← Lakepointe Church with Josh Howerton
Lakepointe Church with Josh Howerton
6 Rules to Fight FOR Your Marriage (Not in It) | Love Life | Pastor Josh Howerton
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Hey, guys, thanks for checking out this Bible teaching. Every week we release a podcast that corresponds to the sermon. It's like a little bit of a deeper dive where we hit some things that didn't make it into the sermon, some theological concepts. We talk about things that are going on in our culture and how to think about them from a biblical perspective. We call that podcast Live Free. An episode releases every Monday that corresponds to the sermon. If you would like to check out Live Free, just go to the Lake Pointe YouTube channel and look for the podcast tab there. We'll see you at Live Free. Now enjoy this Bible teaching. All right. All right, man. Welcome, Lake Point family. And if you guys got your Bibles, head over to Song of Psalm chapter 5. We got to get right at it today. I do just want to give you a heads up. As you guys have heard, we are right now, in a little season, we do this time of the year every year called 21 Days of Prayer, where we are leading up to a night of prayer and worship that we do. It's coming up this weekend or this week on Wednesday night called Encounter. And here's what this is. If you've never been around this, it is, I believe, one of the two most important things we do all year. We got this thing at Lake Point where we believe we got to win the war in the spiritual before we wage in the fifth physical. And so what we will do this weekend, 21 days of prayer. We have been praying the same things as a church body, doing the same things in the Word as a church body, leading up to a night of prayer and the Word. And so, man, I used to be a camp pastor, preached a million youth camps before I became a pastor. And I kind of developed this conviction that about 80% of what's wrong with Christian adults is they stop going to camp. It's like we stopped having this time of the year where we just set aside our lives unto the purpose of God and we just remember, like, oh, yeah, my whole life's about God. And so what's gonna happen this Wednesday night? The best way for me to describe it is this Wednesday night is the last night of camp and we'll come together. And if you've never been little joke about Lake Point is that we are pres. Baptistal and this is where we channel the costal. And so we're gonna do. It's a prayer meeting. And, like, we go at it and assault the throne of heaven for God to pour out his spirit in supernatural ways. Our church in our lives. And our families. And every time we do it, we pray it. He does it because he's a good dad. It loves to give good gifts to his kids. And then we'll have. I know this sounds weird if you've not been around, but it's in the Bible. James, chapter five talks about the elders anointing people with oil and praying for healing in the name of the Lord. And we'll have that at all of our campuses, James. Five elders praying for physical healing. And we see God do it every time we have prayer meeting. And so anyway, all that's happening. JP's coming in. It's going to be awesome this Wednesday night. Doors open early, starts at seven. We'll see y' all there. It's gonna be great. All right, now let me get right into this series. This is the last week of a series that we are calling Love Life. And last week of the series we're calling Love Life. And I just want to. I want to give a testimony from somebody in our church. We got over here. This is the. Yeah, this is the last week of the series that we're calling Love Life. Well, we're doing this week. Let me. Let me lead into it what we're doing this week. What I've learned about you guys during the series is that Everybody. This is PG11, so I can be very straightforward with you. Everybody likes to talk about sex. Y' all like talk about sex? We did. In fact, during the week, week two of this series, me and Janet did a podcast where we, like, kind of deep dived into all things marriage and intimacy and all the things. That little podcast, I think had a few hundred thousand downloads that week. The podcast, our podcast was more downloaded than the podcast from the New York Times that week on itunes. Okay, now let me just. Yeah, that's. Now that's how I felt right there. Because it's kind of been my life goal to defeat the New York Times. So I felt great about it. And that's a whole different thing. But now, here's my thing. There's two things a pastor can preach on that when you preach on them, attendance goes up. Anytime a pastor preaches about sex, attendance goes up. Anytime a pastor preaches about the end times, attendance goes up. So someday what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna preach a sermon about will there be sex in the end times? And we'll break all the attendance records. It's gonna be great. It's going to be awesome. Going to be great. Okay? But here's the thing. Everybody Wants to talk about sex. Nobody wants to talk about conflict. But. But here's the deal, okay? Again, I'm talking to you straightforward way. Here's why it's more important for me to preach on and you're going to see it conflict than sex. Here's why. Because even if you are absolute machines and you're in a bedroom for like an hour every day, all the people chuckling are the married people. Like, what do you even do for an hour? That's what they're chuckling about. Okay, even if that was you, you still got 23 hours left in the day to figure out how to make things work. So what we're going to do today. This is hilarious, because it's true in the Song of Solomon, there's only one chapter on the honeymoon. There's two chapters on a fight they have because the Bible is true to reality. So what we're going to do is I'm going to get right at it and you're going to see in Song of Psalm chapter 5. This is the last week of the series. Now, they've done the. They met each other, godly man, godly woman. They dated, courted, whatever you want to call it. Then they, they did the marriage, they did the honeymoon, they did the covenant. We talked about that last week. Now here's what happens. Chapter five. This is the woman singing. And she says, I slept, but my heart was awake. Listen, my beloved is knocking. Open to me, my sister. So this is a dude, she's singing about what he's saying. So she hears a knock on her little bedchamber and he says, open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my flawless one. Now what I'm gonna do in the next 60 seconds is I'm gonna 20, 25 a 3000 year old poem. So he says, my head is drenched with dew. He's like, I'm sweating, I'm sweating like crazy. My hair with the dampness of the night. What he's going is, he's going, hey, babe, I worked a swing shift. I've been out in the fields all day. I've been working hard. And then he's like, I've been working hard and now I need some love. And so he's going, hey, I earned something. That's kind of what he. What's going on? Okay, now what you just read, that is Hebrew for how you doing? That's what is going on right here. He's got ideas. Now what's hilarious is watch this. Here's her response. She says, oh, I've taken off my robe. Do I gotta put it on again? Yeah, it's all feminine laughter. I've washed my feet. Must I soil them again? Now that's Hebrew for I got a headache. That's what she's saying. What? Seriously, I'm at a 20, 25, this thing for you. Seriously, what's happening? This is an ancient Hebrew way for her to essentially say, are you kidding me? I already went through my 45 minute skincare routine. I do before bed, already did all the things, my little thing, that I do and I'm all ready for bed. And now you're coming in, you got ideas. You missed dinner, you worked late. Where were you at six? That's what she's saying. So he's knocking and he's got ideas. She's on the inside of the door looking like this. Yeah. She's like, you got to be kidding me. Okay, now watch what happens. The Bible is very true to reality. Eventually, later, she's like, fine. And then this verse says, I opened for my beloved, but my beloved had left. He was gone. And now we got our first fight. Okay, now let's talk about this because let me do a little theology real quick. If you go back now, this is very, this is very theological. If you go back to the book of Genesis, here's what happens is in Genesis chapter two, God creates the first man and the first woman. And again, what he does is marriage is a. Men and women are equal in value, but different in roles. They are equals, but they are not equivalents. So God creates the husband to be the loving head of the home and the marriage. And God creates the woman to be the respectful helper. Loving head, respectful helper, make one compliment. That's what you have in the Bible. And we do not apologize for the Bible. That's what it says. And then what happens is in Genesis chapter two, the first wedding happens. Satan doesn't show up until Genesis chapter three. Here's the big idea in the Bible is first comes the wedding and then comes the war. As soon as you do the matrimony. Satan wants to create a melee. There is a reason for this because God's primary, or I should say it like this, one of God's primary mechanisms to see his purposes advanced in the world. Genesis uses the words take dominion. The way that the people of God arrange the world to the glory of God and the purpose of God and the good of people is through spirit filled marriages where a husband and a wife are aligned around the purpose of God. They found A calling that they can pour themselves in together. That's actually one thing that makes the marriage unified and great. They find a calling for the purpose of God they can pour themselves into together. And then God moves through the power of the spirit in the marriage to change the world for God's glory. That's what he does. So Satan attacks it, because that's the thing that God uses to advance his purposes. Now, what we need to talk about is here's a big idea, is you and your spouse have an enemy. You have an enemy, but that enemy wants you to think that your spouse is your enemy. And here's what Satan wants to do. What Satan wants to do is turn man and wife into man versus wife, where you treat each other like enemies. What God wants to do is you to understand that you and your spouse have an enemy. And you and your spouse fight as allies against that enemy together. And the second that you figure out that your biggest fight in your marriage ain't him and it ain't her, it's you together against him, the enemy, everything's gonna start to change. So when I say the title of the sermon is how to Win a Fight, it's not how to win a fight with him or how to win a fight with her. It's how you together win a fight together against the enemy. Okay, now here's what we're gonna do. John Gottman, A. That's scattered applause. You're gonna clap, you gotta commit. You gotta go for it. Just wait. No, don't do it now. It's too late. No, no, no, no, you didn't do it. Don't do that now. John Gottman was a marriage researcher way back in the 90s when we rode dinosaurs to school. John Gottman, what he did is he studied these couples for 16 years. And he got to the spot where he could watch a couple do conflict for less than 10 minutes and predict with 93.6% accuracy if that couple would end up in divorce or if they'd be able to stay together. I'm gonna say that one more time. He could watch them in conflict for 10 minutes. 93.6% accuracy. Determine. Are they going to make it? Okay, now here's the big idea. The question is not whether you are going to fight. Hey, guys. One center plus one center is never going to equal zero conflict. Amen. One center plus one center. Adjust your expectations. One center plus one center does not equal zero conflict. So the question isn't whether you're going to fight. The question is how you Are going to fight? That's the question. Now, if we zoom out on what happens in Song of Solomon, there is a verse in the New Testament, the book of James. That is the. This is the most practical sermon of the series, and you'll see why. Verse in the book of James that summarizes how we as men and women of God, how we're going to do conflict in our marriages. All right? Now, here's a verse, James 1:19. It says, My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this. Now, the reason I'm saying this is if you were ever gonna take notes on anything from the whole series here, in a second, I'm gonna give you six rules that Christian couples should use in conflict. Six rules for conflict in Christian marriages. If you were ever gonna take notes on something, you wanna take notes on that. So taking notes on the sermon doesn't get you into heaven. I do think it gets you to the front of the line. Take notes on this, okay? Then he says this. He says, number one, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna be quick to listen. Now, if you have not figured this out lo these many years, when you get into conflict, you are not quick to listen. You are quick to speak. That's what you're quick to do. You're slow to listen, and you're quick to speak. So I'm gonna. Again, I'm gonna be very, very practical. I am awesome. Listen, poor Jana. We started married. We started marriage very, very bad at conflict. First five, six, seven years. We are now very, very good at conflict. Jana. Poor Jana is. Jana is a processor. She's wise. She has measured words. She needs to think for a second before she figures out what she thinks and feels and wants to say. And poor Jana married a preacher, and so she married a guy that is very quick. Processor is very fast with words. And I love an argument, and that's not always great. So that was a thing. Now, here's what I had to figure out. What you got to figure out is how you can be somebody who's quick to listen. So here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give you a rule. Jan and I do this in our marriage. Now, this little rule has really changed our conflict in our marriage completely. Now, check this out. Especially the dudes. Not only the dudes, but especially dudes. Here's what we're going to do in order to apply being quick to listen. What we're going to do is when your spouse says something in a conflict, what you're going to do is you're going to repeat back to them what they just said to show that you understand what they're saying. Okay, here's what I mean. So you get in conflict. She's going to say some words, he's going to say some words. Then you're going to say something like this. Hey, in a calm way. So what I hear you saying that when I do X, that makes you feel Y. Now, what you're doing right now is called active listening. What you're doing is you are practicing being quick to listen. And here's what you're gonna figure out is that you don't have to agree. You're not agreeing. In fact, the nature of a disagreement is that you don't agree yet. But when you acknowledge the feelings of the situation, it pulls some of the emotion out, it lowers the defenses, and it gives you the ability to talk about the issue instead of attacking the person. So, number one, what we're going to do, we're going to be quick to listen and repeat back what they just said, to practice it. Now, number two, and this is where we're going to get some rules for us. Number two, and we're going to be slow to speak. Now, if you haven't figured this out, you get in conflict fast to speak. So I'm going to give you a proverb. There's something else Solomon said in the Book of Proverbs. I love how straightforward it is. I like straightforward speech. I love this. This is great. Here's what it says. Watch your tongue and keep your mouth shut. Okay, Some of you need to memorize this. Knit it on a doily, put it on a coffee cup. In fact, you could just do this. You could just keep your mouth shut. Proverbs 21, 23, that's all you could put on there. And if you keep your mouth shut, what you're gonna notice is you stay out of a lot of trouble. If you haven't noticed this, it's when you open your mouth. The Book of Proverbs says, where words are many, sin is not absent. It's when you start opening your mouth real quick and spewing out words. When there's lots of emotion, you're going to get in a lot of trouble. But if you can keep your mouth shut, you're going to stay out of a lot of trouble. Now, I want to give some rules. Okay? These are rules. These are six rules. These are not original to me. These are rules that Jan and I heard years ago. And these are Rules that me and Jana, we have decided, these are the rules that we are agreeing to abide by when we get into conflict in our marriage. And let me just tell you, if you will agree terms of engagement, if you will agree, this is how we do conflict as Christians. Gonna change everything in your marriage. Okay, six quick rules. I'm gonna go through them really fast. Rule number one is what we're not gonna do is no name calling. There's never a reason for it. In fact, when you start doing name calling, what you're doing is you're siding with Satan. The Bible calls Satan the accuser of the brethren. And you are taking what your spouse did or what you think about your spouse's negatives, and you are making it who they are. That's what Satan does. Hey, guys, we're on Team Jesus, not on Team Satan. I hope that's like, a good baseline rule. So when we get it. That's right. Amen. So when we get into conflict, what we're not gonna do is we're not gonna turn into somebody who is actually a mouthpiece for the enemy and start calling names. We don't do any name calling. Number two. Rule number two, we're never gonna raise our voice. Never. Okay? In the book of James. Got real quiet when I said that. Ironically, in the book of James, there's a little verse. And by the way, parents, this is a great verse for parenting as well. Okay? James says this. It says that the anger of man does not produce the righteousness that God requires. What it's saying is, check this out. Nobody has ever been raged into repentance, and nobody has ever been raged into righteousness. So, in fact, when you elevate your tone, you're creating a combative situation where it's me against you instead of me for you, with you, trying to understand you. And we're fighting the enemy together, so we're not gonna raise our voice. Rule number three, here's what we're also not gonna do. We're not gonna get historical. First Corinthians 13 says this. It says that love keeps no record of wrongs. Okay? So check this out. Here's what you're not gonna do. You're not going to get an argument. And every argument you have turns into an archeological dig where you dig up everything for the last 30 years that they did that relates to that thing that they just did this week. We're not going to do that now. Okay? Brother, that is a brave man down here. Listen, will you pray for this young man Actually, you're going to wait for a couple of these. Hey, bookmark this guy. When I get to rule number six. God bless you, sir. That's awesome. That's amazing. For real. That was awesome. Okay, we're not gonna get historical. Now, listen, here's the reason we're not gonna do that. If every time you have an argument, you dig up everything for the last 30 years, you go back to the Reagan administration on everything that they did, and you get all up in there, there's two things that happen. Number one, 1 Corinthians 13. Again, it says love keeps no record of wrongs. So what you're demonstrating is that actually you didn't cancel the record of that debt against that person. You kept the record of that debt against that person. But here's the other thing. And listen, you don't know that you're doing this, so, like, let me just plead with you. Help me help you. If every time you get in a conflict, you get historical and do that archeological dick thing, you are creating a culture in your marriage where you're actually disincentivizing your spouse from ever admitting they're wrong. Because what you're doing is you're training your spouse. If they admit that they were wrong, you're not going to cancel it. You're going to treat it like a rock that you put in a little bag that you keep, and you're going to throw that rock back at them when it becomes convenient in the future. So what we're not going to do, we're never going to get historical. We're going to keep it here. Rule number four, the other thing we're not going to do, we're not going to say never or always. You never. You owe it. You're not going to do it. And here's why we're not going to do it. Because very frankly, guys, listen, it's just never true. It's never. And I say never on purpose. It's never actually true. And they know that, okay? So when you do that, they immediately go defensive, like, bro, that's not. You know, and they feel it's. So we're not gonna say never. We're not gonna say always. Rule number five, we're never. Okay, listen. We're never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. I almost literally wrote out all those. Threaten divorce. We're not gonna do it. Amen. Amen. We're not gonna do it, okay? And listen, here's the reason we're not gonna do it. Because last week, what we learned is that marriage is a covenant. It is till death do us part. Marriage is a covenant. I will be what I should be to you, even if you are not what you should be to me. Now, some caveats. I hit this in the podcast. There are some rare circumstances that are reasons for biblically permissible divorce. As a last resort, not a first option. All the caveats. But. But in general, under normal circumstances, we are never, ever, ever going to bring up divorce. Jan and I just decided this at the beginning of our marriage. Divorce is not an option. Homicide, maybe. Divorce, never. That's what we just decided. Okay, so we're not going. We're not going to do this, because when you threaten divorce, here's what's going to happen, man. When you do that, you're trying to hold that person emotionally hostage and force them against their. Well, you're trying to power up and manipulate them into agreement, or else I'm out. Okay, we're not going to do that. Now. Here you go, brother. Rule number six. Really important one. Here you go. Never quote your pastor in a fight. That's the other one. We're not going to do that. Can I just say, the last five weeks, I keep hearing about this. Leave me out of it. You quote me when things are happy. Okay? Quote me when things are happy. That'd be great. But don't quote your pastor when you're in a fight. You get to that later. All right? So those are our six rules. All right? Now, the last thing that we're going to get to is the third thing we're gonna do. So we're gonna be quick to listen, we're gonna be slow to speak. And then watch this. We're gonna be slow to become angry. We're gonna handle our anger righteously. Okay? Now check this out. And then I'm gonna give you a visual illustration. It's one of my favorite illustrations. I'm gonna give you this in a second. Check this out. The enemy's goal is the destruction of your marriage. The enemy's strategy is division between you and your marriage. But watch this. His tactic is to bring offense into your marriage. I'm going to say it one more time. The enemy's goal is the destruction of your marriage. His strategy is division within your marriage. His tactic is to bring offense in your marriage. Okay, now this is an illustration, not original to me, that I've used before. I used it a few years ago. It's so. I try to get it in every few years. So you're going to get it today. Will you guys please help me welcome Luke and Sidney to the stage? Come on. Welcome on up here, Luke and Sydney. Okay, Luke, what's up, brother? Sydney. Thank you. Thank you. I don't know. Pound it. We can pound it. That's great. That's great. Okay, now, Luke and Sydney, they've been married, I think it's four and a half years. Four and a half years. This is what we got right here. So here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna do some marital counseling together for a few minutes. And, hey, we're gonna get them to 20. Amen. Church right here. We're gonna get them to 20. That's what's gonna happen. They're like, yeah, yeah, we would like that. Okay, now, Sydney, I got a question for you. What is your favorite restaurant? Cheesecake Factory. The menu's really big. I can't figure out my thing there. You like the options? Okay, all right. I'm learning things. Okay, we're learning things. So we're gonna get you guys a good gift card to Cheesecake Factory, and you're gonna take her out. It's gonna be great. Okay, now let me give this illustration of what's gonna happen when it comes to Satan's strategy in your marriage. And so, real quick, throw that verse on the screen from Beginning of song, Psalm 5. Throughout the book, it says this. It says, let my beloved come to his garden, eat his choicest fruits. I came to my garden, my sister, my bride. So, Luke and Sidney, what Song of Solomon does is it uses this analogy that your relationship is supposed to be like a garden. And so, like, heads up. You know, I'm just now getting to the age where I think about this a lot. But here's your goal. Your goal is to be someday. You know, your age is going to start with a 7, 8, or a 9. Your goal is to be wrinkly in a rocking chair next to Luke someday holding hands, watching your grandkids and your great grandkids play in the yard. And you knowing that their parents are raising them to know love and follow Jesus. And you just have. That's the goal, okay? So that this is designed to grow that. Okay, now here's the deal is we're gonna use the analogy of offense. That's a little pun to play on words of offense. And here's what's gonna happen in your marriage is you're gonna have a million chances to give offense to one another. The question is, what are you gonna do with it when it happens. Cause it is. It's gonna happen. And in fact, I just need to ask, like, have you guys gotten to the spot yet? Have you been married long enough? Figure out you're gonna offend each other. All right. She's very adamant. The answer's yes. And you were tempered in your response, which was wise. This was wise. Okay, take notes over here. That's good, brother. That's good. That's awesome. Okay, so, Luke, let me just explain to you what's gonna happen in your marriage. Luke, there's gonna be times where you start talking and you say dumb things. Cause you're a man. And then what's gonna happen is it's gonna come out. You're gonna say something stupid. And when that happens, you're gonna give Sidney offense. Now, Sidney, when that happens, you're gonna have a decision about what you do with the offense. Okay? So I'll give an example. And, Luke, I'm trying to save you, brother. This is a true story from my marriage. And because you've heard this story, you're not gonna repeat my mistake. Three years into our marriage, Jan and I went to a woman named. I'm gonna call her Sarah's house. Sarah had made macaroni and cheese. And my mistake, Luke, was that when I bit into the macaroni and cheese, Luke, I was too passionate about how good it was. And so I bit into the macaroni and cheese, and I was like, mmm. And then I said, luke, I said, this is the best macaroni and cheese. Yeah. That I have ever had. They had all the crumbles on top and, you know, all just lightly crispy. And then, Sydney, you won't believe this. And then I said, jana, will you get with Sarah and get the recipe to her? This is a true story to her. Macaroni and cheese. Now everybody understands. Okay, Now, Luke, when I got in the car later, I learned some things. Jana informed me that she did not need Sarah's recipe for macaroni and cheese because she would never be making macaroni and cheese again. That was number one. That was number one. And then now Jana gave me permission to tell that true story as long as I mentioned that her macaroni and cheese is actually better than Sarah's. Okay? So that's. Let me just get that out there. Okay, Now, Luke, when I said that really stupid thing, I said, janna, will you get with Sarah and get her recipe? It was like, boom. Handed Jana an offense. Now, that's gonna happen. But then, Sydney, you have A choice. What are you going to do with that offense once it happens? That's one. Or I'll give you another one. Is actually, I'm gonna start over here. One of the things that's kind of you're gonna notice this is expectations, Sydney. Actually, let me keep this right here for a second. It's expectations. So what you're gonna notice and what you guys are gonna notice, the breeding ground for offense, Sidney, in a marriage is unmet expectations. But watch this. That grows out of unspoken expectations. So, Sidney, you need to know this. Let me just say this gently, is Luke, he can't hit a target you don't draw for him. And, Luke, you can't hit a target Sidney doesn't draw for you. So it's clarity of expectations. But here's what you don't know, and you haven't figured all this out yet, you're gonna discover it for a few more years, is you walked into your marriage with different expectations. Let's do birthdays for an example. Like, Sidney, when you were growing up, you may have grown up in a family where, like, birthdays were, like, a big deal. Is that true? It is true. Okay. All right. Now, Luke, in your family, what about you? Birthday's a big deal. Not a big deal. Okay. So you're me in year one of marriage, and you're Janet in year one of marriage. So you may have had an experience like this. Like, Sydney, you grew up in a family where it's like, you didn't have a birthday. You had, like a birth month. And then on your birthday, you wake up, and it's like your dad took the day off work, and he made the pancakes with all the sprinkles on it. Okay. Stuff like that. Okay, okay. Whoa. And then he sang you a special little song he had for Ms. Sydney. And then you got a gift at breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And then the whole family came over to let's celebrate. Sidney. Okay. But then, Luke, you grew up in a family where it wasn't a big deal. And your family was like, well, bro, what do we even celebrate? You just came out, like, what accomplishment are we celebrating here? Like, what? And so, like, on your birthday, it was like, happy birthday, son. Peace. And your dad went off to work. Now, what happens is you brought those expectations in. You brought those expectations in. So Luke, she woke up on birthday expecting one thing, but then Sydney, Luke woke up and brought his in, and you were expecting one thing, but he just pecked you on the forehead and went, see you later, babe. And when he said, listen, watch this. When he said, see you later, babe, it went boom. Offense. Now, again, the question is, what are you gonna do with it when that happens? That's the question. Let me do one last one, and then I wanna show this. Because, Sidney, it's not just gonna be him giving you offense. That's like the stereotype is the dumb idiot guy. But actually, Sidney, you're just as sinful as him. You're going to give him just as many as he gives you. And so, for instance, here's one. I want you to hold this one. You can just like that. Luke, you may have got married. And then you. It didn't take you long to figure out Sidney actually doesn't have hobbies. This is a theoretical. You discovered Sidney's hobby is buying things. Okay, so then. And Sydney, I learned in previous services that's apparently true. So God bless this young man. Pray for him in Jesus name. And then, so what happened is, early in your marriage, you're the budget guy. That's me, I'm the budget guy. I like the clean spreadsheet. So then what happens is Sidney went out and did her hobby, and then she comes back with all these shopping bags on her arm. But to you, they don't look like shopping bags. To you, they look like grenades. She's going to launch onto the spreadsheet of your budget. Then, Sidney, here's what happens. You see the dismay on this working man's face, and all of a sudden, here's what you're going to say. Now, y' all are going to help me finish this. You're going to see the dismay on his face. You're going to try to make it better. Y' all help me finish this. You're going to say, don't worry, babe, I got it on sale. There it was. Boom. Apparently, that's happened before. Now, then, Sydney, what you're going to notice is that his dismay did not go away when you told him it was on sale. So you're going to try to make it up. You're going to say things like, oh, well, hey, babe, but this was 50% off, and that was 50% off. And 50 plus 50 is 100. It was free. And you're going to say stuff like that and just. You're going to hand him more, more, more, more, more, more. Now, Luke, here's the big deal. Is that. Come back here with me, Luke. When that happens, you get to choose what to do with the offense. Okay? So you may lay in bed at night, five hours later, and you're still thinking about it like this stinking Sydney. Does she not know how hard I work? Did she not see the budget? Dave Ramsey said? And she didn't agree. We got the envelope system. We did that. Da, da, da. And just. So just jam it real down in there. You're a good, strong young man, and you're thinking about it. That's right. Okay. And you're driving that offense down into the soil of your soul. Okay? But then watch this. Here's. What's gonna happen is it's not just gonna be. Sometimes it's gonna be little things. Like, Sidney, you may have noticed. You'll notice this, that a lot of the things that you liked about each other before you got married. Yeah. Then you get married and it's like, oh, dang, that hits different now. So, for instance, Luke, you. You before. So there's an old Luke. You're. Luke's on staff with us. Here's an old country preacher saying. The old country preacher said, before marriage, opposites attract. After marriage, opposites attack. That's what it said. That's not original to me now. So what happens before marriage? What you may have loved about Sidney is she's mysterious. Okay, but then. I don't know if that's true. It doesn't matter. But then after marriage, what you're thinking is, just tell me what you think. Say something. I don't know. But then, Sydney, for you, what you may have liked about Luke before marriage is that he's the life of the party. He walks in and lights up the room. He's got the energy. But then. Come back here with me, Sidney. But then you get into marriage, and what used to feel like life of the party, it feels like this. Shut up, Luke. Shut up, will you please? Jam it in there real good. Please stop talking. Shut up. Shut up, Luke. That's what she's thinking. So you get this, and it's like, dang, that hits different now. You know what I'm saying? Now come back over here. Or sometimes it's like it's little stuff. Like, little stuff. Like, actually, let me stay back here. It'll be easier. Like, it's texting. Do you like to text, Sidney? You do? You do. And so, Luke, what may happen to you is. Come back here, Luke is. You may be on a date and you're trying to take her out and have a good time, but then you get an. Actually, get ready. Get ready. And then you're in the car and on the way to the date, she won't get off her dang phone. Oh, whoa, whoa. I didn't tell you to start. He's like, oh, bro, grind it in there. He's ready. You're just thinking about it. Why don't you get our phone and now start just driving it down. And what you're thinking is, well, when I text you from work, you never respond. But when we're on a date together, you won't get off your phone. And that's it. So you're really in there. That's right. And then you're just driving this offense down into the garden of your marriage. Or it may be. Go back over here. Or like this one. Janet, Sydney, Jan and I, we have driving problems in our marriage. Oh, same. Now, who's the better driver? Between you? Six, seven, something like that. Okay, that's great. Now that's it. We don't know. We don't know. So then I got a teenage daughter. I got. So we have the situation in our marriage where Jana has a great sense of direction, but she can't drive. She's a terrible driver. But I have a terrible sense of direction. I'm an amazing driver. So then we'll get in this situation where Jana. She's driving me home. This happened. Sydney. Jana was driving us to a date. She picked me up from a meeting, and she almost got killed. And I'm in this. Luke. I'm in the seat making little comments about her driving. And then Jana, all of a sudden, she's like, you know, it's just. She's stewing on it, and eventually, finally, she's like, well, if you don't like it, you drive. And she's driving. You know, it's just. She's getting that thing, like, down in there. Like, you. You drive. She gets that. Or let's. Let's get that. Okay, I'm going to need you to stay right there. Okay? Luke, you going to help us? Stay right there. Or it may be something like this. Sarah. Not. You're not Sarah macaroni and cheese. That. You're not Sarah, You're Sydney. Let's move on. Let's move on. Or, Sydney, you may. Sidney, you may have this deal where every time. Listen, Janet, if you're watching, I never. I never think about Sarah's macaroni and cheese. I don't know what that is. Sydney, you may have this deal where every time you walk the trash can, walk past the trash can. And for some reason, Luke, he never takes the trash out. Never. He just leaves it for you. And listen, where did that agreement come from? What are you? Are you the garbage woman? What is that? And, Luke, you may do this thing where instead of taking out the trash, you just do the push it down thing. Do you do that? Does he do that? He does do that. So we gotta figure this. So then, Luke, heads up. This is what Jana. Let me help you. Jana helped me understand that when I do that, she instructed me with clarity that I make her job harder. Because, Luke, every time you press down the trash can, you press it down, you're making it heavier for. This is what I've been told. You're making it heavier for her, and it makes little holes in the bottom of the bag, and all the juice comes out. So then, Sidney, you'll walk past the trash can, and he never takes it out. You saw, it's compacted. And now every time you walk past it, you're like, did he think he married a garbage woman? What is going on? I can't believe. What is he doing? Okay, now, Luke, come back here eventually, if you do this for 20 years, okay? Because that's where we want. Let me get this over here. That's where we want to get y'. All. We want to get you to 20 years. If you hold on to these little offenses, eventually, here's what your marriage feels like. Sydney. Sydney, where'd the love go? Sydney, we haven't been to Cheesecake Factory in six years. Sydney, what happened? Okay, now, in all seriousness, here's the deal. Let me. Emotional gear shift, because you guys need to understand this, because these are half jokes. But, Luke, what will happen is for some of the people that are listening, and you guys are not going to do this is these things are not trash cans and texting for some of these people. One of them stood at an altar and they said, till death do us part, forsaking all others. And one of them meant it. But then they found out later that the other one didn't, and that became one of these things. Or they said some words and there's no take backs on words. Those words came out and they can't unsay them. Or somebody discovered somebody's browsing history. And then she feels like, man, you, like, acquired a digital harem. And what? Well, like, am I not enough for you? And it's this. And watch this. Over the years, what God had joined together, a man and a woman separated because they held on to offense. Now, will y' all thank them for helping me with this? Thank them real quick. So Satan's goal is the destruction of your Marriage. His strategy is the division within your marriage. And his tactic is offense within your marriage. Now, this sermon is very obvious. This is one of those things. It's like. It's simple, but it's hard for a lot of you guys. Here's the deal. Right now, this is the reality of your marriage. And what you're saying is we feel so distant and you think you fell out of love. Will you please listen to me? You did not fall out of love. You fell out of forgiveness. Forgiveness is the thing that clears the mechanism and keeps the one flesh intimacy alive forever. So here's how I'm gonna finish this sermon. Very straightforward way. Check out what happens in Song of Solomon. Watch what she does. It's the woman that does it. Verse 6. I opened for my beloved, so eventually she gets up, but my beloved had left. He was gone. My heart sank at his departure. I look for him. Now watch this. You should be doing this. The second there is any thing off in the marriage, the tiniest thing. Aim small, Ms. Small. The second there's anything wrong in the marriage, immediately both of you should be pursuing unity with one another. Immediately she goes, I'm looking for him. I'm pursuing. I'm going. I called to him, but he didn't answer. Number two. The watchmen found me. This is not going to make sense. As they made their rounds in the city, they beat me, they bruised me, they took away my cloak, those watchmen of the walls. Now, this is not talking about them like watchmen actually beating her. Remember, her husband's the king. You don't beat your wife with the king. And that go well for you? That's how you get killed. They're using language from Ezekiel, chapter three. Watch me on the wall. She's talking about the Holy Spirit. Convicting her conscience, almost certainly. So now she's feeling appropriately convicted for her selfishness. And he probably was feeling the same thing. Now check this out. Keeps going. Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you. If you find my beloved, what will you tell him? Two, Tell him I am faint with love. And then she says this. Oh, return. Return. This is what he says, actually. Oh, Shulamite. Now, here's what's. I know this is weird. Just check with me. Shulamite is this ancient Hebrew word. It was a female version of his name, Solomon. So it'd be like me saying, I'm Josh and she's Joshina, and that's not a joke. I'm Josh. Now here's the point. She's. They're reemphasizing. We're one. We're one. So here's what you're watching. Immediately start pursuing. You have that you have. I'm convicted for what I did, and I'm honest about where I was wrong. They immediately move towards oneness. What you have right here is. This is forgiveness. Forgiveness is what marriage is run on. So here's how I'm going to finish this message. There's. Here's a verse for you to apply. Bible says it like this. And I'm going to be really vulnerable. And we're going to finish this whole series. It says, be kind and compassionate to one another. This is a command that you have been given. If you bench your knee to the lordship of Jesus. Forgiving each other how? Forgiving each other. If they deserve it. Forgiving each other. As long as you didn't do something a whole lot more wrong than I've done to you. Not what it says. Forgiving each other. Just as Christ. Just as in Christ. God forgave you. Now I want to finish this series being very vulnerable with you. Jan and I talked this week. She gave me permission to share this. And I can just tell some of you need to hear this. Some of you have spent this whole series and what you're thinking is, Jan and I do. We have a very special marriage. Didn't come naturally, but we worked on it, and that's where it came. And you're thinking we could never have a marriage like they have because they haven't sinned like we have. And I would like to disabuse you of that notion. When Jana came into our marriage, Jana brought some sexual sin from a relationship that she had before she became a Christian. And when she. And she shared that on the podcast earlier. And so she gave you all the gift of going first. And Janice shared that with me when we got into our marriage. I was a kid of the 90s. The Internet happened in the 90s. All the things nobody knew it was on there. And so what I brought into our marriage was the polluting effects of images and content that I had seen when I was younger. And I brought that into our marriage. Now, listen, Jana did not get caught. She brought that to me because she loves me and she wanted to be honest with me. And listen, I did not get caught. I willingly brought that to Jana because I never want something between me and my bride. Okay, but watch this. Can I be honest? We both had some emotions around those things, but it honestly was just not hard for us to forgive each other. It really wasn't. And here's why. Because we were not forgiving each other based on whether or not the other person deserved it. We were forgiving each other based on the fact that Jesus Christ had purchased it. And he has. He has. He has purchased. Amen. He has purchased your forgiveness. He has purchased your spouse's forgiveness. So I'm going to say something to you that's going to have a bit of an edge to it, but I am standing on the. The word of God and speaking to you with clarity. Listen, if your spouse has sinned against you, does trust need to rebuild? Yes, all the things, all the caveats. But listen, if your spouse has sinned against you, you have no right not to forgive them because you are not being asked to forgive anything. That is more than God has forgiven you when you nailed his son to the cross by your sin. So today, what we are committing is till death do us part. Nothing, nothing stays between my spouse and me. Series I want to finish. Series all of our campuses, if you're here with your spouse, would you just reach over and grab their hand real quick? Sign of unity. Some of you are holding on to some things that have tainted your relationship for years or decades. And even right now, you got this little awkward, stony heart. You're like, I don't know if I want to hold your hand. Okay, all right, fine. The Holy Spirit could do something with the tiniest little action. So do it, even if it feels begrudging, if you're willing to take a step. And I want to pray for you right now. Okay. Bow your heads, close your eyes. Holy Spirit, I am asking you to be the preacher that I cannot be and preach the forgiveness of Jesus Christ inside of the chest of men and women. I pray that the fact that Jesus, our Lord and Savior, the fact that he pushed up on nail pierce feet and he cried out, it is finished. I pray that it would resonate in every heart right now by the power of the Spirit, that what is finished is payment for sin. That we don't have to crucify somebody for their sins because Jesus was already crucified for those sins. So, Father, I'm asking for supernatural power for healing, for the ability to release things that feel impossible to release. But if the tomb is empty, then anything really is possible. And because the cross was full, anything really can be forgiven. Remove it, heal it, restore the years the locusts have eaten in the crucified, risen name of Jesus Christ. And all God's people said amen.