KT #720 - CARROT TOP

Summary

Kill Tony #720 – Carrot Top

Date: May 27, 2025
Venue: Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX
Host: Tony Hinchcliffe
Co-host: Brian Redban
Special Guest: Carrot Top
Band: Grooveline Horns, JMO (keys), Sean Greenberg (guitar), Big Mike Gonzalez (drums), D Madness (bass)

---

Overview

This episode of Kill Tony is a particularly special one, featuring the legendary prop comic Carrot Top as the guest. Set in Austin’s Comedy Mothership, Tony Hinchcliffe remarks several times how long he waited for this booking. The episode provides tons of improv, prop comedy, quick-witted jabs, stand-up debuts, and reveals the rough-and-tumble yet nurturing energy that’s made Kill Tony the world’s #1 live comedy podcast. Multiple comedians—veterans, first-timers, and musical acts—emerge from "the bucket" for one minute sets followed by classic Kill Tony interviews, feedback, riffing, and memorable prop moments from Carrot Top.

---

Key Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Carrot Top Joins the Panel

• [06:31] Carrot Top enters to an explosive crowd reaction.
• Tony celebrates Carrot Top’s four decades of comedy, with 30 years in Vegas.
• The two exchange lighthearted “prop banter” and Carrot Top’s legendary hair is a recurring subject.

2. Golden Ticket Winner: Martin Phillips

• [08:56] Martin Phillips, one of the show’s top golden ticket winners, opens with irreverent, confident material about Mother’s Day and gun culture.
• [10:24] Carrot Top instantly praises: "Oh, brilliant. Everything you said was brilliant. A funny man."
• Tony and Martin riff about disability in comedy, with Martin painting his own T-shirts and poking fun at himself and Tony.

3. First Bucket Pulls

a. Kyle Roberts

• [16:43] Opens with self-deprecating jokes about teeth and sex; admits to screaming before he pees.
• Carrot Top reacts to his non-distracting “starter set” of clothes: "That is a starter set clothing, straight off of a mannequin." [18:19]
• Great on-the-spot riffing about Chewy’s Tex Mex where he works, living with a girlfriend for the first time, and quirky habits.

b. Jackson Rock

• [26:26] Brings intense cougar jokes, shares story about his first sexual encounter at 13 (to crowd shock).
• Tony: "Pretty sure he admitted to about two or three felonies in 60 seconds." [27:36]
• Admits to crashing on a couch and being a musician—performs comedic original "Jim Beam" about a love affair with whiskey, to big laughs.[32:13]

c. Molly McGee

• [37:49] Former Air Force veteran with amnesia disorder, jokes about moving from California to Texas for her autistic son.
• Powerful and dark storytelling around her disability, motherhood, and military trauma.
• Performs a long, original comedy song about Forest Whitaker and lazy eyelids.[45:29]
• Tony: "You're amazing. This is incredible. You're so funny." [43:05]

4. Carrot Top’s Prolific Prop Interludes

Throughout, Carrot Top entertains with classic and improvised props:

• A “spray paint can with a dictionary” for graffiti artists.
• Gay mousetrap (with disco ball), beer with a built-in light (“Bud Light”—for scoping out dates in the dark), a purse for women to “choose which guy to bring home.”
• On being a prop comic: "You get to duct tape things together and become a multi-millionaire. What an art form it is." [35:36]

5. Other Standout Comedians

a. Jordan Gilpin

• [53:05] Jokes about being 25% gay (via 23andMe), Anne Frank reincarnation, and working at Franklin Barbecue.
• Candid banter about “not yet being allowed to cut meat”, the BBQ line experience, and awkward customer interactions.
• Tony runs a “live BBQ ordering” improv with him. [56:00]

b. Cam Patterson (Regular Minute)

• [63:09] Delivers a high-energy story about discovering his childhood friend is gay and what that reveals in hindsight.
• "When one of them become gay, that's a totally different memory, dog."
• Carrot Top: "That was great, man." [65:10]

c. Law Coger (Door Guy Regular)

• [81:13] Opens with: "I'm in the Guinness Book of World Records... for never yelling gay a thousand times."
• Explores his height with mic-stand prop humor: "I'm exactly one, like, almost the same height as the mic stand." [84:01]
• Talks about playing “semen retention” (holding off for 97 days).
• Carrot Top hands him a “hanger for a midget.” [88:24]
• Tony: "A fantastic rising comedy star." [93:06]

d. Shino

• [93:38] Half-Japanese, half-Mexican glazier who moved to Austin just for Kill Tony. Reveals he’s been to prison twice for DWIs; recently turned Uber driver.

e. Kimberly Coaster

• [103:05] Cougar/menopause jokes, empty-nester, single for 15 years, and can yodel live—eliciting one of the night’s top ovations.[111:15]
• Tony: "Self-deprecating and perfectly put. I mean, I don't think anybody saw that coming. Fantastic." [104:43]

f. Charlie Mack

• [112:19] Giant, boisterous presence from Chicago, full-time comic, children’s book author—gifts Tony and Carrot Top with Adult-written/Children's books:
  • "Them Kids"
  • "Lay Your Ass Down and Shut the Up"
• Admits to losing 160 pounds after getting hypnotized.
• Wins a golden ticket—moves up to regular sets and secret show bookings (the episode’s big discovery).[123:55]

g. Ari Matti (Regular Extra-Long Set)

• [125:10] Delivers a 2:50 set riffing about obesity, a friend’s toilet habits, and the absurdity of McDonald’s commercials.
• Carrot Top and Tony exchange prop bits about fat jokes, Shake Weights, and cancel culture.
• Tony: "Ari's the last comedian." [128:55]

---

Memorable Quotes & Crowd Moments

• Tony Hinchcliffe: "Stars are made, idiots are discovered here on this bucket." [07:43]
• Carrot Top (props): "You get to duct tape things together and become a multi-millionaire. This is incredible. What an art form it is." [35:36]
• D Madness: "It gets tiresome after a while, you know...we get it." [10:57]
• Cam Patterson: "If you're a straight man and you have more than one gay friend, nigga, you gay. That’s what I think." [63:09]
• Molly McGee: "He's not trans, he's just regular autistic." [37:49]
• Kimberly Coaster: "I spread my knees, tumbleweeds roll out. Last guy came up coughing and... they sent a canary into the cavern. He's dead." [103:49]
• Charlie Mack (on his daughter): "She remade Doordash Explorer song. I come in, she go, Big Back. Big Back. Everybody hide your snacks. Is Big back." [117:52]
• Tony (about HEB): "It makes Whole Foods look like a goddamn Goodwill." [76:22]
• Carrot Top (about airline security): "They had to go through it like, 'What the fuck is a dildo on a thing...?' Oh, it's Carrot Top." [51:24]
• Carrot Top (reflecting): "Honestly. And I'm not just saying this. You guys are an awesome crowd, man." [135:33]

---

Carrot Top: Prop Comedy Sampler

Carrot Top delivers his signature props throughout:

• Spray paint can with a dictionary: “So they spell graffiti right.”
• Gay mousetrap: “It’s a disco ball mousetrap—classic.”
• Beer with a built-in light: “So you can see who you’re hitting on. Bud Light gets it.”
• Pacifier for ugly babies: “Not all are winners.”
• Piggy bank for gay guys & hanger for short people: Custom-tailored for the comics on stage.

---

Special/Memorable Segments with Timestamps

| Time | Segment/Event | |---------------|--------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 06:30 | Carrot Top big intro, panel banter begins | | 08:56 | Martin Phillips Kills with opening set | | 09:30-13:00 | Riffing/interview: losing a dog, Carrot Top’s prop jokes | | 16:43 | Kyle Roberts: awkward standup, interview on screaming before peeing | | 26:26 | Jackson Rock's dark cougar/first time material and musical comedy | | 37:49 | Molly McGee: military trauma, amnesia, lazy eyelid song | | 53:05 | Jordan Gilpin: BBQ worker, Anne Frank joke, impromptu live BBQ skit | | 63:09 | Cam Patterson: “one gay friend” minute, story about friend “Tyrone” | | 81:08 | Law Coger: Height, "semen retention," prop hanger for “short person” | | 93:38 | Shino: half-Japanese/Mexican, DWIs, glass installer, recent unemployed | | 103:05 | Kimberly Coaster: menopause/cougar/dry jokes, yodels for the crowd | | 112:19 | Charlie Mack: "Big Mac," author, children’s books for adults, “hypnotized vegan” | | 125:10 | Ari Matti: extra-long set, raffle story, prop close with Carrot Top | | 135:33 | Carrot Top: heartfelt thanks, prop encore, closing vibes |

---

Episode Flow & Takeaway

• Carrot Top proves a perfect Kill Tony guest: his spontaneous prop bits, supportive but quick-witted feedback, and decades-in-the-game perspective mesh with Tony’s roast energy.
• The comic lineup is particularly strong, with standouts across race, gender, age, and background.
• Memorable moments include back-to-back musical acts, surprise yodeling, Law Coger’s “semen retention” riff, and Charlie Mack’s children’s books for adults.
• Tony’s delight in the panel’s chemistry and crowd response is evident, capping off a legendary live taping.
• Carrot Top, echoing the electric audience, sums it up:

  “Honestly. And I’m not just saying this. You guys are a awesome crowd, man.” [135:33]

---

Notable Quotes by Timestamp

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote/Event | |:-------------:|------------------|-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 08:34 | Carrot Top | “Just what they want—advice from me.” | | 10:24 | Carrot Top | “Everything you said was brilliant. A funny man.” | | 18:19 | Carrot Top | “That is a starter set clothing, straight off a mannequin.” | | 37:49 | Molly McGee | “He’s not trans, he’s just regular autistic.” | | 65:10 | Carrot Top | “That was great, man.” (on Cam Patterson’s standup) | | 103:49 | Kimberly Coaster | "I spread my knees, tumbleweeds roll out. Last guy came up coughing and...they sent a canary..." | | 104:43 | Tony Hinchcliffe | “Self-deprecating and perfectly put... Fantastic.” | | 111:15 | Multiple | (Crowd goes wild for Kimberly Coaster’s yodeling) | | 117:52 | Chanel/Charlie Mac| "Big Back, Big Back. Everybody hide your snacks.” | | 120:12 | Tony Hinchcliffe | “Just know I’m beating ass if you let me babysit.” (reading Mack's book) | | 123:55 | Tony Hinchcliffe | "You're a golden ticket winner... you will now be famous." | | 135:33 | Carrot Top | "Honestly. And I'm not just saying this. You guys are an awesome crowd, man." |

---

Final Thoughts

This episode is a Kill Tony classic—jam-packed with unpredictability, boundary-pushing comedy, memorable guest energy, and an all-star host panel. Carrot Top’s blend of nostalgia and innovation bridges generations, and a new batch of comics leaves the audience (and themselves) in stitches. Golden ticket winner Charlie Mack is crowned, and Ari Matti delivers a marathon closing set, closing a night where both live-audience and streaming listeners got “the best fucking night of their lives.”

Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything.

[Brian Redban]

The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, literally, whatever. Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[Chanel]

Hello.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you see me? England, London. It's me, the young king here with the prime rib minister, Brian Redburn, inviting you to the lovely O2 arena for one night only, June 7th.

[Carrot Top]

That's enough. It's enough.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Too much sauerkraut for you? Your hat. Get in front of the. Get in front of the sign, you buffoo. That's why you're not true royalty. Hey, this is your only chance to see us on the other side of the world. Cause we're pure blood Americans. We're putting on an act right now, pretending to be English to get you to buy tickets, making us feel like we're connected in some way. But we are coming. The number one live comedy show in the world is coming to the O2 Arena, London, England, June 7th. Get tickets right now at the only place where you can get them. Tonyhinchcliffe.com and we'll see you there. For royalty waits for no one. Somebody put on some Elton John. You too. Hey, this is Greg coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hitchcock. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Thanks so much for growing Ray Band, everybody. And make some noise for the best damn band in the land. There you go. That feels about right. Holy, what a performance, huh? This is JMO joining us on the keys tonight, everybody. Sean Greenberg on the electric guitar while John Deeson, Matt Muhling are out of town. That, of course, is huevos Ranchero's grooveline horns over there, Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Nachos Belgrande. That's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Big Mike getting a little bit bigger every week. We have a little thing we put his head against the wall and use a pencil. He's getting bigger and bigger every single week. Big Mike. We love Big Mike. That's a good trump impression. I've never seen a Latino do a trump impression before. You know what? You're going to the White House, buddy. And ladies and gentlemen, this Is indeed the one and only D Madness on the bass guitar, live in the flesh. The real deal. D motherfucking madness. We have a hell of an episode planned for you here tonight. I'm very excited about it. Before it gets started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Seems like all the volume's coming from this side. Is this side ready to start the fucking show? Every single week, I book this show strategically myself, all by my fucking self. And I have been excited very few times more than tonight. For this is one of those nights where I knock off someone who I've wanted as a guest on the show since its inception 12 years ago. Every Monday for 12 years, we've put out an episode and this man has never been on before. One of the greatest comedians of all time. Get on your feet and make some noise for the great and powerful Carrot Top. Oh, yes. Let's go. Oh, my goodness. You can always.

[Carrot Top]

There's nothing worse than an intro. This the best guy in the world. Then you eat. But we'll see. Thanks for having me, man. This is so beautiful.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're going to have this.

[Carrot Top]

Mine. This. I. I have two mics. That's how important I am.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Carrot Top]

They didn't want to miss one word. I've got two.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One man, two mics.

[Carrot Top]

One lighter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Carrot Top]

What a hot crowd. You look good. It's dark. I can't see anybody. But you look good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You look fantastic.

[Carrot Top]

I look great, actually.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know we were talking before the show. He's been working in Vegas for 30 years. He's been doing comedy for 40 plus years. Ladies, look at this guy.

[Carrot Top]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Turns out.

[Carrot Top]

Thank you. Great hair. That's a good hair. It's good hair right there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're gonna have a lot of fun tonight, Carrot Top. I'm so happy that you're here. Over 200 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity to get pulled out of this wild little bucket where anything can happen. The whole show's improvised.

[Carrot Top]

I'm gonna let, like, Rip Taylor's act right there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. Just a bug.

[Carrot Top]

Young people don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Nobody remembers that at all. It's. Oh, look at that.

[Carrot Top]

That might be the guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's destiny right there.

[Carrot Top]

That was the guy that was gonna come out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at that. I love this guy. Let's just do it. Yeah, let's go with that one. I'll let you pick the second one since I was going to anyway. This fear and loathing looking Fucking guy right there. I love it. That'll be bucket pool number two. We'll get these people already. And I'm excited for you to see the show, Carrot Top. When I pull a name out of a bucket, that means these people that had no idea they were going on stage get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up. When you hear the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And then that interrupts them. And I conduct an interview and we all talk about their lives together. They go from being a comedian to a guest on a podcast. In absolutely no time at all. Stars are made. Idiots are discovered here on this bucket. And they'll be getting feedback from the great Carrot Top tonight.

[Carrot Top]

Oh, shit. Yeah. Really? Okay. You're sweet. Just what they want, advice from me. Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

it's going to be great. And kicking off the show, one of our greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. Doing a brand new minute. Make some goddamn noise for the one and only Martin Phillips, everybody.

[Heidi]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cool.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

Okay. Mother's Day just happened. I celebrate Mother's Day by impregnating women. I'm spreading holiday cheer. You don't want to know what I do for Father's Day. I went to Canada and I. This Canadian guy told me he came down here, went to a gun range. He was so overwhelmed from shooting a gun, he cried. And I just thought, man, it is going to be so easy to take over this country. Oh, my God. Stick that out before you hurt yourself. Stick to hockey. I've used a gun. I did not cry. The person I shot at cried. Okay, thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nailed it. You killed it so hard. Yeah, okay. Unbelievable, Carrot Top.

[Carrot Top]

Oh, brilliant.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

Everything you said was brilliant. A funny man.

[Cam Patterson]

Thanks.

[Carrot Top]

Really.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He does it all the time. He comes out, he wobbles his ass out here and he just crushes harder than almost 99 of what we would consider the able bodied people.

[Carrot Top]

Wow.

[D Madness]

Fair. Yeah, I'll take it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. And it very rarely has anything to do with his condition. He's not like one of these guys that just is a one note guy. You're like a real comedian that just so happens to have cerebral palsy.

[D Madness]

It gets tiresome after a while, you know, like, we get it, you know, we. We get it, you know, So I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. And clearly you make your own. You paint your own T shirts. That's incredible.

[D Madness]

It's a culture. We were all black all the time. Do you Know any other color?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[D Madness]

You're really trying to make people think you're not gay. Dark color is dark.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cutler D. Madness is my stylist. And I wear what he sees.

[D Madness]

Okay, Sick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We trade off. I dress D. And he dresses me. That's my motto. It says that right above my closet, which I dee.

[D Madness]

Looks like shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What? How dare you? That is not true. That is not true. You look fantastic.

[Kyle Roberts]

D.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, what a fight it would be. Cerebral palsy versus completely blind. That would be a. Once he gets his hands on you, he will not let go. He would play you like a bass guitar.

[D Madness]

My. My mom wanted me to correct you that I have mouth Stewart is her face. So she's dead. She calls you kill Tony. She goes, tell Tony you have my sturdy. You get in my life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, got it. Sometimes I need a little translator over there.

[D Madness]

My monitor subtitles are hard for me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I got it. That's good.

[Law Coger]

Beautiful.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How's everything else in life been lately?

[D Madness]

It's been okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, not exactly a ringing endorsement of life.

[D Madness]

Well, no. My dog got out. It's lost.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your dog what?

[D Madness]

He got out. It got out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He escaped.

[D Madness]

My friend was watching it and dug under the fence. But I'm hoping as this comes out like two weeks from now, I'm hoping we have him by the time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So wait, when did your dog escape?

[D Madness]

It was this weekend. Yeah, I had my very walk inside.

[Carrot Top]

I might have him in here. Hold on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait a second.

[D Madness]

Don't even.

[Carrot Top]

I have everything but a dog drop. I have everything.

[D Madness]

Joke about that.

[Carrot Top]

That's not his dog.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, I think I hear him in there.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah, everything but a dog prop. Fuck.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I had that. No, no, it's okay.

[Carrot Top]

Stop. Your daddy's here. Your daddy's here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of dog is it?

[Carrot Top]

Is it gone? It's gone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of dog was it?

[Carrot Top]

Yeah, it's gone. He doesn't have every dog.

[D Madness]

Well, the breed's called Absol. It looks like a Shih Tzu type thing. Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Wow.

[D Madness]

Yeah. But yeah. Yeah, I'm hoping we have it by the time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good news and bad news. Good news is I'm going to hire someone to find your dog. The bad news is it's D madness that I'm hired as revenge.

[Jordan Gilpin]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Sweet. Revenge will be d madnesses. I don't see that.

[Jordan Gilpin]

Goddamn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you kidding me? Me goddamn dog nowhere. Here, boy. Hey, get your ass over here, dog. Oh, no, he's.

[D Madness]

He's blind to. His other senses are elevated.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that's true. It'll be the first time where a man has sniffed out a dog. This is incredible. This could be really historical moment.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn it, Martin. I hope we find that goddamn dog. You don't live near the freeway, do you?

[D Madness]

I didn't know. Too close to it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That doesn't sound good. That is the sound of the bell tolling. What was his name?

[D Madness]

Andy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Andy. Oh, poor Andy. Rip.

[D Madness]

We're gonna find him. He's gone. He's.

[Carrot Top]

God.

[D Madness]

I think, like, I heard, sometimes pigs get loose and they come back as, like, wild born. So maybe he'll be a fucking wolf.

[Cam Patterson]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Pigs come back. That's true. Red bands here every.

[Carrot Top]

So good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love that the horn player played the actual song. Oh, unbelievable. Martin, you are the man. Way to get tonight's show started. We love you. Unbelievable. Truly one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show.

[Carrot Top]

Great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is the golden boy himself, Martin Phillips. And this is the Barber Gets Crazy Carrot Top. Because this is when we go to the Bucket. So we're going to.

[Carrot Top]

He was funny after his set.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. Oh, it's amazing. He's a star now. We're going to the Bucket now. So we're meeting somebody. They had no idea five minutes ago that they were going on stage. They're going up after Martin Phillips. Make some noise. This is Kyle Roberts. Everyone, a minute. Interrupted from Kyle Roberts. Hello.

[Kyle Roberts]

I went to the dentist the other day. I found out that I still have a baby tooth. They did an X ray. There's an adult tooth that's trapped in my gums that hasn't come down yet. I also have a huge cock still in my stomach that hasn't dropped.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So

[Kyle Roberts]

I'm hoping 20, 25 is my year. I don't know if anyone here likes a finger in their ass. Me too. Thanks for asking. I feel like a finger in the ass is kind of like having to take summer school to graduate. It's kind of humiliating, but it's the only way I can finish. Not good at dirty talk. I realized that recently. I'm not good at dirty talk. My friend told me. He's like, whisper something sexy in her ear. I tried that. Didn't go great. I was like, I'm having a hard

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

time getting a boner right now. Where's your glitz? Wake up.

[Kyle Roberts]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Boom. Kyle Roberts. A stunning Kill Tony debut.

[Molly McGee]

Correct.

[Kyle Roberts]

I was on two years ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you're on two years ago.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Hell, yeah. You're funny as hell. Thank you. You weren't that funny 2 years ago on the show, were you? No, not at all. I'd remember you if you were. But look at you now. You've been working hard at the Gap.

[Carrot Top]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Kyle Roberts]

That is.

[Carrot Top]

I can't. With people, I mean.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it's good. That is a. That is a. You are correct. That is a starter set clothing straight off of a mannequin.

[Kyle Roberts]

Yeah, I didn't want to wear like distracting clothing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, you played it just right, my friend. We need Martin Phillips to draw a little something on there afterwards, give it a little color. I love it. So how long have you been doing stand up?

[Kyle Roberts]

Five years now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Five years. Where at? All of it.

[Kyle Roberts]

I started in Dallas. I moved here about almost three years ago now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Awesome. What do you do for work?

[Kyle Roberts]

I work at Chewy's Tex Mex.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh, wow. The crowd goes wild for Chewy's Tex Mex. You're a waiter there?

[Kyle Roberts]

I am, yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. You doing good? You working a lot of shifts?

[Kyle Roberts]

Yeah, I usually work doubles Friday, Saturday if I don't have shows, and then a couple other days.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You work mostly lunches so that your nights are free to do stand?

[Kyle Roberts]

Yeah, I try to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah, that's fun.

[Kyle Roberts]

A lot of fun. We have some new items in the menu now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us about the new items on the menu. We brought back pork.

[Kyle Roberts]

We haven't had pork in a while. Pork macho burrito that has guacamole inside and as hatch green chili sauce on the outside.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God, it's amazing.

[Kyle Roberts]

Green chili rice is back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I work with a macho pork burrito every week. It's a red band. Wow. I. I hit your shoulder and pubes started flying up in there. Look at that. Little souvenir for you, sir. You look like the. It looked like a gray pub. It could have been yours to begin with. Look at this guy right here. You visiting from New York? Dallas. Oh, okay. Well, jeez, I got someone asked. No. Why would you say that? I'm from Dallas. This guy. You look like a mobster. What do you do for work? Architect.

[Jackson Rock]

Kills people.

[Carrot Top]

Wow, look at him. Kills people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's got a Look an architect.

[Carrot Top]

I need. Wait, I need to do something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on. Yeah, here we go.

[Jordan Gilpin]

No, cuz I. He.

[Carrot Top]

He. He works at a. What were you working in? Chewy something.

[Kyle Roberts]

Chewy's Text mex.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah, Chewy Text Mex. I don't have a. See, I don't have a. I only have a joke for sushi. When you eat sushi, you do this so you look like you're really. Wow, look at that. Guy going with his chopsticks. But I was hoping it was going to be a. Now I can't turn it off. The kids in the sweatshop make this for me. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know how to operate them. I just. They build them. I come up with them and they build them. But look at that. That took engineering. Look at that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is un. My dad.

[Carrot Top]

My dad worked at NASA. This is what I got.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's going to be time.

[Carrot Top]

I have.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's going to be so funny in a half. In a half an hour when I ask somebody what they do for work and they're like, I work at a sushi restaurant. You be like, I wasted it on the Mexican restaurant guy.

[Carrot Top]

I gotta find something Mexican. Yeah, I might. Wait, I do have something. Hold on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I love this.

[Cam Patterson]

All right, people.

[Carrot Top]

People misspell. People misspell. This is so old, I forgot the joke. People misspell graffiti on walls all the time. Right? So they should have.

[Brian Redban]

Hold on.

[Carrot Top]

Can I do my. Yeah, this might work. So this is a spray paint can that has a dictionary so they get it right when they get done. You're like, what the.

[Law Coger]

Hey, look.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yes.

[Carrot Top]

Eat more posse. Wait, the. Wait, no, that's not. No, that's stupid. They're all stupid. That.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yes. This is exactly what the.

[Carrot Top]

I wanted all duct tape together. That is by the. That was a. It was a spray pink hand with a dictionary on it. No, I'm sorry. I had to. I had to, I had to, I had to. Do you have the braille version? Yeah, yeah, I might. I might actually. No, we'll wait. We'll wait.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Kyle.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah, right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Kyle, don't ask so many questions. So what do you do for fun, Kyle?

[Kyle Roberts]

Well, I have a lovely girlfriend. We're about to move in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, about to move in. Have you lived with a girl before?

[Kyle Roberts]

Well, I've like, stayed over at her apartment, but not before that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. But you've never lived together. You've stayed over a girl's house? How old are you, Kyle?

[Kyle Roberts]

How old am I?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Kyle Roberts]

I'm 31.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

31. So this will be your first time living with a girl?

[Kyle Roberts]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you have any weird habits that you're kind of nervous about them?

[Carrot Top]

Have any weird habits?

[Kyle Roberts]

Well, she doesn't. I sometimes, like, scream before I pee. I don't know why, but like, not like a. Like a blood curdling woman, just like.

[Molly McGee]

Ah.

[Kyle Roberts]

Like. Do you not. Some people sigh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You scream before you pee. Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

Jesus.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. In Pain or just for fun is like.

[Kyle Roberts]

I really like. I don't know. I like peeing. I don't know. I'm just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's an excellent excited scream.

[Kyle Roberts]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

Does it burn or something or.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why you.

[Kyle Roberts]

No, you know, this is incredible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you scream before you pee? How about when you stay at her place? Have you noticed anything weird about her? Does she have, you know, any weird. Anything stand out to you? Women. Women. Women can be, you know, I mean, just from my experience, they can make the bathroom a little messy. They put their. Everywhere. Are you ready to have an actual female roommate?

[Kyle Roberts]

I think so. I mean, we spend a lot of time together. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is she alive? The way you're answering these questions?

[Kyle Roberts]

She's at Chewy right now. She's working.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We spend a lot of time together. She pretty much does whatever I want her to do.

[Kyle Roberts]

It's. It's. Everyone's consenting. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible. What does she do for work?

[Kyle Roberts]

She works at Chewy.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah, she works at Chew.

[Kyle Roberts]

That's how we met. So Chewy's love story.

[Carrot Top]

She's the manager.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Incredible, man. Do you have any pets or anything?

[Kyle Roberts]

She has a cat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She has a cat. You're gonna be living with a cat, too? Yeah. How do you feel about this?

[Kyle Roberts]

I mean, I usually just forget it's

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

there when, like, does the cat like you?

[Carrot Top]

Have you seen a lost dog? We've been looking for a dog. There's a cat now we're looking for a dog. I have a cat joke. No, I don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is incredible. So it's going to be your first time living with a girl. You're excited. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom? You seem like a real creepazoid, so I'm excited to find out. Is there something bed?

[Carrot Top]

I come every time.

[Kyle Roberts]

I just try to make up for, like, a lack of, like, talent, maybe with just, like, enthusiasm, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. If you scream before you pee, I can't imagine what you do before you come.

[Carrot Top]

You probably same as a sound effect guy when he needs you in the room. When he's. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What would it be? What would the sound with the big.

[Carrot Top]

Right before you come?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[Cam Patterson]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Kyle Roberts. A hell of a performance. Fantastic.

[Carrot Top]

Very funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Love to have you on the secret show Thursday. Wow. There you go. He's booked. Here's a big joke book. Kyle Roberts.

[Carrot Top]

Awesome, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I realized that I have an open wound on my hand from playing drums a little bit earlier. Oh, we have matching open wounds. Blood brothers. Oh, it's the lovely Heidi oh, my goodness. What a special treat.

[D Madness]

Sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Easy on the eyes. All right, this looks like a new name coming out of the bucket. So we're gonna meet them all together. Make some noise for Jackson Rock. Everyone, it's time for Jackson Roc.

[Jackson Rock]

I love cougars and cougars love me. Give it up for the cougars, y'.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah.

[Jackson Rock]

I love a woman who's not afraid to take away my Xbox. My first experience with the cougar was with a 48 year old woman named Mrs. Lawrence. Mrs. Lawrence made love to each and every one of the dudes in my friend group. When it came to be my turn, I only lasted about two minutes,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

which

[Jackson Rock]

is not bad for a 13 year old. When her son found out, he was so jealous. Now I'm just gonna say what's on everyone's mind. The homeless people in Austin. Not all of them, but some of them I would have sex with. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Wow. There it is. Jackson Rock with an absolutely frightening set. Pretty sure he admitted to about two or three felonies in 60 seconds there.

[Carrot Top]

Works for the government. He'll have you heal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Wow. Jackson, how long you been doing standup?

[Jackson Rock]

It's my first time ever telling.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Okay. How old are you?

[Jackson Rock]

I'm 26.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

26. How many times have you signed up for the show?

[Jackson Rock]

I signed up once back in like October 2023.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And this is your second time? October 2023?

[Jackson Rock]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you haven't signed up since then? No. This is your second time and you decided in between October 2023 and now to not practice anywhere whatsoever. Your thought was I'll just go in there, come out guns ablazing, looking like a out of work magician, and I'm just gonna take over this. Seen by storm.

[Jackson Rock]

Just had to say it, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, all right. What makes you think homeless people would want to have sex with you? They tend to consider that really good sense of humor.

[Carrot Top]

I got a home.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You could. We don't know that for a fact. Do you have a home, Jackson?

[Jackson Rock]

I do have a home.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is it like?

[Jackson Rock]

Well, actually I. I'm crashing on a couch right now, cuz my lease just ended.

[Heidi]

Listen, listen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My le.

[Jackson Rock]

My lease just ended, but I'm looking for a new place, a new roommate situation.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you're homeless? Took us a long time to get there. We went around and around and around. Turns out you are just as homeless as a homeless person.

[Jackson Rock]

I'm finding out about myself right now, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Indeed. So what's your plan? What do you do for work?

[Jackson Rock]

I do a couple things. Service industry, and then I also do solo gigs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Solo gigs?

[Jackson Rock]

Yeah, like playing guitar? Playing a mix of covers and originals.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. Really? And you make money doing that?

[Jackson Rock]

Yeah, I had one yesterday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You made money yesterday?

[Jackson Rock]

Yeah, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where at?

[Jackson Rock]

Over in Bastrop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yeah, the locals are cracking up right now. That is Bastrop.

[Chanel]

That is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is. For those of you that don't know around the world, Bastrop is about. What is it, 45 minutes away?

[Carrot Top]

About 30.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, sure, sure. On the bird scooter that you're driving, I'm guessing it's 45.

[Carrot Top]

That's hilarious.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. And you're out there. They hired you for that gig?

[Jackson Rock]

Yeah, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you go by the name Jackson Rock.

[Jackson Rock]

Jackson Rock.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What place did you perform at in Bastrop?

[Jackson Rock]

It's a place called Gracie's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Gracie's?

[Molly McGee]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And how did it go? How many people were there, man?

[Jackson Rock]

It's a restaurant, so it's like. Like Mother's Day gig. And it was fun. I mean, people were nice. I. I played myself.

[Carrot Top]

Did you do that same set? That's hilarious.

[Jackson Rock]

It killed, dude.

[Carrot Top]

13 year old or a soldier.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

People are like, this is a worst Mother's Day restaurant meal I've ever had.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah, I'll be back on Father's Day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Love it. Jackson, what's your. What's your, like, best original, you think? What would that. What's the name of that? What's it about?

[Jackson Rock]

I have one that a lot of people like called Jim Beam.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jim Beam?

[Jake Coulter]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And that's about drinking Jim Beam.

[Jackson Rock]

It's about a homosexual relationship with Jim Beam.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love this idea. I love this idea. Sean Greenberg. Is there any. Wait, we have an actual. Is that thing tuned? It is. Okay, Heidi, can you bring out the Kill Tony official guitar? I want to see. Oh, look, she was ready. You know, she is. She is as smart as she is stunning. A lot of people wouldn't guess that. A lot of people that just watch the show would probably guess she's a real bag of rocks, but I'm telling you, she's a genius. She has the best spirit. She's fun to hang out with. She's always listening, paying attention.

[Carrot Top]

And she's got a big coat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's a big, beautiful giant.

[Carrot Top]

Oh, look, Rick Springfield, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, so you're gonna sing it and you're gonna play it, right? And you're sure it's an original, right? Because we can't set off the YouTube algorithm music thing, or else we have to pay whoever the actually wrote the song that you're doing. You got it?

[Jackson Rock]

I got it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You nervous, Sweet home? It's just like playing at Gracie's in Bastrop, except there's just another few more million people watching. Give us a spotlight, Keno. And here he is making his Kill Tony music debut with his hit song, all the Way From Bastrop. This is Jackson Rock playing Jim Beam. There's a man

[Jackson Rock]

who always treats me right he holds my doors he never snores he helps me sleep at night There's a man

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

who changed my life the first time that he kissed my

[Jackson Rock]

lips he never been he's always in my dreams his name is Jim Beam

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

he's all been a friend of me

[Jackson Rock]

I never seen him lying, cheat and travel the streets we spent the night

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

in jail his name is Jim Bab it's all been a friend of l

[Jackson Rock]

try to fool the street he always pays my bill and buys me weed

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

all right, Jackson Rock. Turns out you're a musician, Jackson.

[Carrot Top]

Solid ending.

[Kyle Roberts]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

That was great, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. You're also gay, Jackson. I don't know if you noticed that. No, I'm not.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh. And I would not. I'm not.

[Carrot Top]

I'm not. It's like a. What's that? You'll come. It's just a. It's a tendency. It's a tendency. Not gay. It's his tendency. It's not gay once you're. It's not my joke. It's not my joke. It's a Louis CK's joke.

[Heidi]

What?

[Carrot Top]

It's sucking a cock.

[D Madness]

He's like.

[Carrot Top]

It's like something about that. And then he says, once you've got your hand on it, you're committed. It's a fucking. It's a cock in your mouth, Jackson.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You say you're not gay, but let me ask you this. What's the gayest thing you've ever done, Jackson?

[Jackson Rock]

I spooned with one of my homies one time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. I love that. That's very honest. It was a very quick answer. I loved that. What was the circumstances of the spooning? You guys were just in the mood.

[Jackson Rock]

We were just bowling. Just hanging out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you were what?

[Jackson Rock]

We're just hanging out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What'd you say?

[Heidi]

The pooling Boolean.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bullen.

[Jackson Rock]

I'm from Atlanta. It's like Atlanta slang.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does that mean, Bullen?

[Jackson Rock]

Like ballin', but chillin.

[Kyle Roberts]

But.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But. Oh, you're gay.

[Carrot Top]

Between.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, between.

[Carrot Top]

Bowling.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm getting word from the officials.

[Carrot Top]

It's a mixture of bowling and bowling.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

After review of the play.

[Carrot Top]

Can I Do my. I have a joke.

[Jake Coulter]

I have a prop.

[Carrot Top]

I have a prop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have a prop. Oh, let's go.

[Carrot Top]

It's a. It's a. It's a mousetrap to get gay mice. See, The classic. The classic. The classic. I mean, God. Oh, that's a classic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're awesome.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah, I'm very. I am very. I have no life, is what I am.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You get to duct tape things together and become a multi millionaire. This is incredible. What an art form it is. You are.

[Carrot Top]

I really did find. I found a mousetrap at Home Depot, and then I found a mirrorball. And I was like, well, there's got to be a joke. And the lady ringing me up was like, is this going to be one of your jokes? I see. It's a gay mousetrap. And she's like, it's great. I just. Gonna fucking kill. Gonna be great on. Gonna be great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So fucking cool. Sorry. This is awesome.

[Carrot Top]

It set me up, though. Had a good one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was like, I love it. That's true. I could tell he's drawn to the disco ball. I can see what he's looking at.

[Carrot Top]

I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Somebody wants the cheese, huh? Yeah. Jackson. So is this what you want to do? Is stand up, something you want to do? Or did you just want to. Come on, Kil. Tony.

[Jackson Rock]

One time, I just had to. I feel like it should be a rite of passage in Austin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you. What do you mean exactly?

[Jackson Rock]

I don't know. I moved here, and I'm a fan of the show, and it scared the shit out of me to sign up. And I like to do things that scare me, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Like hook up with a woman.

[Carrot Top]

You were too quick. I was ready.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, Jackson, congratulations. Here's a little joke book.

[Carrot Top]

Awesome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You did it. The lovely Heidi's gonna help you with that guitar. I just saw his penis go flaccid. When he looked at Heidi, his penis went extra soft. Oh, look at this little. Look at this little sneaky cholo trying to go to the bathroom. Look at this. This guy. Look at you, dude. I love it. All right.

[Carrot Top]

Oh, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're having fun.

[Carrot Top]

This is fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about a hand for Carrot Top? We're having fun here tonight. Already making his claim for possible guest of the year 2025. Halfway through the show. Make some notes for your next bucket pool. It's Molly McGee, everybody. Molly McGee.

[Molly McGee]

Hi. I'm new here. I recently escaped California with my son's genitals still intact. He said, mommy, am I a boy or a girl? I said, toddler, You a boy but you're a cowboy. Back of shit, moving to Texas. I would love my child no matter what. But if he's trans, I'll say the same thing about his penis. I say every time he wants me to get him a puppy. You're gonna have to keep it and take care of it till it's fully grown. Then you could decide if it's not cute anymore and you want to get rid of it. I'll support that. He's not trans though. He's just regular autistic. It took a long time to get him diagnosed too. Cause he's good looking enough to. Everybody just assumed he was an asshole this whole time. When he was really little, doctors were worried that he might be mentally retarded yet. They didn't call it that though. They called it starting to look like his father. It was only because they were both bald and chubby and drank from a bottle till they shit and pissed themselves. My son grew out of it. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Molly McGee, welcome. That was a fantastic set. Hell yeah. Oh my. What did you just say?

[Molly McGee]

I just said oh my God. Hi, cuz. We don't get to know who the guest we don't get to know who the guest is till we come out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And this is the iconic carrot.

[Jackson Rock]

Tony.

[Carrot Top]

Are you saying hi to me? I thought you were saying hi to. Is that Tony?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right? Let's fucking go. I Love this Molly McKee. This is an unbelievably great minute. I guess I'm just surprised we've had. Not to be sexist, but the female comedians as of late. The last. Especially the last month or so, it's been real rough. So my expectations when you came out were very low. And your stuff is topical. It seems real to you? Is that all kind of true?

[Molly McGee]

Absolutely true.

[Carrot Top]

That's. Well, I've done okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that's. What's your name again?

[Carrot Top]

I'm looking for another. Good. I have another gay joke somewhere in here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm excited about it.

[Carrot Top]

Sorry. Do you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Molly, how long you been doing stand up?

[Molly McGee]

Eight years? Well, four and then I took four years off and I've been back before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In California?

[Molly McGee]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Northern.

[Molly McGee]

Yeah, kind of Central Valley.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Molly McGee]

Stockton.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, we know Stockton. Well, we are friends with the Diaz brothers.

[Molly McGee]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

209. You have a 209 area code? Yes, absolutely. There you go. And what do you do? For how long have you been here in Texas?

[Molly McGee]

A little over a year.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What do you do for work?

[Molly McGee]

I'm a disabled veteran.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're A disabled veteran. Holy shit, you are cool as fuck. No Red Band? No Red Band likes to go to disabled veteran female strippers clubs and watch them roll around.

[Molly McGee]

That's hot.

[Carrot Top]

Oh, God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You get a discount if they have less limbs than a normal stripper at the disabled veterans strip club. It's called the Camouflage Rose. It's in Bass Drop for those of you that don't know. So, Molly McGee, what branch of the military were you in?

[Molly McGee]

Air Force.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Wow. And what did you do there?

[Molly McGee]

I was a dental assistant. Like the least cool military thing you could do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. And how did you become disabled?

[Molly McGee]

Oh, I. I was assaulted and I had my head slammed into a cement wall. Repeatedly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Carrot Top]

Aren't you glad you asked now?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Was this an Iraqi soldier or an American?

[Molly McGee]

No, it was American.

[Carrot Top]

It was in San Francisco.

[Kimberly Coaster]

Yeah.

[Molly McGee]

One of them was a cop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One of them was a cop.

[Molly McGee]

Military cop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A military.

[Molly McGee]

Off duty. Off duty.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What made him slam your head?

[Molly McGee]

It was. It was three females.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, they were females?

[Molly McGee]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what made them do that to you? Can I ask that? Is that a crazy question? Well, it's an improvised show.

[Molly McGee]

Okay. Well, they started it.

[Carrot Top]

Nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, I love this, but I went.

[Molly McGee]

I went for it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I bet you did.

[Molly McGee]

Yeah, I did pretty good. I mean, other than the permanent brain damage and amnesia disorder. I mean, you should have seen the other guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was the second thing? Amnesia.

[Molly McGee]

Amnesia disorder.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is that? What exactly? How does that work?

[Carrot Top]

She doesn't remember. Doing what? Her joke. She did.

[Molly McGee]

I don't remember the question.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. So is that like short term, long term memory loss?

[Molly McGee]

It's a little bit of both. Like, I have some things long term I just cannot remember. And then sometimes I have little episodes where, like, I'll forget like everything for like a couple minutes. Or sometimes I'll forget categories. Like I'll be doing the dishes and realize an oven mitt is in the water too. Like, because I put it in with the dishwasher. Like I have. It's just really bizarre. It's just kind of bizarre.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Incredible.

[Molly McGee]

Or I'll forget how I know somebody. Like one time I totally forgot that someone was my cousin. Thank God that didn't go right. I could have went a lot worse.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, how cool. You're amazing. This is incredible. You're so funny. How old's your kid?

[Molly McGee]

He's 11.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you really did get him out of California at the right time. Shit is going to be little wackadoodle dandy out there, huh? Yeah, yeah, it's wild. I love It. So how do you like Austin? What do you do for fun here?

[Molly McGee]

Well, so I live near New Braunfels, so, like, right between here and San Antonio, so I can do comedy either direction. And I love it. I like it over there. It's chill. Yeah, I'm like a small town kind of girl.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have a boyfriend?

[Kimberly Coaster]

Nope.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you sure? Do you just not remember him right now?

[Molly McGee]

I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right now.

[Molly McGee]

Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

he's watching the show. Like, what the.

[Molly McGee]

I mean, I could use that. If I ever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Swear to God, I'm a nice lady, but you ever forget about me again, you're going back in the cement wall.

[Molly McGee]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Oh. Oh, come on. Too soon?

[Molly McGee]

I have a fun fact about me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. Let's do it.

[Molly McGee]

I also do comedy songs, too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you have. Do you play guitar? You just go solo play guitar and

[Molly McGee]

I. I have it somewhere. They have it in the back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You brought a guitar? Heidi. Oh, my God. What a special fucking. What a special treat this is. How many times have you signed up for the show?

[Molly McGee]

Tons.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tons.

[Molly McGee]

Tons.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you give me a ballpark? Since you got.

[Molly McGee]

I'd say almost every 10 or 15. I mean, I have an amnesia disorder, so let's say.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, you are correct. That'll work for pretty much.

[Molly McGee]

Does that sound like a good number?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And this is your first time? Do you always bring the guitar when you sign up?

[Molly McGee]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Molly McGee]

I love this thing around.

[Carrot Top]

I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you have a name for your guitar?

[Carrot Top]

Carrot Top?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amnesia Jenkins. All right, well, this is.

[Molly McGee]

I didn't want to bring it out because I don't want to be presumptuous.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness gracious. We just heard your brain waves on the microphone there for a second, ladies and gentlemen.

[Carrot Top]

Gentlemen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the song you're gonna play for us? It's an original, right? Because we can't do covers. What's it called?

[Carrot Top]

It's called Jack Daniels, I love you. You set me up. He set me up.

[Molly McGee]

So it's kind of important. It's. Hi. So I have a lazy eyelid. And a lot of you may not realize this, but the lazy eyelid community is very underrepresented in Hollywood. There's really only one reason for that, which is we've had a megastar on top for several decades who stopped at nothing to hold the rest of us back. That ends today. Forest Whitaker,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Spotlight.

[Molly McGee]

I'm Whittier, and I'm your nemesis, Forest Whitaker. When I was a little girl, I used to get bullied for having a lazy eyelid. They Called me Quasimodo Sloth from Goonies. Rocky after the fight. And I used to cry the whole way home. And I'd be happy because I turned the TV in the. There was my hero, Lisa Left Eye from tlc. She used to celebrate having a lazy eyelid. But then she died of unnatural and unexpected circumstances. Rest in peace. Legally, I'm not saying Forest Whitaker had a thing to do with it. I'm just saying it's pretty freakin convenient. And Forest Whitaker. You think we didn't notice that Biggie Smalls was part of the lazy eyelid community?

[Carrot Top]

Was.

[Molly McGee]

They never did find his killer, did they? It's almost as if the detective was so close to the case he couldn't see the forest through the trees. Not even with two good eyes. How many children won't be oppressed anymore when you fall when you fall how many lazy eyed stars will be born when you fall when you fall. Forest whitaker. You had the chance to show the world it's not just you. There's more of us out here. We're talented. We could do things. Instead he's out here acting like y' all need him to normalize. Normal eyes. Also known as I. Typical. And Forest Whitaker. Seen you waltzing around the Star wars universe in Rogue One trying to send us a message that you're gonna be the only one in the future with a lazy eyelid. Clearly he wants total annihilation. But not on my watch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a long song.

[Molly McGee]

Not even. With two good eyes. How many children Children won't be oppressed anymore when you fall, when you fall how many lazy eyes Stars will be born when you. I'm your nemesis. Your move, Forest Whitaker. Your move.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Molly McGee. Molly, you are cool as. Song's a little long. Little Pink Floyd esque.

[Carrot Top]

I didn't realize Melon camp song is like.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She was like. Shine on you crazy eyelids over here. It's like a 14 minute long.

[Molly McGee]

I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Start slow, goes back to the chorus twice.

[Carrot Top]

Whitaker's pass, by the way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. If a song. If a song falls in the. Forest Whitaker.

[Carrot Top]

All right.

[Molly McGee]

In my defense, that was after several decades of oppression. So that's a long song.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I get it. You think your eyelids are lazy. You should see D Madness's actual eyeballs. They are the laziest eyeballs. They've done nothing his entire life.

[Molly McGee]

That song's called Run Forest Run. Just everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. You are such a cool person. I love your style. Molly McGee. You're leaving here with the big joke books. Write it right. Another Minute. Come up, sign up again. Okay. There you go. She caught it. Molly McGee, everybody. How fun. Two musical guests in a row plowing through it.

[Carrot Top]

Oh, wait, it's time for a prop here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's do it. Carrot Top's got a little something.

[Jordan Gilpin]

When you go.

[Carrot Top]

When you go to a bar, right? When you go to a bar, you can't see who you're hitting on, right? Cuz it's dark. So it's a beer that has a light built into it. You kind of scope it out before you and look, it's it. And there's two jokes. Look, it's a Bud Light.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah, fuck.

[Carrot Top]

Look at that shit. That wrote itself Bud Light. Maybe there's another one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is.

[Carrot Top]

Hold on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. I don't know if you guys all smoke the same pot that I did.

[Carrot Top]

This is a dumb one. This is a dumb one. This is a pacifier for ugly babies. But it's dumb. I mean, they're not all cleverly done pile of shit. You know how much it costs to fly this shit here too, by the way? Seriously. They had to go through it like, what the fuck is a dildo on a thing? I'm like, it's. Oh, it's Carrot Top. That's okay.

[Cam Patterson]

That is.

[Carrot Top]

They really go through it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

I'm like, it's a gay mousetrap.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you run into problems? I guess you're mostly in Vegas, but like, has that ever been an issue, flying with your wild stuff?

[Carrot Top]

Yeah. I was going, people are too young to remember Regis and Kathy Lee. And I was doing the show and I was on a flight and this is great. The same exact trunk. It has flowers all over it. And I'm on this trunk and a plane. I said to the woman, I'm doing this live show. Could you make sure the trunk gets it on? Because I'm going to go live like tonight. And they said, oh, no, we got it. We got it. We got it. We got it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We got it.

[Carrot Top]

We do it. And we get on the plane. I look out the window, it's like four in the morning, and I see this trunk going on the bed of another airplane.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh.

[Carrot Top]

And I'm like, oh, fuck. And I said, that's my. And they go, no. I said, well, unless Donnie Marie are on the other flight, there's like a box full of. So they got it. They got it from me. Just in time. Just so. Just in time to do, you know, on Regis and Kathie Lee, you know, a plate for bulimics. I mean, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God, you can eat.

[Carrot Top]

You can eat. A complete for believe politically incorrect wreck tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So I love it.

[Carrot Top]

I'm bringing all my dark Carrot Top.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. I love it.

[Carrot Top]

You guys are, by the way, the best. You're the best. This is fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is awesome fun, man.

[Carrot Top]

Everybody. That's on her is so fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, we're having a. You guys having fun out there?

[Carrot Top]

This band is unbelievable.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're the. Seriously, we're having a.

[Carrot Top]

You're doing okay. The band, honestly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, let's get back to this bucket. We're gonna meet another comedian. Make some noise. One minute uninterrupted for Jordan Gilpin, everybody.

[Carrot Top]

All right, Jordan. Jordan.

[Jordan Gilpin]

Hey, everybody. I know you're thinking, and yes, it's true. I do have bicycles on my wall. My living room is art decoration. Yes, I do. I recently took a 23andMe and found out I'm 25% gay. That's right. I had a gay grandpa sometimes with the long deliverer, a quote doesn't really work the right way. Right. I went by a crystal shop. Really inspiring quote. It said, it's a great thing to think that your best days are still ahead of you, but told by Anne Frank. Maybe they were talking about reincarnation. Guys, I. It's kind of weird family. Yeah, that's right. They're crystals. Right?

[Carrot Top]

They can.

[Jordan Gilpin]

They can see the future, but they can't Google the past. Yeah, my. My sister is in a throuple with my.

[Carrot Top]

She says with my. I like that one guy. One guy. Thrupp him.

[Jordan Gilpin]

Yeah, that's right. That's right. In a throuple with her husband and my mom. Yeah. She came to visit once eight years ago, and she's still there doing the laundry and raising the kids.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, all right. Jordan Gilpin went a little too long there.

[Carrot Top]

I like that first joke. But I would have said, I'm. What do you say, 25 gay. And you pause and say, okay, 90. You know, something like. Because. Because. I mean, Gilligan. Come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. This is an incredible get up.

[Carrot Top]

That was funny. Fucking love it. I have those same shorts. Yeah, I feel bad. I really. I really. I really have the same legs. We have the same legs. Look at that. Except I shave mine. Makes my dick look leaner.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, Jordan, it is quite the outfit. I'm glad you took a break from renting tourist kayaks to come do stand up here tonight. How long you been doing stand up comedy?

[Jordan Gilpin]

Seriously? For four months. And I've been riding for about a year and a half.

[Carrot Top]

Nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so you Wrote for a while.

[Carrot Top]

You're clearing the room. Look. Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

good job. People are going.

[Carrot Top]

Only Rickles did that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, Stick around. So, Jordan, what do you do for work?

[Jordan Gilpin]

I work at a.

[Carrot Top]

Please say rent kayaks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is it?

[Jordan Gilpin]

I. I work at a barbecue restaurant.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yeah, you want to give them a shout out?

[Jordan Gilpin]

Yeah, I work at Franklin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yeah. That is one of the bigger ones here. What do you do at the barbecue restaurant?

[Jordan Gilpin]

So I was. I was hired as a cutter, but I haven't got there yet. It's a very strenuous training process when you work for one of the most famous barbecue places in the world.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you worked there without getting to cut? Hired as a cutter. You haven't gotten to cut the meats?

[Jordan Gilpin]

Yeah, I haven't got there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The knife?

[Jordan Gilpin]

Yeah, Yeah, I haven't touched a knife since I started.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh.

[Jordan Gilpin]

It was March 1, I think was my first day. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Carrot Top]

You know, got that job, by the way.

[Jordan Gilpin]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

First day.

[Law Coger]

First day.

[Carrot Top]

They gave me an idea.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what do they have you doing? If you were hired as a cutter and you haven't gotten to cut the meats yet? What exactly are you doing at work?

[Jordan Gilpin]

Yeah, so the first two weeks, I was what they call the line position. So you talk to everybody in line and ask them what you want, and you tally their meat number. Have you been there, Michael?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Relax over there. Can we keep them over here? Jesus Christ. What are you having your own side conversations where you're cracking up at the number thing? Relax over there.

[Jordan Gilpin]

Yeah, so I call it the glorified Chick Fil. A person. Yeah, because. Because you're going down the line, you're like, expectation manager. And so once you sell your 20 pounds of turkey for the day, nobody else is, you can't guarantee turkey. So if, like, somebody's got their heart set, you know, waiting three hours in line, it's like, sorry, I'm out of ribs, so they got to try tomorrow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you got to sweet talk them out of it.

[Jordan Gilpin]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so let's do a little thing. Let's do a little. Give me a little barbecue music. And I'm going through the line here at the barbecue restaurant, and I've been waiting in line for hours. And here we go. God, I love the barbecue music here. Oh, I'm finally up in line. Oh, hey, how are you? What's. Can I get some food?

[Jordan Gilpin]

Hi.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Jordan Gilpin]

Welcome to Franklin, guys. Have you ever been here before?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. Cool.

[Jordan Gilpin]

So let me tell you. So I got. I got brisket available. We have our. Our Pork spare ribs. We have pulled pork. We have turkey, and we have our house sausage and our jalapeno cheddar sausage.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm in the mood for ribs. Do you have ribs?

[Jordan Gilpin]

I do have ribs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you're supposed to be out of ribs. I want to find out what it's like when you're out of something. I'm sorry you have all that stuff, but I. I'm really here for the ribs. I've been waiting all day for ribs,

[Jordan Gilpin]

so I. I can't guarantee you ribs, but my guarantee is in the Pink sweater. About 20 people ahead of you. So once she gets up to the front, I'll come back to you and I'll let you know if I still have some. If you're lucky, you can have them. I can't mark you down for them, but if you have them, you can grab them.

[Carrot Top]

Huh? I like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What a up system. Let's go. Regular lighting here. I just. Just figured out what. What you do that is so interesting. So they're deep in the line when you talk to them.

[Jordan Gilpin]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And they're starving.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And they've been waiting for hours. And you just come up to them. Are you dressed like that when you go up to these hungry, angry, starving people? Just, hello, the lady in the pink sweater is gonna eat what she wants. Best of luck to you. I can't guarantee anything. What the. That's just. What's the angriest somebody's gotten at this part with you? Has it happened yet? Has there been, like. Come on, man.

[Jordan Gilpin]

Not too many people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I bet you get a lot of brides.

[Jordan Gilpin]

There was an angry lady who didn't understand that she couldn't just reserve a table for two hours while they waited in line.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A liberal.

[Carrot Top]

Am I correct?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Liberal vibes, purple hair.

[Jordan Gilpin]

No, she was like, suburban San Antonio. So I think, like, she was like, you know, a. She was a country club kind of person.

[Carrot Top]

She.

[Jordan Gilpin]

She didn't realize, like, why they couldn't just, like, you know, bribe me a hundred dollars to, like, skip the line.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right? Yeah. Is that the most you've been bribed?

[Carrot Top]

No.

[Jordan Gilpin]

I mean, she didn't, like. I mean, for barbecue, but, I mean, people. People will, like, ask if they could.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the highest you've been offering?

[Jordan Gilpin]

Offered Me personally, I haven't been offered, but I know people have.

[Jackson Rock]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't look like you would even. You look like you would just take the money.

[Jordan Gilpin]

They'll, like, give me a sandwich, you know, like, is it. Frankly, I give off more of that vibe. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a good barbecue joint. Do you try any of the other barbecue. Do you eat barbecue?

[Jordan Gilpin]

I do, I do, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you tried the competition?

[Jordan Gilpin]

Yes, some of them. I. I really like Leroy and Lewis and Interstellar kg. I tried a few a few months ago. That's really good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't even say the TB word, do you? Tb. Scared of tb, aren't you?

[Jordan Gilpin]

Okay. No. Terry Box is funny because it's always the one that people go to first when they come to town and. And then they come to us when, like, they really have time to dedicate to it.

[Carrot Top]

But.

[Jordan Gilpin]

But I would say, like, everybody's, like, surprised when they're like, oh, wait, like, we went to Terry Blocks and this is way better.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's go to our senior barbecue correspondent, Brian Redban. Is it true that you go through the line, though, to ask what people are getting before the restaurants even open, though? So you're almost like, creating this weird, like, you know, like, people can't get anything no matter what. He's gonna think of a better question in just a moment, people.

[Jordan Gilpin]

Yeah, that's what we just described.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, but you do it before the restaurants even open, though. Why don't you just not make enough?

[Jordan Gilpin]

Yeah, so we open up the restaurant at 11 and we start talking to people in line at, like, 8:30, 9 o'.

[Carrot Top]

Clock.

[Jordan Gilpin]

So by the time we open at 11, like, we already know, like, who's gonna, you know, be guaranteed beef ribs or pork ribs. Beef ribs are only on Friday, Saturday, Sunday. So you gotta show up early for those.

[Carrot Top]

I like that. Yeah, it's a business. You know, when we were comics, we'd order Domino's, right? And then we'd order Pizza Hut. We make both people eat their other thing. We'd film Pizza Hut eating Domino's and Domino's eating pizza. And they're like, no, we can't do that. We videotape them. And they got fired from eating.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Literally.

[Carrot Top]

They would. They wouldn't eat the competition. I eat. I eat the competition.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible.

[Carrot Top]

Wait, I have something for this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on. Oh, okay. I love this carrot top going into the.

[Carrot Top]

These are good. I gotta stand up for this one, dude. Only because you're wearing those goddamn things.

[Jordan Gilpin]

Well, you know, it's hot.

[Carrot Top]

They're skinny jeans for fat guys that way. See, when you wear them, you're like. You look so lean. Retard, isn't it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is the.

[Carrot Top]

I mean, not retard. You can't say that word anymore. This is the best show and tell with liquor.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Hell, yeah. All right, Jordan.

[Carrot Top]

Well, good job, Jordan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fun time, my fun times, my friend. Good interview. Good insight into the barbecue world of Austin, Texas. There's a little joke book.

[Jordan Gilpin]

Thank you all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes. Jordan Gilpin, everybody.

[Carrot Top]

Great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And it's a perfect time to bring up one of the greatest regulars in the show's history. Everyone, ladies. Ladies and gentlemen, a juggernaut, an absolute superstar flying through the cosmos at a billion miles an hour. I present to you, truly, who I believe is the top young rising comedian in the world. Make some goddamn noise. This is a brand new minute from Cam Patterson. Yeah,

[Cam Patterson]

real shit. I have. It's weird. I have one gay friend. One. Only one. I think if you're a straight man and you have more than one gay friend, nigga, you gay. That's what I think. I think they plotting on you and they gonna get you in a dark room and fuck you in the ass. That's what I feel like. That's what's gonna happen, brother. Watch your bumper. They on your ass, nigga.

[Chanel]

Literally.

[Cam Patterson]

They gonna put a dick in it. And I got one gay friend. I got one. I grew up with one of my whole life. His name is Tyrone. I'm not gonna say his last name. Gotta be disrespectful. His name is Tyrone Jones And Tyrone, he lived two doors down for me my whole life. And when he came out as gay, it made me upset. Now, listen, I wasn't angry because he was gay. I was angry because we did things together that two men should not do it. One of them is gay. We did a lot together. We played basketball together, we played football together. Me and Tyrone fucked the bitch together. You understand me? We was in the 11th grade. We was at his grandma house. It was 12 o' clock at night, on school night on Tuesday, dawg, I was fucking her from the back.

[Brian Redban]

She was right here.

[Cam Patterson]

And Tyrone was fucking her face, man. Yeah, and we was high fiving and shit like this. A good old fashioned Eiffel Tower, dog. That's a great core memory for two straight young men. When one of them become gay, that's a totally different memory, dog. And when it came out, he was like, I want everybody know, bro, I'm gay and I like men. I was like, listen, I'm a homeboy. Like, listen, bro, we don't care.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We love you, bro.

[Cam Patterson]

We still love you. I'm like, wait a minute, bitch, I got questions. We fucked a bitch together. What do you mean you not gay? What do you mean you gay? And he looked at me, he Went. You know how I stayed hard the whole time. And I went home and I cried that night. You understand me?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. Cam Patterson with the Brand New minute.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

That was great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[Carrot Top]

That was great, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And there it is. Another new minute.

[Carrot Top]

Now, you've been doing comedy for a long. Sorry. Take your job. You've been doing comedy for a long time, right?

[Law Coger]

Four years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This.

[Carrot Top]

No. Because you're good.

[Cam Patterson]

Thank you, man. I really appreciate that, bro.

[Carrot Top]

Solid.

[Law Coger]

Hell yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Thank you, man. Thanks, love.

[Carrot Top]

Sorry about my stupid dreads. I'm sorry. Listen, he'll stop me. What the.

[Cam Patterson]

I'm trying I with them. They nice. Hell, yeah.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

It's a lot going on, but I like it.

[Carrot Top]

Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Carrot Top]

Thank you. Not bad.

[Cam Patterson]

You care top Live your life, brother.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have a good time.

[Law Coger]

Hell yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Good. Great, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Do what you want to do.

[Carrot Top]

All right.

[D Madness]

It's a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Probably is the same hair as Tyrone Draws. That is the name.

[Carrot Top]

Nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Draws N. Jones.

[Cam Patterson]

I said Jones.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jones.

[Cam Patterson]

I don't talk good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[Cam Patterson]

I don't talk great. That's a fake name, though. I'm not going to say his real name.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, good.

[Carrot Top]

That's nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's good. That's nice of you. People might not know who their gay black friend is.

[Carrot Top]

Great joke, though, isn't it? That's great. Joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was. That is. It's incredible.

[Carrot Top]

But it wasn't a joke. It really fucking happened. Yeah, no, see, that's what I'm thinking.

[Cam Patterson]

It's actually. I actually hate it. I do not like that story at all.

[Carrot Top]

That's fucking funny. It was funny.

[Cam Patterson]

It was some old. I had. I had an old joke like that one point we were playing basketball, but the real story was we fucked a bitch together. And I was very angry about that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. And he was looking at you the whole time.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, that was. That made me angry. After. I was like, wait a minute, bitch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Cam Patterson]

Fuck you got going on, man?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He probably never even looked at her. He was just staring at you.

[Cam Patterson]

This nigga doing great. He's doing phenomenal right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Cam, what's been going on in life? Anything crazy?

[Cam Patterson]

Shit, nothing, man. Just running around doing shows, you know what I'm saying? On the road, having a good time. I was on a movie set recently, and I got there a little early. I was like, on the beach. It was like. We had food and shit. And it was a police officer that was like, on the beach, like, watching the set. And I was getting food. And he came back and was like, hey, man, stop grabbing the food from the movie set. And I was like, I'm in. I'm on the. I'm on the movie. He was like, no, you not. And I said, I am. And he went, well, show me some papers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I said, what papers?

[Cam Patterson]

You would have movie papers if you was on the set.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's crazy.

[Cam Patterson]

And I was mad cause he was Mexican. So I was like, bitch, show me some papers, nigga. Be some goddamn papers.

[Chanel]

You d.

[Carrot Top]

Great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah. Oh, man.

[Carrot Top]

That was brilliant.

[Cam Patterson]

Pissed me off. He cool, though. He a good guy, though.

[Carrot Top]

He cool now.

[Cam Patterson]

We good. And maybe it felt work. I had watermelon in my hand. I was like, it was bad. It was a bad look for all my people. It looked terrible for all black people around the country. Oh, it look really bad.

[Carrot Top]

Jesus.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All that. All those options that are on a movie set that you could possibly eat, and you just had a plate of watermelon.

[Cam Patterson]

They were good, bro. I ain't going, husband. It feel. It feel weird being black. I like watermelon, but it's like, damn. I can't really eat it in. Pull it like that. Can these blood. So I got like. But if I had to eat it, I look crazier. You know what I'm saying? I can't duck around corners, eat watermelon like this. That looks insane. So I got to eat it in p. But it's like, get a fr. Also like, hey, I can't eat walking minute by myself.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Carrot top, you got a prop for this, buddy?

[Carrot Top]

I was hoping I did. You can't top this. Brilliant. No, I don't have that would top that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, that's amazing.

[Carrot Top]

Jesus.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Carrot Top]

I have another gay joke. Hold on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, we love that.

[Carrot Top]

It's a. It's a. Hold on. It's a piggy bank for gay guys.

[Cam Patterson]

He that gave a dog.

[Carrot Top]

That's you. That's you with them playing basketball, guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I love it.

[Carrot Top]

You're funny, egg.

[Heidi]

You too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Camp him. You're a superstar. We're gonna get back to the bucket. He's done it again, folks. That's it. Right in the middle of his show. Great, great superstar cam patterns. He is something else. There's never been anything like it. Someone like him writing and performing a new minute every week while putting it together. The long, long sets that he does on the road. And somehow kicking out a new minute every week on this show. This looks like a familiar name coming back out of the bucket for the first time in a while. Makes some noise. A new minute from Jake Coulter, everyone. Jake Coulter.

[Jake Coulter]

So did Anybody else used to think that bestiality was illegal. Because that's how you create supreme beings. Like. Like getting a dog pregnant creates werewolves. Getting a horse pregnant creates centaurs. Flushing your cum down the toilets into the ocean. I sent it to the ocean. Getting fish pregnant, Creating mermaids. Let's see. I'm gullible and white trash. So the second I realized I was attracted to every mermaid I seen on tv, I was like, yup, those gotta be my daughters.

[Brian Redban]

And

[Jake Coulter]

like, I've seen the Little Mermaid. So obviously my next move was to go get some scuba shit. So I could find some octabitch, somehow convince her to use her magic to take my new kids voices away. Before my new kids tell someone else that I'm their dad and I get charged with bestiality.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There it is. All the way to the limit. Jake Coulter. Welcome back, Jake.

[Jake Coulter]

Thank you.

[Carrot Top]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I remember. Remember you.

[Jake Coulter]

Oh, I hope that's a good thing.

[Carrot Top]

Do you remember. Do you remember Tony?

[Jake Coulter]

Oh, yes. For sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jake. Remind us. How long you been doing stand up?

[Jake Coulter]

I hit a year in September, so about a year and a half now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, year and a half. Remind me what happened last time you were on. It was something kind of epic.

[Carrot Top]

Right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I remember a big moment happening with you.

[Jake Coulter]

You thought I was retarded.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. That's right. That's right. Right. But in an unbelievable twist, you're not. What is your condition?

[Jake Coulter]

I don't think I have one. Besides, like, social anxiety.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right.

[Jake Coulter]

I mean, like, I could put my foot over my head. I don't know if that's a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You could put your foot over your head. Let's see that. I mean, we gotta see it. Wow. Wow. That is incredible.

[Carrot Top]

Now do. Do both. Do both.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you do both? No, no, no, it's nothing.

[Carrot Top]

Then

[Jake Coulter]

I'm sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible, Jake.

[Carrot Top]

Okay, if you did both, we might have a prize for you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for work, Jake? Jake?

[Jake Coulter]

I just started at HEB oh, nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The best. The absolute best. A Texas delicacy. The greatest grocery store in the world. What exactly do you do at H E B?

[Jake Coulter]

So I'm cross functional. So I do everything.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that what the doctor said you are?

[Carrot Top]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cross functional.

[Carrot Top]

Oh, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. And what is it that you find yourself doing the most at HEB with all of these functions that you can do?

[Jake Coulter]

Well, I just got through orientation, so next I'm gonna be a bagger on Wednesday.

[Chanel]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's incredible. Red band. Why would you hit that? That only once? It was so perfect. He should hit it again. I love it. So they told you that you're cross functional. They said you're highly talented and you haven't done anything yet. But you're going to start as a bagger, so they think you're too. This is very exciting that I'm not the only one. I know a lot of you. When you heard the thing, you're like, oh, Tony. But it turns out I have the same opinion as HB's human resource people. Incredible. We feel that you're in the spectrum of all the jobs that you can do here. That's gonna be great. We're gonna start you at bagging, and we'll see how that goes. And then we'll see your other functions. Incredible. How so? How long is training at heb?

[Jake Coulter]

Well, I think it's just one day. I mean.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. Put the things in the bags.

[Jake Coulter]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Don't put the bread in first. Just don't put the eggs in first. Everything else is fair game. Try to keep it evenly balanced. And then put the bread and the eggs on top of that stuff.

[Brian Redban]

Right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Jake Coulter]

I was confused by that. Oh, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, boy. You're in big trouble, buddy. You're in big trouble. Wait, what did. What did. What did Tony say again? The eggs in first off.

[Jake Coulter]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no.

[Jake Coulter]

Oh, it's okay. Next week I'm going to be in the tortillaria.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the is that supposed to mean?

[Jake Coulter]

I don't know. It's what my schedule says.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The tortillaria is a part of the

[Jake Coulter]

heb Yeah, I. I really hope so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Jake Coulter]

Otherwise, that's very mean of them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I wonder if they have special music over in the tortillaria. What are they? What do you think it sounds. Sounds like over there? Wow. Unbelievable. The best damn band in the land. Featuring groove line horns, AKA Huevos or angel. This is so exciting.

[Kimberly Coaster]

What else?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If they have the tortillaria, what else is there? Tell us more. Do you have your. You have your schedule on your phone there?

[Jake Coulter]

Yeah, it's in the back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's like, let's get his phone unlocked. I need the lovely Heidi to unlock his phone. I want to know all the special sections of the heb. I guess I could ask Red band. But the tortilla place, they make their own tortillas every day. Fresh tortillas. The best tortillas in the.

[Cam Patterson]

In the city.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hb, for those of you listening to a red around the world. I know you're hearing the crowd go crazy. You've heard it come up before. But I mean, there really is no. Describing how unbelievably. I mean, it's beyond. It makes Whole Foods look like a goddamn Goodwill. It is incredible. Have you. Have you been You. So you've been physically there.

[Jake Coulter]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's pull up this training schedule. You're gonna get fired before you start.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just to let you know. I'm just kidding. H E B loves us. We have a. We have a mutual relationship. We perform at the HEB center every New year.

[Carrot Top]

Am I getting a text?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does it say?

[Carrot Top]

It's from him. I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What do we got here? Can I look at it? All right, perfect. Let's see what we got here. This is very exciting.

[D Madness]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome to training at heb. Tuesday, no shifts. Wednesday, training. Thursday, no shifts. Friday, no shift. It doesn't. You have no shifts. Here we go. All right, here we go. Thursday, May 22nd. You shall start at 6am and work until 2:30 at the Tortillaria. Friday off, Saturday off, Sunday night, 9:15 to 4pm Bagger. Wow. It starts big. The next week, no shifts whatsoever. And that's pretty much it you got here.

[Jake Coulter]

We're off to a good start.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's. Which is perfect because that's when this episode comes out and it makes sense. It's like they already know.

[Carrot Top]

All right.

[Jake Coulter]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're very exact. Excited about it. I love it. How old are you, Jake?

[Jake Coulter]

I'm 26.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

26. You're just adorable, Jake. I gotta tell you, what do you do for fun when you're not.

[Jake Coulter]

I have a £155 Great Dane.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have £155 pound Great Dane?

[Jake Coulter]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is incredible. And you sure you still have it? Dogs have been getting loose lately.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah, there's a lot of.

[Jake Coulter]

No, I keep a camera on him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Very good.

[Carrot Top]

If you lose that thing. Seriously?

[Kyle Roberts]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

The other guy earlier could lose a dog. It was probably that big.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Tiny dog. How long have you.

[Carrot Top]

Is he here?

[Jake Coulter]

No, fortunately.

[Carrot Top]

Just come out and play the drums. Right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the Great Dane's name?

[Jake Coulter]

Z.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Z?

[Carrot Top]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What made you name him Z?

[Jake Coulter]

I don't know.

[Carrot Top]

Everything was taken.

[Jake Coulter]

I was trying to be different.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Very cool.

[Jake Coulter]

Seemed easy to.

[Carrot Top]

I've got something for you. Hold on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yes.

[Carrot Top]

So this is fun. When you go to someone's house for a house party, you bring this and you leave it on their table and the next morning they're like, what the fuck was doing below at our house? That's for you. Yeah, that's for you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is awesome. I love it.

[Carrot Top]

I was going to give it to you, but I got to fly this ship back to Vegas. I can't. I got an I got to show tomorrow night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Well, Jake, congratulations. You already have a big joke book.

[Kyle Roberts]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, you do. So keep filling it up. There he goes. Jake Colter, everyone. We're going to keep flying through it Here, Jake, put that mic back where you found it there on that X real quick. There he goes, Jake Colter. A. All right, I guess that's good enough.

[Carrot Top]

Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's going to be bread on the bottom of those bags.

[Cam Patterson]

Here we go.

[Carrot Top]

Ready?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One more? Absolutely.

[Carrot Top]

We gotta. We gotta do a better prop. So this is all for the women. Women here. When you go. When you go to the bar at night, you bring your purse. You can decide what guy to bring home at the end of the night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Carrot Top]

One.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at that.

[Carrot Top]

So no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, these hoes love it. Look at these hoes. It takes a lot to satisfy their gaping vaginas. These three right here have an insatiable appetite for number three. I do believe. It was

[Carrot Top]

like a glory hole joke, I think.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I love it. It's incredible. This is so awesome. All right, your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. We know this young man. He's a young legend around these parts. One of the great mothership door guys. You've seen him before. He won an appearance on the New Year's Eve show at the Heb center just this past year. This is, I believe, his first time since then. Make some noise for the next appearance of Law Coger, everyone.

[Carrot Top]

It's Law.

[Law Coger]

Yo, yo, yo. So most people don't know this about me, but I'm in the Guinness Book of World Records.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Law Coger]

My city had a hot dog eating contest and I was the first person never to yell gay a thousand times.

[Jordan Gilpin]

Yeah.

[Law Coger]

So I'm in therapy. Yeah. My therapist made me delete all the phone applications that give me anxiety. Yeah. So long, bank of America. I remember one time I was messing with this white girl. No. Yeah, One time I was messing with this white girl that wanted to say nigga during sex.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. Unbelievable. Lock Coger. One of the great door guys here at the mothership, which all professional stand up comedians selected by the booker, Adam Egot. Doing a lot of spots every single week. These are the people. This is the future right here. Carrot Top.

[Law Coger]

What up, bro?

[Carrot Top]

He's on the crew.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Here at the mother.

[Carrot Top]

My crew's not funny. Seriously. You're fucking funny. I don't let them look at me, though. You let them look at you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You. Yeah, yeah, they're allowed to look at me. Except for D Madness. He never looks at me.

[Carrot Top]

You can look at me,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Salah. So funny. Unbelievable. I love how present you are. The acknowledging of the dumb white in the middle of the room. Perfect timing. That's what it's all about is being. Having stuff to talk about, but being light on your feet in the moment. Absolutely perfect.

[Carrot Top]

So good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

You know, it would be now. Now as a prop guy. Sorry. Now, the first thing, you walked out, I'm thinking, oh, I'm surprised you didn't. When you had the mic stand, it. You said, look, I know I'm exactly one, like almost the same height as the mic stand. That would be a funny opening joke. No, no, no, no. Leave it where it was. Where you're just. You're right about the same height when it was up right there. You say, huh, Look, I'm him. What's the size? I'll stick with props. The other. I'll stick with my props. I just saw Mike and you the same height of the mic and I said, that's a good joke.

[Law Coger]

Yeah, I try to. I try to shy away from the height.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah,

[Carrot Top]

but you. So you open with something like world record something. So it made me think you were gonna say that I'm the.

[Law Coger]

I'm the shortest man alive.

[Carrot Top]

No, no, you're not the shortest man alive. No, no, no, no, you're not the shortest man alive.

[Law Coger]

You call me a short ass nigga, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're all fake thinking.

[Carrot Top]

Just to let you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just to let you know. I saw D Madness. Looking at the ground when you got on stage. The sound waves are coming from over there. Law. What's it like being a short ass now?

[Carrot Top]

So you're. You're his boss. You can say that. I can't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can. I can say 2/3 of it.

[Law Coger]

Two thirds. I'll say the nigga parts.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go.

[Law Coger]

I mean, it's cool. You know what? I noticed, like, tall women love me. You know, I get a lot of I can fit in their back pocket and shit like that, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, you could. You could fit in this purse and also probably be a number three, I'm guessing at the same time, which is a very rare trip treat.

[Law Coger]

There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have that and that.

[Carrot Top]

It's made for you.

[Law Coger]

Oh, damn. Are you. Are you measuring girth? What is that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you are correct. Yeah, you figured it out.

[Carrot Top]

It's a girth joke. It's not a length Joke. That's a girth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's true. Jesus Christ. Which one is it though?

[Law Coger]

Which one is it?

[Carrot Top]

I'm not asking your girth. I'm saying that prop was about girth, not the length. It was about big old dick.

[Law Coger]

Okay, okay.

[Carrot Top]

Which. Which the lady sip they loved earlier?

[Law Coger]

Hell yeah.

[Carrot Top]

Now that you're here, they're like, well, he probably has a big dick

[Law Coger]

with it, bruh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Probably. Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

You ever heard of, you know, white people? White. Redheads. White people.

[Law Coger]

You sound like me.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah. What? Redheads have huge.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that true?

[Carrot Top]

Yes. That's why my hair is purple and green and blue and green. And I'm not redhead.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. What you been doing for fun?

[Law Coger]

Yeah. Tall.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that true?

[Law Coger]

Yeah, I got a shorty right now. She's like six one.

[D Madness]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys go out in public together?

[Law Coger]

Oh, yeah, man. I. I climb trees, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Carrot Top]

Nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Big Mike Gonzalez. Excited over there. Another.

[Carrot Top]

Let's go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you're the spinner. That's. I've never heard of a man. There you go.

[Law Coger]

What's a spinner?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Red band. There you go. Okay. So where did you meet this six foot one behemoth?

[Law Coger]

The bookstore.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The bookstore? That's where you go to pick up the. Yeah, that or that.

[Law Coger]

Or Michael's Arts and Crafts.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, very smart. Very smart. You are smart cookie. And what's your, what's your approach at the bookstore? Do you do the thing where like you're on the other side of the bookshelf and when they take a book you're like, hello, like that or something crazy? Yeah. Ghostbusters style.

[Law Coger]

Nah, I try to do like some stupid ass pickup line, you know, I'll be like, like, why haven't I seen you before? Oh, right. That's because I've been in prison.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. Yeah, that's a good pickup line. I bet that works on all the good hearted women.

[Law Coger]

Yeah, no, it bombs pretty often. Yeah, it doesn't work.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah. Bookstore. I just like the bookstore.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does the six foot one woman do for a living? Law.

[Law Coger]

She's a. She just got her doctorate, so she's a teacher.

[Molly McGee]

Her.

[Law Coger]

Oh, like a professor?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's a professor. Yeah. Wow. What. What is she teaching?

[Law Coger]

History.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my.

[Carrot Top]

What? What? You are right to her. Yeah, yeah. No, I mean to her. No, not you. To her, you're history to her. You're not history to her. You're right. She's. He's history to her.

[Law Coger]

You got it.

[Carrot Top]

You got it. She's history. I don't know the way off on a bad thing. I like the height joke. I thought it was funny. Wait, I got one. Hold on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

[Carrot Top]

Oh, no. I really do. This is great. It's a hanger for. It's a hanger for a midget. I mean, that is timing, right?

[Law Coger]

Is that. You're gonna get that to me, If

[Carrot Top]

I had something in the middle of the interview that I could cut him off, I had it. It was in comedy gold. It was just sitting there like, pull

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

me out of the truck.

[Law Coger]

You made that yourself?

[Carrot Top]

No, I do. I make all this shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah, bro.

[Carrot Top]

I've got nothing else to do. I literally everything has duct tape and. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can't believe you have a hanger for a short person.

[Carrot Top]

You can't say midget short person, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is so perfect.

[Carrot Top]

Damn Law, you need went to Radio Shack and got a thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Carrot Top]

That's how old that joke was. Right when they had an aerial.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely incredible. Law. Anything else crazy we should know about you before moving on?

[Carrot Top]

Before he killed me?

[Molly McGee]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Law Coger]

I've been doing this thing. Have you heard of it? It's called semen retention.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Called what?

[Law Coger]

Semen retention.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Law Coger]

No, it's like, where you, like, like, choose not to ejaculate.

[Kyle Roberts]

Oh.

[Carrot Top]

Oh, I'm not into that.

[Law Coger]

Yeah, you got to hold it all in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They call it curdling, right? They. You curdle it.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the disgusting. Red band. Settle down. Put the mic down.

[Law Coger]

Red band's the nastiest encyclopedia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He really is. And I'm here next to him every week.

[Law Coger]

Jesus Christ.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He always has a term for everything disgusting in the world. Curdling. God.

[Law Coger]

Yeah, Curdling's crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So how. Why are you doing this? And. And how does the six foot one woman like that. That doesn't seem fun for her at all.

[Law Coger]

It's like chi. Like, you know what I mean? Like, you gotta. You gotta, you know, keep the energy inside you. And so, like, you just. I just choose not to do it. Not that that.

[Carrot Top]

You gotta. Yeah, you got it back. We're gonna go a month without coming. No, we're not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What's the longest you've gone without releasing the many children between your legs?

[Law Coger]

I would probably say I think it's 97 days.

[Carrot Top]

God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Wait a second. Stop. Hold on.

[Carrot Top]

Everybody just went holy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the.

[Carrot Top]

Do you mean you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You didn't hook up with somebody? You didn't jerk off for 97 days?

[Law Coger]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jeez. Well, what happens at the end of 97 days? You have to just get a new place after that. Jesus Christ. That's like when a fire extinguisher explodes or something.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what was that like after? And what. What made you finally. What. What happened on date 97 where you're like, I gotta just do this.

[Law Coger]

Yeah. You know, you just. You know, I just found a little shorty.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I gotta ask you this.

[Brian Redban]

Was it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was it a. Is there any chance it was a blowjob and this poor girl is just fucking. Basically bonging a beer of semen? Just. What the fuck happens there? Was it sex? Did you just shoot or.

[Law Coger]

Yeah, I mean, it was definitely sex, but it's not as much as you think it'd be like. It's pretty, like, regular. It just feels crazy. Ish. It's like I met. I became Buddha, you know? Like I. I transcended to another level.

[Carrot Top]

Wow.

[Law Coger]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

97 days.

[Carrot Top]

Well, we're all proud of you.

[Law Coger]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Carrot Top]

We're all, like, thinking that's a good thing. Maybe I'll try that. Starting tonight. Starting tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Totally.

[Carrot Top]

Christmas, I'm telling you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah. And I'm never smoking another cigarette again. I'm done with it all.

[Carrot Top]

I'm jerking off in the hotel. You got me tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, no doubt about it.

[Law Coger]

Oh, yeah.

[Carrot Top]

Mini bar. I'm going in there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah, I'm not going to come. I'm going to drink the mini bar. Yeah, that'd be weird, wouldn't it? Someone came in the mini bar.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

Like carrot tops done killed Tony came in the mini bar. He left the mousetrap.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. I don't know, Red Band, I'd love to have you on the secret show again. Law Coger has done it again. A fantastic rising comedy star.

[Carrot Top]

Awesome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And on and on it goes. The great Law Coger. And we are on to our next bucket poll. It is a one word name. Those are always shockingly interesting we find in the 12 years of this show. So let's see if this one keeps the tradition alive. Make some noise for Shino. S H I. Here's Shino, everybody.

[Brian Redban]

Shino is my high school nickname. My full name is Sean Shinohara. My father, Masanori Shinohara, was born and raised in the largest city on planet Earth. Largest, arguably most interesting city on the face of the planet. Anybody know what city I'm talking about? Any anime fans? Tokyo, Japan. And can I take a second to appreciate the fact that if you'd have just stayed in Tokyo, I'd be fully Japanese right now and not this half Mexican abomination. And what, I'm in construction? No, no, no. If I was born in Tokyo, I'd have been like a computer programmer or Pokemon designer or samurai. Yeah, those are all real applications in Tokyo. Those are all real applications. Interviews are free. Fuck around, find out. You might wind up Lord of the Shogunate, like Lord Toranaga, my shogun fans. But nah, he didn't stay. He didn't stay. When he was 25 years old, he moved from the largest, arguably most interesting city on the face of the planet, right to where? Right to Corpus Christi, Texas. Corpus Christi, Texas. You know what's in Corpus? You know what's in Corpus?

[Carrot Top]

Huh?

[Brian Redban]

A whole bunch of Mexicans. A whole slew of Mexicans. And eventually, right, eventually he knocked up some Mexican. My mom or whatever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, the bear has joined the chat. Hello. Shino. Am I saying that correctly?

[Heidi]

Shino.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, it's good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shino. Hi.

[Brian Redban]

It's good. It's good.

[Carrot Top]

I had great hair till you showed up, doc. That's good.

[D Madness]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love the real feel when the comedians.

[Carrot Top]

McIntyre. Good to see you. She's let herself go.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, my God.

[Carrot Top]

She looks like she should hydrate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I love it. Chanel. Welcome to the Chanel. How long have you been doing standup?

[Brian Redban]

Just started, Tony.

[Carrot Top]

That's hilarious.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you say you just started, what do you mean?

[Brian Redban]

I moved on Halloween to Austin to do this.

[Jake Coulter]

Man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

On Halloween?

[Brian Redban]

It's been 23 monies, Tony. It's been 25, Tony's. Because sometimes you have two in one day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh? Okay, so you. You have counted. I got the braces at home, and here you are. You finally made it. And that's the minute that you had prepared. You had 23 weeks to possibly come up with more or something different, and that's what you did.

[Brian Redban]

It's good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We know who you are. You're definitely half Japanese, half Mexican. You love rice of all kinds. What do you do for work?

[Brian Redban]

I'm unemployed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're unemployed?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you. How do you survive?

[Brian Redban]

I worked a lot before I came here. I was just like, I'm gonna come to awesome. I worked a lot, I was gonna save up, and I'm eventually.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Brian Redban]

I'm gonna save up. Save money.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Saved up how? What did you do to do Construction. Okay. What type of construction?

[Brian Redban]

I'm a glazer. I do commercial glass installation.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Brian Redban]

I'm on the side of a building, 85 floors up on a swing stage.

[Carrot Top]

Oh, yeah.

[Chanel]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is incredible, man. And how much money did you save up to move to Austin. Austin?

[Carrot Top]

I need to buy a construction shirt.

[Brian Redban]

Leave him alone. Yeah, it's enough. You know, actually, you know what? I have started driving for Uber. I was running low on running.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's go back to my original question. How much money did you save?

[Brian Redban]

10 grand. And then.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you saved 10 grand. That was Halloween.

[Brian Redban]

And I was like, you know what? It's going to take me two months to get on kill, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Brian Redban]

It's been a long time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so you saved 10 grand on. And that was Halloween, right?

[Jackson Rock]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you've just been blowing through that since you got here? No, no.

[Brian Redban]

You know, I have savings. I'm 45 years old, Tony. I graduated from Texas A&M 20 years ago, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Again, that's one of the local regular audience members cracking up. He laughs at the funniest things. There's something about saying that you graduated from Texas A M 20 years ago really got him. So you. You saved a bunch of money. What do you spend your money on, Chenau?

[Brian Redban]

I don't. I don't spend money, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's your living situation?

[Brian Redban]

Okay, I moved here to an Airbnb, right? I rented the master bedroom. It has its own bathroom, right? And then, like, after the first month, I was like, hey, bro, let's go off. Let's forget about Airbnb. Let's just do our own thing. So I'm just renting a room in this house, Tony. I've done a lot of things in my life. I've taught English in Thailand. I've graduated from. I didn't want to do any of those things, Tony. This is the first time I've ever had a clear goal in my life. I moved to Austin for this, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You turned really Japanese right there. The Japanese side really came out. Did you guys notice that he was kind of just. So you moved to Austin specifically to become a star on Kiltoni? Have you been practicing? Have you been doing other open mics?

[Brian Redban]

Mix? It's a long story, Tony, but it's

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

so bizarre that people just wait and don't pr. It's like if you went to go perform at the Grand Ole Opry in Nashville, Tennessee, and it's like, I'll just wait to learn guitar there. I'm gonna pick up a guitar when I get there in Nashville and I'm gonna show them. You could do. There's literally open mics everywhere every night. There's like, like 15 a night minimum here within blocks of each other. And you've chosen not to.

[Brian Redban]

I was Doing those, Tony. I did them for a long time. For the first, like, till January, and then, like, it had been, like, 15 Mondays, and I was just like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're like, this has been two months. I can't do it anymore.

[Brian Redban]

I can't do it anymore. Dude, open mics are open mics. I need an audience, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, you need jokes first, then the audience will come.

[Carrot Top]

Roadman.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go.

[Brian Redban]

I wasn't funny. I wasn't funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is true. You're a little bit. You have your business a little out of order.

[Carrot Top]

I'm gonna give you a joke you can do. So when you go out, you have. Fuck, let's find a good one. Shit, there's not been a good one yet. So when you go out, you say, so this is for redneck women, so they can still feed their babies and still smoke. We're going to watch the Price is Right. So the kids. See the kids. The kids. Ah. If it's not working with him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, lipstick stains. You know, he actually has a. He's half Japanese, half Mexican. So you have a little eating utensil. You have an eating utensil that we.

[Carrot Top]

This is a. This is a thermometer holder. So you get the right one. You don't want. You don't want your mom to give you the wrong one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're getting to the bottom of this case, folks.

[Carrot Top]

Check your temperature.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's getting real scary at the bottom of this drum.

[Carrot Top]

You know, the sad thing is I had to make. I'm just drilling a hole in this. Seriously, I'm backstage. What are you doing? I'm just drilling a hole in this baby's. But it's going to be great on Kill.

[Brian Redban]

Tony,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

this is so awesome.

[Carrot Top]

Awesome. You're getting to the bottom of the box. It's getting kind of desperate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's getting wacky down there. Chanel, what's the craziest thing that's ever happened to you in your entire life? Give us something that makes you. Sets you apart from everybody that's ever been pulled out of this bucket before. There must be something that's happened to you or that you've done or something that you've seen in your life. What's the craziest. You're a guest on a podcast right now. Your standup part sucked, and you can save it all right now.

[Brian Redban]

Okay, well, like I said, I taught English in Thailand, but that wasn't the most craziest things I said.

[Chanel]

I've been a bit.

[Brian Redban]

I've been in prison twice in Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Man, you've been with that you've been to what, prison twice?

[Molly McGee]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

For what?

[Brian Redban]

Drinking and driving. What comedians get, you know, both times.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, hold on. There's so much happening. Know you just related to comedians by saying that we get caught drinking and driving a lot.

[Brian Redban]

Not these days, cuz there's Uber and stuff. But my last DW 11 years ago. So like, you know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But what. How did you go to prison twice for?

[Brian Redban]

Well, Tony, you get enough of them, they send you to prison.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many did you get?

[Brian Redban]

I got four at the first two.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My, I got two.

[Brian Redban]

Okay, look, I got two at university and I graduated.

[Cam Patterson]

Right.

[Brian Redban]

I went to Canada, Houston to do south.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Caught a lot. So you drink like a Mexican and you drive like a Japanese guy. Chanel. There's a little joke book. We're gonna keep it moving along solid. This guy's shocked, by the way, for some reason that he got a little joke book and I said his set sucked. He's absolutely shocked right now. Do you think you did like great or something? Help me to understand.

[Brian Redban]

Did I do good or no?

[Carrot Top]

Yeah, you did great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go, buddy. Oh, there he goes.

[Brian Redban]

I like,

[Carrot Top]

I like that. I like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Carrot Top]

I like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, Heidi. Hi. The ginger palette cleanser of this show.

[Carrot Top]

I like, I like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They.

[Carrot Top]

That he, he said, you know, all comedians, that was the best part. Like, yeah, comedians that get drinks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You know, us comedians always getting caught drinking and driving.

[Carrot Top]

Put something. I drank. All comedians put. You got to put the pudding. All right, all right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This looks like a fun name. Put your hands together for Kimberly Coaster, everybody. Kimberly Coast Funny.

[Carrot Top]

That line was so goddamn funny. Drive like a jet.

[Kimberly Coaster]

Oh, when I see a hot guy, I'm like, damn, I could have gave birth to him. Probably screwed his dad in college. You know, I do get hit on a lot. I wonder if like men have a menopause fetish. Like, damn, that cougar could tear me up. I would tear you up. Cause I'm dry as fuck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I, I, I.

[Kimberly Coaster]

You would have more pleasure rubbing your wiener on a cheese grater. I spread my knees, tumbleweeds roll out. Last guy came up coughing and you know, I. They sent a canary into the cavern. He's dead. It's all dead inside.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fucking amazing, Kimberly. That was true.

[Carrot Top]

So good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Again, I don't want to, I don't want to seem like I'm hating on the women. It is so rare that we get a funny female bucket pool. I don't know if it's ever really Happened before where we've had two hilarious women pulled out of the bucket. Thank you. Very funny.

[Kimberly Coaster]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know.

[Kimberly Coaster]

Molly, too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That dry pussy joke really caught us all off guard. Self deprecating and perfectly put. I mean, I don't think anybody saw that coming. Fantastic. How long you been doing stand up?

[Kimberly Coaster]

Four years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Awesome. Where at?

[Kimberly Coaster]

I. I started in Denver. I just moved to Austin in January.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Congratulations. You moved here for stand up comedy.

[Kimberly Coaster]

Say that again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

For stand up.

[Kimberly Coaster]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, yes.

[Kimberly Coaster]

Also, you know, I just became a single mom. I'm sorry. An empty nester. And, you know, I just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many kids did you have? You have.

[Kimberly Coaster]

I have two boys in their 20s.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And they. And they're out and about.

[Kimberly Coaster]

They're out and about.

[Carrot Top]

They're coming up next.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What do they do?

[Kimberly Coaster]

Well, one. One of them moved to Oregon and

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the other one, he's growing pots.

[Kimberly Coaster]

Yeah, probably.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Kimberly Coaster]

And the other one is. He's joining the army. He actually goes to boot camp in two weeks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We love it. We love patriots, we love the army. We love our country. It's good to have a great military. Not necessary to always have to use it. So here we are, Kimberly. And now you get to be, you know, you're single. I am.

[Kimberly Coaster]

I've been single for 15 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Awesome. Okay, again, the same girls that cheered for the big dick purse are going wild right now. Who would have guessed?

[Kimberly Coaster]

I became a single mom when they were 5 and 7.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so the father's black. Okay. I'm sorry, Carrot Top. There's parts where Carrot Top has to duck down so that he doesn't lose his residency in Vegas. Get in your trunk, Carrot Top. Get in the trunk. I'm gonna pull you out of the truck. I got one for you guys you're gonna love. Yeah, it's Carrot Top. I love it. We're having fun here.

[Kimberly Coaster]

He's Mexican.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. Yep. That's close.

[Carrot Top]

That was just like. Ah, close.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that's. That's one. One level. All right, so Kimberly. Kimberly, I love it. What's your name? Date. How do you date? What's your situation? Because you seem like a little. You seem like you got a little. A little feistiness, a little horniness to you. You seem like. Seem like a real. You seem like you have a little fire behind those eyes. Well, I don't know.

[Kimberly Coaster]

I used to date a lot, but I had this six month rule. My kids were little. I would. I would only date someone for six months before I met. Let them meet my kids. That makes sense. You know, and at six months I was like, they are not worthy of meeting my kids. So I had a lot of six month relationships.

[Carrot Top]

Did you meet the guy Earl that didn't come for a year and a half?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, I missed that. What did you say?

[Carrot Top]

The guy that earlier said he didn't come for like two years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. Like curdling. Okay.

[Carrot Top]

Right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So gross. So none of these guys that you've been with since the baby daddy or the baby padre, I guess we would say. Is that the right word? Yep. Good job. Okay, so you haven't dated anyone longer than six months?

[Kimberly Coaster]

Not really.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about just banging? You ever have a good one night stand?

[Kimberly Coaster]

Oh, occasionally.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you hear the pitch that she went to? Yeah, she had a flashback there for a second. Amazing. Hell yeah. You're a little funny, Kimberly. Coaster cougar. What do you do for fun now, Kimberly, now that you're a Texan?

[Kimberly Coaster]

You know, I. I do like karaoke and I'm. I'm afraid to say that because I don't want you to me to sing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I would never.

[Kimberly Coaster]

I would never love Shaq, baby.

[Molly McGee]

That's.

[Carrot Top]

They always sing that thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Love shack.

[Molly McGee]

Love shack.

[Carrot Top]

With the love shack. Sorry, I don't know what the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're in the zone. I love it.

[Carrot Top]

I just. I was Fred Schneider for about two seconds here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Kimberly Coaster]

In Colorado.

[Carrot Top]

I had as big as a whale and set sail.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sorry.

[D Madness]

Sailing.

[Carrot Top]

Sorry, I'll stop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. So what were you saying there?

[Kimberly Coaster]

Oh, in Colorado, like I had a. A karaoke group.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my goodness.

[Kimberly Coaster]

We. We would. We would go around to every.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know, that's great.

[Carrot Top]

They're good.

[Kimberly Coaster]

Go around to every karaoke place and you know, you'd always know the same people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was like.

[Kimberly Coaster]

And I'm finding that. I'm trying to. To find that here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is so cute. You're such a sweet lady. I bet you find it just fine here.

[Molly McGee]

I hope so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's a. Have you been to the karaoke places around here?

[Kimberly Coaster]

Jackalopes. After Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, you need to try. What's that? Egos on Congress. Yeah. You're going to love it. The place is a real little just divy crazy dump. It is just a hot dumpy. I mean it is a as Texas creepy karaoke as it gets. The people there are there every night. It's the same people. You will fall in love with this place. You drink. Yeah, I love it. Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I do. I love it. Okay, relax, you little. There's a dumb slut in the middle of the room. Okay, we're having fun here, Kimberly. Anything else crazy about your life we should know about you before we let you go?

[Kimberly Coaster]

You know, I think my. My apartment's haunted.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, tell us more.

[Kimberly Coaster]

I. I was, I was practicing yodeling and the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God, you're haunted. Yeah, I. I didn't.

[Kimberly Coaster]

You know, and this light just kept flashing on and off and it hasn't done it before or since. And I don't know if it liked yodeling or if I hated yodeling.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, let's see you. We need to hear you yodel. Let's see if you can make the lights flash here. Ladies and gentlemen. She's not gonna sing karaoke, but one of the first ever comedians to yodel in Kill Tony history. You never know what can happen here on Kill Tony. One second we're laughing, the next we're yodeling. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Kimberly Coaster.

[Law Coger]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's haunted Heolo.

[Carrot Top]

Yes.

[Molly McGee]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies. The crowd goes wild. The crowd goes wild. I see my producers are absolutely ecstatic over here. Wow. Kimberly. I'll tell you what, you need to sign up again. This is a big joke book. Kimberly Coaster, everybody. Making her Kill Tony debut.

[Carrot Top]

That was great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So much fun. Let's get the one more bucket pull. We'll make it fast, cuz we're in overtime now. It's an extra long fun episode. How about one more time for Carrot Top? We're having fun here tonight. This is so much fun.

[Carrot Top]

Built it into the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is even. This is so. This is literally better than I even expected it to be. I thought it would be this much fun, but it's literally better to be

[Carrot Top]

a lot better, actually. I got to be honest.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket poll of the night. Goes by the name of Charlie Mack, everyone. Charlie Mack.

[Carrot Top]

Charlie Mack.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. Make some noise one more time for Charlie Mack, everybody.

[Carrot Top]

Great. So much fun.

[Chanel]

Okay, Austin, I see you. I just moved to Austin and this place is amazingly terrifying. No, I've been scared since I got here. I ain't know nothing about this area. They gave me a ride. I said, where we going? They said, this 6th Street. I said, no, I know Gotham City when I see Gotham City. No, 6th street is dangerous out here. I seen somebody get robbed while he was robbing somebody else. And then they tried to put me in a Hotel on 6th Street. I asked the dude in the front, I said, hey, is it safe here? He said, if you can fight, you're gonna be all right. It's crazy.

[Carrot Top]

Oh.

[Heidi]

Oh.

[Chanel]

You guys are just so Brave for sitting in the front. No, I'm just saying that. Cause my last show, I fell off the stage, took out the whole front. I don't know why y' all laughing. The way my body built, I bounce.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. He has arrived. Charlie Mac has joined the fray. Holy shit. Charlie. Yeah. Oh, you're gonna fit in just fine around here. My goodness. For a second, I thought the curtain fell off the back, started floating to the front, and then I realized it was a human being.

[Chanel]

They always think I'm security. I got $20 today.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like you are something else. Yeah, you are very funny. How long you been doing standup?

[Chanel]

Six years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All of it in Houston?

[Chanel]

No, I live in Austin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you live in Austin. So how long have you lived in Atlanta? Atlanta.

[Chanel]

If you want to pick a black city, least pick, man. I'm from Chicago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. All right, that makes sense. You look like both a bull and a bear. So this is perfect.

[Chanel]

This is show. I'm gonna let you live.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely incredible. I didn't realize Chicago had a black bean. Yes. That is a callback from one year and three months ago.

[Carrot Top]

Thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. And still, the reigning defending knower of the Bean is me. Not a day goes by where I don't hear about this bean moment. And finally it comes back for a joke.

[Carrot Top]

I didn't even know the joke. It was funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Someone was here. They said they saw the bean in Chicago. I said, what the. The bean. The crowd freaked out at me. Turns out I was the only person in the world that it somehow, even though I've been to Chicago a hundred times, never saw the bean, never heard of the Bean. It just completely avoided me my entire life. Anytime anybody talked about the bean, I wasn't in the room. I've never seen it. I've never heard of it. Now I see it every day. It's in the news every day. People tag me, and I get sent emails about the bean. The Empire State Building. The actual Empire State Building. DM d me. It has an account. Just like they're like, I love. I love. We love. We love that you don't know the bean. If you ever want a free tour, you and the crew come to the Empire State, though I get hit up by other landmarks because they love that I don't know the bean.

[Carrot Top]

I'm grabbing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I asked. And now it comes full circle.

[Chanel]

They sent me here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The black bean.

[Carrot Top]

That was so good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. I have 432 questions for you, Charlie, let's go. So You've been doing stand up, what was it, six or eight years? What was it, Six years? Six years. And you're from Chicago?

[Chanel]

I've been living here about four years now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What made you move to Austin four years ago?

[Chanel]

Y' all have good crack. No, I'm just kidding.

[Cam Patterson]

I don't know.

[Chanel]

I don't know. No, I have family in Dallas, Houston, and San Antonio, and this was a central hub. I'm like, I can see everybody from here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. I love it. What do you do for work?

[Chanel]

Oh, I do fraud. I mean,

[Carrot Top]

He's good.

[Chanel]

I didn't mean to say that out loud. I'm in sales.

[Carrot Top]

He's funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's very funny. Do you really do sales?

[Chanel]

No, I do comedy full time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, perfect. That makes sense. I could see that. How many times have you signed up for the show?

[Chanel]

Like, this is my fourth time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Thank goodness we got you out of there.

[Chanel]

Yeah. I was like, what? Do y' all not see my name?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Charlie Mack. Yes. Yeah. Big Mac.

[Chanel]

Did you say Big Mac or Big Mac?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Both would apply here.

[Chanel]

That's what my daughter calls me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Chanel]

She remade Doordash Explorer song. I come in, she go, big Back, Big Back. Everybody hide your snacks. Is Big back Big?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. I love it. What do you do for fun in. In Texas?

[Chanel]

A lot of stuff, but nothing. But listen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Chanel]

I'm an author, and I actually brought books for y'.

[Cam Patterson]

All.

[Chanel]

I make adult. Well, children's books for adults.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You make what? Books for adults.

[Chanel]

Children's books for adults.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I love this. Yeah.

[Chanel]

And I brought you guys some.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Chanel]

Can y' all bring the books out? Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Hey.

[Carrot Top]

You're stealing my act.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm sorry. This is incredible. Two each, man. Them Kids by Charlie Mac. This is hilarious. Let me see this one. What is this one?

[Carrot Top]

Ah, them Kids.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This one's a kid in a crib. It's called lay your ass down and shut the up. Oh, my God.

[Carrot Top]

That's great. That's great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible.

[Carrot Top]

That's great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely amazing. Am I missing one? There's still just two.

[Chanel]

No, just two.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, perfect.

[Carrot Top]

I got the hard copy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

Oh, yeah, I got the original.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, that is amazing.

[Chanel]

Read the first page on, man, Them Kids.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, perfect. No, whatever you want me to do, I will do. Charlie, that is. I'm taking orders from you. Whatever you say, I will do. First of all, the first page says, to all pedophiles, I truly apologize for the misleading title. Wow, Charlie Mack.

[Carrot Top]

That is so good. Yeah.

[Heidi]

So good.

[Carrot Top]

Now you gotta see the second page.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, this is unbelievable. I'm gonna read it.

[Carrot Top]

You start with that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm just gonna read it. It's gotta be great, right?

[Carrot Top]

I don't need to read how to read though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I got you. I got you. These kids are. Look, see, it's adorable. It's like actual pictures of kids. And it says these kids are bad as parents. Aren't whooping ass enough? If you're slow, you should know I'm here to catch you up. Grab a belt, grab a switch or even grab a shoe. And if they start acting bad, you should know just what to do. Good parents nowadays, they are soft as baby shit. Just know I'm beating ass if you let me babysit.

[Carrot Top]

So good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, I'm not going to read the whole thing because I want you to sell these things. How can people buy them? Where can people find your [e-mail] funny charlie Mac.com wow. You are a superstar. You're built for this. This is absolutely incredible.

[Carrot Top]

Right?

[Cam Patterson]

Thank you.

[Chanel]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it, man. That's so cool. What else do you do? What do you do for fun?

[Chanel]

I work out, believe it or not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? What do you do? Run the jewels.

[Chanel]

I just lost £160. Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[Chanel]

I was actually. This isn't a joke, but I was hypnotized and I went vegan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. Yes.

[Chanel]

My friend, Hypno Goddess, she's a comedian and a hypnotist and she hypnotized me. I woke up three months later in her basement with no kidney. But listen. No, for real. But she did hypnotize me and it. I. I haven't eaten meat since last May.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Isn't that wild? Hypnotized was also one of your hit songs back in the day, wasn't it? Baby, baby, it was all a dream. I used to eat nothing but ice cream. Look at you now, Charlie Mack. Have you eaten some of the local cuisine around here? Have you been to, like, Terry Blackest or anything like that?

[Chanel]

Is that a real place? I heard the word black.

[Cam Patterson]

I don't know.

[Chanel]

Like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Chanel]

Oh, no, I haven't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, we're going to get you there.

[Chanel]

I make a lot of my own stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Chanel]

Yeah. I just. Banned from HEB and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, another HEB shout out. I love it. We love HEB around here. I love it. Charlie Mac. My goodness. I. Yeah. What the am I supposed to do with you, Charlie Mack? We already have a David Lucas. But I mean, you are fun.

[Kyle Roberts]

Great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We'll just call it. You're a golden ticket winner. Congratulations. There you go. Joining the exclusive club of wildly successful comedians. You will now be famous. You will sell a lot of books. And we're sending you straight upstairs right now to perform in the longer set and the little boy set, the full time talent booker, the best talent booker in all of comedy, Adam Meget, formerly of the Comedy Store, now of the Mothership. Who's gonna watch you do a longer set. And perhaps you can become a more full time comedian here at the Mothership.

[Chanel]

I'm ready.

[Carrot Top]

You fucking did it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here's the big joke book. Charlie Mack, ladies and gentlemen. You saw his Kill Tony debut, the Secret Show. I'm not going to be on the Secret Show. Thursday. He's doing the Secret show as well. And there you go. That's how it happens. They're all discovered here out of the bucket. A perfect episode of Kill Tony. And ladies and gentlemen, what a special moment this is with William Montgomery. Went to go see one of his favorite bands tonight. But in his place, I present to you a young man who just so happens to be the talk of all of Los Angeles, all of the industry, all of Austin, Texas. Truly a freak of nature, and one day very soon will be an American citizen. But for now, he remains the Estonian assassin. This is Ari Matti.

[Law Coger]

What's

[Heidi]

any fat people here? You're fine. I mean like medical fat.

[Jake Coulter]

He was fucking fat.

[Heidi]

I have one fat fuck friend. His name is Matt. Fat fuck. And one day we were talking and I noticed that me and Matt, you know, we have to use the same toilet bowl. And I noticed that the distance from Matt's cock to his asshole is quite a journey. So I ask Matt, what do you do? Do you just fucking shove it in there? And fat fuck Matt goes, no, I gotta choose. So I ask Matt, okay, so if you go poopy. If you go poopy, does it sometimes happen that piss flies out too, onto the floor and shit. Matt looks at me, he goes, oh, yeah, all the time. That's what I respect about Matt. That even though he's cleaning up his own piss, he's like, fucking worth it. And then he goes, you think that's bad? Matt goes, sometimes I come home and I fucking blah. Eat so much shit that I every hole, shit, piss and puke. And he has to sit in the bathtub and just fool Coachella just fucking. Now that should be the McDonald's commercial. Fuck the hot yoga girl with a burger. Oh, my God. Maccas Put my fat fuck friend Matt in the tub of his own shit, piss and pilk and let the camera pan out. And he just looks at the camera, still loving it. Thank you so much. Thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The iconic Ari Mati with a new 2 minutes and 50 seconds. Let the record show that he does it every week. And meanwhile, he does extremely long sets, flexing above and beyond even the parameters of the the show with long, brand new, fresh off the presses bits. You've done it yet again, my friend.

[Heidi]

What's up, Tony? What's up, Brian? Hello, Garrett.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. You called him by only his first name.

[Carrot Top]

You know, I was the one that was gonna wear a Texas shirt to suck up to the crowd, but now someone else wore a Texas shirt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at you.

[Heidi]

Can't have too much Texas.

[Carrot Top]

You're very funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thanks.

[Carrot Top]

Very funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, we've been having fun here all night.

[Jake Coulter]

Wow.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah. What's that? No, I was looking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do we got in there, carrot tops? Anything else you want to blow through before see?

[Carrot Top]

Hold on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is it. Ari's the last comedian.

[Carrot Top]

This is a good one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, here we go.

[Kyle Roberts]

Hold on.

[Carrot Top]

Let me get my mother.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mike showed a black Ari sneaking in there. You better keep an eye on him.

[Carrot Top]

You can pick one out and guess. That'd be fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, that's black, baby. Oh, hey, what is that?

[Carrot Top]

No, that's a great game. Now what is that? You know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Know.

[Carrot Top]

I don't remember what it is either.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you think that is, Carrot Top?

[Heidi]

That's a good baby. Oh, don't shake the baby.

[Carrot Top]

No, that's like, so. It's close, though. It's.

[Law Coger]

It's.

[Jake Coulter]

It.

[Carrot Top]

Well, here, I'll. I think.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here, let it.

[Carrot Top]

That would have been better than what I would have done.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Give it back to car.

[Carrot Top]

No, I just say this is the way you can. You can also make a drink and shut your kid up. Like, shut the. If you want to make a drink. Hold on, one more. I made a Shake Weight that has a piece of plexiglass in case it shoots off when you're doing it. Wait, it's got a better ending. Hold on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Then.

[Carrot Top]

I made one. I made one for Asian guys. Thank you. I want to offend everybody. That's the whole key. You're.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is so awesome.

[Carrot Top]

Oh, my God. Right? Look at that. And I'm making. Oh, yeah, my. I'm. I've been canceled.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, you have not.

[Carrot Top]

No, this time out, I'm in timeout.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, this is the second Coming. Trust me. Take it from me. Getting canceled is a huge boost out here.

[Carrot Top]

You can be done.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You can tell them. I don't want them to find out. I don't want the mainstream to find out. But getting canceled is like a. Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

So I should hope. We should be canceled. I should be done. I should be finished.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah. Ari. Maddie. Anything else crazy happening with you?

[Law Coger]

Well,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you.

[Heidi]

You know, I got bad luck. I was in Florida.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Heidi]

Fort Myers. I found out that the show that. Do you know who Tito Ortiz is? Tito Ortiz, former light heavyweight champion, ufc.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Heidi]

Apparently he owns a bar called Tito's Cantina. And the person from Florida tells me, if you drive past this bar and you see a white Rolls Royce outside, that means Tito's in the building. I drive past, Rolls Royce is there. I go to the bar. Tito, Tito and three people, they're watching the ufc. So I sit down, find out they have a raffle. Raffle. I love a raffle. You know what a raffle is? You win shit. There's three other people at the bar. I'm gonna win this fucking raffle.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Heidi]

I go to Tito. Tito, what's the prize? He goes, it's a bottle of vodka.

[Carrot Top]

I'm like, nah.

[Heidi]

Okay. Then he goes, but the final prize after the pay per view's over. A championship belt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Heidi]

And I see this belt, and I love belts. Listen, I love belts. I've always. I love belts.

[Carrot Top]

I see your belt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm with you.

[Carrot Top]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm with you.

[Heidi]

But it's a big, like, champion belt, you know, I never won in MMA. I'm on 03, so I need a belt. Me and a belt. I need that belt. Three people at the bar, Raffle belt. Championship. So I go, okay, how much the ticket? He goes, 10 bucks. A raffle. One ticket.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a no brainer.

[Heidi]

I go, give me 30.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Heidi]

He goes, what? I go, give me 40. So I got. I got 40 fucking raffle tickets. I spread them out at my bar. Three other fucks, I'm getting this belt. I spread them out to the bar, take a selfie to my friends. I'm like, oh, my God, I'm gonna be a champion.

[Carrot Top]

You know, I'm flying a high five in Tito.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[Heidi]

So then, first round, they pull the vodka. Of course I win the vodka. I have all the fucking tickets.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. I'm guessing a bottle of Tito's. Yeah, yeah.

[Heidi]

And fuck.

[Jake Coulter]

The.

[Heidi]

Fuck the vodka I just sprayed out. I don't need the vodka.

[Carrot Top]

I don't have.

[Heidi]

Carry on. Anyway, I want the belt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly, dude.

[Heidi]

My flight is at 4am we wait till 2am for the final raffle. Those people leave. There's one guy sleeping at the bar and my 40 fucking tickets. Tito puts his hand in the bucket. Guess what? The guy wins.

[Carrot Top]

Nah, fuck.

[Heidi]

Literally, they wake him up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Heidi]

They put the belt on him. $400, dude. Fuck you. I didn't even get a picture with Tito.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dude.

[Heidi]

Today, Tito posts. Our champ at Tito's Cantina last night takes a picture with the retard. He goes, everyone had a great night. Oh, did they? Where's my fucking belt? I didn't even get a T shirt. Look, this is me and my raffles.

[Carrot Top]

That is the last time.

[Heidi]

This is me and my raffles.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're gonna put it on this screen in the YouTube version. We gotta. We have to send those to Red Band. That is so fun. Is it a scam? They have one belt they use every week.

[Kyle Roberts]

I bet.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's why the guy's sleeping. He's chilling. He's just gotta be there. And then they put the belt back up again. Oh, my God. Look at that. Idiot. Oh, my God.

[Heidi]

Yeah, it's. Dude, I would look good.

[Carrot Top]

Dude.

[Heidi]

Imagine today I come out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that would have been great. That would have been great.

[Heidi]

40 to 1, my life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, you know, we've done a raffle here, and I think there's something in there.

[Carrot Top]

1.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's got to be one more thing that you can win.

[Carrot Top]

Remember, we're getting to the bottom of this thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. I love the bottom. For some reason. I like.

[Carrot Top]

Do you like the bottom?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like the bottom more than. Oh, well, busted. I like the bottom more so.

[Carrot Top]

So when you. When you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you. When.

[Carrot Top]

When you run out of gas, right? You look like a dick when you're walking down the street, like, hey, help my. Can you help me get gas? You dumb, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

No one's going to pick you up. So I made this. So you put the gas can inside here, and then you. You hold that and you're like, hey, you want to help me?

[Heidi]

He's got.

[Carrot Top]

I'm just trying to get Budweiser to be a sponsor.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's brilliant.

[Carrot Top]

That was the only reason.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Brilliant.

[Carrot Top]

Well, I already have Bud Light.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's amazing, you guys.

[Carrot Top]

Honestly. And I'm not just saying this. Yeah. You guys are a awesome crowd, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We had so much fun with you.

[Carrot Top]

I can't. I can't imagine. I really can't. Thank you for having me more.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This has been killed. Tony. Brought to you by Talk Space Shopify. Fights AOVAs and zip recruiter. One more time for the great Ari Maddie.

[Carrot Top]

Ari. Thank you, brother.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Future American citizen and UFC championship belt holder, the great Ryan J Belt has an amazing drawing that's in. As always, every week while we are here, he draws our guests. That's an on the spot painting of Par Par.

[Carrot Top]

Holy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And let's see what the local artist Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, it's Chris Rogers drawing Chris Rogers. I love it. Oh, my God. You're really good at drawing yourself, Chris. You nailed that. You know your face very well. Amazing Chris Rogers art. He's in the lobby slinging merch and whatnot, guys. Catch him at Luxor. A Residency of over 30 years. 40 plus years as a comedian. How loud can this place get? One more time for the great Carrot Top, everybody. Come on. Unbelievably stunning performance. We love it. Carrot Top has joined Club Shack, baby. The Kill Tony universe. Thank you to Talk Space, Shockify, Tokovas and ziprecruiter. What an unbelievable show. One more time. Congratulations to Charlie Mack. Another golden ticket winner is joining our extraordinarily large family. And he's an extraordinarily large man. Red Band. Check out the Sunset Strip. Atx.com Love you guys. We're doing a lot of stuff, people. Madison Square Garden and I'm doing stand up there with the killers of Kil Tony. A rich absolute super union where me and the superstars of the show doing stand up together. And of course, Madison Square Garden Night 2 in August. We have it both nights. One night of stand up comedy where I headline with my new unbelievably. I mean, I just have to say it's so well written and so well performed this new hour that I'm doing and. And Kill Tony the next night. A new annual tradition. Madison Square Garden and Kil Tony coming together. I love you guys. Thank you all so much. God bless this audience and God bless the United States of America. Thank you. Good night, Sam. The Sunset Strip comedy club in Austin,

[Kimberly Coaster]

Texas is now over.

[Carrot Top]

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

[Kimberly Coaster]

Go to sunset stripatx.com for tickets.