Episode Summary: Last Podcast On The Left – Episode 599: "The Horrible Lives and Deaths of the Saints - The Middle Ages"

Release Date: December 6, 2024

In Episode 599 of Last Podcast on the Left, hosts Marcus Parks, Henry Zabrowski, and Ed Larson delve into the macabre and often horrifying lives and deaths of saints during the Middle Ages. This detailed exploration uncovers the dark underbelly of sainthood, revealing how the Catholic Church manipulated the concept of sainthood to consolidate power, influence communities, and sustain its dominance in Western Europe.

1. Introduction to Medieval Sainthood

The episode begins with a lighthearted banter among the hosts, quickly segueing into the serious topic of saints and their role in medieval Christianity. The hosts discuss how saints were pivotal in establishing Christianity as the predominant religion in the Western world, emphasizing their influence on power structures that lasted centuries.

Notable Quote:

Marcus Parks (02:05): "Today, however, we're going to explore how the saints of the Middle Ages played a huge role in the establishment of Christianity as the religion of choice for much of the Western world."

2. The Canonization Process

Ed Larson provides an overview of the canonization process, explaining that there were two primary pathways to sainthood: martyrs and non-martyrs. Martyrs, who were killed for their faith, required only one miracle for canonization. In contrast, non-martyrs, recognized for their virtuous lives, needed two miracles.

Notable Quotes:

Ed Larson (04:38): "This was a process called canonization. These days, there are two lanes by which one can become a saint: martyr or non-martyr."

Henry Zabrowski (04:19): "That's the best part."

3. Evolution and Centralization of Sainthood

As Christianity became more widespread, the number of martyrs dwindled, prompting the Church to broaden the criteria for sainthood. This expansion allowed the Church to centralize the canonization process, ensuring that only those who aligned with the Church's agenda could be recognized as saints.

Notable Quotes:

Ed Larson (08:05): "They packaged their famous podcast and then just give it to you, and then you suck it up like a bunch of dogs and pigs. And that's the change. That's the difference of when they took over canonization."

Henry Zabrowski (09:55): "That's how they got through everything. That's how I do it."

4. Relics and Relic Trading

A significant portion of the episode discusses relics—the physical remains or personal effects of saints—and their central role in medieval Christianity. Relics were believed to contain "virtus," a mystical power that could perform miracles. The hosts explore how relics were meticulously preserved, traded, and used to attract pilgrims, often leading to conflicts and "holy robberies" between communities.

Notable Quotes:

Ed Larson (20:36): "The relics of the saints would also be locally traded between communities based on who was most in need of saintly virtus."

Henry Zabrowski (32:49): "These French always jump to a conclusion."

5. The Role of Virtus and Miracles

"Virtus" was the term used to describe the supernatural power bestowed upon saints. It was believed that relics containing virtus could heal the sick and perform other miracles. The hosts discuss how peasants fervently sought these relics, leading to the commercialization of sainthood as relics became valuable commodities.

Notable Quotes:

Henry Zabrowski (20:54): "Which is going to make everybody super butthurt."

Ed Larson (35:00): "Nobody could pay, just hang out with it... it's like our old timey weed dealers."

6. Controversial and Bizarre Saints

The episode highlights several saints with particularly gruesome or unusual stories, illustrating the often brutal methods through which individuals were martyred or canonized.

• Saint Faith (Saint Foy): Martyred at age 12 by the Romans for refusing pagan sacrifices.

  Notable Quote:

  Henry Zabrowski (31:20): "Saint Faith was the actual patron."

• Vilafortis: A rebellious woman who prayed to become ugly to avoid an unwanted marriage, resulting in divine punishment.

  Notable Quote:

  Ed Larson (39:18): "Because Vilafortis was a rebellious woman who disobeyed her father and rebelled against the idea that a woman is a thing to be traded."

• Saint Guinefor the Greyhound: A dog mistakenly believed to have killed a child, leading to his sainthood.

  Notable Quote:

  Henry Zabrowski (50:24): "C'est la vie."

• Joseph of Cupertino: Allegedly able to levitate, his miracles were likely misinterpreted gymnastics.

  Notable Quote:

  Ed Larson (62:30): "He has probably the widest span of patrons being both a patron saint of intellectual disabilities and astronauts."

7. The Shift Towards Nobility and Clergy

As the Church sought to reinforce its authority, canonization increasingly favored nobility, royalty, and clergy over common folk. This strategic shift ensured that sainthood remained aligned with the Church's hierarchical structure, promoting the divine right of rulers and maintaining social order.

Notable Quotes:

Ed Larson (52:34): "But the point is, when dogs and farm workers started making the cut, the church realized that it needed to put the people in their place, both spiritually and socially."

Marcus Parks (53:54): "The dog ones probably sold a lot of amulets."

8. The Organization and Industry of Sainthood

By the late Middle Ages, the process of canonization had become highly regulated and centralized. The Church established strict protocols for investigating miracles and ensuring the virtues of potential saints. This bureaucratic approach transformed sainthood into an industry, mirroring modern organizational practices.

Notable Quotes:

Ed Larson (43:08): "They could ask conditionally for more time... people were like, hey, there's this guy. He's amazing. Make him a saint. Why not?"

Henry Zabrowski (42:54): "They just needed more time. It was also because the people were asking for it."

9. Critique and Satirical Commentary

Throughout the episode, the hosts employ humor and satire to critique the Church's manipulation of sainthood. They draw parallels between medieval practices and contemporary issues, highlighting the absurdity and corruption inherent in the system.

Notable Quotes:

Henry Zabrowski (40:22): "It's almost like you should then definitely stay because that's your trial. Congratulations."

Marcus Parks (66:50): "Can you be eaten by wolves? But this is like how we got like St. Edward, who was a king."

Henry Zabrowski (69:54): "Go kill somebody at the hotel and ask for forgiveness at St. Peter's. Hail Satan."

10. Conclusion and Future Episodes

The episode wraps up with the hosts teasing future content, including a three-part series and upcoming live shows. They maintain their irreverent humor, ensuring that while the subject matter is dark, the delivery remains engaging and entertaining.

Notable Quotes:

Henry Zabrowski (68:00): "Next week we begin a very large series that I'm very, very excited for. It's going to be a three parter."

Marcus Parks (69:48): "Nicole Blankenship. She's a fan that we lost this week, patron saint of Last Podcast Network."

Key Takeaways:

• Manipulation of Sainthood: The Catholic Church strategically expanded and centralized the canonization process to maintain power and influence.

• Economic Motivations: Relics and relic trading became lucrative, intertwining faith with economic interests.

• Bizarre Saints: Many saints have grisly or inexplicable stories, reflecting the complex interplay between faith, power, and societal norms.

• Shift in Focus: Over time, sainthood shifted from grassroots veneration to an elite, institutionalized process favoring the powerful.

• Satirical Lens: The hosts use humor to expose and critique historical religious practices, making complex and dark topics accessible and engaging.

This episode serves as a fascinating, albeit unsettling, exploration of how religion and power dynamics shaped the concept of sainthood during the Middle Ages. Through meticulous research and their characteristic humor, the hosts illuminate the often-ignored darker aspects of religious history.