#734 - DUSTY SLAY + MARTIN PHILLIPS

Summary

Kill Tony #734 – DUSTY SLAY + MARTIN PHILLIPS

Recorded Live at Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX – September 9, 2025
Panel: Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban, Dusty Slay, Martin Phillips

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Episode Overview

Episode #734 of Kill Tony features the debut of comedian Dusty Slay on the panel, joined by beloved "Kill Tony royalty" Martin Phillips. Together with hosts Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban, they oversee an especially wild night full of brand-new standup sets, unpredictable interviews, and high-energy crowd work. The episode is marked by genuine camaraderie, running gags, and the frequent return to topics like circumcision, non-alcoholic beer, and the realities behind comedians’ day jobs.

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Key Discussion Points & Comedian Performances

1. Panel Introductions & Banter

• [02:24] Tony hypes the new duo on the panel: Netflix’s Dusty Slay (“Wet Heat”) and golden ticket winner Martin Phillips (“I’m the captain now!”).
• [03:52] Dusty and Martin reminisce about first meeting 10 years ago at a tiny show in Portsmouth, VA.

2. Chris Celio – Golden Ticket Winner

• [05:54–13:16] Chris, blind, gives a sharp set about navigating Austin and the perils of sending dick pics.
• Memorable Moment: Panel jokes about blind people’s bathroom habits.
• [08:13] Dusty: “Is it feels? Are you thinking about feels? I mean, these are real questions, right?”
• [12:02] Chris on playing video games blind: “I’ll just run into a wall for like an hour and just be like, I’m gonna get it, you know? God damn it, I’m gonna beat this level.”
• Panel explores how Chris navigates life, cracks jokes about his brother, genetic luck, and his hobbies.

3. Pete Garza

• [14:22–21:12] Edgy material on glory holes, strip clubs, and using two condoms “just hate the way that pussy feels.”
• Interview reveals: Living situation struggles, fired from valet for tardiness, moving from Laredo for UT, surprising admission about a missed threesome due to “too big” a dick pic.
• [20:21] Martin: "Someone would get a full ride if they hooked up with you."

4. Jim Tally

• [22:06–31:10] High-energy set on Elon Musk, Mars travel, Nazi salute, and black anxiety.
• [23:44] Jim sprints in sweating: “You are soaking wet. You look like you were just in a water park.”
• Shares origin story, dating history, bizarre circumcision tale from Africa at 16 (eight shots of anesthesia):
  • [29:43] “My dad actually got his cut with his machete. Cause like, I did my same time. 1, 2, 3. No, teach…”
• Dusty: “Is this when you started doing voices?”
• Girlfriend is a personal trainer, met on Hinge.

5. Hal Soddy

• [31:35–37:09] Six years in standup over 12 years; touches on identity, "hearing flies in my head," Lebanese-Costa Rican background, and his circumcision as an infant.
• Panel jokes about flies PTSD and train collection hobbies.

6. Tripp Callahan

• [37:19–45:52] Set pokes at “tuck-friendly” Target controversy, race and dog breeds, poetic justice for racists.
• Works at H-E-B grocery (produce), shares perks and insider anecdotes.
• Shocking Story: Grew up with a guy who tried to become a serial killer after a failed heroin OD; discussion of his wrestling with his own identity and dark humor.

7. Doug Polk

• [46:45–54:11] "World’s #1 heads-up poker pro," performs second-ever set.
• Material: Non-alcoholic beer purchase before 10am: “When you’re buying non alcoholic beer at 9 in the morning, you know you’re a pretty serious non alcoholic.” (47:12)
• Reveals: Down $700k this year, credits focusing more on comedy, working with Uncle Lazer.
• Discussion of how poker skills transfer (or not) to stand-up.
• Dusty: “Would you say you have to know when to hold ‘em, and know when to fold ‘em?” (51:04)

8. Matt Campbell

• [54:25–64:33] English comic with South African dad, tells jokes about American media, High School Musical, and being a “bar slut.”
• Reveals: 40+ bartending jobs, chlamydia stories, ex-girlfriend cheated with “grandma” (a guy’s code in her phone).
• Panel riffs on heartbreak, the pain of American girls, and cultural adjustments.

9. Mushroom Matt

• [65:09–74:55] Bartender, “bar slut,” and mushroom aficionado.
• Shares raw stories about odd jobs, drug use, quitting after his sweetheart died of an overdose.
• Panel: “You should do cocaine for the interview, and then it would always be lower.”
• On being mistaken for using drugs at work: “I use the restroom a lot... just comes off like I’m doing blow, but I don’t always do blow at work, you know?”

10. Elena P & Dr. Timmy T (Comedy Couple)

• [75:30–88:49] Elena—her first stand-up set, jokes about dating a doctor, “He’s at least fucking them in the call room.”
• Reveals: She’s a photographer and Legree instructor; boyfriend Dr. Timmy T is both a GP and an aspiring comic.
• The doctor joins, performs jokes about Indian restaurants, Jesus’ standards, a patient with a rotting penis (“Never lie to your doctor”).
• [86:13] Dusty to Dr. Timmy T: “How do you treat chlamydia?” – “Doxycycline.”
• Playful riff: “What do you do for fun, Doctor Timmy T?” “Bonsai trees, basketball, and Legos with my girlfriend.”

11. Carlos Lopez

• [89:11–98:13] “Serious cowboy”, brings signature deadpan with punchlines about Amber Alerts, racism, and his own nut allergy (“We have a son now. Swollen for nine fucking months”).
• Transition from 18-wheeler driving to selling manufactured homes (trailers).
• Panel: “Manufactured home… that’s the word for trailer.”

12. Hank Garza

• [98:48–103:50] Jokes on racist algorithms, weed strains, sleep apnea (“take down the hose to go see the hose”), dad life as a stay-at-home father in San Antonio.
• Describes CPAP routine, jokes about cheating with women who also have sleep apnea machines.

13. William Montgomery – The Memphis Strangler

• [105:02–115:53] Hall-of-famer closes show with:
  • Jokes about adopting pound dogs, Amy Schumer pig lung, Cracker Barrel’s rebrand.
  • Opens up about obsession with the song “Softer, Softest” by Hole.
  • Pitch for conspiracy: Courtney Love responsible for multiple suspicious deaths, including Kurt Cobain, Hole’s bassist, and “maybe” 9/11.
  • [110:10] “Well, they’re saying she was the one up in the jail and killed Jeffrey Epstein.”

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• [05:03] Tony Hinchcliffe: “We pull a name out, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted... Anything can happen.”
• [08:09] Dusty Slay on Blind Jokes: “I touched Chris a lot in the back because I wanted him to know I was talking to him…I don’t know if that’s offensive.”
• [29:41] Jim Tally: “I got eight shots of anesthesia to my dick…my dick was done, you know?”
• [47:12] Doug Polk: “When you’re buying non alcoholic beer at 9 in the morning, you know you’re a pretty serious non alcoholic.”
• [51:04] Dusty Slay: “Would you say that you have to know when to hold ‘em, and know when to fold ‘em?”
• [76:26] Elena P: “You think he’s hooking up with nurses in the stairwell? He’s at least fucking them in the call room.”
• [86:13] Dr. Timmy T: “Doxycycline, Mr. Dusty.”
• [91:26] Martin Phillips to Carlos Lopez: “You hung up the old truck nuts, huh?”
• [105:55] Tony Hinchcliffe: “Courtney, don’t. Okay, that’s my time. Thank you.” (William Montgomery’s Kurt Cobain joke)
• [110:46] William Montgomery: “I think Courtney was involved in the bass player’s death…they’re saying she was the one up in the jail and killed Jeffrey Epstein.”

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Segment Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment | |------------|-------------------------------------------------| | 02:24 | Panel introductions, Dusty & Martin banter | | 05:54 | Chris Celio’s set + panel interview | | 14:22 | Pete Garza’s set + job struggles | | 22:06 | Jim Tally’s set + circumcision story | | 31:35 | Hal Soddy’s set, hearing flies, improv history | | 37:19 | Tripp Callahan set, H-E-B insider tales | | 46:45 | Doug Polk (poker pro) & non-alcoholic beer bit | | 54:25 | Matt Campbell (British comic) | | 65:09 | Mushroom Matt (bartender, mushrooms & loss) | | 75:30 | Elena P (first set), joins by Dr. Timmy T | | 89:11 | Carlos Lopez (cowboy, trailers, dad life) | | 98:48 | Hank Garza (algorithms, CPAP, dad) | | 105:02 | William Montgomery (hall of famer, conspiracies)|

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Overall Tone and Highlights

The episode pulses with classic Kill Tony energy: raw, unfiltered, fast-paced, and surprisingly heartfelt. Running gags (dick pics, chlamydia, circumcision) echo through the night. Standout moments include deeply personal stories (circumcision on Christmas, heartbreak via “grandma” texts, losing a loved one to fentanyl). The odd couple Elena P and Dr. Timmy T offer a rom-com-style interlude, while poker phenom Doug Polk reminds everyone how high the stakes of failure and risk can be.

As always, closers William Montgomery and the panel tie the episode together with improvised chaos, meta-humor, and comic camaraderie.

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Essential Quotes with Timestamps

• [08:13] Dusty Slay: “Are you thinking about feels? I mean, these are real questions, right?”
• [29:41] Jim Tally: “I got eight shots of anesthesia to my dick…my dick was done, you know?”
• [47:12] Doug Polk: “When you’re buying non alcoholic beer at 9 in the morning, you know you’re a pretty serious non alcoholic.”
• [76:26] Elena P: “He’s at least fucking them in the call room.”
• [86:13] Dr. Timmy T: “Doxycycline, Mr. Dusty.”
• [105:55] Tony Hinchcliffe: “Courtney, don’t. Okay, that’s my time. Thank you.” (on Kurt Cobain joke)
• [110:46] William Montgomery: “I think Courtney was involved in the bass player’s death…they’re saying she was the one up in the jail and killed Jeffrey Epstein.”

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Conclusion

Episode #734 delivers a quintessentially wild and engaging Kill Tony. The chemistry between the panel, the courage of first-timers, the outrageous panel commentary, and the recurring comedic motifs (from dick jokes to corporate grocery lore to medical mishaps) collectively yield a masterpiece of contemporary live standup. This is Kill Tony at full throttle—revealing, unfiltered, and relentlessly funny.

Transcript

[Red Band]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, literally, whatever. Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[Chris Celio]

It's this Redman coming to you live

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

from the comedy mothership here in Austin,

[Chris Celio]

Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Give it up for Tony Hitch. Guys, who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Yippee. Brian Ripan.

[Chris Celio]

What's up?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The best Sam band in the land, everybody.

[Chris Celio]

Come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fernando Castillo. Raul Vallejo. Carlos Sosa. Michael Gonzalez.

[Martin Phillips]

Nachos Belgrande.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Matt Muling on the electric guitar.

[Martin Phillips]

John D's on the keys, and that's

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

D Madness on the bass guitar, ladies and gentlemen. Wow, what an exciting night we have ahead of us. Ladies and gentlemen.

[Martin Phillips]

I'm so excited about this one. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Every single week, I bring up two

[Martin Phillips]

of the funniest human beings on planet earth to join us. We are coming off hot of what I truly believe is our greatest episode ever with Rob Schneider and Donnell Rawlings. Tonight I present to you another first

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

time duo on panel. One of them has one of the newest specials on Netflix, Wet Heat. The other is Kill Tony royalty being one of the most used and loved golden ticket winners ever. Yet he's never been on panel before. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Dusty Slay and Martin Phillips. Yeah, Dusty. Welcome, Dusty. Martin Phillips. Fuck yeah. This episode brought to you by Shopify. Welcome, welcome, welcome. I.

[Martin Phillips]

This is our first time working together, Dusty.

[Dusty Slay]

Yes, it is.

[Martin Phillips]

We were eating lobster rolls upstairs, having a good old time. I'm excited for you to be here. Dusty has Wet Heat out on Netflix, the podcast.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're having a good time and he's

[Martin Phillips]

on tour@dusty slay.com One of the best comedians working today.

[Dusty Slay]

Thank you, Tony.

[Martin Phillips]

Welcome. I like this panel we have here. You guys look like a before and after for hair. Martin Phillips. How doing down there?

[Captain Phillips]

I'm good, I'm here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Captain Phillips]

I, you know, I started, I started just doing a minute. Now I'm on panel now. I'm the captain now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, There it is. That's why he's wearing the hat. Now it all makes sense.

[Dusty Slay]

You're Captain Phillips, and me and Martin did a show together 10 years ago at an Italian restaurant in Portsmouth, Virginia. And now here we are.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Martin Phillips]

Full circle. Look at that. From Phil Tony to Kill Tony.

[Dusty Slay]

Yes.

[Martin Phillips]

An Italian restaurant to here. Captain Phillips.

[Captain Phillips]

Yes. And I. I came prepared because I knew I'd be up on stage the whole night. So to make sure my head is staying straight, I have a mirror.

[Martin Phillips]

What? Oh, he's got a mirror.

[Captain Phillips]

My head is straight.

[Martin Phillips]

To make sure his head is straight,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you also have a corn cob pipe.

[Captain Phillips]

Yes, I. Turns out I can't keep the earth still, so it got hard.

[Dusty Slay]

The coke's been spilling off in the back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Party machine. Martin Phillips. Dusty slays. First time on this show. Dusty, if you don't know, over 300

[Martin Phillips]

human beings signed up for the opportunity to be on tonight's show. They're all slammed together in a bar next door. If I pull one of their names out like I'm doing right now, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when they hear the sound of a kitten. And that means they have to wrap

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

it up then, or else they bring

[Martin Phillips]

out the angry West Hollywood bear.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's just a loud noise.

[Martin Phillips]

It interrupts them. I conduct an interview, we sit back, we learn more about the people, and we talk to them all together. The whole thing's improvised. Anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

While we go wrangle that first bucket pool, we have a golden ticket winner to start us off with a brand new minute. This is his first time cashing in on his golden ticket. He won it just a few weeks ago when he came out blind as a bat and impressed us all. Ladies and gentlemen, the first Golden Ticket appearance by Chris Celio, everybody. Here he comes.

[Chris Celio]

What up? All right. I had to make sure I fucking just moved here. I moved from Miami. I moved 1,000 miles away from where I grew up my entire life. Now I really don't know where the fuck I am. It's like I'm in a part of a video game that hasn't loaded yet. It sucks that, like, I'm the only guy in here that just gets stuck like a Roomba. Like, if I don't tap, tap, tap and find the exit, I'm just gonna stand there and beep until somebody picks me up. Like, home, home, please. I have to shit. You don't know how long you can hold in A shit into your me. And you never know where another bathroom's ever gonna be. Dude, you're like, well, I guess I'm never gonna shit again. You know, it sucks that, like, I'm the only guy in here that has to send his dick pics to his boys first for approval. Yeah, I gotta be like, yo, yo, yo, yo, is this a good one? And then they get, why is your dog in the shot, Chris? Were you aiming for all balls by chance? This is just half your cock and not the good half. It's all root. Nobody wants all root. Thank you guys very much. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Chris Celio. Hell, yeah. Welcome back to the show, Chris.

[Chris Celio]

This time, this way, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, we're over here.

[Martin Phillips]

There's speakers everywhere. It could be easily confusing. I love that you opened up with the line, what?

[Mushroom Matt]

Up, up.

[Martin Phillips]

Cause you literally don't know. And then I thought of something. When you were talking about taking a shit, I realized, how do you know when you're done wiping, do blind guys.

[Chris Celio]

God damn it, Tony.

[Martin Phillips]

Do blind guys smell the toilet paper?

[Captain Phillips]

You smell your hand?

[Chris Celio]

D Madness. Let's get out of here, dude. We don't have to take this, dude. All right. Somebody walk us out of here, Dude. Fuck, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We've kidnapped both of your handlers. You're gonna be here for the rest of the night. Gonna bring a little porta potty up here.

[Dusty Slay]

I'm fascinated that Chris had observational jokes. I just. I don't know how. I touched Chris a lot in the back because I wanted him to know that I was talking to him, you know, I don't know how blind. I didn't know how to blind. He was. If that makes sense. I don't know if that's offensive.

[Chris Celio]

100. Don't worry.

[Dusty Slay]

I don't think you can ask, you know, is this. You know what I mean?

[Martin Phillips]

I agree completely. It's always. It's always different. It's always, some people have a little bit of this, some people have a little bit of that. Him and D Madness right behind you. Completely 100 blind. Not a single thing to be seen between them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Party time, everybody.

[Martin Phillips]

I love it. So, Chris, how's life been going since your last appearance?

[Chris Celio]

It's been super fun, dude. Yeah, well, doing comedy around Austin, I've been, like, navigating Austin alone, which is terrifying.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Chris Celio]

I had a pretty much homeless Uber driver the other day.

[Martin Phillips]

They all are. But.

[Chris Celio]

Yep.

[Captain Phillips]

I don't think it was an Uber.

[Dusty Slay]

I kind of think it's less scary to not see as you're walking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, it might actually be better for you if you could see what's going on out there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You might move somewhere else.

[Captain Phillips]

Don't go blind again.

[Martin Phillips]

How do you navigate around by yourself? Explain that to us.

[Chris Celio]

Yeah, like, I take a lot of Ubers, you know? This guy was like, literally, like, I am just fumbling my way through homeless encampments, avoiding HIV and stabbings.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Aren't we all?

[Chris Celio]

I kicked the guy's cup the other day and all of his change fell out. Oh, this was like, all of the money I think he owned.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How much was it?

[Martin Phillips]

Could you tell from the sound? Amazing stuff. So, Chris, tell us what the re. What. What do you do with the rest of your days? Like, what else goes on?

[Chris Celio]

I just took off a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Martin Phillips]

Look at that red band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You can go blind any day now.

[Chris Celio]

No, I did.

[Dusty Slay]

When. When. What do you. What are you jerking it to? Really, I wonder. Like, great questions. Is it feels? Are you thinking about feels? I mean, these are real questions, right?

[Chris Celio]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Morgan Freeman's daughter.

[Red Band]

Like, somebody has a great voice.

[Chris Celio]

Yeah, I just.

[Martin Phillips]

What do you think? About what?

[Dusty Slay]

Do you.

[Martin Phillips]

Can you picture things or.

[Chris Celio]

Like, I. I go on pornhub, man. I got a computer, you know, just

[Martin Phillips]

kind of listen to them.

[Chris Celio]

Yeah, I do just listen to it, but I can't, like, listen to a blowjob video.

[Dusty Slay]

Right, yeah,

[Chris Celio]

It's just slurping and gagging. It's not. It's not very accessible. You know, it could be a dude sucking that dude's dick. I wouldn't really know, you know? Like, that's just gay.

[Martin Phillips]

Speak for yourself. Amazing stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Chris, do you ever go on dates?

[Martin Phillips]

What's that like?

[Chris Celio]

Yeah, I don't know. I don't go on a lot of dates. I gotta take girls, like, different restaurants, different dates, you know?

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Chris Celio]

I don't think it's fair that I go to a restaurant unless we're both blindfolded, you know, I don't think it's cool that you just get to watch me eat steak with my hands, you know? Yeah, God's chopsticks.

[Mushroom Matt]

All right.

[Chris Celio]

But I, like, I'll take a girl to, like, an escape room.

[Martin Phillips]

Oh,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

hell yeah.

[Chris Celio]

And just see how she handles adversity, you know? Let's get some problem solving skills going here. Dude, I love it.

[Martin Phillips]

I love it. Chris, other than jerking off in stand

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

up comedy, though, I mean, you must

[Martin Phillips]

have, like some hobby or something, right?

[Chris Celio]

I can play some video games while blind.

[Martin Phillips]

No way.

[Chris Celio]

Yeah, yeah, there's like, games that. And that blows people's Mind. They immediately think, all right, he's faking. And I'm like, no. I play video games very badly. I'll just run into a wall for like an hour and just be like, I'm gonna get it, you know? God damn it, I'm gonna beat this level.

[Dusty Slay]

You're really just pushing buttons, right?

[Chris Celio]

Yeah, my brother has the controller unplugged. Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Are you close with your brother?

[Chris Celio]

Yeah, yeah, he moved out here with us too.

[Martin Phillips]

Nice. And he's. And he can see.

[Chris Celio]

Yeah, that would suck. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Seemed like it was a genetic thing though, right?

[Martin Phillips]

What, you had or.

[Chris Celio]

I was just born, like, with fucked up eyes. Like, it was just. I just rolled bad, you know, like, huh.

[Dusty Slay]

Well, you're pretty annoyed right away. Just rolled them right back.

[Captain Phillips]

Yeah, I was born with a lot fucked up there.

[Tripp Callahan]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

I feel.

[Tripp Callahan]

Yeah, I had.

[Chris Celio]

I had like, like weird things, like, over my eyes. I didn't even know if I had eyes in every other country. Me and Martin were river babies, you

[Captain Phillips]

know, like, we're thinking stone.

[Chris Celio]

They're like, oh, this is a do over baby. Okay.

[Captain Phillips]

Or dead.

[Chris Celio]

But we live in America, so we're here right now, Martin.

[Dr. Timmy T]

All right.

[Jim Tally]

Boom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. The American dream. Well, Chris, it was a great set.

[Martin Phillips]

Great, amazing stuff. Well written. You really crossed your eyes and dotted your T's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was amazing. Red Band, I'd love to have you

[Red Band]

back on the Secret show Thursday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Man, look at that. Another real gig for Chris Celio. And there he goes, ladies and gentlemen. We were just kidding, kidding. There's your handler. Look at him somehow seeming more blind than the blind guy. Just a super confused handler. Can we get a handler for his handler? And someone to guide his handler. All right, folks, this is it. The bread and butter of the show. To the bucket we go where anything can happen. Where we've met every single comedian who's ever been on this show. And it goes like this. Ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds uninterrupted for Pete Garza, everybody. We're gonna meet Pete Garza.

[Pete Garza]

I tried a glory hole for the first time. I don't get why you wouldn't just shit in the toilet.

[Chris Celio]

That other guy was fucking pissed.

[Pete Garza]

Got on his shoes. I gotta stop going to strip clubs. I got an argument with the stripper last time I went. She wanted me to pay her $100 because I came in my pants. I was like, bitch, I came in with that. It's not even my cum. You don't know, you dumb fucking slut. I did still pay her the money, though, because I wanted to have sex with her. But, hey, you guys know me. I always fuck with two condoms. Not even scared of pregnancy or STDs. I just hate the way that pussy feels. My name is Pete Garza. Thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Pete Garza. I liked it. You're a wild boy. How old are you, Pete?

[Pete Garza]

I know this. I'm 24 next month.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay. All right. So you're 23?

[Pete Garza]

Yes, I believe so.

[Hank Garza]

Perfect.

[Martin Phillips]

How long you been doing stand up?

[Pete Garza]

Oh, I know this one, too.

[Martin Phillips]

You don't have to say that before. Every year.

[Chris Celio]

I'm sorry.

[Pete Garza]

About a year and a half, right?

[Dusty Slay]

Yeah.

[Pete Garza]

Because around the time Floopy the Rat died.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay, Pete.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. All right.

[Captain Phillips]

Who the fuck is Fluky the Rat?

[Pete Garza]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh.

[Pete Garza]

Oh, he was. He was a rat. He's dead now.

[Captain Phillips]

Was he her pet or.

[Pete Garza]

Yeah, you could call him that. Yeah, he was. Yeah, he lived in a cage in my apartment and stuff.

[Captain Phillips]

Your energy makes me uncomfortable.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really hitting the nail on the head with that one. I mean, just acknowledging what we're all feeling right now. It is an odd energy. What do you do for a living

[Martin Phillips]

with energy like that?

[Pete Garza]

I've been working. I was a caterer for weddings, but I just got another job at Pluckers and also a valet. I gotta decide.

[Martin Phillips]

You have to decide whether you want to work at Pluckers or ballet. Big decisions.

[Pete Garza]

I know. I also gotta find a place to live, but, you know.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow. Where do you live now?

[Pete Garza]

I'm crashing at a couple friends houses.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay. How much. How much stuff are you lugging around to each place?

[Pete Garza]

Oh, well, I got most of my things in Laredo right now, so I just have a couple bags with me,

[Dusty Slay]

but I take both jobs.

[Martin Phillips]

You were a valet at a Pluckers

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

or they were separate?

[Pete Garza]

No, no. I'm gonna be a certain.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You say you did both jobs?

[Carlos Lopez]

Oh, you.

[Dusty Slay]

Oh, I'm saying you should take both.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I mean that you did both jobs.

[Dusty Slay]

Oh, I have. Well, I have. But,

[Martin Phillips]

yeah, I think you should take both jobs. I think you should really, really start working. You don't have a place to live.

[Pete Garza]

I know. It's very scary.

[Martin Phillips]

Where are you from?

[Pete Garza]

I'm from Laredo, originally, down south.

[Martin Phillips]

How long have you lived in Austin?

[Pete Garza]

Five years.

[Martin Phillips]

Five years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you ever had your own place?

[Pete Garza]

Yeah, yeah. I moved here with my ex girlfriend to go to ut. That. That did not work out.

[Martin Phillips]

Really?

[Pete Garza]

Yeah. No, I dropped. It was during COVID so I dropped out after a year. I had a full ride.

[Martin Phillips]

How did you have a full ride?

[Pete Garza]

I Was. Believe it or not, I was very smart back then. I got like a. Yeah, no, I had like a 15.

[Dusty Slay]

I think we're all going with not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Yeah.

[Hal Soddy]

Yeah.

[Dusty Slay]

I don't think the strip club is the right move for you.

[Pete Garza]

I agree.

[Dusty Slay]

Having some financial issues, it sounds like.

[Pete Garza]

Yeah.

[Chris Celio]

Yeah.

[Pete Garza]

I used to be doing pretty good. I was a valet at, like, a really nice resort, but I got fired from that.

[Martin Phillips]

Why'd you get fired?

[Pete Garza]

I was late a lot.

[Martin Phillips]

Ah.

[Pete Garza]

And they gave me so many chances. It was really my fault.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow. Do you have a car?

[Elena P]

Yes.

[Martin Phillips]

What kind of car do you have?

[Pete Garza]

Mazda 6. I like the car a lot.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Martin Phillips]

What do you like about it?

[Pete Garza]

It's really pretty. It's blue. I like. It's comfortable and it's reliable. It's fun to drive.

[Martin Phillips]

That's enough. That's enough.

[Pete Garza]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

All right. Pete, what's something surprising about your life that Wayne could never guess about you?

[Pete Garza]

Oh, this happened recently. I almost had a threesome with a married couple, but then they asked me for a picture of my dick, and they told me that it was too big.

[Matt Campbell]

So they

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

prove it? No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Pete Garza]

They took my phone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. That's what I would say, too, if I was in your position.

[Red Band]

How big are you

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

asking for a measurement?

[Pete Garza]

Like, actually like 20 centimeters.

[Red Band]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Very, very good.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay. How. How big are you in real life?

[Pete Garza]

I think that's like 8 inches.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Martin Phillips]

Look at that. Someone would get a full ride if they hooked up with you.

[Red Band]

You have good girth. Or is it like a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Jesus Christ. We get your little silly thing in there, and then you just have to

[Martin Phillips]

push it to the limit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is the girth like on it? All right.

[Pete Garza]

I. I don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We don't really care. Yeah, it's the thing we do where he goes over the line, and then I pretend like I'm mad at him,

[Martin Phillips]

but then I follow it up with the thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is a whole highlight reel of these.

[Dusty Slay]

Did you have both condoms on in the pick?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a good question. How big are you before you start wrapping multiple condoms? Around a three and a half.

[Pete Garza]

Yeah, I don't know, man. I just. I like the tightness of it all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uhhuh. All right, well,

[Captain Phillips]

you're a weird guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He really is. He really is. But a decent set.

[Martin Phillips]

Pete, as wacky as you are and

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

as odd as you are in the

[Martin Phillips]

interview portion, I liked your. I liked your set tonight. Here's a big joke book.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. There he goes. There he Goes everybody there. Pete Garza. Oh, I know what that sound means. It's the lovely Heidi, everybody. Just got a new website, heidy regina.com. how exciting. All right, your next bucket poll. Everybody goes by the name of Jim Tally. Here we go. Jim Tally.

[Jim Tally]

Yeah, How y' all doing tonight? Fuck yeah. I want to talk about Elon Musk tonight, man. Yeah, I don't like the guy, you know, I don't like how he's trying to take humans to Mars. You know, I'm black, I'm not going, right? Listen, maybe it's just my black anxiety speaking, and I just. I don't want to run the risk of getting in no space slave rocket to be taking unknown lands, you know? You know what I'm saying? What, you gonna stick us in the back of the rocket next to the thrusters and shit? Smelling the gas leak and shit? Fuck that, all right? That's not NASA, that's Massa. All right, I'm gonna need to see a return ticket or something is what I'm trying to say, but. Nah, I will give him some credit though. I don't think. I think he got a lot of flack for that Nazi salute they said he did. I don't think it was a Nazi salute. Cause I watched a lot of the historical footage and the Nazi salute, it's a lot more zesty than that. I'm serious. You know, Hitler was on some gay. You know, serious. How many straight men you ever seen do this?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Z, Kyle, Right?

[Tripp Callahan]

Like,

[Jim Tally]

my name is Jim Tully, guys. Good night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jim Talley. Great set. Yes, sir. Fresh off of almost beating a pro wrestler. Death this weekend. No better place to come hide out from the police here.

[Jim Tally]

Yes, sir.

[Martin Phillips]

You are profusely sweating.

[Jim Tally]

Yo. I was walking here and apparently they called me and I was still outside the building, so I jetted here. I'm black, so I got here fast as well.

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, my goodness gracious. It is incredible. You are soaking wet. You look like you were just in a water park. Did you ever go to water parks?

[Jim Tally]

What do you think, Tony?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I bet you don't.

[Jim Tally]

I don't swim. I don't like to swim. I don't like deep water at all.

[Martin Phillips]

Martin Phillips.

[Captain Phillips]

The captain's here.

[Jim Tally]

Look at me. I am the captain now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Martin Phillips]

Jim, you've been on this show before, correct?

[Jim Tally]

Oh, yeah, about four, two, three months ago.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay, remind us, what do you do for work?

[Jim Tally]

I'm a merchandiser for a international beverage company.

[Martin Phillips]

Whoa.

[Jim Tally]

Yeah, I practice that backstage.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay, sounds great.

[Dusty Slay]

I am afraid of how sweaty you are. It scared me and I didn't want to say anything, but I don't want to go to Mars either. I'm with you.

[Jim Tally]

You Dusty Slay?

[Dusty Slay]

Yeah.

[Jim Tally]

Oh, hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Dusty Slay]

I see you in this whole place. That's what I'm talking about.

[Martin Phillips]

Little respect there.

[Jim Tally]

Yeah, I've seen him up in North Dakota.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, Dusty's the man.

[Dusty Slay]

I think he wins.

[Martin Phillips]

Dusty, meet Ashy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just kidding, just kidding. It's the opposite of ashy. He's a self moisturizing machine. It's absolutely incredible. Amazing.

[Martin Phillips]

So, Jim, what do you do for fun?

[Jim Tally]

I do this shit. I work out a lot. Practice voices from time to time.

[Martin Phillips]

What type of workouts do you do? Are you out there lifting heavy white women?

[Jim Tally]

Yeah, I do look like I white hoes, but nah, she's light skinned. But yeah, but anyways. But no, I. I like powerlifting and shit, you know, I like to. I want to be able to be in movies one day, so I want to be able to be in shape for that shit.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow, okay. What else have you been doing to prepare for this possible movie career?

[Jim Tally]

Oh, practicing monologues and you know, again, voices and accents and all of that, which I'm kind of good at.

[Dusty Slay]

Yeah, I'd like to hear a voice.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, me too. Yeah, let's hear some of these voices or accents.

[Jim Tally]

All right. Hello. Hello, guys. My name is Jim.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right?

[Jim Tally]

As you can tell, I'm not from here.

[Martin Phillips]

That's pretty good.

[Dusty Slay]

I'm into.

[Jim Tally]

I've got a few jokes for you tonight and I'm going to do them. You're going to laugh and then I'm

[Hank Garza]

going to go, wow.

[Martin Phillips]

You know what? I was going to arrest you, but I'm going to give you a warning instead.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. What else do we got? What else do we got up our sleeves over there?

[Captain Phillips]

Who maybe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, don't do, don't do. Martin, don't do.

[Martin Phillips]

M.

[Jim Tally]

What else you got to do? I could do an African accent. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. Oh yeah.

[Jim Tally]

I actually was practicing this earlier. I was thinking, what if I like. What if I was to narrate a documentary about your life?

[Martin Phillips]

Me?

[Captain Phillips]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay. You know, in an African accent.

[Jim Tally]

Absolutely.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay, let's hear it.

[Jim Tally]

All right, here we go. Here. Is Tony a gay man?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what? I changed my mind. You're under arrest. You son of a. How dare you?

[Jim Tally]

Oh, yeah, no, I just said like that.

[Martin Phillips]

That's so fun. Yeah, I love that. What else about your life? Tell us more. Jim, you have a girlfriend.

[Jim Tally]

You said yes Yes, I do.

[Martin Phillips]

What does she do?

[Jim Tally]

Oh, she's a personal trainer, actually.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow. So she's in good shape.

[Jim Tally]

Exactly.

[Martin Phillips]

Amazing. How long you been with her?

[Jim Tally]

Five years now.

[Martin Phillips]

Did you meet her at the gym?

[Jim Tally]

No, I didn't actually. We met on Hinge, the dating app designed to be deleted. Thanks.

[Martin Phillips]

Hell yeah. Amazing.

[Jim Tally]

It worked for me.

[Martin Phillips]

Where'd you go on your first date?

[Jim Tally]

She came to my house actually for our first date. And we went like walking around the park and shit.

[Mushroom Matt]

And

[Jim Tally]

that's about it. It was very boring actually, our first time meeting each other.

[Martin Phillips]

Did you hook up after on that trip?

[Jim Tally]

No, she wasn't trying to do it. She's a good girl, Toni.

[Martin Phillips]

Right. Well, you were probably also drenched in sweat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were probably wetter than she was on that first time.

[Jim Tally]

Probably. She was like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, like now.

[Martin Phillips]

Is she just a light skinned black woman or is she mixed 5050?

[Jim Tally]

No, she's like. Well, she's. She's everything. She's. She's Trinidadian.

[Hank Garza]

Belize.

[Martin Phillips]

You know what? She's under arrest too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't like the answers I'm getting here.

[Jim Tally]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow. Jim, you ever have a near death experience?

[Jim Tally]

Yeah.

[Doug Polk]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on.

[Martin Phillips]

Near death?

[Jim Tally]

Yeah, I mean, kind of almost died, but I had to get. I had an abscess that got infected and it was closing up my tubes. It was kind of.

[Martin Phillips]

Let me ask you a different question.

[Jim Tally]

Yeah, I didn't. I didn't like that one.

[Martin Phillips]

What scares you? What are you afraid of? What? Genuine knives. Tell me more about knives.

[Jim Tally]

I'm scared of knives because I got circumcised in Africa when I was 16.

[Captain Phillips]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In African?

[Martin Phillips]

Circumcision.

[Dusty Slay]

That sounds like the near death experience.

[Jim Tally]

I was hesitating about saying it, but yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

My goodness. They use a knife, a regular knife on 16 year old Africans? Wouldn't they need like a samurai sword or something like that?

[Red Band]

Butter knife.

[Jim Tally]

A machete?

[Mushroom Matt]

Yeah.

[Jim Tally]

No, more like a machete. My dad actually got his cut with his machete.

[Martin Phillips]

Really?

[Jim Tally]

Because like I did my same time. 1, 2, 3. No, teach. But not.

[Martin Phillips]

Anyway, what do you remember about that? That had to be totally traumatizing, a 16 year old going in for a circumcision.

[Jim Tally]

Yeah, it was December 25, 2009. On Christmas.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow.

[Jim Tally]

Exactly. No, I got eight shots of anesthesia.

[Martin Phillips]

You got what?

[Jim Tally]

I got eight shots of anesthesia to my dick.

[Martin Phillips]

Eight shots of anesthesia.

[Jim Tally]

They went around four times. They checked and I could still feel it. And then they went around another four. Listen, I ain't gonna lie. Like, I couldn't scream because my dad told me not to be a. But my dick let out like a. Like my dick was done, you know?

[Dusty Slay]

Is this when you started doing voices?

[Jim Tally]

Yeah, my dick was the first one. Was the first. Thank you.

[Dusty Slay]

Amazing.

[Jim Tally]

But my dick grew. It got bigger after that.

[Martin Phillips]

It did.

[Jim Tally]

It was swelling.

[Martin Phillips]

Ah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Swelling into scarring.

[Jim Tally]

So now I got ripped for her pleasure. And so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Jim Tally]

Naturally.

[Martin Phillips]

Absolutely.

[Jim Tally]

I take that back. Don't show down tv.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay. Amazing.

[Jim Tally]

I want to show this to my mom when she's watching this. Sorry, Mom.

[Martin Phillips]

That's right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where's your mom watching from?

[Jim Tally]

Where's she at right now? She's in South Florida.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay. And she took you for the 16 year old circumcision?

[Jim Tally]

No, I did that myself.

[Martin Phillips]

You just went on your own?

[Jim Tally]

I asked the doctor. I just made sure that my sister could take me to the actual hospital. But no, I did that myself. It was cheap. It was like 39.99 plus.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Heck.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow, look at that. Eight shots of anesthesia and your sister took you?

[Jim Tally]

Yes, sir.

[Martin Phillips]

Her name's also Anesthesia.

[Jim Tally]

Close. It's Nyasa. So, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Dusty Slay]

Wow.

[Martin Phillips]

Incredible. Well, Jim Telly, fun times, fun set. I think. I think you did it. Did you get a big joke book last time?

[Jim Tally]

I did.

[Martin Phillips]

Well then, there you go. Keep working on it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come back again. Jim Telly.

[Martin Phillips]

Look at this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're having a good time with. Which is also the name of Dusty Slice podcast. And it's also what's happening right now. All right, your next bucket pool looks like a new one. Make some noise for Hal Sodi, everybody. Hal Soddy.

[Hal Soddy]

Thank you. I got circumcised in Costa Rica. I used to sound like a girl when I was growing up. Then my balls dropped. Now I sound like a woman. It's actually one of the reasons people would call me gay. So I stopped talking. Yeah, they can't call you a sissy if you don't say anything. Oh, yes, they can. So I stopped talking, I stopped smiling, I stopped fucking dudes. What else does a guy need to do, you know?

[Martin Phillips]

All right.

[Hal Soddy]

I guess that's all I wanted to do. Meow.

[Martin Phillips]

Huh? So another 15 seconds if you got anything else.

[Hal Soddy]

Let's see. I'm not a political guy, but actually my liberal friends, they annoy me a lot. And my conservative friends, they annoy me just as much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But what I think is cool about

[Hal Soddy]

that is that you all thought I had friends.

[Dusty Slay]

So thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There it is. Hal Soddy. Hell yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Hal, welcome to the show. Is this your first time on yes, sir. How long you been on stand up?

[Hal Soddy]

About six years. Over a span of 12. 12 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Hal Soddy]

I quit a couple times.

[Martin Phillips]

Right. Yeah, right. What made you quit?

[Pete Garza]

I got.

[Hal Soddy]

I got tired of, like, repeating my jokes and I started doing improv and I thought that was fun.

[Martin Phillips]

It was. Then what happened?

[Hal Soddy]

Then I like stand up more.

[Martin Phillips]

Right. And here you are. You live in Austin now?

[Hal Soddy]

Yes, sir.

[Martin Phillips]

For how long?

[Hal Soddy]

About three years.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay. You moved here for stand up?

[Hal Soddy]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay. How's it going?

[Hal Soddy]

It's been pretty good.

[Martin Phillips]

What do you do for work?

[Hal Soddy]

I'm a web developer.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay.

[Hal Soddy]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

How long you been doing that?

[Hal Soddy]

About 13 years.

[Martin Phillips]

And you're fully employed?

[Hal Soddy]

I'm self employed, yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay. Yeah. All right. Perfect. Al Saudi. What's the name? Hal. Saudi. What is that?

[Hal Soddy]

So it's my. My name is actually Halil, but I shortened it and it's Arabic.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay.

[Pete Garza]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

What kind of Arabic?

[Hal Soddy]

My family's Lebanese.

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, okay.

[Jim Tally]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Very cool. I love it.

[Dusty Slay]

Do you always open your set with that circumcision joke or was that.

[Hal Soddy]

No, that was just riffing on the guy.

[Dusty Slay]

That was a weird coincidence.

[Captain Phillips]

Did you do it in Costa Rica or.

[Hal Soddy]

Yeah, I grew up in Costa Rica.

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, okay. So you really did? Yeah. Interesting. Was there anything odd about your circumcision?

[Hal Soddy]

I was a baby, so they do

[Martin Phillips]

it differently in Costa Rica.

[Hal Soddy]

They probably ate it. I don't know.

[Martin Phillips]

All right.

[William Montgomery]

Sick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Red Band]

How's your girth?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Red band. Red band. Come on, red band.

[Hal Soddy]

It's pretty thin.

[Martin Phillips]

Interesting. So tell us something interesting about your life, Hal.

[Hal Soddy]

I hear the sounds of flies in my head.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay. All right. Explain that a little bit better for us.

[Hal Soddy]

In Costa Rica, there's a lot of bugs, so I always hated that. So when I moved here, I always make. There's one rule in my house, it's always to close the door. Because that's how they get in.

[Martin Phillips]

Right? Okay. That is how they get in.

[Dusty Slay]

You hear these flies all the time?

[Hal Soddy]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

You hear them right now?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Really? Yeah.

[Hal Soddy]

Well, because of the noise.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah. But seriously, you know, like, I.

[Hal Soddy]

Sometimes I get PTSD from it because if there was a time, like, multiple flies got into my house and I just kept getting, like, looking all over the place, hearing flies. Yeah.

[Mushroom Matt]

Wow.

[Dusty Slay]

So you hear them when they're there?

[Red Band]

It's actually a positive thing?

[Hal Soddy]

Yeah, sometimes. Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

I think we all suffer from that.

[Captain Phillips]

Do you need medication or something or.

[Hal Soddy]

What was that?

[Captain Phillips]

You need medication or something?

[Hal Soddy]

I think so, yeah. Yeah.

[Dusty Slay]

Dang.

[Martin Phillips]

You married? You have a girlfriend?

[Dusty Slay]

I'm married, yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Married you have kids?

[Hal Soddy]

No kids. Just two dogs.

[Martin Phillips]

Two dogs. Okay. You love your dogs.

[Hal Soddy]

I love my dogs.

[Martin Phillips]

What kind of dogs do you have?

[Hal Soddy]

They're mutts. They're ones like a. They're both Pitbull mixes.

[Martin Phillips]

All right.

[Hank Garza]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

That's a ticking time bomb. There must be more to you, Hal. What else? You have any big passions? You collect like locomotives or something?

[Hal Soddy]

I do like trains, yeah. I trying to think,

[Martin Phillips]

you know what

[Hal Soddy]

I had like stuff that I would prepare and then when I got here, they all. It just went away.

[Martin Phillips]

They just flew out of your head? The flies? Yeah, with the flies.

[Hal Soddy]

Yes, the fly.

[Jim Tally]

I.

[Red Band]

Do you like fire trucks more than trains.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay.

[Hal Soddy]

Do I look autistic? That's why.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A little bit.

[Martin Phillips]

There's a touch. A little touch. Okay.

[William Montgomery]

Red band.

[Captain Phillips]

All right.

[Martin Phillips]

All right, Hal. Well, here's a medium sized joke book. There he goes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hal Soddy. All right. All right.

[Martin Phillips]

We're having fun. You guys having fun out there?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here's another bucket pool for us. Ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Trip Callahan, everyone. Tripp Callahan.

[Tripp Callahan]

Oh my God, guys, I saw Target. They got in trouble for selling tuck friendly bikinis to children. I guess like if it came with a little pouch where you can tuck the dick. And at first I thought. Yeah, at first I thought it was weird. But then I realized it was probably even more weird to be against it because basically what you're saying, if your son's wearing a bikini, then I want to see the cock, you know? Yeah, dude, your kid can't be trans unless is fucking swinging. I got weird opinions on everything. I still think race matters a lot. Like, for example, a white lab, that's a great dog. A black lab's also a great dog. But a Chinese lab, that will shut down the world economy. I am against racism though. There's nothing I love more than when a racist gets poetic justice. Like whenever I see a racist white chick, I always secretly hope she gets fat.

[Jim Tally]

Yeah.

[Tripp Callahan]

Because then she has to black dudes.

[Chris Celio]

So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tripp Callahan, great set.

[Martin Phillips]

Welcome, Tripp.

[Tripp Callahan]

Thank you.

[Martin Phillips]

How long you been doing stand up?

[Tripp Callahan]

I did it like once a year in college for like four years.

[Martin Phillips]

Four years? Where at?

[Tripp Callahan]

Pittsburgh and then here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Awesome.

[Martin Phillips]

How long have you been here?

[Tripp Callahan]

Like year and a half or so.

[Martin Phillips]

Awesome. What do you do for work, Heb, bro? Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In the Good Lords we trust the one true God who watches over us, Lord Heb. We were literally talking about it before

[Martin Phillips]

the show in the green room. If you're wondering what we're talking about, we're talking about little H e b tricks that people don't even know. Redband, would you like to tell the crowd what you informed us here just this evening not even an hour ago?

[Red Band]

You know, if you buy crabs or snow crab legs, you just take them to them and they will boil it for you with a different kind of seasoning for free while you're shopping.

[Martin Phillips]

So if you get crabs or lobsters,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you go, you know what? Now cook it for me while I go shopping.

[Martin Phillips]

I'm going to come back and pick up the crab legs the way I want them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But I mean, I wouldn't recommend talking to the people like this. But it's more like in your head, you know what I mean?

[Martin Phillips]

Like please and thank you in real

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

life, but in your head, you know, they're just cooking up for you. It's unbelievable.

[Martin Phillips]

Is this a true fact? Do you work at HEB Yeah, dude,

[Tripp Callahan]

I work in like, produce. I got like Happy Gilmore's job, basically.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow. Incredible. So tell us more about your life at H e B. We love H E B. It's a dream sponsor. It's. I'm sure it's right around the corner.

[Tripp Callahan]

Well, it's not that bad actually. I like, I'm stocking shelves, I'm moving around pallets and sometimes they put me in the back with like the Mexicans and I chop up fruit and stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh, okay. Yeah, sounds racist, but it all checks out.

[Tripp Callahan]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like the only white person on my team. So it rules.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, of course. Let me ask you something. There was a very controversial case. A young man, a young autistic boy, recently was working at a grocery store and they caught him eating a little bit of the, what they call, what would they call that? Go backs or like the fruit cups or something. It was like, it was like outdated.

[Tripp Callahan]

Oh, yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Kind of stuff. I once worked at a grocery store when I was 16 years old. Giant eagle in young big bear, Kroger guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa.

[Martin Phillips]

We remember both of these places very clearly. Two Ohio based, extremely prolific grocery stores. Nowhere near to the good lords at H e. But how do you bend the rules? You ever take an old magazine you. Because there's a lot of things that go on at grocery stores that you people don't even think about, you non

[Tripp Callahan]

g s. Well, we can take like, I do like, we can take like the fruit. We just have to say we're sampling it so we're like, can give the customer a better experience. So you're kind of allowed to at H e B, which rules A lot better than whatever the fuck that. Do you remember what that one was?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I don't.

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, it was. I do.

[Red Band]

I do almost remember Ralph's.

[Martin Phillips]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Tripp Callahan]

It doesn't really matter, but.

[Martin Phillips]

No, no, it was. What was it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was fires.

[Carlos Lopez]

Yes.

[Martin Phillips]

I got caught shoplifting. Very controversial. You got caught shoplifting? Yeah.

[Red Band]

Embarrassing thing I ever. It was. No, it was.

[Matt Campbell]

What's.

[Red Band]

What's a Ghostbusters 2 soundtrack and

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

one

[Pete Garza]

of the Paula Abdul albums, I guess.

[Red Band]

There was two different ones.

[Tripp Callahan]

It was the red one, I think.

[Martin Phillips]

Look at that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I thought I was the gay one on the show.

[Martin Phillips]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do I have to gain weight to balance this?

[Martin Phillips]

We're supposed to play our characters. Unbelievable. Wow. So tell us more about Heb. Tell us the. The what? We clean, right?

[Tripp Callahan]

Yeah, it's pretty clean.

[Pete Garza]

Yeah.

[Tripp Callahan]

I mean, I don't know.

[Carlos Lopez]

It's.

[Tripp Callahan]

It's kind of just a, like, manual labor job. It's not that hard, but.

[Martin Phillips]

No, we know. We know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, dude.

[Tripp Callahan]

Yeah.

[Hank Garza]

But.

[Tripp Callahan]

But I mean, I. I like it. It's bad. I worked in sales before. I hated that dude. So I actually don't mind it.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow.

[Tripp Callahan]

It's not that funny. Sorry, guys.

[Martin Phillips]

Dusty.

[Dusty Slay]

What? Well, I would just want, like, you, like, you dress like Adam Sandler and you have the job of Happy Gilmore. Are there other Adam Sandler things you do in your life?

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah. Is it true that you're still in fourth grade

[Tripp Callahan]

reading level? But yeah.

[Carlos Lopez]

Dude.

[Tripp Callahan]

Dude, I play golf. I think that's Adam Sandler.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, that counts. Yeah.

[Tripp Callahan]

I'm not good, though.

[Martin Phillips]

Dude, I love it. Okay, Tripp, what else? What else about you? Tell us something crazy about your life that makes you different than everybody else.

[Tripp Callahan]

Well, I knew. When I was growing up, I knew a guy who tried to become a serial killer.

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, tell us more.

[Tripp Callahan]

He only got the two. He, like, failed. He got caught.

[Dusty Slay]

But, yeah, two's not bad, though. That's real.

[Tripp Callahan]

Well, he was like. He was like. He went to the other high school in my area. He was like, this fat Jewish rapper, and he would show up at parties in, like, freestyle or whatever. He wasn't good, but, like. But then, like, when we went off to college, he started doing heroin. And he, like, took more than the recommended dose or whatever. So, yeah, he OD'd. They bring him back and. And, like, his brain was all fucked up. Also turned him into, like, a gay homosexual.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah.

[Tripp Callahan]

And he was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what happened to me.

[Tripp Callahan]

Yeah. And he wasn't happy about it, man. Cuz, like, imagine you're Doing heroin, which is like awesome. And then next time you wake up, like, you can't come without getting fucked in the ass.

[Mushroom Matt]

So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa.

[Tripp Callahan]

Yeah, so then, so then he was like really mad. He started killing gay guys.

[Martin Phillips]

That's who he was killing?

[Tripp Callahan]

Yeah. Other gay guys.

[Dusty Slay]

Yeah, but gay guys he went on dates with.

[Tripp Callahan]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dusty Slay]

Well, the one not really. Like, this is like revenge a little bit.

[Tripp Callahan]

Well, the one guy he met on a dating app. This how he got caught. He ubered to the guy's house, walked in, shot him, walked back out, Ubered home. So I. I think it left like a paper trail or something.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow, Bad date?

[Tripp Callahan]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Amazing. I can't believe the Jewish serial killer used Uber and not Lyft.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good point.

[Martin Phillips]

Dollars more.

[Tripp Callahan]

Yeah, he. I didn't tip the guy much. I don't.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, incredible. Trip is your real name?

[Tripp Callahan]

No, my real name is Joseph, but I've been called Trip since I was a baby.

[Martin Phillips]

Why did they call you Trip?

[Tripp Callahan]

Cuz I'm like the third. So like triple. It's like if a black dude's name like Trey, it's sometimes the same thing.

[Martin Phillips]

Oh yeah, totally the same thing.

[Tripp Callahan]

I don't know.

[Martin Phillips]

Martin Trips all the time. Everybody calls him Martin.

[Captain Phillips]

I should be Tripp.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Captain Phillips]

I should be tripped.

[Martin Phillips]

I love it. Tripp.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, you had a great set. It was a very fun, very fun interview. Great stuff, man.

[Martin Phillips]

Here's a big joke book. Come back, sign up again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Trip Callahan. All right, let's do something special here, everyone. You may have been paying attention to this storyline, but a couple months ago I lost a real big Texas hold' em heads up poker match and I have to finish paying off my debt. This is my final debt is this spot. I'm gonna bring to this stage a very funny man. He's just starting out in stand up comedy, but he is literally the number one ranked heads up Texas hold'em poker player in the world. He lives here in Austin, Texas. Make some noise. For his second ever minute on Kill. Tony, this is Doug Polk, everybody. Doug Poke.

[Doug Polk]

I'm a professional poker player, but this show changed my life. Since my first appearance, my DMs have been flooded with dick pics. Tony, can you please stop? I have a wife and kids and besides, I only asked for one. I was at the store the other day and was denied beer because apparently you can't buy alcohol before 10am in Texas. It's a dumb law.

[Hal Soddy]

Right?

[Doug Polk]

But the crazy part, these were non alcoholic beers. When you're buying non alcoholic beer at 9 in the morning. You know you're a pretty serious non alcoholic. You know, when I knew I had a late night out drinking. When I woke up the next morning, could remember everything. It's getting pretty bad. I think it might be time to join Non Alcoholics Anonymous. Can you imagine that? Hi everybody, I'm Doug. I don't have any problems. It's a 0.0 step program. It's just so nice not to take any daily steps. Am I right? Redban.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Big clothes on the red band. The slow head shake from red band always makes me laugh. Doug, Fun times.

[Martin Phillips]

Sorry about the dick pics. That was a fun set. Yeah, I heard.

[Doug Polk]

So I came in with the dick pics jokes and then the first guy talked about dick pics and the second guy talked about dick pics. I'm like, God damn, it's going to be a tough day.

[Martin Phillips]

Every once in a while a premise just goes through on and on. Usually it's jerking off and this and that, but it's a special dick pic episode of Kill Tony. I think Glory holes have also gotten two mentions here tonight. But anything can happen. You never know what's gonna happen. But the non alcoholics thing. Interesting, right? Kind of like a normal regular attempt at a premise. Like it's, it's tricky. Is this true that you're addicted to non alcoholic beer?

[Doug Polk]

Well, so I was at the store and we were at like Whole Foods and we were checking out and I go through like, I'll be drinking or not drinking. And I was like, I'll just grab some non alcoholic beers. And it was 9:48am at Whole Foods and they're just like, oh, sorry, we

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

can't sell you these Whole Foods. Boo. Sorry.

[Pete Garza]

H e B. H e B.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is an H e B exclusive audience. Even the people visiting have bent the

[Martin Phillips]

knee to the dark lords of HB Nashville. A killer grocery store.

[Dusty Slay]

Ash Nashville. I don't think. Well, you know we have Publix. Publix is good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, some real pop for Publix here. Publix is what's up.

[Dusty Slay]

Where Shopping's a pleasure. They said,

[Martin Phillips]

martin, where do you do your shopping?

[Captain Phillips]

Walmart.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Dr. Timmy T]

Atv.

[Captain Phillips]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Atv.

[Captain Phillips]

I am still Caliport.

[Dusty Slay]

I wanted to say it feels like buying non alcoholic beer at 9 in the morning is a worse problem than buying regular beer. Because they're just like, why?

[Doug Polk]

Yeah, they're both problems, but they're different.

[Dusty Slay]

Yeah, but one seems worse to me. Yeah, you're like, I want to get started but you know, I got stuff to do.

[Martin Phillips]

Do you ever feel a buzz off of non alcoholic beers? No.

[Doug Polk]

No, I don't think so. I'm not actually the expert. I guess I should have maybe clarified that.

[Martin Phillips]

It's okay. An interesting fun fact about Doug is that he's so good at poker that he's kind of awkward at anything else.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know if you guys have ever seen, like, Magnus Carlsen talk or anything or really anybody. None of them really make many public

[Martin Phillips]

appearances when you're a freak savant. Fun fact about Doug Poke is you have about 10 or 15 minutes to beat him in poker. And at that point, he's already figured out where you look, where you blink, what you sound like, what you do, and every single thing that changes. So I know you think that you'd have a chance against him, but you really don't. But you do in the first 10 or 15 minutes and then after that.

[Doug Polk]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Well, the.

[Doug Polk]

The beautiful thing about poker is that there's a lot of luck, right? Because like, if you play Magnus Carlson chess, he's just going to crush you. But in poker, anyone can win, which is good, but the pros obviously win

[Martin Phillips]

in the long run. Yeah, it's freaky.

[Doug Polk]

Yeah.

[Dusty Slay]

Would you say that you have to know when to hold them and know

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

when to fold them?

[Doug Polk]

Yeah, there's a lot of truth to that song for sure.

[Martin Phillips]

And tell us how, like, how are you doing? How's poker been going? Update these people of what your life is like.

[Doug Polk]

Yes. I'm looking at my worst year ever this year.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah.

[Jim Tally]

Yeah.

[Doug Polk]

I'm down like 700k.

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, okay. Only $700,000, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We'll get them there.

[Martin Phillips]

We'll get them there.

[Doug Polk]

I know which one's worse. 700k.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, no doubt about it. So what is your plan to win back this money?

[Doug Polk]

Well, I'm gonna, I guess, play more poker.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Doug Polk]

That's kind of all you got, you

[Martin Phillips]

know, is there a reason why you're having a bad year? Is it just bad luck? Is it post flop chaos? Are you in with the right odds,

[Red Band]

getting your steps in?

[Martin Phillips]

Are you misreading?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, look who's getting his revenge now that he knows you're down 700k.

[Doug Polk]

I think a little bit of is. I've been kind of focusing more on comedy and stuff like that and, you know, hanging out with some of the guys here or whatever.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, we're a bad influence.

[Doug Polk]

Yeah, well, obviously I'm the one that's doing badly, but I've been hanging out with like, Uncle Laser and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no. Oh, God, you're getting non alcoholic beer and then hanging out with Uncle Laser. That's even worse. Even D Madness is like, I'm out of here, dude. This is some.

[Doug Polk]

He actually he had me come open for him the other day.

[Martin Phillips]

Uncle Laser?

[Jim Tally]

Yeah, yeah.

[Doug Polk]

Like a show here in Austin.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Doug Polk]

I put on my nicest wife beater. That's great.

[Martin Phillips]

Hell yeah. You know what I just realized is Chris Celio on this episode, D Madness on this episode. We have a big blind and a small blind here as well. One more thing. See the worlds they cross over. One angry man just staring at me

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

right into my eyes.

[Martin Phillips]

Incredible. He did not like that joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Doug, fun times.

[Martin Phillips]

It's a fucking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a process. Stand up comedy. You came out and you nailed the joke on me.

[Martin Phillips]

You closed with the red band thing, the non alcoholic. I agree with Dusty. I think that it's worth examining. Kind of like flipping that, if that makes sense. Like flipping your take on it. Because it seems like you would be the craziest human being buying non alcoholic beer that early in the morning. Like you're trying to really chase some demon, but not at the same time.

[Dusty Slay]

And 700K, you know, sometimes you gotta know when to walk away and

[Hank Garza]

know

[Dusty Slay]

when to run, run, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But Doug, it's been fun. We had fun playing poker that night. And you're a great human being and very, very fun to watch. Make sure you check out his streams and whatnot. Very entertaining. Like a freak athlete. This guy beats the out of everybody even though he's 700k in the hole. But he's won millions and millions of millions of before. So it sounds a lot sadder than it actually is.

[Martin Phillips]

Are we still having fun out there?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Everybody, we're going back to the bucket. Everyone make some noise for Matt Campbell. Matt Campbell.

[Matt Campbell]

Hello, I'm English, or as you lot like to call me, gay. Thank you for that. I had expectations when I came to this country, guys. Everything I learn about you lot is filtered through the media you send my way. So when I was coming up, High School Musical coming out. What the fuck was that? An all white basketball team won a state championship. Fuck right off. I was also disappointed the sequel didn't involve a school shooting scene. I was completely unprepared for these high school drills. Guys, you have to understand, I didn't know a shit about basketball. Fuck me sideways. But that South African, which means I'm genetically racist, but he has a poster of Mandela. That's been my time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The cat was a little loud there.

[Martin Phillips]

What'd you say your dad is.

[Matt Campbell]

He's South African.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay. All right. Welcome, welcome. How long you been doing stand up?

[Matt Campbell]

Almost five years.

[Martin Phillips]

All of it in England?

[Matt Campbell]

No, I started in America. Colorado.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay. What made you start in Colorado?

[Matt Campbell]

Nasty breakup.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

See?

[Martin Phillips]

You fell in love with an American girl.

[Matt Campbell]

I did.

[Martin Phillips]

Moved to Colorado.

[Matt Campbell]

I know.

[Martin Phillips]

And how long were you in Colorado?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know that, you know, I'm just. I'm just keeping everybody together so the interview makes sense here.

[Matt Campbell]

Just peeling me apart, man. I'm sorry.

[Martin Phillips]

So how did you meet this American girl?

[Matt Campbell]

Oh, no, no. I moved out here well before that. My dad got a job when I was 15, and then I moved out here with him. He's not brave or anything. He's not in the military. He's just like a tech support guy.

[Martin Phillips]

We know he's English.

[Matt Campbell]

South African, if he was paying attention.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But he's a citizen of England, right?

[Matt Campbell]

No.

[Martin Phillips]

So he's just in England?

[Matt Campbell]

He's American now.

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, he lives in America. He went from South Africa to America?

[Matt Campbell]

Yes.

[Martin Phillips]

How did you end up in England?

[Matt Campbell]

My mother's vagina.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did your dad end up in your mother's vagina if that was in England?

[Matt Campbell]

He worked very, very hard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did he visit England a lot? Right. So your dad's been in England?

[Matt Campbell]

Oh, yeah. No. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But he never lived there.

[Matt Campbell]

No, we lived there for a while.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But he lived there for a while.

[Matt Campbell]

He never.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Rewind two minutes. You little smurmy British bastard. Coming in to have your moment. British comedian kills. Kill. Tony, Look at this clip. You son of a. All right, so, Matt, what do you do for work?

[Matt Campbell]

Valet. W Hotel.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, the W Hotel. You know, you're not also picking up shifts at a.

[Martin Phillips]

At a Cluckers?

[Matt Campbell]

No, but they desperately needed a diversity hire, and I was the best they could get.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Of course.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, of course. Everybody loves that wacky accent.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sierra Valet.

[Martin Phillips]

A job that absolutely will be taken over by robots in no time.

[Matt Campbell]

I'm sorted.

[Martin Phillips]

What's your big goal? What are you gonna do? You focus on stand up. You do a lot of spots? Yeah, you love it.

[Matt Campbell]

Going to Houston next month, but other than that, pretty good right now.

[Martin Phillips]

What are you doing in Houston?

[Matt Campbell]

Got a. Apparently a drug show. I don't do a lot of drugs, but I'm prepared.

[Martin Phillips]

What are they gonna make you do? Smoke the devil's letters.

[Tripp Callahan]

Yes.

[Martin Phillips]

Really? Wow.

[Matt Campbell]

My dad likes to call it the wacky backy, which is pretty fun.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow.

[Matt Campbell]

He's old. He's like, near 70.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Martin Phillips]

Those South Africans, they just fucking.

[Matt Campbell]

They age like black dudes. It's great.

[Captain Phillips]

They are from Africa.

[Matt Campbell]

Yes.

[Martin Phillips]

Have you spent any time in South Africa?

[Matt Campbell]

Yeah, couple trips.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah. Do you ever hear flies inside your head?

[Matt Campbell]

No, no, no, never, Never flies inside my head. But I remember one trip I went to visit my grandmother and the most vivid memory I have of her is just her walking up to me and squashing a chameleon in front of me when I was four.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow.

[Matt Campbell]

Yeah, just with a big rock six year old.

[Dusty Slay]

Grandma, were you playing with the chameleon?

[Matt Campbell]

No, I was just looking at it.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow.

[Matt Campbell]

Tragic.

[Dusty Slay]

But you were looking at it, enjoying it.

[Pete Garza]

Yeah.

[Matt Campbell]

I was happy in that moment.

[Captain Phillips]

And she could see it.

[Matt Campbell]

Yeah,

[Martin Phillips]

she knew.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She knew.

[Captain Phillips]

That's the camellia. That's its fault.

[Matt Campbell]

Well, Martin.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah,

[Matt Campbell]

Martin, Martin, if you, Martin, if you know anything about South Africa, it was definitely the wrong color.

[Tripp Callahan]

All right,

[Captain Phillips]

that sounds like dirty. Your grandma goes after a lot of chameleons.

[Matt Campbell]

Yes, yes.

[Martin Phillips]

Different.

[Captain Phillips]

Different colors, I guess.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Matt Campbell. Tell us something else wacky about your life, Matt.

[Matt Campbell]

I went to, to an all boys Catholic school in the uk.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hitting the old pipe, celebrating victory?

[Tripp Callahan]

No.

[Martin Phillips]

So this girl in Colorado, she broke your heart? Yeah, tell us about it. How did she break your heart?

[Matt Campbell]

She had a few fat ass.

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, hell yeah. Don't find those in England.

[Matt Campbell]

No, they look and sound like me, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I know. Yeah, I know. We were just there.

[Matt Campbell]

How was it? Did you enjoy it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it's, we literally hated everything about it.

[Red Band]

Worst week of our lives.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it was the worst.

[Dusty Slay]

Were, were you thinking about doing comedy before the breakup or did you just run right out and do it?

[Matt Campbell]

No, I, I, I've always kind of liked comedy, but I never got the balls.

[Dusty Slay]

She discouraged it?

[Matt Campbell]

Yeah, no, she, it's not that she discouraged anything. It's just I sort of found nothing to care about after she gave that sweet pussy up.

[Martin Phillips]

Dude, how did she let you know that she was breaking up with you?

[Matt Campbell]

Oh, I found out she was texting a dude named Grandma.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh, wow. Turns out that grandma was crushing chameleons too.

[Chris Celio]

I know.

[Jim Tally]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Damn. The old naughty grandma.

[Matt Campbell]

She might as well have been. She was a little bit older than

[Dusty Slay]

me, so she had it saved in her phone. Under grandma.

[Matt Campbell]

It was under Grandma.

[Dusty Slay]

What, what kind of text was she sending to Grandma?

[Matt Campbell]

Filthy.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, filthy.

[Dusty Slay]

You were you at first like. Is this how you talk to your grandmother?

[Chris Celio]

No, I, I genu.

[Dusty Slay]

I genuinely felt Americans do with their grandma grandparents.

[Matt Campbell]

I genuinely felt like Sherlock Holmes when I figured it out and then realized I'd been the whole Time.

[Martin Phillips]

Just not lying.

[Dusty Slay]

You're like, your grandma's up late.

[Matt Campbell]

This grandma's really horny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

At 2am Was there a specific text

[Martin Phillips]

or moment where you really figured it out?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you see it? Yes.

[Matt Campbell]

Seven o' clock the morning.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah. What was it?

[Matt Campbell]

It was. It was May 19, 2021.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Brutal, dude. Yes, brutal.

[Matt Campbell]

Just got out of the shower and she left her phone on the side and grandma said, so when are you coming over? And coming was not spelled properly.

[Captain Phillips]

Wow, Grandma's old. Yeah, in a spell.

[Pete Garza]

Yeah.

[Dusty Slay]

I'm not sure you made the right move here. Yeah, this sounds. When are you coming over? I mean, that's not as dirty as I was expecting.

[Matt Campbell]

Two M's, mate.

[Dusty Slay]

Well, I got. I'm from Alabama. I got relatives that can't smell. I mean, that's not the worst misspelling I've seen.

[Martin Phillips]

Matt, Matt, Matt. So how did you handle this situation?

[Matt Campbell]

Did you just had a quick spaz, immediately gave up and then just started doing comedy?

[Red Band]

Did she admit it?

[Matt Campbell]

Not immediately, because she was like staring at Bible quotes. But like, after we figured that out,

[Martin Phillips]

you know, she was staring at Bible quotes.

[Matt Campbell]

We took Jesus out of it. Yeah, out of the argument.

[Martin Phillips]

What do you mean exactly?

[Matt Campbell]

Well, like in the moment when I found her cheating on me, her phone, she was reading the Bible.

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that is the reddest flag humanly possible.

[Captain Phillips]

So how did she talk to Jesus?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Martin Phillips is on tour at Martin Phillips comedy dot com.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow. My goodness. Did she have any text messages with

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus in her phone, perhaps?

[Matt Campbell]

I hope not, man.

[Captain Phillips]

Hope not.

[Martin Phillips]

Incredible, Matt. Well, fun times, my friend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're doing it. You're chasing the American dream.

[Matt Campbell]

You got them right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Congratulations. There's a big joke book. There he goes. Matt Campbell, everyone. I'm English, but my father's South African. I mean, mama. All right, I have a feeling the tone's about to change tremendously in this room. Make some noise for Mushroom Matt, everyone. This. There's Mushroom Matt.

[Mushroom Matt]

Alrighty, folks. So I'm a bartender, right? Make. Been bartending for over a decade. Make thousands of drink. I've made thousands of drinks. People order some weird ass and like, I don't blink. But one thing does throw me off though, and that's when people order their drinks. Virgin. I don't get it. I've never a drink before serving it to a customer. You know, I don't pop the cherry before I garnish your Manhattan. I love alcohol, but I'm not going to stick my dick in your whiskey tonic. That's a Health code violation. So as a bartender, I've had a lot of different jobs. Like, a lot. I've worked at over 40 different restaurants. My friends say I'm a bar slut. And, you know, it's a good thing I can't. You can't catch an STD from working at a bunch of restaurants. Actually, I take that back. Don't sleep with the cocktail waitresses at P F Chang's or Buffalo Wild Wings. They look fun, but it's not worth it. So did y' all hear? Okay, that's good.

[Martin Phillips]

Did you want to finish it? Is it a quick one?

[Mushroom Matt]

Yeah, it's a quick one.

[Martin Phillips]

Did y' all hear What?

[Mushroom Matt]

It's kind of stupid, but they're good. Did you hear that they're going to deport everybody in Albuquerque and New Mexico?

[Martin Phillips]

No.

[Mushroom Matt]

Yeah, that's right. Trump says no more New Mexicans.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah, got it. Got it. You're right. Dumb as that joke is. Welcome, Mushroom mat.

[Mushroom Matt]

How's it going?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fun times?

[Martin Phillips]

Mushroom mat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's a lady that just got murdered in the middle of the room.

[Martin Phillips]

Let's talk about it. Did you really get STDs from PF Chang's? BW3s? Really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow. What kind of STDs are we talking about?

[Mushroom Matt]

Chlamydia.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow.

[Mushroom Matt]

Yeah, I've had chlamydia twice. One from my sweet high school sweetheart and then once from the girl at PF Chang.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow.

[Dusty Slay]

That's why everyone's ordering virgin drinks for me.

[Mushroom Matt]

I make a m. Mean spicy martini.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow. Then the non alcoholic beverages jokes are really flying tonight, I got to tell you. How long you been bartending mushroom at

[Mushroom Matt]

10 years or 9?

[Martin Phillips]

How long? Coming up on Stand Up.

[Mushroom Matt]

So I started three years ago. I took like an intermission, and then, like, I moved out here like six months ago. And I've been going pretty hard since I moved out here.

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, what are you laughing so hard on over here?

[Pete Garza]

Fuck.

[Red Band]

Took an intermission?

[Tripp Callahan]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

What do you mean by an intermission?

[Mushroom Matt]

I don't know. Somebody close to me died and I kind of just stopped doing it for a while.

[Martin Phillips]

Who was it who died?

[Mushroom Matt]

Her name was Nina. She had a fentanyl OD. I knew her since I was 12. She was like, my high school sweetheart.

[Martin Phillips]

Oh,

[Captain Phillips]

she gave you chlamydia?

[Mushroom Matt]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Was she the one that gave you chlamydia? Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Mushroom Matt]

I don't want to put her on blast, but.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, you can't put her on blast anymore, my friend. It's all good now.

[Martin Phillips]

She's in a She's in a place where chlamydia doesn't exist.

[Mushroom Matt]

I hope so. Yeah, I really hope so.

[Dusty Slay]

Did you say you worked at 40 restaurants? Yeah, yeah, I've been out nine years.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah,

[Mushroom Matt]

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know.

[Dusty Slay]

It's like, you're not that good at it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no, no.

[Mushroom Matt]

It's like, the restaurant industry is weird, dude. Like, there's places you'll go and you'll work, and like, after a month, you're like, oh, this place sucks. Like, they lie to you, and then, like, you start working for them, and then, like, you end up getting screwed. And then you're like, okay, this isn't worth it. Then you jump to another. Jump to another. It takes a while to, like, find a good spot, but once you find a good spot, you stay there for a while.

[Martin Phillips]

Little slut. Wow. Wow. So have you been dabbling in some serious drugs? Mushroom Mat. You go by the name Mushroom Mat?

[Mushroom Matt]

I am a big fan of mushrooms. We talked about it last time. I've even announced before.

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, yeah. That's crazy. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

[Mushroom Matt]

I love mushrooms. I actually give them out to comedians that I like because I have a lot of them, so I just give them out. Not psychedelic. They're truffles.

[Martin Phillips]

What does that mean? What's the difference?

[Mushroom Matt]

No, it's. I don't want to get in trouble.

[Martin Phillips]

It's Texas, you know, it's okay. You. You've already said enough. Go ahead.

[Mushroom Matt]

For sure.

[Martin Phillips]

So what's the difference between psychic. Oh, you're saying.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, yeah. All right.

[Martin Phillips]

I got you.

[Mushroom Matt]

Okay. Yes.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay.

[Mushroom Matt]

Excellent.

[Captain Phillips]

Do you like me or.

[Mushroom Matt]

Yeah. Yeah, dude.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Mushroom Matt]

You're dope, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Talk to me, dude. This guy's gonna be tripping all over town.

[Elena P]

Nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mushroom mat.

[Martin Phillips]

So, but other than mushrooms, what other drugs have you done?

[Mushroom Matt]

I like to. Oh, that. Like, a lot. I don't know. Like, when I was 19, I was pretty hardcore drug user, and then, like, I. I stopped doing hard drugs.

[Martin Phillips]

Like heroin.

[Mushroom Matt]

Like, like everything. Like, I've done everything.

[Dusty Slay]

Like, bit of an intermission.

[Mushroom Matt]

I.

[Dusty Slay]

Yes, yes, yes.

[Mushroom Matt]

You know, maybe when I get older, like late ages, I'll do hard drugs. But, like, when I'm young, I kind of want to try to preserve my youth and use my time as wisely as I can.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay.

[Red Band]

I feel like it's too late for you, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck, man.

[Martin Phillips]

You really think you've worked at 40 restaurants?

[Mushroom Matt]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

How fast do you think you can name the. How many. Here we go. Give me a little restaurant name and music here John Bees. 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4.

[Mushroom Matt]

Chubby's on Broadway. P F Chang's. Sailor Jacks of. Dude, it's distracting. Sailor Jacks, west side Bistro. Guys,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

it's over. You're fired again. You're fired.

[Mushroom Matt]

I can. Dude, that was hard, man. I could like. I have worked at a lot of restaurants, but, like, it take like, I don't know. That was very intimidating.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How.

[Dusty Slay]

How many different Buffalo wild wings?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just one. Just the one.

[Mushroom Matt]

It wasn't bad. As a bartender, you know, you'd make like two to three hundred dollars a night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not.

[Mushroom Matt]

Not bad.

[Dusty Slay]

Yeah.

[Mushroom Matt]

It seems like one of the lower end jobs, but they pay you at the end of the night. It's chilling.

[Martin Phillips]

Was there ever a time where you got fired and you didn't deserve it?

[Mushroom Matt]

Oh, yeah, dude. Oh, God, yes, dude.

[Pete Garza]

So,

[Mushroom Matt]

okay, like, you guys could probably tell this. I have, like a lot of energy, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, and you have former drug user energy. You've seen this before. A lot of great, great comedians have it.

[Martin Phillips]

A lot of great comedians used to do serious drugs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm not saying you're one of these great comedians. I'm just saying that it's a thing that our friends have in common. Tim, Dylan, Theo, all these guys have

[Martin Phillips]

partied to the absolute limits.

[Mushroom Matt]

Yeah. So what was I saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There it is.

[Martin Phillips]

There it is, ladies and gentlemen, confirmation that indeed.

[Mushroom Matt]

Okay, I lost my train of thought.

[Martin Phillips]

Have you ever been fired and didn't deserve it?

[Mushroom Matt]

Okay, so I have a lot of energy and like, I use the restroom a lot and that, like, I have a really nervous Jack.

[Martin Phillips]

It looks bad, right?

[Doug Polk]

It looks bad.

[Mushroom Matt]

Like, I've literally been fired from three different jobs because they thought I was like, doing coke.

[Martin Phillips]

And like talk right into the tip. We can hear your heartbeat. Keep it up there.

[Mushroom Matt]

I've been filed for multiple different restaurants. And because I have like a lot of energy and I use the restroom a lot, and it just comes off like I'm doing blow, but I don't always do blow at work, you know?

[Dusty Slay]

Would you say you have more energy right after you pee?

[Mushroom Matt]

It's like, I mean, usually I'm pretty.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Mushroom Matt]

No less. Because I'm in a rush to get to the bathroom. So I'm like, you know.

[Dusty Slay]

Yeah.

[Chris Celio]

Really?

[Dusty Slay]

Jones in for the bathroom?

[Mushroom Matt]

Yes.

[Captain Phillips]

Yeah, I think you're a coke right now.

[Chris Celio]

No, no, no.

[Pete Garza]

Yeah, see, that's what my manager's saying.

[Mushroom Matt]

I'm like, nah, dude, I'm just like this, man.

[Dusty Slay]

Like, you should do coke for the interview. And then it would always Be lower,

[Martin Phillips]

dude.

[Mushroom Matt]

Wise. Wise words, man. Actually, yeah, that's a good strategy.

[Martin Phillips]

What helped you get off the hard drug?

[Mushroom Matt]

I don't know.

[Martin Phillips]

Probably someone out there, you know, watching the show right now, just tied one off and fucking heating up a spoon right now. Getting ready to go work their shift at a P. F. Chang's fucking bar. You could save their lives right now. Explain to them how you did it. You perhaps start a collection of locomotive trains.

[Mushroom Matt]

I don't know. Like, I never really had an addicted, tender disease. I just, like, struggled to fit in. And, like, when I was doing drugs, there was, like, people to hang out with. So, like, I would do drugs, but, like, I. I, like, was on Adderall since I was 8. So, like, meth wasn't really, like. I don't know. I didn't really like it. I just did it because there's people doing meth with me, you know?

[Martin Phillips]

So you were doing meth while you were on Adderall?

[William Montgomery]

No.

[Mushroom Matt]

Yeah. Well, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What? Double exactly what a guy still on meth and Adderall would say. No go.

[Dusty Slay]

How do you get rid of Chidia? Just asking for a friend.

[Mushroom Matt]

They give you a shot in the ass.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow.

[Carlos Lopez]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Damn. That's how I got it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's another gay joke, everybody.

[Mushroom Matt]

That's awesome.

[Captain Phillips]

Awesome.

[Dusty Slay]

All right.

[Martin Phillips]

Mushroom matte.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fun times.

[Martin Phillips]

There you go.

[Mushroom Matt]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mushroom mat, everybody.

[Martin Phillips]

All right. Look at that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A compelling interview. Here we go.

[Martin Phillips]

Looks like we're gonna get our first

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

female comedian of the. Mayonnaise, Pepe le Pe. One more time for the lovely Heidi, everybody. And now this looks like it could

[Martin Phillips]

be a new name.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some noise for Elena P, Everyone. Alayna P.

[Elena P]

Hey, Austin. How's it going? Good, good. Are we dating anyone dating here in the crowd? Yeah, actually, I don't know why I'm asking. I really don't care. I'm dating a doctor, so. And he's hot, so I win, you know? But no. And I told my family and my friends I was dating a doctor. Obviously. Mom. Super excited. Some of my friends were a little bit concerned. They were, like, dating a doctor. I'm like, yeah. They're like, haven't you seen Grey's Anatomy? Aren't you a little bit worried? I'm like, yeah, you know McDreamy McSteemy? And they're like, exactly like, you think he's, like, hooking up with nurses in the stairwell? I was a little bit taken aback, honestly. I was a little offended. I was like, you guys, he's a gentleman. You're crazy. If you think he's hooking up with nurses in the stairwell? He's at least fucking them in the call room. My God. Come on. No, honestly, if anything, the only thing that's really screwing him is the American healthcare system, so. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. Thank you, guys.

[Martin Phillips]

All right, Elena P. Welcome to the show. Is this your first time on?

[Elena P]

It is my first day.

[Martin Phillips]

How long have you been doing standup?

[Elena P]

Today's my first day, y'.

[Hank Garza]

All.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Starting here. Did you do an open mic earlier or something?

[Elena P]

You know, I go to a lot of open mics with my boyfriend. He actually does comedy. So we came to to Austin on Friday night and we leave Wednesday afternoon. But we've been popping around to all the local spots and dating a doctor

[Martin Phillips]

that also does comedy.

[Elena P]

I do. Yeah. That's his backup plan. If comedy doesn't work out, he's got the doctor thing to follow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is he a real doctor?

[Elena P]

He really is a real doctor.

[Martin Phillips]

What kind of doctor is he?

[Elena P]

A general practitioner. Yeah. He says, clearly, I did not go

[Dusty Slay]

to medical school, so I don't like an urgent care.

[Elena P]

Yeah. You know, if you go. Turns out they make a lot of money working at urgent care, so. Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Really?

[Carlos Lopez]

How much?

[Martin Phillips]

How much money? Do you know how much money he makes?

[Elena P]

I know that he just got. He's now able to actually practice on his own. And if he got like a job at urgent care, I think they pay like $200 an hour or something ridiculous like.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Elena P]

It's crazy. I know.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow. It's a lot better than all these

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

valet we've had on today.

[Martin Phillips]

How about you? What do you do for a living, Elena?

[Elena P]

So I'm a photographer, so I actually

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

like $0 per hour if anything. $0 ever. Total made.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow.

[Elena P]

I am a photographer and a legree instructor. Most people don't know what legree is,

[Martin Phillips]

but if you do, what is it?

[Elena P]

Lagree.

[Martin Phillips]

What is that?

[Elena P]

That is like Pilates on steroids, essentially, is what it is.

[Martin Phillips]

And you do that?

[Elena P]

I do teach that. I've been coaching for three years and taking for four.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay.

[Red Band]

Do you do private classes?

[Elena P]

You know, for you, red band. For you, red band. I would, yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, look at that. Yeah, he's been eating a lot of Pilates of food. That's plates. Plates, but pronounced it plates.

[Elena P]

Yeah, There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Peace base lattes. Because you like plates. Multiple plates.

[Elena P]

I can agree with that. I can agree with that.

[Martin Phillips]

Elena, how long you been with this guy?

[Elena P]

We've known each other for a year and I've been officially. We've been officially dating for six months. Seven months. Seven months.

[Martin Phillips]

And you really trust him?

[Elena P]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Does he ever text his grandma?

[Elena P]

You know, I. I don't actually know. I think one of his grandmothers is probably dead. The other one alive, I think. I think he's close with Grandma. We'll see. I don't know.

[Dusty Slay]

You guys get into personal life too much, huh?

[Elena P]

Well, yeah, I felt like a whole forum if I want to, like, talk to him, really.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So that's for 200 bucks an hour

[Dusty Slay]

when he's at an open mic. Are you going? You're really losing money here.

[Elena P]

But, yeah, right. No, I. I like to tell him, at least I made more money than he has at comedy shows because I actually get paid as the photographer to take their photos. Yeah, he's made, you know, nothing really.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Martin Phillips is furious right now.

[Captain Phillips]

I said, oh, yeah, you got him. Oh, you showed up.

[Elena P]

Yeah, I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Elena P]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Incredible. So where did you meet this guy?

[Elena P]

We met on a boat, actually, which is. I love your captain's hat. Right here. Look at this. Is the captain of the boat. Martin Phillips is our captain. Look at that. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If anybody's wondering who sunk the Titanic, here he is, everybody.

[Elena P]

Yeah, we met on a boat. It was my friend's birthday that I got invited, and he lives at my friend's complex. So they were, like, down at the pool or something or another, and he was, like, hanging out with his friend who was seeing my friend, and they were like, hey, we're going on a boat tomorrow. They told me I was going on the boat tomorrow.

[Martin Phillips]

Where was this boat at?

[Pete Garza]

Where?

[Elena P]

It's at Percy Priest. So I know Dusty Slay here is from Nashville.

[Dusty Slay]

Hey, I live right next to Percy Priest. Yeah, I was there that day.

[Elena P]

Yeah, right? Yeah, Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can picture you just standing behind

[Martin Phillips]

a tree watching the whole thing happening. Now, that's love if I've ever seen it.

[Elena P]

Right, Right.

[Martin Phillips]

The start of fresh love.

[Elena P]

I'll say. Hey, we were having a good time.

[Dusty Slay]

Two fans here.

[Elena P]

I love it. You were actually. You were actually one of the first people I ever saw at Zany's. And it was amazing. Yeah, it was. Yep. Yeah, he really is a good comedian. There you go. Yeah,

[Dusty Slay]

and urgent care is a good job for a doctor. I've always said that.

[Elena P]

I'll take your picture.

[Martin Phillips]

Did this urgent care doctor sign up for this show?

[Elena P]

He did. He's here. The doctor's in, everybody. The doctor. And then you guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you guys are only visiting this Monday?

[Elena P]

Only this. This is. He's gotta get back to the clinic, so, you know, I gotta get back to the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In Nashville.

[Elena P]

Yes. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Dusty Slay]

I could have actually seen your boyfriend before.

[Elena P]

You probably might have had.

[Tripp Callahan]

Go.

[Dusty Slay]

I get poison ivy a lot.

[Elena P]

I think it's a. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's his name?

[Elena P]

Dr. T. Dr. Tim T. He signed

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

up as Dr. Tim T. Dr. Tim T. Is here. Go get Dr. Tim T. Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's been a long time since we had someone's significant other on this show.

[Martin Phillips]

We're going to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're going to see who really writes

[Martin Phillips]

the prescriptions in this relationship here.

[Elena P]

Yes. I love it. Yeah, He's. He's great. Amazing. He's been great.

[Martin Phillips]

And did he start stand up before you or were you doing.

[Elena P]

He did, he did. He started back in Arkansas. That's where he's from. And then he got really into it kind of when we started dating almost a year ago. He was really into it. And like, I just kept going to open mics and. Yeah, the Nashville scene is really, really something out there. A lot of clean mics, but also there's some. There's some dirtier stuff at Zaney's and things.

[Dusty Slay]

We're really doing it there.

[Elena P]

Yeah. Yeah, we are.

[Martin Phillips]

It's incredible. While we wait for Dr. Timmy T, I'm going to ask you, do you always perform, like. Do you always dress like you're about to do an open mic on Mars?

[Elena P]

You know, I look at. I wore this for the comedy mothership. I wanted to. I want to dress like an alien or like a Martian or something fun.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay.

[Elena P]

I love a theme. I love a theme. So that's that, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Elena P]

Love fashion for my girlies. You know, the girls.

[Jim Tally]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is like a bad episode of the Kardashians right now. This is incredible.

[Red Band]

Would you say you're high maintenance?

[Elena P]

I just would like to think I have high standards.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So that's a big, glaring.

[Mushroom Matt]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All capital letters with five exclamation points afterwards.

[Elena P]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

What do you think is the most high maintenance thing about you? How long does it take you to get ready? If we were like, we gotta go. Oh, we were supposed to go to

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

dinner with my parents. Let's go.

[Martin Phillips]

How long would it take care?

[Elena P]

To be honest, I am always, like, chronically late, but I like to think, especially in the summertime, I like to do more of, like, a natural makeup look. So I try not to. This is the most makeup I think I've worn all week, but I usually try and do, like a tinted sunscreen.

[Martin Phillips]

Four hours. Perfect.

[Elena P]

Yeah, right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Martin Phillips]

Great.

[Elena P]

Dirty hair.

[Dusty Slay]

Okay, what time did you start getting ready for this show?

[Elena P]

I. I gave myself a good half hour at least. Yeah, a good half hour.

[Captain Phillips]

So let's ask the doctor.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, the doctor is in. I've gotten a word and you could just.

[Martin Phillips]

You could just hide out behind the. The horn players in front of the drums over there. Put that mic in the mic stand as I introduce to you the guy, ladies and gentlemen, that not only does comedy with Elena, not only dates Elena, but has sex with her as well.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Kill Tony debut of Dr. Timmy T.

[Dusty Slay]

How

[Dr. Timmy T]

do y' all know why the native Americans say how? It's cause the settlers killed them before they could get out. How are you doing?

[Carlos Lopez]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Dr. Timmy T]

I went to this Indian restaurant the other day, and when I walked in, there were swastikas all over the walls. Now, I'm from the south, that's not completely unnormal. But I went up to the guy at the front and I was like, hey, man, what's up with all the swastikas? He was like, listen, listen. It's Sanskrit for good luck. He's like, yeah, but it's Hebrew for bad luck. I went on to ask him, I was like, hey, what's better, the lamb bindaloo or the buttered chicken? He was like, ah, they're both good in their own Reich. Yeah, I didn't get either one. I ended up getting the swastika masala.

[Martin Phillips]

I'm kidding.

[Dr. Timmy T]

What I really got was diarrhea. No. So I grew up really religious. And being really religious, they're like, hey, you need to try to be like Jesus. Which is a really high standard. You know, he was perfect, walked on water, performed miracles. I was like, how can I live up to those expectations? And then I read Revelations 22:12 and it said Jesus said, behold, I cometh quickly. He's like, finally I can be a little more Christlike.

[Carlos Lopez]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dr. Timmy T. Wow, look at that. What an incredible thing. What a stud you are, huh?

[Dusty Slay]

Thank you.

[Martin Phillips]

Look at you, just a good looking doctor. You're funny. You got it all going. Except for that fake ass girlfriend over here showing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I didn't realize Pedro Pascal had a Down syndrome. Little brother, I love it. You're adorable. Dr. Timmy T, welcome to the show.

[Martin Phillips]

Thank you.

[Chris Celio]

Thank you.

[Martin Phillips]

How long you been doing stand up?

[Dr. Timmy T]

Like two years. Like a year. Seriously?

[Martin Phillips]

Awesome.

[Dr. Timmy T]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

And how much time did you spend in medical school?

[Dr. Timmy T]

Four years in medical school, six years in undergrad.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay. Look at that, Dusty. What do you think about this guy?

[Dusty Slay]

Well, I'd like to know how you treat chlamydia.

[Dr. Timmy T]

Doxycycline, Mr. Dusty. Okay, how.

[Dusty Slay]

Where would you put it?

[Chris Celio]

In the mouth.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Dusty Slay]

So you think the guy earlier was getting some bad medicine?

[Dr. Timmy T]

I am unaware of what you were talking about.

[Chris Celio]

Yeah, but probably.

[Dusty Slay]

Okay.

[Martin Phillips]

Amazing. Dr. Timmy T. So you're a general practitioner, right?

[Dr. Timmy T]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Covering all. What's the.

[Martin Phillips]

The craziest thing you've ever had walk into your urgent care or whatever?

[Dr. Timmy T]

Oh, I had a man whose. Whose penis was rotting off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow.

[Martin Phillips]

How did that happen?

[Dr. Timmy T]

He ended up having surgery. He got one of the. He had erectile dysfunction and he got one of those, like, penis pumps put in. Oh, but he lied to your doctor. Never lie to your doctor. He lied to his doctor and said he wasn't smoking.

[Dusty Slay]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Wait, you can't smoke cigarettes and use a penis enlarger.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, you know.

[Chris Celio]

Oh, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm gonna need to see you behind the curtain in 30 minutes.

[Matt Campbell]

Okay.

[Red Band]

That is weird though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But because like all my whole life

[Red Band]

I would like, say, do you smoke? I'm like, yeah, not really. Because you don't want to say that for the insurance or whatever. They should tell you. No, no. If you do, just say yes.

[Martin Phillips]

Can you explain why? Oh, I can already. I can probably already tell. It probably restricts the blood vessels. That's right. That's right.

[Dr. Timmy T]

That's right. Tony, you are a smart guy.

[Martin Phillips]

I really am. You know, I think I could be a doctor too.

[Chris Celio]

You know, probably.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Dr. Timmy T]

If I can be.

[Chris Celio]

You probably can.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Doc's a cycling.

[Martin Phillips]

That's what I would just give everybody for everything.

[Dr. Timmy T]

We'll call you Dr. Cycling.

[Martin Phillips]

There we go. You're a fucking. You're a real fucking guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for fun, Dr.

[Dr. Timmy T]

Timmy T. Oh, man, I like to play sports. I play basketball. Pick up basketball.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow.

[Dr. Timmy T]

Yeah, I do. I have bonsai trees.

[Dusty Slay]

You really just do it all, huh?

[Dr. Timmy T]

Yeah, me and my girlfriend have been building Legos lately.

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, amazing. Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you eight? He has to.

[Martin Phillips]

He has to partake in activities that

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

she can do as well. Wow, I love it.

[Martin Phillips]

What's the longest set you've ever done?

[Dr. Timmy T]

10 minutes.

[Martin Phillips]

10 minutes.

[Red Band]

Would you like to do like an 8 minute set at the secret show Thursday?

[Dr. Timmy T]

Absolutely I would.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. The doctor is in. Dr. Timmy T. Doctor.

[Martin Phillips]

Here you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here's a big joke bug. Boom. And here's a little one for the lady right there. She got out of punchline and a half. Shut the up. What an adorable couple though. Congratulations. There they go. Dr. Timmy T. And Elena P. How fun. I wonder if this is who I think it is.

[Martin Phillips]

I wonder if this is our old

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

cowboy friend we're gonna see. Make some noise for Carlos Lopez, everyone. Oh, it is one of the legends of the show. The return of Carlos Lopez.

[Carlos Lopez]

Howdy. So I was asleep in my bed the other night getting the most wonderful slumber ever had. And I woke up to my phone just a yelling at me. I thought I cheated on Siri. This thing was fucking screaming. My phone went off and it was a. It was an Amber alert for a 15 year old Hispanic girl. And I thought that was fucked up. Cause what about her two kids? Are they okay? They get taken too. They're my thoughts and prayers. So this Boulder situation has never been great, but lately I've been seeing it bring out the worst in people. I'll leave it on that.

[Martin Phillips]

Go ahead, finish it.

[Carlos Lopez]

The other day I saw one man tell another man to go back to Mexico. And I don't think he meant it. No, because if he meant it, he learned how to say that shit in Spanish.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Carlos Lopez. We actually watched him have his very start here on the show.

[Martin Phillips]

And that, you know, that's. It's just like the nature of the beast. Like what I was talking about with Doug Poke about earlier and then your second time, kind of rough, right? And then look at you, you're back with that same type of snappy, hard hitting punch lines that you had that first time. You've been working at it, huh?

[Carlos Lopez]

Oh yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Incredible. You take this seriously?

[Carlos Lopez]

Yes, sir.

[Martin Phillips]

You're a serious man. You're a serious cowboy.

[Carlos Lopez]

Yes, sir.

[Martin Phillips]

And you're driving 18 wheelers?

[Carlos Lopez]

No, I retired.

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, you hung up the old truck nuts, huh?

[Carlos Lopez]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

What, what do you do now?

[Carlos Lopez]

I'm in real estate.

[Martin Phillips]

Real estate. You're selling wheels?

[Carlos Lopez]

He'll country manufactured homes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Real estate.

[Martin Phillips]

Wait, real estate or real estate with

[Carlos Lopez]

wheels on the bottom?

[Martin Phillips]

Okay, look at this.

[Captain Phillips]

Best of both worlds.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

That sounds like a one stop shop for you. Martin Phillips.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not interested.

[Martin Phillips]

My goodness. So tell us more about the real estate that you're selling. Sell us right now. I'm sure there's some people here. There's a lot of Texas oil money in the room right now.

[Carlos Lopez]

That's not who I'm targeting.

[Dusty Slay]

Like trailers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. You're from Alabama. You speak whatever language this is.

[Dusty Slay]

Yeah, you're talking trailers.

[Carlos Lopez]

Oh yeah.

[Dusty Slay]

Manufactured home. That's the word for trailer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's.

[Dusty Slay]

That's what people say when they don't want you to know they live in a trailer.

[Martin Phillips]

This is incredible. So it's a different type of market. Well, maybe there's some rich people here that want to buy a trailer. Maybe there's some poor people here that want to buy a trailer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Great.

[Martin Phillips]

There's a lot of comedians watching, I

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

can tell you that.

[Martin Phillips]

And these people are all homeless and need a car at the same time. You could probably be a one stop shop. And I'm gonna give you the single spotlight treatment. Sell us on real estate.

[Carlos Lopez]

How much you fucking pay on rent? You want to pay that much with own the motherfucker? It's that easy. They sell themselves sold.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'll take three right now.

[Carlos Lopez]

You can afford it, I promise.

[William Montgomery]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I don't really.

[Dusty Slay]

And then you go, how bad is your credit?

[Carlos Lopez]

The homeless people are the ones that can't afford the homes. That's why they're homeless. Figuring it out.

[Martin Phillips]

Right. Right. So do you.

[Red Band]

Do you offer tornado insurance? Like. Like.

[Carlos Lopez]

Hell no.

[Jim Tally]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's your bread and butter.

[Carlos Lopez]

You're counting on Terrible business idea.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You need the tornadoes.

[Martin Phillips]

The tornadoes bring it back around.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's the wheel deal.

[Carlos Lopez]

I'm gonna have to use that. I'm sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's yours, buddy.

[Martin Phillips]

You can have it. It's all yours.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Martin Phillips]

Absolutely incredible. So that's going good for you, Selling a lot of trailers.

[Carlos Lopez]

And I'm four weeks in right now just. Just getting started.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Carlos Lopez]

I want to get off the road. I found out the hard way that my girlfriend has a nut allergy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did you find out?

[Carlos Lopez]

We have a son now. He's three months old. Swollen for nine fucking months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I see. I see. You nutted inside of her. I get it now.

[Martin Phillips]

I get it. I get it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was having a really hard time understanding the joke for a second, but now I can get it.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow. Congratulations. What you named. I bet you gave him a real

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

cowboy, a real regal name. Am I right?

[Carlos Lopez]

Well, Tony, I'm glad you asked. I named after my heroes. Yeah. Tony Walker, Texas Ranger Lopez.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Martin Phillips]

Tony Walker, Texas Ranger Lopez.

[Carlos Lopez]

That's mostly true.

[Martin Phillips]

Tony Walker Lopez.

[Dusty Slay]

Tony Walker's got a good ring to it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Dusty Slay]

Not really that funny, I guess, but it's like a good ring.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Dusty Slay]

Tony Walker.

[Carlos Lopez]

It's Jackson Walker.

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, Jackson Walker.

[Hal Soddy]

That's.

[Martin Phillips]

See, that's what I was looking for. That's a real country named Jackson Walker Lopez.

[Carlos Lopez]

I don't want to leave with it.

[Martin Phillips]

Sounds like he would deport himself

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you know what? I just figured out what my last name is. I'm gonna go ahead and hit the dusty trail. I'm gonna get inside of my home and drive there. Wow.

[Martin Phillips]

I love it. You get him a little cowboy hat already?

[Carlos Lopez]

He's not ready. He has to earn it.

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, what does he have to do to earn it? We had a couple up here that's

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

trying to figure out Legos right now.

[Martin Phillips]

What kind of what does a kid have to do to earn his first cowboy hat?

[Carlos Lopez]

I guess hold his head up first, you know?

[Martin Phillips]

That's true. That's true.

[Dusty Slay]

Is that how you talk to him?

[Carlos Lopez]

I mean, you can right now. You don't know what I'm saying?

[Dusty Slay]

Yeah, yeah.

[Carlos Lopez]

Vibes.

[Martin Phillips]

Just vibe.

[Matt Campbell]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

I love it. I love it. Mom's handling it all well.

[Carlos Lopez]

Oh, she's doing great.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Red Band]

And breastfeeding.

[Carlos Lopez]

Oh, yeah. She had big tits when I met her, but holy no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at this. Red Band's heart is a rock right now. I see it hanging out of his shorts. He has a special penis pump he's been using lately.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow. Incredible. Do you ever taste any of the breast milk? You ever give a quick little suck?

[Chris Celio]

It's not.

[Carlos Lopez]

It's not a. Something I do on purpose, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. But if it happens accidentally, I gotta

[Carlos Lopez]

warm up breast milk when she's gone and. And you know, you got to make sure that it's not too hot sometimes.

[Dusty Slay]

Oh, you don't just go in too quick after the baby.

[Carlos Lopez]

I want to steal the produce.

[Dusty Slay]

Yeah.

[Carlos Lopez]

Only got so much.

[Martin Phillips]

Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Some of that old cowboy cream.

[Martin Phillips]

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I love it. What surprised you or what's surprising to you about having a young three month old? Is there anything that surprised you? This is your first kid?

[Carlos Lopez]

Yeah, my first kid. Man. Honestly, the. The urge to go home now is there. It never has been before. Yeah, I've been just rambling all over the place.

[Martin Phillips]

That's what it seems like with all of our friends. Once they have a kid, they're back home and they don't know they're not hanging out. Being degenerates like we all are seems to be the common thing.

[Dusty Slay]

It's amazing how your wife doesn't want you. Make you want to be at home. But the kid does

[Martin Phillips]

well, once you got a taste of that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That bm. You know what I'm saying?

[Elena P]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

That sweet little. Is your wife Mexican?

[Carlos Lopez]

Very, very.

[Martin Phillips]

Hell yeah.

[Carlos Lopez]

Chasing Latinos is more than just a hobby.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So it's like hiracha yeah, Come on.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Some of that titty tamarindo.

[Martin Phillips]

Am I right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

On delay. Oh, yeah. Very good, Martin. You really are the captain now. Carlos Lopez.

[Martin Phillips]

Fun times.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You did it again. I'm out of big joke books, but you already got one. You're the man, Carlos. This crowd loves you. Everybody loves you. Killing it. Daddy's home. Carlos Lopez. And we have his stunt double, ladies and gentlemen, another proud Mexican father that we've known for years and years. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Hank Garza.

[Hank Garza]

I believe that a lot of us in here are not racist, but our algorithms are. Anybody else see that one post about that one group of people and you're just like. Like, y' all know the ones I'm talking about. I've really had it up to here with these bullshit weed names, and they're like, hank, it's exotic. It's like, dude, it sounds like diabetes mixed with blue or purple. It's not exotic. If we want to start naming weed that is exotic, let's start naming it after shit that is exotic. Like thick white women without black dudes in their DMs. Kush, the hardest part about me dating is actually. It's not even the wife and kids

[Jim Tally]

that I have at home.

[Hank Garza]

It's actually the sleep apnea machine. You know how fucked up it is when you have to take down the hose to go see the hose? Crazy. I want to end this on an impression. This is my impression of a fortune teller from the late 90s, early 2000s bombaclot. Y' all remember that? Here we go. There's Alex Jones here let you know everything I said back in the day came out to be true. They are kids on an island and they are turning the frogs gay. My name is Hank Garz. That's been my minute.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank y' all so much, Garza.

[Martin Phillips]

All right. I like the racist algorithms and the sleep. Do you have a sleep apnea machine?

[Hank Garza]

I. I have a BiPAP, yes, sir.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow.

[Hank Garza]

Breathe in and out for me.

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, my God. You don't even have to do anything.

[Dusty Slay]

No.

[Martin Phillips]

You don't have to think about any of it. You just lay there like Darth Vader. Wow. Is that good? You get a good night's sleep with that thing?

[Hank Garza]

It's all right. I have a one year old right now, so I'm waking up all the time to change him and feed him, so.

[Martin Phillips]

Right.

[Dusty Slay]

Is your one year old terrified by that machine?

[Hank Garza]

Nah, not at all, man. I look like Baner. They hooked me up like a Tesla.

[Martin Phillips]

Just. Wow.

[Hank Garza]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay.

[Hank Garza]

But when I cheat, I feel like my solution to that problem, Tony, is I have to find other women that are also on sleep apnea machines.

[Red Band]

Right.

[Hank Garza]

And we just hit that like a hookah.

[Martin Phillips]

Incredible. When you say Navajos to see the hose. What's a Navajo?

[Hank Garza]

No, no. I have to take down the hose to go see the hose because the CPAP machine has a hose.

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, it's a hose. Got it. All right.

[Hank Garza]

Got it to go see the hose.

[Dusty Slay]

Yeah, I got it. Now you take it with you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have show up at the house

[Dusty Slay]

and if they see you with a sleep apnea machine, they know you playing all the time. State.

[Hank Garza]

I mean business. I mean business.

[Dusty Slay]

Dude, you got a bag of condoms and a sleep apnea machine.

[Hank Garza]

That's right, baby. Cpapy.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow, look at that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at that.

[Martin Phillips]

You have all these catchphrases for not

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

being able to breathe on your own. Incredible.

[Red Band]

How'd you go to the doctor or find out that you needed that machine? Like, what made you go to the.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah. Red band's a week away from this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, dude, I feel like I should have one.

[Hank Garza]

My wife was like, hey, it sounds like you're dying.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, yeah, I'm good.

[Dusty Slay]

And you're like, you're like, I'm exhausted from cheating on you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Hank Garza]

I love you, babe.

[Martin Phillips]

Martin, do you have to sleep with anything wacky? You have any wacky things?

[Captain Phillips]

No, no, I can sleep normal. I'm not like this freak.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thanks.

[Martin Phillips]

Hey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn.

[Martin Phillips]

Martin Phillips. Holy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What else is going on in your life, Hank?

[Martin Phillips]

You've been doing stand up for a few years.

[Hank Garza]

Yeah, I just completed three years. Just getting up as much as I can, bro. As much as I can in San Antonio raising kids. That's it. Right now I'm stay at home. Dad, it sucks. I mean, it's cool, but it's not cool at the same time. It's sucks. Yeah, Men should be out there doing, not raising kids, but whatever.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow.

[Hank Garza]

But wife makes a pretty decent living. So I'm like, all right, you know what? I'll change a diaper.

[Martin Phillips]

Hell yeah. Okay.

[Dusty Slay]

I hope your kids aren't watching.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Red Band]

Way better set you had tonight than the last.

[Tripp Callahan]

Oh, yeah.

[Red Band]

I was screamed last.

[Hank Garza]

Yeah, I was.

[Red Band]

I know, it's very scary.

[Hank Garza]

Oh, last time I ate a huge dick on here on this show, man. That was such a rude awakening for me on where I was comedy wise and take this seriously.

[Martin Phillips]

It's a ruder awakening when your CPAP machine runs out of water. Is that how those work? You put water in It.

[Hank Garza]

Oh, you know it.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, you put water in. It's like a humidifier.

[Hank Garza]

I like high humidity. Dude, then you put it like 72 degrees.

[Dusty Slay]

Oh, damn, dog.

[Captain Phillips]

I want to try it.

[Hank Garza]

Yeah.

[Tripp Callahan]

Oh, yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Hell yeah. Yeah. Well, okay, Hank, great stuff.

[Hank Garza]

Thank you so much.

[Martin Phillips]

Here you go. Here's a big joke book.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hank Garza, he's our buddy. That's our buddy, Hank. It's a big joke book. That's how show business works. Well, I mean, what can I say? This has been a hell of an episode. And I think there's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen. And he is behind that curtain for he holds the record for all time appearances, interviews. In the history of the show, no one has done it more. Nobody has done it better. A living member of the KIL Tony hall of fame. Some people call him the Shaw of Shopify. Sponsored by Masshole lobster truck. It's known as the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine. Live in the flesh. This is William Montgomery.

[William Montgomery]

I like to buy my dogs from the pound because I like my dogs to be hardened criminals who think they're out on parole. After a long search for the best match, doctors have successfully transplanted a pig lung into a brain dead human being. And I just want to say congratulations on your new lung, Amy Schumer. Last time last week, Cracker Barrel board of directors made the mistake of letting a dumb bitch talk them into changing their logo. The bad news is Cracker Barrel's stock value dropped $100 million. The good news, we'll be seeing Shane Gillis and Cracker Barrel commercials very soon. What were Kurt Cobain's last words?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Courtney, don't. Okay, that's my time. Thank you. Wow. Exactly 59 seconds. Two or three of the biggest jokes of the night. I feel like I have to let Shane know immediately after this episode. The joke you just did. That is so funny. That is incredible because it's probably true.

[William Montgomery]

Oh, it's very, very true. I hate it. And if y' all look up, seriously, it's crazy. If y' all look up, the CEO of Cracker Barrel, she looks just like the girl from. Oh, what is her name?

[Martin Phillips]

Everyone that hates our show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are correct.

[Dusty Slay]

The saddest thing about that joke is I'm in a Cracker Barrel commercial right now.

[Martin Phillips]

Really?

[William Montgomery]

Damn.

[Martin Phillips]

Is that true?

[Dusty Slay]

It is true. I don't know if it's still airing, but I did do a 15 second commercial.

[William Montgomery]

Dusty, that is wonderful. I swear to God, that is a dream of Mine, I happen to love Cracker Barrel. That really is so cool.

[Matt Campbell]

That's so cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you saying?

[William Montgomery]

In it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you even do?

[Dusty Slay]

When I was in it, the stock was doing great, though it was still doing really well. We had the old logo, old design.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah. You seem. Now that you mentioned, I could see why they would pick you as one

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

of their clear representatives.

[Martin Phillips]

Absolutely incredible. Wow, William, you did it yet again. I mean, incredible. What was the thing? Would you say A pigalum.

[Captain Phillips]

A what?

[Martin Phillips]

A pigalum. Piglum. What did you say? What was the pick?

[William Montgomery]

Long pig lung. Yeah, they literally. They found they did it in a brain dead person and they put a pig L lung and the brain dead person and the lung lasted for, I think, eight days.

[Dusty Slay]

Wow.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow. Look at that.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What a great experiment.

[Martin Phillips]

I'm pretty sure the doctor that did that was up here just a few bucket pulls ago.

[Dusty Slay]

Yeah. You had a CPAP machine that breathed in and out for it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

I mean, incredible performance. Really, really amazing.

[William Montgomery]

Well, you're really sweet. Well, Tony, I think it's. I had that. The Courtney Love joke or whatever I have been listening to since last week because I was up in Spokane, Washington, this weekend. It's the first time I've repeated a comedy club. It's been like a year and a half. And I created this whole new set. It's 70 old. 70 new jokes, 30 old jokes. And I was. It took me forever. I was taking. Tony, don't be mad at me, but I was taking a little bit of Adderall and I was smoking weed and I spent two full weeks on it. And I've been listening to the story song by a Hulk called softer softest probably 700 times. For anybody who's hearing my voice right now, it's one of the best songs ever. I've been listening to it. It's on repeat, Tony, on my Spotify.

[Martin Phillips]

It's not a good song.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't like that song.

[Chris Celio]

You don't like anything. Idiot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He told me about this and. And I was like, oh, this must

[Red Band]

be a great song. I. I used to have that album. It's just like a throwaway song, but you're addicted to the girl that played it that died of an overdose. You have this whole conspiracy about it that Courtney killed her also or something, right?

[William Montgomery]

Yes. I think Courtney was involved in the bass player's death.

[Martin Phillips]

So tell us more about that. Tell us about this conspiracy.

[William Montgomery]

It's just so horrible. When I was up in New York City, Tony, I Just looked something happened. And I saw the the picture of the bass player for Hole during this point in time of their career, the second album. And I was like, oh my God, this girl's beautiful. And I started looking, reading more about her. I was very intrigued. And she died at 27. And they're thinking the guitar player is the one who injected her with all the heroin. And then they're saying that Courtney Love told the guitar player to do that. So it's this whole can of worms, Tony.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow. It's this whole can of worms. Are there more people that you think,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

oh, he does not like?

[William Montgomery]

That's like a laugh out of my

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

nightmares when he was like, red bands laugh. They have a long standing rivalry. They do not seem to get along.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, he's talking about that song. I think people will like softer softness when they listen to it later tonight. I think people will like the song.

[Martin Phillips]

It's a wonderful though you think that Courtney Love is responsible for the death of the bass player of whole the death of Kurt Cobain. Is there anybody else who you think Courtney Love may have killed?

[William Montgomery]

The sound garden guy?

[Martin Phillips]

Yep. Okay.

[Red Band]

Tony look alike.

[William Montgomery]

Chris Parnell. Chris Parnell. No, I'm kidding. Yeah, Parnell was the guy on snl. Yeah. Chris Cornell.

[Martin Phillips]

Who else?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Steve.

[William Montgomery]

Thanks. Jacob.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jacob on the.

[William Montgomery]

No, I'm kidding. That was awkward when I couldn't remember Yalls names.

[Martin Phillips]

Is there anybody else perhaps Courtney Love murdered during her lifetime. You've been following, you've been going down this road.

[William Montgomery]

Well, it's weirdly enough they're saying she was the one up in the jail and kill Jeffrey Epstein because she knows people who are good.

[Dusty Slay]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

Jeffrey Epstein. Keanu Reeves in the movie Speed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, she's the one that killed his ass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, how movie Speed.

[Dusty Slay]

How many days have you been awake in a row?

[William Montgomery]

I slept till 1:30 today because the night before I only slept an hour. But I was able to sleep till 1:30 today, which is I really slept in today.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I needed the rest.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow, that's exhaust flashing of the lights for the amount of sleep that you got. What time did you go to bed?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

12:00pm There you go. An hour and a half.

[William Montgomery]

12:00am oh, there you go.

[Martin Phillips]

That's better.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is there anyone else you think like army time?

[William Montgomery]

I, I. How do you even figure out army time?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Martin Phillips]

Incredible observation, William. Is there any anybody else you think on this conspiracy theory of yours? Do you think that Courtney Love may have killed during her la.

[William Montgomery]

Maybe Dave Thomas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, the Wendy's guy?

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah. From Columbus, Ohio.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We love Red band.

[William Montgomery]

That's right.

[Martin Phillips]

Right?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, yeah, you told me that one. In a band, remember?

[Martin Phillips]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

How about you let me know about that one? Remember you called me all excited when you found out about it?

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

There's another person.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow. That's incredible. Dave Thomas. Can you believe that? Right?

[Matt Campbell]

Bang.

[William Montgomery]

Can believe.

[Martin Phillips]

It's very sad when he's reminded about the death of Dave Thomas.

[Red Band]

Yeah, I might be.

[Martin Phillips]

That might.

[Red Band]

That might be my real death.

[Chris Celio]

That might be my real world.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, well, your mom had sex with enough dudes. I don't know if we actually could figure out if it was. I don't know if we'll ever find

[Red Band]

out if it's his executive secretary.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Secretary.

[Red Band]

And then my parents got divorced and I found out why it might be my real dad.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I just hear executive secretary.

[Martin Phillips]

It makes sense. I can see how Dave Thomas could be your father. I mean, you are a 52 year old Baconator.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So

[Martin Phillips]

here's the beef. Is there anybody else you think Courtney Love made have murdered during her lifetime?

[William Montgomery]

Lisa Frank.

[Chris Celio]

Whoa, whoa.

[William Montgomery]

And I'm kidding about that one.

[Martin Phillips]

Passionate about that.

[William Montgomery]

I'm kidding about that one. That's why I tripped.

[Martin Phillips]

Who's Lisa Frank?

[William Montgomery]

The lady who made the stickers and stuff. Like the. The girls like.

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, okay. Who else? Is there anyone else you think Courtney Love may be responsible for their untimely death? What about maybe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who?

[Martin Phillips]

Maybe.

[William Montgomery]

Maybe 911

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

that's responsible for 9 11?

[Mushroom Matt]

No.

[Martin Phillips]

That's crazy.

[William Montgomery]

She didn't do that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you know that?

[Martin Phillips]

Huh? How do you know she had nothing to do with that?

[William Montgomery]

I'm just pretty sure she did it? I did the research.

[Captain Phillips]

Wow.

[Dusty Slay]

Maybe just Building seven.

[Captain Phillips]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

This is a smaller building. People forget about that building.

[Martin Phillips]

People do forget about that building. Tower 7. Everyone remembers 9 11, but no one remembers Tower 7. Is there anyone else you think Courtney Love may be responsible for?

[William Montgomery]

Well, this one's horrible. He's actually on my shirt. King Cobra JFS Josh, rest in peace. He just died up. And I think Wyoming. I think she had something to do with him. But King Cobra JFS Rest in peace. He had a bad drinking problem.

[Martin Phillips]

If you had a chance watching him. If you had a chance to talk to Courtney Love and she was here face to face. I'm sure she's watching this right now. What would you say to her? What would you say to Courtney Love?

[William Montgomery]

Courtney. Get it.

[Dusty Slay]

You don't.

[William Montgomery]

Courtney.

[Dusty Slay]

I get it.

[William Montgomery]

You don't normally take requests, but if you could play softer, softest.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

If your second album. I could Sing the words with you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

I'd be able to sing every single word with you.

[Dusty Slay]

Wow.

[Martin Phillips]

That is incredible. So you would take an opportunity to hang out with her and sing with her even though she kills people?

[Dusty Slay]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

My gosh. Softer, Softest. I'm not kidding. I've listened to it 800 times since last week. I'm not even kidding. It's on Retirement beat on my phone. That's all I'm listening to.

[Jim Tally]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

And it's almost feels weird because now I like it. Oh, seriously, now I like it.

[Martin Phillips]

When I started with Kurt Cobain, one second you're liking her music, the next thing you know.

[Dusty Slay]

And you wrote 70 jokes listening to that song.

[William Montgomery]

70? No, I was analyzing all of my Kill Tony minutes. I think I've done like close to 320 of these things. And I was analyzing. Analyzing my stuff.

[Tripp Callahan]

Wow.

[Martin Phillips]

Doing a little.

[William Montgomery]

And then praying to God. People laugh when I put it together in a certain way.

[Dusty Slay]

I was gonna say that sounds like new comic advice. Listen to that song.

[William Montgomery]

Yes. My new comic. Seriously, if you're a comic who's thinking about getting into comedy, whatever, you're funny around your buddies at work, whatever, I think you should go for it and listen to Softer, softest when you're analyzing your joke.

[Martin Phillips]

Seriously, do you think you're ever gonna stop listening to Softer, Softer?

[William Montgomery]

I don't think

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William Montgomery has done it again. This episode brought to you by Shopify. Guys, how luck in this place. Get his first time on panel. Dusty Slay, everybody. What Heat is on Netflix. Make sure you watch it on Netflix.

[Martin Phillips]

He's on tour. Dusty Slay.com and his podcast is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're having a good time. Martin Phillips versus time on panel, everybody. The captain is in. Martin Phillips, comedy.com. he's on tour all over. The drawing from Ryan jbolt is in and it is indeed amazing.

[Martin Phillips]

He's drawn. Oh, just the last 700 episodes or so, whichever the guests are. Let's see what Chris Rogers, the live Austin artist, drew doing this. Oh, Mark Norman. Look at that. Shout outs to our old friend Mark

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Norman, who was on panel during the New York City Madison Square Garden episode, which if you haven't and you should and you must go watch that on Netflix. And yeah, red band.

[Red Band]

Check out my fake band, Cat Bread 7 on YouTube, Spotify and Apple Music.

[Chris Celio]

Love you guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is a fake band indeed. Listen to it there. That is. It is something else. A new passion project, if you will. And shout out to Shopify. Thank you for sponsoring this episode and thank you to you. The live audience that makes it all possible. We love you guys.

[Martin Phillips]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good night, everybody.

[Martin Phillips]

The Sunset Strip Comedy club in Austin, Texas, is now over.

[Dusty Slay]

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

[Martin Phillips]

Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

[Jim Tally]

It.