#682 - MADISON SQUARE GARDEN (NIGHT TWO)

Summary

Kill Tony #682 – Madison Square Garden (Night Two)

Date: September 14, 2024
Location: Madison Square Garden, New York City
Hosts: Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban
Special Guests/Panellists: Dave Attell, Dave Chappelle, Jim Norton, Sal Vulcano, Joe DeRosa, Harlan Williams, Jeffrey Ross, Brian Holtzman, Pauly Shore, Ari Shaffir, Ari Mati, Andrew Dice Clay
Special Appearances (Impressions): “Donald Trump,” “Joe Biden”

---

Episode Overview

This historic episode captures the wild, unpredictable, and electric spectacle as Kill Tony returns for a second sold-out night at Madison Square Garden. A rotating panel of legendary comedians, classic Kill Tony regulars, up-and-coming audience “bucket pulls,” and star-making legends bucket all combine for a marathon evening of roasting, riffing, heartfelt reflection, and unfiltered comedy. It’s a celebration of stand-up, the chaos of live performance, and the bold unpredictability for which Kill Tony is known.

---

Key Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Monumental Atmosphere & Opening Banter (00:36–04:43)

• Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban set the tone, hyping up the historic sell-out and introducing the “best damn band in the land.”
• Tony (02:28): “Un-fucking-believable. This has been the most magical weekend of our entire lives and we’re going to put a big ribbon on it tonight.”
• Announces Dave Attell and Dave Chappelle as legendary guests, with the panel soon joined by impressions of Joe Biden and Donald Trump.

---

2. Wild Presidential Roasting Segment (04:18–12:26)

Featuring: Dave Chappelle, "Joe Biden", "Donald Trump"

• Dave Chappelle riffs on Tony selling out MSG twice:
  • “Not only has he played it, he’s played it twice, totally sold out… You made that happen, Tony. I owe you a blowjob.” (04:20)
• “Joe Biden” enters in a haze, boasting:
  • “I might have stepped down, Tony, but I’m stepping up to the streets like Jackie Chan in Mortal Kombat.” (06:39)
  • The crowd repeatedly chants “Four more years!” as “Biden” launches into increasingly deranged rants.
• “Donald Trump” joins (11:01), criticizes the city:
  • “Now there’s a crisis because the homeless are white. Do you believe what’s happening?” (11:36)
• Rapid-fire comedians and panelists roast each other and the “Presidents”—the audience is electric.

---

3. First Comedian Sets: Legends, Regulars, Bucket Pullees

William Montgomery (14:36–19:09)

• Legend’s Bucket
• Absurd and dark one-liners about Delta Airlines, Kamala Harris, killing vagrants, and breaking out of Rikers.
  • “Kamala Harris is so bad at fake laughing, I thought she was at one of my shows.” (14:58)
• Roasted by fake Presidents:
  • “William, you look like a carpenter on Epstein Island.” – Joe Biden (17:22)
  • “You look like if Tom Hanks fucked the volleyball in Castaway.” – Joe Biden (17:43)
• Montgomery’s aggressive energy sets the night’s chaotic tone.

Michael Palumbo (19:54–23:43) – Bucket Pull

• Up-and-coming beatboxer and comic
• Jokes about beatboxing, being in neuroscience school, missing a tooth
  • “Nothing better than a neuroscientist missing a tooth.” – Tony (21:58)
  • “Work with special needs kids. That’s what you call whacking off, isn’t it?” – Trump (22:59)
• Light riffing on Catholic upbringing and tooth gap

Harlan Williams (24:25–26:55) – Legends Bucket

• Delivers trademark absurdist “murdered my parents” bit, hockey and canoe paddle humor.
• Invited to join the panel after big laughs and audience enthusiasm.

Ray Robinson (27:31–33:47) – Bucket Pull

• Standout set on NYC addiction, “12 people, one blunt” riff.
  • “Worst part about that whole case was I got out my car, took a dollar out and started smoking with them—12 people on one blunt.” (28:04)
• Hilarious real-time height measurement bit: he claims 6’3”, is revealed to be barely 6’1”.
  • “Did we just really measure a person of color?” – Chappelle (33:32)

Aaron Belial (34:07–38:58) – Golden Ticket Winner

• AGT finalist with ALS, performs via phone.
• Jokes on life as a disabled comic, gender reveal, and Kamala Harris impression.
  • “I admire Trump. One day, I hope I have the chutzpah to cheat on my wife at my golf club with my floppy orange cock.” (37:39)
• Roasted by Trump: “Crumpled and liberal. What a Canadian disaster you are.” (37:50)

Joe DeRosa (39:34–42:45) – Legends Bucket

• Birthday set features absurd observations about fake plants and a riff on NYC’s real Chinatown.
  • “Plants are the only living thing you can buy a fake version of and not look like a fucking psychopath… You can't have a plastic boy in the corner of your office.” (40:46)
• Edgy tag: “Black people racism is our jazz. We just want you to listen to it.” (41:14)

---

4. Marathon of Comics – Panel Rotates, Riffs Continue

Brian Oyola (43:09–49:34) – Bucket Pull

• Self-deprecates about depression-related weight loss, hilarious “shortcut” to Taco Bell on Google Maps.
• Reveals job is testing emergency responder software; describes quirky relationship dynamics and mental hospital roommate.

Martin Phillips (50:08–54:53) – Golden Ticket Winner

• Jokes about urinals, wheelchair rugby, and atheist funerals.
  • “I went to a funeral and the guy in there, sadly, was an atheist… Guess not. Or he’s in a better place. Guess not. So I just—The End.” (51:20)
• Races “Joe Biden” onstage (funny moment), followed by cerebral palsy and vibrator talk.

Jim Norton (55:46–59:50) – Legends Bucket

• Riff on Nirvana’s infamous cover baby: “Now I’m aggressively advocating for more visible baby dicks.”
• Story of being tricked into marriage by a “pregnant” transgender wife: “Now my wife’s penis—which I realize sounds like the title of a progressive children’s book…”

---

5. Electric Crowd, Panelists, and Standout Bits (Select Highlights)

Ari Shaffir (67:07–71:41) – Chaotic Interruption

• Legendary for dropping his pants onstage; Tony pleads not to, due to a $100,000 fine from MSG.
• Ari ignores, “there’s dicks flying everywhere” (70:35), crowd erupts.
  • “That’s the fastest transitioning I’ve ever seen in my life. That was like a drive through transition right there.” (71:28)

Ari Mati (73:25–78:45) – Regular Sets

• Kills with “Chubby chaser / fat girls” set:
  • “You can never put too much syrup on a pancake…” (75:12)
  • Roasted for being Estonian, fielding riffing from Trump and Biden.

Sal Vulcano (85:17–89:49) – Legends Bucket

• Strong “are you gay” and last meal monologue:
  • “You’re about to be put down for what you did, but we’re great people. So if you fancy a bite to nosh, give a holla.” (87:01)
• Crowd loves his self-awareness and energy.

Cam Patterson (104:55–106:51) – Regulars

• Subversive abortion bit:
  • “I wanted to kill that nigga so bad... He looked just like me. That little baby is my pride and joy...” then flips: "That baby, he dead as dog. I'm done." (106:38)
• Catches the panel off guard, triggers a debate between “Trump” and “Biden” on abortion.

Joey Diaz (139:47–141:31) – Unscheduled Drop-In

• Brings signature New York energy:
  • “We’re gonna bring New York to what it was... One time, I had so many Quaaludes in me, they put me in the handicap section.” (140:10)
• The New York crowd meets a true NYC legend.

---

6. Unfiltered, Edgy Climaxes & Panel Roasting

David Lucas (133:30–137:30) – Regular

• No-holds-barred set on racism, masculinity, guns.
  • “What’s scarier? A redneck in a pillowcase, or a 6’4” fag with a hard dick? Like, if Lebron James wanted to fuck you, what are you gonna do about it?” (134:03)
• Battle-roasts Biden, Trump, Chappelle, and the crowd.

Brian Holtzman (120:02–128:47) – Legend’s Bucket

• Rants against Billy Joel, women’s sports, and recycling; rapid-fire, reckless, and exhilarating.
  • “Do we really need women’s basketball? It’s like buying an air freshener for a convertible.”

---

7. Audience Standouts & Notable Moments

• Ray Robinson’s Height Exposure: Measured onstage to be 6'1" after repeatedly claiming 6'3", leading to much crowd and panel riffing. (32:47–33:47)
• Sid Claypool’s First Set Ever: Former heroin addict, wild night story, fake name for protection due to day job (61:33–65:35)
• Alexa Cimino: First woman to perform in MSG Kill Tony shows, jokes about “Anthony Bourdain of dick,” “uncircumcised as built-in condom.”
• Andrew Dice Clay Reads Dirty Nursery Rhymes
  • “Hickory dickory dock, this chick was sucking my... the clock struck two, I dropped my goo, I jumped the bitch on the next block...” (91:23)

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dave Chappelle (04:20): “Not only has he played it, he’s played it twice, totally sold out… You made that happen, Tony. I owe you a blowjob.”
• “Joe Biden” (06:39): “I might have stepped down, Tony, but I’m stepping up to the streets like Jackie Chan in Mortal Kombat.”
• “Donald Trump” (11:36): “Now there’s a crisis because the homeless are white. Do you believe what’s happening?”
• Ray Robinson Height Check (33:11): “Six one, ladies and gentlemen.” — Brian Redban
• Ari Shaffir Chaos (70:35): “There’s dicks flying everywhere.” — Tony Hinchcliffe
• Jim Norton (57:16): “Now I’m aggressively advocating for more visible baby dicks.”
• David Lucas (134:03): “What’s scarier? A redneck in a pillowcase or a 6’4’’ fag with a hard dick?”
• Brian Holtzman (120:23): “I give abortions in my garage on the weekend. If you see that kid coming off the bus with a coat hanger hanging out of his sleeve, that’s my work.”
• Tony Hinchcliffe (130:38): “We’re running in overtime. I had to get the show over quickly. I’m gonna send you on your way. There he goes, the great [Hans Kim]…”

---

Timestamps of Important Segments

• 00:36–04:43: Intro, band welcome, energy set
• 04:18–12:26: Presidential cameo/roast segment (Trump, Biden, Chappelle)
• 14:36–19:09: William Montgomery legend bucket set
• 19:54–23:43: Michael Palumbo (beatboxing, tooth jokes)
• 24:25–26:55: Harlan Williams, murder & family bits
• 27:31–33:47: Ray Robinson, crackhead math/height exposure
• 34:07–38:58: Aaron Belial, disabled comic, biting Canadian wit
• 39:34–42:45: Joe DeRosa, Chinatown, racism riff
• 43:09–49:34: Brian Oyola, depression/psychiatric roommate
• 50:08–54:53: Martin Phillips, cerebral palsy, Biden “race”
• 55:46–59:50: Jim Norton, Nirvana/Jim’s “wife’s penis”
• 67:07–71:41: Ari Shaffir’s infamous disruption/flashing
• 73:25–78:45: Ari Mati, “chubby chaser”/fat women bit
• 85:17–89:49: Sal Vulcano, “am I gay”/last meal bit
• 104:55–106:51: Cam Patterson, abortion twist
• 120:02–128:47: Brian Holtzman’s nuclear rant
• 133:30–137:30: David Lucas, fearless roasting/set

---

Closing

The show ends with a wild rapid-fire finale: bucket pulls, legendary drop-ins (Pauly Shore, Joey Diaz, Andrew Dice Clay), musical mayhem, and a barrage of inside jokes and roasts.
Tony thanks and shouts out an endless number of comedy heroes and contributors, cementing the episode as both a celebration of stand-up’s possibilities and a time capsule of the wildest, least filtered live podcast comedy in America.

Final notes from Tony (143:44):
“We did it. Comedy history. We love you. Maybe we’ll do it again next year, huh?”

---

For Newcomers:

If you love no-rules comedy, live chaos, and a hall of fame of the world’s best comics unfiltered, this two-plus hour episode is a must-listen. Even if the jokes are sometimes brutal or controversial, there’s a wild sense of celebration and freedom at the heart of the show.

---

For individual sets and panelist remarks, use timestamps above to jump to key moments. This episode captures the essence of what makes Kill Tony unique: unrestrained, unrepentant, live comedy history.

Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Red band and you're

[Death Squad Network Announcer]

listening to the Death Squad podcast network.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This episode of Kill Tony and every

[Death Squad Network Announcer]

episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV and now on

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Spotify and Apple podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to tonyhinchcliff.com everything Golden

[Death Squad Network Announcer]

Pony, including his tour dates at tonyhinchcliffe.com if you want to check out the Sunset strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to Death Squad tv.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[Brian Redband]

Hey, this is Red band coming live from Madison Square Garden here in New York City for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[David Attell]

Get up at Tony Hinchcliffe.

[Brian Redband]

I've said it many times before, but tonight I mean it. Who's ready for the best night of their lives? And here we go. What the fuck is up Madison Square Garden?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some noise for my partner in crime, Brian Redband. How about one more time for the Black Keys? And of course the best damn band in the land. We got Burrow horns, Jet Ski, Jesse

[Brian Redband]

Johnson, Michael Gonzalez, Marcus King John de.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And the great D Madness. On the bass guitar, ladies and gentlemen, Matt Muhling. I didn't say it. I think I said it. Okay, Matt Muhling. Triple shout out Matt Muhling. How about one more time for D Madness? Let him hear you, everybody and the man that puts it all together. One more time for John D's people.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

Un.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fucking believable. This has been the most magical weekend of our entire lives and we're going to put a big ribbon on it tonight. I promise you from the bottom of my cold black heart. This was the first show that sold out. We were shocked watching it go in a few hours. You guys are truly the best comedy fans in the world. And I have this thing stocked bonkers for you here tonight. Before we start, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Ladies and gentlemen, I get to introduce your guest for the night. A New York fucking icon, Truly one of the best comedians of all time, one of our favorite guests of all time, the king of New York City. Make some noise for the great and powerful Davitel.

[Brian Redband]

Oh my God, here we go. The man, the myth, the New York fucking legend. Every night. Tony. Tony, you set?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make it louder. Can you hear me? Louder on two.

[Dave Chappelle]

Hello? Okay, good.

[Donald Trump]

I guess you got the.

[Dave Chappelle]

You got the same sound guy from the debates. I gotta say one thing about my man Tony here. He said he was gonna play the Garden. I Said never. Not only has he played it, he's played it twice. Totally sold out. You made that happen, Tony. I owe you a blowjob.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. I love it. What a fucking honor to have you here, Dave. I'm so pumped to have you. And you know what? Why don't we add one more person to this pan? Even though we could do it with Dave very easily. I'd like to introduce a man who made his Kill Tony debut only this year. He's only been on the panel one time before, you know, I mean, what can I say about him? He's got a lot of free time on his hands. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce. This is pretty crazy, but this is Madison Square Garden, so I'm going to do it anyway. I would like to introduce to you the current President of the United States of America.

[Brian Redband]

This is Joe Biden.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Joe, over here. You're sitting with us tonight. He's a little confused.

[Brian Redband]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, he's back.

[Brian Redband]

Joe Biden.

[Joe Biden]

Oh, baby. America, how are we feeling? America. America. Us. Usa. Usa. Usa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's back here.

[Joe Biden]

Let's get a beer. I might have stepped down, Tony, but I'm stepping up to the streets like Jackie Chan and Mortal Kombat. Come on, I'm sitting up here at a legend right now. I got David Tell, I got Dave Chappelle, I got. I got David Dell.

[Brian Redband]

Hello?

[Joe Biden]

Is it me?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on.

[Joe Biden]

Got Kim Cattrall up here, Sex in the City, a couple of gals getting some drinks, getting our kinks looking for twinks. You know what it is? We're going to Jumanji tonight. We'll go up, down, ab, left, right, select, start.

[Brian Redband]

But up.

[Joe Biden]

You're loving it. Come on. You know what it is? Get two birds with one stone. Kill two girls with one cub. We're living la vida loca.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Still got it. Joe Biden is here, ladies and gentlemen.

[Dave Chappelle]

Awesome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dave, what do you think about sitting next to the president?

[Dave Chappelle]

I think the press can go all night. His diaper's half empty, not half full.

[Joe Biden]

I like this guy. Aren't you the garbage man from Sesame Street?

[Dave Chappelle]

Four more days.

[Joe Biden]

Say that to my face.

[David Attell]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Joe, how you been spending your free time? What you been doing with all the extra time on your hands?

[Joe Biden]

All right, well, I went down. Hey, here's the deal. I went to Little Caesars last night. Oh, that's some crazy bread. Nothing crazy about it, Tony. Regular bread. I saw David Lucas here. That's. That's. That's all that story is. He was getting a Pizza. He's a fat guy.

[David Lucas]

Come on.

[Joe Biden]

No. I've been taking it easy. I've been trying to. Trying to fill up my day with hobbies and sudoku. I'm trying to make sure everybody knows what I'm doing right now. But guess what, Tony? Even though I'm not. I'm not going to be president anymore, I'm still gonna do it. I still feel like I got it in me to go four more years. I feel like it. I feel like just because I stepped down. Oh, suck my dick. Oh, suck my dick and lick my dick. You're a sucker. You're a sucker. You're a sucker. I'll tell you this much, Tony. I got. I got a lot. You shut the up, you.

[Brian Redband]

Oh.

[Joe Biden]

I'm telling you this much. I feel good. I went to Curves last night. I did two sit ups. I got a membership to 38 Hour Fitness. Come on. All right. I hugged two gay guys last night. We're doing it. I feel like a black guy in the Olympics. I'm gonna do it for my country. I got four more years in me. Here we go. Stay with me.

[Brian Redband]

Four more years. Four more years. Four more years. Four more years.

[Joe Biden]

Come on. Four more years. Hit me. Four more. You hear me, Michael?

[Ray Robinson]

Come on.

[Brian Redband]

Four more years. Four more years.

[Joe Biden]

Eight more beers. Five more deers. You know what it is? Come on, we can do it. We can do it if we want to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Maybe if you try a little harder, maybe you'll be able to convince God.

[Joe Biden]

You know what it is? Say it with me. 20 more years. 80 more years. Come on.

[Brian Redband]

80 more years.

[Joe Biden]

15 more years. I got one Mexican girl standing up doing it. Why can't the rest of you do it? Now she's on a pogo stick. Look at those titties bounce. Come on. Come on. Do it for her titties.

[Brian Redband]

Come on.

[Joe Biden]

Eight more tits. Eight more tits.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bring them up.

[Joe Biden]

Ten more years. The is that all about?

[Dave Chappelle]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh. Oh, my God.

[Brian Redband]

Oh, my God. He's back. Donald fucking trump is here.

[Andrew Parker]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Brian Redband]

Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, they're back. Donald Trump. You can cut the music. Hell yeah. It's amazing.

[Brian Redband]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome back, Mr. President.

[Ari Mati]

Tony.

[Donald Trump]

It's so good to be here. Back in. Back here in New York City. What a city. What a beautiful city. What an absolute disaster this city has become. White homeless. Do you believe it? White homeless. When I lived here, there were black homeless and nobody cared. Everybody said, that's fine. Now there's a crisis because the homeless are white. Do you Believe what's happening.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Donald Trump is here, Joe Biden is here, and the king of New York, Davitel is here.

[Joe Biden]

God, Tony. Who just shit my pants again?

[Dave Chappelle]

What a smackdown. Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is unbelievable. And we might as well get to a comedian. As you guys know, there's a bucket here filled with over 300 comedians. Name. If they get pulled out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up. When you hear the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. They have to wrap it up then. I interview them. They talk to our esteemed panel. We find out more about them. These people are performing live at Madison Square Garden, assuredly for the first time in their lives. We have a bunch of regulars, a bunch of golden ticket winners, and we've also added only in the show's history for Madison Square Garden, a special legends bucket. There is a plethora of unbelievable comedians that are gracing us with a little bit of their ridiculously awesome material that they're way overqualified to do on a big crazy show like this. And we're honored to have them standing by ready to shock us and surprise us and grace us with their presence. Let's get the show started with a bang. We are starting the show in a very special way because we are starting with the closer. Ladies and gentlemen, to do the first set here tonight, I'd like to present to you the hall of famer with the most appearances in the history of the show. The most interviews in the history of the show. This is the Memphis Strangler.

[Brian Redband]

The vanilla gorilla. The big red machine. William Montgome.

[William Montgomery]

Delta Airlines says to promote gender diversity, they're going to quit using the phrase ladies and gentlemen during gate announcements. Hey, Delta, here's a suggestion. Stop worrying about my dick and start worrying about my fucking flight being five hours late.

[David Attell]

The fuck is going on? Delta.

[William Montgomery]

Kamala Harris might become the first Indian American president. And Elizabeth Warren is like, it could have been me. Kamala Harris is so bad at fake laughing, I thought she was at one of my shows. So take these Broken wings. That's the pickup line I used to use on angels that had fallen from heaven. Die hard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's called rigor mortis.

[William Montgomery]

Okay, that's probably my best joke.

[David Attell]

That's my time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, William Montgomery. Getting things started tonight. Always so fun. Amazing stuff.

[William Montgomery]

So nice to be here, Tony. I actually ended up going to the White Castle on 103rd last night, and I ended up getting into it with three vagrants and I literally killed three homeless people last night.

[Brian Redband]

And I don't give a fuck no more.

[David Attell]

I'm dying of skin cancer.

[William Montgomery]

But, yeah, no, I literally killed three fucking vagrants outside of White Castle last night. And then they threw me in Rikers Island. But, yeah, I was able to escape from Rikers earlier. So, so nice to be here. Thanks for getting me on the show tonight, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's why you're wearing a prison outfit?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, I killed three people. It was a Puerto Rican lady, a black guy and a Chinese woman.

[Joe Biden]

And Mary, Fuck Kill.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, Mary Fuck kill. Probably Mary. The black person killed a Puerto Rican. And Mary. What was the last one?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, neither do I. Sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[William Montgomery]

But so nice to be here, Tony. I'm sweating like a motherfucker up here, but it is so nice to be here. Trump and Biden, so nice to see y' all tonight.

[Donald Trump]

It's great to see you. And what a performance from this guy. We love this guy. What he said about Kamala was so true. She'd be a disastrous pig. That's what she would be. What a loser she is. She should be a bucket pool. She could come up here and we could make fun of her being a pig.

[Joe Biden]

William, you look like a carpenter on Epstein Island.

[Donald Trump]

I was never there.

[Joe Biden]

Prove it. Show me your penis.

[William Montgomery]

Wait. And although you. What do you mean I look like a carpenter from Epstein Island? What the fuck are you talking about, Mr. President? I mean, are you fucking serious?

[Joe Biden]

You look like if Tom Hanks fucked the volleyball and cast away.

[William Montgomery]

Okay, that was pretty good. Okay.

[Andrew Parker]

Fuck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've seen William before, right? Dave.

[Dave Chappelle]

I sure he sold me some fentanyl on the way in.

[William Montgomery]

Yes, Yes. I will be out front selling fentanyl after the show. Actually overdosed my brother last night. So my mom's flying in tonight. The whole family's getting in tonight. But, yeah, really exciting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When did she give in? Amazing.

[William Montgomery]

Why did you ask that, you fat piece of shit? You look as nasty as ever. I thought maybe in Madison Square Gardens you'd look a little better, but you look as nasty as ever, dumbass. So don't say anything to me, you fucking idiot. Seriously.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just want to know what time your mom gets here.

[David Attell]

Wanna know what time your mom gets here?

[Ray Robinson]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now?

[Donald Trump]

That's how you talk to an opponent. You strike them down immediately. He tried to talk to you. You said you're a fat pig.

[David Attell]

Yeah.

[Donald Trump]

What a guy. This guy's great. You should be my vp.

[William Montgomery]

I think about It.

[Brian Redband]

I would love to run.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, let's think about it.

[Donald Trump]

Have you ever a couch?

[William Montgomery]

I actually have. I do it every week. I actually do. There's nothing wrong with that at all, but I agree.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. It could happen. William. William, you're amazing. What a great way to get the fucking show started.

[William Montgomery]

So nice to be here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Congratulations on breaking out of prison.

[William Montgomery]

So nice to be here.

[David Attell]

Thank you.

[Joe Biden]

You're a true American.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're gonna get to our first bucket pool of the night. This guy was actually pulled last night, and we ran out of time, so we had to cut it short. So this guy's had 22 hours to think about performing in Madison Square Garden. There's the lovely he, signifying indeed that this is bucket pull number one. Your first comedian. We're gonna meet them all together. Doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight. Goes by the name of Michael Palumbo. Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Palumbo. And here we go. Here's Michael. Everybody make some noise for Michael.

[Michael Palumbo]

I like to beatbox. Being a beatboxer is weird. It's kind of like being a Civil War reenactor. Because your friends are happy you have a hobby, but no one wants to see it in person. One of my friends told me, he was like, I like it when you beatbox. It cheers me up. You should do it for other people to cheer them up. I was like, I don't know if that's how it works, you know, like, my other friend is gonna be like, dude, Sarah broke up with me. I'm gonna be like, bro, that's terrible.

[Ray Robinson]

Bearable.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And she cheated on you with three other dudes.

[Ray Robinson]

Thank you.

[Michael Palumbo]

They were all black gun. Can you imagine doctors giving terrible news like that? You know, like, Mrs. Smith, your husband has cancer.

[Interjection / Audience]

It's terminal,

[Michael Palumbo]

and we don't take insurance. All right, thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Michael Palumbo.

[Dave Chappelle]

That was awesome.

[Michael Palumbo]

How's it going?

[Joe Biden]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome to the show. Michael, how long have you been doing stand up?

[Michael Palumbo]

Two years next month.

[Dave Chappelle]

Nice years.

[Michael Palumbo]

Thanks for having me.

[Dave Chappelle]

He brought it. That's for sure.

[Sal Volcano]

What do you think?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's amazing. You have.

[Michael Palumbo]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have, like, a weird baby head on a man's body.

[Michael Palumbo]

Appreciate that.

[Dave Chappelle]

It's a real make a wish.

[Michael Palumbo]

Thanks. I got more to grow, you know, more growing to do. We'll see if I get there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old are you?

[Michael Palumbo]

I'm 20.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. Awesome.

[Michael Palumbo]

Oh, that's loud.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Michael Palumbo]

Threw me off.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

Dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's crazy.

[Joe Biden]

What are you doing at 20 years old? What are you doing for America? At 20?

[Donald Trump]

What are you doing?

[Michael Palumbo]

Sucking resources. Going to school. You know, that type of thing.

[Joe Biden]

Going to school for what?

[Michael Palumbo]

I was going to school for neuroscience for a while, but.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you missing a tooth? I am.

[Michael Palumbo]

I'm missing a tooth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nothing better than a neuroscientist missing a tooth.

[Michael Palumbo]

Yeah, yeah. That's why I went into it. I wanted to see if I could fix it.

[Donald Trump]

You know, it seems like you wanted to beatbox more than you wanted to do stand up.

[Michael Palumbo]

It's a lot more fun with the beatboxing. It's pretty fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is it?

[Joe Biden]

Yeah. That's like getting a prostitute and she just wants to show you her art. It's like, suck my dick. Come on.

[Brian Redband]

Wow.

[Michael Palumbo]

It does help with the beatboxing. Like, it's, you know, creates more sounds.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah, yeah, yeah. Wow. I'm surprised there's not more white trash beatboxes. Amazing. What do you do for work, Michael?

[Michael Palumbo]

I go to school. I work at customer service centers and I've worked with special needs kids before.

[Dave Chappelle]

Nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Are the special needs kids in a mirror?

[Donald Trump]

Work with special needs kids. That's what you call whacking off, isn't it?

[Michael Palumbo]

Yeah, it's helpful. It's helpful.

[Dave Chappelle]

You know, Mike, where you from, buddy?

[Michael Palumbo]

Jersey, Right across the river.

[Dave Chappelle]

First time.

[Michael Palumbo]

First time here?

[Dave Chappelle]

No, first time being groomed.

[Michael Palumbo]

I mean, I grew up in the Catholic church, so. Oh, my bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sorry, sorry.

[Joe Biden]

All right, who was your favorite?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I bet a priest loves fucking that little hole in your tooth, huh?

[Dave Chappelle]

There you go.

[David Attell]

Oh, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Extra tight. Michael, congratulations. You just performed in Madison Square Garden.

[Ray Robinson]

You got.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here's a big joke book. Michael Palumbo. We're going to keep it moving along

[Donald Trump]

all the way from Jersey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And so it has begun. Yes, the rare tooth missing Jersey resident.

[Dave Chappelle]

One day he'll be a doctor.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, we're having fun. We've had a regular up. We've had a bucket pool. Let's go to the legends bucket for the first time tonight, huh? Wow. Very exciting, ladies and gentlemen. This guy, I mean, what can I say? He's an instant legend on this show. A front runner for guest of the year 2024. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for a kill. Tony Icon.

[Brian Redband]

This is the return of Harland Williams.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

Thank you, Tony. This is. I hope you'll indulge me for a minute. This is a very emotional, emotional night for me here tonight, gang. I think most of you know that when I was 12 years old, I murdered my parents. And what sparked it was we were out in the garage one day, I Was with my mom and my dad. We were a hockey family. I caught my dad making love to my mother wearing goalie pads. And we're out in the garage, 12 years old. I said to my parents, I want to be a stand up comedian. And my dad just looked at me mockingly and he said, what are you talking about, you idiot? What do you think, you're going to play a soul out in Madison Square Gardens one day? That's when I took the goalie stick and beat his brains in. We were a canoe family. My dad had a collection of canoe paddles hanging on the wall. We had one from Cambodia, from the Nantatuck region down by the Mugang River. And I grabbed that Korean fucking Mongolian, fucking Chuck E. Cheese canoe paddle. And I beat the life out of my mother. And guess what? Here I am at a sold out Madison Square Gardens. Yes. Give a hand to the retard. Give a hand to the retard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Harlan, you're an absolute monster front runner for guests of the year. How many of you guys think Harlan should stick around? Join the panel with us tonight, huh? Let's get a stool up here, a mic.

[Jeffrey Ross]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Joining this crazy panel, truly one of the greatest. One more time for Harlan Williams, ladies and gentlemen. He's with us live in the flesh. And we keep it moving along. I present to you, bucket pool number two, ladies and gentlemen. We're gonna meet them all together. This is 60 seconds uninterrupted from Ray Robinson. Here we go, Ray Robin. Oh, big pop from the comedian section. One more time for Ray Robinson.

[Ray Robinson]

What is up? What is up? What the heck is up, New York? Make some noise. That's a lot of fucking noise. There's so many of you. Holy shit. I don't know if this is real or I'm still blacked out on the metro north, But I'm glad to be here. Yeah, I'm an addict. Make some noise for addiction.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah, we gonna get fucked up after this.

[Ray Robinson]

Yeah, but I think the addiction getting out of hand. Like, I was driving down the Bronx the other day and I seen 11 people smoking one blunt. Do you know how insane that is for 11 motherfuckers to be on one blunt? 11 people on one blunt mean I have 11 people. Only 10 had a dollar and the last motherfucker didn't have shit but roll up and they still let his ass smoke. Worst part about that whole case was I got out my car, took a dollar out and started smoking with them niggas. It was 12 people on one blunt. Ain't no one got high. We barely got a centimeter. Little math crackhead joke. You guys got to pay attention. You got that, Biden? Thank you for your time, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There it is, the Kill Tony debut of Ray Robinson. Ray, welcome to the show. How are you? Grab the mic there. How long have you been doing Sando?

[Michael Palumbo]

Eight years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Eight years. All of it here in New York,

[Ray Robinson]

New York, Connecticut, D.C. okay.

[Dave Chappelle]

Nice.

[Ray Robinson]

Yeah. A lot of New England, huh?

[Tom Alfano]

Yeah.

[Donald Trump]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for a living?

[Ray Robinson]

Unemployed.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah. Give me a dollar.

[Donald Trump]

And that is a problem. There is very high unemployment amongst the.

[Ray Robinson]

The what? The tall?

[Joe Biden]

Go ahead, say it.

[Donald Trump]

The blacks. The blacks. Get back to work. We're gonna get them working again. Remember when they worked? Sometimes they work for.

[Joe Biden]

We got him working. We got him working. We got him working. You can get a job tonight. We can get you a job at Radio Shack tonight. What are you doing?

[Ray Robinson]

All right, let's do it. Let's do it. I know Radio is going to have one. Can I take one home?

[Joe Biden]

You're already fired for stealing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I asked, all right?

[Ray Robinson]

I'm not voting for either you guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dave, you're a big supporter of the young.

[Donald Trump]

Let's not pretend you were gonna vote.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Joe Biden]

We all know you can't read.

[Ray Robinson]

Damn, Biden.

[Brian Redband]

What the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We even.

[Joe Biden]

That felt too harsh when it came out of my mouth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thanks for coming out, Dave, what do you think?

[Ray Robinson]

Thanks for having me, I guess. Any more black jokes? Anybody else?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, we got a lot more right here. You don't need them. All right, we got them.

[Dave Chappelle]

So what was the other choice of outfits? That's what I want to know.

[Ray Robinson]

Black shirt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dave Chappelle]

I didn't know you worked on a boat. I mean, really? Dude, how long you been doing it? Eight years.

[Ray Robinson]

Yeah.

[Dave Chappelle]

That's awesome, dude.

[Ray Robinson]

Thank you, though.

[Dave Chappelle]

Did you ever think you'd be playing through a crowd like this?

[Ray Robinson]

Yeah.

[Michael Palumbo]

100.

[Dave Chappelle]

You did.

[Joe Biden]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa.

[Ray Robinson]

A little quicker, though. But we made it.

[Dave Chappelle]

It's awesome, dude. Well, you know what? I like what you did. You came up there, you owned it. I love that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Appreciate you, dude.

[Dave Chappelle]

What do you think?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Yeah. I mean, great.

[Dave Chappelle]

You're. You're.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're doing it. You're living the dream. Look at that.

[Ray Robinson]

It's the reality right now.

[David Attell]

Holy.

[Ray Robinson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Still unemployed. It's gonna stay that way.

[Ray Robinson]

I got a job coming though. Radio Shack tonight.

[Joe Biden]

Well, in all seriousness, what are your top three skill sets?

[Sid Claypool]

Sense.

[Joe Biden]

Let's figure this out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on, hold on.

[Ray Robinson]

Basketball, running and stealing.

[Joe Biden]

Okay, so Lady Foot Locker.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on. When you say you have a job at Radio Shack tonight. What are you talking about?

[Ray Robinson]

This guy right here. You just put me on. Were you not?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I gotcha. Yeah.

[Brian Redband]

All right.

[Sid Claypool]

I got it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're doing a call back. Very good.

[Ray Robinson]

That's what they call it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Craziest thing about your life. That would surprise this about you.

[Ray Robinson]

I'm six three, six four in boots.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. You take great pride in your height.

[Ray Robinson]

I do. It's on my bio on Instagram.

[Dave Chappelle]

How about the ladies?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're there, yo.

[Ray Robinson]

Yeah, I'll be having some fun.

[Dave Chappelle]

Nice.

[Ray Robinson]

Yeah. Any other ladies? I'm always taking takers.

[Dave Chappelle]

Come on, guys. We're only blocks away from the Red Lobster. What do you think?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red man doesn't think you're safe. 6 3. Are you lying right now?

[Ray Robinson]

Shoulder to shoulder. Come here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Harlan, how tall are you?

[Audience Member / Interjection]

I'm six seven.

[Ray Robinson]

I'm definitely six five, then. Holy.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

Stand back to back.

[Ray Robinson]

Back to back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. How tall are you in real life, Harlan?

[Audience Member / Interjection]

Six two, my man.

[Ray Robinson]

I got an inch on him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know if he does. Does he?

[Ray Robinson]

All y' all get away from me. Harlan. That was grimy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do we have a measuring tape over there? Yoni? Anybody have a measuring tape?

[Audience Member / Interjection]

This guy feels real nice.

[Ray Robinson]

It's a good back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, it's in your bio. You mentioned it during your set. You mentioned it during the interview. How many you think we should measure him right now, huh? I will have to get my driver's license after this. Pure problem solver. Those shoes have a lot of lift in them. How many of you think he should take his shoes off real quick?

[Brian Redband]

Kick those shoes off, Yoni.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on, hold on.

[Ray Robinson]

My socks are pretty dirty. We doing this, guys?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you're doing it. You wanted to be Mr. Six Foot Three. That's your identity. We're gonna find out right now. Yoni's measuring.

[Ray Robinson]

I'm 100 confident.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are right. Those socks are completely up.

[Ray Robinson]

Oh, there's no holes in them, though. They're not completely. They're like hat off.

[Brian Redband]

Six one, ladies and gentlemen.

[Ray Robinson]

This does not leave the room.

[Brian Redband]

This does not leave the room, y'.

[Dave Chappelle]

All.

[Joe Biden]

Wow.

[Interjection / Audience]

Let's measure that.

[Brian Redband]

Tape measure.

[Ray Robinson]

Let's measure that. All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Brian Redband]

Who would have thought that a black

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

man would have to add a couple inches?

[Ray Robinson]

An unbelievable fib has very been very humbling. All right.

[Dave Chappelle]

Did we just really measure a person of color?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that what happened here? Absolutely.

[Dave Chappelle]

Is that even legal?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So the bidding will start at $28. All right, ladies and gentlemen, there he goes. Ray Robinson. Congratulations, Ray. Here you go.

[Dave Chappelle]

Awesome, Greg. Keep it up, buddy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes. Ray Robinson trying to keep us on schedule here tonight. We have a golden ticket winner, ladies and gentlemen. He was born and bred on this show. Hailing from Toronto, Canada, this is without a doubt, the Madison Square Garden debut

[Brian Redband]

and a dream come true for Aaron Belial.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. Originally from Toronto, Canada, Howie Mandel found him on Kill Tony, put him on America's Got Talent, and he made it all the way to the finals. And now he. He's back here, a new American citizen, Aaron Belial. My whole life, I was a man trapped in a woman's phone.

[Aaron Belial]

My gender reveal party, when my phone updated in 2022, was a banger. I didn't used to have this sexy voice. I used to sound like a real

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[Aaron Belial]

The still tries to interrupt me all the time while I'm on stage. Shut the upper. I've always been able to go in the wrong bathroom. Nobody says anything. They just look around for my mom. I got an argument one time with someone in the ladies room about who belonged in there. It turned out neither of us did. I was gonna join the Olympics as a woman, but there is no way I'm gonna beat all those other guys.

[Dave Chappelle]

What a close.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Aaron Belial, without a doubt the first comedian without a voice to perform here at Madison Square Garden. A new American resident. How does it feel, Aaron? Oh. Oh, he's loading up something here.

[Aaron Belial]

I gotta be honest. I thought there would be more people here.

[Dave Chappelle]

It's worth the wait.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's filled, Aaron.

[Aaron Belial]

This is the only time in my life I've ever felt bad for skinny white people. How is everybody doing in the back?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Way to turn the less fortunate people against you.

[Dave Chappelle]

Wow. Was he doing it? I thought he was giving me directions. I really Turn left

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

now, Aaron.

[Donald Trump]

Let me say this. Aaron was totally healthy in 2020 and normal guy, big guy, great guy. And this disastrous administration has crumpled him up. Now he's crumpled.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A lot of people have been crumpled here.

[Donald Trump]

No more crumpling, please.

[Joe Biden]

I will take responsibility for that. We took some Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ooze and we dumped it on Aaron's head when he was sleeping.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Aaron, how do you feel about being here with all these greats?

[Aaron Belial]

Can you all shut up?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Slam boom.

[Aaron Belial]

I admire Trump. One day, I hope I have the chutzpah to cheat on my wife at my golf club with my floppy orange cock.

[Brian Redband]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Joe Biden]

Got him.

[Donald Trump]

Crumpled and liberal. What a Canadian disaster you are.

[Dave Chappelle]

Well, let's see how tall he is. Come on.

[Aaron Belial]

I've been practicing impressions again. And I have one more for you. This is my Kamala Harris.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Here's his Kamala Harris impression, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. Here it comes.

[Joe Biden]

Careful.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, yeah. Aaron, we love you. You're a monster. Watching your unbelievable fucking growth on this show is absolutely incredible. Oh, he's got one more thing.

[Aaron Belial]

Okay, okay. I'll give you the thanks you deserve. Thank you, Tony. I'm a big success because of you, Tony. I would never be in a stadium without you, Tony. I wouldn't be stressing out so bad. I have hemorrhoids without you, Tony. Crazy bitches wouldn't poke holes in my condoms without you, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you so much. Thank you for that ringing endorsement. Aaron Belial. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen. Golden ticket winner and thriving American.

[Dave Chappelle]

It's awesome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Aaron Belial, ladies and gentlemen. Aaron, take your cane. All right, ladies and gentlemen, we are in deed as is being signified, going to the Legends bucket. Oh, this is very, very exciting.

[Brian Redband]

This is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It actually happens to be this man's birthday, ladies and gentlemen. He is a true New Yorker. One of my favorite comedians in New York. A true brother of mine makes the noise for multiple time guests and fantastic comedian.

[Brian Redband]

It's his birthday. This is Joe derosa, everybody. New York, what's up?

[Death Squad Network Announcer]

Good to see all of you. Thank you. I. I just bought a house in Pennsylvania.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've been decorating.

[Death Squad Network Announcer]

Yeah, Fuck yeah. Boring state. All right. I've been decorating the house. I was gonna buy a fake plant. Plants are weird. Plants are the only living thing you can buy a fake version of and not look like a fucking psychopath.

[Dave Chappelle]

You know what I mean?

[Death Squad Network Announcer]

You can't have a plastic boy in the corner of your office. What? Oh, him? No, he's fake.

[Joe Biden]

I travel a lot.

[Death Squad Network Announcer]

I can't have a real one. You want this legal advice or not? I'll tell you what I miss about New York. Chinatown. I miss Chinatown. Chinatown and any other city means this. It means a couple of blocks where there's some paper lanterns and you go down and you eat an egg roll and you go, that was cute. In New York, Chinatown means they have recreated actual China in a 10 square block radius. And you can go down there, but you're gonna see some shit you wish you didn't. Is that guy selling blood? Oh, my God. And while we're on the subject of race. Black people, black people. Stop explaining racism to us. We're the racists. We get how it works. You're not teaching us anything we don't know. We wrote the book on it. We wrote several, actually. Black people racism is our jazz. We just want you to listen to it.

[Cam Patterson]

All right, I gotta go.

[David Attell]

Thank you.

[Brian Redband]

Fucking unbelievable.

[Dave Chappelle]

Happy birthday, JoJo.

[Brian Redband]

Make some noise for New York Zone. Joe DeRosa, everybody.

[Dave Chappelle]

Happy birthday, buddy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're gonna keep flying through it.

[Joe Biden]

One of my favorite.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

To the actual bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, representing section C, row 18, seat 1, this is the Kiltoni debut of Brian Oyola. Brian Oyola is next live around the world on Kale. Tony.

[Brian Oyola]

Wow. Msg, guys, you know, before I got into comedy, I had a little bit of a mental breakdown. You know, all I did was sleep. I stopped taking care of myself. I stopped eating. Believe it or not, you know, no one really talks about the positives of severe clinical depression. You know, I lost so much weight, my acne went away. My allergies, you know, they went away also. It's crazy. But then they put you on the meds, you gain the weight right back. And then a little bit more. If you can't notice. Yeah. You know you're fat when Google Maps makes Taco Bell. A shortcut on your phone. Yeah. It's right between home and work. The marvels of modern day technology. My girlfriend and I, you know, we always try and do weight competition, weight loss competitions, you know, to motivate each other. But they always turn into weight gain competitions. Who can gain the least amount of weight? I'm like, I swear, babe, I won. Only gained five pounds this summer. If only, if only. Nagging burned calories. Thanks, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Brian Ola, welcome to the show. Brian, Good to be here.

[Dave Chappelle]

Fantastic, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Donald Trump]

Now this is what's coming up through the border under this guy. And this isn't just one of them. He's a coyote. There's about three or four in there. A real pinata. He's going to break open and a family of five is going to come running out. He's a Mexican nesting doll. And they've got a lot of them coming right up here. I hope he's Mexican and not Indian. I could be wrong.

[Joe Biden]

This is one thing Donald and I agree on. Show us how many kids are in your pants right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Brian, are you Mexican?

[Brian Oyola]

I'm Puerto Rican and Ecuadorian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. What do you think about a Puerto Rican Ecuadorian? David, tell.

[Dave Chappelle]

Whoa, dude, I'm afraid to say the wrong word. He might grant a wish.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do? Oh, yeah, go ahead.

[Dave Chappelle]

I was gonna ask.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dude.

[Dave Chappelle]

So what do you do for work?

[Brian Oyola]

Dude, I test software. Primarily first responders.

[Dave Chappelle]

Wow.

[Brian Oyola]

The 911 agencies around the nation.

[Dave Chappelle]

I love it. Dude, that's great.

[Joe Biden]

It's a true American. Right there.

[Dave Chappelle]

You test the them. What do you just call in. And if they come? They pass.

[Brian Oyola]

Like, what happens if I don't do my job right? People lose their lives, so.

[Dave Chappelle]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Dave Chappelle]

Appreciate you doing that, buddy. Sorry with all the back and forth with the lady there. How's it going at home?

[Brian Oyola]

It's good. She's out here, actually.

[Dave Chappelle]

You think so? You know,

[Brian Oyola]

I actually have her inside my shirt.

[Joe Biden]

Oh, you should have said that earlier.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

Let me ask you this, my man. Do you and your lady do a lot of role playing?

[Brian Oyola]

She likes to.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

Looks like you like to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jelly. Role playing. Am I right?

[Audience Member / Interjection]

Roll down the hill. Playing is what I'm talking about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for fun? You have any hobbies, Brian?

[Brian Oyola]

Any hobbies besides comedy? I haven't. I haven't had fun in a while.

[Dave Chappelle]

I'll tell you what he doesn't do. He doesn't own an iron. That's for sure. You're coming to Madison Square Garden. That's what you're wearing.

[Brian Oyola]

This is a fat guy thing. If you sit down, it just creases. I can't do anything about it.

[Dave Chappelle]

This isn't family court, all right? The guy dressed up for Judge Judy. Here he is in Madison Square Garden.

[Brian Oyola]

Red band knows what I'm talking about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that is the biggest insult I've ever heard land on you. Okay, red band.

[Joe Biden]

You look like King Koopa's agent. You play video games?

[Brian Oyola]

I used to. Not anymore.

[Joe Biden]

What happened?

[Brian Redband]

What?

[Joe Biden]

What? What happened?

[Brian Oyola]

I'm too busy.

[Joe Biden]

With what?

[Brian Oyola]

Trying to make it.

[Joe Biden]

Make what?

[Brian Oyola]

Make it in this tough world.

[Joe Biden]

Make origami. Make what? Make what? Make pasta.

[Brian Oyola]

Make some rice and beans, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Joe Biden]

Okay, there you go. Your scrambled eggs are ready. That's good.

[Donald Trump]

That's good. Racism. We like that. You should have done that during your set. Be very racist in these people. People will love you. They will reward you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Brian. Anything else crazy we should know about your entire life before getting you out of here?

[Brian Oyola]

Oh, well, when I had my mental breakdown, you know, I spent a few weeks ruined with a paranoid schizophrenic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, that was pretty interesting. What was that like? Can you describe that for us? Like, what was the craziest thing that happened there?

[Brian Oyola]

Well, the guy, he slept 23 hours a day. And he'd mumble in his sleep things like, I'm gonna kill him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm gonna kill him.

[Joe Biden]

I told you not to tell anybody about that.

[Brian Oyola]

But you know, me and him, even though we never exchanged words, we had an unspoken understanding. Every breakfast, lunch, and dinner, I'd give him my shitty hospital food, and in return, he'd tell the voices to let me live another day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Wow. Absolutely incredible. This is one of the most psychotic bucket pulls in the show's history. This is amazing. I love it. But you feel good now?

[Brian Oyola]

Yeah, I'm doing great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They got you on, like, medicine or something?

[Brian Oyola]

I got off of it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[Brian Oyola]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's not all good, though, right? Yeah. What are you doing to replace what brings you great joy? What's the food that you really scarf down to make the pain go away?

[Brian Oyola]

Big chicken parmesan guy.

[Dave Chappelle]

Nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I had that for lunch today.

[Dave Chappelle]

Now you're talking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Dave Chappelle]

Now you're talking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, Brian, congratulations. You just performed at Madison Square Garden. Here's a big joke. Brian. Keep on keeping on oil.

[Dave Chappelle]

You are a true warrior, brother. Keep it going.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Time for another golden ticket winner. Ladies and gentlemen, you're about to witness History of is. Of course. These guys, this is their first time performing at a place like this. Perhaps one of the funniest golden ticket winners in the entire history of the show. This guy always kills it. Make some noise for the MSG debut of Martin Phillips.

[Brian Redband]

Wow. Oh.

[Sid Claypool]

Oh, man.

[Joe Biden]

Cool.

[Martin Phillips]

Nice.

[Dave Chappelle]

Cool.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Hey, what's up?

[Cam Patterson]

Okay,

[Martin Phillips]

wait, let me do that. That's the minute I went to pe and there's a work divider between the urinals. That's the worst. Now the guys can see me. Look at their dick. You know, I have to be discreet. There is. They have wheelchair rugby, which is crazy because that's how they ended up in the wheelchair. I went to a funeral and the guy in the sadly were atheists. And I don't care. I just don't know what to say. You know, I was gonna be like, oh, we'll see him again. Guess not. Or he's in a better place. Guess that. So I just. And said the end. Okay.

[Ray Robinson]

Thank you.

[Donald Trump]

Thank you.

[Brian Redband]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Boom. Another amazing set by Martin Phillips. I love it. Martin, how does it feel?

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, I, I, I can't use it in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In saying words. I love it.

[Martin Phillips]

Wait, we're just Cat. No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So cool.

[Dave Chappelle]

Yeah, dude. Coming all the way from Austin, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dave Chappelle]

Give it up for whoever sat next to him on the flight.

[Joe Biden]

You're very, very funny. Very funny. Jokes are tight. Punch lines are right there. You're the only guy, though, who's tougher to understand than me, but I love it. I love it. I. I got it all, though. I got it all. How. How old are you?

[Martin Phillips]

My birthday is in a few days. I'll be. Yes.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Joe Biden]

True American.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

34. In a few days.

[Joe Biden]

44.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

34.

[Martin Phillips]

34.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, 34.

[Dave Chappelle]

All right.

[Joe Biden]

What are you gonna do for your birthday?

[Martin Phillips]

Well, this is good enough for me.

[Dave Chappelle]

Well earned,

[Joe Biden]

Joe.

[Dave Chappelle]

I knew you'd like him since you both have the same fear. Stairs.

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, coming up here. Oh, God. Coming down.

[Brian Oyola]

Oh.

[Joe Biden]

It was tough, right, Challenging us?

[Brian Redband]

Oh, geez.

[Joe Biden]

Yeah. You want to race someday?

[Martin Phillips]

I think I could beat you. I think I could beat you.

[Joe Biden]

Let's do it right now. You piece of.

[Donald Trump]

Of course you're gonna beat him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Are you guys having a race? Oh, my God. Oh, they're figuring it out. That's how crazy this show is. You're about to watch the President of the United States race a man with full blown cerebral palsy. Ladies and gentlemen, this is is what he paid the big bucks for. Shout out to Ticketmaster Platinum. And here we go.

[Brian Redband]

One more, two, three, go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Brian Redband]

Wow.

[Donald Trump]

Martin.

[David Lucas]

Martin.

[Donald Trump]

Make sure even though you've won the race, he'll say he won and it won't matter that you won. That happens sometimes with this.

[Martin Phillips]

Now me and Trump race.

[Donald Trump]

No.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

Can I ask you a personal question? And this might be too intimate. You don't have to answer if you don't want to. Do you have a vibrator?

[Martin Phillips]

I am a vibrator, man.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

That's what I thought.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Great answer. Unbelievable. Martin.

[Joe Biden]

Well, maybe this guy can use it when he tries to his daughter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I. I'm down.

[David Attell]

I'm down.

[Martin Phillips]

I'm down.

[Joe Biden]

We're not. It was just a suggestion, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Martin, you did it again. We absolutely love you. Congratulations. This is Madison Square Garden, and that is Martin Phillips. You're watching these monsters in front of your very eyes. Let's go back to the legends bucket, huh? Ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God. This guy actually performed last night and he absolutely destroyed. Truly one of my favorite comedians in the world for a very long time. An absolute New York icon. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Jim Northern.

[Jim Norton]

Thank you. Oh, thank you very much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You having a good time?

[Jim Norton]

Thank you, Tony, for having me back. It's been my dream to work Madison Square Garden for free

[Donald Trump]

twice.

[Jim Norton]

I was reading something that really, really annoyed me today, so I'm gonna start with it. Nirvana has an album called Nevermind. I think it's their second record. On the COVID of that Record is a nude infant floating in a swimming pool, reaching for a dollar. That baby is now an adult. And he sued Nirvana because he said being on that record COVID ruined his life. And I'm obsessed with asking him, who recognizes you? How humiliating for an adult male to step out of the shower and have a woman go, oh, my God, you have not changed. And according to his lawsuit, he sued, like, for emotional distress. He said Nirvana promised that when the record came out, they would put a black sticker across the penis to conceal it. And they neglected to do that. So I was talking to somebody and I said, I'm glad Nirvana didn't put a black sticker across the penis. And the guy I was talking to said, why?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I had nothing.

[Jim Norton]

You ever take a stand for no reason whatsoever? I just like arguing. Now I'm dug into this position. I'm trying to have a fun back and forth. Now I'm aggressively advocating for more visible baby dicks. And I don't have children. I'm married. I only got married because my wife tricked me, and she told me she was pregnant. Obviously, I offered to treat her to a procedure. I'm like, come on, we'll get there early. We'll get ice cream. It'll be great. But she got very angry for me suggesting an abortion. She told me I had an abortion in college, which I did not know, truly. I thought she dropped out of high school. So we get married. Three days after the ceremony, she goes, hey, great news. I found out I'm not pregnant. Which was fucking infuriating. I was more mad at myself for being so stupid. Like, I don't know how I fell for it. Like, I know she can't get pregnant. She's transgender. I don't know how I fell for that. How did I forget she has a dick. That's what I loved about her to begin with. Now, my wife's penis, which I realize sounds like the title of a progressive children's book. On the COVID there's a married couple. The woman has a little tent in her dress, and they're surrounded by a diverse group of accepting friends to pop up book. But look, that's what life is, right? Life is random. You don't plan who you're gonna marry the first. You don't see somebody and realize, that's the person I'm gonna fall in love with. That's the person I'm gonna live my life with. I didn't plan on marrying my wife. Honestly. The first time I saw her, she was just effortlessly winning a Swimming competition. And I realized how turned off I was by all those second and third place losers.

[David Attell]

All these women, glug, glug, glug, glug.

[Jim Norton]

Water filling up their vaginas, slowing them down. And there she is, like a speedboat with an uncircumcised rudder just cutting down the left lane. And I'm like, who is that gal in first place by 18 laps? Who is that? Why is JK Rowling calling her a cunt? Thank you guys very much. Tony, thank you for having me back.

[Brian Redband]

Come on, ladies and gentlemen. Putting on a fucking clinic two nights in a row. How loud can this place get for the great Jim Norton.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, good Lord almighty. Unbelievable. A bucket pool. Has to follow that. Live from Madison Square Garden. Make some noise for the.

[Brian Redband]

For Sid Claypool, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sid Claypool is the fourth bucket pull here.

[Brian Redband]

Night two. Kill.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony. Madison Square Garden.

[Joe Biden]

So

[Sid Claypool]

my favorite part about driving on heroin is passing the drug, the breathalyzer. My least favorite part is what? Walking the straight line. Can somebody explain Murphy's Law to me? Whatever can go wrong will go wrong. What about when shit goes right? Sounds kind of pessimistic to me, because When I was 8, my uncle tried to fuck me, but I got away. Sounds like some rules were broken. My best friend, he's a double amputee. His prosthetics, they cost an arm and a leg. Who's charging an arm and a leg? Jeffrey Dahmer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Sid Claypool, welcome to the show. Sid, how long have you been doing stand up?

[Sid Claypool]

This is my first time ever on stage.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Amazing. What made you choose tonight for a chance to start?

[Sid Claypool]

I don't know. The reason I even wanted to do comedy was because of the show, and I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old are you?

[Joe Biden]

I'm 29.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

29. Do you really do heroin?

[Sid Claypool]

I used to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How'd you get off? What made. How'd you quit?

[Sid Claypool]

Well, one day, the last thing. I got into a lot of car accidents when I was on heroin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sid Claypool]

The funny part is it was never when I was on heroin.

[Casey Rocket]

It was.

[Sid Claypool]

I was on Xanax or withdrawing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait a minute.

[Dave Chappelle]

You're a heroin addict and you had a car? I don't believe that.

[Sid Claypool]

Yeah.

[Joe Biden]

If I had a.

[Dave Chappelle]

If I have anything that goes with heroin, the car.

[Donald Trump]

This was. This was when the economy was booming. Even the heroin guys. Even the heroin guys had cars, and they were driving, and we like to have them drive. They fell asleep. They fell asleep at red lights, and we got to wake them up. We'd say, what are you doing here?

[Joe Biden]

I'll tell you what. We're gonna make heroin more affordable for you so you can get off your bird scooter. You know, you kind of look like Johnny Menzel.

[David Attell]

Maybe.

[Joe Biden]

Johnny. He can't sell a punchline, though. More like it.

[Sid Claypool]

Somebody actually said that earlier. The funniest part about when I got on heroin was it was like three months right before COVID I just decided, fuck it, I should start doing heroin. And then I got on it for a while.

[Joe Biden]

What's the best part about heroin?

[Sid Claypool]

Well, I can't tell you the best, but the worst part about heroin is you can never do it again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you mean?

[Sid Claypool]

Like, I'm not. I can never do it again. It's the best thing I've ever had in my life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Life, right.

[Joe Biden]

Have you ever had a Capri Sun?

[Sid Claypool]

No, but I've had Sunny D. I think that's way better.

[Joe Biden]

My man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, look at you. So you really have a friend that's a double amputee, or was that just.

[Sid Claypool]

That was. That was me for. I made the Jeffrey Dahmer joke, but originally I was. I was trying to think of an arm and a leg joke, and I was coming up with a joke with somebody that's a W amputee, and I couldn't come up with it. I thought of Jeffrey Dahmer, and then I just added, that would have been

[Audience Member / Interjection]

a bummer if he was here tonight and he couldn't clap for you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for a living?

[Sid Claypool]

Rather I'll talk about anything but that. I got a lot of stories, but not my job. That's why I have a fake name tonight. Honestly.

[Dave Chappelle]

Oh, nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

Whoa.

[Dave Chappelle]

Mysterious.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, hey, I actually.

[Sid Claypool]

I have a story about last night. I was here last night in the comedic section. I didn't buy a ticket. I got out of here. I was pretty fucked up. I was hanging out with a bunch of people. I was drunk as hell. I ran into some homeless woman. She was offering xanax, gave her 20 bucks, got two Xanax. I got pretty fucked up. And then on my way home, I don't know what happened. I think I was checking this guy's girl out. He started arguing with me. I started arguing back. We got into a fight. I threw him on the floor. I punched him in the face, and then his girlfriend started choking me out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, where's the good part of this story?

[Sid Claypool]

Well, she bit me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Sid Claypool]

And then I spent last night in a precinct after the show. Last night.

[Dave Chappelle]

Awesome, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All the fun of all the trouble of still doing heroin without any of the fun.

[Donald Trump]

Wow, does this sound like somebody you know? This sounds like little Hunter. Little Hunter Biden. He's back and he's getting bitten by in the night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, hey.

[Joe Biden]

He paid her 50 bucks on PayPal to bite him. He took care. Yeah, but Milani to bite you all the. I bet you love to get. I love you. I bet you love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sid Claypool. Congratulations on your first time ever performing. Here's a little joke book. Boom. Sid Claypool. There he goes, everybody yourself.

[Dave Chappelle]

That guy is a bad true American. Right out of lockdown, right onto msg.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys having fun here? We're gonna keep it moving along, Ladies and gentlemen, here we go with your next bucket, pool and your neck. What is going on with this dumb show?

[Brian Redband]

Oh, God. What the fuck is happening here? Oh my God. We get this many fat losers in one fucking place.

[Donald Trump]

New York, God damn city.

[Joe Biden]

This whole show is.

[Donald Trump]

It's been a debacle. And I'm here to set it straight.

[William Montgomery]

You.

[Joe Biden]

You're ugly.

[Donald Trump]

I got something to say to you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Here he is. Ladies and gentlemen. Kill Tony legend Ari Shafir. This was not scheduled. This is a real interruption happening. Oh my goodness.

[Brian Redband]

Oh my. You got graphics pyro.

[Donald Trump]

Well, I'll tell you what, Tony Hinchcliffe. See a lot of seemingly brave men

[Joe Biden]

up here, but I don't see any balls.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Ari. We are under direct orders and I told you this. The entire show is under orders. There cannot be. They specifically researched the show and they said Ari Shafird cannot show his dick and balls at Madison Square Garden. No, I don't think you guys understand. I'm not kidding. There is literally a $100,000 penalty that I literally have to pay if he shows his genitalia. They have very strict rules. This is the number one arena in the world and it's written in a cont. Why do you guys. Guys wanted me to pay that money?

[Brian Redband]

What is wrong with you? I thought you were fans of the show. This is treason. This is real. Don't do it, Ar.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This place is in a ruckus.

[Joe Biden]

Tony, you put me in a.

[Donald Trump]

In a tough position with your.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your.

[Donald Trump]

With all your gay talk there. I don't want to cost you $100,000. And I guess I'm sorry to you guys.

[Dave Chappelle]

Boom.

[Donald Trump]

Your booze make a good point. This is Madison Square Garden. When Jalen Brunson comes here, he doesn't bring his fucking volleyball, does he? When Billy Joel's here, he doesn't bring the. He doesn't bring the violin.

[Joe Biden]

And I'm Ari Shafir.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah,

[Donald Trump]

No, sorry, buddy.

[Dave Chappelle]

I have no.

[Donald Trump]

I literally have no choice.

[Brian Redband]

They're fucking.

[Donald Trump]

There's 20,000 people yelling at me, man.

[Dave Chappelle]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, what? I'm the president of Legion escapes. I can't deny a chance. Wow.

[Brian Redband]

Think about the children, Ari.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no.

[Brian Redband]

Oh, that's happening.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ari. No, it's in paperwork.

[Brian Redband]

My agents and everybody warn it is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no. Oh, no, no. Ari, please. Oh my God.

[Brian Redband]

It just hit a the face.

[David Attell]

That guy's mouth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, there's dicks flying everywhere.

[Dave Chappelle]

Oh my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God.

[Brian Redband]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Brian Redband]

Whoa.

[Joe Biden]

Tony, I'm. I'm a changed man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're a changed man.

[Joe Biden]

Yeah.

[Donald Trump]

And I know. I know you come from Austin, but

[Joe Biden]

over here the men are a little bit different.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

That's the fastest transitioning I've ever seen in my life. That was like a drive through transition right there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no, Ari.

[Brian Redband]

Oh no. I just saw this outside.

[Dave Chappelle]

I just saw this outside, Ari.

[Brian Redband]

Wait, that's a vagina. Ari has a vagina now.

[Joe Biden]

You win the gay vote, you win the game vote.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

By the way, I still see a little bit of your balls. If I get charged this money, I'm gonna kill you. I got five on it.

[Dave Chappelle]

I. I thought.

[Joe Biden]

Oh, now he doesn't want to grab it. Wow, you changed since monkeypox. I'll let you right in front of him. Is that real?

[Dave Chappelle]

Oh, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God. Jim Norton is gonna the out of you.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

I think it would be a real shame if nobody stuck their finger in that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God.

[Brian Redband]

Oh, Harlan. The old canary in the corner coal mine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God.

[Brian Redband]

Oh, the old wettest of the willies.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God. Wow.

[Brian Redband]

This is kill.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony,

[Brian Redband]

please make some noise for my big brother, Ari Shafir. Everybody, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What a presentation. Oh my God.

[Brian Redband]

Wow. I love that man.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

Ask. I got asked.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God. What a show.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

Who needs to come up here and see what waffle house smells like?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Smothered, covered and pickled. You know what? You know what we've never done before is we've never had an Ari to Ari trail transition. We've never segued from one Ari to another Ari in the show's history. We have a regular on this show, ladies and gentlemen, who's taken it over by absolute storm.

[Brian Redband]

He could be one of the fastest

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

rising comedians in the world.

[Brian Redband]

He is on a one way ticket to American citizenship. This is the Estonian assassin, Ari Mati.

[David Attell]

Sam,

[Ari Mati]

A little about me. I am a chubby chaser I do have to say, it's not too much of a chase. You have some snacks. You're good. I love fat women, you know? And let's be honest. What really happens when women get fat? When men get fat, we lose our dick and then we die. When women get fat, you get more tits, more ass, more delicious. You can never put too much syrup on a pancake. You know what I'm saying? I laugh at women. I like an Adelaide 2016, you know,

[Donald Trump]

with that juicy pussy.

[Ari Mati]

I don't want no skinny Taylor Swift pussy.

[Donald Trump]

Dry.

[Ari Mati]

You can tell Taylor has that rice cake pussy. You eat Taylor's pussy, it feels like you swallowed cinnamon. You need a glass of water. I love fat women. They're fun. They fart, they giggle. They don't have any stupid rules. I don't eat after six.

[Sal Volcano]

No.

[Ari Mati]

A fat bitch, you put a donut in her mouth, a dick in her ass. And Celebi, thank you very much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. What a fucking star.

[Joe Biden]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is unbelievable.

[Ari Mati]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just un believable.

[Ari Mati]

Thank you so much. It's crazy trying a joke for the first time in front of 16,000 people, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you really are an assassin. It's already got beats to it. You're absolutely killing. He didn't even know. You know, we had a great talk on. On the sidewalk last night in front of the hotel. And I go, are you ready for tomorrow night as well? And he goes, you know, basically, like, really, I can do tomorrow night too and. Cause, you know, I sort of surprise these guys with everything. I like to keep everybody on their toes. Fucking. Here you go. Debuting a whole New minute. 30 seconds.

[David Attell]

Got crushed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's Estonian.

[Dave Chappelle]

Is he?

[Ari Mati]

Yes.

[Dave Chappelle]

And who do you drive for?

[Brian Redband]

Uber or who?

[Dave Chappelle]

Dude, you must be the ladies. They couldn't get enough of you, dude. They loved every second of that.

[Ari Mati]

Thank you.

[Dave Chappelle]

You must be fighting them off. No, not at all.

[Ari Mati]

It's not looking good out there. Dave Attel.

[Dave Chappelle]

Really?

[Ari Mati]

Yeah.

[Dave Chappelle]

Wow.

[Ari Mati]

And I don't have high requirements, you know, I like, you know, parallelize and a full set of T, you know.

[Dave Chappelle]

Wow. First time in New York, huh?

[Audience Member / Interjection]

So you said you love fat girls, right?

[Ari Mati]

I love them.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

Have you tried David Lucas?

[Ari Mati]

I could fuck David Lucas.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

You will.

[Joe Biden]

You will.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Easy to chase.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

Stupid laugh, but okay.

[Ari Mati]

Which one of the presidents is gonna grant me a visa, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I think I know which one.

[Donald Trump]

The way you treated fat women was beautiful. And we love that.

[David Attell]

We.

[Donald Trump]

We want fat women to be very happy. We like them. But should they vote? I don't Know, what are your thoughts on women voting?

[Ari Mati]

Well, you know, it's an interesting concept.

[Joe Biden]

What's the what? Who is. What's the what? Who's the. Who's the biggest. Who's. What's the fat?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fit it out, Joe.

[Joe Biden]

What's the fat. What's the. I feel like that's what the fat girls say to you after they eat your sandwich. What's the. What's the biggest girl you've been with?

[Ari Mati]

I've been with a few tanks myself. You know, as long as I can find the hole.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

We should bring Ari Shafir back out here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ari, you've done it again.

[Ari Mati]

Thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony, you're an unstoppable force. Thank you so much for future American.

[Brian Redband]

Ari. Matty.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. Again. This is crazy. Be people having their first sets. People that have been prepping for eight years or more. Anything can happen. Make some noise for the kill. Tony, debut a bucket. Pool number five. Tom Alfano, everybody. Here we go. We're gonna meet Tom. All together now, 60 seconds uninterrupted.

[Tom Alfano]

Thank you very much. How you doing, New York? Anyway, a little bit about me. I'm actually married, which is weird. Yeah, I don't look like marriage material. I look like I'm weed material, right? Yeah. I love my wife. She's very cool. But, you know, she's a little weird. Right? Like, my wife, she has the skin cream. It's called snail 97. I thought this must be a creative name for a skin cream.

[Jim Norton]

Nope.

[Tom Alfano]

I read the label. It says 97% snail excretions. She puts this shit on her face. God forbid I ejaculate anywhere near her face. Right. Snail secretions.

[Sid Claypool]

Okay.

[Tom Alfano]

Tom Alfano Secret.

[Cam Patterson]

No way.

[Tom Alfano]

That's her fucking motto. Anyway, thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Tom Albano, welcome to the show. Tom, how long you been doing stand up?

[Tom Alfano]

Four years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right. Amazing, that Tom, huh?

[Dave Chappelle]

Yeah, he found the line in the crowd.

[Joe Biden]

No.

[Dave Chappelle]

Snail excretions.

[Tom Alfano]

Yeah, they got pretty mad about that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. They turned on you there.

[Tom Alfano]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you think about perhaps coming out and smashing a watermelon?

[Sid Claypool]

Yeah. Yeah, that would be great.

[Tom Alfano]

That would have been a good.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

Or doing a perch shampoo commercial.

[Dave Chappelle]

Yeah.

[Tom Alfano]

Thank you.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

Does your wife ever mix it up and just smear her face with millipede shit?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know.

[Tom Alfano]

I wouldn't put it past her, you know, I don't know these ladies with their.

[Dave Chappelle]

Tom, is it weird calling a cat your wife?

[Tom Alfano]

Yeah, that's pretty weird.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is true. I'D love to know what you do for work. You, I'm guessing something in horticulture.

[Brian Oyola]

No.

[Tom Alfano]

I work for the Nassau county government in Long Island.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. What the do you do for the government? Exactly?

[Tom Alfano]

I do as little as I possibly can.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

World's wackiest meter made. What the going on?

[Tom Alfano]

I am a child of nepotism. My father was a New York state assemblyman and then, you know, found myself in a job.

[Dave Chappelle]

Bragging rights.

[Tom Alfano]

That's the way the world works, people.

[Dave Chappelle]

A lot of government up here.

[Tom Alfano]

Look at Donald Trump Jr.

[Joe Biden]

Right, would you.

[Donald Trump]

Don't ever fucking talk about my son, ever.

[Cam Patterson]

Ever.

[Joe Biden]

What are you doing here?

[Donald Trump]

I thought I drone strike to you. Years ago, I found this creature. He was in a cave. I said get rid of him. We would have all been saved tonight from those absolutely embarrassing jokes. What a loser this guy is.

[Joe Biden]

What was your real dream? What was your. What was your American dream? It couldn't have been looking like Ron Jeremy with aids, could it be?

[Brian Redband]

No.

[Tom Alfano]

I mean, I dreamt of being a comedian and being here and thank God Tony, you know, made that possible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What exactly do you do for the government with a face like yours?

[Tom Alfano]

I. I am a legislative liaison.

[Brian Redband]

Whoa,

[Dave Chappelle]

what do you do?

[Brian Redband]

Escort.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you in a. Are you in some kind of like Steely Dan cover band or something like that? What do you do for fun?

[Tom Alfano]

Oh, I, you know, I smoke weed and play video games and do. Do mushrooms, you know.

[Joe Biden]

Yeah.

[Sal Volcano]

Why wouldn't you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah, the class.

[Ari Mati]

Why wouldn't you?

[Audience Member / Interjection]

Tony, I got a question for the crowd. Can I ask the crowd, folks? Have you ever seen anyone shoplift a George Foreman Grill? Dude, turn around and show them your ass. That's the flattest ass I've ever seen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Wow.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

George Foreman Grill in there for sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is absolutely shit square.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

Wendy's Burgers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is incredible. Incredible. You do have what could be the flattest ass in the show's history.

[Tom Alfano]

Yeah, you know. What am I gonna do?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Squats. That's what you need to do. You ever work out?

[Tom Alfano]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Tom Alfano]

I am skinny, you know.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

Where'd you get your ass? Ikea. For sake.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bikini bottom. It is incredible. You have a real weird delivery and tone to. You're like the guy that molested Mark Normand or something like that. No.

[Tom Alfano]

Yeah, yeah, I get that a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pedophilia, comedy. There you go.

[Joe Biden]

What is your favorite thing to. What's your favorite. When you get high. Right. What do you like to do? What do you like to do? Movies, food.

[Tom Alfano]

Oh, movies. Food, gaming, right?

[Joe Biden]

What's your favorite. What's your favorite movie?

[Donald Trump]

Have you ever seen Jurassic Park?

[Tom Alfano]

Yes. I say Jurassic Park.

[Interjection / Audience]

What a film.

[Donald Trump]

What an amazing film. It's been lost. It's a lost world now. A lot of people haven't seen it. People don't get it when you make great, great. Some of the best jokes about Jurassic Park. A lot of people say it was one of the better jokes. And that's that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's the end of that. That. Tom, anything else crazy we should know about you before we let you go?

[Tom Alfano]

I used to euthanize dogs.

[Brian Redband]

Oh, wow.

[Sid Claypool]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This guy is terrible.

[Dave Chappelle]

I'm sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're. We're going to. We're going to get him out of here. Here he goes with a little joke book. Tom Alano. Here you go, Tom. There he goes. Make some noise for Tom.

[Brian Redband]

What the.

[Dave Chappelle]

I never would have thought that about him.

[Brian Redband]

All right, how about the Legends bucket, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. I love this guy with all my heart. Another true legend of New York, one

[Brian Redband]

of my very good friends. You guys have seen him a thousand times on Impractical Jokers. Make some noise for Sal Volcano. What's up, everybody? Give it up for Kill Tony.

[Sal Volcano]

A lot of people ask me if I'm gay. That's not the fucking punchline. No. I meet a lot of you. I meet a lot of you. I met some of you tonight. You'd be surprised how many times when I meet someone, they ask me if I'm gay. I'm not, but I get it. No, I get.

[David Attell]

I get it.

[Sal Volcano]

I mean, I see what you see. You know, mirrors exist. Like, I'm never like, why do people think I'm gay? I'm always like, interesting. Let's chat about it over brunch.

[Pauly Shore]

Now.

[Sal Volcano]

I really don't know why. I really don't know why. Maybe because I'm into fashion. Like, no, I'm really.

[Brian Redband]

I am.

[Sal Volcano]

I'm really into men's fashion. Maybe that's why, like, if I saw a guy walking down the street in, like, a beautiful tailored suit, I'd have no issue being like, should I suck that guy's dick? Those are some smart slacks. Should me and this man share a life together? Let me lighten the mood. The death penalty, the way I see it, I do have some thoughts on the death penalty. People don't expect that from me. They're not controversial, though. It's not like, do we have the right to take a life? Do we have the right to play God? It's more about the Last meal. We'd agree that this is a murder. A murder is about to happen. Why are we catering it? Why does food even come into play in this scenario at all? It's not even the fact that they get the meal. It's the fact that we give them anything they want. That's insane. Anything they want. It sounds like we feel guilty. Like, look, we're about to put you down in front of these few folks for what you did, but we're great people. So if you fancy a bite to nosh, give a holla. Anything they want is crazy to me. There were nights when I was younger at the dinner table, my mom was like, you gonna act like that? Go upstairs. That's it. I didn't get dinner for light horseplay. This guy mows down a half a dozen out of Santander bank. We owe him pumpkin ravioli.

[Joe Biden]

Who's running the government?

[Sal Volcano]

My grandmother.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You can kill him, but you gotta feed him.

[Sal Volcano]

I just took a 23andMe test. Couple surprises, got back. Couple surprises. First one. One percent French. It's fucking 1%. Calm down. I don't know how that happens. How does 1% even happen? Wouldn't my great, great, great, great grandfather give a thumbs up to a French lady at an intersection? Biggest surprise, 8% African. 8%. That's significant. 8%. To live 40 plus years and not know that. That was a shocker. And before you get ahead of me, I'm not gonna make some. I didn't hear what he said.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, all right, all right.

[Sal Volcano]

Here, look, before you even get ahead of me. No, I'm not gonna do that.

[Joe Biden]

Okay?

[Sal Volcano]

I'm not gonna make some hack joke about what African American trait I inherited with the 8% that's low hanging fruit. You guys are comedy fans. You didn't come in for that.

[David Attell]

I didn't come in for that.

[Sal Volcano]

I'm not gonna make that hack joke. I don't care what you say. But if I was gonna make the

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

joke,

[Sal Volcano]

I tell you guys that I have sickle cell anemia. Only in my large black penis, though. Thank you, msg. Appreciate you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Guys, guys, guys.

[Brian Redband]

How cool are these legends coming in? Make some noise for New York's own Sal Volcano.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable. I love you, brother. The great Sal Volcano, everybody. And now we move to a regular. Ladies and gentlemen, perhaps one of the most powerful regulars in the entire history of the show. Oh, my goodness. Hey, it's my assistant, Andrew Dice Clay, everybody.

[Joe Biden]

Whoa.

[Brian Redband]

This guy did such.

[Donald Trump]

Yeah, Tony. Tony gave me the assistant job because I did really good last night, right

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony, he did such a good job, I gave him a full time job as my new assistant. I mean, you are a little mad

[Donald Trump]

that I didn't do some of the poems. I don't know if this crowd would know the poems. Can I borrow a cigarette real quick? Because I gotta get out of here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, wait, I'll just.

[Donald Trump]

If I could remember them. Little Miss Muffet sat on a tough and it eating a curd some way long came a spidey sat down beside

[Brian Redband]

he said hey, what's in the bow?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh,

[Donald Trump]

I got to hear about hickory dickory dock this chick was sucking my. The clock struck two I dropped my goo I jumped a bitch on the next block oh,

[Joe Biden]

maybe they remember this one.

[Donald Trump]

Oh, Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get a little dog a bone

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

she bent over, Rover took over oh, she got a bone of her rum.

[Joe Biden]

All right, I gotta get out of here.

[Donald Trump]

Tony, thank you for the job.

[Brian Redband]

God bless.

[Donald Trump]

Thank you, everybody.

[Brian Redband]

Fucking New York, New fucking York.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, the first ever comedian to sell out Madison Square Garden.

[Brian Redband]

Make some fucking noise.

[Dave Chappelle]

Yeah, really.

[Brian Redband]

For one of the best to ever do it. Andrew Dice Clay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What an unbelievable fucking cameo. Jesus Christ. What a show. And again, it continues with a regular. You know, it's a big stage here at Madison Square Garden. There's a lot of space to be used. A lot of comedians, they stand in one spot. Some sit on a stool, some leave the mic and a mic mic stand. I present to you someone that knows how to use this stage to its fullest.

[Brian Redband]

This is Casey, Rocket.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sam.

[Aaron Belial]

Touchy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I just want to break you down so badly. All right, cool.

[Brian Oyola]

Hell yeah.

[Jim Norton]

Very cool.

[Tom Alfano]

All right.

[Casey Rocket]

Six laughs.

[Sid Claypool]

Very fun.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

All right.

[Ari Mati]

Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

Just follow Dice Clay. Just follow Dice Clay. Come on, man, get real. I'm doing protest riffs tonight, folks. I got nothing to lose. All right, we're having fun. Protest riffs. I'm like Bob Dylan when he went electric.

[Brian Redband]

I.

[Casey Rocket]

Except I'm pregnant and addicted to air Duster. Couldn't happen to a nicer guy. I'm not even a comedian. This is a fucking goodwill hunting situation. Tony found me outside Yankee Stadium just riffing in the alleyway earlier. Who's the crab guy? I just wanna. What if Zaboomafu was bottom?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hi.

[Brian Oyola]

I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

Big zaboomafu crown.

[David Attell]

Come on,

[Casey Rocket]

it's funny you bring that up. I went to the methadone clinic earlier because baby had the shaky and I actually ended up getting a crayon stuck in my dickhole. Fellas, is it just me? Am I Getting older, the crayons getting smaller.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I.

[Casey Rocket]

You know, it's Biden's America, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Tom Alfano]

I'm Casey.

[Brian Redband]

Rocket. We did it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Casey motherfucking Rocket, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again. Appreciate it.

[Casey Rocket]

Big riffs, big laughs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dave, you ever see anything like a KC Rocket before?

[Joe Biden]

Oh, my God.

[Dave Chappelle]

I'm still taking it all in. You know, years ago, when you were with the Wiggles, I was gonna ask you. You are musical, dude, correct? Yes or no?

[Casey Rocket]

I am musical.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

I'm musical.

[Dave Chappelle]

You can sing, right?

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh?

[Casey Rocket]

I could sing you something. I could sing you anything if you want it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Jim Norton]

That's all right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have any requests?

[Casey Rocket]

We'll circle back to it.

[Brian Redband]

It.

[Joe Biden]

Do you know. Do you know the Pepto Bismol theme song?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uhhuh.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah. It's not just for kids. It's not just for guys. It's for girls, too.

[Joe Biden]

You got it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Joe Biden]

That was the Pepto Bismol theme song. Yeah. By the way, if Kamala wins, we will make crayons big enough to fit inside your car comfortably. You have my word.

[Casey Rocket]

He's got my vote. What a guy.

[Donald Trump]

What a disgusting promise. We don't want this. No one here wants this. We want colored pencils in this guy's penis. We need that.

[Joe Biden]

You can't say colored pencils anymore, Donald.

[Donald Trump]

Black pencils. The blackest pencils. Pens, we call them pens. We call black people pens now. That's a new fun racist thing I came up with just now. And please don't actually do that. I regret this. My bad.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

Hey, Casey, can you hold those gloves out for a second, man? Hold those gloves. I picture you later in an alleyway giving Spider Man a glow in the dark hand job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Andrew Dice, Gay Tony Tom.

[Casey Rocket]

Him to stop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Casey. Rocket, you're a sensation. What can I say that I haven't said it thousand times before. The crowd is with you every goddamn time. A true live performer. One more time for the rising star. The shooting star. That was Casey. Rockin' we love you. One more time for Casey, everybody. And a bucket pull has to follow it. Representing section 108, row 5, seat 13, this is the Kill Tony debut of Andrew Parker. Andrew Parker has been selected from the audience. Here he is.

[Andrew Parker]

How's everybody doing today? I took the bus here today because there's no point in driving. And I got on the bus, it was super crowded, so I got a seat. And right after the next stop, a pregnant lady walked on, so I wasn't sure what to do. I did what I thought. Anybody here would do. I just closed my eyes and pretended I was sleeping. Yeah. But it didn't work out like that. The lady bent down and was like, I saw what you did, you fucking ginny. So as a prideful Italian, I did what I thought anyone would do. I looked her and said, hey, lady, fuck somebody with a car next time. Yeah.

[Sal Volcano]

So thank you.

[Andrew Parker]

I only got a minute. Give me a second. So I don't treat pregnant women like this. I have three kids and a wife, but about two months ago, my son called me in his room at like, 4 in the morning and was like, daddy, I'm turning into a skeleton. And I'm like, you're not Luciano, calm down. And he's like, look. He pulled his pants down and said, there's a bone in my pishy. So I said, all right, let's go to the bathroom. I took him. That was it. We go to school the next day. The first thing he says to the teacher is, I had a bone in my pishy. I turned into a skeleton. Don't worry. Daddy showed me what to do in the bathroom to get rid of it. Now I'm the dad at school who parties with P. Diddy. That's my time, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Andrew Parker. Rock solid set coming from the audience.

[Dave Chappelle]

Holy, buddy, he laid it down.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

I got a question, Tony. I got a question.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

A, what time does the Frisbee golf start? 12 or B, what time are you massaging Russell Crowe?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

C, what time do you have to get Andrew Schultz's week weed?

[William Montgomery]

A little later.

[Andrew Parker]

He likes it like two in the morning, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perfect. Perfect.

[Dave Chappelle]

Dude, that was like an emotional trip to Staten Island. Thank you so much for that.

[Martin Phillips]

Thank you.

[Sid Claypool]

Thank you.

[Dave Chappelle]

Awesome jokes. Well delivered.

[Michael Palumbo]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been doing stand up?

[Andrew Parker]

Since January. So like eight months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa.

[Dave Chappelle]

Wow, that's impressive. Impressive.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for a living?

[Andrew Parker]

I own a med spa. Like Botox and filler.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, that makes sense.

[Dave Chappelle]

He's got great cheekbones, Tony. Look at that.

[Andrew Parker]

Great, great cheekbones.

[Dave Chappelle]

Nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is incredible. How many kids do you have?

[Joe Biden]

Three.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old are they?

[Andrew Parker]

Five. Three and one and a half.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. Red Band is hard as a rock right now.

[Dave Chappelle]

A young dad.

[Joe Biden]

You're too American.

[Cam Patterson]

Thank you.

[Andrew Parker]

Thank you.

[Joe Biden]

What's your. What's your t. What's your. Hey, you got some tattoos. What do you got?

[Dave Chappelle]

I got a lot.

[Andrew Parker]

A lot of random ones.

[Joe Biden]

What's your most rare? What's. What do you got? What do you got? What's your most random?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The guy on your leg. I got a. I Got a couple

[Andrew Parker]

of guys on there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah? Who are? That's a question.

[Andrew Parker]

They're gangsters. Like mobsters?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Michael Palumbo]

Yeah.

[Joe Biden]

Like the Foot clan?

[Andrew Parker]

Kind of like that. Yeah. Italian foot clan.

[Joe Biden]

Who is it really?

[Dave Chappelle]

It's really.

[Andrew Parker]

You want me to give you. You want me to name him out?

[Donald Trump]

Rhett?

[Dave Chappelle]

No,

[Andrew Parker]

Donald,

[Brian Redband]

No.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Rats.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Donald Trump]

I'm joking. We love the Italians. We love the Italians, even though a lot of them are pens.

[Joe Biden]

I love the Italians, too. Every Sunday I go to Buca di Beppo with Hunter.

[Casey Rocket]

Nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Andrew, what do you do for fun? Any fun facts about your life or special skills? Skills or talents other than standup comedy?

[Casey Rocket]

Name?

[Andrew Parker]

Sylvio. But no, not, not, not much. Just watch my kids destroy the house.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Yeah, I love it. So, nothing. Nothing at all.

[Dave Chappelle]

I know

[Andrew Parker]

I should have prepared for this part. Nothing too crazy. Interesting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't have like a fake train set or anything like that?

[Dave Chappelle]

No, no, no.

[Andrew Parker]

No fake.

[Dave Chappelle]

Got to get home and put Christmas ornaments on his house.

[Andrew Parker]

Exactly.

[Dave Chappelle]

It's early.

[Andrew Parker]

I got to start getting Halloween.

[Dave Chappelle]

Never too soon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. I love it. Your kids all have Italian names?

[Casey Rocket]

They do.

[Andrew Parker]

Luchano, Sienna and Capri.

[Dave Chappelle]

Wow.

[Michael Palumbo]

Beautiful.

[Dave Chappelle]

I've driven all of those cars. Might as well hit it now, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Andrew, Andrew. Andrew. And what does your wife do?

[Andrew Parker]

She injects.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, she's one of the injectors.

[Andrew Parker]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you inject her filled with cum.

[Andrew Parker]

Exactly. Making a bunch, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely unbelievable. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom? You have any special Italian moves like the Rigatonian meatballs or the eggplant parmesan?

[Andrew Parker]

Nah, nothing crazy like that. I'm just tell her to get starfish and I just get down.

[Ray Robinson]

Old school.

[Andrew Parker]

Missionary. Keep it American.

[Brian Redband]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Absolutely.

[Dave Chappelle]

Easy. Dr. Fauci,

[Audience Member / Interjection]

is your wife injected? Does your wife have the Botox?

[Casey Rocket]

She does.

[Andrew Parker]

She does.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

So when she orgasm, does it look like this?

[Andrew Parker]

Stay plain still, please.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

Don't stop. Don't stop, please. More, lover. Right there, please. Oh, that's the spot. Right there. Luigi, or whatever the your name is. Don't stop. Olive Garden.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

Right there on the bread stick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's like that.

[Andrew Parker]

Very similar.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

That's what I thought.

[Andrew Parker]

Very, very similar.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Well, I mean, it's the. I mean, you might be the most Italian person that's ever been on this show. It's.

[Joe Biden]

You're confident.

[David Attell]

Thank you.

[Joe Biden]

You're confident.

[Dave Chappelle]

You're funny, dude. Very tight stuff. Very cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're leaving here with a big joke book, buddy. Congratulations, Andrew Parker.

[Jim Norton]

Nice one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's time for another regular. Ladies and gentlemen, it's about to go down. I present to you, perhaps one of the all time great regulars of the show. You're watching him become an international superstar in real time. Made a regular after his first appearance, went viral on his first scheduled appearance and has been absolutely murdering ever since Madison Square Garden. I present to you, Austin, Texas, own Camp Patterson.

[Dave Chappelle]

So.

[Cam Patterson]

At the. At the forum, I had made a joke about having an abortion and Internet got really mad at me and I want to come out here and tell y' all the truth. I wrote that joke two years ago and now I have a two year old. I was just playing the whole time. And I felt that way two years ago. I wanted to kill that nigga so bad. Listen, I tried everything. Two plan Bs. I took that bitch to Six Flags every day.

[Brian Redband]

I fed her papaya every day.

[Cam Patterson]

If you don't know papayas cause miscarriages, you welcome, right? I tried so hard to kill this baby and he still came out. He was. Listen, I'm gonna tell y' all something. He looked just like me. Like that little baby is my pride and joy, dawg. You know what I'm saying? I do all this hard work for my son, like every, every day watching him grow up and shit.

[David Attell]

He just.

[Cam Patterson]

He just like me. He like rocks just like his father. And when I made that joke, people got so mad. They were like, you a fucked up person for talking about it. But that's how I felt. But I was childish back then. And now that I'm a grown adult, I really understand the errors in my ways. You feel what I'm saying? And before I get out here, I'm gonna tell y' all one real thing. I just lied dead to y' all face. That baby, he dead as dog. I'm done.

[Brian Redband]

That dead ass baby. Kill them dumb ass babies.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perhaps one of the most proud abortion sets I've ever seen.

[Dave Chappelle]

Hey, I think we found our new mayor.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely incredible. Cam, you have done it again. I'm going to go to our presidential. Presidential presidents here. What do you guys think about that abortion esque set?

[Donald Trump]

Abortion is absolutely disgusting. And I've had several rule and

[Death Squad Network Announcer]

when

[Donald Trump]

someone else does it, I go, hold on a second. That's illegal. When I do it, I go, hey, what would you do? You would do it? Everybody does it. We kind of all love abortion. And I don't. It is discussing it's a sin.

[Cam Patterson]

Me neither. I hate them.

[Donald Trump]

But if you have to do it, you. You do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know the current President. Believe it or not, he's still the president. Joe Biden. What do you think about a pro abortion set?

[Joe Biden]

Well, first of all, I only understood about the first six seconds of Cam set. I heard something. Something Abortion. N word. Abortion. I'll tell you this much. Here's the deal. Here's the deal, folks. I like your style. I think you're making good choices. I think sometimes the baby's not supposed to be here.

[Cam Patterson]

Sometimes you got to kill them, dog.

[Joe Biden]

That's not what I said.

[Cam Patterson]

That's what. That's what you said. Sometimes you got to murder those babies, dog. Right, President.

[Joe Biden]

It's still not very close to what I was trying to iterate.

[Cam Patterson]

You got to obliterate unborn babies.

[Joe Biden]

Okay. It's nice to see you, Cam.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cam had a full night in New York. Anything crazy happening since you've been here? Nah, I ain't really.

[Cam Patterson]

I. I went to. I went to.

[Ray Robinson]

What?

[Cam Patterson]

The baseball team. With the. The team. The baseball team.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The Yankees.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. Wow.

[Cam Patterson]

I went to the game. I had a good time. I liked it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Brian Oyola]

I.

[Cam Patterson]

They got mad cause I forgot name of Yankees, y'. All. I enjoyed it.

[Ray Robinson]

It was cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Hell yeah. I love it. I love it.

[Cam Patterson]

Go Yankees.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

I tell you, Tony, I did not hear a word of your set, and here's why. No disrespect, but the whole time I have a perfect view of your pants hanging down. Turn around and show them your undies.

[Joe Biden]

Hold.

[David Attell]

They don't need to see it.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

Look at these undies. You got to see them.

[Cam Patterson]

I'm not showing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm not showing that girl by Cam. I want to see. Just turn around real quick. No, it's not gay. There's a lot of women out there, Cam.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

Oh, come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look, it's gay facing that way, cuz. Only a bunch of dudes saw it.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

That's like broke back man mountain sunset right there. Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red band. Wow.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

That's like Baskin Robin. Skidmark city right there.

[Joe Biden]

You

[David Attell]

roll.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. You honky.

[David Attell]

You old ass white man, you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn.

[Cam Patterson]

I'm not a good roaster. I just want to cuss people out.

[Sal Volcano]

Wow.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

That one. You know what that one means? Put a ring on it.

[Cam Patterson]

What does that mean?

[Audience Member / Interjection]

I want to marry you, then murder you.

[Joe Biden]

You know, Kamala and I had this exact same fight two days ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cam, you're an absolute sensation. We've. I've said it a thousand times. You're a superstar. You're a rock star.

[Dave Chappelle]

Great job. Job, buddy. Great job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, one more Time for Cam Patterson. And now back to a legend that I actually scheduled today. He was in LA yesterday. I gave this guy a call because I've been thinking about him all week, because he's the first guy that ever brought me to New York, put me on shows in New York. York, took me around New York. One of my first ever mentors in the business. Him and I worked on about 11, 12 roasts together. A true one of the great kings of New York, a mentor of mine, one of my best friends flew in and surprised me at lunch today with his presence, the executive producer and creator. Creator of the goat roast of Tom Brady and all your favorite roasts.

[Brian Redband]

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the roast master, general Jeffrey Ross. Wow.

[Ray Robinson]

Wow.

[Brian Redband]

Thank you, Tony. What the fuck? Msg. How did this happen, Tony? How did this happen?

[Jeffrey Ross]

You're up here with the leader of the free world, the Republican nominee, and a guy who looks like he works a Ferris wheel in Bosnia. David, tell my brother. Great, Great to see you, Dave. Yeah, really. I can't believe that you're up here with. You know, you look like you're here to assassinate the impressionists.

[Dave Chappelle]

No, it's great to see Biden, Trump and Vladimir Glutin coming together for a pow wow.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Dave.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The Bumping Mike brothers have been reunited.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Dave, that outfit makes a statement.

[Dave Chappelle]

Yeah, what is it?

[Jeffrey Ross]

These kids were dead when I got here.

[Andrew Parker]

Oh, come on.

[Dave Chappelle]

You can do better than that.

[Brian Redband]

Dave.

[Dave Chappelle]

Yes.

[Jeffrey Ross]

Dave looks like he sells used respirators. Look at this crew. Wow. Dave looks like the scab on Trump's ear. We all know Tony's voting for Trump, but his vest collection is voting for Kamala. I love you so much, Tony. This means so much that you're doing this. I couldn't miss this. I haven't been on stage in a few months. I've been going through a health thing, and you called me yesterday and we got emotional, talking about our old days when we first came to New York. I got on a red eye. I couldn't miss this. You are are fucking doing amazing things. I'm so proud of you. I'm so proud of you, buddy. This is incredible. Thank you, Dave. You guys know my oncologist, Dave Attell, everybody. Dave. Looks like the tumor they took out of my colon. This is incredibly fun. I feel so lucky to be a comedian. I really do. Tony Hinchcloft Cliff MSG making stand up. Great again,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

guys.

[Brian Redband]

Literally, the fucking man himself, the roastmaster general, Jeffrey Ross.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes.

[Brian Redband]

One more time for Jeff Ross,

[David Attell]

And

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

it's Time for another bucket pull. Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe this is going to be our first female comedian of all of the Madison Square Garden shows. Make some noise for Alexa Cimino. Alexa Cimino or Camino.

[David Attell]

Oh, my God.

[Alexa Cimino]

Hey, y'.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All, how we doing?

[Alexa Cimino]

So I actually just got out of a four and a half year relationship. Thank you. Thank you. And it was hard when you're gonna spend the rest of your life with that person, you know? But having said that, I've been with the same guy for four years, and I am so ready to see some new dick. Holy shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Alexa Cimino]

I learned real quick that my type was anyone who needed a green card. Dude, foreign men hit so different. The migrant crisis has been, like, my favorite thing ever. I'm kind of like the Anthony Bourdain of dick. Instead of a Globetrotter, I'm more of a Globeter. The one thing that does suck about not being a monogamous relationship anymore, so I have to buy condoms, which sucks. But a lot of European guys are not circumcised, so it's kind of like the dick comes with one. Thank y' all so much.

[Dave Chappelle]

I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Alexa Cimino, welcome to the show.

[Alexa Cimino]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been doing stand up?

[Alexa Cimino]

Since March.

[Pauly Shore]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just started. What made you want to start now?

[Alexa Cimino]

Well, I originally wanted to be a news anchor, and that pays dog shit. So I decided if I'm going to get, well, I guess so does comedy. But I figured if I'm going to be working a desk job during the day, I might as well do something else. And I've always been. I don't know. People said I'm funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Amazing.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

I love the look. It's like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Alexa Cimino]

I feel like a Barbie.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

I love the look. It's sort of like I dream of Armenian genius.

[David Attell]

Neat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Do you always dress like a vase? I do, yeah. It's incredible. You're a real thicky glazer. Thank you.

[Alexa Cimino]

That's so sweet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for a living? How do you make money?

[Alexa Cimino]

I am a news reporter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you really are a news.

[Alexa Cimino]

Yeah, I work for a tabloid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Alexa Cimino]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Great fun time.

[Joe Biden]

Which one? Highlights or People magazine? What do you. What? For who?

[Alexa Cimino]

Daily Mail.

[Sal Volcano]

Wow.

[Dave Chappelle]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yikes.

[Joe Biden]

What's the latest What? Hey, shut the up for a second. What's. What's the latest buzz? Who's the. What's the latest. What's the latest tea?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh. Nah, it's okay.

[Alexa Cimino]

I mean, honestly, so much of my day revolves around you two. It's not even funny. You were on in the newsroom 24 7. How's your ear?

[Donald Trump]

It's doing very well. He missed and we shot him and killed him immediate and.

[Joe Biden]

Oh, you like that?

[Donald Trump]

That changes. That changes the way I thought about you. I thought you were a disgusting bitch until when you cheered there, it excited me. And now I like you. And I thought you did great. Wow. Amazing. You talked about fucking. And we love to hear it, don't we? We love to hear the whiskey. Women talk about sex. And we need more female comics to talk about pussies and sex. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have any special skills or talents? You good at anything?

[Alexa Cimino]

I'm a sailing instructor.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A sailing instructor. Wow.

[Alexa Cimino]

I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Alexa Cimino]

It's a fun time, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You couldn't be an anchor, so you stayed on the boat. Yep.

[Joe Biden]

That was funny. Tony.

[Dave Chappelle]

Sweet.

[Joe Biden]

Tony deserve more laughter. That was really funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, guys.

[Alexa Cimino]

Awesome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you very much. Hey. Hello. Anything else interesting about you? A sailing instructor. That's an interesting one.

[Alexa Cimino]

Oh, this isn't my real hair.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[Joe Biden]

Him neither.

[Dave Chappelle]

Yeah. Join the club.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. And so do you have a boyfriend? Have you settled down with any of these migrants you speak of?

[Alexa Cimino]

No. I have, like, 12 boyfriends, though, so it's fun.

[Dave Chappelle]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible.

[Dave Chappelle]

Jury, relax.

[Alexa Cimino]

They know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They know.

[Alexa Cimino]

They know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She works for TMZ and hpv. Amazing. Alexa. Very fun stuff. Congratulations. Thank you so much. You just performed at Madison Square Garden. Here's a big joke.

[Cam Patterson]

Buck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, so close.

[Alexa Cimino]

Thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There she goes. Ladies and gentlemen, Alexis Cimino. She's a Sam. Back to the legends. Bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, you're in for a treat. This dark force of nature famously closed out the Comedy Store for decades. Now he closes the shows in Austin, Texas. I present to you your favorite comedian's favorite comedian, a dark legend of kill, Tony, A man who never holds back

[Brian Redband]

and gives the people all the way

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

to the limits what they could possibly fathom.

[Brian Redband]

This is Brian Holtzman.

[David Attell]

I just wanted to fit in with the rest of the retards on this show. I don't have a lot of time, so listen, listen, listen, listen, listen. Well, fuck Billy Joel, Red Band. Tony, your bathroom is not the bathroom. He's in the bathroom playing the fucking piano. Your residency is over, bitch. Get the fuck out of here. Repeat after me. Put it on the screen. Billy Joel, go home. Go the fuck home. It's not your fucking house. Brenda and Eddie can fuck themselves. How much you want to bet all the handicapped parking spaces are taken tonight? Do you know when you flush the toilet in New York, it goes straight to New Jersey and they drink it. And when they're done with it, it goes to Philadelphia and they bottle it and sell it to California. Texas is shipping so many illegal aliens to New York City that the Yankee Stadium has a green card night. Oh, you don't think that's funny, you fucking asshole. Did it go over your fucking head? I went to see that movie, Oppenheimer. Can't these fags in Hollywood tell a story in an hour and a half, three fucking hours? I'm waiting for them to drop those bombs on those flat faced Japs. When are they gonna drop those bombs on those flat faced fucking Japs? You woke fuckers. You ruined. You can't even make a war movie now. So everybody's going to say it at once. Put it up on the screen. Everybody make believe I'm Billy Joel and sing along. Billy Joel could kill somebody on fifth Avenue and you'd still buy Billy Joel tickets. You know how many ushers have quit because of Billy Joel being here for fucking 10 years. Police officers are retiring because they don't want to work the fucking show. There was a guy who was an usher, he went home and he heard a Billy Joel song on the radio and he drove his fucking car off the bridge. How much do you like Billy Joe? You don't even jack off when you sweat. Do we really need women's basketball? Some flat ass skinny bitch throwing a basketball? We got men's basketball. It's like buying an air freshener for a convertible. What do you do after you see a women's basketball game? Go in the parking lot and kill yourself. Women's basketball? Give me a break. Why don't you learn how to cook first, bitch? Why do you want to do men shit? Why do you want to do men's shit? I'm not used to somebody liking what I have to say. Excuse me, I'm startled. All you got to do in life is mind your own business, your own family's business, Be full of love and gratitude and mind your own business. I give abortions in my garage on the weekend. That's my business. That's not your own business. I'm getting better at it. If you see that kid coming off the bus with the coat hanger hanging out of his sleeve, that's my work. Yeah, women shouldn't be doing sports. It's like that bitch who was driving the race car. What was her name? Packety Backpack. Every time she got in the race there was a fucking accident. That 110 pounds, driving a big, big engine. What the. My sister never travels. My sister Terry is here. Teresa, no passport, hates to travel. She was watching the Olympics and she saw that guy with the big heart. Now she wants to go to France and suck his dick.

[Sal Volcano]

So that's great.

[David Attell]

I don't know why this is so low. I told him I needed it higher. I don't want to touch it. I don't know how to do anything with my hands. I don't want to fucking touch. You want to see my impression? This is my impression of Robin Williams. He was a crazy comic. Oh, yeah, he was crazy. He was crazy.

[Joe Biden]

Yeah.

[David Attell]

That's for the real comedy aficionos. My impression of bob saget. What, did you expect her to kill Tony? Show. You. Sit down, you. It's kind of hard to concentrate on what you want to say with this, you know? I am so sick and tired of recycling. You're not going to save the blue planet. It's over. Throw it away. Just throw it the fuck away. I need gasoline. I need fuel for my car. I need hot showers. I don't give a fuck. How are you gonna stop cows from farting? They say the temperature's rising in the ocean. What do you want me to do? Go down to 711 and buy a. What are you telling me this for? I don't have an oil company. The water level is right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no. You're losing the right side over there.

[David Attell]

Hey, fuck yourself.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, the dark force of nature on the uncensored stream. The one and only Brian Holtzman. Ladies and gentlemen. We gotta keep it moving quick. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna bring up one of our favorite regulars ever here to do a brand new minute.

[Brian Redband]

Sing it if you know the words. This is Hans Kim.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Skim. This is Hans Skim. This is Hans Skim. This is Hans Skim. This is Hans Skim.

[Brian Redband]

Hey,

[Martin Phillips]

what's up? It's great to see the President's here. We got Kamala Harris running for president now, which is a fucking joke. I think we should have a completely separate political system. Dressed for women. We can call it the W. USA. You can do all the layups you want over there. We're fighting for oil here. I think a president should be able to stand up when he pees. I don't even know how women pee. I think they just soak their flaps and wait for it to drip down. But I don't get to see a lot of pussies. It's Pretty tough for me. Sometimes I wish I could take a time machine back to my Asian ancestors before they left Africa and be like, stop moving right now. If you keep going that way, your dicks are going to get smaller. All right, thank you so much, Hawaii.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're running in overtime. I had to get the show over quickly. I'm gonna send you on your way. There he goes, the great.

[Martin Phillips]

Thank you guys so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Another regular, actually. Let's bring a legend up, ladies and gentlemen. We're moving fast. You guys having fun? You enjoying this? I present to you one of the reasons why we're all here. This man's mother started the club that I was able to work this show out in here to grace us with his presence.

[Brian Redband]

Make some noise for living legend Pauly Shore.

[Pauly Shore]

I know we're in new. In New York City. You're not supposed to say this, but thank God there's not a another New York comedian on this stage. I knew that wasn't going to get a laugh. You're supposed to give me a rim shot right there. Anyways, so anyways, thank you guys for coming out. My name is Pauly Shore, and this is what I look like now. Thank you. A lot of people ask me every day when I'm gonna do another movie. I'm like, fuck you. Fucking tell me, bro. You know what I'm fucking saying? I'm staying in the East Village. You guys know the East Village? I like the East Village. Cause there's a lot of hipsters. You guys know what a hipster is? They basically dress how I dressed back in the fucking 90s. I was there the other. I was there the other day. I saw some guy walking down the street. Look like a fucking Steven Tyler's fucking microphone stand, bro. But I go to this juice bar, this juice bar in the East Village. It's pretty fucking cool. Do you guys like juice bars? Where you walk in, it's like carrots, apples, ginger. The cool part about the juice bar is the dude working there can look at you and tell you what juice he thinks you need based on the pigmentation in your skin. So I walk in last week, I'm like, what the fuck should I get? He goes, bro, you could use a face melter. I'm like, what's in it? He's like, cayenne pepper or olive oregano and lemon ginger. It'll build up your immune system. You have aids, right? My name's Paula Shore, not Tony Hinchcliffe, bro.

[Brian Redband]

Good night, ladies and gentlemen. Make some fucking noise for Pauly Shore, we are in the speed round of Kiltoni. Ladies and gentlemen, keeping it moving. I present to you one of the

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

greatest regulars of all time, Kill Tony,

[Brian Redband]

hall of Famer and dark roast.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God.

[Brian Redband]

This is David Lucas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah,

[David Lucas]

I think racism needs to make a comeback. It was better times back then. Because what would you rather battle racism or this gay shit going on right now? Like, what's scarier? A redneck in a pillowcase or a 64 fag with a hard dick? You know what I'm saying? Like, if Lebron James wanted to fuck you, what are you gonna do about it? You gonna, you gonna outrun this nigga? You gonna out jump this nigga? No, you're gonna be a tired fuck motherfucker. Like, that's why I love carrying a gun, you know what I'm saying? Because my biggest fear is getting beat up by a gay nigga.

[Brian Oyola]

You know,

[David Lucas]

you imagine some gay nigga grab you and put you in the head like, and be like, go to sleep, bitch. And then he suck your dick. I love having. I love having a belly because I can carry a big ass gun. I put it right below my fucking belly, and when I pull it out, my belly put one in the chamber. You know what I'm saying? It's like, what's happening, nigga? All right, that's my time. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The great David Lucas, Writer, performer. Yeah, roaster.

[Brian Redband]

Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here he is, live in the flesh.

[Brian Redband]

God damn.

[David Lucas]

We got loose neck harlot up in this bitch.

[Martin Phillips]

Hell yeah.

[David Lucas]

That nigga got a pocket pussy on his throat. You gotta fuck that nigga throat to get into the Illuminati.

[Audience Member / Interjection]

Look who's talking. Look at that hair. It looks like a squid is date raping the back of your head. I mean, the kids love, love this guy in the summer, man, they shove a garden hose up his ass and his hair turns into a water wiggle.

[David Lucas]

Necrophilia is when somebody your throat.

[Dave Chappelle]

I'm sorry, I misacked. I left the kid in the car.

[David Lucas]

So what's up, David?

[Dave Chappelle]

Man, East Coast, I love it.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, it was cool, man. What's up, Joe Biden?

[Donald Trump]

Donald Trump, what's up?

[Joe Biden]

What's up, David? Aren't you doing Disney's remake of Kool Aid?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Man?

[Donald Trump]

He is. We're working on it. He's gonna break in. He's gonna break in and he's gonna drink himself and

[Joe Biden]

you know, David, actually I was, I was. I've spent billions of dollars on climate change research to get sea levels to stop rising. And David, that Up with one cannonball in the ocean Ocean.

[David Lucas]

Joe Biden. You look like Mrs. Doubtfire's husband. Shut your.

[Joe Biden]

David, I know you're on tour. Is that why all these Boeing planes are crashing?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Wow.

[David Lucas]

Don't clap at that, y'.

[Donald Trump]

All.

[Joe Biden]

You're a good American.

[David Lucas]

No, they're crashing because you keep hiring this.

[Brian Redband]

Okay?

[Interjection / Audience]

You know, a can't work on a plane.

[David Lucas]

They can work on a Chevrolet, but not a plane.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

David, we absolutely.

[David Lucas]

Oh, thank you, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know we gotta get out. Hate to cut it.

[Brian Oyola]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're in overtime right now. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Roast God. David Lucas, another amazing Austin comedian. It's crazy what's going on in Austin with Joe Rogan.

[Brian Redband]

I was.

[Donald Trump]

Tony, I'd love for you to stop talking about fucking Austin for one second. I. I think it's obvious. New York is probably the best. And I will say this. The reason I'm saying this is we don't have absolute cowards like little Joe Rogan telling us what to do up here. Little Joe, he came in, he said. Said he wants to endorse RFK Jr. Can you believe this? Joe Rogan is an absolute joke and a complete pussy. And if I ever saw him, I would whoop his bitch ass. What a coward. Joe Rogan, complete coward. And it's frankly, he's an embarrassment to this country. He used to be such a powerful.

[Brian Redband]

What a guy.

[Donald Trump]

What a great guy.

[Brian Redband]

What a.

[Donald Trump]

What an amazing American this man is. Joe Rogan, what a true patriot. Great man. I would never say anything negative about this man.

[Brian Redband]

What a guy.

[Donald Trump]

What a guy. Everybody agrees. This is one of the best guys we talk about. We say Austin. Austin, Texas is great. Joe Rogan is great. Frankly, Joe Rogan is the best. And everyone knows it. And I love rfk. Who doesn't love rfk? He's a great guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know you were butthurt because I

[Donald Trump]

didn't endorse you as president, but I

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

do want to endorse someone tonight.

[Donald Trump]

It wasn't endorsing the rfk. I'm gonna endorse this next gentleman. One of the greatest people that's ever lived. Ladies and gentlemen, Joey Diaz.

[Brian Redband]

Oh, my God. The king has arrived.

[David Attell]

What's happen?

[Brian Redband]

Joey Diaz, light the.

[Interjection / Audience]

Is going on here one more time. Kill Tony and Brian putting this thing together one more time. If I'm your president, we're gonna get down. We're gonna bring New York to what it was, was. We're gonna throw the migrants out anyway. I love you. I grew up in this. You understand? Me grew up in this. One time I came in here, I had so many Quaaludes in me, they put me in the handicap section. They're like, go over there. You're too up. Another time, I. I used to come here for the Search Circus. Let me tell you something. They had no net. They weren't. If the guy fell it, the clown swept them off. And then they came to a lion. Kids would be crying. Your kids from the Bronx would be cheering.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah, yeah.

[Interjection / Audience]

Kill the. Whatever his name is. The wizard. I love you. Joe Diaz for President 2025.

[Brian Redband]

Joey Diaz, ladies and gentlemen, Ladies and gentlemen, one last special treat before we put a ribbon on this thing. Joey, come hang out with us real quick. Joey. Joey.

[Donald Trump]

Joey, come back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, ladies and gentlemen, one last special treat for you here to throw

[Brian Redband]

out some custom kill Tony fucking Footballs to the audience, I'd like to present to you the quarterback of the New York Jets, Aaron Rodgers.

[David Attell]

Ha.

[Brian Redband]

Usa. Usa. Roll that video. Announcing our next arena shows. Let's get that promo going while this is happening. Ladies and gentlemen, aaron rodgers. Donald trump. Joe biden. Shane gillis. Adam ray. The great davitel. Joe rogan. Brian holtzman. Cam patterson.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Casey rocket.

[Brian Redband]

Hans cam. Paulie shore. Jeff ross. Sal volcano. Ari maddy. Ari shafir. Jim norton. Martin phillips. Joe derosa. Aaron belial. Harlan williams. William montgomery. The black keys. Marcus king. Matt muhling. John dees. Dee. Baton.

[Michael Palumbo]

Burroughs.

[Brian Redband]

Burroughs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Horns.

[Brian Redband]

Michael gonzalez. On the drums, heidi and valerie vaughn. The ring girls. The great jet ski johnson. The artists, ryan j. E belt. Chris rogers with art. What a fucking blowout. We love you, you. God bless new york city. We did it. Comedy history. We love you. Maybe we'll do it again next year, huh? We love you. Thank you. Yeah. We're going to the HEV center again. Tickets go on sale next week, New Year's Eve in Austin, Texas. Thank you to Notorious Productions, the Comedy Store, the entire Shore family. One more time for hall of Famer Adam Ray. Shane Gillis. The roastmaster general, Jeffrey Ross. Two amazing nights from Jim Norton, Brian Redband. I'm Tony Hinchcliff. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good night. Sa. Sam.