KILL TONY #770 - TOM SEGURA + SHERYL UNDERWOOD

Summary

Kill Tony #770 — Live from Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX

Date: June 1, 2026
Hosts: Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban
Guests: Tom Segura & Cheryl Underwood

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Episode Overview

This episode of Kill Tony delivers a wild ride at the Comedy Mothership in Austin, Texas. Host Tony Hinchcliffe steers a raucous lineup of open-mic comics, joined by the legendary Tom Segura and the razor-sharp Cheryl Underwood. As always, comics pull their name from the infamous bucket for 60 seconds of raw stage time, immediately followed by a rapid-fire panel roast, advice, and interviews. Several new faces make memorable (and sometimes chaotic) impressions. Standouts include heartfelt stories, wild crowd work, dark humor, and high-level roasts. The episode is especially spicy and unpredictable, packed with both genuine insights for aspiring comics and relentless, unfiltered banter.

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Main Guests & Their Roles

• Tony Hinchcliffe (Host): Ringmaster, roast master, and crowd conductor.
• Brian Redban (Co-host): Sidekick, comic relief, and soundboard operator.
• Tom Segura: Mega-star comedian, Netflix special "Bad Thoughts" plug, panelist offering tough love and technical advice.
• Cheryl Underwood: Comedy icon, fresh off Netflix’s Roast of Kevin Hart, dropping hard truths, rapid-fire punchlines, and mentorship.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

Cheryl Underwood:

• [16:00] "But we will boo a blind person. We don’t give a fuck."
• [41:42] (to a comic with odd vibes) “I think you’re a quirky personality that could be a great actor, but stand-up… stand-up not.”
• [66:01] “That’s the show! You knocked up a stripper, you keep the baby, and she robbed somebody to get money. I’d watch that shit every motherfucking day.”

Tom Segura:

• [30:24] “Even if you’ve only been doing it for a couple years and twice a month, you should come to this prepared, with your best, because this is a great opportunity.”
• [79:56] (to G Pow) “If you lose 50 pounds, you’ll still be huge. Don’t think you can’t. You can lose 100 and everyone will be like, ‘That’s the biggest guy I’ve ever seen!’”

Tony Hinchcliffe:

• [25:52] (To Max): “That set was shittier than your girlfriend’s fingers. Unbelievable.”
• [70:00] “No, your mom is a great dad. That’s what’s happening.”
• [115:20] “This is by far the best person ever. I don’t know what’s real and what’s not.”

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Key Segments & Timestamps

1. Guest Introductions and Setup ([00:00–05:58])

• Hype intro for live show, sponsors and tour dates.
• Tony introduces Tom Segura and Cheryl Underwood, celebrating Cheryl’s post-roast Netflix special deal.

2. Show Format Explained ([05:00–05:35])

• Tony lays out the “bucket” system, 60 seconds for open mic comics, followed by interview and roast.

3. Regular: Dedrick Flynn’s Set ([06:23–08:45])

• Joke theme: Cost of buying his first couch, plastic wrap, “boneless” vs “bone-in” couch, old TV, blender.
• Tony/Tom/Cheryl riff about furniture expenses, cultural references, and Dedrick’s “platinum black card.”

4. Bucket Comic: Princess Rubber Ducky ([12:43–13:51])

• Blind, diabetic, ex-auto shop manager, former tow truck driver.
• Standout joke: “Going to Catholic Church as a child has given me incredible dick sucking posture: sit, stand, kneel.”
• Cheryl’s tough-love feedback: “Polish those jokes, get a little more focused, and try not to be so shocking. ...But we will boo a blind person.”

5. Bucket Comic: Max Imam ([24:41–27:26])

• Joke theme: Girlfriend as “scrote goat,” fingers-in-butt story.
• Panel roast: Tony and Cheryl rip into his lack of preparation (“That set was shittier than your girlfriend’s fingers”), Tom gives comedically stern advice on respecting the opportunity.

6. Bucket Comic: Nelo Mac/Joel ([31:36–37:38])

• Joke theme: Golden age of advertising, “dancing black folks in commercials.”
• Tries to be edgy, but panel is mostly confused.
• Claims to make donuts, admits to being unemployed.
• Cheryl: “You look like a motherfucker that would kidnap a bitch and wear my skin.”
• Tony tries, unsuccessfully, to get anything real from him.

7. Standout: Blix Hanson ([38:14–46:59])

• Joke theme: Sex toys and unexpected “hot ones” mishap with butt plug and pepper spray.
• Reveals he manipulates Google search results as a “gray hat.”
• Cheryl: “You're a quirky personality ...could be a great actor, but stand-up… stand-up not.”

8. Heap of Stand-Ups with Life Stories & Killer Crowd Work ([48:14–77:04])

• Chris Longoria ([48:14]) - Immigration/green card dating story, advice to speed up story structure.
• Sir Winston Pickles ([55:36]) - UK transplant with dark, well-crafted jokes (Boston Marathon bombing, supermarket gags), hailed as “a true showman.”
• Ronnie Fryer ([61:42]) - Single dad, ex-Enterprise employee, raising stripper’s child alone while baby mama’s in prison.
• G Pow ([71:20]) - Overeaters Anonymous, dating a 50-year-old woman, works at Trader Joe’s, gets booked live for another show.

9. Hall of Fame Sets ([81:56–90:41])

• David Lucas returns:
  Jokes on dating white women, eating pussy “sniper position,” black superstitions, epic roast battle with Tony.
  • [85:07] “Tom and Cheryl look like the first interracial couple to go to prom and Tony looks like the girl Tom actually fucked that night.”
  • Superstitions: Not putting purse on the floor, sweeping feet means jail time: “Maybe somebody swept George Floyd’s feet…” [86:49]
  • Tony and David trade relentless barbs.

10. Unhinged Wildcards ([98:24–116:05])

• Stephen Glenn:
  Parody of Cheers theme, clown suit, odd voice, history as a child actor for a Christian TV show. The panel is baffled, then enchanted.
  • “You are something else. I love your style. Here’s a big J joke book. Take a bow.” ([115:20])

11. Final Highlights

• Pat O’Neal:
  Closing the show with crisp, dark one-liners (gender reveal abortion joke, vasectomy as trans microdosing, bathroom crime misdirects).
  • Cheryl: “To me, you have something very irreverent, but it has humanity. Don’t let nobody tell you what you can’t do… Don’t let nobody take this shit away from you.” ([126:11])

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Panel Feedback/Advice Themes

• Use your best material: "Don’t waste a precious opportunity on fresh/unfinished bits." (Tom Segura, [30:24])
• Work on stage presence and joke mechanics. (Cheryl Underwood, [30:27])
• Move the punchline up—there’s no time for long story arcs in one minute. (Both panelists, multiple segments)
• Commit to prepping for every major set.
• “Writing about what you know is what standup kind of is.” (Tony, [46:59])

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Running Gags & Recurring Content

• “Two-year” club: Several comics confess to performing stand-up for about two years, leading to friendly roast and camaraderie.
• Killer references to black superstitions and single Black/white fathers.
• Ongoing jokes about audience diversity, “golden ticket” comics, weirdest jobs, and “crazy uncles” onstage.
• Multiple comics admit to living in hotels and Airbnbs to chase comedy dreams.
• “Platinum black card” and “sniper eating position” become instant memes.

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Noteworthy Crowd Pops

• [77:04] G Pow gets booked on Redban’s secret show after a killer set.
• [129:11] Announcement of upcoming shows at Madison Square Garden, new tour dates for all the principals.

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Episode In A Nutshell

An unruly, at times deeply heartfelt, other times riotously offensive, showcase of stand-up struggle and triumph—with cameos by comics ranging from blind, diabetic, ex-mechanics to donut shop employees, to viral bucket phenoms. Tom Segura and Cheryl Underwood offer unmatched real talk, roasts, and guidance. Show closes with stone-cold punchlines, classic roast battles, and promises of bigger stages for the best of the night. From off-the-wall bits to future headliners, this is the full Kill Tony experience—mystery, mayhem, and all.

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For Comedy Fans & Aspiring Comics

This episode is a master class in surviving and thriving on one of comedy’s most unpredictable stages. From brutal honesty about material prep to surprises about real-life struggles and the joys of bombing, it captures every high and low with unfiltered honesty and humor.

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Must-Listen Segments

• Dedrick Flynn’s Couch Set: [06:23–08:45]
• Princess Rubber Ducky/Catholic Trauma: [12:43–13:51]
• David Lucas’ Hall-of-Fame Roast Battle: [81:56–90:41]
• G Pow Crushes (Age Gap + Fat Jokes): [71:20–77:04]
• Stephen Glenn’s Clown Chaos: [98:24–116:05]
• Pat O’ Neal’s Pitch-Black Closer: [124:08–126:44]

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“Anything can happen on Kill Tony. And tonight, pretty much ALL of it did.”

Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe.

[B]

You can also check out shopsquad TV

[A]

for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever. Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Fredbeck coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Head. Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? Right here, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. And how about one more time for the best damn band in all the land? That's the Kill Tony Band, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. You are here. You made it to the number one live podcast in the world. Brad to you by Shopify, Talk Space and ZipRecruiter. How we fucking feeling tonight, huh? I love it. We're about to have a blast. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible tonight. Hey, y'. All. We're going to be in New York, New York, at Madison Square Garden, August 7th and 8th. We will be in Dallas, Texas, Saturday, September 26th, and Houston in Sugar Land again on Saturday, October 17th. Get tickets, see Kill Tony live. There's nothing like it. Whether someone's bombing or killing, get in on all the action. Go to tonyhenchclip.com for tickets right now. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? You know, we are just. Business is booming right now. I feel so good about things and I feel so good about tonight's damn booking. Two of the best comedians in the world. You know them, you love them. Make some noise for tonight's guests, Tom Segura and Cheryl Underwood. Oh, my God. Hell yeah. Gerald motherfucking Underwood. Tom Segura. Yes. We are living the dream. Let's fucking go, baby. Cheryl Underwood, fresh off of the Roast of Kevin Hart, immediately signed to a one hour special produced by Kevin Hart, brought to you by Netflix. Smashed so hard. Immediately signed a one fucking special deal.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

How awesome.

[C]

You did it for me. We make a good salt and pepper tea.

[A]

You're damn right. We sat next to each other all night. We took it.

[C]

Absolutely.

[A]

And then we delivered. Two hours into that thing, they tried to bury us. And we said that, let's go.

[C]

You said go with that.

[A]

She is on the I Need a Job tour. I don't think she really needs one much longer. I think she did it.

[C]

I need money with Kyle Irby is on the tour with me. Yes, but wait a minute. So this is two hours of what?

[A]

You're going to love it. It's. We're going to watch.

[B]

No.

[C]

Cuz I thought we was going to kill Tony for two hours.

[A]

Well, a lot of. A lot of people that look like you do want to kill me right now.

[C]

But wait, hold.

[B]

What happened?

[C]

What's new today that they want to

[D]

catch some shit for something?

[C]

You're right.

[A]

Tom Segura is here, ladies and gentlemen. Battle out right now. When this is released, it is out on Netflix. And he's doing a cool little new material show July 7th and 8th in Oxnard, California. A little something there. How about one more time for Tom Segura? Thank you very much. Cheryl Underwood, ladies and gentlemen. What a dynamic duo. So Cheryl, here's what happened. There's 250 human beings now. We're not going to get through all of them. Okay, but if I pull the name out of this bucket, right, that means they get 60 seconds uninterrupted on this stage.

[C]

So this is like running a train of comedy. Is that what this is?

[A]

Yep, absolutely.

[D]

And some people are not mentally well.

[A]

Yes, exactly. For example, the first name I pulled here, you can't make it up. It's Princess Rubber Ducky is what we're going to end up seeing.

[C]

Okay. I heard Princess and I automatically thought black.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Then I heard Rubber Ducky and then I went, well, maybe not.

[A]

You know, their 60 seconds is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That's how we all know. And then they have a few extra seconds or else the angry West Hollywood bear interrupts them. Since it's show's inception, we needed a louder noise to cut them off. And then I conduct an interview. The entire show is improvised. Anything can happen.

[C]

So this is like Showtime at the Apollo for white people.

[A]

You're exactly right. And for black people.

[C]

Okay, I'm ready.

[A]

I'm ready. It's every shape and size. We have it all. We have trans mans, clans. We have everything here. Any. Anything can happen.

[C]

The clan.

[E]

What.

[C]

What is you. What is you going to do? Danny Glover? That motherfucker look just like Danny Glover.

[A]

Don't. That is the first time I've heard him call D. Glover. I can't believe I missed that. It's been years. You do look like Danny Glover. Gold for this.

[C]

Okay, I'm ready. I'm ready.

[A]

Whatever. All right, well, we're going to get it started with one of our regulars. This guy writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. Not easy to do in front of millions of people. Let's see what he's got cooked up for us tonight. He was originally called the Dark Storm of Atlanta. He is now the Dark Storm of Austin, Texas. Make some noise. This is a brand new minute from the great Dedrick Flynn, everybody.

[B]

What's up, y'?

[A]

All?

[B]

This is my first time in my life I'm living by myself, and this shit is bullshit. I was not ready for this. I don't have the right shit to live by myself. I had to go fucking buy a couch, nigga. And why didn't y' all tell me couch cost car money?

[A]

This shit was.

[B]

I walked into the store and I was like, yo, I need some couches. He said, how many? I said, I need enough for six asses to sit down, right? He said, you want a bone in couch or you want a boneless couch? And I was like, nigga, like, hot wings, let me get the bone in. I'm an Atlanta nigga. We like bone in wings. And then he went and he said, well, these two right here is gonna be $10,000. And I was like, nigga, that's a 2015 Honda CRV with 85,000 miles on there. Nigga, don't argue with me. Argue with Kelly Boo Book. I said, well, how much for the goddamn bonus couches then? And then he said, It'll be about 800. I said, Y' all got payment plan? And so I got the boneless couch. And then now I get why it costs less. Cause these niggas shipped it to me, and the shit came in vacuum sealed like the drugs I used to sell. Nigga, that shit was crazy. But then on the outside of the plastic, it says, do not cut with a knife. Well, then, n. How am I gonna get in there, right? How am I gonna get in there? And then I finally cut the plastic, and my. It went like that, like, out of there. I was like, these niggas couldn't breathe.

[A]

Can I keep going? Okay, yeah.

[B]

So now that I done spent fucking $800, now I get why my grandmama couch was wrapped in plastic. Like, also, I'mma let y' all niggas know if y' all come to my house and I ask you to have a seat, you better sit the fuck down. Nigga, I gotta get my money's. Dare you not to. I pull my gun out. Like, nigga, sit down. Sit down. And then put that fucking $75 throw blanket on, nigga. Get comfy. Let me show you the rest of the shit I bought. You want to see my blender, nigga? You want to see?

[A]

I got this blender.

[B]

200 fucking dollars, nigga. You drinking a smoothie? If you come, nigga, you drinking a smoothie, nigga. I got a guest bedroom. You stay in the night, nigga. You got to stay the night. That's my time.

[A]

Let's fucking go. What a way to start the show. Wow. A brand new 2 minutes and 20 seconds from our resident regular, Dedrick Flynn. Absolutely incredible spot on stuff. Amazing, Dedrick. And it is so true. I really. I never really bought a fresh couch before until a couple years ago. Like, it was always hand me downs and forever and. And, yeah, it ain't easy. And it is bizarre. And you really captured everything about a couch. You really covered it, man. Not easy out there. I noticed a lot of couches were hard. And while a lot of people think I like to sit on hard things, it took me forever to find a soft enough couch for me. Like, it's not easy. A lot of them are too firm. Crazy stuff.

[D]

Tom Segura, you know, you have a lot to say about that. There's so many different types of couches and beds and furniture, and it's a crazy market. And when you get out there, it really is.

[C]

I've never heard it called a couch.

[D]

Yeah, what do you call it?

[C]

A button. To say that he hasn't sat on a hard one in a while. Glad you're telling the people who you are.

[A]

I'm coming out.

[C]

Stand up for yourself.

[A]

That's right.

[C]

But when he said he couldn't breathe, I went all, damn.

[A]

Oh, I know. Oh, I know.

[C]

I wasn't here. I wasn't here.

[D]

That set was incredible.

[C]

Yes, it was very, very good. Well put together.

[F]

Thank you.

[C]

Well put. So you didn't have a couch at first?

[G]

No.

[B]

Every couch I ever had was either found or there when I got there.

[C]

Okay, but then when you got the new couch, did you put the old couch on the front porch?

[B]

No, I just moved straight into the supply. I didn't have nothing. All I bought before I moved in was a big ass tv. Cause I'm an old nigga now.

[G]

Real talk.

[B]

I found one gray hair. So I said, I want to get a big ass tv Right on. And then I was like, oh, yeah, Niggas got to sit down to watch Real Talk.

[C]

Real talk. True. I'm digging it.

[A]

I'm Digging it.

[C]

You was about to lose your black card on a couple of them statements, but I'm getting what you said.

[D]

Didn't love your shirt, by the way.

[C]

Oh, mine?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, so you know what this is?

[A]

Yes, ma'.

[G]

Am.

[C]

You know what 1831 means?

[G]

Yes, ma'.

[B]

Am.

[C]

Real talk.

[B]

Yes, ma'. Am.

[C]

Got your platinum black card back on.

[A]

Oh, shit. Platinum black card.

[G]

Yes.

[D]

I mean, I fucking knew the white

[C]

people going, what the fuck are they talking about? They always talking about something we can't weigh in on. Come on, Black people have a meeting without us.

[A]

Damn it. From what I understand, the platinum black card's the only card you guys have that works properly, right? Actually, hold on, hold on now.

[C]

Okay, now, don't let me pull out my shit now. Netflix paid very, very well.

[A]

Absolutely. I got.

[C]

I'm not an. Oh, Lord, I hope that it go.

[A]

No, God damn it.

[C]

I got an accountant.

[A]

Just a reminder, she's on the I need a job tour.

[E]

That's right.

[C]

How I'mma pay off the credit card if I have a job? Are you talking about. Okay, I'm sorry, We don't want to prolong this.

[A]

No, I love it.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Ah, Dedrick, that's a fantastic set. You got us started, man. With an unbelievable two. And here we go. It has begun. And now we go to the bucket. As you fans know, this is where Shik gets crazy, cuz. Anything can happen. And as promised, your first bucket pool. Doing an uninterrupted one minute long set. Goes by the name of Princess Rubber Ducky, ladies and gentlemen,

[H]

I've been noticing. I've been saying y' all a lot lately, and I have a few issues with that. My first issue is that I'm not from that part of Virginia. My second issue with it is I stopped saying it when I was a kid because I got made fun of at church for saying it. And yes, it was a Catholic church. Catholics are horrible people. I should know.

[C]

I'm one of them.

[H]

And you can tell I'm a practicing Catholic because I don't go to church. I try to get to confession, but every time I get walking in the right direction, I end up getting turned around by some Latter Day Saints. So I'm assuming that's how I ended up here. But I can say this. Going to Catholic Church as a child has benefited me greatly, for one thing, as an adult, and that is, it's given me incredible dick sucking posture. Sit, stand, kneel. And I can say that joke in good taste. Because when I went to Catholic church, I didn't identify as a little boy.

[A]

Okay. Princess Rubber Ducky, ladies and gentlemen, welcome Princess Rubber Ducky. A very religious set.

[H]

Thank you.

[A]

Guessing you.

[H]

I wear my crucifix just for you.

[A]

Okay. Absolutely.

[H]

Thank you.

[A]

Amazing.

[H]

They took my duckies backstage.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

All right.

[A]

There's a lot going on there. So Princess Rubber Ducky, I'm guessing you practice blind faith. Let's go.

[H]

The only time I deny Jesus, Tony, is when I need to get stoned.

[A]

Wow. All right. How long you been on stand up, Princess Rubber Ducky?

[H]

Don't tell anybody. Less than two years.

[A]

Okay. And we can tell. Absolutely amazing. So have you been blind your whole life, princess? Okay, what happened?

[H]

Type 1 diabetes. It's a mfer.

[A]

Let's check in with Cheryl Underwood Here, our type 1 diabetes senior correspondent, Cheryl Underwood. You're damn straight.

[C]

You goddamn right. First of all, on behalf of those who talk to God every day, when you walked up here with the white cane and. Are you pregnant?

[A]

Oh, fuck.

[C]

I'm trying to figure out what the fuck is happening.

[A]

Welcome to the roast of Princess Rubber Ducky.

[C]

Yes. And then she. She's been noticing. What the fuck is you noticing? Ain't you blind? And why are you talking against the Catholic church when we got a new black pope from Haiti by way of Chicago? Now, listen, the only thing I related to was the dick sucking jokes because I am a professional. But as a fellow female comic, I applaud you for having the courage to get up and do this. What I'm asking you to do is polish those jokes, get a little more focused and try not to be so shocking, but kind of pull the set together. Cause you're not a bad comic.

[A]

Thank you.

[C]

But we will boo a blind person. We don't give a fuck.

[H]

I'll never see it coming.

[C]

But you'll hear it.

[A]

There you go.

[C]

You'll hear it, bitch. Cause I heard that blind people hearing is good than a motherfucker.

[H]

Not with you around.

[C]

We gon boo your ass like Showtime at the Apollo up in this motherfucker.

[H]

Not with you around here.

[C]

Get these jokes right, bitch don't come back and forth with me. Now, hold on, bitch. I was trying to help yo get pregnant. I want to see the. That's the blind talking about God with type 1 diabetes. How the. You a white woman with diabetes?

[H]

Happens to the best of us.

[A]

Yeah, what was it?

[C]

The reason she blind is God struck her blind jokes now, don't you? Okay, I ain't gonna say somebody.

[A]

Princess. Talk about the president. Princess Rubber Duckies.

[C]

She going to lose all her benefits when Trump here.

[H]

That's why I'm here.

[A]

All right, relax, Rubber Ducky, relax. Let the professionals.

[C]

It's the only rubber she's ever used. Okay, I'm sorry.

[A]

You're doing great.

[D]

How blind are you?

[A]

Yeah, how blind are you?

[D]

How blind are you?

[C]

Are you Ray Charles blind? Are you Jose Feliciano blind?

[H]

2% in my right eye, 2% in my left eye. But I see flashing lights and snow and like, I can see see your outline, but I couldn't pick you out of a lineup.

[D]

All right, you're doing great.

[A]

Yeah. Let me. Let me ask you. Princess Rubber Ducky, because I always find it so compelling and interesting. So what exactly did you consume or do a lot of to make this happen?

[D]

She's got type one.

[A]

Oh, that. Is that not the sugar one?

[D]

No.

[A]

Oh, okay, whatever. Ingram 1.

[C]

Oh, here we were here.

[A]

Yeah. I'm like, how much strawberry lemonade does it take? Exactly?

[D]

It's just God on this one.

[A]

It's really just God. Exciting. So, Prince Princess Rubber Ducky. What.

[B]

What do.

[A]

Do you. What do you. Or did you do for a living? Like, what are some fun facts about your actual life?

[H]

So I used to. Well, I start. Well, I wanted to join the military when 911 happened and type 1 diabetes shut that down for me. And so I got into automotive and I did auto body. Took first place in auto body and welding. Kicked my ex boyfriend's ass. And then I transferred it over to mechanics and then I started running shops. By the time I was 21, I managed seven Jiffy Lubes and then took that to driving a tow truck, learning parts department. I could do anything automotive related and I made six figures doing it.

[A]

Tom Segura.

[D]

I mean, are you blown reminder you just have brain damage? That was the longest answer to that. Jesus Christ.

[A]

That was incredible. That's a long resume.

[D]

You have frontal lobe damage as well.

[H]

I left my car here somewhere.

[A]

Anybody that needs their car fixed, if you have a muffler problem and want your oil changed or vice versa, Princess Lubrication is here for you. All right.

[D]

About those BJ's. All right.

[A]

Princess Rubber Ducky, before I let you go, where do you live? You live here in Austin?

[H]

I moved here to Austin in November.

[A]

Oh, congratulations. What do you love about Austin, Texas?

[H]

The accessibility. Like, I moved somewhere. We had no public bus. We didn't even have freaking sidewalks. Like, I love it here.

[A]

Amazing.

[H]

Do everything, go everywhere and it's been a game changer.

[A]

Amazing. D Madness. What do you think about There being a thick, white blind woman on this stage right now. We have to check in with our blind bass player. D Madness.

[H]

Gift for D Madness.

[A]

Princess Rubber Ducky.

[H]

I have a gift for D Madness. I really do. I've been carrying this since like I went through Mineral, Virginia.

[A]

You're looking the wrong way. Look the other way. Over here. Over here. To your left. Princess Rubber Ducky.

[H]

That is my left.

[A]

Keep going, keep going, keep going. Little bit more. There you go. That's ghost enough. All right. D Madness. Okay, I'm still.

[H]

Am I showing it or am I

[A]

getting Princess Rubber Ducky? Shut the up. Okay, yeah, cuz I know you're blind, but be a mute for 30 seconds.

[H]

I can't.

[C]

I'm a woman.

[A]

Shut up.

[I]

Oh, Lord, today.

[A]

D Madness. What do you think about there being a blind, thick, white woman on this stage? Very interesting. Oh, look at that. Looks like he struck a note.

[G]

She's five, ten.

[D]

One, two, five.

[H]

I wish.

[B]

Oh,

[A]

all right. What did you. What do you. What gift do you have for D Madness?

[H]

It is a miniature red flag black Jesus.

[A]

Oh, okay. That is a little black Jesus. No doubt about it. All right, well, here you go. When you get off stage, you're gonna walk right by him. So there she goes, Princess Rubber Ducky. Ladies and gentlemen, the lovely Heidi. How about a hand for Heidi, huh? Absolutely killing it. Our favorite little barker's beauty.

[C]

See, when Heidi came out, only thing I thought was, it's the before and after of GLP1. That's what it is. It's the before and after. So the blind bitch is before and Heidi is the after.

[A]

I gave her a big joke book just cause it seems like it'd be more fun to feel she didn't really earn it, but she deserves to touch that le. All right. Tony. Yeah.

[D]

She asked her if she was pregnant.

[A]

Oh, my God. I think she's got a. She's got an 8 ounce, 7 pound, 8 ounce tumor in her belly she might not even have known about. Was a good question, by the way. She. She did look pregnant. You were right. But that.

[C]

What kind of man impregnates the fat blind bitch? How bad do you want that? You got, well, you know, the blind. And then she said she caught the bus. How do you know you're even on the bus? Okay, I'm sorry.

[A]

Oh, yes. This is great. Cheryl Underwood has arrived. Hey. It's a scorching sports summer and you can make all your picks on prize picks. The WNBA and baseball are heating up with big tennis slams and major golf Tournaments on the horizon. You can make your picks for all these events and more all summer long on prize picks, America's number one picks app. The NBA finals are here, but the action doesn't stop when the champion is crowned. Women's basketball and baseball are heating up. So we've got the world's biggest soccer tournament on American soil for the first ever MMA fight on the white House lawn as well. Make your picks on all these events and more this summer on prize picks, America's number one picks at. The thing I love about prizepix is how easy it is to follow sports and develop a rooting interest. You know, I'm not the biggest sports fan, but with prize picks, I'm making picks on NBA playoffs, wnba, soccer, and even baseball. And prize picks makes it easy to make picks all summer long. All I need to do is pick more or less on 2 to 6 players stats. Then I submit my lineup and I follow along with the progress on the app. It makes watching the games even more exciting when every goal and every pass could win me money. Yeah, I've been seeing he's been making a lot of money on the WNBA, Tony. You know, prize picks is available in 50 states, including California, Texas, Georgia, and Florida. Wow, that's very interesting, Red pan. I did not know that. Legacies are on the line in the 2026 NBA Finals. Get in on the action with your biggest NBA games of the season and make your picks on everything from points, rebounds to dunks, three pointers and fantasy score before the NBA champion is crowned Prize picks as a preferred partner of the NBA. Download the app today and use code Tony to get $50 instantly in lineups when you play your first five doll again, download the app today and use code Tony to get $50 instantly in lineups when you play your first $5 prize picks, the preferred partner of the NBA. All right, your next bucket pool. Ladies and gentlemen. We're going to meet them all together. Goes by the name one minute uninterrupted. Going to Max Imam, everybody. Max, I.

[J]

What's up, Austin? I'm here in Texas visiting my girlfriend. She's from Texas. She's kind of like a pit bull. She's like slim, sturdy, she's loyal, and she loves playing with balls. She's like the air bud of playing with my balls. Like, you've heard of the throat goat? She's the scrote goat.

[A]

Tony's like, sorry.

[J]

So the first time her and I went out, we went out to a hot tub and I. I, like, passed out. All the. All the blood was like, not going to my brain. And I passed out. She woke me up. She took care of me. She's like, I need to take you home.

[K]

She's.

[J]

I'm gonna make sure you're okay tonight. She takes me home, shows me this like, like, scrote goat thing she's got going on. She's making sure I'm okay. She's like, how many fingers am I holding up? I'm like, two. She's like, and how many fingers do I have in your ass? I'm like, three.

[E]

I don't know.

[L]

All right.

[A]

Jesus Christ, Max. I'm. I mean, what the was that? What in the absolute. You know how bad you have to suck for us all to hope that the not pregnant blind woman was back up here? You make her look like a genius. Have you ever tried stand up before? Did you prepare for this at all? Grab the microphone, you numb nuts. Jesus Christ almighty. What the are you doing? Signing up for this show? Telling a half a regular sex story. What happened?

[J]

It was funny. I thought it was funny. She thought it was funny. It's a new thing we made up today, but okay.

[A]

Yeah, great. I'm glad you're running your fresh ideas by us here in front of millions of people. That's great. Max, how long have you been attempting stand up comedy?

[J]

About a year.

[A]

Okay, how. How often do you do this?

[J]

Not a lot. Like twice a month maybe.

[A]

Twice a month. And here you are on the biggest show in the industry with 250 some people waiting and hoping, some of them totally ready to be a breakout star. And here you are taking up a spot for something you thought of today because your girlfriend shoves fingers up your. I mean, how fucking stupid is that? Why don't you tell us one joke that you wrote before today so that we can judge you off of something other than that dog shit bullshit. That. That set was shittier than your girlfriend's fingers. Unbelievable. Do it. Just a quick joke. Do your quickest, shortest joke that you wrote.

[J]

I'm like, I'm so old now. My favorite drug used to be mushrooms. Now it's ibuprofen.

[A]

Let me tell you something. This isn't for everybody. It's just not like that is just a fact. That's not even a joke. Whatever. You and your girlfriend ever. You guys do drugs or something? You guys on crystal meth or something? What are you guys doing over there?

[J]

A lot of ibuprofen.

[A]

Okay, well, still, you just know how to take the energy in a room and Absolutely. Squeeze it dry. Let's check in with the great Cheryl uncle.

[C]

Okay. If you're gonna tell I'm so Old joke, and the punchline is. What did you say it was?

[J]

Ibuprofen.

[C]

Change it to Valsartan. Change it to something that old people take. Right. And that'll make it a better joke. I don't think he was. I think the material was lacking. We could tell you were nervous, right? And the way you were describing your girlfriend, I thought you was talking about the blind bitch. Okay? Cause that's why I kept pointing back there. Are y' all a comedy team or some kind of shit?

[J]

No, I don't know her.

[C]

And have you now or ever been a gay man?

[A]

Never.

[C]

Cause I know you come harder when you stick the finger in the. Ain't it. Look at all the dick suckers. Know what I just said, right? Cause you stick the finger in the ass and you do the rim. Okay. Too much information. Cause the blind guy's now tapping me on my shoulder. But I think you gotta get better at it. And who are you running these jokes by? Your girlfriend?

[J]

My girlfriend?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Run it by somebody else other than her. Cause she cares about you, so she not gonna say, kill yourself.

[A]

Right. Perfect advice. Absolutely correct. I agree with the doctor Cheryl Underwood's diagnosis. Let's check in with Tom Segura.

[D]

Yeah, I mean, look, man, that.

[A]

That.

[D]

I mean, it's okay. It's. You know, it was. It was rough. You know, that was rough. Everybody has rough sets. The only thing that I would tell you that is crazy is that you were like, I'll just throw this together today. You know what I mean? Like, even if you've only been doing it for a couple years and twice a month, you should come to this prepared, with your best, because this is a great opportunity. But you'll know, leaving here that if you have other opportunities, you gotta come correct. And if you're gonna run something by somebody like that, run it by a comedian who will be like, what the fuck are you talking about? Because it's just some anecdotal story. You know what I mean? It was lacking because you threw it together. You know, you could actually. You go do. If you ran that this week, like, six times, you would know I'm fucking not doing that. I'd kill Tony. You know what I mean? So you have to just do the work.

[A]

If you want to do it, you

[I]

got to do the work.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You know you bad when white men turn on you. The black woman was trying to help you, but the white dudes turned on you. But I would say be careful running it by a comic, because a really good comic could take that material and make it great. So try to like what I do. I say things around people naturally, and if they laugh, then it's a keeper. If they don't laugh, then you gotta go back and restructure the joke and get some joke books and study your favorite comedian's mechanics. Not the material, the mechanics. Because what you need is stage presence. Bad material with great stage presence leads you to better material.

[A]

It's true. Great, great advice. And here's one of those little joke books so you can get started. You can write one joke at a time on each page. There goes Max, everybody. Max Imam. All right, pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's see what happens here. One minute uninterrupted. Going to Nelo Mac, everybody. Here comes Neelo Mac.

[E]

Man, that was the perfect intro music, guys. Thank you very much. Trailer hinge it is Nillimac. I thought I had a better chance with a stupid fucking name. Lately I've been reflecting on the golden age of American advertising. You know, when nice gently dressed white folks explained, if you got a fucking problem at your house, here's a fucking thing that will help you deal with your fucking thing. And this will help you better than the other fucking things. And then the husband comes down for a cup of coffee. Thank you, honey. This coffee tastes like absolute shit. You stupid fucking bitch. I thought we already had this conversation twice. This country will be great again one day. Damn it. There is a man commercials today. It's just a bunch of dancing black folks.

[D]

How did that happen?

[C]

How the.

[A]

Do you need to do some laundry?

[C]

I'm sorry, my bad.

[E]

Look at this. Dancing blockly.

[C]

I was at the movies. I thought I was at the movies. Oh, you know, black.

[A]

What's for the spin cycle?

[E]

What's for the spin cycle? Tumble dry. Okay, do you need financing on an all new certified pre owned Hyundai Sonata?

[A]

Good credit, bad credit, no credit, no problem.

[E]

Hop aboard the Soul Train.

[A]

Lay down. All right, we gotcha. Hold on. All right, Neelamac. Hold on. Damn. Okay, let's take it one step at a time here because I don't. I don't think I understood anything you said the entire time. So the first thing was you said your name and you said that you thought you'd have a better chance with a weird name. What does that mean? Explain to us all what you mean.

[E]

I don't know. My regular name's not very good for comedy. My first name is Joel.

[A]

So how many times have you signed up as Joel?

[E]

I've been signing up as Joel for like a year and a half.

[A]

For a year and a half. And you haven't gotten pulled?

[C]

No.

[A]

And you think because you changed your name to Neela Mack with the Instagram handle Joel Tyree. You think that because my hand went in there and you picked it just a different fake name that it got pulled like that?

[E]

Oh, yeah, it's that good juju, baby.

[A]

Okay, well, juju's, I do believe, run show business, but from what I've been told, I wasn't here.

[C]

I wasn't here. I wasn't. Wasn't here. I wasn't here. Somebody else was here. I wasn't here. Michael Blackston was here.

[M]

I wasn't.

[A]

I love that you said black, Michael Black.

[E]

We do have the clan in Missouri, but Sundown's different. It's all Daisy Dukes and show tunes.

[A]

Nothing you say makes any sense. Yeah, no, no, no, it doesn't. We're trying our best here with you. So should I. Can I call you Joel from here on out? Sure, go ahead. Your actual name. So, Joel, how long have you been attempting standup come comedy?

[E]

Two years.

[A]

Two years. All of it here in Austin, Texas?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

What do you do for a living?

[E]

Well, right now I make donuts.

[A]

Well, looks like you're getting high on your own supply, my friend.

[L]

Right?

[A]

Holy. Pretty sure you're on your way to type 2 diabetes. Yeah. I'm so smart. I'm a doctor, basically. Yeah. Are you pregnant? Red Band. Damn. Red Band with a big one. Where's your good joke sound effect? Come on, let's do it. When Red band gets a. He has a special sound effect. Come on. Where is. He's so bad at his job, he doesn't even know where it is. Come on. All right, good enough. That'll work. How long you been making donuts for, Joel?

[E]

A couple months.

[A]

Okay. And what made you get into the donut industry?

[E]

Well, I got. I used some savings and I booked a few of my own gigs at, like, podunk little biker bars, you know, kind of between Houston and Dallas. I didn't fill the seats, so I just kind of ran myself broke.

[A]

It looks like you'd be good at filling seats.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

So now you're in the donut industry. Can you tell us something that would surprise you? Us? About making donuts?

[E]

No, I'm not actually hired yet.

[A]

Boy.

[C]

What?

[E]

I am unemployed. Oo, Anybody hiring?

[A]

So wait, you don't make donuts for A living.

[E]

No, you just lie.

[A]

Whoa. Crazy. Okay. Can you tell us anything real about you?

[E]

Well, I am from Missouri.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

I used to work in a factory. Now I don't.

[A]

How long have you been unemployed for?

[E]

Well, a few months.

[A]

Okay. How much money do you have saved?

[E]

Maybe like 1500 bucks.

[A]

What's your rent?

[E]

Like 900.

[A]

How do you survive?

[E]

Well, I got a few things to sell.

[A]

Like what?

[C]

Booty ho.

[E]

Tempurpedic.

[C]

Damn.

[A]

I'm sorry.

[C]

I ain't gonna say shit else to you. Cause you look like a motherfucker that will kidnap a bitch and wear my skin.

[E]

Let the record show I not do that.

[C]

I was wondering, did the blind grow a beard backstage? But I ain't going to say else to you. I plane Wednesday.

[B]

I'm a hostage.

[N]

This.

[E]

Just be careful. If I take my girdle off and get the iguana eyes going.

[F]

Wow.

[A]

Joel, you are out of your mind. Holy God damn. Okay, so I'm gonna. I'm trying here, Joel. What are you selling in order to stay alive and make your rent in real life without lying with. With an unfunny lie?

[E]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

Right. Try your best just to be honest.

[E]

Tempur Pedic mattress.

[A]

You're gonna sell your mattress? Yep. And then what would you sleep on?

[E]

I guess the floor.

[A]

Wow. That's your plan right now?

[N]

Yep.

[A]

A well broken in Tempur Pedic mattress.

[E]

Barely used. What would this ass.

[A]

Okay. All right. Well, I mean, we're just gonna keep it moving along here. This is a. Here you go. Here's a little.

[E]

Great night.

[A]

You too, Joel. Here's a little joke book. You're gonna love it. There you go. It's okay. All right. There goes Joel, everybody. All right. The bucket is rough. So far. We've been through. We've had. We've been on this journey before. It's a real show. Anything can happen. Every regular. Every. Every golden ticket winner was found out of this bucket. Anything can happen. Your fourth bucket pull of the night. On a night of rough bucket pulls so far. Goes by the name of Blix Hansen, everybody. Here we go.

[I]

Hello, everybody. So, pepper spray sucks. Especially when it explodes in your sex toy drawer. Yeah, it's no good. You can imagine how my shade of white would handle something like that. Not very good. But luckily it wasn't one of my toys. It was one of her toys. And it was a butt plug. Unfortunately, we didn't catch it in time. It was the worst or best episode of Hot Ones you have ever seen because she's on top. And she's like, what's wrong?

[A]

Something burns. Something burns.

[I]

But I knew exactly to go for that glass of milk right away. So I got that and a turkey baster. And yeah, she downed that milk pretty quick. And I did have to get her a second glass. It was a bad night. And that's my time.

[A]

I'll give you this. You did exactly 58 seconds. That's good. Time was good. You had exactly one funny moment in the mix, which, believe it or not, is better than the three people that were on in front of you.

[I]

I'll take it.

[A]

Incredible. So that really happened, or you just.

[I]

That genuinely happened.

[M]

Wow.

[A]

So just out of curiosity, what's in your drawer of sex toys? How is pepper spray in the mix exactly?

[O]

Yeah.

[I]

Yeah. So I'm from Maryland.

[A]

Okay. That answers all the questions. There you go. That's all I needed to know. Now we all picture it.

[C]

Go.

[A]

All right. No, go ahead, tell us more.

[I]

And I moved to New York. Was in New York for five years. Always felt safe. But then when I moved back to Maryland, I moved to Baltimore and.

[D]

Oh, it has a reputation.

[I]

Yeah, that was what I fell asleep to. But I didn't feel safe in Baltimore at all. Couldn't sleep for the first six months. So I took pepper spray and mounted it on a place on a wall on all three floors, just in case.

[A]

You lived in a three story place in Baltimore?

[I]

Brown home.

[A]

What?

[I]

Brownhouse?

[L]

Brown house.

[I]

Brownstone.

[A]

Brownstone. Okay, but what do you do for work?

[I]

One was.

[C]

But

[I]

I change things on the Internet for a living.

[A]

Interesting. Yeah. Like what? What do you change?

[I]

Anything that people pay me to change. So I manipulate algorithms for a living. So if you want to show up at the top of Google for something, I can do that. Or if you want to show up not at all on Google, I can do that.

[A]

Interesting. All right, that makes sense.

[I]

So I play with. I can see the whole Internet search history.

[A]

Okay, weird.

[C]

Are you a white hat? Are you considered a white hat? Are you a good guy?

[I]

White hat is a long term thing. I'm gray hat. I'm not. Yeah. So I'd like to think I'm light gray.

[A]

What is a white hat and a gray hat?

[C]

I can't say it in front of him. He'll wipe out my whole identity.

[A]

That'd be really hard to do.

[K]

You were just the one with Kevin Hart.

[C]

Listen, well, let me tell you what, I thought your material was interesting because I could see where you were going. And that's the key to telling provocative stories like this. You gave me the feeling of you're like the boss at the job. Who the staff. So that they can get promotions. And you'll be like, you want me to do what?

[D]

Yeah, manipulate people.

[A]

For sure.

[C]

I got that too. That's what I felt.

[I]

Primarily just me. So how's me doing?

[D]

Stand up, though.

[G]

What did you say?

[C]

Hello.

[I]

Oh, this is the first time ever you've ever.

[A]

Look at that. That's incredible. Really amazing. Oh, yeah.

[I]

I swear.

[D]

That's incredible.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

No shorts. You can't wear shorts.

[A]

No.

[D]

Ever again, no shorts.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Okay. Never again.

[D]

You're one and done.

[A]

You got it.

[D]

That's your only reason you're getting away with it.

[A]

Thank you.

[O]

All right.

[D]

You cannot do that.

[G]

I appreciate it.

[D]

It's offensive to everybody.

[I]

I'm sorry.

[A]

It is true.

[C]

Kevin Spacey was in where he was the creepy father. Oh, that's you. That's you?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

That's what you make me feel. You are the creep.

[D]

You make her uncomfortable.

[A]

I don't want to have anybody get

[I]

Kevin Spacey vibes for me.

[C]

This is short.

[A]

I know. You're right off a roast. He had a big drawer of sex toys too. It turns out he had a reputation in New York. For what?

[I]

So before I went full time in marketing, I was in Michelin star restaurants and there's a reputation among servers that they get propositioned.

[A]

Male servers got hit on by Kevin Spacey. That makes sense.

[I]

Yeah. Financially. Yeah.

[A]

What do you mean financially?

[I]

Like bribing this for that?

[A]

So did it.

[I]

But that's just hearsay.

[A]

Just here. It's okay.

[D]

Kevin's had a hard enough time. Let's not break.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. So let's get back to the pepper spray in the sex toys. You have pepper spray on all three floors? Yeah.

[C]

Burning with the milk and the booty hole.

[A]

Yeah. Okay, so how did the pepper spray get on the butt plug?

[I]

So where it was mounted, it was behind the headboard. And unknowingly that had been jostled loose and the person that I was with at the time picked it up off the floor and put it in the nightstand, which also.

[A]

And your plan? Let's just say there was an intruder in your three story home and they made it all the way up to the third story. You grab the pepper spray behind the headboard and spray the him. And now you're getting the beat out of you by a guy that's all spicy and hot and very mad. And then what would you possibly do after he completely beats the out of you and is taking a Shower spray in your shower? No. You would be hot from the pepper spray after his hands that have been sprayed beat the. Out of your face because he would immediately grab you. And since you're wearing shorts, we know it, probably.

[I]

You cannot fight reliving that night all over again.

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

All right. Did you ever get assaulted or anything?

[L]

No.

[A]

The pepper spray kept them all away, huh?

[I]

Yeah, that was more for her because she could use that.

[A]

Okay. You had a shotgun. Oh, very good. There we go. That's. That's. That makes more sense.

[D]

So you never had no danger in. In body. More, you never had a problem.

[I]

It was like six months after I left that house. It got broken into.

[D]

No, that's not a problem for you. You're gone.

[A]

Yeah, I was gone.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Was there ever a time in which you heard a little racket downst. And you grabbed the shotgun and kind of sat there, pointed it at the door?

[P]

Yeah.

[A]

How many times do you think that happened? Ballpark.

[I]

Plenty of times. Out of five years, at least half a dozen.

[A]

Wow.

[I]

But, like, I. I was also fortunate. I had a little garden in the back, and that caused a lot of noise because Baltimore has rats.

[A]

Ah.

[I]

Not as big as New York.

[A]

Right.

[J]

Got it.

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

There's the sound of a rat. For those of you wondering what that was.

[C]

You in Baltimore, one of the blackest cities in the world. You was living in Baltimore. So either you are insurance man, you insurance man, or undercover cop. Which one are you?

[I]

What do you think?

[A]

Whoa.

[I]

I already told you, I mess with the Internet.

[C]

I just think you're fascinating. I think you're oddly fascinating. And I would say not. Stand up. Up. Acting.

[A]

Acting, yes.

[I]

Okay.

[C]

I think you're a quirky personality that could be a great actor, but stand.

[I]

I agree. And knock the pepper spray butt plug on you next season if you want.

[C]

No, no, no, no.

[L]

You.

[C]

You first of all, pepper spray toward a black person and you're not sticking nothing in my butt. Not you.

[A]

I was talking about.

[C]

You want me to.

[F]

Oh,

[A]

I don't think that made it better.

[C]

Sorry, I. I thought you were looking at me, but really, you look at you.

[D]

I'll look at the fucking buck plug

[C]

and a pepper spray.

[I]

You've done worse on your show. Your bakery's great, by the way.

[D]

Oh, thanks, man.

[A]

It is true. Yeah.

[D]

Just throwing out good plug for the bakery.

[E]

Thank you.

[I]

Something I found out on the Internet. You get around 250,000 searches a month for Tony Hinchcliffe. Redband gets around 10,000.

[A]

Okay, what's your point?

[I]

Something just to set Straight to everybody. You get more people that inquire if you're gay.

[C]

Right.

[I]

Than Red Band does altogether.

[A]

Right? Definitely. I could have proved that.

[C]

You should have started with that.

[A]

Very funny.

[C]

That's what you should have started with that right there. That's how you do.

[A]

That is true. No, it's true. If you go with. If you said up front, I literally manipulate things on the Internet and study the Internet for a living. And a fun fact, like talking about what you know is what standup kind of is. So there's a little fun fact. You got that big genuine lab for a reason. There's a medium joke. And there goes Blix Hanson, everybody. Our best bucket pool of the night with exactly one half of a punchline in 60 seconds. It is incredible. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi? Keeping us hydrated and everything in place. Stunning. Check out our podcast@Heidy Regina.com and a special shout out to Dylan and the team at Sportsman Finest. They gave us a brand new Kilzoni gun. You guys might notice, this is brand new. They make make premium outdoor sporting goods right here in Austin, Texas. This is a brand new golden Colt python gun. How exciting is that? You guys are the first crowd to lay eyes on the newest Kill Tony gun. Check them out. Sportsman's Finest here in Austin. All right, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Chris Longoria, everybody. Here we go,

[C]

Man.

[K]

So I was. I recently went through a breakup. Been going through a dry spell since then. Met a. Met a woman recently. The most beautiful Filipino I've ever met in my life. To my surprise, she came up to me, started asking me questions. Oh, how are you? Nice to meet you. Do you have any kids? I need to stop with the accent. Red man's getting horny over there. And then she asked me out on a date. But then I realized she asked me if I was from here. And I was like, damn, she might be an undercover ICE agent. So I panicked. But I did take her up on this date. Like I said, I was on a dry spell on this date. She kept asking questions. So you said you were from here. How long have you been here? Were you born here? I started getting really scared at this point.

[A]

Point.

[K]

But then I was really high, and I realized that she wanted to use me for my green card. And I panicked. So I proposed to this woman. She's gonna get real pissed off when she finds out I'm not legal either. That's right. Ling.

[C]

Ling.

[K]

We have to figure this out together now.

[A]

Prince Longoria pushing It to the limit. Welcome, Chris. Fun stuff.

[K]

Thank you.

[A]

How long you been on standby?

[K]

Up two and a half years.

[A]

Two and a half years. We're at Corpus Christi, Texas. Very nice. There's a scene out there in Corpus Christi. We've all been there. We've all toured out there.

[K]

I've heard good stories about you hitting up Corpus. So, yes, sir. You got arrested.

[A]

Well, no, I didn't get arrested. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. We. Me and my friend got. I've talked about this on the show. You're being gay, right? Yes. They thought we were gay. They thought me and my good friend Matt Edgar were gay, and they did a arrest the headliner that we were opening for, because he's like, hey, those are my buddies. What the are you arrest. What are you kicking them out of a Whataburger for? And the cops, like, if you say anything else, we're gonna arrest you. And he's like, that. These are my friends. I'm taking them to their first Whataburger trip. And he's like, you're under arrest. Long story short, we found out the next day, the chief of police of Corpus Christi called my buddy because he was friends with the chief of police, and he goes, what's going on? Why did I. Why'd they kick my two friends out? And he said, well, the officer said a couple were wrestling around in the line at the Whataburger. Yeah, that was the exact line. We. We were on speakerphone in the car, cracking up. Our buddy's like, shut up.

[D]

She just got arrested for being a fan.

[A]

No, no, again, we didn't get arrested. We got kicked out of the water.

[D]

They were like, get him out of here.

[A]

Yeah, my. Our buddy got arrested for basically defending the. That were in the Whataburger. I was one of the.

[C]

Cheryl, what probable cause did they have to think that you were gay?

[A]

Trust me. I felt like you for a second in that Whataburger. I'm like, this is what it's like. I did nothing wrong. Wrong. I did nothing wrong.

[K]

I also heard a rumor that. That they were gonna arrest Cheryl's husband, but he jumped off before they could.

[A]

All right, you're not making jokes.

[C]

See, I. I was on your side.

[K]

Sorry, Cheryl. I had to. No, you killed it at the roast. I just had to show you. You did, too, Tony.

[A]

All right, Shut up.

[C]

Are you. Are you. Are you Latin?

[K]

Yes, sir. Yes, ma'.

[A]

Am.

[K]

Yes, ma'.

[H]

Am.

[A]

Yes, ma'. Am. Oh, my God.

[C]

No, no.

[A]

I'm sorry.

[K]

I'm sorry, that was my.

[C]

I'll take it. I'll take that. That.

[A]

You.

[C]

What type of Latin man are you?

[K]

I was born and raised here in America, but family from Spain and from Mexico as well.

[C]

Okay, Okay. I was just. I was just checking to see what you was. And then if. Is it true that a Filipino woman was trying to approach you?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Oh, okay. Well, I. I would say I thought you were very interesting when you walked out because you had a confidence to. You appreciate that. I'd like for the material to rise to the occasion and meet you in that confidence. Tell the story faster because you. You don't have a long time to keep the audience attention because I didn't understand where you was going, but I knew it was something about immigration and you could do it, but you took too long to get there.

[D]

Absolutely.

[C]

You know what I'm saying?

[K]

Thank you.

[C]

Is this something you really want to do or you just fucking around?

[K]

I'm obsessed with this.

[C]

And you've been doing it for two years.

[K]

Yes, ma'.

[A]

Am. How do. How do you make money, Chris?

[K]

I deliver packages.

[C]

See, Wait, wait. See, first thing I thought was a bunch of motherfuckers in an 18 wheeler sweating. But then I was like, don't say it, Cheryl, because you said you deliver packages. Oh, okay.

[K]

I used to install security systems, but it really didn't work with me trying to do gigs and stuff. This really works with.

[C]

Who the fuck would let you put a security system?

[K]

Surprising, right? Surprising people when I knocked on the door and be like, hey, I'm the guy that's installing your security. The security system. They're like, you're the one that's gonna rob me after.

[C]

There you go. Thank you for following me.

[A]

See?

[C]

See, you got it in you. And you got the skill and the instinct. Now get the material to match the skill and the instinct.

[K]

Yes, ma'.

[C]

Am. You're not bad at this. You can do it.

[K]

Appreciate that.

[A]

Thank you.

[D]

No, I mean, what Cheryl said is about, like. Especially when you're telling a story, worry if you have a minute. Like, you're. The thing you said at the end should be like, at the 22nd mark.

[K]

Okay.

[D]

I mean, because you just don't have. You don't have enough time.

[A]

Yeah.

[K]

So you gotta.

[D]

You gotta just move it along quick.

[K]

And there's a whole part of that that I had to cut out to even get to that.

[D]

Right, right. But you have the minute, you know, you gotta move quickly.

[A]

You gotta keep cutting, cut, cut.

[O]

Absolutely.

[A]

Chris, why do you have crazy eyes? Are you On Adderall or something. You have crazy big crazy goofy eyes. What are you on right now?

[L]

Scary.

[K]

I've been signing up for this. This for two years and I'm really nervous.

[A]

This is your first time on.

[K]

Yeah.

[A]

One guy signed up for a year and a half. One guy signed up for two years.

[D]

But even the whites above your pupil are showing. It's why.

[A]

Yeah, you're on nothing. Adderall.

[K]

I smoked a little bit of weed to calm down.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Also, you did something that some Latin people do. You're like, I got family from Spain.

[F]

Yeah, I do. I do.

[K]

My dad says they're all from Spain. I'm like, you're bull.

[D]

Wait, but where's your dad from?

[A]

Mexico?

[C]

Wake up.

[A]

We all know the answer.

[K]

Question. He doesn't know his dad.

[A]

Like, all right, so listen.

[D]

We didn't know his Mexican dude.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

[K]

I'm a little too dark. You look like you're from Spain. I look like I'm from Mexico.

[D]

I cuz you are, godamn it.

[A]

Yeah, you really are. They call meso mexicano. No s. You caught me. You caught Mexicano.

[K]

You're right. You're right.

[A]

And you're leaving here with a medium sized brown joke book. Just as brown as you are. There he goes. Chris Longoria, everybody. Let's get a golden ticket winner up here real quick. Ladies and gentlemen, we have one waiting in the Winter wings. This guy, originally from England, is just so different than everybody else that we like his style. And every once in a great while, he graces us with his extremely dark jokes. Make some noise for the return of Sir Winston Pickles, everybody.

[F]

Well, I'm heading to Boston next Monday and I asked the wife to suggest something fun to do. She suggested we do the marathon. I'm not an expert, but I think it takes you longer than seven days to prepare a pressure cooker bomb.

[A]

I was at the supermarket.

[F]

I was at the supermarket over the weekend and it dawned on me. You know what you don't see at the supermarket these days? Nancy Guthrie, I'll tell you what you do see? Fucking toddlers. There was this annoying toddler. His parents were oblivious to what he was doing, wandering around. He starts running towards me and my shopping cart. Now, I could have been the good guy and moved out the way, but no, I thought, I'm gonna teach this little bastard there are consequences for running around at the store. Boy, did he collide with my shopping cart. His glasses came off my Coca Colas. Pop the caps. It's okay, though. He'll be good. He was wearing one of those white plastic helmets.

[A]

Sir Winston Pickles. Absolutely. Doing what Sir Winston Pickles does at his best. Absolutely. Dress for the job. You want a man fully prepared, never in shorts. Always 100% spectacular. A true showman and unbelievably executed. Dark. Your brand of jokes right down the barrel. How do you feel, Sir Winston Pickles?

[F]

I'm just happy to be here, Tony.

[A]

Absolutely fantastic stuff. Loved the jokes. That's all good. The Nancy Guthrie really got me. Loved that. Real misdirect there. Did not see that coming. What's your process, Sir Winston Pickles? Do you write in the makeup or do you write.

[F]

Bit of both, Tony. I normally write jokes while I'm at the supermarket, believe it or not.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

It's fucking materials. Just gold, right?

[A]

No, it happens. There's a lot going on at the supermarket. I very rarely get a chance. Do you go to the actual supermarket or do you just.

[L]

Of course I do.

[A]

You do. Almost four times a week, bro. Wow. You're something else. All right, Sir Winston, how's America treating you? You're. Have you gone back to England recently at all?

[F]

Not recently, no.

[A]

Okay.

[F]

I'm. I'm actually trying to get back down to my ideal fighting weight.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[F]

But my ideal fighting weight is 10 pounds, 8 ounces.

[A]

Oh.

[F]

When I was a maternity ward boxing champion, 1965.

[A]

All right. Okay. That's one's a wacky one. That's a wacky there. Sir Winston Pickles.

[F]

I still have my gloves. Still.

[A]

Absolutely hilarious. Michael Gonzalez could fit into those right now. Look at a little guy back there. Look at him. Don't let that hat confuse. He's a little fella. All right, Sir Winston, what else is going on in the world? What else should we know about? Is that a new suit? Have you always had the Sir Winston custom suit? And I just.

[F]

Every suit has these logos.

[A]

Oh, amazing.

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

You're killing it, dude. What else is going on in the world? Anything else crazy we should know about?

[F]

Well, now I'm in Texas. I got to visit the Alamore finally.

[A]

Oh, tell us about that.

[F]

Well, the selection of vehicles sucks, so I'm going to Enterprise next time.

[A]

He is on fire, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, look who's back. Hello. So, Sir Winston, anything else we should know about? What else is going on in the world?

[C]

World?

[F]

I'm thinking of going back to England for a visit to my family, but it's a bit crazy out there right now.

[A]

It really is. That's what they're saying. They wanted to be. They wanted to appear to be open to absolutely anything. They wanted to make it look like anyone can come here. We're just the best. Come on in, the doors are open and explain to the people what happened. Beautiful London, England.

[F]

Well, it's a shithole, basically.

[A]

Yeah, that's what happens when you don't have proper process.

[P]

Yes.

[F]

Let anybody in. I mean, they'll let me back in, so.

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, it's true. Have you guys been to London recently? You've been to London, Cheryl?

[C]

A while, yeah. Ago. And I had a great time.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You know, they had a meat out in the open, hung upside down, you know, rabbits and all kind of. Oh, yeah, I had a good dime. It was fun. It was fun.

[A]

Oh, hell yeah.

[C]

And then I went to the palace and hung out, you know, outside. They didn't let a in, Right. Yeah, I had a good time. But y' all fishing chicken. What's up with the. With the mashed green peas? What's up with that?

[F]

Oh, mashed potato. Mushy peas.

[C]

The mushy peas.

[F]

Oh, very good.

[A]

That's right.

[C]

Can I tell you something? I got nothing, cuz I thought you were very, very good. I was kind of concerned about that Nancy Guthrie joke. But I think you have now taken the Tony Hitchcliff Award for inappropriate material at the wrong time.

[A]

That is a good award to have, right?

[C]

Yes, yes, but I thought you did. It was very good and it was written well. And all of this works. All of this don't change anything. Don't let nobody tell you. Take this shit off. Take this shit off. This fucking works. And I thought you did very, very well.

[F]

Thanks very much.

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[F]

Can I just say something, Tony?

[A]

Yes.

[F]

When I met Cheryl earlier, her hair was flat to her head. Then she saw me.

[A]

Oh, I see. Yes. Shock talking. Yes, Sir Winston. Great jokes. I mean, just on brand darkness. You got it. Sir Winston Pickles, ladies and gentlemen.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That is one of the golden ticket winners, everybody. Sir Winston Pickles. And back to the bucket we go. Where we found Sir Winston Pickles, where we found all the greats. Anything can happen. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Ronnie Fryer, everybody. Here comes Ronnie Pryor.

[O]

Make some noise if you're superstitious. Shit, I guess just me. I don't get what's up with the black cats. Like, what makes them bad. Look, right, like if you see this bad luck, if it crosses the street, he's a bad luck. All I know is whenever I see a black cat, I think, there goes the neighborhood.

[A]

Believe it. Or not.

[O]

I said that joke one time and a lady called me racist. You would not be saying that if you saw my search history, Lady. Latinas and asians. Sorry, baby.

[A]

All right, Ronnie. Great stuff.

[O]

Thank you.

[A]

Welcome, welcome. How long you been doing stand up?

[O]

Two years.

[A]

To everyone. It's a big, big day for the two year class today. Where at, Ronnie?

[O]

Corpus Christi, baby.

[A]

Whoa. You're from Corpus, too? Do you know Chris Longoria?

[O]

Actually, do you know Chris Longoria?

[G]

You.

[O]

That's my. One of my day ones.

[A]

Amazing. Did you guys drive here together?

[O]

No, sir. I actually live here.

[A]

Oh, amazing.

[O]

Yeah, I moved up about a month ago.

[A]

Oh, sweet. Incredible.

[O]

For comedy. Love and rock and roll, man.

[A]

We got it all here. What are you doing for work here in Austin?

[O]

I came for comedy, Tone.

[A]

Yeah, but how do you make. How do you make a living?

[O]

Plan B. You know, had a little bit of money before I came here.

[A]

How'd you make your money?

[O]

Ironically, I work that enterprise, dude.

[A]

Wow, Amazing.

[O]

Pickles the clown was right.

[A]

And you saved up enough money to move to Austin? Yeah. Are you making money doing comedy here?

[O]

I mean.

[B]

No.

[A]

Exactly. So what's your living situation? Explain to these people what it's like chasing your dreams here.

[O]

In every Monday, I come up to kill Tony. And, you know, usually when I don't get pulled, I go. I go stay the night at Buc ee's.

[A]

Dude.

[O]

Yeah, the gas station in Texas.

[A]

Yeah. Okay, what else? How about the other six days a week?

[O]

Dude, I've been Airbnb it lately. Okay, so. And then hotel hopping. Just trying to came to Austin for comedy. So this is what I'm here for.

[A]

Have you thought about settling down and finding a roommate or something like that? Since you're living off of saved rental car money, have you thought about pumping the brakes on all the fancy hotels and Airbnbs and perhaps being more fiscally conservative?

[O]

I don't know if you think the Super 8 is fancy, sir, but. No, I mean, you know, time and a place, if something comes available, you know? But I'm here to do comedy. I got plans and goals, and that's what I'm here for. So it's just like, I don't want to get stuck in Elise long term, you know, just.

[C]

Okay.

[O]

Never know where comedy's going to take you.

[A]

Okay, perfect. Staying light on your feet. What do you do for fun when you're not doing standup? Any hobbies or interesting fun facts about Ronnie Fryer?

[O]

So this is going to sound cool. In my. In my past, I knocked up A stripper.

[A]

Ah, it sounds so cool. We all wish we did that. Y. What could possibly go wrong?

[O]

It's the same thing I was thinking.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And then what happened? And then what happened?

[O]

And then, let's see, about three months old, I was left with this, my son. And, you know, she went and lived her.

[E]

Her whole life.

[O]

You know, she went on. Lived her own life, and I've been raising my son by myself.

[A]

That's amazing. For how long now?

[O]

He's nine now.

[A]

Wow. So for.

[B]

Is that.

[A]

What now? That's incredible.

[O]

Thank you.

[A]

That is. That's amazing. Cheryl. That's called being a single father. That's something you may have never heard of.

[C]

Wait a minute. It's like something you've never seen, like Bigfoot. A white single father taking care of their child in an Airbnb. Go ahead. That's the kind of dick we want.

[A]

Am I right, ladies?

[C]

That's what we want.

[A]

Where's your boy?

[D]

Where's your kid?

[O]

My son's grandma's watching him, so.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Oh, that's real.

[D]

He's at the Super 8.

[O]

Yeah.

[A]

I didn't know.

[D]

No, you know what you have. You have great stage presence. It's great. When you walked out, like, I was like, oh, this guy's been doing it a while. Like, you have great stage presence and your jokes were great. Dude, that was very funny. That was very, very funny. Very funny. Like, you gotta. You gotta just do a ton of open. You got to do all the mics and all the shows you can get on.

[O]

Yes, sir.

[A]

Yes, sir. Let me ask you a question, because I find it all so intriguing. Did the Does. Is the former stripper ever part of the kid's life?

[O]

No, she's. She's in prison right now.

[A]

Okay. What did she. That's.

[D]

That's dope.

[A]

What did she go to prison? What did she do?

[C]

What she do?

[O]

Arm robbery.

[A]

Wow. Amazing.

[B]

Hot.

[A]

Amazing. What do you know? What do you know about the armed robbery? Can you describe the details of what you know? So allegedly.

[O]

Allegedly, convictedly.

[D]

How'd she plead? How'd she plead?

[A]

Guilty.

[O]

Gotta plead that out.

[G]

Yeah.

[O]

So she. Someone owed her money, and her. And her. Her friend decided to rob him and cash out herself.

[M]

Money. Wow.

[A]

What's your Instagram? All right, That's a crazy question.

[C]

Can I tell you something? That's the. That's the show. Oh, that's the sitcom. Well, that's the sick. Ain't nobody. Nobody can say you stole that from them. That's the show that you knocked up a Stripper. You keep the baby. And she robbed somebody to get money. I'd watch that shit every motherfucking day.

[A]

Yeah, true.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

Thank you.

[O]

She was a top 10 Corpus Christi most wanted, so there was that.

[A]

Wow. How long was she eluding the police?

[O]

Oh, dude, too long.

[A]

I was like, what the.

[O]

You guys got to do a better job.

[A]

She's at the strip club on a pole.

[D]

Was she really on the run?

[O]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

How long?

[O]

Like, I would say six months to a year.

[A]

Damn.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Do you know where she was hiding?

[O]

She got caught on a ferry.

[A]

Wow. Oh, Tony. Wow. Yeah. She was on top of me.

[D]

In the area or at, like, somewhere else In Corpus.

[O]

Oh, in Corpus.

[A]

Wow. Look at that.

[D]

Marshals are after you. That's cool.

[A]

Incredible. And then when she dropped off your son at 3 months old, what did she say? I just can't do this anymore. I can't do that. Like, what was the type of verbiage that she used?

[O]

Oh, you know, she didn't want to be with me, and, you know, she wanted to go. Go explore other options.

[A]

Right.

[O]

So. And, you know, do. What do girls like that do?

[C]

And.

[D]

And.

[A]

And. What have you learned by having your own nine year old? What, do you guys bond a lot? Like, how often do you keep them with your mom?

[O]

So I raised them for the first seven years, and then, you know, I was playing mom and dad, and then, you know, I needed to. I need to find something else for myself, like, right. Besides guys.

[A]

Right. So this kid's been abandoned twice. Amazing. Unbelievable. I mean, my goodness. No, maybe. Maybe he's a single black father after all. We thought he was a white father.

[O]

Cheryl. They do call me White Chocolate.

[A]

Amazing. Amazing. I like how you. You.

[D]

You really took in the applause about you being a great dad.

[A]

I am a great dad.

[D]

Then you're, like, a couple years ago,

[A]

I let him go. No, your mom is a great dad. That's what's happening.

[O]

It's. It's baby mama's grandma.

[A]

Okay. Baby mama.

[O]

The plot thickens.

[A]

Wow.

[O]

Her grandma.

[D]

It's her grandma.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

In Corpus.

[O]

Yes, sir.

[L]

All right.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

Wow. Okay. How often do you talk to this kid?

[K]

Every day.

[O]

I just drove back to today.

[A]

Okay.

[O]

I see him every other week. And, like, I'm. I'm a good dad, despite what Tom said.

[K]

Right.

[L]

Hold on.

[A]

You're.

[D]

He's nine. I've been raising him since he was three months. And everybody was like, you're the dad of the year. When he was 7, I gave him to his grandma.

[A]

Amazing Ronnie Fryer. You had a great set, great interview. That's what it's all about, buddy. There's a big joke, folks. Hell, yeah. All right. All right. Now we're cooking one more time for Ronnie Fryer, everybody. And the show goes on. I do believe this is. He's inside or he's. He's back there? Okay, this was. This is representing the audience tonight. This guy was inside and signed up. Make some noise for gpow, everybody. Here comes GP.

[P]

I know I look like I build benches and stress test them with my ass. I know I look like a carpenter. Sleep paralysis demon. What do you mean there's a weight limit? I'm getting to the size now. Where my clothes have no name brands anymore. These suspenders, guys, you've seen them holding down a dresser in the back of your buddy's Tacoma.

[L]

Come on.

[P]

These are load bearing, guys. Come.

[O]

Come on.

[P]

I've been trying to do something about it. I've been going to Overeaters Anonymous. You know, it's like AA for, you know, beautiful people. It's not working. It's really not working. Fuck.

[A]

Perfect.

[P]

It's really not.

[A]

You did it.

[P]

First visit, guys, they give you a gold coin as a commemorative thing, and I immediately tried to pull the foil off the outside of it. Not for me.

[B]

G pal.

[A]

G pal. G. Pow. Wow. What a set. Welcome, my friend.

[P]

Thank you.

[A]

Hell yeah. Those suspenders are indeed working right now. Those are functional as it gets. I mean, just amazing. G pal. Welcome. How long you been doing standup?

[P]

About 18 months now.

[A]

Okay. Hell yeah. Amazing. You're doing fantastic. All of it. Here in Austin, Texas.

[P]

I started up in New Jersey and then I moved down here about eight months or so.

[A]

Nice. What made you start now? How old are you?

[P]

I'm 33.

[A]

What made you start at 32?

[P]

Honestly? I got a great girlfriend and she's the one who said, you know, you might just be funny enough to do something.

[A]

I love that. Amazing. So she moved down here with you?

[P]

Yeah, she did. And there's a. I'm in a unique relationship, guys. You guys know what an age gap relationship is?

[A]

Mm.

[B]

Yeah.

[P]

So again, I'm 33 and there's 17 years between us.

[C]

Wow.

[N]

Oh, yeah.

[P]

So she's. She's not 16, you fucking.

[C]

That's what I thought. I thought. She's only 16. That's the. What the fuck? I thought.

[P]

Thought I'm dating a 50 year old woman, guys.

[A]

Come on. Wow. I'm sorry.

[C]

I thought she was dating a 16 year old.

[A]

Look at that. What's it like being with a 50 year old woman. Oh God.

[P]

If you guys haven't done it, you should do it.

[A]

Tell us about it. What's it like down there?

[P]

It's a great time, cuz, you know, like young girls are so needy, you know. And she cooks good if you can't tell.

[C]

So wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you. Are you telling me you are fucking a 50 year old black woman? Is that what you're talking?

[P]

I mean her exes were black. So she got the seasoning somewhere.

[A]

Hell yeah. Great answer, G pal. Great answer. G pal. What do you do for work?

[P]

I work at Trader Joe's.

[A]

Whoa, look at that. What the hell are you doing to Trader Joe's?

[P]

Samples. Can you tell?

[A]

Amazing. Amazing, G pal. Incredible. And how about her? What does the 50 year old do?

[P]

Tony, you're going to love this.

[A]

Oh, yes. Let's go hb. Wow. The true Texas superstore. My goodness. Goodness. I mean, does that cause any conflict in the household? The rivalry between HB and Trader Joe's. It looks like you're winning both stores.

[P]

No complaints.

[A]

You look like the boss at the end of H E B the Video game. This is incredible. So, G pal, what are you eating? Take us through like a day. What? What are some of your guilty pleasures? What do you got going on over there?

[P]

My girlfriend hates this, but she'll tell me there's dinner at home and I still stop at Ptown Terry's.

[A]

Wow. Hell yeah. What's your order at Pete Terry's? What's your go to?

[P]

I'm a number two kind of guy. It's a cheeseburger, fries. I don't get the lettuce, tomato, because that's just salad.

[A]

Amazing.

[P]

And I get the cookie for a dollar. Why not?

[A]

Take note, my horn player is playing fat man music over there. There it is. Hell yeah. Yeah. That's what we have a trombone player for. Perfect. Amazing, G pal. Absolutely incredible. Now is being big in your runs in your family. Is that like a genetic thing?

[P]

It sure does.

[A]

Yeah.

[P]

The interesting thing about it though is my dad used to be 350 pounds and now he's like a bodybuilder for a living.

[A]

How did he do it?

[P]

Divorce.

[A]

Ah, that'll do it. That'll do it. And are you married to this 50 year old?

[P]

No, we're just dating. She did the whole marriage thing. She ain't into it anymore.

[A]

Right, right. That makes sense.

[P]

I am a step grandfather though.

[A]

Oh, wow. Okay. Oh my goodness. A step grandfather. My goodness. That is incredible. Do you get to see your step grandkid.

[P]

I'm mixed. I'm not black.

[A]

Wait, what is. I'm confused.

[C]

See, you was doing so good. I tell you, saying that shit right there.

[P]

Yes, I see them often. I see them every night. Yes.

[A]

They live with you?

[P]

They do, yeah.

[A]

Wait a second. Was her daughter once a stripper? This is all coming full circle here. There's something cooking. It's a small world. G pal, tell us another fun fact about your life that we might find interesting.

[P]

You're such a. Yeah, I mean, people don't realize it looking like this, but I am mixed race.

[A]

Really? What is.

[P]

Yeah, so my dad is half black, he's Palestinian and white, so he's a victim.

[A]

Look at Cheryl pretending she doesn't get that joke. Oh shit. Amazing. What else, G Pao? Any hobbies or anything that would surprise us? Well, I'm not.

[P]

I don't have any pets. I have a sea monkey, which is pretty interesting.

[A]

Just one?

[P]

Yeah. That's the thing, right? Yeah, because normally they come in thousands, but for some reason there's like one in the jar with these giant balls.

[A]

Yeah.

[P]

I don't know, it's just weird to me, cuz what happened to the rest of them?

[A]

What?

[M]

I didn't eat them.

[P]

Okay, stop thinking that. I don't eat sea monkeys.

[A]

Tom Sear, what do you think about gpow? You did a podcast with him for a long time.

[D]

Why are you wearing a shirt all of a sudden? Yeah, don't let me finish the sentence, bro. That was so. It was so funny. You were so funny. Just know like you, you, you definitely can, can go far in this. I wanted to hear, you know, you had the joke. You're like, my clothes are so big, there's no labels. And then you had, then you did the joke about the suspension. But I want to even hear before you get to the suspenders, explain more about. No, no, like just know that you can exhaust that. Because that's such a funny thing that clothes doesn't have labels, you know, like I want to hear about it. And then you can, you can wrap it up with the suspender stuff. But like, you know what I mean? Like you can exhaust those topics. But dude, like, so funny. Like, great joke writing. You by far stood out.

[A]

So, so funny.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Also, if you lose £50, you'll still be huge. So don't, don't think that like, oh, I can't lose any weight otherwise, like, you can lose a hundred and everyone will be like, that's the biggest guy I'VE ever seen. So you'll still be funny in that regard. Don't.

[A]

Don't think.

[D]

You can't. That's what I told the other guy, too.

[C]

All right, but you need one more. You need one more joke, because, like I write in the rule of threes. One, two, three, boom. One, two, three, boom. Because it'll change your cadence. So you need one more joke, because the killer joke is the suspenders holding down. That's. That's the killer one. The one in the front is a good joke. Then the one in the middle is a. Is a great joke. Then it's the killer that lays them out. And then you move to your next topic. But I. I what? I feel it. John Goodman.

[G]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[N]

A lot.

[P]

Thank you.

[C]

Feel that.

[A]

That is true. Red Band. I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday. Boom. You just got booked on a real show. Here's the big joke, folks. Boom. G Pal, ladies and gentlemen. G Pal getting booked on a real show. He moved to Austin, Texas, and now he's on the secret show on Thursday. These are the types of dreams coming true. You guys are in for a special treat right now. How many of you guys have been fans of the show for a long time? Well, you'll be very excited to know that one of our hall of fame members is right behind that curtain, a regular famous for his unbelievable writing and roasting everybody. I present to you one of the most legendary regulars in the history of the show, known for roasting everybody and the panel and the band, and anybody who he lays eyes on makes the noise for the one and only David Lucas, everybody.

[M]

Yeah, I'm the last nigga in blackface. I'm dating a white girl now. And what I have realized is that white women really love they dogs. I do believe if white women could give birth to dogs, they would. It's so like, I'm fucking with this white bitch, and she got one of them little small bullshit ass dogs. And I was at her house the other day, and I was eating her pussy with my fucking ass in the air on her bed, and her fucking dog jumped on the bed. And I'm like, hey, bitch, lock this nigga in his fucking cage. Because if he licked my ass, it's over with. I knew I should have laid down his sniper position to eat that bitch pussy, bruh.

[P]

That's.

[M]

That's the best position to eat pussy, fucking sniper nigga. Cause you can fucking clench your ass cheeks and get some extra horsepower in your tongue, you know, I'm a Christian. I do believe in God, but I also believe in reincarnation. You know what I'm saying? And I pray to God like once a month. I'm like, God, if reincarnation is real, please don't let me come back as a nigga again. Please. I can't do this shit. It's too. I'd rather come back as a white person's dog. That's what the fuck. I want to come back as a fucking schnauzer named Winston, you know, Because a white person's dog is the best treated fucking animal on this fucking planet, dog. I swear to God. And then I think about it, I'm like, shit, I might want to come back as a rescue pit bull. Because, like, niggas would buy me and then they would abandon me, and then I end up in a shelter and some lesbian would adopt me. And then when she trusts me, I'd kill her, you know? All right, that's my time. W. Lucas, Turkey.

[A]

David Lucas has done it again. Welcome back, my friend. What an amazing set. 2 minutes and 10 seconds. You worked harder than you had to. Taking all that energy you don't spend at the gym and utilizing it here on Kill Tony. Trying to wear camo pants to blend in. The fact that you're built like an ice cream cone. Small at the bottom, big bigger as you go up space.

[M]

Therapy is killing you. Look how red that face is, bro.

[A]

You are sweating bullets up here right now. David, what is going on?

[M]

Nothing, bro. Chilling.

[A]

You've been hanging out. You've been hanging out with that blind, pregnant, thick white woman.

[M]

I got money now. I don't fat no more. You had to catch me six years ago. If she 280, she ain't my lady.

[N]

Hey, bro.

[M]

Tom and Cheryl look like the first interracial couple to go to prom. And Tony looked like the girl that Tom actually that night.

[D]

You are right, trailblazer, man. You know I'm a playing here.

[M]

Hell yeah. Tony historian.

[A]

You are hilarious. David, you are a master roaster. You helped write for the roast of Kevin Hart.

[M]

Little fun. All the racist jokes.

[A]

I don't know if you did all of them.

[M]

Yeah, I made all the Cheryl jokes. All the ch. I was just playing. I. I love Cheryl, but I've been watching you since I was a kid, baby. You're still gorgeous.

[A]

Yeah, I. I don't know how many

[M]

of y' all used to watch Cheryl, but she's so black, she used to bring her purse on stage. That's so weird.

[A]

She has had it on her lap. The show. She has not let it leave. And you know what's funny is I was telling. It was Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan in the green room before the roast, actually said, fun fact about Cheryl Underwood, she always keeps her purse on her. And I'm like, what? Really? And then ever since then, you've had your purse on you.

[M]

Here's something white people don't know. Cheryl, what's the black rules for the purse? You can't put it white.

[C]

Where? Can't put it on the floor.

[M]

Yes.

[A]

Why is that? Can you explain that?

[C]

Lose all your money if you put it on the floor.

[M]

Oh, black people have so many. Like, we're the most superstitious religious in the world. Like, there's a black superstition. Like, if somebody is sweeping and they sweep your feet.

[C]

Your feet.

[M]

You got to spit on the broom when you go to jail.

[A]

What?

[C]

Yeah, that's right. That's right.

[M]

So maybe somebody swept George Floyd's feet and they.

[A]

Oh, God. Come on. Damn. See, David, I'm jok.

[L]

Sir.

[M]

I knew that was going to get you.

[C]

That's why I said, okay. Now, see, the Floyd family ain't no punks. They got hands.

[M]

I know. I had an instance with them, and that cost me like $15,000.

[K]

Right.

[A]

All right, let's stop talking about the Floyds.

[D]

Let's talk about how black people are the original gypsies, cuz, like.

[A]

Yeah, tell us more. I want to know more of these black superstitions. We were on this side, and then

[C]

if a bird fly in your house, somebody's gonna die.

[M]

Yeah. You can't whistle in the house after sundown. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Don't sit on my bed.

[M]

You can't sit on the bed with outside clothes.

[A]

Yes.

[M]

You can't wash on Sundays or you're gonna wash somebody out. Your family.

[C]

Yes.

[M]

I should make a book.

[A]

Oh, my God. This is incorrect by this song. So intriguing. I was at my buddy's house house on Saturday and a bird flew in. Well, that's scary.

[M]

You do have aids.

[A]

Well, I mean, you're out of control.

[D]

You're out of control.

[C]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[M]

I love Tony, man. Tony. I just wrapped my first full length movie dog. They Found me from Kill Tony, bro.

[A]

What? Wow. That's incredible.

[M]

It had. Jonathan Majors is in it, bro. It comes out in, like, October, November. Yeah.

[A]

Okay, okay.

[M]

I filmed it in the worst city possible. Like, I was in Gaffney, South Carolina. There they don't know that slavery is over. Like, they're like, what you doing here, boy?

[A]

It's like the peach capital or something like that.

[M]

How'd you know?

[A]

Yeah, they have because house of cards. I'm a big fan of the head actor Kevin Spacy. So. I mean. And he is the senator from Gaffney. I do believe in that Congress.

[M]

The best restaurant there is Cracker Barrel.

[A]

Yeah. What do you get from Cracker Barrel when you go there? You look like the barrel, so you

[M]

look like the cracker.

[A]

We still got it. We still got it. Fun fact. A fun fact. David Lucas and I have the record for the two people in the world. World. That have made fun of each other the most.

[M]

Yes.

[A]

That's out there. That's an actual fact. And like that, you can watch recorded history. There's hours and hours and hours of us going back and forth.

[M]

You got the fastest torques in 60 seconds.

[A]

The fastest what?

[M]

Twerps. Will you be shaking your booty?

[A]

Oh, okay. Well, you have the slowest, obviously sluggish ass.

[M]

I love this little homosexual dick.

[A]

Amazing. I can't imagine how much weight that dog gained by eating the dingleberries hanging from your backside. I can't even imagine that dog ate good kibbles and bits. Some of that purina puppy child back there. Lord only knows what's going on back. Back there. That's why you're wearing camo.

[M]

I'm letting a that got bit by a gay vampire roast me.

[A]

All right.

[M]

Well, Cheryl, you don't age, baby. You're beautiful. That is amazing. I've been.

[A]

It is true. I had to change my jokes on the spot before the roast cuz you did look so good and I thought you were going to wear weave and then you came out with that beautiful head of hair. I was going to say I did have a joke like planned about what hair you would be wearing. And then you had that and I had to change it to Laffy Taffy in a dryer. I changed my whole thing.

[C]

Well, you talked about me being on the talk show. Nah, nah, nah.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[J]

That was fun.

[C]

That was funny. That was funny, Tony.

[M]

So most black women with money don't wear weaves anymore. They wear wigs.

[C]

Oh.

[A]

What's the difference between a weave and a wig?

[M]

A weave is sewn in or glued in and a wig covers. Covers your whole head. Kind of like when you get your dick sucked by your boyfriend.

[A]

Oh, okay. Perfect.

[D]

Oh.

[A]

Oh, now I get it. I didn't understand my boyfriend. You son of a. David Lucas, we love you. Everybody loves you. The legend, the hall of famer David Lucas. And now we go back to the bucket. We're coming up on it, folks. We are coming around that corner. Oh, what a beauty. The lovely Heidi. All right, we got another bucket full coming in hot. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for David hall, everybody. Here we go.

[L]

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am a bunch of white privilege, let me tell you. I'm born in Africa, so it technically makes me African American. African American. That must make some of you a little uncomfortable or excited. Depends on the day. What didn't help was my mother was a fantastic drug smuggler. I was the mule. So you can imagine a little boy, beautiful mom, lots of cocaine borders straight through. I just kept doing it. I grew up, I was like, oh, this white privilege thing seems to work. And then I get to New York City and I'm hanging out in the Bronx and my friends go, you got a little too much white privilege. I'm like, but I'm African American. They kick my ass. But after that, we went out and they really saw the white privilege. The little slide of the $20bill so we don't have to wait in line. The little slide of the $10 bill at the bar because I'm running out of money so I don't have to wait in line. And then at the end of the day, I'm asking them for money and they go, shit, maybe you are African American.

[A]

Okay, David Hall. So what do you mean you're African American? You were born in Africa?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Really?

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

What part?

[L]

Nairobi.

[A]

Okay. And two, obviously white parents.

[L]

One Corpus Christi, Texas. Mom.

[A]

Uh huh.

[L]

Who lied to me her whole life and told me she was a Cherokee and Indian.

[A]

Uh huh. They do that. Go ahead.

[L]

And father was English.

[I]

Wow.

[A]

Amazing. What's up with your eye?

[L]

You see, before I came out, I was like, do I do the eye joke or the privilege joke? So I was working in the mountains, as you do, with a big knife, as you do, and big machine kind of fell, kind of plunged it in my eye. Wait a second. It doesn't hurt. It's just liquid now. Wait, wait, wait. I'm standing there, knife in the eye. This isn't funny.

[A]

All right, get to it, David.

[L]

That's what I said.

[A]

Okay, that's it. So you lost your eye?

[L]

No, no, still there. They put it back together, but not too good.

[A]

But it doesn't work.

[L]

No. You look like God. Well, how many of there are you, David?

[A]

Okay, sorry. So is there a reason why you just walk around with your eye closed? Instead of wearing a patch or something.

[L]

I keep losing. Losing it.

[A]

You keep losing your eye patch? Yeah, it doesn't. It wrap around your head.

[H]

Yeah.

[L]

But you have a couple drinks, you're

[A]

like,

[L]

I don't get the eyeball jokes because they put the back in.

[A]

You drink a lot, David?

[L]

No.

[A]

Oh, okay. Just enough to lose your eye patch a lot.

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

All right.

[L]

I have glasses too, that I spray paint the inside, but then I just sit on them because they're on my left.

[A]

Okay.

[L]

Wow, A lot of glasses.

[C]

See, I was hoping for some pirate jokes or something to go with the eye. Cause the African American, we voted, and all the black people said that ain't. That shit ain't funny.

[L]

But they haven't seen me naked.

[C]

We don't want to see you naked. Okay, but. But I do think you could be. Never mind. You can't be.

[L]

Well, maybe the next bit will be pirate. I did add gold teeth lately.

[A]

Okay, David, let's take it one step at a time here. How long you been doing stand up comedy?

[L]

Never done stand up comedy, but I was in a circus in Paris for fun.

[A]

Okay, so the answer is this is your first time doing stand up comedy?

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

Are you a drunk or on something? Just, Just, just you?

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

You're just quiet and kind of shy.

[L]

Yeah, I guess for your first stand up night. Bit shy. Bit quiet quiet, yeah.

[A]

Okay, next one.

[L]

I'll have a drink.

[C]

Was it you was in a real circus or was you in a carnival?

[L]

Contemporary. Contemporary circus.

[C]

You for real?

[A]

Yeah, circus.

[L]

Yeah, circus.

[D]

What'd you do?

[L]

I presented the show and then around the bar afterwards.

[A]

So you were the, like Ms. Loyala?

[C]

What kind of circus is that? Like some. That we black people would do. You know, get. Get some dogs, bring this out.

[B]

Go.

[C]

This is a circus, kid.

[D]

And that's what they did. Bartender?

[C]

Yeah, bartender. So what Universal soul circus is like

[A]

what would happen at your circus. What type of entertainment did you have?

[L]

Well, Tony, it was experimental circus. So we had trapeze artists. Comedians. Well, not comedians. Clowns.

[A]

Okay? Actual crazy.

[D]

Love the goddamn clown.

[L]

They love the clown. Love them.

[A]

It's awful.

[L]

Yeah, we had this great guy who could take off his clothes without even touching him. I thought it was quite amazing. Like, pants off and then pants seem that hard.

[A]

We had three comedians almost have their pants fall off up here. Okay, all right, David. I just think you're kind of like, kind of boring, David.

[L]

Yeah, well, beginning for everything.

[A]

What's the most interesting thing about you before I let you go?

[L]

Most interesting thing about me? My wife.

[A]

Okay, what about her?

[L]

She is an East German refugee from the Communist block. I met her in Switzerland and she dropped everything, followed me to Scotland, followed me back to Switzerland, followed me to New York, Colorado, and now here.

[A]

Okay.

[L]

And she's fantastic.

[A]

Okay, what's your favorite thing about her?

[L]

Favorite thing about Susan. She has that laugh in the movie theater where no one else laughs.

[J]

Laughs.

[A]

I can tell.

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

Because you probably ran some of this material by her and she was probably cracking up.

[L]

She was losing it. You want to see an impression of her losing it?

[A]

Sure. Okay. Here you go, David. I'm gonna get you out of here. All right. There you go. Back to the circus you go, David Hall. There he goes. All right. We're gonna keep it moving along. Yeah. Your next bucket pole goes by the name of Stephen Glenn. Ladies and gentlemen. Here comes Stephen Glenn. You gotta be kidding me. Unbelievable. This show's crazy. Sometimes you wanna go. Cause you wanna be rare. In your mouth. Why can a weed.

[C]

Where homos go. Penises in your face.

[A]

Honey. I'll be very. What?

[G]

Can I eat your.

[B]

Hey.

[A]

But that. Okay. Okay. Is there more you wanted? Did you want to do something I had. Okay.

[G]

Yes.

[L]

Dude.

[A]

Yes. That was awesome.

[D]

Keep doing that. That rule.

[A]

All right. Can I. I mean, I don't even know where to begin with this. Stephen. Did you want to do something other than sing a bad parody of a song?

[G]

Fun fact.

[A]

Jews. Okay, I'm gonna stop you there. Step.

[C]

Keep going.

[A]

Keep going.

[G]

Jew Jews like to kill six out of seven people. That's where six, seven, six, seven came from.

[N]

Solid.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yes.

[G]

Yes.

[C]

How?

[D]

I'm so in.

[C]

How are you? How are you getting at? Because I know there's some Jews and some gay people outside ready to whoop your fat ass. And why did you drop the clown suit? That was the funny shit. And you got the nerve to have a fanny pack?

[G]

Yeah.

[C]

Where are we going with all of this?

[A]

I completely disagree.

[D]

This is the lane to stay in it.

[A]

This is awesome. Stephen. Glenn. I gotta ask.

[D]

What's up with Asians?

[A]

Give us some. How long.

[D]

I loved it, dude.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

How long have you been doing comedy, Stephen?

[G]

This is my second time.

[A]

Right. In the. Your first time you did it.

[P]

Did you.

[A]

Did you do it with a clown suit? Come out, face the other way. And then sing a parody of the Cheers theme song song.

[G]

I did the Cheers theme theme song.

[A]

The finger goes into the belly button. That is. He's. He. When he gets nervous, he fingers his belly button.

[G]

It's a tick.

[A]

It's a tick. Oh, my goodness. Steven, keep doing what you're doing.

[D]

Do not pivot from this. I'm telling you, you. This is gold.

[A]

Thank you, Stephen. I don't know how we're going to get it around the. The YouTube rules on song parodies are so strict that we're going to have to really do some surgery to your parody and have people imagine the Cheers theme song while not actually being able to. I don't think we're going to be able to air. Red Band has informed me that there's no way we can get that through. Yes, it's not us, it's YouTube because they are very strict on the way that music works. I'll pay the fee. Okay. All right,

[D]

you heard it here.

[A]

Oh, oh, he's making some big creative decisions over here, folks.

[G]

The.

[D]

You gotta. I mean, second time he made a choice.

[L]

Totally.

[A]

Oh, absolutely. And he has not cracked a smile. This is a serious man. Oh, there he goes.

[D]

Steven, I like that you.

[A]

When was your last time? When was the first time that you tried this out? Was that a week ago? A month?

[G]

It was at the show in OR for Texas.

[A]

When was the question?

[G]

Two weeks. Two weeks ago.

[A]

Two weeks ago. And you're like, this is it. I'm ready.

[G]

Yeah, I got a good. I got a good feedback.

[A]

So pure. Perfect. No, I mean, you're getting it here too. How old are you?

[G]

45.

[A]

No way. There's no way you're 45.

[G]

Yes, I'm 45.

[A]

Okay, so what. What have you been doing your whole life, Stephen? Tell us about the real Stephen. Go ahead.

[G]

Well, the first time I got on stage, I was like 4 years old and I had a clown outfit on and I fell in love with the stage because like the first time I was on stage, I kept bowing and I kept applauding and this is, you know, kind of like a full circle moment with the clown outfit. So I was kind of hoping I could like recapture that with this audience.

[A]

Yeah, you just did it. Yeah, yeah.

[G]

So the more I bow, the more you applaud.

[A]

Uh huh.

[G]

Please.

[A]

Okay, That was good.

[D]

I told you, dude.

[C]

Okay, that, that part was good. Cuz you kind of lost me. You was like Jason Alexander lost all his Seinfeld money. But I. But I went with you on it and you committed and you stuck the landing and I'm with it. You got on the Chuck Taylors. I. I see where you going with

[A]

all of this, Stephen. You are like, you seem to be a really funny guy.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What do you. What have you been doing your Whole life. I mean, I got to know more about you. Tell us about your real life. What do you do for work?

[G]

I do Uber.

[A]

You drive? Just regular people in cars?

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you ever do. How long you been doing that for?

[G]

About six months.

[A]

Okay. What were you doing before that? Everybody wants to know.

[G]

Well, I kind of take care of my mom.

[A]

Mom? Oh, what's up with your mom?

[G]

Hi, Mom.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[G]

Well, I moved in when my dad passed away, and so I kind of, you know, she became my best friend.

[A]

Okay. Wow.

[G]

And she. She's not going to be around forever, so I'm taking applications if anybody looking for best friend.

[D]

His voice is so cool, too. He's talking up here like he's.

[C]

Sounds like Bill Clinton meets Elvis.

[A]

Yes.

[G]

Yeah.

[O]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah.

[G]

Yeah. My grandfather wrote an Elvis Presley song.

[A]

Really? Wow.

[G]

Called Crying in the Chapel. It's the only gospel song that's on his number one hits album.

[D]

Do you have a gay parody of it?

[G]

I could. I could make something.

[A]

No, you can't. You can't. It literally. It set Elvis. It sets off.

[C]

Don't lose us.

[A]

The YouTube. The YouTube rules are crazy now. You literally can't do anything with music. We're going to really.

[C]

You really drive?

[B]

You.

[C]

You drive Uber, did you say?

[G]

Yeah, that's correct.

[C]

Do you put the child lock on it so people can't get out the car?

[G]

Yeah, it. It was on childlike. It had some kind of thing where they couldn't leave, so I kept having to open the door for him, and then it fixed itself somehow.

[A]

But.

[G]

Yeah.

[D]

What did you do, like, the pretty previous? Like, 25 years, basically, yeah. What were your other.

[G]

Oh, I was a child actor for Kenneth Copeland Ministries.

[A]

For what? You were a child actor for what did you say?

[C]

Kenneth Copeland Ministries?

[A]

I'm trying to. What? What?

[G]

Yeah,

[A]

okay. What? Say it again, God damn it.

[G]

I was a character on a series for Kenneth Copeland Ministries called Commander Kelly and the Super Kids. My. My name. My name was Rapper. The. The. The guy who was the nerd super kid was black, but they gave me the rapper part because I was on the audio tapes before the VHS came out.

[D]

What. Hold on.

[K]

How.

[D]

How long did that gig last?

[A]

Think.

[G]

I mean, we. There were four movies for about eight to 10 years, I think.

[D]

You did it for 10 years?

[G]

Yeah. Yeah.

[E]

All right.

[A]

What was your name on the show? What was your character's name?

[G]

Rapper.

[C]

Rapper.

[G]

It's kind of generic, but, you know,

[A]

they'll keep that stuff there. Okay, well, that's.

[D]

You do something after that, but before

[G]

or I was on an episode of Chuck Nor.

[D]

Yeah, but that's one.

[A]

Wait, hold on, hold on.

[C]

You was on Walker, Texas Ranger.

[A]

You were on an episode of Chuck Norris.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

Listen, is this you?

[G]

Yeah, that's me.

[A]

That's you. But we lost him.

[C]

Yeah, that was a close one.

[A]

That's you with an agent on our toe. We ducked into the alley, but the

[G]

agent duck as well. They cut across the neighborhood and hid behind a tree. And that's just when they came out

[A]

to get Fighter Vietnam.

[G]

We did good.

[A]

Oh, my God. Okay. I know talent. I know talent. Trying to tell you, man. I fucking know talent, dog.

[C]

Simon Cow of Kyoto.

[A]

Yes. So the question remains, Stephen.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Between that little Uber and you now, what the have you been doing the whole time?

[G]

So my mom says I inherited my dad's body. So, you know, it's kind of an ode to him, but.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

This is Jedi level evading. It's unbelievable and I respect it.

[A]

It is. It is something else. You have an unbelievable amount of charisma when you say that you were on an episode of Chuck Norris, which is the name of an actor. What do you mean exactly?

[G]

Did I say Chuck Norris?

[A]

Yeah, you said you were Walker, Texas.

[M]

Right.

[A]

Okay, what episode can you describe your character in? Walker, Texas Ranger.

[G]

I remember I had, like, a purple silk shirt.

[A]

Okay, do you. Do you remember the name of the episode or the name of your character?

[G]

No, the scene got cut out. I handed.

[A]

Oh, all right.

[C]

Yeah, I can see that.

[A]

Much like it's going to on this episode of K, because there's no way we're going to be able to get around that Cheers thing. It's going to be basically start with your interview, and people, the listeners will understand that you did a gay parody of the Cheers theme, because, trust me, we won't be able to do it.

[G]

Right on.

[A]

It's gonna cost, like, 40,000 bucks.

[D]

And I want to be clear, I'm not paying that fee.

[A]

I was around. Oh, they're doing. Oh, okay, here's 40 grand. Sure. Look how serious he is.

[G]

We are red band.

[A]

I'm excited because he just kind of chuckled and he had.

[G]

You have an Asian wife, right?

[A]

Yes, sure.

[G]

So me and my buddy, we got. We got the bright idea to start interviewing Asian women. You know, make it really exclusive. So if you're Asian and you see me and my friend on the street, you know, say, what's it.

[A]

Hold on a second. Hold on a second. Step. You might be one of the most accidentally hilarious people I've ever had on this show. Just Say what's up? So you and your homie are interviewing exclusively Asian women on. On the street, cuz, you see, you

[G]

know, those guys question women on the street, but they're always like, the drunk white girl.

[A]

Yeah.

[G]

So, you know, we want to spread the love.

[A]

All right, Jenn, pranked right now. No, Jenn will do it. Jenn, very good. Thank you. We're being pranked right now. You're like a professional. Something. Something's happening here. Who sent you here? What are you exactly? Tell us the truth, God damn it. You're here to bust the show. You're trying to crack the show.

[G]

No, not deep state.

[D]

If you're Asian, don't be scared.

[A]

That was amazing. I got.

[D]

You're Asian, just holler. You know what I mean?

[A]

Like, this is the first time in the history of the show in which every question I ask results in me having 25 more questions. Let me start here. How many Asian women, men, have you interviewed on the street? If you had to guess, if you had to give us a ballpark, this show that you and your buddy supposedly do or have been doing.

[G]

So we came. We came here to Austin

[A]

about.

[G]

About 12 years ago, and we did, like, this music video called Asian Girls. And then we went back on YouTube to see if, you know, it's copyrighted or who did it, but we can't find it. So we're going to use it for the theme song for this show.

[A]

You're going to do a thing called what?

[G]

We're going to do a show called Asian Asian Girl.

[A]

But you haven't recorded any yet, huh? Have you recorded.

[G]

No, we haven't interviewed any Asian girls. So this.

[A]

I had a feeling.

[G]

We're going to use the footage we shot 12 years ago in Austin.

[A]

What are the odds?

[G]

And then we're gonna, you know, interview some amazing girls.

[D]

But you haven't done any yet?

[G]

No.

[D]

Okay, so that was. You were just, like, people know.

[G]

Letting you know, say, what's up?

[A]

Wow. So. What do you. Are there any Asian women in the audience right now? Can you get the original insight? Is there an Asian woman in the crowd? Turn the red lights up, Keena. Let's see if there's an Asian woman in the crowd that might want to be interviewed. Is there an Asian woman that's willing to come up here and get interviewed by Stephen Glenn? Not a single Asian woman. There's gotta be nobody. That's a Mexican lady, sir. All right, forget it. Turn it down. Why don't we make believe. Why don't you pretend like Cheryl Underwood is an Asian woman.

[D]

Boy.

[C]

Oh, no. This is. This isn't even the Asian hair.

[A]

This is different.

[C]

So. Yeah, you. But you said 12 years ago.

[G]

12. Yeah.

[C]

You recorded.

[G]

We. Yeah, we came down here and shot footage from my friend's Mexican version of Mario vehicle. He had a car. He painted it. He.

[O]

He.

[G]

He created the Mexican Mario. And we were.

[A]

Or what exactly? Confusion.

[C]

You're asking me why am I confused?

[A]

It's clear as day.

[D]

Twelve years ago, him and his buddy recorded a video for Asian girls. His buddy. And then they're gonna interview girls.

[A]

Jesus Christ.

[C]

Clear as day.

[A]

What do you mean, Mexican Mario? What was the difference between regular Mario and Mexican Mario? Out.

[G]

Well, he had a poncho. Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Tony, are we getting played right now?

[A]

I think we might be. He's. I love it.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

You need to go audition for Saturday Night Live.

[G]

Okay.

[A]

Right.

[C]

Cuz I think you will be amazing. Okay.

[D]

I enjoy the ride. Whatever this was. I love the ride, dude. I had so much fun with this.

[A]

Don't.

[D]

Please don't go.

[C]

It's like if. It's like if you mix crack with quo. Yes.

[D]

Dude. Wait, did you with a lot of drugs?

[G]

No.

[A]

Have you ever. Have you ever hit your head really hard against something?

[P]

I'm.

[G]

I am epileptic. So if you see me. If you see me, I'm epileptic.

[A]

Shocking.

[E]

Yeah.

[G]

So if you see me flopping around, that's not part of the act,

[A]

Dude.

[G]

Yes.

[I]

Dude.

[D]

This is by far the best person ever.

[A]

I don't know what's real and what's not. You're so funny. It's incredible. I feel like we might be the last ones in on a joke. I feel like you're like an actual professional that's goofing around and being silly. You have half a clown suit on. Your shirt's still lifted up. You are something else. I love your style. Here's a big J joke. Buck Stephen Glenn, take a bow. Oh my God. That is something. He almost went the wrong way. Behind the curtain. I just saw Tony.

[D]

That was unbelievable. Unbelievable.

[A]

This show is crazy. It is insane. That's crazy. That's crazy. That is him. That's him. It's a little kid. That is him.

[D]

As the rapper on Kenneth Copeland.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Jesus show.

[A]

This is all crazy. This is all nuts. We have one final bucket poll that has to follow that everybody. And they will go by the name of Suede McCoy. 1. 1 minute uninterrupted from your final funkin poll of the night. Suede McCoy.

[N]

I'm gonna start. I'm gonna waste part of my minute.

[D]

What the fuck was that?

[N]

What? I almost daisy duked my shirt coming out this way. That was wild. No, you don't wanna see that. It's sad underneath. Here. Here's my minute. Fuck P. Diddy. Dude, Fuck P. Diddy. I know you like him, but I don't like him. I don't like the guy. I think the worst thing he ever did was mute music. Hang on. I think. I think if he was better at music, we'd forgive the rest of it. Like, think. Hang on, hang on.

[A]

I only got a minute.

[N]

Think. Think about Michael Jackson, dude. Michael Jackson. They said, michael's fucking kids. And he said. And they said, shut up, Macaulay. Shut your stupid mouth. They told Macaulay, too.

[B]

Beat it.

[N]

That's bad. On that same note, R. Kelly pissed on women. But P. Diddy didn't pee, did he? It's called wordplay. Thanks, guys. I'm Suede McCoy.

[A]

Thank you, Suede McCoy. How long you been doing stand up, buddy?

[N]

You what?

[A]

How long you been doing standup. Com?

[N]

Two years. Doing stand up? I've been acting for, like, 15 years or so.

[A]

Really? Have you acted in anything that we've seen? Perhaps an episode of Chuck Norris?

[N]

I was that guy's stunt double.

[A]

That's crazy.

[N]

Duke and everything. My dad's in the music industry. He's actually friends with a couple of friends of yours. Rob Schneider was in a music video of his.

[A]

Okay, but would it be acted in anything we could recognize?

[B]

No.

[N]

I'm just going to say my dad's doing stuff I don't do much if I'm on.

[C]

Honest.

[N]

I'm not good for a whole lot.

[A]

All right. So how do you make a living, Suede?

[N]

I work for a boot company called Luc Casey.

[A]

Oh, okay. We like Luc Casey.

[N]

The clap sounded good. The boots are going okay. All right. Good.

[A]

Yep. Good boots. How long you worked with them?

[N]

About three or four years.

[A]

Now I'm more of a Tokova's guy. Point your toes. Wet. No. Come on. It's okay. It's all right. Until Lucchese is a sponsor, I am a Tokovas guy.

[N]

I'll figure that out.

[A]

I'll talk to him. Perfect. Talk to your dad for me, will you? So, Suede, tell us more about your life. What else?

[N]

Grew up in a small town in East Texas. My dad did music for a long time, so I toured for a little while.

[A]

Is your dad famous? Can you say his name?

[N]

He's a country singer named Neil McCoy.

[A]

Okay. You guys know Neil McCoy. Okay, checks out. My Mexicans agree. They know Neil McCoy.

[N]

He's part Filipino, so the Mexicans and the Asians love him.

[A]

Perfect. Perfect. I love to latch on to amazing stuff. Oh yeah, Neil McCoy. Legend known professionally as Neil McCoy and previously as Neil McCoy. He changed his name, huh?

[N]

Yeah, I, I stole that too. I'm using the McCoy thing too.

[A]

That makes sense.

[N]

Look at McCoy. How it's spelled on there. It's like nine letters long. You can't write that, right?

[A]

Definitely not. Okay, suede. Any other fun facts about your life? What's. What else is crazy?

[N]

I lived in LA for about seven years. I left because I got robbed at Gunpowder Point.

[A]

Uhhuh. That makes sense.

[N]

Lost that fight.

[A]

Yeah. No cops around, right?

[N]

No cops until I called him. I, I tell you what, I've never felt. I've never felt more racist. I'm not racist.

[C]

Let's start there.

[N]

I look, hang on, wait, stay with me. I've never felt more racist than when I tried to describe the guys that robbed me to the police. That's hard to do. Hey, Cheryl, how are you?

[B]

I see you.

[A]

What's up?

[D]

Wait, what they look like?

[A]

Yeah, can you describe?

[C]

We want to hear the description.

[N]

I couldn't really see, it was really dark outside. But I know they were wearing black hoodies. They were wearing very black hood, very African American hoodies.

[A]

Wait, wait a minute, wait. They had where the hoodies that.

[N]

Yeah, they both had on Jordan fours.

[D]

Yeah, those, those are exclusively for the blacks.

[N]

Shoes you could dunk in and, and rob Mason. That's shoes you can dunk and rob.

[D]

What did you say to, what'd you say on the 911 call?

[N]

I said, hey, you got, you guys got anybody in North Hollywood free? And they said, yeah, why not? And they sent over. When you call the. Here's the problem. When you call the cops, you want two 6 foot tall white guys with a mustache.

[D]

Definitely white. Yes.

[N]

Well, with muscles. You want them to say which way did they go and take off running? I got, I'm not kidding you, I got two five foot four Hispanic ladies that were overweight weight. And I thought, what are you going to do? Roll after them? Like what, how are we, how are we catching these guys? The Jordans are going to be really fast.

[A]

Yeah. Going to help a lot. So that happens.

[C]

Cheryl, under this really happen?

[N]

It did, yeah. There's a whole 911 report. I can send it to you.

[C]

Okay, you need.

[N]

I'll fax it over.

[C]

Well, you lost me when I thought you Were going to say something really good like CPT Compton or something. North Hollywood.

[N]

Yeah, that's what I thought.

[C]

How do your bitch ass get robbed in North Hollywood? Look at me, right?

[N]

You can rob this anywhere. You can rob this with an idea.

[C]

Well, let me give you two. Let me give you two things I'm feeling. First of all, you came behind that guy and you did a really good job.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So I give it up to you to come behind the other guy. The name Sway Coy is.

[N]

Thought it was gonna be a black guy. That's.

[C]

No, I knew he was gonna be country as hell. I knew. I thought you was gonna come out here with a guitar and sing or do something. But I. I think you. You are a really good p. Person with a great Persona. But that robbery joke. If you're gonna make those connections where it's kind of us, but it's not us, then you gotta make the connection. Right. Cause when you said North Hollywood, I was like, ah, this didn't get robbed. You know, he was trying to get. Or he wasn't getting robbed.

[A]

Yeah. Where'd it happen? About Lankershim and Magnolia.

[G]

Yeah.

[N]

So, yeah, I was up in Magnolia in like kind of those neighborhoods right off Lankershire.

[A]

Right. You know how I knew that?

[M]

Oh, no.

[A]

Because the train stations right there.

[N]

They ran a train on me.

[A]

Well, wait. It's just an easy getaway. It's an easy getaway to get on the red line to the believe blue line. And then you're back in Compton again where Cheryl's talking about.

[N]

I wish you'd been the cop. They would have found him. I wish if.

[C]

If you got to say something better than that. But did you just say they ran a train on you?

[N]

I meant they ran to a train. I'll. Thanks for having.

[A]

That's it.

[N]

Got.

[A]

What did they get from you?

[N]

I had just gotten back from a cruise and. You carry a lot of cash on a Cruise. I had $500 in my wallet, which in LA is a billion dollars.

[A]

Yeah.

[N]

So they took pretty much everything I had.

[A]

Well, Suede, any other crazy fun facts we should know about you before letting you go?

[N]

Not that I can think of.

[A]

You take stand up seriously? How. How often do you perform?

[N]

I try to perform at least every week.

[A]

All right, well, there you go. If you really are serious about it, I would do it almost every day. Try your best. Here's a big joke book. Fun stuff. Suede McCoy's Hilton debut. Ladies and gentlemen. Gentlemen. And now we've reached that part of the show where Boy, oh, boy, do I have a special monster for you people. I mean, this guy is the full time, newest regular, and every single week he comes out guns a blazing with material that we just can't believe. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the real deal. This is Pat o', Neal,

[N]

Folks.

[A]

I support a woman's right to choose and a man's right to snooze. Wake me up when the kid's dead, bitch.

[C]

Okay,

[A]

I don't know how to tell my girlfriend I want an abortion. So I just bought some red confetti for the gender reveal and. Figure that should send the message. I'm actually thinking about getting a vasectomy. Or as trans people call it, microdosing. Seriously, folks, if you would have told me like 10 years ago that one day men were actually going to be Alaska in women's bathrooms, then I would have pled not guilty. Just needed more time. Okay. Thank you. Son of a. I mean, every single week, he comes in over the top and just absolutely only hits home runs. Pat o', Neal, you've done it again. Thank you, sir. It's incredible. The run that you are on right now, now is something else. That is just crazy. How does it feel, buddy? Pretty good. Yeah. Sitting back there for a while while that gay clown was out here. Yeah. There's a lot going on. This was a wacky episode. We were. We were waiting on something like you, and you brought it home. Once again, Cheryl Underwood, I want to hear your analysis. This has to be her first time

[C]

seeing Emo Phillips on acid.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

To me, I think you have something very irreverent, but it has humanity. I don't want you to stop being you. Don't let nobody tell you what you can't do or where it's not gonna go.

[A]

Oh, I've tried not to be a lot, so.

[C]

Cause I think you're very, very funny.

[A]

Thank you, man. Thank you so much. You are. Thank you. Thank you.

[C]

Very provocative. Yeah. Would you.

[A]

I'm just glad to be on your good side after watching all night. Honestly, Tom Segura, this is your first time seeing Pato.

[D]

It is. That was so funny, dude.

[A]

Thank you, Tommy.

[O]

So fun.

[A]

You're welcome.

[D]

No, it was. It was fun to. To wrap up the night with, like, fun, like, solid jokes. I love that they're dark. It was really fun. Please keep going.

[F]

Thank you.

[A]

Thanks. Yeah. Pat o' Neal is on a mission unlike any other. I mean, he really encompasses the writing and execution that this show likes to exemplify. Pat, you've done it again. Congratulations. Thank you so much. We love you. This episode was brought to you by Shopify, Talk Space and Zip Recruiter. Guys, how about one more time Bad thoughts out now on Netflix. Season two of one of the most unbelievably compelling, awkward, weird ass hilarious shows ever.

[D]

Things amazing, dude.

[A]

Congrats, Tom. I mean, you're just absolutely crushing it with that show. I saw the promos and I can't wait to watch it. It's out now by the time when this episode drops, so go watch it. Season 2 Bad Thoughts out now and he's in Oxnard working on new material July 7th and 8th. How about one more time for the Kill Tony debut of Cheryl Underwood, ladies and gentlemen, I. I need a job for Go to packrat productions inc.com for tickets and be on the lookout. She is the first person ever in Netflix Roast history to immediately get a special deal after the roast. My special is out on June 9th on Netflix. Man of the people. Which is what I am, you know what I mean? I'm just a man of the people. People often misunderstood. I'll tell you right now, there's a joke on there that is going to be in the news. So I'm gonna be the talk of everything again. Oh, boy. So crazy. He did it again. This episode brought to you by Shopify, Talk Space and Zip Recruiter. One more time for the best damn band in all the land. Absolutely crushing all night long. Follow them on Instagram at the Kill Tony band. But check in and see what Ryan Je belt drew tonight. Oh, yep, there's a little bit of everything on there. Cheryl Underwood, Tom Segura. I see me. Red band. And let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there.

[C]

Whoa.

[A]

Pat o'. Neal. That's a good one. That is him. Without a doubt. We are doing Madison Square garden for the third year in a row. August 7th and 8th. Yeah. And we are coming to. Maybe Vegas will be announced by now, but we're going to Vegas and Dallas and Houston. Red band.

[B]

I'm going to San Diego.

[A]

I'm bringing Pat O' Neill and Rachel Wolfson. American Comedy co.com we love you guys. God bless this show and God bless the United States of America. Thank you, everybody. Good night. Sam.

[C]

Sa.

[A]

Mar. Sa.