#688 - RUSSELL PETERS + SAM TRIPOLI

Summary

Kill Tony – Episode #688: Russell Peters + Sam Tripoli

Date: October 22, 2024
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX
Guests: Russell Peters, Sam Tripoli
Hosts: Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban
Band: Kill Tony Band

---

Episode Overview

This high-energy episode of Kill Tony welcomes two comedy icons—Russell Peters and Sam Tripoli—for a night of rapid-fire stand-up, roasts, and spontaneous crowd work. Taking place at Austin’s storied Comedy Mothership, the episode continues the tradition of giving aspiring and seasoned comics a shot at one minute of stand-up, followed by interviews that often turn delightfully unhinged. The tone is irreverent, at times wild, and the chemistry between the panel and the bucket comics quickly turns the evening into a blend of joke writing bootcamp and comedy roast.

---

Key Discussion Points & Notable Segments

1. Guest Introductions and Energy (04:01)

• Russell Peters and Sam Tripoli receive huge applause as longtime friends of the show.
• “[We won’t be the only ones bombing.]”
  —Russell Peters (04:01)

2. Opening Regular: Hans Kim (05:45)

• Delivers a minute jammed with edgy topics: distracted driving, the Israel-Palestine conflict, and risqué sexual jokes.
• Panel riffs on Hans’ comedy evolution and his fashion choices.
  • “Open up with Asian, close with rape. That’s some good shit.” —Sam Tripoli (07:39)
• Hans discusses dating history (“whole decade where I really fucked anything … like three people”), prompting roasts about his standards and a playful soundboard sequence about past hookups.
• Tony quizzes Hans on his dating “weight record”: “Probably 300 [pounds].” (09:01)

3. Comics from the Bucket: Quickfire Highlights

Mark Pugh (13:05)

• Jokes about moving from Louisiana to Austin and reverse culture shock.
• Riffs on toilet paper quality, local women, and a Joe Rogan sighting (“Nigga, that’s Joe Rogan. I’m done.” 14:11)
• Shares about being a dad, eating ass, and having only one kid (“That you know of.” —Sam, 17:13).
• Engages in on-the-spot rapping, to much laughter (“I just moved to the city, I really like sucking titties.” 21:07).

Sarah Sloan (23:00)

• Self-deprecating take on not being “hot enough” for Harvey Weinstein:
  “Harvey would look me up and down and be like, ‘I’m sorry, sweetie, you’re just not worth the legal trouble.’” (23:00)
• Reveals she’s never been kissed or had sex, draws amazement and encouragement from the table:
  • “This chick literally looks like a lost…” —Tony (29:53)
• Delivers a show-stopping horse impression (34:29), then follows with a Kamala Harris impression.

Drea Lee (38:39)

• First-ever standup set: jokes about hysterectomy, cat grooming, and a chronically ill past.
• Discusses moving from Canada and suffering two years of bed-ridden fatigue.
• Candor about Canada’s euthanasia program sparks discussion:
  • “Canada has killed thousands of people. I do believe that.” —Tony (45:08)

Cam Patterson (48:56)

• Regular delivers a minute riffing on art museums, classical sculpture, and being “confused” as a black man in Arkansas.
• Admits, tongue-in-cheek, “My dick is huge. She keep looking at it.” (52:28)

Swiggy (54:30)

• Shares stories of sleeping with larger women (“I fuck fat bitches out so my friends don’t want to fuck them.” —54:55) and a one-on-one “fisting class.”
• The panel is alternately horrified and fascinated by graphic, yet strangely endearing, oversharing.

Jacob Hatzenbuehler (64:04)

• First-time stand-up, references his dad’s heroin addiction. The panel attempts, with much fanfare, but ultimately fails, to call his father on the spot (“This is a segment we call: Call a Heroin Addict.” —Tony, 70:38).

Brandon Michael (“Tony, I’m Telling You”) (72:16)

• Jokes about not being able to handle weed, alcohol, and having an “old man’s soul.”
• Becomes a running gag with his excuse-laden, rambling style (“You have the spirit of a 98-year-old man.” —Tony, 76:02).

Chase Moat (87:37)

• Observational humor on weed and “trans weed.”
• Reveals he won a high school drag show and suffered multiple concussions.
• Panel jokes about Southern culture and being a “classical white.”

Fantasia Wilhoyt (97:25)

• Florida mom talks about raising a daughter in the era of OnlyFans.
• Shares family history: foster care, running a Denny’s “in the hood,” and being married to (then divorced from) someone now in prison for child pornography.
• “No, her biological father is in prison. She has a great dad in her life now.” (102:47)

---

Notable Quotes & Moments

On Diversity of Comics:

• “We’re gonna cleanse our palette … from these ladies with glasses, white ladies with glass asses.” —Tony (48:15)

Panel Chemistry:

• “He looks like a methed out Sam Tripoli.” —Russell Peters on Swiggy (57:28)
• “What can I say? You’re full of catchphrases.” —Tony to Brandon Michael (77:13)

About the Band and Sound Effects:

• Frequent references to the soundboard: “It’s almost like Tarantino-esque, the timelines with his soundboards.” —Tony on Redban (11:08)

International Jabs:

• Deep dive into Estonia with Ari Matti:
  • “We have three [black people]. We’re working on the fourth.” (115:47)
  • “Highest percentage of supermodels per capita in the world.” (113:32)

Emotional/Personal Vulnerability:

• Panel shows support to first-timers, especially after tough stories (e.g. Drea Lee on chronic illness, Fantasia on ex-husband's crime—104:13).
• Sam Tripoli gives craft advice and commends tight joke writing:
  • “No wasted lines, bro. Every line is a laugh.” —Sam Tripoli to Ari Matti (110:35)

---

Most Memorable Moments & Timestamps

• Hans Kim’s Dating Past & Roasts: 09:00–10:50
• Mark Pugh Calls Joe Rogan “the only white girl with ass”: 14:11
• Sarah Sloan’s Horse Impression: 34:29, callback at 36:21
• Drea Lee—Canada’s Euthanasia Controversy: 44:39
• Swiggy’s Fisting Class Story: 58:05–60:25
• Panel Tries Calling a Heroin-Addict Dad: 70:38–71:42
• Fantasia’s Child Pornography Bombshell: 103:13
• Ari Matti’s Killer Closing Set on Sexual Experience: 107:41–109:12
• Russell Peters/Estonia Joke Exchange: 109:30–114:59

---

Panel, Band, and Guest Dynamics

• Tony and Redban set a raunchy and irreverent tone, liberally using racial and sexual jokes while bouncing off the band’s sound cues and guest reactions.
• Russell Peters and Sam Tripoli dish out sharp but craft-forward feedback and join the riffing with instantly memorable roasts.
• The Kill Tony Band offers musical accents (e.g., beats for Mark’s rap, sound effects for callback jokes) and joins in group riffing.

---

Closing and Sign-Off

• Tony thanks the guests, band, audience, and sponsors, with shoutouts for upcoming tours (Russell Peters in Chicago, Sam Tripoli’s new special).
• Ari Matti is praised as a highlight:
  • “An incredible fucking performance. That’s how it’s done, Ari Matti, ladies and gentlemen. And we did it. This was an episode of Kill Tony…” —Tony (118:40–119:23)

---

Summary Table: Performers & Key Moments

| Name | Time Started | Main Topics/Style | Memorable Moment | |---------------------|-------------|--------------------------------------------|----------------------------------------------| | Hans Kim | 05:45 | Edgy, sex, self-deprecating | Dating a 300lb woman, “Asian Tony” jokes | | Mark Pugh | 13:05 | Southern, culture clash, crowd work, rap | Calls Joe Rogan a white girl, raps | | Sarah Sloan | 23:00 | Virginity, self-deprecating, impressions | Horse impression, never been kissed | | Drea Lee | 38:39 | First-timer, chronic fatigue, Canadian | Canada’s euthanasia, cat grooming jokes | | Cam Patterson | 48:56 | Race, art, black humor, physical comedy | Museums, “my dick is huge” | | Swiggy | 54:30 | Fat women, fisting, self-lampooning | “Fisting class” detailed story | | Jacob Hatzenbuehler | 64:04 | Drug addict dad, Montana, dry delivery | Unsuccessful live call to his father | | Brandon Michael | 72:16 | Excuses, rambling, sports nostalgia | Incoherent banter becomes running joke | | Chase Moat | 87:37 | Weed, drag, family, working class | Won high school drag show | | Fantasia Wilhoyt | 97:25 | Motherhood, family trauma, strip club life | Ex-husband in prison for child porn | | Ari Matti (closer) | 107:41 | Sex positivity, Estonian life, wordplay | “Don’t shame sluts,” Estonian supermodels |

---

Final Thoughts

Episode #688 showcases Kill Tony’s signature mix of roast-style panel banter, off-the-rails crowd work, and genuinely heartfelt moments. The pairing of legends Russell Peters and Sam Tripoli spices up an already raucous format. Highlights include raw stories of struggle and resilience (from chronic illness to absentee fathers and shocking family revelations), unparalleled audience interaction, and an improv masterclass during the closing segment with Ari Matti.

Best for: Fans of unfiltered comedy, stand-up hopefuls, and anyone who loves trainwreck charm with moments of true wit.

---

Suggested Clips

• Hans Kim’s 300lb Date Story: 09:01–10:50
• Mark Pugh Rapping: 21:07–21:44
• Sarah Sloan’s Horse Impression: 34:29–34:40
• Swiggy’s Fisting Class: 58:05–60:41
• Fantasia Wilhoyt's Family Bombshell: 103:13–104:20
• Ari Matti's Closing Set on Sluts & Estonia: 107:41–109:12

---

For more, watch the full video on DeathSquad.tv or listen on Spotify/Apple Podcasts. For tour dates and specials, visit RussellPeters.com and SamTripoli.com.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV and now on Spotify and Apple podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to tonyhinchcliff.com everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates at tonyhinchcliff.Com if you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to Death Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up with Tony Oscar. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Huh? I said, who is ready for the best fucking Monday night of their lives?

[B]

Yippee.

[A]

Make some noise for Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. We are here. This is indeed the number one live podcast podcast in the world, Kill Tony. Brought to you by Squarespace, Game Time, Hymns, Talk Space, and ZipRecruiter. Make some noise, people. You did it. You're here live at the Mothership. How about one more time for the best damn band in all the land? That is indeed the Kill Tony Band. Little groove line horns over there. Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo. And of course, the great, the powerful. How could I possibly fucking forget? Raul Vallejo, ladies and gentlemen. And Michael Gonzalez. Carne Quesadilla. Matt Muhling on the electric guitar. Ladies and gentlemen, John Dees on the keys. And this is indeed D Madness on the bass guitar, still. Brian Redban. My good, this unbelievable. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. You guys ready to start tonight's episode? Ladies and gentlemen, two of the greatest guests ever graced the stages of Kill Tony. These are guys that were with us early on in the belly room and then in the main room and then here and then there and everywhere in between, two Comedy Store legends, two of the greatest touring comedians of our entire fucking last two decades in the industry. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for two of our favorites, the great Russell Peters and Sam Tripoli. Oh, shit. Here we fucking go. The boys are back. Trips Peters. It's happening, baby. Trimbley and Russell Peters. Hey, I figured why not have a Brown invasion on October 7th.

[C]

That's right.

[A]

Very fitting.

[C]

We won't be the only ones bombing.

[A]

Yeah, it's true. There's already another brown bomber over there. The old Boo guy. Hey, Boo the bullshit. Man, I fucked up when I said that. I guess I didn't even think he was gonna hear it. Dude, make some noise for my guests. They're here. Russell Peters tour starts in Chicago. [e-mail] Sam Tripoli. For Sam's tour, everybody.

[C]

Sammy the Trip.

[A]

Two of my favorites. Two guys that know a lot about the art form. You guys have been on before. You know how it works. 226. Signups tonight are across the street at a little bar called Poor Choices. Hoping and praying that their name gets called out of this bucket. If it happens, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts their set. I've pre pulled a name actually flew out of the bucket, so we're gonna go with that one. And in the meantime, we're gonna start the show with a little stand up comedy from a legend on. How many of you are fans of the show? How many of you are here because you heard it was a hip, cool thing to do?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

All right. That person over there, Little piece of. Well, this guy is a legend in the history of the show. I mean, what can I say? Four years ago he was sleeping in his van, addicted to open mics. He is one true living, thriving members of the Kiltoni hall of Fame, ladies and gentlemen. Sing it if you know the words. This is Hans camp.

[D]

Thank you guys.

[A]

Good to be here.

[D]

I'm pretty good at the Tokyo Drift, obviously. I've been working on my Texas Drift. That's where I get distracted by my phone and my car goes in the other lane. Israel is fighting Palestine. I think they're on season three. When did the dragons come out, huh? Throwing a midget or something? I can't wait to find out how to strap a fleshlight to a Roomba. Because then it's over for you hoes. All these fucking feminists say that we have to be attracted to fat women now.

[E]

Why?

[D]

So they can accuse us of rape too? Nowadays it's considered rude if you don't rape a fat chick,

[A]

you gotta rape him.

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

Thank you so much.

[A]

Han Ze Kima. He does it yet again. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the all time greats from the show. Flexing a new minute. I love it. Well, Written rock solid. Look at your big, happy Asian face. You're adorable.

[D]

Thank you, Tony. I, you know, I have a long face. I feel like, like father, like son. I feel like we. I'm like the Asian Tony.

[A]

Wow. Incredible.

[C]

I'm pretty sure his last name is probably Son.

[A]

That is incredible that I. I don't believe I've been insulted more by what was meant to be a compliment. You said that I'm kind of Asian and long faced all at once there, my sweet, sweet boy. You are indeed my Asian son, Sam Tripley. What do you think of this young buck?

[F]

Powerful one minute, brother. Powerful. Open up with Asian. Close with rape. That's some good shit. That's a powerful minute right there.

[C]

Sounds like the 70s.

[A]

Hans, you look fantastic tonight. What's going on?

[D]

I got another one of these shirts with no collar. I, you know, got a compliment on one. So I bought like five in different colors.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

Now fashion is, you know, just another thing. Like you can itemize it and just get it over with.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

Don't think about it.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. Absolutely amazing. What's the point with the no collar thing? I don't really get it. It's a look. It's priesty, it's creepy.

[D]

I just feel like collars are so your dad's generation and the kids nowadays, we just, you know, we don't believe in collars, man.

[A]

Yeah, it's very.

[F]

Enter the dragonish. I gotta be honest with you.

[C]

Or enter the bts, whatever. It's.

[F]

But great rape joke though, Doc.

[D]

Oh, yeah, right.

[A]

What is the fattest girl you've ever been with, Hans Kim, if you had to guess the weight of the biggest girl. And what did it take to get you there? What did it. What. What kind of night did you have to have to end up? Let's first. First give me the weight.

[C]

Weight.

[D]

Probably 300.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Yeah, baby. And the episode has truly begun. I don't know if you heard that noise. That's the sound of a Kill Tony show really starting. And here we go. We got something to work with. £300 of.

[C]

Is it a white girl, Hans?

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Oh, yeah. White.

[C]

And whatever you got to do to get that green card, pal. I say yeah.

[A]

So how do you end up with a 300 pound white girl, Hans? Tell us, what did you drink? Started. Started at lunch with a little saki and gravy.

[D]

She was a Tinder date. It was my 20s. I really was not picky. I had a whole decade where I really fucked anything. And I fucked like three people.

[F]

Were you doing her nails.

[A]

It was a whole decade where I didn't do anything to like three people. That's amazing.

[D]

Yeah, it was really weird. No one wanted to me for. Till like. Till you. You made it popular.

[A]

Yeah, that's true. That is true. Comes in Hans and her sizes even.

[C]

Even Rick Diaz is getting laid now.

[A]

It's incredible. I've been able to do the unthinkable. Jared Nathan is eating a girl's right now as we speak. Just put bumbling right in it, Hans. What else is going on in life? Anything else? Crazy.

[D]

I'm having a great time on tour every weekend. I still have my beautiful girlfriend. She is not cheating on me.

[A]

She's.

[C]

You got to believe, Hans. You got to believe.

[D]

I mean, even if she is, I get access to her whenever I want, so.

[F]

That sounds like love right there.

[A]

What do you think she's gonna say when she hears you say that? There was 10 years where you would have fucked anything and you had sex three times. One of them being a chick, 300 pounds. So your batting average was.333 with 300 pound girls for a decade. She now knows that about you. That you're that easy and have such low expectations. How do you think? Oh, she's calling in the girl from a decade ago. We have her on the line. She is. Oh, she's calling now. We heard her first. Red band's so good at sound effects that the phone ring happens after the pig noises. Ladies and gentlemen, there is. It's almost like Tarantino esque. The timelines with his soundboards. You think you would think he does it on purpose, like a creative genius. Is there anything you want to say to the girl? She is on the line. I don't know if you hear that. Oh, there she is calling now again. No, she's calling with an old cell phone now. Thank you so much.

[D]

I needed that.

[A]

Oh, she's grateful. She thanks you. She loves watching you work. I do believe she said okay. Great stuff, Hans. Anything else?

[D]

I love you guys. I have a new gun. I have an ankle holster, so.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[D]

Just watch out for that.

[A]

There he goes. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Pim. Yeah.

[G]

All right.

[A]

Your first bucket poll of the night. I don't know if you guys know how this works, but this is where we meet everybody. Anything could happen. Could be somebody's first time, could be someone that's here trying to make it. That's been working at this for two decades straight. Anything can happen. Now the Whole thing's improvised. This is 60 seconds uninterrupted from Mark Pugh straight out of the bucket. We're gonna meet em all together and then I'm gonna interview them. Mark Pugh.

[E]

All right, all right, let's wrap this shit up. Hey, white people. How y' all doing? All right, fuck y'.

[C]

All.

[E]

I just moved to Austin to do stand up comedy. I'm gonna move back. I don't like none of this shit y' all got going out here. This shit weird as hell. You know, they say, oh, keep Austin weird.

[H]

We can stop.

[E]

Y' all don't need to get weird no more. Fuck it. Y' all liberal. I'm cool with liberal shit. But all the fucking restaurants wanna save the trees and shit. So they toilet tissue hard as fuck. So when I wipe my ass, I'm like, bitch, is that blood? I think I'm on my period. I don't like. I'm from Louisiana and all the white girls got big booties in Louisiana. I came out here, no booties. I'm lying. I seen one white girl on 6th street last week. She had a fat ass. But I ain't wanna say nothing to her. Cause her head was. She was bald headed. And I didn't want to say nothing, but she looked so good from behind. So I was like, I'm going to say something. So I walked up to her and I tapped her on the shoulder. I was like, excuse me, ma', am, can I have a moment of your time? And she turned around, I was like, nigga, that's Joe Rogan. I'm done.

[H]

Thank you.

[A]

Mark Pugh.

[E]

What's happening?

[A]

Hi, Mark. You're funny.

[E]

Thank you. I appreciate it.

[A]

So the only girl that you've seen with an ass was Joe Rogan?

[F]

Yeah.

[E]

I'm ready to go home.

[C]

I mean, in all fairness, Joe does have a pretty fantastic ass.

[A]

He squats daily, ladies and gentlemen. There it is. We have him on now. I'm sure the phone's gonna ring any second after. Welcome, Mark. Okie dokie. Thank you. How long you been doing stand up?

[E]

I say about eight years.

[A]

Eight years. All of it there in Louisiana?

[E]

Yeah, most of it, yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Okay. What part of Louisiana?

[E]

Shreveport.

[A]

You love it there, huh? Yeah, absolutely.

[E]

I'm going back tonight.

[A]

Are you really? Are you being.

[E]

I'm moving. Yeah, I'm moving. Unless somebody in here want to give me a job, I'm going the fuck home.

[A]

Okay, we're gonna get you a job. Just relax. It's very easy.

[E]

Thank you.

[A]

It's Very easy. We got you. We got you covered. What are you good at? What do you do for work? What have you done in the past? Let me guess. You worked at some cell phone kiosks or something like that.

[E]

No, nigga, no, no. That's his people.

[A]

Sh.

[C]

Yeah, we.

[E]

No, no.

[C]

We're very picky about who we employ.

[E]

Yeah, it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

We know who we can trust.

[A]

Yeah, it's fucked up.

[E]

See, I'm going home. I don't like none of this. I'm uncomfortable.

[A]

They're not like this in Shreveport, Louisiana.

[E]

No, no, it's.

[A]

What are they like in Shreveport?

[E]

Niggas.

[A]

Wow. I'll tell you where I'm scratching off my tour.

[E]

You should come. You should come.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can't travel without my wallet, and I don't want to bring my wallet or else there will be no wallet. I'll end up stuck in Shreveport because without an id, you can't get on an airplane nowadays because of these people. All right, so, Mark, what have you been doing with work? What were you good at? We will get you a job immediately. Absolutely. Texas, the center of a booming economy.

[E]

I eat real good.

[A]

Okie dokie. Have fun in Shreveport. Yeah. We don't need you out here eating our pussies.

[E]

My bad guy.

[A]

We got enough of you eating goddamn Louisianans, if you know what I mean.

[C]

I think Hans Kim knows a chick you could talk to.

[A]

It's probably your type by the descriptions that we got from her, too.

[F]

Are black people eating ass? Are you eating ass?

[E]

Good show. Yeah.

[F]

You eat ass, too?

[E]

That's how I got my first kid.

[A]

Wait, you spit it in her ass? You got your first kid eating ass?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I think you were eating it wrong.

[A]

No,

[E]

you right. Cause I. I gotta pay for the kid now, so, yeah.

[A]

Oh, you only have one kid?

[E]

Yeah, just one.

[A]

Okay.

[F]

That you know of.

[E]

See? Stop, all right? We know I'm black. You ain't gotta do that.

[A]

Fuck is he doing?

[F]

Black people. Black people.

[E]

I don't think I'm getting a job now.

[A]

How old's the kid?

[E]

Uh, she'll be two in April.

[C]

April.

[A]

Okay. How often do you get to see her?

[E]

I'm actually going back next week. I'm gonna spend three weeks out there. Not much. Cause me and my baby mama, we kind of got arranged when we both do comedy. But she allowed me to come out here and follow my dreams. Cause I was trying to get out here before and, you know, fucked around and ate her ass. And Then I got a kid, came too fast, so. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

Are you gonna tell her you hit on Joe Rogan? Is she gonna be okay with that?

[E]

That's not how the story went.

[A]

How long has she been doing comedy?

[E]

Maybe, I want to say three years.

[A]

And you again, how long you been doing it?

[C]

Eight.

[A]

And you're how old?

[E]

32.

[A]

Okay. Fuck, yeah, man. You're doing it. Incredible. So what have you done for work in the past?

[E]

In the past, I've served tables. I do graphic design. I'm an artist. I draw, stuff like that.

[A]

Do you draw anywhere other than on the side of buildings at night?

[E]

I'm really not that good at spray painting. I'm just. I'm good with pens and pencils and shit.

[F]

I heard served, and I thought this was going a different way, to be honest with you.

[E]

I don't have no drugs you can buy.

[C]

Stop.

[A]

Mark, what's it like on the. Being raised in the mean streets of Shreveport? Like, what's some stuff that you've dealt with or gotten away from or had to go through?

[E]

Shit. There's a lot of shit I can't talk about. I just say that I've dodged prison and being murdered, so that's an accomplishment.

[A]

That's why you like pens.

[E]

All right. I don't know what that means, but.

[A]

Oh, there's someone calling in. It's the soundboard. All right.

[E]

All right.

[A]

I love it. So you've been to jail?

[E]

No, I've dodged it.

[A]

You dodged it. You dodged that, and you dodged murder for sure.

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

Amazing.

[C]

Your own murder?

[E]

Yes.

[C]

Okay, good.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's good.

[E]

I tried suicide once.

[A]

How'd you try to do that?

[E]

Tried to fuck a fat bitch.

[C]

So what you're saying is Hans Kim's a survivor.

[E]

Yeah. That nigga's Beyonce. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Yes. Amazing stuff. What do you do for fun, Mark?

[E]

Comedy.

[A]

Other than.

[E]

Other than shit? Like I said, I draw. I do a lot of creative stuff, so I like to.

[C]

You know.

[E]

That's pretty much it. I'm boring as hell.

[A]

Any other special skills or talents other than stand up? You ever do it?

[E]

Yeah, but I don't want to say rap and then y' all make me rap.

[C]

No, I don't want.

[A]

I don't want rap. Is rap one of the things? Yeah, it is. Well, let me tell you something. I know a little bit about Louisiana rap because I was a young buck when the no Limit soldiers were. Yeah. Were a thing. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

So, I mean, I have to hear something. So you tell Michael a beat and then you rap. 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4.

[E]

I don't know no beat. That is a terrible beat. Can I get another beat?

[A]

That's pretty cool. Yeah, get another one. What do you want?

[E]

Remix it. There we go.

[A]

All right. Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Pugh.

[E]

I can't catch. Speed it up a little bit.

[A]

Little bit lighter, Michael, so we can hear him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[E]

Why y' all keep adding shit to it? I'm gonna try. I'm gonna try. I just moved to the city. I really like sucking titties.

[C]

Good.

[A]

Wait, that's the rap. Jesus. I guess. I guess we're all rappers. Amazing. One of the greatest rap performances of the last decade, ladies and gentlemen.

[C]

Hey, give it up for One Bar Shakur.

[F]

Where's P. Diddy when we need him?

[E]

Yeah, yeah. Not here.

[A]

Oh, my goodness gracious. That was almost impressive.

[E]

Mark, appreciate it.

[A]

Amazing stuff.

[E]

So much.

[A]

But you are a hell of a comedian and a very, very funny man. How long you in town for this week?

[E]

I'm leaving on Saturday morning.

[A]

What's the longest set you've ever done?

[E]

Like two hours.

[A]

There you go. I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. Boom. And you got a big, cool, handmade joke. Buck, make some noise for Mark Pugh, ladies and gentleme. Good, you just got a gig out of it. That's as good as it can go. Oh, it's the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Heidi, can I get another one of these mama jamas? One of my drinks? All right, your second bucket poll of the night, ladies and gentlemen. Goes by the name of Sarah Sloan. 60 seconds, uninterrupted by Sarah Sloan. Then we're gonna meet her all together. Make some noise for Sarah, everybody. Sarah Sloan.

[J]

I look like the type of girl that would have accused Harvey Weinstein of sexually harassing me, but, like, nobody would believe me. Harvey would look me up and down and be like, I'm sorry, sweetie. You're just not worth the legal trouble. But he's a bad man, and I would be required to give testimony. And I would talk about the terrible things he said to me in the hotel room. He said things like, what are you doing in here? I asked you to leave 15 times. Don't take your socks off. Your feet aren't sexy.

[F]

No.

[J]

I'm never gonna make you the star of Ant Man Goes Trans. A lot of guys have been calling me mid lately, talking about my appearance. At this point, I'm just grateful they're calling. Am I right? Fellas, thank you for calling.

[A]

Yes. Sarah Sloan. Welcome, welcome. Very funny. How are you?

[J]

I'm doing great. Thank you too.

[A]

Awesome. How long you been with stand up?

[J]

Two years now.

[A]

Two years, that's incredible. What did you do in between then and Wayne's World? What have you been doing this whole time? I love it. What do you do for work?

[J]

I work at a medical school, front desk. So I'm really just trying to find a husband that way. A doctor husband.

[A]

Just hoping some sick guy comes in. Like, this will work.

[C]

Flirt with them. Is your chlamydia cleared up yet or.

[A]

Amazing. Do you see. Do you meet a lot of guys doing that?

[J]

No, they're Asian, so they can't really see me.

[A]

You're such a character. So rarely do we see the truly self deprecating female comedian. Right. You know what I mean? Like, it's like they kind of dabble in it. Like, oh, my pussy's all slutty and beat up. But you're different. You're like a female Rick Diaz. Like, oh, man, I hope I survive the day. No one wants anything but this. I like this. So rare. Such a rare bird. Have you always been like an awkward, silly, funny person?

[J]

I really have.

[K]

Yeah.

[A]

That's what everybody tells you, right?

[J]

My mom especially.

[A]

How about your little brother where you stole that T shirt from? You dress like. You always dress like you just got out of the medical office

[C]

or a test.

[J]

Honestly?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, it's amazing. So tell us, Sarah, what have you been doing with your life? You just started standup two years ago. What else have you been up to?

[J]

Yeah, well, I wanted to move out here. I moved from the East Texas area. Tyler, Texas. This summer I moved and so, yeah, I had to get a job. I finished a degree, all that. How did you get your degree in Masters of Business? But I don't know anything about business, so. Yeah, good stuff. Yeah, super fun.

[A]

Great job. Our college system working perfectly.

[J]

It really is a joke. Sadly, yeah.

[A]

Amazing. So what do you do for fun, Sarah? You seem like the kind of girl that likes to sit at a coffee shop all day and do nothing.

[J]

You almost have me pegged. I usually am visiting my family at home and then going to church and stuff like that.

[A]

Whoa, you go to actual church?

[J]

Usually twice a week.

[C]

Twice a week?

[L]

Yeah.

[C]

Well, it ain't working.

[A]

Wow. My goodness. Do you go there just to get molested?

[C]

No, no, Tony, she's not actually a

[F]

boy,

[A]

but with that confessional screen, she could be. You could pass. Right? Do a little impression. Hey, it's me. Billy.

[C]

What kind of church is it?

[J]

It's a non denominational, so, like, you know, like, raise your hands in the air like you don't care.

[G]

Really?

[F]

A lot of gay flags in that church, huh?

[J]

Well, there is a lot. Like, literally on one side of the stage, there's paintings going, on the other side, there's like waving the flags.

[A]

What kind of flags?

[J]

It's not. It's like a. It's like a. Like a. It's not like an American flag. It's just like, you know, one of those, like, colored flags that you just. I don't even know how to describe it. I'm sorry.

[F]

Like an urban comedy show. Just black comedy shows.

[H]

Towels.

[C]

Oh, praise Jesus.

[A]

Woo woo woo woo woo.

[F]

Jesus be tripping.

[C]

Nailed it.

[A]

Where there was one set of footprints. It's because Jesus be tripping. That band is amped up tonight, folks. He has a lot of confidence over there. The remix of the sound effect. Hallelujah. So, Sarah, have you ever tried being a lesbian? It's the question that everybody in the room wants to ask. I, as the host, I have to do it to you. The world wants to know. It's the same reason why everybody wonders why I'm not gay. But I'm fine. I'm not up here complaining like you. Have you ever tried it? Have you ever thought about it?

[J]

Do you want to kiss, Tony?

[A]

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[F]

Take your shot.

[A]

No.

[C]

Nice lips or no lips. She's kissing.

[A]

Party off, Garth. Party off. Boogies. Have you ever had a lesbian experience?

[J]

No, I have not. My suite mate did ask me one time at a party. She was like, do you want to make out? And I said, you really don't want to? And that was the most. That's the furthest I've ever gone.

[A]

So why did you say you really don't want to? Are you a badass?

[J]

Because I really didn't want to kiss.

[A]

Oh, you really.

[J]

Yeah, I do.

[A]

So you're like, you really don't want to To.

[J]

I want a man, and I want a man bad.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow. When's the last time you were with a man?

[J]

Look at me, Tony.

[A]

When's the last time you kissed a boy?

[J]

Never had my first kiss. Tony.

[M]

Nuh.

[A]

No way. What? That's not true.

[C]

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Sam Tripple.

[G]

Yes.

[A]

This is where we send in Sam.

[F]

I'll do it.

[A]

Would you. Would you to like. Would you like to give Sam a kiss?

[J]

I don't.

[A]

No. Okay.

[N]

No.

[A]

Stop the music. Stop the Music consent's a big deal here on this show. Stop the fucking music.

[J]

Okay, okay.

[A]

This chick literally looks like a lost.

[J]

You're going to.

[A]

I took it. I was there to make it and they took advantage of me. Next thing you know, this Armenian guy had his tongue down my throat. I was squirting holy water out of my church pussy. Oh, this guy's seen enough. I'm out of here. God damn it. You don't make fun of the Lord and Savior.

[J]

That's usually what men do with me.

[A]

You're funny. She said that's usually what men do with her. They just. Look, I'm out of here.

[F]

It's so weird that you've never had sex because you totally have a. I'm a teacher. That her student vibe, you know? Totally.

[A]

I see that. I do see that. Stay after class, Michael. Oh, there's the bell.

[J]

And Michael's just like, nah, I'm good.

[A]

Amazing.

[J]

It's not worth it.

[A]

Is that really true? But Sarah, you've had like a boyfriend or something, right?

[J]

Like other than fifth grade. And whenever I was like lying to my parents and we, the furthest we went was holding hands under the cafeteria table. Like seriously nothing but how old?

[A]

Why? Perhaps the best timed air horn in this show's history. Oh my God, I love it.

[J]

I, I do actually have a crush on a couple of the guys that work at the mothership. I'll just look at them.

[A]

Well, oh wait, I, I'll tell you right now. I hope one of them's D Madness. Cuz the other ones I want to with you. Sometimes I crack myself up. I don't care if you guys are on board.

[J]

The only kind of guy that would want me is a guy that can't see me. So yeah, D, if you're, if you're willing.

[A]

I, I, I made that joke 28 seconds ago.

[C]

But you might be good. He's into personality.

[A]

No, he, he would, he would, he would touch her face. He'd be like, ah, I just realized I got plans. Oh, I forgot. It's something I gotta do, baby. I'm sorry.

[J]

Yeah, he's like touching.

[F]

What would be weird is if you hooked up with them would be your first time. And they say once you go black, you never come back. But you never went anywhere, so you'd be good, right?

[G]

Yeah, that's true.

[J]

That's true. That's a good point.

[A]

That's once you go black, you never go back is also what D Madness's eye doctor told him so unfortunately. Oh, he's Smiling. We're having fun back here. We're having fun, baby. Do you think it's the religion religion that makes you not like, have sex or. And what kind of porn do you like? Wow. Yeah, there you go.

[J]

I don't watch porn.

[C]

Why you gotta start?

[J]

Like, I. I've watched like scenes from movies, but that's the furthest I've ever.

[C]

Yeah, porno movies or regular movies?

[J]

No, no, like regular movies. And if there's like a kissing scene, I'm like, oh, that's very attractive.

[A]

What's your type? If you could go on a date with any type of guy, what type of guy would it it be? What does it look like to you when you read? You. You do read, like romance novels or something weird. You have a look like you have a stack by the bed with a. With one of those full handgun massage guns. Like

[J]

I. I would say probably like every time I see Ari Maddie on the show, I think he's very attractive.

[A]

Oh yeah, my.

[J]

Like, he's very, very attractive.

[C]

He's looking for some green cards.

[A]

Oh, relax, Matt Mule.

[C]

I think we found his way into a.

[J]

This is one time where the green will not mean go for him. He'll be like, I'm good.

[A]

He's like, back to Estonia. I go, sorry, had good time, America. Got to go now. Oopsie daisy, first flight out in the morning. Got to go. All right. I think you're absolutely hilarious.

[J]

Sarah, Can I do one thing for you?

[A]

Oh, my goodness gracious. Here it is. Here's the big twist. Here comes a big twist, everybody.

[J]

I could do a horse impression, so I just wanted to like.

[L]

Yeah, okay, okay, a horse impression.

[A]

Absolutely. I want to hear this horse impression. There's no one less stable on this show than her.

[C]

We're not. We're not gonna say nay to that.

[J]

Yeah, that was good. That was a good one. Okay, ready?

[A]

Wow, that was awesome. That was awesome. What the fuck was that?

[F]

That was amazing.

[A]

That was the most unbelievable thing I've ever seen. Oh, my God.

[L]

Well.

[A]

Oh my God.

[C]

Now you know what kind of cocks she likes.

[A]

Holy shit. I have never seen so much pent up sexual energies in the impression of a horse before. You know how to like. You're like a little teapot. You're so worked up. You knee dick down so badly that you are morphing into a whole different animal.

[C]

She's going to squirt hay everywhere.

[F]

There's a movie called Mr. Hands. You should check that out.

[A]

Oh, Sam, yes, you should. There you go.

[J]

Leave me Alone, dude.

[A]

Jesus. Yes, yes, yes.

[C]

Sam, you crossed the line.

[F]

Just a classic.

[A]

Okay, Sarah, you got a big joke book that horse impression. Something else is. I do have. Any other impressions?

[J]

Kamala Harris.

[B]

Same thing.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Oh, I like that.

[C]

Political.

[J]

Do you want to hear it? Or I can go.

[A]

Yeah, okay.

[J]

Okay. So I do it where she's talking about, like, she's describing the Ukraine and Russian war. So she's like, Ukraine is a smaller country and Russia is a bigger market, powerful country. So Russia invades Ukraine and that's wrong.

[A]

Do the horse one more time. That's the greatest thing ever. You live here in Austin now.

[J]

I moved late June.

[A]

You moved in late June. You know what we're going to do? I'm gonna do something special right now, my friend. At the HEB center on New Year's Eve, at some point during the show, I'm bringing you out only exclusively to do an impression of a horse. Ladies and gentlemen, you just watched a woman who I don't. Has ever been fucked correctly in her life, find out that she is doing something at an arena in her hometown on New Year's Eve. This is the comedy capital of the world. And you know, in this great country where there's so many great things and great opportunities for free speech. Yes, that's what I was looking for. Thank you. In this amazing country where some people have no. Around the world, there's a lot of people, you never get a chance to do your horse impression. They don't allow that in a lot of places. But God damn, you just saw a lonely woman get the opportunity of her life. How about one more time for Sarah Slung? You have a horse impression. Not like that. I'm not following that horse impression. That's the Dave Chappelle of horse impressions. I'm not going up after that. Show's over. Show is over. How was Kill Tony? Well, we got through two comedians. A chick did a horse impression. He retired. It's the end. All right, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Drea Lee. 60 seconds uninterrupted, and then an interview with Drea Lee.

[B]

Thank you. I'm Dre Lee, and I'll be your childless cat lady for the evening, which I suppose is a step up from crazy cat lady. And since so many people are having an issue with what the definition of lady is, and I don't want to be accused of any stolen valor. Full disclosure, I have had a hysterectomy, which is for a tumor, not trans, and on a man. I like things a Little more au naturel down there. Foreskin, not hair. It's kind of like a reverse mullet, a little longer in the front and shorter in the back. Once I was dating a guy from a country I didn't know a lot about, so I did some research and found that 92% of the men were circumcised. So cut to the first time we were fooling around and drunk, Me blurting out disappointed, like, Wikipedia said this would happen. Thank you.

[A]

Okay. Treya Lee. Oh, my goodness. This is incredible. What a transition. You're like.

[C]

You went from horse to horse.

[A]

Yeah. Absolutely incredible. You're like. If Sarah Sloan ever got fingered as a growing girl, that's like npr. Yeah, it's incredible. I don't know.

[C]

Reduction.

[A]

I don't know what is going on here. It appears as though there's some type of liberal festival happening outside. People are just stumbling in here. Drea Lee. Welcome. How are you?

[B]

I'm good, thanks. How are you?

[A]

Good. How long you been attempting stand up comedy? My first.

[B]

First time ever.

[A]

First time ever?

[G]

Really?

[D]

All right.

[A]

I've never called a sex hotline before, but I'd imagine you have, like, the voice and the face to be that type of person.

[B]

I will take that as a compliment.

[A]

Yeah. Like every. When you say things at the very end, you kind of just, like,

[C]

do

[A]

a thing where it's like, yeah, you know, I like that. And then it's kind of, like, weirdly hot. And then I look at you and everything's okay. Afterwards, you completely calm down. Completely calm down. Seems like she'd be all right. Okay. Drea, what do you do for a living?

[B]

I used to do cat grooming. So I used to shave pussy.

[K]

Okay.

[L]

Okay.

[A]

That's a funny twist on crazy ass cat super lady.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then, like, the final boss of the video game cat lady. You're the cat lady. The cat ladies take their cat to.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Holy shit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Disgusting. Keep going.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We've lost the room, ladies and gentlemen. The one thing they agree on is they are creeped out by cat rumors. What else?

[B]

Yeah. And then it was Covid, and I got really sick.

[A]

And with COVID or the.

[B]

They said no, but they diagnosed me with chronic fatigue system, which is syndrome, which is just like, they don't know what's wrong with you or how to fix it or anything.

[A]

Where. Where were you. Where were you during COVID Working, like

[B]

70 hours at the cat place. Slash a grocery store. What city? Calgary, Canada.

[A]

Right. So this brings me to my point.

[C]

As a Canadian, I heard her say something. She sounds Canadian. But we're in Austin. What do I know?

[A]

Well, I heard chronic fatigue syndrome, and I thought Canadian. That's where I thought of it. Because they forced you to get vaccinated multiple times.

[B]

It was pre vaccine, and I didn't know that. I was a good child. I was like, shut up. Just take the vaccine, wear your mask, get paid to stay home. Stop complaining. You're ruining it for everybody. Yeah.

[A]

So wait, what?

[B]

I didn't know that. Like, I just believed, you know, the news is real and people were telling you the truth and.

[A]

Right, right.

[B]

So I've had.

[A]

How many times did you get vaccinated before you got. Oh, Jesus. Three times. Three times.

[C]

Oh, wow.

[B]

No wonder I had to get two. I also traveled during that time, so I had to get them to leave the country.

[N]

Yeah.

[A]

And then you got chronic fatigue syndrome. How?

[B]

No, before. It was. Before I ever got.

[A]

Did you get Covid.

[B]

They said no, but we couldn't get tested. I actually ended up paying for a test later that they shipped to America and for, like, the later test, and they still came back.

[A]

So explain to us how fatigued is chronic fatigue syndrome.

[B]

I could barely stand for 15 minutes, like, in bed, ridden for almost two years.

[A]

Yeah. Holy.

[B]

It was super.

[C]

So when you're having sex, do you just knock out at some point?

[J]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So what did you do? What was your life like?

[B]

I. The hospital. I was fainting all the time. It was all sorts of different other things. And the hospital was like, you have to stay here or go somewhere else. So they were like. I had to move back to my parents. Yeah.

[C]

Where are you with it now?

[B]

Mostly. Okay. It's. If I do a lot, you kind

[C]

of feel it, but try not to do too much.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's incredible. So it just slowly is getting better, fading away.

[B]

Yeah. I worked on it a lot, I feel.

[A]

But how did you work on it? Sunlight and exercise. I'm not trying to be funny. I'm literally guessing. I take a lot of depression.

[B]

Yes. No, it wasn't. I was like. Literally, it was overnight. It was like one day, completely fine, next day, could barely even stand. Like, there was no. People were like, oh, you were run down. You're working so much. I'm like, no, it was not a rundown. I literally was a different person the next day.

[C]

But, yeah, I think it was all the uncircumcised penises. Maybe it was.

[A]

Was this Canadian health care that told you this? They ever tried to get, like, real health care? No, that was you son of a bitch, Brian.

[B]

Yeah, no, I joke that, like, chronic fatigue is. They don't know what's wrong with you. And if you don't have pain, then that's what it give. If you have pain, you have fibromyalgia. Yeah.

[A]

So that's. I. Believe it or not, not siding with Red Ban on this one. Did Canadian. Canadian healthcare is crazy. Did they try to convince you to kill yourself?

[B]

No, I actually just found out because my dad actually passed away recently and there's like, maid, which is medical assistance in dying. And if you sign up for it, you have to sign up from the beginning so you can't change your mind in between. So you could have something where it's like cancer, but they don't know if you're going to be okay or not. And then it could be like years, but if you sign up for the one, you can't have the other, so you can't even change your mind. So if you. Yeah, I just found this out.

[C]

Is it assisted suicide?

[B]

Yeah, assisted suicide.

[A]

Canada. Canada has killed thousands of people. I do believe that.

[C]

Just for the record, look up the Calgary, Alberta. I'm from Toronto.

[B]

It's everywhere.

[A]

No, it's a real thing. Canadians, they help you kill yourself in Canada.

[C]

That's a long time.

[A]

It's wild. It's wild. Luckily, I'm in a green room very often with Joe Rogan. My news is crazy. It's, like, real. It's the actual news. You can't really get it anywhere else. Maybe Tripoli's conspiracy filled Twitter.

[C]

Sam, you must have a conspiracy about this.

[F]

Yeah, it's not real.

[A]

Oh, what do you mean?

[F]

So is this your make a wish? Is this what this is, your make a wish?

[B]

No, I actually die. I. I just started watching this, like, in the spring. It was like before he did the roast, so I wasn't that lame. But yeah. And then I got tickets to the early show actually tonight. And then we just went over across the street and signed up for tonight.

[F]

So you took like, a comic who is, like, working really hard to go try to make it, and you're like, fuck it, I sleep a lot. I'll try fucking standing up.

[B]

It's fine. Yeah, still try to stand up. Yeah. Instead of laying down, instead of being on my back. Yeah.

[F]

So you're Canadian here illegally taking American jobs. Is that what you're doing?

[B]

Sam, I'm not getting paid for this.

[C]

We have a lot of people in the room that are doing that already.

[F]

Quite illegal. Everyone's going after this. This Fucking Taliban looking motherfucker over here. When it's these guys taking the good

[B]

jobs, I know I have little sympathy when I'm at the border and they're asking me questions and I'm like, at the airport, like, do you know what's happening on the other side of the border? Like, how dare you ask me how long I'm staying and where I'm staying.

[F]

Do you have a problem opening your mouth fully?

[A]

That's what's. I think. I think. I think it's kind of. By the way, just a little update, a little fun fact. In 2022 alone, there were 13,241 people assisted suicide in Canada, accounting for 4.1% of all deaths. And that number went up 31.2% since 2021. And the numbers are not in for 2023 yet. But going off of a 30% growth of the year before. You can imagine about 16 or 17,000 people a year being killed in Canada by Canada. Just a little fun fact for you. They are literally killing themselves. So all the praying helped America.

[F]

Weird clap, by the way.

[A]

Weird clap, Tony.

[C]

With the exchange rate, it's less.

[A]

It's true. It equates to 212American lives.

[C]

What? I'm getting

[A]

one drink.

[F]

What do you think that number would be if the Maple Leafs actually won a Stanley Cup? Do you think that number would go down?

[B]

Maybe in Toronto.

[F]

But I love you. You're.

[C]

It's a very toothy blowjob.

[A]

Drea. Here's a little joke book. There you go. You got it.

[C]

Oh, she can't catch that. But she sure can catch restless leg, whatever the fuck it is.

[A]

Yeah. Chronic fatigue syndrome. There she goes. Drea. Ladies and gentlemen, a strangely interesting lineup so far tonight. We're gonna cleanse our palette a little bit, ladies and gentlemen, from these ladies with glasses, white ladies with glass asses. And we're gonna switch it completely to one of the superstars of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the most powerful regulars in the history of the show. This is a brand new minute from the one and only Cam Patterson.

[M]

Yeah, yo, I. I recently went to art museum and they shouldn't let me in places like that. Cause it was terrible. I don't know how to take in art. I was looking at it, I was like, that's just gay. I didn't have a good time. I didn't enjoy it. I saw a lot of titties. That was cool. I counted eight of them. I touched three of them. They were close. They were hard as Hell, it's weird to look at art from like, from old white people. It's strange. I'm like. I'm thinking to myself, why he got on a wig? He thinking, why is this nigga free?

[L]

Right?

[M]

So they confused. I'm confused. We just lost at the same time. It was a lot of dicks too. That was. I didn't like that a lot. That's why I don't enjoy the dick. Why would you let somebody scope you with a soft. That's crazy. And they were like posing this shit like, you wanna see my soft dick?

[E]

Go ahead and look at my.

[M]

So I wouldn't take a picture of my dick on flaccid. I would never do that, let alone let somebody chisel away at my dick with stone. I would kill somebody, dawg. In my pubes and shit. I would fucking murder you, dog. You understand? And people say they was like. Well, they enjoyed, like, having small digs back then. That mean you was real smart. And I'm gonna tell you something. I would have went to Harvard. All right,

[A]

Another great minute from the great Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. Fun stuff. You go to a lot of museums?

[M]

Hell, no, nigga. I was out. I did a Sam Tyler Festival. And they were like, you gotta see them. You gotta see the art museum. It's so dope. And it was cool. It would have been better on mushrooms, but it was nice.

[A]

Yeah. Which festival was it?

[M]

Sam Taliso. He did a festival in Arkansas.

[K]

Oh, okay.

[M]

Yeah, that shit was crazy. It's in Arkansas. Where they started Walmart and shit.

[A]

N. Yeah, nigga.

[M]

Y' all ever been to Ben? You ever been to Benneville? No, bro, it's fine. I was mad cause the original Walmart was closed. It's usually open, but it was closed. And I was upset. Cause I couldn't go there and steal, right?

[A]

Cause right.

[M]

I wanna go for the one they started it all. You know what I'm saying? You gotta steal from that.

[A]

That's like storming the capitol. A black person looting the first Walmart. I mean, that is just.

[C]

They do that on the day after Thanksgiving.

[L]

They knew I coming.

[M]

They like close that down that on the way, dog. Close that the down.

[A]

What else about Arkansas? That must have been wild. That's different.

[M]

No, it was cool.

[A]

It was it. It, it.

[M]

That was it, though. The art museum in Walmart. And I seen a dude. I seen a dude, I was over 24 years old, riding a bike with a helmet. I thought he should have died.

[A]

I don't like that at all, right?

[M]

I think that's stupid, dog. If you a grown man, you wearing a bike with a helmet, you should die. I think that you should die.

[A]

Were there. Were there a lot of black people in Arkansas or were you one of the exhibits at the museum? He's a black man. Over here, ladies and gentlemen.

[M]

Well, black people live in Arkansas. Arkansas.

[A]

I just. I just know not invented vehicles could

[M]

they don't let us live like that. But there's black people in Arkansas.

[A]

I believe it. Yeah, they're called the Razorbacks. The football team.

[M]

That was funny, you piece of out there.

[A]

Texas took that like it was a racial slur. God damn. Yeah, they are Razorback.

[M]

I like that.

[A]

That was good, man. Yeah.

[F]

So you're a black guy with a little dick that does mushrooms.

[M]

Well, let me tell you something. First of all, I'm joking.

[A]

Number one.

[M]

That's a joke. My dick is huge.

[A]

I gotta say that.

[M]

But I have to say that.

[A]

That's fact.

[M]

Yeah. I have to say that. Yeah, my dick huge as fuck.

[E]

It's big.

[M]

Big as hell. Big as fuck. Congrats on my dick, man. It's huge. She keep looking at it.

[E]

It's huge.

[A]

Finn of you hold.

[M]

Stop looking at it. It's huge. Look at. Hey, camera big as fuck.

[E]

America.

[M]

That's how you stand. We got a big dick.

[A]

Rumors are in that they. It is so small.

[M]

Hey, let me tell you something.

[A]

I'm getting word.

[C]

Let me tell you something.

[M]

Ain't no ear. Nothing in your ear. You lie. You're a liar. It's huge.

[F]

I don't know what you said right there.

[M]

Hey, tell you something.

[A]

How's everything else going, Cam? What else is shaking? Anything else crazy going on?

[M]

Not really. Just on the road a lot. Just run around and that's about it.

[C]

It.

[A]

Yep.

[I]

Y.

[A]

Love it. Russell, you've seen Cam before.

[C]

I've not seen Cam before. I met him in the green room just now, but that's about it. Good job on your penis, Cam.

[M]

Thank you. Thank you. You know why. Thank you so much.

[K]

Thank you.

[C]

I'll just give you a pound. That's all right. I. I don't know what you was touching. I don't touch.

[M]

No, this the one.

[A]

I do my.

[C]

Okay.

[N]

Whoa.

[A]

He's a southpaw.

[C]

See, he's. He's a lefty. That's odd.

[M]

Now I'm tell you something. Let me tell you something.

[A]

I lied.

[M]

This is the one. I be on me.

[A]

Oh, I'm a liar.

[C]

Only this part of my hand feels dirty.

[A]

My goodness.

[M]

This is good, man.

[A]

Cam, you're an absolute superstar. We love you. Everybody loves the great Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. We're going to keep it moving along. Your next bucket pole has been on the show numerous times.

[I]

Times.

[A]

Kind of a. Kind of a legend in kill Tony folklore. A wild, wild character. Let's see if he's got a new minute. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the long awaited return of Swiggy. Swiggy is back.

[L]

Swiggy, yeah, yeah. I work at, like this barbecue restaurant and like, I banged this, like, fat chick when I first started working there, but then like years later, she tried to, like, make fun of me and she was like. The next morning when I woke up next to Swiggy, he was all cuddled up next to me. I'm like, yeah, like, why wouldn't I be?

[C]

You know?

[L]

You're like a big comfy pillow, you fat fucking bitch. Like, oh, fuck out of here, dude. I'd be treating fat bitches a lot like menthol cigarettes. Like, you know, if, like all your buddies smoke regular cigarettes, you might go out and like, buy a pack of menthols. That way, like, you know, like, they don't want to bum any off you. So I fuck fat bitches out and my friends don't want to fuck them, you know, like. But as you can tell, like, all my friends are white. Like, I wish I had black friends. I'd be like, smoking the cigarettes I want, you know? I remember being in the car with like these two chicks once, and they're having, like, their own conversation. Like, one chick's going like, oh, my God, this guy, he's a weirdo. I swear to God, he probably jerks off to you.

[F]

Now.

[L]

They're just like, oh, my God. Like. Like probably does jerk off to. The whole time they're like, having this conversation. I'm thinking, like, no, I've like, jerked off to both of these. I'm like, hanging out. I probably the real creeper, dude.

[A]

Swiggy wow. Starts with a Swiggy, ends with a Swiggy Wow. Swiggy, I can tell you, no one's ever gonna steal your material. That is one of a kind stuff. Some real woman hating stuff.

[C]

You know, hands really set the tone for fat chicks tonight.

[A]

Yeah, I was thinking that. I'm like, this is a fat chick heavy episode. Oh, speak of the devil. There goes a lesbian right here. Look at this big, meaty, holy.

[C]

Oh, geez, Lois, you better get to that bathroom quick.

[F]

That was like a glacier movie right there.

[A]

Wow. I don't know which restroom that thing's using. But they. The toilet's about to go bye bye. That shit's about to get in the bathroom.

[F]

I love how he tried to sneak through like that was at all possible

[M]

that hey Kool Aid.

[C]

Cuz he bolted.

[A]

He that toilet. That. That toilet handle is about to be jiggly cuz he's going to break it back to Swiggy, tell us what's been going. I got to tell you, Swiggy, honestly, even though it was and kind of diabolically evil, I loved that minute. The way you're delivering it. You're kind of standing there in the pocket and doing your own thing, like I said. Talking about no one's really covering. Kind of self deprecating, but also funny. Very good. It's smarter than the you used to talk about years ago. I remember you. There you go. That's coming from Red band who hates you. Red Band hates. Yeah, yeah. Red Band openly, aggressively dislikes. You think the Swiggy part part like you sound like a vacuum cleaner.

[B]

Right?

[C]

He looks like. He looks like a methed out Sam Tripoli is.

[A]

He looks like a.

[F]

He's a normal Sam triple.

[A]

Yeah, he looks like a mathed up Sam Tripoli.

[K]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Oh, Swiggy. All right. So what have you been up to, Swiggy? Tell us about it.

[L]

I've been working a lot. I got my own show going on a Swig fest at Shakespeare is going to come to do like a wet T shirt contest.

[A]

All right, all right. What else? Other than than comedy? What else?

[L]

Okay, just I work a lot like the Franklin. That's not really my work. They told me not to mention my work on Perfect.

[A]

You nailed it, Swiggy.

[L]

I've been banging fat chicks. Took a fisting class.

[A]

I don't know, that's pretty. Well, you took a fisting class?

[L]

Yeah, it was on like fet life. I like signed up for it as

[A]

like it was on what Fet Life.

[L]

It's like some like fetish like online.

[A]

Okay, so you signed up for an online course on fisting?

[L]

No, I was at her house. Like I went over and like. Like this is in like some poly normous relationship. I like met her husband and like

[A]

I don't know like how many people were at this class?

[L]

That's what I was doing. It's a one on one class. I was wondering like if I like make friends in class. Like like. Yeah, yeah, it's a one on one class.

[A]

Swiggy, I believe you went on a date, Swiggy. A fetish class. Some chick wanted to get fisted. So. Wait a second. Hold on. This is unbelievable. You are an interview. You oil mine. I gotta tell you, this is just. It's like, there will be blood. And they have that one set up and the kids, like, on the roof. Everybody's chilling. Like, yeah, a little bit of oil's coming out. You just are a. She's back geyser. Oh, speaking of a geyser, look at this.

[C]

Why'd you leave the store?

[A]

Oh, my goodness. Oh, my God.

[F]

Does that look like the chicks you.

[L]

Nah, dude,

[A]

that is a. That is a menthol cigarette if I've ever seen one right there. So, Swiggy, tell us more. Where were we just now?

[L]

Fisting glass.

[A]

That's right. So you arrived at the fisting class.

[L]

She had, like, it was like, maybe like an hour, like, class. And I was. Told me, like, take notes, and I was like, I'm not taking.

[K]

What?

[L]

Like, I, like.

[C]

I don't know.

[L]

I like. There was, like, a demo after. I had to put, like, a glove on and show her, like, a recent STD test. But, like, it's pretty crazy. I don't know. Like, she taught me, like, some, though. I didn't. I know, like, the clitoris and, like, the G spot, but there's apparently, like, an A spot on the other side. And, like, I was hitting that. Like, she was in, like, the doggy position. So I was hitting, like, the G spot with my pinky, and then I was hitting, like, the A spot with my thumb.

[A]

Wait, if you. If you go G, A, G, G, G. I'm pretty sure it goes. Get over here.

[L]

But I was moving my other fingers, cuz, like, the vaginal walls are, like, tight, like grass. Play around there so they can, like, feel the tendons and stuff. I'm like, oh, I.

[A]

All night long. The show just got three hours longer, everybody. We're about to get a fisting class. Yeah.

[F]

You look like both sides of Gaza right now. That's what you look like.

[A]

And we do not want to see you strip. All right. Yeah, Swiggy, you're in it. So this class ended with you fisting her?

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[L]

It was like a fisting demo at the end. I don't wear, like, a glove and, like, whatnot.

[C]

It's like, what kind of glove?

[L]

Like a latex? Like Freddy Krueger? Nah. Have you. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Hell yeah.

[C]

Did she make any noises when you were fist?

[A]

Yeah. Jesus. Was that the noise that she made? If I find out this is the horse chick from earlier. You put a Fist in her nose.

[C]

Wait, that other guy had a hysterectomy to me. Wait a minute. It was a fist ectomy.

[A]

Was she chronically fatigued after you did this?

[L]

Yeah, she was like, she's out wild.

[A]

Did it sound like this when you fisted her? That's Tom Sagara after breaking his arm. Ladies, special noise.

[F]

This show is great, dude.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Tell us more about Swigfist Fest.

[L]

Hey, dude, it's pretty lit. I like comics.

[A]

Oh, I could tell you if you wanted to. There's going to be like a wet T shirt contest. There's a hot dog stand. There's going to be like 15 comedians doing five minute sets.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

How close?

[L]

Yeah, I overbooked the last. I had like too many. Everyone was doing like short sets. But we had like the wet T shirt going on. Now it's.

[A]

It's pretty cool. All right, there it is. All right, I was right. Except less hot dog dogs than I expected. Swiggy, what's your actual. What's your actual love life like? Is there a woman out there that you love or you're just out there?

[L]

Not at the moment. I was in a relationship for like seven years. That was like a while ago, but, like, lately I've been banging a few different chicks. I just banged some fat chick like the other night.

[I]

I don't know.

[A]

When's the last time you talked to your mother?

[L]

Pretty recently.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[L]

She's been on the show before.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[L]

That's pretty good. I just got her to sign up. I thought it'd be funny on her.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[L]

Turns out she's like some old lady.

[A]

Gang, gang.

[F]

She see her stand up was like, I gotta that guy.

[L]

Yeah, yeah. She doesn't like it. She thinks it's a little vulgar.

[I]

I.

[C]

A little.

[L]

But she like supports it, though.

[A]

Just it's not her thing.

[C]

Mom's classy.

[J]

Yeah.

[A]

You're like, yeah, mom, that really hurts my A spot. All right, well, Swiggy, what can I say? You already have a big joke book, right?

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[L]

Get another one.

[A]

All right, It. I mean, I already got one. I'm going to get another one, cuz I already got one. There goes Swiggy, ladies and gentlemen.

[L]

Swig.

[C]

Hey, I felt fisted.

[A]

All right, your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen, is on the inside. It represents one of you. It could be you. Maybe you had the courage to sign up. 60 seconds uninterrupted, coming from the audience's very own Jacob Hatzenbuehler. Big pop from his table. They're Proud of him. They are excited it's happening live. Their friend Jacob Hatztenbuehler has the opportunity of a lifetime right now. Make some noise for Jacob.

[H]

So my dad is a drug addict. It can be interesting, but it can be fun. Usually watching him try to do the dishes, just bend it out, just can't even handle it. He's always burning food. One of his favorite foods is rice a Roni. The slogan is the San Francisco Treat. Usually I'd come upstairs and I just see him against the counter. Lit cigarette, big twisted tee, opening the pack of basketball cards that he got when my mom was sleeping,

[K]

trying to

[H]

pull the LeBron James so he can finally get his life together. I oftentimes go to Whole Foods. I see a lot of hot women. I'm just glad that they are finally eating.

[A]

An adorable set. Jacob Hatzenbuehler. Welcome. Jake up.

[H]

Thank you.

[A]

Hell yeah. How long you been trying standup comedy?

[H]

It's my first time.

[A]

His very first time. Amazing.

[L]

All right,

[A]

Jacob. I love it. How old are you?

[H]

I'm 26.

[A]

26. What you been doing with your life up till this point?

[H]

Bunch of stuff.

[A]

Okay, well, you can start listing them off. You're on the show live right now.

[H]

Oh, so we're from Montana. So we do a lot of skiing.

[A]

There is no we. You're by yourself. Stop looking at them.

[H]

I'm nervous.

[A]

Table of fucking billy goats over here.

[D]

Look at this shit.

[A]

Just a mustache with a ball cap on over here. That's his buddy.

[C]

Guy looks like John Holmes, my buddy right there.

[A]

Human mustache. Look at that fucking guy. Jesus Christ.

[H]

He just cut it this morning. He looks fabulous.

[A]

I love it. So what do you do in Montana? Kind of tractor.

[J]

Yeah.

[A]

You riding. The Sweet sounds of Montana.

[H]

It's. It sounds exactly like.

[A]

What do you do for work a lot?

[H]

I. I package weed.

[A]

Okay. All right. Weed packager. How long you been doing that for?

[H]

About four years.

[A]

Okay, what do you do for fun? Moonshine. Moonshine.

[H]

A lot of skiing.

[A]

Okay.

[H]

I used to skate a lot. Nothing super. Super interesting. It's pretty boring over there.

[A]

Okay.

[H]

Do stuff like this.

[A]

Where'd you get that cool Sopranos shirt from?

[H]

I just ordered it a few weeks ago.

[A]

From where? They deserve a shout out.

[H]

If you can remember, it's fantasy initiative on Instagram.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

Less interesting than I thought. I was hoping it was Sopranos based official merch, but I guess not. Okay, Jacob, what's interesting about you? How was this all true about your dad? Yeah, he was burning food, doing dishes. Sounds like he Was taking care of your ass.

[H]

He was indeed.

[A]

While doing drugs?

[H]

Yes.

[A]

We're talking about heroin?

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

Fentanyl, probably, but you know for sure. Heroin?

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

And he would nod out while making some rasseroni.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

And that basketball card thing's real?

[H]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

All right. Where's your dad at now?

[H]

Back in Montana.

[A]

Okay. He's chilling right now.

[K]

Yeah.

[A]

Does he have any idea that you came here?

[H]

Nope.

[A]

Why not?

[H]

Because he's doing heroin.

[A]

When's the last time you talked to him?

[H]

I talk to him every now and then.

[A]

Yeah.

[H]

Yeah.

[C]

You live with him still?

[E]

No.

[A]

Does he usually stay up at about this time? Why don't we unlock your phone and see if we can't get this guy nodding out? Sam, pass this down there. Unlock this gentleman's phone. What do you think? You think dad's gonna take our call?

[H]

He might, but I don't.

[A]

Let's take a chance. We're gonna take a chance here, Jacob.

[H]

I don't. I don't.

[A]

Oh, you have the phone. Don't throw four phones at once. Mustache is coming up with some wild ideas like, I'll throw all these. Come on, let's do it. It creep as well. I love it. So what are your thoughts on what's about to happen here? You think your dad's going to be disappointed if he finds out that you just talked about his heroin addiction on the biggest show in all of the industry?

[H]

I don't think so.

[A]

Perfect, but. So which one is it? We just going to unlock all of them and go for it? Here. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen? All right, this is going to take about an hour and a half. We have. You just push it on. Yeah, you gotta kind of. There you go. Yeah. We're gonna figure this out here.

[K]

Oh.

[C]

How old's your dad?

[H]

Early 50s.

[A]

Does he still work?

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

What does he do for a living?

[H]

He's cleaning schools right now, I think.

[A]

Cleaning? So he's a janitor?

[H]

Yeah, he's a janitor.

[A]

I love it. And. And you're packaging weed. All right, that is not the phone. We are playing a little game of Chinese roulette where you have to figure out which Apple iPhone is Jacob's.

[C]

It's all Android with these guys.

[A]

This guy does not want to call his dad. He said no to four phones already. We must be close now. Let's keep opening phones before we repackage them. We could do that at any point. Point we are. We're gonna do.

[M]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

No, wait. Sorry, sorry. All right. Here we go. So, Jacob, here's the plan. Here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna hit go on the phone call. Oh, you have to turn it back on. Okay. You're gonna hit full send phone call, right? You're gonna hit it to speakerphone and you're gonna go all the way up with your side volume. Then you're gonna take the phone like this and you're gonna put the bottom of it like that.

[C]

Now the bottom.

[A]

The bottom. It's the bottom red band. I loved it. You're in charge of sound on this show.

[C]

Speakers are on the bottom.

[A]

Relax. We got. I got this red band.

[C]

No, no. When you're on speaker.

[A]

Sam also thinks the. The other senior senior correspondent.

[F]

Bro, I got your back also.

[A]

Thanks.

[C]

His dad does.

[A]

We got a red. You ready to do this, Jacob?

[H]

I am.

[C]

What's his name, by the way?

[H]

My name? Jacob.

[A]

Jacob Senior. This is absolutely beautiful.

[H]

I'm the third.

[A]

This is a segment we call. Call a Heroin Addict. Exciting stuff. The call is going into Jacob Hatzon, Bueller Senior. Here we go.

[C]

Right where he won't hit you.

[A]

He's right up to the bottom of it. Flat, like, flat in the middle. Yep. Jacob.

[H]

Oh, that was not it.

[A]

Yeah, that's a voicemail.

[F]

He's.

[H]

He's had many numbers. I'm going to try. I'm going to try another one. Hold on.

[F]

Hey, did that say something about SoundCloud?

[H]

I have no idea.

[A]

Okay, try again. Have your dad sound. I got one more.

[H]

He switches numbers all the time. I have no idea.

[A]

Welcome to Verizon Wireless. Oh, you're fucking all right, Jacob. Well, that sucks. That's it. There you go, Jacob Hatzenberger.

[I]

Here's a little.

[A]

Here's a little keychain. There you go. We tried. Sometimes it works out. Sometimes phones are shut off. It only took seven minutes for no phone call. No big deal. Who's paying attention? You guys still having fun out there? Your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Brandon Michael. And here we go. A lot of these comedians have been here all day. Here's Brandon Michael.

[K]

I'm gonna give you guys a little fair warning. I just took two baby aspirins, so if I seem a little shaky up here, I apologize in advance. A fun fact about me, I can't really smoke weed no matter how hard I try. Two puffs in, I immediately start feeling like Forest Whitaker's left eye. Alcohol is even worse. I don't think I've had enough hardship to properly Enjoy my alcohol, but I think for me, more, it's the taste. The other day I had my first ipa. It was so dark, I had to trace it down with a child support payment. So I can't wear plaid. I've noticed that. Yeah. The other day I went on a work dinner to Benihana. They sat us at a table full of lesbians. At the end of the picture or at the end of the dinner, we took a picture. I couldn't fucking find myself. That's my time, though. I appreciate you guys.

[A]

Thank you. Holy shit. Brandon. Michael. How are you, bud?

[K]

How are you, Tony? If I seem out of breath, I ran over here.

[A]

And this body is not about Iran here. If I seem a little shaky, I took baby aspirin. If these jokes don't work, it's because my sense of humor's off.

[K]

Accurate.

[A]

You're like the excuse guy.

[K]

What can I say?

[A]

What can I say that I haven't said a thousand times before? Tony, if you didn't like that line, it's because I had a Gatorade at lunch.

[K]

That's accurate.

[C]

He's like a Jewy red band.

[A]

Get it together, sucker.

[K]

That's. That means a lot coming from Chris Christie. I appreciate that.

[L]

Thank you, sir.

[A]

Wait, which one?

[K]

Oh, no. My bad, I guess.

[A]

Who. Who was that directed towards?

[K]

I was just.

[A]

Russell. Peter. You called Russell Peters?

[M]

He's got a.

[K]

He's a Blue Jays fan, too. I revoke that statement. I apologize.

[A]

Oh, my goodness.

[F]

Are you blind, too?

[K]

I just turned at an angle. I'm not Bill Nye that looks around the corner guy. I didn't know.

[A]

Crazy roast joke. You obese white politician. Russell. American guy. Oops. Good one, Tony. Means a lot coming from the powered forward for the Lakers. You're wacky, dude.

[K]

Oh, I apologize.

[A]

Okay, I do apologize. So you're Canadian?

[K]

No, I'm actually. I was born in North Carolina, raised in Chicago.

[A]

North Carolina, Raised in Chicago. Is that where you live now?

[K]

No, now I live in. Right outside of Oklahoma. And Anna.

[A]

Okay. What are you doing there? What do you do for work?

[K]

Right now? It's mainly been doing stand up and just doordash here and there.

[A]

Okay. The.

[F]

Mostly doordash.

[K]

You would be surprised. You would be surprised. I opened up for Holtzman not too long ago. We're crawling. We're crawling.

[C]

Apparently you opened up a Coca Cola before the show.

[F]

What happened to that shirt?

[K]

That's accurate.

[F]

Is your shirt also your jizz rag at the same time?

[K]

If I told you, it wouldn't be a secret. That's the only downside.

[A]

You know, you're a silly guy. How old are you?

[K]

I just turned 27.

[A]

27. What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand up?

[K]

So I'm a big sports guy. I'm in there. Anything from like nascar, football, soccer, baseball, hockey, I'm your guy.

[A]

Wow, you're my guy.

[K]

Oh yeah. 100 when it comes to sports, yeah.

[A]

Oh my goodness.

[F]

So you like athletics but you don't actually do athletics?

[K]

I was actually quite an athlete back in the day.

[A]

Let the record kind of athlete, where you catch.

[K]

I was a quarterback. You would never know.

[A]

Now I know you were a quarterback.

[K]

I can throw a piece through a Cheerio. There, no question about it. You might have been a. I swear on my life, Tony.

[A]

Wow, you were.

[K]

I promise. You'll shit your pants.

[A]

I promise you I'll shit my pants.

[K]

You'll have a full diaper.

[A]

You're so good at sports. I'll shit my pants.

[K]

What can I say? You said it, not me.

[A]

Tony, what can I say? You're full of catchphrases. Oh, gosh. You could throw a pea through a Cheerio.

[M]

Oh yeah.

[K]

With one eye closed and my pinky behind my back.

[A]

I'm telling you, you have the spirit of a 98 year old man can.

[K]

And the back pain.

[A]

I probably back in my day, I could throw a beat. Throw a goddamn cheerio. A 26 year old with a grandpa trapped in your body?

[K]

I'm getting there.

[A]

Holy. So you went from quarterback to quarter pounders real, huh?

[K]

I wish I could disagree. I'm gonna be honest.

[A]

I wish I could disagree with you, Tony, but I can't. I goddamn dead. I went. I stopped playing sports and I started eating a lot. But that doesn't mean that I. Back in my day, I wasn't doing something special. I'll tell you right now, and I'll say it again and I'll say it at that point thousand times before and then I'll tell you and you'll see, one day you're gonna your pants. When you see that I'm telling you the absolute truth and there's nothing about it that I wouldn't change for the world. And if I did change it, I'd change it back a thousand times over. And if I did that, you wouldn't even know. You are out of control. You're good at everything. Except for the comedy part. You're everything except funny. Have you ever thought about running for political office? Office?

[C]

He's not thinking about running at All.

[A]

I'm gonna go door to door. I'm gonna go door to door. I'm gonna dash from door to door. I'm gonna go from door dash to dashing the doors for you, the people. What can I say? You're full of catching.

[K]

What can I say?

[A]

What can I say? What is your ethnicity?

[K]

I'm just white, but like kind of a little heavy.

[A]

Heavy white.

[K]

Heavy what?

[A]

A heavy white.

[K]

I think that's what they call it. I read that somewhere.

[A]

I tell you. I think I read it somewhere when I was looking at the periodicals on the dailies. What can I say that I haven't read a thousand times before?

[C]

Tony, it's got a sports almanac in his back pocket.

[K]

Oh, yeah, that's actually an erection. We'll cross that bridge later.

[A]

I guess we'll cross that bridge when there's a bridge to be burnt. That's actually the sound that I hear in my head after every. Every single one of my lines. It's absolutely incredible. And you can't spell incredible without credible. And that's what I am. Tony. Touchdown. That's the bell from Jermaine Taylor. Kelly Pavlik, round 11. Oh, I know that. Mickey Mantle, 1947.

[K]

You're not that far off. That's what's embarrassing.

[A]

Absolutely.

[C]

So that's the part that's embarrassing.

[A]

So it is incredible. Russell, you've performed in the Middle east many, many times.

[C]

Correct.

[A]

And it is very dry out there. Have you ever seen anywhere drier? What's drier there? Or the pussies in the room when this guy came on stage?

[K]

Hey, you would be amazed.

[A]

You would be amazed. Tony. I'll tell you this. I'll tell you this right now. Tony. I know what you're thinking. Tony. No, no, no, Tony. No. I know what you're thinking right now, but let me tell you something. I could throw a pee pee through a Cheerio. I'll absolutely get laid with anyone, anytime, anything. And I'll tell you this, once you go with me, you never go back to anything. We have a catchphrase for that.

[K]

Not yet.

[A]

You have any special. You have any special moves in the bedroom that you like to do? We learned a lot about the G spot, the A, and this thing I've never heard of called the clitoris.

[K]

Today I have one called Ouch. That's my ankle.

[A]

Okay. How does that go? Explain that to us.

[K]

If I told you, it wouldn't be a secret. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Donnie, if I told. You're out of control. I could talk to you forever. This is unbelievable.

[K]

I promise, man. I'm telling you, I am not a dude. I fucked up running here. You know how much? When's the last time I ran? People, let's be serious.

[A]

You fucked what?

[K]

I fucking killed my fucking lung, my kidney, you know.

[A]

What do you mean?

[K]

I'm pretty sure I got osteoporosis running over here.

[A]

How do you have osteoporosis?

[K]

I'm telling you. I was high kneeing it. I'm telling you, dude. I was trudging over here.

[A]

You were running over here. That hurts me.

[K]

That hurts me. That hurts me. I'm gonna be honest with you.

[A]

You've hurt me.

[K]

This guy's an animal. Jesus.

[A]

Wait.

[K]

The trees like a Keebler elf. Jesus Christ. This guy's a madman. I'm telling you.

[A]

You are the funniest, unfunny person ever think that. This is a fucking anomaly in the history of the show. He is both extremely not funny and extremely fucking funny at the same time.

[K]

You grab the biggest kid and make him do a 40 yard dash and then say, you got 60 seconds, Sonny. I was hanging on, okay? I'm going to be honest with you. I could have beat Rich Eisen running here. You know what I'm saying? I was trying to.

[C]

He's like a pager in Lebanon, you know, he's an ironic kind of bombing.

[A]

Yeah. And he is going off right now.

[K]

I revoke what I see. He's a Blue Jays fan. I'm fucking. That's all me, Russell. I apologize.

[A]

I am.

[C]

I don't watch baseball at all.

[K]

Oh, geez. Now I'm back to where I stood initially. I take it back. I stood by what I said. And here we are.

[E]

Here I am.

[K]

You know what I'm saying? Back as the governor of New Jersey, something. You were wearing a jean jacket. My mom wears jean jackets. I thought we had something and now you lost me. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Tell you, Russell, I was gonna be your best friend, but I changed my mind.

[K]

I was gonna.

[A]

I swear to God, I do with the Toronto Blue Jays what I do with a treadmill. I stand by it. I don't get on it. I don't get on it all the way, but I stand by it. And I stood by you. And now I don't stand by you anymore. Yep. Now I'm going out to get a protein shake. What can I say? It's the best part of the gym. Sometimes I go there just for the protein shake and then I leave I don't really need a workout. The protein shake gives me energy. What am I gonna do? I'm gonna have some steps. I'm gonna get some steps in that day.

[K]

I've Never had a 13 year old boy play me so accurately.

[A]

Actually, I'm pretty sure.

[C]

Shots fired, shots fired.

[A]

I'm pretty sure you have been played by a 13 year old boy before.

[K]

I don't think it's cholesterol, Donnie.

[A]

Are you calling me a predator? Because I am not and I never would be. I don't do that. I've watched some games with some kids. Kids before. I taught him how to kick a field goal a couple times. I used to do that too.

[K]

If I ever lift my leg that high, Tony, I'm telling you, it'll be a crazy day.

[A]

What is your accent? None of the places that you've said have given me this. Boston sports radio, Tony. If I said it once. Oh, it was a bit of Chicago. How long were you in Chicago for?

[K]

I think like four or five years.

[A]

Only four or five years? You learn a lot with all this wisdom.

[K]

I had a kid tell his girlfriend or his brother once his mom's so fat Thanos had to snap twice. Those kids are crazy down there. You learn quick. I'm telling you, Tony, I'm telling you,

[A]

Tony, I'm telling you.

[K]

I'm serious.

[A]

You need to get made, Tony, I'm telling you. Can I just call you that? That should be your stage name, Brandon Michael. So boring. You should change it to Tony, I'm telling you. Oh gee. First name, Tony, last name. I'm telling you.

[C]

The king of non sequiturs.

[A]

Yeah, Tony, I'm telling you. And I swear to God, and I wouldn't swear to God if he was here, but I swear to him right now, in real life, I mean the figure of speech, not the actual thing. I would never do that to the Lord and Savior Jesus.

[K]

I'm not too religious. I'm not too religious. I do enjoy watching Passion of the Christ backwards though sometimes. It's so nice to watch those Romans help Jesus get down from there. I'm not a fucking shithead, sir. Not a fucking shit.

[A]

I keep looking back, he's not like. So wait, how long have you been doing stand up?

[K]

Only about a year and a couple months.

[A]

Where have you been doing it at?

[K]

Mainly hyenas. That was like kind of my open mic club. Yeah, and I've kind of expanded a little bit.

[A]

And that's where your baseball.

[C]

I'd say I've expanded a Little bit.

[K]

Oh, that's accurate. You and my doctor both, pal.

[A]

But, yeah, you and my doctor, you're a silly fucking goose.

[K]

But, yeah, no, basically, around here in

[A]

Dallas, close with your father?

[K]

No, he was kind of, you know, one of those. I just. I couldn't do it. You ask him a question, it turns into a fucking speech. You know, we just.

[A]

Your dad would go on long diet tribes.

[K]

Yeah, I just. I couldn't do it.

[A]

I'm honest, you know, Tony, I'm an honest guy. I don't know what you want me to say, but I'm telling you, I'm an honest guy. I'll be honest with you forever. I'll be your best friend. I'll teach you how to throw a military missile right through a carabiner.

[K]

I don't have the hands for that.

[A]

What?

[K]

I feel like that would take a lot of, like, using needles and shit. That's not really me. Tony, I'm going to be honest with you.

[C]

What he's saying is he's not dainty.

[I]

Yeah.

[K]

Thank you. Russell gets it.

[A]

He's. He's al dente.

[C]

Yeah, he's al dente. Yeah.

[K]

The day I'm dainty, you'll be Jewish. You know what I'm saying? Just. There's no way. I don't have.

[I]

Stop.

[A]

Don't try to be friends. Funny, Brandon. I'm not try. There is only do.

[K]

I am not that guy. I promise you. I'm a.

[A]

See what I mean? When you don't do it, it's unbelievable. You don't even know how funny you are.

[K]

Thank you. Words my father never told me. I appreciate you, sir.

[H]

He's of the 20.

[A]

He's to the 25. 30. 30. All right, all right. Red band. Jesus. Okay, stop. We're gonna get him out of here. Brandon, any parting words? Any last thing that you want to say? How do you feel this went? How?

[K]

Dude, I'm gonna be honest. I kind of shit the bed early. But I think you guys saw I can tell a joke and I'm not an asshole.

[A]

You know what? You know what I always say, my friend? You know what I. You know what I'm gonna say right now? Shitting the bed is one of the side effects of taking two baby aspirin before you come up here.

[K]

Prescription strength.

[A]

Prescription. Wait, stop. How do you get prescript. Prescription strength. Baby aspirin. And why are you saying that without a smile on your face? I'm telling you, Tony. I'm telling you. What do you want me to say? I had a Headache? Someone had prescription strength baby aspirin. I'm high on fentanyl right now. There's no such thing as baby aspirin. Prescription strength, that's called aspirin.

[K]

That's what they want you to think.

[A]

That's senior aspirin correspondent Brian Redban here. The bionic man. He's been looking for baby aspirin his whole goddamn life. Ah, shit. You are unbelievable. There's nothing I can do for you.

[C]

But maybe we get him a box of Cheerios. Yeah, and so he can throw a pee through it.

[A]

What do you do for work again?

[K]

I've really just been door dashing. I work door guy at Hyenas sometimes too.

[A]

But why, why Dallas? Why are you there?

[K]

What do you mean? I'm not exactly in the, you know, financial infrastructure to pick a place and just go, oh, huh, There. You know what I'm saying? Okay, I'm a Dallas guy. But roughly Dallas.

[A]

Why are you a roughly a Dallas guy?

[K]

Well, we originally moved here my senior year of football.

[A]

Who's we?

[K]

I moved with my mom and dad.

[A]

Right. Mom and dad.

[K]

Around 2014. And then I've just kind of been here since.

[A]

Okay. And you were Friday Night Lights.

[K]

Yeah, you could say that. One time we ran out of power. But we'll fucking. We'll brush that under the rug, you know what I'm saying?

[A]

I gotta get you outta here, dude. I give you a big joke book already.

[K]

No, I appreciate it.

[A]

You got it. You're just too silly of a goose. Fill that up. Brandon Michael. Brandon Michael. Or as I'm gonna call him from now on, Tony. I'm telling you, the Kill Tony. Debut of Tony, last name. I'm telling you, it's a wild show. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Chase Moat. Here comes Chase Moat, everybody.

[E]

All right.

[N]

I've been thinking about sobriety lately. I think alcohol makes you dumb, but I think weed makes you autistic. I got a buddy that can identify any car maker, model. Every time we smoke weed, we'll be driving. I'll be like, oh, shit, dude, is that a cop? He's like, no, that's a Toyota Scion. We drive on like, oh, shit, dude, is that a cop? No, that's a Ford. They stopped using Fords in 06. We'll be smoking. I'll be like, oh, shit, dude, is that a cop? He said, bro, you're in my living room. Lately I've been On the Delta 8 thing, you know, the legal weed. You don't know what that is? It's like classic weed with a few things replaced, removed, or modified. You know, classic weed. A few things replaced and removed or modified. It's like trans weed. I had a buddy that was like, is this real weed? I was like, that's transphobic. He was like, is this legal? I was like, for now.

[L]

All right.

[N]

Thank you.

[A]

All right. Chase Mote has a super fan over here. This is absolutely incredible. How high are you, sir?

[N]

Thanks.

[A]

You're fucking drunk. Absolutely amazing. Hi, Chase. How are you?

[N]

I'm doing good, Tony.

[A]

Good. How long you been doing stand up?

[N]

Going on four years.

[A]

Where at?

[N]

Alabama.

[A]

All of it. In Alabama?

[N]

Yeah.

[A]

Have you been on the show before?

[N]

I was on the show before. I don't like to talk about it.

[A]

Okay. All right. What happened? I don't know.

[N]

You called me the Birmingham Bomber.

[A]

I thought that had a lot of,

[N]

like, 16th Street Baptist Church vibes, and I didn't like it.

[A]

Okay, well, welcome back, Birmingham Bomber. Thanks.

[N]

Hey, if it sticks, I'll take it. All right.

[A]

What do you do for work right now?

[N]

I drive for Amazon.

[A]

Okay.

[N]

Yeah, driving for Amazon.

[C]

Does your friend know what kind of car that is?

[N]

It changes every day. Dude, it's a trip. It's wild.

[J]

Is it?

[N]

I think so. Sometimes it's a Ford, sometimes it's a Sprinter, sometimes it's a.

[A]

You know.

[F]

That's crazy.

[N]

Well, the cops haven't. Dude, Amazon just got on the Ford Rams. They have the widest cargo space. Okay. Y' all don't care.

[A]

Chase, what else in life? You still live in Birmingham?

[N]

No, I'm here now. I live here.

[A]

How long have you been here?

[N]

Like four months.

[A]

Okay. What's your living situation?

[N]

Me and my wife bought a house. I live with my wife, my kid. We bought a manufactured home and a manufactured home community.

[A]

What does that mean, manufactured home?

[N]

It's like a trailer park without wheels.

[H]

That's.

[N]

That's it.

[A]

Storage container. Right?

[E]

Like.

[N]

No, I mean, it's a trailer. Just. They make it look nice.

[A]

No wheels, no wheels.

[N]

They bring it in, and then they just leave it on the cinder block there forever. You can move it.

[A]

How can you. But it takes a lot of work. Work?

[N]

I think money. But, yeah, I want to do the work. But it takes a lot of money, right?

[A]

Absolutely. That would be the sound of it.

[N]

Yeah.

[A]

So how old's your kid?

[N]

He will be four in January.

[A]

And how long you been with your wife?

[N]

Eight years. Going on eight years.

[A]

Eight years. What does she do for a living?

[N]

Reverse mortgage loan processor.

[A]

So she's kind of the Breadwinner in the family.

[N]

Hell, yeah, dude.

[A]

My goodness gracious.

[N]

Yeah, the pendulum is swamp young. They're making the money.

[A]

Yeah, definitely. What ethnicity is she? She's a white. Okay.

[C]

He's from Alabama.

[A]

Yeah, no, I know. I just wanted to see how he would say it and it came out. Best case scenario, she's either gonna be

[C]

white or related to him. One or the other.

[A]

Yeah.

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

I just love how it starts with an H down there in Alabama. She's Hawaii. A white. A white. A.

[N]

A classical white.

[A]

Okay. And so she is the breadwinner. So you have to keep her very happy. Right, Chase? You have any tricks to that?

[N]

Yeah, I got so many tricks, dude. I got so many.

[A]

Rattle them off for us. All right.

[N]

Rattle them off. I'm super kind to her. I.

[A]

Listen. We have a gay man, ladies and gentlemen. All right, he has come out of the club.

[N]

Look, I love monogamy. That's what I'm about.

[A]

Wow. He's a gay lying man. Everybody a gay liar. Pants are on fire. Cause he's flaming.

[N]

Yes, I love me hot.

[A]

Okay. How else do you please her?

[N]

Do you have specific questions?

[A]

Yep. Yeah, keep going.

[N]

All right. You know, I talked about listening into her feelings. I'll initiate a lot. I'll initiate the dishwasher and sex. I'll initiate sex.

[A]

If the roles were reversed and you're reversing mortgaging. She's a dirty Amazon delivery driver.

[N]

Hell, yeah.

[A]

Right. Do you think you would be the same person? Do you think you'd be as nice? Do you think you'd be as giving? Or do you think you'd be like,

[E]

give me some food.

[N]

Oh, if I made all the money, would I be nicer or would I be meaner?

[A]

Well, no. Would you be exactly as nice as you are now? Would you be slightly. Just ever so slightly less nice?

[N]

Yeah, probably.

[K]

I mean, I don't know what the.

[A]

Perfect.

[N]

Yeah, absolutely.

[A]

No, I just wanted to get that on record.

[N]

No, you gotta watch your song if you're not making the money. I. I think women learned that, and now we got to learn it.

[A]

I just wanted. When your wife's watching this, I want her to be like, God damn it. What the fuck, Chase?

[C]

My wife's. My wife's mouthy as fuck, and I didn't say that.

[N]

I did not say that.

[A]

I did not.

[N]

What do you do about that?

[C]

I go on the road.

[F]

Perfect answer.

[A]

The Russell Peters tour starts next week in Chicago. Russell Peterson for tickets. Most interesting thing about you, Chase.

[N]

I knew it was coming. Can I Rattle them off.

[A]

Sure.

[N]

Pick it. I won a high school drag show.

[F]

You were right about the gay.

[A]

For the record, I called him gay nine minutes ago.

[C]

The other heel just dropped.

[N]

Drag isn't gay, it's just pretend.

[D]

I don't know.

[K]

Pretend gay.

[C]

Sure, sure.

[N]

No, it was in high school. My high school put on a drag show.

[C]

Was it drag racing or.

[N]

No, they were like, the only way to have drag in schools is if the kids do drag. I guess. I don't know.

[F]

So there's no way they could have drag. I won.

[N]

I won.

[C]

Well, you're the best one.

[N]

Yeah.

[A]

How many of you want to see him reenact his drag show from? This is God damn unbelievable. Okay. I'm just glad it's not in front of school children. Well, this was all right.

[N]

Freshmen and seniors, let me set the scene. I'm a sexy cop. Dad's the police officer, the vice principal just read off out. I like to beat guys with my naughty nightstick. All those things. So I walk up to the mic. Two words, boys. Spread them.

[A]

Oh, my God, I regret this.

[N]

We were never allowed to use a mic again. The mic got taken away.

[A]

Stop, stop, stop. With the gay lighting and everything. Jesus, I didn't even know you guys had that lighting package back there. Just rainbow strobes all of a sudden. I specifically requested it, but, I mean, I didn't think we would do it on this show. That's for after hours. Oh, yeah. Oh, my goodness. Okay, guys, that's another enough. Michael, relax. Jesus. Michael Gonzalez has been waiting years for this drag show opportunity. On this show they're working out.

[N]

I was underage at the time.

[A]

It's like the segment ended two minutes ago. Michael, he's like, come on, give me some.

[N]

That 15 year old body was nice, right?

[A]

All right, so you said you're gonna rattle off a bunch of stuff. You rattled one off. And then we went full stop. What else you got?

[N]

Yeah, that was fun. I've had a lot of concussions. I've had a lot of concussions.

[C]

Is it from the gay bashing or

[N]

no, no, they were from a lot of different things.

[A]

Yeah. Alabama drag. They make you dress like a woman, then they beat the shit out of you. Get over here, you faggot. You're like, wait, you put together the event. There was a rainbow lighting. What the fuck? Ow. I'm concussed. And now I'm shot. Oh. And I've been bounced off of something. That was the worst one.

[N]

Don't say that.

[A]

The cannon was really the icing on the cake there.

[N]

Yeah.

[A]

All right, Chase, I'm going to get you the out of here.

[E]

All right, cool.

[N]

Thank you.

[A]

You already have a joke book.

[N]

A little one.

[A]

Yeah, that sounds about right. There he goes. Chase Moat, ladies and gentlemen. All right, ladies and gentlemen, one final bucket poll. How we feeling? This is the latest we've ever gone on a Monday night. You guys still with us? Make some fucking noise for your final bucket poll of the night. We're gonna meet them all together. Make some noise for Fantasia Wilhoyt. Fantasia Wilhoyt.

[G]

I bet none of you expected a white girl to pop out, did you? No. Nope. But it's me. I have your buddy, I'm Fantasia. I'm a mom. That's probably my favorite thing. But it's a little tough because you gotta give tough love to these kids. Cause when we were kids, the biggest comeback was, oh yeah, well I'm rubber and you're glue. Whatever you say, bounce off me and sticks to you. And we were like, fuck, he just got roasted. And now people are like, hey, on Friday I get my allowance. I'm about to watch your mom get fucked on our only fans. And I'm like, I'm not prepared for that. Like, like I'm not. And my daughter, she's gonna be 12 next week and she just got a phone. I'm worried cause if I see 12 year old titties it's gonna be fucking hell in my house. I remember when I was younger your titties got leaked. God fucking forbid. The whole school found out. And you had to tell your parents. Cause fuck that. But now you tell people like, hey, I saw your tits. And they're like, was it a picture or a video? Which one? I don't know which one you saw, there's tons but. But half the time they leaked it theirself because you know, she's competing with her mom now for only fans, but they might give a promo. You could get two for one, you know, so who knows? But thank you.

[A]

Holy shit. Unbelievable. How are ya?

[G]

I'm so fucking excited. I've been outside since fucking 10am Guys.

[A]

Is that cause you're homeless?

[G]

No, I came here from Florida. I'm trying to escape the hurricane.

[A]

Oh my goodness, goodness gracious. So what part of Florida do you live in?

[G]

I live in Port St. Lucie. There's nothing there. So.

[A]

I know about Port St. Louis.

[G]

Oh yeah, it's, it's getting, it's growing. So.

[A]

All right. Is Port St Lucie also what guys call your vagina?

[B]

No, no, no.

[A]

Because It's Lucy.

[B]

No.

[A]

Okay. What do you do for work? Fantasia Wilhoit.

[G]

So I'd have two jobs.

[A]

Roller derby.

[G]

Okay. I used to. I used to. Listen. I have seven brothers. You have to grow up to be a tough.

[A]

Okay?

[G]

You do. You have to.

[A]

You have two jobs. You're a manager at a strip club.

[G]

I am not. I am a massage therapist.

[A]

That was my next guest. And number two is a gas station attendant.

[G]

No, I actually am an alternative, like, fashion model. That is my job.

[A]

Okay. I see. Representing the Kansas City Chiefs.

[G]

Yeah, we won today and the Cowboys won yesterday, so I'm pretty excited about that too.

[A]

Wow.

[G]

I like both. Okay. Patrick Mahomes is a Texas boy. He played a Texas Tech. Give me a break.

[A]

Okay. We get it. You look Patrick Mahomeless.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

You look like a Travis Kel C. Word.

[G]

I do.

[A]

These are cheap chief's jokes about females that I'm coming up with.

[G]

I'm often told I'm a real connoisseur, so.

[A]

Okay. All right. What's your love life like? You seem like the kind of girl that would absolutely take anything.

[G]

Well, I mean, earlier. I know we talked about the molestation thing, so I guess you have trauma.

[A]

So when you say earlier, what do you mean exactly?

[G]

I was here for the earlier show, the standby show.

[M]

What?

[A]

Wait, what do you. You were in the audience at another taping of this show?

[G]

Yeah, earlier today.

[A]

Okay. Right. Yes. Well, that is. That's. Yeah, that's nothing to do with anything.

[G]

Well, I was.

[A]

That was a different show.

[G]

Well, I was talking about, like, the trauma and.

[A]

We didn't talk about anything.

[G]

No, I was just talking about, like, things.

[A]

So let's just start from scratch.

[G]

I'm sorry. I'm just nervous. I'm very excited. I'm just nervous.

[A]

It's okay. So what was the fucking question again?

[G]

My love life.

[A]

Here we go. Ready for this? What's your love life like?

[G]

It's good, but I just try to keep it personal.

[C]

Do you have an onlyfans?

[G]

I do not.

[K]

Oh.

[A]

Huh. Okay.

[G]

I try not to, like, have that title. I don't want to be an only fans girl. I have nothing against it. I just don't want to do it.

[I]

You look it.

[G]

I know. Thank you.

[A]

You don't care.

[G]

I take it as a compliment. That just means that I'm pretty, so whatever.

[A]

Kind of.

[F]

Yeah, it's fine.

[G]

I don't care. It's fine.

[A]

You do have a little swagger to you.

[G]

Yeah, I think I'm pretty cool. I mean, I have A lot of tattoos and, I mean, I usually get along with most people. I like to think I'm pretty nice. I've had a hard life, so I try to be the best person that I can.

[A]

Wow. Okay, There you go, Silly Eilish, ladies and gentlemen. So if you don't want to talk about your personal life, can you give us some more interesting fun facts about.

[G]

Sure. I mean, I was a foster kid for a long time.

[A]

We already knew that. What else?

[G]

Of course, before I did massage, I used to run a date Denny's in the hood. So that was probably my favorite job I've ever had.

[A]

A Denny's in the hood.

[G]

Yeah, I used to fight strippers in the bathroom. They would come, get off work and just be like, lit and just throw money at me. Like it's gonna make it okay. I've been in more fights than I would care to imagine. At Denny's.

[A]

No, you were in a Florida Denny's in the hood.

[G]

Yeah. Riviera beach, if you know anything about that. It's pretty rough there.

[C]

Like, the only thing worse is a Waffle House in that area.

[G]

It definitely is. Yeah.

[A]

So interesting. How did the 12 year old happen? Is that your only kid?

[G]

That is my only kid. Yep. I had her when I was 19. I got pregnant at 18, but I was married, so when I got pregnant.

[A]

Is he on Onlyfans?

[G]

Nope, he's in prison.

[A]

Oh, look at only Feds.

[F]

I can't believe the father of your children is in prison. That's unbelievable.

[G]

Her biological father is in prison, but. But she has a great dad in her life and he's been there since before she was one. And he is the best man ever. So he. She has a great dad. Yeah.

[A]

Amazing.

[G]

Yeah, he's amazing.

[A]

Amazing. What did her biological dad go to prison for?

[G]

Are you ready?

[A]

Yeah.

[G]

Child pornography.

[A]

Oh, God.

[G]

I swear to God.

[M]

When?

[F]

Did he write this for you or.

[C]

I'm sorry, did he write that set for you?

[G]

No, he did not. No.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. So how did this go down? What did. What happened?

[G]

So we were like, freshly married when I was 18 and I had left to go to.

[A]

How old was he?

[G]

He was 20. He's two years older than me. We went to like high school together and we lived on a military base. He was in the military. And I left to go to the store and my daughter was there and I got a phone call 20 minutes after I left that I had to go home because the police were there. And I was like, what the fuck is happening? And they showed Me, a search warrant that they had for child porn. And I was like, okay, well, like, I'm not in trouble, so, like, can I have my kid? And they're like, nah, we gotta talk to you. And I'm like, oh, yay. But it was like, real, like, criminal mind shit. Like, I'm driving down my road. The whole road is, like, filled with cops. I have to, like, drive through yards to get to my house. It was fucking crazy.

[A]

Okay, so as you approach, that happens. What. What did they end up finding?

[G]

So I don't exactly know because he took a plea deal. So when he went to court, they, like, had, like, a whole deal arranged. But I know they took, like, anything that could hold storage, like a TV, like the DVDs. They went through all the DVDs to make sure they were, like, super legit. Like, real movies. Like, they wanted to take, like, digital picture frame that just had pictures on it because they want to make sure, like, nothing was being hidden. Like, they literally took everything. So I don't know.

[C]

How did you meet the supplemental father?

[G]

Also when I lived there, because it

[C]

seems you met him right away.

[G]

I didn't. It was a little while later, but it was less than a year, so it was kind of fast, I guess.

[A]

But did you meet him at a bar?

[G]

No. My friend, she was moving, and at the time I had a cleaning business. Like, when the military families move, they have to have, like, their house spotless. So they would hire me, and I was helping my friend clean her house, and he was there with her husband.

[A]

Clean their hard drives also.

[G]

Absolutely, absolutely. I don't want caught at another house like that. Come on.

[A]

Okay, so have you ever been into drugs or anything like that?

[G]

Never. I never even smoked weed until I was 27, but now I love to smoke weed.

[F]

You look like bath salts. To be honest with you, I really,

[G]

really have never tried another drug beside besides weed, so.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

You look like you might have dated his father, the guy from Montana, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[G]

Actually believe before I got all these tattoos, I actually wanted to be a police officer. So I didn't try drugs because I knew I would have to pass all these tests, so.

[L]

Wow.

[A]

Absolutely incredible. So how long have you been doing stand up?

[G]

This is my first time on stage ever.

[A]

First time ever on a stage. You've never been on a stage before for anything?

[G]

I do like karaoke, but that's it.

[A]

What's your song at karaoke?

[G]

Carrie Underwood. Before he cheats.

[C]

Wow. Before he cheats or I do.

[G]

Gretchen Wilson here for the party. I like that song.

[C]

Or your baby daddy, Carrie. Underage. He likes that.

[G]

He really does.

[A]

Congratulations, Fantasia. You did it. You got on the show. Here's a medium sized joke. Feel free to fill it up with crazy it. Sign up sometime, we'll do it again. There goes Fantasia Wilhoyt, ladies and gentlemen. Did you guys have a fun night tonight? Well, you know the way I look at things, there's only one of two ways to end an episode like this. And the usual way of ending it is not here. Tonight. However, the only other reasonable option in the world, I think, is to bring to the stage one of the fastest rising comedy stars in the world. I mean, where do I even begin? He's a fucking cold blooded assassin. So many levels accomplished on this show. The only one left is him becoming a citizen of the United States of America. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the one and only, the great and powerful, the Estonian assassin. This is Ari Matti.

[I]

Hey, men, stop shaming sluts. We love them. You know, some guys are like, oh, she's fucked everybody. Oh, you mean she's an angel. I'm 32 years old. I need time on court. I don't want to go to a restaurant that's empty. If I see a line, then I'm

[K]

like,

[I]

what's the special? I don't want to board a ship where it's the captain's first day out at sea. I want to see the captain with the fucking wooden leg eye patch. I've been sucking dick since Woodstock. I don't want. I don't want no shell shocked virgin approaching my dick like you're a contestant on Fear Factor. I want you to treat my dick like you're a bartender when he's flaring. Thank you so much.

[A]

Fucking un. Fucking believable. I mean, that is how it is done. Wow, what a special treat. I mean, my God. Unbelievably, unbelievably smart and funny. Are you, Maddie?

[I]

Thanks.

[A]

Not only have you done it again, I do believe that's one of my favorite sets of yours I've ever seen. Oh, wow. Absolutely incredible. It's always shocking to me when this happens. Happens on the rare occasion on someone's 15th or 20th or whatever, however many appearances.

[I]

Yeah, it's a super fun exercise. Writing jokes, trying to get to the

[A]

point quicker and you're competing with only yourself. It's incredible.

[I]

Absolutely. And trying to have fun in the process. The fans are super supportive. Thank you, everybody. Thank you.

[A]

Such an unbelievably distinct style that when you find A great premise. Premise like what you just did. It is just incredible. The references. This that funny. Funny the whole way through. Sam, Tripoli is the one that took me off the stool as a door guy in the back of the Comedy Store and gave me my first opening gig in La Jolla. Comedy Store. That's crazy. And the first comedian that I ever watched do an hour long set and I was so, so hooked and addicted. Sam, what do you think about the young buck? Ari?

[F]

Matty, no wasted lines, bro. Every line is a laugh. It's either a setup or it's either set up to a punch or it's a punch. It's great writing, dude.

[I]

Thank you. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, I've always. I've always been super physical, so it was kind of. When I got to the regular ship, it was in the beginning I was kind of scared of it, you know, but now I look at as a fun exercise.

[L]

Yeah.

[F]

As you get older, you're going to be less physical because you'll be like, fuck, I'm tired, dude.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[F]

So your writing is great and it will pick up where the physical drops off. So you're doing great, dude.

[I]

That's awesome.

[A]

How old are you again, ari?

[I]

I am 32 years young.

[A]

Oh, my goodness gracious. How much fun.

[I]

Yeah, it's amazing. Russell Peters, great to see you.

[C]

You too, Ari. I've been seeing you all weekend, buddy.

[I]

Yeah.

[C]

Never got to watch your set at all. So I'm happy to see what I got to see now.

[I]

Fuck yeah, Russell. It's crazy. I watched you like when I was 14. YouTube in my bed, thick in hand.

[L]

Fair.

[F]

That's the best compliment ever.

[C]

You know, it's funny. Is Fantasia's ex husband.

[I]

I mean, it's child pornography.

[E]

You know,

[C]

it's. It's only illegal in America. Estonia, it's wide open.

[E]

Yeah.

[I]

Oh, legal age of consent in estonia.

[H]

Guess, guess.

[F]

1512, 1444.

[I]

You know, that's where Krystalia up. Location, location, location.

[A]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[I]

Here is a pedophile back in Estonia. My man's a gentleman.

[A]

Wow. Wow. He waited two years. What a nice guy.

[D]

Holy.

[I]

Also, Chris, if you need an opener in Tulsa, I'm here.

[A]

My goodness. Greatness, Ari. Matti is on fire. What else is going on, Ari?

[I]

I went to Las Vegas for the first time.

[A]

Yeah.

[I]

I stayed in the Golden Nugget, which is the worst hotel I've ever stayed in. It's one of those hotels where it's just you and the fan and I'm fucking and I've never gambled, you know, like. Because in Estonia, okay, we have casinos, but it's all owned by like Albanians and you gotta look for your daughter and it's a whole thing. Thing.

[N]

And

[I]

I don't want to. It's not exactly the fun Vegas.

[A]

Oh.

[I]

I don't want to lose a spleen.

[A]

All right. Incredible.

[I]

Just super great.

[F]

Yeah.

[I]

The dealers had big tits, so I lost all the money, but got a smooch later, so.

[A]

Uhoh. Hell yeah. Just you and the fan. Fan of your work.

[I]

A little smooch over here.

[A]

I love it. Ari, Estonia, honestly, Sounds kind of fun.

[I]

Oh, it's so much fun. Visit Estonia, please support our economy, our women. Highest percentage of supermodels per capita in the world, by the way.

[A]

Wow. I believe.

[I]

Which is not, you know, hard because not a lot of people, but it's most.

[C]

That's why the age of consent's 14.

[I]

Exactly.

[K]

That's what I'm saying.

[A]

So what would a crate. What would a wild night in Estonia. If we went to Estonia, you took like the, you know, the main, like whatever six person crew of Hill Tony or whatever. What would a night be like?

[I]

Are we taking Cam?

[A]

Yeah, that's gonna say me, you, Red band Cam. Oh, we leave can at the.

[I]

No, no, no, no.

[A]

Cam can come.

[I]

Cam can come.

[A]

Very welcome. Very welcome.

[I]

Cam.

[A]

Just. If we bring Cam, does the age of consent shoot up a little bit? 25, 26. You don't want any broken Estonian vaginas out there.

[I]

Yeah, that's just, you know, it's gonna be.

[A]

Cam would stand out, you're saying? Yeah,

[M]

yeah,

[A]

okay.

[I]

Like, I remember I knew my friend's grandmother went to. Who's the. Who's the guy?

[K]

The song.

[I]

A beautiful girl. Sean Kingston. Sean Kingston performed in the woods in Estonia. And my friend took his grandmother out and I was like, why's the grandma here? And she looks at me, she goes, I just want to see one before I die.

[A]

Wow.

[I]

Which it's nice in set, sort of, you know.

[A]

Wow.

[I]

It's not, you know, she wasn't hateful about it. She was just, you know, wanted to see something new.

[A]

Wow, look at that. Unbelievable.

[I]

But Cam would be a superstar. There's a guy who moved from Aruba to Estonia back in the day. And when he moved to Estonia, he represented us at Eurovision, you know, Eurovision, Big song contest. And we fucking won. The thing with the guy. So he's like a hero now.

[A]

A black guy moved from Aruba, Estonia. What do you think made him pick Estonia?

[I]

Plenty of pussy Available. I don't know. Yeah, you can be a superstar, you know.

[A]

How many black guys do you think there are?

[I]

We have three. We're working on the fourth.

[A]

No, we have a couple. We have a couple. So let's say we went there. Just the Hawaii.

[N]

Uh huh.

[A]

What would a nice Estonia be?

[I]

Hans too. That's an interesting one. You know, I haven't seen.

[A]

You think that Hans would be a.

[I]

Also very. You know. He will get some interesting comments, you know.

[C]

Comments.

[A]

You don't have many Asians there.

[I]

No.

[A]

How many Asians are in Estonia?

[I]

I knew a guy, he. Well, we heard of him. And then when I went to see the. You know, when I went to visit the great Asian guy, he was like mixed. So he didn't have the full. Full thing eyes, you know. So. So it's kind of like a fraudulent, you know.

[C]

We don't know if Hans has eyes.

[A]

The Hans have eyes. The Hans have eyes. Tony. We should do Kill Tony Estonia just

[H]

to see what happens.

[A]

Oh my God. That's a great idea. Kill Tonia.

[I]

Yeah, kill Tony. Russell said you could sell some shit out there.

[A]

Amazing. So that's great. What else does Estonia specialize in? Before I let you.

[I]

We're like, you know it people. We know about it. You know it. It's like computers and shit. And then. Oh, we invented Skype back in the day. Sold it before it became valuable. So we kind of got fucked on that one. And Chino, man, with Pauly Shore, of

[A]

course, that's a big deal.

[I]

And then.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

Any sports? You guys got any sports?

[A]

We're not, you know,

[I]

we don't.

[C]

Soccer, I guess.

[K]

We are all white.

[I]

So the sports is kinda. Kinda slow.

[A]

Amazing.

[I]

Yeah, we're not really on some skiing. Some skiers were there. We had some fine skiing bitches, but nothing too great. The Olympics were a bit of a rough one for us.

[A]

What happened in the Olympics?

[I]

I could represent Estonia in the Olympics in about six months in any sports. So like you want to do it?

[A]

Tony, did you see that famous clip that was going around from the Estonian guy? The pole vaulter, right? Was it the pole vaulter? I sent it to you.

[C]

You're like.

[I]

With the big dick, you mean?

[A]

Or.

[I]

Or the one that failed or that

[E]

the guy who got his dick cut on the thing?

[A]

No, no, no. Even worse.

[I]

Yeah. There was one that just fell backwards.

[A]

He did. Yeah.

[I]

Like a turtle. He couldn't get up, dude.

[A]

Oh my God.

[I]

Just a of bunch bad look. And I feel, I feel for the guy. He's a nice guy. He's a sweetie pie.

[A]

Amazing. Well, Ari, I gotta tell you, I mean, a set like that, normally we love to have you open. You set such an incredible tone. But on an episode like this, it's incredible to see so many people do so many different types of sets, but you came in and just fucking anchored down and really put on an absolute show. An incredible fucking performance. That's how it's done, Ari. Maddie, ladies and gentlemen. And we did it. This was an episode of Kill. Tony, make some noise for Russell Peters. Russell Peters.com tour starts now in Chicago. How about one more time for Sam Tripoli? Sam tripoli.com 10/15 the tour begins and then or the new special comes out on YouTube.

[F]

October, why is everybody getting quiet? October 15th on rumble.com There you go.

[A]

Sam Tripoli, Russell Peters. Thank you to Squarespace, Game time, Hymns, Talk space and zip Recruiter. The drawing from Ryan J. E Belt is in. The drawing from Chris Rogers is in. What do we got? Cam Patterson tonight. How about one more time for the best damn man in the land? Thank you so much. We love you. Good night, everybody. Thank you. Good night,

[J]

Ra.