Marriage Expert: 'The Early Years Nearly Broke Me' - 33 Years of Marriage and the Seasons Nobody Warns You About

Summary

Konnected Minds Podcast
Episode: Marriage Expert: 'The Early Years Nearly Broke Me' – 33 Years of Marriage and the Seasons Nobody Warns You About
Host: Derrick Abaitey
Guest: Mama Cathy, Founding President of Family Renaissance International
Date: February 13, 2026

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Episode Overview

This special Valentine’s Day episode features Mama Cathy, a relationship and marriage expert with 33 years of personal marital experience and more than 25 years in family counseling. The conversation delves into the unspoken challenges and seasons of marriage—especially the early years—and explores topics most couples never anticipate. Through candid storytelling and expert wisdom, Mama Cathy reflects on the transformative journey of marriage, financial dynamics, gender roles, conflict, communication, and the foundations needed to build a resilient partnership.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Realities of the Early Years in Marriage

• Transition and Ill-Preparation: Mama Cathy reflects on entering marriage young, just out of university, unemployed, and lacking counseling or preparation.
  • Quote: “We were not really prepared for marriage, and in the context of Christianity... you were open to marrying any other person who said he or she was a Christian.” (07:27)
• The Strain of Financial Inequality: Her husband provided all finances while she contributed domestically—revealing how financial imbalance impacts emotional fulfillment and self-worth.
  • Quote: “... no matter how the other partner tries to make you happy, you still feel that you could have been better off if you had [your own money].” (12:03)

2. Redefining ‘Contribution’ in Marriage

• Beyond Money: She stresses that domestic labor, childrearing, emotional and spiritual support are invaluable, though often not financially quantified.
  • Quote: “When you redefine contribution, you discover that money is not the only parameter that makes marriage work.” (09:31)
• Mutual Respect for Roles: Recognition of non-monetary contributions is vital to prevent resentment and inferiority complexes.
  • Quote: “If you quantify them, they also amount to so much.” (11:13)

3. Navigating Financial Dynamics: Transparency, Teamwork & Vision

• Financial Transparency – Not One-Size-Fits-All: The ideal is openness about earnings, but context matters. Some partners can’t be trusted with financial information, which complicates blanket advice.
  • Quote: “Financial transparency, oh my goodness, 101%. But you see, every marriage is not the same.” (74:42)
  • Story: A woman’s husband took money meant for household needs to fix his side chick’s car. (78:02)
• Shared Vision Over Budgeting: Vision for family life must precede conversations about splitting finances.
  • Quote: "Vision should come before budget... Vision, clarity of where we are headed, what kind of a life do we want to build?" (19:37)
• Joint & Separate Accounts: Both can work, provided there's clear agreement on how expenses and investments are managed.
  • Quote: "We may have different bank accounts, but the family income is one... we run independently, we know exactly where the family is headed." (56:33)

4. Gender Roles: Support, Collaboration & Respect

• Working vs. Stay-at-Home Partners: There's no moral high ground; agreement, fulfillment and seasonality are key.
  • Quote: “The important thing is, be where you know you are comfortable, because marriage requires peace.” (16:15)
• Joint Effort at Home: Domestic duties should not be seen as ‘helping’ one’s partner but as joint responsibilities, especially when both partners work.
  • Quote: “Helping out in the family is not helping your wife... Parenting is joint.” (58:39)
• The Danger of Superiority/Inferiority Complexes: Both men and women must avoid power plays tied to financial contributions.

5. Communication & Understanding Pre-Marital Trauma

• Importance of Deep Communication: Open dialogue is ‘the blood of the relationship’—critical to prevent silent competition and conflict.
  • Quote: "Communication knocks down that mindset [of competition]." (28:20)
• Understanding Each Other’s ‘Content’: People bring unresolved childhood trauma, upbringing, and societal baggage into marriage.
  • Quote: “Let me be bold enough to say this. So many women have been broken.” (33:51)
• Patience and Healing: Men (and women) should not add to each other’s pain but work patiently to support and heal, seeking professional help if required.

6. Divorce, Separation & The Myth of the ‘Wrong Person’

• Almost any marriage can be fixed with adequate help and knowledge—even those with “irreconcilable differences.”
  • Quote: “Wrong... is founded on ignorance and some things you were not exposed to. So there are things that you can be exposed to that brings order back to your life.” (54:03)
• Premarital Preparation Is Crucial: Mama Cathy advocates intense premarital counseling, including personality assessments and digging into family histories.
• Notable Insight: “Most people have broken people terribly, immensely. It’s only the clothes that cover some of the idiosyncrasies…” (42:36)

7. The Purpose of Marriage: Legacy, Not Just Money

• Marriage as Dominion and Legacy: Referencing Dr. Myles Munroe, she emphasizes the original spiritual and societal purpose of marriage—far beyond personal gratification or material gain.
  • Quote: “Marriage is more about legacy. Marriage is more about dominion… Until we realize that, there will always be issues.” (65:51)
• Purpose Over Profit: Marry for shared purpose and legacy, not just for financial security or attraction.
• Role of Upbringing & Society: Many dysfunctional marriage attitudes are inherited from broken homes or society at large.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments (Timestamps in MM:SS)

• “No man wants to marry another man.” – Mama Cathy on the importance of respect in marriage, especially for men (94:56)
• “Never in capital letters marry a man you cannot respect.” (94:20)
• “If you do not want divorces to skyrocket... come up with a vision. Vision of what kind of family do we want to build?” (19:37)
• “Any marriage can work, except you are married to demons… maybe, but I don’t think so.” (55:06)
• “Don’t use courtship for honeymoon, otherwise the person will use honeymoon for courtship.” – On the danger of not preparing for marriage (81:14)
• “Early years—sometimes very challenging for me. The early years is saddled with a lot of expectations… they are smashed.” (99:20)
• “Feelings bring people into relationship but values keep and sustain relationship.” (81:14)
• “Most training is for the formative years.” – On the deep-rooted effects of childhood and upbringing (74:42)
• “Love is sweet. When money is inside, the love is sweeter.” – Derrick, with Mama Cathy acknowledging the truth and cautioning against letting money corrupt legacy or peace (73:22–74:34)

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Important Segments & Timestamps

• Mama Cathy’s Background & Mission: 03:13–05:51
• Early Financial Struggles & the Role of Money: 07:27–12:26
• Redefining Contribution—Domestic and Spiritual Labor Matters: 09:29–11:53
• Are Women Happy Relying on Husbands Financially? 12:03–14:48
• Gender Roles and Joint Responsibilities: 57:56–59:07
• Pre-Marital Trauma and Knowing Your Partner: 33:51–38:43
• Should Women Reveal Their Salaries?: 74:34–80:52
• Advice for the Younger Generation: 81:14–90:31
• What Women Value Most in Marriage: 90:31–91:15
• Creating a Marriage Blueprint (“Don’t marry blindly”): 91:24–92:54
• Respect as the Bedrock of Long Marriages: 94:20–95:21
• Are Marriages Getting Better or Worse?: 96:09–97:53
• Cycles and Seasons in Long Marriages: 97:53–101:08

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Actionable Takeaways & Hacks

• Premarital Preparation: Take the time—more than 6–12 months—to deeply understand your partner’s inner world, values, trauma, and dreams (42:11–42:36).
• Have a Written Manifesto: Create a blueprint or written vision for your marriage by the 10th anniversary, covering finances, children, career, intimacy, and legacy (91:24–92:54).
• Communication Is Key: Defuse competition through ongoing, honest, and empathetic dialogue (28:20–35:01).
• Redefine Success: Build marriage on shared purpose, values, and legacy—not just financial indicators or physical attraction (65:25–67:56).

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Advice for Young (and All) Couples

“No woman should follow a man blindly without a vision… feelings bring people into relationship, but values keep and sustain relationship.” (81:14)
“Don’t marry blindly. Don’t just say it will work.” (92:54)
“Respect. Never in capital letters, marry a man you cannot respect.” (94:20)

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Notable Segment – The Seasons of Marriage

Mama Cathy details that the first 7–8 years of her marriage were especially tough due to mismatched expectations, financial hardship, and childrearing challenges. Only with time, communication, and mutual growth did the relationship stabilize, ultimately “becoming heaven on earth”. (99:19–101:08)

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Closing Thoughts

This episode is a rich tapestry of hard-won wisdom, candid storytelling, and practical guidance. Whether single, engaged, or long married, listeners will find both comfort and challenge. Building a great marriage is not about avoiding pain, but about gaining skills—vision, communication, self-awareness, and intentionality—to move through every season as a collaborative team.

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Links to Mama Cathy’s books and contact information are available via the episode notes and social channels.

Transcript

[A]

There are things that should be sorted out before marriage. Because if you wait, when I came into marriage, I wasn't working, so I didn't have the money power. So my husband was really the one in charge of providing the finances for the home.

[B]

Were you truly happy at the time when your husband was the only person providing financial.

[A]

I love this. You want a candid answer? Yeah. There are some ladies, they picture an image of a husband. To them is just an ATM machine.

[B]

Women initiate divorces the most women may.

[A]

Initiate because they get in there and.

[B]

They discover that if you contribute 50% of your salary to the family, and I do 50%, should I also help you in bathing the children cooking?

[A]

Men should also support their women in the home office.

[B]

What does a man supporting a woman need? Two people get together and the man wants to start a business. In your view, should the woman support the business or should she do her own thing?

[A]

The quality of the players in marriage determines whether you see competition or collaboration.

[B]

You've been married for 33 years plus, are marriages getting better or getting worse? Should women tell their husbands exactly how much they are earning?

[A]

Oh, my goodness, 101%. But you see.

[B]

So you're welcome to Connected Minds Podcast. My name is Derek Abayite and if you didn't know on your phone, you can go on Spotify, you can go on Apple podcast as well and search Connected Minds Podcast. And you will be able to listen to our podcast when you are going for a run, when you're on your way to work, or when you're cooking.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Whatever you're doing, you can listen to Connected Minds. So it doesn't always have to be YouTube, but if it's your first time here, please subscribe because we're doing mean something spectacular in this studio. My guest today is the founding president of Family Renaissance International. She is Mama Cathy, a relationship expert. She's been married for 33 years plus and has been doing this for 25 years, helping families come together, get understanding about marriage, finances, and every other things in between. So you don't want to miss this because as is Valentine's Day, we are giving this to you as a special edition. So stick with me, stay with me and enjoy this conversation. I'm actually very excited for this conversation, maybe because of all the things we've spoken about, but you're welcome to my studio. Mama Cathy.

[A]

The pleasure is mine. I am highly honored to be here with you.

[B]

I appreciate it.

[A]

I appreciate you, an amazing person.

[B]

Thank you. Thank you. I want to get deep into it. My first question is, what do you do for people?

[A]

I provide solution once. Okay. Before I get started, let me say very warm, blessed day to every person that is connected to the Connected Minds podcast. I have missed you people, and I just came at the right time. Anyway, so I'm sending my shout out to all of you. Okay. My desire is to help people. Why do I do what I do to bring people to a place of peace? Because life itself is very challenging. Finding solutions to issues that would have been a problem, most especially as it relates to relationship. So I find purpose in reaching out. I find fulfillment in giving clarity. What do I do? It's giving clarity to people on the issue of relationship, family life, marriage, and helping people navigate the rough terrain of life because we were created for relationship. Anyway, so my desire, my purpose, my everything is to bring people to a place. Awesome. Where they can balance their pursuit with peace as it relates to relationship.

[B]

So we are going to have a conversation for about. Or we are having a conversation which is going to last about an hour and a bit more. My favorite question, really is, why should anybody sit through this conversation and watch it all the way through to the end?

[A]

What a brilliant question. Oh, 2026, a new year. Why should somebody sit through this conversation? Yeah. Without wanting to sound like I'm selling myself out, I would say anybody that dares to sit and listen to this conversation we're about to have will gain clarity, gain insight, gain knowledge, walk away with the wisdom that will guarantee them peace in the next 40, 50 years.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Answer questions that they had been looking for answers to for so long as it relates to transitioning from where they are to where they ought to be in. Within the confines of relationship, and then coming to a place where they are not only gaining knowledge for themselves, but they become the powerhouse that will now release information and knowledge to other people. There's going to be a lot of wisdom released. Yeah. Today.

[B]

Yeah. You've been. Maybe I should tell the story of how, you know, my team started reaching out to you because one of my previous guests wrote your name under a post. And then we were really thinking through it, but, you know, the name kind of left me. And then getting to the end of last year, it came back to me again. So I told the team that 2026, Mama Cathy is part of the people I'd really love to interview. And, you know, Hayford went to start doing the work. You know, I think for a week, he didn't get anything back. And then we went back again to try to reach you out. And then we found you. I'm really happy for this. But my real first question is, you've been married for 33 years plus. Now, to really qualify you into everything that we're going to speak about.

[A]

About.

[B]

40% of marriages fail because of finance money. For the 33 years that you've been married. What aspects of. For the 33 years, how have you really managed your affairs when it comes to finances?

[A]

As a person? Yes. In helping other people?

[B]

No, I said as a family.

[A]

Okay, fantastic. Okay. Okay. Wow. Putting me on the spot. Okay, so I'm gonna share my life. When I came into marriage.

[B]

I had.

[A]

Just graduated, I wasn't working, so I didn't have the money, power. And as at that time, there wasn't much of marital counseling, you marry based on the fact that there was connection, either socially or spiritually or otherwise. So we were not really prepared for marriage. And in the context of Christianity, where we were all, you know, we were formed when once you were a Christian, you were open to marrying any other person who said he or she was a Christian.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So I came into marriage just as a student that had just graduated. So my husband was really the one in charge of providing the finances for the home. And somebody will want to say, was there control? Was there superiority from the person who was literally in charge? No. Why? Because in our time, there were no televisions that really would give so much information about relationship as per day squabbles that could be. There were no telephones. I didn't have them. What I'm simply saying here is in those times, information was limited, it was scarce, so influence was also reduced. So addressing this noun in retrospect is bringing every person watching to the place of knowing that my answer as at what was obtainable then is different from what is obtainable now. We've got to be able to see the difference. So my husband took care of literally everything. But I'm going somewhere in this conversation today because when we are talking about managing finances, how things were financially speaking, in the marriage and all of that, we have to redefine contribution.

[B]

Okay, take me there.

[A]

Because if you don't redefine contribution, we may limit provision to just the person that is able to bring the means in. But when you redefine contribution, you discover that money is not the only parameter that makes marriage work. Money is not the only thing, resource that is brought in. There's somebody that takes care of the domestic needs might not be quantified monetarily, but there's somebody who takes care of that, okay, apart from domestic needs in the family, you're also having somebody who takes care of spiritual assignments, praying for the family to thrive, to succeed. And all of that might not be money, but it's something. There is also taking care of children, which you don't quantify monetary terms, but somebody does that. What I'm simply saying is if you want to make money, not the problem in a relationship or marriage in this context, you must be careful to know that money is not the only denominator. There are other things that is brought in, and if you quantify them, they also amount to so much. So, going back to myself, I believe that my husband recognized the fact that I may not have been working then, I may not have been gainfully employed then, but I was taking care of the home front. And so there was the equal balancing out of what each of us brought to the table. And he respected it so well and did so well in managing such that I wasn't left scrambling for the leftover or the bread crumbs, which most people probably, if they are in control of money in a particular season, and they do not value what the other partner brings in, which may not just be in monetary terms. You now look down and you feel superior and the other person feels inferior, and then it destabilizes the equation of the marriage. And then you weaponize that this inequality in such a way that the person who is not bringing acid were myself, then I would have been dehumanized and brought to a level where I would have felt inferior, felt like, not needed. But I think that was not the case then. But in this generation, we've got to look at that. And the younger generations have to know that it's not only money, There are other things that also.

[B]

But I guess the real question is that were you truly happy at the time when your husband was the only person providing financially?

[A]

Was I truly happy? You want a candid answer? Yeah. You see, because of the value we've placed on money, no matter how the other partner tries to make you happy, you still feel that you could have been better off if you had. So as a human being, there were times I felt I should have had my own money. That answer your question?

[B]

It answers it beautifully. Now, the reason I ask this question is, which is going to lead on to the next one, actually, is that you were not made to stay at home, were you? You were not?

[A]

No. Nobody goes to school to stay at home. You go to school to work. Based on that understanding then.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But let me interject you see, knowledge has a way of opening your eyes to things that ordinary people will not give credential. Life is in seasons, okay? When people come into relationship, there is a need to know that how you come in where you are met may not be how it will play out in the next few years. So that's. There's a season you may be up there, there's a season you may be down. But the important thing is that you manage those seasons well. If you are the one up or you are the one down, manage them well. So I may not have been completely happy. Like I said, I still go back. There wasn't a lot of counseling. There wasn't a lot of knowledge, There wasn't a lot of understanding. There wasn't a lot of exposure. So nobody sat us down to tell us, okay, in this season, you may not be able to do abcd, and so you need your money. Or you may hold back because that season will also change. And it brings me to the place of saying, as a young person that entered into marriage not too long, I had a baby. And you realize that if I'm in pursuit of money, it will be at the expense of taking time to nurture the children when they come. So in order for equality, I may push myself well ahead of time. And that's what most people do. They don't do it. They don't do it because that's what they want to do. But sometimes we. We don't know it or we are not completely aware of the consequences of certain actions. So I am saying anybody who is listening to me now should borrow lessons from what I did not know starting off in marriage. And that if you come into marriage as a woman that I was and I am still okay. And there's a disparity maybe because you are not making ends meet, you are not making money. Slow down, improve on yourself, work hard on yourself and realize that the season will change and when that season changes, the money will come. But it's even best to have conversations as a couple to make up for these excesses that could come out of ignorance. Because there's nothing as comforting as knowing that I'm not earning. But you're covering my nakedness completely. I repeat what I just said, that I'm not earning, but that we have robust conversations on areas that will make you recognize how I feel about how the expenditure profile or the management of the resources is being handled, such that I don't harbor any kind of bitterness or resentment because I feel left out. And I think My husband, to a great extent did a good job because I never felt so he covered, he provided, he did all that he needed to do and at the right time, pushed me out when the children were born.

[B]

Well, I mean, how about the woman who naturally is okay with the husband taking care of them, regardless of their education, educational status.

[A]

There'S nothing wrong with that. We are brought up differently perspective, very different. How we see life, very different. What we learned from other people, very different. So there may be a woman who comes into marriage and is very comfortable sitting home and just being covered by the husband is. And there are quite a number of people, number of women that do that. But if you are not that kind of a woman, because we are different temperament, we are different personalities. Every woman is not the same. Yeah, okay. For the one that has the drive and feels satisfied going out there to source for her own income, there is nothing wrong. To the one who feels comfortable sitting back at home and being provided for, there is nothing wrong. The important thing is be where you know you are comfortable because marriage requires peace. Come to the place where what you are doing produces peace for you and peace for the person you are married to. As a woman, if you sense that you are not the type of woman that would love to sit back at home and just be comfortable with what your spouse blesses you with, have a conversation with your spouse, very robust conversation for that, and let your spouse know, okay, I'm sacrificing the first five years or seven years or 10 years, taking care of the children and all that. And even if I don't take a secular job, I would suggest that probably you set me up, let me do some business, because I feel redundant sometimes and I want to be engaged. I'm the kind of person that would love to be engaged, to be productive. That's just my nature. And truth be told, I believe that we're created to be very productive people. But for the one who decides that the husband can cover up for whatever they, they feel they want, that's okay. You can't impose anything on another person, right? You can't. You, you, you, you have to allow people, you have to allow people feel comfortable in their skin and in what they prefer. But I would say for women going by the. Data, going by the numbers, where something probably could happen in that marriage or relationship and it breaks.

[B]

I mean, think about this, right? When between men and women, women initiate divorces the most, right?

[A]

I'm not, I'm not aware of that.

[B]

Oh, no, no. The data, the data shows they initiate divorce the most. And I've always asked myself the question, I mean every marriage is, is different and we may not truly know, but if really finance is an aspect of the some women may choose to divorce, then what really is? There is a true reason why. I mean, you counsel people, you coach people, what have you heard as the true reason why people do in aspect of finance?

[A]

Vision should come before budget. Okay, what is vision? Mental picture of a preferred future even with resources. Vision, clarity of where we are headed, what kind of a life do we want to build? Women initiate divorce most times is because some women let me not let me be generous. Some women, okay, are carried away so they don't truly engage and know the vision the man they are marrying carries. And when that vision, even financial vision, is not properly communicated, they're bound to be problems. So the answer to the question is women may initiate because they get in there and they discover that comfort is not just about money. They want time, they want attention, they want affection, they want a number of things. And they discover that they have all the money, but they are not satisfied with just the money. They want something more. And the man says, I've provided everything. There is nothing you call for even when you don't call for. I make it available. And the woman says, I don't want the things I want to. It's like men. Some men don't understand that male and female are wired differently. As much as the provision is needed, is appreciated, it's best to understand that if you do not want divorces to skyrocket and that you become a victim of such a thing, you've got to be able to come up with a vision. Vision of what kind of family do we want to build? What kind of legacy do we want to create? What kind of inheritance do we want to give our children? Are we going to raise survivors? Are we going to raise dynasties? All these zeros around money sit down and have deep conversation around these areas that makes a woman know that she's coming into a situation where it's not a unilateral decision making when it comes to finances. But based on these parameters, we put on the table of the kind of home a common shared vision, even as it relates to finances. This is where we are then divorce will really, truly be a thing of the past. But most times divorce come as a result of the fact that not much is communicated. And just take what you see, okay, without engaging on the modalities that make the person feel a part of it. I will in no way subscribe to divorce. No, I will in no way to subscribe to. I will in no way subscribe to it.

[B]

Yeah, but watch this. Two people get together and the man is heavily entrepreneurial, wants to start a business. I mean, the woman knows the vision, right? They've had this discussion that this is what, you know, he really wants to do. As a matter of fact, before she met him, he already had a business that he was working on. The two of them come together and as part of the family plan, is really to build a legacy for the family. Now in your view, should the woman support the business to allow the family to build a legacy, or should she do her own thing?

[A]

Brilliant question there. It takes us back to shared vision. See, most times I would say not many women will come. I know there are some bad knots. Not many women will come into the life of a man who has clarity with regards to where they are heading, has built a business, wants to expand, wants to build a dinner. He wants to expand and make the business, you know, massive and something to leave behind for the next generation. And then you've communicated with your wife. The real issue is not joining force with you to build. But you know, I said something earlier and I go back to it. There is. How do I put it now? Avalanche of information. Avalanche of information. So that woman you married that would really want to support you, stumbles on information that a woman supported a husband and at the end she was thrown out. You know, we are, we are byproduct of information that hits us. Accept your grounded and mature in deciphering what to take in and what to. So if she stumbles on such a thing that some women helped and then they were thrown out or the mother was thrown out. Effect of upbringing, effect of what she saw, she may want to support, but based on the antecedents of what she saw before, she may not be willing. So now the onus lies on the husband to bring her to a place where she understands that whatever produced you, good or bad, is not what is going to be the outcome of who we are. So if you have any premonitions of the past that didn't work out, that this is not where we are, help us build this, but in helping us build this common business as a family. I want to ask, do you have dreams and aspirations no matter how small? Because God never created any junk. So I believe you have dreams. Can you share your dreams and aspirations with me so that I can also encourage you, no matter how small, do something on the side because that will Bring the best of you out. So now it is not just the woman coming to support the agenda of the man, which is 100% good, but seeing a man who is also interested in digging deep into who she is and trying to bring her out so that in supporting him and her dreams are not dead. So is the balance, is the balance that women want sometimes not to come into a place where you lose yourself completely, you lose your essence. And you know that everybody carries creativity. Nobody is created with nothing to add to the society. It may be within a limited time frame based on the seasons of a person's life. So it's important that we know for peace to reign in marriages. And when issues of marriage come up, it is important to know that men, some men have to come to the place where they know that communication is key. Even though we are discussing business and the future of the business and the family, communication is key. And most women who completely ignore the fact that they were supposed to come and support and also encourage and also nurture on because they feel left out, not limited information comes, they kind of feel a sense of threat that, oh my God, I don't think I'm a part of what is going on. Okay. So I always would advise when people come to the counseling table, I will tell men there is nobody that is really weirdo. There is nobody. It's the effect of upbringing, effects of environment that raised a person, significant emotional experiences. The person had these three things contribute to who you ultimately have as a support base or as counterproductive human. So give attention to seeking knowledge in these areas so you can have a support that will take over the business for you. Even if he doesn't follow you to the office. But he will pray for you, encourage you, do everything. Because if he feels safe in the fact that I came and met you, pushing, succeeding and all that, and that I don't want to be reduced to just an object in your home, but that you carry me along. They know where I'm coming and understand my mindset. So as you work around with me, I will fully comprehend that we are in this together. But don't also make me feel that I don't have dreams or I am not somebody to be supporting. Wow.

[B]

I felt that that was. That came from the heart straight. There comes a time when all of this may can begin to feel as if man and woman are in competition.

[A]

Communication knocks down that mindset.

[B]

Let me stop you here for a minute. So if it's your first time watching connected minds or you have been here before, but still have not subscribed. Do us a favor, because majority of the people that watch our videos have not subscribed. This doesn't help us grow beyond what we expect. So help us by hitting the subscribe button. Thank you. Now let's get back to the conversation.

[A]

You've often hear that communication is the relationship, what blood is to the body. Okay. Okay. Let me. Because we are in the season, we just ended the season of Africa cup of Nations. Yeah. Okay. So let me borrow lessons from football.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

There's nothing like competition when we have a winning team.

[B]

But how do you have a winning team when everyone has got their dreams and aspirations?

[A]

That is where I'm coming to. Okay. Communication. Winning team means we are unique, we are special, we are. We are expert. We are excellent at what we do. I play attack, you play defense. Nobody plays midfield. We are all fantastic players. But there is a coach that tells you if you want to play independently, you're not going to go far. So the quality of players, competition is knocked out. The feeling of competition in marriage is knocked out when two partners come to a place of knowing the quality of their lives. And if they cannot fish it out themselves, they pay professional helpers to help them come to the place where they know the quality of their lives. I go back to what I said earlier on. I may sit down here. You see me as a potential wife that will support you so much. But if you do not dig deep, you may not know whether I was raised in a home that was dysfunctional. And even though I tried to put up a front that I am who you believe I am, that will bring you to me, ultimately, there will be triggers that will make me go back to my upbringing. And the things I saw, which you may not even know, I may not have shared with you, but those things are at the back of my mind. The environment that raised me, that we fight for everything. So the competition mentality is that I may have been raised in a barracks. And so you need special wisdom to be able to tell me. Because there was survival of the fittest. Although I look polished, I look educated, I look talented, I look whatever. The effect of the environment that birthed me is still rac. And it's just a little trigger. And I'll show you where I came from. Okay. And that my upbringing could have been such that I had been shift from one house to the other. Or even my parents, they were very wealthy, they were so sound, they were everything you could. But then there was no time given. So I'm A person that is devoid of love. I'm a person that I had everything going for me but I didn't have attention, I didn't have affection. So now you are coming to want to be the head to want to get me in. But I'm still struggling of where I'm coming from, am I? Can I trust what you are doing? Because the effect of where I'm coming from is still is staring me at the face and in my subconscious I'm hearing. And then you know. So now the quality of the players in marriage determines whether you see what I said earlier as competition or collaboration. When you are done with the quality of the players, the pattern of play. The pattern of play requires that you fish out your opponent and understand their pattern of play. Because if you do not understand, no two marriages are the same. You may have a person who is married to a wife like you seated here. You have a friend who is equally married and the wife does abcd and you want your wife like that. No, it doesn't work like that. Pattern, pattern, quality is one thing. Pattern of play requires that you know the strength of the opponent and so who, who are the opponents to your good marriage and financially understanding marriage that you want to create? Sit down and talk about it. What are the possible things that can challenge the the mindset of a person and bring the person to seeing this marriage as competition and not collaboration? I repeat it again because if you sit me down and I understand you and you understand me, that understanding will weave something that brings us to a place of knowing that we are a team, we are not competitors and that competition mindset will be eroded. But it doesn't happen overnight. You may not be able to handle it all by yourself, but you can get help. So what am I saying? I know that there are so many the Gen Zs, so many of them that come in with competition, they want to prove who is on top and all of that is lack of knowledge and ignorance and that should be sorted out before marriage. There are things that should be sorted out before marriage because if you wait, those dysfunctional tendencies will be used as weapons against a fantastic marriage that could have properly been managed for the greatest result. So I always encourage pre marital intense premarital exposure to knowledge and wisdom and that digs out a lot about a person. Let me tell you something. You are not the man that wears the shirt and the trouser in front of me. You are a culmination of a lot of things. And so when you meet a woman, a woman is a Culmination of a lot of things. And let me be bold enough to say this. So many women have been broken. So many girls were broken before they were married. And so most of these clamoring for notice, and all of this, the competitiveness, they are not competing against you. It's about the backlog of trauma that may not have been resolved, and they are looking for the next victim to lash on. That's the woman's perspective I'm bringing on board. Now, most women may have been violated, may have been abused, may have been molested, may have been talked down on, may have been considered inconsequential. And so you see a very beautiful, glamorous woman, but you do not know the content. That what you are seeing may just be the container.

[B]

How do we know the content?

[A]

The content?

[B]

How do we know that?

[A]

How do you know the content? Yeah, I love this. Okay. How do you know the content? It takes time.

[B]

See, I just met Miguel right now. I met her many years ago. What process should I go through to know the content?

[A]

First of all, meet the person with the mindset of friendship. Number two, seek for opportunities to create trust that you are not coming as one of the bandwagons of people that had abused her one way or the other. Okay? And that will go through rigorous testing. She will test you. There are certain actions she may put up. Oh, my God, I love this. Now. Okay, so let me address men and bring a little bit of knowledge to some men who. To all the men that are watching this episode. Don't add to the statistics of men that abuse women, because you actually produce the west out of these women. And there are most of them that have been broken and wounded. So how do you. Now, let's get back the content. This is water in this cup. But this can be so beautiful, attractive. It's not breakable. So you know that this can survive whatever storm. If it drops, you pick it up. And all this. There's a content that is inside this glass. It came crystal clear with water. But this water now doesn't look like water. Again, the color is either deep red or deep blue or deep green. Something had infiltrated this glass of water. How do you clean it? How do you clean this water now and get it to be purified? The first thing to consider is the fact that you must not add to whoever tinted the color of this water. And so you need to work on yourself and gain knowledge as a man, a brother, or a sister. And the best option is be a brother that cares truly for the soul of this woman because she's going to put you through test and then she's going to be looking for what other people came to add to her life which destroyed her and brought her to this place. So can you protect our interests by not adding to the pain of the past and actually letting her know? And let me say this because I have a check. As I'm saying this now, there are some women who because of their brokenness, immediately you come, they have already concluded you are one of the people that have passed her path before. So already they know that you are coming to do what a jerk did. You are not different if all men are, you know what they called, I don't want to use that name, but prove a point that you are not one of them, that you genuinely seek their interest. Don't say much, but expose her to a life that she knows that you are not coming to add to the already existing pain, but you are coming to pull her out of her pain and you're going to be patient with her. So when she throws tantrum, slow down and don't be quick to judge and condemn afterwards. Engage her and find out and maybe you can say, I don't have all it takes to correct the abnormalities I've noticed in your subconscious. You say that, but I have somebody I can introduce you to. Will you mind that somebody speaks to you? Because I sense that you are carrying a burden and all of that. So cleaning the content principally requires patience from the men folk. And most men may not have that time.

[B]

Mama Cathy, based on what you have just said, I have made a conclusion in my head that not every person can get married.

[A]

That's a brilliant summation, I'm telling you. But if they don't get married, if.

[B]

If, if we are saying that we have to go through all of this process, be married, stay married, then I have just heard you and I'm saying that not every person can do this because it comes with a level of consciousness that most people are not prepared.

[A]

I believe what you just said. I've heard you. I believe you. But you know what? When you conclude that most men, if they want to go through this laborious process, will not be willing to get married, the issue is what society are we going to bequeath to the next generation? Because, yes, you don't want to get married, but you probably father children without the commitment. Is that what I am supposed to think? Or just that they will stay? I'm going somewhere, that's why.

[B]

I mean, yeah, I mean, I take your Point. Let's carry on.

[A]

Okay, so now. So now. Okay, you, because of how laborious it is, you wouldn't want to get married. Because you hear very often women are complicated. You're trying to fix one, another one opens and all of that. Okay, so because of the complication, you just do not want to entangle yourself, but you want to raise children now. Yes, you have satisfied yourself by not wanting to because of how complicated it looks. But have you thought about the fatherhood of the child you have produced without you being present? And the society is dependent on well formed children that need both the male and the female input in raising them. So at the end of the day, you are justified for not wanting to because this is too much. I'm not going to fix an adult that will fix herself. It's enough. All these three tantrums and feminism and all of that. I don't want it. But you see, leadership is invested on the male gender. And no leader, no male gender who is a leader will abandon his business or his career just because he's encountered difficulty. Whatever that man wants to achieve, he will make sure that he will go the extra mile, whether bringing in people, bringing in professionals, whatever it will take to resolve, whatever will jeopardize the end goal of the business. So why are we not also willing to pay the price to fix the family institution and the responsibility rests on the head of the male. Because they are the heads.

[B]

Yeah, but the neck turns the head.

[A]

Yes. The neck that you allow to be dysfunctional will tell you the wrong direction. So why don't you fix the neck? I love it.

[B]

Love it. This is what I was going to say. Most people, and I'm not even talking about after you've gotten into the marriage. I'm talking about knowing the content before the marriage. Good, because most people I've spoken to have said that I thought I knew her. I thought I knew her. So the process you are describing to.

[A]

Say we should go through that process.

[B]

To really come to understand the content. It's not six months. If I hear you correctly, it's minimum practice.

[A]

Will you practice medicine just by being exposed to the tutelage in two months or six months or one year? No. Will you practice law just by being exposed to that knowledge within the framework within one year?

[B]

No.

[A]

Why do we think that careers will retire from requires a number of years of exposure, but marriage is just something you run into just because of physiological changes. I am on this set today with you because I want to debunk that line. Nothing good Comes easy. If we want to fix the society, we must be willing to pay a price to reorder and rewrite the storylines. Most people, most families have broken people terribly, immensely. It's only the clothes that cover some of the idiosyncrasies. Permit my words. And so if we have a generation that is competing with AI and technology and wants to bring the microwave mindset into relationship, it will never work. And that had been our problem. Even with the analog generation that took a little bit of time of doing findings, it couldn't work. How much more this generation that everything is on speed, it will not work. And let me use this opportunity to tell the younger generation, you may have been broken in the family you come from, but you mustn't repeat the cycle. And not repeating the cycle means slow down and refuse to be blinded by the lies all over, peddled, all over social media and all of that. Make sure that you, if you want to change the narrative that produced you. And I always tell people you may have been broken. There are things in your childhood you wish had not happened, but you hadn't looked critically at how to avert them. You're going to give a double dose of that to your children. If there had been any area of your childhood that was displayed by your parents that you didn't like, you can't use six months to ascertain who you marry. Oh, that's too much a risk. That's too much a risk. That's too much a risk. Nobody builds anything that is sustainable within a short space of time. You put in a lot of effort. And so I am challenging people, mostly the younger generation, come to a place where you know that it's not only intimacy that should lead up to relationship, but they hate knowledge of the person you're engaging in. And I get back to what you said, the content, the content. And I challenge mostly the women. You know what? When a woman throws tantrum, I'm not in any way enabling irresponsible lifestyle. I'm not enabling it. Okay? But I am saying there are some ladies that are right now in the market, They picture an image of a husband. To them is not a very good picture. An image. Some of them, the picture and images they have is just an ATM machine. It's a very faulty and erroneous mindset to have. But then we want to raise daughters that will not think like that. Every man who doesn't want to repeat that cycle of producing such a lady in the form of their daughters should, after hearing this podcast, look for wherever, frantically look for whoever can take them through. There are some psychometric analysis that are running that can tell you about you, beyond you. To clean the content of this water that had been infiltrated and corrupted, which to an extent, most people don't even know how damaged they are. You are talking about money in relationship. All what they know is come and build a tabernacle, build a dynasty, bill whatever they don't support, they don't support the process of sustainability productivity that really will yield generations after because of the brokenness. So all the men, this challenge is to the men. All the men listening and watching us. Don't just blame the ladies, blame fatherhood. Huh? A woman is created by God to draw inspiration from the father. That's why you hear daddy's daughter, daddy's girl, if a husband, because you're sitting down here, we're discussing money, we're discussing relationship, we're discussing all of that. But I came with a message. Be a present father. Raise your daughters. Look for a woman that you can trust God to help the process of healing and restoration. And then together work as a team to clean this water so that the next generation will not be poisoned by the content of this water. And at the end of the day, we will not have a situation where we are throwing blames because what we have now is throwing blames. Women are not to be trusted or men are not men has come, women are this that can be corrected. And let me summarize what you asked me by saying there is no situation that cannot be handled and made better. When it comes to these dysfunctionalities, there is no situation. There is no person who is willing to pay the price and say, you know what? I want to marry, right? I want to have my marriage work. I want to be a blessing to my partner. I want to join force with my partner as a woman to build. That cannot be helped.

[B]

For the people who are already married, I have a case where the man goes, my wife is always complaining. She doesn't reason with me. Even when I want to have a conversation, it doesn't really happen. It tends to nagging and complaining. So sadly, I've lost the desire to even sleep with her. I'm checking out. How do they fix that?

[A]

You don't minimize that pain. You don't minimize the pain of that man. But there are some questions to ask.

[B]

Okay, counseling.

[A]

One of the best questions would be, what effort have you made to seek help for both of you that determines the next line of action? Nobody has monopoly of knowledge. You may Be excellent at your work and your business, but you may not know everything when it comes to relationship. So this man has every reason to want to check out. But if I were to meet such a man, I'll say, can you give another chance? Let's go through one or two things, and I've seen it work. I have seen it work. I have seen it work. So, number one, there's something we call quantum reality check. Quantum reality check helps discover the reason why a person is the way the person is. And until that is fixed, you have a complaining, nagging, compulsive kind of a human being. They are not. Nobody is created to be like that. Something was broken somewhere. You see that woman that is a narc, that man that is responsible. Every person had a melting point, and that melting point determines who they have ultimately become. She's nagging. And there are several women like that too, just like there are several other men, like, in some ways. Okay, so you do that. And after that, you have to be able to compare their personalities. Why is this person nagging? What is making the person nag? Okay, so you could ask questions like, does your husband listen to you and really hears you out? Say, no, I don't feel he listens to me. I don't feel he has ever heard me. But he complains all the time. Whenever I'm talking, he does not pay attention. And so she's already made up her mind that the husband will not. And so she keeps nagging with the mindset of wanting to force him to hear what he's saying. But he doesn't also know that, that men cannot handle that because they are not wired to handle this nagging attitude. So you need to be able to come to the place where, at the end of the day, help is sought for you to address the brokenness, to address the mindset, to address the world views, to address, you know, ideologies that may have to also look at beliefs and most importantly, values. Because a woman who has exasperated the husband may not have been able to come to a place of really actualizing what her values are. You know, values are interesting. What you place your intrinsic weight on, the things that you value, you take, you make, you think, consider important. And so I would say the man should do. It's good to separate. I would say if you want to move on, separate and then seek help for yourself. And then there should be an independent help that the woman is also exposed to. If they are taken through proper help therapy, you'll be shocked that those people could have the most excellent marriage thereafter because for lack of knowledge, people perish. But when knowledge hits you, you now realize who you are married today.

[B]

Do you believe that any two, you know, couple can make a marriage work excellently well? Okay, good. Well, if you do, then that means that that sort of negates my question. Because what I was going to ask is if two people get together, maybe they, I don't know, maybe their values don't match, they don't really understand each other, but they've already gotten married, should they make it work? Or they can separate and, you know, lend themselves, learn about each other and, you know, do the whole thing again. Some people just feel like they've made a wrong choice.

[A]

Absolutely. This is very common to hear this.

[B]

Okay. And you don't believe in that?

[A]

I don't believe in it because I know that there is knowledge has advanced to the place that even when you made a wrong choice. Wrong. There's no wrong person could be a wrong choice. And the wrong choice is founded on ignorance and some things you were not exposed to. So there are things that you can be exposed to that brings order back to your life and then make you understand and better handle your marriage. I say that because I've seen where people separate and they were irreconcilable differences. And then they sit in front of me, okay. And independently take them through a few things and they say, now I understand, oh my God. Why my husband or my wife was acting that way. Now I understand myself. Now it's like the veil is lifted. No matter how much we think we know, there is a place of knowing that every veil that contributed to challenges is completely taken off and you see things for how they truly are and then you come to a place of healing.

[B]

I mean, I can't challenge that.

[A]

That's.

[B]

This is 25 years of counseling and life coaching and 33 plus years of staying married. So I can't really challenge that. I haven't even done 10 years yet, so.

[A]

So.

[B]

But I'm just telling you what I hear a lot of young people, you.

[A]

Know, go through because you. That most of the time there are plenty coaches and counselors on Internet.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

There's a lot of advice, marital advice on Internet. Some doesn't work. Let me tell you something. My. The working of my marriage and yours is not supposed to be the same. What works for me may not work for you. Okay? How I manage my marriage must not ultimately be the way you do yours. And so when we make it a blanket thing that the way the Other person runs is the way I should run, it becomes a problem. So any marriage can work, except you are married to demons. To a demon, maybe, but I don't think so.

[B]

The copying, copy and paste mechanism doesn't work. You can't copy somebody's model destroys. Right.

[A]

Because there's a home that joint account can work. There's another home that joint account may never work.

[B]

So that leads me on to my next question. Is it possible to be one in spirit, but then have two separate bank accounts?

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But having two separate bank account requires that we know exactly what we are doing financially as a whole. That we may have different bank accounts, but the family income is one. How does that happen? That's the next question. So I have my account, you have your account. We have a common purse. We've sent percentages to. We have, you know, things that we want to go into investment and all of that. We have probably children's education fund and all of that. So we run independently. We know exactly where the family is headed when it comes to financial obligations. And we sit down and say, okay, I'll bring 50% of my listing into this. Into this account. I'll bring 20% into this account. This is how this account is going to be managed. This is how this account is going to be managed. This is how this account is going to be managed. And then this percentage is left for personal allowance.

[B]

They said, and this is from my experience of doing this podcast before, they said, if I have to bring 1%, 2%, 3% into the, you know, family pool, then you have to share breastfeeding with me, cooking with me, bathing the children with me, home chores essentially with me as well.

[A]

That is why I said what I said earlier on. I don't know. So let me remind you. Did you hear me say redefine contribution?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Okay. Redefine contribution. Yes. Because we bring the different percentages, we agree doesn't mean that you are left of the hook of. But I don't think that the reason why. Okay, yes, I know, I know. I've heard what you've just said. I bring 50. I bring 50. So you take care of kitchen, you take care of children, you take care of this, you take. All that now boils down to shared vision.

[B]

If you contribute 50% of your salary to the family, and I do 50%, should I also help you in bathing the children? Cooking.

[A]

That's a joint responsibility. Helping out in the family is not helping your wife, right? No, it's not helping your wife. It's helping Is creating a certain image imagery in the head of your children. That is a joint. It's a joint. It's a joint effort. Parenting is joint. I'm not saying yes, it must be like this. No, But I believe that men should also support their women in their home office.

[B]

Okay, so in your view, what does a man supporting a woman mean?

[A]

In my view. My view will be different from yours.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Supporting each other in marriage depends on the areas of need. Where we sit down, there are five love languages. There are people that their love language is. Okay, I come back from work, Both of us are working. For those who are working, both partners are working. You come back from work, there's children's homework, there is cooking, there is cleaning, there is all this. You can't come back just because you are a man. I don't believe in that. Because leadership is service. Okay, so you're now shut down. You are not helping out in any way. You are not. The woman will be overstressed. And that's where most problems come from. So supporting is sitting down, not imposing on the husband. That point must be noted, must be clear. I don't subscribe to women who rule over their husbands, impose their will over. Sit down and let them know this is weighing me down. Please, can you help me do this? And when the man agrees, mostly in the African context. But you know, when we go to Europe and the west, most of these things we battle, you know, over in Africa, we don't there because there are no helpers. So men, husbands support their wives in making sure that they take care of the needs in the home. Am I correct?

[B]

You are a thousand percent right.

[A]

Good. So it's only when we come to Africa, some. Let me shock you. Somebody made a call to me one day and said, mama Kathy, is it right for a husband to help the wife out? I said, quite all right. Yeah. He said, is it right for a husband to help the wife? Da, da, da, da. I said, yes. And he said, since I married, my husband has never lifted a finger to help in any way. I am pregnant with my fourth child. I do everything. He has never helped. So I felt she was going to set me up. So I asked, is your husband there? I heard the man say, I'm healed. Hey, God help me with whatever I'm going to say now. So the man says, in my family, men are kings. They don't lift a finger. So he says, I've told her if she's sick, she should leave the clothes. When she gets well, she'll come and wash them. She says, I will cook. I'm pregnant, heavily pregnant. I cook if a child wants anything. And I said, daddy, sweetheart, can you help me? He said, you leave the place and come and do this. And this is the two, these are two people on the phone with me directly. And I said, that's not for those who are faith people. That's not also right because a woman washes, he cleans, he does some work, he does school run. And he says, we work in the same place, we go to work together, we return from work together. But everything, he has never in the home lifted a finger. Will you subscribe to that if that were your daughter? No. No. So let's get back.

[B]

Oh, but I mean, how about same, different scenario in a case where the husband, you know, provides 100%, provides 100%, you know, house, help, everything he does, all of that. And the wife doesn't have to lift a finger if she doesn't want to, but if she wants to do it, that's, you know, that's a different case.

[A]

That's a very different scenario painting. So this is 100. This is not 50. 50.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So.

[B]

So women are happy with a hundred percent, but not with the 50.

[A]

50. Oh, no, I'm trying. I wouldn't. No, no, no, no, no. Every, every marriage is different. There are marriages that 100 to work, right? There are marriages that 50, 50 has to work. It depends on the marriage. But what we are saying is because I bring 50, I will rule over my husband or usurp authority of my husband. You understand me? Bringing 50, 50 doesn't mean usurp his authority because there must be a structure. A family is a place where the next generation is groomed, raised up. So I mustn't bring dysfunction into a family just by being rebellious and lawless. Because I bring 50 to the table, because then I'm setting a precedence to my children that irrespective of whatever they hate, is not to be respected. And it's going to leave my dispensation and generation to the next one. So a woman who brings 50, 50 to the table must realize that if you have disparity, sort it out in the bedroom so that you don't create a scenario where children believe that you can just confront an insult. Anyway. Now, a man who also brings hundred to the table must be careful not to also exercise lordship, because in marriage there's no superiority nor inferiority. So because you bring all of the hundred percent doesn't give you the right to treat your wife as A second fiddle. So whether you bring 50 or you bring hundred, remember, marriage is a teamwork and both people deserve to be respected.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

I agree.

[B]

Among the Gen Z's and some of the millennials, the most popular question is, McCarthy, what do you bring to the table?

[A]

I've heard that said severally. What do you bring to the table?

[B]

And I've watched some even African TV programs on YouTube, and every time this question comes up, it's, it's almost as if it's always about money.

[A]

Right?

[B]

It's almost as if it's, it's, it's almost always about money. And I've seen how some of you know the ladies on, on, on the side of. Because it's like a TV program where there are ladies and then there are gentlemen coming in. And the first question the host will ask is, what do you bring to the table? And the man says everything and misses out saying financial aspect. And it's like people are popping their balloons because that's not somebody they want to deal with.

[A]

Where purpose is not known, the late Dr. Miles Monroe. Where purpose is not known, abuse is inevitable. You see, marriage has seriously been misconstrued sitting down here. This one podcast will not do the correction. But little by little, what do you bring to the table? Is marriage all about money? Marriage is more about legacy.

[B]

I see.

[A]

Marriage is more about dominion. Will you ever use this gadget or print this gadget without looking into the manual? Mostly when it comes to complicated issues about it, will you refer to the manual because, you know, you spent a lot of money purchasing it so you don't want to blow it. How many people have referred to the manual for marriage?

[B]

Where is the manual?

[A]

Who instituted marriage? Whose idea was it? Would you like your patency to be corrupted by somebody who just wants to come and, you know, take over that potency you have, which is your right to be to whatever game?

[B]

If the manual is the Bible, the Bible is so old, if we think about how old it is, wouldn't that be giving us an idea of marriage that is very traditional or very old? And for that reason, a lot more young people are not referring to it because at all. It doesn't work anymore for them, in their view.

[A]

I wouldn't argue that. But you see, I still come back to a place of clarity and I want to correct a few abnormalities and a few concerns here. The reason I had to bring that caveat is because if you don't know the purpose for which this cup was created or manufactured, you're Going to abuse it. Whatever. You don't know the purpose for which it was created, you are certainly bound to abuse it. What was marriage about? Yes, it may look ancient and all of that. Why did he start marriage? Why did he. And interestingly, that conversation is lost. Completely lost. So we people marry based on likes, based on what they will gain, based on frivolities. I don't even know what. But let me touch a little bit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

On this. Marriage was instituted by God as the first institution. He didn't start government, he didn't start church, he didn't start business, he started the family. For what reason? Until we realized that there was somebody that was here, there was somebody that was here before time. And that for those who are Christians, not everybody listening to us is a Christian. But let me borrow lessons from for those who are Christians, when you read Genesis chapter one, that's not where the whole thing started. Genesis one says in the beginning God created the world. There was without form and void, darkness covered. How can God, if this God we are talking about is so excellent, how will God create chaos? How will God create something that doesn't make sense, that doesn't have form, that does? How on earth can God create? And then you want me to follow that God, that God that is confused, that can bring about something that doesn't look attractive, doesn't look good? No. But until as a Christian, you realize that there's Isaiah 14, verses 11 to 14, there's Ezekiel 28 verses 11 to 14, there's Revelations 12. And I want people to come back to this podcast. Even if you are not a Christian, pick a Bible, borrow Bible online, do something and read those scriptures. Because marriage will be corrupted. It's not about money. It's not even about communication. It's not about any of the concerns we raise. The real issue is that we have not understood the real reason why God established marriage. And for as long as we are blind to that, it can never work. There will always be issues. So I sit here, married 20, 33 years, and I will marry probably till the Lord comes or I die. Not because everything is working for me and my husband. But we are navigating the path to greatness. Because truth, when it hits you, it reformats you and puts you in a place where you think straight and you are not easily deceived. So I go back those three scriptures I gave, okay, there was somebody who was here by those three scriptures. And the Bible in Revelation said he went up to plan a coup d'. Etat. He said, I will Go, I will be like God. I will take over. And he went and planned, carried out a coup d'. Etat. And the coup d' etat failed, according to Revelations. And he was cast down. It is when he was cast down, he came and destabilized the face of the earth. Brought confusion. That is why Genesis 1 is the way Genesis is. So now God never reacted to him. Because most things that destroy marriage, apart from financial incompatibility and the rest of them is not seeing, not reacting to things you should not react to. So I'm going somewhere. I'm about to tie up the knot now. He came down. He messed up everything. God came down. He didn't say a word to him. He said, let there be, let there be, let there be, let there be. Put the world in place, 28, he says, and let them have dominion over the earth. But there's somebody who destabilized the face of the earth and has sworn that this earth will never make sense. Noun. He established marriage as the institution that will procreate and fill the world. So that is why marriage is God's idea for dominion. But you must know the common enemy. Who is the enemy that destabilized that noun. You are brought. Maybe you will not. Humans would never have been created. But humans are created because there's somebody that appeared in the garden. There's somebody that messed up everything. And you are created through the marital institution and family to correct this guy and to tame him and put him where he is. He's the one that destroys family. He's the one that corrupts the mind. He's the one that insinuates evil. He's the one that does everything. Now, you are coming to marry for sex. You are coming to marry for money. You are coming to marry for whatever. You are coming to marry for the wrong reasons. And the other person that knows your interest in this marriage is instigating you to get on the nerves of your spouse. So until you tame the common enemy, you and your spouse can never be on the same wavelength in most matters. So what I'm saying here is to the millennials, to the Gen Z's, the Bible has been corrupted, minister. Preachers of the gospel have messed up some of them, so now they can't really believe the older generation. And some of them have seen their parents manage marriage. And some did not even see any marriage. Some did not see. So I'm addressing, right as I'm sitting here, I'm addressing some people who came from broken homes, who came from homes that seemingly looked as if it was standing, but there were no no examples that they could glean on and take on into their life journey. How do we change the narratives of corruption that are surrounding marriage in such a way that we can trust Because It's Not About Money Morning. If my mind is clear, if my mind is right as a man thinketh so you see, everything about my perception of marriage is my mindset. Until this mind is reworked, whatever we, whatever conversations we hold about marriage will not go far because it's a thing of the mind.

[B]

They say love is sweet. That when money is inside, the love is sweeter.

[A]

You're taking advantage and you must understand the the purpose for marriage in A purpose for money in marriage.

[B]

Let me stop you here for a minute. So if it's your first time watching Connected Minds or you have been here before but still have not subscribed, do us a favor because majority of the people that watch our videos have not subscribed. This doesn't help us grow beyond what we expect. So help us by hitting the subscribe button. Thank you. Now let's get back to the conversation.

[A]

Money is sweet too. I am not denying that at all. Money is sweet. Money is comfort. Money makes life go. But we must understand that to make that money money work for us, there also has to be a corresponding peace, right? Understanding, right. And intentionality and making sure that the money we seek after is not with the mindset of destroying what we stand for and the legacy we want to leave behind.

[B]

Should women tell their husbands exactly how much they are earning?

[A]

It depends on who the woman is married to. It's not a blanket answer, yes or no. I say that with all caution. The right thing is to be transparent financially. That's the right thing. Financial transparency. Oh my goodness. 101% financial transparency. But you see, every marriage is not the same. There's a marriage that if a spouse knows that everything you earn, the children's school fees may not be paid, house rent will not be renewed, certain basic needs and utilities will not be taken care of because not because the other person is bad, but because there are tendencies that needs to be to be nipped. I still go back to how we were raised. There are people I have counsel a person that said all through his life before he married, he never had savings, never open account as a man. Never. He has a chops it finish. He starts again chops it. I'm not saying I read from a book I you know so. And you can't blame him because upbringing effect of upbringing Most training is for the formative years. So I go back now. Should women open up completely? Yes. If you have a husband that understands management and understand how to, you know, handle finances, and then the two of you will join your. Your head together to making the best out of the finances you are blessed with. But if you have a man that. If you open up completely and you have three children or two children or four children, and you have a man who, if he knows how much you earn, he'll finish it with drinking or taking it to take care of. I have. This job exposes me to thousands of human beings. So I have. I'm not saying this because it's a head knowledge from. No, no, no, no, no, no. I have met a man who, when once the wife used to hand over 100% of her salary to him. 100%. He was not unfaithful. He wasn't playing around with women. No. He will use that money to visit people who are not well, to visit them and see how they are doing. And the money will finish in two weeks. So you get to know that the children's school fees are pending. Money for food in the house finished. He's using the money to fill the car and run around and do whatever he wants to do. And he's not contributing a dime to the household. He wasn't making. He wasn't generating any income. So it's very dangerous to come and sit down and say, be transparent when you do not know the dynamics operational in people's homes. So it depends on the home, it depends on the couple, it depends on what is playing out. But the real thing should be financial transparency. I have sat in a place, I was tired one of those days and I needed rest. And my husband said, okay, you go rest somewhere. So I went to one of the hotels to just cool off a bit for you for a weekend. There was a. I was to leave, I think Monday evening or so, and a woman drove into that hotel.

[B]

Yeah, okay.

[A]

This is real life and this is me. So I had gone. I didn't want to take breakfast that morning, but I just felt there was strong compulsion to go to the restaurant. So a few minutes to 10, I decided to walk there. And this woman drove in in her SUV with a driver and came and then asked, can I sit with you? I said, that's okay. And she sat with me. She came. She worked with the World bank then. That's a couple of years. I've never met her. I never knew her. For Madame. She sat with me and Started talking. We exchanged pleasantries and after she opened the nutshell is she said she's been crying in the car driving from Accra to that place. Why? She works with World Bank. Her husband had called and said that his car had broken down and so he needed about $500 equivalent to fix the engine of the car. She said she didn't have. She had to raise it from the office and sent to him. So unfortunately, the mechanic was trying to reach him to let him know that the spec they were looking for he couldn't find. He kept calling, he couldn't get him. Ultimately he had to call the wife and said okay, I've been trying to reach boss, this is the situation. And he asked okay. Oh, it should be a common distinct. He mentioned the car. It wasn't his car. He had collected this money to fix the site chick's car from the wife that he doesn't support. Please evade where your sister, your mother, your whatever. Will you now be 100% transparent to a person who is not trustworthy? So in counseling and in helping relationships, you've got to know not one size fits all. It depends on the dynamics of the marriage that people are into. If you are married to a woman or a man. And there are also cases of women where once they know how much you earn as a man, if he doesn't finish, they will never rest. They will buy all the lessons they should. They did everything. They'll place a demand on that money such that you can invest, you can live a productive life. So do you now go and tell him I just want a contract of $100,000 over that they have been waiting for. The money has come. But you see, every marriage must outlive itself by living inheritance for the children. In living inheritance for other people, God had connected to your loins to be for you to be a blessing to. So the question the answer is 100% yes. If you are married to a person that you are the same wavelength a person that you are working together at creating a future and making sure that you will not look back with regret at how the money was expended that you were supposed to be wise in managing the information around it.

[B]

Wow. That being said, speak to the younger generation who are now talking to each other basically what they should be talking about to make sure that you know, when they eventually get married, you know, it can smoothen the road a little bit for them.

[A]

Brilliant question. To the younger generation, I would say number one, no woman should follow a man blindly without a vision. Every young man who desires to settle down should have at least an idea of the vision that is running with when you get to the bank or any institution you see framed on the wall. Vision that determines who they hire, that determines the business they do, that determines the entire processes in that office. It's not good enough to desire marriage as a man, as a young man without having a vision of where you are going. Because that vision should determine who you take on. There are some men who have sabotaged their destinies because they took the wrong person on a journey. Because a person has a physique you want doesn't mean the content is as good as the container. So the man should have a vision and a young lady who wants to be in a relationship. Don't be moved by homage today or Lincoln Navigator today. Because a person who drives today may end up working on foot tomorrow. Life changes. It goes wrong. It's not how you start. It's not everybody that started well that ended well. Life happens sometimes. So for the young lady, don't be in a hurry to give of yourself. First find out where this man is going and ask yourself, am I willing to go this path with him? Because marriage brings a young lady into partnership with a man, you must go with a man you are ready to pursue the future with. Number two in all of your getting know of certainty that feelings bring people into relationship. But values keep and sustain relationship. Feelings are literally butterflies. And when you are starting off, every touch sparks. But when you finally marry, reality hits. So what are the core values you run with and what are the core values of the other person? Find out. Because no matter how we pretend during relationship, the reality of marriage brings out the true nature. Number three, Ask yourself whether you'll be intentional at loving. Because some of us do not understand what love is. Intentionality at loving. And you don't love because the person is 100% what you want. Sometimes you may have to love to change. But don't compromise on certain lifestyle that you know you will not be able to handle when you finally get into marriage. If you see red flags, don't interpret it to mean Amber. Whatever you see before relationship will be magnified in marriage. So don't say I'll manage. The reason marriages are breaking down is because people thought they could marriage manage. Marriage doesn't work like that. Take your time and know some things you can compromise on. Take your time and also find out the boundaries the person has set for his or her life. Because if it's an unguarded wall, anything can Penetrate and mess up the marriage. The next thing Systems are not emotional. Try as much as lies within you to make sure that during these preparatory stages that you are trying to find out about yourself, that you understand the systems that make for peace in marriage. And that is where like this money matter the economic system of your home. How will it look like? Don't wait before marriage to talk about the systems that will be operational in marriage. Because if two people don't agree, they can never move forward. Agreement should not come after. Like a young lady that I kept saying a lot of things they defied, they didn't take me seriously, went into marriage and heard me do counsel on phone and said auntie, tell the person not to use courtship for honeymoon. Otherwise the person will use honeymoon for courtship. What is making some people fly over their head now may actually be what will bring high blood pressure tomorrow slow down. Because so many have died as a result of getting entangled with people they didn't have any business with. And you don't want entanglement that will perpetrate family history of dysfunction and sickness. They have high blood pressure, they have this check the anticipate and where is it coming from? You get attracted to the wrong people. Now there's something called the governing system. Who will be in charge? Is it just a male or the female in charge? No competencies. Look for somebody who will say you are competent with managing money. So you manage money. It's not about husband, it's not about wife. You are more competent. You are somebody that can manage our resources and will live off it. Even when we die, they will still be competencies. And then look for a way immigration system of the family. Have you established it? Do you have an idea of the immigration and security system that your family will operate by? And that simply says who comes in, who checks the borders? What are. Who is the one who gives orientation to whoever comes into your territory? Because those immigration people that you allow in can come and destroy what you stand for. How do we open the borders? How do we close the borders? How do we wait off the security and immigration system? How do you even know how the immigration system works so that you engage these persons productively before you think of marriage. About the legacy code, what kind of legacy do you want to leave behind? Who do you bring in that will help you leave that legacy? Because you are not just living for the noun. People like Dangote and the rest of them, they leave a name that generations uncountable. Their names are still remembered. How do you choose A partner that at the end of the day you leave behind a legacy that they say this is how this family and what is this family is known for. And then you go on. So there are so many things that personally most young people may not know, but you open yourself up to knowledge and wisdom because breaking and breaking and breaking, you are entangling yourself with all manner of spirit. I know that we are in a generation where you break and hook and do, but at the end of the day, life can be better depending on who we choose. Somebody can also die prematurely because of the choice they made in their marriage or relationship. And let's understand that marital income, financial incompatibility is actually a byproduct of the knowledge our lives are founded on. Because at the end of the day, if I chose right and I knew that I'm not choosing this person even for now, I'm choosing this person for the future and for the generations unborn. Is this the kind of man I want, should be the father to my children? Is this the kind of woman I want, should be the mother to my children? Think of those children because whatever you are going through, they will go through it worse than what you went through if you choose the wrong partner. Toxicity is not what anybody wants to come under. And the world is changing. Gadget is replacing relationships. So you don't want to bring a child that is hooked onto something that you can't tell what is feeding the child with. So choose based on knowledge. Choose based on the fact that you have been able to come to terms to an extent, might not be holistic, but to an extent you've come to a place where you know how you want to lead this life life and you want how to want to manage it. You want the kind of life you want to give your children. So take this into consideration and stop sizing. People are based on physique and all of that. Yes, beauty is good. Charm, it's okay, six packs is good. But that six packs, man group, pot tummy, pot belly, tomorrow that lady that is like an angel that got missing from heaven may send you to an early grave. I'm not saying beauty is not good though. Hey, it's good. But I think that you should slow down and promise yourself that you raise a family. That in the midst of the confusion and chaos in the world, you are. So stand up and remember, don't place more emphasis on work, business and all that. Remember, nobody will remember you relatively towards your work achievement and all that. More than family, it's the children that carry their legacy. So much to say in one day.

[B]

From a woman's perspective, right in. In a marriage, what do they value the most?

[A]

Transparency, honesty, truthfulness, Faithfulness.

[B]

That's more than what I expected. You've said more. If you said like four or five. I was expecting like. Out of all of that, which one thing?

[A]

Those four is only one.

[B]

Huh?

[A]

It's only one is. I use four words to describe one thing. Transparency and honesty. Faithfulness is one thing that you are faithful to me. You are not cheating.

[B]

I see.

[A]

Except the woman didn't love you. He has somebody outside and is only siphoning from you to fix the one he's in. She's interested in.

[B]

You've been married for 33 years plus. What is one hack in your marriage that you can give it to us as an advice?

[A]

I would say. Okay, so let me sit down and come up with a blueprint before engaging of how you want your marriage to look like. Have a manifesto, have a document, a working document that you can refer to in the journey of your marriage.

[B]

Like more than three decades. Doesn't it change over time?

[A]

It will change, but you take into consideration the different seasons. But at least there should be something that sets you off. It will not, it will not change to the magnitude of scuttling how you started. If the foundations be. What is the foundation of this? Where are we going? Okay, so from day one, I would have wished somebody probably helped me when I started or my husband helped us. The best question that should have been asked by such a person that I would have so valued all through life would have been to say to us, write down your achievement in the next 10 years of your marriage. Where you will want to see your marriage on your 10th anniversary and make it holistic, put it topically. Finances, children's upbringing, career wise, spirituality, sex, everything. How would you want to evaluate at the end of 10 years? What will you look back on and say wow, we made it. And there is a blueprint that you go back to check.

[B]

So like out of.

[A]

Don't marry blindly. That's just the word. Yeah. Don't marry blindly. Don't just say it will, it will work. If it will work. And then no. And then also for women, date night spending quality time makes so much meaning to a woman. They want a man whose presence they can feel present.

[B]

I like before I ask this question. I'm of the view that most women choose men that they can, they can, they can allow themselves to respect. Right. I actually heard a woman say this some time Back. And every time I speak to a person who's married, especially from a woman's point of view, I figure out that the longevity of the marriage as well, has also got to do with the fact that, you know, they respect their husbands. As a matter of fact, they've. They've chosen to do life with somebody that they can allow themselves to respect. Because, you know, like, men don't like disrespect, I'm sure. I mean, women don't like disrespect either. But a man really values being respected. So I'm seeing that, you know, most women who are stayed, who have stayed married, they generally choose men that they can allow themselves to respect or they can respect.

[A]

You know, I say to every woman that crosses my path, never in capital letters, marry a man you cannot respect. Yeah, because a man is wired for respect. Not because women should not be respected, but the love language, the greatest desire of every man is to respect them, protect their ego. So a woman that wants to front it out there and then want to challenge a man, no man wants to marry another man.

[B]

You're going to have to elaborate on that because that's such a powerful point.

[A]

You see, you may. We are wired as women to be intuitive. Men are logical. So your intuitiveness should be, should be mixed with humility, kind of.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Because a man doesn't want his woman to challenge. You may have a point to make, but don't challenge because of the wiring. They are wired for headship, for leadership. But that doesn't also permit men to be abusive. No, but every woman should realize that respect. You can say good morning, it means good morning. You can also say good morning. It means disrespectful. So if a woman is to have their marriage work and to have the man feel like the man in the home, give that man respect. Sometimes the man may not. Probably in some people's. On the, you know, whatever they, they will say, does he deserve to be respected?

[B]

So, like 25 years doing this, you've seen a lot of couples, you know, people who are single as well. Fundamentally, marriages getting better or getting worse.

[A]

It's not really getting better. The older generation had a level of tolerance that the younger generation doesn't have. The younger generation are not ready to put in so much.

[B]

I mean, I just love the way you said it right. You, you, you, you really summed it up as intentionality. And being tolerant is one of the ways to, to stay married. But then also younger people ask the question, well, you know, you can have both but then if I'm not happy, I'm not staying.

[A]

That's the thing. That's the thing. Happiness. Happiness is not a gift that comes in a plate of gold. You work some things out. There should be a threshold of patience. That is protein.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because you've got to understand that you are both coming from different places.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so what will make for happiness may require that you put in a little work and get to understand yourselves better. But also coming with the mindset that we're going to work this thing out. And it's always important to probably from the onset, have a marital coach, have a relationship coach. Why will a footballer. Why will a football team go hire a coach when all the people are talented in the field?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Why? Sometimes probably we think we know too much. So happiness. Yes. If there's no happiness, we work out. I hear that. If. I hear that a lot. Yeah. If everybody's working out, what will be left of this institution?

[B]

And the other thing as well is in your. In your. Over, you know, three decades of staying married, and I like to use the word staying because, you know, it's. It's a lot of effort for some people, you know, to. To be married for that long. What's usually the cycle, you know, like this 33 years you've done what's. What's the cycle that, you know, the marriage has gone through in a sense that, okay, when we started, it was a bit like this in the, you know, when in the middle, it becomes a bit like this. And because even me at eight years, I. I have already seen, you know, like, the. It takes. It's not a straight line, isn't it? I mean, I'm very happy, you know, and I suppose my wife is very happy as well. But you still see changes, especially, you know, when kids come in, you know, how to raise the kids. You know, they might listen to one person more than the other, and, you know, the other person may feel as if their word is not really getting through, how to really balance that. But for me, my hack has always been, you know, counsel before a problem. Right. So that's always been my hack. We have several counselors, most of them anonymous online. So it really gives us experience before we have any issues. But. Yeah.

[A]

What's.

[B]

What's been your. What's been there?

[A]

Early years, sometimes very challenging for me. Early years. And I wrote a book, secret to surviving your early years of marriage.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Because the early years is saddled with a lot of expectations that probably you came in with, and then they are smashed. So for me, the early years was a bit very challenging. It was a bit very challenging coupled with raising children and, you know, I had a husband, I have a husband that is extremely intelligent, hard working and out there achieving so much. So he wasn't really available and we hadn't planned for the lack of availability. So the, the challenge was in seven years with seven years with four children as at that time. So it was a bit challenging. But then we settled in, we understood ourselves and gave him the, the space to becoming the best in what he was. But I could, I can tell you that, because we endured that 80 years that was a bit unstable and then we started settling in and we've come to a season where, oh, my father is heaven on earth, but some other people, the early years could be so thrilling and then suddenly something strikes and then it shakes, the storm comes in. Where then you compare the past and the present and you discover that the early years would have been extremely, very smooth. And now you are in this, that is challenging and testing, you know, your marriage, the marriage, marital resolve. And then you also, you remember that season two will pass and you get into a season. But most times, if I'm to use my example, I would say I'll sit back now and say, I bless God for everything that happened because it brought the best out of us.

[B]

Yeah, Love it. So, thank you so much. I, I want to ask you to recommend a book, but I'm not because you've just spoken about one of your books and I'm going to put the links of your, your phone number, your WhatsApp number so they can contact your team and then some of the names of your books as well and the links and where my audience can get it from, from. I'm, I'm really excited about this conversation. I'm very happy about it. Thank you so much for coming and, you know, sharing so much. You are, you are, you are. You said in the beginning that there's going to be so much fire this place might burn. Yeah. And it's on fire. So thank you so much.

[A]

Let's see how we can bring it in. Yeah.

[B]

So thank you so much and to my viewers and to my listeners, I, I, I hope you enjoyed this conversation. If you did, I'd love to know in the comments and share it. Let somebody, you know, listen to this episode as well. I've done a few episodes on, you know, relationship. I think this is the third one I've done. I'm, I'm definitely sure my McCarthy is going to come back to the studio because I enjoy her conversation. I enjoy her conversation. And happy Valentine's Day to the people who are sharing love tomorrow. Happy Valentine's Day to you guys.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

My name is Derek Abite. And take care of yourselves and be the best you can. I'm out.