Segment: 'You Must Be a Parent, a Friend, a Guide' - The Three Roles Every Child Needs You to Play

Summary

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Konnected Minds Podcast – "You Must Be a Parent, a Friend, a Guide": The Three Roles Every Child Needs You to Play

Host: Derrick Abaitey
Date: February 23, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode delves into the essential roles every parent must play in their child’s life—not just as a provider, but as a guide and a friend. Derrick Abaitey and his guest (Speaker A, likely a parent with anecdotal experience) explore the balance between guidance and control, the importance of emotional presence, and how parents’ approach to their children’s growth deeply impacts confidence, choices, and sense of belonging. The discussion is rich with personal stories and practical advice aimed at helping parents raise well-rounded, emotionally intelligent children.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Guidance Over Control (00:00–02:00)

• Guidance is not control:

  • Speaker A emphasizes that parenting shouldn’t revolve around controlling a child’s life but rather supporting their choices and offering wise guidance.
  • Quote [A, 00:18]:
    “You don’t control your child just because you’re the one calling the shots.”

• Dangers of strict control:

  • Overly controlling parents risk pushing children away, leading them to seek guidance from outside the home.
  • Quote [A, 00:57]:
    “The most dangerous thing...is for your child to get guidance from a complete stranger, someone you have no control over.”

2. The Three Roles: Parent, Friend, Guide (01:49–02:30)

• Be a friend from the start:

  • The ideal relationship is built on openness and comfort, where children feel safe sharing without fear of judgment.
  • Quote [A, 01:59]:
    “Be your child’s friend from get go. Your child should be comfortable talking to you about every and anything.”

• Balance is key:

  • Parents must be all three—a parent (for structure and nurturance), a friend (for emotional openness), and a guide (for mentorship).

3. The Impact of Emotional Presence (03:18–06:51)

• A real-life example:

  • Derrick shares a story of a young boy who finds comfort away from home due to a lack of emotional support from his parents.
  • Quote [B, 03:41]:
    “It’s troubling the child.”

• Emotional validation:

  • Noticing and being present makes a profound impact, especially when children feel unseen at home.
  • Quote [A, 06:23]:
    “You are present. You noticed him...Sometimes people are not looking for handouts. All they need is to be noticed, to be recognized.”

4. Parental Presence vs. Material Provision (06:54–08:45)

• Modern parenting challenges:

  • The pursuit of financial stability often comes at the cost of parental presence.
  • Speaker A points out that providing food and school fees is not enough; parents must understand and engage with their children’s lives.

• Get to know your child’s world:

  • Invitations to friends, participating in youth culture, and being an approachable adult builds trust and breaks down barriers.
  • Quote [A, 07:18]:
    “You must make time to talk to your children, understand their day, understand who their friends are.”

5. Overcoming Fear and Building Trust (08:45–09:32)

• Fear & absence:

  • Some parents foster environments of fear rather than trust, which stifles communication.
  • Quote [A, 08:50]:
    “It’s either fear or just not being present or not caring.”

• Knowing your child:

  • Parents need to recognize both strengths and struggles so they can support children through ups and downs.
  • Quote [A, 09:20]:
    “You should know your child’s abilities and capabilities. And so when your child is falling short, you should know something is going wrong somewhere.”

6. The Joy and Responsibility of Parenting (09:31–end)

• More than a job—an opportunity:
  • While it may seem like extra work, being present in a child’s life is rewarding and essential for their development.
  • Quote [A, 09:32]:
    “It is not [a full-time job]. It is fun. It is a fun job because you have decided to be responsible for another human being.”

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Memorable Quotes

• “You don’t control your child just because you’re the one calling the shots.” [A, 00:18]
• “Be your child’s friend from get go. Your child should be comfortable talking to you about every and anything.” [A, 01:59]
• “The most dangerous thing you can do...is for your child to get guidance from a complete stranger.” [A, 00:57]
• “Sometimes people are not looking for handouts. All they need is to be noticed, to be recognized.” [A, 06:23]
• “It is fun. It is a fun job because you have decided to be responsible for another human being.” [A, 09:32]

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Important Timestamps

• 00:00–01:00: Guiding vs. controlling children
• 01:49–02:30: Balancing the three roles—parent, friend, guide
• 03:18–06:51: Emotional presence and real-life examples
• 06:54–08:45: Challenges of modern parenting, material provision vs. involvement
• 08:45–09:32: Fear, trust, and truly knowing your child
• 09:31–end: Parenting as a joyful, meaningful responsibility

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Conclusion

This segment from the Konnected Minds Podcast powerfully underscores the importance of forging a relationship with your child founded on trust, openness, and guidance—not just provision or discipline. Both Derrick Abaitey and his guest urge parents to be present, recognize children’s individuality, and strike a healthy balance between structure and emotional support. The discussion offers real examples, heartfelt advice, and several quotable moments that resonate with anyone interested in mindful, effective parenting.

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Transcript

[A]

Some children, even though when you give them, even you at your age, you're doing this right, your father still gives you some guidance. You have conversations with your dad. Sometimes he will not directly try to advise you, but certain things he would say. When you go home in the middle of the night, in your heart of hearts, you ponder on these conversations and you know that this thing my father said or that thing my mother said holds true, right? So it is not. You don't control your child just because you're the one calling the shots.

[B]

But like, what do you take as control though? From a parent to a child.

[A]

But I know parents who, who are so stuck in their ways, even parents with young children, teenagers, that this is what my child is going to be. And that is what my child is going to be as far as I am the one paying school fees. That is not fair. That is not fair. And people don't understand why some children go wayward sometimes. Because if they are not getting the support they need at home, they will get the support from somewhere else. And the most dangerous thing you can do, Derek, is for your child to get guidance from a complete stranger, someone you have no control over. And so let your child be. I'm not saying that you should let your child go out, hang with bad company, do whatever they think is right for them. That's not what I'm saying. I'm not talking about bar training. I'm talking about allowing your child to be. To feel that I can make my mistakes and my parents will be there to help guide me. You shouldn't just be seen as a parent. You should be seen as a guide, a mentor.

[B]

Isn't there a time for that? Isn't there different periods of a child's life where you want to be a friend, you want to be their parent?

[A]

Be a friend, be a friend from get go. Be your child's friend from get go. Your child should be comfortable talking to you about every and anything. Your child should be able to talk to you. So you must be a parent, you must be a child. Parents, a child's friend, a child's go to. They know when they come and they tell you anything. You're not judging them, they make make them comfortable around you.

[B]

Let me stop you here for a minute. So if it's your first time watching Connected Minds or you have been here before but still have not subscribed, do us a favor because majority of the people that watch our videos have not subscribed. This doesn't help us grow beyond what we expect so help us by hitting the subscribe button. Thank you. Now, let's get back to the conversation I have on my WhatsApp right now.

[A]

I've got.

[B]

I mean, it's not a memo, it's like, it's like a note. I don't know, it's very long of one of these young boys I work. So he does a lot of my AI research. And the message was very interesting. You know, anytime I come around you, it's not because I, I don't have anything doing, but it's terrible at home, essentially.

[A]

Why is it terrible at home?

[B]

While he was speaking, I was just thinking about him and the message he sent and I read it several times and I couldn't reply for two days. Right, because he has seen a new interest. He wants to do AI stuff. He wants to work part time for me while still in school and I got him another job online. But the parents don't get it.

[A]

Why not? Why aren't they getting it?

[B]

And it's troubling the child.

[A]

You see, now he's, now he's talking to you. His parents don't know you. He's talking to you. Ideally, if he's unhappy with something, he should be able to open up to his parents. But parents should not put a wedge between them and their children. I've seen children who have gone wayward. You know, my son had friends when he was growing up, he went to school with them. I've seen how some of these children have ended up. I mean, it's not the end of their life. They're still very young. But the way they've gone could have been avoided if the parents were present. You have to be present. Do you get it? You need to be present in your child's life at every point. Look, my son will sit for an exam, it doesn't go well, and he's scratching his hair and going, we had a surprise test today. And I just know from the way he's going that it didn't go well. And I said, huh? How did it go? He said, well, not too good. I said, but why didn't you prepare? He said, nobody prepares for surprises. I didn't know there was going to be a surprise test, you know, and then we laugh over it, you know, but the lesson here is that you must always be prepared because that's why it's a surprise test. You've read your curriculum, you know, on certain days there will be surprise tests. You should be ready for everything that comes comes your way. But I didn't judge him because he didn't do well in the exam. Of course I will rebuke him that you should have done better because the previous term you did better. You know, just prepare more, study more, focus more. And the next time he would do because he believes that when he comes back to his parent or her parents, they're not going to judge him or her, they're not going to rebu. I mean, it's okay to rebuke your child, but don't overdo it. You know, find a middle ground. Yes, he didn't do well here, but he's done well there. So why are you focused only on the negative? Just as you rebuke him, praise him as well, that he knows that, oh, when I do the good things, my parents notice. When I do wrong, they notice as well. But there are parents who are just taking the piss. They're just always looking for the faults, you know, that's not fair to children.

[B]

I tell you what, I still haven't been able to reply to this young boy.

[A]

You should.

[B]

I will. He was here yesterday. We had a great chat and normally he would leave at 3pm, but he stayed longer. Yesterday. He was here up until seven.

[A]

He's comfortable.

[B]

When I was leaving, I was like, yo, you're still here.

[A]

He's comfortable because you are present. Do you understand? You are present. You noticed him, that he has stayed longer than usual. You notice them. Sometimes people are not looking for handouts. All they need is to be noticed, to be recognized. When you said, hey, you are still here, do you know how it made him feel? He will feel good about it because at home he's not noticed. No one is present.

[B]

Do you think parents don't take the time to understand their kids well?

[A]

Again, things have changed because now every parent is busy making money. The parents have their regular jobs and they have side hustles. They have side hustles. And you have parents who think that what you need to provide right now is money for the child to have enough to eat close to where to go to school. But that's not all it takes.

[B]

Take me through it.

[A]

You must make time to talk to your children, understand their day, understand who their friends are. In my son's case, I always told him to invite his friends over because without knowing, I needed to hear the kind of conversations they have. I needed to understand the personalities of the friends he hangs out with. I just needed to understand their psyche. So I was invited. And my friends, sons were always happy. My friends, my son's friends were Always happy coming home because they know when they come, I will sit with them. In fact, they introduced me to hip hop. They introduced me to hip hop. You know, they'll be rapping and I'll be there. We're cooking, we're having fun. And they never ever called me Auntie. They either call me Nanaba or they call me Ro because my English name is Rosemon. So they shorten it to Ro. None of them ever said, hello, Auntie. They were comfortable. Even without my son's permission, some would call me auntie. Can I come and spend the weekend at your house? Yeah, why not? Come, be comfortable, you know, because these children are comfortable. Some would even say, auntie, I want to come to your house this Saturday. Can you call my father or my mother and tell them that you want me to come and I'll tell their parents that Your child should be able to tell you that I'm going to Nanaba's house on Saturday to spend time with her son. They should be comfortable telling you.

[B]

Is it fear? Do some parents put fear in the kids?

[A]

Basically fear and not being present. It's either fear or just not being present or not caring. I mean, every parent cares about their child, but you should be concerned about what your child wants to do, what your child is not doing. Because sometimes some parents are surprised. They get surprised their child will do something very wonderful and they are shocked that their child was able to do it. How do you not know that your child can do that?

[B]

Right.

[A]

You should know your child's abilities and capabilities. And so when your child is falling short, you should know something is going wrong somewhere. So time to have a conversation with them.

[B]

This is a full time job.

[A]

It is not. It is fun. It is a fun job because you have decided to be responsible for another human being. So your responsibility is not just financial. Your responsibility is financial, is emotional, it is mental. You have to be present at all times. Connected Minds Podcast.