KILL TONY #13

Summary

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Kill Tony #13 – Summary

Date: September 25, 2013
Hosts: Tony Hinchcliffe & Brian Redban
Special Guest: Doug Benson
Venue: The Comedy Store, Los Angeles
Notable Drop-in Guests: Pauly Shore, Sandy Danto

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Episode Overview

This episode of Kill Tony features comedians performing 1-minute sets in front of hosts Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban, with guest judge Doug Benson. The format spotlights raw, unfiltered feedback, workshopping, and riffing. Comedians both regular and new participate in hopes of refining their craft. The vibe mixes unpredictability, constructive criticism, and comic camaraderie. Pauly Shore and Sandy Danto drop in late for additional feedback and comedy insights.

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Show Opening & Banter (02:07–13:31)

• Weekend Recaps:
  • Tony discusses his first movie audition, running into "Skinny Pete" from Breaking Bad (03:03–04:02).
  • Reflects on the pressures and ironies of Hollywood—auditioning against actors from his favorite show.
• Iron Patriot (Comedy Patriot):
  • Discusses his recent podcast interview and philosophical views on death and imagination (05:20–07:48).
  • Patriot explains his rationale for joining Kill Tony: as a launchpad to eventually speak with Joe Rogan (08:15).
  • On his commitment: "Even if I had five more podcasts, I'm gonna be here till the end of time." (10:32)
  • Recap of his custom Iron Man suit from Norway, which necessitates standing during performances and bus rides (12:17–12:37).

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Guest Introduction: Doug Benson (13:31)

• Tony welcomes Doug Benson, citing his credits: Doug Loves Movies, Super High Me.
• Iron Patriot proposes a new movie: "Superhero Me," where Doug would spend 30 days with the Patriot (14:43).
  • Doug: "You know, I'm too high to say no to that idea, so I think we should talk about it at another time." (14:57)

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Comedy, Foot Fetishes & Tarantino (16:32–19:04)

• Doug and Patriot riff about superhero movies, Patriot's suit logistics, and Tarantino's foot fetish in film.
• Benson: "Tarantino, who I've noticed, has a foot fetish that I don't appreciate because he does it to every...introduces most characters with their shoe." (17:29)
• Panel debates overused tropes in Tarantino films: "I don't need to see the POV shot from the trunk anymore either. We get it." (17:47)

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Show Format & Rules Explained (20:00–21:08)

• Sketched out for new listeners: Each comedian gets 60 seconds—a cat meows at the cutoff, a "West Hollywood bear" sound if they go over.
• Doug on running the light: "That's not how you establish yourself in this business, by running the light." (20:47)
• Tony: "Eddie Murphy started here, so let's get it started." (21:32)

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Notable Comedian Performances & Panel Feedback

1. Brian Moreno (22:07–25:23)

• Joke Themes: Girlfriend, sleeping, relationship issues
• Panel Feedback:
  • Doug: "My overall note to you is just, like, it just seemed like women, women, women. Like, are you in a happy relationship in real life?" (23:41)
  • Tony: "You lost all the women in the crowd immediately with just kind of like, women, they should just fucking go to sleep, which I agree with. But that's not the point..." (23:41)
  • Panel encourages general audience approach, not just fans.

2. Luke Schwartz (25:48–31:50)

• Joke Themes: Fears about the apocalypse, water scarcity
• Panel Feedback:
  • Doug: "You were super premise-heavy...you had ideas, but not incredibly strong punchlines." (27:20)
  • Tony: Observes the tendency to comment mid-set when things don't go well, suggests pushing through without the disclaimer.
  • Brian Redban: Suggests the premise could be clearer.

3. Josh Martin (32:07–36:32)

• Joke: Cereal full of marshmallows/marshmallow addiction as a sign of immaturity.
• Panel Feedback:
  • Doug and Tony: Strong set, concise and original.
  • Tony: "That's definitely the best bit I've ever seen you write or perform." (36:44)
  • Doug: "Maybe you could tie the two pieces together by saying, I wish they made dick pills and marshmallow flavor." (36:05)

4. Gem (38:10–42:29)

• Joke: Eviction, prison, plugs cannabis sales with phone number.
• Panel Feedback:
  • Doug: "You never intended to do stand-up comedy, you just faked it until you got to the phone number to call for cannabis?" (39:06)
  • Brian: Annoyed: "Make me do work... I have to edit out a fucking phone number." (39:15)
  • Iron Patriot: Provides Gem’s criminal background.
  • Tony: Chides use of show as a commercial.
  • Memorable: "They can't all be gems." — Doug relates to the performer's name and set. (42:39)

5. Courtney Molay (43:08–46:43)

• Joke Themes: LA flakes, suicide, incest in small towns, boyfriend drama.
• Feedback:
  • Doug: "I don't think that last joke worked. But the earlier ones...totally worked." (44:30)
  • Tony: Suggests exploring other ways people flake instead of suicide references.
  • Note: Panel discusses effect of heavy subject matter out of the gate.

6. Norman (47:34–50:13)

• Joke: Encouraging words from an amusement park worker, “shoot for the stars—sometimes the gun gets jammed.”
• Panel Feedback:
  • Doug: Finds the "gun gets jammed" line strong, encourages building around it. (49:11)
  • Tony: Suggests more physical character work and acknowledges the speech pattern as a comedic twist.

7. Matt Devlin (52:10–54:35)

• Joke: Jerking off to tragedy—reference to forest fires and Billy Ray Cyrus.
• Feedback:
  • Tony: "It's not really that topical though...you can always replace a tragedy with that type of...the way that you say those things..." (53:20)
  • Doug: "You could jerk off to any horrible event." (54:03)
  • They encourage plugging in new, current events for the premise.

8. Trey Stewart (54:51–57:41)

• Joke: Bad haircuts, racial context, use of the N-word.
• Feedback:
  • Doug: "Appropriate use of the N word...Wasn't offensive in any way. It's just how somebody spoke." (55:54)
  • Tony: Suggests visual component (removing the hat to emphasize haircut joke).

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Pauly Shore’s Drop-in & Advice Segment (68:12–68:57)

• Pauly Shore offers direct advice:
  • "The thing that's the most important about comedy is not the jokes at all. It's about you guys connecting...let the audience touch you, feel you, be connected to them." (68:22)
  • Stresses connecting over material, referencing David Letterman's on-stage approach.

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Final Regulars Segment – Resident Comics (85:01–96:41)

1. Sarah Mostajabi (85:53–92:51)

• Joke Themes: Seeking answers, Google as God, emotional "hard-ons" (female version of boner), PayPal as sexual reference.
• Panel Feedback:
  • Doug: Tries to clarify and help Sarah develop the "emotional boner" premise.
  • Tony: Encourages specificity and tighter Twitter-style jokes for live delivery.
  • Iron Patriot: Suggests Sarah lean into material about the ease of female sexuality ("easier for a girl like her to have sex anytime she wants"), panel disagrees with focusing on appearance.

2. Kimberly Congdon (92:52–96:41)

• Jokes: Dressing down as a female comic, lesbian stereotypes, friend with promiscuity, sexual puns ("cliterally the skankiest girl I know"), "toot my own horn".
• Panel Feedback:
  • Doug: "The 'toot my own horn' would be funnier if a guy said it...just puts everybody in their head about, oh, there's a girl on stage telling jokes." (94:02, 95:56)
  • Suggests making jokes less about being a female comic, encourages universality and clarity.
  • Tony: Points out that some successful comics dress down, and suggests that addressing gender on stage is challenging and must be very funny to work.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Doug on one-minute sets:
  “This is a specific format that you’ll never have to recreate in your entire career ... It's a chance to workshop.” (45:17)
• Tony on career planning:
  “Eddie Murphy started here, so let's get it started.” (21:32)
• Pauly Shore on stage presence:
  “Try to connect and get out of your head about the material. It's not about the material.” (68:28)
• Doug Benson on joke repetition:
  "Well, it is called Kill Tony ... That's another tip I'm going to give you as another pot smoker. Remember your material." (36:05)
• Iron Patriot’s ambition:
  “I’m gonna be here till the end of time. Till this shit ends, I’m gonna be here.” (10:32)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Show Open/Host Banter: 02:07–13:31
• Doug Benson Joins: 13:31–20:14
• First Comedian (Brian Moreno): 22:07
• Notable feedback on comic structure: 31:05, 36:05, 45:17, 68:22
• Pauly Shore’s advice: 68:12
• Women in Comedy/Regulars: 85:01–96:41

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Tone & Style

• Conversational, irreverent, unguarded.
• Encouraging but often blunt critique: “Just make it funnier in general.” (30:59)
• Frequent riffing and callbacks. Constant “inside baseball” shop talk.
• Hosts and Doug Benson maintain a supportive, if sardonic, vibe.
• Comic and audience feedback blurs, with suggestions for punch-ups and style notes throughout.

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Closing Thoughts

This episode is quintessential Kill Tony: real-time joke deconstruction, comedic shop talk, unpredictable audience/comic mix, and some genuine inside wisdom from comedic pros. The format’s intensity, brevity, and pressure lead to big laughs, harsh but constructive criticism, and the occasional absurd tangent—especially courtesy of recurring characters like the Iron Patriot and special guests.

Overall message:
Keep writing, keep tweaking, find your voice, and remember — connection with the audience matters just as much as your material.

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Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Deathsquad tv. Please check us out on itunes and Stitcher and subscribe to us. Don't forget to rate and review our show also. And if you want to help Death Squad out, there's only one thing that pays for everything we do here, and that's the kitty cat T shirt at Shopsquad tv. This limited edition T shirt, everything we do here needs to be paid for, and this is the only way that we make money.

[B]

So.

[A]

So please help us out. Go to Shopsquad tv, buy a T shirt, and if you want to see one of our live shows, Deathsquad TV has a list of them all, including September 26th. Me and Tony Hinchcliffe will be at Stand Up Live in Phoenix, Arizona, followed by the following day, which is a Friday. We'll be in Columbus, Ohio, at the Woodlands Backyard. This is a Death Squad super show. We are going to be joined by Tom Segura and Christina Pajicki with me and Tony. And then in October, we have the LA Pod Fest that is October 4th through October 6th in Santa Monica, California. It's pretty much a hotel where everyone just goes and stays. And there's live podcasts from people like Mark Maron, Doug Benson, and Death Squad is going to be there. We're going to have a live podcast and a live pointless podcast. So come check us out. Go to lapodfest.com or the easiest thing is just go to Death Squad TV for all the links. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[B]

Hey, this is Rayburn coming to you live from the Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony. Dance clip.

[C]

Fuck, yeah. Everybody, here we are again. Welcome, everyone. There's a live crowd out there, everybody. How you guys doing tonight? All right. How exciting. Another fun. Another fun weekend down the drain.

[D]

Yep.

[C]

What is this, 14?

[D]

Something like that? 13 or 14.

[C]

13 or 14 Mondays in a row.

[D]

Yeah. Well, yeah, I've been doing it, though, for like 50.

[C]

Wow.

[D]

Sucks. I'm done with Mondays. Mondays are the worst because I have a podcast. I do for three hours right when I wake up. So, like last night, we had a great time at the Burn, the Roast of James Franco.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

And we all got pretty wasted. I had to wake up, grab Starbucks, run right to a three hour podcast. Come here.

[C]

I had a movie audition today. I had my first real, like, legitimate movie audition today for the first time ever. And I got this audition the day after the biggest roast that I've written for. I write for the rose. But that's how life works. That's Hollywood and life and what a great party. To first movie audition ever. Yeah, it wasn't great. It didn't go great.

[D]

Yeah, what happened?

[C]

Didn't go bad, but it didn't go great. Well, what it said in the thing was that I had something, something I had a part, but then there was like another part that I didn't know that it didn't say that it was a whole thing. Crazy part is, is in the waiting room. I'm sitting there actually, as soon as I walk in, there's only one other guy in the room sitting there for the part and it's Jesse Pinkman's friend. Not Badger, but the other one, Skinny Pete. You guys know who I'm talking about. The guy that's always hanging out with Badger and Breaking Bad. If you watch the show at all.

[D]

Nope.

[C]

Great show. Anyway, so I had an interesting talk with him and he was telling me that he actually just moved to Los Angeles and he was based in Texas, that he was a day player, like doing extra work, booking little tiny things out of Texas. This one shows taping there, he books that it was just for a non speaking role. And then next thing you know, he's on fucking Breaking Bad. He just moved to la, this guy, he goes, now I'm in la, we're talking about. And I'm laughing like, oh my God, you're going to be able to do anything. And his response, or my response at the end was basically like, I'm fucking moving to Texas. You don't know what you're getting yourself into, man. Anyway, it was interesting. It's a break. And then I, you know, that's extra pressure too. That's like the only show I watch on tv. All of a sudden I'm auditioning against the only thing that I really respect. So that was fucked up. Hello. It's a live podcast, everybody. The Iron Patriot is here. Everyone, the head of security, everybody's favorite.

[E]

I got something I want to ask you, Tony.

[C]

Sure.

[E]

Today I read an article that James Franco's 92 year old grandmother came to the roast and Jeff Ross said a joke saying that she's going to die in 127 hours in reference to his movie of the same name. Now, were you responsible for that joke, Tony?

[C]

That's an interesting question, Patriot. No, I was not.

[E]

That's good because I wouldn't want you to do that to grandma.

[C]

Such a nice guy underneath that tough Sturdy suit.

[E]

It was a big week for me, Tony. My first interview this week.

[C]

Oh, yes. What was that like?

[E]

I was interviewed in Canada, in Ontario, a small town in Canada. And the podcast was called what the Fuck Are They Talking About? And I got a chance to discuss some of my philosophies in depth. And I got to talk about Kill Tony a lot, too. It was great. I told the whole story of how I came to Death Squad and how I've been a fan for a long time.

[D]

I listened to the whole thing, and I passed it on to everybody to listen to it because it really freaked me the fuck out.

[E]

Thank you.

[C]

What did you find out about the Patriot that you didn't know when you listened?

[D]

He's a deep, deep guy, man. He, you know, he believes that. Well, I guess it's hard for me to explain what you said, but maybe you could help me out here. You believe that you don't. You don't believe in killing babies, but you believe if you were to kill a baby, that the baby's imagination would be strong enough that the baby wouldn't even know that you tried to kill it, because your. Your own imagination inside of yourself, like you're your own universe inside of yourself. So you make your story out of your imagination every day and that you won't really affect anybody else because they also do the same.

[E]

Well, I don't think you'll be. I don't think you'll be in any space that you're not supposed to be in. So the way I look at it, when somebody dies, they're just disappearing from our view. That's not the one story that's going on. Like when Whitney Houston went through all that shit and we're looking at her like, oh, she shouldn't have got on the drug. She shouldn't have done that. It was our negative image of her that we saw. That story happened. We could have easily seen a story where Whitney never did anything, never got with Bobby Brown and had a great life. But it's like we got to realize there's something negative in us that we even see that story in it. I know it's crazy. It's crazy to comprehend this shit, but, I mean, it's so hard to explain. I mean, even in that interview after I got done, I started thinking there was going to be some things that got misunderstood because, you know, because it sounds kind of crazy, but.

[D]

No, it's just deep. You're a deeper. I mean, you're dressed up as Iron man, so you don't really take you as like this very deep intellectual.

[E]

Yeah, yeah, it's really been. I really don't even care about this costume. It was just all for just. I really want to talk with Joe Rogan about philosophy. But.

[B]

And that.

[D]

That brings me to this. This direct message that you sent.

[C]

Is that what you're using us for? Is that what this is? You're using Kill Tony as a launching pad to.

[E]

I'm just saying though, already three years ago, I wanted to talk with Joe, but I knew he would never talk with me unless I wrote a book and sold a million copies or whatever. But this was my plan, that if I get this costume, maybe people will listen to me.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[D]

Yeah, it says people are tweeting that I should be on the Joe Rogan podcast. If you guys are into it, I would love to come on with the costume. Yeah, I just see that not being

[C]

a thing when message you that.

[D]

Yeah, I mean, no, I mean, it's. Joe would never do that. Are you fucking crazy?

[C]

We don't know who you are, man. You're some guy in a suit. I mean, anybody with a criminal history, like, could put on a suit. And then.

[E]

I don't know, I'm just. I'm confused about my career now because of course, of course, of course I love Kill Tony. Of course I'm gonna come doing this, but people have been just suggesting that I need my own podcast. And I don't know what to do. I don't know what. I don't know if. I mean, maybe Red Band come down to Hollywood once a week and film me doing my stuff. I mean, the first episode could be you showing me getting my equipment on, how I do it. You. What do you guys think? That'd be a good podcast. You're really excited right there. I don't know. Maybe I should just stick with Kill Tony and just.

[C]

What the fuck ever made you wonder whether you should stick. Stick with Kill Tony or not?

[E]

I'm just saying people have been saying they want to hear me talk more on a podcast. Maybe I just.

[D]

So if a 14 year old that's at his mom's house is riding you on his Android device while taking a shit that you should do a podcast, you immediately think that's a good idea?

[E]

No, I mean, I've got a lot of. I'm answering fan mail all day. I'm spending a lot of time. I mean, I'm getting a lot of action on Twitter. I mean, people love me. I could be a cult leader.

[C]

I think you're Jumping for only. I noticed. I actually did look at your Twitter, and I wouldn't say that you have a cult following just because you have 1,000 Twitter followers.

[E]

That's only in. I don't think that's only like three months.

[C]

Well, yeah, from working with me.

[E]

I know. I give you guys credit. I love you guys. Believe me, I know.

[C]

I'm just saying, this guy's already talking about jumping ship. We're in episode 13.

[E]

I said, for sure I'm doing this no matter what. Even if I had five more podcasts, I'm gonna be here till the end of time. Till this shit ends, I'm gonna be here. Don't worry about that. I'm just saying.

[C]

Well, there you go.

[E]

I was just thinking, maybe if I had another. I mean, I can't believe you're even worried, Tony. You know you're my favorite. I don't think.

[C]

I don't think I am. You just said you got the suit to talk to Joe Rogan eventually.

[E]

Let me make an issue with you. Let me make an issue with you. When you were on the Joe Rogan Experience, you didn't talk anything about Kill Tony. You didn't even mention me. I thought there'd be like 10.

[C]

Of course we got. Why would I do that when I could talk about philosophy? That's your fucking dream. That's what I was doing. We were talking about planets and shit.

[E]

Yeah, it was great. I mean, it was good. I'm just saying. I showed you how to do it in that interview this week. What?

[C]

What the fuck is going on? Is this serious? Is this surreal or is this a. No, this is what I'm trying to

[E]

tell you, what I'm saying. There were a lot of people watching that Joe Rogan experience that don't know about Kill Tony. And I know Joe doesn't like the plug shit, but it seems like there's a lot of people that if you would have shown a video or something or showed to get them interested, we could have got a lot of new. And we're doing fine. I'm just saying, you know.

[C]

Yeah, we're doing fine. And we'll get on it again because it was an interesting.

[E]

I loved you on there. I don't want to rock the boat or anything. I'm happy.

[C]

Well, you have rocked the boat tonight. No, no, we're going into this show with an interesting outlook on. If you don't know. The Iron Patriot told us at one point that he bought the suit to come here and be part of Kill Tony and He takes the bus here every day and night because in his suit, this $5,000 custom made suit from what country?

[E]

Norway.

[C]

From Norway. He can't sit down. So the reason that he takes the bus is because he has to stand up to get here.

[E]

Yes. The middle section is made of ABS plastic, so it'll break if I sit down. But it's nice because it's nice and light and I can move around in it. You know, I can get the hips going like this.

[C]

Well, I'm glad that you're here, Patriot. And he's our head of security. Even though he's completely immobile in that thing, I mean, he really can't move at all.

[E]

I could crack your skull with his fiberglass, though. Tony, you'd be suing me with your lawyer. Don't hate me. Cause I'm beautiful.

[C]

Oh, my God. There's an in. Whoa. Oh, Jesus. All right, let's get this show started. Tonight's guest. I'm so excited about this one. One of my favorite comedians. Somebody who I'm very happy to have made friends with, working with a lot with the Death Squad in the past year or so. And you know him from dougloves movies. His movie Super High Me. It's the one and only Doug Benson. Everybody is here.

[E]

Please don't.

[C]

You really have.

[B]

I've got. I've got so many things. Questions.

[E]

I do, too.

[B]

Oh, you have a question for me?

[E]

Yes, I do.

[C]

Let's start it off.

[B]

Here we go.

[E]

I did some research on you, Doug.

[B]

Oh, good Lord. How can you read in that costume?

[E]

The first thing I did was I went on itunes and listened to your. To your podcast, Doug loves movies. And then I went back and listened to an Adam Carolla podcast with you. That was so old. You guys mentioned MySpace. And the thing that I want to ask you is one time Adam said. One time Adam said that he thinks all the Cheech and Chong movies suck. Now, the way I look at it is the first one up in smoke in 78. That was a. Yeah.

[B]

Walk us through all of them.

[E]

The other ones weren't that good.

[B]

You know, everyone in this audience is waiting to get up and tell a joke. They are just putting up with your.

[E]

I'll never get the chance just because

[B]

you're a genuine superhero. You'll get a chance to talk to me again. Are you kidding me? We're gonna do the Rogan show together.

[E]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Hey, hey, Doug.

[B]

Doug, can you see what I'm doing with my head? You can. You could see through that thing.

[E]

Doug, I have an idea for a movie for me and you.

[B]

Oh.

[E]

Because first you had super high me. This one should be called Superhero Me. And you spend 30 days with me. We go to nightclubs, we go to the mall, we go eat. We do everything. We smoke down.

[B]

You know, I'm too high to say no to that idea, so I think we should talk about it at another time.

[E]

We should.

[B]

There's about 10 minutes each day. There's a 10 minute window where I'm not high. And then I'll give you the no during that period of time because that does sound pretty, pretty sweet. I actually have a movie coming out hopefully in the next year or so called Chronicon. And that's where I went to Comic Con in San Diego and tried to get superheroes to smoke with me. And many of them are straight edge. They're not like, you ready, willing to smoke down, as you say.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And so it's a fun little documentary that will be out soon.

[E]

Great, great.

[B]

Someday. Sorry, you know, it's too late for you to be a part of it.

[E]

Yeah, but we can do other things together.

[B]

You would have been perfect. All right, well, your plans scare me. And I don't know what to. How to respond to it. Why not just bring all the parts to the costume in your car and drive here and then get into it here? Then you don't have to take the bus.

[E]

Well, I mean, I could do that, but it's just. It's really easy, especially now because the traffic isn't bad at all now that the summer's over. But I just get on the bus and once I get off, I'm ready to go. You don't have to go through all the.

[B]

Okay, you're telling me you don't have a car now?

[E]

I have a car. I have a Nissan Versa. Brand. A brand new one, 2012.

[B]

Or just get a car with a sunroof and just lay yourself in there horizontally. Just sticking your head up out of the sunroof and working the gas and the steering wheel. I think you. I think you could do that. Be an amazing visual.

[C]

That would be great.

[B]

But anyway, you're awesome.

[E]

Thank you. I knew you liked superhero movies. I knew you would appreciate me.

[B]

Doug, would you.

[D]

Would you be interested in seeing Doug's feet?

[E]

If he wants to show me again.

[B]

Again?

[D]

Oh, again.

[C]

Wait a second.

[E]

I usually like the lady's feet, but he's a celebrity. I'll check his out.

[C]

Jesus Christ.

[B]

I don't need your fucking comedy patriot.

[E]

You know, one of the favorite scenes that I saw feet in that I loved was Bridget Fonda and Jackie Brown. Did you ever see that scene?

[B]

Oh, she's hot in that. She's got augmented breasts in. And she is. She is hot. And then. And then she gets shot in a parking lot. It's awesome.

[E]

Oh, man.

[B]

Yeah, I agree with you on that. Uma Thurman in Kill Bill. No, thank you.

[E]

No, no.

[B]

Weird. Yeah. Her feet. Her feet could wrap around. Her toes could wrap around your neck and strangle you. Did you know that?

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

Bad.

[B]

She's got nasty.

[D]

Doug, do you like feet?

[B]

Huh?

[D]

Yeah. You have a foot fetish thing.

[B]

No, no, no. I'm. He's mentioning Tarantino, who I've noticed has a foot fetish that I don't appreciate because he does it to every. He introduces most characters with their shoe. Their feet, of their shoes. I love Tarantino, but come on, man.

[C]

I agree with the foot thing.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

That's one thing I could deal with less of.

[B]

And I don't need to see the POV shot from the trunk anymore either. We get it.

[F]

Some.

[B]

Something's in the trunk. Yeah. Yeah.

[D]

Are they ever going to make the movie that tells us what's in the briefcase? What's the gold glittery thing?

[B]

Oh, it's just a. With you, like, for all time.

[D]

Is it the Raiders of the Lost Ark statue?

[B]

Yeah, that's what it is. Brian, is that thing hanging there? Is this. All this stuff? Is it always here?

[C]

No, no.

[B]

For Kill Tony. It's got a very Asian.

[C]

Yeah. It's a different set.

[B]

Chinese restaurant vibe.

[C]

Exactly.

[B]

Tonight.

[C]

Exactly.

[B]

So hopefully some of you will have jokes about that, and I'm excited to do this.

[C]

I. I noticed that some of the best guests that. Come on are always the people that I noticed that, like, love comedy the most. You know what I mean? Like, actually, yeah.

[B]

You bring comedians on that don't like comedy. That's just. That's gonna be a lot of bitter acrimony.

[C]

Right.

[B]

But this is gonna be happy acrimony.

[C]

You're a guy who likes talking. That I've noticed, at least from getting to hang out with you a bit, that you like talking shop and you like the. You know, the whole thing of it. So.

[B]

Yeah. Why is it called Kill Tony?

[C]

Just to be a name of a podcast.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Because you could have gone with Shop Talk. Shop Talk with Tony.

[C]

Shop Talk.

[B]

Yeah. St. W, T. Let's do it. No, but Kill Tony's good.

[C]

Weird word.

[B]

Kill Tony's good because you. You think that some of these people are Going to be angry at you that we're judging them. Could be okay somehow.

[C]

Be like that. Could be kill, Tony. Like you try to kill. Could be nothing.

[B]

Yeah, there's. It's got two meanings, really.

[C]

It's like the briefcase in Pulp Fiction. It could mean anything. You can use your imagination.

[B]

I admire how comedy patriot can. Can lay back like that. Like, he's not pushy. He doesn't jump in when he's not being spoken to. What did I just say?

[D]

I got a squirt bottle.

[B]

That was rude. I apologize.

[E]

You can be rude with me anytime, Doug. It's fine.

[B]

Oh, I. Oh, man, this is good stuff.

[C]

Hell, yeah. So what do you say we get it started? Shall we? Yeah, let's do that. Everybody gets 60 seconds. They come up. Maybe they do new material or old material or whatever, and, you know, we.

[B]

How about gone in 60 seconds with Tony Hinchcliffe?

[C]

That's interesting. I've heard a. I've heard some interesting.

[B]

Kind of an idea man.

[C]

And at 60 seconds, you will hear the meow of a cat. But then that's the angry bear.

[D]

West Hollywood bear.

[C]

The angry West Hollywood bear. And that comes out if you go too long over that. Now, it used to be like 10 seconds, and then I noticed after a few weeks, it became like five seconds. And then I've noticed lately that Brian just loves throwing this bear bear out, like, right afterwards.

[D]

It's a good sound.

[B]

Yeah. And Also, seriously, it's 60 seconds. Just quit after 60 seconds. Why is anybody going long? That's not how you establish yourself in this business, by running the light.

[C]

Right.

[B]

It's when people start to go, oh, this guy better. You know, if you're really hilarious, you probably get away with anything. But, you know, if you're struggling, you don't want to. You don't want to be that guy.

[C]

Exactly.

[B]

You don't want to be light runner.

[C]

Exactly. Oh, yeah. What's that? I don't even know what. He's just playing a song.

[B]

Sexy.

[C]

That happens if you kill for the entire minute and then run the light for. What if there was somebody.

[B]

Mellow jams. Come on. If you kill.

[C]

What if there was just a prodigy that we just all sat here and watched for two hours, just let him go. Could happen. Who knows?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Eddie Murphy started here, so let's get it started. We have tons of meetings. He didn't start here.

[B]

No, he's east coast.

[C]

But he did work out. Rocky.

[B]

Oh, he did shows here?

[E]

Sure, sure.

[C]

All right. Your first comedian tonight's name is Brian Moreno. There he comes, deep in the gullet. It's Brian Moreno.

[G]

What's happening, everybody? So I'm dating this girl right now, and we've been in a relationship for a long time. We've kind of gotten in the groove where we get along best and have the most fun. When she's asleep, she's quiet, and she's usually not crying. Like, thank God for that. And the complaints are so much less.

[B]

It's like, I tell her all the

[G]

time, I'm like, sweetie, I love you, girl, and I will marry you tomorrow if you develop narcolepsy. But the thing is, I've had a lot of unsuccessful relationships. Like, I used to date this girl. Beautiful, absolutely gorgeous. Gorgeous, gorgeous. But just from the side, you know, from the front, you're like, God damn. She'd always be like, baby, when we make love, why don't you look me in the eyes? I'm like, girl, I do. I totally do. Just one at a time. All right, guys, Brian Moreno.

[C]

There you go. PM clocking in at 52 seconds. Brian Moreno. Talking about now was the girlfriend's. I was a little confused at the beginning part. Was the girlfriend sleeping or is she not sleeping? Sleeping.

[G]

No, we have the most fun when she's asleep. I think I rushed that a little bit.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. She's not. She's not talking. She's not, you know, she's not doing any of those. But she's also not having sex with you when she's asleep. Or maybe that's where the joke should go. She's a very heavy sleeper, so that's. That's when we have our best times. Because she doesn't say anything. And the sex is incredible. Yes. Yeah, maybe. I don't know, but that might. Also. My overall note to you is just, like, it just seemed like women, women, women. Like, it just seemed, like, angry at women too much. Like, are you in a happy relationship in real life?

[C]

It depends.

[B]

Okay, well, so if that's honest, if it's you honestly talking about your girlfriend, that's one thing. And one minute maybe wasn't representative, but it just felt to me like you lost all the women in the crowd immediately with just kind of like, women, they should just fucking go to sleep, Which I agree with. But that's not the point of this exercise. The point of this exercise is to, you know, make it stronger for general audiences, you know, because that's what you have to do. Unfortunately, you don't get to perform for fans right out of the gate once they already like You. You can get away with anything.

[D]

Why are you staring at me?

[B]

Because I thought I'm supposed to turn to you and get your thoughts as well. Isn't this like American Idol?

[C]

No. Well, no, it's not really like American Idol. It's like. It's different because you're right.

[B]

That show had three panelists and some sort of talent competition.

[C]

Right.

[B]

And this is way different.

[C]

No, it is, because we try to

[B]

help them and we drink vodka instead of Cokes.

[C]

According to the layout of the show, he gets to, you know, take whatever we give him. They don't get that.

[B]

They take it.

[C]

Yeah. What do you take?

[B]

They take it. They're like, you should sing more uptempo numbers or wear a shorter skirt. And then the next week, they do.

[D]

Yeah, you're right. I agree with what? I agree with what.

[B]

I think that could be part of the show is that he can take those notes and come back and kind of do the same material again next week, but fixed or better or whatever. Punched. Yeah. No, I like that tag.

[G]

And I could work something in about dating a girl who's in a coma. You know, I don't think I could

[B]

do it, but we could probably have

[G]

some really, you know, good times, you know, Something. Something about a girl in a coma.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Like, she. Yeah.

[G]

I mean, work, shopping, but yeah.

[B]

She doesn't eat too much. You know, it's all intravenously, et cetera. Yeah, I think you're on your way. Bm. That's what I call you. Thank you, guys.

[G]

Thank you.

[C]

There he goes. Brian Moreno. That's Ryan Moreno, 21, on Twitter. For you listeners, if you have any tags or anything crazy you want to

[B]

tweet at Brian Moreno, Tweet him some stuff to say, but don't tweet him shit you've heard somewhere, like, make sure it's original, Right?

[C]

That's Ryan Moreno, 21. Your next comedian's name is Luke Schwartz.

[B]

Hey, everybody.

[D]

Hey, Doug.

[B]

How's it going?

[H]

Do you ever, like, know just instinctively that you'll be bad at something? Like, the other day, I was in the shower, and I bumped my elbow. Like, not that hard, but I still went like, ow. You know? And I'm just fucked in the zombie apocalypse. Like, that is not gonna go well for me. My friend is really excited for it, actually. He said, like, I can't wait for the apocalypse. Just gonna be, like, camping, but we're gonna kill the undead. Like, that's what it's gonna be like.

[F]

How could you?

[H]

That's not what it's gonna be like, I've seen those movies that just. I don't want to do any of that. That looks exhausting. That's, like, terrible to do. This is going great. I also. The apocalypse could happen. Like, we're running out of, like, space to live. We're running out of food. We're running out of, like, drinking water. It's crazy. Like, we're gonna. In, like, years. We're gonna have to tell kids, like, look, I know you haven't had a drink in, like, four days, but long showers were just amazing. Like, I just sit there.

[B]

They're really one on top of the other. Why not just have one? And they have to shut up.

[H]

I thought I did shut up.

[B]

No, no, you're fine. You did it perfectly.

[D]

In my head, though. The cat shouldn't be by himself. He wants to hang out with the bear.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You have a whole world going on over there, huh? You got your own little zoo.

[B]

Sorry about that.

[C]

What were you talking about, Luke?

[B]

It was. That's also a great idea. Let's get stoned first and then tell people what we think of. It's like a memory test. What did he even say? But you know what? The better stuff is gonna stand out. And I think that you were super premise heavy. Like, I thought that you had ideas, but not incredibly strong punchlines. And this is going great. Gets a little, like, laughter. Like, everyone's kind of, like, relieved that you're pointing that out, but also, you know, try to. Try to trudge forward without. Without. Without having to.

[C]

Without.

[B]

Without that disclaimer, you know, unless something specific happens. Like, if you hear somebody yawning, then by all means mention that. But when they, you know, when they're not laughing, it's kind of hard. It's. It's. You know. You know. You already know what I'm talking about. How many times? How many sets have you done in your life? I've been doing it three years. Yeah, there you go. So you already know that when you're not getting laughs, that it's better to not point it out, Right?

[H]

Sometimes I get away with it, and

[B]

sometimes I. Yeah, well, sometimes it'll turn the tide. But when you only have a minute and a bear is approaching, I understand the impulse. Say, this is not going great. But, like, on Star Search, which I did a million years ago, we only had two minutes. And, like, nobody ever says, oh, this isn't going well out loud. You just kind of have to pretend that it's going well.

[D]

Sometimes your zombie apocalypse thing, too Like, I get it, what you were trying to say. Like, you hurt yourself in the bath, in the shower, and you're like, oh, you know, when the zombie. That, you know, the connection there is not really as clear, you know, it's not like. Because what. In a zombie apocalypse, you're just like, I don't know.

[B]

He just gets hurt easily. So. Fighting zombies.

[D]

Yeah, I know, but I could understand if it was like football, like, you know, or something like that. But zombie apocalypse seems so odd to say.

[C]

What were you. What were you trying to. What. What's the point of it?

[B]

Yeah, what were you doing? And also, Iron Patriot, don't wave your arm around when the guest is announced because they always have to dodge it. They always like the first thing they have to do, which does not normally happen in comedy clubs. You don't normally have to run from a, you know, a plastic arm as you're approaching the stage. I mean, it's weird enough that you're just standing there the whole time. That never happens in comedy clubs. I mean, not in the.

[E]

What, on American Idol? You don't see me either.

[H]

That's true.

[B]

Let's go through all the places we don't see you. Disneyland, the Empire State.

[C]

I think the Patriot works next to the stage because. Because it's like a blatant just. There are distractions at comedy clubs and there's really not. I mean, other than the ever approaching bear. I feel like.

[B]

Speaking of distractions, what would happen if you tried to get on a plane in that? Would that work? Could you.

[D]

No, I agree.

[B]

You couldn't do it, right? What if he took the faceplate off? You could see his face.

[E]

I could stand on the plane.

[B]

Oh, that's why they wouldn't let you on a plane. Right there. Sorry I brought it up. What were you saying, Tony? Oh, my God. Stupidest question I've ever asked. And by ever, I mean, you know, last couple hours, right?

[C]

Oh, fuck.

[B]

What were you saying?

[C]

I forget.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, I'd say just tag it up if you're gonna keep that story. You know, like. Like Doug said, there's not really. There's a lot. It's heavy on the premise, but it's not really.

[F]

Problem.

[D]

Any joke?

[B]

Yeah, you know, just.

[H]

So just make it funnier in general.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, that is a great idea. Could it be funnier next time?

[C]

What are you saying in it?

[H]

Any jokes? And then it's.

[B]

Yeah, once you get those jokes in there, you're. You're home free. It's ridiculous how people respond to jokes. As opposed to just. Just worries about apocalypses. But no, no, I. You know, I think you've got the, you know, the talking and the premise parts of it down. I think I just think you need punchlines that. That. That, like, say, a Brian Red band could understand. Because he thinks you should change it to football instead of the zombie apocalypse?

[H]

No, he thinks, like, instead of, like,

[B]

you should be doing something more dangerous to.

[H]

But I don't do anything.

[B]

Yeah, I appreciate your comedic exaggeration. Whereas Brian likes more of a realistic approach.

[H]

I'll meet somewhere in the middle, maybe.

[B]

That sounds great. We'll see you there.

[H]

Bye.

[C]

There he goes. Luke Schwartz. He did not leave a Twitter handle.

[B]

No, he has. Do you even have a Twitter? Dude, get a fucking Twitter. That's how you learn how to write jokes. Write a joke on there. Nobody retweets it. Maybe it was terrible. And about the zombie apocalypse.

[C]

Your next comedian actually is an employee here. I know him. His name is Josh Martin, everybody.

[D]

Happy birthday, Josh.

[B]

Oh, thanks. I want to make it in life, guys. I really want to make it. I want to be famous. I want to be rich. That's what I want in life. There's only one thing I want more than that, though, is I want to be a man. Like, I'm not a man right now. I'll know the day I become a man is when my marshmallow to cereal ratio changes because there's way too many marshmallows in my cereal. It's, like, all marshmallows. Because I just eat a bag of marshmallows for breakfast. That's all I do. I don't even eat cereal. That's all. Oh, yeah, that's solid. Wow.

[C]

Josh Martin at Josh Martin comic. Holy moly.

[D]

That was great.

[B]

That was really fun. Yeah. My mind was going with them, you know, marshmallows and the cereal, because I was imagining I was thinking about, you know, being a youth and, like, with Lucky Charms or Count Chocula, like, liking the marshmallows so much more that if the. If a bowl had the. Too many of the. Just whatever you call that other stuff, the grains. If it had too much of that, like, I'd be bummed out by it. And so I thought that's kind of where it was going. But then the fucking. No, I just eat marshmallows and, you know, maybe that's it. Maybe, like, say, when I was a kid, I grew up at a campfire, you know, like. Like your. Your childhood home was a campfire or something. Marshmallow joke.

[C]

Right.

[B]

Nobody. Okay. See, like, even the experts can't agree.

[C]

You can. You could also go with some kind of like looking forward type of thing on it that like, you know, you're fearing the day when you pour cereal on top of your bowl of marshmallows or something like that, you know, like as a condiment.

[B]

Yeah. Maybe an old or maybe a whole person cereal to get you regular because you too clogged up on marshmallows.

[C]

Yeah, Like, I picture like, you know how some people might put marshmallows? Well, maybe marshmallows isn't a good one. Like, I don't feel like people don't independently put marshmallows in cereal, but like, they do put some shit on cereal.

[B]

Strawberries.

[C]

But it paints a funny picture. Sprinkling Cheerios on a bowl of marshmallows. You know, I don't know, maybe.

[B]

I don't know that maybe that might have been perfect enough that our. We don't need to help it.

[D]

Yeah. Right.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, yeah. It's so great.

[B]

I mean, is he like that solid week after week or.

[C]

No, definitely not.

[B]

I.

[C]

Definitely not.

[B]

I made the big mistake to do the same joke two weeks in a row and they killed me. The same job. Well, it is called Kill, Tony. But did you change it at all? I did change it, but they still, they didn't recognize the change or appreciate it.

[C]

Well, we haven't heard the change. Did you changed it for the second one?

[B]

Yes, I did change the wording. And you like. Why would you do the same joke twice? You're. Can you run that joke by me both times right now? I don't remember. Is it too. You don't remember? Well, that's you. You know, that's another tip I'm going to give you as about as another pot smoker. Remember your material?

[C]

He doesn't.

[B]

It really helps.

[H]

I don't even.

[B]

It's. Oh, I thought I spoke with him outside. He was just standing around. You know what? So maybe that's another note to you. Don't inhale near me. Oh. Because then you might remember a joke you told twice on this show and now you can't. It's about it. Once. I remember now it was about dick pills. Dick pills. And what was the change? It was a change in the wording of the setup. I don't remember the old way. I just. So it wasn't enough for them to notice the difference.

[C]

That's.

[B]

That's the key is you want to at least come back and like, you know, let Them notice the difference.

[C]

You don't even remember what the change was.

[B]

I. I don't remember. You know what? But maybe you could tie the two pieces together by saying, I wish they made dick pills and marshmallow flavor.

[C]

And then you.

[B]

Oh, that did get a laugh, but I got a. Oh, but that's. You know, that's part of the thing is starting. Starting to figure out ways to, like, do callbacks and build. Build jokes on top of each other and segues and all that, which you can't do in a minute. But I. I like that Tony's drawing the next name already.

[C]

I love it. No, I think that's the best bit. I've known Josh. I actually. A long time ago, I helped.

[B]

Oh, you used to.

[C]

Babysitting job here. What was that, like a year or two ago?

[B]

About a year and a half ago.

[C]

Two years, yeah. And I liked him when I first met him, so I helped him get a job here. And that's definitely the best bet I've ever seen you write or perform. So.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Congratulations to you, Josh. Reaching a new high. I think you actually made me laugh.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

His Twitter handle is oshmartincomic. If you have any ideas on what you might do.

[B]

Let me real quick. Just the thing with the Iron Patriot Comedy Patriot. Can you put your hand up on your forehead like a salute? Can you reach that? Goddamn. You're like a bodybuilder. You're like the Rock. He can't scratch his own foreheads. I've been doing all right. Well, because if he could do that, I thought that'd be like, a fun way to like whenever he likes a set, give them the salute. Can you try to do a thumbs up?

[E]

I can do this. I could do this. I could do this.

[B]

Could you do a thumbs up like I just asked? There you go. Do that.

[E]

Okay.

[B]

Only the ones you like. And you could be as harsh about it as you want.

[D]

I will remember picking out the marshmallows, though. And then like. Like the first couple bowls of the box would have, like, so much marshmallows in your bowl. Then that last bowl there was like, one or two marshmallows.

[B]

Yeah, the grainy ones, they would sink to the bottom. Yeah, it was a bummer.

[E]

I like the Lucky Charms.

[D]

Me too.

[C]

Your next comedian's name is Gem, everybody. It's Gem.

[G]

Hi, my name is Jim. That's G E M. I recently was evicted. Got me thinking about when I was living in England. That's where I had the longest permanent residence of 48 months. Mostly because even in England they don't evict you from prison. I've been watching a lot of the orange and black recently, also known as the Los Angeles bus system. Yeah, I haven't been going up because I've been dealing with the eviction for the last two weeks. So I'm a little rusty at this. I mean, not rusty, like if I penetrate you, I'm going to give you tetanus chlamydia. Yes. But just because the antibiotics didn't take. So what I'm saying I want to get over is 248-95-27290 is my number. If you need some medical cannabis, please feel free to call me. 248-95-27290. That's gem. Thank you very much.

[B]

So you never intended to do stand up comedy, you just faked it until you got to the phone number to call for cannabis?

[D]

I'm calling for a wash, a West Hollywood band. Because now you have to make me fucking edit out a fucking phone number. Make me do work.

[B]

Oh, poor Brian.

[C]

Is that a real phone number?

[D]

Thanks a lot, dick.

[B]

Well, this turned ugly. What? So you're keep standing there like you're looking confused. What did you just do? You attempted some jokes. I did three jokes. You actually work for.

[G]

No, no, that's my number.

[D]

Oh, that seems like a great.

[B]

Your home number.

[G]

Well, I only have a phone. I mean, I don't have a home. I mean, so I got evicted. So I don't get really know. I want to sell some weed so I get a new place to motherfucking live. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

Do you hear what I'm saying? I mean, you know, now I'm getting it. Okay, cool.

[G]

I did like your movie though. Super high security comedy.

[C]

Patriot, Patriot, Patriot.

[G]

It was much, it was much. It was much better than that guy that took your idea and did that super Size me thing that got Morgan Spurlock, who stole your idea. It was much better than that.

[B]

That's a fun twist you put on that. But seriously, if. If someone calls you at that number and they can buy some weed, sell them weed. But you're not a dispensary. Or why am I not?

[G]

Of course I'm a dispensary.

[I]

You are?

[C]

Yeah.

[G]

Anybody that needs weed, I'll dispense it to him.

[B]

This guy really got into his stride during the back and forth portion as opposed to the actual stand up.

[C]

What if somebody that listens to this because people around the world listen to

[G]

this, I will ship it anywhere in the United States. Ship it out right there. I mean, how are they gonna catch me? I don't have anywhere to live, so I'm just roaming the streets, you know, they call.

[B]

Do you want to be a stand up comedian?

[D]

Huh?

[C]

I mean, all they would have to do if they did.

[B]

What do you mean?

[G]

I'm standing up here. I'm making you laugh even. Come on. You're laughing out there.

[B]

I'm kind of laughing at.

[G]

Why are you.

[D]

Why are you what?

[B]

I'm thinking. Why are you saying.

[G]

But why are you saying that, though, really?

[B]

I'm just saying.

[G]

You didn't like either one of those three jokes. I did do three jokes.

[B]

You did. You did. Let's let the Patriot handle this.

[E]

A little backstory on this guy. He went to jail for two years for selling Molly over in Europe.

[G]

35 months, actually.

[B]

See, I thought. I thought there was some truth to that story. And that's why the first thing I asked you is what, what, what the fuck would just happen? Like, because I don't know what's real and what isn't. And you guys have seen him before?

[D]

Yes.

[G]

Fifth time.

[C]

I don't know if it's many times. I think it's been twice.

[B]

Fifth.

[E]

Three.

[B]

Three or four. He says five times.

[C]

Tony, Jesus Christ, Jim, we got to take a break with you, buddy. I didn't know that. Yeah, I don't think anybody's ever gotten on fire.

[B]

It can't be the same person week after week after week.

[D]

And you don't use this. I've been skipping.

[G]

I've been skipping weeks, though.

[D]

You don't use this show. It's a commercial, man. You don't give your phone number out. Because I have to edit it out.

[C]

Yeah, real bum.

[D]

I mean, there's like responsibility or.

[B]

Because he might leave it in. You'll get some up calls if he leaves it in.

[D]

Well, yeah, half of me leave it in.

[B]

That'll be good. He's saying leave it in because he knows it might be somebody who wants to buy some. Yeah, I got some weed, you know, basically terribly legit. It doesn't sound like, you know what I'm saying. I got some weed, you know, if

[G]

you want to buy some weed.

[B]

What I'm saying. Yeah, but. Yeah, that's not. I know, I know, I know. That's still not legal in California.

[D]

I know.

[G]

Whatever.

[B]

Doing it that way, you got. You got to start a dispensary.

[D]

Thanks for wasting my time.

[C]

There he goes, everybody. Jim, thank you.

[B]

Thank you, Jim.

[C]

Selling pot, obviously really hot Stock right now to get in the pot selling market.

[B]

It just reminds me of that expression that I now think is absolutely true. They can't all be gems is what people say. Like that's a, that's a standard line when a joke doesn't work.

[C]

Oh, I know this lovely lady. I do believe this is her first time performing here. Her name is Courtney Molay, everyone.

[J]

Hello. So I noticed a lot of people in this town are flakes. It's like all my friends keep telling me that they're going to kill themselves and then they don't. So it just makes like, how am I supposed to trust them after that, you know? Also, I'm from like a really, really small town where pretty much everyone is related. So it just makes me wonder, like, is it still incest if it's your sixth cousin in a row? You know, I guess after like the fourth and fifth, you just kind of stop counting, you know, go crazy. Also, my boyfriend just dumped me while I was in the shower, I think to avoid an argument. So I got out anyways. I was like, I've had it up to here with you. I would say here, but I forgot to shave. So use your imagination. Thank you.

[C]

You got a little mean at the end there. A little bit mean with the. Given the bird. Giving the bird to the boyfriend.

[B]

Yeah. Also, how nasty does it get when you forget to shave? Yeah, I wouldn't think so.

[C]

How often do you shave, just out of curiosity?

[J]

Actually, I never shave. I don't even really get hair there.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

I knew there was a reason I asked.

[B]

But yeah, I, you know, I don't think that last joke worked. But the earlier ones.

[C]

Totally.

[B]

Yeah, totally worked. It's, you know, it's an audience of people that are waiting up to get to come up and tell their joke. So like it's, you know, that they were laughs at all is probably pretty encouraging, right?

[C]

Very much so. What was that first one about again?

[J]

My friends being flakes because they won't kill themselves.

[C]

Right. I would say that's such a good premise to keep thinking of other ways other than suicide. Like if you can think about, I don't know, like, other things people say that they're going to do. Or even more on the suicide thing, I'm not exactly sure. Sometimes I can think of these things on the side.

[B]

It might have been, you know, suicide might have been a little heavy out of the gate too, you know.

[C]

Right.

[B]

You never know.

[C]

Easier setup.

[B]

You never know if that joke would work better. A couple jokes in, but again, this is a specific format that you'll never have to recreate in your entire career. There's never anywhere where you just do a one minute set. So it's a special.

[C]

Right.

[B]

And just a chance to. To workshop it. Did you. Were you happy with it?

[J]

Well, I mean, I usually like to breathe a little bit more in between jokes, but that was.

[B]

Yeah, right. Like a minute. You feel like you gotta rush to get it all in. So that's. That's another thing. But instead of breathing, maybe, you know, just say something in between the jokes about, you know, that you just sort of say spontaneously. I don't know how spontaneous you want to be as a performer or how planned out, but, you know, like. Like we learned earlier tonight, this isn't going great is always a hilarious thing to say between jokes. I'm just kidding. You know, I like those first few jokes. And then I just didn't buy the armpit thing.

[C]

Right, right. Totally, totally.

[D]

No body hair.

[C]

Right.

[B]

That's not necessarily true. There's no rules.

[J]

Just the armpits.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[J]

I'm a normal person.

[B]

Yeah. Also, maybe it was because what you're wearing, when you raised your hand up, the audience didn't go, you know, because they would have seen armpit hair if you had a lot of it. Right.

[J]

Yeah, maybe I should make armpit hair.

[B]

No, wear sleeves. Wear sleeves. Okay.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You're learning the wrong lesson. No, but that was good. I like her. You're friends with her, Tony. How do you know her?

[C]

She. What did she.

[D]

She was a past Ding donger on the Ding Dong Show.

[B]

She used to be a ding donger? What, is she not crazy enough to stay a ding donger? Is that what happened? Wow. This girl's kind of normal. Get her the fuck out of here. She doesn't even need to shave her pits. We don't need that.

[C]

That's hilarious.

[B]

We need some Harry Pitt weirdos who like to drop dogs.

[C]

She's ortneymollet on Twitter with a K, K O R T N E Y M O L L E. She's very funny. Your next comedian is Norman.

[B]

All right, this. This happened to me the other day too. So don't try to give me advice and try to encourage me when you need advice and encouragement too. There's this guy I was talking to. He was like, hey, listen here, man. You can do anything you want to do in this life. Like, anything you want to do. All you have to do is shoot for the stars. Just shoot for the stars. He's like, all right, hold on one second, please. Everybody, hands and feet inside the ride at all times, please. And pull over the top for emergency exit. But like I was saying, just shoot for the stars. And in my mind, I'm like, okay, so, like, what do you do? Like, why are you here? He's like, sometimes when you shoot for the stars, the gun gets jammed, and you really don't go where you're supposed to go. And I was like, all right. I guess that's how I was supposed to go.

[C]

But that's funny. The good. The gun. Sometimes the gun gets jammed.

[B]

Is that it? Yeah, I can keep. Okay. No, no, no, no. I. I just didn't. I just didn't hear any bears or anything, so I wasn't sure because we wouldn't normally jump in and start talking while they're still.

[C]

Right.

[B]

Time. Right. But I would say, you know, like. Like, Tony responded to the shoot for the stars gun is jam part. So maybe the whole thing about it turns out he's a guy working in an amusement park that seems maybe a little bit convoluted. And also, it reminded me of Maria Bamford's joke where the girl from high school is being really condescending about her comedy, and then it ends with debit or credit. Like, it turns out that she's at the Kmart or whatever.

[E]

So.

[B]

Yeah, but the shoot for the stars in the gun jam is like, that's. To me, that's the part that you should figure out a way to build on. Okay. Yeah, that's. Because that's a. That's a good line, you know?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Just also weird that the guy. I mean, maybe that's a joke is how weird it is that a guy operating a ride is that philosophical and really telling. Why is he telling you about your. Your life? You just met him. You're just getting on the ride. Like, how does he even. Why is he even telling you all that shit?

[C]

And then another funny thing is what. On top of that is he's so philosophical and he's working there, and that's his big explanation about his life with that speech impediment that you're giving that character for a guy who sounds like that, which you. I don't think you even mentioned, you just say that you do it. I mean, you just go right into it. But the fact that his thing is, you know, however you say shoe for the stars or whatever, however he said it, there's something funny in the fact that. I mean, this is that. That's his philosophy on life. So that's his end game, and he can't even say it properly, you know?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. It's really. It's hard to give people advice when you have a speech impediment.

[C]

Yeah, Right.

[D]

And it was a wooden roller coaster the whole time. It wasn't even one of the new ones.

[C]

What?

[B]

Oh, double.

[C]

Double burn.

[B]

Double o' Brien.

[C]

Double burn. Not only is it the amusement park, it's also a wooden coaster. That's Ormantowns on Twitter. Normantowns.

[B]

Thank you, Norman.

[C]

Heck, yeah, buddy. Interesting. Shecky Green, everybody. Shecky Green. Is that new one. Haven't seen Shucky Green. Oh. You know what happens if a comedian doesn't show up? They get blacklisted.

[B]

What the what? Holy crap.

[C]

We really got this thing worked out.

[B]

That was.

[C]

That's the best reaction ever. He knocked over your whole class. That's all it is, is he makes a bunch of sounds and the person doesn't get to do the show again.

[B]

That was intense blacklisting. I thought you had, like, a clipboard and a piece of paper and you'd cross his name out, but fucking comedy patriot just shot that guy down. I mean, that does. You know. That is the name of a famous comedian, Shecky Green. So we should have. We should have seen that coming with somebody playing around.

[C]

Oh, how dare they.

[B]

Yeah, comedians with their sense of humor.

[C]

I bet that guy's one of the funniest ones.

[B]

Or it was the real Shecky Green. Like, change his mind when he saw what was really happening.

[C]

That's crazy.

[B]

He wanted to reach out to the young people with one minute of new humor and then saw what happened to everybody else.

[C]

I know this guy. This guy's a funny comedian out of Boston. I do believe he's done the show before. His name is Matt Devlin, everybody.

[B]

Sorry if I was a pain in the dick earlier, Tony, about getting on. I'm anxious. All right, you can start your timer.

[C]

They already did. If Bill Hicks killed Billy Ray Cyrus

[B]

when he wanted to, I'd have had

[C]

nothing to jerk off to this morning.

[D]

Except for the Yosemite fire,

[B]

Which I've been jerking off to since I started it. That's the last time I ever get to tell that joke. Thank you very much. Yeah. I don't even know if it's worth it to give notes on such dated material or material that's going to die soon. But, yeah, it's finished. But that's good stuff. Yeah. And I also liked hearing you say the word started because it reminded me that you're from Boston the way you Said it, but I. Two funny jokes.

[C]

Yeah, definitely. That's a. Interesting topical fun. I mean, it's not really that topical, though. I mean, you can always replace a tragedy with that type of. The way that you say those things, that works for you, you know, and you believe in it. That's why you're saying it. So you can always just slide in the new thing. I mean, that happens.

[B]

Yeah, just say it about some new things. Like when other things happen, go up and say something about that and do

[C]

a new forest fire.

[B]

That's Tony's advice.

[C]

Well, there's. There's always something terrible happening.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, Just put a new terrible thing in there. Hey, Miley Cyrus. Avalanche in Norway.

[C]

Well, the way he says it, I believe that. I can almost picture him jerking off to something evil.

[B]

I see what you mean, jerking off part. I get you now. Now, that does make sense. That you could jerk off to any horrible event. And let's keep our fingers crossed that some happen. I'm sure it will, Doug. I'm sure it will. Oh, my God. Can you imagine? Like, oh, Sandy Hook. You know, that kind of thing. That was a beauty. All right, I got that one on TiVo, man. So you're ready to go super dark? Totally. You're not afraid? Straight up. All right, dude. Thank you. Good luck with that. Good job.

[C]

Yeah, that's great. Unbelievable, right?

[B]

Yeah. I thought I was gonna offend everyone when I said that. He just ran with it.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Got some laughs.

[C]

Trey Stewart.

[B]

Oh, audience favorite.

[C]

Oh, he's here. Hey, guys.

[B]

It's good to be here. I'm happy if you couldn't tell, because I'm gonna get my hair cut tomorrow and finally found somebody comfortable with touching my hair. Last guy I went to was terrible. He didn't know what he was doing. I should have knew he didn't know what he was doing from the first thing he said. I sat in his chair and he's

[C]

like, yeah, yeah, I got you.

[B]

But before I cut you, there's something that you need to know. Sometimes niggas make mistakes. It's like, you know what? You're right, because I almost made one. Let me out the back of this van. Cause I did not think this one through. Thank you, guys. I've been choice. Couple good twists there at the end. Appropriate use of the N word.

[C]

Yeah,

[B]

nailed it. Wasn't offensive in any way. It's just how somebody spoke. That wasn't him.

[D]

Only used 35.

[B]

Quoting somebody. Yeah, it was quick. You just wanted to try that one joke. Maybe figure out some ways to shave the setup a little bit because it was mostly set up, you know.

[C]

Yeah, say the N word more.

[B]

Yeah, well, maybe not say more, but like, maybe more of that, you know, the way that guy talks or something before, before you get out of the van. But, but haircut in the back of a van, I like that.

[D]

Oh, thank you.

[B]

There's nothing related to complain about.

[C]

Right.

[B]

He just. You just need about 70 more of those and then. And then you'll have an act. Thank you. I love 70 more, but you know what I mean.

[C]

I love the backwards hat, the charisma.

[B]

Now we're getting into. I haven't been critiquing people based on appearance. Really?

[C]

No, I just, I just love the kind of.

[B]

The hat kind of like to me covered up the. I was like, oh, you know, when you brought up your hair, I was like, oh, so he's getting a cut tomorrow. Is it? So does it look terrible under there right now? It's a mess. Yeah. Yeah, but what if, you know, maybe the joke's funnier if you come out with that messed up hair and the first thing you say is, you know, I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow. I don't know. I don't really like those kind of visual jokes as a general rule, but sometimes they're fun. Can you show us what it looks like under there?

[C]

Or you could say, let's see it.

[B]

It's terrible. That's the worst haircut I've ever seen. No, I know how that is, though. I mean, I'm in desperate need of a cut right now, so. I hear you.

[C]

There you go. If there's any barbers around.

[B]

No, I mean, it's just your own personal.

[C]

You know what I mean, Trey Stewart,

[B]

just because you think your hair looks terrible, other people might just be like, it's fine, dude, don't worry about it.

[C]

What kind of haircut do you have under there, Patriot?

[E]

I just got my hair cut last week on a film called Vatican Tapes.

[B]

I was a priest, so they cut it super short.

[E]

You know, I was just an extra. Of course, anytime I say it, you know, I'm an extra. But yeah, they cut it short and I was looking pretty good and I'm happy with. I saved the money. I didn't have to go to Supercuts and spend like $25 or 12. I'll give a ten dollar tip though. I like my hair cutter.

[B]

You price sweat less in that thing with shorter hair. Yeah, right.

[E]

I got an undersuit specially designed, so I don't Sweat. It's a moisture management Coolmax Spandex.

[B]

Some of the girls in the audience tonight want to know what you look like.

[E]

They can go to my Facebook page if they want to check out and see what I look like.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah. All right. So do that. He's not. He's not about revealing himself tonight. You know, maybe the bus driver. What about. Do you drink alcohol?

[E]

Once I leave the house, I don't drink a drop because I don't want to have to go to the bathroom. I make sure and go before I go. And there's no more drinking to be

[C]

done because of the suit.

[E]

Yeah, I don't want. I can't go to the bathroom. I'm not gonna be. I don't want any problems happening.

[D]

You could just have depends on.

[E]

I don't wear diapers. I don't like that shit.

[B]

Hahaha.

[E]

I'm acclimated. I already do all that shit when I'm at home during the afternoon. I got this down to a science red band.

[C]

Hey, what's up, Paulie? Ladies and gentlemen.

[B]

Holy shit. Pauly Shore is here, everybody.

[C]

Patriot, patriot, patriot. Take it easy.

[B]

Yeah. Don't try to throw him out. This is. This is his castle. Yeah, you asshole.

[C]

You can wherever you want, cruise through in there.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Heck yeah. Oh, awesome. Hi, Sandy Danto. Put your hands together for Paulie Shore and San Die Danto, everybody. Celebrity guests.

[B]

Good.

[F]

Where we we supposed to go?

[C]

Oh, that's so great. Yeah.

[B]

If you guys have any opinions about any of these acts.

[C]

Yeah, of course.

[B]

Let us know his Twitter address. They've got one minute to try their stuff out on us.

[C]

He didn't have one.

[B]

Yeah, there we go.

[C]

Comedians do 60 seconds and then we try to tag their stuff. Stuff. Or talk with them about it, see what's going on. Oh, this guy. Jesus Christ. Oh, Put your hands together for Tommy Lee, everyone. Somehow he gets on every.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

What the.

[D]

So my dad doesn't really approve of me doing comedy at all.

[B]

He's.

[D]

He's a tough guy to please. Like, he went to Princeton, then he got his master's from Columbia, got his PhD from Stanford, which means he's a dick. That's what that means.

[E]

Really? You know how hard it is to

[D]

get approval from someone with three Ivy League degrees? Telling my dad I didn't get into Princeton was like coming out of the closet in a conservative Christian family. You know, just the amount of shame I felt. It's like, dad, I'm sorry. Didn't get in.

[B]

You what?

[D]

God damn it.

[B]

I knew you were different from day one.

[D]

Should have been hanging out with your Uncle Tony.

[B]

Get the fuck out.

[D]

That's it.

[C]

All right, interesting. So it's a joke about how you're disappointing your dad by not going to college, but I get into Princeton. Princeton?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Very specific.

[C]

Did you go to college?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Where'd you go?

[D]

University of Miami.

[C]

Why didn't you go to Princeton?

[D]

I didn't get in.

[B]

Whoa. How do you get in University of Miami? Just like, you just have to write party across your forms. Big letters.

[D]

No, I just applied. I got in.

[B]

What'd you major in there?

[D]

It's a double major in economics and film studies.

[B]

Oh, wow. Interesting.

[C]

All right.

[B]

I didn't. I didn't. I didn't love it. I just did. I couldn't relate to it, really.

[E]

Can I remind you guys what happened with him the last two times? The last two times? Remember he was talking about how creepy he was and you guys were discouraging him from that. And then he had a shirt. It wasn't very good. Ironed. I think that looks better. I think he's making some progress this week.

[B]

You know, of course, the iron man is concerned about iron shirts.

[C]

All right?

[E]

And yeah, I iron all my shit at home.

[B]

All right. Don't move like that ever again.

[D]

But it sounded like you were talking to, like a psychiatrist or something at some points. Like you were just really like almost doing a narration of your. Your life. Like, again, there was a lot of setup that wasn't tagged or it was more like story based.

[B]

The first and hard to relate to. Like, a lot of us don't have problems with our parents because. Because of not getting into Harvard, I'd imagine every single one of us. So that's kind of like you either have to figure out a way to make that more accessible or, you know, try something else. But congratulations on comedy Patriot. Liking your shirt.

[D]

Yeah, I guess I was just trying to play with the high expectations thing, but I guess I'm not really sure how to do that.

[B]

No, you're. You know, it's not. It's not like you. What you just did was awful. Like, just keep, you know, keep going at it. It's just for some reason that didn't. That didn't land okay. And. And also you're. He's on too much. You were like. When you pulled his name out, you're like, jesus, how did he get.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. How many times have you got on? Like four or five times. Like four something.

[B]

Yeah. So maybe come back and.

[C]

Seems like six how many weeks?

[B]

When can he come back? Like two weeks, Three?

[C]

Yeah. I think Tommy and you got to

[B]

come up with rules.

[C]

Tommy and Jim have to to both take a couple weeks.

[D]

Is he the same guy that the first two times he went on stage, you didn't pay attention to him because he bored you so much?

[C]

I purposefully paid extra hard attention. I was able to stay in the pocket on this one and for nothing. I mean, I really didn't end up right. I wish I was not rewarding, but I wish I would have daydreamed at that one as well. And I love that you have to

[B]

schedule daydreaming time during these one minute segments. Thank you so much. This place is amazing, right?

[E]

It is.

[B]

You spill a drink and two minutes later you got a new drink.

[C]

I just can't wait until you're just a couple sips in and somebody else gets blacklisted and just. Oh, my God.

[B]

I don't think I'll be surprised by it again the next time.

[C]

Bobby Lee, everybody. Hey, Bobby.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

Kill Tony regular Bobby Lee walking out the door. Everybody

[B]

in and out. Bobby Lee.

[C]

Your next comedian's name is Scott Kidd, everyone. Almost disappointed that.

[B]

How's it going, everybody? Hey, Iron Patriot. You say you drive a Nissan Versa?

[E]

Yes.

[B]

Is it blue?

[E]

White?

[B]

Oh, damn. I thought maybe he was the one with the Amber alert.

[C]

I wasn't sure.

[B]

Oh, man. You should be ready for when they might not say the exact response you were hoping for. Yeah.

[C]

Oh, well.

[B]

But I'm sorry to take it for your time. No problem. All right, so I work in a casino with a lot of Asians and I've come across this, you know, this. What is it called? One of those things that you have when you like realize something.

[C]

Realizations.

[B]

And that's that China doesn't really have to send troops over to take over America. They can just send a bunch of

[G]

hot Asian women and we'll do whatever

[B]

the fuck they want.

[G]

I mean, they don't need to worry

[B]

about or we don't need to worry about dictators as much as we need to worry about dick teases. Womp, womp. Speaking of things made in China. Oh, oh, oh.

[C]

You brought out the bear. You went over your time. Slow it down. Everybody relax. The bear is out.

[B]

I would kind of enjoy a whole set of joke doesn't work.

[C]

I really exactly what I was gonna say. I mean, that's a dumb thing to say.

[B]

Do like.

[C]

I mean, that could go either way. You could end up, you know, that could be you could be some. If you really stuck with that as your comedic voice and was just the. And you just some. You floated it out there. And then just the way you did

[B]

it, it was like maybe also like.

[C]

It's like you were conducting an orchestra of.

[B]

Wa.

[D]

Wa.

[B]

And then maybe. Maybe you could also be the guy that doesn't remember words. Like realization.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Like take, like, always take a long time trying to think of words that are. You know, you should. You should pretty much know that word. Yeah. If it's. If it's in your joke you're trying to tell. Right, right. That's. That's the last time you should be grasping for. For. For.

[D]

I say spend like five minutes trying to figure it out.

[B]

Brian, okay? Brian's like the. You know, he's the shitty advice.

[D]

Yeah, I'm the shitty advice dude.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. He just wants to make that bear sound. That's all he cares about. Do you only have, like, three play on songs? Is that what's happening?

[D]

What's that?

[B]

How many songs you have to play them on? Because I could play. So, yeah, play. Everybody gets a different one. Just anything. But it's just fun to have a different person get a song. And I thought the. The banjo music when the black guy was coming up seemed racist to me.

[C]

Whoa.

[B]

But then it turned out as Price is Right. I didn't realize there was banjo and Price is Right.

[C]

Can I hear a little bit of that?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. 70s price is right banjo.

[C]

Price is Right starts a little racist.

[B]

No, that's Price is Right. That's Price is Right.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, maybe Match Game. No, it was Family Feud. There you go. That Here comes a black guy. Didn't seem right. But he's only got a minute, so he didn't say anything about it.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

He was cool about it. So anyway, you know, what you did was fun. It wasn't necessarily, you know, I'd lose the gum next time you go on stage. Just these simple things. Right? Right, Paulie? It's the simple things. But, yeah, okay. Keep doing what you're doing. Thanks.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[E]

Wa.

[C]

Wa.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

There you go. Can I leave now, Scott Kidd?

[B]

No, you have to stay

[C]

interesting.

[B]

Oh, here we go. Paulie has something.

[F]

It's just. I mean, all these people, they come up here and they. They're not connecting with the audience.

[D]

Like, see how these.

[F]

These guys are connecting with the audience? So the thing that's the most important about comedy is not the jokes at all. It's about you guys connecting and you're not connecting. You're, like, staring up in space. Like, fuck around a little. And then go into your material, you know, let the audience touch you, feel you, be connected to them. And then fuck, do your stuff. But don't just go in your shit like, you know, I mean, look, that's what's great about David Letterman. You ever see David Letterman? He's fucking around a lot. He's having fun. He's connecting with people. So just try to connect and get out of your head about the material. It's not about the material. All right, who's next?

[B]

Yeah, if you have. That's a good point. If you have like one joke that's probably gonna take like 30 seconds of your minute. So you can kind of. You can ease into it. Yeah, yeah, good advice.

[C]

Build on the connection. I love it. Oh, that's right. I picked one. His name is Kenny L. There he is. Kenny Lyons.

[B]

That's another option. No music. Hey, Kenny. All right.

[C]

A little bit too much. Look what you did.

[B]

Look at you started. I would have lost it. If he spent two minutes connecting with the audience. I just applied that advice immediately. A lot of people.

[C]

Hit the bear. Hit the bear. No, I'm kidding.

[F]

Try to help them.

[B]

Paulie has a good point. We should be helping, not hurting. Hey, hey, shut the up. Wait up. It's true. Let me tell the joke. Shut up. All right. A lot of people talk bad about Ruthless people. I don't understand why. Why nobody takes their emotions into consideration. I mean, who stole their Ruth? They followed along Ruthless people. We don't appreciate them because they're.

[K]

They're.

[B]

Their Ruth got stolen.

[C]

Wait, what is it?

[B]

They're Ruth got jacked. So they're ruthless.

[C]

Wait, what?

[B]

Sub comedy is just for me. I'm the only one that gets this guy. So fucking let him finish. Yeah. Oh, my God.

[C]

That was the saddest fist bump I've ever seen in my life. Thanks for sticking by me, Doug.

[B]

What else you got? Is that it?

[C]

I got.

[B]

There was the getting to know the audience part and then the Ruthless joke. Joke. It's a start.

[D]

One, two, three, go.

[B]

You got one more joke you can tell us? Yeah. I bought a ticket to a rave concert, Everyone. Worst decision I made. 2013, this guy by the name of David Guetta was on stage. I don't like his music. Not my kind of. I started yelling from the crowd, david, get out of here. So I look forward to lots more pun oriented material. I'm Guatemalan from you, man.

[C]

That's great.

[D]

Fucking love it every time you. Come on, man. I just Love you. You're one of my favorite people.

[B]

Thank you, Redman. Excuse me for Jem's bullshit.

[C]

What, do you work with him?

[B]

What do you have to do with Jem?

[C]

You sharing a landline with him or something?

[B]

I used to live in his apartment because my mom was tripping too much and. Yeah, save that minute for next time. That's a good story. You lived with Jem and your mom was tripping? I like it.

[C]

There he goes, everybody. Kenny Lyon, we're finally home.

[B]

Thanks, dude. Get outta here.

[C]

A lovely young lady. I know her. She's been doing this a while. Glad that she's in attendance tonight. Put your hands together for the great Stephanie Simbari, everybody.

[I]

Thank you. Thank you for having me, fellas. Pauly Shore. Good to see you. All right. Oh, my shoe's broken. It's fucked up. I'm afraid that I'm gonna lose my ability to be a romantic. Cause I've been living in LA and fucking all my friends for too long. You know, it's not. I'm sorry. Not fucking hooking up with you can't fuck your friends. It ruins your friendship. But you can let them go down on you. That's totally fine. But sometimes I listen to love songs on the coast. Do you guys know that? I listen to it to test just how lonely I actually am. Like, how many Adele songs before I just drive my car off the road? Like, what? But I hate it because the woman always has that, like, really soft DJ voice where she's like, this is Delilah. This song goes out to Mindy from Chris. He loves you so much. You're the future mother of his children. You're a real catch, right? And then it's like Blurred Lines by Robin Thicke or something. But I wish it would get real. I wish she would be like. This song goes out to Mindy from Chris. Thanks for licking his balls and.

[B]

And swallowing.

[I]

Even though you guys don't know each other that well, you know.

[C]

Closes on the bear.

[I]

Look, Brian, my shoe was broken.

[B]

Shit got up.

[D]

And that's why I gave you one minute and 15 seconds.

[E]

I earned those 15 seconds that flew by.

[B]

I didn't even notice the extra 15 seconds.

[D]

You're lost in her beauty, right?

[B]

Yeah, well, not just that, but she. You know, you're engaging and talking about stuff that I understood and could. Could relate to, you know? I think Paulie has something to say. Brian.

[F]

Beautiful Brian. She's got a great look. I also think that on camera, like, done up, like, she was real. No, no. You're hot right now. But I'm just saying, you know, she'd be good on Chelsea.

[B]

Yeah. You're hot right now. Fresh out of bed. What would you be like if you

[I]

slept till about 4?

[C]

No.

[F]

Like, on Chelsea lately, doing the panel or something like that. Like, I think she'd be good. So. Yeah, I think she's got something.

[D]

You know what I mean?

[C]

Totally. Sandy, what's up?

[F]

What do you think, Sandy?

[C]

Any tags or anything to that minute of anything.

[B]

I. I wasn't really paying attention.

[I]

You heard that? You heard. That's the second time I've ever done that. Done that joke. And you heard it the first time and you were like, good premise needs work.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[I]

That's what you said.

[B]

I wasn't paying attention then either. I thought it was. It does need work, but you just have to keep doing it.

[I]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. You kind of threw away the blurred lines thing. Like, it might be better if you just pick a song that's just absolutely inappropriate for what you just set up.

[I]

Well, then I think sometimes I like to say into the mystic by Van Morrison, because that's my favorite song.

[B]

You got. I think you got too romantic, though.

[I]

But more relevant as the second Blurred lines work.

[B]

Because it's relevant, right?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Always got to be changing that. And do a dj. You have a deep, sexy DJ voice. You have a face for radio and a voice for radio. So use it. When you do that. Big radio is not a compliment. When you do that bit, go into a radio, DJs kind of Delilah. That's what I mean. Hey, listen, you were quoting her, not doing her. You were just saying you could get into it. You know, be a radio dj.

[K]

Right.

[B]

They have a certain way that they speak. You can do that. Yeah. Act that shit out, girl.

[C]

Yeah. The part where you're doing Delilah, it seems to be, you know, the strongest. You know, when you hit that, when you start going dirty with it. So you could really get more into the Delilah part especially.

[K]

Yes.

[C]

Everybody catches on. They've all. That's something everybody can relate to is Delilah. For some weird reason. Like, it's something everybody's heard at some point. Yeah.

[I]

Sometimes you're just stuck with, like 110 by now. I feel like she's been on the radio forever.

[C]

Right. I can't imagine.

[B]

Yeah. And every city has that. Yes. Kind of station with that, where she's super serious and reading those, you know, letters. People said, like, what the fuck? Somebody sends in a letter to a radio.

[K]

Yeah.

[I]

Like, how do you Spotify?

[B]

And it's always like, oh, I just want to let so and so know I love him. That guy's not fucking listening to love songs on the coast, waiting to hear a mention from his, you know, just go, just walk across the room and tell him that you love him. Don't make him listen to a whole night of Barry Manilow songs just to get to that. So. But it's. It's definitely a right premise.

[C]

It seems like it's something you'd want to do to somebody that you don't like or love. Like throw their name out there.

[B]

That's a great idea. Yeah, I'm gonna do that.

[C]

Right?

[B]

How do you. It's so radio. Like, how can you plan on somebody listening to their shout out?

[C]

You know, it's interesting.

[I]

Thank you, guys.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

Good job. You never hear of anybody, like, awesome doing that. You never hear, like a celebrity, like, hey, this goes out to Angelina Jolie. Brad Pitt really wants you to know that he loves you.

[D]

You know, that would be awesome.

[C]

Like, it's never people that are, like making it. So it's sort of sad.

[B]

Yeah, it is.

[C]

You know, the shout outs and stuff like, oh, I just want to let you know that I love you. I know we're struggling right now financially, but he just wants to let you know via radio because it's free and it seems nice. He's going to play probably your second favorite song.

[B]

He's like, come on, baby, let's listen to coast for two more hours. Why do we have to listen to this shit? Don't worry about it, baby. I just really want to listen to it tonight. Something might happen.

[C]

Because I love you and I'll show you how much I love you by the end of the night. Your next comedian's name is Frank Castillo, everyone.

[B]

Call her Alaska Between Worlds. Hey, guys, how we doing? Good to see everyone. I had a tough day at work today, mostly because I don't take my job very seriously. It was weird because my manager pulled me off the bar and he was like, hey, I was watching you when you weren't noticing, and you do an amazing job. You're really nice. You connect to everyone. What he didn't know was that I was really high. The worst part about it was that everyone else knew. So he was like, all right, this is what we're gonna do. Everyone needs to be more like Frank. So we're gonna have you write a list of why you're so awesome, why you're a great employee. Step one was just relax. Step two was just fucking kick it. And he loved it. He was like, that's a great goals list. All right. That's as far as I got.

[C]

Well, there he is. I guess that's it.

[E]

Sorry.

[B]

I was like, mid in the back, gonna use a restroom. And then like, oh, yeah. When you get surprised that it's your turn, that can. Yeah, that can be frustrating. When you. You ran up here and, you know, the room's barely big enough to get into a run, so I kind of knew something was up. And then Brian also, like, that's the thing that's fun about changing the song every time is because you have to come up to some fucked up intro music sometimes, and you just have to deal with it. And that was a terrible choice, Brian. Yeah, that didn't. That didn't pump them up at all. That was. Was like the most mellow, weird thing that you played.

[D]

Stephanie says by the Velvet Underground.

[B]

Yeah, sure. Yeah. People love to come on to that. Hey, everybody. So. So I commend you for just being enthusiastic and getting through your thing. And I always. This is a personal thing for me. I always don't like it when somebody that is at your stature talks a lot about, like, having a day job and real work and stuff like that, because it just sort of like, you're up here to entertain everybody. You should just be a comic. But that's my personal thing. A lot of comics have great jokes about, you know, their. Their day jobs or whatever, so. But just for me, that just kind of takes me out of it. Just makes me like, oh, well, he's not really a comic. He's got a job, you know. You know, I mean, but that's just me. So if you can come up with a funny enough take on it, you know, and. And maybe even, like, set it in the past, like, make it the job you had before, before being a standup. So everybody relates to the fact that you had to work, but you didn't have to do it today because, like, we just paid to see you, man. And you just came from Staples where you had this list of rules about, you know, kicking it. You know what I mean? But. And also that, like, didn't pay off, really. But I like the idea of it. Like, everyone should be like you is kind of a fun premise, but, like, maybe you should figure out a way to make it like your boss has no idea that you're high all the time. And then. But all the attributes of being high make for a great employee. Yeah, yeah, right.

[C]

And I'd also be more clear on the back end of that, which by the way, the first thing, I agree with what Doug says about that. It just sort of feels a little bit icky, even though people do have good jokes about their day job. But you could just flip that to the past tense, because, I mean, it's still honest.

[B]

Yeah. Before I started doing comedy, I had this job where.

[C]

Then you're into it, where I used to work at. You know,

[B]

just be a comedian. Don't be a guy with a job.

[C]

And on the back end of it, I don't know where you're planning to put the punchline that it's missing, but I don't. I think you lose everybody a little bit when you're talking about the list of the two things. And we don't know whether you're making the list or if they're making the list or if the other. It seems almost like the other employees were asked to make a list as to what makes you. It just got very confusing and.

[B]

Yeah. And it shouldn't just jump, right? To just. Just fuck off or chill. Chill out or whatever. Like, it. Like, it should be like all the things that somebody is Stone. Working at a job might be like, be polite, be friendly, be, you know, laugh at their jokes. You know, list all these things that, like. Well, a high person would do all of that without necessarily being a great employee. They just. That's what you're doing when you're high. Yeah. Yeah, I think. I think you could do it, Brian. Mm. Yeah. There you go.

[C]

I love it. There he goes, everybody. That's at Frank C. Comedy. Frank C. Comedy on Twitter. Later. Paulie's out. Paulie Shore and Sandy Dance.

[B]

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

[F]

Yes.

[B]

What?

[E]

I almost met you in 2007. You know the Addison Improv in Dallas?

[F]

Yeah.

[E]

You were going to get some food and I.

[C]

No, it's nobody we know. He's a fan of podcasts, but anyway,

[E]

I was playing videos in this place called Go Fish, and the manager told me that you came to the door, you wanted sushi. We served sushi, but we didn't have a sushi bar. And so you didn't come in. You said you went somewhere else, but my manager told me after it was over, and I said, what? You didn't come get me Because I had Polly Shores Dead on video. I could have played it while you were eating dinner and had a conversation with you. It sucked, dude. I was in a.

[B]

He insists on having his movie played every time he eats dinner anywhere. So you were on track with that?

[F]

Just a couple comments about what I witnessed you guys should really be. What's the word? Thankful that these guys are giving you guys tips. Because back in the day, like you didn't get this shit. Like I'm sitting here like, listen, you people up here. And I think it's, it's hard to do stand up, I get it. Like, but to do it in here and this. But then they give you correct, constructive, constructive criticism. And I think it's really cool that these guys are doing that. So the more people that can come here and do this, I think it'll help you guys a lot because you're all comics, right? Most you guys. No, you guys just came in.

[B]

Yeah, some people come to watch, but it's a lot of the audiences, the comments.

[F]

So it's cool that they're doing that for you guys.

[C]

Yeah. Polly Shore, everybody. Thanks for coming. And Sandy Danto at Sandy Danto and at. Is it Pauly Shore? Paulie, I'm sure.

[D]

I think it's Polly Shore.

[B]

I mean, not only are we doing this, but they took four minutes out of their day to watch three comedians, right? Yeah, exactly. It was nice.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

It took longer than four minutes, but you know what I mean. Well, I got things to do.

[C]

As the clock rolls, we're gonna roll into our final segment. This is.

[D]

Are we take off our clothes, Doug?

[B]

Wait a second, I thought it was just give constructive criticism.

[C]

No, it is. Our final segment is two young ladies who basically started here about 13, 12, 13 weeks ago and have been doing open mics and working the circuit. One of them dropped out of college to chase her dream of being a stand up. And so these two, these two girls each do a minute and so they're the only two regular. So we're just done with the bucket.

[B]

Fuck the bucket.

[C]

Fuck the bucket.

[B]

There's a lot of names in there.

[C]

What are you gonna do with it?

[B]

I don't know. Feel bad. I thought we were gonna go through everybody.

[C]

I wish we had that much time.

[B]

No, no, I understand you guys have your, your restrictions, but I dig it. But let's do, let's do what you do.

[C]

I love it. Awesome. Well, as always, I'm always excited about this. You know her from the very first kill Tony when she was the only female in the room. And when my guest said, is there no woman that wants to. To do this show? She ran up on stage and it began there. She's here tonight Aradresses on Twitter, but her name is Sarah Mosta. Joby, everyone.

[K]

I'm Sarah Joses on Twitter too. I was Talking to my mom about life this past week, and she said if I wanted answers, I needed to find God. I told her the only man made thing that ever answers me is Google. I get these, like, uncontrollable urges to be in love. I call them hard ons. I'm kind of hoping that it'll just beat itself off. But don't worry. But don't worry. It's pretty easy to get fucked. I have a PayPal account. That's all I have. That's all I have. That's all I have.

[B]

Did you give her too much buildup, Tony? Is that what happened?

[C]

I don't know.

[K]

No, I've had to write a new minute every.

[B]

No, you've written a new minute for all seven weeks.

[K]

Every week since I started doing comedy.

[B]

Well, that's good. That's, you know, that's.

[C]

We're raising little baby assassins lessons here.

[B]

What? I, you know, I'm. I'm not sure if any of those particular jokes worked. I don't.

[D]

I missed the joke on that last.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Why are you. Why are you getting.

[K]

I don't know what. I don't know what it is. I just. I get, like, nervous here because when I do this.

[C]

Okay, so my question's this.

[K]

I mean, well, it's like, it works.

[B]

This is different than an open mic.

[C]

My question's this. What are you trying to say in that joke where you talk about the PayPal?

[D]

Yeah, like, getting a boner. What are you talking about?

[K]

Okay. Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I just totally lost you guys. No, the. The heart one is like. I'm trying to make a comparison. Like, I know that guys, like, you guys have these, like. I don't know, you have, like, sexual, like, desires. You, like, can't help. Like, it's like, carnal, natural thing that you have. And we experience, like, a similar thing as girls, but it's, like, emotional and, like, so we do get, like, these uncontrollable urges to, like, cuddle and fucking snuggle on the couch, but it's, like, emotional. So I'm trying to make a joke about how that that compares. And I just trying to write. That's the premise. But that's the joke, though, is that girls get boners too, but they're heart boners.

[C]

Emotional boners. Boners of emotion.

[K]

Yeah, exactly. Like, that's the premise. So I'm working on that. That's why I come to you guys.

[C]

What's the PayPal thing mean?

[K]

I don't. I honestly, like, I. I Just, it's.

[B]

Seriously, don't you about say, I don't know. I just said it.

[D]

Don't know.

[B]

My back. I said it.

[K]

I don't know. I. I mean, I thought Everybody knew that PayPal just bends you over and fucks you. Like, it's bad. PayPal is the worst thing on the planet.

[B]

Maybe Ticketmaster.

[K]

Yeah.

[B]

Would be better, but that probably wouldn't make sense either.

[K]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I don't know. I don't know what to say about any of that.

[K]

That doesn't work.

[B]

Yeah, okay, but you, you know, you see, you're. You know, you can. You can get up and speak in front of everybody and commit to these ideas. So. And based on knowing that she's done it every week for several weeks, this might just be the off week or whatever, right?

[C]

Oh, totally.

[B]

Sure.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Usually better.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

So that's not a bad thing. Yeah.

[C]

I mean, it would be more. I just don't understand, like. I don't know. I would definitely. I don't know if I would keep thinking that. The emotional boner thing.

[K]

I write these jokes on Twitter and they do really well, and then I try to do them live, and I guess that's maybe my mistake.

[D]

Is this the Iron Patriot and you just going back and forth on Twitter all day?

[B]

No, but if. But if it works. Sorry. Sorry. Patriot. Go ahead.

[E]

When she goes into that territory where she says it's easy for her to get sex because, you know, there's so many loser guys and she's cute. Well, no, I mean, but I think that's a good territory. There's a lot of jokes there. Because it's different.

[B]

I'm cute and guys are losers. I disagree, buddy.

[K]

I don't want to be that girl.

[E]

You know what I'm saying, though? It's easier for a girl like her to have sex anytime she wants.

[B]

Do you have an off switch? Yeah, it is easier for her to have sex. That is. That is the truth. But, yeah, she's trying to get at the, you know, the cuddling part, you know, which you can't do with a superhero. Can't even sit down.

[K]

I mean, I come here because, like, in the beginning, you guys, like, really helped me tag, like, my jokes.

[C]

And now.

[B]

Yeah, but that's. That's maybe the problem here is it's hard to tag where we don't even. We don't even think there's a joke there. So, like. But. But I. But I think that the emotional boners, that there is something to that. Yeah, it's Just it's, you know, it's just hard to. When you do men and women stuff, it's so hard to find a fresh take on it.

[C]

Right, so.

[B]

So make it as personal as possible and maybe even write a couple extra lines about, you know, like after the PayPal joke, you should. You maybe you should have said because PayPal fucks you, right? You know, like, you should have maybe just spelled it out more.

[D]

PayPal.

[K]

I don't know. I did something similar to being like, yeah, right, Like a couple weeks ago and I was told that's fucking dumb.

[B]

Well, I agree that, you know, you can't just say, yeah, right about everything because if they don't agree with you, they don't agree with you. But in the case of PayPal fucking you, that you may have more of a leg stand on, but they may just not have figured out that that was your point. You know, I mean, sometimes you have to. Unfortunately, you have to explain things a little bit more, and other times you have to try to get rid of that. Which brings me back to Twitter. If jokes are killing on Twitter, say them exactly as written. Because nothing you said today was 140 characters. Everything was. Had more stuff to it. So maybe you just need to just stand there and just like the Google, say the line, say that, say the joke from Twitter as written on Twitter. And it might work better that way too.

[K]

The Google thing like that I wrote on Twitter. I said, google is the only God that actually answers my questions. And I get a bunch of Google's

[D]

the only God or guy God.

[B]

God, yeah, yeah. For some reason that doesn't. It just doesn't land. But, you know, that would be. Some things are cuter or funnier as a tweet than they are in front of an audience, but, you know, it's

[C]

a very, like, hip atheist tweet. A lot of people with like, gothy, gothy lifestyles are like, yeah, retweet.

[K]

No,

[C]

like totally. Like, Google's definitely like the only God. Like, fuck.

[B]

Well, maybe Google. Yeah, Google is a God that will answer your questions or some, you know, there's some way to tweak it maybe because it's not.

[C]

There she goes.

[B]

Not a terrible observation.

[C]

She's at Sarah Dresses on Twitter. Sarah Mostajabi. And as always, our other lovely lady, put your hands together for the one and only Kimberly Congdon.

[B]

Trying to get there. Rich.

[K]

I've been work, work, work, work, working on my. I don't think it's fair that as a woman comic, I have to cover up more than men do because, you know, I have to be taken seriously and stuff. People are like, oh, I thought you always dressed like that. No, I don't want to look like I eat snatch. I mean, it's nothing against lesbians. I'm not a lesbian. My mom just taught me to think outside the box. I don't judge. I don't judge. I have slutty friends. I have lesbian friends. My friend Kate, she's super slutty, but she doesn't do anal. She's cliterally the skankiest girl I know. Thank you. And also, I don't mean to toot my own horn, but everybody masturbates.

[I]

Thanks,

[C]

that's adorable.

[B]

The toot my own horn would be funnier if a guy said it. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I like to toot my own horn.

[D]

I like to think that she has an extended labia.

[B]

Oh, Brian, don't talk about, don't talk about her labia.

[C]

You're misbehaving over there

[B]

clitorally.

[C]

I like.

[B]

I just think that maybe because of the one minute format, you had to kind of race to it and spit it out, so to speak.

[C]

But first one again, what was the first?

[K]

That. Think outside the box.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. That got that guy a little chuckle. I mean, maybe, maybe that expression is thrown around a little too much these days. That's for be a twist.

[C]

And what's the main thing that it's that it.

[K]

It's not that I just. I dress more modestly as a. I look like. I feel like I dress up.

[B]

Yeah. At first you kind of compared it to like, you know, you have to cover up more than guys do. But you know, guys are completely covered up. Like we're not standing around with our balls out or whatever. So like, I don't know. I just don't know if that's even an issue worth addressing. Like how, how you're forced to dress.

[K]

Yeah.

[B]

Because I personally think for me, a girl comic, lady comic should just be a comic and not be so much about. Because I'm a lady this. But then that's also a rule that's meant to be broken. Because there's times when, you know, people say hilarious things about. Specifically about being a woman. But I'd say make it, you know, as much about being you as possible as opposed to being. Because it's hard enough for women comics that, you know, I think that people tune out when it's like when you're talking about being a female comic. Because they're strangely sick of it and yet also haven't embraced it. Like, at the same time, like, the challenge is. It's a much bigger challenge for you to do stand up. And so anytime you talk about your appearance, it has to be, like, the most hilarious joke.

[C]

Right.

[B]

Otherwise, it just puts everybody in their head about, oh, there's a girl on stage telling jokes. She's attractive. I can't listen to this. I can't. I can't, you know, relate to it.

[C]

Yeah, so many of. I've noticed so many of the most successful ones really dress down when doing.

[B]

Yeah. Which is what she's trying to make the joke about. So it's like a. It's an interesting observation. So I'm not saying kill it, but I'm just saying that, like, it's hard to do because it's drawing attention to the fact that, you know, that you're a woman.

[K]

Got it.

[C]

There she goes, everybody. Kimberly Congdon. That's at kimberlycongdon on Twitter with a C o n G D o n ending. Fuck yeah. Doug, thank you so much for doing this.

[B]

Oh, dude, that was so much fun. I hope that, you know, I hope it was constructive.

[C]

Oh, totally. Totally. Instant classic episode, in my opinion. Anything you have going on that you want to promote? Yeah.

[B]

Greatest Movie Ever rolled is on VOD and iTunes and, you know, Doug Lo's movies. You can go for all my tour dates and stuff. And I got, you know, I got a ton of. Ton of things going on. That's so cool.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Just. Just come into my world, you know, Just. Just be a part of me. I thought I heard in the. In the. I thought I heard. Is there superhero trying to get my attention?

[C]

I think so, buddy.

[E]

Mr. Benson, I have.

[B]

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

[E]

I have a new nickname for you.

[B]

Oh, God.

[E]

The Messiah of Marijuana.

[B]

Oh, that's not bad. I thought it would be worse, but

[C]

it's not that good at all, though, either. It's not that bad, but it's also not got alliteration.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, It. It's probably a little long for a nickname, but I'll take it. I mean, I appreciate it.

[C]

That's awesome.

[E]

We'll talk later.

[C]

Follow.

[B]

No, we will not

[C]

follow the Iron Patriot on Twitter. He's at Comedy Patriot. He had a thousand followers. Just hit a thousand followers. I just hit 10,000 followers for the first time. My first 10,000.

[B]

Death Squad is powerful.

[C]

Yeah. And Brian and I have an amazing set of shows coming up.

[D]

Stand up live in Phoenix, September 26th. Go to stamplive.com in Columbus, Ohio. We're going to be there with Tom Segur and Christina Pajicki and maybe a surprise, who knows?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. I'm thinking about crashing that one. Yeah, it's gonna be a lot of fun. That could be fun.

[D]

Let's go to Death Squad TV for all the Ticket.

[C]

It's Friday, September 27th. If you're in Winnipeg, by any chance, I'm going to be there the on the 12th and 13th of September and come to Kill Tony taping anytime on a Monday here at the Comedy Store. Up next, the Ding Dong show, the longest running show in Comedy Store history with the man, the myth, the legend, Don Barris of the helm. Thank you, everybody.

[D]

Good night,

[B]

Sam.