Side Stories: Resurrect-Ed

Summary

Last Podcast On The Left – Side Stories: Resurrect-Ed (Aug 20, 2025)

Podcast: Last Podcast On The Left
Hosts: Henry Zebrowski & Ed Larson
Episode Theme: An irreverent dive into strange news, bodily functions, crime, cryptids, and senior scandal, with plenty of personal banter and listener letters.
Tone: Comedic, dark, and gleefully inappropriate.

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Overview

In this raucous Side Stories episode, Henry and Ed celebrate Ed's "miraculous" return from the dead (after Henry’s running joke that Ed was deceased), and launch straight into a wild mix of news stories: from cryptids and UK prison oddballs, to explosive bodily functions on United Airlines and culinary guinea pig escapades in Australian prisons. The guys plunge gleefully into frank sexual discussion, odd asexual confessions, love triangles among the elderly, and the ethics of Build-A-Bear urns. The show is packed with off-color banter and unexpected listener stories, making for a typically unpredictable, hilarious, and occasionally disgusting ride.

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Episode Breakdown & Highlights

1. Ed "Returns" From the Dead (00:46–03:40)

• Henry opens with jokes about “resurrection,” riffing on Ed’s absence due to the running death gag.
• Both discuss the weirdness and sweetness of people DMing Ed “RIP.”
• Notable moment:
  Henry (01:31): “The piggy lives. The piggy lives.”
  Ed: “That was your biggest joke of the year, pretending I’m dead. Thanks a lot.”

2. Updates: “Silent Man” & The Minilights Cryptid (04:00–07:13)

• Follow-up on UK’s “Silent Fattest Man,” David Hampson – listeners suggest he fakes silence for jail food.
• Riffing on prison food in the UK.
• The Minilights legend in St. Petersburg, FL: supposed mysterious white lights, probably just alligators.
• Banter about gator erotica, including a forced Google search for alligator genitals.
• Notable quotes:
  • Henry (06:53): “It was trying to get children away from the alligators.”
  • Ed (07:19): “When was the last time you’ve seen an alligator’s erect penis?” (leads to mock outrage and disgust)

3. Masturbation, Porn, and Asexual Fantasies (08:41–14:52)

• Henry shares a revelation from Grant Gordon: he no longer watches porn, just “goes by sensation.”
• Ed jokes about “love” as a porn search, leading to a discussion of asexuality.
• A listener’s email details her journey as an asexual—only able to orgasm by fantasizing about non-sexual things: “turning into a bird, a glowing orb, or becoming a man who gets fatter and fatter.”
  • Henry (12:01): “Now I can come from all sorts of fantasies... my go-to is turning into a man and getting fatter and fatter until I climax.”
  • Both hosts marvel at the creative “advanced level” masturbation.
• Banter on sexual orientation percentages: as rare as redheads or serial killer tendencies.

4. Older Women, Cougars, and Madonna (14:52–16:49)

• The hosts celebrate older women “reclaiming” younger partners (Madonna, Susan Sarandon).
• Amused approval for cougars and “taking back” youthful romance.
  • Ed (15:23): “Susan Sarandon came in looking… and she had like a 20 year old on her arm and he was gorgeous!”
  • Advice: Let older women find out young men have nothing to talk about, the same way men do with younger women.

5. [Headline Story] United Airlines “Biohazard Diarrhea” Incident (17:48–24:16)

• Covered with vivid delight: United flight canceled after a woman has massive diarrhea, rendering the plane “uninhabitable.”
• Both hosts find humor in the universality (and horror) of digestive disasters.
  • Henry (19:10): “I have flight-ending diarrhea.”
  • Ed (21:28): “Why is she taking heat when their toilet can’t handle one woman’s amount of shit?”
• Listeners are invited to share their biggest-shit stories (“skinny under 140” category).
• Ed shares his tale of 16 bathroom trips on a 15-hour flight.
• Conversation dissolves into Cincinnati’s chili culture and further bathroom humor.

6. Prisoners Steal and Feast on Shelter Guinea Pigs (24:45–32:21)

• Australian prisoners working offsite caught stealing, butchering, and cooking guinea pigs from an animal shelter.
• Hosts debate the ethics and culinary value of guinea pigs versus traditional pork.
• Cultural commentary: guinea pig is a legit food in South America; why not elsewhere?
• Side discussion on eating hamsters, “bald” hamsters, and why Ed prefers not to eat pets.
  • Henry (28:35): “Guinea pigs are literally toupees.”
• Deadpan: Would you feed extra hamsters to the homeless if Gordon Ramsay cooked them?
• Notable banter about Ed’s partner volunteering at shelters and the fate of hoarded rodents.

7. Would You Eat a Dog? Meat Ethics (32:21–34:47)

• Further animal ethics: willing to eat guinea pigs, not dogs (except, maybe, if traveling and to avoid offense).
• Joke about which dog breed would be tastiest (Ed: “Golden retriever, ‘cause things that are loved taste better”).

8. Hospital-worthy Love Triangles Among Seniors (35:03–42:28)

Detroit Senior Love Triangle Shootout (35:03–42:28)

• A senior center love triangle devolves into a shootout: four shot, all survive.
• The details: “Johnny” (65) breaks up with a 70s man for another; heartbreak leads to gunfire in the retirement home.
  • Henry (36:11): “How much do you have to suck to get broken up with at the Detroit Senior Center?”
  • Discussions of gun rights for the elderly, and a pitch for “old people as cannon fodder in future wars.”
  • Notable quote:
    Ed (41:11): “They are simply not doing it fast enough. They must kill themselves off faster.”

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[Segment] The “Love” Throuple, Chihuahua Chewing, and Social Security Fraud (44:00–51:38)

• Elderly couple keeps their dead “third” hidden in the house, collecting his checks, while their Chihuahuas nibble on him.
• Most offense is taken by the deception to the dead man’s family—not the financial crime or canine cannibalism.
  • Ed (49:53): “Eight Chihuahuas… no wonder they’re stealing money.”
• Side note: if Ed dies, Henry has permission to collect his checks if he can hide the body.

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[Listener Letters & Oddball Stories] (52:00–61:38)

1. Rabies From a Bat (53:19–54:56)

• A listener’s tale: bitten by a sick bat, ends up in the ER during the Casey Anthony trial, undergoes grueling rabies treatment.
  • Ed: “What an asshole!” [re: the boyfriend who dumped her for alleged rabies risk]
  • Discussion: bats, rabies, and how rare infection is.

2. Build-A-Bear Stuffed With Human Ashes (57:09–59:38)

• Former Build-A-Bear worker shares: yes, people bring in urns, even dead baby ashes, to stuff into bears.
  • Ed: “You can hug a Build-A-Bear, better than an urn.”
  • Discussion: what if your dog rips it open?; entrepreneurial idea: “huggable urns.”

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Notable Quotes

• “The piggy lives. The piggy lives.” – Henry (01:31)
• “When was the last time you’ve seen an alligator’s erect penis?” – Ed (07:19)
• “Now I can come from all sorts of fantasies... my go-to is turning into a man and getting fatter and fatter until I climax.” – a listener’s asexual confession (12:01)
• “Why is she taking heat when their toilet can’t handle one woman’s amount of shit?” – Ed (21:28)
• “Would you feed excess hamsters to the homeless, if Gordon Ramsay made them delicious?” – Henry (31:27)
• “How much do you have to suck to get broken up with at the Detroit Senior Center?” – Henry (36:11)
• “Eight Chihuahuas… no wonder they’re stealing money.” – Ed (49:53)
• “If you could help an elderly person survive a gunshot, not bad.” – Ed (41:34)
• “All I want is your laughter—and your money when you can give it to me.” – Henry (66:11)

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Important Timestamps

• Ed’s ‘resurrection’ banter: 00:46–03:40
• Silent Fat Man / Minilights Cryptid: 04:00–07:13
• Masturbation / Asexuality: 08:41–14:52
• Diarrhea Plane Incident: 17:48–24:16
• Prisoners Eat Guinea Pigs: 24:45–32:21
• Senior Love Triangle Shootout: 35:03–42:28
• Dead Throuple/Social Security Fraud: 44:00–51:38
• Rabies/Bat Letter: 53:19–54:56
• Build-A-Bear & Human Ashes: 57:09–59:38

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Memorable Moments & Running Gags

• Forced alligator genitalia search and Henry’s comic disgust.
• Listener confession about advanced, nontraditional masturbation.
• Ed and Henry soliciting bizarre listener emails (“skinny but took a massive shit,” or opinions on eating hamsters).
• Ongoing “collect my checks if I die” pact.

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Closing Shoutouts & Upcoming

• Halloween Sound Effects Album announcement (“Fright Jansen’s Revolting Repository of Ghastly Sounds”) – limited vinyl/digital download, preorder soon.
• Upcoming Side Stories live shows in Kansas City (Sept 21) and Redway, CA (Oct 24), and Columbus, OH (Nov 30).
• Plug for LPN’s free content across various projects.

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Summary

This Side Stories installment is classic Last Podcast On The Left chaos: full of grotesque news, sharp banter, gleefully taboo topics, and a raucous celebration of Ed’s “resurrection.” The episode stands out for its irreverent discussion of bodies (human and animal), sex and kink, crime and cryptids, senior shootouts, ethically queasy empathy, and lots of listener interaction. For the uninitiated, it’s proof the hosts “never work a day in their life”—because they spend all day laughing (and gagging) at the world’s morbid best and worst.

Transcript

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[Henry Zabrowski]

There's no place to escape to.

[Ed Larson]

This is the last on the left side stories.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories. Yes. Now I'd like to announce today a miracle has happened. Yesterday I went to the tomb and the rock was still in front of the entrance, but I still smelt the distinct, distinct smell of pork coming from behind the rock. So I knew something was going in there.

[Ed Larson]

The piggy lives. The piggy lives.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oink, oink, oink.

[Ed Larson]

That's right, baby.

[Henry Zabrowski]

My biggest joke of the year, everyone laughed at it. Is proven to be false.

[Ed Larson]

Yes. Your biggest joke of the year was pretending I'm dead.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah, unfortunately.

[Ed Larson]

Thanks. Yeah, thanks a lot.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That's where we're at, man.

[Ed Larson]

It's so, you know, it's interesting you, you, you know, I didn't get a chance to listen to the show. Not a fan. But the. But it's interesting just, you know, existing and then people just like DMing me. RIP.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah. I love it, dude. It's a good. Honestly, it's nice for you to see the outreach before you die.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Because nobody. You will never know. You'll never know how many people love you.

[Ed Larson]

When people mildly cared that I died.

[Henry Zabrowski]

They actually sort of were concerned.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I mean, they don't believe me. Obviously. They shouldn't.

[Ed Larson]

No. Why should they believe you?

[Henry Zabrowski]

But also it was. It was fun. I got to feel it was nice to miss you. You ever do that with Julie?

[Ed Larson]

What, pretend she's dead?

[Henry Zabrowski]

No, like when you go away from each other and it's as nice. Because it's nice to miss.

[Ed Larson]

Yes.

[Henry Zabrowski]

You and I are joined at the penis.

[Ed Larson]

It is, it is. It is a bit much, the. The amount of time we spend together.

[Henry Zabrowski]

We spend so much time to the point where I forget you're there.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. No, it is one of those things.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah, we're just there. I just go like, ed. Like in my home at night, I go, ed. And you're not in my home? No.

[Ed Larson]

Thank God.

[Henry Zabrowski]

No. God, cuz if you were, there's something going on.

[Ed Larson]

It is interesting though, I will say, like, ever since, like we've started spending this much time together, we have been spending less time at each other's homes.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh, I don't see you. Yeah, yeah. We never hang out anymore. No work. No. We hang. On the road.

[Ed Larson]

On the road.

[Henry Zabrowski]

We'll get back to it. We'll get back to it. This whole thing will end at some point. Welcome to side Stories. My name is Henry Zabrowski. I'm sitting here with Ed Larson.

[Ed Larson]

I am alive.

[Henry Zabrowski]

He is alive. And it is good.

[Ed Larson]

Resurrected.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah, Put the erect and resurrected.

[Ed Larson]

Ed directed you like that.

[Henry Zabrowski]

No, resurrect.

[Ed Larson]

Resurrect.

[Henry Zabrowski]

The episode. It's already done.

[Ed Larson]

Called writing on the fly. Punching each other others up.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Well, now we got a couple of. I don't have any updates. I'll catch you up.

[Ed Larson]

No updates.

[Henry Zabrowski]

No.

[Ed Larson]

I heard the guy was back in the road.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Well, we talked a little bit about the silent man from the uk.

[Ed Larson]

Fucking love this guy.

[Henry Zabrowski]

He's back. I got a lot of messages after talking about his resurgence and his reclaiming the title of the most silent fattest man in England. And a lot of people said they think David Hampson might be trying to rig the system.

[Ed Larson]

What?

[Henry Zabrowski]

And I was like, what? Because everyone's like, no, he's just doing it to get three hots in a cot. Yeah, right. He's just trying to eat.

[Ed Larson]

That's also not that great.

[Henry Zabrowski]

No. Well, this is the thing. Think about what they serve the free citizens of the uk.

[Ed Larson]

I know.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Can you imagine what they serve in the UK jail?

[Ed Larson]

I don't.

[Henry Zabrowski]

When they get their tribbons, you want a pile of tribbons?

[Ed Larson]

I'm sure that's real blood in the pudding.

[Henry Zabrowski]

You want some wine? I got a bucket of water. I got a bucket of cry. Like that's all David Hampson is. I mean, maybe he wants the chip beef from the UK prison system. Maybe he's got a taste for it.

[Ed Larson]

What do you think? £45 on that head?

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh, buddy.

[Ed Larson]

At least, right?

[Henry Zabrowski]

His lips alone are like seven pounds and he's got the fattest eyelids I've seen on someone that's not a professional fighter. He looks like Butterball, by the way. That's not Chatterbox Butterball. Butterball's the cenobite. Does look like Butterbean. He does look like.

[Ed Larson]

Who's Butterball?

[Henry Zabrowski]

The turkey from the Cenobite From Hellraiser. He's the fat cenobite. Oh, he does. He'd be great at that.

[Ed Larson]

That guy doesn't talk either.

[Henry Zabrowski]

At all.

[Ed Larson]

That's amazing. You should do this.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I'm calling. I'm calling Hollywood.

[Ed Larson]

Call Hollywood.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Hello, Hollywood. Are there Jews in.

[Ed Larson]

Let me ask.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I got a silent fat guy for you.

[Ed Larson]

I got Butterball on the phone.

[Henry Zabrowski]

You got the pot. You're the fattest, most silent thing I've heard on the phone all day. Yeah, it's amazing. But, yeah, we talked about him. I think the other big update we made was. What was the other big one from? About the mini lights. Gators.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Have you heard about the. Really quickly, in St. Pete, Florida, there is a cryptid known as the mini lights. Have you heard about this at all?

[Ed Larson]

No, but I know that gators lights, eyeballs light up when you shine a light on it.

[Henry Zabrowski]

We pretty much assume that it's alligators at this point. I talked about it with Natalie last week. We.

[Ed Larson]

Is it like two little red lights all over the water?

[Henry Zabrowski]

It's little white lights. And they say. Well, largely it is the homeless slash. More like essentially on the lower. On the economic side, people of St. Petersburg, Florida. Yeah, that they say that they would hear these mini lights. Mini lights don't come out tonight. They would do this thing where they would say this rhyme to each other. And then apparently you could say it at the. You. You could call the mini lights to you. And they would warn them to not let the kids out near where all the drainage, like, little areas were. But it was more of a. A way to scare people.

[Ed Larson]

Sounds like gators.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah, it was trying to get children away from the allocates.

[Ed Larson]

Did they make the gator noise that you know how to. Oh, no, it's. If you want to call gators late at night.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh, that's what Sasha Gray was doing.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh, I didn't know. I didn't know she was making gator noises.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, she's a big gator fan.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Big, apparently.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah. She take three gators at once. Ms. Sasha Gray, where you at?

[Ed Larson]

Dude? When was the last time you've seen an alligator's erect penis? It's a. Rob, please pull it up.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Time is it?

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, please.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I think the last alligator. I think it's been at least a fortnight.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. We're gonna need an image search. Look at that puppy. Dude. Look at that thing.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I hate that man, you know what it is? I don't like a penis that when it's out, it's covered in blood.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, no, it is one of them. It is one of the. I don't. It's not supposed to be out. It's supposed to be in. And those. They real.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Dude, I'm mad.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, get mad.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I don't want to see this.

[Ed Larson]

Look at them. Look at them balls, dude.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I don't like them on men.

[Ed Larson]

Dude. Can we actually. You know what? I don't think I've ever, like, really seen an alligator vagina. Can we do that real quick?

[Henry Zabrowski]

Sure, why not? At this point? Why not? It's a definite. It's an audio, actually. Very similar.

[Ed Larson]

Wow, that takes it, huh? Yep. I can't believe that.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Hey. Looks like a regular barber bush.

[Ed Larson]

Those poor ladies.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I've seen that on a couple of First Ladies.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, yeah, right there. That's a coach purse right there.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That's a Reptilian envelope downloaded if I. Yeah, great, good.

[Ed Larson]

There you go.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Good, Great. On the work computer.

[Ed Larson]

Awesome.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh, yeah. Set it as the background. That's going to really help.

[Ed Larson]

It's just. He's the only one who uses.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That's true. Yeah. You just have to stare at yourself every day and be like, am I at work now? Oh, not till I see the alligator. Also, Grant Gordon last week on the biggest reveal of the week.

[Ed Larson]

What'd he do?

[Henry Zabrowski]

He says he doesn't look at porn anymore. He just masturbates by sensation.

[Ed Larson]

Really?

[Henry Zabrowski]

Which is sick.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. What is he, Bob Ross?

[Henry Zabrowski]

I think it's what's holding him back career wise.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I said this to him on the show. Yeah, yeah, but this is actually. I got some emails on this.

[Ed Larson]

I. I've heard. I talked to one guy about porn and he was like. He was like, what's your Google search? I was like, boobs. Like, I don't know. Like, what are you talking about?

[Henry Zabrowski]

Like, sometimes I'll have a specific. You know, there's an idea that I'm. I'm looking for. There's a thing I want to complete. There's a story I want to.

[Ed Larson]

Steady searches. Love.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That's.

[Ed Larson]

I was like, mad.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That's the sound.

[Ed Larson]

I was like, really mad. Love is the one thing I have.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Can you imagine?

[Ed Larson]

I got nothing else, honestly.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Do it right now while we're looking this up, look up love on pornhub and see if there's just one beautiful story on there.

[Ed Larson]

I just don't want to, like, I don't. When I'm watching Porn. I don't want them to like make eye contact.

[Henry Zabrowski]

No, I like a. I like it to be. I like to be nice.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, no, of course. I don't want them like choking each other or anything, but like.

[Henry Zabrowski]

No, this is just porn. Romantic date with sex. Yeah. Get that off of there. It's fucking. That's stupid.

[Ed Larson]

I think it's usually when you write the word love, it's a code for the people are more attractive.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That is more homosexual than gay porn.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, absolutely, absolutely. All right.

[Henry Zabrowski]

But this. I got a very interesting email from someone from an asexual person because they talk about how asexuality. It happens in about 1 to 2% of the population.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. And this person still got a jerk off, I imagine.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Well, this person actually said this, that it was interesting. It's actually the same percentage as redheads and people born with serial killer tendencies. Right.

[Ed Larson]

So thank God.

[Henry Zabrowski]

But you know, it's prevalent. Hold on.

[Ed Larson]

You're telling me there's as many serial killers as redheads?

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah. Yeah, buddy. True redheads. Not like me.

[Ed Larson]

No, you are like.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I'm more of a strawberry blonde and. But if you look downstairs, you see it gets crazy brown.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, brown and gray.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah. Real brown.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, the only. The most upsetting colors.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Worst ones.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Senator brown.

[Ed Larson]

Yes. It's dandruff colored.

[Henry Zabrowski]

It looks like a old pair of World War II socks. Color do.

[Ed Larson]

How come pubes don't get dandruff?

[Henry Zabrowski]

Side stories. LPOTL gmail.com.

[Ed Larson]

Don'T send pics if they do.

[Henry Zabrowski]

No, actually, if you could, that'd be great. So we have here. So asexuals say here they lack sexual attraction, but they can have a libido.

[Ed Larson]

Okay.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And I think this person was talking about they started having this like feeling. Right. So I wasn't until I stopped trying to imagine sexual things that I began to be able to achieve orgasm. They said that it kind of felt like I'd randomly be turned on and not know what was causing it. This person didn't start masturbating until they were 19 because a friend made fun of me for never touching myself in the shower. Like a 13 year old who just discovered his penis. I flicked the bean to a wide variety of porn. Nothing did the trick.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, it's a female.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yes. The first time I took acid, I convinced myself my vagina was going to start talking. I didn't realize I was just horny because I rarely felt that way. So this was there. This is what they realized. It wasn't Until I stopped trying to imagine sexual things. I listened to music and focused on sensation instead. Now I can come from all sorts of fantasies such as turning into a bird or becoming a glowing orb of light that grow. That glows brighter and brighter. My go to for the past decade. This is really interesting. Is a real weird one. I turn into a man. I And get fatter and fatter and fatter until I climax.

[Ed Larson]

Is that what you do?

[Henry Zabrowski]

I would have come so many times, my body would be coming to stop me. My body would be coming be like, okay, that's good.

[Ed Larson]

How many times do we do this till we start losing weight.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Say when.

[Ed Larson]

You know, I mean, that's kind of advanced if you ask me.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Deeply advanced. I think it's expert level. Masturbating.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. Because like, you know, anyone can jerk off the. And boobs, you know, like any piece of. Can jerk off to a wet vagina just dripping, you know, but like, you know, this lady, you know, she's flicking it to being a bird.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah. I mean, that's just something else. Super Native American average.

[Ed Larson]

The gift of flight. I know something to jerk off to.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Absolutely. And the first thing I think of is me. I'm a giant eagle. I'm soaring amongst the Rockies. I look down and I see a family eating a wonderful, wonderful, able to come picnic lunch.

[Ed Larson]

I'm gonna say legally, come on a family.

[Henry Zabrowski]

So there is a name for this, by the way.

[Ed Larson]

Okay. Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Called autosexuality. Autosexuality, the act of sexual orientation where the person experiences sexual attraction primarily or exclusively towards themselves. No, this is not attracted to themselves. They're saying that they experience phantom horniness.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And how to figure out how to masturbate without thinking about sex with another connected. I mean, hey, hey, we're gonna get.

[Ed Larson]

To the bottom of jerk off to themselves. Those are right.

[Henry Zabrowski]

No, Unless they're Madonna. Madonna said she jerked off to herself.

[Ed Larson]

I would too, if I was Madonna.

[Henry Zabrowski]

But old Madonna, old Madonna.

[Ed Larson]

But not new old Madonna. Old old Madonna.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Old, old. She's still an effervescent woman.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

She's absolutely chocked to the rim with botulism. But she is still dancing out there.

[Ed Larson]

Do you remember when the. Those people shot up the Ariana Grande concert? And then like two weeks and then I think it was like two days later. Madonn did a show like in the same town, and she brought out two like McHaleck AK47. Started pointing them at the audience. No, I. I was like, I like her.

[Henry Zabrowski]

You know, Madonna still got it. She still got it. She's just batshit and saying she's having sex with a 26 year old dancer. But you know what? You, you go on, girl. No.

[Ed Larson]

Why should she not?

[Henry Zabrowski]

No, absolutely not. I'd be doing the same thing.

[Ed Larson]

I think like, you know, these ladies need to be taking back the thing that dudes have been holding for all this time, which is, you know, if you're an older person who's got no relationship, go ahead, date a young man.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Let an older woman discover that young men have nothing to talk about. The way that men discover that younger women have nothing to talk about.

[Ed Larson]

Dude, I went to this 420 party once. It was a high times party back in New York and Susan Sarandon came in looking.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah.

[Ed Larson]

And she had like a 20 year old on her arm and he was gorgeous.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Good for him.

[Ed Larson]

And I was like, I was like, you know what? Yeah. Susan Saran cash check. Get that. Bring this little pool boy to the weed party. I'm all about this. No, I love you, Susan Sarande.

[Henry Zabrowski]

It might have been a grandson. Let's go and cover this.

[Ed Larson]

I hope it wasn't.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah. Because of the way they were interacting.

[Ed Larson]

The opinion changes. If it was a grandson. Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Jamie Lee Curtis is due. Looking good too.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. Does she have a young boyfriend? All right.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Now we're just looking at it. Everybody's talking about.

[Ed Larson]

I will say I'm glad we were talking about old broads getting horny.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Let's cover this first. Let's cover this first story.

[Ed Larson]

Hey there, handsome. Why you're looking good today. Nice shirt. Every time I go anywhere, people are like, ed, where did you get that nice lightweight linen shirt? Ooh, your cashmere sweater. It looks nice and breathable. You're not covered in sweat because you had your prince. You're a prince. And you're Quince. And then I say, hey, man, you're so nice. So keep it classic and cool with long lasting staples from quince. Go to quince.com last for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q U I N C E dot com last to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quints.com last.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And Doug Limu and I always tell you to customize your car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. But now we want you to feel it. Cue the emu music. Limu, save yourself money today. Increase your wealth. Customize and save. We save. That may have been too much feeling. Only pay for what you [e-mail] Liberty Liberty. Liberty. Liberty Savings. Very unwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company and affiliates. Excludes Massachusetts.

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[Ed Larson]

Yeah, you won.

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[Henry Zabrowski]

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[Henry Zabrowski]

Now, speaking of old broads. Now this. This story made me laugh quite a bit because I obviously got this many times from all of you because you're all immature, all right? And I blame you. United flight cancelled over woman's biohazard diarrhea.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, well, that happened.

[Henry Zabrowski]

But you know what I like about this is that it happened to a woman only just because.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, she needs. She needs the issues.

[Henry Zabrowski]

So. Is so easy. No, it's. It's because, like, obviously when I first saw biohazard diarrhea, I assumed I was going to be looking at a clone of me.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

But it's nice because it was actually a cute woman, Megan Rennertson. She had landed from Portugal, so she went on to her connection connecting flight and apparently she was not feeling very good. She.

[Ed Larson]

She looks normal.

[Henry Zabrowski]

She. She looks utterly normal. She had it. She seemed to have an undercooked hamburger. And then she said she did a thing. Well, everybody's doing tmi.

[Ed Larson]

She looks Midwest.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yes.

[Ed Larson]

She's got a Bangles shirt on. Oh, she's. I mean, she's a chili girl. Oh, well, she living that chili life.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Well, you'd think her stomach would be able to handle it, but it didn't. She said she felt something brewing and things were all bubbling and bubbling and a popping inside of her. We all know that feeling. You know that dreadful sound that. Oh, yeah, you know, and you're like.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, no, I have 28 seconds.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I have flight ending diarrhea.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And so this 30 minutes she said into the flight, she made to the bathroom.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, so the, the plane was in the air?

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yes. She said she was in the room for 90 minutes, in the bathroom for 90 minutes. And she said she had more diarrhea than any human should ever have have in her life. She started screaming. She's throwing up uncontrollably out of her crying and. And she's yelling at the flight attendants, don't let anybody else in here. Don't let him in here. And the flight attendants said, you're right. So they allowed her to stay inside of it.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And they, they had a. She had to hold on to the sides of the bathroom as they landed. Yeah, that's how much crazy slippery dookie was sliding out of her man.

[Ed Larson]

Okay.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And then everybody got deported except for her. She had to be carried out in a stretcher. Right. So the Planet technically made it.

[Ed Larson]

So it made it.

[Henry Zabrowski]

It made it. They blew this out. They'll blew this up a bit in the headlines.

[Ed Larson]

Oh yeah. Come on.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Gotcha.

[Ed Larson]

This isn't even a story.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Well, the problem was is that really was the aftermath, which was that. So she's wheeled out and they are now she's listening them to tell the flight, the people there that are waiting for this plane now to leave with them and they say this plane is no longer in use. We're going to have to wait for another plane. They said that her dookie lumps made the plane uninhabitable.

[Ed Larson]

I would, but she's only like 130 pounds.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Women can do it too.

[Ed Larson]

But how much shit could possibly be in you that you take down a.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Fucking 737 side stories lpotlmail.com I want the skinniest woman to email me about the biggest shit she's ever taken. I mean, I, that's what I want.

[Ed Larson]

I. This is, I feel like United.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Skinny under 100 pounds. Skinny that's getting under 140. 140 and longest biggest you've ever taken. Yeah, if we could.

[Ed Larson]

But that's, you know, that, that's fine, you know, and all good. But I think really the article here should be United couldn't take a woman's worth of on their plane and had to get grounded. Why is she taking heat when their fucking toilet can't handle one woman's amount of shit?

[Henry Zabrowski]

Sounds like a woman just got herself a dookie lawyer.

[Ed Larson]

Yes, I. This is up.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah.

[Ed Larson]

United to even like.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Well, again, this is Vice and New York Post.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, see, I. All right. Full poo poo disclosure. People hate this stuff. I was coming back from Africa. Okay.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh, I think we've even heard this story.

[Ed Larson]

I told you this story, but I don't think I've told it on the show.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Well, you just got. Well, I mean you can. Don't have to go into the full detail because a long story short, I.

[Ed Larson]

16 times on a 15 hour flight.

[Henry Zabrowski]

See, and that's that's normal though, to me. Like. But you didn't even ground the plane. And I've been in the bathroom.

[Ed Larson]

We were over the ocean. Yeah, so there is that.

[Henry Zabrowski]

There is.

[Ed Larson]

They could have released too, though. I guess we're over the ocean.

[Henry Zabrowski]

No, I don't think they released like that. Apparently that's a myth. Yeah, yeah, yeah, apparently. But no, you were to me. I find that interesting is that I've been in the bathroom and this wasn't.

[Ed Larson]

A take on Africa. This. I got sick off of the food at the airport.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yes.

[Ed Larson]

I was there for a full week. Eaten like tripe in Soweto and nothing happened to me. I had one fucking beef patty at the airport.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Done.

[Ed Larson]

And I was done.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Well, you. It shows because it's like, I find that interesting because being in the bathroom after you is not unlike being in the bathroom after. I would imagine a sasquatch.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And what that would be like, especially.

[Ed Larson]

On my worst day.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh, I can't even imagine.

[Ed Larson]

I stopped going back to my seat. But sometimes I just started like going from bathroom to bathroom and just like going, I gotta go to this one now. I'm not gonna go back to my seat. No, you're gon.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Good, good, good.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

But this lady, I feel like, you know what's interesting is that sometimes, like, a cute lady can end up being the grossest person you've ever met in your life and you don't know.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, yeah, sure. I mean, like, get away with stuff easier.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah. This is the type of lady that's. She could be eating a triple baconator at the Wendy's and sucking it down with the milkshake and she just burns it off in a second by doing nine Pilates classes in a row. You have no idea what her interior system is like.

[Ed Larson]

I will say, putting on a shirt that reps the city of Cincinnati does not make you seem like you clean.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Well, you're just drinking a lot of beer.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That's a lot of beer.

[Ed Larson]

It's a chili based society. It's where I go for my ham salads.

[Henry Zabrowski]

No, I know.

[Ed Larson]

It's a society that.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That has ham salad.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They. They have different names for their sausages there.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I know they have Mets.

[Ed Larson]

That's what they call their sausages.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I want to get that. I want to go back.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, we will. I'm going soon. But, you know, it's good. I'll bring you back something. The getter. Yeah, See, it's all poo poo foods.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Well, you know, I Just say good luck to her. I hope United gave her some credit. She's blowing up. Her TikTok's going crazy. She got 2.2 million likes on. Oh, great. Oh, she got that for her diary. Two of this. Hey, I hope so. I hope she doesn't do a hakpua. Yeah, that would be amazing. Yeah.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, I hope so.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Speaking of hakpua on that, put some on your. You can sit inside your stop. This was, I thought was a really funny story.

[Ed Larson]

I like her.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I do like her. I want her on the show.

[Ed Larson]

Can she come on the show? What's her name? Invite her to. I'm doing a show in Cincinnati in a couple weeks at the Ringeist Brewery. It's for her to come.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah, we'll make sure she has a toilet.

[Ed Larson]

And I won't. I won't blow up her spot. I'll let her do that in the bathroom.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah. She feel.

[Ed Larson]

Hell yeah. Let's get a couple IPAs in this chick.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh, yeah. That lady needs some broccolini. All right, here we go. Now this is. This is over in perfect Perth, the other side of the world. War prisoners, the girth from Perth. Now, they're apparently. So Prison farm allows these guys to kind of come out and do these sort of like, I guess, volunteer work programs.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And so this. The prisoners here were a part of the Warloo prison farm section 95 program.

[Ed Larson]

Great.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Minimum security prisoners participate in supervised work programs in the community, they said. And they started working, I guess in this area around a animal shelter.

[Ed Larson]

Okay.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And they thought that they was. It thought it was kind of interesting that they were going. And they're working in and out and out. And then they found after the fact, there was a shed that these guys had been stealing guinea pigs out of the animal shelter.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Butchering them, fucking cutting their guts out, bringing them back into prison and cooking them.

[Ed Larson]

Okay.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And they were all eating the guinea pigs. And they're all saying, don't take the guinea pigs from them. They're delicious.

[Ed Larson]

I mean, I've heard guinea pigs are of the rodents, the one you'd want to eat.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Well, they were first. I did a little bit of research. So obviously the Department of Corrections in Perth, they're all like, I can't believe this. Absolutely horrible behavior. And you're like, you know, I understand. I actually find it's more of the stealing the animals from the animal shelter.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. Perth is their Florida.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yes. Yes, it is as outback as you can get. It's the straight. They call them Perthlings for a reason.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. Right.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And so these guys were all like, you know, according to them, they said the prisoners said it was quite tasty. And then someone was talking to one of the other police officers involved. He said, eat guinea pigs is a surprise, but any of my section 95 prisoners, we don't encourage them eating off site, give them anything. In this case, there was a deal done. Obviously that will come up in the investigation. So what they're saying is, is that they were peddling guinea pig. It's like because in prison everything becomes money.

[Ed Larson]

Yes. No, like, yeah, like salt and pepper is like worth so much fucking money.

[Henry Zabrowski]

You know, like paper to write on.

[Ed Larson]

I went to go visit my buddy and once he pulled out a shampoo bottle full of salt and pepper and he's like, this is worth like $150 in here.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yes, huge.

[Ed Larson]

I was like, holy fucking shit.

[Henry Zabrowski]

So but guinea pig was actually first. It's horrific. Guinea pigs were first raised as edible things.

[Ed Larson]

Okay.

[Henry Zabrowski]

They were supposed to be food to eat. There was mostly a lot of bones.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

It's in South America. It's of bones. And they said that it's very. I guess now it's more in the indigenous populations. It's a way more like an old school thing.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I was kind of reading various Peru subreddits where they talk about how like, you'll probably have guinea pig once as a sort of like, you know. Oh, what a fun novelty.

[Ed Larson]

I don't think they need to keep the head on when they cook it.

[Henry Zabrowski]

This is the. I feel like it's. The presentation is that makes it the.

[Ed Larson]

Worst is because it was just the legs.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh. If it was carved up into a taco, if it was shredded into a taco, you would know the difference.

[Ed Larson]

Just frog legs, eggs. And you don't fry an entire frog.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Well, it's because all the guts. And see, this is like. Yeah, it's smiling at me. I'm looking at this thing and it is like. In America, we are deeply appalled by this because it's a pet and we view it as a pet, but in certain places of the world they don't view it like a pet. And apparently it doesn't taste all that bad.

[Ed Larson]

No, I've heard it tastes good before.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And that fried guinea pig is the way to eat it in which they just pop the top, they scoop out its guts, they'll fry it, fur and all.

[Ed Larson]

I don't really have a problem with people eating guinea pigs.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh, none. I have no problems eating guinea pig.

[Ed Larson]

I have A bigger problem with people eating real pig.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Well, I feel like there's a lot of people. There's more. There's more of an argument to stop eating pig.

[Ed Larson]

Pig than guinea pigs.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yes.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Because guinea pigs are literally just two. Do you have to beat them? The guinea pigs are just toupees. That. Yeah, right. Like, there's nothing to it. My. I guess what you're saying is the same is that I just think it would be so bony. And the idea. I don't like. Like, I've had skate, and I don't like skate. Skate is essentially like a. It's a ray, like fish. It's not manta ray, but it's a. Something like that. It looks like this.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, okay.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And it's.

[Ed Larson]

How do you realize that?

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah, it's annoying to eat because you got to scrape the meat off of the bat.

[Ed Larson]

Like, tendrils in it.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah, it's a pain in the ass. And I feel like guinea pigs is kind of the same way. Way pull the guinea pig. I don't know why it's not stewed. I think guinea pig would be much tastier. Stewed, braised, like they do raccoon.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

But what do I know?

[Ed Larson]

I don't think that I don't have a problem with people eating guinea pig. And I think that I think the main problem was, like, stealing it from the animals. They were stealing it. Yes. And if they were breeding them to eat them, that's something the prison should be doing anyway.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Well, I also wonder. They weren't breeding them to eat them. They were packed pets. They were guinea pig pets. Because in this part of the world, like in Australia, they don't eat guinea pig.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

You know, they really only eat guinea pig casually in south. It seems like in South America, like.

[Ed Larson]

Like, what do you. If you get, like, someone who's hoarding guinea pigs, what are you going to do with them? You're going to kill them anyway, the guinea pigs? Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Like.

[Ed Larson]

All right, so, like, Julie just started volunteering at the shelter because she's a good person. And there on her first.

[Henry Zabrowski]

She. She's the one. She volunteers to do the euthanasia, right?

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, yeah. She's just there to actually to watch them go down co. And she's like, don't worry about the gas. Don't worry about that. I got my two hands. I took them.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I call them the garage.

[Ed Larson]

But.

[Henry Zabrowski]

But some of that's a rough one, dude.

[Ed Larson]

On her first day, they found a hoarder who had over 200 hamsters.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Okay.

[Ed Larson]

So it's like the. You going to do with all these hamsters? What are you really going to do with these hamsters?

[Henry Zabrowski]

I don't know.

[Ed Larson]

They're going to end up. Up just killing them.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Hamsters spread plague.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, it's. But, you know, if it was like someone who's hoarding a bunch of guinea pigs, instead of just gassing all the fuckers, why not feed the prisoners?

[Henry Zabrowski]

Well, side stories. LPOTL gmail.com. i'd actually love to know people's opinions that if we do found. Let's say we found 200 hamsters. I just wanted to run this by people. Yeah, you found 200 hamsters. And there's an opportunity. Gordon Ramsay arrives.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

He's like, this is absolutely exceptional. Absolutely wonderful. I'm gonna bring this to my restaurant. And what he does is that he turns those hamsters. The most delicious curried hamster you've ever had.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And we bring it to the homeless population of the city.

[Ed Larson]

I mean, you bring it to me, baby.

[Henry Zabrowski]

No, you have enough. We bring it to the. We bring it to the people who need. If we get rid of excess hamsters in our shelters and feed them to the homeless. Homeless. Is that bad side stories, lpotl Gmail.

[Ed Larson]

I think the hard thing, it would be just shaving all of them.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Well, you don't got to.

[Ed Larson]

You ever see. What do you mean you don't got to.

[Henry Zabrowski]

You can just narrow them there.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, yeah. Dip them in chemicals before you cook them.

[Henry Zabrowski]

The guinea pigs, they fire. They fry them, hair and all.

[Ed Larson]

Really?

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah, it's gross.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, and it just, like, it falls.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Off into the oil. Have you seen a Peruvian guinea pig?

[Ed Larson]

Oh, yeah, Peruvian guinea pig.

[Henry Zabrowski]

So tasty. Like David lynch or something.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. Yeah. They're very attractive. Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

We're gonna get a lot of email on this.

[Ed Larson]

People are gonna get mad. But it's, you know, it's. It's not. I mean, as. As meat eaters, though. I mean, like, why not eat guinea pigs?

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh, I'm. As a meat eater, I have no problems with it. My main issue is just that, because.

[Ed Larson]

Like, I don't think I want to eat hamster.

[Henry Zabrowski]

The only reason why eating a hamster, it just. Again, it doesn't sound appetizing, but again, Gordon Ramsay. Yeah, he shows up and he makes a wonderful hamster etouffee. H. You know, like, I'll try it.

[Ed Larson]

One time I was in Gainesville at a pet store, and they had like, a. A thing of bald hamsters, like, and they just looked like little Scrotums and. Yeah, and they were just running around. I picked one up. It felt really weird. It was up. They looked really scary.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Did you eat it like a boa constrictor?

[Ed Larson]

No, I eat nothing. But you could eat. If I was going to eat a hamster, I'd prefer it to be a bald hamster, you know. And then like, you know. But also know what bothered me about the bald hamsters was one of them was like bleeding, you know, and it would like cut itself on like the wheel or something. And it's just like, man, this is gross. I know. These are just facts, you know. Is this a bald hamster? Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah. You want to eat that?

[Ed Larson]

You can eat this little guy.

[Henry Zabrowski]

It's just like a ball sack. I mean, I'll eat it.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Again, if it tastes good, I'll eat it. I don't care. The only thing I have misgivings on his dog only because I got two.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. I like them too much.

[Henry Zabrowski]

But also I also feel kind of. This is where Natalie mammals.

[Ed Larson]

I don't want to eat sea mammals.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I'm only not eating dog because Natalie will truly divorce me if I went to a part of the world, the.

[Ed Larson]

Place where they have like the dog festival.

[Henry Zabrowski]

They raise dogs for food.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I probably would try it.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Because I'm there. Okay. It's because I'm there and I don't want to be insensitive.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, you don't want to be an asshole.

[Henry Zabrowski]

No.

[Ed Larson]

What do you think is the tastiest dog? I'm a. I think golden retriever. Yeah, I think golden retriever. Because I feel like if it's soul. Yeah. I feel like things that are loved taste better always free range, you know, you that kind of thing. If you treat it with love, you're going to be more delicious to eat.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That's why Jeffrey Dahmer couldn't fix. Couldn't finish any of those drifter sex workers. Because in the end their lack of love.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

They were in love it up the meat.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Now let's go.

[Ed Larson]

Michael J. Fox, even with his condition is delicious.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I, you know, God, if only if I could get it chunk of that. Well, then that's the story. Well, you remember the, the conspiracy theory that he got it from eating pigs that ate dead sex workers.

[Ed Larson]

That's right.

[Henry Zabrowski]

For.

[Ed Larson]

What's that guy's name?

[Henry Zabrowski]

Robert Pickton. Yes.

[Ed Larson]

Wow. He's the picked in victim.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I still think that's utterly the truth.

[Ed Larson]

Yes.

[Henry Zabrowski]

All right, so we have an. I got two stories featuring. And the Reason why I like this.

[Ed Larson]

I think we need at least one story that's not going to make people upset.

[Henry Zabrowski]

These two. These two should be fine. All right, now this one is about. It's. These are both senior citizen drama.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. People don't care about old people none. Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And so this is senior citizen drama. This is like, it's too much for all these guys. I have no idea why they're getting into this much trouble. Well, they got too much time in their hands.

[Ed Larson]

They regress, they turn back into teenagers.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yes, I guess. So this happens in my. One of my favorite cities in the country. Boogie down Detroit.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, hell yeah. Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Senior citizen shootout.

[Ed Larson]

Whoa.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Detroit love triangle lands four in the hospital. They lived, dude. Oh, yeah. So four men and a women who live in a Detroit senior citizen apartment complex were all recovering in the hospital after a love triangle that turned into a violent shootout. Right the very beginning. Right? So the cops came because there was a noise complaint from the building next door.

[Ed Larson]

All right.

[Henry Zabrowski]

All of a sudden they're called over to the other place saying somebody just got shot.

[Ed Larson]

Shot. Okay.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And so they went from like, oh, we thinking that this problem was going to be this big old like party that was happening. It was like. No, the problem was at the senior citizen center. They had to go over there. So this, there was a young man, all right, he was, he was about 70, he's in his early 70s.

[Ed Larson]

Okay. So he's the youngest.

[Henry Zabrowski]

He was upset that his love interest, 65 year old woman, who they have identified as Johnny.

[Ed Larson]

Cradle robbery.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yep, I know. Disgusting. These age gap relationships. Disgust. Right. Johnny was dating a new man at the senior center, a man in his 70s in a wheelchair. And that made the suspected shooter, a man his early 70s, really angry and jealous. So he showed up, they got into a verbal altercation. He pulled out a gun, shot him.

[Ed Larson]

So old people could be incels too.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Dude. So this guy, he shot the guy, right? The suspect was then grabbed at. He then shot two other people. And then Johnny, the lady took the gun from the original shooter and then shot him. Whoa.

[Ed Larson]

And they all live and everyone lived. And they're all in the hospital, dude. Bad ad for the gun maker.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh, dude.

[Ed Larson]

And this guy, you can't kill old people.

[Henry Zabrowski]

A witness said this, right? I love this. I love this BB gun. Like I've been here six years, I know everything that's going on. It was a love triangle. He said he was gonna kill him and that's what he said he was gonna do. I don't mess around like that. Right. We're senior citizens. We're supposed to retire. We're supposed to have a good time, drink our daiquiris. Yeah, Clark. But well, you know, there's a lot of going on things here and it's. I'm surprised it's the first time the cops ever came.

[Ed Larson]

Wow.

[Henry Zabrowski]

What the fuck else is going on in there?

[Ed Larson]

Dude, how hot is John?

[Henry Zabrowski]

Johnny.

[Ed Larson]

Johnny's got to be very attractive.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I'm actually going to say Johnny's probably about a medium rare. I don't know what Johnny. I don't know how thick the pickings are.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, well, yeah, it is, you know, Michigan.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Well, it's the Detroit area. You know, it's back, it's back. It's coming back. Oh, very much working on it. And there's a part of this that kind of like. It's the. It's the energy of old heads and it's good to have. It's good. They've got that feisty them. Think about that. You still care enough about a girl. That kind of makes me sad almost in a way though that you get so worked up over some other lady that you'd shoot a man. I think you and the other man got to figure out. Let's ladies playing us against each other. We need to be gay.

[Ed Larson]

What?

[Henry Zabrowski]

Because you're early 70s and if you've never once. Yeah, who cares anymore? You're not a man or a woman. Once you hit 70, it doesn't matter. You're not. You're not. There is stuff in there.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

You know, like it doesn't matter. You can be anybody you're kissing the same as anybody else.

[Ed Larson]

I imagine the butts get looser too.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh yeah. I was told the idea of her choosing the man, I feel like he was really insulted because his legs work and he was mad that the man in the wheelchair took his thunder from him. But I don't think he understands that. Women like a man who listens.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. And you could take care of them. Yeah. He ain't going nowhere. He's in a wheelchair.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Well, they're all being taken care of by. By a staff of people.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But the guy, the walking guy who flipped out and shot everyone.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah.

[Ed Larson]

He must suck.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That's the thing. How much do you have to suck to get broken up with at the Detroit Senior Center?

[Ed Larson]

Also, I know old people love their guns like, but at the senior center.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Why are they allowed to have guns?

[Ed Larson]

There should be no guns at the senior center.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I, maybe I don't want. Again, you know we hate liberty here. That's our. One of our main tenets at the show is that we hate liberty. So we want to take these, these septuagenarians guns away. But I think that in this case it's warranted. Yeah, I think that you shouldn't have it at a retirement.

[Ed Larson]

You can't have a driver's license anymore.

[Henry Zabrowski]

If you're not in the reserves. Yeah, right. Like honestly, I actually think that there is even a place to rearm the elderly in order to fight our new war.

[Ed Larson]

After an eye test?

[Henry Zabrowski]

No, not even.

[Ed Larson]

I think a vision test matters.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Imagine if we can finally roboticize the entire army.

[Ed Larson]

Okay.

[Henry Zabrowski]

We're going to go fight Iran, we're going to fight Africa and we're going to fight China. Right. That's all going to happen next. Right?

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

So I think what we could do is have a mixture of mech warriors, old people bled, barriers.

[Ed Larson]

There's.

[Henry Zabrowski]

So you have the old. Exactly. They're in front absorbing the front wave of bullets. Their kids get money from the government.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Mech warriors roll in, apply liberty.

[Ed Larson]

I think that with the modern warfare, if this was the civil War, I.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Think that there's nothing civil about war.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, you're right. If this was the revolutionary war, there's.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Nothing revolutionary about war, man.

[Ed Larson]

Back then there was and I think if it's back then and like there was like they still did the lying thing, this would make sense.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Well yeah, but then we wouldn't need them. We need able bodied young men.

[Ed Larson]

No, we just need someone to the first line die.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah. Normally you put. That's where you put like the general sun. That's where you put all the people that don't belong.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the old people, that's what. But now with automatic weapons, that's where.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I'd go in the new wars.

[Ed Larson]

Yes. Yeah, yeah. I don't think that this is a good tactic to win the wars.

[Henry Zabrowski]

But I'm just trying to get rid of some 7 year olds.

[Ed Larson]

I mean it's. It seems like they're doing it themselves.

[Henry Zabrowski]

No, they aren't fast enough, Eddie. They are simply not doing it fast enough. They must kill themselves off faster.

[Ed Larson]

I can't believe that four old people got shot. And lived.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And lived.

[Ed Larson]

This is crazy. Honestly.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Great. It's really good sign for the healthcare in this country.

[Ed Larson]

I guess so. Yeah. Not really though. If you could help an elderly person survive a gunshot. Not bad.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Let him go.

[Ed Larson]

So the guy in the wheelchair didn't get shot?

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah, he did.

[Ed Larson]

Oh he did.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah. He was stationary.

[Ed Larson]

Okay, so how many people?

[Henry Zabrowski]

So four people got shot. Four people lived.

[Ed Larson]

Two random. Johnny didn't get shot.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Johnny did not get shot. Shot.

[Ed Larson]

Johnny's badass.

[Henry Zabrowski]

This is what I'm saying. Johnny's the problem.

[Ed Larson]

Johnny's your only real soldier here.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I think Johnny's whipping all these guys up. I'm blaming the woman.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, I like Johnny. Yeah, I think Johnny's cool.

[Henry Zabrowski]

No, I'll meet her. Let's get her on the show.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I want her and Hawk poo a girl to talk. We get Hawk in here. We get her in here. I say we have a whole called one hit wonders of reality. We bring them in and then we take them out in the back. We shoot them in the head. Right? Because then they'll hit their. Hit their peak once they're here.

[Ed Larson]

I agree with this from your grave.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And Doug Limu and I always tell you to customize your car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. But now we want you to feel it. Cue the emu music. Limu. Save yourself money today. Increase.

[Ed Larson]

Increase your wealth.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Customize and save. We say. That may have been too much feeling. Only pay for what you need@liberty mutual.com Liberty Liberty. Liberty. Liberty Savings. Very unwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance company and affiliates.

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[Ed Larson]

All right.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Here's another love triangle.

[Ed Larson]

Ooh.

[Henry Zabrowski]

This is two old people love triangles in a fucking week.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, wow.

[Henry Zabrowski]

So this is Again, polycules are for the young. They're too complicated for boomers.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Couple live with dead threesome party's body, even after, quote, Chihuahuas began chewing on him.

[Ed Larson]

Ah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And they love to chew. My little babies love to chew.

[Ed Larson]

One time, I passed out drunk at my buddy's house. And this is back in college, and his Chihuahua was. I woke up, and he was, like, literally chewing the rope necklace off of my neck.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That's cute.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, it's cute. And also, the Chihuahua's right. I shouldn't be having a he loved you rope like necklace.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah, but he loved you.

[Ed Larson]

I think he liked eating my sweat. And I'm lucky it wasn't my throat.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah. So these guys were married. James David Agnew and Suzanne Ruth Agnew. They were married, and they happen to be living with, I guess, their tripod. James O', Neill, 62.

[Ed Larson]

Okay. Now they have an older third.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Dude. It's very. I have no idea what's going on here.

[Ed Larson]

He must have had the money.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I. Oh, he definitely did, because they were arrested for stealing a Social Security check.

[Ed Larson]

There you go.

[Henry Zabrowski]

See, the thing is, is that they said that they don't believe.

[Ed Larson]

God, he looks younger than them.

[Henry Zabrowski]

It is. This is a rough trio.

[Ed Larson]

They are.

[Henry Zabrowski]

But you notice that's a previous monk. So shot.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, that's his previous mug. He has a different crime.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yes. So James o', Neal, who died. They say that they don't think that there's actually anything suspicious about the death itself. Oh, they're just saying when they showed up. This starts as a financial crime.

[Ed Larson]

Oh. Because they were just. They kept collecting his check after he died.

[Henry Zabrowski]

The body stayed in the house, and.

[Ed Larson]

Nobody was looking for him.

[Henry Zabrowski]

No. So they just started cashing the checks. So James. He had been charged with theft by larceny over 2000. Over $2,000. Unauthorized use of a financial transaction device. Over $2,000 and two counts of introducing contraband to correctional facility. Oh, no, that's the other guy. I'm sorry. Let me take that. They're both named James. God damn it.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, wow. Yeah. James Agnew. James David Agnew and James o'. Neill.

[Henry Zabrowski]

So maybe she just didn't know the difference.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. So whose crimes are we talking about here?

[Henry Zabrowski]

The OG James. James Agnew. Okay, James o' Neill is dead. So James Agnew was charged with all of these things. I thought that that was the previous charges from James o'. Neill. Okay, so they went to go look for him. Right. So they. They investigated that he was missing. O' Neal's brother requested a welfare check. They hadn't heard it from him since 2021. It's a very long time to wait until they managed to hit him up. When authorities attempted.

[Ed Larson]

They were cashing the welfare checks. There we go.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Very much so. When authorities attempted to get in contact with o', Neal, the Agnew Lakewood home. A male who identified himself as James but didn't say his last name. So all this features in James. Yes. Was told his family was trying to contact him. The man allegedly said he knew they were trying to reach him, but he did not wish to have any contact with them. But when o' Neill's brother saw photos of the person authorities spoke with, he said it wasn't o'. Neill. The person in question was later identified as James Agnew, who agent said appeared to be implying he was the missing man. When authorities return to the scene, they say Agnew's first denied o' Neill ever lies. Lived there.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Never did. Don't know what his dick looked like.

[Ed Larson]

He's taking big and swings.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I've never seen his. Come on my wife.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I've never seen him fuck my wife. I've never been on vacation with him. My wife. We never had a beautiful time in the south of France.

[Ed Larson]

How do we know that they're fucking and they're not just roommates?

[Henry Zabrowski]

I think that. I think we'll get there. After the BO said they didn't know where he was, they had. They put him in the system as an. A missing person. So this is when they started cashing the checks. They ended up finding that they were using James o' Neal's debit card and they were following him. They built a whole case against these guys. They know that he was in there because the way they described their relationship was a. Essentially a. Like a polycule.

[Ed Larson]

All right.

[Henry Zabrowski]

They were a thre. A throuple. And so that he was there, I guess, just providing dick. Living rent free. The dream.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Until you die, of course. And then they. They just left him there until the Chihuahuas started making him a snack.

[Ed Larson]

You know, I almost don't care about this.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Well, that's why, like, it's mostly a financial.

[Ed Larson]

They killed him.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Well, they were lying to the family. I think one of the big problems here, obviously, is that they lied to James o' Neal's family. Whether or not he wanted to see them or not, they were looking for him.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And they did not actually have expressed sentiment from James o' Neal that he didn't want to See them send an email from him.

[Ed Larson]

What are they doing?

[Henry Zabrowski]

That's the thing is that. That happens. They're bad. I don't think these guys are good at technology. This is very methy, this whole situation. Very methy. Very, very. Yeah. They covered up his body with a deflated air mattress in the home because Chihuahuas band chewing on him. Eight Chihuahuas in the room, I'm gonna say.

[Ed Larson]

That's a lot of Chihuahuas.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That's a lot of Chihuahuas.

[Ed Larson]

No wonder they're stealing money.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I have two. And we're full.

[Ed Larson]

That's full.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah, we are. We are.

[Ed Larson]

I think you could do three.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Don't.

[Ed Larson]

I think you can get a third one.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Don't you say it.

[Ed Larson]

A. Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

No. Nope. No.

[Ed Larson]

Totally could pull the third one off.

[Henry Zabrowski]

No, I will not do it because then I might as well have a child at that point. I might as well have a child.

[Ed Larson]

Nah, child's still worse.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I mean, way worse.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. When. If a dog dies, you know.

[Henry Zabrowski]

No, I'll be devastated if my child dies.

[Ed Larson]

If your child dies, you go to prison.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Well, yeah, but only if I did it or if they can prove I.

[Ed Larson]

Did it or if you're. No, if they die. If they die of neglect, you go to prison.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Child. Kids will die a lot to. Of stuff.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

They die of cancer. They get shot randomly. They blow themselves up with gasoline. They get molested and dumped in a river.

[Ed Larson]

Kids and a child.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Kids died many ways.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That are no fault to anybody's. Except for the fake. God.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

This is a good story.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. So these guys. I guess I was trying to stick up for him, but I guess, I guess that is a crime. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you. Once you start, like with the family, if no one was looking for him, that's different. Take his money.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I mean, if he's just a drifter, he'd want you to have his money.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And we've seen many cases.

[Ed Larson]

If I die early and you can hide my body and collect money off.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Of it, do it while you can. Get it, dude.

[Ed Larson]

Get that cash.

[Henry Zabrowski]

We've seen this happen multiple times. This is by far like, this is one of those running themes on side stories where you always have an elderly couple. They. They will sort of like have a third third. When the third dies, they kind of like this idea of a, we're just gonna kind of act like it didn't happen.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And move on. It's like, I understand. I also understand sometimes they say that we're like, well, he said, you can have my Social Security chicks. And it's like. Yeah, he might have said a lot of stuff when you guys were smoking crystal two weeks ago. And then when he died in his sleep from crystal, it might have negated the verbal consciousness contract that the meth head said in the first place. I don't know if I think technically, because there is.

[Ed Larson]

That they did get his. If they were using his debit card, then they must have gotten his PIN number.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah, it's. That's a level of trust, dude. He's a fucking. I'm just gonna say I don't think it was that complicated. I think it's 11. 11 or it's his birthday.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's easy. What's yours?

[Henry Zabrowski]

I know this trick. I don't know this trick. It's 4. 20, 69. Yeah, baby. That's what I think every time I go to the bank.

[Ed Larson]

Well, that's really. That's what I got.

[Henry Zabrowski]

These are the stories I got.

[Ed Larson]

Eddie. No, I mean, yeah. I feel like those are great stories. I appreciate you. You taking the extra time and. And doing this.

[Henry Zabrowski]

You. Hey, it's time to listen to some letters.

[Ed Larson]

Let's listen to some letters. Do we have a new riff?

[Henry Zabrowski]

I can get one. Yeah, let me. Let me pull one up. Yeah, we might as well. Except I'm going to miss the old one.

[Ed Larson]

I already missed the old one.

[Henry Zabrowski]

But we need to move on to other riffs and we'll bring it back.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, no, that one is winning.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That was.

[Ed Larson]

I don't know if there is a prize, but if there was a prize, there's no prize. It's winning.

[Henry Zabrowski]

No more prizes.

[Ed Larson]

No more prizes. Did we ever send out the shirts?

[Henry Zabrowski]

I believe we did. I didn't send anything. No, Meline was working on it. I believe Meline was working on it.

[Ed Larson]

If we didn't. If we didn't send your shirts.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Ping me. Literally, ping me. We are. We are literally working on this.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. Yeah, we've been busy lately, but no.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Literally, I know Meline was. Had taken upon herself to work on it.

[Ed Larson]

Okay, good.

[Henry Zabrowski]

All right, so here's a fresh one from Evan Turner.

[Ed Larson]

Okay. Four mark.

[Henry Zabrowski]

A penis costs about 19,000.

[Ed Larson]

19,000.

[Henry Zabrowski]

This is about a child.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, great.

[Henry Zabrowski]

He did it with his man tits in his belly. All right, let's go.

[Ed Larson]

How's fun? Yeah, I like that.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That was really good. Who said that? Who? That was Evan. That was Evan Turner.

[Ed Larson]

Evan Turner.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Very good. Good work. Yeah, I like it.

[Ed Larson]

Did he send in an email or just. Just the music.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Just the music.

[Ed Larson]

See any ghosts or anything?

[Henry Zabrowski]

No, I got nothing. No. Bring more to the table, Evan. I need you more from you. Here we go. I got rabies.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, thank God. I thought you said that she screwed. I said the other R word. I was like, this isn't the mail we shouldn't be reading.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I got rapies. I got the rapies. It was the summer of 2011 in southern Oregon. The jeans were skinny, the vibes were emo. I was on a walk with my boyfriend at the time and we found a bat on the sidewalk. The poor little guy couldn't fly and was obviously sick. Don't touch the bat. That's from Henry Zabrowski.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, and you love bats.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I love bats. I tried to move it into the shade and it bit me. I didn't think much of it. I was 15, naive. And I thought that rabies symptoms were more immediate. Nope, nope.

[Ed Larson]

Take a couple months, sometimes up to 90 days, I believe.

[Henry Zabrowski]

A week later I started to get sick and my best friend's mom scared me into going to the doctor. Doctor. I went to the ER and I've never seen such genuine fear on the nurses faces.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, because you were dying.

[Henry Zabrowski]

You were to be dead.

[Ed Larson]

Your. Your brain was cooking.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Besides feeling nauseous and stomach crampy, I feel fine. They had to call the state to get the protocol on how to deal with me. All the while my dad and I watched a televised trial. The Casey Anthony trial. She ended up getting acquitted while I was in the er. Hey. While she finagled her freedom, I end up getting so many shots in my bitten finger that it blew up to its 4 times its normal s. I also had to keep going back to get the rabies vaccine which made me super sick each time.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, it's like once a week or something.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh yeah. My boyfriend dumped me shortly after because he thought I would give him rabies.

[Ed Larson]

What an asshole.

[Henry Zabrowski]

It was not a very good summer.

[Ed Larson]

How it works.

[Henry Zabrowski]

What a fucking piece of shit.

[Ed Larson]

What a fucking asshole.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Weak bitch that he would do that to you.

[Ed Larson]

I can't. But you, you really dodged two bullets there.

[Henry Zabrowski]

You really did.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Obviously they lived or they would not have been able to email.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, no. Yeah. Usually when you could tell you have rabies, you're already dead.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah. So that's insane.

[Ed Larson]

Very, very scary.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Very scary. Also want to say thank you to ever sent us this molasses thing. Says it on the thing there.

[Ed Larson]

Oh yeah. Cheers from Justin.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Cheers from Justin. I had no idea why I made this until I heard the episodes. Yes, I am From Boston. No, I did not include molasses. This is the problem. This is a problem here, Justin, is.

[Ed Larson]

That we like the jar, but I'd rather have the molasses.

[Henry Zabrowski]

We need some molasses. So if you can now send us some molasses.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. Or if anyone else has molasses to put.

[Henry Zabrowski]

To put in this jug. Yeah, that'd be really cool. Cuz then. Then we can really take turns swigging out of it.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. This, it'll be good for our Winnie the Pooh cosplay.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh yes. Oh yeah. Go use them. One more.

[Ed Larson]

Do you know that's bats are the most. How you get rabies most often? Sure. And they say that usually when a bat bites you, you don't even know that it bit you. And sometimes it doesn't even leave a mark because their teeth are so small and that they actually, actually like will crawl into your bed and then like slowly like flop through the sheets and like bite your leg.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That's happened many, but. Well, there's the vampire bat that does that. They bite your toes. They look for exposed flesh. Yeah, there's also. But they have like. But they're cute most of the time. If a bat's flying around you, it's not gonna have rabies. It's when it's grounded and very visibly sick.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That's when to not fuck with a fucking bat.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. Get some mittens or you know, call.

[Henry Zabrowski]

An animal like handling agency.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Or call. Call an expert.

[Ed Larson]

You know, rabies is very rare.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh, I know.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. This person was extremely unlucky.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Well, technically they're very lucky.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. Still should have bought a lottery ticket, I guess so. I don't believe in that though.

[Henry Zabrowski]

It's next. On their most recent last podcast stream, Henry, Marcus and Carolina reacted to a video of what was thought to be baby's ashes inside of a doll. Only be to be relieved to learn that the ashes were actually those of a cat. Well, unfortunately, this is a subject I am intimately acquainted with.

[Ed Larson]

Okay.

[Henry Zabrowski]

From 2010 to 2015, I was an employee at one of the largest build a bear workshops in the country. And that time I was asked to put all manner of things inside bears, including the ashes of several animals and people. I will never really understand why people thought it was appropriate to ask teenagers in a busy mall to handle their dead loved ones remains. But it happened enough that the company has official policy on how to handle the situation.

[Ed Larson]

What is it?

[Henry Zabrowski]

It just. They did not say. Either way, rest assured, I can guarantee personally that there is at least One dead baby in a bear out there somewhere.

[Ed Larson]

Oh. Because they did that.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I'm. Yes. They're literally like talking about putting the. The dead child's ashes in a build a bear.

[Ed Larson]

It doesn't bother me.

[Henry Zabrowski]

You know what it is?

[Ed Larson]

I think it's better than an urn. You can hug a build a bear.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Bear, but then it's going to go poof.

[Ed Larson]

No, it's in a bag. As long as you're not too crazy with it. You know, if you're just giving it a little hug or like taking it.

[Henry Zabrowski]

On a roller coaster. Yeah, Taking it out when I'm. I'm going.

[Ed Larson]

Throwing it across the room.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Well, yeah, you. Sometimes you're mad at life though.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

You don't punish.

[Ed Larson]

You don't let the dog get at it.

[Henry Zabrowski]

No. But I guess Eddie, my main issue is man.

[Ed Larson]

Imagine that you build a bear, fill with your child's ashes and you leave the house and your dog rips it open and it's everywhere when you get home. Imagine that emotion. Emotional.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah. And then I have to cremate the dog and put that in a build a bear because the only thing that has the. My ashes of my dead son are inside my dead dog.

[Ed Larson]

And then your wife's gonna tear it.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Up and you growl and I gotta. The cycle begins again. Yeah, but this is a. I just don't like the corporate middleman part of it. Yeah, that's what I don't like.

[Ed Larson]

You don't like build a bear getting involved. You want someone to like build a.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Bear, do it off Etsy. Eddie couldn't have said it better. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. Locally sourced soft urns.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That's what I call in the glass. That's like. I would just say truly, this dishes. This is. We're seeing this here now. Now that this has come up enough, we should talk about this with David Desmalchen.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

A huggable earn.

[Ed Larson]

A huggable earn.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Huggable earns could be one of the. I think this is huge. Yeah. I think that there is a gap here. There can be an entire industry just own on things that you can. That are tactile, that you can hug, that you can put the loved ones of ashes in.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, that's not a bad thing.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I think that this is like. Where is this? I don't know. Yeah, now we got to do it.

[Ed Larson]

I mean, at least like, I feel like there could be stuffed animals of Yumi and Marcus that people could put their friends in in because lots of people who listen to the show have died.

[Henry Zabrowski]

What I would do is so like generic. I would do generic animals for first. Right?

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Bear.

[Ed Larson]

You test it out.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Whale.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Spider.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, Spider.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I'm just trying to.

[Ed Larson]

No one gets a spider stuffed animal. Who has a. I got a turtle. I got a whale. I got a dudong.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh, yeah, the fake manatee.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The man, the Australian manatee. I got one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Someone sent me my baby tugs. Care Bear, which was very nice.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That would be a good one.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That Care Bear or a puffin?

[Ed Larson]

I. Yeah, yeah, puffin's good.

[Henry Zabrowski]

But I think a.

[Ed Larson]

A Care Bear is the perfect thing to stick your child's ashes in.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Cuz then you can put their face on the belly.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And then you stare at it all day.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. You Care Bear stare.

[Henry Zabrowski]

You can take it to the airport. You can take Care Bear.

[Ed Larson]

Airport.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Oh man, you could take it anywhere you take airport. You know how many people love taking to their. Their garbage? They always bring their. Like, I find honestly that's like a deeply repellent thing that I find when people bring. Bring their. Their like pajamas and pillows and stuffed animals onto a plane because a plane's so filthy.

[Ed Larson]

Pillow on an airplane.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That's disgusting.

[Ed Larson]

Only like your pillow from home on an airplane.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Neck pillows are gross.

[Ed Larson]

Just. Just neck even. I've tried the neck pillow thing. Done work for me.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Disgusting.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. But like, yeah, even like, you know, I want to. If I'm gonna use a pillow, I'm gonna rip it out of a bag.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yes. And then leave it there.

[Ed Larson]

And then leave it. Yeah. Never see it again.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Throw it in ocean.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That's what I say. Well, throw it in the ocean. But I think that we're on to something, Eddie.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

So live every day knowing that all you got to do is transfer your pain into something you can make money on. Thank. You can love your day. You can love. Because when you do what you love, you never work a day in your life. And I love jamming the ashes of strangers into little stuffed bears that I'm going say to sell for big time money. Right?

[Ed Larson]

And I am going mediocre money.

[Henry Zabrowski]

No, no. Especially even for. Even for that I'd love it. I don't laugh my way to the goddamn bank with all my. Your loved one ashes money. And I'm going to take that money and guess what I'm going to do with it?

[Ed Larson]

Buy people and burn them.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yes. Oh, yes. And thank you to everybody who came out to Midsummer Scream to See our big time announcement. We are putting out a Halloween sound effects album.

[Ed Larson]

It's. I can't believe this that we're doing. We. We. When we did, when we interviewed David Dalchin a while ago, we brought it up during the show and it full on made it a reality.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I made it or goddamn reality Fright. Jansen's revolting repository of Ghastly Sounds, Volume 1 and 2. The pre order code is going to be coming out very soon. We are selling. It's an original vinyl. There's going to be a limited amount of these vinyls are going to come out. They're going to be black and orange and one's going to be slime green. But then there will be a digital download that will be available for.

[Ed Larson]

How many are we making? Like 5, 500?

[Henry Zabrowski]

I think like a thousand. Okay, but maybe cassettes too, right? But who knows down the road, down the road. All I want is to get these. This batch sold and then I will make more.

[Ed Larson]

But this is a. I need at least three.

[Henry Zabrowski]

But it's us Soundcrafters.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

That is a local. Like a real sound mixing studio that made Robocop that worked in all the John Carpenter films work on Enter the.

[Ed Larson]

Spider sound effects of all time, by the way. Robocop.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Amazing. We also are working with Newberry Comics. They are the ones that are releasing the record. And because it's not going through Spotify, it's not going through any of the fucking dumb shits. It is going directly to the people who made the fucking album and the people that are putting it out. So that is also one of those things I. That I. I'm loving about this.

[Ed Larson]

So you have to buy it to.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Listen to it from the Newberry Comics website. You will have to purchase it. And then we have. We have a brand new song written by a Halloween dance hit written by Ash Gordon who has been nominated for a Tony with Isaac Hassan. And me and Marcus Parks wrote this goddamn song. So it's pre sweet. So you got it. Once we. That pre order code will be coming out in the next couple of weeks. So as soon as it comes out we will let you know. Subscribe to our newsletter to know for sure. And also go check out our interview with Zack Kreger.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah, that was amazing. An old buddy.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Weapons.

[Ed Larson]

Go to the movie too. Weapons rocks. Go see that in the theater.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And we are not getting paid. No, I paid to see the movie.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. I didn't even get a screener. We went.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I went.

[Ed Larson]

I literally went on my day, day off and well I mean, that's what you do. You go to the movies on your day off. Yes. You know, so.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yeah, but it was work technically.

[Ed Larson]

But check it out on YouTube. Watch the video, watch the. Watch the interview. It's really cool. Also, Henry and I, we're going. If you're In Kansas City, Missouri, we're doing our side Story show on September 21st. There's still some tickets available at the Truman. It's going to be a blast.

[Henry Zabrowski]

We're having so much fun in these side story shows.

[Ed Larson]

They really are like a blast. Dude. I'm having. I'm losing my mind with you on stage. It's really. It's really. You're incredible up there.

[Henry Zabrowski]

We're having so much fun.

[Ed Larson]

Also, we're going to be. October 24th, we're going to coming back our first repeat show as a side story.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Yes, that's right.

[Ed Larson]

To a place we're coming back to the Matteo Community center in Redway, California. It would be a completely different show than last year except for the fact that it is Austin Billy Wayne Davis. So make sure you go check that out. And then, of course, November 30, Columbus, Ohio, at the Newport Music Hall. Henry and I are doing that up. Come see us live on the road.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Do it. Go to patreon.com podcast. Love to watch us do it. And please take a second. I want you to subscribe on all of our horseshits out there.

[Ed Larson]

Yes.

[Henry Zabrowski]

We have so many things cooking. And they're cooking and they're cooking. LPN, RPGX2. We just. We filmed an episode of that last night. It's great. Go to LPN TV on YouTube and subscribe. Go to someplace underneath and subscribe. LPN, Romaine Fantasy, the Foreign Report. It's free. Just click on that thing. We are providing content for free.

[Ed Larson]

Yes.

[Henry Zabrowski]

For all of you. Dirty.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. You don't have to pay us.

[Henry Zabrowski]

No, I'll take it.

[Ed Larson]

Which is crazy. You know, we. It's the amount of we do for free.

[Henry Zabrowski]

We're doing a lot. But it's also. It's because honestly, we love our goddamn audience and we want to entertain you.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah. Only ever starve for attention.

[Henry Zabrowski]

I need it. I desperately need it. And that's. I feel like at this point that's an innocent want.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

All I want is your laughter.

[Ed Larson]

Yay.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And your money when you can give it to me.

[Ed Larson]

Yeah.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And your barbecue.

[Ed Larson]

Oh, yeah. And anyone who could prove they gave a gun to an old person gets in half price.

[Henry Zabrowski]

You absolutely, utterly show me a picture of the gun. Show me a picture of the gun. Show me a picture of the old person. If you could take a picture with them. Being like, I just gave grandma. She's. Grandma's packing. And he great. All right. Hail Satan.

[Ed Larson]

Hail you, buddy.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Hail you.

[Ed Larson]

You're the best. Thanks for killing me last week at it.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Now you're back. Sometimes an identity threat is a ring of professional hackers. And sometimes it's an overworked accountant who forgot to encrypt their connection while sending bank details.

[Ed Larson]

I need a coffee.

[Henry Zabrowski]

And you need Lifelock. Because your info is in endless places. It only takes one mistake to expose you. To identify identity theft, LifeLock monitors hundreds of millions of data points a second. If your identity is stolen, we'll fix it. Guaranteed. Or your money back. Save up to 40% your first [e-mail] specialoffer terms apply.

[Ed Larson]

What does possibility mean to you?

[Henry Zabrowski]

That's a hard question. Something that you can strive for.

[Ad Voice]

I'm able to do anything I set my mind to. You're confident in yourself and you believe in yourself. Stuff that you could she. I feel it's Sara.

[Ed Larson]

Anything is possible when you're more confident.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Shoes are a huge part of that. They are the most important part of my style. You can express yourself in the right shoes. Anything is possible. Dsw.

[Ad Voice]

Countless shoes at bragworthy prices.

[Henry Zabrowski]

Imagine the possibilities.