KILL TONY #14

Summary

Kill Tony #14 – Episode Summary

Date: September 27, 2013
Location: The Comedy Store, Los Angeles, CA
Hosts: Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban
Special Guest: Freddie Lockhart
Iron Patriot (Head of Security): Thomas “The Iron Patriot” Crabtree

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Overview

This episode of Kill Tony continues the signature live stand-up and podcast format: aspiring comedians draw their names from a bucket for the chance to perform a tight 60-second set before established comics and industry figures. Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban lead the panel, joined by weekly guest Freddie Lockhart and regulars like the in-suit Iron Patriot. The show features immediate feedback, joke punch-ups, candid audience interactions, and off-beat banter between segments.

Main Themes:

• The grind and vulnerability of amateur comedy
• Candid and often raunchy discussion of sex, race, and comedy culture
• Nostalgia for stand-up and club scenes
• Playful roasting and frank industry advice

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Technical Glitches and New Sound Cues (02:16 – 03:23)

• Redban’s iPad, normally used for show sound effects, dies; he improvises with a new app.
• Dolphin sounds replace cat “light” cue; “gang of cows” now signal going over time.
• [03:06] Tony Hinchcliffe: “That is a lot of cows, man. Wow. So you don’t want to run the light here...”

2. The Iron Patriot’s Backstory and “Dirty Crabber” Persona (04:02 – 08:51)

• The Iron Patriot reveals his band history (“Dirty Crabber”) and the notorious “Share my Banana” video, sparking jokes about accidental racism and past band names.
• Extensive, awkward banter about pubic hair trends and STDs, with Redban and Iron Patriot sharing too much about personal grooming.
• [05:46] Iron Patriot: “If you ever want to call me that, just call me that.”
• Iron Patriot details the impracticality of his $5,000 suit and the logistics of taking the bus in it.

3. “Soul Sister Number Nine” – Performance & Offbeat Race Commentary (09:14 – 13:34)

• Iron Patriot performs “Soul Sister Number Nine,” a comedic song about his (unrequited) attraction to black women.
• The panel pokes fun at his odd lyric choices (“female brother” for “sister”) and discusses race, fetishism, and confusion between ‘sister’ and ‘nun’.
• [12:51] Tony Hinchcliffe: “Why do you call them female brothers?”
• [13:34] Clee Wiggins: “The dandelion reference is like an afro thing or something. It’s very subtly racist. But from ignorance..."

4. Introducing Freddie Lockhart – Guest Panelist (15:17 – 20:13)

• Freddie is introduced with fanfare and a plug for his Comedy Store fantasy football championship.
• The comedians riff on the overlap of fantasy sports, real-life criminal athletes, and open mics.
• Iron Patriot quizzes Freddie about his mixed-race background and Zoe Saldana playing Nina Simone, leading to frank but light-hearted talk of identity and race in Hollywood.
• [17:23] Freddie Lockhart: “I actually prefer... as Hollywood refers to it, black, but I don’t care. It’s like, whatever.”
• [19:01] Freddie Lockhart: Explains origins of “light-skinned” and African-American vernacular English.

5. Stand-Up Comedian Segments & Panel Feedback

Clee Wiggins (25:43 – 31:34)

• Jokes about interracial relationships, the myth of “Neapolitan ice cream,” and debunking sexual stereotypes.
• Candid discussion about “power cuddling” and intimacy after sex.
• Panel advises pushing the ice cream flavor metaphor further for more tags.
• [29:59] Tony Hinchcliffe: “I love Neapolitan ice cream. I love that reference there.”

Ori Amir (32:43 – 37:44)

• Israeli comic/phD student delivers sharp one-liners about Americanism, English vocab, and NRA culture.
• Reveals he studies comedy’s effect on the brain via fMRI. Describes traveling, loving Colombia, and comedy as joyful dabbling.
• Panel commends his wit and advises performing more frequently.
• [35:07] Ori Amir: “Actually... look at what happens when you enjoy comedy. You can actually see the parts [of the brain].”

Lil Bro (38:13 – 42:11)

• Takes risks tackling racial stereotypes and mail-order bride jokes.
• Feedback centers on expanding his premise and clarifying logic for greater payoff; riffing continues about his look and “casual” holiday outfit.

Dustin Emery (43:44 – 47:57)

• Shares absurd joke about dreaming of self-oral sex and the existential fallout.
• Panel highlights the comedic potential of the premise, but notes that he seems too rehearsed; Freddie Lockhart boisterously admits to similar dreams.
• Urged to adopt a more natural delivery and get a Twitter account.
• [45:07] Dustin Emery: “I’ve had dreams where I’m sucking two of my dicks.”
• [46:29] Freddie Lockhart: “One dick minimum there. One dick maximum.”

Cody Morley (55:51 – 60:30)

• “Hard-to-find porn” adventure joke—nostalgic and playful, with a punchline about VHS scavenger hunts.
• Panel suggests using more universal language (“treasure chest” vs “sea chest”) for mass appeal.
• Leads to a round of personal stories about secret porn stashes, juvenile masturbation, and awkward family moments.
• [57:03] Tony Hinchcliffe: “What’s a sea chest?”
• [60:17] Cody Morley: “What happens if you finish but you’re looking at the wrong tv, right?”

Frank Castillo (64:06 – 67:42)

• Quick set about early balding and his mom gifting him a yarmulke.
• Panel critiques the abrupt setup and encourages developing his cooking/relationship bit.
• Playful riffs on “hot plate vs. hot girl.”

Luke Schwartz (67:56 – 73:19)

• Bit about carrying a condom as a hopeful single guy, which veers into the dark territory of interrupting a rape.
• Panel notes confusion in the setup and urges clearer personal perspective and more self-deprecating physical descriptions.
• [71:10] Tony Hinchcliffe: “It doesn’t matter what’s in your pocket because they don’t see the condom in the pocket…”

Mike Glazer (73:42 – 78:48)

• Jokes about being a kid magician, moving into an existential riff on how hypnotists must “practice.”
• Receives suggestions for fleshing out the magician origin story and for more physical magic bits.

6. Regulars: Sarah Mostajabi & Kimberly Congdon (79:10 – 84:55)

Sarah Mostajabi

• Relatable joke about the futility of women picking the perfect panties for dates.
• Panel gets distracted by her revealing pants, riffing on stage presence and the challenge of being “too sexy” in comedy.
• [81:12] Freddie Lockhart: “It’s not offensive, though. I don’t... I’m not offended.”

Kimberly Congdon

• Series of jokes framed as a call from her mom, weaving in headlines (CBS blackout, Syria pun, and Jewish punchline).
• Advised to foreground her Puerto Rican identity for context and surprise factor.

7. Comedy Store Open Mic Controversy (48:18 – 51:49)

• Panel laments the elimination of the historic Sunday open mic, noting its foundational importance.
• Nostalgic stories about seeing stars like Chris Rock and Andrew Dice Clay “pop in” on Sundays.
• [48:44] Tony Hinchcliffe: “It’s only a tradition of 40-plus years, you know, in which pretty much all of our favorites… started.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• [12:51] Tony Hinchcliffe: “Why do you call them female brothers?”
• [17:23] Freddie Lockhart: “I actually prefer... as Hollywood refers to it, black, but I don’t care. It’s like, whatever.”
• [46:29] Freddie Lockhart: “One dick minimum there. One dick maximum.”
• [71:10] Tony Hinchcliffe: “It doesn’t matter what’s in your pocket because they don’t see the condom in the pocket…”
• [81:12] Freddie Lockhart: “It’s not offensive, though. I don’t... I’m not offended.”

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [02:16] – Sound effect troubles and new cue bits
• [04:02] – Iron Patriot’s band history, “crabs”, and inadvertent racism
• [09:14] – “Soul Sister Number Nine” performance and race jokes
• [15:17] – Freddie Lockhart’s intro and panel banter
• [25:43] – Clee Wiggins’ set/discussion
• [32:43] – Ori Amir’s set/phD talk
• [38:13] – Lil Bro’s set/riff
• [43:44] – Dustin Emery’s set/awkward dreams
• [55:51] – Cody Morley’s porn nostalgia set
• [64:06] – Frank Castillo’s balding/cooking bits
• [67:56] – Luke Schwartz’s condom/serial killer bit
• [73:42] – Mike Glazer’s magic/hypnotism bit
• [79:10] – Sarah Mostajabi’s “panty panic” and panel dressing advice
• [83:08] – Kimberly Congdon’s “immature daughter/news” bit
• [48:18] – Comedy Store open mic “breaking news” and nostalgia

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Additional Highlights

• Panel offers blunt, actionable advice to each comic, often suggesting new angles or punchlines.
• Freddie Lockhart lauded for his impressions and quick banter.
• Several comics, especially the host and guest, share quick, personal, often sexual stand-up stories between contestants.
• Multiple moments of “accidental” or “subtle” racism from Iron Patriot are addressed directly and with humor, often by guest comedians of color.
• Iron Patriot’s online fame (“Dirty Crabber”) and fan outreach are discussed amusingly.

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Takeaways

• Kill Tony #14 is a classic “bucket” episode—raucous, unvarnished, and deeply inside the LA stand-up grind. The chemistry between Tony, Redban, Iron Patriot, and Freddie Lockhart drives a witty, sometimes edgy, always in-the-moment environment.
• The audience sees open-mic challenges up close: raw material, honest feedback, and the vulnerability demanded by both stand-up and the podcast’s no-frills format.
• Behind-the-scenes comedy club issues (open mic closures, performance attire) are woven in with the night’s parade of neuroses, identities, and punchlines.

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For full jokes, bits, and behind-the-scenes personality, listen from these start points:

• [25:43] – Start of the comedian sets
• [32:43] – Ori Amir’s standout segment
• [43:44] – The panel’s handling of awkward dreams
• [48:18] – Discussion of Comedy Store’s legacy
• [79:10] – Regular performances and panel’s closing thoughts

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The show’s tone: Irreverent, self-deprecating, candid, and playful—equal parts roast, therapy session, and high-stakes writers’ room.

Transcript

[Redban]

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Deathsquad tv. Don't forget the kitty cat T shirt. It's limited edition and it's on sale right now. Go to the Death Squad official store at Shopsquad tv. Me and Tony Hinchcliffe are coming to Phoenix, Arizona, next Thursday, September 26th. We're going to stand up live. We need you guys to come to this show. Bring your girlfriend, bring your friends, bring everybody, because we're trying to impress this club so that we could start coming here on the regular, bringing more Death Squad comics. So this is our first time in Phoenix, Arizona at this club as Death Squad, and we need your support. So go to standuplive.com or Deathsquad TV to get your tickets for Thursday, September 26th, with me and Tony Hinchcliffe. The following day, me and Tony are flying out to Ohio, Columbus, Ohio, and we're going to be joined by Tom Segura and Christina Pazicki for a Death Squad super show. So tickets are also available online@Deathsquad TV. And then, last but not least, La Pod Fest in October. If you don't know what La Podfest is, it's pretty much Comic Con for podcasting. There's going to be live panel events, there's going to be a party, there's going to be live podcast tapings doing Kevin Pereira's Pointless. And Death Squad is going to do a show there. So get your tickets. It's going to be a lot of fun. Lapodfest.com. and now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Oh, God. Hey, this is Redband coming to you

[Iron Patriot]

live from the Comedy Store for a

[Redban]

brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Kill Tony,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

AKA Tony. Give it up for Kill Tony. Hi, everyone. Hi, everybody. It's good to be here. Another. Another fun weekend. And here we are. Hi, everybody out there. Congratulations for being part of this fun audience. Okey dokey. Always an interesting beginning.

[Redban]

Yeah, we mixed it up a little. My iPad's dead. It fucking sucks it's dead. Yeah, I don't think. I don't think it's going to be alive anymore.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Redban]

Whatever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's terrible.

[Redban]

I know. Excuse to get a new one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, well, so that. That ends the sound effects portion, right?

[Redban]

No, no, I downloaded an alternative sound effect program.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, so it's going to be mixed

[Redban]

up probably a little.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that's exciting.

[Redban]

Just for this episode, instead of the normal kitty cat sound, when a comic does one minute, we are Going to have a dolphin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, I like that. But what's gonna replace the angry bear that comes in if they do longer than 60 seconds?

[Redban]

A gang of cows.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is a lot of cows, man. Wow. So you don't want to run the light here. You comedians out there that are doing your 60 seconds, because you don't want to anger that group of cows or the dolphin. Well, the dolphin.

[Redban]

That's a light. That's a nice little.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, the dolphin's sort of peppy, but those cows are aggressive.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Speaking of animals, as always, ladies and gentlemen, our head of security, the Iron Patriot, is here.

[Iron Patriot]

I am these new Avengers into battle against anyone who would threaten our way of life. I am the Iron Patriot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck, yeah. Still got it, Patriot. Still got. Still got it.

[Redban]

You know, I was listening to the last episode the other day, and listening to it is so much different than watching it, because it really sounds like we're hanging out with Kit from Knight Rider.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, interesting.

[Iron Patriot]

Yeah, I noticed that. I noticed when I listened last night just to itunes, because I'd been watching the video. And I want to say something to you, Red Band. First, I want to congratulate you for winning funniest Instagrammer of the Year at the LA Weekly Awards.

[Redban]

Oh, thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is awesome.

[Redban]

I'm not funny on Instagram, so I don't know what that means.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's so cool.

[Redban]

I don't post any funny photos. It's mostly foods and shih Tzus.

[Iron Patriot]

I like the one you posted yesterday. You did a screenshot of my mailman video, and in the background was a Jungle Fever poster, because my video was made in 1991, the same year that that movie came out. And what's interesting is Wesley Snipes just got released from prison a few months ago. He was serving three years for tax evasion. He starred in Jungle Fever, and now he's already got his life back on track, and he's in the movie Expendables 3. He's already got it going. So with my banana song coming back, this might be the return of Jungle Fever this year.

[Redban]

Wow.

[Iron Patriot]

Me and Wesley.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think that's a pretty bold statement. First of all, I don't think you're gonna bring back the movie franchise Jungle Fever, the Wesley Snipes classic, because of the music video. But I did watch that music video that you were in, if you don't know. The Iron Patriot is a human being, and he wears a $5,000 custom made iron Patriot suit that came pretty dented up. He rides the Bus here. He's here every Monday and he rides the bus because in that five thousand dollar suit, he can't sit down, so he has to stand at all times. So he takes the bus here from down the street. And he was once in a band in Texas called the Dirty Crabber.

[Iron Patriot]

And it was just called. I was Dirty Crabber. That's my other name.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Iron Patriot]

So if you ever want to call me that, just call me that.

[Redban]

Did you ever have crabs? Is it based off that?

[Iron Patriot]

No, because my last name is Crabtree and my brother, his name was Crabtree, so it was kind of a, you know, a play on that. But, yeah, I did have crabs one time, but it wasn't. I think everybody's dealt with that. But now the girls are shaving their. The girls are shaving their pouches, so I don't think there's any more crabs.

[Redban]

Yeah, they're actually becoming extinct lately. That's true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Iron Patriot]

I wish I would have lived in this age.

[Redban]

Yeah, but now you have to worry about, like, crotch eels or something.

[Iron Patriot]

Yeah.

[Redban]

With those vaginas.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yeah.

[Redban]

Yeah. What would come off a shaved vagina? What kind of gross thing can. What if worms just start, like, girls start getting worn?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the fuck are you talking about?

[Ori Amir]

I just.

[Redban]

What would replace crabs?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't think. I don't think they need to be replaced. I think that's something we can do without. Yeah.

[Iron Patriot]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Patriot, do you still. Even though you got the crabs, do you still have, like a full bush underneath all that?

[Iron Patriot]

Well, you know, I keep it trimmed. I don't let it go out of control. But, no, it's not. I mean, you know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you say trimmed, like, what kind of. What are you doing down there?

[Iron Patriot]

Just using the scissors to trim it up so it doesn't get out of control, you know?

[Redban]

Do you ever mess with the ball hair?

[Iron Patriot]

But I'm not like Tommy Lee. You know, Motley Crue, he talks about. He puts some special shit on his balls to just make it so it's just completely nothing.

[Redban]

Yeah, it's nair. It's a bad idea. Don't ever do it. I tried it once, and if my fucking asshole. Everything was on fire.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My balls.

[Redban]

Like the veins. And it got really hard. You know, sometimes when you're like, wow, it's so hard right now. What happened? It was like that for like a week. It sucked.

[Iron Patriot]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about that one?

[Iron Patriot]

I kind of. I kind of miss it when the girls had some hair down there. I kind of like it like that now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you were now one of the. What I was getting at with this band, the Dirty Crabber, and I watched your music video for the first time over this past weekend, and I was laughing so hard because you have this song called Share My Banana that you performed a few episodes ago. A few weeks ago here, while holding a banana, you sang a song that was. It was racist.

[Iron Patriot]

Well, I also called the monkey Jacob, so it was. The white name was a monkey, too. So it's. You know, it's like they were both monkeys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can I ask you a question? I noticed. I've noticed over the past few weeks that you have a little twitch in your left arm. That happens.

[Iron Patriot]

Yeah, I do.

[Redban]

Was that from when you got tackled by the football player on.

[Iron Patriot]

That was in my old costume about, you know, four years ago. That was my. I still got that old costume. It's like it barely. It's all duct taped together. It's in bad shape.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So that twitch that you do with your left arm, is that. Is that because of the suit that you're wearing or is that.

[Iron Patriot]

Well, I don't know. I should just concentrate on sticking, you know, staying still. I'm kind of just. Sometimes I just kind of like to move it around to kind of keep my. My shoulders and back kind of the muscles moving around so it doesn't, you know, get stiff, you know, but, you know, I should do a better job at concentrating to just stay still.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck, yeah.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think we're making podcast history so far this episode.

[Iron Patriot]

Yes. Is it fun to be here on Labor Day with you, Tony?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. It is Labor Day. What do you. What do you normally do on a Labor Day if you didn't. If you didn't have this right now?

[Iron Patriot]

I might be out water skiing right now or something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what you do.

[Redban]

No, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's so disappointed when he said that.

[Redban]

Do you practice singing a lot in front of mirrors?

[Iron Patriot]

Yeah, I try to. If I know I'm doing a song on this show, I'll try to rehearse and get ready and.

[Redban]

So if I play a song right now, you'll be able to perform it?

[Iron Patriot]

Yeah. If you're ready, do it if you're ready.

[Redban]

All right, let's try this. What's the name of the song?

[Iron Patriot]

Soul Sister Number nine.

[Redban]

Soul Sister Number nine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you serious? Is this happening right now?

[Iron Patriot]

No, that's not the song. It's the other song.

[Redban]

Well, yeah, I think I have it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, you.

[Iron Patriot]

You can do that. If that's the only one you have, you can do It.

[Redban]

No, I could do both. It just. You would.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, wait.

[Iron Patriot]

That was my other song called Send Me. That's another song?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He sent you another song?

[Iron Patriot]

Well, I changed my mind. I sent that song, and then I changed my mind and switch it to another song.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Look at you.

[Redban]

How long did it take for you to decide that you. You wanted to do a different song? Like, was it hours? You were sitting there thinking about it

[Iron Patriot]

just kind of came to me because we've kind of been on this Jungle Fever theme for so long. I just kind of thought, man, let's just keep it going. Because, you know, soul sister number nine, I mean, I've never made love, actually, to a black woman. I flirted with them, but, you know, one. Feel me. One female brother that does turn me on is Beyonce. I love her.

[Redban]

You know, Female sister. Oh, wait.

[Iron Patriot]

She needs to drop that zero and get with the hero.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Redban]

All right, well, let's hear it.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Hey, I got something to say.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The soul sister.

[Redban]

What do you believe?

[Iron Patriot]

The soul sister. Soul sister number nine I like to see you in the summertime Sir Sister, don't be late there's something wrong if you hesitate Nothing's gonna change my mind I'm in love with a dandelion Nothing's gonna change my way I'm in love with soul sister number nine I know you're talk. Soul sister number nine I like to see you in the evening time Soul sister number nine Just take your love for a rainy day Nothing's gonna change my mind I'm in love with a dandelion Nothing's gonna change my way I'm in love with soul sister number nine yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God, I don't think it was ever gonna end. Thank you.

[Dustin Emery]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy shit.

[Redban]

That was awesome.

[Iron Patriot]

Wow. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're breathing heavy under there, huh?

[Iron Patriot]

Yeah.

[Redban]

Yeah. I'm surprised you used the word. You're like a dandelion, though. I was expecting something a little bit more racist.

[Iron Patriot]

Yeah, I don't know. That's just kind of the way the lyrics came out of me. I just. When I write my music, I just let it flow out of me. I don't really.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the deal with all of your songs being about hooking up with a black woman that you never actually hooked up with?

[Iron Patriot]

Well, and like I said, I just write about what I feel, and that kind of came out that way, so I also like that. I like that female brother, Zoe Saldana, the Avatar.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why do you call them female brothers?

[Redban]

That's so backwards, it's confusing.

[Iron Patriot]

Well, if you just say sister, they might think you're talking about a nun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, nobody's gonna think you're talking about a nun. It all depends on who you follow it up with and take off the

[Redban]

ER and make it an A and you're fine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nobody's gonna think you're talking about a nun when you say Beyonce.

[Iron Patriot]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you think that you write these songs because you and perhaps a black woman out there have some unfinished business? Like, is it something you still fantasize about hooking up?

[Iron Patriot]

Halle Berry, too? I like her feet. Did you see her in Flintstones? How cute her feet look on the Flintstones. Didn't you see Halle Berry in the Flintstones?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're talking about the Flintstones, the movie?

[Iron Patriot]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. Nobody was looking at her feet during that.

[Iron Patriot]

You were. You know you were.

[Luke Schwartz]

You're lying.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Yeah, you got me. Okay. Another hand for the Iron Patriot.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Give it up.

[Iron Patriot]

Thank you, guys. Thank you for listening. I appreciate it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is the show where comedians do 60 seconds and always a guest. And I and my cohorts here, Red Band and Patriot, we all talk with the comedian for a bit, see what's going on, see if we can punch up their jokes. They can take it or leave it if they want. All for free. Always just giving away gold here on Kill. Tony and I always have one of my funniest friends come on and be a guest each week. I'm really excited about this week's guest. He is somebody who I've always looked up to since I started here many years ago, and I'm excited to have him. He's such an amazing guest that, in fact, he has his own person who gives his introduction. So I'm just gonna bring up that guy right now. Put your hands together for his introducer, Ryan Mervis, everybody. This is not the guest. This is the guy who introduces the guest.

[Ori Amir]

Are you guys ready?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you ready?

[Ori Amir]

Give it up for the reigning Belly Room League champion, the manager of the dead kid, Timmy. The lovely bearded Freddy

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Lacho.

[Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Everybod Freddy Lockart is in the house. How exciting. Give it up for Ryan Mervis. One more time, everyone. His introducer. Yeah. The chance for those of you, and by those of you, I mean everybody out there who are wondering what that we're talking about with this championship. He is defending Comedy Store fantasy football champion, everybody.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Decisions made. All the right decisions. That's what I did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This guy knows how to make moves. This time, time of the year one

[Freddie Lockhart]

by point three with the help of one Aaron Hernandez. Thank you.

[Lil Bro]

Wow.

[Freddie Lockhart]

His job for me and then got sent to the pokey. I made that happen. I made that happen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All the best fantasy players are in prison.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yeah. That's why you got to get them before they go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I got OJ in round two this year.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Did you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Freddie Lockhart]

There you go.

[Redban]

Really Dorks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus.

[Freddie Lockhart]

How dare you? This makes us closer to the players, and they appreciate it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This new setup, I just realized that now you're, like, behind me, I'm just gonna be, like, shocked all the time. We slanted the table differently. For those you die hard fans that are following that closely.

[Redban]

It's. It's so that when. When you guys are on stage, the guest isn't just looking at their butt the whole time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Redban]

Like, looking to their.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We have a better angle at that. Now the camera has changed. I'm sure that people watching on our good friends over at Vimeo.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm sure that they noticed a slight change. So anyway, Freddy, this is great.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Tony, this is a real professional thing you got going here. That's fucking amazing right there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I'm about it.

[Freddie Lockhart]

He sings, he dances, the whole thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's fucking unbelievable.

[Iron Patriot]

Can I ask you something, Freddie?

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yeah, please.

[Iron Patriot]

I did a little research on you today. First, I listened to your what's Good podcast.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Oh, okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Great.

[Iron Patriot]

Listen to that. I read about you, and I wanted to ask you this.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Okay.

[Iron Patriot]

A few months ago, I was an extra on a film about Nina Simone, the jazz singer and civil rights activist.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Sure.

[Iron Patriot]

And Zoe Saldona. Saldana is playing her in the movie, and she's got a lot of criticism because they say she's too light skinned. And I notice you're a mulatto, too. How do you feel about that subject?

[Freddie Lockhart]

It's the comedy story. The shit goes. I actually prefer it. I refer to it as right skinned, first of all, or as Hollywood refers to as black, but I don't care. It's like, whatever.

[Iron Patriot]

Yeah. I don't. I think it's good she's done the movie.

[Freddie Lockhart]

What are you gonna do?

[Iron Patriot]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Freddie Lockhart]

What are you gonna do?

[Iron Patriot]

I mean, have you ever received criticism or discrimination from the.

[Freddie Lockhart]

None at all. My whole life. Zero discrimination in any FaceTime, anywhere at all. Not from either side. No.

[Iron Patriot]

I mean from the darker brothers.

[Freddie Lockhart]

No, no, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

From the. What? What'd you say?

[Freddie Lockhart]

I don't know. Something racist.

[Iron Patriot]

No, no, it wasn't racist.

[Freddie Lockhart]

I think he just said nigger. That's. Oh, that's what I was feeling.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The Patriots are known for his accidental racism.

[Freddie Lockhart]

That's okay. You know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, he's from Texas.

[Freddie Lockhart]

I was born there.

[Iron Patriot]

Yeah, you were born in San Antonio.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Jesus, dude, that's creepy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, he researches all the guests. He's the best head of security on any podcast.

[Freddie Lockhart]

That's pretty cool.

[Iron Patriot]

I like you. I've seen you on Ice House. I've seen you on Joe Rogan Experience. I've been following you for a while.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Oh, cool. You'd think I would have noticed fucking Iron man following you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, he loves you when his left arm twitches.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yeah, I like him. That's a very impressive. I mean, that's super fucking impressive.

[Iron Patriot]

Well, thank you. I appreciate it.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, now, Freddie, you. You said something that I brought up a couple times over the weeks on this podcast. I. I've always taken a moment to ask black comedians. I ask them on behalf of all black people. All the pressure is on you right now. Why do some black people call other lighter skin black people? Light skin? Did with two Ds.

[Freddie Lockhart]

It's just the vernacular, just how it goes. It's a regional dialect, if you really want to know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I do.

[Freddie Lockhart]

And it's. And it's usually in urban and southern areas. That's where it comes from. And it's actually. There was a documentary called do you talk English? And it turns out black people and white people from Boston and Philly speak English as it was supposed to have been spoken because we bastardized it from the British.

[Mike Glazer]

So.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Thanks.

[Redban]

Yeah, I don't believe that Light skinned it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That makes sense.

[Freddie Lockhart]

And that's why all black guys have names like Jackson and stuff like that. Like white British guys, because the British once owned us. You'll meet, like, a British guy. My name's Jerome Jackson. Hello. It's like, Jerome Jackson sounds like a rookie running back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I read a thing the other day that. The first. I mean, I had heard it before, but I read the whole thing about the first slave owner was a black guy. Did you know that?

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yeah. It could be true. I could have seen him starting that gangster shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

White people stole it because they would have.

[Freddie Lockhart]

That's some gangster shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Totally.

[Freddie Lockhart]

We always do it first. I steal from myself. I'm at my white side. Steals from my blacks. Are you kidding me? You guys always steal shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm reading this article and basically three quarters of the way through it, I'm like, this guy. Imagine his. I mean, if he started it, imagine all the white guys around him. Like, this fucking guy's crazy.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're gonna take over all these businesses. And he started it, you know? What?

[Freddie Lockhart]

I mean, yeah, it was some. It was some, like, Barksdale crew shit from the Wire. Like they were taking corners is what the fuck they were doing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Because I guess the original guy was an indentured servant, which is a whole thing that I did more research on.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Where were you at one night? Just on Wikipedia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I go off on these Wikipedia tangents, and that's exactly what I do.

[Freddie Lockhart]

I always do that, too. I do that on YouTub YouTube. But then I always end up some guy telling a cop off. I always want to see that. Some guy just shoving it to a cop, like, oh, yeah, well, here's the law. And one guy, like, one guy threw the law on his face. The cop was like, is it true? He's like, yeah. And he's like, am I being detained? He's like, no, I guess not.

[Redban]

And spit up.

[Freddie Lockhart]

I was like, you're my hero.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I saw that one, and I love those videos. It's my favorite one.

[Freddie Lockhart]

And you have to be white to do like that, too. I can't try that. I can't even look at me. They don't know. They won't know what I am, but they won't. They won't go for it, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's so awesome. Freddy is one of the best impressionists that I know in the world.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, you know, I'm excited to see if anybody pops up and, like, Tony Hinchcliffe, perhaps. Whoa, whoa. That's a pretty good.

[Freddie Lockhart]

That's a pretty good impression, you know, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, shit.

[Iron Patriot]

You know what? When Freddy has a cold, he can do a good Jesse Ventura.

[Redban]

Jesus.

[Freddie Lockhart]

This guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Jesse the Mind Ventura.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Used to be Jesse the Body Ventura. He sounds like every wrestler, though, y'.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Sunday, brother.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Everybody's at Sunday, Sunday, Brother.

[Redban]

It's like a strip club DJ sound almost. You have.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Or the guy announcing the monster Truck rally coming to town.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Brother, brother. Brother, brother. Sunday. Sunday, Sunday. All right, well, we know what goes on here. Comedians come up and they do 60 seconds, and we talk to them. Yeah, you're giving back.

[Freddie Lockhart]

I like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's true. A little comedy karma, you know, Things are good tonight. The Comedy Central roast of James Franco is airing, so.

[Freddie Lockhart]

And you're here.

[Redban]

Yeah, we can watch it here, working.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, we can't watch it here because the Comedy Store has the only kind of cable I've ever heard of that doesn't get Comedy Central.

[Freddie Lockhart]

And we ain't got cable. They got some rig.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They have, like, Fox Sports and shit. They have some weird.

[Freddie Lockhart]

They're stealing somebody's satellite signal or something. That's what it sounds like. Ill gotten cable is what it sounds.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The rabbit ears on top of this building right now.

[Redban]

Wait a second. If you really think about it, because when we tried to get Internet here, they're like, no, no, no, we can't do it. No, you can't get Internet here.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Like, whoa.

[Redban]

They don't. Don't get the cable company involved, see?

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yeah, yeah, we're staying off the grid. Everything's off the grid here at Zeros. Got a laugh in the back. Somebody appreciates Comedy Store history.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Somebody knows who's here. Somebody.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Why is there a sewing kit where it's known as natui. What is that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pair of scissors. This was. We needed string earlier. And the closest we could get, thanks to our friends down at Pink Dot, the world's strangest convenience store.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yeah, man, it's a great place to get murdered.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's so creepy there.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Or to get a sandwich.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nothing has a price tag on it. Everything's overpriced.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Everything's up for you.

[Redban]

Can.

[Freddie Lockhart]

You can haggle that. How much do you want to pay for the sandwich, bro?

[Redban]

Oh, you could.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's if you go during the day

[Freddie Lockhart]

when you like tuna melt. How much do you like tuna melt, bro? What, are you willing to go out the pocket for tuna melt?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

7, 8, 9, 10.

[Freddie Lockhart]

You know, what can you do for the meat? Maybe nug. You got nugget weed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, the bartering starts quick.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Bartering always works, especially in la. I've bartered so much shit with nugs of weed. Made people's day with nuggets.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, they never see it coming.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yeah, the plumber, he didn't see it coming.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you have half a joint on you, people go crazy.

[Freddie Lockhart]

I got the pool guy high. He's like, hey, man, oh man, I've been dying to get high all day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I guess it's like a thing must be hard for people to get pot or something.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Old school. People who don't realize it's like fucking water and you can get it anyway. You know when I can get a lid of weed? Huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do I get loads? I remember when a dime bag was a dime.

[Freddie Lockhart]

A dime bag, see?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, so let's get this party started. Patriot, are you ready?

[Iron Patriot]

I'm ready. Let's do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. If anybody doesn't. If anybody misses their spot, they get a permanent blacklist. And when I say blacklist, the Patriot always makes this noise. Yeah, he makes that noise with his mouth. People, that's not a button.

[Freddie Lockhart]

He pushes Police Academy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. It's like, what was that guy? Michael Winslow. He's like, Michael Winslow meets Steve Gutenberg in an Iron Patriots suit. You'd laugh at the Gutenberg thing if you. If you'd seen his music videos. You got to look those up, by the way. Look up Dirty Crabber if you get a chance when you're at home.

[Freddie Lockhart]

So you're drawing a comics name now, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's tons of names in the hat. You guys ready to get this thing started or what?

[Freddie Lockhart]

I can tell. You can tell. Those are all comics. They're hip looking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Some of them.

[Freddie Lockhart]

A lot of them are hip looking back there. Hip looking guys with beards.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Heck yeah. Oh, yeah, I see them. Those people are. Where are you guys from?

[Freddie Lockhart]

You think anybody's got.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

From the Valley.

[Freddie Lockhart]

I'm from the Valley. Yeah, the Valley. I like Brody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. 818 till I die. You got it. You listen to the podcast. Oh, well, thank you. Just some random stranger. Well, welcome, sir. You're in the right room. I picked a name and the comedian's name. Your first comedian tonight is Clee Wiggins.

[Clee Wiggins]

I just get started. Yeah. So since Mara was up here earlier and the Iron Patriot was up here being racist, I'll just go with this one. That actually, not too long ago, actually banged a ginger. Forced by circumstance. Because I wanted to, because I had to. But the thing is, the first night that we ever hooked up, his roommate walked in on us and his roommate just goes, you guys look like Neapolitan ice cream. I was just mad he got to be two of the three flavors. I was like, see, this is the man keeping a sister down again. How come you get to be two and I'm only. I'm only one? You know what? We're Neapolitan ice cream with caramel sauce. That's what we are now. We're equal. Separate, yet equal. But he grew up not knowing any black people, so he thought that not only would black men's come be brown, but that it would taste like chocolate, which I was like, I wish that your retarded childhood dream was true. There'd be so many more different kinds of guys in my background if Mexican cum tasted like dulce de leche.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Many more.

[Clee Wiggins]

Jesus. I'm in there. Fuck it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Hell yeah. Clee Wiggins. Talking about hooking up with a red headed. A red headed guy.

[Clee Wiggins]

Redheaded. What I am.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, that's interesting. Like, did. Was it like, oh, did you guys meet that night and it just magic happened? You Guys go on a date.

[Clee Wiggins]

Like he was a bartender at a bar I used to hang out at up in the Bay where I'm from.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you had known him for a while?

[Clee Wiggins]

Yeah, a couple months ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The first time you saw him, were you like. Were you like, oh, yeah, I'm gonna fucking.

[Clee Wiggins]

The first time I saw him, I actually did literally think he looked like a leprechaun because he was short.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Interesting. So he's like short.

[Clee Wiggins]

He sort of built like, like Scott Khan. Like, sort of like very compact with like bow legged. That was the only thing that kind of appealed to me is the bow legs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This guy just sounds terrible.

[Clee Wiggins]

He was awesome. Actually, he wasn't. He was too much of a cuddler. I think that was his biggest. That was my issue. He liked to cuddle a lot.

[Freddie Lockhart]

You're a comic. We don't cuddle.

[Clee Wiggins]

No, don't touch me.

[Freddie Lockhart]

It's weird.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Redban]

I love cuddling. I cut all day.

[Clee Wiggins]

I literally. I like rolled over in the morning. I was like, why are you still here?

[Redban]

I like to sleep with my dick inside of her.

[Clee Wiggins]

That's okay. As long as nothing else about you is touching me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's power cuddling right there.

[Redban]

It's totally locked and loaded.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Please take it. Wow. Just leave it in.

[Clee Wiggins]

That would be fine with me though. Just that if it was only the dick and nothing else was touching me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, there you go.

[Clee Wiggins]

I'd be okay with that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So just a fan of power cuddle or no cuddle at all? Yeah. That's interesting. I like cuddling. You don't like cuddling at all?

[Freddie Lockhart]

After I'm done sexing up. Get off me. Go.

[Clee Wiggins]

Yeah, we go to our separate corners. Like box.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yeah, exactly. I gotta go see my cut man now. Get the off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But then afterwards, do you go back? Sometimes I go back for a little

[Freddie Lockhart]

seconds, but most time I just watched HBO go on the iPad and go to sleep.

[Redban]

No, I mean back to cuddling.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you? Yeah. Go back to cuddling. Not for a second.

[Iron Patriot]

She doesn't like to cuddle either.

[Freddie Lockhart]

And that's the thing, you know, she's like Puerto Rican, so she gets hot really easily.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sleep with like a pillow between your legs or something?

[Freddie Lockhart]

No, I don't sleep with a pillow between my legs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you sleep with a pillow between you?

[Clee Wiggins]

Sometimes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you sleep with a pillow?

[Redban]

No, I sleep with a girl between my legs and I have one hand on her tit. I have my dick inside over my leg like. Like this. It's fucking awesome. It's just like perfect. It's like you're too puzzle pieces put together. And you have the air conditioning turned on, like, 40 degrees, so you don't sweat. You're just locked, like, keeping each other warm and surviving.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many girls do you get pregnant with this thing? None.

[Clee Wiggins]

Really? Even with the dick inside all night long?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. It seems like if you let a dick marinate inside of a vagina all night long, some type of life form would have to grow or some kind

[Freddie Lockhart]

of fusion would take place.

[Redban]

But you have to have a period for first before that you could even get pregnant.

[Clee Wiggins]

That's okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, I see what you did there.

[Freddie Lockhart]

This guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know what you did there. And then you lean back after that like that.

[Redban]

Boys can't get pregnant. What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Jesus. Yeah, I love Neapolitan ice cream. I love that reference there. That's fun.

[Clee Wiggins]

Thank you.

[Iron Patriot]

That was pretty good. When she talk about the brown come coming out of the brother's banana. I've heard people talk about, like, chocolate

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

milk coming out of the brother's bananas, too. He just. He can't make enough monkey references while talking about black people.

[Iron Patriot]

No, I was saying. I like that joke. That was. That was funny. I've heard, you know, chocolate milk jokes about. No, that was good females, but I've never heard that.

[Clee Wiggins]

I'm not on board with that Soul Sister Number nine song, by the way. Look, the dandruff reference is like an afro thing or something. It's very subtly racist. But from ignorance, which I feel like

[Freddie Lockhart]

subtle racism is more offensive than overt racism. You just own it.

[Iron Patriot]

I said, I'm. I'm in love with Soul Sister Number nine. I said, it's a compliment.

[Clee Wiggins]

I mean, but it's like a fetish. It's not a good thing.

[Redban]

Like a fetish.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Cle. What was the. So, yeah, I like the dolce de leche part. Is that a thing?

[Clee Wiggins]

Yeah, I have references for all the. The major races.

[Freddie Lockhart]

And then the Mexican cum thing was Mexican.

[Clee Wiggins]

Tasted like dulce delicious.

[Freddie Lockhart]

That was good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Seems like there's. It seems like you could go on and on with a whole ice cream run. Yeah, of.

[Clee Wiggins]

You know, I've been trying to think

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

of new ones, like the guy that. The guy that, like, is abusive. It's like rocky road.

[Clee Wiggins]

Oh, there you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And we could go on and on with ice cream references all day. What do I know?

[Clee Wiggins]

No, I like it. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna. I'll explore that little avenue. Thank you, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tons of ice creams to be had. Clee. Wiggins, everybody. If you're on Twitter, why don't. Why don't you follow her at Clee the Pimp? That's Klee. K L E E. The pimp. At Clee the Pimp. Yeah. That's fun. So that's how. That's how it goes sometimes. Sometimes we just listen and chat with people. Sometimes we have brilliant ideas. Sometimes the Patriot just fucking twitches his little arm off, calls out racial slurs. Yeah. When the brothers come out of their banana. I mean, what the fuck are you thinking over there? I love it, though.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Brother. Like, when you say brother with a hard R, it tells me you say nigger with a hard R. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm starting to think that because of his accidental racism, the Patriot bought that suit because he was getting beat up by black people all the time. That's why it's all dented and shit. The fuck you say, boy? All right, back into the black bucket we go. Ori Amir. Put your hands together for Ori Amir. Oh, he's a jumper. Here he goes.

[Ori Amir]

Good evening, gentlemen. American women. So my accent is half Hebrew, half German. And yes, I've been unsuccessfully trying to kill myself for years, And I'm stuck with the accent. I can't fix it.

[Freddie Lockhart]

But I thought, you know, maybe I

[Ori Amir]

could see more American. If I, like, say American things like, yo, this is America, speak English. Jesus loves you. Sign here. Damn scientists lying about global warming. Oh, my God. I am also a member of the National Rifle Association. Give me one of those cool handshakes. Guns. Yeah. Freedom. I love the English language. I love how rich your vocabulary is. You got. You got words like Communist, socialist, Marxist, Maoist, anti American. And these are only the synonyms for poor. Right? I've been learning English.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, that's a powerful 60 seconds. Put your hands together for Ori Amir.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Ori Amir. That was good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I fucking love you. Where are you from?

[Ori Amir]

Israel.

[Sarah Mostajabi]

Wow.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Straight out of Israel. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you been here?

[Ori Amir]

Five years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is so cool.

[Freddie Lockhart]

I like him. You know why I liked him? He came up here, he went. He got right to fucking business.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Freddie Lockhart]

He's like, I got 60 seconds, son.

[Lil Bro]

Yeah.

[Freddie Lockhart]

I'm gonna throw down. And he did it. Didn't he do it? You did it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nothing but daggers the whole time. Just fucking quick lightning jokes.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's so fun. How long you been doing stand up?

[Ori Amir]

A couple of years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Couple of years.

[Freddie Lockhart]

He did it. You talk about who you are, where you're from, until you're famous.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Freddie Lockhart]

And he did just that. 60 seconds.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, exactly. I love that. What else do you do when. What else do you. You live here in Los Angeles?

[Ori Amir]

Yeah, I'm doing a PhD here.

[Freddie Lockhart]

A PhD.

[Ori Amir]

I study brains. Yes.

[Freddie Lockhart]

You like Freud?

[Ori Amir]

Yeah, I actually, we do, like, FMRI studies. Like, when you look what happens in the brain under various things that you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Various things. You sounded really smart until the end.

[Ori Amir]

Yes, various things.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yes.

[Ori Amir]

Brains. It's parts. It has parts.

[Iron Patriot]

Wow.

[Freddie Lockhart]

I think he was gonna throw out a word and he knew we went uninterested.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, right.

[Ori Amir]

Actually. Actually, look at. Look at what happens when you enjoy comedy. Like, that's the last thing I did. So you can actually see the parts that are.

[Redban]

Wow.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Oh, wow. That are affected by humor. Is that what you're. Oh, wow.

[Ori Amir]

So basically, you go inside the scanner with them, and you, like. Have you ever noticed how crowded it is? Indeed. Don't laugh. You're moving your head. No disturb the signal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that's amazing. So you're doing studies on that, on how laughter affects the brain and stuff like that?

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yeah. Check out his shoes, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. Those shoes are fucking baller, man.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Those are baller. They look like you went paintballing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Ori Amir]

It was white. I'm just a messy eater.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Those are great. I like them. I like this guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. That's so cool. So you're, like, super smart. What are you gonna do with your whole PhD?

[Ori Amir]

I don't know. Probably look for a job doing the same stuff I do now.

[Freddie Lockhart]

How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?

[Ori Amir]

32.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Oh, wow. You're a young man. And I bet you've been in every country. And if I put your passport looks like fucking janky. It's just stamps everywhere. You've been to a lot of places.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's your favorite place that you've been to?

[Ori Amir]

Colombia.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Ooh, Colombia. He's like, his glow is fucking pure.

[Ori Amir]

People are awesome. Nature is great. The women are.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is awesome. Would you. Would you end up doing with the Colombian girl that you met there? Just getting crazy. Did you guys do it by the beach like they do in movies?

[Ori Amir]

Actually, yes.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Did you have the mob after you?

[Ori Amir]

No, I. I had them stop the bus and help us. They wanted to help us. The guns and stuff.

[Freddie Lockhart]

But, yeah, the guns. They run the guns.

[Ori Amir]

They wanted help with the. They ask for. For, like, people who knows how to clean. Know how to clean guns, which I'm not. He's 32.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Like, I'm 34. When you meet guys, you're like, he's on his way to Being a fucking doctor. And I'm a level 55 in Call of Duty.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know, it is pretty crazy.

[Freddie Lockhart]

It's amazing what he's been doing with his time and what I've been doing with mine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What I want to know, like, what I find interesting. Is a guy as smart as you, like, do you. How, how seriously do you take the stand up thing? Like, is it something that you'd rather do other than that, or do you dabble?

[Freddie Lockhart]

Is this like squash?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ori Amir]

Oh, it's, it's one of the most fun things.

[Freddie Lockhart]

I can tell he loves it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you do a lot of spots?

[Ori Amir]

The occasional ones. Not too many. Moderation.

[Cody Morley]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Interesting. I think you're very, very funny and very, very interesting. Keep doing what you're doing.

[Ori Amir]

Very kind to my friend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'd recommend doing more spots. You're so smart that you could break at any point. Don't let anybody tell you that you, you started too late because you're very funny and extremely smart. So use that to your advantage. That's Ori Amir, everybody. There he goes.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Thanks, Ori.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A fucking genius like Bonafide who dabbles in stand up comedy and kills working on his PhD.

[Freddie Lockhart]

We gotta go write jokes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, I studied brain. You may have heard of it, even though you're a fucking idiot. Put your hands together for your next comedian. Very funny man who I've seen here before. Put your hands together for Lil Bro everybody.

[Lil Bro]

I love Latino women. You know why I love Latino women? Cause they know how to take a punch seriously like other women you hit, you know, they either want to call the authorities or fight back or call a brother. But I can make that joke. Cause I got a Mexican wife. I got her in Tijuana for $50. She's an equestrian. I know she loves horses. Bought her from a guy for 50 bucks, man. So she, I don't have her yet. He's shipping her to me. I guess it's a male auto bride. I don't know. I gave him my P.O. box, so I didn't want to give him my real address, you know, just in case shit don't work out and I have to get rid of her ass. So I got a room at Motel 6, so we staying there. I had it delivered to my P.O. box, so that's all I got. That's a new joke I'm working on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck yeah. That makes sense. Yeah. So my immediate thing. Put your hands together for Little Bro everybody. Yeah, it's, it's, it's extremely funny. From the top. I Could tell the first thing that you wrote was that initial, you know, first line. And now you're trying to make it bigger from there, that they can take a punch. And I like that you bail out of that and rationalize it. Are you really married? You don't have a Mexican?

[Lil Bro]

No, no. I actually wrote a long story of how I met her and how I love her and, you know, how the guy is going to send her to me and I give him my P.O. box because I'm waiting, you know, down at the post office. She's going to end up being there, waiting on me to get there because

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I actually have a joke about. That's what I was waiting for was when you mentioned the P.O. box. Like, you got to mention. You know, how you're. You're just gonna check it out. You know what I mean? I'm like, see what you're dealing with? I'm thinking. And if you're gonna keep playing it like that thing is real, then I would also rationalize, like, you know, there's only 50 bucks. That's just enough for me to not care and be able to drive away without putting this thing in the car, whatever ends up showing up to that post office. You know what I mean? So it's still worth it. It's not like, you know, thousands of dollars. Yeah.

[Redban]

So you can even say that you were unsure and you took her home for a week to try her out, but you got the insurance and you take her back because she was broken. Yeah, something like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

For real? Yeah. Or. Or the. When the box came, it was so. Such a strong box because Mexicans make such sturdy products that you couldn't even open the box. And she just.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Or he opened it, and, like, 10 of her fucking cousins ran out, too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There it is. Yeah.

[Lil Bro]

Hold on. I got two for the price of one.

[Freddie Lockhart]

I like his energy. He's got good energy. He came out. He came out throwing haymakers, and that was good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Totally.

[Freddie Lockhart]

He's got an orange. Orange is a great color because it's also a smell, a sight, and a taste.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Heck, yeah. Orange is the new black.

[Freddie Lockhart]

It is the new black. It is the new black. He's got an orange watch on. He knows what time it is, son.

[Redban]

Is that G Shock?

[Ori Amir]

Yeah.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Where are you from?

[Frank Castillo]

Houston.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Houston, Texas. Same place ghetto boys are from.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's dressed like he's. He's dressed like he's performing comedy in a construction zone.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yeah, I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is. This.

[Lil Bro]

This is, like, a casual day. It's a holiday, so.

[Freddie Lockhart]

But you Know, we always get it crisp like that from head to toe, matching, like. Like, I'll try to sometimes not match so much on purpose, but I'll look at it just head to toe, monochromatic. That's how we do it.

[Redban]

Yeah. Well, hey, man, thank you very much.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Thank you. Oh, and I like the spelling of his name, too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Lil Bro is on Twitter at Lil Bro, that's B. That's A. Lil L, I, L, B, R, O, U, G, H. For those of you that are huge fans of comedians with their names spelled as hard as they can be spelled, you must love Lil Bro. Bro spelled B, R, O, U, G, H, Little Bro.

[Iron Patriot]

He could also be called no fro.

[Freddie Lockhart]

This guy, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the fuck, man? What is wrong with you? I can tell after he says these things, he laughs because you can see him, like, jitter up and down,

[Freddie Lockhart]

watch him just take off into the sky. That'd be fucking amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

People fucking go crazy about the Iron Patriot. I mean, everybody loves them, like, I guess. You know, I never get to listen to the podcast. I watch it from time to time and check out the visual part of everything, but I never get to listen. But it seems like everybody who listens and watches gets the feeling of how much and how liked the Iron Patriot really is.

[Iron Patriot]

And it's a lot of fun for me because people send me questions, and all day long, I answer questions about Kill Tony. And a lot of people don't know they can watch it. I'll direct them with a link to where they can watch it on Vimeo. They don't even. And they go, I didn't even know I could watch it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's all blowing up for you,

[Iron Patriot]

man, because I like people to see me and see my costume, and then they'll ask, you know, about my costume. And it's. It's been a lot of fun because three months ago, I didn't even have a Twitter account, and now I'm just having a lot of fun. Every day I go on there.

[Freddie Lockhart]

It's on. It's unstuck, dude. It's stuck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can somebody. Can somebody push the reset button on the back of his control?

[Freddie Lockhart]

Alt delete in the back. It'll do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, let's keep this fun train moving along. Your next comedian's name is Dustin Emery,

[Dustin Emery]

So that I know of. I've never had a dick in my mouth. And I say that I know of because how do I know dicks aren't like spiders? And you don't know it, but about seven dicks a Year have been crawling into your mouth while you sleep. And I'd be like a magnet for that shit too, because I sleep heavy and I drool a lot. But anyways, pretty sure never had a dick in my mouth. But I have had very, very vivid dreams where I'm sucking my own dick, which results in a disturbing dilemma for the straight man. Because now I feel like I know what it's like to have a dick in my mouth. Like, what it's like to have it

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

rubbing inside of my cheek, what it's

[Dustin Emery]

like to choke on it. Even what it's like to chew on it just a little bit. I'm not gonna, like, chomp down on

[Freddie Lockhart]

my own dream dick.

[Dustin Emery]

Just little nibbles. Anyways, that's it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Dustin Emery, There's. There's an interesting. An interest. What I find interesting about what you just talked about is having. Is having a dream about sucking your own dick. Like, it seems like there would be a wealth of.

[Freddie Lockhart]

I've had that dream.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Freddie Lockhart]

It is a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you doing it? Do you feel it? Do you feel it?

[Freddie Lockhart]

No, I just go, what the fuck am I doing? And I'm ashamed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you're, like, totally flexible and just able to do that.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Like, I must have thrown out some ribs. I don't know how I. But just.

[Dustin Emery]

I've had dreams where I'm sucking two of my dicks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that's just gay as fuck. One of those dicks can't possibly be yours. I mean, I'm sucking two of my dicks. I mean, one of them looks like Lil Bro's dick, but. Sucking two of your own dicks. Do you have two dicks?

[Freddie Lockhart]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Then you're gay, bro. You just came out of the closet.

[Redban]

How long have you been doing comedy for?

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yeah, how long you been doing.

[Dustin Emery]

I've done two open mics and that's it.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Okay. You know what I think the thing in the beginning is? He should have said it. That what you opened with. And then let it land for a second because you got right back into it because let it land because it's an absurd thing. And they're gonna be like, what the fuck is this guy talking about? And then you get into it, because sometimes you get into it. You haven't let him give her the shock. And you see a lot of jaws drop. Like, I'm gonna hear about dicks but make it funny, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you. Did you. Was it. Did you have a wet dream?

[Dustin Emery]

I've actually only ever had one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you? But you didn't have it when you were sucking your own dick. Like, I think there's something funny in that. Like, that you couldn't. You couldn't get yourself to finish with your own blowjob. Like, there's something in that. There's something in, you know, a bunch of that. I would stay in the pocket on the dream. What I would analyze the dream frees

[Freddie Lockhart]

you of all creepiness.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right? Right. I would not mention the part where you're sucking two dicks.

[Freddie Lockhart]

One dick minimum there. One dick maximum.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One dick minimum. So true. Oh, my God, totally. I mean, if you're sucking a dick in a dream, always make sure it's your dick.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Make sure it's your own dick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But there's definitely a great premise there. That's so cool that you've only done this a couple times.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Good for you. You didn't seem like you got the business. You got. You got. You got busy right away.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Keep doing it all the time, as often as you can, if you're interested in it.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Looks hip like Yousef.

[Iron Patriot]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, guys that look like you are getting jobs over geniuses like me. So, I mean, you're. It's a great time to look like that.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not many jobs I'm still doing pretty fucking good. But, you know, it's a.

[Freddie Lockhart]

It's your time to look like Keanu Reeves. Good time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Look at this guy.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Look at him. He's hip.

[Redban]

The one thing I would say, though, but this is more, you just learn because you've only been doing, you know, very short period of time, and then you'll. You'll learn this. But the biggest thing I would say is to act like you're saying that as you instead of. Because you kind of. I could kind of tell you kind of, like, wrote it out. You're kind of almost going, yeah, I

[Freddie Lockhart]

could tell you're trying to remember verbatim.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Definitely.

[Redban]

Instead of like, no, this is actually me.

[Freddie Lockhart]

It's a thought.

[Redban]

Like, if I was talking to you and you were telling me this story, you wouldn't be doing it like that. You'd be doing it like, so I was, like, sucking this dick. And you know what I mean? Like, it would be more believable as you. Instead of. But you'll learn that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. That comes from just doing it a lot. But so far, you know, at least you're putting yourself in position to have interesting premises. So there you go. That's Dustin Emery, everybody. You don't have a Twitter. Get a Twitter, dude.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Get a Twitter, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's time don't be that guy.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Get a Twitter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Never too late. Just get on Twitter.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Do my own thing, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it opened, Mike. It opened mic number 30. You'll be on Twitter and you'll be like, why didn't I just get on Twitter? When they.

[Freddie Lockhart]

It's always the hesitant people who actually get on and start killing it too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, totally. They come out of nowhere.

[Redban]

How long you been doing comedy, Freddie?

[Freddie Lockhart]

13 years this year.

[Redban]

Did you start at the Comedy Store?

[Freddie Lockhart]

I did. It was my very first time here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Me too.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yeah.

[Redban]

So you went through all this already? Like, a long time ago, doing the open mics and stuff like that?

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yeah, old school.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They just got rid of the Sunday open. Yeah.

[Freddie Lockhart]

What is that? I heard Sunday open mic done.

[Redban]

That's crazy.

[Freddie Lockhart]

No, Moss.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I don't know.

[Freddie Lockhart]

I don't know.

[Redban]

The crowd is getting freaked out.

[Freddie Lockhart]

I know. The crowd's like, what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know, right? Yeah, it's. It's only a tradition of 40 plus years, you know, in which pretty much all of our favorites and no more new comics ever.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yeah, I guess that's what they figure.

[Redban]

Hey, let's cut our future by cutting out. Yeah, the future of comics. Hanging out here seems like a great idea.

[Freddie Lockhart]

There we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's. It's a really, really interesting situation. I feel like this is like the 9am report of 911 where it's like the 10am reports like, what the fuck just happened? Yeah, and it's like so fresh off the presses that people are just like, can't even digest it yet. But it's.

[Freddie Lockhart]

It's like when the plane is like, you got to show me two planes hitting the building, then I'll be scared.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right?

[Freddie Lockhart]

It's like, two dicks, you know, you don't need that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And we were talking about this outside. It benefits us.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Then you're fucked. Two dicks. You're fucked.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, there's a one dick minimum.

[Freddie Lockhart]

One dick minimum. That would imply that you get to order mini dicks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But we were talking about outside that it benefits us, them not having a show, the 40 comics on Sunday, because then technically we would get more. Right. A paid spot for, you know, the amount of money that they pay us. And so it's really interesting because even though it benefits me, I can clearly see why that is a. There's no other comedy club that has an open mic like this.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yeah, they need. They need to get that back.

[Iron Patriot]

It's.

[Freddie Lockhart]

It's. It's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's interesting and it keeps this place going. And I'm pretty Sure. Everybody just wants to work stuff out. I mean, they'll end up the people. It needs to be just marketed as for what it is. Because Sunday is, like, one of the coolest nights to come here.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yeah. Anybody name the first time I ever went on, I saw, like, Chris Rock being in a band and being like. We played on the same stage as Zeppelin, bro. The first fucking night we ever did it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Everybody comes in.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If Chappelle's here, they're coming in.

[Freddie Lockhart]

If I come in. The first time I met Dice, I

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

was like, hi, Andrew Dice Clay, get

[Freddie Lockhart]

the fuck out of here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know, exactly. I've only seen Dice on Sundays here.

[Freddie Lockhart]

They just told me to get the fuck out of here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I introduced him to my mom on a Sunday night.

[Freddie Lockhart]

I know you make all these rookie mistakes when you're.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Dice, this is my uncle. Your uncle, right.

[Redban]

What did he. Your mom?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, why would he. My mom?

[Redban]

No. Like, what happened? What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I. I was with my mom and Dice walked by and. And I go, dice, this is my mom. And he goes, what do you want me to do, shake her hand? Give her a hug?

[Freddie Lockhart]

Your mom's a whole. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, he was. He was really nice, but then he got cool after.

[Freddie Lockhart]

I see you've been coming here a while. Okay, nice now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, right, right. He gets it. But, you know, hopefully this Sunday thing will clear itself up. It's an interesting, interesting.

[Redban]

Is there something that's being replaced? Are they just doing, like, shows Tuesday

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

or Wednesday night show, which all that needs to be known about it is that the same comics that would do the spot for 15 minutes there are here on those Sunday night shows anyway, to do a pop in spot. Right. It's just an interesting thing at the bottom ground of comedy. And since we. Since we do this show, I figured it'd be worth, you know. Yeah, it's mentioning. It's an interesting, interesting thing happening there. So.

[Redban]

So we should pick it and start.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I would pick it if I was an open mind.

[Freddie Lockhart]

I bet you they're comics. They're like, hey, there's a fucking bucket.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, that's right. Hey, we already just lost a spot on Sunday. Get your hand in the bucket, dick. All right, put your hands together for your next comedian, Des Delgadlito.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Delgadolito.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Delgado. Dez, Douglito, you've been blacklisted. Dez.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Wait, wait, say it properly, though. They might not have. I'll give him a chance to come.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How the fuck does he have such good handwriting? Yeah, put your hands together. For Des, everybody. Are you here? He should be coming. I mean, he's not deaf, right? Oh, nothing on that. What are you guys.

[Redban]

Does he know he's outside? You guys are jerks.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Oh, he was the guy under.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait a second. He's. He's blind and he's under. Well, you can. Technically, by rule, the. The performer can come in just to perform.

[Freddie Lockhart]

You got a wireless mic you could

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

take out there, go grab them. That's cool, right? Yeah, yeah, I would just. Yeah, okay. All right, so let's do one more while DEZ is coming, right?

[Redban]

I've always had a fantasy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm sure that's gonna take a couple minutes.

[Redban]

I've always had a fantasy to actually have sex. Like, to meet a beautiful blind girl. Wouldn't that be great?

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no. She doesn't know how hot she is. You know, you can treat her like

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

shit a little better, or you could

[Freddie Lockhart]

just, you know, she has no IDEA She's a 10. You're like, you're all right. You're okay, but you needn't be talking to me like that. I'll fucking leave you.

[Redban]

They need to have a website to find these because what are they doing? There's probably gymnasiums of these blind girls.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Gymnasiums? Is that a unit of measurement?

[Redban]

Yes, when it comes to blind people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that happening? Is somebody getting dez? Is he still here?

[Freddie Lockhart]

Okay, maybe we do another one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really interesting. A comedian under 21 who's blind. I mean, this guy's gonna be a star no matter what.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Oh, yeah, dude. He should be on America's Got Talent.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This stand up. Is this thing on? You know, I mean, like, any joke is automatically funny. Yeah, when you're blind. I mean, what can't be? How can you not kill? He's going to. He's already starting, and he's under 21. Like, I'm honored to meet this guy. Des Del Gadda. He's got to change his last name. We'll talk about that. It's gonna be interesting no matter what. This is, like comedy history. I almost like the anticipation leading up to it.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Del Dito.

[Redban]

Well, this might take a while.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's just see one more.

[Redban]

He can't see stairs and things like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, that's right.

[Freddie Lockhart]

I saw him in the back. I saw him coming up here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So is he wearing, like, sunglasses?

[Freddie Lockhart]

No, but he did have the cane. The cane like Ralphie had in Christmas Story when he ate the soap.

[Redban]

Definitely whopping.

[Freddie Lockhart]

It was soap poisoning.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So we'll do one while we're waiting. Put your hands together for Peter Christian Hessing.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yes. Peter Christian Hessing Band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This guy better be fucking blind, then. He's blacklisted.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Blacklisted, Tommy. Done with.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. There you go. The amount of disrespect, we'll never hear of Peter Christian Hessing again. What are you blind? Anyway, all right, well, there you have it. Des Delga Delito is going to be a star one day. But I guess it doesn't start here tonight.

[Redban]

He's probably just pink dot, like going in circles.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Probably heard me say his name and he's on stage in the main room right now of of the House of Blues. This is not going well. I mean, I thought there was like at least 30 or 40 people that said they were going to this show, but I mean, I am really bombing up here. I know I walked up on the stage. All right, put your hands together for your next comedian. Cody Morley, everybody.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Cody Morley.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here he is.

[Redban]

Hey, guys.

[Cody Morley]

I think I'm exactly young enough, the very youngest you can be, to still remember when pornography was a hard thing to get. You remember, you had to go down, like into the basement, some weird corner, open up a bust of Abe Lincoln. Push a red button, bookcase opens up, you slide down. You're in your dad's clothes. Now you gotta answer a sphinx's riddles. You get them all right, you can go down the hallway, but you gotta run because if you walk, then you're not gonna beat the giant boulder following you. Go to where the hallway narrows, you hit the wall, secret door. You dig in the old C chest, not the new sea chest. That's a trap. You find a VHS tape? Depends on what your dad's into. My dad, obviously Batman. So blacks on blonde's 13. That's what my dad likes. Then you needed privacy. Get the VCR so low that all you could hear is the tracking. Just ear the tv, all they can hear is the dog. And he's just happy. You're out of peanut butter.

[Redban]

Really?

[Cody Morley]

There's more to the joke, but I

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

think I only got a minute, so I'm done.

[Cody Morley]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You nailed it at 57.7 seconds. That's Cody Morley. What's a sea chest?

[Cody Morley]

A sea chest is something a sailor

[Redban]

takes to see with him. I mean, a treasure chest.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, kinda.

[Cody Morley]

I'd say it's like what a guy in the navy, like, takes his belongings in with him. C chest and a sea bag.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Csea see? Yeah, yeah.

[Cody Morley]

Sea.

[Iron Patriot]

Yes.

[Redban]

Yeah.

It just seems treasure chest would make

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

more sense Yeah, I feel like treasure chest paints sometimes you might want to

[Freddie Lockhart]

contribute to the lowest common denominator because it's going to be somebody who doesn't understand that. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. I think Chess.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does he mean by round of applause out there? How many of you knew what he meant by sea chest originally?

[Freddie Lockhart]

Give it up for the Navy people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

SARAH claps to try to be smart.

[Redban]

I knew what it was.

[Freddie Lockhart]

I knew what it was.

[Cody Morley]

Four more people than I expected.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Energy. Two people. One and two. And this guy started clapping before I got to the end of the question, when I said, how many of you knew by round of applause. I'm a fucking genius. I know what kind of boxes they were using when they were shipping things across the. Is that how you talk? I knew it.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have no idea who you are, but you have the look of a fucking guy. That's just my fucking life.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Everybody says, what do you want from me? A lot. What do you want from me?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. You're from New York City.

[Freddie Lockhart]

No, never been.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Philly. Where are you? South Bay, South Bay, South Florida, like Miami. What do you mean South Bay?

[Cody Morley]

South Bay shore, Brooklyn.

[Ori Amir]

What?

[Freddie Lockhart]

No, everybody's yelling like Northern California.

[Redban]

That's South Bay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Glendale, Burbank, Southern Southern San Francisco.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Cerritos, Auto Square.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, can you. Can you name a city that you were near?

[Freddie Lockhart]

San Pedro. Yeah, it's all around there, you know, South Bay. It's not in the 30 mile zone, so it doesn't matter.

[Redban]

So what do you.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Let's talk about his jokes.

[Redban]

Totally forgot about you.

[Freddie Lockhart]

I liked. I liked his porno joke about that because porno was hard to score. And when I was a kid, you had to go, so the 7:11 behind the 7:11 in the bush. Like people would store like swank and gallery. Like the hardcore ones where you like open the page each page of girls legs on it. It's like a science fucking experiment. But you would get it. Or your cop buddy, like your dad was a cop or somebody like that. That's where you'd score porn. But it wasn't.

[Redban]

I dad just had a stack underneath his fucking like clothes in the closet. And they all had water damage and it was water damage.

[Cody Morley]

It wasn't like actual dad had an actual bat cave. You had to sneak in.

[Redban]

Really.

[Cody Morley]

In a corner of the basement with a secret door.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yeah, like kept the door.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I didn't have a dad, but I had an uncle who. And then my uncle owned a bar. So what would happen was, is. And this was a lot of My first jerking off moments. But what happened was he had this amazing satellite dish that when I was like, whatever, 13 or 12 or whenever that happened, but the channels would just come in. But what's interesting is since it was on the second floor of this bar that he owned, there was a TV above his TV that had what was going on in the bar. So I knew when he would be coming up the stairs and shit. So I'd be watching both TVs just like, finish. Oh, God, I really hope I don't get caught. So weird.

[Cody Morley]

What happens if you finish but you're looking at the wrong tv, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly. Then. Then you're staring at your uncle. You blew a load on your wallet. Anyway, Cody Morley, everybody. He's at Cody Morley.

[Redban]

Uncles are used to it.

[Freddie Lockhart]

That's why you don't look at the porn on your phone. Because then somebody texts you like your buddy does, and you're like, oh, oh, I got my. Yeah, you texted me, actually.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? During a phone?

[Freddie Lockhart]

During a session. I didn't have the iPad near. You know,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have had.

[Freddie Lockhart]

What? Apple device was local.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I so rarely do that. I remember when I got my iPhone and I first looked at porn on it, I was amazed. This is a fucking revolution. Like, we went from Snake to watching a normal porno.

[Luke Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Feature length.

[Iron Patriot]

Yeah. I didn't get to see much porn back then either, Pony. The most I could hope for is like, you know, Porkies, when they had that shower scene. Or, you know, Fast Times at Ridgemont High with Phoebe Cates coming out of

[Freddie Lockhart]

the pool and Nerds.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pie.

[Iron Patriot]

Judge Reinhardt was jacking off in the bathroom. That was a good one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have a question for you, Patriot.

[Freddie Lockhart]

No, that's not the part people remember. It's the Phoebe Cates part that people remember.

[Iron Patriot]

That was the whole scene. I mean, the music from the Cars. That Cars song that was so moving in stereo. That was a great scene.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have a question for you, Patriot. What are the top three keyword search words that you type in when you're looking up porno?

[Iron Patriot]

I'll tell you, if you want to see some pretty feet. Go to you, Jizz. And type in Brandy Bell feet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus. That was not the question I asked. I can't believe you just said the words. Go to you, jizz.

[Redban]

Go to you, jizz. Type in Little Orphan Annie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Listen to my question, Patriot. When you're going to. When. When you're going to jerk off on a porno website, what are three words that you find yourself typing in? Sometimes not all in the same time, but at different times. Your three favorite things that you're into.

[Iron Patriot]

Petite feet, natural, hairy.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why hairy? Good thing that I specifically asked for your top four.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yeah.

[Iron Patriot]

Wait, wait.

[Redban]

What's with the hairy? Is that like having, like, bush and no bush?

[Freddie Lockhart]

Bush. Wall to wall carpeting. You're old school, aren't you?

[Iron Patriot]

I like a little bush. It turns me off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck yeah. Dirty crabber.

[Freddie Lockhart]

There's still part of me that has a little love for the bush because we grew up on the bush, but the cleanliness factor is far better today.

[Redban]

Well, it's. It's if it's a bush or if it's just, like, not taken care thickets and shit. Yeah.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Nothing I do with it where it's

[Redban]

like you're putting your dick in her and you're pulling her butthole hair and

[Freddie Lockhart]

an ecosystem in it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not really into it at all. Yeah, I'm. I'm anti bush. I really am. I just can't. It reminds me of, like, I must have, like, seen my mom's vagina when I came out of it, and there was a. Probably a bush there. My mom seems like the kind of lady that would have a bush. And I'm sure I saw that vagina on my way out. And I'm like, I don't need to ever see anything.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Like, everybody's mom's got a bush. Whose filthy mom is right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whose mom is that dirty of a slut that she's fucking pulling out the razor?

[Redban]

I can't stop. I can't stop looking at Freddy's beard and thinking about bush.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's true. Me too.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Well, when I go down there and I eat at the wires where I really have to pull this thing back, you gotta put the fucking loofah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Put the rubber band in. Pull off the captain Lou Albano.

[Freddie Lockhart]

But sometimes I'll leave it on and come up and let the dance. I like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's keep this fun train moving along. So we. There's nothing, Des. Huh? Nothing from the blind guy. Oh, what a shame. All the potential I could see in him. Your next comedian is Frank Castle. Oh, snap.

[Frank Castillo]

Hey, everyone. So I started prematurely balding when I was 19.

[Dustin Emery]

Okay?

[Frank Castillo]

The thing that sucks is, like, no one is ever honest with you when you start balding. And, like, I didn't get the hint until my mom bought me a yarmulke for Christmas. Like, we're not even Jewish. Like, I opened it up and I was like, mom, are we converting? She's like, no, no, no. You are cue ball. Thank you That's. That's what I got to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was 21 seconds. Is there anything else you're working on? All right, well, first, let me just tell you that the only thing that I didn't like was the absolute opening of I started prematurely balding at 19. The. Okay, because you just need to go on to the next thing right into your next sentence, because that's not really a punchline. So when you're like, okay, people are like, was I supposed to laugh at that? But you really don't need to, because that's not really a punchline. That's just your setup. Anyway, so into the premature balding, into the Jew thing, which I think is hilarious. Is there anything else that you're working on?

[Frank Castillo]

Not that I'd feel comfortable doing in front of everyone. Like, I'm still writing it, and I'm still working.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the premise of the new idea? That you'd be uncomfortable talking.

[Iron Patriot]

All right, so.

[Frank Castillo]

All right, so my girlfriend is. I have a girlfriend. I don't have anyone notice. And she's really good at cooking, and I love her cooking. I love it so much that it ruins hot chicks for me. Like, every time that I see a hot chick, I have to really decide whether or not it's gonna be worth it. Like, I see a hot chick, I'm just like, ah, you're cute. But, like, it's enchilada night tonight. I can't miss that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. There's something there.

[Redban]

Definitely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Definitely. Yeah, definitely. Again, when you started that hot purse

[Freddie Lockhart]

or hot plate, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Something like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Freddie Lockhart]

And then you take a hit at the cigarette. I don't know. I'm sorry. I'm feeling more and more. It just got dicey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very dicey. All the way down.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Like, you say, like, she's a whoa. And I was her. And it's that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then the left pepperoni nipples. A pepperoni pizza.

[Freddie Lockhart]

There you go. It's good. There's something there. I know what he's talking about, because there's girls far hotter than my girl, but it is. It's like, she cooks really good, and they even explore with that. It's like, girl, you know, sevens take care of you. Tens, not so much. You know, tens take care of themselves. That's why they're fucking tens.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right? Yeah, There's. There's. I would also just be more clear on the front end of it. It's gonna help you a lot in that payoff on the end if you're more clear. Because when you. The way that you're saying it now, you say that you have a girlfriend, and that when you see a hot chick, you know, we don't know whether you're saying that your girlfriend's not hot because you don't say that, so it's sort of misleading. Whereas the. The idea is funnier than how you're saying it right now, which is fine, because I sort of drug it out of you anyway. You didn't want to talk about it. But, you know, take the importance of the setup being so important. It's as important as the punchline needs to be. Quick, concise, fun, to the point, because that all adds up to the payoff in the end. This balloon that you're blowing up for one quick pop. Every breath counts. The more air that's into it, the louder the pops gonna be. So, you know, be clear on those setups and keep rocking and rolling. If you're on Twitter, his name is at Frank C. Comedy, right?

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. That's Frank Castillo.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Frank Castillo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A lot of names in the bucket today.

[Redban]

Let's do rapid, rapid, rapid, rapid 2.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Rapid, rapid, rapid, rapid. Luke Schwartz.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Luke Schwartz, Come on down.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, the killer. Hey, guys.

[Luke Schwartz]

How's it going? I've noticed that single guys do this thing where they carry, like, a condom around with them all the time, like, in their backpack or their car, wherever. Like, like, just hope springs eternal. Like, there's just gonna be, like, some sex emergency that you're just gonna have to, like, jump in and just fuck. But, like, it doesn't ever happen like that, clearly. But the. The closest I could get as a single guy, like, carrying that condom around to, like, using that condom is if I saw a sexual assault, like, happening. That would be the only place I could use the condom. And, like, I'd have to, like, run up to this dude and be like, look, look, I know you're a sociopath and you, like, have no feelings, but, like, I also want your dick to feel nothing too. And that was my attempt. Sorry, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Brian. In the very beginning of that, Brian pulled out this fucking pancaked magnum. Disgusting. Fucking. It looks like he's only sitting on that for months.

[Redban]

No, no, this is fresh. I just put this in. I always keep a condom in my back pocket.

[Luke Schwartz]

True and not funny.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here's something I would say.

[Freddie Lockhart]

I keep them at home where I.

[Redban]

Sometimes you're behind, you know, Pink dot.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yeah.

[Redban]

With that blind girl.

[Luke Schwartz]

Sex emergency.

[Redban]

Yeah, sex emergency. I've had that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You never had that app where you

[Redban]

go to a girl's house. You're like, oh, I'll go back to your house. Have a glass. And then you were like, oh, shit. You don't have a condom. Fuck.

[Freddie Lockhart]

We used to carry him around, like, in eighth grade, thinking we were gonna get the puss. Like he was saying, like, it was gonna attract puss. Like, he should go somewhere with that. Because it's like you, you know, carrying the keys to Mercedes won't attract a Mercedes. It's like, nor will carrying condom attract pussy. It's not gonna happen. Yeah, but we thought that in eighth grade that we. Because it's back there, it will come.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that and I. Where I thought you were gonna go was somewhere, like, along the lines of what you keep in your pocket. Instead. That and plus, I only ever. And plus, again, sort of like with Carlos. There's a little bit of confusion in your setup because what you say is. Is, you know, some guys keep a condom in their back pocket, and that doesn't really work. But you're not making it clear that that doesn't work for you. It seems like you're dogging those guys that have it, but that's not because

[Redban]

it works for me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right? It works. It works for other guys.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Luke Schwartz]

No, I'm not trying.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Okay.

[Luke Schwartz]

I'm not trying to, like, put anyone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Maybe it's something like. You know, I'll tell you, I bet you anything this would kill, like, if you said something like, you know, a guy like me, you know, something like, if. Even if I had a condom in my pocket.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, you still have that face. So it doesn't matter what the fuck's in your pocket, because they don't see the condom in the pocket. Yeah.

[Luke Schwartz]

It's just I'm.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's not the first thing they say. They're not seeing you and going, oh, this guy's safe.

[Luke Schwartz]

Still me, Right?

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're going, this guy looks like fucking Jeffrey Dahmer.

[Luke Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And anymore if he has a. If he has a condom in his pocket, he also has a corpse under the stairs or something like that. Like, I would. I would really talk about that. You look like a serial killer more often.

[Freddie Lockhart]

That is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's the vibe I want to put out there.

[Luke Schwartz]

It's like.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, you really got to acknowledge it. You got to talk about what it's like living life from.

[Redban]

I would say it doesn't work for me. I don't carry a condom in my pocket. I carry Mace.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I guess that's not the worst for innocent victims.

[Lil Bro]

Right.

[Luke Schwartz]

Just for fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is get raped.

[Iron Patriot]

Hey, at the end of the joke, you were talking about the only time you'd get to use it if you saw somebody getting raped and you put it on that guy. Is that what you were saying?

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yeah.

[Iron Patriot]

Sociopath. You're gonna put the peel on his banana.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. That's what that was all for.

[Luke Schwartz]

Just waiting for the end to say peel doing his.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's so blatant when he laughs in that suit. It's my new favorite thing.

[Redban]

But, yeah, the end. I completely confused on all that. Like, if you saw somebody getting, you know, sexually raped or whatever like that, that you would put the condom on him so he wouldn't feel it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was.

[Luke Schwartz]

That was the only way I could. Could use the condom.

[Redban]

And, like, you could find something funnier than that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's a really interesting reach that you're going for with that. But, you know, there. There might be something there like that. Because a condom is hard to put.

[Iron Patriot]

Somebody's getting raped.

[Luke Schwartz]

I'm not, like, concerned with the logistics so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was just doing. Going for the lack. Oh, my God. Patriot out of nowhere from Three Point. Well, I happen to know when I'm raping girls, it is not easy to put a condom on whatsoever.

[Redban]

So I keep it on all day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Like a real rapist.

[Iron Patriot]

I don't like condoms.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus Christ. I mean, duh.

[Luke Schwartz]

No one was like, that guy loves condoms.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Luke Schwartz, everybody. There. Yeah. That's fun, right?

[Redban]

Yeah, it's good. It's something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There would. What would Morgan Freeman say about Luke Schwartz?

[Frank Castillo]

That's.

[Freddie Lockhart]

What would he say?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Where are we at? Let's do one more out of the bucket. And then we're gonna move on to our final segment of this show. Hopefully Mike Glaser.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Mike Glazer.

[Mike Glazer]

Hey, what's up, y'?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All?

[Mike Glazer]

Growing up, well, I enjoyed doing magic. Yeah. Like a Jew who likes making coins appear all the time. Really fun to do. I'd pull them out of people's ears, which was nice, because then I'd get a quarter, and it felt good, and I enjoyed that idea. But then I was doing children's birthday parties in high school, and I wanted to try hypnotism. And no one would let me put their boy in a trance. So I don't know how they practice. How do hypnotism. Like, how do hypnotists practice? How do you get someone to nap? Or how do you get them to try napping? You can't just wave a watch like an asshole. No one Will want you to. No one wants to quack or bark against their control. 10,000 hours, I guess.

[Frank Castillo]

I don't know.

[Redban]

Alright.

[Mike Glazer]

That's what I'm working on right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Alright. A joke about hypnosis. And everybody in the room got very, very serious, sleepy. So it actually made sense. If you add that part to it and not. And not do any of the beginning stuff again. Cut out that 50 seconds that you just did. Just add the part. No, I'm kidding. Yeah. You talked about hypnosis and how they would practice. There's really not much. How long have you been doing stand up, Mike?

[Mike Glazer]

Five years.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at you. Interesting. Where are you from? Chicago. Nice. How long have you been here?

[Mike Glazer]

Two months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cool.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I like this place. That's fun.

[Iron Patriot]

Yeah.

[Mike Glazer]

So just come up and have everyone nap.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hypnosis.

[Redban]

Yeah. I mean, you could say I like the idea of like, how do you train? Hypnotic, you know, like, do you start off with just waving in somebody's face real close or you like. There's. There might be something there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like how many stopwatches do you have to go.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Freddie Lockhart]

How many drugs you have to actually use in the beginning before you can.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. How many roofies are you slipping personal

[Freddie Lockhart]

st before the placebo effect begins?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here, drink a little bit of this.

[Freddie Lockhart]

What is the idea of the setup though? Were you really a magician? Did you really do all that or.

[Mike Glazer]

Yeah, I love that. And it's in my mind. It's like, oh, protection of getting into a weird new thing by just talking about myself for a minute first.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yeah.

[Mike Glazer]

But I like the idea of like a lot of like getting people to nab against their will so I can get them to bark later.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you have bits about you doing magic and being a magician at some point?

[Mike Glazer]

I have a short story about a magician who kills himself.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That sounds fun. How long did you do magic for? Did you do magic for how long did you do it for?

[Mike Glazer]

Did it for like six years.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Are you still doing it? Do you go to the comedy and magic club up there on the hill?

[Mike Glazer]

I want to go there. I don't do magic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You haven't been there yet.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Can you do any magic for us right now?

[Mike Glazer]

If I had like some rubber bands, I could separate them and.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Okay. Cards maybe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you do anything with rubber bands?

[Freddie Lockhart]

Rubber bands?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Rubber bands around his condom.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Good one, Toby.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Redban]

To keep their hair out of their face.

[Freddie Lockhart]

He's got a good beard going on there, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it is. It's very sturdy.

[Freddie Lockhart]

He goes for the heavy mustache with the beard. I like that look. It's a good look. It's very well trained, like Tombstone, Arizona look.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like it. Yeah, it is.

[Freddie Lockhart]

He's like Wyatt Earp met Paul Simon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Totally.

[Redban]

Wait, so you trim a different length on your. When you have your mustache?

[Freddie Lockhart]

I have what's called the natural with

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the integrated mustache red band, you guys in your testosterone.

[Freddie Lockhart]

And I keep the mustache from growing over the lip, but I let the rest grow as it wants to.

[Redban]

Okay, Yeah, I cut the lip.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yeah, yeah.

[Redban]

Pretty lips. Both of us.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yeah, I do. They're full. I want to show them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck, do I grow a fucking beard?

[Freddie Lockhart]

Oh, it ain't happening by now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's just one of those things where it's like, how could this possibly be? And I'm still waiting for it. I'm 29 now, but I still think about it. It's like, what the fuck happened?

[Redban]

If you rub your.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm. I can do so many things.

[Redban]

If you rub your face on my ass crack, it will probably grow and within two days. Brian rubbish down.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I would expect that from the Patriot.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Brian the Patriot speaking.

[Iron Patriot]

I heard you describe it on the Ice House Chronicles. And you say it grows out. It just grows out in patches.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Iron Patriot]

So it's like. It's very interesting that that happens.

[Redban]

You don't want to be hairy, man. You don't want to be hairy because, I mean, Freddy looks like he's lucky he has. He's not too hairy like on the back and in the chest or anything like that. But usually if you're hairy up in the face, you're usually hairy everywhere. You get older, you get starts going everywhere. I saw an ear hair the other day.

[Freddie Lockhart]

That fro I got lots of ears

[Redban]

freaked me the out.

[Mike Glazer]

Your arms are smooth so you can

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

wear like, oh, this guy's about to butt you, bro.

[Freddie Lockhart]

He's liking what he sees. I keep the hand down a little bit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Keep it going for my Glazer.

[Freddie Lockhart]

I like my good stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, definitely. Keep rocking, man.

[Freddie Lockhart]

There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's on Twitter at Glazer. Boo hoo hoo. We're now going to move on to our final portion of the show. As always, we have two regular very funny ladies who do a minute each every single week since the inception. Put your hands together for, as always, your first of the two, the one and only Sarah Mostajabi.

[Sarah Mostajabi]

I was getting ready to go out on a date last week, and I realized I was spending entirely too much time trying to pick out a pair of panties. Guys don't fucking care you don't fucking care. It doesn't matter. This guy's about to spend $19 on a couple Big Macs and a pack of Zima's for what, A fucking pair of panties? I don't think so. It's not about that. Guys, unfortunately, don't have it that easy. It's a little creepier with you guys. Kind of where you wear the little white paper envelope. Please don't bring that out. That's terrifying. Or the plaid boxers. No one wants to fight a fortress of plaid fabric to get to a dick. That's not good. Just maybe. Maybe throw in some boxer briefs and call it a day. Make it easy for everybody. Make it less creepy. That's all I got, you guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There she is. Sarah Mustachabi with the underwear stuff. That's interesting. Yeah.

[Redban]

What was the first part like? Guys, don't spend. What was the first part?

[Sarah Mostajabi]

The first part is talking about I spend way too much. I was, like, literally last week, like, trying to pick out underwear, and I don't know why, because it. Like, it doesn't fucking matter. Like, why would I even.

[Redban]

Well, it's. Did you wear that underwear or on purpose or is that just the most beautiful vagina I've ever seen in my life?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. I mean, you are really fucking rocking it tonight. Holy shit. You don't want to wear pants when you're performing on stage. That. I mean. Oh. Oh.

[Redban]

It's like a mouth breather.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you can clearly see it sucking in right now. It's blatant. It looks like. It looks like.

[Iron Patriot]

Is it capital?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yes, Patriot. I'm pretty sure that you wished it to come true. Yeah, it's. It's. A camel toe would be a. A light way of putting it. It's more of a camel's hoof. There's, like, multiple toes, and it's basically almost a camel's arm.

[Freddie Lockhart]

It's not offensive, though. I don't. I'm not offended.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no, not at all.

[Frank Castillo]

It's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's fine.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Captivated.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's fine. And it's great, but it's definitely not professional. You know what I mean? Like, you wouldn't want to. Nobody's got.

[Redban]

It's hypnotic, though.

[Freddie Lockhart]

It is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, yeah, that's the point is that when you're doing stand up, you don't want people daydreaming at your vagina. I mean, guys are gonna stare at that and chicks are gonna hate you because especially when you're talking about underwear

[Redban]

is what I'm saying.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's like A really interesting pair of pants that you're wearing because not only does it accentuate the camel toe, but the front is almost completely missing.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Of these pants.

[Redban]

Sexy as far.

[Freddie Lockhart]

She's super fucking cute. And that's what takes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Of course. But I'm just saying those pants make it look like she got raped by Freddy Krueger. They're cut up. I mean, it's adorable. But we, we've talked about this before. Like, you know, I mean, if you're as far as doing stand up, then you gotta dress the part in some way. And that's definitely. I mean, that's the last. I mean, anyone who I know that's succeeding on the female end of doing stand up. What was that laugh?

[Freddie Lockhart]

I was getting a picture though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, jerk off said it. But yeah, it's not a professional pair of pants. I would, I would work on the pants. I really didn't notice that.

[Redban]

It is. I mean, it's very. Like I would sit there, but damn, that shit's sexy as. And I wouldn't be thinking like what you're talking about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Totally. You gotta dress the part. Yeah. You gotta almost too sexy. You gotta almost. Yeah, you gotta almost dress like a boy to do stand up. Yeah. There she is, Sarah Mostajabi. We gotta fly, baby.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Freddie Lockhart]

And it can go both ways. If Brady were up here wearing a thong, it would be hard to. Girl would not listen to him. Look at his fucking right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If I was wearing those pants, I'd be in big trouble.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Put your hands together for your next comedian. As always, the one and only Kimberly Congdon.

[Kimberly Congdon]

Hey there. My mom thinks I'm immature. She called me the other day and she's like, kimberly, you don't know anything. You don't know what's happening in the world. You need to grow up. I'm like, mom, I watch the news and I'm not immature. There are some really serious things happening. I'm not kidding. I'm being Syria. She's like, that's not funny. I'm like, okay, Mom, I know what's going on. Like CBS and Time Warner had that little battle, right? They had a month long blackout. Did you know that? Yeah, big deal. I did that my freshman year of college. She's like, you are so immature. You don't know what's going on. I'm like, okay, I might be immature, but you have a really big problem with Jewish people. So I'm gonna get off the phone.

[Sarah Mostajabi]

That's it.

[Redban]

Good job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Always good, short, sweet, thunderous jokes. You've packed them into one format of which you're talking to your mom. It's an easy outlet to unlock three topical jokes. While the only thing I would add to it is acknowledge that your mom is right. Puerto Rican. Right. I would acknowledge that. From the top, you know that it's always interesting listening to your mom because then that'll make that pop a little bit. Because people are like, you know, it's just a little. Normally I say trim stuff and make jokes shorter, but with that, it's just to throw that in there on that front end so that people aren't surprised when they hear a stronger accent. But other than that, that's very impressive. You're. You're killing it, Kimberly. Every. Every week with a new minute. And great job to both you and Sarah. Dresses.

[Redban]

Good job covering your vagina so I can't see it.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Also.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There she goes. Freddie, anything you want to promote?

[Freddie Lockhart]

I'm on Twitter now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, really?

[Freddie Lockhart]

Actually, I've been for a while. Freddie Lockhart on Twitter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Awesome. Freddie Lockhart on Twitter.

[Freddie Lockhart]

My podcast on Wednesdays at 6pm Toad hop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then that's what's good.

[Freddie Lockhart]

That's what's good. But most importantly, find me on PlayStation 3 if you think you're the shit of Call of Duty Black Ops. I will fuck you up, son. Come Grand Theft Auto and Grand Theft Auto, I will drive by, shoot and pepper your ass up like it's nobody's business. And don't try to be my friend on the online world. Very nice guy in real life, but I will shoot you in your face online. My name is Mr. Majestic, which is a Charles Bronson movie. Look it up, because that's who I am, is Mr. Fucking Majestic 187 on PlayStation 3. Thank you very much. And the champ. The fucking champ.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Thank you for having me on this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Definitely. Pleasure to have you. Please keep that fantasy football belt nice and clean because I'll be taking it from you in just two months.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Oh, you want to be my hype man? Carry it around for me. That's awesome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no, no.

[Freddie Lockhart]

You're so busy and you're.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I actually open up against you on Sunday.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Oh, good luck to you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The Dead Kid Timmy vs. The Hinchcliffe winners Sunday in fantasy football comic Patriot is omicpatriot on Twitter. He's the iron Patriot here. He's one of the coolest guys in the world at Redban Onyhinchcliffe. We're going to Phoenix the 26th.

[Redban]

Thursday will be at Stand Up Live. Go to stamplive.com the following day, we'll be in Ohio with Tom Zagura and Christina Pajitzki. Go to Death Squad TV, guys. Thanks a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm in Winnipeg the 12th and the 13th. Thank you.

[Freddie Lockhart]

Well, he should have been La Jolla next weekend. Sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Music played on People sang just for me the church bells range.