Side Stories: Halloween Ham

Summary

Detailed Summary of "Last Podcast On The Left: Side Stories: Halloween Ham"

Podcast Information:

• Title: Last Podcast On The Left
• Host/Author: The Last Podcast Network
• Description: The Last Podcast on the Left covers all the horrors our world has to offer, both imagined and real. From demons and slashers to cults and serial killers, The Last Podcast is guaranteed to satisfy your bloodlust.
• Episode: Side Stories: Halloween Ham

Hosts:

• Henry Zabrowski
• Ed Larson

---

1. Introduction

The episode kicks off with Henry and Ed sharing their enthusiasm for Puerto Rico, setting a casual and friendly tone before delving into Halloween-themed discussions. They briefly mention upcoming live shows and their personal experiences, establishing a rapport with listeners.

Notable Quotes:

• Henry Zabrowski [00:40]: "That's our Halloween episode."
• Ed Larson [04:22]: "We're doing this, having a blast."

2. Main Stories

a. Walmart Oven Tragedy

One of the most chilling stories discussed involves a tragic incident at a Canadian Walmart Supercenter. A young woman named Gerson Ran Kaur was found dead inside a walk-in oven, having been locked inside overnight. Her mother, also an employee at Walmart, discovered her body the next day, sparking widespread horror and questions about how such an accident could occur.

Key Points:

• Circumstances: Gerson was inside the oven for “many, many hours,” leading to her body being completely cooked.
• Walmart's Response: Attempts to keep the incident under wraps, raising suspicions about potential foul play versus a sheer accident.
• Safety Protocols: Discussion on whether safety measures failed or if negligence was involved.

Notable Quotes:

• Henry Zabrowski [22:18]: "She was literally turned into jerky. She was completely cooked."
• Ed Larson [26:06]: "The door is heavy and difficult to open without proper protocols."

b. Montana Camper's Mysterious Death

In Montana, a camper named Dustin (last name partially obscured) was found dead in his tent, appearing to have been torn apart. While initially suspected to be a bear attack, investigators found no evidence of bear activity, leading to theories of human involvement with possible axe wounds.

Key Points:

• Discovery: Dustin was found with severe injuries resembling a bear attack.
• Investigation Findings: Lack of bear evidence suggests a possible human perpetrator.
• Suspected Motive: Missing items like his axe and cooler point towards robbery or personal vendetta.

Notable Quotes:

• Ed Larson [32:32]: "This is the ultimate proof that that's true."
• Henry Zabrowski [35:23]: "He was in there for many, many hours."

c. Tera Sykes and Roblox Manipulation

A disturbing case from Pensacola, Florida, involves Tara Sykes, a 36-year-old woman who used the online gaming platform Roblox to manipulate her 10-year-old daughter into attempting to kill her own infant brother. This incident is compounded by Tera's troubled family background, including previous arrests related to child neglect and allowing inappropriate individuals into her home.

Key Points:

• Manipulation Tactics: Tera used Roblox to coerce her daughter with instructions to harm her brother.
• Family Dynamics: Previous issues, including a 20-year-old man impregnating her teenage daughter without any legal repercussions.
• Legal Outcome: Tera was convicted, and her actions have raised alarms about online safety and parental control.

Notable Quotes:

• Henry Zabrowski [40:25]: "She is a demon. This is a demon woman."
• Ed Larson [42:40]: "This woman's a problem."

d. 15-Year-Old Family Killer in Washington

In Fall City, Washington, a 15-year-old boy named Dustin Humaston brutally killed his parents and three siblings. He attempted to cover up the crime by framing his 13-year-old brother as the perpetrator in a supposed murder-suicide scenario. However, the truth surfaced when the surviving sister came forward, revealing the gruesome reality.

Key Points:

• Nature of the Crime: Massive family slaughter with attempts to deceive authorities.
• Investigation: Physical evidence contradicted the boy's fabricated story.
• Legal Implications: As a juvenile, Dustin faces severe consequences, with little hope of release.

Notable Quotes:

• Henry Zabrowski [45:32]: "You never know when you're dealing with a bear."
• Ed Larson [46:12]: "I doubt he gets out of jail."

3. Listener Pastas

The hosts delve into listener pastas, which are short horror stories submitted by listeners. These segments add a creative and spooky dimension to the episode, featuring fictional tales that align with the Halloween theme.

a. The Corn Man Ritual

A fictional ritual purported to dispel negative energy involves locking oneself in a bathroom, navigating through creepy online searches, and performing unsettling actions to complete the process. The story blends dark humor with horror elements, showcasing the hosts' signature style.

Key Points:

• Steps of the Ritual: Locking the door, conducting specific searches, and physical actions.
• Outcome: Completion of the ritual with eerie consequences.

Notable Quotes:

• Henry Zabrowski [59:35]: "You have performed the ritual correctly."
• Ed Larson [60:16]: "This is breaking the man code."

b. The Clicking Story by Johnny Maps

A tale about ominous sounds at 3:33 AM leads to a horrifying encounter with a supernatural entity. The narrative builds suspense through vivid descriptions of eerie voices, unsettling characters, and a climactic confrontation.

Key Points:

• Setting: Philadelphia after the Phillies' World Series win.
• Supernatural Elements: Encounter with a mysterious figure wielding a human liver.
• Conclusion: A terrifying discovery that leaves the protagonist in fear.

Notable Quotes:

• Henry Zabrowski [67:03]: "Me poor voice of revenge, I told."
• Ed Larson [71:26]: "He could be sniffing shoes at Carnegie Hall."

c. The Shoe Sniffer Case

A true story shared by listeners involves a man repeatedly trespassing to sniff neighbors' shoes. Despite the peculiarity of the act, community response and legal action highlight issues of privacy, mental health, and criminal behavior.

Key Points:

• Behavior: Breaking into homes to sniff shoes.
• Community Reaction: Frustration and eventual police involvement.
• Legal Outcome: Arrest and probation for the perpetrator.

Notable Quotes:

• Henry Zabrowski [53:24]: "You're letting these stinky hiking boots out there like little sluts in a row."
• Ed Larson [54:43]: "If you could be sniffing shoes at Carnegie Hall."

4. Hosts' Personal Discourse

Throughout the episode, Henry and Ed share personal anecdotes, discuss upcoming live shows, and engage in light-hearted banter. Their chemistry and humor provide a balance to the dark and horror-centric content, making the podcast both entertaining and engaging.

Notable Quotes:

• Henry Zabrowski [04:10]: "I just want to do a vacation. I just want to go to Puerto Rico."
• Ed Larson [39:05]: "I'm thankful I know my semen so dumb it comes out my butt."

5. Conclusion and Upcoming Content

As the episode wraps up, the hosts promote their live shows and various platforms where listeners can engage with them. They tease special Halloween content and encourage audience participation through Patreon and YouTube.

Notable Quotes:

• Ed Larson [80:37]: "Check out Hoopa Goo Goo game. It's going to be Amber Nelson Wilson and I and judge and contestant one and contestant two."
• Henry Zabrowski [81:14]: "We want to say thank you to everybody who sent in."

---

Summary

In "Side Stories: Halloween Ham," Henry Zabrowski and Ed Larson of The Last Podcast On The Left explore a mix of real-life horror stories, listener-submitted pastas, and personal anecdotes, all woven together with their characteristic humor and engaging dialogue. From the haunting Walmart oven tragedy to mysterious camper deaths and unsettling criminal cases, the episode delves deep into the macabre and mysterious aspects of human behavior. Additionally, the listener pastas add a creative and fictional layer to the episode, enhancing the Halloween spirit. Throughout, the hosts maintain a balance between dark storytelling and light-hearted interaction, making the podcast both spine-chilling and entertaining for listeners.

Key Takeaways:

• Real-Life Horrors: The podcast covers tragic and mysterious real-life events, analyzing circumstances and implications.
• Listener Engagement: Through pastas and true stories, the hosts showcase their audience's creativity and the community's involvement.
• Balance of Content: Personal stories and humor provide relief from the dark topics, maintaining listener engagement.
• Upcoming Content: Promotion of live shows and special Halloween events keeps the audience informed and involved.

Recommended for: Listeners who enjoy in-depth discussions of real and fictional horror stories, presented with a blend of humor and critical analysis. Whether you're a fan of true crime, supernatural tales, or creative storytelling, this episode offers a comprehensive and engaging experience.

Transcript

[Henry Zabrowski]

Warm up your holidays with JC Penney.

[Ed Larson]

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[Henry Zabrowski]

To festive family PJs now 40% off.

[Ed Larson]

Get ready for winter with all the.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Comfy, feel good layers you love. Wrap yourself in a warm faux mink. Throw only 24.99. It's more cozy. Bigger savings for you. JC Penney.

[Ed Larson]

Make it count. Offers valid on select styles. Three 1121 deals excluded from coupons. C store or jcp.com for details.

[Henry Zabrowski]

There's no place to escape to.

[Ed Larson]

This is the last podcast on the left side stories above.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories. Yes. Ah, ya yas. I'd like to start today's episode by saying I love Puerto Rico.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, I think it's wonderful.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I think it's nice. Now, what's the VA case and all? I hope I saw the horses and I pray that you invite us to Puerto Rico to do an island.

[Ed Larson]

We could just go.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Let's just go.

[Ed Larson]

I mean, it's wonderful.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Now that I'm even thinking about it, I don't. Even if they want to show, I don't want to do a show. No, you're right. I'm immediately over the idea of doing a show. I just want to do a vacation. I just want to go to Puerto Rico. Whole network.

[Ed Larson]

The pork, it is so good.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Of course it's good.

[Ed Larson]

It's. They have so many extra piggies. And then the. The horses of Vieques, they're great, but they're not like, you know, wild. They're more homeless.

[Henry Zabrowski]

What are you gonna do?

[Ed Larson]

What are you gonna do?

[Henry Zabrowski]

Horses sometimes choose it. Sometimes horses choose it.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Okay. Sometimes there's nothing you could do for a horse that's homeless because they have decided on this.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. Wild horses don't eat trash.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I don't know.

[Ed Larson]

You never know.

[Henry Zabrowski]

They're not offered any.

[Ed Larson]

Yes.

[Henry Zabrowski]

So who knows what they need.

[Ed Larson]

The Eight gates is the most beautiful place I've been in, I think, ever.

[Henry Zabrowski]

This is our Halloween episode. So that's the first thing I wanted to talk about was Puerto Rico and horses. Second thing I want to talk about, nay, is the power of the dead.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, my God. What happened? Are there more dead people that we.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Need to talk about every day?

[Ed Larson]

You know, we were looking through the stories today, and it was a brutal week. It was a very brutal Halloween ish week. Nothing spooky, just sheer brutality.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And all I gotta say is thanks, America.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. Yeah. But before we get into it, well, first first. What?

[Henry Zabrowski]

Welcome to side stories.

[Ed Larson]

Welcome to side story.

[Henry Zabrowski]

My name is Henry Zabrowski. I'm your host. I'm sitting here with the other person that I would say is co host.

[Ed Larson]

Yes. My breasts are yearning for you.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That's.

[Ed Larson]

My name is Ed Larson.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Hi.

[Ed Larson]

Hello. My Halloween music.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah.

[Ed Larson]

My favorite Halloween song is.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That's your favorite Halloween song.

[Ed Larson]

I mean, all Michael Jackson music is Halloween music now. Now? Of course not. I mean, like, you know, it's terrifying.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Because you never know what's. Can you imagine what song he played before each time you went in there?

[Ed Larson]

Oh, yeah. Dangerous. Probably.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Probably. Now, Eddie, another part of me.

[Ed Larson]

Which is. Which the. Is what the boy said to him. Touch another part of me. Not this one.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Another scary, scary moment.

[Ed Larson]

Covered in shit.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Now, Eddie, you wanted to play. You wanted to plug something at the very top.

[Ed Larson]

We got a show on Saturday in Los Angeles at the Wiltern. Last podcast on the left is going to be at the Wiltern this Saturday doing our fucking big ass show.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And we definitely didn't forget that there was a massive show in Los Angeles two days after Halloween.

[Ed Larson]

It was hilarious. At our weekly meeting, I was like, so Saturday's the show. Both you and Marcus were like, no, it's next week. And then the entire staff looked at you like y'all were fucking crazy.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Because we are.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And we're like, oh, that's right. That's right. It's because last night we. I was exhausted because you spent. You spent several hours helping me lift Natalie.

[Ed Larson]

Yes.

[Henry Zabrowski]

In rigging.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

In our backyard.

[Ed Larson]

That was wild. I never pulled a woman before.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yes, well, congrats. You did very well. I. You did very. You did very good. You were the.

[Ed Larson]

But for going to be strong enough.

[Henry Zabrowski]

You did so good. You did so good. You could have done it on your own. Next time I'm going to make you do it on your own.

[Ed Larson]

I got lats, dude. I got big old. My back's huge.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yes. But we're having a big old Halloween party and a lot of it's going to involve Natalie in the air.

[Ed Larson]

Nice. Nice. Are you going to have beer? No, I might not make it.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Absolutely not. Of course we're going to have beer. Absolutely we're going to be here. But yes, we do have a live show at the Wiltern this Saturday. We are very, very excited. We are. This show is tied as a drum.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. No, and we're also it. All over the world, we've been doing this, having a blast.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And then also Edward and I are performing in Humboldt and it's not just because we're getting weed for free.

[Ed Larson]

Yes. I mean it's mostly for that. But we are doing a show on three weeks after the show at November 23, the Saturday before Thanksgiving at the Mateo Community Center. Tickets are available at Last podcast on the left dot com. We're doing it with our good buddy Billy Wayne Davis.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Can't wait. We're going to have such a blast. It's going to be. We're going to do crowd work, we're going to be improving, we're going to around. We're going to smoke a lot of weed. It's going to be a great weekend for us and hopefully for you as an audience.

[Ed Larson]

And also today, later today we're announcing more shows.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yes, we do. We got a bunch of new shows coming out and you will see where they're at when you go to Last Podcast in the Left dot com. There's a bunch of different cities. I know one is Atlanta in January, which I'm excited for.

[Ed Larson]

Yes.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah.

[Ed Larson]

Atlanta in January.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And also tell us where we should do side stories in Atlanta.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Because that's what we want to do.

[Ed Larson]

Or close by because we're. We got Nashville, Dallas, a bunch of stuff. Toronto, Detroit.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah. We're going around ones.

[Ed Larson]

We're going to hit it.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Just so you know, with people asking about Portland. We are going to get to Portland.

[Ed Larson]

I love Portland.

[Henry Zabrowski]

We are. Well. So today. Well, more.

[Ed Larson]

I love heroin. Hey, don't even.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Just. I mean, just. You can tell just by looking at him.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

How much he loves her.

[Ed Larson]

I want to. I would stop you because I know you were going to fly. We have too many stories. But how's your 31 for 31 going?

[Henry Zabrowski]

I'm pretty much through. I've been through most of it.

[Ed Larson]

I'm almost done myself.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah.

[Ed Larson]

I'm almost done myself a bunch.

[Henry Zabrowski]

The only things I'm kind of saving are for Halloween night and there's certain things that I like to specifically play on Halloween night. Like the Great Pumpkin. Charlie Brown will actually be fun to put in the background. Will probably put Halloween 6 and Nightmare 3 on in the background of the party.

[Ed Larson]

I have those on DVD if you need it.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh, I have them as well, my friend.

[Ed Larson]

Yes. I just watched Nightmare 3 this week. It is unbelievable. Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Elm Street 3 is perfect.

[Ed Larson]

It is. It might be the best one.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I think so.

[Ed Larson]

I had a really good time with it. Cuz. It is the. It is. Cuz 4 is just. It's fun. 4 is where it kind of turns into a comedy. Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Which I like though they get. We were kind of. We just had a conversation with. Where we talked about how as much like we like Freddy because he's funny, but objectively the funnier films are not as good as the earlier scarier films.

[Ed Larson]

Absolutely.

[Henry Zabrowski]

But they are. It's what I love him. Is why I love Freddy.

[Ed Larson]

And then I didn't realize nightmare 3 was actually written screenplay wise by Frank Durapon.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Darabont.

[Ed Larson]

Darabont. Who did Shaw Shake.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Redemption and Crazy. And then Freddy Krueger. He walked through a mile of ship. He came out clean on the other side.

[Ed Larson]

And then I also watched House of Wax. Was. Which was a lot of fun.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah. Vincent Price is incredible. Vincent. Of my favorite actors to be stoned and watch. Oh yeah. Because his face is so funny. Like when you're high and you're watching him, he's. Because he makes like. He's so good at making his like lips and his eyes move.

[Ed Larson]

Do you know he could eat a man's ass?

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh, buddy, if you. Man, there ain't nothing left.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

If he's eating ass, Vincent Price ain't leaving seconds.

[Ed Larson]

That's right.

[Henry Zabrowski]

He's getting all in one go.

[Ed Larson]

And I. And I. And I dipped my toe this week.

[Henry Zabrowski]

But he's a famous romantic Vincent Price. Oh, is he Loved his wife. Who's a very good man.

[Ed Larson]

Really?

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah. Horny guy.

[Ed Larson]

I really thought he was gay.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Okay. He's too streets. Too gay to be straight.

[Ed Larson]

I gotcha. I know.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I mean, he's too gay to be gay.

[Ed Larson]

I know that brand.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah.

[Ed Larson]

I know what you're talking about. Living it. Juan. The Grudge.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Gu.

[Ed Larson]

That's how you say it.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yep. No, it's Juan. It is. You're saying that I'm clarifying for the audience. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Larson]

But you know, I was cheering for him like they were Jews.

[Henry Zabrowski]

How do you like the Grudge?

[Ed Larson]

It was fine. It was good. I was expecting it to be, I don't know, scarier and bloodier.

[Henry Zabrowski]

No, man, it's. That's how it is. You know what I actually rewatched with clear eyes. It's been a long time. The OG The Wicker man. And you should rewatch it now. Dude, Christopher Lee is perfect in that movie. I forgot. I feel like I thought it was boring earlier on and then when I rewatched it, I was like, this movie's great.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I don't know why. I guess I was just like folk horror. I think I'm kind of in and out on and I realized like folk Horror requires you to pay attention.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

So if you're kind of half paying attention, you're not gonna like it. If you're kind of looking at your phone, you're not going to be as brought into the world.

[Ed Larson]

I've been putting my phone in the other room during my horror viewing.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That's what I've been doing too now with movies. I've been leaving my phone outside.

[Ed Larson]

I'll just watch my phone the whole time like a fucking idiot.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah. Because we're children.

[Ed Larson]

I can't help myself.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah.

[Ed Larson]

I don't know why. If it's like on the couch and I kind of see the back of my phone, I'm like, oh, I wonder what's on the front.

[Henry Zabrowski]

People say that the Generation Z, the Gen Z are the worst with the phones. We're the worst with the phones. Millennials are by far the worst with the phones.

[Ed Larson]

That's because we did. They've grown their whole life with it, so they're kind of sick with it. We didn't have it.

[Henry Zabrowski]

We're still obsessed with the show. Kind of exciting that it exists, but it's not. It's bad for us.

[Ed Larson]

No.

[Henry Zabrowski]

No.

[Ed Larson]

It's killing us.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And I can't wait for the solo flare that will come and destroy all of it then.

[Ed Larson]

But that's also all of our careers.

[Henry Zabrowski]

No. Because we will go on the road.

[Ed Larson]

Oh.

[Henry Zabrowski]

We bring in the podcast.

[Ed Larson]

Street by street horse carriage. We're going to start working with.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That is how we. And honestly, Eddie, I think that's where people were. I think podcasting is too fast for us. I think that maybe the Internet's too immediate, too strong for us. That maybe we do need a troubadour like Existence. Us on the vaudeville circuit.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Would have been us at our best.

[Ed Larson]

News of the World, Tom Hanks from a week ago. Traveling. Yeah. Traveling the west.

[Henry Zabrowski]

It's a terrible movie, though.

[Ed Larson]

It is a bad movie. But I like the idea.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I like. That's what I'm hoping for. I want a postman like Existence. Existence. But it's for come the Kevin Costner plus man. Yes.

[Ed Larson]

That's a future movie. So you're actually correct.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Exactly. It's in them. But for come based humor.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, it'll exist.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Absolutely. Well, you can go to. You. You won't be able to hear a. A single comment about shooting ropes. It takes two weeks to hear. Talk about being glazed like a. One of those Hot Pockets.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Hot Pocket Glazer. Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

For a big old sloppy Virginia ham. You can't get shoots a shot all over it properly in your. And. And think about it. Unless I come. The postman's here.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. I've been oiling up my Halloween ham, by the way. Oh yeah. Which is. I'm very excited for my Halloween ham.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That's really rude. Just called Julie that because she's a beautiful woman.

[Ed Larson]

She is a beautiful woman and that's why she's my Halloween ham.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Hey, we all got different stories inside of our homes.

[Ed Larson]

Yes.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Now let's do some stories.

[Ed Larson]

I do have an update.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh, sure.

[Ed Larson]

Just a quick update on wood chippers.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh, awesome.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. Because you know, we. We know a little bit, but not too much. We had a cert certified arborist because.

[Henry Zabrowski]

We brought this up. I've got last week a man. He lost his legs his first day on the job with a wood chipper.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And again, we just joked about how happy he looked.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah. He was going like, yay.

[Ed Larson]

And we were kind of curious and like how fast a wood chipper works. Like was he.

[Henry Zabrowski]

There's no emergency press to grab.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. So we were. But this guy wrote it and he said your chipper talk this week. Which is a funny way to put it. This week on side stories inspired me to write in. I work with wood chippers often and as part of my job as a horticulturist, simply put, a plant person in a municipal park system.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Do you think if you suck a lot of dicks in that job, you put the whore in horticulturalists?

[Ed Larson]

Hey, come on. Hey. Probably. Although I've been working with these machines for about eight years now. I help train new seasonal staff and always warn them about the extreme dangers of using a chipper.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I feel like that's your first thing you should say.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Wood chipper. Hey. Kind of dangerous.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. Never wear loose clothing so tight. Yoga pants. Probably best.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah. One of those morph suits.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. Don't have gloves your hair down. Obvious reasons, but one. One time one of my co workers loose fitting gloves got snagged on a branch while feeding it into the chipper, which started to pull her arm into the feet. Thankfully, she was able to slip her hand out of the glove before ending up face first in the feed wheel. Another time, my coworker was using a rake to throw in the last bits of sticks and such into the chipper. Before he knew it, the wheel ate the rake right up. Metal pieces and all. Several rakes since then have lost their lives to the almighty chipper. So in essence, yes, the chipper will pretty much devour Anything that you will fit into the chamber.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That is absolutely. It's. That's frightening. But you know what's also interesting is that maybe they could use like what we saw in island when we went to go see the lava show. It's called the lava show.

[Ed Larson]

God, the lava show was cool.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And they just put lava in a room. I've never been in a room with lava.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And we were talking like.

[Ed Larson]

I feel like it seems like a stupid science experiment.

[Henry Zabrowski]

It is.

[Ed Larson]

Had a great time.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yes. And we went. The 25 year old girl that was dangling over the railing to play with the lava also gave us.

[Ed Larson]

She was riding that rail.

[Henry Zabrowski]

She really was like, I mean it. I think she was. One labia slipped. If one labia slip she would have went right face first into the lava.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And so we were watching the. It was hot in that room. But we brought up cuz we were the only people asking questions.

[Ed Larson]

We were on mushrooms too.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yes. But we were the only people asking questions saying, hey, like why would no one use lava as a method of execution in Viking time? So we asked a bunch of stuff. Yeah. Got nothing. Nothing returned. But I feel like that's a good alt for wood chippers, you know, I.

[Ed Larson]

Talked to another guy the day after you left because I stayed an extra day. Stefan, our driver.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh, I remember. Yeah, you good guy. He talked a lot about how Iceland's weed used to be. Iceland's weed used to be really good. And now they got smoked out by the Albanians.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, well, I didn't get any of it and. But anyway, so Stefan had a buddy who lost his foot to lava. They said. Yes.

[Henry Zabrowski]

He lost his whole heel.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, his heel. Yeah. And like. And then it ended up like taking. And it just like evaporated into nothing.

[Henry Zabrowski]

No, lava's hot. Don't let anybody tell you any different. Yeah, lava's super hot. And. But I feel like that would be a good thing to toss wood into.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, for sure.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Because remember she threw the disc of ice on it.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

We're all like 10ft from lava.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. No, it was wild.

[Henry Zabrowski]

There was no regulation cracking and shit. Oh yeah, dude. No, it was like lava.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. They were like, oh, we're trying to bring it to Hawaii. It's like there's too many rules in America for this show to exist.

[Henry Zabrowski]

They had A purposely built $350,000 in Michigan, by the way. So American made lava machine in the back of this place that squirts lava out of a little hole and then they wait for all the lava to cool they smash it up, put it back in the machine, and it squirts the lava out. They then told us that they're making a one that's three times bigger to go to Hawaii, which is going to. Basically, this is a Bond villain story beginning.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, my God.

[Henry Zabrowski]

They're just making their own lava. And if you're making their own lava, what else can they do? And if they have control over the lava, because guess what we saw. Lava is difficult to control and it's hard to stop. What are the police going to do against walls of lava?

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, we're like, how long is this lava going to be here before anyone can, you know, move it? She's like, ow. Six hours.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That's when they have to redo it. They have to go into the other theater.

[Ed Larson]

I didn't realize they had to build a second theater because it takes so long for the lava to cool.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Absolutely. Why do you think Dick Van Dyke had to stop doing matinees? Because they had to put him out. They had it. It's hard to put his bones back together in order to do the next show. It's very long process. But, yeah, we saw the.

[Ed Larson]

Go check that out.

[Henry Zabrowski]

If you're ever in east lot, go to the lava show. Because that was very, very interesting.

[Ed Larson]

Surprisingly awesome.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And because we were talking about, like, oh, this is probably stupid. And then you, me and our. And our road manager, Brian, we became like little boys when the lava came out. We're like, it's lava.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, my God. Science class day. When they just showed us the volcano movies, I was like, rock and roll. Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

We're like, oh, look at that. It's lava.

[Ed Larson]

Hell, yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

But then I will say for. And this is my note to the lava show. If they're listening. And their guide, the tour guide was lovely, the host was lovely and she was very informative. But you might need somebody with a little bit more upper arm strength to deal with the pole and the lava.

[Ed Larson]

Yes.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Because she was. There was a point where she was struggling with the lava.

[Ed Larson]

She could rocks, though. Oh, damn.

[Henry Zabrowski]

You can know rocks.

[Ed Larson]

I know rocks. You don't know rocks. Like, she knows rocks.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Well, of course not. I'm not a nerd. I'm kind of rock dweeb. I'm sorry, Ellie. I have a geologist friends. They're already getting mad at me. But I'm just saying, she waited for the lot of slava to slightly solidify and then she flips it like a pancake using just a pole to push it up. And it's like and she's like, look, it's hot. We were like, yeah, I know. And we had to take our clothes off.

[Ed Larson]

It was so hot.

[Henry Zabrowski]

It was so hot.

[Ed Larson]

We were in T shirt.

[Henry Zabrowski]

She's sweating over the thing going, it was kind of terrible trying to move this pole in and out of the lava. And me and Eddie are both like, oh, gosh.

[Ed Larson]

Also, she's like, it's my second show.

[Henry Zabrowski]

She's had a second show. And I was like, I feel like lava. It's not a thing that we fuck around with. Like, lava ate. There's no open mic night at the lava show, you know, because that's straight up lava. And it's just. But they're all like, well, we only make so much. So that's what keeps everyone safe.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

It was like, well, who knows? I felt like we were at Jurassic Park.

[Ed Larson]

I was very impressed.

[Henry Zabrowski]

We were both joking about how at some point we're like, it just feels like we're playing with an elemental level of earth and reality that might bite us in the ass. But until then, life finds a way.

[Ed Larson]

Go grab your lava making machines. Only $350,000.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And we got free. We got free rocks.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, we did. They gave us free rocks. Free shiny lava rocks.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Free shiny lava rocks. We're so easily fucking bought and sold.

[Ed Larson]

I literally turned into a little boy.

[Henry Zabrowski]

We all did. Wow. No way.

[Ed Larson]

That's global. Fly from your grave.

[Henry Zabrowski]

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[Ed Larson]

Thank you.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Protect your home with a 50 off a new SimpliSafe system plus a free indoor security camera. When you sign up for Fast Protect monitoring, just visit simplisafe.com lpotl that's simplisafe.com lpotL there's no safe like Simplisafe. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all in one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website. You're going to love it. Introducing design intelligence from Squarespace. Combining two decades of industry leading design expertise with cutting edge AI technology to unlock your strongest creative potential. As a man who's been shilling horse picks for up to three years, I'm ready to retire. And I hope that using Squarespace I can help give my empire to one little boy. Because it takes the imagination of a child to think of all the different ways horses can be pictorialized. Like the Glenn Close horse from the movie where she's got the big crazy hair and she kills the rabbit. Or you got the Mario brothers horses. I'm saying I need a child to replace me. Please. 30 children out there that want to purchase my website. It's so well made on squarespace.com check out squarespace.com for a free trial when you're ready to launch squarespace.com left to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. The holiday season is just around the corner, little girl. And we're all looking for ways to spend and stress less. Like me. I'm eating my reindeer because I found out their meat is succulent and delicious. But since I've already run out, it's time for me to get Hello Fresh. So much blood. HelloFresh makes mealtime nearly hassle free with delicious home delivered chef crafted recipes that come together quick and are less expensive than takeout. And it's nice cause it give time for Mrs. Claus to shop for lingerie. Oh yes, thank you. Hello Fresh. I know when I'm looking upon my elves practice making toys. It's shirtless down to the waist. I know I'm watching the finest toy making professionals in the world. And I don't need to worry about my factory because it's in good hands. While I'm eating. Hello Fresh. Watching. Watching through the cameras. Watching as they work. Oh, Mrs. Claus is here. Time to wrap up the commercial. Get 10 free [e-mail] Freelance applied across seven boxes. New subscribers only. Varies by plan. That's 10 free hello fresh meals. Just go to hellofresh.com free lpotl all right, let's get to some stories.

[Ed Larson]

Yes.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Now this is speaking of lava, I wanted to do this first story because at first this story sounded very straightforward, but now we're seeing that it's actually a little bit more complicated. We don't really know what's Going on. This happened in our neighbors up north in Ye Olde Canadia and they got some of our Walmart disease, right? So obviously we're spreading Walmart's everywhere. This is a Walmart super center. You know it's a fake one because they spell it wrong with the R and the E. No, no, no, I'm joking. Because it's Canadian and it's British or whatever it is, right? So they say they super sentry, right? That's what they call them, Walmart super sentries. Now this a person here, this is Halifax, walked into a 19 year old.

[Ed Larson]

You just bring it to a Kinko's and they do it for you.

[Henry Zabrowski]

What?

[Ed Larson]

That's how you fax did you. Are you mad that I interrupted you? This poor girl.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I'm doing my best, I'm just doing my best to try to figure out how to concisely deliver the log lines of articles. You know what I mean? It's so. It's my. The part I am least good at as host. So let me ramp it back up. Halifax, Eddie.

[Ed Larson]

I mean you dial it, you know, you press 9, then 1 and the.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Maritime 6 Society on Thursday they identified the victim at this local Walmart. Her name is Gerson Ran Kaur. She's from India. She was a young. According this according to them, which is nice to say. They said she was a young beautiful girl who came to Canada with big dreams. Now this is from her fundraising page. So she got locked into what they have these giant walk in ovens. I believe it's for the various bread products. They have cookies, all the kind of thing that they serve at the bakery in Walmart. And she got locked into it and she wasn't found till the next day by her mother who also worked at the same Walmart. And she was literally turned into jerky. She was completely cooked. Now this is, it's a horrific story they came into. Having the mother find it was really rough on her. They. She spent hours looking for her daughter, couldn't figure out where she was. Was finally discovered her inside of the oven. Now. Yeah, first blush, horrible accident. What happens last week? I find it interesting because we didn't get to cover the direct stories from last week because we were away, we were in Iceland. But if you look at the old stories and you see how last week they said Walmart had a mysterious accidental death in a Canadian super center but they didn't want to talk about it at all. So this stuff is now slowly the only reason why it's getting leaked out at all is because the mother decided to. They put together a GoFundMe and they were allowed. She was I guess allowed to state the name of the person that got hurt. Right. That got killed under Walmart's jurisdiction. But apparently that's wasn't what Walmart wanted to happen at all. They've been trying to keep this under wraps because one thing they're trying to figure out is whether or not she was on shift. Because if she was on shift, the person that is largely responsible is the shift manager. And the reason why we now know that it's. This is getting weird is because since the story came out, everyone of course, and Walmart too, everyone. What a horrible accident.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

She must have went in, either went in to go get something inside the oven quickly or was retrieving something and they said oh, maybe what happened was that the door bounced against the wall, she opened it too hard, door bounced against the wall and the oven door closed accidentally behind her. Or she did something to accidentally close the door behind her. And they cut to TikTok. Right. Then once they're ready to do TikTok, I obviously don't, I'm not a huge fan of. Yeah, but when they get it right, they get it right.

[Ed Larson]

There's a lot of detectives on there.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yes. And that you had several people that were employees of Walmart show on TikTok. How explicitly. It's almost impossible to have that door closed behind you accidentally.

[Ed Larson]

Well, I know. And they do that with the freezers in restaurants.

[Henry Zabrowski]

So if you could see the way there is a mechanism, I believe that. What account is this? The Brandon gones show on TikTok. God knows. But this is just where we've seen the clip and it shows a Walmart employee showing that there is like a stop gap. The door rolls. There's a very heavy door to the walk in oven.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And the door rolls to a close and then bounces against a barrier and then it needs to be fully clicked in and on the inside there's the release. There's a release pulp. There's a release bulb.

[Ed Larson]

So which is what's in freezers as well. It looks exactly the same.

[Henry Zabrowski]

So now we're saying this is extremely mysterious. This has now went from total accident. So Walmart is trying to keep this under wraps.

[Ed Larson]

There's no cameras.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That's. This is now we're trying to figure this out. They are going through all of the camera footage. They're going through everything because they don't know who it is. Obviously also, you know who's Suspect number one is the mother.

[Ed Larson]

Why?

[Henry Zabrowski]

Because she found her and she was also working at the Walmart, so.

[Ed Larson]

But the thing is like she found her. Was she distraught?

[Henry Zabrowski]

She was a deeply distraught. But there are many people that have faked being distraught after doing a crime. I mean it's the truth. There's many people kill your daughter. People make up shit all the time. We just talked about, you know, like Casey Anthony. We talked about the case Sarah Boone, who finally got that guilty verdict that she was fucking begging for the suitcase murder where she zipped up her boyfriend in the suitcase and he died. Where like she changed her story 90 different ways before they finally. But she, they had her dead to rights on video showing that she mercilessly killed her boyfriend, whatever the it was that was going on, but he was not at present danger at the time of the murder. Now you see here they're all saying like why was she even in the oven in the first place? They're all. No one knows why. What it seems is, the big issue is, is that there's, there's usually a lot of according. This is according to the labor department. There's obviously a lot we don't know. There's usually a lot of safety protocols in place for equipment like this, but the safety protocols only work if they're checked on later and verified that they're still operating. What they're trying to figure out is whether or not this is just. Is this the most extreme case of a manager checked out, walked away, said ah fuck it, you guys can handle. You guys done this a million times and then a horrible accident occurs. Like a million to one shot accident occurs that locks the thing behind you.

[Ed Larson]

But she would have, she could press.

[Henry Zabrowski]

The button to get out unless something fell against the door or you know.

[Ed Larson]

She was unconscious when she went in there.

[Henry Zabrowski]

But that's what then is that murder then? How does that, how does you. How are we getting unconscious inside of your workplace?

[Ed Larson]

What if the gas killed her?

[Henry Zabrowski]

Don't know they say. I don't know if it works like that. I don't know if it's, if it's cooking. I don't know if it's a gas up oven.

[Ed Larson]

If it's bacon cookies, we could assume it's like 350. 375.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah, but it could be electric.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, I know, but how long do you think it takes to die at 350 degrees?

[Henry Zabrowski]

Well, an hour at least.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, like imagine it would run out of oxygen pretty fast.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah, it's not fun.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah, it's not a cool way to die. It's not like getting blown to death.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, no, for sure. It's, you know, same.

[Henry Zabrowski]

It's not the same.

[Ed Larson]

It's definitely not the same, but it seems. I don't know. I would think it'd be like. Like. I don't know. I think less than an hour ain't good. Either way, you're in there for a little bit.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh, yeah.

[Ed Larson]

It's not just like, you're not toasted immediately.

[Henry Zabrowski]

No, no, no, no, no. No Quiznos now.

[Ed Larson]

How long was she in there? Overnight.

[Henry Zabrowski]

They saying. They. She. They think that she was there for many, many hours.

[Ed Larson]

This is gonna. This is kind of a, I guess, an inappropriate question, but was she, like, cooked? Was she, like.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah.

[Ed Larson]

Was she, like, done?

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh, yeah, you know, like, past the recommended serving temperature.

[Ed Larson]

That's crazy.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah, she's way over medium rare.

[Ed Larson]

Wow.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This was not a. That again. Yeah. Gordon Ramsey wasn't doing this is. Somebody else was doing this. This is like airport food was what she got turned into.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

When that's. You know, no one deserves that treat based me. All right, I'm saying this right now, but you can support the family of German. She lost her life at Walmart. Right now it's up to $194,000 canad. Yeah, exactly. They pour maple syrup and a pocketbook and they hand it to you. That's racism. And I'm sorry, we're trying to end racism on the show, and I won't do that to you. But, yes. This is the yes. So go support if you want. I'm certain we'll find out. It will be a horrible tragedy if you gave a bunch of money and it turns out the mom's responsible. But we'll find out.

[Ed Larson]

Well, either way. I mean, you know, her father and brother in India, and they got to get them over here and, I don't know, just give them money. It's. It's one of those things where it's like, Jesus.

[Henry Zabrowski]

My thing is, if I'm in India and I found out that my. My sweet daughter went to Canada to have a better life and she got cooked in an oven, I'll be like, let's stay in India.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Let's not go to Canada. That's what I would say. I'd be like, sounds like things are not much better over there.

[Ed Larson]

Well, you got to go and kick some ass and then come back.

[Henry Zabrowski]

No, I can't. The worst about kicking Canadian asses, they just go like, oh, I'M sorry.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. Thank you.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh, you're right.

[Ed Larson]

Well, they love to fight. Fight.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh, they fight.

[Ed Larson]

They fight. They love throwing it. They having a go.

[Henry Zabrowski]

They like losing fights.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, that's how you Hockey is all fights.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That's what they do. It's simulated.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

You know what I mean. Before it gets full murder. Before you get full on MMA level.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

They just gotta fight over each other's clothes and almost like a God in a sexy way.

[Ed Larson]

God, don't let me die at Walmart.

[Henry Zabrowski]

No, I won't. I'll pull your body out to make sure you die in the parking lot.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, yeah. At least the parking lot.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah, I'll make sure you don't. You don't become another swept under the rug corporate mishap.

[Ed Larson]

Man. You know they're terrified after Tracy Morgan took all that money from them.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Well Tracy Morgan also had great lawyers and they completely up. These people have not they just. These people they can just elite.

[Ed Larson]

Exactly.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Enough.

[Ed Larson]

I want Tracy Morgan to get involved.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh, another one. Make me more. If he just was constantly Walmart villain every day he showed up and he's Walmart's joker. Nothing would make me happier. He's just being like him to show up looking for money again. I'm gonna get money for these guys. Yeah. He deserved it. God, he deserved it. This is not the only mystery this week. There's a bunch of mysteries this jam packed week.

[Ed Larson]

Jam packed week.

[Henry Zabrowski]

So this next story is another mystery. So this happened in this is what state? Montana. Ah. Everyone's favorite. Two weeks. No. Two weeks after a camper in Montana. They found him this guy that. They found him dead. A guy named Dustin. I think it's cure them. He was 35 years old. He was found in his tent dead earlier this month. And he looked like he was killed by a bear.

[Ed Larson]

That's what his friend said.

[Henry Zabrowski]

When they found him he was completely torn to pieces. They freaked out. They did some investigation. They said there's no evidence of bear activity. But we do see some with an ax activity. So it looks like this got caught up by a godamn X. Yeah.

[Ed Larson]

And like someone chopped the out of him. And it so much that it looked like a bear attack him. They hit him in the head with the axe.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Meanwhile bear is just going in like don't put this on me.

[Ed Larson]

Amen.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I eat the guts. I eat the butt.

[Ed Larson]

RIP399 we lost one of the most famous bears in the world this week. They got hit by a car.

[Henry Zabrowski]

399 did he like change his name, like, what's his name? Like, oo, cinco.

[Ed Larson]

You know, it's cute. But I take this to heart. This. This beautiful bear she's delivered. She's sired so many. 300 big.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I mean, she's like the Kate Gosselin of bears.

[Ed Larson]

She every. And she likes to hang out by people as a protection. And because of that, she got hit by a car and she died.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That's really very.

[Ed Larson]

I literally watched the documentary about her on the plane back from Iceland and then I landed and it's like, she's dead. She got hit by a car.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Jesus Christ. Never fall in love with a bear. Never fall in love with a bear. You never know what's going on.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. So this is, you know, this is. This anti bear bullshit.

[Henry Zabrowski]

No. Well, this is.

[Ed Larson]

Will not stand.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Technically, the bear was.

[Ed Larson]

There's no bear.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Someone tried to blackmail a bear. Yeah, that's what this is about.

[Ed Larson]

So many bears almost got shot in the head.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And I'm telling you this right now, bears, if someone's trying to blackmail you, you just spread that. Take control of the narrative. If you're having an affair with a goat and you're afraid your bear wife's gonna find out and the goat's saying, hey, guess what? If you don't tell everybody, I'm gonna steal your berries or whatever, you know, tell your wife. Tell your wife honestly. I mean, this bear. Tell your wife because you'll get over it. You'll heal.

[Ed Larson]

Well, bears, the male bears are solitary.

[Henry Zabrowski]

So good for them.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Now this guy.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, God, this is so brutal.

[Henry Zabrowski]

They are really getting into it now because they're now seeing that things were missing from the crime scene.

[Ed Larson]

They have no idea who did this.

[Henry Zabrowski]

None.

[Ed Larson]

No one has been arrested.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And they're pretty certain that whatever it was that was done to him was done with what he already had. So they said they're looking for a blue and silver est wing camp ax with a 26 inch handle as well as a Remington shotgun and a ruger. They were all taken. His car and also his cooler was taken.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

The beers, his guns and his ax. If you take that from a Montanan, you might as well kill him.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, my God.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And that's all he's got. That's what he has.

[Ed Larson]

They love their yeti coolers out there, dude.

[Henry Zabrowski]

They fucking love their fucking. They love the cooler so much, they named it after their favorite cryptid to. In the woods right now this is. But we have no idea. There was no cameras. He was out in the middle of this Wildlife reserve. I believe it was in the. I forget which reserve it was in. He was at the Moose Creek Road. Apparently that was like it was a makeshift campsite. He was in the middle of the forest and no one has any idea what's happening to him. We don't know what happened to him. There's no evidence and maybe we'll. We'll find that out.

[Ed Larson]

Knows multiple chop wounds. They're still looking for the person who did this.

[Henry Zabrowski]

It might have just been a of. Yes. This is more of a. The other. I feel like the Walmart oven story is a more of a complicated mystery because we don't quite know what's going on.

[Ed Larson]

Well his GoFundMe 24,000.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah. Nice. See. So actually double standard.

[Ed Larson]

Can we. If we could.

[Henry Zabrowski]

It's for men. It's a double standard.

[Ed Larson]

Fund me I think.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Where's his money going? To the local weed store. Is it going to the his buddy's DND group?

[Ed Larson]

Probably going to need a new axe.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh his kids.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That's going first.

[Ed Larson]

His.

[Henry Zabrowski]

His kids.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

So yeah. He's a brother and he's a skilled tradesman and he's a doting father.

[Ed Larson]

So.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And that's actually quite sad. So yeah. Yeah. Give to his stuff. Give to his stuff. Dustin Kum K J E R S E M you can give it there about $25,000. R about $25,000 raised poultry sum in comparison to the cute young lady.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. Now kind of looks like Palin.

[Henry Zabrowski]

He does look like our old buddy Palin. Wow. He does kind of.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Used to live with us. Eddie and I used to live together in a two floor apartment that we turned into a bit of a slum.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. We destroyed it. Yeah. Yeah. And we would have been sued if everyone else didn't sue the people who own the place.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Sometimes you just gotta be faster than the other guy. You know what I mean? You don't gotta be faster than the tiger. You just gotta be faster than the guy next year.

[Ed Larson]

That's amen.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That's a legal game. So we'll find out. I feel like we're looking at a drifter. This might be a drifter level killer because. Because of the thievery. If. If he was just chopped up. I think this would be slightly more like woo woo spooky where it's way more that because everything was stolen as I think that it might have just been a bad forest person. We all think. I think because I'm a city person that the forest is just filled with animals. But actually, sometimes I think that the forest is filled with worse people than in the cities. Yeah.

[Ed Larson]

You're lucky if it's the an animals you run into.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I think that out there, if you're a person that's like out out there, you're much more like unpredictable than a person within the city.

[Ed Larson]

This definitely proves that viral thing that the ladies are talking about. How they'd rather run into a bear. Yes. Because this is obviously a man who framed a bear. It's like the ultimate proof that that's true.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Unless again, it's a goat or a pig.

[Ed Larson]

They would need fingers in order to hold the ax.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Use their mouths, tape it to their hooves.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I still feel like the man is better than the bear, but I do know what they're saying. Yes, allegorically.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Now let's go. We have. All right, we got a couple. This is another good story. That was really a up. Now I'm happy I haven't had kids. Kids every day. Like, there's never not been a day that I've woken up jazz that I don't have children.

[Ed Larson]

Well, I'm happy that you don't have children as well. I mean, I'd have to be with them all the time if I had him.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I would be a good father.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, for sure.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I'd be a doting and controlling father. Yeah. And I'd raise them in a comedy like boot camp. I would raise them physically to do physical. They would do fighting, training, gymnastics, and in comedic and theatrical arts each day.

[Ed Larson]

My nanny would be a great father.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yes. Oh, God. My nanny would be the best father, my father, my children would ever know. They would. Oh, God. My nanny would be such an incredible force in their lives.

[Ed Larson]

I could see you rounding up some children and having them later in your life. You just adopt a bunch of kids.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh, yeah. Natalie and I were talking about. I gave her this idea of like, what if I. What if we adopt a 17 year old from, you know, University of Michigan? She's a marine biologist major. She needs to be raised up into a thing, you know, I mean, and she said no. She said no. But yeah, I think I'm infertile, but.

[Ed Larson]

I'm thankful I know my semen so dumb it comes out my butt.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That's white. You're dying. No, this. Here we go. Now here, this is a story that is effed. So a woman. I'm going to loosely say that a woman. Tara Sykes, 36, Pensacola, Florida. Oh. Of course, she was convicted by using. What is Roblox. Roblox is like a computer. It's a game. Right.

[Ed Larson]

Child's like. I think it's almost like Math Blaster.

[Henry Zabrowski]

But I might be wrong. It's an online game platform. All right, so it's like a little thing. Right? They do, they do. It's a game for the kids. It's like Minecraft. But I get. Yes, you can talk to.

[Ed Larson]

There's a chat.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yes, there's a chat function. And so this lady decided Tera Sykes to talk to this 10 year old girl and try to convince her through Roblox to kill a two month old.

[Ed Larson]

Boy and her parents.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And the parents now according to. We find out that they might have had some previous relationship sykes in this 10 year old. Yeah, the girl, the 10 year old girl said she was extremely frightened talking to this person online. And this woman, she entered up. She went as far as to drop her two month old brother on the floor.

[Ed Larson]

On his head.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah. To give him a. And he had a literal like a head injury.

[Ed Larson]

Crack the skull.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Crack the skull open. And the basically little girl is not culpable. She was so afraid.

[Ed Larson]

She's 10.

[Henry Zabrowski]

She's 10. She had no idea what was going on. But this woman messaged her through roadblocks that was like talking her through it, trying to say you got to kill the baby. You have to kill the baby. Drown the infant. This is, this is according. This is a sentence Tanya sent to this 10 year old girl. Drown the infant in the bathtub, burn the infant with scolding water. Drop the infant on the floor to kill the infant. And it's like I don't know why.

[Ed Larson]

Lots of options there. She also said that she should slit.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Her parents throats while they slept and burn their bodies. Foster chair. Cuz they were foster parents.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. They said cover their, cover their blankets in aerosol and then light it on fire. She actually went as far as to cover the blankets in aerosol.

[Henry Zabrowski]

She went. She spiked the baby like she was Dion Sanders. She went upstairs, stairs, she sprayed the whole thing down with aerosol. The parents woke up and that's when they realized what in the living is going on here. But we don't know yet what going on, what their actual relationship was because they're saying that like that's what we kind. This is one of those where this is not an ungroomed crime. There's no way this little girl just immediately jumped into doing this. This is something that this Tera Sykes woman has been working on. Yeah. This kid doing. Because this woman was also already previously arrested.

[Ed Larson]

And her husband.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yes, James Sykes, her husb. Husband. They allowed a 20 year old man to live in their home after he impregnated their teen daughter. So it's like a whole long, very complicated story where they had an underage daughter that was be. That got sexually battered by a 20 year old named Kyle Myers. They never filed any charges against him. They were living in there and they were just. It's just all. It's pretty gross.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. No, this is a demon. This is a demon woman.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yes.

[Ed Larson]

She didn't get locked up for a while.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh yeah, because her, the baby that was just like left at her house. They. They arrested her for child neglect on the other baby. So this woman's a problem.

[Ed Larson]

And Pensacola's tough town. Jaws too. There it is.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah. And it will be one of those that will be sucked into the ocean within the next 10 years and that's where she'll be. Down there amongst the coral. But yeah, it's a horrible story.

[Ed Larson]

Yes, it is.

[Henry Zabrowski]

But hey, they didn't get the kid. Kid's not dead. All right, we dead parents not dead.

[Ed Larson]

Well, the parents are dead and some children are dead in Fall City.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Not on this story.

[Ed Larson]

No, this is. I'm. I'm moving to a new story.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Cool.

[Ed Larson]

There is a. A boy, a 15 year old boy shot his parents and three siblings dead. And then this is outside of Seattle. They're very well off. And he shot and then he tried to Frame Name his 13 year old brother as saying as like as a murder suicide for the whole thing.

[Henry Zabrowski]

What's his name?

[Ed Larson]

His name. The 15 year old boy killed his parents and three siblings in fall City, Washington. I don't have the kid's name but the father's name is Mark Humaston and his wife Sarah. He was a. He was an electrical engineer and his wife was a registered nurse. They had a luxury 1.4 million dollar home. This is where I like Daily mail. They always tell you how much their property is worth.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah, yeah, they're good and classless.

[Ed Larson]

But it was 30 miles outside of Seattle and like nothing ever happens in this town. It's one of those places where it's like they. It's like someone stole someone's mail a couple years ago. You know, it's like one of those neighborhoods.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And the kid apparently when he called the 911 on himself when he called to try to blame his little brother. It sounds just like, like a little like. Just like a older brother. My brother just shot my whole family and committed suicide too.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, Cuz he just put the hand. Just put the Glock in the kid's hand.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yes.

[Ed Larson]

And obviously he had no residue on his hand and the bullet hole didn't match up where it should have been.

[Henry Zabrowski]

But you know what stopped him?

[Ed Larson]

What?

[Henry Zabrowski]

His meddling little sister. So his little sister hid and. And actually was the one that told the police that he was the one that killed everyone. So the little sister, actually, she. She lived. Survived.

[Ed Larson]

The 11 year old.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah. She's legitimately going to be Lori Strode.

[Ed Larson]

Yes.

[Henry Zabrowski]

You know, as this guy gets out of jail later on to become Mich. Never getting out. You know, juvenile. Well, with juvenile cases it's. It is interesting.

[Ed Larson]

Kill the whole family.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Well, now like you look at the Slender Girl Killers, like the Slender Man Killers, like they are still one who got out, the other one's still begging to get out. It's going to. Might be a little bit. You're looking at. The Menendez brothers are really close to getting out, but that's all different.

[Ed Larson]

They' there's like a motive there.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I mean, we don't know what's developing. Mental illness. And you're 15 years old, you don't know what the hell you're doing.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Like even though. Yeah. You're killing everybody. I doubt he gets. I'm saying he. I doubt he gets out of jail.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

But when you kill somebody that early, a lot of times there. There ends up popping up a chance every once in a while.

[Ed Larson]

Man, I don't know. 15 is like the age where you can almost be tried as adult.

[Henry Zabrowski]

He will probably not see the outside of a jail cell. Urgent.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. No, for sure. But yeah, no, it's. It's a crazy. He, the family, everyone says they was totally sweet and all that stuff, you know, you never know.

[Henry Zabrowski]

This why you don't have kids?

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Cuz. No, think about this. This sounds like an amazing life. What an amazing life these kid. These kids had.

[Ed Larson]

You know what I mean?

[Henry Zabrowski]

Look at this. This a nice neighborhood. Unless he's get. Unless they're all getting the finger treatment from daddy Pants, right?

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Then things aren't that bad. You can't just be mad about living in the suburbs. Suburbs. That's why you start rap metal. Okay, listen to me. If you're in the suburbs right now and you're upset, that's why you go and you smoke resin and you make up rap metal. You don't kill your family.

[Ed Larson]

There's plenty of rap metal in Seattle.

[Henry Zabrowski]

There's so much you just got like. I'm trying to think what else? What's another good thing for suburb kids? You learn to skateboard.

[Ed Larson]

Oh yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Start trying to sound like an African American older gentleman Bottle cap collection.

[Ed Larson]

Yes.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Get your broccoli haircuts.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. Oh, they love their broccoli haircuts.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That takes three hours to get the perm.

[Ed Larson]

Really? Really.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Look at them. They all look like my mother from 1992.

[Ed Larson]

I was thinking about doing it.

[Henry Zabrowski]

You want to get the broccoli? I don't know.

[Ed Larson]

I'm thinking about. Maybe I should do a little makeover.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I think that if we made you look, I'd do a full Gen Z thing on you.

[Ed Larson]

I. I think that might be in order.

[Henry Zabrowski]

The only thing is Julie won't touch me. No. But you know what also is that. And this is not a body shame thing.

[Ed Larson]

Am I too big? There's fat ones.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I've seen them fat and muscular.

[Ed Larson]

I did. I'm, I'm, you know.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Well, you're big.

[Ed Larson]

Yes.

[Henry Zabrowski]

There's a difference.

[Ed Larson]

I don't know.

[Henry Zabrowski]

You might be too broad shoulder to be Gen Z. Most. Most Gen Z is pretty stoop shouldered.

[Ed Larson]

I don't. There's some offensive linemen, I'd say in high school that got the broccoli haircut.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah, I guess they must. But, but those are. Those frighten me the most.

[Ed Larson]

Wow. Does this kid inspire us?

[Henry Zabrowski]

Wow. But you gotta go make things so complicated. See the B act. Somebody else got me fr. That's me, man. I know.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Suburbs. Anx. Henry Zabrowski.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. Oh, and here's a. Here's a story that, you know. Let's go a little lighter. We've been pretty heavy today, if that's all right.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I've been laughing a lot.

[Ed Larson]

I've been. I know, but the content is upsetting.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah. I mean, sure.

[Ed Larson]

But this is also kind of upsetting, to be honest with you. We were just in Auckland, New Zealand and now they. The New Zealand government says that airports are hot beds of emotion. And they're saying that you have to keep your hugging and goodbyes to three minutes or less when you're going to the airport.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I'm going to put it this way. After the time we spent in New Zealand. It's a very New Zealand rule.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Like it is a idea that you. They can even. Are they going to time you?

[Ed Larson]

They said your hugs, they said the hug has to be as brief as 20 seconds.

[Henry Zabrowski]

What does any even mean? How would you even know? Yeah, how would you know? Are you going to be staring at families as they all hug each other? Like a state. That's it. You're done. You're done.

[Ed Larson]

No more touching.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That's enough. That's done. I don't care if she's from Sri Lanka.

[Ed Larson]

They said, if you want to have a long hug, go to the parking lot.

[Henry Zabrowski]

What are you talking about? I'm not going out there. Like, we're. I'm getting a rubbing hug. I'm getting a hug from my grandmother.

[Ed Larson]

The parking lot allows 15 minute hugs.

[Henry Zabrowski]

15 minute free of charge. So I can't hug as much as I want in the open air of God. I literally can't hug as much as I physically can handle because that's what this is about.

[Ed Larson]

The CEO says their team has seen interesting things go on over the years. You're a dad. What?

[Henry Zabrowski]

People talking to long doesn't make any sense.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, yeah. So no more.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Did they say anything to Russell Brand when he did a full national tour in there? Sound like some of his hugs were pretty aggressive. Do they come after they have or do they let him fly through customs?

[Ed Larson]

But at the same time, I mean, like, you know, sometimes you just want to get out of there.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Well, it's also, it's kind of nice. Like, how long can you really hug your Uber driver? Well, you could just be like, hey, you know, listen, Mark Von, I love you so much. And honestly, everything we've been through at this carousel has been. Has meant so much to me. But I, like, unfortunately, I can't hug you anymore. According to the law, we have to stop hugging.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, Right.

[Henry Zabrowski]

So you go back to your home, you go back to your family and whatever country you're from. Okay? I love you, God. I love you, Mar.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

God, I wish. I wish we could be together, Maron. But your culture and mine do not matter. Match. All right, so please, love a God, release me, because if not, I'm going to call the airport police.

[Ed Larson]

There's one more fun story I really wanted to get into before we move on. There's a man in Greece.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Well, this is very. This is one of those where this.

[Ed Larson]

Guy, 28 years old Greek man.

[Henry Zabrowski]

He doesn't look like he's 28 years old.

[Ed Larson]

Well, they never do when they commit weird crimes.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah, he's been sniffing shoes.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

He's been breaking into people's, like, homes. And like, these are all outside, outside shoes. That's the thing. I feel like even I am like, obviously I know it's a violation. And people get mad when we say, like, what kind of violation is it? But it's just like, you know, he's.

[Ed Larson]

Been repeatedly trespassing on his neighbor's property. They don't know their shoes that they leave outside.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh, God. And he came from Thessaloniki, which sounds like a. Kind of like a foot medication.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Now.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

He's on this. He's trespassed several times.

[Ed Larson]

It's a small town.

[Henry Zabrowski]

He breaks in, he sneeze, sniffs the shoes. According to him, he says, I do not know exactly how I came to do this act. I feel very ashamed, disappointed in myself. I can't explain it. I will ask for support to see what is happening and not to make it worse. He says he's going to call his doctor. Dr. Scholes.

[Ed Larson]

The neighbor said that he's never acted violently.

[Henry Zabrowski]

No, you know, he doesn't. He's not. You know why? Because he can access his shoes.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And if he doesn't have his stinky shoes, he might get violent. I don't know.

[Ed Larson]

And so then they said that they got. They eventually got sick of this guy smelling their shoes.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah.

[Ed Larson]

And they got upset. They went to the police.

[Henry Zabrowski]

It's a weird day. It's a lot, you know, and they.

[Ed Larson]

Said the next time they catch the guy doing it to call 911. And then they would, they would show up and, you know, once they caught him in the act.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Because the cops don't want to deal with it.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

You know, that they don't want to.

[Ed Larson]

Deal with issues also, at this point. Are you. You're setting up, up.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh, yeah.

[Ed Larson]

You're leaving the shoes out as bait now. Well, now you say now you're encouraging it.

[Henry Zabrowski]

You're enabling him.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. That's what you're saying.

[Henry Zabrowski]

So you mean, you mean he's letting. You're letting these stinky hiking boots out there like little sluts in a row sitting up there with their whale tails hanging out, begging to get their holes sniffed.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, man. The 60 year old neighbor who filed the complaint against the younger neighbor smelling their shoes told the court that he spotted the defendant three times on their property, adding that other neighbors had also caught him sniffing their shoes over. Over the past six months.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Hey, man, maybe he's just got a brand. Maybe you got a brand he likes.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. And he copped to it immediately.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh, yeah. What's he gonna do? I wasn't sniffing shoes.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah, it's. Hey, hey, you know, again, whatever gets you through the night. Yeah, just. Someone just give him shoes.

[Ed Larson]

Stinky shoes.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Just, just also thrift store, is it not like, I guess a lot of it Give a job at a bowling alley. I think sometimes I wonder if it is obviously the transgression because it's some point just smell your own shoes.

[Ed Larson]

Well, that's not fun.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Why though?

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

When another abor ask, pretend it's somebody else's shoes.

[Ed Larson]

Well, here you go, Henry. When another neighbor asked him why he was doing it, he said because it makes my life better.

[Henry Zabrowski]

It obviously doesn't, buddy. You're in jail.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

You know what I mean.

[Ed Larson]

A month they gave him and then three years probation. I think that's.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh, it's. It is. It's intense. It's a little much. It's intense. You probably could have slapped him with a pro parole or whatever. But I do feel like. How do you feel like. Have you ever gotten positive validation once from smelling someone else's shoes? Has someone. I'm just saying, has smelling shoes ever led anybody to Carnegie Hall? It doesn't improve your life.

[Ed Larson]

I see you, see you just. You look at yourself and you're just a shoe sniffer. But when I see you, I'm thinking you could be sniffing shoes at Carnegie Hall.

[Henry Zabrowski]

All right, so listen, just give me 10%. I'm your new manager. I'm taking you all the way. Then I just fucking kill them and steal the shoes. You know, it's. It's hard. You know, it's just getting harder and harder out there to have a fetish. And so you just gotta. You gotta deal with a community of like minded individuals that will help you get access to stinky shoes. They're out there. They're all over the Internet. Yeah, you can buy stinky panties, stinky shot children's shoes. Anybody? Yeah, it's not even get a job.

[Ed Larson]

At a nursing home.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I know several grown ass women that will take full real money and they will give you their old shoes.

[Ed Larson]

I watched Quentin Tarantino drink champagne out of Uma Thurman shoe.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yes, we all did.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, that was. That was bizarre.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah, he's. Well, that's how you get a throat infection. Yeah, that's the reason why I didn't do a shoey when everyone was trying to make me do it in Australia.

[Ed Larson]

Oh yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Cuz you get a throat infection. I was like, I got to. I have to talk. Sadly, this is me talking professionally.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, no, you can't be with that. Especially on tour. Flies from your grave.

[Henry Zabrowski]

The days are getting shorter, but the action on DraftKings Casino is here to stay. Play hundreds of games for endless excitement. Excitement. New players can play just 5 bucks and get 50 instantly. In casino credits, download the DraftKings casino app and sign up with code LPOTL. Then press play on your favorite games to join the fun. The crown is yours. Gambling problem. Call 1-800-GAMBLER or in West Virginia, visit www.1-800GAMBLER.net. In Connecticut, help is available. For problem gambling, call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org Please play responsibly. 21/physically president. Connecticut, Michigan, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, West Virginia only avoiding Ontario eligibility and other restrictions apply. One offer per new casino customer. Casino credits are non withdrawable and expire in 168 hours. [e-mail] Get 50 ends November 24, 2024. And now it is time for some listener pastas. Oh. Oh, creepy.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, it's just upsetting that we don't actually get pasta during these.

[Henry Zabrowski]

We can't have pasta anymore.

[Ed Larson]

We shouldn't have had pasta anymore because.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Now we are too old to have fun.

[Ed Larson]

Is it crazy that they tell you you gotta stop pasta?

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah, it makes me super angry.

[Ed Larson]

Talk about spooky.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh, yeah, yeah. I don't. That makes me angry. I wish we could have pasta. I blame the Italians. I think they purposely gave us bad pasta. So that bad in America, but it's good in Italy.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. So we have two listener pastas each.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Now we're just going to do this just because we got. We did. Honestly, we had a tremendous amount.

[Ed Larson]

A lot got sent in.

[Henry Zabrowski]

We got a lot sent in. I think we're gonna try to read some more suit.

[Ed Larson]

But these are the ones listeners eating. I think that'd be better. Really put some time into it.

[Henry Zabrowski]

You just want food.

[Ed Larson]

I'm starving.

[Henry Zabrowski]

You sir hungry. I know you want pasta. We can't have pasta. No, no, you can't. You have protein. You get protein and you're gonna like it. You get protein and you get vegetables. Because that's what we're supposed to eat. Because the second I eat pasta, as soon as I smile, I know I'm in trouble.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. I do the. The Greek roasted chicken salad at Zanku.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah, it's fine.

[Ed Larson]

That's keeping me alive.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yep. I eat out of. I eat out of spite.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, no, exactly. It's one of those where like, go yourself. Every time I put a fork into it, I just.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I go. I just forced myself to eat leaves.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. I hope you die.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Y. I hate the leaves. But I I talking to the leaves. Yes, the leaves. Not us, not the food.

[Ed Larson]

But I want Henry to live for at least 10 more years.

[Henry Zabrowski]

All right, now that we just talked about this, the spookiest thing of all, how our diets have to change.

[Ed Larson]

Italy is trying to kill us.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Post 40 life is too real to be not frightening. But first, let's get into this ritual. Now, this was a ritual written in by the Corn Man.

[Ed Larson]

The Corn Man?

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yes.

[Ed Larson]

All right. Is that is a Christian name?

[Henry Zabrowski]

I think so. Corn Man. Perform this ritual if you are feeling negative energy. To perform the ritual, you need the following. A cell phone with cell surface. A bathroom with a locking door. A mirror is optional.

[Ed Larson]

I got one.

[Henry Zabrowski]

To perform the ritual, first, lock yourself in the bathroom. Done. If you do, do not lock the door. You have not performed the ritual incorrectly, but you may welcome unwanted spirits in. What?

[Ed Larson]

If you want to get out, you.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Just better fucking be ready to perform the ritual. Open your Internet browser. If you do not use incognito mode, you have performed the ritual incorrectly and may need to start again.

[Ed Larson]

Okay.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And I'm going to say toss a VPN on there as well. Search mommy milkers, Mommy milkers, or quote, help me, I'm stuck.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, one of. Now, either or. You could probably do the whole sentence.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Your results may vary, but this is what I've searched for with successful rituals. You click on any one of those videos. If an ad plays promising a larger penis, you know that you have thus far performed the ritual correctly.

[Ed Larson]

Okay.

[Henry Zabrowski]

At this point, a voice may sound outside the locked door. The bathroom. It will sound like your romantic partner. Ignore the voice. This voice may ask the following. What are you doing? What's taking so long? Can you help me with something to dispel this voice? Recite the following. I'm. I'll be out in a minute.

[Ed Larson]

Ah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Which is. Honestly, that's. I'm actually kind of even angry that he's revealing this and you're reading it. I know, but I think it's important to have full transparency here. This is breaking the man code. Now, if you say anything other than the phrase, you may fail the ritual, the voice is simply there to test your resolve. Take your index finger and thumb and pinch your penis lightly. You may use your entire hand, but this is all I've needed to complete the ritual. With your wrist locked, move the index finger up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down. You may look in the mirror if you have one, and pretend your penis is real big. This part of the ritual is optional, but I found success in it.

[Ed Larson]

Who has a mirror facing their toilet?

[Henry Zabrowski]

Some of us. Put it up There on purpose. Wowie, wowie. This is according to the ritual.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, okay.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Wowie, wowie. Make sure to flush at least twice to remove any evidence of the ritual. If you do not complete this step, you may not be able to complete the remaining ritual in the future. Congratulations. You've successfully completed the ritual.

[Ed Larson]

Julie and I, we installed toilets that face each other.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yes.

[Ed Larson]

So we can masturbate at each other.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh great. I always loved masturbating after I found a dog into a toilet.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm faster than she is.

[Henry Zabrowski]

You better be.

[Ed Larson]

Mine is called the Purpose of Revenge by Lori Zonka. Full disclosure here. I have not read the story. I just chose it because her name is close to Larry Zonka.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I know. And so yeah, the, the football player.

[Ed Larson]

The football player who's still alive. Wow. Not just a football player, but co host of American Gladiators. Damn great career.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And now she's here.

[Ed Larson]

It was a dark, rainy Saturday. Jennifer Zealand had stayed in her condo for the evening. She'd been scheduled to make an appearance at the funeral of some big fish at the family farm on account of the weather had blown it off and was instead browsing the dating app Elope E L O P E on her living room sofa.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Elo hope I guess you're looking for. Is it to be serious or. That's a weird one.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. Her father was furious with her. It was supposed to be some big PR coup or something, you know, she, she'd been paying attention. That was hours ago. Anyway, it was past 9:00 now. She'd flick through the litany of duds and bots until she landed on a pretty good catch. Mandarin was a tall, lantern jawed and already tenured marine biologist at the end tender age of 23.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Wow, that sounds like a lie. Sounds like a series of lies.

[Ed Larson]

They've traded texts and intimate pictures. It had all gone swimmingly. So Jennifer gave out her phone number to continue the conversation off the app. Her phone rang immediately. Jennifer picked it up. Has she hated phone calls? Why she giving out her number?

[Henry Zabrowski]

I don't know. Maybe she shouldn't because it feels like.

[Ed Larson]

You know, it's the whole point of the app. You just keep talking there until like you meet them in person.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That's what you think.

[Ed Larson]

Why would you give your number away on an app when you're already talking to somebody?

[Henry Zabrowski]

I, I, you know what? Honestly, I feel like this person might not use the apps a lot.

[Ed Larson]

Well, she answered. Hello, she said. His voice was far higher pitched than she had Man Hello, Jennifer? Little forward with the phone call, huh, sis? Why Chicago have died?

[Henry Zabrowski]

What?

[Ed Larson]

I don't know. I don't understand it. I'm just reading it. The name was familiar. She couldn't place it to get to the other side. She tried to joke because it's a chicken.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Ah, yes, yes.

[Ed Larson]

Man paused. It sounded as if he was trying and failing to suppress his laughter with a mouthful of liquid. Jennifer actually took this opportunity to laugh as well. But man wasn't actually laughing.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Think funny you?

[Ed Larson]

He asked in an icy tone. Let me try that again. Think funny you? He asked in an icy toad. Kinda better joke. What Purpose of revenge? I don't know what show you very soon.

[Henry Zabrowski]

He squeaked whoa, no.

[Ed Larson]

Before breaking into a chittering round of inhuman laughter. Call drop. Jennifer rolled her eyes. Weird, of course. All the creeps and incels she had to contend with on elope. This one had probably been the biggest. Try hard.

[Henry Zabrowski]

They legitimately like it's hard out there for women. Those stakes are just so Men just are not good at dating.

[Ed Larson]

Just to be on the safe side, she got up off the couch and called her building security guard Marlon on the intercom. Yes, Ms. Zealand Marlin, answered Marlin, I think I have another stranger danger situation. It's probably nothing, but could you do a sweep of my place? No problem. Oh, Ms. Zealand. Slow day today. But say, I hope I'm not being too forward, Ms. C. But your daddy, he runs Sealand, the amusement park with all the fish and such, right? He does? No. I thought so. Now I hate to ask Missy, but my granddaughter, she's been bugging me and bugging me for months to go see the singing dolphin show at Sea Land. But for the life of me, I cannot get my mitts on a pair of tickets. You wouldn't happen to be able to pull some strings for Old Marsh Marlin, would you? These all fish? I'll see what I can do.

[Henry Zabrowski]

This what they're saying here is that they're all fish.

[Ed Larson]

I think Marlin's just a name. He's also the Florida Marlins. They share a stadium with the dolphins. I see what she's doing here.

[Henry Zabrowski]

It seems that this is like they're good Turn. They're all fish.

[Ed Larson]

The intercom cut off. Jennifer took a moment to sit back down on the couch and breathe deep, but she couldn't shake the name. Cheek Chaku Chako. Maybe it was Chichiki. She couldn't shake it out of her head. It probably had something to do with the company. So she decided to bite the bullet and call her sister. Maven always paid closer attention to Se land's day to day. The Prodigal Daughter, Maven answered coldly. Oh, maybe I should do it. The patical d Maven answered coldly.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Doing very good with all the different characters. You're like. You're very good. You're like Andy Circus.

[Ed Larson]

Love you too. Look, quick question. Who or what is Chiku? There was a pause. You cat not be serious. Answer the question, Sis. Please. Oh my God. You don't know who Chica Cho Chicago is the Singing Dolphin. Only our number one attraction. 1.6 billion in net ticket sales year over year. Or was, until Daddy sold her calf to the Japanese. The elevator chimed. She could hear it from inside of her house because of the thin, shitty door. That would be Marlon Marlin. Jennifer went back to the intercom. Maven continued. She refused to eat for five weeks, beached herself, and just screamed and screamed. Jennifer buzzed Marlin through. And then what? She asked. As the elevator doors parted, Marlon stepped out, clutching his torso. His face shot an agonizing sigh at Jennifer. More, quoth Maven. Never more. Jen. The funeral was today. You know, the one you blew off. Marlon.sl it doesn't really make sense.

[Henry Zabrowski]

No.

[Ed Larson]

Marlon slumped down into the pastel shag, smearing steaming blood everywhere.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Marlon.

[Ed Larson]

She shrieked. Jennifer knelt and flipped him onto his back. His shirt and jacket were soaked with blood. He was still leaking from deep sucking wound just below his right breast. Jen? Jen, what's going on? Oh, this is the Maze Maven. I'm sorry. Let me change that. Jed. Jen, what's going on? Who's Marlin? Maven demand demanded. No answer came. The phone slipped from Jennifer's fingers and fell into an inland sea of blood.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Whoa.

[Ed Larson]

An inhuman laugh chattered right behind her. Jennifer turned to see a rude shape darkening her private elevator. It was a man, but he was bent, stuffed unnaturally into a long yellow fisherman's raincoat. The hood was drawn up and clinched tight over what seemed a rubber plague doctor's mask. In what looked like bloody rubber gloves, he held a steaming human liver. I wouldn't know what it looked like.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I can see. I actually can probably identify a human liver.

[Ed Larson]

Who are you? Jennifer asked, quavering Bl barely above a whisper. Me dad. Me man Dorito, the plague fisherman said, the bloody beak splitting into toothy mouth to squeal the words. Me poor voice of revenge, I told.

[Henry Zabrowski]

The liver in half. It's all fish.

[Ed Larson]

With his bare hands.

[Henry Zabrowski]

It's all fish and dolphins.

[Ed Larson]

His gray hands. Let's See in the story.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah, well, you know, he just tore.

[Ed Larson]

The liver in half. She's fine. Apparently. I will say straight up, Marlon had a bad day.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yep. But no of this can happen cuz they're all. They're. They're fish. Ch. I like this though. I like this character. I really like this character.

[Ed Larson]

Obviously a fan working in long legs.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh yeah. Getting it all in there.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh, you know, it's great. Did great work.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Nothing wrong with it.

[Ed Larson]

Thank you. Lori Zonka.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Literally nothing wrong with it. Good work.

[Ed Larson]

I'm glad I picked you by your fake name.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah. The Porpoise of Revenge. Very, very good.

[Ed Larson]

Very, very good.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I Here we go. Now. There, you got this. I have another one now. I let's do this. This is a true story.

[Ed Larson]

A true story.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Apparently. Let's see.

[Ed Larson]

Okay.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Canna By Elizabeth Griscom this is a true story. Philadelphia, 2008. The Phillies had just won the World Series. The city became fanatic. The ERs were flooded with concussion cases, all brought on by acute exposure to ninefold battle batteries. Improvised bonfires, Mostly dumpsters and BMWs. Fill the night with orange light. PPD had whole squads out dedicated to greasing light poles to prevent climbers.

[Ed Larson]

We all love it. PPD sounds like a venereal disease. It is.

[Henry Zabrowski]

It's called the Philadelphia Police Department. I, for my part, was a perfectly innocent semiotics major with no interest in baseball whatsoever. Amid the press of a Yingling filled hooligans at Cecil B. Morse station. I just got done with my evening 18th century Turkish lit class, was trying to mind my own business. Slammed as my back was into a defibrillator pack, just nursing my a treat, big blue soda and eager to catch the broad street line south to my shitty apartment in Devil's Pocket. That's when he sidled up to me, who was on the short side, maybe only five foot four. That short.

[Ed Larson]

My mother was five foot four.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Tiny lady with dry mouse brown hair clipped into a wonky bowl cut. I don't recall what he was wearing because his face filled my vision and I swear every single feature was somehow different from one side to the other, as if two different people have been spliced together. The eyes were especially uncanny. The lower eye was large, watery and gray with a heavy exposed upper lid. The higher one was small, keen and brown, the upper lid nearly hidden beneath a seemingly Asian epicanthic fold. Their effect together was mesmerizing. Hello. Can I tell you a secret? He said in a panting, eerie voice not unlike Peter Lorries despite the fanatical noise, I could hear him perfectly. Okay, I guess the word is going to end in 19 years. He tapped the label of my soda bottle. So enjoy that beverage while you still can.

[Ed Larson]

So that's 2027.

[Henry Zabrowski]

It's a long time from now. Okay, I said, quite put off. I tried to back away from the gross profit, but it was all hooligans all the way down and there was nowhere to go. God told me because I'm his only son, I was born to a virgin in Bethlehem. Oh wow, that's crazy, I said through clenched teeth. He also told me that the government would sterilize old man in 2026. Chemicals in the water. Oh yeah, that's a Bethlehem.

[Ed Larson]

In Pennsylvania there is.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh yeah. We went to the casino many times. It's horrible. But if I found my Mary Magdalene before then, our children There was a miraculous rush of air, followed shortly by the beautiful music of metal grinding on metal. The southbound train was arriving. Our children would be born fertile and without sin. The train screamed up to the platform. Will you be my Mary Magdalene? As soon as the doors parted, I wormed into the crowd and pressed into the already royally sardines train. He made no attempt to follow. His expression didn't even change. He just stood there dumbly next to the AED pack, his motley eyes piercing me until the train pulled south and he exited my life stage left at a decent clip. At the next stop, Girard, the train bled a good number of hooligans, bound to disperse their lunacy, into the RS and E lines. I could finally take a seat and exhale. Then the train spurred and we were chugged south again. Suddenly a chair shadow fell over me. It was a transit cop.

[Ed Larson]

Close one.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Miss, I know it's a special occasion, but you can't have booze on the train. Come on, he said tiredly. It was only 10pm and his blues had already been dappled with brown polka dots of dried blood. I immediately hefted up my bottle of a treat. Oh no, sir, this is just soda. I squeaked. That's when I saw that the liquid inside had transubstantiated from a electric blue to a deep wine red. I was dumbfounded. The cop snatched the bottle for me and twisted the cap. The lack of a hiss was deafening. He sniffed the contents. Oh yeah. Since when does a treat make a merlot? Oh, weird. It was Jesus Christ. Yeah, he was. That's what Jesus was probably like. Yeah, super creep, super crip. Is that it? We done? You got Another one or I. I.

[Ed Larson]

Got another one and I picked this one because it was short.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yes.

[Ed Larson]

This also looks like it's written by a madman. There's no like sentence breaks or. So we'll see what. We'll see what happens here. It's called the Clicking by Johnny Maps.

[Henry Zabrowski]

No, Johnny Maps.

[Ed Larson]

It's just Johnny Map. But you gotta throw an S. Oh yeah, sure.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Of course.

[Ed Larson]

The clicking and t tapping has been getting louder each day. 3:33am Every night. I open my eyes and my clocks say 3:33am Click clack, click clack. Tonight is different though. I hear the clicking and the tapping and now creaking. I open my eyes and what?

[Henry Zabrowski]

Click, click.

[Ed Larson]

It's 3:36. I search with my eyes, surveying for the source of the creaking. And I look in the direction of my closet. Why is my closet open? And why are there two shining things floating inside? My eyes acclimate to the darkness. Two eyes. I jump back. But she was quick, her. And she hurtled towards me. Eyes and predator like teeth glowing in the darkness. I feel her clammy, loose and hairless skin as she mounts me, ripping my flesh with her long, sharp, musty talon like nails. Her blood curdling screech burst my eardrums as I fight for my survival. Do you want to do this? Screech? She lifts one hand in the air to deliver what has been the final blow. But I catch it as it's coming down. Oh, sorry, I'm ruining your chaotic story. The last thing I see is the clock showing 3:39. Before she shoves her rotting nails into my chest. I shall shoot up, sweating, breathing profusely. What kind of dream was that? I look over to the clock, 3:36am and that's when I hear the clicking, the tapping and the creaking. Yeah, that's the story.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah, it's a lot of creek, a.

[Ed Larson]

Lot of tapping, a lot of cracking tips.

[Henry Zabrowski]

It just sounds like, you know, living in New York.

[Ed Larson]

Tip. Tip.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh, what a scary day.

[Ed Larson]

Oh my God.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh, you know. And our audience gets scarier and scarier each week.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, the grammar.

[Henry Zabrowski]

We are gonna.

[Ed Larson]

I'm so scared of the grammar.

[Henry Zabrowski]

We want to say thank you to everybody who sent in. We had many of them we still like. The goal is to use these again. So I want to make sure we have a lot of them. I just wanted to make sure we got to stories today as well. Because we had so many crazy stories.

[Ed Larson]

Lots of crazy stories. Lots of listener pastas. And now we say we have lots of them. So don't write more.

[Henry Zabrowski]

We got them now. We got them. We're going to do, we're going to work through this and then I will ask for more again.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I promise you. So thank you guys so much for listening. We got back this week. We're finishing, we're going to do more of the Kruger's door cult murders for Halloween week and we had a lot of stuff coming down the pipe. Also look out for something very special coming out tomorrow Halloween day with something very little special gift for you. So go to patreon.com on the left. You could watch us talk. You can watch the live stream live on Tuesdays at 6pm PST whenever you get the chance.

[Ed Larson]

And side stories, we always put out the the video episodes a couple days after on YouTube. So if you want to look at us while we do this, please do.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And go to Twitch tv, LPN TV to see all of our Twitch streams. And if you don't see them there live, go to our YouTube which is just go look at last podcast on the left on YouTube. It's all on there. And then go to last podcast on the left.com to buy tickets to our Los Angeles show please.

[Ed Larson]

Also tomorrow on Halloween at 5pm Pacific 8pm Eastern we got the Hoopa Goo Goo game coming back.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah. And good put is also coming back Wednesday.

[Ed Larson]

Oh nice. That's today.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yep. Great tonight. Oh yeah. And good podcast is also coming out Halloween. We got a lot going on.

[Ed Larson]

There's a lot we've lot the fact.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Doing a lot of man we're doing.

[Ed Larson]

A lot of over here. But check out Hoopa Goo Goo game. It's going to be Amber Nelson Wilson and I and judge and contestant one and contestant two. So we'll have a lot of fun there. And go ahead and listen to the brighter side. A cynics look at optimism. You fucking love it over there.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yes, please take a look on the brighter side every once in a while.

[Ed Larson]

Yes.

[Henry Zabrowski]

You dirty. Hail Satan.

[Ed Larson]

Hail Mandarino.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah sure.

[Ed Larson]

Your love.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh Jacob.