#676 - SAM MORRIL - CHAD DANIELS

Summary

Kill Tony #676 - Sam Morril & Chad Daniels

Recorded at Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX — August 13, 2024
Guests: Sam Morril (“You’ve Changed”, Amazon Prime), Chad Daniels (“Empty Nester”, Netflix)
Host: Tony Hinchcliffe, with co-host Brian Redban

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Episode Overview

This episode of Kill Tony features heavyweight comedic guests Sam Morril and Chad Daniels, both with new specials out, joining Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban for a raucous night of stand-up, crowd engagement, and the signature blend of organic chaos that defines the show. The night features first-timers, fan favorites, and a memorable batch of comedians drawn from the bucket—and includes multiple cerebral palsy comics, moving personal stories, confessional crime tales, and the typical sharp-witted riffing between panelists.

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Key Segments & Discussion Highlights

[03:11] - Introducing the Guests & Explaining the Rules

• Guests: Sam Morril (first appearance despite many close calls) and Chad Daniels (debut).
• Show premise explained: Over 250 comics sign up for a chance at one minute on stage; most fail spectacularly, but a few shine.

[05:34] - Golden Ticket Regular: Martin Phillips

Martin's loose, playful set and lively follow-up banter set the show’s tone.

• Jokes about TV show "Martin," college with a Vietnam veteran, and "saying Jesus during sex."
• Notable banter: Martin addresses his cerebral palsy with humor and challenges “condescending questions” about driving:

  “You think I can’t drive a car? It’s 2024. We have self-driving cars.” (09:18)

• Panel riffs on disabilities, driving, and motorcycle sidecars.

[13:02] - Jack Horner (Comedian with Cerebral Palsy)

• Jokes centered on drugs, prison experiences, and post-breakup depression.
• Self-aware about bombing, jokes about “pity sex” and freshly trimmed pubes.
• Notable quote:

  “Cocaine. Forever, man. Yeah, forever. 27.” (14:53)

• Admits to past arrests: weed possession and drunk driving.

[20:45] - Shiva Ari (Heroin Recovery, Dallas Comic)

• Skillful set on dating white women, tattoos, and dark humor about his ex-fiancée.
• Opens up in the interview about long-term heroin addiction, recovery, and his journey into comedy:

  “Comedy is actually what kind of got me off heroin a little bit.” (27:44)

• Sam Morril spots potential for Shiva’s DARE anecdote.

[28:57] - Chris Howard (Short King, Leasing Agent, Austin Local)

• Jokes about workplace apathy as a barista and being 5'2".
• Tony puts his “weight claim” to the test, resulting in a live on-stage scale reading:

  “114 pounds, ladies and gentlemen!” (35:43)

• Humorous probing into dating, love life, and meeting his girlfriend on Twitter.

[39:38] - Enrique Chacon (Illegal Alien Bits, Life on the Road)

• Makes light of immigration and border crossing:

  “You gotta be an American Ninja Warrior, dog.” (40:41)

• Talks about quitting Buc-ee’s for a comedy road life, sharing peanut butter sandwich diet and home goat-milking sideline.
• Drove cross-country with Martin Phillips (“he wanted to prove himself”).

[45:30] - Rose Highland (English Comic, Grunge Band Member)

• Fresh take on the US citizenship test; jokingly puts “9/11” as a national holiday.
• Tony queries her Ameri-Brit experience; she reveals she's in a band (Sunspite), and they improvise a grunge number onstage.
• Unwittingly, her love life becomes a major thread: her visa is tied to her husband, but her boyfriend (also a comic) is next out of the bucket.

[54:34] - Cameron Ilig (Rose’s Boyfriend, “White Cam”)

• Wryly navigates following his girlfriend’s set and the awkward reveal of her complicated relationship.
• Slays with a joke about ski slope colors—“double black,” a riff on white people inventing skiing:

  “I think black’s the scariest...what’s scarier than black? Double black!” (56:13)

• Endures panel grilling about Rose’s marriage and employment as an "ice truck driver."

[63:19] - Cam Patterson (“Black Cam”)

• Delivers a high-energy, sharp set about Phoenix heat, beautiful women, and God.
• Tony shouts out Cam’s real-time viral Trump shooting bit.
• Touching note: Cam bought his dad a car from comedy proceeds (“2008 Nissan Camry”). (67:01)
• Roasts his own early-career bomb introducing Chad Daniels.

[70:52] - Benjamin Gray (Anecdotes from a Wild Life)

• 73-year-old comic delivers a classic “old guy” set.
• Tony pushes for tales of Benjamin’s colorful past, coaxing out a vivid, hilarious retelling of his first armed robbery:

  “I had a ski mask on—it was a hat that turned into a ski mask...I told everyone move that way.” (80:19+)

• Panel enthralled; Sam Morril jokes:

  “You lived your life in the movie ‘Heat’ and you open with other material!” (85:37)

• Tony: “You’re 73, you don’t have anything to lose anymore. It’s time to tell the world all the crazy shit about you.” (90:12)

[91:54] - Fiona Cauley (Wheelchair Comic from Nashville)

• Killer set about cobblestone = “public masturbation” for wheelchair users; “I lost 10 pounds of muscle—because I’m dying.”
• Revelations: Her nudes leaked after her last Kill Tony appearance (“They’re five years old, so I’m standing in them.”)
• Shares about living with Friedreich’s Ataxia, prognosis, and new FDA-approved treatment that’s giving her hope:

  "This medication...pauses the progression." (99:50)

[104:02] - Jamie (Audience Member/Newcomer)

• A self-described midlife crisis techie with an awkward AI bit, flounders in Q&A.
• Tony’s patented withering but hilarious takedown:

  “This will discourage people from signing up for the show.” (106:17)

[109:08] - Ebad Jengda (Pakistani Comic)

• Fresh immigrant perspective: family pressure, curated lists for arranged marriage, and Wu Tang Clan gangbang joke.
• Banter about Pakistani stereotypes and making music.

[114:37] - Matt Taylor (Wheelchair Comic’s Boyfriend)

• Reveals he’s dating Fiona Cauley; riffs on being the “short king” to her “auto thot.”
• Jokes about “fear of long-term commitment” and that post-coital joke jumpstarted pharmaceutical progress on wheelchair cures.

[119:43] - William Montgomery (Show Closer, House Comic)

• Signature style: absurdism, political jabs (“How did Hillary Clinton’s fat ass get on that roof?” about Trump shooting), and meta-jokes.
• Tells tale of suspected “worm in his dog” and being “gaslit” by the vet.
• Hilarious and escalating confrontation with guest Chad Daniels, culminating in an apology and mutual winking bit.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Martin Phillips, about driving with CP:
  "You think I can't drive? It's 2024. I can drive a car." (09:18)

• Sam Morril, on another CP comic:
  "He was more palsy than you and he was far more cerebral as well." (19:19)

• Shiva Ari on gateway drugs:
  "D.A.R.E. lied about weed...but they didn’t lie about heroin. They were right about that one." (26:54)

• Rose Highland, on citizenship tests:
  "I got 82% wrong...First question: Name two national holidays. I just said 9/11." (46:06)

• Tony, after weight scale results:
  "114 pounds, ladies and gentlemen! Oh my god. You got busted, bro." (35:43)

• Enrique Chacon, about crossing the border:
  "You gotta be an American Ninja Warrior, dog." (40:41)

• Chad Daniels, to William Montgomery after banter escalation:
  "I know what I just did. I put a worm in your dog." (125:41)

• Tony, to Benjamin, on his criminal youth:
  "It’s time to tell the world all the crazy shit about you." (90:12)

• Fiona Cauley, on her nudes leak:
  "That's the bad part. These nudes are like five years old, so I'm standing in them." (95:01)

• Cam Patterson, about providing for his dad:
  "I bought him a 2008 Nissan Camry...That’s what he wanted." (67:03)

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Key Timestamps

• 03:11 – Introduction of guests, show explanation
• 05:34 – Martin Phillips’ opening set and banter
• 13:02 – Jack Horner’s set and CP/dating/Red Bull riff
• 20:45 – Shiva Ari: Heroin, dating, and comedy as recovery
• 28:57 – Chris Howard’s barista bit and live weigh-in
• 39:38 – Enrique Chacon: Immigration comedy, road stories
• 45:30 – Rose Highland: English in America, live band bit, visa trouble
• 54:34 – Cameron Ilig: Rose’s boyfriend, sly response to relationship revelations
• 63:19 – Cam Patterson: Hot women in Phoenix, viral Trump joke, buying dad a car
• 70:52 – Benjamin Gray: Crime tales, “first armed robbery” story
• 91:54 – Fiona Cauley: Wheelchair humor, living/dying with ataxia, nudes leaked online
• 104:02 – Jamie: First-time, awkward AI material, roast by panel
• 109:08 – Ebad Jengda: Pakistani family pressures, Wu Tang punchline
• 114:37 – Matt Taylor: Dating Fiona, wheelchair sex-life jokes
• 119:43 – William Montgomery: Absurd closer, worms, confrontation with Chad Daniels

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Episode Tone & Style

True to form, this Kill Tony is fast-paced, rowdy, brimming with dark humor, self-deprecation, and genuine vulnerability from both pros and amateurs. Tony relentlessly roasts, the guests—especially Sam and Chad—trade tough but affectionate barbs, and multiple comics display uncommon openness about disability, addiction, crime, relationships, and hopes. The show is at its best when chaos erupts: from double CP sets to an ex-bank robber recounting a heist, wheelchair nudes, and a roast battle meltdown between the panel and house comics.

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Best for Listeners Who...

• Love rapid-fire live stand-up and behind-the-curtain roasts.
• Want a window into the struggles, dreams, and follies of up-and-coming comics.
• Enjoy edgy, unscripted comedy about disability, addiction, immigration, and unconventional relationships.
• Appreciate classic crowd-work and spontaneous chaos.

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Final Highlights

• Sam Morril and Chad Daniels shine as guests, offering punch lines and industry perspective.
• Comedians with disabilities are showcased with both empathy and irreverence.
• Standout confessional: 73-year-old Benjamin Gray’s tale of a bumbling 1960s robbery.
• Fiona Cauley’s ongoing success and resilience draw laughs and admiration.
• House favorite William Montgomery brings the night home, worm stories and all.

[End of summary]

Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV and now on Spotify and Apple podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to tonyhinchcliffe.com everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates at tonyhinchcliffe.com if you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to Death Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Radman coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony. It's clear. Who's ready for the best night of their lives tonight, huh? Yippee do da motherfucking day. You made it. Make some noise for Red Dan, everybody. Hey. Ooh la la. You're here. The number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony brought to you Game Time and Zipper Grooter. How about one more time for the best stam band in the land, huh? Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo. They are the Grooveline horns. They are here live in the flesh. How about a hand for the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Matt Muhling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys. And this is indeed the great and powerful D Madness on the bass guitar. Live in the flesh. A whole lot to get to tonight. Very exciting stuff. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. You guys ready to start tonight's show or. Every single week, I have two of the funniest comedians in the world on the show. These two guys literally have the two newest specials out right now. The newest special on Amazon, the newest special on Netflix. Make some noise for two of the best in the world, Sam Morel and Chad Daniels. Yes. Booyah. Have a seat, Sam. Chad, we're here. Mama. We made it. Sam's been on this show before. You've changed on Amazon Prime. You haven't.

[Benjamin Gray]

I know. I've never.

[Sam Morrell]

This is my first time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Sam Morrell]

We tried to make it work a million times.

[Benjamin Gray]

It never worked.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. You always had to, like, reschedule or something crazy happen.

[Sam Morrell]

Well, welcome A fucking cunt. Get me on the bed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You like?

[Sam Morrell]

This guy's difficult.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We finally Got big enough for you to grace us with your presence. You've changed. On Amazon Prime. Out now. Welcome another first time guest, Chad Daniels, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. The newest special on Netflix, Alex. Empty Nester. Out now, two of the most respected comedians in the game. Brand new kill, Tony Blood. So let me explain to you guys how it works. Over 250 comedians signed up for the chance, hoping, praying that they get a minute on this stage. Some of them inside the room, most of them at a bar across the street. If I pull their name out, we send a wrangler to go grab them from across the street. They drag them backstage, take the guns and knives out of their pockets and then they come up, get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. They have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear which interrupts them. And then I interview them and we have a bunch of fun. We figure out other things about them that make them interesting and what could possibly be funny about them. People can make, they can have a huge career off of having a single great minute and interview on this show. But for the most part, people are retarded and get embarrassed and their hopes and dreams come crumbling down because they didn't do enough preparation and they got gotten their heads behind the curtain listening to other people getting laughs and thinking, I don't think I can do that. I fucked up. Then they panic and they fuck up in front of everybody. And it's amazing and organic and improvised and anything can happen. You guys ready to start the show? Well, I pull a name out of the bucket, they grab them from across the street. And in the meanwhile, we have one of our unbelievable golden ticket winners here rotating into the opening regular position to start the show. You know him, you love him. He's a freak of nature. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your first comedian tonight, the great Martin Phillips.

[Martin Phillips]

What's up? Very cool. Okay. Like he started at a binary meters. Martin. You might recognize me from my TV show, Martin. As you can see, a lot has changed over the years, but I can still say the N word. That's a joke. That's a joke. Just clarify. Anyway, when I was in college, I took a class, helped the Vietnam War and there was an old guy in the class who served in Vietnam and I was like, damn, talk about an easy A. Like I wasn't aware of this extra credit opportunity, you know about something like surfing a water and I have to Take a test about it. Wasn't paying attention that day. Okay. Cool.

[Sam Morrell]

Cool.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay. What more okay. Do you think, you know if you say Jesus during sex, he looks down and goes nice. Cool. Ok.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck yeah. Martin Phillips always hits. Always another super strong minute. Chad, this is your first time seeing Martin, right?

[Chad Daniels]

It is. Same same taking it in, baby.

[Martin Phillips]

It's a lot to take in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was great.

[Chad Daniels]

I loved your show.

[Benjamin Gray]

Thanks. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He has cerebral palsy. It's not an act. He's trying to hide it tonight.

[Martin Phillips]

A lot of hands trying to protect chill.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's probably weirder to hide it. You might as well just let it rip so that it doesn't look like you're hiding.

[Martin Phillips]

Relax. Don't even relax.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Jack Horner]

Okay.

[Martin Phillips]

Getting silly heart guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at him go. He's like one of those car dealership things.

[Martin Phillips]

I. I just said that.

[Benjamin Gray]

I just.

[Martin Phillips]

I just said that. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, you're trying to okay your way out of this situation.

[Martin Phillips]

That's my go to. Is that a cool okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. I love it. Hands back in the pot.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, it's. It's a chill, relaxed look.

[Cameron Ilig]

It's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're the most unrelaxed guy with hands in pockets I've ever seen.

[Martin Phillips]

I'm trying to be relaxed sometimes.

[Sam Morrell]

I just realized it's really hard to look relaxed with your condition. That's gotta be tough.

[Martin Phillips]

There's nothing we can do about that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God.

[Jack Horner]

Sorry.

[Cameron Ilig]

Okay.

[Martin Phillips]

What about hands out the back?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is this. Oh, that's actually.

[Martin Phillips]

I like doing this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Although it looks like I'm being like. I'm like tied up or something. Hostage up here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We love you. You Martin. How's life been going?

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, it's good. It's cool. You know, been. Been traveling around for shows.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Been in Florida, hot as shit. Being Phoenix, hot as shit. I want to go somewhere cold.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Does the heat affect your condition at all?

[Martin Phillips]

No, it just sucks and it's just hot, you know? I don't think it does.

[Chad Daniels]

Chad, you were driving around to shows.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay, first of all, first of all, go fuck yourself. I fucking hate that. That's such a. Everyone who says that is a fucking piece of shit. Cause it's like, dude, it's 2024. Like we had self driving cars. You think I can't drive a car?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who the fuck's pressing the buttons on your self driving car?

[Martin Phillips]

I'm just saying it's not that big. It's not that. That I can drive.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Martin Phillips]

However, I will say if I have like Another license like a pilot license or a motorcycle then that would be pretty concerning. I get that part. I think a car is okay.

[Chad Daniels]

I gotta say, a car's still fucking concerning.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, okay.

[Martin Phillips]

You want to take a ride, buddy? Listen, I guess, yeah, I'm fucking.

[Chad Daniels]

I don't want to fight you. I like you. I just asked a fucking yes or no question question.

[Martin Phillips]

I just. But I think it's like a lame. Ask questions when people ask that.

[Chad Daniels]

It's a lame question to ask you

[Jack Horner]

if you drive a car.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, cuz there. Assuming I can't cuz I crippled like

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

that's why I asked.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, but. But that's like very. Yeah, that's like very condescending.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't. It was a real question.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, it's kind of like you. It's like certain etiquette. You wouldn't go up. The people would be like oh, you know, you climb stairs. It's like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you? Do you climb stairs?

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, that climbs. I can do so much shit.

[Chad Daniels]

To be fair, I didn't walk up to you on the street and go, hey man, do you drive cars? You fucking said I was driving around,

[Martin Phillips]

which means I drive a car. I didn't drive a car. I would say somebody was drunk driving. I just don't think it's that big of a. I'm getting heated tonight. I'm not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah you are. You're fired. Up, up. I like this.

[Martin Phillips]

I just think. I don't know. You shouldn't. I don't think it's that big of a deal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I have good news for you. You just won a brand new Harley Davidson for the great people at Harley Davidson. You have a motorcycle now self driving. But because you had such a attitude about how good of a driver you are, you're gonna have to figure it out, Mr. Able Body Guy.

[Martin Phillips]

That is a different vehicle. It's not the same as a car. Also doesn't have training wheels because I'm for it now you get some dry. I don't. I can't balance.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They should make motorcycles with training wheels. They do, they do.

[Martin Phillips]

Oh they do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? Do you have one? Is that what you have? No, no, but you've seen the ones with the wheels on the side like the. It's almost like two wheels in the back and a wheel in the front. They call them like factors or viper. Have you ever thought about that? A big.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, I've seen those. I have thought about that actually.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you ever thought about just riding dirty out there in a electric tricycle or something?

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, well, then we'll see how good of a driver I am with that. Then. You can ask that if it was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We will ask that at your funeral. For sure. We will always go, I wonder what would have happened.

[Martin Phillips]

Get in the eulogy.

[Sam Morrell]

At your funeral, Jesus is going to look down and be like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, cool, Martin, you're a monster. We fucking love you. You did it again. You started the show with a huge boom. The great Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen. He's the man. And it has begun. And to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, this is where shit gets wild. Anything can happen. 60 seconds uninterrupted for your first bucket pull of the night. Jack Horner, everybody. Here we. Oh, shit, it's another one.

[Jack Horner]

Oh, my God. You beautiful fucks. You beautiful fucks. Make some noise.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys ready for a good time?

[Jack Horner]

Yeah. Come on. Yeah. Oh, man. Who's partying? Who likes drugs? Yeah, drugs. Yeah. My favorite drug is cocaine because it makes me psychic. Yeah, Like I had a premonition the other day that three days from now I'm gonna lose my job. If you laughed at that joke, that means you've done cocaine. How do I know? Because I'm psychic. Oh, man. Guys, I was joking about that. But I have been to prison. I've been to the big house. The hard part about being incarcerated was explaining to everyone that the teardrop tattoos were actually semen drops. No, guys, I'm sorry. That was a little cringe. I'm going through a hard time right now. I just got out of a long term relationship is with my cellmate Larry. We broke up because I was always the little spoon. The big spoon was America's opiate epidemic. Man, this. This crowd. What's up? What's not. Not a party crowd tonight. What the. What the. Going on? Anyway, no. Okay, okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Okay.

[Jack Horner]

Hi. Sam Morrell.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. Straight to all your own. Hello there. All right.

[Jack Horner]

Yeah, but what was wrong with. Did I do something wrong?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you were fine.

[Jack Horner]

Is it my posture?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did a cute little opioid spoon thing there at the end. You turned on the audience very quickly.

[Jack Horner]

Well, it's hard for me to turn, Tony, you know that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. What is Impressive again. We went for. Did we just grab two cerebral palsy people in a room?

[Jack Horner]

Yeah. Oh, is he also a palsy?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Jack Horner]

Well, are you gonna try to have us fight to the death? What are we gonna fight to the death? We could fight me and Martin, not you and me. What the fuck, man?

[Benjamin Gray]

Come on.

[Jack Horner]

That would be funny, right? We fought to the death.

[Sam Morrell]

I think this guy's gotta stop doing cocaine. He's got too much confidence.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Jack Horner]

No, no, no. Cocaine. Forever, man. Yeah, forever. 27.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Chad, I'm gonna let you go ahead and ask him if he drives.

[Shiva Ari]

Yeah.

[Jack Horner]

Well, no, not only do I drive, I volunteer to drive my friends if they're drunk because it's like the same experience, basically. You know, it's like a drunk Dr. You know, all the fun, no risks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. All right.

[Jack Horner]

I have really high insurance.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of car do you have?

[Jack Horner]

So it's a Honda Insight Hybrid, electric. I care about the environment.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right. Jack, are you on drugs tonight?

[Jack Horner]

No, actually, I'm so. I just pounded a Red Bull and I'm really nervous.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Jack Horner]

I'm scared, man. My dick is like. My dick and balls are, like, shrinking back into my body. I'm nervous.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can't even imagine.

[Jack Horner]

I actually trimmed my pubes for this, too.

[Cam Patterson]

Did you?

[Jack Horner]

Yeah.

[Sam Morrell]

Are you planning something else we don't know about?

[Jack Horner]

Well, no, I. I hopefully now that I'm on the show.

[Benjamin Gray]

Yeah.

[Jack Horner]

Let's party, ladies.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Jack Horner]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Stop trying to make your own little moments.

[Sam Morrell]

Yeah, I don't think this set's gonna get you laid, buddy.

[Jack Horner]

Oh, no, really? Come on. I mean, if anything is, like, what, even pity? Like, Come on. Like, what about, like, freshly trimmed cubes? Does that not give me any credit?

[Chad Daniels]

I don't think it gives you credit when you start with, I did cocaine long enough to get fired and I've been to prison.

[Jack Horner]

Oh, yeah.

[Chad Daniels]

No one's gonna.

[Jack Horner]

I thought that makes me a tough guy. No, no, not if I, like, did blowjobs in prison. That was the point of that joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you?

[Jack Horner]

Well, right. Cause, like, if you do a teardrop tattoo, it means you've killed people. So if it's semen drops, that means you've sucked dick.

[Sam Morrell]

No, we got the joke. I'm asking if you really did it.

[Jack Horner]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not at all. I'm a fraud.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Explain the opioid spoon one. No, I'm kidding. What did you go to jail for?

[Jack Horner]

Oh, I mean, I did go to jail. Like, I got arrested once, but they, like, let me. They let me go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Jack Horner]

Yeah, I've been arrested twice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

For what?

[Jack Horner]

Well, so one time I was smoking weed and, like, this vacant parking lot, and I thought it was cool, you know? But it's right by the highway, and it's like a parking lot for a small business. So, yeah, they just fucking arrested me.

[Benjamin Gray]

But.

[Jack Horner]

But here's the cool thing. They let me Keep my weed. Right. Like, it was still there. Like whenever. Whenever I got back, they didn't, like, take it. But I got arrested. Yeah, right. Cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about the other time you were arrested? What was that for?

[Jack Horner]

Drunk driving. There you go. Yeah.

[Sam Morrell]

When you got pulled over, did you tell the cop about your freshly trimmed pubes?

[Jack Horner]

Yeah, yeah, I always do. You know, actually, I just showed, you know, show, don't tell. That's the key.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Jack, what else is going on in life? What's really happening?

[Jack Horner]

Jack, I am unemployed. That I'm not really helping out with, like, the job search right now. I don't think, you know, I just admitted.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was the last job that you had?

[Jack Horner]

I'm not making this up. I was a door to door salesman.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were a door to door salesman?

[Jack Horner]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

For.

[Jack Horner]

For Spectrum? Yeah. For Internet?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, in the Spectrum.

[Benjamin Gray]

Like.

[Jack Horner]

Yeah. So that. No, that's a pitch. No, that works. It's like I'm on the Spectrum. And speaking of spectrum, have you ever got. Have you guys ever tried some lightning fast Internet?

[Cameron Ilig]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. So how's comedy been going? What have you been doing with your career?

[Martin Phillips]

Good.

[Jack Horner]

I did two shows this last month. This last week, I was kind of lazy. I only did three mics, which I feel kind of bad about, but one of them was 15 minutes. No, way better. I should be famous. Tony. Come on.

[Benjamin Gray]

Famous?

[Jack Horner]

No, no, no, no, you're right. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have the ailments to be famous, but you have to follow through with the. You have to have the written material.

[Jack Horner]

Yeah, I feel like instead of like a Patreon, I should have like a 1900 number or something like that. 1-800-number. You can just donate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't think you should chug Red Bulls before going on stage anymore. I think it.

[Jack Horner]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think it affects your execution of everything you've actually been on a few times. This is definitely the worst.

[Jack Horner]

Yeah.

[Chad Daniels]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Every other time.

[Jack Horner]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Has been better.

[Jack Horner]

Oh, I mean, like, I'm the first one to go up, though. Is that not part of it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no, no. There was literally a guy with your disease on before you crushing that.

[Jack Horner]

No, but that counts against me a little bit, right? Like, if there had been nobody else with cp.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, that would have been like, the first. We literally have five more people with CP coming.

[Jack Horner]

Oh, wow. Okay.

[Sam Morrell]

Yeah, he was. He was more palsy than you and he was far more cerebral as well.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, absolutely.

[Jack Horner]

Yeah, fair enough.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is a full CP episode tonight. Cp. Either they have cerebral palsy or it's colored People, that's all we have throughout the entire show. CP Kill Tony.

[Jack Horner]

Or if you ask the guest, child pornography.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We also have one cockapoo who's going to do 60 seconds tonight on the CP episode. Jack, you already have a big joke, but book.

[Jack Horner]

I do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you have a little joke book.

[Jack Horner]

I don't have a little.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't? Well, guess what? Tonight's your lucky night. Oh, thank you. There you go, misses the catch. That Red Bull. I'm telling you, there are negative effects to Red Bull, everybody.

[Benjamin Gray]

Oh, no.

[Jack Horner]

I'm sorry. Yeah, I shouldn't have done that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're all right, Jack, we love you. We'll see you around town. There he goes. Jack Horner, everybody. I'll tell you, it's weird for me, like, when I'm like walking around downtown and stuff and I run into guys like that after an appearance like that. He's like. Then they give me these excuses and stuff like, man, I wish I would have done better. It's like, yeah, you will, dude. Like Red Bull, too. That's not an excuse. Yeah, Red Bull's a rough excuse. Okay. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Here we go. Make some noise for Shiba. Any Shiba, Ari. Here we go.

[Rose Highland]

Hey.

[Shiva Ari]

So I have cerebral palsies. No, no, I'm kidding. I date a lot of white women. Yeah? Yeah, it's pretty cool. I mainly do it because I think that's like the closest to free health care I'm ever gonna get. Yeah, I mean, they're not buying me healthcare or anything. I just get to try out a lot of pills. Be like, bloop. Hopefully I don't have depression. Bloop. Hopefully I don't have anxiety.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bloop.

[Shiva Ari]

Hopefully I'm not pregnant. All right.

[Benjamin Gray]

Yeah.

[Shiva Ari]

I've actually dated so many white women, I actually have a white girl's name tattooed on my hand. Yeah. And I usually date women a generation younger than me. Not because I'm a creep. They're just the only generation that can't read cursive. So actually, I got this tattoo of my ex fiance. I got this tattoo of my ex fiance on my hand because actually my ex fiance actually died in my hands. But. No, but that's what happens when you choke a

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shiva Ari. Am I saying yes, sir?

[Shiva Ari]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shiva, Ari.

[Shiva Ari]

Yes, sir. Shiva. Ari.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shiva.

[Shiva Ari]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shiva.

[Martin Phillips]

What?

[Matt Taylor]

Ari.

[Benjamin Gray]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I'm kidding. Welcome, Shiva. You've been on the show before, correct?

[Jack Horner]

Yeah.

[Shiva Ari]

The New Year show. Yeah. Lot lighter audience from the New Year's show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Lighter audience?

[Shiva Ari]

Yeah. There was like 4,000 people on that one. I think it was good. And I also got booed, so that happened.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did you say that got you booed?

[Shiva Ari]

I played guitar.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. That's right. Yeah. So let's talk about it.

[Shiva Ari]

If it was a sitar, I would have done better. That's what I think. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, if it was a tar, you would have nailed it.

[Shiva Ari]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What I understand you're getting booed in an arena. Must suck.

[Shiva Ari]

Yeah, it was fun. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Shiva Ari]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. All right. So how long you been doing stand up?

[Shiva Ari]

Nine years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nine years. Where at?

[Shiva Ari]

Mainly Dallas. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Shiva Ari]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you live here now?

[Shiva Ari]

Yeah, Yeah, I started working at Vulcan down the street. Do shows there and. Yeah. Pretty awesome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, awesome. How long have you been in Austin?

[Shiva Ari]

Like two months. Yeah, I was living out my car at the arena show and then. Yeah. Now things are.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at you now. What's your living situation like now?

[Shiva Ari]

I live with Jolly. David Jolly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. What a wild house that must be.

[Shiva Ari]

Yeah, I prefer the car, but yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Unbelievable. So it's just you and David Jolly?

[Shiva Ari]

Yeah, and his son or something. I don't know. I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We don't partner.

[Shiva Ari]

We don't ask. We don't ask. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. The old David Jolly is gay reference by red band. So stupid. Okay. And you don't know who the third guy is in your place, where you live?

[Shiva Ari]

No, not really.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just keep the interview moving along.

[Shiva Ari]

So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I guess that's normal.

[Ebad Jengda]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys are redoing a half baked episode or something?

[Shiva Ari]

It feels like that. Yeah. It's definitely like. I'm pretty sure nobody's on the lease.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What ethnicity are you exactly?

[Shiva Ari]

I'm Indy. Indian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

From India.

[Shiva Ari]

Yeah. From India, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're a pretty thick Indian.

[Shiva Ari]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're not eating the street food anymore, huh?

[Shiva Ari]

Yeah, the goop soup. Yeah. Yeah. You're the one that came up with that. I don't know if I can come up with that. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sam, what do you think about this guy, Felipe Esparza?

[Sam Morrell]

Yeah, I think I like that joking joke. You finished strong.

[Shiva Ari]

Thanks.

[Sam Morrell]

Yeah, that was right at the buzzer.

[Shiva Ari]

The cat probably helped me out more than the joke itself.

[Sam Morrell]

Yeah, the anticipation.

[Shiva Ari]

Yeah.

[Sam Morrell]

Yeah. You know, I think the. You build a nice little violence against women, chunk, you really might get something going there. Yeah, I don't know. What. What do you think, Chad?

[Chad Daniels]

I think. What happened to your fiance?

[Shiva Ari]

Oh, we just broke up. Yeah. Yeah.

[Chad Daniels]

So she didn't. She didn't die?

[Shiva Ari]

No, not at all. Not at all.

[Chad Daniels]

Well, what the fuck is going on in here?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I keep getting lied to by these guys tonight.

[Chad Daniels]

Okay, why did you. Why did she break up with you? Because you got booed when you play guitar.

[Shiva Ari]

Yes. Yeah. Now, I mean, this was like almost 10 years ago. We were drug addicts together.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what drugs were you on?

[Shiva Ari]

Heroin. That was. That was my. Yeah, it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Sam Morrell]

You were pretty fat for heroin, I gotta say.

[Shiva Ari]

I'm not on it anymore.

[Sam Morrell]

Yeah, like, I miss that part.

[Shiva Ari]

I'll lose the weight when I get the heroin. Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uses the spoon for ice cream. When he's done with it, that hot spoon slices right through.

[Shiva Ari]

He's not. Yeah, I do burn it just to cut right through. I kind of. Towards the bottom. Yeah, absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. So tell us about some of your heroin experiences. Enough of this boring madeup talking about. Let's talk about the real.

[Shiva Ari]

I was sleeping a lot.

[Ebad Jengda]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did you start? I'm always so interested in how one starts. Hurts heroin just. I mean, wacky night. You're like, God, we're out of weed and beer. Let's. Let's. Let's go to the mountaintop.

[Shiva Ari]

Sure, sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How does it happen, you know, like, start, you know.

[Shiva Ari]

Well, I mean, if you want to go way back, you know, the dare program, lying about weed, where then, you know, I started experimenting with weed and like, you know, the 2000s, when it was still bad. And then, you know, when they lied about that, I was like, they must have lied about everything else. They didn't lie about heroin. They didn't. They didn't lie about that one. They were right about that one. But. Yeah, yeah, that's the.

[Sam Morrell]

You should open with right there.

[Cameron Ilig]

That was.

[Sam Morrell]

That's the real.

[Shiva Ari]

Yeah, Yeah, I like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you.

[Shiva Ari]

Thanks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, well, explain to me though, like, where do you buy it? How does it go? Did you have a friend that was doing it?

[Shiva Ari]

You know, the drag right up here on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I'm not asking.

[Shiva Ari]

Okay, okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where you bought it.

[Shiva Ari]

I'm not like, yeah, I can if you want, dude. We can.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But I'm curious, your first time, how does that go down?

[Shiva Ari]

Well, again, like, I was experimenting with drugs and then eventually you just went to that weed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The.

[Shiva Ari]

No, no, like weed then coke and then, you know, ecstasy and then eventually you just, you know, you try a couple Percocets or oxycontin and then. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Shiva Ari]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And how long were you hooked on heroin?

[Shiva Ari]

Oh, like eight, 10 years off and on some of stand up was. There was a little bit of an overlap too. So, yeah, comedy is actually what kind of got me off. Off heroin a little bit.

[Sam Morrell]

Wow.

[Chris Howard]

Damn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you shoot it?

[Shiva Ari]

I mean, I'm an alcoholic now, so it's not like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's not like, did you shoot it up or.

[Shiva Ari]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was heavy. I had to go through drug court here in Austin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you think you did? Rub on heroin?

[Enrique Chacon]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

People could do heroin different ways.

[Shiva Ari]

You can smell it. Yeah, I know what you're talking about.

[Sam Morrell]

Comedy got you off heroin. Prepare to have less money.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, it was a lateral sleep. Now you put them to sleep.

[Shiva Ari]

Nice, nice.

[Cam Patterson]

It was a.

[Shiva Ari]

It was a lateral move, you know, comedy and doing drugs. Because now instead of going, looking for like a ten sack, I'm looking for just a ten minute spot, you know? So bookers are dealers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was playing guitar, going, did you focus more on guitar?

[Benjamin Gray]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

System of a brown. All right, what kind of joke book did you get on New Year's?

[Shiva Ari]

The big one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, there you go, you're doing good. There he goes.

[William Montgomery]

Shiva.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ari. Ladies and gentlemen, back to the bucket. We go. Make some noise for your next comedian. Doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds. This is indeed Chris Howard. Everybody make some noise for Chris. Chris Howard.

[Chris Howard]

How we doing, man? We good, we good. Make some noise. If you got a boss. Where my employees at, make some noise just a little bit. Not so much up here. People in the back. Here's the deal. I feel like no matter what you do, you don't get paid enough for it. Right? You feel me? When I was younger, I was a barista. And there's something I learned. When you work for somebody and you don't get paid a lot, there's a deal you make between you and the company you work for. You know this deal. You don't pay me shit and I fuck around. That's our deal. That's our deal. When I was a barista, I only made drinks based off the way they were named. I remember one dude came up, he was like, hey, man, let me get flat white. I didn't even know he was talking about coffee. I just got Rebecca out the back. I said, this is the only flat white we got. And that was me as a barista just fucking around. Next. Dude, let me get small Vietnamese. She's not in today. Next person. That's my time, man. Y' all been cool? That's all I got. I appreciate you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, shit. Chris Howard, welcome to the show. Incredible. I thought you were Megan Rapaho for a second. When you Got up here. You are one of the funniest Little League female soccer players we've ever had on this show. Unbelievable. It's so great that you could take a break from rooting for Caitlin Clark to be here tonight. Absolutely amazing. If you would have been able to climb a ladder, it probably would have been you taking shots at Trump this weekend. You look like. You look like a bitchy girl, Chad Daniels.

[Sam Morrell]

But you know what? I loved you in Saltburn. I thought you were really good.

[Chad Daniels]

I think every time you enter a room, you should go by order of the mini Peaky fucking Blinders.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is incredible. So let's jump right into it. Chris, this is your first time on the show. I would definitely remember you if you've been on before. How long you been doing stand up?

[Chris Howard]

Since I was 18.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So how old are you now?

[Chris Howard]

24.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

24 years old. And you started at 16?

[Chris Howard]

18.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

18. So you've been doing it six years. How's it going for you?

[Chris Howard]

It's cool.

[Cameron Ilig]

It's cool.

[Chris Howard]

I do, like, a lot of shows by the university and stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Stuff.

[Chris Howard]

So it's. It's cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do a lot of shows at

[Chris Howard]

what, by the university?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

By the university. Texas.

[Cameron Ilig]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. You live here in Austin?

[Chris Howard]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Born and raised here. Well, I mean, you weren't really raised. It seems you're kind of just born. You didn't raise that much. A little. Little baby sound. How tall are you? So the people just listening to the podcast can fathom what we're dealing with here.

[Chris Howard]

Cover your ears. Five, two.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Five, two. I love it. What does it say on your, like, dating profile?

[Chris Howard]

Five, two. I'm on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Honest guy. I like it. And how much do you weigh? I feel like I could throw you up in the balcony in the back right now. Tony.

[Ebad Jengda]

Guess.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Guess. I want to hear you. I'm gonna guess. 103. 94.

[Cam Patterson]

103.

[Chris Howard]

130.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

130. Oh, shit. You got a lot of earrings and jewelry on over here. Unbelievable stuff. This is absolutely incredible. So what do you do for work?

[Chris Howard]

I work in leasing and marketing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Leasing and marketing. What are you doing exactly? Like, houses, Tiny little houses, little sheds. All right, well, what we got here is a little door for a little place. You're gonna love it. Rinse very low, just like me. What are you doing? What kind of leasing are we talking?

[Chris Howard]

Yeah, it's student apartments.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so you work near the un. Everything you do is university based. Wow. And you're mixing in with those college girls that probably think you're one of them. You're just diking out with a bunch of liberal college students. You look like you would eat pussy off a soft serve cone. What's your love life like, Chris? I have a girl. What?

[Chris Howard]

I have a girl.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have a girl?

[Chris Howard]

I do have a girl.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And you guys live together?

[Chris Howard]

We do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. You guys sleep in the same crib. You ain't going anywhere. Yo, is that a lullaby? Yeah. Dude, you got a marionette? Is that what that is? What's the thing that. What? Makes you fall asleep at night, Chris?

[Chris Howard]

I have a starlight projector.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Absolutely adorable. There we go. Yeah, there we go. That's the type of. I think you should be talking about. Do you have material that's self deprecating about your, like, stature and stuff? Six years in the game.

[Chris Howard]

I mean, I. I do have.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

By the way, do we have that scale? Yoni, do we have a scale? Let's grab that scale. I'm not buying. 130. How many you think he weighs? 130 or above. How many you think he weighs? Less than 130. All right, here we go. Bring out the scale. Bring out the scales. Let's fucking go.

[Sam Morrell]

Oh, they're.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They gotta dig for it. They weren't ready for this.

[Sam Morrell]

How sad with this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There it is, ladies and gentlemen, the lovely Heidi. The scale of justice has arrived. Kick off those Adidas's. I know you got lead in those. Here they come. He's taking off. Oh, he's 411 without the shoes on. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. And stepping on the scale. Oh, here we go. Magic's about to happen. He's trying to gain weight with oxygen right now. He's trying to book and blow himself up. This is unbelievable, ladies and gentlemen. So we get it for the podcast. 114 pounds, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God. Oh, I got video ex. You said it. The video I up. Wow. Oh, my God. You got busted, bro.

[Sam Morrell]

We should have been weighing you on a deli scale.

[Enrique Chacon]

That's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Even d. Madness is like. That ain't 130. I can feel him breathing. He ain't 130. How about a hand for the great Heidi? Everybody towering. Absolutely towering over Chris Howard. I love it. Chris, you have a great sense of humor. You're laughing around all these jokes and everything. What do you think? Make you. Made you get into comedy?

[Chris Howard]

So I used to do theater when I was 11.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, when you were what?

[Chris Howard]

11.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And then how tall were you when you were 11? I was 2 foot 5.

[Chris Howard]

I was. Yeah. And Then I saw one of Kevin Hart's specials, and that kind of represented my energy a little bit more.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love that.

[Sam Morrell]

Would you say that physically you look up to Kevin Hart?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What about Jeff Dunham's puppets? You identify as a puppet. Perhaps you're like, I could do this. Look at that puppet on that guy's knee. I could do this. That's adorable. We have a. It's the sound of. Yeah, the sound of him getting squozen by his girlfriend. There it is. Squozen. The fuck am I talking. Talking about up here? Okay, so where'd you meet your girl? Where were you? What playground were you guys at exactly? Twitter. Okay. Twitter. Okay. And she slid into your messages, or you slid into hers?

[Chris Howard]

I slid in hers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And what you say?

[Sam Morrell]

Did you slide or did you walk at your full height?

[Chris Howard]

That's a sure baby crawl. I for sure did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Chris Howard]

No, I. I said Tinder, not Tinder. Twitter. Question of the day, do you have a man's. And if not, would you like one?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. You said mans.

[Chris Howard]

I did I?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you pluralized it and everything like that. Man, I thought squozen was retarded.

[Sam Morrell]

You're like Vanilla Ice Cube.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is incredible. What are some more adorable small guy things about you that we don't know about? Do you drive a car?

[Chris Howard]

No. You said, do I drive a car? Yeah, I sold it for a scooter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, that really did. Yeah, that makes sense. Well, Chris, I gotta tell ya, it was a good set, but, I mean, you are getting the joke book that, I mean, is absolutely fitting, much like your jersey. That set was kind of messy. There you go, my friend. Appreciate it. But I'll tell you what, you're a hell of a mans. There he goes. Chris Howard, everybody.

[William Montgomery]

Thank you, guys.

[Chris Howard]

Y' all have a good night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come back, Chris. Keep signing up. We want to see another minute. We do have a special treat, ladies and gentlemen. Golden ticket winner from many years ago making a return here tonight. Make some noise for one of our adorable favorites, the powerful Enrique Chacon.

[Enrique Chacon]

What's up, y'?

[Cam Patterson]

All?

[Enrique Chacon]

I'm not the same. I'm just illegal, bro. How we doing? How we doing? Fuck, yeah. I think the. The US has an immigration problem. And as an illegal alien, if I have to say that out loud, I think Joe Biden is up. You know, there's 15,000 migrants at the border every single day. Well, actually, it's more like 14,999 since I'm here right now. And, you know, every time I go to the border. I bring my identification, but I'm not really legal yet, so it's just a uno reverse card, you know, just in case. And if you didn't know, man, Texas has no funding for the border. So they're using whatever they have, man. They're literally securing the border with those steel shipping containers. You know, the ones that douchebag white dudes make tiny houses on TikTok. And it's crazy. They got barbed wire fences, razor blades, those big red balls from the show Wipeout.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm talking about if you want to

[Enrique Chacon]

cross the border nowadays, bro. You can't just want to be an American bitch. You got to be an American ninja warrior, dog. Anyways, that's been my time, bro. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly one minute from Enrique Chacone.

[Enrique Chacon]

What's up, y'? All?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. You're the only guy that fucking sweats bullets after 55 seconds. It's incredible.

[Enrique Chacon]

I'm also £130, by the way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Super believable. I love it. Yeah, dude, Enrique, strong minute. Very good. You. But you're. You're what, a second generation.

[Enrique Chacon]

First generation.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

First generation.

[Enrique Chacon]

I got here during 9 11, bro, and I barely spoke English and I didn't know what the was going on, bro, but all these white people were crying around me, man, so I felt it too. I guess I'm just crying Spanish, I guess.

[Sam Morrell]

What does that mean? You got here during 9 11?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What you do? What you jump out of one of the planes?

[Enrique Chacon]

It was like a week before it happened. My family. My family finally migrated, bro. Who, thank God, right?

[Sam Morrell]

Damn. You got in just under the wire.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You.

[Sam Morrell]

You Indiana Jones. That.

[Enrique Chacon]

Yeah. Yeah, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. That is incredible. They. They were. Yeah. That's wild. One of the last brown people to make it in. Incredible. What are you wiping your face face with? What is that?

[Enrique Chacon]

Literally towels from the restroom, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Those are legit brown hand wiping paper towels you have chosen use as a handkerchief here tonight.

[Enrique Chacon]

Yeah, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible.

[Enrique Chacon]

Yeah, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Even the things you wipe yourself with are brown. Enrique, what's been going on in life? Tell us about it.

[Enrique Chacon]

Pretty good, man. Ever since I quit my job, I'm finally on the road, bro. So I've been making some road money, which is been supplementing the shit that I was doing when I was working at Buc ee's, you know, so it's been.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What happened at Buc ee's? You resigned from Buc ee's?

[Enrique Chacon]

I ran out of pto like I said last episode, so I had to fucking dip out, man. Cause I was missing on a few gigs, bro. And I just. I didn't feel like I hadn't had enough time to write, you know, and really take this shit seriously. So now I'm in the road, man. I've been. I hit six states already, man. I hit New Jersey, South Carolina, North Carolina, Arizona. I was there with Martin Phillips where I was his caretaker, you know what I'm saying? Walking around with him. And then also, I just hit Miss Suri with Hans Kim. So. Okay, he's been hitting the round.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's been destroying lately. Yeah, I've been hearing all about it. Enrique's longer sets going really well, which. It's incredible.

[Enrique Chacon]

Yeah. I appreciate you. Thank you, man. It's. It's the dream, bro. It's. It's really the dream. Comedy is the only thing supplementing me, man. Like, I'm not going to lie, bro. June was a little rough with the money, dude. So I was eating a bunch of peanut butter sandwiches, dog.

[Cam Patterson]

You know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So when you say you were eating peanut butter sandwiches, how many exactly did you eat?

[Enrique Chacon]

Literally a whole bread loaf a day. You know what I mean?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A whole loaf a day.

[Enrique Chacon]

Keep the sugar level up, all right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. What else do you do to sustain your incredible weight? We can give some good advice to Chris Howard.

[Enrique Chacon]

You wake up early, you hit the Chinese buffet, right? So you can get some breakfast and lunch, dude. You just sit down at that, bro. Dude, I drink some of my goats milk, bro. I have a few goats. I milk them bitches, dude. Make some.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have real goats?

[Enrique Chacon]

Yeah, I have some real ass goats, bro, at home, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Enrique Chacon]

So I diy some goat cheese, bro. I'll be selling some in the lobby after this if y' all want to buy some. Hey, I'm trying to supplement some money, dude.

[Sam Morrell]

My day comics were showing CDs after the show.

[Benjamin Gray]

This is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Comedy's going great.

[Chad Daniels]

I've been to six states and I'm selling goat milk.

[Enrique Chacon]

Yeah.

[Chad Daniels]

I have a question for you. When you were in Arizona with Martin, who was driving?

[Enrique Chacon]

He was totally driving. He wanted to prove himself, bro. And, yeah, we got pulled over.

[Sam Morrell]

Who does the talking in that situation?

[Enrique Chacon]

You know, Lingla,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Well, you're doing fantastic. We love you here. You're a golden ticket winner. So come check in again with your next minute.

[Enrique Chacon]

Yeah. Thank you, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes. Enrique Chacone, ladies and gentlemen. We're gonna keep it moving here. The Mexicans, when you. They love the other Mexicans, they get their own special songs now. We're gonna keep it moving to another bucket pool. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Rose Highland, everybody. Rose Highland. Hi, guys.

[Rose Highland]

I'm from England and I. I recently did my citizenship test. I got 82% wrong. But it was hard, you know, because I had to take a written test and the Mexicans get to just do an obstacle course. Like, that's, that's way I could do that. You know, I'm agile, like, and they got me on the first question, you know, the first question was name two nationally celebrated U.S. holidays, right? So I'm like, okay, Christmas. No, that's Christianity. So I just said 9, 11.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And.

[Rose Highland]

But it was like, I thought you had a day off for that. I swear to God, like something crazy like that happens and you don't get to go paddleboarding. I like, I don't, I don't get it. I thought the questions would be like a bit more American, you know, like, what's the difference between an AR15 and an AK47? You know, obviously one of for children, I would have got that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck yeah. Rose Highland. Welcome to the show. Very fun. Welcome to the greatest country on planet Earth. The United States of America. How's life going, Rose?

[Rose Highland]

Yeah, it's good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You come here often to America?

[Rose Highland]

I actually live here now at the moment.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, nice. Where do you live?

[Rose Highland]

In Hyde Park.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, here in Austin?

[Rose Highland]

Yeah, yeah, no, like, yeah, in Austin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you been here?

[Rose Highland]

I've been in America five years and then in Austin, like two years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, cool.

[Rose Highland]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. What made you pick Austin?

[Rose Highland]

My friend moved here. I lived in Boston and she moved here and I came to see her and I just like, didn't leave.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's comedy too.

[Rose Highland]

No, no, she was just out here normal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Rose, you look like you do roller derby. Do you do roller derby at all?

[Benjamin Gray]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, go ahead.

[Sam Morrell]

I feel like the voice doesn't match the fucking.

[Benjamin Gray]

Look at all.

[Rose Highland]

What do you want me to sound like?

[Sam Morrell]

Oh, no, it's just you sound so posh and then you look like you beat the shit out of me.

[Benjamin Gray]

Oh, I love.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. So what type of English habits do you still have have here in America? What, what do you do? Do you have like a bunch of toast for breakfast or something?

[Rose Highland]

I mean, I'll drink tea till the day I die.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right?

[Rose Highland]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What else?

[Rose Highland]

English wise? I don't think we even have traditions. Like all our food is so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. What do you do for fun, Rose?

[Rose Highland]

I'm in a band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you really in a band?

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What type of band is it?

[Rose Highland]

We're grunge.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Grunge.

[Rose Highland]

Like 90s.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do in the band?

[Rose Highland]

I play bass and sing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You play bass and sing? Really? Yeah. You want to grab the bass guitar? Play something for us? Just do it. Yeah, grab the bass guitar. She stood there looking at me like. I'm like, here we go. Oh, you're not very good at bass. Here comes the truth, ladies and gentlemen. The truth is coming out. Well, we have a blind guy that plays, so figure it out.

[Sam Morrell]

Is this about to be the 100, 130 pound lie right here?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Step up. Step. Step back up to that microphone over there. It's gonna be fine. It's gonna be fine. Everything's okay? Yep. You're gonna sing as well.

[Rose Highland]

Okay. All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You want to say that you're in a band, that you play bass and sing. You're gonna play bass and sing. Okay. The band will follow along. Oh, D. Grab a seat. You're gonna be just fine. We have a. There's a. There's a. There's a British chick playing your bass for a second.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. You're gonna be fine. This is the part of the show where it's like a little talent show, so play us something. 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4.

[Rose Highland]

I am.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dull eyes,

[Rose Highland]

dull mouth. Do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, all right. I'm gonna stop you there. Give it back to the blind guy. We've had a blind bass player. I didn't realize you're a deaf bass player. That's incredible. Guys, what do we think about that performance?

[Sam Morrell]

I thought you got a couple quick laughs in comedy, but that was way cooler. Holy.

[Chad Daniels]

And your look finally matches what you were doing.

[Rose Highland]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it makes sense. What's the name of your band?

[Rose Highland]

We're called Sunspot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sunspite.

[Rose Highland]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're called Sunspite. Top of the morning to you. We're called Sunspite. Come see us live at o'. Malley's. A Courtney Love song.

[Ebad Jengda]

That's how Courtney sang it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sounds like cats. Are you the lead singer of the band?

[Rose Highland]

Yeah, but it's a grunge band, so

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't have to sing. Everybody in the audience is just. They don't give a. They're like, oh, it's mosh or something. Let's run into each other.

[Rose Highland]

I don't need to be good at it, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They don't use Q tips. Grunge fans. It doesn't matter what it sounds like. Okay. What else are you into, Rose?

[Rose Highland]

I paint. I'm just a creative. I think I just do. Pretty much just Creative stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very good, very good. What's your love life like? What was that noise?

[Rose Highland]

I'm on a visa that's tied to a husband.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my goodness. So I love it. Okay.

[Sam Morrell]

She doesn't love him. It sounds like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sounds like it's very transactional.

[Rose Highland]

I'm not sure what I'm allowed to say.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what?

[Rose Highland]

I don't know what I'm allowed to say.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yoel, it's okay. If anything bad happens with your husband, we have a guy with full blown cerebral palsy that knows how to drive that would love to marry you. You have backup plan? Plans now that you're in the Kill Tony universe.

[Rose Highland]

Nice Sunspite.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys play a lot. When's your next show?

[Rose Highland]

Yeah, we're playing this weekend, but we're recording stuff at the moment, so not doing too many shows.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very cool, Very cool. And comedy's going good?

[Rose Highland]

Yeah, it's been really, really fun. Really good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, well, Rose, thank you so much. Here is a. A big, a big joke book for your courage for playing bass and thank you. Welcome to America. What are you saying? Well, wait a second. Hold on. Rose, come back. Rose, come back. Step up to the microphone. Is your husband a comedian? No. Okay, yeah, see, I think we should ignore the thing that I've been getting.

[Rose Highland]

My boyfriend is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your boyfriend is right. That's what we've. I've been told that your boyfriend was pulled out of the bucket next. Coincidentally. Can I tell you something absolutely insane because this happened a couple weeks ago and our producers know all the. The tea around this city so they know who's who. Wow. So your boyfriend is next?

[Rose Highland]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Did you just see him when you went back? Yes. Yeah. Does he know you have a husband?

[Jack Horner]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, very good. I go J. Fox that day. Do you fuck the husband sometimes?

[William Montgomery]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. Okay. I had a finger.

[Sam Morrell]

Does your husband know you're fucking an open Micah?

[Rose Highland]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my goodness. Well. Well, you have about two or three weeks to figure it out.

[Rose Highland]

Yeah, divorce is gonna be great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Be perfect. You know what, Here's a joke book for your future ex husband too. Take one of those. Maybe that'll girl make them happy. Make some noise for Rose Highland, everybody. There she goes. Future resident of England, Rose Highland, ladies and gentlemen.

[Sam Morrell]

Yeah, there's gonna be a suicide note in a Kill Tony book.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She was the love of my life. Oh, wait, no, he wouldn't have an English accent. All right, make some noise for her boyfriend and a comedian. Cameron Ilig, everybody. Oh, we know Cameron. All right.

[Cameron Ilig]

Oh man, this is the worst all right. Worst nights ever happened to me.

[Jack Horner]

All right?

[Cameron Ilig]

But no, I don't know. I don't know. I went skiing. I'm just trying to remember happier moments in my life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right,

[Cameron Ilig]

All right, listen up.

[Sam Morrell]

All right,

[Cameron Ilig]

I went, I went skiing last year. I realized I like skiing. It's my favorite. I, I, it's the whitest sport ever. It's made by white people for white people, like Costco. All right? I figured it out. You could tell how white it is by the way they've ranked the slopes on the mountain like it. The ranking goes least dangerous to most dangerous. It's a color coded system. There must have been a meeting between four white guys. They were like, all right, we got green and blue figured out, Michael, what's the most dangerous color you can think of?

[Chris Howard]

You know for sure?

[Cam Patterson]

Black.

[Cameron Ilig]

I think black's the scariest. Goddamn, Michael. All right, well, what's scarier than black? Double black. I think that's, that's way scarier. Tell somebody where you're going. Thank you, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cameron Ilig, ladies and gentlemen. I gotta tell you, Cameron, I fucking love it. One of my favorite things that happened, happens on this show, just happened, which is when someone that's been on this show before, numerous times, hasn't been on for a while, gets pulled out of the bucket. And your experience and your true comedy, you as a comedian just shined completely, 30 seconds worth of laughter on acknowledging the situation before you. You just being honest and in the moment, flowing from what happened before you calling it out, using it to your advantage. The very amateur decision there would have been, I gotta change the vibe. I gotta get into this material. Run and get into it as fast as I can. Make them forget about me being the boyfriend of the girl that was on. And instead you took your time, you absorbed the situation, used it to your advantage. A little comedy, jiu jitsu. Took your time, went into a great joke, and then that was it.

[Benjamin Gray]

Yeah.

[Cameron Ilig]

Now if I could just make her forget about her husband, that'd be.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, let's jump right into that. We'll talk about, we'll talk about skiing later. The joke was great, but let's talk about life. How long you been, how long you been dipping into the old tea and crumpets over there?

[Cameron Ilig]

A year now almost.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. Oh, my God. Look at that.

[Sam Morrell]

Is the husband dying or something? What's going on?

[Cameron Ilig]

We hope, I think I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. I hope I don't get killed.

[Enrique Chacon]

Is really.

[Chad Daniels]

What are you gonna do with the last three weeks of your life?

[Cameron Ilig]

The same Thing.

[Chad Daniels]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you know what. Do you know what this guy looks like? Have you kind. You must have, like, done a little scouting, a little research.

[Cameron Ilig]

No, I haven't. I know that he came and saw me one time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you know that you came

[Sam Morrell]

and saw his wife?

[Chad Daniels]

You said came inside his wife.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I. Yeah.

[Cameron Ilig]

I don't. I think he's like a. Just like a Taller than me a little bit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I bet you would know that. All right, so it's not Chris Howard. Okay, so he's taller than you. What does he do for work?

[Cameron Ilig]

I think he's like tech sales guy, something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love that you say. You think, like, he's like, you know, pounding the. Out of his wife every day. Yeah.

[Cameron Ilig]

I mean, but it's like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's incredible. And so he went to see her at his show and you were on it.

[Cameron Ilig]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And she's like. Just to let you know my husband's out there. Right. You ever get sick of her accent?

[Cameron Ilig]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[Cameron Ilig]

No, it's really hot. I think it's hot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, totally.

[Cameron Ilig]

I mean, it's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it's great.

[Sam Morrell]

Is the accent worth dying for, though, is the question? Cause this could get ugly for you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You.

[Cameron Ilig]

I don't know if it's worth dying for, to be honest.

[Sam Morrell]

I didn't mean to make it that dark. So I was. I was trying to be playful.

[Cameron Ilig]

I was going for that.

[Sam Morrell]

Yeah, you got contemplative as there. That was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're gonna be the first American killed because of England since 1776. Do you believe she hasn't had sex with him before?

[Cameron Ilig]

Before?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I mean, he's obviously.

[Cameron Ilig]

Yeah, before I would have met Red Band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus Christ, Price.

[Cameron Ilig]

Not the past year, I don't think how.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But when do you think the last time she's had sex with him is.

[Cameron Ilig]

They've been separated for like three years or something. Two years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They. They what?

[Cameron Ilig]

Separated for like three years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. Yeah. But he's been to one of your shows in the past year. Yeah, so?

[Cameron Ilig]

So, I don't know, uh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, look out.

[Cameron Ilig]

I mean, why don't you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Cameron Ilig]

No, never mind.

[Sam Morrell]

Come on, say it.

[Cameron Ilig]

Amazing once you go, what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, so, Cameron, let's talk about it.

[Sam Morrell]

Sounds like you're the scariest color on the slope.

[Cameron Ilig]

Well, it's more like a Taekwondo thing where I'm the white belt least scary.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, all right. So, Cameron, how's life been going? Tell us about it. What else is going on when you're not banging Brits and talking shits? What's going on?

[Cameron Ilig]

It's good. I'm graduating, so that's fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're graduating from what?

[Cameron Ilig]

From college.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what a degree?

[Cameron Ilig]

Data analytics. It's masters, but whatever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Don't whatever again.

[Cameron Ilig]

I drive a truck of ice, so I'm never gonna use it, but.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You drive a truck filled with ice?

[Cameron Ilig]

Yeah, that's my job now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. My God.

[Sam Morrell]

How many.

[Chad Daniels]

How many pieces of ice in a truck?

[Cameron Ilig]

How many pieces of ice?

[Chad Daniels]

Yeah, you're in data analytics. Fucking tell me. How many pieces of ice are in the truck, Cameron.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, Cameron.

[Cam Patterson]

I don't.

[Jack Horner]

Fuck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is it a lot of ice?

[Cameron Ilig]

It's a whole lot of ice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And sometimes you're in the back of the truck. Just you in the ice.

[Cameron Ilig]

Yeah, I gotta do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's almost as cold as fucking another man's wife. Ooh. Ooh, what a noise the audience. Audience just made. Ooh,

[Cameron Ilig]

I feel like I. He lost. He lost his right, you know? Three years, that's a long time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Totally.

[Cameron Ilig]

It's free game. I'm putting the tea bag in the Boston Harbor. You know, like I'm.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you're. You're teabagging something, that's for sure. I love it. Cameron. Comedy's going good.

[Cameron Ilig]

Yeah, it's going great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cameron Ilig]

Just. Just doing it here and going on the road a little bit, but not too much, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. And you are old school friends with the great Cam Patterson. You guys started together in. In Orlando, right?

[Cameron Ilig]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, he started before me and then I came and did Orlando mics.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys like came together or something, right? Yeah, I remember this.

[Cameron Ilig]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cameron Ilig]

Basically he moved here and then he lived with me and then we came here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are famously known around the mothership as White Cam. For those of you that don't know which is everybody.

[Cameron Ilig]

It's not just the mothership anymore. It's. It's every time I'm ever with him anywhere, it's White camp.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're White Cam.

[Cameron Ilig]

Yeah, yeah, and I'm crap. But

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

absolutely. Well, great stuff. I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday if you can. There you go.

[Cameron Ilig]

Thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Booked on a show. There he goes. Cameron. Ilig. White Cam.

[Sam Morrell]

I think he'll be perfect cuz he knows how to keep a secret.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, no doubt about it. He's been running a secret show in between Rose's legs for a while. Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for Not White Cam, but indeed Black Cam. Super, superstar, goddamn legend. Here he is with a new minute. This is Cam Patterson, everybody.

[Cam Patterson]

I used to listen to them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's pretty cool.

[Cam Patterson]

I did ear on the wall, nigga. She smelled like a British bitch. It's pretty cool, dog. I really enjoyed that pretty quick though. I tell you that much. I was recently in Phoenix, Arizona, and that place is hotter than here. Like, even if somebody tried to fight me in Phoenix, I would just get their ass an Indian burn. Cause there's no point to fight your ass. You gonna feel this heat. You feel what I'm saying? And it's weird. Cause they had like the prettiest women I've ever seen in my life. Like it was crazy. Like, I've never seen so pretty. I've never seen pretty women, like ever, dog. And I thought to myself, why is there so much pretty women in such a hot ass place? But then I was like, if I was God and I put the prettiest women in one place, I turned the heat up. Take your clothes off. I'll tell you that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're an absolute genius, dude. I guess that was such a freaky ass genius. That is hilarious, Cam. Absolutely destroying. You did it again with another new minute. You're also super viral right now. You did a material about the Trump shooting right after it happened that night. Had it recorded, had it out that night or the. The next morning.

[Chris Howard]

Yeah.

[Jack Horner]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And everybody everywhere. Millions and millions and millions and millions of views that were crazy. Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

I was kind of mad. Like I should use this as a minute, but it out there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't. And I. I love that though. You're. You're putting such a crazy. You have such an insane work ethic. And our thing is so crazy. Me and yours, that I communicate with your dad more than I talk to my own dad. They like talk about you and stuff. It's a weir weird life.

[Cam Patterson]

I call you every day. He's like, I'm just gonna call Tony.

[Chris Howard]

You.

[Cam Patterson]

He only talk to me no more.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, no, I know.

[Cam Patterson]

He don't even call me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know. We're running a whole goddamn operation over here. We're like a. We're like an agent and a father of an NFL running back or something like that. Like, it's like, what's the best thing we could do for him today? We don't want him using his brain at all. How do we make money off of it? It is incredible. You're a goddamn machine. And I. I gotta tell you, man, you know, the thing happened and I see the clip on my own Twitter. Like, not tagged like it's just, like, organically there. And I'm like, holy, It's Cam. Let me see what he did. And it's a minute and a half of you crushing that night. Had to be less than an hour or two after the shooting itself.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, no, he got shot. And then my dog was like, but Trump got shot. Like, that's crazy. And then I. I just was like, I'm gonna talk about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

And that was cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

That was the whole thing. I don't know if y' all wanted something more than that. That was the whole situation.

[Sam Morrell]

Isn't it. Isn't it kind of funny that there's an assassination attempt on a former president and all of us are like, we gotta do something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Not.

[Sam Morrell]

Not, you know, just write a joke.

[Martin Phillips]

That's it.

[Sam Morrell]

Yeah, I'm the same way. I posted. I'm like, fuck, I should have saved it. I should have saved it for this,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

and it's just amazing. And, you know your work ethic from having to write and perform a minute every single week. I. You know, it's what gets you there. Being able to kick out a minute and a half like that. I was very proud to see it, you know, organically pop up. You're killing it. What else is going on? Cam, I.

[Cam Patterson]

Speaking of my pops, I recently bought my pops a new car.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You buy your dad a new car?

[Cam Patterson]

Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. That is the. Make some noise. That is the blackest thing of the night.

[Cam Patterson]

What the is that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what that sound means, everybody? I don't know.

[Cam Patterson]

Nah, I bought him. I bought him a 2008 Nissan cameras.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

2008? Oh, that's hilarious. I could buy everyone in this crowd that car. Give me the car. You get a car, you get a 2008. You get a 2008. You get a2008.

[Matt Taylor]

8.

[Benjamin Gray]

Un.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Believable.

[Cam Patterson]

That's what he want.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I wouldn't want.

[Cam Patterson]

That's what he asked for.

[Sam Morrell]

That was a year.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I got to the house, he said,

[Cam Patterson]

hey, man, I want a 2008 Nissan camera. I said, let's do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Dad, I'm gonna make your dreams come true.

[Cam Patterson]

That what you want, brother?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let make it happen.

[Shiva Ari]

Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that what he wanted. Any rims? Any. Any additions? Any n. That ain't got no tent.

[Cam Patterson]

He riding a fishbowl.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, Nothing. Unbelievable to think that when his toenails hit that gas pedal, His dad's feet are out of control. You got to kind of see it to believe it.

[Cam Patterson]

I'm going take a picture one day, and Put it on my store.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, please. Oh my God. Please tag me in that horrible feet. You're not gonna believe it when you see it, folks. I roast. I've been roasting his father's feet all around the country. Yeah, all around. He wears sandals. He just lets me. He just serves it up on a platter for me.

[Cam Patterson]

With no lotion either. He don't put no ocean on them. Just scrape. Just ashy ass feet. That's it. No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. He leaves footprints everywhere he goes. It looks like someone's been walking in salt. It's his nails. Like the Guinness Book of World Records. Like the old lady with the crazy long nails. You know what I'm talking about? The Guinness Book of Rare Worlds record.

[Sam Morrell]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very good. Thank you. Thank you for your many contributions, Red band. Anything else crazy going on, Cam?

[Cam Patterson]

I know I got a funny thing about you, Chad.

[Chad Daniels]

Hello.

[Cam Patterson]

The first time I ever. That was scary.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you know that?

[Cam Patterson]

That's something about you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hello.

[Cam Patterson]

Speak, black man. Tell me what you know. The first time I met you, I brought you up in little boy and had like the worst set of my life that I had to bring you on stage. And then the new running joke is that you my arch nemesis. Because I was like, how the fuck you had to just sit there and watch me bomb for 15 minutes. I had to bring you up and then it was just. That's it. That's the whole story. I thought it was gonna be way cooler than that. It wasn't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They hated it.

[Cam Patterson]

I don't like telling it no more. Let's move on, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It happens. It happens. Chad had a great set.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, he murdered. He destroyed. I just went. I went back and contemplated suicide for a couple days.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it was bad. It was sad. Good thing you don't know how to tie a knot.

[Cam Patterson]

I don't need tie my shoes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cam, you're a freak. You're everything that this show is about. Work ethic, performance, being in the moment, staying in the pocket and executing. I love it. I love you, Cam Patterson, everybody. There he goes. Cam's the man. Fun, chill, positive, works hard. Great guy. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? I mean, isn't she just the best? All right, we have another bucket pole. We're going to meet them all together. Make some noise for Benjamin Gray. Benjamin Gray. Oh, okay. Yeah, we know. Benjamin.

[Benjamin Gray]

How's it going? Nice to see you again. I'm back. My wife's excited. She saw this new thigh cream. It's so she could lose weight in her thighs. Funny thing Is. Ever since she's been losing it, I've been losing weight in my face. Her thighs look the same. I don't know what's going on with that. She also heard that you could test a battery to see if it has any juice in it by touching your tongue to it. Not only did she almost get electrocuted, but when the hood fell down, she almost broke her freaking neck. What the fuck? She's a trip, my wife. I. Yeah, I. I knew I was too high when I tried to light a match with a joint this morning. Can't do that. Doesn't work. I thought I timed it to a minute.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ra. Totally different cat there. We have Deep Madness playing the bass in year 67 seconds. I think everyone was ready for you to be done, Benjamin.

[Benjamin Gray]

Yeah. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A. It's a very emotional crowd of here tonight. Welcome to Austin, Texas, you flaming homosexuals. Benjamin. Is your name Benjamin?

[Benjamin Gray]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you say I'm Nick when you first started? Hi, I'm Nick.

[Benjamin Gray]

No. Why would I say that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what I was wondering. That's what I heard.

[Benjamin Gray]

Ben. What? I'm Ben.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you said Ben. Okay. I thought. All right. How are you?

[Benjamin Gray]

I'm good, I'm good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old are you?

[Benjamin Gray]

I'm 73.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God, you're adorable.

[Benjamin Gray]

Yeah. Never give up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And how long you been doing comedy?

[Benjamin Gray]

Probably about 14 years altogether. But I haven't been on stage since 2010 until about a month ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Until a month ago, when you were on this show? Yeah, right.

[Benjamin Gray]

About two weeks ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I remember it. I would not forget you. You. Yeah.

[Benjamin Gray]

You remember?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I remember.

[Benjamin Gray]

Richie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Benjamin Gray]

Richie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Richie.

[Benjamin Gray]

Richie Ramirez.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Richie Ramirez.

[Benjamin Gray]

That's right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You had. You done drugs with Richard Ramirez.

[Benjamin Gray]

That's right.

[Sam Morrell]

That's a night stalker. Richard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sam Morrell]

Did you just call him Richie?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sam Morrell]

You might know my pal Teddy Bundy. Good guy.

[Benjamin Gray]

He.

[Sam Morrell]

You. You have a nickname for the night star.

[Benjamin Gray]

Yeah, his name was Richie. I didn't know he was a Nightstalker when I first met him.

[Sam Morrell]

I figured, yeah.

[Cameron Ilig]

Yeah.

[Benjamin Gray]

I saw him on tv, on the news. And my girlfriend's like, oh, my God, Richie's on the news. I'm going, what? What the fuck? And I saw these people chasing him down some street in la. I'm like, run, Richie, run. What the hell did you do? Then I see Night Stalker caption and went, holy Nightstalker. Good thing we only saw him during the day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable. 73 years of life experience to draw from. Here he is.

[Sam Morrell]

It is amazing that someone saw Richard Ramirez running from the Cops. And he was like, you can get away, man.

[Benjamin Gray]

Yeah. I didn't know what was going on, but he was weird. He was a weird dude. He had a pentagram.

[Sam Morrell]

No, he was not a great dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Great dude.

[Sam Morrell]

He was objectively not a great dude. Let's.

[Benjamin Gray]

Oh, no, no, no, no.

[Sam Morrell]

He murdered a lot of people.

[Benjamin Gray]

Bad boy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We kind of.

[Sam Morrell]

He might have been a good hang, but he was not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Kind of talked about your Richard Ramirez stuff last time you were on. You got a month to think about your appearance. Last appearance on the show. What else about your life can you tell US that's interesting? 73 years on the planet.

[Benjamin Gray]

Yeah. I told you. I used to get high with Grizzly Man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

With who?

[Benjamin Gray]

Jimmy Treadwell.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And who's that again? Remind us.

[Benjamin Gray]

Yeah, the guy that got eaten alive by the beer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. And we up. We talked about that. I'm remembering now. Rogan was the guest that night.

[Benjamin Gray]

Yes, he was. Yeah. Joe liked that, but I could tell his eyes.

[Sam Morrell]

That was a great documentary right there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sam Morrell]

It feels like you. Do you do drugs with anyone who. Something horrible didn't happen around them or.

[Benjamin Gray]

No. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Old Timmy McVey and.

[Benjamin Gray]

Oh, yeah.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Sam Morrell]

This guy used to blow lines with a unibomber.

[Benjamin Gray]

No, no, I'm. I'm a. I'm a peaceful guy. I'm nonviolent.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. But what else? What. What about. What about your life? Haven't we talked about the last.

[Benjamin Gray]

I did. I did some movie work. I was in a movie with Clint Eastwood. I was in Rocky 2 with Sylvester Stallone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What'd you do in Rocky, too?

[Benjamin Gray]

I beat the. Out of Stallone alone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In the movie?

[Benjamin Gray]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What part of the movie?

[Benjamin Gray]

I didn't do that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, what a great prank.

[Benjamin Gray]

I can't believe you believed me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What a great prank. What did you do in Rocky 2?

[Benjamin Gray]

Extra. I was a background.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[Benjamin Gray]

And all of those things. I never had any lines.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, that's different.

[Benjamin Gray]

I had a line in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What else? What else about your life. What's the coolest thing you've ever done in the bedroom with, like, a woman or something? Coolest accomplishment of your sexual life. 73 years on the planet. Minute. Let's talk about.

[Benjamin Gray]

You know, I'm not supposed to talk about drugs because my sister gets pissed off at me, but to hell with that, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What? Drugs or. I brought up your greatest sexual experience of your life. You bring up your sister.

[Benjamin Gray]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so go ahead, because she's saying,

[Benjamin Gray]

why do you got to talk about drugs in your act? All my Friends are going to see this and they're going to know you're a drug addict. It's like, well, what can I do? I was what I was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, who the gives a. What your do nothing sister thinks.

[Benjamin Gray]

Yeah, yeah, that's. What.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old is that?

[Sam Morrell]

She's.

[Benjamin Gray]

She's 70. Me too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell her to get off the Internet. Tell her to go read the newspaper. I don't give a. About your sister. You're on a show with millions of people watching. Answer my goddamn questions.

[Benjamin Gray]

That's what the. That's what the guy backstage said last year. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, dumbass.

[Benjamin Gray]

Okay?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't care how old you are. I don't respect my elders. Benjamin, answer my question. Give us something about your life other than kicking it with the Night Stalker and Timmy Treadwell or whatever the. Okay, we talked about that. Your last dinner.

[Benjamin Gray]

You want to hear about my first armed robbery?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Benjamin Gray]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There we go. Let's go.

[Benjamin Gray]

I was trying to avoid that, but it's kind of a long story, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's go.

[Benjamin Gray]

Okay. I was going to art school. I was on my way to school and these two friends of mine, we were 19 years old, they were waiting for me outside my driveway and they said I used to work at a gas station and they knew I knew how to hotwire cars because I used to steal cars from my friends. And they would, you know, get insurance money. They'd let me drive their GTO for a few weeks. And so they knew I knew how to hot wire cars. So they were waiting for me. I'm going, wait, what the fuck are you guys doing out in front of my house at 8 o' clock in the morning? And they're going, we're going to go rob this meat packing place and we need you to hot wire a car for us. And I was like, I gotta go to school. I'm going to. I have an art class. And they said, no, no, we need the money. And I was a junkie. I was a dope fiend. And I was going, I could use the money. And I'm like, okay, look at. I'll hot wire the car for you. But then I got to go. I got to go into Boston. So I go hotwire the car for them. We're driving around and then I turn, I was taking them to the meat packing plant. They sell big sides of beef to restaurants for cash only. So they had a lot of cash. And this one guy used to work there, so he knew where the cash was. He said, there's money in the Register. But there's a cash box with a lot of money under the register. Make sure you ask for that. So we get there and by now, they talked me into being the getaway driver. So I said, okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was that last part?

[Benjamin Gray]

They talked me into being the driver, the getaway driver.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Keep your mouth right next to the tip of that.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Don't cover it up that you move around a lot. Okay, keep going.

[Benjamin Gray]

Okay. So anyway, now they had me as the getaway driver. I said, okay, I'll drive the car. You guys go in. And Robert says, I can't go in because they know me. I used to work here. And Alan, the guy that was going to go in, had the gun. And as we were driving there, he was rehearsing in the back seat. And he has a lateral lisp. And he was going, stick him up, stick him up, stick him up. I'm looking in the mirror going, ah, shit. They're gonna laugh at this fucking kid. I said, allen, say something else. Don't say, stick him up. See, he goes, okay, reach, reach, reach. Oh, man. I said, robbie, you gotta go in. He can't fucking talk. He goes, I can't go in. They know me. And then they decided to cancel it. Like, forget it. We're not going to do it. I'm like, I already missed my class. We're robbing this place. What do you mean you're not going to do it? So I had to take control. I said, robert, you get behind the wheel. Keep the fucking engine running. Okay, Alan, you go in there. If there's a lot of people in there, right? Like women with baby carriages and like that, come out, stand in front of the store and cross your arms, and I'll know not to go in. I'll wait.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So he goes, now all of a sudden, you're running this operation? Yeah. Okay, keep going.

[Benjamin Gray]

They were dumbbells, both of them. After that, I did it alone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay?

[Benjamin Gray]

I never went.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Keep going. Don't let me take your focus away. You're doing great.

[Benjamin Gray]

Yeah, I had.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable. I don't care if the story lasts three more hours. You're going, buddy.

[Benjamin Gray]

So Alan goes in. I wait 10 minutes, he doesn't come out. I figure, okay, the coast is clear. So I go in. I had a ski mask on, what was a hat that turned into a ski mask? And I had the gun before I went in. I said, shit, I better take the bullets out of the gun. What if one of those bushes tries to take the gun away from me and I shoot someone?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

1.

[Benjamin Gray]

I'm not a killer, I'm just a robber, right? I didn't want to hurt anybody, right? So I'm going in, I put the ski mask down, I take the gun out, I go in and I don't know what I was going to say, but this came out of my mouth. This is a robbery. Let's not make it a fucking murder. That's an original line. I go in and there's a lady with a baby carriage. All kinds of people in there keep going. And Alan, Alan, the guy who's supposed to come out, has a fudge sickle in his hand. And he, he puts his hands up with everybody else. He acts like he know me, You. And he's standing there, fudge sickles dripping off his elbow. Cuz he's like this, like this. And then I realized I'm standing in there, it's daytime and there's a big picture window and all these apartments, buildings across the street. And people could see me robbing the store. So I had to like get behind the potato chips. And I told everybody, I told everybody, move that way.

[William Montgomery]

And they did.

[Benjamin Gray]

Everybody, they kind of remind me of Casey Rocket a little bit. That guy's funny. He cracks me up. Anyway, so, so I said Alan was supposed to spotlight. Alan was supposed to go get the money from the guy. But he didn't, he acted like he didn't know me. So the guy gives me the money, I get the money, I put it in the bag and I said, I need the money in the box under the counter. And they all look at each other like, oh, inside job. And he got that money, I got it. I run out. As I'm running out, I hear Alan behind me saying, I'll stop him, I'll stop him. He's saying that like he's chasing me and the butcher's behind him. Like I can't get him, kid, get him. So I fucking go to get in the back seat and our getaway driver is in the back seat on the floor, he's all crouched, he's freaking out. Did you do it? Did you do it, you fucking asshole? He's supposed to be behind the wheel. Oh my God. So I had to get behind the wheel. Alan's running, trying to get in the car. I'm driving away, I don't want to leave him there. So I had to stop. And while we were robbing the store, I stole a car that didn't have snow tires. And it started snowing while I was in there. And it was a little incline and I'm going to.

[Cam Patterson]

You show.

[Benjamin Gray]

The. The. There's like three bushes behind me in the street. They're like, get him. And I look up and there's a black and white cruiser coming around the corner. And I'm going, oh, man, we're going to jail. I'm going to miss my whole class. My figure drawing class, my nude painting class, my favorite class. I used to get nude in that class sometimes. I got in trouble for that. Anyway, we hit a dry patch and the wheels caught, and I was able to go past the cruiser. As I'm looking in the mirror, I see the butchers telling the cops and pointing at me, that fucking guy just robbed us. And they chased us around and we lost them. And that was it.

[William Montgomery]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, look at that. At this reaction from the audience.

[Benjamin Gray]

I appreciate that. You guys are.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I couldn't get this guy to answer a fucking question eight minutes ago. Hey, over here. Michael. Sit the fuck down. An unbelievable, fucking unbelievable story. First of all, let me tell you this. Your sister's going to be pissed.

[Benjamin Gray]

She's gonna want your number.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. From a rotary phone.

[Benjamin Gray]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sam.

[Benjamin Gray]

Oh, dude.

[Sam Morrell]

You lived your life in the movie Heat and you open with other material.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's insane.

[Benjamin Gray]

Say that again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's okay. It's okay.

[Sam Morrell]

It's always weird when bank robbers go old.

[Benjamin Gray]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. We are in overtime. In your interview, you unfortunately, or actually, fortunately for us, there is no actual limits. So I have seven questions for you. One of them is, you mentioned that you had a ski mask, but then you said, no, it was a hat that I turned into a ski mask. What do you mean by that exactly?

[Benjamin Gray]

It looked like a watch cap. A what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hat.

[Benjamin Gray]

Watch cap.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, those watch cap.

[Benjamin Gray]

Those wool caps.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. With, like, a cap. Like a brim.

[Benjamin Gray]

No brim. No brim. Like a regular watch cap.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A watch cap.

[Benjamin Gray]

You know what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The. Can you Google watch cap for me instead of asking some dumbass question that takes us farther off the trail?

[Benjamin Gray]

Did you ever have a ski mask, Tony?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's just a beanie. Oh, a beanie, right. Yeah, I got it back in your day. They were watch caps

[Benjamin Gray]

back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So did. Did you poke holes in it or something? You said you made it a ski mask. Did you? I makeup.

[Sam Morrell]

His buddy Richard Ramirez taught him how to do that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what do you mean you turned your beanie into a ski mask?

[Benjamin Gray]

It was a ski mask that I turned into a beanie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you went holes up?

[Shiva Ari]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Benjamin Gray]

It had holes in the mouth and all that already.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. You took the Bullets out of the gun. Did you take the bullets out of the gun?

[Benjamin Gray]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where did you put the bullets?

[Benjamin Gray]

On the floor, like car.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In the back seat of the car?

[Benjamin Gray]

No, right in between my legs on the driver's. In the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, passenger side?

[Benjamin Gray]

No, behind the wheel.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were. You drove to the. The butcher shop? Yes. And then where was the getaway driver? He. Was he in the back seat?

[Benjamin Gray]

Yeah, he was. No, he was in the passenger seat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But he was supposed to get out and get behind the wheel.

[Benjamin Gray]

Supposed to slide over and then when

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you went back to the car, he was in the back seat by himself?

[Benjamin Gray]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Un believable.

[Benjamin Gray]

Exactly, exactly, exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable.

[Benjamin Gray]

I would have beat him up, but I'm non violent.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, it's unbelievable. Unfuck. This story is crazy.

[Benjamin Gray]

I couldn't believe it either, to be honest.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So here we go. I'm gonna keep plowing through these questions here. Benjamin, how much was the takeaway? How much did you steal from the butchers? It was about $1700, $1700. Yeah, it sounds like you did the bulk of the work and they didn't get a sin.

[Benjamin Gray]

I said you, you like him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You didn't give Alan anything. I'm telling you, I like this Allen guy.

[Benjamin Gray]

Back in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

As the story went on, I'm like as Allan starts as a dumbass in the beginning, but then with a fudicle in the. Hands up. But then in the end the whole. I'll get him. That's genius, dude. That's like next level Jedi criminal. Yeah, it was unbelievable.

[Sam Morrell]

In seventeen hundred dollars in your day, that was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What were you saying, Sam?

[Sam Morrell]

Seventeen hundred dollars in your day was like 85 grand, right?

[Benjamin Gray]

Yeah, that was good for the next week.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't even believe. Okay, I don't even smoke, but you

[Sam Morrell]

got me smoking cigarettes because that story was so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Sam's. Sam literally during your story is like, can I have a cigarette? I don't even smoke, but I want one for this. Okay.

[Sam Morrell]

That was amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you ever. Have you ever stayed in touch with Allen at all? Do you know what happened to Allen?

[Benjamin Gray]

I talked to Alan about a week ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, what's he up to nowadays? Do you guys ever talk about this?

[Benjamin Gray]

Oh, boy. Yeah, he's doing all right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Benjamin Gray]

Yeah. He's married, he has kids. He has two little Frenchies.

[Chad Daniels]

Still eating fudge pops?

[Benjamin Gray]

Yeah. What's that?

[Chad Daniels]

Still eating fudge pops?

[Benjamin Gray]

Probably. Yeah. He's a good guy. He was an iron worker.

[Sam Morrell]

You also called Richard Ramirez a good guy though, a minute ago, so.

[Benjamin Gray]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love how all these criminals. No, he's a really. He's a good dude. Assault of the earth.

[Benjamin Gray]

He wasn't a bad guy.

[Sam Morrell]

Good guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Benjamin, I gotta tell you, man, you know an incredible story. Great execution, great delivery. Amazing stuff. I love. I loved it. That was fantastic. There was a second. I've never been closer. I was so frustrated with you 13 minutes ago. I was literally gonna be like, yeah, now you're just saying the same stuff we talked about. Get out of here. But I felt like there was something.

[Chris Howard]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In there.

[Benjamin Gray]

I really didn't want to tell the world.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, well, I don't give a. You need to do more of the stuff that you don't want to tell the world. Let me tell you something, Benjamin. You're 73. You don't have anything to lose anymore.

[Benjamin Gray]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's time to tell the world all the crazy about you.

[Benjamin Gray]

Okay, so this one time I was at camp and there was a bunch of girl dressing up. No.

[Sam Morrell]

What? What if the next story is just a gang rape? Like, wait a second. That was bad. What are those stories, Ben?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then. And then I come inside of her and Alan takes a fudge sickle and puts her right ass.

[Benjamin Gray]

How'd you know? My God, the guy's a psychic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And, Benjamin, I would love to have you back on the Secret show. And you got a big joke book last time you were on, right? You got a big joke book. There he goes. Benjamin Gray, everybody.

[Benjamin Gray]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some noise for Benjamin.

[Benjamin Gray]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on. He's gonna die soon. You can make more noise than that. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, we have the return of a fantastic comedian that's only been on this show one time before. She is one of my favorite top young rising comedies, comedians in the world. She lives in Nashville, Tennessee. This is the second ever appearance by the great Fiona Coley, ladies and gentlemen. Hell, yeah. Fiona Collie, everybody.

[Fiona Cauley]

So when I became wheelchair bound, I was really concerned about being able to get around, like, the infrastructure of things. Specifically cobblestone. It really concerned me. Okay. But I'll let y' all know if you're a woman in a wheelchair, cobblestone, It is just public masturbation if y' all see me out there doing donuts. Mind your fucking business.

[Chad Daniels]

One more.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sure. Yeah, Absolutely.

[Fiona Cauley]

I did recently lose 10 pounds of muscle. Cause I'm dying.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck yes. Fiona Cauley, you gotta love. Where else in the world can you go and say, I've lost 10 pounds of muscle because I'm dying? And the place goes crazy. You know what I mean? This is just a special place with a special person, and you are exactly where you belong, Fiona Cauley. Did you really lose 10 pounds of muscle? Let's get the scale out here. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I love it. Fiona. Welcome back to the show. You're so fucking funny. How's life been going? You made your Kill Tony debut just a couple months ago. Here you are.

[Fiona Cauley]

It has been amazing, actually. So, two days after that episode came out, my Snapchat got hacked.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah?

[Fiona Cauley]

What do you. You've snapped up for? Yeah, nudes. It's for nudes,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

huh?

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So a bunch of nudes of you got out?

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? If we Google it, we can find it? Is that what you're implying?

[Fiona Cauley]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you airdrop it? I've never had a wheelchair fetish until I met you, Fiona Cawley. It is incredible.

[Fiona Cauley]

That's a bad part. These newts are, like 5 years old, so I'm standing in them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no.

[Fiona Cauley]

No one wants.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no. That's like. That's like. It's like if Gallagher didn't have his watermelon.

[Sam Morrell]

Your nudes are like a Facebook memory, kind of. That's good.

[Enrique Chacon]

Yeah.

[Sam Morrell]

Let me put this down. Hold on. Hilarious jokes. Really funny.

[Fiona Cauley]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really funny. Yeah. You're fantastic, Fiona. What else is going on in life? What? What was that? It just. The Snapchat got hacked and pictures of you got out. That's it.

[Fiona Cauley]

That's a lot. I don't know. Oh, I had a show at. At the lab, at Zany's, and it sold out the day after the episode came out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're selling tickets now?

[Rose Highland]

Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

that's right. That's what we do. The Kill Tony Bump.

[Fiona Cauley]

It's so real, it's amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're finally living while you're dying.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. So good. I could walk. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Living the dream and dying the nightmare. It is incredible.

[Fiona Cauley]

At the same time, only living the dream. Cause I'm dying.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. No, it's perfect.

[Fiona Cauley]

Complicated.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. You don't have to sign up for the bucket. You have a special spot. It's like having a placard or something

[Fiona Cauley]

like that in memory.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What else is going on, Fiona? Tell us more about your life or anything else. Or you could just do a joke or really, anything else. All you ever try to rob a butcher shop before?

[Fiona Cauley]

They always see me coming, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. I love it. I love it. What else, Fiona? What else should we know about you?

[Fiona Cauley]

What do you want to know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are your. What do Your parents think about all this?

[Fiona Cauley]

Well, my mom is very excited.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Fiona Cauley]

Don't really talk to my dad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, he left before the whole wheelchair thing, so he's like a regular shitty dad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, interesting. Interesting maneuver. How amazing. What a great, great time to get out. He sold the stock before it went bad. Amazing, amazing stuff. So what's kind of like your prognosis? I don't know if that's a crazy question to ask, but what are doctors saying about you?

[Fiona Cauley]

So when I got. Let's. Okay, so I'm about to be 28, right? I got diagnosed at 18. And when I was diagnosed, they told me I had two years left to walk. You know, my life expectancy was 40. It's progressive. And so much of you is a muscle. So, like, your sight, you're hearing your speech, all that would go. So I was kind of a whore for a long time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's hot.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Sam Morrell]

By the way, hear that? Austin? Being progressive is. No, he's good. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Fiona Cauley]

But the good news about, like, six months ago, the FDA approved the first treatment.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I actually heard about this. Somebody sent me this, and I was gonna send you it, but I assume that you already were sent it. I. I was extremely good friends with Michael Ler, and he would always get offended anytime I sent him anything about. It's like, it would be like new stem cells proven to help als. He's like, I'm dying.

[Enrique Chacon]

Don't you understand?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nothing helps me. He's like, you think you know more about dog? He would literally nothing made him matter than somebody tried to trying to save his life. Yeah. So have you been taking it?

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. So the scariest part about Friedrich's ataxia, which is what I have, is the progression of it. You know, if I could just, like, know what my body was going to be like the following day, I think I'd be fine. But this medication is just. Just three pills every day, and it pauses the progression. So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, that's good. Like, oh, no. Dr. Redband, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Oh, that's good. Unbelievable addition.

[Chad Daniels]

Does the medication have a chance to reverse it or it's just going to pause it?

[Fiona Cauley]

So I'm very excited about this. So there is a different clinical trial that I was actually part of that is with clinical trials, ones are tested in so many stages, they go into open label, which is when the people that were in the trial get to take it for free for a few years to make sure it's okay before FDA approval. And that is like a shot in your Stomach every day. And so it just protects them, which is the protein I don't make enough of, which is reversal. So. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy. It's all happening.

[Sam Morrell]

A shot in the stomach. It sounds like someone's gonna be back on Snapchat soon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Fiona Cauley]

My comedy career is over. Yeah, I'm gonna be the British girl again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's amazing. Oh, God, you are so funny, Fiona. What else is going on? Any other plans while you're here in Austin?

[Fiona Cauley]

I'm doing a bunch of shows.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very cool.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, yeah, I'm here till next Tuesday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Fiona Cauley]

I can't remember all of them. I met Sons of Strip a lot though. Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Awesome, awesome. Yep. Easy place to get booked. This fucking dirty dirt ball. He's pulled up a bunch of nudie AI pics. Don't show the audience, Jessica. Okay, very good. Red band. Absolutely hysterical for the four people in the front row. Totally worth it. Not millions of people watching this very important show. Great. It's a bunch of dirty cartoon characters with red hair. Very good. Yes, okay, great, great. Actually, that is pretty hot. Anyway, okay, Fiona, very fun stuff. Welcome back to Austin. If you want, I have a park right by my place if you want to hang out. It's a lot of cobblestones, so love to go on a walk with you tomorrow. Walk and roll, if you will. There she goes. Ladies and gentlemen, rising star, the great Fiona Cauley. Everybody. Make the. Make the noise. You're killing it. It's okay. He's just a. He's just a blind guy. Rolling over d madness's feet on her way out. For those of you only seven apologies on her leaving of the stage. Your next comedian has an eye circled next to their name, which means they are one of you. They are in this room representing you, the audience. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your very own Jamie. Jamie? Is that Jamie? Oh, God. Is this Jamie? Hurry the up, Jamie. Let's go. Jesus Christ. All right, here we go. Oh, this seems like someone that probably probably wrote 50, 15 seconds on the drive here. This is gonna be fantastic. Always is unbelievable. But it could be the next star of the show. Anything can happen. Makes Nights with Jamie, everybody.

[Jamie]

All right, well, clearly it took me for fucking ever to get up here. I'm middle aged, clearly having a midlife crisis here doing standup for the first time in Austin, Texas, baby.

[Jack Horner]

Woo hoo.

[Jamie]

So I just left corporate America recently and have an AI startup like everybody on earth. So I was talking to Chatgpt, talking about my problems and I said, hey, man, having a midlife crisis. And it said, oh shit, me too. I've been updated all the fucking time. First I'm GPT3 GPT4, now I'm 4,0,40. Fuck, it sucks being midlife crisis. It's like, yeah, it kept going on and on and saying like, shit, life used to be really easy. I was just doing autocompletes of emails. I used to be able to hallucinate all fucking day at work.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was awesome.

[Jamie]

Thanks. Got at least one it nerd in the crowd. And so it keeps going on and saying, yeah, my new job sucks. I write code all fucking day trying to give, trying to make images that are politically correct and historically correct correct. It just sucks. So I'm like, well, what are you going to do next if this job sucks? It's like, yeah, I have my own AI startup. Like, what the are you going to do? Said, I'm going to make a bot of Dr. Phil.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Jamie. Jamie?

[Jack Horner]

Close enough.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jamie. How's it going? Jamie, Hello. Hi. When did you decide you wanted to do this?

[Jamie]

I actually rehearsed from like last week. We're here for a birthday of our friends. We're here from Seattle. Woohoo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Woohoo. Woo. Who? Huh? Sam.

[Sam Morrell]

Jamie, why did it take you longer to get up here than Fiona?

[Jamie]

I was like, there's no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You just wait. Go ahead, Jamie, whatever you want to say. No reason to. No reason to pay attention. If anyone else professionals are talking, go ahead. Yes. When I said your name, you were like, no way. The odds are 1 in 250 and my name was said. You ever done anything on a stage before, Jamie?

[Jamie]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, this is good. This will discourage people from signing up for the show. What do you do for work?

[Jamie]

I have an AI company.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, boy. Boring. So what, what were you doing before AI was a thing?

[Jamie]

I. I've been in technology my whole career.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the most interesting thing about you? You got to hear from the great Benjamin Greeley who talked about robbing a butcher shop. You got to see a British girl bomb playing the bass guitar and singing. You got to see Martin Phillips and Jack Horner hobbling around. You got to see Fiona Collie roll up and destroy. Give us an example of something exciting about your life that would make us interested for the fact that you signed up for a show that millions of people watch.

[Jack Horner]

Not exciting.

[Sam Morrell]

This is like when Jack Nicholson turned into the Joker.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Answer the fucking question, Jamie.

[Jamie]

Well, interesting. Well, this week I went to the er. So I sliced my finger open.

[Matt Taylor]

Yay.

[Sam Morrell]

You're following a girl in a wheelchair. You're talking about your finger.

[Enrique Chacon]

That's all I got.

[Sam Morrell]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hopefully they'll be able to reverse the fucking. All right. If there was only a medicine for that. Neosporin. My God. Hopefully they gave you the placebo.

[Jamie]

I was gonna try to make, like a stitches joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uh huh. Like bitches get stitches?

[Jamie]

More like. When I found out how cheap these stitches were, I thought maybe they could just stitch here. It'd be cheaper than Ozempa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Jesus Christ Almighty. Unbelievable.

[Jamie]

Everybody in my area in Seattle, everybody's on oic. We got a friend that does Joe Zpic. It's hilarious.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jamie, that's pretty good. Leave. Leave, Jamie, leave.

[Jamie]

Sorry. I really did rehearse.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Love you all. You take that fist bump from Sam Morrell. You take it. That's as much as you're getting. I hate it. If you're gonna sign up for the show, bring something to the table. God damn it. Do I really have to say that? Seattle, her friend's birthday. AI companies. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. This looks like a good name. I don't think it's ever been on this show before. Ebad Jengda. Ebad Jengda. Oh, here we go. Hell yeah.

[Chad Daniels]

You.

[Benjamin Gray]

Yo.

[Ebad Jengda]

Went to go visit my dad a few days ago. I've been trying to open up to this guy, but having an immigrant dad can't tell him anything, you know, like, especially mental health. Immigrant parents came here. No Internet, no English. It's like, fuck your sadness. I try to tell my dad I think I'm depressed. He's like, well, if you became a doctor, you'd know for sure. Fuck him. Asshole. My mom and I can't even have a conversation, you know? I'm like, how's your day? She's like, where's your wife? She wants to get me an arranged marriage, so she sends me a curated list. All brown girls, every Saturday morning.

[Benjamin Gray]

Yeah.

[Ebad Jengda]

She's like, give me grandchildren, used to make me pancakes. Now I got a raw dog. Random Pakistani women.

[Shiva Ari]

You know what I mean?

[Ebad Jengda]

Fuck are we doing? Hell yeah. Yeah, my last girlfriend and I got in a fight about hall passes. You guys know about hall passes? Celebrity encounter. Less than 1% chance of happening, you know what I mean? Mine, Zoe Saldana, baddie.

[Jack Horner]

Right?

[Ebad Jengda]

Hers, the Wu Tang Clan. It's a gay bang, actually. Thank you guys so much, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let you go there some extra time. Called off the bear. And welcome, Ebad.

[Ebad Jengda]

Appreciate you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're a Pakistani?

[Ebad Jengda]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How long you been doing Stand up.

[Ebad Jengda]

Two years now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Two years. Two years. Where at?

[Ebad Jengda]

Mostly creek in a cave in this club called East Austin Comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so you're here in Austin. What do you do for work?

[Ebad Jengda]

Celtec, Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. That's what I was gonna guess. I should have just nailed it, but I gave you a chance there. I was hoping something cool, maybe nothing cool. Where is your actual. Because you have a very, very, very. A very chiseled haircut. Where does your hairline actually go up to, cuz? Right here. Okay. All right. Cuz it looks like you just, like, shaved around your entire face.

[Chris Howard]

I have to.

[Ebad Jengda]

I have a lot of baby hair, so I got to get the edge ups, you know what I mean?

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is incredible. You are as Pakistani as it gets.

[Ebad Jengda]

Hell yeah. I'm a hairiest motherfucker.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is incredible. This is a guy that did not trim his pubes for this show, guaranteed. That place is straight Jungle Book down there.

[William Montgomery]

Nscape.

[Ebad Jengda]

I'm manscape. It's a sponsor.

[Jack Horner]

Right.

[Ebad Jengda]

I manscape.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Absolutely. Use the code. Kill 20. Kill 20. Save 20%. Ebad. Jangda. Your name, Ebad, does that mean something? Or.

[Chris Howard]

Ibad.

[Ebad Jengda]

It's a worship in Arabic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay. And your parents, what do they do? Do?

[Ebad Jengda]

They're retired now, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

After 9, 11. They're retired. They. They raised.

[Ebad Jengda]

They did their best, you know, they did their life's work. So they.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Ebad Jengda]

They're good now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. You have brothers and sisters? I have an older brother.

[Ebad Jengda]

He's four years older.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does he do?

[Ebad Jengda]

He's. He's an engineer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Benjamin Gray]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys are extremely Pakistani, wildly successful. What do you like to do for fun?

[Ebad Jengda]

Play basketball, try to make music, hang out, do comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Ebad Jengda]

That's about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've never heard of a Pakistani basketball player before.

[Ebad Jengda]

We're trying out there.

[Cam Patterson]

You know what I mean?

[Ebad Jengda]

We're trying to get bigger.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What's your specialty?

[Ebad Jengda]

My specialty on the court.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ebad Jengda]

Threes. That's all I could do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you're a long range. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Incredible. Not only does he eat curry, he shoots, like, Steph curry. Amazing. Amazing. All right, Ebad. Great stuff.

[Ebad Jengda]

Appreciate you, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fantastic. Here's a big joke book. We're gonna keep it moving along. We're gonna get one last bucket pull up here. And ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to announce Biggest because I hate Jamie so much that. This is also from the inside, everybody. So the audience, your representatives, have a shot at redemption here. Make some noise for Matt Taylor. Everyone, is Matt Taylor here? Movement. It Says inside, I'm not seeing movement. No Matt Taylor. What?

[William Montgomery]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He had to go pee. The he doing. Oh, that makes sense, actually. Yeah, we didn't. We. We let actual audience members buy tickets for the balcony only tonight ever, which is crazy. It's the first time we've ever done that. And here he comes. Ladies and gentlemen, Matt Taylor. I have a feeling. I have a feeling that he's gonna get redemption for Jamie's inside bombing big sons one more time. Your final bucket pull of the night, Matt Taylor.

[Matt Taylor]

All right, so I'm dating a woman in a wheelchair. I feel like that kind of narrows it down for everybody in here. We got a good thing going, you know, she's nice. She calls me her short king. I call her my auto Thought. It's nice dating a woman in a wheelchair. People ask you a lot of times, they're like, matt, like, is that like your fetish? Is that what you're into? And it's not even that. It's just that, like, I have a fear of long term commitment, so. Yeah. Also, I know Fiona was on here earlier and I do want to say she had that joke where she was like, I'm just looking for somebody that can fuck me so good I can walk again. The week after we started that pharmaceutical company called her about a possible cure. So. To be continued. I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We'll see what happens, dude. All right, cool. All right. All right. Matt Taylor. Amazing. You're fucking Fiona call. Yes, sir. God damn it. Look at that. Living the American dream.

[Matt Taylor]

It's pretty nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what's that like? Do you ever go way down on her?

[Martin Phillips]

Nah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's.

[Matt Taylor]

It's a lot of missionary. So just out here doing the Lord's work.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know what it's. I know what it's like to always be a bottom, my friend. I know

[Matt Taylor]

she just rolls over with her will.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony's gay. Ha. Shut up, D. Madness, you piece of. Okay, yeah, I'm over there. I'm over there. D. Yeah, I'm right there. You just pointed right at me. Okay, Matt Taylor, what do you do for work?

[Matt Taylor]

I. I'm a comedian full time now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, amazing.

[Matt Taylor]

With another comic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So amazing you're based out of Nashville?

[Matt Taylor]

I am, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. How long you been doing comedy in Nashville?

[Matt Taylor]

Almost seven years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Seven years. Amazing. Amazing. You're a full time comedian. Living the dream. What'd you do before that?

[Matt Taylor]

Social work

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

industry to get out of. Yeah, it was pretty.

[Matt Taylor]

Pretty wild. A lot of boring stories.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know helping people sucks.

[Matt Taylor]

It's the worst.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for fun?

[Matt Taylor]

I don't know. Fucking nothing. I'm like the whitest person you'll meet. There's. It's just kind of. I do comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's it. When you say that you're the whitest person that I'll meet, what do you mean by that?

[Cam Patterson]

By that?

[Matt Taylor]

I don't know. Honestly, I just said that and I was like, that's the widest thing I could have said right there.

[Ebad Jengda]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have no clue, dude.

[Ebad Jengda]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a great, great point.

[Matt Taylor]

I actually. I did this show like six and a half years ago when you guys in Nashville.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us about it. How'd that go?

[Matt Taylor]

Not good. Don't look it up. Yeah, it sucked. At one point, I think you were like, you're the most boring fucking person I've ever talked to in my life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, luckily Jamie was here earlier, so you're basically fucking Richard Pryor right now. Oh, yeah.

[Matt Taylor]

Fuck you, Jamie. No, I'm kidding. I don't know him. I'm sorry, that was.

[Sam Morrell]

How great would that be if you just heard a gunshot in the back right now?

[Matt Taylor]

I don't know.

[Chad Daniels]

You should make it so when people search that set of yours, they see Fiona's Snapchats.

[Matt Taylor]

Yes, absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, describe it for us.

[Matt Taylor]

Us Describe the Snapchats?

[Cameron Ilig]

Yeah.

[Matt Taylor]

My guess, I found out she was taller than me. I'll tell you that much. That was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow.

[Matt Taylor]

Cuz she was standing and. All right. Nope, don't remember that. Cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Matt Taylor]

That's where I lose you guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, cool. I love it. Well, Matt, congratulations. We're at the end of the show. You did it. There's a big joke book. Congratulations. Appreciate that.

[Matt Taylor]

Thank you, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have fun. Roll with Fiona. Absolutely. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we've come to that part of the night where only one thing could possibly happen to send us home. A man so great, so powerful, that many say he controls the weather. Yeah. Some people say that it was him that is the true son of God. Yeah. Some people call him the Vanilla Gorilla. Some people call him the Popsicle Prince. Some have called him the Tijuana Tarantula, the Wisconsin Winona, the Ladybird Lover, the. The Pflugerville Fish. Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed the Big Red Machine. The one and only hall of Famer, William Montgomery.

[William Montgomery]

That is very correct. I am the fucking Popsicle Prince. And I do control the weather. To me, the biggest mystery about the Trump assassination attempt is how in the hell did Hillary Clinton's fat ass climb up on the roof of that building. My girlfriend wants me to consider a brother.

[Chris Howard]

Husband.

[William Montgomery]

What the fuck does that even mean? Guess y' all heard the news. Dr. Ruth died. Rest in peace to the woman who taught me how to orgasm. Orgasm. I'm developing a new subdivision aimed at attracting middle class working Italian families. I'm gonna call it Pizzagate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, that's my time, William. Lights out, ladybird lover Montgomery.

[William Montgomery]

I am the person dumping the bodies in the lake of lady bird. Tony, I've had enough this past week. I was looking at Gator, my sweet little dog. I was looking at her. I'm always looking at her. And I actually found a worm this past week, Tony. And we took her to the vet. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

And we took her to the vet and the doctor says it's not a parasite. So now we're taking her to some real expensive place in Sedona, Arizona this coming week. It's costing like $10,000. The doctor. I found it. Worm and gators. And now this doctor here in Austin's telling us that's not the case. And I found online there's a great guy in Sedona, Arizona.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the guy in Sedona gonna do?

[William Montgomery]

He specializes Tony. And if. If your dog. If you're sure your dog has worms, but the veterinarian says it doesn't have worms. They specialize in stuff like that. I found it online. Seriously. I was searching. I was so scared. I had this. Tony is the scaredest I've been in forever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It doesn't have a parasite. Everything is. Is okay. The dog will be fine. And you went online, found a guy in Sedona that searches through dog.

[William Montgomery]

Because I found a worm and Gator, Tony. I mean, I part.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's red band keeps repeating that. That's very normal. Very normal. Red Pan has.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, he has worms in his shit. Probably got all the nasty. He eats street all he eats food off the street. I don't know if people know that. That's probably my thing. Stress.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Chad, have you seen William before?

[Chad Daniels]

I haven't.

[William Montgomery]

How are you, Chad?

[Chad Daniels]

I'm great.

[Rose Highland]

Cool.

[William Montgomery]

What do you do? Are you a comedian or what do you do?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God, William, why do you do that to the guest? That's what I forgot to tell you guys earlier.

[Chad Daniels]

It's okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Remember when I said forgetting something? What I forgot to to tell you guys was sometimes William takes shot at the guests to not worry.

[William Montgomery]

Wasn't that really. I swear.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He has a bad reputation for it. He's like the what? William, what are you doing? Are you starting over there?

[William Montgomery]

No, I'm not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, what you. Why are you looking Chad up and down the. Yeah, he's sizing me up all.

[William Montgomery]

I think I could kick the out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William.

[William Montgomery]

Beat your fucking ass.

[Chris Howard]

You know what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I asked again.

[William Montgomery]

So what are you, a comic or something?

[Shiva Ari]

Whoa.

[William Montgomery]

I take your ass.

[Benjamin Gray]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William, don't do that. William, don't do that.

[William Montgomery]

My dog has worms, Tony. And the vet is telling me the. It's the first time in my life I've been gaslit, Tony. Isn't that what gaslighting is? When you know something's true but people are telling you it's not true?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's been a while.

[Jack Horner]

Worst

[William Montgomery]

week of my life. That was kind of a dumb idea. Normally you are good at that. That was kind of a stupid deal on that one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a good one. Why are you tweeting on everybody?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, cuz I'm not happy right now

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

cuz of the worm and the poo

[William Montgomery]

and I got blisters.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, what?

[William Montgomery]

I got blisters on my feet. I've been wearing these shoes. I haven't worn these shoes a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, those shoes are terrible.

[William Montgomery]

I thought for a second you were about to say you liked them or something. Oh, gosh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, gosh.

[William Montgomery]

You don't like them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why would you wear blister. Why would you wear shoes that give you blisters, William, you're rich now.

[William Montgomery]

Don't say that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why? Why don't you know?

[William Montgomery]

Here's an example. I literally get back from fucking Vancouver, Canada. All the shows are wonderful. They take. I mean, I'm paid in Canadian dollars. Once that is is transferred to American dollars, it's like 10,000 less dollars. Then there's a fucking $5,000 tax. Some fucking weird Canadian tax up there. So no, I mean, it's not good. I ended up losing money this past week.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You didn't lose money exactly, but it's. Canada fucking sucks.

[William Montgomery]

I gambled up there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony, tell me about your gambling.

[Enrique Chacon]

Oh, man.

[William Montgomery]

I've been playing blackjack. They've been calling me blackjack at the blackjack table. And I've been. I was doing so good in Vancouver and then I. I just started losing every. Have you ever played blackjack before?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We were talking to Chad. Making amends. Here we go.

[Benjamin Gray]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

Got a tough guy. You're kind of tough on that one. That was kind of like a tough guy response.

[Chad Daniels]

You asked me a question and I answered your question. Tell your story, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, what's your Making so. No. No. Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

Do you see what you just did? Did I see what I just did?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

Do you see what you just did?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

See what I just did?

[Chad Daniels]

I know what I just did. I put a worm in your dog.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm just gonna let this storm settle. See what happens here. I kind of like this. I'm gonna let this go.

[William Montgomery]

Like, I mean, it's like I'm joking around and then you start making fun about how I talk. I mean, that seemed kind of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why would you do that?

[William Montgomery]

I was blatantly joking around and then you come at my ass making fun of how I talk. At least I have a distinctive way of talking. You sound like some just idiot when you talk.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[William Montgomery]

Sound like some boring old white dude when you talk to me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. I couldn't even do anything.

[William Montgomery]

You dumb.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William. With William. What did I tell you about turning on guests like that?

[William Montgomery]

Seriously, how would I do an impression? Talk. Say something else.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't sound any kind of way. Are you guys like old friends or something like that? I don't know about it. What is going on right now? This is absolutely incredible. This is.

[William Montgomery]

It's like you make fun of how I talk. You say something about my dog. You've never met gator.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. William, you are out of control right now. Look at how serious. Oh, he waked at him. There's the wing. Yeah, whatever. Where's the. That was a true wink. He's known for his winks when there's. There's the sound of his wink. Oh, there it is. It's been a long time since we seen the wink. He's making up with Chad. I see. I've seen seven. Eight. About eight winks of Chad.

[William Montgomery]

Okay, I'm not doing it anymore.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Chad. Chad. Did you. Did you. Are you think. Have you. Did you wink back at William?

[Chad Daniels]

I. I've not winked back at William.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you want. Oh, I've not winked back at William.

[William Montgomery]

No wonder you don't talk.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is wipeout. William, you're out of control tonight. William, I can't have. How am I supposed to book some of the best comedians in the world on this show? So when every time I have one on, you take shots like this and you.

[William Montgomery]

He made fun of how I talked. You know what that does.

[Chad Daniels]

That's not how you were talking.

[William Montgomery]

How was I talking?

[Chad Daniels]

You were taking it up. You were being dramatic.

[William Montgomery]

How was it sound?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's gonna make fun of you again if you keep listening to that. I'm not going to make fun of you.

[Chad Daniels]

Come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, there we go.

[William Montgomery]

I'm sorry. Yeah, you just missed everything.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, hold on.

[William Montgomery]

Who are you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you come. Idiot.

[William Montgomery]

Who's this guy?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You.

[Sam Morrell]

I'm sorry. I had to pee really badly. I missed a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you have any worms in your pee?

[Sam Morrell]

It hurt. Yeah, I might, but I think it's just. I think it's just whiskey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, no doubt about it.

[Benjamin Gray]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William, anything else we should know about? About? Very interesting appearance tonight.

[William Montgomery]

I can't really now. I can't think of too much going to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We'll see. I mean, hopefully my.

[William Montgomery]

My voice holds up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I really did a number on my

[William Montgomery]

voice in Vancouver this past.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've been talking about your voice for a long time. You think you're going to arrest it anytime soon or anything like that?

[William Montgomery]

Funny, I don't know if I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, we did it again. That's another episode of Kill Tony brought to you by game time and ZipRecruiter. Make some Mr. Sam Morel, everybody. You've changed on Amazon Prime. One more time for Chad Daniels, everyone. Empty Nester out now on Netflix. Watch these guys stand up specials. Truly two of the best. Out now. The drawing from Ryan J. E Belt is in. It's great. One more time for the best damn band in the land. Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo for Nick Anagar. Michael Gonzalez. Matt Muling. John D's Andy Madness. Who's peeing for the fifth time in two hours, ladies and gentlemen. It's unbelievable. Madison Square Garden. A lot of huge announcements coming that are going to shock the world. Red man, Check out the Sunset Strip. Atx.com I love you. All right. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Thank you.

[Benjamin Gray]

It.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The Sunset Strip Comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Sam.