KILL TONY #772 - JOE DEROSA + TIM BUTTERLY

Summary

Kill Tony #772 – JOE DEROSA + TIM BUTTERLY

Date: June 16, 2026
Location: Texas Trust CU Theatre, Dallas, Texas
Host: Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban
Guests: Joe DeRosa, Tim Butterly
Notable Regulars: William Montgomery, Dedrick Flynn, Liz Splatt, Aya, Martin Phillips, Timmy No Breaks
Show Format: 1-minute stand-up from comics pulled randomly, followed by interviews and improvisational panel banter.

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EPISODE OVERVIEW

Theme:
A classic, eccentric roadshow edition of Kill Tony, packing an 8,000-seat Dallas theater with bucket draws from local and visiting comics. Celebrated for its unpredictability, this episode features sharp crowd work, wild audience energy, and Kill Tony’s signature blend of brutal roasting, heartfelt encouragement, and chaotic improv. The show's legends and regulars share the spotlight with a diverse parade of open-mic hopefuls and offbeat personalities.

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KEY DISCUSSION POINTS & SEGMENTS

1. Opening & Guest Intro

• Tony opens with Texas pride, gratitude for the crowd, and shout-outs to local club owner Randy Butler.
• He hypes Joe DeRosa and Tim Butterly as two of the funniest recurring guests in Kill Tony history, noting their personal projects and "all killer, no filler" status.
  Quote:

  “These are your guests. Joe DeRosa and Tim Butterly...two of truly the funniest men on planet earth today.” (04:13)

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2. The Regular – Dedrick Flynn (08:17)

• Comedy Minute: Embraces not forgiving people, recounts a laser tag beef with his nephew, throws down Southern family banter, mama jokes, and stories from growing up around various cultures.
• Highlights:
  • Explains extended family blending in the South.
  • Trades hilarious banter about race, "Lord of the Rings" shirts, and Black/White dynamics with Tony and Joe.
• Memorable Moments:
  • “I want to compliment you on being the blackest person ever to wear a Lord of the Rings shirt.” – Joe DeRosa (13:23)
  • Timestamps:
    • Lord of the Rings banter at (13:12–15:15)
    • Crowd laughter about "white nephews" and family at (12:24)

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3. Bucket Pull Comics & Panel Roasting (17:28–128:32)

a. Jefe (17:28)

• Set: Family, a grandpa with six wives named Barbara, marijuana jokes, learning of his adoption.
• Panel: Light ribbing on appearance and military ‘stolen valor’ confusion.
  • “How long you been a bouncer at a hookah bar?” – Tony (19:52)
  • “This is how I picture a financial expert dressed – glitter sandals and cargo shorts.” – Joe DeRosa (22:19)

b. Lawton Parnell (24:51)

• Set: Roommate embarrassing moments, babysitter jokes, depression and ham for dinner.
• Background: Flew in from WV for the shot – gets booked for “The Secret Show.”
• Quote:

  “A lot of comics come on stage dressed stonery...but with you it matches your persona, your humor… the whole character’s there.” – Joe DeRosa (29:13)

c. Liz Splatt (30:57)

• Set: Fat camp as a child, being “cool fat,” running fat camp social circles.
• Highlight: Declares intent to usurp regular slots.
  “I’m here to take that fat, busted Heidi’s job!” (33:33)
• Notable crowd reaction: Stage twerk battle with Heidi and wild cheers (34:12).

d. Marco Garcia (36:23)

• Set: Self-deprecating debt and therapy jokes, lifeguarding in the "hood" and saving two Black people.
• “You’re the first lifeguard that makes the kids drown even more.” – Joe, (38:07)
• Panel explores his unique lifeguarding experiences in Dallas.

e. Albert Moreno (43:00)

• Set: Spanish doomsday church, therapy in Latino culture, getting fired from Amazon for going 3 seconds over the speed limit.
• Panel jokes about Amazon, green cards, and small-town Texas.
• Quote: “We are white people without white privilege – it’s like being a Black guy with a short dick.” – Tomek Kolecki (82:13)

f. Gil (90:33)

• Set: One-liners on popes killing cats, incest, “chat EBT”, furries.
• Interview reveals he was stabbed by his son during a family blowup.
• Notable banter:
  • “Every detail about you from head to toe is ideal [stepdad].” – Tony (95:17)
  • “He stabbed me three times...I just walked upstairs.” (103:17)
• Ends with Gil and panel trading slaps, mustache jokes, and wild crowd participation.

g. Martin Phillips (105:16)

• Set: Squeamishness, "losing a leg," hotel sex noises, tap-dancing demo using homemade “Texas tap shoes” (crushed soda cans duct-taped to sneakers).
• Panel discussion turns to favorite Buc-ee’s products and Texas nostalgia.

h. Steven Taco (111:31)

• Set: Beekeeper, bee/ethnicity jokes, Russian bees, mother’s toothless photo T-shirt.
• Reveals jail stint for meth possession, details on jail life, “jack shots for two soups” barter, and consensual inmate romances.
• “Russian bees… They’re soldiers, bro.” (116:06)

i. Trenton Tebow (122:28)

• Set: Losing virginity to a female magician, New Year’s ‘weight loss’ goals, being too fat for meth.
• Was hit by a semi, lost a year of memory.
• Interview becomes a love letter to “frying chicken jobs” and small-town Texas stats.

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4. Regulars and Hall of Famers

a. William Montgomery (129:46)

• Set: Absurdist punchlines on Tiger Woods, lifeguarding, Easter Bunny and Israel, knock-knock Prince joke.
• Crowd-pleasing “10 jumping jacks.”
• Extended Buc-ee’s banter and roasted Redban.
  • “You look like a Make a Wish person in your bucket hat.” – William to Redban (136:34)

b. Timmy No Breaks (138:52)

• “Avant-garde” closer:
  • Absurdist, meta, green screen standup parody involving fake CGI, “crime statistics,” fisting/sex stories, and elaborate product placement with a dildo-as-toothbrush bit.
  • Orchestrates chaos with a “CGI” ex-girlfriend dance-off finale.
  • Quote:
    “I hired an editor...so everything I describe, pretend you’re seeing it, we’ll add it in post.” (138:52)
  • Panel calls him “the anomaly” for “rewriting” the show’s possibilities.

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5. MEMORABLE QUOTES/MOMENTS

• Banter about race and family:

  • “Why would you have a white nephew?” – Tony (12:34)
  • “Is there a Lord of the Rings character that black people fuck with especially? – Tony (15:15)

• Crowd Participation:

  • Audience repeatedly chants for “10 jumping jacks” from comics, William Montgomery, and others.

• Offbeat Interviews:

  • Gil describes being stabbed by his son (96:17-103:32)
  • Steven Taco’s tales of prison “jack shot” binders and beekeeping (118:17, 119:29, 121:21)
  • Tomek Kolecki declines a Latina's on-stage kiss out of loyalty to his Polish girlfriend, causing panel-wide laughter (86:29-87:11).

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6. Notable Guests: Panelists/Regulars

• Joe DeRosa
  • Insightful with comics, quick with self-deprecating and race/sex jokes about “getting blown by trans people.”
  • Often delivers top quotes and tie-ins with panel.
• Tim Butterly
  • Dark, dry commentary on Texas, his show, and the scene’s weirdness, capped by panel roast from Timmy No Breaks.

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TIMESTAMPS FOR MAJOR SEGMENTS

• [08:17] Dedrick Flynn’s regular spot kicks off the show
• [17:28] Jefe (first bucket)
• [24:51] Lawton Parnell
• [30:57] Liz Splatt’s set + twerk-off
• [36:23] Marco Garcia
• [43:00] Albert Moreno
• [90:33] Gil and “the stabbing story”
• [105:16] Martin Phillips + tap shoes
• [111:31] Steven Taco + prison stories
• [122:28] Trenton Tebow
• [129:46] William Montgomery (Hall of Fame closer)
• [138:52] Timmy No Breaks (finale performance & send-off)

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TONE & STYLE

Expect Kill Tony’s unique blend:

• Roasting, irreverence, unpredictable crowd moves
• Insider riffs, standup technical feedback, and local references (Dallas, Buc-ee’s, local clubs)
• Increasingly surreal and meta antics, especially in the final acts

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SUMMARY: WHY THIS EPISODE STANDS OUT

• Largest-scale live Kill Tony energy—a record 8,000+ in attendance amplifies every riff and ad-lib.
• Showcases the entire spectrum of comedy: from raw open mics and deeply personal stories (stabbings, cult churches, prison) to polished regulars and high-concept, fourth-wall-breaking closer by Timmy No Breaks.
• Panel shines: Joe and Tim’s chemistry, quick wit, and rapport with Tony create a free-flowing, thoroughly engaging episode with huge memorable lines, infectious chaos, and real moments of Texas standup grit and heart.

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For the diehard Kill Tony fan, #772 is essential—raucous, unfiltered, and inventively weird, it captures everything the show’s cult following adores and pushes the format in new, outrageous directions.

Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever, Shop Squad tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redmond coming to you live from the Texas Trucks CU theater here in Dallas, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up on Tony hitsc, Dallas, Texas. Who's ready for the best night of their life?

[Timmy No Breaks]

Kimmy

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Brian, Red Bandwidth. The best damn band in all the land. Texas own Kill Tony band, ladies and gentlemen. Holy Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande. How about Matt Muhling? That dire straights gotta love it. The great John D's on the keys and right there next to him, that is indeed the one and only live in the flesh D Madness. Ladies and gentlemen. Oh my God. The fun we are going to have tonight. For those of you watching online, we made a nice little few hour long road trip, stopped off at Buc EE's obviously on the way. We are here in our home state, living the fucking American dream in beautiful Dallas, Texas. Tonight, powerful, powerful Dallas, we're going to have a lot of fun. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. We're all getting better about talking openly about mental health, but finding support can still feel overwhelming. Between schedules, cost and trying to find the right therapist, it's easy to keep putting it off. That's why I like Talkspace. Talkspace is the number one rated online therapy, bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatrists that you can access online anytime, anywhere and you can switch providers at no extra cost to make sure you find one that really fits your needs. Redban Talkspace is in network with most

[Joe DeRosa]

major insurance plans and many insured members

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

pay a co play of $0.

[Joe DeRosa]

Better yet, part of Talkspace's mission is

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

to provide quality care whether or not you are insured. Meaning it's actually affordable and out of pocket too. I've seen how helpful it can be to talk things out with someone who can give you perspective and support. Sometimes having that space to process can make a huge difference. So as a listener of this podcast, you'll get $80 off your first month with Talk Space. When you go to talkspace.com Tony and enter promo code SPACE80. That's S, P, A, C, E80. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to talkspace.com Tony enter promo code SPACE80. Dallas, Texas. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Unbelievable. Let's fucking go, people.

[William Montgomery]

Right into it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Every single show I booked personally, myself. This one, I said, let's bring the fucking bo. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you two of the best guests in Kill Tony history. Two of truly the funniest men on planet earth today. These are your guests, Joe DeRosa and Tim Butterly.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. Standing ovation from Dallas, motherfuckin Texas. Tim Butterly, Joe De Rosa. We're here. This is what it's like in the club, kids. Just a mothership plus 8,000 people. Feels like home. Feels like home. I just did Butterly's podcast. Joe DeRosa has a new show on all things comedy. Everybody's bumping. What do you. How you guys feel? Look at the. What do you feel about this crowd? You hearing this?

[Joe DeRosa]

This is a good fucking crowd. Holy shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're gonna have some fun tonight.

[Joe DeRosa]

I can't wait.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tim. What's up, Dallas?

[Dedrick Flynn]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're gonna have a hoot nanny tonight. As you guys know. As you guys know, two of the best guests in the show's history. This bucket is filled with local Dallas comedians. We'll see how that goes. They have a lot of great. I do want to give a shout out. The great Randy Butler, the owner of all the hyenas comedy clubs, is here tonight. That guy was headlining me in Dallas 15 years ago, before I probably even had an hour of material. And we never forget it. And we did, I think fucking 12 or 18. Kill Tony's there before. Way before we could ever dream of being in a venue like this. So shout out to Randy here in Dallas. He runs all the hyenas. Make sure you support your local comedians. If I put one of these guys out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know the time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry. Wait, what's the gay part of Dallas? Oakland, all of it. Oak lock. Oak lock. Like a lock. Oak long. That makes sense. I could see how that would be. Wood long.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wood.

[Joe DeRosa]

I thought they were saying okra.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It could have been anything.

[Joe DeRosa]

Okra is big here in Dallas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Or else they bring out the crazy Oak Long Gay bear. There it is just for you that interrupts them. I conduct an interview. The whole thing's improvised, really. There's never been anything done like it in the history of fucking show business. Where a crazy person in a parking lot can sign up and be on one of the biggest shows in the world. Anything can happen. You guys know how it rocks. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Now, these things are tricky, right? Cause when you start a show like this out here in front of fucking 8,000 people in Dallas, Texas, you really want to get it started with a bang. So we're going to do that with one of our greatest regulars. You've been watching him now, how many of you watch every single week? You've been watching him do about two minutes or more every single week for the last few months. He's a fucking sensation. He was once considered the dark storm of Atlanta. Here to start tonight's show is the dark storm of Austin, Texas, to show you how standup's done. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Dedrick Flynn, everybody. Oh, man.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Guys, I feel so happy and free. I recently, through deep meditation, I ate an edible, and I was sitting alone in an airport. I realized something that set me free, and I want to bring this to Dallas, and hopefully y' all can understand where I'm coming from. I recently decided that I'm done pretending like I've ever forgiven anybody for anything. I'm done with that, Right? I'm sick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I lied.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I never forgave you. I still hate you as much as I did before. It's still on site, but now I get that energy back. And I wanna bring up one of my recent new beefs. My nephew. I took my nephew to go play laser tag for his birthday. I bought him and all of his friends laser tag. And it was like a 20 on 20, and it was like these other people out there. Now, mind you, I wanna say this. N is on my team. And so right before we go out and we run out, he gonna yell out, uncle Dedrick, you can hide, but you can't run. That's messy and that's trashy and that's unbecoming. Don't bring my knees. You know, don't tell the. I'm 35. I don't say disrespectful shit in front of company. Nigga, I didn't raise. I didn't bring up the fact that your mama was orange in middle school, all right? I didn't say that.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh.

[Dedrick Flynn]

You know your mama's nickname?

[William Montgomery]

Juggs.

[Dedrick Flynn]

She was real Fucking popular in middle and high school. Everybody know orange juggs. Y' all probably had some out here. How dare this? But I don't wanna talk too much. I don't wanna do too many mama jokes. Cause I know as a person, I can't handle mama jokes. That's how I learned how to fight. Cause you not finna, as a Southern boy. Don't ever talk about my mama. And I kept getting into fights, and my ma. And she said, dedrick, why do you keep fighting? I said, mama, they keep making fun of you. And she said, what are they saying, baby? I said, they keep calling you fat. And she said, baby, I am fat. I was like, don't ever talk about my O.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You lucky you.

[Dedrick Flynn]

My mama. I got it. I don't know if I should let it slide. It's a slippery slope. Thank y' all so much. That's my time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Deadpool Flat. Fuck, yeah. Adorable. Is your mom a little thick?

[Dedrick Flynn]

Not a little.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Don't you ever talk about your. I love that. I love it. I didn't get the orange. Why would the mom be orange?

[Dedrick Flynn]

Cause they had girls in the south, you just had them spray tans on, and it would turn they skin orange. And that's how you knew they was moving too fast when they was growing up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And black women would do that?

[Dedrick Flynn]

No, I grew up with everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah. But now this ain't my direct. In the south, whoever you grow up with, that's like, next to you if that's your mama like that. Like, we siblings like. So I got, like, white mamas, Filipino mamas, Thai. But they're all, like, redneck mommas. You gotta collect as many moms.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I got it. See, that's why I was confused. In the joke, I assumed that your nephew was your nephew and that it was black. And that when it's said you can hide, but you can't run, that you wanted to say your mama was so. But I pictured a black woman in a spray tan. I'm like, that never happens. No, but it would be hilarious.

[Dedrick Flynn]

My black nephews would never say nothing like that. Cause they'll know. Cause he found out. Cause I gun butted that nigga with the gun. The laser tag gun. And then I went later that night, and I ate all his toppings off his pizza. Oh, I'm gonna get my get back. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think if you're gonna have a white nephew in a joke, you should mention that it's white. It's not. Am I. Wait, it's still not white. I'm so confused.

[Stephen Taco]

So confused.

[Dedrick Flynn]

He's white.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The baby was white in that joke?

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah, the white. There was a white baby in there, but I didn't want to take. Cause if you say white baby, people go somewhere else.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, yeah. Why would you have a white nephew?

[Dedrick Flynn]

I got white nephew. I got all kind of. I shop good for best friends. So, like, these, like, they look good. So they meet good people, they make cut. Baby, I don't got no ugly nieces and nephews. Except for that one nigga that talked about my niece. I think that he gonna get arrested soon. I hope.

[Joe DeRosa]

Now, the one N word you're talking about, is he black or is he also white?

[Dedrick Flynn]

Well, see, I call all of my nieces and nephews nigga. Cause it start with N, makes it more confusing. No, they know who I'm talking to. You ain't been young in a long time, Joe Derosa.

[William Montgomery]

You wouldn't get in.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Hey, hey. This nigga is nobody niece nor nephew.

[Joe DeRosa]

Hold this. I was just about to compliment you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't care. I was just about to compliment you, but.

[Dedrick Flynn]

No, let's, please.

[Joe DeRosa]

I want to compliment you on being the blackest person ever to wear a Lord of the Rings shirt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. Where was Godo when the west wing pile? More like Lord of the Wings.

[Albert Moreno]

Yeah.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The chicken wings.

[Gil]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

The back says Legolas. I thought it said legless for diabetes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Stole that ring.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah, you got that from your AA meetings, Joe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is like if young dolphin Gandalf had a baby.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I like that. That's a really good one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I can't get over this nigga in the Buc EE's thing. Don't play no sound effects, White dad. What the fuck do you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do have white people in your family.

[Dedrick Flynn]

That's not blackface. You can't do that. Buc ee's uniform. I know you trying to secretly say nigga as a beaver, and I. Beaver nuggets. That's what he keep calling me. Call me Young Beaver nugget.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is make? What did make you wear a Lord of the Rings? Is that a jersey I love?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Well, also, I believe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you ask them when they're like, what color do you want? You're like, right here.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Chocolate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'll take arm color. Can you make it look like someone painted a Lord of the Rings jersey on me?

[Dedrick Flynn]

I want it painted on. I just love you. If you don't like Lord of the Rings. I don't know how you don't like that. It got everybody in there. They Got every. I love Lord of the Rings and Legolas. I like him. I like. I'm a. You know. Cause with that slingshot nigga, I'm just like. I'm just like Legolas just hitting Balrogs in the face. Gangster shit, you know, type shit. Tim Butterly, Roheem, on God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is there a Lord of the Rings character that black people fuck with especially. Yeah, Pants B. Baggins. How about that one? There you go. It's your Doritos joke of the night. Pants Be Baggins is good. I don't care what anybody says. Anybody ever tells you Tony's not funny? Show them that clip right there. Is there a black character? You really did set me up for that one.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Is there a black character that the people with the ring.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, he's getting defensive. Is that supposed to be me?

[Dedrick Flynn]

I was helping. I wasn't even trying to voice. Yeah, but that's how you sounded when you said that to me as my friend in front of these 8,000.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you talk to me like a white boy. Like, did you. You like that?

[Dedrick Flynn]

Y' all sound like Soft Uncle Lazy.

[Colt McNeely]

Do you like.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I'm blacker than that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do they have a black Harry Potter, too? Like, yeah, they do. Scary Potter.

[Dedrick Flynn]

They make him black. They make. They make a Professor Snape black in the new one. I kept auditioning for it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The one bad guy everyone drops out of the school. They hold their wands sideways. They do drive bys on fucking broomstick. All right, Dedrick, you got the show started. We gotta get to this bucket. It has begun. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Kiltoni Dallas. That's Dedrick Flynn. And now to the bucket we go. This is where everything gets very interesting. I can almost guarantee you none of these people have performed in front of a crowd this size before. The pressure gets to them. Anything can happen. Or maybe they shine. Anything can happen. Your first bucket pool of the night goes by the name of Jefe. One word name, Jefe. Ladies and gentlemen, here we.

[Jefe]

Thank you. I went to Vegas to see my grandpa, who I hadn't seen in 10 years. And to describe him, he's been married six times, and five of them were named Barbara. So we called his sixth wife Barbara. 2. I'm rolling a blunt, and my grandpa actually asked to hit it. And I was like, grandpa, I thought you only hit Barbara's. So he takes a hit and he's quiet for like 25 minutes. And then he turns and tells me three things. He says, jeff, I mean, Jefe, I love pussy. I love to taste it, smell it, wear it. Black, white, terrorist, Asian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it all.

[Jefe]

Second thing he told me was, and I don't know why he brought this up, I didn't hate Obama because he was black. I hated him cause he was Muslim. I was like, okay, okay, what else? And he goes, I'm so proud of you. The man who raised you was a great father figure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Jefe, over the time. Minute, 18 seconds from jefe. Hi, Jefe.

[Jefe]

Hey. Hey, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, cool. Hey, how long you been doing stand up, dude?

[Jefe]

Longer than that bullshit said. Can I finish that real quick for you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You think it's gonna help?

[Jefe]

I promise.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Finish it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't recommend it, but go ahead and finish it.

[Jefe]

All right. So he says, the guy who raised you was great. When did your parents tell you you were adopted? And I grabbed that joint from him and I hit it, and I was like, just fucking now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, there you go. All right, back to it. Oh, no. See, you wouldn't have gotten that if you would have trusted me. They never learned. I've kind of been on. I've been on this show.

[Jefe]

You know what? You're right. I apologize. Shoot me out back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's okay. All right, Jefe, you don't need to go straight to suicide. Even though clearly your barber decided to. Let's check in with Joe Derosa.

[Scott Ramos]

His name.

[Joe DeRosa]

It's Jefe.

[Gil]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

I thought you said it was cafe.

[Stephen Taco]

It could be.

[Joe DeRosa]

I was like, he looks like the whole damn restaurant.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you, Dedrick's nephew?

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, I'm one of Dedrick's nephew.

[Jefe]

I did have a Lord of the Rings shirt, and I think some guy took it too, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, well, it's another one of those wacky Jefe jokes. Everybody. Jefe, how long have you been a bouncer at a hookah bar? What do you do for work? Cafe?

[Jefe]

I'm an artist first.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, what kind of artist?

[Jefe]

Anything. Painting, graphic design. I run a printing business. It's pretty fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you make money doing art?

[Jefe]

Surprisingly, yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How much money do you make doing art?

[Jefe]

Not enough to dress properly, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, but. But how do you make a living, Jefe?

[Jefe]

I own a printing business. It does. Good.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Okay.

[Jefe]

Not enough to live here in Austin, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're not in Austin right now. Boy, oh, boy.

[Jefe]

Oh, God, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, there it is. Jefe, do you live in Dall?

[Jefe]

No, I live in the titty of Texas. Wichita Falls.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wichita Falls.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

More boos. Oh, my goodness.

[Joe DeRosa]

Jesus Christ, Jefe, take it from me. These will boo You.

[Jefe]

If they knew my parents, they would understand too. It's fine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But what?

[Dedrick Flynn]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Jefe. Give them a redeeming quality about you that'll make them like you. Tell Dallas why they might like you.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Hefe.

[Jefe]

They shouldn't. It's cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. There he goes. Jefe, everybody. Great. Great stuff, Jefe. Great stuff.

[Jefe]

It was all good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I tried my best with you, believe it or not.

[Jefe]

I mean, I really am an artist. Dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I believe you, pal. I believe you. He looks like a conformist. How long have you done stand up?

[Jefe]

I'd say three years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You'd say three years?

[Jefe]

Yeah, like seriously, three.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, again. Is there anything about your life? Any fun facts about you? Do you have any special skills?

[Jefe]

I'm an ex. Florida man. I mean, that. Probably, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you lived in Florida?

[Dedrick Flynn]

I did, but.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But what does that mean? You were just born in Florida. You didn't do anything?

[Jefe]

I traveled around a lot. I was a military kid and I got stuck in Florida because I made bad choices.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were a military kid, but you weren't in the military?

[Jefe]

I was at one point.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This sounds like stolen valor. I'm pretty sure it's our first ever live stolen valor. Well, I was in the military. I was. I wouldn't say I was in the military, but I was in the military. What'd you do, Jefe, in the military?

[Jefe]

Finance.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, perfect. Great. We all love how our military budgets have been going.

[Jefe]

I wasn't responsible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know, jefe. Trust me, I know. I'm pretty sure that isn't the haircut they make you get when you're in charge of finance of the United States military. Joe derosa.

[Joe DeRosa]

No, I was just gonna say this is how I picture a financial expert dressed. Glitter sandals and cargo shorts.

[Jefe]

Dorothy 3000.

[Lawton Parnell]

Awesome.

[Joe DeRosa]

I like that you sunk all the wardrobe money into the shoes.

[Jefe]

They're the most.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jefe, open up that pocket. I'm gonna try to make this in that little. It's a very long shot, but that'll count. Count it, count it, count it. There he goes, Jefe. Ladies and gentlemen. Flipping off, flipping off the crowd and then telling them that they love that he loves them. Nothing better than the flip off. I love you. Oh, my God. The crowd goes wild. It is indeed the lovely Heidi and Val. Everybody. Boing oi, oing, oing. Abba di Abba. You know when your business communications feel like a burner phone and a prayer, Missed calls, unread text follow ups eventually just hit that wall where you're like, alright, I'm done. Let's fucking Quo. That's why today's episode is brought to you by Quo, spelled Q U O. The business communication system built. No, we're talking about Quo. Never miss a call. That's right. Get outta here. You got a quo. QO is built for how modern teams work. It isn't just a phone system. It's a smart one. Quo's AI can automatically log calls, generate summaries, and flag next steps so that nothing falls through the cracks. It can qualify leads and respond after hours, too. Keeping business on while you're off. Hey, buddy, you got a quo. Quo works wherever you are, right?

[Joe DeRosa]

From your phone or computer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your entire team can handle calls and texts from one shared number. So everyone sees the full thread, Replies are faster, and customers actually feel taken care of.

[Jefe]

Like.

[Joe DeRosa]

Like that guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Over 90,000 businesses, from solo operators like that guy to growing teams already rely on. And as the number one rated business phone system on G2, it's clear why money is on the line. Always say hello with quo. Try quo for free. Plus get 20% off your first six months when you go to quo.com. kill Tony. That's qu-uo.com killtony. All right, you guys get it. We're onto our second bucket poll. Anything can happen. Make some noise for Lawton Parnell. Lawton Parnell, everybody.

[Lawton Parnell]

Hey, what's up, guys? So I'm broke. I live with a roommate, and I came home the other day and it sounded like my roommate and his girlfriend were having sex. I was like, nice, I can jerk off to this, you know? Yeah. Turns out they weren't having sex and she was just crying.

[Aya]

Yeah.

[Lawton Parnell]

I was like, all right, I can jerk off of this. Hey, I'm a sick fuck, guys. Sick fuck. It's sweet to be here, though. I posted on Facebook today I was coming up to do some standup, and my childhood babysitter, they commented. They're like, well, and you do stand up. That's so cool. When I was a kid, I wanted to do standup. I was like, no, shit. When I was a kid, I want to fuck my babysitter. He's not my friend on Facebook anymore. Final nail in that coffin. Anybody know what I'm talking about?

[Tomek Kolecki]

Huh?

[Lawton Parnell]

Anybody ever get so depressed tonight, instead of brushing your teeth before you go to bed, you just reach into the fridge and grab a slice of ham

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

and you're like, fuck it.

[Lawton Parnell]

That's good enough.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, I'll take it.

[Jefe]

Yeah.

[Lawton Parnell]

That's where I'm at, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck yes. Lawton Parnell with his Kill Tony debut. Lawton, how you doing? How long you been doing standup? You're fucking hilarious.

[Lawton Parnell]

Hey, thanks, Tony. Ten years or so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. All of it here in Dallas? No, not at all.

[Lawton Parnell]

I'm from West Virginia.

[Colt McNeely]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What made you come here for that? For this?

[Lawton Parnell]

Just for this. I flew in yesterday and came here and flying out tomorrow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. You came in, signed up with everybody. You could have just as easily not gotten pulled. Nothing could have happened.

[Lawton Parnell]

I can stay till Thursday if Red Bay wants me on the Secret Show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I would love to have you

[Dedrick Flynn]

on the Secret Show.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Look at that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Lots of. Stick around for a second. I gotta know more about you, man.

[Lawton Parnell]

It's fun. Thanks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're born and raised in West Virginia?

[Lawton Parnell]

I wasn't born there, but, yeah, pretty much raised.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for work?

[Lawton Parnell]

I am a research commercial real estate appraiser. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Lawton Parnell]

Fun stuff. Fun stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. And you got a flight here. Was it Southwest?

[Lawton Parnell]

It was American, actually.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How was tsa?

[Gil]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go America.

[Lawton Parnell]

Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Were the airports normal?

[Lawton Parnell]

Yeah, TSA out of Pittsburgh was fine. They did have some ice people, but they were just chill. They were cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perfect. Hell, yeah. To you. To you there. To you. Their favorite customer. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Lawton Parnell]

Like, let's see. To me, like, nope.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did they try to hand you a job application?

[Lawton Parnell]

I thought you said hand job. At first I got really excited.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That would be cool if they did that to pure American white people.

[Jefe]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's like they did the reverse for true citizens. They're like, get over here, you fucking. You fucking squawking eagle, you. Who's a good American boy?

[Lawton Parnell]

I'd quit my appraiser job for that for sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. Locked. And tell us more. What's the most West Virginia thing about you? You have, like, a dip of tobacco in your cheek that we don't know about right now.

[Lawton Parnell]

I just smoke cigs. I don't do tobacco.

[Scott Ramos]

Nice.

[Lawton Parnell]

I smoke cigs. I had a job in college and I was installing people's security systems so they'd send me to random people's houses and install their security system. And one time I got propositioned by this really big fat lady and a man named Robert E. Lee. It was his real name. Yeah, it was really cool. He said he was legally declared dead in the state of Maryland. So I was like, this guy's my man, you know? And I started installing their security system. And I noticed in their bathroom I had a piss. And they had, like, a TV just running porn.

[Scott Ramos]

Like Non.

[Lawton Parnell]

It was just a porn tv.

[Scott Ramos]

And.

[Lawton Parnell]

Yeah, yeah, you remember like those. And they.

[Jefe]

I asked.

[Lawton Parnell]

I didn't ask them. They're like, you saw our porno, right? I was like, yeah. And I asked. They. They were like, remember those? Like Cinemax when, like, they would just give you like a free. Like they said if they change the channel, then they'd lose their porn subscription. So that was their bathroom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Porn tv.

[Lawton Parnell]

Yeah, Yeah. I got one now, too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, Love that.

[Lawton Parnell]

Yeah, thanks. This is crazy. This is awesome. Thanks, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, of course. Show to Rosa, dude.

[Lawton Parnell]

What's up, Joe?

[Joe DeRosa]

It's Lachlan.

[Lawton Parnell]

Lawton.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Lawton.

[Lawton Parnell]

Like, I guess a town in Oklahoma. I don't know.

[Joe DeRosa]

I want to compliment you, man, because you're hilarious.

[Lawton Parnell]

Number one. Oh, yeah. Appreciate it.

[Joe DeRosa]

Number two. I really mean this, man. A lot of comics come on stage, dress like Stonery, like the way you're dressed right now. You know what I mean? And honestly, a lot of times. Cause they just don't give a fuck you're dressed. It matches your Persona, it matches your humor. The whole character's there. I'm not saying you're playing a character, but you know what I'm saying? You're representing yourself visually and comedically, and the whole package is there, man. You're doing it.

[Lawton Parnell]

I'll tell you, you're doing it, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're doing it right. Cher, you do have a good look. It is like if one of the south park kids smoked a lot of cigarettes.

[Albert Moreno]

I do smoke cigarettes.

[Lawton Parnell]

I'm eyeballing Joe's cigs right now, but they're mixed conspiracy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're killing it. I'll take one lock. And Parnell's just about to get rid of him now. You're going to have the poor kid smoking a cigarette. Patches here, it's. You're going to cause a fire hazard.

[Joe DeRosa]

Now throw those back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go.

[Joe DeRosa]

Smoke that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go.

[Joe DeRosa]

All right. You're funny, but not that funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Law and Parnell, you did the job. Everything was amazing. Absolutely incredible. Perfect bucket, perfect pool. Representing West Virginia here in Dallas. An incredible showing. I have a comedian that's from Dallas, ladies and gentlemen. That is your next comedian. We dragged her up here with us from Austin, Texas, where she is considered one of the top young rising comedians in the world. I've had her open up for me in Dallas a few times over the last five years. Someone that is. It was a door guy at the mothership. And now is the full time opener and feature act for Ari Matty, ladies and gentlemen. She is Dallas's own Liz Flat. Ladies and gentlemen.

[William Montgomery]

What is up, Dallas, Texas?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Guys, When I was younger, my mom sent me to fat camp.

[Ashley Ann Knox]

Really sucks.

[William Montgomery]

Cause, like, I've always been like this size. Like, I've always looked like this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So I'm not like, fat camp fat, you know, Like, I'm like.

[William Montgomery]

You know, these kids at fat camp,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

they're like, fucking, like, fucking fat.

[William Montgomery]

They're, like, about to lose a foot fat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And me, I'm like.

[William Montgomery]

I'm like, fuck black guys fat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, I'm like a cool fat. I'm like a healthy fat.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I'm a good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm like an avocado.

[William Montgomery]

So, you know, sending me to fat camp, it was kind of fucked up

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

that she did that.

[Ashley Ann Knox]

It's like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's like, what the hell was that about? But then at the same time, sending a girl like me to fat camp, like. Like, I'm kind of the hot bitch at fat camp.

[William Montgomery]

You know what I'm saying? Like, I was running that shit. I had all these chubby dudes on their fucking knees. They're like, oh, sugar free Oreo for you, my petite pre princess for you. Look malnourished this evening. I think I gained weight at fat camp.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Honestly, I was prison rich. I had everything they wanted in prison. The Twinks rule.

[William Montgomery]

I was the twinkie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, that's my minute. Fuck yeah, Liz Flat. Hilarious. Hell yeah. Tony, the whole crowd was with you when you said that you are fuck a black guy fast. That's just who I am at the

[Dedrick Flynn]

end of the day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is true. I'm really excited to be here. I'm excited to be back home. Good feeling. You are the first comedian of the night that is from Dallas, Texas. Tell these people. What part of Dallas are you from?

[William Montgomery]

I'm from East Dallas. Lakewood.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, shit.

[William Montgomery]

Oh, I went to hot school in Oak Cliff, bitch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know you guys can't see the crowd, but a lot of poor fat people are going wild. And the rich people are laughing, the rich people are laughing. So whatever part of the neighborhood that is, it's not so good. Well, I'm from both parts. The poor side and the.

[William Montgomery]

I said two sides.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So I grew up in the rich side and then I fucked guys from the poor side. So that's kind of heck, yeah. But, Tony, I gotta be real. I'm here for one reason. I'm here for some real shit. I'm about to take somebody's job in this show. Oh, shit.

[William Montgomery]

I'm here to take some regular ship in this bitch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, shit.

[William Montgomery]

I'm here to take that fat busted Heidi's job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, shit.

[William Montgomery]

Get that fat busted, bitch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[William Montgomery]

I could do I get her out of here. It's like lift that heavyweight, Valerie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a cat ver. It's a cat versus a pig.

[William Montgomery]

Seriously, I could do that job better than her any day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Gil]

Whoa.

[William Montgomery]

I will.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Whoa.

[William Montgomery]

What the is this? What the is this?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[William Montgomery]

She's not shaking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's. There's a whole ass there shaking.

[William Montgomery]

Shit. Give me this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She has an ass you're just made of. Wait a second. What's happening here?

[Gil]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, God. Oh, wow. What's happening? Oh, shit. What is happening? Oh, no. She's wiping poop. Oh, my God.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Our black viewership just skyrocketed. Oh, my God. You can Heidi, but you can't run.

[Joe DeRosa]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

This.

[Jefe]

I'm out.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Liz Slat. Obviously a future roller derby goddess. And how about one more time for Heidi?

[Dedrick Flynn]

That.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's the first time I've ever had a hard on fighting against itself.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is incredible. That is the opposite of whatever Viagra does, I'll tell you that. Oh, my God. That do anything for you. D mad is like, I'm hot and I don't know why.

[William Montgomery]

Smell it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the hell's that smell?

[Dedrick Flynn]

I don't know. What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like it. I didn't know there was a SeaWorld in Dallas. You guys having fun out there? Back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, anything can happen. Make some noise for Marco Garcia, everyone. Marco Garcia, right out of the bucket.

[Marco Garcia]

How we doing? Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Y' all good?

[Marco Garcia]

Hell, yeah.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I'm.

[Marco Garcia]

I'm bad with money. I'm real bad with money. I'm so bad with money. It's fucking on my Instagram ads like I'll be scrolling. It's like some girl dancing. Nice tits. Are you worth so many? $10,000 of credit card debt. How do they know? They've been talking to the people at Chase.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm fucked.

[Marco Garcia]

But this debt's not following me to Mexico, so I'm gonna be okay. I'm gonna be all right. I'm real bad with money. I'm so bad with money. I went to the therapist office the other day. Couldn't pay this bitch man in black Meat Pew. She said, your parents don't love you. And she kicked me out of her office. But that is the way I came in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So that's fair.

[William Montgomery]

That's fair.

[Marco Garcia]

I went to the bar, couldn't pay. They took me to the back. They waterboarded me with Pedialyte. It was crazy.

[Martin Phillips]

The.

[Marco Garcia]

The lengths they'll go to to make sure you leave sober.

[William Montgomery]

Fuck it.

[Marco Garcia]

I went to my Fentanyl dealer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, that's all your time. Marco Garcia. Welcome, Marco. How long have you been doing stand up? I just hit two years, three years.

[Colt McNeely]

Two years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Two years.

[Marco Garcia]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. What do you do for work?

[Marco Garcia]

I'm currently unemployed, but when I work, I'm a lifeguard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're a lifeguard?

[Timmy No Breaks]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Marco Garcia]

I'm naturally buoyant. I'm a better lifeguard than these with abs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No way, dude. You have the blood on your hands. Oh, my God.

[Joe DeRosa]

You're the first lifeguard that makes the kids drown even more.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Hey, kid, hold me. Throw me that raft. Coming in.

[Scott Ramos]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are not built like a lifeguard.

[Marco Garcia]

I've heard that. I've heard that before. I've heard that before.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy shit. And how long have you. What do you call. What do your people call that? A man torta attached.

[Marco Garcia]

Yeah, I know. I hate it because people. Like, on the way here, some guy stopped me and he's like, wow, you look like Maui. And I was like. Like the Disney character. He was like, no, everybody on the island, that's that me up. Because that's the fattest island, man. That's fucked up. I didn't appreciate that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, well, he would be a great guy to watch run in slow motion on the beach.

[Scott Ramos]

Yeah,

[Marco Garcia]

that'd be a heavy commercial, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A lot to take in.

[Stephen Taco]

Yeah.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you been lifeguarding for?

[Marco Garcia]

This was my second year lifeguarding.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Second year of lifeguarding. Did you save anyone?

[Timmy No Breaks]

Yeah.

[Marco Garcia]

Yeah, actually, I. I saved only black people.

[Aya]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many black people did you save and can you do less of a job next time?

[Marco Garcia]

I only saved two. I work in the hood, so, yeah, that's all I save, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you mean you work in the hood? Like a black neighborhood?

[Marco Garcia]

Yeah, like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you're doing the hardest lifeguarding in the world.

[Joe DeRosa]

What fire hydrant do you. Lifeguard.

[Marco Garcia]

They needed Lifeguard xl, man. They got me. They needed Lifeguard plus and they called me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, this is incredible. Now, were any of them full grown adults.

[Marco Garcia]

Say it again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Were the blacks that you were saving from the waters full grown adults or were they children?

[Marco Garcia]

The black people I saved, one of them was a black woman. Full grown adult. But the other one was a child.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, now, how close was the fully grown woman to dying? Do you Think, think.

[Marco Garcia]

She was fucking really close.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you have to do mouth to mouth or anything?

[Marco Garcia]

I didn't. Obviously I don't go down for that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But wait, what exactly does that mean? Is it like when a woman gets arrested and you have a female cop pat her down? Do you have like a black person that's just there to give mouth to mouth, perhaps?

[Marco Garcia]

No, somebody just got there first. Then I was like, ah, they got her.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Okay.

[Stephen Taco]

Yeah.

[Marco Garcia]

But no, the lady, she. She came up to me probably like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait a second, hold that thought. When you say someone else got there first, are you talking about the person that actually saved her?

[Marco Garcia]

No, I'm talking about mouth to mouth. Fuck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So how did this go down? You're in a pool.

[Marco Garcia]

I'm in a pool and there's two. Two sides to the pool. And then at one point, I'm in the shallow end.

[R]

Of course.

[Marco Garcia]

No, no, fuck you. I get over to the deep end too. But I was in the shallow end and she came up to me and she was like, hey, if I go down the slide, you'll save me, right? And I'm like, I'm on the shallow end. The slides on the deep end. Why would I. That is my job. But if you can't swim, don't go. And then she went and asked the other lifeguard the exact same thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And so how. But you. So you didn't save her?

[Marco Garcia]

No. So, okay, so then she.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Every time you try to explain more how you saved her, it seems more and more like she's on the other end of a pool with the actual lifeguard that saves people's lives.

[Marco Garcia]

She somehow got up the stairs and she went down the slide. And when she started drowning, the other lifeguard went in and he whistled and I went in and we both got her out and then he gave her mouth to mouth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Would you say it was exactly 50, 50, you and the other lifeguard?

[Marco Garcia]

I'd say three, four, three fifths, maybe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Marco, give it. Give us another fun fact of your life. Pretty good.

[Joe DeRosa]

That was really.

[Marco Garcia]

Yeah, you set that one up, man. That was not me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What else would we find interesting about your life, Marco? Are you from Dallas?

[Marco Garcia]

Yeah, I'm born and raised right here in Dallas. Oak Cliff?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, sir, that's my home. Oak Cliff looks like a poor part.

[Marco Garcia]

A couple. Couple ones. The ones in the really high raptors are from Dallas.

[Gil]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Marco, anything else crazy we should know about you before getting you out of here?

[Marco Garcia]

I did comedy a strip club once and there wasn't any strippers. I Was very disappointed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's because you were there.

[Marco Garcia]

No one wants to see me with my clothes left. Let's not lie about that, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Marco, I think you talk a little fast. Maybe it's just how big this venue is. You got to slow it down a little bit so that people understand you. I didn't know what you were saying during the Instagram ad read thing. There's a medium sized joke book for a very large man. Marco Garcia, everybody. Let's keep it moving right along here because I pulled my what appears to be another Latino from Dallas name out of the bucket. Make some noise for your next comedian, everybody. It is Albert Moreno, everyone. Here we go. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Albert Moreno.

[Albert Moreno]

Hey, how the fuck y' all doing tonight? Y' all having a good night so far? So I grew up with a very religious family. Like, any time that I would see a shooting star, my family would always tell me that it's someone being cast out of heaven. Yeah, you could have just lied. You know, I don't know what a child is supposed to do with that information. Like, you know, anytime that a normal person would see a shooting star, that would just be like, that was beautiful. Make a wish. Anytime that I would see a shooting star, I would just be like, damn, another priest. Yeah. I didn't grow up, like, I'm very bad at being a Mexican. I don't speak a lot of Spanish, and I get called a white boy a lot by my family for that. I don't think that's the widest thing about me, though. I think the widest thing about me is that I go to therapy. Yeah. I don't know if y' all know this about Mexicans, but they don't go to therapy. They go to church drunk. Like, if my grandma found out that I was going to therapy, she'd probably be like, oh, my God, mijo, I didn't know you're gay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. Albert Moreno. Great stuff. Albert, how long you been doing standup?

[Albert Moreno]

Two and a half years. Nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All of it here in Dallas.

[Albert Moreno]

Mostly footwork.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'll explain.

[Albert Moreno]

I come from a small town. I'm from Minerals. It's like, that's never.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How small is it? If the whole crowd goes wild, that

[Albert Moreno]

town has only ever got a pop for crackheads, so I don't really know

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

that's our target audience.

[Albert Moreno]

It's a very small town. It's like, maybe 40 minutes west of Fort Worth. So my drive has always been like 40 minutes to an hour. So I've just always gone to Fort Worth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Albert Moreno]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like the hyenas there?

[Albert Moreno]

Yeah, I started at hyenas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Aya]

Awesome.

[Jefe]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's fantastic. What do you do for work, Albert?

[Albert Moreno]

I just got fired about a month ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got fired?

[R]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What'd you get fired from?

[Albert Moreno]

Hell, yeah. I got fired from Amazon for speeding violations.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, in the truck? In the actual Amazon electric vans?

[Albert Moreno]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

Wow.

[Albert Moreno]

Now, I was new.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Were you getting pulled over by the police or.

[Albert Moreno]

No, it's just they have, they have diagnostics inside of their van so they know when you're speeding. So if you go, if you go over the speed limit for like three seconds, that's when you get flagged.

[Scott Ramos]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's incredible.

[Albert Moreno]

So I, I had been working at another job for 14 years and I had moved. I'd moved to Fort Worth, so I was trying to find another job, and Amazon was a job I landed on, so it was just a new job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what are you going to do now?

[Albert Moreno]

I got another job at Amazon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Albert Moreno]

So the one that I started at was further away. The one I'm at now is 10 minutes away. So my first day is Tuesday, actually.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, look at that. Is it fake ID from fake id? Is that how you're getting the same job from Amazon?

[Albert Moreno]

Do you mean a green card or whatever?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Albert, how legal is your family?

[Albert Moreno]

So most of my family's from Interweiled, My grandma, They're all from Mexico, of course, but most of my family is from Interwells.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Or do you live with them?

[Albert Moreno]

No, not anymore.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have your own place?

[Albert Moreno]

Yeah, I live with one of my best friends.

[Lawton Parnell]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And did they do comedy as well?

[Albert Moreno]

No, he's been around the open mics. He's friends with all my buddies, but he doesn't do comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does he do?

[Albert Moreno]

He works for, like a small company in Weatherford. They.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you guys have a two bedroom?

[Albert Moreno]

It's a three bedroom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three bedroom. What goes on in that other bedroom?

[Albert Moreno]

I can't say personally.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here?

[Albert Moreno]

Yeah, it's an empty room.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[R]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And how many bathrooms?

[Albert Moreno]

Two.

[Colt McNeely]

All right.

[Albert Moreno]

Yeah, yeah, we got, we got our own size of the house. You know, you don't hear me beating off or nothing, right?

[Timmy No Breaks]

Yeah. Perfect.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely incredible. Joe Derosa.

[Joe DeRosa]

Dude, I'm. I was very impressed. You said two and a half years.

[Martin Phillips]

You said.

[Joe DeRosa]

I was very impressed. You're funny, man.

[Albert Moreno]

You're really. I love you guys.

[Joe DeRosa]

I really, I really appreciated that. Even when the meow happened, you didn't panic. You took your time. You finished the joke, man. Like, you you got the rhythm. You know what you're doing, man.

[Albert Moreno]

Thank you.

[Joe DeRosa]

Good shit, dude. Really good shit. And when this comes out, you're gonna get fired from that other Amazon.

[Jefe]

I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I know.

[Albert Moreno]

I'm so fucked. Really?

[Joe DeRosa]

Just aired all your dirty laundry.

[Albert Moreno]

I'm gonna enjoy those two weeks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's another fun fact about Albert Moreno that the world would find interesting?

[Albert Moreno]

So my joke about my church is real. It's not a very common thing. I was born and raised in, like, a Spanish doomsday church.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[R]

Yeah.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Spanish doomsday. So what could one expect to see at a Spanish doomsday church?

[Albert Moreno]

Well, it was a very small congregation. To this day, it's, like, just two families. And, like, my family still win it. Oh, this sucks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is a cult.

[Albert Moreno]

They're, like, laughing at my family right now. My mom and dad are still witness. So it was very awkward for me. I didn't leave my church until I was 23.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow.

[Albert Moreno]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Albert Moreno]

And it was very hard because growing up, I felt like I was the outcast in my family because all my cousins weren't really into the church, and I was, and I didn't leave Till I was 23. And I took a lot of pride in staying in my church for so long and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's Tim Butterly.

[Jefe]

What?

[Scott Ramos]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was something that tipped you off that it was, like, maybe time to go?

[Albert Moreno]

I. I listened to a podcast I shouldn't have heard, but I don't think my church was ever prepared for people to have podcasts, so.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Right.

[Albert Moreno]

You know, they weren't ready for the Internet, basically.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Neither was Bill Cosby.

[Albert Moreno]

This is true. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He never could have guessed that everybody would be interconnected that can possibly talk about something as insane as what he did.

[R]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Can you just give us one tidbit of what, like, made it a doomsday church? Like, what would a sermon be about?

[Albert Moreno]

Like, okay, so, like, my church didn't have, like, that certain section for kids. There was never anything for kids. It was all about the end of the world, pretty much. And it was about what, the end of the world?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. The end of the world.

[Albert Moreno]

Okay.

[Lawton Parnell]

So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And how did the Spanish think that the end of the world happens? What happens at the end of.

[Stephen Taco]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Everything. Does every food article and every car turn into the Virgin Mary or something like that?

[Joe DeRosa]

I think it was probably. They were just like, stay away from Minneapolis in 20.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Maybe they were right.

[Albert Moreno]

Well, you know, I spent my whole life being warned about the end of the world. Like, I wish somebody had Warned me about my uncle, you know.

[Joe DeRosa]

When did they say the end was coming?

[Albert Moreno]

I think at the time I left my church when I was 23. So that was about 10 years ago. 2017. 2018. So the guy, he was our main preacher. He did it live. So we watched him from Mineral Wells. He's in Puerto Rico. Everyone that listens to my church listens to it live. Do you see where I'm going with this?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The leader of the Doomsday Church is in Puerto Rico. Well, there you go. Yeah, looks like I was right about that one.

[Colt McNeely]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Albert Moreno. Great set, great interview, Very compelling, very funny. I love that you got out of the church and you're living your dreams, buddy. There he goes, the very funny Albert Moreno. Hey, we have another fun guy from Dallas, Texas, who's part of our crew and has been for years. He won a golden ticket, I think, six, seven years ago here at a hyenas comedy club in Dallas, Texas. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. For part of the Kiltoni production crew and a comedian out of Austin, Texas, this is Colt McNeely from Dallas, Texas, everybody.

[Colt McNeely]

My God, how are you guys? It's so good to be here. Oh, yeah, My name, as he said, is Colt. It's actually Colton. Yeah, in my mid-20s. I shorten it up, you know, a little bit easier to say, I think, when I'm an old man. I'm just gonna go by. Thank you. You know, I like movies. You know, I saw that movie holes with Shia LaBeouf and I thank you. I saw. They're remaking it. It's going to have an all female cast.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's up with that? It's crazy.

[Colt McNeely]

It's true. What are they going to call it? Even better, Holes. I mean. Oh, man, I love the news. The blacks and the gays, they don't get along. It's not my opinion. It's just what they say, you know? I get it, though. You know, Imagine having both dads walk out on you. Thank you guys so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Colt McNeely, Dallas, Texas. What part of Dallas are you from? Tell these people.

[Colt McNeely]

Oh, I'm from Allen, Texas. Let's go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Churning the butter over there.

[Colt McNeely]

I am, man.

[Timmy No Breaks]

I'm happy.

[Colt McNeely]

Happy to be here. Tony.

[Scott Ramos]

Yes.

[Colt McNeely]

My brother's here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Colt McNeely]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Colt McNeely]

Oh, man. Tony, it's been crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, tell us about it.

[Gil]

Cole.

[Colt McNeely]

Yeah, My buddy's. My buddy's dad just had a stroke.

[Scott Ramos]

Huh?

[Colt McNeely]

I know.

[Joe DeRosa]

He.

[Colt McNeely]

He was telling me about. It's really sad, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh?

[Colt McNeely]

Yeah. He said he had to spend all day at the stroke center. And I was like, that sounds like a great time. What's next? The reverse gorilla grip center? Count me in, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you're just on fire right now.

[Colt McNeely]

I'm happy to be here. Goodness.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What else is going on?

[Colt McNeely]

Oh, man. You know, I've been looking at all these first ladies, these presidents have, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uh huh. Yeah, what about them?

[Colt McNeely]

You know, Melania Trump's our first lady, and I was looking at all the old first ladies, and I think Melania might be the first lady. Have you guys thought about that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is a good point. Dallas Jackson, this.

[Colt McNeely]

I got to tell you, Tony, I got to tell.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, what do you got to tell me now?

[Colt McNeely]

I got to tell you, Tony, you know we live in Austin, Texas. Yes, but my home is Dallas, Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow, look at that. Way to get the crowd that you already had on your side back on your people. Oh, my goodness. What are you, the doomsday preacher? Jesus Christ guest? Oh, incredible. Didn't Heidi bring you out here to clean up the spill earlier? Was that you, you little mop stick? All right, what else is going on, Colt?

[Colt McNeely]

Oh, not much, Tony. You know, just been.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You ran out of things that you gotta tell me?

[Colt McNeely]

Oh, I told you everything. I had to tell.

[Scott Ramos]

Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I gotta tell you. I gotta tell you, Tony.

[Colt McNeely]

Oh, man, Tony, I do have to tell you. We just started selling these Kill Tony fingerboards on the website.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No one cares about the fingerboards. Yes, they do.

[Colt McNeely]

Dallas, Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. All right, Colt, anything else? Do you have any tricks up your sleeve for a fun fact? I don't know if you guys have been watching the show long enough, but Colt is one of the greatest yo yoers in the world. And he also, famously, is one of the youngest ever. What is it? Kung fu? Taekwondo, Black belt.

[Colt McNeely]

Oh, man, I'm a fourth degree black belt in taekwondo. But I do got to tell you, Tony, I. I've been working with you for like six years now. Met at hyenas comedy club, and I haven't been kicking since I've been working for you. So I can't kick, but God damn, I can. Yo yo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, do a little yo yoing for us.

[Colt McNeely]

I don't know if they want to even see it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Give me some yo yo music. John screaming. Oh, yeah. Oh, we've hit a new low, ladies and gentlemen. Right when you think I love it. This is the part where you have to explain to your girlfriend the show that you brought her to everyone. No, I swear, it's cool. It's funny, honey. It's like a tampon. That's amazing.

[Stephen Taco]

Wow.

[Gil]

Cold.

[Colt McNeely]

Dallas, Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on, Tony.

[Colt McNeely]

Thank you so much for having me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My God, there he goes. Colt McNeely. Back to put a headset on and continue working. He actually works for the show. Fun fact. He is the guy that takes the piece of paper, wrangles the person, and brings them to the back of the stage. That's Colt from Dallas, Texas, which, you know what? I want to give a shout out real quick. We have a friend visiting. The son of the late, great Chuck Norris is here somewhere. Can we make some fucking noise for Texas own Chuck Norris? He's out here somewhere enjoying himself, trying to take his mind off it. Your dad was the fucking man. How about, how loud can this place get for Chuck Norris? Goddamn right he's out here somewhere. All right, back to the show we go. And back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for Ashley and Knox, everybody. Ashley Ann Knox.

[Ashley Ann Knox]

Oh, what's up, Dallas? What's up?

[Jefe]

So

[Ashley Ann Knox]

I look like it. I'm sure. I do have historically terrible taste in men. Like, my dating history looks a lot like the foreplay. Probably should have came with a background check. I am painfully attracted to men that look like they need a caseworker or have one already. So needless to say, I am a single mom. Yeah. Take note, gentlemen. My son just turned 14 recently and he's hit the whole puberty stage. He started to talk to me like I ruined his credit score. Like, I used to rock this giant man child back and forth to go to sleep, and now I just rock back and forth. After reading his Google search history,

[Aya]

he

[Ashley Ann Knox]

started talking to girls too, recently. Yeah. Hell yeah. So needless to say, I did have to put the. I had to put the bark notifications on his phone. I'm sorry. You gotta do it. Somebody's gotta check their phones. I had to do it. I had to do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ashley and Knox.

[Ashley Ann Knox]

You got me. I did not make it through that. It's okay, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ashley, welcome to the show. How are you?

[Ashley Ann Knox]

I'm just looking around at the. I mean, I'm sitting inside and I kept looking around going, please don't call me Holy.

[Aya]

This is a lot of people.

[Ashley Ann Knox]

This is awesome. Good for you. Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Thanks, Mom. Yeah, you're welcome.

[Albert Moreno]

Do you.

[Ashley Ann Knox]

It's Mommy. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you dress like this around your son's friends?

[Ashley Ann Knox]

So, funny story. The other day, I was having lunch with him and a friend, and he goes, mom, you're.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're you're bad.

[Ashley Ann Knox]

And I said, what do you mean? He said, I mean, you can Google it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I was like, oh.

[Ashley Ann Knox]

Oh, no. Like my heart to my stomach. He meant batty, like I was hot. And his friends.

[Albert Moreno]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your son said you're.

[Ashley Ann Knox]

I was like, ew. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Something like that.

[Joe DeRosa]

It's a real weird thing to say.

[Ashley Ann Knox]

All of my bad choices went and flashed before my eyes, though. That's all I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is there anything out when you say that you got scared? What could he possibly have found?

[Ashley Ann Knox]

Pictures, maybe?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that what you've done?

[Ashley Ann Knox]

Don't have an onlyfans. Calm down. Maybe after this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Ashley Ann, let's talk about it.

[Colt McNeely]

What do you do?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do for work?

[Ashley Ann Knox]

Booing? No, only fans.

[Aya]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Stick with me, Ashley. Don't pay attention to them. I'm used to them. You were definitely.

[Tomek Kolecki]

You are.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You stick with me over here.

[Ashley Ann Knox]

I got you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for work?

[Ashley Ann Knox]

I own an entertainment company, so I host karaoke and open my comedy all over dfw.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. What did you do before that?

[Ashley Ann Knox]

I was in sales, so I did strategic. Strategic stuff door to door.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What'd you do before that?

[Ashley Ann Knox]

Sold magazines. It's all I've ever done.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Ashley Ann Knox]

All I've ever done is sell since I was 14.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's it?

[Ashley Ann Knox]

Yeah. My dad had me out there knocking doors, practicing for my own AMBER Alert. It was wild.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Ashley Ann Knox]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many kids do you have?

[Ashley Ann Knox]

Two.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old are they?

[Ashley Ann Knox]

One will be 15, and one is about to be 9.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. You still with the baby daddy?

[Ashley Ann Knox]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. So what do you want?

[Ashley Ann Knox]

I'm not gonna talk about him either. Last time I talked about him, you

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

were on the show.

[Ashley Ann Knox]

I was?

[Stephen Taco]

Yeah.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Oh, shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You thought I would have remembered an unfunny set of tits. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

[Aya]

You know what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You wore a hoodie last time. Yeah, that'll do it.

[Ashley Ann Knox]

I covered him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now I remember you.

[Ashley Ann Knox]

That was the problem. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Derosa.

[Joe DeRosa]

No, I was just gonna say, before we get too far away from your son. Where do you think your son got the idea to look up giant, fake tittered women?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you're so dumb.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I don't know.

[Ashley Ann Knox]

He's.

[Joe DeRosa]

What do you think put that in his head?

[Ashley Ann Knox]

He's been googling weird shit like that since he was. Is seven okay?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This kid is heavily advanced. You would be, too if you were drinking heavy whipping cream right from the womb. I mean, look at those. I mean, holy. I mean. I mean, Ashley. I mean, at least you have those, right?

[Ashley Ann Knox]

You know, I paid a Lot of money for them. So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? How much did you pay?

[Ashley Ann Knox]

10 grand.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Ashley Ann Knox]

Each worth it. It's my favorite thing I ever bought myself.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are they gumby? Are they gummy?

[Ashley Ann Knox]

Oh, yeah, they're totally gummy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, gummy. He's asking if they're gummy or if they're.

[Ashley Ann Knox]

I said gummy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Ashley Ann Knox]

Gummy. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. I see you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you talking about the blow jobs or tits? No, the tits.

[Ashley Ann Knox]

Good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Ashley, so give us an example. Like the last date you went on.

[Ashley Ann Knox]

The last. The last date. I don't really date. I've been in a relationship, you know what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you're in a relationship.

[Ashley Ann Knox]

I was in a relationship. I'm recently unengaged. Which is funny because you actually, you foreshadowed this. Actually totally did. The last time I saw you, you were like, your. Your fiance is gonna. Gonna cheat on you and leave you. And I was like, wow, you're being kind of a. But it turns out you're actually a witch. Wow, look, you were dead on balls. Accurate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I wonder what made me say that at the time. Are you. But you don't have a guy now. Wow. So what do you do for fun? What do you drag in front of this poor 15 and 9 year old?

[Ashley Ann Knox]

I host like 4 shows a week of karaoke and comedy open mics. So I like, am super busy and I'm producing a. A competition statewide for stand up comedy too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that. Go. Go. I can't quite understand what they're chanting. Butterly.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Are they saying dump?

[Aya]

Jump?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys want her to jump? I mean, Ashley Ann Knox says that she knows how to throw a real karaoke party.

[Ashley Ann Knox]

Oh, I'm. Yeah, I'm more of a singer than a comedian. Let's be real.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many you want to see her jump right now, huh? Jumping jacks.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Ten.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jumping jacks.

[Scott Ramos]

Count them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three, four. Oh, DeRosa, don't make a face like you're not loving this. Look over there, you fucking homie.

[Ashley Ann Knox]

My knees can only.

[Joe DeRosa]

She's gonna find this clip in her son's Google history later.

[Ashley Ann Knox]

There is a strong chance of that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Ashley Ann.

[Ashley Ann Knox]

My knees can't handle that though. I'm only 34. But they're menopausal, so you're leaving here

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

with a medium sized joke if you want. I'll make it in your cleavage from here. Just stay there.

[Scott Ramos]

Don't move.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I'm off. I was off on that one little sticky hand. Sorry.

[Ashley Ann Knox]

Aw, you can't win Them all little sticky hand.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys know what that's like? You've been to a Texas Rangers game. Sometimes the balls can't always go where you want them to. Yes. That was an insult. You guys having fun still? We got another bucket full. Make some noise. Is for Scott Ramos, everybody. Scott Ramos.

[Scott Ramos]

What's going on, guys? My name is Scott. I am a terrible person to work with. Like, if you want to get done, stay away from me. But if you want to have fun, I got you. Like, have you ever gotten in trouble at work for some shit, but it's not the worst you've done. So when you get called out for it, you almost feel offended and rat on yourself. My boss is like, scott, you been coming in late? I'm like, bitch, I've been stealing money. I'm just joking. I work for FedEx. Yes, I do steal your shit. My family thanks you. It was weird. I'll go to the supermarket, and people give me way too much respect. One guy thanked me for my service, and I didn't know how to respond, so I was like, yes, sir. I did two tours in Dallas. We did a tour in Arlington. We lost a lot of good men that year. I like smoking weed. Done.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh, look at that.

[Scott Ramos]

What up, my boy?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hi, Scott Ramos. How are you?

[Scott Ramos]

What up, Tony Hinchcliffe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hello again.

[Scott Ramos]

No. First time, brother. No, you. I'm wearing my hat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, what?

[Scott Ramos]

Some guy yells, take off your hat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Scott Ramos]

Take off your wife's top.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Aya]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. Someone just got themselves a new tick tock clip, everybody. All right, Scott Ramos, stick with me here. How long you been doing stand up?

[Scott Ramos]

I mean, it's been like, eight to ten years, but I take, like, six. I'd be bullshitting.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Okay.

[Scott Ramos]

Yeah, I'm sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why you be bullshitting? Why you be. May I ask you. Why you be bullshitting?

[Lawton Parnell]

Th.

[Scott Ramos]

Drugs are fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. T, H, Y, U, B.

[Scott Ramos]

Drugs are fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of drugs are we talking about?

[Scott Ramos]

No, we're good.

[Aya]

No.

[Scott Ramos]

Yeah, we good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, so crack. See, now that I went extreme. Now you want to dial it back?

[Scott Ramos]

Crack it. I do crack.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do crack now?

[Scott Ramos]

I do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Scott Ramos]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. So what do you do? You don't look like you've done cocaine once in your life. You look like you've done cane sugar.

[Scott Ramos]

You should have saw me in the parking lot, bro. We've been having fun. We be having fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We be having fun.

[Scott Ramos]

Yes, we be having fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Jay. So, Scott, what do you do for work?

[Timmy No Breaks]

Work?

[Scott Ramos]

I don't Know if I should do that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, boy. You're a hell of an interview so far, Scott. You don't want to tell us what you do, what drugs you do?

[Scott Ramos]

I got in trouble. I. I fell. I. I'm, like, doing a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So Spectrum. Okay, perfect. You work for a cable company.

[Scott Ramos]

My legs all band. I fell through a hole, so it's like a workers comp injury.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

So you're not supposed to be, like, walking around in public?

[Dedrick Flynn]

No.

[Joe DeRosa]

What the. Are you about talking? Jesus Christ.

[Scott Ramos]

It just happened Tuesday. I got 34 stitches.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What ha. I mean, you fell into a hole?

[Scott Ramos]

Yeah, it was a. I was loading on a truck and I fell.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, you guys want him to jump? This is a Dallas thing. This is very exciting. Can you do 10 jumping jacks for us? Yo, how many you want to see him do? 10 jumping jacks right now?

[Scott Ramos]

Now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uno.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Do

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

my bag. No, that's all I know.

[Scott Ramos]

Says, let's go up the bag. Hey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, not happening. Oh, look at that. Full heel turn gay. Wow.

[Scott Ramos]

It's a raise of Ramon. Share them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Have you ever snitched on anyone? Is that why you think you have 34 stitches right now? You consider yourself somewhat of a tattlet?

[Scott Ramos]

You can close the cage behind me. I ain't talking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay?

[Scott Ramos]

Wow. I ain't a snitch.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Okay?

[Scott Ramos]

She's over here telling me, jump. No, I'm not gonna jump.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

These people want you to jump, Scott. I mean, it's. It's. The decision is unanimous. There's a funny thing in Dallas. They want you to jump. You keep showing them a pink.

[Scott Ramos]

You want me to show it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, that's a pink Ace. Bandit, you look like. This better be gnarly. Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, he is pulling out his wound. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[Lawton Parnell]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can we eat all of you?

[Joe DeRosa]

The funny thing is that thing looks

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

like it needs ice. And the wound looks bad, too.

[Scott Ramos]

Nice. That was good. That was solid.

[Joe DeRosa]

The stitches are the best part of that leg.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. All right.

[Scott Ramos]

Did you blow a dude?

[Jefe]

What?

[Scott Ramos]

What? Did a dude blow you?

[Joe DeRosa]

Did a dude blow me?

[Scott Ramos]

Yeah.

[Jefe]

Today.

[Scott Ramos]

No, no go, my little TR. Blue you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My fault.

[Scott Ramos]

I'm sorry. Hey, calm down.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's yes, by the way.

[Scott Ramos]

Thank you.

[Joe DeRosa]

She was a wonderful woman.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She identified as a woman, and that's what makes the difference.

[Joe DeRosa]

It's enough for me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Meanwhile, he wouldn't even look at the tits bouncing earlier. I can't believe this is happening. Oh, we're degrading this woman that had no talent on the show and has her tits out while talking about her kids.

[Joe DeRosa]

The dude that blew real tits than that chick did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Scott Ramos, you are leaving here with a medium sized joke book, my friend. Congratulations. I know people.

[Scott Ramos]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes. Scott Ramos coming back in for daps. Oh, my goodness. It's a security infringement. This is it. We're all gonna die. Tony got fucking Charlie'd in Dallas. All right, here's the great Heidi and Val getting us all liquored up. We're having a good old time. We have another special treat. Yes. They love jumping jacks. Val, you wanna do 10? Come do 10. You guys want 10 jumping jacks from Val? Oh, the shoes make it hard. Oh, my goodness. You sweet thing. I could pee on him. Come on, get up there.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Get.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Get right up there.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is Kill Tony, ladies and gentlemen, Who loves the United States of Americ. Oh, look who's back on the side of women again.

[Joe DeRosa]

That was good. My pants need stitches after watching that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Back to comedy we go. Ladies and gentlemen, we have yet another member of our unbelievable crew. It's a very small crew, believe it or not, that this entire machine operates off of, but yet another one of them are born and raised in motherfucking Dallas, Texas. You've seen her on this show multiple times here with a brand new minute. Make some noise for the great Aya, everybody. It's the return of Aya.

[Aya]

I went on a walk with my little cousin the other day and he confessed to me that he thought that gay people were a waste of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Of sperm.

[Aya]

And that really shocked me. I didn't believe him at first. I thought he meant that gay people waste a lot of sperm because they do. Gay people waste so much sperm, it's kind of all that they do with it. And I'm not wasteful. I recycle. Recycling is recycling. Feels like you're deciding your trash gets to go to heaven instead of hell. And sometimes that's too much pressure. So I'll just litter. Fuck it. Purgatory. I, you know, gay people, I think are real, but I'm skeptical of lesbians just because they play with, like, dildos and stuff. And I feel like if you were really a lesbian, you would have like a pocket pussy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Brilliant. I love it. Dallas own aya, ladies and gentlemen. Huh?

[Aya]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fucking awesome set.

[Aya]

Hey, tony.

[Jefe]

Hello.

[Aya]

Hi, tim. Hi, joe. Hi, redban.

[Martin Phillips]

Hi.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, aya, great job.

[Aya]

Thank you, tim.

[Joe DeRosa]

Really good.

[Aya]

Thank you, joe.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, really great.

[Aya]

You're arab, aren't you?

[Joe DeRosa]

I'm sorry?

[Aya]

You're arab, right?

[Joe DeRosa]

I am.

[Aya]

Me too.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh really? What kind?

[Aya]

I'm moroccan.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh really?

[Aya]

Yeah, 100%.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's awesome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He was moroccan. His dick in a tranny's mouth. The dog's out of the bag, if you will.

[Joe DeRosa]

What happens in Egypt stays in Egypt.

[Aya]

I thought that happened to you in Vegas.

[Joe DeRosa]

You what?

[Aya]

I thought that happened to you in Vegas.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yes.

[Aya]

Okay.

[Joe DeRosa]

Did not stay in Vegas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, but no, Joe, you're Egyptian, right?

[Joe DeRosa]

I am Egyptian mostly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Yeah, wow.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, yeah, but I don't exploit it, so I get nothing out of it, right? Yeah. I just walk around like a dumb white and get me nowhere this career.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I always knew you were Egyptian because anytime you would leave the men's room your dick sphinx. Because you were banging trannies in the ass.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sphinx Instead of stinks. Anybody?

[Joe DeRosa]

Everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Finally, someone gay than me on this show. Tony G. Someone that's actually kind of gay.

[Joe DeRosa]

But speaking of which. Speaking of which. Tony had a fruit platter in his green room, but he didn't eat any cuz it would have been cannibalism.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Joe had sausage in his Greener. It was like her name was Leslie. We're having fun here. This feels like home.

[Joe DeRosa]

I love it, I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I. You are so always. You are just really, you, you are. For the. Those of you that might be wondering, you know, some of these people, you know, they kind of like amp up and do a character. Ish thing or like do I. You know, like for example, being. Yeah, exactly. Like for example, Colt, who I, you know, we work with all the time. He's never really like, hey, Tony, I gotta tell you, I gotta tell you, you know. But Aya is always like this. She's always sweet and real and just herself. Very nice, polite and then to. There's this amazing, amazing standup that you do that is so smart. Like I've never thought of that pocket thing. I thought my brain had kind of covered everything with lesbians and dildos and all of that.

[Aya]

They should have one like that. They eat for the love of the game, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God, that's.

[Aya]

I want to be the very best lesbian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have a couple in my car if you want one of them.

[Aya]

Okay, cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red band. No, she's not jumping. You fucking animals.

[Aya]

Yeah, I mean, yeah, I'm not going to jump.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I'm not going to make you jump. You're too special for that.

[Aya]

Are you going to ask me where I'm from?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where are you you from?

[Aya]

I'm from Garland, Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my goodness.

[Aya]

All the Mexicans.

[Joe DeRosa]

How many? How many Goddamn neighborhoods. Does Dallas have.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It has a lot.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's the 17th neighborhood that somebody said.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. Dallas and Houston are two of the weird. They're like their own states. It's very bizarre. That is bizarre. What's Garland known for?

[Aya]

So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, the place is in a ruckus.

[Aya]

Okay, so.

[Stephen Taco]

Bunch of homos.

[Aya]

David Koresh went to my high school.

[Jefe]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Name drop.

[Aya]

Not to brag or anything.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. In the end, you both ended up burning down the house. It's incredible.

[Aya]

Oh, okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's like a good thing you had. You had a good set.

[Aya]

I thought you were being racist for a second.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Crash. Burned down. Yeah. His house burned down.

[R]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Burned it down. I think I have the thing right. Nobody's reacting. Okay, Aya, anything else crazy we should talk about before getting you back?

[Aya]

Okay. I had a question for D Madness, actually.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, very exciting. I love this.

[Aya]

Okay. He.

[Colt McNeely]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, D, we have a mic for D. Is that one.

[Aya]

Do you watch porn?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, good quest. Wow, that is incredible. D, I have a. I have a follow up question.

[Aya]

Unless you do, Aya, you go for it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now, do you tend to have a preference between like black women and white women or lesbians or, you know, anything like that? Do you have like a preference? Unbelievable answer. Their voices though, like black.

[Stephen Taco]

You like black voice or.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Aya]

Is there like a volume that you're into? Is there a volume you're into?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Volume, like spatial? Like, do you want it loud or quiet? Oh, perfect. That's how I like my steak. I can't believe there's no preference between black or white. Audio wise, I think black porn's a lot. It's got a lot more humor in it. Oh, hell no. You ain't putting it there yet. That thing can't even fit back there. Hey,

[Timmy No Breaks]

Asian.

[Aya]

Wait a minute. That sounds like a black woman.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Oh, okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what I was doing.

[Aya]

I wasn't expecting that from you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

D, I don't know if you know anything about D, but if a dude talks during his porn, he has to start all over again. This guy is a. He's the known resident homophobe on the show. Normally he takes one of his pee breaks when anyone's being slightly gay. The fact that he found out Derosa got sucked off by a last year's skank fest means that he's never going to be able to look Joe directly in the eyes again. He never did before. So how about a hand for the great D Madness, everybody? And Aya, you're a saint. So much fun. One of the best. One of the. I just love it. The energy around Aya. She's definitely going to be doing this for the rest of her life. That's a little starlet you're seeing right there. You get to watch people grow here on Kil Tony in real time. Normally you don't find out about these people till they're 15 years into their career. 10, 15, 20 years. Only on this show do you get to watch people start, get better, go through it maybe, you know, have a tough set, get great again. Back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool's name is Tomek Koleki. That sounds familiar. Tomek Koleki, everybody.

[Jefe]

Hi.

[Tomek Kolecki]

Hello, Dallas and hello, America. Hi, I'm Tomek Kowecki. I'm from Poland. I just arrived to this country one week ago. So I have very strong accent. And because of this accent, it's hard to get pussy in America, you know, because we don't have sexy accent. Italian people, sexy accent. French people, ooh la la, want to see you pussy. Polish people. We sound like Bora. That it's hard to be sexy. Borat, you know, with this accent. My best pickup line is very nice. How much? And it works only on prostitute. But works, works, yeah. I need to work on my accent, though. I need to, because I want to trick Latinas into believing that I can give them green card.

[Scott Ramos]

So.

[Tomek Kolecki]

What else? If you don't know where Poland is, I don't blame you. We don't have oil, right? You all know where Venezuela is, right? But don't worry. In Poland, we cool with America because we are not that important, you know, for you to understand how less Poland means in Europe, we are white people without white privilege. It's like being a black guy with short dick. Thank you very much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, Tomek Koleki.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Thank you. Thank you, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. Tomek is back. Yeah, I'm back, baby. Another fun set. How'd you end up here in Dallas? We know you're originally from Poland and we met you in Austin, Texas. Yeah, but how'd you end up here?

[Tomek Kolecki]

I've been in Austin last year for three months. Then I went back to Poland, and I just arrived to America a week ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, a week ago. So you drove here from Austin for this?

[Tomek Kolecki]

I mostly stay in Austin, but. But of course I need to come for this, right? Give myself.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is there anything about Dallas that you've fallen in love with since you've been here?

[Tomek Kolecki]

It's a nice city. I'm from Poland. Every city In America is nice.

[Stephen Taco]

You know what I mean?

[Tomek Kolecki]

Yeah, it's nice. And I can feel energy in Dallas because I'm a supporter of Poland. Football national team. Like, soccer national team. So I understand your pain in Dallas because you support Dallas Cowboys. So I understand disappointment.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just take. Just take note that even people that live in small countries, literally on the other side of the planet that don't really know how football works, make fun of you, they all make Dallas Cowboy. I understand. I'm terrible. It is so bad.

[Tomek Kolecki]

Our socks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Soccer team is so bad. They like Dallas Cowboy. Oh, there's some people that are pets. Oh, my goodness. Oh, there's this one lady looking at me so angry right now.

[Tomek Kolecki]

I understand disappointment.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, this one lady looks like she's gonna pull a pocket out of her mouth and start eating it just for the love of the game.

[Gil]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, not that one. The one behind. She knows where. Which one?

[Ashley Ann Knox]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Joe Derosa.

[Joe DeRosa]

No, I'm just. Dude, honestly, man, I'm so impressed. I'm always so impressed when somebody from another country comes to the States and does well. For you to come from Poland and kill, like, it's so impressive, because I've traveled with standup. I've been to China, Amsterdam, Iceland. I bomb my fucking ass off when I go to other countries. For you to come in from Poland, spur the moment and smash like that, it's really impressive. Thank you.

[Tomek Kolecki]

I appreciate it.

[Scott Ramos]

Thank you.

[Joe DeRosa]

Really impressive, man.

[Gil]

Thank you.

[Joe DeRosa]

Not easy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you so much.

[Tomek Kolecki]

Let's go. Whoa,

[Jefe]

whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Some Polish chorizo. Amazing.

[Jefe]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where'd you learn to speak Spanish? Why did you learn to speak Spanish? Are they invading Poland, too?

[Tomek Kolecki]

In Poland, it's mandatory to learn two separate languages, and everybody learn English. Another one. You can choose. I'm not gonna learn German because Polish people have PTSD from German. So you'll just hear, I cannot do this. You know, Spanish is easier. You know, Spanish is nice. Like, oh, okay.

[William Montgomery]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You ever been with us? A Latina woman before?

[Tomek Kolecki]

No, not yet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. Have you ever kissed a Latina woman before?

[Tomek Kolecki]

Not yet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is there a Latina woman out there in the audience saying, can we get some house lights up here for a second? Give me some house lights. Is there a Latino woman that wants to make Kill Tony history? And a Polish boy's dream come true? Stand up. If there's a decent Latina woman, Is that a Latina woman right there? Come on up, sweetheart. This is how the magic happens. Only here. Only in the Kill Tony universe. Everyone throw her up here. We're gonna have this. We're gonna have one of the bad guys from Indiana Jones throw you up here. This security guy here. Oh my goodness, look at this.

[Tomek Kolecki]

I, I did. I just need to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your first Latina kiss. Make it a good one.

[Tomek Kolecki]

Just one second.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I, I. Oh, Jesus Christ. Comac. This is why we threw you guys on the trains in World War II. Just go with the flow, dude. What's. What are you. You're ruining the momentum.

[Tomek Kolecki]

I have beautiful girlfriend in Poland.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Can I give you like, oh, my God. To mechanic Mac. I love my girlfriend.

[Tomek Kolecki]

I love my girlfriend.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Sorry for that, but.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. To Mac.

[Tomek Kolecki]

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm so, so Mech. Look over here, you stupid bastard. Look over here. I know, but to mech. You really think your girlfriend wouldn't get it if you kissed a girl on the show? She would be mad.

[Gil]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, well, you're, you're, you're in trouble no matter what. Tim Butter. No, nobody wants that. Oh, he blew it. You know, Tony, I'll kiss this girl.

[Tomek Kolecki]

I can, I can kiss Red Bun, no problem. I can kiss Red bun over you said.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about Joe Derosa? Will you kiss Joe Derosa tonight? Hell yeah. Let's throw a wig on him. Suck his dick, dude. All right, all right.

[Tomek Kolecki]

Go out to get the kiss in the cheek. Let's go, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shut the up. Tomac Jodorosa.

[R]

I'm sorry.

[Joe DeRosa]

You sound like, by the way, dude, you sound like the kid in high school that lies. I got a super hot girlfriend. She lives in Poland.

[Tomek Kolecki]

Have you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's smoking hot.

[Joe DeRosa]

I swear to God.

[Tomek Kolecki]

Have you saw Polish girls are beautiful?

[Joe DeRosa]

You know, like, Polish girls are. Polish girls are beautiful, but dumb as it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I feel bad letting this poor Latina woman up here without a kiss. Michael Gonzalez, have you ever kissed a Latina woman before? Oh, my God. I mean, I'm just trying to make showbiz magic happen here. It's a live show. Anything can happen. All these other late night hosts have producers and writers, and everything's decided. Michael Gonzalez, show this woman how to kill kiss, will you? Oh, my God.

[Stephen Taco]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I think she might be pregnant now. That's incredible. Wow.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Thank you.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness gracious. Again, the bad guy from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom is going to let you down. Om shibad. Om shibad. You have herpes now, by the way. Oh, wow. Red band throwing in a little pepper on the soup. All right, Tomech, another great set Next time, just kiss the girl. It's showbiz, dude. The same Poland. This is where big, big, big things are made. And I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday, bro.

[Gil]

Whoa.

[Lawton Parnell]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Catches like a real Pole. He's Polish, people. Not the smartest. You know what I mean? There he goes. He's gonna go draw pictures in that book.

[Joe DeRosa]

Well, that his girlfriend was okay with him going. I'm gonna spend five grand to throw my name into a bucket. But not with kissing a chick.

[Lawton Parnell]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. I can't believe you would kiss that girl on a show where the, the whole crowd wanted you to. Can you imagine going back to Poland?

[Joe DeRosa]

Age kiss at least.

[Tomek Kolecki]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, we have another one. Word name. You guys still having fun out there? Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Oh, Derosa's got to go jerk off. Make some noise for your next bucket pool, everybody. It's Gil. Gil is next on Kill. Tony.

[Gil]

The first time that I ever got in a crowd like this is going to be like this. This is crazy. But.

[Jefe]

Together, man.

[Gil]

I'm about to pull out William Montgomery because I can't remember shit right now, but the. You know, back a long time ago, there was a Pope. It was Pope Gregory. And he hated cats. He hated them so bad, he wanted them all killed. And that's the first time I ever heard about a Pope killing some pussy. Oh, yeah. You know, Know, if, if you got, if you got a, if you commit incest more than once. Is it recess? I, I, I was kind of asking for my cousin, but you know, it. When I was a kid, I used to think that you got gonorrhea. That's how you got rid of diarrhea. All right, There's a croc, a doll, and there was a alligator.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, I want you to keep going one, Gil, cuz it took you a while to get started. Now you got momentum. I want to hear more of these jokes. Start that one over again. Okay, let's go, Gil.

[Gil]

Okay, there's this crocodile, and he was this alligator. And right when he got done, he said, I'm Cayman. Yeah. You know, my, my, my girlfriend, she won't have sex with me because she said I look like the Lorax.

[Stephen Taco]

That shit.

[Gil]

I'm so broke. My goddamn ebt, My goddamn Internet provider is chat ebt. I'm for, I'm not for gender affirming surgeries, but I am for all furries to be spaded and neutered.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. Fuck yeah. Dude. Dude, hey, I'm, I'VE never seen a set where it gets more blatantly better as he goes than this one. You know, I'm at the first 30 seconds talking about how crazy life is that you're here, and then you just started.

[Gil]

I mean, I. I've done this about 10 times, you know, and nothing like in front of 10 people, you know what I mean? It's nothing like this, but incredible. But. Yeah. But anyway, I was going to get back to my.

[Ashley Ann Knox]

I.

[Gil]

To the furries, you know, I talk about the furries and all, you know, I got one that lives next door to me and she's like, she comes up, she flirts with me, she gets on the fence and she goes back and forth and she rubs my leg every now and then. And I told my girlfriend if she don't quit, I'm going to that, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, this is so cool.

[Colt McNeely]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you've only done stand up about 10 times?

[Gil]

About 10 times. About 10 times.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is an honor for me.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Hey, man, you.

[Gil]

You can do the man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, look at that. That's a legit Kil Tony tattoo. So nice to meet Stone Cold Steve Dallas. Oh, yeah, brother.

[Gil]

I'm not. I'm not even from Dallas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I know, I know. Joke works though, cuz we're here. Where are you from?

[Gil]

I'm from Atlanta, but I live in Panama City beach right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. I should have known by the handlebar. Hulk Hogan mustache. Look at that thing.

[Timmy No Breaks]

What do you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do for work? Are you a bouncer at a vape store or what is it?

[Gil]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I wish, I wish. And I. I'm unemployed right now, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, what did you do before that?

[Gil]

I was a electrician. Electrician. And then I. I moved to Panama City to chase my dream to comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what made you move to Panama City to do that?

[Gil]

Well, I already had a place there. I got divorced and. And I already had a place there and I had nowhere to live in Atlanta, so I just quit my job there and said it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I heard the girls are pretty though, there, Tony.

[R]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, is that what you heard?

[Gil]

Yeah. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Gil]

I'm already. Already got a girl, but there is some hot ones there, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. So where did this new girl. How long you been with her?

[Gil]

Well, actually, I've been with her all my life, you know, but we got. We got separated, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Gil]

She's my first girlfriend when I was like 14. And then she had six kids. We.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She had six kids?

[Gil]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many kids did you have?

[Gil]

Have one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You had one?

[Scott Ramos]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And how long ago did you get divorced?

[Gil]

A year ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then when did you start banging this chick again?

[Gil]

Year and a half ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. Now I see the timeline works out, I see why you got divorced. Yeah, absolutely. Perfect.

[Gil]

Definitely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Gil]

If you. If you see my ex wife, you. You really know, I bet you might

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

be the perfect stepdad.

[Gil]

Dang.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Every detail about you from head, head to toe is ideal.

[Gil]

And I. I appreciate that. That's a. I think that's a compliment. Totally.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely incredible. What do you look like with the sunglasses up? You look cool as with them down. Oh, cross side.

[Gil]

I'm not cross.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, we know red. The alcohol is really hitting red band. He mixes Red Bull and vodka so he gets more energy and more stupid as the night goes on. It's an incredible thing. Perfect for podcasting.

[Gil]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Anyway.

[Gil]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's incredible. How old's your kid?

[Gil]

He's 18.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you're close to being the world's coolest grandpa.

[Scott Ramos]

Female.

[Gil]

No, he's. He's a male, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, make play some funny sounds or something. Totally destroying this interview. We have no momentum right now. Shut the upper. All right. Tell us something interesting about your life, Gil, about your actual life history.

[Gil]

Well, we talking about my son. You know, this is kind of fucked up to bring up, but we got into it, like, had a little falling out. He stabbed me three times. Oh, my God. Really?

[Dedrick Flynn]

Four.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh, my God.

[Gil]

Stab me right here too.

[Joe DeRosa]

I can't believe you're unemployed.

[Gil]

I'm good, I'm good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What exactly happened when he decided to stab you? What were you guys arguing about?

[Gil]

His bitch ass mom.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Mama.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Gil]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that, that. What did she do this time?

[Jefe]

Well.

[Gil]

Well, we're sitting there and we got all these kids at our condo, you

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

know, because she has six of them.

[Gil]

No, we just have one. But she. She is like the neighborhood mamas. Everybody come down to our condo at spring break from Atlanta, right? So everybody, you know, I'm cool then. You know, everybody wants to hang out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, because you're in Panama City. Any fresh puss?

[Lawton Parnell]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, go ahead.

[Gil]

But anyway, we're all down. This was before I got divorced, of course. You know, so we're down there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Divorce, divorce. Of course, of course, of course, of course. All right, man.

[Gil]

I got cock mouth a little bit. But anyway, so. So we're down there and. And she's like, I'm gonna have to go get something to eat. You know, she's like, well, I can't lead all these kids here. You're a grown ass man. Go get your own self something to eat. So I said, okay, I went and got something to eat.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Yeah.

[Gil]

Well, then when I come home, she didn't. She done told my son that I stole her goddamn bank card. And, you know. And then I done took off with it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You don't look like the kind of guy that would ever do that.

[Gil]

No, no, it was my bank card.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're damn right.

[Scott Ramos]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

At the end of the day, you're the provider. What does that do for work anyway?

[Gil]

She don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're damn right.

[Gil]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I knew it. I knew, knew it. Stay at home.

[Gil]

But anyway. Yep, exact. Thank you. Thank you, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

See, we have momentum now. All right, Stick with the sound effects.

[Gil]

Oh, man, go ahead. I. I'm loving this right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God damn it. God damn it. This is so exciting. Derosa's heart as a rock right now.

[Gil]

I know it, I know it, I know it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's looking at that handlebar handles.

[Gil]

I know.

[Joe DeRosa]

That mustache could hold a lot of comps.

[Lawton Parnell]

Gutters.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They have gutters?

[Gil]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, there he is. Oh, for the last four. Brian Red band from the plate. All right, go ahead.

[Joe DeRosa]

So wait, it was your bank card?

[Gil]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

But you came home.

[Jefe]

Yep.

[Joe DeRosa]

She said you stole her bank card.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She don't even have a bank card. You ask me, she has a skank card that. Well, godamn.

[Gil]

Anyway, she got them all wrapped. I walk in the door and it's like kids going, you know, it's like to the window, to the walls.

[Stephen Taco]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And we know how you feel about that kind of music.

[Gil]

No, no, no. And I look at him and I said, until the sweat runs down my balls. And all the kids are like, oh. So I go there. I was like, hey, Blake, what's going on? She's like, you got my mother's car.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Hard.

[Gil]

I said, don't talk to me like that. Well, she already been talking before I got them, you know, before when I was gone. Got like, got the kids all riled up because my son would never.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Of course. And once she starts blabbing, then comes the stabbing. Yeah, that's what we always say. I know, buddy. I know you and I and you know me. We're a happy family with a big old hug and a kiss from me to you. Say you love me too. Let's go. When does the stabbing start?

[Gil]

About 2 o' clock in the morning.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And does he say anything before he plunges at you with a knife?

[Gil]

Well, the music's so loud, I really couldn't hear, but he just steps in front of me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what that music tends to do. It tends to cause violence with people.

[Joe DeRosa]

This is a massive jump, by the way.

[Colt McNeely]

Oh, yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

From him jumping into a sing along

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

to getting sticking a jump. Give us 10 real quick. Give us 10. Let's go. One, two, three.

[Aya]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The crowd goes wild here in Dallas, Texas. Easy breeze.

[Dedrick Flynn]

You guys make out?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You two make out? Oh, Derosa's about to get four stab wounds.

[Gil]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, so back to the stabbing.

[Gil]

Yeah. Y got snap stabbed. I got separated, you know. Oh. I didn't get exactly how. I got sad. He just stepped in front of me and I was like, you know, the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And he had a knife.

[Gil]

He's like, no, no, no, no, no. He just. I was like, I'm trying to get. I'm trying to get by him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The just slaps me in the face

[Gil]

in front of all his goddamn friends. I'm like, what the. So I just slapped the out of here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Goddamn right you did. Does he have a mustache like yours? Did it, like, flap a little bit when you.

[Dedrick Flynn]

You slapped him?

[Gil]

No. He had no facial hair at all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're goddamn right. Why? Cuz he's that bitch's son.

[Gil]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Doesn't have the powerful genetics like you, Gil.

[Gil]

No, he. He looks just like me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. Well, I mean, I don't know. I'm just guessing here.

[Gil]

I know, I know, I know, I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, go ahead. Then what happens?

[Jefe]

Well.

[Gil]

Well, then after he slaps me, I'm like, no, they go crazy, and all the kids are going crazy and they're like, oh. And I'm like. I'm just standing there like the just slapped me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where the you you expect.

[Gil]

You know, right, Dumbass. I mean, if you slap me again, I'm gonna slap you again. You know what I mean?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're damn right.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Did you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you tear up at all the way that you sometimes do when you get slapped? Yeah, sometimes. A natural tear up at all.

[Gil]

I was like, what the hell?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no one knows that you did. Cuz you wear those sunglasses 24 7, could slap this man all day. You won't see a sign of emotion.

[R]

No.

[Gil]

Especially from a my kid. You know what I mean?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what we say in Panama City or wherever the you're from. Tears are for queers.

[Gil]

Yeah, exactly.

[Albert Moreno]

Right.

[R]

You're right.

[Colt McNeely]

Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you want that clap back, I'm gonna slap back. You know what I'm saying? We got a lot of sayings down there. I have them all tattooed on My forearms. All right, okay, so when did the stabbing start? It's the longest interview of the night and I think it's damn well worth it.

[Gil]

Well, it happened right well after they went crazy. And I, I, I go out to console my niece. Cuz she's like, I don't know, traumatized or something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, how, how old's the niece? 35.

[Gil]

No, she, she's the same age as my son.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Gil]

And like she never watched her goddamn parents fight. And you know what I mean?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right?

[Gil]

Like all of a sudden traumatized, and I'm like, what the. You know, so I'm just trying to help her out because, you know, the niece is black.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're like, derek, no. Okay, forget it. Keep going. Stabbing. Let's get to the actual stabbing part.

[Gil]

So, so I'll come back in the house after she, she, she freaks out and she leaves and, and I come back in the house and he's like, he's like, he's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You get the out of my house. I'm like, who is that the again?

[Gil]

No, that's my son.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Scott Ramos]

Number two.

[Gil]

You know, he should have got his head talking. Yeah. So then all of a sudden I'm like, you know, what the, you know, you know, get the out of the way. I'm trying to go upstairs. Just. No, you know the, about that time, I'm like, blake, you got them boy done to hit me. About that time, blood just starts pouring down my side. I'm like, you little. And they're all separated. I just walk upstairs. I'm like, what the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You just walked upstairs?

[Tomek Kolecki]

That's it?

[Gil]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Stab wound in your skull.

[Gil]

No, I'm talking about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, Real nice.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Three times here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Once in the skull. Once in the skull.

[Gil]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. So you'll slap him back, but if he stabs you, you just won't go up to your room.

[Gil]

I mean, you know, what the fuck, Gil? I didn't have a knife.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank God. Well, Gil, I'll tell you what, man. You know, you showed what the show is because you were nervous as clearly when you got up here. You let the pressure get to you and then you fought it all the way, all the way to a great back end of the set in an unbelievable interview. Gil. Thank you, my friend. There he is. Gil, ladies and gentlemen. Well, we're coming around the corner. I have a few small special treats left for you. One of them is happening right now at this very moment, as I present to you one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the entire history of the show. A Man so powerful that sometimes God himself says, wow, that guy is good. You've seen him open Kill Tony more times than any other golden ticket winner. He has more spots all time than any other golden ticket winner. Ladies and gentlemen, the undeniable force that is Martin Phillips.

[Martin Phillips]

See me after the show,

[Marco Garcia]

Okay.

[Martin Phillips]

I could never be surgeon for other reasons. I'm very squeamish. So I'd be like, lose the leg, okay? Lose the leg.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can't.

[Martin Phillips]

I don't know. I trust doctors. You know, you go with a doctor and they're like, you have leukemia. It's like, I didn't have that before I came here. You know, I was feeling good, you

[Scott Ramos]

know,

[Martin Phillips]

at the hotel I'm at, I was walking to my room, I could hear people having sex. And at first I was like, yeah, you know, but. But then I heard the guy, he was like. I was like, this is growing. Way to ruin it, bro.

[Lawton Parnell]

You know?

[Martin Phillips]

Icky, yucky, icky. Okay,

[Gil]

cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Martin Phillips has done it again. Incredible that you got to see and feel the amazing love that these people have for you from so many accumulated many, many, many, many, many accumulated killer sets and interviews.

[Martin Phillips]

I, I, I, I didn't even like that list. But you know what? It's. It's cool now. So cool with the guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. And clearly you're the best player ever in Texas Rangers baseball history. A lot of people know that. Nolan Ryan. At least I'll give Nolan Ryan some credit.

[Gil]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, hell yeah. Heck, yeah. Well, the king of the buns over here.

[Lawton Parnell]

True.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The king of the buns. Well, Tim Butterly, I'm curious. Did you, did you try any sports as a kid?

[Martin Phillips]

Yes. Okay. I was the water boy on our football team. Okay. I had to wear a jersey. I had my own jersey.

[Colt McNeely]

Wow.

[Martin Phillips]

I was the manager of our college club baseball team, Division 2.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And at the end of the season,

[Martin Phillips]

they let me go up at bat and I hit the ball. I had to run, so My batting average is 1,000.

[Stephen Taco]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, wow, wow. Incredible. Fun fact. He's the first person to ever dribble on a baseball field.

[Martin Phillips]

Well, you know, I actually, I brought something special today.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Martin Phillips]

So I. In the past, I tap dance at the show, you know, but then I realized people can't afford tap shoes or they don't want to commit to tap shoes. So for all the kids out there, I have made my made at home tap shoes myself.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. You have actual tap shoes on that

[Martin Phillips]

are made at home tap shoe. So all you have to do is get some old sneakers, crush some soda cans, and duct tape them to the bottom of your shoes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've done that here today. Can we get a little tap dance sounds.

[Martin Phillips]

It sounds just like regular tap. You can do this at home. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is incredible. You're like Bill Nye or something.

[Martin Phillips]

I call them Texas tap shoes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, here we go.

[Colt McNeely]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, everybody be quiet. You have to be quiet.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Martin Phillips]

Sounds insane.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely incredible. Anything could happen here on Kiltoni.

[Joe DeRosa]

I literally can't tell the difference between that and good tap dancing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uh oh. Dallas has spoken. Ladies and gentlemen. I think we gotta put the mic down on the ground one more time because These people want 10 improvised jumping jacks from you, Martin Phillips. We gotta give Dallas what they want

[Martin Phillips]

with the, the tab twos on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, yeah, that's. Let's just give it a shot here.

[Martin Phillips]

We'll see how it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It'll be great. Just any form of jumping jack is going to be fully acceptable. Here, start.

[Martin Phillips]

And I can do a jumping jack.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. Okay, perfect. Here we go. Count them out. 10 of them. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Oh, my God. Make some noise for the great Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen.

[William Montgomery]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Another great set. Another great interview. He's batting a thousand on Kiltoni as well as his little league career. All right, back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for another Dallas bucket poll. This is Steven Taco, everybody. Steven Taco is the name.

[Stephen Taco]

Sup? So I'm a beekeeper. Keep bees. Interesting thing about bees, though, is I didn't know that not all of them make honey, right? So I beekeep the Western European honeybee, right? Makes honey, but then there's like the Africanized killer bee. They make crack cocaine. Cool thing about bees, though is that they're like, they're hive minded, right? They're like the ultimate form of communism. Yeah, they're a lot like the Chinese. Like, it's all for one. They're, they're, they're. The individual doesn't matter. And they all look exactly the same. And that's racist.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Steven Taco, welcome to the show. Stephen, you've been on before, right?

[Stephen Taco]

No, sir.

[Timmy No Breaks]

First time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your first time?

[Stephen Taco]

Yes, sir. First time ever, even signing up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. How long you been on stand up?

[Stephen Taco]

About six years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Six years. Where at?

[Scott Ramos]

Fort Worth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. You know Fort Worth.

[Gil]

Well, what's up

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

again? Hyenas?

[Stephen Taco]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, great.

[Scott Ramos]

Yes, sir.

[Colt McNeely]

Love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So tell us about your life. What do you do for work?

[Stephen Taco]

So. Well, I'm a beekeeper part time and then I'm a server at Risky's. Risky's Barbecue in downtown Fort Worth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck yeah. Riskies.

[Stephen Taco]

Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what Joe calls a blow job at Skank Fest.

[Joe DeRosa]

Look at it. Any food you ever handed me would be considered risky.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So how did you get into beekeeping?

[Stephen Taco]

So my uncle's been doing it for, like, 15 years, and he's been trying to get me into it. And, like, for the longest time, I was like, that. I ain't dealing with bees. You out your mind? And then I went with him to a farmer's market, and he made, like, $1,000 in, like, four hours. I was like, yeah, dude, let's. Let's sling some honey, dude. It's like selling drugs, but legally, you know what I mean?

[Scott Ramos]

So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Something like that. Okay. I love it. Your uncle ever tried to touch you?

[Stephen Taco]

Tried. He's a millionaire, dude. I'd let him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. I love that he was calling you honey before he ever touched it. Amazing. And it's a profitable business, business, beekeeping?

[Stephen Taco]

Yeah.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Yeah.

[Stephen Taco]

I mean, it's. It's a little side hustling. I mean, I do it every other weekend. We sell it at the AEL Farmers Market. Y' all come and see me, dude.

[Gil]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A lot of name droppings happening. A lot of fat people going crazy to the farmers market. Amazing. Stephen, what's your love life like? Well. Who's that picture on all over?

[Jefe]

Fan of the Goonies, I think.

[Stephen Taco]

No, that's my mother.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. What, is. Is it really? It's really your mother?

[Stephen Taco]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why? Why. Why do you have that picture of your mom all over you?

[Stephen Taco]

So she called me one night, was like, oh, my God, I lost my tooth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Stephen Taco]

And so I was like, you got to send me a picture of it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Stephen Taco]

So she sent me the picture. I was like, that's the funniest shit I've ever seen in my entire life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Stephen Taco]

So she was like, do you want me to make you a T shirt? I'm like, do I?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[Stephen Taco]

And then I was at her house right before I came here. I had to drop my son off.

[Gil]

Mom.

[Stephen Taco]

And she saw what I was wearing. She's like, are you really gonna wear that shirt? I'm like, hell, yeah. She's like, isn't this on YouTube? I'm like, mom, you're about to be famous, dude. So, yeah. Shout out, mom, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, you guys. Amazing. I'm pretty sure most of the bucket pulls tonight have a mom missing a tooth. Joe De Rosa.

[Joe DeRosa]

Aside from your uncle, how many times have you been stuck?

[Stephen Taco]

Stung, dude, A bunch, dude.

[Joe DeRosa]

Like, by bees.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, does it happen a lot?

[Stephen Taco]

A lot, dude. Yeah. They don't like me. I don't know what it is. Probably me stealing all their honey.

[Joe DeRosa]

But, like, what's the most, like, you ever got stung? Like, how many?

[Stephen Taco]

You know, I got. I got stung like eight times in my hand through the glove. We got a new species, it's a Russian species and they're aggressive, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Russian bees?

[Stephen Taco]

Russian bees, dude, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Gosh, God, what could possibly go wrong?

[Stephen Taco]

But we had some Italian bees, but they're real calm, but they don't make a lot of honey. So we're like, let's get some Russians. And they are workhorses. Yeah, they're soldiers, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And they're drinking vodka, getting into bare knuckle beatboxing matches, doing Russian. Absolutely incredible. I'm surprised the Italian bees were calm.

[Stephen Taco]

Yeah, dude. They give up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you have any other kind of bees? Did you perhaps have any black bees at any point? Because I'm guessing very little honey was made that day.

[Stephen Taco]

They went out for milk, never came back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Stephen, Taco. Amazing. Stephen, what's another fun fact about your life that we would find interesting?

[Stephen Taco]

Just got out of prison.

[Scott Ramos]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like the part time beekeeper worker at riskies with a mom missing a tooth, wearing a shirt with her face all over. Just got out of prison.

[Stephen Taco]

Crazy, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible. What were you in prison for?

[Stephen Taco]

Possession of a controlled substance of methamphetamines.

[Scott Ramos]

Yeah.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You had crystal meth on you.

[Stephen Taco]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Stephen Taco]

I know. I mean, wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The apple doesn't fall far, so how much? I don't even know what quantity would be interesting, but did you have a lot of meth on you?

[Stephen Taco]

No, dude, it was. It was under a gram. It was like such a small amount. Look.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, you're just trying to get a slight little buzz on. Oh, welcome to Dallas, where you get booed for having only a little meth on you. That ain't even enough to get me high for the night. Pussy. Man, oh, man. What are you doing? Trying to get your Chihuahua high? Less than a gram.

[Martin Phillips]

Ship

[Gil]

boo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That amount of meth.

[Joe DeRosa]

By the way, there's no such thing as a little bit of meth. Yeah, that's like saying kind of rape.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. I would be deathly afraid to have even a speckle on anything. How often do you do meth, my little friend?

[Stephen Taco]

Dude, I've been sober for 15 months now. So. Now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. Look at that.

[Stephen Taco]

Thank you.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow.

[Stephen Taco]

I heard booze.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, they boost Sobriety as well here. So that was. How long were you in jail for prison?

[Stephen Taco]

About a year.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Stephen Taco]

Just a little bit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So that's what sobered you up.

[Stephen Taco]

Yeah. People ask me, like, how'd you get sober? I'm like, it's this nice state funded rehabilitation center called the Texas Department of Criminal Justice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. That'll do it. Did you have cellmates or anything like that?

[Stephen Taco]

Yeah, I had. I was in a 68 man dorm. 68 of us, all in one one dorm.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A 68 man dorm. Come down, Tony.

[Joe DeRosa]

How many times did you get stung in there?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah,

[Stephen Taco]

not that many.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So tell us, what's the highlight of the 68 man dorm? I mean, you must have stories out of the wazoo. In the wazoo, dude.

[Stephen Taco]

It was. It was to believe. Believe it or not, dude, prison's not that funny. It's actually kind of depressing, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, there must be a moment that would be compelling or interesting, though. We were just talking to a guy for 12 minutes that got stabbed in the head by his stepson. Give us a little something here. That was his actual look.

[Stephen Taco]

So actually, like, contrary to popular belief, like the prison rape thing, that's what I was worried about. Right. I'm going in there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No one wants to rape a guy who has a picture of his toothless mama.

[Stephen Taco]

But they're not raping in there, dude. They're just dude.

[Martin Phillips]

Right?

[Gil]

Yeah.

[Stephen Taco]

It's consensual.

[Scott Ramos]

Yeah.

[Stephen Taco]

People go on dates and, like, yeah, boyfriends.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I bet you half of the guys do not agree with you there,

[Scott Ramos]

but

[Stephen Taco]

the other half do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you have an anal orgasm?

[Stephen Taco]

Me? No, never.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the. What's the wackiest thing? Did you jerk off when you were in prison?

[Stephen Taco]

All the time, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So how do you do it? How do you do it without, like, other people being like, hey, stop that up there.

[Stephen Taco]

It was pretty courteous, dude. So we had like a shower list and you put your name on there, right? And so, like, even though it was like a big shower, we only went in there one at a time. And we actually had a pimp in the dorm and, like, he had like a binder full of, like, jack shots is what we called it. So it's like chicks with their titties out and stuff like that. And for two soups, you can rent one for your shower session.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you give someone two soups, they give you a waterproof proof binder.

[Stephen Taco]

It's not just a picture. So you have like a whole binder of that you can flip through and be Like, I'll take this one today. You just stick it on the wall and.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do your thing. That guy's a genius.

[Stephen Taco]

You know, it's funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That guy just eats soup all day. Sounds like an amazing gig. This was the same setup like 8th graders had when I was a kid.

[Lawton Parnell]

Chunky.

[Stephen Taco]

Well, the funny thing is, like, I had my favorites. And every now and then, be like, I think I'm gonna cheat on her tonight with this one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell y. Were you ever scrolling through the binder and you found a picture of your toothless mom in there?

[Stephen Taco]

Tony, don't talk like that. My mother's a classy woman, thank you very much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I agree.

[Stephen Taco]

Love you, Mom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I agree. You're speaking the tooth. You're speaking the tooth.

[Stephen Taco]

Hell, yeah, Dean.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Butterly. Anything else for Steven? Taco, wait. What was the sketchiest thing that happened to you? Yeah. In your time there? Great question.

[Ashley Ann Knox]

Question.

[Stephen Taco]

Look, I get along with everybody. You know how they say, like, you go in there and whoever the biggest guy is, you go in there and you punch him in his face?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. No, you go. You went in there and you gave him your soup.

[Stephen Taco]

Hell, yeah, dude. Dude, I went in there, I was like, do you want to watch a movie together or, like, have dinner tonight? I had a. I mean, I had my jail boyfriend.

[Gil]

You know what I mean?

[Stephen Taco]

Ernie. What's up, dude?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. Shout outs to Ernie. Hopefully he's getting WI fi right now at the Texas.

[Stephen Taco]

He was the biggest dude in there. And I was like, I'm gonna make sure that guy likes me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Stephen Taco. Fun set, fun interview. Very good stuff. Big joke book for you, my friend. Six years in the game. From Fort Worth, that's Stephen Taco. Back to the bucket we go. We're coming around that corner. I have two big surprises for you after this, but for now. Now let's make it your final bucket pull of the night. Goes by the name of Trenton Tebow, everybody. Trenton Tebow.

[R]

I lost my virginity to a female magician, and that really complicated sex for me after that because it's like, what do you mean your clit's not behind my ear,

[Gil]

Man?

[R]

I had some New Year's resolutions, like. Like, I wanted to storm the Capitol again. But I. I also wanted to lose, like, a little bit of weight. Like, nothing crazy. I just wanted to lose enough weight that if I heard someone yell, hey, you, fat? In public, I had the confidence to not turn around. Because. Because, like, fat's more than physical. Fat's like, a mindset as well. Cause Like, I can't see Chinese lettering without getting hungry. Like, a girl have a tattoo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You want to finish it? Girl, have a tattoo. We done?

[Albert Moreno]

Yeah.

[R]

A girl have a tattoo. And she'll say, ah, this means peace and tranquility. I'm like, nah, that's Beijing Beef.

[Albert Moreno]

I've.

[Martin Phillips]

Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Trenton Tebow, ladies and gentlemen. First time on Kiltoni.

[R]

Second.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Second. Where was the other one at Mothership. Nice. How long ago?

[R]

20, 23.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, well, welcome back. It's been a few years, obviously. Trent and Tebow, how long you been doing standup now?

[R]

Three years and change.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. So the first time you were on Kill Tony, you were very, very new.

[R]

Yeah, I was. Yeah. I was about a year in, probably.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, look at you now, man. Crushing in front of me of 8,000 people. Trenton Tebow, is this where you're from?

[R]

Yeah, I live about an hour from here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What part?

[R]

I live in Mineral Wells, but I'm in Dallas every week.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mineral Wells. Incredible. Incredible.

[Lawton Parnell]

What's the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the most meth you've ever had on you in one?

[R]

I'm. I'm way too fat for meth, dude. Yeah, I got all my teeth. We're good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perfect. I love it. Trenton, what do you do for a living?

[Scott Ramos]

Living?

[R]

I work at a restaurant.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What kind of restaurant is it?

[R]

Ah, dude, I. I just fry chicken. That's what I do.

[Jefe]

Oh,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

okay. How long you been frying chicken?

[R]

For a sad amount of time.

[Albert Moreno]

Like.

[R]

Like nine years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[R]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

John Dees has been frying it for, like, 45 years. It's incredible.

[R]

Nah, it. It's a. It's a job that allows me the flexibility to do stand up and all that. And, like, I can take off whenever I want.

[Joe DeRosa]

Really? The frying chicken job is flexible, not very demanding all the time.

[R]

No, it's not. It's fine. And if I don't show up, it's like someone else will do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mineral Wells sounds like the middle of nowhere. Yeah, it. It is, right?

[R]

Yeah, you'd be correct.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And that's where you're born and raised?

[R]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, like, what's your family like? What. What do mom and dad do?

[R]

Ah, see, my dad just got fired after 27 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you get fired from?

[R]

Well, it was budget cuts. He was the superintendent of the street department.

[Martin Phillips]

Ah.

[R]

And then my mom's a drug and alcohol counselor.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. Look at that.

[Aya]

Wow.

[Jefe]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So people end up on your dad's streets and your mom takes care of them?

[R]

Yeah, that's right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Absolutely incredible. And how many people, if you had to guess, live in mineral wells?

[R]

16,946.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. That's an exact number. That's the kind of number that tells you if you think you're thinking about moving to Mineral Wells, you gotta check in with them first. We don't wanna make it 16, 10, 47, or whatever. The Amazing Trenton tell. Give us another fun fact about you, Trenton Tebow.

[R]

Right before I was on the show, the last time, I got hit by a semi truck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Scott Ramos]

Yeah.

[Lawton Parnell]

Wow.

[R]

Yeah, I. I end up. I lost about a year's worth of memory from it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Colt McNeely]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was there anything specific that you don't remember from then that you wish you did remember?

[R]

Well, I mean, I got broken up with and then I hit her up afterwards and she was like, what the fuck do you want? I'm like, oh, okay.

[Scott Ramos]

Damn. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's like getting hit by a semi truck twice.

[R]

She got fat. It's okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. Then it's like really getting hit by a semi truck. Amazing. Hell yeah. Incredible stuff. Go ahead.

[Joe DeRosa]

I just. I. I wanted. I thought your setup was great, man. I think you're really funny.

[R]

Thank you very much.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, appreciate. Seriously, man. Yeah, that's. I just wanted to say that.

[R]

Hey, I liked your special.

[Joe DeRosa]

What's that?

[R]

I liked your special.

[Joe DeRosa]

Thank you very much.

[Scott Ramos]

Fuck.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Fuck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Trenton. I'm going to be honest with you. They. They love it when people do 10 jumping jacks for some reason. Is there any chance we can get you to do 10 jumping jacks real quick? Oh, he doesn't even say anything. This man understands the game.

[Dedrick Flynn]

2.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is kill Tony. And there he goes, ladies and gentlemen. Here's a big joke book. Trenton. Trenton Tebow, ladies and gentlemen.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I mean, what an unbelievable bucket experience we had. I have two more giant surprises for you that I don't really think you're going to believe. Why don't we start with this one? To begin, ladies and gentlemen, what can I say that I haven't said more than I've ever said anything about anyone in the history of the show. For this man is the hall of Famer with the record for most appearances ever, the most interviews ever. A living member of the Kiltoni hall of Fame, who many people refer to as the Vanilla Gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the Goliath of grand pr, The Duke of Dallas, the Mayor of Mineral Wells, ladies and gentlemen, this is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery.

[William Montgomery]

How's it going? Dallas, Texas, And also Dallas. I'm So curious. What are the chances that motherfucker was actually a lifeguard? Holy shit. That'd be like me coming out here saying I'm Ryan Flournoy of the Dallas Cowboys. Tiger woods got drunk and flew. Flipped his car over again. That guy spends more time on his back than Red Band's mom. And by the way, does anybody know, does the Easter Bunny support Israel? Don't make me call. Call my lawyer. That's an impression to me. After my teacher asked, did my dad sign the field trip permission slip? Knock, knock.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who's there?

[William Montgomery]

Prince. Prince doesn't have a last name. Man, I miss the old bet. Sources in Iran say that the new ayatollah is both stupid and gay. Red Band, I told you. Your ass is qualified for the job. Okay, that's my time. Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William. Lights up Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen.

[William Montgomery]

Wow, what's up, Tony? The energy in this room tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God. I mean, it really is something else. It really is. These people have been sitting in here for in all four hours.

[William Montgomery]

And also, Joe, a trans person didn't actually suck your dick, right? No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm kidding.

[Colt McNeely]

I'm kidding.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

I love you. I was kidding.

[Tomek Kolecki]

Okay. No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ashley Ann Knox]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[William Montgomery]

It doesn't matter.

[Jefe]

I was just.

[Joe DeRosa]

It doesn't. It sounds.

[Timmy No Breaks]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right now, no.

[William Montgomery]

Are you judging?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm not at all.

[Scott Ramos]

Okay, thank you.

[William Montgomery]

I apologize for bringing this up. I feel like it's a real thing.

[Joe DeRosa]

Be me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I will.

[Joe DeRosa]

Let me shine.

[William Montgomery]

I'm happy for you. I don't care. How's it going? Don't he.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William Montgomery trying to self destruct. His own incredible momentum. These people that love him. William, what a set it was. You're somehow the first person tonight to cover the Tiger woods at accident. A lot of topical, very fun jokes in there. Whereas normally you're making references from the 70s, 80s, 60s.

[William Montgomery]

I know you've been getting on to me recently, Tony, so I switched it up just a little tonight. And Tony, I think secretly you like it when I have the old references. I think you secretly like it. I do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love everything about you, William. You can do no wrong with me. We've watched you do more sets than any other human in the history of the show. You are a man who set a standard for what a kill. Tony Regular is supposed to be. Well, I mean, there's a thing happening here, William. They love it if people do 10 jumping jacks. There's something going on here in Dallas.

[William Montgomery]

Okay, should I do 10 jumping jack?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, you want to do 10 for us?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Throw that mic in the mic stand. They'll do the counting for you here. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen. Representing the cowboys, William Montgomery. Doing 10. 1, 2, 3, 4, 6. The crowd goes absolutely wild. This show is insane. Joe, Dera Rosa, somehow your jumping jacks

[Joe DeRosa]

were worse than Martin's.

[Marco Garcia]

Were they?

[William Montgomery]

I know.

[Stephen Taco]

Well.

[William Montgomery]

And oh, my gosh, hold on. On the way over here, we stopped at a Buc EE's. And for those that don't know, you actually get the beaver nuggets. If you want a really good dessert, you put a bunch of whole milk in a thing and you put the beaver nuggets and eat them like cereal. Just a little, little tip for anybody. It's the best kind of cereal there is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

And I'll be doing it tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony, that is a great, great tip.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, put your beaver nuggets in cereal tonight. I'm going to mess around with the cinnamon sugar version, so I'm really excited about that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. That's actual advice.

[William Montgomery]

I think it's going to be a little bit like capping crunch, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have the humans on your side when you amp up like that. What else at Buc EE's excites you that much?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, probably a little beef chucky, Tony. You know, my ass is talking about the pepper beef to day. And also the dark chocolate raises. Tony.

[Aya]

Whoa.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, I gotta figure out my A1C situation, so I'm on the dark chocolate right now.

[Joe DeRosa]

By the way, Tony, didn't think your cereal recipe sounded tasty until you changed beaver to captain. God damn it. I thought that was funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's hard to do gay jokes on a straight man. It's hard to do K jokes on a straight guy after everyone knows you got your dick sucked by a dude, bro.

[William Montgomery]

And, Joe, I brought it up because I was confirming. I don't care at all. I love you. You've always been so nice to me. It was nothing bad.

[Joe DeRosa]

I love you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I know it was nothing bad.

[William Montgomery]

I was just like, damn, dude.

[Stephen Taco]

Like, holy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William, how about in this.

[Martin Phillips]

Let me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's get back to Buc EE's. How it fires you up a little bit here, William, because the crowd is really with you. We have a little momentum here. What do you like in the sandwich

[William Montgomery]

department at Bucky's Sandwich department, Tony? It's a little weird because I think it's a little kind of. Not everybody does this, but I really love the veggie burrito, Tony. And I say the veggie burrito. Because I really do love Buc EE's, but I'm not gonna eat chicken or beef at Buc EE's, Tony. It really ticking quality.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[William Montgomery]

It's really horrible quality.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, we've seen this before. He is turning on the crowd. He's going anti meat in the heart of Texas.

[William Montgomery]

Ate the meat from there, Tony. And the vegetables are just subpar. I actually don't even really like it there, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God, William.

[William Montgomery]

And you look like a clown. Red pan in your bucket. You look like a Make a Wish person.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We love Bucky. Whoa, whoa. Look out. Derosa's getting hard. Wow, William. You really do love BUC EE's, though.

[William Montgomery]

I know. I was kidding. And I also was thinking. Your mom actually has a tail red band. I was hitting it from the back last night. I'm thinking, what is this saying? She says something called a vestigial tail.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Incredible. Is there one more thing that you can grace us with that you love at Buc EE's before we let you go, William?

[William Montgomery]

Probably the caffeinated things you put in your mouth today. Wow. I don't know what they're called.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a very broad answer. Yeah, you mean coffee?

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. I think. I think he screamed a little too much. Sometimes the blood gets into his head. What you're seeing is a real artist who's done it more than anyone else in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, the legend, William Montgomery, everybody. Now, I know what you're thinking. That's William, the hall of famer. That's where the show normally ends. What could Tony possibly have brought for us here in Dallas, Texas, that could possibly end a show over William Montgomery. What could it possibly be? And I present to you the only human being, even above William, above red band, above everybody, who I let take full control when he's on the show. It's a very rare treat. He doesn't do a minute every week. He has to prepare mentally, physically. A super talent unlike anyone in the 13 years of Killzoni. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you an anomaly. For this is Timmy Nobr.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Relax, gay guy. Jesus Christ. So I. I watched Kill Tone for the first time. And one word. Boring. Hyphen. Gay. Very gay. So I hired an editor to edit my part of the episode to make it more exciting. Okay? And we're gonna be having visual effects going on behind me, so. One sec. So everything I describe during my minute, pretend like you're seeing it because we're gonna add it in post. Okay, start the timer. Red band. No red band. Start the timer.

[Scott Ramos]

Charge.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Figuring the out of this,

[Jefe]

just giving

[Timmy No Breaks]

it to her, right? And she wasn't coming. So I was like, God damn, what makes you bitches come? What the hell is going on? So I flip her around, I start fisting this bitch.

[William Montgomery]

This.

[Timmy No Breaks]

You see a pussy here? I'm going in. I mean, I'm wearing this bitch like a Rolex. Still no cum. So I come around to eat her ass. Ass. Now you are going to be seeing a CGI avatar, James Cameron level. So I get down, I start talking Na' Vi to this, right? I'm like, Still not coming. So I'm like, all right, God damn, we gotta set the mood, right? So I throw up. FBI crime statistics organized by race. This one's not surprising, right? It's black people or whatever. So then she's really hot and bothered, right? Because she's a racist bitch. So I pick her up. She's fucking going up and down like bitcoin. And just like the bubble, she bursts. So I set that bitch down. I'm like, bitch, my turn. I just fucking piss all over her face. And just at this point, just imagine you've seen ISIS beheading video.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go to.

[Stephen Taco]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Timmy, no breaks. Yet again.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Changing the parameters, rewriting the game. We thought we might hit a wall after 13 years. And then we are blessed, graced by the presence of greatness. Timmy, no breaks. All gas, no brakes. With a green screen, ladies and gentlemen. And a green stool. Keep it up. No, keep it up.

[Colt McNeely]

No, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Keep it up.

[Timmy No Breaks]

No, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Keep it up. For the interview. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. No, I want you to keep it up because I've noticed that you've had a giant amount of dicks behind you lately. What's going on with all the penises, Timmy?

[Timmy No Breaks]

I don't know what's going on with you having the same guests every episode? No offense, guys, honestly, no offense, I. I like you guys, but you gotta.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You want to do panels sometime?

[Timmy No Breaks]

Yeah, I do panel.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Well, there you go. There's breaking news, Timmy. No Break's panel debut coming soon. I'm sorry that two of the best comedians in the world isn't good enough.

[Timmy No Breaks]

It's just that, you know, I'm trying to make.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shut the up. You shut the up. You shut the up.

[Timmy No Breaks]

You cut that. Cut that. That was gay.

[Joe DeRosa]

No, I like that.

[Timmy No Breaks]

No, no, you. You get your dick sucked by trans people. You keep that to yourself, Joe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You want to be just like Joe. Getting your dick sucked By a guy. There's a trans person walking up right behind you right now, Timmy.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Tim, can you do me a favor and just put this on? Yeah, just put that on, Tim. Just throw that on, Tim.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My goodness.

[Timmy No Breaks]

We need a more exciting guest, you know what I mean? I mean, come on.

[Colt McNeely]

Come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So who's next?

[Timmy No Breaks]

Holy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's Kevin Hart.

[Scott Ramos]

Holy.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did you ban Kevin?

[Timmy No Breaks]

That's crazy. Hey, say something, Kevin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I don't know.

[Timmy No Breaks]

No, you got to sound more urban. He's black. Sound more urban.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sit lower in your chair.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Hey, Kevin, why don't you do that joke that where you say the N word five times? Why don't you do that? Yeah, just rip that joke, Kev.

[Joe DeRosa]

Dick.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Perfect.

[Colt McNeely]

I don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've never had anyone do green face on the show before. This is very exciting.

[Lawton Parnell]

Oh,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Timmy, I don't know if you know the theme of the night, but

[Joe DeRosa]

listen, people, people, just imagine Timmy doing jumping jacks on this green screen right now.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Yeah. Yep. What is jumping jack? Your fucking boyfriend, Gay guy. Well, I'm not doing jumping jacks. We're gonna add that out. No, I was saying that all this is actually very expensive. So I gotta do a quick ad read for this toothbrush that hasn't come out yet. And you're gonna help me, Tony. You're gonna do the product demonstration and then we're gonna add the toothbrush in after words.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no, no, no, no.

[Timmy No Breaks]

And then we're going to add it in.

[Gil]

It's going to be.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Tone, Tone, I need to pay for this. Okay, you don't pay us, I got to pay for this.

[Ashley Ann Knox]

All right,

[Timmy No Breaks]

Shut the up to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got to do this.

[Timmy No Breaks]

I need a make the money. Come on. Play, get. Play ball. Here we go. Introducing dent.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm not rubbing a dildo up against my teeth.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Timmy, don't have to do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. Well, I was excited about it.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Yeah, don't worry about it. Okay, can everybody cheer on Tone for being a team player?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I wonder what this could possibly be after the cream.

[Timmy No Breaks]

A toothbrush.

[Tomek Kolecki]

Tone.

[Timmy No Breaks]

I needed something that was green and the same size. That's all I could find. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's quite the girthy toothbrush, Timmy.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Introducing dentabrush. At 10 inches, it can clean those hard to reach places in the back of your throat. So just put it in your mouth when you brushing. When you finish brushing, just squeeze the spheres at the base of the toothbrush to ejaculate it. So just touch the spheres.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, what?

[Timmy No Breaks]

Dental brush is great for travel because it fits perfectly in your ass. So shove it up your ass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right. Red pan. Very good.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Dental brush. Get your plaque blown out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Beautiful. That's really, really stuck on there.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Do it in post.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We'll do it in post.

[Joe DeRosa]

I can't believe out of everybody on the panel, I'm the only one that didn't get to touch that thing.

[Colt McNeely]

Touch it.

[Jefe]

Oh, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It landed in Derosa's ass.

[Timmy No Breaks]

I'm gonna be honest. This is boring.

[Joe DeRosa]

Touched my mouth for like a split second.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It did?

[Tomek Kolecki]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now I'm instantly thinking about someone pausing it on YouTube and catching where it was resting on my lip for a second.

[Marco Garcia]

Guys, please be cool about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Timmy, what do you want to tell Dallas, Texas, before we get out of here? Give him some parting words here.

[Timmy No Breaks]

I need to say something to. The girl that I was talking about in that minute was your ex girlfriend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Timmy No Breaks]

And she's actually here tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, very good.

[Timmy No Breaks]

That's crazy, guys. Get the out of here. Get the out of here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Timmy No Breaks]

No, no, just leave it. Just leave it. Get the out of here. I'm gonna bring out your ex girlfriend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Okay. Come on out. Here she comes. Yeah. Look at her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Look at that.

[R]

Hot.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Look at that. Hot. Look at that. Look at this. Sexy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Oh, yeah. Look at those tits. Oh, Tom, does this make you jealous?

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Timmy No Breaks]

It's good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Such a long time. It's so good.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Dance, baby. Look at the dance.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Is this making you mad?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. I'm so jealous. I can't believe you brought out my ultra hot.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Oh, my God. I'm giving it to your girl. That's crazy. I love you, baby. I miss your so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Aya]

Nice.

[Timmy No Breaks]

She's happier with me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make sure she doesn't trip over the green screen that's right behind her left foot.

[Timmy No Breaks]

No, she's going to be fine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She right.

[Timmy No Breaks]

She's a dancing girl.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Hey, why didn't you say something, babe?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I get what.

[Tomek Kolecki]

No,

[Timmy No Breaks]

no, no, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She squirted everywhere.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Okay. That was great. I love you, sweetheart.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's a thing right behind you.

[R]

Martin.

[Timmy No Breaks]

Yeah, we're doing the post. Do it in post. We'll do it in post. All right. Good job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Watch. Watch out for the thing.

[Aya]

Help.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Help him over that, please. For the love of God. X is a guy. Timmy, no breaks. You rewrite the way that kil Tony is evolving every appearance that you have. How loud can this place get for the great Timmy? No breaks. Ladies and gentlemen. I think you guys got a full show tonight. Did you guys have a good time. How about in the upper deck up there? Do you guys have a good time? How about the lower area? Did you guys have a good time? How about one more time for the great Tim Butterley, ladies and gentlemen.

[Colt McNeely]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And one more time for the great Joe Derosa, everybody. Red band. I'll be in San Diego July 9th through the 11th at the American Comedy Company with Pat O' Neal and Rachel Wolfson. Vegas, Los Angeles and New York City all on the way. Those are our only stops other than Austin, Texas. Keep an eye on it, ladies and gentlemen. We love you. God bless Dallas, Texas. God bless Texas. And God bless the United States of America. Thank you. We love you. Good night, everybody.