Segment:- Without Money, You Have No Value: The Brutal Truth About Finance in Marriage.

Summary

Konnected Minds Podcast

Episode: Without Money, You Have No Value: The Brutal Truth About Finance in Marriage

Host: Derrick Abaitey
Guest: Dr. Charles Apoki
Date: December 2, 2025

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Episode Overview

This powerful episode explores the intricate connection between money, value, and marital dynamics, particularly in African and diaspora contexts. Host Derrick Abaitey and his guest, Dr. Charles Apoki—a Nigerian physician, preacher, and counselor with 40 years of marital experience—offer raw, practical, and sometimes provocative insights on financial realities and their impact on relationships. The conversation is frank, rooted in both personal experience and societal observation, and aims to challenge listeners to think critically about money, marriage, and respect.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why Finance is Foundational to Marriage

• Physical Intimacy and Comfort

  • Dr. Apoki draws a vivid contrast between financial status and the quality of romantic relationships:

  “S X in one room without fun is physical exercise and punishment. In an air conditioned accommodation in a beautiful environment, it's called love making.”
  (Dr. Apoki, 00:22)

• Respect in Family Tied to Finances

  • The social status and respect a man receives—including from his spouse and children—are often linked to his economic position:

  “What is the value of a man without money in marriage?... Even your children will not respect you.”
  (Dr. Apoki, 00:40)

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2. Statistical Realities and Gender Dynamics in Divorce (04:18–07:40)

• South African Data: 55% of divorces initiated by women (2022)

  “When men approach women, they go for what they are seeing... They don't go for the character, the capacity, the competence...”
  (Dr. Apoki, 02:39)

• Why Women Seek Divorce More Often Over Time

  • Men's initial obsession with physical attraction (“color, the coils of the hair... curves”) gives way to the reality of needing compatibility, competence, and chemistry.
  • Both men and women evolve; a man might “marry” the same woman in many different forms ("you will eventually get married to six women"), as personalities and circumstances change over decades.
  • Women's increasing financial independence often shifts the power balance.

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3. The Changing Power Dynamics in Long Marriages

• Control and Submission

  “You marry the woman, she's very submissive in the begin, meaning even subservient. As time progresses… if she is financially independent, her income might start increasing. And then you will find out that there is this control... I have been married for 40 years and I said that for you to remain married, you must be stupid for this duration. Logical people, intelligent people, don't remain married for long.”
  (Dr. Apoki, 04:18, 04:48)

• Forgiveness and Adaptation as a Necessity

  • Men often have to shoulder the responsibility for reconciliation, even when not at fault.

  “If she offends you, she does something wrong, you don't wait for her to apologize. Women might never apologize.”
  (Dr. Apoki, 05:37)

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4. What Men Stand to Lose (05:42–06:50)

• Reputation and Risk

  “Men that will have more to lose are men with reputation... Assuming I now mess up with my wife or do something wrong... I will go down in his [public's] sight.”
  (Dr. Apoki, 05:44)

• Everyday Frictions in Marriage

  • As relationships evolve, small corrections and critiques increase, leading to recurring friction.
  • Roles and expectations shift, especially as women take on more responsibilities and independence.

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5. Midlife Crises and Changing Values (07:42–10:43)

• Growing Apart Due to Success, Stress, and Societal Roles

  • Success and external pressures often separate couples, as business and status become distracting.
  • Differences in lifestyle and aspirations (“differences in values and taste and aspirations will start coming”) can lead to emotional gaps.

• The Impact of Aging on Marital Dynamics

  • Women, upon reaching midlife, may struggle with fading external validation, especially as physical appearances change.

  “As they get to the age of 40, gray hair will start coming... In her mind, she's hating herself because the compliments she used to receive, she's no longer receiving them... The first thing woman had when she was created from the rib of Adam was praise. So they always liked praise.”
  (Dr. Apoki, 09:21)

• Temptation and Attention

  • Attention from other men, especially as husbands become distracted or unappreciative, can lead women into emotional or sexual affairs—not always from love, but from a need for validation.

  “If there is any man that is complimenting them... she is attracted to that man. Then she subconsciously starts looking at you as if you don't love her. And then they can fall into sexual escapades. They don't even love that person. But just the fact that women like being complimented, men like being respected.”
  (Dr. Apoki, 10:24)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the Cost of Staying Married:

  “For you to remain married, you must be stupid for this duration. Logical people, intelligent people, don’t remain married for long.”
  (Dr. Apoki, 04:48)

• On the Illusion of Everlasting Physical Beauty:

  “Botox has expiring dates. Botox and breasts, they have expiring dates, but the brain does not have an expiring date.”
  (Dr. Apoki, 03:00)

• On Why Marriage Changes:

  “In the course of marrying, for these 40 years, I've married that one wife... Emmanuel will evolve six times. And so you will eventually get married to six women, even though you are in a monogamous marriage.”
  (Dr. Apoki, 03:35)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:22: The link between enjoyable intimacy and financial security
• 00:40: A man’s value and respect in the family depend on income
• 02:39: Why do women initiate divorce more often?
• 04:48: The “stupidity” required to stay married
• 05:44: What men stand to lose in a public divorce
• 07:42: How pressures of age and success influence marital happiness
• 09:21: The psychological impact of aging and external validation
• 10:24: The risk of infidelity stemming from unmet emotional needs

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Tone & Style

The episode is candid, occasionally blunt, and unapologetically realistic about the challenges couples face as financial situations, expectations, and personal identities shift over decades. Dr. Apoki provides both hard truths and empathetic observations, inviting listeners to reflect deeply on their own assumptions about money, respect, and partnership.

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Final Thoughts

This episode delivers an unvarnished look at the intersection of marriage and finance, particularly through the lens of African culture and experience. It’s a must-listen—or read—for anyone grappling with how money, self-worth, and relationships play out in long-term partnerships, and provides actionable wisdom for both men and women striving to navigate midlife, marriage, and the pursuit of mutual respect.

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Transcript

[A]

I have been married for. For you to remain married. You must be stupid for this. Intelligent. Don't remain married for long. Every day there are three things that will happen that can cause divorce as they get to the age of 40 and the next thing is to know that your marriage is beyond two of you.

[B]

Why is finance very important?

[A]

Finance to be enjoyable. S X in one room without fun is physical exercise and punishment in an air conditioned accommodation in a beautiful environment. It's called love making.

[B]

What is the value of a man without money in marriage?

[A]

I don't want to get into trouble. Even your children will not respect you.

[B]

You're welcome to Connected Minds podcast. My name is Derek Abayte and I'm your host. Thank you so much for being a part of the family and always tuning in to our beautiful conversations that are changing mindsets and fixing problems. We have a masterclass that is happening in January 2026 and we are picking the people who want to attend this master class. I'm going to leave all the details in the description and also in the comments so that you can show up to this masterclass for entrepreneurs, especially those in the diaspora. I have got my second guest from Nigeria, Dr. Charles Apoki. Yes. The man is in the studio with me today. He's been married for 40 years. He helps people with finance and also marriage advice. He has so much skills that I'm not exactly sure how this conversation is going to be turning around. But today we really want to want to delve into marriage and finance and what we can do to help our relationships, our partnerships and the spouses that we have in our lives. What decisions should we make and what should we not be making? So stick with me and don't move anywhere. You're welcome to the studio, Dr. Charles.

[A]

Thank you so much for having me. Connected Mind Studios in Accra, Ghana. Beautiful Ghana.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Thank you so much.

[B]

How many times have you been to Ghana since you started this, your journey?

[A]

I've been to Ghana about four times.

[B]

I have some statistics here.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I just want to throw the statistics in before we really get deep into the conversation.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

There is a data from South Africa in 2022 that says that on divorce data that says 55% of divorces were initiated by the woman in the marriage. Why do you think this happens?

[A]

See, when men approach women, they go for what they are seeing. They go for the color, the coils of the hair, of the hair. See number two, they go for the curves. They don't go for the character, the capacity, the competence. And how. And the chemistry, because so much happiness. Hormones or love? Hormones. Oxytocin is secreted. They don't reason well, they don't calculate well. They are fascinated by the voice, the in Nigeria. Nice Yash. You know, there's an undue emphasis on Botox now, instead of brains. And Botox has expiring dates. Botox and breasts, they have expiring dates, but the brain does not have an expiring date. It is where inspiration. It is where the man will be inspired. So when you go into marriage, in the course of marrying, for these 40 years, I've married that one wife, according to Lumide, Emmanuel will evolve six times. And so you will eventually get married to six women, even though you are in a monogamous marriage. And so when you are marrying this woman, when you marry this woman, most times your mental capacity might be higher than her own, but your education might be higher than your own. Finances will be higher, your experience. But as time progresses. There's a Bible passage that says, your desire shall be for thy husband. The real interpretation, and I want you to Google it, it means, your desire shall be to control your husband. That's why God said, and he shall rule over thee. If rule and authority was not involved in the desire for thy husband, they wouldn't have brought that. So you see the woman, you marry the woman, she's very submissive in the begin, meaning even subservient. As time progresses, she has had union, she has had the daughter. Her roots will start sinking into the ground. And then if you are not, if she is financially independent, her income might start increasing. And then you will find out that there is this control. Who want to come in? I have been married for 40 years and I said that for you to remain married, you must be stupid for this duration. Logical people, intelligent people, don't remain married for long. Bill Gates, a host of them. Because you will reach a stage in life. Your wife will annoy you, she will misbehave, she will do something wrong, she will start crying. You will need to apologize to her for crying, for doing something wrong. And if you are logical, you won't do that. So for you to remain married, because it is you that went to bring her, you brought her asset and liabilities. So if she offends you, she does something wrong, you don't wait for her to apologize. Women might never apologize.

[B]

So you think men have more to lose in marriage than women?

[A]

I have not said that. Men that will have more to lose are men with reputation. You don't know My wife. My wife is not here. My wife is not doing podcasts. My wife is not doing. Is not preaching. So I have more to lose in terms of poverty, popularity, responsibility, privileges. Flying from Lagos to this place, Accra, you needed to see the way people have been treating me. Security personnel. I met a Ghanaian, Emmanuel Odati Lampte. He took me to the executive lounge of the Muritala Mohammed airport, bought food for me because of my podcast. Assuming I now mess up with my wife or do something wrong, you will find out that I have gone. I will go down in his sight. So as the woman man is getting older in marriage, she starts to control your driving. Don't you control your driving? You. Why are you looking at me like that?

[B]

Your wife, maybe she hasn't gotten there yet.

[A]

She has not got.

[B]

I've only been married for eight years.

[A]

Eight years.

[B]

So she hasn't gotten.

[A]

Maybe you're a very good driver. So some of the things that, you.

[B]

Know, my wife would usually correct me about would be, oh, Derek, you know, don't put this shirt on.

[A]

Yes, once. Why did you, you know, why did you say this? For those of us who are preachers, they correct our preaching. Why did you say this? Won't Agnes think that you are talking about her? Why did you do this and do that? And the corrections will start bringing frictions. And then these frictions will increase because they are stressed too. A woman can trek up to 15km in the house, kitchen here, there, there. She becomes a dramatist. She will sing for the children. She becomes engineer, she's a cook. The, the. The pressure she undergoes is enormous. And then to add to that, when you are reaching a certain age bracket.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

The pressure on you to succeed in business, in ministry, in sports, will start separating you from her. When you don't have much in your hands. You can hold your hands to stroll in the streets as husband and wife. But when you have much in your, you don't hold your hands to stroll, excepting in old age. So there is going to be a gap, a gap of female staff, a gap of male staff, a gap of workers, a gap of interest of how the business should be run. I had to leave all my businesses that we started together for my wife. Because at a point every day there are three things that will happen that can cause divorce. I told her, if you want to buy a generator, let me know before I came back from travel. She has bought generator, these buildings. Before you put tenants, let me know. Before I knew it, she has put in tenants. Then your tastes and your values will start differing, like seeing your house. Now it's as if I should go and break down my house. Because they find touch and everything you see, differences in values and taste and aspirations will start coming. And then one thing that affects women, that leads them to divorce, is that as they get to the age of 40, gray hair will start coming on their head, their faces will start changing. Fat will be deposited one way some way or the other. The tummy that carried children will start having striagravidarum lines. And in her mind, you have not hated her, but in her mind, she's hating herself because the compliments she used to receive, she's no longer receiving them. If you park vehicles, when a woman is walking past, she will look at herself in the reflection of the vehicle, because the first thing woman had when she was created from the rib of Adam was praise. So they always liked praise. So. And when she's not, she's not getting it, oh, you're looking good. You're doing that either because the husband has become very busy and she's not getting it from fellow women or other people. And then there's a problem that comes as the man is aging. He starts to dress better, more expensively, look better, drive better cars. Sometimes I go to work as old as I am. My workers will say, daddy, you're looking take away. Nobody tells my wife that because she has deposited fat, she has stressed herself. And so these women get frustrated, but they can't eat. And then if there is any man that is complimenting them, giving them attention in the gym, the gym where she goes for anything in the workplace, you will not see that she is attracted to that man. And then she subconsciously starts looking at you as if you don't love her. And then they can fall into sexual escapades. They don't even love that person. But just the fact that women like being complimented, men like being respected.

[B]

So what should.

[A]

What should we do as men, as men, to support the Wives Connected Minds podcast?