Konnected Minds Podcast

Episode: Without Money, You Have No Value: The Brutal Truth About Finance in Marriage

Host: Derrick Abaitey
Guest: Dr. Charles Apoki
Date: December 2, 2025

Episode Overview

This powerful episode explores the intricate connection between money, value, and marital dynamics, particularly in African and diaspora contexts. Host Derrick Abaitey and his guest, Dr. Charles Apoki—a Nigerian physician, preacher, and counselor with 40 years of marital experience—offer raw, practical, and sometimes provocative insights on financial realities and their impact on relationships. The conversation is frank, rooted in both personal experience and societal observation, and aims to challenge listeners to think critically about money, marriage, and respect.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why Finance is Foundational to Marriage

• Physical Intimacy and Comfort

  • Dr. Apoki draws a vivid contrast between financial status and the quality of romantic relationships:

  “S X in one room without fun is physical exercise and punishment. In an air conditioned accommodation in a beautiful environment, it's called love making.”
  (Dr. Apoki, 00:22)

• Respect in Family Tied to Finances

  • The social status and respect a man receives—including from his spouse and children—are often linked to his economic position:

  “What is the value of a man without money in marriage?... Even your children will not respect you.”
  (Dr. Apoki, 00:40)

2. Statistical Realities and Gender Dynamics in Divorce (04:18–07:40)

• South African Data: 55% of divorces initiated by women (2022)

  “When men approach women, they go for what they are seeing... They don't go for the character, the capacity, the competence...”
  (Dr. Apoki, 02:39)

• Why Women Seek Divorce More Often Over Time

  • Men's initial obsession with physical attraction (“color, the coils of the hair... curves”) gives way to the reality of needing compatibility, competence, and chemistry.
  • Both men and women evolve; a man might “marry” the same woman in many different forms ("you will eventually get married to six women"), as personalities and circumstances change over decades.
  • Women's increasing financial independence often shifts the power balance.

3. The Changing Power Dynamics in Long Marriages

• Control and Submission

  “You marry the woman, she's very submissive in the begin, meaning even subservient. As time progresses… if she is financially independent, her income might start increasing. And then you will find out that there is this control... I have been married for 40 years and I said that for you to remain married, you must be stupid for this duration. Logical people, intelligent people, don't remain married for long.”
  (Dr. Apoki, 04:18, 04:48)

• Forgiveness and Adaptation as a Necessity

  • Men often have to shoulder the responsibility for reconciliation, even when not at fault.

  “If she offends you, she does something wrong, you don't wait for her to apologize. Women might never apologize.”
  (Dr. Apoki, 05:37)

4. What Men Stand to Lose (05:42–06:50)

• Reputation and Risk

  “Men that will have more to lose are men with reputation... Assuming I now mess up with my wife or do something wrong... I will go down in his [public's] sight.”
  (Dr. Apoki, 05:44)

• Everyday Frictions in Marriage

  • As relationships evolve, small corrections and critiques increase, leading to recurring friction.
  • Roles and expectations shift, especially as women take on more responsibilities and independence.

5. Midlife Crises and Changing Values (07:42–10:43)

• Growing Apart Due to Success, Stress, and Societal Roles

  • Success and external pressures often separate couples, as business and status become distracting.
  • Differences in lifestyle and aspirations (“differences in values and taste and aspirations will start coming”) can lead to emotional gaps.

• The Impact of Aging on Marital Dynamics

  • Women, upon reaching midlife, may struggle with fading external validation, especially as physical appearances change.

  “As they get to the age of 40, gray hair will start coming... In her mind, she's hating herself because the compliments she used to receive, she's no longer receiving them... The first thing woman had when she was created from the rib of Adam was praise. So they always liked praise.”
  (Dr. Apoki, 09:21)

• Temptation and Attention

  • Attention from other men, especially as husbands become distracted or unappreciative, can lead women into emotional or sexual affairs—not always from love, but from a need for validation.

  “If there is any man that is complimenting them... she is attracted to that man. Then she subconsciously starts looking at you as if you don't love her. And then they can fall into sexual escapades. They don't even love that person. But just the fact that women like being complimented, men like being respected.”
  (Dr. Apoki, 10:24)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the Cost of Staying Married:

  “For you to remain married, you must be stupid for this duration. Logical people, intelligent people, don’t remain married for long.”
  (Dr. Apoki, 04:48)

• On the Illusion of Everlasting Physical Beauty:

  “Botox has expiring dates. Botox and breasts, they have expiring dates, but the brain does not have an expiring date.”
  (Dr. Apoki, 03:00)

• On Why Marriage Changes:

  “In the course of marrying, for these 40 years, I've married that one wife... Emmanuel will evolve six times. And so you will eventually get married to six women, even though you are in a monogamous marriage.”
  (Dr. Apoki, 03:35)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:22: The link between enjoyable intimacy and financial security
• 00:40: A man’s value and respect in the family depend on income
• 02:39: Why do women initiate divorce more often?
• 04:48: The “stupidity” required to stay married
• 05:44: What men stand to lose in a public divorce
• 07:42: How pressures of age and success influence marital happiness
• 09:21: The psychological impact of aging and external validation
• 10:24: The risk of infidelity stemming from unmet emotional needs

Tone & Style

The episode is candid, occasionally blunt, and unapologetically realistic about the challenges couples face as financial situations, expectations, and personal identities shift over decades. Dr. Apoki provides both hard truths and empathetic observations, inviting listeners to reflect deeply on their own assumptions about money, respect, and partnership.

Final Thoughts

This episode delivers an unvarnished look at the intersection of marriage and finance, particularly through the lens of African culture and experience. It’s a must-listen—or read—for anyone grappling with how money, self-worth, and relationships play out in long-term partnerships, and provides actionable wisdom for both men and women striving to navigate midlife, marriage, and the pursuit of mutual respect.