Transcript

Marcus Parks (0:00)

Last podcast on the left is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game? Well, with the name your price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try it@progressive.com Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates Price and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states. Coming exclusively to AMC plus. What is this place? A gripping new AMC Studios original series you'll find soon enough. From executive producer Ridley Scott and acclaimed director Karin Kusama. Something feeds on our souls. Starring Dan Stevens, Judith Light and CCH Pounder.

Henry Zebrowski (0:44)

I am not okay.

Marcus Parks (0:45)

None of this is okay. The Terror Devil in Silver new limited series, May 7, exclusively on AMC plus there's no place to escape to.

Henry Zebrowski (0:55)

This is the last on the left side stories.

Marcus Parks (1:02)

That's when the cannibalism starts. Started side stories. Yes. Good. Eddie Larson. I just am so excited to be here with you.

Henry Zebrowski (1:19)

Oh my God. We got. Melania Trump is in the building. Exclusive interview. Exclusive interview.

Marcus Parks (1:25)

Oh no, I forgot my panties.

Henry Zebrowski (1:27)

Oh no. Where are they?

Marcus Parks (1:29)

Oh, I found them in this gulch.

Henry Zebrowski (1:31)

Now I have to ask, you know, while I got you in the room. What? What is it? I hear that there's rumors about you being a spy.

Marcus Parks (1:40)

No.

Henry Zebrowski (1:41)

What do you mean no?

Marcus Parks (1:43)

No. I will come out now to face all of these inflammatory rumors and lies about the poor slidey of American states. And the first thing I will say. Never Spy.

Henry Zebrowski (1:57)

I think.

Marcus Parks (1:59)

I can't see. I know here. I know.

Henry Zebrowski (2:01)

Last Podcast on the Left: Side Stories – "Gilgo Guilty"

Episode Date: April 15, 2026
Hosts: Henry Zebrowski, Marcus Parks
Guest/Co-host: Ed Larson

Episode Overview

This "Side Stories" episode dives into a whirlwind week of true crime, political scandal, and primate warfare. The hosts discuss Melania Trump's unexpected press conference about the Epstein saga, the confession of Gilgo Beach serial killer Rex Heuerman, shocking details from a cruise ship murder, and the ongoing, brutal chimpanzee civil war caught on film. The signature Last Podcast blend of dark comedy, deep-dive research, and unfiltered banter runs through every story.

Key Segments and Timestamps

1. Satirical Cold Open: Melania Trump Interview

[01:19–04:19]

The show kicks off with an over-the-top satire featuring Marcus and Henry roleplaying as Melania and Donald Trump, poking fun at recent rumors and controversies.
Memorable riff:
- Marcus as Melania: "Donald has the most wonderful touch around my bosoms. And he absolutely loves my full grown 57 year old body." (02:16)
- Henry (in character): "What is your favorite part about your husband’s body?"
  Marcus: "I love his soul." (02:31)
- Escalates absurdly: "I kill a girl in front of him every Christmas Day…" (02:52)

2. The Melania Trump–Epstein Conspiracy Web

[05:34–18:02]

Background: Melania Trump delivers a sudden press conference denying involvement with Jeffrey Epstein and calling for more victim investigations.
Hosts explore whether Melania was trying to pre-empt an emerging story linking her to Epstein and model agency mogul Paolo Zampoli.
- Details on Amanda Ungaro, Zampoli's partner, who threatened to expose details about Melania's past after a bitter custody battle involving ICE.
  Marcus: "Maybe Melania is trying to get in front of this Ungaro story... but this story is two months old." (10:15)
Theorizing about Melania's visa ("Einstein visa") and fabricated background in modeling and architecture:
- "She has an absolutely fake architecture design degree. None of that is real." (14:34)
Speculation about her true history, possible ties with Paolo Zampoli, Epstein, and even spycraft.
- "To be a passive spy is really easy… all a spy has to do is place a listening device." (16:24)
Notable line:
- "We have no idea really what her story is. We've tried to put it together. We don't quite know where she came from..." (17:05)
The segment closes with the hosts lampooning rich-person affectations, especially how Melania and the Epstein crowd communicate ("J.E.", "Sweet Pee," etc.) (24:02)

3. Updates and Big True Crime News:

A. The Rex Heuerman/Gilgo Beach Confession

[28:33–39:52]

Major announcement: Rex Heuerman (“the Long Island Serial Killer”) finally pleads guilty to eight murders, possibly more.
Discussion of how Heuerman emulated serial killers like Ed Kemper, learning to conduct “dry runs” to acclimate victims.
Henry: "He's one of the scariest people I've ever seen in my life." (29:16)
Fascination with Heuerman’s massive build — 6'8", 330 pounds — and mundane life as an architect.
Police tailing Heuerman: they nailed him using DNA from pizza crust, constant surveillance, and evidence troves.
- Marcus: "They finally go and they take a piece of pizza crust that he had left behind... That's why you always eat your crust." (34:37)
- "He had a whole planning document that even said 'destroy planning document.' Because he’s a fucking moron!" (35:00)
Analysis of sexual sadists and their "cooldown periods," and Heuerman’s decline in activity as he aged.
- "They go back and spend time with them, man. It's total control." (40:47)
The hosts promise a full episode on Heuerman ("We're absolutely gonna do a series", 39:52)

B. Cruise Ship Murder Update

[41:28–46:22]

Coverage of a Florida teen charged with violently murdering and sexually assaulting his stepsister onboard a Carnival cruise.
The hosts contrast the prevalence and impact of step-sibling pornography and its real-world consequences.
- Henry: "Stepbrother porn and stepsister porn… has to have something to do with this." (42:22)
Satirical asides about legality and Florida stereotypes:
- Marcus: "I thought it made legal there... to rape your stepsister. I thought it was legal there." (43:50)
The conclusion: “Browsers is not real.” Advice: "Your stepsister wants you as far away from her as possible." (44:29)
The case draws outrage and bleak humor as an emblem of cultural and legal rot.

4. P-Funk Fest & Live Show Stories

[51:01–55:46]

Ed shares behind-the-scenes stories MC’ing the first annual P-Funk Festival, leading the ribbon cutting with George Clinton, and the dynamic with a "foil" character, Holden as "Frank, the Unfunky Cop."
Memorable moment:
- Ed: "Honestly, I've never been so proud of myself… slowly won them over throughout the night." (53:12)
Stories of emotional tributes (like Ed reading a poem in a diaper while honoring Gary Scheider) capture the tone shift from true crime to joyous ridiculousness.

5. Chimpanzee Civil War Explored

[56:41–67:00]

Topic: The BBC reports a brutal eight-year civil war among Uganda's largest groups of chimpanzees.
The hosts deliver hilarious and insightful chatter on chimp social organization, warfare, cannibalism, Jane Goodall’s research, and evolutionary implications.
Notable lines:
- Marcus: "She’s never had sex with a chimpanzee. I know that. She hasn't." (58:04, responding to old rumors about Jane Goodall)
- Henry: "When at war, they turn cannibalistic… they kill the chimp and eat it in front of their families." (62:08)
- Marcus: "We're just… yeah. The percentage between us and them is like, what, like, like 2%?" (66:49)
The comparison to human conflict, Hatfields & McCoys, and evolutionary roots:
- "If chimpanzees can do so without human constructs of religion… then relational dynamics may play a larger causal role in human conflict than often assumed." (64:44)
The segment closes, as always, with a hypothetical about negotiating peace with chimps (with flashlights and peanut machines).

6. Listener Mail and D&D Monster Math

[70:47–78:28]

They read and riff on an ultra-detailed listener mail pitting 8 Frankenstein's monsters against the 1985 Chicago Bears — complete with D&D stats and probability calculations.
Henry tunes out as the math deepens:
- "I just had no idea D and D had this much math." (78:08)
Marcus: "Thank you for your service, my good sir. And also he said that took about 60 of our tax dollars." (78:28)

7. Final Notes / Political & Economic Rant / Closing

[80:01–End]

Brief rants about bad gas prices, the NASA space program's military connections, and the iconic Gil Scott-Heron poem "Whitey On The Moon" as a lens on US priorities.
Shout outs to upcoming tour dates, Patreon, and special guests. The episode wraps with their classic sign-offs and "Hail Satan!" (81:04)

Notable Quotes

On Melania’s press conference:
- Marcus: "Melania opened up a Pandora's box that has been just wonderfully, wonderfully open. Thank you. Thank you, Melania. Because it gives us an opportunity to ask these questions now." (07:27)
On Rex Heuerman’s confession:
- Henry: "He's just one of the scariest people I've ever seen in my life." (29:16)
On the adolescent cruise ship murderer:
- Marcus: "Browsers is not real. It's never going to be real." (44:28)
On chimpanzee war:
- Henry: "They kill the chimp and eat it in front of their families." (62:08)
- Marcus: "We're just 2% different." (66:49)
Listener email banter:
- Henry: "I just had no idea D and D had this much math." (78:08)
- Marcus: "Thank you for your service, my good sir." (78:28)
On priorities and social commentary:
- Marcus (reciting Gil Scott-Heron): "'Whitey's on the moon. The man just upped my rent last night. 'Cause Whitey's on the moon.'" (72:26)

Tone & Style

The episode is raucous, irreverent, frequently profane, and showcases the hosts' blend of intricate research, topical comedy, and grotesque humor. Insults, impressions, and asides are frequent and part of the substance rather than just color. Historical and media references abound.

Utility for New Listeners

For anyone who missed the episode, this summary presents:

The substance of every main story, including context and outcomes
The hosts' most memorable and outrageous quips
Proper attribution and direct (timestamped) quotes
A clear index of the show’s unique balance of humor, horror, and cultural critique

Warning: The content, true to the show, is explicit and darkly comedic.

Show Links

Full episode and show info: Last Podcast Network
Tour dates & special events: lpotl.com/live
Patreon for ad-free and bonus content: patreon.com/lastpodcastontheleft

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Side Stories: Gilgo Guilty