#745 - JAMES MCCANN + JEFF DYE

Summary

Kill Tony Podcast Episode #745 – James McCann + Jeff Dye (Nov 25, 2025)

Overview

This episode of Kill Tony, hosted by Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban from Austin's Comedy Mothership, features comedian guests James McCann and Jeff Dye. As always, aspiring comedians are randomly selected from "the bucket" for a chance to perform one minute of stand-up, followed by interviews and roasts from the hosts, band, and guests. The episode is marked by a mix of awkward debuts, running inside jokes, sincere backstories, and sharp-tongued humor, with highlights including Kansai Yasuda’s return (complete with ramen), recurring Kill Tony regular Dedrick Flynn, live commentary from the a cappella group Straight No Chaser, and a viral stand-up meltdown story from resident regular William Montgomery.

---

Key Segments & Highlights

---

1. Introduction & Guest Intros

[00:49 - 03:43]

• Redban kicks off from the Comedy Mothership in Austin.
• Tony Hinchcliffe welcomes the band and introduces guests James McCann (promoting his new poetry book "Disquieting Levels of Egg" and special "Black Israelite") and Jeff Dye (with his new "Die Hard" podcast).
• The hosts joke about James’ book replacing Huckleberry Finn in schools:
  • James McCann: “My book of poems, 38 n-words. We got it down as a gift for the people of this country.” [03:13]

---

2. Comedian: Kansai Yasuda

[05:20 - 22:43]

• Kansai returns, addressing rumors about his accent being fake and performs a “good English” bit.
• Recalls a Philly high school experience, reveals his Korean/Japanese heritage, and jokes about Asian-American cultural tropes.
• Shares his ramen-based gift, taping hot noodles to his back, for Tony and the crew.
  • Tony: “He’s getting more Asian while trying to sound less Asian. It is happening in front of our eyes.” [09:10]
  • Tony (on the ramen): “If I get food poisoning from this, I swear to God, I’m gonna be very mad.” [21:00]

---

3. Comedian: Tariq Morales

[23:32 - 30:43]

• New to Austin, Tariq describes being “the Blackest thing in Boise, Idaho.”
• Shares upbringing by a Black stepdad, who made him keep company in the bathroom while chain-smoking Newports—“pre-cell phone times.”
  • Tariq: “Are you talking about my mom, motherfucker? ... Give her the whole dick, right?” [24:21]
• Reveals passion for Vietnamese gongs and brings energy to the interview.

---

4. Comedian: Diego Delgadillo

[31:47 - 38:59]

• Opens with jokes on being mistaken for kitchen staff, getting free Qurans from Uber, and his cousin’s OnlyFans.
• Candid about not working, recent moves for love, producing news while barely speaking Spanish, and being an unmotivated boyfriend.
• The panel roasts Diego for his lack of job skills and sex prowess.

---

5. Comedian: Frank (The Return)

[39:42 - 47:04]

• Frank’s second-ever attempt at stand-up, responding to Reddit hate and death threats.
  • Tony: “No one remembers you... You had another chance. I don’t even know what happened last time.” [40:40]
• Performs a “boo jeans” joke to tepid response; guests question if he has jokes at all.
• Tony asks for the return of his “little joke book” as a symbol for needing real practice before coming back.

---

6. Comedian: Bob (aka Robert)

[49:46 - 57:38]

• Bob, after 3 years of signing up under the name Robert, finally gets picked.
• Eccentric and stoic, opens up about his “beverage company,” building an electric Chinese pedicab, and life as a handyman.
• Claims to shoot roadkill with a camera “for fun” and speaks about past lives as a pirate.
  • Bob: “I have no concept of time.” [55:05]

---

7. Comedian: Benny Benoit

[58:19 - 68:38]

• Louisiana pool boy, jokes about incest stereotypes, Tinder “cripple catfish” disaster.
• Candid about hooking up with his ‘catfish’ date in the backseat of a Subaru after missing his bucket spot; the panel roasts him for his questionable life choices and "chemical bomb" incident involving pool supplies.
  • Benny: “I made a chemical bomb a couple weeks ago.” [66:42]

---

8. New Regular: Dedrick Flynn ("The Dark Storm of Atlanta")

[69:25 - 73:20]

• Delivers energetic, cleverly written material about aging, acid reflux, and black culture.
• Talks about loving monster truck rallies and being into hardcore bands.
  • Dedrick: “I could fight, but I can’t heal. I’m like a reverse Wolverine... We just gotta die after this.” [70:08]
• Riffing sequence about “being in there” for any fun activity—audience loves it.

---

9. Comedian: Charlie She (Chen, returning regular, trans comic)

[75:56 - 89:50]

• Jokes on racism, Jewish stereotypes, and why “racism doesn’t have to be evil.”
• Candid discussion of being trans, working in IT at a university, and long-distance relationships.
• Responds to host’s questions about transitioning, Asian parents’ reactions, and defining trans identity.
  • Charlie: “Not gay at all. Totally just Charlie getting butt by a dude. Why do you clump me with the gays?” [89:00]
  • Jeff Dye: “You might be the most reasonable trans person I’ve ever met.” [84:33]

---

10. Comedian: Asher Casson

[90:51 - 106:23]

• Shares story about an ex’s offhand comment regarding penis size, measuring up with a TV remote.
• Talks openly about porn addiction (“Black porn for sure. They talk during sex... I didn’t know as a Caucasian I was allowed to do that.” [93:54]) and having a Black child named Rocco with his ex.
• Recent firing for taking time off for Kill Tony.

---

11. Comedian: Josh Canada (Kenyatta)

[106:23 - 114:01]

• Two years into comedy, recently married, talks superhero movies and Jewish stereotypes.
• Gets hilariously roasted by acapella group Straight No Chaser for an unfunny set:
  • Straight No Chaser (singing): “That set was not funny... rather hear bags and boxes...” [109:06]
• Attempts to redeem himself; remains a likable, humble sport.

---

12. Kill Tony Hall of Famer: William Montgomery

[115:38 - 126:14]

• Shares a viral story about being heckled and booed during a festival show, opening up about the difficulty of performing for non-comedy, crowdwork-obsessed audiences.
• The panel commiserates over clean, “woke church” crowds who don’t appreciate punchline-based material.
  • William: “It was not only not laughter, it was also boos… like the entire time.” [124:45]
• Ends with William’s acknowledgment of struggles and love for the supportive Kill Tony audience.

---

Notable Quotes & Moments

• [09:10] Tony (About Kansai): "He’s getting more Asian while trying to sound less Asian. It is happening in front of our eyes."
• [24:21] Tariq Morales: “Are you talking about my mom, motherfucker?... Give her the whole dick, right?”
• [40:40] Tony (to Frank): "No one remembers you... You had another chance. I don’t even know what happened last time."
• [66:42] Benny Benoit: “I made a chemical bomb a couple weeks ago.”
• [70:08] Dedrick Flynn: “I could fight, but I can’t heal. I’m like a reverse Wolverine... We just gotta die after this.”
• [89:00] Charlie She: "Not gay at all. Totally just Charlie getting butt by a dude. Why do you clump me with the gays?”
• [93:54] Asher Casson: “Black porn for sure. They talk during sex... I didn’t know as a Caucasian I was allowed to do that.”
• [109:06] Straight No Chaser: “That set was not funny... rather hear bags and boxes...”
• [124:45] William Montgomery: “It was not only not laughter, it was also boos… like the entire time.”

---

Section Timestamps

• 00:49: Show start, guest intros
• 05:20: Kansai Yasuda (ramen, accent controversy, backstory)
• 23:32: Tariq Morales (dad talk, Black/Puerto Rican identity)
• 31:47: Diego Delgadillo (work/love life, cousin on OnlyFans)
• 39:42: Frank (Reddit hate, ‘boo jeans’ joke, book repo)
• 49:46: Bob (eccentric handyman, beverage startup)
• 58:19: Benny Benoit (Louisiana pool boy, cripple catfish, chemical bomb)
• 69:25: Dedrick Flynn (regular spot, acapella band, “in there” riff)
• 75:56: Charlie She (trans identity, Asian mom, detailed Q+A)
• 90:51: Asher Casson (ex-girlfriend, porn addiction, Black baby)
• 106:23: Josh Canada (Comedy roasted by Straight No Chaser)
• 115:38: William Montgomery (viral meltdown story, hostile crowd)
• 126:59: Wrap-up, plugs, credits

---

Conclusion

Episode #745 is classic Kill Tony, blending unfiltered crowd work, genuine advice, and wild stories. Guests James McCann and Jeff Dye riff effortlessly with Tony and the panel, alternating between support, roast, and darkly comedic observations. Kansai Yasuda’s ramen gift, the accidental chemical bomb, and a cappella roasts keep the energy unpredictable, while regulars like Dedrick Flynn and William Montgomery demonstrate why the show continues to draw such a rabid, diverse fan base. If you want big laughs, cringe moments, and real life mixed together, this episode delivers.

---

For aspiring comedians: Don’t just do Kill Tony—hit open mics, practice, and “don’t clunk up the bucket” for others!

For regular fans: Prepare for everything from ramen to existential discussions about comedy, sexuality, and the perils of Reddit.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever. Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony.

[B]

It's glad.

[A]

Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Make some noise for Brian Redban, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God. How about one more time for the best damn band in all the land. Raul Vallejo. Fernando Castillo. Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nacho Belgrande. Huevos ranchero. Si, senor. The great Matt Muhling on the electric guitar. John Dees on the keys. And that is live in the flesh. The one and only D Madness. Ladies and gentlemen, this episode is brought to you by Talkspace, ZipRecruiter and Tacovas. Ladies and gentlemen, what an episode we have for you. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show Every. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what, huh? Every single week, I have two of the funniest comedians in the world on the show this week. Absolutely no different. In fact, it's amped up two of my favorite comedians in the world right now. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for tonight's guests. It's the return of James McCan and Jeff D. Oh.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

James McCann, one of the best guests in the history of this show. Same with Jeff. Motherfucking die is back. James McCann's new special black Israelite. Out everywhere. He's got a new poetry book. The disquieting loads of aids.

[C]

Disquieting levels of eggs. New book of poems by James Donald Forbes McCann. The number one best selling book of poems by an Australian now out right now. Disquieting levels of egg tiny. People love these poems.

[A]

He has poems out there.

[C]

We are replacing Huckleberry Finn in American school syllabuses because there were too many N words in Huck Finn. There were 52n words. My book of poems. 38n words. We got it down as a gift for the people of this country.

[A]

It's perfect. Jeff Dye. Jeff Dye loves it. Jeff Dye has the new Die Hard podcast. He's on tour all the time@jeff die.com. yeah, we're in it. You guys have both been here before. How you doing? How do you feel?

[C]

Happy to be here.

[D]

Good job with Yakapella boys.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Yes.

[D]

First time I've ever seen the band nervous.

[A]

Yeah, they travel light those acapella.

[D]

We're always sizing up the other comedians like, ah. But it's the first time the band was on their toes. Like, who the are these guys?

[A]

Yeah, they were D Madness was looking down for the first time ever. Yeah. So we're going to have a lot of fun. You guys have both done the show before. You know how it works. Over 300 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity to be on tonight's show. If I pull one of their names out of this bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Very exciting. I'm gonna let this soon to be deported illegal immigrant pick the first name out of the bucket here tonight. Very so right off the top. Very nice. Oh, he double checked it and it is on. While we go wrangle that comedian to start tonight's show, I have one of our esteemed golden ticket winners has just arrived on a plane to come to this show for this spot. You know him as a man from Toronto, Canada, who's very Asian, who famously sits around eating ramen noodles all day while his girlfriend is a waitress at the ramen place. This is the long awaited return of Kansai Yasuda.

[E]

Thank you. Hi, guys. Did you guys know that most of the fentanyl was manufactured in Japan? I was surprised at the beginning, but it kind of makes sense that they were making it in Japan because police in Japan would never realize if Japanese people are high on fentanyl or just being really, really respect. Speaking of fentanyl, any Chinese people in this crowd, if there is, as a Japanese person, sorry for everything. I think Japan did terrible things to China back in World War II. So I think in my opinion, as a Japanese person, I think Japan deserved the first bomb. But second one, it's too much. So I never understood the second one. Never did. Until just recently I figured out I was using a microwave. I Put my food out and my food wasn't piping hot enough. I was like, why is Hot Pocket not surrendering? So I had to nuke it again.

[A]

Thank you, Kansai Yasuda. Welcome back, Kansai. A fantastic style set to get things started tonight.

[E]

Appreciate it. Thank you.

[A]

We've missed you. What's been going on in life, ksai, what have you been up to since the last time we saw you?

[E]

It's been amazing, but I just have a one concern.

[A]

Yes, what is your concern?

[E]

So the people in Reddit think I have a fake accent.

[A]

Oh, really?

[E]

And it's. And it's. It's true. I speak really good English.

[A]

You do?

[E]

Can I try?

[A]

Yeah. Let's hear some of the really good English from Kansai Yasuda, who's very Asian and eats ramen all day.

[E]

Hi, my name is Kansai and I speak really, really good English. My favorite color is blue, red and white. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[A]

Yes, it's pretty good. I mean color. You said color in the middle of all that. I don't know if anybody else noticed that. If I said my favorite color, you'd be like, wow, Tony got Asian as fuck in the middle of that.

[E]

It's perfect, Tony. I'm sorry for lying.

[A]

It was almost. Almost perfect. The kalara.

[E]

My favorite color.

[A]

My favorite color.

[E]

My favorite color. My family call.

[A]

Watch. Watch me say it. Ready? My favorite color, my fable.

[E]

They call it

[A]

somehow more Asian than all the times before that. My favorite color.

[E]

My belly.

[A]

You were so focused on the color that you forgot about. Favorite. Watch me one more time. My favorite color, my fable. It's getting more Asian. Ladies and gentlemen, this is unprecedented. What's happening here. We've never seen anything like it. He's getting more Asian while trying to sound less Asian. It is happening in front of our eyes.

[E]

My favorite color is.

[A]

What are these extra beats? It's like you're skipping like a cd. It's my favorite.

[F]

Cut it.

[E]

Cut.

[G]

Color.

[B]

Watch.

[A]

Watch me one more time. My favorite color.

[E]

My favorite color.

[A]

It's literally like subtitles. Damn it. My favorite color.

[E]

My favorite color is. It's hard.

[A]

Who thinks you are faking this Asian accent?

[E]

I. I don't know. Other Asian people.

[A]

Maybe other Asian people think you're faking your Asian accent.

[E]

I don't know. Maybe people in Reddit. Ah, Reddit.

[A]

Wow. Reddit. Reddit, Very. You say that well.

[E]

Reddit.

[A]

Okay, very good. That's enough shout outs for Reddit there. Liberal psychopaths. You're giving way too much attention To. So, Kansai, tell us about your actual life. What's new? What's different since the last time we saw you?

[E]

Different?

[A]

When you're thinking, we can hear a specific noise when you go like that and you try to think of something.

[E]

Long time ago, I was eating ramen alone in my den and I met my girlfriend.

[A]

All right. What's been going on?

[E]

What's going on in my life? I. I finished a tour. I finished a tour. A tour?

[A]

A tour?

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Wait, what? How did you say it?

[E]

A tour.

[A]

Oh, very good.

[E]

A tour. Yeah.

[C]

A tour.

[E]

Yeah. And. Yeah. I went back to my high school.

[A]

Oh.

[E]

I went to high school in Philly.

[A]

Philly roll.

[E]

Philadelphia. Yeah.

[A]

The home of the Philly roll?

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

The Philadelphia roll? Yeah. What are your thoughts on a Philadelphia roll? Sushi with cream cheese and salmon.

[E]

That's not sushi. It's a different type of sushi.

[A]

It's American sushi, isn't it?

[E]

Yeah, it's like sushi burger. Like. Yeah, yeah, it's different. Yeah, but I like it. I I with it. I with it, dog.

[A]

Ok, tell us about going back to your high school in Philly. What was that like?

[E]

It was Philly was not. I mean, it was my. I met my dean counselor. He didn't remember me.

[A]

You were probably on the honor roll there, right? Is that your favorite sushi in Philly? I will have a number three, the honor Rol.

[E]

I got. I got. I got. I had to transfer that school because I got beat up. Whoa.

[A]

Asian hate.

[E]

No, my dad beat me up.

[A]

Oh, perfect. That makes sense because what did he beat you up for? Getting a B?

[E]

No, because I was hanging out with a bunch of black people in Philly.

[A]

Oh, wow. My goodness.

[E]

My dad didn't like it.

[A]

If they don't beat you up, dad will.

[E]

Dad will.

[A]

Yeah. So how did your dad find out you were hanging out with the blacks? Or as you call it, the Brax?

[E]

The black Black. My. I was Skyping with my dad. Skype. You guys remember a Skype?

[A]

Skype was a thing when you were in high school.

[E]

Yeah, I was.

[A]

How old are you?

[E]

I'm 29.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

Yeah, Skype was the. The best thing ever.

[A]

Wow. You guys must have had it first. You must have made. Did you make it yourself?

[E]

I don't know.

[A]

Maybe I created a Skype so that I can do my phone.

[C]

It's hard in Japan, though, if you Skype the wrong person. Cause it can take like two or three minutes to figure out that you're talking to someone. You don't know, but I want that. Is there pressure on you now that Japanese people are considered to be the best at baseball now? That's huge.

[D]

Sorry.

[C]

Baseball. You're really good at baseball. You dominate baseball. Like, America got you with the nuclear weapons, but you're coming back with the World Series.

[A]

Yeah. The nuclear energy seems to have created a lot of hit baseball players with extreme powers. They can pitch, they can hit, they can do everything. They're winning championships. We're seeing the. The. The.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

The evolution of the Japanese baseball player. You guys used to be very small. We hit you with nuclear bombs. Now you're huge in hitting home runs.

[E]

Thank you so much.

[A]

Yeah. That is what we did.

[E]

I appreciate. Thank you.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. I noticed in your set, you know, I. I've watched a lot of World War II documentaries, but I didn't know a lot about Japan attacking China in that.

[B]

That.

[A]

That's a big part of it.

[E]

Yeah. It's like a big.

[A]

I skip over that. That's the boring part. The Asian side of World War II. I'm like, who gives a.

[H]

It's like.

[A]

It's like soccer to me. I'm like, I don't really care. I'll watch actual football. Let me see those Germans versus the English over here. You know what I mean?

[I]

I should.

[A]

What did the Japanese do to the Chinese? You. You. I'm sure. Our local historian, James mc.

[C]

It was a lot of las. There was a lot of laping.

[A]

What. What the. Are you saying? How do you have the thickest accent up here all of a sudden?

[E]

What are you saying?

[A]

There are a lot of labor. What is that?

[C]

Laping.

[A]

What the.

[C]

We were leaping.

[B]

All the women

[A]

got it. Yes. A lot of leaping.

[C]

It was really. The Koreans are very upset about.

[E]

Oh, yes.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[E]

My.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

My dad is also.

[C]

He's also upset about it.

[A]

Yeah. Korean.

[E]

He's Korean.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[E]

So it's like they.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[E]

But my mom is Japanese.

[C]

Oh, yeah. If it's the other way around, people aren't too happy about that.

[E]

Yeah.

[J]

Yeah.

[D]

But it was like, yeah, that's an unlikely pairing.

[E]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

How did that happen?

[E]

Yeah. So my. My dad didn't tell my mom that he was Korean.

[D]

Oh, seriously?

[E]

Yeah. And they got me.

[D]

When I was in Japan, I was always like, I thought racism was just, like, white guys. And then I was like, I don't know why everyone thinks racism is exclusive to white guys. And there are, like, a person that was with us, she was like, that's true. We hate the Koreans. And I was like, Jesus Christ.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

So, like, the fact that your parents did that, that's honorable.

[E]

It's a. Thank you. Thank you.

[D]

It's good to see.

[E]

Thank you so much.

[A]

So are you the only child out of this Korean, Japanese, Bibimbap family? Yeah.

[E]

Yeah, just me. Just me.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

You're an only child?

[E]

Yeah. And they have me late, too.

[J]

They.

[E]

They were like, 38 years old when they had.

[A]

How old?

[E]

38 years old.

[A]

I thought you said 78. But I thought you said. God, that accent is juicy tonight concept. They were a 78. Or when they heard of me, I heard Chef die.

[D]

Wait, so your dad's Korean, your mom's Japanese, you flew in from Canada. You're wearing the Canadian there.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

You said you went to school in Philly. What the going on with you, dude?

[E]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

It's very confusing.

[E]

So my dad was born in Japan, but he was. He's, like, kind of Korean. Yeah.

[A]

I don't know whether to call ice or rice right now. This is absolutely incredible. We're cracking a case right now.

[E]

Then I. I was born in Japan as a baby, and then a little baby bulgogi.

[A]

A little baby bop.

[E]

I was a baby. And then after that, I went to. I was really doing really bad in school.

[A]

You were doing Bidybab?

[E]

Yeah. I was what?

[A]

Very bad.

[E]

Very, very. I was doing very bad. I was very bad in school. And then. And I went to. And my parents sent me to school in Philly.

[C]

It's like your life is the opposite of Tokyo Drift.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Like, the Japanese people sent you over to America to learn how to drive in a straight line.

[K]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[E]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

Also, how is school better in Philly than it is in.

[E]

It was like a detention school. Yeah.

[D]

They're better at punishing you.

[E]

Yeah. There's a lot of black. And then.

[C]

And then your dad was like, wait a minute, there's black guys here. I didn't know that.

[E]

I didn't know that.

[D]

Let's go to Canada.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Where can we go where there are no abrasives? Canada looking very good. All right. Are you close with your family, or is it like a normal Asian thing? Like, okay, do you love your mom or. And everything. Do you love your mom? There you go.

[B]

All right.

[E]

All right.

[A]

Very good. I have a red band trying to shoehorn a love you long time audio joke. And you want to hit it again nice and clean so that me love you long time. There you go. Red band.

[D]

I was wondering, because that was the worst question I've ever heard?

[A]

Yeah. Does your mom love you loving your family? So does your mom love you a little bit or perhaps? Very good. All right. Yes. Welcome to the lowest point in Kiltoni history. Ladies and gentlemen, Kansai. This interview has gone on so long. You're so entertained. Oh, yes. Go ahead.

[E]

I have a One more before I go.

[A]

Yeah, before you go.

[E]

I have a gift for you. Oh, I brought the ramen.

[A]

What are you. Where are you reaching for this gift? You're pulling it out like a samurai sword.

[E]

Hold on.

[A]

Oh, my God. What is going on? Is it up your ass? Kansai. Wow. You had it taped to your back? Yeah.

[D]

How did you have it on there?

[A]

What an amazing reveal. I can't wait to eat out of this bowl. Wow. It's a real Shinman Tondao. Ryuko Shinman Tondao from Toronto. We've read the Yelp reviews. You made the place famous. Is it still packed? All the time packed. Wow. Because of Kill Tony. And your girlfriend's making a lot of money, right?

[E]

Yes.

[A]

Wow. What's that? One of her black dildos? What do you got?

[E]

There's ramen.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Oh, it's actual ramen. You brought ramen from Toronto? Oh, that is. This was a crazy idea. It is hot. Oh, my God.

[D]

Eight ounces of ramen for you.

[A]

Steaming hot. Wow. Kansai, that is amazing. Is that real? Ryokosh Tondo Shinmini.

[K]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow. Oh, my God. Oh, you have the toppings and everything. Wow. This is incredible. When was this made exactly?

[E]

Two hours ago.

[A]

Okay. But you made it.

[E]

It was frozen. It was frozen.

[A]

Really?

[E]

Yeah, but I put it inside and it got really.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

That's a real thermos. That'll hold it pretty long.

[A]

Yeah, it seems like it's really hot. You know what? Why don't you. I see what you're doing. Why don't you take it to the back and I'll eat it afterwards and I'll totally enjoy it.

[D]

I'm glad I didn't ask. I saw a bump on your back when you did the bowing thing.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

And I was like, I don't know, maybe he's got fucking scoliosis or something. I'm so glad I didn't ask. That would have ruined everything.

[C]

John, it would be very dishonorable for you not to eat this.

[A]

Let me have a bite of the fucking ramen. Get it over here. Jesus Christ. God. 17 fucking minute long interview over here. His accent's so thick. He's the most fun person to talk to.

[E]

There's no soup. Okay.

[A]

It's scorching hot, by the way. I mean, this is literally. I've never seen anything quite this hot before. Noodles. Looks nothing like ramen. If I get food poisoning from this, I swear to God, I'm gonna be very mad.

[E]

Chopstick.

[A]

All right, this is.

[E]

This is for red butt.

[A]

Oh, extra noodle?

[E]

Yeah, just noodle. You need diet.

[K]

Very good.

[D]

It'd be very dishonorable if you didn't

[C]

eat that red band.

[A]

You guys all want a bite? There we go. We have a starving cat.

[D]

I don't know what happened.

[E]

It's good.

[J]

Yeah, it's good.

[A]

It is so good. One more time. Plug it right down the barrel there. Where's the. Where's the red light over there? Say the name of the restaurant.

[E]

Okay. Photo last night. Ryukyu Shime Tondo Rame.

[A]

Very good. That is Kansai Yasuda.

[E]

Thank you.

[A]

Representing Canada, Japan, Korea, Philly, and Austin, Texas. How about one more time for the great Kansai Yasuda? There he goes, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, Kansai. All right, so the Bucket. We go, ladies and gentlemen. You guys probably know how this works, but we give people the opportunity of a lifetime where they probably the only show in the world in which anybody that signs up can get on the show. And here we go, ladies and gentlemen, your first human being doing a minute of uninterrupted comedy out of the Bucket. We're gonna meet them all together. Goes by the name of Tariq Morales, everybody. Here we go. Tariq Morales. Hello.

[F]

What's up, guys? I talked to my mom recently, and she said I should try being more black. And no matter what I do, it looks like I drive a Prius with a Hellcat sticker on it. People see me coming, they're like, oh, yeah, this guy knows both of his dads. I do. I do know my dad. When I grew up with him, he would always give me fatherly advice. He would always tell me, never fuck a bitch with your whole dick. Only give her half the dick or the bitch gon go crazy. I had to be like, hey, dad, I'm 12 also. Are you talking about my mom, motherfucker? What you mean half the dick? That's my mom, bro. Give her the whole dick, right? I don't know. All right, thank you.

[A]

Tariq Morales. Very fun, very good. Great stuff. Nice to meet you. How long you been doing stand up?

[F]

It's actually like a year this month.

[A]

Where at all? Here in Austin?

[F]

Boise, Idaho.

[A]

Boise, Idaho. Wow. Yeah, wow. Are you the closest thing To a black guy that they have there.

[F]

This is it. This is.

[A]

We hit it, dude.

[F]

This is as black as it goes.

[A]

Wow. And are. Are you mixed?

[F]

Yeah, I'm half black, half Puerto Rican.

[A]

Okay.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

All right.

[F]

Yeah. Clap it up.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And the Idaho. And the Idaho means you're somehow half white, too. It's very exciting.

[F]

Yeah. It's a Malcolm X and Malcolm in the Middle situation.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Malcolm X in the middle, one would say.

[F]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

That's how you should say that from now on. Thank you. You. So let me ask you, Tariq, your dad is black, Mom's Puerto Rican.

[F]

Mom's black, dad's Puerto Rican. But I grew up with my stepfather.

[E]

He's black.

[F]

Black as hell.

[A]

Yeah, right? Yeah, that makes sense. When you say black as hell, can you give us an example of exactly what you mean?

[C]

Yeah, sure.

[K]

He like

[F]

a little bit of that. Not too much of that. He would take, like, massive shits when I was a kid.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[F]

Chain smoke Newports at the same time.

[A]

It was. It could have been any race until you hit the Newports there.

[K]

Yeah.

[F]

And then he'd make me stand there so he had someone to talk to.

[A]

Oh, this is pre cell phone.

[F]

This is pre cell phone.

[A]

Wow.

[F]

It's like a way of getting Pavlov. It's like in the smell of. In cigarettes.

[A]

Wow.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Incredible.

[F]

That's him. Yeah.

[A]

Okay. And what do you think the blackest thing about you is?

[F]

Really impressed by Close Up Magic.

[A]

Wow. Amazing answer. That is correct. It completely checks out. If you had to guess what the whitest thing about you is? Even though you're not really white, the Idaho really has you speaking perfect English. Ah, fuck.

[F]

I know, like, almost all the lyrics to Mr. Brightside. That's.

[A]

Wow.

[F]

I'm learning through osmosis.

[A]

I did not check out. That's white. And if you had to guess what the most Puerto Rican thing about you is, what would that be?

[F]

You also can't vote. Yeah, there.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[F]

Puerto Ricans can't vote.

[A]

That's okay. I thought you were gonna say you don't recycle. They have a recycling problem there. Got me in trouble a year ago. Turns out I was one of the only that knew about it anyway. James McCann.

[C]

Thankfully, there was a don't vote solution for you as well.

[A]

There was a what?

[C]

Well, they don't vote. That was also good.

[A]

Don't vote.

[C]

I was being silly. I'll do some closeup magic to make up.

[A]

Yeah, let's do it. What do you got? Whoa. That's his Cell phone. How'd you get his phone? Wow. Put the microphone all the way down his throat there. Tariq, what do you do for work?

[F]

I used to work at Omni. I was up there doing Omni shit, and then now I work from home.

[A]

The hotel?

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

What did you. What were you doing at the hotel?

[F]

Front desk guy.

[L]

Horrible.

[F]

I was doing so bad, and I had to get a new job.

[A]

Can you give us an example of the worst thing you ever did at that job?

[F]

Apart from, like, not doing it? I don't know. I saw there was an old white man who gave his grandson to, like, a Mexican lady that worked at the daycare, and then he just forgot. And so he comes to the front desk and he's like, there's been an abduction. There's been an abduction. I'm like, just because she's Mexican, you know, easy. And, yeah, we had to, like, show him the video of him passing his grandson off to the lady, and it was like, wow, that's the craziest thing. I don't know.

[A]

Wow. Did that remind you of what your father did to you back in the day?

[F]

Passed me off to my mother. And, yeah.

[A]

What happened to the original Puerto Rican father?

[F]

Oh, man. He was a drunk guy in the military and he got kicked out eventually.

[A]

And you don't communicate with them at all anymore?

[F]

Not much, no. I haven't talked to him in years.

[A]

Okay. Why is that? You just don't. I don't know.

[F]

I just feel like I don't really need a dad right now, you know?

[A]

That's true.

[F]

You know, you kind of missed the window on the dad part, so. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

But I need a daddy. I'll call him for sure.

[A]

Okay. But you consider your stepdad your actual dad?

[F]

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

[A]

And if you had to guess what age you were the last time he made you stay in the bathroom while he shits and smokes Newports. What are we talking about? Is this like, last Christmas or something?

[F]

17. Yeah.

[A]

Wow. Yeah. Oh, my God. That is incredible. Yeah.

[F]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

That's amazing. Anything else we should know about you? What? What? You have any special skills or talents or anything?

[F]

I don't know. I've been getting into gongs lately. Dude, I've got a. I just bought a gong.

[A]

A gong?

[F]

A gong?

[A]

Like a Asian instrument?

[F]

28 inch Vietnamese gong? Yeah.

[A]

Wow.

[F]

So stoked about.

[D]

We should have started with that. All this dad talk is way more interesting that you're into gongs.

[A]

I'm in the gongs.

[F]

Yeah. They're badass One of the oldest instruments. Yeah, I keep it on me. It's in my car right now. It's great. I fucking love that thing.

[A]

What do you do with the Gong? Exactly.

[F]

Hit it.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

You just.

[F]

Yeah.

[K]

Yeah.

[E]

It's awesome.

[F]

Yeah, it's sweet. You got two dragons on it. Yeah.

[A]

Wow. Okay. It's incredible. We have. We have black Puerto Ricans playing the Gong, and we have Japanese Koreans in Philly. Something's really backwards about the beginning of this episode. James McCann.

[C]

I said red Band had so many Gong sound effects ready to go with the Asian fella. And with you. I see him over there scrambling, trying to get the car.

[A]

He does. He has an entire set of gongs, you wouldn't believe it. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. Okay, well, you better not hit too many of those gongs or Red Band's gonna think it's time for dinner.

[A]

I'm sorry. Tariq, I love your style. Sign up again. How long you in town for?

[F]

I live here now.

[A]

Congratulations. Welcome to Austin, Texas. Tariq Morales has made his Kill Tony debut. There's a big joke book. All right, let's keep it moving along. A little update, little fun fact for you. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. The great Heidi is here, ladies and gentlemen. Heidi regina.com to catch the new podcast Love on the Line. She is hot.

[C]

She's hot.

[A]

Everybody, a little update for you. My stomach is already oddly rumbling from the single bite of ramen that I had. I may have. Okay. Something to keep an eye on as the show goes on. It's only been five minutes. Perhaps a bite of frozen Toronto ramen wasn't the best idea. That's been taped to somebody's back. Anyway, let's keep it moving along here. Your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Diego Delgadillo, ladies and gentlemen.

[M]

What's up, guys? You guys look confused. You heard my name. You're like, oh, the kitchen staff can put their name in the bucket. I didn't know that. I know, man. I'm trying to figure things out. Learning a lot. I just found out that if you ask enough questions in an Uber, you get a free Quran. I know, dude. I'm up to three Qurans. This week, I started making a game, see how many questions it takes until I get a Quran. Turns out you don't even need to ask that many questions if you like. The other day, I walked into Uber just, like, stressed out enough. I sat down, I just went. He turned around. He's like, my brother, what's wrong? It's like, I don't Know, man, just all these people eating pork and shit. It's really stressing me out. He handed me one off principle. Oh, man. Going through some things with my family. I got a cousin that does onlyfans, which I honestly, I found out, and I was proud of her. I was like, good for you, cousin. Do what you need to make money. I get it. Then I found out she was charging me full price. What's up with that, Cuz? You don't have no discounts, no promo codes. It's cool, though. We worked it out. She sent me to different websites called Only Friends and Family. That one's for us.

[A]

Diego Del Gadillo. Am I saying that right? Diego Del Gadillo. What a cool name. What ethnicity are you?

[M]

I'm Mexican and Colombian.

[A]

Oh, wow. Okay. Welcome, Diego. How long you been on stand up?

[M]

Like, four years.

[A]

Where at?

[M]

San Diego and then New York.

[A]

Okay. You live in New York now, Cotton?

[M]

No, I mean, okay, I've been living here for, like, three months, but I've been living with my girlfriend. She's kind of kicking me out.

[E]

Ooh.

[M]

No, it's not like that. She's just like, you don't.

[A]

You need a job, but you don't want to get a job, do you?

[J]

I don't.

[M]

I need one.

[A]

It's bad. When's the last time you had a job?

[M]

August 28th.

[A]

What happened on that date? That shall live in infamy, by the way you responded. I mean, that is exactly. Exact date.

[M]

I. I moved here. I mean, I flew here. I took a flight here.

[A]

Okay. What job did you have before?

[M]

I was. I was a barista.

[A]

In New York?

[M]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. How long were you a barista for?

[M]

A year.

[A]

Okay. What did you do before that? Anything?

[M]

I was a news producer. I produced local news in. In San Diego.

[A]

Oh, wow. What did you learn from that job? Let people know how the news works.

[M]

I was 19 years old telling, like, the whole county what was up. I shouldn't have been doing that. I was lying. Sometimes my boss would be like, you sure this happened?

[J]

Be like, yeah, you're good. You're good.

[M]

Just run it. They had me translating. I don't speak Spanish. I speak Spanish, but not enough to be, like, translating for the news to be.

[J]

Right.

[M]

Like, broadcast.

[A]

How old are you, Diego Delgadillo?

[M]

I'm 22.

[A]

22 years old. Look at you. And how long you been on stand up? Four years.

[M]

Yeah.

[A]

So you started at 18?

[H]

Yeah.

[M]

Like, graduating high school.

[A]

Incredible. And when did you move to New York to do that?

[M]

Last August 28th.

[A]

You move every August 28th.

[M]

We'll see how it goes. It's looking like November 1st or December 1st right now. For here, we'll see.

[A]

Why? What's going on here? Not working out?

[M]

It's not not working out, but, like, you know, new city. My girlfriend's getting tired of me.

[A]

But your girlfriend's in New York.

[M]

No, she's here. She lives in Austin.

[A]

She came with you?

[J]

She lived here.

[M]

She lived here. That's why I came here.

[A]

Okay. What does she do?

[M]

She works in commercial production.

[A]

And she wants you to get a job. How long. How long have you been here again?

[M]

Like, three months.

[A]

Three months. And have you paid any rent or anything? No.

[M]

Which is, like. It's a good thing, right? We got a good thing going.

[A]

Sounds like you. It's kind of going.

[C]

James McCann, you're gonna want to be careful next August 28th because you've gone from presenting the news on television to making coffee for people to.

[M]

I was making more money.

[C]

Well, still, there's pride and dignity in both of those things, I'm sure.

[A]

But,

[C]

I mean, what happens next August 28th? Head down to the bridge and get to work.

[H]

I.

[M]

I'm going blue collar next year. Blue. Blue collar 2026. Who's in?

[A]

What does that mean to you exactly?

[M]

Something where I'm working. And what do you got, blue collar? You guys got, like, hammers and are

[A]

you doing crowd work right now? Are you, like, asking humans in the audience for a job?

[M]

Yeah, actually, if anyone is hiring, anybody

[C]

here, you know, you want to go down to Home Depot because there's less people there now. So you will stand out.

[M]

This is your call.

[A]

Have you tried it?

[C]

Good about it.

[M]

I honestly, I brought resumes. They made me leave them at the door. They were like, you can't bring them in.

[A]

You brought resumes here?

[M]

Not really.

[D]

I gotta hide it under your shirt with a bunch of fucking noodles and.

[A]

Yeah. So what does your girlfriend said to you exactly?

[M]

Like, it's pretty consistent. Every Friday, she's like, so, you got a job yet?

[A]

Are you banging her? You going down on her? You pleasing her?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Are you sure? No. She says no.

[M]

So I'm giving you, like, the worst performances ever. Yeah, like, it's pretty laughable.

[A]

Tell us about it. Describe it to us.

[M]

I'm like. I'm thinking, like, okay, let's get her off. Then she'll leave me alone about the rent situation.

[A]

Huh? What are you doing?

[M]

I'm thinking. I thought I was gonna like fingering. I'm not show us. Person on an iPhone. Just general movements.

[A]

That's how you do it with your palm.

[M]

No, no, no, these fingers.

[A]

Show us. Show us exactly how.

[B]

No.

[M]

Come here. No. Come here. I just want to talk.

[A]

Oh, she's a. She's across the room from you still. You gotta get her over there.

[M]

That's usually how it starts, baby. Come here.

[A]

Okay, all right, now let's say she's there. Then what do you do?

[M]

I just want to talk. I just want to talk. No, it's fine.

[A]

Oh, yeah, I. I see why she wants you out. Yeah. This is crazy. I just want to talk, baby. Wow, Diego Del Gadillo. This is incredible. I thought Latino men were known for being romantic lovemakers.

[M]

No, we're known for lying.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[M]

Are you kidding me?

[C]

Come on. Even I'm offended by that.

[M]

Are you?

[C]

Have the Hispanic community not suffered enough without you coming out here and calling their fingering into disrepute?

[M]

Yeah, we're suffering because we lie. It's because we lie.

[C]

Why don't you lie and tell her you've got a job? Then maybe she'll come.

[M]

Bring her a W2. Baby. Look what I got.

[A]

Well, Diego, hopefully you finger it out real soon. Here is a medium sized joke book. Welcome to Austin, Diego. We'll see you around soon. On to the next one we go. Diego Delgadillo. It'll be interesting to get an update from him next time he signs up because I don't think the girl's gonna go for that much longer. I don't think he's, you know. All right, we'll see. There's a one word name coming up. This should be interesting. Make some noise for Frank, everybody. Frank is next on Kill Tony.

[G]

So I've recently been on the Internet dating and it's been an African American female that I've been hanging out with. And she's about as Caucasian as they come. And so I introduced her to my family, just straight down the middle until about, I don't know, five days ago. We were making love and. And she said, oh. And it was the first. It was the first time. At that moment I realized that there was something deep inside that had not been released yet. But you've woken up a monster since last time. Because you motherfuckers on Reddit are unbelievable. The death threats and shit that you gave me. Priceless. Worst bucket pool. You've woken up a monster. You have no idea. I wasn't even entertaining comedy until now.

[A]

It's it.

[G]

This is for you,

[A]

Frank. No one, no One even remembers you.

[J]

I beg the difference.

[A]

No one remember I. We didn't even remember you. You had another chance. I don't even know what happened last. Last time you were on and you're out here like some kind of gangster rapper. Like, y' all thought you could hold me back. But, like, you're like a gangster rapper that didn't rhyme or didn't have a beat or anything because you didn't really do any jokes this time. Like, you had us. You had us at the. Ooh, we were waiting for a joke. You. You had like a. You had like a left jab that was set up and then nothing. And then you're like. And by the way to you on Reddit, all y', all like, of course they're gonna say that if it went anything like this. Wait till you see what they say this time. I don't even know what happened last time. None of us remember you.

[G]

Okay? I was the most. Least or the least interesting guy on stage that you. That you claimed.

[A]

Does anybody remember this happens twice in episode. Literally the band and never before have me red Band and the band not remembered a human being. It was. Whatever you did was so terrible that we, like Men in Blacked ourselves. Like, can you take us through. Can you remind. Let's check in with Jeff Dye and

[D]

James McCann maybe was the most forgettable name poll ever.

[A]

Yeah, you're like the opposite of 9 11. You're like, August 28th. What the is going on here? James McCain.

[C]

But we'll remember this one. I like this one. 30 seconds of stand up. 30 seconds of responding to death threats. This is an art form. I think that's good. I think lean into that.

[A]

Death threats.

[D]

Also, was anyone else genuinely kind of like, oh, he might pull a gun out or something? Yeah, like, there was a little like, I love you, buddy, but I was like, oh, fuck, I'm not gonna lose.

[A]

There was a period of time where he was just straight performing in my eyes, and I have to remind them that there's 300 fucking humans this way. You were just performing for me. You got to look at them. You think I'm the guy from Reddit.

[G]

I'm Cracker Barrel Kid 55.

[A]

What?

[G]

Cracker Barrel Kid 55.

[A]

Okay, okay.

[C]

But I.

[A]

What does this all mean?

[C]

Did you plan on coming out and responding to them and you held yourself back for a while?

[G]

Yeah, it was the longest that I could.

[C]

What was the snap? What caused you to.

[A]

Yeah, what exactly was the death threat that you think you got?

[B]

They.

[G]

Boy, it's a different crowd, obviously, but I. I should. I should have maybe kept that in mind. Yeah. Yeah. Not well thought out. I love all of you.

[A]

D Madness just went to post on Reddit right now and he's literally never read anything his whole life, but he's gonna start right now. Jeff die.

[D]

Doesn't a little part of you kind of get it though? These Reddit are pretty mean.

[A]

I mean, yeah, if you look at it. Yeah. I mean, if you look under a rock, you'll find.

[G]

I had never gone. I've never gone on Reddit. I didn't know that there was a Kill Tony Reddit where people.

[A]

So wait, so then what are you even referencing?

[G]

All of my friends and family that watched the video and reached out to me and. Because the whole. The whole crowd booed me the entire time.

[A]

Oh my God. No, no, don't start that. Jesus Christ. What did you say or do the last time that was this terrible?

[G]

I was short witted or I wasn't quick to. I wasn't quick to answer your. Your prompts and you had put me on the spot several times and I was.

[A]

Yeah, it's an interview. Yeah, you're doing good this time. Was there a reason why you couldn't answer my questions last time?

[G]

Yeah, I just spent 25 days alone in Idaho with a.

[A]

There was a guy from Idaho here just a moment ago who did just fine. He lives in Boise. Half Puerto Rican, half black. How about half white?

[G]

Okay,

[A]

ID isn't an excuse, buddy.

[G]

No, I just. I had been. I'd been speaking for 24 hours before getting on this stage. I hadn't said another word.

[A]

Do you have any jokes? Did you prepare a joke for this? Who wants to hear a joke from Frank? Everybody. Here we go, Ladies and gentlemen, doing his first joke of the night. It's Frank.

[G]

What kind of jeans does a ghost wear?

[A]

What kind of jeans?

[G]

Boo jeans.

[A]

Oh my God, you. You really set yourself up for that one. You literally have the word boo in your punchline.

[C]

They're saying boo.

[A]

Yeah, they're big fans of the joke. They want you to make merch. They want you to make merch.

[M]

Boo.

[A]

They. Yeah, they love the joke. Yes, they do. Yes, they do. Have you chap died?

[D]

Can you explain the joke that you bailed on about that you. I thought you were suggesting the woman you had sex with that went, ooh, that that had awoken a monster, but then. No, you were saying that they have awoken a monster.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Let's get back to that girl. You were.

[A]

Yeah. Are you Are you sure she didn't say, boo, Baby? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Frank, have you been practicing standup at all?

[G]

This is my second time.

[A]

See, your first time was on Kil. Tony.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

Frank, you have to try this. Other places.

[G]

I understand that. I've been watch. I've been watching the show, and I ran here. I ran. I. I just. I did not.

[A]

Why did you. Why did you run? Why didn't you walk?

[G]

I. I ran 8 miles and stopped in for a pint at Shakespeare's. Put my name in.

[A]

Wait, you were just having a drink at Shakespeare's and you're like, sure, I'll sign up?

[G]

Well, I mean, I've been watching the show. I love comedy. I love everything that this stands.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

You're getting more interesting. I'll be honest.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you really have a black girlfriend?

[K]

No.

[A]

Oh, wow. Amazing. All right, Frank, I know you. Frank thinks this is, like, his, like, get her done. Frank thinks the boo is them being. Is you guys liking him. They like you. Okay, Frank, you have to try other places. You have to, like, get good at this. You can't just be the guy that people love to hate on Kill Tony.

[G]

I understand that.

[A]

Okay? What did your friends.

[C]

But, Tony, that's gone pretty well for you on the Reddit.

[A]

What?

[C]

Oh, it was a silly joke. You said you can't be the guy. People left a hate on Kill Tony, and I was. Hey, listen, we're all having fun.

[A]

Yeah. All right.

[C]

We're all having fun. You've got the fight in you. You've got a terrible work ethic, but look at you. I think you could be something.

[A]

You said that your friends and family reached out to you after your appearance on the show. What did your family say about your performance? Did mom or dad talk to you?

[I]

Mom.

[A]

Yeah. What did.

[G]

Mom initially was not a fan of

[A]

the crowd because she blamed the crowd, too.

[G]

No, no, it was. Yeah. Well, yeah, because she's.

[A]

Wow.

[J]

To be.

[A]

It runs in your jeans. Your boo jeans.

[K]

All right.

[G]

No, they. They just reached out because it was a. My first time, and it was terrible. I. I mean, it was just.

[A]

Frank, Frank, Frank.

[G]

Imagine it being worse than that.

[A]

Yeah, I think it was.

[E]

I think.

[A]

I think. I can't imagine it being all right. Frank, did I give you a little joke book last time you were on?

[G]

Yes, you did.

[A]

I did.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you. Do you have it on you? Can I have it back? Red Band's got a great idea. Do you have it on you? I want you to bring it back. I want you to leave it at the ticket booth of the mothership. Next chance you get, you're the first person in the history of the show that I've ever repoed the little joke book. Frank, you have to do this. Other places if you. If you plan on coming back, you have to do at least three to five open mics somewhere else. This isn't just do kill Tony. A lot of people spend a lot of time. There's tons of people in this bucket whose passion in life is this. And they're waiting to get pulled and be a star. And you're clunking it up for them because it's just a bucket. You're taking an opportunity from someone that's truly ready and prepared. There goes Frank, everybody. With absolutely nothing. He has to return his little joke book for the first time in the history of the show. 12 and a half years we've been doing this show. The first man to return a little joke book. I got bad news for you. It's another one word name. But as you know, anything can happen. If you thought Frank was bad, you may love the comedy stylings of Bob, everybody. Here comes Bob, everyone. Uh oh, we know Bob.

[K]

What a very beautiful audience you all are. Everyone is beautiful in the dark and in the rain. When you look at me, you may be thinking, I know where the good stuff is. I don't know where anything is. Whenever I go anywhere, I make sure I sign the guest book. You, sir, you may never know when you'll need an alibi. Whenever I cross the street, I look one direction and then I pretend to be a squirrel. And I go for it. I really like excitement. I dated a short bisexual woman and she said to me, I want to tell you something, but I don't want you to get upset. What I have to say is a really good thing. It's really good. She said to me that I eat like a girl. So I've got that going for me.

[A]

Yeah.

[L]

Bob.

[A]

Welcome back. Bob. It's been a while. I remember you.

[K]

Three years.

[A]

It's been three years.

[K]

Signing up for three years.

[A]

I rem. You've been signing up for three years Continuously.

[K]

Continuously.

[A]

And this is your first time on in three years?

[K]

Yeah, I just changed my name, people.

[A]

Wait, what do you mean? What do you mean? You, what was your name before?

[K]

It's Robert.

[A]

Robert. Wow. Back to Bob. Oh my God. You got lucky. This is their first time going back to Bob.

[K]

Yeah, first time.

[A]

Unbelievable. What, what are the odds? I wish Frank would change his name and not get pulled again.

[K]

I don't Want to be frank with you.

[A]

What?

[K]

Can't be frank with you.

[A]

I love that you're not frank at all. You have punchlines. You're one of the funniest Native American comedians we've ever had on this show. What ethnicity are you, Bob?

[K]

I'm 100 Slovakian, but my mom lied a lot.

[A]

Okay, there it is. The squawking eagle means that you are indeed Slovakian.

[K]

I love eagles.

[A]

You do?

[K]

Yeah.

[A]

What do you love about them?

[K]

They're at different heights. Above all, the.

[A]

You're the man, Bob.

[K]

Thanks, Tony.

[A]

What do you do for work, Bob?

[K]

I'm a world champion handyman, but I'm transferring into a new trade right now.

[A]

What's the new trade?

[K]

I'm giving it my fourth try. I'm starting a beverage company. I failed at it three times. I'm doing my fourth now.

[A]

What is the beverage that you're making?

[K]

It's top secret at the moment, but it's every form of beverage you can imagine with some twists you'll never imagine.

[A]

Wow. There's a lot of imagination there. It's every beverage mixed together, everything you can imagine imaginable. Wow. All right.

[K]

Pretty stoked. I've been decking out this warehouse for it.

[L]

It's.

[K]

I think I'm three weeks out maybe, but I, I.

[A]

Do you have Oompa Loompas working for you or anything like that?

[K]

I, I, I have other ultra personalities working.

[A]

Okay. I love it. I can't wait to drink some. I'll drink, I'll drink. I'll wash down some of that ramen with it for sure. Are you feeling the ramen? A little bit. Smelling it. What do you mean you're smelling it? You know what I mean. What do you mean? Have you fart? Been farting? No, I haven't farted. I have no idea what you're talking about. No, I have not been farting continuously throughout the show. I'm not suffering from food poisoning right now and just plowing through it because I'm an unbelievable host. The adrenaline takes over perhaps every once in a while.

[L]

No.

[A]

All right. And anyway, my fart smell like hibiscus and eucalyptus, by the way, so you don't have to worry about that. Okay, so Frank. Bob. Bob.

[K]

Not Frank.

[A]

I know you're not Frank. How many times have I called you Frank? Any.

[K]

Just once.

[A]

Okay, perfect. Bob. Bob, what do you. What do you do for work? How do you survive? How do you make money?

[K]

I can.

[A]

You work.

[K]

I can fix or build anything. And so I.

[A]

What's the Craziest thing you've ever built.

[K]

A Chinese pedicab.

[A]

You built a pedicab?

[K]

Yeah, I've retrofitted a pedicab with some electric batteries.

[A]

Okay.

[K]

Yeah, it's pretty dope. I'll be driving it out next week. You'll see.

[B]

It.

[A]

It. You haven't done that yet either? It hasn't been driven yet.

[K]

Oh, yeah, it has. I drove it today. I tested. Actually, just got the battery in today.

[A]

Do you pedicab?

[K]

No. God, no.

[A]

Oh, Jesus. All right. Why not?

[K]

I have other things to do.

[A]

Like what?

[K]

I pay quite well.

[A]

Like what?

[K]

Like do electrical, plumbing.

[A]

You name it, you do it all, huh?

[K]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow. What's your love life like, Bob?

[K]

It's dry.

[A]

What?

[K]

It's dry. That's why I like the rain.

[A]

Okay. Do you have your electrical license?

[K]

No.

[A]

No, he's completely unlicensed. This is the guy that's making a beverage with everything mixed together? That's.

[K]

That's right.

[A]

Wow. What else would we be surprised to know about you, Bob? You seem. How old are you?

[K]

I have no concept of time.

[A]

That makes sense. That makes sense. You seem like. You seem like you could have fought in every war that's ever happened. Vietnam, civil, the Mexican Indian War, the Comanches versus the Apaches, perhaps.

[K]

I actually feel that I was a pirate at some point.

[A]

Really?

[K]

I have a ship on international waters, and I have Amazon women guarding my ship right now.

[A]

Wow.

[K]

But then I change them out every nine months because they're all impregnated after. And then I ship, put them to the homelands and I bring in another crew.

[A]

Wow, Bob, you are amazing. You're so stoic in your delivery. You're so. Such an interesting man. So crisp.

[K]

That's a very crisp delivery. The way you said that it was. The way you kept your cheekbones up high.

[A]

I can't help that, Bob. I can't help my cheekbones, Bob.

[K]

Taco bones.

[A]

Red band. Red dance. I can't believe a fart noise gets that type of roaring. Just a roaring laugh. This is the fan base that I've. That I've accumulated. All right, Red band, go. Okay, very good. You know, you're not allowed to have two fart noises an episode. Okay, Bob, give us one more fun fact about your life.

[K]

I shoot for fun. I shoot roadkill.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah.

[K]

Like, I go for a leisurely drive and look ahead, there's a dead crow on the side of the street. So I pull out of my car and I look at the crow and it reminds me of my second grade school teacher, Mrs. Crow, she used to pull me out of the chair by my ear and stick me in a corner. So I get out of the car and I shoot Mrs. Crow with my little cannon. I love animals. I shot her. I shot her with a Canon camera.

[A]

Wow, Bob. You are something else. I love it. Congratulations on getting pulled again. Did you have fun?

[K]

It was a riot.

[C]

Thanks, Tony.

[K]

It was great to see you again. Last time I saw you was San Antonio.

[A]

San Antonio, Yeah. We did a kill Tony there.

[K]

You did a show there.

[A]

I did stand up there.

[K]

Yeah.

[A]

And you. You went.

[K]

My son.

[A]

Nice.

[K]

Yeah. You met my son at that time.

[A]

I did, yeah.

[K]

You did.

[A]

Okay, little bear.

[K]

He remembered you. Yeah.

[A]

Red band. Well, here's a. Here's a big joke book for you, Bob. Just because. Just because I like your style. Here you go. Boom. There he is. The return of Bob, ladies and gentlemen. All right, it's a real interesting set of bucket pools so far. Let's see what happens next with the stylings of Benny Benoit, ladies and gentlemen. Benny Benoit is next. Here comes Benny. One more time for Benny Benoit.

[H]

Hey, what's.

[D]

What's up, guys?

[H]

It's good to be here. I'm Benny Benoit. That's French. I'm from Louisiana. I'm what you call Louisiana. Sober. That means I drink, I smoke, and I fuck my cousins. No, I'm kidding, man. That's bold of y' all to assume. I got hot cousins. I'm the hottest girl my family's ever produced. If we're being honest, I would never fuck my cousins. Dude, I got two sisters and a dog. Why would I, you know? Nah, them bitches ugly, too. But speaking of ugly bitches, when I first moved to Austin, I got hit on by a gay guy. That was nice. He said he thought that I was hot. And I was like, oh, thank you. He goes, yeah, can I get your number or something? I said, no, I'm sorry, man. I'm straight. And he goes, yeah, I bet that's cause you never had good dick before. And I thought to myself, you know what? Maybe this isn't my Uber after all. But I figured winning Austin, you know, I've been. Benny Benoit.

[K]

Thank you, guys.

[A]

Benny Benoit. I'm making his Kill Tony debut. Correct. Welcome. Welcome.

[H]

I got pulled once, but I missed my spot.

[A]

You missed your spot? How did you miss your spot?

[H]

Well, I. I had a date who failed to tell me that she was crippled. And so I. Fe.

[A]

Bro, Wait, hold on. You scheduled a date at the same time as you signing up for Kill

[H]

Tony, look, it's lonely when you first get here and when you don't get called for kill. Tony, you spend five hours by yourself if you don't know anybody.

[A]

Uhhuh.

[H]

So I invited a tinder date, and I got catfished, to say the least.

[A]

You invited a tinder date to Shakespeare's, the local.

[H]

It was by Poor Choices.

[A]

Sure, but you invited her to where all the comedians and everybody was just waiting around. Yeah. And so when you say she was crippled, you got crippled? Catfished. What? Caught the catfish down at Cripple Creek. Well, so what exactly kind of cripple was she?

[H]

So she. It was a fat injury.

[K]

She.

[H]

She did say that herself. She broke her leg. Cause, you know, the downstairs couldn't support the upstairs, basically. But she didn't tell me that she was on crutches, so I thought she was going to be able to walk to the venue, and she couldn't. So I felt bad making her cross the street by herself. I went out, came back, and everybody was like, dude, where the were you?

[A]

I was like, so wait, where did you go?

[H]

Literally across the street.

[A]

But to where? To where? Where? This is across the street from Poor Choices. Where did you go?

[H]

The corner. The sidewalk.

[A]

But why? Why would you go to the corner?

[H]

She was hobbling along the sidewalk, and I felt bad, so I went out.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[N]

Okay.

[H]

I didn't think in that 15 seconds my name would get called.

[A]

Well, that's when it happens. She didn't think that she'd break her leg being a Fatty Boom Baladi, but life happens fast.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

So you missed your opportunity while at the exact same time realizing that you were meeting up with a fat, crippled lady.

[H]

And I didn't feel like I was allowed to be mad at her. I feel like that's the worst part. Am I going to yell at her for something she didn't do?

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

She catfished you.

[A]

And she must have been fat if her legs break.

[H]

All the pictures were tits up. All the pictures were tits up. It was my fault for believing them, honestly.

[A]

James McCann.

[C]

He's from Louisiana. They love catfish, no matter where I come from.

[A]

Ah, very good. Yeah, very good. Wow. So the crippling was just a broken leg?

[N]

Yeah, she.

[H]

She just had a broken leg.

[A]

She had a cast.

[H]

She had a walking boot. That's why I was confused. What are you doing not walking on your walking boot?

[A]

Did. Was she wearing the boot?

[H]

She was wearing the boot.

[A]

So what do you mean?

[H]

I had crutches.

[A]

Oh, I got it.

[H]

And that's why I Felt bad, so I didn't want to make her.

[A]

Did you end up. So what'd you end up doing with this lady? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Das Booten over here. Oh, yeah. You had that boot up in the air, didn't you?

[J]

Look at you.

[H]

The Subaru saw some action in the back seat that night.

[A]

Really? The Subaru saw some action in the back seat.

[H]

Like, I was parked on, like, Red river or something.

[A]

Oh, my God, that's the car. Did you put the emergency breakup right?

[H]

I'm trading it in tomorrow. The shocks are okay.

[A]

She.

[D]

She couldn't have been that big if you. Her in a Subaru.

[H]

She wasn't that big. It was more of, like, the way things were laid out.

[A]

Okay.

[H]

A lot of shape, very top heavy.

[A]

Right, right.

[H]

And then, you know, the whole missing out on Kill Tony, the whole thing. There was a lot of factors stacking up against her.

[A]

Did you know at that point when you were hooking up with her that you had missed your spot?

[N]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[H]

This was like. After I missed the spot, I was like, well, we might as well get shit faced now. Like, what the is the rest of my Monday now?

[A]

Right?

[H]

So we just kind of went out and had a few drinks. Ended up in my back seat.

[A]

So. Exactly. Take us through exactly what happened in the back seat.

[H]

I really didn't think we were going to talk about this.

[A]

Well, there you go. Expect the unexpected. Benny Benoit.

[F]

It.

[H]

It was a lot of, like, all right, let's do this. And then it was a lot of, no, I'm scared.

[A]

So, like, what. Wait, who was that? You saying you're scared? Yeah. What was. What were the ideas being proposed that you were scared of?

[H]

She was really weird about, like, the fact that we were hooking up on the first date in the backseat of a car. She was not really stoked about that.

[A]

And I was like, did you rape this poor lady?

[H]

I promise you, I did not.

[A]

Okay.

[H]

I was just. I was really focused on the.

[A]

You want to catfish me? I'll show you. Now you're getting. I miss my goddamn Kill Tony for this.

[H]

No, I was. I was really. I was kind of focused on the fact that I'm definitely never seeing her again. So we might as well get it in while we're here.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Good Lord. You might be the worst man with the last last name Benoit I've ever heard of.

[A]

Wow, Benny. So you live here in Austin full time?

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

What do you do for work?

[H]

I'm a pool boy.

[A]

Oh, my God. Look at you. You're just out There. Everything that moves. Aren't you Benny Benoit?

[H]

I've knocked down some questionable creatures. I'm not gonna lie.

[A]

I bet. Tell us more about it. What have you done as a pool guy? A lot of. A lot of single moms out there.

[H]

It's kind of weird. I'm not going to jeopardize my job for.

[A]

You're okay, buddy. I'm pretty sure you just admitted to raping a fat cripple. I don't think you can lose your. I don't think you can lose your job as a pool boy on Keltoni.

[H]

I meant like in person with the women. They draw. Like. I don't know if you've talked to women a lot. Given.

[A]

Very good, Benny. You got me there. Very good. You fat. You fat.

[H]

You really pulled that one back. I liked it. But no, I mean, like, women are very cryptic whenever they drop hints about the pool boy making a move. And none of them have been worth losing my job. I get a couple of like, tips that I don't deserve here and there and then, you know, like, oh, I'm alone a lot. That it's like. Me too.

[A]

Okay.

[H]

I know what to do. I still have a pool to clean.

[A]

All right. Okay.

[H]

I did. There was an older lady that I thought was hitting on me, but she turned out to be a multi level marketing, like, scammer.

[A]

You got sold on a scheme?

[H]

No, I didn't fall for that. Not again.

[A]

Well, yeah, yeah, that can't happen.

[H]

It was like promising trips to Hawaii and going out to like lavish dinners and stuff like that.

[A]

Like that. Yeah. She had a time share for you.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow.

[H]

I was going to have to earn that money myself.

[A]

Okay. So, Benny, do you have any other special skills or talents before we let you go?

[H]

Made a chemical bomb a couple weeks ago.

[A]

This guy's afraid of losing his pool boy job. Just admitted to a federal offense. What do you mean you made a chemical bomb?

[H]

So I got. I got two dogs and where I.

[A]

It's a weird way to start this. That can't have anything to do with this.

[H]

No, there's, you know, I have to take the, like the poop bags pretty far away and I'm trying to make it to work. Open mics, all that stuff. So I just took a bucket and put some of my chlorine right there. And we'll just put the bags in there. And after a while it stopped working. So good. So I added a pound of some slightly different chlorine. Did not realize that those two were not supposed to Be mixed together. And they were fine for, like, two months. And then that big rainstorm we had, like, two weeks ago filled the bucket with water and it went boom. And wow. So I woke up at, like, 12:30 in the middle of the night, and my dog was on top of me, like, fucking shaking, and I. I couldn't see. I couldn't breathe. It was like. It was a complete disaster. So I jumped out on my balcony to, like, so me and my dogs could breathe. And my neighbor came out freaking out, and she's Jewish, so I was, uh. Oh, I got really nervous at that point. But the fire department showed up. We ended up evacuating.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Storm. Yeah, something like that. So the chemical bomb, just before I let you go, this was, like, outside on your balcony?

[H]

It was. Yeah, it was right outside my front doorstep.

[A]

Right.

[H]

It all came, like, underneath my door, so in.

[A]

Wasn't there anywhere else you could put the poop bags?

[H]

I don't know. How big do you think apartments are?

[A]

Big enough to have a trash can.

[H]

Well, with a lid, the trash can is inside. If I had a trash can sitting on my front doorstep, I feel like that'd be. It's not as weird as a bucket full of shit and chemicals.

[A]

Yeah, you are correct.

[H]

Make a valid point there.

[A]

That's pretty, Benny. I like your style. Very funny. You're a funny man. Welcome to Kill Tony. Benny Benoit, ladies and gentlemen. Well, well, well, Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new regular on this show. It is absolutely incredible. You guys are going to love him. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the newest Kill Tony regular writes and performs a new minute every single week. This is the Dark Storm of Atlanta. Make some noise for Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, man. What you know about waking up in the morning to eat a dry toaster strudel? Because the night before, you got too high and drank all the strudel juice. Not my day.

[C]

Bad.

[B]

What you know about missing your dead best friend so much and you want to talk to them, so you go get a Ouija board in the street, witch. And then you start talking to him. Only to remember that nigga can't spell good. That's just crazy. I'm 35 years old. And then I realized the other day I could fight, but I can't heal. I'm like a reverse Wolverine Reed. We just gotta die after this. I can't. I don't got no ACLs. Now I get why. When Jesus was 33, he was like, kill me. Like, kill me. Cause if you get acid Reflux. One time you like, nail me to the cross. Burp lava and shit. Even God was like, yeah, my son shouldn't be 35 that shit. He shouldn't have him. All right, I love y'.

[F]

All.

[A]

Dedrick Flynn, the dark storm of Atlanta has arrived yet again. Everything 100% spoton. Acid reflux is real. You would hate it.

[B]

Shout out, Toms.

[A]

Yeah. Tom saved the day. I take two almost every day now. It's a nightmare. It's insane.

[G]

Sho also Alka Seltzer.

[A]

Let's go with our. Our. Our senior Reflux correspondent, Brian Redband here. Chewable Alka Seltzer. I recommend it. It's like Skittles. It's great, right? Okay, thank you. Yes. Great commercial, Dr. Red Band. Yes, absolutely. So, Dedrick, you are the man. Tell these people something about you we don't know, Dedrick.

[B]

Oh, man. Bro, I'm a big ass fan of Monster Truck Jam. I fucking love monster trucks. It's like Olympics for rednecks, but you know what I mean? I think it should be in the Olympics, honestly, if you want to get. I just like to see shit go flip, you know what I. And that. It mean a lot to my soul. This spacesuit I got on. Ain't a spacesuit. Is from one of my favorite hobby, hardcore bands. Between the Barry and me, I just wanted to shout that out, cuz I. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Cuz I'm the official captain of the mothership and I'm flying, y'.

[E]

All.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

What's the name?

[B]

Rogan Co pilot.

[A]

Yeah, totally. What's the name of the band? The name.

[B]

Between the Buried and me and.

[A]

And. And that's like a. Are they white?

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Say they're in a screamo band, man.

[E]

Come on.

[A]

I can't picture you going to a white band like that. Oh, bro.

[B]

Moshing, man.

[D]

He just said he likes monster trucks, you know.

[A]

Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. He's from Atlanta, though. That's like a thing.

[B]

Yeah, man, that's Mastodons from there. Like, that's. Yeah, Bron. That's my homeboy, the drummer of Mastodon. It's my badminton partner. We. We ain't won a game yet, but it's been fun.

[A]

You play badminton, too?

[B]

Oh, yeah. I do everything cool, Tony. I. I gotta. I do cool shit all the time. I'm just. Boy, I. I just. I. You know what I'm saying? Theme parks, music, parks. I'm in there. Water slides. I'm in there. You know what I'm saying? Above ground, swimming pools. I'm in there. You know what I'm saying? Arcades, I'm in there. Pinballs, I'm in there. I said, if they got some fun, I'm in there. I said, if you going bowling, I'm in there. You go to Six Flags, I'm in there. And you go to a party, I'm in there. I said, it can't be a party if I ain't in there. Can't be a party if I ain't in there. Say, y'.

[A]

All, God damn. The dark storm coming.

[B]

Yeah. At sunset. Sunset.

[A]

What you know about just playing with. Oh, my God. My God. Wow. I love you. I love you guys.

[B]

Oh, that's the acapella. What's up, dog? Then you going down the train on.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Y' all know that one.

[A]

Y' all know that.

[B]

Got to be high to know that one. I just made it up.

[A]

They played the pre show straight no chaser. The probably the best, best acapella band of all time. They're on tour. SNCmusic.com on social media at SNC Music. They're unbelievable. You got to see them.

[B]

I. I do. I saw him. We was up there chilling.

[C]

They had a little.

[B]

We was up there bopping and jigging. And then I had borrowed his shoulder thing to massage. I got a knot out. So my was real loose with it.

[A]

Oh. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

I was out there getting it.

[F]

They.

[B]

They was shook the job. But y', all, the movement, the booty center.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Y' all give me some tickets to go.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

My girl like musical theater. So I'm gonna get some that night.

[A]

Hell yeah. Absolutely. Let's check in with the great Jeff Dyer.

[D]

Do you guys ever sing where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? That's the only acapella song I know. You guys do that?

[A]

Do you. You wanna. You wanna. You want to sing a little bit of it, Jeff?

[D]

No, I don't want to sing it. I want to hear it.

[A]

No, don't worry about. We're not gonna put them on the Carmen San Diego spot. Kino. I don't know. KE up.

[D]

Just wanted to hear.

[A]

Son of a. Dedrick, you are unbelievable. You are perhaps. I mean, you truly are a storm. It is incredible. You come in and you take over every single week. We love you.

[B]

Thank God.

[A]

Make some goddamn noise. To the great and powerful Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. And it goes on and on. Back to the bucket we go. O la la. Make some noise for Heidi Everybody. Wow. Yes, indeed. Aa, indeed. All right, your next bucket pool. We know this one. Make some noise for Charlie She. Everybody. Here comes Charlie She.

[I]

Hello, everyone. Here's your daily dose of racism. Sometimes I wonder if Jews wear tiny hats, it's because they miss having a tip again. And sometimes I wonder if. Well, if hip hop artists like to hit women because they love to beatbox. But that's the thing with racism, isn't it? It's like, why does it always have to be something for evil? Like, why can't it be something good? Like, recently I gave a white guy a ukulele and now he can't stop playing it. But that being said, you know,

[C]

that

[I]

being said, racism is a two way street. I just wish I'm driving on the right side of it.

[A]

Thank you, Charlie She. Welcome back to the show, Charlie.

[I]

I. I messed up and used my real name, so.

[A]

Okay, but it's fine. What's your other name?

[I]

Oh, Chen. You know me?

[A]

Yes, yes, I know you. Okay, yeah. You've been on the show multiple times?

[I]

Yeah, about a year ago. Three times.

[A]

Okay, very good. So how's life been going?

[I]

It's been doing better.

[A]

Okay, red band. We get it. They're Asian, maybe Native American.

[I]

I mean, I did grow up in New Mexico, so close enough.

[A]

Okay. All right. There you go. So, Charlie, what's going on in life?

[I]

I got laid off for five months, and then I was able to find a job about three weeks ago.

[A]

Where did you get laid off from?

[I]

Oh, I was working for a bank in Canada and then the tariffs happened, and then US employees are considered to be risks, so.

[A]

Yeah. So now where do you work?

[I]

I work for a particular university here in town.

[A]

You work for what?

[I]

A university.

[A]

A university, yeah. Okay. What do you do at the university?

[I]

Oh, I fix computers.

[A]

You fix computers. Okay. All right. What? How's life been going, Charlie? Are you still.

[I]

Well, yes, I'm still trans. It's just that. Yeah, but.

[A]

But yeah, I mean, you wrote down Charlie today. What are we going. Are we going backwards?

[I]

No, it's because I had a long day at work. I was on the phone for four hours.

[A]

You were on. You worked on. Hold on a second here. This is Breaking Trans News. Hold on. I didn't know this was possible. But it turns out if you're trans and you work too hard, you go back to the human that you were before. This is the first time we've seen this before. We're always learning, learning about the trans community here. This is interesting. You went from a pocahontas to poke his hauntas real quick. Well, Charlie, did you have a broken leg a few months ago by any chance? No.

[I]

No. Yeah, the third leg is alive and well now.

[A]

Oh, wow. Okay, Charlie. All right. So you worked so hard that you signed up as Charlie. That's what you're saying?

[I]

I guess I wasn't all here when I signed up. I'm sorry.

[A]

No, I mean, there's no reason to apologize. I find it so interesting.

[I]

Well, now the. I guess the cat's out of the bag, so to speak. So.

[A]

Yeah. Or the dog's out of the bag or something like that. So how's transitioning been going for you? I don't know if you guys can tell, but this is. This used to be Charlie, and now it's Chen.

[C]

It's my first time on the show, I think. You're on the show. Yeah. Hello.

[I]

Nice to meet you again.

[C]

And you kept the penis. We spoke about that. And you made a joke about it.

[I]

I mean, being laid off and taking a 30 pay cut is no way to get to the point where I need the money for it, so.

[C]

Yeah, I also imagine that would also compromise the week. You know, if you get laid off and then also you have to recover from having a penis cut off. That would be a very bad.

[I]

Might as well die at that point.

[C]

Well, no. I mean, not.

[A]

Are you sure they didn't give you a pay cut because you were transitioning into being a woman?

[I]

Well, when I told my.

[A]

And women can get paid less.

[I]

No, no, because when I told my parents about it, that's the first reaction from my stepfather.

[A]

But that's what he said, too.

[I]

Yeah, but it wasn't it.

[A]

Because what ethnicity is your stepfather?

[I]

White.

[A]

And what does he think about all this?

[I]

He's fine with it, but my mom is angry because he's fine with it.

[A]

Tell us exactly how your mom, who's very Asian.

[I]

Very, very Asian, yes.

[A]

Tell us exactly what she says to you about you transitioning into a woman.

[I]

She visited about a week or two ago, and she pretty much just says that I'm on the wrong path in life and. And I should reconsider, especially with the current government pressure and everything.

[A]

Wait, what? Exactly. What is the government pressure exactly?

[I]

You know, the whole talking point about cracking down on DEI or whatever. But the thing is, I never relied on DEI to be who I am today, so it just felt weird that she's, like, talking like that to me.

[A]

James, it's okay.

[C]

I mean, Asian mothers traditionally really do prefer having sons, so it might Be. I don't know if you've seen the statistics on that, but it's very. It's very good that you were born as a man because otherwise you might not be here with us tonight doing stand up. And do people not know about that? I'm sorry, I won't make a joke about that, but that's. You don't need dei.

[I]

Yeah, I don't rely on D, E, I, T. Maybe.

[C]

No, I'm sorry.

[A]

I'm sorry.

[C]

I thought that was okay. I'm fat. I'm a fat person.

[F]

Do you.

[A]

Do you think your mom loves you, though? There you go. He finally got it off clean, ladies.

[I]

Not in that way. But I know that despite her limited capabilities, she's doing her best.

[A]

You guys are kind of dressed the same tonight, I gotta say. If you look really closely, you can't tell which one's which.

[I]

Be mad at me. Her, you know?

[A]

So red band and yellow band up here. This is incredible.

[I]

Well, people call me yellow band because I do soundboard too, but.

[A]

Yeah, where do you do soundboard?

[I]

At Shakespeare's. Right after this show, we have open mic there.

[A]

Oh, I'm sure these people want another four hours of open mic after this. Okay. So can I call you Charlie?

[I]

Sure.

[A]

What have you been doing with your. Your personal life, Charlie? Tell us more about what you do when you're not performing comedy.

[I]

Oh, so when I'm not performing comedy, I've been. Oh, I picked up new instruments like bass and things like that. Although I'm better with a piano. And then I also joined a group where we perform every Friday night. And then I played a lot of video games. And then I also look into video development. Video game development such as unreal5.

[A]

I think you're an Asian man. Yeah, everything that you say sounds like you're an Asian man. The bass guitar. Like an Asian woman plays the violin.

[I]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Well, you don't know about this.

[I]

I mean, I. I get those. I guess those Asian bass player ladies are not ladies anymore. No, they're really hot, actually. When you.

[A]

Charlie, what are you. What are you nowadays? What's your sex life like?

[I]

I mean, like I said, I'm in a long distance relationship, so I'm essentially celibate until he visits like three times a year and that's it.

[A]

Okay, When's the last time you saw him?

[I]

Actually, maybe summer break.

[A]

Summer break?

[I]

Yeah, before I got laid off. So.

[A]

Jeff die?

[D]

Yeah, I don't think that's called celibate. That's called monogamous.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah, but yeah, you're not just.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, I'm just not going.

[D]

Maybe I'm nitpicking.

[C]

I don't know.

[I]

Yeah, I'm not just going around fucking everything I see.

[D]

Good for you. Yeah, you're a good man or lady or whatever the going on. No, you're honorable. I. I like this about. You're very nice to your mom about it.

[M]

You're.

[D]

You're might be the most reasonable trans person I've ever met.

[A]

Yeah, we have. We have a few of those on this show. Only very reasonable trans people sign up for this show. We're yet to have an unreasonable trans, which is crazy cuz anytime I'm out there, it's almost always an unreasonable trans in here for some reason. Very reasonable trans. Trans. You're the second Asian up here tonight that loves raw men by the way. Little fun fact. I mean, luckily I'm not going to have to try yours because my butt hurts.

[I]

That's the talk of someone who has his pushed in.

[A]

Oh, you son of a. You son of a. Son of a Nice lady. A very reasonable woman. Why? Why do you want to be trans instead of like a pretty gay guy with nice tits? Good question. Redband. A lot of people are expecting Red Band to win a Nobel prize. The questions that he asks this one will go down in the history books. Why do you want to be trans when you could be a dude with a fat tit?

[C]

Why won't you be exactly what Red Band wants sexually?

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Why do you want to have a dungeon when you have those awesome dragons? Dude, It's a good question. What makes you feel like a woman? Man, he feels like a woman. The only one that heard that.

[I]

Okay, this is actually a thought I had a while back and I think it's something like. It's unfortunate that you see trans people are closer to straight people, but they keep on lumping us with gay people and we don't know what to do with it because we like somebody of opposite gender. Most of the time it's just that we're in the wrong body. It doesn't mean we don't like someone of opposite gender. But you guys lump us with gay people and then we're like, oh well,

[C]

I mean, are you pivoting to homophobia?

[A]

Well, I just want to know in

[C]

general, like you might be going, don't lump us in with these ass people over there. We're like you.

[D]

It's not a bad strategy.

[A]

The trans are making a move.

[I]

No.

[C]

What an unbelievable trans people. I think I could.

[A]

Oh, my God. This is incredible. When you hear that train horn, you know, Red pan thinks it says.

[I]

I guess what I'm trying to say

[B]

is

[A]

Red Pan's not the best speller. It's like Tran H horn. I've been waiting to hit this sound effect forever. Incredible. You have it turned out not all

[I]

trans people are gay, I guess, is what. That's what I'm trying to say.

[A]

Okay, but when you're butt your boyfriend with your dick, you must understand why you're clumped with gay guys, right? You. You don't butt. You take the. You wait. Oh, yeah, that makes sense.

[I]

Yeah. I take it. I don't.

[A]

What do you do with your thing? We stumped it.

[I]

Oh, geez.

[A]

We stumped it. You know how hard it is to stump an Asian boy with an easy question in the classroom? You guys rattle it right off.

[I]

Oh, man. Most. Most of the time I don't do anything with it.

[A]

You don't do anything? You don't like to come?

[I]

I do love to come.

[A]

What makes you come?

[I]

A good. Okay.

[A]

It's wow.

[I]

I mean, I like. I like the kind of good where the hips meets the butt. It feels like he's slapping me while he's thrusting. Okay.

[A]

It's great. Yeah. I don't know why people clump you with the gaze. There's nothing I love more than getting butt so hard that it feels like the dude's beating me up during it. Anyway, not gay at all. Totally just Charlie getting butt by a dude. Why do you clump me with the gays?

[C]

America's come a long way since Johnny Carson, you know what I'm saying? Johnny Carson used to sit in a suit and tie and have a nice conversation with a movie star.

[A]

So, Charlie,

[C]

ah, let's all leave a little something to the imagination. That's all I'm saying.

[L]

Wow.

[A]

Wow. Nothing beats a jet holiday. Charlie, I like your style. Great interviews. Always the minute, you know, you. You went with it. You committed to racism. It was good. It was okay. It's fun, you know, but really, the interview, you just crush. You're such an interesting person.

[I]

Thank you.

[A]

Whatever you are. You're interesting. Here's another big joke book. There you go. Catches like a man. Catches like a man right off his tits. Bounce right off his tits. Their tits. Their tits. Tits. It's. It's tits. Ah, speaking of real tits, there's a lovely Heidi, everybody. So real. Yeah. Old. Real tits Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Asher Casson, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Asher Casson.

[J]

I was on a date with this girl and she started talking about her ex. And I know where she started talking about his dick. And for some reason she felt called to mention. And he wasn't even that big. He was like maybe your size. And yeah, that's not the fucked up part. See, the fucked up part was she said this during the movies, like previews. So I gotta sit through Twilight now while I'm thinking about this shit the whole time. Okay, it's fucked up. So much for the hole I cut in the bottom of this popcorn bucket. You know what I mean? I guess we're not using that anymore. I gotta walk down from ilj. Just trickling little kernels the whole fucking way down. Pissed off. Okay, I ended that date and I went home and I did the old fashioned confidence booster, fellas. You know where you measure it up against the TV remote? This is like 2012 though. Okay? So it's like the big ass Comcast remotes. I don't even reach the guide button. I start fluffing it, trying to get every inch I can. Next thing I know, Disney Channel's on, I got my wiener out. It's not good. Kids these days are lucky though. They got Roku remotes. Roku remote. Have you feeling real confident? I'm Asher Kassen. Thank you guys very much.

[A]

Asher Cassin. Welcome, Asher.

[J]

Thank you.

[A]

How long you been doing stand up?

[J]

Just about a year.

[A]

Just about a year.

[J]

We're at LA.

[A]

All of it in LA. That you still live there?

[J]

Yep. 100. I drove out for this.

[A]

So you're born and raised in la?

[J]

I was born in Seattle, but lived in LA my whole life.

[A]

Perfect. Amazing. What do you do for work?

[J]

I just got fired actually.

[A]

From what job?

[J]

I worked at a place called Nutri Shop. I like sell protein powders, vitamins, stuff like that.

[A]

Why'd they fire you?

[J]

Because of this? Actually, I drove or. Excuse me. I flew out the first time. I called the time off. I didn't make it back in time. And they said, you know, we're firing you. But that was two weeks ago.

[A]

Okay.

[J]

Yeah.

[A]

How many times have you signed up for this show?

[J]

Just twice. This is my second time.

[A]

Nice. Okay, so Asher, I'm gonna ask the question that everybody wants to know here.

[J]

Yes.

[A]

How big is that dick?

[J]

I mean, you know, every good joke's got a little bit of truth to it. Small bit. But, you know, it's a solid six, I think.

[A]

Solid six. Heidi, you have a tape Measure over there. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Okay. And this was your ex girlfriend or is it.

[J]

No, it was just a girl I was talking to at the time.

[A]

You have a girlfriend now?

[J]

I do.

[A]

What does she do? Are you making her up as I ask you questions?

[J]

Well, I'm in a. I'm in a transition. Okay, so my.

[A]

So was the last comedian?

[J]

Yeah. No, my last. My last girlfriend just left me.

[A]

Yeah, hit the tran. Horn button. Your last girlfriend left you? Why'd she leave you?

[J]

It was because I had a porn addiction.

[A]

Oh, okay. What types of porn are you watching?

[J]

Black.

[A]

Okay.

[J]

Black porn for sure.

[A]

What is it about black porn that you love?

[J]

This entertain. Like they talk during sex. I didn't know as a Caucasian I was allowed to do that.

[A]

What are some of the things that they say that. That you like? Just give him a little spotlight here. Kino.

[J]

Tell me this. Draymond's. I like that one.

[A]

Oh, okay. Okay. Give us another one.

[J]

You can take all of it. Quit running.

[A]

Oh, yeah. All right.

[J]

I like that.

[A]

Okay.

[J]

I haven't had a chance to use it myself, but.

[A]

Wow.

[J]

I have some that I use, though.

[A]

What do you use?

[J]

Someone called PETA. Cause I'm killing this pussy. Peeta.

[A]

PETA.

[J]

But PETA, like the.

[A]

Oh, like a cat. Got it.

[C]

Freestyling during the sex. Intercourse now.

[J]

Yeah. Yes.

[C]

Whatever happened to a good old fashioned kiss on the cheek? And I love your baby.

[J]

Yeah, that's gay.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Yeah.

[J]

Yeah, that's really gay.

[C]

And don't run away. You can take all this dick. That's not gay.

[J]

Yeah, but you're the one saying it. And you sound like that. You see what I'm saying? When a black dude says it, it's. It's different.

[A]

Yeah, come on. Say. Say this.

[C]

How dare you come here and question how black I am.

[A]

Don't you know this is Draymond's?

[C]

Oh, my tea is boiling right now.

[A]

What? What do you say, James? Oh, my crocodile's hunting. Oh, I want to didgery do you all night.

[C]

We have a beautiful sex life, my wife and I, where we connect emotionally and physically.

[A]

You should try it. You should try.

[C]

I'm not gonna go home and jump on top of my wife and start giving her one liners from black pornography. We don't need that. We have three children. We're just happy to get any time together at all. We don't need to spruce it up with some open mic comedy.

[A]

If you want to make a fourth, tell her that it's draymond's. Pussy. Fun fact. If you tell her it's Draymond's. When you make the fourth child, you're allowed to leave. Draymond ain't sticking around to raise the child. Wow. Is there anything else other than the talking that you find intriguing about black porn?

[J]

I mean, you know, the size is pretty cool. That's interesting.

[A]

Yeah.

[J]

Of the penis.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[J]

Want to clarify?

[A]

Yeah, no doubt about it. No doubt about it. So, Asher, you lost your job. You're now unemployed. What's your big plan?

[J]

I just recently applied to Vans at the mall. Just something to keep me, you know? Yeah.

[C]

Let me tell you, I. I reckon you could get that job at Vans at the mall. I've been to that van. In Austin.

[J]

No, in Santa Clarita in California.

[C]

I haven't been to that one. But the vans in Austin, at the mall, terrible service.

[J]

Really?

[C]

Some of the worst shoe I tell you, you got. If you want to move to Austin, you get on down to that mall and try. Try one of those shoe shops. Cause these people. I say that with love and respect. No, no, no. White. These people are some of the worst shoe shop employees I've ever encountered. I go in this damn shoe shop, I say, I need a size 12 of this. And they come back and they go, well, we got a size 11 and a size 13. I said, well. Well, that's no good for me. Yeah, size is the most important part.

[A]

That's what his ex girlfriend said.

[J]

Yeah.

[B]

What?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Very good.

[J]

She was black, too.

[A]

Really?

[J]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow.

[J]

And we have a kid together.

[A]

Oh, hell. Oh, my God. You made a baby?

[J]

A black one.

[A]

You made a black baby?

[J]

Yep.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[J]

That's why we separated. He needs the black experience.

[A]

Wow.

[J]

All right, I'm sorry.

[A]

You made a black baby and your name is Asher. Asher made an Ashy.

[J]

Yeah.

[A]

Holy.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

That is incredible. How old is this black baby?

[J]

He's just creeped over a year. He's like. A year.

[A]

Why'd you have to say creepy creep like that? Why'd you say it like he's plotting and planning something. He's just creeping over a year. That's pica. Ooh. Ash. Oh, my God. That is absolutely incredible.

[D]

Is that why you want to work at a shoe store?

[J]

No, I. Well, my actual, like, job is I produce a comedy show at the Ice House. But that's, you know, once a month, and it's not sustainable all the time.

[A]

Of course. So how often do you get to see this little black baby?

[J]

I mean, like, is that a Picture

[A]

of him on your shirt.

[J]

This is Darth Vader.

[A]

I know it's Darth Vader. I'm making a joke about having a black. It's black. Darth Vader's black.

[J]

Yeah.

[A]

For those of you that don't know, I am your father, and I'm leaving now.

[J]

Yeah.

[A]

All right. Okay.

[C]

It did happen in Star Wars.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

He did abandon his child, and Luke turned out great.

[J]

Yes, he did.

[A]

That is true. It is true. And he.

[C]

I mean, it didn't turn out great for Darth Vader, I'll be honest.

[A]

But anyway, he skywalked out of his life. We got Star wars jokes over here.

[J]

All right.

[A]

So do you only hook up with black women? Are you?

[J]

No, my current girlfriend's white.

[A]

Oh, wow. What. What made you make the change?

[J]

She.

[A]

She.

[J]

She's pretty thick.

[A]

Ah.

[J]

I like him a little bit.

[A]

My goodness.

[J]

Round you.

[A]

There's some real hood traits to you like thick white women.

[J]

I've been told that.

[A]

What else? What do you think's the blackest thing about you? We know it's not your penis.

[J]

Yeah, no. Probably my black scent. I've been trying to get rid of it, but it's here.

[A]

You hang around a lot of black people?

[J]

Yeah, a lot. Cuz see, my mom, she did like drugs.

[C]

Yeah.

[J]

She did heroin when she was pregnant with me.

[I]

Whoa.

[J]

I got eczema now, so that's up.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[J]

Yep.

[A]

Wow. Eczema is your baby mama's name?

[J]

No.

[A]

Eczema Jenkins, perhaps?

[J]

Yeah,

[D]

I was told this would be good for my career.

[A]

Wow. This is so, so interesting.

[E]

Yes.

[A]

So your mom did heroin, so that forced you to have a lot of black friends growing up?

[J]

Yeah. Well, I mean, when you say it in that order, it sounds like I'm.

[A]

How old are you?

[J]

I am 23.

[A]

23. My goodness. One of the oldest people to ever apply for a job at a van store. This is incredible. If the vans doesn't hire you, what is your next maneuver?

[J]

I was gonna full dive into comedy. That's the reason why I started producing is actually. Cause your advice to people is produce a show, control your own stage time. So I was gonna just dive full on into that.

[A]

Well, you know, as much as you've hung around black people, I wouldn't recommend diving into much of anything. You might find yourself drowning. There might need to be a life. Lifeguard there.

[J]

Yes.

[A]

Can you swim? Yeah.

[J]

Not well though, right?

[A]

Yeah. Okay, so you're 23. You might want to. Okay. Diving all the way into Comedy Center. I didn't Dive all the way in. When I was 23 and I started at 22 like you, I was hustling for a couple few years there. So what's your actual next plan? If the vans doesn't hire you, you're gonna have to make some money. You have you to take care of. You have a child to take care of. Are you. Are you giving money to the baby mama?

[J]

Yeah, every month. I give her. I'm not on child support. I just. That's my kid.

[A]

I gotta take care of my kid. You're damn right.

[J]

Yes.

[A]

That's good. Because he's a white guy.

[J]

Yeah. But I. I used to detail cars. I know how to detail cars. I would go back to door to door trying to, you know, wash people's cars.

[A]

Wow. Okay. Very good. Wow. All right, Asher, anything else crazy we should know about you? You know, you have any special skills or town? So you know how to rap at all? You a white rapper?

[J]

No. I used to play basketball. I played basketball overseas in Puerto Rico.

[A]

Really?

[J]

Yeah.

[A]

Overseas.

[J]

It was like, 50 pounds ago. Like, yeah, there's a C. Like, it's American territory, but I claim it. You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah. So what was your basketball career like in Puerto Rico?

[J]

Oh, it wasn't good. I was the only white.

[E]

Yeah.

[J]

But I was there. My name is on the roster.

[A]

Wow.

[J]

I had one good game out of, like, 30, but.

[A]

Yeah, you had 30 points?

[J]

No, I had one good game out of 30. I had, like, eight points.

[A]

Gotcha.

[J]

But I was throwing those assists, right? Yeah, right.

[A]

Yes, absolutely. Anything else other than battle basketball, comedy?

[J]

I mean, gambling? I love to gamble.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[F]

Yeah.

[J]

It's not the best for my current situation, but I stopped over at that little place underneath Sunset. They got, like, some slots back there, and I played $20 before I stepped on stage. Yeah. You didn't know that?

[A]

Yeah. There's slot machines underneath your comedy.

[J]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[J]

They're right next to the bathroom of main chicks. I spent 20, and I won, like, like up to 30. And then I blew it all. Lost it all.

[A]

Yep.

[J]

But I only played 20.

[A]

That's good.

[J]

Never play with more than you're willing to lose.

[A]

That's right. James McCann.

[C]

Asher, you're saying a lot of things that are making me scared for your future and the future of your child. But I. I believe in you. You got a good energy.

[J]

Thank you.

[A]

Absolutely.

[C]

Asher, I wasn't going to say anything, but you asked me, and I, you know, you got to hang in. Look, comedy takes a long time to get going.

[J]

Yeah.

[C]

And kids are expensive really quickly.

[J]

Oh, yeah, I know.

[A]

What's the most expensive thing that your kid has contributed so far? Like. Like that you've had to pay for any. Anything.

[J]

It's really just the. The buildup of diapers and the food and everything. No one item is that expensive.

[A]

What does your baby like to eat? What is he eating?

[J]

I mean, baby food.

[A]

What flavor? What flavor baby food.

[J]

Exactly. Like, again, I'm not that much in his life. I have no idea.

[A]

You don't know what type of flavor food he eats?

[J]

No, I just give her the money and she buys it.

[A]

You don't ever see the kid all the time.

[J]

I don't feed him. She feeds him.

[A]

You've never had the urge to d. Madness is loving this right now. I think he just tried to choke you there for a second. I think he tried to reach.

[M]

I've.

[J]

I've seen him get fed.

[A]

Huh.

[J]

I've been there.

[A]

My.

[I]

I love.

[J]

I love my son. You paid me out to be a villain, but me and my.

[A]

Did you give him a white name or a black name?

[J]

I named him after my grandpa.

[A]

What's your Demetrius?

[J]

No, it's Italian. It's Rocco.

[A]

Oh, okay. Yeah, I could see why that would work.

[J]

Yeah. He doesn't look black at all. He looks like Filipino. Like, I don't know how it's not hitting because you can't see him, but, yeah, he's Filipino.

[A]

Whoa. Have you talked to your wife about this? Does your wife know that you consider your son Filipino?

[J]

I don't have a wife, but.

[A]

Right. Your baby mama.

[J]

Yeah. No. Yeah. And she hates it. She's like, stop talking about our son like that. And I'm like, he looks Filipino.

[C]

You know, if they ever bring that Maury Povich show, that could be a good way to get some money. Yeah, I can see you doing the dance.

[J]

Who's Maury Povich, though? I don't know.

[A]

It was a little bit before your time.

[C]

I'm sorry.

[A]

It was a little bit before your time. Six, seven years ago. You kids don't know. Oh, the crowd's turning on him quick, folks. This is a very Pro Mori crowd here. Asher Casson. Congratulations. Fun times. There he goes. Asher Casson.

[J]

Thank you.

[A]

Let's get one last bucket pull up here. We're having fun tonight. You guys having fun out there? All right, let's see what happens here. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. It's Josh Canada, everybody. Here comes Josh Canada. All right, thanks.

[K]

Thanks.

[N]

I'm having a. I'm having A great month right now. I actually is odd timing, but I just celebrated two years of marriage, so that was dope.

[A]

Oh, thank you.

[N]

Thank you, guys. It's a. It's a weird time in our marriage because we were talking. I wanted to go see the new Superman movie. It just came out on hbo and she was. I was explaining. It's really interesting because they changed directors, like revamping the universe. And she asked me, how long do you want me to pretend to care about this? So that's a new level of honesty. I didn't know that. I didn't want. You know what I'm saying? But I did see the new Superman is pretty good if you want to see it. I'm hearing a lot of weird stuff about it. People are like, there's one nation, right, that's like oppressing another nation. And it's an analogy for, like, Israel, Palestine. But if you want to see the movie, that's not at all true. It's not. And I know that because in the movie, Lois Lane is a reporter and she lived the whole time, so. All right, thanks. That's my time.

[A]

Appreciate it. All right, Josh, Canada. All right, Josh, how long you been doing comedy?

[N]

Coming up on two years.

[A]

Two years. Okay. And where at?

[N]

Colorado, mostly.

[A]

Colorado?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Okay. How's it going there in Colorado? Is it better than it just went here?

[N]

Yeah, I moved here in March and. Yeah, usually, yeah.

[A]

Okay. What do you do for work?

[N]

I'm between jobs, but looking for a barista gig right now.

[A]

Looking for a barista gig. This might be the fanciest unemployed crew of comedians ever pulled out of the bucket. A lot of people hopeful for jobs taken by 15 year olds.

[K]

Damn.

[N]

Fair enough.

[A]

Was that your best minute of comedy?

[N]

Definitely not, but yeah, it was what it was.

[A]

You know what I want to do? You know? You know what I'm thinking I want to do here? I want to check in. I want to check in with the bit with the. With our friends. Straight, no chaser over here. Kino. Can you light them up real quick, guys? What did you guys think about that performance? If you don't mind, we're here on Kill. Tony,

[L]

that set was not funny.

[A]

You shouldn't quit your day job. I rather hear bags and boxes

[C]

and we are straight.

[A]

No chaser. That's straight. No chaser over there, Ladies and gentlemen. Just checking in. Just enjoying the show over there. No big deal. How does that make you feel? Have you. Have you ever been. Have you ever been. Have you ever been demolished by a nine person Acapella group of before. Have you ever had your soul taken with such great tone and rhythm?

[N]

No, that was new. Yeah, it feels good.

[A]

It's unbelievable from my angle. I gotta tell you, I think I have the best seat in the house for this. They're just loving it. Look at the smiles on these guys faces. They all seem like the nicest guys, but they are loving just destroying you right now. Now let's check in with Jeff.

[B]

Die.

[D]

I, I, I felt like that was a little out of character for the acapella guy.

[A]

Yeah, it was.

[D]

Also, he seems like a nice guy. Why didn't you do it for all those other.

[A]

Well, I mean, I couldn't, why this one? I couldn't have him do it for the, for the trans or the. Yeah, I missed it on, I missed it on Frank. You guys remember Frank? Frank was rough, but it was Frank second time and this guy's been doing it two years. So it really, it really works for you because you've really had a lot of time to practice. This means more to you than it did for Frank. Josh, let's talk about it.

[C]

It meant so much to Frank.

[A]

Do you have any special skills or talents or anything, Josh?

[N]

Like I said, I was living in Colorado, so I love to snowboard and yeah, I got really into like pit grilling which was a lot of fun. But what is it like smoking meat and stuff?

[K]

Yeah.

[A]

Rock and roll, dude. Yeah. Smoking meat. Meat. Yeah, dude. Snowboarding and smoking meat, dude.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

When I'm not snowboarding about our smoking meat. Let me go send this new Superman movie. All right. Okay, Josh, when you do stand up, what else do you talk about? When you're not talking about the Superman movie? It's a 60 second setup for the lowest journalist survivor thing.

[H]

Fair enough.

[N]

Yeah, I talk a lot. My dad's from Mexico and yeah, I talk a lot about that. It's funny because I don't, people tell me, I don't like look Mexican or sound Mexican.

[A]

Right. And your last name is Canada. Yep, that's, that's your dad's last name.

[N]

It's so. It's Kenyatta. It's a ca.

[A]

Oh, Oh, I do see an accent mark there. I thought you drew like a funny mustache above it or something. But now, which I guess works both ways.

[N]

Yeah, it's just an end with like that weird ass sombrero. Yeah, it's a good time.

[A]

Kenyatta.

[N]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow. My God. That's a name that makes you want to close down all the borders.

[J]

Yeah.

[N]

No, ever since the election of I can go home by Canada, which is better for some reason. It's a good time.

[A]

Amazing. Amazing, Josh. Okay, so let's try this again. You've been doing it two years. I don't want you to. After I. There was something. I didn't think the acapella group was gonna light you up quite that hard. I feel even. I feel kind of bad. Even me, a writer of, like, 13 Comedy Central Roasts, right? I mean, I do this every week. There's something about being told you're not funny, in which I'm like, oh, God, that is as icy cold as it gets. Just nine guys hitting different notes and making it sound fun. Beautifully perfect. So I'm going to give you one chance here to redeem yourself. Two years in the game. I want you to do your best joke right now. Like a little quick, fast, little like baboon. All right, all right.

[E]

All.

[A]

Move the mic stand out of the way. Move the mic stand. All right, all right.

[N]

I think. I think mental health is important just because, you know, depressed people are so annoying as I can't over it. You know what I mean? And I'm not trying to, like, make light of suicidal people either, you know, because that's very serious. You know, with suicidal people, it's never who you want it to be. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Still not funny. My sweet, sweet Josh. Do you have any other special skills or talents other than snowboarding and smoking meat beats? Jeez, man. I was a grill and a pig the other night.

[C]

Awesome.

[N]

Yeah, I used to like to act a lot. That was a lot of fun. Okay, so that was.

[A]

Yeah.

[N]

Something I enjoyed doing kind of before.

[A]

COVID Do you live here now?

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, well, Josh, you know, we need you to sign up again sometime, Josh. Okay. In the meanwhile, what do you got there? What are you taking out Here is a. Here's a little joke book. Wasn't that. It wasn't a great day, Josh. It gets better. Sometimes the story. Sometimes people grow on this. Appreciate you, man. Thank you. One more time for Josh Kenyatta, ladies and gentlemen. He'll be back. He ain't quitting. He'll come back. He's just gotta and smoke some meats. He'll be back. All right. Well, what an episode it's been. How could we forget? It started with Kana Yasuda feeding me ramen. Dedrick Flynn absolutely destroying from the middle position. We've seen a lot since then. There's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen. And if you ask me, it is with the raining defending record hold holder for all time appearances and all time interviews. He's a Kiltoni hall of famer. That God himself said, I love that man. Some people call him the Vanilla Gorilla. The Memphis Strangler, the Tijuana Tarantula. The Bernie Bush. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the big Red machine. The one and only Lights out William Montgomery.

[L]

Remember when you could wish Covid on your worst enemy and it meant something? Mamdani. And by the way, I hope I'm pronouncing that right so I don't get jihadi after the show was just elected mayor and conservatives are pissed. Meanwhile my ass is handing out hitchhiking directions to the Austin homeless population. You're free. Go live in prosperity. Hey, Redban, kiss me if I'm wrong, but if you blow bubbles, can that spread hepatitis? Tesla shareholders approved a trillion dollar pay package for Elon Musk. That lucky son of a bitch is going to be able to retire at 55. Okay, that's my time.

[A]

Thank you, William. Lights out. Montgomery has done it again. I gotta tell you, William, I think we should just jump right into it, right? You went a little viral this week. I think everybody saw it. It's like a of bunch. Big deal. You want to talk about it, William?

[L]

Tony, it was the. I'm just going to use the word exciting. It was the most exciting show I've done in years. I'm not even kidding. I get up, I did this, some festival, little festival here in Austin. And I'm doing 25 minutes and within the first two minutes, some random person joins me on stage. He gets right beside me. Thank God he didn't have a gun or a knife or he would have killed me. He was standing right beside me and he asked for the microphone. And I just. I'm confused. I don't know what's going on. So I do the microphone to him and he's like, you're garbage. This is garbage. So that set a really good tone for the other 23 minutes I had to do after that fucking guy. I'm literally. People are, this hasn't happened. And towards the end of it, thank God I was able to just kind of relax and try to appreciate everything. But it was a whole bunch of kill yourself, get off the fucking stage. Where are the tomatoes? That's one that hurt me the most. Some idiot kept on yelling, where are the tomatoes? But I had to power through because I'm like, oh my God, I have to get paid. I have to do the Time. So it was. So I had to do it. But it was scary. But in the first 30 seconds I could tell it wasn't gonna go great. And then the guy joins me on stage and I didn't know who Morgan J. Was but I learned a couple things this weekend. I really did. And one of the things is just see who the headliner person is. And it was a guy named Morgan J. And I never met the guy before. He's very nice. He came up to me and he said hello. But I guess his whole thing is is he does the auto tune microphone and does crowd work the whole time.

[A]

He goes out into the crowd.

[L]

So it's a little different than the comedy that I do.

[A]

Yes.

[L]

Without it totally night and day different than what I did. There's a lot of his fans.

[D]

I think it could have been worse. He could have had an Acapula band tell you that your.

[A]

Yeah. If the whole audience. I don't get it.

[B]

Dumbass.

[L]

No, I'm kidding. I know.

[A]

That would have been bad. That would have been bad.

[C]

That have been bad.

[A]

And. And let's. Let's be clear here that your comedy style doesn't go that bad ever. Never. It's impossible because you headline your own shows, people come out to see you and sometimes you're on some of my shows in which everybody knows you. And for this festival you were paid a very handsome amount of money to do a gig that you normally wouldn't do because you normally. Let's just be honest here, you normally don't perform in your hometown very often. You work very often. You love making vast sums of money for your art. In which saying that I mean. But you do.

[L]

I mean this year.

[A]

Yeah.

[L]

Like as good as here.

[B]

Tony either.

[A]

Well, yeah. Cuz you're. Yeah. Okay. Yep. Okay. Let me just plow through what I'm saying here for a second. Oh no, you go ahead, James.

[C]

I was going to say I think after that video tickets might turn around. I think honestly that was a big viral thing and people are going to want to do that again and that. That's quite scary. But financially it will. That's good.

[A]

It's one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life. Without a doubt, we all love it. The kil. Tony fans love it because the jokes are rock solid.

[L]

But yeah, I do my Paul Walker Paul Crasher joke and it is an uproarious boo. Just this barrage of booze. They can't. So they love Paul Walker. I guess the Morgan J fans love Paul Walker. I had no idea. See, if I knew that, I wouldn't have done that joke. And there were other jokes too, that I wouldn't have done.

[A]

I don't know if there's any way to say this without being slightly political, right? But guys like that, that literally kind of like, sing about that at a. Like, very.

[L]

Talking about Indian guys.

[A]

Well, no, I'm kidding.

[C]

I'm kidding.

[A]

I mean, the guy, you know, I mean, it's. It's funny too. There's. There's Kill Tony fans, right? And then there's.

[L]

Oh, my gosh. It seemed wonderful. I was watching his videos, and at first I was confused because it was like, oh, my gosh, what's going on? Where's the joke?

[C]

Jokes.

[L]

But then I'm watching him like, oh, this is funny, right? It was funny.

[A]

Yes, it was.

[L]

There's one thing where it's the older guy sitting next to a young kid. He's like, how do you know this kid? And that made me laugh because it's like. And then the guy's like, oh, it's my cousin. And it's like, oh, my gosh. And it's auto dudes.

[A]

He's like, that's your cousin?

[L]

That's your.

[A]

Yeah. And like. So that fan base that this guy has built is, let's just say, very, very clean. Right? Very clean. Not anything of any. Like, you know, it's woke church pretty much. Well, I mean, you know. Yeah, yeah. No, I mean, he was real nice to me.

[L]

I have nothing.

[A]

I'm not saying anything bad about him. Why don't we do this? Why don't you describe what the audience was like? If you could describe what you were looking at out there. What did it look like to you?

[L]

Mainly Hispanic people.

[C]

No, I'm kidding.

[A]

Okay.

[L]

But yeah, no, it seemed like a lot of Hispanic people. But in the past, what'd you talk. There have been wonderful nights.

[A]

What did you tell me on the phone when I called you? When I called you to make sure you weren't gonna kill yourself? What. How did you describe the audience to me? Do you remember? They looked very non.

[L]

Oh, non binary. And I say that. Oh. And seriously. And that's just a descriptor. It means nothing. I don't care one way or the other.

[A]

But for the record, look, you're not gonna. You're not gonna win them back now, William.

[L]

No, I'm not trying to say I don't give a. But for the record, when I'm calling the person a slut and a. That was A non binary looking, nasty

[K]

looking

[L]

for my death. Literally saying, kill yourself. And I feel weird, Tony, because I literally see a hundred cameras up there. So I'm like, this is awkward because it's like I gotta try to defend myself a little, I guess, because there's all these people, but it's all these idiots filming and it's. I don't know.

[A]

Right.

[L]

It was all. So I just powered through it.

[A]

But it's just a different type of jokes, a different type of audience. It happens.

[L]

Yes. And it was scary. It scared me a little.

[A]

There's people that if I. That if I. If I was in that spot, it would have been the same thing. Like, there's certain audiences that literally perhaps have never seen a real comedy show before. They. They see someone that's famous on Instagram, they go. And they just want to see them sing. Auto tune crowd work. You know what I mean? And you're up there doing actual jokes. I bet you went out there, I bet you didn't see a single corn T shirt or an Ozzy Osbourne T shirt. Right. Like you do out here. It's a little bit different of a crowd, Correct?

[L]

Yes.

[A]

Very.

[L]

Totally in agreeance on that.

[J]

Right.

[A]

So what did you. What did you learn from this experience, William? Yeah, let's play a little clip. Red band has a little clip. Get him out of here.

[B]

Holy.

[L]

What the did you just say to me?

[A]

Don't call her a

[L]

yike.

[A]

Wow. So that's. That's a little bit. Let me get that one.

[L]

Legitimately angry.

[A]

We have a little bit more. Hold on. Let's play a little bit more. This is playing well in this room.

[L]

So I started taking weed Viagra. But the only problem is whenever I smoke it, my eyes get hard.

[A]

It's amaz.

[C]

It's kidding.

[L]

Just need to buckle in, cuz I.

[A]

There's zero laughter. Zero laughter. And there's a lot of people.

[C]

Hundreds, in fact.

[A]

Booze.

[L]

It was not only not laughter, it was also booze.

[A]

Wow.

[L]

Like the entire time.

[A]

Crazy that you're just jokes destroy here and get booze there. My recommendation is they should have perhaps Frank open up for Morgan J. Next time because he gets booze here. Maybe he would get big laughs there. Maybe Frank, his third appearance ever. He should make thousands and thousands of dollars to do 25 minutes. All right. William, you look fantastic. How much weight have you lost?

[L]

Thank you.

[C]

I don't know.

[L]

It's the Manjaro.

[A]

I'm on one.

[L]

No, it's. Yeah, well, I haven't been able to do the row machine in two weeks. It's very sad. I'm getting into a weird thing. God, after that set in the past, if it was when I was. Sorry, I was looking at your bosoms for a second. Oh my gosh. She really has her mouth there. I'm kidding.

[A]

Those are big. Yeah, those are huge. Those are. Those are giant bosoms.

[L]

What was I talking about? I don't even remember what I was talking about. Wait, seriously, what was. I'm kid, I'm. I'm not being mean or anything. What was I talking about though? Oh, yeah, no, after the. After the set. Normally if it was when I was drinking and doing cocaine, I would have gotten all up and I just ate a large Papa John stuffed crust pizza. So I'm doing better.

[A]

Wow. What did you have on your Papa John's large stuff? Just a little sausage. What else. What else was on the pizza?

[L]

It was just sausage.

[A]

Oh, well, you did it again. William Montgomery. You might get booze and silence other places, but here he is, beloved. Guys, let's see what Ryan Je belt drew tonight during this. Wow, look at that. That's James McCann and Jeff Die. Ryan je belt.com for those prints. Chris Rogers, what you draw tonight. Oh, shit. The new regular, Dedrick Flynn over there. Guys, how loud can this place get for our guest, James McCann, whose new book, book of poems Disquieting levels of egg is on Amazon right now. His special is a wild hit on YouTube. Black Israelite. He has the James McCann Catamaran podcast.

[C]

James McCann, don't forget that new book of poems, Disquieting levels of egg.

[A]

There you go.

[C]

You've forgotten a bit.

[A]

They love poems. This crowd. Perhaps. Perhaps Morgan J can tweet that auto tune crowd.

[C]

They're gonna love poems.

[A]

They're gonna love it.

[C]

Those people are sick and disgusting. Can I say them? I love you.

[A]

That's right. James McCann, ladies and gentlemen. Jeff Dye is on tour. Jeff dye.com he has the new die hard pod. Thank you, Jeff.

[D]

Thanks for having me.

[A]

How about one more time for straight no chaser over there. Their pre show performance was unbelievable. Love the cameo during the show. SNC music.com they're on tour everywhere. Follow them on social media at SNC Music. They are unbelievable. Thank you to Talk Space Zip Recruiter and Tobas. Hyper regina.com ryanjebelt.com Red Band. Check out my fake band. I got a couple new songs. Cat Bread 7 on YouTube. Cap Red Music. Love you guys. That is AI music. For those of you that literally will listen to anything. He's got a new AI Thing. He's doing my poetry.

[C]

Tony.

[A]

That's right. It's. It's really amazing. I mean, if you love anything, you will love Cat bread, music, whiskey hall. Check it out. Yeah. All right. How about one more time for the best stand band in all the land. Live audience. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. Sam. The Sunset Strip comedy club in Austin, Texas, is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. SA.