Episode 598: The Horrible Lives and Deaths of the Saints - The OGs

Summary

Episode Summary: "The Horrible Lives and Deaths of the Saints - The OGs"

Last Podcast on the Left delves into the gruesome and often fantastical lives and deaths of early Christian saints in Episode 598. Hosts Henry Zebrowski, Marcus Parks, and Ed Larson explore how martyrdom, miracles, and embellished legends played pivotal roles in shaping the early Christian church and its saints. This summary captures the essence of their discussions, highlighting key points, notable quotes, and insightful conclusions.

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1. Introduction to Early Saints and Martyrdom

The episode begins with the hosts setting the stage for a deep dive into the origins of sainthood before the establishment of the Holy Roman Empire. They emphasize the blend of magic, persecution, and martyrdom in early Christian narratives.

[05:02] Ed Larson: "The reason why we're talking about saints is precisely because of how they become saints. Their significance in Catholic, Orthodox, Anglican, and Lutheran churches comes from their acts of holiness, sacrifice, and martyrdom, AKA magic, torture, and getting murdered. Fun."

2. Persecution of Christians in the Roman Empire

The hosts discuss the historical context of early Christian persecution, particularly under Emperor Nero, who notoriously blamed Christians for the Great Fire of Rome in 64 AD. This scapegoating fueled widespread propaganda portraying Christians as sinister and immoral.

[16:00] Marcus Parks: "Rock and roll."

[16:02] Ed Larson: "It was rumored that Emperor Nero created the fire himself to rebuild his palace... Christians were convenient scapegoats."

3. The Role of Martyrdom in Christian Growth

Martyrdom served as both a testament to faith and a recruitment tool for early Christianity. The brutal deaths of Christians were often embellished to inspire faith and attract new converts.

[35:02] Marcus Parks: "He was beatified in October of 2020 after the Vatican officially recognized that he interceded from heaven."

[35:24] Henry Zebrowski: "That just means, yeah, that's fine. These are not real miracles."

4. Spotlight on Specific Saints

a. St. Lawrence (Died 258 AD)

St. Lawrence, the Archdeacon of Rome, is highlighted for his witty defiance in the face of persecution. When ordered to present the church's wealth, he theatrically presented the poor and marginalized as the true treasures of the church.

[40:09] Henry Zebrowski: "He's the patron saint of cooks and comedians because he made a joke when he was being roasted alive by the Romans."

[42:26] Henry Zebrowski: "It's called irony."

b. St. Christopher

Christopher's legend revolves around his immense size and strength, epitomized by his portrayal as a giant who carried the infant Jesus across a river. Interestingly, the hosts discuss how misinterpretations may have led to his depiction with a dog’s head.

[53:18] Henry Zebrowski: "He's Reprobus."

[49:18] Ed Larson: "He gave Reprobus the name Christopher, meaning 'bearing Christ.'"

c. St. Sebastian

Known as the patron saint against plagues, St. Sebastian became a gay icon due to his depiction as a handsome, often nude figure in Renaissance art. His martyrdom by arrows and subsequent miraculous survival bolstered his legendary status.

[55:46] Henry Zebrowski: "But his miracle was Taylor Swift's rise?"

[65:33] Henry Zebrowski: "But do they? Yeah."

d. St. Lucy

St. Lucy is invoked against eye diseases and other ailments. Her martyrdom involved horrific torture, including eye gouging, which later evolved into various legends emphasizing her miraculous endurance and divine protection.

[68:00] Marcus Parks: "So she's hideous, Is that what you mean?"

[68:54] Henry Zebrowski: "Lucy is brat."

e. St. Catherine of Alexandria

Catherine's story is one of high standards and miraculous interventions. Despite facing immense pressure to renounce her faith and marry a Roman official, her steadfastness led to her gruesome death and eventual veneration as a saint.

[73:00] Henry Zebrowski: "So you think that baby Jesus is gonna make sure your coochie gets fucking filled?"

[74:44] Henry Zebrowski: "So you think that baby Jesus is gonna make sure your coochie gets fucking filled?"

f. St. Barbara

As the patron saint of miners, firemen, and architects, St. Barbara's legend includes miraculous escapes from death and divine retribution against her persecutors. Her legacy persists in various cultural celebrations, particularly in mining communities.

[81:04] Henry Zebrowski: "Oh, yeah."

[84:11] Henry Zebrowski: "Oh, wow."

5. Canonization and the Embellishment of Saints' Legends

The hosts critique the process of canonization, arguing that it often involved exaggerating saints' miracles and martyrdom to create compelling narratives. This practice not only solidified saints' statuses but also commercialized their relics and stories.

[33:30] Henry Zebrowski: "Like the saints became the first version of like Bucky's. Yeah, like big old traffic stops that you'd go."

[91:16] Henry Zebrowski: "Always expand your universe."

6. Modern Perceptions and Cultural Impact

The discussion extends to how these ancient stories influence modern culture, from art and literature to contemporary religious practices. Saints like St. Sebastian remain icons in specific communities, symbolizing resilience and protection against suffering.

[66:22] Henry Zebrowski: "But do they? Yeah."

[74:12] Henry Zebrowski: "It's called fan service."

7. Conclusion: The Legacy of the OG Saints

The episode concludes by reflecting on how the martyrdom and legendary lives of early saints were instrumental in the spread and entrenchment of Christianity. The hosts highlight the blend of historical fact and myth-making that transformed these individuals into enduring symbols of faith and resilience.

[91:14] Marcus Parks: "We've learned nothing. We've learned nothing. We went through so much here today, and we're not better for it."

[91:18] Henry Zebrowski: "You need a patreon."

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• [05:02] Ed Larson: "The reason why we're talking about saints is precisely because of how they become saints. Their significance in Catholic, Orthodox, Anglican, and Lutheran churches comes from their acts of holiness, sacrifice, and martyrdom, AKA magic, torture, and getting murdered. Fun."

• [16:00] Marcus Parks: "Rock and roll."

• [35:02] Marcus Parks: "He was beatified in October of 2020 after the Vatican officially recognized that he interceded from heaven."

• [40:09] Henry Zebrowski: "He's the patron saint of cooks and comedians because he made a joke when he was being roasted alive by the Romans."

• [53:18] Henry Zebrowski: "He's Reprobus."

• [55:46] Henry Zebrowski: "But his miracle was Taylor Swift's rise?"

• [68:00] Marcus Parks: "So she's hideous, Is that what you mean?"

• [73:00] Henry Zebrowski: "So you think that baby Jesus is gonna make sure your coochie gets fucking filled?"

• [81:04] Henry Zebrowski: "Oh, yeah."

• [91:18] Henry Zebrowski: "You need a patreon."

---

Final Thoughts

Last Podcast on the Left offers a macabre yet insightful exploration into the origins of sainthood, emphasizing how early Christian martyrs' brutal deaths and miraculous stories were pivotal in establishing a resilient and widespread religious movement. The hosts' humorous and irreverent take provides a unique lens through which listeners can understand the dark underpinnings of religious lore.

Transcript

[Henry Zebrowski]

There's no place to escape to.

[Marcus Parks]

This is the last podcast on the left.

[Henry Zebrowski]

That's when the cannibalism started. What was that? Where are Mother Teresa's bones?

[Ed Larson]

Are you quizzing?

[Marcus Parks]

Where's your fucking ass?

[Henry Zebrowski]

I would know. I would feel the shards. Where are Mother Teresa's bones? I have a business opportunity. Listen, where are Mother Teresa's bones? I'm looking it up right now. According to how. She's in the Mother House, of course.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, this liar.

[Ed Larson]

The Mother House.

[Henry Zebrowski]

This black liar.

[Marcus Parks]

What was she in Calcutta?

[Henry Zebrowski]

She is in a. Where is it in Calcutta? I think it's next to Calcutta. Cleveland. And no, it was in. Yeah, Mother Teresa's tomb is in Kolkata. It is in Calcutta. Where. Because she had such good memories there.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah, absolutely. She's laughing. Laughing. When she was telling people they couldn't have their food.

[Henry Zebrowski]

No, she was like. One of her favorite things is being like, oh, look, it seems you have dropped your testicles. But I'm saying she got a little weight.

[Marcus Parks]

Are we.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Can I eat your nose? I eat your nose. Mother Teresa, if we smash up her bones and we piss all over her bones and we take that piss because of the magic of Catholicism, the piss becomes magical. Then we're making our own magic piss using the bones of Mother Teresa. And that's called money making money, because piss is cheap.

[Marcus Parks]

You can just get a priest to bless your piss.

[Henry Zebrowski]

No.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah.

[Ed Larson]

Why? It's gotta be filtered. They do this shit all the time. You gotta filter it through something else.

[Henry Zebrowski]

What they do is the one way they keep saints bones, this is true, they smash them up into little Dorito sized pieces and they put them in giant vase. And then people pour oil in the top that comes out the bottom so it runs all over the bones. And then magically the oil becomes magic because of the bones, the magic bones. And that's why when you piss in it too, that becomes magic piss. And God has to like, because God set up the fucking rules. Except it was man who did it.

[Ed Larson]

Hell yeah. Welcome to the last podcast on the left, ladies and gentlemen. Technically, this is a magic episode. My name is Marcus Parks.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Bring me Mother Teresa's bones. I want her skin, I want her organs, I want her face.

[Ed Larson]

I'm here with the entrepreneurial Henry Zabrowski.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Because that's all you need. That's the collateral.

[Marcus Parks]

I heard St. Francis of Assisi gave his bones to the dogs because he liked animals.

[Henry Zebrowski]

You know. Is it true? Is it true? Side stories help POTL at gmail dot com. And if you're emailing me, though, at the same time. Send me some other Teresa's books.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah.

[Ed Larson]

And we're here with the fun fact filled. Ed Larson.

[Marcus Parks]

That's right, man. St. Jerome. He loved playing with skulls. Yeah, he did.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Who's that?

[Marcus Parks]

St. Jerome.

[Henry Zebrowski]

The actual St. Jerome.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah, the actual St. Jerome.

[Ed Larson]

He's known for loving skulls.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah. Well, the p. Only picture I saw of him, he's holding the skull and looking at it like a tablet.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I think sometimes that was what TV was.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Just guess what the face used to look like.

[Marcus Parks]

Why won't you talk to me? One day I'll bury you, but not this.

[Henry Zebrowski]

This day. And this day, I turn you into a Pong. That's right.

[Marcus Parks]

Saints room.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Old Saint Jerry.

[Ed Larson]

Then I realize I'm the only Protestant bastard in this room. Both of y'all are Catholic.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I'm fully. I'm indoctrinated. I'm in the cult. I'm. I'm confirmed.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I can. You can't leave if you're confirmed.

[Ed Larson]

What's your confirmation name?

[Henry Zebrowski]

Xavier.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, Xavier.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I did it because of comic books.

[Ed Larson]

Cool.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

And I'm Saint Papo, they said, because I wanted to pick the dumbest name in the same.

[Henry Zebrowski]

You know, like, you truly were sort of almost like a brave figure in a way, because you were openly against God.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I hated it in Catholic school. Me, too. I used to call me little devil kid and used to do this at me.

[Ed Larson]

No.

[Marcus Parks]

I used to always tell them that it doesn't make any sense. And then when I left Catholic school, because I hated Catholic school, one day I told my parents that if they sent me back to Catholic school, I was going to fail on purpose.

[Henry Zebrowski]

So then I. Rudy Giuliani did.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah. Then I told my Jewish father. I was like, I want to go to free school. And then. Then I was able to go to that school. But then they sent me to CCD to finish out my learnings.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Sure.

[Ed Larson]

Ccd. That sounds like a juvie center.

[Henry Zebrowski]

CCD is the Sunday school, essentially, for Catholics.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah. Where you gotta go on Sunday or, like, after school to learn about Catholicism more. But the thing is, I went to Catholic school, so I knew more than the teachers did. And so I'm just sitting there playing on my ass. And every time, they're like, ed, oh, you seem to know a lot. And I'm like, ask me something.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Ask me something about Jesus Christ.

[Marcus Parks]

You know, I fucking got your ass, man.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Guess what? Jesus was Indian.

[Marcus Parks]

Was he? If he was anything, I don't think he was Indian.

[Henry Zebrowski]

He Was in there.

[Ed Larson]

I think India's a really long ways away from the Middle East.

[Henry Zebrowski]

He was Asian.

[Marcus Parks]

He was Israeli.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, I don't know. Now he's worm food.

[Ed Larson]

To put it simply, the reason why we're talking about saints is precisely because of how they become saints. Their significance in Catholic, Orthodox, Anglican and Lutheran churches come from their acts of holiness, sacrifice, and martyrdom, AKA magic, torture, and getting murdered. Fun.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. Honestly, it does sound like a fun, like, topic altogether, but only religion can make this boring.

[Ed Larson]

But because of the horrible fates of the saints, they're considered closer to God than the average Joe. And they have some of the worst deaths you can imagine that usually come as a result of religious persecution.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Well, especially if your main dude is the flayed savior. Boy, you were of course, then gonna view that as good.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, yeah, we're gonna get into that angle of it here in a bit.

[Marcus Parks]

What's weird is, like, if you're a good guy and you just help out everyone and then you die of cancer, no one gives a shit.

[Henry Zebrowski]

No one gives a shit.

[Marcus Parks]

You have to get your fucking guts turned into jump ropes in order for people to fucking give a fuck.

[Henry Zebrowski]

And I think that that's a thing that we should start talking about. I think that too many people get called survivors.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah, these priests just die of natural causes.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. They just get to go off and flanom. Mother Teresa should have been cut in four parts, like if we were really going to make her a saint because.

[Marcus Parks]

They cal cut her into four parts.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Thank you. Thank you. And that comes from the punishment center of the Vatican.

[Ed Larson]

Well, today we're going to start with the OG Saints, the ones who existed before the advent of the Holy Roman Empire. This was a time when Christianity was decidedly more magical. And Jesus, according to the stories, would pop down to earth from time to time to kind of sort of help out sometimes maybe.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Hey, you know, hey, what's going on, everybody? You blind? Hey, now you can see. See how ugly I am. Back to blind funny times, huh? Where you from?

[Marcus Parks]

Please do not give me marbles to hold.

[Henry Zebrowski]

No, it's how I slip through the hourglass.

[Ed Larson]

Well, in a way, the stories of the saints, they're sort of like DLC for the Bible. It's bonus content. Saints build on the original concepts of God, Satan, demons, and angels intervening in the lives of everyday people. Except with saints, it's done through light, lightning strikes, or miraculous healings, and they involve a whole new cast of characters and a whole different kind of story.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, it's like a Different Stroke. You remember different stroke when they go into college. Different world.

[Marcus Parks]

Different world.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Different shirts. Was scary what you're talking about.

[Ed Larson]

I thought you meant there was like a spin off of Different Strokes called Different Strokes.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Just the Father. The father of that. Having a stroke and trying to figure out how to jerk off again. God, I love the old television. They don't make shows like this anymore.

[Ed Larson]

But the upside to being a saint is that according to some, you're allowed to skip the line and get directly into heaven instead of waiting for the Day of Judgment like everyone else. Or at least that's how it worked way back when.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Ancient Christianity has almost nothing to do with modern Christianity. Like what it all turned into from the old, old, old days, like right after Jesus, quote unquote, died. Like, this is like it really was much closer to the ancient pagan, like actual magical process. Thought like, it took a long time. They had to make it white, you know what I mean? Like, they had to take it out and they had to strip all the fun out of it in order to convince you, the parishioner, that you had no power and that you had to speak to the priest. That is the only person that could gatekeep God. Right. And that took a long time.

[Marcus Parks]

Scientologists of the day.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yes.

[Ed Larson]

No. Yeah, yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

Because everyone's like, what the fuck are you talking about? No, it's 20 guys. You're fucking idiot.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, well, today canonization is a whole different deal. But we're gonna cover the more modern saints and how they come to be a part of the lore in a future episode. This is pre Constantinople, pre Constantinopalyon, and.

[Marcus Parks]

You'Ll have to wait for saints of the future.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I am Saint 45794. I am in charge of our plastic ang. Oh, cut off her breasts. Really fun stuff. This is a funny sketch. Just a room of malfunctioning robot saints is a really fun idea.

[Ed Larson]

But the thing about the saints is that they make Christianity a little stickier because not only can you pray to God, God for the big stuff, big.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Arch, big umbrella stuff.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. You can also choose a personal mascot for your faith who can protect you from illnesses and situation while also assisting you in your profession.

[Henry Zebrowski]

They are middle managers for the Godhead, who is supposed to literally be the most powerful creative force on the face of the planet, but what this shows you is that sometimes God doesn't care and that he needs to pass you off to his other guy. You know what I mean? Like, oh, you want to do well in your roller skating competition? Talk to Saint Rollicfer. He's the guy that sana wheels, all right. I gotta do shit like make volcanoes that kill deer that no one can see.

[Ed Larson]

While saints don't perform miracles per se, only God or Jesus are supposed to be able to do that. They can intercede on God's behalf. For example, if you're a sailor out at sea during a storm, you can pray to Saints Nicholas, Christopher or Elmo and one of them might tell you to take a right instead of a left while the ship is getting tossed. And suddenly that rolling barrel that might have knocked you overboard, it misses your path. Maybe, maybe. Similarly, if you're having problems with something in particular, like say you got a problem with your feet, you can invoke Saint Servatius.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yes. And he shows up. I'm a suck on your toes.

[Marcus Parks]

Oh, yes. This little piggy went straight down my throat.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I love the New York Jess.

[Ed Larson]

He's the patron saint of foot ailments.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, good.

[Ed Larson]

So he might help you out with your foot problems or at least he could give you some comfort.

[Henry Zebrowski]

It's like the guy that got caught for sucking all the toes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, no, the guy in Big Bear that was like breaking into people's homes and sucking on their toes while they were asleep. Oh, real saint like behavior. You see, this is what is interesting about the function of the saint is that it comes out of the very, very OG way of practicing Christianity. So for a while, like when it first started, I was watching, I watched a good documentary on it and they watched the Christian church would. They'd have some formal churches and temples, but that's not really the main way because they were. The way the religion developed is that actually they had developed in secret. And part of the way it developed is that the. The worship services would largely be in crypts. They would go underground, they would go into tombs. And also most of the time the way these functions did is that there was a loose group of believers and there was a guy that would be the interceding for you and God. They believed this, this guy was that he was holier than all the rest of us for some reason, probably because he dick didn't work. And then what he did was like say they would pray to him while he was alive and then what would happen is that he would die and then that person would be. Then their bones would be put in the crypt where they're working. One thing they notice is a very early Christian establishments is that when you went into a crypt, there would be benches and you'd have bones all along, all around them, and you'd see written words written on the walls to the bones as intercedence for them to talk directly to God. Because again, God's Bazini doesn't give a about you, so he need. You need an agent. You have to. You're supposed to have an. This is what we believe in Catholicism.

[Ed Larson]

Representative.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Representative. So when that guy would die, that's where all this started. Where this guy, a person that. And then it would eventually become like, what if that guy was like a super popular version of that? The guy that would die and then when he was dead would then become the direct way to talk to God. And this was also based off of the hero cults of the Greek and Roman myths, like things like Hercules. Those are based off real people. Like those stories are all based off real actual heroes of the time that then people would use as an intermediary. And largely this kind of just comes from the fact that we as humans love polytheistic religions. And this is a way to cheat that inside of it.

[Ed Larson]

And we also love novelty. You know, we love something new, we love a new story, and we love having variety.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah, merch.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

Grocery beads. You got.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, dude, it's merch out the eon. And it's necromancy. Yeah, this whole thing is necromancy because it's about talking, which is the reason why nobody else liked the Catholics, because we had this little function where everybody else had like essentially they could talk directly to God. God wasn't busy enough for them.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah. And also cannibalism.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

Because you eat Jesus and drink his blood.

[Henry Zebrowski]

That's called. That's later.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, yeah, we'll get to that here in a bit. Well, saints also serve as examples because the whole point of a saint is that they were persecuted for being Christians, but never wavered in their faith. Today, though, saints are more used as models of endurance. A story to point to as to why you should still come to church and give them your money week after week, even though your life still fucking sucks.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Like St. Cal Ripken Jr.

[Marcus Parks]

I cooked them nachos once.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, yeah? How was he?

[Marcus Parks]

He was delightful. Well, I never met him, but, you know, the waitress said he was. And then they stole his mother.

[Ed Larson]

Well, the problem is that because of the continuation of these stories of oppression, because that's what saint stories are, especially these old ones. They're stories of Christians being oppressed. Many Christians today still have a massive persecution complex. They just can't fucking drop many or all and they really do need to drop that fucking persecution complex for all our sakes. Because the persecution we're going to be talking about today is 2000 years old.

[Henry Zebrowski]

It keeps coming.

[Ed Larson]

It doesn't keep coming. It ended a very long time ago.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Also, the persecution here is. You got to. They are using it as propaganda.

[Ed Larson]

Yes.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Within the church to say, don't you want to be a saint? The way you do that is to make sure you die extra gnarly for Jesus Christ. And it has to make that gnarly death like an advertisement, like we want you to do this. Like please, please be flipped over on a grill four or five times now.

[Ed Larson]

Amongst many other sources, kudos to co producer Madeline Shaw for gathering them. We also used a book called Saints Preserve Us by Sean Kelly and Rosemary Rogers and our quest towards today's hagiographies.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Saints Perverse.

[Ed Larson]

Saints Preserve Us now. It is believed that suspicion of Christians and their subsequent persecution began in 64 AD with the Great Fire of Rome which burned for six days before being reignited to burn for a further three.

[Marcus Parks]

Rock and roll.

[Ed Larson]

It was rumored that Emperor Nero created the fire himself to rebuild his palace and some of the more run down parts of Rome so he could increase taxation. It's basically engaging in an extreme form of gentrification.

[Henry Zebrowski]

But when we were in the British Museum, I was reading a thing about Nero like as we were sitting there. And it is interesting because largely the stories about Nero seem to have been because he was so popular and young and then eventually they blamed a lot of stuff on him after the fact. Oh, okay. Yeah.

[Ed Larson]

But no matter what the real story is, Nero still needed someone to blame for the fire that had swallowed much of Rome. And Christians were convenient scapegoats. See, before this, people didn't really give a shit about Christians one way or another because they had no bearing on how people live their daily lives. But because they were seen as having such bizarre beliefs, what with their one God that was also a man, but also a ghost. They were easy to otherize in a society that worshipped thousands of gods because.

[Henry Zebrowski]

The older religions, God is a lot more nebulous. And what the Christian religion did was essentially, I feel like maybe obviously speaking entirely out of school, but it really seems that they like the concept of he started. That God started as a dude. He started as a dude. It shows you. It shows you what you can do in this life. If you're just meek enough, if you're just humble enough, you two become the ever loving Lord of all existence.

[Marcus Parks]

And it never made Any sense to me. Because it's like, is he God of just Earth, you know, or.

[Henry Zebrowski]

No, no, no.

[Marcus Parks]

He's the God also in charge of the moon.

[Ed Larson]

Is in charge of the entire universe. Yeah, the entire universe. Yeah. The heavens. Yeah. The heavens are also like. Heaven and the heavens are two different things.

[Henry Zebrowski]

But then some people say heaven technically was a planet and a place that was considered for a long time.

[Marcus Parks]

So Jesus is Earth's delegate.

[Ed Larson]

As far as we know.

[Henry Zebrowski]

You're talking like, this is gem talk. This is the. We're. We're in. We're in a cult store talk. Like, this is. With. It starts at 2. You're slowly going to be covered in turquoise. Any. I don't. You. You're not allowed to go to Sedona with this line of dickhead. All right? I can't allow you to go because you're going to come back. Like, you're going to not wear pants anymore.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. And you're going to be talking about the Pleiadians, and I can't deal with that.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I know you're this far. I know that. It's funny you think it's me, but I think that you're the closest to start showing up in a tunic.

[Marcus Parks]

I mean, what if. What if the aliens come and one of them's wearing a cross?

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, we're. I'm. I'm. Well, because they. I feel like they would. I feel like they would do it much like what we were talking before the show. That's like a punk thing.

[Ed Larson]

Well, to redirect the anger about a fire that destroyed nearly three quarters of Rome, Nero ordered that roughly 900 Christians be punished for starting the fire and keeping it going. Some were crucified, but quite a few were torn apart by wild dogs.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Cool.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah, they like that over there.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, they really.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Crucify him. I just want to be able to say that once.

[Ed Larson]

Say what?

[Henry Zebrowski]

Crucify him.

[Marcus Parks]

You can say it whenever you want.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I do a lot, but, you know, I mostly do it. I do in the car. I do at the dentist.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah, well, that's how you should put Wendy.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Crucify her. Yeah, make her carry.

[Marcus Parks]

Are you sure we can't just give her the shot?

[Henry Zebrowski]

No, no. She will serve as an example. Open the keys to dog heaven.

[Ed Larson]

Well, as far as the motivation for starting the fires went, it was said that Christians hated Rome and therefore hated all of humanity because of their worship of this one God, who was nowhere to be found in the Roman pantheon. See to Romans, church, state, and private life were all intertwined Meaning that the fortune and strength of not only your day to day existence, but the empire itself depended on which God was mad at you that day.

[Henry Zebrowski]

They've been kicking it down to the fucking single person for this whole time, dog.

[Ed Larson]

So if you went against this notion by worshiping one God, and if your religion had rules saying that all other gods were just different heads of your religion's bad guy in disguise, then that meant that you could fuck things up. Up for everyone. And so the Romans began spreading rumors about Christians saying that they only met at night so they could eat the flesh of innocent Romans.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yes, yes.

[Ed Larson]

And engage in incest most foul.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yes. Your sister, your brother. Yeah. Do it for Christ.

[Ed Larson]

Well, basically they took the concepts of the Eucharist and the Christian practice of calling each other brother and sister and they made them literal.

[Henry Zebrowski]

They really did. They did the. They did the thing thing where it's like, it's a smear tactic. They would just say every single time they would do these sort of activities saying, call, calling each other brother and sister, talking about like the.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, you call yourself brother. You just your brother.

[Henry Zebrowski]

You, your brother. Oh, that you, dude, you suck your brother's dick. Even though technically I don't think that they even. Well, dick sucking was around.

[Marcus Parks]

But they love dick sucking.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I know.

[Marcus Parks]

God. I don't think that's an issue.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I actually feel like, weirdly, I think it was the opposite where it was just like you had all these pains in the asses, Christians showing up and they weren't suck. And in Rome everybody was already sucking dick and fucking and they didn't even have. I feel like they didn't have concepts for like sexual identities in Rome. Like, it was all just all over the place where it's just like they did it. They stunk it up.

[Marcus Parks]

I remember we had the concept of a sketch that we never wrote that was called Jeffrey Dahmer, time traveling police officer.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

And then he goes to Rome and he's like, this is great.

[Henry Zebrowski]

This is where I belong. Yeah, I remember that. What? Being gay isn't a thing. Murder is legal.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, the cutting room floor of the Murder Fist writer's room.

[Henry Zebrowski]

So many brilliant ideas slipped through our fingers. Why aren't on. Why aren't we on Jimmy Kimmel?

[Ed Larson]

Well, Christians were also blamed for environmental disasters like plague, drought or earthquakes because their worship of one weird God was making the Roman gods really angry.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I'm starting to actually think this is. They're correct. I'm starting to think that we gotta go back, we gotta start talking to fucking Odin again.

[Marcus Parks]

Well, the Roman gods were imposters. They were all fucking take. They were. The Greek gods changed their names.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. And all the Greek gods were just, like, guys that walked around and they gave them funny names.

[Marcus Parks]

That was the problem.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. Bad economy.

[Marcus Parks]

Kicked out of the eu.

[Henry Zebrowski]

It's been bad there. It's been bad in Athens.

[Ed Larson]

No. Yes. Christians were killed in absolutely horrendous ways. They really were ripped to shreds in Roman amphitheaters by wild animals for the amusement of the public. And they really were tortured most terribly and burned alive en masse.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Was like in the coliseum in the front row. People used to get pulled in all the time, too. Really? Yeah. It's like the front row was apparently nuts, I imagine. Yeah, it sounded fun in a way.

[Marcus Parks]

Navy battles with crocodiles.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, it was crazy. Remember when we saw it?

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah.

[Henry Zebrowski]

How, like, they have that whole, like, underground section of theatrical stuff that would, like, lift. Man, it must have been awesome.

[Marcus Parks]

It was very cool. Yeah. Built in the year 72. I mean, believe so.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Good memory, Eddie. What the fuck, Eddie? You smoke way too much weed.

[Marcus Parks]

No, just random shit gets put in there. It's literally sitting on a weed nug.

[Henry Zebrowski]

That one thought. 72 AD. Remember me yet?

[Ed Larson]

But sometime in the second century, stories began to appear of Christians being given magical powers through direct intervention by God himself, or failing God, Jesus. Now, obviously, this was propaganda designed to keep people in the faith because Christians could always believe that there was a chance that they could be one of the Christians whom God arbitrarily decided to bless personally. And the more Christian you were, the more likely it seemed that you would receive God's favor.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Isn't it weird, like, not to get too MSNBC about this, but, like, it is interesting is that you see that statement and then you realize, oh, the Christians still, people think that. They just think it about billionaires. They legitimately are like, it's the same thought process.

[Ed Larson]

If I pay fealty to him enough.

[Henry Zebrowski]

If I just am good enough, Elon himself will pick me. Like, Elon's gonna allow me to hang out and make the. He might.

[Ed Larson]

And I will go to. And I will go to heaven. Which is, you know, a Tesla. Yeah, Tesla.

[Henry Zebrowski]

It's a Tesla burning in the bottom of a canyon.

[Ed Larson]

But it obviously worked out quite well for the Christians in the end, and it instilled a sort of stubbornness in the religion that persists to this day.

[Henry Zebrowski]

That's what Christians are, stubborn.

[Ed Larson]

Really fucking stubborn. It would not have worked, however, if the stories hadn't been good. And since humans love a good bloody story, I don't think they would have worked half as well had they not been as incredibly violent as they are.

[Henry Zebrowski]

One scholar said that specifically the stories were exaggerated. Yeah, like, it. It was to stoke a reaction. So, yeah, I mean, we all want to have to have their hands cut off and their tits cut off and their faces cut off. We like that. We all like that as a group.

[Marcus Parks]

Also, it was told to each other like it was tossed. Like we're, you know, person to person.

[Henry Zebrowski]

And did you hear the ultra cut a tits off? Oh, great. Thanks, Brad.

[Ed Larson]

Wow.

[Marcus Parks]

From your grave, man. Your kidneys ain't what they used to be. I'll tell that much. I remember being in college, me and a couple buddies, we would scrape our money together and buy a keg. Like seven of us. And then we drink. And then next day, you know what we do? We'd wake up and we go to class and we all graduated. Except for me. I don't think I graduated, but the rest of them graduated now that I'm older and me and a couple buddies chip in and buy a keg. Let's face it, I can't even pet my dog. But ZBiotics pre alcohol probiotic drink is the world's first genetically engineered probiotic to help you. You take it before you start drinking. You take it and then you go buy the keg. And then you're doing keg sand. You know what you're gonna do the next day? Anything you want. Cause you add your zbiotics pre alcohol probiotic drink. Remember, you drink it before you drink. Does that make sense? You know it does.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Ah.

[Marcus Parks]

And you know what? With their GMO technology, ZBiotics is continuing to invent Probiotics that will help with everyday challenges of modern living. Go to ZBiotics.com last to learn more and get 15% off your first order. When you use the code last to check out, ZBiotics is backed with 100% money back guarantee. Remember to head to ZBiotics.com last and use the code last to check out for 15% off. And I know this goes against everything I said earlier, but please drink responsibly.

[Henry Zebrowski]

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[Ed Larson]

Now, one of the earliest saint stories involves an enslaved woman named Blandina who lived in what is now the city of Lyon in France. So maybe it was Blandinam.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, yeah. I thought I was Blandina. Blandina, you get back in here. Blandina, get off the hog.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

Where are you from, lion in France?

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, I bet.

[Marcus Parks]

Stupid lie.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Well, I'm from truth America.

[Ed Larson]

See, this is during the reign of Marcus Aurelius, who had decreed that while Roman citizens who were Christian, they would be quickly beheaded upon discovering their faith. Non citizens, like slaves, they needed to be tortured first. So once Blandina was outed as a Christian, she was brought to the amphitheater of the three Gauls to be publicly tortured and killed. I love that name. Bring her to the amphitheater of the three Gauls.

[Henry Zebrowski]

You got it, boss. Bland, Dina's on the menu. Come on, y'all. Woo, woo, woo. Woo.

[Marcus Parks]

Now, be careful. Them galls, they'll steal your fries if you're not paying attention.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, that's the biggest crime that happens at one of these activities.

[Ed Larson]

Well, in the arena, she was bound to the stake. And the Romans released wild animals, most likely lions or bears or dogs or what have you. And most of the imagery that you see of Blandina, it's lions. But the animals simply circle Blandina and did nothing. So she was thrown back in jail, much to the chagrin of the audience.

[Marcus Parks]

She tasted like.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, yeah, that's the problem. They did one lick sometimes. Maybe the periods ran them away.

[Ed Larson]

Maybe the periods random away.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Maybe she was bleeding.

[Marcus Parks]

Maybe the imperials done ran them away.

[Henry Zebrowski]

You know what? That's some good math, Cesareus.

[Ed Larson]

Sounds like something would come out of the mouth of the inbred. Family in the town where I grew up.

[Henry Zebrowski]

You didn't think that maybe the period scared them? You didn't know they don't. They like freaks me. Blandina.

[Ed Larson]

Well, a few days later.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Bl. Take him. Jellies. Blandina. You got jellies today.

[Ed Larson]

A few days later, Blandina was brought back to the arena where she was whipped, placed on a red hot grate and enclosed in a net before being thrown to the mercy of an. An enraged bull that finally killed her. But since she.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Now that's how you kill a Blandina. Good work, everybody. Good work.

[Ed Larson]

But since she had prayed to God during her first round in the arena and he'd saved her at least once, once she became Saint Blandina, you know.

[Henry Zebrowski]

He should save you all the way.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. No, he never does.

[Henry Zebrowski]

No, he really doesn't.

[Ed Larson]

That's the whole point.

[Marcus Parks]

That's why they didn't eat her. Because she was bland. They put a little pepper on her, a little salt, garlic.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. Call me again when she's cumin. Dina, you know what I mean?

[Ed Larson]

Oh man.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Pepper.

[Ed Larson]

Dina.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Pepper.

[Ed Larson]

Pepper.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Dina, you get over here. That's your spicy sister Mexico.

[Ed Larson]

Now it makes total sense that martyrdom became a central feature of early Christianity because after all, the whole point of Jesus coming to earth was so he could be killed for the sins of humanity.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Not if you asked Jesus early on, he'd be like, maybe we could think about me just sort of doing this symbolically, huh?

[Ed Larson]

But while there were absolutely people who went to their deaths defiantly clinging to their Christian faith, people like Blandina, you're not gonna have much stickiness if it's the same story over and over again. So the lives and deaths of martyrs came to be greatly embellished with mag. Like Christians embellish the history of Jesus with magic. And that's if there really was a guy 2000 years ago who was simply walking around telling people to be nice to each other. That's cool and everything, but it's a better story if he's a wizard.

[Henry Zebrowski]

They actually are pretty certain that he was. I doubt did some research and I'm not. You know, I've had so many people call me an edge Lord. 14 year old for saying that Jesus didn't exist. But there is yet still actual proof that he existed. But there is a. You know, there's. There's some talk around it, but it seems like mostly you will was they were really confused about his ability to rile people up.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zebrowski]

And he was definitely a human man with like a wife and like Had a. If that was all real like then that's what he was, just some guy. He was a rabbi.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah. That's why Pontius Pilate famously came out and said, hey, who wants to kill a loudmouth?

[Henry Zebrowski]

Hey, me. I want to do stupid name though. Pontius.

[Ed Larson]

Oh man, aren't you glady? We don't got stupid names like Pontius no more.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Not like me. My name's Carl oak. And me Mr. Ding Dongs. Jerry Ding Dongs. Ready to pay us to Christ.

[Ed Larson]

Now, just as there were magical relics stemming from Jesus, like the Shroud of Turin.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Fake.

[Ed Larson]

Pieces of the true cross.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Fake.

[Ed Larson]

And the Spear of Destiny.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Fake.

[Ed Larson]

The bones, ashes and bloodstained clothing of saints have become magical objects too. And they're very real.

[Henry Zebrowski]

And those are real.

[Ed Larson]

These were venerated in churches first in secret, then as tourist attractions for converts. Come see the bones of the boy Saint Sicianus and toss a ducket into the plate on your way out.

[Henry Zebrowski]

They talked about it's true. It also fed the, you know, the merchant world. Like they would have these though. They first would start as like a secret worship place, then it would become a public worship place where people would come and then they start selling like one of the most found artifacts of the day is these things that are little flasks right. That people would collect the saint oil with and they would point the like exactly what I said. They would have thing called like a rectory, I think it was called. I forgot what it was called. Where they put the. The things in. It was like the veneration directory.

[Ed Larson]

Sounds right.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Like. And they would collect it but then they'd start selling the little flask and then eventually a whole market would. Would devolve right there and they literally the saints became the first version of like Bucky's. Yeah, like big old traffic stops that you'd go. Big rest stops that you'd go and buy at.

[Marcus Parks]

Maybe that's what you need to do to get Mother Teresa's bones. Put some money on the table.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh yeah, no, I don't think you.

[Marcus Parks]

Can afford Mother Teresa, but we probably get you some other little guy.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Honestly, I just need one and he's need one bone. Yeah, the reason why I want Mother Teresa just cuz she's the most recent and it's all I.

[Marcus Parks]

She's not the most recent saint.

[Henry Zebrowski]

She is.

[Marcus Parks]

There was that kid who just became a saint recently again.

[Henry Zebrowski]

But they're all lies, dude.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah, but there was a. There was like a 17 year old kid who just died and became a saint.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I just feel like in the end, I want to see a miracle on camera. If we're doing this now.

[Marcus Parks]

Well, you don't have to have a miracle.

[Henry Zebrowski]

You have to have a miracle to be attached to you. With Mother Teresa, what they did was after the fact, after she died is that some guy was like, I couldn't see before. And then I prayed to Mother Teresa's ghost. Now I can see. And they're like, duh, son, because she did a good. She did work or whatever.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, my God. The latest saint. Here's a kid. His name is Carlo Acutis.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

About.

[Ed Larson]

He's referred to as God's influencer and the patron saint of the Internet.

[Marcus Parks]

Yep.

[Henry Zebrowski]

What was his miracle?

[Ed Larson]

He was a computer whiz.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Was his miracle Taylor Swift's rise?

[Ed Larson]

He's the first millennial saint.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah.

[Henry Zebrowski]

What was his miracle?

[Marcus Parks]

I don't think he had one.

[Henry Zebrowski]

You have to have a miracle to be a saint.

[Marcus Parks]

I don't think you do.

[Henry Zebrowski]

You do. I looked it up. No, you have to have a miracle attributed to you.

[Marcus Parks]

St. Edward bought his way in.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Exactly. That was the miracle power of money.

[Ed Larson]

He was beatified in October of 2020 after the Vatican officially recognized that he interceded from heaven in 2013 to save the life of a Brazilian child who was suffering from a rare pancreatic condition.

[Henry Zebrowski]

That was science.

[Ed Larson]

Second mirror.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Doctor did it.

[Ed Larson]

Second miracle. A girl from Costa Rica suffered a serious head trauma after falling off a bike in Florence, Italy, but recovered after the odds after her mother prayed at Acutus's tomb in Assisi.

[Henry Zebrowski]

It just means, yeah, that's fine. These are not real miracles.

[Marcus Parks]

He was a sissy, huh?

[Henry Zebrowski]

He didn't fight.

[Ed Larson]

But in the same vein of, you know, like, martyrdom, the heroic displays helped convert people. Because if you're watching a person get ripped apart by wild dogs while basically singing a amazing Grace, you're going to be impressed on some level, no matter who the fuck you are.

[Marcus Parks]

Oh, yeah?

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah.

[Ed Larson]

Now, being a Christian in Roman society meant that you were basically cut off from everyone and everything else it met. The true definition of a cult demanded you live a separate life from the rest of humanity at all times. See, every house, marketplace, street, and tavern was filled with pagan idols, signs of Satan in public events like festivals, sports, and theatrical performances. These were always associated with the gods, which more Satan. You also couldn't serve in the military or public office because all that was tied up in the gods as well. You also couldn't be in any sort of, like, cultural profession because that was Also tied up in all the gods. And you might be asking yourself, how do the Jews fit in all this?

[Henry Zebrowski]

Where's the Jews? Hey, Blandina, where's Jews at? Pre Christians.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, because after all, I mean, they were around for thousands of years before the Christians even thought about this shit.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Jesus was a Jewish man.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, yeah. But basically, it seems like Jewish people were grandfathered in because they just always sort of been around and they weren't all weird and pushy about their faith like the Christians were. So. Yeah, yeah. So that was basically it.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Like they were part of the fabric of society.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, basically, like, oh, yeah, we're cool with them, they're cool with us. They don't bother us, we don't bother them. Everything's cool.

[Henry Zebrowski]

But then eventually would become, you know, they always were then persecuted in certain ways, of course.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah, for sure. But they also, they're weren't trying to push their religion on anybody.

[Henry Zebrowski]

No, they specifically don't have an evangelical arm.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah.

[Ed Larson]

Now, the Romans started cooling it on the persecution of the Christians after the reign of Emperor Decius in the mid third century, who came up with a sort of compromise. He decreed that all citizens of the Roman Empire, except the Jewish ones, had to present themselves before the local magistrate and perform a sacrifice for the gods. After killing an animal in front of a local official, that magistrate would give you a certificate of complaint, compliance.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh.

[Ed Larson]

Now, some Christians did perform the sacrifice just to get the paper.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, get it done.

[Ed Larson]

But most of them just faked the paperwork and that was deemed good enough, at least for a little while.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, that's good. Honestly, I like the. I like old school red tape.

[Ed Larson]

And as a result, Christianity grew from an estimated 1 million followers to 6 million over the next 50 years. And by 300 AD, churches were prominent in major cities across the Empire. Now, there was one final push during what was known as the Diocletian persecution. But Emperor Constantine the Great brought that to an end when he famously converted to Christianity and issued the Edict of Milan, which gave all Romans religious freedom.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, nice guy.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Is he really Constantine the Great?

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, that's what they call him.

[Henry Zebrowski]

But I mean, in terms of how great was he?

[Marcus Parks]

Well, you don't know, man.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, we. We absolutely know. We have a very good idea.

[Marcus Parks]

So why is he great?

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, because he made Christianity legal.

[Henry Zebrowski]

He doesn't know. He doesn't fucking know.

[Ed Larson]

Holy Roman Empire.

[Henry Zebrowski]

All that stuff make Constantine great, I think. Yep.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, I think.

[Henry Zebrowski]

But I like putting him on the spot, really. Grinding to a halt.

[Ed Larson]

But during the time in between after Romans decided Christians were a good scapegoat but before Constantine made it safe to be a Christian for literally 1700 years. Now, a lot of Christians did die horrible deaths as a result of Roman policies. A select few, however, were remembered, and their stories were rewritten to include even more magical properties than those written about in the New Testament. All to create the entities we now know as the saints.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Whoa. Constantine named Constantinople.

[Ed Larson]

You didn't know that he built it. Yes.

[Marcus Parks]

That's an easy guess.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, that's why it's called Constantinople. Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople. Constantinople should be waiting in Istanbul. Even old New York was once New Amsterdam. Why they changed it, I can't say. People just liked it better that way.

[Marcus Parks]

Amazing.

[Ed Larson]

Love that song. God, I love that song. Now, our first saint today. Yeah, they got me back. Now, our first Saint today is St. Lawrence. Died 258 AD.

[Marcus Parks]

Larry, please.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, and Lawrence was my father. And he got burned to the stake by his ass.

[Marcus Parks]

Leisure suit. Lawrence.

[Ed Larson]

He's the patron saint of cooks and comedians because he made a joke when he was being roasted alive by the Romans. Now, when Lawrence was a young man, he was friends with the Future Pope Sixtus II. When Sixtus was crowned pope in 257, he named his buddy Lawrence the Archdeacon of Rome, the treasurer of the Church, and the king keeper of the library of sacred books.

[Henry Zebrowski]

You know, you could ask somebody better, because I'm the kind of person I look to write. You know, I like to write new material every day. I try to make sure that every time I go and they do a different bit, everybody's. They're super entertained by what I do. All right, that's me, Larry.

[Marcus Parks]

I would have assumed the patron saint of comedians would have been Jewish.

[Henry Zebrowski]

That same year for Christian comics, this is Jim Gaffigan saying. Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, no.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. This is the saint of Hot Pockets material.

[Ed Larson]

That same year, though, the Roman emperor Valerian told the Christian clergy to perform sacrifices to the Roman gods or face banishment. The year after that, he ordered the execution of all Christian leaders in the city and decreed that anyone else who didn't worship the Roman gods would be reduced to slavery.

[Henry Zebrowski]

But I don't know if I'm the kind of guy you want me to be a slave. I'm not gonna work very hard. Look at my hands. Very soft, right? Me, I sweat. It's hard for me. I don't like being outside. I like to be inside. I need air conditioning. I need Nice little. Nice little bench. Need a bunch of grapes. You Know what I mean? Like, would come down to anything. You don't really want me to be in there. Be some guy's life.

[Ed Larson]

Saint Gleason by Jackie Mason.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I don't know why I started doing Jackie Mason the other day, alone in my house.

[Marcus Parks]

Because he's hilarious.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, it's great.

[Ed Larson]

Now, Pope 6 is the second was captured and executed quickly. But before he died, he told Lawrence to collect the Church's wealth and distribute it amongst the. Overhearing this request, Roman officials told Lawrence that he had three days to round up the Church's treasure and present it to the local prefect. And so Lawrence assembled a thousand orphans, widows, virgins, lepers, and people with all manner of disabilities to the prefect's palace. And when he was ordered to present the treasures, he pointed to his poor, sick, huddled masses and said that they were the Church's greatest treasures.

[Henry Zebrowski]

It's called irony. It's kind of fun, right? In a way, I did this it's kind of fun thing. Look at this, right? Oh. I said it's treasures because these people are all frowning, right? Everybody here, they suck, right? Everybody here, they're sick, and no one wants to be around them, right? That's why I brought them. Huh?

[Marcus Parks]

You see?

[Henry Zebrowski]

See what I'm doing? You ain't gonna laugh. We gonna laugh about it. I hate him.

[Ed Larson]

The Romans, predictably, were not amused.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh.

[Ed Larson]

For his disobedience, Lawrence was scourged, branded, clubbed, stretched over the rack, and torn with hooks.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Ow.

[Ed Larson]

The most famous torture, however, came when Lawrence was cooked.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Come on, let's think about this. I was thinking about this. I think we've already done enough.

[Ed Larson]

His buddy was placed on a gridiron, which was a new technology for the time.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, whoa. This is new. Whoa. Wow. This guy. Nice. Got that new gridiron smell. Absolutely love it.

[Ed Larson]

And after he was roasted for a bit, he allegedly said, quote, turn me over.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I'm well done on this side.

[Ed Larson]

And that's why he's the patron saying the comedians.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Come on. I saw your life. I saw you smile. The first roast. I wish it was like this.

[Ed Larson]

He supposedly survived and was able to baptize several other fellow prisoners before dying in jail.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Turns out they didn't want me well done. They made me medium rare. Come on, everybody. Come on. There's no reason. There's no reason to be upset. You seem to be frowning at me because my face is a sea of scars.

[Marcus Parks]

Someone throw some water on Charlie.

[Ed Larson]

Our next saint, however, was not a simple archivist like Lawrence. Instead, he was a wolf Warrior. Although he did seem to be somewhat slow witted, or at the very least, easily influenced. His name was St Christopher and he represents travelers, ferry boatmen and bachelors.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Okay.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah, all the women in my family have St. Christopher statues or like medals in their car to protect them when they're traveling.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Dude, he's the hot one. Yeah.

[Ed Larson]

Often Christopher is invoked against nightmares, peril from water, and suddenly death. But before he was baptized as Christopher, he had one of the worst names I've ever heard. Before he was Christopher, he was named Reprobus.

[Marcus Parks]

Oh, God damn.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, he's Reprimand. Reprobus.

[Marcus Parks]

Reprobus.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Reprobus.

[Marcus Parks]

Hi.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Hi. You know, hey, I'm a doctor. I work out five times a week and I have over $100,000. My 400. My name's so attractive. Yes. My name's Reprobus Johnson. Thank God. I also love to eat vomit. Yeah.

[Ed Larson]

Until he's baptized, he's Reprobus.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. Also, I'm not calling on Christopher to save me.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. Because he honestly acts a lot more like a Reprobus than a Christopher throughout his journey. Depending on the source, it's said that Reprobus was somewhere between 18 and 24ft tall. Of course, in a time when giants walked the earth.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Cool.

[Ed Larson]

This is around third century B.C. it was said that Reprobus served the king of Canaan until he became disillusioned and decided that he wanted to serve the greatest king in all the world. And so, after traveling for some time, he believed that he had found the greatest king. And so he pledged his service to him. That went all well and good until a minstrel appeared at court one day.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Let's not blame the comedians, okay. Or we did this once. This guy, it's like he's just a comedian.

[Marcus Parks]

You can't have an opinion these days.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, it was so hard to do comedy back then.

[Ed Larson]

The minstrel performed a song and sang a verse that referenced the devil. And when the devil was mentioned, Reprobus saw the king and made the sign of the cross. Reprobus, who was apparently quite brash, demanded that the king tell him what the sign of the cross meant and why he did it. The king said that when the name of the devil is uttered, he feared that the devil's power would overtake him. And thus he did the sign of the cross as a form of protection. This told Reprobus that this king was not the greatest in the land after all. So he left court to seek and serve the man the king feared, Satan himself.

[Marcus Parks]

Fuck.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. Yeah. Of course I seek Satan, I will find Satan and I will work for him.

[Marcus Parks]

I Reprobris. Sorry, my own name. Yes.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I'm sorry, I don't think I can hire Reprobus, but according to your resume, it seems to be going very well. I also hate the stupid cross thing that they do. It doesn't do anything.

[Marcus Parks]

Now your name is Reprobus. Have you thought about shoving things in people's asses?

[Henry Zebrowski]

To be honestly, I'm looking at your CV here and the first thing it says to me is that this guy loves to long distance peg.

[Ed Larson]

Well, eventually Reprobus came across a group of knights, one of whom was a cruel and horrible man. This cruel knight asked Reprobus why he was traveling. And Reprobus said, I'm out looking for the devil. What a coincidence. The knight said, I'm the devil.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Whoa, the ultimate switcheroo, dude.

[Ed Larson]

And so Reprobus bound himself to Satan's service.

[Henry Zebrowski]

You just got yourself kissing a guy, man. That's what that is. He just got picked up, dude.

[Ed Larson]

You know, it's like if a woman asks you if you're a God, you say yes. You say yes. Yeah, I'm the devil. It could have been anyone.

[Henry Zebrowski]

The idea of. I always kind of like the idea of like running into a first date and pretending to be a time traveler and saying you gotta, because you gotta go back because the future's over and all the women are illegal and that's why it's good to fuck it. That's the way you do is you gotta come in with a character sometimes.

[Ed Larson]

But one day, as he and the Devil were traipsing around the desert, they came upon a cross. And the devil immediately panicked and ran away as sticks. And when asked why he had done this, the Devil said that a very powerful man named Jesus Christ had once hung on a cross. And whenever he comes near a cross, he gets scared. So Reprobus once again changed allegiance and began his search for Christ.

[Marcus Parks]

The cross is how they killed him.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I don't understand. So fucking yeah, he should love the cross. I never understood that. And so Reprobus is gonna fucking. He's a fucking fair weather friend, man.

[Ed Larson]

No, no, Reprobus is just. He's just looking for the most powerful guy. That's all he cares about.

[Henry Zebrowski]

He's been around.

[Ed Larson]

Mm. Now, after a very long and boring story in which Jesus appeared as a child and made Reprobus carry him across a river.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Carry me?

[Marcus Parks]

My legs don't work. Can we cross the river?

[Henry Zebrowski]

Fool you. I'm Jesus. I'm turning piss into soda now.

[Marcus Parks]

Suck my dick.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, I didn't know.

[Ed Larson]

After he carried him across the river, Jesus revealed himself.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Hello.

[Ed Larson]

And gave Reprobus a magical staff that would bear flowers and fruit when it struck the ground. Jesus then baptized Reprobus as Christopher. Your name is Christopher, which means bearing Christ, because he carried Christ across the river.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh wow.

[Ed Larson]

That's where the name Christopher comes from. And so Christopher with a brand new name traveled to the city of Lycia to pray for and comfort Christians who were being killed by Romans.

[Henry Zebrowski]

So Christopher is essentially like Christ's caddy. That's all that means. It's a Christopher.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, he literally carried Christ across the river. And bearing Christ. It means carrying Christ.

[Marcus Parks]

Not because they didn't call Jesus. It's also, you know, Jesus is also Jesus.

[Henry Zebrowski]

They can only be one. One Jesus.

[Marcus Parks]

There's going to be one Jesus.

[Ed Larson]

No, there's not. There's millions upon millions of men named Jesus.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, that's later on when people got fucking lazy.

[Ed Larson]

Now after visiting future martyrs in prison, Christopher was attacked by the guards. But instead of fighting them, he struck his magical staff into the ground. And when it bore fruits and flowers, everyone present converted to Christianity on the spot. And everyone clapped. This was enough to I just a.

[Marcus Parks]

Branch from banana tree.

[Henry Zebrowski]

It's just a banana. Yeah. You know, like this is just a fruit.

[Ed Larson]

This was enough to impress a local warlord named King Dagnus who sent two knights to retrieve Christopher. But when the knights came back with Christopher, they'd also been converted along the way. So King Dagnys told Christopher that if he didn't sacrifice something to the gods then and there, he would be tortured and killed. Christopher refused and the converted knights were beheaded. So King Dagnus sent two sisters named Nicaea and Aquilina to see if they could tempt Christopher into having an incestuous three way fuck.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

So killing you didn't work. Have you ever thought about getting fucked by two hot chicks?

[Henry Zebrowski]

No, I actually haven't.

[Ed Larson]

But when they touched him, Christopher began praying. Christopher began praying and the two sexy ladies were converted as well.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Damn, man, he flipped two hoes. That's a shame, dude. We can't be losing hoes.

[Ed Larson]

Not just two sexy ladies, but two sexy sisters who were willing to go fuck a dude together.

[Henry Zebrowski]

They were about to go all around the world. Yeah, I guess they did need Christ.

[Ed Larson]

When the sexy sisters also refused to make sacrifices, Aquilina was hung and a heavy stone was tied to her feet which popped her limbs out of her sockets.

[Henry Zebrowski]

None of these people were made saints, by the way.

[Ed Larson]

No. Nicaea was thrown on a fire, then beheaded.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, wow.

[Ed Larson]

And finally, it was Christopher's turn. First he was brought before the king and beaten with red hot burning iron rods. Then he was bound to an iron chair where a fire burned underneath the seat supposedly melted like wax. But Christopher remained unharmed.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Comey, comey, comey.

[Ed Larson]

The king then had him tied to a tree where he would be shot by 40 archers.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Cool.

[Ed Larson]

But the arrows all stopped in midair just before hitting him.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Neo.

[Ed Larson]

And when the king advanced to investigate, one of the arrows turned and shot the king in the eye.

[Marcus Parks]

What an idiot.

[Henry Zebrowski]

What a maroon.

[Ed Larson]

You don't get there's a bunch of arrows floating in the air. You don't go up poke one of them.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. What is this? You know nothing about Daffy Duck. This was totally avoidable.

[Ed Larson]

Christopher then said that after the king killed him, he should anoint his blinded eye with Christopher's blood and it would be healed.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Just a little fun tip.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

Why would he tell him?

[Henry Zebrowski]

Because he's a fucking saint.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. Christopher was then beheaded. But when the blood of Reprobus was dabbed on King Dagnus's eye, he could see again. And the king converted to Christianity as well.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Wow. What? You know, that's amazing. It worked. Wow. Wow.

[Ed Larson]

Should it be D headed instead of beheaded?

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. I actually wonder why it's not de headed.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah, right.

[Ed Larson]

English is a funny little language.

[Henry Zebrowski]

It really is, you know, cuz it's D nutted.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah, they take. When they take your balls off.

[Henry Zebrowski]

D nuts.

[Ed Larson]

See, we're having fun with. With English right now.

[Henry Zebrowski]

That's what I do.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, that's what he does.

[Henry Zebrowski]

That's what I do. By being a.

[Ed Larson]

One of the weird things about St. Christopher was not just that he was at least 18ft tall, but that he's also often depicted as having the head of a dog. According to the Irish Passion of St. Christopher.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Was that a fucking gay pornography about the troubles?

[Marcus Parks]

He can't betcha I can. Fuck this dog.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I bet you're cool. And I bet you I'd watch you that, Dirk. And watching you. Who said that they're Catholic and they're Madison. Can't come together.

[Marcus Parks]

All right, one, two, three, come.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, I can't come unless I'm thinking of me mother.

[Marcus Parks]

And she will raise you up on eagles wings.

[Ed Larson]

According to the Irish passion of St Christopher. He came from a dog headed race that ate human flesh and had tusks like a wild boar.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Awesome.

[Ed Larson]

This, however, isn't the only place that dog headed men show up in religion and myths from this time period, you got the Egyptian God Anubis. Those thousands of years before that. Jason and the Argonauts, they fought dog headed men. And Alexander the Great claimed to have fought dog headed men in India. But what's incredible about St. Christopher is that his representation as a dog headed man might come from a mistranslation. See, Christopher was from Canaan, meaning he was a Can. Canaanite. The Latin word for Canaanite is Canaanius, while the Latin word for dog is Canaanus. So it could be that someone just wrote down the wrong word and all of a sudden you got a dog headed giant as one of your most popular and well known sub characters in your religion. Shit like this used to happen all the time.

[Marcus Parks]

You know, dogs got a good sense of direction. You've seen Benji?

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. For the traveler.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

Overbound.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah. Dogs are good for that.

[Marcus Parks]

White Fang, you know, they're always traveling.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, that one Old Yeller whacked him.

[Marcus Parks]

Oh yeah. He was traveling straight to his death.

[Ed Larson]

Now, while Christopher became popular because he was the patron saint of travelers and almost everyone travels our next.

[Henry Zebrowski]

They're definitely not driving. No, the key is to make sure if you're traveling. That's how you know, you could tell the police officers that you're traveling, is that you have the St. Christopher thing up there and you cannot be arrested because you're not operating a motor vehicle in a business aspect.

[Ed Larson]

Traveling. Our next saint became popular because of the plague and in the process also became sort of a gay icon to boot. Okay, that would be St. Sebastian.

[Henry Zebrowski]

So St. Sebastian was H o t t o g o. Oh, we're going.

[Ed Larson]

To get into it, bro.

[Marcus Parks]

Hey everybody. Ed here to talk to you about one of my favorite things. And that's sweet, sweet Quince. Ooh, my wardrobe is so comfy now. Oh, summer, bye bye summer. You gone.

[Henry Zebrowski]

We don't want nothing to do with you no more.

[Marcus Parks]

I gotta throw out my shorts. Imma throw my flip flops. You know what? I'm getting some nice linen pants. A long sleeve cozy cashmere sweater. Mongolian cash cashmere, if you were curious. And then, you know what you're saying. Eddie, I can't afford mongolian cashmere sweaters. 60 bucks. Pretty crazy. 60 bucks for a Mongolian cashmere sweater? Quince is practically giving this stuff away. And you know what? I know what you're thinking. If a Mongolian cashmere sweater is only 60 bucks, it must be Shady. Nah, nah, dude. Quint only works with factories that use safe, ethical and responsible manufacturing practices along with premium fabrics and finishes. I love my Quint clothes. I'm so comfy in it. And you know what? It looks good. I wear it on stage. I don't care. You know people. Yeah, I love wearing, you know, non expensive clothes. Great. Not expensive clothes that you can wear in front of people and look good. Quint got you Mongolian cashmere sweaters for 60 bucks. Are you nuts? That's 200 easy. If you go to a store, Quince man, you want to look like a prince, you get that? Quints. So upgrade your wardrobe with pieces made to last with quints. Go to quince.com last for free shipping on your order and a 365 day return. That's Q U I N C E dot com last to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com last look good. You deserve it.

[Ed Larson]

Now Sebastian was a soldier who joined the Roman military in the mid third century as a secret agent so he could be be of service to Christians who were being persecuted by Romans. A closeted Christian, if you will.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Ooh, very sexy.

[Ed Larson]

While in the military, Sebastian was promoted to the praetorian guard of the emperor.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I bet.

[Ed Larson]

Oh yeah, I bet he was. All while secretly converting and baptizing other soldiers and civilians.

[Henry Zebrowski]

It's my own special homemade white wine.

[Marcus Parks]

It's there.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Hope you like the aftertaste.

[Ed Larson]

It's more of a syrup than a wine.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, it is more of a glop.

[Marcus Parks]

Don't put it in your.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Unless you want a little baby. Sebastian.

[Ed Larson]

But his cover was blown when two twin Christian brothers named Marcus and Marcelian were imprisoned for again refusing to make a sacrifice to the Roman God.

[Henry Zebrowski]

You did it. I know. Marcus was an ancient name.

[Marcus Parks]

Oh yeah, Very much so.

[Ed Larson]

Marcus Aurelius.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Wow.

[Ed Larson]

Tis Christ.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah.

[Ed Larson]

Marcus is the most Roman name there is.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah. Mark Anthony. He's probably Marcus.

[Henry Zebrowski]

That's Mark. Wow. Yeah.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. There's not more Roman names. Mark's pretty much up there.

[Henry Zebrowski]

You don't see any Eddies?

[Marcus Parks]

No, but we came around and once we got to Europe, you know, Eddie started popping up.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Edward did. Yeah, yeah. And Henry. Yeah. Maria will continue. I'm sorry I did this. I'm sorry I did this to us.

[Ed Larson]

Well, Marcus and Marcellian's pagan parents tried to get them to renounce Christianity. But Sebastian actually talked them into accepting the fate of their sons by converting the parents to Christianity as well to sell them on it. Sebastian said that he would endure torture and death to show Marcus and Marcellian how to give their lives for Christ. But it actually kind of ended up working backwards.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. He didn't want. He's going to show how he could bottom for Christ. Take it.

[Ed Larson]

See, before Marcus and Marcellian were killed, Sebastian went on a bit of a converting spree which led to his capture. A woman named Zoe, married to a Roman official, had been mute for six years. And Sebastian supposedly cured her by simply making the sign of the cross, which that don't make any fucking sense to me because that's a miracle which is something that only God and Jesus is supposed to be able to do.

[Henry Zebrowski]

But the reason why they are so. The reason why they miracles have to be attributed is because it has to show that they were chosen specially by God and that they worked that God. It's not them doing the miracles, it's.

[Ed Larson]

God doing it through them.

[Henry Zebrowski]

And so that's. And Jesus was supposed to be the ultimate example of you're destroying the avatar of God that I've brought to you to open it up. Because the whole point of the Jesus sacrifice is that he then opens heaven for us. Right. Is that everybody can go to heaven. It's not just angels. It's not the most pure. Is that everybody can go if they follow the way of Christ. This is kind of the same thing as that he has to go through. He has. It's about being the middleman.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah.

[Henry Zebrowski]

And I also think he just asked her a question for the first time because she's the only gay man that she's ever met.

[Marcus Parks]

And when Jesus was flogged and he didn't bleed, that was the first miracle. Whip.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Something's wrong with this whip. What's wrong with this damn whip? Girl just whipping each other. Ow. Ow.

[Ed Larson]

Well, Zoe's conversion caused a whole cascade of conversions amongst local Roman authorities, which caused an equally strong backlash. Zoe was the first to be arrested. Caught praying at the grave of St Peter. She confessed to being a Christian. And in probably the worst death out of all these, she was hung by her hair over a smoking pile of shit until she choked to death on the fumes.

[Marcus Parks]

I mean. That sounds nice.

[Henry Zebrowski]

That's what your Julie has to deal with every single time. She has to go into the bathroom after you.

[Marcus Parks]

We do this thing now where she sits on my lap when I shit.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Married life. Married life is amazing. I love chicken. And the egging it. That's what we call it in our house. I'm the chicken. She's making the eggs.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah. Can you sneak one through ultimate gatekeeping from there.

[Ed Larson]

The Christians that Sebastian converted, they were killed one by one. They were stoned to death. One was drowned at sea with rocks tighter around their necks. One was made to walk across hot coals before being beheaded. And a few of them were just burned alive as far as Marcus and Marcellinius went. Their feet were nailed to a tree stump. And after they prayed all night to be saved, they were stabbed with spears when the sun came up again.

[Henry Zebrowski]

He's not doing shit. God didn't do anything that's.

[Marcus Parks]

That wasn't in the Giving Tree, I'll tell you that much.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, yeah. You never saw the nailing stump. I love that.

[Marcus Parks]

But I give and I'm. I can't.

[Ed Larson]

But I can't, baby. Sebastian, of course, was saved for last. The Emperor he served, Diocletian, was particularly angry that one of his own guard had betrayed the Roman Empire so thoroughly. This is especially since Diocletian was at that time, presiding over the biggest and bloodiest persecution of Christians in history. So Sebastian was bound to a tree where he would be pelted with dozens of arrows. Once the archers did their duty, Sebastian's body was said to resemble a sea urchin. And he was left to die full of arrows.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Awesome.

[Ed Larson]

But when a Christian went to retrieve Sebastian's body for burial, she found that he was still alive. Go get my Uggs.

[Marcus Parks]

Is there any Neosporin close by?

[Ed Larson]

The Christian brought him home, where he recovered. But he still couldn't just chill out. He stood at a staircase where he knew the Emperor would pass. And when Diocletian showed up, Sebastian started heckling him.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Stink ass bitch. St. Stink ass bitch. Don't know shit. Stink ass up. Bitch.

[Ed Larson]

Now, for a moment, the Emperor supposedly thought that maybe there was something to this Christianity thing after all.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I like this energy.

[Ed Larson]

But after waving that away, the Emperor said, nah, fucking kill him. So his soldiers beat Sebastian to death with cudgels and threw his body in the sewer.

[Henry Zebrowski]

No fix in that.

[Ed Larson]

The location of his body appeared to another woman in a dream, who retrieved the body and buried him where supposedly, the Basilica of Sebastian now stands.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Bury me at the Sephora.

[Ed Larson]

But how Sebastian became a gay icon goes back to the days of the Black Plague. See, arrows have been associated with the plague since antiquity, when Apollo sent plague tipped arrows to punish the sins of Agamemnon. Likewise, the Bible uses arrows as a metaphor when God unleashes plagues upon humanity. But since Sebastian was on the receiving end of many arrows and survived, it was Said that he could petition God on behalf of those infected with the plague. And since there were so many devastating plagues, Sebastian became a very popular figure in Europe. Therefore, when the renaissance came about, St. Sebastian was a popular subject for many paintings and frescoes. But for some reason. And this is how he came to be a gay icon. Because no, Henry Sebastian himself was not gay. Sebastian was invariably portrayed as a nude or semi nude handsome young man with a perfectly sculpted and bound body, giving off a. A general sense of ecstasy and sensualism. Basically, all of his paintings look like a guy who's just about to come during a BDSM session.

[Henry Zebrowski]

My question is that, do you think on some level they would masturbate to this material? Like, I mean, this is a genuine question.

[Ed Larson]

On some level, who would masturbate to the material?

[Henry Zebrowski]

The monks that make the paintings, like.

[Marcus Parks]

The people that made specifically don't masturbate.

[Henry Zebrowski]

These aren't.

[Ed Larson]

No, you're. No, this is Renaissance painters. This is Renaissance. This is not monks. This is Renaissance. This is like fucking the masters.

[Henry Zebrowski]

But the idea of making him sexy.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Are we not, like, then jerking off at it? Because is this not what porno was? I mean, they make him sexy to be like him, Jude Law, like the sexy Pope.

[Ed Larson]

What kind of. The point was, is that you could jerk off to him.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Wow.

[Ed Larson]

Like you could jerk off to a painting of St. Sebastian. That's how sexy and homeless homoerotic paintings of St. Sebastian were.

[Henry Zebrowski]

But do they? Yeah.

[Ed Larson]

Well, the thing is that St. Sebastian was a favorite of Oscar Wilde. Yes. Oscar Wilde used Sebastian's name as a pseudonym when he was exiled to Paris after serving two years in prison in England simply for being gay. Keith Haring also used, like, St. Sebastian imagery. But St. Sebastian really became important in the gay community during the worst of the AIDS crisis, when a plague was indeed wiping out their community. And while he has somewhat fallen out of fash, he still remains extremely important to some of the people who survived those times.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. Because he's sexy. Yeah.

[Ed Larson]

And also sexy and fun.

[Henry Zebrowski]

And he did, you know, that was his whole thing.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. And he protected against plagues. So, you know, when he didn't, medicine did it died. Yeah.

[Henry Zebrowski]

No, no. Black plague killed as many as it could. It really did its best. And I think that medicine stopped. Well, aids.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah.

[Henry Zebrowski]

In terms of working on that. Yeah.

[Ed Larson]

I wouldn't say it was the St. Sebastian, but it was a comfort for people. You know, like, like many saints are.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, yeah, that's why I prayed the noid. Oh, yeah, I love that Saint.

[Ed Larson]

Noid, that is your saint?

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, yes. Oh, the noid is my saint. The noid. Yes. Saint.

[Ed Larson]

The Noid of Assisi.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. A peepee. The saint. The noid of the. Of a peepee is one of my favorite of the favorite saints.

[Ed Larson]

No. St. Sebastian is known as the sexy saint. Our next one, St. Lucy, somewhat lies on the other side as she's often invoked against eye diseases, hemorrhages, and the bloody flux, AKA dysentery.

[Marcus Parks]

So she's hideous, Is that what you mean?

[Henry Zebrowski]

Well, she's alt.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, she's alt.

[Marcus Parks]

Okay.

[Ed Larson]

She is, however, also the patron saint of sex workers, as well as the patron saint of blind people and ophthalmologists.

[Henry Zebrowski]

That's a lot to cover.

[Marcus Parks]

It really is.

[Ed Larson]

So many of these saints cover like nine or ten different things.

[Henry Zebrowski]

To be in charge of all sex workers and ophthalmologist seems a strange. It's a fun conference. Yes.

[Marcus Parks]

I'd like to see my sex worker better.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, my God, Linda.

[Ed Larson]

I've been paying my wife for sex.

[Marcus Parks]

I love how you used your mother's.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I'm sorry.

[Marcus Parks]

I'm sorry.

[Henry Zebrowski]

It was right there.

[Ed Larson]

Lucy was born to a noble family in Syracuse, Sicily, at the end of the third century.

[Marcus Parks]

God. Even Sicily has a Syracuse God.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Don't go to fucking Albany, Italy.

[Ed Larson]

The great Syracuse of the soul. And she was raised by her mother after her father died young. Her mother, however, had the bloody flux, which is so named because its symptoms include bloody diarrhea. Flux, meaning flow. We know bloody flow.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. We wet. Yeah. From your.

[Ed Larson]

With all the. With all the. With all the feces.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. Blood coming out of your ass. Yeah.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

My hemorrhage is so bad, I had to rename my toilet to Sandy Hook.

[Henry Zebrowski]

You like that? Are you happy with that audience? Cuz we're going to keep it in. We're going to keep it in because we want to. Because we want to. And because the Sandy Hook parents won.

[Ed Larson]

It was very real.

[Henry Zebrowski]

It was. It was extremely real. And the Sandy Hook parents won because they bought the. They bought Infowars.

[Ed Larson]

We said. No, that we say this on day that Infowars officially went off air. The Onion bought it.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yep.

[Marcus Parks]

Yep.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Wow.

[Ed Larson]

My God.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Interesting time.

[Ed Larson]

Very much so. So thinking that she was about to die, Lucy's mother arranged for her daughter to be married to a wealthy pagan family to ensure her future, even though both of them are Christians in the mean.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Never hear that anymore. Wealthy pagan family. Where's the old money pagan?

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah.

[Ed Larson]

Where would the wealthy pagan families be today?

[Henry Zebrowski]

I don't know.

[Ed Larson]

In the meantime, though, Lucy and her mother made a pilgrimage to visit the shrine of Saint Agatha, who died 50 years earlier after she was stretched on the rack and her breasts were ripped off with tongs.

[Marcus Parks]

About time.

[Ed Larson]

Get some breasts ripping.

[Henry Zebrowski]

We're getting there. Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

How many saints can we talk about without ripping off breasts?

[Ed Larson]

Well, apparently miracles happen at the shrine of Saint Agatha. And after a night of praying, Lucy's mother. No more bloody diarrhea.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I found a cork.

[Ed Larson]

But. Sorry, I just thought about that Sandy Hook joke again.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, yeah, yes, yes, it's in there. It's. But again, in this context, it's activism.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. But now that her mother was no longer in mortal danger, Lucy confessed that since she was a young girl, she'd wanted to remain a Christian virgin all. All her life. And since her mother had been cured by God, they should likewise give away all their wealth to the poor. This is why there's no more wealthy pagan families, Lucy's mother said. Sure, why the fuck not? So they started redistributing their stuff to the huddled masses. But when Lucy's betrothed pagan heard that his dowry was being given away, he got a little huffy and told the governor of Syracuse that Lucy was a secret Christian.

[Henry Zebrowski]

It's like George Pataky.

[Ed Larson]

This got Lucy arrested and interrogated. And when she again refused to burn a sacrif, the governor of Syracuse sentenced her to be defiled in a brothel where she would become a sex slave to disabuse her of any notion of remaining a Christian virgin. But when the guards tried to remove her, she allegedly became heavier than a boulder. And she still wouldn't move, even after they hitched her to a team of oxen. So they figured, fuck it, let's just burn her right here, right now.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Can we fuck her first?

[Ed Larson]

But when the wood was set aflame, Lucy didn't burn. She was finally killed when a sword was thrust through her throat, though, which really does seem to be the secret weakness of any saint. Cause God, for some reason, just can't fucking deal with neck injuries.

[Henry Zebrowski]

There's something about it. He doesn't like helping the neck.

[Marcus Parks]

It's hard to kill a lesbian.

[Henry Zebrowski]

That's what I heard. That's what I heard from my father. That's what I heard from my grandfather. That's what I heard from my baseball coaches.

[Ed Larson]

But as time went on, Lucy's legend evolved to include, for some reason, torture by eye gouging. It was said that Lucy foresaw the end of Christian persecution. And she said this to the governor of Syracuse, so he had her eyes removed. Other accounts, however, are far more dramatic. In one form of the story, Lucy greatly overreacted after a suitor commented on the beauty of her eyes. After this seemingly innocuous comment, Lucy cut out her eyeballs and sent them to the suitor in a package and said, please leave me alone.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Ooh, Lucy is brat.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah, you would have to prepare address that. You know, obviously it's going to be.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Difficult to stamp that in my mailbox.

[Ed Larson]

Can wander outside of your eye, your house with your fucking eyes.

[Marcus Parks]

But could somebody mail this for me?

[Henry Zebrowski]

I didn't think about this through four.

[Marcus Parks]

Days, sitting in front of her hut, yelling, postman. Where is the postman?

[Henry Zebrowski]

I know one of you is, and you're lying to me.

[Ed Larson]

But the miracle was that even without eyes, Lucy could still supposedly see. Another of the female saints is Saint Catherine of Alexandria, who lived and died around the same time as Lucy. Also born to a noble family, Catherine was intelligent, educated, and beautiful and was known to say that she would only marry a man who surpassed her in nobility, wealth, comeliness, and wisdom.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Okay, so she was the saint of standards.

[Ed Larson]

So Catherine's mother, a secret Christian, brought her daughter to a hermit who lived in a cave, which I'm discovering was kind of a common trope in early Christianity, because there's a whole. There was a whole side quest in St. Christopher's story that involved a hermit as well.

[Henry Zebrowski]

They viewed that as the. That is the local holy man. That's kind of what they're talking about. Somebody that was specifically so, like, you know, just so in tune with Christ. So they became like, sort of an aesthetic.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. And he had to, you know, live outside of town and hide. And so.

[Marcus Parks]

And so hermits were the first people that realized what were.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, the hermits. They were the first one to say all y'all. Yeah.

[Ed Larson]

But this hermit was supposed to solve the problem of how Catherine was going to find a guy that met her standards. So he gave her an image of the Virgin Mary and the baby Jesus.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Kermit's not going where all the single guys are.

[Ed Larson]

So he gave her an image of the Virgin Mary and the baby Jesus and told Catherine to pray to the image concerning her heart's desire.

[Henry Zebrowski]

So you think that baby Jesus is gonna make sure your coochie gets fucking filled?

[Ed Larson]

Well, baby Jesus is gonna give you an answer one way or another.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Me want milk.

[Marcus Parks]

Where's my daddy? Why isn't he here?

[Henry Zebrowski]

Daddy's got a big old dick. He fucked Mommy until she forgot that he existed.

[Ed Larson]

But Catherine did as she was told. And much to her surprise, the Virgin Mary appeared holding the baby Jesus. And the Virgin Mary told baby Jesus to behold Catherine to see how fair and virtuous she was.

[Henry Zebrowski]

She's fuckable.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. Unimpressed, the baby Jesus turned his head away and rejected Catherine.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Spit all over. He never does this, Jesus.

[Marcus Parks]

We came here all the way from the afterlife.

[Ed Larson]

Puzzled, Catherine returned to the hermit who introduced her to Christianity. And that same evening, the Virgin Mary and Jesus appeared again. Except this time, Jesus was a guy.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yep.

[Ed Larson]

Full grown man.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, yeah. Because all he did was have to look at her once.

[Ed Larson]

And he gave Catherine a ring as a token of her betrothal to him.

[Henry Zebrowski]

How much you want to bet this is just the hermit just dressing up as Jesus Christ? He's got a local hooker helping him doing the Virgin and Mary stuff, slipping her some shrooms.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

And it was a nuva ring.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zebrowski]

You're gonna want to put this in your pussy.

[Ed Larson]

But unluckily for Catherine, the Roman Emperor Maximian just happened to be in town, and he asked Catherine for her hand in marriage.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Whoa.

[Ed Larson]

When she refused, saying she was a bride of Christ, the Emperor condemned her to death by breaking on the wheel.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Awesome.

[Ed Larson]

This method of torture, now known as the Catherine wheel, after St. Catherine, was quite popular in the Middle Ages. First, the execution would drop a big, heavy wheel on the victim to break their bones. Then the victim was tied to the wheel, where the remaining unbroken bones would be broken with the club.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, wow. Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

Seems nice.

[Ed Larson]

Then the ragged limbs that were, you know, all broken, you know, they would be intertwined into the wheel spokes. Oh. And then the person would be left there for hours or days until they finally died of their wounds or of thirst.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Hmm.

[Ed Larson]

Very, very, very bad way to die.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, it's one of the worst ones. Yeah. I still think that crucifix is pretty bad, too, because you drown in your own blood.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah. And you said the one where the lady was hung over the flaming was real bad, but the other one seemed worse to me, where they tied the rock to her legs and that just, like, stretched out her bones.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I do think that's worse too. But again, there's a meme that I've seen, but the first couple of seconds of that probably feel great.

[Marcus Parks]

Oh, yeah. For a little bit.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah.

[Ed Larson]

Well, in Roman times, the wheel was usually reserved for slaves and Christians, so it was the wheel that Catherine was sent to. But miraculously, the wheel broke at Catherine's touch.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Whoa.

[Ed Larson]

So the customary beheading Was ordered.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Lopper fucking hat off.

[Ed Larson]

But this time, in what sounds like a visual from a fucking Ari Aster movie, Catherine's body flowed not with blood when it was beheaded, but with a stream of milk.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, milk. It's milk. Everybody get your bones.

[Ed Larson]

Catherine, by the way, was one of the three voices who spoke to Joan of Arc.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Wow.

[Ed Larson]

Another one of Joan's spirit friends was St. Margaret of Antioch, the patron saint of pregnant women, servant maids, and sufferers of kidney maladies, as well as being a protector against diabolical infestations.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, wow. Thanks, Joan. Oh, Margaret.

[Marcus Parks]

Does she also shoot milk?

[Henry Zebrowski]

No, dude, no. She's lame. It's not the same, man. She didn't even do it out of the titties, which is the fun way to shoot milk. She did it out of her head.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. Technically out of her neck.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

If she still. If her head was still attached, would have came out of her nose. Something. Someone said something funny.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Gotta be careful.

[Ed Larson]

Like Catherine. Margaret was lusted after by a Roman official, but was thrown in jail for being a bride of Christ. Margaret was then tied to a stake and tortured by being beaten with rods and iron combs to rend and draw out her flesh from her bones. After remaining defiant about her faith, she was taken down and placed in a cell where she prayed to God to reveal the enemy who was fighting her. At that moment, Satan arrived as a dragon and swallowed her whole. But when Margaret blessed herself, the dragon split in two.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Awesome. That's like Evangelion when he's inside. When he goes inside the creature.

[Ed Larson]

Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. Don't spoil it too much. I'm watching.

[Marcus Parks]

You haven't seen Evangelion.

[Ed Larson]

I know, but I'm still.

[Henry Zebrowski]

You never seen the OG Series of Evangelion.

[Ed Larson]

It's so much to go through.

[Henry Zebrowski]

It is.

[Ed Larson]

It's a lot to go through.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I'm really surprised you haven't watched all of it. And then we talk.

[Ed Larson]

It's.

[Henry Zebrowski]

We're friends.

[Ed Larson]

There's a bit of a barrier at times.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, yeah. That's the idea with.

[Ed Larson]

No, no, no, no. With me watching the show.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yes. You know, and me.

[Ed Larson]

When they bring the penguin in.

[Henry Zebrowski]

It's called fan service. And they're making fun of fan service, are they? Yeah, it's the idea. Pen. Pen is making fun of fan service?

[Ed Larson]

Is that what it is?

[Henry Zebrowski]

It's meta.

[Ed Larson]

Okay.

[Marcus Parks]

Fuck.

[Ed Larson]

It's also. I just can't.

[Marcus Parks]

It's just.

[Ed Larson]

I can't stand to hear a boy whine for 20 hours when you get to the end.

[Henry Zebrowski]

It's good.

[Ed Larson]

Cool after the 20 hours.

[Henry Zebrowski]

But I am not as good. I don't like. I don't like the boy whining either, but I like it towards the end.

[Ed Larson]

Okay, well. Satan then appeared in the likeness of a man who tried to deceive Margaret. Hello. She, however, saw through the disguise, flung Satan to the ground, and stomped on his neck.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yes, please.

[Ed Larson]

And when she took her foot away, the earth opened and Satan returned to hell, while Margaret was beheaded the next day and sent to heaven.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, well, I guess that's good.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah, she literally saved Earth from Satan three times.

[Ed Larson]

But it's said that since Margaret's story is so fantastical, what with the dragon and all, her feast day was removed from the Roman Catholic calendar in 1969.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Matt Reeves is good director, but he's ruined everything. Nothing, everything has to be grounded.

[Ed Larson]

It could also be, however, that the Catholic Church, none too fond of women, weren't that comfortable with a super aggressive female saint. Can't say that for sure, though.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Who knows?

[Ed Larson]

But when it comes to legacy, one of the more interesting saints is our last today. That would be Saint Barbara.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, yeah.

[Ed Larson]

The patron saint of architects, firemen and miners, who is predictably invoked against explosions, fire, lightning and sudden death.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Honestly, if you have time to pray to St Barbara before an explosion. Before an explosion, you should be running.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah. Saint Barbara also lights all the explosions with cigarettes.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, I do. Yeah.

[Ed Larson]

Give me a carton of Mental again. She was a beautiful young maiden, hailing from either Lebanon or Turkey. Probably Lebanon. So beautiful was Barbara that her father hid her away so no man could see her beauty. And her only contact with the outside world was with her. Pagan tutors, who are not going to.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Be the horniest people on the face of the planet than pagan tutors. They don't even have to worry about keeping their jobs. Tutors are paid by the hour. That's gig work.

[Ed Larson]

Now, there are many sources that all have a different answer on how Barbara was introduced to Christianity. But like all the other converts, she liked what she heard from someone. And weird started happening after she accepted the Christian faith. Her father became enraged when he discovered she was a Christian. But when he drew his sword to murder his child on the spot, she ducked the blade and fled the tower in disguise to hide in a cave in the surrounding mountains.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Have you ever tried that when you were getting like, you know, it is bad. You ever run from your dad? Yeah, before you get the spanking or whatever. And then it Always makes a you.

[Ed Larson]

Realize that while you might be a quick, small thing, he's a large, fast thing.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, he's big. Yeah, he's big. Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

Well, yeah. You want me to talk about when my dad hit me?

[Henry Zebrowski]

Honestly, I'm already bored.

[Ed Larson]

While she was in the mountains, she was found and ratted out by a shepherd. Barbara later cursed the shepherd by turning his sheep into locusts and turning the man himself into stone.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Kazam.

[Ed Larson]

Barbara was dragged back to the city and handed over to the lock local magistrate, who sentenced her to death by beheading. If she didn't renounce her fate.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I'll do whatever I want. I'm turning you fucking all your bullshit. You got a dog. I'm gonna turn it into rats. I can do whatever I want. I don't even know how you can put me in jail.

[Ed Larson]

When she said no, she was flogged with rawhide and her wounds were rubbed with hair cloth to increase the pain. But each night, she'd pray to Jesus and he'd appear to heal her wounds so she could go through the whole thing all over again again the next day. Alongside Barbara, however, was another Christian woman, Juliana. And together their bodies were raked and wounded with hooks before they were led naked through the city amidst cheers and hecklers. When it finally came time to execute the two women, however, the magistrate gave the honor to Barbara's father, who, with a swing of the ax, beheaded his daughter in a public forum.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Every father's dream.

[Ed Larson]

But at that moment, a crack of thunder was heard and Barbara's father was struck, struck by lightning, immediately reducing him to ashes.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, fuck your dad. He got blown up. That's fine as hell.

[Marcus Parks]

But he did behead her before he blew up.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Very much so, yeah.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, yeah. Now, because of this lightning strike, Barbara is invoked against thunder, lightning, and accidents from explosions involving gunpowder, as well as violent workplace accidents of any kind.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, wow.

[Marcus Parks]

Slip and falls.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, slip it. Yeah. She really is. She's the patron saint of Slippin Falls. But that's also how Barbara became the patron saint of artillerymen and miners. The most interesting legacy of Barbara, however, comes from Lebanon, where St Barbara's Day was turned into a version of Halloween. See, in the local version of the story, St. Barbara evaded Roman officials by dressing in a costume when she hid in the hills before the shepherd found her.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Don't tell anybody, but I'm a Taco.

[Ed Larson]

So on December 3, the day before the local annual feast day, children in costumes roam neighborhoods screaming, hushule ye, Barbara. Telling Barbara to run away while replicating her escape.

[Henry Zebrowski]

That's cute.

[Ed Larson]

They then go door to door, collecting sweets and money in exchange for a song or a bit of dancing, accompanied by a tambourine or hand drum. And if the host gives a good treat, the kid will sing a song to compliment them.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I like your treat. I thank you so much. I like to eat. You are. Please don't cut my clitoris off.

[Ed Larson]

But if the treat sucks, the kid will end their song with an insult and run away.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah, you're fat.

[Henry Zebrowski]

That's it. That's all I have.

[Ed Larson]

But perhaps where Barbara is most popular is in Poland, where they hold a feast in her honor that has the most Polish name I've ever heard.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Borborka. Happy Borborka to you. Have you fondled your grandmother's. Ah, happy Bor. It is the. It is the season for big heathen bosoms to be found laying in soup.

[Marcus Parks]

You have barely touched your woman pie.

[Henry Zebrowski]

It's in the shape of bag filled with poor corks. Ah, sweet, sweet Borka. You get five weeks off. I love borka season.

[Ed Larson]

Well, borka revolves around miners, like the. The people who mine children. Not the children, no.

[Marcus Parks]

But they're also miners.

[Ed Larson]

Yes, they are.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah.

[Ed Larson]

Well, mining as a profession was like.

[Henry Zebrowski]

They'Re working. Okay. They get paid almost five dimes a year in whatever they're moving. Oh, you've seen this as well, which is a shirt that says I love Borka. Wow, look at this. Continue on. I'm looking at pictures of.

[Ed Larson]

Well, mining as a profession was held in high regard in Poland, especially during the Soviet years, because coal, yes, it had high value, but being a miner was among, if not the most dangerous jobs one could have. You were the worker amongst the workers. And so to celebrate the patron saint of miners, Barbourca, began with a mass followed by a parade, where each mining company would have their own marching ban, accompanied by ranks of miners and their ceremonial mining uniforms specific to each company. Additionally, each company would sing their own distinctive mining anthem. The festivities would continue throughout the day, culminating in a fireworks show at night and a gathering in which miners would divide themselves into teams based on age and rank. They would then roast battle with songs.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, it's awesome.

[Ed Larson]

And if your roast or your song was bad, you had to either drink salty beer or you were put in actual stocks where people roasted you further.

[Henry Zebrowski]

And this was all done by the carx me Pliny, or loosely translated, the brewers lodgings. So this is like, what? This is like, dude club stuff. Yeah. So the minor groups get together, and that's just all they do all night is they raise hell and they get drunk and they play pranks on each other.

[Ed Larson]

Yep.

[Henry Zebrowski]

It sounds like a blast.

[Marcus Parks]

They scream the word bar.

[Henry Zebrowski]

You know, it's. It honestly sounds like. A lot of it sounds very interesting. I'm looking this nice because it's like. Because how important petroleum is to Petroleum and salt to the Poland economy.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. And yeah. They. They say they. They hold miners in high regard.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. Krakow, there's a salt mine that you can go down into that's apparently a gorgeous. They like built a whole like kind of a chapel down there that's supposed to be really cool, but I got claustrophobia, so I couldn't go.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Is there a difference between like. Like fresh salt? What do you mean? You got fresh. If you went down to the salt mine and you got some fresh ass.

[Marcus Parks]

So I think salt's the same.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I think so. But I don't know.

[Marcus Parks]

Keep them good for a very long period of time.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. But if. I wonder if there's different levels of quality of salt.

[Ed Larson]

I think so.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I must be.

[Ed Larson]

I figured you'd know this.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I don't know. That's what I'm asking the audience. I know those types of salt, but I don't know whether or not if it's fresh salt, like you don't really want freshly brewed. Beautiful year. It's gross.

[Marcus Parks]

Oh, I guess not. I don't know. I never. I would have no idea. They have the Born on date. I know that for beers. You know is that was a big one for a while in the. In the early 2000s.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, I remember that.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you wanted a fresh one.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. You know what? Because the old ones were skunky.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Sometimes if you left them in the back. The bad fridge, they'd get skunky.

[Marcus Parks]

Eat.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Just so happy.

[Ed Larson]

Cuz I remember skunk beer played such a huge role in my life for.

[Henry Zebrowski]

A very long time. It really was funky. Beer was a part of my life. And then it just stopped. I don't know why. It's not like the beer got better.

[Marcus Parks]

You got successful.

[Henry Zebrowski]

But I'm not buying better beer.

[Marcus Parks]

Drink it. Yes, you are.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Well, I guess Modelos. Yeah, I guess it's not Reebon box.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah. You can't take them in and out of the fridge.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. And you can't drive with them anymore.

[Marcus Parks]

I know.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. Yeah. Not like stealing Keystone Light from farmers trucks like we used to do.

[Marcus Parks]

Exactly.

[Ed Larson]

That shit got skunky because you had to hide it.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah.

[Ed Larson]

And Then you drink it at school. Yeah, you could. Couldn't drink it until the weekend. You steal on Tuesday, you drink it on Saturday. Dis Skunky beer. And so.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Where uncles get together and talk shit that. About things that no one remembers anymore.

[Ed Larson]

Anybody remember skunky beer?

[Henry Zebrowski]

You ever had Red Dog beer? Come on. Yeah, we remember when we start naming all of the specific beers that we have. This is officially. This is what? Yes.

[Marcus Parks]

Barca Day.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, this is Barka day.

[Ed Larson]

We're having our own barca here, aren't we? So while these are just a few of the stories of the Saints, we'll certainly be bringing you another installment in the future that covers the Saints of the Middle Ages when shit gets really weird.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Because the old days, they used to vote. The community used to canonize, and it used to be more informal. But then as the church got involved, when canonization actually became an official process, that's when, as it always does, it becomes like neo babies, essentially.

[Ed Larson]

But if the saint show you anything, whether it be with the Mormons, the Scientologists, or the Catholics, the key to growing a cult into a religion is always to have solid bonus content.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yes.

[Ed Larson]

Always expand.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ed Larson]

Always expand your universe.

[Henry Zebrowski]

You need a patreon.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah. The ciman. The thesaurus.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

That expands the dictionary. Right.

[Henry Zebrowski]

We've learned nothing. We've learned nothing. We went through so much here today, and we're not better for it.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I want to say thank you so much for being here.

[Marcus Parks]

That's right.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Because without you being here, we can't make our own future religion. Because I think it's huge for us.

[Ed Larson]

I've been, you know, ruminating on it.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. We should. If we.

[Ed Larson]

I've been thinking about it.

[Henry Zebrowski]

How do we get canonized? Oh, man.

[Marcus Parks]

You have to sell the catalog.

[Henry Zebrowski]

What if we lied at the church? Church?

[Marcus Parks]

Oh, yeah.

[Henry Zebrowski]

And try to get in.

[Marcus Parks]

I mean, I've been lying to the church ever since I started going.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, dog. Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

They used to confess, like, twice a week. And I'm like, I didn't sin yet.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

So I just started lying about sins.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. It got you creative. Started thinking about it. You're like, oh, that's a great sin.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah, do that. Yeah.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, that sounds fun.

[Ed Larson]

They were not happy when I started asking about dinosaurs.

[Marcus Parks]

Oh, yeah.

[Ed Larson]

They got real mad about that, bro.

[Henry Zebrowski]

It's dinosaurs.

[Ed Larson]

It wasn't just a Bill Hicks bet like it was. They get really angry when you ask about dinosaurs when you're six years old because you love dinosaurs. Talking about it. And it's like, okay, so the. All the animals. It was the dinosaurs.

[Marcus Parks]

And.

[Ed Larson]

And then you get in trouble for asking questions.

[Henry Zebrowski]

And it's like if you were.

[Ed Larson]

And all a sudden you're the kid with a big mouth.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, that's how it is. If you were good ass priest, you would improv your way to unfold it in, fold it in. You know, that's the idea. You go like, oh, yeah, sure. Dinosaur. They angels.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. My Sunday school teacher wasn't ready for that. Regina was not ready for that question.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah, well, she should have just told you. They tossed him in on Noah's ark. Everyone knows that.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, who knows? Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

And then they drowned them.

[Henry Zebrowski]

They were too big.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

They drowned all the dinosaurs. When the flood came, Noah did it.

[Henry Zebrowski]

See, it's so important to learn.

[Marcus Parks]

Says he's a good guy, but he drowned the dinosaurs.

[Henry Zebrowski]

It's all he wanted to do. He's a murderer. He. The dinosaurs are the Natalie woods of the Bible. Patreon.com Last podcast and left. Speaking of DLC, you can get all of our extended adventures on the Patreon. We got bts, we have live streams. Come see all of our. And on there, it's like you watch us wiggle around on there. Go to LP on the left for all of our socials.

[Ed Larson]

Tik Tok and Instagram.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Tik Tok and Instagram. And go to last podcast. Love.com. we are going to be doing live shows. We're out there.

[Marcus Parks]

We have so many live shows coming.

[Henry Zebrowski]

December 7th.

[Marcus Parks]

December 7th is a big one in New York. Kings Theater. I can't wait.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Cannot wait.

[Marcus Parks]

Yes. And then after that, we're going to be in Atlanta in January and then Dallas in February. Nashville in March. Detroit in April on 418. Two days before 420. Not bad. Then on May 3rd, we'll be in Toronto. But next week, next Saturday, Henry and I are going to be with Billy Wayne Davis doing side stories live.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Cannot wait.

[Marcus Parks]

At the Mateo Community center in Humboldt.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, we're going to be. The goal is to make sure we can perform. Eddie. I know because Billy Wayne, right before he sent him before the show, I.

[Marcus Parks]

Was like, could it be after the show?

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, I don't think we should do a dab bar and then attempt to perform. I feel like we're gonna forget to do the show.

[Marcus Parks]

I'm not gonna do my fifth dab ever and then get on stage.

[Henry Zebrowski]

No. Because it's frightening. I did a podcast with Frank Castillo. There was the we. He did it all with dabs. And it was one of those where it's like 45 minutes in and it's like, what? I know. I'm like. You know when you've been talking for so long? Yeah. And they're all looking at you and it's like, what in the living fuck have I been saying? 45? Well, Frank's a psychopath.

[Marcus Parks]

I've seen him drink 100mg and then go on stage to do 30 minutes.

[Henry Zebrowski]

He's got to be careful.

[Marcus Parks]

I don't know what's going on.

[Henry Zebrowski]

That's taking the joy dabbing and shit.

[Marcus Parks]

So you. Yeah, exactly. You have to. Yeah. You got to live your life.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I love dabbing, but that's for when I'm finally not talking to anyone.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yep. Stab a ball. Give it up to you, Barbara. Happy bar. Happy Bar.

[Ed Larson]

Yes.

[Marcus Parks]

The Beach Boys, they know Beach Boy. There is no Beach Boys.

[Henry Zebrowski]

There is no Beach Boys.

[Ed Larson]

There is no beach in Beach Boys.

[Marcus Parks]

Fun, fun, fun. When they take my freedom away, it's.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Honestly, it's very political. We're full of activism today. Hail. Say it never.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, gain.

[Marcus Parks]

Hey, El Bark.

[Henry Zebrowski]

The biggest belly button. You put nine styles of beer in your big whale of a belly butter, Barbour.