Konnected Minds Podcast: Segment – "Women Don't Want Your Money, They Want Your Effort: The Marriage Secrets No One Teaches Men"

Host: Derrick Abaitey
Date: December 4, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode dives deep into the true needs and desires of women in marriage, challenging common notions about financial contribution and shifting the focus to effort, personal growth, and emotional intelligence. Drawing from personal stories, cultural observations, and biblical references, the guest (Speaker A) delivers unfiltered insights into what makes marriages thrive and the pitfalls many men encounter.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Women’s Relationship with Authority and Desire for Effort

• Authority Dynamics: The speaker discusses how women navigate authority and innate desires, referencing biblical stories—Eve’s attraction to the forbidden, Sarah’s laughter, and Lot's family—to illustrate women's psychological complexity.

  "Eve had everything in the garden. Only one thing she didn't have... But that was what attracted her." (00:35)

• Psychology of Contribution vs. Money: Emphasizes that women are less interested in the raw amount of money provided, but rather the effort and intention behind a man’s contribution to the marriage.

  "A woman is not interested in the quantity of money. No, a woman is interested in your efforts to contribute to the marriage and then to appreciate her." (02:10)

2. Practical Gestures of Care

• Acts of Service: The host shares personal habits like washing dishes for his wife before she gets home as a gesture of respect and partnership.

  "Before she comes from work, I've washed the dishes because I don't want her to come from work and then start washing dishes." (02:25)

• Industriousness: Describes times when he performed “menial” tasks, such as cleaning toilets or driving a bus, even as a medical doctor, to support his family.

  "I was the first bus driver in my school. I cleaned toilets, I carried children on my back. As a medical doctor then." (04:15)

3. Growth Mindset and the Need for Mutual Upgrading

• Continuous Self-Improvement: Men and women are encouraged to keep developing themselves—educationally, vocationally, and emotionally—especially as the other partner evolves.

  "Your wife must see you that you are putting in effort to raise the family... learn to upgrade." (03:30) "As your wife is upgrading, also upgrade yourself, acquire skills, diversify your businesses." (03:15)

• Maintaining Healthy Self-Worth: Warns against feeling threatened by a woman's progress, urging men to appreciate that any successes are shared within the marriage.

  "If a woman sees that and you are not intimidated by her successes because she's answering your name, ... learn to swallow pride." (06:35)

4. Providing Security, Not Just Money

• Guaranteeing the Future: Men are advised to provide not just financial, but emotional and future security, citing biblical passages for context.

  "You must try to provide... He leads me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. And he makes me to lie down beside the green pastures." (05:10)

• Frugality & Realism: Urges men to adopt realistic lifestyles, work hard, and avoid entitlement—especially those with high status or academic backgrounds.

  "We carry ourselves in a pedestal that is not realistic. We put ourselves in a status that is not at tandem with our state." (05:50)

5. Navigating Challenges, Pride, and Conflict

• Peace in Later Years: Prioritizing peace of mind and health over material pursuits as one ages; children shouldn't be seen as a retirement plan.

  "Children are not a good retirement plan because they will have their own challenges. Once a man starts kissing his wife, you are a second option." (08:05)

• Conflict Avoidance: Shares a personal anecdote about avoiding quarrels around his wife's 60th birthday and learning to "withdraw like a snail" to maintain harmony.

  "He who has more to lose has to avoid fights. You don't go and quarrel with somebody who is likely to burn your house when he has no building." (09:20)

6. Embracing 'Foolishness' in Marriage

• Emotional Flexibility: Advocates for occasionally being the "Momo" (fool) in the relationship in service of marital longevity.

  "Sometimes you need to be foolish to remain married." (09:54)

7. Women’s Desires and Mixed Signals

• Humorous Insights: The guest humorously discusses the unpredictable behaviors and desires of women—highlighting contradictions in what women say and do.

  "That's why they will wear short skirt and they will be pulling it down. That's why they will wear high heels and put slippers in their bag." (09:31)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Women’s True Desires:

  "A woman is not interested in the quantity of money. No, a woman is interested in your efforts to contribute to the marriage and then to appreciate her." – Speaker A (02:10)

• On the Importance of Acts of Service:

  "Before she comes from work, I've washed the dishes because I don't want her to come from work and then start washing dishes." – Speaker A (02:25)

• On Growth and Status:

  "Don't you know I'm a graduate? Cost you and your graduates if you can't feed a family." – Speaker A (06:00)

• On Conflict Resolution:

  "He who has more to lose has to avoid fights. You don't go and quarrel with somebody who is likely to burn your house when he has no building." – Speaker A (09:20)

• On Marital 'Foolishness':

  "Sometimes you need to be foolish to remain married." – Speaker A (09:54)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:00 – 03:00: Women, authority, and what truly attracts them; acts of service in marriage.
• 03:00 – 05:00: Importance of growth and upgrading oneself in response to a spouse's development.
• 05:00 – 07:00: Providing security, biblical references, and living within means.
• 07:00 – 09:00: Aging, peace of mind, and conflict avoidance between strong personalities.
• 09:00 – 10:20: Humor on women's unpredictability and the value of humility or "foolishness" in marriage.

Conclusion

This rich, humorous, and candid episode demolishes the myth that women are primarily motivated by money in relationships. Instead, Derrick Abaitey and his guest emphasize that genuine effort, personal evolution, acts of service, and emotional finesse are the real keys to marital success. With unvarnished stories and memorable moments, the episode offers invaluable lessons for men seeking not just to maintain, but to elevate their roles in marriage.