KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Summary

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Kill Tony #719 – Harland Williams

Date: May 20, 2025
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX
Host: Tony Hinchcliffe
Co-Host: Brian Redban
Special Guest: Harland Williams (Guest of the Year 2024)
Band Members: Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, Big Mike (Michael Gonzalez), Sean Greenberg, Jay Styles, D Madness

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Episode Overview

This episode of Kill Tony features celebrated comic Harland Williams as the sole guest, returning as the reigning Guest of the Year. The show unfolds in its classic “bucket” format—randomly selecting aspiring comedians for a one-minute performance, followed by a candid, often hilarious interview segment.

The night is characterized by raucous energy, dark and edgy humor, deeply personal crowd work, morbid yet heartfelt stories, and the classic chaotic interplay between Tony, Harland, Redban, and the band. Topics range from first-time sexual experiences and death, to stand-up aspirations, familial legacies, and outlandish life stories. Moments of raw vulnerability and the unfiltered nature of the interviews create genuine, memorable comedy.

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Key Segments & Highlights

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1. Opening & Introduction

Timestamps: 00:00–03:40

• Tony, Redban, and Harland kick things off, introducing the band and their unique spellings ("Shane/Sean").

• Harland jokes about spelling and Jewish last names:

  "That's what I do. Everyone knows that I am the Sally Strothers of this show." (06:32)

• Introduction of the new "Silver Crutch" award by D Madness, a gag trophy for the night's weakest comic.

• Crowd is hyped; over 200 comedians signed up to compete.

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2. Uncle Laser’s Set & Wild Life Story

Timestamps: 08:09–13:09

• Set: A story about being propositioned to cuckold a married couple, culminating with the punchline:

  “From a distance, her skin was leathery. Up close, her skin was leathery. She looked like an old fucking Buick seat.” (08:24)

• Interview:

  • Laser reveals his first sexual encounter at 12 was also a cuckold situation, with a black man and a Mexican girl in a trailer park.
  • Banter about Adderall use, wild tongue movements, and the “lizardy” performance.

Memorable Quotes:

• Tony: “If you’re gonna make shit up, at least pepper it up with some punchlines, Laser.” (12:11)

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3. Seth ‘Zeth’ Burton: Height, Fatness & Family

Timestamps: 13:41–26:13

• Set: Tall guy, accused of being molested at 12, growing up obese.

• Jokes about his own name (“Zeth”), stretch marks, and “blurbulence” on airplanes.

• Tony calls out his fudged height with a real-time measurement:

  “Yoni is a Jew, so he knows measurements very well. Six-four. Take it from me, I’m 5’10.” (23:39)

• In-depth discussion about living in L.A., fat kid woes, and terrifying airplane turbulence.

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4. Ian Simon: Disability, Baldness & Dad’s Death

Timestamps: 27:44–31:52

• Set: Musings on planned parenthood, baldness, and dark “Allah is the bomb” joke.

• Reveals 20 years on disability due to numerous surgeries; lost his dad to a cocktail of diseases.

• Banter about dermal piercings, unpredictable life, and resilience.

• Tony and Harland marvel at his candor and odd answers:

  “You shouldn’t be out in public anymore.” (31:16, Tony)

• Awarded the Silver Crutch for most questionable set/interview of the night.

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5. Lucas Hinderliter: Nonbinary Dating, Family, Motorcycle Sales

Timestamps: 32:36–44:49

• Set: Dating a nonbinary person; deadpan jokes about identifying and domestic violence.

  “Are you a boy or a girl? Can I hit you, or can we have a beer and watch football?” (32:44)

• Banter about his German-sounding last name, grandfather, and wardrobe choices from Walmart and gas stations.

• Reveals he’s a motorcycle salesman (“I sold your producer a motorcycle”).

• Shares a wild story of splitting a deer in half on a motorcycle and his dad ditching him.

• “Sell me a motorcycle” improv with Harland, prescribing a Honda Rebel 500 as a fitting “girl’s starter bike.”

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6. Phil Smith: Poker Hustle, Schizophrenia Bit, Divorce Love Triangle

Timestamps: 46:07–58:36

• Set: Dark humor about girlfriend’s dead dad reaching out from beyond.
• Phil relates his journey from Rochester to Austin, blowing through savings, working poker tables to pay rent.
• Amazing story about befriending a married open-mic comic, her husband’s controlling ways, and delayed consummation only after divorce was finalized.
• Harland retells a night of outplaying poker pro Doug Polk.
• Discussion about Texas adultery laws and living at the edge of financial ruin.
• Reflecting on cancel culture and choosing one's audience:

  “If those are the people not watching because the news told them I’m a racist, those are the people I don’t want watching.” (58:52, Tony)

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7. Cam Patterson: Mushrooms, Making Girlfriends Orgasm, Acting

Timestamps: 60:26–68:13

• Set: Brags about finally making his girlfriend orgasm for the first time, inspired by roommate sex noises and psychedelic mushrooms.
• Explores the idea of sexual competition and comedic effect of “putting on shoes for traction.”
• Talks acting gigs, upcoming big projects, and being cast as a “retard.”
• Encouragement from D Madness to attack new challenges with confidence.

Memorable Exchange:

"I always ask, 'Did you come?' She'd be like, 'No.' I'll be like, 'Damn. Too bad. Good night.'" (64:01, Cam)

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8. Liv Taylor: Death, Grief, and Moving On

Timestamps: 68:42–78:37

• Set: Jokes about her dead husband and mom, anxieties, and masturbation guilt.

  “My husband, though, he was a freak. I like to say that he’s now watching from his favorite point of view, which is from my asshole.” (69:44)

• Interview: Shares the story of her husband’s drunken fatal crash post-strip-club-argument and her mom’s tragic hit-and-run.

• Opens up about life changes after death, moving to Austin, financial struggles, and being a vet tech.

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9. Alex Tarshon: Beatdowns, Arrests, Wild History & New Shoes

Timestamps: 79:37–100:25

• Set: Deadpan tales of parental beatings and “Goodwill punishment.” Strong, self-deprecating style.
• Hilarious and meandering interview covers everything from playing trumpet while delivering pizzas, getting guns pulled on him, prank-calling suicide hotlines (which made the news), wild drug-fueled travels, and living with eight pit bulls.
• He performs a “trumpet-off” with the band—absurdity at its peak.
• Reveals a self-made cartoon with an unrepeatable name (“The black version of Ed, Edd, n Eddy”).
• Tony gifts him a pair of new Nikes after seeing his shoes are falling apart.

Classic Line:

“This is the only show where people get an applause break for being arrested for pranking a suicide hotline. True art.” (94:51, Tony)

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10. Nicholas Hartley: Racist Grandparents, Rugby, and Cheerleading

Timestamps: 101:25–114:03

• Set: Family Feud, racist grandpa, and uncomfortable truths.
• Opens up about a rural and conservative upbringing, hidden family racism, playing professional rugby at $19/hour, and being a male cheerleader.
• Gives a live “toe touch” and discusses being in an inter-Christian relationship (Protestant and Catholic).
• Banter about trauma, fears (heights, crowds), and reckless youth.

Memorable Quote:

“‘His favorite sport is Family Feud… worst day of his life was when Steve Harvey took over.’” (101:28–101:58)

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11. Cassandra Hartford: Retard Jokes, Commercial Real Estate, and Rough Upbringing

Timestamps: 115:04–129:20

• Set: Brash “retard” run, DNA test, and family in jail.
• Shares her story as a commercial real estate broker, Tesla owner, financial security, and uncertainty about wedding plans.
• Candidly discusses being a double teen mom, having kids as a teenager, and a tough family life (living in a carport).
• Her fiancé is present, and the show riffs on their sex life and origin story.

Memorable Interaction:

Harland: “I didn’t realize that the character Jenny from Forrest Gump was based on you. That really is a rough upbringing, being raised in a carport.” (126:48)

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12. Jovan Afzali: Escalating Punchlines, Sushi Sauce, and Growth

Timestamps: 130:36–135:38

• Set: Series of sharp one-liners about doctor visits, porn, being called George Floyd, and incel blow-up dolls.
• Interview: Describes being a cook at a sushi restaurant, advancing to “sauce guy,” and dreams of being a hibachi chef just to throw food into people’s mouths.
• Banter about job responsibilities and winning a big joke book for his improvement since his last appearance.

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13. William Montgomery: Derby Jokes, Duck Trauma, and Skin Cancer

Timestamps: 136:18–145:58

• Set: Kentucky Derby joke run, dark horse names, and Rosie O’Donnell material.
• Talks about his fitness, rowing for charity, and sponsoring St. Jude’s Hospital.
• Dark banter about skin cancer, eating duck and goose, and future medical appointments (with D Madness volunteering as biopsy support).

Classic Banter:

Tony: “If that itchy pimple turns out to be skin cancer, I’ll buy you a new pair of shoes.” (144:29)
William: “I’m gonna be the first adult to receive the services at St. Jude’s. So you have to leave, little man, and go to my uncle’s pool house.” (145:11)

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• Harland on Silver Crutch:

  “Tonight, I’ll be giving away the silver crutch. Some lucky comedian—the one that needs it the most—get a little extra kick with the silver crutch.” (05:18)

• On measurement and height:

  “Yoni is a Jew, so he knows measurements very well. Six-four. Take it from me, I’m 5’10.” (23:39)

• Alex Tarshon’s cartoon name (he repeats it several times, leading to lots of bleeping and laughter):

  “Nig, Nigga, Nigga.” (96:31, repeated)

• Tony on cancel culture and his fan base:

  “If those are the people not watching because the news told them I’m a racist, those are the people I don’t want watching.” (58:52)

• Cam Patterson, on post-mushroom sex performance:

  “My brain just went, ‘you gonna let that white boy out fuck you, nigga?’ And I put my shoes on for traction and I made that bitch come.” (62:23)

• William Montgomery on St. Jude's:

  “I have made you $3 million since January. I get it, you have leukemia or something, but you're gonna have to get out of the fucking bed.” (145:11)

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Notable Segment Timestamps

• Uncle Laser’s unhinged origin story: 08:09–12:16
• Zeth’s blurbulence/height call-out: 13:41–24:00
• Cam Patterson’s “Putting on shoes for traction” story: 60:26–64:09
• Alex Tarshon’s wildest interview, including trumpet-off and cartoon reveal: 79:37–100:25
• Cassandra Hartford on being a teen mom/rough upbringing: 124:25–127:00
• Family Racism deep dive: 106:44–113:02
• William Montgomery’s discussion of charity, illness, and culinary misadventures: 137:21–144:55

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Episode Tone & Style

The atmosphere is unfiltered and rowdy, veering between the outrageously offensive, empathetic, and sincerely supportive. The show is defined by quick-witted riffing, brutal honesty, and a willingness to probe both trauma and absurdity for comedy. Harland Williams’ dry Canadian timing and Tony’s sharp zingers complement the chaos, while Redban and the band provide both musical and comedic undertones. The energy is highly live and raw, consistently bounding between edge, empathy, and escalation.

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Conclusion

Kill Tony #719 is a quintessential, unrestrained live comedy showcase—balancing raw club energy, morbid personal stories, unfiltered stand-up, off-the-cuff roasting, and unlikely moments of connection. Harland Williams’ presence elevates the interview elements, with multiple comedians getting big breaks or memorable grillings. From Uncle Laser’s wild sex tales to Alex Tarshon’s surreal life recap, every segment leaves a mark.

Standout Takeaway:
This episode celebrates unpredictable humanity, the darkness and absurdity of real life, and the power of comedy to address both with brutal honesty and hilarity.

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Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs or whatever. Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Rick coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new

[Red Band]

episode of Kill Time. Get up on Toter and scrap.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yeah. God damn it, that felt good. How about a hand for Red Band, everybody?

[Harlan Williams]

Hola.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And how about one more time for the best damn band in the land? That is Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo and Big Mike Michael Gonzalez on the drums. I gotta say, he's bigger than ever. He looks huge today. That is Shane Greenberg on the guitar, everybody. Am I saying that right, Shane? Sean.

[Harlan Williams]

All right, S H A A N on my sheet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I had a 50, 50 shot at it. Either could be Sean or Shane.

[Harlan Williams]

This is what happens.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's the cameraman Yoni over there giving me S H A A N. Take a good fucking guess.

[Harlan Williams]

Flip a coin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Never seen Sean spelled that way. But you gotta take a chance.

[Harlan Williams]

Every. What's Shane Greenberg?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One more time. He's a Jew. I do believe Greenberg. Jay Styles joining us on the keys, everybody. John Deeson, Matt Muhling are out touring

[Harlan Williams]

arenas with some big musician or some shit. I don't know what they're doing, but I like these guys. I like Jay Stiles and Sean Greenberg. And believe it or not, this is

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

D madness here on the bass guitar, everybody. Very exciting stuff. I am excited about this episode.

[Harlan Williams]

It's going to be a doozy. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you guys ready to start tonight's show, huh?

[Harlan Williams]

You know, every single week. I know. I always hype up every single week because I book it so that it's entertaining for me. Well, this is one of those weeks where without a doubt, it's entertaining for me and for the people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Because, ladies and gentlemen, tonight is a one guest night. And that one guest happens to be

[Harlan Williams]

the reigning, defending undisputed guest of the year of 2024.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the long awaited return of Harlan Williams. Make some noise for Harlan Williams, people. Come on in, Harlan. Boom.

[Harlan Williams]

Harland Williams of the Harland Highway. So many great things. One of the best comedians in the world. One of my favorite comedic actors.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thanks, Dumb and Dumber.

[D Madness]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Harlan Williams]

There's something about Mary. Employee of the month.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[D Madness]

Is there something wrong with your neck, by the way?

[Harlan Williams]

I get a little excited.

[D Madness]

I feel like they should be in a new movie, the Tourette's movie. What the hell is.

[Harlan Williams]

How we feeling tonight, good buddy?

[D Madness]

I brought a little thingamajig, if I could.

[Harlan Williams]

What happened?

[D Madness]

Well, nothing happened to me. Gang. Comedy gang. But, you know, in all these award shows, they have, like, a silver buzzer, a golden buzzer. And every now and then we get comics. You know, everyone tries real, real hard, like. And every now and then we get one that needs a little help, a little extra help. So tonight, I'll be giving away the silver crotch.

[Harlan Williams]

I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is very exciting.

[D Madness]

Some lucky comedian. In fact, the worst. I mean, the luckiest comedian, the one

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

that needs it the most, get a little.

[D Madness]

Little extra kick with the silver crutch.

[Harlan Williams]

The silver crutch. We've found the sound effect of the silver crutch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is that red band has selected. He never knows what sound's gonna play on his soundboard.

[D Madness]

I was thinking it'd be more like someone's tripping downstairs.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay, let's do something like that.

[D Madness]

Not at the Addams Family house.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay.

[D Madness]

All right. Barney Rubble tripping downstairs. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, how about that?

[D Madness]

I don't use a vibrator, but thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Harland the Reign, defending guest of the

[Harlan Williams]

year, here to perhaps be the first ever two time guest of the year.

[D Madness]

Oh, come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anything can happen. Oh, now, Sally Strothers, Anything can happen. Anything can happen.

[Harlan Williams]

Don't Strother me up, S. That's what I do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Everyone knows that I am the Sally

[Harlan Williams]

Strothers of this show. And so you know how it works, Harland. Over 200 people signed up for this show. They are all in the bar, next store. 200 over 200.

[D Madness]

Oh, dude.

[Harlan Williams]

We're gonna let this. This dying little boy here, very sick with something. I'm not sure what it is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He takes the name, he hands it off.

[Harlan Williams]

It is legible. And you know how it works. When it's their time, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview and me and Harlan find out what the is, what stars are made and idiots are found here out of this magical bucket. For this is the number one live podcast in the world, and you are the returning guest of the year.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's start it off with a bang. Your first set tonight is going to an old friend of the show, a very, very controversial character. Some people love them.

[Harlan Williams]

Some people don't love them at all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, we've been watching them grow over the past couple years. This is a brand new minute from the one and only Uncle Laser.

[Uncle Laser]

Some people got a face for radio. I got more of a face for cuckolding

[Ian Simon]

the bar.

[Uncle Laser]

The other night, older gentleman comes to me, goes, man, we love you on that Kill Tony show. We love you a lot. He said, me and my wife are here. We're doing our vows for 30 years. We met in this bar. He goes, man, it's on my bucket list if you'll have sex with my

[Red Band]

wife while I watch.

[Uncle Laser]

I said, man, you didn't want to go skydiving. You want me to fuck your wife? He said, man, I'll be willing to give you a thousand shekels for your time. Well, let's take a look at her at least. So he. That's never good, you know, this fucking vending machine comes up out of the bathroom. From a distance, her skin was leathery. Up close, her skin was leathery. She looked like an old fucking Buick seat. I said, hey, man, I'm gonna have to. I'm gonna have to pass. He said, man, I need this. I said, I don't, you know? He said, I'll give you $4,000. And I said, you know what, dude? Buick's not that bad of a car. My name's Uncle Laser.

[Ian Simon]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Uncle Lazer, have you told

[Harlan Williams]

that story before on this show?

[Uncle Laser]

I've done that punchline on the back end, but never the story of it.

[Jovan Afzali]

It.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay, yeah.

[D Madness]

All right, Harland, can you do that? Can you, like, do a joke and then just plug in the same punchline from another gag?

[Harlan Williams]

I don't really know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We kind of make the rules as we go along here.

[Harlan Williams]

Laser's a special guy.

[D Madness]

I want to ask you, bro, are you taking a night class in cunnilingus? Because your tongue was going, like, all over the place. You're, like, licking the air.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are very lizardy.

[Harlan Williams]

Is that a side effect? Are you on something?

[D Madness]

You need a snow cone or something? Like, what's that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Too many of those.

[Harlan Williams]

I noticed it took. I measured it seven Seconds before you said anything, you really made a point to make sure the mic stand was where you needed looking at everybody.

[D Madness]

What is he doing? He's trying to.

[Uncle Laser]

I mean, he's Cinco de Mayo.

[Harlan Williams]

Your tongue goes a little wild on Cinco de Mayo.

[Uncle Laser]

That. Been snorting Tahim since I got up this morning.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, look at that red band celebrating Cinco de Mayo. He loves mayonnaise so much. He loves mayo pickles.

[Harlan Williams]

And pickles.

[D Madness]

He thinks celebrating liquor de craco.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, I love it, Laser. So what's been going on, dude?

[Uncle Laser]

Just hanging out.

[Harlan Williams]

Did that really happen? Did you. A woman in front of the husband and.

[Uncle Laser]

And honestly, it may. It reminded me when I first lost my virginity. It was a cuck holding situation as well.

[Harlan Williams]

Do you need another guy in the room to get hard? I needed. He was black.

[Uncle Laser]

Oh, it was a black guy and a Mexican chick. I stole my mama's Jeep Drancheroke, and we went to the Laka Colonia, which means El colony in Spanish, and we snuck into her window. And he let me go first because he was a gentleman, but I was 12, so I don't really know. I was doing, you know, and. And then I feel a tap on my shoulder. This big, beautiful black man with his hard dick. It's a stereotype. Their dicks are huge.

[Nicholas Hartley]

And.

[Harlan Williams]

Wait, what is going on, dude? Holy. Are you talking.

[D Madness]

I love it when a comedy routine transitions so seamlessly into a court case.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, Exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were 12, and there's a giant, hard, black dick in front of you.

[Harlan Williams]

All of a sudden, you need to

[D Madness]

put yourself behind bars, bro.

[Uncle Laser]

Yeah, I was just happy to be there, you know?

[Harlan Williams]

Like, he tapped my shoulder.

[Uncle Laser]

He goes, let me show you how it's done. And then he picked this Mexican woman up, and he, like, put her up against the wall of the trailer house. Well, they wound up falling through the wall into his theater's room, and she starts freaking out. I go, man, they're calling the cops. You know, so we. We drove back home. My mom's Jeep. I wrecked it halfway there, and then cops got him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, this is enough. Jesus Christ.

[D Madness]

The longest story ever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, if you're gonna make shit up, at least pepper it up with some punchlines. Lasers.

[Harlan Williams]

This is criminal.

[Uncle Laser]

I'm just talking about my life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Red Band]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, all right. What are you on tonight?

[Harlan Williams]

I'm not on anything.

[Uncle Laser]

I mean, we had a little Mexican food and stuff, and I drank a couple margaritas.

[D Madness]

That's about it.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Adderall, you know, stuff There it is. There's the.

[Harlan Williams]

I'm not gonna lie to you.

[Uncle Laser]

There's been a lot of Adderall today.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's the Monday.

[Harlan Williams]

You know, who hates Mondays. You gotta celebrate, dude.

[D Madness]

I would love it. I would pay $3,000 if a dragonfly flew right by you right now. Yeah, yeah, You'd eat it. You'd eat it.

[Harlan Williams]

I love it, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uncle Laser, we're gonna get you out of here. We're gonna get to the bucket. Way to get it started. Uncle Laser. Uncle Laser. Might be.

[D Madness]

He might need two of these. He might need a. Oh, oh, here we go.

[Harlan Williams]

My God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There she is. Ladies and gentlemen. It is indeed the lovely Heidi, everybody. Wow.

[D Madness]

Thank you.

[Harlan Williams]

Unbelievable. Wow. There's a desperate, horny man in the

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

middle of the room yelling things at Heidi.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay, to the bucket we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is where we meet people. Chaos happens, and we find out more about them. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted.

[Harlan Williams]

Going to your first bucket pool. Goes by the name of Ze Burton, everyone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Z. Burton.

[Seth Burton]

All right, how are we doing, everybody? Yeah, you know, it's. I'm pretty tall. I come up here. I'm six five, you know, £200. You see any ladies out there? But anyway, so I hit about six five, 200 pounds. I was 12 years old. And, you know, no one really tells you, but, like, that's. You deal with a lot of stuff. Like, I was, like. My nickname's, like, Saggy because I had sagging nipples, you know, like, okay, you can laugh. It's fine. Anything. Also, it's like, they call me Shrek. My football team, you know, and, like, no one tells you. Like, as soon as you. As soon As I hit 12 years old, you know, no one wanted to molest me anymore, man, it was over, you know? God.

[Alex Tarshon]

All right.

[Seth Burton]

This is a common. Oh, God. But. Oh, man. You know. But I'm from Texas. You get up for Texas, everybody.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Nicholas Hartley]

All right.

[Seth Burton]

Let's chill out. Okay. Yeah. Like, growing up in Texas, high school's a lot different out here. Like, we bring anything but a car to school day, so they're showing up in horses and tractors and, you know, in career days, they're showing up in white hoods and crosses, you know, it's pretty crazy. I love it, man. Oh, I mean, no. Oh, shoot. Okay.

[Harlan Williams]

Do you want to finish? Was there something big that you're getting to there? I mean, Harlan's saying, no, no, go ahead, finish it.

[Seth Burton]

Oh, say, like, you know, when I was 15, we had, like, gun safety classes because they Wanted to get to those school shooters early, you know, But I wish they gotten me, though.

[Alex Tarshon]

I mean.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. All right, Seth Burton, let's talk it out here for a second.

[D Madness]

You know what I find amazing? I think he might be the main plot from Uncle Laser's last story.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. Strangely enough, we have heard of 2:12. 100% of the comedians tonight have talked about their sex life at the age of 12.

[D Madness]

Yeah. And in particular, getting molested. Where did the molestation happen, my guy?

[Seth Burton]

I mean, you know, like, dogs and stuff, you know.

[D Madness]

A dog molested you?

[Seth Burton]

Yeah, man. I stole a shoe from a dog. It mounted me, man. And it just, like, just totally, like, kept it tight, so it penetrated me, man.

[D Madness]

Well, you're right, man. You shouldn't be stealing a dog's shoes.

[Seth Burton]

I mean, hey, like, I saw, like, there was another girl, like, who. She was, like, I was gonna save her shoe, you know, like, we were 12 years old. I was like, oh, this is it. And she. I could. You know, there's no Riz to get. Like, if she watches me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus. Seth, shut the up.

[Harlan Williams]

Holy. All right, let's talk about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Put the crutch down for a second.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, my.

[D Madness]

Yeah, this guy. Whole wheelchair. Forget about that crotch, Lord.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay, so, Zeth, how long have you been doing stand up?

[Seth Burton]

Let's see. Close to two years now.

[Harlan Williams]

Two years?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where at?

[Seth Burton]

Mostly now in Los Angeles, but I started here in Dallas.

[Harlan Williams]

You started here in Dallas and now you live in Los Angeles?

[Seth Burton]

Yeah. You know.

[Harlan Williams]

What brought you here?

[Seth Burton]

Well, it's my mom's birthday this week, so I came for that. And I was like, you know what? Let's drive three hours to. You know, let's do this.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Right. Right.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Is this your first time signing up for the show?

[Seth Burton]

It is or it's not? It's my third time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Harlan Williams]

This is your first time on the show?

[Lucas Hinderliter]

Yeah.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Okay.

[Harlan Williams]

Are you any relation to Jack Nicholson?

[Seth Burton]

Oh, I wish. Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

You have a crazy face. Yeah, There it is.

[Alex Tarshon]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There it is.

[Harlan Williams]

Look at that.

[D Madness]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I nailed it.

[D Madness]

Face, man.

[Seth Burton]

Someone said I look like Quentin Tarantino, but now. Thank you. Oh, my God.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay, now, so, Seth, how old are you?

[Seth Burton]

I'm 25.

[Harlan Williams]

25. And what do you do for work?

[Seth Burton]

Oh, I'm. I work at. I give tours at a movie studio.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

And how long have you been doing that for?

[Seth Burton]

About two years. I got the job immediately as I moved out there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[D Madness]

Can you imagine this guy being your tour guide at the end? You better give me a fucking tip. I'm gonna Follow you home, Wendy? Oh, yeah.

[Seth Burton]

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

Okay. Don't make me fall in love with you.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

Guy.

[D Madness]

Can you do me a favor and lick the air for a second?

[Seth Burton]

I can. There we go.

[D Madness]

Yeah, he's definitely part of Laser story.

[Harlan Williams]

We found Uncle's nephew.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

So Zath, you're out there, you're giving tours, you're in la and you came here to celebrate your mom's birthday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was it.

[Harlan Williams]

Did it already happen?

[Seth Burton]

It did already happen, yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

What did you guys do to celebrate mom's birthday?

[Seth Burton]

She bought me some boots. And. And she also took me to a Rangers game.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah.

[Seth Burton]

And then. Yeah, yeah, they suck. But I also, I mean I paid 200 bucks to get over here, so I was kind of like the, the big gift for her because I.

[Harlan Williams]

200 bucks is a. You got your round trip flight for 200 bucks?

[Seth Burton]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Where did you book? Who did what air is this?

[D Madness]

American.

[Harlan Williams]

American.

[D Madness]

Oh yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

200 round trip from LA to Austin. Incredible. Look at that.

[Seth Burton]

Oh yeah. It's probably the worst flight I've ever experienced.

[Harlan Williams]

Why?

[Seth Burton]

Well, you see, like whenever there's turbulence, sometimes people don't really understand what that means.

[Harlan Williams]

What does it mean to you, Zath?

[Seth Burton]

Well, because whenever I'm on a flight, I'm just picture I'm going to die when I'm on the flight. Just in my head, I kind of like view like the. If the plane's going to crash, I don't know it's going to crash. So I just assume that's going to happen.

[Harlan Williams]

Right.

[Seth Burton]

So anything that happens, I'm just. Right. I'm ready to die. Like, you know, I don't, like I don't have.

[Harlan Williams]

Keep going.

[Seth Burton]

Yeah, I have, I have a lot of regrets, but I mean when you die, you die. You don't really know who's gonna tell you when it's gonna happen, so you're just gonna. It's gonna happen when it's happened.

[D Madness]

So. Have you ever died?

[Seth Burton]

I mean there was one time I thought I was gonna die.

[D Madness]

But you haven't died.

[Seth Burton]

No, I haven't died.

[D Madness]

Not yet. Shut the fuck up.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All these fears for absolutely nothing.

[D Madness]

Tell us something you know about Guy.

[Seth Burton]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Have you really come close to dying at any point? Turbulence has 0, 0 negative effects on a flight. It's a natural thing and doesn't. It doesn't mean anything.

[Seth Burton]

It doesn't know.

[Harlan Williams]

Your risk of dying is the exact same as when the flight is completely smooth. I know this because as some of you know, I'm a professional pilot.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

I'm also a Canadian doctor. Very good. Perfect timing on that.

[D Madness]

It's actually a good thing, right? Like when you. When you feel the plane go up like that, that means that you've got lift, there's thrust under the wings. That's the first law of aerodynamics. Dairy Queen lick hair.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, it is true. It is absolutely true. What are you into? You can't possibly want to be a tour guide for your entire life. So what are your main goals here?

[Seth Burton]

Well, my main goal is to be comedian, believe it or not. But, you know, I used to be really fat, like I said, so. I also want to own my own gym someday. Do that. And outside of that, I'm really. I ain't got no ambitions.

[Harlan Williams]

You have a chance, I think, at owning your own gym someday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I would.

[Harlan Williams]

I would pull all efforts into that.

[D Madness]

How fat were you, my guy? Like, how.

[Seth Burton]

Like £300?

[D Madness]

Three Hyundai. Yeah, three Hyundai. What was the fattest part? The arse, the legs, the chest? Did you have a gut? Like, talk to me, describe it. Not for me, for that guy there.

[Seth Burton]

Yeah, probably like the whole belt right here. Like. Yeah, those stretch marks over my stomach. Like, I still got. I still got, like, the stretchy skin right here.

[Nicholas Hartley]

I got.

[Seth Burton]

My whole arms are always.

[D Madness]

I love. I love stretchy skin.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. Let's see that. Fucking. Oh, shit. I do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

See.

[Uncle Laser]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Harlan Williams]

Fucking. Absolutely.

[D Madness]

The belly meat. I love it stretchy, man.

[Seth Burton]

That's why I show my arms.

[D Madness]

That wasn't bad at all. No, that was probably what you felt on the airplane, your own stomach slapping you in the face.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, it was blurbulence.

[Harlan Williams]

That's what you did.

[D Madness]

You just come up with, invent a new word. Yeah, blurbulence.

[Harlan Williams]

Blurbulence.

[D Madness]

You use it in a sentence.

[Harlan Williams]

The fat man on my plane was affected by massive amounts of blurbulence.

[D Madness]

That is correct. That is correct.

[Harlan Williams]

So, Zeth, have you ever met anybody else named Zeth with a z? You have.

[Seth Burton]

Yeah, my high school.

[D Madness]

My.

[Seth Burton]

I went to ICE with somebody named Zeth. Yes. And his brother's names are Zach and Zane. My brother's name is Zach and Zane? Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow. A bunch of children of the corn over here.

[Phil Smith]

Harlem.

[Harlan Williams]

Very scary names.

[D Madness]

Children of the popcorn, apparently.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

How scared of you, on a scale of 1 to 10, were you scared of that turbulence on the plane? Be honest. Don't be afraid to look like a, you know, a scaredy guy. Like, on a scale of 1 to

[Harlan Williams]

10, don't be afraid to look like A big tall.

[Seth Burton]

Yeah, I mean, every time I just about. I feel like I was gonna shit my pants on that plane.

[D Madness]

So a 10?

[Seth Burton]

Yeah, I'd probably say a 10. Yeah.

[D Madness]

Can I do something for you?

[Seth Burton]

What's that?

[D Madness]

Does that turn you on?

[Seth Burton]

Yeah, yeah. I'm. I'm bricked up right now, man.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow. What are you into? Seth, do you have a girlfriend? You're 6 5, according to you.

[Seth Burton]

I don't. Hey, according to my doctors too. Okay.

[Harlan Williams]

Really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yoni, let's get a tape measure out here. I'm. I'm seeing six four all day.

[Harlan Williams]

Is anybody else thinking six four?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This sounds like a six four. Guy that's trying to add another inch.

[D Madness]

Well, I'm six.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This guy's saying six three and a half right here. I'm hearing it. We have any. Anybody? How many? Make some noise if you think he's 6 5. Literally nobody. Seth, pop off one of your shoes.

[Seth Burton]

Pop up one of my shoes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're doing it shoeless, buddy. Stand on that left foot.

[Harlan Williams]

There you go.

[D Madness]

There we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Face the audience. Yep. I love how Yoni always makes him turn around that way. All right, you're bending it a little

[Harlan Williams]

bit, Yoni, Just to let you know. Okay, that's perfect right there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. Yoni is a Jew, so he knows measurements very well. Six, four. Take it from me, I'm 5 10.

[D Madness]

Dude, you really know your guys, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. That's right. No doubt about it. I know my guys. That's why I know you're six, too.

[Harlan Williams]

Seth, tell us the craziest thing about your life before I get you out of here.

[Seth Burton]

Well, recently I was in Burbank and, you know, like, that intense. It's pretty intense over there, I guess, but not really.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But it's pretty.

[Harlan Williams]

What? Over there? Intense in what way?

[D Madness]

You live in a tent?

[Seth Burton]

Yeah, I do, actually.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

In what way is it intense?

[Seth Burton]

Well, generally it's not, but, like, I went over there once. I was over there at, like, 11:00pm at night, and.

[D Madness]

You sure it wasn't 10:30?

[Seth Burton]

Hey. I mean, I got.

[D Madness]

Sir, if you could sit the fuck down. Oh, that's a waitress. Go ahead.

[Seth Burton]

And this guy.

[D Madness]

Go ahead, night stalker. Finish.

[Seth Burton]

This guy pulled up in his car and he asked me to come over to it. Like, he said, hey, come over to my car. So I, you know, I came over to his car and he showed me this, like, this. He showed me on his phone this, like. He said, my girlfriend's been kidnapped, and he's scrolling through, like, the sex crafting Website she was on. And then he showed me, like, a pit bull in his passenger seat. He's telling me, like, his family's been, like, replaced with clones. And that is, like, his landlords replaced. The Armenian Russian mafia are after him. His hand was bleeding. I was just in the whole time. I'm trying not to like, like, laugh because I feel like if he. If I did, he was going to kill me. But, yeah, it was probably like, because

[Harlan Williams]

he was, what, 7 foot 3?

[Seth Burton]

Yeah, he was. There's 7 foot 4, actually.

[D Madness]

But, yeah, you know he's one of Uncle Laser's writers, right? Like, this is just a continuation of the last story.

[Seth Burton]

What the fuck is Uncle Lasers do?

[Harlan Williams]

Seth, I'm gonna tell you what. I was gonna give you a medium sized joke book, but since you lied about your height by an inch, we're gonna go one inch smaller and I'm gonna give you a little joke book.

[Seth Burton]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your first bucket pool of the night is Seth Burton, everybody.

[Seth Burton]

Thank you, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fun stuff, Seth.

[Harlan Williams]

There he goes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sign up again. Some other time maybe. Perhaps your mother's next birthday.

[Harlan Williams]

You can come back and sign up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, we're going to meet another one. All together, ladies and gentlemen. Could be the next superstar of the show.

[Harlan Williams]

Who knows?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some noise for Ian Simon. Here we go.

[Ian Simon]

How you guys doing? Everybody good? Fantastic. Fantastic. It's Gl. Oh, this is amazing. I gotta take a piss so bad, I just figured I'd share it with you guys. Didn't have time. So I was thinking, do you think Muslims ever. Do you think Muslims ever say Allah is the bomb? Let's think about random shit all the damn time. I was thinking, like, the best place to pick up women is probably Planned Parenthood. Because, you know, they, you know, there's a good chance they put out and, you know, if things don't go well. Just a suggestion. Let's see. You know what fucking sucks? I've been wearing hats my whole life, okay? Because I didn't want this cul de sac fucking thing. I don't mind the going bald, but why isn't it just all bald, okay? Why the fuck is it. Just doesn't make any sense. You get the cul de sac and then what is this? Anybody else bald out there? Don't lie to me. There's lights. I can see you. It gleams. Anyway, this thing, this island. Why is there a island?

[Seth Burton]

Oh,

[Harlan Williams]

wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm going to stop you right there. Ian.

[Harlan Williams]

Holy. My God. Hi, Ian. How are you? Tony, Hello.

[Ian Simon]

This is crazy doing the band.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay. Hi, Ian. Over here, buddy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Over here.

[Harlan Williams]

And I had a pair of those.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, boy.

[Harlan Williams]

And hi, pal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How are you, buddy?

[Ian Simon]

I'm amazing.

[Harlan Williams]

Welcome. How long you been doing stand up, Ian?

[Ian Simon]

In total? Probably two years. A year and a half. Two years.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay, we're at.

[D Madness]

Here here.

[Ian Simon]

I moved here, let's see, about four or five years ago to do comedy. And the first time I did it was. Was out here.

[Harlan Williams]

When. When you moved here four or five years ago to start doing it. What took you two or three years to start?

[Ian Simon]

So I did it right away when I came out. And I. I did it and kept doing it and then, like, things in life happen.

[Harlan Williams]

What in life happened?

[Ian Simon]

My dad died.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay. How did he die?

[Ian Simon]

Diseases.

[D Madness]

How many?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, how many diseases?

[Ian Simon]

Several. Oh, they were so. They were the ones that.

[D Madness]

By the way. You almost made it sound like a fun pack, by the way.

[Ian Simon]

Oh, no, it sucks, dude. I love my man. We're really close. He had a great sense of humor and.

[D Madness]

He did.

[Ian Simon]

Yeah, he did.

[Uncle Laser]

I don't know.

[Ian Simon]

This is. But like, you know, growing up. Abbott and Costello and that type of stuff.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay.

[Ian Simon]

And what are you fucking laughing at?

[Harlan Williams]

What do you do for work, Ian? Simon.

[Ian Simon]

What's that, sir?

[Harlan Williams]

Jesus Christ.

[D Madness]

You know what I thought of when I first looked at him? If I got to be on. Don't take this the wrong way guy, but when you first walked out, I thought. I've always wondered what it looked like if Shrek was peeled.

[Ian Simon]

Fucking wow.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

And that's a compliment, guy.

[Harlan Williams]

Thank you.

[Ian Simon]

Onions. Onions have layers. And ogres have layers.

[D Madness]

That's right.

[Harlan Williams]

And Simon, what do you do for work?

[Ian Simon]

That's a good question, Tony.

[D Madness]

I.

[Ian Simon]

So. So I've been on. I was on disability for 20 years.

[Harlan Williams]

What was the disability?

[Ian Simon]

Well, I've had. Okay, we'll get personal here. It. I've had surgery on both feet. Three knee surgeries, twice on the left. Left rotator. What happened to 13 hernias?

[Harlan Williams]

Dude, what happened to your feet and knees? What happened?

[Ian Simon]

Adrenaline junkie. Just through the years of.

[Harlan Williams]

So what were you doing?

[Ian Simon]

Oh, I like to go fast. I was a passenger in a lot of them. Mine were mainly with inanimate objects. About 13. Don't count anything under 50 miles an hour. It's quite impressive. I'm retarded.

[Harlan Williams]

Is that a jewel underneath your eye? Is that a piercing of some kind?

[D Madness]

Jewelry there?

[Ian Simon]

It's a dermal.

[Harlan Williams]

It's a what?

[Ian Simon]

A dermal.

[Harlan Williams]

What does that mean?

[Ian Simon]

It means that they go into your face with a little screwdriver. That's got a round razor on it.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay, let me ask you this, Ian Simon, I'm gonna ask you another question so you talking doesn't have to happen. I noticed during your set there was a part because I'm. I pay a little bit of attention. I noticed the part where you were performing and you kind of went like that a little bit, right?

[Ian Simon]

Yeah, maybe.

[Harlan Williams]

Were you pushing one of your teeth into your gum line at least?

[Ian Simon]

16.

[Harlan Williams]

That's a different answer to a different question. Do you even know what I just asked you?

[Ian Simon]

Yeah, something about teeth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

So 16. What?

[Ian Simon]

That was just a random number.

[Harlan Williams]

Okie dokie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ian Simon, everybody. There he goes. You shouldn't be out in public anymore.

[D Madness]

Ian, I think we got a winner here. When the Silver Crutch. My guys take that.

[Harlan Williams]

You won the Silver Crush.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You just handed a person a weapon on this stage. Harlan. There he goes.

[D Madness]

And this is the guy with all the feet surgery.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes. Simon, everybody. There he goes.

[D Madness]

There you go, buddy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes. Bye bye.

[Harlan Williams]

And there you go, buddy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're going to need it for those feet and legs.

[D Madness]

Okay, that was perfect. It was a perfect time.

[Harlan Williams]

There he goes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ian Simon, everybody. Austin police officer. I just saw when the curtain opened. Pretty sure he's just gonna get arrested. Now, everybody, this is a real live show.

[Harlan Williams]

Anything can happen.

[D Madness]

I feel sorry for that crutch, I gotta tell you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, Anything can happen here. Believe it or not, that guy's been doing it for two years. Okay, make some noise for your next comedian, Lucas. Lucas Hinderlighter. Lucas Hinderliter, this is Kill Tiny.

[D Madness]

Oh, wow.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

Thank you, guys. My name's Lucas. I just moved to Austin recently. I've been dating a little bit since I got out here. Most recently, I was in a relationship with a non binary person. Yeah. Someone who identifies as they them. And it was cool, you know, we had a good relationship. I will say the hardest part about dating a they them is we would get into arguments and I didn't know if I could hit them, You know? Yeah, like tell me which one you are. Are you a boy or a girl? You know, can I hit you or can we have a beer and watch the football game? What do we. What are we doing? Thank you, guys.

[Uncle Laser]

A little bit about.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

My name's Lucas Hinderleiter. People often, when they hear my name, they'll say things like, oh, Hinderleiter. That's a pretty German name. That sounds like a Nazi's name.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

And that's when I tell them it was actually my grandpa.

[Harlan Williams]

All right, I'm gonna.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. You got it.

[Uncle Laser]

My bad.

[Harlan Williams]

Welcome to the show. Lucas Hinderleiter. I'm happy to say you are the fourth comedian that went on stage today and the first one to do a joke. Congratulations.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a shocking episode. If there was a reverse silver crutch

[Harlan Williams]

to give out, he would get it right now.

[D Madness]

Well, I love that they didn't react to the molestation joke, but they really warmed up to the domestic violence.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah,

[Harlan Williams]

this is a crowd that likes to see someone get what they deserve.

[D Madness]

Wait, were you shrimping earlier today? What's going on here?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do have a look.

[Harlan Williams]

You have a look like you were

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

on a boat with a purpose.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Were you on a boat today?

[Red Band]

No.

[Harlan Williams]

This is how you dress normally for land?

[Lucas Hinderliter]

No, no, this hat's new. I put this hat on today. I thought this was a good look.

[Harlan Williams]

Where'd you get the hat from?

[Lucas Hinderliter]

Gas station.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, I had a feeling. Yeah, it's got gas station energy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

I thought it was black.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

Turns out it was green.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay. Yeah, it looks green. How about the shirt? What are you wearing? What are you. What? Who are you wearing?

[Lucas Hinderliter]

This is George from Walmart.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow. Incredible.

[D Madness]

More like buy Curious George from Walmart.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Take a sip for that victorious joke.

[D Madness]

Guest of the year.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Lucas Hinder Leiter.

[Harlan Williams]

So welcome. Is your grandpa really a Nazi?

[Lucas Hinderliter]

No, he fought in Vietnam.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, okay. Perfect for the Americans.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

Yeah, it made all the Jews he killed really confusing.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, that makes sense. I mean, Vietnamese Jews, both good at hiding, both good at math. They have a lot in common. Okie dokie. Lucas, how long you been doing stand up?

[Lucas Hinderliter]

About nine years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nine years? Where at 9 99. There you go. Yeah, a red band. Where's your sound effect? Red band. You did it, buddy. That's a big one for you. That's a big one for my little boy, isn't it? Where's it at? Where's it at, buddy?

[Harlan Williams]

You know, where you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your sound effects are

[Harlan Williams]

red. Bam.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

With a 999 German reference.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

Yeah, I started in St. Louis.

[Harlan Williams]

St. Louis.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you been in Austin?

[Lucas Hinderliter]

Like a year.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Harlan Williams]

What do you love about Austin, Texas?

[Lucas Hinderliter]

I don't really, man. I don't really like this place.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Harlan Williams]

You miss St. Louis?

[Lucas Hinderliter]

Well, I lived in New York before

[Harlan Williams]

I moved to New York City.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

And you prefer New York City?

[D Madness]

I like it.

[Harlan Williams]

What do you like about it?

[Lucas Hinderliter]

I like the energy, man.

[D Madness]

I don't know.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

I like, you know, you wake up, there's People walking around makes you want to get out of bed.

[Harlan Williams]

Where you live, out in the country here or something? You don't see people walking around?

[Jovan Afzali]

No.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

I live pretty north, though. It's not.

[Harlan Williams]

You ever thought about moving downtown where people are walking around with energy?

[D Madness]

No.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, you should, because we got that too.

[Uncle Laser]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't have to step over migrants to do it.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

I like that part.

[D Madness]

Yeah, that's like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You like the mic.

[D Madness]

That's my favorite part.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You would. You're a hinder lighter.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You believe in superiority?

[Lucas Hinderliter]

Yeah, I step on them.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow.

[D Madness]

How do you say it? With like a German accent? Your last name?

[Lucas Hinderliter]

I don't know, dude. I don't. I'm not German.

[Harlan Williams]

Red band's German. He's hinder lighter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's hinder heavier. Got you. Where's mine at?

[D Madness]

Like, you can't. You don't say around that? Like, your grandparents don't say dasi shindulai sa. Like something like that?

[Lucas Hinderliter]

No.

[D Madness]

That sound familiar, guy? Dasi sinjulaitua.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

No, my grandmother was British.

[D Madness]

Okay. So that's.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

She said things.

[D Madness]

That's a Hindu light.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

Yeah, she said things.

[D Madness]

Funny.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

Dude, do you know what you are at this point? You're like fucking International House of Pancakes. Like, where. What. What are you, British? German.

[Harlan Williams]

You're redheaded, too. It's interesting. You look Irish. You're wearing green. You got red hair. You're like a little Christma Christmas guy. You're like the world's biggest elf.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

I get Irish a lot. Yeah. I also get people telling me I'm not redheaded. People tell me I'm blonde. I don't know.

[D Madness]

Wow. You know your hat's black, right?

[Harlan Williams]

What do you do for work? Hinder lighter?

[Lucas Hinderliter]

I sell motorcycles. I'm a motorcycle salesman. I sold your producer a motorcycle.

[Harlan Williams]

Really? Yeah.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, yeah.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

I sold him his motorcycle.

[Harlan Williams]

He did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He got a secret motorcycle without telling me.

[Harlan Williams]

I don't like my people close to me on motorcycles. It's very unsafe. I don't trust the other drivers. So I found out that he got a secret motorcycle one day. That's one of the two things. He lives a secret double life when I'm not around. One thing he does is he has a motorcycle. The other thing is he has wacky Martin Scorsese glasses that he wears.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Big producer glasses that he only wears when he thinks that he's not gonna run into me that night. Yeah, Isn't that fun? And every once in a while, I'll give him a rare night off and we'll Just randomly run into each other. And there he is with these big Robert De Niro in his prime glasses. These obnoxious, magnified, just big, square. And I'm positive he goes from bar to bar going, well, I'm the executive

[D Madness]

producer of Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you could tell by my blocked up glasses. I should get on my motorcycle now. I purchased from Hinderlighter.

[D Madness]

Yeah, that's what I want to see. I want to be walking down the sidewalk and see Elton John burning ants.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

When I. When I sold him that bike, he told me not to tell you. He told me not to bring it up.

[Harlan Williams]

He was very like, really? Yeah, he was.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

Because I told him I was a comic and I signed up and he was like, if you get on, don't bring this up.

[D Madness]

What. What kind of bike did you sell him? A Harley BMW.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

He's fancy.

[D Madness]

He's.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

Yeah, he went big.

[Harlan Williams]

I care about the people close to me. And while Yoni is a very qualified motorcycle rider driver, I. I don't like him being out there. I don't like Jews on BMWs, and I don't like Jews on motorcycles. It's Austin drivers, man. Yeah.

[D Madness]

What about a Jew on an Indian?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, you know what I call that?

[D Madness]

What? Dinner.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that's called the old two for one.

[D Madness]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Free red chicken.

[Harlan Williams]

Put the fucking mic down.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Lucas Hinderliter.

[Harlan Williams]

What do you do for fun? What are some hobbies of yours?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You must have some interest, some collections or something.

[D Madness]

No, I speak quickly, La Vindel.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

I mostly just ride motorcycles. It's like. Yeah.

[D Madness]

You ever hit an animal? Like, you're right. What you hit?

[Lucas Hinderliter]

I hit a deer, like, two years ago.

[Harlan Williams]

You hit a deer on a motorcycle?

[Lucas Hinderliter]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

Goodness. What happened, guy?

[Harlan Williams]

There's the sound of a deer for this?

[Uncle Laser]

Yeah.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

I was going like 45. I broke all my ribs on this side.

[Red Band]

Wow.

[D Madness]

I don't care about you. What'd you do to the deer?

[Lucas Hinderliter]

Yeah, dude, I split that motherfucker in half. And so my dad had a couple drinks. He rode up next to me. He said, I can't stop. I'm gonna get a dui. And he kept riding, right? So now I'm laying next to this. I'm laying next to the deer. We're both dying.

[Harlan Williams]

What?

[Lucas Hinderliter]

And we're just watching each other take our last breaths.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn. Welcome to another episode of White Trash. Bambi. This is incredible, dude.

[D Madness]

Was it at night? Yeah, you dummy. You would have been able to seen the deer and he would have been able to see you if you're just holding up the vindelaita. I hope I get hit by a moose tonight. After that. Joe.

[Harlan Williams]

So let me ask you something, Lucas. Are you good at what you do? You good at the selling motorcycles? You know what we're going to do here? We're going to have you sell me a motorcycle. Me, a guy who thinks that they are generally unsafe. Meanwhile, I'll fly an airplane with double engine failure because I don't have to worry about other people getting in my way. So now you sell me a motorcycle. Lighting and action.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

How you doing today, sir?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm good.

[Harlan Williams]

I really don't want to be here. I'm just killing time while my boyfriend buys a motorcycle.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

So your boyfriend rides?

[Harlan Williams]

He rides all right. More of a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

More of a nighttime rider after a couple drinks.

[Harlan Williams]

And then he lays by his deer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's me.

[Harlan Williams]

I'm the gay deer.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

Okay, so are you. Look, you're looking to ride with him.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, you know, we were thinking about getting me a little side cart, but I kind of think I want to ride solo a little bit. Go out on some joy rides at night, separate from the pack. From the. From the pack of men suit.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

So you're looking to cruise? You're not looking to go fast?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, I'm a cruiser.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

Cruiser.

[D Madness]

Okay. All right.

[Harlan Williams]

What should I get?

[Lucas Hinderliter]

Harley. For sure.

[Ian Simon]

Yeah.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

That's what all the gay guys get.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

Yeah, for sure.

[D Madness]

A little sportster.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

Yeah, little sportster. Little sportster.

[Harlan Williams]

What kind should I get, you think?

[Lucas Hinderliter]

Tony for you. Realistically, I'm talking real Tony Hinchcliffe.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

I think you need six.

[Harlan Williams]

Five.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

Okay. Yeah, you need a rebel 500. That's what you need. Look it up.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

Why?

[Harlan Williams]

Okay, he's clapping, right?

[Phil Smith]

That's what I'm saying. Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

All right. Why. Why a rebel 500?

[Lucas Hinderliter]

I don't know. It's kind of a. Just a bland, normal, like nothing special about it bike.

[Harlan Williams]

Jesus Christ. What the.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

It's like, you know, it's every girl starter bike.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what? I'll take two. One for me and one for the guest of the year, Harland Williams.

[D Madness]

Well, if it's a girls bike, just give me a Rebel Wilson 500. How about that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Lucas Hinderliter.

[Harlan Williams]

Anything else crazy we should know about you before we go switch back to normal lights? The motorcycle part's over. Thank you.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

No, I'm happy to be here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You did good. You did damn good, Lucas. Sign up again. Here's the big joke book. We'd love to have you. Very funny interview. Funny stuff, Lucas. Hinderlider has arrived. To the Kill Tony universe.

[D Madness]

Not bad. Are you really going to get a bike, bro? No, I used to ride a Honda Shadow around.

[Harlan Williams]

Really?

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

What's that like?

[D Madness]

Oh, it's like a chopper bike. Oh. The shadow rode around Nagasaki and Hiroshima.

[Harlan Williams]

Huh.

[D Madness]

There's shadows everywhere.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I had a. I had a shadow once. And then I. I hired him as

[Harlan Williams]

the bass player in the band Steve Madness.

[D Madness]

He goes great with Russell Brand, by the way. I gotta tell you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, we're flying through the bucket tonight, ladies and gentlemen. This is 60 seconds uninterrupted for Phil Smith.

[Harlan Williams]

Let's go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's see, we have jokes back to back here. Phil Smith.

[Phil Smith]

You guys having fun at Kill Tony so far? Let him hear it. All right, so my girlfriend's dad's dead. Fine, don't clap. No, he died, like, before I met her. And recently she told me, I think my father sent you to me. And I said, babe, I had no idea you were schizophrenic. Which I'll admit isn't a great thing to say to your beautiful girlfriend. But do you guys know what the worst thing I could have said is? Yeah, he did. I was wondering what that energy was. It was your dead father sending me to you. I am your gift. And then just, like, proceed to use that in our relationship. Like, hang on, he's coming through. He's saying I'm right and you're wrong. You'd think your dad would have your back. Hold on, he's coming through again. I'm getting something. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. Oh, I don't know why your dad's saying this. He's saying we should invite another woman into the bedroom. Thank you, guys. Evan. Phil Smith.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay, Phil Smith.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Phil, Welcome.

[Phil Smith]

Keep it.

[Harlan Williams]

Where are you from, Phil?

[Phil Smith]

Rochester, New York.

[Red Band]

Oh, God.

[Harlan Williams]

Jesus Christ. Upstate New York. The absolute worst. How long have you been out of there?

[Phil Smith]

Since December.

[Harlan Williams]

Congratulations.

[D Madness]

Yep.

[Harlan Williams]

It's your first time being outside of Rochester.

[Phil Smith]

First time living outside of Rochester.

[Harlan Williams]

Incredible. Congratulations. How old are you?

[Phil Smith]

I'm 28.

[Harlan Williams]

And what'd you put your finger up there for? First second. You had, like a hold on a second finger that you put up that I was completely ignored because I'm the host. Go ahead.

[Phil Smith]

Hold it right there.

[Harlan Williams]

Whenever you're ready. Just do whatever you want.

[Phil Smith]

I just didn't know if you knew this. A certain one of your producers is also from Rochester.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I absolutely do.

[Harlan Williams]

I do know that. And I just found out he's out there buying motorcycles. The Guy, secret motorcycles with special big glasses on. Oh, you. You like them all right.

[Phil Smith]

The Rochester connection, Me and Yoni.

[Harlan Williams]

I know. Absolutely. You've talked with Yoni about this before?

[Phil Smith]

Never talked to him in my life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But you just know he's from Rochester.

[Phil Smith]

We know, we know, we know, we know, we know. Yeah, there's just like. Like it's a smaller city and they're like, if you tell someone you're from Rochester, they're like, you know who else is three other people?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. And Yoni's one of those people. Wow. Just think, after the inevitable motorcycle accident, he'll no longer be on that list.

[Phil Smith]

Thin in the pack.

[Harlan Williams]

Absolutely. What do you do for work right now?

[Phil Smith]

It's weird. I came here with like five grand.

[D Madness]

What are you, a wizard? What do you mean it's weird?

[Phil Smith]

I came here from Hogwarts and came

[Harlan Williams]

here with five grand and smoked it.

[Phil Smith]

Went. Blew through it immediately. My plan was to do like instacart. Car broke down very shortly after.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow.

[Phil Smith]

And I got hired at the Vulcan, former venue of Kill Tony. And don't get scheduled there too much.

[Harlan Williams]

Right.

[Phil Smith]

So I did the natural thing anybody would do. I just started playing poker full time.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, wow.

[Phil Smith]

And I was able to pay my rent up until now. Just playing poker.

[Harlan Williams]

Where do you play? Online or real life?

[Phil Smith]

Well, one of the reasons I was excited to move here is because I've always played poker. And Austin, Texas also happens to have the best card room in the country.

[Harlan Williams]

It is true. Yes, without a doubt. And the best heads up poker player in the world. Doug Poke.

[Phil Smith]

Doug Polk.

[Harlan Williams]

You know this guy?

[Phil Smith]

I met him here.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, I didn't know him at all. And then one night after the taping of this show, people kept coming up to me going, do you know who the fuck's here? Doug Poke's here. Doug Poke is here. And I'm like, who the fuck is a Doug Poke? What's a Doug Poke? But all fucking night, I swear to God, 15, 20 people, I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ. So by the time like 1130 comes around, finally, here's this guy, Doug Poke. I'm Doug Pog By. Nice to meet you. I'm the best heads up poker player in the world. That's what everybody kept saying. And I was already drunk at that point. And I go, I'm good at poker. I'll play you a heads up. And he goes. And we go, okay, so we bet the bet was if he wins because he wanted to do a minute on this show. If he wins, he Gets to do a minute on the show. If I win, he gives me $20,000.

[D Madness]

Get out.

[Harlan Williams]

So there we are at Mitzi's after an episode, and we play heads up poker. Me and the best in the world. 20 minutes later, guess who won 20,000 fucking dollars? Me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[D Madness]

Come on, for real.

[Harlan Williams]

And at that point, since it had only been 20 minutes, but I was kind of warmed up, I go, I'll tell you what, even though I won, let's go double or nothing. Let's go. $40,000 you got versus real bad, a minute of stand up comedy. And So I won $20,000. We doubled the bet to 40.

[D Madness]

Whoa, dude.

[Harlan Williams]

And he's gonna be any, any day

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

now, he's gonna be popping in on the show. So, yeah, he won. He won that second game.

[Harlan Williams]

So be on the lookout for the best. Heads up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was, it was so much fun. No, it's not. Stupid. You silly. Well, silly, yep, silly's fun. Was he hot at least? Oh, red band. God. You need to really, like, give up

[Harlan Williams]

on the carbs or drinking or something.

[Phil Smith]

He has a bet right now. A lot of times he has a bet right now for like a quarter million dollars that he has to get down to like 2% body fat.

[Harlan Williams]

I don't, I don't know anything about that. But I'll tell you, this is. We had a hell of a good old time playing poker, and I can't believe that you're able to make a living doing it.

[Phil Smith]

Well, I was. I. I've paid my rent up until now, and in the past few weeks had like a $4,000 downswing. So all in all, in Austin, I am currently up $1200.

[Harlan Williams]

But how are you going to pay rent the end of this month?

[Phil Smith]

I mean, I got to hope I can make this $1,200 work. I'm going to rent a thousand.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay.

[Phil Smith]

But I'm going to have to play more poker. I mean, I can't just.

[Harlan Williams]

Right.

[Phil Smith]

I can't just pay the thousand dollars, have 200. I have to buy in for 1200, turn it into like 3600, and then I go, oh, I'm chilling. And then maybe lose that in between.

[Harlan Williams]

Right?

[Phil Smith]

It's a, it's a whole thing.

[Harlan Williams]

So when you're playing poker, you're really. Your heart's beating out of your chest because it's life or death.

[Phil Smith]

I purposely talk about the fact, like, I need this. Like, and then people are like, then he's not bluffing, right? Like, he, he. This is his rent Money.

[D Madness]

You don't have like a. Do you have a backup skill? Like, do you know how to do anything else? Like, yeah, like, do you know how to bag groceries?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

I'll give you out a drive through window. I mean, what do you. You got anything else, my guy, I

[Phil Smith]

delivered pizzas for 10 years. I'm pretty good at that, so.

[D Madness]

Okay, that was.

[Harlan Williams]

I'll tell you what I mean. I'll give you $2,000 if you kill a guy holding a single silver crotch outside in Austin, Texas.

[Phil Smith]

Done. Should be easy to spot.

[Harlan Williams]

It should be.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's not using it. He's just holding it. He's carrying it around. And he's probably being followed by police officers down the street, so it should

[Harlan Williams]

be easy to find.

[Phil Smith]

I hope I get to him before they do.

[Harlan Williams]

That's right.

[Phil Smith]

Need that two grand, Phil.

[Harlan Williams]

Anything else crazy we should know about you before?

[D Madness]

You really have a girlfriend? Your opening joke was about your girlfriend's dead dad or something? Yeah, I do have a girl.

[Phil Smith]

I really have a girl.

[D Madness]

What's going on with her, bros?

[Phil Smith]

Yeah, I can get into this.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, let's do it.

[Phil Smith]

She's a new girlfriend. I met her at Creek in the Cave. We were there for a Banana Phone.

[D Madness]

Creek in the Cave.

[Phil Smith]

I do want to let you guys know there's a free show every Sunday called Banana Phone.

[D Madness]

If you're in town for Kil, you should go on your shows on your girlfriend's back. Thank you.

[Phil Smith]

I was there for that. And I met her and. And I thought she was really hot. She is really hot. She's way out of my league. And I. We just started small talking. It was going great. I bought her a drink and it got to the point where we sat, watched the show. I walked her to her car and she goes, just so you know, I'm married.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Harlan Williams]

And then what?

[Phil Smith]

And then I was like, all right, well, I'm totally. I'm totally mature enough to be in a platonic relationship with a woman who's married.

[Harlan Williams]

You're in a platonic relationship?

[Phil Smith]

No, no, no. That's what I thought at the time.

[Harlan Williams]

Platonic?

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Ian Simon]

Is that.

[Phil Smith]

That's the right word?

[D Madness]

No, that's when an earthquake happens.

[Phil Smith]

What's the word for platonic?

[Harlan Williams]

Platonic.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Phil Smith]

Yeah. So like, I thought we could like catch an earthquake together or something. I'll speed it up a little bit.

[Harlan Williams]

You're doing good. Keep going.

[Phil Smith]

She was going to, like, Mike's by herself and stuff. Her husband didn't support, like, her doing comedy wasn't a fan. Of you either. He didn't let her watch Kill Tony.

[Harlan Williams]

He didn't let her watch kill Tony.

[Phil Smith]

That's just what I heard. I don't need to give this guy more of a reason to murder me. So we're not going to talk too much about him?

[Harlan Williams]

No, keep going. This is great.

[Phil Smith]

So I'm going to Mike's with her as a friend. As a platonic friend. And I'm really, like, in my head, like, damn, I've matured so much. She's so hot, and I can just be her friend. And we're going to all the mics. We're going to all the mics. And eventually she just ghosts me, and I'm like, oh, did I, like, weird her out or something? And so I texted her. Didn't get a text back. And then a few days goes by, and I'm like, I'll send her one more. And she says. I was like, hey, did you, like, quit comedy or something? And she says, no, I'm going through some personal stuff. Turns out the personal stuff was she told her husband that she has feelings for me, and then they started the divorce process.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow. Incredible.

[D Madness]

There he is. There he is right there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have a. I have a few more questions now that we got a

[Harlan Williams]

good, good, real story out of you.

[Seth Burton]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

One is, when did you start hooking up with her? Was it before she started having feelings for you?

[Phil Smith]

No.

[Harlan Williams]

Thing.

[Phil Smith]

Again, real mature of me. I waited because we're in Texas, so you really can't.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, mature of you did. Was there a chance, you think, for you to make a real move there?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did she?

[Phil Smith]

Not really. So, like, everybody's, like, telling me the same thing, like, well, if she left her husband to be with, what do you think she's going to do? But as soon as she realized she had feelings for me, she stopped talking to me, worked it out with him, and then filed for divorce. And then we didn't hook up until it was finalized.

[Jovan Afzali]

Wow.

[Harlan Williams]

You didn't hook up till it was finalized?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, the paperwork.

[Phil Smith]

Till it was. If you. In Texas. If I was to, like, she could go to jail.

[Harlan Williams]

Really?

[Phil Smith]

Before it's final? Yeah. It's adultery. Even if you have filed for divorce.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm not getting married. You don't have to worry about that, Red.

[Harlan Williams]

So.

[D Madness]

Wow, dude, you're like a walking soap opera guy.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. It's incredible.

[D Madness]

Gambling, wild women in the parking lot. What else is going on there? Relish, Master.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You play poker?

[Harlan Williams]

You play tonic?

[Uncle Laser]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

This is incredible. It's a wild story.

[Phil Smith]

Everything Else is pretty chill, honestly. I mean, I think I told you the. The bulk of my stress and craziness.

[Harlan Williams]

So this guy didn't let her watch Kill Tony. Do you know why he didn't let her watch Kill Tony? That's such a random fucking weird thing.

[Phil Smith]

Again, he's gonna see this, and he's probably gonna hunt me down and kill me. But I do know it was, like, around one of your first cancellations. This is secondhand information, so I'm sure if you're watching this hearsay. But he was like, after Tony said that Asian stuff, you're gonna still watch that show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

He's a. He's a

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

incredible.

[Phil Smith]

I actually think he's really cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Phil Smith. A great performance, a great interview. Here's the big joke book, my friend. Congratulations. Phil Smith, everybody.

[D Madness]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How fun, huh?

[D Madness]

And what's great is that's his last performance ever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's gonna be Kill Phil.

[D Madness]

Yeah. Does that hurt your feelings that someone, like, wouldn't watch you because of you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, if those are the people that aren't watching because of some. Because the news told them that I'm a racist, those are the people I don't want watching.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

So it works out perfectly.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I ended up with the exact fan base that I wanted to. People that focus on what they. What's in front of them, not what they're being told by others, or else I'd be a Nazi.

[Harlan Williams]

That's what they. That's what they called me. They said I performed at a Nazi

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

rally, and then I'm against Latinos, even

[Harlan Williams]

though these are the four most expensive fucking dates you can imagine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Every goddamn Monday. Had a zoom call with Carlos Sosa today. He's telling me how much he was getting paid on the Kelly Clarkson show. This guy, look at him.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, Kelly Clarkson.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Goddamn ABC network. I'm competing against like. Well, Kelly Clarkson was giving me. No, I'm kidding. Look at him. Look at him over there.

[Harlan Williams]

Look at him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's about to play the flute. Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for one of our absolutely great esteemed regulars. I present to you a young man who is absolutely living everyone's dreams.

[Harlan Williams]

You name it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

New Netflix deal, New this, new that.

[Harlan Williams]

We'll probably find out all about it real soon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is a brand new minute from one of the top young rising comedians in the world. This is Cam Patterson.

[Red Band]

Hey, what's up, man? I'm proud of myself, dog. I got a girlfriend now. We've been dating for eight months, and for the first time, two Days ago. I made that bitch come. I'm proud of myself. Yeah? Yeah. N. Yeah. Eight months, no cums, nigga, nothing. We were fucking. I go, baby, did you come? And she would go, no. And I would go, damn. Good night every time. Too bad, bitch. Good night. Every single time. But this night was different. It was different. Well, kind of the same. We took mushrooms, I fucked her. She didn't come. I said, did you come? She went, no. I said, damn. Went to sleep, right? Only thing that was different was earlier that day, my girlfriend has a roommate. And her roommate brought this dude over. Like a lame ass white dude. He was a real poindexter. He was a bitch. Like a real fuck nigga, you know what I'm saying? And I met him and he was like, how you doing?

[Uncle Laser]

Good to me.

[Red Band]

So what's up, pussy? Right? He was a bitch. Like, we talked to bitches. What's up, pussy? How you doing, brother? Now I went back in the room, right? And then the night came, and when I was trying to go to sleep off the mushrooms after fucking my lady peacefully, I just heard from the other room, this lame ass nigga fucking the shit out of her roommate. It was just like the whole time, he's in there hurting her. Oh, my God, what's going on? And then right when I started to think about it, the mushrooms kicked in. And my brain just went, you gonna let that white boy out? Fuck you, nigga. And I felt my ancestors grab my back. It was Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King and Thurgood Marshall. And I put my shoes on for tracks and I made that bitch come. Nigga, I'm gonna cap out that guy somewhere.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck yeah.

[D Madness]

Can I ask you a question? Right out of the gate, those noises you heard through the wall, can you do those one more time? Yeah, they weren't there. Playing women's tennis.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cam Patterson.

[Red Band]

What is up?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Done it again. It was her first come.

[Red Band]

First come. First come.

[Alex Tarshon]

Wow.

[Harlan Williams]

What did you have to do to do that? What did you do different? Differently.

[Red Band]

With the mushrooms?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, but like, it was. Do you remember? Like, was there some type of thrusting motion? Was there?

[D Madness]

He said it was the most.

[Red Band]

Oh, no, no, wait a minute. I put.

[Harlan Williams]

I put.

[Red Band]

I had put shoes on for traction.

[Harlan Williams]

I. You put shoes on?

[Red Band]

Yeah. Butt, ass, naked. Phone posits on.

[Harlan Williams]

So you were wearing exclusively only shoes.

[Red Band]

Only shoes. Socks and shoes, but only shoes.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow.

[Red Band]

Butt, ass, naked, only shoes on. And I was going as hard as I could. I won't forget. I. And he was going hard over there. Yeah, he was Going crazy over there.

[D Madness]

You can make it go even further if you wear golf shoes, buddy.

[Red Band]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that's going to do.

[D Madness]

They got the spikes in them.

[Ian Simon]

My guy.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

You can really get in from standing on the wall. Yeah.

[Red Band]

I never knew this. This is good to know white people.

[Harlan Williams]

Hell yeah.

[Red Band]

Golf shoes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just make sure it's not a water bed you're on.

[Red Band]

Okay.

[Harlan Williams]

Or else we know you can't swim.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cuz that would be a mess.

[Harlan Williams]

That is quite the mess. So she told you that she had never come before?

[Red Band]

I was asking. She always say no.

[Harlan Williams]

You always ask.

[Red Band]

I always ask did you come? And she'd be like no. I'll be like damn. Too bad. I don't really care. But I would like to know you

[Seth Burton]

feel what I'm saying.

[Red Band]

Don't bother me. I already won. I'm happy. I'm having a good time. Give a about what she got going on over there.

[Harlan Williams]

You were ready to go to. You were ready to go to sleep.

[Red Band]

Night. Night time, brother. You know what I'm saying?

[Harlan Williams]

Twinkle, twinkle little star.

[Red Band]

Ah, there it goes.

[Harlan Williams]

Hell yeah.

[D Madness]

I don't want to be too nosy but have you ever come every time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

100.

[D Madness]

I got to ask. What's that sound like?

[Red Band]

It's a. It's a lot of that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. It's just a lot of cross eyed energies. Oh, there's a little noise there.

[Red Band]

Yeah, my head down. It's like that. What the are you doing?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Somebody called the police. They heard that. Someone called them. Someone called the police.

[Red Band]

Hey, who are these man? I go for two weeks with these lame ass going on.

[Harlan Williams]

They're not lame, they're cool.

[Red Band]

Ah, I mean that guy, that guy's cool. That guy lame as man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you talking about?

[Red Band]

This guy cool as lame as hell, man. Hey, cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But who the is that guy?

[D Madness]

You'd be nice to Russell Brown. Relax.

[Red Band]

Who the is that man?

[D Madness]

What does he sound like when he comes?

[Red Band]

He probably sound like a smooth jazz player. He probably sound cool as.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, the piano player.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, no doubt about it. Yeah. It's like yeah.

[Red Band]

Yeah, there you go baby.

[Harlan Williams]

Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You came. I came.

[Jovan Afzali]

Good night.

[Red Band]

We all came. He probably say when he come too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, he cool enough though.

[D Madness]

You.

[Red Band]

I came go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. Absolutely. Do you come fast like normally? Like how, how long do you.

[Red Band]

Wait a minute. What the we got going on man?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So sick. Every once in a while he takes the word co host to heart. Black people come faster.

[Red Band]

Who said that? Who told you that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nobody. Nobody just says stuff randomly.

[Red Band]

The was that we Was all having a good.

[Alex Tarshon]

You come quick.

[Red Band]

How fast do you come. Cam, I got questions about this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Harlan Williams]

It is an interesting question.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red band.

[Harlan Williams]

Very interesting. So, Cam, what else is going on in life?

[Red Band]

A lot, man. I've been running around doing. I'm. I'm acting now. I'll be acting this now.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Red Band]

Hell yeah. All think I can tell them what the big one is?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is okay.

[Harlan Williams]

We're not gonna tell them about the big one yet.

[Red Band]

But, yeah, I'm in some. It's weird. It's weird being like, around real actors. I don't act. I'm on me. You feel me? When I went to my audition, I remember it was a in there, and I asked him, I said, hey, man, how. How. How you got started acting? He was like, you know, I was in the Lion King when I was eight. I was simple. I was like, damn. At school. He was like, nah, bro. I was like, I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be in this room at all, dog. This is diabolical. But, you know, it's cool though. I with it. You feel what I'm saying?

[D Madness]

Can I ask. You don't have to tell me what is. But is it dramatic acting or comedy?

[Red Band]

Oh, no, I'm playing a retard. But,

[D Madness]

well, you don't really have to act to do that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait a minute.

[Red Band]

What the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You just said got you guys.

[D Madness]

If you weren't a retard, you would have got it quicker.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I had to think about it.

[Red Band]

But you.

[D Madness]

Think about that next time you come.

[Red Band]

I pray to God I don't.

[D Madness]

I'll be there to hold you, son.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[D Madness]

I'm just acting. I'm just acting. Doing a great job, dude. Congratulations. You like acting?

[Red Band]

It's cool. I with it.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Hell yeah.

[D Madness]

Did you think you would do you know, when you started your journey, you. You. You'd go into acting? Or is that something that came way out of nowhere for you?

[Red Band]

Came out left field. But I with it, though. I think it's cool, man.

[D Madness]

I'm going to give you some advice because you. You, like you said you didn't see it coming. Yeah, just jump in and take it, man. Don't be afraid. Just like, go for it just like you do out here. Just. Just go for it, man. You're gonna be good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[D Madness]

For you.

[Phil Smith]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you ever need to be inspired

[Harlan Williams]

by another great actor, just. Just think about the acting of your girlfriend when she told you that you made her come that one time.

[Red Band]

No, she did. I believe her. I believe her.

[Uncle Laser]

That time.

[Red Band]

I got her that time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's not a pair of Jordans in the world that are gonna get you there, buddy. Cam Patterson has done it again. Everyone, that is yet another new minute from Cam Patterson. And back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next bucket pool. We're gonna meet her all together. It is Liv Taylor. Liv Taylor.

[Liv Taylor]

What's up, Austin? I am Liv. I did just move to Austin. On the contrary, I do not have two sisters named Laugh In Love. Okay, that was stupid. Sorry. Yeah, I did just move to Austin. My husband died last year, which is pretty unfortunate, but men don't like to be told that women are better drivers. So as a woman, I've just proved my point. Okay? I did always tell him I was a better driver. Unfortunately, it took for him to just take me a little too seriously. I've pretty much lost everything that's in my head right now because there's a giant light shining in my face. Anyways. I also have anxiety, so anytime that I masturbate, I immediately think of my dead mom. Like, I know I'm shaming God, but, like, grandma, sorry. My husband, though, he was a freak. I like to say that he's now watching from his favorite point of view, which is from my asshole. Great. Love that.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay, Liv Taylor, I'm excited about this interview.

[Liv Taylor]

Hi.

[Harlan Williams]

The set was. You know what it was.

[Liv Taylor]

Yeah, I know.

[Harlan Williams]

You don't have to. But this interview I'm real excited about because I love when people die near people that are on this show. It gives us something to talk about

[D Madness]

a lot of that tonight, like, about five of our actions. When somebody died.

[Harlan Williams]

Odds of us dying have gone up by the people that we've pulled out of the bucket tonight. Seems like they have a lot of death around them. D Madness is trying to leave right

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

now, and which is very telling because they have a scene.

[Harlan Williams]

Sixth Sense. Those people.

[D Madness]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And by those people, I mean the blacks, not blind people. There he goes.

[D Madness]

Did you notice when she said, I'm sorry, you said you. And by the way, I'm so sorry. But you said your. Your grandmother died or your father. Grandmother.

[Liv Taylor]

Everybody's dying.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mom, Everybody. Husband, grandma.

[D Madness]

Guy in the back. When you said they died, some guy in the back just went, whoa. Like, he cheered.

[Harlan Williams]

He cheered for the husband dying.

[Cassandra Hartford]

What?

[Harlan Williams]

But that's not. Yeah, fuck that guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It doesn't really matter. Harlan. He was trying to be funny, but

[Harlan Williams]

he didn't have the courage to sign up for the show because he doesn't have a Full minute.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. He thought that he had a moment

[D Madness]

there, but he's off guard.

[Harlan Williams]

Stupid pussy.

[D Madness]

Okay. I was looking for an answer. I got one.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. So, Liv, amazing that your name is Liv, even though everyone around you dies.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's talk about it.

[Liv Taylor]

It is.

[Harlan Williams]

How did your husband die?

[Liv Taylor]

He flipped his truck.

[Harlan Williams]

He what?

[Liv Taylor]

He flipped his truck.

[Harlan Williams]

He flipped his truck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Harlan Williams]

It's amazing the difference between flipping a house and flipping a truck. Right. One makes you money, the other ends your life.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

So he flipped.

[D Madness]

Hit a deer, did he?

[Liv Taylor]

No, just his head real hard.

[Harlan Williams]

How did he. How did he flip his truck? What happened there?

[Liv Taylor]

He was just trying to go off a ramp and was dumb. Didn't do it right.

[Harlan Williams]

Going off a ramp?

[Liv Taylor]

Yeah, like. Just like a. Like an exit.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay.

[Liv Taylor]

In exit, it was like two in the morning. You know, all factors combined.

[Harlan Williams]

Was he drunk?

[Liv Taylor]

A little bit.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay. A little bit.

[Liv Taylor]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

By a little bit. Over the legal limit?

[Liv Taylor]

Probably.

[Harlan Williams]

Probably.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You never asked.

[Liv Taylor]

I mean, we. We parted ways that same night, so I would say.

[Harlan Williams]

You broke up with him that night? Oh, he.

[Liv Taylor]

He literally parted ways.

[D Madness]

Oh.

[Liv Taylor]

We were. Sorry. We were together that night. Literally went apart, and then he.

[Harlan Williams]

What were you guys doing together?

[Liv Taylor]

We were at a strip club.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay, so you and him were at a strip club, you and your husband?

[Liv Taylor]

Yes.

[Harlan Williams]

Did he leave first or.

[Liv Taylor]

No, we left together.

[Harlan Williams]

You left together?

[Liv Taylor]

He was parked one way, I was parked the other. We were driving separate cars.

[Harlan Williams]

Driving separate cars. Were you behind him?

[Liv Taylor]

No.

[Harlan Williams]

You were in front of him?

[Liv Taylor]

No.

[Harlan Williams]

You guys went to.

[Liv Taylor]

We got into an argument that night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow.

[Harlan Williams]

This is.

[Liv Taylor]

There's.

[D Madness]

Very saucy.

[Harlan Williams]

Very interesting. Amazing. For a guy that's been pounding on the sound effect board all night. We got nothing for flipping trucks. Sometimes he gets a little daydreamy when we need him the most. So you guys are arguing. What was the argument about at the strip club? Was he, like, looking at a girl too much?

[Liv Taylor]

I want to spend the money at the strip club, but I'm a good wife.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And so you were trying to save money?

[Liv Taylor]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Liv Taylor]

In this economy? Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay, so let's just stick with the questions here, Liv. So you're trying to save money. You guys get into an argument because he wants to stay at the strip club.

[Liv Taylor]

He wanted to go, and I didn't want to go. And I was like, fuck it. Let's just go. So you.

[Harlan Williams]

How did you not want to leave the strip club but also not want to spend money?

[Liv Taylor]

Okay. When we were down, we were downtown. I'm from Georgia. We were downtown. And he wanted to go to the strip club. I didn't want to go. We were moseying around until he. I just finally gave in. I was like, fine, let's go. It's not even a strip club.

[Cassandra Hartford]

It's a titty bar.

[Liv Taylor]

It's a sad excuse.

[Harlan Williams]

That part doesn't matter to the story. So when you guys. But then when you guys. When you get to the titty bar,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

all of a sudden you kind of

[Harlan Williams]

want to stay there.

[Liv Taylor]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

And he wanted to leave.

[Liv Taylor]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Interesting. So what was the last thing that you guys said to one another before he went and died?

[Liv Taylor]

I'm gonna go to my truck. And I said, I'm gonna go party with these friends you just made.

[Harlan Williams]

You went to go party with his friends?

[Liv Taylor]

I thought he was gonna follow with, but, you know, I was wrong. It's cool.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow. Yeah. Unbelievable. Do you live with a bit of guilt from that, you think?

[Liv Taylor]

No, I did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You did?

[Liv Taylor]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

But you're over it now. How long ago did this happen?

[Liv Taylor]

It'll be a year on the second.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. You got over it real quick.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very cool.

[Harlan Williams]

I like it. You have a boyfriend now?

[Liv Taylor]

Nope.

[Harlan Williams]

You're completely single?

[Liv Taylor]

I'm just trying to do comedy. I moved out here just for this.

[Harlan Williams]

You moved here from Georgia just for this? How long did you move here?

[Liv Taylor]

I just moved two weeks ago.

[Harlan Williams]

Two weeks ago. Awesome.

[Cassandra Hartford]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

There you go.

[D Madness]

I think you're missing the biggest question.

[Harlan Williams]

Go right ahead. I love it.

[D Madness]

If you don't mind.

[Harlan Williams]

No, I want to hear happens.

[D Madness]

I think everyone's wondering.

[Harlan Williams]

Let's do it.

[D Madness]

Why did you leave your hat in Cam's bedroom?

[Harlan Williams]

It's covered.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It looks like it's covered in cum.100.

[Liv Taylor]

I like to have fun. You know, whatever.

[D Madness]

You like to have fun. Okay.

[Harlan Williams]

I love it.

[D Madness]

I was just asking back to you, guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Harlan Williams]

What do you do for work, Liv?

[Liv Taylor]

I'm a vet tech.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're a vet tech.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay. And are you doing that here in Austin?

[Liv Taylor]

I have not found a job, but I will have to eventually, so, yeah, I'll probably end up.

[Harlan Williams]

How much money did you save?

[Liv Taylor]

Well, my money is dead mom money,

[Harlan Williams]

so dead mom money. 22,000.

[Liv Taylor]

Not even close. My mom did not expect to die. Probably like, just under 10 grand.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, okay. So you have a little time. How much is your rent?

[Liv Taylor]

Good.

[Harlan Williams]

A ballpark.

[Liv Taylor]

Like 1800.

[Harlan Williams]

1800. Do you live by yourself?

[Liv Taylor]

I do.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay, so you have about six or seven months to get a job, Stretch.

[Liv Taylor]

I'm frugal.

[D Madness]

I know a gambler. She'd do real well with.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. What do you do for fun, Liv? What are some hobbies?

[Liv Taylor]

I have dogs at home. I have two beagles, so I hang out with them. I'm really very homebodied. Since I moved out here, I've just. Just really been trying to explore and be by the pool and chill and relax and just try to honestly find a new life, so.

[Harlan Williams]

Right.

[Liv Taylor]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

And you're having fun doing standup comedy at night? You enjoy it?

[Liv Taylor]

I. The only reason I do it is because my mom died.

[Harlan Williams]

When did your mom die? Exactly.

[Liv Taylor]

So, funny story.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Finally.

[Liv Taylor]

Oh, you'll love this. My mom died the day after I saw you, your standup and met you with my husband on August 26th of last.

[D Madness]

It's all coming back to you.

[Liv Taylor]

2023. It's. I'm not even joking. Like, I got a phone call the next morning that my mom died.

[Red Band]

Wow.

[Liv Taylor]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay, so you saw me in that big theater in Atlanta, Georgia.

[Liv Taylor]

Cobb Energy Center.

[Harlan Williams]

And yes, the Cobb Energy Center. It is all coming back to me now. And how did your mom die? She flipped her truck.

[Liv Taylor]

She got hit by a car.

[Harlan Williams]

Really?

[D Madness]

What?

[Phil Smith]

Wow.

[Liv Taylor]

I mean, I always wanted a jeep, and that just ruined it, so.

[Harlan Williams]

So was she walking or in a car?

[Liv Taylor]

Oh, no, she. She was a pedestrian.

[Harlan Williams]

She was a pedestrian.

[D Madness]

It wasn't a hit and run, was it?

[Liv Taylor]

No, the. The guy stopped and. Yeah, he did it the right way, but, you know, He.

[D Madness]

What?

[Liv Taylor]

He did it the right way.

[D Madness]

I mean, he did it the right

[Harlan Williams]

way all the way through.

[Liv Taylor]

I mean.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Liv Taylor]

You didn't have to suffer.

[Harlan Williams]

And you were very close with your mom.

[Cassandra Hartford]

Yeah, close.

[Liv Taylor]

Ish. My mom was kind of crazy, but

[D Madness]

until she got hit.

[Harlan Williams]

Right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Liv Taylor]

Yeah, I'd say.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay. And have you always been a natural neon pink?

[D Madness]

I was just wondering.

[Liv Taylor]

I'd like to say natural red.

[D Madness]

Diabetic kids attack your candy floss at the carnival. I just like, like nine kids. Start chewing your hair.

[Liv Taylor]

It's pretty tasty. It actually smells really good.

[D Madness]

It does. What's it smell like?

[Liv Taylor]

Hydropearl oil.

[D Madness]

Can I smell it?

[Liv Taylor]

Sure, if you'd like.

[D Madness]

Love to have a store.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, wow. It's chloroform.

[D Madness]

Oh, wow. Smells like Cam's bedroom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it does. Yeah, it does.

[Harlan Williams]

All right, Liv. Well, congratulations. Now you know what it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It feels like.

[Harlan Williams]

At least there are extremely bright lights and everything out there is dark. And now you know for next time. So sign up again and write it right a. Write a actual minute. Remember it? Oh, good catch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I threw that one a little High and hard. And she got it. Wow.

[D Madness]

All right, tough stuff there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like it. I like it.

[D Madness]

You like the death stuff?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like a good, heavy interview. That's what this show's all about. Sometimes it's hehe ha ha. Sometimes it's Boo Boo Baba.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what I always say.

[D Madness]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. This is a special moment right now. Last week we pulled out of the bucket a man who signed up for, I think, every Monday for over a year.

[Harlan Williams]

And he had a good minute, but

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

his interview skills were unbelievable. I swear to God. I think I'm bringing up for the

[Harlan Williams]

second time ever, who might be one of the greatest interviewees in the history of the show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm excited to see his second ever minute on the show. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the short awaited return of Alex Tarshon, everybody. Here we go.

[Alex Tarshon]

Thank you. Thank you. I've been going to the gym a lot lately. I've been trying to make my workouts pertain to things I would do in real life. So every time I do a squat, I make sure to also lift my ball sack and cough. I didn't always used to be this big. I used to be really small. That was when my dad was getting the best of me. He said these beatings were preparing me for life, you know, for all the other 40 year olds who are going to hit me with a belt and a shoe. You know, the thing is though, he actually didn't own a belt, so we'd have to go to the clothing store and he'd hit me with one there. You know, it might sound bad, but I guarantee you, every time he hit me with a belt, he always did it in goodwill. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

[Red Band]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. The return of Alex Tarshon. Unbelievable. I've been looking forward to this for a whole week.

[Alex Tarshon]

Thank you. Me too.

[Harlan Williams]

These people have no idea the relationship that we built last week.

[Alex Tarshon]

Full disclosure, I'm black, he's black.

[Harlan Williams]

Just in case. And just in case he says the N word at some point, he's black. Full disclosure, I'm also black.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So look out, here we go.

[D Madness]

Full disclosure, I'm white.

[Harlan Williams]

So, Alex, I love this suit. Last week it was. Your clothing was extremely questionable. This week you come in guns ablaze and you just get this.

[Uncle Laser]

Yeah.

[Alex Tarshon]

Amazon came through.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow. Wow. Amazon Prime.

[Alex Tarshon]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow, look at that. How much was that?

[Alex Tarshon]

75. For the suit?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

You know, that's the new death in an elevator line.

[Harlan Williams]

What does that mean?

[D Madness]

It's a Prince joke.

[Alex Tarshon]

Oh, okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Harlan Williams]

Speaking of oh, damn.

[D Madness]

How are you, buddy? I'd love to throw a hamburger patty on your glasses.

[Harlan Williams]

Alex Tarshon.

[D Madness]

Thank God he walked out that horrible Prince joke I did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that was crazy.

[Harlan Williams]

That'd be a 39 year old reference I do believe. But it was good. It was good. It was good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Death by an elevator.

[Harlan Williams]

I learned something new every time I have Harland on the show.

[D Madness]

You know Prince died in an elevator, right? Yes. I don't. He had an elevator in his mansion. They found him dead in his elevator.

[Harlan Williams]

Really?

[D Madness]

Yeah. No, that was Whitney Houston, dude. He's thinking of the guy inside his elevator. Just ask him. He knows it's okay. Right.

[Alex Tarshon]

You know, I know that Harry Truman was killed by a volcano.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Where did you learn that at?

[Alex Tarshon]

I. I was just scrolling Instagram just popped up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep, that's where you get all the great history teachings.

[Harlan Williams]

There's no doubt about it. Not many people know that at all. In fact, nobody knows that because it

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

definitely did not happen.

[Harlan Williams]

But Harry Truman was killed by a volcano. This is history with Alex Taron. I'm very excited. So you got a brand new $75 suit off of Amazon and you're still rocking the, the do rag.

[Alex Tarshon]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

That's always going to be part of you, isn't it?

[Alex Tarshon]

Yeah. One durag, no socks. That's the game.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Durag don't socks.

[Harlan Williams]

That's what they say. And Alex, you work at a pizza place?

[Alex Tarshon]

Yeah, I do delivery, driving and I also because I actually played a trumpet while I drive because you only need one hand for it.

[Harlan Williams]

You play a trumpet while you drive?

[Alex Tarshon]

Yeah, I played a trumpet while I drive and I use a little flap like the sun visor, put like the music on it so I can like kind of read it.

[Harlan Williams]

You have a. You have a trumpet? Do you have a trumpet with you?

[Alex Tarshon]

Of course.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

With you right now?

[Alex Tarshon]

Yeah, I brought it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You brought it?

[Cassandra Hartford]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Get this trumpet.

[D Madness]

Here we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got to be kidding me. This guy, by the way, set a record last week for the longest interview

[Harlan Williams]

ever in the history of the show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cuz we found him so goddamn interesting. At no point during the 24 minute long interview did he even mention playing the trumpet. That's how fucking interesting this guy is.

[D Madness]

Trumpet from a garbage bag, does it?

[Alex Tarshon]

I was hoping to trumpet off your trumpet player.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, I guarantee you he's gonna win. He's a professional. But let's sure, let's do it. Let's have a. The first ever Mexican. Mexican trumpet off

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

trumpet.

[Harlan Williams]

And here we go. Your first ever trumpeteer on this show's history. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Alex Tarshon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perfect. Wow. Absolutely incredible.

[Harlan Williams]

All right, now, the professional trumpet player is gonna play.

[D Madness]

Oh,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, he got that one note that you missed.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Oh,

[Harlan Williams]

there you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red bands jumping in with his trumpet sound effect. This is just a free for all at this point. Harlan's about to play a second crutch. Wow, look at that. Harlan coming through with a victory.

[Alex Tarshon]

Somebody just handed me that trumpet. I was just driving around playing, and this guy was like, I've been looking for someone to give my trumpet to. And he's like, well, I guess you're the only guy. So I was like, all right. Like, that trumpet's actually really expensive, too.

[Harlan Williams]

How do you know that?

[Alex Tarshon]

Well, I looked it up. Like, I eventually looked it up. And it's like he said he was, like, giving away all his possessions and then moving to Thailand, which we know what that means.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, it means that he's about to go.

[Alex Tarshon]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Do what?

[Alex Tarshon]

Well, well, there's a thing that we don't like to talk about that we all do sometimes. Wait, wait, wait.

[Harlan Williams]

Go ahead. It's okay. Don't let anybody here throw you off with their scoffs and questions. What do they. What do we all do sometimes, Alex?

[Alex Tarshon]

Well, sometimes you go on skip lag and you just want to see how much it would cost. Just if you want to, you know, travel around the world and have your dreams come true.

[Harlan Williams]

What kind of dreams would you like to come true? What do you want to do in Thailand, Alex?

[D Madness]

How about we start with some speech therapy classes? How about that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think we know what that means, right? Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

When it comes to Thailand.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you know what's over there? No, you don't.

[Harlan Williams]

You have no idea what they do in Thailand.

[D Madness]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Lady ba ba ba.

[D Madness]

Oh, lady boys. Yeah, you want to be with a lady boy?

[Alex Tarshon]

You want to get that lady boy gold?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, what's a ladyboy gold?

[Alex Tarshon]

It's. It's just below platinum.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. An interview. Genius. Eventually this show might just end up being Alex Tarshon being out here for an hour and a half every week. You guys will see when you. Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

So, Alex, very interesting stuff. What else is going on in life?

[Alex Tarshon]

Well, I caught my. Kind of texted my ex girlfriend. I was like, I gotta kill Tony's. I thought it'd be kind of weird if you just saw me randomly.

[Harlan Williams]

You texted your ex girlfriend?

[Alex Tarshon]

Yeah, I just said, like, just give me a call, which I guess it's like an emergency or something, huh?

[Harlan Williams]

And remind everybody why that's a big deal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your ex.

[Harlan Williams]

Girlfriend?

[D Madness]

Friend.

[Alex Tarshon]

Oh, well, you know, I used to have a heart. You know, I used to. I used to be in love.

[Harlan Williams]

And then what happened?

[Alex Tarshon]

And then. And then I got fired from my job.

[Harlan Williams]

And then what happened?

[Alex Tarshon]

Oh, and then? And then it was just a series of. Just like. Like, since. Since last time I saw her. I had two guns get pulled on me at different occasions. Went to jail a couple times. Just for a weekend. Just for a weekend.

[Harlan Williams]

You got a gun pulled on you and you went to jail?

[Alex Tarshon]

I got a gun pulled on me in Portland. And then immediately, the first thing I did was tell this guy a Prophet Muhammad joke while he was pointing at me. And I was like, all right.

[Harlan Williams]

He was pointing a gun at you?

[Alex Tarshon]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Do the joke that you did while a guy was pointing a gun at you.

[Alex Tarshon]

Okay, well, what I said was, did you.

[Harlan Williams]

First of all, did you say, like, hey, don't shoot me. I'll let me do a joke?

[Alex Tarshon]

Pretty much.

[Harlan Williams]

What did you say exactly?

[Alex Tarshon]

What I said was, hey, you want to hear a joke?

[Harlan Williams]

He pulled a gun on you, and that's the first thing that you said?

[Alex Tarshon]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. And then what did he say?

[Alex Tarshon]

He said, all right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And he's holding it like this or sideways.

[Alex Tarshon]

He was sitting in the car, so he was just pointing up at me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Okay.

[Harlan Williams]

So you say, want to hear a joke? He said, yes. And then you go.

[Alex Tarshon]

I said, you know, in the religion of Islam, it's forbidden to draw to Prophet Muhammad. It doesn't say nothing about drawing his twin brother Billy, though, by the way. He's fraternal. He's fraternal.

[D Madness]

You know, I would have shot him immediately.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Did the guy laugh?

[Alex Tarshon]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Harlan Williams]

Absolutely incredible. My God. And then what happened?

[Alex Tarshon]

Oh, and then I saw this lady walking around, and I was like, you never believe this. I had a gun pulled on me. It's like, what'd you do? I said, I told him a joke, a Prophet Muhammad joke. And she goes, why? I'm like, that's comedy, right? And then she was like, no, it's not. And I was like, oh. And she's like, I'm actually. I'm actually in this, like, the circuit. Like, I know what comedy is. And I was like, all right.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, yeah. Someone in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, a lady in Portland.

[Alex Tarshon]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Has it all figured out. That sounds about right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. I know Portland well enough to know

[Harlan Williams]

that those are the types of people that think they have it all figured out. I'm in the circuit. Perfect.

[Alex Tarshon]

I finally got closure, though, huh? Because I told Her I got and killed Tony. And she was like, good for you. But, you know, he's a. He's a bad man, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

And I was like, oh, yeah, those Portland people.

[Alex Tarshon]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

I was like, I'm the bad man. Meanwhile, she lives in a neighborhood where people in cars are rolling up, pulling guns on innocent people.

[Alex Tarshon]

Yeah, well.

[Harlan Williams]

But I'm the bad guy.

[Alex Tarshon]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Because I said something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Some words. I said words.

[Harlan Williams]

So, Alex Tarshon, what else is going on in life?

[Alex Tarshon]

Well, Monday was good for me last Monday. Tuesday was kind of rough.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us what happened on Tuesday.

[Alex Tarshon]

I got a. Got a phone call from my apartment and they were just like. So we heard you had eight dogs. We just wanted to know when you're leaving. And I was like, all right, well, you know. You know, so it's been a long week. I got a couple of new apartments lined up or, you know, new strategy for the new apartment. Just going to lie, right? Tell them I have two dogs and

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you're going to sneak in. Eight dogs?

[Alex Tarshon]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

A fun fact about Alex is he has eight pit bulls. How did they find out? How did. What are the odds that the apartment building found out the night or the next day after you talked about it in front of the world?

[Alex Tarshon]

Well, it's because I got home so late that I was just like. So screeches and squeals for like a couple hours, you know, like, oh, they

[Harlan Williams]

heard the eight pit bulls playing around fighting.

[D Madness]

No, he's room his bedrooms next to cams. Yeah,

[Harlan Williams]

that makes sense. So what are you realistically going to do for an apartment, Alex Tarshon? You're out there delivering pizzas for a living.

[Alex Tarshon]

Well, first off, my, My, My chances of being a public school teacher are plummeting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why?

[D Madness]

You can't plummet if you were never even up. All right.

[Alex Tarshon]

I was working on my teaching certificate, like, thinking, like, I'm gonna get summer off to hang out my dogs. And then I was just like. Like, there's like. There's something about, like, saying on stage it's just not gonna. It's not gonna work for me, you know?

[Harlan Williams]

I think you can say it.

[Alex Tarshon]

I should.

[Harlan Williams]

You should. You should be able to say it.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

Are both your parents black? Because you're like, sort of like a little fair skin.

[Alex Tarshon]

No, I'm like. I'm like. I'm like black and like Moulin.

[D Madness]

All right, then you can't say it.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, those are both. Those both mean black.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

John. John Keys gave him permission, so that's cool.

[D Madness]

Yeah. Okay, go ahead.

[Harlan Williams]

How do you know you're not going to be able to get your teacher certificate?

[Alex Tarshon]

Well, I think, I mean, like, if you just Google me, like, it just comes up that, like, I prank phone call the suicide hotline by accident.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Really?

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Alex Tarshon]

Like, if you Google me already, like, there's like. It's already, like, it was already dicey, like, to think that I'd get the job in the first place.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow.

[D Madness]

How do you prank the suicide hot.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. What exactly?

[D Madness]

Don't jump. Don't jump.

[Alex Tarshon]

Well, like, basically, like, I had, like, shoulder surgery. Making excuses for myself. I was kind of on, like, pills and stuff. Like, had like, a big old slinky and everything. And I was just like, that would be funny. Like, I was watching Crank Anchors. I was like, oh, cranking because I should make prank phone calls. That'd be funny. That'd be good content.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Alex Tarshon]

And what I did was I just called up the suicide hotline and just was just like, you know, I'm gonna do it. We're gonna do it. And then I put, like, the two house phones together to make that, like, robot squeal. And then. And then, like, my brother came in. He's like, oh, hey, Peter, what are you doing? You know, like, oh, no, Peter, what happened? He goes to the phone, like, why did you do this to Peter? And then. And then, like an hour later, I'm like, making eggs. Like, that's pretty funny, dude.

[D Madness]

I'm about to kill myself right now. Let's move this along.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, it doesn't really pop up. How do you spell your last name again? T Huh?

[Alex Tarshon]

A R. Huh? C H O U N. C H

[Harlan Williams]

O U N. Yeah.

[D Madness]

Okay, that sounds sort of French, dude.

[Alex Tarshon]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

Is there some French?

[Alex Tarshon]

Yeah, it used to be a French colony. You used to be my dad's country. Yeah.

[D Madness]

What was your dad's country again?

[Alex Tarshon]

Tunisia.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, wow.

[D Madness]

Tunisia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what?

[Harlan Williams]

Tunisia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow.

[Harlan Williams]

Holy. Oh, yeah, that's definitely hat on here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, that is incredible.

[Harlan Williams]

How do we find it? Is it a video?

[Alex Tarshon]

No, I had to delete the audio too. But the. It's like a. They wouldn't take down the article because the company went out of business. So it's just kind of stuck there.

[Harlan Williams]

Alex Tarshon. ChatGPT says Alex Tarshon was involved in an incident where he made a prank call to a suicide prevention hotline, which

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

led to his arrest and charges of second degree false incident report and disorderly conduct.

[Harlan Williams]

Is that true?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This fucking guy's incredible. This is the only show where people get an applause break. For being arrested for pranking a suicide holler through a brawl, though. True art.

[Alex Tarshon]

I had a. I had an arrest one time where I had a 60 year charge that was like a class X felony in Illinois.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Harlan Williams]

What did you do there?

[Alex Tarshon]

So basically my friend was like, I'm gonna go mule. My friend was like, I'm gonna go mule like a bunch of weed across the country. And I was like, I. Like, I'm not doing anything. Like, I'll go hang out. Like, I'll go for the. I'll go for the ride.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You just wanted to go along for the ride?

[Alex Tarshon]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow. Okay.

[Alex Tarshon]

Yeah. And then, like, the thing is, like, we had a driver who was, you know, like, kind of on the spectrum a little bit. Like, not in a bad way, but, like, for this it was terrible because, like, I was in the front seat just, like, taking a nap and, like, the cop was knocking on my window. I'm like, how does. How does the cop waking me up? Like, you know, I mean, like, that's, you know, but like, right before bed, like, I was like, braiding my hair. Like, right before I went to sleep in the car. Yeah, I was braiding my hair just thinking, like, well, if I get arrested, like, I want to have a good mug shot. And then, like, I actually did wake up to a cop on the window and I was like, oh, shit.

[Harlan Williams]

And was your hair completely braided at that point?

[Alex Tarshon]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow. Did you get the magical mug shot that you had hoped for?

[Alex Tarshon]

I really did. I really did.

[Harlan Williams]

Go back to Alex.

[Alex Tarshon]

If you go.

[Red Band]

If you go.

[Alex Tarshon]

On my YouTube, it's like the opening for my cartoons.

[Harlan Williams]

It is, yeah.

[Alex Tarshon]

Episode two. True four.

[D Madness]

So you have a cartoon too?

[Alex Tarshon]

Yeah. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, he has a wildly successful cartoon.

[Harlan Williams]

Tell Harlan the name of your cartoon.

[D Madness]

What is it?

[Alex Tarshon]

So basically, it's the black version of Ed. Edd N Eddy.

[Harlan Williams]

And what's it called?

[D Madness]

What is it called?

[Alex Tarshon]

Nig, Nigga. Nigga.

[Harlan Williams]

There you go. There you go. Just in case you were wondering,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

self

[Harlan Williams]

described, half black, half.

[Alex Tarshon]

Half Moulinon.

[Harlan Williams]

That's right. Absolutely incredible, this guy.

[D Madness]

Yeah. Friend of yours?

[Harlan Williams]

You can ask him anything and you get an unbelievable answer. Every goddamn. All the stuff that we found out this interview we didn't talk about last week. It's been 17 minutes he's been up here. Time Flies with Alex Tarshon.

[D Madness]

So this cartoon is an excellent for kids.

[Alex Tarshon]

Not really.

[D Madness]

Who's it for?

[Alex Tarshon]

It's just for people like, who just like comedy and stuff. Not too sensitive and, you know.

[D Madness]

You know, if you Say Beetlejuice three times, it disappears. So what was the name of your show?

[Alex Tarshon]

Everybody at the same time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Alex Tarshon]

This is Nigg. Nigga. Nigger.

[D Madness]

What was it?

[Alex Tarshon]

Nig. Nigga. Nigga.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Lot of bleeps this episode coming in.

[D Madness]

Does anything happen if you say that three times?

[Alex Tarshon]

You know what? Like, nah.

[Harlan Williams]

There you go. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red Band keeps trying to Google your cartoon. Delete my search history.

[Harlan Williams]

He typed in the name of your

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

cartoon and Bell Bib devoe popped up for some reason.

[Harlan Williams]

So, Alex, last week at the last second of many of many minutes of interview, we found out that your shoes were falling apart.

[Alex Tarshon]

Show the audience get a good, good peek at this. We got the old alligator.

[Harlan Williams]

Lift it up, lift it up and pull it down so that people can see.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You see that?

[Harlan Williams]

And this guy's out there delivering pizzas, hustling, getting kicked out of his apartment, taking care of eight dogs. So we have a gift for you. The lovely Heidi is bringing it out.

[Alex Tarshon]

Let's go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is, yeah, your size.

[Harlan Williams]

It's a brand new pair of Nikes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bust those things out and pop them on there. Alex.

[D Madness]

Just pull them out if he says it three times.

[Harlan Williams]

There you go, Alex.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A pair of my favorite shoes. Yeah, put them on. Put them on, Alex. Put them on.

[Harlan Williams]

You son of a. Take off those dirty shoes. You should start wearing socks, Alex.

[Alex Tarshon]

I. I asked Chat GPT if I should wear socks, and I said yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. Yeah, you could ask anybody. They would have told you yes. You didn't have to go to Chat GPT.

[Harlan Williams]

You didn't have to use that kind of technology. Red bands really ramping up to say something here, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why do you wear that hat every week?

[Lucas Hinderliter]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William Montgomery wore it last week and he said his whole head smelled like pizza for the rest of the night.

[Harlan Williams]

There you go. Was it worth it? We already talked about the thing. It's good. How do the shoes feel?

[Alex Tarshon]

They feel great. I feel like it's a good color.

[D Madness]

They really match your. Your do rag, bro. That's like a good, good look.

[Alex Tarshon]

My hair gets really frizzy because, like, the hot heat around here.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah.

[Alex Tarshon]

So I try to keep the, like, you know, kind of moisture in.

[D Madness]

But how do you feel about the way it matches? You must feel like a million bucks.

[Alex Tarshon]

Like a Hot Wheels car.

[D Madness]

Feel like a Hot Wheels car.

[Harlan Williams]

You.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have the vibe of a Hot Wheels car.

[Harlan Williams]

It's very, very Death in an elevator, if you will.

[D Madness]

That joke doesn't work. I already tried it.

[Seth Burton]

You know,

[Harlan Williams]

so we're going to throw Those old shoes out.

[Alex Tarshon]

We throw them over to the, like, the telephone line.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, if you want to. Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You could.

[Harlan Williams]

You could do that if you want. Alex, congratulations. You have new shoes. Another set and interview. Down the hatch. Thank you, Alex.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes, everybody. There he goes. He bought a new suit just for this. 75 on Amazon Prime.

[D Madness]

You bought him those shoes, Tom.

[Red Band]

Tony.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

That was really nice. You, man.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

Those are nice shoes. Hey, would it be inappropriate? Because I'm just. How much they cost? Can I ask, or is that inappropriate? A rack of them cost?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, I think they were. I think they were like 120 bucks.

[D Madness]

Nice guy.

[Harlan Williams]

They're my favorite shoes, so I got them a pair of my own favorite shoes.

[D Madness]

Give Tony a hand. That's nice right there, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I bought them all.

[D Madness]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In New York City from the Nike store.

[D Madness]

That's nice.

[Harlan Williams]

And I was surprised at how great they are. They're my favorite shoes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, make some noise for your next bucket pool. It's Nicholas Hartley, everybody. Here we go.

[Phil Smith]

Hey.

[Nicholas Hartley]

My grandpa is not a big sports fan. In fact, I think his favorite sport is Family Feud. Because every episode they put a white family versus a black family. And my grandpa, die hard Whites fan, I'll tell you that. He fucking loves those guys. I think the worst day of his life is when Steve Harvey took over. Cause he's just sitting there like the

[Harlan Williams]

ref is on their team.

[Nicholas Hartley]

It isn't fucking fair, you know, like, you think Steve is rigging the game. He's so delusional, you know, like, I'm watching a nice family friendly show and my grandpa's watching Steve go over there. Like, white family name a word that white people can't say. You hear the black family go, good answer. Good answer. I never want to excuse my grandpa for his racism, but he grew up on a farm in the 1940s. If he died of racism today, they would say he died doing what he loved. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Harlan Williams]

Nicholas Hartley.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Some Family Feud material.

[Harlan Williams]

We love the Feud around here.

[Ian Simon]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

Okay.

[Harlan Williams]

You don't like the Family Feud?

[D Madness]

I hate that thing.

[Harlan Williams]

Why?

[D Madness]

Because of him?

[Phil Smith]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

No, I don't. I'm ambivalent.

[Harlan Williams]

I love it.

[D Madness]

That's a big word, guy. I know. Relax.

[Harlan Williams]

That's not a guy.

[D Madness]

Oh, sorry. Sorry. It.

[Harlan Williams]

Nicholas, is this your first time on the show?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yes, sir.

[Harlan Williams]

Welcome, welcome. How old are you?

[Nicholas Hartley]

I'm 26.

[Harlan Williams]

26. How long you been doing standup?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Two and a half years.

[Harlan Williams]

Two and a half. What do you do for work? Work?

[Nicholas Hartley]

I work at a Mexican Restaurant.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow. What do you do at a Mexican restaurant? The bartender?

[Nicholas Hartley]

A lot of it's just me going up to Mexican ladies and being like ingles. And they're like, no, that's a lot of it. But most of it's just me serving and, you know, getting food back and forth, trying not to get fired.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow. A white guy serving at a Mexican restaurant.

[Nicholas Hartley]

It is going up there like, can

[Seth Burton]

I get you some Chili killies?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Would that be all right? And they go, no.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay. How long have you been serving at this Mexican restaurant?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Four months.

[Harlan Williams]

Four months. What were you doing before that?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Before that I was playing professional rugby.

[Harlan Williams]

Rugby? Professionally?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

You were getting paid to play rugby?

[Nicholas Hartley]

19 bucks an hour.

[Harlan Williams]

It was 19 bucks an hour. How many hours a week would you do that?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Well, they paid us for four hours a week because that was practice. But then we were really doing like 10 hour days every day, you know, film study and all that other. So.

[D Madness]

Wow, that's a brutal game. What's your worst injury?

[Nicholas Hartley]

My guy, I popped out my collarbone one time in a rugby game and I was walking off field and another fella come around the weak side and popped it back in and I couldn't move my arm for like a week. It was. It was pretty sick. Made jerking off really hard.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, okay.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah, I still did it.

[Harlan Williams]

You're left handed. Yeah, absolutely incredible.

[D Madness]

Great story. And then he wrecks it at the end.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Tough business.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yes, sir.

[Harlan Williams]

Rugby is a tough business.

[D Madness]

A little like, no offense, but you don't have the biggest build I've ever seen for a rugby player.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah, I'm fast. I'm really fast. And that's a cheerleader by any chance? Yeah, I did in high school. That was kind of neat.

[Harlan Williams]

You were a cheerleader?

[Cassandra Hartford]

Yeah, yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

It's amazing because I picked up on those energies as well. I could feel male cheers leader energy.

[D Madness]

Can you give us one of your best cheers?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah, I mean, I was a bass. I didn't really do any of that. I was just like that. And then I just give us one

[D Madness]

of your most perverted looks.

[Nicholas Hartley]

I can do a toe touch.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, let's do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, the first toe touch of the evening.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow.

[D Madness]

David Lee Roth in the house, huh, guy?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yes, sir.

[D Madness]

Go ahead and jump, huh, player?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah, yeah.

[D Madness]

Wow, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Absolutely.

[Harlan Williams]

Very impressive.

[D Madness]

You do that again, bro, in slow motion.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. My dad's going to hate everything about what just happened, I'll tell you that.

[Harlan Williams]

Your dad doesn't like the fact that you were a male cheerleader, like gays I'll say that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, he probably wasn't going to like the show anyway because I am the host.

[Harlan Williams]

So let's talk about it. This is all very interesting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is your.

[Harlan Williams]

Was the stuff with your grandpa real?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah. So he watches Family Feud all the time. I mean, I've never really seen him be like, oh, you know, he's saying the phrase that I said. But he definitely says things he should not. I'll say that. And he thinks Steve is cheating somehow.

[Harlan Williams]

Really?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yes.

[Harlan Williams]

He thinks that the host is cheating.

[Seth Burton]

Yeah.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Because the black family actually wins a lot, and that blows his mind every time. Like, he'll sit there and he'll be like. He'll be like, that's on the board. That's on. That's. That's and a half. And then he'll be like, the black personal answer. You're like, hey, why would anybody think that? And then it's ding. He goes, this is.

[Harlan Williams]

I love it.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Oh, yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

That is incredible. Do you ever video record him watching it?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Not at all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You should.

[Nicholas Hartley]

I would love to do that.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, that would. That's a great idea. Turn this bit into a reality show. People would love to watch a racist old guy watch the Feud.

[Nicholas Hartley]

I mean, I. I always say that, like, kind of watching it. If I've been gone for a while, I forget how racist he is, you know, but, like, I love my grandpa.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Nicholas Hartley]

So when I go back and watch Family Feud, it almost feels like cracking open a cold one after an AA meeting, you know, I'm like, I can't enjoy this, but God damn, does it hit the spot every single time. Every time.

[D Madness]

Does he ever watch basketball and yell the same shit at the white people?

[Nicholas Hartley]

No, he refuses to watch basketball. Is. He does not consider that an American sport, I don't believe. But wow.

[D Madness]

And his son plays Australian rugby.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah, I don't know about that one. He wasn't happy. You know, he wants me to be an engineer, but that's. I got a little sad.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, no, you're doing just fine.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Thank you.

[Harlan Williams]

Tony, what's the most racist thing you've ever heard your grandpa say?

[Nicholas Hartley]

I actually have an answer. The most racist thing my grandpa ever said doesn't even involve the N word. I was at an American Legion with him, and there was this black man there, and I thought, my grandpa's not racist. He just doesn't like people who are, you know, who don't like the things he likes. If you found a black guy who likes bluegrass, who likes country music and was an ex veteran, they'd get along, and this guy was all of that. And I got in the car with him. I was like, what'd you think of that guy, Grandpa? Do you like that guy? Because they were having fun, and he goes, that guy. He's fine around us good white folks, but we put him on his own kind. The jungle just comes out in them, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Absolutely incredible.

[D Madness]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[D Madness]

All right.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yep.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow.

[Red Band]

That is.

[Nicholas Hartley]

I pulled my hamstring on that one. That one.

[Uncle Laser]

Okay.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yes, sir.

[Harlan Williams]

Absolutely. Perfect. What you say? D. Madness. Oh, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You can't be mad at him.

[Harlan Williams]

He's not racist.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

D. He's talking about his grandpa. D. You. You just like the fact that he

[Harlan Williams]

would hurt himself because he has a racist grandpa.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Not really.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Perfect.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, we didn't really get much of anywhere with that talk. Nicholas Hartley, what do you do for fun? What are some hobbies?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Years.

[Harlan Williams]

Now that you're out of the rugby game and you're working at a Mexican restaurant, when you're not doing standup, what else do you like to do?

[Nicholas Hartley]

I mean, I. I play a lot of sudokos, and I'd play chess and.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay.

[Nicholas Hartley]

I mean, as far as fun, I like to golf. I golf a lot.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Very interesting. Do you have a love life? Is there a particular lover out there?

[Nicholas Hartley]

I do. I have a lady. She's a gal, and I like that.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Big fan of her being a gal and.

[Harlan Williams]

Yep.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah, she's a good lady. She's Catholic, and that. That causes some friction between us. Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Why would it cause friction?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Well, I. I'm a Protestant, and her mother hates me for that, so.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Look at that.

[Harlan Williams]

White nights fighting.

[Seth Burton]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah. D. Madness is happy right now.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. He's smiling ear to ear over here for sure.

[D Madness]

What's your girlfriend do, bro? Cephia.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Well, she's getting her master's in college right now. And. Bro. Sephi.

[Harlan Williams]

Off. What is she getting her masters in?

[Nicholas Hartley]

She wants to be a dietitian.

[D Madness]

Oh.

[Harlan Williams]

Is she a bigger girl?

[Nicholas Hartley]

No, but she does do CrossFit, and she's probably stronger than me right now. That makes me upset.

[Harlan Williams]

Huh.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Huh?

[Harlan Williams]

Why? Have you ever asked her why she wants to be a dietitian? Why she wants to work with.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah, she says she wants to help people, and, like, there's so many other ways you could do that, you know? But she just likes food, and she likes to help people. She might be fat. I don't know. But. No, she's a nice lady, and I can.

[Harlan Williams]

How long have you been with her?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Year. Okay.

[Harlan Williams]

All right. Trying to figure this out. Nicholas Hartley. I find I feel like I'm a question away from figuring out something. What scares you?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Oh, shoot.

[D Madness]

Black people.

[Harlan Williams]

It's unbelievable.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We do all that work, man.

[Nicholas Hartley]

What scares me? I. You know, I really don't like crowded spaces. I really hate crowded spaces because I'm a small guy and I get smushed into places, you know, that's just a real fear. But I am also afraid of, like, heights, too. I think I have a lot of fears, to be honest.

[Harlan Williams]

But you're afraid of heights?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah, I'm afraid of heights.

[Harlan Williams]

When's the last time you were somewhere high?

[Nicholas Hartley]

We went to Colorado one time.

[Harlan Williams]

And you were scared the whole time?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Not the whole time, you know, but like when you get standing on like a ledge and leaning down, you feel like you're gonna fall. I don't like that at all. All right, Nicholas, not the best answer.

[Harlan Williams]

I know, but have you ever been arrested?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Never been arrested, but I should have been several times.

[Harlan Williams]

What was it? What do you think you should have been arrested for?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Well, when I was in high school, me and my buddies would drive around drinking Jack Daniels bottles. And then we would just chuck them out the window. And sometimes we put like a little $20 bill in them and stuff like that.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Set them out like fishing lures, you know?

[Harlan Williams]

Damn interesting. I think I know about a guy on an exit ramp that saw one of those and tried to stop real quick for sure. Flipped his truck. All right. Anything else crazy we should know about you, Nicholas, and the other fun facts about your life? Grandpa was racist. What about Grandma? Did you ever hang out with Grandma?

[Nicholas Hartley]

So here's the thing with Grandma, okay? Grandma pretends to not be racist.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, let's go. So let's go.

[Nicholas Hartley]

We'll be watching Family Feud and grandpa's going off and she's like, now, Dale, Dale, you can't be saying that around the grandkids, you know? And then she'll lean over to me because I'm one of her older grandchildren. Go. You know, they're just not as smart as us, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Nicholas Hartley]

I'm like, grandma, she's a nice lady, but she's got some demons in her, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. She puts on a front like she's

[Harlan Williams]

not racist, but then she whispers to her little favorites.

[Red Band]

Yeah.

[Nicholas Hartley]

And that's the crazy thing is too, I think they think I'm racist too, because I'm not going to tell an 80 year old man you're wrong for that, you know? So I just go, yeah, actually, that's true. Because I went. I was hanging around my grandpa's friends one time, and he just coyly said. He's like, this is my grandson, Nick.

[Seth Burton]

He's.

[Nicholas Hartley]

He's like us, you know, I was like, I. I like bluegrass. I do like bluegrass. Grandpa.

[Uncle Laser]

Wow.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Big fan of bluegrass. He's. Dude, my dad's gonna be so pissed about this. My dad is gonna be so pissed.

[Harlan Williams]

It's perfect. That means you're doing something right.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Thank you.

[D Madness]

You ever sit around with the family and watch Wheel of Fortune with the hoods on?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah. No, we never. We never done it with the hoods on. We.

[D Madness]

You will. You will.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yes, sir.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, Nicholas, congratulations.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got on the show. You did it. Thank you.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Caught a little low toss there. Let's have some more fun. Your next bucket poll is from the inside, ladies and gentlemen. So it's probably gonna take her a while to get up here. Make some noise. It is one of you representing this audience. Make some noise for Cassandra Hartford, everybody. Cassandra Hartford. There she is, right in the middle. Normally a fun fact, the audience sign ups normally don't do as well as the comedians. That's why a lot of people are leaving right now. These people have to go open up their food truck. They have a food truck that they run together. By the way, shout out to R&B's Steakhouse making cheese steaks for us tonight. Here is Cassandra Hartford, everybody. Make some noise for Cassandra.

[Cassandra Hartford]

My cousin called me on the way earlier today to let me know how excited she was that she took a Ancestry.com test and we are 12% of the same DNA. Thank God I'm only 12% fat. Gosh. Other cousins are black and in jail, so I don't know which one's worse. None of them have ever seen a ballot box. Wait, do they let retards vote in Texas? They do, yeah, if you couldn't tell. I grew up prejudiced. I thought everyone with down syndrome was related. Just one big old family of thumbs. Did you guys hear about the big bankruptcy? You know, they employ all of the retards in America. What was that a hooters? What are we gonna do with all those girls? That's my time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, Cassandra Hartford.

[Harlan Williams]

Actually doing pretty good for an audience bucket pool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible.

[Harlan Williams]

You said retard 11 times during your set. But you know what they say. If you are one, you're allowed to say the word. So congratulations. Welcome, welcome. This is the first time we've had

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

our own hawktua girl on the show, very exciting. Hawk 3 over here.

[Harlan Williams]

We'll call you like a new model of Hawk Tua. What brings you to Austin, Texas? Do you live here?

[Cassandra Hartford]

I do not live here. I live in Florida.

[Harlan Williams]

What part of Florida?

[Cassandra Hartford]

Melbourne, just outside of Orlando.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uh huh.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay. And. And you're just visiting Austin?

[Cassandra Hartford]

Just visiting Austin. I came in for a concert.

[Harlan Williams]

What concert?

[Cassandra Hartford]

Penny and Sparrow over at the Paramount.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow.

[Cassandra Hartford]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

I've never heard of them. What kind of music is that?

[Cassandra Hartford]

Little folky, little blues.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay, yeah. You know about them? You know about nothing musically. How do you know about them?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can't remember actually, but no, they're great. They're great. Is it girls?

[Cassandra Hartford]

No. Two dudes, Andy and Kyle.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow, you're looking at dudes playing music. What's going on over here? Look at my little cultured co host over here. I never knew you had it in you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're chill.

[D Madness]

They're like really cool. Penny and Sparrow, is it like country music?

[Cassandra Hartford]

Not country.

[Harlan Williams]

Considered folk. Their biggest song is called Slaves. There's kind of a theme tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know if anybody's catching on to it. Trying to get away from the racism thing in my reputation right now.

[Harlan Williams]

And episodes like this don't help at all. I'm here for a concert. Penny and Sparrow. You might know them from their hit Slaves. Couple white guys singing about slaves. All right, and what's your story? You're married. You have a big, big diamond on that finger. Whoa. How long you been married for?

[Cassandra Hartford]

I'm engaged. I've been engaged for about three years.

[Harlan Williams]

Let me just tell you. Let me just tell you. There's a theme tonight. I don't know if you've been watching this show, but you. You better get married because he could. He could die at any point. Why do you think you've been engaged for three years as a. And he hasn't pulled the trigger yet.

[Cassandra Hartford]

He already pulled the trigger. I haven't planned the wedding.

[Harlan Williams]

You. It's up to you now. Why are you hesitating on planning a wedding?

[Cassandra Hartford]

I just, I. I don't have the intrinsic desire to like, pick the flowers and like that whole like, dress thing. Like I. I can't be bought. It's like, it's me. It's not him, it's me. I'm the problem.

[D Madness]

He's in for a ride.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Geez Louise.

[Cassandra Hartford]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

Isn't it every girl's dream to do this? And you're like. You just sound like. You don't seem enthused.

[Cassandra Hartford]

I don't like being Judged by Evil Knievel, first of all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, look at that.

[D Madness]

I'll take that. Damn, I'll take that. I love Evil Knievel.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, my God.

[D Madness]

Just call me Eve.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Summer's Eve, am I right?

[D Madness]

Juice your mouth.

[Harlan Williams]

I love it. So what do you do for work, Cassandra? Hartford.

[Cassandra Hartford]

Yes, it's Hartford Ford.

[D Madness]

I own a L. Correct over

[Cassandra Hartford]

the fur. Just gives that 12%, you know.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay.

[Cassandra Hartford]

Leaning out of that.

[Harlan Williams]

There's 18. There it is. You're.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're. You're.

[Harlan Williams]

Special trick.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Cassandra Hartford]

I own a commercial real estate brokerage.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow, look at that. What is your husband's husband to be do?

[Cassandra Hartford]

Manages money.

[Harlan Williams]

He manages money. Is he good at it?

[Cassandra Hartford]

I think he's pretty good.

[Harlan Williams]

You have a nice home as a. Your commercial real.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah.

[Liv Taylor]

Yeah.

[Cassandra Hartford]

I don't live in my car like the rest of the guys that come up. I'm so sorry. I just.

[Harlan Williams]

Hell, yeah.

[Cassandra Hartford]

I just get, like, a regular life.

[Harlan Williams]

You don't have eight pit bulls? What kind of a car do you have?

[Cassandra Hartford]

Tesla. I. A Tesla?

[Harlan Williams]

You don't like your Tesla?

[Cassandra Hartford]

I just look like I drive a Tesla. So it's, you know, it's.

[D Madness]

The Teslas are great.

[Cassandra Hartford]

I fucking love Teslas.

[Harlan Williams]

But everybody that has a Tesla loves it.

[Cassandra Hartford]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

Why? You feel like you're afraid to talk about it or something?

[Cassandra Hartford]

Yeah, because this is the MAGA convention of comedy. Right? Just putting a bullseye on my back. I'm teasing. No, I just look like. I look like what I am. I know, I'm aware.

[Harlan Williams]

So funny. Tesla was always a liberal car. It used to be the funniest thing,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

like, save the planet everything again.

[D Madness]

Oil and gas.

[Harlan Williams]

Same with all the people that they. All the good people. They're considered MAGA now. Isn't that interesting?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

On Amazon, for $15, they have these things where you could take off the Tesla logos and put a Honda Prius on it, and people think it's a Honda Prius.

[Cassandra Hartford]

Cool. Thanks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So if you want a Honda Prius,

[D Madness]

or even in your case, you could put retard on it.

[Seth Burton]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. And then everyone will know it's you.

[Harlan Williams]

It's the retard girl.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cassandra Hartford.

[Harlan Williams]

What do you do for fun, Cassandra? This. You do stand up. How long you been on stand up?

[Cassandra Hartford]

For, like, five hours. So you do, like, in total, you know, like stage time.

[Harlan Williams]

Right. So did you perform five hours ago?

[Cassandra Hartford]

No.

[Liv Taylor]

No.

[Cassandra Hartford]

Like, collectively, five hours.

[Harlan Williams]

So you wrote that. You wrote your six retard jokes and

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

decided to do this today?

[Cassandra Hartford]

No. So on stage, on and off. Yeah. He gets it. He's just trying to get me to say a year and a half. Yeah, Red band. Understood.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Cassandra Hartford]

I said he understood.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, he doesn't. Now I want to hear it from you, not from red.

[Cassandra Hartford]

On and off for about a year. Total time on stage, five hours.

[Harlan Williams]

So you've been. You first went on stage about a year and a half ago?

[Cassandra Hartford]

Correct.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay. Why would you say five hours then?

[Cassandra Hartford]

It's just confusing to me when people like eight years and I'm like, but how much time on stage?

[Harlan Williams]

Because that your way is so much dumber than their way, by the way.

[Cassandra Hartford]

Okay.

[D Madness]

We don't say dumber. We say.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, I'm trying to. There you go. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is so. This is a bleep fest is what's happening right now.

[D Madness]

People hate the bleep minute show.

[Alex Tarshon]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

So in a year and a half, you think you've been on stage five hours is what you're saying about.

[Cassandra Hartford]

I live in a smaller market, so there's not a ton of mics and stuff to go up at.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay.

[Cassandra Hartford]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Do you have fun when you perform stand up comedy?

[Cassandra Hartford]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Like, do you make friends that are comedians?

[Cassandra Hartford]

I try to.

[Harlan Williams]

Do you have more friends in the real estate business or the comedy business? Business.

[Cassandra Hartford]

Real estate. It's just because you're working with them all day. Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Are you good at selling commercial real estate?

[Cassandra Hartford]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

You are?

[Cassandra Hartford]

Yeah. Yeah. So good. I, like, opened a company and I started doing it.

[Harlan Williams]

You have your own company, right? So good at it that you started your own company?

[Cassandra Hartford]

It's like. It's like a does. It literally does.

[D Madness]

Okay, we're down to seven.

[Harlan Williams]

Where did you meet your husband to be at?

[Cassandra Hartford]

We met at a comedy show.

[Harlan Williams]

At a comedy show? Were you performing?

[Cassandra Hartford]

I was not. I had no interest.

[Harlan Williams]

What was the comedy show?

[Cassandra Hartford]

Just a mic in Melbourne, Florida.

[Harlan Williams]

You guys were just at a random open mic together.

[Seth Burton]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

And you guys were sat next to

[Cassandra Hartford]

each other in the same room. And he's hot, so it was kind of like, oh, whoa, a unicorn.

[Harlan Williams]

Did he. Does he. He doesn't do stand up, though.

[Cassandra Hartford]

He does not know.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay.

[Cassandra Hartford]

No, no, no.

[Harlan Williams]

You're the funny one in this relationship.

[Uncle Laser]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

What are you doing?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red band.

[D Madness]

Red band.

[Harlan Williams]

You're doing physical.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys didn't realize the whole time she's had her hand in her front pocket.

[Cassandra Hartford]

Playing with her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why the Just playing with her chin

[D Madness]

the whole time she's just going like this.

[Harlan Williams]

You got Colton Christie over here. Very excited about the front pocket. Acknowledgement. Judgment on a podcast. Cassandra, Most interesting thing about Your life before I let you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, God.

[Cassandra Hartford]

It was a teen mom.

[Harlan Williams]

You were twice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Harlan Williams]

So how old are your kids now?

[Cassandra Hartford]

17 and a half and 16 and a half.

[Harlan Williams]

So 17 and what?

[Cassandra Hartford]

So they're almost 18. Almost 17. So they're almost adults.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Cassandra Hartford]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

My goodness.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

And who was that guy? You still talk to him?

[Cassandra Hartford]

When I have to.

[Harlan Williams]

Right. Is he a good guy? Does he have a steady job?

[Cassandra Hartford]

I hope so.

[Harlan Williams]

You don't know?

[Cassandra Hartford]

I mean, no, they. They interact with him, but it's more like a shared, you know, he's. Yeah, he's a. He's a. We were. We were teenagers, so, you know.

[Harlan Williams]

And you let him nut inside of you all the time. Did you not know how the birds and the bees worked?

[Cassandra Hartford]

I guess not.

[Harlan Williams]

You did? No.

[Cassandra Hartford]

When you're kids and you're around and you're making dumb decisions, but he was

[Harlan Williams]

finishing inside of you, you didn't notice that?

[Cassandra Hartford]

There's this weird thing that like some men will do where they'll finish and then keep going because they're so embarrassed by how quick they finish.

[Harlan Williams]

Ah, the old Florida toury. Yeah, that's what happens.

[D Madness]

The old manatee meatloaf.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right.

[Harlan Williams]

The old pepperoni pit set. The old double stuffed crust. The old elephant ear.

[D Madness]

Can I ask. This is kind of an intimate question.

[Harlan Williams]

Absolutely.

[D Madness]

Digs a little deep.

[Harlan Williams]

Absolutely.

[D Madness]

You were getting deep. Daddy wants to get deep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dig, Daddy, dig.

[D Madness]

So you're doing the teenager thing and sometimes when you're a teen.

[Cassandra Hartford]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

You don't have a place you can do the deed. So did not to get too. But did you do it in a car or something? Like did you have fun in a car?

[Harlan Williams]

Good question.

[Cassandra Hartford]

I respect that question. No, it was always at his parents house.

[D Madness]

Like in the basement or something?

[Cassandra Hartford]

Just in a bedroom.

[Harlan Williams]

In like a race car bed.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Were there posters on the wall? Do you remember if there were posters on the wall?

[Cassandra Hartford]

It was dark.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was always dark.

[Cassandra Hartford]

Dark.

[D Madness]

Okay. Were the parents in the house when you were doing it?

[Cassandra Hartford]

Probably. Probably in the garage ripping cigarettes.

[D Madness]

That's why he did it so fast. The parents were there.

[Cassandra Hartford]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

Yeah, you got it when the parents are there. Did you ever do it at your house or was it always at his house?

[Cassandra Hartford]

Always his.

[D Madness]

Why not your house?

[Cassandra Hartford]

It was rough.

[Harlan Williams]

Tell us more.

[Cassandra Hartford]

Yeah, it was a rough house. My bedroom was the carport of the house that was closed in at some point.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow.

[Cassandra Hartford]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

I didn't realize that the character Jenny from Forrest Gump was based on you. That really is a rough upbringing. Being raised in a carport.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. We never got to have sex at her place. Cassandra lived in a carport,

[Uncle Laser]

so I

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

had to nut inside of her in

[Harlan Williams]

my race car bed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I kind of sound like Joe White. Inside of her. Tony, where's Joe White at? Get him up here. Where's he at? Some of you might not know, but we have a house photographer that's 175 years old, and he has one of the funniest voices you've ever heard.

[Harlan Williams]

We couldn't.

[Seth Burton]

I have to.

[Harlan Williams]

Where is he?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's coming up the stairs. Oh, this is going to take forever.

[William Montgomery]

Wow.

[Harlan Williams]

My goodness. And how about this? This new man. Where is he? Where's this supposed hot fiance of yours? Where's he at?

[Cassandra Hartford]

Glasses?

[Harlan Williams]

Which guy? Oh, look at that guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Harlan Williams]

Look at fucking Clark Kent over here. Holy shit. And how about him? Do you let him finish inside of you like you did, like you did the old boy back in the day? Does this guy do the old fucking dump and pump? Is this guy come and keep going at the same time? Does this guy do the old fucking.

[D Madness]

It's called the manatee meatloaf. I already told.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, the old creme de la creme. The old frosted flake.

[D Madness]

Wow.

[Harlan Williams]

The old. All right, where the Is Joe White? Okay, Joe White. Here's Joe White, everybody. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he is.

[D Madness]

There he is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Our photographer since. Wait, don't take her mic. Joe, Joe, Joe, give her her mic back. We got a special mic for you, you crazy old batty bastard.

[Harlan Williams]

Let's do a version of the Forrest Gump music, but not exactly, so that it sets off the YouTube censors. And then, Joe, I want you to say. I want you to say. I want you to say, we. We couldn't have sex at her place because she lived in a carport. Ready? 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4.

[D Madness]

We couldn't have sex at her place because she lived in a carport.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perfect. Perfect. If podcast gave out Emmy awards, I swear to God, we would win one. I swear to God. Perfect. All right,

[D Madness]

perfect.

[Harlan Williams]

How about a hand for Joe White, ladies and gentlemen? We love you, Joe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Biggest pimp in the world. Guys, not a lot of people know this, but he's the one that took

[Harlan Williams]

the picture at the last Supper.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's a photographer for Paul Revere back in the day. So many great things that we was him. Here is a.

[Harlan Williams]

A big joke book, Cassandra.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're going to give it to you. Even though your set was just okay. I like your energy and Your attitude, Cassandra Hartford. Oh, that's what happens when you keep your hand in your pocket.

[Harlan Williams]

They're not ready, Cassandra Hartford.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, let's get one last bucket pull up here. We're in over time. Now make some noise for Jovan Afzali. Or Johan, perhaps. Or Jovan.

[Jovan Afzali]

All right, let me know if this makes you laugh. Okay, so I. Okay, so I went to get a physical the other day, right? And I get to the doctors and I show them my insurance card and they're like, oh, with your insurance we can only check your sight and your weight. So they took me in the back and they made me look in a mirror and just guess how fat I was. I'm like, oh, oh, I'm not that fat. Okay, like, you're definitely gonna need glasses.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay,

[Jovan Afzali]

So there was a lot of hot girls at the library today, but I didn't talk to any of them because it's hard to be charming when you have to whisper. So instead I just sat down next to one and I read Eating Pussy for Dummies and vigorously highlighted. I swear to God, man, if one more person says I look exactly like George Floyd, I'm gonna lose my shit. You know me, I'm just a classic incel. One time I had sex with a blow up doll on an air mattress. I've never been more out of breath. Holy shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Jovan Afzali, ladies and gentlemen. An incredible set.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow. Perhaps more jokes than we've heard from every bucket pool all night tonight, all in one 60 second set. Harlan Williams.

[D Madness]

Every joke hit. Yeah, like every single joke, you got a big laugh. So way to go, bud.

[Jovan Afzali]

Thank you.

[Harlan Williams]

Incredible. And you've been on this show before, right?

[Jovan Afzali]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Did not go that well last time, right?

[Jovan Afzali]

No, I think, yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

I think you're showing growth. It happens. It's a natural thing. How long you been on standup?

[Jovan Afzali]

I'm four years.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, four years. All of it here in Austin.

[Jovan Afzali]

No, I. Two years in Austin, two years in Albany. That's where I'm from. New York.

[Harlan Williams]

Another upstate New York. Absolutely incredible.

[D Madness]

Wow.

[Harlan Williams]

Congratulations on getting out of there. What do you do for work?

[D Madness]

I'm.

[Jovan Afzali]

I'm a cook at like a sushi restaurant nearby.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. Oh, hell yeah.

[D Madness]

Well, that doesn't make sense.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Sense.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

Well, cook sushi dude.

[Jovan Afzali]

Yeah, I guess I see your point.

[D Madness]

I think he's lying is what he's doing.

[Harlan Williams]

Hell yeah.

[Jovan Afzali]

Well, it wasn't my first choice. Yeah. Like I wanted to be a hibachi cook because, like, it's the only job where you get to throw shrimp into black guy's mouths and nobody bats an eye. But wow. But they wouldn't hire me.

[D Madness]

Here we go. We almost made. We almost had a big good ending. But we gotta chop down another minute now.

[Harlan Williams]

Incredible. So what are you cooking? You're basically deep frying wontons. Edamame.

[Jovan Afzali]

No, I'm a prep cook. And the sauce guy just got fired today. So I got moved up to sauces.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Wow. Yes, sauce.

[Harlan Williams]

What? Do you know why the sauce guy got fired?

[Jovan Afzali]

It's a big mystery. But I can only guess, you know? Yeah,

[Harlan Williams]

probably putting. What would you guess?

[Jovan Afzali]

Probably putting bad stuff in the sauce.

[Harlan Williams]

There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No doubt about it.

[Harlan Williams]

That's exactly what I was thinking.

[D Madness]

Have you ever seen a sauce Squatch?

[Jovan Afzali]

That's corny. That's corny. What the hey.

[D Madness]

I'm Evil Knievel. I do what I want. I said, have you ever seen a sauce.

[Harlan Williams]

What's the best sauce that you're looking forward to making?

[Jovan Afzali]

Oh, there's this really good one. It's like edamame with jalapenos in it. And it's like. We call it edj. And it's like.

[Seth Burton]

I don't know.

[Jovan Afzali]

It's delicious.

[Harlan Williams]

Why do you call it edj?

[Jovan Afzali]

Edamame, Jalapeno.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, I see.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Put it together, you would say that, which is cool and all dipshit, but that would make it ej.

[Harlan Williams]

Or else you would just go the first two letters of both words.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

Edj.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Asos.

[Jovan Afzali]

Okay, Yeah, I see your point. Yeah, I see your. I see your point. I'm sorry for overreacting.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, you're goddamn right you are. Little bulldike.

[D Madness]

Don't worry about it, ds.

[Harlan Williams]

I give these people a shot, they want to get a goddamn goddamn attitude. Getting a little joke book now.

[Jovan Afzali]

Oh, come on.

[Harlan Williams]

A big one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You had a little one last time

[Harlan Williams]

you were on, right?

[Jovan Afzali]

Young man. Doing my best. Give me a big.

[Harlan Williams]

How old are you?

[Jovan Afzali]

23.

[Harlan Williams]

All right.

[Ian Simon]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

Come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

23.

[Harlan Williams]

How long? What's the longest set you've ever done?

[Jovan Afzali]

I did 20 minutes on my local funny bone once upon a time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow. 20 minutes and he kind of looks like a red band. What are you gonna say?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you do a little set at the secret show.

[Jovan Afzali]

Really?

[Ian Simon]

Oh, thank you.

[Jovan Afzali]

That'd be lovely.

[Seth Burton]

Lovely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is it Jovan? Am I saying that right?

[Harlan Williams]

Jovan.

[D Madness]

Jovan.

[Jovan Afzali]

Yeah.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Jovan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jovan.

[Harlan Williams]

Congratulations indeed. You are getting a big joke book.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Congratulations.

[Harlan Williams]

There he goes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jovan Afzali. Very good. Said Jovan. Sign up Again, Jovan Afzali. All right, that was fun. There's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen, and that is with the record holding hall of famer, ladies and gentlemen, the Memphis Strangler. The Vanilla Gorilla. The Diablo Ala. Dairy Queen. This is the Big Red Machine. William Montgomery.

[Seth Burton]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

My favorite Kentucky Derby horse this year was Flying Mohawk. I love that name. And I think my least favorite name at the Derby this year was JonBenet Ramsey's killer. I asked Red Band, if he had a horse, what would he name it? And he said, there goes the neighborhood.

[Harlan Williams]

That's pathetic.

[William Montgomery]

Red Band, you fucking idiot. A morbidly obese murderer on death row is arguing that his obesity will cause him to suffer when he's executed. And that's bad because. Rosie o' Donnell says she has a crush on Lyle Menendez, who along with his brother, has been in prison for the last 30, 35 years for killing his parents. I know this goes without saying, but Lyle, stay away from that crazy. She'll ruin your reputation, Lyle. Okay, Tony, that's my time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Take very good 57 seconds from the master.

[William Montgomery]

So I was three seconds off, Tony. Really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was.

[Harlan Williams]

It was close. God, 57 seconds. How does that make you feel knowing?

[William Montgomery]

It sucks, man. I was thinking that was for sure a minute. I was picturing more laughter for some of the jokes, but I was thinking it was going to be right in a minute. But I was three seconds short.

[Harlan Williams]

You did really good. Speaking of short, what are these camo shorts you're rocking tonight, William?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We've never seen?

[William Montgomery]

Tony. I was on Facebook. I scrolled through, I had to follow these different Facebook pages. And I was scrolling through it and I saw these shorts. And I'm like, I got to get these shorts. And I got the shorts. I got. I'm doing the shorts. I'm still doing the row machine. I'm at 50,000 meters this month, Tony. I'm at 750,000 meters since January 1st. I'm planning on hitting a million in June. I'm sponsoring. Tony. You're gonna be proud of me. I'm sponsoring St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital.

[Harlan Williams]

Whoa. For what?

[William Montgomery]

Each dollar I raise, I have all these different donors. And each meter I go, they're giving me a dollar.

[Harlan Williams]

You have different donors?

[William Montgomery]

I have a couple different donors who are willing to do this. Big people who are down with helping children. Sick kids. Why are you laughing at that, you weirdo? You're about to be hooked up onto the same machines, dumbass. When you're dying in the hospital, and I wish I was wrong. I'm trying to get you on the row machine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dude, your shorts look like they were in Cam Patterson's bedroom.

[D Madness]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red band.

[Harlan Williams]

Recycling jokes from 45 minutes ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nailing it. Absolutely.

[William Montgomery]

How do you do that?

[Phil Smith]

How do you remember that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Harlan says them to somebody else and

[Harlan Williams]

then he does them. It's incredible. He's like. He's got. He's a master of the craft.

[William Montgomery]

It was really funny when the girl was talking about all the death in her life with the car crashes. He was doing good at that. Red band. You were pretty funny at that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, he's doing good.

[Lucas Hinderliter]

Thank you, William.

[D Madness]

I love that there's leaves all over your shirt, your shorts there. If you ever need to wipe your ass, you can just sit down.

[William Montgomery]

I know, I know, I know, I know, I know.

[Harlan Williams]

The shorts. What made you. You fall in love with those camo shorts? Are you hunting on your knees?

[William Montgomery]

Oh, no, I'm just. I don't know.

[D Madness]

Season. Let's go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

David Lucas merch.

[Harlan Williams]

You doing a little. Doing a little duck hunt?

[William Montgomery]

No, I went duck hunting once. Tony was the saddest thing.

[Harlan Williams]

Tell us about it. We need to know.

[William Montgomery]

Oh, my God. I was with my buddy Ben Jordan, and I remember we were hitting Whippets on the way to his property in Tennessee, and Jordan was hitting him while we were driving, which was scary. And then we ended up shooting. Shotgun shooting skeet. And I think that's why I have tinnitus right now, because we didn't have earplugs or anything. We ended up. He shot a couple of ducks, and I just remember thinking it'd be like, two buddies up there flying, and then one of them just disappears. So I can. I'm never going to participate again. I'll eat them, but I don't want to participate.

[Harlan Williams]

How often do you eat duck?

[William Montgomery]

Oh, my gosh, Tony. Probably once a week, if.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

What are some of your favorite duck dishes?

[William Montgomery]

Making me. Kong duck. Peking duck.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay. Peking duck. Sounds like you're going off on a little thing here.

[William Montgomery]

Ho Chi Minh duck.

[Harlan Williams]

Ho Chi Minh duck. Yeah, keep going.

[William Montgomery]

Vietnamese duck.

[D Madness]

Oh, Donald, Donald.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay.

[William Montgomery]

You ever have Korea City duck? Wait, Korea city's not a place. And that was sad. I'm sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love the lighting. Guy tried to jump in on that one. Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

Trying to help me. Thank you. Dumbass. You kind of made it worse. You kind of made it worse.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Harlan Williams]

How about goose? Have you ever eaten goose? Yeah, Tony, I never eat goose.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, but seriously.

[William Montgomery]

No, I Don't like goose.

[Harlan Williams]

You don't like goose? Have you tried it?

[William Montgomery]

Yes.

[Harlan Williams]

What kind of goose did you have?

[William Montgomery]

Oh, my gosh. It was a yellow goose.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

It was chocolate. Oh, chocolate, chocolate, yellow goose.

[D Madness]

Did you ever have blue heron?

[William Montgomery]

Blue heron? Yes. I love it.

[D Madness]

Wow. Yeah. Flamingo.

[William Montgomery]

Flamingo? Never. No. Is it a restaurant?

[D Madness]

The other gay meat.

[William Montgomery]

The other.

[D Madness]

I mean, come on. Flamingos. They're pink. What do they even sound like? Quack, quack.

[Harlan Williams]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red bands. Been waiting a long time for a gay flamingo. Wow.

[Harlan Williams]

Absolutely incredible.

[William Montgomery]

Weirdly enough, that's what his mom was doing. Oh, my dick last.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, serious?

[William Montgomery]

He was like a gagging kind of that weird bird kind of. So weird.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, she did do that, didn't she?

[William Montgomery]

I'm sorry, Red Van. I've been trying to be nicer, but when you kind of went after the sick kids, it was kind of fucked up.

[Harlan Williams]

Seriously, you're very excited about this partnership with St. Jude. What are some of the ailments that these kids have?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, we talk in lymphoma. We are talking brain cancers. We're talking bone cancers. We're talking different kinds of blood care. What's the real popular blood cancer?

[Harlan Williams]

Lymphoma?

[William Montgomery]

No, but there's another one. Oh, what else is it? Leukemia? Leukemia, Yeah, a lot of leukemia.

[Harlan Williams]

How about. Are there any more cancers that you could rattle off?

[William Montgomery]

Maybe a little skin cancer? No, I have skin cancer right now, so I shouldn't say that.

[Harlan Williams]

What kind of skin cancer do you have?

[William Montgomery]

On my left arm? Skin cancer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're trying to get the part party started here. We're trying to get a little momentum.

[William Montgomery]

I know you messed up with the duck thing. I was trying to think of different Asian cities, Tony, but I didn't work.

[D Madness]

What do you got, like melanoma on your arm? My guy?

[William Montgomery]

Well, I don't know yet. It's just an itchy pimple. And that's how the other one started.

[D Madness]

Really?

[Ian Simon]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

Did you get a biopsied?

[William Montgomery]

Not yet. I'm scheduled to go in June.

[D Madness]

Really? Can I come?

[Lucas Hinderliter]

If you want.

[D Madness]

I'd love to see.

[William Montgomery]

You'd be nice to me in there. I need some support in there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I get scared.

[D Madness]

I'd love to go with you to your biopsy, my guy.

[Seth Burton]

Okay.

[D Madness]

Oh, what a treat.

[William Montgomery]

Well, thank you. Seriously, thank you.

[D Madness]

You're very welcome. Because I'm not going to be there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red Band laughed pretty hard at that.

[Harlan Williams]

I don't know if you caught that one.

[William Montgomery]

I thought I heard him. I thought I heard him.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

No, I'll be there, guy. I'll be there.

[Red Band]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[D Madness]

I'll go with you. My guy.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. Yeah. Incredible. We'll do whatever we have to do. If that itchy pimple turns out to be skin cancer, I'll buy you a new pair of shoes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Okay.

[Seth Burton]

Okay.

[William Montgomery]

Okay.

[Harlan Williams]

My favorite pair of Nikes.

[William Montgomery]

Well, thank you.

[Harlan Williams]

Absolutely. Now, let me ask you this. Let's say you do end up getting diagnosed with skin cancer. And they say, look, we could treat you, but the only place we could treat you is St. Jude's Children's Hospital. And unfortunately, all the beds are filled right now. And it turns out that your plan of rowing for the children backfired because you raised so much money for the kids rowing that there's no longer a bed available for you. What would you say to the kids out there that have cancer at St.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jude's

[William Montgomery]

I have made you $3 million since January. I get it, you have leukemia or something, but you're gonna have to get out of the fucking bed. My uncle lives in Memphis. I have a dear uncle who lives in Memphis. He can live in his pool house. Live in the pool house, because I get this bed. I'm gonna be the first adult ever to be receiving the services at St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital. I will be the first. So you have to leave, little man, and go to my fucking uncle's pool house.

[Harlan Williams]

And what if he says, please, sir, please, please stop saying that. I really need this bed. Keep him down. What if he says, please stop.

[William Montgomery]

I'm gonna fucking get my knife out of my pocket and run it along his foot and say, I don't think you want this thing in your fucking foot, dude. Dude, get out of your bed, get into the wheelchair, get into my aunt's car and go to my uncle's pool house. Cause that's where you're gonna die, dumbass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely perfect way to end tonight's episode. This has been, believe it or not, the number one live comedy show in the world. Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, how about one more time for the silver Goat? Harland Williams, ladies and gentlemen.

[Harlan Williams]

Check out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Of course, you probably already are, but make sure you check out the Harland highway, the funniest podcast out there. Without a doubt, guest of the year, Harland Williams. Reigning, defending, shout out to Jay Styles and Sean Greenberg for joining the band tonight. One more time for D Madness. Michael Gonzalez. Fernando Castillo. Raul Valeo. Carlos Sosa. The drawing from Ryan J. E Belt is in. It is of Harlan Williams and it is incredible.

[Harlan Williams]

Check that out.

[D Madness]

That art looks a lot like evil Knievel to me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is. That's evil Knievel. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew up tonight. Oh, a little Casey Rocket. It's been a while since we've seen the sweet Crab man.

[Harlan Williams]

Casey Rocket out there touring all around the world.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Business is booming. Red band. Check out the Sunset Strip atx.com every Thursday secret show. Love you guys. Absolutely. We will see you guys soon. Madison Square Garden. Still a few tickets remaining and I'm doing stand up the night before. Me and some of your favorite characters on the show doing stand up comedy at Madison Square Garden. I don't know if you guys know this, but last time I was there I got into a little bit of Trub Trube. So it'll be fun to be back at my favorite arena in the world. The most famous arena in the world. Tickets are on sale now.

[Harlan Williams]

Tonyhinchcliff.com and yeah, that's about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Live audience. Thank you guys. We love you. We'll see you guys soon. Thank you. Good night, everybody.

[Nicholas Hartley]

It.

[Harlan Williams]

The Sunset Strip comedy club in Austin,

[Liv Taylor]

Texas is now over.

[Harlan Williams]

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

[Liv Taylor]

Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.