Tony Hinchcliffe (0:00)

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out Shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever. Shopsquad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hello. Do you see me? England, London. It's me, the young king here with the prime rib minister Brian Redburn inviting you to the lovely O2 arena for one night only, June 7th. That's enough. It's enough. Too much sauerkraut for you? Your hat. Get in front of the. Get in front of the sign, you buffoo. That's why you're not true royalty. Hey, this is your only chance to see us on the other side of the world. Cause we're pure blood Americans. We're putting on an act right now, pretending to be English to get you to buy tickets. Making us feel like we're connected in some way. But we are coming. The number one live comedy show in the world is coming to the O2 Arena, London, England, June 7th. Get tickets right now at the only place where you can get them. Tonyhinchcliffe.com and we'll see you there. For royalty waits for no one. Somebody put on some Elton John. You too. All. All right, let's talk about how Amazon prime makes everything better. You know the moment you're will binge watching different things and you realize that prime has more to offer than expected. Amazon prime isn't just fast delivery, though. Let's be honest, getting snacks or a last minute prop delivered the same day is a lifesaver. It's also Amazon music to Vibe too. And all the things that make life more interesting. Red Band Whether streaming a standup special, building the perfect playlist for the show, or getting new gear delivered fast, prime helps make it all happen and maybe even delivers a few laughs along the way. So whether comedy, drama, or just the perfect new joke book is the vibe. Remember, prime is there for it. I do it all on Prime. Whatever you're into, it's on Prime. From streaming to shopping, it's on Prime. Visit Amazon.comprime to get more out of whatever you're into. Amazon.comprime this Memorial Day, turn up the heat with the Home Depot. Find the perfect grill and patio set to keep the cookouts coming all season long. Grill up a feast with the next grill 4 burner gas grill only $229. And complete your space with the stylish Glen Ridge Falls 7 piece dining set now on special buy for just $499 with free delivery. Take your Memorial Day cookout to the next level all summer long with the Home Depot. See homedepot.com delivery for more details. Summer's here and Nordstrom has everything you need for your best dress season ever. From beach days and weddings to weekend getaways in your everyday wardrobe. Discover stylish options under $100 from tons of your favorite brands like Mango Skims, Princess Polly and Madewell. It's easy too, with free shipping and free returns in store order pickup and more. Shop today in stores online@nordstrom.com or download the Nordstrom app. Sam, it's hey, this is Red Bag coming live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill. Tony, get up for Tony Hitchcock. Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? Thanks so much for Brian Red Band, everybody. And make some noise for the best damn band in the land. There you go. That feels about right. Holy shit, what a performance, huh? This is J. Mo joining us on the Keys tonight, everybody. Shawn Greenberg on the electric guitar while John Deason, Matt Muhling are out of town. That, of course, is Huevos Ranchero's grooveline horns over there, Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Nachos Belgrande. That's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Big Mike getting a little bit bigger every week. We have a little thing we put his head against the wall and use a pencil. He's getting bigger and bigger every single week. Big Mike. We love Big Mike. That's a good trump impression. I've never seen a Latino do a trump impression before. You know what? You're going to the White House, buddy. And ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed the one and only D Madness on the bass guitar. Live in the flesh, the real deal D motherfucking madness. We have a hell of an episode planned planned for you here tonight. I'm very excited about it. Before it gets started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Seems like all the volume's coming from this side. Is this side ready to start the fucking show? Every single week, I book this show strategically myself, all by my fucking self. And I have been excited very few times more than tonight. For this is one of those nights where I Knock off someone who I've wanted as a guest on the show since its inception 12 years ago. Every Monday for 12 years, we've put out an episode and this man has never been on before. One of the greatest comedians of all time. Get on your feet and make some noise for the great and powerful Carrot Top. Oh, yeah. Let's go. You can always. There's nothing worse than an intro. This the best guy in the world. Then you eat. But we'll see. Thanks for having me, man. This is so beautiful. We're going to have this. Mine. This. I. I have two mics. That's how important I am. Absolutely. They don't want to miss one word. I've got two. One man, two mics. One lighter. Absolutely. What a hot crowd. You look good. It's dark. I can't see anybody, but you look good. You look fantastic. I look great, actually. I know we were talking before the show. He's been working in Vegas for 30 years. He's been doing comedy for 40 plus years. Ladies, look at this guy. Thank you. Turns out. Thank you. Great hair. That's a good hair. It's good hair right there. We're gonna have a lot of fun tonight, Carrot Top. I'm so happy that you're here. Over 200 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity to get pulled out of this wild little bucket where anything can happen. The whole show's improvised. I'm gonna let, like, Rip Taylor's act right there. Yeah, just a bucket. Young people don't confetti. Yeah, Nobody remembers that at all. It's. Oh, look at that. That might been the guy. That's destiny right there. That was the guy that was gonna come out. Look at that. I love this guy. Let's just do it. Yeah, let's go with that one. I'll let you pick the second one since I was going to anyway. This Fear and loathing looking fucking guy right there. I love it. That'll be bucket pool number two. We'll get these people all ready. And I'm excited for you to see the show, Carrot Top. When I pull a name out of a bucket, that means these people that had no idea they were going on stage get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up. When you hear the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then. Or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear and then that interrupts them and I conduct an interview and we all talk about their lives together. They go from being a comedian to a guest on A podcast. In absolutely no time at all, stars are made. Idiots are discovered here on this bucket. And they'll be getting feedback from the great Carrot Top tonight. Oh, good. Yeah. Really? Okay. You're sweet. Just what they want, advice from me. Yeah, it's going to be great. And kicking off the show, one of our greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. Doing a brand new minute. Make some goddamn noise for the one and only Martin Phillips, everybody. Yeah. Cool. Yeah. Okay. Mother's Day just happened. I celebrate Mother's Day by impregnating women. I'm spreading holiday cheer. You don't want to know what I do for Father's Day. I went to Canada and I. This Canadian guy told me he came down here, went to a gun range. He was so overwhelmed from shooting a gun, he cried. And I just thought, man, it's gonna be so easy to take over this country. Oh, my God. Stick that out before you hurt yourself. Stick to hockey. I've used a gun. I did not cry. The person I shot at cried. Okay, thank you. Nailed it. You killed it so hard. Yeah, okay. Unbelievable, Carrot Top. Oh, brilliant. Yeah. Everything you said was brilliant. A funny man. Thanks. Really. He does it all the time. He comes out, he wobbles his ass out here and he just crushes harder than almost 99 of what we would consider the able bodied people. Well, fair. Yeah, I'll take it. Absolutely. And it very rarely has anything to do with his condition. He's not like one of these guys that just is a one note guy. You're like a real comedian that just so happens to have cerebral palsy. It gets tiresome after a while, you know? Like, we get it, you know, we get it, you know, So I love it. I love it. And clearly you make your own. You paint your own T shirts. That's incredible. It's a cool shirt. We were all black all the time. Do you know any other colors? No. You're really trying to make people think you're not gay. Dark color is dark color. D Madness is my stylist and I wear what he sees. Okay, Sick. We trade off. I dress D and he dresses me. That's my motto. It says that right above my closet, which I dee looks like shit. What? How dare you? That is not true. That is not true. You look fantastic. D How oh, what a fight it would be. Cerebral palsy versus completely blind. That would be a. Once he gets his hands on you, he will not let go. He would play you like a bass guitar. My mom wanted me to correct you that I have mouth stewards her face. So she said she calls you kill Tony. She goes, tell Tony you have mouse dirt. You got him? Oh, got it. Sometimes I need a little translator over there. My monitor subtitles are hard for me. I got it. That's good. Beautiful. How's everything else in life been lately? It's been okay. Well, okay, well. Not exactly a ringing endorsement of life. Well, my dog got out. Well, your dog what? He got out. It got out. He escaped. My friend was watching it and dug under the fence. But I'm hoping as this comes out like two weeks from now, I'm hoping we have him by the time. So wait, when did your dog escape? It was this weekend. Yeah, I had my very walk inside. I might have him in here. Hold on. Wait a second. Don't even. I have everything but a dog prop. I have everything. Joke about that. That's not his dog. Maybe. I think I hear him in there. Yeah, everything but a dog prop. Fuck. No, no. It's okay. Stop. Your daddy's here. Your daddy's here. What kind of dog is it? Is it gone? It's gone. What kind of dog was it? Yeah, yeah, it's gone. He doesn't remember his dog. Well, the breed's called Absol. It looks like a Shih Tzu type thing. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. But, yeah. Yeah. I'm hoping we have it by the time. Good news and bad news. Good news is I'm going to hire someone to find your dog. The bad news is it's D madness that I'm hiring as revenge. Wow. Okay. Sweet. Revenge will be D madnesses. Oh, I don't see that. God damn. Are you fucking kidding me? Goddamn dog. Nowhere. Here, boy. Hey, get your ass over here, dog. Oh, no, he's. He's blind to his other sound. That's true. It'll be the first time where a man has sniffed out a dog. This is incredible. This could be really historical moment. Yeah. So. Damn it, Martin. I hope we find that goddamn dog. You don't live near the freeway, do you? No, too close to it. That doesn't sound good. That is the sound of the bell tolling. What was his name? Andy. Andy. Oh, poor Andy. Rip, we're going to find him. He's good. He's good. I think, like I heard, sometimes pigs get loose and they come back and it's like wild bored. So maybe he'll be a fucking wolf. Pigs come back. That's true. Red Band's here every Monday. It's so good. I love that. The Horn player played the actual song. Oh. Unbelievable. Martin, you are the man. Way to get tonight's show started. We love you. Unbelievable. Truly one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. Great. That is the golden boy himself, Martin Phillips. And this is the part where gets crazy Carrot Top, because this is when we go to the Bucket. So we're gonna. He was funny after his set. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's amazing. He's a star now. We're going to the Bucket now. So we're meeting somebody. They had no idea five minutes ago that they were going on stage. They're going up after Martin Phillips. Make some noise. This is Kyle Roberts. Everyone, a minute. Hello. I. I went to the dentist the other day. I found out that I still have a baby tooth. They did an X ray. There's an adult tooth that's trapped in my gums that hasn't come down yet. I also have a huge Cox still in my stomach. Doesn't drop. So I'm hoping 2025 is my year. I don't know if anyone here likes a finger in their ass. Me too. Thanks for asking. I feel like a finger in the ass is kind of like having to take some summer school to graduate. It's kind of humiliating, but it's the only way I can finish. Not good at dirty talk. I realized that recently. I'm not good at dirty talk. My friend told me he's like, whisper something sexy in her ear. I tried that. Didn't go great. I was like, I'm having a hard time getting a boner right now. Where's your glitz? Wake up. All right. Boom. Kyle Roberts. A stunning Kill Tony debut. Correct. I was on two years ago. Oh, you're on two years ago? Yeah. Okay. Hell, yeah. You're funny as hell. Thank you. You weren't that funny two years ago on the show, were you? No. No, not at all. I'd remember you if. But look at you now. You've been working hard at the. At the Gap. No. Yeah. That is. I can't. With people. I mean. No, it's good. That is a. That is a. You are correct. That is a starter set of clothing straight off of a mannequin. Yeah. I didn't want to wear, like, distracting clothing. Well, you played it just right, my friend. Perfect. We need Martin Phillips to draw a little something on there afterwards, give it a little color. I love it. So how long have you been doing stand up? Five years now. Five years. Where at? All of it. I started in Dallas. I moved here about Almost three years ago now. Awesome. What do you do for work? I work at Chewy's Tex Mex. The crowd goes wild for Chewy's Tex Mex. You're a waiter there? I am, yes. Okay. You doing good? You working a lot of shifts? Yeah, I usually work doubles Friday, Saturday if I don't have shows, and then a couple other. Mostly lunches. So that your nights are free to do stand up? Yeah, I try to. Yeah. Yeah, that's fun. It's a lot of fun. We have some new items on the menu now. Tell us about the new items on the menu. We brought back pork. We haven't had pork in a while. We have macho burrito that has guacamole inside and hatch green chili sauce on the outside. Oh, my God. It's fucking amazing. Green chili rice is back. I work with a macho pork burrito every week. It's a red band. Wow. I. I hit your shoulder and pubes started flying up in there. Look at that. Little souvenir for you, sir. You look like the. It looked like a gray pub. It could have been yours to begin with. Look at this guy right here. You visiting from New York? Dallas. Oh, okay. Well, geez. I guess I'm gonna ask him. No. Why would you say that? I'm from Dallas. This guy. You look like a mobster. What do you do for work? Architect. Kills people. Wow. You look good. He's got a Look an architect. Wait, I need to do something. Hold on. Yeah, here we go. No, because he works at a. What were you working in? Chewy something. Chewy's Tex Mex? Yeah, Chewy Tex Mex. I don't have a. See, I don't have a fuck. I only have a joke for sushi. When you eat sushi, you do this so you look like you're really. Wow, look at that guy going with his chopsticks. But I was hoping it was going to be a. Now I can't turn it off. The kids in the sweatshop make this for me. I don't know. I don't. I don't know how to operate them. I just. They build them. I come up with them and they build them. But look at that. That took engineering. Look at that. That is un. My dad. My dad worked at NASA. This is what I got from. It's going to be time. I have. It's going to be so funny in a half. In a half an hour when I ask somebody what they do for work and they're like, I work at a sushi restaurant. I wasted it on the Mexican restaurant. I got to find something Mexican. Yeah, I might. Wait, I do have something. Hold on. Oh, I love this. All right, people. People misspell. People misspell. This is so old, I forgot the joke. People misspell graffiti on walls all the time, right? So they should have. Hold on. Can I do my. Yeah, this might work. So this is a spray paint can that has a dictionary. So they get it right and they do it when they get done. You're like, what the fuck? They look. Oh, yes. Eat more posse. Wait the fuck? Wait. No, that's not. No, not stupid. They're all stupid. That fucking. Oh, fuck. Yes. This is exactly what the fuck. I wanted to have all duct taped together. That is by the. That was a. It was a spray. Pink hand with a dictionary. No, I'm sorry. I had to. I had to, I had to, I had to. Do you have the braille version? Yeah, yeah, I might. I might, actually. No, we'll wait. We'll wait. Kyle. Yeah, right, Kyle. Don't ask so many questions. So what do you do for fun, Kyle? Well, I have a lovely girlfriend. We're about to move in. Oh, about to move in. Have you lived with a girl before? Well, I've stayed over at her apartment. But not before that. Right, but you've never lived together. You've stayed over a girl's house. How old are you, Kyle? How old am I? Yes. I'm 31. 31. So this will be your first time living with a girl? Yes. Do you have any weird habits that you're kind of nervous about? Do you have any weird habits? Well, she doesn't sometimes, like, scream before I pee. I don't know why, but. Yeah, like, not like a. Like a blood curdling woman. Just like. Like, do you not. Some people sigh. You scream before you pee? Yeah. Jesus. Wow. In pain or just for fun? Is like. I really, like. I don't know. I like peeing. I don't know. I'm just. It's an excited scream. Yeah. Does it burn or something or. Why you. No, you know, this is incredible. So you scream before you pee? How about when you stay at her place? Have you noticed anything weird about her? Does she have, you know, any weird. Anything stand out to you? Women? Women. Women can be, you know, I mean, just from my experience, they can make the bathroom a little messy. They put their shit everywhere. Are you ready to have an actual female roommate? I think so. I mean, we spend a lot of time together. Yeah. Is she alive the way you're answering these questions. She's at serious right now. She's working. We spend a lot of time together. She pretty much does whatever I want her to do. It's everyone's consenting. Yeah. Incredible. What does she do for work? She works at Chewy. Yeah, she works at Chewie. That's how we met. It's a Chewie's love story. She's the manager. I love it. Incredible, man. Do you have any pets or anything? She has a cat. She has a cat. You're gonna be living with a cat, too? Yeah. How do you feel about this? You excited? I mean, I usually just forget it's there when, like, does the cat like you? Have you seen a lost dog? We've been looking for a dog. Maybe there's a cat now we're looking for a dog. I have a cat. Joe. No, I don't. This is incredible. So it's gonna be your first time living with a girl. You're excited. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom? You seem like a real creepazoid, so I'm excited to find out. Is there something. I'm great, Ben. I come every time. I just try to make up for, like, a lack of, like, talent, maybe with just, like, enthusiasm, you know? Yeah. If you scream before you pee, I can't imagine what you do before you come. Imagine if I come. Yeah. He probably needs a sound effect guy when he needs you in the room. When he's. Yeah. What would it be? What would this be? Right before you come? Oh, okay. All right. Kyle Roberts. A hell of a performance. Fantastic. Very funny. Love to have you on the secret show Thursday. Wow. There you go. He's booked. Here's a big joke book. Kyle Roberts. Awesome, man. I realized that I have an open wound on my hand from playing drums a little bit earlier. Oh, we have matching open wounds. Blood brothers. Oh, it's the lovely Heidi. Oh, my goodness. What a special treat. Sorry. Easy on the eyes. Hey, y' all. 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Use code Kill Tony and get 60% off an annual plan@incog.comKiltoni that's I n c o g n I.com kill Tony all right, let's talk about how Amazon prime makes everything better. You know the moment you're binge watching different things and you realize that prime has more to offer than except expected. Amazon prime isn't just fast delivery though, let's be honest, getting snacks or a last minute prop delivered the same day is a lifesaver. It's also Amazon music to Vibe too. And all the things that make life more interesting. Right band Whether streaming a stand up special, building the perfect playlist for the next show, or getting new gear delivered fast, prime helps make it all happen and maybe even delivers a few laughs along the way. So whether comedy, drama, or just the perfect new joke book is the Vibe, remember, Prime is there for it. I do it all on Prime. Whatever you're into, it's on Prime. From streaming to shopping, it's on Prime. Visit Amazon.comprime to get more out of whatever you're into Amazon.comprime all right, this looks like a new name coming out of the bucket. So we're gonna meet them all together. Make some noise for Jackson Rock. Everyone, it's time for Jackson Rock. I love Cougars and cougars love me. Give it up for the Cougars, y' all. Yeah. I love a woman who's not afraid to take away my Xbox. My first experience with the Cougar was with a 48 year old woman named Mrs. Lawrence. Mrs. Lawrence made love to each and every one of the dudes in my friend group. When it came to be my turn, I only lasted about two minutes, which is not bad for a 13 year old. When her son found out, he was so jealous. Now I'm just gonna say what's on everyone's mind. The homeless people in Austin. Not all of them, but some of them I would have sex with. Thank you. Okay. Wow. There it is. Jackson Rock with an absolutely frightening set. Pretty sure he admitted to about two or three felonies in 60 seconds there. Works for the government. He'll have you heal. Yeah. Wow. Jackson, how long you been doing standup it's my first time ever telling. Wow. Okay. How old are you? How. I'm 26. 26. How many times have you signed up for the show? I signed up once back in like October 2023. And this is your second time? October 2023? Yeah. And you haven't signed up since then? No. This is your second time. And you decided in between October 2023 and now to not practice anywhere whatsoever. Your thought was I'll just go in there, come out guns ablazing, looking like a out of work magician, and I'm just gonna take over this seen by storm. Just had to say it, dude. Okay. All right. What makes you think homeless people would want to have sex with you? They tend to have considered that really good sense of humor. I got a home. You could. We don't know that for a fact. Do you have a home, Jackson? I do have a home. What is it like? Well, actually, I. I'm crashing on a couch right now, cuz my lease just ended. Listen, listen. My leave. My lease just ended, but I'm looking for a new place, a new roommate situation. So you're homeless? Took us a long time to get there. We went around and around and around. Turns out you are just as homeless as a homeless person. I'm finding out about myself right now, Tony. Indeed. So what's your plan? What do you do for work? Work? I do two. I do a couple things. Service, industry, and then I also do solo gigs. Solo gigs? Yeah, like playing guitar, Playing a mix of covers and originals. Oh, my goodness. Really? And you make money doing that? Yeah, I had one yesterday. You made money yesterday? Yeah, man. We're at over in Bastrop. Okay. Yeah, the locals are cracking up right now. That is Bastrop. That is. That is for those of you that don't know around the world, Bastrop is about. What is it, 45 minutes away? About 30. Yeah, sure, sure. On the bird scooter that you're driving, I'm guessing it's 45. That's hilarious. Oh my goodness. And you're out there? They hired you for that gig? Yeah, man. And you go by the name Jackson Rock? Jackson Rock. What place did you perform at in Bastrop? Up. It's a place called Gracie's. Gracie's? Yeah. And how did it go? How many people were there? Man, it's a restaurant, so it's like Mother's Day gig. And it was fun. I mean, people were nice. I. I played myself. Did you do that same set? That's hilarious. Oh, yeah. It killed, dude. 13 year old or a soldier. No. People are like, this is a worst Mother's Day restaurant meal I've ever had. Yeah, I'll be back on Father's Day. I love it. Jackson, what's your. What's your, like, best original, you think? What would that. What's the name of that? What's it about? I have one that a lot of people like called Jim Beam. Jim Beam? Yeah. And that's about drinking Jim Beam. It's about a homosexual relationship with Jim Beam. I love this idea. I love this idea. Shawn Greenberg. Is there any. Wait, we have an actual. Is that thing tuned? It is. Okay, Heidi, can you bring out the Kill Tony official guitar? I want to see. Oh, look, she was ready. You know, she is. She is as smart as she is stunning. A lot of people wouldn't guess that. A lot of people that just watch the show would probably guess she's a real fucking bag of rocks. But I'm telling you, she's a genius. She has the best spirit. She's fun to hang out with. She's always listening, paying attention. And she's got a big. She's a big, beautiful giant. Oh, look, Rick Springfield, everybody. All right, so you're gonna sing it and you're gonna play it, right? And you're sure it's an original, right? Because we can't set off the YouTube algorithm music thing, or else we have to pay whoever the actually wrote the song that you're doing. Okay. You got it? I got it. You nervous? Sweet home. It's just like playing at Gracie's in Bastrop, except there's just another few more million people watching. Give us a spotlight, Keno. And here he is making his Kill Tony music debut with his hit song, all the Way From Bass Drop. This is Jackson Rock playing Jim Beam. There's a man who always treats me right he holds my doors he never snores he helps me sleep at night There's a man who changed my life the first time that he kissed my lips he never been he's always in my dreams his name is Jim Beam he's often a friend of mine I never seen him Liar Cheat Traffic on the streets we spent the night in jail his name is Champagne it's all been a friend of mine between him lying she tried to fool the street he always pays my bill and bites me weed all right, Jackson Rock. Turns out you're a musician, Jackson. Solid ending. Yeah, that was great, man. Absolutely. You're also gay, Jackson. I don't know if you noticed that? No, I'm not. Yeah. Huh. And I would not. I'm not coming. It's just a. It's a tendency. It's a tendency. Not a gay. It's just tendency. It's not a gay. Once you're. It's not my joke. It's not my joke. It's Louis CK's joke. What? Suck. It's sucking a cock. He's like. It's like something about that. And then he says, once you got your hand on it, you're committed. It's a fucking. It's a cock in your mouth. Jackson. You say you're not gay, but let me ask you this. What's the gayest thing you've ever done? Jackson. I spooned with one of my homies one time. Okay. I love that. That's very honest. It was a very quick answer. I love that. What was the circumstances of the spooning? You guys were just in the mood. We were just boolin' just hanging out and you were what? We were just hanging out. What'd you say? The boolin. Poolin' Boolin' bullin' I'm from Atlanta. It's like Atlanta slang. What does that mean? Bullin? Like ballin' but chilling. But. But. Oh, you're gay. Between. Yeah. Between bowling and getting word from the officials. It's a mixture of bowling and bowling. After review of the play. Can I do my. I have a joke. I have a prop. I have a prop. I have a prop. Oh, let's go. It's a. It's a. It's a mousetrap to get game. I see. Classic. The classic. The classic. I mean, that's a classic. You're awesome. Yeah, I'm very. I am very. I have no life is what I am. You get to duct tape things together and become a multi millionaire. This is incredible. What an art form it is. You are a. I really did. I found a mousetrap at Home Depot and then I found a mirrorball. And I was like, well, there's got to be a joke in there. And the lady ringing me up was like, is this going to be one of your jokes? I see. It's a gay mousetrap. And she's like, it's great. I just. Going to kill. Going to be great on. Be great. So cool. Sorry. This is awesome. Set me up, though. Had a good one. I was like, I love it. That's true. I could. I could tell he's drawn to the disc. I can see what he's looking at. I know somebody Wants the cheese, huh? Yeah. Jackson. So is this what you want to do? Is stand up something you want to do? Or did you just want to come on Kiltoni one time? I just had to. I feel like it should be a rite of passage in Austin. What do you. What do you mean exactly? I don't know. I moved here and I'm a. I'm a fan of the show, and it. It scared the shit out of me to sign up. And I like to do things that scare me, so. Right. Like hook up with a woman. Ah, you're too quick. I was ready. Well, Jackson, congratulations. Here's a little joke book. You did it. The lovely Heidi's gonna help you with that guitar. I just saw his penis go. Flash said when he looked at Heidi, his penis went extra soft. Oh, look at this little. Look at this little sneaky cholo trying to go to the bathroom. Look at this guy. Look at you, dude. I love it. All right. Oh, man. This is fun. This is fun. How about a hand for carrots on? We're having fun here tonight. Already making his claim for possible guest of the year 2025. Halfway through the show. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. It's Molly McGee, everybody. Molly McGee. Hi. I'm new here. I recently escaped California with my son's genitals still intact. He said, mommy, am I a boy or a girl? I said, toddler, you a boy, but you're a cowboy. Back of shape, moving to Texas. I would love my child no matter what. But if he's trans, I'll say the same thing about his penis. I say every time he wants me to get him a puppy. You're gonna have to keep it and take care of it till it's fully grown. Then you could decide if it's not cute anymore and you want to get rid of it. I'll support that. He's not trans, though. He's just regular autistic. It took a long time to get him diagnosed, too, because he's good looking enough to. Everybody just assumed he was an asshole this whole time. When he was really little, doctors were worried that he might be mentally retarded yet. They didn't call it that, though. They called it starting to look like his father. It was only because they were both bald and chubby and drank from a bottle till they shit and pissed themselves. My son grew out of it. Thank you. Wow. Molly McGee. Welcome. That was a fantastic set. Hell, yeah. Oh, my. What'd you just say? I just said, oh, my God. Hi. Because we don't get to know who the guest. We don't get to know who the guest is till we come out. And this is the iconic carrot. Are you saying hi to me? I thought you're saying hi to. Is that Tony? Right. Let's fucking go. I Love this. Molly McGee. This is an unbelievably great minute. I guess I'm just surprised we've had. Not to be sexist, but the female comedians as of late, especially the last month or so, it's been real rough. So my expectations when you came out were very low. And your stuff is topical. It seems real to you. Is that all kind of true? Absolutely true. That's. Well, I've done okay. I'm a woman. See. Yeah, that's the. What's your name again? I'm looking for another. Good. I have another gay joke somewhere in here. It's a good one. It's a good one. Excited about it? Sorry, do you. Molly, how long you been doing stand up? Eight years. Well, four and then I took four years off and I've been back before. In California? Yes. Northern. Yeah, kind of Central Valley. Okay. Stockton. Yes, we know Stockton. Well, we are friends with the Diaz brothers. Yeah. 209. You have a 209 area code? Yes, absolutely. There you go. And what do you do? For how long have you been here in Texas? A little over a year. Okay. What do you do for work? Work? I'm a disabled veteran. You're a disabled veteran? Holy. You are cool as no red band. No red band. Likes to go to disabled veteran female strip clubs and watch them roll around. That's hot. You get a discount if they have less limbs than a normal stripper at the disabled veterans strip club. It's called the Camouflage Rose. It's in Bass Drop for those of you that don't know. So. So, Molly McGee, what branch of the military were you in? Air Force. Okay. Huh. Huh. Wow. And what did you do there? I was a dental assistant. Like the least cool military thing you could do. Wow. And how did you become disabled? Oh, I. I was assaulted and I had my head slammed into a cement wall. Repeatedly. Oh, my God. Aren't you glad you asked now? Yeah. Was this an Iraqi soldier or an American? Oh, it was American. It was in San Francisco. Yeah. One of them was a cop. One of them was a cop. Military cop. A military duty. Off duty. What made him slam your head? It was. It was three females. Wait, they were females? Yeah. And what made them do that to you? Can I ask that? Is that a crazy question? Well, it's an improvised show. Okay, well, they started it. Nice. Okay, I love this, but I went. I went for it. I bet you did. Yeah, I did pretty good. I mean, other than the permanent brain damage and amnesia disorder. I should have seen the other guy, you know. What was the second thing? Amnesia. Amnesia disorder. What is that? What? Exactly. Exactly. How does it remember? Doing what? Her joke. She did. I don't remember the question. Right. So that. Is that like short term, long term memory loss? It's a little bit of both. Like, I have some things long term I just cannot remember. And then sometimes I have little episodes where, like, I'll forget, like, everything for, like, a couple minutes. Or sometimes I'll forget categories. Like, I'll be doing the dishes and realize an oven mitt is in the water too. Like, because I put it in with the dishes. Like, I have. It's just really bizarre. It's just kind of bizarre. Amazing. Incredible. Or I'll forget how I know somebody. Like, one time I totally forgot that someone was my cousin. Thank God that didn't go right. I could have went a lot worse. Wow, how cool. You're amazing. This is incredible. You're so funny. How old's your kid? He's 11. So you really did get him out of California at the right time. Shit is going to be. Yes. Little wackadoodle dandy out there, huh? Yeah. Yeah, it's wild. I love it. So how do you like Austin? What do you do for fun here? Well, so I live near New Braunfels, so I'm like, right between here and San Antonio. I can do comedy, either direction, and I love it. I like it over there. It's chill. Yeah. I'm like a small town, I love kind of girl. You have a boyfriend? Nope. Are you sure? Do you just not remember him right now? I know, right? Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. He's watching the show. Like, what the. I mean, I could use that if I ever. Swear to God, I'm a nice lady, but you ever forget about me again, you're going back in the cement wall. Yeah. All right. Oh. Oh, come on. Too soon. I have a fun fact about me. Yes. Let's do it. I also do comedy songs, too. Oh, my God. Yeah. Do you have. Do you play guitar or you just go solo? Play guitar and I. I have it somewhere. They have it in the back. You brought a guitar? Heidi. Oh, my God. What a special fucking. What a special treat this is. How many times have you signed up for the show? Tons. Tons. Tons. Can you give me a ballpark since you got. I say almost every 10 or 15. I mean, I have an amnesia disorder, so let's say. Okay, you are correct. That'll work for pretty much. Does that sound like a good number? And this is your first time? Do you always bring the guitar when you sign up? Yes. Okay. I lug this thing around. I love it. Do you have a name for your guitar? Carrot Top. Amnesia Jenkins. All right, well, this is. I didn't want to bring it out because I don't want to be presumptuous. Oh, my goodness gracious. We just heard your brain waves on the microphone there for a second, ladies and gentlemen. What's the song you're gonna play for us? It's an original, right? Because we can't do covers. What's it called? It's called Jack Daniels. I love it. He set me up. He set me up. So it's kind of important. It's. Hi. So I have a lazy eyelid. And a lot of you may not realize this, but the lazy eyelid community is very underrepresented in Hollywood. There's really only one reason for that, which is we've had a megastar on top for several decades who stopped at nothing to hold the rest of us back. That ends today. Forest Whitaker, Spotlight. I'm Whittier, and I'm your nemesis, Forest Whitaker. When I was a little girl, I used to get bullied for having a lazy eyelid. They called me Quasimodo Sloth from Goonies, Rocky after the fight. And I used to cry the whole way home. And I'd be happy because I turned the table. And there was my hero, Lisa Left Eye from tlc. She used to celebrate having a lazy eyelid. But then she died of unnatural and unexpected circumstances. Rest in peace, legally. I'm not saying Forest Whitaker had anything to do with it. I'm just saying it's pretty freaking convenient. And Forest Whitaker. You think we didn't notice that Biggie Smalls was part of the lazy eyelid community? Was. They never did find his killer, did they? It's almost as if the detective was so close to the case, he couldn't see the forest through the trees. Not even with two good eyes. How many children won't be oppressed anymore when you, when you fall how many lazy eyed stars will be born when you fall when you fall Forest Whitaker. You had the chance to show the world it's not just you. There's more of us out here. We're talented. We could do things. Instead, he's out here acting like y' all need him to normalize. Normal eyes, also known as I typical. And Forest Whitaker. Seen you waltzing around the Star wars universe in Rogue One trying to send us a message. And you're gonna be the only one in the future with a lazy eyelid. Clearly he wants total annihilation. But not on my watch. It's a long song. Not even with two good eyes. How many children Children won't be oppressed anymore when you fall, when you fall how many lazy eyes Star will be born when you fall. I'm your nemesis. Your move, Forest Whitaker. Your move. Wow. Molly McGee. Molly, you are cool as. Song's a little long. Little Pink Floyd esque. I didn't realize Melon camp song is like. Yeah. She was like shine on you crazy eyelids over here. It's like a 14 minute long. I know. Start slow, goes back to the chorus twice. Whitaker's pass, by the way. Yeah. If a song. If a song falls in the. Forest Whitaker. All right. In my defense, that was after several decades of oppression. So that's a long song. I get it. You think your eyelids are lazy. You should see D madness. Actual eyeballs. They are the laziest eyeballs. They've done nothing his entire life. That song's called Run Forest Run. Just everybody. Amazing. You are such a cool person. I love your style. Molly McGee, you're leaving here with the big joke books. Write another minute. Come up, sign up again. Okay. There you go. She caught it. Molly McGee, everybody. How fun. Two musical guests in a row plowing through it. Oh, wait, it's time for a prop. Let's do it. Carrot Top's got a little something. Here we go. When you go. When you go to a bar, right? When you go to a bar, you can't see who you're hitting on, right? Because it's dark. So it's a beer that has a light built into it. You kind of scope it out before for you and look, it's it. And there's two jokes. Look, it's a Bud Light. Ah. Oh, look at that. That wrote itself Bud Light. Maybe there's another one. This is. Hold on. Amazing. I don't know if you guys all smoke the same pot that I. This is a dumb one. This is a dumb one. This is a pacifier for ugly babies. But it's. It's dumb. I mean, they're not all cleverly done pile of shit. You know how much it costs to fly this shit here too, by the way? Seriously? They had to go through it like, what the fuck is a dildo on a thing? I'm like, it's. Oh, it's Carrot Top. That's okay. That is. They really go through it. Yeah. I'm like, it's a gay mousetrap. Have you run into problems? I guess you're mostly in Vegas, but, like, has that ever been an issue, flying with your wild stuff? Yeah. I was going, people are too young to remember Regis and Kathie Lee. And I was doing the show, and I was on a flight, and this is great. The same exact trunk. It has flowers all over it. And I'm on this trunk and a plane. I said to the woman, I'm doing this live show. Could you make sure the trunk gets it on? Because I'm going to go live, like, tonight. And they said, oh, no, we got it. We got it. We got it. We got it. We got it. We do it and we get on the plane. I look out the window, it's like four in the morning, and I see this trunk going on the bed of another airplane. Oh. And I'm like, oh, fuck. And I said, that's my. And they go, no. I said, well, unless Donny Marie are on the other flight, there's like a box full of. So they. They got it. They got it from me. Just in time. Just so. Just in time to do, you know, on Regis and Kathy Lee, you know, a plate for bulimics. I mean, you know, oh, my God, you can eat. You can eat a plate for believers. Be politically incorrect to night. So I'm bringing all my. I love it. I'm bringing all my dark Carrot Top. I love it. I love it. You guys are, by the way, the best. You're the best. This is fun. This is awesome. So fun, man. Everybody that's on her is so fun. We're having a. You guys having fun out there? This band is unbelievable. Seriously, we're having a blast. You're doing okay. The band, honestly. All right, let's get back to this bucket. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Knowing you could be saving money for the things you really want is a great feeling. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with the personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state. This episode is brought to you by Amazon Prime. From streaming to shopping, prime helps you get more out of your passions. So Whether you're a fan of true crime or prefer a nail biting novel from time to time. With services like Prime Video, Amazon music, and fast free delivery, prime makes it easy to get more out of whatever you're into or getting into. Visit Amazon.comprime to learn more. We're gonna meet another comedian. Make some noise. One minute uninterrupted for Jordan Gilpin, everybody. All right, Jordan. Jordan. Hey, everybody. I know you're thinking and yes, it's true. I do have bicycles on my wall in my living room as art decoration. Yes, I do. I recently took a 23andMe and found out I'm 25% gay. That's right. I had a gay grandpa. Sometimes with the long deliverer, a quote doesn't really work the right way. Right. I went by a crystal shop. Really inspiring quote. It said, it's a great thing to think that your best days are still ahead of you. But told by Anne Frank. Maybe they were talking about reincarnation. Guys, it's kind of weird family. Yeah, that's right. They're crystals. Right? They can, they can see the future, but they can't Google the past. Yeah, My. My sister's in a throuple with my. She says with my. I like that one guy. One guy. Thruppel. Yeah, that's right. That's right. In a throuple with her husband and my mom. Yeah, she came to visit once eight years ago and she's still there doing the laundry and raising the kids. All right, all right. Jordan Gilpin went a little too long there. I like that first joke. But I would have said I'm. What do you say? 25% gay. And you pause and say, okay, 90. You know, something like. Cause I mean. Gilligan. Come on. Yeah. This is an incredible get up. That was funny. Fucking love it. I have those same shorts. Yeah, I feel bad. I really, I really, I really have the same legs. We have the same legs. Look at that. Except I shave mine. They look. Makes my dick look leaner. Right, Jordan? It is quite the outfit. I'm glad you took a break from renting tourist kayaks to come do stand up here tonight. How long you been doing stand up comedy? Seriously. For four months. And I've been riding for about a year and a half. Nice. Okay, so you wrote for. You're clearing the room. Look. Yeah. Good job. People are going. Only Rickles did that. You know, stick around. So, Jordan, what do you do for work? I work at. Okay, please say rent kayaks. What is it? I. I work at a barbecue restaurant. Okay. Yeah. You want to give them a shout out? I work at Franklin. Okay. Yeah. That is one of the bigger ones here. What do you do at the barbecue restaurant? So I was. I was hired as a cutter, but I haven't got there yet. It's a very strenuous training process when you work for one of the most famous barbecue places in the world. How long have you worked there without getting to cut? Hired as a cutter, you haven't gotten to cut the meats? I haven't got there. A knife. Yeah. Yeah. I haven't touched a knife since I started. It was March 1, I think was my first day. Yeah. Wow. You know, got that job, by the way. Yeah. First day. First day they gave. Yeah. So what do they have you doing if you were hired as a cutter and you haven't gotten to cut the meats yet? What exactly are you doing at work? Yeah, so the first two weeks, I was what they call the line position. So you talk to everybody in line and ask them what you want, and you tally their meat number. Have you been there, Michael? Relax over there. Can we keep them over here? Jesus Christ. What do you have in your own side conversations where you're cracking up at the number thing? Relax over there. Yeah. So I call it the glorified Chick Fil. A person. Yeah. Because. Because you're going down the line, you're like, expectation manager. And so once you sell your 20 pounds of turkey for the day, nobody else is. You can't guarantee turkey. So if, like, somebody's got their heart set, you know, waiting three hours in line, it's like, sorry, I'm out of ribs. So they got to try tomorrow. So you got to sweet talk them out of it. Yeah. Okay, so let's do a little thing. Let's do a little. Give me a little barbecue music. And I'm going through the line here at the barbecue restaurant, and I've been waiting in line for hours. And here we go. God, I love the barbecue music here. Oh, I'm finally up in line. Oh, hey. How are you? What's. Can I get some food? Hi. Yeah. Welcome to Franklin, guys. Have you ever been here before? No. Cool. So let me tell you. So I got. I got brisket available. We have our. Our pork spare ribs. We have pulled pork, we have turkey, and we have our house sausage and our jalapeno cheddar sausage. I'm in the mood for ribs. Do you have ribs? I do have ribs. Oh, you're supposed to be out of ribs. I want to find out what it's like when you're out of something. I'm sorry you have all that stuff, but I'm really here for the ribs. I've been waiting all day for ribs, so I, I can't guarantee you ribs, but my guarantee is in the Pink sweater, about 20 people ahead of you. So once she gets up to the front, I'll come back to you and I'll let you know if I still have some. If you're lucky, you can have them. I can't mark you down for them, but if you have them, you can grab them. Huh. I like. What a up system. Let's go. Regular lighting here. I just figured out what, what you do that is so interesting. So they're deep in the line when you talk to them. Yes. And they're starving. Yeah. And they've been waiting for hours. And you just come up to them. Are you dressed like that when you go up to these hungry, angry, starving people? Just, hello, hello. Like, the lady in the pink sweater is gonna eat what she wants. Best of luck to you. I can't guarantee anything. What the. That's just what's the angriest somebody's gotten at this part with you. Has it happened yet? Has there been, like, Come on, man. Not too many people. You get a lot of brides. There was an angry lady who didn't understand that she couldn't just reserve a table for two hours while they waited in line. A liberal, am I correct? Liberal vibes, purple hair. No, she was like, suburban San Antonio. So I think, like, she was like, you know, a. She was a country club kind of person. She, she didn't realize, like, why they couldn't just, like, you know, bribe me a hundred dollars to, like, skip the line. Right? Yeah. Is that the most you've been bribed? No. I mean, she didn't like, I mean, for barbecue, but I mean, people, people will, like, ask if they could. What's the highest you've been offered? Offered? Me personally, I haven't been offered, but I know people have. Yeah. You don't look like you would even. You look like you would just take the money. They'll, like, give me a sandwich, you know, like, was it Frank? I give off more of that vibe. Yeah, It's a good barbecue joint. Do you try any of the other barbecue. Do you eat barbecue? I do. I do, yeah. So have you tried the competition? Yes, some of them. I, I, I really like Leroy and Lewis and Interstellar kg. I tried a few a few months ago. That's really good. You don't even say the TB word, do you? Scared a tb. Okay. No. Terry Box is funny because it's always the one that people go to first when they come to town. And. And then they come to us when, like, they really have time to dedicate to it. But. But I would say, like, everybody's, like, surprised when they're like, oh, wait, like, we went to Terry Box. And this is way better. Let's go to our senior barbecue correspondent, Brian Redback. Is it true that you go through the line, though, to ask what people are getting before the restaurants even open? Those. So you're almost like, creating this weird, like, you know, like. Like, people can't get anything no matter what. He's going to think of a better question in just a moment. People. Yeah, that's what we just described. Yeah. No, but you do it before the restaurants even open, though. Why? You just not make enough. Yeah. So we open up the restaurant at 11 and we start talking to people in line at, like, 8:30, 9:00 clock. So by the time we open at 11, like, we already know, like, who's gonna, you know, be guaranteed beef ribs or pork ribs. Beef ribs are only on Friday, Saturday, Sunday. So you gotta show up early for those. I like that. Yeah. It's a business. You know, when we were comics, we'd order Domino's, right? And then we'd order Pizza Hut. We'd make both people eat their other thing. We'd film Pizza Hut eating Domino's and Domino's eating pizza. And they're like, no, we can't do that. We'd videotape them and they got fired from eating. Literally. They would. They wouldn't eat the competition. I eat. I eat the competition. Incredible. Wait, I have something for this. Hold on. Oh, okay. I love this Carrot Top going into the. These are good. I gotta stand up for this one, dude. Is it only because you're wearing those goddamn things? Well, you know, it's hot. Wait, they're gonna be prepared. They're skinny jeans for fat guys. See, that way, see, when you wear them, you're like. You look so lean. Retard, isn't it? This is the. I mean, not retard. You can't say that word anymore. This is. This is the best show and tell with liquor. I love it. Hell, yeah. All right, Jordan. Well, good job, Jordan. Fun time, my fun times, my friend. Good interview. Good insight into the barbecue world of Austin, Texas. There's a little joke book. Thank y' all. There he goes. Jordan Gilpin, everybody. Great and it's a perfect time to bring up one of the greatest regulars in the shows. History. Everyone. Ladies and gentlemen, a juggernaut, an absolute superstar, flying through the cosmos at a billion miles an hour. I present to you, truly, who I believe is the top young rising comedian in the world. Make some goddamn noise. This is a brand new minute from Cam Patterson. Damn. Real shit. I have. It's weird. I have one gay friend. One. Only one. I think if you're a straight man and you have more than one gay friend, nigga, you gay. That's what I think. I think they plotting on you and they gonna get you in a dark room and fuck you in the ass. That's what I feel like. That's what's gonna happen, brother. Watch your bumper. They on your ass, nigga. Literally. They gonna put a dick in it. And I got one gay friend. I got one. I grew up with one of my whole life. His name is Tyrone. I'm not gonna say his last name. Gotta be disrespectful. His name is Tyrone Jones. And Tyrone, he lived two doors down for me my whole life. And when he came out as gay, it made me upset. Now, listen, I wasn't angry because he was gay. I was angry because we did things together that two men should not do if one of them is gay. We did a lot together. We played basketball together, we played football together. Me and Tyrone fucked the bitch together. You understand me? We was in the 11th grade. We was at his grandma house. It was 12 o' clock at night on school night. On Tuesday, dawg, I was fucking her front of back. She was right here. And Tyrone was fucking her face, man. Yeah. And we was high fiving and shit like this. A good old fashioned Eiffel Tower, dog. That's a great core memory for two straight young men. When one of them become gay, that's a totally different memory, dog. And when it came out, he was like, when everybody know, bro, I'm gay and I like men. I was like, listen, I'm a homeboy. Like, listen, bro, we don't care. We love you, bro. We still love you. I was like, wait a minute, bitch, I got questions. We fucked a bitch together. What do you mean you not gay? What do you mean you gay? And he looked at me, he went, you know how I stayed hard the whole time? And I went home and I cried that night. You understand me? Yes. Cam Patterson with the brand new minute. Yeah. Yeah. That was great. Hell yeah. That was great, man. And there it is, another new minute. You've been doing comedy for a long. Sorry. Take your job. You've been doing comedy for a long time. Time, right. Oh, four years. No, cuz. You're good. Thank you, man. I really appreciate that, bro. Solid. Hell yeah. Solid. Thank you, man. Solid. That's love. Sorry about my stupid dreads. I'm sorry about. Listen, he'll stop me. Like, what the. I'm. I'm trying I with them. They nice. Hell yeah. I like them. Yeah. Yeah. It's a lot going on, but I like it. Hell yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Not bad. You care top Live your life, brother. Have a good time. Hell yeah. Good Detroit, man. Hell yeah. Do what you want to do. All right. It's a probably as the same hair as Tyrone draws. Is that his name? Ah, nice. Draws N. Jones. I said Jones. Jones. I don't talk good. Oh, okay. I don't talk great. That's a fake name though. I'm not going to say his real name. Okay, good. That's nice. That's good. That's nice of you. People might not know who their gay black friend is. A great joke though. It's fact a great deal. It was. That is. It's incredible. But it wasn't a joke. It really happened or. Yeah, no, see, that's what I'm thinking there. It's actually. I actually hate it. I do not like that story at all. That's funny. It was funny. It was some old. I had. I had an old joke like that. At one point we were playing basketball. But the real story was we the together. And I was very angry about that. Yeah. And he was looking at you the whole time? Yeah, that was. That made me angry after. I was like, wait a minute. Yep. Fuck you got going on, man? He probably never even looked at her. He was just staring at you. This nigga doing great. He's doing phenomenal right now. I love it. Cam, what's been going on in life? Anything crazy? Shit, nothing, man. Just running around doing shows, you know what I'm saying? On the road, having a good time. I was on a movie set recently and I got there a little early. I was like, on the beach. It was like. We had food and shit. And it was a police officer that was like on the beach, like watching the set. And I was getting food and he came back and was like, hey, man, stop grabbing the food from the movie set. And I was like, I'm in. I'm on the. I'm on the movie. He was like, no, you not. And I said, I am. And he Went, well, show me some papers. I said, what papers? You would have movie papers if you was on the set. That's crazy. And I was mad cause he was Mexican. So I was like, bitch, show me some papers, nigga. Yeah, be some goddamn papers. You dirty. Great. Ah. Oh, man. That was brilliant. Pissed me off. He cool, though. He a good guy, though. He cool now we good. And it felt work. I had watermelon in my hand. I was like, it was bad. It was a bad look for all my people. It looked terrible for all black people around the country, though. It looked really bad. Jesus, all that. All those options that are on a movie set that you could possibly eat and you just had a plate of watermelon. They were good, bro. I ain't gonna huzzy it feel. It feel weird being black. I like watermelon, but it's like, damn, I can't really eat it in public like that. Can you go? So I got like. But if I had to eat it, I look crazier. You know what I'm saying? I can't duck around corners and eat watermelon like this. That look insane. So I gotta eat it in public. But it's like, get them fr. Also like dam. I can't. You walk a minute by myself, Carrot top? You got a prop for this, buddy? I was hoping I did. You can't top this. Brilliant. No, I don't have. That would top that. No, not amazing. Jesus. Amazing. I have another gay joke. Hold on. Oh, we love that. That is. Is good. It's a. It's a. Hold on. It's a piggy bank for gay guys. It a gay. A dog. That's you. That's you with them playing basketball. Me guy. I love it. You're funny. The new MC Crispy Strip is here. Dip approved by Ketchup Tangy barbecue Honey mustard, honey mustard, Sprite, McFlurry, Big Mac sauce, double dipped in Buffalo ranch, More ranch and Creamy Chili McCrispy Strip Dip now at McDonald's. This message comes from Greenlight. Ready to start talking to your kids about financial literacy? Meet Greenlight, the debit card and money app that teaches kids and teens how to earn, save, spend wisely and invest with your guardrails in place. With Greenlight, you can send money to kids quickly. Set up chores automate allowance and keep an eye on your kids spending with real time notifications. Join millions of parents and kids building healthy financial habits together on on Greenlight. Get started risk free@greenlight.com Spotify Cam, you're a superstar. We're gonna get back to the bucket. He's done it again, folks. That's it. Right in the middle of his show. Great, great superstar cam patterns. He is something else. There's never been anything like it. Someone like him writing and performing a new minute every week while putting it together. The long, long sets that he does on the road. And somehow kicking out a new minute every week on this show. This looks like a familiar name coming back out of the bucket for the first time in a while. Make some noise. A new minute from Jake Coulter, everyone. Jake Coulter. So did anybody else used to think that bestiality was illegal? Because that's how you create supreme beings. Like. Like getting a dog pregnant creates werewolves. Getting a horse pregnant creates centaurs. Flushing your cum down the toilet sends it to the ocean. Sends it to the ocean. Getting fish pregnant, creating mermaids. Let's see. I'm gullible and white trash. So the second I realized I was attracted to every mermaid I seen on tv, I was like, yup, those gotta be my daughter. And like, I've seen the Little Mermaid. So obviously my next move was to go get some scuba shit so I could find some octabitch, somehow convince her to use her magic to take my new kids voices away before my new kids tell someone else that I'm their dad and I get charged with bestiality. There it is. All the way to the limb. Jake Coulter. Welcome back, Jake. Thank you. Thank you. I remember you. Oh, I hope that's a good thing. Do you remember. Do you remember, Tony? Oh, yes, for sure. Jake, remind us, how long you been doing stand up? I. I hit a year in September, so about a year and a half now. Okay, year and a half. Remind me what happened last time you were on. It was something kind of epic, right? I remember a big moment happening with you. You thought I was retarded. That's right, that's right, that's right. But in an unbelievable twist, you're not. What is your condition? I don't think I have one. Besides, like, social anxiety. Okay, all right. I mean, like, I could put my foot over my head. I don't know if that's. You can put your foot over your head. Let's see that. I mean, we gotta see it. Wow. Wow. That is incredible. Now do. Do both. Do both. Can you do both? No. No, no, no. It's not nothing then. I'm sorry. Incredible, Jake. Okay. If you did both, we might have a prize for you. What do you do for work, Jake? I just started at Heb. Oh, nice. The best. The absolute best. A Texas delicacy. The greatest 1 grocery store in the world. What exactly do you do at hb? So I'm cross functional. So I do everything. Is that what the doctor said you are? Yes, cross functional. Oh, man. Wow. And what is it that you find yourself doing the most at HB with all of these functions that you can do? Well, I just got through orientation, so next I'm going to be a bagger on Wednesday. Wow. That's incredible. Red band. Why would you hit that only once? It was so perfect. You should hit it again. I love it. So they told you that you're cross functional? They said you're highly talented and you haven't done anything yet. But you're going to start as a bagger, so they think you're retarded too. This is very exciting that I'm not the only one. I know a lot of you. When you heard the thing, you're like, oh, Tony. But it turns out I have the same opinion as Heb's human resource people. Incredible. We feel that you're in the spectrum of all the jobs that you get here. That's gonna be great. We're gonna start you at bagging and see how that goes. And then we'll see your other functions. Incredible. How so? How long is training at hb? Well, I think it's just one day. I mean. Yeah. Put the things in the bags. Yes. Don't put the bread in first. Don't put the eggs in first. Everything else is fair game. Try to keep it evenly balanced. And then put the bread and the eggs on top of that stuff. Right? Yep. I was confused by that. Oh, no. Oh, boy. You're in big trouble, buddy. You're in big trouble. Wait, what did. What did. What did Tony say again? The eggs in first off. Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, it's okay. Next week I'm gonna be in the tortillaria. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I don't know. It's what my schedule says. The tortillaria is a part of the hb. Yeah, I. I really hope so. Wow. Otherwise, that's very mean of them. I wonder if they have special music over in the tortilla. What do. What do you think it sounds like? Over. Wow. Unbelievable. The best damn band in the land. Featuring Grooveline Horns AKA Huevos Rancheros. This is so exciting. What else? If they have the tortillaria, what else is there? Tell us more. Do you have your. You have your schedule on your phone there? Yeah, it's in the back. Let's get his phone unlocked. I need the lovely Heidi to unlock his phone. I want to know all the special sections of the heb. I guess I could ask Red Band, but the Tortilla place, they make their own tortillas every day. Fresh tortillas. The best tortillas in the. In the city. Heb, for those of you listening to around the World, I know you're hearing the crowd go crazy. You've heard it come up before. But I mean, there really is no describing how unbelievably. I mean, it's beyond. It makes Whole Foods look like a goddamn Goodwill. It is incredible. Have you. Have you been you. So you've been physically there. Let's pull up this training schedule. You're gonna get fired before you start. Yeah. Just to let you know. I'm just kidding. Heb Love loves us. We have a. We have a mutual relationship. We perform at the HEB center every New year. Am I getting a text? It's weird. What does it say? It's from him? I don't know. Okay. What do we got here? Can I look at it? All right, perfect. Let's see what we got here. This is very exciting. Oh. Welcome to training at heb. Wow, wow, wow. Two Tuesday, no shifts. Wednesday, training. Thursday, no shifts. Friday, no shift. It doesn't. You have no shifts. Here we go. All right, here we go. Thursday, May 22nd. You shall start at 6:00am and work until 2:30 at the Tortillaria. Friday off. Saturday, off. Sunday, 9:15 to 4:00pm Bagger. Wow. It starts big. The next week, no shifts whatsoever. And that's pretty much it you got here. We're off to a good start. That's. Which is perfect because that's when this episode comes out and it makes sense. It's like they already know, right? Yes. You're very excited about it. I love it. How old are you, Jake? I'm 26. 26. You're just adorable, Jake. I gotta tell you. What do you do for fun when you're not. I have a £155 Great Dane. You have £155 pound Great Dane? Yes. This is incredible. And you sure you still have it? Dogs have been getting loose lately. Yeah, there's a lot of. No, I keep a camera on him. I love it. Very good. If you lose that thing. Seriously. Yeah. The other guy earlier could lose a dog. It was probably that big. Yeah. Tiny dog. How long did you bring him? Is he here? No. Just come out and play the drums. What's the great Dane's name Z. Z? Yeah. Okay. What made you name him Z? I don't know. Everything was taken. I was trying to be different. Okay. Very cool. Seemed easy to. I've got something for you. Hold on. Oh, yes. So this is fun. When you go to someone's house for a house party, you bring this and you leave it on their table, and the next morning they're like, what the fuck was doing below at our house? That's for you. That's for the. Yeah. That's for you. That is awesome. I love, love it. I was gonna give it to you, but I gotta fly this ship back to Vegas. I can't. I gotta. I gotta show tomorrow night. I love it. Well, Jake, congratulations. You already have a big joke book. Yes, sir, you do. So keep filling it up. There he goes. Jake Colter, everyone. We're gonna keep flying through it. Here, Jake, put that mic back where you found it there on that ax real quick. There he goes. Jake Coulter. Oh. All right. I guess that's good enough. Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake. There's gonna be bread on the bottom of those bags. Here we go. Ready? Yeah, absolutely. We gotta. We gotta do a better prop. So this is all for the women. Women here. When you go. When you go to the bar at night, you bring your purse. You can decide what guy to bring home at the end of the night. Oh, my goodness. One look at that. So no. Oh, these hoes love it. Look at these hoes. It takes a lot to satisfy their gaping vaginas. These three right here have an insatiable appetite for number three. I do believe. It was, like a glory hole joke, I think. Oh, I love it. It's incredible. This is so awesome. All right, your next bucket pool. Ladies and gentlemen, we know this young man. He's a young legend around these parts. One of the great mothership door guys. You've seen him before. He won an appearance on the New Year's Eve show at the Heb center just this past year. This is, I believe, his first time since then. Make some noise for the next appearance of LAW Coger, everyone. It's LAW yo, yo, yo. So most people don't know this about me, but I'm in the Guinness Book of World Records. Yeah. My city had a hot dog eating contest and I was the first person never to yell gay a thousand times. Yeah. So I'm in therapy. Yeah. My therapist made me delete all the phone applications. That give me anxiety. Yeah. So long, bank of America. I remember one time I was messing with this White girl. No. Yeah, one time I was messing with this white girl that wanted to say nigga during sex. No. Unbelievable. Law Coger, one of the great door guys here at the Mothership, which are all professional stand up comedians selected by the booker, Adam Egot, doing a lot of spots every single week. These are the people. This is the future right here. Carrot Top. What up, bro? He's on the crew. Yeah. Here at the mother. My crew. Fucking is not funny. Seriously. You're fucking funny. My crew, I don't let them look at me though. You let them look at you. You. Yeah, yeah, they're allowed to look at me. Except for D Madness. He never looks at me. You can look at me, Salah. So funny. Unbelievable. I love how present you are. The acknowledging of the dumb white in the middle of the room. Perfect timing. That's what it's all about is being. Having stuff to talk about, but being light on your feet in the moment. Absolutely perfect. Sad. Yeah. You know, it would be now, now, as a prop guy. Sorry. Now the first thing, you walked out, I'm thinking, oh, I'm surprised you didn't. When you had the mic stand, it. You said, look, I know I'm exactly one, like almost the same height as the mic stand. That would be a funny opening joke. No, no, no, no. Leave it where it was. Where you're just, you're right about the same height when it was up right there. You say, huh, look, I'm him. What's the size? I'll stick with props. The other. I'll stick with my props. I just saw Mike and you the same height of the mic and I said, that's a good joke. Yeah, I try to, I try to shy away from the height shit. Yeah. But you. So you open with something like world record something. So it made me think you were gonna say that I'm the. I'm the shortest man alive. No, no, you're not the shortest man alive. No, no, no, no, you're not the shortest man alive. You call me a short ass nigga, bro. We're all thinking, just to let you know, I saw Deep Madness. Looking at the ground when you got on stage. The sound waves are coming from over there. Law, what's it like being a short ass? No. So you're, you're his boss. You can say that. I can't. I can, I can say two thirds of it. Two thirds. I'll say the parts. There you go. I mean, it's cool. You know what I noticed, like, tall women love me, you know I get a lot of. I can fit in their back pocket and like that, right? Yeah, yeah, you could. You could fit in this purse and also probably be a number three, I'm guessing at the same time, which is a very rare treat. There you go. You have that and that it's made for. Oh, damn. Are you. Are you measuring girth? What is that? Yeah, you are correct. You figured it out. That's a girth joke. It's not a length joke. That's a girth. That's true. Jesus Christ. Which one is it though? Which one is it? I'm not asking your girth. I'm saying that prop was about girth, not the length. It was about big old dick. Okay, okay. Which. Which soup lady said they loved earlier? Hell yeah. Now that you're here though, like. Well, he probably has a big dick. Fucks with it, bruh. Probably. Yeah. You ever heard of, you know, white people? White redheads. White people. You sound like me. Yeah. What? Redheads have huge cocks. Is that true? Yes. That's why my hair is purple and green and blue and green. I'm not redheaded. I love it. Law. So what you been doing for fun? Yeah. Tall. Is that true? Yeah, I got a shorty right now. She's like six one. Whoa. You guys go out in public together? Oh, yeah, man. I. I climb trees, bro. Wow. Nice. Oh, big Mike Gonzalez. Excited over there. Another. Let's go. So you're the spinner. That's. I've never heard of a man. There you go. What's a spinner? There you go, Red band. There you go. Okay. So where did you meet this six foot one behemoth? The bookstore. The bookstore? That's where you go to pick up the bitches? Yeah, that or that or Michael's arts and crafts. Oh, very smart. Very smart. You are smart cookie. And what's your. What's your approach at the bookstore? Do you do the thing where like you're on the other side of the bookshelf and when they take a book you're like, hello, like that or something crazy? Yeah. Ghostbusters style. Nah, I try to do like some stupid ass pickup line, you know, I'll be like, like, why haven't I seen you before? Oh, right. That's cause I've been in prison. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's a good pickup line. I bet that works on all the good hearted women. Yeah, no, it bombs pretty often. Yeah, it doesn't work. Amazing. Yeah. Bookstore. I just like the bookstore. What does the six foot one woman do? For a living. Law. She just got her doctorate, so she's a teacher. Her. Oh, like a professor? She's a professor, yeah. Wow. What? What is she teaching? History. Oh, my. What? What? You are right to her. Yeah, yeah. No, I mean to her. No, not you. To her, you're history to her. You're not history to her. You're right. She's. He's history to her. You got it. You got it. She's history. I don't know the way off on a bad thing. I like the height joke. I thought it was funny. Wait, I got one. Hold on. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. I really do. This is great. It's a hanger for. It's a hanger for a midget. I mean, that is timing, right? Is that. You're gonna get that to me. If I had something in the middle of the interview that I could cut him off. Fucking I had it. It was in comedy gold. It was just sitting there like, pull me out of the truck. You made that yourself? No, I do. I make all this shit. Hell yeah, bro. I've got nothing else to do. I literally everything has duct tape and. Yeah. I can't believe you have a hanger for a short person. You can't say midget short person, right? That is so perfect. Damn, Law, you need went to Radio Shack and got a fucking thing. Oh, my God. That's how old that joke was, right when they had an aerial. Absolutely incredible. Law. Anything else crazy we should know about you before moving on? Before he killed me. Oh, yeah. I've been doing this thing. Have you heard of it? It's called semen retention. Called what? Semen retention. Yeah, no, it's like where you like, like choose not to ejaculate. Oh, oh, I'm not into that. Yeah, you got to hold it all in. You hold it all in. They call it curdling, right? Like you curdle it. Yeah. What the. Disgusting. Red band. Settle down. Put the mic down. Red band's the nastiest encyclopedia. Really is. And I'm here next to him every week. Jesus Christ. He always has a term for everything disgusting in the world. Curdling. God. Yeah, curdling's crazy. So how. Why are you doing this? And, and how does the six foot one woman like that. That doesn't seem fun for her at all. It's like cheat, like, you know what I mean? Like, you gotta. You gotta, you know, keep the energy inside you. You. And so, like, you just. I just choose not to do it. Not that that you gotta yeah, you got it. I'm holding back. We're gonna go a month without coming. No, we're not. Yeah. What's the longest you've gone without releasing the many children between your legs? I would probably say. I think it's 97 days. Oh, my God. Wait a second. Stop. Hold on. Everybody just went. Holy. What the. Do you mean you. You didn't hook up with somebody? You didn't jerk off for 97 days? Yeah. Whoa. What happens at the end of 97 days? You have to just get a new place after that. Jesus Christ. That's like when a fire extinguisher explodes or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. So what was that like after what. What made you finally. What. What happened on day 97 where you're like, I gotta just do this. Yeah. You know, you just. You know, I just found a little shorty. I gotta ask you this. Was it. Was it a. Is there any chance it was a blowjob and this poor girl is just basically bonging a beer of semen? Just. What the fuck happens there? Was it sex? Did you just shoot or. Yeah, I mean, it was definitely sex, but it's not as much as you think. It'd be. Like. It's pretty, like, regular. It just feels crazy. It's like I met. I became Buddha, you know, Like I transcended to another level. Wow. Yeah. 97 days. Well, we're all proud of you. Thank you. All right. We're all, like, thinking that's a good thing. Maybe I'll try that. Starting tonight. Yeah. Starting tonight. Yeah. Christmas, I'm telling you. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm never smoking another cigarette again. I'm done with it all. I'm jerking off in the hotel. You got me tonight. Yeah, no doubt about it. Oh, yeah. Mini bar. I'm going in there. Yep. Yeah, I'm not going to come. I'm going to drink the mini bar. Yeah, that'd be weird, wouldn't it? Someone came in the mini bar like. Well, carrot tops done killed Tony. Came in the mini bar. He left the mouth trap. Yeah. I don't know, Red Band. I'd love to have you on the secret show again. Law Coger has done it again. A fantastic, fantastic rising comedy star. And on and on it goes. The great Law Coger Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. I don't know if you knew this, but anyone can get the same Premium Wireless for $15 a month plan that I've been enjoying. It's not just for celebrities. So do like I did and have one of your assistant's assistants. Switch you to Mint Mobile today. I'm told it's super easy to do@mintmobile.com Switch upfront payment of $45 for 3 month equivalent to $15 per month Required intro rate first 3 months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra. See full terms@mintmobile.com hey there, travelers. Kaley Cuoco here. Sorry to interrupt your music, great artist, BT Dubs, but wouldn't you rather be there to hear it live? With Priceline, you can get out of your dreams and into your dream concert. They've got millions of travel deals to get you to that festival gig, rave, sound bath or sonic experience you've been dreaming of. Download the Priceline app today and you can save up to 60% off hotels and up to 50% off flights. So don't just dream about that trip, book it with Priceline. And we are on to our next bucket pool. It is a one word name. Those are always shockingly interesting we find in the 12 years of this show. So let's see if this one keeps the tradition alive. Make some noise for Shino. S H I N O. Here's Shino, everybody. Shino is my high school nickname. My full name is Sean Shinohara. My father, Masanori Shinohara was born and raised in the largest city on planet Earth. Largest, arguably the most interesting city on the face of the planet. Anybody know what city I'm talking about? Any anime fans? Haidomo, Tokyo, Japan and can I take a second to appreciate the fact that if you'd have just stayed in Tokyo, I'd be fully Japanese right now and not this half Mexican abomination. And what? I'm in construction? No, no, no. If I was born in Tokyo, I'd have been like a computer programmer or Pokemon designer or samurai. Yeah, those are all real applications in Tokyo. Those are all real applications. Interviews are free. Fuck around, find out. You might wind up Lord of the Shogunate. Like Lord Toranaga. My Shogun fans. But now. He didn't stay. He didn't stay. When he was 25 years old, he moved from the largest, arguably most interesting city on the face of the planet, right? To where? Right to Corpus Christi, Texas. Corpus Christi, Texas. You know what's in Corpus? You know what's in Corpus? Huh? A whole bunch of Mexicans. A whole slew of Mexicans. And eventually, right? Eventually he knocked up some Mexican. My mom or whatever. All right, the bear has joined the chat. Hello, Shino. Am I saying that correctly? Shino yeah, it's good. Chanel. Hi. It's good. It's good. I had great hair until you showed up. I love. I love the reveal when the kids comedians. McIntyre. Good to see you. She's let herself go. Oh, my God. She looks like she should hydrate. Yeah. I love it. Chanel. Welcome to the Chanel. How long have you been doing stand up? Just started. Tony Ness. Hilarious. When you say you just started, what do you mean? I moved on Halloween to Austin to do this. Man. On Halloween. It's been 23 monies, Tony. It's been 25 Tonys. Because sometimes you have two in one day. Huh. Okay, so you. You have counted. I got the braces at home. And here you are. You finally made it. And that's the minute that you had prepared. You had 23 weeks to possibly come up with more or something different, and that's what you did. It's good. We know who you are. You're definitely half Japanese, half Mexican. You love rice of all kinds. What do you do for work? I'm unemployed. You're unemployed? Yeah. Yeah. How do you. How do you survive? I worked a lot before I came here. I was just like, I'm gonna come to awesome. I worked a lot. I was gonna save up, and I'm eventually. What? I'm gonna save up. Save money. Saved up how? What did you do to do construction. Okay. What type of construction? I'm a glazer. I do commercial glass installation. Okay. I'm on the side of a building, 85 floors up on a swing stage. Oh, yeah. Wow. That is incredible, man. And how much money did you save up to move to Austin? I needed to buy a construction shirt. Leave him alone. Yeah, it's enough. You know, actually, you know what? I have started driving for Uber. I was running low on. Let's go back to my original question. How much money did you save? 10 grand. And then. So you saved 10 grand. That was Halloween. And I was like, you know what? It's going to take me two months to get on kill, Tony. No. It's been a long time. Okay, so you saved 10 grand on. And that was Halloween, right? Yes. So you've just been blowing through that since you got here? No, no. You know, I have savings. I'm 45 years old, Tony. I graduated from Texas A&M 20 years ago, bro. Again, that's one of the local regular audience members cracking up. He laughs at the funniest things. There's something about Sam that. You graduated from Texas A M 20 years ago. Really got Him. So you saved a bunch of money. What do you spend your money on, Chanel? I don't. I don't spend money, man. What's your living situation? Okay, I moved here to an Airbnb, right? I rented the master bedroom. It has its own bathroom, right? And then, like, after the first month, I was like, hey, bro, let's go off. Let's forget about Airbnb. Let's just do our own thing. So I'm just renting a room in this house. Look, Tony, I've done a lot of things in my life. I've taught English in Thailand. I've graduated from. I didn't want to do any of those things, Tony. This is the first time I've ever had a clear goal in my life. I moved to Austin for this. Tony, you turned really Japanese right there. The Japanese side really came out. Did you guys notice that? He was kind of just a. Arigato. So you moved to Austin specifically to become a star on Kiltoni. Have you been practicing? Have you been doing other open mics? It's a long story, Tony, but it's so bizarre that people just wait and don't pr. It's like if you went to go perform at the Grand Ole Opry in Nashville, Tennessee, and it's like, I'll just wait to learn guitar there. I'm gonna pick up a guitar when I get there in Nashville, and I'm gonna show them. You could do. There's literally open mics everywhere every night. There's like 15 a night minimum here within blocks of each other. And you've chosen not to. I was doing those, Tony. I did them for a long time. For the first, like, till January. And then, like, it'd been like, Mondays, and I was just like, oh, you're like, this has been two months. I can't do it anymore. I can't do it. Open mics are open mics. I need an audience, Tony. Okay, you need jokes first, then the audience will come. There you go. I wasn't funny. I wasn't funny. It is true. You're a little bit. You have your. You have your business a little out of order. I'm gonna give you a joke you can do. So when you go out, you have. In fact, let's find a good one. There's not been a good one yet. So when you go out, you say, so this is for. This is for redneck women, so they can still feed their babies and still smoke. We're gonna watch the. We're gonna watch the Price is Right. So the kids. See the kids. The kids. Ah, fuck if it's not working with him. Oh, shit. Lipstick stain. You know, he actually has a. He's half Japanese, half Mexican. So you have a little eating utensil. Utensil. You have an eating utensil that we. This is a. This is a thermometer holder. So you get the right one. You don't want. You don't want your mom to give you the wrong one. We're getting to the bottom of this case, folks. Check your temperature. That's a shitty one. It's getting real scary at the bottom of this truck. You know, the sad thing is, I had to make. I'm just drilling a hole in this. Seriously, I'm backstage. What are you doing? I'm just drilling a hole in this fucking baby's asshole. But it's gonna be great on Kill. Tony, this is so fucking awesome. I'm getting to the bottom of the box. It's getting kind of desperate. It's getting wacky down there. Chanel, what's the craziest thing that's ever happened to you in your entire life? Give us something that makes you. Sets you apart from everybody that's ever been pulled out of this. This bucket before. There must be something that's happened to you or that you've done or something that you've seen in your life. What's the craziest. You're a guest on a podcast right now. Your standup part sucked, and you can save it all right now. Okay, well, like I said, I taught English in Thailand, but that wasn't the most craziest things I see. I've been to. I've been to prison twice in Texas. What? Yeah, man. What did you say you've been with. That you've been to what, prison twice? Yeah. For what? Drinking and driving. What comedians get, you know, both times. Wait, hold on. There's so much happening. You just related to comedians by saying that we get caught drinking and driving a lot. Not these days, because there's Uber and stuff, but my last DW is 11 years ago, so, like, you know what I'm saying? But what. How did you go to prison twice? Well, Tony, you get enough of them, they send you to prison. How many did you get? I got four at the first two. My. I got two. Okay, look, I got two at university, and I graduated, right? I went to Canada, Houston to do sales. Caught a lot. So you drink like a Mexican and you drive like a Japanese guy. Chanel, there's a little joke book we're gonna keep it moving along solid. This guy's shocked by the way, for some reason that he got a little joke book and I said his set suck. He's absolutely shocked right now. Chen, do you think you did, like, great or something? Help me to understand. Did I do good or no? Yeah, you did great. There you go, buddy. Oh, there he goes. I like, I like that. I like that. I like, I like. Hey, Heidi. The ginger palette cleanser of this show. I like, I like that they. That he, he said, you know, all comedians. That was the best part. Like, yeah, comedians that get drinks. Yeah. You know, us comedians always getting. God, drinking and driving my drink. Oh, comedians put me. You gotta put the pudding. All right, all right. This looks like a fun name. Put your hands together for Kimberly Coaster, everybody. Kimberly Coast. That lineman trip is so goddamn money. Drive like a giant. Oh, when I see a hot guy, I'm like, damn, I could have gave birth to him. Probably screwed his dad in college. Yeah. You know, I do get hit on a lot. I wonder if, like, men have a menopause fetish. Like, damn, that cougar could tear me up. I would tear you up. Cause I'm dry as fuck. I, I, I. You would have more pleasure rubbing your wiener on a cheese grater. I spread my knees, tumbleweeds roll out. Last guy came up coughing and, you know, they sent a canary into the cavern. He's dead. It's all dead inside. Fucking amazing, Kimberly. That was true. So good. Again, I don't want to, I don't want to seem like I'm hating on the women. It is so rare that we get a funny female bucket pool. I don't know if it's ever really happened before where we've had two hilarious women pulled out of the bucket. Thank you. Very funny. Thank you. I know. Molly, too. That dry joke really caught us all off guard. Self deprecating and perfectly put. I mean, I don't think anybody saw that coming. Fantastic. How long you been doing stand up? Four years. Awesome. Where at? I started in Denver. I just moved to Austin in January. Congratulations. You moved here for stand up comedy. Say that again. For stand up. Yes. Well, yes. Also, you know, I just became a single mom. Sorry. An empty nester. And you know, I just. How many kids did you have? You had? I have two boys in their 20s. Okay. And they. And they're out and about. They're out and about. They're coming up next. Yeah. What do they do? Well, one, One of them moved to Oregon and the other one he's growing pot. Yeah, probably. Yeah. And the other one is, is joining the army. He actually goes to boot camp in two weeks. We love it. We love it. Patriots. We love the army. We love our country. It's good to have a great military. Not necessary to always have to use it. So here we are, Kimberly. And now you get to be, you know, you're single. I am. I've been single for 15 years. Awesome. Okay, again, the same girls that cheered for the big dick purse are going wild right now. Who would have guessed? I became a single mom when they were 5 and 7. Okay, so the father's black. I say okay. I'm sorry, Carrot Top. There's parts where Carrot Top has to duck down so that he doesn't lose his residency in Vegas. Get in your trunk, Carrot Top. Get in the trunk. I'm going to pull you out of the. I got one for you guys. You're going to love Carrot Top. I love it. We're having fun here. He's Mexican. Oh, okay. Yep. That's close. That was just like. Ah, close. Yeah, that's. That's one. One level. All right, so Kimberly, Kimberly, I love it. What's your date? How do you date? What's your situation? Because you seem like a little. You seem like you got a little. A little feistiness, a little horniness to you. You seem like the. Seem like a real. You seem like you have a little fire behind those eyes. What? I don't know. I used to date a lot, but I had this six month rule when my kids were little. I would only date someone for six months before I met. Let them meet my kids. That makes sense, you know, and at six months I was like, they are not worthy of meeting my kids. So I had a lot of six month relationships. Did you meet the guy Earl that didn't come for a year and a half? Right, I missed that. Wouldn't you? The guy that earlier said he didn't come for like two years. Oh, yeah. Like curdling. Okay. Right. So gross. So none of these guys that you've been with since the baby daddy or the baby padre, I guess we would say. Is that the right word? Yep. Good job. Okay, so you haven't dated anyone longer than six months? Not really. How about just banging? You ever have a good one night stand? Occasionally. Did you hear the pitch that she went to? Yeah, she had a flashback there for a second. Amazing. Hell yeah. You're a little funny, Kimberly. Coaster cougar. What do you do for fun now, Kimberly? Now that You're a Texan. You know, I. I do like karaoke, and I'm. I'm afraid to say that because I don't want you to. Me to sing. I would never. No, I would never. Love Shaq, baby. That's. They always sing that thing. Love Shaq. Love Shaq with the Love shack. Sorry, I don't know what the. In the zone. I love it. I would just. I was Fred Schneider for about two seconds here. Yeah. In Colorado, I had as big as a whale and set sail. Sorry, sorry. I'll stop. All right. So what were you saying there? Oh, in Colorado, like, I had a. A karaoke group. Oh, my goodness. We. We would. We would go around to every. I know. That's great. They're good. They're around to every karaoke place. And, you know, you'd always know the same people. It was like. But I'm finding that. I'm trying to find that here. That is so cute. You're such a sweet lady. I bet you find it just fine here. I hope so. There's a. Have you been to the karaoke places around here? Jackalopes. After Kill Tony. Okay. You need to try. What's that? Egos on Congress. Yeah. You're gonna love it. The place is a real little. Just Ivy crazy dump. It is just a hot dumpy. I mean, it is as Texas creepy karaoke as it gets. The people there are there every night. It's the same people that you will fall in love with. That. This place you drank. Yeah, I love it. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I do. I love it. Okay, relax you a little. There's a dumb. In the middle of the room. Okay. We're having fun here. Kimberly, anything else crazy about your life we should know about you before we let you go? You know, I think my. My apartment's haunted. Oh, tell us more. I. I was. I was practicing yodeling and the. Oh, my God, you're haunted. Yeah, I. I didn't. You know, and this light just kept flashing on and off, and it hasn't done it before or since. And I don't know if it likes yodeling or if it hated yodeling. Well, let's see. We need to hear you yodel. Let's see if you can make the lights flash here, ladies and gentlemen. She's not gonna sing karaoke, but one of the first ever comedians to yodel. And in Kill Tony history. You never know what could happen here on Kill Tony. One second we're laughing, the next we're yodeling. Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Kimberly Coaster. Wow. Ladies. The crowd goes wild. The crowd goes wild. I see my producers are absolutely ecstatic over here. Wow. Kimberly. I'll tell you what, you need to sign up again. This is a big joke book. Kimberly Coaster, everybody. Making her Kill Tony debut. That was great. So much fun. Let's get the one more bucket pool. We'll make it fast because we're in overtime now. It's an extra long fun episode. How about one more time for Carrot Top? We're having fun here tonight. This is so much fun. Built it into that. This is even. This is so. This is literally better than I even expected it to be. I thought it would be this much fun, but it's literally better. It'd be a lot better, actually. I gotta be honest. Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket poll of the night Goes by the name of Charlie Mac, everyone. Charlie Mack. Charlie Mack. Oh, shit. Fuck, yeah. Make some noise one more time for Charlie Mack, everybody. Great. So much fun. Okay, Austin, I see you. I just moved to Austin and this place is amazingly terrifying. No, I've been scared since I got here. I ain't know nothing about this area. They gave me a ride. I said, where we going? They said, this 6th Street. I said, no, I know Gotham City when I see Gotham City. No, 6th street is dangerous out here. I seen somebody get robbed while he was robbing somebody else. And then they tried to put me in a Hotel on 6th Street. I asked the dude in the front, I said, hey, is it safe here? He said, if you can fight, you're gonna be all right. It's crazy. Oh. Oh, you guys are just so brave for sitting in the front. No, I'm just saying that. Cause my last show, I fell off the stage, took out the whole front. I don't know why y' all laughing. The way my body built, I bounce. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. He has arrived. Charlie Mac has joined the fray. Holy. Charlie. Yeah. Oh, you're gonna fit in just fine around here. My goodness. For a second I thought the curtain fell off the back, started floating to the front, and then I realized it was a human being. They always think I'm security. I got $20 today. Like you are something else. Yeah, you are very funny. How long you been doing stand up? Six years. All of it in Houston? No, I live in Austin. Oh, you live in Austin. So how long have you lived in Atlanta? Atlanta. If you gonna pick a black city, least pick, man. I'm from Chicago. Yeah, all right, that makes sense. You look like both a bull and A bear. So this is perfect. It's a show. I'm gonna let you live. Absolutely incredible. I didn't realize Chicago had a black bean. Yes, that is a callback from one year and three months ago. That's right. And still the reigning defending knower of the bean is me. Not a day goes by where I don't hear about the this bean moment. And finally it comes back for a joke. I didn't even know the joke. It was funny. Someone was here. They said they saw the bean in Chicago. I said, what? The. The bean. The crowd freaked out at me. Turns out I was the only person in the world that had somehow, even though I've been to Chicago a hundred times, never saw the bean, never heard of the bean. It just completely avoided me my entire life. Life. Anytime anybody talked about the bean, I wasn't in the room. I've never seen it. I've never heard of it. Now I see it every day. It's in the news every day. People tag me, and I get sent emails about the bean. The Empire State Building, the actual Empire State Building DM'd me. It has an account just like they're like, I love. I love. We love. We love that you don't know the bean. If you ever want a free tour, you and the crew. Crew. Come to the Empire State, though. I get hit up by other landmarks because they love that I don't know the beat. I'm grabbing. And now it comes full circle. They sent me here. The black bean. Yeah. That was so good. I love it. I have 432 questions for you. Charlie, let's go. So you've been doing stand up. What was it, six or eight years? What was it? Six years? Six years. And you're from Chicago? I've been living here about four years now. Okay. What made you move to Austin four years ago? Y' all have good crack. No, I'm just kidding. I don't know. I don't know. No. I have family in Dallas, Houston, and San Antonio. And this was a central hub. I'm like, I can see everybody from here. I love it. I love it. What do you do for work? Oh, I do fraud. I mean, he's good. I didn't mean to say that out loud. I'm in sales. You're funny. He's funny. He's very funny. Do you really do sales? No, I do comedy full time. Okay, perfect. That makes sense. I could see that. How many times have you signed up for the show? Like, this is my fourth time. Okay. Thank goodness. We got you out of there. Yeah. I was like, what? Do y' all not see my name? Charlie Mack. Yes. Yeah. Big Mac. Did you say Big Mac or Big Mac? Both would apply here. That's what my daughter calls me. I love it. Yeah. She remade Dora the Explorer song. I come in, she go, big Back, Big Back. Everybody hide your snacks. It's Big Back. Big. I love it. He's so good. I love it. What do you do for fun in. In Texas? A lot of stuff, but nothing. But listen. Yeah. I'm an author. And I actually brought books for y' all. I make adult. Well, children's books for adults. You make what? Books for adults. Children's books for adults. Oh, I love this. Yeah. And I brought you guys some. Okay. Can y' all bring the books out? Hi. Thank you. Oh, my God. Hey. You're. You're stealing my act. I'm sorry. This is incredible, man. Them Kids by Charlie Mac. This is hilarious. Let me see this one. What is this one? Ah, them Kids. This one's a kid in a crib. It's called lay your ass down and shut the up. Oh, my God. That's great. That's great. Incredible. That's great. That's great. Absolutely amazing. Am I missing one? There's still just two. No, just two. Just two. Perfect. I got the hard copy. I love it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. There is a hardcover. I got the original. Wow, that is amazing. Read the first page on. Man, fuck them kids. Okay, perfect. No, whatever you want me to do, I will do. Charlie, that is. I'm taking orders from you. Whatever you say, I will do. First of all, the first page says, to all pedophiles, I truly apologize for the misleading title. Wow, Charlie Mack, that is so good. Yeah. Now you gotta see the second page. I mean, this is unbelievable. I'm gonna read it. You start with that. I'm just gonna read it. It's gotta be great, right? I don't know how to read, though. I gotcha. I got you these. These kids are. Look. See? It's adorable. It's like, actual pictures of kids. And it says, these kids are bad as fuck. Parents aren't whooping ass enough? If you're slow, you should know I'm here to catch you up Grab a belt, grab a switch or even grab a shoe and if they start acting bad, you should know just what to do Looks good. Parents nowadays, they are soft as baby shit. Just know I'm beating ass if you let me babysit. So good. You know I'm not gonna read the whole thing. Because I want you to sell these things. How can people buy them? Where can people find your books at www.funnycharliemac.com funny charlie Mac.com wow. You are a fucking superstar. You're built for this shit. This is absolutely incredible. Right? Thank you. Thank you. I love it, man. That's so cool. What else do you do? What do you do for fun? I work out, believe it or not. Really? What do you do? Run the Jewel. I just lost £160. Tony. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I was actually. This isn't a joke, but I was hypnotized and I went vegan. Wait a second. Yes. Yeah. My friend, Hypno Goddess, she's a comedian and a hypnotist and she hypnotized me. I woke up three months later in her basement with no kidney. But listen. No, for real. But she did hypnotize me. And it. I. I haven't eaten meat since last May. Isn't that wild? Hypnotized was also one of your hit songs back in the day, wasn't it? Baby, baby, yeah. It was all a dream. I used to eat nothing but ice cream. Look at you now, Charlie. Charlie Mac. Have you eaten some of the local cuisine around here? Have you been to like, Terry Blackest or anything like that? Is that a real place? I heard the word black. I don't know, like. Yeah. Oh, no, I haven't. Okay, we're gonna get you there. I make a lot of my own stuff. Really? Yeah. I just bad from Heb and. Oh, another HEB shout out. I love it. We love Heb around here. I love it. Charlie Mack. My goodness. I. Yeah. What the fuck am I supposed to do with you, Charlie Mac? We already have a David Lucas. But, I mean, you are fun. We'll just call it. You're a golden ticket winner. Congratulations. There you go. Boom. Joining the exclusive club of wildly successful comedians. You will now be famous. You will sell a lot of books. And we're sending you straight upstairs right now to perform in the longer set. And the little boy set, the full time talent booker, the best talent booker in all of comedy. Adam Megan, formerly of the Comedy Store, now of the Mothership. He's gonna watch you do a longer set and perhaps you can become a more full time comedian here at the Mothership. I'm ready. You did it. Here's the big joke book. Charlie Mack, ladies and gentlemen. You saw his Kill Tony debut, the Secret Show. I'm not gonna be on the Secret Show. Thursday he's doing the secret, secret show as well. And there you go. That's how it happens. They're all discovered here. Out of the bucket. A perfect episode of Kill Tony. And ladies and gentlemen, what a special moment this is. William Montgomery went to go see one of his favorite bands tonight. But in his place, I present to you a young man who just so happens to be the talk of all of Los Angeles, all of the industry, all of Austin, Texas. Truly a freak of nature, and one day, very soon will be an American citizen. But for now, he remains the Estonian Assassin. This is Ari. Matt. What's up? Any fat people here? You're fine. I mean, like medical fat. He was fat. I have one fat friend. His name is Matt fat. And one day we were talking and I noticed that me and Matt, you know, we have to use the same toilet bowl. And I noticed that the distance from Matt's cock to his asshole is quite a journey. So I ask Matt, what do you do? Do you just fucking shove it in there? And fat fuck Matt goes, no, I gotta choose. So I ask Matt, okay, so if you go poopy. If you go poopy, does it sometimes happen that peace flies out too, onto the floor and shit. Matt looks at me, he goes, oh, yeah, all the time. That's what I respect about Matt, that even though he's cleaning up his own piss, he's like, fucking worth it. And then he goes, you think that's bad? Matt goes, sometimes I come home and I fucking eat so much shit that I every hole, shit, piss and puke. And he has to sit in the bathtub and just fool Coachella. Just fuck it. Now that should be the McDonald's commercial. Fuck the hot yoga girl with a burger. Oh, my God. Maccas. Put my fat fuck friend Matt in the tub of his own shit, piss and pilk and let the camera pan out. And he just looks at the camera, still loving it. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. The iconic Ari Mati with a new 2 minutes and 50 seconds. Let the record show that he does it every week. And meanwhile, he does extremely long sets, flexing above and beyond even the parameters of the show. With long, brand new, fresh off the presses bits. You've done it yet again, my friend. What's up, Tony? What's up, Brian? Hello, Gareth. I love it. You called him by only his first name. I know. I was the one that was going to wear a Texas shirt to suck up to the crowd, but now someone else wore a Texas shirt. Look at you. Can't have Too much Texas. You're very funny. Thanks. Very funny. Yeah, we've been having fun here all night. Wow. Yeah. What's that? No, I was looking. What do we got in there? Carrot tops? Anything else you want to blow through? Let's see. Hold on. This is it. Ari's the last comedian. Oh, this is a good one. Okay, here we go. Hold on. Let me get my mother. Mic AR sneaking in there. You better keep an eye on him. You can pick one out and guess. That'd be fun. Oh, yeah, that's. There you go. Black baby. Oh, hey. What is that? No, that's a great game. Now, what is that? Yeah, I don't remember what it is either. What do you think that is? Carrot Top? That's a good baby. Oh, don't shake the baby. No, that's like. So it's close, though. It's. It's. It. Well, here, I'll. I think. Here, let it. Yeah, that would have been better than what I would have done. Give it back to Carol. I just say this is the way you can. You can also make a drink and shut your kid up. Like, shut the. If you want to make a drink. Hold on, one more. I made a Shake Weight that has a piece of plexiglass in case it shoots off when you're doing it. Wait, it's got a better ending. Hold on. Then I made one. I made one for Asian guys. Thank you. I want to offend everybody. That's the whole key. You're. This is so awesome. Oh, my God. Right? Look at that. And I'm making. Oh, yeah, my. I'm. I've been canceled. No, you have not. No, this time out, I'm in timeout. No, this is the Second Coming. Trust me. Take it from me. Getting canceled is a huge boost out here. You can be done. You go tell them. I don't want them to find out. I don't want the mainstream to find out. But getting canceled is like a. Yeah. So I should hope. We should be canceled. I should be done. I should be finished. Yeah. Yeah. Ari. Maddie. Anything else crazy happening with you? Well, okay. You. You know I got bad luck, huh? In Florida? Yeah. Fort Myers. I found out that the show that. Do you know who Tito Ortiz is? Tito Ortiz, former light heavyweight champion, ufc. Yes. Apparently he owns a bar called Tito's Cantina. And the person from Florida tells me, if you drive past this bar and you see a white Rolls Royce outside, that means Tito's in the building. I drive past, Rolls Royce is there. I go to the bar. Motherfucking Tito. Tito. And three people, they're watching the ufc. So I sit down, find out they have a raffle. Raffle. I love a raffle. You know what a raffle is? You win shit. There's three other people at the bar. I'm gonna win this fucking raffle. Yeah. I go to Tito, Tito, what's the prize? He goes, it's a bottle of vodka. I'm like, nah. Okay. Then he goes, but the final prize after the pay per view is over. A championship belt. Wow. And I see this fucking belt. And I love belts. Listen, I love belts. I've always. I love belts. I see your belt. I'm with you. Okay, I'm with you. But it's a big, like, champion belt, you know, I never won in MMA. I'm on 03, so I need a fucking belt. Me and a belt. I need that belt. Three people at the bar, raffle belt, championship. So I go, okay, how much the ticket? He goes, 10 bucks. A raffle. One ticket, it's a no brainer. I go, give me 30. Yeah, yeah. He goes, what? I go, give me 40. So I got. I got 40 raffle tickets. I spread them out in my bar. Three other fucks, I'm getting this belt. I spread them out to the bar. I take a selfie to my friends. I'm like, oh, my God, I'm gonna be a champion. You know, I'm playing a high fiving Tito. Hell, yeah. So then, first round, they pull the vodka. Of course I win the vodka. I have all the fucking tickets. Yeah. I'm guessing a bottle of Tito's. Yeah, yeah. And fuck the. Fuck the vodka. I just spray it out. I don't need the vodka. I don't have. Carry on. Anyway, I want the belt. Exactly, dude. My flight is at 4am we wait till 2am for the final raffle. Those people leave, there's one guy sleeping at the bar and my 40 fucking tickets. Tito puts his hand in the bucket. Guess what? The guy wins. Nah. Fuck. Literally, they wake him up. Oh, my God, they put the belt on him. $400, dude. Fuck you. I didn't even get a picture with Tito. Dude, today, Tito post our champ, Tito's Cantina last night, takes a picture with the retard. He goes, everyone had a great night. Oh, did they? Where's my fucking belting? I didn't even get a T shirt. Look, this is me and my raffles. That is a lot. This is me and my fucking raffles. We're gonna put it on this screen. In the YouTube version. We gotta. We have to send those to Red Band. That is so funny. Is it a scam? They have one belt they use every week. I bet that's why the guy's sleeping. He's chilling. He's just gotta be there. Then they put the belt back up again. Oh, my God. Look at that. Idiot. Oh, my God. Yeah, dude. I would look good. Dude. Imagine today I come out. Oh, that would have been great. That would have been great. 40 to 1, my life. Well, you know, we've done a raffle here, and I think there's something in there. 1. There's got to be one more thing that you can win. Remember, we're getting to the bottom of this thing. I love it. I love the bottom. For some reason, I like the bottom. I like the bottom more than. Oh, well, busted. I like the bottom more so. So when you. When. When you. When. When you run out of gas, right? You look like a dick when you're walking down the street, like, hey, help my. Can you help me get gas? You dumb, right? Yeah. No one's gonna pick you up. So I made this. So you put the gas can inside here, and then you. You hold that and you're like, hey, you want to help me? He's got. I'm just trying to get Budweiser to be a SP sponsor. Yeah. That's brilliant. That was the only reason. Brilliant. Well, I already have Bud Light. That's amazing, you guys, honestly, and I'm not just saying this, you guys are a awesome crowd, man. We had so much fun with you. I can't. I can't imagine. I really can't. Thank you for having me. More. This has been killed, Tony. Brought to you by Talk Space, Shopify to Copas and Zip Recruiter. One more time for the great Ari Maddie. Ari. Thank you, brother. Future American citizen and UFC championship belt holder, the great Ryan Je. Belt has an amazing drawing that's in. As always, every week while we are here, he draws our guests. That's an on the spot painting a carrot top. Holy. And let's see what the local artist Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, it's Chris Rogers drawing Chris Rogers. I love it. Oh, my God. You're really good at drawing yourself, Chris. You nailed that. You know your face very well. Amazing Chris Rogers art. He's in the lobby slinging merch and whatnot. Guys. Catch him at Luxor. A Residency of over 30 years. 40 plus years as a comedian. How loud can this place get? One more time for the great Carrot Top, everybody. Come on. Unbelievably stunning performance. We love it. Carrot top has joined club shack, baby. The kill Tony universe. Thank you. To talk space shocker. Fight Zacovis and ziprecruiter. What an unbelievable show. One more time. Congratulations to Charlie Mac. Another golden ticket winner is joining our extreme extraordinarily large family and he's an extraordinarily large man. Red band. Check out The Sunset Strip atx.com Love you guys. We're doing a lot of stuff, people. Madison square Garden. I'm doing stand up there with the killers of kil Tony. A rare absolute super union where me and the superstars of the show doing stand up together. And of course Madison Square Garden Night 2 in August we have it both nights, one night of stand up comedy where I headline with my new unbelievably. I mean I just have to say it's so well written and so well performed this new hour that I'm doing and. And kill Tony the next night. A new annual tradition. Madison square garden and kill Tony come coming together. I love you guys. Thank you all so much. God bless this audience and God bless the United States of America. Thank you. Good night, Sam. The sunset Strip comedy club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out red band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.