#743 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE DEROSA

Summary

Kill Tony #743 Recap: Luis J Gomez + Joe DeRosa

Date: November 11, 2025
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, Texas
Hosts: Tony Hinchcliffe & Brian Redban
Guest Panelists: Luis J Gomez, Joe DeRosa

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Episode Overview

This episode of Kill Tony features two hard-hitting New York comedians, Luis J Gomez and Joe DeRosa, as guest panelists alongside resident hosts Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban. The episode, taped live at the Comedy Mothership in Austin, keeps true to form: upstart comics drawn at random from a bucket perform a high-pressure one-minute set, followed by panel interviews and roasts. On this night, a remarkable mix of highs (a new regular is crowned) and lows (bombs, roasts, and confessions) keeps the momentum wild, rowdy, and ultimately celebratory.

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Key Segments & Highlights

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Introductions, Festival Banter, Special Announcements

• 00:45–04:00:
  • Tony welcomes special guests Joe DeRosa (“I Never Promised You a Rose Garden” on YouTube) and Luis J Gomez (“You’re Making This Worse” on YouTube), plugging their specials and upcoming appearances.
  • Skank Fest in New Orleans discussed. Tony jokes about outgrowing the festival but hints at another secret Kill Tony show (“Tony says this every year…I convince him to do a secret Kill Tony”—Luis J Gomez, 03:20).
  • The show's wild, “anything can happen” spirit is set, including jokes about New Orleans’ spooky atmosphere and infamous festival antics.

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Comedian Performances & Panel Reactions

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1. Josh Sussman (Intern, Legion of Skanks)

06:52–17:30

• Adoption jokes: “Adoption is a lot like a box of chocolates. It’s mostly leftovers… never any white chocolate.”
• MLK impression and acknowledging awkward jobs, “I used to work with mentally handicapped orphans. Now I work with Legion of Skanks. Some things never change.”
• Panel roasts his set:
  • Luis: “You’re gonna come on one of the biggest podcasts in the world, representing Legion of Skanks with that horseshit?” (08:04)
  • Tony & Joe deconstruct his adoption experience, share personal stories, and riff on trauma and awkward childhoods (“At least mine got rid of me on purpose, not through neglect”—Joe, 10:59).
• Discussion of his multicultural and odd family history; panel alternates between roasting and genuine interest.
• Notable moment: Josh emotionally thanks the show for the opportunity after moving from Switzerland (“It’s been a dream come true coming here”—16:58).

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2. Sarah Sloan

18:22–24:58

• Jokes about robot taxis, black friends, animal impressions, and a Taylor Swift bit.
  • Panel reactions: “The Taylor Swift joke is great. Fuck her. That’s a great…”—Joe DeRosa (20:19).
• Panel lauds her growth and confidence: Luis and Tony banter about hiring her and her journey from “horse noise” to fully-fledged comic.
• Sarah shares about over-caffeination from the gig, being put in ESL classes as a child due to her Panamanian heritage, and opening up about her first-ever romantic involvement with a man.
• Trademark moment: Does her famous horse impression (“Give us one horse noise for the road”—Tony, 24:58).

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3. Thomas La Mountain

25:56–38:14

• Cat-themed bit about adopting a pet and self-deprecation about modeling in Miami.
• Reveals modeling experiences—awkward auditions, little pay, “You were selling your body in Miami?”—Luis (28:08). Eventually gets shirtless on stage, setting off a string of “show us your body” bits with the band.
• Currently works as a “redactive clerk” for Child Protective Services, reading and redacting traumatic foster care records.
• Discusses a complicated friends-with-benefits arrangement. Panel roasts but also praises his stand-up poise:
  • “You had the poise to know you were going to land the rest of that joke”—Joe (35:49).

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4. Priya Blunts

38:52–49:40

• Indian-American with jokes about her mom, Indian accents, and cultural misunderstandings at her wedding.
• Shares her lifestyle as a traveling, near-nomadic comic and actor; admits being a difficult roommate and passionate cook.
• Dishes on a long marriage to a Russian crypto bro, learning Russian, and now dating an older Black ex-con writer:
  • Fun line: “We’re getting through these daddy issues one Blue Chew at a time.”
• Panel alternates between playful teasing and surprise at Priya's colorful dating life.
• Notable exchange: On being with a Black man:
  • Tony: “What’s your favorite thing [about it]? …His confidence.”—Priya (49:10).

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5. Davey Jackson

50:01–56:30

• Hits with a personal story about a gun in his luggage (“They confiscated my gun, but one TSA agent recognized me from this show. I only got fined $1,500”—53:04).
• Recalls past relationships and wild stories, including a Latina ex who stabbed him after searching his phone (“She went through your phone when you were sleeping...That’s exactly right.”—Tony, 54:47).
• Reports on traveling to Portland and Seattle, confronting protesters, and interviewing “fat ladies.”

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6. Aaron Belial (Golden Ticket Winner, America’s Got Talent Runner-Up)

57:34–65:13

• Performs a meta set about crowd work through text-to-speech.
  • “I can’t talk, so you’re not fucking gonna [see] crowd work”—Aaron (57:34).
• Shares wild stories: tattooing with his claw, traveling with Steve-O (Steve-O helped him poop in the bushes).
• Flash reveals his new back tattoo, discusses how he types so fast, then reveals he has a fever possibly from the tattoo (panel jokes about infections, “You have a fever right now, for real?”—Tony, 64:28).

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7. Soda Pop

65:58–71:17

• “Schizophrenic character” bit filled with awkward pacing, advertising spoof for therapy apps.
• Tries to riff about being diagnosed by reading Jordan Peterson; panel is mercilessly baffled and roasts his persona.
  • “You are the most hateable person I’ve ever met in my entire life.”—Luis (69:49).
• Weird, meandering answers about jobs and being fired for inappropriate behavior.
• Notable: Joe DeRosa, spooked by Soda Pop’s unpredictable energy, spills his drink onstage (67:03).

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8. Dedrick Flynn

72:28–80:40

• Brings an explosive, confident Atlanta energy ("What you know about your uncle getting a felony for stealing thousands of Febreze plug-ins?")
• Immediate crowd control, riffing, reveals years of grinding (“Waited 39 times across the street. I ain’t fucking around. I risked this”—76:29).
• Panel is in awe:
  • “Dude, you are a beast. Don’t fuck it up with drugs or alcohol, I’m serious. Dudes with immense talent only fuck it up by getting in their own way.”—Joe (74:35).
  • “That’s the confidence you need to really blow up…Congratulations”—Luis (75:57).
• Defining moment: Tony announces Dedrick as the show’s new regular, skipping the golden ticket—an ultra-rare honor.
  • “I have some really special news for you. I have a job if you want it…You’re going to be a full-time regular here on Kill Tony”—Tony (79:26).

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9. Alessio Esposito

81:36–90:31

• Italian-Jewish comic from Manchester, UK.
• WWII family history bit: “My granddad fought for the Nazis…not good for his LinkedIn” (82:17).
• Shares about moving for love, flying to Michigan for a girl he met on spring break and blacking out (“I once flew over to America to try and sleep with someone after I met them once on spring break”—86:16). Ends up pissing the bed, never talks to her again.
• Joe praises him for following Dedrick and still delivering:
  • “For you to come out as a two-year guy following a 12-year guy that slaughtered and still have a great set is really impressive”—84:21.

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10. Buffy

90:58–101:57

• Delivers dark family/sexual material ("We came over on the D Flower…").
• Reveals she’s a stunt/precision driver, moved to Austin from LA, previously an erotic beat poet.
• Shares a wild sexual story about being “serviced” by four men with no penetration.
• Banters with the panel about dating younger men, hanging up her “hoe hat,” and exploring dating in Austin.

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11. Andrew Hack

102:29–109:53

• Opens with a Gilbert Gottfried impression roasting Tony. Asked to do his own jokes, does impressions of Mark Normand and Scooby Doo, plus a non-sequitur joke about a “black father (priest).”
• Admits he bartends for F1 events worldwide.
• Panel notes he seems funnier than his appearance suggests, encourages him to try again with his own material.

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12. Hans Kim (Resident Regular) - Closer

111:07–119:56

• Opens with a smart callback to stunt drivers.
• Mixes edgy observations (“People are more offended by rape jokes than mass shooting jokes—you don’t get to cum after a mass shooting unless you do it right”) with self-effacing Asian and relationship humor.
• Shares personal details: on the road with “Killers of Kill Tony,” sex towels, watching TV during sex, only having “sideways” sex, and partners on birth control.
• Panel lauds his comedic professionalism and acknowledges his standard-setting regular status.
  • “Every time you’re on this show, you constantly kill…really one of the best regulars”—Tony (119:47).

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• “You’re going to bypass a golden ticket completely and become a full-time regular here on Kill Tony”—Tony crowns Dedrick Flynn, 79:26.
• “You are a beast. Don’t fuck it up with drugs or alcohol or being an asshole. I’m serious.”—Joe DeRosa to Dedrick, 74:35.
• “I have no idea what it is, dude, you are the most hateable person I’ve ever met”—Luis J Gomez to Soda Pop, 69:49.
• “Adoption is a lot like a box of chocolates. It's mostly leftovers.”—Josh Sussman, 06:52.
• “The Taylor Swift joke is great. Yeah, seriously, it was all great. But that one’s really…fuck her.”—Joe, 20:19.
• “I always picture [Black men] being fully operational. If you do need Blue Chew, use promo code Tony…”—Tony, 46:06.

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Special Recognition: New Regular

Dedrick Flynn receives the show’s highest honor—immediately elevated to “regular,” bypassing golden ticket status—a rare and powerful moment.
Tony: “You wrote the shit out of that joke. You performed good as hell...I have a job if you want it." (76:06, 79:26).

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Timestamps for Notable Segments

• Dedrick Flynn’s set & regular status: 72:28–80:40
• Josh Sussman adoption/trauma riffs: 06:52–17:30
• Panel lavishes praise on Sarah Sloan: 20:17–24:58
• Soda Pop chaos/Joe spills drink: 65:58–71:17
• Aaron Belial crowd work & tattoo story: 57:34–65:13
• Priya Blunts on post-divorce dating: 38:52–49:40
• Buffy’s wild poly story: 95:53–96:36

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Tone & Panel Dynamics

The tone was classic Kill Tony: fast, irreverent, wildly inappropriate, and full of expert roasting—but also surprisingly warm for aspiring comics showing vulnerability or earnestness. Multiple sets were dissected, both as comedy and autobiography, with panelists alternating between brutal honesty, quick riffs, and genuine encouragement.

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Summary

This episode captures the everything-goes electricity that defines Kill Tony: new careers can be made, dreams crushed, and everyone gets roasted along the way. The night is most memorable for Dedrick Flynn’s instant coronation as a regular, authentic stories of struggle, darkly funny confessions, and the odd spectacle of audience participation, body reveals, and wild personal histories—all under the watchful (and ruthless) eyes of Tony, Redban, Gomez, and DeRosa.

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If you missed the episode, this summary covers all pivotal acts, panel reactions, and big moments—while skipping intros, ads, and outros—delivering the essence of a raucous Kill Tony night in Austin.

Transcript

[A]

Howdy.

[B]

This is Redman coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin,

[A]

Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony. It's great. For the best night of their lives, huh?

[C]

Yeah. Make some noise for Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God. And that right there is indeed the best damn band in the land. Make some noise for Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Anachos Bagrande Os, Matt Muling on the electric guitar, D's on the keys, and believe it or not, live in the flesh. That is D Madness on the bass guitar, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God. This episode is brought to you by prize picks Quo and Shopify. Such a fun episode for you. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Who's ready to start tonight's show, huh? I book this thing every single week. This one's for the boys. This one's for the pigs. This one's for the homies. Yeah, you guys like that? Let's just do it. Ladies and gentlemen, two of the best comedians, two of our favorite friends. Make some noise for Joe DeRosa and Louis J. Gomez.

[B]

Lewis.

[C]

J. Gomez, Joe DeRosa. Oh, yeah, baby. Let's go. Both of them have brand new specials on YouTube right now. I never promised you a rose garden is what a lot of people are saying is the best stand up special of the year by the great Joe Derosa. He's also on tour jotorosa.com Lewis is special is out. You're making this worse. Louis J. Gomez comedy on YouTube, of course. One of the founding fathers of the legion of skanks, which is right around the corner. Skank Fest 2025 in New Orleans, Louisiana. One of my least favorite cities, but I'm going there to drink myself into oblivion just for you.

[D]

I'm happy to be here.

[B]

Tony.

[D]

Tony. One of the best live experiences in the world. How are you guys feeling tonight? Good. Thank you for having me. And thanks for coming back to Skank Fest, both of you guys. This year it's going to be a blast.

[C]

We are going to have a blast. We're not doing a Kill Tony there, but we're going to have a lot of fun. Yeah, we're no longer doing Kill Tony at that dilapidated drudge of a. It's the most fun festival in all of comedy, but we've out. We've outgrown you.

[B]

I will.

[C]

We actually, Tony says this every year

[D]

to me and every year I convince Tony to Do a secret kill Tony

[C]

at Cast every year. Swear to God, Mark my words, it's not happening again. But, no, we love each other. We always have fun. Louis is the man. Welcome back to Austin, Texas. Your show. Tuesday, sold out, right at the creek.

[D]

Thursday, Thursday, Story wars right here.

[C]

Oh, yeah, the mothership. Perfect. Yep, sold out. Perfect. Fantastic. Welcome one more time for Louis. Joe derosa is back.

[B]

I'm also going to be at Skank Fest, despite Louis turning his back to me, completely talking to the other two people that are going to be there. I have not outgrown the festival. I just don't really want to go to be. Hon, what are you gonna do?

[C]

New Orleans alcoholic. Yeah, exactly. It's a fantastic place to drink yourself into oblivion while trying to forget the fact that it's a graveyard of flooding and sadness.

[B]

And it really is a dark place.

[C]

It really is.

[B]

And it's one of those cities that looks like Dracula. After 5pm no matter where you are, just fog rolls across the roads.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Ghouls, inspectors everywhere. And. And these are just the people at Skank Fest.

[C]

Yes. That's the lineup. All right. You guys know how it works. Fun fact. I do believe Lewis has the record since Brody killed himself. I do believe Lewis has the. You guys say it like it. Oh, Jesus. That's not even how he did it. Don't you have a hanging sound effect on there? Here it is. Red band. Looking for. Oh, my gosh. All right. Jesus. Whoa, whoa.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I hit the button that says Robin Williams.

[C]

That'll be the. All right, all right, all right. So you guys know two of the most used guests in the history of the show. Over 300 souls are crammed together in a bar next door, hoping and praying that we pull their name out of this bucket. I'm going to let this, what appears to be a pure dying alcoholic. Pick the first name. This guy has complete liver failure, and he picked the first name. That's how lucky he is.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[C]

Look at that. You did a good job. While we wrangle that person who's actually in the room and very close to us because she's very close to our hearts. I'm going to. I'm gonna bring up a special treat. This guy, actually. Oh, yeah. They get 60 seconds. You know their time is up. When you hear the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. So this guy that's going up first tonight, that's doing the first minute here tonight, actually won this Spot on. An episod of the Legion of Skanks. When I was in New York City, right after I did stand up and a kiltoni at Madison Square Garden, because that's what I do when I go to New York City. I do Madison Square Garden, and then I get on a flight and come back here. But I stayed.

[D]

When I come to Austin, I do the creek, and the creek. Pretty, pretty sweet.

[C]

The garden, the creek, it's all nature. You know what I mean? But this guy is one of the interns at the Legion of Skanks. He did impress us with his minute on a fake goofy episode. Short little episode of Kill Tony that we did on a Legion of Skanks episode. I know this is all very confusing for you, but no reason to overthink it. Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian doing a minute tonight goes by the name of Josh Sussman, everybody. Here we go. The show has begun. The intern, Josh Sussman.

[E]

So I was adopted at six years old, and adoption is a lot like a box of chocolates. It's mostly leftovers. I mean, your choices are typically dark or darker. Never any white chocolate.

[C]

It's fine.

[E]

But lately I've been really connecting with my roots, right? Like, I've been working on my impressions. This is an impression of LGBT mlk. I had a dream, and that dream was pretty gay. It was a gay dream. It's not great. I was not great. But, you know, I have worked a lot of strange jobs as well. I used to work with mentally handicapped orphans. It's a true story. And now I work with the Legion of Skanks. Some things never change.

[C]

All right, all right. Jeff Sussman. Wow. Really showing off some of that amazing comedy that you've learned from your mentor, Louis J. Gomez. I mean, absolutely, Josh.

[D]

What the fuck was that? You're going to come on one of the biggest podcasts in the world, representing the Legion of Skanks with that horseshit.

[B]

Yeah, Josh, you know, they told me upstairs that I'd remember you from your weird face. And I said, I'm not gonna make fun of his face. And then he did that set. I'm gonna make fun of your face. God damn D madness. Be happy. God has blessed you.

[E]

I mean, it is haunting, so it is incredible.

[C]

At least it makes Halloween easy for you this week. What do you do for Halloween? Put on you ever?

[E]

Sometimes a little bit of face paint, and that's about it.

[C]

Right? Okay, very interesting. What happened to it? Did anything ever happen? Were you ever in a horseback riding Accident or something or is that all natural?

[E]

Well, my birth mother did a lot of crack, so that helps.

[C]

Absolutely.

[D]

So your mother was the black one?

[E]

Yes.

[C]

Yeah. Okay, that's good. He's Puerto Rican. He's allowed to ask those questions.

[B]

You look like, you look like, you

[C]

know, you know when they make a

[B]

biopic about somebody and a good looking person plays the guy and then you see the real guy, you look like, you look like if the movie was about you but Michael Anthony played you in the movie and then you'd be like, wait, that's the guy? Oh, geez. All right, well, thought that. All right, go yourselves.

[C]

Josh, do you petty joke. Do you do a lot of stand up?

[E]

I do, I do.

[C]

How long you been doing it for?

[B]

Three years.

[C]

Three years. Did you really used to work with mentally ill?

[E]

I did.

[C]

What exactly? How did you end up with that job? Did they bring you in to hide under their beds and scare them or something?

[E]

Like a scared straight situation? No, it was. There is a program in Peru, so they take all the orphans that people super don't want the mentally and physically handicapped ones.

[C]

Wow.

[E]

And yeah, so I just, I spent a few weeks there building stuff.

[C]

And what were you building exactly?

[E]

Just repairing. It was like a big orphanage. There's a lot of them in Peru apparently.

[C]

What were you doing in Peru?

[E]

It was like it was affiliated with like a missions trip and stuff.

[C]

Missions trip?

[E]

I grew up very religious.

[C]

Oh, wow. Tell us more about that. Because when people see your face they go, holy shit,

[B]

It's the Lornock.

[C]

Where should we send this guy? Let me see his face. Per. Ew. Geez. Per. Ew.

[B]

I liked. Dude, I, I, I mean this sincerely. I liked. I'm adopted too. I, I met.

[C]

Oh.

[A]

My parents didn't want us.

[C]

Face is big.

[B]

At least mine got rid of me on purpose, not through neglect.

[A]

I'm more mad at Michael.

[C]

I'm more mad at Michael on that one for starting that huge fucking band piece.

[B]

Mine didn't live two blocks away.

[A]

Ouch. Ouch.

[C]

God damn, that one actually hurt. I need an ice pack or something after that. God damn. It is true. My father didn't visit me very often and he lived two blocks away. Thank you, Joe. I'm so glad I shared that with you. It's one of my truly very close friends. Wow. Just been holding on to that, huh? Just waiting for the right moment to strike down the dragon with your fucking evil slingshot of truth. Papa.

[A]

Papa, where are you?

[C]

All right.

[B]

No, I really did. I thought he had an interesting Take on adoption. I thought it was funny.

[C]

Well, hopefully our other adopted listeners felt the same way. Josh, what else about your life? Tell us something interesting about your life.

[E]

Well, one of the strange things I've been learning is that I was adopted into a very strange family. So, for example, I'm a mixture of things like I'm half black, quarter mostly Spanish, and then a quarter Native American. And then my adopted dad is Jewish. Oh, wow.

[C]

Gets worse. Wow. God, what's next? 30% Lucifer, I'm 10% warlord.

[E]

I. I recently found out that my grandfather. So he was Jewish. He was in Chicago, and he ended up becoming part of the mob, which was, I guess, the Italian mafia, which was a very strange thing.

[C]

They need accountants too. That makes sense. Italian mafia, notoriously, would bring in Jews to help them where they needed it, or else they would just have invested all of their money in. Into gold necklaces. All right, go ahead.

[E]

And then I. Yeah, so that I thought was interesting. Then my birth mom, of course, crack birth father, gone. Who knows, you know, naturally. And then my mom's side of the family are Rittenhouses. So, like, straight shooters on that one.

[C]

Wow. Amazing. Who molested you?

[B]

The best out of all of those.

[C]

Red band. Why would you. This is an innocent adopted person. He's had a tough life. And then there you go asking questions like that when you're supposed to be just goofing around on the sound effect board. Who was your favorite? Were you ever molested?

[E]

Not that I can recall, but I have six.

[C]

Oh, damn. They got you so good you blacked out. Holy. That's how you know that uncle has a strong mouth. Dude, when you're just like, Oh, man.

[B]

You said it was like a box of chocolates. Everybody took a bite.

[E]

So I actually. I can't remember the first six years of my life, so who knows?

[C]

Wow. Do you ever have flashbacks or anything? Does nothing at all, ever? Ever?

[E]

No, I. I met a hypnotherapist once. Just friend of mine who offered. They offered to unlock those memories for me, but I was like, no, thanks. I'm. I'm good.

[C]

Keep it. Keep it locked up.

[E]

Those are locked for a reason.

[C]

Amazing.

[E]

And then also on my mom's side, I found out I have, like, four Olympians in that family, but I'm adopted, so no genetics for me, so.

[C]

Wow. Do you know what type of Olympians they were? Yeah. Oh, my God. Jesus.

[E]

Swimming, diving, Synchronized diving.

[C]

Swimming and diving, Exactly. Yeah.

[E]

My mom tried.

[C]

She.

[E]

She tried to get me in.

[C]

Right. Well, Josh, a frighteningly. A frighteningly rough performance, but the interview's great. You're a very likable guy. You wear that face well. I love that you enjoy the process and that you're smiling and enjoying yourself. That's really what it's all about. And while life may be so hard that you don't even remember the last six. First six years of your life, I like to think that your best days are ahead of you, my friend.

[E]

Can I add one thing?

[C]

Absolutely, go right ahead. You're 12% evil.

[E]

All right, well, this week actually marks a very special week for me because. So I actually. I spent the last seven years in Switzerland. That's where I started doing comedy. And I realized that if I want to take this comedy thing seriously, I've got to move to America, which means that I left behind, you know, the safety and security and all of that.

[C]

Can we call an ICE agent real quick? This guy's. We don't. All right, go ahead.

[E]

Because my wife is Swiss, so that is why I was over there.

[D]

Yeah, she smells like cheese.

[C]

I wish your set was Gouda.

[E]

And so when we move.

[C]

This is incredible. I'm getting word. I'm getting a word. Lewis has put you up for adoption. They're sending you to a different podcast to be an intern somewhere else. You've been picked up by. I don't. I don't know. Yeah.

[E]

So basically.

[C]

Okay.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

Holy shit, Josh.

[C]

Yeah, okay.

[E]

All right, anyways, long story short, it's been a dream come true coming here because I moved exactly a year ago.

[D]

Are you gonna cry, you homo? YouTube. He's gonna fucking cry.

[B]

Not gay if he cries. He's just a woman.

[E]

So I just wanted to say thanks for the opportunity. Of course.

[C]

Of course, Josh. Congratulations. Here's a little joke book. Come back sometime. Josh Sussman, everybody. Come on, make some noise for Josh. He's adopted and he's got a face looks like the inside of a grilled cheese sandwich. All right. Wow. Let's not forget that the man with full blown liver failure in the front row picked a very special name to get this show started. You know her as the queen of the horse noise. A woman that literally became a full time fucking employee of everything that we do. One of my favorite people on planet Earth and a rising comedian here in Australia in Texas. Make Some noise for a Minute by the great Sarah Sloan, everyone.

[G]

Hey, guys. I recently did one of those new things that I've never done before, which is getting in those Waymo cars. Yeah, that was kind of cool. I get into the car and the computer turns on and asks me, where would you like to go? And so I was like, take me on an experience I've never been on before.

[C]

So it took me on a date.

[G]

I really hate when people brag about how many black friends they have. Like, why are we bragging about how many bad friends we have? I've been working on other animal impressions, so I'm gonna do a nasty and rude giraffe. Are you guys ready?

[H]

All right.

[I]

Hey, guys.

[G]

I'm Taylor Swift and I just released a new album.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Sarah Sloan. Absolutely amazing, Sarah.

[G]

Thank you.

[C]

It's so fun this fucking guy pulled you out of the. But we don't ever get to see. I spend days with Sarah Monday through Friday, and I never get to see your set or really talk about stand up with you. We're always focused on my never ending growing empire and to get to see it, especially these last two times, Absolutely crush. It's incredible because we just loved you for your horse noise and your story early on. And one of my favorite things is when people get pulled out of the bucket and we get to see their unbelievable growth. So one more time for Sarah Sloan.

[B]

That was really good.

[G]

Oh, thank you, Joe.

[B]

Yeah, that Taylor Swift joke is great. Yeah, seriously, it was all great. But that one's really. Fuck her. That's a great.

[C]

It really is. It's amazing. And I do believe. Weren't you here when.

[D]

That it was my fucking idea for you to hire Sarah Sloan the last time I was here.

[G]

I love you so much.

[D]

I love you so much. You better suck my cock after the show tonight.

[C]

Wow.

[D]

I don't take that L word lightly. Okay, now, Sarah, great. Honestly, the confidence. The last time I saw you did good. This. Those were fucking legitimately great jokes. Seriously, three bangers. Just like the confidence is through the roof. Was that from working on the show?

[G]

I honestly, like, I know it sounds like a brown, nosy thing to say, but, like, I think when you're around someone who, like, knows how to do it and is good at it, like, I think you're just naturally.

[C]

Is Tony helping you out on your jokes?

[G]

No.

[I]

Like, he's

[C]

literally.

[D]

Tony doesn't even look at her.

[B]

Red band. She said someone that's good at it.

[C]

Oh, you son of a bitch. Oh, you bastard. Bastard.

[B]

It's all love up here.

[C]

No, you son of a. Son of a. I used to think

[G]

Redman hated me, actually, whenever I first

[I]

started working for you.

[C]

That's actually.

[G]

That's just his face.

[C]

Oh, look at this little cow. Cow over Here, look at this sad cowboy. Oh my God, Sarah, what else is going on in your life?

[G]

Oh, man, I've been drinking too much coffee and it's been affecting some toilet stuff.

[C]

Ooh, tell us more.

[G]

It's actually because I get coffee for Tony every morning. That's part of my job duty. And so I naturally will get one for myself. But that means I'm drinking way more coffee than I ever used to.

[D]

And a red band requires coffee that opens up his.

[C]

Let's just say that door never closes. You know what I'm saying? It's like an old western in there. It's just the breeze bloweth, swings both ways. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Wow. Wow.

[J]

Wow.

[C]

Hell yeah. Yeah, 24 hours a day. So you've been drinking too much coffee?

[I]

Yeah.

[G]

Cuz then I'll also have some drip coffee and then that my maker makes like five cups, so I'm having like a latte on top of the five cups of coffee. At least I'm awake.

[C]

You know what? I'm okay. You're the best, Sarah. What else is going on? Anything else crazy we should know about before I let you out of here?

[G]

I don't know if this is actually interesting, but I've never told you this before. The only way I was allowed to get into the public school that I got into in a small town was my parents lied and said that I needed to be in English as a second language.

[C]

Wow. Yeah. Amazing. Fun fact.

[G]

So I tested out in the third grade, but I was in all these classes with Mexicans.

[C]

But you knew how to speak Spanish because your mom was.

[G]

Yeah, so my mom, she's Panamanian. Panamanian.

[I]

Yeah.

[G]

Like my whole life she's spoken in Spanish to me and I speak back in English.

[A]

So.

[C]

Yeah.

[G]

Our communication skills with each other, really good. We get along. Really? No, actually, I really love her, but.

[I]

Yeah. Yeah.

[G]

So that's always something that I realized I had never told you before, but can I say one more thing?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[G]

So basically I'm talking to a guy for the first time in my life.

[B]

Whoa.

[C]

Wow. Oh, she's dapping. Ladies and gentlemen, a 2011 specialty.

[B]

You've never dated a guy before? Are you being serious? I'm not being funny. I'm really.

[G]

No, I'm being serious.

[C]

No, she really hasn't. Yeah, she kissed her first guy on kill.

[B]

Tony.

[K]

Yeah.

[C]

And it was kind of forceful and aggressive. It was Michael Gonzalez. Oh. Kind of. Kind of the only kiss in the

[G]

history to show that forceful kiss. I was going

[C]

to. Well, they're not sending their best people up here, you know what I mean?

[G]

I went close mouthed. Cause I didn't know what I was doing. Cause it was my first kiss ever in my whole life. I was 20, 27 years old. And he went. He was like. Like, he went, yeah.

[C]

Tried to give you that lingua.

[G]

Yeah. I didn't know Spanish until after that kiss.

[C]

Yeah, look at that. Sarah Sloan, give us one horse noise for the road here. Oh, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, the trademark.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Unbelievable. This is Kill Tony and that is the great Sarah Sloan. Oh, my God, look at mob wife Heidi. Holy unbelievable. Love on the Line. Comes out every Tuesday, gets released. Her new podcast with the great Valerie Vaughn. We love Heidi. All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool. We're going to meet them all together. Looks like a new name to me. Make some noise for Thomas La Mountain, everybody. Here we go.

[L]

Thank you. What's up? I just got a. I just got a new cat. I just got my first cat, actually. She's a beautiful orange cat. Named her Macaroni after my favorite kind of necklace. Yeah, she's a great cat. I love her, but she's my first cat. So I'm still trying to figure out, like, how to raise her. So I decided to raise her the way that I was raised, you know? So like every morning I just call her a pussy and remind her. Remind her I wanted a dog, you know?

[B]

Yeah,

[L]

no, but she's. She's a good cat, you know, she's good. She's been doing this weird thing though, where macaroni's been throwing up a lot, which I think is weird because who does she need to look skinny for, right? You know, it's just weird, you know? Is there like a tomcat calling her Garfield or something? I don't know what's going on, but. But she is. She's doing. It is weird, though, because, like, before she throws up, she has like a different meow before she throws up, you know, like, usually when she throws up, like before. Usually when she meows, she's like, meow. You know, cats, right? But before she throws up, she kind of like revs it like that, you know? But before she, like throws up, she kind of like revs it up, like, which.

[B]

I don't know.

[L]

It's weird, but, like, it is kind of comforting to know that even cats

[A]

are like, oh, no, no, no, no.

[L]

So I can just hold back her ears, like, I got you, girl. Come on, get it out. Get it out, you. You know, I'm Thomas Mountain.

[C]

Thank you. All right, Thomas Lamountain. Welcome to the show. Thomas.

[L]

Thanks for having me.

[C]

It's your first time?

[L]

This is my first time.

[C]

I love it. A great set. How long you been doing stand up?

[L]

3 and a half years now.

[C]

Where at?

[L]

Miami, Florida, actually, but I'm from Nebraska.

[C]

Okay. Yeah, makes sense. How long did you move to Miami?

[L]

I moved to Miami. Well, I moved. I just moved here about three months ago, But I moved to Miami for modeling, like, four years ago.

[C]

Okay, let's stop it right there. What type of modeling were you doing, dude?

[L]

Anything that will give me money to be pretty, I guess. So what if you want, like, the

[B]

plot of Urban Midnight Cowboy shit, you got it. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

You were.

[B]

You were selling your body in Miami?

[L]

Pretty much, yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[L]

If you want me shirtless, wearing a backpack and saying, it's for Pac, son, you got it.

[B]

Dude, you can't wear Harry Potter glasses and go, I moved to Miami for modeling. That's. What do you look like with these specs off? That's what I want to know.

[C]

Whoa.

[B]

Oh, actually.

[C]

Whoa.

[B]

Not bad.

[C]

Wow. Unbelievable. As the senior gay representative on this stage, I have to tell you. Amazing. I'm shocked that you were able to make. How much money did you make modeling?

[L]

Oh, not. Not enough to make it full time, that's for sure. Yeah, barely. I mean, it. It pays good, but it's only, like, I get a job, like, maybe once a month, and it'll be like a thousand bucks for a day.

[D]

And then that guy comes, and then what are you gonna do?

[L]

Yeah, but if he. If it comes quickly, usually, like, he'll hire me again. You know, it's nice. I get a lot of repeat customer.

[I]

Yeah.

[B]

Every job ends with, you. Got any friends?

[L]

I'm on my knees. Like, am I not enough? Let's.

[D]

Come on.

[L]

All right.

[C]

What was the weirdest thing you ever got called in for the. The shadiest modeling job? Did they ever have you do anything weird?

[L]

I mean, nothing. Like, nothing crazy. Like, I definitely. But, like, modeling's weird because, like, you'll just go into, like, a warehouse, and your agent will just be like, hey, go to this warehouse for this cast, and you'll get there. They'll be like, take off your shirt, and you have to. And then they'll be like, no. Bye. And then you sleep. They never know what that's for.

[C]

They give you a little money for that?

[B]

No.

[C]

So if you don't get it on the spot, you get nothing.

[L]

Yeah, you go. It's like, for, like, almost like an audition thing. And then they'll be like, your body is not right for this. Leave. And you go, okay. And then you have to, like, put your shirt back on in front of, like. Like a panel of you guys.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

You have to do, like, the walk of shame. That's how women feel after we fucking pretty much.

[L]

Sometimes you have to do, like, these things called digitals, which is truly just. You're in your underwear and you just have to, like, stand. They take a picture like this and like this and then like this. And then he's trying to get a

[D]

golden ticket from Tony right now.

[C]

Joe derosa.

[B]

I'm going to ask the question. I feel like we're all wondering.

[C]

Go ahead.

[B]

Can we pop this shirt off and see what he's.

[C]

I mean, I. I think we need to kino. Give us that single spotlight here. Ladies and gentlemen, if you're wondering what a Nebraska supermodel looks like, he moved to my. Wow. I mean. Yeah, they were right. Put it back on.

[L]

It's not great.

[C]

Wow. My goodness. Your nipples are too small for us. Yes. This is, as you could tell.

[B]

Yeah, his agent. His agent's like, they're looking for a Joe List type.

[C]

I'm getting worried that Matt Muling thinks he's hotter than this model. Is it true? Matt, you want to take your shirt off? Oh, I think he does. I think he does. The normally very shy Matt Muling is threatening to steal the show from accredited model Thomas La Mountain. Maybe a little faster, Matt. Maybe a little faster. This guy's. Take off your shirt. The show's gone gay. Take off shirt. This is the gay show.

[A]

Whoa. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Wow.

[C]

Your nipples kill Tony. The gayest show on planet Earth. All right, who's next, boys? Fernando Castillo.

[B]

All right, I nominate Heidi.

[C]

Heidi, get out here. No. Let's put a shirt on her. Let's give her a hoodie. Cover up, girl. All right, Thomas, how do you make money now?

[L]

Right now, I'm actually. It's a shitty job. I work for CPS right now. Wait, I don't like it either.

[C]

What exactly is that?

[L]

It's child protective.

[C]

Oh, hilarious.

[B]

Wow.

[L]

Yeah.

[C]

Maybe you've met Joe DeRosa or Josh

[B]

Sussman, because they thought he said CBS booing Colbert, right?

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[L]

I'm a redactive clerk. So what happens is, like, children who, like, were in foster care, they'll, like,

[C]

ask for, like, Joe Derosa.

[L]

Like, Joe. Were you in foster care?

[B]

No, I was just adopted.

[C]

Yeah, no, he didn't. He didn't. They Didn't. They didn't want him lingering around. He went straight to consumer.

[B]

No, they farmed. They cut off to us. By the way, I was adopted at nine days. They got me the fuck out. Yeah, it was a hard cut off.

[C]

Yeah, you're like a Nebraska model in Miami. I got a kid. We need to get you out of here.

[B]

I can be honest. I'm not sure I'm an American citizen.

[C]

So what exactly is a redactive clerk doing?

[L]

So I pretty much get the entire, like, case record for someone who was in foster care, and I have to read all the horrible things, and then I take out all the things that, like, they're not entitled to see, and then I give it to them. But honestly, I don't think I should be entitled to see it either.

[C]

So let me get this right. Yeah, there's a foster home that, like. And they have, like, a report on the kid.

[L]

So, like, you know, like. Yeah. So, like, why were you adopted?

[C]

Well, I mean, look at them.

[L]

Why'd your parents not want you?

[B]

I'm sure everything was going really well on their end and. Yeah, up. I don't know. I think they.

[C]

They just, you know, he cried too much. He came out of the womb crying, and he never stopped crying.

[B]

I can do my first adopted joke. Ask me. Ask me if I ever look for my real parents.

[L]

Have you ever looked for your real parents?

[C]

No.

[B]

I pretty much took the hint.

[L]

Jonah Rose, everybody.

[B]

Thank you. That was my minute.

[C]

Joe rosa, comedy on YouTube.

[B]

On YouTube.

[C]

Okay, so can you give us an example of something that you had to redact that you wouldn't want a potential foster parent to see about a problem? The type of problem children that you're trying to push on people.

[L]

It's mainly, like, the kids asking for, like, their records of why they were taken from their home. So it's a lot of, like, I just get to read a lot about, you know, fun stuff like child abuse and people getting molested, and that's not great stuff.

[C]

So you don't let them see what happened to them?

[L]

No, they can see what happened to them, but they can't see, like, what happened to their siblings and. And stuff like that. Or, like, medical records? It's mostly, like, Social Security numbers that I take out, but I still get to read all the horrible stuff.

[D]

Do you do this job shirtless?

[L]

It is work from home, so, yes.

[C]

Wow. But you. You're like a publicist for babies.

[B]

Kind of like, you're. You're making it say to the kids, I'm a model I get rejection. I get it.

[L]

No, but that's the thing too. Why I don't think I should be doing this job, because when I send them back their case, I had to, like, put my name on the bottom so they could just like easily look up my name and see my Instagram where it's just like stand up clips and shirtless pictures of me, right? And they'll be like, this guy redacted my shit.

[D]

Yeah, this okay looking. Okay guy.

[L]

This Jeffrey Dahmer looking ass guy redacted my stuff.

[D]

This guy, who probably shouldn't be a model and is an okay joke writer.

[B]

I want to compliment your stand up for a second. I really do, because I thought it was very funny. But I really, I mean this. I really admired that you got the meow and you had the poise and the confidence to know you were going to land the rest of that joke before the second buzzer went off.

[L]

Thank you.

[C]

Well, no, that was. I do got to tell you, I. I backed Red Band off of the Bear. He was very rare with it. Very rare that I do it, but I could tell that he was at the end of the third. Oh, I gave him. We gave him a.

[B]

All right.

[C]

Never four or five seconds. Didn't really appreciate you. Of course. It was blatantly the end of your material. What's your love life like?

[L]

I got kind of like a little friends with benefits thing going on.

[C]

It's his cat. Oh, macaroni, huh?

[L]

Yeah. Great pussy.

[C]

No, no wonder. It's no wonder it's throwing up so often. So tell us about this friend with benefits. Where did you meet this friend?

[L]

I met this friend in Miami. And then I was like, hey, I'm going to move to Austin, Texas. And she's like, oh, my God, me too.

[C]

Wow.

[L]

And I was like, you shouldn't do that. And then she did, regardless.

[C]

Amazing. And that just goes on and on

[L]

and it goes on. And I was like, oh, I want to kind of do comedy. And she's like, okay, do you want to, like, still have sex? And I'm like, yeah, that'd be awesome.

[C]

So how often does this happen?

[L]

Like once a week.

[C]

Okay. And she comes to your place or you go to hers?

[L]

I go to hers because I do a lot of snap downtown and she lives closer. I live way up north right now.

[C]

Perfect. Okay, so you go in. Do you hang out for a bit beforehand or you guys just get right to it?

[E]

Oh, no.

[C]

You really friends or is it just benefits?

[L]

No, no, we're actually friends. I enjoy hanging out with her a lot. We watch movies. We were just watching the James Bond movies recently and stuff.

[C]

Okay. All right. That's an odd thing to drop. I guess you're. I guess you're really hoping she watches this.

[L]

And I'm really hoping she doesn'.

[C]

Actually, it's going to be great. So where do you see this friendship with benefits going?

[L]

Hoping it probably will just turn into friends soon.

[C]

There you go. Why is that? Are the benefits wearing off on you? You kind of used to the benefits?

[L]

No, I just think that, you know, she probably has more feelings for me. And I'm like, oh. And that's not healthy, you know, that's not good. And I. I'm. I'm a. I'm a people pleaser at my core. And I'm like, I gotta. This needs to stop.

[C]

We just saw you with your shirt off. You don't have much of a core. Yeah. Or nipples. Got him. No, you're great. Thomas. Fun times, my friend. I loved your set. Great stuff. Congratulations. That's a big joke book, Thomas. La Mountain, everybody. His Kill Tony debut. Back to the Bucket with we go, it goes on and on. Can't understand how we last so long. Your next Bucket poll goes by the name of Priya Blunts, everyone. It's Priya Blunts. Make some noise for Priya, everybody.

[I]

Make some noise if you love your mother. Hell yeah, I love my mother, but that is crazy. I. I overheard her on the phone with customer service the other day, and she was so pissed. So pissed that they had given her an Indian. Somebody with an Indian accent. And she was so pissed that she demanded an American. Yeah. And then that American did not understand her Indian accent. Yeah. When I was 17, I got arrested. And like an Indian mother, her first instinct when she saw me there in the precinct was to just slap me across the face. And the cop had to pull one of these. He was like, nope, didn't see it. Didn't see it. And then she slapped me again. And then she slapped me again. And that's when the cop was like, ma', am, I'm gonna need you to stop because if you keep going, I do have to pay you and give you a badge. I remember before my wedding, my mom threw a tantrum because she told me there's no such thing as a traditional Indian bride with bangs. She told me. And so together on the spot, we had to Google Indian bride bangs.

[A]

Hey.

[I]

And you know what? None of those girls had bangs.

[C]

Good job, Priya. You've been on this show before.

[I]

Just one Time.

[C]

Yeah, but that was much better than the last time, right? Oh, you think so? Okay.

[I]

Yeah, it did. Yeah. That was good.

[C]

I normally would have just said yes on that and moved on with the momentum that I was gifting you.

[I]

Thank you.

[C]

But if you want to argue about whether or not that was better than your last set, we can't. No, I'm kidding. Great job, Priya. You've been working hard.

[I]

Hell, yeah.

[C]

How long you been doing stand up?

[I]

It'll be six years this December.

[C]

And the last time you were. Was. Were on was a couple years ago?

[I]

No, it was about a year and a half ago.

[C]

Okay, that's basically a couple of years ago. Perfect.

[M]

Wow.

[C]

Wow. You seem like you'd be a real friend with benefits. So, Priya, what do you do for a living right now?

[I]

I don't do anything for a living. I've been trying to do stand up and acting full time for the past. For the past three months. I do a lot of background acting work. I do some man on the street content. So if you see me harassing people on the streets of New York. No, you didn't.

[C]

So you're in New York City.

[I]

Yeah, I've been between New York and here. I've been between New York and here. And I am looking for a roommate in Austin if anybody else is looking.

[C]

Yes, if anybody wants the good old Indian roommate, you know, I will make the place smell.

[I]

I will. I swear to God. I cook. I cook a lot.

[C]

Yeah, I love it. I love it. Nothing better.

[I]

We knew that joke was coming.

[C]

Roommate. Okay, so Priya, tell the people what would be, what makes you a great roommate. See if we can't get you a roommate here.

[I]

I'm actually a really shitty roommate. I keep really. I keep terrible hours. I cook a lot. I don't do the dishes. So it's just vibe I bring. I have a lot of weed. That's my.

[C]

Wow.

[I]

That's my redeeming quality as a roommate.

[C]

What do you cook? A lot of. Give us some. Give us some of the menu of Priya Blunts.

[I]

You know what I've been really into right now is making like tuna ceviche.

[C]

Oh, perfect. I mean, again, I see a lot of people, really. I see some couple, even some couples are talking about inviting you to live in their household right now. Tuna ceviche with dirty dishes in the sink. D Madness is literally leaving. He can't stand. He can't stand.

[D]

Well, his sense of smell is.

[C]

Yeah, it's like Tunis. See you later. All right, Priya, how Much is. How much is the rent? Matt Muling wants to know that you're paying right now.

[I]

Wait, what?

[C]

What? How much is how. Wait, no, you don't have a. Do you have a place here?

[I]

I don't.

[C]

So you where. Like, on a night like tonight, where do you sleep?

[I]

In an Airbnb?

[C]

Okay. Right, Matt, get in there, man. Yeah. Matt, wait. You do kind of have a type, don't you?

[I]

I swear to God, I'm not homeless. I swear to God. I do live out of a suitcase, but I am not homeless.

[C]

Yeah. Wow. Okay. He lives out of a guitar case. So you guys can be basically equals.

[B]

I'm. I know, I know, Priya. We're friends and. But I. I've never been on the show when you've been on the show, so I wasn't expecting to see you come out here, but I was very relieved that you had such a good set because it sucks when somebody, you know, comes out and they eat ass. That was great. I thought it was great. I'm not just saying that. I thought it was great.

[I]

Oh, thank you.

[B]

You're welcome.

[I]

Yeah, I'd be working on this. I'd be working on this.

[C]

Very good.

[I]

Hi, Lewis.

[C]

Hi. How are you, Priya? I'm good, yeah. You guys all know each other from New York City, huh? Yeah, world.

[D]

World friends.

[I]

Are we?

[C]

I don't know.

[D]

I've never met Priya in my entire life. I just. Anytime somebody says hi to me, I act like I know them.

[I]

I did Skank Fest last year.

[C]

Oh,

[B]

I met her at Skank Fest.

[C]

What's with the bangs, though? Have you always had those horrible great questions?

[I]

Had them since I was literally two years old. Literally two years old. And I never got rid of it.

[C]

You have a big forehead or something.

[I]

Actually, it's a pretty normal sized forehead.

[C]

Well, you're not pulling it all the way back. Exactly. Oh, there it is. All right. Yeah.

[L]

Okay.

[C]

It's kind of misshapen. All right, Priya, so what is a fun fact about your life? Are both your parents Indian?

[I]

Yes, they are.

[C]

Okay. And what do they think about you doing stand up?

[I]

They really don't like it. They think it ruined my life and they think it drove my ex husband away.

[C]

Okay. What did your ex husband do for a living? What's he like?

[I]

He's a crypto bro. He was a Russian crypto bro.

[C]

He's Russian?

[I]

Yeah, I speak fluent Russian.

[D]

Can you say he was rushing out of that relationship?

[C]

Yeah.

[K]

It was me.

[I]

I left him. I left him.

[C]

Wow, look at that. Was John. John D's. Wow. Holy. Oh, my God.

[A]

Damn.

[I]

I feel like that was queued up for anything. I would have said like that.

[C]

Damn. I gave Red Band such a slap of approval. He's literally like, it wasn't me. Love that. Amazing. Holy. So did you only learn Russian because you were with him?

[K]

Yeah.

[I]

Why the else would somebody learn?

[C]

I mean, I don't know. It's like a chicken or the egg type of thing. Maybe you knew. Maybe you learned Russian somewhere where you were. Could have been.

[I]

No. And now it's the most useless language to know for no reason.

[B]

How long was that relationship that you learned Russian?

[I]

I was married to my high school sweetheart. Yes.

[C]

I was that. Okay, so you went to high school with him? Yeah.

[I]

So we were together for a total of 14 years.

[C]

Holy. And how long ago did this end?

[I]

About two years ago. Two and a half years ago.

[C]

Someone just broke a beer bottle over their head about two years ago. So it must be hard learning how to date and be with new people.

[I]

Yeah, I'm not really doing great. I'm not really doing great. Actually, I'm doing not so bad right now. I'm seeing an older man.

[C]

Okay.

[I]

Yeah, we're getting through these daddy issues one Blue Chew at a time. God damn it. Yes.

[C]

Okay. Wait, what?

[I]

I said, we're getting through these daddy issues one bluechew at a time.

[C]

Okay. One Blue Chew at a time. So it's an older guy. White guy?

[I]

No.

[C]

Whoa. Black guy. Yeah. Okay. Wow. Damn. Surprised? They're surprised. They need Blue Chews. I always picture them being fully operational. But that reminds me, if you do need Blue Chew, use promo code [e-mail].

[D]

i love it.

[C]

Perfect. Yes. We love it. It works all the time. And remember, boys and girls, if you're about to come too fast, picture red Band and a red cowboy hat. Last much longer. Goes both ways. Blue Chew and red Band, a perfect combination. All right, Supriya, tell us about this older black man. What does he do? Is there a reason why D Madness walked away when you came up on stage?

[I]

He's an older man. You know, he's an older dude. He.

[C]

Oh, we just.

[I]

He actually did spend some time in prison.

[C]

That is a. Wow. What did he do to get put in prison?

[I]

It was gun charges.

[C]

Gun charges. Okay.

[I]

I shouldn't really be talking about this.

[C]

No, it's great. It's fantastic. It's very compelling podcasting. So you've been with him for about how long?

[I]

It's been about four or five months.

[C]

Where did you Meet him at exactly.

[I]

I met him backstage at a show. He's not a comedian, but he's a writer. Yeah. That's all I'm gonna say.

[C]

Wow. Is that what he said to you when he met you?

[A]

Yeah.

[I]

Yeah. Hey, he actually did suggest today that we elope. And I don't know how to feel about it.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

I do. It's a not a good idea.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

The gun charges, writer, five months. Don't elope. Just let it breathe a bit.

[I]

You know what it is? I feel like I did everything right. I did everything right the first time. Married my high school sweetheart, picture perfect everything, you know? And it just didn't. It didn't work out, so why the fuck not?

[D]

That's not the right thing. You're not supposed to marry your high school sweetheart. You're supposed to date them and then break up with them in college and fuck a bunch of people and experience life and then get married when you're, like, 35 to somebody you settled for.

[I]

Well, that's why.

[C]

That's true. That is. Louis J. Gomez should be writing a book on how to live life.

[I]

Yeah. So I do feel like, in some ways, I'm doing my 20s now because I feel like I did my 30s in my 20s. Does that make sense?

[C]

Are you talking about his prison sentences? 20s to 30s?

[I]

All right, I'm making all the mistakes of somebody in their 20s.

[C]

Got. No, I got it. I was trying to make a prison sentence stroke there. It didn't really come across as clear. How long are you in Austin, Texas for?

[I]

I'm leaving tomorrow, actually.

[C]

Oh, okay. And. And this boyfriend of yours, does he travel with you?

[I]

No, but he's between, like, New York and LA a lot, so I move around a lot. He moves around a lot.

[C]

It works out okay. And final question. What is your favorite thing about being with a black man that's different than a white man? Pretty easy question.

[I]

I mean, there's definitely a lot of things. But I want to say, his confidence.

[C]

Wow. That is not what I thought you were going to say.

[B]

Emphasis on con.

[C]

And you know what? I was going to give you a normal, big, regular leather joke book, but Bonsai just so happened to make a black one, so congratulations. That is aged fine black leather, which is exactly what you're going home to tomorrow.

[I]

Thank you, guys.

[C]

There she goes. Priya, plunge, everybody. We're having fun here tonight. You guys having a good time? All right, I'm gonna fly through another bucket full here. Make some noise, ladies and gentlemen, for Davey Jackson. Here comes Davey Jackson.

[M]

What's up, y'?

[A]

All?

[M]

I was at a party in Los Angeles recently, Boo. I was there with my friend. She's a Chinese immigrant lesbian. And that's not important for the story, but I just need you to know I'm a good person. So we're at this party, really fancy party. They had drink menus and everything. And Ling. Ling walks up to me in the middle of the party, and she goes, hey, Davey. She had an accent, but I'm not gonna do the accent, obviously. She goes, hey, Davey, what's this drink on the menu? A Negro knee. Jesus Christ.

[E]

Ling.

[M]

Ling, lower your voice, first of all, all right? It's called a Negroni. All right? She goes, oh, Negroni. Is that a drink for black people? No, dude, it's not a drink for black people. That's Hennessy, and they don't have that at this party. That's why it's such a quiet party, all right? We don't name our drinks after the people that drink them. You know what I mean? Except for, like, White Zinfandel, White Claw, White Russians. But aside from that, dude, that's it. Thank y', all.

[C]

Davey Jackson. All of that checks out. Welcome back, Davey. You've been on the show quite a few times.

[B]

Four times.

[C]

Yeah, four times. How's life been going for you? What's new?

[M]

It's been pretty good, dude. I almost got arrested at the airport recently.

[C]

Tell us about it.

[M]

I had a gun in my backpack.

[C]

Ooh, that'll do it.

[M]

Yeah, I forgot it was in there.

[C]

Yeah, they got me. They got you. So.

[B]

And you almost. You didn't get arrested?

[M]

No, dude, I'm white.

[L]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Gonna say it's racism in action happening right now.

[N]

Yeah.

[C]

When you live in Texas long enough, it'll happen to you too. You end up with a gun in your backpack from, like, a trip that you took or whatever, and then you accidentally forget the to take it out. It ends up somewhere, and then you're in the airport, and then you just have to. You just have to take it to your car. And then. Then you go back in through tsa. They. Even if. If you're me, they just take you right to the front. They're like, we'll take it. And then you're good, right? You had to take up to your car or.

[M]

No, no, I'm guessing through the X ray thing. So they confiscated the gun and took me down into the airport dungeon, and they. They interrogated me.

[C]

I guess there's levels to whiteness. There's Levels to this that I don't have to worry about. So how long did you spend down there? Did you make your flight?

[M]

I did, yeah. I actually made my flight. They confiscated the gun.

[C]

I mean, seriously, if I was a black guy listening to this, I'd be like, this man made his flight. That's even impressive to me.

[M]

Yeah, one of the cops gave me

[D]

your number two punching air right now.

[C]

Okay, so. And you made your flight?

[D]

Yeah.

[M]

Wow. They find me, they said it was going to be ten grand, but actually, one of the. One of the TSA people recognized me from this show.

[C]

Yeah.

[M]

And I only got fined 1500. Wow, that was pretty sick. Yeah. Didn't catch a felony, either.

[C]

That is a huge deduction, boy.

[M]

It's free.

[C]

Amazing.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

The Kill Tony touch, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, I got coupon code. It is bring a gun to an airport. Remember Blue Chew. Use the promo code Tony. And if you get caught with a gun at TSA, promo code, kill Tony. Save 85 on your fines at an airport. Oh, look at this D Madness. All right, so, Davey, what else is going on on? Tell us about your love life. Are you still trying to hang out with dangerous Latino women? I remember that being a fetish of yours. Gotten stabbed before by a wild Latino.

[M]

You know what? She died.

[A]

Whoa.

[M]

Yeah, dude.

[C]

Holy. Yeah, she did.

[M]

It's very sad, very tragic, obviously, but she's dead now.

[C]

Wow. Amazing. How did she die? Drugs. You were.

[A]

You.

[C]

You had a pain pill problem.

[M]

I didn't do it. I had nothing to do with it. It was cancer. She died of cancer.

[C]

Wow. Amazing. Regular old cancer. She got her, dude out of nowhere.

[M]

Karma's a, you know.

[C]

Interesting, interesting. What kind of cancer?

[M]

Cancer, Cancer.

[L]

Boob.

[M]

No, no, it was not boob cancer. Thank God, you know?

[C]

Wow. Interesting.

[B]

Okay, you don't know the type of cancer.

[M]

I wasn't with her. Like, I just found out that she died.

[B]

Oh, yeah. He might ask a question or two.

[M]

She stabbed me, bro.

[B]

Oh, she did?

[M]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Oh, did you say that already? Or was that from last time?

[M]

Tony.

[C]

Last time. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, okay. What'd she stab you for?

[D]

Being a white guy with gold teeth.

[C]

She went through your phone when you were sleeping.

[M]

That's exactly right.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that sounds right.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Huh.

[B]

Where'd she stab you?

[M]

Right up in here.

[C]

Yeah. Again, all of this, this is. If anyone's ever dated a Latina woman before. This is just very common. You can't. You simply have to pro tip. Put your phone in between the mattress and the box spring while you sleep. You can't hide it under a pillow. You can't leave it on a charger. Lewis, you know about this?

[D]

Oh, I know. Well, I put it in my pillowcase and then I wrapped a pillowcase up. She has to jerk my entire body off of it in order to get.

[M]

Oh, I thought you were gonna hit her with it. Okay. No, that's the right thing to do.

[C]

Yeah. That's how you give him cancer. Hitting him with a pillowcase with an iPhone in. It's how you get brain.

[M]

Keys will get you.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Davey, anything else crazy we should know about your life before getting you out of here?

[M]

No, dude, I just got back from Portland and Seattle. That was kind of weird. Yeah, I saw all the protesters out there.

[C]

Yeah, that's all they do.

[M]

They were all.

[C]

They have a lot of time on their hands, these protesters. Pretty crazy, right? Yeah, it was.

[M]

It was weird. It was really, really weird. I interviewed some fat ladies.

[B]

They were.

[M]

They were actually pretty cool.

[C]

Okay.

[M]

Yeah, no one threw anything at me, but there's definitely. There's definitely some antifa shit going on out there.

[C]

It. It's a real thing and that's where they exist, thank God. We like to keep them up there in Lower Canada. Portland and Seattle. Yes, where they belong. Getting cleansed by God himself with never ending rain and clouds. And there's a wolf there for some reason. And an alien. All right, very good. Thank you. Red Banner. Wow, Davey, you already have a big joke book.

[M]

I do have a big full. Oh, yeah.

[C]

All right, here's another one. There you go. Davey Jackson, ladies and gentlemen. Onto the next one we go, everybody. And we are in for indeed a special treat. This is one of the elite golden ticket winners of the history of the entire show. He took a golden ticket here, which is a great show. This is watched by Howie Mandel, who decides who's on America's Got Talent, got on America's Got Talent and was the runner up of an entire season. Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a while. This is the return and a new minute from Aaron Belial, everybody. Aaron Belial. Aaron Belial. Yeah, it's just going to be another seven and a half minutes, everybody. Here we go. Aaron Belial. Aaron Belial. You guys got to keep playing when that. Tim, it takes a while. Oh, Aaron.

[O]

Ah, he wants to see me do some crowd work. Well, I can't talk, so you're not fucking gonna. Fine, I'll give it a try. Hello, random person who I'm never gonna see again. What's your Name. That's a stupid name. Talk to someone else. What about you? What's your name?

[H]

Abby.

[O]

Hello, insert name here. What do you do for work? Just so everyone can hear. Insert name here. Said they work as an insert job here. Do you like insert job here?

[C]

Hello, insert name here. What do you do for work?

[O]

Depending on what you said, I'm either happy for you or sad for you. Just kidding. I don't really give a fuck. My crowd work is great. It's just people awkwardly staring at me, waiting to hear what next fucked up thing will come out of my mouth. Phone. My mom fucking loves Tylenol.

[C]

Aaron Belial.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Amazing. Fantastic. And a great analysis of what crowd work is. Let's check in with the great Joe derosa.

[B]

Aaron, this is the only time in my life I will ever be allowed to say this. You are pushing the boundaries of iPhone comedy in ways I didn't know were possible. It's very good. It's very good.

[O]

Now say the N word,

[C]

Aaron. It is incredible. That is amazing. Aaron's been thriving. He's doing comedy all the time, selling tickets. He's on the road.

[D]

He's got a whole new swag to him as well. Like, dude, what's going. You got a. You got a sleeve on your arm. You got a nice watch on, a gold necklace on.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

What is happening with you? Are you Puerto Rican now?

[C]

He's been on the road with Steve O. Yeah, he's been opening for Steve. Okay.

[O]

I suck your cock.

[C]

Wow, look at that. I think he was expecting me to ask a question. He had that loaded up already. It is amazing. You've been on the road with Steve O And continuously. I mean, every day. It seems. Steve O has an incredible work ethic. And he came back. Indeed, with a giant gold chain. It is incredible. And now he's going to respond.

[O]

I got to tattoo Steve O's assistant on tour. We duct taped a tattoo gun to my claw and I went to town.

[C]

Oh, my God. You did it with that hand. Jesus Christ.

[B]

What's it look like?

[C]

Yeah, what does the tattoo look? I mean, we know what it. It looks like. Shit, I'm sure. What was it supposed to be?

[O]

I'll send you a picture.

[C]

All right. Perfect. Amazing.

[D]

Does Steve O just like. Does Steve O just put. Put you in shopping carts and push you down half pipes all the time? That's what I assume it would be like, hanging out with Steve O.

[B]

What's incredible about Aaron is this is all we. This is how we all thought Steve O would end.

[O]

We Were traveling in his rv and we can't use the bathroom in it. And I had the brilliant idea of getting Indian food at 11 at night.

[E]

Oh.

[O]

So we had to use the bushes. I can't squat, so Steve O. Had to hold me up while I took a shit in the bush.

[C]

Oh, my God. It sounds like you guys have a true story. Yeah, no, we believe it. We definitely believe it. It's easy to believe Steve O stories. We love Steve O. He's been on the show numerous times. And you guys are just a perfect match for each other. It seems like you guys really have fun. Your service dogs get along with each other. It's a match made in heaven. It is incredible. Oh, he has something he really wants to fucking say. Look at this shit. Look at this motherfucker type. It looks like he's getting in the last second bets before a UFC fight. Real degenerate. DraftKings, by the way, draftkings, use the promo code. Kill Tony. Oh, wait. What?

[O]

No, clear.

[C]

Oh, clear. Whoa. I don't think we were supposed to hear that.

[M]

Go ahead.

[O]

My dog sleeps in his bed.

[C]

Not with me. Wow, even your dog knows about those residual checks that he's getting. What is seven and a half Jackass movies?

[O]

I put him down yesterday.

[C]

Perfect. Perfect, perfect. Amazing. Anything else crazy we should know about, Aaron? What else is going on?

[O]

I got a full back tattoo like, an hour ago in a hotel by some big Mexican guy.

[C]

No, you didn't.

[B]

Really?

[C]

No way. This guy's living a wild life right now.

[B]

I see the tattoo tape.

[C]

Drum roll, please. Oh, my. My God. He really did.

[D]

Aaron has five times as good of a body as that model.

[C]

But those nipples. You could be a model in Miami. Aaron, that is an incredible observation. Oh, I want to see how this next part of the. Oh, yeah, there it is. Service dog Joe Derosa. It's gonna be. That's a good boy.

[D]

Derosa's never. Derosa's never had to put a guy's clothes on his body.

[C]

There you go. Amazing.

[B]

I can't get over how fast he can type. I'm able bodied. I can't send one text without a typo in it. Every text I send, I'm like, fuck.

[C]

Fuck.

[B]

No, not that fuck. This is crazy how accurate you are.

[C]

He's gotten really good at it.

[O]

I have a really bad fever, man.

[C]

Wait, what?

[B]

Wait, what?

[C]

You have a fever right now. What?

[O]

That hotel was a bad idea.

[B]

The hotel? No, the back tattoo. You have an infection right now.

[C]

You have a fever right now. For real? John D. Says he's foaming at the mouth.

[B]

He always does that.

[C]

That's a normal thing. That's part of the condition.

[B]

Wait, wait.

[C]

Oh, he's making a noise.

[B]

You said you had a fever. Hold on. What is it?

[C]

He's pointing at John. Is it jungle fever?

[O]

Hey, say the word.

[C]

No, Aaron. No, no, we're not saying the N word. Make some noise for Aaron. Bio. Ladies and gentlemen, an unbelievable set. Reigning, defending undisputed, golden ticket winner.

[B]

Does he really have a fever, though?

[C]

You really do. What the. Out.

[B]

Maybe we should switch this mic up.

[C]

Jesus Christ.

[B]

Every time there's a sick person, I'm on the end.

[C]

Yeah, it's true.

[B]

God damn it, man.

[C]

It's true. And by the way, you know, we don't know exactly what he has, but I can tell you, last week he was a professional bodybuilder, so you'll be just fine. You just might lose your voice and have a curled up arm. All right, we're having fun here tonight. We're back to the bucket, and this looks like a fun name. Make some noise. 62nd. UN, uninterrupted set. Going to Soda Pop, everyone. It's Soda Pop. All right,

[J]

Austin. You having fun tonight? Let's go. The city is gorgeous. I mean, you guys are absolutely beautiful. I just left that dump they call Knoxville. Let me tell you guys, that place is dirty. I mean, there's trash and garbage all over the place. Everywhere I go, everywhere I look, the streets are literally riddled with litter. But not here, though. Not in Boston. As a matter of fact, ever since I've shown up, I haven't seen one Puerto Rican. Yeah, I know, it's a little insensitive. I might have a couple of screws loose, you know, I'm working on now. I got a therapist now. Come to find out, I got this whole multi personality schizophrenia thing going on. So, you know, I got that going for me. Hey, that reminds me. If you or a loved one is experiencing some type of existential crisis, perhaps it's time you try. Was it Talkspace or betterhelp Talkspace? Perhaps it's time you should try Talkspace. Talkspace will match you with a licensed therapist within minutes. Don't forget to use promo code Hill Tony at checkout. Love you guys. Thank you.

[C]

All right. Soda Pop. Jesus Christ.

[B]

Sorry about that. The guy's an inch away from me going, I'm a schizo noid parent. Scared shitless. Right now,

[C]

just sick.

[B]

I'm sorry about that.

[C]

It's okay. Jesus Christ. Flip the on off. Switch on that monitor. Yeah, you got.

[D]

You just missed something, guys. So Soda Pop just flung his headband at this hot chick in the front row, and she caught it and made its face of disgust and threw it back at it.

[C]

Wow. That is incredible.

[J]

Thank you.

[C]

Can we get Heidi and some towels out here before this whole table explodes? There is a lot of electricity running through this thing.

[J]

Oh, I'm feeling electric tonight.

[C]

No, Soda Pop use sucks. Soda Pop, let me just tell you, I was. I was gonna wait until the. The cleaning was over, but I'll tell you, since you wanted to jump on and say you had an electric set, that was crazy bad. You went through it like you've rehearsed it a specific way, maybe, you know. Yeah, I have. Are you new at. Are you new at stand up?

[N]

Literally?

[J]

Yeah, just started, man. I'm looking for a mentor, you know, I'm trying to develop this whole multi schizo personality.

[B]

I got news for you. You'll be looking for a mento,

[D]

because he's.

[C]

Come on, folks. Makes perfect sense. Okay. A singular mento. I've never even heard it called that before. Okay, Soda Pop, has. Have you been diagnosed as schizophrenic from a professional, or is this.

[J]

You could say that. Somebody you know? It's a doctor. You know, actually, you're familiar with this doctor, Dr. Jordan Peterson. Have you heard of him?

[C]

Yes, yes, Dr. Jordan.

[J]

So I was spiraling down the depths of hell, and I came across a book called we who Wrestle with God, which is [e-mail] don't forget to use promo code. Kill Tony. But I came across this book, and that inspired me to kind of just come out here and give this. Give this a shot.

[C]

Okay, so you read a book?

[J]

I did.

[C]

And that. He didn't. He didn't. He didn't diagnose you with this?

[J]

No, but if. No, no, no, no.

[C]

You read a book.

[J]

This whole ide.

[K]

This.

[J]

Just follow me here. So this whole Skitso thing is part of the bit of developing different characters that I can incorporate on. Because this whole Soda Pop thing comes from me being a white greaser. White trash piece of.

[C]

Right. Where?

[J]

Orlando, Florida.

[C]

Orlando, Florida.

[J]

Of course. Yeah. Get that down. I actually got robbed by Cam Patterson. You'd love it,

[C]

Soda Pop. Let's check in with Lis J. Gomez.

[D]

They. I don't know what it is, dude. Like, you're the most hable person I've ever met in my entire life.

[C]

It is kind of crazy. I hate.

[D]

I hate every one of your personalities.

[J]

Yeah, A Lot like my doctor, dude.

[C]

But you don't have a doctor.

[J]

Actually, I do, thanks to Talk Space.

[C]

Do you? No.

[J]

Yes, I. Yeah.

[C]

Do you really. Do you really talk to somebody on an online therapist platform? I mean, it's a yes, sir.

[J]

I know, right? Currently, no. Have I.

[C]

Yes.

[J]

I don't know what kind of question.

[C]

It's a very easy question. I'm going to ask you another easy question, Soda Pop. Let's check. Oh, wait. You okay? How old are you?

[J]

I'm 35.

[C]

35. That's a straight answer. We're getting warmer here. How do you. No, no, no, no, no, no. How do you make money, Soda Pop? How do you make money? What do you do?

[J]

Well, recently I got a job at the Lucky Duck. I also recently got fired at the Lucky Duck.

[C]

Okay. All right, Soda Poppy.

[J]

This is a true fucking story.

[C]

Is it a story?

[J]

Dude, I'm telling you the truth. I walked in there and asked them if they needed a doorman. They were like, yeah, we got you. They put me on shift. I did well. But apparently they don't want me making out with chicks and finger banging them in the speaker.

[C]

All right, all right. Here's a little joke book, Soda Pop. There you go. There goes Soda Pop, everybody. Absolutely inconsolable.

[B]

Can I. Oh, man.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Can I?

[C]

Soda Pop might be one of the worst of the year.

[B]

Can I explain what made me spill that drink?

[C]

Oh, no, we. It made perfect sense. If you notice, I didn't get upset or flinch or anything. I'm like, I would have. It would have happened to anybody. You're sick, man.

[B]

No, first he said, I'm a paranoid schizophrenic. And then during his set, he dropped the mic fully down and just started talking without the microphone.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And it scared the living out of me.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

It was so crazy.

[C]

It made perfect sense. Meanwhile, you know, Aaron Belial built his little mountain of Bluetooths, and there was no spill whatsoever. And. And. But that guy. It made sense. Yeah. No. All right, moving on. You guys still out there? Anything can happen. As you know, clearly, this show. Anything can happen. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. It's Diedrich Flynn, everyone. Diedrich Flynn.

[A]

What you know about being able to beat the last level of Sonic the Hedgehog while you a kid, but they come repo the TV while you playing it? Cause your friend's mama stopped having sex with the nigga from Rent A Center. Yeah. Yeah. Y' all know shit about me. What? You know about your uncle getting caught with a felony amount of Stolen Febreze plug ins that he stole from the local target. Like, thousands and thousands of them. And the only reason why the cops found him is cause he had them plugged into every single outlet. So his light bill was $10,000 and his house reeked of ocean breeze. Yeah, you'll know shit about my life. Y' all know me. Fuck you. I'm from Atlanta, Georgia. I moved to Austin to take down Tesla. Y' all fuck with Teslas. And I know there's a lot of white people in here. Y' all love Tesla. Cause most white people is robots.

[C]

All right?

[A]

That's not me being racist. I saw 13 Terminator movies. I never saw a black robot. I never saw a Mexican robot, any of them. I see that. Hell, yeah. Yo, we got. What we do is. What we do is we meet every Thursday. Y' all come meet me this Thursday. We go to rich neighborhoods and we unplug Teslas. We unplug Tesla. What's happening?

[C]

Oh, shit. Ladies and gentlemen.

[A]

What's up in this?

[C]

Wow. Oh, my God.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, What a difference five minutes makes. We went from soda pop to diabetes. Yeah. Holy. The black storm from Atlanta, Georgia has arrived. Diedrich Flynn.

[A]

Dedrick, though.

[C]

Oh, okay. Dedrick Diedrich.

[A]

My student loan name.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Oh,

[C]

Dedrick. Oh, my God. Yeah.

[B]

That was. How long have you been doing comedy?

[A]

12 years.

[B]

12 years. Dude, you're a beast. Don't. I'm telling. You're a beast. Don't it up with drugs or alcohol being an. I'm serious. That's the only way people it up. You're so good. You have so much.

[D]

Derosa's talking to himself right now.

[C]

Yeah, yeah,

[A]

yeah. I don't got them kind of problems, but I appreciate all that. Nice. You were saying?

[B]

Listen, don't be like me, okay? Serious, dude. You're a demon, dude.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

I gotta tell you, Joe, that was one of the most accidentally racist things I've ever heard in my life. He's like, you're doing good. Don't it up with drugs and alcohol and too much Kool Aid. And don't go choking on chicken bones or anything like that.

[B]

I really. I mean it sincerely. Guys with immense talent can only it up by getting in their own way. Dude, you're so good. Dude, that's incredible. I'm serious. You're. You are incredible.

[C]

Thank y'. All.

[B]

Yeah. I'm telling you.

[C]

Thank you.

[D]

You're, like, legit. Like, it wasn't like, what you were doing. I don't even know how much of that Was like, in your act, but it was like. It wasn't like, refined stand up. It was just genuinely funny, like, you can't teach what you have, which is just like, you came out. You just own this room. That's the type of confidence that you need to really blow up. And congratulations, because that's great.

[A]

Thank you so goddamn much for that.

[K]

Yeah.

[A]

Nah, but I wrote that shit. I ain't gonna let you get away with that. I wrote the out that joke. I just performed good as a.

[C]

All right.

[A]

I work hard, but that's.

[B]

You're damn right, that's the brilliance of it is when you make it look that organic. When it's all written and it's all. It looks like it's up there, but it's not. You were fucking amazing. Now, now, let's not discount. There was a train wreck disaster out here before you came on stage. So that helped a little bit.

[A]

It wasn't nobody in front of me. I was going to rip this.

[C]

You're Damn right.

[A]

Waited 39 times across the street I ain't around this Give a.

[C]

Hold on a second. You've signed up. You've signed up that many times? 39 times.

[A]

You've signed up 38 of them. I'mma cry again tonight Wow. I ri this.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

I ri this.

[C]

Dedrick Flynn, this is absolutely incredible. So what have you been doing with your life up until this point?

[A]

Goddamn, I've been cool as. Been busting my ass. Yeah, I moved. I moved here because I wanted to come do this, so I wanted to get the pop from this.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And then I work at a red band over there at Sunset.

[C]

You work at Sunset?

[A]

Holy. Yeah, Sunset. Sunset.

[C]

Wow. Represents Sunset. This is the greatest ad you've ever had in your life.

[B]

If you look at all the Sunset employees that come on this show, they're always killing it.

[C]

Yeah, well, I mean, not quite as hard as Dedrick, but, yes, they're all solid. But Deadrick is something special here.

[B]

I'm dead serious is the highest compliment. A comedian, campaigner. The comedian. If I had to follow you, I'd be nervous. I'm serious. You're that good, man. I'm really serious.

[C]

It's true.

[B]

You're that.

[C]

It's true.

[D]

Joe would also be nervous if you were following him.

[A]

This is a ski mask, too. So I didn't know how the night was gonna go. Wow.

[C]

Dedrick Flynn. So what's the longest set you've ever done? Hour 30. Hour 30. And that was in Atlanta?

[A]

No, that was up in Memphis. I'VE been headliner for about 10 years.

[C]

Makes perfect sense. Yeah, absolutely.

[A]

Just traveling.

[C]

Tell us more about your life in Austin. What's your living situation?

[A]

Shit, I got motherfucking roommates. And they got cat. I hate the cat, but that's you. But I respect the cat, so you know what I'm saying? If you're a cat person. I don't know, you just look soft. You know what I'm saying? I don't know.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. My face, my bad. Dedrick Flynn, you can follow me.

[C]

Yeah, follow him for coming out. Follow him on the Internet. Amazing. Dedrick. I mean, I gotta tell you, you are just a storm. And if you can do that, then that probably means you could do it again sometime. So instead of doing the big hoopla and. No, no, no. It's even. It's even crazier than you think. And I never. I've never met you before. I know people think, oh, he works at Sunset. They probably know this guy. I had no idea you were going to be here. Clearly. You've signed up 39 times and you've never gotten on. So I have some really special news for you. I have a job, if you want it.

[A]

Yeah, I want it.

[C]

You're going to. Yeah. You're going to bypass a golden ticket completely and you're going to be a full time regular here on Kill Target. Yeah. Yeah. It has not happened in years. All right, now you've invaded my space. No, I'm kidding. The last regular appointed was Ari Matty. Before him, Cam Patterson. So literally, you can do a set every single single week if you want to.

[A]

I want to.

[C]

We just lost our. We lost our resident black to snl. So, you know, they.

[A]

My cousin.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Camp. That my cousin.

[B]

For real.

[C]

I know. I get it. Y' all are cousins. And now you're part of the Kil Tony family. So we're all cousins.

[A]

We all cousins in here. A star, ladies and gentlemen, the Black

[C]

Storm from Atlanta, Georgia.

[A]

And I love to have you on the Secret show.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You're going to have him on the Secret Show. Wow. A little. One more time for Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. You were here 39 times. Wow. Months and months and months of signing up and now you were here. You saw it live. A brand new regular. Bigger than a golden ticket. It's been years since we've done that. We'll see. Hopefully. Hopefully he stays away from the drugs and alcohol. All right, clearly, anything can happen here. You've seen the lowest lows and the highest highs possible. Make some noise for your next bucketful. It's Alessio Esposito.

[F]

How we doing, everyone? I'm Alessio. I'm Italian, of Jewish descent, which means I like my salami without the skin. Also means that while half my family were hiding in World War II, the other half was seeking. Yeah, that's true. By the way, my grandad fought for the Nazis in World War II, which was not good for his LinkedIn. Yeah. But it did make for pretty good dinnertime conversations. You know, I could ask my granddad questions like, granddad, did you ever commit any war crimes? And he'd just look at me with those big blue eyes.

[B]

9.

[F]

I was like, is that no other number? Because it makes a big difference. But, you know, I never believed him. Gran said he was a gaslighter. That's my time. Thank you.

[C]

Alessio Esposito. Welcome. Welcome.

[F]

Thank you.

[C]

Welcome, Alessio. How long you been on stand up?

[F]

Two years.

[C]

Where at?

[F]

In Manchester, in the uk.

[C]

Okay. Is that's where you live? That's where you're born and raised?

[F]

No, I was born and raised in Italy and then I moved to Manchester when I was six.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Because.

[C]

Yep. That makes your parents move there. Why? Why did your parents move to England?

[F]

My dad's job.

[C]

Your dad's job? Where in Italy were you born?

[F]

Genoa, if anybody knows.

[C]

Yeah. That is the home of a very fancy salami. You guys specialize in salami for catch.

[D]

Tony is an expert in all salamis.

[C]

It's true. And sausage and balls. You. So, Alessio, how long are you in America for?

[F]

I'm here till 3rd November.

[C]

3rd November. But when did you get here?

[F]

I got here on the 10th of November.

[C]

I love that even when they're saying it, they put the date above the month. Instead of November 10th. It's the 10th of November. All right. Perfect.

[F]

Might be wrong.

[C]

How are you? Is this your first time in America?

[F]

No, it's like, I don't know, quite a lot. I like it here.

[C]

Yeah, of course. It's pretty good. Yeah. Compared to England. What do you hate about England right now? Tell us about the life in England while these good Americans are sitting here and people around the world can hear your unbiased take on it.

[F]

It's better than Twitter says. Yes, I would say it's better than Twitter says.

[C]

Yes, better than Twitter says. Everybody. For those of you keeping track, Twitter. Okay. What do you. How do you make money, Alessio?

[F]

I. I Work in marketing.

[C]

Okay, yeah. Is that. Do you like that?

[F]

Yeah, I mean, I do. I do marketing for comedians, so I get to meet cool people. I quite enjoy that.

[C]

All right, cool. Joe Derosa, that was.

[B]

I, dude, I got impressed. I'm so impressed, man. That was a great fucking set. And for you to come out as a two year guy following a 12 year guy that's slaughtered like that and still have a great set is really impressive, man. Good.

[C]

That is. That is a great point.

[B]

Serious, I appreciate it.

[C]

The old reverse soda pop is having to follow Dedrick Flynn. Not easy at all. Alessio, tell us something crazy about your life.

[F]

Oh, where do you want to start?

[C]

Dad's Italian, Mom's a Jew.

[F]

No, Granddad was a Jew. It doesn't fully follow down the line.

[C]

Oh, okay, so you just say Jew so that it increases your chances of making it in show business. Very smart, very smart. But you don't practice Catholic. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's the opposite. Ladies and gentlemen, we're really finding out the truth here. Okay, so tell us a crazy fact about your life, Alessio.

[F]

I once flew from England to America.

[C]

Oh, wow, that's D's again. Keep going, John. No, that's the right. That's perfect.

[F]

I, I, I once flew. Fuck, man, I've. I've never wished I had an Italian accent more. Yeah, yeah, man.

[C]

You want. You once flew.

[F]

I'll try again. Yeah, you guys, I once. I went.

[C]

These guys are good.

[F]

I once.

[C]

There's a talented team around me here. You once flew

[F]

to America. I'm skipping that part. I once flew over to Fuck. I started it again. I once flew over to America to try and sleep with someone after I met them once on spring break.

[C]

Wow.

[F]

Yeah, it was a bad choice financially and.

[C]

Okay, so hold on, let's get this right. You're talking to the person online, right?

[F]

No, I met her in Cancun. I came to your spring break. You guys know how to do Easter holidays?

[C]

Oh, okay. Yeah.

[F]

And we had a great time, but we never kind of, you know, had the fun I was looking for.

[C]

Right, you never got to Manchester or England?

[I]

No,

[F]

I did not.

[C]

And.

[F]

And so she was like, oh, there's a cool party happening. And I was like, fuck it, I've got £300 left. Let's get.

[C]

Wow. £300 is a big bitch.

[F]

Yeah.

[O]

Jesus.

[C]

I mean, wow. To get on a flight for £300. Jesus Christ.

[B]

When it converts to American, she's only a buck 75.

[C]

Okay, so you met her in Cancun. But you didn't get to close the

[F]

deal, so I. Yeah, so I came over. We. We. We had a big night out and I woke up in the morning.

[C]

Hold on, hold on one second. Where was the big night out at?

[F]

In. In Michigan.

[A]

Disgusting, dude.

[C]

She's from the magical land of Michigan. Oh, that must be where all the beautiful women are. Oh, what a magical place. How come I don't get the music? Hey. Oh, Michigan. A land of the most beautiful people. She must have a secure job and an amazing family.

[J]

Family.

[B]

300. £300 that lives in Michigan. Did you fly over here to Michael Moore?

[C]

Oh, Michigan. I bet the. I bet the water there is as fresh as it flows. Oh, may have a sip of your tap water. Oh, all right. So you land in Michigan. Then what do you guys do?

[B]

We.

[F]

We went on a night out. I don't really remember much of the night out. I got completely blackout drunk and I woke up in a bed in the morning and I was like, this is good. I was like, did anything happen last night? She was like, no, no. You got in the bed and you passed out. Expensive. But then I also realized I'd piss my pants.

[C]

Ah, yes.

[B]

Wow.

[E]

Michigan.

[C]

Oh my goodness. Yes. That's what people. It doesn't matter where you're from and when you are in Michigan and pissing your pants while sleeping is just a normal thing.

[F]

Good to know.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay. But then you had to leave that day?

[F]

No, I went and stayed with a friend and we never spoke again.

[C]

Hold on. You went to. So this is an unbelievable tale. This is an unbelievable tale we have come across on this evening, boys and girls, for what we have learned. No. Okay, so you've. You. Where's was the friend? In Michigan?

[F]

Yeah, I did. I worked at a summer camp there, so I knew some people.

[C]

You went to summer camp in Michigan?

[F]

Hell yeah. I don't know if that's a cool thing here for us.

[C]

It is. How do you end up going to summer camp in Michigan if you live in Manchester, England?

[F]

Because they export or import English people to be camp counselors.

[B]

Heads up.

[C]

Damn. Do they have you guys vote democratic when you're here too? Some shady going on of America? All right, okay. So you just had that one night and all you did was piss the bed?

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

Wow. Yeah. You didn't try to hang out with her again or anything?

[F]

I did. I didn't want to know if she'd figured it out.

[C]

How did you find out that you pissed the bed? You felt it?

[J]

Yeah.

[C]

Wow. My goodness gracious. Incredible. Did you fuck your buddy from summer camp after that?

[F]

Not that long.

[C]

Okay. Perfect. All right, Alessio. Well, fun times. And, yeah, following the powerful Dedrick Flynn wasn't easy. You're leaving here with a big joke book. Congratulations, Alessio, Esposito. We're having fun tonight. This is a great. You guys having as much fun as I'm having tonight?

[A]

I love.

[C]

I love this show. I gotta tell you, not only am I the host, I'm also a big fan. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. It's Buffy, everybody. Buffy. Come on. Make some noise for Buffy, everyone.

[H]

I was on one of those family tree websites the other day. And I discovered that I have at least three generations of pedophiles in my family. You can find us on incestry.com. some families came over on the Mayflower. We came over on the D Flower. I was running out of material, so I started dating again. This time outside of the family. Just because somebody can make you come doesn't mean that they are your boyfriend. They could be your grandpa.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Welcome. Buffy. Hello. Welcome. Were you done? You want one more, one more.

[H]

We were a family with benefits. Instead of dental and vision, we had oral and anal.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

It just gets darker and darker with the comedy stylings of Buffy. Darkness served with a smile. Hi, Buffy. Welcome. This is your first time here, right?

[H]

It is.

[C]

Okay. Hell, yeah. Let's jump right in. Lis J. Gomez, you look like Hot Roseanne.

[I]

Thank you.

[C]

Hell, yeah. So, Buffy, welcome. How long have you been doing standup?

[H]

About six years.

[C]

Okay. Where at?

[H]

La.

[C]

All of it in la. You're just visiting Austin?

[H]

I live in Austin now.

[C]

When did you move here?

[H]

It'll be a year. Thanksgiving.

[C]

What do you do for work?

[H]

I'm a stunt driver.

[C]

No way. Are you serious? That's one of the coolest jobs I've ever heard anybody ever say they have. One of my favorite movies is Death Proof. That must be like, your main favorite movie.

[H]

Yes.

[C]

Yeah. That's incredible. How long have you been a stunt driving woman?

[H]

I started out as a precision driver for about six years.

[C]

As a what driver?

[H]

Precision.

[C]

Okay, so that's just like, background?

[H]

Well, we drive with and around the stunt team and stunts and accidents and stuff. And car chases.

[C]

Yeah, but now you do the actual.

[H]

Yeah.

[C]

How long you been doing that?

[H]

For about a year and a half with that.

[C]

Okay. And you get a lot of work doing that?

[H]

Well, I moved here, so I'm here now. I wasn't. It kind of dried up.

[C]

Right.

[D]

She's talking about her Vagina.

[C]

Yeah. Anything we would know. Like any famous stunt driver. Yeah. Where can we see your work at? Is there anything out there that we

[H]

could see Buffy driving for my personal reels?

[C]

Okay. Well.

[H]

And I won a stunt car.

[C]

You did? How'd you win one?

[H]

It was a giveaway. I commented.

[C]

Oh, perfect. Well, I guess any of us could have done that. Amazing. So, Buffy, what made you start Stand up six years ago?

[H]

Robin Williams. I felt like he helped to raise our consciousness with laughter. And I wanted to do that.

[C]

That's an adorable answer. Amazing. Do you have a family or anything? What's your story? I mean, other than the family that clearly fucked you through all your material. Do you have kids or anything?

[H]

No, just two dogs.

[C]

Okay. And they came with you to Austin? The dogs. And what's your love life like, Buffy?

[H]

I want a date. I'm trying.

[C]

I.

[K]

What?

[C]

Everyone's trying to hook up. Matt, the newly single lead guitarist here, would you have a type?

[H]

I did, like a lot of situationships in la. A lot of men fooled me. So I hung up my hoe hat like two years ago. Oh, and I came to seriously date men in Texas because I feel like they do that.

[C]

Yeah. All right. I don't know where, but not here in Austin, they don't.

[D]

Yeah, you hung up your hoe hat when you were 50 years old.

[C]

That's mean.

[B]

By the way, there's nothing a new guy you're dating loves here. More than I used to. Like crazy, but not anymore. Oh, sweet.

[C]

That's fun. Can you tell us about one? Perhaps you've seen this show, right? You know how wild the interview portion is, right? Okay, perfect. Can you tell us about a crazy sexual experience of your life in Los Angeles? I mean, you're out there driving stunt cars, wearing the hoe hat.

[H]

Okay.

[C]

It's on.

[H]

It's my favorite story.

[C]

Let's do it.

[H]

I was with four guy friends.

[L]

Slower.

[C]

Red Band. Red Band wants you to tell this story a little bit slower.

[D]

Red Band is currently wearing the ho hat.

[H]

And it was beautiful and lovely. They all serviced me, but no one penetrated me.

[C]

So they all ate you out?

[H]

Well, like sucked my toes. Kissed me like I was a buffet. Except no penetration.

[C]

No penetration, Luther.

[H]

So I didn't have to do anything.

[C]

You just laid there and received. Wow. So one guy on the toes. One guy making out with you?

[D]

She probably has bunions, to be fair.

[C]

Jesus.

[B]

Also, I love that even when she's talking about. She talks in car terms. I was serviced.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[D]

I had one guy was under my Hood.

[C]

One dude ate my muffler. Oil change.

[H]

I got an oil change.

[C]

Wow. Incredible.

[D]

One guy put his dipstick in Reddit.

[C]

Put it back.

[H]

I was on empty.

[C]

Right. Wow. Amazing. That's the sound of Red band coming

[H]

out of a kazoo.

[C]

So why do you think none of the four penetrated you? That's the part I don't understand. That's like going to. Going to a. Four guys going to a Chinese restaurant, just eating appetizers, no entrees. No one wanted to kung pow your chicken. Ding. In this analogy.

[H]

They were Canadian.

[C]

Oh, now it makes sense.

[B]

What are their names?

[C]

Wow. Do we know them?

[H]

Canadians.

[C]

They were Canadians.

[D]

Arthur said comedians.

[G]

No.

[B]

Yeah, it was the kids in the hall.

[C]

Wow. Amazing. So have you been on a date since moving to Austin?

[G]

Yeah.

[C]

How's that gone?

[H]

It was a one and done.

[C]

One and done. What'd you do? Where would this guy pick?

[D]

She told him that Horry story.

[H]

No, I refrain. I don't over share like that anymore. Only on tv.

[C]

Yeah. Perfect. That's the way to do it. So this Austin date, that was just like Michael, relax over here. Michael's trying a new percussion instrument during this. Okay, go ahead.

[H]

It made me sad that he was my age and he'd already written off a bunch of things that he did physically. Like, you know, snow skiing. Just because of his age. And I want somebody that's active.

[C]

Right. Absolutely. Wow. That makes sense. Have you tried. Have you been on a date with anybody younger?

[H]

No. I'm trying that too. A lot of 20 year old men are after me on the dating apps and I'm like, am I a fetish? Because I don't.

[B]

Absolutely.

[H]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. You're a fetish and he's a fadish. Let me ask you this. Have you ever been with a young Latino man? Because speaking of it, you like them. When?

[H]

Okay, like six years ago, I had a 21 year old boyfriend.

[C]

Wow. Okay. What went wrong there? He was Latino.

[D]

You had a 21 year old boyfriend when you were 47 years old?

[H]

I was 43.

[C]

Okay. Yeah. He's kidding. He's.

[I]

I know.

[H]

It's okay.

[C]

He's a real.

[H]

You wanna. You wanna dry run?

[J]

Whoa.

[C]

Oh, wow.

[D]

Yes. I'll you

[B]

dry's not a great word to use.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Wanna friction me later?

[H]

It was intentional.

[C]

Amazing.

[B]

What was? Oh, the dry run line.

[H]

Yeah. My age.

[C]

Yeah. You're killing it. You're owning it, Buffy. You're doing a good job.

[B]

You're doing great.

[C]

Tell us one more crazy thing about your life, Buffy, before we Let you out of here. Fun fact about Buffy.

[H]

I used to be an erotic beat poet.

[C]

What does that mean exactly? Does that go along with music or is that just acapella?

[H]

I wrote erotica poetry and I put it on top of beats.

[C]

Okay? What exactly is the beat that you remember that you can do erotic poetry to pull out your stupid sticks that you had before? Turns out they were perfect for this exact moment. Got little vibrators with them. And here we go. A one, a two. Spotlight. And three, two, one. And erotic poetry starts now.

[H]

Oh, I didn't even mean to do that. One of my songs was called Tongue.

[C]

Here we go with our reenactment of tongue. Ladies and gentlemen. This is Buffy, everybody. This guy's got to go jerk off real quick. She is Buffy.

[H]

It was my space. I don't remember my own lyrics, Tony.

[C]

Oh, okay. That's all right. Give her her phone. Someone said all right. All right, Buffy. Well, do you like anal? That's the thing with red band. You can't. You can't do that. It has to be, like a comedic effect effect to it. You can't just like, literally ask somebody if they like anal. You have to. They have to say it in a joking way or something. Do you like anal? See, that's how you do it. All right.

[H]

One was like, tongue me as if it were your dick.

[C]

Wow.

[H]

That was one of those.

[B]

All right, this is some heady stuff.

[C]

Joe Derosa gave up snow skiing a few years ago, so. All right, Buffy. Fun times. I like your style. You're different, you're cool. You fit in. Welcome to the show. Here's a big joke book. Ready? Yeah.

[A]

Woo.

[C]

A true stone catches it with her face and a smile. Buffy. All right, let's do one last bucket pull, huh? You guys having fun out there? There goes Buffy, everybody. All right, your final bucket poll of the night. Goes by the name of Andrew Hack. Hake, perhaps. Double A. Make some noise for Andrew Hack, everybody.

[K]

It's an honor to be at the show. However, I'm a little sad. A couple years ago, we lost my favorite comic. He was a legend. So I thought I would do an impression of him for y' all tonight. When I was a little Jewish boy, my mother always told me to eat my fruits and vegetables. But I don't think she had in mind the sloppy, disgusting, filthy threesome with Tony Hinchcliffe and Fiona Cauley. I've never seen this. This many black men on a stage since Tony Hinchcliffe tried to buy slaves. And look at this beautiful Audience, I haven't seen this many pieces of garbage since Tony Hinchcliffe and I took a

[C]

trip to Puerto Rico. All right, Andrew Hack, everyone. Andrew, welcome to the show. Do you do stand up comedy? Do you just do impressions of other comedians?

[K]

I've been doing standups. The first time I did it, I was 18. I'm 30. I've been hitting it real hard since I've been in town. So, like, five, six years.

[C]

Okay. But we have no idea what your stand up's like. After doing an experiment like that. You have another minute you want to do? Maybe. All right, here he goes.

[K]

Do you want another minute?

[C]

No, it's not up to them. Now that you said that, I don't want to give it to you. How long you been doing stand up? What's the math on that? 18. And what? You did it. Is that 12 years? Perfect. Where at?

[K]

New York state, Chicago and here.

[C]

Wow. New York state.

[B]

Yeah. What? Why do you say New York State?

[K]

Rochester, Buffalo. I never performed in the city.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Wow. Never. Wow.

[B]

Well, why would you when you're in hot spots like Rochester and Buffalo? Who needs to go down to Manhattan where all stars are born?

[C]

Do you live here now?

[K]

Yes, sir. Five years. These are almost six years.

[C]

Wow. Been here a while. What made you move to Austin six years ago before everyone else?

[K]

Covid.

[C]

Okay, yeah. All right. That's slightly before COVID but, I mean, you got it. That makes sense. All right.

[D]

It was literally two years before COVID

[C]

Yeah, it's about a year before COVID

[K]

I'm doing the math now. I think you are again. No, I guess five years. Five years.

[C]

There you go.

[K]

You're right.

[C]

You're right. Yep. All Good.

[B]

That's right. 20. That's Covid.

[C]

All right, Joe.

[K]

This many.

[B]

Do you always do the Gilbert Gottfried impression or did you just do that for tonight?

[K]

That's the one I'm best at.

[B]

But I'm saying, do you do it in your regular stand up?

[K]

Oh, yeah, yeah. I weave all the impressions into the. Into the jokes.

[B]

How many do you do? A lot of impressions.

[C]

What other impressions do you do?

[K]

Like, Scoob, we gotta get out of here, man.

[C]

All right. What other. What other impression do you do?

[B]

Yeah, do you do any impressions from this century?

[C]

Yeah, what else you got?

[K]

Well, you get. You guys. We got any immigrants here tonight? Yeah, yeah, I know there's some of you out there. Where are you from, sir?

[C]

Is this Mark Normand? It is.

[K]

That joke was over the line, but so are you.

[C]

Well, yep. All right. What else do you got.

[K]

He guessed it. He knew it.

[C]

Yeah. I can't believe I was right. I was, like, trying to be, like, funny, but that's amazing.

[B]

It's an odd choice to only have material that works if you're on the show with the guy that you're doing the material about.

[C]

Do you do a Jodorosa? Can you do a. Can you talk like a frog with a stuck in his throat?

[K]

It's like.

[B]

The.

[A]

Is that the.

[B]

Is that

[C]

the look on your face?

[B]

Look on your. I should see your face. It matches the color of Red Band's hat right now.

[C]

Oh.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

What'd you say? A frog that what?

[C]

With a cock stuck in his throat? Can you do that? Can you do one?

[K]

Oh, well, I'm a bit of a frog myself.

[C]

There you go.

[D]

Oh, gosh. You're not good at impressions.

[K]

You didn't like that one?

[C]

No, heard.

[K]

Heard that. Heard that. Did you like the Gilbert Godfrey, though?

[D]

It was pretty good.

[C]

Yeah, it sounded good. But the. You know, the thing is, you know, doing impressions of other comedians can be really tricky. It's. It's a treacherous territory. We would love to know more about. And can you do one joke that you're proud of as Andrew Hack all these years you've been doing it?

[K]

Yes.

[C]

Okay, here we go. One joke from Andrew Hack.

[K]

I was on a run the other day, and I saw a person who I didn't know could exist in America. A black father. Yeah, he. He had his little white collar and his Bible. It was so cute.

[C]

Oh, he's a priest.

[K]

Nailed it.

[C]

All right, can you do one last joke as a. All right, all right. Well, Andrew, tell us something crazy about your life. Andrew, before we get you out of here, tell us a redeeming quality about you.

[K]

I'm a. I'm a bartender for F1. I don't really care about the cars. They just kind of send me around, and I make drinks for the. For them.

[C]

Do you do reports on YouTube about the new amusement park that's about to open over there?

[N]

Oh.

[F]

Oh.

[K]

Down at Coda. Yeah, I saw it happening, you know, being built.

[C]

So you work there literally at Cota full time?

[K]

Well, the other races that. You know, Vegas, Miami, Abu Dhabi. So they fly me.

[C]

Oh, interesting. So you literally are a bartender for F1?

[K]

Yes, sir.

[C]

Amazing. That's actually interesting that they don't get

[K]

local talent sometimes, but then they save the good ones. You know, they take us a lot.

[C]

All right, Andrew, he looks like that the try guy that got canceled. Ned Fulmar or whatever.

[K]

I Look, I look like him.

[C]

What guy?

[B]

Ned Fulmer or the guy that cheated on his wife that had a whole

[C]

cookbook and thing with his wife?

[B]

Never mind.

[C]

Is this like someone you knew personally or something? You look like Ned Fulmar. Thank you. Good night, everybody. You look like my old neighbor. Neighbor? Travis Edelman, you son of a. I almost. I don't know what it's.

[D]

I feel like you're much funnier than this is coming off.

[C]

I agree. I agree.

[D]

I feel bad.

[C]

And just to let you know, you know, we had a monster coming out of nowhere earlier. The first ever appearance of a guy named Dedrick Flynn. So maybe we're kind of numb to. Numb to it. Maybe it's not you, but. But keep signing up and come back and next time do you. And come out fresh because I think Gilbert doing Tony Hinchcliffe jokes is kind of. Kind of polarizing.

[K]

Perhaps heard will do.

[C]

Sign up again. There he goes. Andrew Hack, ladies and gentlemen. Well. Well, indeed. Like I just mentioned, what an episode. It's been a lot to it. A lot going on and. And yeah, so we did it. Really bad news for you guys. William Montgomery is sick. And unfortunately, Ari Maddie couldn't make it here to. Cam Patterson is on snl, which leaves you with just one option. Ladies and gentlemen, this man was made a regular in the year 2020. Let me remind you how big of a deal what happened with Dedrick is many golden tickets lately. Zero regulars. The last regular was Ari Matty two or three years ago. Four years ago was Cam Patterson. Five years ago was this man in May of 2021. And sing it if you know the words. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Han.

[A]

Tim.

[C]

Hey. Good to be here.

[N]

I am also a stunt driver. There's a stunt over there. You might have seen my work on i35. Trying to make a U turn. Something I've noticed about comedy audiences is that a lot of people are more offended by rape jokes than mass shooting jokes. I think that's because you don't get to cum after a mass shooting

[L]

unless

[N]

you do it right. Yeah, I'm a pretty good guy. I don't have any problems with the Jews, okay? I think they're human beings equal to Mexicans and gays. My girlfriend is Jewish. I love having a Jewish girlfriend. I can just give her money for her birthday. They love old paper, these Jews, like the Torah or a lease agreement. One last joke. I think it's fucked up that somebody shot Charlie Kirk. Why couldn't he just shoot up a bunch of kids like a Normal person. All right.

[L]

Thank you.

[C]

All right, ladies and gentlemen.

[N]

Hey, Hans Kim.

[C]

The power of Hans Kim. I mean, 30 seconds of straight laughter just off of acknowledging the stunt driving of another person. I mean, incredible. That's what. That's what a true comedy veteran does. They listen to what's going on before them and the tone of the room, and they acknowledge it and. And utilize it like a real pro. That you just did.

[N]

A woman driving.

[C]

Yeah.

[N]

You better notice that. It's like, imperatives for your safety. You notice women drivers.

[C]

This is what I love about you, Hans, is you think out loud. How's life been going, buddy? One of the greatest interviewees in the history of the show. Hans Kim. Cannot tell a lie. Very honest. Famously an oversharer in the interview portion of the show. So this is exciting. It's been a while since we've had you. Very exciting.

[N]

I've been doing great. I've been on the road with the killers that Kill Tony. Tour with Ari.

[L]

Maddie.

[C]

Yes.

[N]

And you know someone's ex, Kim Congdon. She's a great gal, but.

[C]

That's right. Louis J. Gomez's ex, Kim Congdon is on some of those dates. It's been years. An awkward thing to bring up, but you just did it. It's been years. Many years.

[D]

But I. I still have a restraining order against.

[N]

I guess. I mean, that's a Puerto Rican relationship, right? That's actually.

[B]

Yeah. Of all the times a Puerto Rican woman should have stabbed somebody.

[C]

What else is going on? How's the road treating you, Hans? Where do you like to go? What's been happening?

[N]

I was in Elkhart, Indiana. Named after Joe Rogan's favorite food. So that was cool.

[C]

All right. That was your opening joke there, I'm guessing.

[N]

Yep.

[C]

All right. Yeah. Huh. I love it.

[N]

You know, just great time, you know, found out that, you know, Ari is a great guy.

[C]

He really is. He's a lot of fun. Tell us more. What do you mean?

[N]

I mean, I found out he's half Ukrainian, which is, you know, like. Like, kind of a loser gene, but.

[C]

Wow, I didn't know that about him. That's an interesting. Interesting reveal.

[N]

Yeah, he's vulnerable from the.

[C]

Yeah, Ukrainian assassin. Doesn't have the same ring to it at all. Seems like a guy that got killed by a Russian drone 30 minutes earlier. He was a Ukrainian assassin. We're gonna stick with Estonian assassin. Stop ruining Ari's brand up here.

[B]

Does explain why he's always asking for help, though.

[C]

Wow.

[N]

There's an illegal poker room right next to my Apartment Ooh.

[C]

And you love it, don't you?

[N]

Yeah, it's kind of loud. And we were talking shit and we realized that if we can hear them, they can hear us. And so they just heard us being like. We should just have sex really loud one day next to them.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

You and Ari?

[N]

Yeah.

[C]

I mean, do you make a lot of noises in bed? Yeah. Can you give us an exact. Can I get the spotlight here? Kino, can you just do an impression of the noises that you make while having sex, but do it for real, like we want the actual noises.

[N]

Okay.

[D]

Padukin.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Get over here.

[N]

Oh, yeah, baby. Call me daddy, please. I, I. Whenever I'm about to come, I'm like,

[C]

whoa. That's what you do?

[N]

You're like, is it okay if I come inside you?

[C]

Whoa.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

What is she say to that?

[N]

She says yes.

[C]

Wow. Is she on some kind of birth control?

[N]

Yeah, she's heavily medicated.

[C]

Oh, wow. Perfect. That is amazing. That's good to know.

[N]

Yeah.

[C]

Wow. So you just always finish inside of

[N]

your girlfriend every time we do it.

[C]

Have. Do you. When's the last time you think you pulled out?

[N]

Why would I do that?

[C]

Yeah, exactly.

[N]

I think that's bad for your little vein down. Down there. That really? Yeah.

[C]

Interesting thing. But you, most of you people are doctors, so I trust you. Does she keep it inside of her for a few days?

[B]

Like, what happens?

[N]

Yeah, she. When I. Yeah.

[C]

I don't know. Redband.

[N]

Usually after we have sex, she's like, ew, come. And then we have sex towels by the bed.

[C]

Little sex towels?

[N]

Yeah.

[C]

What's the difference between the sex towel and. Oh, little washcloth? They're crunchy.

[N]

Perfect.

[C]

Oh, red man. Red band. Oh, yeah. There's some love making saxophone over there. All right, tell us more about your personal, personal, personal life.

[N]

She. She caught me watching TV while we were having sex.

[C]

Oh, my God. What was on the television?

[N]

The show. Sense8. Great show.

[C]

Is that anime?

[F]

No.

[C]

What is that? What's that show?

[N]

It's real Americans running around. They're connected. They're like sensory connected. It's a great show. It's underrated and only one season. Check it out. Netflix.

[C]

Wow, look at that.

[N]

But yeah, I was watching Sense8. You know, it's like, hey, if. If you, you know, want to have sex, like, watching tv, I might watch tv.

[C]

So let me ask you this. Is she on top of you and the TV is straight, like over her shoulder, or are you in missionary position?

[B]

Like, she was pegging him so he

[C]

could see the television?

[N]

We do the sideways sex a lot where she's just, like, laying down and it's like, oh, it happened, right?

[C]

Yeah, that's what happens. You're with the same girl for years. Yeah, it's the old, let's just do this without looking at each other, putting in any real physical effort. Because I can't. Like an Asian joke because I can't see.

[B]

No, we only have sex sideways.

[C]

I want fuck you sideways. Let me come inside you. All right. Well, Hans, what can I say that I haven't said a thousand times before? Anything you want to promote or plug or anything.

[N]

We have the regular show at the Vulcan every Tuesday with Ari, Maddie.

[C]

Yes. Hans, by the way, every time you're on this show, you constantly kill it, man. Like, you are really one of the best regulars. It really is true. There's just a difference between the regulars and other people. And tonight, another one was born. Did you get to see the debut set of Dedrick Flynn?

[N]

Dedrick, yeah. New Cam.

[C]

Yeah, he's. You guys are family now.

[N]

Yeah.

[C]

You love him long time. Okay.

[N]

Okay. Yes, sir.

[C]

There he goes. The great Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen. And we did it again. Indeed. This episode brought to you by Prize Picks Quo and Shopify. The drawing from Ryan J. E Belt is in, and it is incredible. Joe DeRosa and Luis J. Gomez, everybody. Jotorosa.com for tickets to to his tour. His special I never promised you a rose garden is on YouTube. Joe de Rosa comedy on YouTube. Lewis J. Gomez comedy on YouTube, you can find his new special. You're making this worse. Also, the founder of the Legion of Skanks, Legion of Skanks podcast and the founder of Gas Digital, an entire podcast enterprise. Louis J. Gomez, ladies and gentlemen. And Joe DeRosa. What an episode it was. Ryan Je Belt's drawing is in. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, a little Martin Phillips.

[K]

All right.

[C]

Yeah. How about one more time for the best damn band in all of the land, carrying us through a very fun episode. Everyone kind of got a laugh tonight. We had fun with everybody tonight. Red Band.

[B]

I just want to thank YouTube for many, many years.

[C]

You have made so many careers and

[B]

helped so many people out, and you

[C]

guys are the fucking shit. We do love YouTube. Thank you, YouTube, for being here for the first time ever, and we love you all. God bless this audience and God bless the United States of America. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Sam, The Sunset Strip comedy club in Austin, Texas, is now over.

[I]

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for 20 tickets.