#685 - SAM TALLENT

Summary

KILL TONY #685 - SAM TALLENT

Live from Comedy Mothership, Austin, Texas
Release Date: October 1, 2024
Guest: Sam Tallent
Hosts: Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban
Regulars: Ari Matti, Cam Patterson, William Montgomery
Band: Groove Line Horns, Matt Muhling, John Dees, D-Madness

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Episode Overview

This raucous installment of Kill Tony (#685) features comedian Sam Tallent as the special guest, returning to much fanfare from both the hosts and the audience. As ever, a diverse bucket of hopefuls and regulars take their shot at a hot room, with sharp commentary, roasting, and organic, often unhinged, conversations springing forth. The episode is driven by the unpredictable live chemistry between the comics, regulars, and musicians, finding hilarity in moments scripted and wholly unexpected.

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Main Themes & Structure

• Celebration of Comedy Community: The episode consistently highlights the camaraderie and shared grind in stand-up, especially the role of Kill Tony in launching careers.
• Unfiltered, Roasting Vibe: True to form, the show’s tone is relentless, irreverent, and freely offensive, with frequent riffs about race, careers, relationships, and the absurdities of comic life.
• Growth, Bombs, and Redemption: From seasoned comics to first-timers, the ep showcases both triumphs and spectacular failures—with Tony and company squeezing laughs and lessons out of all.

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1. Introduction & Guest Welcome (03:19-05:03)

• Tony Hinchcliffe introduces Sam Tallent with a classic bit of showmanship, drawing a parallel between Sam and current giants like Tim Dillon and Shane Gillis, framing him as a "ticking time bomb” on the verge of blowing up.
• Sam Tallent’s Gratitude:

  “The fucking Kill Tony fan base has changed my life... I'm just so grateful to be a part of this community.” (05:03, Sam Tallent)

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2. Pre-Bucket Banter: Comedy Careers & Booking Woes (06:19-07:46)

• Sam bemoans social media’s role in club bookings, joking about needing 100,000 Instagram followers just to get rejected by a London club.
• Tony and Redban riff on the challenges of selling tickets in certain regions (e.g., Connecticut), poking fun at the grind behind the scenes.

  “Truly the most garbage place in America. My advice—just don't perform in Connecticut.” (06:47, Tony Hinchcliffe)

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3. Regulars & Notable Audience Roasts

Ari Matti (09:39-12:44)

• Estonian-American regular opens with a high-wire bit on open carry gun culture in Texas as a European.
  • Tony, Redban, and others riff on his outfit and anatomy, leading into a running “beanbag”/balls joke.
  • Typical ribbing about national identity and Ari’s physical presence.

  “My dick looks like it's on a bean bag.” (12:25, Ari Matti)

The Quincy/Blackness Bit (14:00-18:13)

• A front row British producer named Quincy becomes an extended running gag, as Tony, Redban, and others play “How Black Are You?” with the band and crowd.
  • Sample quote:

    “Welcome to another episode of Black British Guy. I'm a producer here.” (14:06, Tony)

  • Quincy’s music gets played and unexpectedly impresses everyone, blurring the line between clowning and genuine promotion.

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4. Bucket Highlights (Newcomers, Bombs, and Standouts)

Tom Feeback (19:29-30:20)

• Well-crafted set on poverty, donating plasma, and the indignities of medical screening.
• Interview delves into his real job (UberEats), offering comic grist about food deliveries and customer names.
• Cautions new comics about scam gig offers.

  “There's not a gig in the world that will need your banking info, by the way.” (29:18, Tony)

Darren Jones (30:44-44:26)

• Raw set on religion, abortion, and the second coming.
• Impresses with deadpan delivery and freestyling on request.
• Personal life reveals: working in a lumber yard, divorce from Zimbabwean wife, her nostalgia for home, and cultural differences.

  “She still ain't happy... just go home and see if you good over there.” (40:18, Darren Jones)

Dan Nolan (45:41-52:31)

• Crisp material on trans porn, being tall, and fertility issues.
• Returns after signing up 50 times in Austin, to much applause from inside the scene.
• Interview touches his Belarusian girlfriend and their efforts to have a baby amid fertility challenges.

  “I always thought I had a small penis. Turned out it was just far away.” (46:13, Dan Nolan)

Mike Hammock (53:01-62:05)

• Polished set from a Denver comic about marriage and the relative worth of a 3% mortgage versus being seduced.
• Discusses fatherhood, sleep-deprived children, and his cybersecurity career.
• Notable moment: He sings lullaby “Rock-a-bye Baby” at Tony’s request.

  “It’s a pre-COVID mortgage. What are your tits made out of, custody?” (53:41, Mike Hammock)

• Mike wins a chance to perform in the club’s other room after narrowly missing his open-mic spot—an authentic “lucky break” moment for a traveling comic.

Cam Patterson (Regular, 63:07-74:38)

• Bit on weed, THC syrup, and a friend’s catastrophic high.
• Spontaneous, rapid-fire back-and-forths about being "autistic," discovering that pickles are cucumbers, and learning other food facts—culminating in belly laughs from the whole panel.

  “I just found out that a pickle was a cucumber yesterday. Do not listen to me.” (68:14, Cam Patterson)

• Crowd and hosts lose it at Cam’s confession and exploration into fruit/vegetable origins.

Eric McLaughlin (75:33-95:13)

• Newbie’s awkward set about a wet dream of an underage former crush, handled nervously.
• Interview exposes his inexperience but also his willingness to play along.
• Tony and Heidi orchestrate a make-believe date at Applebee’s, coaching Eric through each bumbling move.

  “You seem like a good looking guy until you talk.” (81:28, Tony Hinchcliffe)

• Extended, hilarious, and brutal but encouraging roast.

Shelly Peebles (96:25-108:39)

• Dental hygienist talking her way through menopause, weed, and ADHD but lands few real punchlines.
• Tony tries to coax a joke or church song out of her; band tries to help her sing.
• Despite the rough set, Shelly’s self-effacing answers and willingness to play along get chuckles.
• Most memorable exchange:

  “What's drier, your pussy or your sense of humor?” (105:01, Tony Hinchcliffe)

Eddie Larsa (109:27-118:38)

• Material about dating a girl who denies dinosaurs exist, religious upbringings, and autism/dinosaur obsessions.
• Interview reveals Eddie’s struggles with addiction, wild relationships, and repeatedly getting physically beaten up (“My last girlfriend broke my face in six places...”).
• Sam Tallent and Tony riff on surviving rough patches.

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5. William Montgomery Closes Out (119:04-129:31)

• Reliably absurd set on Trump, Haitian immigrants, and CIA conspiracies.
• Banters about his recent gigs, throat issues, and his nicotine habit.
• Quick-witted exchanges about family cancer scares and his potential “retirement.”

  “It would be bad. I'd probably have to stop doing it if people stop laughing. So we'll see. Right this second, they're still laughing. So we'll see how long that can happen.” (128:38, William Montgomery)

• Jokes flow one after another as William interacts with regulars, Sam, and the hosts—ending on a note of camaraderie and mutual appreciation.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Sam Tallent on His Ascendancy:

  "The fucking Kill Tony fan base has changed my life. You guys buy tickets and come to the shows, and I'm just so grateful to be a part of this community." (05:03)

• On the Nature of Success in Comedy:

  "It's where we found all our regulars... all our golden ticket winners. Sometimes it's a crazy person. Sometimes it's someone that's been doing it a long time that buckles under the pressure. Sometimes it's someone brand new that thrives." (18:35, Tony Hinchcliffe)

• Cam Patterson's Educational Journey:

  "A couple episodes ago, I said, 'legalize fentanyl.' And 20 people came to my show with 'legalize fentanyl' shirts... I just found out that a pickle was a cucumber yesterday. Understand? Do not listen to me." (67:49-68:14, Cam Patterson)

• William Montgomery on Comedy Mortality:

  “So come to see me because it’s not gonna be long until I really just stop doing it.” (128:59)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Opening remarks, introductions: 00:00–03:19
• Guest intro & industry talk: 03:19–07:46
• Ari Matti set & roasts: 09:39–14:42
• Quincy/How Black Are You? bit: 14:42–18:13
• Tom Feeback (UberEats bit): 19:29–30:20
• Darren Jones (rap, Zimbabwe story): 30:44–44:26
• Dan Nolan (trans jokes, fertility): 45:41–52:31
• Mike Hammock (mortgage, fatherhood, lullaby): 53:01–62:05
• Cam Patterson (weed, cucumbers): 63:07–74:38
• Eric McLaughlin (first-timer, fake date): 75:33–95:13
• Shelly Peebles (menopause, dental, rough set): 96:25–108:39
• Eddie Larsa (dinosaurs, bar fights): 109:27–118:38
• William Montgomery (closer): 119:04–129:31
• Wrap-up, credits, announcements: 129:31–end

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Episode Tone & Final Thoughts

The episode is a high-energy, uncensored celebration of the live comedy scene, merging seasoned talent with wildcards from the bucket. Sam Tallent, a Kill Tony favorite, elevates the room and keeps the clubby feel alive. The show’s tone is consistently brash and roast-heavy, but deeply supportive of comics at all levels.
Frequent callbacks, running gags (like Quincy's ambiguous blackness; Cam's food revelations; the fake Applebee’s date), and musical bumps from the Band keep the episode dynamic and unpredictable—making it quintessential Kill Tony.

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For fans or newcomers, this episode delivers the full Kill Tony experience: raw stand-up, behind-the-curtain talk, and a relentless pace of ball-busting that reveals much about the heart (and the hustle) of the comedy world.

Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV and now on Spotify and Apple podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to tonyhinchcliffe.com everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates at tonyhinchcliffe.com if you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to Death Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Ratman Cody live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas

[Brian Redban]

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Get up for Tony X class. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Yeah, make some noise. Clear Red Band. And how about one more time for the best damn band in the fucking land. Jesus Christ almighty. If you guys don't know what goes on here in the pre shows, it is is truly the live music capital of the fucking world. And we flex on. Have you guys ever heard music like that in your fucking lives? Make some noise for groove line horns down here. Crushing. Fernando Castillo. Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo. Michael Gonzalez. Nachos Belgrande. Huevos rancheros. Queso enchilada. Matt Muhling on the guitar, ladies and gentlemen. Holy shit. John Dees, the leader of it all, back here, D Madness on the bass guitar. And you guys. Sorry you guys didn't get to see her on this show, but how about one more time for the lovely summer, everybody. Solstice. Solstice. Unfucking believable. She works here at Mitzi's and it's just incredible the talented people that work here on so many different levels. We have fucking Jiu Jitsu champions, fucking singers, everybody. It's unbelievable. So, yeah, a lot of special stuff happening before we get tonight's episode started. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

[Heidi]

Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you guys ready to start the show or what? You are here. You are the lucky ones that were able to be here on this night. Just like every other episode I book sometimes two, sometimes three. And on very special nights, just one of the very best comedians in the world. This is one of those nights where I love this guest so much that I like to let the show breathe. I like to be able to sit back and let me and the guest and Red Band's wacky soundboard do some work and really drive home the backbone of this show which are the people pulled out of the bucket and the regulars that we get to watch grow. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's guest, one of the front runners for guest of the year. Ladies and gentlemen, a freak of nature. This is one of those guys. Much like, much like many of you may not have known Tim Dillon before he was Tim Dillon or Shane Gillis before he was Shane Gillis. This is one of those guys where it is a ticking time bomb. If you don't know, the rest of the world will know. This is one of the best stand up comedians in the fucking world. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the great and powerful Sam Talon. Oh yeah baby. Oh yeah. He is here. He's back. Let's fucking go. This is where the magic happens. Absocking lootly. We're gonna have some goddamn Fun to tonight. 263 people have signed up for the show. Sam, how are you? Welcome back.

[Brian Redban]

I mean I'm a bit misty eyed, honestly. That was such a nice intro. And these people, the fucking Kill Tony fan base has changed my life. And you guys buy tickets and you come to the shows and I'm just so grateful to be a part of this community. Sorry, I'm opening sincerely. That's not why you're here. That's good. Let me be vulnerable immediately. Yes, that's a key to success here at Kill Tony. But yeah, I mean I was in Rome, I was in Amsterdam, I was in Dublin, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where do people get tickets for your shows? For your samtalent.com samtalent.com with two L's in that talent. By the way, I forgot to mention, this episode is brought to you by Squarespace, Talkspace, Game time, Shopify and ZipRecruiter. Ka ching, ka ching, ka ching, Ka ching. 260 people signed up for tonight's episode. This bucket is absolutely filled. I mean this is thick and girthy. Well, if you guys see this and I literally, I mean it's always, I always do that. But you can't really tell. There's so many in there. And I like to get down and

[Brian Redban]

in and you dig it out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I do, I like to see if I can make it.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Squirrel.

[Brian Redban]

You should look the bucket in the eye if you're going that deep on it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's a nasty little bitch of a bucket.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, can I say something petty real quick?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Brian Redban]

There's a comedy club in London that won't book me unless I get to 100,000 followers on Instagram. So if you motherfuckers could follow me on Instagram amtalent, so then I can not work that club. Once I've achieved that goal. That would be. Oh, yeah, that would be huge.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, You're a theater act now, Sam.

[Brian Redban]

Well, plenty of tickets available in Bridgeport, Connecticut. Let me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, yeah, you could look back at the. At the highlight reel of times that I've talked about Connecticut on the show and see that almost nobody can sell tickets in Connecticut unless you are literally a. In which case that's my issue. They're like, this guy is like us. And I'm gonna go see the. I live in Connecticut. Truly the most garbage place in America. It's unbelievable. My advice, just don't perform in Connecticut. Make them dry. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. And then make them drive to Madison Square Garden. That's. That's what I do.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, well, I won't be doing Madison Square Garden anytime soon, so please make the drive to Bridgeport. They added a Thursday, so that's insane. They're like, hey, no one's coming to Friday and Saturday. Why don't you come in a day early? So thank you all. Congrats on msg, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's.

[Brian Redban]

That's a big moment in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. In comedy history. That's huge.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's unbelievable. A lot of other fun stuff. Stuff coming up, a lot of big announcements happening. It's all very, very exciting. Just in case this is the first time you're watching this show, if this is your first kill, Tony, we have to tell you that I pre pulled the name. That person's getting wrangled from the bar across the street. When they get up here, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up, and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then. Or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear that interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview. We find out more about them, what makes them interesting, what could talk about how they could possibly be better or get better or. Or sometimes it's just a superstar and we find them and it happens. And their career thrives here on Kiltoni. Anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's show while we wrangle that comedian from across the street? I have a regular for you guys, and he is a superstar. His adventure started very, very recently. Meanwhile, he's considered a heavy fan favorite in the history of the show on this adventure of his. As he continues to conquer all of his goals, the number one goal is still amongst us, which is making him a citizen of the United States of America. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a brand new minute from the Estonian assass.

[Ari Matti]

I love you too. I love Texas. I love it. I do have to say one thing as a European, though. Open carry is fucking bananas. I've never seen so many guns in the wild before. Everybody's got guns here. I went to, like, Whole Foods, saw a mother with a gun. Just two kids and a gun and you could see these kids. Listen, You can tell these kids, go to bed by 10pm or there's gonna be a who homeschool shooting. I could never have a gun. I'm a psycho. I could never walk around with the ultimate argument finisher. Every interaction I'm in would escalate. I would be at the McDonald's like, oh, the ice cream machine is off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Turn it on.

[Ari Matti]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And that is how it's done. Superstar Ari Matty has done it again.

[Ari Matti]

Hey, somebody has your merch, Sam. That's crazy.

[Brian Redban]

I know. Get it on at Sam Talon on Instagram. Were you playing tennis on a yacht today? Ari?

[Ari Matti]

That is. Well, usually you have shorts on too, so I figured I'll do a little thing. But now this motherfucker, long pants. Fuck.

[Brian Redban]

So first you're stealing my job and now my.

[Ari Matti]

Look, I do know I look fucking nautical today.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at that thing. Speaking of nautical, look at the fucking compass on this fucking guy. That thing's pointing north, south, east and west. Holy.

[William Montgomery]

Holy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know which direction. Whoa, don't touch it like that, Ari. Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus. What I see here, Estonia's. Oh, my goodness. I see your Latvia and your Lithuania. Holy. Looks like a goddamn vodka bottle in there. My goodness.

[Ari Matti]

I don't. I don't actually. My dick is like cookie. But I have huge balls, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you got those, Ari. Fatt in.

[Ari Matti]

You might think it's big, but you don't know. It's 80% balls. My dick looks like it's on a bean bag.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're so European. You literally have soccer balls. Incredible. That is the total package you have there.

[Ari Matti]

My eyes are up here, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm sorry. I'm still thinking of dick jokes. It is incredible. It is amazing. What do you think, huh?

[Dan Nolan]

You like it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, look out. That Latino guy will get you pregnant you keep putting that thing in his face like that. That's what they do. Why are you saying no? Oh, he's black. Is that what he told you? All right. It's an illegal immigrant. Hey, I'm African American.

[Brian Redban]

I swear to God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I'm black, dude. Don't do with those Trace and me. I mean, 23 and me. Oh, wait, that's not the genetic one.

[Brian Redban]

I that up guy getting involved. All right, woke up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I guess the Mexicans are always excited to claim one of their own over here. What do you guys think? He looked black to you? Okay, Gonzalez says no. Carlos Sosa gives a shaky hand. Fernando Castillo. Raul Vallejo says hard. No. I mean, that is a hard no.

[Brian Redban]

I'll say it. You look black.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for work, sir? A what?

[Brian Redban]

A producer.

[Ari Matti]

He's British. Yeah, I'm a fucking producer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm a producer. Yes. Oh, black. I'm a producer. Oh, hello. Welcome to another. Welcome to another episode of Black British Guy. I'm a producer here. I secured seats to the front row of the show. I'm just like any other black guy hanging out with a Mexican woman. Looking Mexican. You're black too. Oh, get the fuck. You know. What is going on? What is. What is this, the Kamala Harris section? You guys are not black. You're not black. You're not black.

[Cam Patterson]

You're not black.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome to Kill Tony. This is Kill Tony. All right, we're gonna check in with John Dees, our senior black correspondent here. Yeah, thanks for asking me first.

[Darren Jones]

And we should ask them questions to see if they're black.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome to another episode of How Black Are you? They just covered. They both just covered up their faces like that, by the way.

[Brian Redban]

Whoa, I didn't see your fingernails. She is black.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, that is true.

[Brian Redban]

That is a black woman.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can. I'm starting to see it now. I'm starting to see it. Ari, put that microphone up to the. To the gentleman's face. What's your name, sir? Quincy. My name's Quincy. Hello. Oh, I'm from the mean streets of oh Abbey Road oh, oh toodaloo and hooty hoo oh, I'm so black. All right, what are you producing? Quincy Music. Okay, what kind of music? Like rap music. Oh, British rap music. Hello. You've heard of the black Beatles, perhaps? Song by Ray Strumond.

[Brian Redban]

The rhythm of the street speaks to me, isn't it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perhaps you've heard some of my songs, Queen Kunta. What do you do any of the rapping? No, no, no. Just the music. No, you just do the background music. Okay. Are there is. How can we find some of your music? Can we. It's on Spotify. It's on Spotify.

[Brian Redban]

Spotify.

[Ari Matti]

It's on fucking Spotify.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yes. How would we find it? What's. You're about to blow the up right now, whether you want to or not. Type in. No, put in.

[Ari Matti]

What kind of producer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm thinking of a song. Put in Burning. Burning. It's called Grm and then Burning. Grm. Burning. Yeah, that's one of the songs. Grm.

[Brian Redban]

You sound really excited for this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red band doesn't know how to spell Grm, so just. It's just gonna be a second here.

[Brian Redban]

You can spell G, R, A, V, Y.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I don't think there's a G in it. Is this it with M. Huncho? Yeah. Oh, he doesn't look excited. Let's hear. Oh, hey. All right. Another beautiful day. Where are my homies at? Let's have some bloody tea. Oh, my goodness. The trolley is late, but I'm on time.

[Brian Redban]

It.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, all right, all right. You win. British. All right, thank you.

[Cam Patterson]

Sort of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is a crazy show. Sometimes you can make it big from the front row at this show. That's a. You got some beats there, dude.

[Ari Matti]

That was way better than I expected, to be honest. Holy.

[Brian Redban]

I like how it started. Chinese.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We really cannot put a finger on this guy's race.

[Brian Redban]

He's like, keep him guessing, brother. All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing stuff. What a. What a way to get it started. Ari, you are the fucking man.

[Brian Redban]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I cannot wait to see it happen. We are one election away from Ari. Maddie becoming an American citizen. I'm positive of it. Oh, it's the lovely Heidi. All right. And so it begins. We move on to the bucket. This is where we find our next. Next who? It could be. Anything can happen here. It's where we found all of our regulars. It's where we found every golden ticket winner that's ever been on this show. Sometimes it's a crazy person. Sometimes it's a person that's been doing it a long time that buckles under the pressure. Sometimes it's someone that's brand new that thrives. Anything can happen. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pool tonight with 60 seconds uninterrupted, goes by the name of Tom Feback. Here we go, Tom Feedback.

[Tom Feeback]

What's up, guys? I have a girlfriend. We've been trying to spice up our sex life a little bit recently. You know, like the other day she gave me roadhead. Yeah, and that's a great time until the Uber driver kicks you out. That is not a good time. I'M poor. I think I did the poorest thing you could do recently, and that's donate plasma. That has to be the brokest shit you could do. Whenever you go to donate plasma, they always make you do this questionnaire. And all the questionnaire wants to know is if you're gay. That's the entire first question. Have you had sex with a man? I'm like, no. Next one was, have you had sex with a man even once? I'm like, that's the same exact question. And then they give you one to throw you off the scent a little bit, you know? They're like, have you eaten today? I'm like, yeah, I ate. They're like, yeah, pretty hungry after sucking all that cock, huh? I'm like, no, just here for my $40, dude.

[Ari Matti]

Just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know.

[Tom Feeback]

They have signs in that place, you know, they'll say something like, today you saved a life. I don't give a fuck about saving someone's life. Like, you could literally tell me. What you do with my plasma is we take it and we make nuclear bombs with it. I'd be like, you said $40, right? You said 40. Fucking kill him, dude. Fuck it. All right, guys, that's everything.

[Mike Hammock]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tom Feeback.

[Brian Redban]

Tommy, what's up, Tony?

[Tom Feeback]

How you doing, Sam?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Solid. 60 seconds. Set. This is your first time on the show?

[Tom Feeback]

It's my second time on the show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Awesome, awesome. How long you been doing stand up?

[Tom Feeback]

Almost four years now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Four years? Where at?

[Tom Feeback]

Chicago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And now you live here?

[Tom Feeback]

Yeah, I've been here, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you lived here for?

[Tom Feeback]

I've been here for about four months now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How do you like it? How's it going?

[Tom Feeback]

So far so good, you know, just doing spots around town, getting up as much as I can.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Brian Redban]

I like the Shane Gillis posture that he had on stage.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah? Yep.

[Brian Redban]

Shane came along and now everyone fucking stands like this, like they're hiding half a hoagie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's so true.

[Brian Redban]

Every white kid you see do stand up now. Then they do hand behind the back, which no one's ever done. That's a human being before. Yeah, well, this is an insane way to stand, but hey, man, it's okay. I was.

[Eddie Larsa]

Thank you.

[Brian Redban]

I'm a big John Panett guy, so that's why I'm morbidly obese.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm a hand behind the back guy. I didn't realize that was. I've never had anyone make fun of it before.

[Brian Redban]

Well, yeah, no one's brave. You Know, you guys are king makers, but you're my friends now, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's true.

[Brian Redban]

That's on you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The double handed thing, I have noticed recently it is a thing. It's a. It is a New York, Chicago thing.

[Brian Redban]

It's like you're trying to smuggle a Bud Light talking to the movies.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. So, Tom, what do you do for a living?

[Tom Feeback]

We went over this last time.

[Eddie Larsa]

I'm doing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, we're going to go over some stuff that we went over last time.

[Brian Redban]

How dear. Oh, I apologize.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Tom Feeback]

Right Now I'm doing UberEats.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uber Eats.

[Tom Feeback]

Uber Eats.

[Eddie Larsa]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right. How's that going for you? I don't know.

[Tom Feeback]

It kind of sucks. It's a job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us about it. What. What are some things that we wouldn't know about an Uber Eats driver? Because I order a lot of food.

[Heidi]

Oh, yeah?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Almost every single meal. And I always wonder, like, what the. Can I tell you something that drives me crazy? You have a car, right?

[Tom Feeback]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I ordered sushi the other night.

[Brian Redban]

And you think he delivers in a rickshaw?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, no, it gets. This is. It's wild. I ordered sushi the other night and I went a little crazy, right? I got one of those platter trays, right? And then my UberEats is like, yeah, okay, your driver is gone, and there's a little bicycle icon there. And then I'm like, you gotta be kidding me, right? I, like, went big on this one, right? Like 120 bucks and sushi, and I'm already picturing the thing, right? It shows you a picture of the fucking. It's the platter, not the not. It's not like I got fucking four rolls or whatever where it would be like a rectangle.

[Brian Redban]

You can just say you're rich, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, no, they know.

[Eric McLaughlin]

They know.

[Brian Redban]

Very happy for you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They know. Thanks to Squarespace, Talk, Space, Game time, Shopify, and ZipRecruiter. I got the fucking platter. God damn it. I worked my ass off for this platter. It's all I ever wanted. It's all I ever needed anyway. And I see the bicycle and I know right fucking away. I know right away, I'm like, there's no way that this bicycle has the fucking infrastructure to handle this platter. This fucking guy is gonna shove this thing in a fucking backpack long ways and sure enough, I get it. And everything's on fucking one side. It's all smushed together.

[Brian Redban]

Was it hard to eat it in your ivory tower? Did it make it difficult for your slaves? To feed it to you in bed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was. The altitude was getting to them. They were wobbly with the chopsticks.

[Brian Redban]

The blindfolds didn't make it when they came over.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was so delusional. I thought that I was hanging out with a bunch of British rappers for a second. Have you seen the person walking icon yet where it's like, your order will be there in 30min?

[Cam Patterson]

You.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got to be kidding me. Happened twice. Oh my. You must have a low Uber eats rating or something for. For God to punish you like that.

[Brian Redban]

Tom, you can say something funny as well.

[Tom Feeback]

We're just letting you guys do your

[Brian Redban]

thing lifting over here.

[Tom Feeback]

I'm just letting you guys do your thing. I just.

[Brian Redban]

Okay, but you have a car you deliver in?

[Tom Feeback]

Yeah, delivering a car. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of car is it?

[Tom Feeback]

Honda Accord.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. Yeah, A little hatchback?

[Tom Feeback]

No, no, just a sedan. Four door.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Four doors.

[Mike Hammock]

Look at you.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Falling out of control. Ballin out.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Any crazy orders that you've had recently or anything go wrong or go good or.

[Tom Feeback]

No, it's mostly the names that, like, trip me up sometimes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah?

[Tom Feeback]

Yes. What do you mean? Well, there was one name that I had to pick up for, and it was basically the N word.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, you're talking about one of those Quincy's.

[Brian Redban]

You know who we left out of the conversation when we were deciding if Quincy was black was this dangerous white supremacist right there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, look at this. Stone cold killer. Yes, I. I see this guy. Saw Trump's post about Owen 2 on assassination attempts. He's like, soon. Oh, yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Tom, what do you think? Is he black enough for you?

[Tom Feeback]

Yeah, yeah, he's black enough, I think. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know what's. I still see a little Latino in him. I would. I would describe him as a wet black. Oh, oh, oh. We came for kill, Tony. We didn't expect. Expect a joke like that. Oh, no, we never heard nothing like that before on the Jimmy Fallon show. This isn't what we expected, Bro, you

[Brian Redban]

heard the beat he made.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on now. Wait, what? Credit where credit's due. You heard the beat he made. All right, Matt. Jesus. What are you, his lawyer? My God. How dare you continue the joke, son. Quincy, I mean, you heard the beat. Objection, Tony. Objection. My God. I object. Jesus Christ Almighty.

[Brian Redban]

It's your turn, Tom.

[Tom Feeback]

You know what? I changed my mind. I don't think he's black. I don't think he's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. What is. Oh, look how pissed Matt on the play, man.

[Tom Feeback]

He looks Dominican to me, to be honest.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, look out, Dominican Republic. Doctor. Dr. Dre. All right, Dr. Dre, back to you. Tom. What's happened. Interesting. In your life since the last. I can't remember your last set. Did it go good? Was it. Was it as good as that?

[Tom Feeback]

No, I think it went well. Sam was on the episode last night. I got the big joke book. You know, I thought it went. Thought it went solid. Since then, people have been trying to scam me to do headlining sets since they saw my Kill Tony thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Scan.

[Tom Feeback]

You scam me?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Scam you?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell me more about that. Like, this is a very interesting thing that people would love to know.

[Tom Feeback]

I got a. I got a message on Instagram, and he's like, yeah, come out, do my show. I'll pay you all this stuff. And then he. You know, he's like, I'll send you a chauffeur. I'll pay for your hotel flight. And I was like, this has to be a scam. No way. No one wants me that bad, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Tom Feeback]

And. And then he just stopped messaging me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you. What do you think happened exactly?

[Brian Redban]

Did he watch your whole set?

[Tom Feeback]

What do I think happened? I think. I think. I think because I wasn't. Well, he wanted me to send my bank info to him, and I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, yeah, you didn't say that. He wanted you to perform in Ethiopia. It's incredible. Or, wait, no, that's. That's not it. Nigeria.

[Brian Redban]

Close enough. Yeah, we're taking a lot of shots, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're all going to go in. Yeah, exactly.

[Brian Redban]

We're not Quincy on the court, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Amazing. Where was this gig going to be at?

[Tom Feeback]

It said Baltimore, I think somewhere in Maryland, outside Baltimore. So, you know, they're shady, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Might have been real. There's not a gig in the world that will need your banking info, by the way. Just a little something for all the listeners out there. Do not get excited about a gig that needs your.

[Tom Feeback]

Well, first he said he was gonna. He wanted my bank info to, like, wire the money. And then he said he was gonna email me a check, which I don't think you emailed checks. I'm not a financial guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were excited, though. You're like, yeah.

[Tom Feeback]

Oh, yeah. I'll do anything for $200, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'll do 200. Really?

[Brian Redban]

He was gonna fly you, Chauffeur you?

[Tom Feeback]

Well, yeah. That's how I knew it was a scam. I'm like, no, this doesn't add up, you know, 200.

[Brian Redban]

Well, yeah, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Don't do anything for 200, huh?

[Tom Feeback]

Hit me up, Red band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Someone's on the secret.

[Brian Redban]

Don't look at me when you're horny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Well, Tom, very fun times. Another rock solid appearance. You already have a big joke book. You did it again. Taking advantage of your time here in Austin, Texas, and showing the world what's up. There he goes, Tom Feeble.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And it goes on and on. Can't understand. And how I last so long. I must have superpowers. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Darren Jones, everybody. Here we go. Darren Jones. 60 seconds.

[Darren Jones]

Talked to Jesus last night. It was deep. He said they've been trying to come back for centuries, but these hoes keep aborting him. Like, God damn, it's a crucifixion with some shit. But them pussy vacuums said he tired of going through that shit, man. He rather just say fuck coming back for real. Like, shit deep. He said, like, niggas gonna see fire and brimstone before he have to settle for some Catholic pussy. That shit ain't happening. That shit ain't happening at all. It's fucked up, man. Might not ever see the Christ again. Cause of these hoes, man. What type of shit is that gonna be damnation around this motherfucker. My time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Darren Jones, welcome to the show. Darren, this is your first time here, right?

[Eric McLaughlin]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Grab that mic, let's talk about it. I love it. Welcome, welcome.

[Brian Redban]

Big opportunity. Wear your best slides.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. I love it. Slides and jokes are coming out like Scam Patterson. I love it.

[Brian Redban]

Hey, real quick. You just did pretty good. If Anyone offers you $200 to go to Baltimore, take it. All right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Welcome, welcome. Darren, how long you been doing stand

[Darren Jones]

up for about a year and a half, two years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And before that you were doing angry poetry?

[Darren Jones]

Yeah, something like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Something like that. Really?

[Darren Jones]

Nah, nah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[Darren Jones]

Rapping.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you were rapping?

[Darren Jones]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Were you rapping about the Lost tribe of Israel?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Brian Redban]

Rastafari. I. And I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for a living?

[Darren Jones]

Right now? I work for a fencing company.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've been working for a fencing company?

[Brian Redban]

What are you? Fence, stolen goods? Sorry, D. It's a. It's a pun, sir. It's a synonym.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Joke. So you build fences here in. In Texas?

[Darren Jones]

I don't build them. I actually work in a lumber yard, Rogers. Really? All the builders are Mexican. You know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You build the Mexicans?

[Darren Jones]

Yeah. N. All the builders are Mexicans, but everybody who work in the yard ain't Mexican. Mexican.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They keep you in the yard?

[Darren Jones]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is it like a yard? Like a. Like a field?

[Darren Jones]

Nah, nah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you say a yard,

[Brian Redban]

how do they keep you in?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, they have a fence around the fencing that you have to stay in nature.

[Darren Jones]

Okay, I can leave now.

[Brian Redban]

Are you typically dangerously stoned? Is that. Do you usually roll around the highest man allowed by law, cuz?

[Darren Jones]

Nah, I don't even smoke, man.

[Brian Redban]

What?

[Eddie Larsa]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What? This is amazing. You smoked so much that you just stuck like that at some point.

[Darren Jones]

That's probably what happened.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is incredible. This is absolutely amazing. You're so chill. You're so.

[Brian Redban]

Siry is the term.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I love it. So what else do you do for fun?

[Darren Jones]

I'm trying to do comedy for fun, though. I mean, shit, nothing lately, but working and trying to do comedy, man. It's expensive down here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. I love it. You're surviving, though. Yes, sir. I love it. But you rap sometimes.

[Darren Jones]

You said I used to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. If we gave you a little beat, could you give us a little example of a rap right now?

[Darren Jones]

Oh, yeah, I can do that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sounds great. Tell Michael what you want there. If there's a specific type of beat or whatever, these guys can do anything.

[Darren Jones]

I can go off anything.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, well, there you go. Oh, shit.

[Darren Jones]

I ain't freestyled in a minute.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Put that mic right up so that we can all hear you.

[Darren Jones]

I ain't freestyled in a minute, but fuck it, it's time to get up in it. I like Papa on the spinach, but if a nigga disrespect, I got for Smithin' Wesson. If y' all ain't get it up here, Kill Tony. Open mic, rapping and shit, Man, I used to be trapping this shit, but I'm a changed man right now. Comedy the motherfuckin game plan. Check it out. We wanna speak about it. Shit, I'm on the stage. I'm a geek about it. I' ma call my fucking fam after this shit and tell them how I met that crazy. Hence Cliff Redband. I think I gotta drop the mic out for that flow. Y' all don't even want me to. Y' all want me to go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right,

[Brian Redban]

Amazing Quincy, do you want to make him an offer? Let's take this thing all the way back to Essex. Quincy, come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I will keep him in my yard. Do you have a passport? I love it. Very, very chill, very mellow. You're like why Cloud left. Yawn. Amazing. How long you been rapping for?

[Darren Jones]

Since I was a kid. I remember my first rap.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah?

[Darren Jones]

Yeah. It was my first rhyme. I should say. I hit him in the face, then I spray him with some mace. I was like six.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, wow.

[Darren Jones]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Y bars.

[Darren Jones]

You know what I'm saying?

[Brian Redban]

So you peaked early. How bad was your home life if that was your first rap? Was that about mom's new boyfriend?

[Darren Jones]

Nah, nah, nah. Something cool to say.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, yeah. I get cool stuff. I say cool stuff all the time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Amazing.

[Darren Jones]

That's what made me, like, start comedy. Actually, it was a Bill Burke bit where I seen his transition into, like, where he said, that's what's funny about Hitler. And that remind me, like, when you on a certain rhyme scheme, when you switch, like, the rhyming word up to a different sounding word, like, you gotta make it smooth and they gotta hit hard. You know what I'm saying? So I was like, mm. That hit me right there like a bar, like, mm, Yeah, I think I can try to do this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what I'm saying? Absolutely amazing.

[Brian Redban]

I know what you're saying.

[Darren Jones]

I believe.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Eddie Larsa]

Yes.

[Brian Redban]

Your vibe is correct.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is incredible. How old are you, Darren?

[Darren Jones]

36.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

36. Meanwhile, you look like your own grandmother. That's incredible. It is unbelievable.

[Brian Redban]

You look like you speak for the trees.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoopee. I love it. Darren, you have a love life. You've been going on dates or you got a girl or what's going on?

[Darren Jones]

Nah, I'm going through a divorce.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How long were you married?

[Darren Jones]

Since 2015. December.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, 2000.

[Darren Jones]

But this gravy, though, man, she. She still. She cool. We cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Darren Jones]

Yeah. She moving back home.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where's home?

[Darren Jones]

Zimbabwe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh,

[Brian Redban]

so you got the country in the divorce?

[Darren Jones]

It's cheap enough.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's her name?

[Darren Jones]

Rudo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It means no worries. We've been doing this a long time. I love it. I love it. Love it. So why did the divorce happen? What happened?

[Darren Jones]

Nah.

[Dan Nolan]

Oh.

[Darren Jones]

Cause she moving back to her country and I don't want to go with her. I'm American, God damn it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She wanted you.

[Brian Redban]

Do you miss her?

[Darren Jones]

She ain't gone yet. Shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Brian Redban]

You haven't finished the job?

[Darren Jones]

Nah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When she told you that. When she told you that she was going back to Zimbabwe. How did she say it.

[Dan Nolan]

Again?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We've been doing this a really long time.

[Brian Redban]

I saw you guys scheming and it paid off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Little. Little Jordan and Pippin going on over here. A little pick and roll. You know what I mean? It doesn't really matter what she said. That was going to be the answer anyway. Amazing. So her ultimatum will was move back to Zimbabwe with me or we divorce.

[Darren Jones]

Something like that. We actually came to the decision ourselves. Cause I told her. Cause she wasn't fully happy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, wait, what?

[Darren Jones]

Cause we came to the decision. Cause we sat down and talking to her, talked about it. And I told her. She said. I always said it was more chaotic over here. It was like she got her bachelor's in nursing. She still ain't happy. I'm like, just go home and see if you good over there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's more chaotic like in America.

[Darren Jones]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Than in Zimbabwe.

[Darren Jones]

Cuz this is. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the is Zimbabwe? Like, that is not how I would have pictured things. Carry things on her head or something like baskets. What the red band? Stick to the soundboard. Stick to the wacky sound effects. Red band it is. Is truly your bread and butter.

[Brian Redban]

Just overtly racist.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. It's unbelievable what you just said. Did she have baskets on her head?

[Darren Jones]

But where's she from in Zimbabwe? Like they only got electricity from 2am

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

to 4am like, are you serious?

[Darren Jones]

Yeah. They broke as hell over there.

[Brian Redban]

She wanted to go back to that instead of be married to you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, that's tough.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So wait a second. They. Wait now. Redban, how did you. What did you type in to find that picture? Black woman with basket of fruit balanced on head in Zimbabwe? I mean. I mean, did you just make that with AI? What did. What did you type in? Is that what you typed? Zimbabwe baskets on Ed? There are. It is literally a ton of image with black people with baskets on their head. I'm actually impressed that you knew that stereotype about Zimbabwe. This is one of the most.

[Brian Redban]

I've never seen you this happy before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've never seen him this smart before. I've never seen him nail a cultural stereotype like this. Have you seen a woman with a basket of fruit on her head in Zimbabwe?

[Darren Jones]

Have I seen it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Darren Jones]

Nah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you think your wife has seen it?

[Darren Jones]

Pretty sure, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, absolutely. So they really only have electricity for two hours in the middle of the night. So you have to like plug your phone in then and just fall asleep and like wake up with it kind of charged.

[Darren Jones]

Yeah. That's why I couldn't do that shit before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. So why would she go through all the work of getting a degree moving to the what we all up until now considered the greatest country in the world? What is it? Is it family that she misses?

[Darren Jones]

Yeah, that's mostly it. Family and it's less stressful.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, right. Were you still having sex? It's been almost 10 years. Were you kind of, like, kind of. You know, was it kind of slowing down a bit?

[Brian Redban]

I bet those slides got her wet. Yeah.

[Darren Jones]

Nah, I was hitting them cheeks.

[Mike Hammock]

Right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Goddamn. You were hitting the cheeks. Right?

[Dan Nolan]

Y.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And she was still giving you head like a fruit basket.

[Darren Jones]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is the stupidest show on planet Earth. I can't believe it's wildly successful. It doesn't really make any sense. Like someone. If you're just giving you head like a fruit desk, it. Like, what other. You know, it's just unbelievable. What else are Zimbabweans known for? Is that. Right? Is Zimbabwean.

[Brian Redban]

I'll tell you what.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Zimbabwe has a very troubled history.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Yes. If you meet, like, a white guy from South Africa, you're nervous. If you meet a white guy from Zimbabwe, leave the falcon re yard, all right? You got to get away. The Rhodesian army. Am I insane?

[Darren Jones]

Nah, you about right.

[Brian Redban]

Facts.

[Darren Jones]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

As we say.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Darren Jones]

They had the same president for like 60 years and he died and everybody hated him, but now they got somebody even worse than him, so they want the old nigga back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what happens. That's what happens. Sounds like somewhere else that I kind of know of.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. You want to reinstall a dictatorship? Is that what you're saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, I'm fucking down at this point. So, Darren, very fun stuff. I loved your interview. I love your style. Great stuff. Here's a big joke book. Yeah, welcome. Welcome to the Kill Tony universe. That is the Kill Tony debut of Darren Jones Jones. And we are off to a very hot start. This is very exciting. This is the return of a guy that's been doing this show forever. He was on the show in LA in the main room. He's been on at Vulcan Gas Company. He's been on here. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the return of Dan Nolan, a very rock solid comedian. A brand new minute by Dan Nolan Way.

[Dan Nolan]

How's it going? I like trans porn. A lot of people think that that makes you gay. If you like trans porn. I disagree. You know, it does make you gay. Chemicals that the government's been putting in our drinking water. No, I don't think it's gay to like trans women. The way that I look at it, I like women so much, I don't even care if they have giant, beautiful penises. I'll suck a lady's penis. That's not gay. You guys are gay. Shut up. I'm really tall. I am 6 foot 5. A lot of insecurities with being tall. Like, I always thought that I had a small penis. Turned out it was just far away. Me and my girlfriend are trying to have a baby. We're getting all the tests done and stuff. I just got my sperm tested. It was a blindfolded taste test. Almost. Almost everyone preferred Pepsi. All right, thank you, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable. I'm back, baby. Unbelievable. Another rock solid minute by Dan Nolan.

[Brian Redban]

So many jokes in that minute, too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's so good. That was great.

[Brian Redban]

Great, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Dude, it's been years.

[Dan Nolan]

I haven't been on the show. I was on the last Comedy Store show. That was. That was the last one I was on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, really?

[Dan Nolan]

Yeah. I was never on in Austin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Dan Nolan]

Yeah, dude, I signed up, like, 50 times.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's insane. It's crazy in my head. It's like a Baron Bears thing. Or in our case, the Bean from Chicago. Like, I could have sworn that you've been on the show everywhere.

[Dan Nolan]

No, never in Austin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. That's crazy. No.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Dan Nolan]

Well, we just see each other everywhere.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Dan Nolan]

It's like, whatever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Out there on the streets, hustling. You're always going up and doing shows

[Dan Nolan]

at Daddy Red Band's. My boss now, working over Sunset.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's been years.

[Dan Nolan]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So tell the people.

[Dan Nolan]

None of these people know who I am. I was on the show a long time ago, before millions of. Does anybody remember me from the old.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, Dan, come on. Let's just answer my question. All right?

[Dan Nolan]

No, shit's really good. I got a great girlfriend. We're getting serious like that. We are trying to have a baby.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you been with her?

[Dan Nolan]

Two years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where'd you meet her at?

[Dan Nolan]

Just on hinge.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What was your first date?

[Dan Nolan]

We went to some coffee place in Mueller.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Brian Redban]

Classic romantic, I see.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, absolutely.

[Dan Nolan]

She's Belarusian.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, easy to trick. Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Very good. All you need is a pair and a burlap sack and she's yours forever. Yes. Congratulations on your budding love.

[Dan Nolan]

Thank you.

[Brian Redban]

That's great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Belarusian. So she carries fruit baskets on her head. What are Belarusians known for?

[Dan Nolan]

They make really good tractors.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Dan Nolan]

She went to the same college as Lee Harvey Oswald's wife.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Wow.

[Dan Nolan]

That's the two things that Belarus is famous for.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Brian Redban]

And ballet.

[Dan Nolan]

Oh, yeah. The Bolshoi, right?

[Brian Redban]

Yes. They're strong on their feet.

[Ari Matti]

Right.

[Brian Redban]

Bleeding toes, these women.

[Dan Nolan]

Yeah. She did ballet.

[Brian Redban]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Amazing. So you're trying to have a baby. What are you doing to try to have a baby? What exactly are you Doing you just. You like. Is there a special thing that you do? Do you like hold her upside down or anything?

[Dan Nolan]

I had to take like a bunch of fertility hormones and stuff. Like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you. You got your sperm test and you have a low sperm count?

[Dan Nolan]

No, I have like a crazy high sperm count now. It's insane.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now?

[Dan Nolan]

Yeah, now, yeah. Before, yeah. I was taking testosterone for like four years. So then I had to stop and I had to take shit so that I to get like jump start my balls again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Hcg.

[Dan Nolan]

No, I was taking HCG while I was on test and then I got off and I'm now taking. Or I'm not taking anymore. I was taking. Taking Clomiphene.

[Brian Redban]

What about pcp? Ever tried that?

[Dan Nolan]

Yeah, I have not.

[Brian Redban]

Get wet and then get wet, you know. Well, the Belarusian soil is notoriously infertile. You know, there's been various plagues and blights that have ruined their.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's true.

[Brian Redban]

You gotta fucking till the soil over and over again.

[Dan Nolan]

Yeah, yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

that's true. Yep.

[Brian Redban]

That's how you do it going with the spade, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So when you're coming inside of her, all right, is it like, do you like go like, do you go like all the way in and like, like just like stay all the way in or is it more of like a keep pumping and try to shoot it in there type of thing? I've always been kind of curious because I. I void making children. I have my own. I don't know if you've met William Montgomery. I have my own children here that I'm raising. It's very hard job, but I don't know how to make a baby.

[Brian Redban]

Are you doing it like the BB gun at the carnival or like fill in the clown's mouth?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right? Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Spray and pray. Yeah. Atta boy.

[Dan Nolan]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what are you doing?

[Dan Nolan]

Just kind of. Yeah, yeah. Leaving it in for a second.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Leave it in for a sec. Let it, let it marinate for a second. Right?

[Brian Redban]

You are a romantic. Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Sweet boy.

[Brian Redban]

It's like prepping chicken thighs for you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you like scoop it back in like when it comes out? Yeah, yeah. Red band's like. Do you. Do you blow it back in there with a. With a scuba? Yeah. No. Yeah, blow it in. That's red band. Yeah. Genius. Ever since you were right about Zimbabwean fruit baskets, you got a real swagger about you, red band. All right, this is amazing. So what else is going on other than pumping away, trying to make babies? Anything else we should know about you, Dan?

[Dan Nolan]

Nah, just chilling, working.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You Work at Sunset Strip Comedy Club. Yeah.

[Dan Nolan]

No, yeah, I'm also like an engineer during the day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow, look at that. Look at the. The staff. You have Red band working over there.

[Brian Redban]

Forgot to use the mic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, he's been working on the ceilings

[William Montgomery]

for almost a year and a half.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible.

[Dan Nolan]

I'm the only one that can reach him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So incredible. Absolutely amazing. Well, Dan, I love it. With the last time you were on since it was in la, I'm assuming you don't even have one of these.

[Dan Nolan]

No, I never.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, there you go. It's from the Great Bonsai. I'd love to have you on the Secret Show. So awesome. Especially if you're working.

[Dan Nolan]

All right, thank you, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some noise for Dan Nolan. He signed up over 50 times.

[Brian Redban]

That was great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's 50 weeks of lingering around hundreds of other people at a big dreary bar known as poor choices on 6th Street. And he finally got back up again. All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of of Mike Hammock. Make some noise for Mike Hammock, everybody.

[Mike Hammock]

What's up, guys? I'm out here from Colorado Springs from a very traditional, conservative Colorado Springs family. My grandparents were married for 62 years. They died four minutes apart. Sounds sweet. The doctors tell us that's very common in murder suicides. Pretty much par for the course, is what he said. America's got a lot of problems. I think none worse than women in their 20s having too much confidence. Listen, I was hanging out with a comic and his girlfriend. Couple of her friends were out. We all had drinks. We got a little silly. One of them gives me like a half boob flash and looks me dead in the eyes and goes, I bet I'm hotter than your wife. Yeah, what do you say?

[Cam Patterson]

I panicked.

[Mike Hammock]

I didn't know what to say. I'm like, yeah, maybe you're 22, but you're not hotter than my house and kids. Like, I have a 3% mortgage. You think I'm gonna risk that on fucking you? Are you out of your goddamn mind? It's a pre Covid mortgage. What are you doing right now? What, are your tits made out of custody? Get the fuck out of here. Oh, my God. I feel like that was the minute.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I feel like that was. That was a minute. Yeah. You did it, dude. That's what it's like. Welcome, welcome.

[Cam Patterson]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. How long you been doing stand up comedy? How you doing?

[Mike Hammock]

12 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

12 years. Where at?

[Mike Hammock]

Denver.

[Shelly Peebles]

Denver was Sam amazing.

[Brian Redban]

He's a fucking. You're Funny now. This is great.

[Mike Hammock]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

When you came out, I was like, okay, check your phone. But no, that was great, Mike. Way to go, buddy.

[Mike Hammock]

Thank you.

[Brian Redban]

You win ball. That sucks.

[Mike Hammock]

But, yeah, I had two kids. I had two kids during the pandemic, so that's what fucking happens.

[Brian Redban]

And did you become a pedophile for the mustache, too?

[Mike Hammock]

I. I like to jog, and so it makes me feel like people see me with kids, they start chasing us, and that's. That's what the mustache is for.

[Brian Redban]

Not really good at riffing, Mike. You know,

[Cam Patterson]

I got to bully you

[Brian Redban]

a little bit, Mike. That was good, buddy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Got good at the craft, not with the arts, you know what I mean? So, Mike, I love it. This is amazing that you're from Denver. Literally, I've would say, without a doubt, top five comedy scenes in the country. And the one of the greats from Denver, Sam Talon's here. So you remember seeing him less funny as we've seen this a billion times with people that have stuck with it, done it for a long time.

[Brian Redban]

He was so unfunny. I didn't like him.

[William Montgomery]

But now.

[Brian Redban]

Now I'm charmed, man. That was great, dude.

[Cam Patterson]

Thank you.

[Brian Redban]

You're headlining on the road and right?

[Mike Hammock]

Yeah, I'm going out a little bit. The kids have slowed me down the last couple of years, but I just booked a place in Michigan. The.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old are the kids? Kids?

[Mike Hammock]

3 and 1.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

3 and 1. Girls? Boys.

[Mike Hammock]

Both boys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Both boys. Look at you. Dan Nolan's jealous. He's out there shooting blanks. Like, meanwhile, you look like the one that would need fertility drugs.

[Mike Hammock]

I. I actually just got cut. I just closed chub shop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. That is incredible.

[Brian Redban]

Looks like he needs HIV drugs. Yeah. This fucking Philadelphia over here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is incredible. Are you still based out of Denver?

[Ari Matti]

Yeah.

[Tom Feeback]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're just visiting Austin?

[Tom Feeback]

Yeah.

[Mike Hammock]

I flew in for this amazing first sign up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. That is absolutely incredible. You just got to literally see Dan Nolan, who works for Red Band, say that he's signed up over 50 times here in Austin. Living here for years. You fly in today, you get up, and you get to literally perform in front of a Denver icon and fucking have a good set. That is incredible.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, that rules, man. I'm so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm very excited about that.

[Mike Hammock]

This is pretty great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is pretty cool.

[Mike Hammock]

I also got up on the mothership open mic, but I didn't know you had to check in. And so I missed my fucking spot on the open mic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Missed your spot.

[Mike Hammock]

So this is such a goddamn Save. This is fucking phenomenal for me right now.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, very business minded, Mike Hammock.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Yes.

[Mike Hammock]

Yeah, it tracks.

[Brian Redban]

Attaboy. Are you still in the springs?

[Mike Hammock]

Yeah, we moved down there during the pandemic and we're, we're locked and we got the kids. We're not going anywhere.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, these kids are really a anchor around your neck, huh, buddy? You just need to.

[Mike Hammock]

Yeah. The three year old has a sleep disorder, so I've definitely thought about it.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of sleep disorder does a 3 year old have?

[Mike Hammock]

He has never slept through the night his entire life. From day one he is still waking up two or three times a night. He's got a REM disorder, so every three hours he's up for about 10, 20 minutes.

[Brian Redban]

You should put him to bed forever, Mike.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. How long does it take him to fall back of sleep? What are some tricks that you do for that clam? Some of your old sets.

[Mike Hammock]

We've tried a lot. We've tried, you know, books on tape.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We've tried everything on, tried oxycontin.

[Mike Hammock]

I, I, I'll sing to them sometimes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, can you give us an example of something new?

[Mike Hammock]

I do, I do the classics. Do the rock a bite, baby.

[Brian Redban]

Sing the song.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sing the song, dude.

[Brian Redban]

Entertain me, Mike.

[Mike Hammock]

Baby on the treetop when the wind blows the cradle will rock. When the bow breaks, the cradle will fall.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Down will come baby cradle. Wow. Absolutely unbelievable bowl. You're running the whole gambit here. We're getting a little taste of everything from Mike Hammock. Ironic that your last name is Hammock and you have a kid that can't fall asleep. Your name was Mike Tempur. Pedic. Maybe you'd have better luck. What do you do for a living?

[Mike Hammock]

I do cyber security.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh, so, so cool. Ooh, I'm so secure with your cyber.

[Brian Redban]

Like you help people download child pornography.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, absolutely incredible. It's true. Nobody likes a kid that can't fall asleep more than a pedophile. It's amazing. Just action all night long, just every 30 minutes, just waking up for a more cock.

[Brian Redban]

Well, when my wife is cranky, I know she's not putting out, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So rock a boy baby. All right, all right. Okay, Mike, what do you do for fun? You have this three year old, the one year old. Other than stand up comedy, do you have any passions? You seem like a guy that would have like a weird hobby up in the attic or something. Like miniature houses. I like to read.

[Mike Hammock]

I like to. We're going to the Fucking zoo for my birthday. Because that's what you do with kids. So I'm gonna go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, but not like a one time thing. You don't have anything that you're passionate about.

[Mike Hammock]

Oh, I like to read, I like to write. I like to write some short stories. Like, stuff like that.

[Brian Redban]

And.

[Mike Hammock]

Yeah, yeah, just. Mostly just that. And hang out with the kids. They're one in three. This is the best time to hang out with kids. They're fun, they're interesting, they can't remember anything.

[Brian Redban]

They can't.

[Mike Hammock]

Yeah. So mostly it's just hang out with the kids.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, well, how long are you in town for?

[Mike Hammock]

I flew in Saturday and I fly out tomorrow morning, 7am Nevermind.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I'll tell you what though. You missed your spot upstairs. And I do have a little agreement with the great and powerful talent booker here, Adam Egot, one of the funniest human beings on planet earth and literally the best comedy booker in the world. We, Rogan hired him from the Comedy Store, everybody moved here and he has indeed, without a doubt made this the greatest comedy club, the best lineups in the world. And so as a little special treat, I figured I wrote down missed your spot, so why don't we escort him to the other room and get him up and to make up for that spot. So Adam, Megan will see you. You'll get that spot there. No pressure, but your entire, the rest of your career depends on how that set in front of Adam goes.

[Mike Hammock]

Dude, thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So keep the momentum up. Fucking ride the wave. And there you go. Good luck. There he goes, Mike Hammock. Oh, Mike. Here you go. There's one of those two. Booyah. See the arc I put on that? I'm a joke book throwing master. I mean, I'm just the greatest. Don't let Dan's pop up flip thing fool you. He fucked that up.

[Brian Redban]

Micah hit me up to try and hop on my shows this weekend. I left him on red, so this is, this is a bit embarrassing, but good guy, you know, loves his kids. Yeah. Way, way to go, Mike.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God. It's just. People will never believe how real this show is. Like a moment like that is so hysterical.

[Brian Redban]

Very funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Then you have to, you have to face them literally in front of technically millions of people. That is amazing. We've gotten through four bucket pulls, ladies and gentlemen, and I think it's time for us to bring. Normally I like to bring a regular up when momentum has died out, but I'm truly running out of big joke books here tonight. I have a plethora of little ones that have not been given out, so that doesn't mean we don't get another regular. You got it. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of the all time greats of the show, a cold blooded fucking killer. This is indeed the one and only Cam Patterson.

[Cam Patterson]

I was. I was in Oklahoma this weekend and it was cool. I like Oklahoma because they had pretty good weed out there. And I smoke, like, regular a little bit, but I just like the flour. I don't want nothing else. They brought me some weed, a lot of weed. And then they also brought me THC syrup. And the lady was like, listen, this syrup is very potent and strong. Only take a teaspoon. And I wanted to be funny, so I was like, I'm gonna drink the whole bottle. And she went, do not do that. You will die.

[Brian Redban]

Right?

[Cam Patterson]

So my homeboy, he is like a weed connoisseur.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He love weed.

[Cam Patterson]

Weed is his thing, right? So he was like, I'm gonna just pour half the bottle into a cup. I'll be fine. Now listen, the bottle had a skull and crossbones on it. Do not. You listen. He thought he was better than the dead nigga. He not, okay? Nobody's better than the dead nigga. Nobody better than that. Skull and crossbone. You will die.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right?

[Cam Patterson]

That's why it's there. That same crossbone is on bleach. You understand that? So he took the drink, right? And he became. He became autistic and not like regular, like non verbal autistic. He was talking to me with his hands, and then he shit himself. So that was pretty cool. All right, that's my time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Booyah.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, man. I didn't think that was gonna work. I didn't think that was gonna work.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Work.

[Cam Patterson]

That was stressed. I was stressing. I was stressing about that one. That was scary.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You put. You put yourself in quite the tough position. So many good sets. You're following yourself. You're competing with yourself week after week. And there's nothing like it happening in all of comedy. You know, you came in when the show was blowing up, was huge and doing great stuff. So it's a tricky situation.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you handle it with. With grace, like a pro. Thanks.

[Brian Redban]

So naturally funny, Cam.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Brian Redban]

You're so funny.

[Cam Patterson]

Thank you so much.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Dude, I don't know how you keep that hat on your head, but

[Cam Patterson]

it's black magic.

[Brian Redban]

You mean voodoo.

[Cam Patterson]

They're eating the cats and dog. No, not voodoo. They're eating the cats and the dogs and that was so funny. That was funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Zay are true Trump impression.

[Shelly Peebles]

Dogs.

[Cam Patterson]

Catching the dogs. That's how you do it. That's how they do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. You go cross side for your Trump.

[Cam Patterson]

That's how you do it. That's how you talk Asian. Catching that dogs.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, it's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's getting better. I'm actually watching it get better as

[Cam Patterson]

you can really do a good impression. Eating the cats and your dogs. That's good. That's fine. I'm really. Don't make that face. That's a good impression. He went, that's a great Trump. Impressive.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. It's so bad.

[Cam Patterson]

I'm not good with voices. I can only do mine.

[Eddie Larsa]

That's it.

[Cam Patterson]

Any other one. I'm like, ah, whatever. Yeah, whatever. That's it. That's all I can give you, brother.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. I love it. Oklahoma does have great weed. Our favorite weed grower in the world moved to Oklahoma and began a huge operation there. And it's a thriving place. Weed is super legal. It is highly competitive. It's a whole thing going on there.

[Cam Patterson]

It's crazy. That's. That's the. That happened. Yeah, that story happened yesterday. And my dog with me right now, and he's still high. That's the thing. Like, he's still up. The funniest part. He was. I, I didn't.

[Tom Feeback]

I want.

[Cam Patterson]

I want to try to make that like a full story. The funniest part about it though, to me is he was like, in the bathroom, he was taking a shit, but he threw up on himself, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

So he. But he wasn't. We were like, yo, Joe, you good. And we wasn't saying nothing like, yo, Joe, you good. He was. I'm like, this nigga probably died in the bathroom, so we gotta go check on him. So I bust in the bathroom and he just went, what you in here for, faggot? That's what he called. Like, I'm trying to help you, dumbass. Like, get out the bathroom, gay ass nigga. What? I'm trying to help you. That gonna be doing the Oscars in 20 years. There you go. That's over. Oh, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think it'll be. I don't think it'll take 20 years to get there. That is amazing that he. If he thought that that was your moment to get gay while he's. And vomiting all over himself. Like, this is my time. This is when I'm going to make my move.

[Cam Patterson]

I'm going to take it now, brother.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, this is good, man.

[Cam Patterson]

I like This a lot. I love gay people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

I'll be having to say. You know what I realized about this show? My words matter. That's kind of crazy, right? That's insane to me. Yeah, my words. My words mean something to people that blow my mind, bro. You know the episode,

[Ari Matti]

it's real.

[Cam Patterson]

I didn't know this. I didn't know this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Black words. Black words matter.

[Cam Patterson]

They do, yes, bro. I just be saying random shit. Like a couple episodes ago, I said, legalize fentanyl. Cause I just wanted to, right? And 20 people came to my show with legalized fentanyl shirts and canceled president on their shirt. And I was like, you can't do that, dog. Don't listen to me. Hey, I'm gonna tell y' all something. I just found out that a pickle was a cucumber yesterday. Understand? Do not listen to me. Don't do that. Unless you a with a fat ass, then suck my dick, please. I would love that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. No doubt about that.

[Brian Redban]

I might throw up. The Trump thing gave me the giggle so bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I just learned that a pickle was a cucumber.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, fuck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is amazing.

[Cam Patterson]

I did, though. Yeah, that's true. That's a true thing.

[Brian Redban]

I kept looking here.

[Cam Patterson]

You think I'm playing? You would think that's something I play about. I'm dead serious, though. I ate a cucumber that was sliced like a pickle. And I went, oh, fuck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who is explained it to you? Who told you? Who confirmed it for you?

[Cam Patterson]

Well, my brain just went, oh, it all makes sense now. I just thought a pickle was another thing, dog.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did you think it was?

[Brian Redban]

You thought they grew that way? It's the only wet, salty vegetable.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I have a crazy hair.

[Cam Patterson]

I thought you made them in water. So I was confused.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you think a raisin is? Do you think a raisin is a. Grows as a raisin?

[Cam Patterson]

Well, after. After I went down that rabbit hole, I also found out what a raisin was.

[Brian Redban]

You wouldn't have the cucumber. Cumber.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Rabbit hole. Oh. How old were you guys, though, when you found out cucumbers were pickles? I was like, 40.

[Ari Matti]

See,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I also thought pickles were just pickles.

[Cam Patterson]

Now I feel. God damn it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God damn it.

[Cam Patterson]

Bad company.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bad company. You were all cool when you were bragging about knowing about the people bean, though, huh? Some pointless piece of art. And by the way, let me say it's been a few weeks. I'm ready to talk about it. Let me just say, everyone thinks the big running Joke. Tony's gay. Tony's gay. Tony's a. Can I tell you how many tough guys reached out in every way? And for him going, you don't know about the bean. All these people like you don't know about this art deco piece in Chicago. Bunch of out there judging me, the supposed gay guy, for not knowing about some art installation in fucking piece of shit Chicago. A dump. And no, I work when I'm in sh. I'm not visiting the fucking beans, you pieces of damn bored Taurus. And he was just there to make a Internet video for content or else he wouldn't know what the bean is either. He didn't even know what a pickle was. A cucumber. I didn't know what the bean was in Chicago, and the Internet lost their minds about it. Oh, stop the clocks on kill. Tony. Tony's success. Tony's never been to an art. Look at this angry white guy. Not. He won't even make eye contact with me.

[Cam Patterson]

Hey, that do look terrifying.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Truly one of the scariest. Did you sign up by any chance? Oh, God, it's a shame. Oh, my God. I love to hear what the Is on your mind. Look at the wheels turning over there.

[Cam Patterson]

It's a. It's got to be a lot of rape and check. Child touching. You a weird guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He has.

[Cam Patterson]

You're not a. You're not a regular person, brother.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's wearing glasses and he has another pair of glasses hanging out of his pocket. Right? That's crazy. All scary. And the pocket is button closed, but the glasses are. Can you even get those out of there? Do those. Oh, okay. Very amazing. It's a fake button. It's a false button.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. This guy's the key.

[Cam Patterson]

False button. That's crazy. That's kind of crazy.

[Shelly Peebles]

It.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

[Brian Redban]

What did you think pickles were, buddy? I mean, seriously, Please, I need to know how.

[Cam Patterson]

I told. I thought they just grew in water, bro. I didn't know who said what? You goddamn. Goddamn. That's real. I thought they grew.

[Brian Redban]

I didn't know you thought they were.

[Cam Patterson]

Sometimes you don't know. God damn it.

[Brian Redban]

You thought they were sea cucumbers?

[Cam Patterson]

Yes.

[Brian Redban]

Don't flex on me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's wrong with that?

[Cam Patterson]

What's wrong with that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Cam Patterson]

I didn't know, but I know now, so it's all good. Calm the fuck down. Everything's fine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you find out anything else in the rabbit hole? Raisins? Anything else? Was there anything else?

[Cam Patterson]

Nah, that was it. That was It. I was like raisin cucumbers.

[Brian Redban]

Good to know you're not ready for prunes, dog.

[Darren Jones]

Uh oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, shit. Look at that face. Uh oh.

[Cam Patterson]

I know what a prune is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is that?

[Cam Patterson]

It's a dried up plum. Right.

[Brian Redban]

Hey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. Wow. Holy.

[Cam Patterson]

I'm a fucking genius. Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I did not know that.

[Cam Patterson]

I'm smart as fuck, man. I'm smart as fuck.

[Brian Redban]

I wasn't indicting you.

[Cam Patterson]

I'm a genius.

[Brian Redban]

I was just delighted by everything you've done so far. I thought I was gonna pass out and shit my pants.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about a beat? What's a beat?

[Cam Patterson]

A beat. Oh, that grow out the ground, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh. Good job. Okay. I tried to trick you there. No. Okay.

[Cam Patterson]

It'd be standing your hands and. Because it's red.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. That's.

[Cam Patterson]

Yo, yo, yo. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn. You are so entertaining. It is unbelievable. But what a star. What a fucking superstar. Make some. How loud can this place get for Cam Patterson? God damn it. What an episode so far. All big joke books, all thunder and lightning, all the strongest regulars. When will momentum stop? Ladies and gentlemen, back to the bucket. We go. 60 seconds uninterrupted in a momentous episode for Eric McLaughlin. Eric McLaughlin. Wow.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Hello everybody. This is my first time at Comedy Mothership. This is a great day. Oh my God. I'm here. It was already pretty good last night. I had a dream that I had sex with my high school crush. Yeah, it was pretty good. It was a little weird when I realized I only really knew her when she was 15 years old. So I was like, I hope it was like a 30 year old version of me and a 30 year old version of her. Or maybe a 15 year old version of me and a 15 year old version of her. But I'm pretty sure. That I am 30 and she was 15, so. I don't know what to do with that information. I guess I just won't go to sleep again. Anyway, I'm not gonna make the minute. That's all. That's all I had. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, well, there we go.

[Brian Redban]

I am grateful he bombed. We needed someone to cool this thing off. You didn't bomb. You did fine, you know, but no, it's okay. We needed. We needed to pump the brakes a little bit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it made sense.

[Brian Redban]

They were getting spoiled out there, you know, they were like, no one's gonna miss tonight. Well, yeah, you put an end to that rumor. So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, even championship teams have to punt the ball every once in a while. You don't score on Every drive. Sure are. That guy.

[Brian Redban]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So let's talk about Eric. First time at the mothership? First time on the show. How long you been trying stand up?

[Eric McLaughlin]

I've been doing this for two months. I am very new.

[Brian Redban]

I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very, very new. You live here in Austin, Texas?

[Eric McLaughlin]

I do. I am a local, yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You born and raised here?

[Eric McLaughlin]

No, I was born in California, but I've lived here like, 17 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

17 years, wow. How old are you?

[Eric McLaughlin]

I'm 30.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

30. What made you move here 17 years ago?

[Eric McLaughlin]

Parents, depression or recession or whatever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your parents moved here?

[Eric McLaughlin]

That's right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's the answer.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Brian Redban]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Depression and recession. I don't know what the that has to do with anything.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Well, it's 2008 is why. So they were like, we got to get out of California for jobs.

[Brian Redban]

It's always good when you tell a story and people have to do math. That's good. Yes. 2008, right?

[Eric McLaughlin]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So where do they move to?

[Eric McLaughlin]

We live here. Austin. It's where I've been. They're still living here, and I still live by the airport.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Yeah, yeah. Southeast.

[Brian Redban]

Burson, you want to take this opportunity to dox your parents address?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you still live with them?

[Eric McLaughlin]

I don't. I live near them. I live, like, a block away from my parents.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why do you live a block away from your parents?

[Eric McLaughlin]

Well, I lived with them when I got out of college, and they were like, I got a job somewhere and I was making good money. They should buy a house next to us. And I was like, okay, so I just bought a house in the area because they were homes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was like, okay, if you guys

[Brian Redban]

want to grab a drink or go

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

to the bathroom, Literally, so many people are like, oh, I've had to piss. Oh, my God, look at this storm. I've never seen anything like it before. All right. Oh, my goodness. There go the. Those hot chicks are leaving. Jesus Christ. What is happening? Time for a ketamine break, I guess.

[Brian Redban]

One of those girls was in a wheelchair and she walked.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. This is unbelievable. Darren Jones is building a lumber fence around himself somewhere right now. Eric, this is incredible. You've literally emptied half the room. Okay, so let's talk about it. Eric. Everyone is turned off by you. Oh, hey.

[Brian Redban]

For two months. For two months. Fine. Joke. Got nervous, did a fine 30 seconds, you know, it was. This is very hard. Stand up's very hard.

[Eric McLaughlin]

It's hard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is very hard. It is. What do you do for a living, Eric?

[Eric McLaughlin]

I sell mortgages.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, you sell mortgages Are you good at it?

[Brian Redban]

Well, he's already got a catchphrase. That's good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm like 8% good. 8.5.

[Eric McLaughlin]

I'm okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus, I do. What do you do for fun, Eric?

[Eric McLaughlin]

I golf. I mean, what a classic thing in a white finance.

[Brian Redban]

Hey, Ben, if you guys need to go take five. You know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anything other than golf?

[Eric McLaughlin]

I, well, I play video games.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, what's your love life like, Eric?

[Eric McLaughlin]

Love life is very boring. It's not going well.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dates.

[Eric McLaughlin]

I do not go on dates.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the last time that you attempted a date with a. Are you, are you into women?

[Eric McLaughlin]

Yeah, I'm into women.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I, I. Yeah, yeah. I mean, a woman. Yeah, no doubt about it. No doubt about it. Since the birth of the newspaper I've been in.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Is that really how I sound?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. Yeah. Is that how I sound? Huh? Mortgage rates 7.5, 8.5. What are you into? What do you want?

[Brian Redban]

You sound like a cartoon that's gonna fight the Kaiser. That's what you sound.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I sell houses, but you have to live within one block of where my parents live.

[Brian Redban]

We have some great units available in baggage claim.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You could take a locomotive. Do you know house?

[Brian Redban]

Buy a war bond while you're at it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

See?

[Brian Redban]

Plant a victory garden. Why not?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Big upcoming election. I'm voting for Lyndon B. Johnson.

[Brian Redban]

I'm with Cal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's talk about these dates. When's the last time you attempted? Are you on any of the apps? Are you trying? You seem like a good looking guy until you talk.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Wow. That was okay. That made me feel kind of good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I guess I didn't know that about myself. See, I always thought I was incredibly attractive. Hey. Beep beep. Get out of my way. I'm coming through here. I gotta drive to the mothership for my first time.

[Brian Redban]

I need more petrol for my Model A.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Traffic has really been crazy since the invention of the automobile.

[Brian Redban]

They shouldn't have let the Chinese drive.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, look at this guy. This guy's.

[Brian Redban]

This guy has gout and he's walking out. I mean, you have confidence, you know, you carry yourself in a way where it sounds like you might say something funny.

[Eric McLaughlin]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I, I hope I do.

[Eric McLaughlin]

I'm just trying.

[Cam Patterson]

I'm.

[Eric McLaughlin]

I don't know. This is my first time in front of more than like 20 people, so this is pretty insane.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But yeah, absolutely. Okay.

[Eric McLaughlin]

But yes, to answer your question, I am on apps. I do look for love.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does your bio say? Let's try to help you out well, shit.

[Eric McLaughlin]

I don't have my phone. Probably something like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what it says?

[Brian Redban]

I know what it's about to say. As seen on Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no. The big bomb. Yeah. God, look at the people storming back in. And there goes another one. We are breaking even for people. It was. Yeah, they're just tag teaming. People are starting a cocaine habit in real time. These stylings of Eric McLaughlin. It's weird. Laugh is in the middle of your last name. Eric McLaughlin.

[Eric McLaughlin]

I know. Pretty tacky, pretty hacky.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Crazy. No, it's. It's there. Is that your real last name?

[Eric McLaughlin]

That's my real last name. Irish. But I'm actually Brazilian, which is interesting.

[Brian Redban]

Now we're talking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How are you Brazilian?

[Eric McLaughlin]

My mom is Brazilian. I am Brazilian. I have a passport there and everything and I go to Brazil. I speak Portuguese.

[Brian Redban]

You should get a huge ass installed. Yeah, that'd be cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Comics need a hook in this day and age.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

If you got a huge ass and you're just fucking rocking it around in those shorts.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Yeah, no hook, just a bump. I don't have an ass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red pan. Come on.

[Brian Redban]

You stepped on the one funny thing he almost said

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red band is the master at that. Oh my God. Can you speak? I want to hear your. Do a. Do a joke in Portuguese. Oh, come on. You're really putting me on the spot here.

[Eric McLaughlin]

That's.

[Cam Patterson]

There's no way.

[Eric McLaughlin]

I couldn't do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you port. Do you know how to speak Portuguese?

[Eric McLaughlin]

Does anyone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That lady that said. What? No, wait, wait.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh. Oh, shit. Well, well, well. What goes around comes around, my friend.

[Brian Redban]

Your house of lies is crumbling. Quincy,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You.

[Eric McLaughlin]

You speak Portuguese for real?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Quincy, what did he say when he said something into the mic? Put the mic up to Quincy's mouth. He literally said, I'm going to tell you a joke in Portuguese. But he didn't say a joke. Oh. Oh. Quincy, you have front row tickets anytime you won from now on. This has been an amazing episode for you. VIP super treat. Do you live here in Austin, Quinn? Okay, perfect.

[Brian Redban]

Good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I just realized that I gave away $6,000 worth tickets at once. That's unacceptable behavior. But it was worth the pop, okay?

[Brian Redban]

People heard Quincy talk and they're rushing back in the room.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, exactly. With dripping wet vaginas. Okay, so this la like last date you went on, when do you think that was?

[Eric McLaughlin]

Oh, probably a year ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my goodness. 1942. Right before the start of the war.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Oh my gosh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I believe it was the guy. Winston Churchill at The time. Maybe it's the nerd on the radio.

[Eric McLaughlin]

It was a year ago. It was a year ago. We went out to a bar. We got martinis. It just didn't click. I was just like. Yeah, I'm not. I'm not feeling this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you say it didn't click? Exactly how.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did it go?

[Eric McLaughlin]

She was just. We were just chatting along. I was chatting with her.

[Cam Patterson]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, what do you say? You know what I want to do? Heidi? Is Heidi here? Can we get Heidi out here?

[Brian Redban]

Heidi.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. Look who it is. Heidi. Heidi, I just want you to stand there, and I want you to look him dead in the eyes. I don't want you to break eye contact with them at all. I want you to look dead at him. Heidi.

[Heidi]

Okay?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I want you to talk to Heidi like you're on a date with Heidi. Eric, you. No, don't look at me. Eric, you look at Heidi. Heidi, you look at him. Eric, look at Heidi.

[Heidi]

I'm looking right at him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. Stop breaking eye contact with each other. Oh, yeah. Heidi, don't do that with your hair. That's not fair. Don't do that. Oh, no. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, my God.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Hello.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hi. Oh, hello.

[Brian Redban]

Nice opener.

[Heidi]

You're killing it.

[Eric McLaughlin]

I love this Applebee's. Is this your first time at Applebee's or just ever on a date?

[Heidi]

Yes.

[Cam Patterson]

Both.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Anytime you hear that horn, that means that you've done not good.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Got it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just so that you know.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is it? An Applebee's. Or at. Anywhere. Out to eat. Ever. Ever. I can see why it's not going great. So let's try it again. Here we go. Take it from the top. And action.

[Eric McLaughlin]

What are you thinking of ordering?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, straight to that. All right. Weird move. You just sat down. I mean, the men. I mean, my goodness. Oh. What are you thinking of ordering, huh?

[Heidi]

I usually let the man that I'm with order for me.

[Shelly Peebles]

I'm a lady.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. Oh.

[Heidi]

So what are you getting us?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The pressure is on. What are you going to order? I'm the waiter. Hey. Hey. What can I get you guys?

[Eric McLaughlin]

I'll get the.

[Heidi]

The.

[Eric McLaughlin]

The barbecue shrimp. And I guess she will, too, because she doesn't know what she wants.

[Mike Hammock]

I don't know.

[Heidi]

Oh, my man after my own heart.

[Mike Hammock]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know.

[Brian Redban]

They're crying her.

[Eric McLaughlin]

I want to eat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I guess at this point, this went to domestic violence. On the first question on what would you like to order? Why don't we. You guys want to Start with some drinks. Are you drinking shrimp juice, sir? Jesus Christ. Welcome to App. Let's try it again. Take it from the top. All right.

[Brian Redban]

Hey, we got you our best table right here. Tony will be over for you in a second. You're in good hands tonight.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Okay, perfect. Perfect.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We have. You look lovely. We just got this host. We hired him straight from Rainforest Cafe. He got fired today. We hired him at this Applebees. And then. Oh, my God.

[Heidi]

It's a very nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then I approach the table, pretend like I'm standing next to you, and welcome to Applebee's. What can I get for y'?

[Brian Redban]

All?

[Eric McLaughlin]

Probably start with some drinks. Do you know what you want?

[Heidi]

Just a water with a lemon.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Some water. Okay. I'll have two shots of vodka.

[Brian Redban]

That would be.

[Heidi]

I'll take two as well. Actually, I'd like two as well.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Two shots of vodka and a water coming right up. You guys enjoy. Enjoy some conversation. I'll be right back with those drinks.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Okay?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Eric McLaughlin]

So what do you do for a living?

[Heidi]

I'm a waitress on Kill, Tony.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Awesome.

[Heidi]

And I also manage a strip club.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh,

[Eric McLaughlin]

yeah? Which one?

[Heidi]

Yellow Rose in Austin, Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Yeah, I've been to the Red.

[Heidi]

That's a great club as well.

[Eric McLaughlin]

It is.

[Heidi]

Yes.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Lots of pretty girls everywhere.

[Heidi]

I work with twelves all the time. 12.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Heidi]

Honestly, I think you're doing great.

[Eric McLaughlin]

I appreciate it. Thank God that my first minute was over, but that was horrible. It was bad.

[Brian Redban]

Hey, Tony, I just started working here, but you might want to bail out table eight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Don't change the lighting. This is. I'm obsessed with this. This might go on for the next 45 minutes. Hold on. Keep the. I want to keep the conversation going. It's unbelievable. You're waiting for your drinks. I'm out there making a water with lemon and two shots of vodka.

[Brian Redban]

Classic Applebee's order.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sam is filling up the ice bucket for me. I needed more ice, so.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Yeah. So how long have you lived in Austin?

[Heidi]

I've been here about three years now.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Okay, perfect. Yeah. And do you like it here?

[Heidi]

I love it. There's a lot of fun things to do. A lot of transplants, unfortunately, from California, but. What can you do? You know, those Californians, they just keep coming here. They're just flooding. They say, one recession, one recession, and they can't handle anything.

[Eric McLaughlin]

So they come right here. Fuck those guys.

[Darren Jones]

Yeah.

[Eric McLaughlin]

I'm a local.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't fuck them

[Heidi]

good. Thank God. Thank God. I'm so sick of Going on these dates with these Californian men.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Totally. Yeah.

[Heidi]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Eric, you're being out alpha ed by your date. You might want to. Might want to control some of the conversation here.

[Eric McLaughlin]

So you go to the gym at all?

[Heidi]

I do. I love it. I basically live there. Yeah, it's one block away from my parents house.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Sounds convenient.

[Tom Feeback]

So.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Don't see a problem with that.

[Heidi]

So where were you born?

[Eric McLaughlin]

I was. I'm from California.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh God.

[Heidi]

Waiter. Waiter.

[Cam Patterson]

Waiter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my goodness.

[Cam Patterson]

Let's go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Heidi, let's go. Get the fuck out of here.

[Heidi]

I'd love to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Your date just went and banged the weight in. Great job. Holy shit. Oh my God. Eric. Sam, where do we even begin with this post game analysis of this date?

[Brian Redban]

I've never seen a guy come in his pants on a fake date.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's like, I'm gonna order the shrimp and I guess just two. Oh boy. I'll have the scallops, two shots of vodka. The water. I see you have both breasts. That's.

[Brian Redban]

That's convenient.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One for me, one for you.

[Brian Redban]

I hope both my vodkas get here soon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy Eric.

[Brian Redban]

He did a good job, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that was good. It's amazing.

[Eric McLaughlin]

I appreciate that. Appreciate that.

[Brian Redban]

Redemption song.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it is incredible. You know what, Eric?

[Brian Redban]

Give him your watch. Two months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, Feeling in the giving mood tonight. And even though the set was obviously two months and just barely. Okay. I absolutely loved your commitment to this interview which has lasted 18 minutes. There's a. There's a funny guy in there somewhere. Just like the guy from Denver.

[Brian Redban]

I don't remember his name either.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was Mike Hampton.

[Cam Patterson]

Hammock.

[Brian Redban]

Mike Hammock.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, Mike Hammock.

[Brian Redban]

Family annihilator. Mike Hammock.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. He's been doing it 12 years. Sam watched him get better. I think there's some potential in there. People might look back on this one day, years from now and be like, holy shit. That was the start of Eric McLaughlin. Here's a big joke book. Go fill it up. Oh, he didn't catch it right off the front of the hand. Not a good sign, folks. That's how it starts. Eric, congratulations, dude.

[Eric McLaughlin]

I really appreciate it. I love the show and thank everybody.

[William Montgomery]

Thank you guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Awesome. There he goes. Eric McLaughlin, ladies and gentlemen. God damn. We're having some fun here tonight.

[Brian Redban]

This is so much fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's unbelievable. It's unbelievable. Ah, well, well, well.

[Heidi]

Ashamed. He lasted 18 minutes with me, honestly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, what?

[Heidi]

I said I'm ashamed. He lasted 18 minutes with me. I could have done so much Better.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's amazing. It was fantastic. The hot, hilarious, smart Heidi. One more time for Heidi. Playing along. Great fucking Sport.

[Brian Redban]

Hey. Table 8 didn't pay their check.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He dined and ditched. And there's a weird, weird, white, sticky substance on his seat.

[Brian Redban]

Did you bring him clam chowder? I don't remember you bringing him clam chowder.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's weird. It's also mixed with tears. All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Shelly Peebles, everybody. Shelly Peebles. Wow.

[Shelly Peebles]

I can't see shit. Which is good because, like, this is a lot of people. I'm Shelly Peebles. I don't usually say my last name because people always get it fucking wrong. Or they say. They say pebbles or pee balls. I got made fun of a lot as a kid. I'm actually a dental hygienist. I'm just starting out doing comedy, but I really love it. I also smoke a lot of weed, which I realize is an oxymoron. I've been an oxymoron all my life. It's fine. I'm used to it. My parents were hippies. I grew up in Austin. My parents were hippies, but they didn't smoke weed. And I grew up in Texas, so think about that for a minute. How does a white woman in Texas smoke a lot of weed? Well, I became a cannabis sommelier because I liked weed so much, so I just decided to take. Take a deep dive into that. I also just discovered I have adhd. I'm like the poster child for Gen X women in Texas. Yeah, I know. Menopause, hormones, all that. Yeah. I just started taking testosterone. I was told that if you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Bear has spoken. Welcome to another episode of Kill Therapy. This is incredible. We learned so much about you. Dental hygienist, hippie, adhd, menopause on testosterone. Not a single joke. You literally did the interview part of the show first, which leaves us in a weird position here.

[Shelly Peebles]

Damn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is incredible. Did you come here straight from work? I did, actually, yeah. I believe it. You are dressed like a dental hygienist right now. If you didn't say you were a dental hygienist, I would say that you look like a dental hygienist. Are you asking if that's black?

[Shelly Peebles]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What. What do you mean? Plaque?

[Shelly Peebles]

I wear plaque.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no, that's. Sometimes there's a. That's like a. There's a. A. A label on the inside of your shirt. That inside lapel.

[Brian Redban]

Do you think Quincy's plaque. Someone had to say something funny, you

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

know, it is incredible.

[Shelly Peebles]

More like hot chocolate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What happened here tonight, Shelly? So how long have you been trying standup comedy?

[Shelly Peebles]

Off and on for like, six months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Off and on for six months? How often do you try?

[Shelly Peebles]

As often as I can. But I also have a full time job and two kids.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, two kids. One in three. You live in Colorado.

[Brian Redban]

I bet your kids are in their teens.

[Shelly Peebles]

They are, yes. Yes. Because I'm in menopause.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, we'll go with that.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. That is, I assume you started early because you have the lion of Judah tattooed on your arm.

[Shelly Peebles]

Which one?

[Brian Redban]

The lion of Judah? Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

On your arm.

[Shelly Peebles]

My daughter drew that.

[Brian Redban]

Your daughter drew it? Well, she's gifted.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Brian Redban]

At least someone in the family's got talent. Now, let's. I don't want to be nasty. I'm sorry. Stand up's hard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is. It is really hard. Especially when you're going through menopause, which you've mentioned multiple times so far. It's basically your get er done. If a joke doesn't work, I'm going to start trying that. If a joke ever fails for me, if I ever try one, it just goes, I'm. I'm going through menopause. The crazy thing is, that'll work for me. That'll actually get a laugh.

[Shelly Peebles]

It might, it might.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But it won't free you.

[Shelly Peebles]

Damn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So let's talk about it. Shelley, you are in the Eye of the Storm, A show that's famous for being a big boom and burst and help for people that do good and hand. It's rough on people that have a rough set. And you're in it right now. How does that make you feel? You seem like you have a lot of emotions. You seem like you're medicated. Are you on a lot of medicine?

[Shelly Peebles]

No. I wish I was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You just smoke pot?

[Shelly Peebles]

I smoke a lot of pots.

[Brian Redban]

And then whatever nitrous you can get out of the tank, right?

[Shelly Peebles]

Actually, I had a dentist that did that.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, yeah?

[Shelly Peebles]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Can you get us pills?

[Shelly Peebles]

I don't know.

[Brian Redban]

It's nice meeting you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for your adhd?

[Shelly Peebles]

Well, I actually just started taking Adderall.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. So you are on some medicine after all.

[Shelly Peebles]

Just today I took my first dose.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Shelly Peebles]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Brian Redban]

Do you have them on you?

[Shelly Peebles]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Two for ten. Hey, I have two shots of vodka and a water. Okay.

[Brian Redban]

Whoa. That date went through menopause at the table.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Shelly, let's talk about it. You mentioned menopause more than anything else. How long you been going through that for? What's that, like 10 years? 10 years. Wow.

[Brian Redban]

Knock it off.

[Shelly Peebles]

It started early.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Jesus Christ almighty. Oh my goodness.

[Shelly Peebles]

This is why I smoke a lot of weed. That and I have an ex husband. Husband.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, okay. You guys get along?

[Shelly Peebles]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. Why not? What's he like?

[Shelly Peebles]

Cuz he's a dick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Shelly Peebles]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What? What? What? How is he a dick?

[Shelly Peebles]

Well, he's very abusive.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Jesus Christ. Boy.

[Brian Redban]

Let's mine this vein, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Okay, changing direction.

[Brian Redban]

Who's ready to laugh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Interview

[Brian Redban]

jesus.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What ethnicity? What ethnicity is your ex husband? He's white. Oh, okay. Yeah, there you go. There you go. Okay, there you go. All right.

[Brian Redban]

You learned something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

White like. All right. Quincy's looking at me like. Don't do it, dude. Stop. Stop it.

[Shelly Peebles]

The door's open.

[Brian Redban]

What?

[Shelly Peebles]

The door's open.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The door is open.

[Shelly Peebles]

I'm not on the apps, but you're

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

not on the apps. When's the last time you've been on a date?

[Shelly Peebles]

Oh, it's been a while.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, last week. Is Eric still here? Do we have Eric around?

[Brian Redban]

Eric probably hung himself.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Eric's. Eric's long gone.

[Brian Redban]

We should have taken his shoelaces before he left at the stage.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's okay. Very good. Red band. It's a red Band heavy episode. I love it. In the Zone tonight. So amazing. This interview is like pulling teeth. If I only had a dental hygienist to help me.

[Shelly Peebles]

Would you like me to pull some teeth of yours?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. And neither would I ever want to fill your cavity. So tell us, Shelly, what do you think's funny about you? Like, what are some moments in life where you've been funny like, and you're like, I could, I could. I should do standup.

[Shelly Peebles]

It's just a long road of different journeys and then it's led me to here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. No, this is exciting. It is extremely hard thing to do. I'm trying to figure out here.

[Shelly Peebles]

I used to sing in the choir at church.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You did? Okay, why don't we try them?

[Shelly Peebles]

No.

[Brian Redban]

Was that the stone cold music?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my goodness. Stone cold. But enough about her vagina. Yeah,

[Brian Redban]

I. I thought that menopause made you very warm and wet.

[Shelly Peebles]

Well, no, it's actually quite the opposite.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my goodness. What's drier, your pussy or your sense of humor?

[Shelly Peebles]

That's toss up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a toss up. That's fun. See, that's funny, Shelly. There you go.

[Brian Redban]

She said she sang in choir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so let's. Why don't we try this, you know, you have more experience, obviously, at choir. A one, a two, one, two, three, four.

[Shelly Peebles]

I. Yeah. I'm sorry. No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shelly, you're going to sing here tonight.

[Shelly Peebles]

Oh, God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You didn't want to do. You don't get any jokes. And we're going to at least try to hit a note here tonight.

[Shelly Peebles]

I can't even think of a song to sing right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

These, you know, black. What's a. What's a church song?

[Heidi]

I don't even.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing Grace.

[Brian Redban]

It wasn't a gospel choir, was it?

[Shelly Peebles]

No.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, never mind.

[Shelly Peebles]

It was like church music, but, like, pop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, how about a poppy version of Amazing Grace? And here we go.

[Shelly Peebles]

Where's my music?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

1, 2, 3, 4.

[Shelly Peebles]

I don't know if that's Amazing grace music.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is, like, about to be like an Adele moment right now. Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. My God. You made my pussy go dry. And I have a famously wet pussy. Unbelievable.

[Brian Redban]

It's like she's allergic to microphones.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is incredible. What, do you just sing it like karaoke? What do you. Nothing.

[Shelly Peebles]

Oh. Hit me with your best shot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Shelly Peebles]

That's my. That's right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hit me with your best shot. Oh, my. Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Oh, my God. The windows are breaking on 6th street right now. This is incredible.

[Brian Redban]

Quincy, can you save her?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is this why your husband hit you? Red band. What is wrong with you? Is it why your husband hit you?

[Eric McLaughlin]

This

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

sings like. She's laughing, people. I can already feel the heat from this one. I can. She's laughing. You. It's called the Hot flash.

[Shelly Peebles]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. I love it. There's a little fire in there. Shelly Peebles.

[Shelly Peebles]

Well, I am an Aries.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, look out. Yeah, look out.

[Brian Redban]

Wait, you're into astrology?

[Shelly Peebles]

I have.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No way.

[Brian Redban]

Who saw that one coming?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your whole set was crap.

[Cam Patterson]

A.

[Shelly Peebles]

That's about where my knowledge is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. Shelly, we tried. We tried. Look, this isn't easy. You're six months in.

[Shelly Peebles]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're already funnier than Amy Schumer. You're leaving here with a little joke book. Can you catch? Very good. There we go. Shelly Peabody, ladies and gentlemen. There she goes. We're gonna keep it moving along. You guys still having fun out there? We're doing it. Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see tonight, anything can happen. Make some noise for your next comedian, Eddie Lersa. Eddie Lersa is next on Kill. Tony.

[Eddie Larsa]

I dated this girl who didn't believe in dinosaurs once. Cause they're not in the Bible, but neither is planet Mercury. And it was still the reason she was acting like a bitch all the time, apparently. And I grew up a Christian. I'm not a Christian anymore, but this was my first time being exposed to one of these religiously special needs types. I didn't realize Christianity was a part of the spectrum. I thought I was an atheist. Now turns out I'm just not retarded. No, shouldn't call Christian people retarded because retarded people love dinosaurs. Dude, I got two buddies with autism that identify as triceratops right now. And the point of this is, if you're dating one of these religiously handicapped people, they're probably not gonna let you fuck them if you have a dinosaur kink while you watch Jurassic Park. But she did restore my faith in one aspect.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was it? What did she want? Restore your favor.

[Eddie Larsa]

I do believe in the burning bush again, cuz. That gave me chlamydia, dog.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, all right.

[Darren Jones]

Thank you, Eddie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Larsa.

[Brian Redban]

And we're back, people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, just like that.

[Brian Redban]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

These amazing. So welcome, Eddie.

[Eddie Larsa]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is your first time on the show?

[Eddie Larsa]

Second time. I got pulled in a turbo round one time. Okay, so it was quick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was that crazy episode where we found Aaron Belial at the end or.

[Eddie Larsa]

No, it was the last pop up episode before. I think it was before you went to la.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Before with the regulars.

[Eddie Larsa]

Yeah, yeah, it was a regulars episode.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perfect. How did that go? Is that good too?

[Eddie Larsa]

Yeah, it was fun.

[Darren Jones]

Awesome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Awesome. So welcome back. Tell us more about you that we didn't learn the last time you were on the show.

[Eddie Larsa]

The last time we talked about me growing up in a group home for a minute. My mom's a professional jazz and blues singer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Eddie Larsa]

I've been out here for almost a year. A year and two weeks. It'll be a year and two weeks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. So it's been a year.

[Eddie Larsa]

It's been a year. It's been a year.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It'll be a year and three weeks a week after that.

[Eddie Larsa]

I love it out here. This is Austin's. Great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you love about Austin?

[Eddie Larsa]

I mean, I love the comedy scene, for sure. I don't do a whole lot else anymore with my time right now. People I work in a bar down the street and they always ask me what there is to do. I'm like, I can tell you where all the clubs are. I don't drink anymore. I've been sober for a year and a half now.

[Brian Redban]

You have sober face.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

You look like you look like you're fucking clinging to the trees of a forest fire in your mind. Like anything could send you back into that well. Whiskey Man.

[Eddie Larsa]

No, no. Tequila. Dwell. Tequila.

[Brian Redban]

Okay. Mine was funny, but we could. Do you climb rocks?

[Eddie Larsa]

No, no, I used to. I mean, I used to do. I've moved all over the country. I used to snowboard, and I've lived in Keystone, Colorado, for a couple years. I was in California for a year. Florida, North Carolina. I moved here from Florida.

[Brian Redban]

You were trying to run away from that group home, huh?

[Eddie Larsa]

Normally, I would just burn my life down and be like, all right, we're done here. Now we'll go somewhere else.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, okay. What do you do for work? Oh, yeah. You were at a bar down the street?

[Eddie Larsa]

Yeah, I work at a bar down there. More crazy stuff when I'm just out here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you say on Rainy Street?

[Eddie Larsa]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's your thoughts about the Rainy Street Ripper?

[Eddie Larsa]

I don't know if I believe in him, to be honest.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you're with the police on this one?

[Eddie Larsa]

I'm just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You think it's just a wild array of accidents?

[Eddie Larsa]

Yeah. Maybe some suicides. I'm not really. I don't know. He's been doing it a long time. I feel like it's.

[Brian Redban]

How would you know that?

[Eddie Larsa]

I'm on Rainey Street a lot and

[Brian Redban]

you're just a drifter who wandered into town and then murders started happening.

[Eddie Larsa]

Yeah. I was like, there's a lot of gay guys here. Let me take care of that.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. You don't need booze when you have blood.

[Eddie Larsa]

Yeah, that's. I. There was a serial killer in San Diego that killed homeless people. When I lived out there, that was something I thought could be brought here true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Heroically. What a coincidence.

[Brian Redban]

Smile. That makes it better.

[Heidi]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Brian Redban]

How do you. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what else should we know about you? There must be something else interesting that we didn't find out last time you were on the show.

[Eddie Larsa]

I mean, I was a vicious drug addict and alcoholic for 16 years.

[Brian Redban]

Vicious.

[Darren Jones]

Vicious.

[Eddie Larsa]

I don't. I. Once I get drunk, I don't care what the drug is, Just set it down and let me have it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He said he lived in Key Bump, Colorado, for a while.

[Eddie Larsa]

Oh, yeah, it was. It was Key Bumps, too. I got. I got sick one time from doing cocaine in Colorado. Kind of sick, like a real chest thing. I couldn't move for days. My dad was like, it'll be fine. I was like, okay, I think I'm dying right now.

[Brian Redban]

But otherwise, the only cure is murdering a homosexual.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Eddie Larsa]

Yeah, that's why I had to come here. I had to get over it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So a lot of guys, when they get sober from that type of wildlife, their addiction turns into something else. Are you like a sex addict or something like that?

[Eddie Larsa]

No, I actually haven't. This is the longest dry spell ever. I haven't had sex or been on a date in a year now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A little over a year. Never hung out with a sand pussy dental hygienist before.

[Brian Redban]

That sounds like a slur. These fucking sand pussies out there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was in Afghanistan. Killed about 35 sand pussies.

[Eddie Larsa]

I just have. I have horrible taste in women. So I think part of me is like, maybe I'll just leave them like the. It was a fun story. My last serious girlfriend broke my face in six places with her new boyfriend. Wow. And stalked me for two years afterwards. Her boyfriend was the one who stalked me the most. I never really understood that. Didn't make much sense.

[Brian Redban]

That is a fun story.

[Dan Nolan]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. So how did that happen? Did he jump you? And why did you say that she broke your face in sixth place?

[Eddie Larsa]

Well. Cause it was. Her foot was the last one I saw. Hit my head.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, shit.

[Eddie Larsa]

Yeah. She was like, you can't tell people that we jumped you. It was only four of us. I was like, I think that's. Is it five for her jumping? Like. I don't know. It felt like I saw eight feet. I saw eight feet.

[Dan Nolan]

Wow.

[Eddie Larsa]

But, yeah, she was a drug addict, a former drug addict. And then we were together for a year. She started dating this other guy who, after we broke up, who was feeding her drugs. And me and him just didn't see eye to eye. And one night he.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Quite the crew of people that we get up here.

[Eddie Larsa]

Yeah. And then I was staying away from him. They got me fired from my job. And then I got drunk enough to be mad and I met. Went and met him in a dark parking lot at like 2 in the morning. It was a horrible deal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, Quincy dark. Or I wish I had a Quincy cam so that you guys could see the looks I'm getting over here on that one. He was looking at the comedian. Then looked at me like, unbelievable. I love it.

[Brian Redban]

Why'd you meet him in a dark parking lot?

[Eddie Larsa]

It was. It was like three in the morning. There were no street lights. I just remember seeing four people get out of the car and I was like, oh, no. I've made a terrible mistake.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that's how d. Madness feels all the time. The world is a dark. The world is A dark parking lot. Darn air. Darn dare. Down, down, down.

[Brian Redban]

All right, so then you saw these people get out with your drugged up ex and you're like, let's hear him out.

[Eddie Larsa]

I mean, I was like, well, there's no turning back now. And yeah, then they. He hit me good. I'll give it to the. He hit me good. And then as soon as I could get up, I ran away.

[Brian Redban]

Would you say he hit you with his best shot?

[Eddie Larsa]

His best.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He hit your amazing face.

[Eddie Larsa]

Yeah, if I. If I touch right here, I can still feel it in my tooth because it was like multiple face fractures here and here. My nose was turned this way. Deviated septum.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now that you. Your eye up a little.

[Brian Redban]

I see.

[Eddie Larsa]

I. I didn't think so, but.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red band, red band.

[Eddie Larsa]

New insecurity activated.

[Brian Redban]

You're used to. To men kicking you while you're down?

[Eddie Larsa]

Yeah, no, I used to get. I used to get drunk and just. I'd black out. When I was living in Colorado, I'd black out and I'd wake up with new bruises and I'd have to hit up my friends and be like, did I get in a fight last night? They'd be like, oh, yeah, you got your ass kicked again. I was like, all right, cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. You got a big joke book last time you were on the show. Great. Then this is for Quincy. There you go, there he goes. Eddie Larsa, ladies and gentlemen. Gentlemen, there he goes. And it's that time. I mean, you were here for an absolute bonkers episode of Kill Tony. And on a night like this, on an episode like this, I think there's only one way to put a ribbon on it.

[Dan Nolan]

Oh, really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the reigning record holder, all time appearances, all time interviews, the Baron of band aids, the Sultan of Salt, the Ginger of geometry, the connoisseur of carnosaurs, of carnivores, the King of Kentucky, the Strangler of Memphis. This is the Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery.

[William Montgomery]

Man, y' all know I love geometry. Okay? Donald Trump claims that Haitian immigrants are devouring people's pets. And honestly, I feel like he got the wrong immigrant. I mean, if we got Hans Kim. If we asked Hans Kim if he knew anybody feasting on domesticated animals, he would know. Okay, I kind of messed that one up. Please help me, Sam. But seriously, if a Haitian immigrant wants to sacrifice a small animal, that's their religious freedom. Nobody is stopping you from murdering your unborn child, Red band. But I do feel like we should Step up border security and mandate that any Haitian immigrant attempting to cross the of the US should be forced to practice voodoo. Because if they show up and they're saying, oh, Catholicism, hell no. What are you bringing to the table? You better be mixing up potions, stirring up bodies, directing zombies. That'd be like joining the CIA. And then first day on the job you're like, first of all, I refuse to actively participate in any conspiracy to assassinate the president.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's like dog.

[Brian Redban]

What are you doing?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you know what this job is?

[William Montgomery]

Okay. I got through it all kind of. Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was beautiful. William.

[William Montgomery]

I got the red band. I got the dig on red band. Recently having an abortion. I was able to get that in there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is breaking.

[William Montgomery]

Is that why you shaved? Is that like you? You look like kind of a baby right now. Because you killed the baby inside of your woman.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love to think, I love that you think that a 50 year old guy could have babies with drinking and smoking and doing everything I do right now.

[Brian Redban]

That's nice of you. That's a compliment.

[William Montgomery]

Oh yeah, I forgot the men carry the babies. I forgot about that.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Idiot.

[William Montgomery]

What the hell are you talking about? That literally made no sense.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dumbass.

[William Montgomery]

I didn't even want to talk to your ass tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you think?

[William Montgomery]

I think men carry the children.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that what you were having? Literally the best episode of your life? Fine. Literally. Redban was the breakout star of this episode. And then he claimed that he can't have babies. Like he's a dental hygienist. The old sand over here. Oh my goodness, what a time to be alive.

[William Montgomery]

And Sam, I have a question for you. What did you get get recently an Android? Because I've been texting you and the messages used to be. Used to be blue. Another green.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Gross.

[Brian Redban]

What a nasty thing to say. What a wicked accusation.

[William Montgomery]

I've been texting you. You don't respond any.

[Brian Redban]

You called me this morning at 9am like a true psychopath. Cuz you were up all night waiting for the birds to come back or whatever the you do.

[William Montgomery]

I needed you. I'm waiting for Wednesday day, new season of Survivor. I cannot wait. I'm staying up until the new season of Survivor, Sam. Yeah, that's what I do every year. So yeah, I was up and called you at 9:00am and somebody didn't respond. What were you doing? Sleeping?

[Brian Redban]

I respond, yeah, I was cuz I had a big night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cool.

[Brian Redban]

Okay. I was finished. Homeland.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Help. Tony Dilly Boy McGumballs is back yet again. William, what's been going on this Week

[William Montgomery]

with your Life, nothing was in Raleigh, North Carolina. And thank God, Tony, I was able to do some of the yelling down in Raleigh because I was so genuinely afraid because my blood, my throat was bleeding after Mall of America. So I was very worried about Raleigh last week.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was it really?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, literally. I got so self conscious, Tony, because I see myself, I'm watching people in the audience, and I'm also seeing all the spit constantly flying out of my mouth. And I got real self conscious that it was actually blood flying out of my mouth, hitting the people. I don't think it was blood, but yes, I was tasting a bunch of blood in my mouth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you?

[William Montgomery]

I'm not kidding. It really kind of scared me a little bit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I probably use like chewing tobacco or vapes or something. What do you do?

[William Montgomery]

No, I mean, I'm still doing Zen. I'm still doing that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do a lot of it?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah. One's in my mouth right now. Yeah, normally it's not, but. Tony, I'm on edge. He wasn't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What milligrams are you on?

[William Montgomery]

This is six. I used to have two sixes in my mouth at all times. And then.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow.

[William Montgomery]

The Florida Gators lost last year to Florida State and I wasn't feeling good and I went and finally looked at my gums in the mirror and it was kind of a. It looked like a war zone a little bit. So I. I got it down to 6 milligrams. A single 6 milligram.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

So, yeah, things are looking. Upper is open, ma'.

[Brian Redban]

Am.

[William Montgomery]

You have your thing up. I can see your. She literally.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn.

[William Montgomery]

Did you tell your to do that on purpose, sir? That was so weird.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. That's a true Sam Talon fan. Right?

[Eddie Larsa]

I know.

[William Montgomery]

It's the same talent shirt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's got the Sam Talon shirt and the zipper down. That's a. The party people.

[Brian Redban]

I'm sorry I missed your call, William. I was asleep and then I texted you when I woke up.

[William Montgomery]

Okay, I know you did. Thank you.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. Isn't that a nice thing for a friend to do?

[Shelly Peebles]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

Thanks. Maybe I'll call you tomorrow.

[Brian Redban]

I would like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Brian Redban]

Let's not do it before the sun rises, stupid.

[William Montgomery]

Okay.

[Brian Redban]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like how you really, really took away from the moment about your biggest fan having your zipper down.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, she's lovely. She's in my DMs all the time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So this is. I'm interested to know how many people are gonna have their zipper down in what part of Kenneth.

[Brian Redban]

You know, let's just Ride on off Bridgeport. I'm hoping we can cancel the shows so, you know, come to San Diego or Tampa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Samtalent.com with two Ls.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, give me a follow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. No, it's true. Please do and subscribe to the show. We. We don't say that enough. We've been told by people.

[Brian Redban]

How's your. How's your family, William?

[William Montgomery]

Going good. They're very. They're doing good.

[Brian Redban]

Good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, there was a. There was a little cancer scare, though, with my mother, so. Thank God she.

[Brian Redban]

She was so ugly. Cancer was scared of her.

[William Montgomery]

I wish that was the case. No, A lump on her liver.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How's Selden doing?

[William Montgomery]

Luckily, she doesn't have cancer.

[Brian Redban]

Well, you were nasty to me, so I'm firing back. I'm sorry about yours.

[William Montgomery]

Or wasn't that nasty to you?

[Brian Redban]

It was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was.

[Brian Redban]

It was very personal.

[William Montgomery]

Okay. I shouldn't have brought it up.

[Brian Redban]

I'm trying to be a better friend to people. I'm sorry. Sorry your mom's. Sorry your mom's lousy with cancer. It's probably your fault if you think about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is this true, William?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, it's my fault. It's all my fault. She got liver cancer and now I'm gonna have to deal with that for the rest. You agree, Redband?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I don't.

[Dan Nolan]

She.

[Brian Redban]

Last time I checked, it seemed completely fine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh, you checked her for cancer? No, I checked her liver.

[William Montgomery]

Dude, shut up, dumbass. Don't come at me like that. Don't come at me like that. I get it. You're actually kind of funny tonight. It doesn't normally happen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It really is. I don't know what is going on. What are you. You have vitamins in your vape pen or something? What's going on tonight? Are you on alpha brain? Did you put a little alpha brain in your morning ice cream today?

[Brian Redban]

Your morning ice cream?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Had morning ice cream. We ran out of milk for their coffee. It is incredible.

[Cam Patterson]

William.

[Brian Redban]

Look at this guy.

[Cam Patterson]

Which one?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is. Look at this guy right here with the face.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

He looks weird. He looks strange. What nationality are you, sir? You Native American or what is your nationality?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mixed white. Different types of white.

[Brian Redban]

We just used to call that white when I was a child.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mixed white, huh? Different types of white. He's from Connecticut. Oh, my God. You can't make it up, folks. Imagine a whole audience filled with people that look like that with their zippers down in Bridgeport, Connecticut. Guaranteed, even the Thursday will sell out after this.

[Brian Redban]

I believe in miracles. Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's not a person that lives within 45 minutes of Bridgeport that's going to be able to miss that show.

[Brian Redban]

Well, yeah, but they're probably nodding off on drugs, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Brian Redban]

William, you're doing quite well on the road. Everywhere I go, people say, we had William. He was great. He was a joy to work with. Yeah, it's been fun.

[William Montgomery]

Thank God. People have been generally laughing. It would be bad. I'd probably have to stop doing it if people stop laughing. So we'll see. Right this second, they're still laughing. So we'll see how long that can happen. I give it maybe a couple years. I think I got probably another couple good years in me. So we'll see. So come to see me because it's not gonna be long until I really just stop doing it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're thinking about retiring? No.

[Brian Redban]

He's gonna have to stop and take care of his mom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is this true? I'll take care of Drew. Oh, my goodness. You're going to stop and take care of your mom?

[William Montgomery]

I might have to. She's only getting older and I'm only getting older, and it's like, I don't know. You got to go back. You got to move back to Memphis. You got to help your mom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're thinking about within the next two years, retiring, stopping. You're going to stop.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah. It's really taking it out of me

[Brian Redban]

throat is I thought you were never going to stop.

[Cam Patterson]

Never going to stop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Oh. Oh, my God. I was about to have a cue card for the first time in the show's history. I was about to go. You ain't never going to stop. But I didn't have to do it. One more time for the great and powerful William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. He's done it again. Go see him on tour. Squarespace Talk, Space, Game time, Shopify, Zip, Recruiter. How loud can this be? Place, kid. For one of my favorite chemistry mixes, one of my favorite comedians, Sam Talon. The drawing from Ryan J. E Belt is in. It's literally cool as. Oh, my God. Yeah, we're gonna have to get you a frame print of that. That's one of the all time greats right there. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Groove line, Horns Follow the kill. Tony Band on Instagram. Michael Gonzalez, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo. Dee Madness. John Bees, Matt Muhling. A lot of fun stuff coming up. A lot of fun announcements. A lot of big stuff happening in our little universe. Redman, Anything you want to say yeah. Check out the sunsetstripatx.com how about. Hey, how about an extra big hand for a hot episode tonight? Brian redman, everybody. Unbelievable. You would have thought he worked in the comedy business if this was the first episode you saw tonight. Sam, anything you want to say?

[Brian Redban]

Subscribe to my YouTube and I'm so grateful to be part of the kill. Tony, thank you. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We love you all. God bless America. Thank you. Good night. It. Sa.