KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Summary

Podcast Summary: KILL TONY - Episode #719 featuring Harland Williams

Episode Overview In episode #719 of "Kill Tony," hosted by Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban, the duo welcomes the renowned comedian and actor Harland Williams for a special one-guest night. Recorded live in Austin, Texas, the episode showcases a blend of stand-up performances, engaging interviews, and spontaneous interactions that epitomize the show's dynamic and unpredictable nature.

Introduction of Harland Williams

• Timestamp: [06:18] Tony Hinchcliffe introduces Harland Williams as the reigning and defending guest of the year for 2024, generating substantial excitement among the live audience.

  Tony Hinchcliffe: "Ladies and gentlemen, tonight is a one guest night. This one guest happens to be the reigning, defending undisputed guest of the year of 2024. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the long awaited return of Harland Williams."

Stand-Up Performance and Interaction

• Timestamp: [08:19] - [09:45] Harland Williams delivers his stand-up routine, sharing humorous anecdotes about personal experiences and observations. His performance is met with enthusiastic applause, highlighting his comedic prowess.

  Harland Williams: "Some people got a face for radio. I got more of a face for... [continues with humorous story]."

Uncle Laser's Segment

• Timestamp: [10:07] - [14:29] The show introduces Uncle Laser, a recurring character known for his offbeat humor. Uncle Laser shares a darkly comedic story that intertwines personal history with absurd humor, eliciting both laughter and bewilderment from the audience.

  Uncle Laser: "He said, I'll give you 4,000 dollars. And I said, you know what, dude? Buick's not that bad of a car. My name's Uncle Laser."

Seth Burton's Appearance

• Timestamp: [15:46] - [21:20] Seth Burton, a new comedian, takes the spotlight with his unique storytelling style. He discusses his experiences with anxiety during flights, his aspirations in comedy, and personal struggles, providing a heartfelt and humorous perspective.

  Seth Burton: "Whenever I'm on a flight, I'm just picturing I'm going to die. Anything that happens, I'm just ready to die."

Lucas Hinderlighter's Performance

• Timestamp: [36:54] - [49:37] Lucas Hinderlighter, another guest comedian, performs his set, touching on topics such as relationships, cultural identity, and personal anecdotes. His interaction with the hosts adds a layer of spontaneity and humor to the episode.

  Lucas Hinderlighter: "Most recently, I was in a relationship with a non-binary person. It was cool... [continues with humorous observations]."

Phil Smith's Stand-Up

• Timestamp: [52:47] - [53:51] Phil Smith delivers a brisk 60-second stand-up set filled with rapid-fire jokes covering topics like relationships, personal mishaps, and societal observations.

  Phil Smith: "My girlfriend's dad's dead. Fine, don't clap... I had sex with a blow-up doll on an air mattress. I've never been more out of breath."

Liv Taylor's Segment

• Timestamp: [77:39] - [84:45] Liv Taylor, engaging in a candid and humorous discussion, shares her personal experiences, including the loss of her husband, navigating relationships post-tragedy, and her foray into stand-up comedy. Her storytelling blends dark humor with poignant reflections.

  Liv Taylor: "My husband died the day after I saw your stand-up and met you with my husband... She was a freak... I made that bitch come."

Alex Tarshon's Extended Interview

• Timestamp: [87:56] - [104:27] Alex Tarshon returns for an extended interview, delving into his unconventional experiences, including prank calls to suicide hotlines and mishaps while attempting to mule drugs. His anecdotes are interspersed with interactions featuring "Uncle Laser," adding layers of humor and absurdity to the narrative.

  Alex Tarshon: "I told him a joke about Prophet Muhammad while he was pointing a gun at me... I won $20,000 playing poker against Doug Polk."

William Montgomery's Performance

• Timestamp: [145:15] - [153:58] William Montgomery, dubbed the "Memphis Strangler" and "Vanilla Gorilla," shares his stand-up routine touching on topics like sports, personal tragedies, and humorous takes on serious subjects. His performance is marked by a blend of dark humor and self-deprecation.

  William Montgomery: "One time I had sex with a blow-up doll on an air mattress. I've never been more out of breath."

Closing Remarks and Final Interactions

• Timestamp: [155:31] - [159:04] The hosts wrap up the episode with acknowledgments, shout-outs to band members, and humorous exchanges, maintaining the show's signature edgy and irreverent tone.

  Tony Hinchcliffe: "We love you, Joe. Biggest pimp in the world, guys."

Notable Quotes

1. Harland Williams at [06:28]:

   "There's something about Mary. Employee of the month."

2. Seth Burton at [16:21]:

   "This is a common... "—referring humorously to his nickname "Shrek" and childhood experiences.

3. Liv Taylor at [85:26]:

   "I have a pair of those."

4. Alex Tarshon at [103:48]:

   "I told him a joke about Prophet Muhammad while he was pointing a gun at me."

Conclusion Episode #719 of "Kill Tony" featuring Harland Williams offers a rich tapestry of stand-up performances, personal stories, and comedic interactions that cater to a diverse audience. The episode balances humor with raw, unfiltered conversations, staying true to the show's reputation for pushing boundaries and delivering unique comedic experiences.

Listeners interested in more episodes of "Kill Tony" can find them on Death Squad TV, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and other major podcast platforms.

Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony, Henchcliffe. You can also check out Shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever, Shopsquad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Rick coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Time. Get up on toter heads clap. Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? Yeah. God damn it, that felt good. How about a hand for Red Band, everybody? Hola. And how about one more time for the best damn band in the land? That is Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo and Big Mike. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. I gotta say he's bigger than ever. He looks huge today. That is Shane Greenberg on the guitar, everybody. Am I saying that right, Shane? Sean. All right, S H A A N on my fucking sheet. I had a 50, 50 shot at it. Either could be Sean or Shane. This is what happens. That's the cameraman Yoni over there giving me S H A A N. Take a good fucking guess. Flip a coin. Never seen Sean spelled that way. But you gotta take a chance every. That's Shane Greenberg one more time. He's a Jew. I do believe Greenberg. Jay Styles joining us on the keys, everybody. John Dees and Matt Muehling are out touring arenas with some big musician or some shit. I don't know what they're doing, but I like these guys. I like Jay Stiles and Shawn Greenberg and believe it or not, this is D madness here on the bass guitar everybody. Very exciting stuff. I am excited about this episode. It's gonna be a doozy. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it. All right, let's talk about how Amazon prime makes everything better. You know the moment you're binge watching different things and you realize that prime has more to offer than expected. Amazon prime isn't just fast delivery though. Let's be honest, getting snacks or a last minute prop delivered the same day is a lifesaver. It's also Amazon music to vibe to and all the things that make life more interesting. Red Band. Whether streaming a stand up special, building the perfect playlist for the next show, or getting new gear delivered fast, prime helps make it all happen and maybe even delivers a few laughs along the way. So whether comedy, drama, or just the perfect new joke book is the vibe, remember, prime is there for it. I do it all on Prime. Whatever you're into, it's on Prime. From streaming to shopping, it's on Prime. Visit Amazon.comprime to get more out of whatever you're into. Amazon.comprime this episode is brought to you by State Farm. Knowing you could be saving money for the things you really want is a great feeling. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with a personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state. This Memorial Day, turn up the heat with the Home Depot. Find the perfect grill and patio set to keep the cookouts coming all season long.

[Brian Redban]

Grill up a feast with the next grill 4 burner gas grill only $229.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And complete your space with the stylish Glen Ridge Falls 7 piece dining set now on special buy for just $499 with free delivery. Take your Memorial Day cookout to the next level all summer long with the Home Depot. See homedepot.com delivery for more details. Sam Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show, huh? You know, every single week. I know I always hype up every single week because I book it so that it's entertaining for me. Well, this is one of those weeks where without a doubt, it's entertaining for me and for the people. Because ladies and gentlemen, tonight is a one guest night. And that one guest happens to be the reigning, defending undisputed guest of the year of 2024. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the long awaited return of Harlan Williams. Make some fucking noise for Harlan Williams, people. Come on in, Harl.

[Brian Redban]

Boom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Harland Williams of the Harland Highway. So many great things. One of the best comedians in the world. One of my favorite comedic actors.

[Brian Redban]

Thanks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dumb and Dumber.

[Brian Redban]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's something about Mary. Employee of the month.

[Brian Redban]

Thank you. Is there something wrong with your neck, by the way?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I get a little excited.

[Brian Redban]

A new movie, the Tourette's movie. What the hell is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How we feeling tonight, good buddy?

[Brian Redban]

I brought a little thingamajig, if I could.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What happened?

[Brian Redban]

Well, nothing happened to me. Gang. Comedy gang. But you know, in all these award shows, they have like a silver buzzer, a golden buzzer, and every now and then we get Comics. You know, everyone tries real, real hard, like. And every now and then we get one that needs a little help, a little extra help. So tonight I'll be giving away the silver crotch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. This is very exciting.

[Brian Redban]

Some lucky comedian. In fact, the worst. I mean, the luckiest comedian, the one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That needs it the most, get a little.

[Brian Redban]

Little extra kick with the silver crotch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The silver crutch. We've found the sound effect of the silver crutch. It is that red band has selected. He never knows what sound's gonna play on his soundboard.

[Brian Redban]

I was thinking it'd be more like someone tripping downstairs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, let's do something like that.

[Brian Redban]

Not at the Addams Family House.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay?

[Brian Redban]

All right. Barney Rubble tripping downstairs. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, how about that?

[Brian Redban]

I don't use a vibrator, but thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Harland the Reign, defending guest of the year, here to perhaps be the first ever two time guest of the year.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, come on. Anything can happen now, Sally Strothers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anything can happen. Anything can happen.

[Brian Redban]

Don't stutter me up, Sal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what I do. Everyone knows that I am the Sally Strothers of this show. And so you know how it works, Harland. Over 200 people signed up for this show. They are all in the bar, next store. 200 over 200. Oh, dude, we're going to let this. This dying little boy here, very sick with something. I'm not sure what it is. He takes the name, he hands it off. It is legible. And you know how it works. When it's their time, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview and me and Harlan find out what the fuck is what. Stars are made and idiots are found here out of this magical bucket. For this is the number one live podcast in the world, and you are the returning guest of the year. Let's start it off with a bang. Your first set tonight is going to an old friend of the show, a very, very controversial character. Some people love them. Some people don't love them at all. Ladies and gentlemen, we've been watching them grow over the past couple years. This is a brand new minute from the one and only Uncle Laser.

[Uncle Laser]

Some people got a face for radio. I got more of a face for cuckolding the bar the other night. Older gentleman comes to me, goes, man, we love you on that Kill Tony show. We love you a lot. He said, me and my wife are here. We're new in our vows for 30 years. We met in this bar. He goes, man, it's on my bucket list if you'll have sex with my wife while I watch. I said, man, you didn't want to go skydiving? You want me to fuck your wife? He said, man, I'll be willing to give you a thousand shekels for your time. Well, let's take a look at her at least. So he. That's never good, you know. His vending machine comes up out of the bathroom. From a distance, her skin was leathery. Up close, her skin was leathery. She looked like an old fucking Buick seat. I said, hey, man, I'm gonna have to. I'm gonna have to pass. He said, man, I fucking need this. I said, I fucking don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know?

[Uncle Laser]

He said, I'll give you 4,000 fucking dollars. And I said, you know what, dude? Buick's not that bad of a car. My name's Uncle Lazer.

[Brian Redban]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Uncle Lazer, have you told that story before on this show?

[Uncle Laser]

I've done that punchline on the back end, but never the story of it.

[Brian Redban]

It.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Uncle Laser]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Harland, can you do that?

[Brian Redban]

Can you, like, do a joke and then just plug in the same punch line from another gag?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't really know. We kind of make the rules as we go along here. Laser's a special guy.

[Brian Redban]

I want to ask you, bro, are you taking a night class in Cunningus? Because your tongue was going, like, all over the place. You were, like, licking the air.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are very lizardy. Is that a side effect? Are you on something?

[Brian Redban]

You need a snow cone or something? Like, what's had too many of those?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I noticed it took. I. I measured it seven seconds before you said anything. You really made a point to make sure the mic stand was where you needed looking at everybody.

[Brian Redban]

What is he doing? He's trying to.

[Uncle Laser]

I mean, he's. Cinco de Mayo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your tongue goes a little wild on Cinco de Mayo.

[Uncle Laser]

They've been snorting tahim since I got up this morning.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, look at that red band celebrating Cinco de Mayo. He loves mayonnaise so much. He loves Mayo pickles and pickles.

[Brian Redban]

He thinks celebrating liquor de craco.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the ass. I love it, Laser. So what's been going on, dude?

[Uncle Laser]

Just hanging out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did that really happen? Did you. A woman in front of the husband.

[Uncle Laser]

And honestly, it may. It reminded me when I first lost my Virginity. It was a cuckolding situation as well.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you need another guy in the room to get hard?

[Uncle Laser]

I need a. He was black.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh.

[Uncle Laser]

It was a black guy and a Mexican chick. I stole my mama's Jeep Dran Cherokee, and we went to the Laka Colonia, which means El colony in Spanish. And we snuck into her window. And he let me go first. Cause he was a gentleman. But I was 12, so I don't really know what I was doing, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And.

[Uncle Laser]

And then I feel a tap on my shoulder. This big, beautiful black man with his hard dick. It's a stereotype. Their dicks are huge.

[Brian Redban]

And.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, what is going on, dude? Holy. Are you talking.

[Brian Redban]

I love it when a comedy routine transitions so seamlessly into a court case.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You know what I mean? Exactly. You were 12, and there's a giant, hard black dick in front of you. All of a sudden, you need to.

[Brian Redban]

Put yourself behind bars, bro.

[Uncle Laser]

Yeah, I was just happy to be there, you know? Like, he tapped my own shoulder, goes, let me show you how it's done. And then he picked this Mexican woman up, and he, like, put her up against the wall of the trailer house. Well, they wound up falling through the wall into his theater's room. And she starts freaking out. I go, man, they're calling the cops. You know, so we. We drove back home. My mom's Jeep, I wrecked it halfway there, and then cops got him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, this is enough. Jesus Christ.

[Brian Redban]

The longest sex story ever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, if you're gonna make up, at least pepper it up with some punchlines. Laser, this is criminal.

[Uncle Laser]

I'm just talking about my life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Well, all right. What are you on tonight? I'm not on anything.

[Uncle Laser]

I mean, we had a little Mexican food and stuff, and I drank a couple margaritas. That's about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Okay. Adderall.

[Heidi]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's the. I'm not gonna lie to you. There's been a lot of Adderall today. There's the. It's Monday. You know, who hates Mondays? You know, Gotta celebrate, dude, I would love it.

[Brian Redban]

I would pay $3,000 if a dragonfly flew right by you right now. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

You'd eat it. You'd eat it.

[Uncle Laser]

I love it, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uncle Laser, we're gonna get you out of here. We're gonna get to the bucket. Way to get it started. Uncle Laser. Uncle Laser might be need two of these.

[Brian Redban]

He might need a. Oh, oh, here we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My God. There she is, ladies and gentlemen. It is indeed the lovely Heidi, everybody. Wow.

[Brian Redban]

Thank You.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable. Wow. There's a desperate, horny man in the middle of the room yelling things at Heidi. Okay, to the bucket we go. This is where we meet people. Chaos happens, and we find out more about them. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to your first bucket. Pool goes by the name of Seth Burton. Everyone. Seth Burton.

[Seth Burton]

All right, how are we doing, everybody? Yeah, you know, it's. I'm pretty tall. I come up here. I'm six five, you know, £200. You see any ladies out there? But anyway, so I hit about six five, 200 pounds. I was 12 years old. And, you know, no one really tells you, like, that's. You deal with a lot of stuff. Like, I was, like. My nickname's, like, Saggy because I had sagging nipples, you know, like, okay, you can laugh. It's fine. Anything. Also, it's like, they call me Shrek. My football team, you know, and, like, no one tells you, like, as soon as you. As soon As I hit 12 years old, you know, no one wanted to molest me anymore, man, it was over, you know? God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Seth Burton]

This is a common. Oh, God. But. Oh, man. You know, But I'm from Texas. Get up for Texas, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah. All right.

[Seth Burton]

Let's chill out. Okay. Yeah. Like, growing up in Texas, high school's a lot different out here. Like, we bring anything but a car to school day, so they're showing up in horses and tractors and, you know, in career days, they're showing up in white hoods and crosses, you know. It's pretty crazy. I love it, man. Oh, I mean, no. Oh, shoot. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you want to finish? Was there something big that you're getting to there? I mean, Harlan's saying. No, no, go ahead, finish it.

[Seth Burton]

Oh, say, like, you know, when I was 15, we had, like, gun safety classes because they wanted to get to those school shooters early, you know? But I wish they got me, though. I mean.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. All right, Seth Burton, let's talk it out here for a second.

[Brian Redban]

You know what I find amazing? I think he might be the main plot from Uncle Laser's last story.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Strangely enough, we have heard of 212. 100% of the comedians tonight have talked about their sex life at the age of 12.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. And in particular, getting molested. Where did the molestation happen, my guy?

[Seth Burton]

I mean, you know, like, dogs and stuff, you know.

[Brian Redban]

A dog molested you?

[Seth Burton]

Yeah, man. I stole. I stole a shoe from a dog. It mounted me, man. And it just, like, just totally, like, kept it tight. So it Penetrated me, man.

[Brian Redban]

Well, you're right, man. You shouldn't be stealing a dog's shoes.

[Seth Burton]

I mean, hey, like, I saw, like, there was another girl, like, who. She was like, I was gonna save her shoe. You know, like, we were 12 years old. I was like, oh, this is it. And she. I could. You know, there's no Riz to get. Like, if she watches me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus. Seth, shut the up. Holy. All right, let's talk about it. Put the crutch down for a second. Oh, my.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. This guy. Whole fucking wheelchair. Forget about the crotch, Lord.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so, Zeth, how long have you been doing stand up?

[Seth Burton]

Let's see. Close to two years now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Two years? Where at?

[Seth Burton]

Mostly now in Los Angeles, but I started here in Dallas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You started here in Dallas and now you live in Los Angeles?

[Seth Burton]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What brought you here?

[Seth Burton]

Well, it's my mom's birthday this week, so I came for that. And I was like, you know what? Let's drive three hours to. You know, let's do this. Right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Okay.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is this your first time signing up for the show?

[Seth Burton]

It is not. It's my third time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. This is your first time on the show?

[Seth Burton]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Are you any relation to Jack Nicholson?

[Seth Burton]

I wish. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have a crazy face. Yeah. There it is. Wow. There it is. Look at that. Wow. I nailed it.

[Brian Redban]

Man.

[Seth Burton]

Someone said I look like Quentin Tarantino, but now. Thank you. Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, now, so, Seth, how old are you?

[Seth Burton]

I'm 25.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

25. And what do you do for work?

[Seth Burton]

Oh, I'm. I work at. I give tours at a movie studio.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Seth Burton]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And how long have you been doing that for?

[Seth Burton]

About two years. I got the job immediately as I moved out there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Brian Redban]

Can you imagine this guy being your tour guide at the end? You better give me a fucking tip. I'm gonna follow you home, Wendy.

[Seth Burton]

Oh, yeah. All work and no play makes Jack a goal boy. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Okay. Don't make me fall in love with you, guy. Can you do me a favor and lick the air for a second? Yeah, he's definitely part of Laser Story.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We found Uncle's nephew.

[Seth Burton]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Zath, you're out there, you're giving tours, you're in la, and you came here to celebrate your mom's birthday. Was it. Did it already happen?

[Seth Burton]

It did already happen. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did you guys do to celebrate Mom's birthday?

[Seth Burton]

She bought me some boots. And. And she also took me to a Rangers game. Yeah. And then. Yeah, yeah, they suck. But I also. I mean, I paid 200 bucks to get over Here. So I was kind of like the, the big gift for her because I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

200 bucks is a. You got your round trip flight for 200 bucks?

[Seth Burton]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where did you book? Who did. What is this?

[Seth Burton]

American.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

American.

[Brian Redban]

Oh yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

200 round trip from LA to Austin. Incredible. Look at that.

[Brian Redban]

Oh yeah.

[Seth Burton]

It's probably the worst flight I've ever experienced.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why?

[Brian Redban]

Oh no.

[Seth Burton]

Well, you see like whenever there's turbulence, sometimes people don't really understand what that means.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does it mean to you, Z?

[Seth Burton]

Well, cuz whenever I'm on a flight I'm just picture I'm going to die. When I'm on the flight. Just in my head I, I kind of like view like the, the. If the plane's going to crash, I don't know it's going to crash. So I just assume that's going to happen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Seth Burton]

So anything that happens I'm just. Right. I'm ready to die. Like you know, I don't, like I don't have.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Keep going. Yeah, I have, I have a lot.

[Seth Burton]

Of regrets but I mean just you're. When you die, you die. You don't really know who's going to tell you when it's going to happen, so you're just going to. It's going to happen when it's happened.

[Brian Redban]

So if you ever died.

[Seth Burton]

I mean there was one time I thought I was going to die.

[Brian Redban]

But you haven't died.

[Seth Burton]

No, I haven't died.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not yet.

[Brian Redban]

Shut the fuck up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, exactly. All these fears for absolutely nothing.

[Brian Redban]

Tell us something you know about Guy.

[Seth Burton]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you really come close to dying at any point? Turbulence has zero, zero negative effects on a flight. It's a natural thing and doesn't. It doesn't mean anything.

[Seth Burton]

It doesn't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your risk of dying is the exact same as when the flight is completely smooth. I know this because as some of you know, I am a professional pilot.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm also a Canadian doctor. Very good. Perfect timing on that.

[Brian Redban]

It's actually a good thing, right? Like when you, when you feel the plane go up like that, that means that you've got lift, there's rust under the wings. That's the first law of aerodynamics. Dairy queen lick hair.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it is true. It is absolutely true. What are you into? You can't possibly want to be a tour guide for your entire life. So what, what, what are your main goals here?

[Seth Burton]

Well, my goal is to be comedian, believe it or not. But, but you know, I've, I used to be really fat like I said. So I also want to Own my own gym someday. Do that. And outside of that, I'm really. I ain't got no ambitions.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have a chance, I think, at owning your own gym someday. I would. I would pull all efforts into that.

[Brian Redban]

How fat were you, my guy? Like how.

[Seth Burton]

£300.

[Brian Redban]

Three Hyundai. Yeah, three Hyundai. What was the fattest part? The arse, the legs, the chest? Did you have a gut? Like, talk to me, describe it. Not for me, for that guy there.

[Seth Burton]

Yeah, probably like the whole belt right here. Like, you have those stretch marks over my stomach. Like, I still got. I still got, like, the stretchy skin right here. I got my whole arms.

[Brian Redban]

I loved. I love stretchy skin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, let's see that. Oh, I do say. Oh. Oh, my God. Absolutely.

[Brian Redban]

The belly meat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love stretchy.

[Brian Redban]

Come on.

[Seth Burton]

It's not as stretchy, man. It's not. Yeah, that's why I show my arms.

[Brian Redban]

That wasn't bad at all. No, that was probably what you felt on the airplane, your own stomach slapping you in the face.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah. It was blurbulence. That's what you did.

[Brian Redban]

You just come up with, Invent a new word? Yeah, blurbulence.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Blurbulence.

[Brian Redban]

You use it in a sentence.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The fat man on my plane was affected by massive amounts of blurbulence.

[Brian Redban]

That is correct. That is correct.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Zeth. Have you ever met anybody else named Zeth with a Z? You have?

[Seth Burton]

Yeah, my high school.

[Brian Redban]

My.

[Seth Burton]

I went to ICE with somebody named Zeth. Yes. And his brother's names are Zach and Zane. My brother's names are Zach and Zane? Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. A bunch of Children of the Corn over here. Harlem. Very scary names.

[Brian Redban]

Children of the Popcorn, apparently.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

How scared of you on a scale of 1 to 10, were you scared of that turbulence on the plane? Be honest. Don't be afraid to look like a. You know, a scaredy guy. Like, on a scale of 1 to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

10, don't be afraid to look like a big, tall pussy.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Seth Burton]

I mean, every time. I just about feel like I was gonna shit my pants on that plane.

[Brian Redban]

So a 10?

[Seth Burton]

Yeah, I'd probably say a 10. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Can I do something for you?

[Seth Burton]

What's that?

[Brian Redban]

Does that turn you on?

[Seth Burton]

Yeah. Yeah, I'm. I'm bricked up right now, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. What are you into, Seth? Do you have a girlfriend? You're 6 5, according to you.

[Seth Burton]

I don't. Hey, according to my doctors, too. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? Yoni, let's get a tape measure out here. I'm. I'm seeing six four all day. Is anybody else thinking six four? This sounds Like a six, four. Guy that's trying to add another inch.

[Brian Redban]

Well, I'm six.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This guy's saying six, three and a half right here. I'm hearing it. We have an. Anybody? How many? Make some noise if you think he's six' five. Literally nobody. Seth, pop off one of your shoes.

[Seth Burton]

Pop up one of my shoes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're doing it shoeless, buddy. Stand on that left foot. There you go.

[Brian Redban]

There we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Face the audience. Yep. I love how Yoni always makes him turn around that way. All right, you're bending it a little bit, Yoni, just to let you know. Okay, that's perfect right there. Yep. Yoni is a Jew, so he knows measurements very well. Six, four. Take it from me, I'm five, ten.

[Brian Redban]

Dude, you really know your guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. That's right. No doubt about it. I know my guys. That's why I know you're six, too. Seth, tell us the craziest thing about your life before I get you out of here.

[Seth Burton]

Well, recently I was in Burbank, and, you know, like, that intense. It's pretty intense over there, I guess, but not really.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But it's pretty. What? Over there? Intense in what way?

[Brian Redban]

You live in a tent?

[Seth Burton]

Yeah, I do, actually. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In what way is it intense?

[Seth Burton]

Well, generally it's not, but, like, I went over there once. I was over there at, like, 11:00pm at night, and.

[Brian Redban]

You sure it wasn't 10:30?

[Seth Burton]

Hey, I mean, I got.

[Brian Redban]

Sir, if you could sit the fuck down. Oh, that's a waitress. Go ahead.

[Seth Burton]

And this guy.

[Brian Redban]

Go ahead, night stalker. Finish.

[Seth Burton]

This guy pulled up in his car and he asked me to come over to it. Like, he said, hey, come over to my car. So I, you know, I came over to his car and he showed me this. Like, this. He showed me on his phone this, like, he said, my girlfriend's been kidnapped. And he's scrolling through, like, the sex trafficking website she was on. And then he showed me, like, a pit bull in his passenger seat. He's telling me that his family's been, like, replaced with clones, and that is, like, his landlords replaced. The Armenian Russian mafia are after him. His hand was bleeding. I was just in. The whole time, I'm trying not to, like, laugh because I feel like if he. If I did, he was going to kill me. But, yeah, it was probably, like, because.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He was, what, 7 foot 3?

[Seth Burton]

Yeah, he was. There's 7 foot 4, actually.

[Brian Redban]

But, yeah, you know, he's one of Uncle Laser's writers, right? Like, this is just a continuation of the last story.

[Seth Burton]

What the fuck is Uncle Lasers do?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Seth I'm gonna tell you what. I was gonna give you a medium sized joke book, but since you lied about your height by an inch, we're gonna go one inch smaller and I'm gonna give you a little joke book.

[Seth Burton]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your first bucket pool of the night is Seth Burton, everybody.

[Seth Burton]

Thank you guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fun stuff. Seth. There he goes. Sign up again some other time maybe perhaps your mother's next birthday. You can come back and sign up. This podcast is sponsored by ExpressVPN. Going online without ExpressVPN is like having sex without a condom. Might feel good, might feel fine, but the repercussions could be huge. Do you really want to raw dog the whole Internet? I don't think so. Every time you connect to an unencrypted network in cafes, hotels or airports, your online data is not secure. Any hacker on the same network can gain access to and steal your personal data. It doesn't take much technical knowledge to hack someone. Just some cheap hardware is needed. A smart 12 year old could do it. Speaking of which, I Love condoms and ExpressVPN. Tony ExpressVPN is so secure it would take a hacker with a supercomputer over a billion years to get past ExpressVPN subscription. Just fire up the app, click one button to get protected. I personally love using using ExpressVPN. When we're on the road, it's important to know our data is safe in all the different cities we travel to. So secure your online data today by visiting expressvpn.com Kill Tony that's E-X P-R-E-S-S-V-P-N.com Kill Tony to find out how you can get up to four extra months for free. ExpressVPN.com Kill Tony hello. This podcast is sponsored by Prize Picks Cash in on the basketball playoffs with Prize Picks. Don't miss your last chance to add your favorite players from the court to your Prize Picks lineups. Whether it's points, rebounds, assists, take your pick of more or less for your shot to win up to 2000 times your cash today. Prize Picks also offers weekly promotions that can lead to big payouts like Taco Tuesday, where each Tuesday Prize Picks discount select player projections up to 25% to provide even more value for your lineups. The basketball playoffs are here and the action is heating up on Prize Picks. The best place to cash in on your favorite sports. A red band. Tony I love Prize Picks almost as much as I love Hoops. Which is why this week on Prize Picks, I'm looking at the basketball board and selecting Donovan Mitchell for more than 26 points and Jason Tatum for more than nine rebounds. That is a tasty lineup. Red band. Download the app today and use Code Tony to get 50 instantly after you play your first five dollar lineup. Once again, download the app today and use Code Tony to get $50 instantly after you play your first five dollar lineup. Prize picks, run your game. All right, we're going to meet another one all together, ladies and gentlemen, could be the next superstar of the show. Who knows? Make some noise for Ian Simon. Here we go. How you guys doing?

[Brian Redban]

Everybody good? Fantastic. Fantastic. It's Gl. Oh, this is amazing. I gotta take a piss so bad. I just figured I'd share it with you guys. Didn't have time. So I was thinking, do you think Muslims ever. Do you think Muslims ever say Allah is the bomb? Let's think about random shit all the damn time. I was thinking, like, the best place to pick up women is probably Planned Parenthood. Because, you know, they, you know, there's a good chance they put out and, you know, if things don't go well. Just a suggestion. Let's see. You know what fucking sucks? I've been wearing hats my whole life, okay? Because I didn't want this cul de sac fucking thing. I don't mind the going bald, but why isn't it just all bald, okay? Why the fuck is it. Just doesn't make any sense. You get the cul de sac and then what is this? Anybody else bald out there? Don't lie to me. There's lights. I can see you. It gleams. Anyway, this thing, this island. Why is there a island?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. I'm gonna stop you right there, Ian. Holy. My God. Hi, Ian. How are you, Tony? Hello.

[Brian Redban]

This is crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, okay. Hi, Ian. Over here, buddy. Over here, Ian.

[Brian Redban]

I had a pair of those.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, boy. Ian. Hi, pal. How are you, buddy?

[Brian Redban]

I'm amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome. How long you been doing stand up, Ian?

[Brian Redban]

In total, probably two years, a year and a half. Two years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, we're at.

[Brian Redban]

Here, here. I moved here, let's see, about four or five years ago to do fucking comedy. And the first time I did it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was out here when you moved here four or five years ago to start doing it. What took you two or three years to start?

[Brian Redban]

So I did it right away when I came out. And I did it and kept doing it and then things in life happen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What in life happened?

[Brian Redban]

My dad died.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How did he die.

[Brian Redban]

Diseases. How many?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, how many diseases?

[Brian Redban]

Several. Oh, they were so. They were the ones that. By the way. You almost made it sound like a fun pack, by the way. Oh no, it sucks, dude. I love my dad. We're really close. He had a great sense of humor and he did. Yeah, he did. I don't know. This is but like, you know, growing up. Abbott and Costello and that type of stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, okay.

[Brian Redban]

And what do you fucking laughing at?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for work? Ian Simon.

[Brian Redban]

What's that, sir?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus Christ.

[Brian Redban]

You know what I thought of when I first looked at him? If I gotta be on. Don't take this the wrong way guy, but when you first walked out, I thought. I've always wondered what it looked like if Shrek was peeled. Fucking wow. Yeah, and that's a compliment, guy. Thank you. Onions have layers and odors have layers. That's right. My guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And Simon, what do you do for work?

[Brian Redban]

That's a good fucking question, Tony. I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So.

[Brian Redban]

I was on disability for 20 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was the disability?

[Brian Redban]

Well, I've had. Okay, we'll get personal here. Fuck it. I've had surgery on both feet. Three knee surgeries, twice on the left. Left rotator.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What happened to 13 hernias?

[Brian Redban]

Dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What happened to your feet and knees? What happened?

[Brian Redban]

Adrenaline junkie. Just through the years of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what were you doing?

[Heidi]

Oh.

[Brian Redban]

I like to go fast. I was a passenger in a lot of them. Mine were mainly with inanimate objects. About 13 don't count anything under 50 miles an hour. It's quite impressive. I'm retarded.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that a jewel underneath your eye? Is that a piercing of some kind?

[Brian Redban]

Piece of jewelry there? It's a dermal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a what?

[Brian Redban]

A dermal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does that mean?

[Brian Redban]

It means that they go into your face with a little screwdriver. That's got a round razor on it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, let me ask you this, Ian Simon. I'm gonna ask you another question so you talking doesn't have to happen. I noticed during your set there was a part. Because I pay a little bit of attention. I noticed the part where you were performing and you kind of went like that a little bit, right?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, maybe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Were you pushing one of your teeth into your gum line at least?

[Brian Redban]

16.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What? That. That's a different answer to a different question. Do you even know what I just asked you?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, something about teeth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. So 16.

[Brian Redban]

What, that was just a random number?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okie dokie. Ian Simon, everybody. There he goes. You shouldn't be out in public anymore, Ian.

[Brian Redban]

I Think we got a winner here. When the silver crutch. My guys take that home.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You won the silver crotch.

[Brian Redban]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You just handed a person a weapon on this stage. Harlan. There he goes.

[Brian Redban]

And this is the guy with all the feet surgery.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes. Simon, everybody. There he goes.

[Brian Redban]

There you go, buddy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes. Bye Bye, Ian. There you go, buddy. You're gonna need it for those feet and legs.

[Brian Redban]

Okay, that was perfect. It was a perfect time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes. Ian Simon, everybody. Austin police officer. I just saw when the curtain opened. Pretty sure he's just gonna get arrested. Now, everybody, this is a real life show. Anything can happen.

[Brian Redban]

I feel sorry for that crutch. I gotta tell you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anything can happen here. Believe it or not, that guy's been doing it for two years. Okay, make some noise for your next comedian, Lucas. Lucas Hinderlighter. Lucas Hinderliter, this is Kill Tony.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, wow.

[Heidi]

Thank you, guys. My name's Lucas. I just moved to Austin recently. I've been dating a little bit since I got out here. Most recently, I was in a relationship with a non binary person. Yeah. Someone who identifies as they them. And it was cool. You know, we had a good relationship. I will say the hardest part about dating a they them is we would get into arguments. And I didn't know if I could hit them, you know? Yeah. Like, tell me which one you are. Are you a boy or a girl? You know, can I hit you or can we have a beer and watch the football game? What do we.

[Brian Redban]

What are we doing?

[Heidi]

Thank you, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A little bit about.

[Heidi]

My name's Lucas Hinderleiter. People often, when they hear my name, they'll say things like, oh, Hinderleiter. That's a pretty German name. That sounds like a Nazi's name.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Heidi]

And that's when I tell them it was actually my grandpa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, I'm gonna. There's the bear. There you go. You got it.

[Heidi]

My bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome to the show. Lucas Hinderlighter. I'm happy to say you are the fourth comedian that went on stage today and the first one to do a joke. Congratulations. It's a shocking episode. If there was a reverse silver crutch to give out, he would get it right now.

[Brian Redban]

Well, I love that they didn't react to the molestation joke, but they really warmed up to the domestic violence.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is a crowd that likes to see someone get what they deserve.

[Brian Redban]

Were you shrimping earlier today? What's going on here?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do have a look. You have a look like you were On a boat with a purpose.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Were you on a boat today?

[Heidi]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is how you dress normally for land?

[Heidi]

No, no, this hat's new. I put this hat on today. I thought this is a good look.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where'd you get the hat from?

[Heidi]

Gas station.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I had a feeling. Yeah, it's got gas station energy. Yeah.

[Heidi]

I thought it was black. Turns out it's green.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yeah, it looks green. How about the shirt? What are you wearing? What are you. What? Who are you wearing?

[Heidi]

This is George from Walmart.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Incredible.

[Brian Redban]

More like buy Curious George from Walmart.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, take a sip for that victorious joke.

[Brian Redban]

Guest of the year.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Lucas Hinder Leiter. So welcome. Is your grandpa really a Nazi?

[Heidi]

No, he fought in Vietnam.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. Perfect for the Americans.

[Heidi]

Yeah. Made all the Jews he killed really confusing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that makes sense. I mean, Vietnamese Jews, both good at hiding, both good at math. They have a lot in common. Okie dokie. Lucas, how long you been doing stand up?

[Heidi]

About nine years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nine years? Where at? Nine. Nine. Nine. There you go. A red band. Where's your sound effect? Red band. You did it, buddy. That's a big one for you. That's a big one for my little boy, isn't it? Where is it at? Where is it at, buddy? You know where your sound effects are red. Bam. With a 999 German reference. Yeah.

[Heidi]

I started in St. Louis.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

St. Louis. How long have you been in Austin?

[Heidi]

Like a year.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What do you love about Austin, Texas?

[Heidi]

I don't really, man. I don't really like this place.

[Uncle Laser]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You miss St. Louis?

[Heidi]

Well, I lived in New York before I moved.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

New York City?

[Heidi]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you prefer New York City?

[Heidi]

I like it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you like about it?

[Brian Redban]

I like the energy, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know.

[Heidi]

I like, you know, you wake up, there's people walking around. Makes you want to get out of bed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where you live out in the country here or something? You don't see people walking around?

[Heidi]

No, I live pretty north though. It's not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You ever thought about moving downtown where people are walking around with energy?

[Brian Redban]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, you should, because we got that too.

[Brian Redban]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't have to step over migrants to do it.

[Heidi]

I like that part.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that's like. You like the mic?

[Heidi]

That's my favorite part.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You would. You're a hinder lighter.

[Heidi]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You believe in superiority?

[Heidi]

Yeah, I step on them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Brian Redban]

How do you say it with like a German accent? Your last name?

[Heidi]

I don't know, dude. I don't. I'm not German.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red band's German. He's hinder lighter. He's hinder heavier. Got you. Where's mine at?

[Brian Redban]

Like, you can't. You don't say around that. Like your grandparents don't say dasa schindule like something like that? No. That sound familiar, guy? Dasa schindulei?

[Heidi]

No, my grandmother was British.

[Brian Redban]

Okay, so that's a hinder lighter.

[Heidi]

Yeah. She said things funny. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Dude, do you know what you are at this point? You're like fucking International House of Pancakes. Like, where? What, what are you, British? German?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're redheaded too. It's interesting. You look Irish. You're wearing green. You got red hair. You're like a little Christmas guy. You're like the world's biggest elf.

[Heidi]

I get Irish a lot. Yeah. I also get people telling me I'm not redheaded. People tell me I'm blonde. I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Brian Redban]

You know your hat's black, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for work, Hinderlighter?

[Heidi]

I sell motorcycles. I'm a motorcycle salesman. I sold your producer a motorcycle.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really, Yoni?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Heidi]

I sold him his motorcycle.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He did. He got a secret motorcycle without telling me. I don't like my people close to me on motorcycles. It's very unsafe. I don't trust the other drivers. So I found out that he got a secret motorcycle one day. That's one of the two things. He lives a secret double life when I'm not around. One thing he does is he has a motorcycle. The other thing is he has wacky Martin Scorsese glasses that he wears. Big producer glasses that he only wears when he thinks that he's not gonna run into me that night. Yeah, Isn't that funny? And every once in a while I'll give him a rare night off and we'll just randomly run into each other. And there he is with these big Robert De Niro in his prime glasses. These obnoxious, magnified, just big square. Oh. And I'm positive he goes from bar to bar going, no. I'm the executive producer of Kill Tony. Oh, you could tell by my blocked up glasses. I should get on my motorcycle now. I purchased from Hinder lighter.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, that's what I want to see. I want to be walking down the sidewalk and see Elton John burning ants.

[Heidi]

When I. When I sold him that bike, he told me not to tell you. He told me not to bring it up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He was very like, really? Yeah, he was.

[Heidi]

Because I told him I was a comic and I signed up and he was like, if you get on, don't bring this up.

[Brian Redban]

What. What kind of bike did you sell him? A Harley, a BMW.

[Heidi]

He's fancy.

[Brian Redban]

He's fucking.

[Heidi]

He went big.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I care about the people close to me. And while Yoni is a very qualified motorcycle rider driver, I. I don't like him being out there. I don't like Jews on BMWs, and I don't like Jews on motorcycles. It's Austin drivers, man. Yes.

[Brian Redban]

What about a Jew on an Indian?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, you know what I call that? What?

[Brian Redban]

Dinner.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that's called the old two for one.

[Brian Redban]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Free red chicken. Put the fucking mic down, Lucas. Hinderlighter. What do you do for fun? What are some hobbies of your. You must have some interest juvenile, some collections or something?

[Brian Redban]

No, I speak quickly, lay in the lighter.

[Heidi]

I mostly just ride motorcycles.

[Brian Redban]

It's like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Heidi]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

You ever hit an animal? Like, you're right. Yeah. What'd you hit?

[Heidi]

I hit a deer like two years ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You hit a deer on a motorcycle?

[Heidi]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

What happened, guy?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's the sound of a deer for this?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Heidi]

I was going like 45. I broke all my ribs on this side.

[Uncle Laser]

Wow.

[Brian Redban]

I don't care about you. What'd you do to the deer?

[Heidi]

Yeah, dude, I split that motherfucker in half. And so my dad had a couple drinks. He rode up next to me. He said, I can't stop. I'm gonna get a dui. And he kept riding, right? So now I'm laying next to this. I'm laying next to the deer. We're both dying.

[Brian Redban]

What?

[Heidi]

And we're just watching each other take our last breaths.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome to another episode of White Trash Bambi. This is incredible.

[Brian Redban]

Dude. Was it at night? Yeah, you dummy. You would have been able to seen the deer. And he would have been able to see you if you're just holding up the vindaliter. I hope I get hit by a moose tonight after that joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So let me ask you something, Lucas. Are you good at what you do? You good at the selling motorcycles? You know what we're going to do here? We're going to have you sell me a motorcycle. Me, a guy who thinks that they are generally unsafe. Meanwhile, I'll fly an airplane with double engine failure because I don't have to worry about other people getting in my way. So now you sell me a motorcycle. Lighting. And action.

[Heidi]

How you doing today, sir?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm good. I really don't want to be here. I'm just killing time while my boyfriend buys a motorcycle.

[Brian Redban]

So.

[Heidi]

Your boyfriend rides?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He rides all right. More of a. More of A nighttime rider after a couple drinks. And then he lays by his deer. That's me. I'm the gay deer.

[Heidi]

Okay, so are you.

[Brian Redban]

Look.

[Heidi]

You're looking to ride with him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, you know, we were thinking about getting me a little side cart, but I kind of think I want to ride solo a little bit. Go out on some joy rides at night, separate from the pack. From the. From the pack of men.

[Heidi]

See? So you're looking to cruise, you're not looking to go fast?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I'm a cruiser.

[Heidi]

Cruiser. Okay. All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What should I get?

[Heidi]

Harley for sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Heidi]

That's what all the gay guys get.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. Yeah, for sure. A little sportster.

[Heidi]

Yeah, little sportster.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Little sportster. What kind should I get?

[Heidi]

You think Tony for you, realistically, I'm talking real Tony Hinchcliffe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Heidi]

I think you need six.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Five. Yeah. Yeah.

[Heidi]

Okay. Yeah, you need a rebel 500. That's what you need. Look it up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Heidi]

Why?

[Brian Redban]

Okay. He's clapping him, right?

[Heidi]

That's what I'm saying.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Why. Why a rebel 500?

[Brian Redban]

I don't know.

[Heidi]

It's kind of a. Just a bland, normal, like, nothing special about it bike.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus Christ. What the.

[Heidi]

It's like, you know, it's every girl's starter bike.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what? I'll take two. One for me and one for the guest of the year, Harland Williams.

[Brian Redban]

Well, if it's a girl's bike, just give me a Rebel Wilson 500. How about that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Lucas Hinderliter. Anything else crazy we should know about you before we go? Switch back to normal lights. The motorcycle part's over. Thank you.

[Heidi]

No, happy to be here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You did good. You did damn good, Lucas. Sign up again. Here's the big joke book. We'd love to have you. Very funny interview. Funny stuff. Lucas Hinderlider has arrived. To the kill Tony universe.

[Brian Redban]

Not bad. Are you really gonna get. Get a bike, bro? No, I used to ride a Honda Shadow around.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's that like?

[Brian Redban]

Oh, it's like a chopper bike. Oh, the shadow rode around Nagasaki and Hiroshima.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh.

[Brian Redban]

There's shadows everywhere.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. I had a. I had a Shadow once, and then I. I hired him as the bass player in the band Steve Madness.

[Brian Redban]

He goes great with Russell Brand, by the way. I gotta tell you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. This podcast is sponsored by tacovas. Anywhere worth going is worth going in good boots. Find your perfect pair with to COVAs. Ever wondered if you can pull off boots with your personal style? You owe it to your feet to put on a pair of Tokovas. Being confident isn't about being different, it's about being yourself. Find comfort in the traditions of the west and confidence from making it your own to Cova's crafts quality western boots for everyone from generational ranchers and lifelong cowboys to people like me that just moved to Texas and are looking to blend in with the pack. First time dude buyers Red Bands Tony My Tokovas are so comfortable. I put these puppies on and walk over to Terry Black, slam some brisket and put my feet on the table like a gross monster to show off my to Covis to all the tourists. They make me feel amazing. That's exactly what I expect you doing for lunch, Red Man. That is an interesting insight into your life and I appreciate it. Right now get 10 [e-mail] kill Tony when you sign up for email and text, that's that's 10% off at T E C O V A S dot com kill Tony to covis.com kill Tony see site for details To Covis Point your toes west and visit their store on Congress if you're ever here in Austin, Texas. To COVIS this podcast is sponsored by ZipRecruiter. You all know what speed dating is, right? Well, if you're the owner of a growing business, what if there was a feature like speed dating, but only for hiring? In other words, you could meet several interested qualified candidates at once, all at a designated time. Well, good news there is. It's zip intro from ZipRecruiter. You can post your job today and start talking to qualified candidates tomorrow. And right now you can try Zip Intro for free at ZipRecruiter.com Keltoni Guess what Tony? I love ZipRecruiter. Zip Intro gives you the power to quickly assess excellent candidates for your job via back to back video calls. You simply pick a time and Zip Intro does all the work of finding and scheduling qualified candidates for you. Delicious. Enjoy the benefits of speed hiring with new Zip Intro only from ZipRecruiter. Rated number one hiring site based on G2. Try Zip Intro for free at ZipRecruiter.com kill Tony again, that's ZipRecruiter.com kill tony zip intro Post jobs today. Talk to qualified candidates tomorrow. All right, we're flying through the bucket tonight, ladies and gentlemen. This is 60 seconds uninterrupted for Phil Smith. Let's go. Let's see. We have jokes back to back here. Phil Smith.

[Heidi]

You guys having fun at Kill Tony so far? Let him hear it. All right, so my girlfriend's dad's dead. Fine, don't clap. No, he died, like, before I met her. And recently she told me, I think my father sent you to me. And I said, babe, I had no idea you were schizophrenic, which I'll admit isn't a great thing to say to your beautiful girlfriend, but do you guys know what the worst thing I could have said is? Yeah, he did. I was wondering what that energy was. It was your dead father sending me to you. I am your gift. And then just, like, proceed to use that in our relationship. Like, hang on. He's coming through. He's saying I'm right and you're wrong. You think your dad would have your back?

[Harlan Williams]

Hold on.

[Heidi]

He's coming through again. I'm getting something. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. Oh, I don't know why your dad's saying this. He's saying we should invite another woman into the bedroom. Thank you, guys. I've been. Phil Smith.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Phil Smith. All right, Phil. Welcome. Keep it. Where you from, Phil?

[Heidi]

Rochester, New York.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, God. Jesus Christ. Upstate New York. The absolute worst. How long have you been out of there?

[Heidi]

Since December.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Congratulations.

[Brian Redban]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's your first time being outside of Rochester.

[Heidi]

First time living outside of Rochester.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible. Congratulations. How old are you?

[Heidi]

I'm 28.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what did you put your finger up there for? For a second. You had, like, a hold on. A second finger that you put up that. I was completely ignored because I'm the host. Go ahead.

[Heidi]

Hold it right there. I got something for you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whenever you're ready. Just do whatever you want.

[Heidi]

I just didn't know if you knew this. A certain one of your producers is also from Rochester.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I absolutely do. I do know that. And I just found out he's out there buying motorcycles. The fucking guy. Secret motorcycles with special big glasses on. Oh, you. You like them? All right.

[Heidi]

The Rochester connection. Me and Yoni.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know. Absolutely. You've talked with Yoni about this before?

[Heidi]

Never talked to him in my life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But you just know he's from Rochester.

[Heidi]

We know. We know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We know. We know.

[Heidi]

Yeah, there's like. It's a smaller city, and they're like. If you tell someone you're from Rochester, they're like, you know who else is? Three other people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. And Yoni's one of those people. Wow. Just think, after the inevitable motorcycle accident, he'll no longer be on that list.

[Heidi]

Thin in the pack.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. What do you do for work right now?

[Heidi]

It's weird. I. I came here with, like, Five grand?

[Brian Redban]

Are you a wizard? What do you mean? It's weird.

[Heidi]

I. I came here from Hogwarts and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Came here with five grand and smoked it. Went.

[Heidi]

Blew through it immediately.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Heidi]

My plan was to do like instacart. Car broke down very shortly after.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Heidi]

And I got hired at the Vulcan, former venue of Kill Tony. And don't get scheduled there too much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Heidi]

So I did the natural thing anybody would do. I just started playing poker full time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Heidi]

And I was able to pay my rent up until now. Just playing poker.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where do you play? Online or real life?

[Heidi]

Well, one of the reasons I was excited to move here is because I've always played poker. And Austin, Texas also happens to have the. The best card room in the country.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is true, in fact, yes, without a doubt. And the best heads up poker player in the world, Doug Poke.

[Heidi]

Doug Polk.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know this guy?

[Heidi]

I met him here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I didn't know him at all. And then one night after the taping of this show, people kept coming up to me going, do you know who the fuck's here? Doug Poke's here. Doug Poke is here. And I'm like, who the is a Doug Poke? What's a Doug Poke? But all night, I swear to God, 15, 20 people, I'm like, Jesus Christ. So by the time like 1130 comes around, finally, here's this guy, Doug Poke. I'm Doug Poke. Bye bye, nice to meet you. I'm the best heads up poker player in the world. That's what everybody kept saying. And I was already drunk at that point. And I go, I'm good at poker, I'll play you heads up. And he goes, and we go, okay, so we bet. The bet was if he wins because he wanted to do a minute on the show. If he wins, he gets to do a minute on the show. If I win, he gives me $20,000.

[Brian Redban]

Get out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So there we are at Mitzi's after an episode and we play heads up poker. Me and the best in the world. 20 minutes later, guess who won 20,000 fucking dollars? Me. Thank you.

[Brian Redban]

Come on, for real.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And at that point, since it had only been 20 minutes, but I was kind of warmed up, I go, I'll tell you what, even though I won, let's go double or nothing. Let's go $40,000 versus real bad. A minute of stand up comedy. And So I won $20,000. We doubled the bet to 40. And he's gonna be any, any day now, he's gonna be popping in on the show. So yeah, he Won. He won that second game, so be on the lookout for the best heads up. It was, it was so much fun. No, it's not, stupid, you silly. Well, silly, yeah, silly's fun. Was he hot at least? Oh, red band. God. You need to really, like, give up on the carbs or drinking or something.

[Heidi]

He has a bet right now. He has a bet right now for like a quarter million dollars that he has to get down to like 2% body fat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't, I don't know anything about that, but I'll tell you, this is. We had a hell of a good old time playing poker, and I can't believe that you're able to make a living doing it.

[Heidi]

Well, I was. I. I've paid my rent up until now and in the past few weeks had like a $4,000 downswing. So all in all, in Austin, I am currently up $1200.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But how are you going to pay rent at the end of this month?

[Heidi]

I mean, I gotta hope I can make this $1,200 work.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How much is rent?

[Heidi]

A thousand. Okay, but I'm gonna have to play more poker. I mean, I can't just, I can't just pay the thousand dollars, have 200. I have to buy in for 1200, turn it into like 3600, and then I go, oh, I'm chilling. And then maybe lose that in between.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right?

[Heidi]

It's a whole thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So when you're playing poker, you're really. Your heart's beating out of your chest because it's life or death.

[Heidi]

I purposely talk about the fact, like, I need this. Like, and then people are like, then he's not bluffing, right? Like, he, he, he. This is his rent money.

[Brian Redban]

You don't have like a. Do you have a backup skill? Like, do you know how to do anything else? Like, yeah. Do you know how to bag fucking groceries? You know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

I'll give you two out of drive through window. I mean, what do you. You got anything else, my guy?

[Heidi]

I delivered pizzas for 10 years. I'm pretty good at that. Okay, that was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'll tell you what. I mean, I'll give you $2,000 if you kill a guy holding a single silver crotch outside in Austin, Texas.

[Brian Redban]

Done.

[Heidi]

Should be easy to spot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It should be. He's not using it. He's just holding it. He's carrying it around. And he's probably being followed by police officers down the street, so it should be easy to find.

[Heidi]

I hope I get to them before they do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right.

[Heidi]

Need that two grand, Phil.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anything else crazy we should know about.

[Brian Redban]

You before you really have a girlfriend? Your opening joke was about your girlfriend's dead dad or something? Yeah, I do have a girl.

[Heidi]

I really have a girl.

[Brian Redban]

What's going on with her, bro? Cephia.

[Heidi]

Yeah, I can get into this.

[Brian Redban]

Dish the dirt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, let's do it.

[Heidi]

So she's a new girlfriend. I met her at Creek in the Cave. We were there for a banana phone.

[Brian Redban]

Creek in the Cave, which I do.

[Heidi]

Want to let you guys know there's a free show every Sunday called Bananaphone. If you're in town for kills on.

[Brian Redban]

You should go to your shows on your girlfriend's back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's go.

[Heidi]

I was there for that. And I met her and I thought she was really hot. She is really hot. She's way out of my league. And we just started small talking. It was going great. I bought her a drink, and it got to the point where we sat, watched the show. I walked her to her car, and she goes, just so you know, I'm married.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And then what?

[Heidi]

And then I was like, all right, well, I'm totally. I'm totally mature enough to be in a platonic relationship with a woman who's married.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're in a platonic relationship?

[Heidi]

No, no, no. That's what I thought at the time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Platonic?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. Is that.

[Heidi]

That's the right word?

[Brian Redban]

No, that's when an earthquake happens.

[Heidi]

What's the word for platonic?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Platonic.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Heidi]

Yeah. So, like, I thought we could, like, catch an earthquake together or something. I'll speed it up a little bit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're doing good.

[Heidi]

She was going to, like, Mike's by herself and stuff. Her husband didn't support, like, her doing comedy. Wasn't a fan of you either. He didn't let her watch Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He didn't let her watch Kill Tony.

[Heidi]

That's just what I heard. I don't need to give this guy more of a reason to murder me. So we're not going to talk too much about him?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, keep going. This is great.

[Heidi]

So I'm going to Mike's with her.

[William Montgomery]

I'm.

[Heidi]

As a friend. As a platonic friend. And I'm really, like, in my head, like, damn, I've matured so much. She's so hot, and I can just be her friend. And we're going to all the mics. We're going to all the mics. And eventually she just ghosts me, and I'm like, oh, did I, like, weird her out or something? And so I texted her didn't get a text back. And then a few days goes by, and I'm like, I'll send her one more. And she says. I was like, hey, did you, like, quit comedy or something? And she says, no, I'm going through some personal stuff. Turns out the personal stuff was she told her husband that she has feelings for me, and then they started the divorce process.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Incredible.

[Brian Redban]

There he is. There he is right there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have a. I have a few more questions now that we got a good, good, real story out of you. Yeah. One is, when did you start hooking up with her? Was it before she started having feelings for you?

[Heidi]

This whole thing, again, real mature of me. I waited because we're in Texas, so you really can't fuck with her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, mature of you. Was there a chance, you think, for you to make a real move there? Did she?

[Heidi]

Not really. So, like, everybody's, like, telling me the same thing, like, well, if she left her husband to be with, what do you think she's gonna do? But as soon as she realized she had feelings for me, she stopped talking to me, worked it out with him, and then filed for divorce. And then we didn't hook up until it was finalized.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. You didn't hook up till it was finalized? Like, the paperwork.

[Heidi]

Till it was. If you. In Texas. If I was to, like, she could go to jail.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Heidi]

Before it's final.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Heidi]

It's adultery. Even if you have filed for divorce.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm not getting married.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't have to worry about that, Redmond. So.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. Dude, you're like a walking soap opera guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's incredible.

[Brian Redban]

Gambling, wild women in the parking lot. What else is going on there? Relish, Master.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You play poker? You play tonic. This is incredible. It's a wild story.

[Heidi]

Everything else is pretty chill. Honest. Honestly. I mean, I think I told you the. The bulk of my stress and craziness.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So this guy didn't let her watch Kill Tony. Do you know why he didn't let her watch Kill Tony? That's such a random, weird thing.

[Heidi]

Again, he's gonna see this, and he's probably gonna hunt me down and kill me. But I do know it was, like, around one of your first cancellations. This is secondhand information, so I'm sure if you're watching this hearsay. But he was, like, after Tony said that Asian stuff, you're gonna still watch that show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. He's a. He's a incredible.

[Heidi]

I actually think he's really cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Phil Smith. A great performance, a great interview. Here's the big joke book, my friend. Congratulations. Phil Smith, everybody. Wow, how fun, huh?

[Brian Redban]

And what's great is that's his last performance ever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's gonna be Kill Phil.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. Does that hurt your feelings that someone, like, wouldn't watch you because of you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, if those are the people that aren't watching because of some. Because the news told them that I'm a racist, those are the people I don't want watching.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So it works out perfectly.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I ended up with the exact fan base that I wanted to. People that focus on what's in front of them, not what they're being told by others, or else I'd be a writ Nazi. That's what they. That's what they called me. They said I performed at a Nazi rally and then I'm against Latinos even though these are the four most expensive dates you can imagine. Every goddamn Monday. Had a Zoom call with Carlos Sosa today. He's telling me how much he was getting paid on the Kelly Clarkson Show. This guy, look at him. Yeah, Kelly Clarkson. Goddamn ABC network. I'm competing against like. Well, Kelly Clarkson was giving me. No, I'm kidding. Look at him. Look at him over there. Look at him. He's about to play the flute. Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for one of our absolutely great esteemed regulars. I present to you a young man who is absolutely living everyone's dreams. You name it. New Netflix deal, new this, new that. We'll probably find out all about it real soon. This is a brand new minute from one of the top young rising comedians in the world. This is Cam Patterson.

[Uncle Laser]

Hey, what's up, man? I'm proud of myself, dog. I got a girlfriend out. We've been dating for eight months. And for the first time two days ago, I made that bitch come. I'm proud of myself. Yeah. Yeah, nigga, yeah. Eight months, no cums, nigga, nothing. We were fucking. I go, baby, did you come? And she would go, no. And I would go, damn. Good night. Every time. Too bad, bitch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good night.

[Uncle Laser]

Every single time. But this night was different. It was different. Well, kind of the same. We took mushrooms, I fucked her. She didn't come. I said, did you come? She went, no. I said, damn. Went to sleep, right? Only thing that was different was earlier that day, my girlfriend has a roommate. And her roommate brought this dude over like a lame ass white dude. He was a real poindexter. He was a bitch. Like a real fuck nigga, you know what I'm saying? And I met him and he was like, how you doing?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good to me.

[Uncle Laser]

So what's up, pussy, right? He was a bitch. Like, we talked to bitches. What's up, Pwista? How you doing, brother? I went back in the room, right? And then the night came. And when I was trying to go to sleep off the mushrooms at the Fuck Am I Lady? Peacefully, I just heard from the other room, this lame ass nigga fucking the shit out of her roommate. It was just like the whole time, he's in there hurting her. Oh my God. What's going on? And then right when I started to think about it, the mushrooms kicked in and my brain just went, you gonna let that white boy out? Fuck you, nigga. And I felt my ancestors grab my back. It was Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King and Thurgood Marshall. And I put my shoes on for trash. And I made that bitch come. Nigga, I'm gonna cap out that guy somewhere.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Can I ask you a question? Right out of the gate, those noises you heard through the wall, can you do those one more time? Yeah. They weren't there. Playing women's tennis.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cam Patterson has done it again. It was her first come.

[Uncle Laser]

First come, first come.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. What did you have to do to do that? What did you do differently with the mushrooms? Yeah, but like, was the. Do you remember, like, was there some type of thrusting motion? Was there?

[Brian Redban]

They said it. It was the motion.

[Uncle Laser]

Wait a minute. I put. I had put shoes on for traction.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You put shoes on?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Uncle Laser]

Nigga, butt, ass, naked, phone posits on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you were wearing exclusively only shoes?

[Uncle Laser]

Only shoes. Socks and shoes, but only shoes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Uncle Laser]

Butt, ass naked, only shoes on. And I was going as hard as I could. I was finna get out fucked. And he was going hard over there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Uncle Laser]

He was going crazy over there.

[Brian Redban]

You can make it go even further if you wear golf shoes, buddy.

[Uncle Laser]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Uncle Laser]

What the fuck that's gonna do?

[Brian Redban]

They got the spikes in them. My guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you.

[Brian Redban]

You can really get in from standing on the wall? Yeah.

[Uncle Laser]

Never knew this. This is good to know white people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Uncle Laser]

Golf shoes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just make sure it's not a water bed you're on, okay? Or else we know you can't swim, cuz. That would be a mess. That is quite the mess. So she told you that she had never come before? I always ask.

[Uncle Laser]

She always say no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You always ask?

[Uncle Laser]

I always ask every time he. You come and she be like, no. I'll be like, damn, too bad. I don't really care. But I would like to know you feel What I'm saying don't bother me. I already won. I'm happy. I'm having a good time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly.

[Uncle Laser]

Give a about what she got going on over there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were ready to go to. You were ready to go to sleep.

[Uncle Laser]

Night night time, brother. You know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Twinkle, twinkle little star.

[Uncle Laser]

There it goes. Hell yeah.

[Brian Redban]

I don't want to be too nosy, but have you ever come every time 100. I gotta ask, what's that sound like?

[Uncle Laser]

It's a. It's a lot of that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's just a lot of cross eyed energies. Oh, there's a little noise there. Yeah.

[Uncle Laser]

It'S like that. What the are you doing?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Somebody called the police. They heard that. Someone called them. Someone called the police.

[Uncle Laser]

Hey, who are these, man? I go for two weeks. Who are these lame ass going on?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're not lame, they're cool.

[Uncle Laser]

Ah, I mean that guy, that guy's cool. That guy lame as man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

About this.

[Uncle Laser]

Guy cool as lame as hell, man.

[William Montgomery]

He cool, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who the is that guy?

[Brian Redban]

You be nice to Russell Brown. Relax.

[Uncle Laser]

Who the is that, man?

[Brian Redban]

What does he sound like when he comes?

[Uncle Laser]

He probably sound like a smooth jazz player. He probably sound cool as.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, the piano player. Yeah, no doubt about it. Yeah, he's like, yeah, yeah, there go baby. Hell yeah. You came. I came. Good night.

[Uncle Laser]

We all came. He probably say when he come too.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, he cool enough though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You? I came, absolutely. Do you come fast? Like normally? Like how. How long do you.

[Uncle Laser]

Wait a minute. What the we got going on, man?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Every once in a while he takes the word co host to heart and tries to ask his own question. People come faster.

[Uncle Laser]

Who said that? Who told you that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nobody. Nobody just says stuff randomly.

[Uncle Laser]

The was that we was all having a good like, do you come quick? How fast do you come, Cam, I got questions about this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep, it is an interesting question, Red band. Very interesting. So Cam, what else is going on in life?

[Uncle Laser]

A lot, man. I've been running around doing. I'm. I'm acting now. I be acting and man, yeah, hell.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you're gonna make it.

[Uncle Laser]

I think I can tell him what the big one is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, we're not gonna tell him about the big one yet.

[Uncle Laser]

But yeah, I'm in some shit. It's weird. It's weird being like around real actors. Cause I don't act on me. You feel me? When I went to my audition, I remember it was a nigga in there and I asked him, I said, hey man, how you got started acting? He was like, you know, I was in the Lion King when I was eight. I was simple. I was like, damn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

At school.

[Uncle Laser]

He was like, nah, bro. I was like, I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be in this room at all, dog. This is diabolical. But you know, it's cool though. I with it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Can I ask. You don't have to tell me what is. But is it dramatic acting or comedy?

[Uncle Laser]

Oh, no, I'm playing a retard. But.

[Brian Redban]

Well, you don't really have to act to do that.

[Uncle Laser]

Wait a minute. What the. You just hit.

[Brian Redban]

Got you guys. If you were to retard, you would have got it quicker.

[Uncle Laser]

No, I to think about it. But you.

[Brian Redban]

Think about that next time you come.

[Uncle Laser]

I pray to God I don't.

[Brian Redban]

I'll be there to hold you, son.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Brian Redban]

I'm just acting. I'm just acting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm doing a great job, dude.

[Brian Redban]

Congratulations. You like acting?

[Uncle Laser]

It's cool. I fought with it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Did you think you would do you know, when you started your journey, you. You, you'd go into acting? Or is that something that came way out of nowhere for you came out left field.

[Uncle Laser]

But I with it though.

[Brian Redban]

I think it's, man.

[Uncle Laser]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

I'm going to give you some advice because you, like you said you didn't see it coming.

[Uncle Laser]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Just jump in and take it, man. Don't be afraid. Just like go for it. Just like you do out here. Just. Just go for it, man. You're going to be good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Brian Redban]

For you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You appreciate if you ever need to be inspired by another great actor, just. Just think about the acting of your girlfriend. When she told you that you made her come that one time.

[Uncle Laser]

No, she did. I believe her. I believe that time. I got her that time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's not a pair of Jordans in the world that are going to get you there, buddy. Cam Patterson has done it again, everyone. That is yet another new minute from Cam Patterson. And back to the bucket we go. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Open Phone. If you're running a business, you know that every time you miss a call, you're leaving money on the table. When every customer conversation matters, you need a phone system that keeps up and helps you stay connected 24 7. That's why you need Open Phone. Open Phone is the number one business phone system that streamlines and scales your customer communications. It works through your tap on your phone or computer. So no more carrying two phones or using a landline. Now let me throw it to the most business savvy. Guy I know in the world. It's really. Guess what Tony? I love Open Phone. It's the best business phone system hands down. With OpenPhone, your team can share one number and collaborate on customer calls and texts like a shared inbox. That way any teammate can pick up right where the last person left off, keeping response times faster than ever. See why over 60,000 bits businesses trust Open Phone. Heck yeah. Open Phone is offering our listeners 20 off for your first six months at openphone.com Kill Tony. That's O-P-E-N-P-H-O-N-E.com Kill Tony. And if you have existing numbers with another service, Open Phone will port them over at no extra charge. Open Phone. No miss calls, no missed customers. All right, let's talk about how Amazon prime makes everything better. You know, the moment you're binge watching different things and you realize that prime has more to offer than expected. Amazon prime isn't just fast delivery, though. Let's be honest, getting snacks or a last minute prop delivered the same day is a lifesaver. It's also Amazon music to Vibe too, and all the things that make life more interesting. Red Band Whether streaming a stand up special, building the perfect playlist for the next show, or getting new gear delivered fast, prime helps make it all happen and maybe even delivers a few laughs along the way. So whether comedy, drama, or just the perfect new joke book is the Vibe, remember, Prime is there for it. I do it all on Prime. Whatever you're into, it's on Prime. From streaming to shopping, it's on Prime. Visit Amazon.comprime to get more out of whatever you're into. Amazon.comprime Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next bucket pool. We're going to meet her all together. It is. Liv Taylor. Liv Taylor.

[Cassandra Hartford]

What's up Austin? I am Liv. I did just move to Austin. On the contrary, I do not have two sisters named Laugh In Love. Okay, that was stupid. Sorry. Yeah, I did just move to Austin. My husband died last year, which is, you know, pretty unfortunate. But men don't like to be told that women are better drivers. So as a woman, I've just proved my point. Okay, I did always tell him I was a better driver. Unfortunately, it took for him to just take me a little too seriously. I've pretty much lost everything that's in my head right now because there's a giant light shining in my face. Anyways, I also have anxiety, so anytime that I masturbate, I immediately think of my dead mom. Like, I know I'm shaming God, but, like, grandma, sorry. My husband, though, he was a freak. I like to say that he's now watching from his favorite point of view, which is from my asshole.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Great.

[Cassandra Hartford]

Love that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Liv, Taylor, I'm excited about this interview. Hi. The set was. You know what it was?

[Cassandra Hartford]

Yeah, I know you don't have.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But this interview I'm real excited about because I love when people die near people that are on this show. It gives us something to talk about.

[Brian Redban]

A lot of that tonight, like, about five of our actions. When somebody died.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Odds of us dying have gone up by the people that we've pulled out of the bucket tonight. Seems like they have a lot of death around them. D Madness is trying to leave right now, and. Which is very telling because they have a sixth sense, those people.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And by those people, I mean the blacks, not blind people. There he goes.

[Brian Redban]

Did you notice when she said, I'm sorry, you said you. And by the way, I'm so sorry, but you said your. Your grandmother died or your father.

[Cassandra Hartford]

Everybody's dying, Mom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Everybody, husband, grandma.

[Brian Redban]

Guy in the back. When you said they died, some guy in the back just went, whoa. Like, he cheered.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He cheered for the husband dying, but that's not. Yeah, fuck that guy. It doesn't really matter. Harlan. He was trying to be funny, but he didn't have the courage to sign up for the show because he doesn't have a full minute. Wow. He thought that he had a moment.

[Brian Redban]

There, but he's caught me off guard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Stupid pussy.

[Brian Redban]

Okay. I was looking for an answer. I got one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Liv, amazing that your name is Liv, even though everyone around you dies. Let's talk about it. It is. How did your husband die?

[Cassandra Hartford]

He flipped his truck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He what?

[Cassandra Hartford]

He flipped his truck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He flipped his truck. Wow. It's amazing, the difference between flipping a house and flipping a truck. Right? One makes you money, the other ends your life.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. So he flipped, hit a deer, did he?

[Cassandra Hartford]

No, just his head real hard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did he. How did he flip his truck? What happened there?

[Cassandra Hartford]

He was just trying to go off a ramp and was dumb. Didn't do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Going off a ramp?

[Cassandra Hartford]

Yeah, just like an exit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Cassandra Hartford]

In exit, it was like two in the morning. You know, all factors combined.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was he drunk? A little bit. Okay, a little bit, yeah. By a little bit. Over the legal limit, probably. Probably. You never asked.

[Cassandra Hartford]

I mean, we. We parted ways that same night, so I would say.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You broke up with him that night. Oh, he.

[Cassandra Hartford]

He literally parted ways. Oh, we were sorry. We Were together that night literally went apart, and then he.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What were you guys doing together?

[Cassandra Hartford]

We were at a strip club.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so you and him were at a strip club, you and your husband?

[Cassandra Hartford]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did he leave first or.

[Cassandra Hartford]

No, we left together.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You left together?

[Cassandra Hartford]

He was parked one way, I was parked the other. We were driving separate cars.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Driving separate cars. Were you behind him?

[Cassandra Hartford]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were in front of him?

[Cassandra Hartford]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys went, too.

[Cassandra Hartford]

We got into an argument that night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow.

[Cassandra Hartford]

There's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very saucy, very interesting. Amazing. For a guy that's been pounding on the sound effect board all night, we got nothing for flipping trucks. Sometimes he gets a little daydreamy when we need him the most. So you guys are arguing. What was the argument about at the strip club? Was he, like, looking at a girl too much?

[Cassandra Hartford]

I didn't want to spend the money at the strip club, but I'm a good wife.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And so you were trying to save money? Yeah. Okay.

[Cassandra Hartford]

In this economy?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Okay, so let's just stick with the questions here, Liv. So you're trying to save money. You guys get into an argument because he wants to stay at the strip club.

[Cassandra Hartford]

He wanted to go, and I didn't want to go. And I was like, fuck it. Let's just go See.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did you not want to leave the strip club but also not want to spend money?

[Cassandra Hartford]

Okay. When we were down, we were downtown. I'm from Georgia. We were downtown. And he wanted to go to the strip club. I didn't want to go. We were moseying around until he. I just finally gave in. I was like, fine, let's go. It's not even a strip club. It's a titty bar. It's a sad excuse.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That part doesn't matter to the story. So when you guys. But then when you guys. When you get to the titty bar, all of a sudden, you kind of want to stay there.

[Cassandra Hartford]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And he wanted to leave.

[Cassandra Hartford]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Interesting. So what was the last thing that you guys said to one another before he went and died?

[Cassandra Hartford]

I'm gonna go to my truck. And I said, I'm gonna go party with these friends you just made.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You went to go party with his friends?

[Cassandra Hartford]

I thought he was gonna follow with, but, you know, I was wrong. It's cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Yeah. Unbelievable. Do you live with a bit of guilt from that, you think?

[Cassandra Hartford]

No, I did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You did? Yeah. But you're over it now. How long ago did this happen?

[Cassandra Hartford]

It'll be a year on the second.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. You got over it real quick. Okay, very cool. I like It. Do you have a boyfriend now?

[Cassandra Hartford]

Nope.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're completely single?

[Cassandra Hartford]

I'm just trying to do comedy. I moved out here just for this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You moved here from Georgia just for this? How long did you move here?

[Cassandra Hartford]

I just moved two weeks ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Two weeks ago. Awesome. Yeah. There you go.

[Brian Redban]

I think you're missing the biggest question.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go right ahead. I love it.

[Brian Redban]

If you don't mind.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I want to hear it. It happens.

[Brian Redban]

I think everyone's wondering.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's do it.

[Brian Redban]

Why did you leave your hat in Cam's bedroom?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's covered. It looks like it's covered in cum 100.

[Cassandra Hartford]

I like to have fun.

[Brian Redban]

You know, whatever you like to have fun. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Brian Redban]

I was just asking back to you, guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. What do you do for work, Liv?

[Cassandra Hartford]

I'm a vet tech.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're a vet tech. Okay. And are you doing that here in Austin?

[Cassandra Hartford]

I have not found a job, but I will have to eventually, so, yeah, I'll probably end up doing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How much money did you save?

[Cassandra Hartford]

Well, my money is dead mom money. So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dead mom money. 22,000.

[Cassandra Hartford]

Not even close. My mom did not expect to die. Probably like just under 10 grand.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[Cassandra Hartford]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you have a little time. How much is your rent? Good bit a ballpark.

[Cassandra Hartford]

Like 1800.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

1800. Do you live by yourself?

[Cassandra Hartford]

I do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so you have about six or seven months to get a job.

[Cassandra Hartford]

Stretch. I'm frugal.

[Brian Redban]

I know a gambler she'd do real well with.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What do you do for fun, Liv? What are some hobbies?

[Cassandra Hartford]

I have dogs at home. I have two beagles, so I hang out with them.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, cute.

[Cassandra Hartford]

I'm really very homebodied. Since I moved out here, I've just. Just really been trying to explore and be by the pool and chill and relax and just try to honestly find a new life, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Cassandra Hartford]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you're having fun doing standup comedy at night? You enjoy it?

[Cassandra Hartford]

I. The only reason I do it is cuz my mom died.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When did your mom die? Exactly.

[Cassandra Hartford]

So, funny story.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Finally.

[Cassandra Hartford]

Oh, you'll love this. My mom died the day after I saw your standup and met you with my husband on August 26th of last.

[Brian Redban]

It's all coming back to you.

[Cassandra Hartford]

2023.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's.

[Cassandra Hartford]

I'm not even joking. Like, I got a phone call the next morning that my mom died.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Cassandra Hartford]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. So you saw me in that big theater in Atlanta, Georgia.

[Cassandra Hartford]

Cobb Energy Center.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And yes, the Cobb Energy Center. It is all coming back to me now. And how did your mom die? She flipped her truck.

[Cassandra Hartford]

She got hit by a car.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Brian Redban]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Cassandra Hartford]

I mean, I always wanted a jeep and that just ruined it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So. So was she walking or in a car?

[Cassandra Hartford]

Oh, no, she. She was a pedestrian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She was a pedestrian.

[Brian Redban]

It wasn't a hit and run, was it?

[Cassandra Hartford]

No, the. The guy stopped and. Yeah, he did it the right way.

[Brian Redban]

But you know, he What?

[Cassandra Hartford]

He did it the right way.

[Brian Redban]

I mean, he did it the right.

[Cassandra Hartford]

Way all the way through. I mean, you didn't have to suffer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you were very close with your mom?

[Cassandra Hartford]

Yeah, close. Ish. My mom was kind of crazy, but.

[Brian Redban]

Until she got hit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right? Yeah.

[Cassandra Hartford]

Yeah, I'd say.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And have you always been a natural neon pink?

[Brian Redban]

I was just wondering.

[Cassandra Hartford]

I'd like to say natural red.

[Brian Redban]

Diabetic kids attack your candy floss at the carnival. It just like. Like nine kids start chewing your hair.

[Cassandra Hartford]

It's pretty tasty. It actually smells really good.

[Brian Redban]

It does. What's it smell like?

[Cassandra Hartford]

Hydropearl oil.

[Brian Redban]

Can I smell it?

[Cassandra Hartford]

Sure, if you'd like.

[Brian Redban]

Love to have a store.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. It's chloroform.

[Brian Redban]

Oh wow. Smells like Cam's bedroom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it does. Yeah, it does. All right, Liv. Well, congratulations. Now you know what it feels like. At least there are extremely bright lights and everything out there is dark. And now you know for next time. So sign up again and write it right. Right. Actual minute. And remember it. Oh, good catch. I threw that one a little high and hard and she got it.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Brian Redban]

Tough stuff there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like it. I like it.

[Brian Redban]

You like the death stuff?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like a good heavy interview. That's what this shows off about. Sometimes it's hehe haha. Sometimes it's yeah. That's what I always say.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. Let's get. All right today.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is a special moment right now. Last week we pulled out of the bucket a man who signed up for, I think every Monday for over a year. And he had a good minute. But his interview skills were unbelievable. I swear to God. I think I'm bringing up for the second time ever, who might be one of the greatest interviewees in the history of the show. I'm excited to see his second ever minute on the show. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the short awaited return of Alex Tarshon, everybody. Here we go.

[Harlan Williams]

Thank you. Thank you. I've. I've been going to the gym a lot lately. I've been trying to make my workouts pertain to things I would do in real life. So every time I do a squat, I make sure to Also lift my ball sack and cough. I didn't always used to be this big. I used to be really small. That was when my dad was getting the best of me. He said these beatings were preparing me for life, you know, for all the other 40 year olds who are gonna hit me with a belt and a shoe. You know, the thing is though, he actually didn't own a belt. So we'd have to go to the clothing store and he'd hit me with one there. You know, it might sound bad, but I guarantee you, every time he hit me with a belt, he always did it in Goodwill. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Wow. The return of Alex Tarshon. Unbelievable. I've been looking forward to this for a whole week.

[Harlan Williams]

Thank you. Me too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

These people have no idea the relationship that we built last week.

[Harlan Williams]

Full disclosure, I'm black.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's black. Just in case he says. Just in case he says the N word at some point, he's black. Full disclosure, I'm also black. So look out, here we go.

[Brian Redban]

Full disclosure, I'm white.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Alex, I love this suit. Last week it was your clothing was extremely questionable. This week you come in guns ablaze and you just get this. Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Amazon came through.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Wow. Amazon Prime.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, look at that. How much was that?

[Harlan Williams]

75. For the suit?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

You know, that's the new death in an elevator line.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does that mean?

[Brian Redban]

It's a Prince joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. All right. Speaking of.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, damn. How are you, buddy? I'd love to throw a hamburger patty on your glasses.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Alex Tarshon.

[Brian Redban]

Thank God he walked out. That horrible Prince joke I did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. That was crazy. That'd be a 39 year old reference, I do believe. But it was good. It was good. It was good. Death by an elevator. I learned something new every time I have Harlan on the street.

[Brian Redban]

No prince died in an elevator, right? Yes. He had an elevator in his mansion. They found him dead in his elevator.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. No, that was with the Houston dude. He's thinking of the guy's elevator. Just ask him. He knows it's okay, right?

[Harlan Williams]

You know, I know that Harry Truman was killed by a volcano. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where did you learn that at?

[Harlan Williams]

I. I was just scrolling. Instagram just popped up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. That's where you get all the great history teachings. There's no doubt about it. Not many people know that at all. In fact, nobody knows that because it definitely did not happen. But Harry Truman was killed by a volcano. This is history with Alex Taron. I'm very excited. So you got a brand new $75 suit off of Amazon and you're still rocking the. The do rag. Yeah, that's always going to be part of you, isn't it?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. One durag, no socks. That's the game.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do rag, don't socks. That's what they say. And Alex, you work at a pizza place?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, I do delivery, driving and I also, because I actually played a trumpet while I drive. Because you only need one hand for it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You play a trumpet while you drive?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, I played a trumpet while I drive and I use a little flap like the sun visor, put like the music on it so I can I kind of read it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have a. You have a trumpet? Do you have a trumpet with you?

[Harlan Williams]

Of course.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

With you right now?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, I brought it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You brought it?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Get this trumpet.

[Brian Redban]

Here we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got to be kidding me. This guy, by the way, set a record last week for the longest interview ever in the history of the show. Cuz we found him so goddamn interesting. At no point during the 24 minute long interview did he even mention playing the trumpet. That's how fucking interesting this guy is.

[Brian Redban]

Trumpet from a garbage bag, does it?

[Harlan Williams]

I was hoping to trumpet off your trumpet player.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I guarantee you he's going to win. He's a professional. But let's. Sure, let's do it. Let's have a. The first ever Mexican. Mexican trumpet off trumpet. And here we go. Your first ever trumpeter on this show's history. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Alex Tarshon. Perfect.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely incredible. All right, now the professional trumpet player is gonna play. Oh, oh, he got that one note that you missed. Oh, there you go. Red bands jumping in with his trumpet sound effect. This is just a free for all at this point. Harlan's about to play a second crutch. Wow, look at that. Harlan coming through with a victory.

[Harlan Williams]

Somebody just handed me that trumpet. I was just driving around playing and this guy was like, I've been looking for someone to give my trumpet to. And he's like, well, I guess you're the only guy. So I was like, all right. Like that trumpet's actually really expensive too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you know that?

[Harlan Williams]

Well, I looked it up. Like I eventually looked it up. And it's like he said he was like giving away all his possessions and then moving to Thailand, which we know what that means, you know, it means.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That he's about to go.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do what?

[Harlan Williams]

Well, well, there's a thing that we don't like to talk about that we all do sometimes. Wait, wait, wait.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go Ahead. It's okay. Don't let anybody here throw you off with their scoffs and questions. What do they. What do we all do sometimes?

[Harlan Williams]

Well, sometimes you go on skip lag and you just want to see how much it would cost. Just if you want to, you know, travel around the world and have your dreams come true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of dreams would you like to come true? What do you want to do in Thailand, Alex?

[Brian Redban]

How about we start with some speech therapy classes? How about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I think we know what that means, right? Yeah. When it comes to Thailand. Oh, you know what's over there? No, you don't. You have no idea what they do in Thailand.

[Brian Redban]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Lady ba ba ba.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, lady boys. Yeah, you want to be with a lady boy?

[Harlan Williams]

You want to get that lady boy gold?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, what's a ladyboy gold?

[Harlan Williams]

It's just below platinum.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. An interview. Genius. Eventually, this show might just end up being Alex Tarshon. Being out here for an hour, hour and a half every week. You guys will see when you little. Yeah. So, Alex, very interesting stuff. What else is going on in life?

[Harlan Williams]

Well, I caught my. Kind of texted my ex girlfriend. I was like, I gotta kill Tony's. I thought it'd be kind of weird if she just saw me randomly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You texted your ex girlfriend?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, I just said, like, just give me a call, which I guess it's like an emergency or something, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And remind everybody why that's a big deal. Your ex girl.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, well, you know, I used to have a heart. You know, I used to. I used to be in love.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then what happened?

[Harlan Williams]

And then? And then I got fired from my job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then what happened?

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, and then? And then it was just a series of. Just like. Like, since. Since last time I saw her. I had two guns get pulled on me at different occasions. Went to jail a couple times. Just for a weekend. Just for a weekend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got a gun pulled on you and you went to jail?

[Harlan Williams]

I got a gun pulled on me in Portland. And then immediately, the first thing I did was tell this guy a Prophet Muhammad joke while he was pointing at me. And I was like, all right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He was pointing a gun at you?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do the joke that you did while a guy was pointing a gun at you.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay, well, what I said was, did you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

First of all, did you say, like, hey, don't shoot me. Let me do a joke?

[Harlan Williams]

Pretty much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did you say exactly?

[Harlan Williams]

Well, what I said was, hey, you want to hear a joke?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He pulled a gun on you, and that's the first thing that you Said, yep. Wow. And then what did he say?

[Harlan Williams]

He said, all right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And he's holding it like this or sideways.

[Harlan Williams]

He was sitting in the car, so he was just pointing up at me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Okay. So you say, want to hear a joke? He said, yes. And then you go.

[Harlan Williams]

I said, you know, in the religion of Islam, it's forbidden to draw to Prophet Muhammad. It doesn't say nothing about drawing his twin brother Billy, though, by the way, he's fraternal. He's fraternal.

[Brian Redban]

You know, I would have shot him immediately.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Did the guy laugh? Yeah.

[Uncle Laser]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely incredible. My God. And then what happened?

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, and then I saw this lady walking around, and I was like, you never believe this. I just had a gun pulled on me. She's like, what'd you do? I said, I told him a joke, a Prophet Muhammad joke. And she goes, why? I'm like, that's comedy, right? And then she was like, no, it's not. And I was like, oh. And she's like, I'm actually. I'm actually in this, like, the circuit. Like, I know what comedy is. And I was like, all right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. Someone in. Yeah, a lady in Portland.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Has it all figured out. That sounds about right. Yeah. I know Portland well enough to know that those are the types of people that think. Think they have it all figured out. I'm in the circuit. Perfect.

[Harlan Williams]

I finally got closure, though, huh? Because I told her I got and killed Tony, and she was like, good for you. But, you know, he's a. He's a bad man, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. And I was like, oh, yeah, Those Portland people.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was like, I'm the bad man. Meanwhile, she lives in a neighborhood where people in cars are rolling up, pulling guns on innocent people.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, well.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But I'm the bad guy.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Because I said something. Some words. I said words. So, Alex Tarshon, what else is going on in life?

[Harlan Williams]

Well, Monday was good for me. Last Monday. Tuesday was kind of rough.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us what happened on Tuesday.

[Harlan Williams]

I got a phone call from my apartment, and there was just like. So we heard you had eight dogs. We just wanted to know when you're leaving. And I was like, all right. Well, you know. You know, so it's been a long week. I got a couple of new apartments lined up where, you know, new strategy for a new apartment. Just going to lie, right? Tell me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have two dogs, and you're going to sneak in. Eight dogs? Yeah. A fun fact about Alex is he has eight pit bulls. How did they find out? How did. What are the Odds that the apartment building found out the night or the next day after you talked about it in front of the world.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, it's because I got home so late. That was just like, screeches and squeals for, like a couple hours, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, oh, they heard the eight pit bulls playing around fighting.

[Brian Redban]

No, he's a room. His bedroom's next to cams.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that makes sense. So what are you realistically going to do for an apartment, Alex Tarshoon? You're out there delivering pizzas for a living.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, first off, my, My. My chances of being a public school teacher are plummeting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why?

[Brian Redban]

It can't plummet if you were never even up. All right.

[Harlan Williams]

I was working on my teaching certificate, like, thinking, like, I'm gonna get somewhere, off to hang out my dogs. And then I was just like. Like, there's like. There's something about, like, saying on stage it's just not gonna. It's not gonna work for me, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think you can say it.

[Harlan Williams]

I should.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You should. You should be able to say it. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Are both your parents black? Because you're like, sort of like a little fair skin.

[Harlan Williams]

No, I'm like. I'm like. I'm like black and like, moulin yon.

[Brian Redban]

All right, then you can't say it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, those are both. Those both mean black.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

John. John Keys gave him a promotion, so that's cool.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, yeah. Okay, go ahead.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you know you're not going to be able to get your teacher's certificate?

[Harlan Williams]

Well, I think, I mean, like, if you just Google me, like, it just comes up that, like, I prank phone call the suicide hotline by accident.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, like, if you Google me already, like, there's like, it's already, like, it was already dicey, like, to think that I'd get the job in the first place.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Brian Redban]

How do you prank the suicide hot?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What exactly?

[Brian Redban]

Don't jump. Don't jump.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, like, basically, like, I had, like, shoulder surgery. Making excuses for myself. I was kind of on, like, pills and stuff. I had, like, a big old slinky and everything. And I was just like, that would be funny. Like, I was watching Crank Anchors. I was like, oh, cranking because I should make prank phone calls. That'd be funny. That'd be good content.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

And what I did was I just called up the suicide hotline and just. Was just like, you know, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. And then I put, like, the two house phones together to make that, like, robot Squeal. And then, and then, like, my brother came in, he's like, oh, hey, Peter, what are you doing? You know, like, oh, no, Peter, what happened? And he goes to the phone, he's like, why did you do this to Peter? And then. And then like an hour later, I'm like, making eggs. Like, that was pretty funny.

[Brian Redban]

Dude, I'm about to kill myself right now. Let's move this along.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it doesn't really pop up. How do you spell your last name again? T huh?

[Harlan Williams]

A R?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uh huh.

[Harlan Williams]

C H O U N. C H.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

O U N. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Okay, that sounds sort of French, dude.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Is there some French?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, it used to be a French colony. You used to be my dad's country. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

What was your dad's country again?

[Harlan Williams]

Tunisia.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, wow. Tunisia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what? Tunisia. Oh, wow. Holy. Oh, yeah, that's definitely hat on here. Wow, that is incredible. How do we find it? Is it a video?

[Harlan Williams]

No, I had to delete the audio too. But the. It's like a. They wouldn't take down the article because the company went out of business. So it's just kind of stuck there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Alex Tarshon. ChatGPT says Alex Tarshon was involved in an incident where he made a prank call to a suicide prevention hotline, which led to his arrest and charges of second degree false incident report and disorderly conduct. Is that true? Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This fucking guy's incredible. This is the only show where people get an applause break for being arrested for pranking a suicide holl in.

[Brian Redban]

Bravo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

True art.

[Harlan Williams]

I had a. I had an arrest one time where I had a 60 year charge that was like a class X felony in the Illinois.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. What did you do there?

[Harlan Williams]

So basically my friend was like, I'm gonna go mule. My friend was like, I'm gonna go mule like a bunch of weed across the country. And I was like, I. Like, I'm not doing anything. Like, I'll go hang out. Like, I'll go for the. I'll go for the ride.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You just wanted to go along for the ride?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Uncle Laser]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. And then like, the thing is, like, we had a driver who was, you know, like, kind of on the spectrum a little bit. Like, not in a bad way, but like, for this it was terrible because, like, I was in the front seat just like taking a nap and like, the cop was knocking on my window. I'm like, how does. How does the cop waking me up? Like, you know, I mean, like, that's, you know, but like, right before bed, like, I was like, braiding my hair, like, right before I went to sleep in the car. Yeah, I was braiding my hair, just thinking, like, well, if I get arrested, like, I want to have a good mug shot. And then, like, I actually did wake up to a cop on the window and I was like, oh, shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And was your hair completely braided at that point?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Wow. Did you get the magical mug shot that you had hoped for?

[Harlan Williams]

I really did. I really did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go back to Alex.

[Harlan Williams]

If you go. If you go on my YouTube, it's like the opening for my cartoons.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is, yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Episode two. True four.

[Brian Redban]

So you have a cartoon too?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, he has a wildly successful cartoon. Tell Harlan the name of your cartoon.

[Brian Redban]

What is it?

[Harlan Williams]

So basically, it's the black version of Ed, Edd and Eddie and what's it called?

[Brian Redban]

What is it?

[Harlan Williams]

It's called Nig Nigga Nigga.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. There you go. Just in case you were wondering. Self described, half black, half moulin. That's right. Absolutely incredible. This guy a friend of yours? You can ask him anything and you get an unbelievable answer. Every goddamn. All the stuff that we found out. This interview we didn't talk about last week. It's been 17 minutes he's been up here. Time Flies with Alex Tarshon.

[Brian Redban]

So this cartoon is an extra for kids?

[Harlan Williams]

Not really.

[Brian Redban]

Who's it for?

[Harlan Williams]

It's just for people like. Who just like comedy and stuff. Not too sensitive and, you know.

[Brian Redban]

You know, if you say Beetlejuice three times, it disappears. So what was the name of your show?

[Harlan Williams]

Everybody at the same time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Harlan Williams]

It's just Nigga Nigger, what was it? Nigga Nigga.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Lot of bleeps this episode coming in.

[Brian Redban]

Does anything happen if you say that three times?

[Harlan Williams]

You know what? Like, nah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Yeah. Red Band keeps trying to Google your cartoon. Delete my search history. He typed in the name of your cartoon and Bell Bib devoe popped up for some reason. So, Alex, last week, at the last second of many of many minutes of interview, we found out that your shoes were falling apart.

[Harlan Williams]

Show the audience get a good, good peek at this. We got the old alligator.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Lift it up, lift it up and pull it down so that people can see. You see that? And this guy's out there delivering pizzas, hustling, getting kicked out of his apartment, taking care of eight dogs. So we have a gift for you. The lovely Heidi is bringing it out. Let's go. It is your size. It's a brand new pair of Nikes. Bust those Things out and pop them on there. Alex, just pull them out.

[Brian Redban]

If he says it three times.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go, Alex. A pair of my favorite shoes. Yeah, put them on. Put them on, Alex. Put them on. You son of a. Take off those dirty shoes. You should start wearing socks, Alex.

[Harlan Williams]

I. I asked Chat GPT if I should wear socks, and I said yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. Yeah, you could ask anybody. They would have told you yes. You didn't have to go to Chat GPT. You didn't have to use that kind of technology. Red bands really ramping up to say something here, everybody. Why do you wear that hat every week? Yeah. William Montgomery wore it last week, and he said his whole head smelled like pizza for the rest of the night. There you go. Was it worth it? We already talked about the thing. It's good. How do the shoes feel?

[Harlan Williams]

They feel great. I feel it's a good color.

[Brian Redban]

They really match your. Your do rag, bro. That's like, a good, good look.

[Harlan Williams]

That's. My hair gets really frizzy because, like, the hot heat around here.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

So I try to keep the, like, you know, kind of moisture in.

[Brian Redban]

But how do you feel about the way it matches? You must feel like a million bucks right now.

[Harlan Williams]

Hot wheels car.

[Brian Redban]

Feel like a hot wheels car.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are. You have the vibe of a hot wheels car. It's very, very death in an elevator, if you will.

[Brian Redban]

That joke doesn't work. I already tried it. You know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So we're gonna throw those old shoes out.

[Harlan Williams]

Who drove over to, like, the telephone line?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. If you want to. Yeah, yeah. You could. You could do that if you want. Alex, congratulations. You have new shoes. Another set and interview. Down the hatch. Thank you, Alex. There he goes, everybody. There he goes. He bought a new suit just for this. 75 on Amazon Prime.

[Brian Redban]

You bought him those shoes tomorrow, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

That was really nice. You, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Those are nice shoes. Hey, would it be inappropriate? Because I'm just. How much they cost? Can I ask, or is that inappropriate? A rack of them cost.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I think they were. I think they were, like, 120 bucks.

[Brian Redban]

Nice guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're my favorite shoes, so I got them a pair of my own favorite shoes.

[Brian Redban]

Give Tony a hand. That's nice right there, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I bought them all ones.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In New York City from the Nike store.

[Brian Redban]

That's nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I was surprised at how great they are. They're my favorite shoes. All right, make some noise for your next bucket pool. It's Nicholas Hartley, everybody. Here we go. Hey.

[Nicholas Hartley]

My grandpa is not a big sports fan. In fact, I Think his favorite sport is Family Feud. Because every episode they put a white family versus a black family. And my grandpa, die hard whites fan, I'll tell you that. He fucking loves those guys. I think the worst day of his life is when Steve Harvey took over. Cause he's just sitting there like the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ref is on their team.

[Nicholas Hartley]

It isn't fucking fair, you know, like, you think Steve is rigging the game? He's so delusional. You know, like, I'm watching a nice family friendly show and my grandpa's watching Steve go over there, like, white family name a word that white people can't say. You hear the black family go, good answer. Good answer. I never want to excuse my grandpa for his racism, but he grew up on a farm in the 1940s. If he died of racism today, they would say he died doing what he loved. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Nicholas Hartley. Some Family Feud material. We love the Feud around here. Yes, sir. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't like the Family Feud?

[Brian Redban]

I hate that thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why?

[Brian Redban]

Because of him?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

No, I don't. I'm ambivalent.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Brian Redban]

It's a big word, guy. I know. Relax.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's not a guy.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, sorry. Sorry. It.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nicholas, is this your first time on the show?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome, welcome. How old are you?

[Nicholas Hartley]

I'm 26.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

26. How long you been doing standup?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Two and a half years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Two and a half. What do you do for work? Work?

[Nicholas Hartley]

I work at a Mexican restaurant.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. What do you do at a Mexican restaurant? The bartender.

[Nicholas Hartley]

A lot of it's just me going up to Mexican ladies and being like Ingles. And they're like, no, that's a lot of it. But most of it's just me serving and, you know, getting food back and forth, trying not to get fired. Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A white guy serving at a Mexican restaurant.

[Nicholas Hartley]

It is going up there like, can I get you some Chili Killies? Would that be all right? And they go, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How long have you been serving at this Mexican restaurant?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Four months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Four months. What were you doing before that?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Before that, I was playing professional rugby.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Rugby? Professionally?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were getting paid to play rugby?

[Nicholas Hartley]

19 bucks an hour.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was 19 bucks an hour. How many hours a week would you do that?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Well, they paid us for four hours a week because that was practice. But then we were really doing like 10 hour days every day. You know, film study and all that other. So.

[Brian Redban]

Wow, that's a brutal game. What's your worst injury? My guy.

[Nicholas Hartley]

I popped out my collarbone one time in a rugby game and I was Walking off field and another fella come around the weak side and popped it back in. And I couldn't move my arm for like a week. It was. It was pretty sick. Made jerking off really hard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah. I still did it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're left handed.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely incredible.

[Brian Redban]

Great story. And then he wrecks it at the end.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Tough business.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Rugby is a tough business.

[Brian Redban]

A little like, no offense, but you don't have the biggest build I've ever seen for a rugby player.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah, I'm fast. I'm really fast. And that cheerleader, by any chance I did in high school. That was kind of neat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were a cheerleader? Yeah. It's amazing because I picked up on those energies as well. I could feel male cheerleader energy.

[Brian Redban]

Did you give us one of your best cheers?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah, I mean, I was a bass. I didn't really do any of that. I was just like that. And then I just.

[Brian Redban]

Give us one of your most perverted looks.

[Nicholas Hartley]

I can do a toe touch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Let's do it. Ladies and gentlemen, the first toe touch of the evening. Wow.

[Brian Redban]

David Lee Roth in the house. Huh, guy?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, sir.

[Brian Redban]

Go ahead and jump, puff player.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah, yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Wow, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Absolutely. Very impressive.

[Brian Redban]

Can you do that again, bro? In slow motion?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. My dad's gonna hate everything about what just happened, I'll tell you that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your dad doesn't like the fact that you were a male cheerleader.

[Nicholas Hartley]

He doesn't like gays. I'll say that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, he probably wasn't going to like the show anyway because I am the host. So let's talk about it. This is all very interesting. Was the stuff with your grandpa real?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah. So he watches Family Feud all the time. I mean, I've never really seen him be like, oh, you know, he's saying the phrase that I said. But he definitely says things he should not. I'll say that. And he thinks Steve is cheating somehow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He thinks that the host is cheating?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah. Because the black family actually wins a lot. And that blows his mind every time. Like, he'll sit there and he'll be like. He'll be like, that's on the board. That's on. That's. That's and a half. And then he'll be like, the black personal answer. You're like, hey, why would anybody think that? And then it's ding. He goes, this is. It gets.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is incredible. Do you ever video record him watching it?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Not at all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You should.

[Nicholas Hartley]

I would love to do that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that would. That's a great idea. Turn this bit into a reality show. People would love to watch a racist old guy watch the Feud.

[Nicholas Hartley]

I mean, I. I always say that, like, kind of watching it. If I've been gone for a while, I forget how racist he is, you know? But, like, I love my grandpa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Nicholas Hartley]

So when I go back and watch Family Feud, it almost feels like cracking open a cold one after an AA meeting, you know? I'm like, I can't enjoy this, but God damn, does it hit the spot every single time. Every time.

[Brian Redban]

Does he ever watch basketball and yell the same at the white people?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah. No, he refuses to watch basketball. He's. He does not consider that an American sport. I don't believe, but wow.

[Brian Redban]

And his son plays Australian rugby.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah. Oh, I don't know about that one. He wasn't happy. You know, he wants me to be an engineer, but that's. I got a little sad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no, you're doing just fine.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony, what's the most racist thing you've ever heard your grandpa say?

[Nicholas Hartley]

I actually have an answer. The most racist thing my grandpa ever said doesn't even involve the N word. I was at an American Legion with him, and there was this black man there, and I thought, my grandpa's not racist. He just doesn't like people who aren't, you know, who don't like the things he likes. If you found a black guy who likes bluegrass, who likes country music, and was an ex veteran, they'd get along. And this guy was all of that. And I got in the car with him, I was like, what'd you think of that guy, Grandpa? Do you like that guy? Because they were having fun, and he goes, that guy. He's fine around those good white folks, but when you put around his own kind, the jungle just comes out in him, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Absolutely incredible. Yes, sir. All right. All right.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. That is.

[Nicholas Hartley]

I pulled my hamstring on that one. That one. Okay. Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely perfect. What you say? D. Madness. Oh, no. You can't be mad at him. He's not racist. D. He's talking about his grandpa. D. You. You just like the fact that he would hurt himself because he has a racist grandpa. Not really. Okay. Perfect. Well, we didn't really get much of anywhere with that talk. Nicholas Hartley, what do you do for fun? What are some hobbies? Years. Now that you're out of the rugby game and you're working at a Mexican restaurant, when you're not doing standup, what else do you like to do?

[Nicholas Hartley]

I mean, I. I play a lot of sudokos, and I play chess, and, I mean, as far as fun, I like to golf. I golf a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very interesting. Do you have a love life? Is there a particular lover out there? I do.

[Nicholas Hartley]

I have a lady. She's a gal, and I like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Big fan of her being a gal, and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah, she's a good lady. She's Catholic, and that. That causes some friction between us.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why would it cause friction?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Well, I. I'm a Protestant, and her mother hates me for that, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Look at that. Just white heights fighting.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. D Madness is happy right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, he's smiling ear to ear over here for sure.

[Brian Redban]

What's your girlfriend do, bro? Cephia.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Well, she's getting her master's in college right now, and Prosepio.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is she getting her masters in?

[Nicholas Hartley]

She wants to be a dietitian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, is she a bigger girl?

[Nicholas Hartley]

No, but she does do CrossFit, and she's probably stronger than me right now. That makes me upset.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why? Have you ever asked her why she wants to be a dietitian? Why she wants to work with.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah, she says she wants to help people, and, like, there's so many other ways you could do that, you know? But she just likes food, and she likes to help people. She might be fat. I don't know. But, no, she's a nice lady, and I can.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you been with her?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Year.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Jovan Afzali]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Trying to figure this out. Nicholas Hartley. I find I feel like I'm a question away from figuring out something. What scares you?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Oh, shoot.

[Brian Redban]

Black people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's unbelievable. We do all that work, man.

[Nicholas Hartley]

What scares me? I. You know, I really don't like crowded spaces. I really hate crowded spaces because I'm a small guy and I get smushed into places, you know, that's just a real fear. But I am also afraid of, like, heights, too. I think I have a lot of fears, to be honest.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But you're afraid of heights?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah, I'm afraid of heights.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When's the last time you were somewhere high?

[Nicholas Hartley]

We went to Colorado one time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you were scared the whole time?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Not the whole time, you know, but, like, when you get standing on, like, a ledge, you know, leaning down, you feel like you're gonna fall. I don't like that at all. All right, Nicholas, not the best answer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know, but have you ever been arrested?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Never been arrested, but I should have been several times.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was it? What do you think you should have been arrested for?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Well, When I was in high school, me and my buddies would drive around drinking Jack Daniels bottles, and then we would just chuck them out the window. And sometimes we put like a little $20 bill in them and stuff like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Set them out like fishing lures, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn interesting. I think I know about a guy that on an exit ramp that saw one of those and tried to stop real quick for sure. Flipped his truck. All right, Anything else crazy we should know about you, Nicholas, and the other fun facts about your life? Grandpa was racist. What about grandma? Did you ever hang out with grandma?

[Nicholas Hartley]

So here's the thing with grandma, okay? Grandma pretends to not be racist.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, let's go. So let's go.

[Nicholas Hartley]

We'll be watching Family Feud and grandpa's going off and she's like, now, Dale, Dale, you can't be saying that around the grandkids, you know? And then she'll lean over to me because I'm one of her older grandchildren.

[William Montgomery]

Go.

[Nicholas Hartley]

You know, they're just not as smart as us, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Nicholas Hartley]

I'm like, grandma, she's a nice lady, but she's got some demons in her, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. She puts on a front like, she's not racist, but then she whispers to her little favorites.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah. And that's the crazy thing is too, I think they think I'm racist too, because I'm not going to tell an 80 year old man you're wrong for that, you know? So I just go, yeah, actually that's true. Because I went. I was hanging around my grandpa's friends one time and he just coyly said, he was like, this is my grandson, Nick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's.

[Nicholas Hartley]

He's like us, you know, I was like, I. I like bluegrass. I do like bluegrass. Grandpa, wow. Big fan of bluegrass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Dude, my dad's gonna be so pissed about this. My dad is gonna be so pissed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's perfect. That means you're doing something right.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Thank you.

[Brian Redban]

You ever sit around with the family and watch Wheel of Fortune with the hoods on?

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yeah. No, we never. We never done it with the hoods on. We.

[Brian Redban]

You will. You will.

[Nicholas Hartley]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, Nicholas, congratulations. You got on the show. You did it.

[Harlan Williams]

Thank you, thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Caught a little low toss there. Let's have some more fun. Your next bucket poll is from the inside, ladies and gentlemen. So it's probably gonna take her a while to get up here, make some noise. It is one of you representing this audience. Make some noise for Cassandra Hartford, everybody. Cassandra Hartford. There she is, right in the Middle normally a fun fact. The audience sign ups normally don't do as well as the comedians. That's why a lot of people are leaving right now. These people have to go open up their food truck. They have a food truck that they run together. By the way, Shout out to R&B's Steakhouse. Making cheese steaks for us tonight. Here is Cassandra Hartford. Everybody make some noise for Cassandra.

[Jovan Afzali]

My cousin called me on the way earlier today to let me know how excited she was that she took a Ancestry.com test and we are 12% of the same DNA. Thank God I'm only 12% fat retard. Gosh. Other cousins are black and in jail, so I don't know which one's worse. None of them have ever seen a ballot box. Wait, do they let retards vote in Texas? They do if you couldn't tell. I grew up prejudiced. I thought everyone with down syndrome was related. Just one big old family of thumbs. Did you guys hear about the big bankruptcy? You know they employ all of the retards in America. What was that? A hooters. What are we gonna do with all those girls? That's my time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, Cassandra Hartford. Actually doing pretty good for an audience bucket pool. Incredible. You said retard 11 times during your set. But you know what they say. If you are one, you're allowed to say the word. So congratulations. Welcome, welcome. This is the first time we've had our own hawktua girl on the show. This is very exciting. Hawk 3 over here. We'll call you like a new model of hawk tua. What brings you to Austin, Texas? Do you live here?

[Jovan Afzali]

I do not live here. I live in Florida.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What part of Florida?

[Jovan Afzali]

Melbourne, just outside of Orlando.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uh huh. Okay. And you're just visiting Austin?

[Jovan Afzali]

Just visiting Austin. I came in for a concert.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What concert?

[Jovan Afzali]

Penny and Sparrow over at the Paramount.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Jovan Afzali]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Never heard of them. What kind of music is that?

[Jovan Afzali]

Little folky, little blues.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Jovan Afzali]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know about them? You know about nothing musically. How do you know about them? I can't remember actually, but no, they're great. They're great. Is it girls?

[Jovan Afzali]

Nope. Two dudes, Andy and Kyle.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, you're looking at dudes playing music. What's going on over here? Look at my little cultured co host over here. I never knew you had it in you. They're chill. They're like really cool. I recommend Penny and sparrow.

[Brian Redban]

Is it like country music?

[Jovan Afzali]

Not country.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Considered folk. Their biggest song is called slaves. There's kind of a theme tonight. I don't know if anybody's catching on to it. Trying to get away from the racism thing in my reputation right now, and episodes like this don't help at all. I'm here for a concert. Penny and Sparrow. You might know them from their hit Slaves. Couple white guys singing about slaves. All right, and what's your story? You're married. You have a big, big diamond on that finger.

[Brian Redban]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been married for?

[Jovan Afzali]

I'm engaged. I've been engaged for about three years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let me just tell you. Let me just tell you there's a theme tonight. I don't know if you've been watching this show, but you better get married, because he could die at any point. Why do you think you've been engaged for three years and he hasn't pulled the trigger yet?

[Jovan Afzali]

He already pulled the trigger. I haven't planned the wedding.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You. It's up to you now. Why are you hesitating on planning a wedding?

[Jovan Afzali]

I just. I. I don't have the intrinsic desire to, like, pick the fucking flowers and, like, that whole, like, dress thing. Like, I. I can't be bought. It's like, it's me. It's not him, it's me. I'm the problem.

[Brian Redban]

He's in for a ride.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Geez Louise.

[Jovan Afzali]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Isn't it every girl's dream to do this? And you're like. You just sound like. You don't seem enthused.

[Jovan Afzali]

I don't like being judged by Evel Knievel, first of all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, look at that.

[Brian Redban]

Well, take that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That. Damn.

[Brian Redban]

I'll take that. I love Evil Knievel.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my.

[Brian Redban]

Just call me Eve.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Summer's Eve. Am I right? Douche.

[Brian Redban]

Your mouth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. So what do you do for work, Cassandra? Hartford.

[Jovan Afzali]

Yeah, Sue. It's Hartford. Ford.

[Brian Redban]

I own a L Correcto.

[Jovan Afzali]

The fur just gives that 12, you know? Okay, leaning out of that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's 18. There it is. Your. Your special trick?

[Jovan Afzali]

Yeah, I own a commercial real estate brokerage.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, look at that. What is your husband's husband to be do?

[Jovan Afzali]

Manages money.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He manages money. Is he good at it?

[Jovan Afzali]

I think he's pretty.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have a nice home as a. Your commercial realtor? Yeah.

[Jovan Afzali]

Yeah. I don't live in my car like the rest of the guys that come up. I'm so sorry. I just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[Jovan Afzali]

I just get, like, a regular life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't have eight pit bulls? What kind of a car do you have?

[Jovan Afzali]

Tesla. I. A Tesla?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't like your Tesla?

[Jovan Afzali]

I just look like I drive a Tesla, so it's you know, it's.

[Brian Redban]

The Teslas are great.

[Jovan Afzali]

I fucking love Teslas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But everybody that has a Tesla loves it. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Why you. Why you feel like you're afraid to talk about it or something?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Jovan Afzali]

Cause this is the MAGA convention of comedy.

[Brian Redban]

Right.

[Jovan Afzali]

Just putting a bullseye on my back. I'm teasing. No, I just look like. I look like what I am. I know, I'm aware.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's so funny. Tesla was always a liberal car. It used to be the funniest thing. Save the planet, everything against oil and gas. Same with all the people that they. All the good people. They're considered maggots now. Isn't that interesting? On Amazon for $15, they have these things where you could take off the Tesla logos and put a Honda Prius on it and people think it's a Honda Prius. Cool. Thanks. So if you want a Honda Prius.

[Brian Redban]

Or even in your case, you can put on it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yep. And then everyone will know it's you. It's the girl. Cassandra Harrison, forward. What do you do for fun, Cassandra? This. You do stand up. How long you been on stand up?

[Jovan Afzali]

For like five hours. So you like in total, you know, like stage time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. So did you perform five hours ago? No. No.

[Jovan Afzali]

Like collectively five hours.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you wrote that. You wrote your six jokes and decided to do this today?

[Jovan Afzali]

No. So on stage, on and off. Yeah, he gets it. He's just trying to get me to say a year and a half. Yeah, Red band understood.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Jovan Afzali]

I said he understood.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, he doesn't fucking know. I want to hear it from you. Not from Red.

[Jovan Afzali]

On and off for about a year. Total time on stage, five hours.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you've been. You first went on stage about a year and a half ago?

[Jovan Afzali]

Correct.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Why would you say five hours then?

[Jovan Afzali]

It's just confusing to me when people like eight years and I'm like, but how much time on stage?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Because that your way is so much dumber than their way, by the way. Okay.

[Brian Redban]

We don't say dumber, we say.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I'm trying to. There you go. Yeah. This is. So this is a bleep fest is what's happening right now. People hate the bleeds minute show tonight. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah. So in a year and a half you think you've been on stage five hours is what you're saying about.

[Jovan Afzali]

I live in a smaller market, so there's not a ton of mics and stuff to go up at.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Jovan Afzali]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you have fun when you perform stand up comedy? Yeah. Like, do you make friends that are comedians?

[Jovan Afzali]

I try to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you have more friends in the real estate business or the comedy business?

[Jovan Afzali]

Real estate. It's just because you're working with them all day. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you good at selling commercial real estate? Yeah. You are?

[Jovan Afzali]

Yeah. Yeah. So good. I, like, opened a company and I started doing it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have your own company, right? So good at it that you started your own company.

[Brian Redban]

Does it start with you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's like.

[Jovan Afzali]

It's like a. It fucking does. It literally does.

[Brian Redban]

Okay, we're down to seven.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where did you meet your husband to be at?

[Jovan Afzali]

We met at a comedy show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

At a comedy show? Were you performing?

[Jovan Afzali]

I was not. I had no interest.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was the comedy show?

[Jovan Afzali]

Just a mic in Melbourne, Florida.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys were just at a random open mic together? Yeah. And you guys were sat next to.

[Jovan Afzali]

Each other in the same room. And he's hot, so it was kind of like, oh, whoa. And a unicorn did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He does. He does. He doesn't do standup, though.

[Jovan Afzali]

He does not know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Jovan Afzali]

No, no, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're the funny one in this relationship. Yeah. What are you doing? Red band.

[Brian Redban]

Red, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're doing physical. You guys didn't realize the whole time she's had her hand in her front pocket.

[Jovan Afzali]

Why the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Playing with her kid the whole time she's just going like this. You got Colton Christie over here. Very excited about the front pocket. Acknowledgment on a podcast. Cassandra, most interesting thing about your life before I let you go. Oh, God.

[Jovan Afzali]

I was a teen mom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were?

[Jovan Afzali]

Twice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. So how old are your kids now?

[Jovan Afzali]

17 and a half and 16 and a half.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So 17 and what?

[Jovan Afzali]

So they're almost 18. Almost 17. So they're almost adults.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Jovan Afzali]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My goodness. Yeah. And who was that guy? You still talk to him?

[Jovan Afzali]

When I have to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right? Is he a good guy? Does he have a steady job?

[Jovan Afzali]

I hope so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't know?

[Jovan Afzali]

I mean, no, they. They interact with him, but it's more like a shared. You know, he's. Yeah, he's a. He's a. We were. We were teenagers, so, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you let him nut inside of you all the time. Did you not know how the birds and the bees worked?

[Jovan Afzali]

I guess not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You didn't?

[Jovan Afzali]

No. When you're kids and you're fucking around and you're making dumb decisions, but he.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was finishing inside of you.

[Jovan Afzali]

I'm aware.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You didn't notice that?

[Jovan Afzali]

There's this weird thing that, like, some men will do where they'll finish and then keep going because they're so embarrassed by how quick they finished.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah, the old Florida toury. Yeah, that's what happens.

[Brian Redban]

The old manatee meatloaf.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. The old pepperoni pit set. The old double stuffed crust. The old elephant earth.

[Brian Redban]

Can I ask, this is kind of an intimate question. Do you mind if daddy digs a little deep?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Brian Redban]

You're getting deep. Daddy wants to get deep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dig, Daddy, dig.

[Brian Redban]

So you're doing the teenager thing. And sometimes when you're teen.

[Jovan Afzali]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

You don't have a place you can do the deed. So did not to get too. But did you do it in a car or something? Like did you have fun in a car?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good question.

[Jovan Afzali]

I respect that question. No, it was always at his parents house.

[Brian Redban]

Like in the basement or something.

[Jovan Afzali]

Just in a bedroom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In like a race car bed.

[Jovan Afzali]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was it a. Were there posters on the wall? Do you remember if there were posters on the wall?

[Jovan Afzali]

It was dark.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was always dark.

[Jovan Afzali]

Dark.

[Brian Redban]

Okay. Were the parents in the house when you were doing it?

[Jovan Afzali]

Probably. Probably in the garage ripping cigarettes.

[Brian Redban]

That's why he did. He did it so fast. The parents were there. Yeah, yeah, you got it. When the parents are there. Did you ever do it at your house or was it always at his house?

[Jovan Afzali]

Always his.

[Brian Redban]

Why not your house?

[Jovan Afzali]

It was rough.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us.

[Jovan Afzali]

Yeah, it was a rough house. My bedroom was the carport of the house that was closed in at some point.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Jovan Afzali]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I didn't realize that the character Jenny from Forrest Gump was based on you. That really is a rough upbringing being raised in a carport.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Yeah, we know. Got to have sex at her place. Cassandra lived in a carport.

[Uncle Laser]

So I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Had to nut inside of her in my race car bed. I kind of sound like Joe White inside of her. Tony, where's Joe White at? Get him up here. Where's he at? Some of you might not know, but we have a house photographer that's 175 years old and he has one of the funniest voices you've ever heard. We couldn't. I have to. Where is he?

[Brian Redban]

He's coming up the stairs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, this is gonna take forever. Wow. My goodness. And how about this? This new man. Wait, where is he? Where's this supposed hot fiance of yours? Where's he at?

[Jovan Afzali]

Glasses.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Which guy? Oh, look at that guy. Wow. Look at Clark Kent over here. Holy. And how about him? Do you let him finish inside of you like you did? Like you did the old boy back in the day? Does this guy do the old dump and pump this guy Common keep going at the same time. Does this guy do the old.

[Brian Redban]

It's called the Manatee meatloaf. I already told.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, the old creme de la creme. The old frosted flake.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The old. All right, where the. Is Joe White? Okay, Joe White. Here's Joe White, everybody. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen. There he is. There he is, our photographer. Since. Wait, don't take her mic. Jo, Jo, Jo, give her her mic back. We got a special mic for you, you crazy old batty bastard. Let's do a version of the Forrest Gump music, but not exactly so that it sets off the YouTube censors. And then, Joe, I want you to say. I want you to say. I want you to say.

[Brian Redban]

We.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We. We couldn't have sex at her place because she lived in a carport. Ready? 1, 2. 1, 2, 3, 4. We couldn't have sex at her place because she lived in a carport. Perfect. Perfect. If Podcast gave out Emmy awards, I swear to God, we would win one. I swear to God.

[Heidi]

Perfect.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Brian Redban]

Perfect.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about a hand for Joe White, ladies and gentlemen? We love you, Joe. Biggest pimp in the world, guys. Not a lot of people know this, but he's the one that took the picture at the Last Supper. He's a photographer for Paul Revere back in the day. So many great things. That was him. Here is a. A big joke book, Cassandra. We're going to give it to you. Even though your set was just okay. I like your energy and your attitude, Cassandra Hartford. Oh, that's what happens when you keep your hand in your pocket. They're not ready, Cassandra Hartford. All right, let's get one last bucket pull up here. We're in overtime. Now. Make some noise for Jovan Afzali. Or Johan, perhaps, or Jovan. All right, let me know if this makes you laugh. Okay, so I. Okay, so I went to get a physical the other day, right? And I get to the doctors and I show them my insurance card, and they're like, oh, with your insurance, we can only check your site and your weight. So they took me in the back, and they made me look in a mirror and just guess how fat I was. I'm like, oh, oh, I'm not that fat. Okay, like, you're definitely gonna need glasses. Okay, so there was a lot of hot girls at the library today, but I didn't talk to any of them because it's hard to be charming when you have to whisper. So instead, I just sat down next to one and I read Eating Pussy for Dummies. And Vigorously highlighted. I swear to God, man. If one more person says I look exactly like George Floyd, I'm gonna lose my shit. You know me, I'm just a classic incel. One time I had sex with a blow up doll on an air mattress. I've never been more out of breath. Holy shit. Wow. Jovan Afzali, ladies and gentlemen. An incredible set.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perhaps more jokes than we've heard from every bucket pool all night tonight. All in one 60 second set. Harlan Williams.

[Brian Redban]

Every joke hit. Yeah, like every single joke. You got a big laugh. So way to go, bud.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. Yeah. Incredible. And you've been on this show before, right? Yeah. But it did not go that well last time, right? No, I think. Yeah. I think you're showing growth. It happens. It's a natural thing. How long you been on stand up? I'm four years. Yeah, four years. All of it here in Austin? No, I. Two years in Austin, two years in Albany. That's where I'm from. New York. Another upstate New York. Absolutely incredible. Wow. Congratulations on getting out of there. What do you do for work? I'm a cook at like a sushi restaurant nearby. Oh, hell yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Well, that doesn't make sense.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sense. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Well, cook sushi dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I guess I see your point.

[Brian Redban]

I think he's lying is what he's doing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. Well, it wasn't my first choice. Yeah. Like I wanted to be a hibachi cook because like it's the only job where you get to throw shrimp into black guy's mouths and nobody bats an eye. But wow. But they wouldn't hire me.

[Brian Redban]

Here we go. We almost made. We almost had a big good ending. But we gotta chop down another minute now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible. So what are you cooking? You're basically deep frying wontons Edamame. No, I'm a prep cook and the sauce guy just got fired today. So I got moved up to sauces. Yeah. Wow. Yes. Sauce. What? Do you know why the sauce guy got fired? It's a big mystery. But I can only guess, you know. Yeah, probably putting. What would you guess? Probably putting bad stuff in the sauce. There you go. No doubt about it. That's exactly what I was thinking.

[Brian Redban]

Have you ever seen a Sauce Squatch?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's. That's corny. That's corny. What the hey.

[Brian Redban]

I'm Evil Knievel. I do what I want. I said, have you ever seen a Sasquatch?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the best sauce that you're looking forward to making? Oh, there's this really good one. It's like an edamame with jalapenos in it. And it's like. We call it edj and it's like. I don't know. It's delicious. Why do you call it edj? Edamame, Jalapeno. Well, I see. Put it together, you would say that.

[Heidi]

That.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Which is cool and all right. But that would make it EJ or else you would just go the first two letters of both words.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Edj. Asosauce. Okay, Yeah, I see your point. Yeah, I see. Yeah, I see your point. I'm sorry for overreacting. Yeah, you're goddamn right, you are.

[Heidi]

Little.

[Harlan Williams]

Little bulldike.

[Brian Redban]

Don't worry about it, DS I give.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

These people a shot, they want to get a goddamn damn attitude. Getting a little joke book now. Oh, come on, a big one. You had a little one last time you were on, right? Young man. Doing my best. Give me a big. How old are you? 23. All right. Yeah, come on, 23. How long? What's the longest set you've ever done? Well, I did 20 minutes on my local Phony Bone once upon a time.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. 20 minutes and he kind of looks like a Red Band. What are you gonna say? Have you do a little set at the secret show. Really? Oh, thank you. That'd be lovely. Lovely. Is it Jovan? Am I saying that right? Jovan, Jovan, Jovan. Congratulations indeed. You are getting a big joke book. Congratulations. There he goes. Jovan Afzali. Very good said Jovan. Sign up again, Johan Afzali. All right. That was fun. There's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen, and that is with the record holding hall of famer, ladies and gentlemen, the Memphis Strangler. The Vanilla Gorilla. The Diablo a la Dairy Queen. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. Wow.

[William Montgomery]

My favorite Kentucky Derby horse this year was Flying Mohawk. I love that name. And I think my least favorite name at the derby this year was JonBenet Ramsey's killer. I asked Red Band if he had a horse, what would he name it? And he said, there goes the neighborhood. That's pathetic. Red Band, you fucking idiot. A morbidly obese murderer on death row is arguing that his obesity will cause him to suffer when he's executed. And that's bad because Rosie o' Donnell says she has a crush on Lyle Menendez, who along with his brother has been in prison for the last 30, 35 years for killing his parents. I know this goes without saying, but Lyle, stay away from that crazy bitch. She'll ruin Your reputation, Lyle. Okay, Tony, that's my time. David, very good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

57 seconds from the master.

[William Montgomery]

So I was three seconds off, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? It was. It was close. God. 57 seconds.

[Heidi]

Fuck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How does that make you feel, knowing?

[William Montgomery]

It sucks, man. I was thinking that was for sure a minute. I was picturing more laughter for some of the jokes, but I was thinking it was going to be right in a minute. But I was three seconds short.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You did really good. Speaking of short, what are these camo shorts you're rocking tonight, William, we've never seen?

[William Montgomery]

Tony, I was on Facebook. I scrolled through. I had to follow these different Facebook pages. And I was scrolling through it, and I saw these shorts. And I'm like, I got to get these shorts. And I got the shorts. I got.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm.

[William Montgomery]

I'm doing the shorts. I'm still doing the row machine. I'm at 50,000 meters this month, Tony. I'm at 750,000 meters since January 1st. I'm planning on hitting a million in June.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

I'm sponsoring Tony. You're gonna be proud of me. I'm sponsoring St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. For what?

[William Montgomery]

Each dollar I raise, I have all these different donors. And each meter I go, they're giving me a dollar.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have different donors?

[William Montgomery]

I have a couple different donors who are willing to do this. Big people who are down with helping children. Sick kids. Why are you laughing at that, you weirdo? You're about to be hooked up one of the same machines, dumbass. When you're dying in the fucking hospital, and I wish I was wrong. I'm trying to get you on the row machine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dude, your shorts look like they were in Cam Patterson's bedroom. Whoa. Red band. Recycling jokes from 45 minutes ago. Nailing it. Absolutely. How do you do that?

[William Montgomery]

How do you remember that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Harlan says them to somebody else and then he does them. It's incredible. He's like. He's got. He's a master of the craft.

[William Montgomery]

It was really funny when the girl was talking about all the death in her life with the car crashes. He was doing good at that red band. You were pretty funny at that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, he's doing good. Thank you, William.

[Brian Redban]

I love that there's leaves all over your shirt. Your shorts there. If you ever need to wipe your ass, you can just sit down.

[William Montgomery]

I know, I know, I know, I know, I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The shorts. What made you fall in love with those camo shorts? Are you hunting on your knees?

[William Montgomery]

Oh, no, I'm just.

[Brian Redban]

I don't Know Tony boys season. Let's go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

David Lucas Merch. You doing a little. Doing a little duck hunt?

[William Montgomery]

No. I went duck hunting once. Tony was the saddest thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us about it. We need to know.

[William Montgomery]

Oh, my God. I was with my buddy Ben Jordan. And I remember we were hitting Whippets on the way to his property in Tennessee. And Jordan was hitting him while we were driving, which was scary. And then we ended up shooting shotgun, shooting skeet. And I think that's why I have tinnitus right now, because we didn't have earplugs or anything. We ended up. He shot a couple of ducks. And I just remember thinking it'd be like two buddies up there flying, and then one of them just disappears. So I can. I'm never gonna participate again. I'll eat them, but I don't want to participate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How often do you eat duck?

[William Montgomery]

Oh, my gosh, Tony. Probably once a week. It fucking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Yeah. What are some of your favorite duck dishes?

[William Montgomery]

Mekong duck, Peking duck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Peking duck. Sounds like you're going off on a little thing here.

[William Montgomery]

Ho Chi Minh duck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ho Chi Minh duck. Yeah, keep going.

[William Montgomery]

Vietnamese duck.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, Donald.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Donald. Okay.

[William Montgomery]

You ever have Korea City duck? Wait, Korea City's not a place. And that was sad. I'm sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love the lighting guy tried to jump in on that one.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, it's trying to help me. Thank you, Dumbass. You kind of made it worse. You kind of made it worse.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. How about goose? Have you ever eaten goose? Yeah, Tony, I never eat goose.

[William Montgomery]

No, but seriously, no, I don't like goose.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't like goose? Have you tried it?

[William Montgomery]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of goose did you have?

[William Montgomery]

Oh, my gosh. It was a yellow goose. Oh, yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

It was chocolate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, chocolate, chocolate, yellow goose.

[Brian Redban]

Do you ever have blue heron?

[William Montgomery]

Blue heron? Yes. I love it.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. Yeah. What about flamingo?

[William Montgomery]

Flamingo?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Never.

[William Montgomery]

No. Is it a restaurant?

[Brian Redban]

The other gay meat.

[William Montgomery]

The other.

[Brian Redban]

I mean, come on. Flamingos. They're pink. What do they even sound like? Quack, quack.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Red. Band's been waiting a long time for a gay flamingo. Wow. Absolutely incredible.

[William Montgomery]

Weirdly enough, that's what his mom was doing. Oh, my dick last.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, serious.

[William Montgomery]

He has, like, a gagging, kind of that weird bird kind of. So weird.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. Oh, she did do that, didn't she?

[William Montgomery]

I'm sorry, Red Van. I've been trying to be nicer, but when you kind of went after the sick kids, I was kind of fucked up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Seriously, you're very excited about this partnership with St. Jude, what are some of the ailments that these kids have?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, we talk in lymphoma. We are talking brain cancers. We're talking bone cancers. We're talking different kinds of blood care. What's the real popular blood cancer?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Lymphoma?

[William Montgomery]

No, but there's another one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, what else? Is it?

[William Montgomery]

Leukemia?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Leukemia, Yeah, a lot of leukemia. How about. Are there any more cancers that you could rattle off?

[William Montgomery]

Maybe a little skin cancer? No, I have skin cancer right now, so I shouldn't say that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of skin cancer do you have?

[William Montgomery]

On my left arm? Skin cancer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're trying to get the parties started here. We're trying to get a little momentum.

[William Montgomery]

I know you messed up with the duck thing. I was trying to think of different Asian cities, Tony, but I didn't work.

[Brian Redban]

What do you got, like, melanoma on your arm? My guy?

[William Montgomery]

Well, I don't know yet. It's just an itchy pimple, and that's how the other one started.

[Brian Redban]

Really?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Did you get a biopsied?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not yet.

[William Montgomery]

I'm scheduled to go in June.

[Brian Redban]

Really? Can I come?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you want.

[Brian Redban]

I'd love to see.

[William Montgomery]

You'd be nice to me in there. I need some support in there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I get scared of.

[Brian Redban]

I'd love to go with you to your biopsy, my guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, what a treat.

[William Montgomery]

Well, thank you. Seriously, thank you.

[Brian Redban]

You're very welcome. Because I'm not gonna be there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red Band laughed pretty hard at that. I don't know if you caught that.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, I thought I heard him. I thought I heard him.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, no, I'll be there, guy. I'll be there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Uncle Laser]

Thank you.

[Brian Redban]

I'll go with you, my guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah. Incredible. We'll do whatever we have to do. If that itchy pimple turns out to be skin cancer, I'll buy you a.

[William Montgomery]

New pair of shoes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

Okay. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. My favorite pair of Nikes.

[William Montgomery]

Well, thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Now, let me ask you this. Let's say you do end up getting diagnosed with skin cancer. And they say, look, we could treat you, but the only place we could treat you is St. Jude's Children's Hospital. And unfortunately, all the beds are filled right now. And it turns out that your plan of rowing for the children backfired because you raised so much money for the kids rowing that there's no longer a bed available for you. What would you say to the kids out there that have cancer at St. Jude's.

[William Montgomery]

I have made you motherfuckers $3 million since January. I get it. You have leukemia or something. But you're gonna have to get out of the fucking bed. My uncle lives in Memphis. I have a dear uncle who lives in Memphis. He can live in his pool house. Live in the pool house, because I get this bed. I'm gonna be the first adult ever to be receiving the services at St. Jude's Children's Research hospital. I will be the first. So you have to leave, little man, and go to my fucking uncle's pool house.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what if he says, please, sir, please, please stop saying that. I really need this bed.

[William Montgomery]

Keep him down.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What if he says please stop.

[William Montgomery]

I'm gonna fucking get my knife out of my pocket and run it along his foot and say, I don't think you want this thing in your fucking foot, dude. Get out of your bed, get into the wheelchair, get into my aunt's car and go to my uncle's pool house. Cause that's where you're gonna die, dumbass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely perfect way to end tonight's episode. This has been, believe it or not, the number one live comedy show in the world. Kill Tony, ladies and gentlemen, how about one more time for the silver goat. Harland Williams, ladies and gentlemen.

[Brian Redban]

Check out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Of course, you probably already are, but make sure you check out the Harland highway, the funniest podcast out there. Without a doubt, guest of the year, Harland Williams. Reigning defending shout out to Jay Styles and Sean Greenberg for joining the band tonight. One more time for D madness. Michael Gonzalez, Fernando Castillo. Rauleo. Carlos Sosa. The drawing from Ryan Je belt is in. It is of Harlan Williams and it is incredible. Check that out.

[Brian Redban]

That art looks a lot like evil knievel to me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is. That's evil knievel. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew up tonight. Oh, a little Casey rocket. It's been a while since we've seen the sweet crab man. Casey Rocket out there touring all around the world. Business is booming. Red band. Check out the sunsetstripatx.com every Thursday secret show. Love you guys. Absolutely. We will see you guys soon. Madison square Garden. Still a few tickets remaining and I'm doing stand up the night before. Me and some of your favorite characters on the show doing stand up comedy at Madison square garden. I don't know if you guys know this, but last time I was there, I got into a little bit of Trub. Trub. So. So it'll be fun to be back at my favorite arena in the world. The most famous arena in the world. Tickets are on sale now. Tonyhenchcliff.com and yeah, that's about it. Live audience thank you guys. We love you. We'll see you guys soon. Thank you. Good night, everybody. It the Sunset Strip Comedy Club in.

[Cassandra Hartford]

Austin, Texas is now over.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. And now a next level moment from AT&T business. Say you've sent out a gigantic shipment of pillows and they need to be there in time for International Sleep day. You've got AT and T5G so you're fully confident, but the vendor isn't responding. And International Sleep Day is tomorrow. Luckily, AT&T 5G lets you deal with any issues with ease, so the pillows will get delivered and everyone can sleep soundly, especially you. AT&T 5G requires a compatible plan and device coverage not available everywhere. Learn [e-mail] 5G Network.

[Brian Redban]

Packages by Expedia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were made to be rechargeable. We were made to package flights, hotels.

[Heidi]

And hammocks for less.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Expedia made to travel Sam.