#735 - TRIPLE H + CARROT TOP

Summary

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Kill Tony #735 – Triple H + Carrot Top (Sept 16, 2025)

Venue: Comedy Mothership, Austin, Texas

Special Guests: Triple H (Paul Levesque), Carrot Top

Hosts: Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban

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Episode Overview

This wild, energetic episode of Kill Tony brings together two icons from completely different worlds: Triple H, WWE legend and chief content officer, and Carrot Top, the legendary prop comic. The hosts lead both through a raucous, unpredictable night as aspiring and local comedians pull their names from the infamous “bucket,” each performing an unrehearsed minute before submitting to unpredictable interviews, roasting, and on-the-spot riffing. Interwoven: Carrot Top’s prop bag and the excitement over WWE’s new collaboration with ESPN.

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Notable Episode Themes

• Unpredictability and controlled mayhem: With legends from wrestling and prop comedy as guests, the show leans into rowdy crowd work, offbeat improvisation, and sharp, sometimes abrasive humor.
• Comedy community impact: Several comedians reflect on the "Kill Tony bump" and how the show’s exposure has literally changed their lives.
• Comedy as confession booth: Interviews dig up unfiltered—sometimes dark—truths about comics’ jobs, families, partners, and substance use.
• Recurring Kill Tony motifs: Roasting AT&T, struggling with sobriety, polyamorous families, and the ever-growing legend of William Montgomery.

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Key Segments, Quotes, and Highlights

1. The Entrance: Icon Overload

Triple H and Carrot Top wow the room.

• [03:39] Tony: "WWE is now teamed up with ESPN... And Carrot Top is also here."
• [03:50] Carrot Top (joking about joining wrestling): “I’m also in wrestling. We just talked about it... We’re going to do a little tag team thing later.”

2. AT&T Job Roasts & Comedian Interviews

A string of comedians share horror stories and jokes about working for AT&T, turning into a running theme.

Sean Stewart ([13:44]–[20:51])

• [14:51] Fifth appearance; jokes about “boofing” alcohol.
• [15:28] Details how AT&T outsourced his job to Mexico:
  "I worked in tech support and I trained Mexico to do my job... I trained them over Zoom."
• [17:35] Accidentally cusses out an old lady on a call, not realizing he was unmuted:
  “I fucking hate you. I hate this fucking job. Please fucking kill me.”
• [16:19] New career pivot: “I’ve been doing photography for about a year or so and I got a job.”

Mike Holder ([22:30]–[29:02])

• [24:18] On working for AT&T sales:
  "I’m in sales."
  Tony: "So you're the one selling the shitty devices that poor Sean has to defend."
• [25:30] Born in Sudan, shares quick cultural contrasts:
  “North Africa. Fun fact about Sudan: we got more pyramids than Egypt.”
• The AT&T “theme of the night”—joked about repeatedly by the hosts.

3. Carrot Top’s Prop Interludes

Throughout, Carrot Top breaks tension and amps up the crowd with notoriously odd inventions:

• [29:13] “This is a cell phone case, so your girlfriend can’t get into it when you go to bed. Now, it was a Trump joke, because he can’t tweet, right?”
• [54:55] Toilet paper roll that flips over or under: “If you want it under, it goes under, and if you want it over, you flip it.”
• [103:11] “Gun control: You can’t shoot a gun unless you solve a Rubik’s Cube. You have to be smart to shoot somebody.”
• [104:30] Coffee mug for lesbians (with “Ellen” label).
• [107:16] “I made boots that have the soles reversed. You can’t trace their steps.”

4. Comics with Striking Backstories

Ike Gazarian ([06:24]–[13:03])

• Performs edgy, “Russian/Armenian” jokes.
• Discusses how Kill Tony rescued his San Diego hookah bar:
  “Kill Tony bump is real… The show really has changed my life. I almost went fucking broke.”
• On his Siberian Asian-Russian wife:
  “She’s happy in San Diego. She’s like a tough lady. She calls you a pussy a lot.”

Spencer Eskridge ([39:56]–[49:19])

• Manages a Bastrop brewery, nominated “best bartender.”
• Wild story: Two therapists during court-mandated counseling were later discovered to be sex offenders:
  “I could tell something was weird… didn’t show up to work one day, found out they’d both been (with a 17-year-old)...”
• On hobbies: “Witchcraft? I don’t know. Gave a palm reading and a tarot reading at Shakespeare’s just now for fun.”

Cameron Mai ([71:37]–[80:51])

• 22, grew up with a polyamorous mother and multiple stepdads: “Your childhood is just your childhood… to me, my mom having a polyamorous relationship wasn’t that weird.”
• Works manufacturing brain-computer interfaces for an Elon Musk competitor, Paradromics.
• “I love my girlfriend very much”—in a string of awkwardly forced reassurances after confessing he’s sometimes “mean to her friends.”

Doc Ferry ([81:03]–[90:06])

• Retired Army, 23 years; PTSD (from ex-wives as much as war):
  “When I was going through the retirement physical, they said, 'You have PTSD.' I said, 'I do?' They said, 'Yep. But it’s not from war; it’s from your ex-wives.'"
• Built a comedy club on his property:
  “I do all my stand up in there by myself. And I have to trust that what I do is funny.”

5. William Montgomery Closes the Show ([95:58]–[101:07])

• Jokes connecting Triple H and Carrot Top as his “spiritual parents.”
• Reminisces about meeting Carrot Top as a child in the Memphis airport:
  “Carrot Top, it is you. And I turn around and you say, ‘What’s up, brother?’ and shake my hand. It was the sweetest thing ever…”
• Roasts SNL’s Cam Patterson, referencing Kill Tony’s edgiest moments.
• [98:51] Carrot Top: “That sucks about getting older… I have people saying, ‘You fucked my mom… next it’ll be, you fucked my grandma.’”
• [99:27] Tony: “I didn’t realize there was a redhead ‘thing’—it’s like their scooter wave.”

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Triple H Spotlights

• [59:02] On favorite wrestling years:
  Triple H: "The heel stuff for me was always where I wanted to be in my career. But if you're just saying, just having a crazy time. DX was just us thinking about what dumb shit can we do this week… we were threatening to get fired every week."
• [57:30] Uncle Laser comes dressed in DX merch, gets to nerd out:
  “You miss just hitting someone over the head with a steel chair?”
• [57:38] Wrestling’s synergy with comedy:
  “It's been a common theme tonight... I feel like.”

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Best Carrot Top Moments

• [29:13] “This is amazing. This cell phone case... cracked and broke. Thank you, American Airlines.”
• [54:55] "Who else has a purse with a tape measure in it?"
• [103:11] “Gun control: You can’t shoot a gun unless you solve a Rubik’s Cube… By the time you figure it out, they’re gone.”
• [104:30] “This is a coffee cup for lesbians—see, they can...”
• [107:16] “Made boots that have the soles reversed. You can’t trace their steps.”

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Comedic Standout Quotes

• On AT&T Jobs:
  “AT&T HR has a lot of work to do when this episode comes out.” – Brian Redban [24:02]
• Comedy community shout out:
  “Kill Tony bump is real… The show really has changed my life.” – Ike Gazarian [09:39]
• On awkward vibes:
  "I've never felt safer, sitting next to Triple H." – Carrot Top [68:28]
• Nailing the Vibe:
  “I look like the love child of Triple H and Carrot Top after a passionate night of hot, steamy steroids.” – William Montgomery [95:58]

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Comedians of the Night – Quick Rundown

| Name | Background Highlights | Jokes/Themes | Memorable Interview Bits | |-------------------|------------------------------------------------|------------------------------------------|------------------------------------------------| | Ike Gazarian | Russian/Armenian, runs SD Hookah Bar | Edgy ethnic/race humor | “Kill Tony bump” saved his business [08:31] | | Sean Stewart | AT&T tech, photographer | Boofing, sobriety, job misery | “I trained Mexico to do my job…” [15:28] | | Mike Holder | From Sudan/SA, AT&T sales | One-liners, culture clash | “Sudan has more pyramids than Egypt” [25:30] | | Matt Rivera | Puerto Rican, diabetic, burger chef | Young uncle, diabetes, blood sugar | Diagnosed at Disney World, “goofy decision” | | Spencer Eskridge | Brewer, nominated “Best Bartender” | Gender, therapy horror stories | Therapists busted for sex w/ minors [46:19] | | Uncle Laser | Local favorite | Western movie rape scene, wrestling | Fans out to Triple H about DX days | | Ronaldo Mercado | Door guy, BMX rider, “fat” jokes | Eating, scooters, girlfriend | “I’m petite in San Antonio” | | Cameron Mai | Polyamorous mom, brain tech job | Stepdads, monogamy, masturbation | “It takes a village to make my mom come” | | Doc Ferry | Army vet/PTSD, builds own comedy club | Riffing on anxiety/wives, personal | “Not from war, PTSD is from my ex-wives” | | Jim Talley | Loud, bold, Africa/US background | Cigarette warnings, Flavor Flav | Quick impressions; banana/Tony roast | | Aaron Silverstein | Former cannabis grower, surreal presence | "Bugs", drugs, former "meth hero" | “I was a methed out superhero—The Circuit” | | William Montgomery| Closer, legend of Kill Tony, redhead | Triple H + Carrot Top riffs, SNL zings | “Carrot Top, you inspired me in Memphis…” |

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Notable Timestamps

• [03:22] – Carrot Top and Triple H take the stage
• [13:43] – "Bucket" portion begins with Sean Stewart
• [29:13] – Carrot Top’s first major prop break
• [57:30] – Uncle Laser’s DX superfan moment
• [59:02] – Triple H gets interviewed about DX era
• [71:37] – Cameron Mai, poly household riffing
• [95:58] – William Montgomery closes with classic redhead + wrestling bits
• [103:04] – Carrot Top’s gun control Rubik’s cube prop

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Tone & Style

• Language/Tone: Unapologetically brash, irreverent, and frenetic. Riffs range from gleefully crude to cleverly meta.
• Atmosphere: Communal, participatory, unpredictable—a roast, town hall, and meta-comedy all at once.

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Concluding Notes

The show goes out on a high, with Carrot Top’s prop marathon and affectionate roasts of all involved. Triple H stays in “good sport” mode, playing up wrestling mythology, and the comics leave nothing un-mined—sex, work, childhood, cultural identity—no matter how uncomfortable.

If ever there’s a Kill Tony episode to encapsulate its unpredictable energy, love for outcasts, and fondness for off-the-cuff brilliance, this is it.

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Transcript

[Brian Redband]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

[Brian Redband]

Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever. Shop Squad tv.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[Brian Redband]

Hey, this is Frederick coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony. It's. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Brian Redband. What's up? And that is, without a doubt, the best damn band in the land. Make some noise for him, everybody. Raul Vallejo,

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Carlos Sosa, Nachos Belgrande, Michael

[Brian Redband]

Gonzalez, Matt Muhling, John Deeson. This is the Great D Madness, everybody.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

How exciting is this? When I tell you we have an un fucking believable show for you, I really mean it.

[Brian Redband]

And you're gonna find out all about

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

it when we get back from these fine messages from the sponsors that made it.

[Brian Redband]

Are you guys ready to start tonight's bucking show or what?

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Every single week, I book two of the funniest guests in the world, two of the greatest entertainers. This week might be my finest work of my entire life

[Brian Redband]

as I present

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

to you one of the greatest wrestlers,

[Brian Redband]

one of the greatest entertainers of all time, and a frontrunner for the 2025 guest of the Year. At the same time, I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, Triple H and Carrot Hawk. Yeah, yeah. Triple. Carrot top. Oh, yeah. Oh, yes.

[Carrot Top]

Hold on, I gotta sit here.

[Brian Redband]

We are in the old.

[Carrot Top]

Gotta sit here. Thank you. Thank you, tr. Thank you, Bubby.

[Brian Redband]

Oh, make some fucking noise for Triple H and Carrot Top. Oh, my God, we are in it. Triple H, the man, the Myth is here.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

WWE is now teamed up with ESPN, everybody. All their biggest events are now on ESPN's new streaming service. And Carrot Top is also here.

[Carrot Top]

I'm the. I'm also in wrestling. I've just started. We just. We just talked about it.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

We're going to do a little tag

[Carrot Top]

team thing later yet.

[Cameron Mai]

Oh.

[Jim Talley]

Oh,

[Carrot Top]

I better start drink. I better hydrate.

[Brian Redband]

Someone's going to be buried alive in a. In a chest full of.

[Carrot Top]

God,

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

it is incredible to have you here.

[Carrot Top]

It's like Gallagher was here. There's water everywhere.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

It's very exciting. The greatest entrance in electricity and Water history. How you doing, Carrot Top?

[Carrot Top]

I'm doing all right. I look great.

[Brian Redband]

Right on, right?

[Carrot Top]

I have three. I know. You don't want to miss a thing.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

Carrot Top is the reason I am now bald.

[Carrot Top]

Yes.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

That was my future and I was like it. I'm shaving.

[Mike Holder]

That's great.

[Brian Redband]

Oh, I love it. Carrot Top, one of the front runners

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

for the 2025 guest of the year.

[Brian Redband]

Man, that was stiff competition this year.

[Carrot Top]

I I'll that up tonight. Trust me. We'll fix that. We'll fix that.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

We're very excited to have you back. I see you brought your chest of fun stuff. Triple H's first time on the show.

[Brian Redband]

Triple H giving every wrestler in there are opportunities.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

He decides everything.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

Now everybody remembers the first time

[Brian Redband]

someone,

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

eventually you'll know

[Brian Redband]

someone assuredly is going

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

to have their first time here tonight because over 300 people signed up to be in this bucket. I pull a name, I hand it off. We wrangled them from a bar next door and they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which just rudely interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview. The entire thing is improvised. They have no idea that they're going to be performing in front of Carrot Top and Triple H.

[Brian Redband]

So there's probably

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

some people that took a little bit of mushrooms having a few drinks over

[Brian Redband]

there just like, yeah, it's probably going to be a mellow show tonight.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

And they're probably going to think that

[Brian Redband]

they're tripping their balls off when they come out and see Carrot Top and

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Triple H. In the meanwhile, we go wrangle that first bucket pool. We have the return of a really rock solid comedian who's going to do the first minute of the night. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for

[Brian Redband]

the long awaited return of Ike Gazeman, everybody. Austin makes some fucking noise.

[Ike Gazarian]

Muslim countries don't have strip clubs because women don't dance when you throw rocks at them. Kamala Harris does not use the N word because she isn't black, she's Indian. Indians don't use the N word unless their liquor store is being robbed. This last joke is gonna be a really fucked up one. So I'm from Russia. That's not the fucked up part. Does anyone know how to say book in Russian? Kniga. K, N, I G A kniga. I know it sounds a lot like the N word. And you see Russians In US are fucking sneaky. Anytime they want to use the N word in public, they say book in English, for example, that book had over a thousand bottles of baby oil in his house. Austin, you're fucking great.

[Carrot Top]

Thank you so much.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

How do you say your last name again?

[Brian Redband]

Gazarian.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Gazerian.

[Ike Gazarian]

Almost Gazarian.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Gazarian.

[Ike Gazarian]

It's Armenian.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Okay.

[Brian Redband]

All right.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

You're everything Russian, Armenian, unlikable. I love it. Welcome back to the show. Ike, that was very Russian of you because there were definitely some civilians being

[Brian Redband]

bombed at some parts of that set.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

But welcome back. You're a famous character in the universe because you have a hookah bar restaurant in San Diego that we once read the reviews of, and it turns out that we took what was a very struggling business at the time. You were about to go bankrupt and everything. And we read the reviews on the show, and from what I understand, business has 100% turned around and it's one of the busiest restaurants in San Diego now. Am I correct?

[Ike Gazarian]

That is. That is fucking true. Kill Tony. Fans are fucking awesome. I had 1100 reviews that took me 10 years to get. You guys left 2,500 in the first two days and Yelp fucking blocked me for three months. But it was great because I could talk shit to all those shitty customers and they. They couldn't leave a review. Man, it was fucking amazing.

[Brian Redband]

I loved it, Tony.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Incredible. So business is good. Business is boobing. The hookah bar part is good. What was the famous line? You can't smoke ash and your review is a lie.

[Brian Redband]

Yes, sir.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

So tell us more about it. Was it immediate? The change?

[Ike Gazarian]

Dude, right away?

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Yeah.

[Ike Gazarian]

People said right away, the moment the show came up, thousands of reviews just piling in, piling in. I couldn't even read them on time because Yelp kept fucking deleting them nonstop. And so did Google. But it wasn't about that. It was amazing. Kill Tony. Bump is real, you guys. The show really has changed my life. I almost went fucking broke and you

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

guys really did say, how about the comedy? How's the comedy been going since then? Is the comedy comedy or are you just selling baklava?

[Ike Gazarian]

The comedy's been doing great. I just came back from a tour today. I did a Russian tour. Sorry, guys, it's a Russian tour, but hopefully I'll start doing more English tours. Local comedy clubs love me. I've been performing, doing 2530 minute sets. I've yet to do an hour, but I will.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Okay.

[Ike Gazarian]

I have the material for it.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Turn into a super villain real quick.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

I have fucking Material.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

I might do an hour if you live long enough to hear it all. Carrot Top, what do you think about this?

[Carrot Top]

I'm trying to think if I have a Russian prop. I don't think I have a Russian. I don't have a Russian nothing prop, but I just pull. I have a way to have one. There's anything. There's the Cowboys new helmet right there. I mean, it's. I mean, it's. It's close to Russia, right?

[Ike Gazarian]

Cowboys? Sure.

[Carrot Top]

I probably shouldn't. We're in Texas.

[Sean Stewart]

I should probably put that.

[Brian Redband]

No, that's hilarious. We love trashing the Cowboys.

[Carrot Top]

It could have been any of the helmet, by the way, I was coming here, you know.

[Brian Redband]

No, trust me, it works for the Cowboys. You nailed it, Ike.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

What else is going on? Love life's good. Still with the wife?

[Ike Gazarian]

Still with the wife.

[Carrot Top]

Wife.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Still with the wife. How is she? Is she happy with your performance here and the new money coming in?

[Ike Gazarian]

She's ecstatic. She's cheering for me. She knows I'm here tonight. And I have the best fucking wife in the world, man. She. She lets me. Thank you guys. She lets me go on tours. She watches both of our kids while I'm gone. And I have a mother in law. She's a fucking bitch, but she helps.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Is the wife super Russian too?

[Ike Gazarian]

She's Asian Russian. She's one of them Asian Russians. She's from Siberia. So fucking up north, it's minus 60 Fahrenheit over there in the winter for like nine months of the year. So she's happy in San Diego.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

She's like a tough lady. She calls you a pussy a lot.

[Ike Gazarian]

I'll tell her I'll send her back

[Matt Rivera]

if she doesn't fucking act right.

[Ike Gazarian]

So

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

is she a tough lady, though? Can you give an example of like, where you realize, like, wow, I'm with a Siberian Russian. Asian.

[Ike Gazarian]

The strap on. I'm not kidding. I guess

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

there's no Russian with that.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah, that's why question wife.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

Takes your time.

[Carrot Top]

That's why I questioned wife earlier. I mean, I was on already.

[Ike Gazarian]

Hello, Carrot.

[Carrot Top]

Hello.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

How are you in Russia? Why you from behind?

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

Which is funny because Carrot top is her pet name for the strap one.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah. Thank you. It should be. It's John.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Oh, no, don't put in there.

[Carrot Top]

All right. No, it'd be carrot bottomed, probably.

[Ike Gazarian]

You look like one.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Oh, my.

[Cameron Mai]

I do?

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

No, no, no, I didn't see.

[Carrot Top]

No, you're good.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Stray missiles just going everywhere over here, Ike. You did it again. Way to start the show.

[Brian Redband]

Congratulations. Go to Pushkin in San Diego, one of the newest, biggest restaurants and hookah bars. Pushkin A kill. Tony Famous, San Diego Delight. All right, this is where the real fun happens, because this is where the whole thing can go off the rails. These. Some of these people are some of the most promising comedians in the world, hoping and waiting for their chance. Some are just nuts and crazy people. As you know, anything can happen. Your first bucket pool. The night goes by the name of Sean Stewart, everybody. Here we go. Whoo.

[Sean Stewart]

Howdy, y'.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

All.

[Sean Stewart]

Howdy, y'.

[Brian Redband]

All.

[Sean Stewart]

You guys drinking tonight? Yeah. Drink one for me. I've been sober nine months now. Yeah. Don't worry. I still do drugs. Right? Right. But I have found a loophole to drink into where I can still drink without drinking. You guys heard of boofing, right? I shoved a buzz ball up my ass last week. It didn't work. You gotta open it first. I really wish I would have found it out before I put a second one up there. I just thought I had a really high tolerance.

[Cameron Mai]

Right.

[Sean Stewart]

There are benefits to boofing, though. There are benefits to boofing. One, you get drunk faster. Two, you save money. And three, I get to come. All right. So many benefits to boofing. So many benefits. I don't know if you guys can tell. I'm not very good with women. There we go.

[Brian Redband]

All right. Sean Stewart. Good stuff.

[Ronaldo Mercado]

Thank you.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Is this your first time on the show?

[Sean Stewart]

This is my fifth.

[Uncle Laser]

Wow, look at that.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Such a memorable character.

[Sean Stewart]

I guess not. I guess not. I took three months off, actually. I tried to get. Get some. Get some new jokes and prepare a little bit.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

You took three months off?

[Cameron Mai]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

You just did open mics and stuff during that time?

[Sean Stewart]

No, I did it some. I went out to Vegas. Did a show or two out there. Been trying to get around, did the Vulcan. Finally. Almost two years into comedy now. So.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Okay, what do you do for work?

[Sean Stewart]

I'm about to leave my job, so I just want to say AT and T. Wow.

[Brian Redband]

That's one way to do it. Yeah.

[Sean Stewart]

I absolutely hate the company. I've been there for two years after they outsourced my job to Mexico.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

My goodness.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah, his phone just died. Like.

[Sean Stewart]

Nah, I have T mobile. It's still cheaper, even with the discount.

[Brian Redband]

Wow.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

What did they do to you? What did AT&T do to you?

[Sean Stewart]

Well, I worked in, like, tech support, and I trained Mexico to do my job, like, two years ago, and they took my job. They didn't even come to America. It was in Mexico City. I Trained them over zoom.

[Brian Redband]

Wow.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

They didn't even fly you to Mexico for that?

[Sean Stewart]

Nope.

[Uncle Laser]

Damn.

[Sean Stewart]

Now I'm doing customer support and I've been talking to like grandmothers for the past two years. And I'm very mean to your grandmother for no reason. It's the company's fault, though.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

What's your plan? Where are you going to go after this? No more AT and T. What are you going to do now?

[Sean Stewart]

I've been doing photography for about a year or so and I got a job.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

So you're gonna go broke?

[Sean Stewart]

No, no, no.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Take pictures of other people that make more money than you.

[Sean Stewart]

I wouldn't leave unless I had, like a good backup plan. That's why I've been like, stuck there for a year in therapy. I started going to therapy because of the job was stressing me out so much. Wow.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Yeah.

[Sean Stewart]

Your grandmothers really need to learn how to like, reset a Google password. It's a 5 year old can do it. I've made some of them cry and it's. I'm not proud of it. I feel like a bad person.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Well, I promise you, the. The other people that answer those calls on the other side of the world are much more frustrating than you, probably.

[Sean Stewart]

Yeah. Actually, people tell me like, ah, thank you for being so candid. Because I'm like, the company doesn't care about you. The company doesn't care about me. They're like, I've been with the company for 15 years. And I was like, I've been with the company for seven years and they got rid of my job. They don't work weird numbers on a graph, lady.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Do they know? Is AT&T on to you at all

[Brian Redband]

or is this all gonna be a big surprise?

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

This is shocking that he still has a job in a way, right?

[Sean Stewart]

It's been a year that I've been talking to customers like this. I accidentally. I probably. I cussed one of them out by accident. I forgot to mute my mic.

[Carrot Top]

Wow.

[Sean Stewart]

It was 30 minutes. All she needed to do was accept the terms and conditions and I go to mute my mic. I was like, I fucking hate you. I hate this fucking job. Please fucking kill me. And she's just like, are you okay? And I was like, oh, I wasn't muted. Sorry about that. And she. I got lucky, though. She didn't report me because she thought I was talking about the computer. And she's like, it's okay. I fucking hate the Internet too, and these computers. It's all right, Sonny.

[Carrot Top]

And I'm like, ah, thank God.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

That's amazing, Sean.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

What's the rest of your life like? What do you do for fun?

[Sean Stewart]

Oh, used to rock climb a bit. I like going out in nature and hiking and stuff. Yeah, and boofing. And boofing. I want to try boofing tamale.

[Brian Redband]

All right. Are you.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Have you really been sober for nine months?

[Sean Stewart]

Oh, from alcohol? Yeah, I had a.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

Like, not a shot. I question nine minutes.

[Sean Stewart]

I still smoke weed. California's sober. But saying sober just makes you feel better about yourself.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

It does, yeah.

[Sean Stewart]

Like I should have a chip too, I think.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Do you go to meetings? How do you stay sober? What's your trick?

[Sean Stewart]

I just stopped drinking. I just don't buy drinks anymore. I was in Vegas actually recently. Didn't take any free drinks. And I was gambling the whole time.

[Brian Redband]

Oh, man.

[Carrot Top]

I'm there. I didn't see. I have a. Can I do my.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Yeah, Carrot Top.

[Carrot Top]

Can I do my drinking? I just made this and I may never tried this. So why not do it on live television and live kill Tony, People get drunk, right?

[Brian Redband]

You're whatever.

[Carrot Top]

You get drunk and guys punch the wall. You probably punched too many walls. But guys are like, fuck. They break their hand, they hit the wall. They don't know there's that. So there should be a beer with a stud finder so you know exactly

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

where the

[Brian Redband]

fucking bitch.

[Carrot Top]

That might be the. That might be the winner.

[Sean Stewart]

It won't go off if you wave it over me on one end.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

That's from a boofing standpoint. The stud finder is for the wall.

[Carrot Top]

Honestly,

[Sean Stewart]

I prefer more like the blue moon size.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Have you ever actually boofed before you brought that up?

[Sean Stewart]

No, no, I haven't actually boofed. I sat on like something by accident and it hurt. And I don't really understand anal.

[Brian Redband]

The old.

[Mike Holder]

Whoops.

[Uncle Laser]

Boof.

[Sean Stewart]

No, just like something like mis. Oddly shaped. And I was like, ah. Why do people do anal? I was like, it like, hurts.

[Brian Redband]

Heck, yeah.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Let's go back to your love life for a second. When's the last time you had a girlfriend or were with a girl or anything like that?

[Sean Stewart]

I recently got out of something like a month ago or so. And she has an expensive keyboard from me. She was like a nerdy girl that was playing video games. I was like, I gotta keep extra keyboard. Like just ghosted me.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Like a computer keyboard.

[Sean Stewart]

Yeah. I don't. I want my keyboard back because we never even played video games together. She just took my keyboard.

[Brian Redband]

Wow.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

It sounds like it's time for a new episode of the Nerds people core

[Brian Redband]

over here on the.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

On the boofing side. You might want to hit the first guy that was out here. I think his wife's got some tips for you that'll help you out.

[Sean Stewart]

Yeah, she can fit a lot in there.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

You'd have to ask him. He seemed to enjoy it, though.

[Carrot Top]

So.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Ah, Sean, this girl that ended up with your fancy keyboard. Why did the relationship end? What was the last straw there? Can you give us a real example of how it. What went wrong in that thing really just fizzled out.

[Sean Stewart]

I. I kind of think I just committed too hard a little bit. But she also, like, posted the. Or, like, set it up as, like, I only want a relationship. I don't want to hook up. And I was like, yeah, that's why I'm not really hooking up right now. I'm not trying to get into anything. And so opened myself up and thought we were going for that, and it just didn't work out.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Wow.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah, okay.

[Sean Stewart]

She was young too. 22. I'm 28, so I was like, I wasn't trying to get into anything. She just came over and was, like, talking to me a whole bunch. I was like, yeah, I guess we can go out. This is very vulnerable for the show. What the fuck?

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

I mean, yeah, this is the show. This is the show you're on.

[Brian Redband]

He's being Shiloh a boof. Good job, Red band. Shila Boo. Have you gotten a big joke book?

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

And you're five times on the show. There you go. Then you're all good. There he goes. Sean Stewart, everybody.

[Brian Redband]

We're gonna keep it moving along. Sean Stewart knocking it out. On to the next one we go.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

We're gonna keep it moving.

[Brian Redband]

This is 60 seconds. Oh, the lovely Heidi is here, everybody. Oh, my goodness. Best drinks in the world. No matter what it may be, when she makes it, there's nothing better. All right, your next comedian goes by the name of Mike Holder, everyone. Mike Holder. Here we go. Make some noise for Mike, everybody.

[Mike Holder]

Thank you, guys, very much. Thank you very much. I'm not sure if you guys know who I am, but I'm on a lot of street signs. It's the signs that say pedestrian crossing, and I'm standing like this. Thought you might recognize me with my clothes on. Maybe not a couple phrases that piss me off. I hate it when someone starts telling me a story and halfway through, they say, anyway, long story short. And they continue to make the story longer. My God, man. Why do we call people who wake up at sunrise early birds as if they are late birds. I thought all birds wake upon you. What do you think there's a bird somewhere waking up at 10 o' clock saying, oh, shit, I missed my flight. Would never fucking happen. Since they lock your phones away, I assume you haven't heard the news. Earlier today, a group of chickens were protesting the use of hormones. It was a peaceful protest, but some are raising canes. In tragic news, a fatal shooting at a golf resort resulted in a hole in one and three handicaps. It was tragic regarding the Epstein scandal. Honestly, all this time I was never interested in seeing the list. I just wanted to know, why is that place still called the Virgin Islands? There's not a single virgin left that grandma shopping. Mike Calder.

[Brian Redband]

Mike Holder. Surprisingly not. The bucket pool that works.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Customer service for AT&T.

[Mike Holder]

Close. I've worked sales for AT&T.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Huh?

[Mike Holder]

I've worked sales for AT&TS.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Are you fucking serious?

[Mike Holder]

My last job.

[Uncle Laser]

Wow.

[Mike Holder]

Swear to God.

[Brian Redband]

Wow.

[Mike Holder]

Spot on.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Unbelievable.

[Brian Redband]

AT&T.HR has to put a lot of work to do when this episode comes out. This guy's gone. This guy's getting a promotion.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Mike Holder, how long have you been working for at&t?

[Mike Holder]

Less than a year.

[Carrot Top]

Okay.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

How do you like it? Did they treat you well?

[Mike Holder]

Yeah. Hang on.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Wow, look at this.

[Brian Redband]

Isn't that amazing?

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

This is like actual service. You find out someone's got at and T.1 person hates it, the other person loves it. It works for me.

[Mike Holder]

I'm in sales.

[Carrot Top]

Oh, okay.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

So you're the one selling the shitty

[Brian Redband]

devices that poor Sean has to defend

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

and fix for everybody.

[Mike Holder]

You got me.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Amazing.

[Uncle Laser]

How long.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

What do you. How long you been on standup, Mike?

[Mike Holder]

Three years. Three and a half years.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

All of it here in Austin, Texas?

[Mike Holder]

No, I started in Arizona. Two and a half years.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Is that where you're from?

[Mike Holder]

No, I'm from Sudan. I'm not American.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Sudan?

[Mike Holder]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Oh, my goodness. How long have you been in America?

[Mike Holder]

A little over five years.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Yeah. And you were born and raised in Sudan?

[Mike Holder]

Born and raised in Saudi Arabia. Between there and Sudan. Most of my life in Sudan, yeah.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Okay. Wow, look at that. All right, so tell us about your times in Sudan and Saudi Arabia.

[Mike Holder]

Oh, normal, I guess, from our standards.

[Brian Redband]

Okay, when you say normal, what do you mean exactly?

[Mike Holder]

I mean it's. It's a hard life there. It's a war torn country now, Sudan.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

But can you tell us more about that? There's a lot of Americans that have no idea where Sudan is on a map.

[Mike Holder]

North Africa. Fun fact about Sudan, we got more pyramids than Egypt.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

You have what?

[Mike Holder]

More pyramids than Egypt.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Okay.

[Mike Holder]

Odd fact, but I guess that's the only thing that's good about it.

[Carrot Top]

All right.

[Mike Holder]

It's a messed up country, unfortunately. It's North Africa, war torn because of political. And we're. We are cursed with resources.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Like what?

[Mike Holder]

Oil?

[Brian Redband]

Gold, red band. Oh, my God. How dare you do that? No, don't play the fly noise. That's not one of their many resources.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Were there a lot of flies where you were?

[Jim Talley]

No.

[Brian Redband]

No.

[Mike Holder]

Thank God.

[Brian Redband]

No. All right, Percy.

[Mike Holder]

Perfect.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

You have a girlfriend, Mike?

[Mike Holder]

Nope. Single?

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Single, yeah. What type of girl are you into? What are you looking for?

[Mike Holder]

I don't know. I just know it when I see it.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

To be honest, I noticed when I asked that you went like that with your hands, as if they're like something a little bit bigger.

[Mike Holder]

Supporter? No.

[Carrot Top]

No.

[Mike Holder]

Maybe a Trump supporter?

[Brian Redband]

No.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Okay. You just have no particular type.

[Carrot Top]

No.

[Mike Holder]

To be honest, I. I don't know.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

You don't know?

[Mike Holder]

Okay. European, maybe.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

European? Are you just saying. Are you?

[Mike Holder]

No, that's the same thing. First thing that came to mind.

[Brian Redband]

Have you never thought of this before?

[Mike Holder]

I don't think about it. I just don't want to see it. I don't know what to say.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Your last girlfriend, what did she look like?

[Mike Holder]

British.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

British.

[Carrot Top]

She looked British. She looked British.

[Mike Holder]

No, she was.

[Brian Redband]

Which means she probably.

[Mike Holder]

I checked the dental records. She's British.

[Brian Redband]

Right, got it.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

What else are you into, Mike? You seem like a guy that has some interesting hobbies. You have any special skills or talents

[Mike Holder]

other than play soccer? I guess that's special guy in America.

[Carrot Top]

Uhhuh.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Not really.

[Brian Redband]

That's more exciting every.

[Carrot Top]

He's on the sign.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

He's what?

[Carrot Top]

He's on the sign. His opening joke.

[Uncle Laser]

He's.

[Carrot Top]

He's the kind. Ah. He didn't listen. You know, I feel really bad for Triple Eight. You can't see my hair the whole time. He can't see a goddamn thing.

[Brian Redband]

It's very easy, your hair. I don't know if you know what you're. It's like. It's like a perfect window.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

It's like a light. Light mist,

[Mike Holder]

If I may say. I never would have expected to see Triple H and Carrots off.

[Brian Redband]

I had a feeling.

[Carrot Top]

We're always together. What do you think?

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

I love it. Mike, what's the most interesting thing about your life? You've lived in Sudan, Saudi Arabia. I mean, you gotta tell us something. You must have seen some crazy stuff or something, right?

[Mike Holder]

I've seen some crazy, unfortunate stuff. In Sudan. But honestly, I don't know. I'm just blessed to have traveled the world. I'm just blessed.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

You just completely skipped the question that

[Brian Redband]

I just asked on a live professional show. It was well executed.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

The question.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

Make some up, dude.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Mike, you must have seen something interesting that Americans could never fathom in Sudan or Saudi Arabia. Nothing at all.

[Ronaldo Mercado]

Come on.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Nothing? You don't have an answer to that question.

[Mike Holder]

Sad stories in Sudan about waiting for fuel for a whole day. I don't know what to tell you. It's sad stories. Waiting for.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Waiting for fuel, Waiting in line for

[Mike Holder]

fuel, waiting for bread.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

We've all waited in line. There was a long line at the

[Brian Redband]

Chevron the other day. That's a big deal. I've been through that.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

I waited like 10 minutes. Is that what it was like? There was a car. There was some lady parked the wrong way. And at the pump.

[Mike Holder]

So the pump was working. You actually had gas. Oh, you're blessed.

[Brian Redband]

All right, Mike. One of the most depressing bucket pools in the history of the show.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

But fun times.

[Brian Redband]

You did it. You got up.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Here's a little joke book.

[Brian Redband]

Congratulations, Mike Holder, everyone. We're flying through it tonight, everybody.

[Carrot Top]

Can I. Hey, Tony.

[Brian Redband]

Yes.

[Carrot Top]

Can I do. Only because Lessimo is the. On the show, people say, how did you have a prop for everything?

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

You have a Sudan, Saudi Arabia.

[Carrot Top]

I wish I did, but everyone talked about working for phone companies, so I've got a phone one. This is good. Oh, it got quiet.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

No, you like it.

[Carrot Top]

This is a cell phone case. So your girlfriend or wife can't get into it when you go to bed at night. Now, it was a Trump, Joe. Because he can't tweet. Right. Stop trading. But it's better. Just a generic. Guys can't. It's all cracked and broke. Thank you, American Airlines,

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

just as a warning to you down here, like, take my advice, do not look directly into the box. If she opens it up again. Just glanced in that thing. I regret it.

[Brian Redband]

So I've made that mistake before. It is very frightening over there.

[Carrot Top]

Right? And there's weird shit in here.

[Brian Redband]

There's a lot of. There's a lot of. Lot of. Lot of boofable objects in that treasure chest.

[Carrot Top]

No, there's some good ones. There's some good ones.

[Brian Redband]

We're going to be.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Keep it moving along here. Maybe we'll get more out of Carrot Top's treasure chest in a bit. Your next comedian doing an uninterrupted minute

[Brian Redband]

goes by the name of Matt Rivera, everybody.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Here we go.

[Brian Redband]

Matt Rivera.

[Matt Rivera]

My grandpa just had a kid. Yeah, it's actually pretty fucked up. I don't think that old people should have kids. After a certain point, I think it's inconsiderate to the rest of your family. You know, it really screws up your family tree. Like, why the fuck do I have a two year old uncle? It used to be you respect your uncle. Now it's don't drop your uncle. Also, he's not that different from a regular uncle, you know, very handsy, he refuses to put down the bottle

[Mike Holder]

and

[Matt Rivera]

he sucks on my fingers too long. Thank you.

[Brian Redband]

Matt Rivera. Rock solid minute. Welcome, welcome.

[Matt Rivera]

Thank you. Happy to be here.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Have you been on this show before?

[Matt Rivera]

Yeah, I've been on twice.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Okay, remind us what happened those last times you were on. What were the highlights or low lights?

[Matt Rivera]

So the first time I got pulled was the day before election day and I'm Puerto Rican.

[Brian Redband]

There was somehow there were like five Puerto Ricans pulled that episode and there was a lot anomaly showing how great God's sense of humor is mathematic made

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

no mathematical sense whatsoever. So you were one of those. I remember that.

[Matt Rivera]

I was, yeah.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

That was a big deal at the time. Turns out you guys loved to vote for the correct candidate. Did you vote?

[Matt Rivera]

We have a sense of humor. Yeah, I did.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Good job. Matt, what do you do for work?

[Brian Redband]

Working?

[Matt Rivera]

I. I still work at NADC Burger.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Oh, nice.

[Carrot Top]

Hell yeah.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

One of the best burgers in the city. No doubt about it.

[Matt Rivera]

Yeah, pretty solid.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

You're a chef.

[Matt Rivera]

I am, yeah. I make burgers and fries and whatnot.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Hell yeah. And they're very strategic about how they make a burger. No adjustments allowed.

[Matt Rivera]

No. Yep. They're just like, this is how it is. Either take it or off. That's kind of.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

That's it.

[Matt Rivera]

It's kind of our thing.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

That's amazing. So what else going on in life? What have you been doing for fun?

[Matt Rivera]

I have been just so rapidly producing shows. Honestly, I'm like way too invested in comedy. I produce shows every single day.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Wow. Like standup shows?

[Matt Rivera]

Standup comedy.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Doing it all around town, putting them on, people selling. Yeah, all right, that's fun. But to get away from it all, a non standup thing. What do you do?

[Matt Rivera]

I like to do random shit that I wouldn't normally do. Like go swimming.

[Brian Redband]

Wow, look at that.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

That is. That is, I guess, random. Where exactly are you swimming at?

[Matt Rivera]

Barton Springs, usually on the free side.

[Sean Stewart]

All right.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Yeah, that makes sense. Anything fun ever happen when you're out there swimming?

[Matt Rivera]

Well, the Thing about the free side, it's very slippery, and there's a lot of pointy rocks.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Keep going.

[Matt Rivera]

So you're essentially paying for the experience of not slipping and bleeding in the water. And I have diabetes, so it takes a little longer for me to heal.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

How'd you get diabetes? What was your snack of choice?

[Matt Rivera]

So I got diagnosed when I was 14 years old.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Keep with the fun music.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah, I like that.

[Matt Rivera]

Yeah. Yeah. Diagnosed at 14. I was eating those Hostess Donuts, and it's type one, though. It's not like the fat kind.

[Brian Redband]

Of.

[Matt Rivera]

I'm working on it.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Okay, so how did you find out you were eating the Hostess donuts? And, what, you passed out or something?

[Matt Rivera]

No, I just. I just kept peeing a lot. Then we went to Disney World the next week, and we tested my blood sugar, and it was super high.

[Brian Redband]

Wow. You tested it at Disney?

[Matt Rivera]

Yeah.

[Brian Redband]

Well, all. You went to the happiest place on earth to get your diabetes test. That's a goofy decision.

[Matt Rivera]

I didn't go there. It wasn't my intention. It just, like, happened.

[Brian Redband]

Hi, blood sugar.

[Carrot Top]

I'm going to lose a foot.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah, you're going to lose a foot. Oh. Oh, no.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

You're going to have this for the

[Brian Redband]

rest of your life.

[Matt Rivera]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

How did they break the news to you? Was it like that. Was it at Disney World? Was it like, at the end of a ride or something?

[Brian Redband]

Did they take a picture? Like, you're, like, at the top of the. When the. When the roller coaster goes down, you're

[Carrot Top]

like, no, I love the music.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Why Disney? I still don't get the Disney part.

[Matt Rivera]

Tony, you're acting like I chose that noise.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

This is perfect.

[Brian Redband]

Your parents have a great sense of humor. Let's take them to Disney. It'll soften the blow. We know he's got it.

[Matt Rivera]

They had suspicious.

[Brian Redband]

I just wonder how the.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

Does that even happen? When you go to Disney, how do you find out that you have diabetes? Like, what. What is. Is the situation that takes place where people ask you the next day, how was Disney? I got diabetes.

[Matt Rivera]

I mean, have you seen what they serve for food and drinks?

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

Yeah, but it doesn't come with, like, an alarm when you eat it. But you just got diabetes. Like, how did that come about?

[Matt Rivera]

Oh, well, my mom is also diabetic, so she kind of knew what to expect.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Ah, that's what happened.

[Matt Rivera]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

So do you guys. You guys have a.

[Brian Redband]

A new diet plan?

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

What changed? Let me ask you, though.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

They don't go to Disney anymore, that's for sure.

[Carrot Top]

I got A problem.

[Brian Redband]

Carrot tops got.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I looked in there.

[Brian Redband]

No, it's great.

[Carrot Top]

I gotta stand up for this one.

[Brian Redband]

Oh, here we go.

[Carrot Top]

By the way, these legs don't come like that. You gotta work them.

[Brian Redband]

Wow. You know it's bad when red band goes ew.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

You got that flying noise again.

[Carrot Top]

It's a. It's a. It's a towel. When you go to Disney, he can walk around the pool. Hey, it's going on. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Ah, I don't know why I did

[Brian Redband]

that one, but that was perfect.

[Carrot Top]

It seemed like the thing to do.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

You know that picture's going to be on the Internet of me sitting there looking at Carrot Top hanging out of his towel.

[Matt Rivera]

Are you wearing a skirt?

[Carrot Top]

No, it's shorts.

[Ronaldo Mercado]

They're.

[Carrot Top]

They're shorts. No, they're short. No, it's not a skirt. Although mine wearing all the.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

Right here. That's what you picked up?

[Carrot Top]

Yeah, yeah, that's. No, it's your shorts. They come in men's. I didn't get them. But the.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

So the diabetes thing.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Is that what that little thing is on your belly there? Is that what I'm seeing? Is that a little diabetes plug hole? Oh, yeah, it is. Look at that.

[Matt Rivera]

Yeah, it's a Dexcom.

[Carrot Top]

It's Bert Kreischer, everybody.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

It's incredible. Absolutely amazing. So what do you do with that? You just take that and pop the cap off and like pour cans of Coca Cola in there or something?

[Matt Rivera]

No. So it's a glucose monitor. The other day I actually, I went into a bar and I got frisk and somebody thought I was wearing a wire.

[Brian Redband]

Oh, yeah. What a terrible way to die. You don't have to put it there. Right. Like I've seen it on people's arms and stuff. You don't have to put it.

[Matt Rivera]

Yeah, but the thing about the arms is that I like, if I'm changing my shirt, it'll snag and rip off. And they're really expensive to replace, so I put it here where there's the least amount of activity.

[Carrot Top]

That's good. That's good. That's great.

[Brian Redband]

Amazing. Amazing.

[Carrot Top]

Matt.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Well, fun times. You got up again. Congratulations. You already have a big joke book.

[Matt Rivera]

I do.

[Brian Redband]

I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday, Matt. There you go. Matt Rivera just booked a real spot on a real show.

[Mike Holder]

Boom.

[Brian Redband]

Amazing. There goes Matt. All right, let's get another bucket.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Pull up here.

[Brian Redband]

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the one and only. This looks like a first time name. If I've Ever seen one? It's Spencer Eskridge. Spencer Eskridge.

[Spencer Eskridge]

Hi, I'm Spencer. Yes, sir. Spencer. If I was born a girl, though, my mom said she was going to name me Shay Lynn. Whatever. My mom's name is Shayna Lorene. Her aunt's name is Shayna Carroll. So my first cousin, Shy Ann, has two belligerently insane aunt Shayna's. So Shana Lorene, right there in the middle, just so anal retentive. Can't spell Chanda Lorraine without a N, a L, right there in the middle. But last time I took 250mg of sunshine LSD, it was Covid. I was dating a bad alcoholic and I put on a long skirt and let my fucking hair down and there she was. Shaylyn. I watched Gone with the Wind for four and a half hours and just fucking cried my eyes out. Being a woman is very gay. That poor, poor Shay Lynn, though, bless her fucking heart.

[Brian Redband]

Okay, you just stop right there, all right? Wow.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

How long you been doing stand up, Spencer?

[Spencer Eskridge]

Couple years on and off, mostly in North Houston.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Okay.

[Brian Redband]

All right.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

How long have you been the world's best fed pirate?

[Carrot Top]

I did the same thing when you walked.

[Spencer Eskridge]

I'm glad you called it pirate. Everybody's like, hey, you walk like Jesus. I say, I'm going for pirate, not profit.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Somebody told you you look like Jesus?

[Spencer Eskridge]

I. I had a dude madness.

[Brian Redband]

What did I tell you about talking to people before you feel them completely? Nobody in the world thinks you look like Jesus unless they're a true atheist. That'll cause you to not believe in religion. God came back and he's like, hey, it's me. I swear I'm Spencer Eskridge. People. People would be burning their Bibles in the streets. I can't believe I bought into that bullshit for so long.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Triple H just must be excited for

[Brian Redband]

you to see all the world's worst WWE Superstars mashed into one character. This looks like something that Mick Foley would have living in a dog house in his backyard. Rubber bands in your beard.

[Spencer Eskridge]

I had one. I had one earlier and it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It busted.

[Spencer Eskridge]

And then somebody next to me was like, hey, I have a whole other little bag of rubber bands. I said, wow, if that's not ordained by God himself. And then that one broke too. So here we are.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

We just think the rubber bands.

[Carrot Top]

I've got one.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Oh, yeah.

[Carrot Top]

Oh, nice.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Spencer, how long. Tell us about your life. What exactly do you do for a living looking like that?

[Spencer Eskridge]

I manage a brewery a little east of Bastrop. I got Nominated for best bartender in Bastrop County. I'm still waiting on the results.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Wow. When do you find out the results? I feel like you're gonna get your

[Brian Redband]

results when you go to Disney World.

[Spencer Eskridge]

Dude, they said. They said November, and I'm like, that's quite a ways away. It's online. Don't we have the capacity to tally that in the moment?

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Voting people?

[Spencer Eskridge]

Yeah, it was online. I had people from other places just use the zip code for our county. But, hey, they still voted for me.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

What do you think makes you the best bartender in Bastrop?

[Spencer Eskridge]

I won't shut up.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Oh, okay. That's the worst trauma.

[Spencer Eskridge]

Dumping jokes about beer names. It's.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

It's relentless about beer names.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

Basically, the people there hoping they vote for him, he gets a better job someplace else.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah, exactly.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

Maybe like at and T or something, right?

[Carrot Top]

Yeah.

[Brian Redband]

Yes.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

So when you're doing this bartending, what's the craziest thing that has ever happened inside of one of your bars?

[Spencer Eskridge]

I found out, like, one of my regulars was slapped by the mayor of my town. I bartend in. It's Smithville.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Okay.

[Spencer Eskridge]

Just east of Bastrop. They film, like, a lot of movies there. And, like, they won't put in a Walmart or anything. They keep it small in Texas, like, picturesque because Hope Floats was fucking filmed there. And they have a real acclamation to that movie, but it's senseless. There's been Brad Pitt movies filmed there.

[Brian Redband]

Can't quite figure you out.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

You don't sound like or talk like what you look like. You've had five therapists.

[Spencer Eskridge]

Yeah, two of them tried to me.

[Uncle Laser]

Wow.

[Brian Redband]

Tell us about that. They told you to lay down on a couch and you think they're trying to. You. No, dude, it was.

[Spencer Eskridge]

It was.

[Brian Redband]

It was therapist. They think they're doing. He thinks they're doing SNM when they try to put a straight jacket on him.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

Let me just say, if somebody says you, that doesn't mean they're trying to.

[Spencer Eskridge]

No.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Tell us about these therapists trying to you, because I don't believe it.

[Carrot Top]

I need the. I'll tell you, I need therapy.

[Spencer Eskridge]

I was just talking about. I got caught with, like 9 grams of mushrooms in 2014 in Houston. And they're like, hey, you want a second degree felony? I said, no. They're like, cool. Pee in the cup for two years. Did a deferred adjudication. It's not on my. But I had to have state sanctioned therapy. The first lady, Denise. I just cracked the egg a little and that was like, I'm retiring. And so I got. I got bounced between two young women. 23, 24. I'm gonna say their names. Amanda and Kareem.

[Brian Redband]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Carrot Top]

Oh, no.

[Spencer Eskridge]

They already lost their license.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

No, it's okay. Just tell us what they did. No one cares about their names.

[Spencer Eskridge]

I'm real thick headed. I don't know when people are flirting with me. But they made it very apparent because, well, when Denise was like, I'm retiring. They're like, oh, we'll double team you and pass you back and forth for individual sessions. And then I just be sitting on their couch and they're like, so how long have you been single?

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

They're asking you about your life.

[Matt Rivera]

No.

[Brian Redband]

Yes.

[Spencer Eskridge]

They got.

[Brian Redband]

Holy shit, this is incredible.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

You think your therapists are trying to you because they're asking you questions like they.

[Brian Redband]

Like a girl would if you're on a date.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah, right.

[Spencer Eskridge]

In a different way than you would.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Amazing.

[Spencer Eskridge]

As stupid as I am, I could tell something was weird. And I knew what was weird when they didn't show up to work one day. And then we found out they've Both been a 17 year old in the program. One of the ladies is engaged to a sheriff and they just stopped coming to the fucking counseling center. And then the kid who was considered a victim of the system was getting them cocaine and all this shit.

[Carrot Top]

We need names.

[Brian Redband]

No carrots off. No, don't name any names.

[Cameron Mai]

Right.

[Brian Redband]

We have to bleep it out. Don't do it. No, don't do it. Jesus, don't do it, Spencer.

[Spencer Eskridge]

So everybody at court, when you get released from the program, you get a second to turn around and say something to the grand audience about your experience. And everybody's like, what the fuck is he going to say? He's been advised not to say shit. And then he walks up in front of everybody and goes, well, it's been fun. Walked out of the courtroom a fucking legend. He told me he was way too cool with me. He's like, you know, they were trying to like, menage de trois, whatever the fuck that shit is. Me, you. I'm like, this is weird.

[Brian Redband]

Just go.

[Spencer Eskridge]

I don't need to know that.

[Carrot Top]

I'm already.

[William Montgomery]

Peace.

[Spencer Eskridge]

I'm already having a time with this shit as it is.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

So you never had sex with any of the therapists? The female therapist, you could have just left it at.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

You have never had sex?

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Do you have an active sex life?

[Spencer Eskridge]

I have two kids.

[Brian Redband]

Oh, my God.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

How old are your kids?

[Spencer Eskridge]

So my daughter just turned 2. My son just turned 1 on the 6th.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

How often are you around these children?

[Spencer Eskridge]

Sundays through Wednesdays, much as a law.

[Brian Redband]

Oh, yeah,

[Spencer Eskridge]

they're funny, dude. I don't know how I got lucky. The way I got lucky.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

That is incredible. How are they funny? What do they do that before?

[Spencer Eskridge]

Like, my daughter could talk. Like, she.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Let me guess.

[Brian Redband]

She tried to you. One time. She looked at me and she was all like, da, da. And I'm like, oh, no, you don't. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, here it is. Menage a trois. She crawled to me.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah.

[Brian Redband]

I want to go to bed. Hey, stop trying to me. You're my little girl. Don't do that, dude. Everyone's trying to me, dude. The police got behind me. They're like, pull over. I'm like, not with mine you don't. Stop trying to me. Officer, this one lady made me pee in a cup. What's she doing with that urine?

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

So you peed in a cup for a couple years and you ended up getting off of everything. You look like you peed in a mason jar for a couple years.

[Spencer Eskridge]

They're airtight.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

You. You. You collect things. What are your hobbies?

[Spencer Eskridge]

Witchcraft? I don't know.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

What's the craziest witchcraft thing you've ever tried?

[Spencer Eskridge]

I don't know. I gave a palm reading and a tarot reading at Shakespeare's just now for fun. What fun?

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Do you even know what you're doing?

[Spencer Eskridge]

Yeah. Does anyone?

[Brian Redband]

Okay, yes, they do. Clearly you don't believe in your therapist, but there are some pros out there. Fun time. Spencer, you're a very interesting character. Congratulations. Go raise those kids. There he goes. Spencer Eskridge. Wow. So many compelling characters come out of the bucket. Your next comedian is one of those people that we found out of the bucket a long time ago. We've watched him grow for years. A very, very compelling character. A fan or a fan favorite. Make some noise for the return of the one and only Uncle Laser.

[Uncle Laser]

As y' all know, I was in a western about a year ago, and it's gonna release a couple weeks, and it had to in it. And there's really not an acting class for rape. Like anybody ever anybody before exact. Well, But they paid me ten grand. So there I am on set getting ready to.

[Carrot Top]

And.

[Uncle Laser]

And I don't think you just go up to someone and go, hey, I'm a you. You know, I feel like you gotta rough em up a little bit, Soften the meat. And I was working with this little French actress Fuck the French, you know? And I'm asking her between, like, hey, am I hitting you too hard? Is there anything I could be doing better? She smoked a little cigarette. How long you been acting? I said, about six hours. She said, well, we're acting, so act it. When the director called action for the next take, I clotheslined that bitch into hell.

[Brian Redband]

I said, I'm not a.

[Uncle Laser]

My boyfriend is. My name's Uncle Leslie. Y' all been great.

[Brian Redband]

All right, Uncle Laser. Very, very interesting set.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Is that true?

[Uncle Laser]

What, the part? Yeah, unfortunately.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

So that was your scene in the movie?

[Uncle Laser]

Yeah. I mean, I get. I die before I get to finish it, but I was still hard the whole time.

[Brian Redband]

Uncle Laser.

[Uncle Laser]

I ran up them stairs. I got a heartburn.

[Ike Gazarian]

Sorry.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

How do you feel, buddy? You good?

[Uncle Laser]

Yeah. Yeah, I'm good.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

What? No one knows what you're talking about, so what can you want to explain to the people what you mean by you right up the stairs?

[Uncle Laser]

I didn't know that I was next, and so I had to. I was. Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

Anyways, we're good.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

That's great.

[Brian Redband]

You're handing. Handling it like a real pro. I'll tell you. Absolutely perfect. So what else is going on, Uncle Laser?

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

A very, very heavy set.

[Brian Redband]

We might actually have to wait.

[Carrot Top]

Can I do a proper.

[Brian Redband]

Quick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have a problem.

[Carrot Top]

Really?

[Aaron Silverstein]

Yeah.

[Brian Redband]

It turns out if you say the

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

word like, twice in two minutes, like, it just. They.

[Uncle Laser]

I knew I should have said grape.

[Brian Redband]

I knew it.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Yeah, it's a thing. You want to take it from the top? No, I'm kidding.

[Brian Redband]

I know I'm out of breath. Let's see what that Carrot Top's got.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Something.

[Carrot Top]

I have a prop. Know if it's related?

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Oh, okay.

[Uncle Laser]

There's.

[Cameron Mai]

It's a.

[Carrot Top]

It's a purse.

[Spencer Eskridge]

When.

[Carrot Top]

When women have. When women have a restraining order against a guy, you can tell exactly how far to stay away. You. You know, how many feet.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

How.

[Carrot Top]

How many feet is it? Yeah, exactly. I have a lot of free time. This is literally amazing. Just. She's not amazing.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

I can't believe how much you get

[Brian Redband]

paid to make these paradise. Like, they have, like, this staple.

[Carrot Top]

Who else has a purse with a tape measure in it? Nobody.

[Brian Redband]

As I've gotten closer to Carrot Top, I realize he's just super gluing two things. He's managed to make $50 million just going, let's put it together.

[Carrot Top]

Well, wait a minute.

[Brian Redband]

So you like coffee and people. People drink coffee and they like writing things.

[Spencer Eskridge]

Look at this.

[Brian Redband]

It's a Sharpie with a coffee mug. Take A sip. You can write about that. It's amazing.

[Carrot Top]

No, they got to make sense. That's. Look for the big.

[Brian Redband]

There's a lot of people that like

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

smoking cigarettes and also knowing what the temperature is.

[Brian Redband]

I took a thermometer and I put it on a pack of cigarettes.

[Carrot Top]

I'm going to put that in the. Put that in the truck.

[Brian Redband]

It's going to be clean in Vegas the next week. Oh, it's. I'm in the mood for a cigarette. Oh, it's 73 degree perfect.

[Carrot Top]

Absolutely.

[Brian Redband]

Be amazing. No, but you get.

[Carrot Top]

You got. Oh, man. There's more to it than that.

[Ronaldo Mercado]

Like.

[Carrot Top]

All right, here's one. No, just because you're being a. So. So. Jesus. So people like.

[Aaron Silverstein]

People.

[Carrot Top]

People like. Some people like toilet paper over the roll, some people like it under.

[William Montgomery]

Right?

[Carrot Top]

So see, this is. This is. And this is clever. This is. So if you want it under, it goes under and if you want it over, you flip it.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Wow.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

That's not a cigarette with a temperature.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah. That's amazing.

[Jim Talley]

I'm gonna leave.

[Carrot Top]

I'm gonna leave all this here when I'm done. By the way.

[Brian Redband]

It's just a loose toilet paper roll.

[Carrot Top]

I mean, it takes a little.

[Brian Redband]

You're right. You're right.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Some are different.

[Carrot Top]

Some are different.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

It's one of the few useful things in the box.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah, there's. That was. You're funny, by the way.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Yeah, I.

[Carrot Top]

Sorry to cut you off with all my stupid.

[Uncle Laser]

No, yeah, we'll go through.

[Brian Redband]

We'll.

[Uncle Laser]

You wipe back to front or front to back?

[Carrot Top]

I. I have people wipe me. I don't know what.

[Brian Redband]

That's right. And one day, if you connect enough objects together, you'll have somebody to wipe you around.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

So, Laser, when does this movie come.

[Uncle Laser]

Come out into October. It's. It's a series. Like a six part series.

[Brian Redband]

Okay.

[Uncle Laser]

I'm only in that one episode.

[Brian Redband]

All right, There you go.

[Aaron Silverstein]

Hit it again.

[Brian Redband]

We're gonna have to beep through.

[Uncle Laser]

Sorry.

[Sean Stewart]

We can be.

[Brian Redband]

You can be one of these.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

So just don't say it anymore.

[Uncle Laser]

I won't say.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Comes out in October. What's it called?

[Uncle Laser]

An Outlaw Named Bob.

[Brian Redband]

An Outlaw Named Bob.

[Carrot Top]

Wow.

[Brian Redband]

Sounds.

[Uncle Laser]

Yeah, it sounds made up. I know. I like stuff and they wanted me

[Carrot Top]

to, you know, better than fest, you know.

[Brian Redband]

Oh, there it is again.

[Carrot Top]

Everybody's coming.

[Brian Redband]

It's gonna sound like a Bud Light with a stud finder connected to it. Uncle Laser, what else is going on

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

in your real life?

[Brian Redband]

You're here, Carrot Top.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Triple H, I gave you a little

[Brian Redband]

Heads up, because you're an old pal.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

I warned you a few days ago you might want to be there on Monday. And I told you who's coming. And of course, like a real.

[Brian Redband]

Well, I plan you, boy.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Mark.

[Brian Redband]

Super fan.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

You wore your DX shirt.

[Brian Redband]

It off.

[Uncle Laser]

It's all about. Listen, I actually plan my outfits out in advance, so this is okay. I did wear it.

[Brian Redband]

I did wear it.

[Uncle Laser]

All right.

[Brian Redband]

Big fan.

[Uncle Laser]

Almost for my leather jacket too, dude.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Is there anything you want to say to the man himself, two time hall of Famer, ESPN and WWE fully connected, coming together, two iconic brands.

[Brian Redband]

Wrestle Palooza. September 20th.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

John Cena versus Brock Lesnar. Epic stuff all created by the Mastermind himself, Triple H. Is there anything you want to say to him?

[Uncle Laser]

Yes, actually, there is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Uncle Laser]

Seriously though, I'm trying to. You ever just miss it? You miss just hitting somebody over the head with a steel chair? Or maybe a sledgehammer's your choice of weapon. It's all about the game and how you play.

[Brian Redband]

Uncle Lazy.

[Carrot Top]

That was good.

[Brian Redband]

A true fan. We've been talking wrestling and comedy for a long time now.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Many a daytime.

[Uncle Laser]

Can I ask a real question, though?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redband]

Did you like being in the faction

[Uncle Laser]

DX more than the solo stuff, or did you have more fun with that?

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Like what.

[Ike Gazarian]

What was.

[Uncle Laser]

What was your favorite part of your historic career? The part where you remember that? That was when I had the most fun. Like creative freedom, all that stuff.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

DX is the crazy.

[Uncle Laser]

Yeah.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

The heel stuff for me was always where I wanted to be in my career. But if you're just saying, just having a crazy time. DX was just.

[Uncle Laser]

We all roll up in that goddamn tank.

[Brian Redband]

Come on, man, let's.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

It was. It was just us thinking about what dumb can we do this week. Yeah. Yeah.

[Uncle Laser]

And Vince just let y' all fly with it at that time?

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

At first, no. And then once it started working. Yeah, once it started working, we were. We had kind of do what you want to do thing. But at first it was. We were threatening to get fired every week.

[Brian Redband]

So.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

I'm sure you get it.

[Uncle Laser]

Oh, I get it.

[Brian Redband]

Y deals with the exact same thing. Trust me. It did not work at first for him either. But he's.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

It's been a common theme coming out here tonight. I feel like. Yeah.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Oh, yeah.

[Brian Redband]

Well, Uncle Laser, you did it.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

You got up again. Congratulations. Thank you, Tony.

[Brian Redband]

Thank you, guys. Laser coming back to the bucket we go. We're coming around the corner now. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next bucket pool. Ronaldo Mercado. Everyone? Here comes Ronaldo.

[Ronaldo Mercado]

What's up, guys?

[Cameron Mai]

I've lived here.

[Ronaldo Mercado]

I've lived in Austin for about a year now. I'd have been able to fit in yet. Live dear for you. Everybody here, they're hot. People look good. They care about diet, exercise.

[Carrot Top]

Ugh.

[Ronaldo Mercado]

That's why I like the rest of Texas. I fit in in the rest of Texas. Here in Austin, I wear an extra large. I'll admit that this is an extra large T shirt. I weigh 225. You can see my belly when I put my hands in the air. Fuck you guys. I don't care, okay? In Austin, this is fat. But in the rest of Texas, I look pretty good, okay? When I go down to San Antonio, I'm petite, okay?

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

All right.

[Ronaldo Mercado]

I was here in Austin. I had to ride a lime scooter last week. I'm not proud of it, but I did. I had to be somewhere fast, and I was on my lime scooter. And it's a bad look. You can admit that. The lime scooter's a bad look. This bing, bing, it's a bad look. But I had to ride one out of necessity. When I was on my lime scooter, another dude rode past me on his lime scooter. And when he rode past me, he looked me in the eyes and he gave me one of those like, it was a fucking Jeep thing. Like we were in a club together. Don't do that, okay? Look, if you give somebody a little wave on a motorcycle, Hell's Angels, you give them a wave on a lime scooter. Charlie's Angels, it's a lot different, I think. I think you can have a secret wave on the lime scooter. The guys on the lime scooter can have a wave, but it's got to be this right here.

[Brian Redband]

There you go. All the way to the finish line. Ronaldo Mercado with jokes all the way to the bear. Good job, Ronaldo.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

How long you been doing stand up now?

[Ronaldo Mercado]

I just hit seven years.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

You were just on very recently, right?

[Ronaldo Mercado]

Yeah, yeah, a couple months ago.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Okay.

[Cameron Mai]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

How's it going? Everything's good.

[Ronaldo Mercado]

Yeah, everything's great. Actually, I. I work at the Sunset Strip now as a door guy.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Nice. Congratulations.

[Brian Redband]

Red Bands Club.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

A must see all entertainment spot, right? Just a block away. How's it been working there? What's it like having Red Band as a boss? Does he fart a lot? Does he?

[Ronaldo Mercado]

He's pretty chill. He kind of comes and goes, you

[Aaron Silverstein]

know what I mean?

[Ronaldo Mercado]

He just kind of Comes by, you say, well, I go, hey, Brian.

[Cameron Mai]

He goes,

[Brian Redband]

that's him. That's right. Twelve and a half years of that. Every Monday with him. See you next week. Rent.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Ronaldo, what are you doing for fun?

[Ronaldo Mercado]

For fun here? I've been, I've been, I've been trying to go to more shows.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Like, like music shows?

[Ronaldo Mercado]

Yeah. Hardcore shows, stuff like that. I like to ride my bike. I'm a BMX rider.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Look at you.

[Matt Rivera]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

You're a big boy for a BMX rider, huh?

[Ronaldo Mercado]

I am, I am a bit of a fat. Okay, I will, I will admit that. I know I'm a. I have an

[Brian Redband]

app on my phone.

[Ronaldo Mercado]

It's called Rocket Money. Do you guys know about Rocket Money? It's an app that keeps track of your finances. It sent me notification and it said, hey, Ronaldo, you spent 17% more this week than you normally do. And then they sent me an emoji of a cheeseburger to let me know that I ate so much fast food, it impacted my financial portfolio.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Wow. Incredible. What type of fast food are you getting into? What's your favorite nowadays?

[Ronaldo Mercado]

P. Terry's Rules.

[Brian Redband]

Wow. Obviously, that big pop from the crowd for Peter Rules.

[Cameron Mai]

Yes.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

My goodness.

[Ronaldo Mercado]

Yeah, I, I, I'm from the Midwest. We didn't have In N Out. They have In N Out here now. It's pretty cool. Yeah, I like that. Anywhere else I can get your old

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

school, just normal old Burger King, McDonald's Midwest.

[Ronaldo Mercado]

For sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. I'd like to. Okay. I'd like, I will engage. I, I'll ride home. I'll drive, like, late at night, you know, and I'll stop at like, a McDonald's on the way home. And then I'll get a double cheeseburger. I'll get two double cheeseburgers. Uh, oh, and then I eat them before I get home. And then I don't tell my girlfriend about it. That's fat behavior.

[Brian Redband]

Okay.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Where do you keep, where on your body do you keep your glucose checkered?

[Ronaldo Mercado]

Not diabetic yet.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Amazing. Yeah, amazing.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

Don't go to Disney.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah, don't go to Disney. It's going to be a T shirt

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

by the end of this.

[Carrot Top]

Don't ever do that on your scooter again. That's a good move.

[Aaron Silverstein]

Thanks.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Ronaldo, what's your love life like? You have a girlfriend? Yeah.

[Ronaldo Mercado]

Yeah, I've been in a relationship. We've been together for nine years now.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Wow.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Nine years. What does she do?

[Ronaldo Mercado]

She actually, she works box office here at the club. She just started working here.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Wow. At the mothership. Incredible. Look at that. Looks like you're gonna be getting more p. Terry's, though.

[Ronaldo Mercado]

Yeah, we. We've been together nine years. We don't really wear condoms or anything like that, so I. Nine years. Thank you. Nine years. Never worn a condom. Never had a pregnancy scare.

[Aaron Silverstein]

I mean, I.

[Ronaldo Mercado]

Do I rule or what? I kind of kill it at pulling out.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

That's amazing.

[Ronaldo Mercado]

Yeah, I have fun with the pull up, you know?

[Brian Redband]

Yeah.

[Ronaldo Mercado]

I pull out, I come at her belly button. I call it the kiddie pool. I splash her out in there a little bit. I give my little. My little Pete Terry in there and I. Yeah.

[Brian Redband]

Splash her out in the.

[Ronaldo Mercado]

In the front line on.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

You're a funny guy, Ronaldo.

[Brian Redband]

You wanna Ronaldo? I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday. You get to perform at the club that you work at. Ronaldo Mercado booked on the secret show. We're flying through it now. Make some noise for your next bucket pull. It's Aaron Silverstein. Looks like a new name. We love new names around here. Aaron Silverstein is next. Heck yeah. Here he is. Come on. Make some noise for Aaron, everybody.

[Aaron Silverstein]

You've got your. Your outdoor bugs and you've got your indoor bugs. You've got bug. I've got bugs. In other words, I've got bugs. But it's the cheapest rent you can get. You know, in Austin, you're looking through the pages, you know, I'm trying to get the cheapest rent I can get. Bugs. Fucking Carrot Top deer. Oh, no, no, I'm into it. Who would have thought? Dreams can come true.

[Brian Redband]

All right. Aaron Silverstein. Unbelievable. Normally, Silversteins are much better at show business than whatever.

[Aaron Silverstein]

I know. It's like they say. They say that we're the chosen people.

[Mike Holder]

Huh.

[Brian Redband]

Well, is now dumber? There you go, Aaron. How you doing, buddy?

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

You okay?

[Aaron Silverstein]

Yeah, I'm doing great.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

How long you been doing stand up?

[Aaron Silverstein]

Not long.

[Brian Redband]

I hope not.

[Carrot Top]

Two hours.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

You just started. What? What made you want to start?

[Aaron Silverstein]

I recently. Just recently started.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Yeah. You decided that you wanted to. Let me guess. You decided you wanted to get out

[Brian Redband]

of the corporate world forever.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

You were sick of putting on a suit and tie every day.

[Carrot Top]

And now I wish.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Okay, tell us about your life. How did you end up like this?

[Aaron Silverstein]

Oh, God, it's just a long story. I've been around.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Okay.

[Brian Redband]

I mean, start it anywhere. Aaron. If the interview is as bad as

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

the set, this isn't going to last much longer.

[Sean Stewart]

Aaron.

[Aaron Silverstein]

Oh, God. A sweet mother of God. Colorado, actually.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Oh, that doesn't close at all for a while. Okay, perfect. What do you do for work?

[Aaron Silverstein]

I was a cannabis grower for a little while.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Really?

[Aaron Silverstein]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Did you smoke? Some of it?

[Aaron Silverstein]

I did. You did?

[Carrot Top]

I did, yeah.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

How much exactly do you smoke before you just keep saying the word bugs

[Brian Redband]

over and over again without any real setup or point or. Aaron. Okay, what's going on, buddy?

[Aaron Silverstein]

This is very surreal.

[Mike Holder]

What doing are you.

[Brian Redband]

You on right now?

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Did you drink before this?

[Aaron Silverstein]

They called it a Jeffrey.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

What?

[Aaron Silverstein]

They called it a Jeffrey.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

What's.

[Brian Redband]

Who's they, ma'?

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Am, who's they?

[Brian Redband]

Aaron, over here, over here.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Who's they? What are you talking about?

[Aaron Silverstein]

Just. Just new friends.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Okay.

[Carrot Top]

I've never felt safer, by the way, sitting next to.

[Spencer Eskridge]

Exactly.

[Brian Redband]

I know. I. You got closer.

[Carrot Top]

I'm like. I got Triple H. I got this. I'm serious. I'm. Dude, I feel safe.

[Brian Redband]

I don't think you exactly needed Triple H to beat the out of Aaron Silverstein. I'm pretty sure you could kick him through that brick wall over there.

[Aaron Silverstein]

Carrot Top, man.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Yeah.

[Brian Redband]

All right.

[Aaron Silverstein]

Unbelievable.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Okay, Aaron, most interesting thing about your life and your entire history. The craziest fun fact about Aaron Silverstein that we would find interesting on a big live show. Now would be the time to say it into the tip of that red microphone.

[Aaron Silverstein]

I was a methed out superhero for a little while.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Explain to us what you mean by that.

[Brian Redband]

This is an important part of the story.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Explain to us what you mean when you say you are a meth'd up superhero.

[Aaron Silverstein]

Well, I mean, it's a long story.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Well, why don't you make it. Make it a short story?

[Aaron Silverstein]

All right? Well, no, I mean, I just had a whole. I had a whole thing. I was like. I was. I was. The Circuit.

[Brian Redband]

That was your superhero name.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

The Circuit.

[Aaron Silverstein]

The Circuit, okay.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

And what was.

[Brian Redband]

What did the Circuit do?

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

A lot of drugs is what it did. A lot of drugs.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

You don't seem like a big meth head type.

[Aaron Silverstein]

I seem like a businessman, I guess, Apparently.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Well, it seems like somebody said yeah. Did you say yeah? Do you know what your face looks like?

[Brian Redband]

Do you only do drugs off of mirrors?

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Do you ever look at them?

[Brian Redband]

All right, Aaron, you're out of your goddamn mind.

[Aaron Silverstein]

Yeah, you're. Yeah.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Well, I love it. Here's a little joke book.

[Aaron Silverstein]

Hey, thanks, man.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Boom, there he goes.

[Brian Redband]

Aaron Silverstein, everybody. Wow. One of the oddest characters.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

I mean, you look like you would have been hilarious.

[Brian Redband]

By the way, Bugs, come on. There you go, Aaron Silverstein, go the way you came.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

He spent all his time on the professional mike grip.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

But none on the jokes.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah, not at all.

[Carrot Top]

I gotta. I gotta do one because it's too good.

[Brian Redband]

Oh, not.

[Carrot Top]

Not the last guy. That was just the other guy that said he came in his belly. Huh.

[Brian Redband]

Okay, Carrot Top.

[Carrot Top]

It's the Peewee Herman doll. Look at that.

[Brian Redband]

Oh, that's amazing.

[Carrot Top]

It's a. It's a

[Brian Redband]

mess with that. Don't you dare.

[Carrot Top]

I'm not gonna do that. I know better.

[Brian Redband]

Here I thought he was just attaching

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

two things and it's the one orange.

[Carrot Top]

It's orange. I did not plan that.

[Brian Redband]

I loved that.

[Carrot Top]

Sorry for everything. He's such a good sport.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

All right.

[Ike Gazarian]

Wow.

[Carrot Top]

How do you top that? The Pee Wee Herman cummin doll.

[Brian Redband]

I mean, we're gonna have to find out.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

I got another bucket full here, ladies and gentlemen.

[Brian Redband]

Makes a some noise for Cameron Mai, everybody. It's Cameron Mai.

[Carrot Top]

Yes.

[Cameron Mai]

Hello. I had a polyamorous mom when I was a child. And sometimes when I tell people that, they get very sad, which I don't understand, because to me, your childhood is just your childhood. You know, I didn't really know mine was that different from anyone else's until I reflected on the number of stepdads. And I love my stepdads. Cause they taught me that it really does take a village to make my mom come. You guys ever walk in on your parents wrestling and it's the Royal Rumble match? That's a bit. Sometimes when you, like, you tell people stuff like that about yourself, they get curious. They want to know if you think it affected your sexuality today. I don't think so. Because I'm in a long term monogamous relationship with my bidet. We're going pretty strong. But I definitely. I think it affected my sexuality like when I was growing up, you know, because trying to jerk off with more than two parents, it's like trying to assassinate the president today. Because, like, realistically speaking, there's no way they didn't see me on that roof.

[Carrot Top]

Boom.

[Brian Redband]

Cameron Mai talking about his poly mom. There it is. That's the look I said to Triple H during it after your Royal Rumble

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

joke, I go, the funny thing is, I don't even think he's seen you yet.

[Carrot Top]

Oh, it's great.

[Brian Redband]

The action is priceless.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

The guy that actually controls the Royal Rumble.

[Ike Gazarian]

Yeah.

[Mike Holder]

Yeah.

[Cameron Mai]

It was a great one.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

I'll call your mom. Entrant number one.

[Brian Redband]

Yes. It's amazing. It's amazing.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Everyone from your Childhood. We have triple H here and the monster that's been hiding under your bed.

[Cameron Mai]

Oh, man.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Cameron,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

how.

[Brian Redband]

How old are you, Cameron?

[Cameron Mai]

I'm a 22 year old open mic comedian.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Well, we know that.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah, we knew the last part.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

22 years old. You got a job?

[Cameron Mai]

Yeah, yeah, I work at. Well, you know, this is actually interesting. I work at, you know, Elon Musk's Knurling. I work for their biggest competitor. It's called Paradromics. I'm a manufacturer. I help manufacture brain computer interface.

[Carrot Top]

Wow.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Incredible. The story of a young supervillain.

[Brian Redband]

Stay away from the meth or else you'll end up saying bugs over and over again. Unbelievable. Do you have one?

[Cameron Mai]

Do I have what? Let me test.

[Spencer Eskridge]

Fuck.

[Cameron Mai]

No, it's not. First of all, it's not meant for me. The technology is like way behind on that. But also, I would never get one even if it was for that.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Okay, wow.

[Brian Redband]

I see you don't work on the marketing team. Incredible.

[Cameron Mai]

You know how, like, people that make Twitter don't let their kids use Twitter?

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

I don't know about that.

[Cameron Mai]

Okay, well, never mind then.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Cameron, you're 22 years old. Tell us what you do for fun. What are the 22 year olds doing for fun nowadays?

[Cameron Mai]

Oh, man.

[Carrot Top]

I know. Sorry again. Sorry again.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

They're having.

[Brian Redband]

They're having a good old time. They're in the splash zone. They got spit on by Triple H an hour ago. They've been having the time of their lives ever since.

[Carrot Top]

Covered in. Yeah.

[Cameron Mai]

Exercise, Video games. I'm pretty simple. It's mostly standup. I'm very. I'm trying to commit myself to stand up a lot.

[Brian Redband]

That, and you're.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

How long you been doing it already? You're 22.

[Cameron Mai]

About four years.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Four years.

[Brian Redband]

Wow, that's a great start. Not much can stop someone that started that young and works at it as hard as you.

[Cameron Mai]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

You must have some hobbies though, when you want to let loose a little bit. What do you. Do you have a girlfriend or something?

[Cameron Mai]

I do have a girlfriend. I have a girlfriend that I love very much.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Oh, wow.

[Brian Redband]

Now, now we don't believe you. That sounds suspicious when you say it like that.

[Cameron Mai]

Well, I do.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

She yells at you sometimes.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah, yeah, I can tell.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

That's why you have to be like,

[Brian Redband]

I love her very much. Hostage situation over here. I have a girlfriend. I love her.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

She's the best.

[Cameron Mai]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

What has she yelled at you about in the past? What have you done that made her upset?

[Cameron Mai]

Just being mean to her friends.

[Brian Redband]

Ah, she has Annoying friends.

[Cameron Mai]

She has annoying friends that have never had, like, a man or talk to them like they're not trying to them.

[Brian Redband]

Right.

[Cameron Mai]

She has hot friends and I'm just treating them like they're regular people. And they're like, why is he a dick?

[Brian Redband]

Oh, that's hilarious. I love this. This sounds like pure honesty. The crowd is responding. This is real. This is real. Yeah,

[Carrot Top]

that's great.

[Brian Redband]

Amazing.

[Carrot Top]

Got that. That's great. That's great.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

That's great.

[Carrot Top]

Oh, man.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Amazing. Amazing.

[Brian Redband]

Cameron.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

I love it. And the girlfriend, what does she do?

[Cameron Mai]

Oh, she's an editor for a lot of, like, podcasts and stuff like that.

[Carrot Top]

No, she's a sniper. She's gonna fucking take him out after this.

[Cameron Mai]

He's just a video editor.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Amazing. And you live here in Austin?

[Cameron Mai]

Yeah, of course.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Okay. And that's it. So working for this. This brain thing, what exactly do you do there?

[Cameron Mai]

I manufacture the parts. It's hard to describe because, like, I honest. I signed an NDA and I don't know what I can say.

[Brian Redband]

You probably can't say any of it then. Perfect. We're gonna save your job right now.

[Cameron Mai]

Thank you.

[Carrot Top]

Thank you.

[Brian Redband]

Seriously, thank you.

[William Montgomery]

But we're doing great.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Let's talk a little bit more about your mother.

[William Montgomery]

Okay.

[Cameron Mai]

I really.

[Brian Redband]

I had one growing up.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

She gets it. She can laugh about it. Does she have a good sense of humor?

[Cameron Mai]

Oh, she.

[Uncle Laser]

That.

[Cameron Mai]

I. The joke that I just told, that's her favorite joke.

[Brian Redband]

Perfect.

[Cameron Mai]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Okay. So, you know, was there a lot of noises coming from the. When you were a kid, that's going.

[Cameron Mai]

I've never heard my parents fuck ever, actually. I know I've only. So the. The most parents I've ever had in the, like, father figures. I had two stepdads at the same time. They lived together. They were just the way my mom described it to me. It wasn't like she was just trying to a bunch of people. It was more like she just was able to fall in love with two people at the same time. You know what I mean?

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

She had open heart.

[Cameron Mai]

Yeah. And flex.

[Brian Redband]

That's what it is. Yeah.

[Cameron Mai]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

I love that,

[Brian Redband]

You know, that's great.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

I.

[Cameron Mai]

For sure.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Great. You had two stepdads at the same time. Was there ever, like, a competition? Did you have a favorite?

[Brian Redband]

All right.

[Cameron Mai]

That's kind of rude to ask. No, I think I. I've managed to

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

NDA on that too.

[Cameron Mai]

I think I like my sister's dad more only because I lived with him longer.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Right.

[Cameron Mai]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Okay. What were the differences?

[Cameron Mai]

One was a White guy from America. One was a white guy from New Zealand.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Okay, the suspense is killing us.

[Brian Redband]

Why you keep saying white guys? When are we getting to the good shit?

[Carrot Top]

Let's go.

[Brian Redband]

One was an African prince from Nigeria.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

They were just all white guys the whole time.

[Cameron Mai]

All honkies.

[Mike Holder]

Damn.

[Brian Redband]

Oh, wow. Built that up. Yeah, you really did. You built it up like you were getting somewhere good.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Like one of them was just going to be a straight up. All right, well, there was only.

[Brian Redband]

Okay,

[Cameron Mai]

I wasn't even about to say that. And I got nervous.

[Uncle Laser]

Tony.

[Brian Redband]

Jesus Christ, Cameron. My.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Yeah, so you know. Is your mom still with multiple boyfriends?

[William Montgomery]

No.

[Cameron Mai]

She's pretty monogamous now. That's what happens to polyamorous people. They start very open and loving. They're like, oh, I want to everybody. And then they get on the other side and they're like, ah, everybody.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

Once you get old and your options dry up. Yeah, you got to go back to one at a time.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

You can't stay poly forever. That's a thing. Do you think that's affected your sexuality growing up?

[Cameron Mai]

No.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Your perception of love?

[Brian Redband]

No.

[Cameron Mai]

I still. I'm. I'm still a monogamous guy. I definitely have the man instinct in me. Like I can feel when I see a hot chick and I'm like, oh, if I was a piece of, I'd cheat on my girlfriend.

[Brian Redband]

Well, I was. You almost made it out of this without getting in real trouble with your girlfriend. That was the moment. You better tell her how much you love her again. Look at that camera right there. That's the great Meg on camera one.

[Cameron Mai]

Baby, I love you so much.

[Brian Redband]

There you go, Cameron, you have a big, big joke book. Yeah. All right. There you go.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

You got it.

[Brian Redband]

He's already got one. Cameron Mai. We're flying through it. All right. Oh, this definitely looks like a new name.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Make some noise for your next comedian.

[Brian Redband]

Doc Ferry. Doc Fairy. What a name. Oh, my goodness.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I feel like everybody looking at me right now knows exactly who I voted for. I like to ragdoll women in the bedroom. Not very fond of women right now. Me and my wife were arguing in the car. She said, I wish you were nicer. I said, bitch, I wish you were Asian.

[Brian Redband]

I don't think you're the one of

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

us is going to win this one. She said, I wish you would talk to me the way you want to be talked to.

[Sean Stewart]

I said, oh, you want me to talk to you?

[Brian Redband]

Recorders. How about a braja?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We ain't married anymore. Not very fond of women, but I Still have a fantasy. It's pretty easy. I want to date a black chicken from the year 1868. Now hear me out. Hear me out. It'll all make sense. I know what you all are thinking, that whole thing. But let me educate you. Slavery officially ended in the year 1865. The only reason I wanted one from 68 is I heard them bitches was off the chain. And that sounded like fun to me. Thank you. My name's Doc.

[Uncle Laser]

Wow.

[Brian Redband]

Doc Barry's first appearance on the show. I've never seen people move out of the way in their lives. Your ass coming out, trying to pull the triple H spit move before they were going.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Open mouths.

[Brian Redband]

They were happy when he was doing it. These people were dodging bullets. Over here, Doc.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand up?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just short of two years and this is my second time on the show.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Two years, second time on the show. Really? What happened your first time?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I did all right. Interview went a lot better. Talked about my slut third wife.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Okay, remind us, what happened with your slut third wife?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was working in Afghanistan and while I was gone, she was back here putting herself on Craigslist personals and she was having sex with a whole bunch of guys, usually five to seven at a time.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

And are you the last comedian's father?

[Cameron Mai]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You never know. You never know.

[Carrot Top]

Wow.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Okay, so that was about what, a year?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

About two years ago.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Just short two years you were on this show. So how's life been going for the last two years? You've been doing stand up non stop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have extreme anxiety, extreme adhd, so I get out when I can. I have problems getting to the club by myself.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

What do you mean by that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm a recluse.

[Brian Redband]

I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's very hard for me to get out and meet people. To stand in front of this many people, very comfortable back there dying.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

That's amazing. Very interesting. Yeah, very interesting. Tell us more about, like, what's the worst scenario that you've had where your ad or whatever you think that is, whatever you diagnose that as. Yeah, extreme what? Social anxiety.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's extreme social anxiety that goes with it. If you've ever seen, like the signs and symptoms. I got all that stupid. I don't like people telling me what to do, you know, just weird. But it kind of made sense. When I look back at my life, it's. Oh, this is what the. Is going on. You know, I'm not. I have an issue.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Okay. So what do you.

[Brian Redband]

Where do you think this all you might be?

[Carrot Top]

We don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know my. My bus only had six rows, but I thought that was because the route was short.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

So where do you think all this anxiety and stuff comes from? Did something happen to you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. Oh yes. I was in the army for 23 years. I deployed three times with that. After that I worked in Afghanistan for eight years. I was a personal security medic for the ambassador over there. So that was exciting. Bombs every like at least twice a week. But when I was going through the retirement physical, they said, you have ptsd. I said, I do. They said yep. But it's not from more. It's from your ex wives. I got three of them.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, three too many.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Wow. PTSD. The only thing worse than PTSD AT&T.

[Brian Redband]

The running theme today. Nobody likes it.

[Carrot Top]

The theme of the night.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Interesting stuff, Doc. How do you make a living? Your just on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I'm. I'm retired right now.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I also go to school. I'm going to H Vac school in the mornings.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I got a property with seven air conditioned units and I'm tired of paying 1500 bucks every time one breaks down. So I said I'm going to school. Learn how to do it myself.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Hell yeah. And you're learning.

[Brian Redband]

All right.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

How about for fun? What are you doing other than stand up for fun?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I play beach volleyball a little bit.

[Brian Redband]

Really? Yeah.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Wow. I would.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do I look that old?

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

You're full of surprises.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? I do?

[Brian Redband]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

You don't look like a beach volleyball guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I kind of, you know.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

You have something for this one?

[Carrot Top]

No, I'm thinking if I don't. I don't think I have enough. I don't know. Let me see. I don't think I do. No.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

You have anything for my props are

[Carrot Top]

talking to me like nothing, honey.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

How about for a war veteran? Anything for a war veteran.

[Carrot Top]

A war vet? No, My brother's retired military. God bless the military. I love my military.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

We do love the military.

[Carrot Top]

I'm trying to think if I have anything. I have a. You said now don't cut this the wrong way and make me look bet. Right. Because you will do this.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

No, we won't.

[Carrot Top]

We made a joke about. He said the retarded word. And I'm not going to say it's retarded. It's. It was a bank tube for rednecks that has a gun and a note inside the tube. It would say give me all your money or shoot yourself. Send it over to me.

[Matt Rivera]

You're like, oh, fuck.

[Brian Redband]

You literally stole that from a bank, by the way.

[Carrot Top]

No, I did.

[Brian Redband]

That's the only way to get.

[Carrot Top]

No, I did. No, I did. No, that. My first. I swear to God. Sorry I interrupted your beautiful. My first prop I ever did. And this is not a joke, is I stole a neighborhood crime lotion. Now, my first joke, and I was in my dorm and my friend said, you're gonna try to do comedy. I said, you're not funny. I said, I know, but I had this sign. I thought, what a great thing to open with, right? I said, sorry, I'm late. I was in the neighborhood and everybody would laugh. And I said, how good is their crime watch if they're not even watching their fucking signs? It takes 20 minutes to get. And then I started stealing shit. I started going through bank tubes. I started stealing things from the airplane. Look at this one. This is great. I stole this from the airplane.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Carrot Top]

You know, but what's great about this is when you. I forgot my own joke. When you sit next to the guy in the airplane, you reach over and you wake him up and say, dude, we're going down. I'm sorry. Thank you for putting up with my dick.

[Brian Redband]

That's amazing.

[Carrot Top]

This crowd is amazing.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Yeah, doc. So interesting.

[Carrot Top]

Sorry I fucked up about things.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Are the other comedians nice to you? You're kind of older. You're out there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No one talks to me. And so I'm not getting anything out of, like doing open mics. I'm getting no feedback. I'm used to sitting in front of crowds, so I don't need it for that. So I actually. On my property, I built a comedy club and I do all my standup and everything in there by myself. And I have to trust that what I do is funny.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Really?

[Carrot Top]

That's awesome.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

That is amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So I go through my head when I do jokes. I allow myself with the adhd, I go with it. And I daydream and I daydream about being on stage. I daydream about my favorite comedians doing the same jokes that I'm writing and how they would do it and how they look. And I can even see them do a joke and it's not funny. It's not funny.

[Carrot Top]

That's pretty awesome, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I do it about myself and it's not funny.

[Brian Redband]

Do you live stream it or anything so you can get some kind of feedback?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I am just. I just opened up a business with a partner and we are going to start doing live streaming things like that. So we're really Starting to take off this coming month.

[Carrot Top]

That's great. You should have the sound effect.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Sorry, which sound effect?

[Carrot Top]

With a crowd screaming. And you have your club built, right?

[Matt Rivera]

Oh, yeah.

[Carrot Top]

And it's all mannequins. And you have a sound effect of the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I actually have mannequins.

[Carrot Top]

I'm killing. I sold out to them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, I do.

[Carrot Top]

You're awesome. Wow, I love that.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

The last time you were on, you just got a little joke book.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I got a medium joke book.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Well, I'll tell you what, buddy. You're moving up to a big joke.

[Brian Redband]

Doc Ferry, everybody, with his second appearance on the show showing some improvement. Let's do one last bucket pull, huh? Let's knock it out.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

This looks like a.

[Brian Redband]

A fun name. Make some noise for Jim Talley, everybody. Jim Talley.

[Jim Talley]

How y' all doing tonight?

[Carrot Top]

Good?

[Brian Redband]

Fuck, yeah.

[Jim Talley]

Austin has a lot of crazy homeless people. This is a fact. I swear to God. This is what happened to me. I'm pumping gas the other day. This homeless white lady's walking around the parking lot yelling, he's a nigger. He's a nigger. Then she looks right at me, you're a nigger, not fucking spaz. I'm like, yo, who the fuck you think you talking to? Then she goes, oh, my bad. I just wanted a cigarette.

[Brian Redband]

What

[Jim Talley]

you got? Tourette's, bitch.

[Carrot Top]

The fuck?

[Jim Talley]

I bet she was like, what the fuck was that? She's like, oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by it. I love black people. I can't swim neither. Huh? Bitch, if you don't take this, Newport. I'm serious, man. Speaking of cigarettes, actually, I grew up in Africa, and I started smoking cigarettes over there. And y' all know those warning labels on the cigarette, right? Yeah, in Africa. That shit's fucking weird. Like, I bought a pack of cigarettes over there. That shit had a picture of Flavor Flav on it. I saw that shot. Flavor Flav? I didn't know that ugly meant cancer. Nigga, I'm serious. Like, imagine, like, they saw him go, yeah, boy. And the Africans was like, put the picture. It looks like rubbish. Put the picture. My name's Jim Talley.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

Thank you.

[Brian Redband]

Jim Talley.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Welcome back.

[Jim Talley]

Hey, man, how you doing?

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

The show a few times, right?

[Jim Talley]

Yeah, yeah. Just about two weeks ago.

[Aaron Silverstein]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Very lucky man.

[Jim Talley]

I see, man. Thank you for having me.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

How's life been going? How's it changed since the last time you were on?

[Jim Talley]

I just saw Triple H now.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah, I just. I did, too, and Carrot top and Reba McIntyre. Nice to meet you. Thank you.

[Brian Redband]

Hell, yeah.

[Jim Talley]

Jesus, man.

[Mike Holder]

Wow.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Triple H. Ahmed Johnson. Good reason.

[Brian Redband]

That's a crazy, crazy reference angle.

[Jim Talley]

I've been getting Jon Jones a lot, and I don't like it. I don't like it at all.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

That makes sense. I could see why that would be.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah. Jim Telly.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

So let's talk about it. What's going on, man? Tell us something you haven't heard. You were just on two weeks ago.

[Jim Talley]

Oh, I've been working a lot. I've been working on some more impressions. I've been actually working on a person of you.

[Brian Redband]

Oh, God. Oh, God. All right, let's hear it.

[Jim Talley]

Unbelievable. We're really doing it.

[Brian Redband]

Red band.

[Jim Talley]

We're really doing it. I ain't gonna lie. Tony kind of sounds like if banana could talk like a cartoon banana. I'm just saying. All right.

[Carrot Top]

That's a good impression.

[Brian Redband]

I thought, let's face it, if a

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

banana could talk, that'd be the last friend you ever needed in the world, wouldn't it?

[Brian Redband]

Shut all. You're gonna. Oh, you're gonna. Oh, you're gonna. Oh, really? Come on.

[Jim Talley]

Oh, good.

[Brian Redband]

He's clapping. He's laughing. All right, Jim, that was good.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

What are we missing here, though? What other impressions have you been working on?

[Jim Talley]

I could do a few impressions. I could do Shannon Sharp. I can do.

[Brian Redband]

Wait. What is Shannon Sharp doing in this impression?

[Jim Talley]

All right, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Club Shaysay. Today we're going to have him on our panelists. He is the host of Kill Tony. All right. He is the most hated man in Puerto Rico. Ladies. Ladies and gentlemen, Tony Heathcliff.

[Brian Redband]

That's actually a good impression. What else are you working on?

[Jim Talley]

I don't know. You could do like Mike Tyson, I think.

[Brian Redband]

Wow. White liberal lady out here. Virtue signaling. White lady can't help herself when a black.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Do it.

[Brian Redband]

Do it, black man.

[Carrot Top]

Right?

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Do what I say.

[Jim Talley]

Damn, man.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Do it.

[Jim Talley]

Say please next time. All right. I don't want to do this now, man.

[Ronaldo Mercado]

I know, right?

[Brian Redband]

They ruined everybody thing. Like you weren't going to do it. Every other thing. You said the name of the thing and then you did it. This lady wanted to feel like a boss.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Give her a Newport.

[Brian Redband]

Let's get out of here. Jim, you got a big joke book

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

last time you were.

[Brian Redband]

There you go. It's been a couple weeks. You got very lucky. A couple bucket pools were just done two weeks ago. We did it, man. There's only one place to go from here. Ladies and gentlemen, we have A Hall of Fame. While we're here with 2 time 2 entry hall of Fame member, Triple H, guest of the year nominee, Carrot Top. Let me remind you, this episode is brought to you by open phone. Prize picks and nicked and WWE and ESPN start September 20th. John Cena versus Brock Lesnar at Wrestle Palooza. I mean, this is huge. Huge. I've been watching wrestling my whole life. ESPN and WWE combining forces completely insane. It's unbelievable. And we have a Hall of Famer. This man has the record for most appearances all time, most interviews all time. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a new minute from a man some people call God's favorite comedian. The Memphis Strangler. The Vanilla Gorilla. The Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery.

[William Montgomery]

I look like the love child of Triple H and Carrot Top. After a passionate night of hot, steamy steroids, Let's give it up for Kill Tony's very own Cam Patterson. For joining the cast of Saturday Night Live. My question is, did Saturday Night Live not see any of Cam's minutes on Kill Tony? Like, is he gonna get fired the first episode or the second episode when he screams the N word for no reason? I love Cambus screaming. The N word is one of the least offensive things he said on Kill Tony. Like, imagine his reaction when he learns a little bit more about Bo and Yang. This N word is gay and Asian.

[Brian Redband]

Oh, hell,

[William Montgomery]

And I'm not gonna lie, I'd love to be invited to join Saturday Night Live if Stephen Hawking invented a time machine. To the 90s. Meanwhile, Red Band's dumb ass is still waiting to get a callback from the Gong Show. Okay, that's my time.

[Carrot Top]

Thank you.

[Uncle Laser]

What?

[Brian Redband]

Wow. The powerhouse. The undeniable closer of closers.

[Carrot Top]

That's great.

[Brian Redband]

The Big Red Machine. Lights out. William Montgomery has done it again.

[William Montgomery]

So nice to be here. And Carrot Top, oh my gosh. I think it was 2003. I was in the Memphis airport with my mama and my papa and my brother and I get a tap on my shoulder. This is probably 2003. I get a tap on my shoulder and Carrot Top, it is you. And I turn around and you say, what's up, brother? And you shake my hand and it was the sweetest thing ever and I appreciate it. And Carrot Top, that taught me every time. Now I see a redheaded person, I say hello. I try to be nice. And Carrot Top, in 2006, I was working at the grocery store by my parents house. And there was this beautiful red headed woman that used to come into the store. And one day I was like, oh my gosh, I love your hair. I. I love your hair. And she looks at me all weird and she's like, yeah. I've thought about dating a Reddit. A person before, but I'm worried everybody would think it was my brother and feel sorry for me.

[Carrot Top]

Oh no.

[William Montgomery]

So it's just sad. So that's the end of that story. It just made me like broke my heart.

[Carrot Top]

Let me give you a hug. Let me give.

[William Montgomery]

But thank you Carrots.

[Carrot Top]

I really thank you.

[Matt Rivera]

Thank you.

[Brian Redband]

My wallet.

[William Montgomery]

It meant a lot though.

[Brian Redband]

Hey, when.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

When he said what's up brother? Did your mom get really weird for me Minute.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Yes.

[Carrot Top]

That's. You know, that sucks about getting older cuz I literally have people come to my show and they say you my mom. Right? And then it'll be soon you my grandma. It's.

[Ronaldo Mercado]

You get.

[Mike Holder]

You know.

[Carrot Top]

Or your grandpa blew me behind the dumpster. You know something Some like that.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

That is incredible. I didn't know redheads had a thing where.

[Carrot Top]

Well, we have a. I heard about

[Brian Redband]

this with black guys.

[William Montgomery]

We have shorts.

[Carrot Top]

We wear shorts. We have.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

I didn't realize there was a red.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

It's like their scooter wave.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

That is so interesting.

[Carrot Top]

That's great. I know. I wish I had a redheaded joke in here.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Do you have any. You have anything? No, I don't think it all taped to a parking meter or something.

[Carrot Top]

It's more. There's more thought pressure this than that. But I like that I'm going to have it. Next time I come back I'm going to have a Chucky doll tape too. What tape? What you say.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

God, Peter, you know, you ever.

[Carrot Top]

Well, hold on a second.

[Spencer Eskridge]

Hold on.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

What do you have in there?

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

No, I don't know.

[Carrot Top]

I'm trying to find something good.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Should we do the turbo round, Carrot Top? Anything we didn't get to.

[Carrot Top]

Well, this is kind of. Hold on. Socket's caught.

[Spencer Eskridge]

So.

[Carrot Top]

So this is. Shut up. Shut up. So don't look at the secrets, Triple H. Okay, so. So when you. When people breastfeed their baby, right? People get upset when they breastfeed their baby in public. So I made this so that way it just looks like you're holding, right? It's like hey, yeah. It's all. It's it right.

[William Montgomery]

You and I need to go on Shark Tank together.

[Carrot Top]

Yes, we do. I'm telling you some of this. I'm telling you this is. Here's one I could. I could sell in Shark Tank besides the toilet paper one, right? That's right. This is real. Like when you. This is the. One of the very first jokes I came up with. If you don't have time to vacuum your carpet right, it's really about the lines on the carpet. Looks like you vacuumed. So I used to do this when I was 12. You'd take a carpet roller and roll it on the carpet, and it leaves the vacuum marks.

[Cameron Mai]

Wow.

[Carrot Top]

And my mom's like, oh, you vacuumed? Like, no, I just took a carpet paint roller.

[Brian Redband]

Wow.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

I could tell.

[Carrot Top]

Shark Tank, I'm telling you. And me, I could tell.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

That's one of your first ones that you came up with because you hadn't realized yet that if you did, you didn't even tape it to anything else.

[Brian Redband]

It's just one thing back then.

[Carrot Top]

Well, this is the. This is the. This is early, and this is. This is the progression. See, this is. It started with this, and then it came into really clever.

[Brian Redband]

You could have just vacuumed also. We were taking the same amount of time.

[William Montgomery]

I start thinking to myself, oh, this is pretty nice standing up here right now. And then I just hear this monster at the edge of the table.

[Brian Redband]

Red Band. Red Band and William Montgomery's rivalry is one that will be written about in

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

the history books forever.

[William Montgomery]

And Redband, by the way, I get it. You shaved her beard, but you still look fat, dumbass.

[Brian Redband]

I'm kidding. Red Band and William will settle the score at Wrestle Palooza September 20th, only on ESPN.

[Uncle Laser]

Oh, yeah.

[Brian Redband]

Cena versus Lesnar Montgomery versus Red Band.

[William Montgomery]

And Red Band's mom's coming out with me.

[Brian Redband]

And William has a tattoo of a dick on his chest.

[Carrot Top]

Wait, what?

[Brian Redband]

Wait. Yeah, what? Carrot Top?

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

We got anything else?

[Carrot Top]

No, I do, but.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

No, there's gotta be something. I see.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah, this is good. This is. Come on. If you set me up, it's not gonna be good.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah, it is.

[Carrot Top]

I like to walk up to women. I say, do you recognize me? And they say, no. And I said, how about now? Or you could go that.

[Aaron Silverstein]

You could go.

[Carrot Top]

You could go, how about now? You know, I know that. Dick.

[Brian Redband]

Carrot Top.

[Carrot Top]

Sorry, everybody.

[William Montgomery]

The second part. Aren't you. You wouldn't put your penis through there,

[Carrot Top]

would you Not What?

[William Montgomery]

No, you wouldn't put your thing through there, would you?

[Carrot Top]

No, not again. Not again.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

What else, Carrot Top? We got.

[Carrot Top]

No, I think we've blown out the whole thing.

[Aaron Silverstein]

I.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

These people love it.

[Carrot Top]

All right. Okay. All right, now this one.

[Sean Stewart]

Pretty clever.

[Brian Redband]

All right.

[Carrot Top]

It's a little sensitive.

[Brian Redband]

We love this.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Oh, my goodness. Okay, no, hold on.

[Carrot Top]

A second.

[Brian Redband]

No, look, sometimes we see it before you guys. It's a little.

[Carrot Top]

Now this is. This is one of my favorite ones. I. This is my favorite. One of my favorite ones. I'm proud of this one. So gun control, right? It's already sensitive. Gun control. I know how to fix gun control. You can't shoot a gun unless you have Rubik's Cube. Has to be lined up just right. So you have to be smart to shoot somebody. Like, I'm gonna. I'm gonna kill you. But you can't shoot. By the time you figure it out, they're. They're gone.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

You are.

[Carrot Top]

I think I'll end on that one.

[Brian Redband]

I absolutely love it.

[Carrot Top]

Did we. Did we announce that you and I are fighting at Meta Square? Yeah, Wouldn't that be awesome?

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

William, you ever use any props at all in your stand up?

[William Montgomery]

Why did some idiot laugh like that about that? I don't know. Is my notebook a prop? I don't know, Tony. My notebook's maybe a prod.

[Carrot Top]

That's kind of my problem.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

All right, well, we're putting. We're right here towards the end here, Carrot Top. Are you sure there's nothing else in there?

[Carrot Top]

Oh, God, they want more.

[Brian Redband]

All right, this is the final comedian.

[Carrot Top]

All right, hold on, hold on.

[Brian Redband]

All right, which one you want?

[Carrot Top]

Just one quick one. Okay.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

No, maybe a couple.

[Carrot Top]

All right, hold on. Oh, wait. This is good. This is a coffee cup for lesbians. See, they can

[Brian Redband]

see. How did you almost not do that? That's the best one.

[Carrot Top]

How did I not almost do that?

[Brian Redband]

Amazing.

[Carrot Top]

How do you not do that one? Jesus.

[Brian Redband]

That is unbelievable. That's amazing.

[Matt Rivera]

That's.

[Carrot Top]

That's the. That's the.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

That's the amount of care that he gives to his props.

[Sean Stewart]

Yeah.

[Audience Member / Minor Speaker]

Top shelf. This thing is held together with tape.

[Carrot Top]

It is. Yeah. And that's. That's the promo right there. She caught Kelponi on German.

[Brian Redband]

Is that Ellen Glass? Yeah, it says Ellen on the front. That is a true lesbian mug.

[Carrot Top]

That's a real. Well, the horrible thing is it said Ellen on it because that was how old it was. I would say it's else Ellen's coffee cup. Yeah, I know. And then I got. And she said, why the.

[Brian Redband]

Would you.

[Carrot Top]

I said, I'm kidding. I can change it to. I can change it to Rosie. You can change it to anything. Yeah, I can put your name on it.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

It works for any lesbian. That's amazing.

[Carrot Top]

Any lesbian. It's kind of a generic. And then I forgot it said Ellen on it.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

No, it's Great.

[Carrot Top]

Look at that, right? Hey, next on NBC.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Is there anything else? Character?

[Carrot Top]

No, that's. We got to end on the good one.

[Brian Redband]

They want more, these people. I'm telling you, Car, you're up for guest of the year. And Rob Schneider laid it down.

[Carrot Top]

Rob Schneider?

[Brian Redband]

Yes. You and Rob Schneider, neck to neck. I'd be reaching deep in that thing if.

[Mike Holder]

So this is.

[Carrot Top]

This is Travis Kelce's playbook, right? Yeah. That's not a joke. It's actually. That's his playbook, right? Yeah, this is. This is. God damn it. This is their prenup.

[Brian Redband]

That thing is thick, right? Like that is.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

That is thick.

[Ronaldo Mercado]

Like.

[Carrot Top]

My God.

[Brian Redband]

That's amazingly topical.

[Carrot Top]

That's very topical, right?

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

That's amazing.

[Brian Redband]

We're just making Elliot mug from 25 years ago, right?

[Carrot Top]

Hold on. So you go from old to. To current. This one I made in your dressing room. Him backstage.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

That's amazing.

[Carrot Top]

You think I'm kidding? You think I'm kidding? No. It doesn't work.

[Mike Holder]

Okay.

[Carrot Top]

It worked.

[Brian Redband]

That's amazing.

[Carrot Top]

All the kids in my sweatshop work

[Brian Redband]

hourlessly behind Carrot Tops. Elves hard at work there.

[Carrot Top]

That's it.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

What do you guys think? One more.

[Brian Redband]

There must be one more. The problem. Need one more carrot.

[Carrot Top]

My God. The problem is I did the A earlier.

[Brian Redband]

I don't know. That Ellen mug was a hit.

[Carrot Top]

Look. It's even called Carrot Classics. That's great. All right, this is. Which one? You. All right, hold on. We're gonna end on the. We're gonna end on this one. This is pretty clever. Oh, Shark Tank. I made. I made boots that have the soles reverse. You can't trace their steps.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa.

[Brian Redband]

That's actually genius.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah, I know.

[Brian Redband]

Carrot Top.

[Carrot Top]

It looks like I'm helping criminals.

[Brian Redband]

But that's amazing.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Where do people see you in Vegas?

[Carrot Top]

Carrot Top at the Luxor. Every night. Every night. Luxor Casino.

[Brian Redband]

Every night at the Luxor.

[Carrot Top]

I'm going tomorrow night.

[Brian Redband]

Go see him and tell him afterwards. Kill Tony sent you. He's part of the Kill Tony universe. One more time for Carrot Top, everybody. Brought to you by open phone, prize picks and Nick, Guys. It's a dream come true for me. I'll tell you. How loud can this place get for Triple H? The great Paul lebet running the WWE better than it's ever been. They're now teamed up with espn. Two of the most iconic brands in sports entertainment together at once again. Russell Palooza is September 20th. Cena versus Lesnar. Everything's going on. All their biggest events are now on ESPN's new streaming service.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

What an honor to have you, sir.

[Brian Redband]

Amazing. One more time for Carrots. One more time for William Montgomery. We did it again. The drawing from Ryan Je Belt is in. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, a Cam Patterson. And that's about it, guys. We did it again. Red Band. Check out my fake band, Cat Bread 7 on YouTube, Spotify and everything. Tickets are available now. Now for the New Year's Eve Moody center kill Tony, our 3 3rd year doing an arena in our hometown on New Year's Eve. Tickets are still available for that. That will sell out. It's moving extremely fast. So instead of coming up to me and saying, I always try to get tickets, but we never can, now's your one chance to do it. New Year's Eve here in Austin, Texas. Do it. God bless you guys. Thank you so much. Good night. Make some noise for Triple H and Carrot Top. Sam.

[Cameron Mai]

The Sunset Strip comedy club in Austin,

[Brian Redband]

Texas is now open.

[Kill Tony Host (Tony or Co-host)]

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

[Cameron Mai]

Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

[Brian Redband]

Sa.