#728 - GREG FITZSIMMONS

Summary

Kill Tony #728 – Greg Fitzsimmons

Date: July 22, 2025
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX
Special Guest: Greg Fitzsimmons
Hosts: Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban
Notable Regulars: William Montgomery, David Lucas, Fiona Cauley, Ari Matti, and others

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Overall Theme & Purpose

This packed episode of Kill Tony showcases the show’s signature comedic mayhem — a mix of unfiltered stand-up, on-the-spot interviews, and fast-paced roast humor. The presence of acclaimed comic Greg Fitzsimmons adds both barbed wit and veteran gravitas, making for sharp commentary and classic Kill Tony crowdwork. Tonight's episode is hallmarked by high-energy bucket pulls, standout regular appearances, and a broad spectrum of comedic styles, including the bizarre, bold, and occasionally downright uncomfortable.

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Key Discussion Points & Segment Breakdowns

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Opening & Introduction

[00:00–03:19]

• Redban and Tony kick off the show, lauding the “best band in the land” and hyping up Greg Fitzsimmons’ return as a record-holding guest.
• Tony’s energy sets the stage: “You never know what’ll happen. Sometimes we crush dreams, sometimes we amplify them. Absolutely, anything can happen.”
  — Tony Hinchcliffe [03:33]

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Guest Introduction & Tone Setting

[03:19–03:33]

• Greg Fitzsimmons greets the crowd, jokes about launching dreams or lighting up the suicide hotline.
  • “Let’s launch some dreams. Or light up the suicide hotline.” — Greg Fitzsimmons [03:19]
• 201 comics have signed up for the bucket — a “light” signup for the night.

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Notable Comedian Segments

Golden Ticket Winner: Jack Shaw

[04:54–10:46]

• Jokes about his dad struggling (and failing) with trans pronouns and LA coffee culture.
• Discusses a drag show “foot in the butthole” act, and riffs on his own Jewish background and relationship.
• Highlights: Crowdwork about his dad’s hatred of Starbucks in “trans-friendly” Silver Lake, chitchat about his penis, and a back-and-forth roast with Tony and Greg.
  • “He gets an ice shaken espresso because my dad's a little girl.” — Jack Shaw [06:52]
  • Tony calls Jack “wilted,” and Jack throws “aids” jabs around, leading to a raucous start.

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Jesse Saldana: Abortion, Drugs, & Showers

[11:18–19:17]

• Jesse, a Houston comic, riffs about almost becoming a dad right after Roe v. Wade was overturned, differences between Mexican and white girlfriends, and his job selling showers.
• Claims to have gotten abortion pills “from Mexico.”
  • “You could get high and then sell showers. You think it would mess you up a little bit?” — Tony [13:59]
• Admits to a previous career as a juvenile probation officer, lost due to his own criminal record (drunk driving).

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Alex Hurtlein (Birthmark Comedy & Bullying)

[21:07–29:39]

• Opens with jokes about being mistaken for an abuse victim due to a large, hairy birthmark.
• Crowdwork from Tony and Greg about his love life, childhood bullying, and the logistics of shaving the birthmark.
  • “I used to go door to door selling ‘no soliciting’ signs.” — Alex [25:07]
• Reveals a history of bullying, including the nickname “chocolate chip cookie.”

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AJ Iglesias (Software, Ethnic Identity, and Breakups)

[30:05–37:40]

• Jokes about looking white with a Latino surname and labor jobs.
• Reveals a job testing self-driving cars for Zooks (Amazon-owned).
• Talks about his recent breakup; his girlfriend left him for California (and women).
  • “I moved her from California… she was here two months and left… now I just have a nicer apartment.” — AJ [33:14]

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Fiona Cauley (France, Disability, Dollywood)

[38:14–46:07]

• Describes a trip to France and Dollywood, her bachelorette party, and the perks of “fast pass” for disability.
• Does mushrooms at Dollywood, gets recognized while peaking, and reminisces about a college cocaine phase.
  • “I did coke for the first time and I started doing cartwheels.” — Fiona [43:57]
  • On disability: “To get the best pass as a disabled person, they bring you in this little office and they question you… one of the questions was, do you have the upper body strength to hold yourself in place? And I was like, that’s fucking cunt.” [45:12]

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Sir Winston Pickles (Clown-standup Fusion, Feature Set)

[47:02–55:55]

• 60-year-old English clown-standup hybrid, recently moved to Austin.
• Deadpan, dark material with clown persona — crowd and panel instantly love his delivery.
  • “I try to stay in shape, just like the teenage girl next door…” — Sir Winston [47:02]
  • Given extra stage time by Tony: Clown material, cruise ship stories (even admits some parts are fictional), and commentary on cruise ship overboard stats.
  • “It’s hard to make fun of a guy who, you know, you’re just kind of in awe of. I mean, I think you’re hilarious.” — Greg Fitzsimmons [50:24]
• Reveals he avoids clown fetishists: “They're fucking weird.” [54:24]

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Offender (The Rough Side of the Bucket)

[56:35–62:23]

• Struggles with crowd; jokes about quitting cigarettes replaced with a “big black cock” visualization.
• Lives in a short bus, has hit 312 open mics in six months, does comedy full-time.
• Admits to prison history, has a Kill Tony bingo board tattooed on his thigh.
  • “I had been to prison. I mean, I know prison had effect on me… now instead of buying [women] flowers, I just give them honey buns.” — Offender [62:04]

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Sonny Castillo (Used Dog, Courthouse Job, Gentrification)

[62:44–68:47]

• Classic bits on adopting a “used dog” and then a “used girlfriend” from a shelter.
• Works at a courthouse, helps people avoid arrest; from East Austin, discusses gentrification, police, family size (80 cousins).
  • “They ruined our neighborhood, but they also made some of my people some money...now we have sidewalks, never had those before.” — Sonny [68:37]

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Hall of Famer: David Lucas (Roast King, Plane Crash and Race Bits)

[69:45–78:41]

• Delivers hard-edged jokes about an Indian plane crash, tech support, the Middle East, and roasts Tony, Greg, and D Madness.
  • “If Tony was a gamer, he’d play Call of Booty.” — David Lucas [71:30]
  • “You look like you just got bit by a vampire… You need a blood transfusion.” — David roasting Greg [75:28]
• Talks about working out, weight loss, and shares a story about the “Rainbow House” for people with HIV in Georgia.

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Ari Matti (Estonian Assassin, Movie Diversity Bits)

[99:35–106:25]

• Strong set about Hollywood diversity “gone wild” (e.g. gay James Bond, black Taken), cultural jokes about Estonia, Estonian holidays, “bogs,” and national identity.
  • “In Estonia… all our holidays are like ‘on this day, 50,000 men, women, and children…’ — Ari Matti [101:36]
  • “Shrek is about an imperialistic government taking a man swamp. It’s our Schindler's List.” [104:39]
• Quick Q&A on Estonian victories, traditions, and playing gigs back home.

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William Montgomery (The Closer — Surrealist Southern Comedy)

[111:18–118:32]

• Jokes about turning gay in Dollar General, camp and rescue stories, puzzles (“I have two in the chamber”), and his carotid artery diagnosis.
  • “Go to your oven set to 420 degrees. Doesn’t matter if you don’t have anything to cook.” [112:19]
• Classic crowdwork and absurd asides.
• William’s delivery veers into the surreal, and his dynamic with Tony and Greg is a strong finish.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• Crowdwork Highlight:

  • Tony: “You get high and sell showers?”
    Jesse: “It’s hard to talk to old people when you’re high.”
    — [14:09]

• Greg on Sir Winston Pickles:

  • “It’s hard to make fun of a guy you’re just in awe of. I think you’re hilarious.” — [50:24]

• Fiona on Disability:

  • “Perks trip for being disabled… the fast pass… cruel irony they call it the fast pass, that’s gotta hurt.” — [40:43]

• David Lucas Classic Roast:

  • “If Tony was a gamer, he play call of booty…” — [71:30]

• William Montgomery on Day Camp:

  • “Honkies be crazy, man. I don’t know. I was scared of getting homesick… I used to love making pottery at day camp.” — [115:00]

• Ari Matti’s Estonian History:

  • "In Estonia… all our holidays are like ‘on this day, 50,000 men, women, and children…’” — [102:11]
  • “Shrek is about an imperialistic government taking a man’s swamp. It’s our Schindler’s List.” — [104:39]

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Episode Structure — Notable Timestamps

• 03:19 – Panel introductions, crowd hyping
• 04:54 – Jack Shaw’s set, first Golden Ticket
• 11:18 – Jesse Saldana, abortion story
• 21:07 – Alex Hurtlein, birthmark, bullying
• 30:05 – AJ Iglesias, ethnic identity, breakup
• 38:14 – Fiona Cauley, France, Dollywood, bachelorette
• 47:02 – Sir Winston Pickles, featured clown set
• 56:35 – Offender, difficult set
• 62:44 – Sonny Castillo, courthouse job, family
• 69:45 – David Lucas, roast segment
• 99:35 – Ari Matti, Estonian observations
• 111:18 – William Montgomery, closer

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Final Thoughts & Tone

The episode is a whirlwind of comic styles and personalities: from the tragic to the triumphant, the raw amateur to the polished regular. Greg Fitzsimmons' sardonic humor and professional poise help anchor the chaos, while Tony and Redban deftly riff through the energy highs and bucket lows. The recurring themes of cultural clashes (Indians in America, Estonian traditions), sex and relationships, and the realities of life (jail, disabilities, job woes) are all mined for humor with the show’s trademark irreverence.

The episode is quintessential Kill Tony: unpredictable, inclusive of the misfits, and ultimately a raucous celebration of live comedy — with comics both new and seasoned daring to launch, or crash, their dreams.

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Recommended Segments to Watch

• Sir Winston Pickles’ Clown Set & Encore: [47:02–55:55]
• David Lucas Roasting Panel & Band: [69:45–78:41]
• Ari Matti’s Movie & Cultural Jokes: [99:35–106:25]
• William Montgomery’s Bizarre Southern Closer: [111:18–118:32]

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Greg Fitzsimmons:

• “It’s hard to make fun of a guy who, you know, you’re just kind of in awe of.” [50:24]

Tony Hinchcliffe:

• “Sometimes we crush dreams, sometimes we amplify them. Absolutely, anything can happen.” [03:33]

William Montgomery:

• “Honkies be crazy, man…” [115:00]

---

For fans of live, raw, and honest comedy — this is an episode not to miss.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhenchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony, Henchcliffe. You can also check out Shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever. Shopsquad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony. Hence, Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? Makes noise for Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. And that is indeed. Keep it going for the best damn band in the land. Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo. Fernando Castillo. Theo Nachos, Belgrande, Cheesy Chalupa, Michael Gonzalez on the drums, that's Big Mike. Everybody gets a little bit bigger every week. How about Matt Muhling on the electric guitar? This is John Dees on the keys and that is indeed D Madness. Live in the flesh. You are here, Kill Tony. Brought to you by Nicked and Openphone. Tonight we have a lot of other amazing spots, sponsors. Here's a little bit more from them before we start the greatest show on earth. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Every single week I book one or two of the funniest people in the world. This is a one guest episode because he's literally one of the best in the history of the show. For those of you that have been watching for the last 12 years, you will probably note that this guy is one of the record holders for all time appearances as a guest on the show. I grew up on this guy, listening to him on Howard Stern. When I started at the Comedy Store 18 years ago, I realized, wow. Without a doubt, one of the best stand up comedians on planet Earth. 12 years ago when we started the show, he began as a guest. He's back tonight. Ladies and gentlemen. Let's see how loud this place can get. For the great and powerful, great Fitzsimmons, everybody. One of the best, one of the best to ever do it. The great and powerful fitzdog.com for tickets. La Jolla Potts Down, Pennsylvania, Point Pleasant, New Jersey. He is on tour, one of the best ever, Greg Fitzsimmons. Hi Greg.

[B]

God, thank you, Tony. Good time to be here. Red Band. Nice to see you. The band. Hell yeah. Let's launch some dreams. Let's go or light up the suicide hotline.

[A]

That's what we love. We love that energy. Anything can happen. Sometimes we crush dreams, sometimes we amplify them. Absolutely, anything can happen. 201 human beings signed up for tonight's show. A little bit of a light sign up, which I find interesting. People may have gone home for the 4th of July or whatever. Now they're settling back in. But if I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview. And I'm here with Truly, one of my favorite people to sit on this show with Greg Fitzsimmons. And also, Red Band is here. And that is it. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? We're going to start it with a golden ticket winner to get us started, everybody. And then we will get to the great Bucket of Destiny. But this guy won a golden ticket a couple of years ago. Barry. Barry, Joey. You know him, you love him. High energy. This is Jack Shaw, everybody. A new minute from Jack Shaw. My dad's been really struggling with trans pronouns, but he finally got it right, dude.

[B]

He said, I hate them. I was like, fuck yeah, dad.

[A]

Good job.

[B]

I like trans people, dude.

[A]

I get it. I want a new dick too, man. I hate my dick, dude. I went to a drag show for the first time. Oh, my God, it was amazing, dude.

[C]

I saw a lady put her foot in her butthole.

[A]

I didn't even know that was an option.

[C]

You could do that.

[A]

That's real. I came up with a great name for a Jewish drag queen. Would you like to hear it?

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Aush tits. Thank you guys so much. Jack Shaw, Very fun. Jack, always fun to hear a new minute from you. Is that true? You talk with your dad about trans people? Oh, he can't stand them. Let's talk about it. I find it all so interesting. He's still in Los Angeles, correct? That's right. So he's surrounded by them everywhere. And how does this come up? Does he see them and brings it up to you?

[C]

He goes to Silver.

[A]

He goes to Starbucks in Silver Lake. Ah. And he calls me and he says, I hate it here. Yeah. It makes him so upset. I don't.

[C]

It makes him really angry.

[A]

Yeah, that makes sense. Greg Fitzsimmons.

[B]

Do they order the half caf when they're at.

[A]

Why do you think your dad goes to the Starbucks in Silver Lake? He likes just regular old Starbucks. Of all the coffee shops around there.

[E]

He stands by Starbucks?

[C]

Yeah, he loves it.

[A]

Very interesting. So interesting. What does he get from it? Just a normal, normal burnt ass, regular fucking nasty coffee. He gets an ice shaken espresso because my dad's a little girl. It's a pretty good drink, actually. It's so good.

[C]

It's okay. You're a gay guy.

[A]

Oh, my God, Jack.

[E]

How dare you.

[A]

God damn it. You're about to start a whole new holocaust, you keep that up. Now do you really hate your dick? You said you hate your dick at one point during this set last night. I don't really hate my dick. It's a fine dick. Is it a fine dick? Now describe what you mean by fine exactly. Describe your dick for the millions of people watching. Right. So have you guys seen a dick before? It's sort of like that.

[F]

Mm.

[B]

I feel like if you had a nice dick, it would be the only really good part of your body. Yeah, you're just sort of mushy. I. I don't mean that in. In a mean way.

[A]

You don't mean that in a mean way. Going after us tonight. You, dude, you look like you have aids. Oh, my God. Jack Shaw. Hey, let me tell you. Oh, my God.

[C]

Hey, you're wilted.

[A]

Respect your.

[B]

Let's just say I hang out. I hang out at a Starbucks and

[A]

Respect your elders, Jack Shaw.

[C]

Well, he's so old, though.

[A]

Oh, my goodness.

[B]

How old am I so old.

[A]

I don't know. Yeah, that's it.

[B]

All right.

[G]

Wow.

[A]

How old are you?

[B]

59.

[A]

Holy shit. Yeah, I was going to say like 60. 72. Oh, my God. Jack, take it easy, okay?

[B]

I know it's tough coming from a kid who dresses like he's in eighth grade.

[A]

It's all like that, Right? Right. So, Jack, what else do you like? The part of my pants that can hold a hammer.

[B]

Right, Right. Yeah, that's the Austin thing. Dress like you have a job and you don't. So it's like work boots and a trucker hat. Right.

[A]

Jack, how's life going? Connect with us over here. What? What's going on in life?

[H]

What's going on in life?

[A]

My girlfriend and I did mushrooms together.

[G]

Whoa.

[A]

You seem like you'd be a real fun guy to do mushrooms with. I had a bad time. Let's talk about it. Tell us all about it. I thought I had a pussy. Dude, I swear to God. We're finding out why you Hate your dick real quick.

[B]

Yeah, this makes sense.

[A]

I got so scared.

[C]

I swear to God, I thought it was a clitoris.

[A]

Did you just do it at home? Did you go somewhere?

[C]

We were at the beach.

[A]

Which beach? In Ventura. Oh, okay. Yeah. All right. So right on the ocean, right?

[C]

That's where the beach is.

[A]

Got a real attitude tonight, buddy.

[C]

It's a fun show.

[A]

Since when did the Jews just shoot shots at everybody? Every which direction just attacking. It's kind of to your left, to your right, everyone around you. When did. When did the Jews start firing off missiles like this? Every. I feel like we should help you with some of these. We should. Perhaps, as a true Americans, we should give you some weapons for you to fire off, and then you could just say, what we give you, you're funding it, dude. You're goddamn right. You gu. Making this happen. You are right. So you're at the beach. Is your girlfriend Jewish, too? No, she's Christian. Oh, my God.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow. Do you ever talk about how. Do you ever talk about how your ancestors killed Jesus?

[C]

Oh, all these. We. Sometimes we role play. Yeah. She's Jesus, and I'm everybody else.

[A]

Wow. Incredible. Absolutely incredible. Well, fun times, Jack. You got the show started. Congratulations. Welcome. You did it again. Golden ticket winner, Jack Shaw. And it has begun. And now we go to the bucket. This is where things get interesting. This is it. We're gonna meet up this first bucket pool all together. Make some noise for Jesse Saldana. Jesse Saldana, perhaps.

[H]

Yo, I recently realized I'm ready to be a dad. Cause I got this girl pregnant. But this was two years ago, right after Roe v. Wade got overturned. And she was like, I'm pregnant. And I was like, well, we only got one choice, I guess. And I say it's the first time I, like, realized I was ready to be a dad. Because most of my ex girlfriends have been Mexican girls. So I've had this conversation before, you know, but this was the first time I was like, you know what? I got a good job. I got benefits. I didn't really know what those benefits were, but this old dude at work kept telling me, hey, the benefits are good here. I was like, man, you might be right. You've been here for 20 years, and this job sucks. So I told her all that, and she's like, I'm not having your fucking kid. And I was like, oh, white girls are cool. And I like, I live in Austin now. I've been telling people I moved to Austin for comedy, but the truth is, I just wanted to find A white girl that likes the same drugs I like.

[A]

Okay, Jesse Saldana. Just kinda. Just stopping. Welcome, Jesse. How long you been doing stand up?

[H]

Eight years.

[A]

Eight years. Wow. Where at? San Antonio?

[H]

Houston.

[A]

Houston. That was my next guess.

[H]

Yeah, same shit.

[A]

Absolutely. Absolutely. So what is it that you do for work?

[H]

I'm in sales. I sell showers.

[A]

You sell showers?

[H]

I go to old people's houses and tell them they need a new shower. Just a different version of a pyramid scheme.

[A]

Okay. All right. Is there something special about your showers?

[H]

They're cheap to make, expensive to sell.

[A]

Okay.

[H]

Pyramid scheme.

[A]

Okay. I don't think you know what a pyramid scheme is.

[H]

Oh, I forgot. I'm supposed to tell my friends to sell showers with me, and then I get commission off of their sales.

[A]

Okay, there you go. Now it makes sense. So let's talk about it. Jesse, what are the drugs that you like to do?

[H]

Weed and mushrooms.

[I]

Okay.

[A]

Weed and mushrooms. You do that every day, not mushrooms. Right. Smoke weed every day.

[H]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Okay. You do this while selling showers after.

[H]

You know what I mean?

[A]

Okay, yeah, now I know what you mean, cuz you told me. Yeah, I know exactly what that means. Smoking weed after work. Yep, I got that.

[H]

Like a normal person.

[A]

Yeah, you could do. Conceivably do both. You could get high and then sell showers. You think it would mess you up a little bit?

[H]

Yeah, it's hard to talk to old people when you're high.

[A]

Speak for yourself. So this whole thing. Do you have a girlfriend now? Mexican girls. White girls you talked about?

[H]

No. Yeah, I'm with a white woman now.

[A]

You're with a white woman now? How long have you been with her?

[H]

Like two years.

[A]

Where'd you meet her at?

[H]

Here in Austin.

[A]

But where in Austin exactly?

[H]

I don't know. Some coffee shop that sold weed.

[A]

A coffee shop that sells weed?

[J]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. And did you approach her? She went up to you?

[H]

Well, here's the thing about that weed.

[J]

Uh huh.

[H]

I don't really remember how we met. I just know what happened at that place like two years ago around.

[A]

So romantic. Yeah, it's. What a great guy.

[H]

You know what I mean?

[A]

Incredible.

[I]

So.

[A]

And now you guys live together.

[H]

How do you know that?

[A]

I don't. I'm asking you a question. We are on a live show right now. I did not.

[H]

It sounded like accusing, like. Like a. I don't even know. Damn.

[A]

Did you get high before this?

[H]

Question.

[A]

Did you get high right before this?

[H]

I didn't think my name was going to get pulled, so.

[A]

That's a classic thing we hear Here from a lot of people. No one knows that their name's going to get pulled. Little fun fact about the show. It'd be a whole different show if they did. The whole bucket would be pointless.

[H]

I would have. I would have been ready to do one minute.

[A]

Yeah. And instead you did 56 seconds and stop talking completely.

[H]

Yep.

[A]

So eight years in the business, was that like your best. Best material, you think, or is that, like, some new stuff you're working on,

[H]

or that's just the shortest? I tell a lot of stories.

[A]

Oh, yeah? A lot of stories, huh?

[H]

A lot of stories with long setups. Yeah.

[A]

It takes a while to get to them.

[H]

Cut all of that. And I was like, well, I can talk about this time. I got this random girl pregnant.

[A]

Did you really? So that's a true story.

[H]

I wish it wasn't.

[A]

Right. And did she? She got an abortion?

[B]

Yeah.

[H]

You know, there's still other ways to do that.

[A]

Explain to us exactly what you mean.

[H]

So you can order these pills from Mexico that take care of it.

[A]

Ooh, wow, how exciting. Clip pods, right? Or whatever those.

[H]

See, the white boys were on two

[A]

Tide pods early, so you ordered basically Mexican plan B. Yep.

[H]

It works way later than plan B does.

[A]

Works way later.

[H]

I mean, doesn't it take, like, a month to find out you're pregnant? I don't know how this works.

[A]

Wow, great.

[B]

You take it so late, you actually give it to the baby. That's a mexican plan b.

[A]

Plan c. Yeah.

[B]

Plan c means you're keeping it.

[C]

This is plan null.

[A]

Oh, my God. So it works a lot later than American plan B. Yeah.

[H]

You know, we do things different down there.

[A]

Okay, all right. And you ordered it and it came in the mail?

[E]

Not exactly.

[H]

I mean, there was still some smuggling involved.

[A]

Okay, so you actually had a friend or someone go get it.

[H]

I didn't know that guy, but

[I]

met

[H]

in a parking lot, and I was like, man, this feels like old drug deals. It felt good.

[A]

Probably was. Do you know what that. What it. Exactly what it's called? Fentanyl.

[C]

I don't know what it was.

[H]

She's white. She found it, you know? Okay, white girls are good at finding pills.

[A]

And this current girlfriend of yours, she's white.

[H]

Oh, yeah. But she's not like that.

[A]

When you say she's not like that, what do you mean exactly like she's not white trash. So if you got her pregnant, what would happen?

[H]

Oh, we ain't get no. We're safe.

[A]

Like we. When you say you're safe, what do you mean?

[H]

You know Pulling out.

[A]

You pull out.

[H]

What do you think I mean? Like, y' all know what I meant, all right?

[A]

You're checking in with them. You think I'm out of touch? You think I don't know what I'm doing over here?

[H]

I don't know. I heard some stories about you.

[A]

I bet you did. I bet you did. Okay, so, I mean, where do we even go from here? My dear friend, Jesse Saldana. That's how you spell your name? Jesse, with an I?

[B]

Yeah.

[H]

I asked my mom why she spelled my name like that, and she said the nurse spelled it wrong, and they just didn't fix it.

[A]

Holy shit.

[H]

Hey, man. I was born in Dallas in 1987. My mom did not want to correct a white nurse, you know?

[A]

Okay.

[H]

She don't speak English. That's how it was.

[A]

All right, Jesse, what else? Do you have any hobbies or anything?

[H]

Damn. Yeah, they gave me the cop sign. I used to be a juvenile probation officer.

[A]

Really? Yeah. Okay. Why don't you do that anymore?

[H]

My criminal record.

[A]

Ooh. What exactly is your criminal record?

[H]

This tree popped up out of nowhere on my way home.

[A]

The what popped up?

[H]

A tree.

[A]

A tree. And you'd been drinking and driving.

[H]

I mean, that's what they said.

[A]

Damn. You totaled your car. Yeah. Do you remember what happened at all?

[H]

I mean, I woke up, and there was a bunch of trees, and then. And then there wasn't.

[A]

Yeah, your people love cutting down trees. Any way you possibly can. All right, Jesse, here's a little joke book. Congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket. You did it. On to the next one. Chessy Saldana. Oh, my God. You know what that sound means? It is indeed. The lovely Heidi, everybody.

[B]

Boy, that Jesse. It started. It was like a shower. It started hot, got kind of cold, and then went right down the drain.

[A]

Yes, it did. Real fast. Some people are hyper aware. Tonight. They seem sensitive. Tonight, both Jesse and Jack Shaw on the defensive, ready to go. Did you guys understand what I was talking about? How does he not know what I mean? You got. Everybody's like, no, that's got to suck. All right, your next comedian out of the bucket goes by the name of Alex Hurtlein or Hurtline. Alex.

[I]

Da.

[A]

Da. What the heck?

[J]

Hell, yeah, dude. All right, so real quick, I just want to address this shit going on. Cause whenever I do stand up, most people are wondering why I look like my mom after she burnt dinner. Yeah, it's just a birthmark. My mom's fine. My dad would never hit my mom in the face. Okay? Only in the stomach when she was pregnant with me. That's how it happened. Yeah, but when people find out it's a birthmark, they usually hit me with something like, pardon me, Zuko, what was it like growing up? Part soccer ball. And you know, obviously I got bullied and shit. Quite a bit. But dude, my childhood was actually way harder for my dad, bro. He got falsely accused of child abuse a lot. Yeah, every day, sir, why'd you give your four year old the smoke? Like, dude, I remember this one lady was yelling at him so badly that like, my little kid brain didn't know how to process it. So I would just shake in fear like Gordon Ramsay's wife when he's about to go down on her. Well, thank you.

[A]

Okay, first question, Alex. Why would Gordon Ramsay's wife be scared before. Oh, shit. I see the thing now. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. The Phantom of Kill Tony has arrived. Holy shit.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So that's just your normal face, unfortunately. Well, no, I think it's got a little style to it, you know, I think it's great. It's awesome. From the, from the. You should have just stayed facing the audience the whole time and this would have gone a lot better for you. No, it's great. It's great, Alex. Nobody even notices. First question. Why would Gordon Ramsay's wife be scared if he's going down on her?

[J]

I mean, he fucking gets pissed when it tastes bad, like any food.

[A]

Oh, okay. You should. You should say that part that gets a laugh and applause and stuff. You should say that. It's probably gonna help. Instead of people just confused, like, what's wrong with Wolfgang or Gordon Ramsay's. Whatever. So, Alex, how long you been doing stand up?

[J]

Like two and a half years.

[A]

Two and a half years. Where at?

[J]

Here mostly Denver.

[A]

Denver?

[J]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Okay. That's where you're from?

[J]

Yep.

[A]

All right. And what do you do for work?

[J]

For work right now I'm a porter at a dealership. So I like take the cars that they're working on, take them to the bays.

[A]

Right.

[J]

Like that.

[A]

They keep you away from the customers. Like, like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. You're just kind of like the behind the scenes guy. Like, keep the monster away from the. Can't sell cars with the freak out here anyway. Do girls like it, Alex? What's your love life like?

[J]

Girls like it if their relationship with their dad is bad. But other than that, not really. Yeah, I kind of get a lot of O's when they turn around after I say hi. Yeah, kind of like how this. Yeah, just silence. Waiting for further explanation.

[A]

I think the bucket hat's more aggressive than the birthmark, to be honest with you. What do you got under there? What are you dealing with? You're like, oh, yeah, look at that. You're like. This is like when. When the nerdy girl takes off her glasses at the end of a rom com or something like that. Jack stripper. Yeah. You're not a bad looking guy. You're like, if Gordon Ryan never tried sports or anything like that, nobody knows that reference. Jiu jitsu guy. Okay. So Alex, what do you do for fun?

[J]

For fun? I played hockey growing up. So normally I would do like beer league in Denver, but then I moved here and realized that there was like no ice rinks.

[A]

Right.

[J]

So there's that. I also used to like be super into entrepreneurship.

[A]

Uh huh. What happened with that?

[J]

I just, I don't know. I. I felt like my ideas were a little too retarded. Like I would go door to door selling no soliciting signs.

[A]

That's great.

[J]

Yeah.

[A]

And it didn't work for you?

[J]

I made like 500 bucks, but it was like really bad quality signs. It looked like a fucking like dive bar restroom sign. But it was just the no soliciting little stick figure guy with a fucking. No through him.

[A]

You made 500 bucks. How many hours or days did you do this?

[J]

I did it for like probably consistently, like a month. Probably like six hours a day. Selling each for 20 bucks after I bought them for a dollar. It could have been good, but I kind of just gave up because I just. It was not worth.

[A]

Sounds like a real pyramid scheme to me.

[J]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

That's actually a real good joke though. Like selling no soliciting signs.

[J]

Yeah.

[A]

Door to door. That's fucking funny.

[J]

Thank you. Yeah.

[A]

Red band.

[J]

I've been struggling with the writing part of it. Like I've attempted, but it never goes well. Like dead silence whenever I like try something. But working on it.

[A]

So that's kind of got like hair all over it.

[J]

Yeah, dude, it's.

[A]

You have to shave it regularly.

[J]

I've been shaving since I was three months old, dude.

[A]

Wow.

[J]

Yeah.

[A]

How often do you have to shave

[J]

it to like not scare people? Probably a week.

[A]

And you got to go like all the way to under your eye and then down kind of.

[J]

Yeah.

[A]

Kind of like it's face that way.

[J]

This way.

[A]

Oh shit. Fuck yeah. Yeah, that's a whole thing.

[J]

So. Yeah, it's like for some reason, like it has kind of a built in fade. It's like, way shorter up here, and it gets super long down here.

[A]

Do barbers charge you extra for that?

[J]

No, they, like, try to do it as, like, charity. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

No, I was gonna say my testicles the same way, but have you considered this? Just a thought. Just spitballing. You're a hockey player. Have you ever just told a woman I got a black eye and then hope that after a few weeks she likes you enough that you go, by the way, it's permanent.

[J]

I tried once in high school, and she got weirded out that it just stayed there forever. Yeah, but I mean. Yeah, I don't know. They usually, like, get more freaked out by the hair. It's almost like they don't even notice, like, the genuine, obvious dark spot.

[A]

Have you thought about growing it out and braiding it?

[J]

Dying it red? Attaching an eyeball slightly? It does it like. No, dude, no. Bullshit. It takes so long, like, towards my eye to, like, actually get length. It takes, like, two months. I've tried.

[A]

Interesting.

[J]

Yeah.

[A]

And what's underneath there? Is it firm? Is it soft?

[J]

Oh, I thought it was cancer. It didn't used to always be, like, pregnant.

[A]

When did that start?

[J]

Like, when I was 20. Roughly.

[A]

How old are you now?

[J]

I'm 23.

[A]

Wow. Okay, so there's still time.

[J]

There is.

[A]

Interesting. I wonder what our friend Dr. Pimple Popper would say about this. Can you get laser hair removal from that?

[K]

Like, yeah.

[J]

I actually spent, like, the first five years of my life going to, like, a laser removal doctor because this shit used to be all the way down to my mouth. And if I didn't get it, like, fixed, I wouldn't have been able to eat without biting my face.

[A]

This is absolutely unbelievable. You know, a lot of people say that this show just has a bunch of handicapped, creepy people on it. Then here comes fucking half a monkey boy walking out. Incredible. Did you get bullied for it a lot as a kid?

[J]

Oh, 100%. Yeah.

[A]

What's the meanest thing anybody ever said to you? Or how did they negatively affect your life? Let's relive it real quick in front of millions of people.

[J]

So I'm trying to think of, like, the best one. Chocolate chip cookie got to me.

[A]

Oh, yeah, that's a rough one.

[F]

Uh,

[A]

that's the monkey noise from 45 seconds ago. Everybody. Chocolate chip cookies. A rough one. Yeah.

[J]

It is brutal.

[A]

Yeah.

[J]

And then another, it was like, oh, he's such a pussy and avoids fights because if he got hit in his other eye, he would look like a raccoon. That was a banger.

[A]

Yeah, that's a banger. It really is. I'll tell you what, here's a medium sized joke book.

[J]

Hell yeah.

[A]

There you go, Alex. Hurt line. Hell yeah. There he goes. One more time for Alex, everybody. Now it's a real freak show so far. Here we go. Let's keep it going. Make some noise. This is a minute uninterrupted for AJ Higglesias. AJ Iglesias.

[L]

What's going on, guys? My name is AJ Iglesias. I know that confuses some of you because my face says Trump supporter, but the name says ICE Detention center. What an awkward ICE raid that's gotta be. They knock on my door, they open it up, and I'm like, hey, what's going on, man? Like, sir, he's white. And, like, I still get arrested not because I'm Mexican, because they found the mushrooms on my coffee table. You know what I mean? Honestly, like, the only way a guy like me gets any work nowadays is if I, like, stand outside of a Home Depot and pray to God somebody needs a half pipe built, you know? I don't just do half pipes. I do stairs too, man. Confuses all my jobs, man. It's fucking awesome. Like, I work a lot of labor jobs. They think they're getting some hard work in Mexican, and my big dumb white ass shows up like, hey, what's going on?

[A]

Can I vape in here?

[C]

Is that cool with you guys or

[L]

no, Just all right.

[G]

Cool.

[L]

Yeah, yeah, most definitely. You guys are fun, man. I like you guys. This is really cool. Fuck, that's my set. My name is AJ Iglesias. Thank you all so much.

[A]

AJGlesias. Am I saying that right? Iglesias.

[L]

The H is silent.

[A]

The H is silent. The first letter of your last name is silent. So you go by Iglesias?

[L]

Yes, sir.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, different than Inglesias, right?

[L]

Yeah, no, it's not inglesias, it's Iglesias. But, like, I try not to say it with an accent because people are just like, you shouldn't do.

[A]

Are you a hundred percent Latino?

[L]

No, I'm half. My dad's Mexican. My mom is very white.

[A]

Yeah, very, very, very, very, very white. That's incredible. So are they still together?

[D]

No.

[L]

Why do you think I'm up here?

[A]

No. Yeah, that makes sense. How old were you when they separated?

[L]

I was seven years old.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, we are.

[L]

D Manus is laughing at me. He's like, fuck, yeah, I love divorce.

[A]

Yeah. He's just happy that he couldn't see the Last guy's face.

[L]

Oh, shit.

[A]

So, aj, let's talk about it. How long you been doing stand up comedy?

[L]

I've been doing stand up comedy, like off and on for the last nine years. Since I was about 19.

[A]

Wow.

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

Nine years. And what do you do for work?

[L]

I am a software tester for self driving cars here in Austin.

[E]

Wow.

[L]

Not Waymo. Zooks Shout out, I guess.

[A]

Okay. What's the difference between Zuke and Waymo?

[L]

They're Amazon owned and I guess they're like building like a fully autonomous car with like four people in it and no, like, steering wheel. It's like a fully like. Yeah, it's kind of. Yeah.

[A]

I mean, you should know, you're the guy, right? Yeah.

[L]

But like the cars we have are different. We're like, we're like in Toyota Highlanders and like the, the robot's coming like in the next year or so, so we're just making sure it doesn't crash.

[A]

Crash. You know, the robot's coming.

[L]

The robot is going to be coming and it's going to be coming hard.

[A]

Wow.

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

All right. Some. For some reason, I'm hard as a rock right now. Aj, what's your love life like?

[L]

Kind of bad. Yeah, I just got recently broken up with.

[A]

Why? Why did she break up with you?

[L]

I don't think she liked Texas. I moved her from California, where I'm originally from, obviously. And yeah, she spent two months here and was like, I want to leave. And I was like, oh, damn. I like made my apartment all nice for, you know. I like made it like lady friendly. And then she left.

[A]

So let's talk about it real quick. What do you mean by lady friendly?

[L]

You lowered.

[A]

Lowered the toilet seat?

[L]

Yeah, like I put like shelves in the. In like the shower and shit. Like I bought her like a vanity to put in the bathroom. Like she games. So like I got her like a gaming desk and stuff and now I just have like a nicer apartment. So it's pretty sick.

[A]

Very interesting. How long ago was this breakup?

[L]

It was like the beginning of the year, I think. Like, yeah, it was like January ish.

[A]

And she went back to California and doesn't talk to you at all anymore?

[L]

She still does talk to me, actually.

[A]

So you guys have like a kind of a long distance thing going on?

[L]

Not really at all. Like, I think she doesn't even like men. So that was a real blow to

[A]

the ego that that's the type of woman that would move back to California. A lesbian.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Takes a real lesbian to leave Texas for California. She's right now at a Starbucks in Silver Lake, assuredly sitting next to Jack's angry Jew dad while he scoffs at the lesbian antics. So you thought that a woman would like shelves in a shower? It's funny how this. This episode's kind of like all repeating itself.

[I]

Nice.

[A]

Okay, so shelves in a shower, a gaming desk.

[L]

Well, it's just like a regular desk to set up her games and stuff.

[A]

When she left, what made you think that she's a lesbian? Can you explain?

[L]

Oh, she told me.

[A]

Wow.

[L]

Yeah, like, yeah, I went to go buy her a bong because she likes to smoke weed. And I got like, you know, bought her a bong and like, some candy that she likes. And then she's like, I like women. And I'm like, sick.

[A]

Yeah, it's never good if you buy your girlfriend a bong and she just sits on it. It's never a good sign. It isn't.

[L]

It never is.

[A]

So did she ever try to, like. Did you ever, like. Did you always have long hair like that? Yeah.

[L]

No. For the last, like, you know, two years or so.

[A]

Did she ever try to, like, put your legs over your head and eat where your pussy would be?

[L]

No.

[A]

Did you ever get hints that she was into lesbian type of stuff in the bedroom?

[L]

She likes being on top a lot. So, like, maybe that. That could have been a sign. Yeah, yeah, that was about it. She didn't try to eat my boy. Which I was a little offended that she didn't want to, but then again,

[A]

you know, it makes sense.

[L]

It would make sense. Yeah. It's not a good time down there.

[A]

Did you try to, like, have another girl come in. In the bedroom, you know, when you found.

[L]

No, no. She kind of just dropped the news and she's like, I fly out in two weeks and that was like the most awkward two weeks of my life. Cuz I live in a studio, so we're like on top of each other, literally.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. She's on top of you, Greg Fitzsimmons.

[B]

Well, I. Look, there's a lot. There's a lot to unpack. I'm still getting over. There was a guy up here with a hairy baseball on the side of his face a minute ago.

[L]

That guy and I.

[B]

Still a little distracted. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

But we're punching people in the face if they do bad tonight. Oh, it's a whole new episode. A whole new level of kill.

[B]

Would you consider going under the knife to get this woman back and becoming a woman?

[A]

Great.

[B]

Cutting off your dick and adding the Rest of the tits that you have on your chest.

[L]

You know, I feel like this is enough. I thought. Yeah, I like having a dick. It's really awesome.

[H]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[L]

So I wouldn't get rid of that. Nah.

[B]

And what about the hair that you have all over your T shirt in the back? Is that you're covered in your own hair?

[A]

I know, it's crazy.

[B]

Do you think the grooming might have had something to do with it?

[L]

Probably.

[B]

I think.

[L]

Yeah. I'm like a cat. So she was just, like, finding hair all over her. You know what I mean? It was terrible.

[A]

You have a cat?

[L]

I don't. It's just me.

[A]

Oh, you're like, does. Yeah. What's three. What's a fun fact about your life that you think makes you different than other people?

[J]

God.

[L]

The only fun fact is, like, people don't believe I'm Mexican. And that's part of my.

[A]

Do you ever communicate with your dad?

[L]

I do.

[A]

You guys are.

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, talk on the phone.

[L]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[A]

He's still in California?

[L]

No, he. He just recently, like, retired early. He sold his house in California, bought an rv, and he's, like, touring the country right now.

[A]

Just him and avoiding ice. That's what that's called. Everybody Just touring the country right now. Retired and touring. Just on the run.

[B]

Yeah, right.

[A]

Okay. Well, all right, aj. Well, fun times. Here's a medium sized joke book, buddy. There you go. AJ Iglesias, ladies and gentlemen.

[M]

Good news.

[A]

We have a special treat for you. Everybody got through a few wild bucket pools, and now it is time for one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. She is from Nashville, Tennessee. She is an absolute savage. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the great and powerful Fiona, everyone. Hello.

[M]

Hello. I just got back from France. Yeah, they let me over there. No, it was pretty funny. I got there and had to Uber from the airport at the hotel, and my fiance was with me, and our Uber driver was, like, this really hot French man. Okay. And I thought he was hitting on me. And I was really excited to turn down this French guy in front of my fiance. I kind of need that emotionally. And then he goes, I just really love your voice. Which, as you all can imagine, isn't really a compliment I get often. Yeah, no. And then he goes, yeah, I'm learning English, so. You talk so slow. It's so helpful. And like, y', all, I am already humbled. You know what I mean? Like, God took care of it. I don't need this, man. My point is duolingo can suck my dick. Duolingo can suck my wee. Wee or what?

[A]

Thank you, Fiona Colley. There you go. That's how it's done. Fiona. Fiona. Fiona. Fantastic. You've done it again. How's life going?

[M]

Really good. I went on my bachelorette party.

[A]

Oh, shit.

[M]

Ye.

[A]

What's that like?

[M]

It was kind of stressful deciding what to do because life is full of walking activities.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So what did you settle on?

[M]

I figured it out. We went to a Dollywood, like this theme park because sitting number one, we all love it. I'm the best. And it's the only place that I get, like, to cut lines and perks trip for being disabled. So that was good.

[A]

What kind of perks do you get for being disabled?

[M]

The fast pass.

[A]

Oh, hell yeah. And these are like rides and stuff?

[M]

Yes.

[A]

Greg Fitzsimmons.

[B]

Just the cruel irony that they call it the fast pass. That's gotta hurt.

[A]

So what kind of rides are there?

[M]

Just like really fast up and out. It's like a theme park. Amusement park.

[A]

Never been to Dolly World? No. Have you been to Dollywood? Hell yeah. It's great.

[M]

It's really.

[A]

It's an amusement park. Yeah.

[L]

Yeah.

[M]

But it was everywhere. It was my first.

[A]

You've been to Dollywood in Tennessee?

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

You made that trip? Yeah, I'm from. We're from Ohio. That was like our Disney World was Dolly. Well, we also had Cedar Point. I know the world's greatest amusement park. Kings Island. Geauga Lake. Famously Dolly World. We were spoiled.

[G]

Hershey's.

[A]

And you went all the way to Dolly? Dolly World. Dolly World.

[M]

Hey, they also have like really good food there, so I get it.

[A]

Would you have like a. Like a. Like a powdered sugar covered thing?

[M]

Hot dog.

[A]

Yeah, a hot dog.

[M]

Yep.

[A]

Perfect. That's how Red Band likes his hot dogs. That's fun. So a bunch of chicks showed up and you guys went to Dolly World?

[M]

Yeah, Dolly Wood.

[A]

Dollywood. Okay. Red band corrected me. To Dolly World. And now we're back. Now we're back. I don't know why I listen to him. I rarely do. Took a chance on him and that's where it got me. Now I'm a fucking idiot in front of millions of people. It's the bean all over again. The fucking being all over again. Dollywood. Dolly World.

[M]

God damn, I did shrooms.

[A]

Ooh. Everybody's talking about mushrooms this episode. It's a mushroom heavy episode. So let's talk about it. How did the mushrooms hit you?

[M]

Oh, my God. I don't Deal with drugs. Well, okay. But I did shrooms at Dollywood, which. Yeah, something is wrong with me. Okay. Really scary. I forgot that, like, I'm on the show sometimes, and so I'm, like, fully peeking, and this guy comes up to me and he's like, oh, my God, can I get a photo? And I was like, why? Yeah.

[A]

That's so fun.

[M]

I thought my friends had ratted me out.

[A]

Yeah.

[M]

Yeah.

[A]

So what was the highlight? Just fun rides. It was a good bachelorette party. Yeah.

[M]

Didn't throw up. That was fun. That was good. I did a lot of shrooms on multiple days. I don't do shrooms now.

[A]

You do.

[M]

Yeah, I was. I had a coke face.

[A]

Oh, okay. Wow. We're just having a little confessional here tonight. Tell us about this coke phase. What was that like?

[M]

It was in college, in my, like, Walker era, I guess.

[A]

Ah, the old speed walking.

[M]

I did coke for the first time, and I'm not fucking kidding. I started doing cartwheels.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[M]

And I could, like, run by myself. And I was so convinced that this was, like, the most modern medicine. I told my neurologist, I was like, you gotta try this shit. Okay. It is unbelievable.

[A]

That's amazing.

[M]

Yeah. And he was like, no, that's, like, really cool. But you have a heart problem, so

[B]

imagine if that was the cure. And Jerry Lewis shows up with a pound of coke and gives it to all the kids, and they just all get up and start fucking dancing.

[A]

Wow. Perfect music for that situation. Really painted the picture there. Red Band gave us a nice text mixture for those of you just listening and not watching to the podcast. Wow. So fun. So the highlights of the bachelorette party were mushrooms and fast pass.

[M]

Yes. Yeah. And to get, like, the best pass as a disabled person, they bring you in this little office and they question you. I'm not getting, like, to, like, prove you're disabled enough. And I was like, me? Like, what are we. What are we doing? And one of the questions was, do you have the upper body strength to, like, hold yourself in place? And I was like, that's fucking cunt. Like, of course. Like, what a dumb fucking question. I did not. Okay. I almost died on every ride.

[A]

Yeah, a lot of slippage.

[M]

I had to go back and apologize to her. I don't remember. Cause I had a concussion. But, like, it's good.

[A]

You're so funny. Fiona, we love you. Another new minute from Fiona Cauley, ladies and gentlemen. She's done it again. A superstar it. How about an. How about a hand for Heidi Everybody. Isn't it something? A perfect human specimen. All right, back to the bucket we go. I gotta say, this looks like one of the most fun names I pulled in a long time. I know a good name when I say see one. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Sir Winston Pickles, everybody. Sir Winston Pickles. Oh, yes. Let's go.

[N]

Well, I'm 60 years of age and my high school belt still fits around my neck. I try to stay in shape, just like the teenage girl next door. She's one of those teenage girls who likes to go jogging at 5:00am in the morning. Well, 5:22 this morning, Whenever she goes jogging, I like to drive slowly behind her with my headlights off. You know, just to make sure she's safe. Well, you have to. There's some fucking weirdos out there in the morning. I've been reading this Diana book and I find it difficult to comprehend. It's been over 30 years. Well, almost 30 years since the world tragically lost what I believe, anyway, to be the most beautiful Mercedes Benz ever made. Thank you. My name's Sir Winston Pickles. You've been wonderful.

[A]

Sir Winston Pickles. Let the fun begin. Holy shit. I love everything about you. Sir Winston Pickles. Welcome, welcome, welcome to the show. I genuinely laughed throughout your entire set. That was amazing. How long have you been performing on stage?

[N]

10 years as a clown. Six years of standup.

[A]

Okay, okay, so the last six you've been doing standup as a clown, but 10 as a clown? What were you doing the first four? You don't seem like you'd be very good at children's parties or anything like that.

[N]

There's still a few of those missing there.

[A]

I love it. I love it. So where are you from?

[N]

England originally, but I just moved from Florida.

[A]

You moved to Austin, Texas?

[N]

Yeah, two weeks ago.

[A]

Welcome, welcome. Look at that. Amazing. We'll see how you like this Texas heat. I see that makeup's gonna be running any day now. Well, welcome, welcome. How long were you in Florida for?

[N]

10 years.

[A]

10 years.

[N]

I had enough.

[A]

Right, exactly. And so what do you do most of the time? How do you. What is a guy like Sir Winston Pickles up to when he's not, Huh?

[N]

A little bit of this, a little bit of that.

[A]

Okay, let's talk about it. A little bit of what? A little bit of what?

[N]

I ruin my car at 20 an hour. Also known as doordash.

[A]

Oh, you do doordash?

[O]

Yes.

[A]

You don't do it in character?

[N]

No.

[A]

Oh, my God. Have you thought about doing any character that Seems like it would be a hit.

[J]

Yes.

[A]

I mean, it gives people some real nightmares on their ring, doorbell, camera just freak people the hell out. Seems like a blast. Sir Winston Pickles, how much time do you think you have? How much material do you think you have of that par. That you just did for that minute?

[N]

I do. 20 minutes. I do. I've been a feature in Florida.

[A]

Amazing. Greg Fitzsimmons.

[B]

I just. It's hard to make fun of a guy who, you know, you're just kind of in awe of. I mean, I think you're hilarious. Like, I like to shit on people because they suck. And I just think you're very good. So I'm speechless.

[N]

Oh, thank you.

[A]

I agree. I agree. Sir Winston Pickles, I like your style a lot. In fact, I think, you know, why don't you just do a little more time? Why don't you do another minute or two? I want to hear more of Sir Winston Pickles. You guys want to hear some more material from Sir Winston Pickles? I mean, I'm just gonna let you take over, Sir Winston. Feel free to shoot a fucking 20 minute special right now. Hold on one second. Can I get the. Can we do the solo light on Sir Winston Pickles? Yeah, let's do that.

[N]

I've been having a lot of issues with my neighbors. Especially the neighbor next door. He's. His carbon monoxide alarm kept me awake all last night. All night. Of course, I. I confronted a bit about it. The next day. I knocked on his door, said, trevor, are you coming out? What's going on? Last night, no answer. No, that's a dick move, that is. I used to work on a circus on a cruise ship. Met some great people. Met my first wife, the bearded lady. She wasn't part of the circus. No, she was from Maine. Thank you. But a great guy. The human cannonball. Great guy. Do anything for anyone. Always went the extra mile. Actually, that's how we lost him at sea. There was no finding him either, because he was there. He was a midget. I'm sorry, we can't use that word now, can we? It was a midget. Later, got on this stage and found someone paler than me. Any cruise ship lovers in here while we're talking about cruises? What is wrong with you? They see her at every given time of the year. 17 people a year disappear overboard, never to be found again. That's not enough. On a weekend cruise, I have a list of at least 50 women and children I want to throw overboard. Now, there are men, too, but women and Children first.

[A]

Sir Winston Pickles. I. I have some more questions. Amazing. Amazing. It's fun to just sit back and watch someone do comedy for a little bit. I like your style. You're so different than everybody else. Did you work on cruise ships for a bit out of Florida?

[N]

No. That was a big lie.

[A]

Oh, okay. Let me ask you this. Have you met any. Are there people out there, like women that have clown fetishes? Is that a thing? Have you noticed that?

[N]

A few. I try to stay away from them. They're fucking weird.

[A]

So do you have like a wife or a girlfriend or something?

[N]

Yeah. She's at home in the basement.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And she likes you. Clown. Did you ever. Do you ever hang out with her in the clown makeup?

[N]

Yes.

[A]

And does the carpet match the drapes? Is there like a red nose on it? It's a what?

[N]

Shiny and red.

[A]

Shiny and red, yeah. When's the last time you were in England, Sir Winston Pickles?

[N]

Oh, a decade ago.

[A]

Good. We were just there and. Holy shit.

[N]

I have to apologize for that.

[A]

Yeah, it's a real mess. These people. It's a mess.

[B]

Do you do the lady die joke in. In England?

[N]

No.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Fantastic material. Sir Winston Pickles. Welcome to the Kill Tony universe. This is a big Kill Tony joke book made by the Great Bonsai Red Band. I just want to say, the last four arena shows, I've seen you in the audience of the like, what the fuck is going on here? It's so great to finally see you. I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday, if you.

[N]

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

[A]

There you go. Sir Winston Pickles has arrived, ladies and gentlemen, a dark and dirty clown. Just what we've always wanted here. There he goes. Sir Winston Pickles. He's our favorite clown. We always like it when he comes to town. All right, your next bucket pole, ladies. This, I mean, again, this is another wild name. And it's a one word name. Make some noise for offender. Holy shit. This should be interesting. Hell yeah, dude.

[D]

It's a new year. It's a new me. That's what I've been telling myself. This year I've been working on my New Year's resolution, which is to quit smoking cigarettes. This year I came up with a new technique. It's where I like to picture the cigarette. Something I would never put in my mouth. So if you were to guess a

[A]

big black cock, you'd be correct.

[D]

Now, I don't know why it has to be big or black. Just seems scarier. And I know I got Some support of France. Cause they never get mad at me. When I get down on my knees, I say, hey, man, you got a lighter? But boy, do they get pissed when I take off my hat and say, hey, will you hold my hair? There was some good news to this whole situation. It'd be, I'm not homophobic or racist.

[F]

All right.

[A]

Wow, Offender. My goodness.

[B]

That was the worst tragedy in Texas in the last five days.

[A]

Wow, Offender. My God.

[N]

What's up, buddy?

[A]

What the hell was that, dude? It's tough to follow, sir Winston Pickles, isn't it?

[D]

I win some, you lose something. You know, I felt great about it. This is awesome.

[A]

Have you won some?

[D]

Yes, sir. Okay, I'm here right now.

[A]

All right.

[D]

This is a win.

[A]

Okay. All right, offender. There you go. There's people in the back like, opportunity. It doesn't matter what you do with it, but you did get pulled out of the bucket. Tell us about you. What the was that? Let's start there. You've been working on that. You've been running that at open mics. Gets laughs.

[D]

Yeah, it kills.

[A]

Really, it does.

[D]

I don't wanna. I don't want to sell it now. I mean, if it sucked, it sucked out. I'll work it. I'll get better.

[A]

Offender, what's going on in your actual life? Let's talk about it. Tell us about you.

[D]

So I live on my short bus. I travel around Austin. I do nothing but comedy. That's I've been hosting. Now I've been here for six months. I just. This makes 312. 312 mics that I've done since being moving here.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

I've done it in Nashville. I went to New York just to test the grounds before you guys go to MSG to understand how to the subways work. What is this?

[A]

Like, wow. You're ready to bomb on every level.

[D]

No, sir.

[A]

Absolutely incredible. Wow.

[D]

It's all right.

[A]

I love it. That's how it goes.

[N]

Yeah.

[A]

You're paying your dues. 312 open mics. What's the worst it's ever gone? Describe to us what the.

[D]

Well, apparently right now, but that's. That's news to me.

[F]

I'm.

[D]

I'm. I'm disappointed with that, but I feel like I just got off a bull and I sucked and so maybe I need to work harder and better. I mean.

[A]

Okay, this is going nowhere.

[D]

No, I mean, ask me anything else. What do you want to know?

[A]

I just asked you. What's the worst in open mics ever gone for you? This Isn't an open mic. You're in front of millions of people right now.

[D]

You are correct.

[F]

Huh?

[D]

I had a mic that I was hosting.

[A]

Huh?

[D]

This is. True Story just happened last week and some people came in interrupting. It's a bar show. And so as a host, I tried to gain them back. And I told these people that this was not a movie theater. And they did not. They didn't like that. That was not. That wasn't.

[A]

When you say you told these people, what do you mean by these people? Can you describe them?

[D]

They were nice people.

[A]

Yeah, they.

[D]

They like rap music.

[A]

Okay.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

Fried chicken.

[A]

Okey dokey. That's enough. We got it. We got it. All right, Offender. So you've been on this show before, right?

[D]

One time.

[A]

But your name was different then?

[D]

No, it was Offender.

[A]

It was Offender. That's right. Coming back.

[D]

Kill Tony bingo board tattooed on his thigh.

[A]

You do have a Kill Tony bingo board. A tattooed deer thigh.

[F]

I do.

[A]

Wow. This is our fan base, everybody. If you're wondering. If you're wondering if you're sane or not for loving this show, this is the guy that has the.

[D]

Have you ever. Have you ever seen the rock that comes with the Cam Patterson shirt?

[A]

No. No?

[D]

You've never seen it here?

[A]

No. It's okay. It's.

[D]

No, it's okay. I'll just hand it to you.

[E]

It's.

[A]

That's fentanyl. Okay. All right, Offender, you already have a little joke book.

[D]

I have a big joke book, but

[A]

I gave you a big joke book.

[D]

Yes, sir.

[A]

What the fuck did you talk about possibly in that interview last time in which you got a big joke book?

[D]

I had been to prison.

[A]

Ah, Okay.

[D]

I had been to prison. I mean, I know prison had effect on me, though, especially when it comes to women, okay? Because now instead of buying them flowers, I just give them honey buns.

[A]

Okie dokie, Offender.

[D]

I'm going to go shoot myself.

[A]

Here's Here. No, Here's a little joke book to go with the big one. Here you go. Boom. There, take that. There you go, Offender, everybody. I am offended. I am offended.

[E]

All right. Wow.

[A]

Sometimes you. Sometimes it just gets a little fucking sad in here. You know what I mean? Make some noise for your next bucket pole. Sunny Castillo, everyone. Sunny Castillo.

[G]

So I recently bought a used dog from the animal shelter, And she was a bit harder to take care of than I thought she would be, so I needed help. So I went and got a used girlfriend from the woman's shelter. I could never turn down a rescue. And earlier this Morning, we were getting ready to go to work, and she kept complaining that she had a muffin top. And I was like, nah, you look fine, cupcake. So my friend Maricela just opened up the world's first gay ice cream parlor. She calls it Mari Cones.

[J]

Thank you.

[A]

Sonny Castillo. Welcome. Sonny. Is this your first time on the show?

[N]

Yes, it is.

[A]

Nice. How long you been on stand up?

[G]

About 14 years.

[A]

14 years. Where at? San Antonio?

[G]

No. Yes. Austin. I haven't really left Texas. Mostly around here.

[A]

Austin, Houston. Mostly around here. Okay. Austin, Houston. What do you do for work, Sunny Cass? Do you.

[G]

I work at a courthouse.

[A]

Okay. What do you do at the courthouse?

[G]

We call people that have warrants and we try to help them to avoid being arrested by police or like the good guys.

[A]

So you try to call them in?

[G]

Yeah, it's. It's easy because a lot of them are my family members, so.

[A]

Ah, very good, Sonny. I like that. Yeah, we know a lot of Castillos. Big family you got. Yes, yes.

[G]

I actually have over 80 first cousins on my dad's side.

[A]

Wow.

[G]

So we might be related.

[A]

Look at that. 80 cousins. You might be related to these two as well. Okay, Sonny, what do you do for fun? What are some hobbies of Sonny Castillo?

[G]

So I used to do photography, and during the pandemic, I started doing action figure photography, and so I started doing action figure reviews on YouTube.

[A]

Wow. Redband is hard as a rock right now. That's absolutely incredible. Action figure reviews on YouTube. Is that taking off? Kind of. Is it getting popular?

[G]

I'm monetized, so I get a couple hundred bucks a year from it.

[A]

A couple hundred bucks a year? Wow.

[G]

It's like. It's. It's something that I was already doing, so I was like, might as well make a little bit of money from it.

[A]

I love it. Okay, very interesting. It's childlike behaviors. I'm gonna check in with Greg Fitzsimmons here.

[C]

Well, I.

[B]

Look, I don't want to be harsh on the guy. He's got a neck with a revolver on it. Is that. Is that something you wear to the courthouse?

[G]

Yeah. It's a 1911. It's not a revolver. Semi automatic.

[A]

It's a GI Joe gun.

[G]

Yeah.

[B]

Have you ever shot somebody?

[G]

I haven't, but I've been really close.

[A]

When you say you've been really close, what are we talking about?

[G]

So I was at Lakeland Mall one day, and I was in the parking lot, and I saw a dude beating on an old woman. So I hopped out, I stuck a 40 cal. In his face.

[H]

Wow.

[A]

Told him to stop. Amazing.

[G]

He listened.

[A]

You're an American hero. Those rings, where do you. Where did you steal those from?

[G]

Actually, it's funny. Most of these are street value, so we paid what they cost on the street.

[A]

What does that mean? Explain to us non criminals exactly what you mean by that.

[G]

I'm not saying they're stolen. I'm not saying they're not, so. But the person that we bought them from seemed like a legit guy. One's a wedding ring that came from Kay Jewelers.

[B]

It doesn't look like great metal. It looks like the kind of metal where if you pulled the ring off, you would still have a ring on your skin.

[G]

Technically, I do cause the sun, but yeah.

[B]

Yeah, there you go.

[A]

So you're married?

[G]

I am married.

[A]

How long have you been married for?

[G]

We've been married going on six years.

[A]

Six years. What does she do?

[G]

She works for the state.

[A]

Okay.

[G]

Not quite sure. I know she's in front of a computer.

[A]

You have no idea what your wife of six years does for a living.

[G]

Yeah, she does something.

[A]

Okay. Where'd you guys meet?

[G]

Actually, through a mutual friend on Facebook. So before. Before the Facebook dating thing, we met.

[A]

Okay. First date. What'd you do?

[G]

I asked her what are her. You know, where she want to go. I was like, we got Taco Bell, Golden Chick, or Little Caesars. She chose Taco Bell.

[A]

Wow. Okay. She's Latino as well.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Amazing.

[G]

I was straight up with it. I was like, look, I'm O2 east side. I'm not really fancy.

[A]

When you say O2 east side, what exactly do you mean by that?

[G]

Born and raised Here, Austin, Texas. O2 East Austin.

[A]

O2 East Austin. Michael, can you translate that for me? What exactly does that mean? Oh, to East Austin, pre gentrification. Oh, okay. Yeah, I know what that means. So it's kind of like. Kind of like the hood.

[G]

Yeah, you could say that.

[A]

Huh?

[J]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[G]

I mean, most people do.

[A]

And what do you think about your lovely city nowadays? Are you one of the complaining locals that says it was better back in the day? Well, like that guy with the Buc EE's shirt and the hat over there.

[G]

I'm kind of torn between the whole gentrification thing because it's like, yeah, they ruined our neighborhood, but they also made some of my people some money. So it's kind of between the two.

[A]

That's true.

[G]

Yeah. And now the East Austin has sidewalks. We never had those before, so that's nice. And the police come out now. If you call them. Never had that before either.

[A]

Yep, that's a thing. Sidewalks and police officers. It's amazing what's going on here. I liked your material, Sonny. Very fun times. You are getting a big joke book. Congratulations, Sonny Castillo. How fun. We're getting through it. We have another very special treat for you. Ladies and gentlemen. This is a truly inaction packed episode. This is a hall of famer going up right in the middle of the goddamn show. One of the most famous regulars in the history of the show. Famous for his roasting and stand up ability. Ladies and gentlemen, a rare mothership appearance by the great and powerful David Lucas, everyone. Oh, my God.

[F]

Yeah. A plane in India just recently crashed heading to England and 176 Indians died. And since that plane crash, scam calls have been down 50%. Apple has no more tech support. It's crazy. You gonna call Apple and talk to a nigga? That sound like me, you know. Can you help me with my phone? Have you turned that motherfucker off yet? Bitch, turn it off and turn it back on. I can only imagine what that plane smelled like. God damn, bro. If I would have been driving that plane, I probably would have crashed it too.

[I]

Oh,

[F]

when it crashed, it probably smelled like somebody was barbecuing a goat. It was. They're like, who is barbecuing in hotelos? It's so weird how women with purple and blue hair want us to give a fuck about the Middle East. You know what I'm saying? Like, nobody really gives a fuck about the Middle east because if you did, you'd take your ass over there. If they want me to give a fuck about the Middle east, you gonna have to get the Middle East a NFL team. That's the only way. Yeah, I love to watch the Palestine Packers. You know what?

[A]

I'm all right.

[F]

That's my time. David. Lucas.

[A]

Thank you, David. Lights out, Lucas. Look at Tony, my man.

[F]

Ass.

[A]

Wait, what? That. You're just going to start like that? You fat. We're just going with the. The.

[F]

Hey, if Tony was a gamer, he play call of booty.

[A]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[F]

Your ass zipped up that.

[A]

I love this look. I love it. You have your own equator around you. It's incredible. Look like you're ready to take a yacht trip to a McDonald's. McDonald's.

[F]

Why you so zipped up? That HIV medicine kicking your ass.

[A]

That KFC medicine's kicking yours. You are bigger than ever.

[F]

You gayer than ever. I mean, and your face look like a baboon's.

[A]

Ass

[F]

that you look like you just got slapped in the face with a cherry pie.

[A]

Nigga, your ass. I won't do the baboon comeback joke that I want to do right now. I'm going to reserve that and hold that back because I like working.

[F]

Is that a vest? What is that, bro? It's just all.

[A]

Yeah, it's a vest. What the fuck is that, a sweatshirt? Just cause you.

[F]

You dress like a gay sniper. Nigga, your ass put the scope in my ass.

[A]

I love this new look though. You look like you're. You look like you're going to get on a unsinkable ship of some kind. It is incredible. Are you wearing that because you eat a yacht?

[F]

Get out of here, D Madison.

[A]

Yeah. Deep Madness. Deep Madness. Making a big deal.

[F]

Te Stevie Wonder looking ass.

[A]

Superstition. Oh my God.

[F]

Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. That blind ass nigga out of here laughing at that shit. He ain't never seen me or you. He'll. He don't even know what gay look like. Nigga laughing. He don't know what fat look like. He can only imagine it. I probably look like a fucking rainbow cloud in that nigga head.

[A]

I cannot believe you called him teu. Stevie Wonder. That is a four year elephant in the room that we've been avoiding. I don't think he's ever going to be the same after that. This might be the first time that he doesn't come back from peeing. Oh my God.

[F]

Hell yeah.

[A]

Back to you, Stevie Wonder. Bread over here. Have you been you. It seems like you're losing weight. Is that.

[F]

Yes, sir. I've been working out. I got a personal trainer now.

[A]

You do?

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, my God. What type of workouts does he have you doing exactly? Repetitively eating hot. What? What are you doing?

[F]

You do penny shoots out the ass. Let me get 45.

[A]

Petty shoots. What the is that? What type. What type of workouts are you doing to lose the weight?

[F]

A whole bunch of, man. I hate it, bro. Every time he'd be like, we got two bow sets. I'll be like, I'm about to eat. I hate working out, dog. I don't want to take the Glue Tide.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

But I'm working out.

[A]

Yeah, that's good.

[F]

Yeah. It's just eating less. That's pretty much it.

[A]

This is all good. Greg. It's been a while since you've seen David Lucas.

[B]

You look great, man.

[F]

What's up, Greg? Yeah, you don't you look like you just got bit by a vampire. Yeah, he got two holes on the side of his neck.

[B]

I got two what?

[F]

Holes on the side of your neck. You need a blood transfusion. That's what I'm talking about.

[B]

Is that another AIDS joke? There's a lot of AIDS jokes going around tonight.

[F]

You look symptomatic, Nick.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[F]

Anything I say, you got it.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[F]

Heartburn, chest pains.

[B]

I don't know. Whatever it is, I take a little and drop some weight. Yeah, take it. Just a hint of aids, a couple drops of aids.

[A]

We've got aids. David has Kool aids.

[F]

I don't even got one for Tony. I don't know what the.

[A]

What's that thing? What. What happens if you pull that yellow. Do you. Do you just do fill with more. More air?

[F]

If I pull it, I'mma go in the air. It's off white. It's a belt. Your boyfriend.

[A]

Oh, my goodness.

[F]

Couldn't get my joke out, cuz. Redb want to play these Looney Tune ass sounds. Wait, no.

[M]

Pull.

[A]

Pull it again. I heard something that was. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. David. What else is going on? You want to plug something, man?

[F]

I'm on tour like a motherfucker. I'm everywhere, bro. [e-mail], bro.

[A]

Next year, I'm doing Red Lobsters all around the country.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, nigga. You performing at HIV clinics. Get your. All the rainbow houses across the world. You know what's crazy in the city. So when we. When me and my family moved to make it Georgia, bro, there was this thing for gay called the Rainbow House. And they would house gay with hiv, bro. And do you know, one time somebody, a crackhead broke into that place to try to do something. You know the word? I don't want to demonetize y'.

[A]

All.

[F]

Rhymes with rake.

[A]

Oh, okay. So a crackhead went in there trying to rake an HIV person, and they.

[F]

But he didn't know it was a HIV house. Oh, yeah, that's real. That's real talk. It's called a rainbow house. It closed down after that.

[A]

Wow. Did the guy get aids?

[F]

I don't know, but he sued the city. That's crazy.

[A]

Isn't that interesting?

[F]

Yeah, it's. It's so weird for criminals, bro. You can sue for anything, bro. Like, you can probably sue because you turned out gay. You know what I'm saying? You can sue the city of

[B]

your

[A]

little smoke alarm plan to change the batteries over there. That's his vape pen. Making that noise. Everybody, the battery.

[F]

You want me to tell you something about smoking?

[A]

Lawrence, bro, so are you looking at your.

[F]

No.

[A]

What are you looking at? Your blood pressure right now. What's going on?

[F]

So, no, bro. I got a new place in Austin, bro. And brand new. And I was in there one week. I was in there one week and I went to buy smoke detectors at the Home Depot and the next day my smoke detectors were beeping. I think they sell niggas beeping smoke detectors. It was brand new and it was already beeping. I didn't need to change no batteries. It's racist. I don't know a nigga without a beeping smoke detector. It's crazy.

[A]

Are you sure you didn't just have something that you left in the microwave without opening the door and it wasn't trying to alert you? Cause you are guilty of a great many. All right, David, you're the man. Catch him on tour. David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen. Onward and upward we go. Yes. The man. One more time for David Lucas, everybody. The legend. All right, this is it. Bucket pool number seven. This looks like a fun name too. Make some noise for Deepak Panty. Deepak Panty. Come on. Make some noise for Deepak, everybody.

[I]

Okay, let's do this. Is it just me or you guys also feel like Hollywood makes slavery movies once every year just to whip rich black dude for 15 minutes? Nope, just me.

[H]

Okay.

[I]

I mean, I know it's acting, but come on. 15 minutes. Like, please stop that. We all get it. Whips to the back are painful. And I found out whips to the back are painful in my fifth grade. Actually, relax. Nothing happened to me. Wouldn't it be funny if I just came up here and went, my dad

[A]

beat the shit out of me and

[I]

I can't watch slavery movies anymore? Nope. I watched Passion of the Christ and we've all seen some kind of renactment or a play where Jesus is getting beat up. I don't know why though. Apparently it's not enough to say that Jesus suffered and died for our sins. We have to actually see the, you know, precious.

[A]

All right, Deepak Panty, let me start off with this question.

[C]

What?

[A]

Yes. Booze from the crowd. Very good. As of though, you actually had to make that noise for us to know that it wasn't good. Your lack of laughter told the entire story, Deepak. How long have you been attempting stand up comedy?

[I]

Two months.

[A]

Too much. And where are you from, Deepak?

[I]

India.

[A]

India. Oh my goodness gracious. So you're really born and raised In India. Greg Fitzsimmons. Let's check in here.

[B]

Well, I think this is a direct result of you guys getting rid of the drivers in your Ubers. We're gonna see a lot more of this.

[A]

That is true. They're gonna need stuff to do. They're gonna start chasing their dreams instead of picking us up. Deepak, how long have you been in America? By the sound of your accent, I'm guessing 25 minutes.

[I]

One and a half year, actually.

[A]

What?

[I]

One and a half year.

[A]

One and a half year. Adorable. And you came straight here to Austin, Texas?

[I]

Nope. I study masters in Cleveland State.

[A]

You what?

[I]

I study masters in Cleveland State.

[A]

You got your master's degree at Cleveland?

[I]

No, I'm still doing it.

[A]

You're still studying? What are you trying to major in? Hopefully English.

[I]

You can guess it, actually. Computer science.

[A]

Computer science. Wow. Deepak. Don't you guys just automatically come with a master's degree in that? Aren't you teaching that class at Cleveland State? Okay, so what do you plan to do once you get a computer science degree from Cleveland State? State? How about a hand for D Madness coming in. He's back. What do you plan to do with your computer science?

[I]

No idea.

[A]

No idea. And how is Cleveland for you? What made you pick Cleveland, Ohio, of all places? Dilapidated city.

[I]

Couldn't get anywhere else.

[A]

Okay. Were you not a great student?

[I]

Nope.

[A]

And why were you not a great student? Very rare for an Indian boy like you to not be a great student.

[I]

So I was kind of good till my high school and then fell off.

[A]

You think you have, like, a learning disability? Perhaps you have adhd.

[I]

What'd you say? I mean, adhd. You know what I mean.

[B]

When you call, like, Verizon Wireless tech support, how long does it take until you both break into Indian?

[I]

I actually talked to a scammer once. He was Pakistani, my neighbor. So we just chatted about. How did you get into this? So it was nice he could speak Hindi.

[A]

So how long again, how long have you been in America?

[I]

One and a half years.

[A]

One and a half years. And what are some things that you find shocking? Like what is super different here than India?

[I]

Toilet paper.

[A]

Toilet paper? Yes. That's a big one. That's a big one. How. What exact. Explain to us, when you're sitting on a toilet and you've gone number two, what exactly do you do with the toilet paper? How many pieces do you think you. You use?

[I]

I just bought a handheld bidet from Amazon and just.

[B]

I think he lost him when he said, when you sit on A toilet. Not hover over like a drone.

[A]

So you have a handheld bidet?

[I]

Yeah, my ex got chapped in a month or so.

[A]

Your ex got chappy?

[I]

My ass got chapped with the toilet paper, so.

[A]

Right. It got chapped.

[I]

Can't do it.

[A]

Don't do it. So you have a handheld bidet that is hooked up to your toilet directly?

[I]

Yeah, it just takes some plumbing.

[A]

Takes some plumbing. Yep. No doubt about it. And so you kind of like. Do you kind of. Do you go, like. Do you go from the backside with that or do you go in between and up missionary position or do you go doggy style or. It's hard to ask questions. It's hard to find new questions in 12 years of this show, but somehow, God damn it, we managed to do it. Explain to us the exact hand position of this hand, I think.

[I]

I think everyone goes front. Can't do it like this.

[A]

And do you look. Do you look at the toilet afterwards and see some shrapnel? A little disaster area, perhaps? Butter chicken.

[I]

I just do. Butter chicken is not that popular in India, actually. It's kind of sweet for us, but I just do one flush, so everything's there when I see it.

[A]

Okay. Deepak, what's your love life like? You have a girlfriend?

[I]

Nope.

[A]

Nope. Have you been on any dates since you've been to America?

[I]

Nope.

[A]

Not a single date?

[B]

Nope.

[A]

Have you kissed an American girl?

[I]

Nope.

[A]

Do you want to?

[I]

Nope.

[A]

No, you don't want to? Very interesting. Are you into specifically only Indian women?

[I]

Nope. This might kind of sound gay, but I can't do one night stands, actually.

[A]

What about one night stands?

[I]

Can't do it.

[A]

You can't do it? You want to fall in love with somebody?

[I]

No, not that. I just want to know the person before I show them my dick.

[A]

Wow. Okay. And where do you think you get this from? Is this something your parents taught you or religious or something or.

[I]

No, but I just kind of figured it out.

[A]

Have you been with a woman before? Are you a virgin?

[I]

No. Been with many.

[A]

You've been with many? Is that what you said?

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Is that a big deal? What?

[I]

Is that a big deal?

[A]

Is that a big deal?

[I]

Sorry. Go on.

[B]

I mean, you've been with many women. Is that is. Is that expensive? Does that add up

[I]

for them?

[A]

I love it. I love it. Deepak, what's an interesting fun fact about you that you think makes you different than anybody that's ever been on this show before?

[I]

I started doing comedy because I think comedy is dying right now.

[A]

You think it's dying right now. Okay, that's a very interesting take.

[I]

There are no more Doug Stanhopes, Bill Hicks Collins. Nope. There's just a bunch of people I see in the open mics trying to be cool. Retard this, retard that. You're gay. I'm autistic.

[A]

Okay.

[I]

So, you know, I guess. Deepak, the real ones here.

[A]

What? I don't really get it. Deepak. I'm gonna get you out of here. Deepak. Have you thought about taking a plane from London back to India? Here's a little. Here's a little joke book. Oh, geez. There he goes. Deepak Panty, everybody. Just a little warning. There might be a. There may be a suicide bombing outside after tonight's show. It's a little something to keep an eye out for. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? All right, Make some noise for your next bucket pool. John Beck. John Beck.

[C]

Austin, Texas. How's it going? Give it up for the Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Kameni, y'. All. How many of y' all are on dates here tonight? Because, like, war was declared for a second that, oh, look, I'm scared to go to war. Pussy. You know, like, how many here, Men are dogs, Am I right? Men are like, dogs. White women fuck them occasionally. They took down the. They took down the billboard outside my place of the kid who OD'd on fentanyl. I guess he got better. Like, give it up for that guy. Give it up for the Sleepy Time T Bear. That motherfucker's been sleeping on the job for 40 fucking years. Has anyone checked him? It might be, like, the dead the entire time. Tea bear. Like, motherfucker OD'd on Hibiscus. Yeah. So, yeah, I'm really glad we didn't go to the war. Cause, like, if a new kid outside San Diego, I don't think Mountain Dew would, like, last after the baja blast of 2025. Yo, those ninja Turtles, they're always saying, cowabunga. Those should be asking, howabunga. Like, I work in, like, food service. I have to deliver pizzas in the street. Hell, yeah.

[A]

John Bechtel, welcome to the show. Wow. My goodness gracious.

[C]

Hey, nice to meet you.

[A]

I love your energy, John.

[C]

I appreciate it. Tell me.

[H]

Thank you.

[A]

Very incredible. How long you been doing stand up?

[C]

A year and change.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

But, like, I used to, like, host things like growing up and whatnot.

[A]

Okay. An open mic in Chernobyl, perhaps, or something like that. Greg Fitzsimmons.

[B]

Well, a year in change. I would I would emphasize the change part a little bit.

[C]

Yeah, I've been doing stand up for, like, a year or so. I, like, used to host, like, a drunk history thing that was, like, my friends. It was just kind of like a group effort. Me and these, like, brassy, like, lesbians just watching wwe. Oh, it was a blast.

[A]

I love it. Did that show take place inside of a large microwave?

[C]

Perhaps alleyways.

[A]

You are an interesting guy. What's your ethnicity? What?

[C]

What are you very white? Yeah, yeah. No, like, German Irish.

[A]

Okay, German Irish. And you drink a lot?

[C]

Oh, well, for German Irish, you know, I try to make a good effort. Yeah, no, I've been living in Texas for 25 years now.

[L]

I love it.

[A]

Okay. Where were you at before that?

[C]

East Coast? Baltimore.

[A]

Okay. All right. And what do you do for work exactly?

[C]

I'm a fucking waiter. And it sucks.

[A]

Right. Okay.

[C]

I've been doing that for 16 years.

[I]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That's good. Is it. Is it, like, you make good money doing it?

[C]

I try to. You know, It's.

[A]

Is it a pizza restaurant?

[C]

Tony.

[A]

A genuine Tony. I've moved on, okay.

[C]

I've. I. You know, I've retired from the pizza.

[A]

What kind of restaurant is it?

[C]

It used to be a pizza restaurant, right?

[A]

Yeah. Okay.

[C]

I got fired from a couple of those.

[A]

What did you get fired for? Let's talk about that. Let's talk about the firings of John Beck.

[C]

You can't ask your old dipshit boss. He used to sit in the office, text all the girls in the kitchen, like, videos of him riding his BMX bike. Being like. You, like, knock on the door, he's like, yo, what the. Do you even do at this job? Yeah, you can't show up late after doing that.

[A]

I have no idea. Somehow I understood Deepak Pari better than you.

[C]

Once saw a guy chop his hand off. It was crazy.

[A]

You saw a guy chop his hand off?

[C]

Yeah, there was these, like, Nacogdoches twins. They're from, like, East Texas, you know, just whatever goes on in those woods.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Like, who knows? So this guy, this dipshit, sells me a broken PS3. The Saran Wrap melts. He takes this knife, and we're all just looking at this guy, and it's like this mother. He walks over the Saran Wrap, cuts it, open it. It's like. It's perfect. It works. For some reason, he swings again, chops off his hand. I never got money back for that PS3. How's it going? Austin, Texas? Give up for yourselves, y'.

[A]

All. John, have you ever been arrested before?

[C]

Actually, I have once.

[A]

Okay, once. What was that on February?

[C]

Oh, it was. It was April 18th. The night of April 18th, 2013. Look it up, y'. All.

[A]

You're not gonna tell us it's the

[C]

night the Boston Bombers got caught. So I'm watching that shit in the drunk tank. Everyone's hooting and hollering, and all these fucking cops keep on walking up to me, and you're like, you're the motherfucker who works at that goddamn sandwich restaurant. I worked in sandwiches before pizzas, Tony.

[A]

John, you are something else. What are you on exactly?

[C]

For legal reasons, I am sober for two years. Eventually.

[A]

Yeah, but both. Seriously, what are we on? Adderall and whiskey? Or, like, what is the exact combination?

[C]

I. I smoke a lot of now legal substances.

[A]

Oh, you brought out a little. You got a little gun there all of a sudden.

[C]

It's Texas, Tony. Welcome to Texas.

[A]

All right, thank you. I've been here five years, but, yes, thank you for the big welcome.

[C]

It's nice. Hey, welcome.

[A]

What are you on? That's the question.

[C]

Oh, I smoke a Halloween.

[A]

You smoke a. Hello, Weed. But where do you get this energy from?

[C]

I'm okay. I can't get diagnosed for, you know, Asperger's or autism. They're just like, you're annoying.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So, you know, I would get another opinion on that.

[C]

I rely on my friends with our. I'll prescribe.

[A]

You know what? It's a very, very rare happening. Only once every few months does Matt Muling, our electric guitarist, speak up. He has asked permission to speak, and he will speak now. This is Matt Muhling.

[D]

John Dees also smokes a hell of

[C]

a lot of weed.

[A]

Yeah, but his weed is white.

[B]

His weed is green,

[A]

John. Here you go, buddy. Here's a little joke book coming at you. John Bechdel, ladies and gentlemen.

[C]

Good night, y'.

[A]

All. There goes John Bechtel. We've had some wild bucket pools here tonight. All right, here's another one. This is a very interesting name yet again. And the name is I am Frank. Make some noise for I am Frank. Okay. Hello.

[K]

Kill Tony universe. It's great to be back. You know, they told me that my comedy would take a huge step forward if I told jokes that my audience here in Austin found more relatable. Oh, so I no longer trust black people. Why are their pants solo? No, relax, folks. It's only jokes. It's only jokes. And that joke is funny. D Madness. Because I, too, am a black man.

[C]

Oh,

[K]

didn't Want to leave him in the dark on that one? No, no, no.

[H]

Okay.

[K]

I don't think everyone here in Austin is racist, but it's hard not to feel that way when you've seen the things I've seen. Someone called me the N word in traffic. Yeah, I cut him off, but it was. He got unusually perturbed, started yelling slurs. Swipe, swipe me. He even threw banana peels at my car. That's when I said, I will never play Mario Kart online in the city again. No. Yes, I have.

[A]

Okay. Did it go better last time?

[K]

It went exactly how it's supposed to go.

[A]

Okay, what does that mean, exactly.

[K]

Went exactly how it's supposed to go.

[A]

That's what it meant. Someone just pointed out that his zipper's down. And that is very sad. This is really. We've really taken a turn here. It's very, very interesting what's happening tonight. Some very rugged bucket pools. I don't know if they're under prepared or maybe the nerves are getting to them. How do you feel, Frank? Right now? How do you feel? You're looking out there into the crowd. You're staring at them deep in their souls, bro.

[B]

We're here.

[A]

We're here. Tony, you are correct. What's up with the. The wrap around your arm there? Did something happen?

[K]

Yes.

[A]

What happened?

[K]

It's very tragic. What I donated. I donated plasma today.

[A]

Okay. You do that to make money from time to time?

[K]

Yeah, I do it.

[A]

How much money did you get from your plasma today? I'm not sure. You don't. You didn't even pay attention to the amount of money that you got paid strategically for donating plasma, which is what you did to get money today.

[K]

You know, it's not about the money for me, Tony. I'm in it for the love of the game.

[A]

All right, Frank, you got a little joke book last time. We're just gonna keep it moving, Frank. How about a hand for Frank, everybody? I am Frank. I'm gonna fix this. I'm gonna fix the momentum in the room right now by doing something absolutely insane. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna bring to the stage a man who is eventually going to be a citizen of the United States of America. A man who remains at this moment, the Estonian assassin. This is a brand new set from the one and only Ari.

[B]

Matty.

[A]

Yo, yo.

[O]

You know how they're, like, diversifying all the movie franchises? Now they're making, like, a gay James Bond. He's gotta suck so much dick to get those passwords. They're doing Taken, you know, Taken with Liam Neeson. They're doing one with a black dad. The phone just keeps ringing. Sorry, baby, had to make a stop. Feminists are upset. They're trying to cancel the new Catwoman movie that's coming out because the new Catwoman is Zoe Kravitz, a bangin bitch. And the feminists are saying, why does Catwoman always have to be some supermodel? Why couldn't Catwoman be like a plus size model? She needs to climb. You ever see a fat cat. Bitch? You can't be Catwoman. You can be Garfield.

[A]

Thank you so much. There is levels to this, ladies and gentlemen. And there he is, the arrival. Look at that shirt. You're so patriotic. God damn right. That's right.

[O]

That's a happy fourth of July. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Absolutely.

[G]

So excited.

[O]

It was my first Independence Day.

[A]

And tell us, tell us how you. What did you do? How did you enjoy it?

[O]

Well, it was just fun being in a country where I can celebrate victory for once. In Estonia, we don't have any of that fucking woohoo.

[A]

We did it.

[O]

Every one of our holidays is like on this day, 50,000 men, women and children take a. Against her will. We got.

[A]

Estonia gets historically kind of bullied by the bigger countries around it, huh? Well, yeah, we're tiny, huh?

[J]

Yeah, it's hard.

[O]

We'll do whatever everyone else is doing, you know.

[A]

You guys ever win like a big battle? Nothing like it. Nothing really.

[O]

Well, guys, when the Soviet Union collapsed, we kind of. We did a thing where we just sang.

[A]

Ah, perfect. Okay.

[O]

Guess that counts.

[A]

Yeah. And you guys do that. Is that like a holiday there? It's like a singing day.

[O]

Yeah, we sing all the time. We get together, we sing these horrible songs, you know, none of them are banger.

[A]

John Dees wants you to. Is there like a famous one? No, no, no, no, no. You don't want to sing a little Estonian fucking.

[O]

I actually don't know any of the lyrics. That's the issue. I've literally just mumbled along my whole fucking life.

[A]

All right, Greg Fitzsimmons, do you.

[B]

Whenever you. First of all, it's always great to see you. You're fucking great.

[A]

You too, Greg.

[B]

But what is there ever gonna be like a homecoming? Like, is there an arena to play in Eastonia? Is there like a big venue? You wanna go home someday and play?

[O]

Yeah, I've done it.

[B]

Oh, you have?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, it's an arena.

[O]

Not American standards. You know, it's right 80s eater, you know it's a.

[A]

Okay.

[O]

It's one of the biggest venues we got, you know.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

Very packed it out.

[O]

Yeah. 81, baby.

[A]

Yeah. What do you like to do when you go home?

[N]

I.

[O]

Well, I've sauna, you know, dick out, sauna. Dick out, sauna. I go to the bog, you know. You ever been to a bog?

[A]

What's a bog? Bog. A bog.

[N]

A bog.

[A]

What's a bog?

[O]

You know what a bog is?

[A]

Nobody knows what a bog is.

[O]

It's like,

[A]

yeah, see? Oh, a bog.

[O]

She knows a bog. Yeah.

[A]

Springs.

[O]

It's like. Yes.

[A]

No, not.

[O]

Not. Not springs. But it's a dirty little spring.

[A]

It's a dirty spring. Okay.

[O]

But it's quiet, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[O]

Not a lot of ethnic people. It's serene. Nobody talks too loud.

[A]

Like Shrek.

[O]

Everyone wears headphones.

[A]

It's like Shrek. Like swamp.

[O]

Yeah, Shrek. That was a big movie for us. It was. Shrek is about an imperialistic government taking a man swamp. It's our Schindler's list. When we got that swamp back. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

The jokes were just unbelievable tonight. I mean, thanks. Probably the best set of the night. I mean, absolutely incredible. All of it's so funny. A movie themed set because shit is crazy out there. They are really making some movies.

[O]

Yeah, make your own.

[A]

Yeah, they're doing some wacky stuff. I watched Gladiator 2 and Denzel Washington's just in it. He's just in it throughout and it just is impossible to. Not every time just go like, what's going on? What are we doing here? Yeah, just a. It's just a regular old Roman black guy, as we know.

[C]

Yeah.

[O]

No one's acting weird. Everyone's like, yeah, sure, tell us what to do.

[A]

He's giving orders to other Romans and stuff. It's like just so. It's pretty wild. Like, we always suspend belief in movies, Right. But like really stands out when they try to do these serious things. Yeah, they're really doing a black. A black Taken.

[O]

I hope so.

[B]

It's called Took.

[A]

Yeah, It's a movie about somebody's wallet.

[O]

I have a very set of skills to stay the away from my family.

[A]

Very fun. Well, Ari, I mean, you absolutely destroyed. You did it again, Ari. Maddie. Ladies and gentlemen, we're going into overtime here. Let's get one more bucket pull up here. Make some noise for Kelly Lusk, everyone. Kelly Lusk, our 10th bucket bowl.

[P]

Hello, everyone. So I have this gay friend and he's gotten into some pretty wild butt stuff lately. So now Whenever he farts, it just goes. Tony has the same thing. You know what I'm talking about, right, Tony? Yeah. He's probably over there ha ing right now. My friend's name is David, but I call him Anal Cave Dave. I think that's appropriate. And then he recently told me that he started getting into feet. He likes sucking on toes. And I was like, oh, man. If somebody was, like, sucking on my toe, the only thing I could think about is when I go get a pedicure, the fucking cheese grater they bring out to grate the Parmesan off of my feet. It's like at Olive Garden, people just tell me when. Okay, I'm done.

[A]

Fucking disgusting.

[P]

I know.

[A]

Kelly Lusk, right back to that bucket. We have a demented bucket here tonight. I don't know if anybody's paying attention to it. We have been saved by a lot of golden ticket winners and regulars. Sir Winston Pickles was the highlight of the bucket.

[P]

How was that? I was curious.

[A]

You know Sir Winston Pickles?

[P]

Well, I saw him and I was, like, very curious how that went.

[M]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, it's great. We love Sir Winston Pickles.

[P]

Fantastic. I can't wait to watch.

[A]

Yep, yep. You're going to see it. You might want to skip your part, Kelly. Last time you were on, you brought an adorable picture of you and your sister.

[P]

That's right.

[A]

Her sister looked like a cute, normal little girl. And Kelly looked like her.

[B]

Like her is your sister Rosie o'? Donnell?

[P]

So many comments about the Rosie o'. Donnell. A lot of comments about that. Yeah.

[A]

Kelly, tell us something we didn't learn about you last time you were on.

[P]

Let's see. Something really weird about me is I have this thing called Misophonia where, like, weird, like, noises make me go into a rage. It's normally, like, mouth noises, you know, like smacking. Exactly that.

[A]

All right. Right, fam.

[P]

It makes you go from, like, zero to, like, I will fucking murder you if you don't stop like that.

[A]

And have you. What's the angriest that you've gotten in public or something like that?

[P]

Okay, So I was working with this girl one time, and she was, like, popping her gum, and she just over and over and over again and, like, she didn't know I had this issue or whatever, and she just kept doing it, and I just turned around. I was like, if you don't stop popping your gum, I'm gonna smack you in the face. I just totally went off on her.

[A]

Wow.

[P]

Yeah.

[A]

Absolutely incredible. D Madness is a master of mouth noises. Oh, do you got anything for us? What do you got any fun mouth noises? There you go.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

All right, Kelly, we're gonna keep it moving. There goes Kelly Lusk, your final bucket pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen. There she goes. Thank you, Kelly. And now, I mean, what an episode. What kind of episode has Jack Shaw. Fiona Collie, David Lucas, Ari Maddie. Sir Winston Pickles. Who could have. Who could forget some of the low lights tonight? Offender Sunny Castillo. John Bechtel. I am Frank was very sad. There's only one way to end. End an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen, and it is with the all time record holder for appearances, interviews, sets, everything. The man has done it all. God's favorite comedian, a man that they call the Memphis strangler. The vanilla gorilla brought to you by nicked and open phone. The nicked nuisance. The open phone Opus. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the big red machine, William Montgomery.

[E]

If an alien spaceship crashed right in front of me, I'd probably assume I was about to encounter a female alien. I found out recently Michael Jackson had my favorite amusement ride, the Zipper at his Neverland ranch. You know how awesome it would have been to go there as a kid? Ever been in a situation where you wanted to smoke weed but it wasn't 4:20. It's like 10:45am well, here's a quick start, stoner hack. Go to your oven set to 420 degrees. Doesn't matter if you don't have anything to cook. And then when you're done smoking, you're like, I want to keep smoking. No problem. Keep your oven at 420. Saddest thing was standing in line at Dollar General and out of nowhere turned gay. Okay, I turned gay, Tony, at the Dollar General.

[A]

But why? Why would you do that?

[E]

As it's a dollar general? Isn't that what happens? People just turn gay? I thought people just turn gay.

[A]

But why? Why? Born that way. Why would they?

[E]

People are just turn gay.

[A]

Why would they turn gay at Dollar General?

[E]

Because I'm at the Dollar General standing in line. I'm thinking, I don't know. But that's just where I turn gay. So with story in my head, that was what it was. I just turned gay.

[A]

What were you getting at the Dollar General? What do you like to shop for a dollar General?

[E]

Hawaiian punishment punch.

[A]

Oh yeah, what else? What else do you like to get at Dollar General? Huh?

[E]

Marshmallows. Oh yeah, I love marshmallows. Hawaiian punch.

[A]

Okay, what else do you get?

[E]

Cream spinach is always good there in the cans.

[A]

Oh, all right.

[E]

Milk, 2% milk.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

Maybe a toy or something. I don't know, Tony, but yeah.

[A]

What kind of toys. What kind of toys have you bought at Dollar General?

[E]

Oh, man, you get the little Legos. This guy doesn't want to hear about any of them.

[B]

Stop it, Tony.

[A]

You don't give a shit. It is such an odd time to use the restroom.

[E]

Is that your husband, sir? Oh, you wish.

[A]

Wow. Doing a little crowd work over here. This guy's on fire tonight.

[E]

I'm sorry. I'm on one tonight. I have again my clogged carotid arteries. So I'm trying to live life to the fullest. I have 10 years.

[A]

The doctors gave him 10 years to live?

[E]

Yep. So just trying to live life to the fullest and having a good time. And it was raining. It was so weird. I actually was at one of those camps.

[A]

Oh, no, no. There's no.

[E]

I was helping look for people.

[A]

There's a hundred people dead, William.

[E]

I was helping looking for people. Did you see the article today about the. The Navy diver up in the helicopter? I was with that guy.

[A]

What were you doing exactly with him?

[E]

I was lowering the rope down. It was on this pulley system and I had to lower the rope down really fast. And then I do it back up.

[A]

Oh, my God. You're in charge of that?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

How many?

[E]

I was doing all the rowing and they're like, okay, this guy's going to be strong enough. And yeah, I helped save 100 people this weekend.

[A]

Wow. Amazing. I'm surprised nobody clapped for that. That's incredible.

[B]

Yeah, a little fucked up. Little fucked up.

[A]

So what types of people did you save? What did they look like?

[E]

Oh, my gosh. It was. Well, this was a bunch of whites. I was thinking maybe be Hispanic people or something, but it was mainly white people at these camps.

[A]

Very interesting. Why do you think that is? Why do you think there's so many white people people at camps?

[E]

I don't know. Honkies be crazy, man. I mean, honky. I don't know. I was always.

[B]

I would always.

[E]

I always scared of getting homesick. So I never. I only went to day camps growing up.

[A]

Ooh, day camp. What would you do? What did you like to do at day camp?

[E]

I used to love making pottery at day camp. I used to love going in the lake. All kinds of stuff. It was really fun. I'm trying to think of more stuff.

[A]

Yeah, take it nice and slow. Think of some stuff that you love to do with camp. Name something.

[E]

Red band. Help Me?

[A]

No. No red band. No red band. Can't help you. This can't be a. That can't be part of the thing. You gotta just think of things on your own. What would you do at the camp? Why don't you name some more things you get at $some? I'm sorry.

[E]

I'm freezing up for forever. I'm freezing up, though.

[A]

Maybe a slinky.

[E]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Maybe it's kind of fun. It's kind of. Kind of fun to do you. Maybe a candy bowl. Oh, I like this. Oh, okay. Maybe like basketball. Oh, they got basketballs for a dollar?

[B]

Yes.

[E]

At Dollar General.

[A]

Are they, like, tiny?

[E]

Okay, what else?

[A]

Maybe a live action Snow White Dog. No, not that, dumbass.

[E]

God, you know how to really butcher a fun thing Tony and I are doing together, dumbass.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Idiot.

[A]

Maybe a marble. Yeah. A single mar. Yeah.

[E]

Maybe an apple.

[A]

These people are not entertaining.

[E]

I'm sweating and you are.

[A]

Your carotid artery is acting up.

[E]

I know. My neck is constantly hurting now, Tony. It feels like my neck is. It feels like I can feel the plaque in my neck. So.

[A]

Wow.

[E]

Fun to be here, Tony.

[A]

What else do you get at Dollar General, William?

[E]

Shit, Tony. I mean, I've been getting a bunch of puzzles.

[A]

He loves puzzles.

[E]

I know. I'm still stuck on one. Tony, it's been a month.

[A]

What's the puzzle that you're stuck on right now?

[E]

It has all these women's hands with different colored fingernail polish.

[A]

Whoa.

[E]

They're like, grabbing stuff on a table and it's like a couple lobsters. There's different seafood items, but the hands are hard as fuck and the table's a white table. So it's just a really hard puzzle. So I'm about to call it quits, and I bought two more. So I have two more ready in the chamber, but I'm about to call it quits on this one.

[A]

You got puzzles in the chamber?

[E]

I got two of them in the chamber, Tony.

[A]

Oh, wow. You got puzzles in the chamber. Oh, my goodness. What are the other puzzles that you have in the chamber, William?

[E]

Oh, well, I'm really looking forward to the one. It's like somebody just opened a refrigerator. So it's a bunch of different foods in the refrigerator.

[A]

What types of foods are in the refrigerator?

[E]

Fuck, we're talking watermelon. I don't know. Sandwiches. All different.

[A]

Good.

[C]

This.

[O]

Okay.

[A]

William Montgomery has done it again, ladies and gentlemen. The red goat is thriving. Business is booming. The drawing from Ryan J. E belt is in. Make some goddamn noise. So the great Greg Fitzsimmons, he's going to La Hoya Potts down Pennsylvania Point Pleasant, New Jersey. Fitz dog.com fitz dog.com let's see what Chris Roger Rogers drew up tonight. Live in house. Oh Maddie, look at that. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? Thank you to nicked nicotine pouches and open phone. This was so much. Did you guys have fun tonight? So did we. Redban Check out the Sunset Strip. Sunsetstripatx.com Love you guys. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night everybody.

[I]

It.

[A]

Sat Straight Comedy club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.