#754 - RICK INGRAHAM + BERT KREISCHER

Summary

Kill Tony #754 - RICK INGRAHAM + BERT KREISCHER

Date: February 3, 2026
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, Texas
Hosts: Tony Hinchcliffe & Brian Redban
Guests: Rick Ingram & Bert Kreischer
Special Regulars: Hans Kim, Dedrick Flynn, Angel Diaz (Golden Ticket winner), Martin Phillips

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Episode Overview

This raucous, jam-packed episode of Kill Tony features heavyweight comedians Rick Ingram and Bert Kreischer as special guests. Filmed at the Comedy Mothership in Austin, Texas, the show brings the weekly chaos: aspiring and established comedians from a sign-up bucket each get one minute to perform, after which the hosts and guests interview, roast, and riff with them.

The episode stands out for the return of regulars (including an unforgettable debut from Angel Diaz as a new golden ticket winner), hilarious recurring bits, and a crowd that alternates between incredulous laughter and stunned silence. Bert and Rick bring huge energy, and the show’s off-the-cuff interviews produce some of the most memorable and bizarre moments in recent memory.

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Key Segments and Discussion Points

1. Show Kickoff: New Specials & Nostalgia

Timestamps: 00:44 – 04:15

• Tony and Redban hype up the band and the guests.
• Bert Kreischer plugs his Netflix special Free Bert; Rick Ingram is introduced as the guest on the very first episode of Kill Tony.
• “Fun fact... Rick was the guest on episode one of Kill Tony… before it even had its name. It was called Hinchcliffe’s Notes.” – Tony (03:36)
• Brief roasts about the show’s original titles and inside references to Redban’s storied podcasting career.

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2. Hans Kim’s Set & Interview—On ICE, Mushrooms, and Solo Camping

Timestamps: 06:11 – 12:32

• Hans opens joking about ICE, both immigration enforcement and literal ice, commenting on racial angles and gun competitions.
• The hosts and Bert riff at length on Asians as “the most racist people,” referencing infamous controversies.
• Hans reveals he went solo camping at Big Bend, tripped alone on mushrooms, and (awkwardly) admits to jerking off once in the freezing woods.

Notable Quote:

• "It was like Helen Keller out there... just high as shit, his eyes are closed, he’s looking for his dick..." – Bert Kreischer (09:39)
• "Serial killer." – Brian Redban, on Hans camping alone (09:14)

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3. Bucket Pulls: Rapid Fire Stand-Up & Interviews

Big Vinnie – Fat Jokes, Chicken Salad, and Sports Cards

Timestamps: 12:32 – 21:14

• Heavy on bread and Ozempic jokes, Vinnie describes his journey across states for stand-up and details his daily meals.
• Reveals he collects and sells sports/Pokémon cards for a living, including a wild story about a single mom selling her son’s rare cards for rent money.

Notable Quotes:

• "You’re way more passionate about your chicken salad sandwiches than your comedy." – Bert Kreischer (16:21)
• "Healthy advice from Big Vinnie... this is not good." – Tony (15:11)

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Greg Bergman – Penis Implant Chronicles

Timestamps: 22:51 – 36:20

• Delivers edgy material about dating and a “biggest dick in Austin” bit that turns serious: he reveals an actual girth-increasing penis implant and discusses his documentary, Big Like Me.
• The panel physically reacts to his stories, even measuring Bert’s wrist for comparison; much debate about proportions, performance, and the procedure’s Mexican and Brazilian roots.

Notable Quotes:

• "I’m hung like a hockey puck... like a couple cans of tuna stacked on top of one another, but not that cheap bumblebee shit. That solid white meat." – Greg (23:29)
• "You gotta close with the dick. You can’t open with it, cause I can’t stop looking at your dick." – Bert (26:30)
• "It’s like Pinocchio during COVID wearing a mask." – Bert, on Greg’s bulging pants (35:38)

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Eleazar Guzman – Left-Handed Fingering, Jehovah’s Witness Childhood

Timestamps: 37:07 – 46:26

• Newer material about technology, being a chef (really a burger cook), and awkward sexual experiences post-scooter injury.
• Shares his Peruvian/Jewish/Puerto Rican background; opens up about being raised as a Jehovah’s Witness, never celebrating birthdays until age 17, and a lost childhood due to religious rules.

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Sharon Ruth Hensley – Dick Pics, Anxiety, and Statute of Limitations

Timestamps: 47:01 – 54:00

• Attempts to crowdsource better male behavior, requesting detailed “legal” dick pics.
• Veers into storytelling and legal tangents, referencing past brushes with the law and performing with anxiety.
• The panel is both sympathetic and exasperated with her nervous delivery and lengthy explanations.

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4. Dedrick Flynn: Greyhound Bus Surrealism

Timestamps: 54:52 – 63:04

• Dedrick kills with a story about having his wallet stolen (by a limbless passenger using toes!) on a Greyhound, and why he always rides with a gun.
• Bert adds his own bus stories; the segment becomes a showcase in world-class comedic storytelling.

Notable Quotes:

• "[Greyhound] is an apocalypse. Like, when the nukes drop... that’s where everybody meets." – Dedrick (57:34)

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5. Comics Rapid-Fire: The Back Half

Zach Townsend – Guns, Kids, Sobriety

Timestamps: 64:04 – 70:44

• Nashville comic with sharp jokes about guns and children equivalence; recently opened for Bert Kreischer.
• Candid about his sobriety journey, last wild night involving wine, coke, ketamine, and babies.
• Reveals fiancée works for the government.

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Angel Diaz – Comic Energy, Petty Crime, Movie Synopses

Timestamps: 71:41 – 99:19 (incl. encore with Andrew Low)

• Absolute breakout of the night. Angel brings wild, kinetic energy, slapping his own butt repeatedly and riffing on crowd reactions.
• Admits to stealing (mostly “bounty” paper towels and spray paint), facing an open case for graffiti, and his struggle finding housing.
• Interview gold: dry confessions about work, relationships, and his favorite movies (Talladega Nights, Forrest Gump, Oppenheimer), all delivered with hilariously muddled retellings.

Notable Quotes:

• "Yo, give it up for stealing." (74:05)
• "My favorite movie is the Tallahaga Knights." (86:44)
• "He was kind of a little stupid... but somehow he was there for everything, you know?" – on Forrest Gump (88:22)
• "Can I play the double keyboard?" (97:32, when asked if he knows any instruments)
• Tony awards Angel a “golden ticket” for his sheer presence and spontaneity.

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Andrew Low – Hyde from That 70s Show, Coinstar Bit (w/ Angel Diaz Reaction)

Timestamps: 91:08 – 99:58

• Attempts dark humor about Hyde (Danny Masterson) and Coinstar machines.
• Tony brings Angel Diaz back to review/translate Andrew’s set, resulting in gut-busting, brutally honest commentary ("Yo, this guy is broke as...").

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Spencer Boone – Tramp Stamps & Horror Shop Life

Timestamps: 101:02 – 109:22

• Jokes about his mother’s late-life tramp stamp and his affinity for hot dogs and cartoons.
• Works at a rock/horror movie shop, describes clientele as mostly “dudes with autism” and families “passing it down.”
• Details dating both goth girls and Latinas in Texas; fielded classic Bert & Redban riffing.

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Martin Phillips – Awkward Genius

Timestamps: 111:39 – 117:13

• Golden ticket closer Martin blends physical comedy (stand-up on “ice”) with awkward, self-deprecating dating and lube routines.
• Panel riffs: “You have the sweater of Bill Cosby and the movement of a lady who just got a drink from him.” – Tony (113:22)

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6. Memorable Quotes & Moments

• "It is like, I thought Bert was gonna say, when you come out on stage, just pull it out and do your whole set with your dick hanging out." – Tony to Greg Bergman (26:38)
• "He looks like he has one of those steakhouse baked potatoes in his pants… fully loaded with sour cream, chives, bacon..." – Tony, about Greg’s penis implant (35:43)
• "You better hope nobody's barefoot." – Angel Diaz (83:19, and several times; fast becoming a catchphrase)

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7. Special Calls to Action & Plugs

• Rick Ingram’s special, Crowd Pleaser, on The Comedy Store YouTube.
• Bert Kreischer's Netflix special Free Bert.
• Angel Diaz given a "golden ticket"—will be a recurring act.

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8. Episode Tone & Energy

Classic Kill Tony, equal parts ruthless roast, improvisational absurdity, crowd work, and poignant glimpses into the real lives of struggling comics. Fast-paced, unfiltered, and often brimming with sympathetic humor just beneath the brutal punchlines.

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9. Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:44 – Tony/Band/Intros
• 03:08 – Bert’s “storm” riff, nostalgia for early Kill Tony
• 06:11 – Hans Kim set + interview
• 12:32 – Big Vinnie
• 22:51 – Greg Bergman (Penis Implant saga)
• 37:07 – Eleazar Guzman (“Left Hand” bit, JW stories)
• 47:01 – Sharon Ruth Hensley (“Dick pic” bits)
• 54:52 – Dedrick Flynn (“Stolen by a limbless man” bit)
• 64:04 – Zach Townsend (opening for Bert, sobriety tales)
• 71:41 – Angel Diaz (comic chaos, interviews, movie synopses)
• 91:08 – Andrew Low / Angel Diaz review
• 101:02 – Spencer Boone (tramp stamp/goth girls)
• 111:39 – Martin Phillips ("sweater of Cosby, movement of a lady he roofied")

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10. Essential Takeaways

• Angel Diaz is an instant comic wildcard—his riffs, movie retellings, and “allegedly” refrain are the stand-out highlight.
• Greg Bergman's wild honesty about body modification makes for a segment that's equally hilarious and jaw-dropping.
• Bert Kreischer and Rick Ingram add high-wire energy, drawing out the best (and most bizarre) from the bucket comics.
• The regulars (Hans, Dedrick, Martin) keep the tone unpredictable; many heartfelt, real-life details emerge in the fray.
• The episode cycles between hard-hitting roasts, real insight, and absurd spectacle—the perfect slice of Kill Tony’s enduring appeal.

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11. Not To Miss

• Angel Diaz’s golden ticket award/interview (71:41 – 99:19)
• Greg Bergman's penis implant segment (22:51 – 36:20)
• Dedrick Flynn’s Greyhound bus saga (54:52 – 63:04)

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For fans and newcomers alike, this episode is an all-timer—funny, weird, chaotic, and surprisingly touching at moments.

Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening

[Brian Redban]

to the Death Squad podcast network.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out Shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever, Shopsquad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas,

[Bert Kreischer]

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Give it up for Tony. Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? Brian Red Danley. Oh, my God. How about one more time for the best damn band in all the land, everybody. Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande. We have the great Dave Cher playing guitar for us here tonight. John D's on the keys and that's D Madness on the bass guitar, everybody. They have the new Kill Tony band on YouTube and their hit single Pandemonium is available everywhere. This episode of the number one live podcast in the world is brought to you by Quo Ziprecruiter and Shopify. How you guys feeling tonight? Good. Feels good in here. Feels real good. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. We live in Austin, Texas, but we are jumping in a tour bus, ladies and gentlemen, and we are taking the actual Kill Tony show to Houston, Texas, February 28th and Dallas March 28th. Go to tonyhinchcliffe.com for tickets right now. Come see an actual Kill Tony show in the great state of Texas. One in Houston, February 28th. One in Grand Prairie, March 28th. Tonyhinchcliffe.com get tickets now. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? We are braving the freezing weather and what a warm hot show I have for ladies and gentlemen, two of the biggest comedians in the world, two of the funniest human beings on planet Earth. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you two of my favorites. Make some fucking noise for Bert Kreischer and Rick Ingram. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Rick Acre.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Sir Kreischer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's fucking go. Yeah, buddy. Hi, buddy. Free Bert is out now on Netflix. It is one of the top shows on planet Earth. Welcome back, Bird Kreischer.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's good to be here. I've been here all week and I will be here all week because of this goddamn storm. Tony, how many mistranslations do you think happened in kitchens this Thursday before the storm came in? They were like, hey, ice is coming. And they're like, oh, fuck. Thank you. No doubt that joke's dead after a week, so I might as well get it.

[Brian Redban]

Work out that double entendre while you can.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly. Rick Ingram's new special crowd pleaser is out on The Comedy Store YouTube now. Rick is one of the funniest human beings on planet Earth. Rick was the guest. Fun fact for those of you that consider yourself Kill Tony fans, Rick was the guest on episode one of Kill Tony. Wow. Before it even had its name, it was called Hinchcliffe's Notes with an apostrophe.

[Brian Redban]

There's a lot of people who. Who said that my presence on Hinchcliffe Notes is what made Kill Tony necessary.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's true. It got the pilot picked up for episode two. We renamed it, and the rest is history.

[Bert Kreischer]

What other names were in the running?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was another one.

[Bert Kreischer]

Brian Redband's second podcast.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, second. It was like his ninth at the time.

[Bert Kreischer]

The Brian Redban Experience.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. And now I'm the only person left stuck working with him. So it's funny how these things turn out.

[Bert Kreischer]

The privilege.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, what an amazing privilege it is. We love him. How about a hand for Red Band, everybody? I mean, just adorable. Yeah, he had to lint roll the cat hair off of him earlier. He said, quote, the cat slept on my shirt. This is my business partner, everybody. You guys know how the show works. Over 300 human beings signed up for the opportunity to be on tonight's show. They're all stacked on top of each other in an unbelievably disgusting bar next door, hoping and praying that. That they get pulled out of this bucket. I'm going to let the corpse of JonBenet Ramsey pick the first name out of the bucket. Congratulations.

[Brian Redban]

I can't believe she's here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's amazing the people that travel here for this show. It's absolutely incredible.

[Bert Kreischer]

Still just as hot as she was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So while we go, brother's not here. Well, we go wrangle that first comedian, and you guys know how it works. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up, and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. He's very angry tonight. Even though he likes the cold weather, he's very, very angry. While we go wrangle that first comedian, we have a special treat for you guys to Start tonight's show a regular who we haven't seen in quite some time, a master of the interview portion of the show, and the great return of the one and only. Ladies and gentlemen, if you know the words, sing along. This is Han's.

[Angel Diaz]

Hey.

[Hans Kim]

Hope you guys are staying warm, you know, driving safe. There's a lot of ice on the road. And not just the good kind, not just the brave men and women who are trying to make sure these sexy Latinas don't suck our cocks,

[Greg Bergman]

but the

[Hans Kim]

bad kind that enters your home without a warrant. My only problem with ICE is that they're going after every minority group except black people. I mean, you're trying to reduce crime. You're just giving them more room to breathe. But I understand. Can you imagine the shape you have to be in to deport black people? Yeah, I'm actually training for the three gun competition right now. That's where you shoot a pistol, a rifle, and a shotgun in under three minutes, just in case I get carjacked at an antifa rally and a flock of quail fly by. All right, that's my time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you so much. All right, Hans Kim, here we go. Bert, you grabbed that mic quick.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I didn't mean to. I. I just. You know, I haven't been able to laugh at this whole ICE situation, so it was nice that you brought levity to it.

[Hans Kim]

Thank you.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm kidding. I've been laughing all weekend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hans, Fun set. I agree with almost everything that you said. I didn't understand the three gun competition thing at the end. Is that a thing that happens?

[Hans Kim]

Yeah, that's a type of gun competition. It's just where you shit around with the boys.

[Brian Redban]

It felt like a very specific type of racism that only he knows about. But he is Asian, so that's the highest level of racist.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true. Not a lot of people know this. Asians are the most racist people. I thought people knew that when I made fun of an Asian back in 2021. Turns out nobody fucking knew it somehow or everybody forgot it all at once. And I got in big trouble, and I needed to find an Asian to come in and be my token, as

[Bert Kreischer]

this wasn't the Asian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, that's the Asian that I got to replace. The old Asian. Huh?

[Brian Redban]

Is it racist that we both thought he was the Asian that you were talking about?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it worked.

[Brian Redban]

I was like, there's no way Tony ever went for two.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, only one can replace the other. He was the Yao to my Ming, so it worked amazingly. Your Life is good, right, Hans?

[Hans Kim]

Yeah, of course. It's amazing. Yeah, I'm doing great. Yeah, I'm. I went camping recently in Big Bend. Just out there by myself, just enjoying the Texas countryside, you know, just soaking it in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah, you went by yourself?

[Brian Redban]

Serial killer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah, it's like meditative, you know, getting to know myself. Just thinking a lot about my life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And. Were you on your phone out there?

[Greg Bergman]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. So meditative. What else did you do while camping, Hans?

[Hans Kim]

I smoked a joint, you know, did some mushrooms.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

By yourself?

[Hans Kim]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dangerous, those eyes close. All the way out in the woods by yourself. Just like Helen Keller, like.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Ah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Or Helen Keller.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is correct. I love it. So, Hans, how long were you camping out there by yourself for?

[Hans Kim]

Four days, three nights.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Hans Kim]

Myself.

[Brian Redban]

How often are you jerking off in this situation?

[Hans Kim]

It's actually really cold, so it kind of.

[Bert Kreischer]

He couldn't find it. His eyes are closed. He's got chopsticks down there going like. I don't know. Keep telling me more about this camping trip.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you didn't jerk off at all four days?

[Hans Kim]

I did once.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you explain to us how that went down exactly?

[Brian Redban]

Could you imagine you're hiking through the Texas woods and you come across what at first you assume is a Sasquatch, only to find out that it's a Asian guy masturbating on mushrooms. You expect that in Oklahoma. You don't expect that here.

[Bert Kreischer]

And the best part is he can't see you. So you and your family just circle around him and wait till he's done. He's high as shit, his eyes are closed, he's looking for his dick, and your youngest is, like, in between your legs. I want to hear more about camping.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah, I had a great time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Hans Kim]

Hans.

[Brian Redban]

Why was he away for a while?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why by yourself also?

[Hans Kim]

Guess it's easier to jerk off that way.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Be weird with four kids.

[Bert Kreischer]

I brought you guys out here to watch me get high and jerk off.

[Brian Redban]

This is what friends do, I thought.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you see anybody else out there when you were camping? Were there other people?

[Hans Kim]

I saw a bunch of dudes just camping. They were like tactical men.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, were they with each other? Was. They were following the general rule if it's not as creepy if there's more than one.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah, they were. Yeah. A proud boy of men.

[Bert Kreischer]

Four dudes in tactical gear come upon an Asian in the woods, and they're like, you want to go old school and hunt him?

[Brian Redban]

A lot of Charlie references.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

We used to fight Asians. Millennials.

[Hans Kim]

You will again soon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Hansi boy. All right, Hans. Another great new set. You got the show started for us. Thank you so much, Kim, everybody.

[Zach Townsend]

Great job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And now we rotate over to the Deer Insane Bucket of Destiny, where we actually meet people. Anything can happen. Make some noise for your first bucket poll. It's Big Vinnie, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go.

[Big Vinnie]

I haven't had a chance to get medicated yet tonight. Does anybody have a spare Ozempic they could throw up on stage? I could really use that shit. Has anybody in here ever gone fat splashing before? I'm sorry. That's what I call skinny dipping. I used to date this Latina. She would make me drive her really far to try new restaurants. The reason she broke up with me, she found out her name in my phone was Torta the Explorer. Yeah, that fucked me up. That was hard. It was even rougher that I had her aunt in my phone as Tortilla. All right, guys. That's been my time with Big Vinny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Big Vinny. It's even in his name, folks. His entire identity is his weight. Meanwhile, he's the third fattest guy up here right now.

[Big Vinnie]

I lost.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sorry, bird.

[Brian Redban]

We know those jokes in L. A.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We know Red bands number one, Bert number two, and Medium Vinnie here doing nothing but Ozempic and fat jokes.

[Big Vinnie]

So, yeah, slightly less Big Vinnie is what I've been going by on the street there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm kidding, Bert. You're not that fat. But you seem like you got a little different.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm on manjaro. I lost 40 pounds. I blood in the morning. Are you really on DLP1?

[Big Vinnie]

No drugs for me. Just running and eating right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, I'm a cheater. I get it. You

[Brian Redban]

eating right, he says, just did a minute of Fat Joe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

What have you eaten today? What? What food have you consumed since this morning?

[Big Vinnie]

I just had only.

[Bert Kreischer]

Today.

[Big Vinnie]

I really only had a chicken salad sandwich I made myself, so.

[Eleazar Guzman]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you put grapes in it? But Grapes in it?

[Big Vinnie]

No, that's. There's a lot of sugar and grapes is bad for you, Bert.

[Angel Diaz]

Okay.

[Greg Bergman]

Damn.

[Brian Redban]

Jesus.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Getting health advice from Big Vinny. The first bucket pool. This is not good.

[Brian Redban]

Gets accused of not being fat, and he's like, I better start telling people how to be healthy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So tell us exactly how you made the chicken salad, then give us your recipe, Big Vinnie.

[Big Vinnie]

I had half a rotisserie chicken left for me.

[Brian Redban]

Wow, Rotisserie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The other half was dinner last night.

[Big Vinnie]

Yep.

[Angel Diaz]

Correct.

[Big Vinnie]

So I pulled it apart and threw some mayo on there. You know, a little bit of onion Some garlic powder, some salt, like that. Then I threw some bolillo or whatever they call it from heb in the oven.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is that last thing?

[Big Vinnie]

A bolillo. Do you guys know what that is? Yeah, it's a little, like, bread roll they make. It's because they don't have, like, fresh baked bread here in Texas. They don't have, like, like, like, I mean, like, delis that I'm used to. I'm used to paninis and like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you. Where are you from?

[Bert Kreischer]

New York.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Big Vinnie]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You live here now or you kidding?

[Big Vinnie]

No, I live here. I've been living here the past year.

[Zach Townsend]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Big Vinnie]

Got healthy here.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I make a note? You're way more passionate about your chicken salad sandwiches than you are your comedy. Yeah, like, you get really into these chicken salad sandwiches.

[Eleazar Guzman]

No, I'm.

[Bert Kreischer]

I do comedy almost every goddamn.

[Brian Redban]

There was no part of the comedy where he gave, like, a little sprinkle of comedy. But he wanted to make sure you guys knew that he wasn't just fucking salt shaker.

[Big Vinnie]

And I move around more when I have more time. And like, the minute I had to shorten up most of my jokes, like, I don't know, I could try to, like, do one or two and, like, length.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's okay. Big Vinnie, how long have you been doing stand up comedy?

[Big Vinnie]

Three years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Almost three years. So two of it in New York, one of it here.

[Big Vinnie]

Phoenix, Arizona is where I started right after the pandemic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, what made you trade it around a lot.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What made you move to Phoenix?

[Big Vinnie]

So I just.

[Brian Redban]

I.

[Big Vinnie]

Me and my brother wanted to travel, like, around, and we picked Phoenix. That's where we ended up. Like, he found a good job and I figured it would be a good place to start comedy. I didn't want to start here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Since you're a connoisseur, who better bread? Phoenix or Austin?

[Big Vinnie]

Definitely. That's hard. They both suck, but Austin.

[Brian Redban]

I'll give it to not being able to get bread. Yeah, like, there's at. There's got to be an Italian bakery or dilly somewhere.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's a ton of great. Tom.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah,

[Andrew Low]

yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Chicho Bomba, what's your take on. On brioche bread?

[Big Vinnie]

That's okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I don't like it. It's weird. It's hard to bite through, and it feels like the meat squirts out too squishy. Ciabatta.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

CIA.

[Big Vinnie]

No, that'll I with ciabatta. No, ciabatta is not bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Big Vinnie]

A nice toasted ciabatta.

[Angel Diaz]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome welcome to another episode of Fat Tony, everybody. What are your thoughts on pumpernickel?

[Big Vinnie]

Too much going on there.

[Greg Bergman]

Okay.

[Brian Redban]

That guy's talking bread. That's going to get America united.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Okay, so, Big Vinnie, let's talk about it. What's. What's been going on in your life? What is that? The fat people talking about bread sound. Let's hear that one more time. I love the horn section so much.

[Brian Redban]

Roasting with a trombone. This is out of control.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think we just got baked.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Big Vinny, give us a fun fact about your life that would surprise us about you. Something special that makes you you.

[Big Vinnie]

I collect sports cards. And that's like what I've been living off of.

[Zach Townsend]

Selling that.

[Martin Phillips]

And I.

[Big Vinnie]

Sports cards and Pokemon cards. Singles. I don't set up at the store with a tent and scalp like those scumbags.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And that's your job?

[Zach Townsend]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's how you make money.

[Big Vinnie]

So I was working at Cheers for like seven months as a door guy, but then after that, I started selling cards.

[Zach Townsend]

Yeah.

[Big Vinnie]

And living off that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Brian Redban]

So what you do is you steal Pokemon cards from the kids. Molest. And then you resell those.

[Big Vinnie]

So I've had a single mom. Like, I was hooking up with a single mom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Guys, the joke I just said I didn't know about this single mom store. I don't want to be an accomplice in. Whatever. All right, go on.

[Big Vinnie]

So she was having trouble paying the rent one month, and so she turned to her son's Pokemon cards. No, he had to say goodbye to his Charizard gx.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you serious? How much does a Charizard go for?

[Big Vinnie]

It depends which one. There's so many. But yeah, he. His collection was probably like 1500 bucks.

[Angel Diaz]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. You see why that's terrible. So single.

[Dedrick Flynn]

What a.

[Brian Redban]

He took that fifteen hundred dollars and he started a child trafficking race crazy business plan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My God. 1500 for our Charizard?

[Big Vinnie]

No, it was like, probably a binder full of like 30 cards.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. So did the kid have any Pokemon cards left by the time you were done pounding out this single mom?

[Big Vinnie]

Yeah, I left him with some Christmas gifts.

[Zach Townsend]

Yeah.

[Big Vinnie]

So he had.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of Christmas gifts exactly? Let me guess. Half a rotisserie chicken filled with Pokemon cards.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

A little brother that he won't pay for. Not unless those Don Mattingly rated rookies pick up in value.

[Bert Kreischer]

Meanwhile, the mom's sitting like, he's so. Vinnie's so good with my son. They just sit and go through his Pokemon cards all day.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, you got that, buddy. Nice. Nice. You know, that's not that valuable anymore.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, you don't want this one. This is worth nothing. So how much money do you think you've made slinging cards? If you had to guess? Ballpark.

[Big Vinnie]

Well, just enough to, like, pay my rent and stuff. Probably like $20,000 the last six months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you're out there selling the cards, but how are you getting them? How do you know when you find a deal?

[Big Vinnie]

So, like, I buy collections. Like, people are trying to get out of it. Like, obviously you got to pay, like, half of what the cards are worth and stuff. Like. And even less for, like, undesirable.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're like a coin star machine for cards.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I ask you a really serious question? If someone gave you, say, like, $500,000 and said, invest this in cards, what could you turn that into?

[Big Vinnie]

Oh, I could. I could make that into, like. How long are you talking? How long a time?

[Brian Redban]

Probably a foot and a half. Italian sub, full rotisserie chicken, this time with the grapes. Because when you got that kind of cash, you don't care about the sugar.

[Bert Kreischer]

But have you seen. Have you seen Jake Paul talk about his card that he wears right his neck? And he talks about the investment versus annuities and real estate, and it's crazy.

[Big Vinnie]

And he's a scammer.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's a scammer. Say that once again for the Internet.

[Big Vinnie]

Yeah, Logan Paul, he's no good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Looks like I'm going to have to fight in a boxing ring in a few months. All right, Big Vinnie, you were the first bucket pool of the night. Here's a little joke book for you. There you go. Gotta start somewhere. Big Vinnie, everybody. Here we go with your second bucket pool of the night, ladies, and. Oh, it's the lovely Heidi, everyone. Oh, my goodness gracious. The crowd goes wild. All right, your next bucket pool Goes by the name of Greg Ergman, everybody. Greg Bergman. Here we go.

[Greg Bergman]

I'm in a great mood. I'm dating a beautiful girl. Beautiful girl. I shouldn't say girl. She actually identifies as non binary. Yeah. Which I gotta say, fellas, is the best of both worlds. You know, I come home from work, I'm gonna. Depending on my mood, I can make love to her or beat the shit out of him. You know, you get away with. No, no, no, officer. She put on the makeup to cover the black eye I gave him, not the other way around. You know, you get away with it. It's amazing. Well, I've signed up 57 times. I don't know if I'll ever be back. I have to tell Austin I have the biggest penis in Austin. This is a fact. Look up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I do.

[Greg Bergman]

I have the biggest dick in Austin. I'm not bragging.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I bought it.

[Greg Bergman]

That's odd. Allow me to explain. About 10 years ago, or Lincoln would say half a score, I got a penis implant, made a movie about it. Big like me. And there's only one caveat. They can only make it thicker, not longer. You know, And I'm a little disproportionate, I gotta be honest. You're supposed to go twice that. Went three times. Third time, not a charm. I'm. I'm hung like a hockey puck. Couple cans of tuna stacked on top of one another, but not that cheap bumblebee shit. Talk about that albacore. That. That solid white meat. That's what I got. True.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Greg Bergman. Greg. I missed the big dick thing. Can you explain? I. I was trying to. I was doing three things.

[Angel Diaz]

Oh.

[Greg Bergman]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Literally missed it.

[Greg Bergman]

I have one big day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that was it. You really just have a big dick? I was like, I must have missed a bunch. Well, they were just thick.

[Greg Bergman]

Yeah. Yes, I have a penis implant.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you really do.

[Greg Bergman]

Yeah, I do. It's fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fun stuff.

[Greg Bergman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You really do.

[Greg Bergman]

No, I do do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so let's talk. Let's start there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Greg Bergman]

I can't imagine starting. What else?

[Bert Kreischer]

So is it what I'm seeing right now, bulging out of your pants? Is that your dick? That is a wad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Those are jeans.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Touch it. It's not gay if it's an implant. Look at that dick.

[Bert Kreischer]

It is a little hard.

[Greg Bergman]

No, no, that's just the plastic stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Does it stay like that? No.

[Greg Bergman]

So, yeah, it hangs lower. It hangs more because it has plastic in it. So.

[Brian Redban]

Bird, are you okay?

[Bert Kreischer]

That's fucking real.

[Greg Bergman]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I just heard you tell a ghost story at a campfire. And I got in my tent and saw shadows.

[Greg Bergman]

You couldn't. Dreams really do come true.

[Bert Kreischer]

That is a solid cock, and it's just. It's limp. That's. The one you want, is the. The one that black guys have in the shower? That's it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is incredible. We've been doing this show 13 years, and I have 784 questions remaining.

[Brian Redban]

What? My first question is, why is Bert kind of hard?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now, this is how it goes. You have to touch birds. And then it goes all the way down until red band comes in his pants. All right, so great. I Don't even know where to begin. When did you get this penis implant?

[Greg Bergman]

2000. Okay. In 2014. I made a movie about it called Big Like Me. It's on tubing now. The director's cuts down to fantastic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And.

[Greg Bergman]

And we can watch, guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The perfect network to pick.

[Greg Bergman]

Well, there was this other movie called Long Hung Hero that got to south by Southwest two months before we were done editing. It fucked me because conceptually was similar. So it fucked me with festivals. So that guy now has cancer and I'm glad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God.

[Greg Bergman]

But that little dick, he didn't go all the way. I went all the way. I got it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I make one just suggestion from a professional comedian to you?

[Greg Bergman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You gotta close with a dick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

You can't open with it. Cause I can't stop looking at your dick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's so prominent.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is like I thought Bert was gonna say, when you come out on stage to start your set, you just pull it out and then do your whole set with your dick hanging out.

[Greg Bergman]

So I could be like star.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here's my idea. I have an idea. You come out with your dick out. It has a shirt on and then you pull the shirt off and the crowd goes wild.

[Greg Bergman]

This is why you're who you are.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so let's start with the question that everybody wants to know. Exactly how big was your dick pre implant?

[Greg Bergman]

Okay. So no, we're talking about. It can only make it thick. Only make it thicker.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's not true. They have. They. Let's not argue about. I know it's not deep research on this.

[Brian Redban]

Let the expert.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They can make it not true. There's many implants you can get. Shut up. Okay. Shut up.

[Greg Bergman]

They can make it longer, but only really when it's flaccid. Nobody cares about that. So really the thickness of what matters? It was a normal thing. Everything was normal. Or else it wouldn't be compelling if it was a tiny dick. It's not funny. If it's a big, big dick. One's bigger. Normal dick. Normal length, normal girth.

[Angel Diaz]

Maybe a little small, but.

[Greg Bergman]

No, but normal in the. In the statistical average numbers.

[Bert Kreischer]

You went to a doctor.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Okay.

[Greg Bergman]

Okay. Well, the average. The Average girth is 5 inches circumference. That's where I was so right in the statistical mean. But I blew my up. I went three times, not twice. You're supposed to go twice.

[Brian Redban]

Circumference. Can I feel you got the measuring tape out?

[Greg Bergman]

I got eight and a half inches circumference. Now. Now like Shane Diesel right next to him.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm eight.

[Greg Bergman]

He's eight and a half.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Eight inches circumference.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's length. It's like this, Tony.

[Greg Bergman]

Like this.

[Bert Kreischer]

For you to know, just for your

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

reference, I think I, I think I can fit that.

[Greg Bergman]

It's unnecessary. No one has to. It's not. You don't have to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So it's 8 inches around right now. Yeah.

[Greg Bergman]

Actually a little bigger when it's soft, depending on humidity and stuff. It's frustration. Yeah, a little bigger. It's like almost all the way hard. It's a little bit bigger.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's weir.

[Bert Kreischer]

Weird.

[Greg Bergman]

It's definitely weird, Rick, you know, but whatever.

[Brian Redban]

My mind is picturing the side by side of Florida and Phoenix in the

[Bert Kreischer]

size as big as your wrist.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's 8.

[Bert Kreischer]

8 inches.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do we have a measuring tape just for a wrist? That's not as exciting. This homo right here, it's like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, let's go.

[Brian Redban]

Here's what I'm wondering. Something that big, are you even able to get it into a dude's butt?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was my next question. All right, there's a measuring tape. Let's do Bert's room. I mean let's see what we got here, cuz. 8 around seems like a lot. Maybe I'm crazy.

[Greg Bergman]

Well, no, it, it.

[Eleazar Guzman]

You're not.

[Greg Bergman]

The.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is a can?

[Greg Bergman]

You're not insane.

[Angel Diaz]

It's.

[Bert Kreischer]

It is as big as this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you serious? Oh, Bert's got it. There we go. Uhoh. Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm all teeth. But I got it in.

[Eleazar Guzman]

In.

[Brian Redban]

There's. This guy isn't the king of. God damn it.

[Greg Bergman]

I'll do, I'll do whatever you want, Mr. Bert.

[Bert Kreischer]

Whatever you want.

[Brian Redban]

Every time people go, how. How did Bert get his career? We're just going to send that picture.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is unbelievable.

[Brian Redban]

Impressive.

[Bert Kreischer]

You, you need to, you need lose the joke. Just talk about your dick.

[Greg Bergman]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

You have, you have like. Everyone has dick jokes, right? We all have dick jokes. It's such a staple of comedy. And you have the best dick jokes ever because you have that thing.

[Greg Bergman]

Right, right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I actually loved the opening joke called amazing. Yeah, it was. How long have you been doing stand up comedy?

[Greg Bergman]

Off and on? 15 years, but consistently a year and a half. I was a little I at the comedy store a long time ago. I've seen it like 20 years ago. I started, I stopped. I was a little bit of a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like to tell you have like showbiz, you have like weird like shamwow guy energy. Like you're very comfortable Here for not.

[Bert Kreischer]

Not.

[Greg Bergman]

So I'm wildly nervous, actually, but getting into it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I could tell your dick's big as. Yeah. If you were real. Oh, you don't want to make me nervous. Oh, my goodness. Greg.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow. Guy on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, he popped out once. One time there was a guy on stage who goes, I came with a Shamwell guy. I'm like, the Shamwell guy's here. Let's get him out of here.

[Brian Redban]

And then he did one time, he goes, hey, will you drive me somewhere? And I go, yeah. He goes, where are we going? He goes, my mom's house. And I drove him to his mom's house and he told me about how the reason he punch punched a prostitute was because the Church of Scientology set him up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's. Yeah, that's the same guy we met.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, no doubt about it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Greg Bergman. How old are you?

[Greg Bergman]

46.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

46. What have you been doing your entire life? Because again, you have these wacky energies. You have like perfect eyebrows.

[Greg Bergman]

I did. I did mascara. I usually get them done, but I put. Yeah, you were right with the gig.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, I knew. I. I figured it out.

[Zach Townsend]

Yeah, you had.

[Greg Bergman]

You're on top of it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are those veneers too? Yeah. Yeah. Well, how about the hair? Did you get. You get hair?

[Greg Bergman]

No, the hair is all. It's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nobody believes you.

[Greg Bergman]

That.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's when you go 85. Fake. No one freaking teeth.

[Greg Bergman]

Everything else is real. Okay?

[Brian Redban]

Fake dick hair reels.

[Greg Bergman]

And my eyebrows are colored in. Usually I get a professional eyebrows, but yeah. Anyway, I've been. I made some movies. No one, you know, saw them. I mean, some people did. And I. Then I. I was a financial editor and I did some stock kind of stuff. And then I went poor a few times and went crazy.

[Brian Redban]

Give us your best. Your best story that involves drugs and Andy dick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Andy Dick. Do you have one? Do you have any dick?

[Greg Bergman]

No, I don't have an Andy Dick story. Wow.

[Dedrick Flynn]

You.

[Brian Redban]

You could with that dick, you would have an Andy Dick story.

[Greg Bergman]

I know I don't have an Andy Dick story.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely incredible, Greg. So how did you make most of your money doing the financial stuff?

[Greg Bergman]

Yeah, that and paid to do a couple movies, but mostly financials. Everyone in best of it, like me. Nothing ever worked out, but they're good. Nobody gives a. In Italy. They know my dick movie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's go back to the fucking nitty gritty here. How much was the penis implant?

[Greg Bergman]

How much did penis implant is. It's 3,500 per

[Dedrick Flynn]

injection.

[Greg Bergman]

You're supposed to get two series of injections. I went three, but they gave me a discount because I made the movie. And that's why I have. What is unusually thick. You're supposed to have two. I went three times. And the third time you got more. You don't know how much you're getting every day.

[Brian Redban]

It's like a Hulk serum situation.

[Greg Bergman]

Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

this is how super villains are made. Was there any side effects from the third injection? No, it's just too big. Come on, you know.

[Greg Bergman]

No, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There must have been something. Was it. Did it feel weird to pee or something?

[Greg Bergman]

No, no side effects other than when I went to New Orleans. Is right after that.

[Angel Diaz]

You probably.

[Greg Bergman]

Probably.

[Brian Redban]

No joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got this done in New Orleans?

[Greg Bergman]

No, I got it done in Mexico. But the guy trained.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Correct. But he tra. No, he trains in Brazil. My God, you got beans in your burrito, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

If there was ever a time to travel to Africa for plastic surgery, I don't know if I go to Mexico,

[Greg Bergman]

it's actually been quite good.

[Brian Redban]

Not to mention when they finally cut his dick open and get their cocaine back, they're going to be furious.

[Eleazar Guzman]

That's right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Rock mule.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, my God. Oh, you wake up, it's gonna be big. We promise. We ended up going with three shots.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have the dick of a mule. Amazing. Bergman. Amazing Greg Bergman. What's your love life like? Did you have a girl when you were getting these injections?

[Greg Bergman]

I was married, but I got these injections. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did that end?

[Greg Bergman]

Divorce. Yeah, but not because of it. Actually, she liked it more than before. Something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, welcome to another episode of no Fucking Shit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Zach Townsend]

Yeah.

[Greg Bergman]

But I think the kind of. Maybe it was the kind of person who would do that. She may. You know, she left me, so. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why. Why do you think she left you? Did she leave you for another man?

[Greg Bergman]

No, no, she left me. The movie was. Got a little bit too much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's taken a lot of.

[Greg Bergman]

Also, I had my dad. It's not. That's not funny. My dad, schizophrenic, used to die in la, you know, live on the street and was insane.

[Angel Diaz]

And.

[Greg Bergman]

And I do draw, you know, not anymore. But I used to love drug, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of drugs?

[Greg Bergman]

Just, you know, Coke.

[Brian Redban]

Give us 33 more reasons why she left you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, you're really unwinding.

[Dedrick Flynn]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, we grew apart.

[Greg Bergman]

Just say, like, grew apart.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think it's the best way to say amazing. You grew apart? Yeah. Naturally grew.

[Greg Bergman]

Naturally grew apart.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No injection, nothing to do with me.

[Greg Bergman]

Grew apart.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Brian Redban]

Like, her vag hole Grew apart after she him for the first time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm kind of blown away.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. This is really fascinating to me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Isn't it amazing?

[Bert Kreischer]

I cannot stop looking at his dick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is. For those of you listening, wondering why it. It seems like we're all kind of staring.

[Greg Bergman]

It does look like that's a fun thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like Pinocchio during COVID wearing a mask. And you're like, I still know your Pinocchio.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it does. He looks like he has one of those, like, really good steakhouse baked potatoes in his pan. One of those fully loaded with the sour cream, chives, bacon, twice baked with

[Brian Redban]

a little extra added.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

You ever seen a fupa? It's like a baby fupa. It's like just on a fupa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's like a fubu fupa. Because it's black. Because it's thick. Speaking of which, we have a Kiltoni big joke book that just so happens. I'm not kidding. To have King Kong, a giant gorilla on the front. What better than me?

[Greg Bergman]

Thank you very much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I liked the opening joke. I didn't understand you talking about your big dick, but if you're gonna do stand up, I agree. You should have jokes about getting a penis implant. You should hit it on the nose. There he goes. Greg Bergman, everybody. Wow, what an interview. What an interview. That is the first fake dick on the show that also happens to have a penis implant. I have ones that make it long, by the way. Is everybody good out there? You guys having fun? It's kind of like a crowd's never really been brought together all time the at one time yet. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. It's El. Elaer. Guzman. Elar. I know I'm saying that wrong. Guzman, everybody. Hey, everybody.

[Eleazar Guzman]

Salazar again. I. I've been trying to gain muscle, lose some weight. So I. I downloaded this new app that doesn't let me use my phone until I do enough push ups. So if you see my friends and family, tell them I'm alive. Tell them I miss them. Yeah, my luck with technology hasn't been great. I fell on a lime scooter about a month ago, and I fell on my right hand. And I couldn't use it for a while. And it made things awkward because I'm a righty. And I ran into my ex girlfriend at this bar. She was drunk, I was drunk. So we made out. She was like, I want you to finger me right now. But all I had was my left. And the best way I could describe It. You ever try to plug your charger in the dark? Like, I could have sworn. The holes are right here. If you didn't get that you're European.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Elazar, welcome. Welcome back. You've been on this show before. I remember. Because your name is hard to pronounce.

[Eleazar Guzman]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Eleazar. What is that again?

[Eleazar Guzman]

It's Jewish.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. All right.

[Eleazar Guzman]

I'm not Jewish though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have a Jewish name. You're just trying to make it in showbiz.

[Eleazar Guzman]

Yeah, well, my mom's Puerto Rican, so she was just trying to help. You know what I mean?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice. What's your dad?

[Eleazar Guzman]

My. My dad is Peruvian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right. Look at that. Unbelievable. Elazar, what does it mean? Does it mean something?

[Eleazar Guzman]

It means God has helped.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God is helped.

[Eleazar Guzman]

Has helped.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God has helped.

[Andrew Low]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not with your set, obviously. How long have you been doing stand up?

[Eleazar Guzman]

I've been doing it 12 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

12 years?

[Spencer Boone]

Yeah.

[Eleazar Guzman]

Yeah.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's the funniest thing you said all night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where have you been doing it?

[Eleazar Guzman]

New Jersey.

[Angel Diaz]

New York.

[Bert Kreischer]

All over the country in my bedroom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long were you doing stand up in New York?

[Eleazar Guzman]

About 10 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you like it?

[Eleazar Guzman]

Yeah, I liked it a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You love it. How long ago did you move to Austin?

[Eleazar Guzman]

I moved here about a year and nine months ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What do you do for work?

[Eleazar Guzman]

I work as a chef. And I work as dispensary. So I work at a dispensary.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right. What kind of chef are you?

[Eleazar Guzman]

I make burgers.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, he really, really helped his title there with chef.

[Angel Diaz]

Yeah,

[Brian Redban]

I make burgers. Where are we making burgers?

[Eleazar Guzman]

I work at nadc, but I'm trying to expand, do my own thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's a good thing to say to Philip.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. We're all friends with the owner of nadc. It is an unbelievable burger. In fact, it's best. Almost too good. It makes you want to go to sleep afterwards. It's like heroin. It's absolutely incredible. What? Okie dokie. Yeah, I think I.

[Brian Redban]

It was cool because that was. He's like the first mass shooter vibe we've had of the night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

And to get someone from the crowd with the same vibe shouting out was cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. I said heroin and that guy said yanin. Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay. Anyway, now we got his dealer's name.

[Bert Kreischer]

Was this primarily newer stuff you were working on tonight?

[Eleazar Guzman]

Yeah, it was. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was saying for 12 years, I. I would. I would love to hear, like, a old joke that, you know, works.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You have, like, one of your favorite jokes that you could just do just to show us how funny you are. I could do that. Ladies and gentlemen, doing one of his old jokes. Make some noise for Elazar, everybody. Here we.

[Eleazar Guzman]

I've been going to therapy lately. Had a weird situation. My real father was a criminal and my stepdad was a little person, so I had no one to look up to.

[Angel Diaz]

Yeah.

[Zach Townsend]

What

[Bert Kreischer]

a lot of comics in the middle of the jungle. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Go ahead.

[Eleazar Guzman]

When I met him, I was just five years old, and he was just a little bigger than me. And my mom was like, this is your new stepdad. I was like, My stepdad is 7 years old. And it gave me weird confidence because he used to hit me. Yeah. And even when I was little, I was like, this bigger kid hits like a bitch. But what really messed me up is I met him when I was five. So I just started school that year and I was getting bullied at recess. So I was like, wow, those kids really meant it when they said they were gonna fuck my mom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Wow, look at that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do that next time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You would think he would have done that in front of the millions of viewers, but he's just out here balling out of control, trying brand new stuff.

[Andrew Low]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Probably a game it on this podcast.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're like the guy in the orgies just jerking off in the corner going, no, I'm myself.

[Brian Redban]

I. I don't want to come too quick the first time. So I'm going to do this.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm going to unload one, and then I'm coming in.

[Sharon Ruth Hensley]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is your stepfather really a little guy? No, a. Oh, just lie to me next time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Eleazar Guzman]

He's just five, six,

[Brian Redban]

an Italian.

[Angel Diaz]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Elazar, tell us something crazy about your life that we would never guess about about you.

[Eleazar Guzman]

I grew up Jehovah's Witness.

[Zach Townsend]

Yeah.

[Eleazar Guzman]

I used to be really fat. Used to be like 300 pounds.

[Brian Redban]

How thick is your dick?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's the big question of the night. How did you lose the weight?

[Eleazar Guzman]

How did I lose the weight? I stopped drinking for, like, four months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh,

[Bert Kreischer]

how much were you drinking?

[Eleazar Guzman]

Well, it turns out I wasn't fat. I was just a drunk piece of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So were you drinking all day, all throughout the day?

[Eleazar Guzman]

Pretty much every day.

[Bert Kreischer]

What were you drinking? Gravy.

[Brian Redban]

IPAs mostly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

IPAs will do it. IPAs are a whole thing. Amazing.

[Bert Kreischer]

So Jehovah's Witnesses can't have medicine, right?

[Brian Redban]

No, Christian Scientists.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my bad.

[Brian Redban]

Jehovah's Witnesses don't have birthdays.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. So how do you show up in

[Brian Redban]

this world, Bert, philosophically, they can't have a birthday. They are born.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So did you not celebrate a birthday for a long time?

[Eleazar Guzman]

No. Literally. Literally. My mom would be like, it's a special day today. And I'd be like, what is it? She's like, I can't tell you. Check your birth certificate and that. That would literally be it.

[Zach Townsend]

Yeah.

[Angel Diaz]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you didn't get presents?

[Eleazar Guzman]

I didn't get presents or nothing. No, it's just. I got used to it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you have cake?

[Bert Kreischer]

So did Tina Turner. Jesus Christ. What an abusive fucking thing. It's a special day today, bitch. All right. Check your birth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When's the first time you celebrated your birthday?

[Eleazar Guzman]

I was 17. A bunch of my friends who were trying to make me stop being a Jehovah's Witness, I bet they were like, hey, we're all going to be at a bridge somewhere where you can preach to us.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I showed up to the bridge.

[Angel Diaz]

Yeah.

[Zach Townsend]

Yeah.

[Eleazar Guzman]

They had a 30 pack of beers and they were like, happy birthday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

What a surprise party slash intervention. So something like surprise. Surprise for what? Your birthday. Oh, I'm getting the full bukak.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, It's a great intervention. When your friends bring you a 30 pack of beer for the first time.

[Brian Redban]

Is your family still. Jehovah's Witness?

[Greg Bergman]

Is.

[Eleazar Guzman]

Yeah, my. My mom's really into it. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Damn, that sucks.

[Angel Diaz]

Wow.

[Eleazar Guzman]

I mean, she's. She's. She's still awesome. She's. She's a great mom.

[Brian Redban]

So remember the part where she didn't give you birthday presents?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Great mom. My uncle was really cool, man. He had the softest fingers in the world. Old Silky Uncle Dave.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. So she gave you a Jewish name and no presence.

[Brian Redban]

That's fucked up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, that's incredible.

[Eleazar Guzman]

Yeah, my birthday was pretty weird when I was born.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When is your birthday now? I'm curious.

[Eleazar Guzman]

August 21, 1990.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

August 21.

[Eleazar Guzman]

Yeah. I was born premature, so my lungs didn't work. So the doctors told my mom that I was probably going to die. And she prayed to God and. And she said, if my son lives, I will give him to you. And because I lived, she named me Eleazar. So that's why my name is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that's kind of cute.

[Brian Redban]

Wow, that's incredible for her to come all this way and see him die on stage before the big comeback.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Elazar.

[Brian Redban]

He rose again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Eleazar, you did it. It was a rough minute, but then you did a good minute. It. So it's a medium joke book tonight. Keep signing up oh, Elazar almost went off the chest. Right off the chest. God did not help him catch that joke book. There goes Elazar, everybody. All right, we're having fun here. We're cooking. And here we go. Three word name. Your fourth bucket bowl of the night is Sharon Ruth Hensley. Everybody, here comes Sharon Root.

[Sharon Ruth Hensley]

Good evening Kiltoni people, take two. I am Sharon Ruth Hensley and I have two helpful hints for the male of our species to better interact with me. One, if you insist on mentioning your penis, Tony, more than once within a short period of time, I will have questions and or comments. I am not responsible for what form those take and inquiring minds still want to know your circumcision status. Two, if you insist on sending me pictures of said penis, Tony's audience be aware in Texas and a handful of other states it is against the law. I find them amusing. So I will allow it if and only if you follow these guidelines. Well lit, head to toe, nude, fully erect, holding a 16 ounce bottle adjacent for size comparison. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus fucking Christ, Sharon. What the fuck was that dude?

[Sharon Ruth Hensley]

Well, here's the deal Tony. After the light last time, I figured out that I, being a naturally born female, cannot ever possibly say something at all funny. So I should say something that would make my life easier when the onslaught of like your 10,000, you know, male followers message.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

10,000 male followers.

[Brian Redban]

10,000.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The big 10,000.

[Sharon Ruth Hensley]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's check in with Rick Ingram here.

[Brian Redban]

The first thing is we got to send her a pic of that thick dick from earlier.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, no doubt about it.

[Brian Redban]

We got to get that

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

correct.

[Brian Redban]

We're going to have to scan it on a printer because it's not going to be on an iPhone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There was so much insanity throughout that set was the implication that I've mentioned

[Sharon Ruth Hensley]

to you my penis when I was on last time. You did mention your penis us twice. So I changed the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was the. What was the context of me mentioning

[Sharon Ruth Hensley]

my just how hard you were or not One time was not so much. One time was really hard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What, what was. What were we talking about at the time?

[Sharon Ruth Hensley]

Which the first time was probably my set. The second time was that I'd shot somebody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anthony Hinch, I think you're a little bit out of context here, but no doubt about it. I mention my penis very rarely but

[Sharon Ruth Hensley]

no, you did mention.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was it a he Ha. Did people go haha afterwards Sharon, do they make that wacky noise that you don't understand how gets made? Cuz I wanted that thing right there, you hear that, that wacky noise. You hear that?

[Sharon Ruth Hensley]

I went ahead and changed the subject and asked if you were circumcised. And some people were like, they got it and they thought it was hilarious. And then some people were like, that came out of nowhere and I was like, no, he mentioned his penis, so I'm allowed to ask if he circumcised.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Sharon. Jesus Christ. Oh my God.

[Brian Redban]

Tony. Did you guys date at any point?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, God. Sharon Ruth, you have three words to your name and not that many punchlines at all. This is incredible.

[Brian Redban]

When you were in high school, did you like tell people you were like a cat or something like that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that's a great question. You do have those energies.

[Brian Redban]

I'm really a cat. My. My boyfriend's an energy vampire. He's going to be a librarian for 300 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you doing comedy other places where, where, like, what are you doing? How often do you try this?

[Sharon Ruth Hensley]

I. I did comedy in Spain last year. It was pretty cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, they probably couldn't understand you either.

[Sharon Ruth Hensley]

They have a pretty big English speaking comedy scene.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uh huh.

[Sharon Ruth Hensley]

Actually.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you like the last guy? Like, do you have like different jokes that are better than whatever you plan to do here tonight that nobody understood?

[Sharon Ruth Hensley]

No, I am technically more of a storytelling comic and like a minute is kind of hard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. We'd love to hear a 25 minute banger from Sharon Ruth Hensley, but wow. I think we're gonna have to keep.

[Sharon Ruth Hensley]

The main reason I wanted to come on is so last time. So I have a major anxiety disorder and last time I almost did pass out on stage. Nobody could tell.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, we should have been so lucky.

[Sharon Ruth Hensley]

This time it's not that much better. I was hoping that like the nerves would go down a second time, but it's just, it's really hard.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think it's contagious. I felt like you were nervous running through that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You felt like a hologram.

[Sharon Ruth Hensley]

Well, no, I wanted to get it in in a minute. Like, I respect the minute timeline.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, no, no, no. I think you're looking at comedy the wrong way. Respect the joke and then make it like, don't try to cram it into a minute. I think that's where the disconnect was, is. Is slow it down and, and find your pacing because it did feel rushed. I don't want to be shitty because I. I've been nervous on stage and tore through material before, but I'll be shitty.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You could have done that. You could have pumped the brakes on that and Done it so slow that it took 20 minutes to get through that. And it's still. There's not. There's not a funny, unidentifiable moment.

[Sharon Ruth Hensley]

No, I got you. I did. I did it very, very intentionally. It is funny to certain select people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who are these people? Where are they?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, can I suggest trying to perform to maybe the Kill Tony audience?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Maybe them.

[Sharon Ruth Hensley]

No. What I wanted to tell your audience from last time, so I am not a person.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, God, Sharon. No, no, no. No one care. Like, what's her name?

[Brian Redban]

Karen Roof.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sharon Roof.

[Brian Redban]

Sharon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And like, what do you want to tell the Kill Tony audience? Sharon, I don't know if you think this is going to get any better for you.

[Sharon Ruth Hensley]

I'm not a person who would do well in jail. I do know from experience, so I should not be talking about things on stage until those pesky statute of limitations run out. There's no statute on attempted murder, so I should not have mentioned that last time.

[Brian Redban]

Okay, wait, so you just possible we could get her arrested tonight and then

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

maybe. Sharon Ruth, you just mentioned it again. Do you know that?

[Sharon Ruth Hensley]

No, I know. Like, I'm like, well, I already made the mistake. Like, let me lay into it.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's something very melodic about her voice when she starts to lose it. And it's like. I. I feel like one of those Spanish people right now going like, I

[Sharon Ruth Hensley]

get it, you know, And I got your movie. I actually liked it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Sharon, did you get a little joke book last time? You got a little joke book before? I'm. I'm guessing no.

[Sharon Ruth Hensley]

I got a big one because of the interview, because the audience demanded it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Sharon, you get nothing this time. There goes Sharon Ruth Hensley, everybody.

[Brian Redban]

Good Lord.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbearable.

[Bert Kreischer]

You've upset Tony's penis. Unbearable.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very good. A joke by Red Band, everybody. There you go. There she goes. Sharon Ruth Hensley, everybody. With the patent. Last one last crazy glare in the eyes.

[Brian Redban]

Little eye contact for everybody. Oh, my God, that's exciting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Sharon. It might be time for Sharon to take a break from signing up. All right? We have a regular that's gonna sage the room right now. He is the newest force of nature regular here on Kiltoni. Make some noise for the great Dedrick Flynn, everybody. What's up,

[Dedrick Flynn]

guys? I hate the greyhound. I'm so glad I don't gonna take the greyhound no more. One time a nigga with no arms stole my wallet. I'll say it again, A nigga with no arms stole my wallet and the only reason why I caught him is because my wallet was in my hoodie. Cause it was cold out, and I felt that nigga Big toes scrape across my tummy. And then while I awoke, that shit was right there in between his thumb toe. I don't know what you call it, but his thumb toe and his index toe was gripping that motherfucker. And he got strong legs. He got nice legs. Cause you know how, like, daredevil, his eyes don't. So his ears is stronger, so his arms is his legs. So when I tried to grab that shit, I had to, like, tug a. You know, I had to tug a war with this nigga. Then I started wrestling my wallet away. He talking about, you cheating. You cheating. Cause I had to use my arms and my legs to get it away. It's when I finally got it, I stood up with my wallet, and he stood up with me. But he was wearing a hoodie, too, with no arms. His arms was dangling. So when he stood up, he was like, what are you gonna do, snitch? I was like, no, nigga, we still got eight hours on this bus. I can't snitch. How dare you? Cause the other thing is, when I ride a Greyhound, I got my gun on me. And they tell you, you can't ride with your gun. You won't get in trouble. Go to court. Go to court. If you tell. Judge was like, why'd you have your gun? I was like, I want a Greyhound, and I got all of my teeth. They'll be, like, acquitted every single time. Cause if I had woken up and that nigga had stole my wallet with my gun, Ain't nobody going. Ain't nobody going nowhere until I find my Transformers Velcro wallet. I got a Velcro wallet. Cause I want people to hear me, at least try to pay for something. Everybody within 8 to 10ft.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you hear that.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Shh. You like, he did the best that he could.

[Angel Diaz]

Good.

[Dedrick Flynn]

That's my time, y'. All.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Y. Wow. A new two minutes from Dedrick Flynn. Twice as long as Sharon ruth hensley did. 29 more verifiable punchlines. Absolutely incredible, dedrick.

[Brian Redban]

17 less hexes, though, unfortunately.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dedrick, that. That is fantastic.

[Brian Redban]

Great chat.

[Bert Kreischer]

Great job. I love greyhound material. Yeah, I do. Not enough people have written Greyhound to know just how sketchy that is.

[Dedrick Flynn]

It's an apocalypse. Like, you know, when they drop the nukes and they have, like, a center where everybody meet? That's what the greyhound is. You don't know what year it is based on what niggas is wearing.

[Bert Kreischer]

When you get out of prison. They give you a Greyhound tickets?

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yes, they do.

[Bert Kreischer]

So, no. So you sit. The majority of the people on that bus just got out of prison. Yeah, it's. I took Greyhound from Tallahassee to Tampa all the time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

I remember when Biggie's album came out, I had headsets and a. And a tape player or a CD player, and a dude had just got out of prison. He was like, what are you listening to? I was like, notorious BIG he goes, can I see your headsets? And that was it. They were his.

[Dedrick Flynn]

That's why you got to have a gun, Bert. You got to have aller.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[Dedrick Flynn]

We all get robbed on a gray

[Bert Kreischer]

hound of emotion Bottles get passed around on gr.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yes, they do experience.

[Brian Redban]

You feel bad. The people are mostly vagabonds and drifters. But everyone on a bus, no matter where you are, looks like they're from Albuquerque.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it is a certain type. Well, definitely a table from Albuquerque.

[Dedrick Flynn]

What the.

[Brian Redban]

I stand by what I said.

[Dedrick Flynn]

No, they look like that.

[Brian Redban]

Don't let them get on your bus and go back. Armadillo people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right, Dedrick. So you've taken the Greyhound quite a lot.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Not no more. But I did before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, yeah, we know. Not anymore. It hurt. Yeah, it hurt in here.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Like when you get on there and you got more teeth than everybody combined. When I was on the Greyhound,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I

[Dedrick Flynn]

noticed I was the only one with teeth. A nigga stole my wallet. Cause I was there in Tory. On the great house where you feel too poor don't wanna ride that shit no more on the grey hound

[Bert Kreischer]

on

[Dedrick Flynn]

the grey hell on the Greyhound don't ride no more Greyhound Well, I build two boys on a Greyhound with the mess, the killers and the needles lie

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

they owe you money Greyhound owes you money. Greyhound owes you money. They just have to use that as a commercial. They just have to own who they are and roll with it.

[Dedrick Flynn]

They know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They know.

[Dedrick Flynn]

They don't even have an intercom in the Greyhound. One time. One time I went to the Atlanta Greyhound, which is the scariest place on Earth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I literally cannot imagine. The entire city of Atlanta scares me. It seems like. Like the Greyhound station would be too much.

[Dedrick Flynn]

And it's right outside of the strip club. So the great, the poor. It's terrifying. And I walked up to a lady, I said, when is the bus to Charlotte? Right? I looked at her, and she was looking at me, and she went, the bus to Charlotte leaves in 32 minutes. What did you say? I was like, don't yell at me. I'D rather be on Frontier and N. I hate Frontier here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, Atlanta Greyhound Station is dangerous when Dedrick is the safest person there. Everyone else looks exactly like John D. Does right now. Oh, you turn it down. You had your ski mask. You. You wear your ski mask up when you're laughing. You have it all figured out. John at a comedy show, he's back here cracking up with his mask on. There you go. There it is, everybody.

[Dedrick Flynn]

You know why he got it right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Doesn't to want working. The joke doesn't work.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Cuz we told him that if the power went out, we was going to start looting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Cuz we got to make our kill Tony money somewhere. Like, I don't. I don't steal, but I loot. You know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No doubt about it. No doubt about it.

[Brian Redban]

There's group synergies different.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I mean, is the Greyhound in Atlanta right? By Magic City?

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yes, it is.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've been to that Greyhound.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. You know exactly where the greyhounds.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, I was just there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

At the Greyhound or at the Greyhound?

[Dedrick Flynn]

You know, you got money, you don't have to be there.

[Bert Kreischer]

My father in law doesn't.

[Angel Diaz]

Up.

[Dedrick Flynn]

He called you come get me now.

[Bert Kreischer]

And Magic City has the best wings in town.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yes, they do. The lemon pepper.

[Bert Kreischer]

ALL Shout out to Magic. Magic.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Shout out to Magic City, Atlanta, Georgia.

[Eleazar Guzman]

Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dedrick, your set was absolutely incredible.

[Bert Kreischer]

Very good, Very good. Can I tell you, just like, there's such an energy. It's almost like watching good ice skaters. Like, when you came up, you kind of owned it. Well, it's like, you know, when you

[Brian Redban]

watch ice skating, not enjoyable at all. Ever, you mean?

[Dedrick Flynn]

Hey, Bert, what's the ice skater?

[Brian Redban]

You're the opposite of ice skaters in that. We've all enjoyed it before. What are you watching? Ice skating. How do you enjoy that?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, but it's like when you see someone come out confident, you're like, oh, this is gonna be okay. I'm not worried. And when you came out, I was like, oh, I'm not worried. And then when they kicked into music and you own the stage, that is the energy of a great comic. Yeah, you have it, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. A rising star, ladies and gentlemen.

[Brian Redban]

Also, a guy in a cowboy hat was very excited to see you, which is another sign of a black guy that you're doing it right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Come on.

[Brian Redban]

Yep.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Come on, man. Thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That guy. That guy rode the greyhound here. The actual big dog. Everybody rode the actual dog with this cowboy.

[Dedrick Flynn]

No, we better Go and get him. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Get you. One more time for the great Dedrick Flynn. Wow. Seems like a comedy show again. Completely cleanse the room of Sharon Ruth Hensley's nasty, nasty attitude. Tony. Last time I was on, you talked about your penis in a comedic way. All right, your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Zach Townsend, everybody. Here we go.

[Zach Townsend]

How's it going? I'm 35 years old. I used to want kids real bad. I used to want guns real bad, too. Now I don't know if I want either one. You know, I kind of see them as the same thing. You know, they're both dangerous, and whenever somebody has one, they're always like, do you want to hold it? You know? And I'm like, no, no. I know way too many people in jail for touching those things. You know what I mean? No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yuck.

[Zach Townsend]

Get my fingerprints off it. Yeah. I feel like guns are a lot like kids, too, because all the worst people I know hold their sideways. You know, it's either like, give me your fucking money, or like, baby hanging off the hip at Walmart, you know, Some white woman in Cookie Monster pajama bottoms even though the sun is still up. Come on, you guys have been to Houston before. You know what I'm talking about. The tears going this way. I feel like guns are a lot like kids, too, because whenever I see one out in the street, I'm like, shouldn't you be in school right now? You know, And I. I don't know about you guys, but whenever I. Whenever I'm on Facebook, I see a new article of, like, a female teacher banging their younger male students. We gotta pay these teachers more money, right, so they. So they can afford to go on dates with people their own age. Cause it's super easy to wine and dine a 15 year old. You just fucking say, six, seven, while you juggle their balls a little bit, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's all right.

[Zach Townsend]

I'm Zach.

[Big Vinnie]

Thank you, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Eleazar Guzman]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Zach Townsend. Amazing.

[Zach Townsend]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony, how long you been doing stand up?

[Zach Townsend]

Eight years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah? Where at?

[Zach Townsend]

I live in Nashville, Tennessee.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Awesome. We love Nashville.

[Spencer Boone]

Thank you.

[Bert Kreischer]

What got you down to Austin this week, man?

[Zach Townsend]

By Burt Kreischer. Actually, I was opening for him at the Moody Theater.

[Spencer Boone]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

On Thursday.

[Zach Townsend]

Friday, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Bert Kreischer]

He crushed. I love is. I was like. I was like, man, you better do good. Love that it was you crushed, man. You're. I think you're hysterical. I think you're so talented.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's absolutely incredible. I had no idea that you had Anybody here that anybody even signed up? We got lucky there.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah.

[Zach Townsend]

I was supposed to go home last night, but then the. The ice is crazy and the weather's bad, too, and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, see, that's the best version of that joke. Look at that. That's incredible.

[Zach Townsend]

Yeah. And then so I stayed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing, Zach. So have you lived in Nashville your whole life?

[Zach Townsend]

No, I'm from Connecticut originally.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Zach Townsend]

And I started comedy in Tampa, and

[Bert Kreischer]

I've been shout out to Tampa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's sober right now. He's not drinking because he's getting married.

[Zach Townsend]

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm also sober, like, for my career, too, but. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you been sober for?

[Zach Townsend]

Since December 29th.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

December 29th?

[Zach Townsend]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let me ask you this.

[Zach Townsend]

Not that I'm counting or anything, you know?

[Brian Redban]

Jeez.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let me ask you this, because Game recognized game. What exactly did you do on December 29th for your going away last hurrah? How hard?

[Bert Kreischer]

Tell two truth. Tell two lies in the truth. And we got to guess which one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

What happened on December 29?

[Zach Townsend]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Two lies in the truth. Truth.

[Zach Townsend]

I went out to a bar with my friends. I went out to a bar with my friends. Or I got blacked out on wine and had my coke dealer come over there and accidentally did ketamine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I. I'm guessing no. I'm guessing all three are the truth here, actually.

[Zach Townsend]

Kind of.

[Spencer Boone]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Take us through it. So you got. You got drunk on wine?

[Zach Townsend]

Yeah, it was supposed to be just a chill night. Like, my friend just had a baby, and they came over, and then the

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

baby came over, too.

[Zach Townsend]

The baby was over, too. There's Picture me, like, drunk, hanging the. And I was like, oh, they're never gonna.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're holding the baby side.

[Zach Townsend]

I was like, give it to me. You know? Disgusting.

[Brian Redban]

I'm gonna make this a joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I blow in his stomach? That's a little low, Zach.

[Brian Redban]

Someone bring me a gun.

[Zach Townsend]

I was holding it sideways, and it was awful.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've always wanted to try this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. So then you had a little Pulp Fiction moment. You thought you were doing cocaine, but it turned out to be ketamine.

[Zach Townsend]

Yeah, well, I think one of my buddies told me ketamine, and I just was, whatever. It's my nose. Who cares anymore at this point, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did that make you feel? I don't know much about ketamine, but from what I do know, it seems like being extremely drunk off of only wine would mix very oddly with that.

[Zach Townsend]

Yeah, I don't remember much. If I'm being completely honest. Like, how I made. There is, like, video. I went outside to get cigarettes from my car and busted my ass trying to get back in. And there's, like, video on the rig camera from my fiance being like, hey, you know you want to see this? And I was like, no, I'm good. Actually, I don't. I don't want to.

[Brian Redban]

Really.

[Zach Townsend]

I woke up, my hand is all up.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, ah, can you please grab that video and post it? Yeah, I felt. I felt drunk after. I felt drunk into a potted plant and hit my head and knocked myself unconscious. And it got 5 million views.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. So, Zach, you make all your money doing stand up comedy?

[Zach Townsend]

Yeah, yeah, I do stand up and sketch comedy, too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. What does the future wife do?

[Zach Townsend]

She's a private. I don't know if she's, like, works for, like, the government.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, yeah, perfect.

[Brian Redban]

They're doing a lot of good things.

[Zach Townsend]

Yes. She makes all the decisions in my household. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Is she in charge of wrangling or anything like that?

[Zach Townsend]

Yeah. You should see our crawl space. It's actually quite packed right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Zach, you are so funny. Where can people find your stuff?

[Zach Townsend]

On Instagram at Zack Townsend and on paid vacation comedy on YouTube. Yeah, we did a sketch. We actually. We did a sketch about Kill Tony. I don't know if you saw it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was it the.

[Zach Townsend]

The video game?

[Greg Bergman]

Oh, my God.

[Brian Redban]

That was.

[Zach Townsend]

Yeah, that was awesome. Yeah, you guys are awesome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're like, yeah, we loved that so much. Literally, like, our favorite thing. We were. We sent it to each other and everything and all around. Absolutely hilarious work.

[Zach Townsend]

I think you guys should make the video game, too. I mean, I think you guys are leaving some money on the table. Everybody's hitting me up about it. They're like, it should be a real thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I absolutely agree. We've talked about it before. Could totally be down the line. How long are you in town for now?

[Zach Townsend]

I leave tomorrow. Yeah, I got shows this week, so I got to try to get back. If I can get back home tomorrow. I got to try to get back home.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Well, we. How about. How about you come back when next time we do the Bridgestone arena in Nashville and do a spot on there.

[Zach Townsend]

I would absolutely love to do that. I would love to do that. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Follow this man at Zack Townsend and repost the video game sketch and tag us in it and we'll repost it. So funny.

[Zach Townsend]

Thank you guys so much.

[Angel Diaz]

Appreciate it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One more time for Zack Townsend, everybody. That's crazy. You just picked him out oh, yeah. Great stuff, man. All right, we're having fun now. Look at this cooking on the back half of this episode that lit, starting

[Brian Redban]

with that horrible monster of a lady.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God, it's incredible. And who could forget Big Vinnie? Greg Bergman's fake Elazar deciding to do a brand new untested minute in front of 5 million people. Sharon Ruth Hensley. And then the tables turned. Let's see if we can keep the momentum as the bucket has decided that up next comes Angel Diaz, everybody. Hell yeah.

[Angel Diaz]

Yo. Yeah, yo, get. Yo, give it up for myself one time. Hell yeah. I actually have a real life question. Is anyone in here subletting a room? Me, bro. God damn. Does anyone see themselves living with me at all? Jesus Christ. All right, well, it's cuz I have to move out of my apartment, like, really bad. Like. All right, this is a text message thread between, like, me and my landlord. I had to write it down. All right, this is what I said. I said, Mr. Landlord. No, I said, Mr. Landlord man, can you please come tomorrow between 10:00am and 1:00pm to fix the AC unit? And this is what he said. He said, you short little Mexican man. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. He didn't say that. He didn't say that. He said, I am doing a live stream set on the radio.

[Andrew Low]

Please.

[Angel Diaz]

Oh please tune in online and I will come around for you. Won't believe who the is. A dj. Oh, damn. Yo, yeah, you know what? Yeah, yeah, yo, give it up for me. I just did good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Angel Diaz.

[Angel Diaz]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, the old butt slap of Angel Diaz.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, he opened and closed the little ass slap.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like it.

[Angel Diaz]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Bringing the right energy.

[Angel Diaz]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Swagger and confidence and stage presence unlike almost anyone that's been up here.

[Angel Diaz]

Oh, yeah, you. You know I'm a good guy. I don't know what. What else? The. Do I say what else?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, look at you, Angel. How old are you?

[Angel Diaz]

I just turned 26 last week. Yo, give it up for 26, okay?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They don't have to give it up for everything. I'm going to ask you a lot of questions, Angel.

[Brian Redban]

Angel. This is like if Rage against the Machine was a homeless guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I feel like he's gonna make noise for every question I have. Hey, give it up for working at a vape store. What do you do for work, Angel?

[Angel Diaz]

Yo, I. I have no job whatsoever.

[Brian Redban]

No, no.

[Angel Diaz]

Yeah. I have no job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you. How do you survive, Angel? Take us through a day in the life.

[Angel Diaz]

So. All right, so I've been going out of state to go stealing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, this is amazing.

[Angel Diaz]

Yeah, give it up for stealing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. There you go. He's got many.

[Bert Kreischer]

Give it up for him being so thoughtful to at least go out of state.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, there's a third butt slap.

[Brian Redban]

Sell it while you're still in the other state. You don't want to cross state lines. Just a little advice.

[Angel Diaz]

What did you just say?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perfect. Nailed it. Angel. See? Do you really make money stealing shit?

[Angel Diaz]

Well, not really, but kinda. Well, if I steal anything, like, it's for myself. But, like, if you need bounty, I mean, I don't know. That's, like, the type of shit I'm stealing. You know, Like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like paper towels.

[Angel Diaz]

Yeah, it's bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you give us an example of sometimes, some time that you've stolen something? Like, well.

[Angel Diaz]

Well, allegedly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you are a natural, Angel Diaz. I might bring you back just for interviews.

[Brian Redban]

What I like is, he said bounty, which is a way of saying amount of money for something, but he actually meant paper towels.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, no, yeah, exactly. He's definitely going to California to do this, right?

[Angel Diaz]

What was that? The California. Yo. II Yo, I don't know what this guy is telling me. I'm sorry, I can't hear him too well.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're okay.

[Brian Redban]

Give it up for California

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Angel. So take us through it. Allegedly.

[Angel Diaz]

All right, so. Yeah, you know, so I. I'll, like, pick up, like, maybe three things that. Yo, am I gonna go to jail for this?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. No way. You are protected. This is a comedy show and everything is a joke.

[Angel Diaz]

Yeah, but, like, nothing.

[Brian Redban]

Nothing leaves this room today.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, there's.

[Angel Diaz]

But, like. Like, what if they catch. Like, what if they catch me on camera? You know what I'm trying to say? Like, it's like, yo, this is you, and, like, this is you talking about

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Angel, I got good news for you. Everybody that's ever stolen anything looks exactly like you. So there's no way you can get in trouble for this. All right, keep going, Angel. Tell us about the amazing work of the bounty hunter Angel Diaz

[Angel Diaz]

now. Yeah, so I'll just walk in and then, like. Like, I'll just, like, I'll walk out with, like, a whole bunch of bounty, and then, like, I'll sell it to, like, the first person who needs bounty in their house, you know? Like, is anyone subletting a room?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Angel.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Seriously, though, have you really stolen bounty paper towels?

[Angel Diaz]

Well, it's between bounty and spray paint. And so, like, I can't. Honestly, I really can't talk about it too much because like, right now I have, like, an open case.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, Angel. Absolutely. Stop talking about. About it. We thought you were talking about allegedly, yo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, let's just.

[Bert Kreischer]

By the way, I would just argue that if you talk to the judge, I think she's going to let you go.

[Angel Diaz]

Like, I don't know. Like. Yeah, all right.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah.

[Angel Diaz]

No, can I just walk off now?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no, no.

[Bert Kreischer]

You are like a gold mine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, we might keep you here all night.

[Bert Kreischer]

We're like porn directors and this 18 year old girl just showed up and goes, I don't know my dad. We're like, all right, Right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. This is incredible. Angel Diaz. So what exactly. You can talk about this. What exactly is the open case for right now?

[Angel Diaz]

Well, all right. Honestly. All right, well, it's for. It's for graffiti because I got caught and like, so pretty much it's like this. It's like, well, allegedly, they saw me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's got two catchphrases. A butt slap and allegedly, yo, I'm

[Angel Diaz]

gonna do the butt slap on my way out. And it better be funny. I don't know. But so, yeah, pretty much. They call me, like, on camera. Like the nypd, they call me on camera pushing, like an old graffiti writer. And they were like, yo, this is you. And then like, this is you pushing the old man. And like, I. I couldn't deny I'd be like, no. I don't know. That picture seems a little blurry. So, like, I don't. That's pretty much what I've been up to. Yo, so how you. So how. Yeah, I got. What's your name?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sorry.

[Bert Kreischer]

So, angel, don't ever change.

[Angel Diaz]

I know, I'm sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, don't.

[Bert Kreischer]

Perfect.

[Brian Redban]

Put them in a jar. Let's keep it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I want to hire, like, it's a bug.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want to hire him and just

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

wake up every morning on the tour

[Bert Kreischer]

bus and go, we need bounty and spray paint.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Angel, I love Rick's idea. Put them in a mason jar and just show them off. If you shake. If you shake him a little bit, he slaps his butt.

[Martin Phillips]

Look,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Angel. Angel Diaz. So you give it up for air holes.

[Angel Diaz]

Yo, kid. Yo. Can I have that water? Is there any chance you guys could crack that water?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yes, please. Have a delicious water. Angel Diaz, what is your living. Wow. Oh, my goodness. See that wouldn't have. You wouldn't have gotten wet if.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wish I had a family right now. I'm a little wet. Angel,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

angel, what is your living situation in Austin, Texas, right now? Do you live here now?

[Angel Diaz]

Well, like, well, right. No, allegedly. Like. Well, I kind of stay with my sister, and she just had a baby, so I can't really stay there. Is anyone subletting a room? I'm going to stop him. I'm going to stop saying that. I'm sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But seriously, Lee, you live with your sister?

[Angel Diaz]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where? She lives in Austin?

[Angel Diaz]

Yeah, North Austin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you been in Austin?

[Angel Diaz]

Like, Wednesday. Since last Wednesday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where did you come from?

[Angel Diaz]

New York City.

[Bert Kreischer]

New York.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did you. How did you get here?

[Angel Diaz]

I took a plane, bro. Like, what the hell? I didn't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, no, there's been a lot of talk of Greyhound buses tonight, and if anybody that I know from this episode belongs on a Greyhound bus, buddy, it's you. You.

[Brian Redban]

By the way, the judgment he showed towards the other kill Tony guy for being on the Greyhound bus just now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

So up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony. Who the do you think I am, man? I took a spirit flight, dude.

[Angel Diaz]

Yo, I literally took a spirit flight. No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you remember your boarding position, by any chance?

[Angel Diaz]

Yo, I was a D26.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. That's pretty much last.

[Hans Kim]

Right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. I can't imagine what the guy behind you looked like.

[Brian Redban]

Okay, does anybody see my pants?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dude, the guy. The guy behind me stole my wallet with his feet. All right.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Do you date?

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you date?

[Angel Diaz]

Yeah. Yeah. Yo, wait, can I shout my girlfriend out?

[Bert Kreischer]

Nope.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, sure.

[Angel Diaz]

Could I. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Someone bleep it out.

[Angel Diaz]

Yo, shout out Johanna Von. Okay, I'm sorry. I should have never said that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. She is now under arrest. Deep Madness is actually going to bang her right now. You are fucking gold. Okay, so, angel, where'd you meet your girlfriend at?

[Angel Diaz]

All right, so I met her at. At a park and. Yo. But it was crazy the way I did meet her, though. So I saw her smoking a whole bunch of cigarettes, and then I was like. So I went to the store. Are you okay?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's. We're watching a legend.

[Bert Kreischer]

Was she sitting in the park and you walked up and said, yo, I'm the quicker picker upper?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. Watch Free Bird out now on Netflix.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love this kid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know. Me too.

[Bert Kreischer]

How much do you cost?

[Brian Redban]

We're not selling him today.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll pay for. For this kid just to be around me all the time.

[Angel Diaz]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Boom. Everybody loves.

[Angel Diaz]

I'm gonna stop doing that. I'm serious. I'm gonna stop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Brian Redban]

Bird. I can't wait to see the kind of trouble you get in when you

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

purchase him straight up for $2,100.

[Bert Kreischer]

I bet I. I bet I could get him for 35 grand?

[Angel Diaz]

More like 4,000. More like, like, no doubt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's a tough negotiator, Bert. He is Angel Diaz.

[Bert Kreischer]

35,000.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Keep your 31, Bert, a master negotiator.

[Brian Redban]

35 grand. I'll do it for four. Is anybody leasing a room?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Angel, Dia as will sleep in the gas tank of your tour bus. Bird.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, just give me a. I don't even need the money. Just give me a can of spray paint. Paper towels, dude. I'll do art. I'll deck out your boss, Bert. Okay, Angel. So let's talk about it. What jobs have you had before? I can't imagine you really holding down anything at all.

[Angel Diaz]

So I used to work at a halal. At a halal shop, and then I worked at a top. Yo, yo, yo. Does anyone. Is anyone gonna. Is anyone gonna pick that glass up? Like, what is going on?

[Bert Kreischer]

He's like a fucking goldfish.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is anyone.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like anything that happens around him, he's like funky.

[Angel Diaz]

Yo, I better hope no one's barefoot, you know? Jesus Christ. You know?

[Brian Redban]

He better hope.

[Bert Kreischer]

He better hope.

[Brian Redban]

Better hope.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hold on, wait for this hope. Is it coming?

[Brian Redban]

They. They better not hope, but he better hope.

[Bert Kreischer]

That was Obama's initial pitch. Better hope.

[Brian Redban]

Better hope.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Angel, you are so naturally funny. How long have you been doing stand up comedy?

[Angel Diaz]

I've been doing it for like two years now. And yo, actually, yo, if I had my phone, yo, last time I came to Austin, they were like, yo, never do. Never do comedy in Austin. We hate your guts. And like, I feel like, yo, I can't even, you know, I don't wanna.

[Martin Phillips]

I don't know.

[Angel Diaz]

I don't want to blow them up. I don't wanna. I don't wanna. Are you.

[Brian Redban]

There's. There's something so magical about laughing at someone and not with them.

[Angel Diaz]

Nah, Jerry, come on. I mean, so different.

[Brian Redban]

It hits different.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

His. His reactions to normal, everyday things are unbelievably funny.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like crowd work I've never seen before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you serious? Is crazy. You better hope nobody's barefoot. Is insane. Like, these are things. I mean, Rick is a crowd where. God. But I'm not quite sure I've seen anything. Always dxing the audience, Rick. I mean, as. As a crowd work, Sith Lord, you must admit, I'll say this.

[Brian Redban]

I don't think most people should be allowed to do crowd work. But I also think we all have to hope that no one is barefoot out there. And to hear it said, I went, yeah, that Makes sense. This guy's a master crushing water. I mean, this dude is doing it.

[Angel Diaz]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Even the way he hydrates his next level.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, he hydrates like he's very thirsty.

[Angel Diaz]

Yeah, I am. I am very thirsty right now. I actually do want to walk off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But why do you want to walk off, Angel?

[Angel Diaz]

I don't know. I just want to go home.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But why? What do you. What are you going to do when you get home? What are you looking forward to?

[Angel Diaz]

So, yo, actually, I got to watch the second half of Oppenheimer, so, like, I'm excited about that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. I would pay money to watch Oppenheimer with him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can't even imagine.

[Brian Redban]

Yo, are they. Yo, they just split the atom, man. For real, Man, I hope nobody was barefoot in there. Dude, that's radioactive. Can you imagine going home and his sister and the baby sitting there while he watches Oppenheimer?

[Bert Kreischer]

Can you walk me through what you've seen in Boppenheimer so far?

[Angel Diaz]

Yo, so I saw the. Yo, so I saw the part where they were like, oh, oh.

[Greg Bergman]

I.

[Angel Diaz]

So they were recruiting a whole bunch of guys, and then they were like, yo, maybe you're the one who could, like, help us really, like, build this. And they were like, yo, so who are we fighting against? And they were like, yo, the Nazis. And they were like, all right, bet. Let's just go fight it. Let's just go.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, bet.

[Brian Redban]

So I think maybe a movie review podcast.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's a movie that you finished recently? Angel Diaz.

[Brian Redban]

What's your favorite movie?

[Angel Diaz]

Oh, okay.

[Martin Phillips]

All right.

[Angel Diaz]

My favorite movie is the. The Tallahaga Knights.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The world famous Tallahaga Knights. Everybody. You know it. You love it. Everybody's seen with old Larry Bob.

[Greg Bergman]

Be.

[Angel Diaz]

That's. That y.

[Bert Kreischer]

You could not write this if you tried. You just give up. It is pure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is absolutely incredible. Can you give us a little synopsis? Yeah, a little synopsis of Tallahaga Knights.

[Angel Diaz]

Okay, so pretty much it starts off with, like, a guy that, like, he's like a race driver guy. And then, like, fucking. Towards the end, he gets, like, his bitch took.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Angel Diaz]

And then he has to, like, kind of, like, stun on her like, yo, I just came in number one. And then, like, the guy. But the guy is, like, his best friend that took his bitch. Keep that in mind. So he's like, keep that in mind.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's the name of the podcast that's coming back.

[Brian Redban]

Keep that in mind. Wow, that's so good. Good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I. I'm. I'm this interview has gone on too long, but I'm going to ask, what's one more movie that you've seen? Like, what's a serious movie? Not a comedy. I want something serious. You ever seen Forest Gump? How would you explain Forest Gump?

[Angel Diaz]

So in Forest Gump, I started off. No, I'm kidding. I. I was trying to be Forest, but now. All right, that was bad. I'm actually going to walk off now. No, I've seen. Yeah, I've seen Forrest Gump. That was a question, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you remember about Forrest Gump?

[Angel Diaz]

That he was kind of a little stupid and then.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But.

[Angel Diaz]

But, yo. But somehow he was there for everything, you know? I'm trying to say, like. Like, I don't know. Like, it was just like, yo, let's just have, like, this dumb guy as, like, a fly in the wall, you know? Like, that's pretty much the movie.

[Brian Redban]

Interesting concept.

[Angel Diaz]

He's back.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you know how that movie was sold old. How the pitch. This is a movie about a lucky.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Brian Redban]

Swear to God.

[Bert Kreischer]

So they said in the room, and the guy goes, I'm in. I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Amazing. That makes sense. Angel Diaz. I hate to do this. I've been doing this so often lately, and it's a real problem. The Internet's gonna hate me for this. I think Red band's furious. He's already groaning over here. But, angel, you are absolutely priceless. And you are indeed the newest golden ticket winner here on Chilton. There you go. Boom. There's the butt slap. Come back again. Every. The whole world needs to see you again. You're about as welcome as it gets in Austin, Texas, by the way. Angel Diaz. Holy. My God.

[Brian Redban]

He was real deal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Real deal where there's gonna be missing from now on around here.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tony. Right before he walked off, he goes. Right before he walked off, he goes, yo, can I throw this water in the crowd? And I went, no, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. He is real true trouble. Every once in a while, you need a little. Add a little pepper to the mix, A little diablo sauce, if you will. Angel Diaz is the newest winner of. Wait. I'm getting word. We. The mothership is out of paper towels.

[Brian Redban]

Wait a minute.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Brian Redban]

We somehow turned them into PCP in the back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, well, my sister's going to

[Brian Redban]

have a fun day day when this comes out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, God. Hey, yo, so check it out. Like, I have a reason to stay now. I'm gonna leave my In New York and the court. I'm just not gonna show up to court. I Got a whole thing going on now.

[Brian Redban]

Court's not happening.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Court's not happening. He's gonna. He's gonna avoid that case in New York City. All right, your next bucket poll. You guys having fun out there, huh? Your next bucket full goes by the name of Andrew Low, everybody. Andrew.

[Andrew Low]

Yo, yo, yo, what's going on, y'? All? How's it going tonight? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was told recently, y', all that I look like hyde from that 70s show. And yeah, I don't know if you keep up with the news or nothing like that, but, yeah, just pretty disgusting to be compared to somebody who's a known Scientologist. You know what I mean, guys? You know, because there's nothing worse than that, right, guys?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right now.

[Andrew Low]

I'm just kidding. He did do a couple rapes, though. He did do a couple rapes. So I just like to think that the guy that compared me to him was like, I haven't seen him on anything in a while. Like, I love that 70s show. What's he been in? And I was like, I don't know. You're probably not gonna see him in anything, actually. You're probably gonna fucking see him in jail. You'll see him there. But yeah, yeah. So don't really fuck with that. But you know what I do fuck with, though? I actually have a question, guys. I have a question for the audience. Be honest. Does anybody out here use the Coin stars? Anybody use Coin Star before? Make some noise. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Broke ass bitches. I'm not talking shit, though, because I'm a broke ass bitch. Obviously. I'm a comic, right? But if you haven't used the Coin star, if you don't know what it is, it's this fun little machine you'll find tucked away in the corner of the Walmart, right? And you just bring all your saved up coins and you just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Andrew Lowe, everybody trying to get through it. Do you have. Were you getting that towards the end there?

[Andrew Low]

Close, close.

[Greg Bergman]

Ish.

[Andrew Low]

Now it's good, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, all right. Okay. Andrew Low. Maybe it's just that Angel Diaz.

[Brian Redban]

We get angel back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I did. I did request that angel. Perhaps he might be back at it.

[Brian Redban]

What if we had angel do the same material and see if.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you have your material written down somewhere by any chance?

[Andrew Low]

Do I. Material written down? Yeah, no, I got.

[Angel Diaz]

I got it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, here's what we're going to do. We're going to have, just like he did with movie reviews, we're going to bring angel back and we're going to have him watch your set, and then he's going to give a synopsis of what you talked about. Is there any chance we have angel back there? Is Angel. Is angel still here? I think angel left. He's. We're getting word he's already finished. Oppenheimer.

[Andrew Low]

Gotta catch the end of it.

[Brian Redban]

ICE agents have taken him and then decided to release him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The ICE agents love Angel Diaz. He might actually be the one that could solve all of the America's problems right now. Is angel here? Did he wasn't able to get him. Okay, we have him.

[Hans Kim]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He might already be in a fight in the alleyway right now, everybody. This is incredible. Andrew, how long you been doing comedy?

[Andrew Low]

Probably like three, four years, give or

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

take three or four years.

[Brian Redban]

One thing I liked was you said, I don't know if you guys have seen the news, and then you told a joke about something that happened five years ago in the news. So that might not be the best intro into the Hyde raping.

[Andrew Low]

I mean, it was on the news recently, to be fair.

[Brian Redban]

He was.

[Andrew Low]

Yeah, just the trial thing, that was why somebody brought it up to me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, I've gotten word, ladies and gentlemen, that they were able to retrieve Angel Diaz. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the return of Angel Diaz. There he is, live in the flesh. A lot of people are so saying, America's new favorite comic, one of the all time greats, a superstar, Angel. Here's what we're gonna do. I want you to stand back here between Michael Gonzalez and D Madness. We're going to. I want you to watch Andrew Lowe's set, give me some notes, and then I want you to give, like you did with the movies, I want you to give a synopsis of what he talked about. All right, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Andrew Lowe, everybody. Here we go. Thank you. I appreciate it.

[Andrew Low]

All right, so let's get. Actually, let's really be honest though, because I didn't hear enough people. Make some noise because I know. Yeah, yeah. Has anybody used the Coin Star? Make some noise. Thank you to my fellow broke out there. All right, so if you haven't used the Coin Star, like I was saying, it's this fun little machine you find tucked away in the corner of the Walmart, right? And you walk up with your saved up box of coins, whatever the fuck you keep it in, right? And you just walk up, you, you. And that's the thing, it's so loud, it just lets everybody know in the general vicinity that, you know, you're not really doing so good right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, right.

[Andrew Low]

Because nobody's using the coin. Star is like, oh, I saved up some coins. I'm going to get myself something nice. And yeah, yeah, no, no, no. It's me high as hell in my Nike slides. Just like this nice. Needs to be $70 somehow or I'm totally shit out of luck. But it's not. It's like $40 minus three because there's a fee. And I'm like, are you kidding me? There's a fee? I'm down this bad and you're just gonna fuck me some more out here? And it's like, well, yeah. Cause you're still gonna take it like the good little coin slut that you are. Thanks, guys. This is my time.

[Angel Diaz]

Appreciate it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, two sets from man True low. Here's. Here's the synopsis by Angel Diaz. Angel, step up to that mic and if.

[Andrew Low]

If.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's say somebody hadn't seen what Andrew Low talked about, how would you describe it to them?

[Angel Diaz]

Yo, pretty much this guy is broke as. So you said you were. You said you were collecting coins and taking them to Walmart. Nigga, like, bro, you are broke. Like, you know, he's like, at this point, like, the only thing you're trying to find is like, probably, you know, those old coins or something. I feel like that's like your lucky thing, you know? Should I flit? No, you know what? I just gave this guy a kiss. Here, you.

[Eleazar Guzman]

Here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Andrew Low]

I do. I do take. I do take it to the Walmart sometimes. H E B. Depends.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pins by Angel Diaz. Angel, you know how to play any instruments? I just might make you like a band member full time or something. You know how to do anything. You know how to play like a. A

[Angel Diaz]

Can I. Yeah, yo, actually, I do. I know how to play the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is it.

[Angel Diaz]

Yo, yo, I know how to play. I know how to play the double keyboard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, not. No, you're not to replace one of these guys. You're going to be an addition to the band.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, wait. No one calls him the double keyboard.

[Brian Redban]

Only the double.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can play the double keyboard.

[Brian Redban]

Get your goddamn single keyboard. The out of here. I don't know how to play that.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's called piano. I can play the piano.

[Brian Redban]

The best was the. Look around, though. What do I play? Oh, of course. The most common instrument played by human beings. The double piano.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Angel, you know what we're going to give you is another can of delicious water. Bird, hand him that can of water.

[Bert Kreischer]

There you go. Let's Open it away from me this time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You burned it, Angel. Wow. Somehow a completely uncarbonated can of water, by the way. Somehow.

[Bert Kreischer]

So much bounty.

[Brian Redban]

I'll say this too. Angel is such a good presence that Andrew Low's set got better and better.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

And we got to hear the whole Coin star thing and it made more sense. I'm like, oh, this gave me motivation.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Appreciate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We'll never know how many people were laughing at the coin sir material or how many people in the room were slowly picking up on that. Angel literally has to lean in like that to be able to absorb. Is that also how you watch movies, Angel?

[Brian Redban]

Do you have to?

[Angel Diaz]

Yes. I'm actually very blind. I have a 1320 vision. I don't know. I don't know what else. I'm sorry. I don't have no idea what else to talk about anymore. I don't know. I. At this point, I'm just lying to everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perfect. The fact that you've run out of material is absolutely perfect. Angel, I'm so glad I gave you a golden ticket. Amazing. It's going to be a real hoop nanny next time. You're on.

[Brian Redban]

Tony. He can't miss you found a full bodied.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, look at him.

[Bert Kreischer]

Was anyone else showed up in the same clothes?

[Brian Redban]

Michael Jordan of something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he is. Sound effects for days. Every time he does something, something happens. All right, Andrew Low. Fun times. Just for the sake of your entire stuff upset being about or everyone thinking about Angel Diaz while you were up here, here's a big joke book. There's. There's nothing that could. There's nothing that could. You had to be here for what happened before you.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think you got a golden ticket, Angel. It's a little better than a joke

[Dedrick Flynn]

book

[Bert Kreischer]

you want, you know, with the golden ticket. You got a joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'll give you a joke book. There you go.

[Brian Redban]

That was for a second.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on to those things, Angel. Don't go selling them to someone in an alleyway, though. I could tell you're a real hustler, dude. I don't know how you survived.

[Brian Redban]

Can I get those cigarette bucks real quick? Is that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some noise. One more time for Angel Diaz and Andrew Low, everybody. There they go. Where's one more butts left? There goes Angel. All right. This has been a long episode. So this will be your final bucket pull of the night. And he goes by the name of Spencer Boone, everybody. Or go Spencer. Spencer Boone.

[Spencer Boone]

I like hot dogs and my mom has a tramp stamp. You can forgive your mom for getting a tramp Stamp when she's young. My mom was 44 in her third divorce. I don't think I should be able to remember my mom coming home with a tramp stamp. I definitely shouldn't have been old enough to drive away from the situation. A lot of people jerking off to cartoons these days. I don't like it. It's weird. It's weird and it's gross. Why are you doing that? Stop. A guy went to art school to draw cat ears and I don't like it. I'm bad at drawing hands and they're nailing tentacles. I'm a hypocrite, though. I grew up loving the Goofy movie. It's a great movie. I like hot dogs. I like hot dogs.

[Angel Diaz]

All right.

[Spencer Boone]

I'm Spencer Boone. Thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah, Spencer Boone. Very funny.

[Brian Redban]

Welcome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Spencer Boone]

Hey, how's it going?

[Brian Redban]

He's got a good. He's got great intro. I like hot dogs. Fits the face perfectly.

[Spencer Boone]

Thanks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And the body.

[Spencer Boone]

And the body.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No doubt about it.

[Martin Phillips]

It.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Spencer, how long you been on stand up?

[Spencer Boone]

Over six years now. Six years where at last three here. But I started in Virginia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice. What do you do for work?

[Spencer Boone]

I work at a rock and roll and horror movie shop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, sweet. Yeah, that's here.

[Spencer Boone]

Yeah, there's one right here on 6th

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

street right down there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Spencer Boone]

Across from Vulcan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. I still have not been there. I need to go in there.

[Spencer Boone]

Yeah, we got a bigger one in South Lamar. It's pretty sick. I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. Yeah, I love that. You must get interesting people coming in there. Anything crazy ever happen there,

[Spencer Boone]

man? A lot of dudes with autism coming in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Spencer Boone]

To be honest.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Spencer Boone]

We also sell like toys and figures. So it's like Ninja Turtles and like, you know, wrestling figures and stuff like that. And you meet the. You meet all sorts. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's awesome.

[Spencer Boone]

There's always a guy walking in like, I like turtles. And I'm like, yeah, I got you. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. How long have you worked there?

[Spencer Boone]

I started working there into 20, 23.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Spencer Boone]

Yeah, I like it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. That's so.

[Brian Redban]

Out of all the dudes who come in and ask or say they like turtles, how many of them would you say are virgins?

[Spencer Boone]

Oh, God. Sadly, it's usually dudes with families. It's not a lot of virgins. Yeah. It's like dudes come in with their kids. They're like, we all like turtles. I'm like, hell yeah. It's a family affair.

[Brian Redban]

Passing that shit on.

[Eleazar Guzman]

Yeah.

[Spencer Boone]

Collecting. They don't need you know, that's awesome.

[Bert Kreischer]

So do you have to know about all that to work there?

[Spencer Boone]

To a degree. It helps to, like, know about movies and music because we have bands ranging from classic rock through, like, death metal. So it's like. It's also a merch store, so the more familiarized you are, the easier it is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. What do you do for fun, Spencer?

[Spencer Boone]

Go to a lot of rock concerts? Concerts, events, or just live music in general?

[Eleazar Guzman]

Love.

[Andrew Low]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

What are favorite bands? Favorite bands?

[Andrew Low]

Yeah.

[Spencer Boone]

Oh, as far as, like, which genre? Because that's kind of hard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really.

[Bert Kreischer]

Anything.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's your favorite live shows.

[Spencer Boone]

I'd say the Acacia Strain.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, they're here. They're here in the audience, ladies and gentlemen.

[Spencer Boone]

That's my favorite metal band, but, I mean, last year I saw Wuang, and that was awesome.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Okay.

[Spencer Boone]

Yeah. Wuang. Run the Jewels.

[Greg Bergman]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The people from Albuquerque love Wuang. It's incredible. But Run the Jewels is the live.

[Greg Bergman]

Yeah, they are.

[Spencer Boone]

They were awesome. That was right there at Moody Center. It was sick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. Two rappers at once. Turns out it's like twice as entertaining as one rapper.

[Spencer Boone]

Yeah. And then Wu Tang's like, seven dudes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're like, yeah, yeah, absolutely. I know when I'm surrounded by seven dudes, I get Sharon Ruth Hensley would call hard as a rock. Okay. So, Spencer Boone. You in love? No. Okay.

[Spencer Boone]

Briefly. Dated a girl over the holidays and that ended up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But how did that end?

[Spencer Boone]

Just wasn't feeling the vibe anymore.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Right.

[Brian Redban]

You ended it.

[Spencer Boone]

It was mutual. Like, we're. Neither of us were kind of, like, really looking for a relationship. At least I wasn't really. I kind of fell into it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. When you say you fell into it, what exactly does that mean?

[Spencer Boone]

I work at a horror movie. Metal shop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Spencer Boone]

You know, you meet a lot of goth girls.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay, hold on.

[Brian Redban]

Red band. What do you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's moaning. He's doing his growl. For those of you that don't want. If you're wondering if what we're talking about. Red band does a thing when he wants to talk, but doesn't have anything to say, where he just goes. We all hear it up here, but the mic's not near him, so you don't know that he's doing it. Like he has a thought about something. Okie dokie. Goth girls.

[Brian Redban]

Horrible hygiene usually, right?

[Spencer Boone]

Not in my experience. I don't know what goth girls you've

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

been with, but yeah, some real dirt

[Bert Kreischer]

balls o run through some goth girl stereotypes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Condominium.

[Spencer Boone]

Not typically.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Brian Redban]

That's definitely they want to die. Bert. Why would they use condoms?

[Angel Diaz]

But.

[Spencer Boone]

But that's. Say, I don't. I don't get with just goth girls. It's been a lot of Latinas since I've been in Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh, Latinas. What do you notice is the difference between Latinas and goth girls?

[Spencer Boone]

They're worse when blended together.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Ah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, there's a big Latina goth movie.

[Zach Townsend]

Yeah.

[Spencer Boone]

They take it too seriously.

[Brian Redban]

You don't want to. Morrissey fans.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no.

[Bert Kreischer]

That is the most fascinating thing in culture. The Mexican community attaching itself to Morrissey is, like, mind blowing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm hoping that'll happen to me somehow. That, like, I'll show up and it'll just be paralyzed people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I'll be like, what did I do to get just people in wheelchairs?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is incredible.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's the shirt. Have you ever thought about performing shirtless?

[Angel Diaz]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

You want to try?

[Spencer Boone]

That's never crossed my mind once.

[Bert Kreischer]

It works for you, maybe.

[Brian Redban]

Bert, no one can do that now. If anyone does it, they just say they're ripping you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, you'd be shocked.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

A lot of shirtless comedians these days. I swear to God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There are.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I'm sure you find out about

[Brian Redban]

when everyone started releasing crowd work clips.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Angel Diaz is going to be releasing a couple. Couple?

[Brian Redban]

Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We love Angel Diaz. There's one lady literally having an orgasm over there. Okay, cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I give one piece of constructive criticism to the comic? To another comic? These. All the jokes you're telling. When you get better at comedy will be better. Just keep writing and then revisit these when you're better at comedy, because, like, the idea of your mom getting a tramp stamp and you shouldn't be able to drive away from. That's funny. You just haven't figured out the right. Right.

[Spencer Boone]

They're also shortened for the minute. These are longer bits.

[Bert Kreischer]

I do.

[Spencer Boone]

Yeah. More details and things so I don't typically do. Just a minute.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How does the tramp stamp joke go, if you don't mind me asking? A longer version? Can we hear the unedited, unplugged Spencer Boone?

[Spencer Boone]

Her tramp stamp matches her PT Cruiser. She had.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I love that.

[Spencer Boone]

Yeah, it was a pink. It was a purple and blue butterfly with the word crazy beneath it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my. Oh, are you serious? Is that real?

[Zach Townsend]

That's real.

[Bert Kreischer]

And she had that on her PT Cruiser also?

[Spencer Boone]

No, but she had a purple PT Cruiser with blue flames on it, and the license plate said crazy.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My mom.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think you picked the Wrong part. The joke to tell.

[Brian Redban]

Why wouldn't you bring your mom?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

It feels like this should be a comedy duo. I bet mom crushes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, not quite. Is mom a funny lady?

[Spencer Boone]

Not really.

[Brian Redban]

Really.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now where's she at? Is she in Virginia still?

[Spencer Boone]

She's in Virginia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. So, like, you're. You're home in Virginia is at a very small population.

[Spencer Boone]

Yeah, I'm from Orange County, Virginia. It's very small.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us about it.

[Spencer Boone]

It's a. It's a farm county. I mean, I think the whole county has, like, 35, 000 people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you anywhere near the. What's that one family called? The famous.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, the Trumps?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, the.

[Brian Redban]

I think that's West Virginia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The wonderful whites.

[Spencer Boone]

The Waltons.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The whites. The wonderful whites.

[Spencer Boone]

I don't know. I don't think so. We're in Virginia. I think that's more westward Virginia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That makes sense.

[Angel Diaz]

Yeah.

[Spencer Boone]

I'm in, like, the Shando valley area.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. 35, 000. What did you do for work when you were there?

[Spencer Boone]

I used to work in a T shirt factory.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Spencer Boone]

Used to make band merch, so that was cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at you.

[Spencer Boone]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Spencer, you're a very funny guy. Congratulations. Great time times. Here's a big joke book.

[Big Vinnie]

Awesome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go.

[Spencer Boone]

Thank you guys so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Spencer. Boo.

[Spencer Boone]

Have a great night. Appreciate it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Good job, buddy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He gave that to you? Okay. All right. We're getting word that Angel Diaz has brought his notes. How did. How did you get those? In the bathroom. You ran into Angel Diaz in the bathroom and he gave you his notes? All right, well, it actually does say me. Can you please. Can you please come tomorrow between 10am and maybe 1pm and fix the AC unit? That's his text. And he said, I'm doing a live video. He read this. Oh, they're kicking you out. There you go. That's what happens.

[Brian Redban]

That's the exact kind of foreigner we need to get out of this country. God damn it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That guy's just drunk enough to know that angel did this joke or not know that angel did that joke on stage.

[Brian Redban]

Was he British?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But we should keep that. Hold on to that. We're going to put that in the Kill Tony museum one day. It is incredible. His handwriting is very youthful. Incredibly. I don't know if you have a shot at that. Yeah. Childlike. Wonderful. You would think a graffiti artist has better handwriting, but now. All right, everybody, here's the reality. William Montgomery is sick again. Everyone. That's right. The most vaccinated person in the show's history somehow gets sick once a month. What are the odds, Ari? Maddie got snowed into Austria, Estonia, everyone. I know the controversial controversy is wild, but I do have one remaining special treat that you guys might like. Ladies and gentlemen, this is one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. Here to close us out, make some noise for the one and only Martin Phillips, everybody.

[Hans Kim]

What's up?

[Martin Phillips]

Cool. Hey, sorry. I started to do this new thing on dating apps. I use my baby pictures and then I say swipe right if you want to see how it turned out. And you know, they're, they're like, oh my God, what happened? Like, chill out, chill out. It's been 30 years, okay? Has anyone ever used a. Anyone ever? I didn't know. Or you have to lube it, you know? Cause I was doing it and I was like, this hurts. I don't know if I'm gonna come, but I might bleed, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Martin Billups, as consistent as it gets. The most wobbly, rock solid comedian in the world. You did it again. Amazing set, Rick. Is this your first time seeing Martin?

[Brian Redban]

This is my first time. Fantastic. You know, I would mainly I would just say straighten up, do what you gotta do.

[Martin Phillips]

I. I've been trying. I've been trying.

[Brian Redban]

Okay, you know what? Maybe, maybe do a little coke or something.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Something.

[Brian Redban]

See if it can calm the nerves a little.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you have the sweater of Bill Cosby and the movement of a lady that just got a drink from him. What? It's like he's standing on ice right now.

[Martin Phillips]

Like throw without ice and slip it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. How is this weather treating you? How are you surviving? How did you get here?

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, I think God have shows in Florida, baby.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Call you baby. I have shows in Florida, baby. He's like a 1940s gangster. Shakes over here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

See? Been doing took over the city of Miami, baby. I love it. Martin, did you get that sweater over Christmas? It looks great.

[Martin Phillips]

Well, thanks. I. I don't get to wear of sweaters too often, so I'm really pumped to wear like sweaters.

[Bert Kreischer]

Cuz you stretch the out of them trying to put them on.

[Martin Phillips]

That's what you do with your.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well played, brother.

[Brian Redban]

The nerve of the shirt off guy putting a shirt on joke.

[Bert Kreischer]

The nerve of a guy who I don't think can fight.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. Put up the. Put up your dukes, baby. You got a knuckle sandwich coming here, guy. You want a Cosmic shenanigans.

[Brian Redban]

The worst Dick Tracy villain of all time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Martin, tell us about Florida. How did it Treat you.

[Martin Phillips]

It was really nice. You know, you can on. But then you go there. You're like, I get it. You know that guy. I retired there, too. I, you know, but then they act like gated communities. It's like, what are you protecting yourself from?

[Greg Bergman]

From?

[Martin Phillips]

Like, there's a very nice neighborhood.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where were you at in Florida?

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, I went down to. I went to two retirement communities of Naples, Florida, and Boca Raton.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Martin Phillips]

And Wesley Chapel. And now it's like Tampa and Auburn. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Were you. Why you were visiting. Were talking retirement communities?

[Martin Phillips]

Well, I'd say it's that the joke was old people typically live in Naples and. But if you're from Florida, the Florida people. Watch it. This guy can't say, yeah, Bert is.

[Bert Kreischer]

I grew up from Florida.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Florida correspondent.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I grew up in Florida.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

I think he was just implying he did. Cities. In those cities.

[Greg Bergman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Stand up in those cities.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. He's just. You didn't know there was a translation thing?

[Martin Phillips]

Who.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who's the.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, did I just. Did I just catch a shrapnel?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're getting a little bit lit up right now, Bert.

[Bert Kreischer]

Jesus Christ. I'm not going to buy this one for Free Bird.

[Brian Redban]

Free Bird is on Netflix.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Angel Diaz is watching it right now. We're going to hear a synopsis. It's going to be next week, Bert. We're going to get the Free Bird synopsis. So basically, there's like this fat guy with a family.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're never going to believe it. He looks just like you.

[Brian Redban]

I want to hear angel describe cerebral palsy to the rest of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, like, basically, God didn't like this guy. I. Damn. Did you get to see Angel Diaz tonight?

[Martin Phillips]

I saw the Ant. I. I had the gist.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You kind of had to see the whole thing. He slaps his butt sometimes.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Well,

[Martin Phillips]

I take it out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God, Martin, I love you so much.

[Brian Redban]

Great attitude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're so consistent. You're so, so powerful. Catch him everywhere. Catch him on the Killers of Kil Tony and his own tour. Guys, how loud can this place get for the great Rick Ingram and Bert Kreischer, everybody. Rick has crowd pleaser. Go to the Comedy Store YouTube page and watch it immediately after this, please. And then, or before or in any order, go to Netflix and watch Free Bert. These guys have unbelievable things out there right now. This episode's been brought to you by Quo ZipRecruiter and Shopify. Did you guys have a good time? Red Dan, Check out the secret show every Thursday, Sunset Strip, atx, Dot com.

[Martin Phillips]

Love you guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We are going back to. To Los Angeles, where it all started in May, to the Intuit Dome, the largest ever venue that we've ever done, bigger than the O2 arena, bigger than Madison Square Garden, to do a little show that started in front of 12 people. Two of those 12 were Lainey and Jerry in the Comedy Store Belly Room, which all started with the first guest ever on the show. One more time for Rick Ingram. One more time for Burt Cry Shirt. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody. She's wide awake in her whiskey hole.