KILL TONY #773 - FRANCISCO RAMOS + DERRICK STROUP

Summary

KILL TONY #773 – FRANCISCO RAMOS + DERRICK STROUP
Recorded June 23, 2026 | Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX

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Overview

This episode of Kill Tony features the return of veteran stand-up Francisco Ramos and the debut of Derrick Stroup as panel guests. Host Tony Hinchcliffe, co-host Brian Redban, and the house band set the scene for a wild night as comedians pull their names from the bucket to perform a one-minute set, followed by rapid-fire interviews and roasts. The show spotlights both new up-and-comers and seasoned regulars, blending stand-up, crowd work, and improvisational chaos. Notably, this episode features a heartwarming impromptu fundraiser for a struggling comic and the elevation of a standout regular to the guest panel.

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Featured Guests

• Francisco Ramos: LA comedy veteran, last appeared 8-9 years ago, recently released special “Still Learning.”
• Derrick Stroup: Denver-born, Alabama-raised, “Nostalgic” special on Netflix, making his Kill Tony debut.
• Tony Hinchcliffe: Host, sharp-tongued and quick on the roast.
• Brian Redban: Co-host, master of sound effects and awkward zingers.
• House Band: Kill Tony Band (notable for wild musical cues and onstage antics).

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Key Discussion Points and Memorable Segments

1. Opening Remarks + Housekeeping

• New microphones, Sweetwater Audio thanked for upgrades.
• Tony and Redban introduce the format: 1-minute sets, then interviews. [02:20]
• “Tonight is special – two of the best comedians in the world, both with hot new specials.” – Tony Hinchcliffe [02:28]

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2. Regular Hans Kim Kicks Off [05:19–11:03]

• Hans delivers a topical set on UFC at the White House, politics, Jewish conspiracies, and petrol prices.
• Admits to losing a tooth due to basketball and vaping—band and hosts riff on his dental woes.
• Francisco Ramos: "How do you look more Asian now?" [08:11]
• Memorable banter: “Can you put it back in now?” – Tony [10:44], “May I please have some spaghetti?” – Hans, lisping through tooth gap [10:49]
• Sets the energy for the night: truthful oversharing and relentless roasting.

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3. The Bucket Pulls: Stand-Up + Interviews

a) Dan Siegel [11:43–19:25]

• Rambling, scattered set about crowd participation and relationships.
• Hard-to-follow story of how he got frostbite, hosts grow increasingly frustrated:
  • “How did you get frostbite on your fingers?” – Tony, several times [15:34–18:44]
  • “This is more disgusting than anything I've ever seen in my life.” – Tony [14:36]
• Conclusion: Dan is gently kicked off, roast continues after. “You suck, Dan.” – Tony [18:53]

b) Kimberly Koester [21:16–31:11]

• Self-deprecating material about being an older woman, living with her sons.
• Candid about sexlessness, vaginal dryness (“vaginal atrophy”), and no longer going to the doctor. “It's like if you set a chicken cutlet out on the kitchen counter.” – Kimberly [27:42]
• Hosts joke about “dry vagina specialist” Redban, elaborate on oversharing: “He is a dry vagina correspondent on this show.” – Tony [27:12]
• Encouraged to keep pursuing comedy, receives a joke book.

c) Jake Palfi [32:00–40:28]

• Talks about his “blue-haired, gay, liberal mom” being his only barber, the transition to producing shows.
• Reveals financial struggles: “Before getting paid, I had nothing.”
• Girlfriend is a therapist – “She tells me everything I'm doing wrong.” [38:54]
• Derrick lauds him: “Four years in, producing shows, you’re doing it right.”

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4. Impromptu Fundraiser: Daniel Velasquez [42:03–54:53]

• Daniel, comic with cerebral palsy, jokes about being gifted a massage parlor appointment post-breakup.
• Tony learns he’s recently unemployed, $-58 in his bank account.
• Unprecedented Moment:
  • Band, panel, and audience pool cash; Daniel receives $745 and a Waffle House gift card.
  • “This is the first time in Kill Tony history we’ve done a fundraiser.” – Tony [51:14]
  • “Damn, I have enough for full service now.” – Daniel [53:57]

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5. Notable Regulars and Performers

a) Aya [55:57–62:04]

• Jokes about a schizophrenic friend, n-word, and addiction.
• Pitches “red bottom grippy socks” for Pilates to Christian Louboutin.
• Derrick Stroup: “When you have these big hitting jokes, but you're small and unassuming, it’s fun to watch.” [61:25]
• Tony: “You're fantastic. Everybody loves you. You're on the rise. One of the young rising comedians in the world.” [62:00]

b) Holly [62:10–67:53]

• "Goth Jew" persona; recently injured delivering Taco Bell for DoorDash.
• Used to strip, considered OnlyFans, received offers for “taxidermied iguana for feet pics.”
• Planning a career change to behavioral therapy.

c) Aiden McClusky [68:03–75:06]

• Explores men's mental health, suicide hotline calls, and dark humor.
• Shaky hands (lingering withdrawal side effect), supports old men for work.
• Derrick: “Dynamite joke writer, seven years in, hell of a joke writer.” [70:44]

d) Paulina Perez [75:36–82:44]

• Bi Mexican woman, two months into stand-up, riffs on circumcision, strip club tryout, and AI writing job.
• “You have to be circumcised... when I go down there, I don’t want to see the head pop out like... that’s what it looks like, fellas.” [76:46]
• Reveals she’s a duck hunter, writes on AI policy, philosophy, and Dave Chappelle.

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6. Highlights and Panel Chemistry

• Redban’s Unfiltered Zingers: Frequent, crude one-liners (dry vaginas, tampons lost during sex), balance between groans and roars of laughter.
• Derrick & Francisco’s Chemistry: Derrick is quick with down-home roast energy, Francisco adds sharp wit. Both are generous with advice and encouragement.
• Inclusivity & Accessibility: Open celebration of comics with disabilities and diverse backgrounds, balancing roast with support (ex: fundraise for Daniel Velasquez).
• Wild Interview Moments:
  • Mark Cunningham rambles about “intercourse” with Tony, confused set, roasted by all. [83:36–88:50]
  • Jimmy Fontaine, Atlanta-based, actor/stuntman for Tyler Perry projects, reveals military background, bachelor's degree. “I pay my bills on time too – that’s the whitest thing about me!” [96:23]
  • Gets playfully grilled about cat ownership, “You didn’t know cats clean themselves?!” – Francisco [99:24]
• Panel & Crowd Giveaways: Joke books handed to each performer, warm encouragement, sometimes mixed with savage roast.

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7. The Night Closes – Two Standout Minutes

a) Miles Johnson [101:27–111:31]

• Door guy, regular, gifted writer; delivers imaginative, provocative jokes on “white slavery,” immersive character work.
• Tony: “You’re so funny... I’m going to award you a panel position on a future episode.” [111:08]
• Shares infamous “pedophile joke” at Tony’s urging, crowd loves it.

b) Pat O’Neill [112:33–118:58]

• The “undisputed, undefeated, most powerful regular,” closes with character-driven, dark, killer material (butt plugs, blowjobs, plan B+).
• Talks new podcast, upcoming shows, and touring.
  “Ray Guitards” podcast, “I don’t want people looking at my face.”

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Notable Quotes

• Tony (On Panel Chemistry):
  “It’s amazing what you can do when given a magical opportunity like this.” [90:52]
• Derrick (to Aiden):
  “Seven years in, this guy’s a dynamite joke writer.” [70:44]
• Redban (on Kimberly's Dryness):
  “He is a dry vagina specialist, not a lot of people know that, but...” [27:12]
• Tony (on Daniel's fundraiser):
  “The first time in Kill Tony history... we’ve done a fundraiser.” [51:14]
• Francisco (encouraging Paulina):
  “Two months in, getting up in front of this audience, that's extremely brave.” [81:16]
• Tony (to Miles):
  “You're... so funny... I'm going to award you a panel position on an upcoming episode.” [111:08]
• Derrick (to Pat O’Neill):
  “The joke writing’s next-level.” [114:32]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 05:19 Hans Kim Stand-up & Interview
• 11:43 Dan Siegel Bucket Pull (Frostbite)
• 21:16 Kimberly Koester (Sex in her 50s / Dryness)
• 32:00 Jake Palfi (Therapist Girlfriend, Broke Comic Life)
• 42:03 Daniel Velasquez (Handjob Story + Fundraiser)
• 55:57 Aya (Mushrooms, N-word, Schizophrenia)
• 62:10 Holly (Goth Jew, DoorDash Injury)
• 68:03 Aiden McClusky (Men’s Mental Health, Shaky Guy)
• 75:36 Paulina Perez (Bi Mexican, AI Job)
• 83:36 Mark Cunningham (Confused Set, Tulsa Jokes)
• 89:30 Jimmy Fontaine (Atlanta Life, Army, Cat Owner)
• 101:27 Miles Johnson (White Slavery Bit, Promoted to Panelist)
• 112:33 Pat O’Neill (Blowjob Jokes, New Podcast "Ray Guitards")

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Final Notes

• Themes: Community support, comic vulnerability, savage encouragement, absurd honesty, and boundary-pushing humor.
• Memorable Moments: First-ever on-stage cash fundraiser; Tony elevates Miles to a future guest panel spot; a cavalcade of crowd misfits; Redban’s relentless gross-out jokes.

This episode ran the full spectrum of Kill Tony's style—from chaotic crowd work to supportive moments and unforgettable laughs—cementing its reputation as the wildest, most unpredictable live comedy podcast on the planet.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever. Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Fredman coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony.

[B]

It's.

[C]

Who's ready for the best night of their fucking lives, huh? Yee McKins of Brian Riffing, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, lordy.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, my God. How about one more time for the best damn band in all the land. The Kill Tony band. Huevos rancheros, Tres leches.

[E]

On the horns, the great and powerful Carlos Sosa. Fernando Castillo and Raul Vallejo.

[C]

Michael Gonzalez on the drums, the great Matt Muling on the electric, John Dees on the keys. And believe it or not, that is D madness. The real D madness. Live in the flesh. What an episode we have.

[E]

We have new microphones thanks to Sweetwater Audio, the great Ted Schaefer giving us new wirings and stuff. And we have a hell of an episode ready for you. You guys excited to be here?

[C]

Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that

[E]

made it all possible tonight. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what?

[C]

Let's do it.

[E]

You know, sometimes it's booked this way, sometimes it's booked, booked that way. What I love about tonight is it's two guests.

[C]

One of them is, I mean, well, both of them are two of the best stand up comedians in the world and we haven't had them on in

[E]

a very long time.

[C]

It's somebody's first time and it's been, I think eight or nine years since our other homie was on it. Both of them have two of the newest specials out on Netflix, Amazon, Apple, YouTube. Absolutely everywhere. Make some noise for two of the best in the world. It's Derek Stroop and Francisco Ramos.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

Up.

[C]

Let's go. Hey, Derek. Welcome. Francisco Ramos. Hey, Derek. Has one of the biggest specials on Netflix, Nostalgic out now.

[E]

How about a hand for Derek Stroop

[C]

making his Kill Tony debut. Going to have some fun tonight. And the great Francisco Ramos, who I

[E]

started with 19 plus years ago at the Comedy Store as door Guys is here. He's back on Kiltoni for the first time in, I think, eight years or so. Welcome, Francis.

[G]

We're doing it.

[E]

We're really doing it. Francisco.

[G]

That's my Tony.

[H]

I'm doing it.

[E]

We're gonna have a lot of fun tonight. Derek, it's your first time, so maybe you don't know, but over 250 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity to be on this show tonight. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood be, which just interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview with them. We all find out more about them live on the spot. They have no idea they're going on stage until right before they get up here, I'm gonna let this innocent little Make a wish, gay soccer player pull the first name.

[C]

You guys are bumping each other like you knew I was gonna say that, huh? Would you call them a gay soccer. Tony's gonna say, you look like a gay soccer player. You're spot on. You know my brand very well. Predictable punchlines by Tony Hinchcliffe. Seen a few of those. Seen a few of those reviews this week, by the way. Had to make some edits thanks to

[E]

our friends over at Netflix, and gave

[C]

myself a little joke book after my

[E]

special release this week.

[C]

So fuck all of you. I hate you. I'm an artist that takes incredible risks.

[E]

You can all suck my fat cock. Anyway, while we go wrangle that first

[C]

bucket pool, we have one of our

[E]

greatest regulars ever here to set the

[C]

tone for the show with a brand new minute.

[E]

Make some noise. Sing along if you know the words. Ladies and gentlemen, the return of one

[C]

of the greatest regulars ever here, blessing us with a brand new minute just to show us how it's done. Make some noise for the great Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen.

[I]

Hey, it's great to watch the UFC at the White House. Love watching people beat the out of each other. That close to Nancy Pelosi, hoping she would wander in. Can't wait for next year when we can play pickleball at the Vatican. But, yeah, I'm working out right now because I have no ass. Yeah, sucks having no ass. My underwear is touching my butthole right now. I sat on a quarter. It penetrated me. Yeah, we are at war right now with Iran. We've won four times already. Now, when the Epstein list dropped, everyone in a third world country was like, oh no, they're going to need a distraction. And the Jews were like, oh, good, they're going to need a distraction. A lot of people call Trump a Nazi. What kind of Nazi goes to war for the Jews? I wish she was a Nazi. Maybe gas. It'll be $5 a gallon right now.

[E]

All right, that's my time.

[I]

Thank you so much.

[C]

Hans Kim with some very topical references.

[E]

Fresh off of last night's UFC at the White House. And indeed a never ending rounds and rounds of war with. Welcome, Hans. How you feeling?

[I]

Thank you, Tony. It's great to be here. I watched the UFC at the White House on my tv.

[E]

Oh, wow.

[I]

Worse than your seat?

[E]

Yes, indeed. I was right there, right in the action. It was a lot of fun. You've been to live ufcs before, though.

[I]

Yes. I famously was not paying attention when someone got knocked out.

[E]

Were you on your phone?

[I]

I was just zoning out.

[E]

Oh, okay. What. What fight was that? Do you remember?

[I]

It was Leon Edwards when he upset Kamaru Usman.

[E]

Oh, wow. You missed that one.

[I]

Yeah. You were in it. You were.

[C]

Yeah, I pay attention when I'm in the front row of a ufc, especially the main event.

[E]

It's a big thing not to. Not to miss it. That's kind of the whole point.

[I]

Sorry, Tony.

[E]

Apology accepted, Hans. What else is going on in life, pal?

[I]

I'm missing a tooth.

[E]

Oh, really?

[I]

Yeah.

[E]

Oh, what happened? Yeah, show us.

[C]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Let me. Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, this is why we love him. He over shares. He has no problem looking like a complete psycho. Francisco, what do you think about this?

[J]

Look.

[G]

How do you look more Asian now.

[A]

That's backwards age.

[K]

You can get rid of some ramen with that gas, my man.

[C]

Oh, yeah, suck it all right up in one big

[K]

well, whistle something. Don't stand there.

[E]

Ain't that the truth?

[G]

How. How. What happened?

[I]

Oh, I got elbowed in the face playing basketball 12, 12 years ago.

[E]

Oh, my God. That's what you talk like with a tooth missing. He sounds like a totally different

[K]

whole new version of linsanity here.

[E]

You haven't. You haven't learned how to talk since it got knocked out. 20. You always have that thing in.

[I]

It's been since January.

[E]

So what's going on? Why don't you go to a dentist?

[I]

It got infected, so they took it out and they're going to put an implant in, but the bone has to grow, so.

[E]

Oh, my God.

[I]

Because I vaped too much.

[E]

You vaped too much? Oh, My God.

[I]

And so the bone didn't set, so they had to do it again. So I was supposed to get it done in April, but now it's June.

[C]

Wow.

[E]

And it's because it's infected.

[I]

It got infected. Now it's not infected.

[L]

Whoa.

[G]

Is this what you tell girls?

[I]

Yeah, I'm not affected.

[E]

When you're like, let me eat your pussy.

[A]

Fuck it.

[E]

Clip right in between these two teeth.

[G]

Do you take it off before you eat the pussy or like, you keep it?

[I]

I think I would keep it in just in case I pop back up. You don't want to be like, oh, I lost it in there.

[C]

Yeah, exactly.

[E]

Just thinking. No doubt about it.

[G]

That was some good.

[A]

That's a bad.

[E]

So 20 years ago when it happened, you had an implant put in.

[I]

Yeah. What is it called? A crown.

[E]

Right.

[I]

The root died.

[E]

Yes, that is what it's called. And so then how did the crown fall out?

[I]

Oh, it got infected.

[H]

Oh.

[E]

Just a lot of mouth infections. Incredible. Your DMS are going to be lit after this.

[C]

Just the nastiest women in the world.

[B]

Hey.

[I]

Tastes different.

[E]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[A]

Kimchi.

[I]

God.

[C]

Oh, you are a nasty boy, Hans.

[I]

Can I put it back in now?

[C]

Right up, right, Right after you say,

[E]

may I please have some spaghetti?

[I]

May I please have some spaghetti?

[C]

Oh, my God.

[E]

Yeah, you could put it back in.

[I]

Thank you, Tony.

[E]

Now, now say, may I please have some spaghetti?

[I]

May I please have some spaghetti?

[C]

Incredible, Hans. Way to get things started tonight. He's a legend on this show. There goes Hans Kim. And now we go to the bucket, people. This is it. This is where it really starts. The eye of the storm where we meet people. Anything can happen. Could be the next big talent of the world. Could be an insane person. Might be a 20 year veteran. Could be somebody's first set. Anything can happen. We're going to meet them all together. The whole thing's crazy. Makes noise. For first bucketful, it's Dan Siegel, everybody. Dan Siegel.

[M]

You guys do rock. Just. You are the Death band in this land. I want you guys to realize, I want you guys all to turn to each other, no matter who you're with, your mom, your dad, your sister, your brother, and look at each other, right? I need crowd participation. Just look at each other. Have you ever looked at each other? All right, so if you had looked at each other deeply in the eyes, which you guys are not like, don't look at me, look at each other. I'm not fucking around. I need your help. All right, fine, whatever. But if you did look at Each other. The thought would be in my head, man, I have no idea how many people you have fucked up at all. Think about it. You go to bed every single night with somebody if you're not me. And. And you go, man, I banged this guy. Chick, dad, mom, whatever. Every night.

[E]

And they stole.

[M]

Sucks.

[G]

Thank you.

[E]

All right.

[C]

Dan Siegel.

[M]

Yes, sir.

[C]

Okay. You did basically nothing. You complimented the band. Hey, very good. Well, exciting to have.

[M]

My dad said, too, so you're not wrong.

[E]

All right, good.

[M]

How you doing?

[E]

It's good to have an alcoholic little league umpire here tonight.

[C]

Fantastic. You look fantastic, Dan.

[E]

You look great. You've been rolling around in lava or something. What's happening here?

[M]

You know, for some reason, people. I'm from New Hampshire, so people are like, dude, you look really fucking tan.

[E]

I'm like, son, okay, very good. Let's check.

[K]

I know a man that just got off a roof when I see one.

[C]

Yeah, exactly. No, you don't.

[K]

Yeah, yeah. Well, that sun's not on accident. You've been somewhere hammering. I can tell you that you have

[C]

homeless energies, without a doubt, Dan.

[D]

What the.

[C]

That's homeless.

[M]

I get this all the time. I'm a skateboarder.

[A]

Sorry.

[G]

So we got to talk about the homeless.

[E]

I can't see the shoes. What do we got here?

[M]

Here we go.

[K]

You got to check out the gospel 2000 right there.

[E]

I mean, incredible.

[C]

Dan, let's talk about your life.

[E]

Dan, how old are you?

[M]

29.

[C]

No, you're not.

[K]

Oh, I believe it.

[G]

There's no way. Seriously, Dan, 29 years working at a gas station.

[M]

I'll be 15. I'll be 50 in August.

[E]

Okay. How long have you been attempting stand up comedy?

[H]

Since October.

[E]

Okay, what made you start in October?

[K]

There was no r. Don't you dare

[M]

try to mimic me.

[E]

Okay? Answer the questions, Sarah.

[M]

I apologize. Comedy rules. I mean, I've loved it since I was a kid. I've watched everybody for Rodney To. To. To.

[E]

Okay, we got it.

[C]

All right.

[E]

What have you been doing for a living this whole time, Dan?

[M]

So I'm just getting over frostbite, huh?

[G]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Can we get Hans's tooth back out here? This is more disgusting than anything I've ever seen in my life.

[M]

No, dude, these look good. Like, my fingers are legitimately black.

[C]

Wow.

[K]

No, no, we.

[A]

We.

[K]

I can't tell you how much we never believed somebody more in. In my life, but I'm a little pissed that you got offended at the roofer joke and you don't have fang.

[C]

I Can't use a.

[K]

No, no, no.

[A]

That's crazy. That's crazy. That's great for you to be like, hey, you're out of line with the.

[K]

And you go, hey, I lost my hands.

[M]

No, I'm lucky I didn't. I can't use a nail gun.

[K]

It's.

[M]

I used to roof, though.

[E]

All right? Everything you do sucks. So, like, leave that second like you're going to be funny part out when you're answering the questions.

[N]

Yes, sir.

[E]

And we'll. We'll get to the other good stuff.

[M]

I'm sorry.

[E]

Like he's doing and we're all doing here. So, Dan, let's get it right into it, all right? How did you get frostbite all over your fingers?

[M]

So I was ending a relationship in New Hampshire, and I was.

[C]

That's it. That's the answer, everybody. Don't ever break up with your New Hampshire girlfriend or your fingers fall off. Everybody seal.

[G]

What the.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

All right.

[M]

I feel like I need to explain my shoes, too. Like, I went on a job interview today, and the interviewer wasn't there, so I got stuck in this bullshit.

[E]

No one's talking about your shoes, Dan. Answer the question about your fucking missing fingers.

[M]

They're not missing. They're here. They're short. And I'm a bass player, so that kind of sucks.

[E]

Okay, back to the question.

[H]

All right.

[E]

How'd you get frostbite?

[M]

So I was flying back from here to New Hampshire like, every other week, ending a relationship, talking to my daughters, being like, hey, man, this is what I want to do. I'm following a dream. They're like, dad, you're a idiot. Like, go for it, dude.

[C]

Answer the question about the frostbite on your fingers.

[E]

Do nothing else.

[B]

All right.

[C]

I get to the part where the cold shit starts happening.

[K]

Yeah. Are you holding a block of ice?

[G]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[M]

The cold shit started when I was a kid, but I kept falling in snow.

[G]

Wait, what?

[M]

Over and repeatedly.

[C]

Dude, how did you get frostbite, bro?

[O]

I had.

[M]

All right, so I caught hypothermia looking for a job in Nashua.

[I]

When you.

[M]

When you get hypothermia, you're gonna have to give me a minute. Hold on a second. It's not.

[C]

No, we already gave you a minute, and it felt like 10.

[G]

I'm having hypothermia right now.

[M]

Do you want me to answer it?

[K]

Do we.

[A]

Oh, you've gone around your elbow to

[K]

get to your man.

[M]

Backside elbow flip. So I caught hypothermia, which means your blood Isn't pumping.

[C]

We know what hypothermia is.

[M]

Are you sure?

[C]

Dan, you're ruining this interview.

[H]

You.

[E]

This could be good.

[C]

You idiot.

[E]

Answer the question about the frostbite.

[C]

Get to the frostbite.

[M]

I caught hypothermia. I ended up in the thicket of, like, pine trees in the middle of a highway.

[E]

There it is.

[M]

I was exhausted, and I kept falling down, and I knew that if I didn't stand up, I would die. But I didn't have my hands covered, and the snow cap kept getting it and getting it in Boston Medical Center.

[E]

Okay, okay. I'm gonna take over here as the. As the interviewer of the show for 13 years. And you are a hard interview, Dan.

[C]

You are tough.

[E]

It's okay. Don't say anything at this part. But here. Here's a very specific question, and it's gonna have a very specific answer. Dan, look at me. Look at me. You're doing everything wrong. Look at me. Look at me. There you go. So how do you get in the snow? We understand you're going through a breakup. This, that, Going back and forth from New Hampshire to. Who gives a.

[M]

That's what I was trying to tell you.

[E]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Nothing that you were saying as any part.

[M]

I caught hypothermia and. Because my heart.

[E]

How did you catch hypothermia?

[M]

Because I was looking for a job on the street.

[G]

Oh, my.

[C]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[A]

Dan.

[E]

What the wrong with you, dude?

[M]

What, man?

[A]

Why were you in the forest?

[J]

Yes.

[C]

There you go.

[E]

There's.

[C]

We. We can get more specific if you want. Dan. Answer the question, Dan.

[G]

So.

[J]

What.

[C]

Why were you in the forest, Dan?

[M]

Because. Oh, my God. I was. I caught hypotherm.

[C]

Nope, you're done.

[J]

Good.

[C]

Put the mic back in the mic Sim. Put the mic back in the mic Sim. You suck, Dan.

[A]

That's great.

[C]

This is, like, a question that any normal human can answer. Answer.

[M]

I was trying to answer.

[G]

No, no.

[K]

It was, like, the worst episode of Cops.

[C]

Yeah, exactly. I mean, where are your favorites?

[A]

I. I caught hypothermia.

[C]

Put the mic back where you found it.

[E]

Put it back. There you go with those little missing nubs.

[C]

There he goes, everybody. Dan Siegel. Get back there. Dan, go that way.

[E]

There you go.

[B]

Very good.

[C]

Keep going, Dan. Keep going, Dan.

[B]

There you go.

[C]

Great stuff, Dan. Holy. Oh, you know what that noise means. The lovely Heidi live in the flesh, the one and the only, keeping us well hydrated. Lord knows everyone needs a drink after the comedy stylings of Dan Siegel. How do you end up in a freezing forest?

[E]

I was looking for a job.

[G]

I think he murdered somebody.

[C]

Yeah, there's. There's definitely. He's, like, really bad at lying or something.

[G]

He's homeless. Oh, okay.

[C]

Crazy.

[G]

Should I give him a dollar?

[C]

I think we missed our chance.

[E]

Hi, everybody. This episode is sponsored by Bluechew. Guys. You'll track your sleep, take a cold plunge, and drink coffee made out of mushrooms. You dialed in every part of your life except the one that really matters. The one where all the magic happens. That's right. The bedroom where boners are born. And that is where bluechew gold comes in. Bluechew gold is better sex than a tablet. Speaking of tablet, who has one with sound effects on it?

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[C]

We got another bucket pool. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Kimberly Coaster. Everybody, a minute from Kimberly Coaster.

[P]

I moved here from Colorado because it was getting too expensive. I had to have roommates. I lived these guys, and it was awful. Like, one of them, he was always in his room, like, playing Xbox.

[C]

Suck my ass.

[P]

And the other guy, he was, like, a little more outdoorsy and outgoing. He always has boys over, and it made me so uncomfortable. I mean, I'm a woman in my 50s. I should not be living with men in their 20s. But I gave birth to them, and I couldn't get them the hell out of my house. But I came up with a plan. I started dating their friends. I have two boys in their 20s. And, you know, it's amazing how you can have two kids and they can be so different from each other. Like, one of them, you know, he goes to college and gets good grades, has a girlfriend. And the other one, he sits and plays Xbox and smokes pot. And I know you're not supposed to pick favorites, but he has really good weed.

[O]

Thank you.

[P]

Kimberly Kester.

[C]

Kimberly Koester. Welcome, welcome.

[E]

Hell, yeah.

[C]

How'd you get your frostbite I'm just kidding.

[E]

Welcome, Kimberly. Have you been on this show before?

[P]

Yeah, a year ago.

[E]

Okay. Yeah, I thought so. I remember you. Welcome back. Remind us how long you been doing stand up?

[P]

About five years.

[E]

Okay, cool. And that's all in. Where's that, mom?

[P]

I started in Denver and I moved out here a year and a half ago.

[E]

How's Austin treating you?

[P]

You know, it's. I might be a little too old for the open mics, I feel like, but I've actually been starting to produce shows in the Midwest, so, you know.

[E]

Why are you choosing the Midwest to produce shows?

[P]

Oh, I grew up in Iowa.

[B]

Oh.

[P]

So I'm doing a show in two weeks in Fort Dodge, my hometown, and it's this 500 seat theater and bring in some Austin comics.

[E]

Very cool. Have you thought about producing a show regularly here in Austin?

[P]

There's a lot of them, man. I mean, maybe eventually. I don't know. The big places are more fun.

[E]

Yeah.

[J]

Okay.

[E]

Yeah, it could be a big place. If you start it, it could be. It could become a thing. You live on the outskirts of Austin?

[P]

I do. I'm kind of on your way to Bee Cave.

[E]

Yeah.

[P]

Yeah.

[E]

So there's probably room for a scene out there. Like a lot of rich people out in Bee Cave.

[P]

That's true.

[E]

That would like to see a. What you consider an older lady. Yeah, that's what you called it. That's what you said. That's her own verbiage there. Before someone makes a Internet clip about

[C]

Tony bullying old hags. Oh, I accidentally said hags. All right. I it up.

[E]

There you go. There's your clip.

[C]

Just kidding, Kimberly.

[E]

I like your style. So the boys in the 20s, how's that? Is that fun?

[G]

No, it's.

[P]

It's. Well, one lives in Oregon and the other's in the army, so, you know, I. I hear from one of them, like a couple times a day, and the other one I hear from a

[E]

couple is the army. One serve overseas at all?

[P]

No, he's in El Paso.

[J]

Whoa.

[P]

Yeah.

[E]

That's roughly.

[J]

Yeah.

[K]

So he's.

[C]

That's harder.

[E]

Yeah.

[P]

Guarding the border.

[N]

Do you.

[G]

Can I. Are you married or are you.

[P]

I've been divorced since my boys were five and seven.

[A]

Are you really.

[P]

Are you single? I'm sorry, what?

[A]

Are you really his friends?

[P]

No. No.

[E]

There you go.

[C]

Good advice from Red Band. Thank you. Red Band. Back to the soundboard he goes.

[P]

Interesting that younger men are better looking. I mean, sometimes I forget I'll see a hot guy and I'm like, Oh, I could have gave birth to him.

[G]

Who can still fuck him?

[P]

Yeah, I could, but it just.

[J]

I don't know.

[K]

I think your odds are better than, you know.

[G]

Yeah.

[Q]

Yeah.

[E]

Oh, yes. We're back. And we're back. So, like, what type of guys do you hook up with?

[P]

I haven't had sex in over a year, so.

[G]

In over a year?

[P]

Over a year.

[G]

I think there's this froze by guy. He's gonna finger you.

[K]

That won't be very eventful.

[C]

Yeah. Not the first time you've had a black finger in you, I'm sure. Come on. Come on. We're having fun here.

[K]

We're just getting warmed up.

[A]

All right.

[E]

Wow. So, Kimberly, why aren't you out there chasing these young Austin boys? You have unbelievable cougar energies, if I may say so.

[P]

Vaginal dryness.

[G]

Whoa.

[D]

Okay.

[K]

Yeah, that'll fight them off.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

Let me guess. You got that looking for a job. Flying back and forth from New Hampshire to somewhere.

[E]

That's how everyone's getting sick nowadays.

[L]

Yeah.

[E]

A lot of flights to New Hampshire.

[A]

Have you tried spitting on it?

[C]

Oh, Red band.

[E]

Why do you say things like this? Women have the courage to come to a show like this and sign up and take a chance on themselves, and you make it all disgusting. Have you tried spitting on it?

[P]

I have tried that.

[O]

Yeah.

[P]

Yeah, it didn't work.

[E]

Didn't work?

[J]

No.

[P]

Yeah. And, you know, a year and a half ago, last time I had sex is when I realized that.

[E]

Did a doctor diagnose you? Did you check it out?

[P]

I don't do doctors.

[C]

You don't do doctors?

[E]

Oh.

[G]

How did you have kids?

[P]

Well, I haven't done doctors in a while. Yeah, I mean, I did doctors back then, but then the pandemic happened and I didn't want to do doctors anymore.

[G]

You're like, science sucks.

[B]

Yeah.

[N]

Doctors.

[O]

Yeah.

[K]

I mean, she's from. From Iowa. Yeah, that makes sense. When you gave birth, it was a warm rag in the hand.

[A]

I used to date this girl that

[C]

had a couple of tampons in her

[A]

and she didn't even know it. Have you tried to see if there's anything in there?

[C]

Okay, red band, very good.

[K]

Real heater.

[C]

It is unbelievable. He's on fire here today. He is a dry vagina specialist. Not a lot of people know that, but when someone brings up a dry vagina, that's when Red band grabs that mic, turns up the volume, and really lets it rip. Because he has a wealth of experience in being the senior dry vagina correspondent on this show.

[E]

I love It. So, Kimberly, do you think there's any reason why your vagina has gone dry? Can you. If you had to diagnose yourself in this doctorless world that you live in?

[K]

What?

[P]

It's called vaginal atrophy. And it's like when your vagina, you know, just kind of like. It would be like if you set a chicken cutlet out on the kitchen counter.

[C]

Oh, is that your way of saying you want a black guy to eat your. That's what you need. That's what would happen. Oh, man.

[K]

Chicken cutlet.

[A]

Chicken cutlets inside.

[K]

Wow.

[E]

A chicken cutlet out on the counter.

[P]

And then after a week, you know, after a week. And that's what your vagina turns into when you go through menopause.

[E]

Well, I will be on the lookout for my vagina.

[M]

Wow.

[E]

That is wild. Kimberly, how do you make a living?

[P]

I'm a hairstyle. I've been a hair stylist for 35 years, and I'm sick of it. I. Sick of those.

[E]

Yeah.

[G]

Why? Because their vagina's wet?

[C]

Yeah, exactly. Jealous.

[J]

Yeah.

[C]

How's your wet doing?

[E]

Amazing. What's something that's happened while you're styling hair? Like, has anyone ever overshared and you're like, jesus, what is going on here? Because I know women be yapping to their hairstyles.

[P]

I had one week where. Where every single person in my chair cried. And it wasn't because of anything I did. But, like, yeah, like, everyone. Like, one lady, her daughter came out as gay.

[C]

And do you take all the tears

[A]

and put it in your vagina?

[C]

Very good, Red Bear. Very good, Red Bear. I do have a little cup. Unbelievable. I saw him grab the mic, and as fast as he could, quick drop. He heard the word tears, and just.

[K]

Oh, we gotta put those in a vagina.

[E]

Yeah, immediately. No doubt about it.

[C]

Wow.

[E]

So wait, she cried because who was gay?

[D]

What?

[P]

Oh, her daughter came out as gay, but she was really liberal, so it was.

[E]

Yeah, that's what happens.

[P]

Hypocritical.

[E]

That's what be happening. You want to live that life, you're gonna have gay kids. Wanna be.

[A]

Have you talked to the Duke Boys lately? That was Red Band, Catherine.

[C]

I have no idea what's happening. Thank you, Red Band, so much for

[E]

doing what you do.

[P]

We're here. We're in the same generation. I know what you're talking about.

[E]

You guys are old as.

[O]

Yep.

[C]

Okay.

[Q]

Okay.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[E]

So, Kimberly, I guess in closing, I have to know, what are your, like, next plans other than running the shows in the Midwest. Like, what are some other things you're looking forward to in life?

[P]

You know, I. I do. I do want to stop doing hair and have comedy be my, you know, income.

[E]

Yeah.

[P]

And, you know, I. I don't know, Just kind of winging it at the moment.

[E]

I like your style. I think it takes balls to come to a place like this all the way from the. The burbs and sign up and be with all those heathens next door. And you seem like a classy, cool lady that is doing that and chasing your dreams, and that's how happens. So you're doing everything correctly. You're awesome. You have great sense of humor. You roll with the punches. You're a real comedian. Here's a big joke book.

[P]

Thanks.

[E]

A black one.

[C]

Yeah.

[R]

Thank you, Kimberly.

[C]

Coaster, everybody. Look at that. Look at that.

[E]

We're.

[C]

Now we're moving. It's like Dan Siegel never even happened.

[E]

Remember that guy? I mean, I had. I think I asked.

[R]

Asked.

[E]

It felt like I asked like 11 times.

[C]

How did.

[E]

How did you get cold?

[C]

All right, your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Jake Palfi, everybody. Jake Palfy.

[F]

I hooked up with that lady over a year ago.

[Q]

Sandpaper dried.

[M]

It's Chris.

[F]

No, I'm feeling good, though. I got my haircut this week.

[E]

Y' all like it?

[F]

I don't like. I don't like it. I look like a cardboard cutout of every white guy ever. I see a lot of us in your day, but I've only had this one haircut my entire life. This one haircut. Cause I've only had one person ever cut my hair, and that's my blue haired, gay, liberal mom. It's just her, dude. She's the only one. I've never been to a barber shop. I go to the salon. It's not cool. Like, I want to go to the barbershop. I want to throw gang signs. I want to talk ball. Whatever happens there. I don't know. I want to be the only one in there that knows that the fire alarm battery needs to be changed. You know? Like, I'm going to cheat on my mom. I'm going to cheat on her. I'm gonna cheat on my mom with a big, strong, tattooed Puerto Rican man named Rick. And he's just gonna have his way with my head. Fuck yeah. I'm Jake Paulfi. That's been my time.

[Q]

Thank you.

[C]

Jake Palfi.

[E]

Welcome, welcome. Have you been on before? Jake, welcome. Jake, how old are you?

[F]

I'm 27.

[E]

How long you been doing stand up?

[F]

Four years this month.

[E]

I love it very, very. Especially the start. Start listening to what's going on behind the curtain, paying attention, powerful opening stuff, all about your actual life. What. Where were the four years at all?

[F]

Here.

[E]

Nice. Is this where you're from?

[F]

I'm from Dallas.

[E]

Oh, cool. Hell yeah. Did you start in Dallas or you really started here?

[F]

I started here.

[E]

Okay.

[F]

Rough start.

[E]

Yeah.

[K]

Yeah.

[E]

Four years ago. Hell yeah. So take us through that process. Like, how did that start for you?

[F]

I mean, when you. When you start here, you just have to. You have to like, wait endlessly at open mics that you might not get on, and then it's just hard to get time in this when you don't have, like, it made here. But I started producing maybe two and a half years ago, and now I just got a show at the creek in the cave and a bunch of stuff. So that's how I've made my.

[E]

Yeah, that's the way to do it.

[C]

That's what I was saying to Kimberly is you gotta start your own kind of stuff sometimes if you want to

[E]

do shows in your own hometown. That's kind of how it goes. What do you do for a living? What kind of valet driver are you?

[F]

I was a valet driver actually.

[E]

Bing bong.

[G]

Hello.

[E]

No credit whatsoever.

[F]

Parallel park. Good, dude.

[E]

Hell yeah.

[C]

You look like all the ladies in here.

[F]

How to do it.

[B]

Okay.

[K]

Yeah, yeah, that'll help you. Well, that really did it. You'll be covered in, man.

[C]

Yeah, that's the PP that the ladies want. Parallel parking.

[F]

I. I don't use the camera.

[A]

Look back.

[N]

Look back.

[K]

I already did it.

[F]

Okay,

[E]

So what else have you been doing for jobs?

[F]

I. I work for a roofing company. I just started for a new one.

[K]

Wow.

[C]

If I told you to guess the roofer. If I only showed you pictures. There is a.

[K]

You got an employee back there? He doesn't have any fingers, but he's what you look and for that's good, I promise you.

[C]

Yeah, don't ask him any questions or you will fire him immediately.

[K]

Give him some aluminum and Vienna sausages.

[A]

He'll have a.

[K]

A whole crew.

[E]

How long you been roofing?

[F]

For like two years. But I just left my old company and started with a new company. I do business development. So, like, I just go to, like, state farms and go, hey, I'm Jake, not from State Farm.

[C]

Oh, they must love that. Oh, you're crushing in the lobbyist state.

[F]

It's just old f ladies. I bring him cookies and I hit him with that. And they're like, oh, my God.

[C]

Oh, hell yeah.

[O]

It's fun.

[C]

Business is booming.

[H]

Booming.

[I]

I just.

[C]

You're a tall guy.

[E]

How tall are you?

[F]

I'm 65.

[E]

65. So you don't even need a ladder to do roofing?

[N]

No, I just.

[F]

I just jump up there.

[E]

Absolutely.

[F]

I can. I can dunk as well.

[E]

What do you.

[C]

Ooh, dunks.

[E]

Old white Wimby over here. Look at you.

[G]

Some old lady is getting her wet.

[F]

I tried, dude. I tried.

[I]

I love it.

[E]

Jake, what do you do for fun when you want to get a little wacky?

[F]

Yeah, I play. Play a lot of basketball. I have a girlfriend I spend a lot of time with and then just doing comedy a lot, getting wacky. I like smoking and doing mushrooms.

[E]

Oh, nice.

[F]

I know. I have. I don't look like it, right? But yeah, I do that.

[G]

Do you ever play lacrosse?

[F]

Lacrosse? No, I'm too skinny.

[G]

Did you ever rape anybody?

[K]

The drive of them, that escalated quickly. Yeah.

[E]

Do you really have a blue haired mom? You have a liberal mom?

[F]

Her hair color is constantly changing, but yes.

[E]

Yeah, she's kind of a wild lady.

[F]

She is a wild lady.

[E]

How do you think. How do you think they end up like that?

[F]

My dad keeps abusing her. Maybe not abusing. Not just like, like emotionally abusing, maybe.

[E]

Oh, wow.

[J]

Yeah.

[F]

Not physically.

[E]

When you say maybe, like, what. What have you seen?

[F]

Just like, they would just argue a lot and then she was like. She just partied hard. My dad didn't.

[E]

So, like, when you say mom parties hard, what exactly do you mean?

[F]

I mean, like in her 20s, she just went hard. I don't. I didn't know her, so I don't.

[C]

What have you heard that she did in her 20s?

[F]

She would just, you know, do everything. She told me about, like, ecstasy and stuff at like, like, she's telling. She would tell me this in like high school. I'd be like, oh, this is crazy. My dad's gonna hate this so much.

[C]

It's all right. You can't worry about dad on this show.

[F]

I know, I'm.

[J]

Yeah.

[G]

Francisco, when you got grounded, did they send you to the roof or like.

[F]

Yeah, I spent a lot of time up there.

[N]

Yeah.

[E]

Do you have a lot of brothers and sisters?

[F]

I do. I have a older brother that's my mom's son. And then I have a younger sister's two years younger than me. That's my only, like, full blood sibling. And then I have. And then it's okay. I have four siblings. Is that what you wanted?

[K]

I don't know why you explain that like he's on the board for 23

[H]

and me,

[K]

we wouldn't have gone. Interesting. Full blooded.

[F]

I have two like little children. Siblings now that my dad had. That's why I was trying to get.

[A]

Got it.

[E]

That's what Red band's interested in.

[K]

Yeah.

[E]

So your older brother, is he tall as well?

[F]

He's like 6:3.

[E]

Okay, so you're the taller one.

[F]

Yeah.

[E]

You have those Barren. Barren trump energies.

[F]

That's right.

[E]

Abnormally tall for being a younger brother.

[F]

That's right.

[E]

Jake, this girlfriend of yours, what does she do for a living?

[F]

She's a therapist, which means I get therapy for free.

[E]

Amazing.

[F]

Even when I don't ask for it, I just get it.

[E]

Incredible. What do you utilize the therapy for?

[F]

She usually just tells me everything I'm doing wrong. I don't exactly.

[E]

What does she say you're doing wrong?

[F]

I don't make very much money and she has a lot more money than me, so that's something we have argued about before. I just try to keep her happy, you know, and like be funny because I don't have money.

[C]

How much money do you have?

[F]

I have like. I actually got paid today, so I have, have. I had twelve hundred dollars.

[E]

Okay.

[C]

And before that? Before that you had nothing.

[F]

Say it again.

[E]

Before that you had nothing.

[F]

I had just paid rent, so I had no money.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

Wow. Incredible. So she's just paying the bills basically.

[F]

No, I mean I, I just cover everything but like she has a lot of money so she'll like when she wants to go do something, I'm like, hey, I can't. But you know, you, you can take me.

[D]

Wow.

[C]

Incredible.

[E]

Did she make you like do chores and stuff?

[H]

Because.

[Q]

Yeah.

[F]

Oh yeah. I plant a lot of plants, mow the lawn.

[R]

Oh.

[F]

Oh yeah. She's a home. I like take care of the house.

[H]

Yeah.

[G]

It's your girlfriend, your mom.

[K]

What the.

[Q]

She's going to hate that tune.

[K]

What is it like when she chokes you during sex? Is it crazy?

[C]

Are you like harder?

[F]

Oh, slap me.

[E]

Amazing. But she's a good therapist.

[F]

She's amazing. Yeah.

[E]

For those of you that need therapy, just a reminder, talk space is out there. Use promo code [e-mail]. get some therapy. Yeah, we do love it, Jake. Very, very funny stuff. Congratulations.

[C]

Great stuff. Keep it going. Four years in the game, that's Jake paly. Good stuff, Jake.

[E]

Starting something new is terrifying. I remember thinking, what if this fails? What if I put all this work in for nothing? But taking that leap ended up in being one of the best decisions I ever made. It also helps when you have a partner like Shopify on your side. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e commerce in the US from household names like mine to brands just getting started.

[D]

Red band.

[A]

They make it all easy too. With hundreds of ready to use templates, Shopify helps you build an online store that matches your brand style. Need to accelerate efficiency. Shopify's AI tools can write product descriptions, page headlines, and even enhance product images.

[E]

Oh my goodness. And did I mention that iconic purple shop pay button? It's why Shopify has the best converting checkout on the planet. From marketing to managing inventory to international shipping, to processing returns and beyond, Shopify is your commerce expert with world class expertise. It's time to turn those what ifs

[J]

into

[E]

with Shopify today. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at shopify.com kill Tony go to shopify.com kill Tony. That's shopify.com kill Tony. And on to the next one we go. Your bucket pool now goes by the

[C]

name of Daniel Velasquez.

[E]

Here we go.

[C]

Daniel Velasquez. Oh, we know Daniel.

[Q]

I was going through a breakup a few months ago and a buddy of mine could see that I was struggling and he was like, hey man, what you need is a massage at one of those hand job massage parlors. He was like, listen man, I know you can't drive. I found one down the street from your house. You could just walk there. Which like, first off, weird way to find out I live in a bad neighborhood, you know. And he was like, hey man, I know your birthday's coming up. So I made the appointment for you. So if you don't go, they're not gonna let me go back there anymore. So like, he put me in a weird spot, right? Cause like sex work really isn't my thing. But like, I'm not trying to yuck his yum, right?

[C]

Like.

[Q]

So I went, man, and that is gonna be a one time trip because, you know, I learned there's nothing more embarrassing than getting a hand job and then having to walk home afterwards. Dude, I put my headphones on. I couldn't even get myself to play any music, guys. I was like, no, you're gonna enjoy this walk of shame in silence. Thank you guys. That's my time.

[C]

Daniel Velasquez has done it again. Always, always funny. We love Daniel here on this show.

[B]

Thank you.

[Q]

I love you. Thanks for having me.

[E]

Absolutely. Welcome back, my friend.

[Q]

Thank you.

[E]

Is That a true story.

[Q]

That is a true story.

[C]

Incredible. I believe it.

[Q]

I need better friends.

[E]

Yeah.

[Q]

Or maybe he's my best friend. Who knows?

[E]

Incredible.

[F]

Yeah.

[G]

Francisco, Is he a regular here or like, cuz. What do you have?

[C]

Sorry, we, we've been through this a few times. He's definitely qualified to be one of the goals golden ticket winners here. He's, he definitely walks like one.

[E]

He walks the walk and he talks the top.

[Q]

Yeah, I have cerebral palsy.

[G]

Okay, cool.

[C]

Yeah, but you, you already.

[M]

No, I, I, I'm gonna hop in here.

[D]

Yeah.

[K]

I'm gonna try to clean it on up. I thought it was great. The first person that ever took me on the road was Josh Blue. Good. Yeah, dude, Love Josh. Your timing was, was, was killer. So great work, man.

[Q]

Thank you. Thank you so much.

[C]

Absolutely. Completely agree.

[I]

You're great.

[H]

You're great.

[Q]

Thank you so much.

[E]

So, Daniel, what's been going on in life since your last time on the show?

[Q]

Nothing, man. I, I lost my job real quick. Anybody hiring?

[E]

Dude, what do you, what do you, what did you do before?

[Q]

I worked at Chick Fil A. Dude,

[E]

you lost your job at Chick. What exactly do you have to do

[C]

to lose your Chick Fil a job?

[E]

As a, as a.

[G]

You gotta be fast.

[Q]

Yeah, no, I, I was living here for a little bit, and then I ended up moving to San Antonio, so I had to, I had to lose that job. But yeah. Yeah, unfortunately.

[M]

Got it.

[E]

So what experiences, what other jobs have you had so that we can find you a job? This is a little segment we call find a handicap guy a job.

[Q]

You know, I was a TV news producer for a little bit, and then. But it's hard to, it's hard to do TV and then do comedy, and I really want to do comedy, so I just went all in on that. And I'll take any job, man. I'm just trying to be a comic and trying to work and make this my career eventually. So, yeah, I was a TV news producer and then Chick Fil A. So those are two vastly different.

[C]

That goes to show you where the news industry is nowadays, ladies and gentlemen.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Breaking news. The only, Only job better than working for the modern news facilities is Chick Fil A, everybody.

[E]

All right, so let's go out there. This guy in the hat looks like he has CEO energies. You with the glasses, sir, do you

[C]

have perhaps a job opening for this guy here tomorrow?

[Q]

Dude, I'll move here tomorrow trying to

[E]

get you a job, sir. Maybe shut the up for a second. No, you don't own A company. Anybody own a company here? What.

[C]

How about you, sir? What do you. What company do you own? Oh, perfect. Oh, well, congratulations. If you think you're limping now, wait until tomorrow night. Yeah, this was a bad idea.

[Q]

I'll move. Drugs for people, man. They never check me at tsa. Dude, I could move. Yeah, I'll move weight.

[G]

Dude, that's a good one.

[Q]

I'll move weight.

[G]

You're a. Could be a mule.

[Q]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Have you tried Chick Fil A?

[E]

Yeah, yeah, we know you have. So, Daniel, you're basically willing to do anything. This is a question that we only ask here on Kiltoni. A question you never get on the Tonight Show. You never get on morning radio, out on the road. Only here do I ask this question. How much money do you have?

[Q]

Negative $58.

[A]

Wow.

[E]

Okay, so we need a job ASAP.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Incredible.

[D]

Wow.

[E]

So I'm trying to figure out, what could we possibly do with a guy like this?

[A]

What do you think?

[K]

Negative 58. I think it's got the whole room kind of in a tough spot. I think all of us are going. We were having a good. Negative 58. We were hoping for 11 would have been nice. Negative 58. I don't even know. I don't know. I don't know what to tell you, man.

[E]

Yeah, yeah,

[Q]

yeah.

[E]

So, okay, so let's do the math on this because I like it. I like the uncomfortable reality of all this. It's a negative 58. But you already paid your rent this month. What's your living situation? You have roommates?

[Q]

Yeah, so my mom passed away a few years ago, so.

[C]

Oh, God, this is just going the wrong direction here, I gotta tell you that.

[Q]

So I just live. I live with my. My father right now. Yeah, okay. Yeah, I live with him.

[E]

You're what?

[Q]

My father.

[E]

Okay. Where's that at?

[Q]

San Antonio. But I lived. I lived here with some roommates before, so.

[E]

Okay, so that's good. So you have no rent right now charging you rent?

[Q]

No, he's a good man.

[C]

Yeah, he is a good man.

[E]

Yeah, absolutely. He's also the one that drank while he made you.

[Q]

Yeah, yeah. He owes me big time.

[C]

Exactly.

[Q]

Big time.

[K]

Himself in the face.

[A]

Y.

[C]

So no doubt he should be paying your rent. That is the least. Least he could do.

[Q]

Yeah.

[E]

And so you're in San Antonio. That's where you are right now. How often do you make it to Austin to perform?

[Q]

Every week, man. Every week I just try and come up here.

[E]

Y.

[Q]

Absolutely.

[E]

And you're doing open mics and Stuff up there in San Antonio the rest of the week?

[Q]

Yes, sir. I got open mics and I work at the Riot Riverwalk Comedy Club down there.

[E]

Oh, that's great.

[Q]

It's a good club.

[E]

So you're getting spots there. You're getting open for people and guest spots here and there.

[Q]

Yes, sir.

[G]

Why don't you work at the comedy club?

[Q]

I mean, they already have staff, and I want to be like a working comedian there, but, yeah, they already have their staff.

[G]

You got negative 15?

[Q]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, they got their staff already picked out. But yeah, I do. I do work there for a little bit. I do like door guy stuff, so I do get some money there, so it's not bad. Yeah,

[E]

but you do drive?

[Q]

I don't drive. No, that was the point of the joke. Yeah.

[E]

Right.

[Q]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay.

[Q]

Yeah.

[K]

Okay, so we're at negative 58, does not drive. Would like to do comedy in Austin, Lives in San Antonio. How the numbers looking?

[C]

Not good. I'm doing the math over here. It is real bad. It just has the word bad written down. Yes.

[E]

John D's.

[N]

We just took up a collection for.

[C]

Well, the band raised money. Oh, come on. It's incredible. Oh, my God. This is absolutely amazing. We got. Thank you guys so much for this money. I deserve it. Thank you. Absolutely incredible. I love that. The band finally paying it forward to the man that made it all possible for them.

[K]

Yeah.

[C]

All right.

[K]

I got a Waffle House gift card.

[C]

Oh, yeah, put it in there.

[K]

Yeah, you can go be with other people.

[C]

Throw a couple. Throw a couple $2 bills in there. That's good luck. You need Good luck is what you need. Oh, Francisco throwing it. Francisco and Derek throwing in a 20. Red band. Famously cheap red band. Pulling out four $10 bills.

[J]

Wow.

[C]

Six $10 bills. This is incredible.

[K]

All right, charitable down at the VFW here. We're gonna help you, Lieutenant man. We're gonna help you. New Year, New Year's Eve, prostitutes, the whole thing.

[C]

Anybody else?

[E]

Anybody else have any cash out there, huh?

[C]

Any heroes? Here's a hundred dollar bill for me.

[E]

Here we go.

[C]

This is the first time ever, Troy Conrad, the greatest photographer in the comedy industries, out there collecting, Chief. You're rich. Put some cash in the mix, you homo. Oh, three $1 bills from this cheap. Jesus Christ, she pulled those out of her panties from last night. Thanks a lot, lady. Okay, there's a 10 from that Jew over there. This is good. There's a 20. Come on. Keep it moving, Troy.

[G]

Let's go.

[K]

45. 45.

[C]

Oh, oh, 20 and a five. Very good. This is all adding up very quickly. This is the first time in Kill Tony history.

[K]

This is big.

[C]

In which we've done a fundraiser. Sarah, come up here and count this money. We're gonna get a grand total here.

[Q]

Thank you so much.

[C]

This is crazy. This is the. Unbelievable. People are going to expect this to happen from now on. Here, give it to Sarah. Give it. Give it all to Sarah. Give it all to Sarah. We're gonna get an official count. Try to count fast. Sarah. How about a hand for Sarah? Sloan, Troy, Troy, Conrad, Cole. What a team we have here.

[B]

We're gonna.

[C]

You're about to get a bunch of cash, pal.

[E]

Look at that.

[C]

Someone's gonna be getting a lot of hand jobs this week. This guy's gonna be getting milked like a cow out in the burbs of San Antonio. So let me ask you, was it

[E]

an Asian massage parlor?

[Q]

Yeah, it was your classic Asian massage parlor.

[C]

Red band loves it.

[H]

It.

[Q]

Yeah.

[E]

Now this is amazing. And did you get any of the actual massage? Because you seem like you could use some of that.

[Q]

Yeah, I could.

[A]

Yeah.

[Q]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was your typical shitty massage. I don't really remember that part that much.

[C]

Yeah, real massage people.

[G]

This is just like. I'm not trying to be funny, but does your penis have cerebral palsy too?

[Q]

Or like, that's the only part that doesn't, so.

[G]

Oh, really?

[Q]

Yeah, it kind of works out.

[C]

Hell yeah. The lady. Ladies go wild for that one.

[Q]

Works out.

[K]

I was going. What I was going to ask was your Asian massage therapist, was he missing a tooth?

[Q]

Yeah.

[C]

So are we doing this or what?

[K]

Wow.

[E]

Okay, Daniel, this is incredible. So your next move with this money? What are you going to do with it? What are you planning on doing with the fat stack of cash that Kil just raised for you?

[Q]

Saving it. Maybe put it in the stock market, try to build up some money. You know, let's.

[E]

Let's keep it out of the stock market. B. I put it all into Chick Fil. A went public. Okay, Sarah, do we have a count

[G]

there?

[E]

There's a lot. Do we have a ballpark as of.

[C]

Over $700, ladies and gentlemen.

[M]

Look at them.

[C]

Dreams are coming true.

[Q]

Damn. I have enough for full service now. That's nice. Dude, that's fucking

[C]

$745. And a waffle House gift card.

[K]

That is.

[C]

Is a real Waffle House gift card from the great Derek Stroop. Dreams are coming true here on Kill. Tony.

[E]

Daniel, shout out your, like, social media so that people can Follow you.

[Q]

I think.

[E]

I think you're a little star.

[Q]

So I'm on Instagram at vintage Daniel and at. On Twitter. I actually don't know what my. Twitter.

[E]

Perfect.

[Q]

A Twitter. Yeah. Twitter@Comedyjpg.

[E]

So, yeah, perfect. You're crushing it, buddy.

[C]

Always hilarious.

[E]

We love you.

[C]

You're the first person to ever get money on this show, so you deserve it. Congratulations.

[Q]

Thank you, guys.

[C]

Just a heads up for all bucket pools in the future. I'm never doing that again, so never expect that. It's never happening. I swear to God.

[E]

That's.

[A]

Thanks the audience, guys. You guys killed.

[C]

You guys are the. Congratulations.

[Q]

I love you guys. Thank you so much.

[C]

There he goes. Daniel Velasquez, ladies and gentlemen. The American dream. Hobbling off to his next massage parlor.

[E]

There he goes.

[C]

Look at that strut.

[E]

Hell yeah.

[C]

John D's just said that one of the his buddies is going to rob him in the alleyway right now. Oh, my God. All right, we have a golden ticket winner here with a brand new minute, ladies and gentlemen. We love her around here. She is a workhorse. She's one of our favorite people. Make some noise for the great a. Everybody here with a brand new minute.

[P]

Oops.

[O]

One of my closest friends is schizophrenic. Now, when I met her, she wasn't. But she was always a little bit off. Like when we were in high school, she could just look at a QR code and tell you where the link went. And. And during lunch, you could pay her to say the N word. $5 to say it, $10 to use it in a sentence. But she did too many mushrooms. And then she became schizophrenic. And sometimes I worry because I love mushrooms. But I know I'm not addicted to mushrooms because I share. I share. And it makes me think that maybe black people are addicted to the N word. Because they won't share. Like, can I get a hit?

[C]

The great Aya. You're right. They don't share that.

[O]

Yeah. And sharing is caring.

[E]

And much like mushrooms. And that I only do both at home when I'm by myself.

[O]

Amen, brother.

[C]

One more time for Aya. Another great minute. Absolutely original, adorable delivery.

[E]

It's always, always fun having your style up here. How's life been going?

[O]

Life's good. Yeah. That was a true story, though.

[H]

My.

[O]

I have a. One of my close friends. She's schizophrenic. Shout out to her.

[E]

Yeah.

[O]

For that joke.

[E]

And that really happened after a mushroom trip.

[O]

Yeah. She was just doing too much stuff and Then like, one day she. She came over to my house and she was like, like, I've been talking to Hitler.

[E]

Oh, shit.

[O]

And. Yeah, like.

[G]

So what did he say?

[E]

Yeah, that's a good question.

[O]

No, he told her to just, you know, the shit about the Jews and. No, but all schizophrenic people talk to Hitler. That is something that people don't give him enough credit for

[P]

being a good listener.

[C]

Hilarious.

[O]

They really do. Yeah. It was tough to hang out with her all day.

[C]

Yeah.

[O]

So I can only imagine what he's going through

[E]

now. Was she on, like, do you know if she was on, like, medication or anything for something else before this psychotic break? Or was she, like, mentally healthy before? Was it a shock defin, like, no.

[O]

Like, you could, like, pay her to say the nword, like, when she was young. Young. So she definitely always.

[E]

How much money?

[O]

I. I only invested like $15.

[A]

Perfect. It's been proven, though, Daniel.

[C]

I'm gonna need some of that money back.

[A]

It's been proven, though. Psychedelics speed up, you know, schizophrenia.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, it does in some people.

[E]

Yes, absolutely. That is true. No doubt about it. So, Aya, what else is going on in life?

[O]

I'm trying to get into the. I'm trying to break into the fashion industry.

[E]

Okay.

[O]

I have an idea that I'd like to pitch to Christian Louboutin on your platform.

[E]

Let's do it. We know for a fact Christian watches every episode of this show. He's a big fan of Hans Kim and many others. Go right ahead, Christian.

[O]

Oh, really?

[E]

Yeah.

[O]

Oh, whoa. Okay, so I have an idea. And maybe the girlies will understand. The ladies will like this.

[A]

This.

[O]

So, you know the Pilates grippy socks make the grippies red. Red bottom grippy socks.

[G]

Whoa.

[O]

It's a good idea.

[P]

Wow.

[O]

It's actually a genuinely good idea.

[E]

Red band wears grippy socks after he

[C]

visits the hospital after a mini heart attack.

[E]

What do you think about. All right.

[A]

I don't get it.

[C]

Like, what's the red?

[G]

I don't.

[E]

Well, I actually know about this because I listened to it. An incredible amount of the hip hop industry that there are fancy shoes called red bottoms and they're made by Christian Louboutin. That is correct. And so therefore there is a market share in which he could be making

[O]

socks with red bottoms.

[E]

Yeah. And they. They would get worn in and people would have to buy more of them using some of that Apple earpod energy instead of just a pair of shoes that'll last a long time. I think this is a Good idea, Aya.

[O]

No, it is a good idea.

[C]

Okay, thank you. Thank you so much.

[O]

You came up with it?

[G]

Yeah.

[E]

No, it's great. We'll have to see what happens next.

[R]

Yeah.

[E]

Derek, what do you think about all this?

[K]

I thought it was. I thought the bit was great. That was definitely something with my accent I could not do on stage, but very funny. It's fun when somebody like you gets up here where you kind of.

[H]

Of.

[K]

You're like small and unassuming and then you have these big hitting jokes that are smart. It's fun to watch that.

[O]

Thank you.

[E]

That's our blind bass player, everybody. Just coming in. Coming back in from a little bathroom break. If you're wondering what that noise was, that is a blind bass player, everyone. Very rarely can you tell that he's blind, but I don't even think it was him that hit it. I actually think it was a producer there. Aya, you are awesome. That is another brand new great minute from you. You're fantastic. Everybody loves you. You're on the rise. One of young rising comedians in the world.

[C]

The great and powerful a ladies and gentlemen. Hell yeah.

[E]

We're going to keep it moving. We have another. Another lady. We got three guys and three ladies so far here tonight.

[C]

Make some noise for Holly, everybody. Here comes Holly.

[L]

What's up, guys? So I am a Jewish. You're welcome. Or I'm sorry, depending on who you are at this point. As a Jew, I do want to say I do believe in free Palestine, but only because I love when things are free. I just got married recently. Thank you. Yeah, it's really sweet. When I met him, he was homeless. Yeah, it was really sweet. One minute he was living in a box and next minute he was munching mine. So he had a sign that said, need money for food, and I let him eat my ass. So he actually makes me so wet we started calling my pussy the soup kitchen. What's wrong? You guys don't like soup? No. The only downside to being married is I can't do my favorite threat anymore. When I was single, I loved to threaten to fuck people's dads. Because when you threaten to fuck someone's mom, they take it as a joke. But when you threaten to fuck someone's dad, they're like, please don't. He'll really do it. Thank you, guys. That's my time.

[E]

Hell, yeah. Welcome, Holly. Is this your first time on the show?

[L]

This is my second time.

[G]

Okay.

[E]

Little different. You a little gothier than last time?

[L]

I was pretty gothy. Last time I was the toad girl with taxidermy and whatnot.

[E]

Oh, okay.

[O]

Yeah.

[E]

All right. Well, welcome back.

[A]

Thank you.

[E]

Heck yeah, I remember you. What happened? Why are you on crutches?

[L]

I. I burnt dinner and I was talking back to the husband. I'm just kidding. No, I was delivering door dash and I just took a bad fall down the stairs and I fractured two of my bones in my foot, so.

[E]

Damn. Damn. Does door dash help you when that happens on the clock? No, not at all. Do you remember what the delivery was? Was.

[L]

Was Taco Bell.

[E]

Damn. See, isn't that just depressing? Go ahead, Darren.

[K]

We've had quite a few people come out with some stuff going on.

[C]

Welcome to Kill Tony.

[A]

I mean, it's pretty wild.

[K]

I can't wait for a guy with a peg leg to show up.

[L]

They got one back there, I believe.

[C]

Be careful what you wish for.

[E]

There was a time where she.

[C]

Shane famously, as Trump said, why don't

[E]

you bring out another up person, Tony?

[C]

And I go, it may happen right now. And a guy with little hands came out like that, like, hey, everybody.

[E]

It's like.

[C]

It's one of the things I've w.

[E]

I've watched the clip like 500 times.

[C]

Sometimes I watch it to pick up my mood a little bit. It's the greatest thing ever. It's just a moment in time. Oh, comedians are like that, by the way.

[E]

It's not like a Kill Tony thing we forget, but like at the open mics and everybody's hobbling and wobbling, missing an eye, this, that, everything.

[K]

Yeah. She clearly accidentally hit a headstone.

[C]

Yeah, exactly.

[K]

He was just playing in the cemetery.

[E]

Yeah, it is. You are a goth Jew. The very rare gothic Jew. What do you think is the most Jewish thing about you, Holly? When. When the.

[L]

When.

[E]

When the blood and the. And everything inside of you just.

[K]

Just.

[L]

I mean, I do really like free stuff.

[E]

You do.

[L]

And I love money. I used to be a stripper. Last time I. I came here, I got a job at the strip club.

[E]

That's right. And you were funnier than your boyfriend. Right? Is that right? Or.

[L]

We said that the Internet is currently arguing about that.

[O]

Actually.

[E]

Controversial finish. Yeah, the Internet be doing that. But. So how was the job? You got it at the Yellow Rose or.

[L]

Yeah, I. I mean, I liked it at first. I realized stripping isn't really for me, to be completely honest.

[E]

Right. People don't like tipping the.

[P]

No.

[E]

The strippers on crutches so much.

[L]

I wasn't on crutches yet. No. I just decided it wasn't really for me.

[E]

Got it. Yeah, that makes sense. Hey, some people grow out of it. That makes sense. Gothic Jew strippers are a rare bird.

[L]

I will tell you, actually, since. Since I was last on the show, a bunch of people wanted to send me taxidermy in exchange for, like, only fans pictures and stuff.

[E]

Oh, so give us an example of what you've traded for your only.

[L]

I didn't. I didn't. But somebody wanted to send me a taxidermied iguana for feet pics.

[C]

Red band. Red band. I remember when you bought that iguana. You were so excited about it.

[A]

Daddy needs feet picks up.

[G]

So are you an only fan?

[E]

Jewish feet picks, no doubt about it.

[G]

Are you an only fans right now?

[L]

No, no, no, no, I'm not. People really wanted me to, though.

[E]

So how you making money now?

[L]

Well, it was doordash for a little bit. I'm probably gonna go into school for behavioral therapy, though.

[E]

Oh, wow.

[G]

Oh, okay, you're really switching it up.

[I]

Yeah.

[K]

Yeah, you are. I thought you were gonna say regional

[C]

manager for Hot Topic, but I will.

[J]

Fish.

[P]

Wow.

[E]

Well, Holly, fun times. You did it again. What size joke book did you get last time? A big one.

[L]

Yeah.

[E]

All right, there you go. Well, then you did it. You got it.

[C]

Here, here's another one. Here's another big black one. It matches your everything. Oh, so cool.

[E]

Very close.

[L]

It landed in my time. Tits. Thank you.

[E]

Yep.

[C]

I always throw towards the tits.

[P]

Thanks, guys.

[E]

I always throw towards the tits. That's what I always say.

[C]

Throw towards the tits.

[E]

It's a fun job throwing choke books at people's tits all day.

[C]

All right, your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen, Goes by the name of Aiden McCluskey, everybody. Aiden McCluskey. Oh, yeah, here we go.

[B]

Hey, how's it going?

[A]

Nice.

[B]

All right, cool. I'm doing good, I guess. I don't know, it's. It's men's Mental health month. I guess I really, really wasn't aware there was a problem with men's mental health until I saw a TikTok that was like, hey, tell your boys that you love them. If you don't think there's a problem with men's mental health, text your boy at a late hour that you love him. Dude, I texted my buddy. It was like 12:30 at night. I'm like, hey, man, love ya. He calls me immediately. Are you killing yourself? What's going on? I had a buddy once call me, tell me he was killing himself. Yeah, that sucked. I was like, why'd you call me. Why was I your first round draft pick on that one, man. And he's going on and on and on. He just finally hits me with, give me one good reason I shouldn't kill myself. And I was like, you didn't give me a whole lot of time to study for this test, man. I don't know. Don't. And then I was like, wait a minute. I thought you were doing better than me, to be honest. And I started thinking, I'm like, wait a minute. Should I fucking kill myself? What the hell? So I'm like, well, I'll kill myself.

[C]

Absolutely, truly hilarious. Aiden McCluskey. Very, very funny man. Welcome.

[J]

Thanks.

[E]

How long you been doing stand up?

[B]

Like seven years.

[E]

Yeah, definitely seems like it. Absolutely rock solid the entire way through. You seemed human, present and absolutely hilarious. That was fantastic.

[B]

Appreciate it.

[G]

Are you nervous or do.

[H]

Are you like.

[B]

Oh, yeah, well, I'm nervous, but I also just like shake, fake like, I have a fan. Yeah, I have like, dude. Well, it's not like my thing. I just like, like, they're like. I don't walk in and they're like, that's the shaky guy.

[G]

Yeah, that's what I thought.

[B]

No, no, no. That's like. It's. I just do.

[G]

Is it really? Like. Like drugs?

[B]

I used to do a lot. Yeah, yeah.

[G]

Withdrawal.

[B]

Now I just shake.

[G]

Oh, you just shake.

[J]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[G]

All right.

[K]

What's going on? Aiden, how you doing?

[B]

Good, man. Good to see you. I didn't expect to see you four.

[H]

Oh, nice.

[K]

Like four years ago in Minnesota and it people at each show. We were at the Mall of America speaking of killing ourselves.

[A]

Yeah, I had a lot of those thoughts that weekend.

[K]

But I want to tell you, Aiden, I've seen your stuff online. You open for me. You're a hell of a joke writer. Seven years in. This guy's a dynamite joke writer.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Appreciate it.

[M]

Great work.

[E]

I love that you live here now, Aiden.

[B]

What's that?

[E]

You live in Austin now?

[B]

No, I live in Minneapolis.

[E]

Why do you live in Minneapolis? Just out of curiosity.

[B]

I have a fiance.

[G]

Yeah.

[E]

And she's there.

[I]

Job?

[K]

Yeah.

[E]

Good job.

[B]

Families there.

[I]

Yep.

[E]

That's basically what makes people live in Minneapolis. That makes sense.

[Q]

Yeah.

[E]

Yeah. Is that where you're from?

[B]

No, I grew up in a small town. Galesville, Wisconsin.

[I]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah. Shout out Gales. The big G. Hell yeah. As people refer to it.

[E]

You are hilarious. What do you do for a living? Comedy.

[B]

Yeah, I do stand up, but then like, I also like, take care of an old guy. I Used to be like a pca. And then I was going to quit and he was like, please don't quit. So I was like, all right, well, I'll work with just you. So I work with him like six hours a week.

[G]

So you babysit an old man?

[B]

Well, I wouldn't say I babysit him. I mean, we hang out. I shouldn't say this, but we smoke a lot of pot together.

[C]

He's pretty nice.

[B]

I'm probably going to get fired for saying that, to be honest, but I really hope my boss doesn't watch this. But, yes, I do. I hang out with an old guy, we go to movies, we go to the grocery store, and then we smoke blunts in his apartment with the windows down.

[E]

That's the.

[C]

Yeah, that's amazing. That's one of the best. Fun fact. That's one of the best jobs in Minneapolis, Minnesota right now.

[B]

Yeah.

[K]

And that's the hospice we all need.

[B]

Yeah. Someone to take care of you.

[E]

Exactly.

[K]

Well, blue dream on your way out.

[P]

Out.

[N]

Yeah.

[E]

It's what we can only hope for when we're an old man to hang out with a young guy that's shakier than us.

[B]

The shaky guy. Yeah.

[E]

What's the good job that the fiance has?

[B]

She's a software engineer. Nice.

[E]

Yeah, absolutely.

[B]

Woman in stem. Yeah.

[E]

You see a lot of crazy stuff out there on the streets in Minneapolis that always according to the news. There's always some absolutely nuts happening in Minneapolis.

[B]

They make it seem that way, but it's usually like cordoned off to like a few blocks. And then I feel like the news sensationalizes it and people get this misconception. But there's a lot of nice people in Minnesota. I feel like you guys, if you want to visit, you should come and visit. Throw a brick through a window, light a target on fire.

[C]

I mean, I don't know.

[B]

Yeah, I don't know.

[C]

You are so funny. How long are you in town for?

[E]

How long are you Austin?

[B]

I. I am in town until Saturday morning. I thought about leaving early to be. I was actually like texting my fiance, being like, I don't know why I come down here every time I come. Last time I came, I got rear ended in my rental car. This morning I got rear ended again in my rental car.

[G]

Maybe the shaky driving.

[B]

That wasn't me. No, it wasn't the shaking at all. No, the shaking didn't do that at all. It was just like person texting on their phone. Then I got out shaking.

[C]

Yeah, it's a lot of rear like

[B]

why are you shaking? Oh, it's a shaky guy.

[C]

No, that is a lot of rearing you.

[E]

Aiden, what brought you to Austin this week? Just out of curiosity, just try and

[B]

come down and get into the club. This show. I honestly, I've signed up for this like a bunch of times and have like left not getting on and was like texting my fiance. I am going to leave. I don't know why I'm here. I hope I don't get rear ended.

[E]

Well, I'll tell you what, have you been in the other room yet? Has the booker gotten to see you?

[B]

The booker has gotten to see me and that set did not go very well about two hours ago. Oh, the same joke I actually like closed on I did over there and they did not fuck with me.

[C]

Interesting.

[E]

What the what? I was just going to send you up there but I can't have him see you twice in the same night.

[B]

You should, but please.

[C]

I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday though. There you go man, that's a, that's a big gig. That's a real paying gig in Austin, Texas. That's a big joke book. You're as funny as as it could be, Aiden. There goes Aiden McClusky, everybody.

[B]

Thank you guys.

[C]

Hell yeah. That's what it's all about. I love it when actual, you know, up and coming 7 year vet sign

[E]

up for the show.

[C]

I think it's the smartest thing they could possibly do. You come out, you have the best stand up comedy fans in the world. People that are addicted to it and watch every single week. See you, you get your name out there. He's certainly gonna sell more tickets in his hometown and anywhere he goes from now on. So Congrats to Aidan McCluskey.

[E]

Your next bucket poll goes by the

[C]

name of Paulina Perez, everybody. Paulina Perez.

[R]

I'm a bi Mexican girl but I like to make bad decisions so I usually go for men and my standards for a man are pretty low. Like you need to be nice, you don't have good morals. But you have to be circumcised. You have to be circumcised because when I go down there I don't want to be, you know, stroking it and seeing the head pop out of the little hood like. That's what it looks like, fellas. Promise you. When I was in college I was really broke. So I decided to do what any brave woman would do for our great nation. And I decided to try out for a strip club. So I walked into a Strip club. And, you know, you have to dance for them. You go. That was their exact reaction, so they hired me as the pole. Yeah, that's. That's my one minute.

[C]

Exactly a minute from Paulina Perez. Welcome, Paulina.

[E]

How long you been on standup?

[R]

I started two months ago.

[C]

Nice.

[E]

What made you want to start two months ago?

[R]

I had. When I had, like, a real job that I would just say really? I. Out of pocket. So. Yeah.

[E]

What was the real job?

[R]

I used to work at an AI company at a startup AI company.

[I]

Okay.

[E]

And you'd have to show up at the office for that.

[R]

Yeah, I did. Yeah.

[I]

Yep.

[R]

Be a goofy guy.

[E]

Yep.

[R]

At the office. Yeah.

[E]

So, Paulina, is that true? You're a bi Mexican?

[R]

I am a bi Mexican.

[E]

So what's your. What do you think your ratio is? Is it pure? 50? 50. Do you lean towards one or the other?

[R]

Oh, I usually. I mean, I told you, I make bad decisions. I usually go for men, so Mexican men, which is even worse.

[G]

So you're just a normal Mexican.

[C]

Normal Mexican.

[G]

No mames way.

[C]

No mames.

[R]

We all like a little bit of women. Yeah. There's always some.

[K]

Why do we say bi Mexican? Like you're a unicorn. Like you're like, I'm a bi Mexican. Are Mexicans not normally bi?

[R]

No, no, they're usually closeted women.

[E]

Oh, yeah.

[K]

Well, I learned that live. Yeah.

[R]

Yeah.

[E]

You can normally tell, I feel like, when you see a. A lesbian. Ish. Mexican lady, because, like, they have like, the. The hair and the face. It's like a round face. They basically kind of look like Francisco, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Haircut. Yeah.

[C]

There's no very ladylike Mexican lesbians.

[E]

It's always.

[R]

Do we look alike? Is that what you're saying? Is that racist to say you.

[G]

I can be by for you if you want to. I don't.

[E]

So, Paulina, what do. What is. What is your favorite thing about hooking up with a lady?

[R]

O. Definitely the boobs. Men don't have that.

[K]

Wrong. I got a pair of Turn day around, round.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[K]

Hey, catch me on. On a jog. I'll get you going. Yeah. And I've got some pointy nipples.

[C]

It's crazy.

[A]

I got big areolas, like, take up the whole boot.

[C]

All right, all right. Red band, very good. Disgusting.

[E]

So is it also only pretty much Mexican women that you like hooking up with?

[R]

Yeah, basically. Right.

[E]

So being a Mexican, when you're being lesbian. Ish. As a Mexican, do you have trouble flicking the bean or do you want to just Eat it. Because your people love beans so much. Do you understand what I'm saying?

[R]

Yeah.

[G]

Okay.

[C]

It was kind of a reach, a rare Mexican lesbian joke. But these are the. These are the shots I take. You know what I mean? You ever see Steph Curry before the game? He's, like, on the other side of the court shooting balls. It's not really supposed to be on the actual.

[E]

Okay, right, right.

[R]

Got it. I like eating bean.

[E]

What?

[R]

I like eating bean.

[E]

Perfect.

[C]

Yeah, there you go.

[E]

You said it. You can have that one. So, Paulina, very, very interesting. What do you do for fun?

[R]

Well, I. I'm a writer. I write.

[E]

What part of San Antonio do you live in?

[R]

I'm not from San Antonio. I'm from California. I'm from Southern California.

[E]

Okay. What part of Southern California?

[R]

I'm from Riverside. Come.

[E]

Okay. Yes. The San Antonio of California.

[C]

We know it very well. We know it. Sure. Very well.

[R]

Yeah. I'm actually from, like, a rural area, so, like, the most interesting thing about me is that, like, on paper, I'm, like, a redneck, Redneck Republican. Like, I, I. I, like, shoot ducks out of the sky for fun.

[G]

Okay.

[R]

I'm a duck hunter.

[E]

Okay. Francisco.

[G]

Does your family know you're by? Because in Mexican culture, you know, they don't like that.

[R]

Yeah, they know. Know.

[G]

They know. What do they. What do they say?

[J]

Yeah.

[K]

Does your dad Paul know about this?

[R]

My dad Paul? Yeah, my dad's dead.

[K]

Oh, well, that doesn't hurt my feelings.

[R]

Actually. He told me I could be whoever I wanted to, so, you know, before he died, he gave his blessing to be an LGBTQ community. Yeah.

[E]

Wow. Incredible.

[C]

How do you die?

[R]

Can't.

[G]

When she told him.

[C]

Very good. Yeah. He died from finding out his daughter was bi.

[R]

Yeah.

[K]

I do want to say this. Two months in, getting up in front of this audience, that's extremely brave.

[C]

So that is really good. Absolutely.

[K]

Not for nothing.

[R]

Thanks.

[G]

Very confident.

[R]

Thank you. I appreciate it.

[H]

Appreciate it.

[E]

I completely agree. Paulina, any other crazy, fun facts about you that you think make you different than other people?

[R]

Well, if that wasn't. I mean, there's a lot. Yeah, there's a lot. I mean, I. I hunt ducks. I worked for AI. I'm a writer. I got this cool hair.

[E]

What do you write?

[R]

I write about AI. AI policy. I write about philosophy, about cultural stuff. I actually just wrote about Dave Chappelle, too. I don't know. I just write about everything.

[E]

Interesting.

[R]

Yeah.

[E]

Mexican AI. Or as I call it, AI.

[R]

Oh, there you go.

[E]

There you go.

[C]

There's another one. You like that one better than the bean. One better than the bean.

[R]

You actually took my joke. I have a joke that like the next. The next. To get back at Trump, we gotta elect a Mexican as the next U.S. president. And instead of the IRS, it'd be the III RS.

[E]

Okay, there you go. Yes. III is the thing Mexican people be saying.

[R]

And instead of Medicare, we'd have the sana sana kolito de Rana care.

[C]

I'm gonna check in with Francisco Ramos on this one.

[G]

I agree with that.

[D]

That's a good.

[C]

Perfect checks out.

[E]

You're very, very funny, Paulina.

[C]

Here's a big joke book. Congratulations. Two months in, you're on a great. You're on a great path. You're doing everything right.

[R]

Thanks so much.

[C]

I appreciate it. Paulina Perez, ladies and gentlemen. And we keep moving on your next bucket pool.

[E]

You guys having fun out there, huh?

[C]

It's a reminder. Derek Stroop nostalgic on Netflix. Francisco Ramos still learning. It's a available everywhere. Amazon, Apple, YouTube, TV, everywhere. We're at MSG August 7th and 8th for you East Coasters. And as you now know, we are doing Las Vegas November 13th and 14th.

[E]

So get out of the winter cold wherever you are, and come hang out

[C]

in Vegas for a fun weekend. Couple kill Tony. Back to back on a Friday. Saturday.

[E]

All right, back to the bucket we go.

[C]

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Mike. Mark Cunningham, everybody.

[N]

Yeah.

[M]

What's.

[N]

What's up?

[G]

Hi.

[N]

How you guys, ladies and gentlemen, doing tonight? A little nervous here. I'm in front of the legends here. Dean Martin over here with the cigarette. A. You're so sexy, man. No, I want to make a reveal. I want to make a reveal about Tony.

[L]

We.

[N]

We go way back.

[J]

We.

[N]

First time we ever had intercourse was in February. You remember that? This man's a sexy. I mean, bro, like, we. That was fun. I. I want to. I want to explain it, But. But after the. After I. After we had our intercourse back in February.

[E]

Tony.

[N]

Tony ain't gay, man. He's straight. Like, you should have seen it. It's like. It's like Heidi stuff over here, man. Like, bro is if. If comedy is this. Let's go, bro. Let's go.

[Q]

Danny.

[N]

Yeah.

[E]

I've never been more scared in my life.

[C]

Welcome to the show.

[E]

Mark, are you.

[C]

Have you ever done stand up before or did you just prepare that? I once you fake monologue to you remember? Maybe I blocked it out. Maybe getting butt by the. The bad guy from home alone. One who ended up being the good guy so technically, he wasn't the bad guy. Old Man Shovel Slayer ended up being a hero in the end. And here he is, live in the flesh.

[N]

Hey, I ain't no Unabomber. I'm a lover.

[E]

Okay, we get it. Are we gonna be able to get anything real out of a possible interview with you, or is this.

[N]

Just go.

[E]

So have you ever tried stand up before?

[N]

Yeah.

[E]

Okay, for how long? How long you been trying?

[N]

I played a lot of poker. I've talked a lot of. At a poker table.

[E]

Okay, so you've never done stand up up, Mark. And your plan.

[N]

I've done this.

[E]

Okay, so let's try it again.

[C]

Here we go.

[N]

Don't stand up. Like, three years. Y.

[E]

Three years. Okay. Where at?

[N]

Well, I've been kicked out of a lot of places.

[E]

I can see why, Mark, but I'm

[N]

starting to figure it out. I feel. Because you brought me up here.

[E]

Okay, can you give us at least a state that you did stand up in?

[N]

It's. Well, I'm from a city called Slutsville, so. It's a very beautiful city. It's for. There's a lot of community and love, and it's. Have you ever heard of Oklahoma?

[H]

No.

[N]

Oklahoma.

[C]

Oh, Oklahoma. Yes.

[E]

Yes, we've heard of Oklahoma.

[N]

Oklahoma means red people. That's what Oklahoma means. And I'm a red person.

[K]

Partly.

[N]

Not much, but partly real.

[E]

Elizabeth Warren Energies over here.

[C]

That's about right.

[A]

Yeah.

[N]

So. No, but seriously, like, if you guys have heard of Oklahoma City, they're world champions and blah, blah, blah. Now, you lost this year, but if you've ever heard of Tulsa and if you're dyslexic like Tony is.

[E]

Yes, I'm a gay dyslexic man.

[N]

If you spell Tulsa backwards, it's a slut. That's what they call it. Slotsville.

[E]

Amazing.

[N]

Tulsa, Oklahoma. We're lovers there. Yeah, you didn't believe that, did you?

[E]

So let me ask you a serious question, Mark.

[F]

Mark.

[E]

Did you drive here or fly here

[C]

from Oklahoma for this?

[N]

Hey, I. I don't want to hurt nobody. I didn't. I didn't drive. No.

[K]

Well, if he gets enough copper, he'll drive back.

[C]

Yeah.

[K]

It just depends on if he can get enough copper. Because trust me, where I'm from, I know what they look, that guy's here for copper Tony. He's acting like he slept with you. He want. He wants the copper off of the air conditioner.

[E]

No doubt. Out.

[C]

Cadillac converter.

[K]

Good God.

[H]

I wish.

[N]

I wish I could tell the story about our first Intercourse moment, Tony, but damn impressive.

[Q]

Go.

[E]

Go ahead, describe it more.

[C]

I want to hear this fantasy that you've had.

[N]

So this is the fantasy I had. So we're at Misty's over here next door, and.

[E]

Yes, Misty's. We all love hanging out at Misty's.

[K]

Misty.

[E]

Yeah.

[N]

And so it's. It's got a lot of legend to it. It's like. Like, it's.

[D]

Word.

[E]

The reason why they call it three years old. Yep. Go ahead.

[N]

The reason why they call it that is pretty cool. Because Mitzy was like this mafioso comic woman in la and she gave Joe his chance, and that's why they call

[E]

it m. Okay, Mark, I'm gonna.

[C]

I'm gonna cut you off.

[K]

Is that true?

[G]

No.

[C]

I mean, she was.

[E]

She's the. She was the creator of the Comedy Store. She created the layout of the Modern Showcase Comedy Club.

[N]

She gave Joe an opportunity.

[E]

She gave everybody an opportunity from Robin Williams.

[N]

What about me? I wasn't there, right?

[C]

Mark, I'm gonna.

[K]

I'm gonna.

[C]

I'm gonna help you out of here.

[E]

Mark, please, please.

[C]

Here you go.

[E]

Here's a. Here's here.

[C]

I'm gonna give you that.

[D]

Take that.

[E]

There he goes. Mark, you gotta hit it, buddy. We love you. There he goes, Mark Cunningham. Okay, there he is. A real hero there.

[N]

Thank you.

[C]

Thank you, Mark.

[E]

Thank you.

[C]

Next time, do a set, but buddy, try to do jokes.

[K]

There he goes.

[C]

Mark Cunningham. Wow.

[N]

This.

[E]

There's some real.

[C]

Real interesting people mixed in here.

[E]

Again, I'm trying to find out if these people drive or fly. Like.

[C]

It's like.

[E]

And did they come just for this?

[C]

Is it like I want. I'm in the mood for Terry Blacks. Maybe I'll sign up for Kill Tony.

[E]

It's like, I don't.

[C]

I can't fathom that people would fly here without preparing.

[E]

It's.

[C]

It boggles my mind.

[E]

But this is the modern state of the world.

[C]

All right, make some noise for your next bucket bull. Jimmy Fontaine, everybody. Jimmy Fontaine. Hell, yeah.

[I]

Sup?

[H]

Sup?

[C]

How y' all feeling, Austin?

[H]

That's what I'm talking about, man. I'm gonna get right into it, man. Shout out to everybody, like to hold on to their high school weight. I got a homeboy, right? He called me the other day, and he don't think he got big. He called me. He was like, hey, yo, man, Jimmy, man, I'm done doing all this, man. I wanna rob niggas, man. I wanna be a gangster. I said, I don't think you could be a gangster, man. He said, why? Cause we 33. I said, nah, Nick. Cause you got hips. You can't be a gangster with hips, nigga. Least you can't be my friend. And you thick, you know what I'm saying? Like, I can't rob a bank with you. And we running away and I start hearing clapping. Cause I'm a clap right with you, bro. I'm a clap. You know what I'm saying?

[C]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[H]

Those was not hands. Like, what the hell is going on, bro? Like, could you imagine, though? Like, we robbing somebody, right? But they blind, right? And they asked us, have you seen the perp? He was like, nah, man. But I heard him. He wears size 12. He had titties and ass. And it's crazy now because, like, you gotta think about it, bro. Cause, like, it ain't a regular lineup no more, bro. When they put us in this type of lineup, bruh, you'll have to do physical activities now. You know what I'm saying? The police put us on the lineup. Like, hey, bro, everybody started twerking and jumping up and down. You gotta. You know how crazy that'd be, man? That's my time, man. My name is Jimmy Fontaine, man. Thank y' all so much for y'. Alls.

[B]

I love it.

[C]

Jimmy Fontaine with a minute and energy. Coming off of the last guy is

[E]

a breath of fresh air. Fantastic. Came here, you prepared, you planned, you performed. Amazing what you can do when given a magical opportunity like this.

[K]

Derek, how long you been doing comedy?

[H]

Well, I started in 2017, but when I went to, I moved to Atlanta. So I started in Orlando and I moved to Atlanta. And because, like, film and everything, I took a whole year off. So I say eight years.

[K]

Okay.

[H]

Like, four years. Started one year off, then four years.

[G]

So you're an actor?

[H]

Actor? Yes, sir. I do stunts, and I'm an actor. Or small time actor.

[G]

Stunts.

[H]

Yes, sir.

[G]

Which. Which one?

[H]

So I do a lot of Tyler Perry shows, man. So, like.

[C]

Oh, hell yeah. Stunts and wigs.

[H]

There you go. Yeah. So, like, I've done, like, Beauty and Black, those. You know, all his dramas and all that stuff.

[E]

Nice.

[P]

Yeah, you have a.

[K]

You have a nice confidence. Like, when you came out here, I could tell, like, the room wasn't too big for you. You were looking at the audience and, like, your delivery and pacing, and I think that's almost. I mean, writing is important, but also you. I mean, you feel like you got the juice. You know what I'm saying?

[C]

Yeah.

[K]

You kind of were holding court there. So I enjoyed That I appreciate it. Yes.

[H]

That means a lot, man.

[E]

Yeah, I love it. You are a true performer, Jimmy. How old are you?

[H]

I'm 33 now.

[E]

33. You're killing it. And you still live in Atlanta?

[H]

Yes, sir.

[E]

Tell us about what it's like living in Atlanta. Tell these boring white people what it's like out there,

[H]

that everything you know about Atlanta is true, man. Like, you know saying, like, I lived in Orlando for, like, 10 years, right? I leave my car window down downtown Orlando. Nothing happened. I moved to Atlanta, man. Someone stole my Cadillac converter out of my car in my apartment complex. Like, it's. It's terrible out there. I'm not even gonna like.

[K]

Yeah.

[H]

And I was at a Fox theater. We was at the Fox theater, and we were just, like, doing the crew release of Black Panther. And, like, my car. My other car got broken into it. Someone took my gun, man.

[J]

It's.

[H]

It's terrible, man. It's hard being black in Atlanta, man.

[K]

I like Atlanta. It's hard, you know? I mean, it's a different place, you know? Everybody loves rap music till they're in a lyric. You know what I mean?

[H]

Yeah.

[I]

Hey, look,

[H]

and for y', all, that don't know when you in a lyric, that means you, you know, say you on a shirt now you got gunned down.

[K]

So 100.

[H]

Yeah. That's what it mean by being in the lyric in a rap song. Either that or you got robbed.

[K]

That's right.

[E]

Hell, yeah. And I missed it. Where were you before Atlanta?

[H]

Orlando, Florida.

[E]

Orlando?

[H]

Yes, sir.

[I]

You did?

[E]

You know Cam Patterson?

[H]

Battle. Yeah. Like, Cam Patterson? David Jolly? Like those? Yes, sir.

[P]

Yep.

[E]

That's our Orlando crew. You've. You done, like, mics with Cam or, like, performed with Cam?

[H]

Yeah, so, like, we started out when. When Cal came in. It's a famous mic in Orlando called the Other Bar. They move it to Harry Buffalo, so. Like, which it was called the Hairy Buffalo. And that's when I kind of first met Cam. And, uh, David Jolly was always, like, one of my mentors. Even when I. I didn't believe in myself, he was like, hey, man, bro, you got it. You got it. You got it, man. Eat these neck. Yeah, you always tell me.

[I]

Yep.

[E]

David Jolly is a very positive guy. We love him. I love it. Jimmy, would you ever have a real job before that?

[H]

I was in the military, So I did eight years in the military. I worked at McDonald's.

[C]

Hell, yeah.

[H]

Appreciate it. Appreciate it, man.

[J]

Thank y'.

[Q]

All.

[C]

Thank you for your service. And Red Band thanks you for your McDonald's Donald service as well.

[A]

I'm loving it.

[H]

I kind of.

[E]

What branch of the military?

[H]

I was in the army.

[E]

Okay, and what did you do over there? Give us a little breakdown over your eight years in the Army.

[H]

So my job was 25, uniform, which is a signal support system specialist. Basically all commo. Right. So anything that happened to do with like setting up the radios that we talk on, the radios inside the tank, the one the OE254K was basically like the retrans cables and everything like that. That's what I did and that was my actual job. But like when I deployed, all I had to do was like fix routers and wi fi's, right?

[G]

So like radio like you worked like in best bike. Basically.

[D]

I could.

[H]

But like for some reason your military training don't translate over to the civilian world.

[G]

No.

[H]

So like I had to go back to school for that. I was like, yeah, I am not doing that shit right.

[E]

Yeah, well, that's perfect. Seems like you're loving your life. You have a girlfriend?

[H]

I have a wife. Married. A matter of fact, we were married for five years. Our anniversary was June 13th.

[E]

That just path nice five years.

[K]

Nice date for you.

[E]

What does she do for a living?

[J]

She's.

[H]

She's a. She's got a degree in biology. So right now she's a dermatologist. She's a dermtech. So she. Gross. She's a grocer. Which means they just take skin samples and actually like send it off to hospitals and everything to see if anyone got like skin cancer and things like that.

[E]

Wow. Incredible. Five years. How do you keep things fresh in the bedroom in five years? How do you keep things Exciting meeting.

[H]

We honestly, sometimes we act like we don't know each other. You know what I'm saying? You have to refresh.

[K]

That's great.

[G]

That's good.

[H]

You have to refresh it every time. Gotta refresh it. So like what we do is like, you know, saying I'm like, oh, I act like I just met her all over again. So I was like, yeah, oh, how you doing there, sweetheart? You know what I'm saying? Like I break in the house sometimes. I mean like I feel like that's got of like, you know, that's like.

[C]

So great. Francisco Rama.

[G]

Is she, Is she, is she black?

[H]

Is she what? Yeah, she's black.

[G]

She's black. Okay.

[H]

Yes, sir.

[G]

No, I just.

[H]

She's kind of used to it now.

[C]

Yeah, you can't do the fake break into the house if it's a White lady. It doesn't quite work. The saying.

[H]

Listen.

[E]

Ah, amazing. That is so funny. You're a funny guy. Jimmy, tell us another fun fact about your life. Anything wacky about you? What's the whitest thing about you? You have like a Pokemon card collection or anything? What would surprise us?

[H]

I really. No, I really do have a Yu Gi.

[B]

Oh.

[H]

Collection though. But I like, that's. But like, I think the whitest thing about me is, like, I've done a lot. Like, I've done a lot in my life. Like, I graduated high school, I graduated college. I have a bachelor's degree.

[A]

Yeah.

[H]

I feel like that's why a lot of people.

[C]

Where we from, man.

[J]

Hold up.

[C]

Let the record show that's technically the most racist thing that's been said on this episode.

[K]

So wild.

[H]

Yeah.

[K]

Could you imagine?

[A]

Let's reverse it.

[K]

I go, have you ever done anything white, like graduate,

[C]

by the way?

[A]

Would have been.

[C]

Would have been hilarious. I would have passed out from laughter. But it may have been rough for some of the listeners.

[K]

Everybody knew I was joking. Still didn't play great.

[H]

I mean, I don't know. I pay my bills on time too, so.

[C]

Wow, look at this.

[E]

The people in Atlanta are going to

[C]

be pissed at you when you go back there.

[H]

Oh, man, I ain't trying to get jumped, man.

[K]

No. 33 years old.

[H]

Yes, sir.

[K]

Black folks have the best skin.

[C]

It is incredible.

[A]

Really.

[K]

Your skin, it's incredible. I would never guess 33. I mean, if you were at a fair, you'd be. Hell, they'd never guess your age, bubba. Yeah, yeah, 33. You look good.

[D]

Good.

[H]

That's crazy. You said that about my skin too, man. Cuz like last year I came down here for like the Moon Tower Comedy Festival, and a white lady said the same thing. Like, true story. She was like, oh, yeah, you got nice skin. I wish I could rip it off and wear it. And I didn't.

[G]

Wait, what?

[C]

See, they always go a little too far.

[G]

These white ladies did that. Did that lady had a dry vagina.

[A]

How did I get. How did I get.

[H]

I a get. We ain't get the intimate yet. We ain't get that close, man.

[C]

They always take it a little too far.

[E]

You have nice skin.

[C]

I'd like to wear it.

[J]

It.

[H]

Yeah, we were at the speakeasy last year.

[G]

Do you have any kids?

[H]

No, we don't have any kids yet. We have a cat, though.

[G]

Okay, that's not what.

[A]

That's the whitest thing about you,

[C]

that is.

[H]

Oh, I didn't know. I thought Everybody had cats.

[C]

What color is what? What color is the cat?

[H]

We have a black, short hair cat.

[E]

That's right. See? So it's pretty close to a kid.

[C]

Indoor or outdoor cat?

[K]

Do you fight on?

[H]

Nah, no, no, no, no. We don't. We don't do cat fights, man. It's an indoor cat, though. Like, she's afraid. Like, she's been treated and everything. She doesn't go outside.

[E]

What's her name?

[H]

Salem.

[E]

Oh, nice. Yeah, very nice.

[H]

Kind of, you know, saying like, Sabrina.

[E]

She up to any wacky business ever? She ever misbehave?

[H]

No, not actually. No, she doesn't. She's amazing. Like, that's the one. Like, I love the cat. I'm not going to lie. I love, like. And I hated cats at first. I hated cats.

[E]

And then it was your lady that wanted the cat.

[I]

Yeah.

[H]

Yep.

[E]

How long have you had the cat for?

[H]

We had it for a year. January 2015. 2025 is when we got.

[E]

Look at you. You remember the birthdays, the anniversaries.

[C]

This guy's unbelievable.

[K]

And you can tell he loves that cat. Yeah, Yeah, I love that.

[E]

Y. Yeah.

[I]

Yep.

[E]

So let me ask you this. Did she. Did you guys go in on the. Like, did you guys plan for the cat together or was she kind of like, I want a cat, and you're kind of like, I don't know. And then she just got the cat.

[R]

Cat.

[H]

Now she. She asked me a couple of times. She was like, are you sure? Like, I'm getting. Because I. Because of my job and everything, working the film. She could say she got lonely at the house.

[R]

Yeah.

[H]

So I was like, nah, I really don't want a cat because I don't want to have to clean up after. And then she was like, you know, cats actually clean themselves. I was like, all right, cool, we can try it. You know what I'm saying? And then.

[G]

You didn't know that.

[H]

No, I did not.

[G]

You didn't know cats clean. You thought they were like, dogs.

[H]

Yep. And so, you know, I found out that you not. You can't. Well, you could, but you shouldn't wash a cat yourselves.

[G]

Wait, you wash the cat?

[P]

Cat?

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Francisco. I love Francisco's follow up.

[E]

You did not know. You did not know cats are self cleaning animal.

[P]

Who do.

[E]

Who do not know that?

[G]

Why do I sound Japanese?

[E]

You.

[J]

You

[E]

thought you could wash cat.

[C]

That made you a little more Asian than you are there.

[E]

You thought you wash cat. Amazing. All right, Jimmy, I feel like I could ask you questions forever. I just love your style and Energy. Here's a big joke book. There you go.

[C]

You're the man. Jimmy Fontaine. Come back anytime. Sign up anytime.

[H]

Yes, sir. Thank you so much.

[E]

Shout out your social media so people can follow you.

[H]

Oh, you can follow me at Jimmy Fontaine. SC J I M Y F O N T A I N E S

[C]

C. What's the SC stand for?

[H]

South Carolina. I was born in South Carolina.

[E]

Okay, awesome. There he goes.

[C]

Jimmy Fontaine. Ladies, we have one last poll. One of my favorite things about this show is some of my favorite door guys. Some of my favorite door guy comedians. You know, every commit. Every door person here is a comedian, just like at the Comedy Store. And a lot of these people, just like at the Comedy Store, Some of the most, truly the most promising. Rising talents, like undeniable forces that will be su Wildly successful touring comedians one day. This is, without a doubt one of those guys. He's been on this show a few times. Just organically pulled him out of the bucket. I'm pretty sure he's working a shift here tonight. One of the best writers, one of my favorite humans in the club. Make some noise for the long awaited return of Miles Johnson, everybody.

[J]

Hello. Hello, white people. It's good to see you all. I love whites. Whites are great. Kind of makes.

[G]

Thank you.

[J]

Just kind of makes this next part a little harder to say. If what the liberals have been telling me is true, white slavery is coming. I understand. It's not the best news to hear from me. I get it. I'll be good to you. All right. I don't want one. All right. I'm a nice guy. Can you imagine a guy like me? Guy in glasses, just fucking. Just fucking.

[E]

Oh, boy.

[K]

Come here, boy.

[C]

Oh, God, that feels right.

[A]

What,

[J]

Your name is Davion now, boy. Some poor white guy just fucking.

[R]

Just

[C]

Luke Bryan.

[J]

My name is Luke Bryan.

[C]

Absolutely unbelievable as always. Freak of nature, writer, performer. Truly one of the funniest people I know.

[E]

Miles Johnson. Miles, you're hilarious.

[J]

Thank you.

[E]

You're always so funny. Truly a freak of nature. How's life going?

[J]

Pretty good. I didn't think I was gonna go up. I smoked like a whole joint in Mitzis.

[E]

Nice. Hell, yeah.

[H]

Yeah.

[J]

Do I seem high?

[K]

No, I mean, besides your shirt being tucked in.

[G]

No,

[K]

but I do that. I take dabs and sometimes I'll rip one. I'll go, I think I'm going to tuck it in.

[M]

Yeah,

[K]

you just got a little lightning.

[C]

Absolutely right. A little lightning. Did you tuck it in after smoking? Yeah, yeah. It's one of those anxious, uncomfortable Tu. You go, do I.

[K]

Do I look real high now? Do I look high now?

[J]

A man in a. A man with a shirt tuck could never be high.

[A]

That's right.

[J]

I'm a businessman.

[E]

You don't normally

[J]

backs out. It's a little belly mullet. It's a little mullet actually. Front's tug, back's a party.

[K]

My funny stuff, man.

[C]

Yeah, very.

[K]

That was. That original comedy is so fun, not like worn out premises and stuff. Like, I've never seen anybody do a joke like that. And it was. It was great. It really was. The Luke Bryant part.

[A]

Yeah.

[K]

Had your boy in a headlock. I like it.

[C]

Luke Bryan.

[A]

It's great.

[E]

Always the writing on you is what stands out above and beyond. Have I had you do that favorite joke of mine on this show before? Oh, the one. Did you do that before?

[J]

I did it the first time.

[E]

Will you do it again? Do it again for these people? It's so.

[B]

Yeah.

[H]

And it's like.

[C]

But I built it up a little bit. So just pretend like everything's normal.

[E]

But I swear to God, it's so good. It's incredible.

[G]

Untuck.

[E]

Untuck the shirt. Untuck the shirt. It's the only thing.

[J]

No, it's helping. It's helping.

[C]

It's the only thing that could mess this up.

[G]

There you go.

[Q]

All right.

[J]

Put my pants up.

[E]

Maybe tuck it in in the back a little bit. No, I'm kidding.

[D]

I'm joking.

[C]

I'm joking.

[E]

Give me a sec. Oh, I got it.

[A]

I got it.

[J]

Hey, do you think pedophiles would like kids with big dicks? Cause you think, like, they would, right? You think they would. But at the same time,

[M]

at the

[J]

same time, you know, at the same time, they see a kid with.

[E]

I'm a little high.

[J]

I got it.

[G]

I got it.

[M]

It.

[J]

You think they'd like kids with big dicks, but at the same time, you think a guy, you know, little pedophile gets a kid with a big dick and he goes, get the fuck out of my. Get the fuck out of my van, you horse dick freak. If I wanted to suck a man's penis, I'd just be gay.

[C]

See? It's unbelievable. It's unbelievable. It's on. It's an unbelievable joke.

[J]

We got there, dude, we got to it.

[C]

So great. I knew it'd be worth it. You are high as fuck. I don't know. If I didn't know, I thought it was.

[J]

The show's about the end.

[G]

It was.

[E]

You were the last bucket pool of the night. It happened perfectly. I like the fact that you're high as fuck.

[J]

You feel more natural.

[G]

You speak faster. Like.

[H]

Or like.

[G]

All right, now that you're high, you.

[H]

You like.

[G]

Because I thought that was your thing, like being high. But like, when you.

[K]

When you're asking people that.

[G]

What. But like, when you're not high, like, when you're high, do you. Are you faster when you speak fast?

[J]

No, I was being. I think I was trying. I'm actually really slow. I was trying to. I was.

[G]

What the.

[J]

I was trying to.

[G]

Oh, you're.

[J]

I was trying to make it faster because it's a minute, but it's a long. It's actually a really long joke.

[G]

No, because I like how you started. Because you took. How you took. You took like.

[E]

He is very connective. Every time I've ever seen him, he doesn't rush. Rush anything. He, like, really lets the crowd feel him out and connects with everybody and then executes. Now, Francisco, you don't smoke that much pot, right?

[G]

You want to get up. I mean, I was at the comedies.

[E]

Pretty epic. Pretty, pretty epic. Story in with with Woody Harrelson. Austin, Texas resident and one of the all time great, greatest everythings, especially people

[C]

to hang out with, period.

[E]

They say, don't meet your heroes. For the love of God, meet Woody Harrelson if you get a chance.

[C]

He's the coolest guy on planet Earth.

[E]

And a fun fact about Woody is he grows his own extremely organic marijuana. And I've been lucky enough to smoke with all the greats. I think I've mentioned this on the show before, Snoop.

[C]

This that everybody.

[E]

And Woody Harrelson by far has the best marijuana on planet Earth, and he has the best personality on planet Earth. So when you're around him, you tend smoke. People that don't smoke tend to smoke around him. And people that do smoke tend to smoke more than they would normally smoke around him because it's really good. It's not like I don't feel good pot. It's like so good. Until you smoke too much in Sweet Francisco during the Netflix is a joke festival. Smoked too much. And he did what we've all done at some point and greened out. And I don't know if you guys have ever done this before where you kind of fucking kind of kind of faint out. But he got caught midair by me, Woody Harrelson, and some of Fiona Collie's wheelchair.

[C]

And Woody, who I'm guessing has done this perhaps tens of thousands of times because it has to happen around him.

[E]

A lot. Who absolutely was the first thing that

[C]

Francisco saw when he came back to and opened his eyes.

[J]

Eyes.

[C]

And it's just Woody Harrelson right in

[E]

your face going, it's all right, buddy. You're going to be good. You're good, pal. Just breathe. Come on. We got you.

[G]

All I hear was like, wood is here, buddy.

[C]

Wood is here.

[G]

And I'm like, what the Happening. Am I in a movie? What the.

[C]

And in real time, I'm like, this is the highlight of anybody's. Netflix is a joke festival.

[E]

Like, getting Too high with Woody Harrelson.

[A]

Did he do, like, the wobbly. Like, I'm about to. Did he just fall down? Like, what happened?

[G]

I just passed out.

[H]

And I.

[E]

No, he did the.

[C]

What everybody does, and I've done this

[E]

many times is it's been a while. But you b. Used to do it way back in the day is you try to escape because you don't want anybody to see you.

[G]

Kind of not feel like, I want to come out. I need to get some fresh air.

[C]

We were outside. Exactly. And that's always how it is. It's always like, I just have to go to another area that's going to make me feel better. And he was walking fast. It's impossible to describe, but, God, I

[E]

wish I could paint the picture because there were so many people and every.

[C]

There's like this much space to get through. And Francisco was jogging kind of through people for this great escape.

[E]

And then he made it, like, right here. Woody's right there, and Fiona's wheelchair is right there. And just kind of. And we all, like, caught him. What was my point? I don't remember, but it was.

[C]

It's just an epic, epic, epic story. Cuz Francisco and I, when you start

[E]

at the Comedy Store 19 years ago, you don't think you're going to have,

[C]

you know what I'm doing breathing exercises with.

[G]

He was like, come on, buddy, just inhale. One, two, three. I was like, what the.

[E]

We did it all. Miles Johnson, I find you to be so funny. I'm going to do something special here that I don't think I've ever done before. And I'm going to award you a panel position on an upcoming episode of the show. I think it's time that the little

[C]

baby boy is all growns up. We could sit here and jam an episode, and you'll be on the whole goddamn show. And I'd love to be on the Secret show Thursday if you want to be on the Secret show Thursday. Secret show as well, amazing. A wild success, truly. That's the future right there. Miles Johnson, ladies and gentlemen. Hell, yeah, brother.

[E]

You're the man.

[C]

One more time for Miles, everybody. I'm telling you, he has so many great jokes, like that pedophile one. But the pedophile one was the one that I fell in love with. I would just be gay if I wanted a horse.

[A]

He's my favorite kind of comic. Like, silly, goofy.

[C]

He's so good, takes his time, time feels the crowd. Always different.

[E]

Well, ladies and gentlemen, we've made it to the end of the show.

[C]

And if you guys are fans of the modern era of Kiltoni, you will know that our current, undisputed, undefeated, most powerful regular is just on the other side of that curtain. He is an anomaly. His writing, delivery, everything. Absolutely incredible. I'm just a super fan. I get to sit back and be a fan for a minute every single week that I bring this guy out, make some noise for a brand new minute. From the Real Deal. This is Pat o', Neill, ladies and gentlemen.

[J]

Folks,

[D]

other night, I was out on a date with this girl, told me she was wearing a butt plug. I was like, that ain't stopping me. Nice try, Sloppy top. Are we familiar with that term? All right, well, if you're not, it's when a girl gives you a blow job and she's retarded. And getting a blow job from a girl with braces can be dangerous. So make sure she's old enough. One time I hooked up with a girl so big, one plan B wasn't enough. Had to get her plan B plus, which is just a hoagie with fentanyl in it.

[C]

Okay, thank you.

[K]

Wow.

[C]

Oh, my God. Good Lord Almighty.

[M]

Wow.

[E]

Incredible.

[J]

Thank you, Tony.

[F]

It.

[D]

That guy knows my name.

[C]

Yes, it is indeed, Pat.

[D]

Scary.

[E]

Yeah, you've been getting that a lot. You got people yelling at you on the streets yet?

[J]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

I had one waving to me at the window at a stoplight, which I found very. Yeah, that was the most annoying. Oh, no.

[E]

Yeah. Get scary out there sometimes. Imagine what it's like for them to see you.

[M]

Not now. God.

[D]

Look away, I say.

[E]

Incredible.

[C]

Derek, I.

[K]

The joke writings. Next level. Pat, that was so fun, but I gotta say, it's a little triggered with the hoagie Fentanyl. Because I. That I could. Your boy could fall for that, you know, that sounds like something. Something that would happen to me, but great stuff, man.

[G]

Thank you, bud. So good, man. Like, I love also that.

[C]

Oh, yeah, whatever that is, man.

[D]

I don't know what you're talking about with that.

[K]

No, don't act like you don't have

[C]

a little Beetlejuice, like you're doing it now. I know what he's talking. So funny.

[E]

Pat, what's been going on in life?

[D]

Working on a podcast, getting some wildly mixed reviews. But I am working on it.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

Those. They will. You can't really. You have to. You have to make. Make it for you, not for them. That's my advice.

[A]

I agree.

[I]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

So what are you doing on this pod? Tell us about it. What's the plan? I don't know. Is it called Pot o'?

[I]

Neal?

[D]

It's called Ray Guitards.

[E]

What?

[D]

What?

[G]

What?

[D]

But I agree. Do it for you, Tony.

[O]

Yes.

[C]

That's what I'm. I literally don't know.

[D]

Take your advice.

[C]

Was Ray Keyards.

[E]

Say it again. All together.

[D]

Ray Guards. I don't know what that lady's talking about, but.

[C]

Got it.

[A]

Got it.

[C]

Ray Guitards. Yes. That's actually brilliant. Now that I deciphered it. I think it's great marketing.

[K]

It's something.

[C]

And is there something that you.

[E]

How do you do this pod? Is it just you interviewing your friends, or what is it?

[D]

There's another great comedian here who works another great doorman, Grant Adcock, and then some other guy.

[A]

Grant.

[C]

Nice.

[E]

Hell, yeah. But all very funny people. I think whoever the other guy is might be funny, too. Is it a third guy?

[F]

Yeah.

[R]

Yeah.

[E]

Okay. Perfect. And. And how many episodes have you done?

[D]

Like six? Got four of them out.

[C]

Got it.

[E]

And when you say reviews, what. What are you talking about?

[J]

About?

[D]

They want video, but I don't want people looking at my face. And you know what I mean? What I talk about is my business and my opinions don't represent Kill Tony or the show.

[E]

You don't think people would want to see your face? Your hilarious face? The trademark iconic.

[C]

Unbelievable that it's real.

[E]

Pat o'. Neal.

[C]

Thank you, Tony.

[N]

That's.

[D]

Maybe I'll rethink it.

[A]

Well, what about $5 a month? You get to see your shoes, $10? You get to see your face.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Incorporate some feet pics.

[E]

Hell, yeah. I can't imagine what those feet must look like.

[C]

Odd, oddly hairy toes.

[E]

I'm imagining that's what I picture. Well, that's fun, Pat. Starting a pod. Reiki tards.

[J]

Yes.

[E]

Yes, thank you. Yes, absolutely. I get it now. What else, Pat? Anything else crazy going on in life?

[D]

I've got some Hollywood folks doing some shows for me, so I'll fucking finally be leaving Austin doing some shows in the near future for. So you're going to find folks out there.

[C]

Going to go visit Hollywood, tour this

[D]

great country of ours.

[E]

Absolutely.

[C]

Now's the time to do it.

[E]

You are on fire. You are on top of it all. I mean, if I was, no matter where I was, I would make a long drive to see you.

[A]

He's actually coming to San Diego with me next.

[D]

Yeah, San Diego with Red Band.

[C]

Awesome. Yep. I'm taking you with me to a giant venue in Toronto this week.

[E]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

This won't come out, so no spoilers. I'm going to be with Tony too, in Toronto.

[E]

Yeah, it's going to be great.

[D]

A lot of folks.

[E]

Yeah, a lot of folks speaking.

[K]

Speaking of Toronto, do you have a girlfriend?

[G]

Wait, what?

[D]

Well, based on my set, I clearly. Yeah, I get around, you know.

[K]

Oh, okay. I didn't know if you had one that you came home to after the night ended.

[E]

Yeah, yeah, you do.

[D]

The one with the butt plug.

[C]

Oh, okay.

[K]

I thought that that was just a date. I didn't know that is a permanent situation.

[M]

Okay.

[K]

Well, I just learned that. That. What a wild relationship.

[I]

Yeah, yeah.

[K]

Just going to Chili. She's already got one plugged in. I like that. That's a different triple dipper.

[F]

You know,

[E]

Pat o', Neal, you're just an absolute icon. Dude, I love you.

[C]

You are what it's all about.

[D]

Thank you so much. Thank you.

[C]

He's the man. Pat o', Neal, ladies and gentlemen. And we did it. You guys have fun tonight or what? One more time for Derek Str Nostalgic on Netflix. An unbelievable debut appearance here on Kill Tony as a guest. One more time for the great Francisco Ramos. The legend. My boy, my brother. We started together. We waited in lines in LA and out in the sun outside, outside of the Laugh Factory, outside of the Comedy Store, hoping to get up so that we could do three minutes of material at 6pm on a Sunday. And we are doing it.

[E]

Still learning.

[C]

His brand new special is out on everything.

[E]

Amazon, Apple and YouTube TV. Thanks again to Ted Schaer at Sweet Water Audio.

[C]

Again, we are at Madison Square Garden in August, seventh and eighth for the

[E]

third year in a row.

[C]

Unprecedented. The first ever podcast to do Madison Square Garden is doing it for its fourth and fifth times. I did stand up there one of

[E]

the nights last year and I said that let's do Kill Tony again two

[C]

times in a row. You got the whole crew there. Why not Vegas? November 13th and 14th just announced.

[R]

Announced.

[C]

So that's fun. Come visit us there.

[E]

And fantastic stuff.

[C]

The drawing from Ryan. Je belt is in.

[E]

It's great.

[C]

Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight. Whoa. Pat o' Neill is the joker. Look at that. Awesome.

[A]

God, he would.

[C]

He'd make a great joker. I never pictured that before. That's awesome. Yeah. Thank you to the audience.

[E]

Thank you to everybody.

[C]

Buddy, how about one more time for the best stand? Band land Red band secret show every

[A]

Thursday, sunsetscriptatx.com we love you guys.

[C]

Good night, everybody. Her whiskey hole.