← Lakepointe Church with Josh Howerton
Lakepointe Church with Josh Howerton
The Building Blocks For Godly Dating: Single AND Married | Love Life | Pastor Josh Howerton
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Hey, guys, thanks for checking out this Bible teaching. Every week we release a podcast that corresponds to the sermon. It's like a little bit of a deeper dive where we hit some things that didn't make it into the sermon, some theological concepts. We talk about things that are going on in our culture and how to think about them from a biblical perspective. We call that podcast Live Free. An episode releases every Monday that corresponds to the sermon. If you would like to check out Live Free, just go to the Lake Pointe YouTube channel and look for the podcast tab there. We'll see you at Live Free. Now enjoy this Bible teaching. All right, well, good morning, Lake Point family. And if you guys got your Bibles, head over to Song of Solomon, chapters two and three. That's going to be today. And Matt, I do just want to say this. Somebody from the church, after last week's message, they encouraged me and I. And I actually did it. I have a reminder in my iPhone now. I'm wait, I'm watching for the baby boom. Nine months from last weekend. Okay. So I'm watching. You know, it's going to be fun. Full nurseries. Nine months. Okay. Well, hey, we are in week three of a series that we're just calling Love Life, where we're preaching verse by verse, chapter by chapter, through a book of the Bible. It's a very interesting book of the Bible called Song of Songs. And here's what this book is for those of us who are newer to this book. It's just like we call Jesus King of Kings because he's the greatest king and Lord of Lords, because he's the Lord over all the other lords. Solomon, in the Bible, A King wrote 1,005 songs. And then there was this one song that God pointed to and went, that's the Song of Songs. That's the one above all the other songs. And it's about romance, dating, sex, marriage, all the things. And so we are leaning into that and preaching through it. And let me just go ahead and lay this a principle down. If you are in any way have struggled with parts of this series, I'm just going to tell you why. Here's why. Because here's our principle is that God has a plan to bless your life and your marriage, and Satan has a plan to steal, kill, and destroy your life and marriage. And ultimately you get to decide which plan you're on. God's plan to bless your marriage is in his word, and Satan's plan to curse your marriage is in the world. And ultimately you have to decide which one stands in authority over the other. Does what the word says stand in authority over what the world says and judge it and say that it's wrong and evaluate it? Or are you a person that's going to prioritize what the world says over what the word says and the world's opinion judges the word and says what is right and wrong in it? And ultimately, if you follow God's plan, it leads to blessing. And if you follow Satan's plan, there is only one thing that he wants to ever, ever, ever do is he wants to steal, kill, and destroy everything you hold dear very much, including your marriage and your family. And so in this series, what we're doing is we're just walking through and going, okay, what's God's plan for this? Now here's what we're doing in week three. This week, we're gonna talk. We're gonna talk about dating and pursuits. Now, quick heads up. If you are, especially a guy who hears that and you're like, dating. I only hear about dating. I'm already married. I'm already done with that. I have just figured out what is wrong with your marriage. I can tell you right now exactly what's wrong with your marriage. We can figure that out later. But it was interesting in getting ready for this message. You know, me and Jana, we take our little walk every night and we'll talk through the sermons. And so Jana was helping me with this and we started talking about us dating. So just for fun, I'm gonna show you, I think the only picture that we have from the. We only dated for four months from the entire time we dated. So here it is. This is the only picture I'm aware of of us dating. I know some of you are awing and some of you are laughing. The ones that are laughing are looking at the left side of the picture, and the ones that are awing are looking at the right side of the picture. Now, I just wanna point a couple things out. Number one, that's £50 ago for me. That's number one. And number two, I grew into my eyebrows. That's great. Love that. It's great. Love that. I've never met anybody else who had to grow into their eyebrows, but I did. The other thing I want to point out is I am virtually unrecognizable. And Jana looks exactly the same. Like, literally exactly. It's freakishly the same. She might be a vampire, redheaded vampire. And you know, here's your principle, is that women age like wine and men age like milk. And that is very, very clear. Okay, so here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna get right into this and talk about pursuit and dating. Okay, so here we go, Here we go. Chapter two, starting in verse ten, the woman in the passage again, all this book is, is a king and a country girl with a farmer stand. They fall in love, sing songs to each other. That's the whole book. Chapter two, verse ten. What you got is the woman is singing and she says this. My beloved spoke and said to me, arise, my darling. So this is what he says. Arise my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me. Notice this. It is the man. It's the future husband. And he does this after the marriage. In the book, he is the one that is primarily initiating in the relationship. So principle number one, in a godly relationship, a husband pursues his wife. Now I'm gonna talk about ladies in a second, but principle number one, a husband pursues his wife. Okay, now when I say pursue, we're talking about dating. It doesn't have to be like literal, actual date. You just need to figure it out what works for you. But there needs to be something in your marriage where it's like, hey, I am pursuing her. We are spending relational time together. And I'm going to talk about what the Bible says that needs to look like. Now, what I have learned in just how I am as a, as a guy and what I've learned talking to dudes is you can't just tell men like what to do. It's like they got to know why, you know, lose your. Why lose your way? So, husbands, let me help you out. I want to point out four things that we are doing when we date our wives. Four things that happen when we date our wives. Help us establish the wives. Here we go. Number one, when a husband dates his wife, number one, you are misery proofing your wife. You're misery proofing your wife, which is kind of a big deal. Kind of a big deal. Now here's what I mean. The Bible says that a godly wife, a good wife, is like a well watered garden. Husbands, if I look at a woman, ultimately over time, your wife is your resume. Ultimately, over time, your wife is your resume. So if I look at a woman, the longer she's married to a man, the longer she's married to him. There's a joy that grows, there's a beauty that continue to grow. Her confidence continues to grow. She's growing in godliness. She's moving towards a calling. Okay, well, that tells me Something about that man. Now, conversely, when you see a woman who, the longer she's married to a man, it's like the more beaten down she is, the more tired, the less joy she has is her confidence, easy, roaded. That tells me something. Not just about her, it tells me something about that man. Why? Because the way that the relationship works is that over time, your wife becomes your resume in general in some ways. Okay, now there's a theology to this. Let me go back to week one of this series so that, so that we understand this. So in Genesis chapter one and two, God creates all the things, and then he creates a man that's alone. That's the only thing that God says is not good. A man alone. We all know this. You've seen college dorm rooms. So then what God does is he creates. Watch this. A helper that will be suitable for him. That's the Bible language. And then in Hebrew, he uses this language that he is creating. These are the Hebrew words. Azer. Connecto. Azer. Connecto. Azer means helper. And then connecto is a weird word that's hard, hard to translate. If you go back to your King James version Bible, what you're gonna notice is it just smashes these two words together. And it gives the he, it gives the translation, help, meet bad translation. Nobody knows what the heck that means. So what, what kinegdo means is. It means, it means something like a compliment. It literally means in front of. Okay, so he created a woman in front of. Now let's go back to week one and then let's make it another application. Husbands. What this means is your marriage is gonna be one of three types of marriages. And you need to know which type your wife feels like she's in. Not you. Your wife feels like she's in. Okay, three types of marriages. Back to back, side to side. Wait, how did I do that? Back to backs. Let me do it. Back to back, side to side, face to face, back to back, side to side, face to face. In a back to back marriage, this is when she gets in bed and she faces that way. He gets in bed and he faces that way. And never the twain shall meet. In fact, there's actually a little conflict, a little electricity, a little tension in the home. And this is where primarily because of unforgiveness, sin, and bitterness, that what's happened is instead of husband and wife, it's become man versus wife. And they feel like enemies. Now, some people, they're not in a, in a back, back to back marriage. They're in a side to side marriage. And this is where the marriage, it feels like. It feels like two relationally sterile co workers. It's like he's moving this way and she's moving this way. We work on projects, we're getting stuff done, chores. I'm in a season of life where I'm like a professional chauffeur for my kids. Like 70% of the time, you're in that season of life, okay? But there's no time for intimacy emotionally, physically, relationally. And so it just feels like coworkers. We're just getting stuff done. But then whenever God creates the marriage, watch this. He creates a helper that's face to face that's in front of Adam. So what we want is a marriage that's face to face, okay? Now, intimacy, it's marked by intimacy. Intimacy just means into me. See? In fact, watch this definition of the relational nature of a godly marriage. In song of Solomon, 5:16, it says this. His kisses are sweet. I desire him so much. Young women of Jerusalem, watch this. He is my lover and he is my friend. A lover and a friend. These two things, it's a face to face marriage. We're seeing into each other's souls. We're spending time with each other. We're enjoying physical, relational, emotional intimacy. This is a face to face marriage. So he is my lover, he is my friend. The Bible literally says that a great marriage is friends with benefits. That's what you have right here. That's number one. Number two, husbands. Now, I need everybody to make sure you do not misinterpret what I'm about to say. So I'm going to talk about what this does not mean. Husbands. What we're also trying to do is fair proof your marriage. Now here's my disclaimer. You are never responsible for somebody else's sin. Their sin is their fault. So if your spouse has cheated on you, does not matter what you did, their decision was their sin and not your fault. Understood? Now listen to me. God will judge them for that, hold them responsible for their thing. He's gonna hold you responsible for your things. Now, that being said, what I'm talking about here is the dynamic. It's speaking to our desire to remove any opportunity for Satan to get a foothold, any in our marriages, as far as it depends on us. Okay? So here's what I mean. Husbands, just in a straightforward way, date your wife before somebody else tries to. If you dated her to get married to her, date her to stay married to her, this is what we do now. I'll just. I'll give an example. I got a bunch of areas in my life where, honestly, I'm just as in need of the grace of Jesus as you. Like, man, I'm failing forward in a million things and that kind of thing. I got areas where I need to grow. But, man, by the grace of God, maybe one area of my life that's like, man, I got a really good marriage. And I can just tell you, like, I treat Jana as precious, because I figured out really quick, this woman is precious, okay? Now, because of the way I treat Jana, if any man ever tried to come up in. In Janet's vicinity and, like, try to romance Janice Sweeper off her feet, two things would happen. Number one, I'd be doing prison ministry from the inside. That's number one. Listen, we. We got more than Bibles at the Howard in house. I'll just. Let me just say welcome to Texas. Okay, that's number one. Number one. Okay? All the dudes sitting on the ends of the rows, like, amen. Amen. That's what they're doing. Okay, that's number one. Okay. Number two, listen, I. Number two, I can say with complete integrity, with my wife sitting in the services, I can say complete integrity. It doesn't matter how any man would ever try to sweep Jan off her feet. No one will ever treat her better than me. So you see this. Here's what I'm saying. Here's what I'm saying. I'm. That's not fishing for applause. That's not. What I'm saying is that's our goal, husbands, is we want to treat our wives in such a way that it's like, man, I'm guarding this thing. I'm treating her as precious. All right, so here's what happens to some foolish men. What foolish men do you see the same story on repeat as they get married and they're giving her lots of attention, and then they get a little older and they just get a little crusty. They stop doing the pursuit thing. There's no into me see in the relationship anymore. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, there's nothing there. And then all of a sudden, because of that, because you're not putting in, then you know, other things aren't happening. Well, then all of a sudden, what happens is, because of the nature of the relationship, he starts getting bored, or she starts getting bored, start peeking over the fence, and then it's like, oh, okay, I'm gonna look for a new model or whatever it is. Hey, can I just say this, Listen to me. Hey, the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. The grass is greener where you water it. Okay, so this is it. That's number two. That's number two. Now check this out. Number three. Now, before that, don't put it on the screen yet. This next one has a bit of an edge to. Has a bit of an edge to it on purpose. I want the gravity of this to fall on especially my fellow fathers. Husbands and fathers in the house. Number three, husbands. When you date your wife, the third thing that happens is you loser proof your daughter. You're loser proofing your daughter. This is something you may not be thinking of. There's like four people who think that's a good idea. Okay, that's great. This is something you may not be thinking of. So, husbands, here's what you need to know. In the way that you treat your wife and in the way that you love your wife. Again, Ephesians 5. How are we supposed to love her? We're supposed to love her as Christ loved the church and laid himself down for her. Washing her with water by the washing with the word of the word. Ephesians, chapter 5. In the way husbands, fathers, that we treat our wives, we are setting a standard for our sons about how a man should treat a woman. And we are listening. The gravity of this ought to fall on you if you're a dad. We are setting a standard of expectations for our daughter about how they should expect men to treat them. And if you listen, if you treat your daughter poorly, or sorry, if you treat your wife poorly, if you ignore her, if you run her down at home, if you lose your temper on her, if there is no intimacy, what you are doing is giving permission to every man that comes into her orbit for the rest of her life to treat her like that and her be okay with it. So listen, I'll just like, this is like one of my proudest dad moments in history. Two of my daughters are like at kind of that age where like, little school crushes, they start talking about little school crushes that are all the things that are going on in their class. I'm like, super not about it, but that's what they're talking about. And so it was like, there was one time one of my daughters came home and I'm driving them home from school, and I'm always like, hey, how's the day? Let's talk about everything. And she tells me about a guy in the class that she heard or somebody Said that he had a crush on her. And I was like, what's his address? You know? But then eventually I just ask him, like, hey, so, like, we have a very. Try to keep the communication super open. That's what we're going for. So I was like, hey, so shoot me straight. Do you have a crush on him? Here's her response. Proudest dad moment ever. She said, oh, no, dad. He doesn't even hold the door open for me. I was like, yeah, let's go, baby, let's go. You know? I'm like, yeah. Now listen, the reason she said that is because she has watched me for years. That's what dad does for Mom. So that's what a guy is supposed to do for a girl. See? Hey, dads. When we treat our wives like the book of Proverbs says that a noble wife is more precious than rich rubies. When we treat our wife with nobility, honor, character, integrity, love, intimacy, what we're doing again, you're loser proofing your daughter. Because he's going to come up near her at some point. That's going to happen to every single one of our daughters. And when he gets in her vicinity, if you have set the right example and standards, he's going to be like, ooh, gross. No, no, no, not for me. Okay, so this is what we're going for. This is what we're going for. Okay, now, number. Number four, last one. When we date our wives, husbands, we are God proofing our prayers. I'm gonna read a passage from 1st Peter 3 that when you read it, it doesn't make sense. And I'm gonna help it make sense. It says, likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way. Now, some of your Bibles are gonna say, according to understanding. Here's all this means. It means, husbands, the Bible is specifically commanding us to study the souls of our wives. So, like, my job is to get a PhD in the soul of Janet Howerton. I am supposed to make sure I don't got a GED in the soul of Janet Howerton. So, like, I'll just tell you, like, I. Here's what I've learned, like, over the years. Listen, bro, I'm in it with you. Like, I just want to point out there's probably a reason the Bible was like, you're going to have to study really hard when it said that to the husband, to the wife. And it never said that to the wife. To the husband. Okay? There's probably a reason for that. We are simple, simple creatures, ladies. Simple creatures. Okay? But over the years, what I've learned about Janna is I've learned some things. Like, I've learned I've learned the words that strike Jana's heart in a way that other words don't. It's like I can say, I shower Jana with I love you, I love you, I love you. But I've learned Jan is wired in such a way, there are other things that I can say that actually mean more to her than just, I love you. Like, I've learned for Janet. Janet's got a work ethic. Like, through the roof. Like, insane work ethic. I've learned if I say to Jana, hey, babe, I noticed something. She did. And I say, hey, babe, thank you for working so hard for our family. It just does something for me. Or, hey, heads up, dads. There is no such thing as a mom who doesn't almost always feel like she's failing or could be doing better. Almost no such thing. So what I've noticed for Janice is if I'm like, I notice something specific, and I'm like, babe, our kids are so blessed to have you as a mother. Or something like, man, I'm so glad I married you. Okay, here's what I'm. A point is, you study the soul of your wife. This is what it's saying. PhD, not GED. Now, here, watch what happens. It says, showing honor to the woman is the weaker vessel. That's not an insult. That is a biological reality. If we lined all of you up and did an arm wrestling competition, I dearly hope you would beat your wife in an arm wrestling competition. That's all that means. And then watch what it says, okay? So why do we live with them in an understanding way, showing honor to them? Why do we do that? Listen, so that your prayers may not be hindered. Now you may be going, huh? What God is saying is he's saying, the way some of you are treating your wives is causing me. I'm not listening to any of your prayers. Now, here's the reason for this. Think about this logic. When God entrusted you with your wife, he entrusted you with one of his daughters. If somebody comes to me in the lobby and they're like, oh, Pastor Josh, I love you. Your ministry has blessed me so much. I just. Or maybe they want something from me. Like, man, could you send me a resource on. I would love to know what you think about. Duh. Whatever it is. If they say that to me, but then they hate or they are actively harming my daughter. Listen, if you love me, but you cuss her, I punch you. That's how that triangle works right there. Okay? Does that make sense? I'm sounding very violent in this sermon, but these are jokes, very jokes. What God is saying, hey, husbands, some of you right now because of the way that you speak to your wives, the way that you are not faithful to your wife, the way that you lose your temper on her and create a situation where she is scared. God forbid you lay a hand on your wife. God is saying, the way some of you are treating your wives, I won't listen to a single one of your prayers because there's only one conversation I'm interested in having with you. Fix the way you're treating my daughter. See, when we honor our wives, what we're doing, the person you don't want to be against your prayers is God. Okay, so we're God proofing our prayers now. Let me get real practical. Emotional gear shift. Let me get real practical. Husbands notice throughout Song of Solomon. I've already talked in chapter one and two. Yes. In the marriage, she is the one who is very frequently the sexual initiator. Be aggressive, Be aggressive. All the things. But what you're seeing right here is that in general, the initiating, the pursuing energy is primarily coming from the man and the husband. Okay, so, husbands, let's start right here. Throughout this series already, the question is like, okay, I'm hearing that as a husband, I'm supposed to lead my wife and family. How do I do it? That's the question. Or you hear from wives, my husband's not leading. What should I be doing? I got a lot of thoughts. I'll give you one. Husband, this is actually really easy, man. It's not a million Bible studies at home. That's not what I'm talking about. Just start here. Lead with lets. That's it. Lead with lets. So you be the one who says, let's go to church together this weekend. You be the one that, before meal, let's give thanks, two seconds, real quick prayer. You be the one that before your wife goes to do something, hard work, home, friends, whatever. You be the one that says, hey, let's pray together. Real quick. I want to bless you. And then here's what this is. You be the one that initiates and goes, hey, let's figure out a way to spend some relational, emotional time. Relational time together. Let's figure out the date thing. Lead with less. Now, husbands, here's what's gonna happen. You've had this happen. You're gonna get in the car to go On a date, and your door's gonna close, and then I need you to help me finish this phrase and this group therapy. You're gonna get in the car, door's gonna close, and then you're gonna look at her and say, where do you want to eat? And she's gonna say what? She's gonna say, I don't know. I don't know. That's what she's gonna say. Now, first of all, there's a theology behind this. If you go back to Genesis, chapter two, there's a Bible reason. Think about Eve with apple. The reason that sometimes women can struggle to choose where they're going to eat is because the first time they chose what to eat, they doomed all of humanity. Okay? That's it. That's number one. Number one. Okay, so, husband, I'm going to give you a little trick. Ladies, I need you all to close your ears. Close your ears. Close. You're not allowed to listen for the next five seconds. Husbands, here's your trick. You get in the car, and then you say, babe, I have picked a place for us to go that you've been dying to go for the last few weeks. Get. Guess where it is. First place she guesses. Take her there. You're welcome. You're welcome. That's it, man. You're welcome. Okay, now, what you need to do is. Again, Again. What you got here is you have the definition of marriage in Song of Solomon is you are my lover, you are my friend. So you're looking for friendship. Guys, if you are anything like me, I know this surprises people. I am an introvert. I am an introverted person. So if you're the type of guy that gets in the truck and. And you're like, I don't know what to talk about. Okay, welcome aboard. I get it. So here's what you need to do. This is easy stuff. I'm trying to real practical. You can literally Google conversation questions for date night, and then you stick them in a. Literally. I do this sometimes. You stick them in an iPhone note. And on the drive to the restaurant, you just take turns. You pick one. I pick one. You pick one. I pick one. If you're married, you can put some spicy questions in there. It's going to be fun later. Whatever you want to do, you just got to figure it out. Now, here, I'm going to give you one little hint, okay? One hint. An older godly couple with an amazing marriage gave me and Jana this conversation question years ago. And probably nothing has resulted in more blessing in our marriage than we do this about once a month. Okay? So like if you're going to take a, like I'm going to put it on the screen, you can take a little iPhone, picture, whatever, you write it down, memorize it, get a tattoo, whatever you need to do this one thing. Total marriage cheat code. Total marriage cheat code. It's this question on a date night. You just go, hey, what are three ways I'm blessing you right now? What's one way I could bless you more? What are three ways I'm blessing you right now? What's one way I could bless you more? Now, here's what's awesome about this. There's a cheat code to this. When she tells you this, you're gonna feel amazing. Amazing. Crushing it. And this question is worded in a way where it's essentially asking, how do I stink as a husband? But it sounds positive, okay, it sounds positive. And then you flip it. Okay? And then you go, but this one thing gonna result in more blessing in the car than you can imagine. Okay, now, ladies, let me talk to you. Look at how the woman in the passage is responding to his pursuit. Okay, check this out. She says, listen, my beloved, look, here he comes, leaping across the mountains, bounding over the hills. My beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag. He's a stud. Now watch this. Look, there he stands. Now, I hit this last week. This is not a peeping tom situation. There he stands behind our wall, gazing through the windows, peering through the lattice. Now this is essentially a 3,000 year old way to say she was taking a long time to get ready and he was waiting. Now here's the point that's been happening for 3,000 years. Here's the point. Ladies notice this. She is intentional about trying to make herself attractive for her man. She's intentionally trying to do that. She's excited, she's engaged. She's showing him, I'm into you and I'm into this time together. Principle number two, a lot shorter. In a godly relationship, the wife makes it fun to be pursued. Okay, so the husband is pursuing. The wife is making it fun to be pursued. So ladies, let me just say something like, ladies, be fun to actually date. Be fun to date. We hit last week. The book of proverbs says, like a continual dripping on a rainy day is a life with a contentious woman. If he tries to take you out on a date this week and then you get in a truck and your response is, well, finally, finally you want to take me out a date finally, we always go to the same places, and you always wear the same things. And Pastor Josh said not to wear a T shirt with a team logo on it. And you have a team logo on your shirt. And you know you're only doing this because Pastor Josh said so. Drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip. That's you, that's you. Better to be waterboarded by ISIS than go on a date with you. That's the book of Proverbs. Okay, okay, so this list. Proverbs, Proverbs. So, man, it's little things, ladies. It's little things again. Listen, the goal is always two people who are doing everything in their power to bless one another. To bless one another. You just always asking questions. How can I be a blessing to him? How can I be a blessing to her? Like, wear his favorite stuff. Engage in and enjoy the conversation. You want to make sure, as much as possible, the date ends. Pentecostal loss of tongues and the laying on of hands. PG. 11. Loosen up. Everybody loosen up. Okay, listen, you do that stuff. He's gonna love it. Okay, now let me finish. Let me finish. Sermon right here. Principle number three. Don't toss on screen yet. It took me a second to figure out how do I want to word some of these last things from Song of Solomon for a principle, and I couldn't figure out a way to do it. So this is a junk drawer principle. I'm just going to say a whole bunch of things for single people. That's what I'm going to do. Okay, now real quick, married people, here's what I need from you in the next few minutes. Our single people, they have to hear me talk about marriage all the time. Can you please. Shouldn't we honor, respect and value the single people in our church by being engaged and honoring some Bible teaching towards single people for a few minutes? Can we do that? Because these people are all around us and we need to do that. Okay, so here's what I need from you. One, I still need you to lean in. You got sons, daughters, grandkids. You're gonna need some of this. And when you hear something and you're like, that's true. From experience, you can affirm that. And that will help them know. Okay, that really is true. Okay, so here we go. Let me talk to our single people real quick. And then sermon's done. Single people, you need to. According to the Bible, you need to shift your focus from finding to becoming. From finding to becoming. Okay, see, that's people who are going. That's True, that's true. That's true. Now here's what I mean. Sometimes as a preacher, what I got to do is I got to blast something out before I build something up. It's like a construction project. This is where I need to blast something out. There is a lie that circulates in Christian circles all the time. That's one of the most damaging lies to single people and to married people imaginable. Here's the lie is, I call it the Myth of the 1. The myth of the One, okay? So here's what happens. I'm looking for the One, okay? Who's the one? Is he the one? She the One. And here's how it goes. It's the idea that God created just one person out there, and he created them exactly just for you. Perfect for you. And that your job is to search among the 7 billion people on earth and find the one. You got to find the One, the only person that you would ever be happy being married to. The One. And when you find them, you're going to fit together like perfect puzzle pieces and rainbows and unicorns and snowflakes. Everything's going to happen and you'll just live easily, just happily ever after. Wrong. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. There is nothing. Listen, man, there is not one verse, not one verse in the Bible that says anything like that. And watch this. Here's why it's damaging. Because when Christian single people believe that all their energy is toward finding. I gotta find him. I gotta find her. Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. If you open your Bible and look for Bible verses on how to find the perfect spouse, you're not going to find one verse. But if you open your Bible asking the question, how do I become the type of person who would be an amazing spouse? Every verse is speaking to you. So watch this. The assumption of the Bible is that when you become the right type of person, then you will attract the right type of person. Okay? So check this out. That's great. Check this out. I'm give one example and then let me move on. This is so important, man. So before I became a senior pastor, I used to like travel around, do a million youth camps. So I get into youth camp, a bunch of 8th grade, 9th grade boys, and I get into a Bible study, and I teach a Bible study. And then I would always ask them like, hey, what do you guys want to talk about? And they would always, I mean, 8th grade, 9th grade boys, they're always going to say the same thing. They're like, now keep in mind, these are kids, you know, it's like, they got no jobs, they'd never take a shower, 30 hours of Xbox, living with their mom, all the things. And then you ask them like, oh, what do you want to talk about? They're like, oh, when's God, could you give me a wife? They're like, in ninth grade, when's God going to give me a wife? And the question you want to ask somebody like that is, hey, bro, if you were God, would you give you a wife? Like, look at you. If you were God, would you give you a wife? You wouldn't even know what to do with them. And then when you say that, they get a little wry smile on their face and like, oh, I'd know what to do with them. Like, sure you would, buddy, sure you would. But then, so here's a little exercise that I would do with a bunch of 9th grade guys in a Bible study. I'd be like, okay, okay, man, two minute drill. I'm gonna set a two minute timer. You write down the type of wife you hope God brings you. And bro, it's like they can't do a homework assignment for their life. But they were like, dissertation, like burning up the paper, okay. And then when you're done, I'm like, okay, read it out loud. And their list is insane. It's like, oh, she's gotta have the beauty of Sydney Sweeney. And you know, the, you know, I'm looking for somebody with, you know, the godliness of Mother Teresa and the wisdom of Solomon and, you know, whatever, all the things, and they'll read it out loud. Now you can only talk to other guys like this. You don't talk to 8th grade girls like this ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. But with eighth grade guy, he can read his list like that. And he reads that out loud. And I say, bro, that girl would never marry you. The girl you just described is never gonna. As you are right now. That girl is never gonna marry you. Here's the point. Your goal is to become the type of person that the type of person you're looking for is looking for. I've heard that said. So it's becoming. Here's the other thing. Now, married people, if you believe the myth of the one, you'll walk into marriage with insane expectations. Notice this. The Bible doesn't say. The Bible says the two shall become one. It does not say the haves shall become whole. If two halves walk into a marriage, they don't make a whole, they make hell because they walk into the marriage, asking their spouse to complete them and fill the parts of their heart that actually only a fully satisfying relationship with Jesus Christ can do. Okay, so that's it. That's number one. I gotta do the others much quicker. Number two, for single people, dating in the Bible is a process to move through. It is not a status suit to sit in. Dating is a process to move through, not a status to sit in. Okay, Notice in Song of Solomon, there's this whole courtship thing right here. Dating, whatever you want to call it, they immediately move towards marriage. Watch this. The Bible says nothing about dating. It says everything about deciding what you're doing in marriage or what you're doing in dating is you're evaluating. Is this the type of person that I want to decide to link with and become one with? That is. Listen, that's the only purpose of dating. If you're doing anything else, you are playing with people's hearts, and you're putting them in a position to be in significant amounts of temptation and heartbreak. Okay? So let me just say it like this, okay? This becomes real clear when you become a dad with daughters. Like, just if a guy from our church were to walk up to me and say something like this, hey, Pastor Josh, I'm not ready for marriage, and I have no intention of ending up with your daughter, but could I please have your daughter for the next few months? She's going to give me parts of her heart that she might not be able to ever get back. She's going to give me all of her time and attention. She's going to give me all of her emotional agility. And I may. Honestly. We may end up being in spots where we're tempted to give each other parts of our bodies, physically or sexually, that we shouldn't. I have no intention of ending up with her, but could I please have your daughter for a while? I mean, if that were to happen, it's like, you know, my eyes would turn red, sky would turn dark, voice would say, finish him. It's like out of the sky, like, really quick, man. Really, really quick. Really quick. Okay, so here's the point. Hey, here's the point. The only purpose of dating is to move toward marriage. That's the only purpose. So, like gentle pastoral encouragement, do not date until you're ready to move towards marriage. And do not date someone you would not consider for marriage. Because watch this. If you do that, you're not dating them. You're using them. You're using them. Okay, so here we go. Last one, last one. Men I just want to continue to say this. Men, be clear with your intentions. I met three couples last night after Saturday services who heard week one. And a dude literally walked up to a godly girl as a greeter, asked her on a date, and now they're going out. I love it, okay? So I just want to celebrate it all in. All in. All in. That's awesome. But man, continue. Let me say this. You need to be clear with your intentions. Whenever you ask a girl out on a date, you need to use the word date so she knows what the heck you were asking her to do. Use the word date three times. In the Song of Solomon, it says, do not arouse or awaken love before so desires. If you ask her something stupid like, hey girl, you want to chill sometime? She doesn't know what you're talking about. Hey girl, you want to hang out? That's real weird. If you send her a stupid text message at 10:30, you up question mark? Whatever it is, she doesn't know what you're doing, she doesn't know what you're doing. So use the word date. You want to say something like, could I get your number sometime? I would like to take you out on a coffee date next Friday. And just a little pro tip, single guys, here's a pro tip. If you want to make it easier on her and you, the way that you ask her out, you also give her an out. So you say, hey, I'd like to take you out on a date next Friday, but I understand if you're busy. It's just a little gentlemanly way to give her an easy out if she's not into it. Now the other thing I'll say to the young men, you need to honor her and protect her heart in that process. So do not do this. If you go on a date and by the end of the date, you're like not into it. For the love of Jesus and the love of her, do not say to her just to feel awkward silence at the end of the day. Something like, I had a great time, looking forward to do it again. I'll call you. Don't lie to her. Your job is to protect her heart, just like you would expect somebody to do for you. Okay? Now, ladies, let me just say, I just want to gently pastor you to our young single ladies. Just watching online and talking to some people in our church in the lobby. Let me just say, you need to have realistic expectations. Realistic expectations. Some of you guys, like, for real, your list is ridiculous. Of expectations. God could walk up to you with, like, the spirit of Elijah in the body of Samson, you'd be like, oh, I don't know, he's not 6 4. Like, can I just, like, let me just point this out. In Song of Solomon, notice who this song is about. It's a king that falls in love with a peasant country girl with a farmer's stand. If he had made his list early, I doubt that was what would have been on the list. But he met her and he fell in love with her character, her beauty, her personality. Okay, so like, let's do that, ladies. Character is more important than cute, and attraction grows with connection. Okay, that's it. Now here's how the sermon's gonna end. I'm gonna take everything I just said. And both for married people and for single people, I want to show you the order that God wants us to build and strengthen our relationships in the Song of Solomon. So we need to build it in the right order. Okay, so here's the order that God wants us to build a relationship with in. If you're single, this is your order. If you're married, this is your strengthening order. Okay, number one, it needs to start. You're evaluating the person spiritually. New Testament, do not be unequally yoked with someone. So you're asking, is this person running towards Jesus? Do they value moral purity? Are they consecrated to the purposes of God? You're evaluating spirit. Are they a Jesus loving person? Actual Jesus loving person, you're evaluating spiritually. Now, once you look around, you see a greeter somewhere at your campus and you're like, ah, seems like it. Then the next phase is what you're doing here is you're moving to a social. It's a social relationship. Notice in Song of Solomon, she actually, I forgot to read the passage. We're preaching the Bible, so let me read the passage. She says this all night long on my bed I look for the one my heart loves. I looked for him but did not find him. So notice he's not in her bed. They're not doing married people things before they're married. Verse 2. I will get up now and go about the city through its streets and squares I will search for the one my heart loves. So I looked for him but. But did not find him. The watchman found me as they made their rounds in the city. Have you seen the one my heart loves? She's like, where is he? I just want to be around him right now. Scarcely had I passed them when I found the one my heart loves. I held him And I wouldn't let him go till I brought him into my. Now watch this. Till I had brought him to my mother's house. She's getting him. This person she's interested in. Around godly family members and other godly people. Important to the room of the one who conceived me. Verse 5. Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and does of the field. There it is. Do not arouse or awaken love till it so desires. So after spiritually, she immediately gets him around. Watch this. It's around her friends. Chapter one and two. They're all around their friends. That's why the friends hop in singing her little ditty and then they hop out. She's like getting her friend's eyes on him. Then she's getting mom and dad's eyes on him. She's got godly parents. I want my parents to see this person. Listen, here's why that's really important. I really need you to hear this. It's important that you have at least three older godly people that you can ask if the person you're dating is a good choice for you. Here's why. Because when emotion gets high, logic gets low. So this is what she's doing. She's like, okay, let me evaluate socially. Now after you look around and you're like, man, I like who this person seems to be, then it moves to a personal relationship. Let's spend some one on one time together. Appropriate times, appropriate ways. Let's go. Coffee. Now I'm learning about your heart, your soul, your dreams, what God has done in your life, you know, your calling. Then after personal, the more personal time you spend, it's gonna get emotional. Now this is the. I'm falling in love and I'm really into this person. And you know, so all this stuff is coalescing. The emotions are forming emotional bond. Now for a godly person, this is where marriage happens. This is the face right here is where marriage happens. Nothing else happens before marriage happens. This is where marriage happens. Then after marriage has happened, then you add the physical part. Okay? Does that make sense? Then you add the physical part. That's it. Now this is how God has designed the relationship to be built. Now here's the problem. In our culture, you are getting discipled to do the exact opposite. In our culture, a lot of times it starts with a physical. Swipe left, swipe right, hook up, shack up, breakup, we hooked up, starts physical. Then listen, do not lie to yourself. If you get involved sexually with somebody, it is 100% going to become emotional. Because sex is not just two bodies together. It's the mingling of souls. Do not lie to yourself. That's why. Check this out. Why do they say, well, they say, I caught feelings. That is always going to happen. So when this happens, the emotions are going to kick in. And then now you're all emotional about the person. You start going, well, I guess we ought to go on some dates. I mean, we're real emotionally into each other. I guess we ought to go on some dates and get to know each other a little bit. This feels awkward if we don't. So you start doing this. And then after you've done a bunch of one on one dates, at the very end of that, then you're like, well, I mean, I guess he needs to meet my friends and my parents. At the very end, I guess he needs to meet my friends and my parents. You know, that kind of thing. And then here, now watch this. This is the spot where it gets real fragile and people are like, huh? They start lying to themselves. I think it's a good relationship. It's good when it's good, you know, we both like pickleball. You know, whatever you do, it's like you're lying to yourself. Then at the very end, what people try to do is like, well, I guess we should get married. Where's a pastor? Can I find a pastor to do a wedding? And read me a Bible verse. And you add this at the end and watch. Because the foundation is the smallest part of the relationship. It's totally unstable. Real easy for it to fall. Now, listen, here's. Listen, listen, listen. If you are not married yet and you're moving towards it, listen to me. Hey, Lake Point Church, let's build it the right way. Let's build it the right way, okay? And some of you, listen, listen, listen, listen. Some of you, like, literally the whole reason you're at the Love Live series, we still got two more weeks, is because you're here and you're trying to add this. Listen, no judgment. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you, man. I'm proud of you. And listen, here's what you got to know, man. Here's what you got to know is my Bible tells me the Lord can restore the years. The locusts have eaten. He can do that in your life. We are not. Listen. We are not a bunch of good people trying to tell bad people how to be good. We are a bunch of forgiven nobodies trying to tell everybody about a. Somebody who can redeem anybody and anything. He can do that for you and he can do that in your marriage. Okay, that's it. Now this is a little bit. The service can end a little different. Hang with me. Stay tight for a second. Okay, here's my action step. If you are realizing that you need to grow this marriage or not marriage. This is not a marriage thing. This is just a general disciple thing. We are starting this week opening registration for something that we call Rooted. Rooted is a 10 week discipleship experience. It's like boot camp for Team Jesus is amazing. You get put with a small group of people and it's like there's daily readings, all the things. And we are installing the rhythms of discipleship in everybody, everywhere. And here's what I'm asking. If you are not actively involved in a life group, I'm asking you to register for Rooted this week. It's going to launch in two weeks. And be a part of this 10 week discipleship experience that we call Rooted. Gonna change your life. Now hang tight with me. Just stay with me for a couple more seconds. On your way in, you got this little guy with a QR code on it. Grab this guy. We're getting ready to use this in a second. And while you got this in your hand, I want you to see this video that explains a little bit of what Rooted is. Real quick, here we go. But if it only took 10 weeks to have a deeper relationship with Jesus, why wouldn't you do it? Rooted is a discipleship experience. It's really meant for anybody at any age or any spiritual maturity, regardless of how much you know or don't know. It also establishes practices like the daily devotionals, prayer and tithing, and serving. Getting into the spiritual disciplines on a daily basis to learn more about God and have support to be in a group of people really pursuing the Lord. The deeper you go, the more that you gain from it. To be able to navigate through some of the doubts and the questions together. I think that was impactful. Honestly, the coolest part was I looked back at the prayers and I could see answered prayers happening. The brokenness at the beginning of even just my prayers to God to the very end was really comforting to see. Rooted helped bring a depth to our relationships that really wasn't there before. I can tell a difference in our marriage from when we started Rooted versus after we finished it. I saw how it just changed his life and just how it affected our household in general. See, I walked into that first day of Rooted and I was still just kind of nervous. I didn't know anybody very. I was rather anxious, and I went in there and I just gave it my all. And now when we see each other in the lobby, it's not, should I say hi? Should I not? It's no, it's a big hug. Probably the first time I experienced really authentic Christian community. We all have our struggles, but that we can overcome them together. And it's hard to believe it happens in 10 weeks. After the 10 weeks was up, we were like, no, no, no, no. 10 weeks is not enough. I'm a better husband and a better dad, because what God's working in me through rooted. It got me rooted in the Word, got me rooted in this.