← Last Podcast On The Left
Last Podcast On The Left
Side Stories: Stories with Friends
01:21:37
Henry Zebrowski & friends bring you this week’s weirdest stories and true-crime news - UK villain “The Silent Man” RETURNS to wreak havok, new details reveal Devil’s Den Killer was also a very bad teacher, Natalie Jean takes a look at the mysterious "Mini Lights" of St. Pete, Jake Young reacts to a mischievous Texan man-baby in need of a diaper change, then to cap it all off - Toad Stories & Listener Emails with Grant Gordon!
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- [00:01]
Henry Zabrowski
It's Wednesday. Adams, I see you're trying to distract yourself from your own banal thoughts. Let me help. Here's a recording thing made of my latest root canal. Wednesday season two is now playing only on Netflix. Mint is still $15 a month for premium wireless. And if you haven't made the switch yet, here are 15 reasons why you should. One, it's $15 a month. Two, seriously, it's $15 a month. Three, no big contracts. Four, I use it. Five, my mom uses it. Are you. Are you playing me off? That's what's happening, right? Okay, give it a try. @mintmobile.com Switch upfront payment of $45 for three month plan. $15 per month equivalent required. New customer offer first three months only, then full price plan options available. Taxes. C mobile.com there's no place to escape to.
- [01:03]
Ed Larson
This is the last on the left side stories.
- [01:09]
Henry Zabrowski
That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories. Yes. Hello? Is there anybody out out there? Can anybody hear me? Your daddy's coming home. Hello?
- [01:37]
Ed Larson
Hello?
- [01:38]
Henry Zabrowski
Is there anybody in there? I'm all by myself and I feel scared. Normally I feel the up to 104 degree temperature of ED Larson next to me at this table. And as you can see, the chair lies empty. There's a setting there for him. But he won't be there for Christmas dinner. No, no, no. For unfortunately today it was a memorial episode about Ed Larson. What a wonderful life he lived. 1981, I think the 20, 25, 43 big fat years he lived and died the way he always wanted to die. Sucking off a dolphin. It's the only thing he thought about. God, I miss Ed. I can't believe he died. I don't think he's dead. Oh, he's not dead yet. I don't think so. He's just sick. Oh, I thought he died. Oh, no. Well. And scraps the plan for the episode. Hello, it's side stories and it's me, Henry Zabrowski and Larson sick. And normally we will come up with the some kind of solution here, right? We pipe him in from his home, but we know in the end his. His home has become a gigantic nursing home for dogs. So you just hear the moans of the elderly dogs and it's hard to hear him going, making some play upon words. So today I'm writing solo, it's just me, Henry Zabrowski. But I am going to invite the other people, other talented hosts here on LPN to come with me and join on specific stories because I want to See their reaction. No one really knows what it's like in here in the cage with me. Right. Everybody's afraid. They just hear the yelling from outside this room, and they just assume everybody's frightened of me. They'd be correct. But today it's gonna be different because we're God. Special guests coming in. We've got my goddamn wife Natalie Jean is coming in from someplace underneath. And lpn Romantasy, we've got Jake Young from Nerd of Mouth, and we've got Grant Gordon from Nothing. From literally absolutely nothing. I know he's done a lot of commercials. He's got some things Grant's really done very well in the commercial space. Yeah. You know, and I'm really proud of him for that. So if you've seen him on a commercial, please tell him because he's desperate for the recognition. Now, first of all, today's episode. I want to thank everybody who came out to our live shows over in Asheville, Durham and Charlotte. They were, to be, simply put, the best shows we've ever done in every one of those cities. And you guarantee that was absolutely true? Asheville was wonderful. Lot of drugs there. Really, very, very happy with them, happy with how all of that went down. Everybody was very nice. A lot of people did not want to talk about the 12 tribes with me, which is a big deal in Asheville. Do you know anything about that, Rob? I don't know. The 12 Tribes is a old school, back to basics, what they used to call the Jesus people, style, movement. Also, just so you know, you're going to hear sounds coming from my fucking iPad. Because what's happened to me today, Louis, is true. All right, before we get into any stories, God fucking damn it, I have law, my. My MacBook. I was in the hotel masturbating like as I should. All right? To keep me. Keep me honest. My masturbation is what keeps me a good husband, keeps me being a good man. Okay? So I was masturbating. And maybe it was because of the shame, maybe. Or maybe it was just because my computer had enough. Maybe my computer, as a silent witness, has seen me beat myself off so many times in such dark, cryptic way and just looked at my dead eyes staring at the retina display, and it's just seen it over and over again. My face like David Parker Ray, hovering above myself, you know, like. And maybe you just decided to quit on it. So when there's something that popped inside of it, like an internal crack or some horse shit, all of a sudden I'm Literally watching my screen just burst and screen bursts into a bunch of pieces while I'm jerking off at it. And is that just the force of the pure orgon energy coming out of me? That's not good. It's not good. But now it's for. So now I'm on an iPad and Natalie made the funny little joke. I'm like my mother, because everywhere I'm going around the house, like, oh, I'm getting no WI fi on this. Oh, thank God. My iPads, My little window to the world. That's what I love about my iPad. I just open it up and I could see, you know, you never visit, so I just listen to you on the. I listen to you on the Internet. Why would I. Oh, I don't need to talk to you, Henry Thomas. Don't worry, I listen to your show. It's not like you tell me anything. Anyway, I'm becoming her piece by piece. But this, I will say, running a podcast network on an iPad and a phone is killing me. Okay? It's not made to work. Who uses these? Who's this for? Is this just for. Is that iPad just for. For like grooming children and elderly? Just for toddlers? Yeah. All right. Well, that's me. I'm somewhere in between. So the 12 tribes, I was bringing those up because in Asheville, that is a backed to Jesus movement. Like they believe in the idea of a full stripped down church. We talked about, I believe, during the Jonestown series, the concept of the Jesus people, which is, you know, people called them Jesus freaks in the 60s. It was a kind of ancillary to the hippie movement, where it was a back to basics, no shoes, wandering the earth, just like Jesus did rest in the old days, right? Just gay as hell with your buddies. Just wander in the desert, hungry as hating yeast, right? So now there is that more and more modern equivalence of that. And one of Those is the 12 tribes. Now they are centered around the Asheville area. They run a farmer's market inside of Asheville. That's supposed to be one of the nicest. It's not the twelve Tribes of Israel. It is Christian group, like, so they run a. This, this farmer's market that's actually apparently very famous in Asheville. And people were describing it to me that I thought was very interestingly where you go and you essentially get essentially harassed by Jesus filled children to buy the most incredible berries you've ever had, the wonderful eggs and milk and all of this. And slowly but surely they're trying to sort of Fresh food, kidnap you into joining their cult and then you get to be a part of their very, very antiquated patriarchal society where women essentially give birth and that's it. And the men can have multiple wives and all of the children have to be beaten. That is literally like one of the major tenants is that all of the children have to be. They cannot spoil the rod. So they're beat with up with oiled up reeds and it's not nice. Yeah, they got a lot of gations but you know, a lot of people the venue didn't want to talk to me about them. I wonder why. I wonder why. Because they control half the city or it's because it's unpleasant and I was alienating them. Who knows. But a big shout out to everybody that we met in Asheville because those are the only really people I hung out with. I didn't see really see anybody in Charlotte or Durham because I was tired. So in Asheville we went out and we, we had fun. I want to say thank you to Jade Young, our artist of our new logo. Not that new now like 2 years old. Yeah, we hung out there. Her and her crew, they were great. That all the people over at the Moog factory. Wonderful, wonderful people. No gations as far as I heard. Now we got a couple of updates. Number one update that came across my desk just as I was sitting down. Do you remember the Silent Man? Oh yeah, the Silent Standing Man. Oh yeah. Now the Silent Standing man is back and he's more quiet than ever. This is the same guy? Yes, Silent Man. A man who spent more than a decade repeatedly standing in the middle of a busy road until he's arrested and then remaining silent, has done it again just a month after being jailed for his last silent attack. David Hampson. He always chooses the same spot, namely the junction outside Swansea Central Police Station, which is if he's looking to not get arrested, he should choose a different spot. But he does it right in front of the police station. He was arrested for obstructing the highway. And then the 55 year old continues to not engage with police officers, lawyers, doctors, court staff, judges, probation staff. And the reasons for his behavior remain unknown. But I know why. I actually think I know why. Hush, hush, keep it down now favorite song. Understands that also straight up talks to the cops. Ain't gonna do nothing man but get you in hotter dookie. That's just the real dude is that you shouldn't open. He's actually the only criminal I've heard of that does the exactly what you need to do, which is saying Jack, never do it. Honestly David, obviously this guy's got some kind of brain problem. Yeah. What's wrong with him? I think he's got brain problems. That is, that's my generous assessment. He's got a brain problem and God knows what it is because he looks like the, the chattering or what's his name, the fat cenobite. Oh, I don't know his name. He looks like the fat cenobite and. But that's fine. He's got a problem. He's got a little squishful face and like a duck lips chatterback. He looks like Chatterbox. Yeah. And he's got little piggy eyes. Right. But he's got a freedom fighter's brain because he understands to not say anything people say too much. In the new day I feel like people, you know, obviously I am the biggest culprit of all. I'm all talking. I am the exact opposite of strong and silent. So I look up to this man in many way because, because you know, he has the balls to sit there while they're all like David, what's wrong with you? What's your brain problem? David, why are you like this? Why are you standing here? Can we help you? What's going on? And he just silent as an Easter island head. And that is, that's what we should all take this from. This is that silence is golden, especially when you're getting arrested for being silent. What do you think is his end game? Just to be a human traffic cone? Like what is he doing? I think David, you remember, remember the, the movie, the Peter Sellers movie, I Am Myself. What was it called, what he said, Me, myself and Irene. No, that's the, that's the other one. Peter Sellers movies. I don't know any Peter Sellers. You know what I'm talking about? It's the famous one that he did where he is like the, he. It's like he's just this special man, okay, Being there. He's a special man that is essentially is he a. Or is he an angel? And all these people project things onto him and what he stands for and so I think in a way the silent man, David Hampson, he might be willing and ready to accept a projection of the British people upon him to be the, the. He's going to stand in silence and we don't need to know his reasons. His reasons are self evident, which is the highway is the problem and he hates people getting places on time and maybe that's what it is maybe he himself was always chronically late. Such a difficult man. Oh he's more than a difficult man. He's getting to a point where he's so difficult he's getting into helpful and that's because we're going to project things upon him and we can use him. I think with David Hampson we need to put him on the front lines of Gaza, we need to put him standing right there and he stands silently judging and I bet you just the guilt they'll feel of watching him stand and sweat in the desert heat because British people, they always do that thing right? I remember how many times I've been out of London they're like oh if you check out here we're sl any summertime you wouldn't even look London he's all is there in there, it's all crazy and you go down there, it's like maybe 80 degrees and it's like you guys, I don't even know how you drink tea all day long if you can't handle this heat cuz tea's hot as hell right? So these guys come out, they're all just like oh but can't stand it. When you put David Hampson on the lines of the Gaza property and he's standing and judging maybe then Israel will realize what they're doing but until then he's getting a one way ticket to the Swansea local jail. Give him a traffic guard, give him a job. I don't think he's, to be honest, I think the traffic needs to be guarded from him because he obviously has an issue with the traffic. A traffic guard helps traffic, he's not helping right, yeah he's the opposite of helping traffic, he hates traffic. It's true. So kudos to you David Habson and keep fighting the good fight of standing and doing nothing. It is the ultimate way. That's I will cause remember when you're actively resisting the police you don't want to fight in grip, you want to fight because they're going to taste you, they're going to grab you and they're going to taste you. I don't know if they do that in UK but going limp, that's completely fine, just go limp but say nothing. David Hampson's a genius. We have another update. So one of the more unfortunate stories that we covered last week is the story of a couple in Devil's Den. They were stabbed to death as the, the there we were, there was a manhunt looking for them, they were hiking. The mother that was stabbed to death actually Managed to save her children before returning to save her husband. It is extreme, extremely sad. This is in Arkansas and the guy that was caught, Andrew McGann, we now know a little bit more about him. So when he was caught he was driving a Kia, of course, and he was good. He could caught getting his haircut and he had obviously had the broccoli hair which is just seems to be a denotation of some kind of deviancy. I actually think once you see the broccoli hair, like I don't know how you can have broccoli hair and teach because I actually thought that broccoli hair meant you couldn't be taught. But maybe I'm wrong. So he went, he was getting his hair cut actually a day after the crime. So he stabbed these two people to death. He went and got a haircut. He said don't touch the tap. He was trying to thought he would squish his bangs in front of his face. Right. And it didn't work. He was caught five minutes after he sat down. But now we're seeing that he legitimately was a menace. He was, he taught in Texas elementary school with Louisville, Idaho ISD and he was fired amongst a series of allegations as a young man. Now he was obviously very, very. He's naughty boy. Naughty, naughty, naughty boy. He said stuff like he was talking to little girls in his class. He was, it was labeled as inappropriate. He's told one little girl, if you were older, I would love to marry you. Now I will say at least he couched it with if you were older. I think at least there's that. I'm just shooting for anything here. At least there's that. Right? But that wasn't the only thing. If it was just once. If it was just once, you know, I mean that, you know, then you'd be like, well, you know, he's. This is broccoli hair. He forgets he's not 12. So he then he was told he was going to allowed. He was being be allowed to resign. Right. But then all this other stuff came out. He, the all these people was someone that was a former co worker of his to find out he was arrested for killing a mom and dad in front of their two young daughters is horrifying. But the fact that he was continuously allowed around children is the real travesty. Please listen to your kids when they tell you something is wrong or they've seen something happen. So this is where all the other things that he was. This is another parent, Lindsay Poliac, who was a. Who Had a child at Louisville. ISD described other activities of Andrew McGann. Like providing candy and treats only for girls. Again, well, even say that in the pickup artist, you get the whole crew, right? If you're going to talk to one chick, you got to talk to all the chicks, right? I think you watched the pickup artist. I don't think he did. Obviously not. So it's like, if you want to cover that up, everybody gets candy. Okay. Hosting lunchtime in his classroom for special girls. I don't know what made him special. Playing with girls during recess. I. You know, that's one of those where it's just like, I don't even want to. To be honest, the only game I've never played with little girls in recess is dodgeball. Because then it's like punishing them, right? And then I do. You can't misconstrue what's going on at all. If I'm pelting a little girl full throttle with a dodgeball, no one thinks I'm trying to molest her. Definitely. Definitely not. Not the way I do it, because I cut out their legs. The key is the bowl underneath them. Cut out their legs, really mash them up, right? Just double down. Teach little girl. Just because you're a little girl doesn't mean you can't compete with a man. You got to get used to it, right? Then he said he would ask girls to sit on his lap. Completely inappropriate, Especially out of season. You got to be in costume for the season. So it's either Easter time as a bunny or Christmas time as a Santa. I don't know if there's any other holiday in which we are custom as a society, just sitting on a costume man's lap. I think largely it's Easter. Spider Man's birthday. I'm trying to think of another day. Lincoln's birthday. They don't do that anymore. No, you never see those guys anymore. I think it's just those two, really. But it's kind of funny, right? Where both of those. Even with the Easter. Even the Easter bunny thing, I don't particularly understand. I guess that's because he is a replacement for Jesus Christ. And you would sort of need to, like. I feel like that's the service that we were kind of leaving money on the table for, which is that Jesus can come. You could sit on Jesus's lap while he's slathered in blood like Jim Caviezel. Jesus fresh from the tomb. Because at that point, Jesus will do anything. Jesus will give you whatever he'll say whatever it takes to go back. They probably have that somewhere. Oh, yeah, they gotta have you sit on Jesus's life. Yeah. The only, only Jesus I'll sit on is if it's a black Jesus. Yeah. Wow. That's my controversial stance for today. One of many. He also tickled girls and he praised the looks of fourth graders. Now that's not good. So Andrew McCann, kind of a gross guy. They're pretty certain that we have this locked up. Obviously he is innocent until proven guilty, but it. Right now they're saying that there is DNA that ties him to the crime. They believe that there is. There's other witnesses. And now they're already attaching him to cold cases in other states, which, you know, cops love to do. So he is already getting. They think that he's been traveling around as a teacher quite a bit. He went from Oklahoma to Arkansas to Alabama. He went to all the. And he was doing all this stuff. So they think that he might be guilty of multiple crimes. And I brought this up last week about. I did not know that teachers had that sort of reputation in terms of being around people, but this is. I got this email from a teacher I wanted to read. I'm listening to this week's side stories and I thought it would echo Henry's comments about hearing educators saying that public education is rife with drifters, sketchy characters and general riff raff. I just got my license in my state. This is Minnesota, summer of 2024. So I'm fairly familiar with the arduous process. Every state is a little bit different and what they require for licensure. However, you don't need a license to work in a school, which is the truth. Because I was a substitute teacher, willy nilly. I was one. I thought that I heard that, yes. And I did the hundred dollars a day because it was the most money I could get guaranteed in a day. And so I would go and do it. And I remember it was Mrs. Zabrowski. I've told this story many times about how being in a first grade class and the kid in the front row, like just mimed a gun at me and went, anybody could be a teacher. And it's fair and it's not good in that way. Anybody with mostly clean black. But this is what she's saying here. This teacher, no convicted felonies, technically, mostly clean background checks. So you just have to not be caught for any specific crime outside of that. Substitutes just need a college degree and a short call, long call sub license, which is What I got relevant experience, they say in the content area that they are subbing for. I was never asked for that. I definitely had to teach a math class and I had no fucking clue what to do. I have a BA in theater. The only thing I can teach you how to do is how to scrape the last of your resin into a ball thick enough to smoke. That's all I could do. Enough. Kids love that rules and regulations are only as strong as the people who are enforcing them. According to this teacher. And I had an alarming experience on that front the first year I was teaching. Many states offer educator licenses in a tiered system in order to capitalize on students in teacher prep programs. There is a teacher shortage after all. I was on a low tier license, college degree in content area or relevant experience in the field. And being currently enrolled in teacher prep. I just landed my first job in the largest district in our state. You can only apply for this license once you get a job offer and then your school district is supposed to sponsor you through the process. Well, I managed to work for almost an entire year without the relevant license documents or paper trail on file with the state and the district. No transcripts from school, no verification. I was in a program, no fingerprinting or temp issued license. I don't even know for sure that they ran a background check. And I only found out when I was chatting with some friends in my my cohorts, right, who had some who had the same license in theory, not practice as it turns out. And their experience, quote unquote getting it was wildly different from mine. So they had to send in. Apparently one of them had a mail in their fingerprint somewhere and they said no one asked me for any of that shit. It's all completely deregulated. I vaguely remember receiving an email from somebody in the district six or so weeks into my contract asking me about a file number or something, to which I said, I don't have that. They said, oh, that's a problem. You can't be teaching unless you do have that. I will inform your principal. Then I never heard about it again. And I quit at the end of the year, so it became irrelevant. So it's basically saying there's no follow up. So I'm not trying to get people scared. I feel like we're already having a lot of people attack the department of Education enough. So I do understand that. It's just wild to think that anybody can do anything. When Marcus was going through his long Covid, how many Covid nurses I met that said they did not believe in Covid that it existed is wild to me. And they just seem to be doing it to get out of whatever horrible town they were in to go fuck in Indianapolis. All of these Covid nurses were just out there and sucking their way across the country, God bless them. Somebody's got to keep our truckers tight and ready to go. So today it's just me, but I'm gonna bring some guests in. Maybe. You see here. This is my extra large bathing suit that Ed bought me that he thought that we'd look good together in. And we didn't bring it together. There was a. There was a pool at the hotel, but we didn't get use it a. And it's so hard because this does make me miss Ed because it makes me think of his lower half. And that was his best half, cuz his top half makes all the jokes that make me angry. He's still alive. We'll see, won't we? Please give your memorial fund to themo it Henry Dash Zabowski, if you could. Some of us are struggling. So now it's time. For our first guest, I'm going to bring in a highly notable woman. Yes, a woman. She is both my lover, my business partner, and my main disciplinarian, Natalie Jean of someplace underneath an LPN romantasy from your grave. Hey, how you doing? I see you sitting there, hot, sweaty, your belly button just filling up with your own perspiration. You got to take care of yourself. Turn on the ac. You're trying to save that money. I know what you're doing. Running the AC all summer, it gets expensive. But that's not where you need to start cutting your finances. You got to be good to yourself. There's other places you could find this money. And you know who's going to help you? Rocket Money. They want you cool. They want that AC on. They want you to sleep. No more asking your wife. Hey, can I get some of that fan? Can I please borrow the fan, please? Because you don't have to. Because you're putting the whole AC on and the whole house. Because Rocket Money has saved money for you. Because they found all those subscriptions that you're paying for that you don't even use. You hate it. And you're cutting out air conditioning. You need that air conditioning. You're a sweaty mess. Look at you. You can't go out in public looking like that. You get out of the shower and you got to jump right back in. It ain't worth it. Skip Rocket Money. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to rocket money.com lpotl today that's rocketmoney.com lpotl rocketmoney.com lpotl be good to yourself. You deserve it.
- [28:09]
Jake Young
Eddie Murphy and Pete Davidson's worst day on the job is your best night in the pickup brings the action, hilarious laughs and it's streaming now on Prime Video. Eddie Murphy and Pete Davidson star as Russell and Travis, two armored truck drivers thrown into absolute madness after what was to supposed supposed to be a routine cash run. They're ambushed by a gang of criminals led by Zoey, played flawlessly by Keke Palmer. And from there it's nothing but twists, trouble and top tier chemistry. Directed by Tim Storey, the pickup serves action, laughs and the kind of mess you'll want to rewind. It's fast paced, hilarious and a total thrill ride from start to finish. Expect wild detours, explosive setups, and the kind of chaos you can't look away from. If you're into unpredictable pairings and big summer energy, this is your movie. Watch the pickup now only on Prime Video.
- [29:02]
Henry Zabrowski
This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Whether you're just starting out or scaling your business, Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. And I will not be destroyed by these children that keep purchasing my businesses. Yes, I have lost horsepix.com and yes, currently I am in for some form of Ted a Tet with Putin's daughter who purchased Umu paintings.com so now I'm the man alone who's decided I'm out of the sales business. Yeah, I'm starting a new website. It's called Henry Zabrowski's Feet.com and that's because I'm sick of Wikipedia going out there and slandering my good name on my feet. All right? My feet are good and this is all I have. So you need to support me and Squarespace. Squarespace makes it all possible. It makes a podcast possible. Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid. Squarespace domains make it easier to find the best name for your business at one fair, all inclusive price. No hidden fees or add ons required. Head to squarespace.com left for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, use offer code ELLIEEFT to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain. Now I'm here with Natalie Jean. Now I want you to first explain why you're crying because you came in here. You look like you've been crying and I didn't make you cry.
- [30:30]
Natalie Jean
It's stupid.
- [30:32]
Henry Zabrowski
Stupid.
- [30:32]
Natalie Jean
TikTok. This is not. It's nonsense. There's no reason I should be laughing.
- [30:36]
Henry Zabrowski
This hard going to look at it. There's a tick tock. Natalie was laughing at before. I get jealous. I get jealous when she laughs at people. So they're in a pool and they're just walking around a giant keg. There's a jetpack man just spraying everything with water. It is very ostentatious. And he is very stupid. It's very, very stupid.
- [31:06]
Natalie Jean
This guy was the guy in the background just on the jetpack.
- [31:09]
Henry Zabrowski
I mean, he was a part. I believe he was paid to be a part of this.
- [31:11]
Natalie Jean
He was.
- [31:12]
Henry Zabrowski
Yeah, yeah. They're just spraying water over all of it. I think the guy in the jetpack is the one singing.
- [31:16]
Natalie Jean
Why are they in the water with their. Why is there cake in the water?
- [31:20]
Henry Zabrowski
I think that this is very. Is this Dubai?
- [31:22]
Natalie Jean
There's a dolphin or a penguin. There's a penguin barfing water.
- [31:26]
Henry Zabrowski
This is what you want to do? Is this how you want to renew our vows? Where is that located?
- [31:31]
Natalie Jean
Oh, baby, we can't afford that wedding. That is definitely. That's definitely some sort of like Middle Eastern royalty or something.
- [31:37]
Henry Zabrowski
Hey, that's where we got to go. That's why we never should have said no to that Saudi Arabian comedy festival money. We should have just went. But don't worry, Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee got it covered. They're gonna go perform directly for the salt to Saudi Arabia. They did 911 true. Hell yeah. They did 9 11. Have fun. Whole comedy festival. We going.
- [31:59]
Natalie Jean
I just want to be asked.
- [32:00]
Henry Zabrowski
I know. Me same. I just want to be able to say no.
- [32:02]
Natalie Jean
And then I go. I don't want to go anywhere where they would. I would be invited.
- [32:06]
Henry Zabrowski
I can't even believe that you would ask me. Yeah, it's what I want. I just want the opportunity to be above it.
- [32:11]
Natalie Jean
Yeah. So I can feel self righteous always.
- [32:13]
Henry Zabrowski
That's all I'm looking.
- [32:14]
Natalie Jean
That's all I want.
- [32:15]
Henry Zabrowski
So, Natalie, welcome. You run a show called Someplace Underneath. You also run a show called LPN Romantasy.
- [32:23]
Natalie Jean
Yeah.
- [32:23]
Henry Zabrowski
How does it feel being here? Yeah.
- [32:27]
Natalie Jean
With you with the hot. Every single day, all day.
- [32:30]
Henry Zabrowski
The hot center of the talent pool here at Last Podcast Network.
- [32:34]
Natalie Jean
Well, I do think that there's hot talent at Last podcast Network.
- [32:38]
Henry Zabrowski
Physically warm.
- [32:39]
Natalie Jean
But I physically really don't have a lot of choice.
- [32:44]
Henry Zabrowski
That's What I like to hear.
- [32:45]
Natalie Jean
You know, it's like, I feel like this network, especially after Covid became the way sometimes a family has to all work at the same restaurant. Yeah, there was no. It was sort of like you want to keep.
- [33:00]
Henry Zabrowski
You want to make the soup. You.
- [33:03]
Natalie Jean
You have to go s. You have to go ask customers what they want and write it down. Then you have to do the accounting.
- [33:08]
Henry Zabrowski
Grandma, make a soap. You're not going to sell your soap. A grandma?
- [33:12]
Natalie Jean
Yeah. You're like the. The dad from Big Fat Greek Wedding.
- [33:15]
Henry Zabrowski
Yes. And I'm the. No, no. As well.
- [33:16]
Natalie Jean
And the Nona. You're. You're both.
- [33:18]
Henry Zabrowski
Yes. Well, that's why I have you here today. It's because I can do whatever I want to now. Give you anything. I can do anything I need to.
- [33:25]
Natalie Jean
It sounds a lot more sinister than.
- [33:27]
Henry Zabrowski
It's not sinister. Nothing. Nothing can be sinister from your husband's mouth.
- [33:31]
Natalie Jean
Oh, that's right.
- [33:32]
Henry Zabrowski
I'm your husband.
- [33:33]
Natalie Jean
I forgot.
- [33:34]
Henry Zabrowski
I'm your cherished partner.
- [33:37]
Natalie Jean
Everything is consens. Consensual in marriage after that first day.
- [33:42]
Henry Zabrowski
But this is the most consensual of all. It's called making the show. So welcome.
- [33:47]
Natalie Jean
Making art together.
- [33:49]
Henry Zabrowski
So I have a story for you for side stories that I actually. This is not disgusting at all. This is actually kind of surprising to me. I have never heard anything about this, and I just wondered, I don't know, if you've ever heard anything about this. I'm going to bring this back up to Eddie, too.
- [34:03]
Natalie Jean
Is it going to be gross?
- [34:04]
Henry Zabrowski
No.
- [34:05]
Natalie Jean
Oh, that's nice.
- [34:06]
Henry Zabrowski
This is not gross. I actually just thought that this was quite mysterious and very interesting. I've now seen two separate articles, but that's it. There's no YouTube documentaries. There's no other coverage. I don't know if you maybe even want. You might even want to look it up on Tik Tok while we're sitting here, because I have no clue. So this takes place out of St. Petersburg, Florida. Oh, so that's where we got married. And that's where our love was born.
- [34:28]
Natalie Jean
O.J. simpson's favorite hangout.
- [34:30]
Henry Zabrowski
Yes. And honestly, what I wouldn't have given to have gotten a picture with OJ Simpson on our wedding.
- [34:34]
Natalie Jean
No, I told you that would have been an annulment.
- [34:37]
Henry Zabrowski
Did I tell that story? I must have told the story in the air. I think you did right. I think you did definitely right about that. So that. Yeah, we just found out that the. The very lovely hotel that Natalie and I had booked for our romantic Night of our wedding was also OJ's favorite hotel. And he got. He loved the blonde women in the rooftop bar. He had a type. He really did. Yeah, he really did. Yeah. It was an alive women. Then he turned him different.
- [35:05]
Natalie Jean
Yeah.
- [35:05]
Henry Zabrowski
So. But that wasn't the only thrill that came out of St. Petersburg. The mini lights come out of St. Petersburg as well. Now, the reason why I'm bringing this up is that this is so eerily similar to Pennywise that I wonder if anybody, if Stephen King had heard about this previously or if our audience had ever heard of this before. Side stories. LPOTL gmail.com if you have, because this is the first time I'm ever hearing about this. So there is a belief, I guess, since about the 80s, that the. The. What they call the. The sort of like the quarries and the. The weird drought systems, like all these weird drainage pipe systems that lead from the swamp out into the city are filled with these little creatures called mini lights. And then if you go out at night in St. Petersburg, you might see them and they first start out like little sparkles. But then if you say the incantation, Mini lights. Mini lights come out tonight five times in a row, really, the little people will emerge and steal the children away.
- [36:14]
Natalie Jean
They don't want a better incantation. I feel like I'd be holding out for something better than that. They didn't write it as the glittery lights.
- [36:20]
Henry Zabrowski
Those are the people that's from. Now, this comes from the Tampa Bay Times. They just started writing this out.
- [36:25]
Natalie Jean
Is this a historical thing because you said Stephen King might have heard of it.
- [36:28]
Henry Zabrowski
Well, apparently, according to people interviewed by the Tampa Bay Times, a lot of them were called semi older. They're like, there's a folklore side of it that people were saying they're dealing with, with the crime inside of St. Pete, which is true. You know, St. Pete's got some. It's got some issues.
- [36:45]
Natalie Jean
Too hot.
- [36:45]
Henry Zabrowski
And also, every one of our favorite body cam videos almost always comes from Pinellas County.
- [36:50]
Natalie Jean
Oh, so many. So unbelievable.
- [36:52]
Henry Zabrowski
Really, so many. What's your favorite body cam video ever? Yeah. Wow.
- [36:57]
Natalie Jean
Oh, God.
- [36:59]
Henry Zabrowski
Oh.
- [37:00]
Natalie Jean
I mean, I can't think of one off the top of my head. It's usually the ones I watch is like, if it's a pedo getting tackled.
- [37:06]
Henry Zabrowski
That'S what you like. You like pedophiles can tackle. I like. Karen's at the airport getting.
- [37:10]
Natalie Jean
I mean, that's. That's fun too.
- [37:11]
Henry Zabrowski
Yeah. Now, remember the white lady with the super tight little. Like, she had like a Haircut. It made her look kind of like Brett Favre. And she took down the three guys, and she was like, I'm a CEO. I'm a CEO.
- [37:22]
Natalie Jean
Yes, I do vaguely remember that one, actually.
- [37:24]
Henry Zabrowski
Miss her. I love the Universal Studios body cam. Oh, definitely. Do you ever see the one with the brother and sister?
- [37:30]
Natalie Jean
Oh, yeah.
- [37:31]
Henry Zabrowski
Slammed up against the Minion house. The brother and sister made me feel almost jealous that Jackie and I have never been kicked out of Universal.
- [37:39]
Natalie Jean
Because you're not trying hard enough.
- [37:41]
Henry Zabrowski
You just very rarely see brother and sister team up to do crimes.
- [37:45]
Natalie Jean
Well, what's. What's the hold up?
- [37:47]
Henry Zabrowski
I don't know. Because normally brother and sister have crimes done against them.
- [37:51]
Natalie Jean
Against them? By whom?
- [37:53]
Henry Zabrowski
Father and mother.
- [37:54]
Natalie Jean
What?
- [37:54]
Henry Zabrowski
It's true. Most of the time, brother and sister are subject to the crimes of father and mother. You never really see brother and sister. Brother and brother sometimes kill, but very rarely brother.
- [38:04]
Natalie Jean
Well, there's famously one. I don't know what other ones you're talking about.
- [38:08]
Henry Zabrowski
There's been other brothers that have killed or other brothers that have killed will have either. I guess you could say the Amityville, the Defeo house. If you do believe that Ronnie Defeo had help from his other sister.
- [38:20]
Natalie Jean
I don't even know that theory.
- [38:21]
Henry Zabrowski
You know that theory that she might have been in on it, that the other sister might have been one of the people helping him. And that's why everything kind of went unnoticed. In the end, he turned on her and shot her.
- [38:30]
Natalie Jean
Oh, no. But what's the. Where's the proof of that? I just said, just having fun, Natalie. I just have fun with ideas.
- [38:36]
Henry Zabrowski
I don't think you understand. I just said no. Ronnie Defeo said that he could say anything. Of course. Yeah, he said a lot of stuff. That's why there's five. That's why there's 12 movies. They did great. Ronnie Defeo had a lot of great ideas.
- [38:51]
Natalie Jean
I don't know if he had the.
- [38:52]
Henry Zabrowski
Killing his family was one of the best things ever happened.
- [38:55]
Natalie Jean
Good pitch?
- [38:56]
Henry Zabrowski
Yeah.
- [38:56]
Natalie Jean
Yeah.
- [38:57]
Henry Zabrowski
You're. Hey, this is my show. You don't gotta worry about me.
- [39:01]
Natalie Jean
I never do. I never do.
- [39:03]
Henry Zabrowski
So according to the mini lights, this is in Campbell Park. Like, this reporter spoke to a lot of people. So most people who knew about the mini lights, they said they're from Gen X. Some versions of the legend dated back to the 1940s, and that's this, according to this man, a guy named Denny Smarrow, he said he first heard about the mini lights when he was 10. I seen a lot of things coming up. As a child, he said, I seen a small creature and it was like floating and I don't know what it was. And I never did go back and tell anybody about it. And then she, Alexis Walker says, absolutely, she knew exactly what the reporter was talking about because she said that she grew up near Booker Creek and was forbidden to go down there because, quote, the many people will jump out and they will chase you. Did her children know the lesson? This is from this woman. She said, well, the younger ones don't, but my 11 and 13 year old boys do. They want to go find them.
- [39:59]
Natalie Jean
Is okay. I think it's great. I love it. I do wonder, is this just probably something to do with some runoff from some chemical plant?
- [40:10]
Henry Zabrowski
I mean, who knows?
- [40:11]
Natalie Jean
They have to make into like a whimsical experience instead of telling people. It's like there's on.
- [40:16]
Henry Zabrowski
This is apparently on Urban Legends of Florida.
- [40:18]
Natalie Jean
I love it.
- [40:19]
Henry Zabrowski
Right. Several people, they, they talked about the story. One described a woman who lived in Campbell park in a nice house because they say that the mini lights used to be the subjects of a local witch that were slowly but surely turned into spirits like Ursula's poor unfortunate souls, right? So they become weird spirits, right? They, they described a woman who lived in Campbell park, right, in a nice house, but the city turned land in front of her home into a park. And she was angry. She was somehow affiliated with the circus and had little, little people living with her. Two would send out after dusk to ward off trespassers. In this story, the men would turn into balls of light. Right. Other posts say that the mini lights lived under the bridge at Booker Creek in the Roser park neighborhood.
- [41:04]
Natalie Jean
This does sound like something that, you know, Tylenol Corporation would plant as a mythology as to why there's like bad radiation in the water.
- [41:17]
Henry Zabrowski
But this is before it was fully developed. St. Petersburg was not developed, as developed as we've seen it.
- [41:23]
Natalie Jean
You don't think they got a bunch of runoff from somewhere?
- [41:25]
Henry Zabrowski
Who knows? Not maybe not at that time, right. So we have another guys, the Vitali brothers. This group is like the Johnny and Paul. They're muralists. They're trying to make a movie about the many lights. I believe I saw a chunk of that movie. It's not good. And they said it's gonna be told.
- [41:38]
Natalie Jean
In sort of an entire movie.
- [41:40]
Henry Zabrowski
It's not good film though. It's not their fault. But it's still, it still was under their control. And there's another version of the story that the Woman was a voodoo priestess and the mini lights were under her controls. And they called her, back in the day, mini lightning. Oh, mini lightning.
- [41:58]
Natalie Jean
Yeah. A little. Little sprinkle of racism in there.
- [42:01]
Henry Zabrowski
No, I mean, I don't know. We don't know you.
- [42:02]
Natalie Jean
Not you, babe. No, never you.
- [42:04]
Henry Zabrowski
Both of the people that are talking about this are of African American descent.
- [42:08]
Natalie Jean
Good, great.
- [42:09]
Henry Zabrowski
Seems to mostly be within the African American community. There was another one. Many lights. Many lights in Roser park. This is from 2017. So one article, this article I'm referencing, this came out last week, but then the last time this was mentioned was like eight years ago that I could find. And they're all saying this. That this was a deeply embedded story within the African American population of St. Pete. And they've all talked about this idea of these. These bridges, these. This is literally right by where we were. I don't know if you recognize these areas. This like little drainage pit?
- [42:41]
Natalie Jean
No. Is that what those are? Is it like. Do they fill up like in LA occasionally?
- [42:46]
Henry Zabrowski
Like water runoffs? I'm pretty certain this is. Yes.
- [42:49]
Natalie Jean
There's like a lot of swamp. Ish area.
- [42:52]
Henry Zabrowski
It's underwater. Florida's gonna go away. Yeah, Florida's not. Florida's gonna be the first.
- [42:56]
Natalie Jean
Unbelievable how wet the air is. It's wet. It's damp to the touch.
- [43:01]
Henry Zabrowski
Oh, yeah.
- [43:02]
Natalie Jean
How does water. How does air become so thick?
- [43:05]
Henry Zabrowski
It cools down, becomes water. Oh, that's what clouds are.
- [43:10]
Natalie Jean
Thanks, husband.
- [43:12]
Henry Zabrowski
I'll tell you a lot of other things later. Wife. Okay, so someone says you put a good. Can't see if you say it three times. Many lights. Mini lights come out tonight. Three times. The minis will come. And there are grown men, according this article, that are still scared.
- [43:28]
Natalie Jean
I love a forest witch myth. Or I mean real.
- [43:33]
Henry Zabrowski
You seem to be, but I will say very true. But this is the type of story that I would consider you to really believe in. And what you don't seem to, I want to believe.
- [43:45]
Natalie Jean
Like that show. I love it. I love. I love the idea of it. But I'm not necessarily super intrigued by just this idea.
- [44:00]
Henry Zabrowski
But this is also very interesting. This reporter lived in St. Peteria up to that point. Had never heard of it. Right. Had never talked about this. And then one night was walking his dog with his girlfriend. And in as that connected to what they were doing because no one knew who they were. A group of teenagers stopped their car as they were walking and said, many lights. Many lights come out tonight at them. And they were like, looked at them and they were like, do you know what we're talking about? And the reporter was like, actually, I do. And then they drove off.
- [44:34]
Jake Young
Wow.
- [44:35]
Henry Zabrowski
Yeah. So they're still trying to scare white people out of there.
- [44:38]
Natalie Jean
I mean, I think that's super fun.
- [44:40]
Henry Zabrowski
I like that idea. I will say that that might be the key here, which is trying to keep it from getting as gentrified as it did. Unfortunately, work. Little.
- [44:49]
Natalie Jean
Little white kids on YouTube are gonna eat that up.
- [44:52]
Henry Zabrowski
Oh, yes, it looks like it. This goes back pretty far into the past as an urban legend that parents used to tell their kids so that they would get home before it got dark. Well, they've been saying that for forever, Right? And then they also do point out in this article that St. Petersburg is one of the largest alligator farming cities in America. And that around this time, a lot of people were bringing baby alligators home and releasing them in those waterways. And if you are in Florida at all at night and you are on the coastline or if you're by the swamp, it is true, you do sometimes look out there and you see the little points of light. Well, that sounds like. Yes. So it's very possible that everything always becomes gators. Yeah, because they're fucking dinosaurs that they live next to. So, yeah, I think that that should always be the culprit because it's a fucking barely evolved killing machine that everybody's just fine with.
- [45:44]
Natalie Jean
Technically a lot scarier than little sprinkly lights that we don't know about.
- [45:47]
Henry Zabrowski
Unless the aliens. Because then.
- [45:49]
Natalie Jean
Is that what you think?
- [45:50]
Henry Zabrowski
Yeah. I also saw this other. This also came from Florida. Was a video of aliens. Oh, I forgot to show this to you, Rob. It's aliens. Send it to me. Not this one. This is a guy who won't wipe. Here's another guy from Tampa.
- [46:06]
Natalie Jean
Thanks for not giving me that one.
- [46:10]
Henry Zabrowski
My name is JT Dog. I'm out in front of Bush Gardens. I didn't wipe. I didn't fath. I remember last time I any of that.
- [46:19]
Natalie Jean
You did play the no wiping one.
- [46:22]
Henry Zabrowski
Yeah. Get stinky up in Bush Gardens, man. Stank your tongue. That's the other video I sent in. Stanky up in here.
- [46:34]
Natalie Jean
My only. It was my only ask. As. As. As your bride. Don't bring me the butt ones.
- [46:40]
Henry Zabrowski
Well, Natalie doesn't. I'm just sending this to you on Instagram, Rob. Okay, Just. Oh, never mind. No, this is California. The other one was Florida. The other one was Florida. I love that guy. He doesn't wipe. Yeah, no, that other guy says he doesn't bath and doesn't wipe and he drinks nothing but hard lemonade. Then he's so itchy, he gets the whole thing is he gets stanked up on places and he tries to stank up places and he gets thrown out for being too stinky.
- [47:06]
Natalie Jean
So he intent. He wants to be stinky.
- [47:08]
Henry Zabrowski
That's his bit.
- [47:09]
Natalie Jean
That's a bit.
- [47:10]
Henry Zabrowski
Well, yeah, according to him, he might be mental illness.
- [47:12]
Natalie Jean
Might be a little bit of a lifestyle choice.
- [47:14]
Henry Zabrowski
He's stanked up.
- [47:15]
Natalie Jean
Yeah.
- [47:16]
Henry Zabrowski
Hey, not me.
- [47:17]
Natalie Jean
He's. He's finding his stinky princess.
- [47:19]
Henry Zabrowski
I'm anti stink. I smell good, y'. All.
- [47:23]
Natalie Jean
You do smell good.
- [47:24]
Henry Zabrowski
Yeah.
- [47:24]
Natalie Jean
You ain't smelly.
- [47:25]
Henry Zabrowski
Yeah, I clean. So I guess in the very end, you're not really going to edify this, are you?
- [47:33]
Natalie Jean
Do you want me to?
- [47:34]
Henry Zabrowski
Yes.
- [47:36]
Natalie Jean
Edify it as in an Ed Larson.
- [47:38]
Henry Zabrowski
No. Yeah. Yeah, that's perfect. No saying it's true. You gotta say it's true.
- [47:44]
Natalie Jean
I. I gotta say it's true, do I? Don't say it's not true.
- [47:50]
Henry Zabrowski
Perfect.
- [47:51]
Natalie Jean
Yeah.
- [47:52]
Henry Zabrowski
Thank you, Natalie Jean, for being here for today's story with you. Go and listen to Someplace Underneath, one of the best shows we have on this network. It's about LDS crimes. Right now.
- [48:03]
Natalie Jean
Yeah, almost done.
- [48:04]
Henry Zabrowski
Almost done.
- [48:04]
Natalie Jean
Episode 41 is where we are finishing this season, which is.
- [48:09]
Henry Zabrowski
It's very insane. That's very, very thick. You've done a lot of work, and you've done a lot of great work.
- [48:13]
Natalie Jean
Oh, thanks. I got class.
- [48:14]
Henry Zabrowski
There you go. Yeah. Really good. And then I'll check out LPN Romantasy. But I can't talk about all those sex stuff with you. With my sister.
- [48:21]
Natalie Jean
No, I would prefer that to not.
- [48:23]
Henry Zabrowski
Be the way I talk about it with you all day.
- [48:25]
Natalie Jean
You give the.
- [48:27]
Henry Zabrowski
Give the audience a thrill to the head. Tell them what it's like to rock it in bed with me.
- [48:32]
Natalie Jean
No, absolutely not.
- [48:35]
Henry Zabrowski
That was your opportunity. It's pretty great what I do in there. It's pretty great. I love you.
- [48:45]
Natalie Jean
Goodbye.
- [48:49]
Henry Zabrowski
From your grave. First of all, Jake Young is here sitting with me from Nerd of mouth. His own YouTube channels. His Twitch channel. You. If you want to toss out your Twitch channel.
- [49:02]
Ed Larson
Oh, I do. I have a vtuber avatar. Are you familiar, Henry?
- [49:06]
Henry Zabrowski
I am.
- [49:06]
Ed Larson
You are from. Do you want one? We can make it happen.
- [49:08]
Henry Zabrowski
I've asked for it, but it's difficult. It's difficult to do.
- [49:12]
Ed Larson
No, no, it's fine. It's fine. I'll slap one together for anyway Twitch TV puppet Jared. On Thursday nights, we watch Weird Bad cartoons and have a blast. But check that out. Also nerd of mouth.
- [49:21]
Henry Zabrowski
Like you said, Jake, Ashley Biden's getting divorced.
- [49:26]
Ed Larson
Which Biden is Ashley?
- [49:28]
Henry Zabrowski
She's the, I want to say she was purchased from the Chinese. No, she's natural born.
- [49:35]
Ed Larson
Oh.
- [49:36]
Henry Zabrowski
One of the Bidens just got divorced. Is breaking news and I need your first report on does. How does this reflect upon the Biden legacy?
- [49:45]
Ed Larson
As long as she doesn't just like actively make everything worse forever, she's a net positive.
- [49:53]
Henry Zabrowski
Hey, did you watch the Hunter foreign report?
- [49:55]
Ed Larson
Check it out.
- [49:56]
Henry Zabrowski
Yeah, go check it out if you. Did you watch that Hudner Biden thing?
- [49:59]
Ed Larson
I saw clips of it and honestly it was refreshing because like your, your mental image of Hunter Biden is just like. You just hear the stories. You hear about the crack and the prostitutes and the dick pics and the.
- [50:10]
Henry Zabrowski
Weird music joints and then you meet him and he tells all the same stories. Yeah, that's the best part.
- [50:15]
Ed Larson
But coherently, like a person, not like this weird cloud of like, I just, you know, cigarette hanging out of the mouth is like, like you just explained. Expect this like jelly, like fool. Yeah, but the fact that he just has like eyeballs and an actual voice was disconcerting.
- [50:33]
Henry Zabrowski
He's my favorite presidential son ever. He's my favorite. And no one's ever made me want to try crack more. Just hearing him talk about crack and how, you know what it was too when he was on crack. He has the single best smile I've seen on a crackhead like his. That's that $10,000 smile he had with that, with the fucking full on crack pipe. He's like, like he looked amazing.
- [51:01]
Ed Larson
How are you doubting that crack isn't fucking amazing?
- [51:03]
Henry Zabrowski
I just, I did, yes, I knew it was amazing, but when I saw that it, it's so good that a presidential son had to go figure out how to cook it in order to get it. Because it's like a president's son doesn't have to do anything. They don't do anything.
- [51:18]
Ed Larson
That's the point of crack. But I'm saying a crack is the point. Like the most dizzying pleasure, the most intense joy, like, I don't know, like fucking winning the Olympics and then being handed your newborn son.
- [51:30]
Henry Zabrowski
Cracks better. Literally.
- [51:32]
Ed Larson
Like your brain is only supposed to feel like it can only produce so much joy.
- [51:37]
Henry Zabrowski
Crack better than winning a Nobel Peace Prize.
- [51:40]
Ed Larson
Crack is better than winning the lottery and having your dad say he's sorry.
- [51:45]
Henry Zabrowski
Cracks great. And that's it. Also realize too about that you could Dip in and dip out. Except Hunter Biden did say that was kind of very interesting that I didn't know that term. I think he said, it's like euphoric bounce back. There was like, a term that he used that he's like, I. In my program. I. He's like, I. I wish I could give you fun, cracked stories. But he said, but if I begin to recount how much I love crack, I will just start smoking crack again. I was like, cracks, great.
- [52:16]
Ed Larson
I feel this. So the same phenomenon you're talking about, I feel about Diet Coke.
- [52:21]
Henry Zabrowski
Yeah.
- [52:22]
Ed Larson
So, like, what the am I, like, it'll destroy me.
- [52:24]
Henry Zabrowski
Coke heavy. Have you ever dallied back into a. You know what I had the other day? It's been so long. This is how sad my life is. I had a full sugar, Saint doctor Pepper and cream soda combo one. And I thought I was gonna come. I was like, that's crack. Like, that's amazing. I have. That's how sad and empty my fucking experience.
- [52:45]
Ed Larson
No, that's why you can't do crack, because it's like you're just the baseline. Joys are already too much. Yeah, dude, we weren't built to handle super joy. No omega level joy.
- [52:58]
Henry Zabrowski
Or should we all be on crack? Would we equalize?
- [53:01]
Ed Larson
So I always wondered about this, and this is such a stupid stoner thought, and I'm sure anybody with actual knowledge would be like, fudge. No, you fucking idiot. Yeah, but, like, in a world where coffee was illegal or even caffeine was illegal, would I, like, drink a cup of coffee and feel that deliriously happy for the first time? And now that it's just, like, a part of my daily routine and it's available everywhere.
- [53:23]
Henry Zabrowski
Oh, yeah, you're just built.
- [53:25]
Ed Larson
It's just. Just fine. So, like, if they had if crack, what if I could go to my local star crack and get a cracky auto? Like, would it be fine? Would it just be buzzing and, like, you know, just feeling my thing?
- [53:35]
Henry Zabrowski
Portland's got some great crack lattes that you can really try out. You just have the crunch room. That's the hardest part. Oh, great. Rob just found a bunch of Etsy stores that just have shirt. Just shirts. It says, I heart crack whores and I heart crack. What a great. I know what everybody's getting for Christmas this year. All right, so I got a story for you.
- [54:00]
Ed Larson
Oh, the Biden thing was.
- [54:01]
Henry Zabrowski
No, that was just.
- [54:03]
Ed Larson
Oh, my God. I just heard.
- [54:06]
Henry Zabrowski
Breaking news. Love isn't real. So this is a story I want to read from the perspective of a. Like, imagine I am a nighttime anchor and you are my. Well, you know, you're my CNN correspondent.
- [54:23]
Ed Larson
So I do I get like a smart board? Can I harry ent in this?
- [54:26]
Henry Zabrowski
Yes.
- [54:27]
Ed Larson
Okay.
- [54:27]
Henry Zabrowski
I mean, it won't show up, but this comes from law and crime. A Texas man is facing criminal charges for allegedly confronting two young girls in an elementary school parking lot wearing a diaper with a pacifier around his neck and nothing else, while allegedly shouting, goo Goo Gaga, I need a diaper change. Now. This young man, if you could see right here, has got bright ideas. This wonderful up and comer is just life ahead of him. He couldn't be more innocent. If you ask me, the girls were frightened. And he said accordingly. After they said, no, please leave us alone. He followed up with a, will you change my diaper for me, Goo Goo Gaga. I need a diaper change now. My thing is chair, okay? The chair. You wanted to have the chair. You want to bring the electric chair.
- [55:22]
Ed Larson
We have to create a world in which we can just like let children, let girls exist in the world without having to be like, all right, now listen, there might be some diaper guys and you're just going to have to learn, like, I don't want to give my future, like nieces the fucking diaper guy talk.
- [55:40]
Henry Zabrowski
To be honest, I think some full grown men seem need to be warned about the diaper guy. I could be warned. So it says, court.
- [55:47]
Ed Larson
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. We are at this point in our lives, we are fully in the diaper guy demographic.
- [55:53]
Henry Zabrowski
Oh, I was joking over the weekend of how my age. When you're like, so now I'm 41. I'm now fully in the the man category. Such as, like, don't touch the man. Get away from the man. The man get. Don't get out of the man's way. Like, that's what mothers say to children. They're visibly frightened of me just by my presence. And they go like, get away from the man. That's me. I'm the man.
- [56:17]
Ed Larson
Honestly, I'm gonna, I'm gonna say this. Fuck this guy. Fuck diaper man. I am a, I am a disheveled, schlubby bald man. Yes, I am middle aged, schlubby bald man. Whenever there is something going on, I have to be like, am I giving off weird vibes? Am I like being gross? Am I like. And it is something I have to think about because, like, these fucking dudes are ruin it for, for the, for.
- [56:39]
Henry Zabrowski
The innocent schlubs no, Jake, just because the side stories come with me on this.
- [56:44]
Ed Larson
I'll come with you anytime.
- [56:47]
Henry Zabrowski
Thank God.
- [56:48]
Ed Larson
Side stories at lpntv.
- [56:53]
Henry Zabrowski
Let's just say, what if we're wrong? And maybe it's about embracing another side of yourself and that maybe you're afraid to be the goo goo ga ga big baby diaper field baby that you want to be. And that maybe this guy's figured something out because, I mean, obviously he's been arrested for multiple times for stalking and for following children home from school and for having his waiting. Probably.
- [57:20]
Ed Larson
This needs to happen at elementary school.
- [57:21]
Henry Zabrowski
Yeah. I'm just saying he. He got caught. He said one time he was caught, they said it was for Ludin. Lascivious behavior in front of a school. And he said he was just checking to see if his diaper was full. And I think that in many ways that's understandable, especially when you're a baby man on the go. Especially if you have several jobs. Let's say you're a baby CEO or you're a baby.
- [57:43]
Ed Larson
A boss baby.
- [57:44]
Henry Zabrowski
Yeah. Yes. Or a postal worker baby. A male baby. Or you're some kind of. Oh, look at that young man. Look at that young man being escorted from the. From the jail. Now. You know, why is he.
- [57:59]
Ed Larson
Why does he look like you just, like, took the word depression and made it into a man?
- [58:03]
Henry Zabrowski
It's because he is an undiapered diaper band. And that when he doesn't have his diaper on him and he's going, goo goo gaga, I need a diaper change. He's fairly serious. You know, I. Because we know. You know, I'm certain, because we're all that. We have been around the adult baby diaper lover community for quite a long time. We know that the adult baby diaper lover community doesn't like these type of people. And I think partially part of the problem is. Is not being in character of the being a baby. I think that if you approach somebody in an adult manner and say something along the lines of, goo goo Gaga, I had a full diaper, or Goo Goo Gaga, baby wants some milk. And you say it in that way. It's not this. Hello there.
- [58:51]
Ed Larson
Pardon me. I know this is weird, but I need to get to the bus that's coming and joining me anyway. Goo goo Gaga. I am a baby. Could you please stand to me?
- [59:00]
Henry Zabrowski
Oh, absolutely. Me, your mommy and me want to make sure baby dries.
- [59:04]
Ed Larson
Oh, thank you. Oh, bro, thank you so much.
- [59:06]
Henry Zabrowski
I'm sorry, Mommy.
- [59:08]
Ed Larson
Thank you. Thank you.
- [59:10]
Henry Zabrowski
Mommy.
- [59:12]
Ed Larson
I feel like you really did me a solid. Mommy.
- [59:14]
Henry Zabrowski
Well, it looks like you did me more of a liquid. Yes. No, I wish that because partially it's about. I think it's almost like kayfabe. It's about staying in character. If you're a baby, then be a baby. Don't be a man acting like a baby. Like, in order for me to change.
- [59:42]
Ed Larson
You'Re saying if he had crawled to the elementary school.
- [59:44]
Henry Zabrowski
I am not even joking. If he was fully joking a little. If he was fully. As a baby, we'd all be forced. This is the ACLU matter. You know what I mean? If he. This is. If he's actually a baby in his mind, then it's an expression of something within.
- [60:09]
Ed Larson
I feel like. And this is. I'm gonna be real with you. If we allow for just like some people to just be like, I am a baby. I am a baby now. You're just gonna have people check out of just the fucking capitalist hellscape.
- [60:26]
Henry Zabrowski
We do have it. We do have that. There are adult baby diaper lover, like completely like innocent crews where they go and they just have baby. They go to. They live in a monthly baby.
- [60:35]
Ed Larson
You're still consending adults being babies and confined allow. And obviously, yes, of course, in an adult consenting place, you can be as baby as you want.
- [60:44]
Henry Zabrowski
Because they're babies, though.
- [60:46]
Ed Larson
No, they had to purchase cruise tickets and they had to pay taxes and they had to.
- [60:50]
Henry Zabrowski
When they were in a baby. And then one day when they arrive and they don the diaper and are now baby and they're. Oh, you're trying to leave.
- [61:02]
Ed Larson
No, no, I just feel like a dipshit. I just feel like history's greatest monster baby.
- [61:08]
Henry Zabrowski
If. Baby. Like, I guess that's the thing is that if you just are. If you're. Because, you know, Colbert always said where your. Your character is light as a cap. I think if you're a baby and you want other people to treat you as such, it's got to be a bit heavier than that.
- [61:23]
Ed Larson
Honestly, I get. I get the vision that to gain the benefits of the baby, to be truly freed from the responsibilities, to like fully regress to a place where like even pooping is handled for you, you are. You are totally and completely innocent and taken care of and you are surrendering any and all adult faculties to live the baby life. There should be downsides.
- [61:49]
Henry Zabrowski
Exactly.
- [61:50]
Ed Larson
You are locked in.
- [61:51]
Henry Zabrowski
You're in a crib.
- [61:52]
Ed Larson
You are. Yeah, yeah, you're in a crib. You have a bedtime. You're like, oh, fuck, I got a big restriction. You're like, babies can't drive, babies can't talk.
- [62:00]
Henry Zabrowski
Baby. Yeah, you. I thought you were a baby. Because if not, I'm done cleaning up your fucking shit. Yeah. If you're not a fucking baby, if you're a man, then you act like a goddamn man.
- [62:13]
Ed Larson
You don't get. Okay, okay. So it's the idea of just opting in and out that you get to freely between the world.
- [62:20]
Henry Zabrowski
Oh, you get to be some day walker. Yeah, that's what this is. You're a man Walker. They call themselves Littles. Yeah, I know the Littles thing. We've been through this many times before. I'm already gonna get the emails because I do understand. ABDL world is. That's fine. I do get that. It's like again, who doesn't get it?
- [62:38]
Ed Larson
For like, who doesn't get. Of course we get it. It's again, it's. It's not the baby thing. It's not the diaper thing. It's the fucking terrorizing elementary school kids.
- [62:46]
Henry Zabrowski
What I have said in here before.
- [62:48]
Ed Larson
Really the issue that we are.
- [62:50]
Henry Zabrowski
Yeah, of course. Yes, Jake, yes. So obviously yes. It's about.
- [62:54]
Ed Larson
It's about the children build just fucking. I just grab some loose gauge wire, plug it into a fucking metal folding chair and push him onto it.
- [63:03]
Henry Zabrowski
I completely agree. You know what it is too is that again, if you're adult baby diaper lover, I don't think that you should be arrested. I don't think it should be illegal. I don't think you should even be frowned upon. But it might be one should be.
- [63:16]
Ed Larson
Smiled at, maybe even cooed.
- [63:18]
Henry Zabrowski
I think it'd be one of those things you could maybe keep to yourself and maybe that. Maybe it's just. We'll all know by the crinkle, you know, like maybe we'll know it like how you. How they knew where Biden was in the White House by the sounds of the diaper. They were like. It was like his cat Bell. 93% of them are male. Yeah, obviously.
- [63:44]
Ed Larson
That is.
- [63:46]
Henry Zabrowski
Obviously God.
- [63:47]
Ed Larson
I always wonder about that is like outside of like material concerns, outside of like power dynamics or money. How many women are going around being like, I would love to clean an adult man's poop in a sexual manner. That is something I am electing to do from my own proclivities.
- [64:04]
Henry Zabrowski
Takes an angel.
- [64:06]
Ed Larson
That's a thing.
- [64:07]
Henry Zabrowski
A special angel.
- [64:07]
Ed Larson
That is someone doing you a favor. Oh, nobody is out there being like you met you, you know yeah.
- [64:14]
Henry Zabrowski
Side stories. LPOTL gmail.com please. And also if you find someone that's willing to wipe your dookie and fudgeing, help you clean all your pee pee off of you and powder you up and stuff, you act like a man for five minutes and you get that woman to marry you.
- [64:27]
Ed Larson
I feel like I've been all over the place, but I literally co host a retro nostalgia talk show. I understand the infinite desire to regress.
- [64:37]
Henry Zabrowski
Oh, I don't. That's me. I get the issue. It's really just the. It's this, it's the children and you know what? Again, it's the adult presentation. Goo Goo Gaga. I need a diaper change is again. Try harder. That's all I ask.
- [64:55]
Ed Larson
Yeah, yeah.
- [64:55]
Henry Zabrowski
Lie to me. Play a character. Jake, thank you so much for being here. This is absolutely perfect and I'm glad you came. Jake Young, host of Nerd of Mouth Check it out. Go check it out.
- [65:09]
Ed Larson
Now if, yeah, if you could be a little more adamant. If you could just really.
- [65:13]
Henry Zabrowski
No.
- [65:13]
Ed Larson
Yeah. Listen to him.
- [65:14]
Henry Zabrowski
Get your ass. Yes. Over the Nerd of Mouth. I'll set fire to your home.
- [65:20]
Ed Larson
I'll take it.
- [65:21]
Henry Zabrowski
Goo Goo Gaga flies from your grave. And now for our final guest, I'm sitting with comedian and restaurateur Grant Gordon.
- [65:32]
Grant Gordon
Hi. The restaurant's on fire. It's bad.
- [65:37]
Henry Zabrowski
Should not have left. No, he was a chef. There was a rush. It was just me. And now we have listener emails. Email time with Ed and Henry, your favorite guys with Ghost and Gotham to killer creams. Yeah. Oh yeah, email. How to love that sting. Stinger. I love that stinker. We're gonna have to eventually replace it, but all these cuz gonna give other people shots. God damn. I love that.
- [66:23]
Grant Gordon
That's what the Internet was supposed to be.
- [66:25]
Henry Zabrowski
God damn it. Really good. Really good. How you doing, buddy?
- [66:27]
Grant Gordon
I'm great. How are you?
- [66:29]
Henry Zabrowski
I'm fine.
- [66:31]
Grant Gordon
We'll talk later.
- [66:33]
Henry Zabrowski
I'm fine. Honestly, I feel really good. Good. I'm just tired. Yep. I've been having a lot of crazy extreme nightmares. Oh yeah? Yeah. Otherwise soon. Great.
- [66:42]
Grant Gordon
Is that par for the course?
- [66:44]
Henry Zabrowski
I guess, yeah.
- [66:44]
Grant Gordon
I mean extreme for you is. Must be really intense.
- [66:48]
Henry Zabrowski
You know, honestly, I don't have like horrific nightmares. Okay. I don't have horrific nightmares. Okay. They're always just like pretty standard. Sure. Who's angry? Everybody's angry at me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or like I'm trapped on the very top of a mountain and I can't get off of it. I'm. I'm literally like I have a reoccurring dream where I am the very, very top of the peak of a mountain. I'm grabbing around the cone of the very, very peak of a mountain and I'm stuck on it and I can't get off. See, I see.
- [67:15]
Grant Gordon
It's funny because I would see you as under a mountain of friends carrying them.
- [67:19]
Henry Zabrowski
No, no, no, that's different. That was what we were doing. All right, here we go. Let me give you. All right, so I'm going to read a couple of these emails and let's just go through them.
- [67:27]
Grant Gordon
Let's hear them. Let's hear the voice of the people.
- [67:29]
Henry Zabrowski
All right, so after mentioning that, it seemed like the people attached to the gun and cat listener emails. So I feel like this was. We've done a couple of these emails about bosses carrying guns.
- [67:41]
Grant Gordon
Sure.
- [67:42]
Henry Zabrowski
I like, it seemed way more like when we were younger, like I saw a lot more like my. The Hollywood video. The. The manager showed me where she kept the gun and I was 15 years old and I was like, I'm not gonna kill somebody for sweet home Alabama. You know what I mean? I don't care. They can have it. Yeah, yeah, sure. You know, so they didn't rewind.
- [68:04]
Grant Gordon
It's fine.
- [68:04]
Henry Zabrowski
Just fine. Yeah. All right, here we go. Now, when you work in a blue collar, right, primarily construction and H vac, you'd be surprised by how much time you have in your hands with waiting on parts, slowly building parts, and spending a full eight hours working on a unit that could have been completed in two. I used to work with a guy who would smoke an entire Blueberry Swisher blunt while actively trying to fix the unit outside. He got me high enough once that I essentially forgot how to put PVC pipe together. I was dead and fumbling around in the dark. I was so high around the time I worked with a man that we will call Billy, whose one love in life was crystal meth. He would be so excited when we forgot a piece of scrap metal that was needed for air duct, which meant that once he got there, he could rip two to three lines of meth. If he was really feeling it, he'd light that meth pipe right up and spend a good 45 minutes enjoying. One quote I remember vividly is him looking to me, you know you're a real man when you can't stop the tears after ripping a line of meth crystals. Have you ever done meth? No, I haven't.
- [69:06]
Grant Gordon
And I didn't know what made you so emotional.
- [69:07]
Henry Zabrowski
What's the most extreme drug you've ever done?
- [69:10]
Grant Gordon
The Toad Bufo.
- [69:12]
Henry Zabrowski
Oh, that's. We'll talk about this eventually. The guy who smoked weed all the time was fired. But he was a black man. But not Billy. Full country hick. Yeah, yeah. He can't get fired. Oh no. He kept his job and got a raise out of it. Billy was actually the most talented H VAC mechanic I've ever. No, he could have been a contender. So that's your show. Maybe. There's one point on board for meth. I always asked him how he was so large doing meth that often. He looked back to me, he looked at it to me and he state, you just gotta force yourself. There's nothing else to it. So he's saying he just would force himself to eat.
- [69:49]
Grant Gordon
That's incredible.
- [69:50]
Henry Zabrowski
It's huge. This guy had huge discipline.
- [69:52]
Grant Gordon
Yeah, I know that's not what you associate with addicts.
- [69:54]
Henry Zabrowski
Well, because I know people already that have eaten their way through their ozempic. Sure. A member of my family ate their way through two gastric bands, powered their way in the band just literally till it popped and then they ate the band. Dude, like I'm talking. I didn't know you could do that. That's strength. Nobody knows what that's like. Right. And as I was born in rural Mississippi, both of these people had a fully stocked and well regarded weapons collection. There was an entire different guy that I worked with that carried his gun everywhere with it always visible. He of course did not possess a concealed carry permit. We would at lunch and go get hammered before coming back to work. I'm 16 years old at this point. I like his first complaint was things.
- [70:34]
Grant Gordon
Take too long here.
- [70:35]
Henry Zabrowski
Yeah, you know, boy, we. It's a lot of time to kill, you know. What was. Are you maybe a part of the problem, buddy? What was bufo like? Now I've. I know people that have done ayahuasca. I know people that have done all the angel trumpets and angel trumpets. Yeah, but you went and did bufo. And then I remember you were saying something along the lines of that it made you not want to drink alcohol anymore, but you still drink.
- [71:01]
Grant Gordon
I did. I just went back.
- [71:03]
Henry Zabrowski
Yeah, but I didn't. I could have stopped.
- [71:04]
Grant Gordon
It gave me an off ramp for sure. Not that I have like a problem, but I could have stopped.
- [71:09]
Henry Zabrowski
Not that he has a problem.
- [71:10]
Grant Gordon
Okay. That's not. That's what people problem say.
- [71:11]
Henry Zabrowski
Not that he has a problem. What am I?
- [71:12]
Grant Gordon
Who am I?
- [71:13]
Henry Zabrowski
Billy?
- [71:13]
Grant Gordon
I am Billy. I can push through anything. Yeah, no, it was. I don't remember much of what happened except I faced the nexus of existence and non existence and I was a little bit afraid to not exist.
- [71:25]
Henry Zabrowski
That's really.
- [71:26]
Grant Gordon
And then I don't remember what happened then. I opened my eyes and felt like I was seeing God or I was full of God or something like that.
- [71:33]
Henry Zabrowski
Really?
- [71:33]
Grant Gordon
Yeah, yeah.
- [71:34]
Henry Zabrowski
Was it that. It was that powerful then?
- [71:36]
Grant Gordon
Yeah.
- [71:37]
Henry Zabrowski
And would you say that you. I mean, obviously. I mean, sincerity is the worst thing that we could probably do. Yeah.
- [71:42]
Grant Gordon
This not good for comedy, but also it.
- [71:43]
Henry Zabrowski
But I wonder, like, do you feel like it was real in that way?
- [71:47]
Grant Gordon
I'd say the most tangible thing that I can say to this day that I could take away from it. I am. I'm good around kids now.
- [71:55]
Henry Zabrowski
Kids you were worried about. Yeah, you were worried.
- [71:58]
Grant Gordon
I was worried about kids judging me all the time. I was like trying to like, perform well.
- [72:02]
Henry Zabrowski
Cause their kids are literally the most eviscerating critics of your entire life.
- [72:06]
Grant Gordon
And I was like bringing to a kid my shit of needing to be approved or something like that.
- [72:13]
Henry Zabrowski
I know exactly what you mean.
- [72:15]
Grant Gordon
I just say this as a canary in the coal mine of who knows what else it erased. But for me to be able to see a kid and just see play and jump on board and play with the kids, I'd say that's a. That's a tangible difference.
- [72:26]
Henry Zabrowski
I mean, you should probably know the kids. Yeah. I don't think it should be every patch of kids you see. I see a group of kids and boy, my leg starts to go and. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what do they. So they extract it from a frog or like they draw. Do they kill the frog?
- [72:46]
Grant Gordon
No, they. No, no, no. They milk the glands. The poison glands.
- [72:51]
Henry Zabrowski
Is it like it's tits?
- [72:53]
Grant Gordon
No, it's like it's balls. More like side balls, you know?
- [72:56]
Henry Zabrowski
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's bufo, the name of the. The substance.
- [72:59]
Grant Gordon
Bufo alvarilis is the name of the species of toad, I believe.
- [73:04]
Henry Zabrowski
Wow. Yes. And so what? The toads are just there.
- [73:08]
Grant Gordon
They're just there.
- [73:09]
Henry Zabrowski
Look at.
- [73:09]
Grant Gordon
There they are, man.
- [73:11]
Henry Zabrowski
Did you see any of the frogs?
- [73:13]
Grant Gordon
No, but, you know the lady, the, you know, who administered the frog milker? Yeah, she wasn't milking. No, no, no.
- [73:20]
Henry Zabrowski
She's like. No, no, no, no. We have somebody with.
- [73:22]
Grant Gordon
Yeah, yeah, Javier handles that. No, she was definitely.
- [73:25]
Henry Zabrowski
It was definitely like an LA experience. I was in Malibu. Oh, yeah, yeah, it was very nice. No, no, the buffoos that were there were there for Pilot Seats. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you need like a shaman or like someone to watch over you?
- [73:39]
Grant Gordon
Absolutely, yes. It should be a ceremony, it should be taken with respect and, and as a sort of medicinal, medicinal type energy I feel like is a must, honestly.
- [73:48]
Henry Zabrowski
That's, I mean. And a sacred, sacred space.
- [73:51]
Grant Gordon
They made. She made me, you know.
- [73:53]
Henry Zabrowski
She saged you.
- [73:53]
Grant Gordon
She made you like a kind of a. Kind of a prayer.
- [73:56]
Henry Zabrowski
Got it.
- [73:57]
Grant Gordon
You know, and then you win. And then the music and then, you know. Yeah, but that's all. That all is important, I think.
- [74:02]
Henry Zabrowski
Yeah. You know, it puts you in the right.
- [74:04]
Grant Gordon
Well, if you read anything about psychedelics, it's all about context, set and setting.
- [74:07]
Henry Zabrowski
I know utterly and I believe the idea is like nowadays I actually feel like. Feel like I've been doing mushrooms too cavalierly. Absolutely. But I've also been not doing them to the extent in which I experience a full on hallucination anymore.
- [74:19]
Grant Gordon
It's a membrane anymore. Yeah.
- [74:20]
Henry Zabrowski
I'm kind of always.
- [74:21]
Grant Gordon
I, I don't know if I could do that with mushrooms anymore. They're too, too, too. I don't have the sea legs anymore for them.
- [74:26]
Henry Zabrowski
Well, you're lucky for me. I just feel like we're under a lot of pressure. Yeah, we are. It's not the same anymore, guys. There we go. Yeah. Using the letter. Great. Your topic about the Danish mermaid statue brought a smile to my face, bringing forth a war memory of my youth. We talk about in Copenhagen they had taken down a statue they believe was pornographic because the mermaid had two nice of breasts and everyone got really angry about how big and perky and awesome the tits were. And so they took the unrealistic. Yes, they took it down. And then I've now had people even saying after the fact that they thought it was just because it was a poorly done statue and it's not a great statue.
- [75:04]
Grant Gordon
It was poorly done in a way.
- [75:05]
Henry Zabrowski
I mean those are very.
- [75:06]
Grant Gordon
Those are very generically great tits. Those are.
- [75:09]
Henry Zabrowski
Yes.
- [75:09]
Grant Gordon
No, right.
- [75:10]
Henry Zabrowski
They stay in the movie.
- [75:11]
Grant Gordon
They're 13 year old drawing of tits though.
- [75:13]
Henry Zabrowski
They stay. Yeah, yeah. In the movie. Right. That's what we need. Movies need more of those.
- [75:19]
Grant Gordon
We all want to fuck a mermaid. What is that?
- [75:21]
Henry Zabrowski
I. You know, you know why? It's because you don't got to worry about getting a pregnant. Pregnant. Well, right.
- [75:25]
Grant Gordon
Because she would lay a bunch of eggs and you'd have to come on.
- [75:28]
Henry Zabrowski
You'd have to come on the eggs. Right? Yeah.
- [75:29]
Grant Gordon
Yeah.
- [75:29]
Henry Zabrowski
So as long as it's actually the one type of lady that dare is guaranteed to not get pregnant in a way if you come inside them. Huh. That's the fan. Really unpack that fantasy. You're welcome. Take that Carl Young. You have to go at the very shark fish. I think so. I think so. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's just me. I love little Feel like you end.
- [75:50]
Grant Gordon
Up saying that a lot.
- [75:51]
Henry Zabrowski
Yeah, I actually just. Oh God. God damn it. I actually do need it. We need to cut it. We'll have to kind of go through this. We'll have to go through this. All right, here we go. So I was bright eyed. I was a hopeful 14 year old and a big family trip to Puerto Penasco, Mexico. It was my parents and I, a few aunts, uncles and cousins haphazardly packed into two church vans tearing across Mexico towards our destination, a beautiful hotel right on the beach. We were there for about a few days, several of my male cousins and I alternating between our and the neighboring hotel pool and the beach, trying our best to hit on as much and as many older women on vacation and running around without much adult supervision. Nice. Wow. Yeah.
- [76:37]
Grant Gordon
Took a turn there. Okay, sure.
- [76:38]
Henry Zabrowski
One morning one of my cousins and I got up earlier than everyone else and snuck off to the beach to watch the sunrise and to have a nice unsupervised swim in an empty Mexican beach. I'm swimming out, having a good time and enjoying the cool water when suddenly there's a girl looked to be in her early 20s swimming nearby. I naturally I swam over to say hello. She's a beautiful blonde with the gorgeous green eyes swimming gracefully in her red bikini top. I get within earshot and I say hola. Gotcha. More attention and bashful smile. We're treading water for a few minutes without a word between us when I noticed her top slipped off of one of her breasts. I can say with complete confidence that mermaid statue is a fair representation of what I saw that morning. Just absolutely perfect things. I was the luckiest 14 year old that morning. Flabbergasted, trying not to golf. I motion with my hand that her top slipped to warn her.
- [77:44]
Grant Gordon
Oh yeah, sure.
- [77:45]
Henry Zabrowski
Oh, we gotta stop this process. She just continues to look at me, not understanding what I'm saying, just staring into my eyes. Then breaking the charm. I hear a distant voice calling my name. Larry staring at them tits. Get away from that naked woman. Oil my back, Larry. Now I'm shocked at how far I had ended up from the shore. Right. I waved back to him and shirting, assuring him I'm headed back and I turn around to tell the girl we should head back. But I'm greeted by an empty horizon and quiet lapping of the waves.
- [78:22]
Grant Gordon
It was a horizontal horizon, unfortunately.
- [78:23]
Henry Zabrowski
Yep. Yes. I take a moment to look around for her before swimming back in a daze. When I finally get to shore, I asked my cousin if he saw the girl I was swimming with with. And he responds with no, bro, what are you talking about? Hey. I spent the rest of the trip trying to convince him of what I saw and watching the sea for any signs of her. Heartbroken. We left Puerto Pinasco a couple of days later and I've never got to see that mermaid again. To this day I tell people I've seen a mermaid who was potentially trying to lure me out into the open sea. I say let the man keep his statue. The world deserves to see what I saw that day. And that's what I like. You know what I'll say? He remembered those tits so thoroughly. I'll always remember a story. I. I'll give some. This is.
- [79:12]
Grant Gordon
I mean because this is a true story. Obviously. 100 sure.
- [79:14]
Henry Zabrowski
To this person. Right? Yeah. Yeah. This is a story that I'll like love. It's near and dear to my heart. I remember one time I was walking down the street of downtown. I was in New York and I happened to see what appeared to be a very elderly Asian woman. Woman in her face. Okay. Elderly Asian woman. She had the two bags of recycling on the stick.
- [79:35]
Grant Gordon
They care a lot about the planet.
- [79:36]
Henry Zabrowski
They really care about the planet. Yeah. But then I noticed she happened to be wearing a completely see through shirt and she had two. And I am not exaggerating when I say the best tits I've ever seen. Get out of here. On a person ever. But her legs were also the spinely old legs of a old woman. Very old woman. Interesting. But she had two perfect press. And I will never forget them. Well of course not. I will never forget the. Because they were so. They were out of Congress. Yeah. The contrast. I felt like I had seen a gin. Yeah. Like I thought I had seen like a magical thing haunts you while you're trying to sleep just in the corner. Cruel face spitting on the ground with a cigarette hanging out. And you're just too like boing all. Wow. Yeah.
- [80:22]
Grant Gordon
You could have been lured into something that could have been a gin or something.
- [80:25]
Henry Zabrowski
I don't know what's. Have you ever seen anything like that?
- [80:27]
Grant Gordon
That just a perfect pair of tits on some sort of mound of ugly type of thing.
- [80:32]
Henry Zabrowski
No. I Believe. Well, not just in general. Not just in general, but I just mean certain of like, you know. You've ever seen a spooky sa of tits? Mystery tits.
- [80:43]
Grant Gordon
Mystery tits. No, I think I've just been to like a bunch of like Burning man type after festivals, like, you know, and like hippie stuff.
- [80:50]
Henry Zabrowski
Ever been to Juggalo? We ever been to the. I've never done.
- [80:53]
Grant Gordon
I haven't gone dark, you know, we stay in the light cosplay version.
- [80:57]
Henry Zabrowski
But don't boobies get sunburned hard?
- [80:59]
Grant Gordon
Yeah, they're not good tits. I can't say no.
- [81:01]
Henry Zabrowski
Yeah, I just mean in terms of you want to really spf them up.
- [81:05]
Grant Gordon
Yeah, I would imagine. Yeah. And there are many guys willing to help, you know.
- [81:08]
Henry Zabrowski
Too many.
- [81:09]
Grant Gordon
You don't have to.
- [81:10]
Henry Zabrowski
Most of them, you know, they'll just roll up. Yeah. Heard you need help. Lotion your tits.
- [81:14]
Grant Gordon
They probably have a shirt wearing like tit suntan lotion or.
- [81:17]
Henry Zabrowski
Absolutely, absolutely. I just feel like that there's something to what this boy is saying now. A man.
- [81:25]
Grant Gordon
Yeah, there's something to it. As in he was masturbating his room in Puerto Rico and created a very interesting little thing to jerk off to.
- [81:31]
Henry Zabrowski
I was listening to a thing today that I did not know that people use horrible chat GPT to write out sexual scenarios for themselves and they have chat gbt sort of like help complete it. Yeah, yeah.
- [81:42]
Grant Gordon
The like sex stories. Like it can write a whole sex fantasy for you.
- [81:46]
Henry Zabrowski
Yes. But apparently it's not supposed to do like, like penetrative sex. Like it's not supposed to write hardcore.
- [81:52]
Grant Gordon
I don't know what Chad GPG you're talking to.
- [81:58]
Henry Zabrowski
Cuz mine's a freak. Do you not do. Do you. Do you believe. Do you feel like that maybe someone could see something mysterious and actually have it be true or. No. Do you think that because of the psychedelics that you've experienced that maybe there's something to seeing something like. Like this. Something truly on the edge of reality.
- [82:18]
Grant Gordon
Yes. But I do think it's more internal. More like you're like, you know, more like coincidences. More like your eyes being in a place that was seeing something relevant to really unique to your situation.
- [82:31]
Henry Zabrowski
Sometimes I'll project tits out.
- [82:33]
Grant Gordon
You'll just see tits.
- [82:35]
Henry Zabrowski
Well, just the idea. Have you ever thought about the idea of being with a very, very old woman and then think about if you're with a very, very old woman and if you have a picture of when she was young, you could project the young version of her onto the old version. You can't say I have talked about this before. You have? Yeah.
- [82:50]
Grant Gordon
I mean, so you're taking a polar, trying to see if you're not the only one. I. I don't know.
- [82:54]
Henry Zabrowski
Like. Yeah.
- [82:55]
Grant Gordon
Just.
- [82:55]
Henry Zabrowski
It's a power you could develop. You ever masturbate to black and white pictures? Kids they have? No. I'm a color guy. Think about it. Honestly, I want to masturbate.
- [83:07]
Grant Gordon
Nothing, you know.
- [83:08]
Henry Zabrowski
What do you mean?
- [83:09]
Grant Gordon
Like, just the sensation.
- [83:11]
Henry Zabrowski
Whoa.
- [83:12]
Grant Gordon
I didn't allow myself a single thought.
- [83:14]
Henry Zabrowski
That's too.
- [83:15]
Grant Gordon
Just the physiological act of it.
- [83:18]
Henry Zabrowski
No, that's scary.
- [83:19]
Grant Gordon
That's too much.
- [83:19]
Henry Zabrowski
That's frightening. You draw a line there. Yeah, that's frightening to me.
- [83:22]
Grant Gordon
That's interesting.
- [83:23]
Henry Zabrowski
I don't know where that would go.
- [83:25]
Grant Gordon
It went to the same place. It always does.
- [83:26]
Henry Zabrowski
Yeah, I know, but I feel like I would just, like, that's scary. I feel like I time travel.
- [83:31]
Grant Gordon
I wanted to experiment with the. You know, it's like this is just a physiological thing, you know, your brain. Although your brain is the highest erogenous zone. I mean, your penis is also an erogen. So perhaps you could completely detach the brain from the entire endeavor. And it was a little. I. It pulled it off once. Pun intended. I guess.
- [83:48]
Henry Zabrowski
You know, side source help potlmail.com. has anybody else ever done this? Can't do it.
- [83:54]
Grant Gordon
It's called Zen jerking, dude.
- [83:56]
Henry Zabrowski
Whoa. You should write your book. That's the book. Sending. The Art of Masturbation. Yes. Wow. Wow. I came and it was nothing. That's perfect. I came and it was nothing. And I meant not. It meant absolutely nothing. Wow. This is really. Wow. We really learned a lot.
- [84:16]
Grant Gordon
Edifying.
- [84:17]
Henry Zabrowski
Really, really, really, really good episode today. Yeah. I don't care what anybody says. Inside your own head. Yeah. Every day knowing for a fact that, yeah, you might not have had a plan yesterday, but you certainly got one today. Right? You're gonna love the fact that that plan's gonna get done no matter what, because time's a constant. And then you can laugh. You can love the fact that. That the never ending flow of time means eventually it will all end. And that's actually a comfort to a lot of people. Yeah.
- [84:46]
Grant Gordon
Yeah.
- [84:46]
Henry Zabrowski
That to me, it's a screaming, what about reincarnation? Then you're back again. Sorry, buddy. I don't want to be alive. And action. I don't want to be a goddamn bug. I don't want to be a fucking elephant. Patreon.com Last podcast love you want to give us money to Watch us do this. And you're going to watch Grant. You're going to watch Grant. You're going to fall in love with Grant all over again. No matter what anybody says, you're great. You're going to. Grant's going to be your favorite comedian soon. Very soon. He's in commercials, right? Yeah, sure. You're in the progressive commercial. You were in the. Were you in State Farm? No, but can't do both.
- [85:19]
Grant Gordon
You got one or the other on that.
- [85:20]
Henry Zabrowski
You can't do both.
- [85:21]
Grant Gordon
Of course not. It's exclusive. You can't do insurance. But I was the Boost Mobile guy.
- [85:25]
Henry Zabrowski
Doesn't matter.
- [85:25]
Grant Gordon
Everyone remembers I was the Boost Mobile guy.
- [85:27]
Henry Zabrowski
Yes, it was me.
- [85:28]
Grant Gordon
And then Pitbull.
- [85:29]
Henry Zabrowski
Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How's it paying out?
- [85:32]
Grant Gordon
Not great.
- [85:33]
Henry Zabrowski
I mean, they were. They tried me and they said, let's go. Go back to what works. Yeah. You know what? I would have chosen you because in the end, you might not have been as expensive Pitbull, but you would have been more filled with spirit. Yeah, sure. Yeah, I believe that.
- [85:49]
Grant Gordon
Yeah. Yeah. Spiritual worldwide.
- [85:51]
Henry Zabrowski
Oh, very much so. That's what Pitbull needs. That's what he needs. And go do LP on the left for all our social needs. And then you go to our new YouTube channels. We have LPN TV someplace underneath the foreign report. LPN Romantasy. Who's the be? Go and follow them there because that's where a God. And by God, I mean the advertisers are saying everything is going to. So join us on YouTube, won't you? It's inevitable and we can't stop it. Hail Satan, everybody.