#744 - RON WHITE

Summary

KILL TONY #744 – RON WHITE
November 18, 2025 | Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX

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Episode Overview

This high-energy episode of Kill Tony, the world’s #1 live comedy podcast, celebrates five years of Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban living in Austin, Texas, and details the evolution of the city's now-legendary comedy scene. Ron White (“the Silver King,” “the Ambassador of Austin”), a pivotal influence in bringing the show (and Joe Rogan) to Austin, headlines as the sole guest. The trademark Kill Tony format brings fresh and seasoned comics onstage for a minute of stand-up and a lively, raucous interview with the panel, with this episode highlighting heartfelt milestones, irreverent humor, and moments of mentorship.

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Key Discussion Points & Major Segments

The Move to Austin & Ron White's Influence

• [03:04] Tony Hinchcliffe marks five years in Austin, attributing much of their decision to Ron White:
  “On top of being one of the greatest comedians of all time… It is the undeniable GOAT, Ron White! … The person that actually started this gangster shit wasn’t Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan was convinced to move here by… Ron White.”
• Ron reminisces about pushing Tony to Austin and promoting the unique live show format:
  “I was a fan of the show back in LA… it was such an interesting format. I just kind of believed in it and I really promoted Tony coming down here because he’s fun to hang out with…” —Ron White [06:20]

Comic Sets & Panel Interviews

Uncle Laser (Cold Open) – [08:17]

• Delivers a wild set on trauma from his parents’ divorce, ending with a story about trying to save his parents’ marriage by choking on Life Savers.
• Shares a story of “beating up a guy in Phoenix” after defending a woman at an after-party:
  “When you give up, you can feel it. When a man gives up, he just lets go… And I fucked that girl till the morning time.” —Uncle Laser [13:20]
• Ron White to Laser: "To see you really turning into a comic, man, and talking about your life and getting laughs… that’s really encouraging." [13:45]

Cameron Ilig – [15:28]

• Opens with an edgy bit about wanting a son, afraid of “kids who drop their pants at urinals.”
• Discusses his job in remote software sales, lack of love life, and amicable breakup.
• Ron White’s advice: “Four years isn’t very much… I don’t think you’d give up tonight… you got some potential.” [21:09]

Fuzzy (Door Guy) – [23:08]

• Hits hard with jokes about being a Middle Eastern man in America, arranged marriage, and goat sex, then launches into a hilarious “mashed potato” tangent.
• Practical lessons in shoplifting from Whole Foods, details of his 330 sqft apartment (“I’m the king of those two blocks”) [25:26], and why he avoids living near Mexicans (“I just don’t like living around them.”) [27:01]
• Booked instantly by both Tony and Ron:
  “You got the 7 o'clock show tomorrow, you want to come do it with me?” —Ron White [32:13]

Jesse Vasquez – [33:25]

• Recaps his recent Kill Tony appearance and his improvement.
• Ron White steers him on using his 60 seconds better: “If you have 60 seconds, don’t start off with a song…” [36:29]

Colin Sledge (Golden Ticket Winner) – [38:03]

• Performs a Tony impression in costume, complete with fake tattoos.
• Reveals his dad sent Tony a thank-you letter for inspiring Colin to move out (“Ten years ago, I built a garage guest house… Colin moved into it and has been there ever since…”) [45:14]
• Extended Buc-ee’s snacks chat, with Ron White sharing his brisket sandwich pick (“The brisket sandwich, and it rocks. I gotta tell you.”) [42:36]

Tomek Kolecki (Visiting Polish Comedian) – [47:02]

• Kills with self-deprecating jokes about Poland and clever “outsider” observations about America.
• Shares how Poland is like the “Oklahoma of Europe” and cracks about gun control (“I was disappointed. They took me to a shooting range, not to a school.”) [49:52]
• Explains there are only 3 black people in Poland (“…we never had slavery, so we never forced anybody to come…”) [51:52], friendship with UFC fighter Joanna Jedrzejczyk, and “pro comedian” status by 19.
• Tony: “You are such a natural comedian.” [56:09]

Jose Ayala – [58:30]

• Jokes about being a non-traditional Mexican, creative UTI origins, and an acid trip that led him to wake up pantsless at a bus stop.
• Ron: “So was it fun?” [62:38]

Carter Fan Cutcher – [66:21]

• Stand-up on his mustache, Redbox sex life, and his wife, a wastewater technician headed to India for Thanksgiving.
• Describes learning to wipe sitting down (“I’m cleaner and I smell less like poop all the time.”) [73:23]
• Ron plugs the benefits of a bidet: “I’ve got a rotating stream of water that shoots up my ass. It is nice.” [73:29]

Dedrick Flynn (New Kill Tony Regular) – [75:15]

• Smash hit debut as a official regular; jokes about drinking gasoline as a kid, getting kicked out of hibachi for being high, and working at a bar using silly string and pepper spray to break up fights (“serious stream”).
• Moving, candid interview about his late father, being pushed toward comedy, and rising through the ranks.
• Ron White extension: “I watched your set last week from the balcony… and I just laughed my face off. You’re going to be on my show tomorrow night.” [81:24]
• Tony: “When someone like you comes around, it reminds us all what we got in this for. It’s incredibly inspiring… Welcome to the family.” [83:32]

Henry J (Utah Mormon, “Riddler”) – [89:25]

• Rapid-fire, question-based punchlines ("Are utensils for non-binary people: Spork?"), referred to as “riddles” rather than jokes.
• Shares his journey to Mormonism (post-atheist phase, “BYU was highlighted in my mind…” [96:11]), life as a missionary, and awkward Mormon courtship—no premarital sexual contact, “blue balls the whole courtship” [103:02].
• Ron White: “Never let a Mormon set your buzz level. They're guessing, and they're shitty guessers.” [104:10]

Honey Donowitz – [104:42]

• One of the rare female comics on the night, gives a set about government policies and Epstein conspiracies. Reveals she survived vaginal cancer; deep, honest interview about using tampons, surgery, skin grafts, and leaving her kids in San Antonio to pursue comedy in Austin.
• “They grafted from further inside the pussy so that it wouldn’t be weird for any of the boys.” —Honey Donowitz [115:49]

Luke Rayboul – [117:53]

• Story about pooping at a Mexican restaurant, working at a (H-E-B-adjacent) grocery store, and how he entered comedy in Maryland.
• Tells his engagement story: met fiancée in a parking lot, knowing “she fell flat on her face…I’m gonna marry this girl!” [123:29]

William Montgomery (Regular & Hall of Famer) – [124:50]

• Returns after illness with classics:
  • “Scientists have developed a way for people with severe lung problems to breathe in and out through their butt.”
  • “One time in Chicago, some guy gave me AIDS…”
• Shares about his health, missing shows, and how stand-up is helping rejuvenate him.
• Banter with Redban over abs, learning disabilities, and more.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Ron White, comic mentor:
  “I've got. One of the fun things about working this club is you get to watch these guys come and mature and grow as comics, and you're doing a fucking great job.” —To Fuzzy [32:02]
• Tony Hinchcliffe, about Austin’s scene:
  “It's so exciting to watch everything happen in real time… And now you got your Dedrick Flynn added to the mix. It's so exciting to watch everything happen in real time.” [135:21]
• Dedrick Flynn:
  “So then you go to the hospital and you get your stomach pump. But then the doctors don't give me back the gasoline. What the fuck is up with that?” [75:15]
• Honey Donowitz:
  “I left my family and moved here full time to do this all the time.” [112:04]
• Henry J (on Mormon romance):
  “Blue balls the whole courtship.”
• Colin Sledge’s dad (letter):
  “Thank you so much for the role you played in shaming Colin into getting his own place…” [45:14]
• Fuzzy (on Whole Foods theft):
  “You put it all on the right side of that fucking thing… So there's no weight on the actual sensor… $2 every time, like $20 worth of food.” [28:52]
• William Montgomery (regarding Redban):
  “If I'm kind of feeling sick and then I'm thinking about your stupid ass, I think, think, no way. And then I have to call Tony and it's awkward, but it’s because of you.” [129:18]

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Timestamps for Major Segments

| Timestamp | Segment/Topic | |-----------|-----------------------------------------------------| | 03:04 | Celebrating 5 years in Austin; Ron White’s influence | | 08:17 | Uncle Laser’s opening set & interview | | 15:28 | Cameron Ilig | | 23:08 | Fuzzy; mashed potatoes, racism, shoplifting tips | | 33:25 | Jesse Vasquez | | 38:03 | Colin Sledge (Golden Ticket set, Tony impression) | | 47:02 | Tomek Kolecki (visiting from Poland) | | 58:30 | Jose Ayala (acid story, UTI) | | 66:21 | Carter Fan Cutcher | | 75:15 | Dedrick Flynn (new regular, breakthrough set) | | 89:25 | Henry J (Utah Mormon, riddles, courtship Q&A) | | 104:42 | Honey Donowitz (pussy cancer survivor) | | 117:53 | Luke Rayboul (engagement, grocery store work) | | 124:50 | William Montgomery returns | | 134:56-137:22 | Show wrap up, praises to Ron White & Austin |

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Episode Highlights

• Ron White’s mentorship is a recurring, heartfelt thread. He books comics Fuzzy and Dedrick Flynn on his next show live on-air.
• Cultural and personal diversity: The episode features comics from Poland to Utah and stories ranging from childhood trauma to cancer survival to “courtship blue balls.”
• Recurring running gags: Mashed potatoes, bacon, toilet humor, Mormons, shoplifting, and discussion of bodily function.
• Comics’ real-life struggles: Many use hardship (family splits, illness, immigration, job woes) as fodder for humor, with the panel both ribbing and supporting them.
• Big moments: Dedrick Flynn’s first “regular” spot stands out, as does Tomek’s international flair and Honey Donowitz’s raw honesty.
• Austin’s comedy scene legacy: The episode stands as a testament to Austin’s newfound status as comedy’s US capital, crediting Ron White at the root.

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Final Thoughts

A quintessential Kill Tony marathon blending raw and often profane stand-up with candid interviews—showcasing both the promise in new voices and the wisdom of comedy’s elder statesmen. The chemistry between Tony, Redban, and Ron White is electric, as is their love for Austin's current comedy renaissance.

If you missed the episode, this summary brings you the best jokes, stories, and insights—with all the chaos, heart, and humanity that make Kill Tony unique.

Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're

[Brian Redban]

listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify and

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

anywhere you get podcasts.

[Brian Redban]

Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe.

[Brian Redban]

You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redbick coming to you

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

live from the comedy Mothership here in

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it over. Tony Hitchcliff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, Ladies and gentlemen. Oh, yeah, and how about one more time for the best damn band in all of the land, The Kill Tony Band. Raul Vallejo. Fernando Castillo. Carlos Sosa.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Michael Gonzalez. Anachos Belgrande.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about a hand for the great Sean Greenberg all the way to the end playing guitar, one of the best in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, Marcus King is joining us. His brand new album, Darling Blue, available everywhere. Literally one of the best in the world. He just plays with us sometimes because not only is he a great musician,

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

he has a great sense of humor too. He's not like a one of these woke musicians out there just trying to pander to whatever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This motherfucker's gonna win Grammys and he's

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

gonna do it laughing all the way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The great John D's on the keys, as always, the man that puts it all together. The backbone, the Blackbone, if you will. And right here, live in the flesh. Truly the one and the only, the great and the powerful. That is D Madness right there. Holy shit, what a show we have for you. It is a very, very special night.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You're gonna find out second right now. Let's find out more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, well, well. It is truly a special one indeed because Red Band and I are celebrating five years of living in Austin, Texas. My, how the time has flown. Just a couple LA boys were living the dream. Had the Comedy Store by the fucking balls. We were running the joint. We could have done anything we wanted

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

and instead we took a chance on a crazy little fucking hip rock and

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

roll, awesome ass fucking city. And it all happened because of tonight's guest.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Now a lot of people get it twisted. They think, oh shit, you know, this guy owns the. He owns a comedy club, so it must be this guy. But the person that actually started this gangster shit wasn't Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan was convinced to move here by the one of the wisest fucking

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

sage comedians of all time. He's been basically everybody's favorite comedian since we were 12, 13, whatever, you name it. And he really started the Austin comedy scene. He was here first and he hangs out with us every fucking week. He's truly the man. On top of being one of the greatest comedians of all time. There's only one guest tonight, ladies and gentlemen. It is the undeniable goat, Ron White. Oh my God, Ron White, ladies and gentlemen. Make some fucking noise for the Silver Gold. Ron White, ladies and gentlemen.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

The. The ambassador of Austin, the Silver King. The Baron of what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know, I thought.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Welcome Ron White.

[Brian Redban]

So thank you very much.

[Ron White]

Thank you very much. Good to see you everybody. Marcus Godamn, right? The man light up your face. You walk in a room, see Marcus King. Old bands rocking and rolling as usual. Fun hang, good to be.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

We're so happy to have you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ron was a pivotal person in the show's wild success.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

When we moved to Austin, Ron would

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

step in and be a guest on

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

the show anytime we needed him. He was the bridge of us coming out of the LA pandemic, doing episodes in front of an empty main room at the Comedy Store. I mean we were just, it was unlistenable, the show because of lockdowns. There was nobody in the room. We had people doing minute long sets in an empty fucking room and we

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

had to pretend like it wasn't the most depressing thing ever. And we had to try to guess whether it was really funny or not. It was psychotic.

[Brian Redban]

They were sitting over on the side.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was all insane.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

The whole thing was crazy. And we came here and we fucking started doing real live shows in front of live audiences again. And it was a great era and Ron was there for us every step of the way and so thank you Ron, and welcome. Let's have some.

[Ron White]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. You know, I was a fan of the show back in, in la and the first time I saw it I thought, God, this kid is on to something, you know, I mean it just, it was such an interesting format. I just kind of believed in it and I really promoted Tony coming down here because he's fun to hang out with. So I'm like, yeah. We were put a full court press on Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We were having a lot of band.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And he showed me around, showed me all the music places, the bars, all

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

the chaos and we doing We've been doing Kill Tony absolutely forever. So you know how it works, Ron. Over 300 innocent souls are packed into a bar next door. If I pull their name out of this bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up. When you hear the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. I'm gonna let this. I'm gonna let this fucking poor, pale, vitamin D kneading fucking ghost still has

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

some of his Halloween makeup on.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

It appears.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pull the first name.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

And while we go wrangle that comedian, I'm going to bring up a man who famously is not a golden ticket winner.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's not a regular.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

He is his own special thing. Everybody has a different path. I used to bring this guy on stage because he started standup and I thought he was fun to drink with

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

and smoke with and have late nights with. And he was not that great at stand up when he started, but he was so funny off stage that I kept giving him spots. He famously gets better and better almost every single time we see him. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the long awaited return. A brand new minute kicking off the show from Uncle Laser, everybody.

[Uncle Laser]

Hey, my parents are divorced, if you couldn't tell. And if your parents are divorced, I really don't trust you to be honest. If you ain't never been dropped off in a Walmart parking lot on Christmas Eve in the back, right? Like a hostage negotiation situation or your mama got a flick a light at your daddy's car because they don't want to see each other in person just to go to your second Christmas. You don't know trauma. If you ain't ever seen your daddy pull your mom out of bar for drinking too much. You get in domestic dispute, put the clothes on the ground, you got to lie to the cops about who started the fight. You don't know loyalty. Listen, my mom and daddy split when I was 9, all right? My daddy is a straight lace, God fearing Christian. He goes to work tired, he comes home sore. Well, mama, well, she's retarded. They see my mom all of Metallica in the 80s. She's built for tough, you know, she actually had a landing strip when she gave birth to me. That's why I got this haircut. And I remember the first day they split. I remember when it happened. We was driving on I10. My mama got us lost. My daddy's arguing with her. My mom ain't much arguing. She wants to punch real Quick, right? And I got so scared that I swallowed a bunch of fucking lifesavers and I started choking to maybe bring them together as a team, you know, to maybe salvage their marriage. They divorced three weeks later. My name's Uncle Laser. Y' all been great. Thank y'.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

All.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uncle Laser. Ladies and gentlemen, getting it started tonight, not an easy spot.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Being the cold opener. And here you are working. Beats talking about your real life. Talking about your parents. Are you still. I know your mom. Your mom, she'll try and kiss you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your mom loves me, boy. Oh, does his mom love me.

[Uncle Laser]

Lettuce spaghetti.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You had to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You had to pull her off of me.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

That parking.

[Uncle Laser]

Hey, you know, let him get dressed.

[Ron White]

You know, saying.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

He's like, come on, mom, you're embarrassing me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And. And she's like, come on, let me

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

do what I want. That's where he gets his voice from.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's not from his dad. It's from his mom. How many packs of cigarettes you think she smokes a day?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Well, yeah, enough.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You get the picture. Everybody, if he's wonder if he's doing math over there, that tells the whole story.

[Uncle Laser]

She worked at Fredo Lay for 30 years.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, that's why she's dusty.

[Uncle Laser]

When she breastfed me, it tastes like Cheeto puffs. You know what I'm saying? So that's why.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Uncle Laser, tell us about your life. What's going on? Anything crazy.

[Uncle Laser]

You want to hear some?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, I just asked for it.

[Uncle Laser]

I beat the out of this boy after my show one night in Phoenix, and I want to tell you about it.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, let's talk.

[Uncle Laser]

So before I go any further, you might see me. And listen, if you got titties and you want me to sign them, I'll sign them. There's no sweat off my back. There's no sweat off my back. I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But red band. You want him to sign your tits? Not again.

[Uncle Laser]

But the other day, I posted real me signing this really attractive girl's titties. And I don't mind that. You know, sort of my brown. But she said, hey, I want to go to the after party with you after the show. This is the fifth show I've done. It was in Phoenix at the house comedy. And I was like, let me go get my check. And when I come back, they're at the bar and there's a guy in a wife beater, and he's calling her like a. A slut and a, like, loud.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Because you signed her.

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

No, no, no, no.

[Uncle Laser]

And. And I thought I was like, was that her boyfriend? And so I know. I asked her friend, is that her boyfriend? She goes, no, it's some rando that came up and tried to buy her a drink, and she didn't want the drink, and so he's calling her. I go, well, hey, you. I said, you can't talk to a woman like that. And he goes, what are you gonna do about it? I go, I'll bite your nose off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You could re.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You could reach his nose without a stool.

[Uncle Laser]

Okay, we knife.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, we're not.

[Uncle Laser]

You just have a hood.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, we're not. Don't make me stand up right now. All right. Oh, Michael, you son of a. We are not the same. You better take it back.

[Uncle Laser]

All right, I'm. I'm a half inch shorter, dude. I'm sorry, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Half an inch.

[Uncle Laser]

But old boys start getting loud, and they separate us. And old girl's like, hey, let's just go. Like, you already performed here. You got your check. You don't know me. Let's go. And so me and her and her friends, we walked out to her car. Well, we get almost to her car in the hair. Hey, I'll kill you. And he's, like, running up to. To us, and he barrels over those girls like her friends to get to me when I just popped him. But when I say I popped him, I completely missed. Yeah, like, I'm talking, like, you ever try to punch somebody in a dream and you're just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Uncle Laser]

And when he. When I miss, he grabbed my leg while I wrestled. And I do the 10th plan. And so, like, I like, fish nose that up in here. And I use his weight. And I mounted him. Now when I mounted him, I. I put my elbow in his throat. I was like, look, motherfucker.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Uncle Laser]

I could kill you. I could kill you. But I don't want to do that. I want to go try to. This girl. And you're fucking this up by screaming and hollering. Dumb, I said. And I punched him twice on the ground. That was for me, from missing the first time. And I like. I like, listen, I was.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I can kill you now, boy, right?

[Uncle Laser]

I said, but I want you to get up. I want you to say sorry. I want you get in your car now. Listen, Tony, I've been in the fights in my life. Got my ass beat enough. When you give up, you can feel it. When a man gives up, he just lets go.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Uncle Laser]

And he let go. And he looked up at me. I swear to God, he goes, I'm really sorry. Man, you had a great set tonight. Oh, and I that girl till the morning time. I've been like that since grade school, since father friendly hands and the boys taught me about colossusism, you know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, wow.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Chivalry ain't dead. Look at that.

[Colin Sledge]

Wow.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Ron White, what do you think about all this?

[Ron White]

You know what? I, I never, I never really got you, you know, I never did.

[Uncle Laser]

I didn't.

[Ron White]

And but to see you really turning into a comic, man, and talking about your life and getting laughs and set up and punchline, you know, that's really encouraging, man. I think that's great. It really is. So congratulations.

[Uncle Laser]

Thank you, buddy.

[Ron White]

Thank you, man.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Thanks.

[Ron White]

Great. That's all we can, that's all, all of it is going to move forward.

[Uncle Laser]

Five years ago, he was the second show I ever did. The second, like literally, swear to God.

[Ron White]

Yeah, yeah, seemed like it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But I was telling people on the

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

road this, this weekend in the car when we were in Salt Lake City, I was telling them, Uncle Laser took the ball and ran with it. He took the ticket draws that he could, went to every city headlined the small comedy clubs, went back to those city, got the medium comedy clubs and now you're doing the big comedy. You're just doing it, man. That's how you do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So keep doing it.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Uncle Laser got the show started tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And now we move to the bread and butter of the show, the bucket, where we meet people sometimes for the very first time. Anything can happen. They can embarrass themselves and it can end up terrible. They can literally make it out of this bucket. Last week we crowned a brand new regular who you're going to meet later on in this show. So he's going to be rich for the rest of his life. That's what can happen on this show. So 60 seconds uninterrupted and then an interview. Going to your first bucket pull of the night, it is Cameron Ilig, ladies and gentlemen. Cameron Ilig.

[Cameron Ilig]

Oh man, I want kids. I mean my own, I want my own kids. I want my own. I don't want to just go look around for them. I want my own kids. I want a son. I want a son. I just don't want to have one of those sons that takes his pants all the way down at the urinal. Like that's my biggest fear. Every man in here has been sexually harassed by a six year old at some point at the urinal, because you'll be at the urinal, you'll be Right there, stanced up, midstream. Some kid comes up next to you, gets completely naked, and now you're three feet away from a felony. Just all of a sudden you're midstream. You can't stop, you have a bad prostate, you're stuck. And then if someone else comes into the bathroom, you gotta be like, I do not know that fucking kid. I swear to God. He came onto me. Look what he's wearing. You know, like. And then you have to explain why your pants are down also. And it just gets, just. I never learned, you know, that's why. Me, personally, I'm all for only stall men's restrooms. I am only stalls. That way you get your own private kid, you know, like, that's. That's what I want. All right, thanks, guys.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Cameron Ilig.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We know you, Cam.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You moved here with your friend, Cam Patterson. Yeah, Yep.

[Cameron Ilig]

He keeps following me. He's what name? Keeps following me around.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah, yeah, you guys were the two Cams. One is now a star. And here you are signing up, talking about basically molesting children in private bathroom stalls.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's on Saturday Night Live. And you're literally talking about little kids penises.

[Colin Sledge]

I am.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's perfect. You're amazing. You're adorable.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You look like one of Santa's elves tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's absolutely an adorable red and green flannel you have.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Welcome back, Cameron.

[Colin Sledge]

Good to be here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How's stand up been going for you?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

How long you been doing it now?

[Cameron Ilig]

Four years.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Four years. So tell us, how's it going? You're here in Austin?

[Cameron Ilig]

I think I gave it the college try. I think this is my graduation. I'm done.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You failed?

[Colin Sledge]

Yeah. Thank you.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

How's life? What do you do? What do you do for work, Cameron?

[Cameron Ilig]

Now I just work from home, remote sales. But there's a guy that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's a guy that totally was positive you worked in remote sales from home. He's so excited about it, he couldn't control himself. That guy's head just fucking exploded in the middle of the room. For those of you watching or perhaps just listening to the podcast, it is unbelievable.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

He goes, oh, I fucking knew it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

His head exploded. There's people covered in blood in row 15. Mid row 15.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Cameron, why do you think it is that people, when they see you, are positive that you work in remote sales from home?

[Cameron Ilig]

I figured I have permanent door to door sales face like solar panels. I almost did a minute about solar panels, but not remote sales. You know, I think I have the face for in person how long have

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

you been selling remotes? I. Oh, all right. What are you selling remotely?

[Cameron Ilig]

Just software. Some.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Wow. It gets even worse. Just gets more boring. I was hoping it was like, you know, powerful dildos or something like that, but no, it's just software. Craziest thing that's happened to you while on a sales call.

[Cameron Ilig]

I mentioned 911 on accident.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh, tell us about that.

[Cameron Ilig]

I didn't mention 9 11. He said, so the deal's going on at 9 11. And then I laughed and he said, 911 is the close date. And I went, yeah, that's the craziest thing. It doesn't go crazy.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Cameron, what's your love life like right now? You seem to be a good looking guy that. That seems to have a little bit of a serial killer vibe to him. Tell us what? How's your love life going?

[Cameron Ilig]

I don't have one right now.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Really?

[Cameron Ilig]

Yeah, just chilling.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What's the last date you went on? What was that like?

[Cameron Ilig]

I just got out of a relationship, so that's the date a while ago.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What's a while to you?

[Cameron Ilig]

Like five months.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay. How long was that relationship?

[Cameron Ilig]

Like a year and a half.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

And why did it end?

[Cameron Ilig]

No reason, just amicable.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Did you kill her?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Do you mean no reason a year

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

and a half long relationship? There kind of has to be a reason.

[Cameron Ilig]

We went on a trip in a caravan and I just ditched the caravan in a ditch somewhere.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You ditched her on vacation?

[Cameron Ilig]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay, where was this vacation at? Where did you go on this caravan vacation?

[Cameron Ilig]

No, it was just a thing. It was a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's getting more suspicious with every answer, Brian.

[Cameron Ilig]

Laundry dude. He killed his girlfriend or something.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay, you're making a joke about that.

[Cameron Ilig]

Yes.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay, so why did the relationship really end?

[Cameron Ilig]

They really ended for no reason. It was amicable and then I stabbed her 10 times in the back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Cameron.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Cameron.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you haven't been on a date

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

since this relationship ended?

[Dedrick Flynn]

No.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Why not? I don't know. You know, you're clearly not focused on your material and performing. Like what are you doing in lieu of the being in love?

[Cameron Ilig]

I just don't do the dating apps. I don't like the hinge. I don't like that.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

So what are you waiting like, how are you gonna meet somebody,

[Henry J]

huh?

[Ron White]

After that wild pitch for Love

[Cameron Ilig]

Supermarket, I imagine.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Ron, what do you think about this young buck? What do you think?

[Ron White]

I don't, you know, so four years of doing sets and. And I know that was a brand new minute and you have to do that when you come out here. Right. So that's all brand new stuff. Yeah, it was horrible. I wasn't horrible. But, you know, I don't even know what kind of advice to give you, except for four years isn't very much, you know, for you're still very, very new in the business, so, you know, I don't think I'd give up tonight, you know, I think you got some potential.

[Cameron Ilig]

Thanks.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

It's true, coming out with Cam could get in your head a little bit, you know, watching his wild success, but he's just a different type of beast. Does that ever affect you? Knowing that you came out with a guy that literally, completely made it

[Brian Redban]

the

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

exact same time span that you could have?

[Cameron Ilig]

No, I can only be more. I can't be more proud.

[Tomek Kolecki]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You guys are still friends?

[Cameron Ilig]

We're still friends. Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You talk to him? You communicate with them?

[Cameron Ilig]

Yeah.

[Luke Rayboul]

He texts you back?

[Cameron Ilig]

He calls me.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Whoa.

[Tomek Kolecki]

Yeah.

[Cameron Ilig]

FaceTime.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Wow, look at that. That's your biggest credit right now, Cameron. FaceTime with Cam Patterson. Yeah, fun times. You already have a big joke book, right? Is it filled up?

[Cameron Ilig]

Oh, yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay, here's another one. There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cameron Illick, ladies and gentlemen.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Boom. On to the next one we go. Cameron could have pulled a glass of water out of the. Oh, my goodness. There she is, ladies and gentlemen, the one and only. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? Her new podcast, Love on the Line, coming comes out on Tuesdays heidy regina.com.

[Brian Redban]

she.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think she might be signing some posters after the show in the lobby so you can meet the actual Heidi. Your next comedian is one of my favorite door guys here at the mothership. I'm so happy he got pulled out of the bucket. A very funny man makes some noise for the one and only Fuzzy, everybody. Here comes Fuz.

[Fuzzy]

Yeah, I wasn't supposed to be here, but the Last comic said 9, 11, 3 times, so. I am from Pakistan. It's tough, bro. Middle Eastern men get no pussy. This is true. There was a study done. Middle Eastern men get the least pussy in America. There was a study done. A guy followed me around with a clipboard for a few days. This kid's got no motion. That's why I'm pro arranged marriage. That shit works. The problem is the game has changed. Back in the day, it was simple. All you needed was a goat. That seems like a bad deal, right? Who would do that? A goat for a beautiful new Muslim bride. What a bad trait. But put yourself in the groom's perspective. He's just Meeting this woman. He's been fucking that goat for years, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Absolutely perfect. That's how it's done. Fuzzy. Working beats on the room. Bing, bang, boom, left, left, right. Hitting all the punches. Unlike Uncle Laser.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

After a show in Phoenix. Absolutely nailing it. Welcome, Fuzzy. One of my favorite door guys. One of my favorite faces to see.

[Fuzzy]

Thank you, Tony. It's good to see you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We love. Me and Fuzzy love each other. We have a hell of a relationship with that. We really do.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

We really do. You're my favorite. Well, you're my second favorite Middle Easterner is Hasan.

[Fuzzy]

Middle Eastern by technicality, but Indian, he's like faking it.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah, it's all the same. You guys could both play in a movie about Saddam Hussein or something. Fuzzy, how's life going?

[Fuzzy]

Life's amazing, Tony. I feel great. I feel like a million bucks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Amazing. You look like 20 bucks.

[Fuzzy]

Well, 20 never hurt nobody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. That's right, Fuzz. So tell us about life.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What are you up to? What's your living situation? Tell the people what it's like. You've been in Austin for how long?

[Fuzzy]

Almost five years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you came from Wisconsin and here you are.

[Fuzzy]

Oh, great. We got some alcoholic retards in here. That's awesome. Yeah, perfect.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go Pac, guys. Yeah. Some cheese eating chuds in here.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

That's what we got. So tell us about your life, Fuzz.

[Fuzzy]

Life's amazing. I've got a 330 square foot studio on the east side, East 5th Street. I'm the king of that little two block radius right there. I say everything the light touches. That's Tony. He's the king. Oh, that little two blocks on East 5th. You don't want to go there.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

That's your hood.

[Fuzzy]

I'm the king over there.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Wow, look at that. How far east? Is it pretty?

[Fuzzy]

It's far.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is it the Middle East?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

It's about the Middle East.

[Fuzzy]

It's far. It's over there.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah, I love it. Fuzz, tell us about your neighborhood. What do you love about your neighborhood?

[Fuzzy]

Coffee shops.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, yeah.

[Fuzzy]

Coffee shops.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Uncle Laser]

Whole Foods.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, Target. Let's go.

[Fuzzy]

Sexy women. Ooh, yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Hell yeah.

[Fuzzy]

Keeps you in check.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Absolutely.

[Fuzzy]

Having hot girls around.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What do you like to do when you see a sexy woman?

[Fuzzy]

You are so sexy. You are most beautiful princess.

[Brian Redban]

Is this the same place that you talked about last time you were on the show? Or like, you. You had this whole thing about where you lived and it was like really horrible.

[Fuzzy]

Oh, no. Yeah. Thank God I'm not.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You moved.

[Fuzzy]

Yeah, I Moved. There was a lot of Mexicans over there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wow, wow, wow. I love racism. Amazing.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What is it about the Mexicans that you don't like?

[Fuzzy]

I do like Mexicans. I just don't like living around them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's. You know what?

[Fuzzy]

That's fair.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think everyone here could agree with that, even the Mexicans. I see Michael agrees completely.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

He wants to live near the whites.

[Fuzzy]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So this new neighborhood, is it. Is it.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Is it a lot of whites, blacks? What are we talking about?

[Fuzzy]

It's a lot of whites.

[Jose Ayala]

Wow.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

It's a lot of white.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah, we love that.

[Fuzzy]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whole Foods is just cool.

[Fuzzy]

Oh, it's awesome, dude. I go there. I steal food all the time from that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What type of food do you steal?

[Fuzzy]

Mashed potato.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's your process?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

So teach these people how to steal from whole food.

[Fuzzy]

Whole foods. So it's easy, dude. This is all you got to do. You got to walk in there. Don't go straight to the hot bar.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got to throw them off your trail.

[Fuzzy]

Off the trail. Yeah, exactly. You go to the deli. You don't get anything that It's Whole Foods. Expensive as, you know. So you go to the deli, then you make a few more rounds. You go, oh, I guess I could use some paper towels. You get one extra thing. You get one extra thing, and then you go to the hot bar, you load it up, and you load it all up onto the right side. So here's the box, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Fuzzy]

So there's a box.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah.

[Fuzzy]

And you put it all on the right side of that fucking thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Fuzzy]

And then when you go and weigh it, you. You kind of. Oh, shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, shit.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, my God.

[Fuzzy]

Yeah. And you teeter it off to the side.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, my.

[Fuzzy]

And it's like. So there's no weight on the actual sensor. It comes out to, like, $2 every time. It's like $20 worth of food.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Unbelievable.

[Fuzzy]

Yeah. So I'm stealing from the hot bar.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Wow. 100% Pakistani, 50% Jewish. It's amazing. It's going to Whole Foods and paying half price. This kid is unbelievable.

[Fuzzy]

All mashed potatoes.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

All mashed potatoes. You're on a mashed potato diet right now?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Was this recommended by a doctor or something?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is he telling you you need more mashed potatoes?

[Fuzzy]

I just love him, man.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You love mashed potatoes.

[Fuzzy]

They used to, actually. At this old grocery store in my hometown, Wisconsin, they called me the mashed potato man.

[Jose Ayala]

Wow.

[Ron White]

Me too.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Wow.

[Fuzzy]

Yeah. Because I would go and I would go to the hot bar kind of do the same operation. I've been pulling this trick for years, but it doesn't matter if it's Whole Foods or anywhere them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And

[Fuzzy]

my roommate was the dairy manager at this grocery store. So I would go in there, I'd get hot mashed potatoes every day. But he's always in the back by the milk, you know, like a fucking true white guy.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah.

[Fuzzy]

And one day he's out in the front of the store and I'm getting mashed potatoes. Oh, yo, what's up Zach? And his co worker goes to him, goes, you know the mashed potato man?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Fuzzy]

And he goes, I fucking live with him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's my roommate.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Wow, that is amazing. Now do you ever do instant mashed potatoes out of the box? Do you ever make your own or are you just straight up stealing pre made mashed potatoes?

[Fuzzy]

I'm always trying to get the hot food mashed potatoes if I can. But if I'm real down bad, I'll do instant. I've never made them. I didn't even know you could skin on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's a way to do it.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Let's go to our chief instant mashed

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

potato correspondent, Brian Redban here. Who do you tell by his everything has been surviving off of box mashed potatoes for decades.

[Brian Redban]

Do you like it skin on? Do you like it chunky? What kind of mashed potatoes you like?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Great question.

[Fuzzy]

That is a very good question.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Do you mix butter in with your mashed potatoes? Are you a sour cream and bacon bits guy? What are we talking about? Chives?

[Fuzzy]

No bacon. No bacon.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No bacon?

[Fuzzy]

Can you guys believe I got this fat without eating bacon? Come on.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Now we're gonna check in with the our chief bacon correspondent, Brian Redband.

[Brian Redban]

Where he's from, cow is a God.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Right?

[Brian Redban]

So you can't eat the bacon. Is that why?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think Brian has it confused.

[Fuzzy]

Got it a little confused and that's okay. Can we get a sonomat up?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, please. It's not our chief global culture correspondent. He's just in charge of bacon and mashed potatoes.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Gets a little tricky, but how do you like your perfect mashed potato before I let you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is the longest interview about mashed potatoes in the history of the show. It's a record setting.

[Fuzzy]

If I'm at a nice place, nice steakhouse, put some skin on that.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Whoa.

[Fuzzy]

Put some red skin. Can you say that anymore? Put some. Put some Washington football team mashed potatoes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuzzy. You're absolutely killing it. I would love to have you on

[Brian Redban]

the secret show with you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just got booked on a real show. There's a real joke bug Ryan.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Hey, you got anything you want to say?

[Ron White]

One thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on.

[Ron White]

Can I say one thing?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah. Ron White.

[Ron White]

I've got. One of the fun things about working this club is you get to watch these guys come and mature and grow as comics, and you're doing a fucking great job. And I'd like. I got the 7 o' clock show tomorrow. You want to come do it with me?

[Fuzzy]

I'd love to.

[Tomek Kolecki]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Opening the fat man of the mothership tomorrow night. You just watched a young man book two spots on a Tuesday and a Thursday from trying to sign up on a Monday here in Austin, Texas.

[Fuzzy]

I love you, Austin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's people saying that if you want to make it, there's idiots in LA and New York like, yeah, it's just trans jokes in Austin. It's like, that's nine minutes on mashed potatoes right there. These people are so full of a bunch of conspiracy theories about Austin. We're like, tell us more about mashed potatoes.

[Ron White]

Anyway.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, mashed potatoes kind of are the trans potatoes. If you think about it, like, they started as one thing and ended up being all mushy. And anyway, sometimes there's bacon, sometimes there's sour cream. Okie dokie. All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Looks like it could be a familiar name.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's see what happens. Make some noise for Jesse Vasquez, everybody. Jesse Vasquez.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Jesse, what's going on?

[Jesse Vasquez]

Kill Tony. What's going on? All right, I want to say something to bring the crowd together real quick. The stars at night are big and bright. All right, I appreciate that. Was a little weak, but I appreciate it, guys. I feel like if Texas was. If Texas needed an enema, we'd stick it in Houston. All right, what's going on, guys? I'm the guy that says, all right, all right, all right. A lot. I get told I have a crazy face. I feel like I get told I look like I want to kill people a lot. And I feel like that comes in handy. That came in handy when I was in prison because I feel like the last thing you want to look like in prison is approachable. Okay, where are we gonna go with this next one? All right, black people.

[Tomek Kolecki]

All right.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What do.

[Tomek Kolecki]

What is.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Okay. I mean, it's gonna get worse. What is a blind person and a black person have in common? They both never seen their father. All right, why was it there any black people on Epstein Island? The Carnival Cruise Line didn't stop there. Did I get the meow? Yes, I'm good.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Tony, Jesse Vasquez is back. Welcome back, Jesse. How's it going, Jesse? How do you feel like that went?

[Jesse Vasquez]

I'm just say, okay, Tony.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

At 13 seconds, you started material. At 23 seconds, you said, okay, let's go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good to be here.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Something like that. You reset again.

[Ron White]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

And. And then when all else failed at 45 seconds, you just did two quick racist jokes that barely really qualify as jokes, but they were something. How. How are they going at the open mics? You working out a lot?

[Jesse Vasquez]

I'm trying to get better, Tony. Yes, sir.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

So how often are you performing during the week?

[Jesse Vasquez]

I've been trying to get up at least three, four times a week, Tony.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You don't have to say my name for every answer. And you work the door. You're a door guy at there. The Dizzy Rooster. Are you working tonight?

[Jesse Vasquez]

I just got off work.

[Jose Ayala]

Yes, sir.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay. All right. And remind, how long ago were you on the show? Seems recent.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Last month, Tony.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck.

[Tomek Kolecki]

I did it again.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

All right. And how has life changed for you since last month, Jesse? Tell us something crazy about your life, Jesse. You're on a live podcast right now.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Well, I got recognized a couple of times when I've worked at acl. That's about it. It was pretty fun, but, like, mostly it's. The nerves are gone.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Dude, you're less nervous now.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Oh, yeah. I got booed by all you guys the last time I was up here. 10 seconds. 10 seconds into my set. So, yeah, that helped a lot.

[Tomek Kolecki]

That's.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

It's crazy to think that this set

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

was a massive improvement from whatever happened last time.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is amazing.

[Tomek Kolecki]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Let's check in with the king of Texas, the great Ronald White.

[Ron White]

I would recommend that if you have 60 seconds, that you don't start off with a song because it looks like you're trying to kill time when you have no time to kill.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Got it.

[Ron White]

Just come out and do the first joke, man. Just come out and do it. And whether it sucks or not, you know, at least we don't have to sing that song.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Yes, sir.

[Ron White]

There's no audience participation. We don't feel like we were part of it. So we. But anyway, I just. Just come out, do the jokes.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Yes, sir.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

No doubt about it. That's perfect advice. Anybody listening should absolutely take that advice. There's only certain kind of people that

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

want to almost settle down the crowd

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

that can say, how you doing, Austin? People that don't know you. You know we did that. This show's been going on for about 35 minutes now. So you being like, are you guys ready to party? Like, we've already been doing it.

[Cameron Ilig]

Got it.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Last time. I'm guessing you got a little joke book.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Yes, sir.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Well, there you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go fill it up, Jesse. Go fill it up. We're gonna keep it moving along here. Short interview for Jesse. Four minute long interview for Jesse. Eight minutes on mashed Potatoes for Fuzzy. That's how crazy this show is. Anything can happen. If you seem absolutely boring, you're gone. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a golden ticket winner here ready to make a long awaited return. Make some noise for a brand new minute from Colin Sledge. Everybody make some noise for Colin.

[Colin Sledge]

Thank you. So I moved to Austin. I'm a little worried about fitting in. You know, I went to my. I went to my first show and this guy in the green one was going on like, you know, when I'm on stage, man, that's the real me. And then he went up and did seven minutes of rape jokes. It was me. You know, now that I'm an Austin comic, I've been working on my Tony impression.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable.

[Colin Sledge]

Incredible. Who's ready for the best fucking blowjob of their lives? Pew. Sorry. Thank you.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

No.

[Colin Sledge]

I owe Tony so much. I owe the show so much. It's the best thing that ever happened to me. Thank you. Wait. Tony's like a father to me, you know, because just like my dad, he's always calling me a gay retard.

[Ron White]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Colin Sledge. Indeed, a gay retard. Welcome, Colin.

[Colin Sledge]

Hi. Thank you.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

How are you? How's it going?

[Colin Sledge]

I'm a little nervous, but I feel okay.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I love it. I love it. You dressed up like this for this spot to do that Austin joke?

[Colin Sledge]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You did fake tattoos and everything?

[Cameron Ilig]

Yes.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Wow, that's amazing.

[Colin Sledge]

Yeah, that's why I texted you earlier in the day. I was like. It's like, yeah, I gotta figure out now because I have to put them on.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah, yeah. Incredible the work that you put in for this set.

[Colin Sledge]

Thank you.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

A phoned in impression of me and tattoo. Fake tattoos.

[Uncle Laser]

Good.

[Colin Sledge]

And the chains.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What? And the chains.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, and the vape pen. A shaky vape pen. Oh, he's coughing. Oh, sorry. Really?

[Colin Sledge]

That's my girlfriend, so I didn't.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I love it.

[Colin Sledge]

I didn't know it would hit that hard.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You're doing a good job. How long you been with your girlfriend, Colin?

[Colin Sledge]

It was around the time I first got on the show. So, like seven months.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay.

[Colin Sledge]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What does she do?

[Colin Sledge]

She runs shows in Houston and hopefully in Austin soon. We're sort of.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You're trying to get her. Did you. You move down here?

[Colin Sledge]

Yes, we both moved down here.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You both moved down here? So she has to go up to do shows in Houston?

[Cameron Ilig]

Oh, well.

[Colin Sledge]

Yeah, she won Sunday shows in Houston, so we'll go back on Sundays.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You guys go together? Yeah. You make the drive. Do you stop at BUC EE's every time you.

[Colin Sledge]

Sometimes.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What do you get from Buc EE's?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Colin?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You drive by. You're able to drive by a Buc EE's without just a quick stop or anything?

[Colin Sledge]

Yeah, I'm. I mean, yeah, I'm not.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Are you from Texas? Yeah, born and raised.

[Colin Sledge]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

And you just take it for granted?

[Colin Sledge]

Yes, I do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

See, we can't do that.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

We literally. If you're not. If you weren't born and raised here, you literally can't drive by it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No matter what time of the night.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

No matter what time of the day you guys. You guys just drive by it, huh?

[Colin Sledge]

We usually don't stop.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Crazy.

[Colin Sledge]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

This lady just married a new man because she was excited about all this talk about Bucky. She just moved seats from one guy to another. She wants to get closer to a man that has the balls to drive by a Buc ee's. What do you. What do you get when you go to BUC EE's?

[Colin Sledge]

I get the espresso beans. The chocolate covered espresso beans.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. You really are a gay retard, Colin. The chocolate covered espresso beans.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

My goodness.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's also my nickname for John Dee's, everybody. Chocolate covered espresso beans.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Chocolate on the outside, chocolate on the inside. If you could describe your love for chocolate covered espresso beans, how would you describe it?

[Colin Sledge]

Fleeting.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Fleeting.

[Colin Sledge]

Yeah. It's more just to stay awake and, you know, it's like $1 to stay awake, you know?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

That's good. Wow. Unbelievable. D Madness is literally going to take

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

a nap right now. Ron White, you are the baron of Buc EE's. I think I popped into a Buc

[Ron White]

EE's on Saturday night coming back from my niece's birthday party.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Hell yeah. Let's go. What the hell does the king Ron White get at a Buc ee's?

[Ron White]

The brisket sandwich. And it rock. I gotta tell you.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

No doubt about it. Was that it just a brisket?

[Ron White]

The last time I went to Buc Ees, I saw. What's that kid's name? That's on to kill Tony Enrique.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Ron White]

He was at the cash register when

[Brian Redban]

I went up there.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Hey, what's up?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wrong way.

[Ron White]

He did.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Hey, you got a brisket sandwich, dude? What do you want?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A bottle of water?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Something do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on, man.

[Ron White]

I'm a lesbian.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I look like a. Everyone think I'm a lesbian.

[Tomek Kolecki]

And oil.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Was he sweating? Do you remember? Was he sweating at Buc EE's too?

[Ron White]

Or is just coming off of him like a waterfall. Crazy. Just over the cash register.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is amazing. It is amazing.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I call him a wet front. What's your order at Buc EE's? Red Band. What do you get excited about? You're more of a sweets guy. Let's.

[Brian Redban]

No, no, actually, the. The Philly. Oh, yeah, the burrito.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, the Texas cheesesteak burrito.

[Brian Redban]

Cheesesteak burrito is my favorite. And also they're beef jerky.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I love their unbelievable beef jerky there me, no joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I know this is on brand

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

for Tony Hinchcliffe, but I love the hot nuts there at BUC EE's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is absolutely incredible. I get a little baguette of every kind.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I get a cashews. I get a pecans, the whole thing. And I shove these nuts in my mouth. Oh, God, I love it so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It brings me so much joy.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I'm really not a big nuts guy anywhere else but Bucky's Warm nuts.

[Brian Redban]

Definitely not a beaver nuts guy, huh?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

The. You talking about the beaver nuggets?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

That's your thing, right?

[Brian Redban]

I like beaver nuggets.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You love beaver nuggets.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Red band eats a lot of sweets at night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's on blood pressure medication, ladies and gentlemen. It's called blood pressure medication. It causes him to have a dry cough. It's one of the side effects. I finally figured out why I got this goddamn dry cough.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Turns out someone told me it's a blood pressure medication.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

These are the talks we have in the green room before the show.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

A little behind the kill for you.

[William Montgomery]

Yikes.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You're still here? Dude, what the going on up here? What the are you still doing here? Colin?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's get him out of here. You should do. You should do what you were talking

[Brian Redban]

to me earlier about what? You said do what? You were talking to me.

[Colin Sledge]

Oh, my, my. Oh, can someone bring me my pants, please?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, you have a pants delivery coming here. Is this a plan thing calling?

[Colin Sledge]

Yeah, there's a. There's a letter in my.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, look at that. Oh, my goodness.

[Colin Sledge]

My dad gave you a letter of

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

thank you note Your dad wrote me

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

a thank you note.

[Colin Sledge]

Yes.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay. All right.

[Henry J]

This is cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Great live podcasting.

[Ron White]

I thought he wrote me one for a second. I'm like, what the fuck, dude? I don't even know your dad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a cat stepping on a piano. And it says, dear Tony, thank you

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

so much for the role you played

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

in shaming Colin into getting his own place. Ten years ago, I built a garage

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

guest house in the backyard for guests.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Colin moved into it the day it was completed and has been there ever since. Parentheses, 10 years, exclamation point. So I intend to have a guest stay there very soon.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Exclamation point. Thank you again. RM Sledge, parentheses, Collins, dad, parentheses, come to Houston sometime and join me for homemade shrimp crab gumbo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, fuck, yeah. That sounds great. That sounds amazing.

[Colin Sledge]

He's from Louisiana.

[Tomek Kolecki]

Oh, that's.

[Fuzzy]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, God, that sounds great. I love some Louisiana shrimp crab gumbo.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Thank you, RM Sledge, for this amazing note, and thank you, Colin. Another new minute. Congratulations.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A very experimental minute from Colin. Sledge, everybody. That's what the golden ticket winners get to do. They do good enough. They get to sometimes just do localized

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

jokes with fake tattoos.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We found them all out of the bucket. Anything can happen.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You guys still having fun out there?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some noise for your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. They go by the name of Tomek Kolecki, everybody. Tomek Koleki. Hi.

[Tomek Kolecki]

Hello, Austin. And hello, America. Hi, I'm Tomek Kowecki. I'm from Poland. At the beginning, I have to tell you, I don't live in America. I'm just a tourist, arrived to this country one month ago. So sorry for my English. Sometimes you're not going to understand me. Sometimes I can mispronounce something. But you have to remember, I'm very funny in Polish. So please remember this in case of disaster. Okay, So a little bit about Poland. If you don't know where Poland is, it's between Germany and Russia. How peaceful, right? You know, imagine that you live in America between Detroit and Detroit. You know, kind of like this, you know, don't laugh. I don't have time. One more joke. So how can I explain Poland to you guys? It's a European shithole. It really is, right? If I had to compare, imagine that Europe is like America, and every country in Europe is like states in America, right? So in this scenario, Poland would be Oklahoma, which is shithole, but at least we are not Louisiana, you know? Thank you very much.

[Ron White]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Will you look at that, ladies and gentlemen? Most likely what I would call the set of the night so far going to Tomek.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Koleki. Kowetzki.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Kowetzki.

[Tomek Kolecki]

It's very Polish.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Polish is a wild, wild language. It is J's and Y's and things mean different things.

[Tomek Kolecki]

I have letters in my last name that not even in your Alphabet. So I. I understand. It's tough.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Kowetzki. Yeah. All right, so let's talk about it. You're born and raised in Poland.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

And how long have you been in America?

[Tomek Kolecki]

One month.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One month?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Hell yeah. And you have all these localized jokes and references all figured out already.

[Tomek Kolecki]

I did my research. Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

So you must destroy in Poland. Am I correct?

[Tomek Kolecki]

Yeah, I try to.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Are you one of the most popular comedians in Poland?

[Tomek Kolecki]

I wouldn't say I'm in the top 10, but in the top 20 to.

[Ron White]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay. That's a good place to be between 10 and 20 in Poland.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's very good and very honest answer. I like that

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

you're not like Ari

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Maddie going, yes, I'm number one in Estonia. I'm number one. There is.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

The number two is forever away.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're very honest.

[Tomek Kolecki]

How many comedians for Estonia is Delaware, you know, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Estonia is very small.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And Ari really is the number one.

[Brian Redban]

How many comedians are in Poland, though? Is there a lot of big comedy community there?

[Tomek Kolecki]

Yeah, there is. Like, obviously not as big as in America, but I guess, like. I know, couple hundreds. Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah. So tell us more. What did. What surprised you about America when you got here a month ago?

[Tomek Kolecki]

Yeah, like, crazy thing happened to me last week. I went. First time in America, I went shooting, right?

[Colin Sledge]

Yeah.

[Tomek Kolecki]

But I was a little bit disappointed because they took me to shooting range, not to school.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, you son of a. I was

[Tomek Kolecki]

hoping for the full America experience, you know, and we shoot guns safely. Un American, you know.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Amazing.

[Tomek Kolecki]

Un American to shoot guns safely.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Can you imagine they shoot guns in Poland? You got guns in Poland or is

[Tomek Kolecki]

that not so much?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

No, they got rid of them.

[Tomek Kolecki]

Never existed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They never existed. Wow.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No wonder Germany just treated you like a nephew, huh?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're taking over.

[Tomek Kolecki]

You're done ending with the knives.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. That doesn't work against tanks.

[Ron White]

Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Germany, pretty. Germany just took you over like your Colin Sledge's dad's guest house.

[Ron White]

Yeah.

[Tomek Kolecki]

And then Russia from another side. You know, it's pure bukaka.

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

Like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you guys are getting shot every direction.

[Tomek Kolecki]

Just very tough history.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Absolutely amazing. Now, how long ago did you start standup comedy in Poland?

[Tomek Kolecki]

12 years ago.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Perfect. Amazing.

[Tomek Kolecki]

Yeah, I was 16 at the time.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What made you want to start stand up? Did you see something as a kid? What was it?

[Tomek Kolecki]

Yeah, when I started Robin Williams.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I love it. Aa.

[Tomek Kolecki]

To be honest, first special I ever saw was Eddie Murphy Delirious.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, that'll do it.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Hell, yeah.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah.

[Tomek Kolecki]

It was first found on Polish YouTube with Polish subtitles. So this is the reason I was 13 at the time and I started doing open mics when I was 16.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Wow, that's amazing. Now you saw Eddie Murphy. Do they have black guys in Poland?

[Tomek Kolecki]

Not so much, but I have explanation.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Like, can you book me a flight to Poland real quick? Okay. What's the explanation?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why there's no blacks?

[Tomek Kolecki]

We love black people. We just don't have a lot of black people. Why? Because we never had slavery, so we never forced anybody to come.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You think that's all they do? You think that's all there?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You think that's all they're like, nobody kind.

[Tomek Kolecki]

Like, we invite you, but nobody. Why the you want to come to European Oklahoma?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, like, that's true.

[Tomek Kolecki]

For what. What you gonna achieve there?

[Uncle Laser]

You know?

[Tomek Kolecki]

But feel welcome to come. Feel welcome. We have. We have three black person right now.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What are their names?

[Tomek Kolecki]

Yeah. The thing is, like, if you are too weak to play for America basketball team, then you go to Poland and play for Poland basketball team. So we have black guys or our team that cannot even speak Polish.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Right.

[Tomek Kolecki]

But we love them free after free, you know? Yeah, Heroes. Yeah, Heroes.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah.

[Tomek Kolecki]

And the main guy, you're not gonna like it maybe, but I gotta try it. Like the main guy, he has the most blackest name you can think of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, let's hear it.

[Ron White]

Lufthansa.

[Tomek Kolecki]

Oh, his name is. It's real thing. I didn't make it up. His name. Jordan. Floyd.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jordan Floyd. Oh, my goodness. What's his cardio like? Jordan.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Or is he more Floyd?

[Tomek Kolecki]

He's more Jordan for sure. He can breathe and stuff like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Very good.

[Tomek Kolecki]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go.

[Tomek Kolecki]

National hero.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Took the ball and ran with it there. Very good. I like your style.

[Tomek Kolecki]

Make it up. It's just the real thing. Actually, if I would make it up, it would be racist. But it's a true thing also.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah. And those black basketball players have bigger

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Poles than the polls do. Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

See what I did there? That's a giant penis joke. Tomek.

[Tomek Kolecki]

I cannot do metrical system in America, so I don't know how long my penis is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perfect. Perfect.

[Tomek Kolecki]

I would say a foot of a midget.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like a foot of A midget, A foot of a me double E, M,

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

E, E G I, T, me jit. I love it. So, Tomac, have you ever had, like a real job? What do you do when you're working in Poland? How do you make money? You just do comedy.

[Tomek Kolecki]

I am a pro comedian since I was 19, so, yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Wow.

[Tomek Kolecki]

Yeah. Like in Poland, every comedian need to work like Louis CK every special new year, because after one year, everybody saw your stuff. Right, right. So I'm 28. I already have seven specials because of this, you know, so we work really hard there.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

So you guys do have a great work ethic. I am friends with literally UFC hall of Famer multiple time. I mean, literally one of the. I would say the greatest female fighter of all time. Joanna Yen Jayczek.

[Tomek Kolecki]

Very good pronunciation.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah. Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yes.

[Tomek Kolecki]

She did a comedy with us.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yes, she tried it out. How was that at the beginning?

[Tomek Kolecki]

Tough, because we do was like a stadium tours, right? So imagine you never do it comedy and then you go 10, 000 people Stadium to do comedy. Right?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah.

[Tomek Kolecki]

So this was her beginning of step comedy, but after a couple of shows, she nailed it. Yeah, after a couple of shows. First shows a little bit tough, but after a couple shows, she fucking nailed it.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah, yeah. And you're friends with Joanna?

[Tomek Kolecki]

Yeah, yeah, I know her. We do a comedy tour in Poland when we invite celebrities to do comedy with us, but they have to go on stadiums without knowing how to do it, you know, so it's really fun experience for them and for us as well, because, yeah, we better.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's the best. One of the sweetest ladies on planet Earth. Ronda Rousey got a lot of hype.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

She's like, you know, American famous. But anybody that knows fighting knows Joanna

[Tomek Kolecki]

is actually the national treasure as well.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah, no doubt. Most punches ever thrown in a fight is her against Zelly Wang, Right?

[Tomek Kolecki]

Yeah. Chinese girl.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yes, Chinese Girl.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And it's the craziest, craziest fight of all time.

[Tomek Kolecki]

Chinese Girl.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They are nothing but trouble.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Tomek, anything else crazy we should know about you? I find you so interesting. You are truly. And it goes to show, you know Eddie Murphy, who you first saw, I believe he started at either 14 or 15, you starting at 16. It just. It shows. You are such a natural comedian. Yeah.

[Tomek Kolecki]

Like, for a long period of time, I had the nickname of youngest Polish comedian, you know, because I was just a teenager doing setup comedy. When I have my first ever TV set in Poland, I had to get agreement from my parents to do this because I was underage do you remember?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Can you translate? Does it work in English? Do you remember one of your first jokes in Poland on Polish television? Does it work in America at all?

[Tomek Kolecki]

12 years ago, something about my teacher in school was an idiot and then they hid on TV and I had to go to school after it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What did the teacher say to you?

[Tomek Kolecki]

I don't remember at this point, but it was something about making him a pedophile.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. Perfect.

[Tomek Kolecki]

Tough day at school on Monday? I would say that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, Tomek, I mean, you're amazing.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

How long you in town for?

[Tomek Kolecki]

I stay till the beginning of December, but I'm planning to be back here in February for another three months.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Beginning of December. In the middle of February.

[Brian Redban]

You grow up with Polish jokes, Tony. Like, like, like why. Why do you Polish girls don't use vibrators because it chips their teeth and

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

shit like that, Right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Are you aware that Polish people are considered stupid?

[Tomek Kolecki]

I know, but it's a. Like, this is a common opinion that Polish people are stupid. This is not true. We just can't speak good English, so we sounds dumb, you know, like in Polish language I can be intelligent guy here. I'm Borat, you know, like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tomek Kolecki]

Nice.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah, I know, I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What? Yeah.

[Fuzzy]

I would love to have you on

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the secret show Thursday. And here's the big joke book, my friend. Congratulations. You did it perfectly. Toc Ky, ladies and gentlemen, with his big global Kill Tony debut. And on to the next one we go. Great job, Tomac.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

We'll see you later. Okay, sure. There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go cold clammy hand. Cold coalish hand. All right, back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for your next comedian doing an uninterrupted minute. His name is Jose Ayala, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go.

[Jose Ayala]

How you doing, Kill Tony? Hell yeah. Hell yeah. I know what you're thinking. That's one big ass fog in Jose right there, you know? Yeah, no, I know. I know. I'm not a traditional Mexican, that you can tell. Yeah. But the most Mexican thing about me is I got a uti. Yeah, a urinary tract infection. Ladies, drink your cranberry juice. Because I got jerked off by a chick who had hot Cheeto fingers, you know?

[Henry J]

Yeah.

[Jose Ayala]

Can you believe it? That bitch flavor blasted my dick, you know? No, but I got her back.

[Henry J]

I did.

[Jose Ayala]

I ate her out with Frank's Red Hot. You know, you can literally put that on anything, you know? And it was great too, because, you know, what's it called? It makes everything taste like buffalo wings. So it went great with the blue cheese she already had, you know.

[Henry J]

Yeah.

[Jose Ayala]

I should call her, you know.

[Henry J]

Yeah.

[Jose Ayala]

Oh, here's another. Oh, what do you call it when you make a paralyzed girl squirt? Vegetable soup.

[Fuzzy]

All right.

[Jose Ayala]

My name's Jose. That guy's been wonderful.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Vegetable soup.

[Fuzzy]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay. Just checking.

[Cameron Ilig]

All right.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Didn't know if you said stew or.

[Jose Ayala]

It can work either way.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah, it works either way. Absolutely. Jose Ayala. You've been on this show before?

[Jose Ayala]

Yeah, once.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

How long ago was that?

[Jose Ayala]

It was like a month ago, actually.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, wow. Okay. And how's life going for you, Jose? What do we find out about you in that first interview that we. I found interesting.

[Jose Ayala]

I'm Mexican.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Well, we knew that.

[Jose Ayala]

I work at a bar. That's what we found out. And, yeah, that was it.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay. Wow. Well, this was a great interview, Jose. Is there anything else interesting about your life that we might find intriguing?

[Jose Ayala]

I don't like big crowds. That's. That's the only thing.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You're in the right industry. Perfect. Amazing.

[Ron White]

Yeah.

[Jose Ayala]

They freak me out like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

So how are you planning on getting over that? What's your big plan, Jose? Because the industry that you're in, if it goes good, which, luckily, I don't think you have to worry about that for a while, but if it goes good, you're going to be in front of giant crowds.

[Jose Ayala]

I'm gonna start doing orgies. So.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah, okay.

[Jose Ayala]

Yeah, just dive right into it, you know?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

All right, what's the, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand up comedy, Jose?

[Jose Ayala]

I like to play video games. I skateboard. I, I do recreational drugs. Just go out with friends, party, you know.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What kind of recreational drugs do you do? Hook. Say, let's talk about it.

[Jose Ayala]

Okay. I smoke a lot of weed.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah. What? Other than that? Let's talk about that.

[Jose Ayala]

Oh, all right.

[Henry J]

Sorry.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Mom, your upper lip is sweating between your nose.

[Henry J]

Yeah, sorry.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Upper lip.

[Jose Ayala]

Sorry. I got hot nuts.

[Henry J]

My bad.

[Jose Ayala]

No, I, I, I did acid the other day, so that was pretty cool, you know?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah, dude. Yeah. Okay. What happened when you did acid?

[Jose Ayala]

I got. Okay, so I got lost completely. I, I ended up blacking out and then waking up, like at a bus stop and.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Yeah.

[Jose Ayala]

And I didn't know how I got there. And when I woke up, my underwear was completely gone.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Where did it go?

[Jose Ayala]

I, I think I probably shit my pants. Okay. No, I didn't, I didn't probably. I shit my pants and, and I. Because I was in and out of a Blackout. And I remember being behind a bush, wiping my ass with them, and then just throw him on the floor. Boy, am I gonna put him in my pocket.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Oh, yeah.

[Jose Ayala]

So I can have those for children here.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Wow. You shit your pants. I'm gonna check in with my chief acid correspondent. The great Ron White is here, ladies and gentlemen.

[Ron White]

So was it fun?

[Jose Ayala]

Oh, no, it was great. I had. I had like a great euphoric experience. I. I went to call, like, I really, like, you know, thought about my life and, you know, I cried a little bit. It's not. I'm not gonna lie. And it was. It was really. It was really life changing, you know, except for the shame.

[Ron White]

What was your life like before that? I gotta tell you, dude, you know, you. You came out.

[Brian Redban]

You.

[Ron White]

I think you did a pretty good job. You haven't been doing stand up long, right?

[Jose Ayala]

Four years.

[Ron White]

Four years.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh,

[Ron White]

I got nothing. I got nothing. I got nothing.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Fun fact, I've only done acid maybe three or four times, and all three or four of the. Of those times, I'm just gonna say it was because of the great Ron White.

[Colin Sledge]

He.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He knows how to bring a party to the next level in the green room here.

[Ron White]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And they call it micro dosing, but I've never micro dosed it turns out anything in my life. It turns out if I do any amount of anything, it's a full dose.

[Ron White]

Yeah, we. Turns out we don't have scales up there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. And I can tell you, I just start hearing the light, lights. I can hear LED lights. I can hear and feel everything and anything around me.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I'm in a total matrix when I do it. And I stay awake until about 8am the next day. I don't know why. From what I understand that I guess that's a part of it, but I

[Brian Redban]

don't get micro dosing liquid acid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, I know. Turns out I'm hanging out with the fear and loathing over here. Ron White is like the actual dude, by the way, if you're wondering what he's like off stage.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

He's like a cool Texas version of the. Of the Big Lebowski.

[Ron White]

Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, but. And, but, and, but you did the answer that I gave you and did you. Your pants?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

No, my pants.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no.

[Brian Redban]

200 hits. I've never.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah, we think you would have your

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

pants anyway that day, Jose.

[Jose Ayala]

Yeah, no, I was also blackout drunk, so.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Well, okay.

[Ron White]

Yeah, I like that's what you want to do when you're on acid is just get black out.

[Jose Ayala]

Yeah. No, I didn't plan it. Some guy just. Oh, some guy just gave it to me, and I was like, all right, it. We're going to do this. Might as well, you know, dance with the devil, you know.

[Ron White]

All right.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Dance with the devil. And your pants.

[Jose Ayala]

Hell, yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Huh. I find that. Do you? Your pants? No, never.

[Jose Ayala]

No, not really.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not really. Oh, we're getting. We're getting warmer, folks. No, not really. All right, I have.

[Jose Ayala]

When I was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right now. It's in your pants right now, isn't it?

[Jesse Vasquez]

No.

[Jose Ayala]

Okay, we're good.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Jose, here's a little joke book. Fun times, my friend. Oh, wow. There he goes. Jose Ayala dropping the little joke book. That's what people are going to remember from this set. One more time from Jose, ladies and gentlemen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, I'll tell you, we've met some interesting people.

[Ron White]

To follow that Polish dude, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is tough to follow the Polish dude. We are about to. We're about to. All right, let's get one more bucket pull up here before I pull the trigger on this nuclear warhead that I have waiting in the back. This looks like a new name, so I'm excited about new names. We've got two Bucket Pools that were both on in the last month, which is rough because they don't have anything new to talk about in the interview

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

portion of the show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The bucket has a mind of its own.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

This is the show. This is what happens. Anything gonna happen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So we're gonna meet a new one right now. I'm sure this is a new name. Make some noise for Carter Fan Cutch. Carter Fan Catch.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

There's Carter, everybody. Carter Fan Cutcher.

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

Nice of you guys to clap, cheer and stuff. Whenever I came out last time I saw my mom, she didn't do any of that. She just said, shave that shit off your face. Said, you look like my son and somebody I could never trust around my son, you know? But I need this mustache. Without it, I look exactly like Caitlin Clark. She's a talented shooter. I just say, shoot when I come, you know? What are you gonna do? My love life's tough. It's like. My love life's like, red box, you know, it used to be a thing. It used to be a lot of fun in a Walgreens parking lot, you know, Not a lot of returns. There are always scratches on the back. It's tough, you know, but I supplement it, you know? I supplement my sex life a little bit with porn when I can, but Texas makes that very difficult. There's not exactly porn down Here. So you got to get creative. You know, I. I found something pretty interesting. It was David Blaine's sex tape. That's good. That's good. You know, he's having sex with a girl and she's like, oh, David, don't come in me. I'm not on the pill. And he's like, check your pocket.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Carter fan. Tyler.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Am I saying that right? Fan catch.

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

Fan cook.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fan cook.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Okay.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I could see how that would be. Welcome, Carter. This is your first time on the show?

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

Yes, sir.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Awesome. How long you been on stand up?

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

About eight years.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Eight years. Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where at?

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

Springfield, Missouri. Moved down here a year ago.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Nice. How do you like Austin compared to Springfield, Missouri?

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

It's a bigger town, a lot more opportunity.

[Jose Ayala]

I.

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

You know, I like it.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay. What's a. What's a crazy thing that's happened for you in Austin, Texas, so far? A lot of opportunity, a lot of fun to be had. You had a wild night or anything yet?

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

Yeah, had some crazy nights. I. I saw a homeless person on the street yesterday.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I'm pretty sure he was just on stage.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is it at a bus stop perhaps?

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

Took a up here too.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah, I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What ethnicity are you?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You really do have a look to you German.

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

I'm a German man. The last name fan cook means pancake in German.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Wow, look at that. How do you think you ended up with the last name pancake?

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

I have to assume we fucked up a loaf of bread somewhere back in the gene pool. I don't know.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I love it. What do your parents do? What are they up to?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They together?

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

No, no. Long, long gone. On the marriage there. My mom, radiodosymmetrist. Treats cancer.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay.

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

And then my dad was like a pharmaceutical salesperson, then got popped smoking weed. And they. I guess you can't do that as a. As a pharmaceutical salesperson. So he bought a Airbnb or a bed and breakfast, rather, and, like, ran that for a while now. He works at a dock.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

A dock?

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

Yeah, he owns a dock.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay.

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

Phil's gas. Wears jean shorts. He lives the life.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah. That sounds like a dream. It really does. Red band's excited about it, right? You like?

[Tomek Kolecki]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay. And you said your love life's like a red box. How's it been going? What exactly is going on? Why do you think you're having trouble?

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

It's actually going okay. I'm married now.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, wow.

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

I've remedied the solution. I found a box that I can just go back to over and over again.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Look at that.

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

But yeah, no, it's good. We both travel for work and stuff, so. It is. There's some dry spells, but yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does she do?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Where does she travel for work?

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

She actually. She's all over the place. She's like a wastewater field service technician, so she's like, anywhere there's shit, she'll go. She's actually going to India for Thanksgiving.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

She'll be there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Really?

[Cameron Ilig]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

She's going to help the wastewater in

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

India, Believe it or not.

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

It's not good there, so.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Oh.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, my God. That sounds like quite the mission. Yeah.

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

And she's going to fail, but, you know, you got to.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Treating wastewater in India is like melting the snow in Antarctica. This is. This sounds like mission impossible. Is she excited about this? To spend Thanksgiving in India?

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

She was like. She was. Are you going to miss me? Like, should I just stay here for Thanksgiving? I was like, no. It's like once in a lifetime opportunity. Well, we went and got. We went to the travel center and got her shots and everything today, and she's fucking scared now. Like, don't eat any of the food. You have to crack open. Every, you know, drink that you're gonna drink has to be factory sealed. Like, they really put the fear of God in her. There's like Japanese encephalitis running rampant. It's a scary fucking place.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Fuck. Unbelievable. Wow. Ron White. What do you think about this yacht, Buck?

[Ron White]

Mr. Pancake, I think that most of the things you do in India will give you the shits. Yeah, Right. So she could be at home there. You think she might not ever come back?

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

Yeah, she may have too much work. She may leave me for a poo. I don't know.

[Ron White]

But. So do you do comedy clubs on the road? Is that what you do? You travel and do clubs?

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

I. I actually am in wastewater also, so I travel for work mostly for that how we met, but.

[Ron White]

Oh, that's boring. How do you do it? Dude, you make everybody sound more interesting than they are. That's fucking incredible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's not easy after a show like this. I sleep for 48 hours straight.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

But see, both of you are in wastewater.

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

So you're literally. It's a shitty relationship.

[Brian Redban]

Your house must stink, dude.

[Ron White]

Like.

[Brian Redban]

Like, how much do you spend on

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

Glade a month opposite. Dude, we're pros. We know exactly. I've learned to wipe sitting down recently. Like, where are we?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Redband still hasn't learned how to do that. That's incredible, cuz.

[Brian Redban]

That's inferior.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

All right. Okay.

[Ron White]

How did you wipe before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Great question. How did you wipe before?

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

I would get up, you know, I'd take a look and then I'd be like, yeah, that's going to be some work. And then I'd get in there, I would stand up. I would stand up. I don't know whose fault that is. I don't know if that's my dad or my mom.

[Brian Redban]

It's a German thing, I think.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

How do you do it now? Tell us. Explain to us how you do it sitting down.

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

I just like lean. I typically left. I'm right handed, so I'll lean left and I'll get. You lean left, I lean left and that's two actions. So that creates a space for the arm to go and it spreads your cheeks. So.

[Ron White]

Wow.

[Brian Redban]

Doesn't it seem like. Not as good like you're not getting in there?

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

No, Brian, it's better. My cleaner and I smell less like poop all the time.

[Ron White]

So you should stop by my place. I. I've got a rotating stream of water that shoots up my ass. It is nice.

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

Is that just on your jet or you have that in your house?

[Ron White]

No, I got. I got it everywhere, man. Everywhere I go.

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

One day I'll afford a fountain for my.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You'd be. You'd be quite surprised if you go on Amazon. You'd be shocked at how amazing. A bidet.

[Brian Redban]

40 bucks.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

It'll change your life. Use the promo code. Kill Tony

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

and I'll price them out and I'll get. Get a wet ass.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

All right, Carter, congratulations. Here is a. I can't even remember. How did you do? Caitlin Clark was okay, red box. Got nine. Okay, here's a. Here's a big joke book.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go, Carter.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Old Carter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pancake Carter. Fan cook. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a very special moment which I like because the

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

last, you know, few comedians other than the Polish guy, it's been kind of. It's been kind of low. The.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The level of sets tonight I would consider low. But right now you're about to meet the newest regular on kil, Tony. This is an absolutely incredible moment. Cuz it's his first time being brought up as a regular. He was made a regular last week out of nowhere. I had never met him before and since I've come to learn that he is absolutely, totally deserving and ready for this mission. A 12 year veteran of comedy, the dark storm of Atlanta. Welcome to the stage. Make some fucking noise for Dedrick Flynn, everybody. Here we go.

[Dedrick Flynn]

What's up? What you know about accidentally drinking 3 gallons of gasoline. Cause you was trying to siphon it from a truck and you accidentally swallowed three liters of it at nine years old. And then you gotta go to your dad and you gotta say, hey, dad, my tum tum hurts. And then your dad go say, boy, you smell unleaded. So then I gotta go to the. Look at me. I gotta. So then you go to the hospital and you get your stomach pumps, right? You get your stomach pump. But then the doctors don't give me back the gasoline. What the fuck is up with that? We need to pay doctors less money. I got kicked out the hibachi restaurant yesterday. And if we being honest, all hibachi just means is Japanese food, like, right. That's all it means. It's like you can get the album at home, but see them live. It's amazing. They'll flip a shrimp in your mouth. But they got an anti being high policy. Cause they had a all you could eat. So I ate an edible. Cause I was gonna see all that I could eat. And they tricked me. What they did was, is it was really entrapment. They dropped off the chopsticks before they dropped off the food. And a nigga just saw a drumline the night before. So I'm doing my paradiddles on the soy sauce. Then these N had the nerve to put on Phil Collins in the air tonight. N everybody don't have Phil Collins in the air tonight. That's not how you deal with those situations. I work in bars. What I do is, like, say, crazy. Like, say, if y' all two dudes start to get in the fight, I'll just spray y' all with some silly string, let y' all know this is not a serious time. This is supposed to be y' all friends. And if y' all get mad and try to fight me, I'll just pepper spray you in the eyes. Or as I call it, serious stream. I'm done.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. Let's fucking go.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome, welcome, Dedrick.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Here we are, your first time cashing in on regular ship, your second time ever on the show. A 12 year veteran, he signed up 39 times for the show and finally got pulled last week. Meanwhile, you have these guys, two buffoons, their pants that got pulled in the last month, each of them sweet. Fucking killer. Dedrick, up here filled with material and funny stuff. I love the fact that you made that guy in the front look at you while you were doing the thing.

[Ron White]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, it was amazing. Yeah.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I'm a be Somebody look at me.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah, Dedrick, I love it. Tell us how life's going for you. Tell us something we don't know about you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome, welcome, man.

[Dedrick Flynn]

First I had to call my mama, and then I had to explain what killed Tony was. Cause she old and black, like, she don't know no better. So then I was like, it's like the Apollo. And she said, okay, cool. Where that's at? And I said, in Austin, where I've been living, I've been signing up. And then she said, okay, whose club is it? Then I had to tell her it was Joe Rogan Club. And then she couldn't remember who Joe Rogan was, so I said, the nigga from Fear Factor?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yep.

[Dedrick Flynn]

And then she said, oh, good, baby. You doing good, baby. How you gonna make some money?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He is that guy. On top of many other things, he

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

is that guy from Fear Factor.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah. He's.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I love it. How does she feel about you being out here in Texas?

[Dedrick Flynn]

She hated it at first because she. She told me because when we was growing up, my dad was like, the black dots on the map mean that's where other black people live. Take as much time as y' all need. And so I asked my dad. I was like, what do you do in between the black dots? And he said, drive faster, peeing Gatorade bottles. So you don't. Don't stop. So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Dedrick Flynn]

She just found out about Austin. It's 12 black people here now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's amazing.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Your parents still together?

[Dedrick Flynn]

No, my dad passed away in 2016.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, sorry to hear that. How'd he die? I always ask everybody.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah, he had kidney failure. And then they kill you with the treatment, right? Having kidney failure.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

And he had diabetes first.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah, that's. That's a thing.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Don't make a joke about that.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

No, I won't. I won't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I will not make fun of diabetes. That you're.

[Dedrick Flynn]

17 more episodes. You can make fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, I'll wait. I'm writing that down. 17 episodes. Then I'll bring this up from now on.

[Dedrick Flynn]

And then roast my dad to shred.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I will. I will. Was he cremated?

[Dedrick Flynn]

No, no, we had. We. We had some money.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, okay.

[Dedrick Flynn]

We have some money. That wasn't important. Yeah, well, people donated money. I was working at a. I was a GM at a car wash, and then I was making them a bunch of money. Jim Dudley helped pay for my dad funeral, and then. I appreciate that. For Jim. Shout out Jim Dudley over there.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Hell, yeah.

[Dedrick Flynn]

In Georgia somewhere.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What was it like being the GM of a car wash.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I fucking loved it. And because, like, I knew I had power. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm power hungry. So, like, when customers will come in, I only could, like, you could either get extracurricular, or I'm gonna be like, that's not my job. I can't do that. And I love telling somebody something's not my job. That's my favorite thing in the world. You ever just be like, no, I don't. Do you people do stuff like that? You know what I'm talking about, Tony, you got money too, right? Ron White?

[Ron White]

I do. I do. Hey, but you know what? I just wanted to say this. Hey, you know, I watched your set last week from the balcony up there because Tony said, this kid is really good, and I just laughed my face off. And then you're going to be in my show tomorrow night.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yes, sir.

[Ron White]

Full 15 minutes. I'm looking forward to. Forward to having you on board.

[Fuzzy]

Oh.

[Ron White]

Having you around the club.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Thank you so much. Y' all make some noise with Ron White.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Dedrick Flynn]

And give an opportunity.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Things are moving very fast for Dedrick.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

So he was made a regular last week, and then Tuesday, we're all in the green room on a normal thing. Me, Ron, Rogan, Derosa, and whoever else. Shane, a bunch of people, and Bert. It's a normal. Just a normal Tuesday. You never know who's going to be on one of these crazy Rogan shows. Normal Tuesday at work. And I was telling the green room, like, oh, we got a new regular. That only happens once every year, too. And the kid's a freak. And Rogan says, invite him to do the show tomorrow, and I'll have him on my show. So you came on the Wednesday. That's how fast. So Monday you get pulled for the first time. Wednesday, you're opening for Joe Rogan, and

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the balcony filled up with the guys.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Everyone's like, let's see if you know this regular, this new guy for the first time. Because they always know if I say, I found somebody, that they're probably gonna know them and forever and holy. I mean, it was incredible. He has a. I mean, I don't want to give anything away, and I'm not going to, but he started a bit about Oreo cookies that I thought was going to be a quick, amazing joke. And I see the first minute, and I'm like, oh, this is gonna. And destroy on kill Tony. And then it's 2 minutes, 3 minutes, 4 minutes, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

About Oreos. He's got a 9 minute long Oreo bit and we're dying. I'm wiping tears. We're wiping tears out of our eyes

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

and there's nothing quite like it. You know, it probably sounds corny, but, like, when someone like you comes around, it reminds us all what the we got in this for.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And it's incredibly inspiring and I'm so excited to have you on board. It gives me something to look forward to every week. And so welcome to the family, Dedrick, and we'll do it again next week. I love you, Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen, it has begun. I can't wait for you guys to see what Dedrick has has up his sleeve. It is powerful. One more time for Dedrick Flynn, everybody. Back to the bucket we go. This is where we found him. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Trip Callahan, everybody. Trip Callahan is next.

[Trip Callahan]

Oh, my God. Guys. So one thing about me, I think it's very important to be able to change your mind. And no one's better at that than Obama. Yeah, because when Obama took office, he was against gay marriage. And by the time he left, he was drone striking straight weddings.

[Henry J]

That's

[Trip Callahan]

pretty good progress. And I love the gays, but the other day someone told me that gays aren't groomers. And I was like, what? Like, my thing is, if gays aren't groomers, then explain how I got sucked off at a Petco. I, I, I do got a new favorite gay. His name's Jeffrey Dahmer. Because I finally watched that Netflix show about him. And I remember when it came out, a bunch of my friends were talking about was funny when the police were interviewing Dahmer's dad and telling him everything, because the thing he was most pissed about was that Dahmer was gay. And I was just thinking, if I was that police officer, I would have tried to cheer him up a little. You know, I feel like she was gay. But he also murdered 25 gay dudes, right?

[Henry J]

So, yeah.

[Trip Callahan]

So despite his gayness, he's much more homophobic than you. You know, like, you're talking about. They're going to hell. He's fucking sending them there, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Tripp Callahan with an extremely gay set.

[Ron White]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome, Tripp.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Have you been on this show before?

[Trip Callahan]

Yeah, I was on, like, a couple months ago.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay. Welcome back, Trip. Welcome back. How's your life changed since the last time you were on the show?

[Trip Callahan]

Oh, bro, I can't even go out in public.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Trip Callahan]

No, dude, nothing's changed, bro.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Nothing's changed.

[Henry J]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay. Was it a good set or was it like that?

[Trip Callahan]

Better than this one, dude.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay. But, yeah, remind us, Trip, you seem like a very happy guy.

[William Montgomery]

Of course.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What. What did we find out about you last time you were on the show?

[Trip Callahan]

Oh, bro, I. I work at heb.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh.

[Trip Callahan]

Serial killer friend.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What's your serial killer friend? What do you mean?

[Trip Callahan]

Oh, well, he was like. Just like. He's, like, turned gay and then started killing gay guys and he was.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Is this everything in your life and all that you talk about gay and serial killers?

[Trip Callahan]

Yes, bro.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay, bro. What else about you, Tripp? Tell us something we didn't find out last time you were on this show.

[Trip Callahan]

I got, like, crippled for, like, four years from college football.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Ooh, tell us more.

[Trip Callahan]

I got rolled up on, dude. I messed up my ankle and then the dog. I broke my leg, and I fucked up all my cartilage and ligaments in my ankle. And then the doctors kept fucking up. I had to have, like, two surgeries. But we're better now, dude. We made it.

[Ron White]

You know what's amazing is it sounds like you've got something to say.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, right?

[Ron White]

Yeah, you're really good at it. I mean, you hold the mic in the right spot. You're. You understand every word you say.

[Colin Sledge]

Thank you.

[Ron White]

And it's almost like you have a plan, right?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

But.

[Ron White]

But you're missing content. Oh, that's all you're missing. Just a little bit of content, man.

[Trip Callahan]

I got you.

[Ron White]

Yeah, but.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

But most.

[Ron White]

Most. Most amateur comics don't do as good a job with a microphone as you do. And I understood every word you said.

[Trip Callahan]

Well, thank you.

[Ron White]

So that's a big, like, that's something.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, yeah, it is true. Your delivery mechanism is impeccable. It's like a. It's like a. It's like ordering from UberEats. Like a Euro stand at 4am or something. Like, the delivery is there, but it's not good, you know, when it comes, it's just a little bit off. You're like, well, this was the only place that was open, but at least it's here. And then you food. Deeply regret it the next day. That's what you're like. Okay, okay, Tripp, tell us something amazing about your life that has nothing to do with gay or serial killers.

[Trip Callahan]

Oh, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got nothing.

[Fuzzy]

You stumped it.

[Trip Callahan]

Yeah, you really did, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh?

[Trip Callahan]

Dude, amazing about my life.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Anything at all. Just anything. Tripping.

[Trip Callahan]

Dude, I can walk again. No, I work at a job, dude.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I work at 8.

[Trip Callahan]

Yeah, I can walk.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Dude, we already Talked about H E B last time, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you really walk?

[Trip Callahan]

Yes.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

All right, do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's a little joke book trip. Callahan. Ladies and gentlemen, on to the next one we go. Stumped them with the anything except for gay or serial killer talk. We got a whole bucket. Oh, my goodness gracious. Wow, look at that. It's a shame she doesn't want to kill a gay tonight. I don't know. Nothing's making any sense right now. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Henry J, everybody. Henry J. One more time for Henry J, everyone.

[Henry J]

I can tell my phone was made in China because the default skin color on my emojis is yellow. If Johnny Depp has a one night stand and then the next morning gets an Amber alert on his phone, does he panic and check his bed for any surprises? I think he does. Is the utensil of choice for non binary people. Spork. I think they eat exclusively with that when they eat brunch. Let's see. If a plane makes a successful water landing, do the black passengers panic harder after the landing? If a guy goes on a date, on a Tinder date with a girl that ends up not being a girl, did he get catfished or swordfished? Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Henry J. Without a doubt, his first time on the show. Ron White.

[Ron White]

Those were riddles. You should do jokes because you have a, you know, you got a good face for stand up comedy. You, you, you look like you, but. Yeah, but those are. Those are riddles. That's what those are. Those are just.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah, it's true. You're more of a riddler than a joker. Do all of your. Does every bit of your material end in a question mark?

[Henry J]

I, I just thought it was a unique style, you know, where the question and like. Or the setup and the punchline all built into one question.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

How many of those do you have? How long you been doing stand up?

[Henry J]

About two years.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Two years. All of it in Austin?

[Henry J]

In Utah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Utah. Salt Lake City. Okay.

[Henry J]

Yes, sir.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

And that's your style. You're the que. Is it exclusively just questions? Do you have any other material?

[Henry J]

I. I have a lot of other. I have a lot of other stuff too.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Can you do one joke that isn't a question?

[Henry J]

Sure.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Ladies and gentlemen, doing a joke that isn't a question.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Henry J, everybody.

[Henry J]

I was. I was studying abroad and she got creeped out and just. That joke slaps, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

That is not a question.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Still a little Ridley. Slightly Ridley. There's still some thinking you have to do. And then you go, haha. I bet you get a lot of those in the, in the Henry J. Fan club.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

A lot of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're gonna love this guy. Are you, Are you sober? Because you gotta be sober for him. You gotta really. You have to pay close attention and put your thinking hat on for the wild comedy styles of Henry J.

[Henry J]

Everyone in Utah is sober.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, not everyone. I did an arena in Salt Lake City on Saturday night and nobody was sober. We have different crowds. Henry J. Those people in Salt Lake City fucking party. For those of you that don't know, it is one of the top five cities in the United States of America.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Shout out, Salt Lake City.

[Brian Redban]

Shake that bad bitch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have no idea what that means in this context. Wait until we're talking about mashed potatoes or bacon before you speak up again.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Henry J. What do you do for work?

[Henry J]

I'm a finished carpenter.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What does that mean exactly?

[Henry J]

So I install doors and do like a bunch of custom woodwork in people's homes.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, okay.

[Henry J]

Anything woodwork related in people's homes?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, all right. Okay. And you just finish. You never start?

[Henry J]

I just ask. I struggle closing sales because I never

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

actually, you know, what's your love life like?

[Henry J]

I'm married.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You're married?

[Henry J]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh my goodness. When you, when you pop the question, was it all like, would you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you would.

[Henry J]

I just used the 20 questions thing, you know, we got there eventually.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I love it. What does she do?

[Henry J]

She's stay at home mom.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Stay at home mom. How many kids do you have?

[Henry J]

Two.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

That's adorable. How old are they?

[Henry J]

My oldest is five, He's a boy. And then I have a little two year old girl.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Amazing. You love it, huh? It's the best. Wow, that's incredible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you come inside of your wife, do you say anything weird? Do you make a weird face or anything? Do you make a noise?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What is a guy like you, because

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you seem a little goofy, you seem a little silly. I'd imagine you do something a little wacky, A doodle dandy.

[Henry J]

So we like dirty talk.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

So I'll really give us an example

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

of your dirty talk. Do you like that penis?

[Henry J]

It's all questions. Yeah, I just. I'll kiss her neck a little bit and work my way up to her ear and then just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then you nut inside of her.

[Henry J]

No, no, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. Take us through it nice and slow.

[Henry J]

I'll just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very romantic.

[Henry J]

I'll just tell her. Or. Oh, I guess I'll just ask her. It's like, no, I'm not gonna ask a question. I'm not gonna. No, I'll just, like, I'll work my way up to her ear, and then I'll just say, baby, I would skip church for you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Wow.

[Henry J]

That's our dirty talk.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is indeed Utah dirty talk.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

So you're on the Mormon side of things up there. I'm guessing very religious. You were raised that way? No. How did you end up finding the Mormons to be your religion of choice?

[Henry J]

It's kind of a long story.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I bet it is. I. I want to.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I want to hear it. I want to know. I. I always assume that Mormons. I don't know why, but I always kind of assume that you have to be, like, born into it and raised into it. I don't often find people that find God finding the, like, silly alien, the funny one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys are like, the funny religion.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

The deeper you look into it, the wilder it gets.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've seen Book of Mormon from the

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

creators of South Park?

[Henry J]

No. You want to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You should see it.

[Henry J]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievably hilarious.

[Henry J]

I heard it's highly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I love musicals.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

All right, go ahead.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us how you found Mormon.

[Henry J]

Well, I mean, I think each and every one of us have a direct line to him, and I think he communicates with us specifically so that we're in the right place at the right time to either help people or not. BYU was highlighted in my mind there, and it felt like that was him

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

putting that there because BYU was highlighted. What do you mean exactly?

[Henry J]

Like, it was just a thought that came into my brain. That was.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

When did. When did this happen? After high school?

[Henry J]

No, I went through a little atheist phase after high school.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

And then. And then explain to us what you mean by BYU was highlighted of you're an atheist.

[Henry J]

And then I found God before this. But, yeah, I. It just. It just came into my mind that that's what he wanted to do, and it was extremely powerful. I could tell it wasn't my own thoughts. It was just like, this is. This is what I want you to do.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

And then you went to byu and you finished at byu.

[Henry J]

I didn't. I dropped out.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You dropped out. Okay.

[Ron White]

God, feel about. That was.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

So you drop out. You didn't finish much like your work. And then how do you find your. Is your wife Mormon, too?

[Henry J]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay, so you've met her at church?

[Henry J]

I met her. So I. I served a mission, just like any old, little good Mormon.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

So you really did. You had the name tag and The. And the white polo and the black tie, and you're knocking on doors.

[Henry J]

CIA of Jesus.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay, sure. Okay. This is how you meet your wife? Paint the picture for us.

[Henry J]

Yeah, so I met her. We go to a little training center for a couple weeks before we ship out to all the different locations, and I met her there.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You met her at the training center? She was.

[Henry J]

I didn't realize she was also a missionary there. And we were just.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Is that the position that you guys have sex in?

[Henry J]

We are masters at the missionary position.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Do you only do missionary position? Really? Do you do other positions with your wife?

[Henry J]

Other ones, yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Like what? What other ones? Give us an example. Just rattle off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Rattle off some positions for us real quick.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

No big deal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you want, I could have ron White name 75 positions in less than the lazy dog. What exactly.

[Tomek Kolecki]

Hold on a second.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What exactly is the lazy dog, Ron?

[Ron White]

That's where you get in the doggy style position and then both of you at the same time. And that's the important part. Fall over. Now you're doing a lazy dog.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Ron White is the coolest guy planet Earth.

[Ron White]

Where did you get your mission assignment? I mean, did you get a Orlando?

[Henry J]

Fort Lauderdale.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, look at that.

[Ron White]

Not bad. They need some saving there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

So what was that like going into Fort Lauderdale and trying to teach people the way of. Of alien and whatnot, being a God and all this very, very hilarious religion, but go ahead.

[Henry J]

No, it was interesting. And every time I saw a black person, I couldn't tell if they spoke English, Creole or Spanish. So you just kind of.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Let's stick with that for a second.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you say that, what exactly do you mean?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Like, you would see one.

[Henry J]

And then we talk to people on the streets a bunch, obviously. And like, I'd just be like, hey, how's it going? It's like. Like English, you know?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, okay.

[Henry J]

I learned the basics of Creole just to be able to communicate.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Wow.

[Henry J]

A lot of hand gestures to communicate when I need to.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay. And were you able to sign up any of these black people in Fort Lauderdale?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ron White shaking his head no.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I am on the inside also shaking my head no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't find it believable.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Did you really sell a black guy on being a Mormon trying to speak.

[Ron White]

How many black people are in the Mormon group up there?

[William Montgomery]

The.

[Ron White]

Anybody in the tabernacle Choir?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Or.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

How many times did they answer the door and just go, oh, hell no? What, you a bill collector? Get the upper.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Red band.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What do you think about Mormons, man?

[Brian Redban]

I I just like the things they did because they can't have sex. You know, like that shaking the bed thing was a real thing where they. They go in bed and they have their friend just shake it so they're like. Like rubbing against each other's. You know, that kind of stuff.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You know about this, Henry?

[Henry J]

I've heard about it, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Can you describe one of the wackiest things that you had to do sex sexually to respect your religion before you got married? Did you cheat a little bit? Did you put it, like. Did you stick it in a little bit? No.

[Jose Ayala]

No.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

How about the back side?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know you guys. You guys a way that the Lord doesn't see the old B hole in Mormonism. From what I understand, we study these things on top of mashed potatoes and bacon. He's a butthole specialist. This so.

[Henry J]

No, nothing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on, give us a little something.

[Brian Redban]

You ever hide in the back seat of your car with a couple friends and watch them make out in the front while you're parked at a. No.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

There must be something. How long were you with your wife before you got married?

[Henry J]

Like, eight, nine months, something like that.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Wow. Not that long. So for eight or nine, you guys were kissing? Tongue kissing.

[Henry J]

We made out.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Hand stuff. Fingers and hands? No. So you had no idea what this lady's even smelled like, and you're like,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I want this forever. And it could have been a disaster forever and ever.

[Henry J]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

It could have been a byu. You know what I mean?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Taking chances, dude.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, my God. So nothing with. Not a hand job, not a dry hump.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nothing with clothes on.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Not.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Not a Fully clothed. But. So you can make out. And you would get a boner, right. While making out, but you couldn't like, even, like, be like. Oh, yeah, Nothing at all. Nothing. So you would, like, make out and then go to the bathroom and, like, jerk off? Sometimes it was just blue balls.

[Henry J]

The whole courtship.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Wait, there was blue balls?

[Henry J]

Blue balls. The whole courtship.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Blue balls.

[Henry J]

The whole courtship.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

The whole courtship? Is that what you said?

[Ron White]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay.

[Brian Redban]

When it came out, was it curdled or anything like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You couldn't even jerk off thinking about her. Is that one of the rules?

[Henry J]

No.

[Brian Redban]

You can't even drink coffee, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Drink coffee, man. Red band knows all the.

[Henry J]

Teach me. Teach me.

[Ron White]

I was getting some dental work done, and they didn't turn the gas up to where I could feel it. And it was just like a. It was like a. Like a. I don't know, some kind of dental school in Vegas. I'd broken A tooth. And I told the guy to turn the gas up. And he goes, there are regulations, the standing about it. And I said, where'd you go to college? He goes, brigham Young. And I'm like, turn it up to Catholic. Never let Mormon set your buzz level. Never. And here's why. They don't understand up the way you and I do. They're guessing and they're shitty guessers.

[Henry J]

We're the best designated drivers though, out there.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

We got waymos now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Henry J. Fun times. Great interview. Interview of the night. Henry J. Congratulations, Henry. Thank you for joining, joining us. Sign up again, come back again.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

All right, here we go. Bucket pool number nine. And I gotta tell you this, without a doubt, looks like a good name. The handwriting is impeccable, all caps clearest. Best handwriting of the night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And a catchy name. Makes some noise for Honey Donowitz, everybody. Honey Donowitz.

[Honey Donowitz]

So I just think it's, it's fucked up that our, our government cut funding to 20 billion children's food because they don't want to fuck fat kids. Like, I get it, I get it. It's been hard out there for them. They're having to recalibrate a whole dating pool. The last time they had to get their own 11 year olds, bulimia was still taught in school. They're just figuring some shit out. And like, I don't think it would be necessarily better if you and I had never heard of Jeffrey Epstein. But like, crazy shit's been happening ever since. You just know there's like some guys in the back room somewhere just like watching the headlines, seeing monarchies get called out. And they're just thinking to themselves, like, do we have another 9, 11 in the chamber? And they did. They did. Jeffrey Epstein was arrested in June 2019, I believe. And December we're starting to hear about COVID March. We're shut down. We don't even know who he is anymore. So that's my conspiracy. Thank you.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Honey Donowitz, welcome to the show.

[Ron White]

Honey, did you mention that the handwriting was really nice?

[Honey Donowitz]

It was, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Handwriting is incredible. The joke writing, not so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's talk about it.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Honey, how long you been doing standup?

[Honey Donowitz]

Six months.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay, that's not bad. Not, not. It's not good, but it's not bad. Where you been doing it all in Austin?

[Honey Donowitz]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What made you want to start now?

[Honey Donowitz]

So I got cancer. And then after, after I was. Yeah, I have some moderately funny jokes about it though.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay.

[Honey Donowitz]

But after I got the all clear that I wasn't Going to have to go through more procedures and things. I went to creek in the cave just to see if it felt good. And I bombed there too, guys.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

So I did the open mic there.

[Honey Donowitz]

I did some mics there. Yeah, yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What kind of cancer did you have? Have. Is that okay? You want. You mind talking about it?

[Honey Donowitz]

Yeah, I mean, I talk about it on stage. I had cancer.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, cancer.

[Honey Donowitz]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

How exactly does one get cancer?

[Honey Donowitz]

Well, you see. Funny you should ask. Tampons are. They're made largely from recycled electronics. I do believe there's something there.

[Uncle Laser]

5G.

[Honey Donowitz]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Wow.

[Honey Donowitz]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Our senior tampon correspondent, Brian Redbam. Mashed potatoes, bacon, Mormons and tampons and buttholes. It's incredible.

[Honey Donowitz]

He gets it.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

So you were using, like, cheap tampons or.

[Jose Ayala]

No.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

How does it work?

[Honey Donowitz]

No, I was using, like, a name brand. And I'm not gonna say it because, like, I'm not that good at this yet. I can't get sued. But. But I was using a brand of tampons. And that's the only thing that certain doctors can tie to why women my age have to get new pussies.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

And they kind of tell you they're like, yeah, this happens with people that use these. Tampons. Tampons. So what. What would you recommend for the ladies out there with. With. Perfect.

[Honey Donowitz]

I'm gonna be.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What should they do?

[Honey Donowitz]

I'm gonna be super fro. Because I had the surgery in Texas. They made me keep my period, so I still use the tam. I don't know what else to use. Like, the cups are weird.

[Brian Redban]

No, the cups are great. You just pour it out. Pour it out in your.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my.

[Brian Redban]

In your garden. It helps the garden.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Red band. Red band.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Like, red band. You've tried the cup.

[Honey Donowitz]

Yeah. It freaked me out.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

It freaked you out? I don't. I don't even know what that's like.

[Honey Donowitz]

It's a cup. Yeah, you put it right. I don't.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay.

[Honey Donowitz]

Red bag.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Had definitely tell you when you say they operated on your.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What exactly did they do?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Can you. Can you describe exactly?

[Honey Donowitz]

So it's like this, right? Like, like a.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

A. Yeah.

[Honey Donowitz]

They took out the. The rounds.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is all new to me.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Are there balls attached or anything?

[Honey Donowitz]

Okay, understand this can be confusing. It's more comparative to an ass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

For you. Right?

[Honey Donowitz]

So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So there's a hole and, like.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

And originally there's like a little something there. You had a little something? Yeah, a little something peeking out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like a little.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Hello.

[Honey Donowitz]

I wouldn't say it Was speaking quite yet.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

It was more of like a. I'm a cancer.

[Honey Donowitz]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Like that.

[Honey Donowitz]

Damn near.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay, so then what did the. They do. What did they trim away or take out?

[Honey Donowitz]

Just like cut off a layer of it like the. And then just, like, put a new graft on.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Was it the outside?

[Honey Donowitz]

Sort of.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Kind of the inside, yeah. How far inside?

[Honey Donowitz]

Like an inch.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay, so perfect. So red band would have a brand new.

[Honey Donowitz]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

To.

[Brian Redban]

No. Do anything with the cauliflower thing in there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right, we're going to redband. Turn off your microphone.

[Honey Donowitz]

I don't, like, have to answer him, right?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What?

[Honey Donowitz]

I say I don't have to answer him.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

No, you don't have to answer him. He's just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's just here for the jokey jokes kind of. And the more groans and oohs and a.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Is his specialty. Okay, so did it hurt? Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, the cancer hurt.

[Honey Donowitz]

Not surprising. No, no, no.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

So how did you find out that you had cancer?

[Honey Donowitz]

Okay, so

[Brian Redban]

what stinks in here?

[Honey Donowitz]

No, I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red band. Red band. What did I. What did I tell you? That is out of line. This lady is a survivor. That is a crazy thing to say. I mean, it's what stanks in here. It's not right. This is the only young lady that's been on this show. And.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

And if you ask questions, if you say things like that, women aren't going to want us. Women with pussy cancer aren't going to

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

want to sign up for the show anymore. Did it stink?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Did your pussy stink?

[Honey Donowitz]

More than anything. That's cheap writing. I think. Honestly, no, it didn't stink, but I was doing, like, a little bit of, you know, activities, and I noticed that it was hurting more and. And things weren't stretching as they should or whatever.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah.

[Honey Donowitz]

So had to get that checked out.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You went to a gynecologist? Yeah, And I like she.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She.

[Honey Donowitz]

Oh, yeah.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's risky. You may not have had cancer. I mean, I just.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Female doctors.

[Honey Donowitz]

I've never met a man who could navigate a. So I think that the bets were on the girlies on that one.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

But have you ever done the lazy dog?

[Honey Donowitz]

I heard about it just now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did it with his ass.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay. So how long ago did you survive pussy cancer?

[Honey Donowitz]

So that was like a year and a half ago.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Fun fact, pussy cancer is my WI fi password at home.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

420.

[Honey Donowitz]

No, it's the first time I've heard

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

that year and a half ago.

[Honey Donowitz]

Wow.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

And then what's the first thing you did to celebrate not having pussy cancer? Anymore?

[Honey Donowitz]

No, like, literally, it was going to creek in the cave at 5:45pm and doing an open mic to seven guys who didn't think I was funny. What I did to celebrate, that's how I landed here.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Wow.

[Honey Donowitz]

That's a true story. And then I left my family and moved here full time to do this all the time.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Wait, what kind of family did you leave?

[Honey Donowitz]

Children, dog.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You left children?

[Honey Donowitz]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, my goodness.

[Honey Donowitz]

But it's okay. I was raising boys. They were going to get up by me anyway. Boy, moms are toxic. And I was raising white boys. They could be shooters. We are better this way.

[Ron White]

Wow.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You just came to life there when you've been kind of reserved this whole time, and then you talk about abandoning

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

your children and all of a sudden you're Forest Gump telling a whole story on a park bench.

[Honey Donowitz]

I do try to hide the accent a little bit. People think you're dumb if you're from here.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

No, yeah, totally. So how old are your kids?

[Honey Donowitz]

Well, I don't think we need to write that down.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

No, I'm just. I'm just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Fun fact.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm not writing it down.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I'm.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I just keep drawing over the word cancer because it's fun. It's something I do here.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Sometimes I just write over the same thing.

[Honey Donowitz]

Yeah, they're 12 and younger.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

12 and younger.

[Colin Sledge]

How many?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

When you say they, there's three of them. Okay, so where were you before exactly?

[Honey Donowitz]

San Antonio.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

San Antonio. So it's only an hour away.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're aware of that, right? It's literally a short drive. There's a buc ee's I visit, It's

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

a buc ee's halfway there.

[Honey Donowitz]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, doesn't that entice you to go see your kids?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Kids?

[Honey Donowitz]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Don't you go. You know, I could visit my three

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

kids and grab a bag of hot nuts on the way. Yeah. So when's the last time you saw your kids?

[Honey Donowitz]

Last week.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Wow. Okay. That's not that bad. No, it's pretty good.

[Honey Donowitz]

I'm a moderately decent mother.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay, when you say moderately decent, what exactly do you mean?

[Honey Donowitz]

I mean that I moved here to pursue comedy. But, like, I love my children and I raise them well. I help pay for therapy.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

How many of them are. How many of the three are in therapy?

[Honey Donowitz]

Eventually, all of them, but so far, one.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay. The oldest one.

[Honey Donowitz]

Yeah. Yeah, I think that's how it goes.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

All right. And they know about your cancer?

[Honey Donowitz]

God, no. But now they will, because you, too, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, red band. Do not. That is not the sound effect of her. For those of you listening, it is indeed a swarm of flies flying around.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

That is mommy, why your butt stink.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God. Red band.

[Ron White]

I'm a little bit confused here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, go ahead, Ron White.

[Ron White]

So you've only done one other set and that was at the creek of the cave?

[Honey Donowitz]

No, that's how it started. For the past four months, I have been like every single day doing these things. Yeah.

[Ron White]

Okay. And what was it that. And so you moved to Austin just to do stand up comedy?

[Honey Donowitz]

No, I have a day job. I. I'm not like living in my car or none of those like kind of things. I. I do work.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What do you do for work?

[Honey Donowitz]

I run a sign company.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah, what do you mean a sign company?

[Honey Donowitz]

We do like graphics and production for festivals and stuff. It's called Molten Productions.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay.

[Honey Donowitz]

We're pretty cool.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay. Does everyone that works there have a cancer or something? Are you guys like. How do you all know each other?

[Honey Donowitz]

Well, you know, I am the only woman there, so I am isolated in that. But everyone is aware of it.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Let me ask you one more question that I just thought of because you said you got a skin graft, right? So where did they take the skin from that's now on the first inch, the entry point of your pussy? I have to know where did they take the skin on your body from what is now the entryway to your pussy? This is like an interesting thing because no matter what, if someone puts their dick inside of that, they're going through like, what? Here we go.

[Honey Donowitz]

Just another part of my. I think that they understood how men might feel and they grafted from further inside the. So that it wouldn't be weird for any of the boys.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Wow. Yeah, that sounds painful.

[Ron White]

They didn't use your heel or anything?

[Honey Donowitz]

No, no, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yo, this smell like a foot.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yo, this got a stinky foot. Bu. Oh. Yo, why they a fingernail hanging out?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That. Could have been your ear or something. You could have heard the dick going in and out somehow, some type of phantom.

[Honey Donowitz]

If I had gotten a dick, they would have taken skin from my thigh. I did find that out in my research though.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

If you. What did your.

[Honey Donowitz]

What if I had gotten a dick instead of a new Right? Yes, because there's options on the table.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, I know.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I looked into.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was thinking about adding a dick. I was thinking about being too dick Tony over here, but Tony, Yeah, that was going to be my name. I had a big plan then they told me it would hurt, so I

[Honey Donowitz]

was out well, the hog science isn't there. It's only going to be, like, that big.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Let me ask you this. What's your. Like, what kind of guys are you into? What's it, the baby daddy? Is he an anomaly? Yeah. What race is he?

[Honey Donowitz]

White.

[William Montgomery]

White.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, geez.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You said it like a real racist.

[Honey Donowitz]

Well, okay, so here's the whole thing. Not a ton of the people I've slept with are white.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I can tell by the way you're shaped.

[Honey Donowitz]

And I knew that's what you wanted to get to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep, no doubt about it.

[Honey Donowitz]

So somebody told me to make that joke when I started comedy. They're like, if you get it out of the way, it saves everyone else the trouble.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

It's true.

[Honey Donowitz]

I helped you at least, right?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

No, I did it myself.

[Honey Donowitz]

I could have lied.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In honor of the guys that love

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

you, you're walking away with a big black joke book.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, Honey Donowitz has made her Kill Tony debut. Wow. All right, this is a long episode. We're doing one last bucket pull. We're gonna get it up and out of here real quick. D Madness is furious. Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket poll of the night. Goes by the name of Luke Rayboul, everyone. Luke Rabel.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Here we go.

[Luke Rayboul]

I got banned from a Mexican restaurant. There were no words on the menu, just pictures of the food. And I knew this was gonna be the best meal of my life. Eat it all, having a good time. And then I feel the rumbling. The gurgle. Guts are upon me. I stand up, and it is detonating.

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

Just

[Luke Rayboul]

make my way to the bathroom. I'm dilating. It is time for my metamorphosis. I get in there, I sit down, my butt sneezed. Worst crapping cry of my life. 30 minutes of farting and sobbing. Get up, push the handle. Nothing happens. Push the handle again. Nothing happens. Well, I need to tell someone about this. And based on that menu, they don't speak a lot of English, so I go, el bano.

[Uncle Laser]

El bano.

[Luke Rayboul]

This guy follows me in, I point to it, I push the handle, and down it goes. I invited this poor immigrant to attend a funeral for my shit. Thank you.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Lou Grable. Welcome. I'm gonna make this quick because we're in overtime. How long you been doing standup?

[Luke Rayboul]

Six months.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Six months. What do you do for work?

[Luke Rayboul]

I work full time at a grocery store.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay. Nice. Yeah, I notice you say grocery store. It's not hb, or else you would probably say that because you'd be proud of that. Right.

[Luke Rayboul]

It's related to hb.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Whoa, a lot of winks there.

[Luke Rayboul]

Yes.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What does that mean exactly?

[Luke Rayboul]

It means it rhymes with pentral carcat, but I don't know if I can say it online.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, all right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cameron Ilig]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

How about that? What do you do at the grocery store?

[Luke Rayboul]

I work in their cafe area. So the people come in, they tell me what they want to eat, I hit a touch screen, line cooks make it, I hand it to them, and I smile like a good little chick. Fil. A manager the whole time.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay. Yeah. Do you work hard or are you a little lazy dog?

[Luke Rayboul]

I have such a guilty conscience.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Luke Rayboul]

Like, if I'm not doing something, I feel like, well, they hate me now. So we're gonna go out there and we're gonna make these people write me into their will if I have my way.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okey dokey. What made you want to start stand up six months ago? How old are you?

[Luke Rayboul]

I am 27.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

27. What made you want to start now?

[Luke Rayboul]

Well, I moved here from Maryland and grew up in Frostburg, so, like, very small population. And there was a small theater there, and my friend was on the board of directors, and he said, hey, I know you like doing stand up. Would you be interested in doing a show here? And I said, sure. How long do you need? And he said, well, we need to justify opening the bar. So if you can make it about 45 minutes, that'd help us a lot.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

And you had never done stand up before?

[Luke Rayboul]

I did it when I was 17 for, like, a few minutes at a church picnic.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Wow. Okay, so no, perfect.

[Luke Rayboul]

Pretty much, yeah. So I timed out everything I had, and I said, hey, I got two hours. Let's make it happen. So went up there, did a two hour set. It sold out. So I had 100 people in there because everyone's desperate for entertainment.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

How did you sell it out? You just go, I'm doing stand up.

[Luke Rayboul]

Just put it on Facebook. And it was kind of like, I know this person who knows this person who knows that person. Like, everyone.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Frostburg.

[Luke Rayboul]

Yeah, everyone's a third cousin.

[Cameron Ilig]

Okay.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

And then how did that go?

[Luke Rayboul]

Well, it went really well. They were laughing the whole time. We sold out of the alcohol. During the intermission, I wore a Hawaiian shirt and I wore this hat.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Wow, that is a wacky hat. There's a back to it. Turn around so that people can see.

[Luke Rayboul]

It's the assless chaps of hats.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay. Is that one of your jokes? You do that once in a while.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you were doing a two hour

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

set Would you do that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay.

[Uncle Laser]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the craziest thing about your life

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

before I get you out of here? The thing that you think makes you different than anybody that's ever been on the show? Something perhaps from your childhood? Your family? Anything at all?

[Luke Rayboul]

Based on what I've seen of the show thus far, I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that's engaged.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay. You're engaged right now?

[Luke Rayboul]

Yes, I am.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay. Where'd you meet this girl?

[Luke Rayboul]

She was a setup from a mutual friend. I met her in an abandoned parking lot at 9pm last night. Not a little over a year ago.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay. Yeah, 9pm was very specific.

[Luke Rayboul]

It was dark.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh.

[Ron White]

And it's not more specific than an abandoned parking lot.

[Luke Rayboul]

There used to be a high school there, but they demolished it for some reason.

[Ron White]

Yeah, I don't care.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What happened when you met her at

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

that parking lot that night, Luke?

[Luke Rayboul]

Well, my friend didn't tell me what she looked like. She didn't send me a picture. So she got out of the car and I thought, okay, not bad for a silhouette. I wonder what this girl's gonna look like. So she came over. We started walking around this vacant lot talking for a little bit. She said she wanted to race me. So both of us take off running. She fell flat on her face. I thought, oh, my God. My God, I'm gonna marry this girl, aren't I?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Wow.

[Ron White]

Is that one of the jokes you did in that two hours?

[Luke Rayboul]

No, that was before I met her.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Oh, wow. Amazing. Okay, Luke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Did you guys in that parking lot that night?

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

No.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You just kissed?

[Luke Rayboul]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Nice. Here you go, Luke. There you go.

[Luke Rayboul]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. There goes Luke Grable, everybody. Yeah, I tried to get one more up here and make it interesting.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You're a sweet boy, Luke. Sign up again sometime. There you go. There he goes. Luke Rapel everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you could have told me that

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

it would be hard, I would have guessed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was the Mormon guy, right?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah. We just raced on our first date in an abandoned parking lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I gotta tell you, William has been sick the last couple weeks, but he's back. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the hall of Famer with the record for all time appearances and interviews on this show. The Vanilla Gorilla. The Memphis Strangler. This is the return of William Montgomery.

[William Montgomery]

I met her in a dark parking lot and I fell in love with her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I killed her in the parking lot.

[William Montgomery]

Scientists have developed a way for people with severe lung problems to breathe in and out through their butt.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Red band I could see that you are doing that right now with your second ass, bitch.

[William Montgomery]

I went out to the Middle east to perform for the troops. And it's crazy because I had no idea I had such a big following in the Taliban. One time in Chicago, some guy gave me aids. My buddy has a foot. My buddy has a foot fetish. And for Halloween he dressed up as Quentin Tarantino. He went to a Halloween party and there was a girl dressed up as Bigfoot and she ended up pressing charges because he wouldn't leave her alone.

[Cameron Ilig]

Okay.

[Carter Fan Cutcher]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What a relief to have William Montgomery back. The big red machine is fully operational yet again.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You've been out for a few weeks.

[William Montgomery]

I was very sick at. Tony. It's actually very sad because I messed up my sciatic nerve again. So I haven't been able to row for five days. So I'm. We'll see what happens.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

But you love your row machine. You've rode many miles almost around the world.

[William Montgomery]

People are saying, yeah, that's 1400 miles. Yes, I've been almost around the world almost around the world this year. 1400 miles. Google it, whatever. It's around the world. The circumference of the earth. 1400 miles. I've done it on the row machine, so it is pretty impressive. I think that's why I messed up my sciatic nerve. I almost got it into the 38 minute time period this past week and I was almost there. In my last stroke I pulled. I just did it really hard and then I felt it. Something pop in my back and I got up and tried to stretch and I felt woozy and it's real hurt. So amazing.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

And that was recent. That was in the last.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, that was Thursday.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Thursday. But you were out two Mondays in a row. Tell us about this little ailment that you had.

[William Montgomery]

God, Tony. I mean it was. I was coughing, I was coughing a bunch of stuff up. I was real sick. And Tony, if I'm gonna be honest with you, I was. I was pretty sick. But I was also. Every now and again I'm just not feeling very funny and I hadn't been feel. I wasn't feeling funny and I. And now my sciatic nerves all fucked up and I'm telling everybody I got fucking AIDS up in fucking Chicago. I mean it was literally a couple of weeks ago some dude fucking gives me AIDS up in Chicago, whatever. So that really isn't helping any of the serious. Seriously, Ron. I mean it's bad. And my fucking sciatic nerve hurts.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

And red band looks as stupid as Ever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In those glass.

[William Montgomery]

In those plastic looking clown glasses that you wear. What are those things? They look real plasticky and cheap and stupid. What are those?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah, what are those?

[Brian Redban]

They're glasses.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

They're glasses.

[William Montgomery]

God, you always sound like a monster to me. But, Tony, I did my longest set last night in Louisville, Kentucky. I did 56 minutes. It's the longest I've ever done. I never done that. It was also in front of maybe the smallest crowd. I've done comedy in front of him in a while. It was probably 30 people or something. But, Tony, I felt real comfortable. So I gotta figure that out. I gotta figure out how to get that comfortable in front of any size crowd. Because I was. I was. Felt good. Yeah. 56 minutes. Four more minutes and I would have hit an hour.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

But wow.

[Brian Redban]

Maybe someday, you know, Tony, there was a personal trainer here last week, and he wanted to talk to you really bad because he said that the rowing that you're doing is really bad for your health, actually.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah, okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you mean?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I don't know.

[Brian Redban]

He was saying something like, it's really bad.

[William Montgomery]

So what? He wants me to turn out like you're fat, man, like he said. I mean, you could die soon, you. You idiot. So what, I need to just stop doing the row machine? You nasty person. Seriously. Shut up, dumbass. That's part of the reason I start feeling kind of sick. And I think, God, I'm gonna see Red Band's stupid ass up there. And I swear to God, it tips the scale for me not wanting to be here. I swear to God. I swear to God. Red Band, it tips the scale just so much. Like if I'm kind of feeling sick and then I'm thinking about your stupid ass, I think, think, no way. And then I have to call Tony and it's awkward, but it's because of you. Red Band, wow.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

You know, a little fun fact is that. That. Oh, he's a thinking man over here. Poopy butthole. Mashed potatoes. All right, so a fun fact about the first two weeks ago when you called out sick for the first time is I believe it was Michael Gonzalez or somebody sent us a picture of you post workout that day, which we found interesting. So it kind of.

[William Montgomery]

I know.

[Ron White]

I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My.

[William Montgomery]

I'm. God, I was.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I was worried.

[William Montgomery]

I was thinking, tony's caught my ass.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Yeah, I did. Because people are like, I don't know why he's sick. Check out this picture of him earlier. And it's crazy because when we met William, I mean, holy. He was so bloated and so.

[William Montgomery]

It was seven years ago.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I swear to God.

[William Montgomery]

It's almost been seven years. I've been doing this, like this week or last week or something. Seven years.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

And I saw this picture of you and you're ripped. Would it be too much?

[Ron White]

No, no, no, no.

[William Montgomery]

I'm not doing. I don't. I'm on two hours of sleep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The abs are unbelievable. You don't have those abs. No, don't he.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Okay, it's them. They want it. I was on two hours of sleep.

[William Montgomery]

No, I don't feel good. I still don't feel good. I'm on two hours of sleep.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Why do you. Why did you only have two hours of sleep?

[William Montgomery]

Because my flight back to Austin was so early. I always try to get on back to Austin and then I just stay up. It was the. I was up there 56 minutes. I was so pumped after that, so I stayed awake for hours.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What did you do? What did somebody say?

[Tomek Kolecki]

Boo.

[William Montgomery]

God.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What did you do when you were awake all night? What do you. Do you want.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just on your phone or do you do something in bed?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Do you count sheep?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

People want to know. These people have been watching you for almost seven years. Every week they see you and they want to know, what does a guy like William do while he's laying in bed? We've talked about everything. We've talked about your favorite board games, your favorite puzzles, your favorite snacks, your favorite vegetables. We've covered it all.

[William Montgomery]

Oh, my God, Tony, you know what offended me the other day when you were just talking like that to me? Somebody. I'm talking to somebody up where we do that, where I do the workout stuff. And I'm talking to this guy and we're having just this regular conversation, and out of nowhere he says, do you have a learning disability?

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Hell, yeah, he does.

[William Montgomery]

And I just walked away.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

What would make him ask a question like that?

[William Montgomery]

I don't know. I don't know. I've been doing self reflecting. I don't know. Do I have a learning disability, Tony? I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red Bands nodding is. Of course he does.

[William Montgomery]

What would you think I am?

[Brian Redban]

Because you can't show your abs because you're tired. Your abs are tired. You can't show your abs right now.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Just be weird.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is if. Would it. Let me ask you this. Would it make you feel better if Red Band showed his abs first? Look at the. Look at the little giggler over here. Come on. Look, Troy's got his camera out. This is going to be A magical moment. Red band. Red band. Red band. Red.

[Fuzzy]

B.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The crowd wants it.

[William Montgomery]

Red band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red.

[William Montgomery]

No, stand next to me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Stand next to me. Strong with you, man. Stand next to him.

[William Montgomery]

Stand next to me then.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on, Red band. Come on.

[Honey Donowitz]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

I don't want you either.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It can't be worse than what we already have in our imaginations of what your abs would look like.

[Brian Redban]

No, I'm unshaven right now. Maybe if I deep.

[William Montgomery]

You think that matters?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know if that's better or worse.

[William Montgomery]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at that.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Can you just show me a little

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

bit from under the table?

[Fuzzy]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dude, you might have cancer, bro.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

All right, William.

[William Montgomery]

So nice to be back.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Tony, we are so happy that you're back off of two hours of sleep. And yet you did it again. Unbelievable material. Sneaky little deliveries and treats. The Chicago AIDS thing in the middle, I love. Just a funny setup and on to the next one.

[William Montgomery]

You hoping that was gonna work? Because if. If I couldn't get the beginning part, then I was just thinking there are times where then it just snowballs and nobody's laughing at any of it. But it was so fun tonight, Tony. Thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Everybody loves William Montgomery. And you did it again, William. Go see him on tour. He's doing his longest sets. The baby boy is all grown up. The hall of famer William Montgomery. The drawing from Ryan J. E belt is in. And it's awesome. It's Ron White. That is cool. As.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

Let's see what the local artist Chris

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Rogers drew up to tonight. Oh, is that Davitel? Yeah, another one of the goats. Davitel. One of the best in the world, if not the. Along with the great Ron White, ladies and gentlemen. Catch him on tour every once in a great while. Lucky Oklahoma has them on New Year's eve. [e-mail] I'll say it again. Ron started this gangster in Austin, Texas. This. And it's gonna be written about in history books. People are making YouTube documentaries, from what I understand about Austin, every day. So that's a. That's a thing. We're having a blast here. Ron White and then Joe Rogan, Tony Segura, Christina P. Duncan Trussell, Shane Gillis, Matt McCusker. It goes on and on. Like, it's absolutely crazy. The amount of talent that is here all the time. It's unbelievable. And now you got your Dedrick Flynn added to the mix. It's so exciting to watch everything happen in real time. Shout out to Marcus King. Who joined the band all night tonight. One more time. His brand new album, Darling Blue is unbelievable. I have a copy of it. It's on my vinyl record player right now. It is unbelievable. Thank you to Sean Greenberg and the rest of the best damn band in the land. Red band.

[Brian Redban]

Check out the Sunset Strip atx.com I love you guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very few tickets left for New Year's Eve at the Moody Center. We hear you. People say, I try to get tickets all the time. But you can't get tickets. So you can get tickets for New Year's Eve. Why spend it anywhere else? Come to Austin, Texas, the capital of bars per capita. The live music capital of the world. The live comedy capital of the world. We love you. Thank you. Good night. Thank you.

[Kill Tony Announcer/Host]

The sunset strip comedy club in austin, texas is now open.

[Honey Donowitz]

Check out red band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunset strip atx for tickets.