#683 - TOM SEGURA

Summary

Kill Tony #683 with Guest Tom Segura – Summary & Highlights

Date: September 17, 2024
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, Texas
Guest: Tom Segura
Host(s): Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban

Episode Overview

This high-energy installment of Kill Tony features major comedian and Austin resident Tom Segura as the solo guest. The episode focuses on the classic Kill Tony mix: live stand-up from bucket-drawn comedians, witty and often savage interview segments, and improv riffs between the hosts, guest, and The Best Damn Band in the Land. The show is rich in local Austin references, inside comedy, and brutal but funny feedback. Tom Segura brings trademark dry wit and supportive insights, and there are memorable sets and interviews with regulars and newcomers.

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Key Segments & Highlights

1. Opening & Guest Introduction (00:41 – 03:15)

• Tony Hinchcliffe hypes the "bucket" process and the show’s energy.
• Welcomes Tom Segura:
  • "Sometimes we have three guests, sometimes two, sometimes one that is so good..." (01:45)
  • Recaps Tom's upcoming shows and Austin residency.

2. Set by Regular Ari Bhatti – "The Estonian Assassin" (05:29 – 09:22)

• Ari riffs on the difference between Texas and Seattle attitudes.
  • Jokes about American pride and his first impressions of Buc-ee's.
  • [Notable Quote]
    • “If you don’t like America, go check out Ukraine. Try to get an oatmeal latte in downtown Kiev, you ungrateful bitch.” — Ari Bhatti (06:30)
  • Graphic, funny Burrito/Texas gastrointestinal stories arise.
    • Hinchcliffe: “That Texas cheesesteak burrito fucks me up 100% of the time for a few hours.” (10:03)

3. Panel Banter: Buc-ee's, Texas Culture & Theft Conspiracies (08:01 – 12:12)

• Segura shares personal Buc-ee's takes:
  • "If you come to Texas, you have to go." (10:49)
• Tony’s conspiracy theory that cashiers skip ringing up items for customers.
• Fat/camo stereotypes and comics roast each other over food and fashion.

4. Bucket Pull – Trey Campbell (13:52 – 26:47)

• Set deals with moving to Austin, truck gender jokes, getting married, Lucky Charms/eating habits, and Kanye West.
• Interview turns into a deep dive on Trey's diet, upcoming wedding, fiancée’s occupation (senior home sales), and quirky relationship dynamics.
  • [Notable Exchange]
    • Hinchcliffe: "You look like a leprechaun that only eats Lucky Charms." (16:23)
    • Trey: "Back when I was a kid, I would only eat the marshmallows out of the cereal."
    • Segura: "Dude, we know. Come on." (16:37)
  • Trey's $350 inheritance bit—a highlight of self-deprecating comedy.
  • Relationship/sex talk is graphic and funny, including a riff on "69" logistics with a tall partner.
    • Hinchcliffe: “Where do you think things are gonna end up when you 69? Are you ready to toss her belly button?” (24:24)

5. Surprise Set by Trey's Fiancée, Lindsay Tyree (27:09 – 33:59)

• Lindsay’s set includes autism self-deprecation, bold stage presence:
  • “My pronouns are fee, fi, fo, fum.” (27:25)
• Couple's dynamic explored; Tony and Tom riff on their relationship (and cupcakes, cats, height).
• Notable for its supportiveness and playfully raunchy tone.

6. Grinch Martinez (34:54 – 43:28)

• Alex Jones and Tiger Woods jokes, audience pushback, and banter about bombing.
• "I have two kids... pandemic... haven't had the wedding yet."
• Panel riffs on standup in shorts and Grinch's Navy background (with suspicion).

7. Drew Nickens & TBI Comedy (44:03 – 53:33)

• Drew's set is about living with a traumatic brain injury (TBI), making dark jokes.
• Initial confusion over “TBI” gets ironed out ("I thought you said TV Guide!” – Tony, 45:51).
• Tom Segura provides real advice: clarify setups and mix in long-form explanations for clarity.
  • “You can say it once, the long form, and say, or as we call it, TBIs, and then you have that for the rest of your set.” — Tom Segura (47:19)
• Discussion on how TBI changed Drew’s life, including new love for polka music and depression struggles, capped with dark humor about calling a suicide hotline (“I always use a fake name. When I use it, I’m always Mickey.” — Drew, 50:43).

8. Roman Schmidt: Dark Side of Nice Guy (54:34 – 64:13)

• Tight, hilarious set about small-town racism, being an altar boy, and Austin homeless encounters.
• Segment turns to Roman’s “nice Wisconsin boy” persona vs. his dark sense of humor (laughing during Saving Private Ryan, watching people die on TikTok).
  • Tom Segura: “Don’t forget how fucking dark you really are. All this nice Madison boy bullshit... You are a sick, demented person.” (63:13)
• Great advice from Tom and Tony on leaning into his real comedic voice.

9. Regular Cam Patterson: Old Cars & Acting Auditions (65:05 – 73:38)

• Cam crushes with bits on driving a 2003 Acura vs. Teslas and failed acting auditions.
  • “If I don’t put a seatbelt on, fuck, nigga, you wanna die? Let’s die, brother!” (66:04)
• Improv scene with Tony as a patient, Cam as “Dr. Dre.”
• Tom Segura: “He’s great, man.” (73:38)
• Cam is recognized as a clear breakout star.

10. More Bucket Pulls: Mike Ivey, Patrick Cassiday, Scotty Heim, Pat Bautista (73:59 – 117:27)

• Mike Ivey: Chick Fil A/fast-food cult bit, claims "most stage time at Hilarities in Cleveland," panel doubts but riffs along.
• Patrick Cassiday:
  • Emotional, real story—started standup after caring for ailing dad, fulfilling a promise made before his death.
  • “So he made me promise when he passed that I’d come out here and I’d do this. And he passed in April...” (85:45)
  • Gains audience and panel support; candid advice from Tom.
• Scotty Heim:
  • Corny Iowa/Midwest material, gay bar adventures, and “king bed” anecdotes; panel turns to homoerotic riffing, resulting in crowd-pleasing dance challenge.
• Pat Bautista:
  • Disjointed set about Austin's "big moths," openly admits to being high onstage; Tom gives strong advice to save the weed for after the set.
  • Best joke challenge: monkey feet/OnlyFans bit earns him 6 minutes on the Secret Show.

11. Regular Spotlight: William Montgomery Closes (118:52 – 128:43)

• William is high and in classic deadpan form: Lizzo, Hall & Oates, Zyn pouches, and Redban as “Honky Kong.”
  • “Just for the record, I’m high as fuck right now, man.” (118:52)
• Nostalgic stories of wild cocaine-fueled Comedy Store days, heartfelt thanks to Tom for giving him a big break, reveals cameo earnings, shares his comedy burnout and thriftiness.
  • “Every Kill Tony you’ve ever seen me at at the Comedy Store, I was high on cocaine and vodka Sprite.” (121:40)
  • “I get the real versions of Oreos… that’s kind of it!” (127:34)
• Surreal, perfect closing to a classic episode.

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Notable Quotes & Moments with Timestamps

• Ari Bhatti: “If you don’t like America, go check out Ukraine. Try to get an oatmeal latte in downtown Kiev, you ungrateful bitch.” (06:30)
• Tony Hinchcliffe: “That Texas cheesesteak burrito fucks me up 100% of the time for a few hours.” (10:03)
• Trey Campbell: “Back when I was a kid, I would only eat the marshmallows out of the cereal.” (16:30)
• Lindsay Tyree (pronouns joke): “My pronouns are fee, fi, fo, fum.” (27:25)
• Drew Nickens: “I always use a fake name [on suicide hotline]. When I use it, I’m always Mickey.” (50:43)
• Tom Segura to Roman Schmidt: “Don’t forget how fucking dark you really are. All this nice Madison boy bullshit… You are a sick, demented person.” (63:13)
• Cam Patterson: “If I don’t put a seatbelt on. Fuck, nigga, you wanna die? Let’s die, brother!” (66:04)
• William Montgomery: “Every Kill Tony you’ve ever seen me at at the Comedy Store, I was high on cocaine and vodka Sprite.” (121:40)
• William Montgomery: “I get the real versions of Oreos… that’s kind of it!” (127:34)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [00:41] - Show open
• [03:06] - Tom Segura joins
• [05:29] - Ari Bhatti’s set
• [08:01] - Buc-ee's/food discussion
• [13:52] - Trey Campbell’s set/interview
• [27:09] - Lindsay Tyree’s set
• [34:54] - Grinch Martinez’s set
• [44:03] - Drew Nickens’ TBI set
• [54:34] - Roman Schmidt set/interview
• [65:05] - Cam Patterson set/sketch
• [73:59] - Mike Ivey’s set
• [83:56] - Patrick Cassiday’s story
• [93:09] - Scotty Heim’s set/interview
• [101:41] - Pat Bautista’s set/interview
• [118:52] - William Montgomery closes

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Episode Tone & Takeaways

The episode features classic Kill Tony high/low comedy: sharp roasts, gross-out stories, vulnerability, and absurd riffs. Tom Segura is supportive and insightful, giving practical advice on comedy clarity, substance use, and on-stage presence. Standout moments include Ari and Cam’s regular sets, the couple (Trey & Lindsay) dynamic, Drew's TBI honesty, Roman’s dark reveal, and the pure chaos of William Montgomery.

For newcomers: Expect a wild ride—anything can happen, and both aspiring and seasoned comics get skewered, supported, and occasionally inspired onstage.

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End of Summary

Transcript

[Patrick Cassiday]

Tony,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Redmond coming to

[Ryan J E Belt]

you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Get up for Tony Hitchcock. Ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Fuck yeah. Make some noise for Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen. And how about some noise for the best damn band in the land, huh? Is that some diabolical shit or what? My goodness, what an amazing show. You guys made it to the number one live podcast in the world. This is Kill Tony, brought to you by hellofresh, Squarespace and game time. Lot of fun stuff ahead. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy club in Austin,

[Trey Campbell]

Texas is now open.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode? You know, sometimes we have three guests, sometimes we have two, sometimes we have one. That is so good that I just like to hang out, let the show breathe, make it about the bucket pools and the regulars, and jam with one of our favorite comedians in the world, ladies and gentlemen. You know him from all of his hit absolute hit specials, his hit podcast, the man is Untouchable. And it is Austin's own Tom Segura. Oh, my God. Let's fucking go, baby. Yes. Resident of Austin, Texas, doing The Moody Center, February 22nd here in beautiful Austin, the Ball Arena, September 14th. Huge show happening. Welcome back, Tom.

[Tom Segura]

Thanks for having me. Am I supposed to sit here or here?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's sit here. Oh, okay. Stay cozy just in case someone hangs. I like being joins us later. Welcome, Tom.

[Tom Segura]

Thanks for having me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've been on the show numerous times. We're so excited to have you here at home base where sometimes crazy really happens.

[Tom Segura]

I have seen some crazy on your show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, we can have, you know, some

[Tom Segura]

derelicts that walk out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, sometimes I'm able to get some real answers out of these people here, these bucket pools, and find out more about them that we can't find out in the nervous arenas or even at the ACL live theater that we did that one time. So we're going to try to make some magic happen here tonight. 252 human beings, names are inside of this bucket. Most of them piled into the bar across the street in which we have a wrangler. Go and grab them after I pull their name out. Some of them, a few of them assuredly are inside. Anybody inside sign up tonight? Clap your hands. Oh, yeah. Look at that retard. Fingers crossed that we get someone from the bar across the street. If I pull someone's name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up. When you hear the sound of a kitty, that means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them abruptly. And then I interview them and we find out more about them. We talk to them about what makes their lives special. Who knows? Maybe as of late, there's been trivia, there's been spelling bees. Anything can happen. Ladies and gentlemen, are you guys ready to start tonight's show? I pulled the first name. They're wrangling that person from across the street. While that happens, why don't we get one of our regulars up here, huh? You guys are fans of the show, right? How many of you watch every week? Well, then I think. I think you will be very excited to find out that the first comedian doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight is an instant legend on the show. Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, he is in a hurry to become a citizen of the United States of America. I present to you the Estonian assassin, Ari. Mary.

[Ari Bhatti]

What's up? I just moved to Texas. I love it. Bucky's all day. What I love about Texas is that you guys are, like, proud to be American. And I love that energy, you know? Cause the first time I came to America, this was a couple of years ago, I went to Seattle. Very different vibe,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

dude.

[Ari Bhatti]

I go to Seattle, I'm hyped. I'm ready to go off the plane. I watch Saving Pride.

[Ryan J E Belt]

Ryan.

[Ari Bhatti]

Back to back three times. I'm hyped. I'm ready to shoot somebody. You know, let's fucking storm the Capitol and shit. And then I get to Seattle. Everybody walks around. Every bitch I met had, like, green

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

hair,

[Ari Bhatti]

such low blood pressure, you know, Every conversation I had in Seattle, they were all like, you know, America is built on a racist agenda. Who gives a fuck? You're here on the winning side. If you don't like America, go check out Ukraine. Try to get an oatmeal latte in downtown Kiev. You ungrateful bitch. If you don't like America, give me your passport. Thank you very much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. He's done it again. The full flower flex. 1 minute, 45 seconds. The bear is afraid of Ari. Maddie, he goes in hiding. Tom, this is your first time?

[Tom Segura]

That was my first time seeing it. Yeah. That was great, man. And you know your crowd, they ate that up, bro. Way to go Hell USA They USA

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

usa USA Hell yeah. Ooh, the lights be wild for USA I love it. Very good fucking fun topics the whole way through. You know, you mentioned BUC EE's for those people around the world, a huge part of our listeners are global.

[Ari Bhatti]

I went there today for the first time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, how would you explain. Explain your first impression of Buc EE's.

[Ari Bhatti]

There was a rubber boat, burritos, jackets, condoms, gums, guns, a holster for fish hook. Whatever you want, we got

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

is.

[Ryan J E Belt]

What do you want?

[Ari Bhatti]

I think there was a hooker in the back for 50 bucks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. It is truly unbelievable. I was there yesterday, coming back from College Station. I went to the A and M Notre Dame game with our good friend Shane Gillis and a friend of the show, Johnny Manziel. And I came back and I was so excited about this Buc EE's stop in Bastrop. About 35 minutes out, I get a Texas cheesesteak burrito. Has anybody ever tried this from Buc EE's? It's unbelievable.

[Ari Bhatti]

I had that too, by the way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You had it? Yes.

[Ari Bhatti]

I mean, my European belly can't handle. Dude. My little European asshole trying to squeeze out that American turd. Brother, you can fuck me tonight. Easy, dude. Yeah, my asshole is all stretched out, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. Holy shit.

[Ari Bhatti]

I still have diarrhea currently. Right now. Yeah, A little piece of shit in my pants.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It really is one of those things, the Texas cheesesteak burrito. While being perhaps, I mean, bite after bite, one of the most delicious things. It is truly risk reward. That should be next to that in the dictionary. A picture of the Buc ee's Texas cheesesteak burrito. Because even my stomach full of Italian red sauce, my entire life, and men's cum. I beat you to it. I could tell the wheels were turning there. Son of a. Tony's gay. There you go. Tony's gay. Tony's gay. All right, all right, that's enough.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But even me. And I have a furiously strong digestive stomach. Like, it's one thing I just never have problems with, but even me, that Texas cheesesteak burrito fucks me up 100% of the time for a few hours. And I learned yesterday that if you do a minute and a half in the cold plunge after having one, you're good. That's what it takes. It takes 45 degrees Fahrenheit at 90 seconds, and it cures all your problems.

[Tom Segura]

The diarrhea goes away.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I didn't. I beat it. I beat it to the diarrhe. Diarrhea. It doesn't cause diarrhea. I didn't. Diarrhea in the cold plunge that would have been.

[Mike Ivey]

Becomes a pop.

[Tom Segura]

Fun story.

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A whole fudgesicle, if you will. I love it, though. It's great stuff. You've been to a buc ee's?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, God, yeah. Of course. It's an experience.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It really is.

[Tom Segura]

If you come to Texas, you have to go absolutely. Yourself.

[Cam Patterson]

Go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have to go.

[Tom Segura]

There's. It's. I mean, it's useless, but it's so fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. And cheap shit. I like their swag like that. It's like a hat.

[Tom Segura]

It's a fucking boat. That's a cup. And you're like, okay.

[Ari Bhatti]

And also, I don't know how the payment works there. Like, I could have stolen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like,

[Ari Bhatti]

hey, Americans steal shit. Nobody fucking who looks at shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have a conspiracy theory. I probably obviously shouldn't mention it on this show, but I have a little theory that they purposefully don't ring everything up. Just. Did you notice this at all?

[Ari Bhatti]

I mean.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Anybody else notice this? Is that a thing that they do on purpose?

[Patrick Cassiday]

Like, really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, what do you mean?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pretty sure. So, like, if you get a ton of. Yeah, I think they like go. Like I've said. I've had it happen a few times.

[Tom Segura]

Just have some of it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They don't say that, but they're like, your totals, $32. You have like a ton of. And a. And a jacket like that. Well, you got the whole jumpsuit.

[Tom Segura]

How much was that?

[Ari Bhatti]

$12.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is the most magical place on earth. Hot nuts and. Yeah.

[Ari Bhatti]

And I've never seen so many fat people in camel. Dude, that deer is going to see

[Tom Segura]

you

[Ari Bhatti]

with your fat fucking face. This is big red fucking Alec Baldwin head. Hey, Tom, you used to be fat, right?

[Tom Segura]

Yes, yes yes. But I didn't wear camo. I was shit.

[Ari Bhatti]

Money makes a difference.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. It could also help you get citizenship. So just try to get some bilibi. You got a long way to go with that. But I hope you get it, dude. I hope you get it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And if you don't get it, just cover yourself in camo and hide in with the rest of us. Ari. Maddie, you did it again. Thank you so much. Another brand new. Thank you, Guildon. Unbelievable set.

[Tom Segura]

That was great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was great. I mean, the show has begun. You're in it. And now to the bucket we go. This is obviously the part where shit gets crazy. Could be anybody, could be a star of the future. We found all of our regulars and golden ticket winners through this bucket. Could be a crazy person. Could be a 15 year veteran that's swallowed his pride and come here to try to make it. Could be somebody who's starting tonight. Either way, they've waited for hours. They signed up and the moment is theirs. Your first bucket pool of the night goes by the name of Trey Campbell. Make some noise for Trey, everybody.

[Trey Campbell]

Hey, everybody. I just moved to Austin recently. I'm really excited. The other day I was driving on the street and I saw a bumper sticker and it said, silly boys, trucks are for girls. But I looked at the bumper sticker and it was on a Nissan Altima. And I was like, oh, that's cool. This city's so progressive, even the cars here are trans. I'm getting married. Me and my wife were riding in the car the other day and she was all like, I need to go to church. I need a closer relationship with God. And I was like, you just overdosed on whippets the other day. How much closer to God do you want to get. Any Kanye west fans in here? Kanye just released a new album on Vultures. One of the albums, one of the lines he says, beautiful big titty butt naked women don't just fall out the sky, you know? And I heard that and I was like, damn, those are bars. But clearly, Kanye west wasn't in New York City on September 11, 2001.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Trey Campbell, looking for validation throughout his entire set from Tom and I, paying no attention to the 350 people in front of him. Did not care if you guys were laughing whatsoever.

[Trey Campbell]

No, I care.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just fully focused on him and I after each punchline.

[Trey Campbell]

We have that bond, me and you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now we don't.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, no. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Trey Campbell]

I was just trying to look.

[Tom Segura]

That was very funny, man. That was very funny.

[Trey Campbell]

Thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Were you happy? Did you happen to be wearing camo at a Buc EE's earlier? Ari Bhatti describes someone that looks shockingly like you.

[Trey Campbell]

It might have been me. It depends on which buc ee's you were at.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Trey Campbell]

Cuz we were at the one in Bass Drop, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, whoa. Look at that.

[Trey Campbell]

Might have been me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Might have been you. You were there today.

[Trey Campbell]

No, it was like a couple weeks ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Looks like you had a few cheesesteak burritos.

[Trey Campbell]

Hell, yeah. I like their pulled pork sandwiches. Their pulled pork sandwiches go hard, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red band agreeing.

[Trey Campbell]

They go hard going in and coming out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Wow. And they made you go soft. Look.

[Trey Campbell]

How true. I don't know, man. I'VE been doing pretty good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Tell us more. What has your diet been like lately? What exactly is it? Because you look like a leprechaun that only eats Lucky Charms.

[Trey Campbell]

So that is true. Back when I was a kid, I would only eat the lucky. Like the marshmallows out of the cereal.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, we know. Come on.

[Trey Campbell]

Thank you.

[Patrick Cassiday]

Come on.

[Trey Campbell]

You would be correct.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us some more of the wild fat boy things that you've done. Marshmallows only out of Lucky Charms. Can you give us some more examples?

[Trey Campbell]

Well, I would take some of those honey buns and I would put them in the microwave. And then I would take them out and I'd put syrup on the honey bun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, fucking hell. Dude.

[Trey Campbell]

It's pretty good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my.

[Trey Campbell]

Can you believe somebody's gonna marry me?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is someone marrying you?

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're getting married?

[Roman Schmidt]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm engaged.

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who are you engaged to?

[Trey Campbell]

Her name is Lindsay. We met in line for your show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable. There you go. Kill Tony, making miracles happen. Where did you move from?

[Trey Campbell]

I moved from Houston.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. I was gonna guess Oz. Houston. That is incredible. And what does Lindsay do for a living?

[Trey Campbell]

She sells, like, apartments to old people.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, she's like a scammer.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Trey Campbell]

Depends on who you ask.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why?

[Tom Segura]

Really specific.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ryan J E Belt]

Are you old?

[Tom Segura]

You want to buy something? Like.

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah, for real. Just come on down. I'll get your information.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What makes her target old people?

[Trey Campbell]

I don't know. I think she just works in one of those seedier facilities where she. I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a senior home.

[Tom Segura]

It's not.

[Trey Campbell]

Pretty much. Yeah. She's like, the director of sales.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. So she gets people not apartments, but into a nursing home?

[Trey Campbell]

That too. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Absolutely. And you guys met. What was your big line with her? What was your opening?

[Trey Campbell]

She came up to me. She was like, hey, you're really cool. You're really funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She saw you on the show before?

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah, that's about it. We just kind of started talking about, like, the Smiths.

[Roman Schmidt]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And the rest is history. I now know what she looks like just from that description. That's all that it took. Dark hair?

[Trey Campbell]

No, she's got. Well, she has, like, red hair. She dyed it red.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Yeah.

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh. A lot of makeup.

[Trey Campbell]

A little bit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Trey Campbell]

She's beautiful.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I bet.

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

To be with, to settle for a boy like you. I bet she's a real supermodel.

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah, I think so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let me guess. Six foot five? No.

[Trey Campbell]

That's close.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? She's big.

[Trey Campbell]

She's six.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know this girl? Oh, yeah, I've met her many times. Wow. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club. All the biggest comedians in the world.

[Trey Campbell]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Some 6 foot 5 open micrs rolling in there. Still a lot of space. No bump in their heads on those ceilings, I promise you that. Notoriously high ceilings. A great place for someone six five to perform. Incredible. And remind us, what do you do for work exactly?

[Trey Campbell]

Actually, now I moved here and I got a job in News Radio.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

News Radio? No better time. Perhaps a locomotive is next for you. Perhaps the newspaper.

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah, yeah. It's the way of the future.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Radio. News Radio. What exactly are you doing for News Radio?

[Trey Campbell]

Usually I run the board. I'll answer the phone calls. A lot of people call in and say a lot of crazy shit. Somebody. It's a political talk show. So, yeah, somebody called and said Biden gave his dog cocaine. That was pretty cool.

[Tom Segura]

That's not impossible.

[Trey Campbell]

It's not. I mean, they found it in the White House, so it's not the craziest thing.

[Tom Segura]

Can you make a living doing that?

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah, make about 15 an hour.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Grinch Martinez]

All right.

[Trey Campbell]

So I guess it depends on what she's gotta sell. A lot of apartments.

[Tom Segura]

Living is. Yeah, that's relative. I got it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you been dating this girl that you're marrying?

[Trey Campbell]

We've been dating since February.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This February?

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And. And when did you get engaged?

[Trey Campbell]

We got engaged in May, by the hi, how are you? Mural.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And what made you do it so quickly there, Trey?

[Trey Campbell]

I just. When you know, you know. And we just fit together.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, that's not true at all.

[Trey Campbell]

I love her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, well, I. I bet you do. I bet you do. Do you have any inheritances or anything?

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah, I got about. I got some. Yeah, I got some inheritances.

[Pat Bautista]

Yeah.

[Trey Campbell]

You want me to talk about it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, let's talk about it. Why not? We've never asked that question in 11 and a half years. Who better to ask about his inheritances than you, the most adorable little thank you, Oompa Loompa I've ever seen in my life. Incredible.

[Trey Campbell]

No, my dad passed away in 2021, and he left me some money.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, ballpark it. How much?

[Trey Campbell]

About 350.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that's pretty good.

[Trey Campbell]

So you left me about $350.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you're being silly. Was it 350,000?

[Trey Campbell]

Maybe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, any other inheritances? Let's go through. It's a little segment we call Trey's Inheritances Everybody.

[Trey Campbell]

No, that's about it. He left me like a. He Left me two trailers and he left me some four wheelers and a boat. Anybody who wants to buy some four wheelers and a boat. You want to buy a four wheeler? Tony or Tom or Red Ben or.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I. I'd want one where the shocks and struts aren't used by you.

[Trey Campbell]

I haven't rode it in like 10 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You imagine hitting a bump on that?

[Trey Campbell]

Fuck, that's funny.

[Tom Segura]

Are you living in the trailers?

[Trey Campbell]

No, not anymore.

[Tom Segura]

What, did you sell them?

[Trey Campbell]

No, not yet. I'm trying to.

[Tom Segura]

Are you going to run them out or what do you do?

[Trey Campbell]

That's the goal.

[Tom Segura]

They're just sitting empty?

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah, they're just kind of sitting there desolate. A lot of my clothes are in there. This is a lot of clothes I can't wear anymore.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is your lip blue right now? Am I noticing that?

[Trey Campbell]

I think it's the black lipstick because like I kissed my wife before I came up here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow.

[Cam Patterson]

Wow.

[Trey Campbell]

I get a little bit worried when she kisses me on the face.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She wears a lot of black lipstick.

[Roman Schmidt]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That a Smith's fan would have black lipstick like that. That's incredible. It's absolutely shocking. When I pictured her, I totally didn't picture anything like that.

[Trey Campbell]

I think you'd like her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah?

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah, she's cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why do you think I'd like her?

[Trey Campbell]

I don't know. You just seem like someone who'd like her. She's six one, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Tom Segura]

Just because of the height.

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Have you ever 69 with her?

[Trey Campbell]

No, we haven't got. She's not. I mean I would, but we don't really.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Looks like right before.

[Trey Campbell]

I haven't done that yet. I mean, I. Listen, I will go down when asked to, but we haven't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Has she asked you to do that?

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah, a couple of times.

[William Montgomery]

She.

[Trey Campbell]

Twice more than that. I'm speaking in like, you know, generalities.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Uh huh. What?

[Tom Segura]

Why have you.

[Patrick Cassiday]

Hold on.

[Grinch Martinez]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah,

[Tom Segura]

why have you not. You're waiting till 69. When she's like, okay, tonight we 69.

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah, whenever she wants. You know, I'm down.

[Tom Segura]

So is she like a dom?

[Trey Campbell]

No, not really.

[Tom Segura]

But can you suggest stuff you like?

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah, I think I should. I think I will tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, look at that.

[Tom Segura]

That's great. That's awesome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at that now. How. How tall are you, Trey?

[Trey Campbell]

I'm about five eight. It's five seven. Oh, it's going about five six.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. So where do you think things are going to end up when you 69? Are you ready to toss her belly button.

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah, I'm down. I mean, it'll work.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys have had sex, right?

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah, all the time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All the time. Do you have any special maneuvers in the bedroom? Perhaps the old stir the pot or.

[Trey Campbell]

It takes me a while to get there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What exactly do you mean by that?

[Trey Campbell]

It just takes me a long time to achieve orgasm.

[Tom Segura]

And you're like master control.

[Trey Campbell]

I think so. It's the Karma sutra. I'm usually just thinking about the Sacramento Kings.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Trey Campbell]

I really want them to win a title at some point, and, you know, I'm just always thinking about de' Aaron Fox, hoping he doesn't get hurt again.

[Tom Segura]

So it takes you a while to finish?

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That's nice.

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Do you have any kinks? Do you have any weird kinks?

[Trey Campbell]

No, not really. I'm pretty boring, honestly. I like to have, like, basketball on in the. I like car crashes a lot. I like to watch car crashes during sex. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You know, like, bodies mangled and. It's cool.

[Trey Campbell]

It's cool. It's fun. I like seeing cars crash.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I like them, too. I mean, they're fun.

[Trey Campbell]

Did you just go to the Daytona 500?

[Tom Segura]

I. I went last year. I mean, I wasn't someone during it, but yeah, that's my dream. That's your dream? Just to fucking see a huge explosion and then you're like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You'll knot your pants?

[Trey Campbell]

Essentially, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That's awesome, man.

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And does she have any kinks?

[Trey Campbell]

I don't know. I think a couple, but I don't. I don't know if I should say.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, that's very respectful. That's your wife.

[Trey Campbell]

I don't want to kiss and tell.

[Tom Segura]

No, that's. Well, you have. We can tell you kissed, so, you know.

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Trey, Tom. You guys are never going to believe this. I was just informed in the longest way possible. Took a minute and a half. Took Red a minute and a half to tell me something very, very simple. But I have been informed that Trey's girlfriend, who does stand up comedy is now. Right now. Since they came together backstage and willing to do a set. Trey, would you like to. Would you like to introduce your girlfriend?

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then you just take a step to the right and then we'll interview you guys together. No, not yet, Trey. After you say her name, and by the way, you're right. Is the other way.

[William Montgomery]

Okay.

[Trey Campbell]

Sorry, I'm dyslexic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Okay. So now introducing his girlfriend, Trey Campbell. All right, here you go. Looks like. There you go. Say her name, Trey. Say her Name. Trey.

[Trey Campbell]

This is Lindsay Tyree.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is the last new minute from Lindsay. Everybody.

[M]

Already getting laughs. My name's Lindsay. My pronouns are fee, fi, fo, fum. Thanks, guys. Holy shit, guys, I have this rock. I'm a lot like Cam Patterson, except for I am retarded. Anyway, I use it for stimming. It's an autism thing. And I rub it on my hands sometimes. Like my face. I got this cut on the inside of my lip, and I got super sick. So I went to the doctor, and he said, I'm sorry, ma', am. You've contracted the very first ever case of mermaids. Thank you,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Lindsay Tyree, Is that correct? Tyree.

[M]

Hi, Tony. Yeah, that's right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Welcome, welcome. This is your first time on the show, correct?

[M]

Correct.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been doing stand up?

[M]

About four years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where are you from?

[M]

All over the place. I just moved here in December from the Central Valley, California of Isalia, to be specific. There's one person.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Truly the almost frightening middle of nowhere. I've. I've seen the exit sign for that city.

[M]

Well, you see what it breeds, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Absolutely. I'll stick with stopping at a Buc EE's. My goodness. So, welcome, welcome. We just had a great talk with Trey. You work at some type of nursing home or something like that? I do.

[M]

I work at an assisted living nursing home, but for entertainment purposes, I sell cupcakes. So forget about the other thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay? Perfect. Amazing.

[M]

It's true, Tom. They're delicious. I'll drop one off for you.

[Ryan J E Belt]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah. I like cupcakes. Thanks.

[M]

Chocolate peanut butter.

[Tom Segura]

Fantastic. You make them?

[M]

I do. They're organic and from scratch, even though they're not really organic. But don't tell any of my customers that.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, you just threw the label on there. That's cool.

[M]

A small business, baby.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. I like your style.

[Tom Segura]

So just. Just to be clear, she is a scammer. Like, I don't know. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[M]

I bought the sugar at Whole Foods.

[Tom Segura]

That's cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Not only does she make cupcakes, she's also marrying one, by the looks of things. You specialize in cupcakes and muffin tops. This is great. Lindsay, what do you do for fun? This.

[M]

I have a ton of cats and a dog that I pay attention to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So a shit ton of cats. Two cats.

[M]

That's two. That's one too many.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Trey almost fell off the stage making sure we knew it was only two cats.

[Tom Segura]

Please don't fall, Trey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you live with three pussies that's incredible. Incredible. Lindsey. One dog.

[M]

One dog.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. I love it. What kind of dog?

[M]

The vet said that he's a Mo's a husky. Hound mix.

[Trey Campbell]

He's just a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are we talking about Trey again? He's definitely a husky. He's a husky and a little hound dog. Am I right? Ain't nothing but a hound dog. Look at you two. What kind of mattress do you guys use exactly?

[Trey Campbell]

We're in a California King, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Is that your order at In n Out or what is that exactly?

[Trey Campbell]

I like Whataburgers.

[Tom Segura]

So you're.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You. You're a Whataburger guy?

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah, all day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can I ask Lynn? Lindsay, where do you stand on this? Coming from the middle of California? Whataburger or In n out? There's only one correct answer, and it's not Whataburger. Go ahead and answer.

[M]

All right, Tony. I'm just fat enough to be able to answer this question accurately. The Whataburger chicken is better and the In N Out burgers are better.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'll actually take that answer and accept it. The grilled chicken at Whataburger. You gotta lose the bunch or else you immediately get cancer. That's how that works. Lindsey, you and Trey got engaged very fast, very quickly. How did it make you feel when he proposed to you? Were you expecting it? Were you surprised? Tell us a little bit about the insight, because we didn't get too much into detail about it.

[M]

I mean, I was surprised it was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did he even have to get down on one knee? The height disadvantage here makes it so that I feel like he could have stood straight up. He's shaking his head no. You didn't get on one knee.

[M]

He didn't. He sat on the edge of the bed and he's like, so, do you want to marry me?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, that is fucking adorable. And did you immediately say yes?

[M]

Oh, yeah, Totally.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. You guys are so cute.

[William Montgomery]

You are.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is incredible.

[Tom Segura]

Did you know that you're 69ing tonight?

[M]

Well, when you're as tall, when you have the height differential, it kind of

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

always is that, but that makes sense. You're saying that you Trey upside down a lot.

[M]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. I love it. What other position you get do you guys ever do? Reverse cow. Oh, there he is. Oh, we came here to groan. It's a brand new never heard before joke. It only works when talking about sexual positions with a big couple. Leave out the girl, okay? All right. I don't really care about your guys sex life, quite frankly. I Threw up in my mouth after picturing it. Trey, I would love to have you back on the secret show Thursday if you want.

[Trey Campbell]

I'll be there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can I make a suggestion? Can I make a little suggestion here? And I don't book your show. But I have to say it, because her opening joke was so strong. I think that you should go back to back five and five for each of them. This way, they get to come in together, a happy couple. There you go.

[Cam Patterson]

They're going.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're doing the secret show. Amazing stuff. Thank you. Here's a big joke book for you, Lindsay. Welcome to the family. You already have one, right, Trey?

[Cam Patterson]

Thank you.

[M]

Thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Congratulations.

[Trey Campbell]

Goodbye.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome to the Kill Tony universe. And like that, we're three comedians in. Already this fun train is moving along. This looks like a fun next bucket pool. Make some noise. Ooh. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the lovely Heidi, huh? She's here live in the flesh. You can think about the Sacramento Kings all you want. You're still coming. Immediately. There is no injury on that basketball team which you can last through that. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the Kill Tony. I do believe debut of Grinch Martinez. Grinch Martinez.

[Grinch Martinez]

So there I was this morning at breakfast with my children, watching Infowars, when I thought to myself, what would it be like if Alex Jones started reciting Ice Spice lyrics? It would probably go something like, you

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

think you're the shit, bitch? You're not even the fart.

[Grinch Martinez]

Stay tuned. We'll be right back. I think Alex Jones is right, you know? I think we should have a problem with gay frogs. You're a gay frog listening to this. I don't hate you. I love everybody. You know what I mean? Just keep it away from my young tadpoles, you know what I mean? I got young fucking tadpoles. Impressionable. So I was at Chick Fil A the other day, right, with my wife and kids, which is what you do when you don't have the abortion. And I was thinking to myself, why do they call it Arnold Palmer? Arnold Palmer, for those of you that don't know, he's just like an old white guy, played golf, but Arnold Palmer. The drink is a mixed drink. It's a half and half. We shouldn't call it Arnold Palmer. We should call it a Tiger Woods. You know, he's half tie, half gur. You know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Grinch Martinez]

That's my time. Grinch Martinez, ladies and gentlemen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Grinch Martinez. Wow. I mean, absolutely unbelievably terrible. That is incredible.

[Grinch Martinez]

Shut up. They all laughs. Calm down.

[Roman Schmidt]

Down.

[Grinch Martinez]

Come on. People come up here with zero laughs. Come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, look at you arguing whether or not that was a good or bad set. That's almost never. There's a guy losing his mind in the middle of the room right now.

[Grinch Martinez]

They left though. I mean,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

oh my God, this guy's crazy. What's going on? He's getting in trouble now. Forget it. Grinch. Hello, how are you? It did suck, I promise.

[N]

Sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. People weren't laughing exactly at the things you think they were laughing at. Do you think that Alex Jones impression is good?

[Grinch Martinez]

I've done better.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's hear you do better. Try to do better.

[Grinch Martinez]

Globalists and Chinese Chicoms, ladies and gentlemen,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I would bet that Red band does a better Alex than you.

[Grinch Martinez]

Come on, Red. Come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Notoriously doesn't do impressions, ladies and gentlemen.

[Tom Segura]

Come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Red Band.

[Ryan J E Belt]

Black helicopters.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. No doubt about it. I was right. I was right. Famous non impression impressionist Brian Redband. Just being you in an impression Off. Do you really watch a lot of Alex Jones? Grinch, how long you been doing stand up?

[Grinch Martinez]

I moved here December 21st, so February 22nd, so about two years. Two, two and a half years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You named five different dates two years is the answer there. And how do you think it's going for you?

[Grinch Martinez]

Just open mics. Really? Just try my best with open mics. I work.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you love it? Does it make you happy doing them?

[Grinch Martinez]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What do you do for work?

[Grinch Martinez]

I work at a Pizzeria on 6th Street. Sorry about that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oops. Did you hit the bass drum there?

[Grinch Martinez]

Accidentally touched. Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that your irregular heartbeat or the

[Tom Segura]

really nervous up here?

[Grinch Martinez]

Sorry. Sorry about that, Mike. Sorry about that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Grinch Martinez]

Stay right here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. What do you do?

[Grinch Martinez]

I'm in the front of the front of the house? No, no, I'm cashier.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Grinch Martinez]

I've served you before. We've hung up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, we've hung out. Is that what you're saying? You've served me before and we've hung out in the time that it's time to hang out. Did I grab the pizza and then leave? You signed my autograph. I what?

[Grinch Martinez]

You signed an autograph of mine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, the bill. Yeah, yeah. They had me sign a What bill was that instead of five?

[Grinch Martinez]

It was a two.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was a $2 bill.

[Grinch Martinez]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Yeah. They asked me to sign a bill. I fucking did it. And you took care of my pizza. I got one slice of pizza. Do you remember what kind it was?

[Grinch Martinez]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why don't you say it? Go ahead.

[Grinch Martinez]

A pineapple pepperoni.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is correct, ladies and gentlemen. Grinch. Martina is absolutely nailing. Because it's just kind of very mad that I had pineapple on a pizza. Yeah, don't knock it till you try it, people. Goes great with pepperoni and sausage and penis.

[Ryan J E Belt]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Grinch, tell us about your love life. You look like you could be the third member of the Trey and Lindsay. There's enough room on the throuple. That's my king on the third part. Yeah. Nothing but throuple over here.

[Grinch Martinez]

I'm married. I haven't had the wedding yet, though. I just. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

How's that?

[Grinch Martinez]

I have two. Just the pandemic. During the pandemic. I had two kids in the middle of it.

[Mike Ivey]

We haven't got married yet.

[Tom Segura]

But you.

[Grinch Martinez]

It's on the to do list.

[Roman Schmidt]

Yeah.

[Grinch Martinez]

I need to get that done.

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Have you done like this?

[Grinch Martinez]

Hard for me to say that in front of all these people, honestly, to be honest with you.

[Tom Segura]

What do you. What do you mean?

[Grinch Martinez]

It's just. I don't know, something I've been dealing

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

with for four years now. I've been trying to get married, you know.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, but can you go to a courthouse?

[Grinch Martinez]

I can. I should. You're right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, you. We didn't get.

[Tom Segura]

You said that like I just gave you the idea of ideas.

[Grinch Martinez]

Yeah, no, it's just hard. It's just moving over here from California.

[Tom Segura]

I got you. Where do you. You live here, though?

[Grinch Martinez]

I do live here now.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You can. I mean, you can just pick an afternoon. I mean, like, it's not that fucking crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's been stopping you? Exactly.

[Tom Segura]

You know how to get on a plane, right? You go to the airport. So if you want to get married, you go to.

[Mike Ivey]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Okay. All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's. What's held you up up until this point, Grinch?

[Grinch Martinez]

Just. Just hip deep in. In my two kids. You know what I mean? Just. Just diapers and just. You know what I mean?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How.

[Tom Segura]

But how old are the kids?

[Grinch Martinez]

2 and 4.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Even red band scoffing at you saying hip deep. The man famous for his kids up saying.

[Grinch Martinez]

You know what I mean?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wild. Trying to do clowns, you know?

[Tom Segura]

No, I know, I know, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So the kids are what, one and three or so two and four? Two and four, absolutely. And they're both with the same woman. You've been together four years?

[Grinch Martinez]

Six years.

[Tom Segura]

Do you always do stand up in shorts? It's very hot outside, Mr. Thomas, I. I hear you. I'm just asking, is that you?

[Grinch Martinez]

I don't know, okay?

[Ryan J E Belt]

It's just.

[Tom Segura]

It's a thing. It's. I didn't think it's a choice. All right, so, yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

it is a thing. Stand up in shorts. They. They say in the Italian Mafia, they say a don does not wear shorts. And in standup comedy, they say a comedian does not wear shorts. I remember one time at an open mic at The Laugh Factory, 17 years ago, I wore shorts, and I remember thinking to myself, yep, this doesn't feel good. No, I'm never doing this again.

[Tom Segura]

And it's almost like a sure sign that the person's open. A lunatic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. No doubt about it. In fact, I was wearing a hoodie with my shorts that day in Ohio State. Hoodie. I specifically remember khaki cargo shorts and where I was and the day of the week and the time, and I haven't done it since. That's how traumatized.

[Tom Segura]

Things change for you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, exactly. I put the shorts away, found red band, and my life changed ever since. William Montgomery Famous wears shorts and a lunatic. He is crazy. He is a different type of soldier. He's an unorthodox weapon. He can wear shorts. He can also look at notes. Two things that I refuse to do in a big. Where do you.

[Tom Segura]

Where do you find. Like, where do you get up? Where do you try to get up on stage?

[Grinch Martinez]

The creek. The creek of the cave.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shakespeare's talk right into the tip of the microphone.

[Grinch Martinez]

Shakespeare's the creek in the cave. I used to do the Rapolo's mic, the Pizzeria, before they stopped doing it. What else at a. Yeah, the Buzz Mill. Done over there.

[Tom Segura]

He's getting up.

[Grinch Martinez]

I'm sorry.

[Tom Segura]

You're getting up. You're getting up. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is your real name Grinch or is that a.

[Grinch Martinez]

So everybody calls me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what everybody calls all my friends

[Grinch Martinez]

back home called me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Because you do kind of look like the Grinch. Yeah. Look at that. That is amazing.

[Grinch Martinez]

That was funnier than all of my jokes.

[Tom Segura]

But careful, you're about to hit that drum.

[Mike Ivey]

Oh, right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, yeah, it's fun to go by a name that. What's your actual name?

[Grinch Martinez]

My name is Pete.

[Mike Ivey]

Peter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Pete. Yep. That's nothing like Grinch.

[Mike Ivey]

Nope.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pete Martinez. What's something crazy about your life before I let you go that we would find interesting? Right into the tip of that microphone. I don't know how it works. I've been in an article or the Brick in the Cave, but right Here I've been.

[Grinch Martinez]

Antarctica.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've been to Antarctica?

[Mike Ivey]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did you do up there?

[Grinch Martinez]

I was in the Navy. I did a cargo handling operation. They do it once a year. It's part of the U.S. antarctica program. So I command kind of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why does everyone feel like you're lying right now?

[Grinch Martinez]

Because of the cringe I'm always up to. I don't know if this face. Something's nefarious all the time, I guess.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, You've been on this show before?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Grinch Martinez]

No, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sir. Really? No.

[Grinch Martinez]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Well, welcome. Here's a little joke book. There he goes. Grinch Martinez. I'm gonna count that as a bomb. He might not think that he bombed. I'm counting it as a bomb. And when somebody bombs, I have a special soldier I bring in. We're watching him grow in front of our eyes. A very polarizing figure made a golden ticket winner just a few months ago. This is a brand new set from Drew Nickens.

[Ryan J E Belt]

Having a TBI in this platform, I want you to know if you work hard and you stay kind, you can achieve any dream you want.

[Grinch Martinez]

Right?

[Ryan J E Belt]

Well, I want to accomplish like the ones before me. I'm talking about Gary Busey, talking about Aaron Hernandez, talking about Chris Benoit. But I'm not a murdering tbi. I'm a childlike tbi. If you can't tell. I've stayed in mental health facilities. It's the one place where I'm the most normal guy in the room. I like the ones that are mixed with drug rehabs. Cause it's kind of like a taco bell on KFC. And plus druggies gotta eat 24 7, so I get all the Razorbrand Crunch. I've never had a girlfriend, but I did date a multiple personality. Lola. She hated me. Caroline loved me. I had a girlfriend four hours a day until Caroline got healthy. All right, thank you all so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

True Nickens with another new minute. You know, one of the main things. And you know, sometimes people say that my hearings. But I mean, I don't have great hearing. I've been listening to loud music my whole life. But, you know, sometimes they're listening to a cleaner version of the audio than what we have here. And they go, how did they not hear? It's so blatant. And why they. Why they say what he say? But I'm here to tell you, I have no idea. Were you saying tbi?

[Ryan J E Belt]

Yeah, tbi. Traumatic brain injury.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yeah. The people that haven't had a TBI don't know what that is. We thought you said TV Guide, and it was making no sense to us. I literally thought you said TV Guide. And the people that haven't had a TV Guide. I want a TV Guide. Like Aaron Hernandez, Chris Benoit. My God, they had a TV Guide.

[Ryan J E Belt]

No, they didn't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, they may have. You don't know that.

[Ryan J E Belt]

A tv.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I guarantee you Chris Benoit had a TV Guide at his house.

[Ryan J E Belt]

He was just hanging out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. True. Stop it. You son of a. You crazy bastard, you.

[Tom Segura]

Wow, that's good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, you know, one of the things I would say is make sure when you're the setups for your jokes, you know, that people know what you're talking about saying tbi. And, you know, like, you have to make sure you say, I've had a traumatic brain injury. And people be like, yep. And then you're in. Because if the setup. If the setup isn't clean and clear, then the. Everything else is off track. The payoff at the end, no matter how great your punchlines are, are rough. Make some noise. If you honestly knew what a TBI was. Liar. Liar. Liar. Liar. Liar, Liar.

[Tom Segura]

Shut the fuck. They're probably no people with TBIs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, exactly.

[Tom Segura]

But also, you can. You can say it once, the long form, and say, or as we call it, tbis, and then you have that for the rest of your set.

[Ryan J E Belt]

Okay?

[Mike Ivey]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. Yep. We're making Drew grow. Here it is. It's a fun thing to watch.

[Tom Segura]

What was? The tbi?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The tbi? Yeah. Can you explain a little bit? What? Or is it uncomfortable?

[Ryan J E Belt]

So I'll explain a little bit. I had a collision with something, and it made my brain go whoop, whoop. And so it kind of changed who I was in a fact, because, you know, some people, they murder, they get like. Really? I just gamble a lot.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, okay. So it changed your impulse control and stuff?

[Ryan J E Belt]

Impulse control? I forget things a lot.

[Tom Segura]

Frontal lobe.

[Ryan J E Belt]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ryan J E Belt]

Whoa, you're smart.

[Tom Segura]

Well, yeah, I've watched some of the same documentaries that you've watched, so, yeah. Okay, so how long ago?

[Ryan J E Belt]

It was about 10 years ago.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, yeah.

[Ryan J E Belt]

10, 11 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is there anything else that changed about your life when this happened? Was there something that maybe you were into or something that tasted good that wasn't good? Like, what else changed?

[Ryan J E Belt]

I didn't like sweet. I loved sweet tea before, and then afterwards, I was like, that's garbage.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. My goodness.

[Ryan J E Belt]

I found that I loved polka music after I got my head injury. Jesus fucking tough.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, you love polka music.

[Ryan J E Belt]

Yeah, polka. Like.

[Mike Ivey]

Like.

[Ryan J E Belt]

Like Jokic. He loves polka. Cuz he's from Serbia. I love polka. It's so fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys got any polka or do we got polka? Wise one.

[Ryan J E Belt]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You really do love it. All right, all right, all right, all right.

[Tom Segura]

Well, can I ask something like. So sorry.

[Ryan J E Belt]

You look scared.

[Tom Segura]

No, no, it's not scary. I mean, I got. I got the sweet tea.

[Roman Schmidt]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

And I got the poke.

[Ryan J E Belt]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

And they seem.

[Roman Schmidt]

They don't.

[Tom Segura]

Like, they're not, you know, life like, they're not like, oh, what am I going to do now? I don't, you know, but is there of negative consequence, like a more severe thing that. I don't mean like severe as in. I just mean a negative behavior that is a trait other than impulse.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. It seems like you got a lot of good stuff out of this brain injury. You're fucking. You're an international comedy superstar. You're out here dancing to poke. Fucking.

[Ryan J E Belt]

I deal with depression a lot. That's why I was in the mental health facilities. And I deal with like suicidal tendencies. Please dial 988 if you ever have a problem. You can also chat on the 988.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that a hotline?

[Ryan J E Belt]

That's the suicide hotline. If you ever have any trouble. Also you could do, hell yeah, dog, tell us more.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell them what to do.

[Ryan J E Belt]

And you can also use the chat line so they don't have your information. I always use a fake name. When I use it, I'm always Mickey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mickey?

[Ryan J E Belt]

Yeah, that's me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many times have you called the suicide hotline?

[Ryan J E Belt]

Not lately. I kissed a girl a couple weeks ago. Let's go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, really? Oh, my goodness.

[Ryan J E Belt]

And I did a honk.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. My goodness. What funeral home did you kiss this girl at exactly? No. Where were you when you kissed a girl?

[Ryan J E Belt]

On the back of her car at a cider cade.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. In the back of her car?

[Ryan J E Belt]

No, on the back of her car. She had like a PT Cruiser. So I was like, lean back. And I had her right here. Oh. I thought he was about to play the sad music again. I was like, damn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Wow. Did you take her to dinner? Did you go to.

[Ryan J E Belt]

Yeah, we went to dinner.

[Trey Campbell]

Where'd you go?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

TBI Fridays.

[Ryan J E Belt]

Oh, man, you're so good at this shit. We went to Terry Black's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh.

[Ryan J E Belt]

And they hooked it up, dog. It was good. She didn't like banana pudding. That was a red flag.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. Big red flag. Who cares?

[Tom Segura]

Sweet tea. Did she like that?

[Ryan J E Belt]

Dog, if you drink sweet tea, you might be boring. I don't know. Unless you're in the audience. I love y'. All.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you ever tried a sweet tea lemonade? Or is gringe calls it a liger woods? Perhaps he thought that that got a big laugh. I got laughs up here. I love it. So, Drew, you kissed a girl in the back of the PT Cruiser. And then what were you? Like, you want to take this back to my place? Did it just end there? Like, well, how did that night end for you?

[Ryan J E Belt]

I was like, hey, let's go get ice cream somewhere. You know, it's hot and heavy and not heavy.

[N]

It was hot and heavy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And she said it was hot and heavy.

[Ryan J E Belt]

Yeah, hot and heavy. Sorry, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Enough about her. How was the moment? Dog.

[Ryan J E Belt]

Dog. I felt like one of those 90210 guest stars. Just like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know what that means.

[Ryan J E Belt]

Like, like, you know, when you're 90210

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

is only awesome if you've had a tremendous traumatic brain injury.

[Ryan J E Belt]

They don't play poker Anyways, but then she was like, I gotta go watch the newest episode of Big Brother. And then she left.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Sounds like a perfect first hang to me. Was she a bigger girl?

[Ryan J E Belt]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Skinny?

[Ryan J E Belt]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tall? Black lipstick? No.

[Ryan J E Belt]

No. I see what you're doing there. B5 foe. No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, shit.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's how we get them out. Drew Nickens, ladies and gentlemen. Out on a big lap. We got him. Get out of here. It's not gonna get any better than that. You know what? Let's get another one of our regulars up here. Ladies and gentlemen, winner. I say superstar. I mean it. An absolute freak of nature. This is a brand new minute from the undeniable Cam Patterson. You know what? We're going to wait for that. We'll get to a bucket pull. We'll do a bucket pool. All right, ladies and gentlemen, reset your expectations. Because this is. This is 60 seconds uninterrupted from what looks like a new name. Make some noise for Roman Schmidt. Roman Schmidt.

[Roman Schmidt]

So I grew up in a small town. And one thing they say about, like, small town people is that they're like, racist and stuff. And, like, I can't say, remember a moment of racism, but I also grew up Catholic, so I'm pretty good at ignoring obvious problems. Not true. Catholic, though. Never done anal. So with a woman, I found out that brown eye was in reference to your asshole. Which shocked me. Cause my priest referred to it as my flower. So, Living in Austin, this is my first real experience with homeless people. And I don't know about you guys, but I get called a faggot. A lot by the homeless. It's to the point where I'm like, they know something I don't. I've never questioned myself till I got here. And I'm like, is it the way I walk? Like, what? Thank you, Evan. Roman Schmidt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely unbelievable. This is the second time you've been on this show, right? Correct. And both times you've been asked. Absolutely hilarious from beginning to end. Wouldn't you agree that the crowd has been completely receptive both times?

[Roman Schmidt]

Yeah, they. Super fun. This was awesome.

[Ryan J E Belt]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Remind us again, how old are you?

[Roman Schmidt]

22.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And how long have you been doing standup?

[Roman Schmidt]

A little over two and a half.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

22. Two and a half years in. And most of that was in Wisconsin.

[Roman Schmidt]

Yeah, two years in Wisconsin, the rest here. So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you've been here about six months?

[Roman Schmidt]

Like eight. Eight or nine or whatever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now, how do you like it?

[Roman Schmidt]

The scene is super fun. The city's whatever. Yeah. Well, I do get called a faggot a lot. And I don't

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

take it from me, Roman. That's every city. It's not just an Austin thing. I get off the plane everywhere else, and immediately the pilots are like, good day, faggot. Enjoy it out there. 77 and cloudy.

[Roman Schmidt]

Good to know. Good to know. I'll prepare.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. It's not an Austin thing being called

[Roman Schmidt]

a. I was hoping it was. I was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Take it from me.

[Roman Schmidt]

Perfect.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Take it from me. And by take it from me, I mean this.

[Ryan J E Belt]

Cause I'm gay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I'm kidding. All right, Tom, what do you think about the young buck Roman here?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that was a great set, man. Very fun stuff. Very fun. Where are you being called a faggot so much?

[Roman Schmidt]

Well, it's usually. Yeah. Cause I like to be downtown and, like, right outside and all that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you walk on all fours or something like that?

[Roman Schmidt]

Sometimes you gotta switch it up. It's good for the back. No, it's usually like a homeless guy's like, can I have a dollar? I'm like, no. I'm like, faggot. And then they walk away and it's like, that's cool. You know?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that is cool. You didn't have them in Wisconsin. Where'd you go? Where'd you live in Wisconsin?

[Roman Schmidt]

Madison.

[Tom Segura]

Madison, yeah.

[Roman Schmidt]

That's where I started.

[Tom Segura]

Did you ever go to Milwaukee?

[Roman Schmidt]

I never actually left Madison.

[Grinch Martinez]

Oh.

[Tom Segura]

But that's because if you go to Milwaukee, they'll call you a fag, too.

[Roman Schmidt]

Yeah, I was in Milwaukee when I was real little, but I was not, like, anywhere in the city, though.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you ever thought about beating the homeless guy to the faggot, perhaps saying, you know, hey, man, do you have a dollar? And you go, no, faggot.

[Roman Schmidt]

No, I'm too nice. I've been told I've been too nice. That's the Wisconsin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Give us some examples of the nicest things you've ever done in your life, Roman.

[Roman Schmidt]

Oh, geez Louise.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I took it. That's very nice.

[Tom Segura]

Very nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what, dude? You're a. Can I have a dollar?

[M]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Geez Louise, tell us some more. Yeah, I actually say that a lot. We are, dude. I. I love a good Cheese Louise. Probably every day I say that at some point.

[Tom Segura]

Do you say Heaven to Betsy, too?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, that's okay.

[Roman Schmidt]

No, that's.

[Tom Segura]

That's too faggy.

[Ryan J E Belt]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So give us some of the nicest things you've ever done growing up.

[Roman Schmidt]

I'd serve for a lot of funerals for, like, the older people I do. That all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You would serve at funerals?

[Roman Schmidt]

Yeah, I was an altar boy. So you just serve mass and so

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you serve that ass up? Is that what you said?

[Roman Schmidt]

You know, I'm gonna. Yeah. At this point, but no, just, like, church stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And did a priest ever get touchy with you back in your altar boy days? No.

[Roman Schmidt]

I was pretty ugly. I was. I was a goon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But if you were an altar boy

[Roman Schmidt]

now, oh, I'd have so much ass from the priest, dude. I would be killing it in the church.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Put it right in your holy spirit. Let's talk about the dark side of Roman Schmidt, Mr. Nice Guy, Mr. Cheese Louise. What's some of the meanest or nastiest. Nastiest things you think you've ever done in your life? What pops in your head, Naughty boy, Roman Schmidt?

[Roman Schmidt]

Well, sometimes when I struggle to sleep at night, I'll sit on the balcony, my apartment, and I'll shoot a gel blaster at the homeless walking by.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you ever thought that maybe they're onto you?

[Roman Schmidt]

No. It started after them calling me that. So what?

[Tom Segura]

Everything's tied to the homeless with this guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's like, have you ever taken one down to the Rainy street bridge, perhaps?

[Roman Schmidt]

I don't know yet. You guys got to find out. Wait till. But that wasn't great. Good riff by me. That was good riff. No, I. It's just, you know, late at night, struggling to sleep. I'm close to it. They're walking by. They piss me off sometimes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So how do they piss you off just walking by?

[Roman Schmidt]

Call me a. That was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, they just.

[Tom Segura]

Even in the dark and poorly.

[Roman Schmidt]

I've never said that word that much in my life, so. And now 2 million people are going to see this. And my mom, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, frick. And your priests back home in Wisconsin.

[Roman Schmidt]

Yeah, this is going to be cool. It's going to be awesome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, no doubt about it. So we've seen the light. We've seen the dark side of Roman. What about that 22 year old love life? Prove to us you're not a. Tell us something.

[Roman Schmidt]

I can't. Okay. I wish I could, but I. Yeah, I just go out and do stand up every night, so I just. I'm not even like even thinking ladies at this point.

[Tom Segura]

You don't do the apps or anything like that?

[Roman Schmidt]

I do, but then I just go on there and I just start criticizing profiles and stuff. I'm not a good person.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What app are you on? What are you on? Plenty of faggots.

[Roman Schmidt]

No, I'll download Hinge and be like, why do we pick this picture and stuff?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you been on a single date in Austin?

[Roman Schmidt]

Yeah, I've been on a couple. And that was about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where did you meet those girls at?

[Roman Schmidt]

I was doing an open mic at Nar Bar and her friend told me she was cute, so I was like, guaranteed to get a number this time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did that work out? What did you do with that girl?

[Roman Schmidt]

We went and got food a couple times, I guess this famous food place on the other side of the river by like the park or whatever. Burger place, but nothing too special.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you land a kiss or anything like that on the back of her PT Cruiser?

[Roman Schmidt]

No, the front of it, but no, not with her. I kissed some other chick, but that was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go.

[Roman Schmidt]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Roman Schmidt]

It's not that interesting. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Who was the kid? The chick that you did kiss? Some random.

[Roman Schmidt]

Some blonde. Random girl. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Nice. That's cool.

[Roman Schmidt]

That's pretty rad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where'd you meet her at?

[Roman Schmidt]

On 6th Street.

[Tom Segura]

It was just walking down the street.

[Roman Schmidt]

Yeah, we made eye contact and she just kept. I was like, well, I guess she's interested. I'll try to get a number. And then same thing.

[Tom Segura]

I fucking feel like we are we're looking at a future serial killer.

[Roman Schmidt]

Yeah, I wish that was the first time someone told me that. I really do.

[Tom Segura]

Because it's a nice facade and there's some real darkness in there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I.

[Roman Schmidt]

This is. Everyone thinks I'm such an innocent person and then I show them like my TikTok reels and it's just people dying all the time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, There it is. Yeah, there it is, dude.

[Roman Schmidt]

And the problem is, it's not that it's them dying. It's me laughing.

[Tom Segura]

This is the good stuff. Keep talking. Keep talking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Roman Schmidt]

Like, one time I was watching Saving Private Ryan with my dad, and I laughed at that, at the.

[Tom Segura]

All the deaths.

[Roman Schmidt]

The whole movie?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, the whole movie. It's a fucking real knee slapper, right?

[Roman Schmidt]

I know.

[Ryan J E Belt]

It's

[Tom Segura]

my dad when they storm Normandy and shit.

[Roman Schmidt]

Well, what really got me is I don't know if anyone watches the background, but one guy lost his arm and then was just casually looking for it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that's funny.

[Tom Segura]

That's funny.

[Roman Schmidt]

Yeah. Like, no one. I was like, that's hilarious. And I was laughing a little too hard.

[Tom Segura]

Just don't forget how fucking dark you really are. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

All this nice Madison boy bullshit that you start with, let it go. Because you are a sick, demented person.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And that's what you got to lean into. You're a dark individual.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I. Yeah, it is great advice. I completely agree. Thank you. Two sides of this.

[Tom Segura]

This kid's fucked up, man.

[Roman Schmidt]

Well, the thing is, I know that, but everyone just looks me, like, less approachable.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's like, homeless. People keep calling me a. When I'm choking them unconscious. You got a big joke book last time you were on. Correct, correct. And there you go. Roman Schmidt, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again. You're not going to invite him to your little show? Wow, look at you playing hard to get over there. Ladies and gentlemen, it must be that time. One of the most esteemed regulars in the show history, I present to you the force of nature that is Cam Patterson.

[Cam Patterson]

I'm trying to act this shit. I've been going to auditions. I ain't got shit yet. They don't want me. They want a different nigga. Every time I apply for roles, they always. I just can't be nobody but myself. I applied to be a British nigga a couple days ago. That didn't go good at all. I was like, peel, Peel. Cheerio. Fuck, nigga. Like, don't do that. Ted crump his pussy. It wasn't a good time. I also don't make good decisions. I recently told y' all I bought a 2003 Acura, and that was a dumb ass choice. I shouldn't have did that. I do like my car, though. My car, dope. I like it a lot. My car is pretty cool. Cause my car like a thug. You feel what I'm saying? Like, old cars are thugs. In my mind. My car with them when Tupac got shot. It's seen a lot of shit. New cars is pussy. Real shit. Like a 20, 24 car. Pussy as hell, dawg. If you can lock in a Tesla, it probably beep a lot before you put your seatbelt on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Please,

[Cam Patterson]

please put your seatbelt on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You gonna die.

[Cam Patterson]

And that 03 Acura, if I don't put a seatbelt on. Fuck, nigga. You wanna die? Let's die, brother. I've been trying to die a long time. Let's go, nigga.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he is. He's done it again. It is true. Everything you said is true. The new cars is. Took some notes here. They be beeping, they beeping. They be beeping.

[Cam Patterson]

My car don't beep for shit, bro. It don't even tell me when the gas getting low. They be like, you see the sign? You see the needle bits? I want to eat pussy. Feed me. They don't tell me nothing. I like that, though. I like it a lot, bro. It just broke down a couple days ago. It probably pissed me off, but I gotta start that with a screwdriver now. But I'm having a good time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Pat Bautista]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

I like it, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that cause you stole it?

[Cam Patterson]

No, no, I didn't steal it. It's not a stolen car. I bought the car. It might be stolen from somebody else.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's true.

[Cam Patterson]

But it's my car now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. That's a newer car.

[Cam Patterson]

No, it's a 03 acre. It's the same one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It really is an 03X.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah. Think I'm playing this real.

[Mike Ivey]

Wow.

[Cam Patterson]

People think I'll be playing because I bought an ocean.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You stay true to your roots. And by roots, I mean the movie.

[Cam Patterson]

If y' all don't know that's a slave movie, white people, if y' all haven't watched it, a lot of y' all didn't laugh. That was pretty funny. I was like, oh, what's going on? Root is a slave movie. Do you understand that, Tyler? Hell yeah. This is good. That's a Tyler right there. That's definitely a Tyler. N a damn show a Tyler. I know a Tyler when I see one. For sure. Yeah.

[Pat Bautista]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

And that's Armando right there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is Armando. B. You're close. What is your actual name, sir?

[Ryan J E Belt]

Chris.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's your middle name?

[Grinch Martinez]

Clemente.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Clemento. Oh, shit.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, close, nigga.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Chris Rodriguez H. Garcia.

[Cam Patterson]

They tried to hide that in the beginning, but you can't.

[Ari Bhatti]

You can't.

[Cam Patterson]

Can't hide that for long, brother. You Mess again. My hell, yeah, that's hard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Chris Clemente Garcia. Hell, the old switch was real, dude. I think that's probably the reason why you need a screwdriver to start your car. Old Clemente Garcia in there trying to get it started. I love it, man. That's some amaz. Have you really been going on an audition so you have to send him in on tape out here for.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, I. I've been trying. I've been trying a little bit, but I just sound like me. That's the problem.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You what?

[Cam Patterson]

I just sound like me, so I can't. It's hard.

[Patrick Cassiday]

It's tough.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You shouldn't have to audition.

[Cam Patterson]

I mean, I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is crazy. We're going to be talk after this.

[Cam Patterson]

He be like, baby, do this sh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I be like, all right.

[Cam Patterson]

Say less. I try to be a waiter. Like, what's up? Put zig on your food that you wanted a cheese wedge. Here you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you are a superstar. They shouldn't have you auditioning. I don't be knowing. You should be writing roles around you or nothing at all. You shouldn't be wasting your time for these Hollywood nerds.

[Cam Patterson]

That would be nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We need a. We need a urban character looking for a young Kevin Hart type. Let's just. Just crazy that your stupid manager has you doing stupid like that. It's unbelievable. But here's a little behind the scenes for you guys is Cam's a superstar. He's a draw. He can sell tickets at any point in any city at any time. So these managers and agents, they cling on and they go, I can help you. I can get you a super deal. Just give me 10% of your ticket sales, and I got you. And then they have you exhausting yourself sending in tapes. Who's video recording these? Which friend on your couch,

[Cam Patterson]

I got a tripod.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And so you're doing it yourself.

[Mike Ivey]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Who's reading with you?

[Cam Patterson]

Assign everybody.

[Ryan J E Belt]

People in the club.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Cam Patterson]

Hasan and Derek.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And Hasan and Derek.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very cool. What's like the. Is it mostly just that is like, what are the characters doing that you're reading for?

[Cam Patterson]

Well, one of them. I was trying to be a moose in the show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A moose?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

But I couldn't do, like. I couldn't do a moose voice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was like, for an animated. Yeah. Oh, good.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah. I mean, not like a yeah, now we're gonna make me a moose today.

[Patrick Cassiday]

And that's crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know. Tyler Perry's out there making a whole bunch of crazy Tyler Perry goes to hamburger. Hey, what up? I'm a loose. Cars be beeping and I need move.

[Cam Patterson]

I could really be, like a Broadway actor. I feel that, though.

[Grinch Martinez]

For real.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Okay.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, yeah. Let want to do some lines. Do some line or something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, let's do a scene. Some lines.

[Patrick Cassiday]

What the.

[Cam Patterson]

Was that red, man? That law and order?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is a Hollywood detective.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, let me be. Let me be. Let me be a dog doctor.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You want to be a doctor?

[Cam Patterson]

I'm a doctor.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys got any doctor music over there? Am I. I'm the patient.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, you patient.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Oh, man, I've just been waiting for this doctor. Why do they always take so long? It seems like some kind of scam or something.

[Cam Patterson]

What's up? Are you toy gang?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you got to be kidding.

[Patrick Cassiday]

I got.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, there's no way. You're the document.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, I went to a lot of medical school for this, man. It's been a long time coming.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where did you go to medical school, sir?

[Cam Patterson]

Bethune Cookman University.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I will die before you talk to me any longer, Doctor.

[Cam Patterson]

Wait, hold up. Wait. I got you. I got your results back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[Cam Patterson]

And you got cancer for niggas.

[Mike Ivey]

You dying.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, shit. Well, Dr. Dre, thank you so much.

[Tom Segura]

That was exactly how Christina found out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hello, Babe? Yeah, bad news. I just got back from the doctor. I have cancer. The pancreatitis dough. Oh, hey. What? That sound is the. That is you after breaking your arm. Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And ending both. Don't forget double Wham.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. It is unbelievable. One more time. We sometimes use it when the topic of gay sex comes up.

[Tom Segura]

It sounds really good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, doctor. So unprofessional of you. Yo, that gay as that gay hair, dog.

[Tom Segura]

That was, like, felt gay, too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cam, you are unbelievable. Week after week after week, your energy, your sense of humor, it's off the charts. One more time for Cam Patterson, ladies. All right.

[Tom Segura]

He's great, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, he's unbelievable. Taking over the world. Bunch of great stuff coming around the corner from him. But back to the bucket we go. We found him out of the bucket. The next Cam Patterson could be next. Make some noise for Mike Ivey. We're gonna meet them all together here.

[Mike Ivey]

Hey, comedy mothership. Oh, my God. Austin, Texas. New home with stand up comedy. Love it. Great to be here. Only way this place could be better if this. There was a chick fil a here. Love a Chick fil A. Chick fil A. Oh, my God. Religion has done some bad stuff, but chick fil a is not one of them.

[Tom Segura]

Am I right?

[Mike Ivey]

Huh? Oh, yeah. Love it. Why can't there be more fast food restaurants based on an actual cult? Come on. Get some Scientology tacos. Yummy, huh? How about a Jehovah's Witness doordash? Come on. Oh, fuck. The food's here. God damn it.

[Pat Bautista]

Fuck.

[Mike Ivey]

A Jehovah's Witness doordash is here.

[Ryan J E Belt]

This burger tastes like Jehovah. Shut up.

[Mike Ivey]

Nobody wants a. I like to go to Chick Fil a and tempt the faithful. Walk up there. How about we open this bitch up on a Sunday? What do you think?

[Ryan J E Belt]

Yeah.

[Mike Ivey]

Yeah?

[Roman Schmidt]

No?

[Mike Ivey]

All right. How about. Let me get a number six. Number six and another number six. Make my sandwiches upside down. If you do that at a Chick Fil a. If you do that at a Chick Fil A. Free holy water with every order. Thank you very much. My name is Mike Ivey.

[Roman Schmidt]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So stupid. But it was. It did make me laugh a lot there at the end. The possessed Chick Fil a customer, Mike Redban, had a real fucking. I mean, just abruptly, just furious. Because he is our senior fast food correspondent. And it is an extremely well known fact. And I think you know where I'm going here. You're looking like you're trying to think or be curious. But you.

[Mike Ivey]

I understand.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know. Exactly.

[Mike Ivey]

I understand Wendy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Don't you?

[Mike Ivey]

The Wendy's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nope.

[Cam Patterson]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's a Chick Fil A two and a half blocks away from here.

[Mike Ivey]

Oh, I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In fact, breaking news. Michael Gonzalez, will you hold that up? The entire crew ate Chick Fil A before.

[Mike Ivey]

Goddamn right. You goddamn right. Because Jesus is Lord. That's right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm sorry, but no, you're right. No, Jesus is Lord. But, you know, have. How long have you lived in Austin?

[Mike Ivey]

About three years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

About three years. And, you know, so there's a way to get into that same thing by saying that it's right here down the street. Have you ever looked for a Chick Fil A?

[Mike Ivey]

No.

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah.

[Mike Ivey]

I was going to do another joke, but then I didn't have any water back there. And that joke requires me to do a lot of breath work, and I'm not going to do that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The joke that you were going to do requires you to do a lot of breath work.

[Mike Ivey]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There was no water back there.

[Mike Ivey]

No water back there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Mike Ivey]

There was. Heidi had a liquid death back there. But I didn't want to do that because that would be creepy. And my dream.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So I was like, wait, that would be.

[Mike Ivey]

Heidi had a liquid death back there. And I was like, can I Have that liquid death. And then it was like, I think that's Heidi's. And I was like, I want it so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But no, I see it was an already open can of liquid death.

[Mike Ivey]

She kissed it with her mouth whole.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't think that that actually happened.

[Ryan J E Belt]

It's true.

[Mike Ivey]

That is a fact. I did not lie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You saw her kiss.

[Mike Ivey]

There's a liquid death back there. I said, can I have some of that liquid death? Because I'm ingenious.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did you ask?

[Mike Ivey]

I asked the guy who was the assistant.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you're like, can I have some of that open liquid death?

[Mike Ivey]

I asked for water first. And then they were like, I don't have any water. And I'm like, God damn it, I want some water. Cause I want to do my joke. And there was a liquid death there. And I'm like, can I have that liquid death there? And they were like, that's Heidi. So I was like, oh, that'd be super creepy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's not a few cans of water back there. In case someone that just ran across the street loses their fucking.

[Mike Ivey]

Oh, God, I got somebody fired.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it's a good thing to have that. If we don't, sometimes I have to go through it. We have a can of water anywhere. Oh, here it comes, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for little Christy, everybody. One of the adorable squad members here. Yoni's right hand woman. Here's a fresh can of liquid death. We had Heidi squirt in it right before. Go ahead, drink some water there. Oh, you might want to move that tab back a little bit. Got caught on your very normal sized lips. Totally normal. Nothing different about those lips. Bacon soil. Oh, my God. Red Ben, you've outed us.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, so wait, are you saying. Cause I was trying to figure this out here. You're saying that you did know that there are the chick fil A here?

[Mike Ivey]

Oh, well, I couldn't think of it at the time. I was like, I changed my joke at the last second. I did the chick fil A joke. It's been doing well. So I was like, I'll do the chick Fil A joke, whatever. That's what I was.

[Tom Segura]

You know, you normally do that joke in a city that does. Cause your setup was, they gotta have a chick. They should have a chick fil A here.

[Mike Ivey]

I was trying to make it in the moment, right? So I was like, oh, hey, how's it going? Good to be here, you know, because it is good to be here. And it would take a second for them to get used to my fucking cadence because I'm a fucking weirdo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Because you don't need that.

[Mike Ivey]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you said you did the chick fil a joke because you were doing good. Is that what you said?

[Mike Ivey]

No, no, I did the chick fil a joke because it was my backup joke. I called up Peyton Manning audible. I was like, omaha. I pulled out Manning wins.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When he.

[Ryan J E Belt]

I did okay.

[Mike Ivey]

That was a seven. That was a solid seven.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a fun episode where the people are arguing about how good they did. That's a very rare treat. No, Tony, I did good. These are not the. These are not the Jedi you're looking for. Oh, yeah, Here's a big joke book. You're regular now. I'm retarded. Great stuff. It's totally working, everybody. Oh, wow, look at this. It's the. All right, very good. Sorry, sorry. All right. So how long are you three? How long you been on stand up?

[Mike Ivey]

Oh, too long. 14 years. I started. Oh, yeah, that's right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, whoa. 14 years of okie dokie. Where have you been doing 14 years of standup at?

[Mike Ivey]

Well, I told the story before, but I started out in Cleveland, Ohio. I started out because I was doing speech therapy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You told this story here before.

[Mike Ivey]

I didn't tell this story. This part of the story I did not tell. I started out doing comedy as speech therapy because I couldn't be in a room full of people. I couldn't talk in front of people. I said, I need to fight this demon. I went to exposure therapy. Stand up comedy, one of the hardest things to do. People don't like talking in front of people. I was funny. I know how to write, but I couldn't talk, so I started doing stand up comedy. So I was medically bad at stand up comedy. And then eventually people noticed my writing. As I got better, I started getting paid. I went to Pickwick and Frolic in Cleveland, Ohio. I've worked there. I've been on that stage more than any other comedian in history. I stayed there way too long.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was an open mic.

[Cam Patterson]

No, no, no, no.

[Mike Ivey]

I started working there. My first time was an open mic. Hilarities.

[Tom Segura]

Hilarities. Yep.

[Mike Ivey]

Nick Costas. Yep.

[Grinch Martinez]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you were on that stage more

[Mike Ivey]

than what, any other comedian in history.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who told you that?

[Mike Ivey]

You know how I know? I was there more than any other

[N]

stand up comedian in history.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How?

[Mike Ivey]

Cause I was there more than any other standup comedian in history. Tony. I was there way too much. I know what the Fry's talk. I know everything about that club. I know where the bodies are hid. You know what I mean? Like, I know where that. There was a rat there one time. I know a whole thing. I've been there way too much. I, I, I over committed to that club. I loved it. You know, whatever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You ever have a tbi?

[Mike Ivey]

What's that? What's TVI exactly?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a traumatic brain injury.

[Mike Ivey]

Oh, maybe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Actually, maybe you recognize this song. It's the TBI song that actually may have happened.

[Tom Segura]

What does that mean? How does it maybe h. How do you know?

[Mike Ivey]

When I was kid. When I was a kid, I bumped my head.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got a tbi? The best damn band in the land flexing their improvisational skills. How did you two just do that at the same time?

[Tom Segura]

Like that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys, like, wrote that? We wrote that. Holy. My goodness gracious.

[Mike Ivey]

This place rules, by the way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We know we're here every Monday. This is what we do.

[Mike Ivey]

Goddamn right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But welcome. You might be at a Chick Fil a next week going, man, I just wish I was in a city where there was a Kill Tony taping. Mike, before I let you go, anything else crazy about your life that would surprise us. You ever do anything nuts? You have any special skills or talents other than being the most comedian at Hilarities in Cleveland ever, which is very highly up for debate, but we're going to let you have existed for decades before you were ever there.

[Mike Ivey]

Yes, it did. Yes, it did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you ever.

[Mike Ivey]

But they need a black comedian that can cross over. It's very interesting how politics work in comedy clubs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not here. No, I'm kidding.

[Mike Ivey]

Please like me. Oh, my God. Please.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yep.

[Mike Ivey]

I didn't get a little joke book. Can I get a little one, please?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't get to ask for it. But you know what? Since you asked, we're gonna give you an extra tiny one. There he goes. There it is. Is Mike Ivey, ladies and gentlemen. He did indeed put it in his mouth. I saw. I'm just not going to give him the unbelievable attention that he craves. One more time for Mike, everybody. Ooh la la. Heidi's trying to get me liquored up over here. We got another bucket pool. Ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Patrick Cassiday, everybody. Patrick. Patrick Casadei. Here we go. Here's Patrick.

[Patrick Cassiday]

Mothership.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is up?

[Patrick Cassiday]

So happy to be here. Anybody else ever walk in on your parents having sex when you're a kid? 17 times. Gets awkward after four or five. That's stupid. It's kind of my fault. The first time they asked me What I wanted for my birthday and I was like, I want to watch. So I've never wanted a bike more in my life. Speaking of awkward birthdays, I just turned 5019 months ago.

[Ryan J E Belt]

Turning 50 is not so bad though.

[Patrick Cassiday]

There's this new thing called FFBS. Have you guys heard of this 50

[Mike Ivey]

year old fuck boys?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Patrick Cassiday]

Nobody been trying to get this going for 19 months. Actually, here's some bad news, guys. My dad died recently. I've been having a hard time trying to talk about it with my black friends because I don't want to think I'm appropriating their culture by not having a black father. I'm just kidding. I don't have any black friends. That's my time, guys. Thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Patrick Cassaday. Hey, welcome to the show, Patrick.

[Grinch Martinez]

Thank you.

[Patrick Cassiday]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony, how long you been doing standup?

[Patrick Cassiday]

This is my 20th time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

20th time.

[Patrick Cassiday]

3 months. About 3 months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

3 months. So 20 times in 3 months. What made you want to start now? 51.

[Patrick Cassiday]

51 years old.

[Tom Segura]

Correct.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What made you start now?

[Patrick Cassiday]

My dad and I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's okay. Tell the real story.

[Patrick Cassiday]

I know. I don't want to cry though. My dad got real sick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you cry, it'll make the whole audience fall in love with you. It'll be great.

[Mike Ivey]

Trust me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just look out there to the people. Don't just turn towards me. Lift up your hat a little bit, Patrick. There you go. Now tell us why you started.

[Patrick Cassiday]

My dad had a stroke right after the vaccine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh.

[Patrick Cassiday]

And I've been taking care of him for the last three years. 24 7. And he made me promise. We always watch Kill Tony together. It's one of the things that we did every Monday. And a lot of. A lot of stand up comedy.

[Mike Ivey]

Just.

[Patrick Cassiday]

We didn't want to cry, we wanted to laugh. So he made me promise when he passed that I'd come out here and I'd do this. And he passed in April. So I bought a RV and a truck and I towed it out here about two months ago. And I've been signing up ever since.

[Ryan J E Belt]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's an amazing fucking story.

[Patrick Cassiday]

Thank you.

[William Montgomery]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. I guess, I mean, unbelievable.

[Tom Segura]

You fucking changed your life. Life.

[Ryan J E Belt]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do this.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Patrick Cassiday]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

Wow.

[Trey Campbell]

Dude.

[Patrick Cassiday]

Yeah, I'm actually. I'm leaving on the 10th to go back to Sacramento and sell my house. And then I'm moving back out here.

[Cam Patterson]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Ryan J E Belt]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So. Huh. Wow. I have a couple questions here.

[Tom Segura]

You're crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How soon after he got this? Totally trust the science.

[Ryan J E Belt]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Vaccine.

[Patrick Cassiday]

One week. One week. He Had a master's week afterwards.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And coincidentally, as safe as it was,

[Patrick Cassiday]

lost his ability to walk. 24, seven wheelchair.

[Ryan J E Belt]

I defeat him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Isn't it funny how we hear stories like that all the time on this show, but you never hear it from the mainstream media at all. But with real human beings, with real lives, we hear it here all the time. So interesting. What an anomaly. Kiltoni draws people that draws a certain type of people that talk about injuries from a vaccine that many companies and government things make made mandatory for humans to get. How crazy is that?

[Patrick Cassiday]

Yeah, I didn't get it. So I'm no nanobots. I don't know what's in there. But.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. So one week later, your dad has a stroke. And you said that he said that when I die.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Patrick Cassiday]

He made me promise, come out here,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you'll go do Kill Tony.

[Patrick Cassiday]

Because I'd watch Kill Tony every week and I'd be like, oh, Austin's the place for comedy, man. I gotta get out there. I gotta get out there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So do you think that that's because he didn't want to see you stand up? That he would request that when he only.

[Patrick Cassiday]

He's been watching my stand up since I was 6 years old. So he's a big fan.

[Grinch Martinez]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So he's been watching you be a funny guy.

[Patrick Cassiday]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

For a long time.

[Patrick Cassiday]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have brothers and sisters?

[Patrick Cassiday]

A bunch of steps, but nothing. Half brother in Canada that I go steps.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's Red Band's worst nightmare. So you bought an RV specifically to come to Austin, Texas. Tell us about this RV. Describe to us what did you.

[Patrick Cassiday]

30 footer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did you get? Where did you come from?

[Patrick Cassiday]

Sacramento.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sacramento. So you buy the RV in Sacramento and you drove it all the way here?

[Patrick Cassiday]

Yeah, I bought a truck in my dad's name because it got a better interest rate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, Definitely.

[Tom Segura]

Talk about your crimes on.

[Patrick Cassiday]

It's fine. I'm giving it back as soon as I get back to Sacramento, they understand.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's good. Put it in your dad's name. That's a stroke of genius.

[Patrick Cassiday]

Yeah, Way better interest rate. Way better interest rate. Stroke of genius. Now I just got that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, tell us more about the rv. Does it have any special features or weird things about it?

[Patrick Cassiday]

No, it's pretty standard. My dog. I have a dog. So that's why I got an RV and didn't want to just come out here and rent a hotel or something. So my dog's chilling back in the RV and I know it's nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You leave the air conditioning on 24 7. Seems like a full on terrible place to leave a dog.

[Patrick Cassiday]

It's 71 degrees in that RV right now. Now, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Incredible.

[Patrick Cassiday]

It's nice.

[William Montgomery]

Nice.

[Tom Segura]

So what was with the. Yeah, you go. I turned 50.

[Grinch Martinez]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

19 months ago.

[Patrick Cassiday]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like some old broad. Like, that's like my aunt's joke about her age. Are you like, I don't want anyone to know I'm 50.

[Patrick Cassiday]

I was still telling people I was two and a half score, but I think they got the wrong idea.

[M]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Do you care that like that you're 51?

[Roman Schmidt]

No.

[Grinch Martinez]

No.

[Patrick Cassiday]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Trey Campbell]

You can't.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, look, you're 20 times in.

[Patrick Cassiday]

Yeah.

[Ryan J E Belt]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So you know you're gonna do perfect

[Patrick Cassiday]

time to start stand up.

[Tom Segura]

Right. Well, no, it's horrible. It's one of the worst decisions a person can make, but yeah, absolutely. Oh, yeah. This is. I mean, this most likely will go terribly, but 20 times in means you. You're. You're like a fetus. Like you've absolutely 100% hundreds and hundreds of times. Times. But as somebody who's seeing you on your 20th time, you don't have to be like, I'm not really 51. You know, like just.

[Patrick Cassiday]

Yeah, it's a stupid joke. I'll kill it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Kill it tonight. Let it die.

[Patrick Cassiday]

Never tell that joke again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The good news is, when you did that joke, your father actually rolled in his grave. So there was some movement seen there.

[Patrick Cassiday]

Well, I got him in the trailer, actually. Tony. He's in an urn, so. Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I thought you were gonna say he's in the 70s, 71 degree RV right now.

[Tom Segura]

It's incredible, but it's bold that you're doing this. That is bold. And you're. You're doing what you want to do. And I think.

[Patrick Cassiday]

Thank you.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is amazing stuff. You set a goal. You're doing it. So you're planning on staying in Austin?

[Patrick Cassiday]

I'm. I have to leave on the 10th, but I'm gonna just go back, sell my house and then I'm gonna come back here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Patrick Cassiday]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. What were you doing before?

[Patrick Cassiday]

Before my dad stroke, I was doing insurance. Pretty boring.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Mike Ivey]

Terrible.

[Patrick Cassiday]

Horrible life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Terrible.

[Patrick Cassiday]

Good money, horrible life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Amazing. It's amazing. Insurance. What. What insurance company?

[Patrick Cassiday]

Pnc. Basically, you know, home and auto.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, pnc.

[Patrick Cassiday]

Property and casualty.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right, well, how about a wife, kids, Anything?

[Ryan J E Belt]

Ex.

[Patrick Cassiday]

Wife. She just actually flew out here and visited me for while I was out here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[William Montgomery]

So.

[Ryan J E Belt]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She give you some of that? Ex.

[Patrick Cassiday]

No, no, we're just friends.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now. So you just. What?

[Pat Bautista]

What?

[Patrick Cassiday]

We're just friends.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Ryan J E Belt]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You didn't do anything.

[Patrick Cassiday]

I mean, you've done a thousand times. What? Thousand.

[Pat Bautista]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you into now? What are you doing now? You invite a girl back to the rv?

[Patrick Cassiday]

I did take a girl back to the RV from a comedy club.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Not too long ago, your dog.

[Patrick Cassiday]

On the back of my motorcycle.

[Ryan J E Belt]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Patrick Cassiday]

Jay came off on the way home on the motorcycle, too. It was pretty embarrassing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, what you say?

[Patrick Cassiday]

So she's a bitter, a little bit bigger girl, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Patrick Cassiday]

Chain came off on the way home on the motorcycle. I had to stop, put the chain.

[Tom Segura]

Chain came off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, What?

[Tom Segura]

The suspension.

[Patrick Cassiday]

She was off the chain. She was off the chain.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Patrick Cassiday]

You know who you are?

[Tom Segura]

Like you said, a little bit bigger girl.

[Patrick Cassiday]

A little bit bigger than me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Really? Bigger than you?

[Patrick Cassiday]

No, I was kidding. I was kidding.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Okay. All right, Patrick. Well, you know what? I love the story. The set was very, very, very okay. But not bad for 20 times. But all the amazing stuff that you said, I'm giving you a big joke book made by the great Bonsai. Thank you, everybody. It's real Texas leather with a lifetime guarantee. We're going to keep it moving along. You guys still having fun out there? Let's get a couple more quick sets, make some noise for this bucket pool. Scotty. Heim. Scotty. Heim. Scotty.

[Ryan J E Belt]

How we doing?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Austin.

[N]

So I'm from the Midwest and senior year of high school, I had a buddy of mine move from Compton to Iowa. And, you know, it's tough in Iowa when Compton's just a little better. He moved back after two years battling potholes. He decided to go back and fight the Bloods. He's a Crip from Compton, and. It was better to fight the Bloods than live in Iowa. Yeah. Does anybody here have conservative friends that love Latinas? It would make you think the border situation is a little less than a crisis. Like, the ideal situation would be like a Mexican glory hole. Like, I'll fuck you, but stay on that side of the wall, you know? Thank you, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Hi, Scotty. How are you?

[Mike Ivey]

Good.

[N]

How you doing?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's your first time on the show, right?

[Ryan J E Belt]

It is.

[N]

First time in Austin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Where are you visiting from?

[N]

From Quad Cities. Yep. Iowa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And how long have you been in town?

[N]

Since Friday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. You done anything fun? Anything good happen?

[N]

Most fun thing we've done is go to a gay bar, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What happened at the gay bar?

[N]

It was a great Time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What?

[Ryan J E Belt]

I.

[N]

No Tony jokes. He wasn't there. Promise.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was, but it was. No. Okay, go ahead. Why don't you tell us what actually happened at the gay bar, Scott?

[N]

I. I can't tell you. I don't remember the name of it. But three stories.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So much fun that you don't remember?

[N]

I forgot. I meant, you know, you. You do all that and what did you do? Dance. I. I hopped in the dance circle.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What song did you dance to? Do you remember that?

[N]

All of them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All of them.

[Mike Ivey]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Do you want to tell us something else?

[N]

I got tons of. Loads of stories to tell you, Tom.

[Tom Segura]

Nice. Very nice.

[N]

Loads of stories.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, we heard that. That. Yeah, we heard that. So you go to a gay bar, you dance. How does the night end?

[N]

In a hotel room with my best buddy sharing a king sized bed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He.

[N]

He organized it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perfect timing. Red band from three point red range. Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

You can't. You can't beat that. That was perfect.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, that was absolutely perfect. So how many buddies were in this king size bed?

[N]

Just me and one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just you and one.

[Tom Segura]

You said buddies.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[N]

Okay. Sorry.

[Tom Segura]

So it was one.

[N]

It was just one. Yeah. I promise I'm straight. I promise.

[Tom Segura]

You don't have to be.

[N]

I don't have to be, but I promise I am.

[Tom Segura]

And you and your buddy. Buddy.

[N]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Do you do this frequently? You guys do this a lot?

[N]

Pillow between the two.

[Tom Segura]

But do you guys go to gay bars a lot for fun?

[N]

That was my first time. And yeah, very impressed. I would argue I will be returning. Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I would argue that putting a pillow in between you and your buddy makes it more gay than not having a pillow there at all. Like, you guys need to actually build a little. Little fort blockade to keep your dicks away from each other's asses. That's what it takes. Is a physical wall a barrier or we don't. Like.

[Pat Bautista]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

After a night at multiple gay bars, like, like, man, the temptation is just growing right now.

[N]

Just one gay bar.

[Tom Segura]

Just one. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But it was three stories. You said it was.

[Tom Segura]

And we.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We.

[N]

We ventured to each story.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I bet you did.

[Tom Segura]

You look like you were teasing the boys that night. That's what the smile says. No, no, no, no, no.

[N]

Tease.

[Tom Segura]

You were not teasing.

[N]

I don't tease.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, you. Please. Okay. But you were.

[William Montgomery]

Dan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who were you? Were you dancing with some guys?

[N]

No, no, I was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were just dancing by yourself?

[Mike Ivey]

There was.

[N]

There were groups and I got introduced to the circle.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys were. You were doing the electric slide there for a second. Was it like that.

[N]

It was a lot of friction. And the electric slide.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why don't we see. Why don't you guys give me a little game music here and let's see what. Oh, the. Oh, the. Look at the horn voice. Yeah, yeah, we went. No, don't sing. Dance. Don't sing. They got the music we conquered. No, stop singing. Listen to me. No, keep playing. Keep playing. Don't sing. Just dance.

[Ryan J E Belt]

No dance.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here he is. Gay dancing. Ladies and gentlemen, Scotty Heim. Oh, okay. Oh, wow. All right, Scotty. That's enough. That's enough. Wow. Master improviser. Scotty Heim there with some gay miming. The old gay mime routine. So what do you do for work, Scotty?

[N]

I work for Coca Cola.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, well, not anymore. Unbelievable.

[N]

We're inclusive.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do at Coca Cola?

[N]

I'm in sales.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So. Amazing. The band is dying of laughter right now. I'm not sure what's going on back there. They must. You must know something. I don't. I think something fell out of your butt when you were dancing. So you're working at Coca Cola, living in Iowa. Why do you stay in Iowa? What's the point of doing such a thing? You went to the university there.

[N]

Born and raised.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you stay there. What do. What do you do? You just like milk and corn flakes. What's going on?

[N]

Corn flakes and milk. Can't beat that combination, first of all. Second of all.

[Mike Ivey]

My God, I hate it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very SPECIAL TBI Episode of Kill Tony, this is absolutely incredible. You fell off a trampoline when you were a kid. Bumped your head, Am I correct?

[N]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But you have hit your head very hard before.

[Roman Schmidt]

Yes?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. What was that? A car accident? No, a four wheeling accident.

[Tom Segura]

Farming equipment.

[N]

Farming equipment.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was farming equipment. No. You're just lying to us.

[N]

A baseball bat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What happened with the B. What happened with the baseball bat?

[N]

I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What happened with the baseball bat?

[N]

Not too many head injuries, to be honest. I. You know in baseball how you do the cool, like, baseball bat moves? I tried that one time and I literally struck the back of my head with my own bat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

That's like one of the dumbest ways you can do that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's unbelievable.

[N]

I have. Dumber.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you ever thought about surrounding yourself at all times with pillows? Those.

[N]

That's why me and my buddy put one between us.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, that's right. How old are you?

[N]

I'm 24.

[Tom Segura]

And how long you been doing.

[N]

This is my 20th time. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

W. Wait, that's a second 20th time. That is unbelievable.

[N]

People hear that? Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, that. What. What are the absolute odds of that? Incredible. Did your father have a stroke after the vaccine?

[N]

No, he just struck my mother.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. There you go. Your first joke. You know what? You know what I'm gonna do? Just because of that, I'm gonna put down the little joke book and I'm gonna pick up a big one. Appreciate it. There you go. You got one joke at the end. There he goes. He slid into home plate, just stroked my mother. Scotty Hine. All right, let's go with one last bucket pull here, Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Pat Bautista, everybody. Pat Batista, make some noise for him. These people waited all day, everybody.

[Pat Bautista]

I just moved here three weeks ago, and I like it. It's great. Your. Your moths.

[William Montgomery]

They're.

[Pat Bautista]

They're the moths.

[M]

They're.

[Pat Bautista]

They're. They're. They're big and they're intimidating. And I think if they were. If they could. If they could speak, like, English, they'd say bro a lot. And I don't get along with the moths there. They're way too big, and they're just too much. Okay, so look, I came here to cleanse my. The LA out of me. I grew up in la, and it's gonna be a rough road. When I was third grade, my teacher used to force us to watch his acting reel. And he did not have any lines. He just. He had, like a thick mustache and hair plugs, and we just kind of look where he goes and you. Okay, I went to him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, Pat Bautista here with the Austin Moth Report. Pretty sure what you're seeing are bats. Pretty sure those are bats. What's up with that whale?

[Pat Bautista]

I saw a big moth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You saw a big moth? Perhaps a butterfly.

[Pat Bautista]

It was a moth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you know it's a moth? Talking to the tip of that microphone.

[Pat Bautista]

Okay. It could have been like a baby owl, but it was big. It looked moth like, you know, it was the same color.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's huge moths out here.

[Roman Schmidt]

For sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's some big moths. Yeah, I see them all, like one like this big. Looked like a little hummingbird almost. Where do you see these moths at? Up north? Yeah, up north.

[Tom Segura]

It's crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

On the outside of your window, they come on the patio and they just sit there and it's scary.

[Pat Bautista]

They're huge.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Pat Bautista]

And they have. They got big eye, big guy energy, too. They just don't move. They don't like your.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you getting bullied by moths? Dude, this guy. It's Unbelievable, these people. What do the moths ever do to you? What do they do?

[Pat Bautista]

I don't know. They're just. I don't like their attitude. They just don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They don't move.

[Pat Bautista]

They're just like. You're there, and they don't even, like, get scared. They're just like, yeah, I'm here. I don't like moss that I kicked them ass, but it looked like a blood. Like a murder scene. If you hit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've killed one before.

[Pat Bautista]

No, I was. I know. I. I don't know. It's big. They're big. I don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, killing a moth is bad luck.

[Pat Bautista]

Oh, is it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's 10 years bad luck, especially if you're Filipino. What. What ethnicity are you?

[Pat Bautista]

Filipino.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Damn. That's terrible. I cannot believe that you're Filipino. That is shocking to me. Even though you're built like Manny Pacquiao's left leg. This is amazing. How long have you been trying stand up comedy, pat?

[Pat Bautista]

It's about 10. It's about 10 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, whoa. No way.

[Pat Bautista]

10 years?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you kidding?

[Pat Bautista]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How long have you been doing stand up? Let's just answer honestly.

[Pat Bautista]

It's been about 10 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Start talking like a fucking moth, dude. Here I am. I know. I'm really big. Don't kill me.

[Pat Bautista]

Pat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pat Bautista, please show me some mercy. All right. 10 years. Where have you been doing it for 10 years?

[Pat Bautista]

In LA. Oh, yeah, it's where.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where in LA? The Comedy Store. Open mics. Where at?

[Pat Bautista]

Yeah, I mean, for all we know,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you could be a main room regular at the Comedy Store, right? Okay, that's only funny to us. All right.

[Pat Bautista]

Kill Tony.

[Ryan J E Belt]

Yeah,

[Pat Bautista]

that's how I did kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You did kill Tony three times in a row.

[Pat Bautista]

And then the fourth time, I was too. Well, no, that was the third time.

[Grinch Martinez]

It was.

[Pat Bautista]

I was too messed up to get up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were too messed up to get up? What happened there?

[Pat Bautista]

Comedy Store weed. That. It surprised me. And then I went into the parking lot and I just stayed in my car because I didn't. I thought the windows were. I don't know. I just couldn't. And I was really stoned. Something surprised me.

[Tom Segura]

Did you smoke weed before this set?

[Pat Bautista]

Huh?

[Tom Segura]

You just. You smoke some weed before this set?

[Pat Bautista]

No. You.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You.

[Pat Bautista]

You sound like a. The police.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, well, I just want the. You know the answer.

[Pat Bautista]

Yes, I did.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, all right, cool.

[Pat Bautista]

But I couldn't handle the ones that

[Tom Segura]

I. Yeah, no, no, because it's. I. I actually think it's obvious You've been on stage a lot. You. You. You're very kind, comfortable on stage. But then when you were just like, I'm gonna talk about moths, I was like, okay.

[Pat Bautista]

Like, I didn't know how it worked. I didn't know if. If I get out and just go to my jokes. So I just went with whatever was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You said that you've done this show three times before in Los Angeles.

[Pat Bautista]

That was years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The format has never changed, not for a single episode. So when you say you didn't know, what do you mean?

[Pat Bautista]

I, I. It's been a while, so I don't really. I don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You watch the show?

[Pat Bautista]

I don't. I didn't remember. Yeah. When I was out there and you

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

heard other people before you. Right. You were back there, but you didn't know.

[Pat Bautista]

I. I got a little add and so I don't. Certain things don't soak in the brain. My brain.

[Tom Segura]

Do you only do stand up high? Be honest.

[Pat Bautista]

No, I just start. Well, I mean, yeah. Lately, I'm trying to stop. That's the reason why I'm like, you're

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

trying to stop a what? Comedy.

[Pat Bautista]

No, weed. We doing. Com. Doing. Doing comedy.

[Cam Patterson]

We.

[Tom Segura]

We doing comedy.

[Grinch Martinez]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I believe Cam said that earlier.

[Tom Segura]

Too much weed. Doing comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We'd be doing comedy. So, Pat, I mean, so many questions. The longer this interview goes, the more questions I have. What is. Why is it so hard for you to wait until after you're set to smoke marijuana? Why not do your work and then reward yourself?

[Pat Bautista]

It is stressful, but I'm gonna change because I'm. That's the plan. Definitely. No, I am.

[Tom Segura]

You gotta channel.

[Pat Bautista]

This was just the week.

[Tom Segura]

You gotta channel some of that nervousness and anxiety into the performance. And don't numb it with anything else. Just do the set and deal with the nerves and the anxiety and all the stress. And then when you get off stage, do it. You'll probably find it hits way different when you do that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, there's no question about that. Cheers to that. Taking it head on.

[Tom Segura]

Because you'd have a clear head about the set. You were gonna plan out for this, and you'd stay focused on it, and you come out, do your set, and you'd be tight. Cause it's obvious. I can tell that you've been on stage a lot. I could tell. Like the other fucking lunatics that were out here, I could tell. I could tell they came from the bus stop, and I could tell that you've been on stage a lot, but that's the problem. Like, you know, a lot of the guys we start with, like, they would always, like, do shots or drink, and if it becomes, like, a crutch for it to deal with it, then it eventually becomes too much. You know what I mean? It overwhelms the performance. So you just. I mean, you're a savvy guy. You're funny, you're naturally charismatic. You're very funny. So just. Yeah, just smoke weed when you're done, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. When do you start smoking weed? No doubt about that. You must listen to what Tom just said. You've been doing it 10 years. And I literally thought when you said, I've been doing it 10 times, I thought you were gonna say times, because the last two guys have done it 20 times, and you're worse than them. Hey, sorry. I know moths be scary and all, but, I mean, you just didn't have me, really.

[Tom Segura]

But the wheat, the weed is why you're like. I'm like, these moths are crazy. Like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, exactly. That's fine.

[Cam Patterson]

What the.

[William Montgomery]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

And then you didn't even get to your set because, like, your set was starting to go right.

[Grinch Martinez]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When do you start smoking? Do you. First of all, can I take a guess here? I'm a long time stoner, but I wait. I tend to wait at least until after I'm done with work. Can I take a wild guess here and say that you smoke out of a water bong? Am I correct?

[Pat Bautista]

No. That's what got me addicted was the water bottle.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Pat Bautista]

During the. During lockdown. That's what got me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What did you smoke today, for example? Got it. What did you smoke today? A joint. A blunt. Yeah, it's a very easy question. Okay. A joint.

[Pat Bautista]

Somehow I was, like, thinking about strands and it's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Where were you when you smoked this joint? Stick with me here, Pat. Very easy questions. Literally couldn't be an easier question. Where did you smoke the weed today? Were you in a car? Were you out back here? You were just out back here? Did they already tell you that you were going up and then you smoked? Okay.

[Pat Bautista]

I've been waiting out there for a while. I didn't think.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, no, I know.

[Pat Bautista]

I was going to get.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know. Yeah. Sign up started four hours ago. Yeah, I know. That's when you started smoking.

[Pat Bautista]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And when's the last time that you smoked weed? If you had to guess, about an hour ago, two hours ago, or. Ben, four hours ago when you got here?

[Pat Bautista]

Probably like an hour ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You smoked a couple times.

[Pat Bautista]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just in case.

[Pat Bautista]

Yeah. It was just not. I did not. I did not think I was going to get picked. I really.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I did not think I was going to get back. I hear a little bit of that Filipino, which your parents do. What nail salon do they work at, Am I correct?

[Pat Bautista]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What do your parents do for a living?

[Pat Bautista]

My parents. My mom's dead.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh. So she's.

[Pat Bautista]

That's her job.

[Mike Ivey]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. That is a full time job.

[Tom Segura]

That's funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's. See, that's what.

[Tom Segura]

That's very funny, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tom is spot on. You're a funny guy. You just need to not.

[Tom Segura]

And the other reason. The other reason that you got to do it after is that if you start to rely on it, the shows get bigger and bigger. The pressure gets higher and higher. And so, like, if you're doing a huge theater and arena, you don't want to have to be like, oh, I gotta. I gotta get it. You know, I'm used to smoking before that. It's gonna overwhelm you. You know what I mean? So you gotta perform. I mean, I know some people do. Performance over, dude. Perform sober. Get high in the morning if you want to. Get high when you get off stage. Now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. That's why I've been telling Red Band to not drink before the show for 11 and a half years. Everybody swears he needs it. Can't go without dad.

[Trey Campbell]

He told you Mom? Yeah, Mom's dead.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What about Mom's dead? She died from nail polish poison.

[Pat Bautista]

There was no nail polish.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did mom die?

[Pat Bautista]

That's Vietnamese, I think.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, what you say? Vietnamese doing nails. What you say nails?

[Pat Bautista]

It's like more of Vietnamese Korean thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right.

[Tom Segura]

Your mom was a nurse, right?

[Pat Bautista]

No, my mom was like a white American mixed. Okay, so she was a secretary.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that makes sense. A white woman job. White woman job.

[Tom Segura]

Your dad. Who's your dad?

[Pat Bautista]

My dad works for lax.

[Tom Segura]

Lax, okay. At the airport. All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What does a Filipino man do at lax? Baggage.

[Pat Bautista]

Oh, trafficking. No, she. He does the baggage. Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's a Filipino guy in charge of directing the traffic.

[Pat Bautista]

Get him. Get him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No wonder I'm stuck on the Jetway for an hour and a half every time. Oh, we're going that way. No, this way. This way. No, that way. I up. Oh, my God, is that a moth? Oh, no, it airplane. I'm sorry. Airplane. I thought you were a big crazy ma. If your mom is white, your dad has to be 180% Filipino. By the way, way, how you ended up looking like this.

[Pat Bautista]

Yeah, it's my dad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, my dad. Oh, God. I kept you up here. Wait, how long are you in town for?

[Pat Bautista]

Oh, no, I'm staying here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I live here now. You know, I'd love to give you five minutes on the secret show. Are you serious? You're giving him five minutes? And the 22 year old guy that kills every time. You know, I, I love the moth material.

[Ryan J E Belt]

I, I, yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

there you go.

[Tom Segura]

I want you to check his eyes first before he gets stage.

[Roman Schmidt]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Before I let you go. 10 years of standup. Yeah, you got to have something better than all that moth stuff. How many you think we should hear? His best joke that he's ever written in his entire life, ladies and gentlemen. All right, Red band, very smart. I love what he's pitching to me. Red band says if this joke sucks, you don't get to do the secret show. Oh, man.

[Pat Bautista]

Oh, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But how about this? If it goes good, you get six minutes of the secret show. An extra 60 seconds, ladies and gentlemen. Ten years in the game. Here he is with his best joke ever. It could be as short or as whatever as you want. He's really. You could tell he's still trying to think of what his best joke he's ever written is. Ladies and gentlemen, Stoner, the son of a traffic director and a dead white woman. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the best joke in 10 years of Pat Bautista.

[Pat Bautista]

That one was my top one. Okay, I'm gonna need some money. If you go to only filipinomonkeyfeet.com. I, I got really long toes and I got some bangers. I got the one where I got holding a banana with my big toe and then me, and then me climbing a tree, right? And then since it was tax season where I wrote this joke. You know those cute little calculators? 99 cent store. I got that on the big toe. And then my W2's on the next and then the rest receipts with the caption. I came prepared. So if you got that monkey feet money, I got you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm pretty sure this guy's doing six minutes on Thursday. Good enough. The crowd laughed. You should have ended it a minute sooner. But there he goes. What do you. All right. Jesus Christ almighty. Got little monkey hands too. Pat Bautista. All right. That was fun, huh? I think there's only one way to end an episode like this. Ladies and gentlemen. This is a long awaited return. This guy was out of commission last week. I'm sure he's back just a bundle of energy. He is a Kill Tony hall of Famer. He is the record holder for all time appearances and interviews in the history of the show. Fresh off of more sold out shows. The man is an absolute machine. In fact, he is a big red machine indeed. I present to you the Vanilla Gorilla. The Memphis Strangler. The Tijuana Tornado. The Vienna Vaginal Vortex. This is Lights Out William Montgomery.

[William Montgomery]

And Tony. Tony, just for the record, I'm high as fuck right now, man. Holy shit. Big congratulations to Lizzo. She is now focusing on her health and has lost half of her body weight. Lizzo, I'm sure it feels so much better to be walking around at £450. You big ass bitch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can't stand you bitch.

[William Montgomery]

Somebody told me that hall and Oates broke up. I didn't even realize they were dating. I thought you would like that. Maybe. Tom. Shit. Hey Tony, what do you commit when you quit smoking cigarettes and start using pouches? Zinfidelity. Look, I'm not saying Redband has monkey pox, but why is his fiance now calling him Honky Kong?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, that's my time. Hell yes. 55 seconds of thunder and lightning. Only he can do it quite, quite like that. Calling Lizzo a straight up bitch.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, she is nasty. But she is losing weight, so I'm really happy for her. It's gonna add years to her life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

Cause the pat she was on, I mean that fucking nasty fat bitch, she was probably dying in I don't know, three fucking years or something. But this will probably at least extend her life. I don't know. 15, 20. So be good. It seems like she's real successful right now. So. Tom, it's so nice to see you.

[Tom Segura]

It's great to see you, buddy.

[William Montgomery]

Tom actually took me out. It's the one time I had asked for so many years if I could open up for people. And Tom, you were the first kind soul to say yes to me. So I still thank you so much.

[Tom Segura]

Absolutely. And it happened at a Kill Tony show.

[William Montgomery]

It happened? Yes. The only time on Kill Tony.

[Tom Segura]

It worked. Yeah, we had fun, man. That was a good time.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, I used to hang out with that Filipino dude all the time at the Comedy Store. We used to do cocaine and drink drink together.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[William Montgomery]

That's not a lie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. So is that true?

[William Montgomery]

Yes. I used to get up with. I don't. I forgot his name. I don't even know his name. But yeah, we used to get fucked up all the time at the comedy school.

[Trey Campbell]

Really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You?

[William Montgomery]

And yes. I was a mess. I loved it. I love Filipino people.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You really did cocaine with him.

[William Montgomery]

I think we did, yeah. There were a number of people, Tony. I would end up being up all night on Monday nights and just going to do blow at different people's apartment. And they were probably lucky I didn't kill them. Or I was lucky, lucky I didn't get killed. I don't know. A lot of people could have been killed in that scenario, but nobody was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were a wild boy back in the day. I don't think people remember. And, you know, we've grown a lot the last couple few years. I don't even think these new fans know what you used to be like.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, I don't think they realize for just a little. Little insider baseball. Every kiltona you've ever seen me at at the Comedy Store, I was high on cocaine in my vodka Sprite. Every single Kill Tony appearance at the Comedy Store. So you like.

[Tom Segura]

I guess, scratch all the advice that I gave. This worked out great, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

Except this guy hasn't really laughed at anything. I don't know what his fucking issue is. He looks like a fucking little twink over there. He got the little twink table over there, other than that, and that little fucking pussy right over there. Did you think I didn't see you, you fucking idiot? Did you think I didn't see you? Tom is. I look up to Tom, so don't fuck with me when he's up on the stage, dumbass. You must be one of the idiots talking shit or something. I can tell just by you're not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. This guy's been laughing the whole time, William.

[William Montgomery]

Oh, has he?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's crazy that you would attack him.

[William Montgomery]

I'm kidding. I apologize. Seriously, I'm sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That guy right there with the long hair and glasses. Has a man been laughing at all, though? Oh, there he goes. He started smiling at me.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, he looks pretty strange down there. Have you not been having fun, sir? Huh? What? Yeah, I could hear you, dumbass.

[Mike Ivey]

I don't.

[William Montgomery]

I was just trying to see if I could actually get you to keep on repeating yourself like an idiot.

[Grinch Martinez]

What the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But, yeah.

[William Montgomery]

Tony, it is so nice to be back. Yeah, I'm sorry I missed out. I wasn't feeling it. And my voice, even right now, is totally wrecked, so we'll see. I'm at Mall of America this weekend, Tony, so, really looking forward to Mall of America.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are your plans at the Mall of America?

[William Montgomery]

Probably get on my rollerblades and skate through that motherfucker like Mighty Ducks. I think I'm gonna go through it like the Mighty Ducks. That's my goal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that where they were set out of?

[Roman Schmidt]

I think.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that true? Were they in Minneapolis?

[M]

Yeah, I think.

[William Montgomery]

Right?

[M]

Red Band?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, Red Band. Our senior Mighty Duck correspondent.

[Mike Ivey]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So the Mall of America. I've never been to the Mall of America. I've heard about it a lot. Have you been there? Oh, yeah. I've done a couple of weekends there at the House of Comedy.

[Grinch Martinez]

Awesome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You did?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's roller coasters in the middle of it and stuff.

[Tom Segura]

It's fucking fun.

[William Montgomery]

People showed up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Up.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Mike Ivey]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When was. When was this. When were you headlining the Mall of America? Like five years ago. Wow. Oh, what the hell is that? Oh, that's. I love it. Amazing. So what else is going on, William? Tell us more.

[William Montgomery]

Oh, man, I'm just. Tony, I don't know. I think I'm. Very soon. I gotta figure. I gotta. I gotta chill for a little bit. I feel like I'm. The comedy's going wonderful. I'm feeling very strong about the comedy. As strong as ever. But I gotta take a little break here soon. I have to take some sort of a break, Tony. I'm getting burnt out a little. But is that funny? What's kind of funny about that? You can only imagine what I'm going through right now. You dumb. You can only imagine what's funny about that? Seriously. What was funny about that? Just the idea of me struggling or something and need to take a little break. Is that what's funny about that? Huh? Is that what was funny? Me kind of struggling a little bit in my life? Yeah. Oh, my gosh. Thanks, sir. Thanks. You fucking idiot.

[Trey Campbell]

Look at you.

[William Montgomery]

You look quite.

[Tom Segura]

God, William, have you been on the road a lot? Is that why.

[William Montgomery]

I have almost every weekend. It's been wonderful.

[Tom Segura]

Been a ton.

[William Montgomery]

I have been a lot.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, so you're kind of getting burned out from the road.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, no, it's wonderful, but I just have to take a little break.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's normal. You should.

[William Montgomery]

So we'll see.

[Tom Segura]

Good man.

[William Montgomery]

But it's been a lot of fun.

[Tom Segura]

And please give.

[William Montgomery]

You have a birthday. Get a cameo, please. But those things are take. They've continued to take over my life. I've now done over 7200 of the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's literally one of the best money makers on all of the cameo.

[Tom Segura]

How much is a cameo?

[William Montgomery]

I end up seeing around, I don't know, 100 bucks.

[Tom Segura]

They're 100 bucks a piece.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh?

[William Montgomery]

So do the math on that.

[Tom Segura]

You little.

[William Montgomery]

You think that's funny?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. How. How. How much is each cameo?

[William Montgomery]

I think it's 155. I was just getting so many. I've continued to have to do the price up. I was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's.

[William Montgomery]

I was getting 100. I was having 100 to 150 at a time. And. And it's. That's daunting. That's when I start feeling like I'm going crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

According to Red Band's calculations, you've made $1.1 million.

[Cam Patterson]

No.

[William Montgomery]

Cameo takes way more than that. No, it's nowhere near that. But. Because it's not always. That's not always been the price, but that's just what it is right this second.

[Tom Segura]

Holy.

[William Montgomery]

So you don't really need to do any calculations.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ribbing.

[William Montgomery]

I think it'll be hard for you to figure out what I have actually made. Oh, 69.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Red ban. Now, William, one of the things that I find so interesting about you in real life, and this isn't brought up on the show very often, but you're a very thrifty guy. I find you to be kind of like, you know. I wouldn't say smart with your money. It's kind of interesting because you do make vast sums of money. You do not. You do not spend it much at all. You could tell by the pretty frugal tonight.

[William Montgomery]

I've just been losing mass sums of money on the stock market. No, I'm kidding. The stock market's been good. Gotta give a shout out to my guy Chief there. He's my financial analyst. I'm not even kidding. Thank you, Chief. No, but, yeah, I've just been doing that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But now, what do you spend your money on? What are some ways that you're not frugal?

[William Montgomery]

I get the real versions of Oreos. I don't get the knockoff versions of Oreos. I get the real fucking versions of the cereal. I don't get the bags of the cereal that the poor people get on the bottom. I don't get that. I get the actual things of cereal. That's kind of it. I don't know. Got a TV. I don't know. Eight months ago.

[Tom Segura]

Nice one.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, pretty nice. Like a 45 inch. The bedroom.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. That's balling, dude.

[William Montgomery]

But, yeah. I don't know, Tony. I'm working on it.

[Trey Campbell]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Well, I love it. And you fly? Do you fly first class?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you have a preference in where you sit on a flight?

[William Montgomery]

I like to sit at the very back of the plane because I want to watch everybody screaming and crying as the plane is getting crushed up forward. So if I'm at the very back, I'm going to have at least a second of just getting the absolute carnage unfolding in front of my fucking face. So I sit at the back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William, you have absolutely done it again. The only way to end a show like this is with you. Is there anything you want to do to take us out, William, just have fun this week. You think you'll always be. You think you'll always be in the back of the plane? Shit, I think I probably. They're not gonna die on the back of the plane. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. The drawing from Ryan J E Belt is in. We did it again. How about a hand for Tom Segura, ladies and gentlemen?

[Cam Patterson]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Get your damn tickets to The Moody Center, 2-22-25, and the Ball arena in Denver, September 14. And everything else, awesome fun. Tom Segura, the specials, the podcast, everything. How about one more time for the best damn band on the land, huh? Matt Muhling on the electric guitar. John Dees on the keys, Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo and Raul Vallejo. The drawing from Chris Rogers, Cam Patterson tonight. I love it. Thank you guys so much. Red Band, you want to say thank you, guys? Thank you. Thank you again to Tom Segura, the man. Thank you, live audience. Good night, everybody.

[Trey Campbell]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sam. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas, is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Sam.