Side Stories: Gilgo Guilty

Summary

Last Podcast on the Left: Side Stories – "Gilgo Guilty"

Episode Date: April 15, 2026
Hosts: Henry Zebrowski, Marcus Parks
Guest/Co-host: Ed Larson

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Episode Overview

This "Side Stories" episode dives into a whirlwind week of true crime, political scandal, and primate warfare. The hosts discuss Melania Trump's unexpected press conference about the Epstein saga, the confession of Gilgo Beach serial killer Rex Heuerman, shocking details from a cruise ship murder, and the ongoing, brutal chimpanzee civil war caught on film. The signature Last Podcast blend of dark comedy, deep-dive research, and unfiltered banter runs through every story.

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Key Segments and Timestamps

1. Satirical Cold Open: Melania Trump Interview

[01:19–04:19]

• The show kicks off with an over-the-top satire featuring Marcus and Henry roleplaying as Melania and Donald Trump, poking fun at recent rumors and controversies.
• Memorable riff:
  • Marcus as Melania: "Donald has the most wonderful touch around my bosoms. And he absolutely loves my full grown 57 year old body." (02:16)
  • Henry (in character): "What is your favorite part about your husband’s body?"
    Marcus: "I love his soul." (02:31)
  • Escalates absurdly: "I kill a girl in front of him every Christmas Day…" (02:52)

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2. The Melania Trump–Epstein Conspiracy Web

[05:34–18:02]

• Background: Melania Trump delivers a sudden press conference denying involvement with Jeffrey Epstein and calling for more victim investigations.
• Hosts explore whether Melania was trying to pre-empt an emerging story linking her to Epstein and model agency mogul Paolo Zampoli.
  • Details on Amanda Ungaro, Zampoli's partner, who threatened to expose details about Melania's past after a bitter custody battle involving ICE.
    Marcus: "Maybe Melania is trying to get in front of this Ungaro story... but this story is two months old." (10:15)
• Theorizing about Melania's visa ("Einstein visa") and fabricated background in modeling and architecture:
  • "She has an absolutely fake architecture design degree. None of that is real." (14:34)
• Speculation about her true history, possible ties with Paolo Zampoli, Epstein, and even spycraft.
  • "To be a passive spy is really easy… all a spy has to do is place a listening device." (16:24)
• Notable line:
  • "We have no idea really what her story is. We've tried to put it together. We don't quite know where she came from..." (17:05)
• The segment closes with the hosts lampooning rich-person affectations, especially how Melania and the Epstein crowd communicate ("J.E.", "Sweet Pee," etc.) (24:02)

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3. Updates and Big True Crime News:

A. The Rex Heuerman/Gilgo Beach Confession

[28:33–39:52]

• Major announcement: Rex Heuerman (“the Long Island Serial Killer”) finally pleads guilty to eight murders, possibly more.
• Discussion of how Heuerman emulated serial killers like Ed Kemper, learning to conduct “dry runs” to acclimate victims.
• Henry: "He's one of the scariest people I've ever seen in my life." (29:16)
• Fascination with Heuerman’s massive build — 6'8", 330 pounds — and mundane life as an architect.
• Police tailing Heuerman: they nailed him using DNA from pizza crust, constant surveillance, and evidence troves.
  • Marcus: "They finally go and they take a piece of pizza crust that he had left behind... That's why you always eat your crust." (34:37)
  • "He had a whole planning document that even said 'destroy planning document.' Because he’s a fucking moron!" (35:00)
• Analysis of sexual sadists and their "cooldown periods," and Heuerman’s decline in activity as he aged.
  • "They go back and spend time with them, man. It's total control." (40:47)
• The hosts promise a full episode on Heuerman ("We're absolutely gonna do a series", 39:52)

B. Cruise Ship Murder Update

[41:28–46:22]

• Coverage of a Florida teen charged with violently murdering and sexually assaulting his stepsister onboard a Carnival cruise.
• The hosts contrast the prevalence and impact of step-sibling pornography and its real-world consequences.
  • Henry: "Stepbrother porn and stepsister porn… has to have something to do with this." (42:22)
• Satirical asides about legality and Florida stereotypes:
  • Marcus: "I thought it made legal there... to rape your stepsister. I thought it was legal there." (43:50)
• The conclusion: “Browsers is not real.” Advice: "Your stepsister wants you as far away from her as possible." (44:29)
• The case draws outrage and bleak humor as an emblem of cultural and legal rot.

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4. P-Funk Fest & Live Show Stories

[51:01–55:46]

• Ed shares behind-the-scenes stories MC’ing the first annual P-Funk Festival, leading the ribbon cutting with George Clinton, and the dynamic with a "foil" character, Holden as "Frank, the Unfunky Cop."
• Memorable moment:
  • Ed: "Honestly, I've never been so proud of myself… slowly won them over throughout the night." (53:12)
• Stories of emotional tributes (like Ed reading a poem in a diaper while honoring Gary Scheider) capture the tone shift from true crime to joyous ridiculousness.

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5. Chimpanzee Civil War Explored

[56:41–67:00]

• Topic: The BBC reports a brutal eight-year civil war among Uganda's largest groups of chimpanzees.
• The hosts deliver hilarious and insightful chatter on chimp social organization, warfare, cannibalism, Jane Goodall’s research, and evolutionary implications.
• Notable lines:
  • Marcus: "She’s never had sex with a chimpanzee. I know that. She hasn't." (58:04, responding to old rumors about Jane Goodall)
  • Henry: "When at war, they turn cannibalistic… they kill the chimp and eat it in front of their families." (62:08)
  • Marcus: "We're just… yeah. The percentage between us and them is like, what, like, like 2%?" (66:49)
• The comparison to human conflict, Hatfields & McCoys, and evolutionary roots:
  • "If chimpanzees can do so without human constructs of religion… then relational dynamics may play a larger causal role in human conflict than often assumed." (64:44)
• The segment closes, as always, with a hypothetical about negotiating peace with chimps (with flashlights and peanut machines).

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6. Listener Mail and D&D Monster Math

[70:47–78:28]

• They read and riff on an ultra-detailed listener mail pitting 8 Frankenstein's monsters against the 1985 Chicago Bears — complete with D&D stats and probability calculations.
• Henry tunes out as the math deepens:
  • "I just had no idea D and D had this much math." (78:08)
• Marcus: "Thank you for your service, my good sir. And also he said that took about 60 of our tax dollars." (78:28)

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7. Final Notes / Political & Economic Rant / Closing

[80:01–End]

• Brief rants about bad gas prices, the NASA space program's military connections, and the iconic Gil Scott-Heron poem "Whitey On The Moon" as a lens on US priorities.
• Shout outs to upcoming tour dates, Patreon, and special guests. The episode wraps with their classic sign-offs and "Hail Satan!" (81:04)

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Notable Quotes

• On Melania’s press conference:
  • Marcus: "Melania opened up a Pandora's box that has been just wonderfully, wonderfully open. Thank you. Thank you, Melania. Because it gives us an opportunity to ask these questions now." (07:27)
• On Rex Heuerman’s confession:
  • Henry: "He's just one of the scariest people I've ever seen in my life." (29:16)
• On the adolescent cruise ship murderer:
  • Marcus: "Browsers is not real. It's never going to be real." (44:28)
• On chimpanzee war:
  • Henry: "They kill the chimp and eat it in front of their families." (62:08)
  • Marcus: "We're just 2% different." (66:49)
• Listener email banter:
  • Henry: "I just had no idea D and D had this much math." (78:08)
  • Marcus: "Thank you for your service, my good sir." (78:28)
• On priorities and social commentary:
  • Marcus (reciting Gil Scott-Heron): "'Whitey's on the moon. The man just upped my rent last night. 'Cause Whitey's on the moon.'" (72:26)

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Tone & Style

The episode is raucous, irreverent, frequently profane, and showcases the hosts' blend of intricate research, topical comedy, and grotesque humor. Insults, impressions, and asides are frequent and part of the substance rather than just color. Historical and media references abound.

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Utility for New Listeners

For anyone who missed the episode, this summary presents:

• The substance of every main story, including context and outcomes
• The hosts' most memorable and outrageous quips
• Proper attribution and direct (timestamped) quotes
• A clear index of the show’s unique balance of humor, horror, and cultural critique

Warning: The content, true to the show, is explicit and darkly comedic.

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Show Links

• Full episode and show info: Last Podcast Network
• Tour dates & special events: lpotl.com/live
• Patreon for ad-free and bonus content: patreon.com/lastpodcastontheleft

Transcript

[Marcus Parks]

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[Henry Zebrowski]

I am not okay.

[Marcus Parks]

None of this is okay. The Terror Devil in Silver new limited series, May 7, exclusively on AMC plus there's no place to escape to.

[Henry Zebrowski]

This is the last on the left side stories.

[Marcus Parks]

That's when the cannibalism starts. Started side stories. Yes. Good. Eddie Larson. I just am so excited to be here with you.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh my God. We got. Melania Trump is in the building. Exclusive interview. Exclusive interview.

[Marcus Parks]

Oh no, I forgot my panties.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh no. Where are they?

[Marcus Parks]

Oh, I found them in this gulch.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Now I have to ask, you know, while I got you in the room. What? What is it? I hear that there's rumors about you being a spy.

[Marcus Parks]

No.

[Henry Zebrowski]

What do you mean no?

[Marcus Parks]

No. I will come out now to face all of these inflammatory rumors and lies about the poor slidey of American states. And the first thing I will say. Never Spy.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I think.

[Marcus Parks]

I can't see. I know here. I know.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Spirit.

[Marcus Parks]

Speak.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, so you were just a normal sex worker?

[Marcus Parks]

Three monkeys.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Three monkeys.

[Marcus Parks]

No see no speak.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, no see no speak.

[Marcus Parks]

No here speak. No. He.

[Henry Zebrowski]

You don't really care, do you?

[Marcus Parks]

No, I just. All I know is Donald has the most wonderful touch around my bosoms.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

And he absolutely loves my full grown 57 year old body.

[Henry Zebrowski]

What is your favorite part about your husband's body?

[Marcus Parks]

I love his soul.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, yeah?

[Marcus Parks]

Yes, justice.

[Henry Zebrowski]

So you're not physically attracted?

[Marcus Parks]

No, very personally attracted to him. His. His spirit and his attitude.

[Henry Zebrowski]

How do you get him in the mood? Now that you're like in your 50s, you know, how do you get him in the mood still? How do you get the spark going?

[Marcus Parks]

I kill a girl in front of

[Henry Zebrowski]

him

[Marcus Parks]

every Christmas Day. I tell him every morning we wake up, I say, merry Christmas, Donald. And he says, oh, you know Donald?

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

And then I him about. I bring him a child in the wrapping paper and we cut off his face. And then he gets.

[Henry Zebrowski]

He.

[Marcus Parks]

Oh yeah. Well, no, I can't tell. Long hair, but never See genitals. And then they go. And Donald gets so hard. So hard. 15 seconds. I have to hop on it. Yeah, hop on it. Doesn't get really good going. I kid. I kid. I don't have sex with him. I kid. You know me. So is Baron.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Is Baron his.

[Marcus Parks]

No, I'm Baron. Oh, you're.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, I understand now.

[Marcus Parks]

Yes.

[Henry Zebrowski]

You named the child after your own vagina.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now. Now that he has emptied it.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yes.

[Marcus Parks]

What about Baron? My sweet, beautiful boy. My sweet, beautiful boy, soon to be killed in Iran.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, that's so nice.

[Marcus Parks]

Yes. Very excited. Champ. Does not brought to him to go to Iran. Guess who gets to go to Iran now. Champs. Gonorrho. Not my fav. Welcome to side Stories. We're sending everybody to Iran. My name is Henry Zabrowski. I'm sitting here with Ed Larson. I know you thought I was Melania.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, my God, it's Henry. Yep. Oh, my God.

[Marcus Parks]

Same cup size.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, man. See, I was know what it is, is I. It was the beard that threw me

[Marcus Parks]

because she's his beard.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure, sure.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah. God, I wish he was gay. How much more fun would Trump be if he was gay? Oh, now, Melania Trump. The reason why we're about our lovely first lady is the fact that right after we recorded last week, which is par for the course here.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. No, no, no. That's what we do. Wednesday's a big news day, but still, we don't care.

[Marcus Parks]

I don't know how to fix this issue. We. We can change when we record because we're locked into the schedule. We can't just continue to record. I guess we can record multiple days a week and then just put them all together. Yeah, right.

[Henry Zebrowski]

It just doesn't make sense.

[Marcus Parks]

Try to see if we hit the news randomly.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

And then we could cobble the episode together.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Why don't we guessing.

[Marcus Parks]

Oh, God, love. Honestly, we should save a minute after each episode for what might happen when this episode is released. So when we released last week's episode, we had done a little bit of an update. Let's hit it right now. It's an island adventure. Heck, yeah.

[Henry Zebrowski]

It's Jeffrey time. That's right.

[Marcus Parks]

Now, last week, we were. We covered a little bit and we were like, oh, I just. I distinctly remember at the end of our conversation, we were like, oh. And then Melania put out this nothing burger statement saying I did nothing wrong. And then out of nowhere, out of nowhere. And that turned the whole world upside down again. Because it seems like for A second we had stopped talking about Jeffrey Epstein. And, you know, I'm even angry that we even stopped for a second. Second. Yeah, well, right. Like, I'm disappointed in me that we stop for a minute.

[Henry Zebrowski]

You got it. I mean, well, we talk about it in our real life, but occasionally it's just got to be aggravating to everybody.

[Marcus Parks]

Well, the war obviously became more entertaining to everybody. We had a. Purposely. I'm sorry, let me take that back. It's an operation that we just did randomly that had no point to it. Right. And we're just destroying our economy with it in order to distract from the Jeffrey Epstein story, which I think is really interesting, because then his wife, our president's wife, unprompted, came out to the front of the White House, did a press conference just to basically say, I had nothing to do with Jeffrey Epstein. All of those pictures that you're about to see or have been made up. I have never done this. I never slept with Jeffrey Epstein. I never. I didn't do this. I came here. She kind of did a little mini summary of her history for some reason.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Sounded real innocent.

[Marcus Parks]

Real innocent. I always. Not a victim. She's not a victim, but, I mean, she's involved, right? She did very. I am on the management. I do a bit of the. I am kind of a. Would you say, a spiritual advisor. And so. But Melania opened up a Pandora's box that has been just wonderfully, wonderfully open. Thank you. Thank you, Melania. Because it gives us an opportunity to ask these questions now. Because Melania decided to just bring Epstein back up into the fucking daylight. And she asked for more investigations, and she asked for the US Government to listen to the victims. Now, this is after.

[Henry Zebrowski]

It is interesting that she says that and we still mad at her. Well, the first time anyone said that.

[Marcus Parks]

Well, because. You know why? It's because obviously she's doing this for bad reasons. Yeah, she's a Melania Trump of. You don't know. You know.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Was this in the doc?

[Marcus Parks]

No, no, no. The doc. Like, didn't the doc have mostly to do with her, like, choosing plants d'?

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oeuvres? Yeah, I think. I don't know.

[Marcus Parks]

I refuse. I didn't give it money. I mean, it was directed by Brett Ratner. Oh, we know. So, you know.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

You know, it had a lot of action scenes, and, you know, I had a lot of being like. Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?

[Henry Zebrowski]

Do you think that happened last time I saw Brett Ratner in person, you know, who he was hanging out with.

[Marcus Parks]

Who?

[Henry Zebrowski]

Jordan Belford.

[Marcus Parks]

Oh, I've met Jordan Belford. He is an interesting character and an absolute con person. But for those of you that don't know. So Melania Trump, she apparently met Donald Trump at the Kit Kat Club by this guy. She was, like, introduced by this, the Italian Trump, Paolo Zampoli.

[Henry Zebrowski]

We brought him up on the show a couple of weeks ago. We're like, what about this guy? We were interested about this guy, and we didn't know.

[Marcus Parks]

Right. So I guess about two months ago. So one big question here is like, all right, so Melania Trump brought out all of this stuff, right? She.

[Henry Zebrowski]

She.

[Marcus Parks]

Immediately. She said, I wasn't guilty of all of these things. Immediately we're all like, why is she doing this? Is she trying to get ahead of something thing. The first thing that the media pointed to was this story about Paolo Zampoli's maybe wife, Girlfriend. Wife. We couldn't quite know their exact relationship, I believe. Right. But we know that they had, like, a common law relationship which led to a child custody battle. Now, the first thing that happened two months ago, a story came out from a woman by the name of Amanda Ungaro. Yes, by the name Amanda Ungaro, who was Paolo Zampoli's wife. Girlfriend. It seems like wife. Because they were having a custody battle over his. Their children.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

She was a model that was, like, turned into his. You know, like they've been together.

[Henry Zebrowski]

He picked her up at 16.

[Marcus Parks]

Yes. And they developed her into a wife, which I think is super crucial because that's what he did. He's a real estate developer. Well, he started in real estate. Well, no, he didn't. He started as a toy developer. He was in a toy company. Then he sold his father's toy company to get into the very famous, you know, famously lucrative market of model agency. He just started a modeling agency immediately. It's a big fat, fat Italian fuck is exactly what you think.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I look at a lady, I bring him around.

[Marcus Parks]

I show you the lady.

[Henry Zebrowski]

You know what I like about it?

[Marcus Parks]

When a lady is a little baby, I like it when a lady is a baby. And so he went. He. He was involved with Milani. So this, the way this first story starts. Like, maybe Melania is trying to get in front of this Ungoro story in which she came out and she said that the United States government, somebody Tipp, ripped off ICE in the middle of their custody battle. And she was picked up by ICE and Garo and then sent back home in the middle of their custody battle. And she reached out to Melania and said, we're friends. Why aren't you helping me? She eventually then took to Twitter to say, I'm now going to come out and tell the whole world everything I know about your relationship with Paulo. Yes, right. Which we're all like, oh, maybe she's trying to get in front of this story with her statement. But this story is two months old. Yeah. So Melania effectively kicked the story up. She did it. She is elevated.

[Henry Zebrowski]

We wouldn't be paying attention to this at all.

[Marcus Parks]

No, it was already out there. So now we know that that's the explanation. So then I was watching an interview with Michael Wolf, our favorite fucking reporter. He was saying, which I thought was interesting, is that he was wondering if the statement had anything to do with the direct accusations he made on a podcast about Epstein sleeping with Melania before Donald Trump and them met. So this was a big thing with Melania. She got really, really upset. Sent him a billion dollar defamation suit through the White House's lawyers. He's been fighting it, basically saying, we're allowed to say whatever we want about you guys. Essentially. We can conjecture, we can think about this, but also, it is a state fake. Like, seriously, I mean, I mean, so far he was trying to deal with, but he was wondering if it had something to do with his own personal battle with Melania because now Melania is suing him. They're trying to take it up to federal court. But he's also saying, that doesn't make any sense either because we're already in the middle of this thing. Why? What is she trying to get in front of? Don't know. Is she just saying it because she's so pudding brained, just like her husband, that she's just thinking that it is not time for me to make my stand? Who knows, it could be that too. There could be very much her just deciding randomly, being like, I just heard about these things and I must tell the world, because she knows. She's one of the people doing those things.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I could see a world where she, like, knows this exists, but has completely removed herself from society and television and just like walks around the White House and.

[Marcus Parks]

Well, she doesn't. She. They say that when she comes to the White House, it's like a visiting head of state. She's never. She doesn't live there. She lives in New York.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Tower in New York.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah, she lives in New York. She's not. She is a New York York resident. Essentially. She lives with her. A giant soon to Be murderer, son. And they do a whole God knows what they do in that.

[Henry Zebrowski]

From what I heard, she's banging one of the Tiffany's guards that like works in the store downstairs. Good for her. It's what I hear.

[Marcus Parks]

Go for her.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

But all of this is to be said is that no one knows what actually happened. So it seems that our Melania, over all of this discussion has been intensely controlling over her timeline and where she came from and what she did when she was a young woman.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Right.

[Marcus Parks]

Like going into research of her life is very interesting because there are no modeling books.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Even though we know her as a

[Marcus Parks]

model, quote unquote a model. But she was never a supermodel. Right. She was. She just did some gigs. She did a couple of things here and there. There was a. Now she got connected to Paolo Sampoli.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Dancer.

[Marcus Parks]

Dancer for money. She was. Yeah, she's a brass too. But that's not what they were saying. So we don't know. She called herself a model. She got linked up with these various guys. It seemed that Epstein, she had a massive Camel ad in 1997, which was her big break in America.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Okay.

[Marcus Parks]

Up until then she had very little. Like if you look at the Paolo Zampoli, like her modeling agency now is she the camel. She just literally got them two humps. They bellows it like. We don't know whether or not she got this gig because of Epstein or Paolo Zamboli up until this point.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Hopefully it was Paulo Zamboli because he's supposed to be a modeling agent.

[Marcus Parks]

But it seems that she came over to the United States of America on this Einstein visa. She has is an absolutely fake architecture design degree. None of that is real. We know that that's fake. We have no idea how she got this Einstein visa.

[Henry Zebrowski]

So she's not redesigning the ballroom. No.

[Marcus Parks]

Edd, No. I think. I think about ideas. And Donald comments at Tiny hand say no. Tiny hand say no. And so because it could be that she got this gig through Jeffrey Epstein because as she was coming over, it seemed that Paolo Zampoli had already handed her over to Jeffrey Epstein. Jeffrey Epstein and Paolo were all investing in the same modeling agencies over in Europe. Who also was Donald Trump. They all moved in the same circles. Donald Trump is a professional cuck. He loves having sex with other friends, wives. That is a thing that Michael Wolf has said he loves. He is a professional at sloppy seconds. He loves knowing that a guy he likes has made love to a woman first because he's disgust. He's just interesting Guy. And so Jeffrey Epstein probably hinted to him about Melania. Now, again, where does Melania come from? This little town in Slovenia. Her old boyfriend, a guy by the name of like, Lurker Snorchnic. A guy. Jury Zorczyk.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Okay.

[Marcus Parks]

He is her, like her old Slovenia boyfriend who's like a rich guy back there. And he was like. She never talked about America. She was going to be here. She was going to stay in Europe and live the fashion life in Europe then. Easygoing, kind of flitting between worlds. And I think that Donald Trump sort of promised her the same thing. You're going to come into here, I'm going to get you some of these modeling gigs. You're going to have an easy life for the rest of your life. And I think that Melania was really interested in that. And also because she's probably a passive spy for any one of these agencies. Now, to be a passive spy is really easy.

[Henry Zebrowski]

That would mean that she has some sort of intelligence.

[Marcus Parks]

No.

[Henry Zebrowski]

You think that a spies can be stupid.

[Marcus Parks]

Yes. All a spy has to do is place a listening device. All a spy has to do is say, these are XY things. I've heard that's all spies got to do is be embedded and present. So once you're in there.

[Henry Zebrowski]

So who would you be a spy for, Russia?

[Marcus Parks]

Anybody. Anybody who wants to pay you money to get secrets from inside of the White House. It doesn't. Again, I don't know.

[Henry Zebrowski]

She's been with him for long and I'm just. Yes, she's been with him long enough where he wasn't even trying to be president.

[Marcus Parks]

I. When she.

[Henry Zebrowski]

When they were got together.

[Marcus Parks]

Yes. And I think that that was probably one of the big contingencies is that it would not go farther than this. And then. I'm just throwing things out there.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I like it. No, I'm just saying I was throwing things out there.

[Marcus Parks]

I have no idea. The main issue is the fact that we have no idea. We have no idea really what her story is. We've tried to put it together. We don't quite know where she came from, but it does seem that she probably. But who knows now we might get sued by the White House, hopefully. Because that'd be great. Yeah. Honestly, we need the numbers.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Would they sue us? Or Sirius and Netflix?

[Marcus Parks]

Hopefully them. Hopefully them. And then we could just be like, we're little artists. How am I supposed to know? You know, I don't know.

[Henry Zebrowski]

You know, we don't know if this is true or. Now we're Just asking questions.

[Marcus Parks]

Yes, well, we just. I'm now deeply invested in what Melania knows and what she's going to do about it.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, well, she obviously knows something. She was on the plane. I mean, there's plenty of reports of her banging Trump on the plane. And that's how he met. We're talking about now that she met through Paulo Zampolo.

[Marcus Parks]

Was she fake? This Kit Kat Club meeting? Yeah, the whole famous meeting where she met and that Donald Trump asked her for her number and she said, no, you give me yours. And then he gave her his number because he was separated from his wife at the time. And he was like, oh, yeah, sure. And then everyone joked with Melania. I was reading an article from 2017 about Melania about how they met and they were joking with her being like, oh, what is it about Donald you love? Is it the tiny hands? Is it the comb over? And she said, said no, he's a real man.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, God.

[Marcus Parks]

Which is not true. Yeah, man could barely get it up. You can barely get it up. He's got a little tiny penis, he

[Henry Zebrowski]

can't walk and he has to drink water with two hands. Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

So he's definitely like, he's a real, like, in terms of like, he farts and shits and pisses and. Yeah, real men. Really?

[Henry Zebrowski]

You usually don't punch 13 year olds in the face while they're giving them head?

[Marcus Parks]

No, never.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Real men usually don't do that.

[Marcus Parks]

No, no, you, you know, normally you wake up screaming from that horrible dream.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

Also what I wanted to get into a little bit was Jeffrey Epstein's connections into Chipriani's and Soho House.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, really?

[Marcus Parks]

All of this?

[Henry Zebrowski]

I love Soho House.

[Marcus Parks]

Off the list. Come on. No, Cipriani's is like, it was the favorite place of Trump, Paolo Zampoli. All of these prostitutes went through Cipriani. All of these sex people were literally trafficked through the restaurant. They were trafficked through Solo House. Also, Jeffrey Epstein was specifically giving hooking people up with Cipriani and Solo House memberships as a way to like as little thank yous.

[Henry Zebrowski]

That's why they're so expensive.

[Marcus Parks]

That's why they're filled with fucking dickheads. Oh, and predators.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Well, the good thing about predators, they don't talk to you when you're around.

[Marcus Parks]

You see, that's the thing is that

[Henry Zebrowski]

you just go and get your work done and they'll shut up.

[Marcus Parks]

And true. It's like if you've ever been into a Delta lounge of Milwaukee, you understand what that means. Right. Because these Midwest businessmen chat you up forever. All they want to do is yap, yap, yap about whatever garbage it is.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Let me tell you about plastic.

[Marcus Parks]

Just be like, I'd rather be dead.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I'd rather be dead.

[Marcus Parks]

Tell me you're a human trafficker. At least that's interesting. But that's why I didn't go to Soho House.

[Henry Zebrowski]

You've been to Soho House?

[Marcus Parks]

Can't be the side of it. But I'm not a member.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I'm not a member either, but, you know, Yeah, I. I think it's more because I couldn't afford it, but, hey,

[Marcus Parks]

Eddie, now you can afford to be a pervert. But, yeah, I guess that's really all I wanted to get into because. And. But also, all this comes from Michael Wolf. Michael Wolf, though, I think is interesting in the fact that he knows more than anybody. And whatever you think about him, and his call on this is just straight up, we have no idea what that press conference meant, and we have not gotten any answers yet.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yet. Yeah, so she saw some. Someone, like, showed her some pictures that they found.

[Marcus Parks]

Maybe she also would. Because you also remember she said that she didn't know Jiz Lane. Meanwhile, cut through the email that we have Jiz Lane calling her Sweet Pee. And they all, like, you know, their little things back and forth. There was a bunch of stuff deleted. She. She's. Melania is a liar as well, of course. So Melania is also not that brilliant of a liar. I also thought it was amazing is that one of the big holes in her history came from several photographers saying, the thing that's interesting about Melania is that, yes, she's objectively beautiful. She's a beautiful editorial face. But they were all like, she is shockingly bad at modeling.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

She's bad at the job.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Well, she doesn't have. She only has one face.

[Marcus Parks]

Well, she doesn't. She just has a severe. Well, she kind of smiles in these old ones. But most of them have something. They all specifically said she didn't have the chops to be a model. So all of these guys had.

[Henry Zebrowski]

That's why she had to. This guy. Yes.

[Marcus Parks]

And I think that, honestly, Melania does not want to talk about. Her main goal in life was to fuck a Donald Trump and to just allow that life to coast for her. But that's not a crime, Melania. It's not a crime to be a lazy woman.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

Okay. It's not a crime. You could have lived that life, and guess what? None of us would have heard of you and you would be having the time of your life right now. And Melania, I have a tip for you. You divorce him.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I mean, that'd be wild.

[Marcus Parks]

Do it right now. Go divorce him.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I mean, she got to be careful. I mean, like, one of his ex wives randomly fell down the stairs mysteriously. Now she's buried on his property.

[Marcus Parks]

Melania's on that reformer every three days. Melania has a sense of balance, Melania. You know where the bodies are buried. This is your time, Melania. This is your freedom. This is. I'm calling to you, Melania. You could get out. You could get out.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Man Call to Amanda Ungaro.

[Marcus Parks]

Man, Call Amanda.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I want her. I want to. I want to know everything she knows. She says she could bring the whole thing down. I wanted to do it.

[Marcus Parks]

Well, yeah. Where are we at with that?

[Henry Zebrowski]

What the. Are you. What do you mean? You're. What it's like now. It's like. What, are you extorting them with a quickness now? I don't like you because you would just tell us if you knew if you were doing the right thing.

[Marcus Parks]

She's not even extorting them because she would have gotten the money already. He. They were very fine with paying people for what trial.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

But also. Yeah, they deported her, and she should immediately be

[Henry Zebrowski]

in a detention camp.

[Marcus Parks]

Yep. And the fact that she's not spilling the beans is also really interesting, which shows that Paolo Zampoli is something on her. And I also think that guy's probably pretty dangerous because Jeffrey Epstein said so as much as when he was talking with a Russian spy about the. About hanging out with Zampoli. And he said, be very, very careful. Hanging out with him. Him. And then he followed up with. He always tells stories to the press.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Interesting. So there we go. Now we're talking. Now. Now we're here. Now stories are coming out.

[Marcus Parks]

These stories are getting. It's getting bigger and bigger and bigger, and Melania brought it back up from the dead. And I want to say thank you.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I want to. Here's something I noticed about this email Melania sent to just Lane. And I noticed a lot of the people always called Jeffrey Epstein J. E. Yeah, but like, Like, I would never be, like, you know, HZ you know, I would never.

[Marcus Parks]

I'd be like, I'm not a billionaire.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. Yeah, but you say Jeff, you say Mr. Epstein, you know, like, you know,

[Marcus Parks]

there are a lot of. I feel like that is a. It's a rich person's affectation.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

I think that's a rich person's affectation.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, because I. That's. That's a bizarre thing to me. I never really understood that, but I

[Marcus Parks]

like our buddy Billy Wayne. I'm gonna start calling him BW B Dubs. BW is a good name. BW3.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Because he's got three names.

[Marcus Parks]

Wow. Yep.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. Oh, he's famous. Yeah. Yeah. We're going to be with him in Alaska this week and I'm very excited. We still got some tickets left for Fairbanks in Portland.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah. Come up to the fucking middle of nowhere. And also Portland. Where are we at in Portland?

[Henry Zebrowski]

We're at the Siren.

[Marcus Parks]

That's right.

[Henry Zebrowski]

On 420. Yeah. We're getting stoned in Portland, dude.

[Marcus Parks]

Come out. We're gonna be so fucking high.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah, we're gonna.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, it's gonna be great.

[Marcus Parks]

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[Henry Zebrowski]

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[Marcus Parks]

let's get into some other news. Eddie, we have again another big update.

[Henry Zebrowski]

We got two big updates, but like. Yeah, I mean, yeah, so we gotta. I think this show's mostly updates today.

[Marcus Parks]

Well, well updates, but also new fucking information that it has come to light because of the updates. Rex Heuerman.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, this is the biggest one. I've been wanting to talk about this for so long.

[Marcus Parks]

This is a story I've been kind

[Henry Zebrowski]

of avoiding because you haven't let me. And now we can.

[Marcus Parks]

Yes, because. Well, the reason why I was avoiding it was because I wanted to like get some closure on it before we talked about it because everybody was already calling him guilty. There was all of these documentaries, Face

[Henry Zebrowski]

and Body and he's just, he's a

[Marcus Parks]

literal inevitable evidence monster. I mean there was so much evidence.

[Henry Zebrowski]

So he's one of the scariest people I've ever seen in my life.

[Marcus Parks]

He is a view. He was a very scary individual. Rex Heuerman, he has come out and he has finally pled guilty to eight murders. He is the Long island serial killer. He is Lisk. We know that the Gilgo Beach 4, that was when he was first arrested as a suspect. And these four women that have went. Four sex workers that were found on Gilgo beach in 2010 and then from then on like list kind of went away. Lisk went away there. They didn't know quite what he was doing. And it turns out he was hiding in plain sight. Rex heuerman, he's a 6 foot 8, 330 pound, hulking, swollen eyed beast who is a evil. He came out and he basically just went. His voice is amazing. Yeah, his voice is. When they were like, do you plead guilty? Yes, yes I do. Yes.

[Henry Zebrowski]

He's just trying to sign defenseless.

[Marcus Parks]

Yes. No. Because then also when they first accused him, he cried and he was like, I would never do it. But it seems that, you know, there was so much fucking evidence. First of all, there was the.

[Henry Zebrowski]

How did he get. It's so crazy that like someone so massive could get away with murdering people for so long.

[Marcus Parks]

You know what I find interesting is this is I think why it took so long and then why they work so, so hard to nail his ass after the fact. So Rex Heuerman lived on Long island surrounded by police boys with the cops

[Henry Zebrowski]

hung out with them all the time.

[Marcus Parks]

His number one subject thing that he was a fascinated with was serial killers. Rex Heuerman is one of those guys. He was a full fanboy of somebody specific. Ed Kemper, another big boy. And so what he did was he read the book Mindhunter and he got really into reading about Ed Kemper and he learned from Ed Kemper, he learned from Ed Kemper about how when he understood Ed Kemper for fat guys myself,

[Henry Zebrowski]

like whenever I see a lineman pick up the ball and start running for the end zone, I get so excited.

[Marcus Parks]

I mean same. I, I miss fat actors. I miss many fat act. I miss fat ugly actors.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, no, I'm always rooting for him every time.

[Marcus Parks]

And so Ed Ger, six foot again. Eight, nine. I want. He was nine. He, he was called the co Ed Killer. He was one of those. He be around ucla. He murdered his mother. Decapitated her. He would do dry. He said. So basically Rex Heuerman learned from him, from this monster number one. Ed Kemper knew that his size Might make women nervous. So he began to do dry runs where he would see how a woman would react if he put him into the car and then drove them past where he told them he was going to take them because he would pick up hitchhikers. So that's the first experiment. He would try to see these things just to see what people would do. Rex Uhman knew that's like science experiment shit.

[Henry Zebrowski]

That's like hypothesis mixed with, you know,

[Marcus Parks]

all you have to be is a tremendous loser. And you can devote a lot of hours into killing women. Like you just have to be. Not have anything else going on. You know what I mean? You just have to be a talentless, fat faced loser. Incel. Right.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

So Rex Herman learned from this because. Which is interesting because he had a wife and kids. But it wasn't enough. He's a sexual sadist. So he's one of those guys that kills and tortures for fun. Like he likes to do. That is the pleasure that comes like is all of the. The, the.

[Henry Zebrowski]

So the women they found were like

[Marcus Parks]

mutilated and well, they were. They were taken apart because he was moving the body. So this is one of those interesting things. I was.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I don't really know much about this whole case, to be honest with you.

[Marcus Parks]

So it is. We now know it's eight sex workers, probably 12 that were murdered. They were left along the Gilgo beach area in Long island for the last. Last like 20 years.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. It's a long time.

[Marcus Parks]

So they had been once they finally nailed him. How they nailed him was that they. They put his very specific car at two separate scenes. He had bought this. A giant man's car.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. You're not killing a Camry.

[Marcus Parks]

It's a yes. But he couldn't fit in a Camry. So he had a green avalanche. Ever seen an avalanche? No. Look at the show. Show it Rob an avalanche. It's an extremely specific big man's car, especially in Long island. Right. Was forest green. That was the first thing they. Then it's pretty cool. They tracked him back to his house. So according to police, whether you believe this or not, they put a stop on reporting of list because they were like in their minds what I do think it does make sense. He's like they like. We wanted Lisk to go to sleep. We wanted Lisk to go to sleep so that when he went to sleep we could go looking for him. Right. Because we're going to put the pressure on, which is what he did. They hid a bunch of stuff behind. They eventually Pulled all these things together. They found out about this giant man in an avalanche, Right? Because at first they didn't know whether or not Avalanche was his nickname, and then they finally realized it was a car. Right, because they kept saying Avalanche. They tied him to that. They followed him for a while. They see that he's this big, huge, lumbering guy. They finally go and they take a piece of pizza crust that he had left behind. Right, which is why you always eat your crust. Yeah, always eat your crust.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, I know you're trying to cut your carbs there, right?

[Marcus Parks]

That's not the time, man. That's the time.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, man.

[Marcus Parks]

And so the cops basically corroborated the DNA from the pizza. The pizza to the piece of hair

[Henry Zebrowski]

crust is sitting in his car.

[Marcus Parks]

No, he had. They followed him. Him. Oh, and he threw it out the window.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Like a cigarette?

[Marcus Parks]

No, he put it in a trash can.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, okay.

[Marcus Parks]

And they picked it out of the trash can. And so they. They. He had so much evidence, again, so that when they got him, they actually worked. It worked. The plan worked. He had went to sleep. So they got everything. They got all the hard drives, all the cars, all the cell phones. He had no time to get rid of anything. He had so much evidence on him. Between the planning documents, he had a whole planning document that had all of the things he wrote down, which burn those. He even wrote on the planning document. Destroy planning document. Because he's a fucking moron. He's a fucking idiot. These are all guys that think that they're smarter than they are, because finish your list, people.

[Henry Zebrowski]

You make the list for a reason, get to the end of it. Once you cross it all off, then

[Marcus Parks]

you celebrate, then the list is done. I was looking at this one really interesting video that came from a podcast called Sinister with Joss Zaman. I don't really know very well, but this guy came on Mark Safarik, who was an FBI profiler. He does an hour long, uninterrupted talk about Rex Heuerman. And he said, one of the things that's interesting about sexual status is because they take a lot of time. Btk, Green River Killer. Like, he became like, they take a lot of time.

[Henry Zebrowski]

A killer was an idiot.

[Marcus Parks]

But they all take. You don't have to be an idiot to plan.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, right.

[Marcus Parks]

You have to be a genius to plan. You know, I mean, you just need time. And so at first, our list, he was spending a lot of time planning. And this guy, this. FBI profilers, as if you notice the bodies go from farthest Point to closest point. So you could see his very first kill. He drove as far out as he could.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Because he was scared.

[Marcus Parks]

Because he was scared. But then you watch him get more comfortable with each killer kill. And then you watch him see exactly where he put the body. Which I thought was really interesting. He's like. Serial killers don't use curves and roads. They don't use blind hills. They use these things. You want a flat stretch of road in which you can see miles down either way of a highway for hours at night.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Gotcha. So this sense.

[Marcus Parks]

So it's like this stuff. What's very interesting.

[Henry Zebrowski]

The you don't want a Fargo situation.

[Marcus Parks]

No. And sexual sadists also the plannings and is also part of the kink. It's a part of the whole sexual thing. So he. He became his whole life. And then I do think it was also interesting that the FBI. FBI profiler finds out he's like normally too with sexual sadists. They die out like in terms of their crime. Their criminality dies out like around the

[Henry Zebrowski]

age of 50 when they start going impotent. Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

And that when they start losing the want you start to see it go. And you see it here too. Around 47 years old. Rex Yourman. He can't even get it up for murder in anymore.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. So he probably. I'm sure his heart is. Heart's all clogged and yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

He's big fat piece of. You can hear him like that's one of the worst parts of the. When he comes in to plead guilty was that you just hear man, he's got that James Gandolfini resting snore. Oh you know, like you ever see. You ever see James Gandolfini's last movie?

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

You can hear it on his love mike. Yeah.

[Henry Zebrowski]

They couldn't do nothing.

[Marcus Parks]

There's nothing you could do about it.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Or like I said. Right.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah yeah, yeah. Where it's same thing Rex human is standing next it to.

[Henry Zebrowski]

To it.

[Marcus Parks]

You know, towering big fat evil meatball just going. Yeah.

[Henry Zebrowski]

They'll just find him dead from sleep apnea in his cell one day.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah. He'll die in there. And I think that largely the reason why he pled guilty because he was going to fight it. But I think the reason why he pled guilty is because he did not want to bring his family into it.

[Henry Zebrowski]

He's a family.

[Marcus Parks]

Oh yeah. Well his daughter was already getting pulled into it and she was defending him too. Yeah. Like. Cuz she was just a.

[Henry Zebrowski]

She was.

[Marcus Parks]

She was just a goth girl Girl who is into, like, murder podcasts. She's involved. They were gonna destroy her.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, man. Well, she's got to be really excited.

[Marcus Parks]

But I do find it interesting. It's finally me. Oh, I knew this would finally happen to me. But. Yeah, that's a. Yeah, that's the Rex you Wereman update. We are absolutely gonna do a series. Yeah.

[Henry Zebrowski]

There has to be more, right?

[Marcus Parks]

Oh, well, 12, at least 20 years.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I mean, like, that's less than one year.

[Marcus Parks]

20 is quite a bit.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Is it?

[Marcus Parks]

Yes.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Okay. Because I don't know. I don't understand.

[Marcus Parks]

Like, I thought killed, like, what would happen is. Is that.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Did he do it, like, in bundles, or did he do it, like one every, like, year and a half?

[Marcus Parks]

It seemed he would do, like, 1 1, 1 3.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Interesting.

[Marcus Parks]

That's kind of how he did it. There's cooldown periods between them, too. That's part of the whole serial killer thing. And he's. He's getting psychological feedback from planning the next one. So Rex Hurman, we're absolutely gonna do a last podcast on the left on him at some point. Just because somebody being amongst the police, being embedded in police.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Construction guy. Right.

[Marcus Parks]

He was an architect.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

He actually had a high. He actually has an architectural degree. Unlike Melania. He was, you know. That's crazy.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. Wasn't he, like, respected in the arc. In the community?

[Marcus Parks]

No, he had a job. He worked for the city.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Okay.

[Marcus Parks]

You know, he was like an accredited real architecture guy. Like, he was like a real.

[Henry Zebrowski]

That could be bodies, like, in cement and who knows?

[Marcus Parks]

Knows.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Right.

[Marcus Parks]

Who knows? He has a lot of. I'm just saying, we. He. We got him. He has decided to put himself to bed. He doesn't get to wear suits anymore, and he's going to be very safe in jail.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

So usually they stick to, like, their thing, too. His thing was just dropping them off at the beach. And girls. Yeah, and girls.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

So he probably. There's a lot of talk about more than likely he went back to visit them.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

Because we now know that that's like a major MO Of a sexual sadist.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Really? Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

Oh, yeah. They go back and spend time with them, man. It's total control.

[Henry Zebrowski]

It's so weird. Like, just go.

[Marcus Parks]

You're right, Eddie. It is really weird. I never thought of it like that before.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. It's like, I. I mean, because I always look at them from a rational angle, you know? Like, I try to look at it like, all right, I'm a serial killer. How would I get away with it? First Thing I would do is not go back to the body.

[Marcus Parks]

Well, again, Eddie, you don't want to have sex with these bodies. You're not as. You know what you're really missing, Eris, you're not a serial killer. So that's the problem is that you're missing the motivation. Because that's what it's about. It's about motivation.

[Henry Zebrowski]

You're right. You're right, you're right.

[Marcus Parks]

All right, we have another update.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh my God.

[Marcus Parks]

Another fucking update.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Finally. This one's brought to you by Crime Wave at sea.

[Marcus Parks]

[e-mail] la last it's sponsoring this story because we don't go on carnival.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, that's right. We won't do it. Life is a carnival. But not for these people. Florida teen officially is facing a life sentence in the cruise ship killing. Yes. The 16 year old is officially charged with murdering his 18 year old stepsister.

[Marcus Parks]

So. Well, we knew this. But the interesting. Well, the horrible thing is the update is that she was. Yes. And sexually assaulted. So that is indeed true.

[Henry Zebrowski]

A little bit of like I was trying to my best to give this kid like a little bit of like, oh, maybe it was an accident or rough house.

[Marcus Parks]

You were really trying.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

And then it was.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I can't anymore. It's official. Like, he's. Yeah, he sucks.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah. Dude. Yeah. Guess what, man. It's too much porn out there, man.

[Henry Zebrowski]

It really.

[Marcus Parks]

We got to know porn's not real. Yeah.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I can't help but think about that, like how like stepbrother porn and stepsister porn like has to have something to do with this. Yeah. You know, but also it does. It.

[Marcus Parks]

It doesn't. I don't know, man.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I mean, I know it does. It does.

[Marcus Parks]

It does.

[Henry Zebrowski]

You know, like.

[Marcus Parks]

Well, you know the thing about.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Why can't you just want to a person you mow.

[Marcus Parks]

It's still legal.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Why does it have to be like what?

[Marcus Parks]

It's still crazy illegal to have se sex with your step sibling.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, it's legal. I know, but I just feel like you put all that evil juju in the air and this is what happens. It comes back to bite you eventually.

[Marcus Parks]

Well, I think that there's a distinct difference between the presence of porn and somebody becoming so wrapped up up in the pornography that they believe that the scenarios are happening for real. And when you're already when you're a little dude and you have no idea because you're using.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I think I'm become pleats delivery guy and I'm get laid all the time.

[Marcus Parks]

Well. Oh. My stepsister's now in the cruise bedroom with me. That. I've seen that in three of my websites. I was a plumber. Yes. It's not. No, it's not. No, I know it's not. No. You see a lot of guys like me. Yeah. Going. Yeah. The patience in here. Yeah. We had a long time. Thanksgiving.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

It was me. Murray, they're liars. Who is my old buddy. Yeah. Phil the spreader. He did concrete.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

And he gaped for gay porn.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. But this. Phil, this happened in Florida. So this kid could be.

[Marcus Parks]

No, no, no. I thought that it made legal there.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

[Marcus Parks]

To. To rape your stepsister. I thought it was legal there because they said that. That it was. It was. She was asking for it by getting involved with the. Be. Them being their parents.

[Henry Zebrowski]

It's northern Florida.

[Marcus Parks]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, yeah. South Florida.

[Marcus Parks]

Do you have to deal with that around the. The. Did you have a lot of. At the p. Funk Festival, did you have a lot of stepbrothers and stepsisters hanging out there or.

[Henry Zebrowski]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. The People Festival. There were no steps. We'll get it.

[Marcus Parks]

We'll.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I don't want to attach them to the story.

[Marcus Parks]

You don't. So that. That's all the update is, is to show that unfortunately, browsers is not real.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

Don't let them. It's not real. It's never going to be real. No. Your stepsister doesn't want to have sex with you. Your stepsister sister definitely doesn't. Your stepsister wants you far away from her. Assumingly possible. Yeah, but on the. But I will say. Eddie, I know what you're saying. On the little screen, it's okay. They're actors and actresses. But I do think on some level we should probably steer it back to I miss employment based pornography.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. You like that?

[Marcus Parks]

I miss employment based.

[Henry Zebrowski]

But that's bad too.

[Marcus Parks]

No, it's not. What are you talking about?

[Henry Zebrowski]

That's the whole me too movement.

[Marcus Parks]

But that's fun. Again, Eddie, I'll say. This is where I'll maybe even speak to slightly. Power play dynamics in a sexual situation make a lot of sense in terms of simulated sexual play. Those power dynamics is where you would explore those. That. In a. An environment like that. In my.

[Henry Zebrowski]

As long as the lady's doing the interviewing.

[Marcus Parks]

You got it. You got it.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Eddie, I need a disclosure situation.

[Marcus Parks]

Oh, believe me.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

Oh, no, I'm talking about the woman boss.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

No, no, no, I don't like the woman secretary. I like the woman boss.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I am.

[Marcus Parks]

I'm all about that. Y' all know me well. This 16, y' all know know my MILF style.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. This 16 year old is now facing federal counts of first degree murder and aggravated sexual abuse. Bye bye now. Is first degree the right thing to put on this?

[Marcus Parks]

Yes, very much so.

[Henry Zebrowski]

You think so?

[Marcus Parks]

Yep. It was all planned and sponsored by Carnival cruises. And that's the worst part, which is why over a crime wave at don't go on carnival because, yeah, we like to treat our fans like royalty.

[Henry Zebrowski]

That's right.

[Marcus Parks]

Royal Caribbean lines truly one of the most beautiful bit. One of the most beautiful ships you can be on and some of the best entertainment possible over at crime wave at sea.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, yes. Going to jump in the shower now. Oh, taking off my pants. There goes the underwear. Uh. Oh, my shirt's off now too. Yes. Those are my breasts.

[Marcus Parks]

Hello. Hello.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Ha.

[Marcus Parks]

Who's that?

[Henry Zebrowski]

Who's looking at me? Hey, hey, don't look at here. This is my bathroom. Hey, keep your eyes. Oh, it's legal for you to just look from your house into my house. Oh, man, I gotta get some blinds. I'm gonna go to blinds.com. that's right. Because I heard that blinds.com, they've actually been selling blinds for 30 years. You believe that? 30 years I've had no blinds. What's wrong with me? I'm so stupid. But now I'm getting blinds. That's it. I'm going to blind stock blinds dot com. I'm gonna get these. Yeah, the sideways ones are. Maybe I should do the ups and downs. You know what, I'm gonna ask a professional. Oh, I can go full DIY or bring in a licensed or vetted pro. That's amazing. I'm gonna finally have some privacy so I can play with my privates in private. Right now, blinds.com is giving our listeners an exclusive of $50 off when you spend 500 or more. Just use the code left at checkout. Limited time offer rules and restrictions apply. See blinds.com for details. Yo, what's going on, everybody? Did you know that I have a wonderful wife who makes my backyard nice? And no, I'm not talking about about my tush. I'm talking about my actual backyard. It's beautiful back there. She's working so hard and she's making it great. There's a fire pit now. There's all kinds of cool plants and trees. And that's the best part is we got this account with fast growing trees and she was able to order some May night salvia and a fire witch dianthus plant. I don't know what they are but they're beautiful. I know that much. I know that they're in front of the my neighbor's wall that I had to look at for all these years and the paint's chipping off and I ain't gonna paint it because it's not

[Marcus Parks]

my wall, it's my neighbor's wall and

[Henry Zebrowski]

I ain't painting that. So you know what we do? We go bleep bleep bleep bleep bloop bloop bloop. Thank you fast growing tree trees. We're gonna cover that wall with a bunch of fire witch dianthus plant. I never heard of it but it's gorgeous. It's purple and it sits all over the chipped paint and I'll go look at that mess no more because of fast growing trees and my wonderful wife. So right now they have great deals on spring planting essentials. Up to half of select plants and listeners to our Show show get 20 off their first purchase when using the code left at checkout Offer is valid for a limited time. Terms and conditions may apply. Make your life better with fast growing trees.

[Marcus Parks]

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[Henry Zebrowski]

Well now that we're done talking about this kid murdering assistant P Funk fest was wonderful.

[Marcus Parks]

And Arno

[Henry Zebrowski]

it was totally legal. Oh wow. A lot of fun.

[Marcus Parks]

That is great. Now what was your favorite? What was the favorite moment?

[Henry Zebrowski]

So I have a couple favorite Moments. But I gotta say, first off, shout out to Shonda Clinton and Shoshana Zisk. They put on an amazing festival. They were so much fun to work with. Shonda Clinton, she is the sativa diva. I didn't realize it until I met her. I'm like, you're sativa diva? She's like, oh, yeah, County. So I gave her a big blunt. We, you know, she loved. They love me. But my favorite moment was when I show up. They're like, okay, so you're leading the ribbon cutting ceremony. I was like, what? And so. And there's a proclamation given to George Clinton from the county of Leon.

[Marcus Parks]

Is this when you just got off a plane?

[Henry Zebrowski]

Dude, I was like, I was there for like an hour. I'm sitting there.

[Marcus Parks]

I don't know.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I'm just. I'm trying to, like, you know, I'm trying to win everyone over. So I'm wearing, like, George Clinton paint the White House black T shirt. And they got me up there with like, county commissioners and billionaires and judges and, like, doing a ribbon cutting ceremony with George. And I'm just like, doing my best. I curse immediately. I'm just not ready for this at all. And I just, like, immediately I'm just like, we're starting this festival off with the least funky people in the house.

[Marcus Parks]

That was great, though.

[Henry Zebrowski]

It was great. We did that. We did the whole thing. And first band came out and then afterwards, just to like, make sure they didn't stick around or anything, I just went on a huge DeSantis rant.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Good work. I was just like, Just let everyone know where we stand. You know, I'm also trying to win ever went over. I should not be a part of this.

[Marcus Parks]

No.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I should not be the mc.

[Marcus Parks]

No.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Like, the blackest thing I've ever been to.

[Marcus Parks]

No.

[Henry Zebrowski]

But it worked out.

[Marcus Parks]

And you were.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I'm a super fan. That's why. That's why it kind of worked out is because I know everything about P.

[Marcus Parks]

Fog you do know everything about.

[Henry Zebrowski]

So it was great and so. And then. But the best part was bringing Holden. And I. I made Holden play this character called Frank, the unfunky cop.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Because I was really worried about just getting booed. And so I was just like, you

[Marcus Parks]

know, I don't have. I'm make it purposeful.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. I was like. I was like, what I'll do is I'll bring a foil. That way I'm not the foil. So I'm like, who do I know that's the biggest foil on earth?

[Marcus Parks]

Holden.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Holden McNeely. The biggest foil on earth, especially for

[Marcus Parks]

a crowd of older African American people.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Honestly, I can't believe, like, I slowly won them over throughout the night. And it was just like. Honestly, I've never been so proud of myself. I thought, like, at the end of it, Holden and I both looked at each other because we didn't bring it up beforehand. Amberly. I was very scared.

[Marcus Parks]

It's a lot of responsibility.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. So we had. So I had this reoccurring bit with Holden. Replayed Frank, the unfunky cop. And he kept that coming out and, like, telling people, like, to stop dancing and don't do drugs and stuff. And then, like, the second time he came out, he had, like, a boa. And he's like, I ate a cookie. Yeah, I love that show.

[Marcus Parks]

And then.

[Henry Zebrowski]

And then I turned him into Sir Nose. And, like, he started, like, dancing. I'll show. I'll show a video later on the stream next week or something. But, yeah, he's like. He was like, literally, like. I'm like. Because sir knows. I don't know if you. Last time you see him, he, like, always, like, picks up his shirt and shows his abs.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah, he's like, a sexy guy. Yeah.

[Henry Zebrowski]

So, like, I have, like. I'm like, hold. I'm like. I was like, jerk nose Jerry White. Shitty white guy. Sir no. Show him your abs. And he's like. Pulls up his shirt. He's like, I have an umbilical hernia.

[Marcus Parks]

Don't look at it. And I saw the video. I also love the fact that, like, Ed showed me the video, and you just hear older black people just talking about old mid.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Like, what an asshole.

[Marcus Parks]

An asshole.

[Henry Zebrowski]

God, it's so great. And then I. Yeah, there was a big tribute, and I dressed like Gary Scheider. I put on a diaper. And, like, while I'm on stage, like, given this, like, meaningful tribute in a diaper, like, honestly, bringing tears to the eyes of the people in the audience because I'm, like, reading a poem about death, you know, like. And then, like, that. But the guy who. Who I was honoring, Gary Scheider, his son, Garrett Scheider. Go listen to his. It's awesome. He was in the band coming up next, and he came on stage and he. He, like, what the are you doing? And I told him this great story about what. The time I met his dad, which was. I was Backstage at the 9:30 Club in D.C. watching P. Fung. And he had brought me on stage earlier because I was the only person backstage Dancing and stuff. And so he, like, brought me on stage, like, giving high fives to people. And then later on, I'm sitting backstage, and he comes up to me, and I'm like, oh, my God, I'm gonna talk to Gary Scheider. I'm so excited. He looks up. He looks me in a diaper, looks me up and down, grabs my beer out of. Out of my hand, takes a swig, and he goes.

[Marcus Parks]

Tastes like piss.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Gave it back to me. It was just like. It was amazing. I. I had such an amazing time. The first annual P Funk Fest was a total success. Make sure you check them out on the road. I feel like they're in, like, a really good space right now as a band, which is crazy to say after, like, 70 years, but, you know, because

[Marcus Parks]

I. I was watching some footage. It seems like they're a little bit more stripped down. It's very tight. George is present.

[Henry Zebrowski]

He was. Honestly, he was jumping, dude. He was so ready. He was. He was having the best time.

[Marcus Parks]

84 years old.

[Henry Zebrowski]

He's almost 85. It was celebrating his 85th birthday, which is in July.

[Marcus Parks]

Jesus Christ.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. No, it was incredible. And then the show in Jacksonville was great, too. At the Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp Stadium.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah.

[Henry Zebrowski]

So much fun. So, yeah, Lexi on stage and shout out to Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp and Evan Rossi for coming out. Dude, that was so much fun.

[Marcus Parks]

Our live show are just. We've gotten really good at them. You gotta come check them out. Come check out Netflix is a joke. We're gonna have some special guests too,

[Henry Zebrowski]

over May 7th at the Avalon Theater, 9:45pm that's gonna be a lot of fun. We got a lot of shows coming up. We'll tip you off about all that shows, but.

[Marcus Parks]

Oh, wow. We went a whole hour without talking about the other major story of the week.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, that someone tried to kill Sam Altman?

[Marcus Parks]

No, not even that one. Oh, that one's a serious story.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, are you talking about this chimpanzee civil war? Two brothers, one wore blue and one wore gray. And there's a chimpanzee war. That's right.

[Marcus Parks]

The world.

[Henry Zebrowski]

This comes from the BBC. Thank you, BBC. Hey, you. You know what?

[Marcus Parks]

We.

[Henry Zebrowski]

We owe you some credit after we took you down so hard for three weeks. The world's largest group of chimpanzees apparently have been in a brutal civil war for over eight years.

[Marcus Parks]

Dude, I found interesting is that they know. They said that they. It very rarely happens.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, well, news travels slowly out of the chimp world.

[Marcus Parks]

It's hard because they don't have social media.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. And they're always trying to call you on bananas and they're like, look, guys, I know it looks like a phone, but it don't work. It was a joke.

[Marcus Parks]

Get a razor phone.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

But Jane Goodall, first of all, I want to say before we get into

[Henry Zebrowski]

the show, shout out to that dead old.

[Marcus Parks]

No, she's dead.

[Henry Zebrowski]

She's dead.

[Marcus Parks]

I want to say that she's honestly

[Henry Zebrowski]

what my favorite people.

[Marcus Parks]

I've unfairly been a part of the. I mean this, I've been unfairly part of the. Let's just say some of the more vicious rumors about Jane Goodall. And I just want to say I'm sorry cuz. Like it. I'm going to come out here for the very first time.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

And I'm going to unequivocally say that she's never had sex with the chimpanzee. I know that she. She hasn't.

[Henry Zebrowski]

But I mean she can't confirm or

[Marcus Parks]

deny it, but she did allow some local men to sleep in her tent for some time with her. Guys, GameCube, that is. She did do that. She had a GameCube and she would parlay sexual favors four time at the Game Cube. But those are men. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they're human men. And some women.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh man. We talk.

[Marcus Parks]

Saw a war.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh yeah, she saw a war.

[Marcus Parks]

Cuz she said that she had thought that chimps were inherently peaceful.

[Henry Zebrowski]

The Gambi chimpanzee war she witnessed.

[Marcus Parks]

So this isn't like back in the 70s. So what's going on?

[Henry Zebrowski]

This happens all the time, you know, like chimpanzees that go to war when they, you know. But this like. But there. What's interesting about this one is that we have more than ever were able to study it. And so basically with this one is

[Marcus Parks]

which one's done by Jeffrey Rush. Right. Wasn't he in Planet of the Apes? No, no. Pirates of the Caribbean.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Pirates of the Caribbean, Yeah. You're getting them confused.

[Marcus Parks]

The other one, Mark Wahlberg, who's in that one? Gary Oldman.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Mark Wahlberg's in the really Bad Land of the Apes. And Tim Burton one.

[Marcus Parks]

Yes, that's.

[Henry Zebrowski]

That's the one he's in. Yeah. Each, each one of New Good Plan of the Apes have a new good actor.

[Marcus Parks]

Oh, what's his name?

[Henry Zebrowski]

Harrelson's in one.

[Marcus Parks]

Woody Harrelson. And then the other guy, Clark, who only plays monkeys.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah. Andy Circus. Andy Circus, yeah. Andy Circus. He plays Caesar. But anyway, so The Ngogo chimpanzees at Uganda's Kale national park have been at war since 2018, where they have been 24 chimp on chimp murders, 17 of which are infants.

[Marcus Parks]

So how, how many arms are we selling them and when. What do they get from Iran?

[Henry Zebrowski]

I mean, honestly, thank God they don't have weapons, man. But actually that's not true cuz like sometimes they do use sticks and rocks.

[Marcus Parks]

They do, yeah, yeah.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Which is wild. But this is true. Brother on brother. Blue versus gray. For eons, this was a beautiful community. 200 chimps used to be friends, lovers, they would hold hands. They, they known they were. But now they are enemies. And when what happened?

[Marcus Parks]

Why breaks people this? Besides, was it a lady?

[Henry Zebrowski]

You know, honestly, they don't know. And it could be.

[Marcus Parks]

Oh yeah, sure.

[Henry Zebrowski]

A lot of it is like males like fighting for, you know, dominance and stuff like that. But it would.

[Marcus Parks]

And then like, because like one was like, I know that one with Jane Goodall was like. The main leader was a monkey named Mike. Right. He was an ape named Mike. And then it seemed that one of the younger people that was like his right hand man was like decided Mike shouldn't be in charge anymore, basically, and then took three dudes and they walked away from everybody. And then that caused like a fight.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, and there was other, there were other chimps called Goliath. She named one of the chimps Satan.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah, I know, it's strange.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

[Marcus Parks]

I think it was because like the Latin term meaning like nemesis.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, okay. Okay, well, all right. So in 2015, they, they started to separate and basically in 2018, the war began and the western group is the Aggress. The west had launched 24 targeted attacks and it basically every time they kill one, the numbers could be way higher. Oh, sure, this is just what we know.

[Marcus Parks]

But also I find it interesting is how pointed the murders are, how the kills are pointed in their little society too. Like it's actual warfare. Yeah, it's like pointed at two specific groups.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, Planet Earth did really good job. They had a good segment about a chimpanzee war that they got.

[Marcus Parks]

I remembered that from back in the day. Yeah, it was like, it was the whole like. And as you can see there, what a wonderful, wonderful view into the intimate world of the warrior as he smashes the infant baby. I look at the joy.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I'm sorry.

[Marcus Parks]

In which he celebrates his victory over the child.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. And basically chimps are omnivores, you know, they, they, they eat a lot of vegetables. It's mostly they're more herbivore than carnivore.

[Marcus Parks]

But I got a lot of messages when we asked this question about other animals and they. Most animals are opportunity eaters. Yes. No matter what. Like, a rhino will eat like, a. Like a little.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Eat bugs. They definitely eat a ton of bugs. They look. They like eating turtles for some reason. They love. I guess they like getting in their shells and getting the meat out. It's probably fun for them.

[Marcus Parks]

Hunter turtles taste good.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. And they eat tiny mammals. Sometimes they eat even smaller monkeys. But while at war, they turn cannibalistic.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah, they eat their. The other people they eat, but they

[Henry Zebrowski]

do it like it's never. Not at war. It's never like a chimp dies and they eat it. You know, it's not. That never happens. They, like, kill the chimp and eat it in front of, like, their families. And, like, they rip and it's usually an infant and they call it infant side. And they go usually. Sometimes the women chimps do it as well.

[Marcus Parks]

Can we do this to a lot of senators?

[Henry Zebrowski]

We could if. If their children are young enough, I believe we can.

[Marcus Parks]

I would love to do this. I feel like it would teach them some lessons.

[Henry Zebrowski]

And so they're trying to figure out, like, all right, so 24 are dead. Seven of them are adult males. 17 are INF infants. All right, and then here's what they think. It started the war. Maybe this is their theories. All right, the first were the deaths of five adult males and one adult female for reasons unknown, in 2014. This could have started with disputed social networks and weakened social ties to the subgroups. The following year, there was a change in the alpha male, which the study says coincided with the first period of separation between the western and central groups. Changes in the its hierarchy can increase aggression and avoidance in chimpanzees. All right. Third factor was the deaths of 25 chimpanzees, including four adult males and 10 adult females.

[Marcus Parks]

Like, it was an accidental death or

[Henry Zebrowski]

there was a respiratory epidemic in 2017.

[Marcus Parks]

You're literally looking at, like, the way systems are affected in human world or how they're affected in that world, too.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Well, that is exactly where this all goes. Because the why this is so interesting is that, that they were looking at this as, like, how ancient man developed conflict and, like, how it. It wasn't always, you know, so it wasn't always just, like, based off of, like, racism, and sometimes it was opportunity.

[Marcus Parks]

Well, there's lots of stuff. It's the fact that it's an inherent part of our. Like there's some part of the monkey part of our brain.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yes, it's.

[Marcus Parks]

Please, I'm sorry. There's some part of it that puts us in this place.

[Henry Zebrowski]

So we like to fight according to the. According to the people, the BBC. If chimpanzees, one of the species closest to humans genetically, could do so without human constructs of religion, ethnicity, and political beliefs, then rat, then relational dynamics may play a larger casual role in human conflict than often assume.

[Marcus Parks]

But I mean, look at what we just covered. We covered The Hatfields of McCoys.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Exactly right.

[Marcus Parks]

You, like, basically see this, like, entire war set off.

[Henry Zebrowski]

These are families that hate each other.

[Marcus Parks]

Yes. And you're living literally seeing it on an animal level, which is. Is that. Is that, like, what does that speak to? Do you think that speaks to. Is it wonderful that we share this trait in terms of, like, a thing that we can see or is it one of those. Like. That's where it comes from.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I mean, I think it just shows that chimpanzees are just like 40, 000 years behind us and they're gonna catch up eventually.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah, we'll see.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

I try it.

[Henry Zebrowski]

You know what is. I find very. The fact that I want this smoke champs.

[Marcus Parks]

You don't want so.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Dude, they will rip your lips off.

[Marcus Parks]

I need you to fight me. No, I'm not saying fight me. I'm saying you don't want the modern world chimps. You don't need an economy.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Okay?

[Marcus Parks]

Live your life.

[Henry Zebrowski]

You know how much a chimp would love, like, a porn tablet?

[Marcus Parks]

I mean, that's easy. Now we can hook up. Now we can hook up.

[Henry Zebrowski]

All right.

[Marcus Parks]

How about I can get to make a bunch of AI porn a Jane Goodall for these guys?

[Henry Zebrowski]

This shows a way that chimps are very advanced. This is my favorite thing that I learned. Learned about reading this story. Apparently because of all of this war and stuff that lady chimps, when they have a baby, because sometimes, like, there have been reports of them killing an infant that are like hours old.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah.

[Henry Zebrowski]

You know, and so they have maternity leave. Chimpanzees have maternity leave. Like, if she'll, like, they'll send her to a secluded safe place in the forest and she'll live there with her baby chip until it be becomes old enough to kind of like walk around and fend for itself a little bit. So they have like a form of maternity le.

[Marcus Parks]

That's fascinating.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Isn't that cool?

[Marcus Parks]

That's fat. Dude. We're just. Yeah. And Again, it's like how like the percentage between us and them is like what, like, like 2%?

[Henry Zebrowski]

I have no idea.

[Marcus Parks]

Like, like our DNA is like well, we're closest to.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Was it mao? The maa macaques are the ones we're

[Marcus Parks]

closest to, the bonobos or no.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Or was it bo, one of the

[Marcus Parks]

two, Something like this? Yeah. I think that chimp chimps are like they're well, wow.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Sharing approximately 95 to 98% of their DNA. Wow, look at that. That's AI though.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. According to Reddit.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah. How much AI do. How much DNA do we share with.

[Marcus Parks]

Chimps use bots to prop up a band that they created in order to create it look like it was a natural ground swell for them, but instead they just turns out they're all industry

[Henry Zebrowski]

plants, you jerk off.

[Marcus Parks]

I don't think they can. The bonobo is the closest.

[Henry Zebrowski]

The closest ma.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah, the boo.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I think I just like saying the maa Ma. Yeah, yeah. I think that's the.

[Marcus Parks]

That Cuz think about this cuz Geese was created by industry plants and bots.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Right?

[Marcus Parks]

The band Geese. Think about what happens ban the chimps.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, there has to be a chimps band, I imagine. Surf rock.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah, sure.

[Henry Zebrowski]

If I were to. If I were to guess what the chimps. The band called the chimps are. I'm guessing surf rock.

[Marcus Parks]

I'm looking at them right now.

[Henry Zebrowski]

There has to be a chimp the chimps.

[Marcus Parks]

The chimps band with a Z.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Okay.

[Marcus Parks]

They. They are lock and load. Yeah, this rap rock, metal punk.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Let's see.

[Marcus Parks]

Exactly like what we thought it would be. Oh wow.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, good and lame and fun. Oh wow. I like them.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah. Chim chimsies. Oh, and then there's the chimps. That has some chimps on instruments.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Either way I'm rooting for you central chimps. You know, hopefully you're able to pull this out, but it seems like these western guys guys are a little more tough.

[Marcus Parks]

I would like to send you in to negotiate. Eddie, I think that if you went in.

[Henry Zebrowski]

All right, so we got a peanut machine for.

[Marcus Parks]

All right. This is called the flashlight. All right, now I'm going to demonstrate how you all use the flashlight.

[Henry Zebrowski]

All right. You're going to want to spend extra time looking at this one, Goliath.

[Marcus Parks]

All right, Come on now.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Take a look.

[Marcus Parks]

Everybody come closer, come close. How come album goes up.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh man. Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

Oh so yeah. Wow. We did it, Eddie.

[Henry Zebrowski]

What a nice day. We. Do we have any listener mail? Do we have any listener mail? Stingers left we do actually. Oh, I kind of wanted. What did you think I wanted to know. I wanted to think of a new bit for us but I sent it to you. But we never talked about it I guess where it's just like I wanted to talk.

[Marcus Parks]

Where are we eating?

[Henry Zebrowski]

We're gonna be in Lexington soon.

[Marcus Parks]

I want to know because Jackie already has a whole food based thing. She's shoehorned in her.

[Henry Zebrowski]

You can't just do.

[Marcus Parks]

Eddie wants to do segment that's just called what we eat people segments restaurants. Yeah but I cuz restaurants are having a hard time. I want to support restaurants.

[Henry Zebrowski]

We do it anyway and we do it anyway.

[Marcus Parks]

If we make a walk.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I want a Stinger. I want a Stinger. Oh, I'm so hungry. I'm so hungry.

[Marcus Parks]

Side stories just wants.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I love Stingers. I like Stingers are great. I do too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Make it. I'm so hungry. One please sir.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah. If we could. Oh we got a lot of mail.

[Henry Zebrowski]

We got a lot of mail about the NASA.

[Marcus Parks]

Well one thing I thought was interesting is that someone brought up within the NASA like because we were being very funny about the. The. The Artemis 2. I'm glad that they splashed down safe and they did all this and it's promoting space travel and we're like there's a lot of people like it's a hopeful thing to think about. That's why we like it. We're thinking about it. We know that Artemis 2 and the Artemis Pro program has extended like what they want to do. They want to build a base on the moon in order to go from the moon to Mars.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Technology should be leaning towards us learning. You know.

[Marcus Parks]

I do understand. I do understand. But I also will say I got a really interesting email that I thought brought a interesting perspective about NASA is that the. It's an extremely exclusive place to work. It's hard to get a job there. And 95% of people that try to get a job in at NASA actually work in the military industrial complex making propulsion technology and working for them to blow shit up and kill people. So it does kind of seem that NASA might be sort not propaganda as much as it's a way to inspire people to get into these industries which then we use to kill people.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Once you get really good they're like hey, how would you like a raise?

[Marcus Parks]

Literally? And then they bring you over to make stuff that blows people up.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah but I also like to live in side of a mountain.

[Marcus Parks]

My only issue because again I love space travel. I get and I and I am excited about space. And I do believe in aliens. I want more of it, but I do believe a lot of shit's going on here right now. Which is why, like, I have some issues with it. Right? Like, only just because there is a lot going on and the economy is in the shitter. It is. I just paid $775 a gallon for a. For gas.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Where were you?

[Marcus Parks]

In the neighborhood. And I just don't. I just think that we need to have little bit of perspective. And I'm going to just read this little poem real quick so you can. Can feel a little bit of perspective. This comes from Gil Scott Heron. A rat done bit my sister. Now with Whitey on the moon, her face and arms began to swell. And Whitey's on the moon.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yep.

[Marcus Parks]

I can't pay no doctor bills, but Whitey's on the moon. Ten years from now, I'll be paying still. Wow. Whitey. Whitey's on the moon. The man just upped my rent last night. Cause Whitey's on the moon. No hot water, no toilet, still lights. But Whitey's on the moon. I wonder why he's upping me. Is it cause Whitey's on the moon? Well, I was already giving him 50 a week. With Whitey on the moon, Tax is taking my whole damn check. Junkies making me a nervous wreck. The price of food is going up. And as if all that was wasn't enough, a rat done bit my sister Nell. With Whitey on the moon, her face and arm began to swell. And Whitey's on the moon. Was all that money I made last year for whitey on the moon. How come I ain't got no money here? Oh, Whitey's on the moon. You know, I just about half my fill of Whitey on the moon. I think I'll send these Dr. Bill's air mail special to Whitey on the moon. And the only one, because again, I love it. I love sports, space travel. But we do have a lot of problems here. So I would say we might want to focus on some of them, because some of these are going to get our precious CEO killed.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

You know, Sam Altman, he's in danger.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, he certainly is.

[Marcus Parks]

He's in danger. So we better be careful with that.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Someone threw a Molotov cocktail at his house.

[Marcus Parks]

Oh, no.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Is that better?

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah. Oh, no.

[Henry Zebrowski]

All right.

[Marcus Parks]

So this is the last real email that I want to read that I thought was interesting.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Please.

[Marcus Parks]

Last little response to our March madness. These are my favorite responses the reason why I'm reading this is because it's an awesome response. It's a detail I like to see, and it's the kind of person I trust to make these types of decisions.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Put this time into your response.

[Marcus Parks]

This is an active dm.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Unemployed.

[Marcus Parks]

No, no, no, he's employed. He specifically puts that as an email that he did this on company dime.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh great. Even better.

[Marcus Parks]

Which I love. Yeah, Dungeons and Dragons Updated Master Monster Manual that was released in 2242025 actually includes a stat for something called a flesh Golem whose flavor text referring to it as body parts bound together by misused magic or strange science and its included aversion to fire trait make it the ideal candidate to stand in for a Boris Karloff Frankenstein's monster. The 1985 Chicago's Bears though is a little trickier because not many creatures that could honor their legendary defensive line and an astonishing four shutouts. The closest thing would be a werebear, but eight of these could be much too powerful to make an entertaining fight. So in honor of the mascot and for its claw attack ability to knock an opponent prone simulating a tackle, we will be using the stat block of a brown Bear. Both of these creatures statistics are attached. What makes the matchup interesting is that while their armor classes and attack bonuses are different, AC 11 to 9 attack 5 to attack 7 they actually even out said both creatures only need a roll of four or higher on a D20 to hit, that's an 85% chance. However, both parties have vastly different damage output, with our Frankenstein's delivering over twice as much potential damage per round as a bear 26 max damage vs 12 max damage respectively in a one on one matchup and as a 5.77 times as much health 127 hit points vs 22 hit points as a Brown Bear. Hypothetically, with each Frankenstein would be able to take out one brown bear per round. Napkin math probability for two 13 damage hits at 85% come up to about 22 damage. Aver bear damage comes out to a little over 10 damage, and with each bear only having an average of 22 hitch points, things aren't looking good with the Frankenstein's reducing the number of Bears and therefore their damage output per round. If all eight Bears focus on a single Frankenstein at a time and the Bears act first, since they have plus one to their initiative versus the Frankenstein's minus one, they'd still be losing at least two bears per round since both Frankenstein's would be attacking after the first two bears die, their damage output, it drops from around 81.6 to 61.2. The second round has another two bears die, but there would be more than enough bears to take down one Frankenstein with at least one bear attack to spare. This brings the next round to one minorly wounded Frankenstein versus four bears. Third round have the bear strike with an average of 40.8 points, bringing the last Frankenstein to around 70.4 HP, wherein he'll be killing another bear and further decreasing their damage output. This would continue on and on, and assuming no critical hits, there would be no bear standing and a single Frankenstein barely alive but victorious with approximately 9.4 hit points. Interesting. However, remember that claw attack?

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

Our brave sports ballers have the ability to knock an opponent prone, right? Which gives the attacker advantage approximately plus 5 their attack chance and the defender disadvantage negative 5 attack chance. This will increase the bear's average damage output to approximately 11 and decrease our Frankenstein's average damage up to around 21, which is just barely enough for a bear to survive. Instead of two bears per round, the 1985 Chicago Bears would be able to knock the abominations over quickly enough for a few key bears to get a good hit in for the Frankenstein to be enabled. A good whack. They would then be enough to take down the shambling monster quicker in the second round. So they can turn their attention to the final opponent and almost half of our Super Bowl 20 able to super bowl shuffled their way to victory. Wow.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Well, they don't have have claws though. Because they're human.

[Marcus Parks]

I can't even. He didn't even listen to any of it, Rob. I just hate not a single bit of an entered. I saw him tune out. He. I know a single bit of it. He couldn't figure it out.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I just had no idea D and D had this much math.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah, yeah.

[Henry Zebrowski]

That makes me hate it more.

[Marcus Parks]

I just know it's all it was.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I thought it was just play pretend.

[Marcus Parks]

No, it makes it real.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Now it's math too. No, math makes it real like and imagination.

[Marcus Parks]

No, Max, math is what makes it real. It's math and impulse of together.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, but they're not bears. They're humans.

[Marcus Parks]

But he's. Thank you for your service, my good sir. And also he said he that took about 60 of our tax dollars.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Oh, okay.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah. Instead of working on spreadsheets.

[Henry Zebrowski]

That's good. I appreciate that. I like you spending our tax money that way. Instead of us just sending it putting them into missiles.

[Marcus Parks]

Honestly, we just paying it right now. So it's all anybody.

[Henry Zebrowski]

It was a hard year to pay taxes. Yeah, it was a tax day today. Fucking asshole, man. By the way, one of the members of the 85 Bears defense, Steve Mongo McMichael, just died of CTE.

[Marcus Parks]

Great. Mongo.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Well, he died last year, but he now had. But it was just revealed that he had cte.

[Marcus Parks]

Was that from Blazing Saddles?

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, that was Mongo, but that was Alex Karras who played for Detroit Lions.

[Marcus Parks]

Interesting. Yes, well, love every day knowing you're going to learn new facts about Blazing Saddles every single day of your life. You're never going to stop live knowing you got a little puppy who's trying to com at you in your exit, in your outro. And your little puppy, he's.

[Henry Zebrowski]

He's done, man.

[Marcus Parks]

And I laugh and I love.

[Henry Zebrowski]

I love little champ. Oh, but we got a lot of shows coming up. We're going to be in Anchorage this weekend. Come see us if you're there. You already got tickets. That's good. Fairbanks. Almost sold out. There's some tickets. Get those left. Portland one's almost. Almost sold out. Get tickets for that. Lexington, Kentucky, on April 26. That one's almost sold out. Get tickets to that if you can. Netflix is a joke. Plenty of tickets going against the honesty. Please.

[Marcus Parks]

But listen, come to Netflix. We're up against these movie stars. They suck. All right? They won't be there for you. We'll be. We'll say hello after the show.

[Henry Zebrowski]

We have our own special guests coming too, so don't worry about that. We got our own stars.

[Marcus Parks]

We got special guests coming. We also have a new miseducation of Ed Larson. It's on Patreon this week. Go to patreon.com podcast and left to also pay to listen to us ad free. And also you can see last stream on the left live every Tuesday, 5pm PST.

[Henry Zebrowski]

That's right. Rochester, New York, on May 30. That one sold out, bro. Our shows are selling out, bro. These side store shows are awesome. We're in blast. London, Ontario. Still got a couple tickets left. That's gonna be on June 28th.

[Marcus Parks]

Also, I'm on the road.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Go ahead to eddietunes.com to see me. Everywhere I'm going, I'm dry. I'm trying out a bunch of weird. We're having fun.

[Marcus Parks]

You are? Yeah, we're having a lot of fun, dude.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah.

[Marcus Parks]

420. I have no idea what we're doing for that show.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Newark, I'm all over the place. We're gonna have a great time.

[Marcus Parks]

What are we doing for that Portland show?

[Henry Zebrowski]

The port? I don't know. Yeah, we're gonna get really high and have fun.

[Marcus Parks]

Great.

[Henry Zebrowski]

We were just in Portland, so this is a bonus.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah, I can't wait.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Y' all come out, man. We're gonna have a good time.

[Marcus Parks]

Yeah. Come on.

[Henry Zebrowski]

All right. I think that's it.

[Marcus Parks]

I think that's it. Hail, Satan. We did it. Yeah.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Hail Mongo, MC Michael. You know, actually, Mango, you're cool, but. Hail George Clinton for giving me the coolest weekend I think I've ever. And Danny Bedrosian.

[Marcus Parks]

So cool.

[Henry Zebrowski]

What a great time. I. So. I couldn't have had a better time. This is a. A dream come true.

[Marcus Parks]

So cool.

[Henry Zebrowski]

Peace.