Taylor Boss]

Blake,

[Adam Ray]

Ian Edwards, what do you think about this analysis that black women taste like honey?

[Ian Edwards]

It's not the worst thing that's been said about black women, but the fact that it's coming from a guy named Big Stu. But. So you like black women?

[Big Stu]

I do.

[Ian Edwards]

Is it because you're, like, a redhead and you feel like you've been rejected by your own kind?

[Big Stu]

No, no. I mean, I'm just saying redheads like me too.

[Ian Edwards]

Redheads like you too.

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

Yeah.

[Ian Edwards]

How often do you even see a redhead?

[Big Stu]

I don't know. Every once a week.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Adam Ray]

Amazing.

[Ian Edwards]

I know. They'd be out here like that.

[Adam Ray]

So just like, for example, this black woman that you met, how did that happen? You offered her cocaine. And then. And then what happens?

[Big Stu]

And then we went upstairs to my apartment.

[Adam Ray]

You went upstairs? So she was just downstairs outside of your apartment building?

[Big Stu]

Well, yeah. It's 6th Street.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, you live on 6th Street.

[Big Stu]

The apartment is on 6th street across the street.

[Ian Edwards]

Was it one of the homeless women?

[Big Stu]

No.

[Adam Ray]

And so you take her up to your place.

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

Let's.

[Adam Ray]

Let's reenact it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Adam Ray is now a black woman. Yeah. Big stew. The right lighting here. Keena.

[Redban]

I don't know. Big Stu is gonna.

[Brian Holtzman]

I don't know.

[Redban]

Big Stu is gonna have such a big room.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She acknowledges the unframed poster on the wall. Oh, Jurassic park night. I thought they all meant food in. You got some cocaine, Big Stew.

[Michael Hines]

I do.

[Redban]

Yeah, I know you do. That's all. Yeah, I saw you hot mess in your shoe with.

[Big Stu]

Nah Bob, I got you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, well busted apple. Hey, let's do it.

[Big Stu]

Let me do a bump of your titty.

[Redban]

Oh, say what?

[Big Stu]

Bump off your titty.

[Redban]

Bump up my titty?

[Brian Holtzman]

Yeah.

[Redban]

All right. Let me take my Eddie Bauer jacket off.

[Michael Hines]

All right,

[Redban]

Which city you want to do? I had a surgery. So the left one spawned and did the right one. Which one are you pointing at? Sue, be definitive this side.

[Michael Hines]

Huh?

[Big Stu]

This is the one on this side.

[Ian Edwards]

As your roommate, I'm leaving.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's fine. That's fine.

[Redban]

We a staring at my titties. All right, Big St. Go ahead and do that bum baby.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, you can stay right there. It it. Oh, Wow. Oh, I think he gave the nipple a little kiss there.

[Redban]

Yeah, there was no need for you to gnaw on my actual titty. But now that we're here.

[Big Stu]

Yeah.

[Redban]

You wanna turn those lights down, Big Stu? Maybe show me something bigger than just your name.

[Big Stu]

Yeah, sure. Yeah, I got you.

[Ian Edwards]

Why are you so intimidated? You got cocaine.

[Brian Holtzman]

Oh, shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I thought you left.

[Ian Edwards]

Nah, I decided to stick around.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why you here?

[Redban]

You might go make you make me a sandwich. I saw some bread and meat on

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the next to the kitchen.

[Ian Edwards]

All right, I got you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thanks, baby.

[Adam Ray]

Big Stu, what do you say after you finish with a black woman,

[Ian Edwards]

why

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

are you still here?

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable. Man, that post nut clarity kicks in hard for big Stuff Stu.

[Adam Ray]

And did she spend the night or did you get her a car?

[Big Stu]

I passed out drunk and when she woke up, she was gone.

[Adam Ray]

Wow. Amazing. You nailed it, Big Stu. Good job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You check your house to make sure everything was there still or does he

[Ian Edwards]

look like he got something to steal?

[Big Stu]

There's nothing worth stealing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, exactly.

[Redban]

All I walked out with was a Game Boy and some war.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's originals D Madness is going to find that woman right now.

[Adam Ray]

Man, if this guy could get then

[Dedrick Flynn]

I could definitely this too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Big Stew.

[Adam Ray]

All right. Here's a medium sized joke book. Good job. There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We have a friend here, ladies and gentlemen, who's gonna do a minute. A good friend of the show from

[Adam Ray]

the Comedy Store, one of our old pals just swinging into town. So we're giving him a min and we love him. It's a good friend of ours for many years, friend of everyone and cool comedian. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Taylor Boss, everybody.

[Taylor Boss]

I used to be addicted to drugs, but Then I got off of them because I found a woman and I could tell she really wasn't a heroin kind of gal. She was classy. Growing up, though, my parents probably should have known I was gonna have an issue with addiction just by how I used to eat my fruit by the foot. Cause my brother, you would eat his like a real nerd. It would take him forever. Just a little piece by little piece. What a fucking nerd. Then there's how I would eat my food by the foot. Now let me know if you would eat it the same way. Okay. What I would do, I would open up the package. Just take the whole thing out immediately. Anybody else? Take the whole thing out immediately. Roll it up to a little ball. Yeah, roll it up to a little ball. Parents probably should have known I was gonna have an issue with addiction. Cause with my fruit by the foot, I would take the whole thing out. I'd roll it up into a little ball. I'd put it on a spoon and melt it down. Then I would inject it in my last remaining good vein. I was 10. Anybody else?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, Taylor. Boss. Hell yeah. Melting down your fruit roll up.

[Adam Ray]

Welcome, Taylor. How's life going?

[Taylor Boss]

Great, Tony. Thank you very much. I've been out here for about almost a week.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah.

[Taylor Boss]

Been having fun.

[Adam Ray]

Tell us about it. What can someone expect their first week?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A lot of walking, a lot of eating.

[Taylor Boss]

Ate too much. I almost terry blacked in my pants.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, a lot of eating. Yes, yes. We do that around here, right?

[Adam Ray]

Red band. Red band's recovering from a torn belly button.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It hurts. It doesn't really hurt. Yeah. I really did pull. And we were just talking about pulling because we're getting old. Like, I really did pull this. Taylor, it's good to see you doing comedy. I mean, like I, you know, before, when we used to. To know Taylor in la, you. You weren't really doing comedy much.

[Taylor Boss]

Not at the time, no. I mean, I've been doing it for a while. I've been doing for like 17 years. But in the middle, I took like five years off to do hard drugs and paint pictures.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. He is one of the great painters you'd rec.

[Adam Ray]

You can recognize his art all over Chris Rogers Rogan Studio. And you've seen it in the backward background of Rogan Studio and other places. What else is going on, Taylor? Tell us something crazy about your life that we don't know about you.

[Taylor Boss]

About 13 years ago, I got admitted to the mental hospital against my will.

[William Montgomery]

Nice.

[Taylor Boss]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Why?

[Taylor Boss]

I was using my room as my studio And I was accidentally huffing paint 24 hours a day. And I was having grandiose thoughts. I was telling people that I'm God. And in fact, Tony, I'm not God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I know, because I am God. No, I'm kidding. I've been huffing Sharpies for 12 and a half.

[Adam Ray]

Anyway, what was the mental hospital like? Taylor, Tell us.

[Taylor Boss]

It was a little bit weird. They put you in with the craziest person just to kind of scare you a little bit, see how bad you want it. Then after I started scaring the shit out of that guy. They put me into. Actually, the first activity was Pictionary. And I don't know if anybody here has ever played Mental Hospital Pictionary before. Not a lot of participation. It's just me and this guy Peter. I just met him. Don't get me wrong. I mean, what I didn't know about Peter is he's been in the mental hospital for a year and a half. He's memorized all the Pictionary cards. So we put on a show. Nobody in that room will ever forget. It's crazy. Then they had us do karaoke. And then I tried to escape. I only made it to the parking lot. Then they put me back in a room, and this time my room did not have any windows in it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah, yeah.

[Taylor Boss]

Yeah. But I was in there for about a month.

[Mohamed Youall]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Did they give you medication?

[Taylor Boss]

They did, yeah. Terrible.

[Adam Ray]

How did that make you feel?

[Taylor Boss]

Terrible. Yeah. I got off of it. When I got out, I kept a journal, so I didn't kill myself.

[Adam Ray]

There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Look at that.

[Taylor Boss]

Thank you. Yeah. Somebody's clapping for not killing myself or journaling. Thanks, man.

[Adam Ray]

Adam Ray Taylor's hilarious.

[Redban]

Known you for a while. He's opened for me a few times recently and crushed it. Once in Hermosa beach, once in San Diego. Ripped it. What's really cool is, is. And I guess this goes for most of the people you see that come through shows like this or anywhere is just how much he's been grinding. And it's always cool to be in a position to throw some bones and to somebody. And he crushed it both times. It was awesome. So, yeah, hilarious. And just. You were hilarious just now. So you're getting more comfy in your own skin, which is really cool to see. Yeah.

[Taylor Boss]

Yeah.

[Ian Edwards]

And I just like to second that. This motherfucker is funny as shit. When I used to see him not doing comedy, I'd be like, what the fuck are you doing? Get back on stage. And I also own some of his art.

[Taylor Boss]

He does. He owns a couple of pieces of my art.

[Ian Edwards]

And I was a little disappointed that he didn't die. So the value of it would go up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, the value skyrockets when they die.

[Ian Edwards]

But I like him alive. I'll. I'll take the loss on, you know,

[Adam Ray]

tell people so they can find your work. Where can they find your art?

[Taylor Boss]

Just on Instagram. Taylor Boss1s bos correct.

[Adam Ray]

That is right. Taylor, you had a great set. Fun times.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Taylor Boss, ladies and gentlemen.

[Ian Edwards]

Love you, bud.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here's a fruit by the foot. We have an actual fruit by the foot. Somehow I was just handed this. You got it. Go melt it down. Eat it out of a spoon. There goes Taylor Boss. Check out his art. He is unbelievable. All right, back to the bucket we go. This looks like a fun new name. Make some noise for Mohamed you all. Mohammed you all is next on Kill Tony.

[Mohamed Youall]

Lord and savior Joe Rogan. You got in trouble for saying, I don't have a problem with people who can afford to go to space. I don't have a problem with them saying, if you can exit the earth's atmosphere, you can say, if you can exit the troposphere, stratosphere, mesosphere, thermosphere, exosphere, ionosphere, you can say, nigger, you're in the niggasphere. Nobody cares. I've been kissing sleeping homeless people on the forehead. It's my way of giving back. Guys, next time. Next time you see a sleeping Can I.

[Adam Ray]

Go ahead. I want to know how this sounds.

[Mohamed Youall]

Next time you see a sleeping homeless person, tuck them in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mohamed, you all making his Kill Tony debut. I mean, wow.

[Adam Ray]

I gotta tell you, we are going

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

to be be bleeping those nwords. YouTube has a rule. We figured out all the modern rules, even though they're always changing with YouTube.

[Adam Ray]

We had the actual executives here a

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

few weeks ago, and we asked them every question possible. There's a limit to how many times

[Adam Ray]

even a black person can say the nw.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I asked, what if they're really black? Like, what if they're, like, darker than pure black? Can they say the N word? And they said, no, you have to bleep it. And. And somehow. And I know, because you are that guy, that we are going to have to bleep four times. So if you guys are wondering what he was saying during those bleeps, it

[Adam Ray]

was the nw and it is proven.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ian Edwards, who looks like milk chocolate compared to this is like watching

[Dedrick Flynn]

50

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shades of Black over here.

[Ian Edwards]

Yo. This is the first time I've ever been light skinned in my life. And I appreciate it.

[Mohamed Youall]

He's. He's white to me.

[Brandon Ferris]

Oh.

[Ian Edwards]

Oh, I know, I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is incredible. Even d madness is like, hey, that's what I see. You're the only guy D madness has ever seen before. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What the.

[Mohamed Youall]

That.

[Dedrick Flynn]

That's my kind of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I had to come back out so that I can see that.

[Adam Ray]

Muhammad, tell us what life is like being quite that shade.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, I mean, when you see a police officer, do you just lay on the ground and automatically like, what's the situation here Exactly?

[Mohamed Youall]

Call me the outline of a chalk black dude. That's incredibly racist.

[Michael Hines]

No.

[Mohamed Youall]

I don't know, bro.

[Adam Ray]

Okay, welcome. How long you been with stand up Muhammad?

[Mohamed Youall]

10 years.

[Adam Ray]

10 years? Where at?

[Mohamed Youall]

Iowa and Austin, Iowa.

[Adam Ray]

Wow, you must have really stood out in Iowa. Holy. Is that where you're born and raised?

[Mohamed Youall]

I was born in when Sudan was a whole Sudan. So Khartoum said. Now it's south and north. Okay. Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

How old were you when you moved to America?

[Mohamed Youall]

10. 10 years old.

[Adam Ray]

Okay, 10 years old. All right. 10. 10, perfect. And what was it like acclimating in Iowa? That was the first place you moved to.

[Mohamed Youall]

I didn't come out. I moved here in December 2004 and I didn't come out for a month because it was snowing in Iowa. Oh, terrified of the snow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Mohamed Youall]

Well, like, yep.

[Ian Edwards]

Ian, he's coming from war torn Sudan. I was like, this snow.

[Adam Ray]

I can't imagine the contrast when you walked out in the snow for the first time. First time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can't even imagine.

[Adam Ray]

So, Muhammad, what do you do for work?

[Mohamed Youall]

I work at Target.

[Adam Ray]

You work at Target? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. What do you do at Target? Exactly?

[Mohamed Youall]

I do. You know those sampling cards? Yeah, yeah, I do samples at Target.

[Adam Ray]

Holy.

[Mohamed Youall]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

How. Looks like Adam Ray's wheels are turning here.

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

Oh, yeah.

[Redban]

Big sample guy you are.

[Michael Hines]

What.

[Redban]

What are you pushing on the people?

[Adam Ray]

It could be.

[Mohamed Youall]

It's anything that you can like buy at Target, basically.

[Ian Edwards]

Right.

[Redban]

What's up? What's kind of like the hot item that really people go bananas for?

[Adam Ray]

Why do you have to say bananas?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, why'd you say that?

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, why did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why? That's racist.

[Mohamed Youall]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Adam, over here.

[Redban]

Hey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are people going ape about nowadays?

[Redban]

I knew I should have done a character. I can't trust myself.

[Ian Edwards]

Listen.

[Redban]

No, you know what I meant.

[Paulie Shore]

Bonkers.

[Redban]

Crazy. What do they go? What do they. What do they. What do you bring out?

[John Chaney]

And people.

[Redban]

You know, what was the the food that.

[Mohamed Youall]

That last week I had. Peppermint chocolate.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Okay.

[Mohamed Youall]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

What's your love life like, Muhammad?

[Mohamed Youall]

It's terrible.

[Adam Ray]

Tell us about that. That doesn't seem to make any sense. You're a handsome guy.

[Mohamed Youall]

Well, I moved out here to do comedy and I had a girlfriend in Iowa and then that was over with.

[Adam Ray]

So you miss her?

[Mohamed Youall]

Yeah, I do. You do? I do miss.

[Adam Ray]

And how long have you been in Austin?

[Mohamed Youall]

Two years.

[Adam Ray]

Two years. Have you talked to her at all?

[Mohamed Youall]

No. No?

[Adam Ray]

No. Was she sad when you left?

[Mohamed Youall]

Yeah. I was supposed to get married. She was, yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Really? Tell us about that. Like, you proposed?

[Mohamed Youall]

I didn't propose, but that was.

[Adam Ray]

Was it arranged?

[Mohamed Youall]

No.

[Kendall Jr.]

Well,

[Mohamed Youall]

my mom does. She has a. My mom has a couple girls arranged for me, but.

[Adam Ray]

No, the girl.

[Mohamed Youall]

The girl that I liked. Yeah. She did stand up.

[Adam Ray]

She did stand up, yeah. Does she still do it?

[Mohamed Youall]

I don't know.

[Kendall Jr.]

Wow.

[Adam Ray]

You really just don't even. Right. Is she Sudanese?

[Mohamed Youall]

You'd be shocked about the dancer.

[William Montgomery]

You shock.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You Asian girl.

[Mohamed Youall]

She's a white woman.

[Adam Ray]

Wow.

[Redban]

That is correct.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Over.

[Adam Ray]

Under. Over. Under 1. 170 pounds.

[Mohamed Youall]

Under. Under 170 pounds.

[Adam Ray]

Under 170 pounds. Now I'm actually shocked. That's amazing. And you, have you been with anyone in Austin?

[Mohamed Youall]

No, no, no, I haven't. I have a scd.

[Adam Ray]

Oh. What is it?

[Mohamed Youall]

Genital warts.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Adam Ray]

Amazing. Tell us about that. Do you remember when you got that?

[Mohamed Youall]

I, like, I caught it in Cairo, Egypt, in a balcony.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Redban]

Let's cut to a clip. Yeah, I don't have it.

[Adam Ray]

So where. Where in Cairo? Or did you find a balcony to hook up with a woman that had genital.

[Mohamed Youall]

I was 10 years old. She was 16.

[Adam Ray]

Wait, you were 10?

[Mohamed Youall]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, my God. How did you know what you were doing at 10 years old?

[Mohamed Youall]

I have. I. I don't know.

[Adam Ray]

It just felt right.

[Mohamed Youall]

Yeah, it felt right.

[Adam Ray]

You're like, I'm gonna put this there.

[Mohamed Youall]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Holy, man. That's crazy. Wow. So do you just have those all the time? Is that a thing that just stays.

[Mohamed Youall]

You have it your whole life. You can't get rid of it, but you can get rid of the symptoms. But it always stays with you. Am I just an STD class?

[Adam Ray]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is great. We find out what's different about everybody here.

[Adam Ray]

This is amazing.

[Redban]

Did you bring this up during the target interview? This feels like a pretty personal.

[Dedrick Flynn]

No, no, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Taylor Boss]

Wow.

[Adam Ray]

So basically, I mean, what does that mean? You just have to use a condom all the time?

[Mohamed Youall]

Yeah, basically yeah.

[Adam Ray]

All right.

[Owen Galavin]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is it a couple or is it just like one big gross one?

[Adam Ray]

It's a good question. Red band wants an actual description. There's three.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The big three. Like wart remover on or have you tried any, like, home tick tock remedies for it? Red band, that's enough. Put down the microphone again.

[Adam Ray]

What were you doing in Cairo exactly? I'm kind of confused here.

[Mohamed Youall]

So in 2004, the Sudanese government was. They were killing a lot of people.

[Adam Ray]

Just randomly or was there a specific reason or type of people?

[Mohamed Youall]

It was in South Sudan where they had resources, where the government would hire rebel rebels to go to, like, remote villages and like, kill the population and get the resources. And my mom wanted to get the out of there.

[Adam Ray]

What were the resources? Like blood diamonds or something? Is that right?

[Mohamed Youall]

It's very funny, guys.

[Adam Ray]

No, I'm genuinely curious.

[Mohamed Youall]

It's very funny.

[Adam Ray]

What is it?

[Mohamed Youall]

No, it's just oil. Oh, okay.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah. All right.

[Mohamed Youall]

So my mom decided, you know, get the out of there. And we seek refuge through the United nations. That a refugee program where if you're in a war torn area, they'll rescue you and take you to better places. So she applied and then we moved to Cairo, Egypt. I lived there for four years, then I came here.

[Adam Ray]

Right, amazing. And they shipped you to one of the safest places in the world. Iowa. That had to be a culture shock for you at 10, right?

[Mohamed Youall]

Yes, yes.

[Adam Ray]

Whole different situation. All white people around you, basically.

[Mohamed Youall]

I mean, I. I lived around white people my whole life in Egypt. Oh, they have a lot of Chinese people in Egypt. Just a fun fact.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Adam Ray]

General TSO's meet genital warts. That's how that goes. You see, that's a Chinese genital wart show. Figure that one out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

General, say I love it.

[Adam Ray]

Muhammad, do you have any special skills or talents other than comedy?

[Mohamed Youall]

I'm double jointed.

[Adam Ray]

Ooh, can you show us a trick?

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. The Xbox Exorcista. Anyone could do that. Yeah. Do not. Oh, man. I pulled my. I pulled my shoulder blades. Muhammad, I like your style.

[Adam Ray]

Congratulations.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you for signing up. Come back again. Let's do it again. There he is. Muhammad, you are all. Ladies and gentlemen. All right, ladies and gentlemen, we have what I think is one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show, and he's only been on for a few weeks. I think he is the future and the present. This. This is a brand new minute from the great Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen.

[Dedrick Flynn]

God, I love this shit. Honestly, Austin, Texas, I owe y' all apology. I was shitting on y' all wicked online for a long time and in public. It wasn't my fault. This is the first major city I moved to where I had to count black people. Cause I'm from Atlanta. I don't have the time, you know what I'm saying, To count all the black people. And then I was on the. Then as soon as I got killed, Tony, I was like, oh, shit, nigga. Y' all got great sunsets. This is the most booming city in the world, right? Ask me my favorite comedian.

[Ian Edwards]

Who's your favorite?

[Dedrick Flynn]

Tony Hinchcliffe. That's Tony Hinchcliff, my motherfucking favorite comedian. I love being out here now. I just needed to. Cause the problem was I was on the bus most of the time, so I never got to see the beauty. Because y' all put the homeless on the bus. And I know where they stop at, and it's near where I live. But the beautiful. Cause this is what happened. One day I was walking up here. The first time I wanted to sign up. Me and my friends was walking and he asked all of my friends for money. And then when he got to me, he was like, keep your head up. But now that I got killed, Tony, regular when I ride in my girlfriend car. Cause I ain't got that much money yet. We was stopped over here and the dude went to go clean the window. And then when she tried to give her money, he said, nah, you got something good on your hands. All right. He gonna be somebody. Thank y' all so much. I'm Dedrick Flynn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck yeah, Dedrick Flynn. I love it.

[Adam Ray]

Is that true that you rode the bus in Austin?

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah, all the time.

[Adam Ray]

I didn't even know that was a thing, I guess, like kind of buses,

[Dedrick Flynn]

but you gotta walk, like, where I gotta walk. It's like a two mile walk around the interstate. And then you get on the bus. Like, there's no, like, real bus lines, like going anywhere.

[Adam Ray]

They don't really go through downtown. I don't really ever see them.

[William Montgomery]

Is.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Well, that's cause you got money, Tony. I see him all the time. I'm like, oh, that's the 800 one I was on there.

[Adam Ray]

He.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Even when I'm driving around in my luxury automobile, I don't see buses very much.

[Dedrick Flynn]

That don't come up on your camera.

[Adam Ray]

I love it. Dedrick, how's life going? Your episode came out. You're officially kil Tony famous.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us how your life has changed,

[Dedrick Flynn]

dude. Everything's changed. You know how, like when you get a new haircut and you got errands, you know what I'm saying? Like, niggas gotta say I'm cute. Like, that's how I feel right now. I got new shoes and shit. My shit popping. I've been taking longer shits in public because niggas gotta see these shit. Sometimes I don't even take a shit. I just put the lid down and then I scream. So that way when he come outside, he like, hey, yo, some nigga with heat on his shoes is dropping logs right now.

[Adam Ray]

That's amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's an amazing way to show up

[Adam Ray]

off nice new shoes.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Sometimes I just slide my foot in in they stall, you know?

[Ian Edwards]

That was you?

[Michael Hines]

Yeah.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Them shits is hard.

[Ian Edwards]

I knew I recognize them. I was going to ask you where you got them from.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is awesome.

[Adam Ray]

Other than new shoes, what else? You're. You're financially secure now for the first time in a long.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah, man, this is crazy. My phone on. I don't know. I don't. I don'. Need the WI FI no more, actually. I get to go home this week to do Killers or kill Tony at the Fox here in Atlanta, which is one of my dream venues.

[Adam Ray]

Right?

[Dedrick Flynn]

That's going to be. I just get to go home. I don't even know how I feel all the way yet because I haven't been home. I haven't seen my mom, I haven't seen my brothers. I haven't seen my sister. I haven't seen, like, all of my friends that have been there since day one. Like, all I know is, like, the phone calls, but I haven't got, like, the hugs from it. So it's. I'm probably gonna come back a fucking monster and crying all the fucking time. I can't wait to cry for two weeks straight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Adam Ray]

I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ian Edwards.

[Ian Edwards]

This is beautiful, man. How does it feel to be robbable?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Even Fiona chiming in on that one.

[Dedrick Flynn]

We got a different frame. You bald and like. You look like five cigarettes put together or black and miles. I. I just. I'm not very robable. The homeless don't even look me in the eyes. Like I told you.

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

He.

[Dedrick Flynn]

They give me respect off rip. They know I got a gun. Tony know I got a gun. He said I can bring it in now. I'm a regular.

[Adam Ray]

It's true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All regulars are allowed to have guns.

[Adam Ray]

That's why William has four attached to him at all times. I love it. Dedrick. Dedrick Deadrick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Adam Ray Yeah, I.

[Redban]

You. It was really moving, the. The moment when you got the regular spot. I told you that before I saw you. But what did you do after that? I guess, like, it was. How do you ride, man?

[Dedrick Flynn]

I had so many people, because the people that were waiting at Shakespeare's, they all heard my name call, so my phone was like blowing up. And then after I got the regular, I ran out of here with Jay Legend bags and boxes. Jaylen was singing because he was going crazy when I got called. So we're crying, walking back to the Shakespeare's and all I did was scream at the top of my lungs, I

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

got motherfucking regular, bitch.

[Dedrick Flynn]

And then the whole crowd went crazy and it was sick as. And then I've just been, I don't know, like in a. I'm not even in the driver's seat right now. Everybody. Everything's happening that I wanted to happen. All I'm saying is follow your dreams, all right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, follow your dreams.

[William Montgomery]

No doubt about it.

[Redban]

No, you're right, because not even. It must have been 4 years ago I saw you on the street and I kissed you on the forehead and tucked you into your standing bag.

[Adam Ray]

And like.

[Redban]

So now to be here. No, it's a callback. But no, I don't want to take away from your statement, but you're exactly right. Dude, you said 39 times until you got called up, right?

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah, 39.

[Redban]

That's wild, dude.

[Adam Ray]

It is. What's possible, he went from 39 times signing up to not to with nothing. To getting on, to opening for Joe Rogan two days later, to doing the Fox theater three weeks later.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And he's gonna be in the arena.

[Adam Ray]

Yes. Open for Ron White.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Gonna be at the arena here on New Year's Eve.

[Redban]

You gotta get ready to be ready, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh?

[Redban]

So you gotta get ready to be ready.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that's it.

[Adam Ray]

He's been ready. He is hilarious. We've seen his longer sets. They are incredible. Find them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Follow them.

[Adam Ray]

Ladies and gentlemen, Dedrick Flynn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The dark storm of Atlanta has arrived. And on to the next one we go. I gotta tell you. Yeah. This name looks amazing. And I hope it is anything like what it seems to be. No doubt the first time for this bucket pool.

[Adam Ray]

Let's see if.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If the carpets match the drapes with this one. Make some noise, Vers. Stevie Oneleg Wonder. Stevie Oneleg Wonder. Okay. Indeed it is. Stevie Oneleg Wonder.

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

Hey, Austin. Did a 23andMe the other day and found out I'm Chinese. Yeah. I'm from vagina. Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, hold it up to your mouth.

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

My bad. I didn't realize. I just lost my train of thought. I was. I was outside last Monday. I signed up and I was looking at the homeless. The homeless guy in the street, he had a vacuum cleaner and he was running back and forth on the line. I was just like, wow. Austin started with their homeless population to clean up these streets. Super awesome. What do you guys call black guy that flies a plane? Call him a pilot, you fucking racist. That's all I was prepared for.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go, Stevie. One Leg Wonder.

[Adam Ray]

Welcome to the show. Stevie, how are ya?

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

Nervous?

[Adam Ray]

You're good. You're doing just fine. Stevie, how long you been doing standup?

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

This is my first time. I just moved to Austin two weeks ago.

[Adam Ray]

Your first time ever doing stand up?

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

First time.

[Adam Ray]

Wow. How old are you?

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

40 years old.

[Adam Ray]

40. And what made you want to start now?

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

I wanted to start since I was 13 and I went and fucked around at 16 and had kids and more kids until I was 21, got a divorce and ended up raising three kids by myself.

[Adam Ray]

So how old are the kids?

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

18, 20 and 22.

[Adam Ray]

Wow, you did it. You raised three grown kids.

[John Chaney]

Kids.

[Adam Ray]

That's amazing.

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

No felonies, all driver's licenses. No felonies, all driver's licenses. Clean records.

[Adam Ray]

Amazing. So, okay, let's jump right into it, shall we? Or not jump if you're you. How did you lose the legs, Stevie?

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

Which story do you want to hear? Because I. I tell like 150 different stories.

[Adam Ray]

Can you tell the truth?

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

For you, Tony? I will tell the truth because it's an honor to be here.

[Adam Ray]

Perfect. Let's hear it.

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

Okay, so I was working up in Denver. We were loading a pipe for a sign that was going up on i70, and it just went wrong. And I was on the bad end of it. Got crushed by it, taken to the hospital. Two weeks later, they decided to cut my leg off.

[Adam Ray]

Damn. Wow.

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

Thanks, Red Band.

[Adam Ray]

How old were you when that happened?

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

That was almost four years ago.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, okay. So that was recent.

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

Yes.

[Adam Ray]

So take us through it. What are some things we'd be surprised by? Fun facts about having one leg.

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

You get to tell a lot of one leg jokes, huh? You get a leg up on the competition?

[Adam Ray]

Yeah.

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

You put your best foot forward.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah.

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

You know all that?

[Adam Ray]

Yeah.

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

So, I mean, it's good to have one leg.

[Brandon Ferris]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Ian Edwards.

[Ian Edwards]

I mean, this is bad, but can you kick yourself in the head?

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

You don't even know. You don't even know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He could beat himself in the head. With that thing. Oh, my God. Wow. What are the odds? What are the odds?

[Ian Edwards]

And he didn't tear his belly button.

[Mohamed Youall]

Cheater.

[Adam Ray]

Absolutely incredible. Wow.

[Redban]

I don't know what it says about me, but I was genuinely, like, very excited when he did that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Redban]

Like, I don't think I've ever seen it. Did you unscrew part of it to. To.

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

No, I. I just got to tickle my knee, and then it. And then it works.

[Adam Ray]

Amazing.

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

Just tickle it with this button right here.

[Adam Ray]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa.

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

I just got this. This is a new. New leg. It was. I think it's about four or five weeks old.

[Adam Ray]

Wow. Little baby legs sure converging.

[Redban]

Where'd it come from?

[Mohamed Youall]

The.

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

The store.

[Adam Ray]

Is there a lake store? Where do you get a new lake from?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazon, or.

[Adam Ray]

What are we. What are we?

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

Evergreen Prosthetics in North Carolina?

[Redban]

Mohammed wasn't giving out leg samples at Target.

[Dedrick Flynn]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Redban]

All right.

[Adam Ray]

Stevie, what do you do for fun?

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

You know, I don't. I don't know since. Since I lost my leg, I haven't gone out much.

[Adam Ray]

But what did you used to do for fun?

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

Everything. Dirt bikes, motorcycles, boats, camping. All kinds of stuff.

[Adam Ray]

You could still do those things, right? You just haven't tried.

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

Yeah, but I got white boy money, so I don't have boats no more.

[Adam Ray]

What do you mean, white boy money? Money.

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

I'm broke.

[Adam Ray]

Is that white boy?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think that he mixed it up. Yeah,

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

my bad.

[Adam Ray]

Okay. So you still with the baby mama?

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

No, absolutely not. I was married for seven years, and out of that, we were together, too.

[Adam Ray]

Wow. And then did what the divorce cost you in Armando Lake Leg.

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

Just a leg. I was really good at negotiating.

[Adam Ray]

Amazing. Okay, so what's dating like here and there, huh?

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

I get around.

[Adam Ray]

You do?

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

Sometimes. I'll get in my wheelchair. It goes faster.

[Adam Ray]

You have a wheelchair?

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

No, I got rid of it before I moved here.

[Adam Ray]

Right, okay, but how long have you been. How long have you lived here?

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

Thursday will be two weeks.

[Adam Ray]

Got it. Two weeks. So you haven't been on a date or met a girl or anything here yet?

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

No.

[Adam Ray]

Okay. Ian.

[Ian Edwards]

It's just funny because the blind guy feels so bad for him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, he is. D man is doing his scoffing thing.

[Ian Edwards]

That's cold.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ian Edwards]

Four years ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ian Edwards]

Are there any specs on that leg? Like, when you ordered it? Like, can it do, like you did the thing?

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

Well, I mean, yes and no. It's more the accessories I can put below the knee versus anything else I can put the running leg on here. It's just like a big spring. It looks like Blade Runner, you know, But I don't run. If there's a bear, I guess I'll fight it.

[Adam Ray]

Well, there's no bears here in Austin. Where were you at before this?

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

Raleigh, North Carolina.

[Adam Ray]

Right. How did. How's Austin different than Raleigh? Tell us about it.

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

It's got a cleaner downtown. Yeah, I was actually surprised. I've watched the show a lot, and I've seen all the comments of the. The homeless population down here, and I was thinking Denver. You know, like, Denver's gross. You can't even walk down there.

[Adam Ray]

It's true. And people talk about the homeless population. It's really. It's two or three blocks of homeless people.

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

Yeah, but the food, shelters, they're all cool, you know? Yeah, they just wander around circles.

[Adam Ray]

And there's a lot of liberals here in Austin, I can tell you. Lean to the right. How does it. All right.

[Redban]

You said you've been here two weeks?

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

Yes, sir.

[Redban]

How long do you think it'll take you to land on your feet?

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

I don't know. The plane's been canceled.

[Adam Ray]

Well, Stevie, keep. Yep, Adam, go ahead.

[Redban]

I just want to ask. You said your gig. Do your kids, like, know you do comedy? Are they, like, supportive? Are they?

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

Well, my youngest daughter was supposed to move out, and that's why I decided to move to Austin, and she didn't because some shit happened. But I asked her to come with me tonight, and she's like, I don't want to. So she's supportive of me being here, but she just doesn't want to be here. Yeah, she said, dad, I'm 18. I don't want to. I don't want to go hang out in a bar, watch drunk people get drunk.

[Adam Ray]

So that makes sense.

[Redban]

All right, I'm going to take a sip.

[Adam Ray]

Checks out. She's not wrong.

[Redban]

That's a respectable answer for my daughter.

[Adam Ray]

Thanks, Stevie. Congratulations. I'm gonna give you a big joke book, buddy. I like your style.

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

This is amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fill it up, work it out.

[Redban]

First time ever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're living your dreams, Stevie. One Leg Wonder has made his debut here on Kill. Tony, come back, sign up again. Break a leg, Go do memes.

[Adam Ray]

What does that mean? Red band. Yeah. What do you mean?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

His big joke was. Oh, oh, look who it is. The very controversial Paulie Shore.

[Paulie Shore]

Is it okay. Is it okay if I give you a hug, bro? I'm so sorry.

[Adam Ray]

It's okay. We don't need to hug.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We don't need to. We don't.

[Adam Ray]

We really, we don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right, if you insist. There he is. Paulie Sharp coming off a very. A very polarizing episode of Kill Tony with Roseanne Barr. I thought we banned in which somehow he was the wild one.

[Paulie Shore]

I just wanted to come out here in front of your whole audience. I know my audience is different than your audience.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very different. Yeah.

[Paulie Shore]

And I just. I was on. Thank you for having me on your show a couple months ago or whatever it was, but I was going through a lot of. Going through a lot of stuff, and I've been taking some meds and I said that I got banned when I. Whoa.

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

Don't.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Fuck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look who it is. The silver goat of Kill Tony universe. Brian Holtzman has arrived.

[Paulie Shore]

No, let me finish my apology so I can get accepted back here with the Kill Tony camp. You cocksucker.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Please, Paulie, let Brian talk for a second. Let's hear what Holtzman has to say.

[Brian Holtzman]

I'm taking care of watching over him. I'm kind of his minder in. And I'm sorry about this. I turned around, I had to use the bathroom and he ran up here.

[Paulie Shore]

I just want to say I lied. I lied and I never got banned from your show. And I was just saying that because I was. Fuck. I was on meds, but I'm okay now, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Paulie.

[Paulie Shore]

So thank you. I love you guys. I apologize.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's in good hands. His new caretaker, Brian Holtzman. Wow, what a moment. A double character cameo by the great. How about one more time for Paulie Shore and Brian Holtzman? Brian. Brian. Brian.

[Adam Ray]

You have any.

[Mohamed Youall]

Why don't you. Why don't you do it?

[Adam Ray]

Do it, do it, do it. Do it. Paulie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Don't do anything. Just. Just.

[Adam Ray]

Just. Just be part of this set.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Paulie.

[Brian Holtzman]

No, Paulie. Paulie is going through some rough times now with the controversy that took place. And I'm. They. They kind of want. This family wants me to keep an eye on him, you know? And. And I hate everybody, too. So I just got back from New Orleans and my asshole is still sore. And we had a good time. And everybody's happy about that, and I'm happy about that, and everybody's excited about that. And I wasn't expected to be up here, so I don't have any canned anything to say, but I will tell you. There's a lot of retards at the airport. I tell you that. I mean, you're in the airport. Can anybody get on this plane without help? Is there anybody that can get on the fucking plane? Without help. Families traveling with children that need extra time. Get on the plane, you retarded family of four. There's no steps on the jetway. Just get on the fucking plane. We're here. There should be a separate airline for rich retards and handicapped people that can't get on the fucking plane. Retard air. Paint a big wheelchair on the tail. I don't know. This plane goes down, nobody cares. You mean we can get rid of this van with the workbench on the back? You mean we can get this boat dock off the front of the house? The front of the house is a skateboard park. Why would you put the ramp in front of the house? You want to let everybody know you got a somebody not doing well in the house? Put the ramp in the back of the house. I don't want the whole fucking neighborhood to know I'm fucking somebody who can't fuck back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Brian Holtzman, ladies and gentlemen. One of the greatest ever in the Kiltoni universe. How about one more time for Pauly Shore and Brian Holtzman, everybody? What a.

[Mohamed Youall]

What a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What a crazy world we have around here where Paulie and Holtzman just comes stumbling in. Back to the bucket we go. Everybody who knows the next Paulie Shore or Brian Holtzman could be this bucket pole.

[Adam Ray]

Anything can happen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some noise. This is a minute uninterrupted for Owen Galavin, everybody. Owen Galavin.

[Owen Galavin]

I'm a first generation American, you guys. Both of my parents are from Ireland, but my grandma, she's from, like, a small island off the west coast of Ireland with like, 40 people on. It didn't really dawn on me till I visited there last summer. That just makes me inbred as fuck, you guys. Who are they having sex with? No, I should be way uglier and way dumber than I am. I can never complain about being short again. It's a miracle that I can do math. Guys, there was one pub and two last names on that island. My family tree is just a wreath. I don't even have ancestors. I just have incesters. Since I've come to this realization, though, I have been blaming a lot of my flaws on being inbred. That's been fun. People tell me I talk too loud. I'm like, dude, you're lucky I'm not screaming wheels on the bus right now. That's my time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, Owen Galavan. This is your first time on the show, right, Owen?

[Owen Galavin]

No, I've been on a few times.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, okay. When was the last time? A year Ago or something.

[Owen Galavin]

While ago. It was that crazy rapid fire bucket pole episode. No. Interview.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah.

[Mohamed Youall]

Oh, okay.

[Adam Ray]

Where we found Martin Phillips. Or, I mean, Aaron Belial.

[Taylor Boss]

What was that?

[Adam Ray]

That was. That was.

[Taylor Boss]

No, I don't know.

[Owen Galavin]

It was. It was here.

[Adam Ray]

Okay.

[Kendall Jr.]

Bad.

[Adam Ray]

Perfect. Gotcha. Owen. So you had a rough set last time.

[Owen Galavin]

Not great.

[Adam Ray]

Okay, well, welcome back. It seems to be getting better for you, Owen. Congratulations. You've been working hard at this.

[Owen Galavin]

I have.

[Adam Ray]

How long you been doing stand up?

[Owen Galavin]

About six years.

[Adam Ray]

Six years. What do you do for work?

[Owen Galavin]

I'm an engineer.

[Adam Ray]

Ooh. What kind of engineer?

[Owen Galavin]

Mechanical by degree. But right now I work as an industrial engineer.

[Adam Ray]

You making good money?

[Owen Galavin]

Pretty good.

[Adam Ray]

You live by yourself?

[Kendall Jr.]

I do.

[Adam Ray]

Nice. One bedroom?

[Mohamed Youall]

Yeah.

[John Chaney]

One bedroom.

[Adam Ray]

Hell, yeah. What's in your refrigerator right now that would surprise us right now?

[Owen Galavin]

I actually just went grocery shopping yesterday, so right now it's kind of full. Got a bunch of chicken broccoli Alfredo I made yesterday. Not too bad. And some lamb chops I'm thinking about making maybe tomorrow.

[Adam Ray]

Wow. You gonna broil those? What are you gonna. How are you gonna prepare the lamb? Are you gonna bake the lamb chops?

[Owen Galavin]

If I'm gonna be honest, I'm gonna look up on YouTube how to cook them and just do what YouTube tells me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Adam Ray]

Amazing. Okay. Oh. And what's your love life like?

[Owen Galavin]

You know, it's relatively normal. I was dating a girl for a little while this year. We broke up a couple months ago. And since then? No real dates.

[Adam Ray]

Why'd you break up a couple months ago?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I broke up with her.

[Owen Galavin]

She was real nice, but it just wasn't, you know, it. And I figured, break it off.

[Adam Ray]

Now, when you say it wasn't it, what exactly was she missing?

[Owen Galavin]

Just a feel. It was just a feeling thing. You know what I mean? Couldn't feel it, like, deep down, you know what I'm saying?

[Adam Ray]

All right.

[Ian Edwards]

She didn't feel related to you?

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Amazing. Owen, you have any special skills or talents that would surprise us?

[Owen Galavin]

Nothing I haven't done before on here. Last time I did a dumbass cricket noise, and that got.

[Adam Ray]

Let's hear the cricket noise. Red band. I mean, he's literally doing a cricket noise. So when you hit the sound effect, that's pressure.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Here.

[Adam Ray]

Here he goes with his cricket noise.

[Owen Galavin]

No, I can't do it. It's too much pressure.

[Ian Edwards]

I choked. I choked.

[Owen Galavin]

Can't do it. Tried it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tried as hard as I can.

[Owen Galavin]

Try one more time.

[Ian Edwards]

I'll try.

[Adam Ray]

Okay, here we go with this cricket noise.

[Owen Galavin]

Can't do it.

[Ian Edwards]

It is.

[Owen Galavin]

Trust me, it is good. When I'm not in front of 200 people staring at me.

[Kendall Jr.]

It's all right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Adam Ray]

All right, Owen. I see why I dismissed you very quickly last time.

[Owen Galavin]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

All right.

[Mohamed Youall]

Okay.

[Adam Ray]

You're leaving with a medium, very black. Awesome joke book. It's a medium black. There he goes. Owen Gallivan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're gonna keep it moving here.

[Adam Ray]

Some of these people, they really struggle at the interview part of the show. It's very interesting.

[Redban]

It's tough, right?

[Adam Ray]

It is tough.

[Redban]

Tougher than you think to just talk about yourself.

[Adam Ray]

But for some, yeah, for some, yeah. Yeah. I really try to help these people,

[Redban]

but, yeah, you ask good questions.

[Adam Ray]

I do my best.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket bowl.

[Adam Ray]

You still having fun out there?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, make some noise for Sebastian Santa Maria. Sebastian Santa Maria.

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

Yo, yo. How's it going, Austin? Everybody looks absolutely beautiful tonight. So unbelievable this is happening. So lately I've been having some crazy urges.

[Kendall Jr.]

And.

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

I mean, I. I guess everybody has.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Has urges.

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

And mine have been at night, you know, and it's honestly been like whether I'm gonna jerk off or not. And whenever I jerk off, man, I have terrible dreams. I think about, you know, like. Well, I dream about, you know, like, getting stabbed and bleeding out in Shrek's apartment. He's, like, stabbing me is absolutely horrible. And then if I don't. If I don't jerk off, it's just, you know, I have epic dreams, dude. I'm like, smashing Fiona. It's awesome, dude. It's awesome. And I'm not talking about the skinny. I'm talking about, you know, like, green hot. Like, swampy puss. Fiona, dude, this guy knows what I'm talking about.

[Big Stu]

Hell, yeah.

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

I know you like that, dog. So, you know, and I. I wake up at three in the morning, I'm absolutely bricked up. And what do I do?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I jerk off.

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

Terrible idea. Because guess what happens, dude. I'm back with Shrek. And he knows that I just smashed his fiance or his wife, depending on

[Dedrick Flynn]

what movie

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus Christ Almighty. Sebastian. Santa Maria. What the was that?

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

Oh, God, man.

[Adam Ray]

Holy Tony.

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

Don't do that to me, man.

[Adam Ray]

How long you been doing stand up?

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

I've been doing. I've been doing it for the love of sport for the past, like, six to eight months, you know, I don't really have a handle or anything like that.

[Adam Ray]

You don't have a what?

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

I like to do.

[Adam Ray]

You don't have a what?

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

A handle. Like, you know, ig, I thought you

[Redban]

meant Like a handle on the craft.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, handle of the craft.

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

I think I on that. On that second turn of the night, dude, I'm gonna have a good handle of Shrek, you know?

[Redban]

Yeah, I always love a good. It's one of my favorite things I get. And I think I even did it too. Like starting out in comedy. Every new comic does it when, like, they do a joke and it's maybe not what they thought they wanted to say or how it was supposed to go. And they go, this guy knows what I'm talking about. Like, you suck this guy into your Shrek swamp joke. And he was like, I do know. I'm sorry, I don't. But I'm saying I do because I don't want you to kill yourself.

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

Yeah, okay. I can see West Texas when I see it, man.

[Redban]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Sebastian.

[Kendall Jr.]

Yes, sir.

[Adam Ray]

How old are you?

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

I'm 26.

[Adam Ray]

26, wow. What made you want to start? Stand up now,

[Brian Holtzman]

dude.

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

Why not, man? I'm. I'm in the oil field. I can't do any drugs anymore. So I figured, you know, I want to. I have to get a rush somehow. And this is kind of like gambling, getting killed, Tony. Why not, dude, why not?

[Adam Ray]

Well, I mean, it's not really like gambling. You could prepare and do good at this. It's not like the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The house has better odds than you or anything.

[Adam Ray]

Everyone wants you to do good, so it's not really gambling. I mean, if you prepared and tried it out at open mic mics and stuff. Yeah. Okay. Do you have any, any other special skills? What have you been good at in your life? You're 26. You're a good looking guy.

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

Thank you, sir.

[Big Stu]

Thank you.

[Adam Ray]

All right, answer the question.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus. Just fell in love after that.

[Michael Hines]

Guys.

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

Guys don't get that many compliments, so I had to take a little breather.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is the one compliment anyone could give you. You do look handsome.

[Adam Ray]

Once you start talking, all the dry

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

up, all the hard cocks go soft.

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

No swamp in here. I can see. What other skills do I have, man? I'm an engineer. I've been doing that for a while.

[Adam Ray]

Jesus.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

These engineers cannot engineer a joke, huh? Okay, what else are you good at? Anything.

[Adam Ray]

You seem like you could keep a soccer ball up in the air for a while.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Something like that.

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

Yeah, totally. I'm. I'm out of here with the beanbag suit. I'm Argentinian, so. Number one.

[Adam Ray]

What does that mean? Yeah, number one.

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

We won the World Cup.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You mean number one?

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

Yeah, number one.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, you won the World Cup.

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

I didn't win it, but Argentina.

[Adam Ray]

Argentina did. Ian is our senior soccer correspondent, believe it or not, the rare black soccer fan.

[Ian Edwards]

Okay, they won. When did you win? Like two years ago. 22. 2022.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, 2022. Our. Our double. Senior soccer correspondent over there.

[Adam Ray]

Amazing.

[Redban]

You said you can't. You said you can't do drugs anymore. What. What were some of the hardest and most fun drugs that you did?

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

Dude, I went to. I went to Texas Tech, man. Wrecking Tech.

[Adam Ray]

They.

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

They quite a bit of them. They quite a bit of them. You want me to listen out or.

[Redban]

I think that's what I just asked. Yeah, I think I remember when I said what were some of the hard drugs you did.

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

Dude, you going to put me on the spot?

[Paulie Shore]

I don't.

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

I'm not trying to lose my job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're okay, Sebastian.

[Redban]

This guy knows what I'm talking about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Sebastian. Here's the little joke book. There he goes. Sebastian Santa Maria, ladies and gentlemen. So I'm going to tell you what,

[Adam Ray]

we're going to do something special here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is completely unplanned. This has been one of those. This has been one of those rare Mondays where I have been in full recovery all day that we are coming off of Skank fest weekend. I flew in yesterday with Shane Gillis and Joe Derosa and we drank all day yesterday, starting with screwdrivers on the plane we landed, went to a bar and drank for 10 hours straight. I was sick in the middle of the night. I got an IV drip today. Been drinking water, coffee, this, that to repair myself. So I have to pee so badly that I'm basically sweating out of my eyes. So what I think we should do if the crowd wants to do it and if Adam wants to do it. Why don't we do a little. Little Tony Hinchcliffe and I go pee and I'll let you call up of this bucket pole. Does that sound fun to you guys? Ladies and gentlemen, hosting for me, while I step out to the bathroom for a couple minutes, make some noise for Tony Hinchcliffe, everybody.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yippee.

[Paulie Shore]

Oh my God. One more time.

[Redban]

Thanks.

[Paulie Shore]

We're really doing it. Red band. Oh my God. Who's having the best fucking night of their lives right now, by the way? Unbelievable. Don't play that monkey noise anymore. Red band. Your next bucket poll. I don't believe he's been on the show before, but he goes. He has a name. And I'm gonna read it right now here on Kill Tony. Oh, he goes by the name of Brandon Roris. Keep it going for Brandon Roris, the Kill Tony Dick debut. Here he is, everybody.

[Brandon Ferris]

Disney adult, Am I right?

[Ian Edwards]

Ew.

[Brandon Ferris]

My kids dressed me. I have an excuse. Okay, guys, chill. Just celebrated 15 years of marriage. It's the same energy I gave that last 15 years. Thanks, guys. We've been trying this new thing. My wife's love language is quality time where you're like trapped in a room trying to escape an argument in the car. That's right.

[John Chaney]

Yeah.

[Brandon Ferris]

Just one argument away from winning.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Woo.

[Paulie Shore]

Keep going. I want to hear where this goes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We'll be right back. Oh, my God.

[Brandon Ferris]

We're good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hello, how are.

[Michael Hines]

Hi.

[Mohamed Youall]

What's going.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you want to.

[Paulie Shore]

You want to sp. He was going to finish the rest of his joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you're still. Well, you're still doing it.

[Brandon Ferris]

This thing called momentum, it's gone now. We're good.

[Adam Ray]

Go ahead, finish it.

[Paulie Shore]

Finish it. Yeah, come on, come on, finish it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on, finish.

[Paulie Shore]

Come on, let's hear it. Finish it. Come on, finish it. Pretend it's a plate of pancakes. Finish it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Finish it.

[Paulie Shore]

Finish it.

[Brandon Ferris]

More of a French toes guy, but

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'll still do it.

[Michael Hines]

There you go.

[Paulie Shore]

Okay.

[Brandon Ferris]

Sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at that, Ash.

[Paulie Shore]

Oh, I'm more of a blunt guy these days. Want to take your seat back?

[Redban]

Yeah, let's swap.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Swap. I swear it's the last time I'm doing Dr. Phil. Don't miss it. December 18th. I love you. December 16th.

[Redban]

December 16th, Wil Theater, Los Angeles.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I love being back to me.

[Adam Ray]

Okay, how did that go? I'll tell you, I was just out back peeing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Didn't hear a lot.

[Brandon Ferris]

I felt like they're laughing at me, not with me right now, but no, it was good.

[Adam Ray]

Were you once the catcher for the. In the movie the Sandlot?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now you're all grown up. This is how you ended up.

[Brandon Ferris]

I've been in a little bit of waiting. Lost journey. I've gained 30 pounds.

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

It's not going good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is Brandon, right?

[Brandon Ferris]

Yes, sir.

[Adam Ray]

Brandon, you've been on the show once before.

[Kendall Jr.]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

And you cried. You got a little emotional last time.

[Brandon Ferris]

Yeah, I lost it like a little girl.

[Adam Ray]

No, it's fine. It's good. You showed your true feelings.

[Brandon Ferris]

Yeah, I'm holding it together right now today.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

How's life changed since you were on Kill Tony?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, go ahead, Brandon.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, answer the question, Brandon.

[Brandon Ferris]

I don't want to be known as the crying guy, but it's been great. I. I'm a huge fan of the show. Love the community. Been. Been hitting mics and other shows and trying to get better at the craft.

[Adam Ray]

You say you've been hitting mics. Are we talking about Jersey mics or.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm not.

[Brandon Ferris]

Yeah, maybe.

[Adam Ray]

What else has been going on in life, Brandon?

[Brandon Ferris]

I've been doing VR comedy. So like I actually won a thousand dollar contest and got paid to do comedy in VR.

[Adam Ray]

You won a thousand dollars doing VR comedy?

[Brandon Ferris]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Wow. Redman is our senior VR correspondent.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Taylor Boss]

Cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, there you go. The keyword being V there in actual

[Adam Ray]

reality, not much, much going on. But in virtual reality, you guys are living your dreams.

[Brandon Ferris]

Just trying to. Yeah, it's been. It's been fun. I've been away. Been away for me because I have family. Can't get out to mics as much. So I've been trying to hone the craft, write more jokes. And there's like real people in the thing. Most of my furries, but you know, work with you work with.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's your avatar?

[Brandon Ferris]

Spider Man. From the spider verse in the pink robe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm gonna kill everybody in this room.

[Michael Hines]

I'm sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is unbelievable. This is just. This is what fat guys do, by the way. They go to VR and like I'm Spider man now. I can jump around in virtual world.

[Adam Ray]

Look at me. I can.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can run in virtual reality.

[Martin Phillips]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If I just press down this toggle

[Adam Ray]

button, I can do what I can do now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, watch. I'm going to kick myself in the head. Pain free kick in the head.

[Brandon Ferris]

Thanks for showing the last one. That was good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What am I missing here?

[Adam Ray]

What would you ask Brandon if you saw his set?

[Redban]

Yeah, I missed the first couple jokes. What is there like a joke that you didn't do, I guess that you feel like maybe you. Because I know sometimes you get nervous when you come out here, right? You might forgot something you wanted to do.

[Brandon Ferris]

I didn't. I was planning on going into another joke from there, but then I lost. Well, didn't lose a moment. It just felt like the room was laughing. So I just kind of soaking that in.

[Redban]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw you kind of like just kind of milking a mo.

[Ian Edwards]

Is it?

[Redban]

Could we hear one more joke or.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, let's hear one more joke from Brandon Farris.

[Brandon Ferris]

I've been wanting to start this new thing called Only Dads. It's wholesome. It's where I say things to you like, hey, Tony, I'm proud of you. Or red band, we probably shouldn't do that. And then just like your real dad, when your subscription expires, I leave.

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

Bye.

[Adam Ray]

All right, Brandon got a reaction.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That must kill in virtual reality.

[Martin Phillips]

Dang it.

[Adam Ray]

All right, what does he get, little or big? What'd you end up with last time?

[Brandon Ferris]

I got a big one because I cried, but my daughter wants me to

[Adam Ray]

get a little one here. Guess what she wants. There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Daughter gets.

[Ian Edwards]

I've been what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Daughter wants. There goes Brandon Ferris, everybody.

[Brandon Ferris]

I'm a. Oh, my daughter's been doing comedy. Would you. Would you be open to giving her a minute?

[Adam Ray]

What are you talking about? How old's your daughter?

[Brandon Ferris]

She's. She's 8 and the other one's 11.

[Adam Ray]

Now we can't. We're not allowed to have people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not at.

[Adam Ray]

Not at this venue. Because it serves so much alcohol.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a secret show.

[Redban]

Red band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, red band. Yeah, Red band wants to know how big her tits are before he books her. Is it still flat or is there a little something there? She might get the spot. What's her avatar? Yeah, Huge.

[Brandon Ferris]

She's got huge knockers.

[Adam Ray]

There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes. Brandon Ferris. I was just kidding. We don't really want to know what your daughter's tits are like. There goes Brandon, everybody. Final bucket poll of the night, ladies and gentlemen. Goes by the Name of Kendall Jr. Everybody. Here we go.

[Adam Ray]

Kendall Jr.

[Kendall Jr.]

So I got a violent hand job from an Indian lady named Shiva. Many hands. So I love watching nude movie scenes with my parents. Something too crazy. Just something where the dude might perhaps have his cock out. But it's mainly from my mom's reaction, though, because, you know, she'll be looking for my dad. Like, honey, is that. Is that real? My dad's like, don't worry, baby. He just fluff that shit up. It's what they do. My dad has a small penis apparently, which means I got mine from my mom. I've been thinking about if they made a gay porn parody of Men in Black, but they just called it Men in Black Men. All right, thank you.

[Adam Ray]

There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Kendall Jr. Wow. T madness with. With the bass riff, that says it all.

[Adam Ray]

Kendall, how long have you been doing stand up comedy? This is a million dollar question here.

[Kendall Jr.]

One year.

[Adam Ray]

One year. Okay.

[Kendall Jr.]

Yeah. Last October. Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Okay. You work hard at it. Do you do it like a few times a week?

[Kendall Jr.]

Yeah, yeah, like every week? Like two to four.

[Adam Ray]

How many times have you signed up for this show?

[Kendall Jr.]

Five. This is my fifth time.

[Adam Ray]

And, and then your first time on the show, correct?

[Kendall Jr.]

Yes.

[Redban]

Yes.

[Adam Ray]

Okay. What do you do for work?

[Kendall Jr.]

I'm disabled. I don't.

[Mohamed Youall]

What.

[Adam Ray]

How.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What.

[Adam Ray]

What's Disabled. About you?

[Kendall Jr.]

I have a. I had, like, bad back surgeries, like, since I was 18, so.

[Mohamed Youall]

Why.

[Adam Ray]

What was wrong with your back?

[Kendall Jr.]

I had kyphosis and scoliosis, so they had to do the spinal fusion, like, top to bottom type of thing. It kind of. Yeah, it's a little. It's a lot.

[Adam Ray]

Okay, but you. You're on disability.

[Kendall Jr.]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Okay.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Kendall Jr.]

It gives me a unique opportunity to kind of dive into. I had a.

[Brian Holtzman]

Like.

[Kendall Jr.]

Yeah, pretty. A lot to talk about.

[Adam Ray]

What do you mean?

[Kendall Jr.]

Oh, like, in comedy, I feel like there's a lot of, like, material. Like, I used to be, like, a fat heroin addict because of it. Oh, not because of it, but the heroin was sort of from the. So, like, there's a lot of material.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sure.

[Adam Ray]

How did you stumble into heroin?

[Kendall Jr.]

Well, it was. Well, like, prescriptions over prescribing, and it feels really good. And then you're like, well, I have a bad back. I could just kind of, you know. But no, it.

[Adam Ray]

So it started as a pain pill addiction.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Kendall Jr.]

Pain pill addiction. You kind of.

[Adam Ray]

And then it got out of control.

[Kendall Jr.]

It got out of control.

[Adam Ray]

You know, someone's like, hey, this was like, 25th.

[Owen Galavin]

Yeah.

[Kendall Jr.]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Try this.

[Mohamed Youall]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Who recommended heroin to you?

[Kendall Jr.]

A buddy of mine who's a good friend. He's dead now.

[Adam Ray]

How did he die?

[Kendall Jr.]

No, I think he's. His soul died long ago.

[Redban]

He's this guy's notice. Knows what I'm talking about.

[William Montgomery]

Sorry.

[Redban]

All right.

[Kendall Jr.]

No, he's still out there. I don't know, man. A couple people have died. I've. Yeah. But, you know, neither here nor there. I got out. I'm seven years clean.

[Redban]

Feel.

[Kendall Jr.]

Yeah. Wow. That felt better than heroin. I'll say. Let's say that.

[Adam Ray]

Wow. When the doctor put you out for your back surgery, was he like, you'll be right back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pointing to your back.

[Redban]

So easy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is it pointing. Pointing to the back? Oh, yeah, you'll be right back. You see what I'm trying to.

[Adam Ray]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's not easy. It's not easy doing back jokes. You'll be right back.

[Kendall Jr.]

Well, I kind of was, like, four hours later, I had to do emergency surgery, so he was like, yeah, you'll be right back.

[Adam Ray]

Your arms are big. Is that from. Because you used to be fat? It looks like you.

[Dedrick Flynn]

A little bit of both.

[Kendall Jr.]

I have, like, exercise. You know, diet and exercise take you along.

[Adam Ray]

You're, like, built like Popeye or something like that. You have an interesting build. You have, like, a.

[Kendall Jr.]

Thank you.

[Adam Ray]

You small head for your big frame.

[Kendall Jr.]

Yeah, yeah, it's. Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Okay.

[Kendall Jr.]

We're working on it. Slowly. It used to be rounder, you know, they had to, like, roll me around.

[Adam Ray]

Where are you from? I'm getting, like, West Virginia. Virginia vibes. Somewhere around there. Houston. Oh, yeah. The West Virginia of Texas. Perfect.

[Kendall Jr.]

That's funny. That's good.

[Adam Ray]

Okay, so disability all the way. You don't make money anyway? You don't have a gambling problem or.

[Kendall Jr.]

No, I try to stay away from. This is the only adrenaline type of, you know, wise. Ish.

[Adam Ray]

How old are you?

[Kendall Jr.]

34.

[Adam Ray]

What's your love life like?

[Kendall Jr.]

I have a girlfriend. She's kind. She's really. Yeah, it's awesome.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, she's kind.

[Kendall Jr.]

Yeah.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Adam Ray]

Nothing gets me quite as excited as kindness.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Kendall Jr.]

No, no, she's.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Kendall Jr.]

Yeah. I have a. Yeah.

[Ian Edwards]

On a scale of 1 to 10, how kind is she?

[Redban]

Great question, Ian.

[Kendall Jr.]

Spinal Tap. Spinal Tap, it goes to 11, you know.

[Ian Edwards]

All right, so what's the scale?

[Kendall Jr.]

Oh, she used to be heavy. She used to be heavier. But no, she's like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you guys.

[Adam Ray]

Did you guys lose weight together?

[Kendall Jr.]

No. No, no, no.

[William Montgomery]

This is.

[Kendall Jr.]

I met. I met her a few months back.

[Ian Edwards]

Are you on heroin now?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no.

[Adam Ray]

How heavy were you?

[Kendall Jr.]

At one point, I was almost 360. I say 355.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

I know.

[Kendall Jr.]

I say three because it's like, you know, I'm on my fat week. I'm a little fluffy this week.

[Adam Ray]

I'm like, gotcha. So you were 360. What was she.

[Kendall Jr.]

At one point, she was, I think, like 260. She's like. She's well under that now. But I didn't. I didn't meet her then, so I would.

[Adam Ray]

I would have been.

[Kendall Jr.]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Kendall Jr.]

No. I know what it takes. I know what it takes to get

[Owen Galavin]

out of the gutter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Do you guys sometimes get your loose skin tangled up with each other's?

[Dedrick Flynn]

Hers.

[Kendall Jr.]

Hers is. No, no, it's. No, it's good.

[Adam Ray]

I'm just kidding. All right, Kendall, before I let you go, craziest thing about you or your life?

[Kendall Jr.]

Craziest thing. I once myself walking into an HB while trying to drop off prescriptions for opiates, and then it's. I had to continue dropping it off and, like, it was just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Kendall Jr.]

I had boots on, though, and jeans. So it was.

[Adam Ray]

Now was the. Now was it because you knew you were about to get the opiates?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, you get excited to the doctor already?

[Kendall Jr.]

Oh, no.

[Owen Galavin]

It was like.

[Kendall Jr.]

It was a hard opiate. It was Opana. I suggest they Stopped it. It was stronger than heroin. So, like, it led me to kind of like I was like, oh, heroin, this is it.

[Adam Ray]

So it, like, relaxed your sphincter and

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

that's why you should say that.

[Kendall Jr.]

You could say that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I mean, I could say that.

[Adam Ray]

I did say that, but I'm asking you say that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was it because of the prescription or.

[Kendall Jr.]

It's the withdrawals, you know, the withdrawals just, like, make everything. It was like diarrhea. Plus, you're probably relaxed.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kendall Jr.]

But then you're, like, uptight, so it's like, you know.

[Adam Ray]

Wow. Sounds like a red band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A red band bit on a Thursday night at the secret show. Diarrhea mixed with. All right, well, what's the.

[Redban]

Can I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just one thing.

[Redban]

Heroin is, like, when you do it. It's not like weed, where you're like, let's play Xbox.

[Paulie Shore]

Like, you do heroin and, like, what's

[Redban]

the go to activity?

[Kendall Jr.]

I've cleaned before, you know, it's like one of those things where it's like, after a while, it gives you energy, it makes you normal. But at first you're just like, I want to, like, put on a film or something, you know?

[Redban]

What film?

[Kendall Jr.]

No, I. I used to. I used to like putting on Rushmore, like, Bottle Rocket or something stupid.

[Redban]

You look like me if I started doing heroin.

[Kendall Jr.]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't.

[Redban]

Yeah, well, don't tell me how to live my life, but yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Well, Kendall, you did it. Here's a little joke book.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes. Kendall junior, ladies and gentlemen. Well, what an episode it's been. Who can forget Martin Phillips? Amazing opening. And then a lot of fat military people. And then the darkest man in the history of the show, Muhammad you all. Derek Flynn, Stevie One Leg Wonder. So much happen. There's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen, and it is with the hall of famer with the record for most appearances ever on this show, most interviews ever on this show, the reigning defending super regular of Kiltoni. Some people call him the Vanilla Gorilla. The Memphis Strangler, the Prince of Pancakes. The big red Michelle Machine. This is William Montgomery.

[William Montgomery]

Hey, Red band. I'm still thinking about y' all fat ass kicking your leg up. Just in case anybody was wondering. I still haven't heard back from medical school yet, so I'm coming out to Smokey in the Bandit remake. But the truckers are all wearing turbines and sideswiping minivans and gutting illegal u turns going 75 miles an hour. Hey, Redband, I saw that you got a colonoscopy recently. I'm wondering, did it hurt when they put the tube in your nose? What if instead of planet Earth, we watched planet Jupiter?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dude, that would have been such a long show.

[William Montgomery]

Okay, that's my time.

[Martin Phillips]

Thank you.

[William Montgomery]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William Montgomery gracing us with not one, but two Red band jokes.

[William Montgomery]

Dude, tonight I couldn't believe his fucking crazy ass. I can't believe you were able to do that Red Band kick your fucking head.

[Adam Ray]

Well, he wasn't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, he tore his belly button at one point.

[Adam Ray]

Can you imagine that? Can you imagine what Red band's belly button must look like? What do you think that looks like, William?

[William Montgomery]

If you think it probably has a bunch of purpley veins in the inside once you get through the hair on the inside. Because I've seen his ass naked many times.

[Adam Ray]

I believe Bubba Fett fell into it

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

in episode three of Star wars and

[Adam Ray]

Return of the Jedi.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The. The.

[Adam Ray]

What is that? The snarlac. What is it? The sarlacc pit. Sarlacc. That's what many people describe his belly button like, which is now torn. William, let's talk about it. You are two weeks out of being super viral now

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the world is talking about it. I basically think it's a. A lot of people. And it was. It was heavily talked about at Skank Fest. You were talked about.

[William Montgomery]

What did people say?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Everybody says everybody there, every comedian there thinks it is the funniest thing they've ever seen in their entire lives. They think that's the way to enjoy William Montgomery. People are.

[Adam Ray]

The comedians are like, that's a brilliant special.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is do your stuff in front of a hip alt, you know, audience that's literally there to see something else.

[Adam Ray]

I heard it compared to somebody there said that. It was like, oh, God. What was. Was like if tool opened up for pink,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

somebody said something like that. And it makes perfect sense because you

[Adam Ray]

just are totally different. You're a different type of thing. It was the right thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

At the beginning, Tony. It was kind of hurting my feelings. But I've been good. I don't really look at really look at anything because it doesn't really matter. But I start thinking about it, Tony. I'm thinking, well, what is the prop? So what if I do comedy? I'm not allowed to bomb people. Just never bought. I just. That's. That's all I didn't understand. And then that's used. That confused me. Just because I don't know. It doesn't matter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bomb William. That odd. You didn't bomb William.

[William Montgomery]

God, Redband. Seriously, you're the last person I want to hear anything nice from, you dumbass. Seriously, you're the last idiot I want to hear anything from right now. I'm not feeling real great right now, just generally speaking, so I don't really want to hear you right now. Seriously. Seriously. Kind of been feeling down today, so. Seriously, I don't want to hear you again. Thank you.

[Paulie Shore]

Thank you, though.

[William Montgomery]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's very great.

[William Montgomery]

I think you mean well. I think you mean well.

[Adam Ray]

Wow. I love it.

[William Montgomery]

But, yeah, Tony, I ended up doing a show in Jackson, Mississippi, on Thursday, and thank God it felt good. So I was able to get the other set out of my head, and then I ended up going to the Grove, to Oxford on Saturday. Ole Miss was playing Florida, and I was wearing Florida stuff, And, Tony, I walked down this thing called the Walk of Champions, and I felt like I was back at the show where everybody was booing me so bad. It was horrible. I guess all the fraternity people are lining up on each side of the fence, and they're all screaming, and they were all screaming at me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They were saying, oh, you spent money on those clothes.

[William Montgomery]

They kept on saying stuff like that. They were talking about my mom. Yeah. Spending money on the clothes that hurt me. For some reason, they were just screaming at me. And then this one guy. One guy recognized me, and we shake hands in the midst of all of this chaos. And then the guy next to him, he also goes out to shake my hand, and then he pulls his hand up, and they all laugh real. And I'm thinking, okay, I just got to keep moving forward through this fucking horrible situation. I felt literally like a Jewish person going to a.

[Redban]

Say it, say it, say it.

[William Montgomery]

But no, I mean, that's really what I was thinking. Like, he's like the one buddy I see in the crowd, and he's, like, helping me kind of, but then he can't because everybody else hates me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Redban]

This guy knows what I'm talking about right now. Them, dude. First of all, I saw that clip. It made me so happy because I adore you. And you were so. You stayed in the pocket. You stayed. You. You committed, you powered through. And, yeah, you don't get better when you crush all the time, but, you know, just. That audience didn't pick up on it.

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

It.

[Redban]

It's their fault.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah. Them. I don't give a.

[Redban]

You know how many people you bring joy to all the time.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, I don't give a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you hurt. You hurt yourself.

[William Montgomery]

No.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, so what else you been Doing this week you wrote a new Smokey and the Bandit joke in between two red band jokes.

[William Montgomery]

Yes, the dad wrote that.

[Adam Ray]

Where do you. What makes you write a Smokey in the band?

[William Montgomery]

I watched Smokey and the Bandit this past week down in Mississippi.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh.

[William Montgomery]

And I was.

[Ian Edwards]

And then.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah. And then I'm thinking, okay, let's make it.

[Mohamed Youall]

Let's.

[William Montgomery]

It's for the people. Let's think turbines. Just turban. Just saying people with turbines I think is funny. And I was like, okay, what's something dangerous you do in a car? Okay. Sideswiping people 75 miles an hour. Stuff like that.

[Adam Ray]

So that's the process.

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

Yeah.

[Sebastian Santa Maria]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

Just smoking a bunch of weed.

[Adam Ray]

Is there anything that you like to snack on when you're writing? Snack on or drink?

[William Montgomery]

Well, I haven't been able to do the row machine in three weeks now, Tony. I think that's why today I was feeling a little down and red band. Don't shake your head. Yes at that. Seriously, don't even look at me right now. Seriously, don't even look at me right now. I've been feeling down today. I'm not even kidding. Don't look at me right now. But yeah, I haven't been able to do the row machine in three weeks. So I got to get back on that.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, yeah, he's eating it. His glasses right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's got edible. Edible. Oh, Jesus. Red band. Okay.

[William Montgomery]

It's kind of like my dick and his mom's mouth the other night, this kind of slap. So, yeah, she's so old, so it's just kind of slobber out at her.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What else does his mom do when you're with her?

[William Montgomery]

I'm kidding. That was mean. No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Adam Ray]

All right.

[William Montgomery]

Rebbe is going to go to me crying after them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's all.

[William Montgomery]

I'm like a little a. That's why I thought I'd get off on him on that one. He's gonna cry about that one after.

[Adam Ray]

You think so?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William, you're so funny. Oh, my God, I love it.

[Adam Ray]

I just love it. Do you have any other big crazy gigs planned? You perhaps opening up for a church choir at some point in the near future?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anything like that? Any big paydays coming up?

[Adam Ray]

You opening up for perhaps the. At the school for the deaf or something?

[William Montgomery]

Oklahoma City. I'll be in Oklahoma City. In Tulsa, Oklahoma, in middle of December. Then I gotta figure out stuff for next year. And there. There's stuff going on there, right? Oh, like a bunch of just different stuff going on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What Kind of stuff is going on.

[William Montgomery]

Stress today.

[Adam Ray]

What are you stressing?

[William Montgomery]

I'm not talking about it right now.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, boy. Really?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, yeah. No way, no way, no way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's no.

[William Montgomery]

Just no way. Yeah. Kind of big things going on.

[Adam Ray]

You have great ducks on your shirt.

[William Montgomery]

Thank you so much.

[Adam Ray]

Where do you get a shirt like this?

[Mohamed Youall]

EBay.

[Adam Ray]

EBay? Yeah. You get a lot of stuff off ebay?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah. Recently I've been getting a bunch of oriental rugs off ebay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. What else you been getting off ebay?

[William Montgomery]

Mainly just oriental rugs, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Adam Ray]

How many oriental rugs have you gotten?

[William Montgomery]

15.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. What are you doing with all these rugs?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, I'm going through it right now, Tony. I'm real sad. So I've just been getting fucking oriental rugs off of fucking ebay. Like, really cool looking ones. Like, they. They look very cool. Like I'm proud of. I feel good about them, but every now and again they'll smell. I fucking open them up out of the package and they fucking smell like mildew or something. And I just think, God, I'm gonna jump off of the building. Building tonight.

[Stevie Oneleg Wonder]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

This is a sign.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Adam Ray]

And what's. Explain to the audience what the difference between a regular rug and an oriental rug is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do they come. Do they. Do they perhaps come with a little seasoning packet in the pot

[Adam Ray]

like the ramen noodles do? What's the difference between a regular rug and an oriental rug?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're.

[Adam Ray]

You're the master of it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've bought 15 of them, according to you. So it should be a pretty easy question.

[Adam Ray]

Is it the design? Is it. Do they come with.

[William Montgomery]

Tony, That's a great question. I don't know. I don't know.

[Adam Ray]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

Just a look thing. It's a touch thing. I get them shipped to my door. Oh, and by the way, just recently, this little thing I want to get off my chest, whoever the piece is who's working at FedEx, who refuses to walk up my steps, you have to walk up to get to my fucking apartment. You're a dumbass. Literally, today I was getting something delivered to the apartment, and the person just takes a picture from the outside. Somebody with me. That's what I've been getting real paranoid, Tony. I'm thinking, oh, they see my name on here. They heard about the horrible sud. Oh, they refused to take my packages up to my place. I swear to God. That's where I'm at right now.

[Adam Ray]

Have you thought about getting another escalator?

[William Montgomery]

No, no, no.

[Mohamed Youall]

Why?

[William Montgomery]

People get on fights on Them.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, they do.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

That's a thing?

[William Montgomery]

Yes.

[Adam Ray]

Adam.

[Redban]

Ray, you said you had. You have 15 oriental rugs.

[William Montgomery]

Yes, but I'm. I'm. I'm figuring it out. I don't think I'm going to ultimately end up with 15.

[Ian Edwards]

Do you.

[Redban]

Do they pad. Tie the room together, or does it.

[Paulie Shore]

Okay.

[Brian Holtzman]

All right.

[Redban]

Not everything's gonna crush tonight. Did you. Did you buy them, like, for a specific reason, or is it just out of, like, boredom? Like a boredom purchase?

[William Montgomery]

Oh, it's just some. It's a hardware. I'm d. I'm working with hardwood floors, and I have to. I'm getting rugs. Yeah, it's been fun. I spend hours just looking at the pictures and reading different stuff. Then I look back at the pictures, and then I look at the dimensions, and then I go measure stuff for three hours. Then it seems very inefficient, but it's kind of fun.

[John Chaney]

Wow.

[Adam Ray]

Amazing. William, is there anything else you want to say to these people?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, it's been real weird recently, Tony. It's a lot of measuring. I'm not even kidding.

[Adam Ray]

What are you measuring? Do you have a. You have a tape measure?

[William Montgomery]

Yes.

[Adam Ray]

And you use. You have a little tiny one?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, it's a little small one. So I have to make little marks on the floor. When I'm doing, like, 15ft, I have to make, like, 15 different marks. It's like a foot long.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

And that's stupid? Kind of.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah. That's crazy.

[Ian Edwards]

So, like, making a carpet out of all the rugs.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, making one big carpet, and I'm just putting them all on top of each other. You'll love it, Tony. You'll come see it.

[Adam Ray]

I can't wait to see your compilation of oriental rugs. Is there anything else you're passionate about this week?

[Ian Edwards]

Are rugs okay with being called oriental or is that cool?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, yeah, that's what they are. Oriental rugs.

[Ian Edwards]

Yeah.

[Kendall Jr.]

Yeah.

[Ian Edwards]

Just checking.

[William Montgomery]

I don't know. Now I'm thinking maybe some of the people at that show a couple weeks ago, they would hear me say oriental rugs, and they wouldn't even like that. And I'd be. It's like. I mean, nothing. I mean, nothing by it. And that's all going to be, oh, he's saying oriental. And

[Redban]

I think you're right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know what my mom sees in him. Like, really. Like, I just. I just don't understand. Like, I ask her all the time, like, mom, what. What do you think?

[Paulie Shore]

Thank you, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some noise for the great William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. We did it. That's another episode. Thank you to Blue Chew and quote, adam Ray's new special or new theater tour, who is Me is happening. Tickets are on sale @adam ray comedy.com

[Adam Ray]

the Final Dr. Phil Live from the one and only.

[Mohamed Youall]

What is it?

[Adam Ray]

The Wiltern theater. That's right. December 16th.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's the final Dr. Phil show. I mean, it is an absolute blowout.

[Adam Ray]

I would be able to make it there, but it's on a Monday. On a Tuesday. But I have the Monday thing. It's crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ian Edwards new special untitled is out now. Check out Ian Edwards stand up on YouTube. That's Ian Edwards. Stand up one more time for the best stand band in the land, red band. Check out sunsetstripatx.com secret show every Thursday. We love you guys. Your last chance to get tickets for the one and only Moody Center New Year's Eve.

[Adam Ray]

All you people that say, I try to get tickets, it's your only chance.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

New Year's Eve live from the Moody Center. It's going to be a hell of a blowout. Way to end 2025 live audience thank you so much. God bless you and God bless the United States of America.

[Adam Ray]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good night, everybody. SAM. The Sunset Strip Comedy club in Austin, Texas, is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Sa.