KILL TONY #15

Summary

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Kill Tony #15 – October 2, 2013

Hosts: Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban
Guests: Fahim Anwar, Gerard Carmichael
Regulars: Sarah Mostajabi, Kimberly Congdon
Featured: Iron Patriot (house band personality)
Location: The Comedy Store, LA

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Episode Overview

This lively episode of Kill Tony, recorded at the Comedy Store, features regular host banter, comedy community camaraderie, and the signature Kill Tony formula: up-and-coming comics perform for one minute, then get real-time, unfiltered feedback from a panel of established comedians. Guests Fahim Anwar and Gerard Carmichael bring sharp wit and insights, while the ever-eccentric Iron Patriot provides plenty of memorable moments. The episode celebrates the show’s growing Death Squad fan community and is packed with riffing, roast-style advice, audience interaction, and behind-the-scenes glimpses into the realities of standup comedy.

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Key Segments & Discussion Highlights

1. Death Squad Community & Merch Mayhem

[02:24 – 08:38]

• The live audience includes superfans, with JR Steiner showing off limited-edition Kill Tony shirts. This sparks a playful, nerdy debate about the comic book vs. movie versions of Iron Patriot (cue a hilarious tangent about copyright and comic lore).
• Notable quote:
  "The Iron Patriot in the movies...I’m Norman Osborn, the one that fought against Green Goblin. I’m the comic book Iron Patriot." – Iron Patriot [04:08]

2. Iron Patriot’s Weekly “Excitement”

[08:55 – 14:39]

• The Iron Patriot, ever unpredictable, shares stories about being on “Criminal Minds” and past experiences on “Hannah Montana,” including a strange fixation on feet and criticisms of Miley Cyrus’ grammar.
• The panel teases out his quirky catchphrases and robotic “twitch” (explained as a nervous habit his mom dislikes but which the hosts find endearing and “robotic”).
• Patriot shares his presidential ambitions, “I’m thinking about running for president in 2016…My platform would be: Protect the feet.” [14:03]

3. Behind the Scenes of Roast Writing

[11:07 – 12:01]

• Iron Patriot asks about Tony’s process writing for Comedy Central Roasts.
• Tony describes a blend of collaborative joke writing, workshopping, and tailoring jokes for each comedian’s persona.

4. The Dirty Crabber Backstory

[12:10 – 22:26]

• The Iron Patriot shares tales of his past as a band member in “Dirty Crabber,” handing out bananas on stage for the song “Share My Banana,” and launching into lyrics.
• Tony clarifies the band’s comedic legacy and references prior episode lore about “accidentally racist” content.
• Recurrent gag: Iron Patriot refers to black women as “female brothers,” an odd regionalism that the panel exploits for comedic effect.

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5. THE OPEN MIC BUCKET

Format:

Each comic gets 60 seconds. If they go long, “the cat meows” cue is followed by the “angry West Hollywood bear.” After each set, Tony and the panel deliver critiques—brutal, honest, sometimes helpful, always funny.

A. Jessamine ([25:07–31:07])

• Struggles with stage presence and projection. The panel can’t hear her jokes but riff on her persona and “adorable” Twitter handle.
• "You have like a bunch of pain that you’re masking with adorableness. Once you get to the shit that your father did, it’s gonna be great." – Gerard Carmichael [30:29]

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B. Pete Christian Hessing ([32:20–40:49])

• Jamaican accent, meandering thoughts (“Why not have a star for Jesus or love or peace?”). Panel prods his unique vibe and calls him both a "cowboy and an Indian."
• Comic and panel riff: “Give a million dollars to everyone and banks collapse” / Cowboy-Indian hybrid.
• Fahim asks about his day job; turns out Pete is a DJ/radio host in LA.

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C. Paul Aliyah ([41:32–48:27])

• Stand-up topics: “Fast & Furious” movies, hitting on girls at red lights, and catcalling out of his Nissan Altima.
• Tony and the group riff about his black comic cadence and the social economics of picking up girls from a car (“picking up 4s on four wheels”).
• "You need to come out and say ‘I’m a douchebag. Here’s what I do.’” – Tony Hinchcliffe [44:32]

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D. Michelle Westford ([57:23–62:56])

• Engaged three years, jokes about online dating and “circusfolk.com.”
• Fahim: focus jokes, dig deeper, less surface-level.
• Extended riff on why she keeps delaying her wedding.

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E. Kevin Fart ([64:00–70:25])

• Jokes about having to pay for daughter’s wedding (“I’ve already given you permission to bang my daughter for eternity…”).
• Panel notes he has a unique stage persona and delivery.
• Revealed: Kevin is Persian; Fahim, as a fellow Middle Easterner, notes he enjoys seeing minority comedians not making that their only angle.

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F. Aaron Marsh ([73:21–79:48])

• Comics look at his tattoos—especially a Malcolm X portrait.
• Discuss how tattoos intended to impress women sometimes only attract fellow nerds.
• Gerard: “I love the fact that you learned so much from Malcolm X and you’re like, ‘You know what Malcolm would love? If a white dude tattooed his face on his body.’” [74:29]
• The group also riffs on childhood poetry about Martin Luther King.

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6. Iron Patriot: Unfiltered Confessions

[49:14–56:09]

• Patriot bizarrely admits he hasn’t had sex since 2004 and details his sexual history including foot fetishes, playing with women’s feet watching “Friends,” and even stories of bestiality with a dog (“put Hershey chocolate on my banana…cocker spaniel licked it off”).
• The panel reacts in disbelief and horror:
  • "Wait—what?" – Tony [54:13]
  • "You’re not supposed to feed dogs chocolate. They're more concerned about the dog eating chocolate than it sucking his dick!” – Fahim [54:45]
  • "I know you’re going to think I’m a creepy and weird now…but it wasn’t that big a deal.” – Iron Patriot [55:29]

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7. Regular Sets: Sarah Mostajabi & Kimberly Congdon

Sarah Mostajabi ([81:07–85:52])

• Jokes about sneezing as “one-tenth of an orgasm,” strip clubs, and awkward lesbian dating.
• Panel likes her presence, but Fahim and Tony encourage developing clearer transitions and more depth: “A setup is always just as important as the punchline.” [82:18]

Kimberly Congdon ([86:41–88:55])

• Jokes on comic’s diet, dating, being a “seven who thinks she’s a ten.”
• Massive praise for poise and presence despite only doing stand-up for about 2.5 months.
• "Probably the best performance by anyone all night…Everything comes across so naturally." – Tony [87:56]
• "I legitimately like you. Really, really good." – Gerard Carmichael [88:11]

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Memorable Quotes

• “The bad guy always wins. Me killing you is just perfect symbolism for the times.” — Iron Patriot [03:41]
• “You could play both sides in Cowboys and Indians…solitaire style!” — Tony to Pete Christian Hessing [35:09]
• “He can’t even keep a shirt safe sitting next to him, but he wants to be President.” — Tony on Iron Patriot [06:34]
• “If a girl isn’t attracted to you, it doesn’t matter if you fly her to the moon.” — Iron Patriot [77:32]

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Notable Moments

• Iron Patriot’s Confessions: The show veers into darkly comic territory with confessions of foot fetishes, failed hookups, dog/vacuum stories, and a “dry spell” since 2004.
• Bestiality Bit: The podcast almost comes to a halt as the room reacts in horror and disbelief to stories of canine “encounters”—one of the most insane podcast moments.
• Comedy Advice: The episode constantly loops back into practical (though often harsh) advice for developing comics: be authentic, develop transitions, find your unique voice, and don’t be afraid to “go deeper.”
• Community Vibe: The hosts and panel, despite their ribbing, foster camaraderie—sharing their own early career struggles, memories of riding bikes to gigs and the weirdness of comedy open mics.

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Notable Timestamps

• Iron Patriot’s “Presidential Platform”: [14:03]
• First full stand-up set (Jessamine): [25:07–31:07]
• Patriot’s “dry spell” confession: [49:27–56:09]
• Patriot’s bestiality confession: [54:13]
• Kevin Fart’s set: [64:00–70:25]
• Sarah Mostajabi’s set: [81:07–85:52]
• Kimberly Congdon’s set: [86:41–88:55]

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Panel & Guest Chemistry

• Fahim Anwar & Gerard Carmichael: Both bring thoughtful, punchy critiques and smooth on-the-fly riffing. Gerard, especially, blends empathy with hard truths, earning big laughs with understated punchlines.
• Iron Patriot: Both muse and wildcard, providing comedic detours, cringe-inducing anecdotes, and quotable weirdness.

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Tone & Style

True to Kill Tony’s roots—raw, rapid-fire, unscripted, and occasionally riding the line of good taste. Brash, brutally honest, and occasionally absurd, the show spotlights the struggles and randomness of comedy, leavened with moments of genuine community and encouragement.

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Summary Takeaways

• This episode’s heart is in the honest, difficult growth of fledgling comics—juxtaposed with the wisdom, horror, and camaraderie of established comedians.
• The Iron Patriot’s unpredictable antics steal the show, at times derailing segments with TMI tales—but offering unforgettable, uniquely Kill Tony podcast theater.
• Excellent mix of advice, roasting, and genuine affection for the struggle of comedy.

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For More:

• @FahimAnwar: Twitter & GoatfaceComedy.com
• @ComicPatriot: Iron Patriot on Twitter
• @GerardCarmichael: Catch him live and on TV (no social plugs given)
• Regulars: @SarahDresses and @KimberlyCongdon

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If you love unfiltered comedy, behind-the-scenes stories, and a live look at how comics make a joke work (or not), Kill Tony #15 is a wild, comedy club ride.

Transcript

[Red Band]

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Deathsquad tv. Check out our T shirt store, Shopsquad tv. That's where you have the official Death Squad kitty cat T shirt. It's a limited edition shirt, so get it before it sells out, because once it sells out, it's gone forever. Also, me and Tony are coming to Phoenix, Arizona, this Thursday, September 26th. This is an important show. This is the first time Death Squad has come to Phoenix. We're trying to impress everyone there so we could start coming back on the regular, bringing new Death Squad comics there. So please, take your friends, sisters, cousins, roommates, moms, whatever. We don't give a shit. Just go to standuplive.com to get your tickets for September 26th, Thursday, this Thursday. And then the following day, me and Tony are flying to Columbus, Ohio, our home state. We're being joined by Tom Segura, his home state, and Christina Pazicki, who does not come from Ohio. Anyways, we're gonna be doing a comedy show and tickets are on sale. It's at The Woodlands Backyard, 27th of September. Go to Death Squad TV for the links. And then finally, the LA Pod Fest, the first week in October. Go to lapodfest.com so you can see a live version of Kill Tony. This is the first time we're doing it outside of the Comedy Store, and it's going to be fun. We're going to have some pretty cool guest celebs, and you'll get to see this in a different environment. So check us out. We're also doing a Kevin Pereira pointless at the LA Podfest. LA podfest.com and now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is right Ben coming to you live from the Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Everybody, welcome. How are you guys doing tonight? Holy shit. There's a big crowd here tonight. A shout out to the Death Squad fans that are out here. Hey, guys, how are you? Welcome.

[Red Band]

There's a plethora of them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My homeboy, J.R. steiner is wearing the greatest T shirt I've ever seen in my entire life. J.R. will you come up here real quick and show this thing off?

[Red Band]

Yeah, it's badass. But there's controversy about it. But it's badass.

[Fahim Anwar]

Controversy.

[Aaron Marsh]

Hello.

[Paul Aliyah]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at this fucking Kill Tony shirt. Ladies and gentlemen, will you please?

[J.R. Steiner]

So since discovering the Joe Rogan podcast and with Brian's help, we've created, like, this little community we call Death Squad. Can I raise this motherfucker?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah, you can.

[J.R. Steiner]

And there's like eight of us here right now, and we flew from all over the country. And so what I wanted to do was get some shirts together for us, so I came up with this idea. Like, the Iron Patriot thing is definitely like a. You know, it's like a thing only the fans will get, you know what I mean? So I wanted to surprise these guys. So, yeah, here's a shirt. We'll never actually be able to sell it because of copywriting, but this is it, man. So we fucking love you guys. Kill Tony, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you so much. And put your hands together for J.R. steiner and the Death Squad Nation, everybody.

[Red Band]

But what we should do real quick, though, is stay up on stage real quick, because let's introduce the Iron Patriot because there is controversy about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, the Iron Patriot is here. Everyone.

[Iron Patriot]

For every life you save, there's a million new ways to die.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's one of his.

[Iron Patriot]

I am the Iron Patriot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's one of his many catchphrases. Patriot. You have any new catchphrases this week?

[Iron Patriot]

Just between me and you, here's my little secret. The bad guy always wins. Me killing you is just perfect symbolism for the times.

[Red Band]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, that's a long catchphrase.

[Iron Patriot]

Tony. Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Iron Patriot]

I'm happy that J.R. took the time to make the T shirt, but something's bothering me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, what's bothering you, Patriot? Is it the fact that. Is it the fact that JR is somewhat black?

[Iron Patriot]

No, no.

[J.R. Steiner]

What do you call them last week? Female brothers.

[Iron Patriot]

You know? You know, I don't like the Iron Patriot in the movies. I don't like the Don Cheadle, the War Machine. I'm Norman Osborn, the one that fought against Green Goblin. I'm the comic book Iron Patriot.

[J.R. Steiner]

It's the thought that counts though, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Iron Patriot]

Oh, I love it. I love it. I love that you did it.

[J.R. Steiner]

I could have put anybody on this shirt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I could have put anybody.

[Iron Patriot]

Photoshop or me. Maybe we won't get in copyright thing because I don't look exactly like anything, really. I like the comic book, but not the movie.

[J.R. Steiner]

I'm sorry I didn't get it right. I did my best, though.

[Iron Patriot]

It's beautiful. But it's just that that kind of strikes a chord with me because I've talked with Tony about that before. He knows how I feel about that Patriot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the difference exactly, in the logistics between the comic book Patriot and the Patriot that's on the shirt?

[Iron Patriot]

There's this whole great story of how it's Norman Osborn that fought against. He was Green Goblin. He fought against Spider Man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But why does anybody care who's underneath the suit?

[Iron Patriot]

But they had to change the story because in the movies, the. The people, different people own the rights. The. The Marvel owns the movie rights. And. And the different people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the are you talking about right now? Patriot?

[Paul Aliyah]

What are.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you. What are you.

[Red Band]

I get it, Tony. I get it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You get what he's saying.

[Iron Patriot]

I don't want to sound like I don't appreciate it. I mean, he did a great job.

[J.R. Steiner]

Three episodes ago, you started getting real Hollywood on us.

[Gerard Carmichael]

What's going on here?

[Iron Patriot]

I know, I just.

[Red Band]

Iron Patriot. Do you remember the old Tom and Jerry when it used to be awesome and then they made that new Tom and Jerry that look. Everyone looked really weird on it.

[Iron Patriot]

Yeah.

[Red Band]

Is it like the same thing to you?

[Iron Patriot]

Yeah, it's just when they. When they change a story that you're so passionate about. See, I didn't even know they were going to have it in the movie till like a year ago. You know, they came out that with pictures that the Iron Patriot was going to be in the movie. Before that. The guy that made the costume for me, we didn't even know it was going to be in Iron Man 3. And then it was kind of a shock when we saw they changed the story up because we were so in love with the story.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So who are we? Who was in love with this story?

[Iron Patriot]

The guy that sculpted the costume in Norway. My friend John.

[J.R. Steiner]

Where's that Hollywood bear at that comes

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

when people run the light?

[Iron Patriot]

I was saying to JR I would like to maybe somebody in the crowd maybe get a shirt.

[J.R. Steiner]

Yeah, absolutely. Should we do like a contest? Like maybe trivia? Can you think of a quick trivia?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, I thought there was only one shirt and that it was for me.

[J.R. Steiner]

No, no, I brought like 12 of them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you really?

[J.R. Steiner]

There's only eight claims. So if you want to give. You want to do like a quick trivia loser?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, well, I.

[J.R. Steiner]

Where the hell did that come from? Is there a ghost, a 13 year old ghost in here?

[Iron Patriot]

Do you have mine? You want to give it to me? Because I want to put it over here so I'll have it.

[Aaron Marsh]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's like you're going to possibly be able to keep an eye on a shirt that's sitting next to you.

[Iron Patriot]

Can I put it over here by Kimberly? I want to see if. Just put it there and then I'll

[Red Band]

grab it when I Kimberly will steal it and rip it up and make it sexy.

[Iron Patriot]

She needs her own shirt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Iron Patriot]

Let me see what size is. Let me see if you got the right size.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you gonna wear it over your suit or no?

[Iron Patriot]

No, no, no.

[Red Band]

Don't want to stretch it out with those sweet asses.

[Iron Patriot]

Can you hold that up? I want to see how big it is. Because I'll kind of see if it's the right size.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, why don't we take care of this after the show?

[J.R. Steiner]

Also, I brought Tony's new stickers. They're really shiny. Golden pony. They're extremely flamboyant. I don't know. Can zoom with that camera, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like everything of extremely flamboyant.

[J.R. Steiner]

Yeah, it's really. It's super shiny. So if you guys want stickers, I brought a ton. Just come up to me and I'll.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is so cool.

[J.R. Steiner]

Give everybody stickers. I mean, I have a bunch in here, so I got you guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

J R Steiner, everybody powering the merch of greats like Tony Hinchcliff, Joey Diaz, and Brody Stevens. A great soul. Yeah.

[Iron Patriot]

Thank you very much. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Patriots.

[Iron Patriot]

Gonna sit there, and I'll grab

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the best. When he just gets real.

[Red Band]

We need to get him one of those fanny packs.

[Iron Patriot]

I used to have one with my own. My old costume before I got this, I actually had a red fanny pack. A colonial red.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I do not find that hard to believe at all. I can picture a red fanny pack on that thing. Now it seems like it's getting a little dusty. Do you polish that ever?

[Iron Patriot]

I told you it came dirty. But you know what? I think it's good that the white's dirty, because in the pictures, my eyes wouldn't really show up if the white was too bright all over. I really think it's designed for pictures, because if you look at me in the pictures, my eyes kind of have a different white than the face. If the chest and everything was too bright, you wouldn't see my lights. I mean, maybe I'm just trying to rationalize, but I really think that's true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think you're trying to rationalize a bit, Tony.

[Iron Patriot]

You know, you see my pictures, they look good.

[Red Band]

He knows he looks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What pictures are we talking about?

[Red Band]

Pictures on Instagram and Twitter. What? He's saying they look pretty badass. And the dirt is actually a good contrast between the lights of his eyes.

[Iron Patriot]

Red bands. Getting what I'm saying. Thank you.

[Red Band]

I dig you, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why don't you guys go bot fuck somewhere already?

[Fahim Anwar]

Hey,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck yeah, Patriot. Anything Else exciting happen this week? Do you smoke any pot or anything? Any deep thoughts with the Patriot?

[Iron Patriot]

Yeah, I was. Was in a. I was on Criminal Minds and I was in the 16th century at a, like a witch Salem witch thing in Massachusetts. And they dressed me in 16th century clothing and made me real dirty. They even made my teeth yellow. I didn't like it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, for the show.

[Iron Patriot]

I have no problem keeping my teeth white without them putting that shit on there.

[Red Band]

What do they use to make it yellow?

[Iron Patriot]

Just. I don't know. It tastes weird too. I try to tell them that I don't need it, but they. They put it on there. There was some cute girls, though, dressed in that 16th century clothing though. There really were.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Were their feet exposed?

[Iron Patriot]

No, but I saw their cute faces and everything and I can. Imagination. I can imagine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What'd you think of your girl Miley Twerking?

[Iron Patriot]

I like. I like to watch her twerk. But, you know, I told you the story when I was on Hannah Montana. She don't have nice feet. It shocked me too. I know. I couldn't believe it either, Tony. I couldn't believe it.

[Gerard Carmichael]

Heck yeah.

[Iron Patriot]

She got such a cute face.

[Red Band]

Have you seen that new video that was released?

[Iron Patriot]

You know, there's some bad grammar in that video.

[Red Band]

Which one?

[Iron Patriot]

The one. You know how she says we run things? Things don't run we. That's not correct grammar. It should be things, we run things, things don't run us.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's got your left arm twitching, I noticed. Quite a bit.

[Iron Patriot]

I gotta stop doing that, Tony. That's what my mom says. I always twitch. Damn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Gotta be.

[Iron Patriot]

You keep telling me when I do that because I gotta correct that. It's a bad habit. I can't do that anymore. I'm a superhero. I can't be looking like a twitcher.

[Red Band]

But. But can we just say, honestly, as a robot, it works. It looks like you're kind of like, you know, redoing something or rebooting. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I always wondered if it was part of your, like, robotic type of. I always wondered if it was the suit or something. But now that you've admitted that, your mom's always told you that you need to control your arm twitching.

[Iron Patriot]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think it adds a great element because it makes you so human in a way.

[Iron Patriot]

Yeah. Hey, Tony, can I ask you about that roast? I was watching that roast on Comedy Central. Yes, it was very hard to watch it because they keep showing this movie Neighbors, like, over and over, like about 20 times. You see that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you mean it was hard

[Iron Patriot]

to watch it, I'm saying I was watching all my clips of my favorite comedians, Jeff Ross and Sarah Silverman. How do they distribute those jokes? You know, you write those jokes. How do they determine which one of your jokes go to which comedian and stuff?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a very interesting, long process. A lot of it has to do with the comedians coming up with their own sort of take on the situation, what they want to get through that night. A lot of them write it themselves. A lot of them write it with us in a room. Sometimes we write them in a room and just write these crazy fucking jokes that turn into. I mean, everybody knows a great one when they see it, so then sometimes they do. You know, we just deal them out accordingly. But it's an interesting different type of process that never has a rhyme or reason, but. Good question.

[Iron Patriot]

Cool, cool. I appreciate hearing that behind the scenes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I mean, you asked me, so you really didn't give me much of a choice.

[Iron Patriot]

Yes, yes, I was interested in that, Tony. I'd like to thank you guys because people are watching the dirty crabber videos on YouTube now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, they are the hits up.

[Iron Patriot]

They're seeing. They're all death squad fans. They're saying iron patriot now.

[Red Band]

Do you still talk to all the crabbers?

[Iron Patriot]

I. I've been in contact with them the last couple weeks because I've been telling them to watch these. This show I'm on, that they're. They're really featuring dirty crabber.

[Red Band]

Did you have a fallout with one of them?

[Iron Patriot]

No, not really. I mean, I'm the guitar player in Dallas. I still know him. The saxophone player lives there. Got him. The drummer lives in Las Vegas. So, you know, I keep in contact with him pretty good. It's the drummer, a girl that lives in Hollywood. That was one of the seafood Review. One of my dancer girls.

[Red Band]

Wait, what are they called?

[Iron Patriot]

The seafood review.

[Red Band]

How many girls were there?

[Iron Patriot]

I had eight different girls that dance with me at different times.

[Red Band]

Can you bring one of the girls to a show one time?

[Iron Patriot]

Yeah, I've been trying to work on that, but the one girl I want to bring that I. That she wants money.

[Red Band]

Are we talking $10, $20?

[Iron Patriot]

I don't know, but I just told her we're all working for free to try to build this show up. We don't. Nobody's getting paid yet, you know, and she. And then the other girl, she wants to bring her young daughter to dance with her. And this club's 21. The real. The real Seafood Review. She has a daughter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you've talked with the other dirty crab.

[Iron Patriot]

Remember, they're feeling the feeling like it could come back. We could bring it back. Dirty crabber in 2013, when he gets

[Red Band]

excited, it's when he flinches. Yeah.

[Iron Patriot]

I feel good about my career, Tony. I think I'm gonna have a house in Malibu.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, we can tell. Look at that left arm go.

[Iron Patriot]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you say you think you're gonna have a house in Malibu again? Yes.

[Iron Patriot]

I'll be living next to Robert Downey.

[Gerard Carmichael]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And that would be like a perfect Iron Patriot, Iron man type of thing. Now I'm trying to get him excited so that he does it again.

[Iron Patriot]

That's an odd out, Tony. I'm thinking about running for president in 2016.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa.

[Iron Patriot]

The country needs me right now. We need a change.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What would be your. What would be your main platform?

[Iron Patriot]

Protect the feet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Patriot.

[Red Band]

Who's Your Vice President? Dr. Scholz.

[Iron Patriot]

No more high heels. No more of that crazy that makes the bunions and hurts the feet. Protect the feet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you are one excited little patriot tonight, aren't you?

[Iron Patriot]

Yes. I'm glad. I mean, I have to thank you guys. You guys are the ones that made this all happen for me. And I don't say enough to you, Tony and Redband, thank you very much for this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, we're happy to have you, Patriot. You excited about our guests tonight?

[Iron Patriot]

Oh, yeah. I saw them both on the Willie Hunter show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bring them up, ladies and gentlemen. You guys ready to get this thing started or what? My guest tonight, two guys. Literally two of the smartest, funniest, most awesome people that I know. These guys are unbelievable. And it's an absolute miracle that I'm such a badass motherfucker that I'm able to get these two guys on my show at the same time. So what do you say we just bring him up? Put your hands together for this guy. He has his own amazing comedy group called the Goat Face Comedy. Truly hilarious. You can catch him almost every single night of the week here at the Comedy Store. Put your hands together for the one and only Faheem Anwar Monster and our other guest. Hello. One of the most amazing rising talents in the entire world. A great friend. Me and this guy started together. One of the funniest guys. If you don't know him, you're going to the one and only Gerard Carmichael, everybody. Hell yeah. Yes. I can't tell you how excited I am to have you two guys with me with Red Band and with the Iron Patriot.

[Fahim Anwar]

Excited to be here.

[Iron Patriot]

How's it going, guys?

[Gerard Carmichael]

Great. This is great.

[Aaron Marsh]

I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know about the Iron Patriots.

[Gerard Carmichael]

I don't know about that.

[Iron Patriot]

Something confused me. I have to ask you guys about.

[Fahim Anwar]

Okay.

[Iron Patriot]

I saw both of you on YouTube today on the Willie Hunter show.

[Fahim Anwar]

Okay. You did your homework.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Iron Patriot]

Tony's got me working every week. I'm working hard to keep this job. But anyway.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. We have an aluminum patriot that applied last week.

[Iron Patriot]

Didn't you? I enjoyed your dance routine.

[Fahim Anwar]

Thank you.

[Iron Patriot]

You had long hair.

[Fahim Anwar]

Yeah.

[Iron Patriot]

And your name was Lance Can't Stoppolis.

[Fahim Anwar]

That's true. Yeah.

[Iron Patriot]

Now, when did the change occur that you have a new name and you cut your hair.

[Fahim Anwar]

I love that you think that's who the real me is. You had this crazy mullet and a wife beater. Who's this clean cut guy? It's. It's a character that I play.

[Iron Patriot]

Oh. I enjoyed the dancing. You're very, very talented.

[Fahim Anwar]

He's like, I like that guy better than this guy over here. Bring him back.

[Iron Patriot]

I have something to ask you. Jarrod.

[Gerard Carmichael]

Yes.

[Iron Patriot]

I noticed on Twitter that your handle is Notorious Rod.

[Gerard Carmichael]

Yeah.

[Iron Patriot]

Does that mean that your penis is well known and famous?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Patriot. You son of a bit. I bet you I almost beat the shit out of you for asking him that just then.

[Iron Patriot]

He's a Notorious Rod.

[Gerard Carmichael]

Do I have to answer that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. No, you don't. You're 0 for 1 with questions with Jerrod. The Iron Patriot is our head of security here.

[Iron Patriot]

Jerrod, I learned you're from North Carolina.

[Gerard Carmichael]

Yes.

[Iron Patriot]

I saw that interview. And you worked at a shoe store.

[Gerard Carmichael]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Gerard Carmichael]

That's kind of creepy, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Gerard Carmichael]

Yeah. Thank you, though.

[Iron Patriot]

I really enjoyed that joke on YouTube of you talking about the war that's going on at Chicka Fil.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A chicka chicken filet. The entire word Chicka Filet.

[Gerard Carmichael]

I wish. I feel bad. I wish I would have. I would have known more about you.

[Iron Patriot]

You can read up on me too, if you want to go to my Twitter. Look at my pictures.

[Fahim Anwar]

I feel like he baited you into.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Fahim Anwar]

Funny you should ask. You can.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'll check it out. Man.

[Gerard Carmichael]

I want to check it out. I feel like, you know, owe you one.

[Iron Patriot]

I'm glad you guys are here tonight. I mean, it's a really good family we got here. I love when Tony brings his friends so I can meet them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Heck, yeah. I saw two arm twitches on that one. Which means he's really excited. He bought this $4,000 suit. Right?

[Fahim Anwar]

It's amazing.

[Iron Patriot]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And it was shipped from what country?

[Iron Patriot]

From Norway.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

From Norway.

[Iron Patriot]

It took a year and a half. I didn't know if I was gonna get it. There was many delays, legal issues, and health problems with the sculptor. But I finally got it. I didn't know if I would ever get it. And even. Even over a year ago, I was dreaming to come to Death Squad. And I wanted to come meet Red Band because I knew he would love Dirty Crabber. Like three or four years ago, I knew he would love the Dirty Crabber,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But I had no way to get

[Iron Patriot]

it to him because I could have sent it, but he's not going to pay attention to. To me, you know, I couldn't. I couldn't get him. It was so frustrating because I couldn't get him the music. And I knew he loved the Crabber.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The Dirty Crabber is a band that. The Iron Patriot.

[Fahim Anwar]

I wanted to ask so bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was a band he was in. In Texas when he was growing up. And their big hit song, it was Peel that Banana.

[Iron Patriot]

Oh, Share My Banana.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Share My Banana, really? In which he would hand out bananas to everybody in the audience. He would throw them at him at first, and then he would start this song, and it's. It's accidentally racist, you know, Tom, if

[Iron Patriot]

you keep going down this route with me, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton are gonna come for me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, what's this? Patriot? Yeah,

[Iron Patriot]

His name is Jacob. One day he found him a lady

[Red Band]

she was climbing on a tree

[Iron Patriot]

she was plenty dry. That's a funny name for a monkey. That's a funny name for a monkey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Iron Patriot]

Yeah.

[Fahim Anwar]

I feel. I feel like I unlocked a cheat code in a video game.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Iron Patriot]

It's a story about two monkeys named Jacob and Latidra. But it ain't racist. I ain't talking about no female.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's not racist. He swears that it's not racist.

[Iron Patriot]

I'm not talking about any female brothers during that song. It's about two monkeys. You could make a cartoon out of

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

that, by the way.

[Fahim Anwar]

He could have said nothing and nobody

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

would have thought that.

[Gerard Carmichael]

You know, I like the fact I couldn't make out a few of the words, so I just assumed it wasn't racist.

[Iron Patriot]

Yeah, well, we already went over this. Kill Tony 11. We went over this before with. When Kevin was the guest comedian, Kevin Christie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know the name. You know the numbers and everything. Now, if you missed it there for a moment, there was a. Because it all happened quick. Patriot just said the words, the song's not racist. It's not about a female brother. And what he's saying when he says female brother, that's how. That's his way of describing black women. I'm not kidding. I noticed this over the last few weeks. He naturally, I guess it's from originally being from Texas or something. But the female brothers. And he doesn't call them sisters. I asked him this last week. He doesn't call them sisters because he doesn't want people getting them confused for nuns. I couldn't make that up. That's him. Jarod, what's the report on everything I just told you?

[Iron Patriot]

You don't understand how much I love the brothers. I was raised on Good Times, Sanford and Son.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Gerard, just put the mic down again.

[Pete Christian Hessing]

Jeez.

[Iron Patriot]

I love Jimmy Walker Dynamite.

[Fahim Anwar]

Oh, my God, Jarod. Is he ruining Iron man for you? Can you not watch the movies anymore?

[Gerard Carmichael]

Not as much as he's just validating Texas. For me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The reputation stays true. Well, you guys know what we do here? We have a. A huge amount of comedians that sign up in order to get pulled out of this bucket. They get 60 seconds to maybe try something new, maybe try something old. And whether it's new or old, we try to either tag their material or interview them. Talk about something else that we think else they should talk about or something like that. It's just an interview. After they do 60 seconds of stand up comedians. When you hit 60 seconds exactly, you're going to hear this cat meow. That means you're at 60 seconds to stop then. Because if you continue to go, the angry West Hollywood bear comes out. Now originally it would be like five or ten seconds after you went over your time, the bear would come out. But we've noticed recently that when that red band gets a little excited and sometimes that bear will come pretty quickly after the cat. Oh, that bear is already brewing in there. You can just hear it getting ready for people to run the light. If you don't, if you. If for some reason they're not here for their spot, they get blacklisted permanently from the show. And all that means is that they're off the show. They go into a different pile. And the Iron Patriot makes this noise. All right, so what do you guys say we get this thing started, huh? Fuck yeah. Let's do it. It's all happening. Our first comedian tonight for 60 seconds is Rob Russell. Here we go. It's all happening. Rob Russell. Oh,

[Iron Patriot]

shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was very aggressive and I loved it.

[Gerard Carmichael]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Blacklisted Rob Russell on the blacklist.

[Gerard Carmichael]

Good gracious.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, your first comedian tonight is Jessamine.

[Jessamine]

Hi, Everyone, hello. Hi. With all that cheering that went on, I would never know I was in a comedy club. Just kidding. You would never know you were in LA too Friendly. I like to explain my worldview up front. I don't believe in black and white. I believe in blonde and brunette. Also, a lot of girls have to sleep with a guy to never hear from him again. But I don't just have to give him my number. And I will never, ever hear from him again. I wouldn't paint myself. That's okay. You don't have to laugh when I laugh. We'll keep going. I got asked out by a guy and he didn't show up. And I wasn't really worried at first, but when he texted me an hour and a half later saying, jessamyn, I hate to do this to you, but my girlfriend just broke up with me and I'm in no mood to go out right now. I was pretty hurt, but, like, I. I'm not vindictive. Like, I would never key his car or anything like that. Mostly because he takes the bus, but still, it's about manners in this day and age. And a lot of girls in LA have a lot of confidence and that's

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

all right. Well, that was something. That was really something.

[Red Band]

Can I ask you for a second? Can you take down your microphone and just talk to me for a second with no microphone? How's it going?

[Jessamine]

Good. How?

[Red Band]

You're talking louder now than you were just now.

[Jessamine]

Really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are?

[Fahim Anwar]

That was a mind fuck problem.

[Iron Patriot]

I know.

[Fahim Anwar]

Well, you've all been part of an experience.

[Jessamine]

It gets really nerve wracking. I don't know, maybe I'm okay. I should listen for the echo. It gets really nerve wracking on stage. And sometimes Tony knows because he's seen me in the past. I have a tendency to either talk really fast, like beyond coke talking, you know, and then. Or sometimes like when I'm waiting to go on stage, it's like you start self diagnosing. I'm like, oh, there's something in my neck. And then the host.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hello. Yeah, you gotta project, Jessamin. I mean, we're not even really getting an opportunity to know what you're saying. Whether it's like, you gotta like kick it out of the gate. Give us a. Give us an example. Like say, I'll have some pie.

[Jessamine]

I'll have some pie now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Actually try.

[Jessamine]

I'll have some pie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's already better. Did you hear that? Can somebody get her some fucking pie? What are you guys doing sitting there? Jesus, Christ.

[Fahim Anwar]

I feel like it's an unused Michelle Tanner line.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Jessamine, I love what's going on with you, but I have no idea what you said the entire time you were up here.

[Jessamine]

Can I try one of them one more time? Talk just one joke. Talking into the microphone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, try the joke and try to project.

[Jessamine]

I don't see the world in black and white. I see it in blonde and brunette.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The angry West Hollywood bear is out. Out of nowhere. All right. No, I. Okay, I don't get what you're saying there. Like, it sounds like. Like, that sounds like a joke that Hitler would write. I. I only see blonde and brunette. Like, is. Are you saying that you don't want black people around? Are you saying that? Like, what is that?

[Jessamine]

Well, that's the problem. I guess that's true. It has a backstory. So I guess I was just thinking about how whenever I've gone to meet up, blonde girls tend to talk to me more than others. And then when I go to meet their friends, they're all blonde, and I feel like when I first meet them, they kind of look me up and down, kind of like, mmm, little brunette must be lost. So that's where that was.

[Fahim Anwar]

Well, there's more here in this than just that. You know, you're going deeper with this than just a tagline.

[Jessamine]

Yeah, I should have. Yeah, you have to be really specific in my head. Like, I just don't want to go first, and I should have been like, I want to go third. You know, that way would just.

[Fahim Anwar]

No, that wouldn't change anything.

[Jessamine]

Yeah, I wanted to. It's just like, the first time you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But I totally agree with what Fahim was just saying conversationally when you were just explaining.

[Fahim Anwar]

Like, we got more insight into you with that than just, you know, because anybody, like, a corporation can come up with that for a billboard or something.

[Jessamine]

You know, I get that because I guess, like, the one thing I've always wanted to just get better at with Stand up is if you have a story, how do you get, you know, your five or six lines into that? Really concise. Two or three, I guess.

[Fahim Anwar]

Well, something to think about, too, is, like, we know nothing about you or the way your mind works, really. Like, anybody could have done, like, what you said. That's interchangeable. Like, I don't. So there's that. There's joke writing, and there's also just nerves because you're new. So it's very hard to process the two because you got so much things going so many Things going on. So it's just stage time to wear out those nerves and then you can just be you on stage.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you ever considered wearing an Iron Patriot suit? Just kidding. Patriot. Jesus, that death glare you're giving me. And that left arm, so solid, not twitching at all. That fucking thing is a wall right now.

[Jessamine]

I guess I like my clothes, so I'll stick to my closet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, that's okay.

[Jessamine]

I know what you mean. But I guess.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jessamyn, I love it. You gotta project next time, okay? You gotta really push it. Gerard, what do you think?

[Gerard Carmichael]

No, I mean, I think you. It seems like you have like a bunch of pain that you're masking with adorableness. And once you get to like that shit that your father did, it's gonna be great.

[Red Band]

God, I was hoping you would go there.

[Iron Patriot]

Boom.

[Jessamine]

No, no, I appreciate that.

[Pete Christian Hessing]

And.

[Jessamine]

And for the record, it's. It's not my father, it's your uncle.

[Gerard Carmichael]

No, it's somebody.

[Fahim Anwar]

No, that's the cliffhanger.

[Jessamine]

But thank you. I appreciate it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Heck yeah. Jessamine, everybody. She's on Twitter at realadorable. Real underscore. Adorable is her. That's her actual Twitter handle, Jerrod Carmichael. Nailing it from three point range, everybody. Fuck yeah. Jessamine's got the mic and the mic stand. One more time for Jessamine, everybody.

[Red Band]

Adorable.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Real adorable. I think. I don't know. She said it wasn't her dad, but it could be because she just goes by the name Jessamine. She doesn't rep that last name. You know what I'm saying? Saying so who knows what's going on there?

[Paul Aliyah]

I think.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think you may have hit that ball out of the park. She was quick to say, no, it wasn't dead, it was life.

[Gerard Carmichael]

You know, you don't get that sweet and adorable without having to have tried to make someone happy. You know, it's just like the COVID up, like not to get duck. My apologies.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're so fucking dead on. Absolutely. Holy shit. Fuck yes. I'm so glad to have you guys here. This is so exciting. Fuck yeah. You fucking two are unbelievable. This is. This is great. Patriot. Having fun so far?

[Fahim Anwar]

Yes.

[Iron Patriot]

He nailed it on that joke. I couldn't beat that one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the fuck? Patriot, I don't think you've ever been funny on purpose. Put your hands together for your next comedian. It's Pete. Christian Hessing. I think he's coming. I think he's coming.

[Pete Christian Hessing]

How are you guys doing? I hope you guys doing all right and thank you guys for the opportunity. I've been coming here a lot, a lot. And I've been trying to find the wearer when I. And you just sort of found it out.

[Kevin Fart]

Yeah.

[Pete Christian Hessing]

I was walking down Hollywood Boulevard and I saw they have all these signs. You know, they have a sign for a star for Snow White, There's a star for the Muppets, there's a star for Donald Duck. So I would say, I mean. I mean, these stars cost $30,000. Why not have a star for, you know, Jesus or a star for love or peace? And we would have probably love or peace in the world, you know? You know, they could flip a switch and all you guys in here would be millionaires. You know, network marketing. We could all have websites and computer accounts, so we could all be businessmen. But, you know, they're sort of scared. You know, all you guys have million dollars. You know, you probably. You know, all the banks. All the banks would probably shut down. You go in the bank, trying to pull out, you know, a million dollars all the time. They would. You know, all the banks would be out. So there's so many. So many things that, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Pete, that's your time.

[Gerard Carmichael]

Well, you guys, allow me to go first. I loved every second of that. Every. Every second of that. And once we get to the bottom of whatever you did to your daughter, you're gonna be great. So what if that's almost my note.

[Fahim Anwar]

That's your. It's a little pitchy.

[Pete Christian Hessing]

Thank you.

[Red Band]

Good.

[Pete Christian Hessing]

Thanks.

[Gerard Carmichael]

But, I mean, listen, here's the thing. And this is a compliment. Whatever you are, you're for real about it. And I like that. Like, whatever you are, it's not like. It's like you're for real that. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's like, for real. You could tell. Like, you could just look at his eyes. Like, that's not like trying. That's life coming at you fast.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Iron Patriot]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've never seen somebody that looks both like a cowboy and an Indian before, but somehow you're pulling that off. Like, I've heard of the game cowboys in Indian, but you could just be both sides all at once. You could play that like solitaire.

[Gerard Carmichael]

But then if I were to guess, like, he's only in America because he committed a hate crime in Jamaica.

[Pete Christian Hessing]

No mud. No problem.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no.

[Pete Christian Hessing]

Where are you from, no mud? I'm from Jamaica. You're right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nailed it. Still shooting from half court and making it. Jerrod Carmichael.

[Pete Christian Hessing]

I think we need a Jamaican. Martin Luther King is going to come and say, I believe that one day we'll have a dream and all Jamaicans will have no problem, man. No more. No problem.

[Gerard Carmichael]

And he just squeezed another bit in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He knew the bear was sleeping for a moment. And he got it out there. He got the bear off guard. Yes. Oh, Fahim. What do you get? What do you got? What do you got for Pete? Christian Hessing. What's going on here?

[Fahim Anwar]

I liked how he soaked up the intro. No nerves, just, I'm here, I'm about to rock your world. And then it got a little like high school motivational speakerish in the middle.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. And then it really. I think, I believe at one point you were saying, give everybody a million dollars and the banks will probably collapse. Yeah. Okay.

[Pete Christian Hessing]

You can give them credit cards. They can buy stuff.

[Gerard Carmichael]

Why is nobody not taking financial advice?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know. Absolutely. Exactly.

[Red Band]

Use a lot of commas and not periods. And when you talk, I noticed it's

[Pete Christian Hessing]

like to make an accent. No problem. I always try to say too much.

[Iron Patriot]

I want to.

[Fahim Anwar]

Is the clothes like you or for stand up?

[Pete Christian Hessing]

Stand up? Yeah. Yes. Yes. Stand up. Yeah.

[Fahim Anwar]

So, like, in the daytime, you're like this.

[Pete Christian Hessing]

Or in the daytime, I do a bit of. I do a TV. I'm into music. I do a DJ on KCLE and I do a bit of TV on KNBS. You can see me on KBS.

[Paul Aliyah]

Wow.

[Red Band]

That's. I never heard a radio station with 14 letters.

[Fahim Anwar]

I. I asked if he wore that in the daytime, and he told me where I can see.

[Pete Christian Hessing]

Yeah, but I gotta take off this. It's too hot.

[Fahim Anwar]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you just take off the undershirt. You keep the jacket and the scarf on the girls.

[Pete Christian Hessing]

Girls like it, though, because I open up the shirt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're banging a lot of girls?

[Pete Christian Hessing]

Sometimes. Sometimes I get on the Christian side, you know, sort of stay away. If I have a condom, I need that condom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you have the condoms, they can go. That's an interesting motto. Give this guy a condom, he gets confidence all of a sudden. All right, well, I like your style, Pete. Christian Hess, how long have you been doing stand up?

[Pete Christian Hessing]

Well, not very long. I was mostly a musician.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Patriot has something he wants to say.

[Pete Christian Hessing]

Let me try.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Iron Patriot]

I want to comment on the first part of his routine. It is interesting how many stars there are on Hollywood Boulevard. You know, when I first met, he's like, this is my territory.

[Fahim Anwar]

Quit encroaching.

[Iron Patriot]

But I mean, that shit stretches all the way down to vine, over to Capitol Records. I mean, when I first got here, I thought they would just be up Kind of by the Chinese Theater. But they got stars for everybody. Just like, you know, he said the Muppets and Kermit the Frog. I mean, I hope to have my own star someday. That says Comic patriot.

[Pete Christian Hessing]

Yeah, it's $30,000 for each star. I went in. The guy said, you got to get $30,000.

[Fahim Anwar]

It's a comedy duo.

[Iron Patriot]

Let's go on the road together.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Heck, yeah. Well, there he goes. That's Pete Christian Hessing. Good job, Pete. Thanks for coming, buddy.

[Pete Christian Hessing]

Thank you, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Heck, yeah.

[Red Band]

Does he have a Twitter or a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, this is a. This is your official Twitter. Essing Hessing, everybody. Follow him on Twitter. I'm surprised. You don't seem like the kind of guy that would have a Twitter account.

[Red Band]

Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, when you always forget your password, you have to do that. That's part of forgetting your password.

[Gerard Carmichael]

They're trying to silence him, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a conspiracy.

[Red Band]

It's 160 characters.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. I fucking love it. He also doesn't seem like his name would be Pete Christian Hessing either. Right? Doesn't that sound like. That sounds like the name he.

[Red Band]

The wallet he found.

[Fahim Anwar]

Well, he also looks like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, the one that he found first day here in the newspaper. Go sign Pete Christian Hessing, the obituary. All right. Fuck yeah. He said what I love. Another thing that I love about that is there's three spaces on these things. When comedians sign up, a lot of them don't fill out the third because they don't know what they're gonna talk about. But the third one is the topic. And what Pete Christian Hessing wrote for his topic was weddings, economics, and something else. There's an and logo. And then his handwriting was too big, so it got really small.

[Fahim Anwar]

Did you hear any wedding stuff?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Fahim Anwar]

No, I thought I missed that.

[Red Band]

I honestly didn't hear anything he said.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He wrote three things for topic. I love that. Looks like the word pearl of some kind.

[Red Band]

Was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Were you gonna cover pearl? Oh, there he is. Oh, I see. I see the outline of the cowboy hat deep in the distance. He just came out of nowhere from the farthest corner of the. Of the room. All right, Pete, you're good, buddy. We're having fun. We're bumping. Let's pick another one, shall we? You guys having fun out there? Yeah, you are. Put your hands together for Paul Aliyah, everybody. Here he is. Paul Aliyah.

[Iron Patriot]

What's up, y'?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All?

[Paul Aliyah]

You guys, they're about to make a fast, nefarious 7. 7. Not one time in any of those movies have they ever stopped to get some gas? You guys just. Where are they getting this feel from? In the seventh one, those.

[Pete Christian Hessing]

Walking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Walking.

[Paul Aliyah]

It's me, Vin Diesel, kicking a can of Pepsi.

[Gerard Carmichael]

Just like I told you.

[Paul Aliyah]

We should have went to a Chevron.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God damn it.

[Paul Aliyah]

You can't get a girl without a car. That's all I'm saying. Saying, can't do that, you know? You know what bothers me? I hate when I'm at a red light and I see a hot girl to my left, and I look at her and she looks at me, and then she slowly starts pulling forward and the light's still red. It's just like she's saying no to me with her feet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what I mean?

[Pete Christian Hessing]

I'm just.

[Paul Aliyah]

So what I like to do is I like to pull up next to her and take it one step further. Right? I like to pull up next to her and just be like this.

[Pete Christian Hessing]

Hey.

[Paul Aliyah]

So you on Facebook or you want to hang out?

[Iron Patriot]

Oh, no.

[Paul Aliyah]

Oh. That was me going in reverse.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My name is Pauline, thank you very much. Whoa. Tempting the kitty cat and the bear with one last word. Yeah, I like the. I like that. Doing the thing with the foot. That.

[Paul Aliyah]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But what really stood out to me was at the end of the first joke, how you turned into a black comedian in the end. Did you notice that?

[Fahim Anwar]

What was the word?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was something about those motherfuckers walking. Yeah. And then you repeated it louder the second time. Right.

[Paul Aliyah]

Like they didn't hear it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, it was really like, I was expecting you to just start walking off the stage like Chris Rock. You know what I mean? Just, like, walking sideways.

[Gerard Carmichael]

Right.

[Paul Aliyah]

I've been doing that a lot lately. Doing that with my cadence. I don't know why it just comes out.

[Fahim Anwar]

Just bringing the urban shit in.

[Paul Aliyah]

Yeah. I've been watching a lot of urban comedy, so I don't know. Feels right.

[Fahim Anwar]

I love how you have, like, black frame glasses and you're like. Feels right, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Fahim Anwar]

I'm like a fish in water.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. It doesn't look right. It may feel right, but it doesn't come across as right. It comes across as, oh, that guy's trying to be cool for a second.

[Red Band]

Right.

[Paul Aliyah]

But he's not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Paul Aliyah]

Okay, got it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Paula, Leah, is there more to that?

[Red Band]

The one with the window and the stepping up and going.

[Paul Aliyah]

Yeah, I had more. I only had one minute, so I cut a lot of it out.

[Gerard Carmichael]

Right.

[Paul Aliyah]

So it's part of this whole thing about picking up girls in cars. So I knew I Had one minute, so I said the first part of it then.

[Gerard Carmichael]

You usually pick up girls in cars?

[Paul Aliyah]

Yeah, I have before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Red Band]

Wow.

[Paul Aliyah]

Yeah, man. Like, if I see a girl in the. If I see a girl next to me, I'll roll down my window and say something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you're that guy.

[Paul Aliyah]

Yeah, I don't give a.

[Pete Christian Hessing]

Guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus Christ. That's something you need to be talking about.

[Red Band]

You're a whiskey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're that douchebag.

[Red Band]

You need to say.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You need to come out and say I'm a douchebag. Here's what I do.

[Paul Aliyah]

This is why. And then explain.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then that other stuff will make. Makes sense. Because we're just like, why? Why are you creeping on women? Is what we're wondering when. I mean. And it's funny, don't get me wrong. And you can still use that. They're deciding with their foot. Like, you can't see them making that decision, but when they press that gas a little bit, like, I think that's very funny.

[Red Band]

Let's hear your cat call.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Like, what do you say when you roll down these. The window and talk to all of our girlfriends? Yeah, yeah.

[Red Band]

Because we hear about it. We hear about it almost like once a week, right?

[Iron Patriot]

Yeah.

[Paul Aliyah]

Like, your girl tells you that she's like, some guy tried to hit on me in a car.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's this creep with Ray Ban glasses, and he sort of looked like a white ninja turtle. She had such good vision.

[Paul Aliyah]

She saw they were Ray Ban glasses. I know what Ray Bans when I see them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know Donatello from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Like, there's something like, remember V necks? Right, Right.

[Iron Patriot]

And you know what? You know what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then he did an impression of a cool black guy and drove away.

[Paul Aliyah]

Oh, man.

[Iron Patriot]

Yeah, I don't think he should waste time even talking about Facebook. Just say, I. I live down around the corner. Let's go back to my place right now.

[Paul Aliyah]

When did I talk about Facebook? Iron Patriot?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Iron Patriot]

When you stopped at the corner and then she was pulling ahead. You're trying to get.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, right, right, right, right, right, right, right.

[Iron Patriot]

Now I remember.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at the. Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Never grabbed this thing before. It's supposed to be a prop, but I swear to God. Bear, go away.

[Paul Aliyah]

Right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You apologize to the Iron Patriot right now. When the. Did I talk about Facebook?

[Fahim Anwar]

He's gonna steal camera.

[Paul Aliyah]

Yeah, I got all goomba just now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You made his arm twitch, bro.

[Iron Patriot]

I accept his apology. He's a cool guy.

[Paul Aliyah]

Thank you, bro. Iron Patriot, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Heck yeah. You be nice to him.

[Paul Aliyah]

Yeah, see at the bed, I wanted to say something to the girl in the bed. So I try to think of something to say. Like while I'm in the car.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you really say? We're asking you.

[Paul Aliyah]

Hey, how you doing? Where you going?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You see how that summons the reaction from people? That's, that's what you want. You want to, you want to get those people growling like that. On your own when you're talking about this shit, you can do that.

[Gerard Carmichael]

Has it worked?

[Paul Aliyah]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of car do you have?

[Paul Aliyah]

Got Nissan Altima.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that's a miracle. You're picking up. You're picking up fours on four wheels. I love that. Right?

[Paul Aliyah]

Exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's pulling up next to a girl on a bicycle like, hey, what's up? What are you doing? You want to ride? Throw it in the trunk. Automatic trunk, thank you very much.

[Paul Aliyah]

On a bike.

[Gerard Carmichael]

I thought, I thought you were calling this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love the romantic music. Is he.

[Gerard Carmichael]

I thought you calling his car before. I never heard cars like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Gerard Carmichael]

Like girls. I thought you were saying it was. Nevermind.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was calling. I'm saying, I'm saying the girls that he's doing from barking out of a Nissan Altima have to. Can't be any higher than a 4. Are they usually couple with down syndrome?

[Iron Patriot]

If you're gonna do it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. Can they operate like it is?

[Gerard Carmichael]

A four is just a six with down syndrome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you're gonna do it, if you're

[Paul Aliyah]

gonna do it, you have to waste it on a good looking girl. You can't waste it because it'll hurt too much.

[Fahim Anwar]

If it's like a two and she's.

[Sarah Mostajabi]

Yeah.

[Paul Aliyah]

If she's fat, she starts driving away. Then it's like, oh, I'm a loser. I drive a Nissan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I hate my life, you know, so. Right. Well, there you go, Paula, everybody. There he goes. Paul Aliya. 1, 2, 3. On Twitter. You want to tag any of his stuff out there for you listeners of the podcast Patriot? Jeez, I get so offended when somebody comes at you, you know what I mean? I'm so defensive of you.

[Iron Patriot]

Yep. I feel this frustration, you know, it's hard. You gotta move slow with the ladies these days. They don't like you to be too aggressive too quickly. You know, you need to take them out to dinner and buy them some appetizers and, you know, take them to a movie. You gotta be patient. You can't just jump right in their pants like that and touch the pouch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I just got dizzy for a second. You can't just jump in their pants

[Iron Patriot]

and what, Touch the pouch? Gotta be soothing and good. Loving on the pouch, Tony. You know that until it's time, you gotta wait, you gotta be patient. A woman likes to know if you're.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love how it's not take a girl out and buy her dinner, it's take a girl out and buy her

[Red Band]

appetizer, like a special occasion or something.

[Fahim Anwar]

Is she allowed to get entrees or,

[Iron Patriot]

you know, the whole thing. You know, buy a flower, be nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Last date you went on, Patriot, where'd you take the girl?

[Iron Patriot]

It's been a long time. I've been in a dry spell, Tony. I haven't had sex since the summer of 2004.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no, no, Patriot, no.

[Iron Patriot]

I hate to kill your image of me, but hopefully now that I'm in the death squad family, things are gonna change for me.

[Red Band]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, definitely. Def.

[Iron Patriot]

I kind of.

[Fahim Anwar]

I want to. I want to know the story of 2004.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I do too. I do too. I want to know what had to happen in 2004 that went so bad.

[Iron Patriot]

Used to be. I didn't tell you about my DJ years. I DJed for seven years. I was at this club called the Sugar Shack. And there was a cute bartender girl. She let me play with her feet while we watched the last episode of Friends.

[Fahim Anwar]

Wait, wait, last episode of what?

[Iron Patriot]

It was the last episode of Friends, Remember that year? And I got. I took one sock off and then I took the other sock off and she let me play with her toes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was she alive when you were doing this to her? Is this just a corpse that's laying over your lap?

[Fahim Anwar]

She let me wear her skin.

[Iron Patriot]

I'm not ugly, Tony. You make me out to be like a creepy ugly. If you look at my Facebook, I'm a decent looking guy. It's just I've been here in LA for five years. It's tough to meet someone here. I. I'm real picky too. I want the right girl. I. I know I'm going to find the right person for me. I'm my soulmate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you'll find. You'll.

[Iron Patriot]

You'll.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You'll find one that suits you.

[Iron Patriot]

I'm jealous of Red Band. I heard him talking that he met a nice girl. Did. Did you go to church or something? Where'd you meet that n.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Maybe church is chicken, but not church. You're better off finding a good girl at a church's Chicken.

[Red Band]

Honestly, you might be good going to church if you want to meet a nice girl.

[Iron Patriot]

Because, I mean, I don't believe in God. I believe we're all God.

[Red Band]

Just don't pay attention. Look at feet. Look down like you're looking at Jesus.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I feel like there's a tear right now underneath that helmet, short circuiting everything.

[Iron Patriot]

My glory years. My glory years from. Were from 86 to 93. That was when I was in Dirty Crab. Those are my times when I had sex with about 20.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm about to cry. Holy.

[Red Band]

This is awful.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, hey.

[Red Band]

We'll talk after the show. I got a website you can go to.

[Iron Patriot]

No, I don't want Tinder.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I could have our. I could have our young producer here, Josh Martin, and suck your dick if you'd like.

[Iron Patriot]

Yeah, no, I like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Would you guys like to see that right now? Come on, Josh. Come suck his dick.

[Fahim Anwar]

Come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on, Josh.

[Paul Aliyah]

Get in there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Get in there. Come on.

[Red Band]

Just blow it on your chest, Josh.

[Iron Patriot]

No, I'm not into that kind of stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on, Patriot. What are you. What are you so uncomfortable about? Contest.

[Iron Patriot]

I like girls. I like Josh, but not in that way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on. He looks like Rhea Pearlman. Let him do it,

[Red Band]

Josh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're taking orders from the Patriot. Now get your ass over there and suck his dick.

[Iron Patriot]

You're crossing the line, Tony. You crossed the line.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, let's pull another comedian out. This is fucking unbelievable.

[Red Band]

Hey, that really does suck, though. And I need to help you somehow, because I can't. I mean, 2004 is a long time. That's. I mean, it is post 9 11, but.

[Iron Patriot]

And the last time before that was two times in 1997.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Red Band]

This is awful. We need to stop this. We need to stop talking about this. I can't even think about this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Red Band]

Do you master. How many times a day do you masturbate?

[Iron Patriot]

I've been surviving on porn for a long time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you ever just. Do you ever just. Do you ever just lay on your back and put your left hand around your dick and make yourself nervous and your hand like it's a top?

[Iron Patriot]

No. No. Puberty came on me very, very strong, Tony. It hit me in Those years, the 1314, the first orgasm I had, I ran out naked in the backyard and swung on a tree like a mon. And I came. The wind made me came. I didn't even touch the wind. And I thought something was wrong. Cause all this shit shot out of my banana. And then two and two years later, I did bestiality with my cocker spaniel. Buffy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What? Wait, what?

[Fahim Anwar]

Get that bear Away from here. It's in danger.

[Iron Patriot]

I put Hershey chocolate on my banana and the cocker spaniel licked it off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, that.

[Gerard Carmichael]

Wait, that is a good point.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm pretty sure we just had the. Well, that's a great point.

[Fahim Anwar]

You're not supposed to feed dogs chocolate. They're more concerned about the dog eating chocolate than it's sucking his dick.

[Gerard Carmichael]

I just hate. I just hate that the dog risked his life for that. That was the last thing the dog did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Of all the things, why would it be chocolate? Why would you do that? Everyone knows peanut butter. That's the one thing.

[Iron Patriot]

I was horny in Texas and I couldn't find a woman. Man, there's some cute hussies in Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you talking about actual fucking.

[Paul Aliyah]

Hush.

[Iron Patriot]

See how nice and tan their feet are there?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you talking about the dogs? What are you talking about?

[Red Band]

Do you like Paul's, too?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Iron Patriot]

I know you're gonna think I'm creepy and weird now, but that it wasn't that big a deal. It's not like I tried it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're not gonna think that. We already think that, Patriot. You just. You just.

[Red Band]

Cocker spaniels are adorable, so I see what he's saying.

[Iron Patriot]

Yeah, and they'll eat anything. I mean, they love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right,

[Iron Patriot]

I didn't do it again. It was only one time. It's not like I started doing it on a regular basis.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so now I have to ask. I mean, I already pulled the name out of the bucket for some reason. Sometime before that, however, I gotta ask a couple more questions. One, did you finish when the dog was eating the chocolate?

[Iron Patriot]

I can't remember.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a yes.

[Fahim Anwar]

Okay. He has a steel trap memory, especially with the Facebook comment. And now he can't remember.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Iron Patriot]

You know what I also did? You know, at the car wash, they have those vacuum tubes where you vacuum your car. I put that on my banana and sucked it dry. It was great. I did that about three times.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you. And that would make you finish. You could climax to that.

[Iron Patriot]

It's great. It just leaves it. It cleans it up. It just sucks it dry. It just. And then you leave.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Iron Patriot]

I only did that a few times. I was pretty crazy back then. I'm a lot more normal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you started fucking. The vacuum cleanup's a breeze.

[Fahim Anwar]

You just dump the bag after you're done.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many dogs did you go through until you started fucking the vacuum?

[Iron Patriot]

No, that was just. Those were, like, three things I did a couple times, but nothing besides that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All Right, let's keep the show moving along. Good luck to the comedian who has to follow that. Put your hands together for Michelle Westford, everybody.

[Michelle Westford]

All right, guys, Recently I'm celebrating something. I got engaged three years ago yesterday. Moving on the fast track. So subsequently yesterday I wrote a letter to match.com and cancel my membership. Right. Because I know I'm really in now. Match.com. if you guys aren't familiar, maybe they should. I don't know, maybe they should rename it something more realistic like circusfolk.com or the creepiest assholes you ever met. Dot com. That's the service where you put in your zip code and then they scan the area. They do like a 15 mile radius and bring you back every sex offender and broke turd.

[Jessamine]

And.

[Michelle Westford]

Yeah, these are your new matches. I went out with a guy dancing. Dave was his name. He insisted we go dancing, but to me and everybody else in the club, it looked like he was getting electrocuted or playing an imaginary game of highly aggressive tetherball.

[Sarah Mostajabi]

That's it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. That's right. She made it in between the kitty and the bear. She nailed it. Great dismount. Yeah.

[Red Band]

You have great stage presence. You could hear yourself. You seem very comfortable on stage. How long you been doing it?

[Jessamine]

Three years.

[Fahim Anwar]

Three years.

[Red Band]

Cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And have you really been engaged for three years?

[Michelle Westford]

I have been engaged for three years. Yes, I have.

[Red Band]

So you started comedy right when it.

[Sarah Mostajabi]

Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One dream dies, another one lives.

[Iron Patriot]

Lives, exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Something like that. Fuck yeah. But you open with being engaged and then you talk about dating. Is that because you met him on a website or maybe.

[Michelle Westford]

No, we met at Starbucks in Seattle

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

that just got boos from the audience.

[Michelle Westford]

Okay. We met on match.com. i just. I'm on a podcast now and we know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Never told everybody that, so really, you

[Fahim Anwar]

could just not post the link.

[Michelle Westford]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No one will know. Yeah.

[Sarah Mostajabi]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unless you're famous in Seattle, in which case somebody will find it and they're gonna be like, oh, my God, Michelle Westford found Seattle. That guy.

[Michelle Westford]

You don't know me, right?

[Fahim Anwar]

Yeah.

[Michelle Westford]

That I'm not famous.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How'd you know he's from Seattle?

[Michelle Westford]

Because I'm from Seattle. I know all the good comics from Seattle.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're damn right. Boom. Fahim Anwar, everybody.

[Fahim Anwar]

You know, I love her stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly.

[Fahim Anwar]

You know, she's like a real vet.

[Gerard Carmichael]

It sounds like someone is getting sick of their fiance. They're like, you know, I'm starting to move on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Going from Starbucks to Seattle's best, if you know what I'm Saying, that's a coffee joke, everybody. One in a million. When in Rome, do as the Romans do. Thank you, ma'. Am. Fuck, yeah. How long have you been in la?

[Michelle Westford]

A week.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you staying here?

[Michelle Westford]

I'm going back home on Wednesday. I came down for a week.

[Aaron Marsh]

Oh, nice.

[Fahim Anwar]

You do stand up out there.

[Michelle Westford]

Yes. In Seattle.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where do you get up?

[Fahim Anwar]

Like, the underground parlor?

[Michelle Westford]

Not the parlor. Laughs.

[Fahim Anwar]

Okay.

[Iron Patriot]

I love Dave.

[Fahim Anwar]

Dave's great.

[Aaron Marsh]

Tacoma.

[Michelle Westford]

Down in Tacoma. And then different casinos and corporate stuff.

[Fahim Anwar]

Cool. I would give one note, like, Ian Edwards actually talks about this too. Like, Ian's such a good writer. Like, your stage presence is great. You know, you're not nervous up there. You can deliver the material perfectly. And then the jokes. It's like you're scratching the surface, going for the, like, the easy almost.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You could dig a little deeper.

[Fahim Anwar]

You know what I mean? So try to scratch. Scratch a little more. That's how you find more. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, Jarod. What do you got?

[Gerard Carmichael]

I got nothing, man. You know. Hey, do your thing. It's like the big vague, like. Yeah, great. Congratulations on the engagement.

[Michelle Westford]

Oh, thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When's it gonna happen?

[Michelle Westford]

Maybe next year.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Michelle Westford]

We don't have a date yet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the point of being engaged?

[Michelle Westford]

Yeah, you just kind of seal the super, super dating.

[Gerard Carmichael]

Do you feel. Do you feel. Do you feel, like, a sense of security knowing that you're engaged and not just dating?

[Michelle Westford]

No, I'm not like that. I mean, I never thought. I never was one of those gals that was like, yeah, I can't wait to get married and have a wedding and do all that type of stuff. Stuff. I just happened to meet somebody.

[Gerard Carmichael]

Are you delaying the wedding or is he.

[Michelle Westford]

I'm delaying it a little bit. No, my circumstances. My circumstances and stuff.

[Gerard Carmichael]

What's the circumstance?

[Michelle Westford]

I'm doing comedy in Seattle. I'm trying to make money. I want to be more.

[Gerard Carmichael]

You couldn't get married while doing comedy in Seattle.

[Michelle Westford]

Yeah, I could. I just want to be.

[Gerard Carmichael]

I feel like doing comedy in Seattle. You still have, like, a lot of free.

[Fahim Anwar]

What does he do?

[Michelle Westford]

He works at an oil refinery.

[Fahim Anwar]

Okay.

[Gerard Carmichael]

Because you can't.

[Fahim Anwar]

Because you make it sound like you're supporting him with your comedy. And that's all. You're postponed putting the.

[Michelle Westford]

No, I'm just waiting till I'm. I feel more of an. I'm 33. I want to feel like I'm more successful in what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Stand up?

[Sarah Mostajabi]

Yeah.

[Gerard Carmichael]

All right. Well, you should help the fuck out of Sierra.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly.

[Fahim Anwar]

Why you think I got Out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Gerard Carmichael]

Looking for Heath. Yeah, yeah. He's like, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. It's not gonna happen there. I mean, all the greats, they get out of there and then you shine somewhere else.

[Gerard Carmichael]

So you can get married, girl.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right?

[Michelle Westford]

Oh, I love you guys. This was a good therapy session for me. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's push back this engagement another eight years, come down to la, then you'll get that success you wanted and then you could go back and get married. He'll be waiting for you. He's a fucking oil refinery guy in Seattle. He's got nothing going on. There she goes. Michelle west for everybody.

[Sarah Mostajabi]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's on Twitter at Michelle's Comedy. Wow. You actually were able to get that handle, huh? At Michelle's Comedy. The one and the only. Fuck yeah. How fun. A little Seattle light for you there, Fahim.

[Fahim Anwar]

Yeah, it was a nice surprise. I wanted to be like, I'm from Seattle, but kept to myself.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're like, you're like the Dave Chappelle of Seattle.

[Fahim Anwar]

That's how I'm brought on stage.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Seattle's a great town, right? Yeah, I love it up there. I could never live there because of the rain and stuff. I'm from where I'm from in Northeast Ohio. We have one more day of clouds than Seattle has. And Seattle has one more day of rain. So Seattle has this reputation of being depressing as fuck. But statistically where I'm from in Northeast Ohio is just as depressing. But we don't get the same reputation,

[Gerard Carmichael]

which is really depressing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly. Which bumps us to the most depressed city.

[Fahim Anwar]

Seriously?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's fucking creepy.

[Red Band]

Oh, I. Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hands together for Kevin Fart.

[Iron Patriot]

Everybody down the street in my six foot jockeying the bitches slapping the hose

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

on with into the world.

[Kevin Fart]

Guys, I'm getting older. I really want kids. But if I have a daughter and she gets married, I'm not paying for that shit. Isn't that the rule? The father of the bride has to pay for the wedding. I've already given you permission to bang my daughter for eternity. Isn't that enough, punk? Now you want me to pay for it? Can I at least get a discount? Like, he should be paying me, you know he should be paying me. Like, seriously, guys, I'm not giving that shit up like on a loss. It's a ruse what we're doing to these fathers. It's a sham. Like, how about I start sticking it to your mom and make you throw me a party? That's essentially what's going on, folks. It's the same thing. It's gonna end one minute right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy shit.

[Red Band]

That's crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Either you've been practicing this every day for seven weeks or you're just a really smart guy.

[Kevin Fart]

I'm a smart guy.

[Red Band]

He's a fucking Jedi. Right when he said that was exactly right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it was. I looked. It was creepy.

[Red Band]

It was creepy.

[Kevin Fart]

I just timed it. When I was eating a taco Aquito

[Paul Aliyah]

Moss, I just did it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. You should have ended on sounding really smart. And then all of a sudden, we found out about the taco at Paquito.

[Fahim Anwar]

Masquito Moss threw everything out the window.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There was something very Pete Christian Hessing about eating a taco at Paquito Mas and knowing exactly how long a minute is, is. I see that cowboy hat creep up. It's just a light from where I'm sitting, there's just like a silhouette of, like, dreadlocks and a cowboy hat way up there. There he is. Cheers to you, buddy. Yeah, man. I love you, Pete Christian Hessing. Oh, yeah.

[Red Band]

Great material.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, definitely. It seems like you have a take. How long have you been doing stand up?

[Kevin Fart]

It's two years next month.

[Paul Aliyah]

Wow, that's great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's great. A lot of your stuff is, like, you know, like just going with it and in a sort of a. I don't. I don't know. Like. Are a lot of your other jokes, like, not real to you, but goofy like that?

[Kevin Fart]

Yeah, well, I. I mean, I went to a wedding and I just thought it was ridiculous, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right.

[Pete Christian Hessing]

I wrote it.

[Kevin Fart]

But yeah, I sort of. I don't talk about myself that much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, right, right, right.

[Fahim Anwar]

And I'm curious. Like, obviously the way you talk now and the way that you talk on stage are different. What did that come to be from the start or did it evolve into it?

[Kevin Fart]

It evolved more into it. But I've always. When I first began, I just sort of went, like, weird. I don't know how it happened, but I didn't do it on purpose.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Now that's great because it shines through and it gives you your own sort of take on it. Sort of like having a voice. Voice Somewhat figured out already. Yeah. What was it about again? I just blanked.

[Red Band]

Well, it is pretty funny if you think about it. It was about, you know, like the. The husband or the dad having to buy, you know, his daughter's getting for

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the rest of his.

[Red Band]

You know. That makes me. Makes a good point.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's true. And you have to pay for it and you have to walk her down the aisle. Like, it's like a. That would be something I'd add into is like, the real fuck you part. Like, and I have to walk her to you. Like, she's like a dog or something. Like. I don't know. It's like the icing on the other. There's a better take on that. But definitely going that route after everything, after paying for everything, after all that, you have to. Literally, it's like a hand her off.

[Red Band]

You know, it's like two fighters going down.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Movie 300 or whatever, where they're just

[Red Band]

walking down and, like, just about to fight. Almost like with the. Dad's dropping off his daughter to the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The tiger that's gonna the out of her. Yeah. So there's something there on top of all that. But that's already all funny. How long have you been doing that joke for?

[Kevin Fart]

I. I went to the wedding at, like, the beginning of the summer, so a few months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's.

[Fahim Anwar]

That's cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a. That's a good new bit, man. How long have you been in la?

[Kevin Fart]

A couple years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where are you originally from?

[Kevin Fart]

Northern California.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Interesting.

[Kevin Fart]

I've been down in Southern California.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. What nationality are you?

[Pete Christian Hessing]

I'm Persian.

[Iron Patriot]

Okay. Right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh. Oh, I see there's the ID that you guys keep on your arms.

[Fahim Anwar]

As somebody who's Afghan and a comedian, I like that in the minute you didn't address the fact that you're Persian because that's not, you know, that's in the minority.

[Kevin Fart]

Hey, I have hairy asshole jokes.

[Iron Patriot]

It's just

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

right.

[Kevin Fart]

You gotta keep those in your back.

[Fahim Anwar]

Yeah, you don't really have to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have to keep your hairy ass hole in your back pocket. But not the jokes. Fuck yeah. Those are some really hairy arms, man. Have you ever tried to shave them or anything?

[Kevin Fart]

No, I'm. I got over. You have to be proud of it now. Well, not too proud of it, but,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you know, I feel like you just, like, finally faced it, like, a few weeks ago. By the way you say that.

[Kevin Fart]

Take your shirt off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have a lot of chest hair.

[Kevin Fart]

Got some chest.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's see it. The biggest guy in the room wants to see your chest hair, sir. So I'm pretty sure you gotta do. Yeah. Flash the audience real quick. Oh, yeah, yeah. We went from the Iron Patriot to the Iron Chic in a heartbeat. Oh, Jesus. All right, that's too close.

[Kevin Fart]

Don't shave.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's 3D HD coming from Red man over here. Yeah, There you go. Kevin Fart. He's at Kevin Fart on Twitter. That's Kevin F A, R B. This is fun, right? You get to see some comedians going on.

[Fahim Anwar]

It's almost like. Because you forget about those years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, totally.

[Fahim Anwar]

Well, you do. You do stand up for a long time. Like we're in our own class or whatever. Like after you've been doing it for a while. I'm not saying class.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm like level.

[Fahim Anwar]

When you've been doing it like 11 years or whatever, you forget when you've been doing comedy for a year or two or what it's like. So this is interesting because it's not often we get associated with people who are at mic still.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Totally. But meanwhile, when we go out to dinner sometimes, sometimes late night or whatever, we'll end up talking about those years, you know what I mean?

[Fahim Anwar]

Yeah, but reminiscing, but then seeing. It's a different thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, exactly. Totally. But it's something part of our lives. Like, Gerard, you and I definitely were hitting open mics together for the longest time. 2007, 2008.

[Gerard Carmichael]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Doing downstairs, getting rides from people to places.

[Gerard Carmichael]

I didn't have a car for long.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Me neither.

[Gerard Carmichael]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I remember you and I were two of them. Well, I mean, I guess there was quite a few of us. It always seemed like the funniest people didn't have cars. That's true.

[Gerard Carmichael]

A lot of walking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And the funnier that and the less funny that somebody would be would be based on how nice their car was. It almost seemed at the time it

[Gerard Carmichael]

was like if you pulled up in a seven series, it's like, oh, this guy's a hack.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But somebody rolls up on a bicycle, you're like, this motherfucker's a killer. Yeah.

[Fahim Anwar]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cuz it does, man. You have to have a fucking passion in your spinal cord to be bicycling across 90 degree fucking heat across a city.

[Gerard Carmichael]

Who do we just see that rides this bike from Burbank?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, it's. Oh, it's the new manager, I do believe. Here.

[Gerard Carmichael]

Yeah, yeah. That's crazy. Drives to Burbank.

[Fahim Anwar]

He's just passionate about managing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I did that a couple times though, when I first. When I first moved here, I didn't have a car and I lived in Burbank. And I remember the first time especially was I was thinking like, you know that kawanga pass, it seems like there's no elevation. You know what I mean? It almost seems like it'd be a smooth ride. I've. I almost died a couple times. I mean, Almost getting hit by cars. But the worst part was going. Going down. Because it was forever, by the way. It's like an hour and a half uphill.

[Gerard Carmichael]

Which side do you ride down on facing traffic? Yeah, you have to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, no, no, I went the other way with traffic. Yeah. Because if I went against. Because. And thank God I did, by the way, because I would have gotten hit head on. Because your brakes mean nothing when you're going that. You're just riding your brakes the entire time and you're still going like 30, 40 miles an hour. It's embarrassing, but you live and you learn. I survived it. You know why? Because God loves me and he wants me to succeed.

[Gerard Carmichael]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your next comedian's name is Aaron Marsh, everybody.

[Aaron Marsh]

Thank you, guys. So you may notice right off the bat that I have a lot of time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tattoos.

[Iron Patriot]

Right.

[Aaron Marsh]

And you'll see that they're really nerdy. They're like Star wars and stay puff and so. Yeah, exactly. The women laugh. I got them to try to impress the women, and turns out I only impressed a bunch of really introverted men in their 30s. Like, that's what ended up. I know it wasn't exactly as planned. I'll show you guys this one. This is Malcolm X, guys. Here, I'll let you guys see that.

[Iron Patriot]

Yeah, yeah.

[Aaron Marsh]

We call that a mistake. I should have put Malcolm in the middle. Really. See, and then white people look at me when I show them that, and they're like, that doesn't look like Denzel Washington at all. I know, but he taught me a couple really valuable lessons. He taught me no pork. No white women and no pork and white women. That's my minute, I believe, right, guys?

[Iron Patriot]

All right, thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. Exactly 59 seconds. You guys are getting freaky at this.

[Gerard Carmichael]

I love the fact that you learned so much from Malcolm X and you're like, you know what Malcolm would love? If a white dude tattooed his face on his face.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He can take that.

[Aaron Marsh]

I actually believe that. That two weeks before he died. Malcolm would have loved it. The rest of Malcolm would have just hated it.

[Gerard Carmichael]

No, he would have hated the whole.

[Aaron Marsh]

He would have hated the whole thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why do you have that tattoo? What happened? Like, what was the bet that you lost in which.

[Aaron Marsh]

It wasn't a bet. No, it was just the early twenties. I read the book.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

1920s. What are you talking about?

[Fahim Anwar]

Thank you.

[Aaron Marsh]

No, my early 20s.

[Fahim Anwar]

Talk about being a vampire. Exactly.

[Aaron Marsh]

No, no, it was like 1999 when I was, like, fucking. I was in my early 20s and I read the book and it really Got to me and I like, I fucking loved Malcolm X and so I fucking did it. I was like, fuck this. I want to be more disciplined and I want to be Muslim. No, that's not what. But you know, like, it was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where were you raised?

[Aaron Marsh]

Tucson, Arizona.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's your relationship with your dad like?

[Aaron Marsh]

It's all right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Wow, that was a really high tone. You got to on that one. Really good. Oh, it's okay. Let me ask you this final question, okay? For my psychology test. Dad, what does he do for work?

[Aaron Marsh]

He's an engineer for Raytheon.

[Fahim Anwar]

Oh, I used to do an engineer. I used to be an engineer at Boeing. What kind of engineering?

[Aaron Marsh]

No code clue.

[Fahim Anwar]

All right. Good relationship.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have no clue is the name of this undercover operation.

[Gerard Carmichael]

This is like. This is like fahim. This is your life. This is like people that identify with.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm from Seattle. He has a Malcolm X tattoo and one of fahim on the other breast. When I say breast, you know what I'm talking about. Anyway,

[Red Band]

you know I have a poem published about Martin Luther King in a book.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh, I didn't see that.

[Gerard Carmichael]

Can I. Can I tell you? Can I tell you legitimately? Me too. That's great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, you do? Oh, you have one published in the book? That's what you said.

[Red Band]

When I was a child, I wrote this poem and somebody said, like, the teacher sent it to somebody and they put it in this book and they published it. It was such an awesome.

[Iron Patriot]

Legitimately.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you remember what it is?

[Gerard Carmichael]

The same story?

[Aaron Marsh]

Was it the same book?

[Gerard Carmichael]

That'd be crazy if we.

[Fahim Anwar]

Do you have a copy of it?

[Red Band]

My mom just tell you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm pretty sure our accidental racist, the Iron Patriot's puking in his helmet right now.

[Gerard Carmichael]

It sound like you were vomiting the word nigger.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Patriot. What do you think about him having a tattoo of Malcolm X?

[Iron Patriot]

I almost had sex two years ago.

[Red Band]

There you have it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He almost went.

[Iron Patriot]

I massaged this girl's feet and I helped her move in for a whole week. I worked my ass off. I brought my truck. And you know what I learned after that? If a girl isn't attracted to you, it doesn't matter if you fly her to the moon. She is not gonna get down with you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, well, you say that like you flew her to the moon.

[Iron Patriot]

I moved her in for a whole week. It was hard ass work. It was way up into a place in the hills. It was that girl Jennifer Corbin that was on that series lingerie on Cinemax.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus Christ.

[Iron Patriot]

Listen, let me tell you she was one of the seafood review in Dirty Crabber. That's how I know her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Wait, what's the seafood review?

[Iron Patriot]

The Dirty Crabber dancer. It's back in Dallas. She was here, but her daughter, she wants to bring her daughter and her too young and she wants to dance with me. Once I get this song going again,

[Red Band]

we'll have something arranged.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Share My Banana. I feel like he's just. He just keeps promoting himself. Like every hit counts for this video called Share My Banana out there on YouTube.

[Red Band]

Should have brought tequila. That last day of helping her move, man, it probably would have changed everything.

[Iron Patriot]

I don't know what happened, brother, but it just didn't materialize.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Do you ever have a drink with a girl? Did you ever try to do it?

[Iron Patriot]

You know, I got stoned with her, but that didn't work good. Like, like. What was that? Kill Tony. We were talking about that where Red band said that you don't wanna. Oh, that. That was Kill Tony six when they. The rock climber that was trying to impress the girl.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, I remember that. Aaron Marsh. Everybody put your hands together for Aaron. Aaron Marsh. That's. Aaron is 5ft2. Aaron is 5foot2, abbreviated Foot. Aaron is 5foot2 with two A's in the. Aaron. On Twitter at. Aaron is 5foot2. If you. I want to tweet him any tags to his tattoo thing. Malcolm X. That's interesting. See, what I was getting at with the Phoenix and dad thing was I was wondering if he got the mouth, if the dad was a racist and he got the tattoo to, like, disappoint his dad. Like, you know, like, white chicks will bang black eyes. You know what I mean? Get a tattoo of, like, Jamal's above their vagina and be like, hey, dad, look at my new tattoo. And the dad's just like, what the fuck? You know what the.

[Gerard Carmichael]

A friend, Angelo had a really racist father.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Gerard Carmichael]

And he used to. He used to put the television on BET and hide the remote.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is so Angelo. Wildebeest of a monster of the funniest guy ever. Yeah. Well, this is the part of the show where we have our two regulars come up. Thanks to all the comedians who signed up who didn't get up. Keep coming back. Hopefully you'll get on next week or something like that. You guys are always awesome. It's exciting to get a lot of new people up tonight, and I'm always happy about that. But this regular part of the show, we have two lovely young ladies that have been doing a new 67 seconds each week since the show's inception 15 weeks ago. This is episode 15 in a row. And so here they are again, going one at a time, starting with. As always, she was on episode one because she was the only female in the entire room at the time when this thing was just getting kickstarted. And she's here for you again. Put your hands together for the one and only Sarah Mostajabi.

[Sarah Mostajabi]

So I don't know if you guys know, but every time you sneeze, it stimulates your nerves equivalent to one tenth of an orgasm. So I've learned how to masturbate with pepper. I spent an hour at a strip club last week because I don't know which way my dick swings. And I guess having money pisses me off, so. So I think the man show had like a lasting effect on my sexuality. I've got. It sucks. I'm not good at talking to girls. I don't know how to fucking tell a girl that. I'm into it. I've got the game of like a 13 year old Jewish boy. It doesn't fucking work out. I accidentally told this girl she was really hot and she gave me a free lemonade. So you could say it's going well. Wish that wasn't true. All right. Yeah. All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Awesome. Sarah Mostajabi, everyone. You guys have any initial thoughts?

[Gerard Carmichael]

They have eliminated strip clubs. This is a separate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was a different.

[Gerard Carmichael]

Okay, cool. I connected it all to strip club.

[Sarah Mostajabi]

Take the journey with me.

[Gerard Carmichael]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. You're definitely jumping from a Jesus. No, there is something there about. There's some good jokes in there. First of all, I like the pepper thing. I see what you're getting at with the lemonade thing, but the reason why. And I'm with you on this draw, the reason why it seems a little mish mosh is because your segues into a new thing are coming across as you're talking about the same subject, but you're not. You're sort of jumping around. Yeah, there was. There's the part about orgasming and then it was into something else. And then it's into something else, but it doesn't seem clear. We're assuming that you're sort of staying in the pocket, but you're sort of doing one liners without super clear segues, which is fine because you're doing 60 seconds and you're trying to do new things, but it's not clear when one thing ends and when another thing starts. So be aware of that because a setup is always just as important as A punch line with the pepper thing. I think that it's sort of tag worthy. Like, I think that that's a good premise to stay in the pocket in with something. You know, if pepper makes you sneeze, then, I mean, if, if, if pepper. If sneezing makes you orgasm.

[Sarah Mostajabi]

I know when I sneeze 10 times, like three times in a row, I'm like, oh, fuck yeah. Jesus, it's. I love sneezing, you guys. I'm like, really?

[Red Band]

Maybe a negative being. You're spending twice as much money on clean Kleenexes, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Twice as much money on Kleenexes. But you're saving as a man, but you're sick. Wait, what?

[Sarah Mostajabi]

Guys, what'd you say? I don't know how jacking off works. I'm sorry.

[Fahim Anwar]

So wait, what was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We don't know what you're talking about.

[Fahim Anwar]

What'd you say? With a man or whatever. I didn't hear it.

[Sarah Mostajabi]

Oh, Kleenex. As you said, buy more Kleenexes. And I said, or spending as much on Kleenexes as in the guy.

[Fahim Anwar]

Right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, That's a different thing altogether. Other. But you could say that, you know, you save money because you're off your allergy medications. You know, I think in this. In this fantasy world where you're. Where sneezing is giving you an orgasm and you're talking about how you do it, I would get more into it. What else would you do if sneezing really gave you an orgasm? Like, hang out with, you know, just cats. There you go. That guy just yelled feathers. So now. So now I go to the. Now I go to pack pet Smart. Just to blow a load. You know what I mean?

[Red Band]

Yeah, perfect. You know, I carry a hamster in my pocket or something, right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All of a sudden. All of a sudden, looking at a cat through. Looking at a cat in a pet store is like one of those, you know, striptease things in. Oh, oh, in the red light district.

[Red Band]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what I mean?

[Red Band]

Jerk off booth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's like a jerk off booth and a pet store. Yeah, that. That's something. This is more the tag it and

[Fahim Anwar]

then almost sneezing could be like blue balls for you or whatever, right?

[Sarah Mostajabi]

Like three. I get to. I've sneezed up to like six times and I was like, so angry and disappointed. I was like, come on, give me a little more. I know it's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm in the lemonade thing. You're talking about it being a little girl, right? A little kid. No, okay. So then I didn't even get it. I thought I got it and I didn't get it either.

[Sarah Mostajabi]

What I said is, and if Jarrod

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

and I don't get it, then no, nobody's getting it.

[Sarah Mostajabi]

By the way, what I said was that. And I. I accidentally, like, told this girl she was really hot. Like, I didn't mean like it was. I was saying it was hot outside, but she took it. Like I said, you're hot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Gotcha.

[Sarah Mostajabi]

And. But. And it was a little awkward, but I did, I did get a free lemonade, so it went well.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Gotcha. Yeah, I like it. You know, Good work.

[Sarah Mostajabi]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys have anything else for Sarah Mostajabi? Everybody knocking it out. A few more jokes, adding on to the big thing. One of these episodes we're gonn about having her and Kimberly do a longer set one show. So we'll figure that out something maybe around the holiday season or something.

[Red Band]

Sarah dresses on Twitter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, follow her on Twitter as always. I know a lot of you already are. Her and Comic Patriot have huge fans and they always reach out. It's so great. As does this young lady, our other super regular. Put your hands together for every week something new and fun. She quit college to stay here and keep chasing her dream of doing stand up. She was completely built out of this room. Put your hands together for the one and only Kimberly Kong dinner.

[Sarah Mostajabi]

Today was a good day, guys. It was a good day. I stepped on the scale and I lost three pounds. Thanks. Yeah, it's exciting. I'm on this new diet. It's called comic. Yeah, it's going really well. You're guaranteed to lose at least three pounds and a lot of pride. So I'm hungry all the time. That means I'm going on a lot of dates. Yeah, I mean, I just want what every other girl wants. Affection, attention, allowance. I'm just a seven who thinks she's a ten, who's looking for a nine who thinks he's a three.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How the fuck. I mean, what have we created here? A monster Leggero Silverman handler? Look the fuck out because it's Kimberly Congdon and she's coming. How old are you?

[Sarah Mostajabi]

22.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you been doing stand up?

[Sarah Mostajabi]

Like two and a half months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Suck my dick, everybody. Unfucking believable. You're killing it.

[Red Band]

Good job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Everything comes across so naturally. It's probably the best performance by anyone all night, by the way. It just came across as comfortable and everything's funny and I just love what you're doing. You guys Hit it. What do you think about Kimberly?

[Gerard Carmichael]

I legitimately like you. Really, really good.

[Sarah Mostajabi]

Yeah, I like you.

[Gerard Carmichael]

I have to add the word legit because I'm nice to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Plus, sometimes we think that people think that it's a misdirect coming for, like, a big joke at the end. Like, I like you, but.

[Gerard Carmichael]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, for real.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, for real.

[Gerard Carmichael]

Really? Really. It was like a warmth.

[Sarah Mostajabi]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There is. There's an adorability about you that if you back it with Joe jokes, it's just like thunder and lightning.

[Fahim Anwar]

Yeah, yeah. Like, you're pretty comfortable for how little, you know, you've been doing it. And then the structure's there too. And I think you're gonna be. You're more comfortable the more you do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. And you've been going up as much as you can.

[Jessamine]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Awesome. Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Killing it. What can I say? What can I say? Our little baby monster ending with an applause break. The only person to say, that's my time. Not to say, that's my time. She ended in an applause break. What a great way to end the show. You guys have anything you want to promote to our many, many fun, awesome listeners? Shows coming up or Twitter handles and all that?

[Fahim Anwar]

Fahimanor. That's my Twitter website.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

V manor.com F A H I M a N W a R. Yeah, like it's always spelled. Yep. Look, Pete, look. Let me tell you something. I'm from the Midwest in Ohio. You don't know how to spell Fahee.

[Iron Patriot]

Yeah, I learned that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I learned that out here.

[Gerard Carmichael]

Yeah.

[Fahim Anwar]

Just my sketch group, goatface comedy.com. that's about it. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Awesome. Gerard.

[Gerard Carmichael]

I got nothing, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Gerard Carmichael]

Yeah. But no, this was great. Thank you so much for having me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Gerard. I mean, such a pleasure to have you guys. Absolutely. Two of the. I said on the patio earlier, I go, you guys, you know, I give a little announcement sometimes about the guests. And I go, these are the two funniest guys, the funniest young guys that I know. So it can only be a win, win signing up. And I was so happy to have you guys, so thank you so much.

[Fahim Anwar]

Thanks for having me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The Comic Patriot. As always, he's the Iron Patriot, but on Twitter, he's the Comic Patriot. Huge episode for you, my friend. You are fucking hilarious. Catch Red Band and I in Phoenix on September 26, and then the following

[Red Band]

day in Columbus, Ohio, on the 27th. Go to Dead Squad TV.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, please go to Columbus on the 22nd. And join me at the Ohio State game on the 28th versus Wisconsin or night game. Holy shit. And the new shirt. Yes, J.R. steiner.

[J.R. Steiner]

September 30th, after Red Band and Tony come to Phoenix to perform. We're releasing a new shirt that night for people that come. But September 30th will be the Golden Pony T shirt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, the new Golden Pony T shirt is coming via JR Steiner. Thank you so much to the Death Squatters for coming out. Thank you for the listeners. Thank you. Good night.

[Red Band]

Stay tuned for the Ding Dong show with Don Barris.